19 comments/ 28278 views/ 42 favorites If You're Reading This... By: JCdeSeingalt Savannah reached up and pulled the roller door down, closing the gym off from the rest of the world for the night. Barbells and power racks gleamed dully in the moonlight filtering through the high windows of the warehouse building turned gym, illuminating the traces of chalk dust that still hung in the air from the final class. After the rattle of the door the silence settled slowly as she started to make her way toward the light of the office at the end of the rectangular building. Movement caught her attention and she paused, her eyes straining to make out the shape of the figure in the dark. Suddenly light flashed dully off a line of medals and Matti was there in front of her. "Sav." Her voice was low, ragged. And demanding. Savannah's mind raced. A car started up outside and Matti tensed, relaxing only as the sound of the engine faded. Savannah felt her lip tremble as Matti's eyes returned to her face; she could see Matti's features now her eyes had adjusted to the darkness and it was a face that still held tension. Piercing raw copper eyes stared back, shielded behind a strong square jawline and cheekbones thrown into prominence by a hint of gauntness. Slightly arched eyebrows. An expressive mouth, the bottom lip slightly thicker than the top, the skin ragged from sun exposure and, despite the tension, the feint traces of an upward curve at the corners lingered playfully. Still the kid. Matti, my Matts. Savannah's eyes dropped to the uniform. All crisp lines intersecting each other at precise angles. A name, a rank and a row of accomplishments written in metal and ribbon. It was not a language she spoke or understood. Did those medals tell of stories that she could never believe of Matti, her little Matts? She looked up at Matti's face as a slow smile spread across it, not the cheeky grin that had masqueraded across her features as a kid but rather a subdued smile, a pained gash of bravery across her face that told a story she already knew. * "It's time to go I think." Savannah's heart sunk, the moment she had been dreading was creeping up and she couldn't ignore it anymore, "Okay kid." She picked up her car keys and they silently stood and started making their way out to the car park. Matti staggered slightly and Savannah wrapped an arm around her. "Better not do that when I get you home or your parents will kill me." she berated half heartedly, not sure that she could tell someone who had signed their life over to the military in a time of war, not to drink under age. Matti leaned over and brushed her lips drunkenly against Savannah's forehead, "No they won't. I'm an Army brat, dad would be damn angry, but a little proud that I have the type of friends who got me drunk before I was even eighteen." Savannah smiled as the lithe teenager slipped from her arms and took up her usual position in the passenger seat, as if she were catching a ride home from someone else's farewell party. The rest of the trip passed in silence. The drive was long and the night air cool. Matti changed the radio station and she flipped it back in an argument that had lasted so long they didn't bother to verbalise it anymore. Matti didn't change it back; she was staring out the window, her thoughts obviously far away and Savannah didn't know what to say. Even if she had words for the occasion she doubted she would get too far without breaking down in tears. So she changed the station back to Matti's choice and stared at the pools of road passing by under her headlights. When they finally pulled up outside Matti's house Savannah walked around the car and pulled Matti into a hug. She held on for as long as she could, trying to remember the way it felt, trying to pretend it wasn't happening, and failing at both. Matti gripped her in a powerful squeeze for a moment then released and held her gently. She gave one more squeeze then squirmed and pulled away. "Thanks Sav. I'll see you sometime." She smiled. Not her usual ear to ear grin that paraded across her face day and night but a slow, subdued smile. A brave gash in a face full of pain. Savannah stuttered, trying to fill the silence, to draw out the moment just a minute longer, then her tongue found the very words she didn't want to say, "See ya kid. Be safe...Come back sometime." With that Matti turned and walked into the house. * Savannah shook her head, realizing her thoughts had drifted. So many years ago. But that smile... like a nightmare déjà vu. "Are you thirsty?" It was awkward but it was the clearest thought she had managed to grab a hold on since Matti walked into the gym in the middle of her last class. Her visions of dropping her stopwatch and racing across to launch herself at the returned soldier were eroded by thoughts of how fast the news would reach her girlfriend. So she had smiled. Waved. And pointed toward her office. Matti had ignored her gesture and stood to one side of the class, unmoving, until it had ended and Savannah had ushered her last client out. Matti nodded and followed as Savannah made her way toward the glass front refrigerators behind the reception desk. She pulled a coconut water from the fridge and Matti smiled for the first time since she had walked in. "You know this is what bought me home." She took the bottle from Savannah's outstretched hand as it was offered to her. Savannah frowned, "What?" Mattie took a swig. "Coconut water silly. On those long hot fighting days in Afghan I'd think of standing here, drinking a cold coconut water." She smiled but this time it was the impish grin that had charmed Savannah from the day they had first met. Savannah picked at the label on her bottle. "How was it?" Matti shrugged. "Hot. And distinctly lacking in cold coconut water. War truly is hell." This time they both smiled, only Savannah smiled with relief as her eyes flicked over the row of medals on Matti's chest. Thoughts of moments spent skipping between the news channels when word came that soldiers had been killed filled her with the familiar coat of goose bumps even as Matti stood here. Safe. Alive. That momentary joy when the photograph of Matti in uniform before the flag didn't appear amongst the pictures of young men and women paraded across the screen. But it would only be a tiny release before the sickening crash into a haze of guilt and pain at knowing that someone else had lost their someone. That someone else now had to mourn. But for today, and today only, it would not be her. The oncoming night still held endless possibilities, as did the days and nights that would follow. Alive for now. For today. "I'm sorry Sav..." Savannah looked up sharply as Matti spoke, cutting her off, "Sorry for what?" She almost added kid to the end of the sentence but there was no way that word fitted the uniformed woman in front of her anymore. "For everything you haven't told me about. The waiting, the worrying, the fear." Matti's deep eyes explored hers and she felt them beginning to prick with tears. She swallowed hard. "It's ok. You were the one out there." Matti smiled. "Savvy, that's the easy place to be. Where you have the weapon and some control over what happens. Back here where you just have to wait, pray and hope, that's where it's hardest." Savannah nodded, tears beginning