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500 Annies Ch. 01

By: qhml1



"Hi, this is Barbara Barnes, host of Book Report here on WORD, 86.7, Your NPR station. Please join us next week when we present a series of interviews with Joe Williams, author of the runaway bestseller '500 Annies'."

"These interviews were taped in one session last week when he appeared at the Alumni Hall here on campus. Originally scheduled for 90 minutes, the interview lasted a little over three hours. When we tried to edit down to 30 minutes we realized there was no way to do it justice, so we took out the applause and some variations of similar questions, and came up with four shows, to be aired Monday through Thursday at 8:00 p.m."

"I say without reservation this is the best interview I've ever had the pleasure of conducting. It paints a picture of the man and the author more intimately than I thought possible. It was, in a word, spellbinding."

"So please, join us next Monday through Thursday, and tell your friends."

Barbara took off the headphones and looked at her engineer.

"How's that Mike? Think I need another take?"

He grinned. "No, that pretty well nailed it. But really Babs, don't you think you're overselling it? I mean in all the years we've done this, they fall into two types. Guys who think they're the new Hemingway or King and are arrogant and condescending, or quiet bookish types who despite their brilliance come off as exciting as dirt.

Publicists and life coaches have helped, but not much."

She grinned back. "You weren't there. When you hear it you're gonna regret letting Ed engineer it. I'm not kidding, this has got award written all over it."

.................................................

THE INTERVIEW PART ONE

"Hi, this is Barbara Barnes, welcome to our show. Before we roll the tape allow me to set the scene.

This interview was taped two weeks ago in the Alumni Hall during the last week of our spring pledge drive. Mr Williams donated all the ticket sales to our station. The hall seats 2500, and it was standing room only. Once the show started the audience was very quiet, perhaps sensing they were part of an unusual and unique experience. Now, roll tape."

"Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Mr. Joe Williams to the stage!"

There was a brief but very loud round of applause.

"Thank you Barbara, and thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for coming out to support your station.

Your presence is appreciated."

"You're welcome Mr. Williams. Members of the audience, in case you don't know, all ticket revenues for this evening are being donated to our station. In addition, Mr. Williams has signed and donated 500 copies of his book to the station to be used as awards in our fall fund drive. Thank you Mr. Williams!"

More loud applause from the audience."

"You're most welcome. I've supported NPR for years, and am just grateful I can do a little extra now, in these lean times. And Barbara, please call me Joe."

She smiled. This was going well.

"Thanks Mr-er, Joe. So tell us, have you always been a writer? Besides your bestseller, are there anymore novels or short stories of yours out there waiting to be discovered?"

He smiled briefly. "No, this is my only novel.

I'm a mechanical engineer by trade. But to be honest I've been publishing pieces for the last twenty years. Part of my job description was to write from scratch or rewrite technical manuals for our customers. So if anyone out out there has read "Operating and Troubleshooting Guide for Intertech Hot Glue Labeler 6500", you've been reading my work for years."

There was an appreciative chuckle from the crowd.

"Well, that certainly explains your methodology for writing your novel. I feel most of us here are familiar with the book and its' back story, but for those in our radio audience, could you share a little."

Joe sighed slightly and said "Sure. It's been over three years since it happened, and fifteen months since I finished the book, so I've learned to deal with it."

He turned to look at the audience, and taking the microphone from the stand, strode to the front of the stage.

"Look at me. What do you see? Nothing. And do you know why? Because I'm as average as meatloaf and mashed potatoes. I'm 5'10" tall, average height.

Weigh about 170, not pudgy but not built, average weight. Brown eyes, mostly gray hair, average. In essence, if you passed me on the street you wouldn't recoil in horror, but on the other hand you would forget me as soon as you rounded the corner."

He went back to his stool and replaced the mike in the stand.

"I didn't have a problem being average. I was just an average 50 year old man that lived in a nice but average middle class home in an average midsized town. And I was happy with that. But, I was above average in some important areas."

"One was my wife of 27 years. She was, in my opinion, way above average in looks and intelligence. Another was my only child, a daughter, a younger version of my wife, 24 years old, with a shiny new husband any man would consider a fine son. And lastly, I had my job, working for the same company for 28 years, the only real job I had ever had. I had it all, a dream life."

"So what happened? Well, first the economy collapsed. My office closed, we were downsized. I could have transferred across the country, but my roots were here. The severance package was very generous, so I had a cushion. Plus, if something didn't turn up soon I could file unemployment for awhile. Then my son got downsized. He and my daughter were just starting out, she was six months pregnant, and they couldn't afford to lose the insurance, so they had no choice to relocate."

Joe stopped for a minute and drank some water. Then he continued in a voice full of emotion, barely above a whisper.

"Then, something so unexpected, so painful, so unexplained happened. My wife, the only woman I had ever loved, left me. Not only left me, she left the country, leaving a two page letter and a divorce petition. So, in less than three months, two of the most important foundations in a persons' life, career and family, were taken from me." 

..................................................

"What a piece of shit! Damn the Chinese anyway, the sneaky yellow bastards have found a better way to destroy us than war. They write junk like this and aggravate us to death."

I had tossed a manual for a piece of equipment our customer had purchased as part of a new production line in the trash. It was written in, well, Chinese. Not literally, but the translation was pretty much useless. We had fought our way through the manual, only to find gaps, duplication, misinformation, missing schematics, etc. I worked for Motion Inc, an engineering firm specializing in designing, installing and upgrading production lines. The founder chose the name because as any engineer can tell you, it's all about flow and motion. If you have a delay or breakdown, you automatically start losing money. Companies don't like that. That's why they hire us. And we have a very good reputation.

It was the early eighties, and the exodus to China was just starting. It wasn't enough to take

our manufacturing jobs, the products we imported back were inferior and poorly made. Of course, they got much better later on, but that didn't help me then.

I had been with the company for a little over three years. I was a pretty good employee, got good reviews, and was generally liked. Not much on public displays of emotion, my outburst surprised my boss, who was walking by my office at the time. He walked in and sat down.

"What's up, Joe?"

"It's this damn manual. I think whoever wrote it was smoking opium. Sorry about the outburst, but this thing is junk."

He shook his head.

"You don't have to tell me, you should hear what the guys in the field are saying."

He was stroking his chin, a sure sign he had something on his mind.

"You know Joe, one of the reasons I have you do so much desk work is because you're much better at it than any of the others. Your reports are always clear and concise. You don't press an agenda, don't try to inflate your contribution, just relay the facts. Tell you what, let's let Ed handle the field work on this. I want you to rewrite this manual. I know you've already redone at least half of it already. Take three weeks and see what you can come up with."

And so with a short conversation, my career changed course, and I spent the next twenty four years being a technical writer.

I spent fifty to sixty hours a week for the next three weeks redoing the manual. I had already done the bulk of the work before we talked. Basically I simplified, removed redundancies, expanded a few section where there wasn't enough detail, etc. It wasn't exciting reading when I was done, but it was understandable. I had five copies professionally printed and dropped them

on my boss's desk just before I left for the weekend.

Bill[my boss]came into my office the next Wednesday.

"Damn good job, Joe. Ed said thanks. We want you out there Monday for the shakedown. Shouldn't be more than a couple of days."

"Good, that way I can spot glitches and rewrite if I have too."

The shake down went well. We ran into some problems, but they were minor. I talked to the operators, took some notes. When I got back I did a rewrite and including a trouble shooting guide for new operators.

It was so well received I rewrote manuals for two additional pieces of equipment. Ed and I spent another three days four weeks later at the facility, making sure little problems didn't bloom into big problems. The day I left, corporate was there to observe the line. I was in a small conference room going over some minor details I thought would improve the system, when I got a surprise.

Out of the blue, the chief engineer for our client asked my if I was happy with my job.

"Yes, I am. It's a pretty decent group to work for. Why?"

"We're impressed with you work. You know we have eleven plants, and my staff is a little stressed right now. We could use someone like you, a trouble shooter so to speak. You would be assigned to the main office, and be sent where you would be needed most. Interested? We're sure we could put together a package that would please us all. Think about it a few days and get back to us. Thanks for the good job."

Their tentative offer was very nice. But it would mean relocating, and a lot of travel. I had only been married for two years, and I really didn't like to be away from her. She knew when we got married I would have to travel, bu this would be far more often and much longer at a time. I decided not to take it.

I had been back in the office for a week when Bill came storming into the office.His face showed his emotion. He shut my door.

"Damn it, Joe. I thought you liked it here. Why didn't you tell me you were looking instead of going behind my our backs? Is it more money, better benefits? Where's your loyalty? What was their offer?"

His anger surprised me. 

"I didn't go behind your back. I wasn't looking, they approached me. I do like it here. But tell me Bill, is this the only job you've ever held? 

If I decide to change jobs, it will be for the betterment of my family. If I think this job will benefit my family, I'll take it. Who do you put first, Bill? You're family, or your job?"

I don't think he expected me to react so strongly. He put his hands up.

"Calm down Joe. Of course you should do what's best for your family. Just don't accept anything without discussing it first, please?" 

I was still pissed.

"I'll keep you in the loop. But just so you know, it was a very attractive offer."

Things were a little tense the next few weeks. Bill asked me to stop by on the way out Friday. When I came into his office he surprised me by closing the door. This was a bad thing, usually a closed door meant an ass chewing or termination.

The grim expression on his face did nothing to reassure me.

He handed me an envelope.

"Read this."

It was a letter from the home office congratulating us on a job well done. Included was a bonus check for roughly two months' salary.

There was a flash and I looked up to see Bill holding a camera. He was smiling.

"Just wanted to record this moment. Job well done, Joe. You know the client has eleven factories, this was a test to see how the upgrades worked and how hard it would be to get them on line. It went so smoothly they signed the contract Monday to do upgrades on every facility.

They singled you out for the extra effort on the manuals."

"Now, take that lovely wife of yours out tonight and celebrate. Take Monday off too. I know how many extra hours you worked on this, think of it as comp time. Expect a representative form corporate HR to see you Tuesday, and relax, it'll be good news. Now go on, enjoy your long weekend."

I was walking on clouds when I left. Stopping by the bank to deposit the check, I decided to take Bill's advice to heart concerning my wife. 

There was a new Italian place she had been wanting to try, but it was expensive and had a waiting list three weeks long. Just for luck, I checked to see if we could get in tonight. Fortune smiled on me, they had just received a cancellation. Mr Franklin and I persuaded the manager to bump me to the top of the list.

To add the finishing touch I got a nice bouquet to present to Annie when I got home.

"What are these for?" She asked, both surprised and pleased.

"For no other reason than I love you and I've had a great day. Too great to have you cook. Let's eat out tonight. And honey, wear something really nice, okay?""

As all women can tell you, when in doubt, go to the SBD. A simple black dress fits any occasion and social situation. She knew hers was one of my favorites, sightly clingy, just above her knees, simple but very sexy.

Her eyes got huge when we pulled into the parking lot. 

"There's no way we'll get in. You know we've tried before and it was three weeks minimum."

"Don't you trust me honey? Maybe I've planned this for months. Maybe we'll get lucky and catch a cancellation. Let's see, shall we?"

The doubts vanished when I gave them our name and was escorted to a table.

She looked at the prices on the menu and was taken aback.

"Honey, look at these prices. Can we afford this?"

"Relax honey. Tonight we can. I had some good news from work today. Let's enjoy our meal and then I'll tell you about it."

She relaxed and gave me a secretive, happy smile.

"All right. I have some good news to share also. But first, I've always wanted to try calamari."

The meal was one of the best I've ever had. The atmosphere, the companionship, the general mood of happiness stays in my memory to this day.

Oddly, Annie refused when I suggested wine. She preferred wine to beer or liquor. She said it wouldn't be good for her to drink tonight. That should have told me something, but, let's face it, men can really be clueless at times.

Relaxing over coffee and dessert, I told her about the work I did rewriting the manuals and how pleased everyone was. I told her about the recent job offer, my interview with corporate HR Tuesday, and how I was fairly sure a good raise was in my future. She was very pleased.

"I'm so happy for you, it's deserved. I always told you I thought they didn't appreciate you.

The raise is a good thing, I did a little shopping after my doctor visit this afternoon. I had no idea nursery furnishings were so expensive."

"Nursery furnishings?"

"Yes, nursery furnishings. We need to start this soon, we only have about seven months to get it ready, and I figure in another four I'll be pretty much useless."

I looked a little confused. She was enjoying it.

"Joe, don't you get it? We're pregnant, about two months according to Dr. Roberts. Aren't you happy honey?"

We had been trying for nine months, was I happy? I did what any manly man would do, started crying.

Going round the table, I dropped to my knees and hugged gently, like I was holding fine china.

She was laughing and hugging back.

"Baby, I won't break, give me a real hug."

People were looking at us.

"Engagement?" queried the older couple at the next table.

"Pregnant, our first." Answered Jamie proudly.

The woman got up, followed by her husband. She gave Annie a nice hug and he shook my hand.

"We're so happy for you. Congratulations. Remember this in years to come. Oh, and wait until you get grandchildren. It just gets better."

By then everyone in the restaurant knew, and we thanked many well wishers. It was indeed a night to remember.

................................................

It was a difficult pregnancy. At seven and a half months she was put on bed rest, by eight months she was going stir crazy and was extremely irritable.

Labor lasted twenty one hours.

After out daughter, Amber June, made her appearance, the doctors asked me into an office.

"Mr. Williams, we hate to tell you, but we found some abnormalities in your wife's womb. Nothing life threatening now, but it would be extremely dangerous for her to conceive again. She probably wouldn't make full term. Please discuss this with your wife. If she wishes to have her tubes tied, we can do it while she's here. Or, if you prefer, we can schedule a vasectomy. Please think about it. This would be simpler than birth control, every form has a failure rate. Think about it."

Annie was devastated. She was an only child and wanted at least four. I suggested adoption but she said it was too soon to talk about it.

I gave her the choice, and she said since she was already in the hospital and in pain, a little more wouldn't matter. The next day she had her tubes tied.

She was despondent and cried off and on for about a month. The only thing that would cheer her up was our daughter. Regardless of the mood she was in, when I handed her to her she would start smiling.

When A.J, our pet name for her, was three, I brought up adoption again. The idea was shot down immediately, when she was six, eight, and eleven I asked again and was told no forcefully. I stopped asking.

