90 comments/ 226755 views/ 26 favorites A Day Early Ch. 02 By: thecelt Tom & Julie After Tom left that night, I just sat on the couch not moving or thinking. I think now, looking back, that I was in shock. My husband had just walked out on me and I said nothing to stop him. I actually just smiled at him as I told him that I had been cheating on him and that he knew it. For some reason I expected him to get angry and cry and wail and plead with me to stay and work everything out. That isn't what happened. When Tom looked at me after I said my piece, I could see anger and pain in his eyes. As he spoke, I could hear the sadness in his voice and the words were delivered in a manner dead and devoid of any love. I don't know what I had expected but this was not it. I listened and as he spoke, my mind seemed to awaken from a deep, dark place. A place it had been for the past year or more. I tried to focus on his face and I heard snatches of words as he spoke. I heard words like divorce, whore, custody, and others: words that had no meaning. Why was he saying these things? What had I done to make this man so angry with me? I tried to focus on what he was saying but I couldn't hold onto the words: they kept slipping away. I knew that something really bad had happened but I didn't know what at that moment. Tom left the room while I just sat there with an arrogant smile on my face. I was still angry but I didn't know why or what. I honestly believe that I had gone just a little insane at that point and as I try now to remember what I was thinking or feeling, it is all still a blank. Tom came out of the bedroom with an overnight bag and said he was going to his parent's place for the night. He said he would be filing divorce papers in the morning. With that he walked out of my life. I do remember feeling that my world had collapsed and I remember beginning to recall some snatches of what I had done. I know that I began to panic and to feel something for the first time: remorse and guilt. Other feelings that I had not had for some time came crashing into my consciousness with a vengeance. I know that drove me over the edge for a while. I remained on that couch for almost 12 hours. I alternately cried, raged, slept and cried some more. In between crying, I raged at the things that I had done and cried because I didn't know why. I was angry with Tom and then I tried to remember why I was mad at him and no answers came. I remembered being angry a lot but not why. The more I tortured myself with my actions of the last year or more, the less I understood the reasons for actions that seemed so bizarre: actions that I would never have countenanced from Tom. Actions that drove me away from the little girl that I loved more than my own life. That was one of the more bizarre things that I could not explain. As I considered the things that I had done, things that had cost me my marriage and my little girl, I realized that I needed help. I was sick, of that I was sure. Regardless of what happened from this point forward, I needed to understand why I had acted as I had. To not know why I had done these things was not acceptable. As I became aware of my surroundings, I noticed that it was early afternoon. I was confused since the last I remembered it was late at night. Tom had just gotten home, and... Then I remembered. I got up from the couch and went into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and almost didn't recognize the woman I saw there. My mascara had run from my tears. That was the first shock since I rarely wore mascara. More importantly, my makeup looked like that of a streetwalker: heavy mascara, red lipstick and false eyelashes. Who the hell was that person? It wasn't me. I also noted that I had on no panties or bra. Then I remembered why. I had actually been fucking another man in our bed! At that realization, everything came flooding back and I collapsed to the floor and just sat there in a daze. I must have sat there the better part of the day since I again became aware setting on the bathroom floor with the setting sun coming in the portal window over the tub. I got painfully up and washed the makeup from my face and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I put on just enough lipstick to make me look human and dressed in jeans and an oversized T-shirt. I looked like a boy. That was OK with me. Boys weren't whores! I left the bathroom and called John Williams, my boss at his home. "John, it's Julie. Sorry about not coming in to work today or letting you know. I won't be in Monday and I need to ask you to give me some medical leave. I know it's short notice, but I am really sick and I need to get help." I know my voice trembled but I had to begin this now. "Julie, you sound terrible. Is there anything I can do to help?" "Yes, John. You can give me the name of a good shrink. I desperately need one to tell me what is wrong with me." I didn't mean to involve John in my problems but at this point, I had no one else to turn to. "Julie, where are you? Are you at home? Is Tom with you? Julie, please talk to me." "Tom has left me and I have