0 comments/ 12247 views/ 0 favorites A Toast! To The Bloody Shards... By: Jenna_In_Dreamland Note: This is a mostly true story. I say mostly because memory is a strange thing, and can sometimes play tricks (especially on women in love). It isn't a pretty story, but it might explain a few things. There is a gigantic gulf between what I want, and what I can have. I want CH plain and simple. I have him physically. I have him as a friend. His love I cannot have. I would probably take a few years off of the end of my life to have it. Do you hear me Satan?! (Not that I believe in the devil mind you.) I am pretty secure in the knowledge that CH will never read this, that E will never read this, and that C loves me enough to forgive me. I will begin with the end or at least the end as far as I know. A good hour and fifteen minutes worth of dialogue between me and, you guessed it, CH. (please forgive the RPG references) If you want updates on my situation, please send feedback… I have no aversion to my life turning into a soap opera. You want to know who I am, what makes me tick, where the writing comes from? Here you go! Hopefully this entertains someone. I don't find it all that entertaining. Conversation: 11/29/04 (Names changed to protect the not so innocent) JP (9:27:48 PM): Are you feeling any better? Is your throat still bothering you? CH (9:28:13 PM): Yeah, the throat is fine. JP (9:29:08 PM): I was hoping that you were feeling better JP (9:29:17 PM): Has E decided when she is coming home? CH (9:29:31 PM): A few weeks. Maybe around the 13th of December. JP (9:32:36 PM): that isn't too far off... school ends the 10th, and doesn't start back up until the 18th of Jan JP (9:32:47 PM): so I will have some down time (finally) CH (9:33:18 PM): That's good. CH (9:33:26 PM): Are you stressed out by school? JP (9:34:02 PM): a bit JP (9:34:13 PM): I am worried that two of my A's might end up being B's CH (9:34:23 PM): Bummer. JP (9:34:52 PM): and everyone thinks I'm being silly (because apparently B's are perfectly acceptable) JP (9:36:05 PM): Everything hurts, and my head is spinning, and I am trying to finish all of the last minute projects for class but... I can't force things, writing happens when it happens CH (9:36:05 PM): Not when you know you could've gotten an A. JP (9:36:13 PM): exactly JP (9:38:21 PM): I emailed in my essay for English so I don't think she will count it as late JP (9:38:42 PM): but I have to somehow get to kinko's tomorrow and have my journal bound for women's studies JP (9:38:49 PM): It's already late JP (9:39:20 PM): math, thank the powers that be, is something I don't need to worry about... I don't even have to show up except for the final CH (9:39:21 PM): Slacker... JP (9:39:44 PM): hmmmm I wonder what I was doing on the day the journal was due.... JP (9:39:58 PM): *gives you a very pointed look* CH (9:40:13 PM): Don't try to pawn your underachievement on me. I didn't force you to do anything! JP (9:40:28 PM): *laugh* I'm not JP (9:40:37 PM): and I wouldn't change any of it for the world CH (9:40:40 PM): Besides, you passed your oral exam with flying colors. JP (9:40:58 PM): *laugh* so does that mean I don't get to do a retake? CH (9:41:31 PM): Are you planning on majoring in that? JP (9:41:44 PM): Oral? JP (9:41:47 PM): *laugh* I wish JP (9:42:08 PM): if oral sex were a major I don't think I would be stressing CH (9:42:14 PM): I took Aural Skills 1 and 2 when I was in college. Oh, and I went to the same school as Monica Lewinsky. JP (9:42:29 PM): Puuulease CH (9:42:41 PM): I'm serious. CH (9:43:12 PM): She graduated a few years before I got there. I know for a fact that she partied at the house I lived in, though. Probably had sex in my room. JP (9:43:18 PM): but the question is did you get into her pants? CH (9:45:00 PM): I hadn't really gotten the chance. JP (9:45:09 PM): ah, so there are women out there you haven't seduced? JP (9:45:12 PM): I'm shocked! JP (9:46:13 PM): Lay the fault upon the doorstep of circumstance... I see CH (9:46:56 PM): Hey, show me the woman and I'll make a valiant effort! JP (9:49:21 PM): I don't think you have to make an effort JP (9:49:31 PM): You most certainly didn't have to make an effort with me CH (9:50:31 PM): You didn't even attempt to resist my charms. Others might not feel that way. Do you really think it's that easy for me to pick up women? JP (9:51:15 PM): What is the point in resisting something that feels so damn good? JP (9:51:31 PM): I honestly think that you could have just about any woman you wanted CH (9:52:04 PM): Really. JP (9:52:08 PM): Really CH (9:52:27 PM): How hard would it be for me to have C, for example? JP (9:52:38 PM): Not hard at all... want her? JP (9:53:48 PM): I'm the reason she isn't chasing you CH (9:54:09 PM): I see. She