I did get a nice raise, and I hardly ever went out in the field for more than overnight. Over the years the workload increased, and they added personnel as needed until I looked around one day and realized I was heading a whole department. I was officially in middle management.

Our reputation grew. Problem with a manual? Throw it out and we would write you a new one. Oddly, I found myself spending more time in the field, mostly doing reviews and updates, just a bit of trouble shooting. 

Annie had done well, moving up from receptionist on a large dental office to office manager. Her hours were much more regular, so she became the primary caregiver. I never traveled unless necessary, preferring to stay home with my family.

Travel is what ended our marriage. Annie loved to travel, always eager to explore new places. I traveled too much, always enjoying time at home.

She would be planning our next vacation before we got home from the one we were on. As soon as AJ was in her teens Annie included her in the planning phase, even letting her pick a destination once in a while. We went to beaches, skiing, rode a mule into the Grand Canyon, spent a week in Washington sightseeing and visiting museums. We were up for anything.

We had a major project at work, so big it required three offices working jointly to maintain the schedule. I was named coordinator, it was a real honor. Unfortunately, my travel increase dramatically. I fell into a rotation of one week gone, one week home. AJ was fifteen with her own priorities and friends, so Annie was left alone often. She was frustrated and lonely. I could see it, but didn't know what to do to make it better.

A group of us were talking about it one night in the hotel lounge because a man from another office was separated from his wife. She claimed he left her alone too much while he traveled.


500 Annies Ch. 01



He was complaining that if she was frustrated by him not spending time with her, how separating and not seeing him at all was helping.

One of the older men spoke up.

"Might as well get a good lawyer now. Sounds like she's not coming back. Sorry, son."

One of the others spoke up.

"You travel as much as the rest of us. Didn't you just celebrate your thirtieth anniversary? How have you managed to stay married?"

"Thirty fifth. The trick is not to let them get bored. We had five kids, and I have to stop and count up when I talk about grandchildren to make sure I don't miss any when I brag about them. I was lucky, when she gets bored she sees one of the kids. Then she has her quilting club, her book club, and her dancing lessons. She stays busy and she stays happy."

"It also helps if you treat them like the queens they are when you're at home. Sure, there's a lot of stuff I'd rather do at times, but nothing is as important to me as her. That's why I take dance lessons, when I'm at home. I want all her dances for the rest of my life, and I want to measure up."

That made a lot of sense. But, we didn't have a large family, and she already knew how to dance. I needed to find something she really enjoyed and encourage her. Then it hit me.

Travel. She loves it better than anything in the world. I researched it. It's amazing how many travel companies there are. I found two in our area that specialized in short two or three day trips in our area. Bus tours, and the cost was very reasonable. One of the trips really stood out. It was a three day trip, Friday morning until Sunday evening. The main focus of the trip was a tour of the Biltmore House in western North Carolina. Built by the Vanderbilts over as hundred years ago, it was billed as the largest castle in America. Jaime had always wanted to see it. There was also a side trip to see the home of Thomas Wolfe in Asheville, and a short shopping excursion to a local outlet mall. It was a perfect woman's trip.

Best of all, it was for a weekend I knew I would be away, arriving home basically the same time the tour did. I booked two tickets, to be delivered to my office.

It took a little planning, a quiet talk to her bosses to assure she could get that Friday off, Bringing AJ in to smooth it out, I was ready.

I purposely didn't tell Annie when I left that Monday, AJ was supposed to tell her just before I called Thursday night. It was a thing of beauty.

She came home from work to find AJ packing a small suitcase.

"What are you doing?"

She gave her mom a look that only teen age girls can get away with.

"I'm packing."

"Let me rephrase that. Why are you packing?"

"Gee mom, maybe I'm packing because I'm going somewhere."

"Where do you think you're going? Wait, never mind, enough with the twenty questions. What's going on?"

At that exact time the phone rang. We had timed it almost to the second. AJ looked at Jaime and said "I'm pretty sure it's for you."

"Hello? Hi honey, yes, I miss you too. Look, did you give AJ permission to go somewhere? What! Three days? Have you lost your mind? What in the world is going on?"

"No, I haven't lost my mind. I just wanted to tell you to take a raincoat. Why? Because it's supposed to rain this weekend. No, not there, in Asheville. Why should that matter? Because that's where you're going to be, at the Biltmore House, downtown Asheville, and a shopping spree at the big outlet mall. I know you hate sitting at home alone, so AJ and I got together and planned this trip. She's going to chaperone, we can trust you everywhere but the outlet mall."

"Then again, two women with credit cards at an outlet mall might not be the best idea I've ever had. Take it easy, honey, please. Love me now?"

She was crying, I could hear AJ laughing in the background.

"Love you? If it were possible I'd send my tongue through this telephone line and so far down your throat I'd know what you had for breakfast this morning. But since I can't, I'm gonna have AJ pack an extra outfit and drop her at grandmas' house Sunday. Then I plan to really show you how grateful I am."

I could hear AJ screaming and laughing in the background.

"Mom! Way too much information for a teenager. Tell dad we both love him and start getting packed."

She did just that.

..............................................

The trip was a huge success. She was just as excited when she got home as she was when she left.

She spent about two hours telling me all about it. What she saw, the people she met, the restaurants, and the shopping.

That was the only time I thought maybe I'd made an error in judgement. She just kept on pulling bags out of the trunk. But most of it was for AJ, clothes and shoes for the upcoming school year. She said she got really good deals so I let it go.

She pulled one more bag out.

"I got you a little something. They had the sweetest little lingerie shop. I'm going to take a shower, don't come into the bedroom until I call you. If I remember correctly, I've got a little gratitude to express." 

It was possibly the longest the longest forty five minutes in the history of time, but when she called me, it was worth the wait.

Lavender bustier with a black accent stripes. A boa to match. Black seamed hose attached to the bustier, and the tiniest panties I've ever seen.

She had done her makeup, and had her highest pair of heels on.

"Would you like to unwrap your present?"

"I almost hate to, it such a pretty package."

"We'll compromise, I'll leave the boa on." 

I wasn't very productive the next day at the office. About all I got done was arranging for a box of his favorite cigars to be delivered to Will, the engineer whose advice sparked the whole thing.

This started a pattern of trips, usually about once a month. Unless it was somewhere AJ wanted to go, Annie went alone. She wasn't actually alone, she had made friends with several ladies about her age who liked to take the little excursions, and usually one or more of her friends arranged to be on the same bus. I thought we were going to run out of memory storing pictures.

AJ did what all kids do, she grew up on us. One day we're looking at college brochures, the next we were watching her wave bye as she went into her dorm room.

Annie took it hard. I was still traveling, not as often, but at least once a month. About every other month she would take a trip to see AJ, or take a tour somewhere new.

She seemed withdrawn, sullen. Where she used to greet me with a big kiss and hug, now it was a peck on the cheek. Lovemaking became more spaced out, and hot, down and dirty sex disappeared almost completely. It got so bad I felt we needed to address it.

She admitted she hated an empty nest, especially when I was gone. She was lonely, bored, said she felt useless. I was stunned. 

As much as I loved my child, I was looking forward to alone time with Annie. Foolishly, I was hoping for the passions of our youth to reignite.

"Honey, I love you more than anything in the world. You're thinking all wrong, this isn't the end, it's a new beginning. Think of all the things you've wanted to do but couldn't because you had to take care of AJ. Now you can. You've always been interested in art, doesn't the local community college have classes? You've also expressed more than a passing interest in pottery, why not give it a try? Don't sit around brooding on the past, move forward! You have too much life ahead of you, ahead of us, to just sit down. Move forward, honey, before the past swallows you up."

I had become more impassioned as I spoke, nearly shouting at the end. She looked stunned. Then she smiled.

"Thanks honey. That kick in the ass is just what I needed. I love you!"

Then she leered.

"you know, there are some things I've always wanted to try, but I need to order some things first. But right now, I'm the mood for some hot, nasty, loud sex. Want to?"

Probably the dumbest question I'd ever heard.

I didn't know it at the time, but it was the beginning of the end.

For about a year things were great, then she slowly started withdrawing from me. She was taking art classes, at first at school, then private. She said she did better with one on one interactions. She also started traveling more.

Money was never an issue with us. After we found out AJ would be an only child, we kept our two bedroom house instead of trading up. We didn't have to spend the money we had in her college fund because she got a full scholarship.

As she rose to office manager, my department continued to expand, and the pay rose with my responsibilities. I also got some really good bonuses, which went straight into savings.

We both had good 401 plans that we contributed the max to. All told, we were very comfortable.

Then the economy went south. People weren't expanding or upgrading, so they didn't need us.

First one branch closed, then another. We were nervous, rumors were flying. Finally the ax just fell. We were being downsized.

A few, me included, were offered transfers. My whole life was here, and as much as I would miss my job, I wasn't leaving. They were kind to us and we got very good severance packages.

Annie took it a lot harder than I did.

"Are we gonna be all right financially? Think there are jobs out there?"

"Relax honey. The severance package lets me draw a full salary for six months, and they will still carry insurance on us until it runs out. By that time the economy should be better. Even if it's not I'm eligible for unemployment benefits. Every thing we have is paid for anyway, stop worrying."

She did worry, though. I just wanted to take a few weeks off and relax, but she pushed me into sending out resumes to almost everyone in driving distance. Nobody was hiring, and if they were they could get a kid right out of college for almost minimum wage.

Annie was acting more distracted everyday. I felt something wasn't quite right, but put it down to economic insecurity.

She became snappish, getting offended easily. She worked, went to art lessons twice a week, and despite being worried about finances went on two trips. I offered to go with her and she laughed.

"All right. This trip is to an expo and seminar on quilt making. Some of them are quite beautiful, it's art with fabrics instead of paint.

I've been thinking about trying it, Ramon says it will help me with composition and color coordination."

Ramon was her art teacher. I didn't want to tell Annie, but she really wasn't a very good painter, maybe he was right. Two days of looking at quilts, even if they were as lovely as she made them sound, didn't appeal to me. Top that off with lively discussions about fabrics and new sewing machines and I knew I would be ready to kill myself or someone else. I declined her kind offer.

By now AJ had graduated, found the man of her dreams, and married. Planning the wedding perked Annie up, but when it was over she realized AJ was gone for good. She was over the moon when AJ told her she was pregnant. They lived less than an hour away, and she was over constantly.

When she found out they had to transfer across the country, she went into a depression, rousing only when she took two weeks to spend with AJ while she delivered. I made it to the birth with two hours to spare, and we found ourselves the proud grandparents of a boy.

Back home she resumed her subdued, sullen attitude.

I finally snapped one night and unloaded.

"What the hell is wrong with you? We're still fairly young, there's a lot out there we could see and enjoy together. Yet nothing I suggest interests you. You make me feel like I'm a distraction, that I'm in your way. Are you trying to shut me out?"

She slowly went pale under my outburst, and when I got to the last part her eyes went wide. Instead of responding she rushed from the room.

I could be just as stubborn as she was. Let her stew. I was packing for an overnight trip, seems I had started a new career and had to meet a client. The whole argument started because I wanted her to go with me.

Seems one of our former clients wasn't happy with the new regime, and contacted me. Would I be interested in some free lance work? He had a few glitches in his production system he wasn't happy about.

I was going to fly in, observe, make suggestions, and take his operator manuals and go over them.

It was perfect for me, I would travel rarely, and could do most of the work from home. I even had plans to turn AJ's old room into an office.

We were barely civil to each other the rest of the night, and she seemed reluctant to kiss me goodbye the next morning.

I issued an ultimatum, something I never did.

"When I get home, expect to have some serious discussions about our future. I'm not happy, you're not happy, and I don't know why. Don't make any plans, I want the whole weekend with you to sort this out."

................................................

When I got back she was gone.

There was a letter on the kitchen table.

"Joe."

Not Dear Joe, just Joe.

"By the time you read this I will be gone. I've thought about this for awhile. I'm not happy, haven't been since AJ went to college.

My life is stale. The excitement we had has slowly evaporated, and you didn't even notice it.

I know you've tried to get it back several times lately, but it was too little, too late.

I know this confession hurts you, I'm sure you didn't see this coming. But I want to be happy again, and I'm just not happy with you.

Ramon and I have been sleeping together for about two years. Two years and you had no idea! That should tell you how far apart we've drifted. It was easy to fool you, you had absolute trust in me.

All the trips I've taken in this time, even the quilt trip, I've taken with Ramon. You were my husband, but he is my soul mate.

Don't think I wasn't remorseful, I spent many nights in anguish, but in the end I just can't do this anymore. 

I've already filed for divorce, the lawyers' card is on your desk. He can fill you in on the details, but I've given him a power of attorney and a quit claim for the house. In return, I've taken half the estimated value out of our savings and retirement account, then took fifty percent of the remainder. You keep your 401, I keep mine.

Please don't fight it, it's as fair as I can make it.

I quit my job last week and cashed out my retirement. By the time you read this I'll be in Europe, primarily in Spain and Italy. Please do not try to communicate with me except through my lawyer.

This is a cowards way out, I know. I just couldn't face you. If it's any consolation, I am sorry. Even worse, you're going to have to tell AJ, another cowardly act.

Please don't try to find me, I wouldn't talk to you if you did. Try to remember me fondly after the anger fades. 

You didn't deserve this.

I'll always remember you with love.

Annie."

..............................................

The audience listened, spellbound, as Joe finished his narrative of the rise and fall of his marriage. As Barbara looked out over the crowd, she could see tears in the eyes of a few women.

"So there I was, ladies and gentleman, starting what I thought would be a glorious time in my life, suddenly alone."

"Was it painful? Extremely. Did I fall apart?

To quote my grandfather, "like a flea market watch."

"Did I get it back together? Sort of, it's a work in progress."

Barbaras' voiceover broke the spell over the radio.

"That concludes this segment of the Joe Williams interview. Tune in tomorrow when Joe talks about how he rebuilt his life, and came to write his book. Good night, ladies and gentlemen."

................................................

Mike listened raptly through his earphones, and as Babs left she gave him an "I told you so" smirk. He had a bad feeling he had made a mistake.

................................................

Part two will be posted soon, and by soon I mean less than a week. 



