36 comments/  34363 views/  16 favorites

Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 01

By: AVixenLiterally





Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 01



"Her father and I used to laugh that we managed to have a kid with blonde hair when both of us have... had... um, I have... oh shit."  Great first impression! "I'm taller, have darker hair, have had three kids, and am older than her." Why the fuck did I ever agree to this?

"Lissy, please... try to relax. Neither of them told me very much but it was clear that you're getting over someone who was very important to you. I'm sorry about that; obviously I've been there too. I suppose just about all of us have at one time or another." Why Kara; why? "Did Rachel tell you that she knows my daughter and that it was Elena who asked me to email you?" Blondie, what did you do? "They know each other from school."

I got up and got more ice from the automatic dispenser in my fridge/freezer thing. 

"What was that noise, Lissy?" I giggled as a thought bubbled up.

"My knife sharpener." Silence.

"You're sharpening knives in the middle of the afternoon?" It's Sunday; it could happen! I giggled as quietly as I could.

"Rachel and June have been living here for a while. I want to make sure the knives are sharp enough." I heard the gasp. "I'm kidding, Becky! I was getting more ice from the dispenser. Geez... talk about relaxing." There was a short period of silence, then she laughed.

"Okay, thanks. I guess you're right. Neither of us is very comfy right now." I thought I was the only one who used that word. She giggled. "What do you do to find out if they're sharp? Pull a hair out of your head and see if the knife cuts it?" I laughed -- that was a good one!

I asked, "So do you have plans for the rest of your Sunday?"

"Sharpening my knives." Okay, I can't lie. The ice melted a little. A sense of humor always works with me.

"Well, I guess I deserved that; it was funny, too!! Well done. I was hopeful I could get a straight answer out of you."

"How can I give you a straight answer when I'm gay?" I laughed till I was out of breath.

When I finally could talk, all I managed to say in my oxygen deprived state was, "Cute."

"Why, yes I am!!" The ice melted a little more.

"Okay, okay... where is this ice breaker going to be, Becky?"

"Are we still going for coffee?" I shrugged.

"I suppose so, unless you have other ideas."

"I guess we maybe could do dinner or something but that wasn't what Rachel mentioned. To be honest, I didn't know if I wanted to do a blind date at my age, let alone an email. And forget a phone call. But now I'm really glad I did." Kitty perked up a little; curious. It seems neither one of us had much of a clue about what was going on these days.

"Trust me, Becky; I know just what you mean. My kid and her honey basically... uh, made it real hard for me not to do this. Call me whenever. We can figure out a date and the rest. It's not like my social calendar is real full right now."

She laughed. "I guess not, especially given the givens." My heart twinged. She said that too! I remembered something.

"My daughter and her family are coming later this week. With Monday being Columbus Day, they're making it a three day weekend."

"Oh how fun!"

"Yeah, I hope so. Jenna's husband is a physician; he finished residency this year and they moved to Minneapolis when he started his job. This is their first trip back."

"And Mom's excited to see her baby. You said family, Lissy; do they have children?"

"Jenna and Ian have a little angel named Ella who was born April 26th of last year. She's adorable. Can we do something the following week?"

"Of course we can. I'll call you that week and we'll plan something. I'm looking forward to meeting you, Lissy."

"Thanks, Becky; I'm glad we did this. Talk again soon. Bye for now."

I'm glad we did this? Really Lissy? No, of course not, but I had no idea what to say. We're human after all. We fall in love and get hurt just like anyone else. I need a nap!

** Unknown **

Kara

Believe me when I say this - at first I truly believe I did this subconsciously. I know; I haven't even said what it is and I sound guilty. Anyways, somehow I found myself walking past places Lissy and I would go. Places where we ate or grocery shopped, even her train stop. When the break-up was brand new I avoided these places like the plague, but now I was making up excuses to happen by.

I had been too chicken to call, email or even text. However, if I ran into her, I (we) would have no choice. Of course my mind had already decided; we'd fall desperately into each other's arms. Then that would be that; Kara and Lissy back together! Simple, right? The wicked games our minds play on us.

Now that I had convinced myself that this wasn't stalking and merely steps needed for our eventual 'happily ever after,' my days started revolving around how to get to these places at times I knew she may be there. The first week I'd managed to visit our favorite coffee shop, two different restaurants and even pretend shopping at her supermarket. Nada. It was making me a bit batty too. Not only would I spend more time than usual at each place, I'd just pick at the food, not drink my coffee, or walk around with an empty shopping cart for an hour. All while constantly on the lookout for Lissy. I'm sure people thought I was a loon. I sure felt like one. 

Well, it got worse. It's the same coffee shop I'd tried the week before, but I knew she came to, or used to, quite frequently on the way to the office. I had just finished and was throwing my trash away when I heard her voice. Oh god, I wasn't prepared. My plan was definitely faulty because I completely froze. I literally stood there with my back to the counter, hanging on her every word. I had to place both hands on my coffee cup to stop the uncontrollable shaking. I actually thought I might faint. Everyone else heard a woman ordering coffee, but I knew the nuances of her voice. She's sad. My heart lurched but, I still couldn't move. Go to her! I couldn't. I know; I'm a coward. When I heard the chime on the door as she exited, my legs stumbled to the nearest table. I don't know how long I sat there; I was dazed and sick to my stomach. I was late for work. 

For the next few days I avoided any possibility of seeing her again. What I thought was going to be the end of this heartache ended up making it far worse. Every night since I've had the elevator dream. Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping well. 

** October 6th **

Lissy

Sunday night dinner with the girls was fun.

"Did the two of you make a date?"

"Yeah I did, honey. The date, time and place aren't set yet but I agreed to meet her." I was fiddling with the pasta in my dish; twirling it without really planning to eat it. I shrugged a shoulder. "I don't know; it felt like the right thing to do. We'll see if she calls again." I stuffed a piece of garlic bread in my mouth. "I guess I've gotta do this now that..."

"Don't talk with food in your mouth, Mom." You little brat! I took a sip of my Chianti.

"Yeah okay, you're right; that's how I raised you. Anyway, I guess I can't back out now."

June got up from her chair and did a ridiculous imitation of a chicken being chased across a something or other. She bawked and whatever chickens do and ran this way and that before miming being caught and falling very dramatically to the ground in a heap. Me and my kid were hysterical laughing. Ever the actress, June stood, curtseyed, and came back to the table. Her honey slathered her face with a bunch of kisses. My heart ached -- but I smiled bravely.

"Was all that just to make the point I can't back out?"

"Why yes it was, Mom!! Otherwise you'll just be branded as one big ass chicken." She smirked. "And there's nothing wrong with your ass." I laughed; blondie was not amused.

"That's my Mother!!" June turned her head to her lover and smiled.

"I'm well aware, lover. That's why I said it. Especially given her age and the number of children she's given life to, that Mother of yours is pretty damn pretty. So just get over your own self!" There must have been a look in her eyes because Rachel didn't respond. We needed a change of subject.

"I have no idea what to wear. I don't know if it's just coffee or something more. Do I go real casual or what?" Two sets of eyes turned to look. 

"Do you want your wardrobe assistants to go through your closet again?" I got a boulder in my throat thinking of the last time they had. It wasn't easy to choke it down either!!

"Maybe; we'll see how things go." I looked at the mess on my plate; an appropriate metaphor for my life.

My kid asked, "Are you gonna be okay tomorrow, Mom, with it being Kara's birthday and all?" I wasn't sure.

I looked from one to the other and told the truth. "I'm really not sure. Part of me wants to go stand across the street from where she works in a raincoat and shades just to see her walk in off the street. Then I could hide out somewhere near the front door of her building, in the shadows, when she comes home. But at the end of the day that's just stupid."

June surprised me by shaking her head and saying in a very strong voice, "It's not stupid!! It's very human and very real." She got up from her chair. "And if you do it and don't call her, I'm going to smack you!" I grinned.

"I might like that!" She laughed and looked at my kid, who was several shades of volcano.

"You do this woman proud, lover. You're both gorgeous, you both have a wicked sense of humor, and you both enjoy a good smack now and then." I thought Rach might melt into the chair. She did squirm though, and she couldn't make eye contact with her honey. Or me; she never even looked in my direction.

"We all should keep our... bedroom secrets private. As has been discussed, I'm pretty open with my children about some things but there are other things that just don't need to be talked about." Very grateful blue eyes nodded.

The girls said they'd clean up. After all that we watched 'The Good Wife' and 'Betrayal.' The shows were hardly the main point of conversation.

"Mom, how come you don't have any of the premium channels? You missed all of 'The L Word.' And there are other shows you can't see that you may like." I laughed.

"Kara used to tease me about that all the time." June looked at a chagrined blonde, who was blushing. "It's okay, girls. She said that I can't be a real lesbian if I can't name my favorite character." Two jaws dropped. "Really, it's all good. It was said in jest." I shrugged. "I did a lot of reading." I looked at my kid. "That was something of a solitary pleasure; if I watched TV when Dylan was alive, he'd either want to change it to sports or ask why I was watching what I was. I love to read and, as the years went on, it was just easier."

I felt bad. No matter how old, a kid deserves to have some kind of aura about a parent. Not that I expected my kids to have one about me -- especially this me. But their Dad is another matter. He's gone; I very much wanted to keep the flame alive and burning brightly for them. Our marriage may have ended ha... would have ended had he lived, but that didn't give me license to trash him posthumously. Nor would I.

When 'Betrayal' went to the final commercial I said goodnight to my girls.

"I think it's time for me to get some sleep." I kissed one, then the other. "I'll see you both in the morning."

"Mom?" I was giving June a kiss. I turned my head to my daughter. "Are you going to be okay tomorrow?" I nodded.

"I think so." I wasn't as sure as I tried to make my face feel. I shrugged. "I guess we'll find out."

** October 7th **

Lissy

The girls tiptoed Monday morning, unsure of my emotional state. Hell, I didn't much know what my emotional state was. I lay in bed for what felt like the longest time, hoping I would smell the faint scent of Kara on the pillows.

The shower was delicious and it was miserable. I made myself scream, calling her name all the while. Even though it had been a while, I was still having a hard time separating the 'I want you back now' and the 'I'm still so angry with you.' This morning was about my body and I needing pleasure. Kara had been part of that pleasure for way too long; it was tough, if not impossible, to turn off all the emotion associated with all the time she was my lover.

We did have that breakfast after leaving my car at the station. The girls loved it!!!

"Mom, how did you find this place? The food is fantabulous!" (She'd heard me use the word before.)

"There were the odd days I'd miss a train; I'd come here for a quick, tasty something. They serve fast so the stools turn over quickly." There were no tables, only stools at a counter, like an old F.W. Woolworth's. God I'm old!

"Philly is close enough to New Jersey that there are some diners scattered here and there. That's about the closest I can come trying to relate." I swear the two of them inhaled their bacon, eggs and toast. They both had coffee just like the big kids they pretended to be. I have the biggest smile on my face typing that, remembering that morning. I missed my Kara.

***

I had the girls drop me at the Dunkin' Donuts I had stopped at that morning when Kara and I caught a cab from her place to our jobs. Yeah, I know; I'd already had breakfast and coffee. I was still a bit groggy and I like the coffee. What's it to ya? Anyway, it was a brisk, short walk to work. I sure as hell wouldn't do it in the dead of winter, but this is still early October. I won't say I was humming a happy tune but the morning had been a good one overall.

I stopped dead in my tracks; my heart froze and my stomach did somersaults even the Russian judge would have liked. I thought I saw a glimpse of blonde, whose blue eyes were watching me, not too far from work. My mouth went dry and you know what wasn't. By the time I blinked away the tears that threatened, whoever it was that I thought might have been Kara wasn't there anymore. I shivered; I'm still angry with you, lover. And my mind is still playing tricks on me. Kitty, believing I'd seen her honey, slammed the door so hard... you wouldn't understand.

Work, as you'd expect, was a joke after that little fiasco. I kept looking for Kara. I didn't go out for lunch. There's a place in the building I go maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Yup; the food is that bad. I called and ordered take out and hustled my ass back to the elevator, calmly looking over my shoulder for anything resembling my 'her.' Calm and cool. Not!

At day's end, I zigged and zagged to the train, avoiding anything that might have been close to my regular pattern. When I took my seat I was a wreck. Half out of breath, I was perspiring, even though temps were supposed to be in the 60's. There was a silly part of my mind that dared ask 'Why today?' Sensible mind smacked it; 'It's her birthday you twit.'

I checked; good, I wasn't in a 'quiet car,' where cell phones were banned during rush hour. I called Rachel.

"Hi Mom; are you on your way home? Did your day go okay?" I sure as hell don't want to tell her what I wasn't sure about.

"Yeah, about as well as you'd expect overall. How about you? Have you talked to June? You two make it to your place okay?" I was being over protective -- it was more my stuff than me worrying about theirs.

"Mom; what's going on? Even for you, this is way more than you asking me about my day. Did you see Kara or something? Oh my god -- tell me you're not camped out anywhere near her condo! Please, mother, tell me you're not."

Little snot doesn't know what happened. Actually, I was so spooked by what I thought I'd seen I hadn't even thought of going near her place. That's not to say I hadn't had a thought or ten now and then.

** October 7th **

Kara 

This morning it came to a head when I woke up feeling like someone was standing on my chest. It was hard to catch my breath and I couldn't get my hands to stop trembling. Sitting up slowly, I tried to just concentrate on my breathing. The room started to spin. What the hell? I must be having some kind of panic attack. My eyes close to stop the merry go round, it works... mostly. I turn to put my feet on the floor and lean back against the couch, waiting for some semblance of normal. 

Moments go by, when Barb's voice rouses me, "You look like hell birthday girl." Birthday? Could I really be so out of it that I forgot my own birthday? I would have sworn it was still a couple weeks away.

I open one eye, just in case my morning fun isn't over. "Are you screwing with me?"

She laughed. "No, you look like shit. Want some coffee?"

"I was talking about it being my birthday and yes."

"Coming right up and yes." She's a goof. I took a chance and opened my other eye. Thank god, back to normal or whatever this is. Sometimes coffee tastes so damn good and today was one of those days. Barb joined me on the couch but kept quiet while I took my first few sips.

I surprised her by talking first. "I saw Lissy the other day." I had her attention.

She turned to face me, crossing her legs. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well how did it go, brat?"

My voice dripped with sarcasm. "Swimmingly, if you consider she didn't even know I was there and I froze as going well."

"Oh honey..." Her hand lay lightly on my arm. "I'm sorry." I could feel her eyes on me, waiting for me to look at her. I couldn't, I knew I'd break down. She sighed and then said with her best cheery voice, "Let's go out tonight, get drunk and find you someone to fuck those cobwebs off."

"You mean you're not available?" I brought my eyes to hers and smirked at her instant blush. It takes a lot for Barb to blush, I almost felt sorry for her. No not really, it was funny. She just sat there, still as statue, but I could see the thoughts racing through her mind.

"Uh... Kara. I'm uh... flattered..." Okay, enough of the torture.

I laughed; she smiled back, but still wasn't sure what was going on. "I was kidding!!" I think all the air emptied from her body and she smacked me on my shoulder. Ouch! I guess I deserved it. Trying to sound apologetic, I said, "Look... I know you're just trying to help, but the only woman I want is Lissy." At least her face is back to its normal color. I continued, "As a matter of fact, I'm going to go by her office today."

Eyebrows rose. "Really?" I nodded, she smiled. "Great! Good thinking going on your birthday too. Get some extra sympathy." Barb is clueless. Whatever, I need to get going.

"Thanks for the coffee, I'm going to jump in the shower quick and try to make it over there before it gets too late." As soon as I was in the guest bathroom, I sunk to the floor and cried. Acting happy took its toll. I didn't want to do anything today except see Lissy. Just hearing her talk about going out and getting laid on top of it made me feel nauseous. I can't even touch myself. I know, I know. I've tried, trust me. So many nights without her, missing her. Especially when my mind decides to be particularly evil and it whisks me away to one of our memories.

It's funny how the everyday things become a challenge. Just brushing my teeth is a struggle. Lissy used to tease me about how I paced back and forth when I brushed. I never even knew I did it until her. She'd hold me from behind and I'd stop brushing. It's almost as if my feet weren't moving, neither would the toothbrush. Her chin would rest on my shoulder, her arms laced around my waist and we'd stare at each other in the mirror, our eyes smiling back at each other.

Okay, I may have helped this silliness along but I couldn't help it; I loved making her smile. The truth is, it was her touch that captivated me. My heart would race every time, sending flutters up and down my body. I cherished it... cherished her. Now I can't bear to move when I brush my teeth or even look in the mirror. Lissy, how am I going to make it without you? I miss us.




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 01



I shook my head; stop torturing yourself. Part of me was terrified about going to her office today; the other part couldn't get there fast enough. I rinsed my mouth and jumped in the shower. Another thing I can't stand to do anymore but obviously necessary. Sometimes I rush through it so quickly, I've left conditioner in my hair or forget to wash entirely. As soon as the water hits me, it's like her hands are on me. It feels so damn good and hurts so damn bad. I hate it!

Today, at least, I made sure I washed and rinsed. It reminds me of the way she used to 'inspect' my body for soap when we showered. Of course she did this with her tongue... oh god... please help. Just a little longer Kara. Get dressed, get over there and get your woman back! I felt confident, mostly. Glancing at the clock, I realized I was running out of time if I wanted to catch her going into the office. I hurried to the closet and panicked! Why didn't I do this last night? Maybe it was good I was in danger of being late, so I didn't have time to completely break down. I snatched a light blue blouse off the hanger and grabbed some jeans. It may seem like I didn't give it any thought but I thought about how the blouse would bring out my eyes; she loves my eyes. Okay the jeans were an afterthought, but silly me did take a few extra moments to decide which panties and bra to wear. No, I didn't think we'd be getting naked today, but it's one of those small things I always made an effort on with Lissy. In a way, it was one of the ways I showed her that I never took her for granted... geez that seems idiotic now, Kara! Whatever, I decided on a lacy blue bra and silk panties... yes to match my shirt. Hush! 

Finally dressed, a hint of makeup, a couple spritzes of Euphoria (she loves when I wear it) and I was out the door. As soon as my feet hit the sidewalk outside of Barb's condo, my heart started to race and my legs felt like jelly. Wow, this is a comforting start. I hailed a taxi, quickly jumped inside and tried to get myself together. Gauging by the traffic, it would only take about ten minutes and I so didn't need to be a wreck when we got there. I had the driver drop me a couple blocks away, the last thing I wanted was to run into her as I was getting out.

Okay I'll admit, this did feel a little like stalking but it was for a good cause. I wonder if that's what they all think... stalkers? Pay attention or you might miss her! I walk to about half a block away and wait. What if she's already here and I missed her? What if she sees me and walks away? What if I see her and freeze again? My mind was scrambled and with my arms crossed, I pace. How long do I give it?