been here at home for the past day trying to understand how my life has gone to hell." I was now sobbing into the phone. I was totally lost and I knew my life was out of control. "Stay right there. I will be over in about 15 minutes." John hung up before I could say anything. I thought about Aunt Sophie. I wondered if I could stay with her for a while. It wasn't fair to Tom and Rachael to make them stay somewhere else. This was their home. I was the one that fucked up so they should not have to pay. That was the first time in a long time that I had actually thought of either of them before myself, but I was concerned about what I would tell Aunt Sophie. I wasn't sure I could tell her the truth about what I had done because I couldn't answer the questions she was sure to ask. I decided I had to call. This was hard but it was the most important thing in the world to me at that time: to do the right thing for Tom and Rachael! I had to do this while I still could! I went to the kitchen and called while I had the courage. "Hi, Aunt Sophie. It's me. I really need a place to stay for a while. I need to be away from here for a few days. Can I come stay with you?" To my surprise, Aunt Sophie did not even ask me any questions. She simply told me to come whenever I wanted and to stay as long as I liked. She would be there for me for whatever I needed. Her kindness was almost painful. Everyone I talked with wanted only to help me. John Williams, my boss was on his way to help. Aunt Sophie only wanted to be there for me. No questions asked. The last words Tom said to me as he left for his trip were words encouraging me to get help or to talk to someone. Even as he left me Thursday night, he said he would be fair to me and would pay for my lawyer. And I? I had lied and cheated on all of them. I lied to John by pretending to see clients while I fucked Richard. I lied to Tom when I told him I had done nothing to jeopardize our marriage. I had broken my vows to him and to God. I had not told Aunt Sophie the truth about needing her. Overall, my record was perfect. Lying, cheating and ignoring my own daughter. I waited for John to get here. I would start with the truth, telling him every thing that had happened from the time I started back to work. I would take it from there. ***** After I walked out on Julie Thursday night, I got in my car and opened the garage door. I just sat there for a few minutes, breathing hard and trying to get my feelings under control. I was shaking so badly I didn't want to chance driving. By the time the garage door was open I had started to cool down. I started the car a few minutes later and backed out of the garage. I wasn't sure where I was going to stay, but I decided to go to mom and dad's place in the city, at least for the night. I put in a call to dad and told him I would be there in a few minutes. As I drove to their home, I thought back over the past hour. What I saw as I turned on the light was a shock, but not a total surprise. I knew something was wrong but I had honestly believed that Julie would never do anything like that. To see her in bed with another man was the worst thing I could have conceived of. How could she do that to me: fucking another man in our bed. In the same bed where our daughter was conceived: where we had spent the best part of our married life. The degree of betrayal that encompassed was inconceivable to me. This must have been the reason behind the lack of lovemaking for so long. She must have been fucking this guy behind my back for the past year or so. At that thought, a shock went through me, the second of the night. Was Rachael even my daughter? That thought made me pull over to the side of the road and spill my guts out the open door of the car. I heaved my airline peanuts and orange juice over the guardrail of a dark, lonely side road. A fitting metaphor for my life at this point. As I sat there trying to get a handle on every thing, I realized that unless this was not her first lover, there was no chance that this asshole was Rachael's biological father. I had recognized him as he grabbed for his clothes as the punk kid Julie worked for at the bank. I knew he had only been hired after she left for maternity leave. So, he was out. That left the rest of the time at the bank. I didn't think John Williams would have been in the dark if Julie had been having an affair after we were married. She had worked for him ever since graduating from college. He and I had played golf together. John would not have kept me in the dark if he suspected anything. As a matter of fact, a phone call to John should be on my list of things to do. If Richard was Julie's boss, and he was screwing her, that was sexual harassment and the bank could be in deep shit if I wanted to press the issue. Yes, a call to John was in order. I pulled in to my parent's place and saw that dad had left the porch light on over the front door. I grabbed my overnight and went up the steps. My father opened the door as I did. He just reached for the overnight and stood aside for me to enter. "I told Helen to just go back to sleep and let you and