193 comments/ 221923 views/ 83 favorites What She Didn't Tell me By: Slirpuff I guess I should have thought with my brain instead of my heart. However, feelings and emotions can persuade even the strongest man to do the dumbest things and I guess that was true in my case. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but there was no way I was going back to the way it was before; not now, not ever. If it wasn't for my two kids, it would be a no brainer, but I couldn't live my life totally for them either. I was screwed no matter what I finally decided. The way I figured it, I'd wasted the last seven years of my life. I had two kids I loved to death but that was about all. I had a wife, a big house and a ton of friends who if push came to shove would bail on me in a heartbeat. The only ones I could really count on were my married sister Carol and her husband Bill. You see, I'd married Ann seven years ago and now wished I'd hadn't. It's not like I didn't loved her, hell I worshiped the ground she walked on, it's just that now I have reason to believe that she didn't love me back then, and why she said yes when I asked her to marry me, I hadn't a clue. Ann had been going with Ronnie for the better part of three years or most of the way through their second year of college. When they broke up it was a shock to everyone because that was one couple that had marriage written all over them. Like most guys, I had lusted after Ann forever and after waiting a respectable amount of time I asked her out and much to my surprise she said yes. We went out and dated on and off for the better part of eight months, but not exclusively. Ann said that she didn't want to get into another serious relationship after just getting out of a long term one. So if I wanted to date her, it was by her rules. There was a lot of kissing and she let me get to second base a few times but that was about it and per her, that's all it was ever going to be. I figured I'd let it slide for a while because I really did like her or I wouldn't have put up with all her conditions for so long. Ann and I were scheduled to go out on Saturday so Friday I went out with a few of my buddies. We grabbed dinner and hit a few clubs as they were looking to score with any woman, breathing or not, as I said they weren't too picky. "Isn't that Ann?" Kenny asked me looking at a couple on the dance floor. "I'm not sure, it's too damn dark in here for me to be positive," I told him. "Well if it is, it looks like he's up to second base and heading for third," as we now all watched the two of them as the guy was all over her. I moved up to the edge of the dance floor and waited for them to get close enough so I could see if it was indeed Ann. When they made a pass close to me, I confirmed it was Ann. When they danced over to a dark corner and started at it hot and heavy I no longer wanted to watch. What's the phrase, 'it looks like she is in to him and in a big way,' came to mind as I told my buddies I was out of here. "Steve, don't be like that, hell there are a ton of other women here tonight. Throw this one back, it looks like she's been hooked too many times anyway," they told me. I probably should have listened to them, but like I say, I was smitten with Ann. But there was no way I wanted to go out with her Saturday night after what I'd just seen. My phone kept ringing Saturday night as I ignored it and instead watched the Lakers cream the Charlotte Bobcats. It wasn't even close by the final buzzer. I had one more Corona and headed for bed just before eleven o'clock. I didn't sleep worth a damn Saturday night as I could see Ann and that guy whenever I tried to close my eyes. Sunday I was using iTunes to down load songs to my library when I heard someone knocking on my apartment door. "Just a minute," I yelled as I grabbed a shirt and opened the door. There stood Ann. "What the hell happened to you last night? I tried to call you a dozen times but you never answered. You best have a good explanation on why you stood me up last night. I thought for a second and was going to come back with some cute line but thought better of it. "I decided I didn't want to go out with you last night so I watched the Lakers game instead." The look she gave me was one of total disbelief or her brain wasn't processing what I'd just told her. "What the hell do you mean you just decided not to go out with me?" Ann said, as she got even angrier. "Ann look, you've got a full dance card and I'm tired of all the games and your rules. Ann, you want to go out, have a lot of fun without any commitments and there's nothing wrong with that but that's not where I'm at right now. So in other words, you can date whomever you want, just not me anymore." "Steve, I thought you liked me? Don't we have fun when we go out?" "Ann, you have fun with everyone when you go out as I saw Friday night. Hell, even if we ever did get serious, I wouldn't be sure I wasn't getting someone else's sloppy seconds." "I didn't have sex with him Friday night," she yelled back at me. "You couldn't prove it by me. You forget I saw you on the dance floor and then the two of you moved into the corner to finish what you'd started. So if you'll excuse me, I'm downloading something and I know you must have plans for later," I said trying my best to wind this up without getting into an argument or being rude. "Fuck you Steve, and don't bother calling me any more," was her reply. "Ann, I think that's what I just told you," I said before closing the door. "That went well I think," I said to myself heading back to my computer. After that, I dated on and off for about eleven months with basically no one special. Most of them were the 'girl for now' because they were either too immature or we just didn't click. I was having a beer after work, waiting on a few friends, when I heard a familiar voice behind me. "Hey shit head, what have you been up to?" Ann said smiling. "Not much Ann, how about yourself?" "You know, taking it day by day. Mind if I sit for a moment?" "Sure, grab a chair," I said standing up pulling out one for her. "Thought you'd still be mad at me," she said motioning for a waitress. "If my memory serves me right, you were the one who was angry as you so eloquently told me to fuck off," I said with a smirk. "Yeah, yeah, I guess I was a little steamed that morning but you can't blame me can you? If you would have at least called I wouldn't have waited around all night, you would have been pissed to." "I guess you've got a point," I told her as I gave the waitress a ten spot for her drink. "You didn't have to do that, I would have paid for my own drink." "Let's just say it was a reconciliatory gesture on my part," I told her clicking my beer bottle to her glass. "To friends." "To good friends," she corrected me. My friends came but left after about ten minutes, something about being the odd persons out. Her girl friends dropped their stuff at our table but ended up with a couple of guys' three tables over. "You hungry?" I asked. "Starved, you want to grab a bite?" "Ann, lets get the hell out of this meat market and I know just the place." El Ranchero was a small family owned Mexican Restaurant I found a few months ago. I went there almost once a week because they had the best Tex Mex food in town with prices that wouldn't break the bank. A Corona for me, a Margareta for her and the sampler platter for the both of us; we were set for the night. "Dating anyone?" Ann asked finishing off her drink. "A few, no one special though. How about you?" "About the same," she replied. "You want to try again?" "Not really. I've never been a big one for sharing girlfriends or anything else for that matter. Eventually we'd end up the same way again, so why start?" "How about if we try being exclusive and see how it goes?" Ann said with those wet puppy brown eyes. "I don't understand why, Ann? "You've always had a ton of guys hitting on you everywhere you go. Why would you want to tie yourself down with just one guy when you could go out with a different one every night?" "You said it Steve, guys. You're right, I can get a ton of guys, but I'm looking for someone special. Steve, we had fun before. I didn't have to put on a show for you or try to be anyone but myself around you. You took me at my best but when I showed you my worst, you kind of let me walk away. How about if we take it week by week and see how it goes? If it doesn't work, well then at least we can stop and still be friends; how about it?" I leaned over and gave her a kiss to seal our agreement and she even kissed me back. What did I have to lose? Things were better than great for the first year. My job was going well, she'd gotten a promotion and we started even talking about the 'M' word for the first time, that's when things took a dump. Ronnie came back to town. Ann had never mentioned why she and Ronnie broke up and I never asked. I figured if she wanted me to know she'd tell me. We were having drinks at a dance club Thursday night when out of the blue shit head walked up to our table. I guess he really wasn't a shit head and from what I understood, he really was a nice guy but Ann was mine now. "Well I'll be damned. Ann, how are you doing?" he said coming over giving her a big hug. "Ronnie, when did you get back into town? You're still looking as fit as ever," she told him. "Ann, you don't look so bad yourself. What have you been up