I didn't need an answer, because all the air was suddenly gone around me as I saw her. From 50 yards, I felt it. It's still there... when we're near each other it's like one of those super magnets drawing us together. My legs started towards her on their own; she's so beautiful. Look at me Lissy; I know she can feel it too. It happened so fast, I wasn't ready... she looked up. She's stunned... she definitely sees me. Oh god this is stupid, what are you thinking? I turn and disappear just out of sight. 

It's back... the panic attack. No, No, No! Not now! I reach out for anything to steady myself. My knuckles scrape brick as I frantically grasp, knowing my legs might give out any moment. Breathe, Kara! Slowly in, slowly back out. At first they're shallow as my chest contracts with each attempt. Once I'm able to fill my lungs again, I notice the hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I failed... choked... again! What is wrong with me? I won't let myself do this. Get yourself together and go see her. Wiping my face with my sleeve and standing up straight with feigned confidence, I went back around the corner to find my Lissy. She was gone. Did she see me? I know she did. Then why didn't she come to me? Why did she leave? It hit me like a sledgehammer, it's over. My knees buckled and I fell to the ground. The sobs wracked through my body. I felt hands on me, heard voices. I swung my arms wild. Leave me alone! Alone.

** October 12th **

Lissy

The week was rather uneventful other than me crying myself to sleep on Kara's birthday Monday. I hated that I couldn't call her. If you read this you may be screaming, 'Call her for god's sake.' I had that voice on my shoulder -- well, in my head. You already think I'm nuts as it is. 

Who knows about us humans anyway? Billions are spent in therapy and on mind and mood altering drugs. The divorce rate is 50% or so, and that doesn't even take into account that the marriage rate is down considerably OR that those that do are marrying later. And never even mind about gay marriage -- a fast growing segment on the pie chart.

Enough of my musings. Becky and I talked a couple of times between our first chat and our date. Call it what it is, Lissy. It was just coffee; just a Starbucks or whatever she may decide -- but it was a date.

***

Columbus Day was on the 14th, which meant we had a 3 day weekend. I'm pretty sure I hadn't mentioned it before but Jenna and Ian have moved. Ian had taken a job in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It was not my happiest moment, but their future was way more important than my daughter and my grandchild. Okay, that's not fair. Ian, for all that I know about him, is a real good dad and husband. Anyway, I miss them.

Point is -- they came to visit over that weekend!! And they stayed at the house. And Jenna's brother and sister and their respective others were every bit as ecstatic as I was. Jenna and Ian were too; and let's not forget the not-so-little bundle of joy that was Ella.

Part of why Ian and Jenna chose this weekend to visit was that it was a holiday weekend. The other part was that Friday the 11th was JR's 30th birthday. I'd called, of course. He was fine with waiting till today to celebrate with all of us.

"Andi's parents are taking the baby for the night, Mom." Ah! "Andi won't tell me exactly what the plan is for dinner and the rest but I'm sure it will be fun." Count on being dessert, sweetie!

"I hope you both have a good night, honey. As long as you're okay with waiting a day, I'll see you both tomorrow."

"Grammy!!" Little hands opened and closed as her little legs hurried to me. I swept her up and put her on my knee. "Where's Rayray?" Almost a year and a half and she's still cute enough to eat. I wrapped the little angel up in my arms; she giggled madly as I bathed her in kisses.

When I finally stopped, big brown eyes shone as she said, "I'm wearing big girl panties, Grammy!"

"Your mommy told me, angel, and I'm so proud of you. Are you excited that Dylan's coming too?" She made a face.

"He's a baby; I'm a big girl now." I swear to god; if she had a chest, she'd have puffed it. Nothing I could do.

Jenna was lurking, hand over her mouth to stifle the giggles. I didn't dare look for fear of the hellion looking for her mommy. She did take advantage of the little sweetie putting her head on Grammy's shoulder to talk to me.

"How are my bratty sister and her honey?" I smiled.

"They should be here any minute; they had some things to do earlier with friends; they were coming up after whatever it is ended. How are you two getting on in the Twin Titties?" Jenna laughed.

"The natives know it's one of the nicknames and they hate it." She shrugged. "It's okay I guess. It's not home; nothing will be other than here." Her eyes got dark for a moment. "But we have to go where Ian's job dictates. He loves his job." I saw her hubby coming toward us; he kissed her neck. She turned, smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss.

"I heard my name, Mom." He smiled. "How are things?" Intense black eyes, as ever, bore into mine.

"They're good, Ian. I'm so glad you could come, even if it is a short visit. I get that your professional life is demanding and all, but it's good for everyone to see you and for all of you to see everyone." I miss you, Kara.

"Have you heard from the love of your life?" Jenna's eyes were curious. I took a very deep breath and shook my head.

"No I haven't. I'm not happy that she hasn't called or made any attempt to contact me. But I'm not happy about more than just that." I hope I kept my voice and face neutral; god knows I tried.

"It's just us, Mom; will you please tell me how what looked so good went off the tracks so quickly? You have to know that all of us are beyond confused... perplexed." Yeah... I do. And I'm not tellin.' I kept my gaze on my oldest.

"No, I can't." God, I don't want to say it like this, but maybe she'll understand -- being my oldest. "I never told you what went on with your father and me, and I won't with Kara and me. I'm not saying my decision on either is the best choice or the right choice, but it's my choice to make. I can only pray that you'll understand it and accept it."

"Lissy, you did what you felt was best for you children about your marriage." Ian's eyes flicked from me to his wife and back. He shrugged. "We've talked; the best we can do is make sure we don't... that we make sure our path will avoid some of what happened in your family." He blushed and said, "I'm not even going to pretend my family was perfect."

I was totally okay with what he said. I smiled. "It's okay, honey. I know what you mean." A cute pair of brown eyes stared at me. We need to get off this topic while this angel is listening. "Ella honey, can Grammy get you some apple juice?" Squealing ensued. We both giggled as I smothered her with kisses on her cheeks and neck. I poured juice into her sippy cup (stupid spell check!) and bounced her on my knee.

***

The day went on. Mid October was chilly but not cold. JR volunteered to man the grill -- I provided burgers, brats and steak. Everyone gorged on potato salad, three bean salad and cole slaw. 'Rayray' got to feed Ella in her 'big girl' booster chair while Dylan flailed like a 9 month old in his high chair eating gruel -- strained peas, etc. I shivered typing that!!

Momma was in her glory. All her kids and grandkids were home! And it wasn't Thanksgiving, Christmas or a wedding. And my heart felt like a ten pound lump of coal. And I have tears writing. It hurt, terribly, not having my heart with us. Wherever she is, I know she'd be upset knowing she wasn't with us. Every member of my family asked me if anything was new -- even Andi!! I know!! I was surprised too.

I bought a cake for my son. Sorry everybody, but cakes aren't my thing. Anyway, we did a rousing, if somewhat off key, rendition of 'Happy Birthday To You.' I had both kinds of ice cream: chocolate and vanilla. Think 'Blues Brothers' and the band and 'country and western.' Winkeys!

I had asked my handsome boy what he wanted for his birthday.

"I'd love to score tickets to the Blackhawks, Mom. If that's too much, I'd like a jersey -- the captain, Jonathan Toews." I had to look him up on Wikipedia. Shrug. I have no idea who that is other than my son said he's the captain. I really didn't know much about them. All the puppies at work were out of their minds excited when they won some trophy.

The jerseys are ungodly expensive. Think $200. Tickets? I had no idea where to start. I went to one of the dudes at work who seemed to be in the know and asked. 

"You should look on StubHub." It must have been the look on my face. "I have season tickets, Lissy. I have a bunch of people who buy tickets from me. I always keep some games for myself. Does your son know when he wants to go?"

I laughed. "John, I only know he asked for tickets for his birthday."

"Is he married; do they have kids?"

"Yes, he's married. Their son is very young. I think they only would want two tickets." He nodded.

"Let me pick a couple of dates and get back to you. The games may not be against very good teams but I'm sure he'll be happy with them." He damn well better be.

Thanks to my coworker, my son has tickets to 2 games -- one in November and another in March. He jumped at least a foot when he opened the envelope and hugged the breath out of me. I may need a trip to a chiropractor for my back.

"Mom, can I help with the dishes?" I'd seen Andi looking at me now and then as the afternoon had gone on. She's been friendly with everyone, which was nice. I'd had some conversations with JR since... then, but not that many.

"Of course you can; thank you!" I smiled and asked, "How are your Mom and Dad?" When in doubt, default to easy.

"They're both fine. They're visiting my sister and her family in Kentucky." She shrugged. "They'd asked me to come to their house this weekend. When I told them we'd be here they called my sister and invited themselves." We both smiled.

"I guess with Jenna and Ian being out of town I'll be inviting myself to their place." Long, lonely drive when I'm all alone.

"Lissy?" I looked; her eyes were both hesitant and warm. "I guess you're probably pretty tired of being asked, but how on earth did things fall apart between the two of you?" Sick and tired, actually. And curious too.

"Thanks, Andi. We were on a weekend vacation in Michigan. We'd had a blast the entire time." I had to close my eyes as the memories came flooding back. I'd done my best to keep them at bay for the last few months. "I'll tell you what I've told the others. Kara really likes... all of you." I nearly lost it there. "I don't want to say anything that might change your opinion of her." Light brown eyes widened. I smiled and brushed a few red strays behind her ear. "I probably gave you the wrong impression, Andi. And if I did I'm sorry. There were some things said that came as a complete surprise to me. Things that..." You can't do this, Lissy. A little is just as bad as a lot. Nip it in the bud.

Damn fool that I am I started to cry. Andi surprised the crap outta me; she pulled me to her, hugged me, and let my head rest on her shoulder when I laid it there. And I cried. Eventually I stopped. And then this happened.

"Lissy, you're family. I hate seeing you in pain. I'm still not comfortable with it all, but you're hurting." She kissed my cheek. "There's a lot of pain there, Mom. I can't do much to help, but try and fix this. You two are good together."

I had seen someone in my peripheral vision while my head lay on Andi's shoulder. I looked as she was talking. June had her hand over her mouth, eyes wide in surprise. When she saw me glance at her she gave me a thumbs up and a wink. Tell me about it, kid! I'm as surprised as you are.

The party was Saturday evening. It was a wonderful night that lasted to the wee hours. Yes, JR and Andi had to take the baby home, but the rest of us stayed up, laughed, and had a grand old time. Geez I lie good. Rach and June went to her bedroom. Jenna and Ian went to theirs, where Ella was sleeping. And I went to mine. Alone! Again. I hate you, Kara.

Sunday was loads of fun. Because I'm out of my mind, I suggested we go to Navy Pier and go on the Ferris Wheel. I know Jenna could see it brought back tons of memories. No, she didn't ask. She's my kid; she could see it on my face. I did my best not to look at her; she squeezed my hand on our way back get the car. Ian drove home.

"Mommy, why is Grammy sad?" I had tried to keep it in and failed. I lay my head on my daughter's shoulder and cried.

Sunday night was very quiet. The girls had gone downtown early to work. It was just the five of us. Five? Yup - Ian, Jenna, Ella, me, and the elephant. An elephant who has blonde hair. Think pins and needles. Think 'If Momma ain't happy, etc.' Ella was in bed; Ian was watching Sunday night football.

"Mom, please. Either fix this or move on." I turned away; Jenna grabbed my arm. "No, you're not going to walk away. Kara was there for you after Dad died." I shrank from her gaze. "Mom, stop!" I looked at my beautiful daughter. "Rach tells me you have a date next weekend." She smiled and squeezed my hand. "She told me it's a blind date. I'm so proud of you. Even if my goofball sister and June set it up, this Becky has to be pretty special."

I faked a smile and said, "We've talked a couple of times on the phone. She seems real nice. I'm not sure how it will turn out, but your sister and June pretty much insisted." I shrugged.

"So do what you always told us to do. Look at it like it's an adventure, a chance to do something new. It may not be easy, Mom, but if you're not going to call Kara and she hasn't called you, do it. Meet this woman." She looked away for a moment, came back and said, "Who knows what might happen."

I knew she was right and it still didn't make it any better. Rach and June had been just as right. My head knew it was right. And I cried myself to sleep yet again.

I made a big breakfast Monday morning. It seemed Ms. Ella had been told by 'someone' that there was a park nearby. Off we went. Swings, slides, the spinning thing, and the 'injury proof' climbing thing produced all kinds of squeals, giggles, and random utterances of 18 month old joy. I looked at her mother like only a mother could. She's such a Mom. I'm so proud. I wanted nothing more in the world than to have my blondie holding my hand in that moment.

Ella Bella kissed me; big old sloppy fabulous make me giggle kisses. She laughed like a banshee when I kissed under her chin. I cheated; I knew she likes it. Ian hugged me before he got in the car. Jenna hugged me extra long. And wiped away my tears. 

"Please fix this, Mom. I hate seeing you so miserable." I nodded.

I sniffled, again, and said, "I can't promise anything, honey, but I'll do my best. I love you. Safe home, okay?"

Monday night, alone in my bed again, was not fun!

** October 14th **

Kara

It's been a week since my birthday, since my meltdown in the middle of the sidewalk outside of Lissy's office. The memory is so vivid it makes my body tense. The waterworks start every time I allow myself to think about it. And I've thought about at least a bazillion times a day. It's probably easier to pick out the times I wasn't rather than when I was torturing myself. When coupled with the little to no sleep I've been getting, I'm an absolute wreck - with a capital W. 

Barb and Carole decided to take a vacation this week. I'm pretty sure it was as much about getting away from me as it was spending time together. I can't imagine I've been a pleasant house guest. I know I can't stand my ass. Whatever... the week apart will be good for all of us. Right? 

My mind wandered to a few hours earlier as Barb was walking out the door. She grabbed my shoulders and made me look at her. "Kara, use this time to get yourself together. I know you're suffering and I want to help, but..." My eyes fell and she waited until I looked back up. "But I have a responsibility to Carole and this is her house too. So please, stop moping. Either get over it or call her... but doing nothing is no longer going to be an option." Her words stung because I knew she was right. I nodded slowly, eyes filling. She kissed my cheek and hugged me tight. "You're stronger than this honey." I mustered all my effort to give her what I hoped was a convincing smile of understanding. She winked and left.

What the hell does she know? Get over it. Get over it? Like it's just some switch I can flip and bam! Over it! Not!! I'll never be over 'it'. The best I could hope for would be feeling slightly less shitty about it and I wasn't holding out much hope for that either. No, I'll use this time to figure out a way to get her back. I'd start stalking... looking again, tomorrow.

***

I figure since my roommates will be gone for the week I might as well sleep in their bed. It will be a welcome break from the couch. Yes, I washed the sheets. I'm putting them on right now. I love the smell of clean sheets and when they're still warm out of the dryer. I stood back and looked at the bed; it had been weeks, months since I was in one. It was inviting, it called to me like an old friend... or lover. Lissy! My beautiful baby flashed before my eyes. She is stretched out on the bed, eyes soft and dreamy. Her arms reach out to me. My eyes close and tears fall. Don't fight it, go to her. 




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 01



I climb onto the bed and slide under the sheets, you're there. Oh baby, I've missed us so badly. All I can do is hold on as tight as I can. Our arms and legs finding their familiar places, my face buried in your neck; I'm home. Please don't let me go. Your arms promise you won't; I melt. Scared to open my eyes, scared you'll be gone if I do. 

You push me to my back, your breath in my ear. I can't hear what you're saying but it doesn't matter; I feel it. Your fingers start at my neck, walk their way through the valley, then turn to tickle the underside of Pinky. I gasp. My nipple hardens as you roll it between your fingers, my hips lift. Your giggle fills the air... my heart is threatening to jump out of my chest. You don't make me wait. I cry out as you slide through my silkiness and into my aching pussy. "YES!" All these nights of yearning, loneliness come crashing full force. Fingers fly in and out, hips not able to keep up... so hungry, desperate. "Pleeeease baby... please I need you!" Heat rushes up my body... the ache is so intense I'm coming undone. It won't let go. I'm being held at the brink with no release. "Liiiissssy!!!" Faster, harder, deeper... give it to me... please god. PLEASE! I roll to my stomach, frantic. I drive my hips into the bed, forcing my fingers deeper. Sweat and tears sting my eyes as I push. Slower, then faster... harder, then softer. No matter what I do, the release I need won't come.

My body slumps, movements lessen then stop. Fingers slide from me. My whole body begins to shake, wracked with sobs. I'm falling apart, my arms wrap around me attempting to hold me together. Turning to my side, I let myself cry. Not that I have a choice but giving in seems less painful somehow. You're gone... I'm alone.

***

My eyes fly open, heart racing, with no grasp on time or where I am. The nightmares are so real, right at the surface. I lay there trying to catch my breath, calm my body. It's still dark and I hear the rain hitting the window. I used to love the rain, now it's just another reminder of what I've lost... of her. My mind wanders to that night on my balcony. We held hands, naked, letting the water kiss us. Our love felt invincible. I knew that night that I'd never love anyone like I loved her. How did I get here? I need to know why I listened to Alexis. Why was I willing to risk the woman I loved for a woman I hated, despised? There's something wrong with me. As much as I want Lissy back, I can't be good for her until I figure out who I am. I need answers.

** October 20th **

Lissy

Becky and I talked a couple of times between our first chat and our date. Call it what it is, Lissy. It was just coffee; just a Starbucks or whatever she may decide -- but it was a date.

She called that Sunday around noon.

"I'll be in a red blouse and beige slacks. I hope that's not too much. You probably already have a good idea of what I look like from my daughter."

Becky laughed; she pretty much did that a lot. "Yeah, I do. I'm tall; I keep my red hair sorta short. I'll be in a white blouse and blue skirt. I have to wear my glasses; my contacts got messed up the other day and... well, I should tell you that I'm nervous that you won't like me in glasses." The ice melted a little again. 

"Hey you; don't you go worrying about something silly like glasses versus contacts. It's pretty cute that you even told me. I obviously would never have known. I'm sorry to hear about the eye trouble. I guess I'm lucky that glasses and contacts aren't part of my world. Not yet anyway." 

"Thanks, Lissy. I appreciate that. I guess that's why they call it a blind date." Cute! "So I'll see you in a little while?"

Isn't it funny how intonation of a voice makes a difference? It was clear she was as nervous about meeting me as I was her. And that's not even bringing the Kara factor into it all. Talk about your elephant in the room!!

I did the social graces thing and said, "I'm looking forward to meeting you, Becky. See you soon."