I talk. She didn't like it, but I told her that we needed to talk first, man-to-man. She'll accept that." He took the overnight and put it into the spare room. Rachael had her own room here that dad had fixed up for her shortly after Julie went back to work. He was glad to do it and mom loved the idea. Julie had never commented on it. "Dad, I want to tell you every thing, and for my own sanity, I have to do it tonight. I will start by saying that Julie and I have parted ways and I don't think that we can work things out." I dropped down into the comfortable chair that was moms when she was watching TV. I realized how tired and mentally exhausted I was. It had been an intense 24 hours for me, ending with the collapse of my world. Tough for anyone to take. "Son, I hear what you are saying but I don't think any decisions made at this time are going to be very good ones. Why don't you wait till tomorrow for any decisions: when you are rested and can think clearly?" "You're probably right. I can tell you this. After what I saw tonight as I came home and after what Julie said to me just before I left the house, there are going to have to be hard decisions made. They will be necessary decisions, but not good ones." I was tired and depressed but as I began to talk to dad, the words just began to pour out. "I walked in on Julie in bed, fucking Richard Means, the asshole she works for at the bank. I had tried to talk to her just before my trip to St. Louis, but she wouldn't take the time to talk to me. She denied doing anything that would hurt our marriage and then I come home to that. She told me she had been cheating on me for some time and actually had the guts to say I knew about it and did nothing!" I shook my head. "She knows so little about me that she would actually believe I would accept that fact that she was fucking someone else and do nothing about it." "We haven't made love for over a year and a half, since about 3 months before Rachael was born. We have had sex, but never made love again after the doctor told Julie to take it slow just before Rachael was due. Julie has wanted nothing to do with me since the birth and since she went back to work, nothing. She went to work against my wishes and actually made the decision before she even told me. She cares little about what I want and nothing about Rachael. She called her the brat! Can you imagine a mother talking about her daughter like that?" "This marriage is over. I can't imagine a reason for Julie's behavior. Even if there were, she never had the decency to come to me and talk about what was bothering her. She chose instead to betray me and break our wedding vows. She even chose to do it in our bed and in our home." I had tears flowing down my face by now and did not even try to hide it. Dad simply listened and heard me out. He rose from his chair and came to me. He reached down to touch my cheek and said, "Son, you are hurting and in deep pain. I can see that. Go to bed and let's talk tomorrow. You can't handle much more tonight." With that, he pulled me to my feet, hugged me tightly, and led me like a little boy back to the spare room. He flicked on the light and helped me to bed. I lay down with my clothes on and dad removed my shoes. I didn't even notice. "Goodnight son, try to get some rest." He turned out the light and shut the door. I awoke Friday morning in my old bed at home in my parents place. I stretched, feeling drained. I suddenly remembered why I was here and the shock hit me again, taking my breath away. My marriage was over and my life would change from this day forward. I rose and went into the bathroom where I shaved, took a shower and combed my hair. All routine tasks but it was almost more than I could manage right at that instant. I went out to the kitchen where mom had begun breakfast for her and dad. She smiled when she saw me and asked if I would like something to eat. She knew I rarely ate breakfast and normally took only coffee and sometimes a bagel. "Thanks, mom but I'm not really hungry. A cup of your delicious coffee would hit the spot though." She smiled and put the cup in front of me and filled it with steaming brew. I put both hands around the cup to feel the warmth. For some reason, I felt cold inside. "Your father told me some of what you said to him last night. He said to let you talk in your own time. That's what I intend to do, so don't you worry about me grilling you." Mom smiled at me and for a brief instant, I remembered the safety that I always felt living here. It was just what I needed. "I want to tell you all about it mom, but I don't know if I can get my own head around all of it yet. Did dad tell you what I walked in on last night at home?" "He told me and I wouldn't have believed it if you hadn't seen it with your own eyes. I knew something was wrong with Julie, and have known for some time. When she brought Rachael over, she seemed distracted and uninterested in anything but getting away: but not what you described. That is not a thing I would have believed. I am so sorry you had to see something like that." She watched my face as she spoke. She could tell the pain I was in. "According to Julie, this was not the first time with Richard. She indicated she had been cheating on me for some time and actually thought I knew about it. She said as much." I didn't want to remember last night, but there was no way I was ever going to forget it. "I think more than her cheating was the way she spoke of Rachael. She called her a brat and she gave me every indication that she was jealous of my love for Rachael. She claimed that I spent more time with Rachael than I did with her. When I told her that she had forced me to spend time with the baby since she had turned away from both of us, she refused to believe it. I honestly think she is nuts!" Mom listened with a serious expression on her face. I expected anger and disgust, but the look was more concerned and introspective. She obviously was thinking about something that I had not seen. "Tom, I want to say something to you and I want you to listen. I am not going to try to change your mind or ask you to do anything but I want you to hear what I am going to say. Will you do that?" She would say no more until I promised to hear her out. "Of course I'll listen to you. I have always valued your advice and wisdom." "OK, here goes. The things that you describe Julie doing and saying make a small amount of sense to me. The timing of her actions also hits me as important. The fact that a mother would resent her child and do something that would cause her child and her husband pain is not easy to explain but it does sort of fit a pattern that I have heard tell of before." "Sometime, when a woman has a baby, things change in her chemistry. Her hormones begin to get out of whack early in pregnancy and stay confused through the birthing. Afterwards, things get back to normal. Sometimes! Sometimes they get haywire again but in a different way. They have a name for it: It's called post something depression, or something like that. In any event, it's a deep depression that makes a woman do some very strange things. It's unusual for it to last as long as it seems to have in Julie, and it is rare that the action is directed against the husband rather than the baby, but it happens." Mom looked at me to see how I was taking this. My expression must have told her something since she continued. "I know you don't think I am right considering what Julie has done, but I believe it explains most of her behavior." She looked at me now. "I don't know what you will do with this information. It's not my place to tell you what you should do. I love you and Julie and the baby. I will not judge Julie till I know more, but I do know that she has hurt you and that makes me angry. And, I know you won't believe me when I tell you this, but the pain that Julie is going to feel when this hits her is going to be awful." "You may well be right about what caused Julie to do what she did. I'm sorry but I don't care about her reasons. I only want what is best for Rachael and to be away from Julie is best." I paused before I went on. "I am going to see my lawyer today and begin divorce proceedings against Julie. I am going for full custody of Rachael and I have told Julie that if she fights me on that, I will bring her lover into the mix and sue him for alienation of affections or something like that. I have no malice towards her though and I told her that I would divide every thing 50/50 and give her the house. I don't ever want to see that house again. I don't want to hurt her even though she had no such reservations about hurting me and Rachael." "Tom, I am so sorry. But if that's what you feel you have to do, we will support you. You can stay here as long as you want and I will be glad to care for Rachael when you can't." I got dressed before Rachael woke and went into the office. I told Claire that I only wanted to get some paperwork and that I would be gone the rest of the day. Since I hadn't planned on being in the office that day, there were no meetings scheduled so I was free to go. I only wanted to get my files from my desk. Those were my personal files with names, addresses, account information and bank records. Also all of the information on assets that we held in joint and singly. I would need those for my lawyer. I spent over three hours with Jerry Adams, my attorney. Once he got over the shock of what I had told him, he was all business. He didn't want to give Julie as much as I did but I convinced him that custody was my primary concern and I didn't want assets to be a distraction from that. He agreed and we were ready to file the papers on Monday. A Day Early Ch. 02 ***** John arrived shortly after I hung up with Sophie. He had his wife Lauren with him. I let them in and we all went into the kitchen. "OK, Julie. Start at the beginning and tell us everything. No lies, no cover up. Just the truth. We are here to help, not to judge." Lauren held my hands in hers and I could tell she was almost in tears. John also had tears in his eyes. "God, this is hard, but here goes. I have been having an affair with Richard Means. It started about 6 weeks ago and we have seen each other 4 times. Tonight was the last. John, we lied to you when we said we were meeting with clients. We really went to the Holiday Inn to got a room. Richard didn't force me. I went willingly." I had to stop for a minute as my throat closed up with emotion. I took a deep breath and continued. "Tom was supposed to fly in tomorrow afternoon, so when he came home a day early, he found me in bed with Richard and Richard was fucking me. I'm sorry Lauren, but what I was doing was crude, so crude words are only fitting." "I can't begin to imagine what I was doing or why. It was almost like waking up from a long sleep to see myself doing those things. I actually recall wondering what Tom was so angry about. The whole thing came as a shock to me and, after Tom walked out on me, I sat here all night and never moved. I finally got up and went into the bathroom and when I saw myself in the mirror, makeup and all, I went into shock and woke up on the floor this evening. That's when I realized what I had done. That's when it all came crashing down around me." "After I cleaned myself up and dressed, I called you. I only wanted to tell you I was sorry for not coming in to work, but when I heard your voice, guilt and remorse hit me again. That's when I lost it and here you are." I actually felt better than I had in months after telling John and Lauren my story. It was a relief to have someone else know what I had done. Lauren just held me as I cried until I finally got myself under control. "John, can you have Marvin Catsman see Julie as soon as possible? She needs help and I believe he is the one she needs. Julie, it is clear that you have had a traumatic experience and even a nervous collapse. Marvin can help you and, at least, give you something to help you get through the next couple of weeks. That will be the worst time." Lauren was right to the point. "Consider it done. I'll call him right now." He looked at me and asked, "What are you going to do now?" Are you going to stay here?" "I have already called my Aunt Sophie and she said I could stay with her as long as I wanted. I want Tom and Rachael to move back in here. Rachael needs the stability of her own bed and surroundings. It's best for her. They should not have to pay for what I did." With this, I began to cry. Lauren came to me and again held me as I sobbed. "I think you have already begun the healing. You know what you did and you are putting your family ahead of yourself for the first time in a long time. That is a start. John and I will support you as well and the company has a program to help you." John walked back into the room. "I just spoke with Marvin and he will see you in his office Monday morning at 9:30. He will work with you at the company's expense. You only have to worry about yourself." John looked very upset as he continued. "I am not doing this only as your friend. What Richard did was totally inappropriate and is in violation of company policy. I will tell you now that you have a valid lawsuit against the bank and I, for one, would support your claim." "Richard was not alone in this, John. I was as much to blame as he was. After all, I'm older and supposed to be wiser." "Richard was your superior and, as such, it was totally his responsibility. I told you sometime back that I would have made you department head but corporate wanted youth and a man instead. This is their responsibility as well so they should pay." John actually smiled as he said this. I knew that Richard was never his choice. "I think that you should pack what you need and we will take you to your Aunt's house. Lauren can drive you and I will follow in your car. I'll call Tom's cell phone when we get back home and talk with him about moving in here." "That will be fine and I can't thank both of you enough. I am so ashamed of the way I have behaved. I am so grateful that I have friends willing to help me since I drove the one person in the world that would have done anything for me away." We left for Sophie's house and I left my home, a place that I loved, maybe for the last time. ***** I was surprised to get the call from John Williams. He told me that he and Lauren had gone to Julie when she called and that she was in a bad way. He also told me that she had moved in with Sophie and that she wanted Rachael to return to her own bed and to her own surroundings. She was adamant about that. I told him that I would never set foot in that house again and that I intended to find a condo for Rachael and myself. I told him to thank Julie, but tell her no thanks. John also told me that he had retained a psychiatrist at company expense to help Julie. He made no attempt to talk about our problems but did tell me that he was going to fire Richard Means Monday morning. He said that the bank did not condone his actions and that I had a case if I chose to pursue it. Since Richard was the supervisor it was his responsibility to set an example. This was a stupid stunt and he deserved to be terminated. I thanked John and told him that I wouldn't consider moving back home, but I wanted to talk with my attorney first to be sure that didn't set any precedents. I was also interested in the fact that Julie was going to a psychiatrist. I knew she was mentally unbalanced but had not thought it through. Maybe that was for the best. When I told mom about Julie's offer to let us move back into the house, she told me that it was a good sign that Julie was once again thinking about Rachael. "A mother will always look out for her child, even when she is sick or injured." She looked smug as she continued. "Julie is sick right now, but her love for her child will be her rock as she fights her way back!" "You take that child home where she belongs. I'll have dad bring me over first thing in the morning and I'll stay with you for a while. Things will need to be done and you will have to be free to do them. Rachael and I will be fine." Mom was already taking charge, just as she always had. Dad was letting her take the lead. I told mom that while I valued her opinion, I would not move back to the house and that I would find a condo close to work that I could buy. Julie could have the house where she ended our marriage. We argued about it but I eventually found a three-bedroom condo just 3 miles from my office, and Rachael and I began our life without Julie. We missed her, but for now, we had to go on. It was about four weeks later when I got a call from my attorney. He said that Julie's psychiatrist had contacted him. He wanted me to agree to a meeting with him as well as a meeting with Julie. He wanted me to see him first for about 15 minutes before I spoke to Julie. "I think you should take both meetings. It will not look good to the judge if you refuse to make an effort to reconcile. The effort has to be made, even if you have no intention to make it happen. That's the way the judge will put it." I thought that was dumb and said so, but he was adamant. "Take the meeting!" "Alright. You set it up and let me know. But I have no intention of getting back with Julie after what she has done. I know the shrink will tell me why she did it and that she was sick, etc. but I don't care. She killed all of the compassion I had." I had not lost any of my anger. As I tried to raise my daughter alone, I saw only the pain that Julie had caused to my daughter as she asked every night where her mother was. Jerry set the meeting with the shrink for the following Friday morning at 9:30 am. I was to meet with him for 15-20 minutes and then I was to meet with Julie for an hour or so. Our meeting would be private and no one would be watching or taking notes. It was between her and I. At the appointed time, I entered the office of Marvin Catsman, psychiatrist. He was a short, bald man with a potbelly and jovial face. He put me at ease almost immediately. "Welcome Mr. Simmons. I am very glad to finally meet you. Julie has told me much about you and Rachael and I think I know you already. I want to see if the reality matches the picture of you that Julie has shown me." He waited to see if I had a comment, but I just listened. This was his meeting. "Julie is a severely depressed young woman. At the root of her problems are fear and anger. We are getting to the causes but you have already seen the results. Her problems can be solved with hard work and time. Yours can be too if you are willing." "I did not come here to solve my problems as you so tactfully put it. I know that my wife caused the problems I have. I repeatedly asked her to get help or to talk to me about what was bothering her. She chose to shut me out and to turn to another for intimacy. That is a pain that will take time to go away, and no reason for her behavior will make it less. She almost killed me with her actions and I will have to find a way to live with that." I was pleased that I could say this without breaking down. My pain was still very close to the surface and I found myself often just staring into space with tears in my eyes. "I wasn't trying to solve your problems, only to indicate that I knew they were there and very painful. I want you to listen to Julie when you meet with her. She is not sure what she wants to say and in my opinion, it is too early for her to be able to tell you what she wants to say. She will probably make a mess of it and say things that will make you very angry. She is talking with you against my advice. I urge you to have extreme patience with her and to let her say what she wants. You have to remember that you will be talking with a sick person, one who has severe mental anguish. It will be harder for her than it will for you. She knows what she did but she doesn't know why. You don't care why, only that she did it." "I promise you I will listen and I will try not to lash out at her. But you have to know that the pain is very close to the surface. I wouldn't even be here except that my lawyer urged me to come." "I understand, but if you have any feelings left for this woman, please listen and try not to judge while you are so full of pain." With that he rose and ushered me into a small conference room next to his office. "I'll get Julie. Please have a seat." In just a few minutes, Julie entered through the office door. I was shocked at her appearance. She had on no makeup, her usually bright eyes were red and dull, she had on jeans and a sweater and her face was puffy and pale. God, she was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! My heart broke just looking at her. "Thank you for coming here and letting me say some things to you. I know Dr. Catsman doesn't think this is a good idea, but I have to do it for myself." Julie went to the seat across the table from me and sat down facing away from me. She had not met my eyes since she entered the room. She paused and seemed to be trying to control her emotions, but I said nothing. "There are three things I want to say. If you will, please just let me say them. It is hard enough just being here with you without falling apart. I don't want to apologize or ask you for anything. I just have to say these things to make sure you understand." She waited, glancing at me out of the corner of her eyes to see if I would say anything. "I am here and I will listen to what you have to say. I am angry, but I will try not to interrupt." "That's all I ask. I am trying very hard to understand why I did what I did. Dr. Catsman and I have determined it began when the Dr. told me that you and I had to be careful having sex. That was in the last three months of my pregnancy. That doesn't explain anything, but does put a beginning to the problems." Julie still hadn't looked at me. Her voice was dull and she talked in a monotone. She was almost reciting something she had written in advance. "The first thing is very hard to talk about. It is what I did with Richard. I will not go into details since that isn't important. I know that what you imagine is probably ten times worse than the reality. We only met four times, the last being the time you found me in bed with him. That was also the only time we did it at our home. I do not know why I invited him in; just that you and I had that argument Tuesday night before you left. Since I was only doing it to hurt you, it was probably the reason I asked him to our home. We had met three times before at the Holiday Inn, pretending business meetings with clients. None of our meetings lasted more than an hour or so. "Second, I want you to know this: sex with Richard was terrible. I never enjoyed it and did not do it for me. I did it to hurt you. As a result, every time he and I had sex, I compared him to you. You should know that you were in my thoughts almost all the time I was with Richard. I compared what he and I did to what you and I did and every time Richard fell miserably short. I judged everything he did by how you did it and he simply couldn't measure up. I realize now that what Richard and I did had nothing to do with love or respect or feelings. It was cheap and dirty and not very interesting. If it's true what they say about a spouse who has a cheating partner, it is that the spouse feels somehow inadequate. I want you to know that you have no reason to feel that way." At this, she finally faced me directly. She looked directly into my eyes and said, "There was no love with Richard, and as a result, the sex was just that; cheap and dirty sex. Not even a poor excuse for lovemaking. Even when you and I made love over the last year, as bad as it was, it was still more than I had with Richard." "Finally, I want you to take care of Rachael and do what is right for her. At this time, I can't be with her because I am sick. I don't want her to see me this way. If she can remember mommy without knowing how badly I treated her, that is the best thing." I saw the tears begin to flow down her cheeks as she finished this last. I knew now how much she was hurting and how much she had lost. I wanted to go to her and hold her and make it right. I wanted to, but I couldn't. "That's all I wanted to say. I hope you can take some peace from that and I hope that we can work out some way for me to see Rachael when I am better. I want nothing but the best for you and for her. You can't believe this now, but know that I love you and Rachael with all my heart and I never stopped." With that, she got up and fled the room without another word. She left before I could even call her name. I left the office that day with a better feeling in my heart than I had had for some time. I believed what she had told me, and it certainly made me feel better about myself. That, in turn, allowed me to think more about her and what it would take to make her well. I resolved to talk to Dr. Catsman and offer my help in any way I could. The divorce papers had been filed some time ago and it would take 90 days for the separation to become legal. After that, if the divorce weren't contested, it would be final in another 60 days. Five months to the end of my world as I knew it. I knew that it had to be, but it did make me sad. ***** I continued to work with Dr. Catsman. I had no idea of what was going to happen but I knew that I was out of control and my life was a mess. I had lost everything I cared about and I had done some things that I was ashamed of. As I began to understand what I had done, the shame increased and I fell deeper into depression. Dr. Catsman told me I had to hit rock bottom before I could begin to rebuild my life. In order to let me function, he gave me medication to relieve the depression and let me get back to work. I found that Richard was gone. Fired for inappropriate behavior. I was glad that I didn't have to face him again. My shame was too great to allow that. John did let me start back gradually and I soon found that I could once again enjoy my job. I think that, as well as the understanding from John, helped me to get back on my feet more quickly. During one of our early sessions, Marvin took me back to that visit with the OB/GYN who told me that I had to begin to be very careful for the last 3 months of my pregnancy. He told me that I was at high risk for a premature birth if I didn't stop work and if Tom and I weren't careful when we made love. He suggested we stop any activity that could cause discomfort to the fetus. Marvin, as Dr. Catsman told me to call him, felt that this was the beginning of my problems. I somehow took what the OB said and translated that to sex being risky and causing danger to my baby. Not consciously, but still a nagging start. Since Tom was related to sex and lovemaking, I began to connect him to risky behavior. This then began to translate into harm to the baby. Tom slowly became an enemy. All of this was deep in my subconscious and came about without my even knowing it. After the baby was born, things were fairly normal since lovemaking was not possible for a while. During that time, things began to settle into a routine that did not include sex with Tom. When Tom did try to initiate sex, I was not comfortable and in my subconscious, Tom was trying to hurt me, using sex as a weapon. It all sounds crazy to me, but Dr. Catsman feels that this is the area we need to work on. We had been meeting two times a week for the last three weeks when I told Marvin that I wanted to talk to Tom. I hadn't seen or talked to him since the night he left me. I had been thinking of him and of my daughter and I began to worry about some of the things I had said to him that night. I desperately wanted to set some things straight for Tom. He had to know that I still loved him and Rachael and that Richard was nothing. I was afraid that Tom would think I loved Richard and that Richard was a better lover and that we had a love affair. It became an obsession with me to tell Tom these things. Marvin was not in favor of me talking with Tom. He felt that I was not ready and that I was still not clear on why I had acted as I did. I didn't care. I had to do this. I asked him to make it happen. If he wouldn't I would quit therapy and try on my own. He finally agreed and set it up for the following week. He said he wanted to talk with Tom first and then I could see him. I agreed. As I walked in the room where Tom was waiting, I found I couldn't look at him. I walked to the chair across from him but I faced away. I was ashamed and I knew he could see it on my face. He didn't say anything as I sat down but I could feel his eyes on me the whole time. I began to shudder and I had to take slow, steady breaths, the way Marvin had taught me to control panic attacks. I began to talk and fortunately, the words came out, as I wanted. I wanted to tell him the things that I was concerned about and I asked him to let me talk. I knew if he began to question me I would fall apart and begin to cry. I didn't want to do that. What I had to tell him was too important to him. He had to know the truth. I wanted him to know that I used sex with Richard as a way to hurt him. I didn't know why I wanted to hurt him but that I did not have sex because I was unhappy with Tom as a lover. I also was ashamed that I had taken Richard into our home. I told him that Richard was nothing and that sex with him was terrible. I wanted him to know that lovemaking with him was beautiful and that sex with Richard was dirty and cheap. I also wanted him to know that he was a much better lover than Richard and that he had nothing to worry about. A Day Early Ch. 02 I finally told him to take care of our daughter and that I was not capable of being there for here at this point in my life. I wanted him to know that I had begun to put them first again and that was important to me. Finally, as I left, I told him that I loved him and Rachael more than anything else in this world. I knew he didn't believe me, but I wanted to say it. I left before he could ask me any questions. I held together long enough to say what I wanted but I could not stand any more. The pain was too intense and, as I looked at Tom and thought about the life I had lost, I nearly collapsed. I did collapse after I got back to Marvin's office, but Tom didn't see that. So that was OK. I had no idea of where my life was going. The divorce would go through and we would no longer be a family. Tom was no longer a part of my life and I had no idea of what I would do next. I only knew that I had to take care of my self and make a life without the two of them. Maybe some day, I could become a part of my daughter's life again, but only time would tell.