2 comments/ 11702 views/ 9 favorites Liv's Legacy: Paula By: wistfall1 (Author's note: All of these stories are intended for a very specific audience—lesbians who've had problems with religious beliefs, and their overwhelming desire to love another woman. The mental and emotional stress they have been subjected to, while wholly unnecessary and erroneous, still takes its toll on those so afflicted. These stories were meant to reach lesbians, thus though they have much religious text in them, they would most likely not be seen by most lesbians if placed in the Essay category. Beside that, they all are set as stories, thus placement in the Lesbian category. If you still wish to read them, please keep these items in mind. All citations are accurate within the bibles (King James Version and New Revised Standard Version, plus some from The Catholic Bible) they are taken from, and you are welcome to verify all of it. In fact, I hope you do verify it all as it will lead you, if you need it, to the truth of the lies we are told, and an understanding of how those lies are affecting so many, and in so many ways. Also, the historical evidence is also known as accurate, and you are welcome to verify that as well. Solo Veritas! Thank you.) (Reading note: All of these stories are about lesbians who have had problems—great or small—with religion in their church and/or religious family, as well as how religion was being used to shame lesbians with much believed lies. The stories are best understood, and make more sense if read in sequence of submission, which is: The Devil's Gateway, parts 1 and 2; Fortune's Wiles, parts 1 and 2; Liv's Legacy: Anise; and finally, this one, Liv's Legacy: Paula, part 1 with part 2 to follow later. Thank you.) Chapter 1 The night was pleasant, the breeze light, but I knew that later on, it would turn cold. By then, it wouldn't matter, it would be done, and I would have no more worries, nothing would be able to tear me apart any longer. Peace was starting to settle in on me, a quietude that I was loving to feel. It was incredible how swiftly and easily it was coming to me. Why couldn't it always be this way? There was no other way for me, save this. It had to end, I couldn't continue to feel myself being torn apart as I was. I couldn't understand why it had to be this way. What had I done that was so wrong? Why couldn't I be as they all were, as they expected me to be. My whole life was a lie, and I could do nothing to salvage it other than to give it up. My misery would end, and my parents wouldn't have to face any shame. They all seemed to be so happy in church, rather, so ecstatic. Were they truly feeling as they showed they were? Their hands raised in the air, their bodies swaying while most never left where they stood. Seeing it now in my mind, it seemed surreal, or maybe wholly unreal. "Praise God! Praise the Lord! Yes, Jesus, yes!" It was an eternal shouting, the preacher working himself and the congregation to a frenzy that bathed them in whatever light they said overcame them. Soon all the world would know what they knew, all would bow to Jesus. I would gladly have bowed to Jesus, praised God as they did, and in fact, I did just that, but I didn't really feel as they did. I was a liar, a hypocrite, a phony, and I dared not admit it openly. It's not that I didn't want to feel as they all did, it was... I'm not sure what it was, but it was not in me. It wasn't. For a long time, and sometimes it seemed interminable, the preacher belabored the sin of homosexuality. All of those who were homosexual would one day face God and be judged an abomination not worthy of him. They were the scourge of the earth, the cause of all of America's ills. All such would be condemned to the fires of hell. All homosexuals were the children of the devil, Satan's pawns, Satan's children send to deceive us, to lead the elect of the Lord down the wrong path. All homosexuals would be forever destroyed. And that was his mild preaching on homosexuality. Other times his words were vile, almost violent sounding. We, our country, had strayed from his, God's, words, from his laws, from the Path of Righteousness that he had set for all his children to follow. Now we must repent for the end of times will come, and we know not when, but it will surely steal in the dark of night, and those of us who follow God's just ways, his laws, would be taken up, the others would be cast into the fiery pit. He would separate the lambs from the goats. I was a goat! And none knew it yet, but I did. All day and night I would hear words that said I was to be condemned. My parents believed that, they believed the church, and like all the others, they shouted in affirmation with the 'Amen's and 'Praise Jesus, Praise the Lord'. They believed that our country was forsaking God's ways, and we must remain pure, faithful to the end wherein we would receive our reward for our faith in Jesus who was our savior. Why was I a goat? Why could I not love a man as I was supposed to? At my age, I had to select a man from those who were known to be God's servants, marry, and procreate as God said we should, and be faithful to his laws. My parents had given me the names of those that they thought were worthy and acceptable for they walked in God's light, in his ways. But how could I chose when it wasn't in my heart to want a man. Why couldn't I have a woman of my choosing if she wished it too? No, I had no woman in mind, and none sought me as far as I knew. Fear kept me from even looking at another woman, from thinking of one, though my heart yearned to be with a woman. Why? Why couldn't I feel it within me to be with a man? Why was it that I could not imagine myself being with a man, of allowing him to kiss me, hold me as his own, or even not as his own, but just to go out with in the supervised way that was ours, and maybe kiss chastely? There were good men, men who were good as far as a man went, perhaps many, but it wasn't in me to do that, to want one. I was an abomination before God, and soon they would all surely know it because I was of an age to where I was now a fully grown woman, and should be married. In truth, I should be married and raising a family already. My parent's were kind, they were patient though I was slow in responding to let them know whom I would have so they could arrange it if possible. They did try to give me that latitude, and that was good of them. It was I that was not good, I who would soon bring shame on them and all because I couldn't find it in me to be with a man. What had I done to be born this way? I knew of no other woman in our church that felt as I did. All married at the appropriate time, and all bore children as commanded by God that we were to do. Why was I not as they were? I couldn't say, I didn't know, I didn't intentionally choose to be as I know I am. It has worried me for years, and I have tried to reconcile myself, to change, to accept, but it is no use, and now I must end it. It is such a beautiful night. The stars in the heavens are so wondrous to gaze upon, to wonder at the immense beauty of God's creation. The breeze caught me up, it flowed as if through my soul, whispered to me of what I was knowing, the beauty of what God made, what he offered to us. Why could I know the beauty of God's world? Was God teasing me? Was he saying to me to feel, sense, know of what he had to offer, and to repent of my ways, my wants of the ways of the world? God, please forgive me, but it is in me, in my heart, my soul, my inner being to be like this, to desire companionship from a woman, and not from any man. Forgive me for being born as I was. Is there forgiveness for such as I? If I am not given to know otherwise, yes, I will end it, end being an abomination in your sight. That is not what I want to be, but I can not help it, can not help myself. Please, God, forgive me. For far too many years now I had lived in two mental worlds, two emotional worlds, at the same time, and those two worlds were in continual conflict in me. My desire to be with a woman prodded me incessantly from some unknown place within me burdening my heart. My fear of the church and of God's displeasure and wrath made me shiver with my prospect of eternal hell. Desire and fear, and so incessantly constant. How had I lived with them both forever battling in my unknowing, confused person, driving me to despair, to feel desolate? It wasn't only at night that the war raged in my mind and emotions, though that was when it was the worst. Many nights I had cried in anguish over my hopeless condition. But during the daytime too, I worried endlessly that someone would discover me as I truly wished to be, and expose me to one and all. There was no other way for me. This constant bickering between my two selves was more than I could bear. Just before I knew I would have to enter my watery grave, I once again enjoyed the night air, how the breeze engulfed me like a lover's embrace, and seemed to want to hold me forever, maybe to cuddle with me in the joy of our precious love. Yes, my thoughts were silly, childish, but I yearned so. Only a little bit more, then I would do as I must. I would walk in slowly, stop after a few steps and make sure my body was acclimated to the coolness of the water, then move further in until it was at my head. After a few more minutes, I would dive in fully and swim until I was too tired to swim any further. Then I would allow the inevitable to follow. Closing my eyes, I looked within, sensed my peaceful resignation, my fate as it must be. So beautiful to feel the peace. So beautiful feeling it wash over and through me. "Hi! A nice night, isn't it? Sorry, I don't mean to intrude, but I saw you, and, well, you looked so peaceful, I was drawn to stop and talk to you. May I," she said, and sat beside me. Shocked that anyone would be anywhere near me, I instinctively tried to see her. I couldn't see her well for the night, but she was a young woman, perhaps mid-twenties, and had a very agreeable voice, one that nearly had me sighing at its feminine beauty. Maybe I thought that because she wasn't of the church, and I could day dream for a while. "Nights like this hold me, make me want to fly up into the stars, to know what it's like up there." She laughed softly. "You know, maybe it's down there instead of up there. Is the sky as we look up and see it truly up as far as the universe is concerned? What do you think?" Her voice, and her question were pulling me out of my peace, away from what I knew I had to do. She confused me. Yet I welcomed her, her presence, someone who wouldn't be reminding me to do as I must, as I was supposed to. This was rare. In fact, never had anyone come near to me as she did, whoever she was. "Sorry. I'm Liv Carter. I didn't mean to be so rude, but my goodness, this night feels so magical. Then again, I guess I'm just saying what you already know, huh?" "It is nice," I managed, but barely, and could find nothing else to say, my confusion remaining while a part of me felt a kind of thrill at having someone outside of church talk to me as easily as she—Liv, did she say?—was talking. "You know, though I hate to dampen your enjoyment of this wonderful night, I came out here because there was a night similar to this one when I foolishly thought of ending my life. Yeah, silly, huh? But it's true. That night, as I said, being so like this one, changed things for me. Boy, I was a mess, let me tell you. Oh, no, don't let me tell you. How dare I even think of boring you with me thinking of doing myself in. Better I should enjoy this night as a reminder of there being so much more. Right?" Right? What could I say? "Well, yes, I guess so." "Yes, it feels so beautiful. You're nice," she said smoothly, in a most friendly voice. "What's your name, if you don't mind telling me?" "Paula," came out of my mouth before I could wonder if I should tell her or not. "Paula! That's such a pretty name. I like it. Why couldn't I have been named Paula, or something just as sweet sounding?" she laughed quietly. "Liv sounds nice," I quickly said, probably too quickly. "That's sweet of you to say, and you know what? I think you mean it. Maybe, huh?" she laughed again. Before I knew it, I had laughed lightly with her. She was ruining my plan, and I was glad. This is what things—life, people—should be like, friendly, not wanting you to do what wasn't in you to do. I wanted this night, the conversation, to last forever, or so something inside of me said. "Why did you think of killing yourself?" I asked out of the blue, once more not thinking before I spoke. "I mean, you sound so nice. You do!" I emphasized. "Oh, honey, you don't want to hear about that. No, I don't think you do. Maybe we can just enjoy this wondrous night. You don't mind if I enjoy it with you, do you?" she quickly asked with a worried sound in her voice. "No, I don't mind. I'm enjoying it. With you, that is," I said, and felt my face go up as if it had caught on fire. As flushed as I felt in my cheeks, I wondered that the night around me hadn't lit up. "Thank you again, Paula. I'm enjoying being here with you too. Honest," she said, and crossed her heart, then held her hand up. We were quiet for a few moments, but the quiet somehow wasn't uncomfortable. "Liv, you can tell me if you want to," I told her. "Maybe it's okay talking to a stranger since you know you'll most likely never meet me again." "Like talking to my hair stylist at the beauty salon, huh? Of course she didn't make me beautiful, but at least I could talk to her," she said, then after a moment, "You really want to know?" "Uh-huh, if you need to talk about it, or just tell it, I'll listen." For whatever reason, it felt good to be of use to someone, to try to be of help the them, or in this case, to Liv, she was being so kind and sweet. "Well, what if I shock you?" "Uh, I'll try not to be shocked," I said. "Honesty! I like that. Okay, I'll tell you since we'll probably never meet again. Ready?" "Yes. I'm ready." "Well, Paula, it's kind of like this. I was raised in the Catholic Church, and I became very upset with them, but I didn't even know I was upset with them. You see...Oh, you aren't Catholic, are you?" "No. We're a kind of what you might call a Pentecostal Church, but independent." "Ah. Like Holy rollers, huh? Sing, shout, and all kinds of body stuff?" I laughed. "Sort of, or pretty much like that, I guess, and some talking in a way I couldn't understand; well, a lot of them," I said, my mind recalling all who spoke in tongues. "Since you laughed, I'll go on with my silly story. The Catholic Church thinks of itself as The Church, the only church, and all others are wayward children. As such, they think and feel that they can tell us all what to do about any and everything, even what we can read, and what we better