***

It was a disaster -- think 'Pearl Harbor' the movie! The 'date' itself was really good. Becky's really cute - loads of red hair, big blue eyes, and bubbly as hell. It was me that was a wreck. Becky made the 'mistake' of asking me how I was. I started to cry. I was mortified; she looked like she wanted to crawl under the table; a good feat at her height.

When I finally stopped, she asked, "It was either real recent or a real bad breakup, Lissy. I'm so sorry. I'm sure Rachel and June meant well when they suggested we do this. And your reaction to my question leads me to believe that this was too much too soon." She smiled beautifully and reached for my hand, taking it in hers. I appreciated it... and not so much. Nothing wrong in the least with what she did; it was all about me... and that elephant. My blonde elephant.

"Let's call it for today, Lissy." Her smile was warm and genuine. I felt like shit; she was trying so hard and I was such a mess. Why Kara? Why? We should be doing whatever on this glorious Sunday and I've wasted this lovely woman's time. She's fussing over me like a... something.

"Let me know if you ever feel like going out for coffee or... whatever." The smile faded; she stared out the window as she let go of my hand. I felt the tears start again. Goddammit!

I cried. I felt like an idiot. This lovely woman must think I'm some sort of whackadoodle.

"Becky, this has... no, you have been wonderful. I'm so sorry I'm such shitty company." I lowered my eyes and shook my head. Those blue eyes were magnets, not unlike... um.

I have to tell you about the oddest thing that happened. After my stupid crying jag I needed a tissue. I'd used up a bunch of napkins the two of us had brought back to the table. I grabbed for one of those little things that hold maybe a dozen tissues. As I grabbed for it on the bottom of my purse, something fell from my fingers. It looked like a business card. Normally I keep those in one of the many mysterious compartments purse designers like to tease us with.

'Shade Nguyen, Owner, Lincoln Park Insurance Agency.' My heart fell -- again. I remembered that night; all the fun we had at the bar with the two of them and later at the condo. I'd forgotten we'd exchanged business cards. Isn't that odd?

Anyway, we had paid at the counter so leaving wasn't a big deal. Yeah right; it was light years beyond awkward for me.

"I'm so sorry I made such a mess of things today. I think you're really cute. God knows you tried your best to make this... oh crap, whatever." I couldn't even make eye contact with her. "I'm totally embarrassed to have done this to such a nice woman; especially since it was my kid who put you up to this mess." I want to run to my car and go home.

She kissed me.

I swear to god she did.

It was only lips pressed to lips. Think me kissing Rachel. But it was a kiss. She smiled. 

"Lissy, you're a woman in pain. She, whoever she is, hurt you real bad." Her fingers brushed some hair from my eyes. It felt good. She smiled. "Maybe you'll call; maybe you won't. I hope you do, if the two of you don't get back together." The smile was warm and her eyes were as well. "Much as I'm curious about you, the universe would be better if the two of you were back together."

My eyes filled as that last sentence went on and I was in a complete sob when it ended. God love her -- Becky held me in her arms and let me cry. And oh my god did I cry!! Just like I am as I trpe... tlype... SHIT... type. Deep sigh.

Here's what I thought as I drove home. Great! Thanks a lot, Kara!! Not only have you fucked up my life but you pretty much fucked up any chance I may have had with a perfectly wonderful woman.

And here's what I thought as I pushed the garage door button - Why the FUCK am I standing here crying?

***

Sunday dinner with the girls is usually among the highlights of the week. That Sunday night was completely the opposite. 

"You said it went badly and that you don't want to talk about it. Okay; can you tell us a little about Becky? She's pretty nice. I like her." I didn't want to say another word but I can't be mean to my kid. She and June are just trying to help. "What was she wearing?" I laughed. When in doubt, ask about clothes.

"She had on a white blouse and a skirt. It was a dark blue pencil skirt. The blouse was nothing special." I shrugged. She had pretty eyes. "She kissed me."

"She did?" Both of them said it at the same time. I nodded.

"We were in the parking lot at my car. It took me by surprise, given what a mess I'd made of the whole thing." I looked from one to the other. "It was just her lips pressed to mine for a split second. But it was nice; nice of her to do it I mean."

"Okay, I have to ask. Did you make another date with her?" It was pretty funny; Rachel gave June a look like 'Are you out of your flippin' mind?' "Stop looking at me like that, woman!" Rach looked from her honey to me. I shrugged.

"She was very nice about it all, but I can't imagine she'd want to see me again after that disaster."

"Would you like to see her again?"

"I don't want to think about that. I miss Kara -- a lot!" I pushed away from the table and stood. "I know I'm not much fun these days. Thank you both for trying; she's very nice and I made a fool of myself. I'd appreciate it if the two of you would clean up here."

"Mom, please sit down." I put my hands on my hips. Rachel's gaze didn't waver. "Please." I didn't want to but I did. I could feel myself about two seconds away from another crying jag.

"Okay, I'm sitting. What did you want to say?"

"We're both in the city during the week while we work. We see you on the weekend." She looked at June; a look passed between them.

"It's been about two and a half months, Mom. Rach and I are worried. We know you're hurting. You've made it clear you miss Kara; you're also not doing anything like calling or emailing -- least as far as we know. We both thought you might enjoy Becky's company. She may not be a good fit for you; I don't know. Maybe it's still too soon; you're just not ready to move on yet." Uh oh; here they come. "There's not much we can do to help; we do want to. We both love you too much and we hate to see you like this." Oh god.

I couldn't hold them back anymore. I sat there in my kitchen and cried my broken heart out, feeling like a fool for the second time that day. I'm really not a crybaby. I have my moments of course; being married and having children will bring some heartache into your life. This felt different. It felt like my life got dumped on its pointed little head. It hurt. I cried when Dylan died of course. Death has a certain finality to it; the curtain comes down. They're not there anymore and it dawns on you they're never coming back. This was a far different kind of death. She's out there; probably in her condo. Does she miss me like I miss her? Is she sitting on the couch, on the balcony, huddled under the blankets in our bed? I can't stop the tears; didn't want to. When am I going to stop hurting? Are we really done? I really hate you, Kara.

I woke up in bed, under the covers, with all my clothes on. I didn't remember coming upstairs. How did I get here? It was dark out; I looked at the clock on the nightstand. 8 o'clock; not too, too late. 

I lay there, trying to remember what happened. I know I was having dinner with the girls. I remembered crying yet again. I was really tired of that crap. Being in this bed was something I used to look forward to; now I dreaded it. I wasn't sleeping well and hadn't since the end of July. That wasn't doing me a hell of a lot of good either.

I rolled on my side and hugged a pillow. All the sheets and pillow cases had been washed a couple of times since... then. There was a faint scent of Kara; it had to be in the pillow. Was I dreaming it; was it psychosomatic? Was it me, wishing it to be so? I groaned as I answered the ridiculous question. I kicked off the covers and got out of bed. What now, Lissy? Fuck if I know. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to do it with, and was in no particular hurry to get nowhere.

This is just idiotic. Well, I could always wash my hair. I couldn't get too enthused about a shower. How about a bath? Yeah, some bath beads, a glass of wine, and lots of hot water. I might as well shave my legs for work tomorrow while I'm at it. I went into the bathroom, started the bath water, added the beads, and went downstairs to get some wine.

The girls were watching television.

"You okay, Mom?" I smiled, walked over to the couch, and kissed them both.

"I don't know how I got upstairs but it seems I took a little nap. I'm going to take a bath. Are you two going to the city tonight?" June answered.

"We thought we'd wait and see how you're doing. If it's okay we'll go in with you in the morning. We can drive; you can take the train home. How does that sound?"

"How about we see what the morning brings." I smiled. "I'll see both of you bright and early tomorrow. Love you both; night." They both responded in kind as I headed upstairs.

The door closed behind me, I headed to check the water. Mmm, perfect! I stripped and slid into the luxurious warmth. I like to have the tub about two thirds full, get in, then turn the water real hot and let it fill the rest of the way. I closed my eyes, lay my head on the rim, and took a couple of deep breaths.

I'm glad the kids are gonna hang again; that's nice of them. Maybe I'll take them to breakfast. We can go to that little coffee shop near the Pickwick Theater again. They make cheap, simple, good breakfasts. I don't miss my train all that often but, when I do, they're a quick, tasty way to get the old digestive tract moving. Kara loves it too.

I shivered in the hot water. It's terrible for me to think this way, blondie, but I miss you most of all in our bed. Yeah, there are all kinds of other reasons as well. I never knew from one day to the next how you were going to make love to me. There was that time you did nothing more than kiss and lick every inch of both of my legs. You found intense spots of pleasure I never knew existed. I need my wine. I reached for the glass on the little ceramic ledge and brought it to my lips. Turning Leaf Chardonnay -- silky smooth.

You loved how I'd take your labia, one side at a time, and tug them with my lips. I remember how surprised you were when I told you that a woman's clitoris extends down the inside of both sides of our thighs. You looked at me in disbelief when I told you there was a website devoted to our little love button -- the clitoris.

My fingers traced over the skin between my legs -- right and left side. I remember you moaning when it was my tongue.

"Please, baby, stop. Give me what I need." I think I giggled. "Are you doing this to prove your point?" I looked up over your hips at your glazed gray eyes and winked. "I think I hate you." I moved and bit your clit. "OW! Okay, okay, I don't." You giggled. "But you already know that." Mm hmm.

I was miserable. My fingers were moving idly over my body as I thought about you. I felt tears begging to be set loose. I wanted this bath to be about me. Or did I? I tried blinking the tears back even as they kept storming the gates. As my fingers slipped into my folds I let myself cry. Bitter, hot tears; why the fuck are you not in this bathtub with me tears.

I felt the little snot bubble on the end of my nose and ignored it. Okay, I lied. I brushed it off with my arm. I blinked twice in an effort to stem the tide. I'm an idiot. She's blonde, I love her, and I miss her. And those fingers; oh my god, her fingers know just how to do me so good!! Just saying those words turned the faucets on high. I cried, even as my hips bucked. No, I have no explanation. She's blonde, I love her, and she's gone. 

Please fuck me, Kara. I'm crazy missing you and I need to cum. Please take me over the top. I felt the tear slip down my cheek as I begged you to finish me. I saw your face behind my closed eyes, smiling that smile -- the one that knew you were wrecking me yet again. The possessive smile of a lover doing what she does to the woman she loves.

I sobbed as I pushed a third finger into my depths. I need you, woman. How do we make this right? How do I make this right? How can I... ohhhhh... it hit me and I don't know how. I screamed your name. My body shook. I heard the water slosh over the side of the tub and understood how a tsunami happens. It's an explosion deep underneath the surface of a bathrub. I laughed as I made the typing error. Bathrub - That is too funny! Kitty thought it was wonderful; the three fingers deep inside me thought it was hysterical. Thank you, Mrs. Freud, that was a fabulous slip! We all enjoyed it.

I have no idea how long I lay in the water. At some point my body and the water both got cold; thankfully my body let my mind know.

Oh my god that was delicious. A deep sigh confirmed it. The wine glass at my lips, the four or five deep sips were proof. 

I miss you, Kara. Please come home. I need you; oh my fucking god I need you!! I whispered that to the pillow as I hugged it, even as my tears wet the pillow case. When will it end? Will it end... and how?

** October 25th **

Kara

Having been out of the scene for so long, I didn't know where to start. I called a couple of 'friends' I'd known back then and the most I could get was the name of a club. This isn't exactly a forthcoming society. The only reason I even got the name was because I knew someone inside the circle. Even then it had come with a price. I didn't care; I'd pay it. I needed back in to find myself a new Domme.

Kelly agreed to meet me at a nearby coffee shop and take me herself. She was a Domme but referred to herself as a Mistress. What's the difference? Well you can be both; it depends on who you ask. To Kelly it meant she only took submissives who made a lifestyle commitment. Not just for a night here and there; they lived with her real time - 24/7. Highly respected among her peers, she never lacks for subs vying for a chance to be under her charge. 

She wasn't a sadist like Alexis; she would make sure I found someone 'safe'. Not that my safety was a concern for me; in fact it was the quite the opposite. I'm positive she sensed my recklessness and it's probably why she agreed to be the one to bring me to the club. She knew what Alexis had done.

Usually able to keep her feelings in check, she cried the night I rang her doorbell at 3am. Initially livid at the intrusion, her face paled when the door swung open and she found a badly beaten and scared young woman. She had pulled me inside and held me until the tears and shaking finally stopped.

She didn't have to ask what happened, it was painfully clear. As I undressed to get into the warm bath Mistress had drawn, she examined every inch of me. The welts, burns and cuts spoke for themselves and I cringed at the pain in her eyes. She knew what had inflicted each, and worse, what intensity was needed to cause the severity of the abuse. The most prominent were made by what is called "black lightening". Denser than a normal cane, it delivers an acute sensation making the sub feel as if they're being cut. In this case, it did just that. Lacerations, some deep, covered my legs and torso. They stung as I lowered myself into the water. Kelly visibly shivered as I'm sure she imagined the pain endured at the hands of an overzealous and careless Domme. She kept her anger boiling under the surface and focused on staying calm and gentle for my battered soul.

I don't know what happened exactly, but I do know Alexis was shunned from her community. Kelly held a personal vendetta against her, and what she wants she always gets. I'm forever indebted to her for the kindness she showed me and for making my fight hers. I wasn't even her sub, which spoke volumes to her character and respect for the lifestyle.




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 01



I wasn't sure exactly what day it was. It knew it was still October and that Barb had been back in town for a few days. And I knew the coat I wore wasn't nearly heavy enough to keep me warm. I knew Kelly had her reservations about me. This is not something she takes lightly and, knowing my history, she'd make sure it was absolutely the right thing for me before she agreed to bring me back into the fold. As the taxi pulled up to the stop, my heart pounded.

Am I ready to do this again? The fact that I'm naked under this coat is a good indication and, as I opened the door to the cab, my mind was made up. My legs weakened as I approached Kelly; nervous but also captivated by her beauty. It wasn't just that she was a naturally gorgeous woman; it was her confidence; an aura that enveloped any who came close.

A couple steps away, my stomach started to flip-flop. I suddenly realized I was out of practice with the proper etiquette when addressing a Mistress. I would just have to hope she was understanding and wouldn't consider it disrespectful. Once I was at her side, I kept my eyes down and decided to lead with the truth. 

"Good evening Mistress. I'm afraid it's been some time and I've forgotten how to address you."

You could hear the smile in her voice. "Kara, look at me." I did, her hazel eyes were hypnotic. "Before we worry about any of that, we need to have a conversation about you." I nodded. "Let's start with why you called me."

"I need to know more about who I am. I would like to find a Domme in order to explore my need for humiliation and maybe..." She knew; I didn't have to say it.

"Kara, I will not be any part of you finding an outlet for pain. While this is often a part of a scene, it's not in your best interest considering your history." I looked away; this isn't what I wanted to hear. "I told you to look at me." Her voice was harsh; it had been soft and even just seconds before. Great start, Kara. My eyes were instantly back on hers. Initially I opened my mouth to speak but her eyes told me otherwise, so I waited for her to continue. "This is not negotiable. If you want me to introduce you back into this lifestyle so you can expose yourself to physical harm again then go home." I'm not sure why but my chin quivered. "Say yes Ma'am if you agree; I'm not your Mistress."

"Yes Ma'am." My voice cracked. It's difficult to describe the power she exuded; it was both intimidating and comforting at the same time.

"I see sadness in your eyes. Tell me about that." 

I hesitated. Do I tell her about Lissy? Something told me she'll get it out of me anyway, so again I chose complete honesty. "I've recently lost the woman I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with." Tears filled my eyes, I was on the brink of breaking down and I hadn't really said anything yet. Her eyes were warm, urging me to continue. "It was my fault. I betrayed her and she can't trust me anymore."

It's as if the words were stabbing me in the heart. It's one thing to think them but when you say them it makes it... real. Part of me must have known which is why I've refused to talk to anyone about her. My heart was breaking all over again. I hung my head and cried. Oh I tried to stop but it was useless. I hadn't allowed myself to let go, and in less than five minutes this extraordinary woman had pulled it from me. I knew right then that this wasn't just about punishing myself; it was about feeling again. 

Her voice was soothing, "Kara, it's obvious you have a lot of hurt you haven't been dealing with. This may not be the right time. You have my number, give it some time and call me."

I shook my head as I rubbed the tears from my face and brought my eyes back up. I did my best to sound sure of myself. "Please Ma'am. Yes, I'm hurting but I believe this will help me face my feelings. I've been sulking on a friend's couch for weeks. Something has to give; I need this."

She smiled and it flooded my body with warmth. "Very well. Now lower your eyes and don't look at me or anyone unless I give you permission. You'll be my sub tonight and you will not participate without my say so. Your mouth stays shut unless instructed to speak or asked a direct question. You must agree to do anything I ask of you for the duration of the evening until I release you. For my part, I agree to make your safety and well-being a priority and will act accordingly. Afterwards, you will be free to go and any further interactions will be at my request only. Do you agree to these terms?"

"Yes, Ma'am." I would have agreed to anything, she made me feel safe and I trusted her.

"Good. This will be your only opportunity to ask questions, so if you have them ask now."

"No, Ma'am."

All of this seems formal but it was solely for my benefit. She knew it had been quite some time for me and I'd already admitted to not being sure of the rules. I appreciated her thoroughness. Without another word she turned and headed down the sidewalk, I followed a few paces behind. With each step, my anticipation grew. It seemed like forever since I had looked forward to something. It felt good.

We arrived at the 'club,' which was actually a house, a short time later. Through the back door and down the stairs without seeing another person. As soon as we entered the basement, everything was transformed. It looked similar to many of the places I'd been to before but classier. I stole glances as we walked amongst the crowd and Mistress greeted several other Dommes. The lighting was dim except for several alcoves spread throughout. Each was setup for a scene to be performed and had floor to ceiling curtains that could be pulled for privacy. The energy in the room was electric; I'm realizing how much I've missed it.

As Mistress ushered us around, I felt eyes on me from all sides. Of course I wasn't permitted to look, but god was it making me hot. What happened next set me on fire. Yes, she knew. "Pet, take off your coat and hang it by the door." That would mean walking through the crowd and back again, naked. On display for everyone. I ignored the thundering in my chest and unbuttoned my coat slowly, for the pleasure of Mistress of course. As I slid it off of my shoulders and into my hand, I felt my entire body flush at once. I turned and began my journey back to the door. Some of the bodies moved aside as I approached, while others made me wait. No one would dare touch me without Mistress' permission but their gazes were enough. 

By the time I'd hung up my coat and was making my way back, my thighs were slick with arousal. The urge to look up was beginning to consume me. I wanted to see the hunger I was feeling. When I got back to Mistress, she was facing away from me. I knew this was only a ruse; she had kept her eyes on me the entire 'exercise'. Not to see me naked, although I admit that notion is exhilarating, it was to ensure no one acted inappropriately. No doubt the same eyes that followed me had sought who my Mistress was and I can tell you with absolute certainty; having seen who it was, they were on their best behavior. In turn, it put me at ease, made me feel safe.