500 Annies Ch. 02



"Good evening, listeners. Tonight we broadcast the second installment of our interview with Joe Williams, author of '500 Annies'. In case the you missed the first broadcast, here is a quick recap.

Joe gave us an overview of his life, leading up to his wife leaving him suddenly after almost three decades of marriage. He was taken completely by surprise, sending his life in a new direction and leading him to write his book.

We rejoin him now as he talks about the aftermath and how he struggled to put his life back together.

This is Barbara Barnes, and you're listening to Book Report on WORD. Now, back to the interview."

.................................................

The crowd had gone quiet as Joe revealed his wifes' betrayal of their marriage.

After a brief pause, Joe started talking again.

"I was completely devastated. I really was the clueless husband. I thought if you loved someone that much it would be impossible to betray them. I was wrong."

"I sat at the kitchen table, rereading the note. It was short, almost emotionless in its' brevity.

No long explanations, very little in the way of apology. Just, I've moved on, sorry, no ones' fault."

"I didn't get it, not at all."

"I didn't sleep that night, just sat at the table staring at the note. I didn't get drunk, didn't destroy furniture, didn't rage. I was just numb."

The anger came later, much later.

"I finally went to bed and slept fitfully for a few hours. Woke up wondering why I had such a headache. Went into the kitchen, calling out for Annie, asking where the Advil was. Saw the note and relived the pain all over again."

"Over the next few days I was like a zombie. I went by her old office and they told me she had resigned three weeks ago, she must have spent the days with her lover getting ready to leave the country."

"She took very little with her. She left most of her clothes, most of her jewelery, including her engagement ring and wedding band. No pictures that I could detect, no knick knacks we had accumulated over the years. It was like she had died."

"None of her friends knew she had even left. Her only forwarding address was her lawyers office."

"It took me two weeks to work up the energy to call AJ. She refused to believe me for a few minutes, then started crying. She was in such pain her husband had to take over and I explained all over again. AJ finally calmed down enough to talk, insisting she was going to fly in to be with me for a few days. I talked her out of it, it would have ruined their vacation plans, and the logistics of transporting a baby across country and back was enough to get her to agree. She called me every day for three weeks afterwards, just to check on me"

"She insisted I email the complete goodbye letter to her. I was reluctant, but finally did. Her reaction was unexpected."

"What happened to my mother, and who's the cold hearted, self centered bitch that took her place? As far as I'm concerned, when Bunny[her nickname for her daughter]eventually asks if she has a grandmother, I'll tell her she died. Even if I could, I will never speak to her again."

I was shocked by her tirade.

"AJ, honey, I know you're upset. But deep down, even if she has no feelings for me anymore, I'm sure she still loves you. Maybe over time she'll contact you, please be open when she does. She's still your mother, the grandmother of your child.

Don't judge her too harshly over what she did to me."

A small bit of me was glad she felt that way, but in the long run I hoped she would at least talk to her if she got the chance.

.................................................

I went through the stages of grief, all of them. Anger, denial, self pity, all of it.

I took perverse pleasure in jerking her lawyer around, knowing the longer I dragged it out the more it would cost her.

At first I refused to talk to him, and refused to answer the door if it was a stranger. The process server got a lot of mileage fees before I quit playing games with him. I threw the papers in the garbage in front of him.

I told the lawyer I wouldn't even speak to him without representation, and didn't retain anyone for about a month. Then I set up a conference and blew it and the next one off. Demanded all sorts of records, financial and otherwise. After six months she sent me a handwritten note begging me to let it end. I sent word through her lawyer if she would ask me in person I would consider it.

My lawyer finally asked me if I was tired of wasting money yet, even he thought it was getting old. He was right, I was beating a dead horse. I did get her to pay costs and lawyer fees.

Most of the anger and pain had receded to a dull numbness. It was still there, and would focus sharply if something triggered it, but by and large I was relearning how to live.

................................................

Luckily, I was working again, and it kept my mind focused and away from the pain. I had done a few jobs, getting business from word of mouth.

Then one day my old boss called me up.

"Joe, what the hell are you doing? We've lost two small customers to you, and in this economy we can't afford to lose a big one."

"Well, Bill, they came to me, I didn't seek them out. It's just small stuff, and it keeps me busy.

The job market here sucks, as you well know."

Bill had accepted a transfer, although I knew right up until he moved he was looking.

"Well Joe, I'm offering you a compromise. Come back to work for us. We'll reinstate you at your old rate and seniority, and you'll get to keep your insurance. We'll email you assignments, mostly stuff like you're doing now. You'll still have to travel a little, but not every week. I don't know why we didn't think of this before, it's a win-win situation for all of us."

I didn't accept instantly, I still had about three weeks worth of work to finish my latest contract. But I told him I was definitely interested, if I could work on my own schedule.

He laughed.

"That's the beauty of the internet, you can work at three a m in your boxers if that's what you want. Just meet the time parameters we set and it won't be a problem."

When I finished my contract I officially rejoined the Motion, Inc. fold.

Nine months had gone by. I wasn't back to where I was, doubted I ever would be, but I could function. I didn't even have a pity party when the final decree arrived.

I still had my friends, and most of them were completely shocked by what happened. Some of them, mostly wives, thought it had to be something more serious, probably something I did.

I didn't care, let them think what they wanted.

On side effect was that after the divorce was final, I would be invited for a barbeque, party, or meal, and find myself in the company of a single lady my age. I was polite, did my best to be cordial, but wasn't the least bit interested. I had spent my whole life in love with one woman, I had no idea how to connect with anyone else.

They soon got the message.

...............................................

I looked at the calender. It was one year to the day since she walked out of my life. I had been holding up well, but I did not want to be alone tonight.

Harry's Bar and Grill was a popular local watering hole, a true neighborhood place. Most everyone knew everyone else by sight, and most were well behaved. Harry made it a point not to let things get out of hand.

We had known each other for years, even socialized as couples once or twice a year. His wife had some kind of disability, using canes to walk.

Her wit wasn't impared, she had a razor sharp tongue when she wanted to use it. Harry loved her desperately, and she often held court at a corner table while Harry ran the bar.

They sympathized with me, but after a few months she let me know in no uncertain terms it was time to get my head out of my ass and move on.

"She left you. It was cold, she was and is a jerk, a fool for leaving a good man. But she did. Move on, she has."

It was good advice that I didn't take, at the time anyway.

Their place was only eight blocks from my house, and when I was hungry for human companionship or a good cheeseburger, I would walk over.

Mostly I drank tea or a beer. If I had more than four, someone would drop me or I would call a cab.

Tonight would probably be a cab night.

I had a cheeseburger and coffee, exchanging casual greetings, catching up on local gossip, congratulating graduations, births, marriages. Expressing sadness over illnesses, deaths, divorces. Just a normal Thursday night in suburban America.

Not normally a drinker, I had developed a fondness for bock beer, especially one by a Texas brewer, Shiner. Harry gave me one, on the house. I guess he could tell I was feeling a little down.

I had just started my third when an attractive woman came in and sat beside me, greeting Harry and his wife by name. Close to my age but probably younger. She looked over and nodded, I raised my beer in salute.

Harry introduced us.

"Joe, this is Annie. She has the dubious honor of being married to my cousin. Where is Chad, by the way?"

She sighed.

"He's at that training seminar they make him take every year. Been gone four days. I was happy the first two, bored the next, and now I miss him. I didn't want to be alone tonight, so here I am.

She noticed me flinch at her name.

"Do I know you?"

I tried my best to give her a reassuring smile.

"No, it's just my wife was named Annie."

"I'm sorry, did she pass?"

"Pretty close, she went to Europe with her Spanish lover."

She grimaced.

"Ouch! Sorry."

"Thanks, I'm almost over it. As a matter of fact, this is my one year anniversary of her leaving. I didn't want to sit and brood about it, so I came here. Harry is pretty ugly, but it beats looking at the walls."

She grinned while Harry said "Hey, I heard that."

We talked, she was a good conversationalist. Harrys' wife Jane would jump in with a comment occasionally. It was the best time I had in a year.

Remembering things I would frown up intermittently, but they would tease me out of it.

Annie was laughing at a comment I made about men being clueless when it comes to women, and said something that sent my whole life in a different direction.

"You're right, men just don't get it sometimes. It looks like one of you would be smart enough to write a manual, some guidelines to go by to understand us."

Jane chimed in.

"Yeah, simple stuff,like keep your foot out of your mouth and your head out of your ass. How hard is it for you guys anyway?"

I looked at them with my mouth hanging open. What an idea, brilliant in its' simplicity. This is what I had done my whole life, took something that was many times unintelligible and confusing, distilling it into simple, concise directions that any idiot could follow.

I would write a technical manual for understanding women, how hard could it be?

Famous last words.

My imagination ran wild for a second. I would be a god among mortal men, exposing secrets never before revealed to the masses.

They looked at me, trying to figure out what was going on in my head.

"Girls, you're absolutely right. You don't know this, but I've spent the last twenty odd years writing manuals for different types of machinery, often translating them from a foreign language.

How would you like to help me write that manual? I haven't, and I doubt any man alive has, mastered womanese. I need a translator or two, wanna help me?"

They both looked at me like I had lost my mind and starting speaking in no tongue known to man, before Annie laughed.

"Sure, I'll help, just know ahead of time I won't reveal state secrets, pain of death and all that."

Jane was even more blunt.

"I think it's a great idea. I can finally tell a man exactly what I think without hurting his feelings. When do you want to start?"

Man, this was going to be great. For the first time in a year I felt like I had a reason to live instead of just exist.

"Not tonight. I'm working under a four beer handicap and I most likely won't remember much. How about lunch tomorrow, here, my treat?"

Jane snorted.

"Thank you so much. You're going to treat me to lunch at the place I've eaten at every day for the last fifteen years."

Annie laughed. I grinned.

"Okay Jane, your choice, as long as we can talk uninterrupted."

"Great, I've been wanting to try that Japanese place over on third. Is that all right?"

"Anyplace is fine, as long as we have a bit of privacy and can hear each other. How about you Anne, anyplace special you want to go?"

"Can't I just go with Jane?"

I thought for a second.

"No, I would rather do this one on one. I can concentrate better if I don't have to divide my attention."

"Well, okay, I guess. Make it dinner here instead, it's close, and to be honest, I don't want to explain to my husband if someone were to see us. He's not gonna believe it anyway when I tell him what you want."

I thanked them, and had Harry call me a cab while I finished my fifth beer. The ladies went back to Janes' table chatting and looking at me occasionally.

"You're a braver man than I am, Joe. Asking what a woman wants and needs from a man is way beyond anything I'd want to do. Good luck. If I didn't know you and how tenacious you can be, I'd laugh the whole thing off. Are you sure you want to sail into uncharted waters like this?"

Harry had an eyebrow arched as he polished a glass. 

"Yeah, I really do. Maybe it'll help me come to terms with what happened to me."

And maybe, I thought, keep it from happening to some other poor soul.

I could hardly sleep, even getting up a couple of times to make notes. This was going to be a great adventure.

................................................

I thought a lot about what I wanted to ask, and just confused myself more. Then I fell back on my experience. If a machine wasn't running right the first thing I did was ask the operator, after all he was the most familiar with it. I decided that would be my approach.

The woman would be the operator, her heart and soul the machine. If I could get her to share how that worked, explaining it to a new operator, a man, would be easy.

I was at the restaurant early, armed with a small recorder, so I didn't have to take notes or rely on my memory. Instead of Jane, Anne showed up.

Standing as she walked over to the table, I mentioned being confused.

"Where's Jane?"

"Something came up, and I came instead. I talked to my husband last night. He actually knows you slightly through your work. Chad said that I should come, order the most expensive thing on the menu, and talk your ears off. He also wants to read your manual when it's finished."

We ate, making small talk. Afterwards we ordered coffee and got down to business. I explained that I was going to tape it and she was okay with that.

"Now, what do you want to know?"

I had thought about this a lot.

"Everything. How your relationship started. Your expectations then and now. Was it what you expected, wanted, and achieved. How hard do you work at keeping each other happy. Are you happy? Where does he need to improve, are there times when you're unreasonable and know it. Who's the peacemaker? Do you make decisions together or unilaterally? Do you accept it when he does, does he when you do?"

I ran out of breath.

"Wow, don't be afraid to ask the hard ones. Give me a minute to process."

After a few sips of coffee, she started slowly, building steam as she went.

She loved her husband, had never been tempted to cheat. It wasn't love at first sight, but the better kind, the love that was built slowly with understanding and consideration. Did he make her angry? All the time, but she did the same. They resolved their little issues to defuse big ones later.

They had a few major fights, but never slept alone because of them. She wished he could be more understanding, he wished she could be a little more open.

"I mean, really, some times it seems like we think on different planes. I way up here and he just hasn't caught up."

................................................

He stopped his narrative to make another point.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this was something I really thought about. I deliberately didn't read any relationship books by learned authors, preferring to let my most unscientific approach

remain pure. But her statement was a recurring theme in almost every interview I did. I thought about it a lot before reaching a conclusion I address in one of the last chapters of my book.

Men and women don't speak the same language because they don't exist in the same space.

Men think in terms of now, responding to visual and aural stimulation.

Women think in the future, it's genetically bred into them. They prefer delayed gratification, and are much more literal. A womans' ultimate erogenous zone is her brain. I heard a comedian recently while I was in a town to do a book signing who nailed it right on the head. I wish I could remember his name to give credit, but it goes like this.

A man, especially a young man, falls in love. He falls in love with what's right in front of him.

He's thinking, man, she is so pretty. Bright smile, good figure, she sure fills that sundress out. She's perfect, just what I want. Plus, she's HOT!

And ladies and gentlemen, he's right.

Guys, shut your eyes. Project a mental picture of you wife. Now, you older ones, the ones that have been married for awhile. What do you see? I bet my book royalties you're still seeing that hot girl in that sundress."

There were quite a few chuckles from the men.

"Now, women, especially young women, look at a man and think: He's really kind, I bet he'd make a great dad. And if I could just get him to cut his hair and dress a little better, I could make something out of him. She can't help it, she's thinking in the future."

"Now ladies, time to shut your eyes and think of your husband. Do you see that skinny, scruffy kid, or do you see your man now, mature, successful, a loving father? Thought so."