not be caught reading. And most of all, to be very obedient, believe all they tell us, confess our sins, go attend mass every Sunday, and more if possible, and, of course, tithe. And if you don't do those things, you'll probably go to hell and burn in eternity. Does that sound familiar to you?" "Yes," I said, but just about too quietly, sadly. "Hmm, sounds like you've had some experiences from your church too. I mean, that they want you to do things you don't quite agree with." "Yes, kind of," I partially admitted. "Well, this is my story, you can tell me yours after mine is done. Unless you run away screaming, that is," she joked, forcing me to laugh again. "I won't. Promise," I said, crossed my heart, and held my hand palm facing her as she had done. "Yeah, I like you. Okay, now the church—Catholic one—has more problems than they know what to do with, what with all of those priests raping children, and them then hiding and protecting those priests—you know about that?" "Yes, I've heard and read about it." "Anyway, that sanctimonious bunch of hypocrites that can't take care of their major problem, turns around and says it's a mortal sin—worthy of hell in eternity—for a woman to love another woman. No lesbians, that is," she stopped, and looked at me, or rather stared. Hearing that made me sad, to remember my own problem with it. In a minute I thought she stared because she knew I was a lesbian, or thought and felt that I was, but after a while, I thought that maybe there was something else to her staring. "What?" I finally asked. "Oh, nothing. I was just waiting to see if you'd run screaming from me," she said casually. "Oh. I see. No," I nervously said, needing another minute to control myself within. "Whew! So, my cat's out of the bag. I'm a lesbian, and I was so upset at them that I asked the priest what was wrong with a woman loving another woman, and boy did he get red in the face, and he started shouting and calling me too many ugly names to remember—they had to be ugly, he made them all sound so bad. Anyway, that marked me, and everyone in the church soon knew that I was a lesbian, and everyone stared at me all the time, and turned their heads when they saw me. After a while, it got to me, so I thought, the heck with it. See?" "Uh, yes, I see." Though none knew about me, still, I saw what she was saying. Why go on? "You don't seem to feel too bad at hearing me say all of this," she said as if a question. "No. I'm sorry you had it so bad. I mean, that they made you feel like that." "Thank you. You're not just a nice person, you're a wonderful person. Thank you again." I smiled more to myself than anything else. "You're welcome." "Now, how about you? What kind of bad experience made you sound so sad, but if you don't really want to say, you don't have to, but I'd like to know you better, Paula. Think you can tell me? Maybe it will make you feel better to get it out, kind of give you another perspective, maybe." Maybe. For sure, I needed a new perspective now. All of my fine plans were scrambled. Liv's appearance had made me lose my train of thought, her easy way had me laughing and feeling good. I sighed. Might as well; I would have to start all over again later—if I could, that is. "I'm kind of like you, church problems, that is," I said, and wondered what else to say. "But not with my reason for my church problems, huh?" she asked as if not really asking, but just a way of saying something as we all often do. I was scared. I'd never told anyone that I wanted to love a woman, to be with a woman. How could I now? "You don't have to say if it makes you feel too uncomfortable, but from how you're acting, I'm wondering if you don't have a really bad problem, and maybe in your heart. Did you come here to walk into the water as I wanted to do, Paula?" she asked, her words careful, gently soft, and God, so caring. She actually spoke as if she cared. Did I dare to say it? Then again, I'd never see her again. "I, ah, think I'm a lesbian too, or want to be," the words came out whisper quiet. "Oh, boy. Yeah, now I know. They make it so hard on us, don't they. Do they know yet?" I shook my head before I spoke. "No," I said, tears sliding down my face. Saying no more, she did, "So they never would see you again if I hadn't come along, huh? Did I mess every thing up by sticking my nose into your peace? If so, I'm sorry, but I hope you don't do it, Paula. Just these few minutes we've been talking, I sense a tremendous beauty in you, a beauty worth living. Do you think you want to go back home now, or if you could, would you rather just disappear, kind of like you had walked into the water?" It was such a long time before I could say anything. No, I didn't want to go home, didn't want to face all the questions, and certainly not the church and its torments again. I couldn't. I just couldn't. "I don't think I can go back now," I said sadly, my tears rolling swiftly, but silently. Liv's Legacy: Paula Pt. 02 (Author's note: All of these stories are intended for a very specific audience—lesbians who've had problems with religious beliefs, and their overwhelming desire to love another woman. The mental and emotional stress they have been subjected to, while wholly unnecessary and erroneous, still takes its toll on those so afflicted. These stories were meant to reach lesbians, thus though they have much religious text in them, they would most likely not be seen by most lesbians if placed in the Essay category. Beside that, they all are set as stories, thus placement in the Lesbian category. If you still wish to read them, please keep these items in mind. All citations are accurate within the bibles (King James Version and New Revised Standard Version, plus some from The Catholic Bible) they are taken from, and you are welcome to verify all of it. In fact, I hope you do verify it all as it will lead you, if you need it, to the truth of the lies we are told, and an understanding of how those lies are affecting so many, and in so many ways. Also, the historical evidence is also known as accurate, and you are welcome to verify that as well. Solo Veritas! Thank you.) (Reading note: All of these stories are about lesbians who have had problems—great or small—with religion in their church and/or religious family, as well as how religion was being used to shame lesbians with much believed lies. The stories are best understood, and make more sense if read in sequence of submission, which is: The Devil's Gateway, parts 1 and 2; Fortune's Wiles, parts 1 and 2; Liv's Legacy: Anise; and finally, this one, Liv's Legacy: Paula, part 1 and 2. Thank you.) Chapter 9 It was true. I hadn't dreamed it. I was naked. Liv was naked. My body felt like it was glowing, and my pussy was glowing happily, contented. We had made love, and we were in love. Then again, maybe it was what they called a lucid dream, a dream where I knew I was dreaming, but could alter it. If that was so, I would alter it so that it never ended. This dream would never end. Upon both of us awakening, we each attempted to snuggle into each other's pussy, but to our great surprise, though it shouldn't have been, we had to run and relieve ourselves. "Can't even enjoy ourselves first thing in the morning. Now that's a shame if there ever was one," Liv said with a rueful smile, then laughed and hugged me. "Good morning, my beautiful Paula." I sighed. "Good morning, my more than beautiful Liv. Can I enjoy you as we are at least for the day?" I entreated her. "As much as we can, but only if I get to enjoy you too." "Mm, I'd love that," I said, snuggling in her arms as we stood. "How about we go back to bed for a short time?" she suggested. "Yesss," I quickly agreed. And then I was atop of her again, but her legs didn't open up, for which I was both glad and sorrowful. "That was something else last night, huh?" she asked. "You mean when you opened your legs and we tried to love ourselves to death?" She giggled. "Yeah, that's what I mean, baby. Geez, I couldn't get enough of you." "Me either. I couldn't get enough of you, and I couldn't give you enough of me," I giggled too. We took the time to hold each other, then to gaze longingly into each other's eyes. Shortly, Liv pushed me so I'd be on my tummy, and began kissing and caressing my back, my cheeks, and my thighs. "So lovely, Paula. I feel as if I want to bite your cheeks off, they look so scrumptious, and it burns in me to do that, but I know if I do, I'll mess up how gorgeous your butt is. Why are you tempting me like this?" she said, and began kissing my cheeks, and nibbling on them. Her fingers were too close to my pussy, and that by intent, I was sure, and I began squirming under her hands, though I was loving how my cheeks were feeling under her lips and fingers. I couldn't help but sigh, then squirm repeatedly. "I do love you so much, baby," she told me, then spread my legs, and lifted my hips until I was helping her by getting on my knees. Liv slid under me, her legs dangling off the bed, I was sure, and began licking my pussy. It was so erotic, the sneaky way she did it, how she was loving me so sweetly and making me shudder. "Sit up, baby," I heard her muffled whisper. Though it confused me, still I tried to do as she asked. In the end, I was over her as if sitting on her face, and looking down as best I could, my eyes enthralled by seeing Liv under me, and licking so lovingly, then taking my mound and clitoris and driving me wild. Too wild, it was such a delicious feeling as she had me. A few times, I had to worry about sitting on her face too much, and that was a torture in itself as I wanted her face all the way in me. And then it was too much, my hips madly jogging on her face, then sitting fully on her, the joys all exploding in me, bolts of sensual lightning constantly flashing through me until I fell over in joyful exhaustion. "God, I think I could eat your pussy without end if you could take it, you're so delicious," she confessed with a strained voice as she fought to breathe as if she'd done more than just lick me. Then again, I knew how loving her had me feeling so short of breath too. "You make me so happy, Liv, and I love how you love me. If I could, I'd let you eat me as you wish, and I'd love to do the same with you." "I'd love to keep on like this, but I don't want you dying on me just yet, if ever, so I think we should get up." We did, then I stared at her. "Can I keep looking at you at least?" She groaned. "God, girl, you're going to kill us if I don't kill us first. Yeah, let's have some fun looking at each other." Looking to my hearts content, at least through our coffee and breakfast which was cereal lest we burn ourselves from carelessness, we kept our eyes glued to each other. "We should at least wear panties so we don't foul up the sofa," she said, going to the bedroom. "Or towels maybe?" I suggested. She gave me a look of fake disgust, but pulled out a couple of towels for us to sit on. I grinned my happiness at her. Actually, she had four towels, two for our backs. "Now do you think we're going to get anything done being like this?" she asked, her face accusing me. "No," I said, without shame. "Not a thing but love each other, or I can just love you and you can sit there and enjoy it." "Hush, or I may have you do that, you love me so good," she whispered, pulling me down to her lap so she could tempt us both, her with her hands all over me, my breasts in particular, and me with my eyes wanting to be devouring her nipples that were so hard and sexy looking, begging for me to take them. "God, I can't just hold you like this," she said lifting me up so my lips could suckle her nipple. "Oh, baby, your mouth is so sweet on my nipple I feel like I could come from you doing that to me." "That'd be nice," I said as I pulled away, then resumed what I was doing. My lips suckled her even more enthusiastically, my teeth lightly scraping them, or gently biting on them. Not letting up, I could feel her becoming more and more excited. "You're making me so horny, baby. Oh, god, you're doing itttt," she said as she shivered in her orgasm. "You brat, you made me come." "Really? Let me see," I said, giddy with loving her as I was. Squirming to push my face between her legs, then forcing them apart, I licked at her, and felt her shiver again, but only mildly. She tasted too good to leave alone, and I forced her to lay down and spread her legs for me. Naturally her face was now at my pussy, and she was licking it as I was hers. This sex with the love we had was beautiful, and we were enjoying it as much as we could. Maybe we would taper off later, but for now, we had to make love. "You're sweeter than I thought you might be, and horny as can be too." "Is that bad?" I asked quietly, still enjoying lapping up the love that still seeped out of her pussy. "No, baby, it's not bad at all, it's great, and I love it as I love you. You be as horny as you want to, and I'll try to give you all you want." "You're all I want; you and your love," I said, kissing her slick lips. * * * * We were that way with each other for several days, and it was much sweeter than I could ever have imagined. It was as if everything had not only changed, but the world and how I looked at it too, but then we knew that we had to do some work, some studying, and me a lot of learning. More, the world I used to know had to be confronted once more—I had to call my mother again. "Are you with another lesbian?" she asked right off, her voice quavering as if hoping against hope, and also letting off a sense of indignation. "Yes, Mother, I am, but..." "Then there's no sense in calling us," she said, her tears sudden and distinctive. "Mother, please," I was able to say before she hung up, though I knew she didn't hear me. That was it. If I was a lesbian, she didn't want anything to do with me, regrettable though she felt about leaving me out of her life. I didn't want her out of my life either, but this is how I was born, and this is how I loved being, and my love of Liv was the most important thing in my life. Liv comforted me, and after a while, I was resolute in continuing my learning. Yes, we did taper off, but not so one could notice it. Still, we did as we had set out to do, me to learn, and Liv to work on her project. As I read, and found something particularly interesting, I'd comment, or question it, and Liv would talk with me about it, and have me look it up either in the bible or on the Internet. After a few weeks of hard learning, I began to help Liv put her project together. I was more than impressed by how she did it, how she demanded that it be as accurate as she could make it. "There may be an error to two, but if we can, we have to find them before I do anything with it," she said. Her devotion to finding out the truth of things had me in awe of