to?" he asked avoiding me. "Same old, same old," she said with a laugh. "Ronnie this is by boyfriend Steve. Steve, this is Ronnie a guy I used to date years ago," she said still looking at him. "Nice to meet you," I said extending out my hand. "You better be treating my girl good, she a very special lady," he said looking at Ann. "Don't you worry, I always treat MY girl like she's someone special." He never left. He never fucking left our table all night. They talked on and on all night reminiscing about this person or that until they started in on each other. For me that only lasted for about five minutes before I finally spoke up. "If you guys don't mind I'm going to call it a night. I've got a meeting first thing in the morning and I need some sleep. Ann, I'll call you tomorrow," I said kissing her on the cheek and walking out. I was pissed and she saw it in my eyes as I walked out. She started to say something but stopped. It's not good to drive when you're pissed. You drive way too aggressive and much too fast. I felt like the odd man out with my own girl. And what pissed me off even more was that fact that Ann didn't call me when she got home that night, probably because she knew I was angry. I never called her Friday and Saturday I got a text message from Ann asking if I was done sulking. I just texted back, "Did you fuck him Thursday night?" I figured that would bring it to a head. When Ann called, I felt the heat right through the phone. When she started yelling, screaming and swearing at me, I hung up on her. I hung up on her once more before she finally calmed down, a little anyway. "I'm on my way over, I'll be there in ten minutes; don't you dare leave," she said hanging up on me. I was standing by the open door waiting for her as she ran up the stairs towards my apartment. "We need to talk," she said running past me into my apartment. "Steve, that text was totally uncalled for and you know it," she said starting in on me. "We go way back and I guess I kind of ignored you a little but we just got carried away after not seeing one another for a couple of years." "A little? Ann, from the moment Ronnie walked up you forgot I was even there for Christ's sakes. I thought I was looking at a love struck teenager the way you hung on his every word." "Steve, I'm with you now and I'm happy being with you. You don't need to worry about someone from my past." "Ann, just why did you break up with Ronnie after three years?" "Steve, that is none of your business. That's between Ronnie and me and doesn't concern you. However, what concerns me is your attitude. I need you to trust me no matter what; do you understand what I'm saying? I can just imagine what your warped mind was imagining Thursday and Friday night. And just to put your mind at ease, no, I didn't sleep with him Thursday night. I gave him a blow job Thursday night and slept with him Friday night but no I didn't sleep with him Thursday night," she said trying to look serious with her arms crossed in front of her. "Funny, very funny," I said grabbing her. "I hope you at least wore a condom so we don't have any of his rug rats running around our place." It was supposed to be a damn joke but for some reason Ann didn't take it that way and went nuts on me again yelling and screaming that she didn't sleep with him and why in the hell didn't I believe her. "Ann, it was a frigging joke. Just like the one you told me when you got here. Lighten up will you. I believe you when you said you didn't sleep with him." After that she calmed down but she got ashen in color like all the blood had been drained from her body. I grabbed her, held her and kissed the side of her face telling her that I trusted her and did indeed love her. Nothing I said after that seemed to work. I took her to bed and spent at least two hours holding her in my arms until she finally fell asleep. Well, she did anyway as I stared at the walls and ceiling. Sunday morning, somewhere around eight o'clock, I lost all feeling in my right arm and shoulder. I pried my arm out from under Ann as I felt a million pins start to stick me as the blood rushed back into my arm. I needed coffee and food and I needed it now. About nine thirty Ann woke up and made her way into my kitchen. I had long since finished breakfast and was sipping on my second cup, biding my time until she woke up. "Morning, any coffee left?" I poured a cup and passed it over to her. I wasn't sure which Ann I had in my apartment this morning. I only hoped it wasn't the crazy bitch from last night. "Sorry about yesterday. I guess I kind of lost it," she said sipping her coffee trying her best not to make eye contact. "One things for sure, after we move in together I make the coffee, this stuff tastes like warm battery acid," she said going over to the sink and pouring it out and smiling at me for the first time in two days. Now show me what you've got for a coffee maker. She made another pot as I did up some eggs and toast for her. I told her I was sorry but I'd eaten the last of the sausage to which she frowned. She was right, her coffee was much better than mine especially with a little hazelnut creamer in it. "Ronnie and I had a real bad breakup. It took us a long time to heal but he's very special to me, that's all you really need to know. I no longer have those kind of feelings for him, but I do have them for you," she said now looking directly at me. I'm yours for as long as you want me and I don't plan on going anywhere. So, if we're done with breakfast, I think I owe you a little make-up sex or a lot if you're up to it." I took the larger amount of the two. We did end up moving in together but Ronnie became a permanent fixture in our lives. The only good thing was that Ann and my sister Carol hit it off and became inseparable after a few months. "Steve is like a big puppy. He may stumble around and chew up a few of your favorite things, but you'll never find a more loyal and caring person," Carol told Ann one night. "Now, if we could just break him of that slobbering, he would be a real catch," she said as they both laughed looking at me. Along with my sister and brother, we hung with a group of about eight couples, mostly her friends. I felt a lot better and more at ease when Ronnie started bringing his new girlfriend to the get togethers. We were having a ton of fun and I was about as close to Ann as two single people could be. Two months later, over dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, I dropped down on one knee and proposed. I told her I loved her and would be honored if she'd become my wife. She said, "yes," pulling me up and kissing me. Everyone who had been watching us now applauded and the owners brought us over a cake to celebrate which we shared it with all the other patrons. Ann wanted a small wedding with just immediate family and friends. When we added it all up, we came to only thirty-five people and a few of the out of town people probably wouldn't even show. She asked Carol to be her maid- of-honor and I asked my brother to be my best man. Her parents and mine split the costs down the center and I paid for the flowers. I also wanted to pay for Ann's dress but her parents wouldn't hear of it. We picked a small hall, a DJ and with a caterer it was a done deal. I was about as happy as a person could be as I waited for her to walk down the aisle. When she said 'I do,' I almost cried. About eleven o'clock we took off for an all-inclusive resort and spent the week like most newlyweds. Frolicking in the sun, eating and drinking too much and making love all night long, it was like heaven on earth. It couldn't get any better than this, that is, until she said she was pregnant three months later. Ann glowed is the only way I can put it. If I was happy, she was ecstatic. She would look at her belly for hours as she rubbed it with oil and when the baby started kicking tears of joy were something I had to get use to. When Carla was born I didn't think she could get anymore consumed with the baby. She hovered over the baby twenty-four hours a day and when I said something once about not taking care of me to, she just gave me that motherly look and told me it was her job to take care of all of us, and she did. The baby slept in our bed for the first month, until I finally convinced her to let the baby stay in the crib at least at night. "Babes, you and I both need a full nights sleep and you can't do that listening to Carla's every breath. You're a great mother but you need to relax a bit to." How she convinced me to have another one right away I'll never know, but that's what happened. Andy was born eighteen months after Carla and now we had it all. When we moved to a larger home I felt like I'd achieved the great American dream. A wife, two kids, a home in the suburbs and a large mortgage to boot, I had it all. It seemed that most of the get togethers were now at our house because Ann refused to leave the kids with a sitter. She was ok with either her or my mom watching the kids, but that was it. So, my happy life went on for the next couple of years. Our sex life was good, but not great. Ann made sure I got just enough so I wouldn't bitch, but not much more. If I complained she made me feel like shit by asking me if I wanted her to neglect our kids for my sexual satisfaction. She sure knew how to push my buttons. As I said, life went on, get togethers and all. When Ronnie