There was appreciative laughter from the ladies this time.

"There you have it. Men and women don't communicate well because they don't process information in the same way."

"I'll give you an even better example. As I've said, I listen to a lot of public radio. One day I was listening to Science Friday and they were talking about the advent of GPS and the different way men and women process directions."

"If a couple stops and asks for directions, the woman will listen to the whole set and remember them. She'll remember 'Go to the white church and turn right, go two stoplights and turn left, first building on the right'.

"The man will key on the first part, 'Go to the white church and turn right', then stop and ask directions again."

"The man is thinking in terms of now, the woman is thinking in terms of the future. He's thinking in the short term while she sees the end game."

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I think women are smarter than men. Anyone disagree with me?"

He paused while laughter echoed through the hall.

"I thought not."

................................................ 

He went back to his narrative.

The conversation with Annie was enlightening. The only thing I really learned was that men had no clue.

The conversation with Jane went in a whole different direction.

"I was married to someone else before Harry. He was self centered, confident to the point of arrogance. It was all about him. We didn't last long."

"Thinking all men were pigs I swore off dating for awhile. When I finally started dating, nobody lit my fires."

"Then I met Harry. It was by gosh fairy tale, romance novel, happy ever after love at first glance. I really didn't believe it existed until then. And it wasn't just me, it was both of us."




500 Annies Ch. 02



"We grew together. He was a salesman, a top earner, having to travel a good bit. I hated being away from him but realized it was for our future, we wanted a house full of kids."

"Then I was diagnosed with a degenerative muscle disease, that ran in our family, usually hitting the females more often than the males. I was devastated. Without a doubt, I would be in a wheelchair before I was sixty."

"Also, I swore I would never have kids if I caught it, the pain of passing this on to a daughter was too great for me to bear."

"I had my bags packed and ready before Harry got back from his latest trip. I met him at the door nude, and took him straight to bed. I put every ounce of love I had into it, knowing it would be for the last time."

"We spooned afterwards, he was stroking my hair and telling me how lucky he was to have me when I broke down."

"I told him about the disease, my decision not to have children, and my intention to leave him so he could find another."

"He collapsed completely. My strong man, my protector, cried like a baby and begged with all his heart for me to stay with him."

"He didn't care about the disease, he could live without children, but he couldn't live without me. I'd never felt so loved."

I interrupted her.

"But you've got kids. I've met the twins, they're what, seniors now?"

She looked me in the eye.

"This stays between us[she relented later and let me put this in the book]and Harry. We adopted the kids when they were nine weeks old. They look a little like me because they were my cousins' children, the parents were killed in an auto accident."

"The ironic part is since they're related they may end up with the disease anyway. I had gotten my tubes tied to make sure I couldn't accidentally conceive. But no one else wanted them, and Harry fell more in love with them than I think I did."

"As far as I'm concerned it feels like we have some sort of physic link. He knows when I'm down without being in the same room with me. I get a little knot of pain in my forehead and know he's upset about something."

"I should tell you this. Harry and I were avid dancers, even entering a few contests. When I couldn't dance anymore he stopped, refusing to dance with any one else."

"My sister was getting married. Harry started going to the gym about four months before the wedding, saying he was getting a little flabby. He was bulking up, at the wedding he suddenly grabbed me and carried me out to the dance floor.

For six minutes he held me completely off the floor as we swayed around. That's why he was going to the gym, to gain the strenght to do that."

"How do you compare love like that. I may not be the best one to talk with, Joe. I doubt anyone has the love we share." 

So did I.

...............................................

She was right. So far all I had done was talk to two women in happy, lasting relationships. I needed more data.

I thought about it a lot over the next few days.

Did I really want to do this? How many women should I talk to? How much time was I willing to invest? Would it be worth it in the end?

Ultimately, I decided to do it, just for my own satisfaction. At the time I was pretty sure it would only exist on my computer, I didn't think I had the arrogance to publish it.

Now, time to establish a baseline. I relistened to my tapes of Annie and Jane, both came in at under two hours.

How many to interview? I didn't think a hundred was enough, just as I thought a thousand was too many. I settled for the middle. Five hundred.

Five hundred at two hours each, roughly six months of work at forty hours a week. No way could I invest forty hours a week, so who knew how long it would take.

Early on I decided on a few guidelines. I never expected to see them again after I talked with them, unless we traveled in the same circles.

I didn't want to set it up first. I wanted to catch them cold and off guard. That way they couldn't anticipate and filter the answers, so I would get a more honest response. That's why I wanted to talk to strangers, with no expectations of a relationship and the assumption that I would never see them again, they might be a little more candid. I talked this over with Anne and Jane.

They agreed strangers would be best.

Although I didn't need their name. there was some information I needed, so I developed a checklist.

Age.

Status of relationship.

I realized not all women I would meet would be in a current relationship, but probably had been in one at some point in their lives.

Race.

I was going to try to be diverse as possible.

Level of education.

I wanted to see if smart people made the same mistakes average people do.

Cultural background.

Did traditions you were raised in affect you and your mates?

Are you happy in your relationship?

Was it what you want?

Anne and Jane liked most of my list, and agreed to help me with my first interviews.

.................................................

"Well, there I was audience, ready to start my big adventure. Now I'll spend a bit telling you about the most memorable interviews, and how the book came to be published."

"How many of you have ever heard of The Law Of Unintended Consequences? Good. At the end I'll tell you how that law changed my life forever."

.................................................

That concludes this segment, dear listeners. Tune in tomorrow, and hear how he finished the book. Did it make it better? Listen and decide."

"This is Barbara Barnes, and remember, this is Book Report on WORD. Goodnight."

...............................................

Chapter three soon. And I did screw up. Jaime is Annie. I've learned to never develop two stories at the same time. It leads me to senior moments and confusion for everyone. 



500 Annies Ch. 03



"Good evening, listeners. Tonight we hear the third installment with Joe Williams, author of 500 Annies. If you've listened to the last two installments, you know that he came to write the book after his wife suddenly left him, with very little explanation and no warning.

This segment deals with the actual writing of the book, how he comes to terms with himself and his wifes' betrayal, and unexpectedly finding love again.

Enjoy."

.................................................

The first few interviews were set up by my friends Annie and Jane. After about three interviews, I realized I was going to have to go elsewhere. Word had gotten out and the women had time to think and formulate answers they thought I wanted to hear. All I wanted was the truth, what I was getting was a sanitized version of how they wanted their relationships to go. I did learn a few things from them. I probably learned something from every woman I talked with.

I got creative. I went to coffeehouses, different bars, colleges, churches. I even went to two retirement centers. I talked to women at places I was sent to through my work, I was still working about thirty hours a week.

The travel allowed me unlimited venues for contact.

I talked to women in Boston, St. Louis, Detroit,

smaller towns up and down the East Coast, and along the Mississippi corridor.

At the end of my research I collated my data.

The youngest I interviewed was seventeen. The oldest was eighty three. Three hundred twenty two were between the ages of forty to sixty five. Thirty nine were sixty six to eighty three, one hundred twenty nine were between twenty and thirty nine, and ten were between seventeen and nineteen.

Three hundred twenty were white, eighty were Hispanic, fifteen were of Asian descent, sixty four were Black, ten were Indian, six were Polynesian, and five were American Indian.

Most were Christian, primarily Methodist, Baptist. and Catholic. There were four athiests, ten agnostics, Hindus, Bhuddists, One Japanese lady that was a follower of the Shinto religion,

one American Indian following a traditional religion that included using peyote. Two were members of an offshoot of Voo Doo.

Two hundred eighty eight had been in a previous marriage or live in relationships, sixteen were lesbians, four were polygamists, thirty one were non American in origin. Six were currently in an abusive relationship, five were into relationships governed by BDSM, and fourteen were celibate, eight due to health conditions, six by choice. Surprisingly, twenty seven were bisexual.

Fifty eight believed their relationships would end before six months. Seventy were desperately unhappy but determined to do everything possible to avoid a breakup.

Forty eight weren't in relationships at the moment. And thirty three of those said they weren't interested in starting one anytime soon.

..............................................

Joe paused to sip some water.

"If you think that's confusing now, you should have gone through the process with me.

Most interviews were right at two hours. My shortest was sixteen minutes, and all she did was cry. One lasted over four hours, but she was so compelling that I never noticed the time."

Determined not to get my research compromised, I took a picture if they would let me. Instead of learning names, I would give them my card with my email address and write their number on the card.

I decided to call them all Annie, just as a joke, and to remind me why I was doing it. So when I gave them my card, I would write Annie 20, or 200, wherever I was in my research. I asked that if they contacted me, to use their number so I could look them up to put a face with the message. That's where the title came from."

"It took me fourteen months to finish the interviews, and six months more to collate the data into something manageable, and that was working twenty to thirty hours a week."

The project consumed me. I never let my professionalism slip, I did my job to the best of my ability, but it was second in importance to me.

It got so bad Jane or Chad and Annie would show up every couple of weeks and drag me down to the bar so I could mingle with the living. Chad and Annie had become friends, to the point of dinner or a visit every few weeks.They wanted to keep me in contact with the real world.

Chad was firmly convinced I was a little off for pursuing it so hard, but often joked when it was over I could easily make a fortune as a relationship coach for men.

I had long ago given up the idea of publishing it. It was a cleansing ritual for me, a catharsis from my misery of being abandoned. I expected I would allow Annie, Chad, Jane, and Harry read it, but that was about it. But fate wasn't done with me.

Motion, Inc. used an editing service to make our manuals clearer and concise. My work rarely took any tweaking, I had been doing this for a long time, after all. It was more proof reading than editing. But nobody is perfect, and every once in a while I would make a mistake.

I had been working on a pretty big project, and was finally able to send it off. I was tired, having spent about forty hours in interviews and transcribing for the last nine days, plus doing my regular job. The only excuse I have is exhaustion.

Two days later the editing service called. John had been my contact man for eleven years. We had conversed enough to become friendly, but I had never met him. That was about to change.

"Joe, Joe, this stuff is great! I never knew you had it in you. I want to ask a favor, please, please, let me edit it."

"John it's just a manual, not even on a complicated piece of equipment. You could edit it with one eye closed."

"Are you crazy? The most complicated piece of equipment ever developed is the female brain. A chance for an average guy to peek inside and understand just a little of it is priceless."

I was starting to get a bad feeling.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Your book, of course. I did the edit on the first four chapters already. My company is foaming at the mouth to see the rest of it. You know we're part of a company that publishes non fiction, biograhpies, historical texts, how to books, things along that line. They've been thinking about expanding, things like what you've done would be perfect. You do have it done, don't you?"

I was so tired when I sent the manual off that I accidentally sent the first eight chapters of my book. Looked like the cat was out of the bag.

"John, I wrote that as a kind of therapy for me. I never intended for it to be published."

"You're kidding, please say you're kidding. My boss is going to call you within the hour, he wants to start negotiations for the book today."

"You need to get an agent, and a good lawyer. You didn't hear this from me, but don't accept the first offer. Hint around you're shopping publishers, that'll keep them honest."

"And remember, you want me as an editor. Please."

................................................

Joe paused, his voice was a little hoarse.

Babs knew he needed a little rest.

"Ladies and gentlemen, lets take a few minutes to move about, restore circulation, use the facilities. When we get back I'd like Joe to reflect on some of his favorite interviews."

Ten minutes later the crowd was back in their seats, the stagehands had replenished the water bottles, and Joe took the microphone again.

"All the interviews were important, but a few stick out in my mind. Annie 337 lived in a retirement community. She was seventy four, and looked my age."

"I can still see her face."

.................................................

"You're really 74?"

"Yes I am. I've had a little tightening up done, a facelift, boobs lifted, hell, basically every part of my body has had the effect of gravity reversed. In my own opinion, I'm still pretty hot for my age. Do you agree?"

"I do indeed, I thought you were my age. Are you in a relationship now?"

"Sort of, I'm seeing two men on a regular basis. One is sixty one, the other sixty seven. Personally, I think they're too old for me, but they're pleasant company. Plus, they're both pretty good in bed."

"So I take it you're still sexually active?"

"Oh, as often as possible. I've had a high sex drive ever since, well forever. I've been widowed twice. The highest praise I can give them is they were great in bed."

"Please don't get me wrong, I was never promiscuous. I was always a one man woman, and I loved both my husbands dearly."

"The first was a banker, it was a pretty well thought of profession back then. I'm sure Barry would roll over in his grave at what his profession has degenerated into. "

"Our relationship was the traditional breadwinner/ housewife scenario. It was the early sixties you know."

"But he respected me. He knew I handled every faction of our lives except making money. I reared the children, managed the house, behaved impeccably in social situations. We were a real life Ozzie and Harriet."

"I would get lonely sometimes when he would be trying to climb the corporate ladder, and he hated traveling, but we dealt with it for our betterment."

"We discovered early the joys of sex, and had a strong drive all the way to the end. We understood each other, we fit, you know? And beneath that three piece suit he was a tiger."

"I matched him passion for passion, we were indeed one. We only had one major fight, and it was about money. We had it, and he would make me spend time with him understanding our finances and investments. I told him as long as I had him I would never have to worry. I'll never forget what he said."

"Honey, there may come a time when I'm not here. If that happens, I want you to mourn me, and not worry about your future while you do. This is to protect you and our kids, now please pay attention."

"So I did. I became almost as good as him in money matters. He was very proud of me."

"Then one day the bank called. He was found sprawled over his desk, massive heart attack.

He was fifty seven."

"I cried my eyes out and mourned him. But I moved forward, and thanks to his foresight we were secure financially."

"we were married thirty seven years, and I don't regret a day."

"Five years later I met Paul, my second husband."

"He was a painter[I recoiled slightly at that] and a free spirit. While Barry and I were conservative, he was flashy, loud, and unpredictable. We made love wherever and whenever we wanted. He painted me nude, the portrait hangs in my living room today."

"Where Barry loved his cocktails, Paul didn't drink, said he wanted nothing that would cloud his vision. He wasn't broke, but he wasn't nearly financially secure as I. Money didn't matter to him if he had enough to live on."

"He wanted a prenup to show he didn't want my money. I refused."