her. She had shown me what she called the truth of the lies, that is, she'd proven to me that much of what we'd been told to believe was not true, and a lot of it plainly false. It no longer shocked me to be finding out things that just weren't so in the bible, it was so fraught with errors, though some not as apparent as others. Then at long last, she felt she was ready, and had it all broken down into what she hoped would be sessions lasting approximately two hours each, and each session in two one-hour, or so, segments. She even went through them with me as an audience of one. "Be critical, baby. Any errors, or anything not just so-so, let me know about it, and don't hesitate or be afraid. No, be afraid of not telling me if you do see, or feel something not just right," she exhorted me. Next she took the time to wonder what props she would need, and when. She was being very thorough. When she felt she was ready, she left me at home while she went out to find a place to hold her classes, and finding them, to give the information to several outlets to publicize them. Now that her project was ready to begin, I finally started to seriously wonder about finding a job so I could contribute as good a share of the finances as I could. When I told her about it, she grinned. "Honey, neither you nor I have to work ever, only if you just want to. I've meant to tell you, but honestly, we've had time for nothing but loving, learning, and the project," she kept grinning. I expected her to say more, and she did. "I'm living off of a trust that's been providing for me for a long time, and it's pretty healthy, so not to worry, okay?" "For now, I guess," I said as I thought of what she'd told me, how unexpected it was. At least now I knew why she never seemed to have a job, or worry about one. * * * * When it was time for her first class, I honestly expected that she'd be real nervous, but she wasn't; she was confident when her first class came up. Though I would have loved to have gone with her, I stayed at home not wanting her to be looking at me and perhaps wondering if I was seeing something wrong. She didn't need any distractions, and I didn't want to be one. She'd cajoled the county to make one of their public buildings available on Saturdays in the afternoon each week. To hear her tell it, it wasn't difficult to do. "Baby, every lesbian deserves to know the truth, especially if she's been put through the hell that your church, and, sorry to say, your family, put you through. It's all a lie whether they realize it or not, and that's fine with me, but not when they try to force lesbians through intimidation or brainwashing to accept what isn't so. No lesbian is going to give up being a lesbian in her heart, if she truly is a lesbian as you and I are, and it's not right to try to brow beat them as they do." I had asked Liv once if she believed in god in any way. Her answer was, "If there is a god, I'm all for it, if not, I don't want to worship a god that isn't truly a god other than in someone's very active mind." "How might there be a god?" I asked in my desire to know all I could. "None of us have any idea, hon, not as far as I know, or from anyone that I've read so far. All we have is science, and though we've learned a lot, we still haven't been able, as far as I know, to discover a way to prove a god, or to disprove one. There is a lot of discussion about it, and maybe too much on both the yea and nay sides. Maybe someday we'll honestly know. In the meantime, there is a lot of wonder in not only the universe, but in our world too." "We can't disprove one in any way?" I had to ask after all she had just said. "No, we can't, but what we have being foisted on us, that we can disprove, and most of it by the bible and known by objective history. Science, I believe, is starting to add much to help disprove it, like the cloning, or just about completely cloning Eve. And for sure, we are atoms, not dust, and all are made of atoms that made molecules, that eventually made our cells which make us. Of that there is no doubt, and it's been a long process, one that may have happened on other planets, or is starting on some. I say 'may have' because we don't know for sure, but I think we can extrapolate from what we know about how we became here on earth." She was positive about what she said, but was cognizant of the fact that with others in a class, she had to be careful of how she put it, and when. Chapter 10 When she returned from her very first class, I gave her a hearty kiss to welcome her home as she pulled me tightly into her. "How was it?" I asked. "Good, I think. A lot of them were shocked, some wondered how they had never seen it or heard about it—and right at the start. After that they got into it, and they all seemed to very much want to come to the next session." "It's easy to see why they didn't see it initially. After sitting with you, and seeing what a jumble it all really is, and how we just believed what we were told, not to mention, accepting our parents word for it, it's no wonder we all missed seeing any of it." "Yeah, and I did too until I got to looking and wondering, then got lucky as can be and found a few books that made sense, and not just rah-rah books." "Your 'me-to' books," I grinned. "Oh yeah, them, and there's loads of them out there, and people making scads of money off of them, not to mention recording songs. Some may be sincere, but most? Who knows." "Want some wine now, or wait until we eat?" "Mm, first another kiss. That other one wasn't enough," she said, and gave me a huge, sloppy kiss. "Yeah, that's better. Now what's for supper, hon?" she asked, having enjoyed more than just the kiss, but then so did I. "For you, on this special night, lasagna, and a big salad to go with it, and some big, fancy black olives. Oh, and garlic bread too. How's that?" "Yum! I'd rather have you, but for starters, it's excellent," she leered at me. I had to laugh. If I'd ever had a happier time in my life, I didn't remember it. Liv was my love, my everything. She was peeling all the layers off of my old, big, ugly, silent onion that used to be my quietly secretive self. "When do you think you'll be ready to eat?" "Right now, you. Oh, you mean the lasagna." "Take your pick. The lasagna doesn't care, and I'm ready for you all the time, save when you've about worn me to a frazzle." "Maybe I'll relax a few, then change into as little as possible so we'll be ready if the notion strikes us." "Few or no clothes is good." "Yeah, it is. Be right back." She was, and we had a little foreplay with each other's body, though she only wore some slippers, which I loved, and true to her word, little else. I did love seeing Liv's body, her gorgeous breasts that bobbed so salaciously, not to mention the rest of her, she looked so sexy to my libido. Yes, I was still horny for her, always wanting to make love, but we had settled down a little, though not much. We were meant for each other the way I saw things. Liv thought so too. Though I'd always been so quiet, and my soft voice helped others see me that way too, around Liv, I was rapidly becoming very free. It never bothered me that I was quiet around others, especially strangers as when we went grocery shopping together, or me alone, which was very rare. I chalked that up to habit, from my old fear of being known as a lesbian, recognized as I had imagined anyone could if I let them see too much of me. That's what the silence I practiced made me like, but I didn't mind as long as Liv didn't. It never affected our love, and of course, she'd taught me how beautiful physical love could be, so there was never any holding back on my part for her physical love. We had wine with our dinner, but I only had an occasional sip. A half of a glass lasted me forever in the house. After dinner we sat in the living room, Liv with another half glass, and me still with the half glass I started out with. "It was really good. They were all up for it, and a couple had had a bad time from their church, one especially, and I think it really started to help her out, other than getting her dander up, that is." "From my perspective, I think you put it all together marvelously. Anyone who is honestly looking to learn will certainly do that." "I hope so, hon. There's really no sense in any of us being made to tolerate how they say we are, making us out to be horrible in god's sight. Those who started it all did a whale of a job making it a Zeitgeist for the ages." Food can make one want to relax, especially if it's delicious food that you like, and we did love lasagna. That's by way of saying that for a good spell our sex was our looking longingly at each other from time to time. My eyes certainly flared madly a few times. My libido was ready even if my lazy, and food satisfied body wasn't, but that was about to end as we talked ourselves out. "Ready for a shower?" she asked. "Thought you'd never ask," I said, my libido doing the talking for me, and she knew it. She'd taught me to be a sex monster, but one for her whenever she was near me, or if I even thought of her, which I had a few times while she was in class. That I had been changing a lot was true, and after the first few times, I nearly stopped having any doubts about anything she told me, but she still made me prove her out. To me, the most startling thing was my outward self, how I no longer held anything back, though only with Liv. With her, I held nothing back at all, including my body that dearly loved her, and her body. Showering was one of our favorite things to do besides each other. The love we shared was a beautiful thing to me, as I knew it was to her, and we still liberally helped each other wash our bodies. Liv's Legacy: Paula Pt. 02 Washing our hair, it was even more special, for we were able to tempt each other more, and longer. Liv loved my hair, and I loved hers too, so we always took our time drying and combing, then brushing our hair for each other. And when that was done, it was love, love, love. Sometimes she had to have me sitting on her face, but after that first time, it was always at the headboard end of the bed so I could hold on to the headboard, and that's what she wanted this time. She was diligent as ever in licking me completely, deep licks, teasing licks, and taking my lips into her mouth as best she could. The many electric sensations were a thing that brought me so much joy, her hands caressing me was like seasoning to make it all more savory to my body, and to her mouth and hands if she was as I was, and I knew it was so with Liv. After she'd had a goodly portion, enough to satisfy us both temporarily, she suckled my nipples, then took time to turn me over to caress and nibble on my cheeks. "God, you drive me crazy, baby." "You do me too," I said, my breath still struggling to reach normal. "No, baby, I mean that no one has ever come near to affecting me as you do, and I do mean no where near it. Sometimes I wonder if I think of you too much, that it's not natural, but then we aren't natural as anyone else thinks of natural, but you're very natural to me, if I make any sense to you with my jumbled up words. See, you do drive me crazy," she laughed. So did I. "And I hope I always will because that's what you do to me," I told her huskily. My hands couldn't help but to be reaching to touch and caress her, somewhere, anywhere, just as long as it was her, but if in kissing reach, then I had to be kissing her as well as caressing her. As much as we were feeling our love, we had to end it by loving each other at the same time which we both loved to do as we often slept with our faces cuddled up to each other's pussy as best we could manage it. That was pretty close. Even during the night, I sensed that if we had to turn, we'd reach for each other's pussy, and at the least, somehow find a way to have ours on any part of the other's body. It was true that I did love Liv in every way. Some times when we weren't at each other's pussy, I loved it when she spooned me, and held me tight to her body, my cheeks against her still warm and wet pussy, but occasionally, I was the one doing the spooning. But me sleeping with my head on her breast was dearly loved by me too. Every now and then we'd be side-by-side facing each other, and she'd let me suckle her nipple before I finally laid my cheek on her breast to sleep like a contented baby. Yes, my life was very complete, and extremely sweet. * * * * That first class session was deemed a success by Liv, especially since more attended after the first session, others having told them about it. As they went along, she'd find some little something to add to it, to give it more depth, enrich it with greater meaning. It ran for six weeks, one two-hour session, or close to it, each week. When the first class had run its course, she set to have another with a couple of weeks break. In the break, as well as in the other six days when there was no class, I continued to read, to question, and to prove, and discuss it with her. This went on until she had completed a few six-week classes. My shyness around other people kept me from going to the classes, though Liv allowed me to have her believe that I didn't want to affect how she presented her class. She was good to me that way also, but I knew that someday I would have to challenge that about myself. Someday. After another two week break, she began another class, now extremely confident in her presentation of each session. What was different about this class was that starting in the second session, she was talking animatedly about quite a few of the girls—or women in some cases, but several young girls. As the third week passed, she spoke of them more than usual. One especially was Caryn who in many ways reminded her of me, though not of voice or shyness. No, Caryn wasn't shy, and neither was her partner, or the other three girls with them. That there were five was rather unusual too; two and sometimes three in a group was more the norm. As half of the sessions wound down, she asked once again if I would like to attend. Besides the group of five, the other girls seemed to make up a very good class, so putting aside my shyness, I said yes and went with her for the fourth of the six sessions of the class. I was enthralled by how easily she went through her lesson, how she presented it to all of them, and more, how raptly they seemed to listen. She ran through the Maccabees to the resurrection verses with only a few asides deftly inserted, and making me wish I had attended her classes much sooner. How she went into when the resurrection idea was first thought of, to when it really came into being a couple of hundred years before Jesus, really helped me solidify what all I had been learning. It was as if I was hearing it for the first time, and really