stopped showing up with a date I guess I should have been concerned but hell, he'd now been around forever and I was more than ok with it. When he started showing up at other times and alone I was still dumb and naïve. Hell, Ann married me not him and we were a family. However, the more Ronnie came over, the less sex I got and finally got it through my thick skull something wasn't quite right. The looks she now gave him were longer and more intense. At our get togethers I always seemed to be the busy one, as Ann became the social butterfly mingling with her friends, but not too far away from Ronnie. When Ann talked about planning another get together I stopped her cold. "Ann, let's slow this down for a while. I need to have a little more alone time with my wife and the weekends are my only opportunity anymore. I come home at night and you're so tied up with kids I never have a chance to get close to you. Then when we go to bed you're exhausted and there is no us time anymore. What She Didn't Tell me "Steve, I think you're over reacting. I'm with you every night and every weekend. If you want to pass on the parties, no problem, I just don't want you to think I'm intentionally avoiding you." That's the way we left it and for the next two weeks life was pretty spectacular. We did things as a family and our alone time was more than satisfactory. Life was good again and it lasted for all of six months then something unexpected happened; Ann got sick. She got pneumonia and couldn't care for the kids. Both her and my mom pitched in during the day and I carried the weight at night. Luckily they weren't babies anymore or I would have gone nuts. I found that there was a lot more to do at home than I'd thought as I struggled to get it all done before bed. I figured I'd have to sleep in the guest room for about a week, as it wouldn't have been smart for both of us to be sick at the same time. That's when I found out something I never wanted to know. I was concerned about Ann's shallow and raspy breathing at night so after a couple of days I took one of our old baby monitors and put it in her room and the other in mine. The first night all I did was listen to her sleep making sure she didn't stop breathing during the night. The second night I listened but was so tired I fell asleep sometime after ten thirty but was up twice more when I heard her cough. The third night I told Ann I was going to bed early because I need a good nights sleep and she was finally starting to feel a bit better. I was almost asleep when I heard her cell phone softly ring through the baby monitor. I was trying my hardest to fall back asleep when I heard my name mentioned; by then I was no longer tired. "You know how I feel about you, it's never changed but I'm married," I heard Ann say. "Look, we've gone over this a million times before, you didn't want kids and I did. I did what you wanted last time and have regretted that day ever since. Don't say that about Steve, he's a fine husband and a good father. I told you before, what happened last time was a mistake and will never happen again. I let it go too far and I'm just glad I stopped it when I did," she said softly as I strained to now hear. "No matter how I feel about you, I'm married to Steve. He's my husband, and nothings going to change that," I heard her tell Ronnie as I wished I could hear both sides of this conversation. "All right, it's not the hot burning love we had and he's not a big as you, but we have a bond that you and I will never have; our two kids. Ronnie, I've got to go, we can't keep doing this," she said as she finally got off the phone after a few more minutes more. Well, no sleep again for me tonight, but for an entirely different reason this time. I left for work early the next morning while everyone was still asleep. Sleep was one thing I needed but I knew if I closed my eyes, I'd see Ann and Ronnie together and that I didn't want to even imagine. I called Carol and told her I was stopping over after work to talk to her and Bob. I e-mail Ann and told her I was going to be late and not to wait dinner on me. The day dragged as I did next to nothing. By four thirty I was out the door and heading across town to my sister's house. I was all ready waiting in the driveway when Carol pulled up. "Hey big brother give me a hand, I picked up pizza for tonight," she said opening up the back seat. "I got one pepperoni and one sausage, that should cover all of us." We went through the garage into the kitchen as I laid both boxes on the counter while she got the plates. "You want a beer, soda or a glass of wine?" "Let me start with a beer and go from there." "You want to talk while we eat?" she asked as Bob came walking in the door. "Real nice, you guys started without me," Bob said as he grabbed himself a beer and two pieces of pizza. All right what's the big problem you couldn't talk about over the phone?" I told the both of them about Ann's conversation with Ronnie last night as they stopped eating and just listened. "Steve, I know Ann loves you, she told me so." "Maybe like you'd love a dog or cat," was my reply. "From what you told me, she's hasn't cheated on you, if that's any consideration," Carol said not really knowing just what to say. "I feel used. It looks like the reason Ronnie and Ann broke up was that she got pregnant and had an abortion. That was the thing she regretted and broke the two of them up. I know how much Ann wanted kids, but I never thought she'd use me to get them. I feel like a fucking sperm donor not the husband I thought I was." "Steve, I think you're wrong. I think I know Ann well enough to know she wouldn't marry you just to have kids. Hell, Ronnie's been back for years and if she hasn't jumped his bones in all this time, what makes you think she will now?" "She got what she wanted from me, Carla and Andy. I think she couldn't care less about me anymore. I'm the good husband and provider," I told the two of them. I pay the bills, I take care of the kids when she's tired, I keep the house in repair and in turn, she throws me a bone once in a while; all the time lusting over Ronnie." The two of them wouldn't agree or disagree at this point. "Steve, you need to sit down with her and talk through this. Remember you only heard one side of the conversation. Maybe she was just telling Ronnie what she wanted him to hear, you know to get him off her back for a while." "Or maybe she feels bad about marrying me under false pretenses," I added. "Regardless, this is the conversation you should be having with her, not us. We both love you and Ann also at this point, but you need to find out the truth no matter how much it may hurt; I know I'd want to know." After two beers and two pieces of pizza I told them goodnight and headed for home. I didn't have a clue how I was going to start this conversation with Ann, but I had to find a way that wouldn't set her off. When I walked in, she was on the phone with someone and just motioned me hi. I went upstairs and changed preparing myself for a long night. It was just after eight and the kids had just been laid down for the night. I went in their room, kissed them goodnight and went looking for Ann. I found her in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. "You get something to eat? If not, we've got leftovers from dinner," she said wiping her hands on a dishrag. "Ann, we need to talk," is how I started the conversation. "Sure Steve, let's go in the living room where we can be comfortable." Ann sat on the couch and I chose the chair across from her. I threw her the baby monitor to her. She looked at it and then set it down on her lap." "What's this?" "What do you think it is Ann?" "Steve, it's one of our old baby monitors." "That's right Ann. And it's been in your room for the last week while you've been sick. I wanted to make sure you were sleeping ok and still breathing." "Well Steve, will wonders never cease. How thoughtful of you to do that for me." Ann said smiling. "You know what else it picks up, telephone conversations. It's sensitive enough to hear people talking on cell phones Ann," I said leaning forward. "Even when they're trying to be very quiet and whispering." That statement brought more than a look of surprise to Ann's face. "Even after all these years it seems as though the Ann and Ronnie drama is still playing itself out,' I started. "But what do I know, I'm just the stupid husband who got duped by the two of you," I said now with my anger showing. "Steve, it's not what you think," is all I let her get out of her mouth. "Ann, just what am I thinking about? How you've had the hots for Ronnie all these years. That he knocked you up and you had an abortion so he wouldn't leave you. And when he told you he never wanted kids, you went looking for a patsy, a sucker, a sperm donor so you could get what Ronnie wouldn't give you. Why did you pick on me Ann? Was I that naïve and stupid that you could just bat your big brown eyes and make me do everything you wanted? Yeah, I guess I was that stupid. I must have been because I bought your whole story hook line and sinker. You really are good you know that, you should think about a stage career." "Steve, I do love you." "Like you would a fucking pet. But I guess if you neutered me, you wouldn't have gotten what you wanted from me. Well I hope I lived up to your expectations and you didn't get too sick having sex with me. But don't worry; I won't be bothering you for that any longer. Now that Ronnie is around you can get all the hot sex you want," I said now losing it. Ann was crying and kept saying no, no, no but I was more than done. "Fuck you, fuck Ronnie and all of your friends. The only thing I will guarantee you is that I will not go quietly. They're my kids to and I'm going to fight you tooth and nail for them. You and I are done, but I won't let you make my two kids pawns in your fucking game. You make me sick, what the hell did I ever see in you anyway," I finally said walking out of the living room leaving a sobbing Ann. I went upstairs and was going to pack a bag but told myself this was my house to. "If she wants to leave so be, but I'm not going anywhere," I told myself as I shut and locked the bedroom door. About an hour later I heard a knock on my door but ignored it by putting another pillow over my ears. For the second morning in a row, I was out of the house before anyone stirred. About nine thirty I got out the phone book and started looking through the yellow pages for a divorce attorney. I didn't have a whole hell of a lot of money and knew I'd probably get screwed and tattooed, but I at least needed to try. I found one that wasn't too expensive and he agreed to see me at three o'clock that afternoon, as long as I brought a check for the five hundred dollar retainer. They really are bastards. "Well Mr. Moore, what can I do for you this afternoon?" For the next hour and a half I told him everything I knew and had heard. He made a few notes and after I'd spilled my guts he took over. "Steve, you have no tangible proof of anything you just told me. Had you recorded her conversation we could have tried to make a case that she duped you into marrying her for the sole purpose of giving her children. However, she can claim that the conversation never took place and you have nothing to dispute that. It would be your word against hers. We can get the medical records of her abortion but that proves nothing other than it happened. I don't want to say you don't have a case, but in seventy-five percent of these cases, the wife gets custody of the minor children, the house and the husband gets stuck paying for everything while she shacks up with her lover. It may not be fair, but that's what usually happens," he told me. "Prepare the papers anyway, at least if I fight and lose, I'll know I gave it my best shot," I told him as I walked out. I was fucked and I knew it. I stopped off at Tony's after leaving the lawyers office. I needed some liquid bravery before going back to what used to be my happy home. Two Corona's, a burger and I was on my way. I sat in my car on the driveway for the better part of twenty minutes before going in. Ann was sitting at the kitchen table with the kids as I went over and kissed each of them before heading upstairs. I changed and was making a few notes of things I had to do in the next few days when Ann walked in. "Steve, we need to talk. You're wrong about what you said last night," she started to say. "Ann, just answer me one question, do you still have feelings for Ronnie?" "Yes, I still have feelings for him but I don't know what or how much. Steve, he was my first love, we were supposed to get married. We went through a lot together but I married you not him." "I've all ready heard your song and dance about that. He didn't want kids and you did. What, am I suppose to be thankful that you chose me to give you children? What made me such good breeding stock anyway? But it really doesn't matter anymore, you got what you wanted and I guess I did get fucked in the process." I wanted to slap her, shake her and take my kids and run. Thankfully I did none of those things and didn't lose total control. "So I wasn't head over heels in love with you when we first got married. I loved you for who you were and the way you loved me. Steve, that never changed over the years. I do love you Steven Moore. I love you, our children and our life together. I just can't help the fact that I also have feeling for Ronnie. I'm sorry is all I can say." "Ann, I'm just sorry I ever married you. Now if you don't mine, I'd just like you to leave me alone." With that Ann walked out crying. I almost felt sorry for her and probably would have if I could get over the hate I felt for her right now but it was still too new and too close to the surface. So, we existed in the same house together but apart. It didn't take too long for it to get back to both her and my family. My dad wanted to know what was going on, and why in the hell I was going ahead with paperwork instead of trying marriage counseling. "Dad, if she doesn't love me, what's the point?" Her parents however took the proactive approach and got her a lawyer, figures. Within two weeks my paperwork was done and I picked it up Thursday night on my way home from work. He went over the details of it and asked if Ann had gotten a lawyer yet? "I guess she has, I don't know who it is, but probably will before the nights out." I skipped the bar tonight. I wanted to make sure I had my wits about me in case it got ugly. I walked through the door and saw not only Ann, but also her parents, and they didn't look happy. "Evening Connie, Dave, what brings you around?" I asked knowing the answer. "Steve, if you have Ann served, we'll have no choice but to counter. I need to look out for my daughter and her children and will do what's necessary to protect them," he said in a calm tone. "I know Ann doesn't want this but she says you won't talk to her anymore. How can you solve your problems without talking to one another?" "Dave, did you know Ann got pregnant by Ronnie? That she still loves him? And you think this is acceptable behavior for a wife? What would you do if Connie came home one night and told you she loved someone else? Would you accept it? Maybe you can, but I can't. I didn't fuckup this marriage, your daughter did." With that I handed Ann the papers. "Go over it with whomever you want. I don't want to be a hard ass about this, but don't even think I'll be pushed around by you or anyone else." I shook my head and went up to my room. There was a lot of crying and shouting downstairs for the next couple of hours. I heard the front door slam hard once, open and close again then silence for the rest of the night. I'd asked for joint custody, my lawyer's suggestion, and listed the cause as irreconcilable differences. I proposed that we split our time in the house, with the children, to every two weeks and I would pay for the house and all the other expenses. However, I flatly refused to pay any spousal support; I didn't think she deserved any at this point. I put in there that if she refused, I would go for full custody, name Ronnie and claim adultery as the reason for the divorce. All right, they called my bluff, so I went forward with my threat. I knew upfront that I was going to lose but I decided to go for broke anyway. I changed the locks on the house and had a court order issued immediately against Ann and Ronnie. It stated that Ann could visit her children at the house only and that Ronnie was to stay five hundred feet away from the house and me. I told the court that I believed that Ann was going to try and keep my children from me and that I felt threatened by her lover Ronnie. I took a week of vacation and spent all that time bonding with my kids and splitting our lives in two. Ann's father was pissed but she was livid. Our life was now all out there for the world to see when I filed my two motions with the court. "Steve, how could you do that to me, to us? I've never committed adultery with Ronnie or anyone else," Ann said over the phone after hearing from her attorney what I'd done. "Ann loving someone other than your husband is cheating in my book. Too bad you couldn't let him go." "Steve, please stop this. I told you I loved you what more do you want from me?" "Ann, if you have to ask, you still don't get it. You were the one that forced my hand. I proposed a fifty-fifty split but you wanted it all. So we will both go down, guns blazing until there's nothing left of what we once had; I hope you're satisfied." She hung up on me. Our lawyers went back and forth a dozen times and it was costing me a fortune. I cashed in my 401K and depleted my savings. Ann didn't have squat so her parents ended up footing the bill. We got nowhere and the lawyers were getting rich off us. I stopped paying the house payment and got ugly notices from the bank telling me to either catch up the two late months or they'd put us into foreclosure. I didn't care any longer; it was just four walls and a place to hang my hat. When our case came before the judge, for a second time, he just shook his head. "Two months ago I sent both parties back to try and work out their differences and today you're further apart then you were back then. Have either of you two spoken face to face since then?" he said looking at both of us. "I thought not. Ann, has Steve withheld visitation from you at any time?" "No, Your Honor." She replied. "Ann, have you seen, talked to or had any contact with a Mr. Ronald Kirkham, since these proceedings started?" "No, Your Honor," she said again. "Ann, do you plan on seeing, dating or having any contact with said party? And remember you're under oath. "No your honor." "Do you love your husband Steven Moore?" Ann looked over at me and answered yes. "Well, what in the heck are we doing here? You two have wasted five months of the court's time and countless dollars and for what? Here is how we are going to proceed. All legal proceedings are officially halted as of this moment. That means no more legal representation going forward. Ann, you will move back into your residence, with your children who need their mother. How the two of you co-habitat is none of my concern at this point. However, you are being mandated to court ordered counseling for the next six months. The court will require monthly updates and if either party does not comply they will be held in contempt and brought before my bench. And I can guarantee neither of you will like what I will do at that point. If after six months you still want to divorce than the court will grant a fifty-fifty split according to the laws of this state. Do you both understand my ruling?" I look over at Ann and she me as we both said that we understood. "There have been mistakes made on both sides and with no communication between the two of you, the people who have suffered the most are your two children. They deserve loving and caring parents not what the two of you have become. As I said, I will see you in six months and will rule on the case at that time." "Shit, I never saw that coming," I told myself expecting the judge to rule in my favor today. "The court will give you a list of probably three counselors to pick from. You two will have to agree on one within the next week and set up appointments. Do not and I mean it, do not piss off this judge. He will throw your ass in jail if you cross him after he's ruled. Do what he's ordered and call me in six months and tell me how you want to proceed. By the way, you'll get my final bill next week," my attorney said closing up his briefcase. As I said, lawyers really are bastards. What She Didn't Tell me I picked up a few things on my way home from court and saw that Ann had beat me home. My mom was still there and asked how it went in court today. I told her I'd talk to her later. "Ann is upstairs with the kids. They got home from school and Ann took them up to their rooms. I made a hot dish and it's still in the oven. If you need me again honey just call," she said kissing me on the cheek. "Thanks for all your help. Tell dad I'll talk to him later." With that she left and I was again forced to live with someone I was trying my best to hate. I went upstairs and saw Ann sitting on the bed with our two kids. "Guys, dinner should be ready in about twenty minutes so get washed up and I'll set the table," I said heading to my bedroom to change. Everyone came downstairs and helped me get the table set and the food dished out. Ann sat across from me saying nothing as we all ate. "Isn't anyone going to say something?" my daughter Carla finally said out loud. "I can't stand all this silence. Talk, yell, scream at each other but do something; I can't stand this anymore," she yelled as she ran upstairs to her room as Andy sat looking at the two of us. "Ann we're stuck with each other for the next six months so we might as well make the best of it. If you can prepare the meals, I'll do the shopping and the rest of the stuff. If nothing else we can at least act like a real family," I told her. "But if you'll excuse me, I've got to have a few words with our daughter." Carla didn't want to listen to my explanation on why we couldn't be a family anymore. Finally I just told her that her mother would be living with us for the next six months and after that I didn't have a clue what was going to happen. She hugged me and said she loved us both and didn't want us to get a divorce. I said nothing. I hugged her, told her I loved her and that no matter what I would always be her dad; it didn't help much. "Ann, you can have the master bedroom. I've moved my stuff out so you won't have to be bothered by me." "Steve, you're never been a bother and besides for the sake of the kids we need to keep it as normal as possible. We're adults and we can handle it, but it's tearing them up and I can't do it to them anymore." So, that's the way we lived for the next two weeks. We ate together, we went to church together and did things that on the outside looked like we were the normal every day family. However, I had no physical contact with Ann and stayed in my room and Ann in hers. The first counseling session was something like out of a Jerry Springer show. Initially our counselor, Ruth, just sat back for the first twenty minutes as we went at each other tooth and nail. Accusations were flung at each other as we tried to out yell the other. She finally spoke and took back control. "Well, that was fun wasn't it?" Ruth said in a quiet voice as she handed a tearful Ann a box of tissues. "Got everything out of your system yet? Probably not, but let me lay down the rules of engagement. You two don't have a choice; you will be here three times a week for the next six months. You miss, I notify the court. You don't participate I tell the judge, you starting to get the picture? I direct who speaks and each of you will have a chance to get their say without the other interrupting; do I make myself clear? You will be given weekly assignments that I expect to be done on time and not just thrown together. So in other words, you two are mine for the next six months," she said with a smirk on her face. "Steve, since you started all of this, we're going to let you go first, tell me how you feel, about your wife, Ann." "First of all, please don't refer to Ann as my wife. I don't know what to call her, but wife sure as hell doesn't fit. Maybe cheating, lying slut might fit but wife sure as hell doesn't." "I never cheated on you," Ann shouted at me. "Ann, you'll have your turn. Please be quiet and let Steve speak," she was told. "Ruth, Ann picked me to breed with cut and dry. Her lover didn't want kids so she needed some sucker to get her knocked up and take care of her and the kids. I was stupid enough to fall for all her lies, that is, until I found out the truth. I just want out of this sham of a marriage. To take my kids and build another life without her." "Are you sure they are really your kids? How do you know she didn't cheat on you with Ronnie and you're raising his kids?" My eyes got big, as saucers as Ann shouted out at Ruth that she was wrong, there were my kids. "I just figured I'd throw that out as I know it probably went through your mind at one time or another over the last few months. So with that out of the way, we can continue." I went on about the phone call I'd over heard and how Ann had changed since Ronnie moved back to town. "Did you feel threatened by him Steve?" "At first but after he got himself a girlfriend I saw he was moving on with his life. I guess he just got a girlfriend for show so the two of them could go back to the way they were before." "Do you have any proof that Ann has cheated on you?" Ruth asked me. "None at all. I guess they were too good at it to get caught." "Maybe they didn't do anything, did you ever think about that?" "They did something, I heard Ann telling him that they'd gone too far one night," I said looking at Ann and then Ruth as I started a slow burn. " But when she said that she didn't love me, that was the final straw. There was no way I could live with her any longer. She used me to give her what Ronnie wouldn't. God damn, I hate you Ann," I said looking at her as she dabbed away the tears. I went on for another ten minutes before Ruth cut in again. "Well, that was enlightening wouldn't you say? You've made some good points but now its time to let Ann have her say," Ruth said as we both now looked at her. I didn't think she was going to say a thing as she sat quietly for the first couple of minutes. When she started I could barely hear her as she was speaking just above a whisper. "Ronnie was my first true love. We talked about marriage and everything else. I guess I just assumed he wanted kids as much as I did. When we had a miscue and I got pregnant I was overjoyed but much to my dismay Ronnie wasn't. He said he wasn't ready for a family right now and that it would ruin our future. No one knew about it and after a month of badgering me, he talked me into getting an abortion. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway," she said opening weeping. I told him it wasn't fair, but he said we could always have another. I got depressed and ended up on meds after the procedure. I was just starting to come around when he laid the bomb on me that he really didn't like or want any kids even in the future. I was devastated and broke it off with him. I felt he'd lied to me and if I'd know this before, I would never have gone ahead with the abortion. We broke up and he moved away shortly after that." "Did you see him after he left?" "No, we exchanged letters for a while and I finally came to grips with what I'd done. I'd let a man control me and my body and felt used and dirty," she told us. "After that, I called the shots. If you wanted to go out with me, it was on my terms or not at all. I wasn't going to have a replay of what happened to me before, so I only went so far with anyone," she said now looking at me. "We would sometimes get hot and heavy but I never lost control or let it get too far. The day before I was supposed to go out with Steve, I had too much to drink and let Bob go a little too far but stopped it eventually. I guess it looked like we went a lot further to everyone else but we didn't," she said staring at me. "The next day Steve stood me up because his ego got bruised thinking that I'd given it up the night before. We got into it Sunday and I told him not to call me anymore." "Ann, didn't you like Steve? Hadn't you had quite a few wonderful dates up until that point? Didn't you try and explain to him what exactly had happened?" "I did all of that and really wanted to continue dating Steve, but he copped an attitude with me. As I said, I wasn't about to lose my control, so he dumped me." "I dated a bunch of guys after that, but most were after just one thing. I guess I was kind of sorry Steve and I'd stop going out because he treated me like an equal instead of like a piece of meat. We ran into each other months later and I decided to take a chance and see what Steve was really like. We dated exclusively and I was finally letting my guard down when we were at a club one night and Ronnie reappeared and came back into my life." Listening to Ann talk about our life together, before Ronnie's return, kind of made me smile for a minute as I remembered all the good times we'd had. The mere mention of Ronnie's name however set me off again and I did my best not to embarrass myself. "Steve, how did it make you feel when you met Ronnie face to face" "I thought he was an arrogant fuck especially when he told me to take care of 'his girl'. I wanted to punch out his running lights." "Ann, Steve said you totally ignored him that night after introducing him as your new boyfriend. Do you see Steve's point in this matter?" "I guess I do now, but at the time it wasn't intentional. We were just reminiscing about the past. Ronnie and I had already worked out our differences and after all, we had over three years of great times together. I guess looking back I should have brought Steve into our conversations. I did however know he was angry when he left. I knew that a kiss on the cheek was not how normally left me. He's a passionate man and a full lip kiss with a lot of tongue was the norm. I was going to ask him to stay, but I could see he was in no mood for talking. I guess I should have called him but I figured I'd let him sulk and wait until he was ready to talk, my mistake. When he accused me of cheating on him I was livid. How could Steve say such a thing, especially after I'd given everything to this relationship? And when he hung up on me not once but twice it was time for a come to Jesus meeting." "I tried adding a little levity to our conversation to defuse it and get us back on track, that is until Steve made the comment about using a rubber so we wouldn't have Ronnie's kids running around. Everything from my past came rushing in. Being pregnant, the abortion, everything; I almost passed out right there. Steve knew nothing about it but it didn't matter. He held me, told me that he loved me and we slept together in each other's arms but it didn't help. I was back there going through the same shit over and over again," she said now openly weeping. I felt bad for her because I never really understood her feelings because she never let me in. I wanted to grab her and hold her but Ruth cut us both off. "We've got to stop here because we've run out of time for today. We can continue this on Thursday afternoon. I need you both to think about what we've talked about and bring your comments with you for our next session." We left and I was glad we'd both taken our own cars. I had a lot to think about. I now understood why she'd gone nuts on me that Sunday, and her reaction to my statement about Ronnie's kids. But hell, I didn't know. Ann had never told me what happened between the two of them. Dinner started off deathly quiet until I forced myself to make small talk, anything to break up the silence. I saw Ann smile somewhat as I was sure she was thankful for what I'd done. We both went to our individual rooms that night and I made a couple of notes so I wouldn't forget them before Thursday's session. Thursday we continued on with Ann finishing her story on how she picked me over Ronnie. "My love life with Ronnie was white hot. He would throw me down on the bed and ravish my body," Ann said looking at me. "Steve, though, was more of a romantic with candles, soft music and tender lovemaking. I wanted both, what girl wouldn't. I had a different type of love for each but I did love you, Steve." Ann now said looking right at me. "It was a deeper love, more meaningful love. You were my love, my best friend, my equal partner and I trusted you and let my guard down completely around you. Did I wish that you'd throw me down sometimes and just take me? Hell yes, but that wasn't who you are," she told me. "Ann, why didn't you say something? Why didn't you bring it up? I'm not a fucking mind reader for Christ's sakes. How am I supposed to know if you don't tell me?" is how I put it. "Is that why you kept looking at Ronnie every chance you got? Thinking about how you'd like him to do you again? Just like old times?" I said starting to get angry again. "Steve, I picked you over Ronnie because for me you were a better choice. Do you hear me? I picked you. If I didn't love you, why in the hell would I have married you, and don't give me that crap about breeding stock again," she shot back at me. We went back and forth for almost the next forty-five minutes about what we'd both done or should have done. It was easy to see, neither one of us had been totally up front with the other before we got married; too many secrets. When Ruth gave us out homework assignment I about chocked. "I want you both to write down your feeling about what I'm about to say and we'll discuss them next week. Take your time and really put some effort into it," she told us. "Ann, I want you to think about the choice you made picking Steve. Would you have made the same choice if Ronnie came back and said he wanted kids with you," that took her back for a moment. "And Steve, knowing what I just said to Ann, would you have fought for her, or would have just bowed out and let Ronnie have her. See you both next week." Wow! That all I could say at this point. Talk about tough questions. I drove home in a daze and spent the next two days thinking about what Ruth had asked. I wrote down a few notes, ripped them up and did the same thing time and time again before I came up with my answer. Ann and I hadn't talked much since our last meeting but our eyes never left one another. I wanted to know her answer so bad it almost made me sick. I knew what I'd written down but if it didn't match hers, what was the point going forward? However Tuesday's meeting didn't go as planned. Ruth took both of our answers and put them in a folder on her desk as we both waited for what was next. "Today we're going to try something different. When is the last time you touched? Even if it was only to hold hands?" she asked. "Months ago," I quickly answered. "Thought so," she replied. "Come here both of you," she said motioning us onto the couch. "I want you two to spend the rest of this session holding hands. First one, then the other and finally both together, but I want you to do it with your eyes closed and without talking." "How about the answers to our questions from last week?" I asked and could see Ann had the same question. "Who's the therapist? You or I?" Ruth asked. "I guess you are," Ann replied. "That's right, now let's begin." It was hard; it was damn hard because my hands were wet with sweat before we even began. I felt the hands of the woman I'd loved above all others for the last seven years and for the life of me, they felt no different than every other woman's hands I'd ever held; at first anyway. What I noticed first was the texture of her skin, how smooth it was and half expected to feel some dry skin around the knuckles as she always had her hands in water of some sort. They were still smooth, thin and delicate. I'm not sure if hers were sweating or if mine were making hers wet also. Do you know how long an hour is? It seemed like it lasted forever as I went from her palm and ended up stroking her fingers and feeling her nails. "Steve, is Ann wearing her wedding rings, and Ann is Steve?" Ruth asked. My hand had gone across that area a dozen times in the last forty minutes and I guess that never registered in my brain, but yes they were still there and she'd soon realized that I still had mine on. I guess I never thought of taking it off after all these months. "Well, that's all the time we have for today I want both of you to make it a point to touch the other on the arm or hand at least once a day until Wednesday's meeting. Nothing sexual, only a touch but it must last for at least a minute," with that it ended. We spent the next month and a half touching and talking to one another in various tones of voice. We would ask, we would request and beg the other for this or that depending on the mood of Ruth that day. She said we couldn't communicate if we didn't know how to talk to one another. After three months we were getting more comfortable with one another. The touching had gone further and now when we walked we held hands, it became automatic again. However we were not discussing the issues I wanted to address and I was getting more than a little frustrated but I knew better than to question Ruth again. Friday's session pushed the envelope. Hell it ripped it up and burned it. "Steve, I want you to remove your coat and take off your shirt. And Ann, I want you to roll up your sleeves." After doing that we were instructed to sit in two chairs that were facing one another. "Now I want you both to touch the upper arms of the other keeping your eyes closed," she instructed us. "Wait a minute, move your chairs in much closer to one another, that's right, almost touching," she told us. "Now gently touch the others upper arm. Do not tickle, or grab, only lightly touch. Is their skin warm to the touch or cool?" I started to say something but she told us not to speak. "Picture in your mind what you're doing. Can you see in your mind what the other looks like? Every feature, every blemish, the exact color of their skin, the color of their hair, the shape of their nose and the texture and shape of their lips," she said peppering us with questions while we continued caressing one another. "Now, lean forward and touch lips." I opened my eyes and looked at her. "Steve, it wasn't a request," Ruth said as she looked at me. I closed my eyes and move forward trying carefully not to bump heads with Ann. I guess we'd done this so many times in the past seven years, our lips found each other on their own without our help. "All right, continue touching each others arms and now touch lips. Do not, I repeat, do not kiss, only touch each others lips." I was now sweating. I could feel beads of moisture on my arms and forehead. I could tell immediately that Ann had no lipstick on, but there was some type of coating on her lips. It wasn't Chap Stick but it must have been a moisturizer of some sort. It smelled like flowers but wasn't at all sweet liked I'd expect it to be. We kept this up for at least twenty minutes as our lips moved across one another's. I sometimes licked her top or bottom lip to keep them moist. "That's enough," Ruth finally told us. I put my shirt back on. "Steve, what did Ann's smell like?" "Flowers, Jasmine I think." "Very good, I'm impressed. Why did you feel it necessary to use your tongue, I thought I said just lips?" "Her lips were getting dry, so I just did that to keep them moist," I replied. "What difference did it make if they were dry or moist? Why did you even care?" "I just like moist lips that's all." "You like moist lips in general or Ann's lips moist in this case?" she asked. I knew where she was going with this. "Ann, was Steve still using the same cologne he's always used? Was he warm to the touch or cool and clammy? "He still is wearing Calvin Kline CKB and started off kind of clammy but his skin warmed up after a couple of minutes." "What does that tell you?" "I guess it says that Steve likes to be touched and warms up if it goes on for more than a few minutes," she said almost embarrassed. What She Didn't Tell me "Look, everyone likes to be touched and flesh on flesh will always make your skin feel warm," I told the both of them. "So I guess if say your boss rubs your arm you'll get warm and start to sweat?" She didn't give me a chance to respond. "This week, I want you two to talk to one another. I don't care what the topic is, only that it lasts for at least a half hour per day. My only stipulation is that you do it while the two of you are alone without any distractions. No TV, radio or anything like that. Do you understand? See you both next week." All in all, the weekend went pretty good. Saturday we did family yard work and played a couple of games of lawn darts and Sunday we stopped at Denny's on the way home from church. We saw a few people we knew as they gave us more than a once over. Everyone knew that we'd both filed and were kind of shocked we were still together. Besides our families, no one else knew about the counseling and I wanted to keep it that way. The first couple of days we talked about crap just to get in the required time. After that we hit on a few touchy subjects like my crack about Ronnie and the condoms. "I'm sorry Ann, I didn't know. If you would have told me that afternoon I would have understood where you were coming from and why you acted in that way." "Steve, I guess I tried to repress it and drive it deep down inside of me. It's not one of my proudest moments," she said trying to smile. I felt sorry for her. She'd given up everything for that jerk and I couldn't understand after all that, why she'd want to get back together with him again. Every time I thought of Ronnie my blood boiled and I wanted to hurt him, hurt him bad for what he'd done to me, to us. I was expecting another touchy feely session and even dressed appropriately for one, guess I was wrong. "Today we need to address some of the hard issue that brought us here. I've tried over the last couple of months to put you both on an even keel with one another. The burning hatred is gone, but the hurt is still there for both of you," she said taking out our two pieces of papers. All right I wasn't ready for this just yet. I could feel my pits start to sweat, my neck felt damp and I was scared. Hell, I was petrified of what was going to happen next "Let's start with Steve's answers," Ruth said looking at my sheet. Hell, I wanted her to start with Ann's. I hadn't wanted to be the one that went first and I was going to say something and started to until Ruth spoke. "Interesting," is how she phrased it. "What do you mean interesting? Read the damn sheet," my brain yelled, but she didn't. Ruth then took out Ann's and I could see she was uncomfortable. Just read it for Christ's sake but again she just looked at the two of us. "Well?" I finally said unable to control myself anymore. "It seems we have a problem here with both of your answers," as she looked at first Ann and then me. "Steve it seems, even after all the crap he said you put him through, would still have fought for you. Why is that Steve?" "I guess because I thought she was worth it at the time," I replied. "And now? Would you fight for her now given the chance?" "I'll give you that answer after I hear what Ann put down on her sheet," was my reply. "Good answer," Ruth said as she picked up Ann's paper. "It seems that she would pick you Steve give the choice between you and Ronnie, all things being equal." That surprised me and my face must have shown that. "Did you hear me Steve?" Ruth asked. "I heard you but I don't understand," I said now looking at Ann who had tears in her eyes again. "Why Ann? Why would you pick me over Ronnie?" I asked her directly now. "If you don't know by now," she started to say but I stopped her. "Spell it out for me. I need to hear it from you own lips, why." "I picked and would pick you again, because of who you are. You put my needs first even in front of your own not because you have to, because you want to. You don't ask for much and demand nothing. You love our children and me but the look on your face when you walk through the door every night says it all, you want to be with us. Steve, I don't need bone crushing orgasms to know that you love me, I just know that at night I can cuddle up to you and know I'm safe in your arms, that I'm totally yours and you're all mine." "Well, it looks like we're finally starting to make progress," Ruth said making a few notes. "Steve, I never cheated on you with Ronnie no matter what you heard. We were both drinking too much at the Reynolds's party and he grabbed me and kissed me. I don't know why, but I kissed him back before realizing it wasn't you. I pushed him back and told him that could never happen again and it hasn't, you've got to believe me," Ann said trying to grab my hands. "Steve, does that fall into your definition of cheating?" Ruth asked me while Ann looked on. "I don't like it but it's far from a deal breaker." We spent the rest of the hour talking about needs verses wants and Ruth sent us home with a tough assignment that was due Friday. We were to write down if we wanted to continue on our present path towards divorce and or where we wanted our marriage to go from this day forward. For once I wished we'd ridden together because I didn't want this session to end. I raced home only to find her parents there with the kids. They weren't sure how I'd react to them but when I greeted them with a smile that broke the ice. Ann flew in the door not knowing what to expect. "You parents are having dinner with us tonight, I hope there will be enough food for everyone." "Why don't you and my dad grab the kids and set the dining room table while mom and I make a few extra items," Ann said pulling her mother into the kitchen. Dinner was normal or as normal as it could be with everyone on pins and needles. I think Ann told her mom about today's session as she kept one eye on me all the way through dinner. There was the usual small talk with the kids carrying the majority of the conversation. With dinner finished and the dishes in the dishwasher her parents said their goodbyes and left. I got the kid off to bed and kissed them both good night. It had been quite a day. I found Ann sitting in the kitchen with a glass of wine in hand. "Any left?" I asked. "About half a bottle in the refrigerator." I poured about three inches and sat down across from her. We just sat there staring at one another. I think we both wanted to say something but I guess neither of us knew how to start. "Dinner was nice and I'd forgotten how good your mom's pot roast was." "I don't want a