"We lived happily for seven years. My kids even liked him after they got to know him, and the grandchildren loved him madly. It was nothing for the kids to come to pick them up and find their faces painted like zoo animals."

"He was killed six years ago when a kid talking on his cell phone ran a stop sign and centered his motorcycle."

"When I think about it, all they had in common was that they loved me, and never stopped communicating, even when I didn't want to listen."

"I'll never marry again, it would take a much younger man to satisfy me fully, and it wouldn't be fair to him. My two lovers combined keep me satisfied and happy. I've had a very good life all in all."

A side note here. The older ladies I interviewed averaged forty plus years in their relationships, I feel it was because of the moral climate at the time. Twenty seven of the thirty nine I interview in that age bracket, sixty six to eighty three, said they should have left their husbands.

.................................................

"Annie 441 was an attractive black woman in her late twenties. This was one of the hardest interviews I had ever done. Her husband was abusive, insanely jealous, and a drug user. Her life was a living hell. The bruises were easily seen even under her dark skin. He had broken her arm, thrown her outside naked when the temperature hovered around twenty, even tried to pimp her out. She drew the line, that's when he broke her arm. She filed a restraining order and assault charges, then didn't show up for court."

"I asked her why she stayed."

"Because I love him, and he loves me."

"And yet he abuses you."

"He doesn't mean to, I just make him so angry."

I nearly exploded. 

"Angry! I was in love with a woman for nearly thirty years. She betrayed me with another and moved out of my life with no notice at all. I was angry."

"Even as I raged against her, damning her to hell, it never occurred to me to beat her or cause her physical harm."

I paused, breathing raggedly.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped off at you. It's just that, if you stay with him, it's going to get worse and you know it. He probably does love you in some sad twisted way. But I have to ask you, is your love for him enough? Will it block out the pain, the humiliation, the darkness. If you have children, will he abuse them? Is this the future you want?"

She wavered, then looked me defiantly in the eyes. 

"It'll get better, he'll realize what he's done to me one day and change. I know it in my heart."

I knew she knew deep down she was lying.

..................................................

"There were many highs and lows experienced during these interviews. Moments of almost blinding joy and agonizing sadness. Times when I felt I was making progress in my quest for understanding, many more times when I realized no man would truly understand a woman."

"Annie 499, the next to last interview I did, gave me great hope for mankind in general."

"I was in a mid sized town in Maryland, on a job. I was feeling pretty good with my progress, this one would be over quickly."

"I had checked out of my motel and was on my way out of town. It was lunchtime, and I passed a small restaurant that featured crab cakes, a regional delicacy. She was standing on the side of the road, holding up a cardboard sign."

"Help me. I need a job."

It got my interest so I walked over.

"Any luck?" I pointed at the sign.

She sighed. 

"None. I don't know what to do. I've tried the employment office. temp agencies, I've put applications in with every business in the area. Nobody wants an eighteen year old with no experience."

She smiled her brightest smile.

"You're not hiring, are you mister?"

I felt bad for her.

"No, but I will buy you lunch in exchange for an interview."

Her defenses started to raise.

"I don't know mister, you're not some kind of pervert, are you?"

I grinned to lessen her fears.

"Nope. Even worse, I'm a writer. Right now I'm doing a book on relationships. Too bad you're not married."

Her eyes blazed.

"Am too married. For almost a year."

"Where's your ring?"

She blushed a little.

"Don't have one, we couldn't afford it. But he's gonna get me one, soon."

"Well, there you go. You're married, a perfect candidate for an interview. I'm going in now, join me if you want."

I got a table near the window. She was still outside, holding the sign with grim desperation.

I flagged the waitress down. 

"Do you know that girl?"

She glanced out the window. 

"Yeah, that's Wendy. Poor girl, she has no luck at all. Lucy lets her bus tables every once in a while for a meal and a few dollars. She eats less than half, and takes the rest back to the shelter for her husband."

"Shelter?"

"Yeah, they live in shelters. Foster kids, both of them, they've had a terrible life. God, I wish things would get better for them."

I gave her a twenty.

"Do me a favor, take her the largest drink you have, and tell her she has a meal paid for."

I peeled off another twenty.

"Take this for your trouble."

She looked at it.

"I can't take this for something I would probably have done after the lunch rush anyway."

She tried to hand it back to me. I pushed it back into her hands.

"Keep half, then, and give her another meal when she needs it."

"You're a kind man, mister. I'm sure she'll appreciate it."

A few minutes later she walked out with a jumbo styrofoam cup in her hand and gave it to Wendy. There was some hand waving and pointing, and when she came back in Wendy was with her.

She came straight up to me and slipped into my booth.

"You really a writer?"

I nodded.

"Have I read anything you've written?"

"No, I doubt it. I'm a technical writer. Been one for over twenty years. This is just something I wanted to do."

"How many women have you interviewed so far?"

"Four hundred ninety eight."

"No shit? Oops. I mean really? How many more do you intend to interview?"

"You, and one more. My goal was five hundred."

She sat back and relaxed.

"All right, but I want a crab cake plate, large, with extra onion rings."

"Deal."

I shook hands with her and ordered her meal.

Her story was heartbreaking. Abandoned as a small child, she had no idea where her parents are, or if they're even alive. She went from foster homes to orphanages and back to foster homes.

She was provided for, the very basics, and for the most part treated well, but there was no love.

She met her husband in a group counseling session for troubled foster kids. She was fourteen, he was fifteen.

Her eyes glowed at the memory.

"We looked at each other and I knew right then. This is who I wanted to spend my life with. We shared a coke at the break. We were both so awkward and tongue tied, nobody told us about love. But when we took our seats I sat next to him, and I haven't left his side since.

He lived in the group home, and I had a foster family that lived two blocks over. He was in the home because he wouldn't go to school, and he was so big his foster parents were afraid of him, even though he gave them no reason to be.

I mentioned that I was now attending that school and didn't know anyone there. The next day he was on the sidewalk, waiting to walk me to school. He did it everyday until he graduated. I was so proud of him when he crossed the stage to get his diploma.

He was one of the student speakers, honored for his turnaround. In his speech, he gave all the credit to me, saying the woman he loved was responsible for his success. I was crying so hard they almost threw me out of the auditorium.

One of his classmates' mother taped it, and made me a copy. It's my most treasured possession."

"We married the day after I turned eighteen, at the courthouse. We picked up beer cans to pay for the license and the ceremony. We had to get a janitor to be our witness. It was still the happiest day in my life."

Damn, something must have gotten in my eye.

"If I understand it correctly, you live in a shelter, is that true?"

Her eyes were downcast.

"Yeah, I don't have a job, and he does day labor. Sometimes he gets to work all week, sometimes not at all. What sucks is I'm on one side and he's on the other. We don't have a conjugal dorm, and we're pretty heavily monitored, insurance liability, you know."

"On the bright side, I do get to kiss him goodnight."

I tried to phrase the next delicately.

"If you don't sleep together, how do you...conjugate?"

"Oh, sometimes we stay with a friend that has an apartment. I clean it in exchange for bedroom time with my husband. And there's a park, a few of us do some stargazing, while the others watch for, uh, wildlife."

I had the feeling the wildlife was blue dogs and rats.

My heart ached for this child. She showed me a picture of her husband, a small strip you get at those photo booths. An average looking guy, kind of like me.

Her face was radiant when she talked about the children they wanted. Three, no preference to sex.




500 Annies Ch. 03



She vowed they would have a better life if it killed her.

Sometimes you meet strangers, sometimes you meet friends. Wendy was going to be my friend. I made a call to the company I had just left.

"Jerry, Joe here. No, I didn't forget anything. I've got a friend here in town, she and her husband need a job pretty bad. Yes, I'll personally vouch for them. What? Wait, I'll ask her."

"Wendy, how does nine fifty an hour sound?"

You would have thought I'd offered the moon.

She just cried and nodded yes.

"Jerry, she said that would do to start. What? I'll ask her. Wendy, does your husband know how to drive a forklift?"

Still crying, she nodded yes again.

"Yes, he does. Eleven an hour? That'll do to start with. She will be in to fill out the paperwork right after lunch. Jerry, I really appreciate this. I owe you, and I always pay my debts. Thanks again."

She was so shocked she forgot to eat.

I called the waitress over. I looked at her nameplate.

"Sue, are you a good woman? Can I trust you?"

She eyed me warily.

"My husband thinks so, and yes, I'm trustworthy."

Wendy was watching, wondering where I was going with the questioning.

"Wendy, stay right here. I need to talk to Sue for just a second."

I stood and went over to the counter. She joined me after refilling some glasses, she was working after all.

"Sue, I think you're a good woman. I need you to do something for me, something that will take a little of your time this afternoon. When do you get off? Do you have to go straight home? And I want you to do it for Wendy, not me."

"I get off right after the lunch crowd is gone, at two. My husband doesn't get home until six thirty, and we're empty nesters. If I agree with

what you want, is that enough time?"

"Plenty" I assured her.

Wendy has a job interview with Apex Consolidated. Do you know it?"

She nodded.

"She's got the job if she shows up. Look at her, she's neat and clean, but her clothes have seen better days, and her toe sticks out of one of her sneakers. I want you to take her to Wal-Mart, get her new clothes and shoes, then take her to the interview. I'll pay for your gas and time. Will you help her?"

"Why are you doing this? What's in it for you?

"The warm fuzzy feeling you get when you do the right thing, just because it's right. I don't think she's had a lot of luck in her life, let's give her some."

"I've never met her before. When I leave today I'm going back home and will probably never see her again. But I'll always remember her for her hope and optimism in the face of such overwhelming adversity. It give me reason to believe our species isn't such a waste after all. Now, will you help?"

I think she had actual tears in her eyes when I finished. I pulled all the cash I had out of my wallet, a little over four hundred dollars, and gave it to Sue.

"Keep a hundred for your trouble, and don't argue. Take your husband some where nice, pay a bill, or just stick it back for what if. But I insist you keep it. Make her spend at least two hundred on herself, and the other hundred on her husband. I'm thanking you in advance."

I walked over to Wendy.

"Child, I hope you enjoy your meal. I have to leave now, but it was a real honor to meet you. I pray all your dreams come true. Don't let me down on that job, I vouched for you, and I'll hear about it if you mess up."

I gave her my card with her number on it.

I almost made it to my car when she grabbed me, hugged me as hard as she could, and kissed my cheek.

I rubbed it absently as I drove away, damn allergies anyway, I could barely see the road.

.............................................

I did my last interview and finished the book.

John did an outstanding job editing it. It was much better after he finished it. The publishing company did one of the many new tricks companies do to attract new customers. They put my first three chapters on their epublishing branch, free, a month before the release date, with a promise that if it was preordered, they could get it five days before the print version hit the stores.

Amazingly, forty thousand plus preordered. The publicists did a good job getting the word out.

The rest, as you know, is history.

.................................................

Babs interjected at this point. She knew from conversations she had with Joe beforehand that he had a new woman in his life. She was sure the audience would want to know he was not pining for his lost wife.

"So, Joe, your life must be much different from before? Do you live in the same style as before, have you gone 'Hollywood' on us? Out dating starlets, that sort of thing?"

His laughter was refreshing after his mostly serious discourse.

"Yes, it's much different, but not in the way you think. After the book was published I went on publicity junkets. Book signings, talk shows, personal appearances, that sort of thing."

"I didn't have any starlets. After my wife left me the way she did, I wasn't anxious to get back into the relationship game. Oh, I dated a few times, spent some serious time with another author I found myself in the company of a lot as she did publicity for her book, but it was a friendship of proximity, not attraction. We're still good friends, it didn't get far enough to engender hard feelings."

"I wasn't looking for love. And, as usual, when you aren't looking for something it slaps you in the face."

"So, I take it you do have a relationship with someone? How did you meet?"

She knew, and it was a great story. The audience would love it. 

"I stole her lunch."

.................................................

I was at the publishers office, stopping by to get my new schedule. If I knew how much work promoting a book was compared to writing it, I would probably never turned on my computer.

In eight months I had been to almost every major city in the northern hemisphere. It was fun for awhile, but I never really liked traveling so it got old pretty quick. But I was contractually committed, so I had to suck it up.

They had assigned a driver to me, and a Cadillac SUV. It was nice but way too big in my opinion.

We were going out to lunch, just to eat, thank goodness, not a meeting. I was passing the employee lounge when one of the delectable smells I had ever experienced made my nose take notice.

I surprised my driver by going in.

A woman was standing at the microwave. A dark haired beauty, it was the first time voluptuous ever had any meaning to me. I later found out she was 38[DD] 28 40. She stood 5'4" without her trademark 3 inch heels. The woman oozed sensuality like fat men sweat when caught in a lie.

I was so stunned with her appearance I almost forgot what I came in there for. Fortunately, she was holding the plate the aroma was coming from.

"What is that?" I asked, greedily.

"Meatloaf, Cuban style. Mashed potatoes with garlic, and french cut green beans. It's my lunch."

I think I surprised everyone in the room with my actions.

"Not anymore it isn't. I'll give you fifty dollars for that plate."

"Are you on crack? Go get your own lunch. I've only got forty five minutes, go away!"

"All right, a hundred."

For the first time she noticed my driver. It wasn't a service, the company kept a few cars and drivers around, it was easier to keep track of their writers. That way their first loyalty was to them, and if a writer wanted to deviate from the schedule, look for drugs, hookers, or what have you, they were refused and reported. Stoned writers were notoriously unreliable.

"Bobby, who is this guy?"

"Joe Williams, you know, 500 Annies."

She looked me up and down. 

"So you're the guy that knows the inner workings of a womans' mind. Somehow, I thought you would look smarter."

She was saying it for shock value, and my answer surprised her.

"Obviously you haven't read the book, or you'd realize I'm just as dumb as I look. Look, I haven't had a decent home cooked meal for almost a year. I'm desperate here. Tell you what, I'll give you the hundred and a meal at any restaurant in town. Please."

"Anywhere?"

"Yes, anywhere."

"I just love it when a man begs. All right, here's the deal. I'll SHARE my lunch with you, and you can take me to La Frontera for dinner. Deal?"

"Are you kidding? A home cooked lunch and dinner with a beautiful woman the same day? DEAL!"

I grabbed her hand and shook it.

The whole room laughed, and I think she ended up being the embarrassed one.

She was nice, and let me eat most of the food.

Her name was Yolanda[don't call me that, I don't like it]Maria Garza. Half Cuban, Half Irish. I wondered if she had a temper?

Over the next few months, I found she did. Hot blooded, she loved as hard as she fought. It was kind of overwhelming.

As we parted she told me to make the reservations for as early as possible, so we could eat in time for her to get home for her kids at a decent hour.

"You don't have to go if it interferes with your family. Husband and kids should always come first."

I loved her laugh. 

"Nice cast, you must be a fisherman No, no husband around. And my kids are pretty old, but I'll call my cousin Becky, she likes to watch them. Says it reminds her why she didn't have children."

Sometimes it's good to be a bestselling author. I took a little doing but I had reservations for seven, mostly because Rick Bayless wanted to meet me.

She got off at five thirty and had me pick her up at six. We arrived a little early and surprisingly got seated immediately.

She declined a drink before dinner, saying she didn't want to dull her palate. I had a Victoria, a Mexican beer I favored almost as much as Shiner bock. She studied the menu.

"What should we order?"

"I'm going to order the Mexican style barbeque.

Order what you want, and please, if you have some suggestions, I'm all ears."

Just then Rick Bayless walked up and welcomed me. I had brought an autographed copy of the book for his wife, and another for his daughter.

He and Maria slipped in and out of Spanish, discussing food.

I don't know what we ate, but it was all great. I was so stuffed I didn't want to move. Maria wasn't shy about eating, I commented she must wear the gym out to stay in the shape she was in.

"I have a great exercise regimen. I chase four teenagers around and work a full time job in my spare time."

"You're old enough to have teenagers? What, were you a child bride?"

Her smile was like sunshine.

"You're either a great flatterer or you really don't have a clue about women. I'm forty six."

Shit, I thought she was in her late thirties.

She showed me pictures of her children. Two boys, sixteen and fourteen. Twin girls, thirteen.

I showed her a picture of AJ and her baby.

We both agreed family was a great thing.

All too soon it was over. I dropped he at the station, she lived about an hour from Chicago, said there just wasn't anything local.

..............................................

I hadn't felt this good in years. The attraction was tremendous. at least on my part. I would be in town for the next six days, and I hoped I could spend more time with her. 

God must love me after all, because she got Bobby to give me her cell number, with orders to call, now.

It rang twice before she picked up. Without preamble she gave me instructions.

"Home cooked dinner tonight, my house, seven.

It won't be an intimate dinner, all my kids will be there. Take am overnight bag, trains don't run past eight. Don't get your hopes up, we have a very nice motel and I reserved a room for you. Do not miss the train!"

I was waiting for her when she left the office.

She gave me a friendly hug and hurried me towards the station. She lived in a small town about an hour out of Chicago, Grant something or other. 

Her house was modest, but in a good neighborhood. Three bedrooms and she needed more. The boys shared one, the twins the other. I was quickly distracted by the smells coming out of the kitchen.

"What is that?"

She and the girls smiled.

"You'll know in about half an hour. Boys, keep him distracted until dinner is done."

The boys didn't say much, but they didn't ignore me. They had been watching a baseball game when I came in and I suggested they switched it back on.

I love baseball, it appeals to me as an engineer and a chess player. I've always considered baseball a human version of a chess game, with the manager as the player, and the team the pieces. I told the boys my theory and they warmed up quickly. They were both on their high school team, one as an outfielder and the other as a catcher.

We agreed the Cubs and the White Sox were going to have another dismal year, and I lamented the Braves just weren't the same without the leadership of Bobby Cox.

We were having a serious discussion on the designated hitter rule when I noticed Maria watching us with a little smile on her face.

"Boys, It's time for dinner. You can finish your debate afterwards."

Cuban pulled pork sandwiches, they showed me the different condiments. I chose one that was a bit spicy, but bearable. A fruit salsa, and a rice dish with vegetables, shrimp, and chicken. It was one of the best meals I had ever had. I tried not to eat too much and failed miserably. 

After the dishes were cleaned I thought I would be shown the door. The surprises kept coming.

It was family game night, and in my honor tonight's game was Scrabble. I spent an hour getting my butt kicked. I never knew there were national championships for Scrabble, but the twins were avid players and competitors. Christina and Cassandra both had been to the state junior championships. I was totally humiliated.

It didn't help any when they got comfortable enough to taunt me.

"Are you sure you're a writer? You don't seem to know many words. That's not really a word is it? Show me in the dictionary?"

They had a huge dictionary on the table just for challenges. Apparently 'snarful' wasn't really a word.

The boys and Marie had quit playing, enjoying my destruction.

All to soon the night was over. It was loud, boisterous, and filled with love. I got quiet on the way to the motel. She seemed to sense something.

"What's wrong? Did you enjoy yourself? I know the girls can be quite vicious when it comes to their games, but they seemed to like you."

I shook my head.

"I loved every second. You tell those snippy little youngsters I want a rematch. I'm going to study, I won't be so easy next time. Th reason I went quiet was that I always wanted a large family. It wasn't until tonight that I realized what I missed. Medical reasons forced us to just have one."

"Why didn't you adopt? There's too many kids out there without families as it is."

"Short answer? She didn't want to. I brought it up at least four times over the years, but she shot it down until it was too late."

She didn't say a thing, but reached over and held my hand until we got to the motel.

I thanked her for the evening as she walked me to my room.

"It was my pleasure. You were a big hit with the kids, they usually don't warm up to men that fast.

For that matter neither do I."

We were standing at my door by then.

I started to say goodnight when she took my head and pulled it down to hers. The kiss was soft, lingering and full of promise. We probably held it a little too long, and when we broke we were both a little flushed.

"Maria,I---"

She put her fingers on my lips. Damn, even they felt erotic.

"Hush, my good man. Don't spoil it by talking.

I'll be here to pick you up at seven thirty. Be ready."

One more brief kiss and she was gone.

................................................

"We have to stop now, our time is up. Tune in tomorrow for the final show, where Joe discusses what he learned by writing the book and tells us where he's at now, especially romantically."

"This is Barbara Barnes, Book Report, WORD, 86.7 on your dial. Goodnight all."



500 Annies Ch. 04



Conclusion

The big finish, I hope.

.................................................

"Good evening listeners, this is Barbara Barnes, glad you could join us for the final installment of our interview with Joe Williams. In this segment he tell what the book has meant to him and how it changed his life, even leading him to find a new love."

"Sit back, enjoy, and thanks for listening."

.................................................

"So, Joe, was it love at first sight?"

"No, but it was pretty close. My Maria was a breath of fresh air blown into my stale life."

...............................................

I had commitments for the next several days and could only see Maria for lunches. She usually brought us something, but I did manage to take her out to another restaurant she always wanted to try. And I always got a really nice kiss at the end of lunch.

Then I had to go back out on the road. The publishers wanted me to go on an European tour, the book was really starting to take off overseas.

London, Dublin, Edinburgh, Paris, Munich, Rome, Madrid, Istanbul, Moscow, and a few more to be confirmed. Three months of constant interviews and appearances. I hated the whole idea.

I had two more weeks of domestic commitments, then two weeks off before I had to leave. I called Maria almost every night, I thought she might get tired of it, but on the days I didn't call she called me.

I stopped by the office on my way to somewhere else and surprised her for lunch. I was surprised by the intensity of her welcome.

"Joe! Honey, why didn't you tell me you were coming, I would have made you something. I must look a mess, it's been really hectic today. I---"

I shut her up the only way I knew how, I kissed her, long and hard.

"I missed you too, Maria. How are the kids? Tell the girls I've been practicing, I won't be as easy next time."

"Oh, the kids are fine, they want to know when you're coming back. How long are you going to stay this time?"

I had three days off, the kids were out of school, and I wanted to spend it with all of them. Maria didn't know it, but she had been temporarily assigned to me as a personal assistant. Best selling author pulling strings, management wanted me happy.

She didn't know whether to be happy or pissed. I was glad happy won out.

She insisted I come to her house for the evening. I was already packed.

The girls ripped me up in Scrabble again, but did admit it was a little harder than before.

We were all sitting around the kitchen table, ever notice how many important events in your life occur at the kitchen table or in your car? I had some surprises for all of them.

My opening came when they asked me how long I was going to stay.

"I've got three days, and your mother will be my personal assistant, which means she pretty much has to do what I say to keep her job. I've got six tickets to the Cubs game tomorrow. They're playing the Braves. Her first official duty is to find four more people to go with us, think she can handle that?"

Bedlam ensued. She alternated between irritated glances at me and the kids, but finally relented. The ride back to the motel was quiet. I didn't get a kiss.

The next morning was a little frosty.

"Don't ambush me with my kids again, ever. We don't know if we're going anywhere, it wouldn't be fair to get them used to you and then you up and disappear. It happened once since their father left and the aftermath wasn't pretty. So, if you've got any more surprises, tell me now and I'll make the final decision."

I apologized.

"Sorry, I just got carried away. I didn't think it was fair to try and take you away from them for three days, and this seemed like the best solution. I just wanted everybody to be happy."

Her smile was like the first thaw of spring. I decided to press my luck.

"Uh, as far as other activities, I didn't think it was fair to drag the girls to a baseball game without giving them something too. If we guys can force you to watch baseball, turnabout is fair play. Cassie said she was in the school orchestra and Tina is in marching band, so I sort of got tickets to the Chicago Symphony tomorrow night, with guest cellist Yo-Yo Ma. That should even the scales."

At first I thought she was pissed all over again, but she smiled. 

"Don't tell them, I'll do it after the game. I have a sneaking suspicion you're trying to get to me through my kids. It's going to be a pain in the ass commuting back and forth, but we'll deal with it. If you have anything else to tell me, do it now."

"well, I thought about all the commuting, and kind of got you guys a suite in the hotel I'm staying at, look how much time we'll save, which means more time I can spend with you."

She whipped the car int a parking lot. I braced myself for the explosion, which surprisingly didn't come.

"Joe, how much did all this cost?"

"Cost? I have no idea. The publishers came up with all the tickets, and I booked the suite. Not as much as you think, probably. Oh, and we got Bobby and the Caddy for as long as we need it.

Please Maria, money isn't that big a deal."

"Just how much money do you have, Joe?"

"I don't really know, honest. Every time I talk to my accountant it changes. Last time I checked it was around three million, but my agent is close to closing the deal for the movie rights, and that will be another five or six, plus the royalties from the video and pay per view. And the paperback royalties, of course. He estimates I'll be worth about twelve to fifteen million by this time next year. Please don't tell anyone I told you this."

The numbers stunned her into silence. Then she smiled.

"All right, but I'm telling you now, I plan to be very high maintenance."

I stuck my hand out.

"Deal?"

She grabbed my hand and pulled me into a kiss. When she let loose she wiped the lipstick off my mouth and said "Deal!"

"Please don't be mad, or concerned about what this weekend costs. Whatever it is, it will be worth every dime to me. Let's just have a good time."

And we did just that.

The kids were over the moon. The guys were packed in no time, but the girls took forever. Clothes were decided on, then discarded. She finally put her foot down and told them we were leaving in ten minutes, with or without them.

As the days went by, I thought about all the fun times Annie and I had with AJ, then multiplied by a factor of three. That's how much fun I had.

The game was great. I sat in the middle with Maria, the guys sat beside me, the girls by her.

One of the drawbacks to being semi-famous is you get singled out a lot. I had on my old 'lucky' Braves hat, sitting in a sea of Cubs fans. I caught a lot of ribbing. It was capped off during the seventh inning stretch, when we appeared on the jumbotron and the announcer gave my name.

He made a joke about being misguided, but being in good company.

I think the crowd was more impressed with Maria in her tight Cubs jersey. 

The Cubs lost. seven to four. I didn't rub it in, but wore my hat a little straighter.

Bobby knew a great little Italian place that was famous for the deep dish pies. It was a perfect end to the evening. Maria ordered two large with everything for Bobby to take home. She was already his friend, now she was his hero. I told him we probably wouldn't need him before noon tomorrow, so sleep in.

He dropped us at the hotel. We walked in, Maria on one arm and Cassie on the other, while Tina was between her two brothers. We passed a man with what was obviously his wife and two teenagers. Apparently they had been arguing because he pointed us out.

"See" he said loudly, "That's what families are supposed to be like."

We didn't say anything, but she gripped me a little tighter and the boys walked a little taller.

I got a tremendous goodnight kiss from Maria, and pecks on the cheek from the girls. The boys didn't know what to do, so I let them off the hook with a warning.

"Today was about guy stuff. Tomorrow is for the girls. So, whatever it is, don't whine. Suck it up and let them have their day."

That left them wondering.

...............................................

Maria called me at eight the next morning. 

"Get your butt down here. I've got four kids ready for breakfast and they won't start without you."

"Don't wait, order room service for us. Sausage, two eggs scrambled, whole wheat toast, and coffee for me. Let me talk to Cassie."

She didn't know why, but when I got her on the phone I told her to let the others know they could order anything and everything they wanted, and Mom wasn't allowed to complain. If she didn't like it she could take it up with me.

They had ordered a buffet spread, a little of everything. The boys were in sweats, the girls in pajamas, and Maria had on a short gown covered by an even shorter, silk robe. It was a good thing I was sitting down, it could have been really embarrassing.

"I seemed to be over dressed." I joked.

Tina answered me.

"When you said order anything we wanted, we realized we didn't have to get dressed. This is usually what we look like at breakfast."

Maria couldn't help but needling me a little.

"Well, honey, I'm sure no one wanted to see you wandering around in your boxers."

Cassie couldn't help it, it was too good to pass up.

"Oh, I don't know Mom, I bet I know one person who would like to see him in his boxers."

Maria choked on a bagel while the girls giggled and the boys grinned. She went bright red.

"Enough of that young lady. What shall we do today?"

I gave the girls their schedule for the day.

"Do not let your mother deviate from this. It's all taken care of, just enjoy. And your Mom is not to see it until after me and the boys are gone."

She was starting to get that tight look around her eyes. I pulled her into my lap.

"Be nice, or I'll have to get a new assistant. You'll have a good time, I promise. If you don't like it, feel free to cancel."

The girls had been reading the note.

"Noooo!" They both wailed when I told her she could cancel.

"This better be good."

She looked grim.

"Remember what you said about high maintenance?

That gave me the idea. You're going to be so high maintenance today it going to take a rocket mechanic to get it done. Enjoy."

The girls were looking at her with unshed tears, that morphed into whoops of laughter when she relaxed.

"What are you guys going to do today?"

I grinned.

"Don't you worry about that. We'll find something to amuse us. Now, let's enjoy breakfast."

I sat and ate while the banter and teasing flowed around me. The girls would kiss my cheek from time to time and whisper a question. It was driving Maria crazy. I loved it.

The boys got dressed and we left. I kissed her cheek at the door and told her to have a good time.

We were in a five star hotel, and they had a very nice spa. The girls got the full treatment, pedicures, manicures, massages, face and body treatments, everything they offered. Tina grabbed her Moms' phone and sent me a photo of her, green slime on her face, eyes covered with cucumbers, and a towel wrapped around her head. I kept it, texting back I was going to show it to anyone who wanted to see a picture of my girlfriend. Maria was NOT amused when she saw it but I refused to delete it.

Next came the beauty salon. They were teased, styled, made up and redone until they got the right look. They left with bags full of cosmetics and hair care products.

At twelve thirty Bobby delivered them to one of the most popular dining spots in Chicago, a tea room catering exclusively to women.

Next he took them to one of the most upscale ladies stores in town. I had made the arraingments, they were to each get two dresses, one for day wear and one formal. They were custom fitted for maximum effect. Plus 'foundation' garments. 

The boys and I weren't just goofing off. First we went to a very nice menswear store and had two suits each tailored, with the instructions the more formal ones be done no later than three. The bill was more than I usually spent on clothing all year, but I had to admit, we really looked sharp.

Lunch at a popular Greek restaurant, then off to Wrigley field. We didn't stay for the game, but met most of the team while they took batting practice. The boys had their picture taken with players and a few of the coaches.

Miguel, or Mickey as he preferred to be called, got to shag a few fly balls while Antonio[Tony] got to catch for a couple of the relievers.

Sometimes it's good to be rich and famous.

.................................................

I kept the boys until 5:30. Then we dressed in our new suits and went down to collect the girls for dinner. We did manage to get out hair cut, actually styled for the boys, so we were fairly presentable.

When we entered, we probably spent a good minute just staring at each other.

They were stunning, simply stunning. Maria had an upswept hair style, a dark green shimmering dress that fell jut below her knees, with a neckline that made you realize what was underneath. The girls were dressed basically the same, except for a more demure neckline and a slightly higher hem.

In a premonition of things to come, I realized I was going to have a lot of sleepless nights when they started dating.

We guys were all matched with black suits, all though each was just different enough to give us some individuality. We were a damned handsome family, and I was proud to be associated with them.

"My God! Maria, you and the girls look so beautiful, words can't do you justice."

The boys chipped in about what a MILF she was and how hot the girls looked.

They glowed under our praise, then proceeded to tell us what a handsome group of men we were.

We had one more surprise for the girls before we left. We had stopped at a jewelers, and bought matching diamond earrings for all three. The girls each got a locket with small diamonds, while Maria got a diamond pendant. They were speechless when we presented them.

Then the sniffles started, and they had to repair their make up before we left.

When we hit the lobby heads turned. I was never more proud.

The same was true for dinner. We kept getting looks, and when the girls went to the bathroom, another diner asked the girls if their dad was someone famous. Maria told me about it much later.

"He's a writer, you might have heard of him. Joe Williams? 500 Annies?" said Cassie, proudly.

Tina chipped in.

"Yeah, he's sort of famous, he was on 'Today' last week."

I wondered why I kept getting looks, but no one invaded our privacy.

The concert was amazing. I've never been a fan of classical music, but the pieces performed that night were inspiring. Plans had been made earlier, so when we back stage, the conductor and Yo Yo Ma were there to meet us. Cassie actually cried. Of course, pictures were taken.

There was an article in the Sun-Times the next day about the event, and a picture with Cassie and Yo YO Ma. She framed it.

The next day was Sunday, and Maria insisted we go to mass. I was born a Methodist, so I didn't know what to do, but followed along. We had on our new suits, and the girls had on the new dresses. They were just as beautiful, but in a more demure way.

We spent the day lazing around, going to a movie. They fought, the boys wanted an action, the girls wanted a romance. They both appealed to me, but I dodged it by telling them to let their mother to decide.

"Oh no. We've been catered to all weekend. Ask your fa--I mean Joe what he would like to see."

It was a little slip with big overtones. Silence ensued for just a second before I responded.

"Well, if I get to choose, we'll see them both. The romance first, then the action to wake us up. And no junk, you'll spoil your dinner."

Of course they got popcorn and drinks anyway, but no candy. Maria held my hand and snuggled during the weepy parts. I can't even tell you the name of what we saw, I couldn't focus on anything but her.

After dinner and a game of Scrabble, it was time for bed. We were all sad, they had to go back home, and I had to go on the road. 

................................................

It was a bittersweet ride I had back up to my room. Being with Maria and her kids reminded me of so much that I missed in my life. I loved AJ with all my heart and soul, but I was sure if I had been given the chance, there would have been more than enough for a few others.

I hadn't been in my room more than thirty minutes when there was a knock on my door. Maria swept in when I opened it, with an odd expression on her face.

"The kids suggested I come up here to say goodnight. They also suggested I stay around to say good morning."

I didn't know what to say. It didn't matter, she rambled on.

"I keep forgetting they're not babies anymore. I'm pretty sure Mickey is sexually active, I found a pack of condoms in his room. Even the girls urged me to come up. God, what kind of an example am I giving them?"

She looked me dead in the eye.

"But I wanted to come, really, really badly. I haven't felt these emotions since I first married their father, I didn't think I ever would again."

She was crying now.

"Please don't hurt me, Joe, don't hurt them. We deserve happiness, don't we?"

I swept her into my arms and onto my lap.

"You deserve everything I have in my power to give you, to give them. We've only been seeing each other for less than a month, but you're all I think about. I'll be in a hotel room watching something and think about talking with the boys about it. I practice Scrabble and think about the girls."

"But the worst is when I lay down at night, wishing you were with me to talk about the day, to hold in my arms, to be able to love you."

Damn it, now I was crying.

She was listening, and had stopped snuffling.

The smile she gave me was small, soft, and secretive, and I wish I had a picture of it. Doesn't matter, I can shut my eyes at any time and see it plain as day. I'm sure I would until the day I die.

"I knew" she said softly, "I knew you were the one. I knew it when you met my kids."

She stood up and took my hand, leading to the bed.

"I want to show you something, something you paid for today.

She slipped the loose top off, revealing a black lace bra that barely contained her magnificent breasts. She slipped out of her pants, revealing a matching thong. She twirled around.

"Think you made a good investment?" she said in a smoky voice.

I couldn't breath, literally. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

"Look, it's French, see the name on the label?"

She undid the front clasp of the bra, and they sprang free. Time and children had taken their toll, but the slight sag made them more alluring.

I was having trouble thinking, I don't think any blood at all was getting to my brain.

"Want to take the rest off for me?"

I was more than willing. As I slipped the thong off her firm bottom, I thanked every deity known to man for this opportunity.

I was out of my clothes in no time, thanks to enthusiastic help.

I lay her on the bed, determined to kiss every square inch of her body. Flipping her over, I nuzzled her neck, licked and nibbled her ears, trailing kisses down her spine.

When I reached her ass, I spent time kissing every part, leaving nothing untouched. She was starting to wiggle and moan,but I kept on, kissing down her thighs, the valley between, and nibbling the back of her knees. I could smell her smoky sweet scent of arousal, getting glimpses of moisture as I worked my way down. She nearly jumped off the bed when I kissed her ankles.

"Oh, Joe, Joe, what are you doing to me. I can't stand much more."

I turned her back over and started my slow, sensuous journey back up. I kissed the tops of her feet, nibbled on her knees, and started on her thighs. Her legs parted slightly of their own accord and I licked and nibbled all the way up to what the French call 'The Gates Of Heaven'.




500 Annies Ch. 04



She had a full bush[going to have to change that]. Her outer lips were swollen and slick, her clit sticking out like a little pearl. I swirled my tongue around the nub unexpectedly, and she shrieked, bucking wildly.

She grabbed my head and pulled it up.

"No, honey, not that, get up here and love me."

I tormented her some more. Instead of doing what she asked I continued my slow ascension, kissing her lower belly, working my way up to those magnificent mounds.

I practically worshiped them, kissing and nipping in small concentric circles until I reached the nipples. By them she was moaning and thrashing, but I locked my lips on first one and then the other, pulling and teasing with tongue and fingers. They were large and long, I found out later she breastfed all her children, and she said the twins really took a toll on them.

It didn't seem to make them any less sensitive.

I bit her neck slightly, kissed her cheeks and eyes as she shook her head from side to side, trying to capture my mouth. I wouldn't kiss her until I was ready, she was almost begging.

When our lips finally met, it was just long enough to form a seal for our tongues, sending them dancing and twirling back and forth. She was actually arching upwards, thrusting. She finally broke the kiss.

"Now, damn it, now. Make me yours!"

She was dripping so access was easy, I slipped all the way in with one long thrust, as she moaned in pleasure. I began a slow, steady rhythm, followed by a few quick and hard thrusts, before slowing down again. She moaned, she gasped, she demanded. Her first climax was tremendous, screaming to the world her intentions. Her second was smaller, but almost as intense.

When she got close she got vocal.

"I'm gonna come, Joe! Come with me baby, please!" 

She was bucking and pounding, almost throwing me off. I couldn't hold it any longer, exploding with a force I didn't think possible. She got there just before me.

I collapsed beside her, gasping. This woman was going to kill me, I thought, what a way to go.

She cried, which I didn't understand. I don't think she was sad, so I just held her and let her cry it out. She fell asleep in my arms.

I woke up about three a.m., trying to understand what I was feeling. She was spooned up against me, pressing her hips back and forth into me. I was already erect, and with a little adjustment I slipped right in. We enjoyed a long slow session. only speeding up when the need for release was too great. We immediately slipped back into slumbers.

At seven thirty she woke me up with a warm washcloth, bathing me gently into an erection.

"Good, you're awake" She giggled.

"Lie back honey, I'm going to do the work this time."

She rode me slowly for awhile as I adored her breasts. I nipped one a little too hard and left a small hickey.

"Hey! What are you trying to do, mark your property?"

I was serious as I looked her in the eye.

"Yes."

She looked back just as intently before saying 

"Good."

She twirled around, taking my beautiful toys with her, and got down to some serious riding. In a matter of minutes we were spent again, and she was back in my arms. We were almost asleep when the phone rang.

I could hear Cassies' cheerful voice.

"Wake up, sleepyheads! I've already ordered breakfast, if you don't get her soon we're going to eat it all."

We groaned together. Showered together. We would have played again together but teenagers wait for no man.

I thought it would be awkward, but the boys just nodded, and the girls hugged and kissed us like we had been gone a week.

It was a somber group at the train station. I was going to be gone two weeks.

The girls hugged and cried. Maria hugged and cried. The boys even hugged me, which surprised Maria. They might have been a little misty eyed, but that was probably dust.

I told them all to call me, and then found out they didn't have cell phones, she just couldn't afford it. She was living on her salary and her ex husbands' social security. He had died in a car crash five years before. It paid the bills but allowed for very little extra.

The next day I got five phone calls, four thanking me for the cool Iphones, and one from an angry mother who told me if I ever did something like that again without talking to her it would be bad, but by the end of the discussion I was just apologetic enough for her to forgive me.

"I'm going to have to watch you every minute around the kids, aren't I? Be careful Joe, don't spoil them too much."

I told her I hoped I was around long enough to be trained, and she laughed and said that's what she had been doing since we met.

They pretty much called me every day. The boys were glad to have a man to talk about guy stuff with, and the girls were glad to have a father figure. They knew I was always going to tell their Mom what we talked about if she asked, unless it was in confidence, then I would tell her she had to get it from them.

I took two calls on a row one night while I was having dinner with the owner of a chain of book stores.

"How many kids do you have?"

I didn't even think when I answered.

"Five. Four teens, two of each, and a grown daughter with her own child."

"Wow, I bet you are happy to get some relief when you travel, huh?"

"No, I hate it. I wish I was home with them now."

He looked at me with wise old eyes.

"I'm glad for you my friend, glad you're happy, after your first wife and all."

He had read the book of course.

I hardly ever thought of Annie now. It was like it happened to someone else and I just read about it. The only time I gave her any thought at all was after talking to AJ. Her Mom had not spoken to or contacted her from the day she walked out.

I could understand walking out on a spouse or lover, but not how you could abandon a child?

I took Maria and the kids home with me when I got my two weeks off. I had forgotten how small my house was until I shoved it full of kids, but we managed.

The best part of coming home was introducing Maria to Jane and Anne. They took to each other immediately, adjourning to Janes' table and leaving me at the bar with Harry.

"She's nice, and quite a looker, Joe. I'm glad things are going well for you."

Harry was sincere, I could tell.

"Yeah, well, my life sure has changed, I'll give you that. Sometimes I feel like strangling Anne and Jane, If it hadn't been for that night, I wouldn't be wandering the globe like some jet set bum."



"You made them famous as well. We have total strangers come in here looking for them, as if talking to them would help them with their problems. Jane almost put up a sign saying "The Doctor Is In" like the old Peanuts cartoon. But she loves it, even if she grumbles sometimes."

It was odd, all my old friends seemed a bit awed by me. It was like I had done something so outside the norm I was another creature. I never got used to that.

My new family, as I now thought of them, could only stay a week, school was starting. They were all going to be in the same high school, I'm sure Maria was going to have her hands full.

.................................................

I spent the next week with AJ and her family. I told her about Maria and her kids, showing their pictures on my phone. She was glad I found someone new, and wanted to meet her. I promised to introduce her as soon as I got back from my European trip.

We hadn't mentioned her mother once, but as I got ready to go, she asked if since I was going to be in Spain, was I going to look her up. I had thought about it.

"No, honey I'm not. My presence will be pretty well publicized, if she wants to, she can find me. If she doesn't, I don't plan to open old wounds."

This saddened her, but she understood. I don't think she'll ever get over the abandonment, what child would? She mad me promise to send her lots of pictures and presents, and dropped me off.

.............................................

I hated the trip, most of it. I never got to see much of the countries I was in, I was hustled from interview to public appearance to TV set on a tight schedule. I was allowed two days off a week, usually.

Didn't think much of England, but loved Scotland and Ireland. When I was in Scotland I had a case of custom blended scotch send to Harry.

In Ireland, I found a jeweler and had seven silver Celtic crosses made and sent them to Jane, Anne, AJ, Bunny[for when she was older] Maria, Cassie, and Tina . Maria had told me her mothers' clan affiliation, and I sent them all kilts in the correct colors. I sent the boys two dirks with the clan crest inlaid on a silver medallion.

Once we established time lines, we would call each other as often as we could. It was terribly frustrating. I had a deep fear that my absence would make her affection wan, but she never wavered. By the sixth week, our standard good bye was "love you, see you soon".

I heard angels weep and birds sing the first time Maria said it. It just slipped out.

"Bye, honey, I love you."

I heard a startled gasp as she realized what she said.

I didn't hesitate.

"I love you too, honey, very much."

I swear I heard her crying as she hung up.

I was going crazy with lonliness, missing everyone terribly by the eleventh week. Cassie had called me in tears the week before. A boy, a senior, was coming on hard to her. It's a good thing I was seven time zones away. I comforted her as best I could. Then I called her brothers and told them to keep a closer eye on their sisters, and called Maria. She got hot, but I managed to stop her long enough to see if the kids could handle it. 

I got the story from Tina. The senior got some books out of his locker, and turned to find Tony, Mickey, and Tina waiting on him. They told him in no uncertain terms to leave Cassie alone.

He sneered, and being much bigger than the boys, asked which one was going to try to make him first.

Tina smiled sweetly.

"We all are asshole. It's not gonna be a fair fight, we'll all go after you, with sticks if we have to. Do you understand?"

He tried to bluff them down when Tina kicked him in the crotch with stilleto heeled boots. As he lay there writhing in pain, she reached down and grabbed his hair, forcing his eye on her.

"Do we understand each other, asshole?"

He nodded. Word got out, mess with one Garza and you deal with them all. Maria acted pissed, but I sure she was secretly proud.

It was two weeks before Christmas, when I got the news They had added nine more cities to my tour.

I was angry beyond words. I was supposed to get ten days with my new family, and now it wouldn't happen.

Management soon learned that a pissed writer is not a good thing. I threatened to just go home, they could sue me for breach of contract if they wanted. In fact, I told them I would never speak publicly about the book again.

I was their cash cow, propelling them off the fringe and into the mainstream, and they were anxious to placate me. We compromised, if I couldn't go home they would send the family to me.

They called Maria in and told her she was being given a special assignment that unfortunately coincided with school holidays. She was furious and threatened to quit until they told her the new duties. She was to fly to Italy with her family to calm me down, by any means necessary.

AJ was given the same information, and so I was standing at the gate in the Rome airport, waiting for my extended family to disembark.

They all flew first class, and when they came through the gate Maria was holding Bunny, so I knew they had met AJ. They had seen pictures of each other.

I was mobbed. Maria was in my arms crying while the girls danced about and AJ smiled. I was required to kiss all the girls, starting with Bunny and ending with Maria. The guys tried to be cool but ended up hugging me anyway. We were all very, very happy.

I had rented a villa, knowing we would need room. I had them for twelve days, and Mike, AJ's husband, was flying in on December 23.

They spent the first day resetting their biological clocks while Maria and I tried to make up for almost three months apart. They ended up relaxed and refreshed while we were tired and droopy.

We went to art museums, saw the sights, did most touristy things. We had a driver and a minivan at our disposal, which was good because none of wanted to try Italian traffic. I learned to close my eyes.

The girls wanted a shopping spree, it was Italy after all. The boys and I decided that as tempting as that sounded we would pass, opting to rent scooters and explore the countryside instead.

I gave AJ a credit card with no limit on it, and told her not to worry about what they spent, consider it an early Christmas present to them all. Pulling Cassie and Tina to the side, I made sure that they knew they could get anything they wanted and Maria couldn't object.

"And if your Mom tries to stop it, make sure she buys just as much, on pain of being sent home."

Cassie hugged me, whispered in my ear "yes Daddy" and fled giggling. She had no idea how affected I was by her words.

The boys and I had a ball. The Vespas were light, easy to handle, and surprising powerful. We went to a cheese factory, a winery, and a fruit farm specializing in homemade jams. It's a good thing the scooters had storage compartments. We had lunch at a farm that specialized in cured hams, and after having a sandwich we ordered three, two for Maria and one for AJ.

We got back just after the girls. The driver was mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like "crazy Americans" while he carried packages into the villa. We helped and all of us had our hands full. I wondered how much it was going to cost to ship all this home.

We all got hug and kisses while they showed us their treasures. The boys and I tried to look interested and almost succeeded. Finally they just sniffed "Men!" and put them away. Maria whispered she had a few things she wanted to model for me in private, which made the clock move with agonizing slowness. I don't care what it cost, designer lingerie is worth every dime.

She was a little pissed when I tore a gown in my haste, but I made it up by demanding she buy at least two more, in different colors.

We made love almost every night and a few times during the day when we were alone. It wasn't the crazy heat of twentysomethings, but the more refined love of an older generation. Quality trumps quantity every time. But the heat was definitely there.

Aj made sure she took the kids with her on several expeditions for Christmas shopping.

Maria and I went out to buy presents for the kids.

She had to slow me down, I would have emptied stores.

"Let's keep them grounded, Joe. It's gonna be hard enough now when the girls go back to school in designer clothes."

Christmas morning was a riot of wrapping paper and ribbon. Everyone hugged and oohed and aahed over their presents.

Mike and AJ were speechless when I gave them their final present.

First was a college fund for Bunny, $150,000.

Next was a certified check for $250,000, to be used as a down payment on a house. Neither felt secure in their jobs and hadn't bought anything yet.

Mike said he couldn't take the money. I had thought about it a lot and had my answer ready.

""Mike, if I died and left you the money, would you take it?"

He grudgingly admitted he would.

"Then what's the difference? I have it and want to give it to you. It really is just a percentage of what I've earned, I won't miss it in the least. If it makes you feel better, pretend I'm dead."

He finally smiled and said "Damn, I'm gonna miss you."

We went to Christmas mass at the Vatican, conducted by the Pope himself. Maria was profoundly affected, she was serious about her faith.

Mike, AJ, and all the kids left on the twenty seventh. The kids were going to spend a few days with them to give Maria and I some time alone.

It was glorious. For the first two days we barely dressed. I found her a bit inhibited sexually. I don't know if it was her Catholic upbringing or her former husband, he apparently had more hangups than a telemarketer. She refused to let me give her pleasure orally, something I couldn't understand.

I cured her, using something I had learned from my interviews. Women want to be loved and cherished, but sometimes they like to be taken. Not abused, but made aware of who they belong too.

In essence, every woman wants the 'caveman' once in a while, just to be reminded. 

I gave Maria just enough wine to make her giddy. then talked her into letting me tie her down to the old iron bed we slept in. I used silk scarves, tying her arms above her head, and binding her ankles loosely. She could move her legs but not close them.

I massaged oil into her skin, nibbling her body. I blindfolded he, telling her it would enhance the experience.

I had her moaning in arousal, while I nibbled my way slowly to my goal. She stiffened when I nibbled round her opening.

"Joe, no, you know I don't allow that."

I raised up and whispered in her ear.

"You do tonight."

Her protests turned to moans as I worked her body. She thrashed around as best she could in her restraints, but I stayed right with her.

When she reached her first climax she was screaming, by the second she was moaning, and by the third she was begging.

"Yes, honey, right there, Yes, Yes, YES!

The last yes was more of a scream.

I released her legs and pushed them upwards, thrusting as hard as I could. Her moans had worked me to a fever pitch, and I didn't last long.

She had one more climax before swooning back into the bed. I released her arms and cuddled her.

When she came back to her senses I asked her if I was going to have to restrain her the next time, and her answer surprised me.

"No, honey, but would you do it anyway?"

I love this woman!

.................................................

Just before she left we were wandering the shopping districts of Rome, and happened to end up on jewelers row. The displays were beautiful, but I'm a man, so I wasn't paying attention.

Maria had stopped, and was staring at a display that prominently displayed engagement rings and wedding bands. She had a longing, lost look on her face. I had been thinking about our future for a while, and without hesitation I dropped to my knees right there on the street.

I took her hand.

"Yolanda Maria Garza, I love you with all my heart and soul. Would you marry me?"

There may have been a language barrier, but everybody on the street knew what was going on.

She surprised me. She didn't burst into tears, she didn't display any outward emotion, just bent and gave me a kiss that went straight to my soul.

"It is my hearts' fondest desire to marry you, Joesph Allen Williams, on one condition. We wait a year before marrying. We fell in love quick, I want to stay in love slowly. Can you accept that?"

Indeed I could.

We went inside, and she picked the set she wanted out. It wasn't the most expensive, but it was by no means cheap. She wore it out of the shop, and I hope it never comes off for the rest of her life.

..................................................

As he told of his romance, leaving out the sex parts of course, Barbara had tears in her eyes.

That's a beautiful story, Joe. I hope you live happily ever after."

"So do I, Barbara, so do I.'

Tell me Joe, do you think what you learned from writing your book will help you understand her better?"

"Absolutely, but not from the reasons you assume."

He looked out over the audience.

"Writing the book was probably the stupidest idea I ever had. It was born out of pain, sired by idiocy, and delivered by alcohol, remember, I was pretty buzzed when I came up with it.

Women aren't machines, they're complex beings of flesh, blood, and emotions. There is no one size fits all way to understand them.




500 Annies Ch. 04



Guys, you'll understand this analogy best.

Suppose I decided to write the most definitive auto repair manual in the world. It should be easy, right? After all, they all need fuel, oil, batteries, spark plugs, etc. But what will work on a four cylinder Ford engine won't meet the needs of a twelve cylinder Jaguar, nowhere close.

Women are like that, they're like snowflakes, no one is exactly like another.

But one thing I can say for sure, I can tell you what each and every woman in the audience is thinking right this minute."

He paused for dramatic effect.

"They're thinking "this guy is an idiot, there is no way he can know what's going through my mind'."

There was appreciative laughter.

"And they're right, there is no way me or anyone else can predict their responses at any given time to any situation. If we know them well, we may have a small inkling, but even that isn't certain.

But I can tell you this, communication is paramount. There is a song from the eighties, one of my favorites, by Marshall Crenshaw. Someday, Someway is in my opinion the definitive relationship song. In one part he sings "If you can't tell me what is wrong, all I can do is wonder why'.

That's it in a nutshell. Men are oblivious to a lot, and the classic line 'if you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you' is possible the most fatal mistake a woman can make.

WE DON'T KNOW what is wrong, if we did we would try to fix it. We're not as in touch with our emotions as you are. Give us the benefit of the doubt, tell us.

So, no, no one can understand women in the plural. But if we're lucky and really work at it, maybe we can understand just a little bit about the ones we love.

I can tell one more thing I learned. You have to listen closely to what's not being said. Sometimes what they don't talk about is the most important thing of all.

Maybe if I had listened a little closer Annie wouldn't have left. Maybe if she talked to me a little more things would have been different.

I guess the saddest thing to me is I had no idea she was unhappy, and she never gave me a chance to fix whatever was broken.

But life moves on. Remember at the first of the interview when I talked about the law of unintended consequences? I'm living proof of that.

If Annie had stayed, I would still be a happy little engineer, writing my manuals and looking forward to retirement.

But she left, seeking adventure and something different.

So instead of my quiet little life, thanks to the book I've been in the international spotlight, traveled the world, hobnobbed with the rich and famous, grown wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, and got a large family and a woman I love more than the air I breathe.

Sometimes I wake at night and wonder about Annie, and then my beautiful wife murmurs in her sleep, and snuggles closer. My life is as perfect as it can be. I thank God every day.

All I can tell you definitely is guys, you better listen, and girls, don't be shy about what you want. Remember we're wired differently, make adjustments and your life will be better all round.

Good night, and God bless you all."

..............................................

"One last thing before we say goodnight, Joe. Describe the book cover for those who haven't seen it."



"The cover was designed by my friend Jane. I don't know where she got the idea, but it was perfect. It's a collage, pictures of a lot of the women I interviewed, as many as would give us permission. We managed to get two hundred and forty five. The two largest in the front center are Jane and Annie, the two who inspired this whole mess."

"The largest picture on the back, the one in the center, is the original Annie. I don't really know, I just felt I should recognize her, after all, without her this would never have happened."  

The applause was thunderous. Babs noticed a lot of the audience had serious looks on their faces, reflecting no doubt on the nights' subject.

Joe was gracious, shaking hands and chatting with small groups. It seemed everyone wanted to acknowledge him, and the impression he had made on their lives.

He may think of himself as an 'Average Joe', she thought, but he was one of the most impressive men she had ever met, certainly the most impressive she had ever interviewed.

...............................................

"Well listeners, that's it. The final segment. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did."

"What's next for Joe Williams? Well, his new book, 'Average Joes', will be in book stores and on line in six months. As he explained it to me, It's 500 Annies in reverse. Five hundred men were interviewed at random on love and relationships, and Joe said there were as many surprises in it as there were in 500 Annies. I can't wait to read it, and hopefully have him on the show to talk about it."

"Goodnight, audience. I hope you remember his advice in days ahead, I know I will."

"This is Barbara Barnes, Book Report on WORD, 86.7 on your dial. Good night."

She lay her headphones down and left the booth.

Mike was waiting for her.

"Damn, Babs, you were right, that was great stuff. I wish I had----"

That was all he got out before she grabbed him and kissed him, thoroughly. When they came up for air, she handed him a copy of the book.

"Read this tonight. We'll talk tomorrow. 'Night, babe."

He stood in shock, watching her retreating back before looking at the book.

Damn!"

................................................

Well, there it is. I'm thinking about an epilogue where he talks about his new book, his new marriage, and a final confrontation with Annie, but I probably won't get to is anytime soon.

Thanks for reading, and remember all comments are appreciated. Until next time, QHML1.