understanding it. Then she tied it up more tidily with the Zeitgeist that really took hold from the Jews, and remains to the present day, and how it cost them over and over for centuries, actually, for two thousand more years. Then she went into how 'Satan' began, also in the time just before the Maccabees. From a 'messenger' in the time of Job—if he ever really lived—to the devil we how have, they morphed them into one. After a break, she recapitulated some, then went into morphing the pre-Jesus Zeitgeist into a new one that took in Jesus' time, and made them as if they were just a continuation 'as-if-planned' all along. Then she went into how it was melded together mostly into one church, but only over several centuries. The history past Constantine showed how it all came to be as it is, and how power was assumed by the early church, including murdering those who didn't quite agree. After that, it was to show how it went along in that vein, including Hypatia, and the pedophiles in the time of Galileo to the present. When she was off of what she called her 'soapbox', she introduced me. It was time for me to say my little introductory piece. It's a wonder I was able to stand, my knees felt so wobbly, but I did. And I told them the truth of how I came to be there with them; it was short, but to the point. What shocked me, and maybe shouldn't have, was that when I ended, they all stood up and clapped, and many of them had tears in their eyes. Had I ever felt so humble? Maybe, but then again, maybe not. Liv spoke a little more, recapping and wrapping the session up. After the class ended, many of them came to me, hugged and kissed me, and asked me to come to the next class too. I couldn't help it, they made me cry, but it was at that time that I knew of how special Caryn was, as was another member of their group, Ariel; both were almost too sweet to bear. "What did you think, hon?" my beautiful love asked me. "After that, I found myself wishing I had come with you sooner, but how they reacted to me after I spoke was stunning to me. I just never expected anything like how they were with me. Life with you really has been something that I would have thought totally alien had anyone told me I'd feel as I do now." "I knew they'd love you. They're a marvelous class, but then they've all been marvelous. Still, this one in particular I think," she said. "I also realized why Caryn impressed you so much, and Ariel too. They almost smothered me with their sweetness," I confessed. "They are interesting, and that whole group seems to have it all together too, but Caryn had said why she was there; she had a pretty bad time in church also." "She's gotten over it real well, I'd say, at least from how she acted." "I think you're right, and she has a pretty sexy looking partner too." "I didn't notice who was with whom, but I think, from what you say, that I know which one you're talking about, and yes, she is quite sexy, but Caryn—Wow!, she's a real beauty." She laughed. "Yes, she is, isn't she, and wholly without guile as far as I've seen." "I bet she is. I bet they all are." * * * * It was love, read, learn, and added to that was to wait until the next session of Liv's class came up. My first visit had me wanting to go again. Chapter 11 "You're anxious to go, aren't you?" she asked me. "Yes," I had to admit. I'd been thinking of that class I'd attended, and had a beautiful feeling inside of me that just wouldn't leave me, not that I wanted it to leave. How they all reacted to me was maybe the least of it, though in many ways the most enjoyable. Still, seeing a room full of lesbians, and all unashamedly so, speaking freely, and freely being what they were, what they are, enthralled me. I told Liv all of this. "Enlightening, maybe?" she asked. "Very much so. It's like seeing freedom in action, freedom being loved and enjoyed." "That has to be something for you, I guess, and I can see how though I've never had that problem. It's what I hope helps some to realize." "I didn't see any that had a very serious problem, but then there may have been, and you're teachings may have already lifted them out of the gloom of having to hide so much." "You may be right. Who knows, but it does seem as if they've all liked the class." * * * * No sooner had we entered than they were all about me again, particularly Ariel, who along with Caryn had me to sit with them and their partners. Ariel impressed me very much, she was so charming and irresistible, as well as irrepressible with the soft, but exuberant way of her personality. When Liv began to speak, she really hit them with a dozy—a loving god versus a genocidal god, and both one and the same; it just didn't match up, and she had the proofs from the bible itself read. Recapping how the Zeitgeist is, she also explained how nature made it inevitable since we were instilled to believe what our parents told us, and as a consequence, passed their learning and beliefs to us. Then she hit us all with another minor bombshell: that the Hebrew bible wasn't settled on until 158 A.D. After that, she began a discourse of how the newly formed Christian—Catholic—church began to put on airs, and how it carried over into much of the newly begun Protestant church. And she hammered a lack of foundation and Zeitgeist. Taking a quick break during which Ariel and Caryn kept up their fascination to my mind, and telling me how much they loved Liv's class, I again felt and enjoyed how freely we were as lesbians. The feeling was so invigorating, and had me sensing my person as being very alive, and not just walking and breathing. It struck me that I was loving being so openly lesbian as I'd always sensed myself to be, to want to be. On returning, Liv went into Proposition 8, and our sister lesbians who may be facing problems such as Caryn and I had, as well as itemizing our main opponents who seemed to hate us. When she had ended, she asked if any had questions. It was at this point that Caryn spoke up and said that it was going to be hard to deny Jesus, but then she let loose by damning those who had shit on us all these years with their lies and vile words. Liv agreed with her on both parts, that yes, it was difficult to put Jesus aside, he'd been so ingrained into us with all the teachings that had been shoved down our throats, and with the Zeitgeist that lacked foundation, yet continued on and on. Then she went into speaking of the Zeitgeist, from it's beginnings and the resultant difficulties and slaughter it had brought the Jews through the centuries, and how it might take us to the prophesied Armaggedon. "What this country needs is truth, not lies! Lies perpetuate so much that is harmful like that pedophile scandal," she said with passion. Having said that, she warned of what awaited us should those who wanted to take us into a literal Old Testament 'biblical' mode of living got their chance to do so. From there she went on to warn us of what might come if the fundamentalists and their literal interpretation of the bible took political hold. Lesbians, she warned, might be the hardest hit for men had always subjugated us women, and would do so again. What was in her heart was what she didn't say, and that was that lesbianism per se had not been mentioned in the bible because of what she felt was a lack of need back then by the men who wrote the bible. They'd most likely seen women used sexually with animals, but not their women, so they knew of it, and prohibited any sexual contact with animals. But they knew that they kept their women under their thumbs for the most part, so that was probably why they didn't mention women loving other women. However, they knew about it in these days, and if they ever came to power such as they sought, their wrath would turn on women immediately, so Liv believed. That was one great fear she had for the future. Not mentioning this part was something I had to agree with her on. It would be fear-mongering in one of the worst of ways. But the thought was in her heart, and all she dared say was that the Zeitgeist was insidious. * * * * "They really love the way you're teaching them," I told her after the class. "There's so much to tell, and you can't give it all or they'll surely be as lost as I was when I began." "You still like being around all the lesbians in the class?" she asked after a while. "Yes. That feeling of freedom and a sense of belonging have me feeling very excited in being among all of them. It's as if I was transported to another world, my real world, our world, that I'm among my own particular species of humans." "That sounds like a pretty good description, I'd say. Would that every girl or woman who's been affected by church teachings and feels as if she might be a lesbian would get the chance to feel as you do now." "From how you said that, I can see how lucky I am that you not only found me, but are so into teaching as you are. Without it, maybe we wouldn't last, or I'd be too big a problem for you to deal with. I'm glad you started this, Liv." "Yeah, me too. Just look at what it got me," she said, hugging me, then kissing me with a marvelous sweetness that I melted into. Naturally, I was anxious to go to the last session of this class, to feel that oneness with the others as I'd never felt or known before. * * * * In the next session all of them greeted me with hugs and kisses reaffirming my sense of oneness, of belonging, before Liv started her last session with them. As Liv had promised, this was a session with a lot of items to it that were important, but that she couldn't fit properly into a six session class. A couple of things were The Secret Gospel of Mark wherein the youth in the Garden of Gethsemane ran when they tried to detain him, but all they had in their hands for their efforts was his linen cloak as he ran from them naked. In The Secret Gospel, this same youth was naked with Jesus in his home and stayed with Jesus learning the mysteries of the kingdom. The other thing was how so many wanted Mary Magdalene given more place in the church instead of being so marginalized. And it was women who wanted this, and studied much to try to prove their point, yet they never extended their research for facts which would have led them to find out the lack of foundation for the New Testament. All of those women were extremely intelligent and learned, but Liv noted they only wanted women to be recognized, and not to learn and search for real facts that were more important. She mentioned for the second time in this session about how we want to belong, but it was, in this case, belonging to a lie. She also talked of how we're made—of atoms that eat and drink other atoms, and much about how many questions are yet to be answered by science. But what had us all in tears was her talking about our love, how we as women who loved other women did so in love, and if anything was holy, it was love. Near the end, she reiterated that it was foundation and Zeitgeist that she wanted us to know about, and to learn of also. Learn and pass on to any sister in need who wanted to know about the lies that could possibly change their lives as it had mine, but lastly, to seek true knowledge. It was a mild pandemonium after the class, but after all had left save Ariel, and the rest of the group, they came to us and invited us to visit with them on Friday evening at The Kitten's Korner. When the invitation was extended, Liv looked at me and asked what I thought of going—would I like to or not. "I think I'd love to go," I said. There were final hugs and kisses, and a reminder to not forget to visit with them at their club. * * * * "You really do want to go to the club, don't you, hon?" she asked. "Yessss," I drug out the word in my excitement. "It's like they're feeding something to me that I've needed since forever, I think, and if this class makes me feel like this, I have to know what being in a club full of lesbians will be like. Pure excitement surges through all of me when I think of it. Do you understand, Liv? Do you?" I repeated. "No, not exactly, but then again, yes. With that group, I know we'll love it, they're all so sweet," she agreed with me. Chapter 12 "Anxious, huh?" "Yes," I had to admit. "Just be careful not to get too anxious so you don't pee in your panties," she teased me. I blushed, then received a kiss for responding as I did. * * * * It was much bigger than I'd thought, as well as noisy and full. There were women of all ages and sizes, and ethnicities, though most were Anglo. Many were dancing, others talking animatedly, and some sharing love as best they could, a few of them quite daringly so. The sense of liberation, of excitement that I felt almost took me over so that temporarily I forgot why we'd come. "There they are," Liv said, pointing to all of them waving at us. The introductions made to the one they called Jabs after we'd had all of the hugs and kisses from the others. Seeing Jabs—Eleanore, we learned soon—shocked me. To say she was huge, or big, or anything like that would be to misstate what she was like physically. Yes, she was big, but much of that was from her larger than large breasts, yet they too weren't too large. There was almost no describing her other than to say she looked bodily like sex incarnate with a more than pleasant personality. And there didn't seem to be any fat on her, yet she wasn't muscular as a weightlifter might be. She was extremely stunning. Room was made, intentionally, I think, to have Liv sit next to Jabs, then me next to Liv, of course, and Ariel next to me. Not surprisingly, Liv was quickly in deep conversation with Eleanore, as Liv promptly called her. For some reason or other, Elle seemed to be what I wanted to call her, and not Jabs as the others did. In no time at all, I found myself dancing with all of them, save Elle and Liv, but then they broke Liv away from Elle and they danced with her too, and finally, Elle danced with us both. Dancing with Elle was most challenging, her breasts so large as to make me want to shy away from them. Frankly, they were too fascinating, and too large so that I had to work to not touch them in any way. Still, on occasion, they did brush me. The very novelty of their size shot a thrill through my body. "Sorry if my size bothers you," Elle said. "There's nothing I can do about them, so if you can, don't fret about occasionally getting too close, okay?" She said it kindly, plainly, and quite innocently in a way that disarmed me. "Okay," I said, then, "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so obvious," and blushed to beat the band. She laughed softly in a way that I liked. Liv's Legacy: Paula Pt. 02 "So, we're both sorry, huh? Now let's enjoy the dance," she said, sounding much like Liv. When we went back, Liv and Elle returned to their conversation, this time talking about physics, as