doesn't want to poach? JP (9:54:17 PM): pretty much CH (9:54:30 PM): Well, you should be glad she's that kind of friend. JP (9:59:12 PM): I won't tell you my exact stance on it… Don't want to scare the hell out of you CH (10:00:58 PM): Are you feeling jealous? JP (10:01:07 PM): who, me? CH (10:01:18 PM): That's what I'm asking. JP (10:01:24 PM): a little CH (10:02:06 PM): I thought you might. The emotional attachment was a little apparent. It didn't scare the hell out of me, but I did worry. JP (10:02:46 PM): There are things that you can fight and things that you can't... and sometimes even when you can fight you lose CH (10:04:00 PM): Yeah, that pretty much sucks for you though, doesn't it? JP (10:04:22 PM): I am aware of that, thank you CH (10:04:44 PM): Anything I can do to make it easier for you? JP (10:05:02 PM): I'm not going to ask you to do anything but be yourself JP (10:05:27 PM): I can handle this... CH (10:06:19 PM): Okay. Be strong! CH (10:06:40 PM): I'll stop laying the super "fall-in-love-with-me" powers on so thick. JP (10:06:46 PM): too late CH (10:08:03 PM): Oops, I did it again. I played with your heart, got lost in the game. Oh baby baby. JP (10:08:11 PM): OH MY GOD! JP (10:08:27 PM): no you didn't ... this was about as on purpose as a car accident CH (10:09:14 PM): No. Totally not. I mean, the quoting Britney Spears was pretty deliberate, but I wasn't trying to do anything to you. JP (10:09:40 PM): I know .... Just don't let the fact that I love you screw up us being friends CH (10:09:54 PM): I won't. But be careful. JP (10:10:05 PM): afraid of hurting me? CH (10:10:13 PM): A little. JP (10:10:41 PM): I am well aware of the fact that I can't have you... I'm not seeing anything that could hurt more than that CH (10:11:17 PM): I'm consistently amazed at the things that can hurt. They come out of left field. JP (10:11:36 PM): I'm prepared JP (10:11:46 PM): hurting is pretty damn familiar to me CH (10:12:19 PM): Okay. I'm not going to patronize you about this. You clearly know what's going on. JP (10:12:43 PM): Yes, I do ... It sucks... I'll live JP (10:13:58 PM): I'm pretty sure I know where I stand JP (10:16:13 PM): but back to where we started... do you want C? JP (10:16:22 PM): because if so I'll let her know CH (10:17:41 PM): I'm not sure. I see right through her facade, so I wouldn't want her to think that the whole playful sex kitten act had any effect on me. JP (10:18:22 PM): let me know what your decision is... that's been the deal all along... whatever you want I'm here to provide it JP (10:18:36 PM): well, as much as I can anyhow CH (10:19:27 PM): I kinda got the impression that C didn't really like me, so if that's what has been keeping her cold and aloof, then by all means tell her to climb all over me. JP (10:20:11 PM): C knows how I feel, and she respects me. So that's pretty much it... JP (10:21:45 PM): I'll tell her CH (10:22:03 PM): C's not bi is she? We could all have fun together... JP (10:22:30 PM): I'm pretty sure that she is bi... but I don't think I would want to be there CH (10:22:51 PM): Ah. I'm sorry for bringing that up then. JP (10:22:58 PM): Don't be JP (10:23:03 PM): when I fall I fall right on my ass JP (10:23:27 PM): But I heal fast JP (10:23:48 PM): a girl has to have some survival instincts CH (10:23:52 PM): Resilience is a good trait to have. JP (10:24:29 PM): I should have smacked myself good and hard when I realized that I trusted you JP (10:24:49 PM): not that you aren't worthy of trust but that I shouldn't be giving it CH (10:25:16 PM): Wait. Have I violated your trust? JP (10:25:38 PM): No... if you had I could be resentful and pissy CH (10:26:05 PM): right. I thought I'd been pretty straightforward and would be kinda mad at myself if I'd misled you somehow. JP (10:26:13 PM): It's just that I don't normally trust easy, and giving my trust is sign #1 of falling on my ass CH (10:26:48 PM): No, don't be cynical. Trust is where it's at. That's the best foundation for any relationship. You just need to make sure it goes both ways. JP (10:26:53 PM): You were totally honest with me and if there is any blame to be had it is mine CH (10:27:11 PM): There's no need to be blaming anyone. JP (10:27:19 PM): I'm not JP (10:27:26 PM): I'm not actually very upset about this JP (10:27:37 PM): next to being loved, loving someone is the best feeling in the world CH (10:27:39 PM): Okay. Good. You are awesome. Remember that. JP (10:28:01 PM): I thought you said you weren't going to patronize me? CH (10:28:55 PM): That's not patronizing. That's honesty. CH (10:29:04 PM): You are awesome. JP (10:29:11 PM): Thank you JP (10:29:39 PM): anyhow I figured I should tell you because you deserve my honesty, and that online would be easiest because you wouldn't have to deal with any of