to arc down her face, turning her eyes into a glittering blue ocean under the moonlight in the gym. Finally someone understood. Someone caught up in the same mess, thinking the same thoughts. She swiped at them furiously. It didn't seem to be right to cry in front of a soldier. Some of the same thoughts at least. There was that other mess. She couldn't tell Matti the whole truth: the hardest part was the fear of showing a tiny smile when she spoke of Matti in front of Nikki, the fear of dropping her eyes and blushing just enough to let her girlfriend know. The silent prayers to keep Matti's photograph hidden as Nikki rifled through her wallet searching for change for the bus. The stolen moments spent hunched over the letters at her desk, pretending to work, instead pouring her heart out to a woman half way across the world. She could never explain the guilt at feeling Nikki take her hand and wishing it was Matti. How she would lie to herself to justify it, ignoring the lump of excitement that filled her at the thought of the soldier's touch. Only because it would mean she is safe. Here with me. And safe. Nothing more. But safe was the problem. Nikki was safe. Blindly loyal to Savannah. Everything a normal life was supposed to be surrounded Nikki – cuddles in bed, nagging over chores, thoughtful surprises and shared bills. A safe place. Matti on the other hand... She watched Matti stand in front of her. Her weight was always in the balls of her feet. Hands half clenched. Always ready to move. Violence of action: gaining the upper hand through physical and psychological momentum. She had explained it once, putting words to the thrilling intensity Savannah felt around the woman. It was a definition meant for war, but now it applied to everything – a walk on the beach, a trivial argument, a friendly smile, a late visit...the touch of her hand. The explanation had been an attempt to soothe Savannah, instead it just made her uneasily giddy whenever Matti was around. In a cruel paradox it made her long for what was safe, until Matti was gone and then Savannah longed for that intensity again, would do anything for the thrill of being the focus of those copper eyes. She closed her eyes. * "Really? The news again? When did you become so interested in world affairs huh? Nothing but nastiness, commercialism and violence. Not my cup of tea." Nikki dropped down onto the couch beside her and Savannah fumbled with the remote as she tried to flick to a different channel. Nikki grabbed it from her hand and laughed, "Butterfingers. I'm missing my show." Savannah looked away as tears began to prick at the corners of her eyes. There had been another IED blast in Afghanistan and two soldiers had been killed and three injured. Stable but critical condition. Families were being notified. She could only hope that Matti's mother would call her if something happened. Matti had taken Savannah to dinner with her mother just before she left and had not objected to the comments the older woman made about the chemistry between the two of them. Savannah asked her about it afterwards as they walked along a beach, the silver moonlit surf breaking over their bare feet, splashing the rolled up bottoms of their pants. Matti shrugged, said it was better that way, said she didn't want Savannah finding out from the news, you know, if something happened. This way her mother would know to call... Savannah had turned away then too, tears piercing her eyes. But Matti had sensed it, had stopped walking and waited for Savannah to turn back. Had taken her into her arms and just held her, resting her chin over Savannah's bent head, cradling her into the curve of her neck, safe and warm. Never speaking, but just waiting for the small shivers of sobs to subside. Nikki grabbed Savannah's shoulder and pulled her round to face her. "What's wrong hun?" Her concern showed on her face, honest and open but obviously slightly distracted by the start of her show on the TV. Savannah swiped at her eyes, "Nothing Niks, I'm just exhausted, you know, work and...stuff." She swallowed hard hoping Nikki would buy it but she need not have worried as Nikki squeezed her shoulder and turned back to the TV. Savannah stole a subtle glance to check her phone again. * There was one question that was tearing her apart but it did not seem to be the time to ask it. She swallowed harder and started to walk toward the light of her office, hoping to have composed herself by the time they reached it. As she moved she realized Matti had not followed her, so she stopped and turned. Matti stood in front of the roller door, the half empty coconut water in her hand, watching Savannah walk away. "Do you want me to go Sav?" Her words were soft but so clear in the cooling night air. Simple words that insinuated so much more. The tone suggested it would be the final time they parted. That Savannah could return to the life she had before Matti suddenly appeared in the weeks before her deployment. That Savannah could forget it all and try to fix her relationship with Nikki that had floundered in the year she had spent flicking through news channels. A part of her wished that Matti's tone had been different. Don't make me choose Matti. You know that Nikki would never win that fight. You know and you're forcing the hand. Fuck you. Fuck you and your violence of action. She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut. Savannah's resolve dissipated and the question spilled as soon as her eyes opened, "First tell me, are you going back?" Matti stood with a stillness that could only be exhibited by a drilled soldier. Her pupils bore a thrill, twisting her left eye into a slight squint, pulling the left side of her face into a tiny curling grimace of a smile. She's going. She's going and she wants to go. Savannah felt her legs weaken. It would have been easier to take if Matti had looked down at the floor as she did when she was unsure, or had fidgeted like she did when she was waiting for Savannah to pass her opinion on something. If Matti had exhibited any of those little tells she had known so well then Savannah could hold onto that little sliver of hope. But that slow definite movement of suppressed excitement told Savannah that she could not talk Matti out of this. It spoke of a fate already sealed for a soldier, of another year in the dust and the heat doing things Savannah feared to know about. "When?" "I have three months to get myself fit again. For pre-deployment training with my new unit. We'll be gone two months after that" She paused, "Tell me Sav, do you want me to go now?" * That pained smile was back. The airport bustled around them but that smile remained the only thing Savannah could truly focus on. She shivered as her pants pressed against her legs, still damp from the beach the night before. Matti saw the movement and put her coffee down, stood and pulled her jacket off before draping it over her shoulders as she slid into the booth seat beside her. Savannah squirmed in protest but Matti's hand held the jacket firmly against her shoulders until she settled and huddled into the residual warmth it still held. Her hands stayed and for a moment Savannah hoped that Matti would slip her arm around her shoulders one last time. Instead she rubbed her back gently and unconsciously shifted the jacket on Savannah's shoulders to account for the awkward fit, and then let go, returning her hands to her steaming cup of coffee. Savannah looked up at her, suddenly aware that Matti was somewhere else. Her eyes were turned up to the large flat screen in the corner where soldiers in multicam dashed across sand and rocks with a stretcher to a waiting helicopter, rifles bumping against their legs as they made a frantic dash to try and save their friend. "Matti." Savannah grabbed her hand and Matti turned to look at her, the faraway stare dissipating as she smiled that pained grin at Savannah. "Yeah, Savs. Sorry I just got distracted." Savannah reached out and squeezed her hand. "Matti, I need you to come home. Please promise me you will come back home. We could be..." Matti smiled ruefully and cut off her sentence before she said something she would later regret, "Home Savs?" her voice piqued slightly at the end of the question. "I don't think we have the same definition of where home is for me." She paused, a hint of iron gilding the copper tone of her eyes as she sat a little taller in the seat, shifting away from the closeness she had slipped into beside Savannah. "Dad was a fourth generation soldier. He never came home really. He was there in body, but his mind...that was always with his unit, wherever he had left them. War was his love. Family was his duty." Her eyes flicked up to the images on the TV and Savannah saw how her uniform looked a little crisper and how her posture seemed a little sharper. As she spoke Matti had melted away and now a soldier sat beside her "We're not so different him and I. As much as I hate him for never being there I have become just like him. My saving grace might just be that I won't curse a lover or a family with my absence." The soldier looked down and spread her hands out on the table, examining them in deep thought. "When I was sixteen these hands signed a contract that broke my mother's heart. Then they were given a weapon. They have cleaned this weapon until she shines beautifully and they are black with carbon, grit and oil. They have fired that rifle, carried it, killed with it and caressed it. They have fixed her when she was broken and cradled her at night when I sleep. They know the rifle by feel in the dark; maybe in another life they may have known a lover the same way. Who knows?" She turned her hands over and stared at the lines mapping the backs, seeing something that wasn't there anymore, something that had been scrubbed away before coming home from the last tour. Dirt, oil, blood. She sucked in a breath and her eyes focused again before continuing, "Four years and two tours later and these hands have now also staunched bleeding and when that doesn't work they have held the hands of the dying. Or unfolded a flag over the dead in the back of a vibrating noisy-as-fuck helicopter flying over some place most people couldn't even find on a map. They have carried letters from the dead to the family that mourn. Letters that were written 'just in case' but now need to be delivered. But these hands, they have never had someone to write their own letter to." She looked up. "So tell me Savs, where is home? Because as far as I can tell my home is anywhere I carry a rifle or tighten a tourniquet." * "So soon?" Savannah blurted. Matti nodded, still staring coolly at Savannah, "I volunteered to go. They need medics." Savannah's head spun. The icy coldness of the bottle in her hand crept up her arm and into her chest seeming to suck the oxygen from her lungs as she tried to scream an answer. She dropped the bottle, "No. No... You can't come back and then leave me so soon. Not again." Anger began to swell through her and she strode toward Matti, "Why did you come back here just to leave again? Why didn't you just stay there? Seeing as you love it so much why don't you just stay away?" She closed the space between them finally pausing as she came face to face with Matti. Studying her face Savannah could see a small conflict of emotion for just a moment, then the corners of Matti's mouth turned up slightly to form a thin straight line and her eyes set with a slight narrowing. There you go again. Amazing how you just turn that emotion off. Pretending you don't really care about me because you might just have to choose between somebody else's war and me. Her silence grated at Savannah. Her blankness elicited an overwhelming rage in Savannah that drove away the fear and filled her with...with what?...hate...contempt...fury...terror...helplessness... Madness, a maddening desire to break this soldier down and find the human beneath. To bring back that Matti who had once been young enough, trusting enough and weak enough to let undisguised love show in her eyes when she looked at Savannah. This is your fault. You ignored that look. You ignored it and let her go to a place that would only take her to war...you are as much to blame for this as she is. If You're Reading This... Reaching out, her hands found the front of Matti's shirt and she grabbed hold of the crisp material, pulling her close and beginning to shake Matti as she found her voice, "Why do you need to go back Matti? You went once and it hurt, it hurt so much to have you here for a few days, knowing where you were going and hardly having time to get to know you again and to acknowledge how you...how my feelings had changed." She gasped, the tears had begun to fall, leaving dark marks on Matti's shirt as they splattered onto the material, "Then you come back and apologize for hurting me just to say you're going again. Why did you come back? I told you to come home Matti, not to come visit...to come home!" She paused, surprised at her own self. Her lungs sucked in oxygen as she realized she was out of breath, and then just hiccupped it out amongst her tears. She couldn't raise her eyes to Matti's so she stared at her shirt, those carefully pressed lines of material had crumpled as she pulled at it with one hand and hit Matti's chest with the other and the neat rows of medals and pins had skewed and contorted. Despite this Matti had remained still under the onslaught, staring vacantly past Savannah's heaving shoulders. * "Contact. Explosion. Wait. Out" Matti wiped the dust off her sunglasses and face, pulled at her gloves and flexed her fingers before wrapping them around her weapon. Silence had descended over the open field for a split second between the patter of falling dirt and the first shot singing between the prone troops before kicking into the dirt behind them. Matti idly spun figures through her head. If the village is two hundred meters away and the muzzle velocity of an AK-47 fired from that village is seven hundred and fifteen meters per second, assuming that three hundred and forty meters per second is the speed of sound at this elevation and in these conditions, will you hear the shot that kills you? She smiled ruefully. Technically no. The bullet would beat the sound by roughly 0.3 of a second. Technically she wouldn't hear the shot that killed her. If she died immediately. It seemed like such a shame to die without the beautiful echo of the final shot fired in your war echoing in your ears. The explosion had kicked up a miniature dust storm that had blossomed upwards and was just beginning to drift down on the momentary stillness below when suddenly the radio kicked up a storm of its own. "Man down." echoed through Matti's ears and she instinctively reached out and grabbed the Private beside her as he flinched into action. He may have been older than her but he was much younger in experience. "Stay down Jacob." She pressed two buttons on her watch without lowering her rifle from its resting position. A metallic zing echoed through the still air, followed by a crack in the distance at the riffle of activity that the broadcast kicked up amongst the troops. "Sergeant, man down. We have to go." "No, stay put." She paused. Another zing echoed past. He stopped. Confused for a moment. Then his face dropped into a slack jawed moment of clarity, "We're being shot at." Matti nodded, "First time eh?" A host of crackling greeted another spattering of rounds as the soldiers around them began to return fire toward the village. She turned toward the soldier huddled against the embankment thirty meters in front of her and began to yell. "Drake. Man down. Repeat man down. I need to go forward..." she motioned down the canal and across the open field where the dust still concealed the carnage. She didn't have to finish the sentence. The grim faced soldier raised his hand in reply. "Jacob, when Drake starts firing I'll cover and you get to that bridge, then you cover me. Understand?" The young Private swallowed hard, the fear in his eyes apparent. Matti smiled at him, "Fire and maneuver. Like you were trained." He nodded, paused and then flung himself forward before Drake had even settled back against the embankment with his rifle. Matti shook her head and grinned at the rookie's mistake as she lowered her cheek to the butt of her weapon, took a sighting, paused and squeezed the trigger. They leap-frogged forward along the canal, the young Private a mess of flailing arms and legs and unsteady covering fire, Matti calm and composed and doing her utmost to keep Jacob safe. Finally she tumbled into the lukewarm shade of a building beside him. Beyond it a blackened and charred mess of debris scattered across the sand, smoke and dust still waving back and forth in the gusting breeze. "What have we got?" One of the soldiers crouched behind the wall turned to her. "Shrapnel in this one," he gestured at the soldier on a stretcher before him, holding a bloody dressing to his own head wound. "One of the EOD guys is still out there. They were investigating when the IED went off. The other one, he's...he's gone - it was fucking huge," he flicked his wrist at the shrapnel scarring the walls that now sheltered them, Matti nodded, she knew how an explosion could shred a body into pieces so small it looked like the person had disappeared. She reached out and touched the shoulder of a young Private sitting beside her, his rifle lying on the ground and his eyes vacant, "Hey buddy, it's okay." She knew the look; some got it the first time they saw these things, some on the twenty-first time. She picked up his rifle and placed it in his hands, "You need to do what you've been trained to do." He refocused, never quite looking her in the eye and began nodding as his hands went through familiar drills his weapon. Her eyes flicked to his nametag, noting it down for future reference. Early treatment could improve his outcomes, but she knew no matter what she did this soldier would never really be the same again. She kept her hand on his shoulder as she turned back to Max who started speaking again. "We tried to get 'im Boss but they just kept fucking shooting. Sniper somewhere amongst the buildings but we can't fucking see 'im." the Lieutenant paused and looked out at the front of the vehicle, "He was down but he was moving. He was fucking moving but then they started shooting at him. He's dead. I think. He stopped moving after that..." Matti reached out and touched the soldier, staunching the rapid flow of his words before they degenerated into self-blame. "You did the right thing Max." her mind registered Max's tone when he reference the remaining EOD tech and her heartbeat slowed, pounding through her ears. She looked at her hand on Max's shoulder and then at the other, still on the shoulder of the young private fussing with his weapon. A slow feeling of dread began to rise, she had seen these two together on base, walking...walking with... "Who is it Max, who's out there?" Max dropped his eyes, "It's Liam." Matti nodded as Max raised his eyes to stare at her. A metallic wash of blood registered on her taste buds as her teeth bit into the side of her tongue. The sullen pain helped her keep her face straight, an instinctive trick. She bit harder as the flood of dread swelled up, gripped her chest and squeezed and then rolled over her, trying not to let the tension reach her hands resting on both soldiers. She paused and assessed the soldier on the stretcher, "He's yours Jacob. Sort him out. Max will help. Did a nine-liner go out?" A soldier huddled over a radio nodded. "Nine-liner received. Evac not authorized. They want to know how bad he is." Matti swore. "This guy here won't die anytime soon, but that poor son-of-a-bitch out there...Fuck. I'm going to try get a look. You're doing great Jacob," she nodded at the young Private working on the moaning soldier, "yell out if you need me." Matti dropped onto her stomach, and began to creep forward toward the side of the building. She scanned the debris field before her until she caught sight of a blackened lump that was the only thing still large enough to be a human. As she watched movement shuddered through the form and Matti swore again. It may have been the wind in his clothing but it may have been signs of life. She had to go to him and give her friend that chance. She turned to address the soldiers behind her, the movement drew fire, and she threw herself backwards as splinters of wood laced the side of her face from the ricochet. "I'm good." she grinned at the stunned faces of the soldiers who stared as blood started to run down her face. The soldier in the canal to the side of the building yelled out, "Got 'im Boss. Sniper on the roof of the blown up building to the west of the ridge. The one partly missing the front wall." "Roger that," she paused, "Right Max, here's what I'm thinking. You lay down some of the good stuff on that fucker while I get Liam." She grinned and wiped at the blood on her face as if it were the easiest thing in the world, as if there weren't men screaming to each other around her, as if the very air she breathed wasn't thick with the dust of an explosion, as if...as if she had nobody to go home to. She shook her thoughts away. Max swore at her then made an offer to come with her. Matti shook her head, "Max-a-million. I love your wife and kids to bits. You aren't coming with me and that's an order, given to me by your wife before we left. And as far as I know Wife of the Lieutenant outranks the Lieutenant. If you want to be helpful throw smoke." The big man nodded his face pale but grateful for her reprieve. He touched the top pocket where he kept the pictures he showed her every time he sat beside her at the mess. Max turned and began to yell orders over the continuing gunfire. Soldiers scrambled. Matti closed her eyes, fingered the trigger of her rifle and drank in the last moment she had before Max lobbed the canister out, signaling the start of her desperate dash to the soldier. She pushed Max's warning out of her head, trying to lose the thought that there may be more undetected explosive devices buried in the sand she was about to cross, trying to lose the thought of the lack of cover out in the field, trying to ignore the rocks that littered the ground, loose underfoot and so easy to trip over. Instead her mind found Savannah behind her closed lids. It replayed the pure smile of joy that careened across her face the moment she recognized Matti at the beach party. The way the firelight had trickled through her blue eyes, making them sparkle with excitement. The way Savannah's fingers had dug into Matti's skin through the thin cotton singlet she was wearing. The way she had not cared who saw them embrace or who saw her kiss Matti on the forehead, resting her button nose against Matti's as she hugged her friend. Both of them entwined, drinking in that moment too, knowing it couldn't last. The first and last time she had done that since Matti saw her arguing with Nikki afterwards. Saw Nikki push her over. Started running... Matti opened her eyes, cursed at herself and gripped her rifle tighter with one hand and reached up to touch the photograph in her right breast pocket, her fingers hesitating for a moment and then shifting to touch the tourniquets that sat ensconced in her left pocket instead. She had made her choice. Her heart beat steadily against her chest, strong but not fast. She settled into the moment, feeling the weight of the rifle in her hands and noting how the smell of cordite had become acrid in her nostrils. A feint veneer over the stench of the shit laden canal water. Nice for a change. Focus. Move fast. Stay low. Watch where your feet go. Grab and drag if you can. Back the exact route you went out. The. Exact. Route. Come home...please come home. Right here. We could be happy if you come home, we could be together if you come home...we could be... She shook her mind clear of the fantasies of how that sentence could have ended as a rock beneath her left boot gave way slightly as she shifted her weight onto her back leg; her calf trembled slightly then steadied. A small bead of sweat trickled its way down the side of her face stinging as it soaked into the freshly clotting blood on her face. She felt centered. Max bobbed up and threw the canister. Her ears caught the clink of it bouncing across the ground. She watched Max as he moved then looked back over the wall. Once. He moved again. Looked over. Twice. Move. Look. Third time lucky. He gave her the thumbs up. The dry air burned her throat as she sucked in one breath and then another, forcing the heavy weight of it from her lungs. She had made her choice. This was where she belonged. * Matti grasped Savannah's flailing arms and gently held them still. "My duty is out there Sav. But that doesn't mean I haven't come home. As long as I still can I will come back here...right here... I'll keep coming home as long as you want me to." Savannah stopped struggling, her anger dissipating in a sudden rush, only to be replaced by confusion. She had said it. Home. Right here. Come home. Home. This was home. Her head reeled and she felt the gentle squeeze of Matti's hands loosen as she stopped fighting the soldier and slumped against her chest instead. Savannah fought to gain control of her breathing and lifted her face. Matti's lips were there, waiting for her. Home. She hesitated briefly, but the touch of those rough lips, still chapped from a sun beating down on a foreign land, held hers so gently. Matti is not the only one coming home. She pushed her fingers over Matti's collar and up the back of her neck, sliding them through her short hair and then she was kissing Matti back. The release she felt was more than physical. Her mind quieted for the first time since she had first seen Matti on the beach more than a year ago, for the first time since Matti had stopped showing up on Facebook and didn't answer her emails or letters. She was home right here with Matti, her Matts. Matti felt the roughened edges of her chapped lips scraping against Savannah's lips and paused. A sense of urgency raced through her veins as she felt the delicate touch of Savannah's hands sifting through her hair, pulling her into the kiss. She tried to pull back, to mumble an explanation of why she was here, why she had made the decision to purchase a connecting flight at the airport that morning. Her hand unconsciously reached up and touched the manila envelope in her breast pocket, fumbled with the button, and then gave in as she felt Savannah's tongue slide between her lips. How could she ever find the words to explain how she came to write the letter in her pocket that was addressed simply to 'Savannah'? * "Jacob get me some water." Matti was deaf to the anger in her voice but Jacob heard it clearly and scrambled desperately to find her pack. Matti cracked the cap of the tube and lifted the Liam's head slightly, gently spilling the water against his lips. "Sarge, you can't give him fluid, he needs surgery..." Matti looked up at the young Private voicing his objections and he fell silent. His eyes scanned the burned flesh and material splattered with bright patches of red and crusted dirt. He took a small step back in revulsion as his eyes darted from the remnants of the soldier's face to Matti and locked on to her, the only sense of calm he could find amongst the chaos that had erupted. The young soldier with the radio yelled across to Matti, "Evac ETA twenty minutes, repeat twenty mikes." Matti looked at her watch. The timer she had started had ticked over to 1h:23m. The remaining two digits raced on and soon it read 1h:24m. "Matts," the soldier on the stretcher snapped into a sudden moment of clarity. His fingers fumbled at his breast pocket, digging through the torn material until he grasped a ragged blood stained bit of paper, "Matti, give this to my fiancé. I meant to give it to you before we left the FOB just in case... and I...I forgot. I'm so stupid." Matti took his hand as it fumbled with the paper, and he slumped. "You aren't stupid Liam. You don't need to worry about that letter now." He lay back, "Am I going to be okay Matts?" She nodded. But Jacob noticed her fingers gently clasped the bloodstained letter almost tenderly as she took Liam's hand in hers, exerting just enough pressure to pin it down, but not enough for the soldier to feel her preventing the desert wind from dragging it away. * Matti was gentle in ways Savannah had not foreseen in the raunchy dreams that occasionally haunted her sleep. And yet she was rough in ways Savannah's mind would never have dreamed up. Her hands found Savannah's waist and hard callouses rubbed over soft skin as they crept under her cotton tee, pulling her closer but making her gasp as they raked her skin. Matti's teeth grazed her lower lip, a tiny chip in one scraping at the sensitive flesh painfully, as she pushed her lips hard against Savannah's. Savannah pulled back, sobbing for breath. "Matti, please...gently..." Matti touched her face, traced her lips, red and puffy from the recent contact then kissed her again. There was a controlled urgency in her now, her tongue running over Savannah's lips one moment, her teeth gently nibbling the next as she explored tentatively waiting for Savannah to kiss back. Savannah bought her fists down against Matti's shoulders and took a step back, breaking the kiss in a sudden fit of guilt. She began to stammer, her eyes wide, trying to find the words but only sputtering Nikki's name semi coherently as her voice died in her throat. Matti was gripping her shoulder; her face was contorted in a fierce grimace of pain. "Matts?" Savannah reached for her other shoulder and Matti flinched away. "What's wrong Matti?" Savannah's reached for Matti's hand, "Come sit down." She pulled a plyometric box down from a pile and wiped the chalk dust away with her hand. Matti paused. "Matts, I'm sorry. Please just sit down. You look pale." Her eyes implored until Matti made her way over and settled on the box, resting her back against the cool wall behind her. Savannah crouched down in front of Matti, resting her hands on her knees, "Are you ok? Is it bad? Can I get you anything?" Matti laughed, "Easy Savs, one question at a time." Savannah's eyes stared at Matti's whitened knuckles then her eyes flicked back to those medals again, "What happened Matti?" Matti shrugged, "You don't need to worry Sav, it's done and I...well I'm still here aren't I, all fingers and, well, fingers are all we need to worry about right now and they're all present and accounted for." Savannah's jaw clenched at Matti's attempt at humor and her eyes flicked up to Matti's face angrily. Her eyes sank into a melting pot of emotion as Matti gazed back at her and Savannah's anger faded as she realized what that flippancy covered. In Matti's eyes she saw a moment of a terrible truth. Only then did she notice the small knot of scar tissue across the bridge of Matti's nose and the pale silvery trail that was gently blotted over with carefully applied make-up. It led over Matti's cheekbone, across her eye and left a feint trail of bare skin through her eyebrow, fading as it reached her temple. Her eyes dropped. Another arced down the front of her neck, dropping under her collar, rubbed a raw red color by the chafing material of the uniform she wore every day. Her hands tugged at the top button of Matti's shirt, furious at her blind ignorance of all the signs, which were soon lost again as her eyes blurred with tears. Soon Matti's hands tightened on hers prying her long fingers away and Savannah struggled momentarily, "I want to see Matts." If You're Reading This... Matti's grip tightened painfully on Savannah's hands as her face twisted again, knots of muscle bulging at the corner of her jaw, contorting her face momentarily. "Matti, you're hurting me, please." Matti released her and studied the palms of her hands, "I'm sorry Savs, I'm so sorry." Tremors ran through her hands as she turned them over and studied the backs of them. Savannah gently pushed her fingers through Matti's, first inspecting her knuckles, chipped with scar tissue, before sliding her fingers over them and clasping gently. Her eyes pried the soldier's downcast gaze and found it empty. Nothing registered with those eyes, they were eyes trying to forget. She raised Matti's hands to her lips and kissed them, "Matti, it's ok," She stood, and when Matti's eyes focused again landing on Savannah's fingers intertwined with hers she saw a small glimmer of tension fade from that pale pained face. She mumbled at Savannah's shoes, "Savs...I...I don't want to scare you...I'm a mess...This wasn't meant to come out now." Savannah pulled herself closer and felt Matti press herself into the wall at the movement, her eyes dropping away to emptiness again. "Matti?" her first call returned the focus to Matti's eyes but she still didn't look up. "Was it ever going to come out? Were you ever going to tell me?" Matti pulled her hands away and crossed them against her chest, shaking her head. Savannah touched her chin and lifted her face, catching her eyes with hers. Then Matti nodded. Savannah's mind skittered through her thoughts, trying to distill the jumble of emotion into a sentence Matti could understand. Finally she spoke, "Matts, babes. I don't care what it looks like. It doesn't matter. To me. You're still my Matti." She moved forward, straddling Matti's lap and feeling Matti's legs twitch with tension at the sudden invasion of her space. Savannah settled against her even though it felt like she was resting against a brick wall. Matti's shoulders hunched slightly and her arms remained tightly against her chest as Savannah gently covered her enclosed fists with her hands. Her mind reeled, casting back to Nikki for a moment, but through her confusion Savannah could only think of how long she had wished for this moment, how many times she had regretted not doing this before Matti left. She had told Matti to come back, but she never gave her something worth coming back to. And then Matti was walking toward the boarding gate and Savannah was still sitting in that booth, watching, waiting for her to turn and look back. Somehow a part of her was still waiting at that airport, waiting for Matti to turn back. Just once. She had told herself the feeling would fade with time. It hadn't. Every day the thought grew stronger, the regret blossomed. Come back sometime kid. Come home Matti. But I won't be waiting for you. Come back and watch me hold hands with another. Hear me talk about the house her and I may buy soon. See my eyes lust for you even as we discuss mortgages. As we discuss discussions her and I have had about having kids. I'll tell you I love her then I'll ignore the emptiness in your smile if you ignore the emptiness in my eyes. She gently lifted Matti's chin with one finger and leant forward until her forehead rested on Matti's, the tip of her nose brushed the bent bridge of Matti's and then softly settled. She waited. Matti's eyes were closed but slowly the tension dissipated from her. Her hands reached up around Savannah's neck, stroking the short sandy blond strands of hair she found there and Savannah felt her body melt into Matti's as the soldier's muscles released from their rigid protest at her presence. Matti's hands rippled through her hair then fell still, holding the back of her head and Savannah found herself suddenly at peace. Come home so I can fix this. So I can make it right. Come home so I can try. Matti broke away first, her eyes searching Savannah's for a moment and then, not finding that shade of doubt any longer, she slowly began to undo the buttons of her shirt. Savannah's heart began to race as she caught the moment of surrender in Matti's eyes and she bent her neck and nuzzled her lips against Matti's, searching for any last trace of hesitation Matti may have. * "Captain?" The tall lanky man spun at the sound of Matti's voice, "Hey Doc, what can I do for you?" Matti fidgeted with the manila envelope in her hands and the Captain's face frowned, "Matt, you're wasting your time..." "Please Captain," Matti handed him the envelope, "Her address is in there, please, as my friend and someone who knew my father well, all I ask is you stay with her when she reads it. Just make sure she's okay." "You've never given me one before." The Captain held the envelope as if it were filled with lead instead of a piece of paper. "Just last time, when Liam tried to give me his letter for his fiancé. Just, the blood, it ruined the letter. I had to fucking rewrite it...I don't want that. So please." Her mind shot back to the bloody rag of paper she had unfolded. To the spatters of maroon dried blood where Liam's boots had fallen to the floor as the doctors had cut them off. The weight of Liam's dog tags around her neck afterwards as she tried to scrub those stains away with whatever she could find, his body cooling on the bed beside her. The dark purple welts of blood pooling beneath her skin where her fists had smashed against the shower wall as she let the water wash over her. Icy cold. Deep red rivulets washing over her uniform, finally fading to clear liquid and carrying the last touch of Liam she had down the drain. The coppery tang of fresh blood that filled the air as she tried to dig out the tiny flecks of dried blood and mud still left under her fingernails from that day. The blot of a tear and the slow tint of red that spread over the dried brown blood on the paper as she re-wrote the letter Liam had written to the woman he loved. The cloying wash of blood over her taste buds as she bit at her lip, standing motionless, watching. Her eyes seeing nothing but darkness, forcing her to wrestle with the letter she knew she had to write. Minutes turning to hours as the longest night faded and the dawn slowly washed color into the flag draped over Liam's coffin. Blue. White. Red. The Captain broke her silence, "Roger that. But I'm just going to hand it back to you in a few months. You're wasting my time Sergeant." Matti smiled. "It'd be my pleasure to waste your time Captain. I just..." The Captain nodded. He knew how the rest of that sentence went. He had heard it from her father once. His shoulders slumped in defeat and Matti felt the struggle that had raged inside her from that night guarding Liam's coffin begin to ebb. She turned and made her way out of the control center before she could request the letter back. As she crossed the sand and dust to the waiting helicopters she felt every step that took her further from the letter dragged a little more uncertainty from her. By the time she met Jacob, waiting with their packs under the rotor wash of their helicopter, she felt completely at ease. There was nothing left to do but to get on with it now. The circles under Jacob's eyes told a different story. He had struggled since the death of Liam. But he had stopped calling her Sergeant in the field and reverted to 'Boss' like everyone else, a few extra magazines had appeared in his webbing, and she had seen him open a package containing an assortment of non-issue combat application tourniquets and blood coagulant granules that had disappeared quietly into his pockets. She smiled ruefully, she was almost sure the extra tourniquet was ordered with her in mind. They had grown close and his every move was almost an echo of her, in another time and place they may have been mistaken for twins. She grabbed her pack from him and leant forward to yell in his ear, "You take point today." Jacob stared at her, "Really boet?" Boet, brother, despite being female she still earned the title from this young man. She smiled at his sudden break into the Afrikaans language of his childhood as his excitement caught hold of him and she nodded, imitating his thick accent in her reply, "Ja my brother, you're ready. You've earned it, Boettie." She paused long enough to watch his face burst into a grin before she hunched down to dash through the dust being kicked up by the rotor wash. He may have signed on as infantry, but she was turning him into a medic. Slowly. * Matti never faltered, her lips deepening the kiss with abject certainty. Satisfied, Savannah leant back, her hands cupped Matti's face and she kissed her forehead, then the tip of her nose and finally back to her lips as her hands moved down her neck, across her shoulders, and down over her chest until her hands caught up with Matti's as they fumbled with the stiff buttons. She pushed them away, her stomach lurching, as she broke the last few buttons free of their clasps and dragged Matti's shirt off her shoulders. Excitement? Trepidation? Matti sat up to let her rip the offending material from her arms and her lips found Savannah's again as her shirt clattered to the floor. Beneath a plain white tee shirt clung to Matti's torso and Savannah paused, her eyes probing Matti's, searching for an answer as her fingers fiddled with the plain white cotton. "I don't have to...I mean it's okay if you want to keep this on..." her eyes strayed to where it rubbed against that scar on her neck. Matti's eyes focused on hers and she shook her head. "It's fine Matts, really. I don't need you to take it off..." Matti shook her head again and reached down, helping Savannah to pull the shirt up over her arms and head. Smooth bronzed skin greeted her but the muscular physique was rent with red raw scars. * The choppers dropped them a few clicks south of a village in the last darkness before dawn and they began their patrol. They walked, they crouched, they sat in the rubble and snacked, they dropped to one knee and sucked tepid water through a tube. The sun swung overhead. Villages passed. Deserted. They dashed across shallow rivers. Kicked dust up over open fields. Pushed through waist high poppy plants. The sun descended. The distinct lack of local people put the soldiers on edge but a small sliver of hope approached as the end of the patrol inched closer. To break the growing unease Matti had started to dig into Jacob and, having once been 'the kid' a long time ago, she knew exactly how best to go about it. "Jacob, so we had a bet how long you would last out here, all that white pasty skin and blond hair and that hot chick you left back home" she grinned as someone wolf whistled, "and Drake here bet the longest at six months. But it's been six months and one day and you've lost me a hundred bucks. So first – fuck you." She paused at the top of a canal embankment and flipped him the bird with her gloved hand as Drake did a little fist pump, "And second, you seem to have earned the right to a nickname. So, after much consultation amongst the lads, we have decided you now answer to Boet and Boettie only. Understand?" Jacob had begun to guffaw when gunfire rang out and the patrol broke, sliding into the waist deep muddy water in an attempt to find cover. Matti hunched down and followed Drake and Jacob as they made their way along the ditch toward a few buildings and thicker foliage. Jacob had taken the lead and led them closer to the cover of some buildings where he carefully selected a place to climb out of the festering ditch water. Drake began to climb out but he was not moving along the same route out that Jacob had safely traversed. Matti instinctively began to yell at him, "Drake, no. Get out where Jacob di....". Suddenly Jacob had Drake's hand and had hauled him out of the water and Drake was moving rapidly to the corner of the building to provide cover. Jacob grinned confidently and leant down to help Matti who just shook her head and took the hand he offered her, "Thanks Boet." He grinned a proud smile at her acknowledgement before she looked down to carefully plant her boots in Drake's deep footprints. She felt him take a step backwards and begin to lean back to haul the weight of her and her gear from the canal. Her ears registered a quiet snap of plastic and she froze, still staring down at her feet. Later she would be thankful that she was looking down and didn't see the explosion rip out of the wall behind Jacob and cut through him as his body inadvertently shielded her from the worst of the blast. The explosion lifted her up and threw her across to the other side of the canal. She screamed. There was no pain, it seemed a miracle she was unhurt but her legs would not respond. She rolled over and flicked the safety off her weapon and began to drag herself toward the lip of the canal, afraid Jacob was drowning in the water, or in his own blood. She dragged her broken body forward, feeling an insistent tugging every time she dragged herself forward, a tugging that turned to screaming agony and her eyes blurred red. Red. Blue. White. Sunrise. Not again. She couldn't watch the sunrise fill another draped flag again. She screamed Jacob's name again and shook the blood away, focusing on the lip of the canal where she would find him, had to find him. Then there were hands on her, taking her weapon, dragging her out of the spattered water and the mud. Dragging her as she registered the crack of a rifle close by and returned fire in the general direction. An RPG swirled out of the darkness gathering at the edges of her vision and she fired back. Still the hands dragged at her. Her leg bounced over the ground in an odd way. She looked away. The sun was setting, not rising. Sunset...but the sky still shone red, white and blue. Another set of hands on her then. Holding her down as she kicked at them and ordered them to help her find Jacob. Faces and voices, sharp but uncertain. The ringing in her ears began to subside and she could hear sporadic muffled radio static and crackling orders from the broken earpiece of her radio set. They made no sense. She fought to stand. To find Jacob. There was blood everywhere. He must be hurt. Drake was there, he was screaming at her over and over, "What do I do Doc? What do I do?". She yelled at him to bring Jacob to her. "No Doc, Jacob is... he's gone. What do I do about you?" She looked down, blood seeped from flesh torn from her body, turning to mud as it mixed with the dust of the Afghan desert. And her leg really didn't seem to be right at all. The rotors thumped steadily, flashing shadows across her vision as the blurry figures around her struggled with the stretcher. Someone leaned over her, peered at the crumpled paper of notes pinned to her chest and pointed, his lips moving without sound. The ringing was back in her head. Drake spoke with him, shook his head. They both turned to the helicopter. Drake paused, took her hand and looked into her eyes, his lips pressed into a thin grimace. Then he let go and took the black bag the helicopter medic handed to him then the folded flag. Blue. White. Red. Red. Red. Again. It was happening again. Matti reached for the letter in her pocket and a moment of panic hit her when she realized her shirt had been cut away. Then Savannah was there. Touching her hand the same way she had at the airport, it wasn't a friendly touch, it was a patient touch. How had she not felt the difference? She was waiting. Always waiting. Matti mumbled, "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I denied it. I told myself you were just being polite, friendly. That Nikki made you happy. I didn't want to...to unsettle you...to make you fight...I..." Savannah smiled and shook her head, "Come home. Just come home." She reached out for Savannah, "The Captain's got it. He's got your letter. Just so you know..." Savannah looked down at her, "I don't need your letter Matts, I know and I've always known. I was just waiting for you. Waiting for you to grow older. Then waiting for you to come back to me, to see the way I feel...to tell me you felt the same. I have always been waiting for you to say what I needed to hear to make me fight that fight for you. For us." Then she was gone and the medic was there, he wiped the blood from her eyes and shone a torch into them. "Your war is over for a while soldier. Just rest now, we'll get you home." * Matti's fingernails dug into Savannah's waist as she stared at the scars. Finally she dropped the cotton shirt and moved to touch the welts, hesitating until Matti nodded. Her fingers traced a large slightly hollowed scar from Matti's collarbone to where it disappeared under her sports bra. She pushed her fingers under the elastic chest band and began to follow another scar down her ribs. Thick knots of twisted tissue spotted down her left side and Savannah's fingers followed them down into her waist belt. Matti shifted uncomfortably underneath her and Savannah snapped back from her haze. "You were there." Savannah frowned in confusion so Matti continued, "I saw you in the medevac helicopter, telling me..." she floundered then continued, "You were with me." Savannah ran the backs of her fingers over Matti's cheek, "What was I telling you Matti?" she paused, noting the confused insecurity on Matti's face, "It's okay Matts, you can tell me anything." Matti drew a deep breath in, "You were telling me how long you waited, in so many ways, for me to...to...be ready for this, for us." Savannah felt a sudden clarity and gripped Matti, bending down to kiss her, "For this?" Matti nodded and she hesitated for a moment, afraid of hurting her again, but the soldier arched her back up and kissed Savannah fiercely, her hands snaking up under her shirt. Savannah returned the kiss, caressing Matti's bared chest, raking down her neck and across the back of her shoulders. She broke away breathlessly, "Matti, I don't want to hurt you..." Matti smiled, "Sav, what do you want to do?" Savannah stared at her for a moment then leant forward and whispered a sweet release, "Right now? Right now I want to fuck you." Matti grinned cheekily and tugged Savannah's shirt up and over her head, sitting up and kissing her neck as she untangled her arms from the material. The soldier's hands were still rough against her skin and she shuddered as they began to work their way up towards her bra, sliding beneath the fastening as Matti engaged her lips in a deep kiss. She hardly felt the clips come undone, but the next thing her bra hung loosely from her shoulders and Matti leant back to drink in the sight of her breasts, just large enough to hang down slightly as she leant forward. Matti reached up and gently cupped one while the fingertips of her other hand ran over Savannah's collar bone and down the side of the other breast, her fingertips fanning out and feathering the orb, brushing the aureola into a deep flush as it stood erect. Savannah dropped her arms, letting the bra slide out of the way, suddenly shyly conscious of the hunger in Matti's eyes. She closed her eyes momentarily and reveled in the way Matti's hands felt as they flickered over her breasts, brushing the skin and gently rolling the nipples between her fingers. So right. It feels so right. She opened her eyes and reached for Matti's belt buckle, undoing it and sliding the highly polished leather from the belt loops. Matti leant back against the wall and watched her undo the button and slide her fly open, exposing a pair of plain black cotton underwear.