we were to learn, Elle loved to talk about. They started to talk about what Elle called Phase Transition, a state where one thing was changing from one state into another state, but at some point in the transition, it was momentarily in both states simultaneously. That had Liv thinking, and connecting it to me, and how there had been a point at which I might have resisted the church's teachings unconsciously, and had been both at various times in my life, thus making for much of my confusion, leaving me not understanding what all was taking place within me. It made sense to me. Elle was suggesting that all high school students should be taught that, and had it pointed out as a source of much of their confusion at various times. It made sense to Caryn too, who openly had Elle clarify it for her, her love of Penny and the habits from church conflicting in her as they had. I had to say that it sounded as it was with me. The thought of it in my mind seeing my person as I often was both wanting another woman, and not wanting to go against what I thought were God's wishes, and those two in me for prolonged stays frustrating and confusing me no end. Perhaps that was what finally drove me to try to kill myself. It seemed as if it might be. Somehow, at that moment, Elle became quite a bit more than just an unusually sexy looking person. Like Liv, her mind was fabulous, enthralling, really, and that is not said just because of my thinking—everyone was attuned to the conversation either listening, or entering with questions or opinions, mostly both. After that conversation had run its course, the others engaged me; it was as if we were a separate group apart from Liv and Elle who kept on talking more or less ignoring the rest of us, or vice-versa. All the others, especially Ariel and Caryn, danced with me almost without end. It was all throughly enjoyable. Never had I ever envisioned that my life could be as it was turning out, or that I'd ever find a world that I dearly loved being a part of. On leaving, we were given extended hugs and kisses. As well, Ariel asked if we'd be coming back in a most odd manner, as if she was anxious, but not in any uncomfortable way. Liv said we would, and I was smiling happily, my head nodding exuberantly. I definitely wanted to return, and I think Liv did as much as I did, but for different reasons. * * * * "So what did you think?" she asked after we were home. "I loved it," I said without hesitation. "And Eleanore?" For whatever reason, I blushed. No, I knew why, but I wasn't sure I should say it, yet I did know there was no reason not to, save that it was about another person comparatively like Liv in a way. "Paula, honey, she's smart, she's sexy looking as can be in one of the oddest of ways, but sexy nonetheless. It's okay to say it if that's why you're hesitating. I don't expect to be the only person you find sexy, or are attracted to if that's so. Say as is in your mind and heart. You know you can be truthful with me, don't you?" I nodded. She was right. "I did find her unusually attractive and sexy. How could I not, she's so big where we often love women to be—her breasts, that is—not to mention that the rest of her is just about as sexy looking in an peculiar way. And Liv, she reminds me so of you, the way she talks, how she sees things," I blurted out. "Yes, I expected you'd notice that." "What about you?" I had to know. "Hm, yes, as you said, she is very attractive, and quite sexy looking too, and she does all of that in a way I've never seen before. And I love her mind. More, she's honest, I think. Very politely, she said it was okay to not get close to her if it bothered me, and I'm sure she meant it in the most appropriate of ways." "She did the same to me," I blurted out, interrupting her. "Did she seem as if she was sincere, that is, not putting on something as a way of leading you on?" "It did. She made me feel at ease with her." "So did I, but I told her it didn't bother me, at least not in a bad way," she grinned. "You—you mean you liked it? That maybe you wanted her to be touching you with her..." I suddenly couldn't finish saying it. "Not exactly. Honey, sexy things are sexy things, and her things are very sexy looking, and when she did incidentally brush me, yes, I felt a slight thrill, but I wasn't about to let it ruin our dance, nor was I falling all over her and fantasizing. Well, maybe my mind did a little, but nothing that disturbed me unduly, or that I didn't push away easily. Is that honest enough for you?" "Yes, I think so." "Honey, if we go out, we're going to meet people, and they're going to affect us in various ways. Eleanore is an unusual person, kind of like Caryn. When we look at her we can't help but have our minds stray in noticing how beautiful she is, and not just facially. Have you noticed yourself staring some before you caught yourself quickly?" I had. God, Caryn is about the most beautiful female I've ever seen, but she's so sweet and outgoing and genuine that I didn't keep staring at her, nor want her as I do Liv. I told her that. "That's what I mean, hon. Nothing to worry over, or try to hide." "Nothing other than that mind of Elle's," I had to say. She gave a quick, hard, mirthful laugh. "Oh, yes, that mind of hers is something else indeed. To be honest, I hated to quit talking to her." I nodded, understanding what she was saying, but then I had another thought, a connecting one that was revelatory to me. "Liv," I began slowly, thoughtfully, "do you think it's possible that you might be so enamored of her mind that the rest of her will sneak in on you too? Do you know what I mean?" "Oh, wow, baby, you have hit on something. Fantastic job of seeing things, and more, in connecting them," she said, and stopped, but I could see her mind working overtime. "To answer your question very honestly, yes, I guess that could happen, may happen if we keep going there to be with them. What do you think about it? Should we stop going to make sure it doesn't happen?" Well, we were being honest, and it was a logical question to ask; a good question she asked too. "No. If she's good for you, then she's good for you. You have to do what's good for you," I said, though somewhat sorrowfully. "Fair enough, and the same for you. But if I read us aright, we may look at another, and even like her too much, but I don't think either of us will drop the other; at least I won't, and that's for sure. You know that I never want to be without you. You are so much my heart, my whole life. If it happens to you, and she's what you want, hey, I'll go if you want me to. I won't like it, but I will. I didn't keep you from killing yourself so I could put you in a box and keep you to myself forever, though darned if that doesn't have its appeal in a way," she said with a sly smile, her finger to her lips. I had to laugh. "Yeah, same with me, but if I put you in a box, I'll have to make sure you can talk and I can hear you." We both laughed. "You know something, you're getting to be something else, the way you suddenly see things and connect them. You're good, honey," she said with a wondering look on her face. "Do you really think so?" I asked, unsure about what she said, but wondering myself. "Yeah, I really do. They may have been bottling up quite a spectacular person with all of their church stuff; restricting your mind way too much so you were missing what's in you," she said. That had me thinking, and would probably keep me thinking for a long time. "Well, that's our first time out adventure over with. Now can we take one of our sexy showers and make love?" she asked, a very honeyed look in her eyes, changing things somewhat more to her desires—not to mention mine that normally were the same as hers. "Yes. I'd like that. Thank you, Liv. I can't help it, I adore you," I said with all the sugar in the world in my voice as I felt it in my heart. Whatever it is about talking honestly, I'm not sure, but it's as if we open ourselves up to all things, and all love, for the love we made to each other was more than sweet, and very long lasting, not to mention very satisfying. Though I hated to give up her pussy, I had to feel myself being held by her, to know the loving comfort she always gave to me. "Lord, baby, my heart feels as if it's about to explode with the love I'm feeling for you," my beautiful Liv told me. "I love you more than I can say, Liv. I do. God, I love you so much," I about exploded with the love I felt for Liv too. "I can't imagine life without you." "As long as I breathe, you won't ever be without me, hon. Promise you won't." Chapter 13 We did go back to the club, but now the hugs and kisses weren't so dramatic, but they were still there, and meaningfully so. They were growing on us exponentially, like an extended family we had to see as much as possible. After a couple of weeks, Liv held another class, and I went to most of the sessions with her. Just about all the girls were great, but there was no other group like the one I first encountered. One Saturday, we were invited by Elle to her house. Our group—yes, we now considered them as 'our' group—plus some other girls that Elle knew were there. We all got along famously, and many questions were asked of Liv, especially by those new to us. As time went on, Elle and Liv were becoming fast friends, but then again, how could they not, both of their minds were so alike in many ways, interesting to say the least. We were later invited to a get-together at Sally and Ariel's house, but it was just our group with Penny and Caryn, plus Mary and Elle. Liv and Elle were as if best friends, and Caryn and Ariel, along with Mary, were including me in much of their talk. Even with how it was becoming between Liv and Elle, plus how it was with me with Ariel and Caryn, still I noticed Elle often watching us, sometimes together, and sometimes apart. Maybe it was how I had been so restricted as Liv called it, and maybe that helped what was natural in me, but I was being very observant as I noticed Elle. It had me wondering. Liv's mind was much like Elle's, and Elle had no steady that we knew of. It might have occurred to me that she was casting longing eyes on Liv save that I did often observe her as she watched both us of us when we were together. It wasn't long before I began to wonder if she wasn't fantasizing herself being with someone as Liv was with me, but then that put Liv out of her picture, and that just wasn't so. I talked to Liv about it. "Oh boy, did they ever miss seeing you for what you have in you. But no, I haven't noticed Elle looking at either of us, but then I may be myopic when it's about Eleanore, she so fascinates me with her mental machinations." "Liv, what if she's falling in love with you?" "Or what if she's falling in love with both of us, huh? At least in how you're seeing it." Oops! That hadn't occurred to me strongly enough as she so plainly and easily put it. "Yeah. Maybe," I said softly, my mind going off in search of that might be. "Hon, what if she is? Is it bad with her?" "That's hard to tell, but it may well be happening that way. I'm pretty sure she loves you, but I'm not sure about me, though who can say." "All of that aside, we can't push it any. She may be embarrassed if she thought we knew, or suspected," she said. " 'Push it?' " I asked. It was one of those moments when one was caught when they didn't even know they could be caught—she blushed, and furiously. "Oh, mercy, don't tell me," she quickly said. "You're falling for her, huh?" I asked, but oddly, not with any worry on my part. "To be honest, I hadn't thought of it, but then again, what's not to love? Darn it, how did I miss it? Am I really falling in love with Eleanore?" she asked with a look in her eye that told me she was asking it of herself, and only partially to me. "If you are, it's okay, just as long as you don't leave me behind. I do kind of like her too." "You do? I mean, that way?" she asked. "Maybe. I do love listening to you both, and she does capture the eyes, and when we do dance with her, those breasts of hers make you wonder after a while. She's not like those ugly and mean women that sit behind us." "No, she's not, is she? Boy, do we have a problem, or what?" she asked. "As you said, we see what happens, and if it does, maybe we have to let her do it, whatever it is for her." "Baby, you are getting to be so wise, and I mean it, and you know I'll never leave you behind. Anything that happens, happens with, to, and for, both of us. You know, this may give me a headache. I've never thought of anything like this before." I laughed. "And you think I did? Can I borrow some of your headache?" I kept laughing. * * * * Liv finished a class, and in another two week break, she started another class. In the meantime, we all grew closer and closer together—Liv, Elle, and I, that is. She often danced with us, singly or all together, though she kept a discreet distance from us as best she could. At last, after we'd had her over for dinner as we'd done a few times before, it all went askew for a moment. We were dancing in the living room, and somehow we suddenly bumped into each other. Maybe we knew it had to happen with the limited space, but if anyone bumps into Elle, they bump into her breasts—that's just how it had to be with her. "I'm sorry," she quickly said. "It's okay, Eleanore. We don't mind since we're friends and it's to be expected in this limited space," Liv said quickly to set her at ease. "You mean you..." "No, hon. In a way, it's kind of nice, don't you think? I mean, we're lesbians, and like men, just about all lesbians love breasts, right?" Liv said with an encouraging smile and an honest voice. "Yeah, but normally I try to be careful not to push...these" she looked at her breasts, "on anyone." "Understood, and we were very cautious about it too, and if you remember, you kind of apologized to both of us when we first met. You're bigger than usual in the breast department—and very nicely so on a very nice person too—and, as I said, it's to be expected in this limited space, so don't worry, just dance unless you don't want to now." She looked at me with a question in her eyes. "I feel the same, Elle," I told her very simply and honestly. "Yes, at first, I was skittish, but as Liv said, we're friends, and the space is limited, but we love dancing with you, so if you don't mind, we don't." It surprised me that I said that to her, but then again, maybe as Liv often said, when one speaks honestly, it opens one up, and Liv and I always spoke honestly, so maybe I was allowing myself to become open as I had never been before. Elle was flustered by us, by our openness with her, and maybe because of how I knew she was feeling. At any rate, she suddenly blurted: "I really like you two, and now you make me feel as if I want to pull you both close to me." That said, her face became beet red. Liv saved her. "Women, and not just lesbians, generally always hug each other, and sometimes spontaneously, right?" "Yeah, right," Elle said, accepting Liv's saving words, but she didn't hug us. If Elle was bothered by us saying as we did, she hid it well, or tried to. I knew for sure that she liked us as we did her, that is, that it would be so easy for all of us to be together and loving, but that was up to Elle. * * * * As the next class came, Elle decided to attend. "Just want to see what it's like to sit in on it, and get a sense of what others think about all that Liv teaches. I've never had a problem with any of it, but I know that there are many who have. Maybe it'll be good to know this stuff," Elle said. She did attend all of the sessions, and spoke of them often with us after each one. We were getting the habit of being at each other's house on some days after class, and occasionally on Sundays. Our friendship just kept growing and growing, and Elle continued to dance with us as she always had, but though I still thought she'd like to, she didn't hug us. As far as I could tell, none of the others at the club were noticing anything different than as things had always been. Liv had another couple of classes, but Elle didn't go to any of them, still, we did meet at her house or ours on many Sundays. Then, about six more months later, everyone was at our place when our get-together was interrupted by one of the students who had been in one of Liv's classes. She was frantic, and crying so hard she had a hard time explaining why she had come. We were all more than stunned when she finally did speak so we could understand. She'd worried on the class Liv had taught, and had continued going to church as always, and for whatever reason, she felt she could trust her pastor. When she told him about Liv's classes and asked him a question he didn't like, she was astounded the next Sunday. He let everyone know of the classes, and more, he told the congregation that Liv should be shot. That was why she had come to see Liv. That preacher had gone on for several Sundays, and she was afraid someone was taking him too seriously, and had to warn Liv. Liv tried not to let it affect her to where others could see, but I knew it worried her and so did all of our group, especially Elle. "It's okay. I've always told everyone that we had to start telling it as it is, but that it was risky even if we did limit who we spoke to. I expected something like that before this, but I don't think anything will come of it. They just like to rile up the congregation when they easily can," Liv said. The girl kept crying though Liv did her best to comfort her, giving her a hug and kiss on her cheek, then finally getting her to leave. Me? I couldn't leave her side after that, I was so worried. Even Elle stayed with us for a while after the others left too, though they made sure to offer Liv whatever she might think they could do to help out. * * * * "Honey, it's probably nothing, so don't worry yourself. However, I have thought on things like this, especially since we had our talk about Eleanore. Let me just say it: I'm pretty sure Eleanore has more than a crush on both of us, and as insurance, I'd like to push things with her if a chance comes along. Mercy, that sounds so crass and unfeeling. I'm not meaning this as strictly in a predatory manner, or to use her because she's convenient. "What I mean, hon, is that I'm pretty sure I love her, and have for some time, and I'm pretty sure you do too. Now you tell me honestly as you always have done, do you truly feel that you love her?" "Liv, would you really be saying this if that girl hadn't warned you as she did?" "Actually, yes, I'd be saying it anyway, but truthfully, Eleanore is too beautiful a person not to want to love, but only if you do too. And if anything did happen, I wouldn't want Eleanore to be feeling she was stepping in only because I wasn't around anymore. If we love her, we shouldn't waste our love." Crying was something I couldn't help doing. It was as if she was planning her certain death no matter how she said it. There was no doubt that Liv loved Elle, and I know I was in love with her just as I was in love with Liv. As Liv had said before, how could we keep from loving Elle, and I know that Elle loves ut too. Still... "Yes, I think I love her too. No, I know we both love her." Chapter 14 The following Saturday, we invited Elle to visit and have dinner with us. We each put on a brave front, and kept it all light, though there was tension from the warning Liv had been given. After we ate, the three of us cleaned up, fixed a glass of wine, and went to the living room. Liv's Legacy: Paula "Paula, would you like for me to hold you for a minute. I won't do anything else if you say yes," her voice soft as the breeze, and just as welcome to my heart for whatever reason. My answer was to nod my head. I was in need, but I didn't know of what. Sense, maybe, reason—something. And then Liv was holding me as I cried, lost, feeling all alone as I had not felt before though I had felt distant from my parents even at home. Life wasn't worth it; I just knew it wasn't, and there was no reason to continue it, and that realization made me sob in anguish. "Go ahead and cry, honey. You need to get it out of your system, make room for your eyes to see a better way for yourself," she said, rocking me, caressing my hair, my head, then, I sensed, she was crying with me. It nearly broke my heart that I had made her cry. "I'm sorry, Liv. Please don't cry. I'll stop now. Just stop crying," I wailed, if a strong whisper can be called wailing. "It's okay, Paula. The senselessness of it all makes me sad, and it makes me angry. And not being able to do much for you makes me feel worse." "Y—you don't have to d—do anything for me." "Yeah, I know, but who will? All I can do is to offer you a place to stay if you'd like, but then you'd wonder why I was doing that. Damn it, honey, it's not fair what they're doing to us." She'd said it all as if without thought, as if she meant every word, and my heart responded with its quickening beat, and hope entered my mind that worked hard to overcome the confusion I was feeling, the uncertainty. "You'd offer me a place to stay? With you?" I wondered aloud quietly. "Yes, if I thought you'd come with me, I would. If you want to get away, then come with me, but don't throw your life away. Don't do that. It's not fair to you. You can come stay with me for a while and take time to work something out for yourself, get your mind to seeing more of the beauty that had you so peaceful a while ago." She meant it! My thoughts entered my mind from too many directions, and I couldn't make any sense of any of them. Some said no, it wasn't possible, she didn't really mean it, others said why not, you can kill yourself any time if it's not true, if she's not as she sounds like she is. "I have this feeling that you're thinking about it, maybe wanting to come with me. It's true, hon. I'll do what I can to help you, and in the meantime, you'll have a place to stay, and food to eat. If you want, you can go home and tell your parents, and pick up some of your things, or you can just come with me, and we'll find a way to get you what you need. You don't wear fancy clothes, do you?" "Fancy clothes?" That threw me, and I almost laughed. In the little light that there was, I looked at Liv and saw her small smile. She was kidding me. "No, I don't have any fancy clothes," I said, a small smile of my own oddly coming on my lips. "Yeah, I didn't think so, but I had to try to make you smile if I could. Is that okay?" The warm feelings I had in me were exploding in my heart. "Yes, it's okay. Do you really mean it?" "About coming with me to my place? Definitely, and no strings attached. I won't hit on you, not that you're not pretty, because you are from what I can see of you, but I won't. Promise." "Liv, I can't go home. I'm not sure I could get away again until later, and then I'm sure it would be to kill myself. My parents will hound me to change my ways, and I can't go back and not tell them. I can't do that. I can't hide anymore," I said, sensing my desperation and sadness reclaiming me again. "Then come with me, and let me try to help you. You can write them a note and mail it so they'll know you had to leave, and if you want, you can tell them about it, about you, and how you feel you are. Whatever you think is what you should do, hon." * * * * On the way, my mind thought that it might be foolish of me to still be with her. Then another part reminded me that if something bad were to happen to me, I'd still be able to kill myself. The first part of my thinking mind returned, and the small battle went on until we were at her place. "It's not real fancy, but it's more than comfortable. Paula, there's an extra bedroom if you think you can sleep in it okay. But if you think you'd feel to lost, you can sleep with me. It's a king size bed, and if you'd rather, I promise you I won't try to take advantage of you. I just don't want you to have any feelings of not being safe. The other bed is nice and good to sleep on, and has clean sheets. My bed's nice and comfortable too, and I just changed the sheets on it. Just please don't let yourself get to feeling down, or lost, or all alone. You're not alone, hon, so please don't be shy about what's best for you," she smiled. Looking at her in the light, I saw that she was really pretty. Much prettier than I'd thought, and her eyes didn't betray any guile, plus her smile was pleasing, a good smile that brought trust into my heart and mind. "Are you sure it's okay if I sleep with you?" I asked, suddenly fearing to be alone, though I knew Liv would be close by. I didn't want to be alone. "Sure I'm sure. You have to feel comfortable. Can't have you deciding you were better off in the water, now can I?" a small smile on her lips. "Now, do you want to sleep in your clothes, or would you prefer a shower and a sleeping gown or long shirt?" "Please, I don't want to be any trouble," I nearly stuttered. "No trouble, honey. If you feel a need to shower, then you should shower. If you don't want to sleep in your clothes, I have an extra gown, or a long T shirt. I sometimes prefer to wear a long T when I sleep. What would you prefer?" Uncertain, I nonetheless said, "A gown if you don't mind." "Not at all. Hold on, and I'll get it for you," she said, and quickly pulled a clean one out of her dresser drawer. "There you go. Tell you what, you shower and get in bed, and I'll shower in the other bedroom and quick get into my sleep outfit. I'll let you know before I come in again, okay?" "Okay," I said as she left, then nervously began to undress, uncertainty coming at me like a wildfire in high winds, yet I continued on. In the shower, my hands were shaking, jerking, and generally causing me to drop the soap. Somehow I had enough on the washcloth to wash my body, but I rushed through it. It was okay since I didn't think I was too dirty since I hadn't done anything, so a quick wash would be good enough for now. Done, I dried quickly, reached into the small purse I still had, though why I didn't know. I'd probably picked it up out of habit. Combing through my hair, I put it back, and went to the bed. I looked at the bed and noticed it had a headboard that was like a bookcase, yet it didn't. What it had was a place with sliding doors just above where the head was as if to hold books and what not, but it was somewhat high, and very deep. At the top of it, it was deep enough that one could lay on its padded top as if to sleep, though I didn't think anyone would lest they roll and fall onto the bed proper. It was very odd, but I was sure it served a purpose. "Are you set?" I heard Liv's voice. "Yes, I'm done," I answered, and she walked in. She had a gown on herself. Oddly enough, I thought I would have liked to peek at her without anything on. I'd never had an opportunity to see a woman naked before, and Liv certainly was very attractive. She looked very good. There was no getting around the fact that I'd wanted to see her, that I wondered what she looked like naked, or even just a leg. My mind wanted to fantasize about her, and maybe me with her too, but that ended abruptly as I heard a sermon being given. It was one of fire and sin, of being unfit for God's mercy, unfit to be in his presence. My mind pictured people screaming without end from the fire continually burning their flesh, but the flesh didn't go away, it just kept burning. My body began to tremble, then to shake, and I cried many tears as my heart pounded madly in my breast. I was gasping, my lips flapping against each other as if I was trying to say something, but no words came out of my mouth. Then I felt my body twitch, and I did hear my mouth as if whispering 'no', or trying to. I don't know how long I was that way, but suddenly, I felt someone, and thought the devil was coming to take me with him. "No," I screamed. "No, please no. Don't take me, please don't take me," I sobbed. "It's only me, Liv, and I'm not going to take you. Nobody's going to take you. Don't cry. You're safe here with me. I promise you that you're safe," I heard her soft voice. Then I knew she was holding me close to her, a hand gently rubbing my back, her other hand and arm holding my head to her. How quickly my mind had gone into its shadows of darkness and tormented me. "Oh, honey, what have they done to you? What?" she whispered sorrowfully as I felt some of her tears also. As Liv held me, and softly cried with me, and did all she could to comfort me, to make me realize that I was with her and safe, my heart slowly began to slow down its maddening beat. A warmth began to replace it, a gladness to hear Liv's voice telling me that I was safe with her. Her body was no longer something I longed to see, but a constant reminder of the warmth of a human being that cared about me, was concerned for me. "I'll hold you as much as you need me to. Nothing will happen to you; I promise, Paula. Nothing, or nobody, will touch you. You're safe here, honey, you're safe." She held me tightly to her. My tears continued, but not nearly as they had been. An occasional sob escaped me. After a few of them, I realized my face was on her breast, and it was so sweet and comforting to me. Thinking that, feeling it, I hugged her harder to me, and felt her do the same, but gently. "I'm sorry," I finally said. "I..." "Hush, baby, it's okay. I don't know what all they put in your mind, but it's not true. Please believe me, it's not. Now hush and sleep. I won't let go of you unless you want to, but please know that you don't have to leave off of me holding you. Just go to sleep and know that I've got you, that you're safe, okay?" "O--okay," I said, and felt a gratitude that was unfathomable, and gave myself up to my cheek being on her breast. "Okay," I whispered again. Chapter 2 "You look like you slept good, thank goodness," I heard Liv say softly as she looked at me. I was still with my face on her breast, and though I felt I should get off of it, and my face flushed hot, I couldn't bring myself to leave the safety of it, of Liv. "We can lay here as long as you need to, or if you need to use the bathroom, you can and come right back if you want to, okay?" she continued speaking in a soft tone of voice. "Thank you," I told her, letting her know how I still felt the need for her as I was. Her hand gently combed through my hair, caressed my face, and had me sighing softly as I enjoyed her holding me and all but pampering me. However, it soon became apparent that I would have to go to the bathroom. The distress a small thing like that caused in me was monumental. It worried me to be so fearful and needful of sensing the security of being on Lv's breast. As I thought that, my face shot up with a sensation of too much heat in my cheeks. "I—I do need to go to the bathroom," I said, my body demanding that I do or face the consequences. "Okay, go ahead, then I'll go. If you still want to lay as we are, you get back in bed, and I'll be right back. I mean it, Paula. If you need to stay in bed, then that's what we do, okay? We have to make sure that you feel safe and as comfortable as possible. Now go," she said, but gently. Reluctantly, I was up and headed to relieve my bladder that was screaming at me. Done, I went back to bed before Liv had a chance to get up. "Atta girl. Don't be ashamed to let me know what you need," she said, and kissed my forehead before leaving. Her kiss had me sighing, and feeling a warmth I couldn't remember having before, and more than that, yearning for her to return. When she did, I made sure the cover was back enough for her to slip under it easily. "Thank you," she whispered as she pulled the covers up a little. No sooner was she on the bed than I was at her breast, my top arm over her and pulling her tightly to me. As I did, it tried to come to me that I barely knew Liv, yet I was clinging to her as if she was my only refuge. That thought was followed by another that was nearly disquieting: Liv was my only refuge. It nearly made me cry. I'd put myself in a position of relying on a person I didn't know, had only met last night, yet if she left, I knew it would feel to me as if I'd been dismembered and awaited being devoured by whatever wished to do so to me. Liv pulled me tighter to her as she felt my whole body tremble. "Honey, I don't know what all they did to you, or put in you, but we'll figure it out if you want to. You can't go through life being as scared as you are. Do you want me to help you? I will if you say you do." Fearing to say no, I nodded my face in her breast, but I knew that I wanted it anyway. She was right, I couldn't go through life being so afraid. Though I knew I could still go to the water again, it was a fearful thought to me as I felt Liv's soft and warm breast, and heard the beating of her heart. For now, and maybe forever, I didn't want to leave off of being as I was, so bad was my sense of being alone, of having no one I could feel good with, and safe too. "Tell me more about yourself, Paula. Tell me everything, and let me help you." "There's nothing more to tell. I've been scared for too many years. All I know are my parents and the church, and that I think—know—that I want to be with a woman, to love a woman. All my life, or for as long as I can remember, I've lived in fear of it being known. All my life I've heard our preacher saying I was doomed to live for eternity in hell, that God hated me for what I am, but I can't help it. I can't," I cried. "If you can't, then you can't, but you can still live, and be as you know you must be. In everything we do and say, always remember to measure everything by your need to love a woman. That's your main thought, your main criteria for everything. Okay?" "Is that what you did?" I asked. "Oh, honey, you bet I did. My parents weren't so much eating up the priest's words as yours were, so they didn't push me, or worry me as yours did, though I knew they wouldn't like knowing I knew I loved women and not men. It was pretty much easier for me than it was for you, but how you must see yourself is the same as I had to see myself. Paula, you and I know what's in us, and no one else does, so they can't live our lives, or make us live as they live theirs. We know about ourselves what only we can know, and that's what we have to live by. See it, hon?" "I think so," I said, rethinking all she said. It was true, only I knew what I felt I was, what I knew that I needed. That's why I had gone to drown myself, why I knew I couldn't live anymore, at least not as I was living. "But how do I do that, live with me knowing myself as I am, and staying that way?" "You felt that way because you lived with those who made you feel like that, right?" I nodded, and let myself know that I loved how it felt to move against her breast. "If you lived apart from them, with someone you knew didn't feel as your parents do, you wouldn't feel like you could no longer live, right?" "Yes." "Paula, did you work someplace?" "At the church," I said, a sadness coming over me as I acknowledged how bound up my life was with home and church. "So you tried to distance yourself from home and church because they were your world, huh?" "Yes," I admitted. "Are you at church or home now?" she asked, but somehow, the way she said it so lightly, I knew she was smiling. "No," I said, almost knowing what she would say next, that all I had to do was to stay away from home and church. "No you're not—you're here with me, and here you can stay until you feel you want to go somewhere else. See? No need in drowning yourself, okay?" That surprised me, as well as sent a sensation of joy through my body, and my mind too. "Can I really?" I sensed I wanted to beg her to say I could. "Sure, hon, if you want to. I'd love to help you." Her words were much loved by me, made me feel good, and more, accepted, but I wondered why Liv would help me, what she wanted, though I felt some guilt at thinking that. Still... "Liv, why do you want to help me?" "Hm, good question, but an easy one to answer. You're like me, a lesbian, and we're treated like crap, like we're undesirable, not needed, not wanted pieces of so much garbage, but why? Because some churches, some men, say that's how we should be treated. When I made love with a woman, really made love with her, and was at her pussy—her vagina—it was heaven to me. Now if I felt that making love with a woman was heaven, and she felt it too, who was I hurting, who were we harming? "A woman who loves a man, and has him with his penis in her, and loves it, who is she hurting, who is she harming? The answer is nobody, and when women love each other, the answer is the same. Neither is hurting nor harming anyone. Only churches and some men say that we are harming someone, but they can never point out a person we are harming, only their ideas, how they think things should be. "Honey, you're a sister, a lesbian like me, and they are telling you that you are hurting, harming someone, something, but you're not, not anything other than an idea that they have. That makes for a reason to sympathize with you, and more—much more—to empathize with you. It's not right, they're not right, and none can really point to anyone being harmed other than their particular sensibilities. You know you have a need that is naturally in you to love a woman. How dare anyone tell you that what you know is in you shouldn't be there. That's ridiculous. If God made you, then he made you as you are, and you know how you are, so how can they say that God made a mistake? See what I mean, and more, did I answer your question?" she said, and all of it quietly, but with a passion I'd never heard before, a passion from deep within her being. I was lost for what to say other than to nod my head. "Did you love whoever you were with?" I asked without realizing I was going to ask it. She smiled. "I thought I could, that we would fall in love, but it didn't last. She moved away, and that was it. And yes, I was sorry she left." "Was it really like heaven when you made love to her?" I had to ask, to know. "Oh, honey, it sure was. Have you ever kissed anyone that you really liked and wanted to be with, or thought you might want to be with?" My heart dropped at that, and so did the countenance on my face. No, I had never kissed anyone other than my mother, and maybe my father, but I couldn't remember it if I did. Shaking my head, I felt some tears escape me. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. My god, no wonder you felt so cooped up. It must have been like a prison where you were fed well, and otherwise taken good care of, but never allowed to really live. I hate that happened to you." The tears that escaped me became as a raging river. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to make you cry, but at least you're getting it all out of you." Clinging to her, I did let my tears run as they would, sorrowing that Liv had just said how my life truly had been, how I had never voiced it to myself, hadn't dared to allow myself to think it. Yes, I had to admit that it was like living in a prison where I was simply kept alive, but not allowed to truly live, at least not as Liv had. "Listen, we can lay here as long as you want to if this is what you want, but I have to warn you that we humans, lesbians included, die without coffee or breakfast. Well, maybe we can do without breakfast, but I don't think we can live without coffee. How about you, do you drink coffee?" Liv's Legacy: Paula "Yes, but I guess we do need food more than anything, huh?" "That's a matter of opinion, but you may be right. I'll have to think about it," she laughed. "Come on, hon, let's see what we can scare up for ourselves. We can talk some more as we do, okay?" "Yes, okay," I said, my silly crying stopped, Liv making me smile at how she talked, the way she expressed herself so easily. She had me feeling as if she could probably do no wrong, or say anything and it be the truth. That was dangerous, I knew, but she had that effect on me. Dressed, and having coffee on, we sat at her kitchen. From what I saw, her house wasn't that small, but I did see that she had lots of books, at least by my standards. "Is she the only one you ever loved?" I asked out of the blue. I was very curious about Liv, she made me feel so at home with her. "Sort of, I guess, depending on how you look at it. I'm an old fashioned girl, and I want some romance, some permanency, a home with a lover that I love to come home to. No luck so far, just a couple of maybes that didn't pan out. Still, the sex was good, sometimes pretty spectacular. It can be that way, you know. It's something you only know if you try it, that is, if you really do want to be with a woman." "I do. There's no doubt in my mind or in my heart. Men don't interest me that way, or much of any way, excepting as a parent maybe." "It's been hard on you, but you can make things better for yourself. Then again, all you may find is heartache. In love, there are no guarantees, but that's the way it is for heterosexuals too, at least by the divorce rate." "I've never met anyone like you, Liv. You make everything seem possible, even that I may live and not feel as I did." "You can, honey. Never doubt it, but you must always remember what I told you to hold as the most important thing in your life, and that's to know what you are, and to be that way, and not let anyone tell you that you have to be this or that. When people try to make others as they think they should be, all they do is to make people miserable, or robotic, and definitely uncreative as they can be. In everything you do, or someone wants you to do, compare it to what you know you are, and if it's good, or okay, then do it, if not, then don't do it unless it means you'll stay alive until you can better your situation. You know, like taking a temporary job while looking for a better one that suits you more." If I say that Liv was amazing, I wouldn't be telling the truth. Never had I heard anyone like her, but then how could I if I saw myself as she rightly saw my life so far—a prisoner doing as told or else. Though I had no idea of the 'or else' part of it, I know that I never, ever thought of not doing as I was told, at least not openly. However... "Liv, but I'll still go to hell," I worried, and felt the rush of pain and sadness engulf me, as well as tears starting to come again, and my heart felt the too familiar tightening as if a weight was suddenly on it. "Paula, let's take this a step at a time. Will you work with me on this?" "O—okay," I said. If she said anything, I knew I'd listen. Why? Just because I trusted her, odd as that was to say and feel. "If you had succeeded last night, and drowned yourself, what would God say about that?" Quickly, my head hung low. There was no hiding from that. "He'd not like it," I barely said aloud. "A sin worthy of hell?" Sadly, I nodded. "Yes, I think that's true." "So, you were going to hell anyway you look at it, but sooner, huh?" Once more, I nodded, and said nothing, but felt a few tears slide out. "Okay, so any time you have now is a bonus to you, right?" "Huh?" "It's time that you aren't in hell." "Oh. Yes, I guess so." "Okay, your hell is in your future so you have nothing to lose now, do you? I mean, what can be worse than going to hell forever, and immediately, right?" "Yes," I said, my voice dragging with my sorrow. "So what if I told you that it may not be so? If I said that, do you think, since you're postponing going to hell anyway, you'd give me a chance to prove it? I mean, what have you got to lose. Hell would still be hell no matter what, so why not listen, especially if there's a chance it may not be so?" My fear was so powerful in me as it had been for years, and I didn't want to think about what she said, but I forced myself to consider her words, and I had to admit that it was true, I was heading for hell anyway, so I didn't have anything to lose. Since I trusted Liv, and loved being around her, why not listen? If I did, then maybe... "I'll listen," I said at long last. "Okay, so what bible do you use in your church?" "The King James," I said, wondering why she asked that. "That's what I thought you might say, and that's good because I have one handy. I'll go over one thing with you, and then we'll fix ourselves some food. You were right I think, we do have to eat. Oh, tell me, how does your church view the bible? Do they take it as stories, or as every word the word of God, and perfect?" "It's the word of God. It's what we go by." "What they call the inerrant word of God, huh? What it says has to be right?" "Yes, that's right. Our preacher always quotes from the bible to show that what he preaches on is what God wants us to do. Do as the bible tells us." "Now if I can show you one thing right away to show you that this isn't true, and use only the bible itself to prove it, would you believe me then when I say that you have a chance because what they've told you may not be true? Would you believe it?" "Well, y—yes. I'd have to. I mean...yes, I would," I said firmly. God's word was in the bible, and I'd always believed it, and my heart and mind told me I always would. Why did Liv say that? It had me worried. She went off and came right back with a bible. "See, King James. Now open it to Genesis, chapter 6, see what it's about, then read verses 19 through 21. When you've read them, let me know." Feeling confusion, as well as wondering, I hesitated, then found it as she told me, and read it. "Yes, I read it," I said, and wondered how this could be used to prove anything but what everyone knew, even those who didn't go to church. Noah was to put two of every animal in the ark. "Two of each kind of animal, huh?" "Yes, that's what it says. Everybody knows that," I said too quickly, wondering how it was that Liv might not know it. "And that's God's truth, and your church, and what you learned from them believe, and anything else isn't so, right?" "Tha—that's right. It says it plainly," I said with the certainty of having known that since I was a child. "And now if I show you that it's not quite the truth, and from the bible, will you believe me, more, truly believe what the bible does say?" "Ye—yes, I guess so." "Okay. Now honey, believe your eyes, and what they tell your mind that they're reading. Look at the next chapter, 7, and read it, but pay very close attention to verses 2 and 3, okay?" How could she ask me to do that? How could she be so wrong? Had I trusted her when I shouldn't have? Oh, dear God, no. I wanted to cry, and looked at her with my sad and unbelieving eyes, and saw her nod to the bible. Turning my head to read it, I did, and saw what she meant, especially those two verses. Looking up at her, I couldn't believe it. Looking again at the bible, and making sure it was the King James bible, though I felt shame at doubting Liv so openly, I looked back up at her, my mouth open, and my mind swirling, confused, feeling lost enough so I thought I would faint. "It's true, honey. It says seven of each clean pairs, and one of each of the unclean ones. Which is true?" she asked, her voice gentle, tender even, her hand reaching out to touch one of mine. "Doesn't it say that?" All I could do was to nod my head slowly, still wondering at it. How could this be? She got up, and went again to find two more bibles, a New Revised Standard Version, and a Catholic one. Both said the same thing when she showed it to me. "It's one of the reasons that priest shouted vile things to me. He couldn't refute it, so he did the only thing he could, and that was to get angry and accuse me of god only knows what all. When you catch them, they all resort to screaming at you, and calling you vile names." I was still numb from it, and couldn't speak yet. "Honey, as long as you're with me, I'll never lie to you, and if I tell you something is so in the bible, I'll show it to you in the bible as I did just now. And I guarantee you that if you went to your preacher now and showed this to him, he'd most likely be as lost as that priest was; that or he's hiding knowing it. It seems that many, if not most, of these guys aren't that familiar with the bible though, and what it really says. Now can you get a hold of yourself and help me fix us something to eat? I don't want you to die here or anywhere else," she said with the sweetest smile on her lips. We stood up as I was nodding my head, but I didn't move otherwise. I stared at her for a short while, then I was in her arms, hugging her hard, and crying. "Yeah, it's hard to believe, but there it is, and much more too, but later for that if you wish to know more. Okay?" Finally I found my voice. "I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't want to believe you. I didn't, even after I read it all. How can it be? How?" I asked softly as I cried. "Later, honey, later. For now we have to make sure we live to find out more. Now let's eat. I'm starving. How about you? Hungry?" she grinned as she turned me loose, or I turned her loose. "Yes, I'm hungry, and thank you," I said, wiping my tears that still hung there. Chapter 3 "If you're serious about not being able to go back home, then you need to think about whether or not you feel you should let your parents know that you're okay. Who knows, they may have already called the police to report you missing. What do you think about it?" "I should, shouldn't I?" "It's all up to you, honey. You're the one who must live your life, and you're the one who should choose how you will live it." "Should I call or write?" She smiled. "That, too, is up to you, honey. If you call, it's more personal, but she might corner you to where you don't know what to say, or maybe talk you into going back. If you write, it's less personal, but maybe emotionally safer, and you can't get trapped into answering questions, or made to feel you should return. You are very susceptible at this point, and easily swayed. You know your parents best, so you decide, and just to let you know, I don't envy you doing one or the other." The smile was gone, but a sympathetic look remained in her eyes. As I thought about it, I knew Liv was right: I was too susceptible, and if my mother talked me into going back, she would for sure tell the preacher, and they would all be praying for me, and making me feel ashamed of what I know is in me. It had to be a letter. "A letter, I think would be best for me. It would kill me for sure to go back. Yo—you're making me feel that I have a chance to live as I want to—I have to take that chance, and to learn as you have," I said, and looked up with pleading eyes at her to let me know if I made the right choice. "Will you be telling her the truth about yourself, or will you keep it hidden?" she asked. "Tell her, I guess. If I don't, she won't know why I left, and it'll worry her. She has to know sometime, I think. What do you think, Liv?" "I think you're looking at it from as many angles as possible, and that's good. So, if you're going to write her a letter, do it quickly so she doesn't worry too much, or for too long." I asked for paper and pen; she gave it to me, and I began writing. Liv was right in her thinking, or at least how I thought she was thinking, though I really wasn't sure, so I did tell her about believing I was a lesbian, and had been since before being baptized, and didn't want to shame them as I couldn't hide it anymore. I also told her I was with a friend, and didn't have any needs, which wasn't true. I had no clothes other than what I wore last night. How I would remedy that hadn't come to mind before, but I thought I'd probably have to find a job soon. Doing as I was took my mind off of what Liv had shown me in Genesis, and I think it gave me time to allow my mind to consider it all, and apparently to accept it. After all, it was in the bible just as Liv said it was. That, maybe more than anything, drove me to be deciding as I was, to stay with Liv for the present. When I was finished with the letter, I didn't put a return address on the envelope. "How about clothes? Are your parents always home, or away most of the day?" "Usually, they're both out during the day, but since I'm not there, my mother probably stayed at home waiting on me." "Okay, so let's go fix you up with some clothes unless you're super fond of what you're wearing. You could wash them every evening and make them to last a while longer, huh?" she said with a mock serious face, then looked at me with playful eyes. She kept making me smile at her. "Come on, girl, let's see what we can get for you." "Liv, I—I don't have any money," I protested, suddenly and very painfully aware of my circumstances. "Hm, yeah, so I guess you'll be a galley slave, and the head cook and bottle washer then. How about that? Ready to be my household slave?" she grinned. "I'll have to be, won't I?" I said, knowing a huge part of me wanted to be sorrowing, but Liv's face and playful words kept me from it, forcing a smile out of me. "Don't worry about it, honey. We'll get by, right?" Looking up at her, I slowly nodded hesitantly. * * * * I'd been in malls before, but always with my mother. To tell the truth, I don't think she cared for them, but on occasion, she found them useful. All of her feelings that they were too immoral, along with her nervousness that came from feeling as she did about them had translated themselves onto me. The problem with that was that since Liv told me about the discrepancy about Noah, many things were coming up in my mind as possibly not being as they seem, and this uneasiness I was having was automatic in me. That, in turn, had me worrying about affecting Liv. It was funny how what Liv showed me about Noah was stirring. I was wondering about many things, and all of them briefly—too briefly to consider them properly. How was it that one small thing could move me so much, cause my mind such consternation? "Hey, does being here bother you, hon?" Liv sensed my discomforts. "Yes, but I think it's only because of my mother not liking to be in malls. That just came to mind, but I think it's right. She always said they were too ungodly." "I'll have to confess that I think it's all gone a little too far, but then again, maybe we're just not quite ready for them. They do push sex a lot, like they want you to be tempting all the time. I like being tempting sometimes, but I do think they've gone too far, but that's just my opinion. Then again, it's an individual choice. On the other side, they also try to make everyone feel as if they have to have the latest gadget or they're nobody. But, for our purposes, there's a couple of great department stores where we can fix you up as you like, so that's good. One stop shopping, almost, eh?" she smiled so big it made me smile too. "Maybe you're right. You have been so far." "Oh, keeping score, are you?" she said playfully, giving me a sideways look with her smile. There was a mail box drop and I put the letter to my mother in it, then we went into one of those large department stores, and headed for the lingerie where she had me pick out what I wanted, or was comfortable with. Plain was what I always wore, and plain and as inexpensive as possible was what I picked. Liv didn't make any faces, or try to dissuade me one way or another. Next was outer clothes, some shorts from the discounted section, along with tops and skirts, as well as jeans, which I didn't wear, but the sale price was great. All-in-all, I had several bags full, and I felt a huge rush of guilt at Liv having spent so much. Of a truth, it wasn't really so much for the total quantity of items. Liv never said a word when I kept going to the clearance racks where I found most of what Liv insisted I have. Finished, we went to the food court and had a sandwich before we left. It was a rather nice experience save for the guilt I felt, Liv smiling incessantly or no. * * * * "Liv, how did you find out about what you showed me about Noah?" I asked once we were back at her home. She walked to where her books were. "Somewhat like you, it was crammed down my throat that being a lesbian was bad news. Since I knew it was something that just happened in me, that is, I didn't go out and read about it and tell myself, 'Gee, I think I'd like to try that.'. It was just there in me, but I wasn't raised in such a strict environment as it looks like you were, so I questioned why it was supposed to be wrong. I mean, my body demanded a woman, and was repelled by the thought of a man having sex with me." She laughed. "Remember me saying that one priest called me a bunch of names when I questioned him?" I nodded, and she went on. "Since I thought that I didn't do anything wrong because I felt as I did, I looked into it, and I also looked into the bible, religion, and how it all mixed in. Then a short while later, Proposition 8 started, and I'm still doing my looking, and will probably do it for a long time. It irks the heck out of me the way we get pushed around, and all of their answers just don't make sense. They want you to believe and never question, but then again, there are a lot of beliefs, so I figured, hey, this needs to be looked into." As I looked at her, and listened to her words, I felt intimidated. Why didn't I have that in me? Why had I never thought to question as Liv said she did? "Can you tell me how you questioned, or maybe what you found?" I asked her hearing my voice sounding so meek, like a little child wondering why someone had much and I had so little. "Yes, hon, I can. You'll have to remember that I'm still learning myself, but I have found out enough to know that they're wrong about it, wrong about being a lesbian, that is, and a lot of other things too." I had a feeling that she would teach me many things. There was an open honesty about her, the way she spoke, how she didn't push me. Even last night when she found me on the beach, she gently led me away from what I was going to do. And more, she still hadn't asked me for anything. She hadn't even tried to make love to me, not that she should want to, but I think she said I wasn't bad looking, or something like that. She was positive about what she knew, but had shown me why, at least so far. I had to learn more, to find out what she knew. It occurred to me that if she was right, that they were wrong, that I would have killed myself needlessly, and that caused a minor panic in my mind. What if I had succeeded in killing myself and Liv was right in what she said? Surely God would have been very displeased with me. It was an odd thought for me, but I was suddenly having many odd thoughts, and for the first time though that scared me too. "Uh, do you have to go to work?" I suddenly thought to ask. "I'm on a kind of sabbatical. Hey, you know what, maybe you can help me on my project. Think you'd like to do that?" "Yes, but I'm not sure I can. Uh, what is it?" She smiled again, but as often, with her eyes too. "Oh, I think you can, aaand," she dragged it out, that lovely smile of hers still playing on her lips, "we can kill two birds with one stone, as the saying goes." She was being playful, but I was becoming impatient with my need to know what her project was that I could help her with. There had to be something I could do to repay her in part for her kindnesses to me, and I wanted to if I could.