the emotional crap ... CH (10:29:45 PM): And I hope that this isn't going to make you disappear from CH land. You will still talk to me and like me and game with me and stuff, right? JP (10:30:33 PM): This really doesn't change anything... It isn't like I started loving you this morning you know! CH (10:30:55 PM): Cool. I just wanted to make sure that the fact that this had all been placed on the table didn't change anything. JP (10:31:10 PM): as in am I going to be embarrassed to face you? JP (10:31:20 PM): No I have more spine than sense JP (10:31:40 PM): Denying myself the pleasure of your company isn't going to fix a damn thing CH (10:31:47 PM): That's the gun-toting, ass-kicking Jenn I thought I knew. JP (10:32:01 PM): and honestly I don't really think that anything is broken JP (10:32:53 PM): I hope that you work things out with E, because it seems like you have a good thing going there (with the exception of current circumstances) JP (10:33:16 PM): I'm not letting this get in the way of our friendship CH (10:33:32 PM): *Thumbs up* JP (10:33:46 PM): I love you to death, you are amazing, and if I lost you as a friend I would be devastated CH (10:34:31 PM): I'm not going anywhere. JP (10:35:02 PM): good, I'm not either JP (10:35:18 PM): CH (10:36:02 PM): Hopefully the roads will clear up. Everyone was asking whether you'd be able to make it tomorrow. JP (10:36:18 PM): oh c'mon they don't really like me all that much *rolls her eyes* JP (10:36:35 PM): I hope the snow melts off... I really want to be able to make it to game CH (10:36:42 PM): It's not that. They do like you. They were asking because you are the only person they don't have direct email contact with. JP (10:36:51 PM): I kinda miss ya when you aren't around and where else do I get the chance to shoot at invisible people CH (10:37:19 PM): Plus, S is running the game. So we can interact as players. JP (10:37:25 PM): WOOHOO! JP (10:37:49 PM): I think I should be sufficiently recovered by tomorrow to act normally JP (10:40:47 PM): When I stop dating five guys at once you can start to worry about me JP (10:41:05 PM): Until then you can be sure I have a handle on things CH (10:41:06 PM): hehe CH (10:41:14 PM): I don't doubt it. CH (10:41:28 PM): Anyway, I'm going to bed. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow! JP (10:41:36 PM): Get some rest CH (10:41:40 PM): Ciao. JP (10:41:53 PM): I will do my utmost to be there....only I have class till 5:15 JP (10:42:19 PM): sleep sweet G'night I started out by having a crush on CH about a year and a half ago. He was already with E, and so I let things go. I don't poach. Then I found out about a month ago that E was on another continent on business. CH was lonely, and E encouraged him to find a temporary replacement. Naturally I volunteered. Bad idea? Maybe. Should I have guarded my heart better? Definitely. The first night: I arrived at CH's house about an hour late. It is so damn easy to get lost in downtown Denver, especially when you live in the sticks. The conversation was damn good. But then with CH it always is (unless of course I'm confessing my unconditional love). I bought him dinner, I figured it would break the ice. We both knew why I was there… but I wasn't sure yet how far I was going to take things. By the time we ended up in bed I was pretty sure that I was going to behave myself. Cuddling only! My intentions were good. I swear it. But with E's permission already hanging in the air, the fact that he sleeps nude, and the way he smelled (the way he always smells)… I didn't hold out very long. I ended up giving him head… and almost choked. I have trained myself out of having a gag reflex, but he's huge. Longer than average, and at least as thick as my wrist (and I'm not a small girl… let's just say I can palm a basketball and I barely got my hand around it). He asked me what I wanted in return, and then proceeded to fuck me silly. I let him sleep afterwards, and I must have drifted off. By the time I woke up it was 7:45 and my Father needed the car back by 8:00 (I borrowed his car because mine was crapping out as usual). I didn't get home until 8:30. My Dad was late for work, and I am pretty sure I will never hear the end of it. It was worth it… The affair continues: He introduced me to his gaming group, and I started to play Shadowrun with him on Tuesdays. Missing several classes to attend the game, and not giving a flying fuck. I brought C with me. C is a friend of mine who works with my Dad. That's her day job, her second career is as a stripper. Bad idea to bring a better looking woman with me? Probably. The thing is, he never really seemed all that interested in her. Ego boost? You bet. I ended up staying after game on Tuesdays so that I could sleep next to him, shower with him, and just be near him. I drove down on Fridays (my day off from school) and stayed as long as I possibly could. I drove down in the snow, in a rear wheel drive Ford Mustang Convertible. Scary ass drive for a girl from Cali, but I did it. I sang I touch Myself in the middle of a bar (stone cold sober). I stayed awake to watch him sleep. I'm not sure when I fell for him; maybe it was that first time he kissed me. I just know that I spoiled him to death, and never asked for much in return. Rejecting Manipulation: If I could toss my honor out the window right about now I would do it. I refused to use CH as a piece of rope in a game of tug of war, and I know deep down that that was the right decision. It still sucks! C gave me a book on seduction, and I read it. I could have used it I suppose, or tried to. I'm an amazing liar; it comes from telling so many stories. Honesty, however, comes naturally to me (especially when I'm talking to someone I care about). And I would rather stab myself than hurt him. Silly of me isn't it. Why should I play fair when the odds are stacked against me? Because "Love isn't selfish." Bullshit! Whatever it was, I gave him nothing but the truth from beginning to end. And, fuck, I still feel guilty. Sure, E knew exactly what was going on. She was getting off on it (or so she said). And, yeah, I kept honor and loyalty intact. But that good old Roman Catholic guilt sneaks up on you (thank you Dad for raising me a Catholic… NOT!). Cynical? Yes. Bitter? YES! Hurt? Of course. Angry? Only at myself. The wish: My birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year, and when I cut the cake I sent my wish right to Satan. Just in case the Catholics are right. I said, "Please if I could just have this one thing that I want, I will be just as bad as I can possibly be. You know I could be downright evil if I wanted to, just please give me a chance." I want a refund! And hey, this is proof that the Catholics are wrong! If there were a Devil he would have taken advantage of my emotional state. Childish? Duh! I detest selfishness, but on the rare occasion that I am selfish I do it right. No point in half-assing it. Well then CH and E had a fight. Damn guilt! So I was torn between hoping that everything would be all right for his sake (he really does love her). And hoping that it wouldn't for mine. Am I a bad person? You try finding someone who you could be with, someone who is everything you want and nothing that you don't. You try holding that person at night and knowing that it isn't for keeps. Try knowing that you are a substitute and that the one he loves is out there, and she won't be gone long. Mull it over and get back to me on that. The decision: It wasn't fair to leave all of it unsaid. Not fair to me, and especially not fair to him. I knew that he knew it. How could he help knowing it? It's hard to own someone without realizing it. I had to say it, especially after he asked about C. I wanted him to know. I wanted him to know what he was asking of me, and that I would give it to him. I wanted him to know that I would take that pain, to give him pleasure. Masochistic? Welcome to my world. I knew I didn't have much of a chance. Even with him fighting with E. And I wasn't about to try to capitalize on his relationship trauma. Even if there is a book sitting on my bed that tells me exactly how to do it (courtesy of C). I am normally dominant, outgoing, confident. With him I am submissive, unsure, vulnerable. I love being able to be weak, because I almost never trust anyone enough to let them see that side of me. I admitted my love. His answer was obvious, and it stings. And now, now I don't want him to know. I don't want him to know my pain. I don't want him to feel the guilt. I'm the one falling apart, and I am still trying to protect him. Pathetic? Maybe. But I won't make this his problem. I brought it on myself. Aftermath: I have curled up in a ball in a little corner inside of myself. I am no longer shining. I no longer want to sing. I want him to hold me, because it hurts. I want C to talk to, because she knows. But I can't let him hold me, and I can't talk to C. All I can tell her is that she can have him, if she wants him. All I can do is try not to burst into tears when I see him. If there is a mess to get into, I'll get into it. If there is a man that I shouldn't love, I'll love him. If there is an ounce of will left in my body I will break it. And then I will start all over again… the last one took a good year to get over. Where do I go from here? Beats me! Can anyone tell me what I'm standing on, because it sure as hell feels like quicksand? P.S. Judge me if you must. I surely have judged myself. Is this really me? A part of me, yes. Would I do it all over again? You bet your ass!