divorce," Ann almost shouted at me. "I love you and I want our old life back," she said reaching for my hand. "I can't wait until Friday for your answer Steve. I've got to know how you feel and if it's just wishful thinking on my part or if we've got any shot at picking up the pieces." "Ann, I love you and have since we first started going out together. This Ronnie thing put a hell of a wedge between us but I never really stopped loving you; I tried to hate you but I still loved you if that makes any sense." "All I'm asking is, do you want to try again?" Ann said holding both of my hands now staring a hole right through me. "If it's you and I ALONE than I'm willing to take another shot at it, but like I said, it has to be just the two of us." Ann kissed my hands and the tears started flowing again as she raced around the table and jumped into my arms kissing me for the first time in forever. She sat on my lap and I just held her as she continued to cry. For the first time since that ugly night we slept in the same bed together. We kissed but took it no further. I think it was something like a contest to see which one of us would fall asleep first as we were both totally drained. I woke up first and just watched her sleep for about ten minutes before getting out of bed; I still had to work. I was quiet enough not to wake her and kissed her forehead before leaving. The day went great. Maybe it was my upbeat attitude but nothing went wrong for a change. Ann e-mailed me saying that she was sad when she woke up and I wasn't there next to her. I replied that there was always tonight. The kids noticed a change in our behavior as we now talked to one another and not just small talk but said nothing other than to ask what was on the agenda for the weekend. "What do you want to do, babes?" I asked. "Why don't we play it by ear, we can always go to the water park if it doesn't rain," Ann said smiling at the kids. For the second night in a row we slept together but besides kissing and spooning we did nothing else. I think we were both more than a little hesitant on what to do next; I know I was. "Where are your sheets?" Ruth asked us on Friday. "We talked and we both want to take another shot at it," Ann told her and then informed her that we'd shared the same bed for the last two nights. "Have you been intimate yet?" Ann just shook her head. "Didn't thinks so," Ruth said looking at both of us. "When a person writes a book, he's got an idea in mind and has something he wants to say. He makes an outline, does a rough draft and makes sure each chapter contains everything he wants it to. It's time to close one chapter and open another so to speak," Ruth said putting her note pad down. "Ann, you have to close the chapter on you and Ronnie. It has to be over, finished and done if you have any real expectations of saving your marriage. No more contact what so ever. No phone calls, e-mails, letters nothing at least for now. You tell him face to face that the past is just that, the past, and you're moving on. And I want you to do this as soon as possible." "Steve, you need to open a new chapter in your life. You need to take back your wife not physically but mentally. In your mind you have had doubts as to how Ann felt about you and Ronnie. If she is to be truly yours, you need to stake your claim to her both physically and mentally. You have to have faith and believe in her, you must be able to trust her and above all remember that she picked you not Ronnie. Only then can you look at her and no longer have any doubts. If you two can do that, you have a chance at making it," Ruth told us. "Also, just because you two shared a bed don't think for a minute your problems are all solved, I'll see you both next week." Since we'd driven together, we left and yes, we were holding hands. Ruth didn't give us an assignment this week; she said that we had enough to work on. I was a quiet ride home. We talked but we both had a lot on our minds. After the kids were down for the night I walked into our bedroom, yes it was our bedroom again. I watched Ann getting ready for bed like I had for the last seven years. She glanced over at me, smiled and finished brushing her teeth. "You want to talk tonight?" Ann asked wiping her mouth. "Not tonight, I'm all talked out for now. I just need a good night sleep for a change." "Well, hurry up and come to bed," she said pulling the covers back." I did something tonight I hadn't done in years; I shaved before coming to bed. They say young men shave at night and old men shave in the morning; I felt young tonight. As I lay next to her, I kissed her. Hell, we made out for the first time in a long time. "I could get use to this," she said feeling my face with her chin. "No stubble or whisker burns tonight. I wanted to make love to her so bad I ached. Up until our problems it just happened, it was never really planned and now I was second guessing myself. I remembered Ann saying that Ronnie was bigger than I was and how she loved it when he threw her down on the bed and ravished her which all now made me question myself. I guess after so many years your partner starts to know you as well as you know yourself. Ann moved over to me, kissed me with more than a little tongue and whispered in my ear. "Don't think about it just do it," she said kissing me again. And we did. No I didn't pound her pussy until she screamed that I was the best lover she'd ever had or shot three loads in her while I was knee deep in her ass. We did it the same way we had for the last seven years. We kissed and licked one another until I just slipped in and made slow and gentle love to my wife. It had been too long and I didn't last nearly as long as I'd hoped but I never pulled out, as I got hard again within only a few minutes. After shrinking and falling out of her warm velvet glove, Ann jumped up and ran for the bathroom to clean up. "Why is the wet spot always on my side of the bed? Next time we make love on your side of the bed and see how you like sleeping on a wet spot," she said tossing me a washcloth and pulling the sheet back. "And look at the size of it, you're going to have company on your side of the bed tonight whether you like it or not," she said cuddling up to me. All right we weren't totally back together, but this was a start. Saturday Ann left just before eleven. I knew where she was going and I just gave her a kiss just before she left. I could see it in her eyes that it wasn't going to be pleasant. About one thirty I was playing with the lawn mover in the garage when I noticed her right behind me. Her eyes were red, her makeup was smeared and she literally flew into my arms. Ann didn't say a word; she just led me upstairs to our room, locked the door and took me. I didn't initiate anything; it was completely her show as she balled my eyes out. "Hon," I started to say but she just said put a finger to my lips and just told me to hold her. We lay that way for the better part of an hour. We took a shower together and I cursed myself as I caught myself looking at her body for sex marks. "In order to take her back, you have to trust her," were the words Ruth had said to me yesterday. She was right; a roll in the sack wasn't going to solve all my problems. "Do you want me to tell you what happened today?" Ann asked as we lay in each other's arms that night. "Not really. I just want to know that it's over." "I've closed a big chapter in my life and now I want to write a new one with just you, me and our kids," she said kissing me. We started that night. We finished up our last month with Ruth. We'd gotten a little cocky and she took us down a peg or two before we finished. She was happy for us. When we went in front of the judge, for the last time, he warned us if he ever saw us in front of his bench again for the same reason, he'd throw us both in jail and throw away the key. Thank God I saw him smile. It was a tough hall for the next two years. We had spent the majority of our savings on attorney fees and now the kids had soccer and dance lessons so we were going non-stop most of the time, but we made time for ourselves. After four years and at the same Mexican restaurant as before, I dropped down on one knee and asked Ann to remarry me. I embarrassed my kids but at least my wife said yes. We didn't get a cake this time; I guess you only get one for the first time around. With just family in attendance we renewed our vows in the backyard of my parent's house. A friend of ours was a notary and presided over our small ceremony. We wrote our own vows and by the end everyone was crying, me included. Her parents took our kids and we went on a four-day cruise to the Bahamas'. We came back a little burnt but happy. I suppose your wondering what happened to Ronnie? Well, he left shortly after he and Ann talked. I think Ann knows where he went, but I couldn't care less as long as he's not here. Do I trust my wife? Yes, totally, which took me a lot longer than I thought it would to get that through my thick skull. We are happy, content and are looking forward to many years of happily married bliss. We talk incessantly and no longer have any secrets; past, present or future. When I think about how close we came to losing it all, I thank God for Ruth and a tough judge who knew better that either one of us. However, we both remembered his last words to us. That is one man I wouldn't want pissed off at me.