She continued to talk for several minutes before recognizing my return. It's then I noticed she had also taken off her coat. She must have found someone to handle it for her because it was just missing. I stated that she was beautiful before, but add to that sexy as hell. The mid-length leather dress hugged her body. There couldn't have been room for air between it and her silky smooth skin. From what I could see with my eyes averted, she had long sleeves and the front dipped dangerously low. The legs that came out of the bottom of that dress however, I had a wonderful view of. Her three inch black heels made every muscle stand out on her toned calves. 

I was pulled from my moment of adoration by her voice. "Pet, Mistress Jamie has asked to borrow you. She enjoys tying up subs in one of her slings to be on display for her guests." Her guests? She must be the hostess. I'm honored she's taken an interest in me. I'm unsure if a response is expected since there wasn't a question posed, so I stay quiet.

Mistress Jamie begins to walk away. Do I follow? "Come with me," she calls over her shoulder. That answers that. I follow close behind, not wanting to lose sight of her. We stop at a contraption placed in the center along one wall. It's difficult to describe, but I'll do my best as she fastens me in. "Stand with your back against the wall, hands out to your side and feet spread slightly apart." Her tone is concise and even. I do as I'm told. It turns out I'm not staying in this position; it was merely to help with the tying of all the straps; and I mean twenty or more. It took several minutes for her to finish. While her demeanor was cold, she was gentle as she attached and tightened each one. Every tug on a strap heightened my stimulation. There were ones around my wrists, upper arms, ankles, thighs, stomach, shoulders and another placed firmly between my legs. It rubbed my throbbing clit and was fastened to one around my chest.

Mistress Jamie leaned close to my ear. The crowd that had formed since we began had made it difficult to talk normally. "I want you to nod if you're okay." I did. "Good. There are additional straps around your wrists, ankles and shoulders." I had wondered about that. "They are there to support your weight. This sling will lift you from the floor, spread your legs and pull your ankles as close to your wrists as you can tolerate." Holy shit, okay. I nod, more than a bit nervous at this point. The sweat snaking its way down my neck is proof. "Good girl. Are you ready?" I nod again, hoping like hell I'm indeed 'ready'. She didn't hesitate and hoisted me off the floor. It took my breath away. 

From the jolt and pain, you'd have thought I was ten feet off the floor; it was more like six inches. After letting the initial shock subside, she began tightening the straps, slowly pulling my ankles out and up. My knees bent and were forced apart. The burn on the inside of my thighs was numbing. Farther and farther apart, the leather between my legs was pushing deeper. I don't know if she was waiting for it, but I nodded when it got to my threshold of pain (a little past it actually). The crowd clapped and the murmurs were building to a dull roar. 

Lastly, she placed something in my right palm and said, "If it gets to be too much, pull that and you'll be released." I nod. She adds with a hint of mirth, obviously pleased with herself, "But I know you won't dare pull it. You'll let all of my guests stare at you, helpless. Won't you?" I nod again. Honestly, I have no idea what I can handle, but the challenge is invigorating.

Don't ask me how much time passed. Hosts of people came by, ogled, laughed, barked out demeaning comments and the like. Me? I could FEEL and that felt so fucking good. One visitor in particular made an impression. She stood there for a while and said nothing, then finally came close so I could hear her. "You are quite beautiful." Chills, her voice was low and raspy. "You like pain. So do I. And I'm so good at giving it." The flood gates in my pussy opened. "I've taken it upon myself to slip my card in the pocket of your coat." Her fingertips touched my cheek, I flinched. "My name is Mistress Veronica. Call me." Before I could respond, she was pulled away.

Her voice was replaced with Mistress Kelly's. "I don't think we've met. Who are you, exactly?" Her voice was a knife.

Veronica scoffed and replied curtly, "Leaving." I didn't dare tell Mistress what she said to me, and the event signaled our time to leave. As I was carefully lowered and the straps removed one by one, an overwhelming feeling of guilt hit me. What would Lissy think of me here, doing this? This isn't what I want, is it? No - I think. Tell kitty that, you slut! The tears were brief but telling. What I thought I needed was a distraction from what I want. I want Lissy back.

Mistress brought me my coat and we left without another word. She was not happy with how it ended. Her radar had been triggered and was having no more of it. As we stood waiting for my taxi, she was brief. "Kara, you did well tonight. I'm pleased. I can't stress enough that I don't want you venturing back into this lifestyle alone. If you want to continue to pursue it, I ask that you call me."

"Yes Ma'am." My hand searched my pocket and felt the thin card inside.

"Good. Now be safe." She turned and left as my taxi pulled to the curb.

** October 30th **

Kara

I'd been a machine the past few days. For the first time in a while, I felt a sense of purpose. After my night with Kelly, I realized that my priority was Lissy. Yes, there were answers still to be had and healing to be done but it was clear to me that I needed my partner to do it. We'd figure it out, together. After I stopped feeling sorry for myself about what happened on my birthday, I knew the reason why Lissy had run. It was the same as my reason - panic. What would we say? I'm sure she even doubted whether or not she saw me, just as I had her. One thing I knew with absolute certainty though, she loved me. I just needed to get in front of her again and this time, I won't run. I'm ready to throw myself at her mercy, beg for her forgiveness and do whatever it takes to win her trust again. She's my everything and I can't and won't live without her.

Back to the machine and my purpose. I started with showing up to work on time again. Seems obvious but it helped me get back into a routine. Often I'd show up early and was able to cut out of the office a bit early. This gave me time to catch a bus and get over to Lissy's side of town before she left for the day. The first couple of days, I went for the sure thing. I waited near her office to get a glimpse of her as she walked out. I needed to see her without the pressure of approaching. Something to take the edge off for when it was time. It worked, I think. In the very least it made me happy. Just those few seconds changed my whole evening. I was giddy even. Barb must have thought I was off my rocker, more than usual, but I know she was just happy to see me not sulking. So was I. The dreams had stopped too. The routine was working. Soon my love... we'll be together again.

A couple of days before Halloween I decided to try and intercept her at the coffee shop by her office. I'd seen her there before and I just had a feeling that today was the day. Filled with anticipation, I barely slept the night before. Finally at 4am I got up and showered. I tried to relax and see if maybe just the possibility of seeing her today would allow me a much needed orgasm. I hadn't been able to cum since we were together last. No chance. Kitty was on lockdown... little bitch. She had clearly established a 'Lissy or nothing' policy. I giggled as I dried off; nothing was going to get me down. Can't say I blamed her either, I felt the same way. It's okay honey, we're going to get our girls back.

When I hit the sidewalk outside Barb's condo Wednesday morning there was a spring in my step. I had a destination, a purpose and, most importantly, confidence. I hailed a cab and as we drove, I thought about the past few days and my brief Lissy sightings. She was beautiful. There is an air about her, confidence and kindness. I had been too far away to catch the details of her face but my memory filled in the blanks. Her lips, those legs and that neck... I shivered. Yeah, I have it bad and I miss her something terrible. Before you say anything, no I don't just miss her body. It just happens to be the only thing I can think about at the moment. I have the feeling I may be under the influence of my kitty's burning need to be reunited with her love. I get it, really. The cab's abrupt stop in front of the coffee shop broke me out of my daydream. I paid and headed inside. This was a long shot but in the very least I'd get a good cup of chai tea.

As I waited for my order the nerves started to set in a tad. I wasn't going to back out, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel slightly sick to my stomach. When the barista handed me the tea, my hands were shaking. Deep breaths Kara, come on. I grabbed the cup with both hands and made my way to a table. Sitting is probably a sound idea. Time began to fly by. Commuters, one after the other, came in and back out again. Usually I enjoy people watching but there was only one person I was interested in seeing. 

After 9am came and went, I knew the window had passed but I ordered another tea and stayed until 10. I wasn't going to let myself get discouraged. Instead, I used the time to think of my next move. Just before I left, I had another plan. Halloween would be a perfect time to catch her at her house. I laughed to myself as I entertained the possibility of dressing up and showing up under the guise of trick or treating. Yeah, it's a silly idea but it didn't stop me from having it. That's one thing her and I always did well, silly. Nope, I think showing up as me would be more than enough. Goosebumps flooded my skin as I headed back out into the cold and went to work.

** October 31st **

Lissy

I think the only reason I went out to dinner on Halloween was the whole 'trick or treat' thing. Normally I don't mind the kids and all the rest of it. These days? I had no interest in any of it at all. I have no idea what sort of silliness Kara and I would have dreamed up. Having dinner alone was a miserable solution -- trust me! But I took some sort of solace in the thought that at least I wasn't 'alone' -- as in -- the restaurant was reasonably full. 

I ordered a bottle of red wine, a New York strip steak, a salad with blue cheese dressing, and potato chips. HA! Kidding! My heart may be tattered but I still have my sense of humor. Course potato chips made me think of Twizzlers, which made me think of those blue eyes I miss so desperately.

"Lissy! I'm surprised to see you downtown after work. Is Kara coming or is she in the ladies room?"

Bette? You have to be fucking KIDDING me! I knew who it was in the first couple of words. Talk about trick or treat!

I tried to make it a snarl rather than a scream. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I saw her body shrink at my anger.

"I... maybe this was a mistake, Lissy. I just wanted to say hi to you both and ask how... Maybe this was a bad idea."

"Bad idea? We're not seeing each other thanks to you." Surprise and shock registered on what I stupidly thought was a pretty face. "Yeah, Alexis, that's right. Your idiocy, not to mention Kara's lack of honesty, led to our breakup."

If she was devastated to hear that we weren't a couple anymore, using the name Kara knew her as seemed a dagger. Her eyes darted side to side as she looked for anyone who might hear our conversation. The restaurant was crowded but the area around us wasn't. I wanted to get in one more shot.

"Has the Department of Professional Regulation contacted you yet?" She turned completely pale.

"I better be going." No eye contact. "Have a good night, Lissy." She shuffled away. I took a big gulp of wine.

My server brought my dinner. I wondered if she'd seen what happened.

"I'm so sorry; would you please get this ready for me to take home." I smiled. "Your service has been fine. I'm just not as hungry as I thought I was." She never looked at me as she took my plate in her hand.

"If that woman was a problem I can speak to my manager and have her removed." Let me say that it was tempting.

"Thank you, but it won't be necessary." I handed her my credit card. "If you'd ring this up I'll be on my way." A thin smile, a nod, and she left. I poured another glass of wine. I might as well drink this -- I paid for it. I put the glass down and shook my head. Wine isn't going to bring Kara back. Whining isn't either. Fuck it -- I took another deep gulp.




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 02







Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 02



"I'm guessing either my daughter or her girlfriend called your sister, Shade." I heard a soft laugh.

"Yes, I was told you and Kara met my sister and her girlfriend. They're quite a pair! June called Kim, who called me. I hope you're not upset, Lissy. If you don't mind my saying so, she did the right thing. If you're not able to deal with this yet, getting it in the hands of someone who's not emotionally involved may be the best thing for everyone involved. Does that make sense?"

"Barb Romano, a past love interest of Kara's, called me. It seems Kara hasn't been living at her condo but has been sleeping on a couch at Barb and her girlfriend's place. I got the feeling it's uncomfortable at best for all of them. But what prompted Barb to call was, in her words, some erratic behavior lately from Kara. Not to mention - she hasn't been back to their condo in a while."

"Erratic? Did she give any specifics?"

"It seems Kara's been staying out much later than normal. Barb said it was mostly work and back on the couch."

"What does Kara do for a living?"

"She's in banking, like me."

"You two work together?"

"Oh god no. I couldn't stand it if I had to see her every day." My eyes teared at the thought.

"Okay. Was there anything else you think is worth mentioning?"

"Well, it wasn't mentioned, but if she's staying out later than normal, she may be going to work late as well. There wasn't anything specific but I got the sense Barb may have seen some bruising on Kara."

"Did Barb say anything about Alexis, who you know as Bette?" I had to fight the urge to throw up hearing that name.

"I got the feeling she may know about Alexis from their time as lovers. I find it impossible to believe that Kara would go back to Bette, especially after how things turned out for the two of us."

"Yes, I agree with you about that."

"Is that helpful?" When Shade spoke again, her voice was cold and she spit the words.

"Yes, thank you very much, Lissy. It sounds like Kara may have gone back into..." She stopped; I heard her take a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I need to control myself. I'm... no. Since Destiny has come into my life I've stepped away from a lot of what I was involved in. I still know some of the people and places, but neither of us has any interest in being involved in any way. Do you have any pictures of Kara?" I nodded and wiped my eyes as tears started.

"Yes, I do." Lissy, you sound pathetic. "I'm so sorry, Shade; I must sound absolutely pathetic to you."

Her voice soft, Shade replied, "You're a woman in pain, Lissy. You love Kara deeply. Even the short time we were together that Saturday, it was evident to us both. We talked about it on our way home." We were busy... oh god! "There's no need to apologize. If you can get a copy to June or Rachel it will find its way to me. Can you think of anything else that might be helpful?"

I wracked my brain but couldn't think of anything. Truth be told, I was a damn mess.

"Shade, I apologize. I'm kind of a mess recounting all of this. If I think of something over the weekend, may I call you?" I had a thought. "Oh yeah, I found the card you gave me that night at the club. Lincoln Park something. The business you own." Can I possibly sound any more like an idiot? I thought I could hear the smile.

"Any time you have anything you think could help, Lissy. Is it okay to call you at work if I need to?"

"Ya know what? Is this your cell phone?"

"It is, yes."

"I'll add this and your work number so I know if you're calling. Please add my cell number. I'd prefer you call me here."

"I completely understand. The holidays are right around the corner. You have a family, Lissy. If there's time, perhaps Destiny and I could have you to dinner some night." I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it was a near faux pas and I had to stifle a giggle.

"Thank you, Shade. I'm guessing I'll hear from you again when and if you have something to call about. And thank you for calling. It means a lot that you want to involve yourself in something that has nothing to do with you. As you said, we barely know each other. You're very gracious to offer your help. Please say hi to your lovely Destiny."

"Thank you, I will. I hope you have a good weekend, Lissy. Thank you for being as candid and helpful about something so personal and painful. Goodbye for now."

I dropped the phone on the couch and collapsed. What a grueling hour that was. My neck hurt, my tummy hurt, and I wanted to fuck something. I giggled. Do I have a zucchini in the house? I started to cry; it was a zucchini that was our introduction to Kim and Honey. How thin the connection sometimes, right? Blondie, please come home!!!

I wanted a drink. I wanted to go to the gym and beat something senseless -- like me. I wanted to get on a plane and go somewhere really far away -- something so remote that no one would find me. Hey, I've had a subscription to Forbes for years. I think there was an article or an ad for something and Bora Bora was pictured. I bet I can hide out there!!

Hey Lissy.

You again?

Yeah, that annoying thing you call a conscience.

Did I mention you are so not on my Christmas card list?

I'm used to it, sister. When are you gonna woman up and call your woman?

Do you not understand what the fuck happened?

Language!!

Fuck you!

Remember June doing that hilarious chicken imitation?

You know I do.

I know you do. Call her. It's tearing you up inside every dam... darn day.

Ha! You miss her just like I do. Some conscience you are!

I'm you aren't I?

Crap; yeah, I guess so.

Have a lovely weekend, asshole.

Perfect, my conscience called me an asshole. I guess the old saying is right. If enough people tell you you're an ass, better start looking for a team to hook up to.

I lay on the couch, worn out and, odd as it may sound, even more confused than usual after the conversation with Shade.

A rare clear thought passed through my fevered mind. I just shared some of the most difficult details about the apparent end of my relationship with the woman I love with someone who is a complete stranger. How odd!

I dragged myself off the couch, headed to the kitchen, shook my head, and headed back to the couch. To do what I have no clue. Just that quickly I bounced to my feet, grabbed a coat, my purse, the keys, and headed to my car. I did make sure to lock the back door.

If you're wondering, I'm heading to Kara's condo. No, I have no idea either. Whatever the reason, I'm going to assume that she won't be there. If she is... no, I have no clue what will happen. I know my conscience told me to call. Since she's me, she knows where my thoughts and my heart are. My thoughts may be on my blondie but that thing... I just can't get past it. At least to me, Kara violated my trust. I know; it wasn't the first time. That one I had some culpability for. Plus, I could have bolted from the shower when what happened unfolded. I didn't, so some of it's on me.

Bette... yes, thinking about her, let alone saying her name, makes my skin crawl. Shrink, domme, snake -- I don't even know where to start. At least as far as I know she violated the most basic tenet of her profession. Was Kara completely at fault? That was the thing I had wrestled with since late August. Bette had taken what I'd shared in our sessions and given it to Kara as suggestions for how to 'help' me. 

Saturday traffic on the expressway into the city was horrible. One of the winter sports teams probably has a game tonight but it was too early for that traffic. I suppose the good thing about slow moving traffic is I can think. Bad thing about that traffic is that I can think.

What are you doing today, Kara? I swear to god -- just saying that brought tears to my eyes. I blinked them away furiously, needing to keep my vision clear to drive. I'm worried about you, lover. Are you okay? Please don't do anything stupid. Stupid, do you mean like driving downtown to her condo? Will you please shut UP! I do not need my conscience giving me grief. This is more than hard enough.

What would we be doing today if... No, I can't let myself do that. We're not. It helps nothing to do that to myself. To you. To us. Is there still an us?

I got on the exit ramp and snaked my way through the one way streets that were now so familiar. Saints be praised and early Saturday afternoon meant I found a parking spot on the street within a block of the condo. When the car was safely in the space I turned off the engine and cried. Yeah, I know, okay, so just leave me alone.

When I finished, I fished through my stash of tissues and napkins in the center console and dabbed at my eyes. And froze. I saw her. She's thinner than she was. Why are you here, Kara? Barb told me you weren't living here. So why today? I laughed. She would ask me the same thing if she knew I was here. I know, right -- what chance was there of that.

Oh my god! She turned her head and I think we may have made eye contact. Just for the same split second as that morning outside the Dunkin Donuts. I ducked. I can't believe she saw me. The only reason I got caught was that I had been crying. What was she wearing? She had a coat on so I couldn't tell. I did see her legs... god, those legs!!

I waited and watched. And watched and waited. And waited and watched some more. I didn't want to walk into the condo and find her there. Why not, Lissy? I don't know. Yes you do; just say it. Okay. I'm scared. Of? I honest to god don't know. Please leave me alone. I bent and put my head in my hands.

Kitty was breaking things, stomping around, yelling at me. She's... she misses Kara and her kitty. Look, I don't run this complex being that is me. I sorta kinda do. But my emotions, my heart, and my kitty want one thing. And there's this thing -- I think it's my conscience but I'm not sure -- that wants some clarity. If that's the word. I know what it wants. It wants me to sit down and talk to her.

There's the problem! All the other things clamoring for... us... want us to be horizontal.

May I share? So do I.

Yeah, I'm human. Very much so in case you were wondering. My body and my mind -- a.k.a. my dreams -- are letting me know what their thoughts are. They need my honey. Okay, enough already.

I got out of the car -- only after looking every which way in mirrors and more. My right hand held the keys to the building and the condo. My left held my purse, which was on my shoulder. 

Thankfully, no one else was waiting for the elevator. My eyes teared when the door closed. That was my last... no, Lissy. You can't go there - not now. You may not know for sure why you're here, but you know you can't live in all the memories of what the two of you did here. There are too many of them, they're too vivid, and they hurt too much. 

Let them hurt. The pain is what you need to end this farce. I shook my head. The elevator door opened. I stood in the elevator, half expecting her to walk in. I know; idiotic. I saw her leave for god's sake! I have no idea.

I pushed the key in the door, took a deep breath, and turned it. The scent enveloped me. It was as prevalent as it was in my home. I felt my nipples tighten and my kitty... she put her goggles on. I'm sorry honey but they aren't here.

Everything felt as if I'd just been here yesterday. It looked, felt, and smelled familiar. I wondered if it was because she had just been here. And I wondered why she had just been here. 

I can't explain why I did what I did. I went to our toy chest, found what I wanted, stripped, and lay on our bed.

You know what I did next.

I screamed her name as the orgasm screamed through me. The nipple clamps, the crop, the under the bed restraints were all part of my attempt to relive what she... my lover... my Kara... my heart... 

My limbs shook as I sobbed. My orgasm was as hard and as thorough as any I'd had since... then. I know why. It was why I did what I'd done.

It took several minutes for it to subside; when it did I unhooked from the restraints, turned on my side, and cuddled you.

I woke to darkness. We'd gone back to standard time a few weeks ago. When my head cleared I looked at the clock. It was still early -- 6:45. I rolled to my back and stretched. 

If Kara had have been here, she would have stretched with me and devoured me. I shivered; kitty whimpered. Oh yeah -- the nipple clamps. Annie and Oakley weren't very happy when I turned them loose. Sorry darlings; you know I love you.

I let my body recover from the orgasm and from what I'd done to induce it. I smiled as I thought about that. My crazed mind let itself wander to imagine that it was my blondie that had given me my cum. I snuggled comfortably on my side -- the same side I'd have been on when that woman of mine and I went to bed... if only she were here. I closed my eyes.

** November 16th **

Kara

Stop it! You didn't see her, just keep walking. Why can't you accept that she doesn't love you anymore?

She DOES, I know it. I still feel her.

You're a junkie.

I thought it was her... SHUT UP! Get out of my head.

Are you sure you thought it was her? Or is that just what you told yourself?

You were there... I mean I was there... god, please stop. Frantically I fish through my purse, where is it? I can't be out! Feeling the plastic bag in my hand, I let out a sigh of relief. I had been in a hurry and grabbed as many as I could as I sneaked out of Mistress' house this morning. I can't stop my hands from shaking long enough to open the fucking thing! Why is the bag so tiny?! As I try to open it again it falls from my hand to the ground. DAMN IT! I look down, the ground begins spinning and I lose my balance. Stumbling, my hands hit first then my knee; the pain shoots through my body and sweat beads on my forehead. I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the spinning. Breathe Kara, stop and breathe.

Sitting back on my knees, I feel around for the baggy on the sidewalk. Rough concrete is all I feel. I get a nauseating sensation in my stomach as I run my hand under my knee. I pull the bag out and don't even have to look; the pill is crushed. Fuck me! Fuck, fuck, fuck!! My eyes fill, brimming with hate - for myself. 

Weak bitch, stop crying.

I told you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

That's right, get mad! Get something! Just get your ass up. Without knowing how, I was on my feet and walking again. I looked at the bag and decided, broken or not, I need it. NOW! My fingers manage to break the seal of the bag. I tip my head back and pour the powder into my mouth. So focused on getting every last bit from the bag, it took a moment for the bitterness to hit me. It's horrid... I mean absolutely inedible. My body rejects it as I gag. Hand flies to my mouth as I seal my lips. NO! I choke and snort but still keep it in. Eyes burning and nose running, I put all my resolve into swallowing everything in my mouth, bile and all. I groan, growl and jump around until it goes down. Leaning on the first thing I reach, I wait a few moments to make sure it's going to stay down. My chin is quivering, legs are wobbly... it's done.

It's then I realize I'm leaning on a store window. I look up and see my reflection. My eyes are empty. GOOD! Hailing a cab, I give him a familiar address - Lissy's. I don't know why. I told myself it was to prove I didn't see her parked outside my condo. I'd just go, see her car and leave. Easy. The lies we tell ourselves. My body starts to feel lighter as we drive. The pain turns to gentle tingles and I feel my pulse slow. Peace, finally. I'll close my eyes and rest until we get there.

I look around; no car. She usually parks in the garage. I know this. With no plan, I pay the driver and get out. No telling what my heart would be doing if I wasn't high, because it felt like it was beating out of my chest. I heard it my ears, felt in pulsing in my neck and yes, kitty throbbed to the beat. Don't ask how I knew, but as I reached the front door I knew no one was home. I couldn't help myself as I found her key, unlocked the door and went inside. 

Lissy... oh Lissy. Her essence hit me as soon as I enter. Her smell, her presence, even her love, it embraces me. The beeping from her alarm jerks me to reality. I forgot the code! Even if I didn't, what if she changed it?! First try... wrong! Second try... wrong again! The beeping is getting faster, so is my heart. Come on!! Think, Kara! Third try... 'beep beep,' disarmed. My forehead rests on the wall as I try to regain my composure.

On autopilot, my legs carry me up the stairs. Slowly I climb, hand on the rail to keep me steady. Down the hall to our... her door. Already open just a crack, I place my hand on the door and freeze. Electricity pulses through me but I can't move. Beyond this door, what will I find? I knew I'd find all forms of her and I need so badly to feel her, just be near her; but I'm paralyzed by fear of what wouldn't be there; me. As if I never existed, like she never loved me at all. I couldn't stand to think of it but something deep inside kept nagging at my soul, telling me that she has moved on... forgotten me, us. I sit on the floor in hallway, unable to take another step closer. With my knees pulled to my chest, I rest my head and my heart.

"Kara?" Just a whisper, but I heard it. Again, "Kara." I lift my head, it's dark. I must have fallen asleep. Looking around, I don't see anyone. "Lissy? Where are you baby?" Silence. Tears spill down my cheeks. I must have dreamt it; it felt so real though. I walk my hands up the door frame and pull myself to my feet. Pushing the door open, I focus on the clock by the bed, 12:45am. Why aren't you home, Lissy? Tired and confused, I walk to her bed and get in on my side. I cuddle her pillow to my face and breathe in deep. She smells so good. Hold me baby. 

I lie on my side staring at and caressing her pillow, imagining she's lying there looking at me as she has so many times before. Soon I see her face, the moonlight dancing in her hair. My fingers brush her cheek; she smiles and my whole body warms. "I've missed you so much, Lissy," my voice barely audible. Her eyes soften as she nods. I can't wait another second, I inch closer and closer still until our lips meet. "Ohhhh baby..." I whisper into her mouth as I moan softly. Content with just the contact of her lips on mine, I'm floating away. Take me. She pulls me into her arms and I melt. I'm home.

** November 17th **

Lissy

I woke Sunday to bright sunlight and familiar smells from the kitchen. In a panic I threw off the covers and headed to the source. The kitchen was empty; my senses had imagined it all. I leaned on the couch to steady myself as I cried. I had no idea that our minds were so powerful that they could imagine scents and smells as clearly as I had.

Nearly by rote I made coffee. Nearly; I smiled. There had been so many fun moments -- some here, some at my house. Some of them were on weekdays; some... on weekends.

I shook my head as I headed to the bathroom. I turned on the shower -- and shivered. Talk about your 'scene of the crime.' Okay, I know it's not exactly that; so do you.

I rushed through the shower -- barely able to stand being there. And just you never mind the hot water. I hurried to dry off, hurried to dress. Hmm! I left my panties on the bed. Yes, I thought about putting on a fresh pair from my drawer.

I smiled a secret smile as I got on the expressway and headed home.

Yeah, I had gone back and forth about spending the night at the condo. I know you're not surprised. It would be partly cuz I needed to be in the aura that I felt there. Yes, I admit part of the why would be the chance that Kara might come home, though in my heart of hearts I doubted that would be the case.




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 02



The biggest surprise, not to mention shock, of the day was seeing Kara leave the condo yesterday. Especially after what Barb told me - I never would have guessed I'd have seen her there. If you want to know the truth -- seeing Kara at the Dunkin Donuts on her birthday made more sense.

The tired old joke is that there are two seasons in Chicago -- winter and construction. Mid November doesn't qualify as winter if there isn't snow -- though most of the construction projects are finished by the end of October. Most of! I snaked my way through 'most of.' It's not like I was in a hurry to get home, especially to an empty home.

I pushed the garage door closed as I opened the back door. I shuddered as I realized how desperately I wished Kara was with me. I threw my coat over the back of a chair; put my purse and keys on the counter, and headed up upstairs.

It felt like every step was like 'The Green Mile.' I know -- stupid. It's my life. It's my house. She's my... everything. And she's not here. Again. Every nerve jangled as I stood in my kitchen. I walked slowly into the living room. I had the oddest feeling that Kara had been here. At first I dismissed it; I'd seen her leave her place. She was on foot too. I have no idea where she was going but she obviously wasn't getting there in her car. Could she have taken a cab up here? Yes of course; but she'd have had to take one home too. Well, she could have had the cab drive her to the train. That's not out of the realm of possibilities. But why would she? Maybe for the same reason I'd gone to her place.

It was the middle of the afternoon and I was all kinds of tired. I decided to try and nap. After I stripped and sat on the toilet one more time, I put my head in my hands and sighed. Is this a game of chicken, Kara? Are you okay? God knows I'm not. If you're as big a mess as me -- please don't do anything stupid.

Stupid? Do you mean like spending the night at her condo? Can a girl get an deportation order for her conscience? You love me and you know it. I shook my head, pulled the covers up, and turned on my side.

And cried.

I love you, blondie!!! Please come home.

And sobbed uncontrollably.

***

I woke up from my nap fuzzy headed and drained. Kara was influencing my mood, my sleep, and a bunch of other things. When we were living together it was a natural part of a relationship. Now -- not so much.

I pulled on some socks, grabbed a sweatshirt from the closet, and headed downstairs and to the kitchen. That was after a stop in the bathroom. It was ugly. I looked tired, haggard, wan, pale; I could go on. I made the decision in that moment to go to the gym more, to get a massage, and to stop pining for my Kara.

I made coffee. I closed my eyes and lay my head against the kitchen cabinet as I thought about what happened this morning at the condo. I shook my head and tried to banish the memory. 

I wasn't hungry and I needed to eat. I didn't want to do something complicated. Bacon sounded good. Bacon is my friend. Bacon knows I miss my blondie and will be my friend. Okay, enough Lissy. I'm giggling.

I made bacon and some eggs. Have I talked about eggs and me? Even if I have I'm going to do it again. Anyone can make scrambled eggs. Okay, well not anyone. Kara lived alone all those years. I have no idea how she survived. Anything microwaved was doable. Toast? Waffles? Yes and yes. Pop Tarts. I recuse myself. They make me ill. They're in the same category as ramen noodles. And chicken pot pies.

Anyway -- eggs. I like them flipped, with the yolk broken and crushed red pepper. I made toast too. All I had to add was lettuce and tomato for a BLT. It's Sunday. And I have a hard and fast rule -- I only eat homemade BLT's with Kara.

I'm being a very silly rebel. I poured more coffee and sat down, feeling very satisfied with myself. And very silly.

My phone rang. The ring tone told me it wasn't any of my kiddos; and it wasn't my honey either. I put the sandwich down and got up to get it. Becky! I looked longingly at the sandwich and opened the phone.

"Hi Becky; this is a pleasant surprise. How are you?"

"Hey, Lissy, I'm great. I was sort of torturing myself about whether to call you." I suppose I deserve that. "How have you been?" No matter what, I'm not doing my 'theatric collapse' again.

"Okay overall, Becky. I've been trying to stay busy and manage my attitude. I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job at either, but I'm trying."

"Well, it's still early, Lissy. Give yourself time to put some distance between then and now. Everyone's different. Each relationship has a life and characteristics of its own."

"I'm trying. Anyway, let's not talk about that, Becky. As I mentioned, it's a surprise to hear from you. After the way I made such a mess of our coffee, I was pretty sure I wouldn't hear from you again." 

Much as I like the woman, I was somewhat at a loss of what to talk about. We had talked on the phone a few times and the ill fated coffee misadventure didn't last very long.

Kids. She has a daughter; what the hell is her name. I can talk about mine, too.

"Lissy?" Her voice brought me back to the moment. "Do you want to try again?" No; I'm terrified I'd mess it up again. "I'm treating last time as a do-over, a mulligan." I have to tell her.

"Becky, I admit to being more than a little gun shy about a repeat performance. I'm not sure my ego could stand it." The pretty redhead's voice was anything but cordial when she answered.

"Stop doing that to yourself, Lissy." Allrightythen! She laughed. I didn't. "I didn't mean for that to come out quite as sharply as it did, honey." Honey? My honey is blonde. "It may still feel like it just happened yesterday but it didn't. Even if we never click, it's still a night out. Maybe we could try something around Woodfield. I don't know if you go out there very much, but there certainly is no shortage of choices where we could have a good dinner."

Maybe she's trying to tell me something calling me that. "Thanksgiving is pretty much right around the corner. Do you want to do something before or wait till after?" I heard the sigh.

"Do you have a preference, Lissy?"

"I'm sorry, Becky. You're trying to be cheerful and I'm not doing a very good job. You pick a date and a place and I promise I'll say yes. And I promise to be a better date, too." She laughed.

"Ya got me with that one, Lissy, but it's a deal. Would it be okay if I call you after dinner? I'll look online and find something different, fun, for us. What are you doing the rest of the afternoon."

"Sharpening the knives."

We said our goodbyes after we had laughed ourselves silly.

I nuked what was left of the bacon and ate every last crumb. I confess to eating the toast a little at a time as Becky and I talked and most of the bacon as well. I hoped it wasn't too obvious that I was eating; that felt rude.

It was still light out and I had nothing to do, so I changed into workout clothes and hustled myself to the car and the gym.

I'm not crazy about working out. Here's the thing -- I'm not getting any younger, and if I have any hope of staying fit, I have to go. And I have to go more often. And I especially have to be mindful of not letting my mood or my circumstances dictate whether I go or not. The downhill side of 60 is no place to be a slacker when it comes to fitness.

I can't do a damn thing about gravity, but I'm in control of what's between my ears. And I'm pretty sure I'll sleep better after a good workout. I shivered. I mean... oh crap; you and I both know what was on my mind when I wrote that.

I think it was a good workout! I didn't overdo it too badly. I did a set and a half on every machine. First, I did half a set to warm up, a break that consisted of 30 minutes on the recumbent bicycle, and a full set. Yes, my mind wandered as it does a lot. I wondered if Kara was going to her gym as well. I had a feeling, if Barb's report was correct, that she wasn't.

I didn't bother with clothes. I put on clean socks and a warm robe after my shower.

I wasn't all that hungry, so I grabbed a book I was reading and settled in on the big comfy wing chair in the great room. Me, Janet Evanovich, and a bag of Lays BBQ chips. I giggled. I bought 'Explosive Eighteen' when I bought the chips. Stephanie Plum cracks me up. She's a complete spazz; how in the world she ever catches a criminal is beyond me. And the dueling duo of Morelli and Ranger absolutely leave me breathless from laughter.

'Ranger' is almost stereotypical - dark, mysterious, and dangerous. Morelli is all Italian. Hot tempered and always horny. The books aren't deep but they're funny as hell. I can't remember the last time a car Stephanie was driving wasn't blown up, run into, or otherwise destroyed. Sometimes they're her beat up junkers; sometimes they're Ranger's.

Janet's books tend not to run more than 300 pages. If I start early enough and stay up late enough I can polish one off in one sitting. Yup, I can do both a Plum novel and a bag of chips. Your potato chip whore is quite proud of herself.

True to her word, Becky called.

"Do anything fun since we talked this afternoon?" 

"Actually yes; I went to the gym and beat myself to a pulp for the heck of it." She laughed. "I realized after we talked that I need to take better care of myself. Some of that includes getting back into the routine of working out." I smiled at the thought. "One never knows when a cute redhead will come along and ask one to dinner.'

"One certainly doesn't and she did. There are a veritable plethora of choices. I've narrowed it down to three -- Wildfire, Shaw's Crab House, and a place with an interesting name... Bonefish." It's such an odd name. Why does it ring a bell?

"I've seen ads for Shaw's, and I've been to Wildfire. Have you been to the oddly named Bonefish, Becky?"

"Nope. I went to their website and was shocked to find there's a restaurant not all that far from me. It's one of four in the Chicago area. Anyway, I guess you aren't interested in Wildfire. Do you like fish, Lissy? Not everyone does."

"I do, yes. I have a feeling that Shaw's is mostly a seafood restaurant. Do you have a preference, Becky? Did you look at the Bonefish menu? Is it more balanced -- a choice of fish, meat and whatever?"

"Yeah I did. And you're right; they offer a good selection to choose from. Red meat, chicken, fish, salads. Do I have a preference? No, not really. If pressed, I'd go with Bonefish. I have no idea what I'd like when we're sitting there, but I think more choices is better than less." I can't say I disagree.

"Then Bonefish it is. You say you found them online. I'll do the same and get the address and directions." I took a chance. "Do you normally eat breakfast?" There was a pause.

"Yesssss, but I'm not sure I understand."

"Shall I call you or nudge you?" Gorgeous laughter rolled through the phone lines.

"'Sneakers.' I love it. A woman with a sense of humor! My god, that movie has to be 20 years old, maybe more."

"My mother took me to see it when I was in high..." Raucous laughter interrupted me.

"That's hysterical - when you were in high school. Oh my god that's so funny. I was born in 1960 and I'm pretty sure you're right around that time somewhere."

"Yeah, I am actually -- 29 comes around again next May. I've done my best to destroy all evidence of when I was born." She's pretty cute, Kara. You better hurry home! Who am I kidding!!!

"The only question is do we do the deed before or after turkey day? We don't have school the day before Thanksgiving if that works for you. You may be cooking -- if you are then we do this after."

I was so self-absorbed with my stuff I completely forgot to spend even a moment thinking about Thanksgiving. I'm kind of surprised none of my kids have called to inquire what the plan is -- maybe that's an indication of what the plan is.

"Becky, I plead guilty to being a dope. I've been so wrapped up with... um, things, that I haven't really made much of a plan. Nor have I talked to my kids about what they're going to do. I suppose my youngest will be here but I have to ask. I'm sorry if that messes you up."

"Don't be silly. We have time. Why don't you call around, find out what's going on, and call me back. There's no rush. Call tomorrow night or whenever." A few moments of silence followed. "Still nothing from... whoever she is?"

"Kara -- her name is Kara, Becky. I should have told you earlier." I shrugged. "And no, there hasn't been anything. The truth is I haven't called her either. It's probably a combination of scared and stubborn."

"Okay, that's understandable. You'll call me and we'll have our dinner. I promise not to pry, Lissy. This will be about two women looking for a good meal, good company and a fun night."

I like her. It's pretty hard not to. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But I was smiling!

"I hope I can hold up the being good company part. How about we go dutch, Becky? That seems fair for a first date."

"Absolutely; I agree one hundred per cent."

"So, you've upgraded my expectations from a Starbucks to dinner at a place called Bonefish. That's pretty special." She had been laughing as I said what I had.

"Yeah, Lissy, you're pretty special too. Will I hear from you tomorrow?"

"You betcha. I'm sorry I was such a space cadet about the kids. On the other hand, it's made me focus on Thanksgiving which, truth be told, I should have done earlier anyway. I'll call tomorrow one way or the other."

"Sounds like a plan. I'll say goodnight, then. I've enjoyed talking to you."

"Yeah, thanks, Becky; same goes for me. Night, night; don't let the bed bugs bite."

I closed the phone and smacked myself on the forehead. I'm such a dunderhead. How in the world have I let myself get so wrapped up in my head that I've forgotten about Thanksgiving? I could only shake my head.

I'll skip the details on the phone calls to my kids. Bottom line: Ian and Jenna would be staying up north. His parents were going to spend a few days. Good for them. JR and Andi were going to her parents for a family gathering. Rachel was relieved I called. June's Mom wanted her to come home. June could use the excuse that I'd invited them to dinner as a reason not to go where she didn't want to go. I thought maybe I'd talk to her about that. I admit it bugged me a little bit that she didn't make the effort. And I admit I couldn't pretend to know all the details about why she felt like she did.

I sat in the steaming hot tub after closing up the first floor for the night.

Among the intimacies that Kara and I enjoyed was shaving each other. Not our legs either; remember that bench? One would sit on the floor, the other on the bench. Shaving was easier, more intimate, and the opportunities for hijinks were nearly endless. And that doesn't even begin to detail the testing to make sure there were no stragglers on a nice, smooth kitty. I shivered as I remembered.

Thinking about that somehow led me to wonder about Becky. What do I do? One part of me wanted to pitch it all and find out if there was any chance that she could be more than a casual acquaintance. Another part of me wanted... no, was desperate to stay the course and see how things played out with Kara.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

I'm alone in the bathtub. Why the hell do you have to butt into my private time?

What part of 'I'm your conscience' do you not understand?

Fine. I can't do anything about that. What the fuck do you want?

Language!

Stop it; just stop it. I'm way too old to get yelled at about my language.

Whatever. Why are you being such a baby? You need to call her.

I started to cry.

Stop that! Crying solves nothing. Answer me!

I cried hot, bitter tears. Alone, in a bath tub, in my house, I cried for the woman I love.

(Sniffle.) Okay, if you love her enough to cry like this nearly 3 months later, why the fuck don't you call her?

Language!

Why did I take this job? I could be Pink's conscience. Think of how much fun...

I started laughing. My conscience is complaining about... oh dear god!! Kara looked at me funny when I asked her if her kitty talks to her like mine does. How on earth do I tell anyone that my conscience wants to resign and look for someone else? Oh wait!! It's the potato chips. It has to be!! They must contain some mind altering chemicals. Hmm, I think I could use some mind altering. Hee hee. I took a healthy sip of my wine, stared at the glass, hesitated, and took another.

Kitty and my legs were both clean shaven. I made sure to use plenty of lotion after I toweled myself dry. I looked in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. I looked a bunch better. I wasn't real sure why and I wasn't really in the mood to explore.

I have absolutely no idea why I brushed my hair 100 times. I know all about the old saying. I'm old. My hair isn't all that long, but I did go slowly at first then picked up speed a little bit when any chance of a tangle was gone. I smiled at myself in the mirror. Yes, it included me sticking out my tongue. So what if I'm silly? It hurts no one.

Okay, I may have pretended I was the subject of a photo shoot -- not that 56 year old mothers of three are... well, you know. Silly stuff -- I had a hand on a hip, one foot on top of the other. Then I made pouty lips while leaning back with my pelvis thrust forward. In another one I put a foot on the toilet and both hands behind my head. I turned my back to the mirror and tried to look sexy over my shoulder. I finally collapsed in a heap of giggles, nearly breathless. And the tears started -- yes, again.

I can pretend all I want but I miss her. I miss her with every damn cell in my body. And I honest to god don't know that we can ever be together again as much as I want her... us... oh god!!

I didn't bother looking in the mirror. It's not pretty when I'm crying or just afterward. I hung up the towel, turned off the light, and headed to bed. Bed... our bed. Alone again -- naturally. Remember that song? I have no idea when it was popular. I remember hating it -- thinking it was desolate and icky. I can't tell you why my mind dredged up that memory at this moment in time. That bitch of a conscience of mine is probably responsible. I sighed.

I love you, Kara. I hope you're well; I hope you're safe. I miss you. My chin buckled. Please come home, lover.

***

I felt you against me, soft, warm, perfect -- mine! I wondered for a blink of a second how you got here. That you were in our bed made all of the rest not even close to relevant. I smiled, wiggled my butt, and begged for sleep to take me.

It seemed you had other ideas. Your fingers and lips were insistent. I purred deep in my throat and put my right arm behind your head. Your hand slithered from my breast, teasing me. I waited for your warm breath in my ear -- but there were no words spoken. Totally okay, lover. The feel of you, your touch, your mouth on my neck -- god, it's so good.

Fingers continued their journey over familiar terrain. I tried to turn to my back but you used your hip to keep me on my side. I sighed. Those fingers did the most glorious things to hills and valleys that had missed your touch. I knew where you were headed but waited, as patiently as I could, for you to slip past the crest of my hip.

I pivoted slightly, opened my legs as wide as I could, and gave you what I knew you wanted... what I so desperately wanted. I shivered as your fingers reached your prize. I cried out as you circled my clit lightly, dragging a finger nail slowly north to south, then circling around and around.

"Kara, lover, please... take me. Fuck me with those glorious fingers." I felt your smile; you nodded. You bathed me in kisses as your hips pushed against my ass. Your fingers teased me, doing what they knew to do to a body they knew all too well. I moaned as a need I hadn't known since late August burned deep in my core. It exploded like a starburst as your fingers pushed into me. I bucked as I shivered, helpless, thankful, in your grasp, yours -- again.




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 02



"Please don't leave me, lover. Don't let this... this thing, be the end of us." You laughed; a cold, dead laugh. Just that quickly it left me. My eyes fluttered open in the next instant. My body trembled as the last of the orgasm screamed through me. I was confused, somewhat satisfied, and desperately unhappy.

I blinked. I felt my heart slow. I wondered just how much was real and how much was imagined. The familiar flush was all too real as was my heart rate. If asked I would have sworn that I heard your words, felt your touch, and all the rest. How? How much does our conscience -- or is it our subconscious -- control? Kara? Becky?? Bette?? Bette!!!!

I sat up, shaking. What would possess me to say that name? Good god!! I looked at the clock -- 12:45 am. Geez, it can't have been more than an hour. I shook my head. Why on earth did all that feel so real? Was my body trying to tell me something? God forbid -- was my conscience? Becky is super cute. No, I don't know much about her yet. She's pretty, funny... sigh. She's not Bette. What the fuck! I meant to say she's not Kara. How did that bitch worm her way in here? Worm -- that's such a perfect definition, too. I sighed, shook my head, and closed my eyes.

** November 24th **

Lissy

The week was generally quiet. I would like to report that I had gone to work out every day since last Sunday. Once I had left work, the train would get me from downtown to my station in less than 30 minutes. Next was a 15 minute drive to the club. A workout took about an hour. I'd get home, shower, have dinner and be able to relax by around 7:30.

Why do I bring all that detail up now? 7:30 meant I could read for a couple of hours, or watch TV on Tuesdays, before heading to bed. That may not seem like a big deal to you. The damn house was empty; except for the -- oh you know.

I wrote long emails to Kara that I never sent. Okay; honest hour requires that I tell you I saved them on my computer.

Sunday dinner had been couple hours of joyous relief. June received word about an offer of full time employment that would begin just after the start of the year.

"It seems stupid Mom, but December 30th and 31st are a Monday and Tuesday. They'll start me on January 6th, even though I'll have been working since the 30th." It made absolutely no sense to me either.

"I don't understand, June. Are you going to intern on the 30th and 31st and get paid for... Thursday and Friday?" I had to turn and look at the calendar."

"Yes, that's the plan apparently." She shrugged. "I guess they don't want me on the payroll for 2013." Whatever.

They asked if I wanted help cooking.

"We'll come home after work Wednesday and spend the night if that's okay." I smiled.

"Of course it is. We'll figure out something to do."

"Strip poker?" We all laughed at June's silly suggestion. Warning lights went off in my head. She was enough of a scamp that I wouldn't put it past her to do something silly.

"We can go shopping Friday!" Rachel looked at me expectantly. "It'll be great, Mom. I'll be with you when you buy me all my Christmas presents." I'm pretty sure I paled. June laughed.

"Baby, I think you just aged your Mom by a few years."

"Oh don't be silly. You'll be with us; she can buy your Christmas presents too." I'm so not doing this.

They both looked at me expectantly. I looked from one to the other.

"Okay." My blondie jumped on my lap after the few steps from the couch to the wing chair; she kissed the stuffins outta me. I know -- it's squeezed the stuffins outta me. She did that too. "Maybe you can give me some ideas for your brother and sister." She snorted.

"Lumps of coal." June laughed. "Oh wait -- I get to help pick out stuff for the babies. Oh, this will be so much fun!!" 

She jumped up off my lap and dove on to her honey's. They kissed. Then my kid lay on her back, her head in her honey's lap. I swallowed the boulder in my throat. Know why? No, it wasn't so much for Kara. It was my little girl. I have no doubt they act like this just about every day. I'd seen them do it when they were here. And there weren't all that many times they'd done it since... August. Yeah, it was all about Kara. I'm sure you're not surprised.

"Did you and Becky come up with a date for your date yet?" I giggled; it was cute.

"You two told me you have to work Saturday and Sunday after the holiday so we decided to have dinner on Saturday."

"Good for you." Yeah, it's just fabulous. "What, Mom; why the long face?" My kid looked at her kid. "It's Kara isn't it?" I think all three of us shook our heads. Rach sat up; June held her hand. "It's not fair; not fair to you and not fair to Becky." I know, honey. "She's nice; she called you again after that first coffee thing. I... why... no... if you can't bring yourself to call Kara, whatever the reason, why won't you at least make an attempt to see if Becky could be someone you might like... um... to... whatever." I smiled, knowing why my kid hesitated.

"She was part of my life for so long it feels like I'm missing a limb." I shrugged. I have to tell someone. "It's so much more than the sex -- but god almighty I miss that!" I saw June look at my kid who, to her credit, didn't even blink.

"What's holding you back; why won't you call?" I felt my neck tighten.

"She hasn't either ya know." They both nodded.

"Yeah, Mom," June said. "We do know. Other than fear and... I don't know -- shame... do you have any idea why?"

I sat and thought. The computer whirred. The usual suspects were churned and spit out. I shook my head in frustration. "You'd think that, with all the time we spent together, as joined at... oh god." I stopped and took a breath. "The problem is I think I know. But after three months of wondering why she hasn't called, I have no idea what's going on in that blonde head of hers. It worries me and it makes me sad -- very sad. It's very depressing."

** November 29th **

Lissy

Thanksgiving was loads of fun. Wednesday night was pretty quiet. The girls were dragging after a busy and late work night and begged off coming to the house. I quickly agreed. They showed up full of energy not long after noon. God love youthful energy. Each of them sported shiny eyes and I couldn't help but wonder. I know you know what I mean.

By request, dinner was ham, yellow turnip, and wild rice. The last two were something of a family tradition passed down from my Mom's family. The damn turnips are a pain in the ass to cut but so worth it. JR had asked me to save some of both. He called early Friday morning to ask when he could pick up his leftovers.

"I'm going shopping with Rach and June. I have no clue when we'll be home."

"Could you leave the door to the house from the garage open?" Are you nuts!

"No, honey, especially today. There aren't that many who are working, which means there won't be very many home, today being Black Friday and all. I don't want to leave the house that unattended." He sighed.

"Okay. When are they going home?" I giggled.

"Your sister and June have to work tomorrow. Call me when you have time. I'll do what I can to give you your bounty IF it fits around my workout schedule."

"The brat told me you've been doing more of that lately. Good for you. I like my Mom bein... um, never mind."

I giggled. I'd have paid good money to see my son blush as he nearly said his mother was a MILF!!

The three of us had a gigantic blast shopping. Old Orchard has too many stores to catalogue -- even for this tale of mine. Let the record show -- I spent way too much and was happy to do so. It's not like I have money to burn. But I have enough of a cushion that the excess wasn't going to cut into my lifestyle. Especially my current lifestyle -- you know, the one that doesn't include... her.

I vowed Friday night, after the kids had gone back to the city and I was in bed, that I would have a good time with Becky Saturday night. And I meant it. I fell asleep with my cell phone in my hand between my legs. I'm such a mess!

Oh yeah, I did remember to give the girls pictures of Kara and asked that they get to Shade - as she had requested.

** November 30th **

Lissy

Becky looked absolutely beautiful Saturday. Her hair was a little longer than it had been last time, but since it was late November that made a little sense. She'd combed it out and let it fall easily a bit past her shoulders. I liked it.

The restaurant was great and a pain in the ass. We... no... Becky had made a reservation. We were seated nearly a half hour after we were supposed to be. I wasn't happy. I know -- I need to work on that.

Dinner was dinner. We split the Bang Bang shrimp and Singapore Calamari. We did the same with dinner. Becky chose the boneless pork chop. I ordered the rainbow trout. Each of us had a side -- herbed jasmine rice for her; steamed veggie medley for me.

We giggled about how much was left over and who would take what where.

I'm easy. She could have whatever she wanted of leftovers... if!

The evening was fabulous. It was dark and damn cold when we left and headed to the parking lot.

"Would it be okay if I kissed you, Lissy?" She didn't need to ask; it had been on my mind most of the night. I smiled.

"I'd like that a lot!" 

She bent and kissed me. Her arms went around my shoulders -- she was so much taller than I was it probably felt awkward to put her hands on my waist. 

My god she kisses good! Really, really good!! Melt in your mouth good!! Lost in her kiss good -- just like Kara.

Holy crap; talk about your buzz kill!! That name, when kissing another woman, is exactly that!!

She must have felt it too cuz she pulled away. I felt terrible.

"I'm so sorry, Becky. She still has a hold on me." I hadn't opened my eyes yet; I didn't want to see what was in hers.

She nodded. "Lissy, there was risk in calling you and meeting you. I knew you were getting over someone, so let's put that off to the side for a moment." Put HER off to the side? No, stop, she's right.

I smiled and said, "I had a second there when I was angry. But there's no getting around it. You're right, I am getting over Kara." I shivered. "It's too damn cold. Let's sit in my car with the heater on and talk for a bit."

We did. Becky offered to go first. She wanted to finish her thought.

"There were risks. You getting over Kara is one. The other is that I'd be interested in you and you wouldn't want or be able to reciprocate." She looked out the window before continuing. "You're in much better spirits tonight than you were last month." She smiled beautifully. "I know... no, I don't know. I'm going to guess you have a ways to go until you get over Kara. She was right and I told her so.

"That's true. I don't have a clue. Nor do I know what I'd do if she showed up on my doorstep tomorrow. It's miserable."

"To be completely honest, I thought long and hard about calling you again. But it was so god awful that I knew it couldn't be that bad again." I had to laugh.

"I'm going to take a wild stab here and ask if that means you enjoyed tonight." It was Becky's turn to laugh.

"Yeah I did, Lissy. In fact, I'd like to try that kiss again." She did. It was more than the quick brush the first time. Soft lips pressed to mine. I parted mine this time and it was good; very good.

"That was nice." I took a deep breath. "I guess you'll have some major time off over Christmas." She nodded. "I don't want to make promises I don't think I can keep. I'd like to see you again. Can we wait a couple of weeks, see how things shake out. Maybe talk on the phone." I was torn. It's totally not fair to keep Becky in suspense but we're both honest about what's going on.

"Yeah, that sounds perfect. Listen, I've got a long drive home and it's getting late. I'd better be going." She was just about to get out of the car when she stopped and turned around. Her head was down as if she was thinking.

She looked at me and said, "I wasn't far into my teens when I came out to my parents." Even in the somewhat dim light of the parking lot I could see pain on her pretty face. "My Mom came from money; big, old money. She told my grandpa. After dinner that Christmas he pulled me aside. He told me, 'Becky, all of my grandkids are going to get a slice of the pie. But I can not, in conscience, give money to someone who goes against what my wife and I hold sacred. If you continue in this wicked, immoral lifestyle I'll have no choice but to cut you off -- disinherit you.'" She looked at me.

"Trust me, Lissy. What I know now is that what he would have given me would have meant I might not have worked a day in my life. Whether that's good or bad isn't the point. The point is -- why would I trade me for money? I do okay as a high school coach and teacher. Not great. But I have my dignity. I didn't sell my soul, or myself, for a buck. I didn't -- even for several million of them." There was a fierce look of pride in her blue eyes. And I liked what I saw.

I kissed her. I hadn't kissed a woman like I kissed her since Kara. I liked it -- the kiss.

"I like that you did what you did, Becky. I admire your courage and your principles. This has been wonderful; thank you very much. I think it's best for both of us that I head home too." I smiled and kissed her again. Oh gawd!

** December 12th **

Lissy

My cell phone rang as I was having lunch. I paled when I saw the call was from Shade.

"Is she okay, Shade?" Silence. Oh god!

In her usual quiet voice she said, "Hello, Lissy. I can understand your question. I think I can answer your question with a qualified yes." I started to interrupt. "Before you interrupt, may I tell you why I'm calling?" I shook my head and sighed.

"Yes, please do."

"I'm sorry, Lissy. I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm calling to ask you to dinner. I'm not comfortable detailing what I've learned on the phone."

"Tonight is fine. I don't have any plans and I'd cancel them if I did."

"I suspected as much. I took that into account before I called. I had Destiny reschedule an appointment for tonight. I don't want to make this appear too urgent." 

"Shade, please. Anything to do with Kara is urgent in my mind. Just tell me where and when. I'm sorry. Please."

"Your urgency is understandable. You didn't drive today did you?" How the hell did she know that?

"Uh, no, I didn't. I had planned to go... never mind."

"Yes, you've been a regular at your health club for almost a month now. If I'm correct, you go straight from work when you drive. But it's just as easy to take the train." My head was spinning. Has she been following me? No, she owns a business. What on earth.

"Please don't concern yourself with how I know your routine. That's part of why I'd like to meet for dinner. There's a restaurant on Halsted Street that I'd like you to come to." She gave me the name and address. "There's a private room that is used for small gatherings. If you ask for the hostess, Connie, she'll take you to it. Destiny and I dine there often." 

When I didn't say anything she continued. 

"I'm looking forward to seeing you again, Lissy," she said. "Though I wish the circumstances for it were different. Destiny sends her best regards." 

My head was spinning. I had to believe she would have told me if something was really wrong, but I couldn't be sure.

"Did you give me a time, Shade? I've been trying not to eat the phone with frustration and worry." She laughed.

"I'm sorry. I don't think I did, Lissy. Is 6pm too early for you?" I shook my head.

"Not at all. I'll see you at 6 sharp. Thanks for calling. Say hi to your... to Destiny for me."

As you can probably imagine, the rest of the day was a waste of time as far as work goes. I took a cab from work to the address Shade gave me.

She had given me a very general description of Connie: pretty, average height, long dark hair, and green eyes. I saw her looking at me; Shade must have given her an idea of what I look like. Pretty was an understatement. A radiant smile reached her eyes as I approached.

"You must be Lissy," she said as we shook hands. "Shade gave me an idea of what you look like. She didn't mention how lovely you are." I mumbled some sort of thanks. "Please follow me." 

She led me through the restaurant, through a door, and down a short corridor. A quick knock on a door, then we entered. Shade was rising from her chair at the single table in a rather small room. 

"Thank you, Connie," was followed a quick kiss on the lips. Interesting. "Would you care for a cocktail, Lissy?"

"I normally drink wine, but I'd think I'd like something with vodka in it." I looked at Connie. "How about you surprise me?" Surprise flashed in her eyes followed by a slow smile. Is she flirting with me? We've just met.

"Thank you, Connie. That will be all for now."

"May I bring your salads with Lissy's drink, Shade?"

"That would be fine."

Connie nodded and left.

"She's a bit of a flirt, Lissy. I hope you didn't take offense." I smiled.

"You severely undersold how lovely she is." I needed to change the subject.

"Was I correct in assuming you're tailing me or having me tailed?"

Small hands smoothed an imaginary wrinkle on the gleaming white tablecloth.

Shade's voice was quiet and matter of fact as she said, "Yes. It's not all the time. I don't believe that Kara would do you any harm." I lowered my eyes, not believing what I was hearing.

"Lissy?" I looked up again. "It's more about keeping track of Kara than it is you." I nodded.

"Is she okay? You still haven't answered my question from earlier?" 

As I spoke, there was a knock on the door. Connie entered with a small tray. Her eyes were flat as she put my drink in front of me, retrieved two small plates and put them in front of each of us.

"Your drink is called a Firefly. It's vodka, grenadine and grapefruit juice. I hope you like it." She looked at Shade.

"If you'd give us at least 20 minutes, Connie, that should be more than enough." Connie smiled, turned, and left again.

"I hope you don't mind. I ordered dinner for both of us. We know the staff quite well, including which of their dishes are better than others." I couldn't care less. I wanted to know about my... know about Kara.

I took a sip of my drink. Damn! This is good!

Shade seemed to sense I wanted to continue.

"It seems she's fine. She's still living with her friends Barb and Carole. She goes to work every day, though sometimes she does go in late. I haven't been told that it's caused any problems with her superiors."

I was getting antsy.

"You still haven't told me why you called me and what you thought was so urgent that couldn't be shared on the phone."

I needed to relax. I took a couple bites of my salad.

"Did you have occasion to run into Bette around Halloween?" My jaw dropped. 

What have I gotten myself into with this woman? What on earth is she doing tracking me? Tracking Kara? And why?

"As a matter of fact, yes. I wasn't very happy when she suddenly appeared at my table." A thunderclap burst in my thick skull. I felt myself shiver. I looked; Shade sat, watching me impassively. "Kara? Are you telling me Kara was there and... oh my god no! Kara... she might think that I was... Bette! Is that what you're trying to tell me, Shade?" 

All I got in response was a slight up and down motion of her head.

"No, that's not good enough. There has to be more, Shade," I said. I could feel a bubble of uneasiness growing in my stomach. "I have to know. Is she in trouble? What's going on, dammit? You asked me to meet you for dinner." I felt myself about to tip into hysterics. 

Hey genius, chill. She asked you here. How about you let her talk! 

Someone remind me to put in a request for a new conscience ASAP.




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 02



We're stuck with each other, you jerk. Do what I told you. Believe it or not, I have your best interest at heart.

I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, Shade. It's been far too long since we've gone our separate ways, but Kara is still very important to me. I need to listen to whatever it is you have to tell me."

"I understand," she said in a quiet voice. "It seems that Kara's behavior has grown more erratic since then. That includes her work. There are more unexcused absences, coming in late. People she worked with -- specifically, her superiors, have noticed her shoddy appearance and work." Worked with?

"Shade, you said worked with. Does she still have a job?" My blood ran cold when she simply looked at me.

"When?"

"Her employment was terminated as of the end of November. Just before Thanksgiving to be specific." She smiled; a gesture, I thought, designed to comfort me. "She's eligible for COBRA health insurance but she does have to pay for it." 

I couldn't let myself go there yet. There was too much more I had to uncover; get explanations to -- for.

A knock at the door came, followed by Connie, who brought a rolling cart. Not a word was spoken as she cleared our barely eaten salad dishes and replaced them with our entrees. She uncorked a bottle of red wine, poured me a glass, and put the bottle back on the cart.

"Will there be anything else, Shade?" 

Turning to me, Shade asked, "Would you prefer that Connie leave the bottle?" I nodded.

"I don't know how much I'll have but yes. That would be fine, thank you."

Connie's eyes had never left mine. Shade seemed to know that this lovely temptress was a flirt. And there was no doubt that Connie deferred completely to her. In fact, Shade told me Connie was the hostess at this place. It struck me as odd that she would be our server; that couldn't be part of her regular duties. Interesting, but I had bigger fish to fry.

After the door closed, I said, "Shade, you've given me some hints and a few facts. But it feels like you're keeping things from me. Part of me thinks you want to see how I react to what you're telling me. Part of me thinks you're hesitant to tell me all that you know. More importantly, I have a feeling that you have thoughts about things that haven't happened yet."

The smile was thin as she replied, "Very good, Lissy. Let me deal with the last of what you said first." Neither of us had touched our food. "I believe that Kara's stalking has changed. It's likely that she had been following you just to keep eyes on you. Since Halloween, I believe she's tracking you to find Bette."

I had mixed emotions about what I'd heard. I know I smiled. It didn't surprise me in the least that Kara would look for Bette if she thought she saw us on what she must have thought was a date. And it scared me half to death. I didn't know what to make of it. Had Kara gone so far off the ranch she would contemplate doing some sort of harm to Bette. And what kind of resources did Kara have -- financially and otherwise? I better just listen. Shade continued.

"If Kara knows that she doesn't have a job anymore she may increase her efforts to track Bette." She cocked her head and said, "Did you know Bette has closed her practice? Do you know anything about that?" I couldn't hide my smile.

"Let's just say that I hinted at a couple of things, Shade. But let's get back to your comment about Kara. I saw Bette at the end of October. You said she... Kara... lost her job at the end of November. I know nothing about Bette and her practice, nor do I care. She's not fit to be a counselor to anyone!" Shade nodded.

"I thought that might be your response. It's not clear whether Bette closing her practice was a direct result of..." She hesitated. "A direct result of something you said or might have said. In any event, we think... it seems likely that Kara is having a harder time tracking her than she did before." Dark brown eyes kept a level gaze on me.

"Kara knows where you live, Lissy."

"Well of course she does. She's been there hundreds of times since our relationship began to get serious."

"Have you noticed anything unusual with or about your house?" I tried, frantically, to search through my memory bank.

I shook my head. "I can't think of anything. If she was there, I'm positive I would know. Her scent -- shampoo and the like." I thought for a moment. "Come to think of it, I got the oddest feeling a couple of Sundays ago. I came in the house and was immediately struck at how strong her presence felt. I'm positive she had been there the day before. It's not likely she was there when I was -- it was so strong I went from room to room, checking to see if in fact she was there."

Just as I finished speaking my phone rang. Of all the things -- it was Barb. Barb, who I need to talk to like I need a hole in my head. Well, except she is my only link to Kara.

"Hi Barb. I'm out to dinner with a friend. What's up?"

"Hi Lissy, I'll be brief then. Kara hasn't been here much since the beginning of December." Concerned, I glanced at Shade. "Carole's not very torn up about it but I'm worried. I stopped by the condo a couple times last weekend but no one answered." She paused before adding, "I considered that she might be with you. Are you having dinner with her?"

I needed a deep breath before saying, "No, I'm not." I squirmed in my chair. "I still haven't seen nor heard from her." I need to get off the phone and talk to Shade. "Barb, I need to go. Would you and Carole mind if I call a little later tonight if I need to?"

While I was talking to Barb, Shade had one eye on me and had also started to eat some of her dinner.

"Of course not. Carole's not heartless. It got tiresome to have Kara lying around essentially doing nothing other than going to work. Oh, that's the other thing I wanted to tell you. She hasn't been answering her cell phone either."  Fuck!

"Barb, let me say goodbye. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you calling. I'm going to try to find out more about all this. I'll call if I have any questions." The call ended. I took a sip of wine -- a big one.

"How bad is it, Lissy?" I twirled the glass on the table and shook my head. What are you doing, blondie? What's going on in that head of yours? I felt tears coming and made no effort to stop them. 

"Maybe you'd like to spend the night at the condo..." I snapped my head around. "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant at my condo. Spend the night with Destiny and me." I took another sip of wine and poured another glass.

"Barb Romano was a love interest and is a friend of Kara's. That was where she'd been staying." I shook my head. "I probably told you that already." Shade smiled. "Barb is concerned. Kara hasn't been around since the beginning of the month. That's not all. She went to Kara's condo last weekend and no one was there." Shade's mouth became a thin line. "She also mentioned that Kara hasn't been answering her cell phone."

It dawned on me that I'd better start on my food. My tummy was telling me I should and there was the little matter of the wine I'd been drinking.

Her voice soft, Shade said, "The Beef Wellington is very good here." Divine is more like it. I have to resist the urge to wolf it down.

The next few minutes were filled with a heavy silence as we each took small bites of our dinner. My mind was reeling with what I'd heard so far. I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in Shade's mind. I shook my head and tried to hold back the tears that kept threatening to burst through the levee.

I saw Shade's hand move in my peripheral vision and felt it cover mine. 

"You're worried, aren't you?" I nodded. The levee broke. I felt myself being tugged ever so gently and let my head lay on a tiny shoulder as I cried.

"We'll bring her home safely, Lissy. I don't have everything I need yet but I think I'm pretty close. I'm still marshaling resources; not all of my chips have been played. Alexis is not held in high regard in the circles she's on the fringes of. I've put the word out -- all of her contacts will be on the alert for any sort of news of any kind." Her soft voice was soothing as she said, "We'll find her and we'll bring her home." A pause, and she added, "It's not fun to add but I have to. If that's what you want."

I lifted from her shoulder, looked at her and said, "Yeah, I do." I smiled. "The weekend when it all fell apart for us, Kara asked me if I was serious about getting married." I shrugged. "There's a lot of work that needs to be done to rebuild trust. It won't be easy but she sure in the hell is worth it." I managed what I hoped what a passable smile.

Shade returned it and said, "If you're hungry we can continue to eat this delicious meal. If you're not I'll get you home."

"It's delicious, Shade, and my body is telling me it's hungry. I have to admit I don't have much of an appetite tonight." I sighed. "And I'm in no big hurry to get home to that damn empty house." I shook my head as I picked up my fork. "I never dreamed in August I'd be facing the holidays without Kara by my side. Never." I washed down a couple bites of food with wine. I reached for the bottle and poured what was left in my glass.

After knocking, Connie came in. "Shade, there's a call for you." Shade smiled at me, got up, and headed out the door. "Lissy, how are the two of you doing with dinner? Is everything all right?" God she's cute!

"Yes, Connie, it's beyond all right; it's wonderful. I'm sorry. Shade and I were pretty busy talking and I'm afraid neither of us have been doing this meal justice. Your wine selection was perfect, by the way." She smiled oh so beautifully.

"It's a very nice Pinot Noir from Willamette Valley in Oregon. It's reasonably priced and one of our most requested wines." It's awful of me to think this, especially after the way I carried on about Kara a moment ago. This woman could read the minutes of a school board meeting and I'd never hear anything but the melody of her voice.

As Connie opened the door to leave Shade was reaching for the door knob. She held the door for Shade, who smiled and came back to the table. There wasn't anything on her face that gave me a hint what the call might have been about.

She attacked her dinner and I followed suit. 

"What plans for Christmas do you and your family have, Lissy?"

"My oldest and her husband live in Minnesota. It's their first Christmas in their new home. They'll stay there. They've asked me to come the weekend between Christmas and New Years and stay through the first. Rachel and June, her girlfriend, will be joined by JR, my son, his wife, and their not quite one year old son on Christmas. What about you?"

Shade smiled. "Our office Christmas party is this Saturday. It's going to be in this very room in fact."

"Oh really?" I couldn't resist a tease. "Is that why we have this fabulous bottle of wine tonight? Oh my god, Shade. I'm such a boor. I didn't save any for another glass for you." She waved me off as I continued. "I'm so sorry!"

"It's obvious you enjoy wine, Lissy. I'm glad you finished it if you're enjoying it that much. Anyway, this party has become a nice tradition for my business. We draw names and exchange grab bag presents. Dinner is always very good and there's dancing afterward. We encourage all the women to bring their spouse or significant other."

"It sounds like a great night with your staff." I looked down at my half eaten dinner. "I'm not sure how merry I'm going to be this Christmas." After a half hearted attempt at a smile, I said, "Are you ready to go?" She smiled.

We hadn't had a significant snowfall for a couple of weeks so the roads were dry and the drive home went quickly.

"Do you like it out here, Lissy?" 

We'd been talking off and on during the drive but had hit a lull. Shade's question roused me from my thoughts.

I nodded. "We -- Dylan and I, bought the house when I was pregnant with Rachel. I didn't want to burden Jenna with having a much younger sister share a bedroom. Some people may think I was being overly protective, but it just felt like the right thing to do for both of them." I looked out the window and continued. "I had actually put the house on the market when Kara and I agreed to live together." I sighed. "We were going to look for a place in the city -- maybe downtown. Those plans have changed, obviously."

"Do you let yourself think about how you'll patch things up with her?" Only every second I'm awake every damn day.

"Yes," I said softly. "There are so many things to take into consideration. And there's Kara's side of things as well. Being apart from each other for so long probably increases the odds we won't be able to put things back the way they were." I cleared my throat to get rid of the boulder and said, "There's also the small matter of whether 'the way we were' was a good place to be; the right place." I shook my head. 

"It's miserable, Shade. Not only have I been a wreck but I've gone back through things and asked myself what was real and what was fantasy." 

"I would hardly think you're alone on that count."

"You're probably right. There was so much about us that was so unbelievably good. Everything seemed to be going so well. I mentioned that Kara had brought up the subject of marriage."

"Yes you did. It sounds like both of you were on a very good relationship path. I feel very badly for you that things fell apart so quickly and catastrophically."

"Wanna hear something really silly? I wish sometimes that she'd never even brought up all the stuff she did." I laughed; a harsh, sharp sound devoid of any humor or joy. "I have to remind myself that it was the best thing for both of us that she did. I mean, what if she had waited. And for how long? Six months? Five years? It wasn't pretty but I actually had to admit to myself that it was best thing for the relationship, not to mention my life, that she told me what she did when she did. Even if the aftermath was god awful."

I gave Shade the instructions to navigate from the main road to the house.

As she drove down side streets, Shade asked, "Is there more that you want to say about that?"

"Yeah, I guess so. You get to play the role of my shrink tonight, Shade. It's good to talk to someone about this. It's the third driveway on the right by the way." 

She pulled the car into the driveway and stopped. I was surprised to see lights on in both the first floor and my bedroom.

"That's odd. I don't remember leaving lights on this morning." I turned to Shade and said, "If we're going to continue talking you might as well come in with me."

"You said something about lights being on. Is that normal?" 

I got out of the car; Shade followed. I answered as we walked to the door.

"It's highly unlikely it was Kara; I don't see her car anywhere. It's possible Rach and June are here. I'll know as soon as we get inside." I opened the front door.

There was no indication anyone was home. Nothing looked out of place and there was no immediate sight that anyone had been here.

"Is there a bathroom on the first floor, Lissy?"

"Yes, it's in the great room. I pointed her in the right direction. "Why don't you give me your coat, Shade? I'll hang it up and go powder my nose as well." 

I did her coat and mine, stopped briefly in the kitchen to see if anything was amiss, and headed upstairs. I didn't get any tingles tipping me that someone was here or had been here. The bedside lamp was on which was a bit odd. It could be switched on and off inside the door and at the bed. The ceiling fan had lights but there were four of them and I didn't usually need that much wattage. Oh well.

I did what I had to in the bathroom and headed back downstairs after washing my hands. 

I stopped on the stairs. Something's not right. I turned and looked. Why is Rachel's bedroom door closed? Once I was at the top of the stairs I opened the bedroom door, listened, turned on the light, scanned the room, turned off the light and went back downstairs.

Shade was sitting on the couch. She smiled warmly at me.

"I'm going to have a glass of wine. Would you care for something to drink?"

"Juice if you have it, Lissy. A glass of wine sounds nice but not when I have to get back to the city."

"Hey, did you call Destiny and tell her you were driving me home?" She smiled.

"The call at the restaurant was from her so yes, that's covered. I really like your home, Lissy. It's cozy and warm, a comforting place to raise a family." There isn't a woman in the world who wouldn't smile at a comment like that!

"Thanks very much, Shade. I'm happy you like it."

"Was anything amiss upstairs? It's not my home but I didn't see anything that looked odd while I waited for you."

"Rachel's bedroom door was closed, but I checked. There wasn't anything unusual."

"What about your home's alarm system?" I paled. I hadn't heard the beeps when we came in.

"It's off. I didn't turn it off either." I got up and checked the door leading to the garage, which was locked. I poured that glass of wine and orange juice for Shade. I handed it to her and sat back down.

"If it was Kara, it appears she's gone." I took a sip of my chardonnay to help push away the emotion I felt.

"You wish she had been here don't you?"

I bolted from the couch. I leaned my head on the front door, out of hearing range, trembling with emotion.

"Why, Kara?" I said in a whisper. "We had such a good thing going. How could you listen to someone who hurt you so badly? Why would you do anything she asked you to do? I know you love me, blondie, but that wasn't what I wanted. And it certainly wasn't the way I would have wanted anyway." I banged my head softly on the door and said, "Please come home, lover. Please! I don't want to spend Christmas alone. God, please bring my Kara home!"

I wiped my eyes and headed back. Shade hadn't moved. She watched as I sat on the couch and reached for my glass.

"I'm sorry. I was overwhelmed and needed to be alone for a bit." After a sip I said, "It's been 3 and half months and it feels like 3 decades. I was married for over 30 years and I didn't hurt like this when my husband died. The love had been gone from our relationship for some time before the accident. I met Kara when Dylan was alive." I shrugged. "Our time together then was nothing like it is... now." Saying the word 'is' took my breath away with the hurt.

"I'm jealous of what you and Kara have, Lissy. Destiny and I are very much in love; we've talked about getting married too. Maybe it's the pain you're in, but the passion in your voice is very moving."

"We were talking in the car about why it would be hard for us to get back together. It's true, but I'll do just about anything to rebuild our relationship, rebuild the trust needed between us." All of a sudden I was bone tired. "Shade, I have to apologize, but all of a sudden I'm completely out of gas. I very much appreciate the dinner invitation, the news you shared with me, and the ride home." We both stood. 

"Here, let me take your glass." I put both glasses on the kitchen counter and came back. I led Shade to the hall closet and helped her into her coat.

"I won't have any trouble getting home, Lissy. I know how to get back to the expressway and I'm good from there."

"You'll let me know if and when you get any more information about where she is and what's going on?"

"Yes of course. And I'll call if I have other questions, too."

"Please thank Destiny for letting me borrow her honey for a night, Shade. I appreciate being able to unburden myself with someone. I can't very easily share this with my kids."

"Bette's a bad egg, Lissy. I recommend you find someone new. You don't know what's going on with Kara either. She may need someone's help." I nodded.




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 03



"Separation Desolation - Chapter 03"

Warning: This chapter in particular gets very, very dark in spots. It may be disturbing to some readers. Please know that it was not done gratuitously. And please be aware that this story is plot driven and sex is not the central focus.

Note 1: The title pretty much describes the tone of this story. For those who are wondering - there is no way I could title the first story Book I without tipping my hand there would be a Book II. 

Note 2: In another fairly radical departure from my norm, Book II has been written in the voices of Lissy and Kara. Kara's parts are not written by me. It's the first time I've done a story with a partner. The other writer (TOW) brought a ton of skill and passion to the effort. Book II is far better for the efforts of TOW. The identity of TOW will be revealed at the end of the story - but let me say it here. Thank you so much!!

It's highly recommended you read Book I in its entirety. I hope you enjoy the chapter. ~ AVL ~

*

** December 14th **

Lissy

I needed some grease, so I stopped at the little coffee shop near the train station after my late Saturday morning workout. Those of you with a dirty mind can just shut up. I'm not talking about bedroom adventures. I giggled again as I typed. Bacon, eggs, wheat toast and coffee was yummy. I'm sure you're surprised I led with bacon.

I had a little bit of a lurch in my tummy when I saw a car in the driveway. I quickly realized it wasn't Kara - which sucked. And that's not to say I wasn't happy to see the girls.

I pulled into the garage, shut off the car, and was greeted by the excited voices of two gorgeous girls, who giggled and talked over each other.

I kissed and hugged them, an arm around each of them.

"So other than we're irresistibly gorgeous and vivacious, why did you want us to come spend time with you, Mumsy?" A fine how-do-you-do!! I decided to lead with the big news.

"Kara called last night." That little gem set off a firestorm of chatter.

"Okay, okay... it wasn't very much and I'm not sure it lasted 5 minutes. She really didn't share too much."

"But she's okay? You had to be happy to hear from her, right?" I nodded.

"In the darkest moments I was concerned she may have died. I may not know where she is or exactly how she's doing, but at least I heard her voice and she heard mine."

"I can't believe you didn't go find her and spend the weekend with her." 

June shook her head and said, "Doing what exactly, Rach? After not hearing from Kara for 3½ weeks... months, sorry, they aren't going to just fall into bed together the first night." Isn't she something!!

We had moved inside; it was December after all.

"Let me make coffee - then we can talk more about it all."

"Don't be silly Mom, you and Rach go sit. I'll make coffee. Rach, take your Mom's coat." 

She did, and threw it on the couch. I laughed. The little snot did it just to tease me.

"Come on you, sit. I want to hear all about it." I kissed her and shook my head.

"Honey, there's not much more to tell. I was serious when I said the call didn't last much past 5 minutes if it went that long." I guess I can add this. "I didn't cry! That's good, right?" June stuck her head out the door.

"That's amazing, Mom. That must have been pretty tough to pull off." I smiled.

"Yeah it was." I shook my head. "I think I bombarded her with questions though, the poor thing. I managed six or seven in one burst. Now that I think about it I'm not sure she answered one of them." I barely remember what they were for some reason.

"How did she sound, Mom?" Rach was smoothing my hair as she talked.

"Truthfully, she sounded a little shaky. She was very apologetic. She told me she knew she hurt me, that she wasn't sure we could put things back together the way they were." I shrugged. "That didn't matter last night. There will come a time a decision has to be made about that and other things. Plus, I'm worried about her losing her job." Son of a bitch.

"What's that about? I thought she worked at a bank like you? What happened?" June had come out of the kitchen to ask.

Why did I let that slip out?

Because you love her, you ditzy blonde.

I'm not blonde, you idiot.

Your idiot; just remember that. Talk to the girls, blondie.

"I'm not sure of all the details, honey." I don't want to tell them about Shade till I know more. "I... Barb called the other night. She mentioned that Kara hadn't been around the condo very much. Plus, when she called Kara at work she found out she wasn't there any longer. That's all I know." That should do the trick.

"Well didn't you ask her about it?" This is getting worse and worse. I shook my head.

"Nope, I wanted to keep the conversation on us just on us, at least for that call. I stayed away from all the other stuff I wanted to ask or talk about. It just didn't feel like the right time." 

I sipped at the coffee June brought me. 

"Besides, I wasn't sure exactly why she called. It was so out of the blue and it wasn't more than a few minutes after Becky called to say hi." The girls looked at each other. Huh? What's up with that look?

"Did she and Elena have a nice Thanksgiving?" I shrugged.

"Honestly, she didn't say and I didn't think to ask. She asked if I'd given any thought to another date. I explained that I was still worried about Kara and didn't think it would be fair to plan something. I also mentioned that your sister invited me to spend New Years with her, Ian, and the baby."

"And I'm just hearing about this now because...?" I smiled.

"Because I love her more than I do you." 

Imagine the sight of her gorgeous face crumpling. Then imagine the sight of June falling off the chair as she howled. Then imagine the glare blondie gave her lover. And imagine me trying to hold my laughter in. Got all that?

"You better know I'm kidding." She made storm clouds. I was so not impressed.

"I can't tell you I hate you cuz you're my Mom. But that was mean."

June had picked herself up off the floor enough to kneel in front of my kid, bring her face down and give her a kiss.

"You are such an adorable idjit. I swear to god that must be why I love you like I do." More storm clouds.

"You both suck." We both laughed. "And you laugh at me! Wonderful. This is so good for my ego." She looked at June with daggers in her eyes. "I'm taking back all the cool stuff I bought you for Christmas and am going to give you nothing but lumps of coal." She stuck out her tongue.

What we needed was a television crew to capture the hilarity of real life! I mean really, right? And god help Rachel if Kara had been there!! She would have joined right in the merriment and teasing. Sigh.

"Really mature, Rach. And you expect me to move in with you full time with an attitude like that?" She said it, covered her mouth, and both of them looked at me. I smiled.

"Well good for you! This is wonderful news. I'm excited. I don't have to be in on every little thing in your lives. When's all this going to happen?" One looked at the other; the alpha spoke.

"January 1st ... no, January 2nd." The change was accompanied by a swat on the thigh from my youngest.

"Yeah, Mom; we found a place not far from where we are now. With June getting a full time paying gig and me doing what I do, we can afford our own apartment. Besides, the dorm needs the space for the incoming semester, so you'll be off the hook for my share of the rent there." Woo hoo, I'm getting a raise of sorts.

"Well regardless of the financial stuff, I'm so happy for both of you. This sounds like a very positive move."

I got up, walked the full 18 inches, bent, and kissed them both.

Blondie asked, "So what are we going to do today?" You are such a pain in my ass, Rachel Marie Stone. And I love you.

"Well, since I didn't know you were actually going to show up until I pulled onto our street, I have no idea whatsoever."

"Would you like more coffee, Mom?" I laughed.

"Thanks, June, that would be great."

Back she came with the pot and carefully filled my cup.

"Okay, so I'm going to finish this and take a bath. You've probably guessed that I was at the gym. You two figure out what you want to do and let me know when I'm finished and dressed."

***

It was the middle of the afternoon when we strolled out of the movie. I asked the girls what they wanted to do.

"Well, we thought maybe we'd have dinner with you and then head back to the city. I hope you don't mind, but it is Saturday and we'd kinda like to party." Ah youth!

"And I couldn't woo you with promises of Yahtzee and hot chocolate?" They both laughed. June stopped and pointed.

"Look! A Victoria's Secret!" Each of them took my hand and we hurry walked toward the store.

"Did you watch the fashion show last Tuesday, Mom?" Rachel asked.

"Um, sure, Joey Heatherton was gorgeous." The girls looked across me at each other.

"Who's Joey Heatherton?" I laughed.

"That's not her name? Probably not. I think Joey is a bit too old to do a VS fashion show."

"Maybe you were thinking of Erin Heatherton. She's tall, insanely thin, and totally cute. She still does a lot for them."

I had no idea who this Erin woman is. But they know and that's fine.

The store seemed to be moderately busy. The shopping center is something of a dud and doesn't have a whole lot of stores that would a big draw. Well, in fairness, I think it was popular once, but it's pretty old compared to a lot of the others in the north suburbs. If it wasn't for the movie and the time of day, I'm not sure we would have stayed.

The youngsters were huddled, giggling, and shopping. I'd be doing the buying. I wandered, mostly looking, but taking a few things off the shelves and racks for myself. I'm of an age and body type that I do NOT buy intimates without trying them on. These hips? My ass? Oh please! My girls are... I'm... never mind. I don't want to go there right now.

I got goose bumps when I tried on the things I brought into my cubicle. It probably won't surprise you who I thought about and why. I tried to stop the images of what she'd be doing. Kitty? You don't even want to know!

I got out of there without spending $100, which I considered something of a success. I got storm clouds and pouts when I suggested that the purchases would be Christmas gifts.

"You already bought all our stuff, Mom. These aren't Christmas presents. This was..." Rach giggled, "Collateral damage from going to the movie." The collateral damage will be the color of your ass when I spank it. I shook my head.

"Well, I tried. A girl can't be faulted for that, right?"

"What did you wind up buying, Mom?" June asked as we climbed in the car.

"Three panties and two bras."

"And a partridge in a pear tree." June and I groaned at Rachel's cute little joke. "You two suck."

June spun her honey up against a blue SUV and kissed her, her hips pressing to blondie's. I was shocked! Wink.

Breathless when the kiss ended, Rachel said, gasping, "Well okay, maybe you don't." That kissing thing happened again.

"May I remind you two rambunctious youngsters that we're in public in a parking lot in a shopping center?"

They responded by taking each others coats off and pawing at those mounds on their chests, whatever they're called. Oh yeah - breasticles. La la la!

I grabbed their coats and headed to my car.

"You two get a room somewhere. I'm going home." Squeals of protest followed as they hustled after me.

"It's cold, Mom, and we were only kidding."

"I know; I had to do something to knock some sense into the two of you."

"Fine! Trust us, we will remember this when Kara comes home after you two patch this mess up." June got right up in my grill, waved her finger in my face, and said, "You two are going to be making all kinds of kissy face or some other shenanigans. We will find a way to repay you for your extremely hostile action today."

Yeah, I was scared. Eyeroll. 

I turned, opened the car door, and got in. The other two followed. It's a good thing, cuz I had put the car in gear and was rolling away from them both as they put their coats on. I heard their curses through the closed windows.

"This isn't funny, Mom. Open the door and let us in the car." I smiled sweetly at my last born.

"I'm telling Jenna and Andi." I laughed. 

Oh shit! I have to make my plane reservations for my trip to Minnesota. Christ on a cracker.

I unlocked the doors and let the foul mouthed twosome into the car. 

"Lucky for the two of you I have to hurry home and make reservations to go see my cute granddaughter."

"How come I'm not going with?" She really is a snot.

"Oh good, you'd go with and leave me without a date on New Years Eve. Um, I assume that's when you're going, Mom."

"Mm hmm."

One 20-something brat made pouty face, looked at her other and said, "You wouldn't schnookums." I stifled a laugh.

"Of course I wouldn't Juney wooney." Anyone have a shovel? It's gettin' deep here!

"I need to find a no tell motel for two of you."

"Mom, just take us home. We won't tell. We're of age and everything." Dammit when one of my own busts me like that!!

I did. In silence, save for the two in the back seat doing whatever. 

I closed the garage door after turning off the engine and got out of the car. I swear I'll be damned if I'd look in the window at the two of them. And I'd be lying through my teeth if I wasn't jealous, especially after... well, you know.

I headed upstairs with one thing in mind. I locked the bedroom door, stripped off my clothes, found a couple of things in my toy... our toy box... and crawled on to... um, the bed.

Do I need to mention how desperately I need a teeth rattler? I mean, really!! Can you feel me?

The clamps were on my nipples, the scarves held my ankles to the bedpost, and the wonderful bitch of a rabbit fucked me and Miss P. We all howled our pleasure and our thanks. The wide screen theater of my mind showed my blondie in charge of everything; my tear ducts let me know they approved the message.

My screams of pleasure when I came may have alerted my child and her honey, but if a Mother can't lead by example what is there in this life to do.

I cried buckets of pleasure and frustration. I was thankful that my body responded this time. Don't be silly, Lissy. It was only a dream; don't assign too much importance to it. My body screamed that it wanted more. My soul cried for my honey.

So many things aren't the same. No, we didn't live together full time, but as the weeks went on we spent more and more time in each other's homes. You spend maybe 25 of 30 days together and you get used to certain things. 3½ months had gone by and the ache was as strong as it was the week after. The anger had dulled, replaced, for the most part, by concern. That was especially true after the out-of-left-field and all-too-short phone call.

I shook my head. I had unhooked my legs and was on my side hugging a pillow. Oh for god's sake, Lissy, you have to get your ass out of bed and make an airline reservation.

You know damn well if Kara was there you might not get out of that bed till Monday.

I shook my head. You really must be me if that's your thought.

You know I am. Command central is buzzing about that orgasm. I think the prevailing sentiment is it's been too long.

It's hard to muster up much enthusiasm for sex, even if it's me doin' the mustering, when Kara's not here.

I know, honey. You have to trust that she's taking care of herself and that when you're together things will work out.

You heard what she said!! I started to cry. She's not sure we'll be able to patch things up. It scares me.

You have airline reservations to make. Quit whining and go take care of business.

Still love me?

No response. Great!

I sighed, shook my head, and got out of bed. After a quick stop at the toilet I washed my hands, put on my robe, and headed downstairs.

The TV was on in the great room, the girls were prone, doing what lovers do. Sleeping. I smiled.

I made the reservations; I was rather surprised I could use my miles on so many flights that time of year. Whatever; I was hardly disappointed. I only had to concern myself with the weather on each leg of the trip. 

I turned around to find two girls wide awake and looking at me with guilty looks on their faces. I smiled.

"So the nap was after?" Blushing ensued.

"Where are we going for dinner, Mom?" I didn't know and didn't care. Kitty was beating a drum for more of what went on earlier - which I'm sure is a huge surprise.

"I'd say Chucky Cheese but you'd both kill me." They looked at each other.

"Actually, pizza sounds really good. Would you mind buying one big enough for us to take some home?" I smiled.

"Of course not!! Rach, any place special you want to go?"

That's how we wound up at Barnaby's. The pizza was outstanding, the beer was crappy, and the wood tables were scarred from decades of kids of all ages carving their initials and more in them. 

"Mom, how long has this place been open?" I shook my head.

"I have absolutely no idea honey. All I know is it's been here for as long as I can remember." I took another piece off the tray, held it in the air, and said, "And it's damn good pizza."

Dinner was great, the company was great, and I would be sad when the dynamic duo left for a fun Saturday night.

Which they did.

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay, Mom?" I nodded.

"You and June have a wonderful weekend together, whatever the plans are." I smiled. "Christmas is nearly upon us and your brother, Andi, the baby and the two of you will be here. It's all good." I kissed her and smiled. "I made my reservations, so that's taken care of."

Goodbyes were said and I waved from the garage door.

I know I've been writing for quite some time now, so I'm assuming you have a pretty good idea of who I am and what I'm about. Can I tell you that, while I miss Kara, there's a part of me that enjoys being alone? I pretty much went from my parent's home, to college, to being married, to being with Kara sort of full time. Am I making any sense? Now, in my mid 50's, I'm experiencing all that there is to being 'single,' with children. It's really confusing.

I want her here with me. And then there are those moments I wonder which 'her' I want. THAT is the biggie, right? I thought I had her pegged; knew everything there was to know about my Kara. And she laid me low, blindsided me big time. And knocked my world as completely off it's axis as a human could.

And I miss her - terribly.

You would too, wouldn't you?

No really! In some ways, this is a journal of my thoughts and actions. You're getting a real life look at a middle aged woman's life with all of its glories and all its heartaches. And let's just ignore the stupid and the failures, shall we?

My mind was whirring. I knew what I wanted to do but I had no clue where Kara was or how to reach her. Um!

I held my breath as the phone rang.

It went to voice mail. I sighed.

"Lover... I... I don't know what to say exactly." Come on brain! