124 comments/ 269236 views/ 41 favorites Long After the Fact Ch. 01 By: ohio [This is the first part of a two-part story; the second part will appear tomorrow. I am very grateful to GaryAPB for reading a draft of this story and making a number of terrific suggestions.] DISCOVERY February 10 He would never have found out if his hard drive hadn't crashed. He would have lived the rest of his life in blissful ignorance—a happy fool. Would that have been better or worse? It was a Friday night in February in Painesville, Ohio, and Dan Flood was working on his Fantasy League Baseball team when the computer began to act up. As a systems engineer, he knew enough to immediately back up all his files onto zip disks. So when the computer went haywire an hour later, and nothing he could do would get it working again, he wasn't that concerned. He'd have to take it in to the computer place over in Euclid the next day for repairs, but nothing was lost. On the other hand, he was eager to keep working on his baseball team, and frustrated not to have a computer. Then he remembered his wife's old machine, sitting untouched in the basement since she'd switched to a new laptop about six months earlier. They'd never gotten around to throwing it out. It was a slower machine, but it would do fine for his team. Dan didn't have to ask Susan if he could use it. For one thing it was a discarded computer. For another, she was away. Susan and her sister Lynne had taken their widowed mom on a ten-day Caribbean cruise for her 60th birthday. They'd agreed not to call one another during the cruise, since ship-to-shore was so expensive. Susan had left two days earlier and wouldn't be back until next weekend. When Dan had dusted off the old PC and booted it up, he was annoyed to find that the whole thing was password-protected. Why had Susan done that, since only he and she were ever in the house? He tried the passwords that they normally used, things like birthdays and nicknames, without success. He almost gave up in frustration, but decided instead to think it through. Susan had gotten this computer two and half years earlier, in May or June of 2003. Dan remembered because it was just a few weeks after her car accident. A driver swerved to avoid a six-year old who had run into the street, and the result was a terrible crash in which Susan had lost the five-month old fetus she was carrying. Worse still, after the surgery the doctors had told Susan she'd be unable to bear children in the future. She would never be a mother. Thinking about that terrible time, Dan had a thought. They had already picked out the name Sean for their son-to-be, since ultrasound had shown he would be a boy. Dan tried a couple of password combinations with Sean in them; the third one, "Sean03", unlocked the files. Dan had intended just to trash all the documents, leaving plenty of room for his baseball statistics, but a file on the desktop made him stop. It was labeled "Teddy". Dan didn't know that Susan knew a Teddy, though the assistant principal at the school where Susan taught fifth grade was named Theodore O'Neill. He was a tall, pleasant-looking guy with sandy hair, maybe about five years younger than Susan and Dan, who were both 36. The "Teddy" folder was full of email messages between Susan and a "Teddy19@aol.com". Curious, Dan clicked on one to open it. In that moment his life changed dramatically. ***** July 23, 2003 Baby— God, you were amazing today—I've never cum so hard in my whole life! You just turned me inside out. I'm not sure I can get away Thursday, because Dan might be coming home from work early. I'll write you tomorrow to see if we can be together Friday. I can hardly wait! xxoo Susan ***** Dan sat frozen, staring at the screen. There was no possible way the message could mean anything other than what it seemed to mean. His wife had fucked another man—had been regularly fucking another man, in fact. He wasn't sure he was even thinking. He may just have been sitting. He heard the kitchen clock's tick echo through the quiet house, heard the whoosh of a car's tires passing outside. Fragmentary images of his wife swirled through his mind: Susan's loving kiss before she left for the cruise; the way she shook her fist at him when she was jokingly pretending to be angry; her gasps when she orgasmed during sex; her sad, devastated face in the hospital when he went in to see her after surgery, both of them knowing they'd never have children. He knew he should be angry, but he wasn't there yet. The shock was too great, and despite the very clear evidence in front of him on the screen Dan knew he just didn't believe it yet. All thoughts of baseball long gone, he eventually roused himself and began to look through the file of email messages. It never once even occurred to him that he already knew enough, that he could have spared himself further pain. He began by going to the end. The last email he found was from Susan to Teddy19 in early September 2003. ***** September 8 Teddy: I meant it when I said we had to stop. You knew this couldn't continue, you knew I love Dan and I don't want to lose him. Please, baby, don't make this harder for me than it already is. Every time I see you in the hall--- Just please, please, let me do what I have to do! If you can't let go, if we can't be professional about it, then I'll just have to move to another school. Teddy, if you care for me, let it be over—please accept it. Susan ***** Going back chronologically, Dan found a flurry of messages back and forth at the end of August. Susan was determined to break off the affair, and Teddy—who clearly was Theodore O'Neill, the assistant principal—was trying to keep her involved in it. He said he adored her, couldn't imagine his life without their private time together, etc. But while Susan wasn't sick of Teddy, she was firm about ending it. She was worried about her marriage—not only about Dan finding out but about the strains that had arisen between them. Still numb, still reeling, Dan thought back to the summer of 2003. How could he have been so fucking clueless? It had been a terrible time. Susan's accident cost them not only what would have been their first-born child but any chance of having a family. He had brought up adoption, but Susan had just been too shattered to consider it. Dan desperately wanted a family, and he wanted to keep talking about it, but he understood that Susan just couldn't face the reality yet, that she would never bear her own kids. She'd been distant, withdrawn, and deeply depressed for weeks, through June and into the summer vacation. All of Dan's kindness and affection and patience she'd received with a kind of weary acceptance. She was never angry or unkind; it was more as though she were experiencing life—or at least her connection with her husband---through a kind of screen. After several weeks Dan was nearly at the end of his rope. He wondered whether he and Susan should simply divorce—it wasn't something he wanted, but there didn't seem to be any marriage left, or really any relationship at all. He took a long walk one afternoon, trying to figure out what to do. What kept coming into his mind were his wedding vows, especially "for better and for worse" and "in sickness and in health". And he realized that he couldn't simply end his marriage, not at a time when Susan was in such desperate straits. He owed her more than that. He would keep trying to reach her, until there was simply no hope left. In early July, a deeply worried Dan enlisted the help of Susan's doctor to talk her into starting therapy. Her work with Dr. Branden had gradually helped bring her out of her depression. Dan vividly remembered the day that had always seemed like the turning point. On a Tuesday in the last week of August Susan had surprised him by cooking an extra-fancy dinner. Afterwards they sat on the couch and she held his hand. "Honey, I've put you through hell this summer, and I'm so sorry." He started to protest, but she silenced him. "No, Dan, it's true. I didn't do it on purpose. But I was just so . . . so sad about the baby. And you were trying so hard to reach out to me, to comfort me, and I was just keeping you at a distance. "Dr. Branden has helped me see things so much more clearly. She called it clinical depression. I never gave you the chance to grieve with me, for us to grieve together. I didn't mean to, but I shut you out, and each of us suffered through this alone. "I want to come back to you. I want to be totally your wife again; I want us to talk about everything, and deal with everything in our lives together. "I love you so much, Dan," she concluded, tenderly, and he pulled her into a long embrace. They went straight to bed together and made love slowly and sweetly. Their sex life had dwindled almost to nothing in the time since the accident—Dan guessed they hadn't had sex more than four times in the three preceding months—but after that the passion returned with a vengeance. For a few weeks Susan was energetic and eager, dragging Dan into bed at least 4-5 times a week, being as exciting and giving a lover as she had been during their courtship and honeymoon. During the course of the fall, it had gradually subsided a bit. But even now, Dan reflected that their sexual relationship and the rest of their marriage over the past two years had been terrific. He knew that Susan loved him, and that she wanted their marriage as much as he did. Until opening those fucking emails he had had no reason whatever to doubt her affection or her fidelity. Reconstructing his memories of that time, and putting them together with her emails, Dan began to see how the pieces fit together. Susan had somehow begun the affair in the summer of 2003—clearly by July it was in full swing. She'd started seeing Dr. Branden, and perhaps that had helped her decide to end the affair and recommit herself to her marriage. Whatever the impetus, she must have told Teddy it was over sometime in late August, then come to Dan, apologized for her distance from him (without confessing to the affair, of course!), and fucked his brains out for a few weeks. From the emails it appeared she'd held Teddy off after that—at least, there was no evidence their affair had continued. Susan had turned herself back into a faithful and loving wife. And Dan had to admit that she'd succeeded. Until fifteen minutes earlier he would have described himself as the happiest of husbands. The only trouble was that all the time since that August day had been a lie. *************** Dan got up and fetched a beer, which he drank standing up in the kitchen, staring out into the dark backyard. He had no earthly idea what to do next. After a few minutes, he realized that he wanted to know everything—every last fucking detail. He went back to the computer and systematically read all the lovers' messages to each other, from June through September. It had started with consolation, then flirtation. Teddy, who was single, happened to find Susan crying in the teachers' lounge, and comforted her. People already knew she had lost the baby, but she told him the rest: that she could never have children. He took her to lunch and was a supportive, caring friend. It developed from there: regular lunches, long talks. She found she could open up to him about her sorrow, even when she couldn't talk to Dan about it. Once school let out the lunches began to include long walks in a beautiful, quiet park outside town. One day Teddy kissed her, and they necked for a while on a park bench. Horrified by what they'd done, she avoided him for a few days. He promised to behave, and the lunches and walks resumed. On June 28 he invited her to his apartment for lunch and "to give him advice about decorating". They had a bottle of wine, and he offered to rub her back. From there it wasn't hard to get her into his bed, and they fucked for the first time. ***** June 28 Dear Teddy: I don't know how that happened today, but it can never happen again. You have been a wonderful, supportive friend to me, but I never intended to cheat on my husband. What we did was wrong. I think we should stop seeing each other. In the fall we can return to our old professional relationship. Susan ***** Teddy was smooth. He wrote an apologetic reply, then waited a few days. He asked her to lunch again, promising it would be purely a friendly meal together. They had a couple more lunches, then a picnic in the park. They drank a lot of wine but he didn't push her—probably hoping to get her to trust him again. But the week after that she again went to his apartment to talk about decorating, and once again they fell into bed. ***** July 11 Teddy: We can't, we can't. Oh my God, we can't. You make me feel so good, so loved. It is so exciting being with you! But we have to stop. Please, help me! We have to stop. Susan ***** After that, she pretty much gave up any pretense that it was a one-time thing. Between July 11 and the 23rd, the day of the first email Dan had read, they seem to have fucked several times, meeting at his apartment. On one night she knew Dan was working late, she and Teddy were together from 11am until 9pm, and he fucked her four times. Susan's messages lost any tone of hesitancy. She loved the sex she was getting, and each message spoke of looking forward to the next time. It wasn't until early August, about four weeks into her therapy with Dr Branden, that she started talking about breaking it off. ***** August 5 Baby: It's like a drug, I just can't get enough of you! But we have to stop. We HAVE to stop; my therapist is helping me see that I could lose everything. My husband, my marriage, even my job at the school. If ANYONE found out about us! Help me be strong. Once more, Friday, and that's it. I'm going to devour every little bit of you then, so be ready. And then we're done. Love, Susan ***** Of course, that Friday was not the end of it. There were a couple more weeks of attempts by Susan to end the affair, where she spoke more and more openly of her feelings of guilt, and efforts by Teddy to keep it going. They were together about five more times before she finally broke it off. In fact their last romp in Teddy's bed was August 24, just two days before she arranged that lovely little "let's rekindle our marriage" evening with Dan, the unsuspecting cuckold husband! Dan sat back, his numbness gradually giving way to the anger he knew was coming. He was shocked to see it was nearly 2:30 a.m. He grabbed his heavy coat, hat and gloves and plunged out into the winter night, barely aware of the icy wind whipping down from Lake Erie a few miles away. He walked as fast as he could, feeling his heart pump harder and seeing his frosty breath in front of him. He actually didn't think much—he seethed. All he could focus on was the bottomless pit he had fallen into; his happy marriage an utter lie, his wife someone he didn't know. He walked until he was exhausted and shivering, then went straight to bed. It was 4:15 am. *************** The next day was even worse, if that's possible. Dan had all day to contemplate what Susan had done, to wallow in feelings of fury and self-pity, and to consider what he wanted to do about it. That day and the next, Sunday, he somehow got through his life. He took his computer to be fixed; he did the grocery shopping; he cleaned up the house. He took a lot of walks, and did a lot of thinking. Dan found his mind turning again and again to the August day two years earlier, when Susan had "returned" to him. Yes, she'd apologized; yes, she'd told him she loved him; yes, she'd rededicated herself to him and to their marriage. And yes, she'd made him very happy ever since then. But had she told him the truth? Had she confessed her affair, and told him how sorry she was for cheating on him? Hell no! Dan realized that everything that had happened that day, that day in August that had meant so much to him—it was all bullshit. She'd looked into his eyes, she'd kissed him and held him and made love with him—and she'd never told him about Teddy. Dan was cold with rage—and determined that he'd make Susan see just how bad it feels when someone you love betrays you. During the afternoon it suddenly occurred to him that Teddy might not have been her only affair. The idea just increased his torment. He spent several hours carefully searching the house: Susan's drawers, her old pocket-books, places in the attic and the basement where she might have stashed mementos or secrets. But he found nothing. He booted up her laptop and checked it thoroughly. There was no password, and he could easily access all her files; but he found nothing at all incriminating or even worrying. Dan reluctantly concluded that she'd had no other affairs since the one with Teddy. He wondered why that didn't make him feel even a little bit better. On Monday Dan went to work and pretended to concentrate—probably managing about 30%. The next day was better, and so was the next. He wasn't any less angry or miserable, but his concentration was up to maybe 75%, most of the time, and his plans were gradually coming together. His first instinct had been to leave—simply to disappear, without a word. Quit his job, take a cruise, move to Los Angeles or New Zealand. Let Susan wonder for the rest of her life where her loving husband had gone! Then he realized that he really wanted to know how it would play out. He wanted to know how Susan would react, what she'd do. Would she try to find him? Would she simply file for divorce and move on? Would she fall back into bed with Teddy, even though he was also married now? So he decided to bug the house: wireless recorders in all the rooms and a tap on the phone lines. He knew it was practically a cliché, but he wanted to hear her. He wanted to see what she'd do; and he wanted to hear her suffer. Then he started to think the whole idea was pathetic. The cheated husband, skulking around in the bushes to see what his wife was up to! How could he act like such a loser? Better just to leave town and make a new life somewhere else. Finally, his thinking began to clarify. It didn't matter how it looked to anyone else—all that mattered was how he felt and what he wanted. Fuck what other people might think! What he wanted was to vanish—and to be around and watch Susan deal with it. He'd had his fucking heart ripped out, now it would be her turn! On Friday Dan made an appointment to see Sam Evans, his immediate boss and his best friend. They'd joined the company together more than a decade earlier, and remained friends as they rose through the ranks. Dan had no resentment about working for Sam: he recognized that his friend was a better manager, just as Sam knew that Dan was a superior engineer. When Sam heard the story, and heard that Dan planned to quit, there was a long silence. Then they discussed it for more than hour, Sam pointing out all the good reasons why leaving a great job made no sense. He didn't want to lose his best friend or his best employee, and he didn't want Dan to do something irrevocable while in the middle of an emotional hurricane. Finally Sam made a counterproposal that Dan could live with. It would be announced that Dan was leaving, but he would secretly be issued a letter from Sam giving him an unpaid leave from the company, with full rights to return to his position for up to one year. Only one other person would know: Sam's boss, and Sam was sure he would get Anthony's OK without difficulty. That afternoon Dan told a few shocked colleagues of his departure—he'd waited until Friday on purpose to avoid any sentimental farewell parties. During lunch hour he had taken care of several banking chores. On Saturday Dan got up early and finished his preparations—he would be gone before Susan returned that evening. Long After the Fact Ch. 01 With a help of a friend from the company's security division, he set up the recording devices. He packed the clothes and other things he'd be taking with him. Then, looking around one final time, Dan left his home. He took a cab to the bus station, then a bus down to Youngstown and spent one night in a hotel there, paying cash and using a false name. The next morning he took another bus to Akron and rented a nondescript brown sedan from Rent-a-Wreck. There Dan had to use his own name, but he paid with a brand-new credit card, one Susan didn't know about. Driving north towards the lake, Dan went to the Cleveland airport, where he picked up a plane ticket to Dallas he'd purchased using his old credit card. Then he headed for Mentor, a few miles west of Painesville, and to the furnished apartment he'd rented for a month under the name "Theodore Drought". It was Dan's idea of a joke, combining his own name (and his feeling of emptiness) and Susan's lover's name. Even he didn't think it was particularly funny. **************************************** **************************************** DISAPPEARANCE February 18 At first Susan had been annoyed, then angry. Now she was worried. The cruise had been wonderful and her mother had had a lovely time, but she was eager to see Dan again. They had never spent such a long time apart, and she had missed her husband very much. It made her uneasy to be out of contact with him. But when she'd called him from Miami Saturday afternoon, an hour after the boat docked, she'd gotten no answer either at home or on his cell phone. Why didn't he have the damn thing turned on, she wondered? Saying a loving goodbye to her mother and sister, she headed for the airport. Before boarding the plane she tried Dan again, but still no answer. When she came off the plane at 9 pm, tired and ready to be home, he was nowhere to be seen. Now she was pissed! They'd agreed he would pick her up. Again he couldn't be reached at either number, and after an increasingly frustrating 45-minute wait, she gave up and took a taxi home. Now, as she paid the cab driver and glanced at her dark, apparently empty house, she began to be seriously concerned. Dan was neither impulsive nor irresponsible. She knew he would have missed her as much as she missed him, so why hadn't he been at the airport to meet her? Had something happened to him? The house was totally dark, and she turned on several lights before leaving the front hall. Calling out, "Dan? Honey, are you all right?" she moved through the kitchen and living room without finding him. The house was neat, no newspapers lying around or dishes in the sink. She headed to their bedroom, finding the bed neatly made but no sign of Dan. The closet doors were open, but at first she was almost too distracted to notice that most of Dan's clothes were missing, the hangers empty on the rod. Susan's heart gave a lurch. Had Dan gone on a trip? Was there some work emergency? But why wouldn't he have left a message on her cell phone? Hoping that she had somehow missed a note from him, she hurried back to the kitchen. A quick glance into the garage revealed that his car was still there. She looked more thoroughly through the kitchen, checked the mail neatly piled on the table, and finally walked into the dining room, more confused and concerned than ever. Sitting alone on the dining room table was her old computer, the one she'd put down in the basement months ago. As she moved closer she saw that there was an email message on the screen, and an icy knot formed in her chest. "Oh my God," she murmured. ***** July 23, 2003 Baby— God, you were amazing today! I've never cum so hard in my whole life! You just turned me inside out. I'm not sure I can get away Thursday, because Dan might be coming home from work early. I'll write you tomorrow to see if we can be together Friday. I can hardly wait! xxoo Susan ***** "No!" Susan cried aloud, without being aware of it. It was one of her messages to Teddy from two years earlier, during their affair. Her thoughts were a blur. How could she have been so stupid not to delete them all? But the computer was password-protected! And why would Dan even have looked there? What was the computer doing out of the basement? Why hadn't she just thrown it in the garbage? Still unable to process the full meaning of what she had just found, Susan glanced around her. Then her breath caught in her throat. Sitting on the table just six inches to the left of the computer was Dan's wedding ring. She stared at it and began to cry. *************** Susan passed a horrible night. She had no idea what to do, how to find Dan—she was totally at a loss. All she could think of was that she had to find him and explain, somehow, what she had done, that it was over, that she loved only him. He must know that, surely? Ever since the affair ended she had worked so hard to be the most loving, thoughtful, considerate wife she could be. It had been too late to call anyone, even her best friend Diana. So she went to bed and spent a miserable, sleepless night. She felt guilty, frightened, and even angry. Why had he just walked out on her? Wouldn't it have been fairer at least to give her a chance to explain? But, she wondered, would she have let HIM explain if the tables were turned? She wasn't sure she could have been that patient . . . . She must have fallen asleep at some point, because when she awoke with a start it was nearly 10 am and the sun was streaming in the bedroom windows. It took her a moment to remember that she was no longer on the cruise-ship; and then it all came back to her. The computer; the affair; Dan's disappearance. She went to the kitchen, made coffee, and called Dan's cell. To her shock she no longer even got his voice-mail; instead a recorded voice said "that number is no longer in service"! Her hands shaking, she dialed Diana and begged her to come right over. Diana and she had been close friends since before Susan's marriage. They told each other everything, and Diana was the sole person on earth besides Dr Branden who knew about Susan's affair. As soon as Diana came in, Susan tearfully told her about the computer and about her husband's disappearance. Diana looked shocked. "You kept your emails to Teddy? Susan, what were you THINKING?!" Susan just cried harder. "I know, I know. It was stupid. It was insane! I didn't want them, I never even thought about them. But they were on my old computer, and it was password-protected. The damn thing was down in the basement, and Dan had never used it once in his life! I have no idea what made him go get it, or how he figured out the password." Diana came around to put her arm around Susan, letting her cry until she was a little calmer. Then she said, "well, I guess the why doesn't really matter, does it? What matters is that Dan knows—and he must be very hurt and upset." Susan nodded morosely. "I spent the whole night tossing and turning, thinking about all those messages and how they must have sounded to Dan. Even if I had confessed the affair to him it wouldn't have been so bad—but for him to have to read all the things I wrote to Teddy . . ." She broke off, weeping again. "Diana, I love Dan. I've spent two years trying to make up to him for what I did, and I thought we were doing so well! And now he probably wants to kill me. I know how destroyed, and furious, I would feel if the situation were reversed. "I just have to find him, and ask him to listen to me. Can you help me figure out what to do?" The two women talked for more than hour, considering the possibilities and suggesting plans. Susan agreed that the obvious place to start was to call Dan at work the next day. If he wouldn't talk to her, she could wait in the parking lot and try to catch him when he came out. In the meantime, Susan was going to call Dr. Branden and see her as soon as possible. She was a wreck, and she knew she needed to talk to her therapist about what was going on. As she left Diana said one more thing to Susan. "Honey, remember: after the affair ended you agonized for weeks about whether to tell Dan. Your decision not to tell him wasn't selfish: it was to spare his feelings, knowing that you loved him and wanted him not to be devastated and hurt. And you two were doing so well by then. "Don't forget that. Once you talk to him, maybe you can make him understand." "I know," said Susan unhappily. "But at this point I'm not sure he'll even listen to me. Moving out without a word, without even a note, is hardly a good sign." *************** On Monday, Susan managed to get through her day at school, though she was so distracted even her students noticed. She closed her door as soon as classes were dismissed and called Dan at work. To her horror, the receptionist told her that "Mr. Flood no longer works for the company. No, I'm sorry, he didn't leave a forwarding number or address." In shock, Susan somehow managed to drive home, where she broke down entirely, crying for nearly an hour. Finally it occurred to her to call Sam Evans, Dan's boss. Sam was kind and sympathetic, but unable to help. He confirmed that Dan had quit (keeping the secret that he was actually on leave), and said that Dan had told him about discovering her affair. "I'm sorry for what you're going through, Susan," he said, kindly stopping himself from adding "though you brought it on yourself!" "Dan wouldn't tell me anything about what his plans are. All I can do is promise you that, if I hear from him, I'll tell him you are looking for him." As she got off the phone, Susan began for the first time to comprehend how bad things were. Dan hadn't just left their home; he had walked out on his life. There was no telling where he might be—in a local hotel, in New York, or in South America—and no reason to expect that he'd be coming back any time soon, or at all. She called Diana, and her friend commiserated with her over the phone, letting Susan sob out all her fears and her guilt, trying to be supportive and encouraging but without any good suggestions to make. *************** The week passed slowly for Susan, in a wave of sadness and fear. She went to school and taught the children, cleaned the house, did the grocery shopping. Each night the act of cooking dinner for one made her cry, as did the routine of getting into bed alone, seeing the other side of the bed empty. Her appointment with Dr. Branden was comforting, though the doctor had few concrete suggestions to make. "All you have control over is your own actions, Susan. We can hope that Dan will return, or at least get in contact with you, but that's pretty much up to him." Dr. Branden reminded Susan that her decision not to tell Dan about the affair was a reasonable one, something the two women had discussed together for many weeks. The therapist tactfully refrained from asking why on earth Susan had allowed the incriminating emails to remain on a computer in her house for the last two years—she privately understood that it reflected an unconscious wish on Susan's part to confess and be relieved of her guilt. "Ah, the dangers of ambivalence!" Dr. Branden sighed to herself. On Friday there was a phone message on the machine for Dan: his computer was repaired and he could come pick it up. "That's one mystery solved," Susan thought—at least now she knew why Dan had gone to the basement for her old computer. Susan spent a miserable weekend, most of it alone, growing more and more upset. On Monday she found an investigative agency and paid them $1000 to start looking for Dan, and within two days they called her with a preliminary report. Her husband had bought a plane ticket to Dallas the previous Sunday; the ticket had been picked up at the airport, though there was no evidence that Dan actually boarded the plane. There was no record of credit-card activity in Dallas, or anywhere else for that matter since Sunday. None of Dan's friends or work colleagues would acknowledge that they had seen or heard from him since the previous Friday. In short, the investigator told her, he might or might not be in Dallas; he really might be anywhere. If she wanted the agency to pursue this further, for an additional $1000, they would relay instructions to a firm in Dallas. Frankly, though, he advised her to save her money and sit tight. A better bet would be to have them continue to monitor her husband's credit-card use. The agency would call again as soon as they had any further information. At the next day's session with Dr. Branden Susan began calmly, but within minutes she was crying. "He's gone for good," she kept saying. "I've hurt him terribly, and he's gone, and he wants to make sure to hurt me just as much as I did him!" Dr. Branden didn't have a good answer. Susan's assessment actually seemed pretty accurate to her, though she didn't say so. "Susan, I urge you to maintain a little bit of perspective. Dan has only been gone 11 days. He's had a terrible shock, and he's probably still reeling. It's too soon to make any assumptions about what he is planning to do." As Susan calmed down a little, she and the therapist discussed the conversations they'd had in the summer of 2003. In their initial work together, Dr. Branden had helped Susan understand that her depression had caused her to withdraw from Dan, and that the affair was a self-destructive but not surprising attempt to find the love and consolation she was preventing her husband from giving her. For several weeks Susan had talked about her feelings for Teddy and for Dan, until as her depression receded she was able to see her situation more clearly. It became clear that Teddy meant little or nothing to her: he had offered a shoulder to cry on, and had then taken advantage of her vulnerability to start a sexual relationship. Sex with a new partner had been exciting, but with each therapy session she realized more and more that it was also empty, and that betraying her husband felt more horrible than fun. With Dr. Branden's help she was able to open herself once again to Dan, and bring the affair to an end. The attraction to Teddy didn't instantly disappear, but it became easier to resist. Throughout September and October, after she'd recommitted herself to Dan and their marriage, Susan had wrestled with the question of whether to tell him the truth. Dr. Branden had remained neutral on this point, but had helped Susan see what each course of action might mean. She pushed Susan to examine how she herself would feel if the situation were reversed—if Dan confessed to having had a two-month affair with a co-worker. Susan had been shocked and overwhelmed by the feelings that erupted inside her. The pain she felt, the fury at Dan's betrayal, the sense of emptiness and loss, the blow to her own sense of attractiveness and sexual appeal—all were far stronger than she could have imagined. After being rocked by these feelings just from thinking about Dan cheating on her, she was truly frightened about what the revelation of her affair would do to him. In the end Susan had decided on silence, for two reasons. One was no doubt selfish, as she admitted to the doctor: she didn't want to lose her husband, and feared his reaction if he learned of the affair. But the other was more generous: she didn't want to cause her husband pain. She actually felt an urge to confess to him, but saw that easing her own conscience at the expense of his devastated feelings would be a bad trade. Better that she felt guilty than that he felt destroyed. And although Dr. Branden was careful not to guide Susan towards a decision, the therapist felt privately that Susan's choice to keep the affair a secret was reasonable: above all because she truly loved her husband and was devoted to rebuilding their marriage. In the doctor's experience, revealing the affair was far more likely to lead to divorce than to future marital happiness. By the time Susan ended her therapy that December, she had emerged from her depression, the affair was three months behind her, and her marriage had improved dramatically. Dr. Branden had felt a sense of satisfaction at having helped her patient through a truly difficult period. Now, of course, it had all gone to hell. There was only one small silver lining, Dr. Branden, thought, and it wasn't much. Unlike some cheating spouses, Susan had already faced up to the pain her partner would feel when he learned about her affair. Now that it had happened, she was under no illusions about how catastrophic a blow this would be to Dan. **************************************** **************************************** FIRST MEETING March 28 Dan had to laugh to himself at the irony of his situation. He was in more pain than he'd ever experienced, feeling a deeper sense of loss even than when his parents had died; yet at the same time his life was utterly boring. He spent most of his time in his dingy furnished apartment, reading or watching TV. He did not contact any of his friends, or do anything that might draw attention to himself. Once a day he drove his rented car to Painesville. Cruising slowly past his house, he made sure that Susan's car was gone. Then he parked in a lot about a mile away. Making sure not to be observed, he strolled into the woods and followed a path that led directly to the locked gate of his back yard. He let himself in, then entered the house through the back door and went to the basement, where the voice recorders were hidden behind the oil burner. Being careful to leave no traces of his visit, Dan sat in the kitchen listening to Susan's conversations. He knew everything she'd been doing: her return to Dr. Branden, her talk with Sam Evans, the many hours spent with her friend Diana, and even the investigative agency's so-far fruitless attempts to find him. What did he feel? Dan wasn't sure. There was a sort of grim satisfaction to hear how much Susan was suffering. He wasn't proud of it, but admitted to himself that he was glad she was miserable. She had it coming, didn't she? God knows he was feeling about as miserable as a human being could feel. From a rational perspective, Susan's behavior was everything Dan could have hoped for. She was guilty and terrified. Everything indicated that she loved him, missed him desperately, and wanted only to talk to him and beg for his forgiveness and understanding. She hadn't taken any steps towards divorce, hadn't contacted Teddy—though Dan knew she might have spoken to him at school—and even in her anger at Dan for leaving always made it clear she understood why he had gone. All this might have calmed and reassured Dan—if he had been rational. But he was still feeling like a cannonball had been fired through his heart, and he was a long way from rational. What he learned on his daily visits didn't make things worse, but it didn't do much to make them better either. Dan returned to his apartment to eat, and brood. Sometimes he made idle plans to move to the West Coast—then he dropped them. He knew he wasn't finished with Susan yet. He didn't know when that moment would come, or if it ever would. *************** Towards the end of his third week away Dan called his boss. Sam was delighted to hear from him, and happy to agree when Dan invited him to lunch on Saturday. "I hate to be cloak-and-dagger, Sam, but would you mind just driving to the Wal-Mart on the north side up near the highway overpass, and parking in the lot? I'll come pick you up." Sam agreed, and was mildly amused on Saturday when Dan drove up in his nondescript sedan and took them back to his place in Mentor. They had some sandwiches and a couple of beers, and Dan filled him in on everything that was going on. Long After the Fact Ch. 01 "I'm still totally at loose ends, Sam," he concluded. "I go every day to spy on Susan, feeling like an idiot; and I've got nothing to do here, so there's nothing to keep me from brooding all day long about her goddamn affair." Sam asked carefully, "do you have any idea yet what you want to do, Dan? It seems as though there are two basic choices." Dan sighed. "I know. Part of me thinks that if I really just wanted to say 'Screw her, goodbye', I would be a thousand miles from here by now. On the other hand, I'm certainly not ready to waltz back to her and say, 'hi honey, I'm home!'." He grimaced. "I'm not proud of it, but I'm furious and hurt and I want her to be in pain too." Sam said, "believe me, Dan, she is." He then did something exceptionally kind: he changed the subject, and mused about a technical problem in a new project at work. As he hoped, Dan was instantly interested, and the two chatted for an hour about possible solutions. Before Dan dropped Sam off at his car, the two men had agreed that Sam would email Dan the specs and Dan would work on them, as a free-lance "consultant", from his apartment. Sam promised that they'd work out payment later for Dan's efforts. Dan hardly noticed, but the next week he was markedly more cheerful than he had been. At least he had a project to occupy him, and being productive gave him less time to be miserable. He even cut back on the visits to his home to every other day. *************** It had been exactly four weeks since her return from the cruise, and Susan was beginning to lose hope. The agency had found no sign of Dan, either through credit card receipts or any other way. She didn't know who else to call. Dan had only one brother, in California, with whom he was not at all close; she'd telephoned him but he hadn't even known that Dan had left home. Her sessions with Dr. Branden seemed increasingly to be about preparing her for the worst: that Dan was gone for good. Susan swung back and forth between guilt and rage—guilt for her affair, and rage at Dan for not at least giving her a chance to talk to him, to persuade him how totally she loved him. Her friend Diana had been a great help: endlessly supportive, endlessly patient. They met for coffee or talked on the phone nearly every day, and Diana never seemed to get annoyed at Susan for going over the same ground again and again. That Saturday, Diana said something that shocked and frightened Susan. "Susie, have you given any thought to . . . well, to talking to a lawyer?" Susan knew it was meant in a kind way, but that didn't prevent her from starting to cry. "Diana, how could you? Why not just say to me, 'Dan's never coming home, you'll never see him again, get over it'?" Diana sighed. "I'm not saying that, honey. But you know that it's possible. I don't mean go to a bar tonight and pick somebody up; but I think you have to start looking forward a little bit. You have to have a life, and you deserve to be happy, whether it's with Dan or without him. If he's really left you for good, you need to think about getting a divorce and moving on." Then she sighed again, not saying another word as Susan quietly wept. *************** After 38 days Dan impulsively decided to stay and see Susan. It was a Tuesday, at around 4 pm, and he had just finished listening to the recorders, having learned nothing new except that Diana had mentioned to Susan for a second time that she should speak to a lawyer, and Susan had angrily rejected the suggestion. Dan had no idea what would happen—no idea even what he wanted to say. He put the recorders back in place, sat in the living room and thought, but no plan came into his mind. When he heard Susan's car pull into the driveway at 5:15 Dan rose to his feet. He didn't want to wait inside the house and accidentally frighten her, so he opened the front door and stood waiting. Susan was looking down, fumbling in her purse as she came up the front walk. He said, "hello, Susan". She stopped short, dropping her purse to the ground. "Oh my God—Dan!" She started to run towards him, her arms outstretched; then after a few steps hesitated, clearly unsure as to whether a hug would be welcome. Dan had no interest in being hugged; he came down the steps and began putting Susan's things back into her fallen purse, while she watched him in silence. He stood up and handed her the purse, noting that she was trembling violently. "Why don't you come inside?" he said quietly. Submissively she trailed behind him into the kitchen and sat in a chair he held for her. She was still trembling, and tears were flowing down her cheeks. Without a word he poured a mug of coffee for her, added half a teaspoon of sugar as she liked, and placed it in front of her. Then he waited, watching as she tried to bring the mug to her lips. She couldn't stop looking at him. She was very pale. Finally, just to say something, he said, "how are you?" He could see that she was fighting to keep control. He waited, and she said, "now that you're here, I don't know what to say." Her face was wet with tears, but she ignored them. "I've imagined you back here a million times, Dan, and all the things I prayed I would get a chance to say to you. And now it's just . . . I can't . . ." She squeezed her eyes tightly shut for a moment, then opened them. "Dan, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for my . . . affair . . . and I am so sorry that you found out in this . . . awful way. You're the person I love most in the whole world, the one I most want to care for and make happy, and I . . ." She stopped, and put her face in her hands. The sobs broke forth, and Dan watched her shoulders shake as she wept. "I still love you, you know." Dan's words surprised him as they came out of his mouth. She looked up at him, startled, red-eyed, and he went on. "If I didn't still love you I'd be long gone by now. California, Australia . . ." He waved a hand. "Somewhere you'd never find me." She wiped her eyes with her hands, and managed a weak smile. "Somewhere warmer than here, I bet!" He smiled back at her. Maybe her obvious misery had softened him a little bit—he didn't know. "Dan, I . . . all I want is for you to give me a chance. I want to explain why it happened, and why I never told you. And I want you to ask me a million questions, and yell at me and call me names if you need to . . . "And then I want you to tell me you'll come home—and let me make this up to you. I will, I swear I will. I'll show you every minute of every day how much you mean to me!" She was crying again, looking at him imploringly, her hands clenched into tight fists. "I don't know, Susan," he said, and it rocked her. She sat very still, looking small and frightened. "I've gone back through it over and over—our whole marriage, that awful summer after we lost the baby, then the two and a half years since then, since the day you came back to me." She nodded, knowing he meant that day in late August. "We've been so happy since then," Dan said; "or at least I have, and I always thought you were too. And I know you love me. I've felt like the luckiest husband on the planet. "But now it's like you're a different person. The Susan I thought I was married to couldn't have done what you did. So I must have been married all this time to someone else. And now, it's like I don't even know who you are." Suddenly he started to sing. It made her cry harder, because he had always liked to sing to her when he was happy or affectionate—almost always a Beatles song, it seemed as though he knew every one of them. It wasn't even that his voice was so great, but she loved it because it was him. "I'm looking through you, where did you go? I thought I knew you, what did I know? You don't look different, but you have changed; I'm looking through you, you're not the same." Dan stopped. He had considered going on to the middle eight: "Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right? Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight." But he just stopped; and looked at her, and shrugged his shoulders. They both sat quietly for a minute. Just as impulsively as he'd decided to stay, Dan decided it was time to leave. He stood up, saying only, "I'm going to go, Susan. I'll call you." Susan moved swiftly, desperately, and before he was halfway out of the kitchen she stood in front of him. "Please, baby, don't leave! Please don't . . ." She was overcome by sobs again. Dan let her put her arms around him, and she clung to him like a drowning victim to a life preserver. She cried and cried, and finally he had to peel her arms away. "I'll call you, I promise—in a few days." She looked up at him with ravaged eyes, afraid he was lying to her. "I promise, Susan. I'll call, and I'll see you again." "Baby, can't you please stay? I'll move out of the bedroom if you want. I'll . . ." "No, Susan." He touched her cheek with his hand, gently; and he moved to the door. He needed to be out of the house. He needed to be out in the cold and the wind, with his own thoughts. He was glad he'd held back the angry words that came into his head when Susan held onto him and cried. "Is this how you hung onto Teddy, crying—before you lay down and spread your legs for him?" But not saying them didn't mean he wasn't thinking them. **************************************** **************************************** THERAPY April 18 Dr. Branden looked at her date-book. Susan and Dan Flood were her next appointment. She sighed to herself. This would be their fifth appointment together, and she was beginning to feel pessimistic about the outcome. Three weeks earlier she had been delighted to get Susan's excited phone message. Dan had appeared! He hadn't moved thousands of miles away; he was living in an apartment in Mentor, and he'd come back to see her. They'd talked twice, and Dan had even agreed to come to Susan's therapy appointments with her! Dr. Branden had shared most of Susan's optimism and relief; it had been so long that she didn't really expect Dan to turn up. And his willingness to come to the appointments, and to hear from Dr. Branden and from Susan herself about her depression and the reasons for the affair, was very encouraging. But the sessions didn't seem to accomplish much, she mused. Dr. Branden had worked to make sure that Dan understood the seriousness of Susan's depression that summer, how she was for all practical purposes not in her right mind. She'd used the example of a normally law-abiding citizen who one day robs a bank: the point was that people were capable of completely uncharacteristic, totally illogical behavior when in the grip of such a mental problem. Susan and Dr. Branden had both spoken of the enormous change in Susan during her first few weeks of therapy: how as she began to come out of her depression, Susan began to feel guilt and revulsion at her behavior. Within just a few weeks, she was able to break off the affair with Teddy and rededicate herself energetically to her marriage. Dr. Branden told Dan she had been deeply impressed by Susan's ability to face her mistake and bring the affair to an end quickly and permanently. Then Dr. Branden had reviewed with Dan the lengthy discussions she and Susan had had about whether to reveal the affair to him. Dan needed to understand that Susan's decision had been made not simply for selfish reasons, but to spare him terrible pain. Susan loved her husband; he loved her too, and they both wanted the marriage to succeed; and she knew beyond any doubt that she would never cheat again. Under the circumstances, keeping the affair a secret had been a reasonable, loving choice. To all this Dan had listened politely, attentively, and patiently. He had occasionally asked a question or made a brief comment. But his body language had been closed and self-contained, not involved: he sat back in his chair, crossed his legs, frequently crossed his arms tightly on his chest. He never smiled or laughed, he never sent Susan a warm or sympathetic look. And he never raised his voice, never showed anger at all. He behaved like a man listening to a story that had nothing in particular to do with him. Dr. Branden recognized the obvious fact that Dan was distancing himself from the situation, keeping his feelings of anger and hurt locked deep inside him. And she feared that if they didn't come out soon, he would just quietly, unemotionally slip away, and be lost to Susan forever. The marriage would end—anticlimactically, with no apparent bitterness, but with great pain for both parties. When the couple entered her office she watched them carefully: nothing had changed. Susan was attentive and responsive to Dan, watching which chair he preferred, looking at his expression. Dan was neutral and distant, not bothering to make eye contact, settling back defensively in his chair, his arms folded. "So, Dan," Dr. Branden began, a bit aggressively. "You've been listening for a couple of weeks now, but you haven't had much to say. How are YOU feeling about all this?" There was a pause. Dan gazed neutrally at her. "How am I feeling?" he asked. "Well, let's review the facts, shall we?" His tone was dry, sarcastic. "A couple of years ago I was happily married to the most wonderful woman in the world. Then there was an accident, and our unborn baby was killed. A kid ran out into the middle of the street—no one's fault, nobody to blame. Just an 'act of God' that took our baby from us. Then we learned that Susan could never have children again. "And when I reached out to my wife, to share her grief, to try to find some way we could be happy together again—she wasn't there. She was distant, vague, unreachable. "So I had to grieve by myself. And my sorrow was ten times worse because I thought I was losing my wife at the same time—I thought my marriage was going to be the next casualty of that accident. Susan was drifting away, all my desperate attempts to pull her back were failing, and she didn't even seem to care. "I even thought about divorce. It certainly seemed like she didn't want to be married to me anymore." Dan's tone and body language had changed. He was leaning forward now, speaking intently towards Dr. Branden, with an undertone of powerful feeling. "And then her doctor and I convinced her to come to see you. And it was a miracle, I thought. Within a few weeks she was coming out of her fog. The person that I loved began to reappear. And on that wonderful day in August she reached out to me, apologized for her depression, for being so far away, and showed me she was back. "So we've had two wonderful, loving years. I was so happy! Yes, we'd lost our chance to have children, but I had my wife back! My loving, devoted, generous, beautiful wife. And I felt so lucky, like we'd weathered a terrible storm and come through it safe and sound." He stopped for a moment, collecting himself. His voice had grown more and more passionate. Dr. Branden and Susan both watched him attentively. "And then—and then this! Those damn emails! And I find out it was all a lie. While I was grieving for our baby, fighting with every breath to hold onto my wife, she was spending the summer humping Teddy O'Neill. Writing him emails telling him how much he excited her. 'I've never cum so hard in my whole life! You just turned me inside out.' " Dan's voice had turned colder, and his face glistened with his anger. "All that summer, while I'm being patient, loving, supportive, attentive—and scared to death—Susan's having the wildest sex of her life. And I'm the fool, the cliché, the stupid clueless cuckolded husband. How many times did I kiss her mouth after she came home from sucking his dick?" Susan gasped, but he hardly noticed. "How many times did I get sloppy seconds? Wait, I know the answer to that one: hardly ever, she barely had sex with me the entire summer. Maybe once or twice, Susan?" He turned from Dr. Branden to glare furiously at Susan. She couldn't help but shrink back a little into her chair. "And the last two-and-a-half years have just been one big lie. Susan came back to me, but she didn't exactly tell me the truth, did she? All this time she's had her juicy secret, her hot love affair, tucked away where I'd never know about it, and I still thought I had a faithful wife! "So that's what I'm dealing with, Dr. Branden. Are you surprised? I'm just a wee bit angry, just a tiny bit hurt. Feeling just a little betrayed, slightly humiliated, you know?" He had grown steadily more emotional as he spoke, and was now bursting with fury, his fists clenched, his voice strained. Dr. Branden was fascinated, in a way. It was a carefully rehearsed performance, however unconscious Dan must have been of that fact. He'd clearly been practicing this speech over and over in his head for weeks. "And now you and Susan have been sitting here for two weeks, explaining how she wasn't in her right mind, she was clinically depressed, it wasn't the real Susan behaving like that. OK, fine, you're the doctor, I believe you. But where does that leave me? "My wife cheated on me, betrayed me, had mad hot sex all summer with that asshole right under my nose. But I shouldn't feel angry at her because there's no one to blame, is there? Not Susan's fault, she was 'clinically depressed'! So what then? Tell me! 'It was one of those things'? It was another 'act of God', like the accident? 'No harm no foul'? And just what am I supposed to do with my feelings?" There was silence in the room, except for the sound of Dan's rapid breathing as he leaned forward, his face red. Susan sat huddled in her chair, her face wet with tears. Dr. Branden was inwardly delighted. She knew this outburst had to come, knew that it might be the start of helping Dan get past some of his pain. "What's the worst part of it, Dan?" she asked gently. Dan seemed stunned, both by the question and by the mildness of her response to his anger. He looked baffled for some moments, then sat back in his chair and shrugged slightly. "I don't know," he said quietly. "How do I separate any part of it from the rest? One thing is all the time she's been keeping me in the dark—all the time she's never told me the truth. "For me that day in August was so special! I had my wife back—she loved me again! And now I realize it was all just more deception, more lies." He took a breath, trying to focus his thoughts. Susan drew a breath to speak, but Dr. Branden made a gesture urging her to wait. "And another thing is thinking about all the times Susan and I have made love since then—me thinking only of her and of our pleasure together, her secretly thinking about that asshole, comparing him to me. 'Who's got the bigger cock? Who lasts longer? Who gets me more turned-on, gives me better orgasms?' " Dan was suddenly furious again, almost beside himself. "Oh wait, I guess we know the answer to that question—it's in the emails!" Before Dr. Branden could stop her Susan interrupted. "No, Dan, it's not true! I never compared you to him!" she cried. Dan whirled to face her. "Oh no? Just look at me, my loving wife! Tell me that you never once thought about him while we were fucking! Tell me you never thought about his dick, or the way he moved his hips, or just about how exciting it was to fuck around behind the back of your ignorant, clueless fool of a husband! How can plain old boring marital sex ever compare with that?" The answer was obvious to all three of them—Susan couldn't look him in the eye. She began to cry again, while Dr. Branden wondered how to get the situation back under control. "And then there's YOU, dear Doctor! What kind of shrink tells her patient to lie to her husband, to keep him in the dark about something so important as the fact that his wife has been having an affair for a whole summer? How do you justify your own role in this farce?" Long After the Fact Ch. 02 KIM April 26 The sky was a cloudless blue and the sun's rays reflected off the swimming pool were dazzling. Dan was grateful for his new sunglasses. He was sitting at the poolside bar of a resort in San Diego, drinking a Corona and enjoying the heat of the sun on his shoulders. He had just finished the second day of a lengthy interview at Cygnodyne, a three-year old technology firm that Sam Evans had recommended he look into. "They've got some topnotch people, Dan, and I think in the next five years they're going to make a lot of people rich. If you're serious about getting away from here, that's the first place I'd check out." So Dan, armed with a letter from Sam to one of the Cygnodyne vice-presidents, a friend from graduate school, came out for an interview. He wasn't sure yet that he WAS serious about leaving Ohio; but now, sitting in the sun with his beer, he was pretty sure that if he moved to California he would take the Cygnodyne job. The people were fun and smart, and there were lots of projects on which they could really benefit from Dan's help. Dan suddenly felt a pair of cool hands covering his eyes. Almost at the same moment a teasing voice cooed, "Guess who?", while Dan felt a woman's breasts pressing against his back. A fraction of a second later he caught a whiff of her perfume, which brought back memories from years before. Smiling, he said, "that has to be Kim Roth!" He turned around and gazed into her pretty face, which at that moment was pouting with mock-disappointment. "Damn!" she said, unable to hide her growing smile. "After 16 years, and 2000 miles away from Ohio, and I still can't fool you?" "Well, Kim, you've always been pretty memorable." That got an even bigger smile out of her. Dan stood up, and they shared a long hug. Kim was the younger sister of Dan's first serious college girlfriend, Annette Roth. He'd seen her from time to time when she visited Annette at school, or when Dan went home with Annette over vacations. She'd never concealed her interest in her big sister's boyfriend, and there had been moments when Dan had been sorely tempted! Kim was tall and stacked, blonde and blue-eyed, and very very sexy. In fact she was unquestionably more attractive than Annette. But she had also been giggly and immature, and Dan had always made clear to her that he belonged to the big sister in the family. That hadn't stopped Kim from flirting, though. Dan could remember a couple of times when she'd gotten him turned on enough that he'd had to retreat to a bathroom and quickly jack himself off. Now, he just sat back and admired her. Kim was wearing a turquoise bikini, a small one, and she looked incredible. All around them, both men and women were gazing at her with interest. Kim clearly knew it and was enjoying the attention. "So tell me, Kim Roth—how have you been, and what on earth led to you San Diego?" As he spoke Dan waved to the bartender, and he ordered Kim a drink. "Well, Dan, it's not Kim Roth any more—I'm Kim MacElroy, thanks to that dumb son-of-a-bitch I just divorced." Kim's face turned cold, the pleasure of seeing Dan disappearing from her eyes. "I'm sorry to hear that," Dan replied, genuinely sympathetic. Over the next hour or so, and a couple more drinks for each, Kim and Dan got caught up. Dan gave her the short version of his situation, and she told him in rather more detail about the overbearing, selfish ex-husband she had just put out of her life. He may have been the wrong guy, but it appeared that he had plenty of money, and that Kim was living a life of leisure on the part of it she'd acquired in the settlement. Kim insisted that Dan join her for dinner at La Paloma, her favorite Spanish restaurant in San Diego. Afterwards they drove to a bar she liked with an outdoor terrace overlooking the city, where they talked and enjoyed the view of the city's lights. Dan knew that Kim was coming on to him, and he was deeply torn about what to do. On the one hand, she was even sexier than she'd been as the 16 year-old younger sister of his college girlfriend. He hadn't had sex in more than two months, and Kim's eager availability was almost impossible to resist. On the other hand, he was also realizing that he didn't like Kim very much. As a high school girl, she'd been silly and giggly but also kind of fun. Now, as a 32 year-old divorcée, she seemed bitter and self-absorbed. She spoke nastily about her ex (which of course may have been fully justified), and had hardly a nice word for anyone or anything else in her life. As tempting as she was sexually, Dan knew that he wouldn't want any more to do with her than a quick screw, and he was reluctant to take advantage of her that way. At a little past 11 pm, Kim leaned over and put her hand on Dan's upper arm. Leaning close, she said, "would you like to see my place, Dan? I have a beautiful view of the city from my bedroom window." She smiled slowly and added, "we can have a nightcap there—what do you say?" Carefully choosing a white lie, Dan replied, "God, Kim, I sure am tempted! But it's been a long day, and I'm really fading! I've got to be back at Cygnodyne at 8am tomorrow—can we take a rain-check?" She sat back abruptly, looking hurt and annoyed. But all she said was, "sure, Dan. Let's do it another time." On the drive back to Dan's hotel Kim was nearly silent, and he knew that he'd hurt her feelings. But he was also sure that he'd made the right decision and avoided a worse mistake. It wasn't even about being faithful to Susan, though she was always in his mind. It was more about not sending the wrong message to someone he knew he didn't want to be involved with. When Kim pulled up in front of the hotel, she said coldly, "well, Dan—great to see you." He turned and took her hands. "Kim, please don't read me wrong. I am very attracted to you—probably more than you realize! But everything with Susan is all mixed-up in my head right now. I wish I could forget all about her, and just jump on your bones!" He grinned at her. "But I'm just...well, it's all tangled up in my mind. I'm sorry." Kim smiled warmly at him, and Dan saw that he'd said the right words. "It's okay, baby," she said, stroking his cheek with one hand. "But the next time you're out here I'll expect you to make up for it!" Their evening ended with few warm, friendly kisses, with just a little bit of teasing tongue in them. Dan headed up to his room aroused but relieved—he knew he'd done the right thing. **************************************** **************************************** HOME AGAIN May 2 Susan sat in Dr. Branden's waiting room, wondering whether Dan would appear for their session. She hadn't seen him in two weeks—since his angry outburst in the therapist's office, he had neither called nor answered her calls to him. Since that time he had missed three appointments with her and Dr. Branden. A week earlier, Susan had talked to Sam Evans. To her horror, Sam told her that Dan was out in California, interviewing for a job in San Diego. "Is he really going to move out there?" she asked him, clutching the phone tightly. "I don't know, Susan. I'm not even sure Dan knows. It's a good company, and they'll probably make him an offer. But I have no idea what Dan is planning to do." Susan had spent the past week feeling more and more unhappy. During the five terrible weeks before Dan first reappeared, she had clung to the hope that if she could only see him again, only persuade him of her love and total commitment to him, her remorse for the affair, he'd come back into her life. But the therapy sessions that made little progress; then his passionate, furious words in their fifth session; and now this two-week absence, all left her as frightened as she'd ever been. Diana was continuing to be a great friend, coming over for coffee or talking to her on the phone for hours; but Diana's increasing anger at Dan wasn't helping matters any. "Look, Susan," she'd said the other day. "He's been jerking you around for weeks now! I know you love him, but you've said you're sorry, you've done everything you can to make it up to him. What the hell does he want? "If you ask me it's time to show him what he might be losing. You don't have to wait for him to divorce YOU, you know. And you don't have to stay home alone every night, either." Susan sighed to herself. It was all fine for her friend Diana to talk to her about considering a divorce, or starting to date again—but she felt as though her choices were Dan or a lifetime of loneliness. The idea of another man in her life was unimaginable. Just as Dr. Branden opened her door and invited Susan to enter, the hall door opened and Dan rushed in, a little out of breath. He smiled at the two startled women and said, "sorry, couldn't find a parking space. I hope I'm not late?" When they'd settled in the office, Dr. Branden said, "Dan, I'm glad you've come back. We have missed you the last two weeks." "I'm sorry—to both of you." He looked over to Susan. "After . . . after the last time, I just needed some time away—time to think. I flew out to California for a few days, had a job interview, considered my options. "Susan, I should have called you, and I'm sorry. But I'm here now, and I was hoping I could begin the session?" Both women were looking at him in some surprise. The change in his appearance was remarkable. Aside from having a nice tan, Dan seemed relaxed and open. His facial features weren't pinched tight, and his body language suggested much more comfort with himself than anything Dr. Branden had ever seen in him. "By all means, Dan, why don't you go ahead?" Dan turned to Susan and looked intently at her. "Honey, I had a lot of time to think while I was away, and it's been really helpful." He recounted his successful interview with Cygnodyne and their job offer. He talked about how beautiful and appealing the San Diego area was—"especially compared to Ohio winters!", he said with a laugh—and then he went on to talk, more seriously, about his encounter with Kim. "I don't think you ever met her, Susan. She's Annette Roth's younger sister, she always had kind of a crush on me while I was dating Annette." Dan spoke openly about his evening with Kim, her interest in him, and his decision not to go to bed with her. His face was serious, but he spoke with energy and purpose. "The fact that she was offering herself to me—sex on a silver platter, with a very attractive woman—made me realize that sex alone wasn't what I wanted. I could never have had a relationship with Kim, and I didn't even want to think about starting one—with her or anyone else. "It took a couple more days, Susan—a couple of days of wrestling with myself—but I realized that I want to be with you." He looked directly at her. "I know it will be very difficult for us. Well, for me at least. I have a lot of anger inside me, and it may be a long time before I feel I can completely forgive you, and trust you again. But I want us to try." Dan sat back in his chair. Both he and Dr. Branden looked at Susan and waited for her response. Dr. Branden couldn't have been more delighted by his words and his new open attitude. Susan found herself trembling, and knew vaguely that there were tears on her cheeks. She'd listened to Dan's story with increasing, almost unbearable tension, and now the words burst out of her before she had even a moment to think about what she was saying. "Oh, how nice for you, Dan! You've thought about it, you've had your time on the beach to consider, and now you're going to do me the honor of giving me another chance! "After disappearing for more than a month, after tearing my heart out, leaving me to cry over you—then after vanishing again for two MORE weeks and jetting off to California without a word—now you're going to bestow your lofty forgiveness on ME? "That's just lovely! How noble of you! How kind! And of course you expect I'll just fall into your arms, weeping with gratitude? 'My lord and master is taking me back!' "Well fuck you! You're going to forgive me? How about asking whether I'm willing to forgive you, for the cruel way you disappeared on me?" Susan continued to hurl angry words at Dan, her face growing red, her voice approaching a shout. He looked utterly nonplussed. Dr. Branden tried to cut in at one point, saying, "Susan, I'm not sure you're being fair about what Dan said . . ." But Susan cut her off. "Dr. Branden, I heard the same thing you heard! He's going to take pity on me, the poor sinner, and raise me up! He's going to give me the chance to crawl on the floor in abject surrender, lick his boots until he thinks I've suffered enough, and then maybe allow me to be his wife again!" She went on another few minutes, finally subsiding into a furious silence, her chest heaving. Dr. Branden wasn't fast enough. She knew she had to take control of the situation, help Dan absorb the unexpected blow, but he spoke before she could gather her thoughts. "Well, Susan," he said, very quietly. "I had no idea you felt that way." He waited a moment, then continued. "If you're not interested in getting back together, I guess I'll take that San Diego job." Before either woman could respond he rose and walked to the door. "I'll get the rest of my things out of the house in the next few days. You should probably find a lawyer, so we can work out how we're going to handle the financial stuff." "Dan, you should stay and let us discuss this..." the doctor began. But without another word, Dan left the office. Dr. Branden turned to Susan, who was sitting frozen, her mouth hanging open. She looked utterly shocked and miserable. After a moment she burst into tears and was soon sobbing, her face buried in her hands. "What did I do?" she wailed. "He offered to give me another chance and I yelled at him—I chased him away! What the hell is wrong with me?" Abandoning professional detachment, the therapist knelt by Susan's chair and held her, feeling the tears roll down Susan's cheeks onto her arms. She said nothing, instead waiting many minutes until her patient grew calmer. Finally, Dr. Branden returned to her chair and began to speak. "Susan, I'm so sorry about what just happened. Sorry because I didn't anticipate it, and wasn't fast enough to help Dan understand it. I didn't expect him to jump up and leave so quickly." Susan was still sniffling. "But why DID I attack him like that? I didn't mean all those horrible things. I want him back! That's all I want!" She resumed crying, quietly. Dr. Branden began to speak, gently but with authority. "Susan, the big problem here—aside from the obvious one of adultery—is one of timing. I've never seen a situation like this before, where you and Dan are so far out of sync. "For you, the affair is a painful episode from the past. You feel guilt and remorse about it, but much less than you did two years ago. Our work together helped you understand your behavior, put it in the context of your depression, and—to a great extent—you were able to forgive yourself. Above all, by re-dedicating yourself to Dan and your marriage, you were able to atone for it in your own mind. "But for Dan it's still brand-new, a gaping wound in his heart, an enormous blow to his self-confidence and sense of masculinity. As much as you and I know that the affair was a product of your depression, for Dan it's a direct rejection of him as a man. And a further cause of his anger is his feeling that you lied to him for so long—you kept this secret from him. "Conversely, you are much more aware than he is of the pain he's caused you over the past three months. I'm sure he'd admit that his disappearance was partly to cause you suffering, as it did. But while for you that pain is uppermost right now, for him it's a small detail, compared to the pain he feels about your affair. "For Dan it is perfectly reasonable to feel that what has to happen is him forgiving you. But you are only human—of course you're angry about how he's treated you since February." "But that doesn't mean I should have torn into him like that!" Susan replied tearfully. "You were honestly expressing how you felt at that moment," Dr. Branden said. "If I'd been faster, I could have helped Dan understand that it was only part of what you were feeling. I will do my best to do that at our next session. "He won't be back," Susan said bleakly. "I know what he's like. He just made a decision—he's leaving and he won't change his mind." Dr. Branden felt uneasy. "Then you and I will just have to keep reaching out to him until he listens." **************************************** **************************************** PACKING June 5 Dan sat with Sam amidst the clutter of half-filled boxes in the living room of his apartment. They clinked beer bottles and drank. "So the job offer was really that good? I'm impressed." "I was surprised too, Sam. You must really have told some whoppers about me in your letter," Dan said with a laugh. "I'll be making almost 30% more than I was, plus there's the mortgage allowance if I find a place to buy out there. But for now I'm just going to rent an apartment, until I get to know the area." They talked some more about the job, the technical challenges of the work Dan would be doing, and all the ways in which life in San Diego would differ from that in northern Ohio. "I'm going to miss you, Sam," Dan said seriously. "I couldn't have had a better friend, let alone boss. Thank you for helping me so much during the past few months." "Well, now I wish I hadn't written such a great letter," Sam responded with a smile. "I can get by without you at work, but losing my best friend is another matter." "You just have to promise to come visit. The weather is incredible, and the beaches are absolutely beautiful. I've never seen so many well-filled bikinis in all my life." There was silence, as they each dug into the pizza. Then Sam said, seriously, "and what about Susan? Are you sure it's over?" "Last time I saw her, Sam, in a therapy session, she really ripped me a new one. I'd been so cruel, I abandoned her, I was asking her to humiliate herself. I just don't need to hear any more of that shit." Dan's eyes were hard as he gazed out the window. "Have you spoken to her since then?" "No. I went back to the house the other day to pack up the things I'd left behind when I moved here. But I picked a time when I knew she'd be at work. I was in and out in three hours." "And hasn't she been calling you? She's spoken to me twice, Dan, asking me to let you know she wants to talk to you." Dan sighed. "Yeah, Sam, she's been calling me. But what's the point? She's the one who screwed around on me, and now I'M supposed to be apologizing to her? "I'll be honest with you—I haven't stopped loving her. But if she can't love me enough to understand what she's put me through, then..." Sam sat a moment. Finally he said, carefully, "Dan, I would never say anything to you except out of friendship. I hope we will always be friends, and that my giving you my two cents now won't piss you off. "But I think you need to talk it out with Susan before you leave. It sounds like there's still a lot of unfinished business between you." *************** At 9 pm, as Dan was using strapping tape to close up some of the boxes, his doorbell rang. To his surprise, standing in front of him in the hallway was Dr. Branden. "Hello, Dan. I hope you won't mind my barging in for a few minutes. You haven't returned my calls, and I know you haven't returned Susan's either." "That's all right, Dr. Branden—please come in." He ushered her to the couch. "Pardon the mess, as you can see I'm in the middle of packing." Long After the Fact Ch. 02 "I'll just stay a few minutes and then leave you alone, Dan. But I have two things to say about your situation with Susan, and I think it would be a tragedy if you went off to San Diego without at least hearing them. "First: do you realize that you and she have never really talked, not even once, since you discovered her affair? You've listened to Susan and me, and then you had your say in one session; and last time Susan lashed out at you and you got up and left. But the two of you have never had a true conversation about what has happened, how each of you feels about it, and what you each hope for now." She looked at him expectantly, perhaps thinking he would be surprised by her words. Instead he smiled, a little uncertainly. "Actually, Dr. Branden, a friend of mine said just the same thing to me this afternoon. And I see your point." Encouraged, she went on. "Here's the other thing: you and Susan are out-of-sync, in a way I've never seen before. Usually the partner who's had the affair and the partner who's been cheated upon have to deal with their problem simultaneously. It's intensely painful, but at least the two parties can normally understand what the other is going through. "But this situation is different, Dan." She leaned forward, looking at him intently, and explained to him what she had told Susan weeks before. Dan listened attentively, if noncommitally. She had no idea what he was thinking. When she finished he sat for a few moments, then got to his feet. "Thank you for coming, Doctor. You've given me something to think about, and I promise that I will turn it over in my mind." "I hope you'll do more than that, Dan. I hope that you'll reach out to Susan, or let her reach out to you, one more time." **************************************** **************************************** CONVERSATION June 8 Susan had been planning it ever since Dan had called and agreed to come home for a talk. She knew how she wanted to be: she wanted to be sorry but dignified. She would not grovel or beg. And she knew she'd need something to do with her hands. She did two loads of laundry, and had them sitting in baskets in the living room. She folded 5-6 items and began a pile, then left the rest sitting until he arrived. "Hello, Dan, thank you for coming." "Hi, Susan." He followed her into the living room and sat in the big armchair; she went to the sofa facing him, and resumed folding laundry. "Dan, I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for blowing my top at you during our last session with Dr. Branden, and I'm sorry beyond words for what...for my affair with Teddy O'Neill. It was an awful thing, the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I would give anything to undo it." There was silence. She waited, and folded a shirt. Finally she said, "I hope you're going to tell me you're sorry too, for the way you've hurt me since February." She watched him stiffen a little, but his voice was calm. "Well, Susan, I guess I am sorry—at least a little. When I vanished like that, there's no question that I wanted to devastate you, to make you feel some of the agony that I was feeling. To give you the sensation of your whole world collapsing—because that's what happened to mine. "Finding those emails—I don't know what to say, exactly. It tore my heart out. It made a lie out of everything I believed about you and me, and our marriage. It even made a lie out of that day when you came back to me, when I thought we had a marriage again." "Dan, we DID have a marriage again," she began; but he cut her off. "I don't think you'll EVER understand how hurt and angry I feel. I know you've thought about it, talked to Dr. Branden about it, imagined being in my shoes. But you're NOT in my shoes." She nodded, looking calmer than he expected. "I know that, honey. I did try to imagine it, back when I was in therapy with her. I gave myself visions of you and—what's the name of Sam's old secretary, with the big chest?" "Karen—" "visions of you and Karen in bed together: you on top of her, her...doing you with her mouth, you sucking her breasts, or, you know, taking her from behind. It hurt like crazy; I could hardly breathe sometimes, thinking about someone else touching you and being with you like that. But I knew it wasn't real, and I will never claim that I truly feel the pain of what I did to you. "But there's something else, too—I wasn't in my right mind. Clinical depression isn't just being a little sad, you know. I was mentally ill when I cheated on you with Teddy. I did something that I would never, ever have done otherwise. "I'm not trying to duck responsibility for it, to say 'it wasn't me'—it WAS me. I did it, and I am so sorry! But I'm reminding you about my mental illness because you need to be able to believe that nothing like that will ever happen again." They sat for a while. She hoped he'd speak again, but he didn't. She folded a pillowcase. "There's another problem, baby, as you know. It was nearly three years ago now, and I'm much more 'over' this than you are. For you it's like it only happened four months ago. "But there's a good side to that too, I think." He cocked his head, with a little smile that looked interested but skeptical. Encouraged by the reaction she went on. "One of the things you must be feeling—I know I would be feeling it—is 'she's destroyed my trust in her—how the hell can I ever trust her again?' "But I've spent the past two-and-a-half years earning your trust again, proving to you how sorry I am for what I did, how much I love you, and how much you can count on me." He looked at her hard. "But I've been an unsuspecting husband most of that time. You've had your dirty little secret, and been lording it over me ever since that summer. "How do I know you haven't been fucking around with other people behind my back? Or even Teddy again, for old times' sake?" The last words had a bitter tone. Susan regarded him steadily. "What does your gut tell you, Dan? I have been completely faithful, completely yours, since the day I ended it with Teddy. I haven't touched or kissed another man—hell, I haven't looked at another man. When you look inside yourself, does that feel true to you or not?" She gazed at him, unflinching. After some time he glanced away, then back at her, a slightly sheepish look on his face. "Yes, Susan. That feels true to me. I believe you." "Okay then. So for nearly three years I've been faithful, loving, affectionate—and we've been really good together in bed, wouldn't you agree?" He returned the smile that appeared on her face. "Not to minimize in any way the pain you feel about my affair—but isn't that exactly what you would have wanted from me, back then, if you'd found out?" "Yes, I guess so," he said; and then, more roughly, "if I hadn't just thrown you out on your ass!" "Yes, of course," she replied, calmly; "if you hadn't just thrown me out on my ass. "And we'll never know if you would have done that; though I sort of hope you wouldn't have, given how shaky I was at the time." *************** They talked on, into the afternoon. A thousand times Susan was grateful for her laundry, for something to do besides just look at Dan and want to bury herself in his arms. His distance and his self-contained manner were unbearably painful to her. "He's talking, at least he's listening and talking," she kept saying to herself. And later, when Dan grew emotional, when his voice rose to a shout and he started to pace the room, fighting back tears, she kept telling herself, "this is okay, this is good—he's opening up to me, he's letting it out", all the while his pain and hurt rained down on her, the words stinging and wounding. It got really bad when he brought up Teddy. "I am going to make that son-of-a-bitch pay," said Dan angrily. "Why, Dan? It's me you're angry at—why can't you just leave him out of it?" Dan stared at her, his face reddening. "Leave him out of it? The fuckhead who seduced my wife, at a time when she was incredibly vulnerable? Seduced her, took advantage of her sorrow and depression, fucked the hell out of her all summer long, and maybe killed our marriage? Are you out of your fucking mind?!" "Dan, it was..." She didn't know how to reach him. "Dan, it was three years ago. After it...ended, between us, he has always been completely professional. He's never bothered me again, never been anything but a helpful assistant principal." "How nice for him! And how nice for me, Susan, that you take his side! "Well let me make something clear to you: I am going after Teddy O'Neill, with you or without you. You can decide which of us is more important to you, and whose side you're on!" After that there was quiet. The storm ended, the laundry was long since folded, and they both seemed exhausted. Susan didn't know where things stood, and was afraid to ask. Was he about to say, "okay, we've talked, now goodbye"? She had more questions, above all about whether he was absolutely committed to the San Diego job—but it felt too scary to ask. The silence lengthened, both of them lost in their own thoughts. Susan heard Dan draw breath to speak, and she practically squeaked with fear. "Listen," he said. "This has been hard, and tiring. Do you want to go get some dinner, and we can maybe talk some more?" **************************************** **************************************** CONFRONTATION June 14 When Dan walked into his office, Teddy O'Neill stood to greet him. The Vice-Principal didn't recognize him at first. It wasn't until Dan said, "Mr. O'Neill, I'm Dan Flood, Susan's husband," that Teddy began to feel uneasy. "Of course, Mr. Flood, nice to see you," he replied, ushering Dan to a chair. "What can I do for you?" "Why don't you take a look at these?" Dan replied, handing Teddy a pile of papers. Teddy began to read; after a moment he started, and looked up into Dan's stern eyes. "Is there a problem, Mr. O'Neill? You look a bit pale." Dan's voice was cold and sarcastic. "Where did you get these?" said Teddy, his voice shaky. "They're all printouts from my wife's old computer. Bad luck for you, she seems to have kept your entire correspondence, all 78 messages back and forth. And before you let your imagination run away with you, I assure you that there are several other copies of these, in safe places. Shredding these, or even having me done away with, won't solve your little problem." There was a silence, as Teddy flipped through the pages without really seeing them. His quick glances were enough to confirm what Flood was telling him—his whole affair with one of his teachers was laid out in black and white. How the fuck could she have been so stupid? While he was searching desperately for a way out of this, Dan spoke. "I thought that perhaps your wife might want to see these." Frantically, Teddy responded, "why should she care? We weren't married then." "Yes, but how will she feel when she learns that you seduced one of your subordinates, at a time when she was grieving for a dead child? Not very classy, was it, Teddy," Dan said ironically, shaking his head. "But I imagine that it's your superiors in the school system who would be the most interested in these, don't you think?" Teddy just stared at Dan. He could feel the sweat dampening his shirt. What the fuck did this bastard want? His mind foggy, he said, attempting a stern tone, "Mr. Flood. I assume there's something you want. Why don't you just tell me what it is." Dan grinned broadly. "You almost read my mind, Teddy—but not quite. I had planned to blackmail you with these, make you sweat and grovel. Because I know you'd give anything to keep this sordid little affair a secret, and not let it wreck your career. "Unfortunately for you, I changed my mind. There's not a thing I want from you. So you don't have to worry about being blackmailed. This morning I sent a copy of these to your wife at work, and copies to the Principal, the Superintendent and the School Board. They also got a bonus—I've filed a civil suit for sexual harassment and infliction of emotional distress. My lawyer says that should be worth quite a lot of money. But somehow I doubt it's going to do you any good around here, Teddy." Gasping, Teddy said, "what about your wife? That lawsuit is going to put her in a pretty embarrassing position." "First of all, since she was the victim I got a restraining order preventing any party to the suit from revealing her name to anyone. And second, she wasn't the one who violated all the School Board's regulations and had sex with a subordinate, was she now, Teddy? "So I don't think that Susan will be any obstacle. In fact, if you look at the last page of that little pile, you'll see it's an affidavit in which she attests that those emails were indeed sent between the two of you." Teddy's face was bright red; he gripped the arms of his chair as if to break them off. "If you're...not going to blackmail me, why the hell are you here?" Dan smiled again, a smile of pure pleasure. "I just wanted to give you a heads-up, that's all. And give myself the treat of seeing your face when you learned that a shitstorm the size of Montana was headed your way. "Take care, Teddy!" said Dan as he headed for the door. **************************************** **************************************** SAN DIEGO June 30 Dan came in the door, dropped his briefcase and headed straight for the fridge. He grabbed a Corona and returned to the living room. Picking his way through the morass of furniture and half-unpacked boxes, he settled with a sigh in his favorite easy chair. Damn, what a week! He loved the job so far, but the first week on any new job is hard work, and this one had certainly lived up to expectations. The project they'd assigned him turned out to be three times as complex as the way it had been described during his interviews, and he had to assign parts of it to his new team while getting to know them and their strengths and weaknesses. It had been invigorating, but now Dan was wiped. He drank his beer and concentrated on letting every muscle relax. Footsteps sounded from the other room, and then Dan felt two hands gently massaging his weary shoulders. "Rough week?" He tilted his head back and smiled up at her. "A great week, actually—I'm going to love working there. But the project they've got me on is going to be a bear." Still rubbing his shoulders, she bent and kissed the top of his head. "Well I've got some good news. Do you want to hear it now, or shall I let you alone for a little while to get more of that beer inside you?" "No, come tell me now." Dan took her hand and pulled her around to the front of the chair, where she nestled happily in his lap. Laughing, she grabbed the beer from his hand and took a big swig, then gave it back. "You know I had my appointment at the Board of Education offices this morning. Well, it turns out there are more than a dozen vacancies for fifth and sixth grade, including three at Boyer Elementary just four blocks from here. I have an interview next week with the principal at Boyer. The Assistant Superintendent seemed very impressed with my resume, and he hinted pretty strongly that they'd be happy to have me." "That's fantastic, Susan. Do you want to go out to celebrate? I'd need to shower first, though—I'm a mess." "I've been unpacking boxes all afternoon and I'm pretty filthy too. How about we shower together, and then decide whether we want to do our celebrating in a restaurant or in the bedroom?" *************** They made love slowly, tenderly, with the late afternoon light streaming in across the bed, with their wet hair dampening the pillows—not because they were tired, just because there seemed to be plenty of time, and no reason to hurry. When they were done, Dan held Susan close against him, kissing her cheek or her hair from time to time. He said, "you are marvelous, you know that? I can't tell which I love more, being inside you or when you take me in your mouth like that." Susan laughed. "Good thing you don't have to choose just one, then, huh?" Then she looked more seriously at him. "When you're inside me, or when I'm sucking you, and we're looking into each other's eyes—you know what I'm thinking?" She laughed again. "Not all the time—I mean, sometimes I'm just really turned-on! But what I'm thinking is, thank you Dan. Thank you for loving me, and for this second chance. And I'm trying to say it with my body, with my mouth on you or my arms around you. Thank you, baby." He looked away. She watched his face, and waited. "I still get angry sometimes—very angry, and it scares me." She waited some more, and finally he said, "it used to be so easy, you know? I just loved you, and I knew you loved me, and that was it. It was easy. No doubts, no worries. "And now it's not so easy, some of the time. It's hard as hell." He looked at her, not angrily but seriously. "It hurts so much sometimes, you know? Thinking of you and him. Imagining you with him...in bed, all those times. Thinking of me, not knowing, all that summer, and for nearly three years since then." She was frightened again, and it took her a long time to ask the question. "Are you sorry you asked me to come out here with you, Dan?" "No," he said, smiling down at her. "No, Susan, I'm not. Not even a little bit." He gave her a long, gentle kiss. "It's just that it's gonna take time, that's all." "Well," she said, "we have plenty of that. All the time in the world. And you're gonna get all the love in the world from me, too. I promise you that." "I believe you," he said. *************** [Author's Note: Nearly all of this story was written several months ago, so any resemblances to elements in other recently posted stories are coincidental. The original inspiration for this story comes from a wonderful (but quite different) story by juanwildone called "The Tick Bites Again".]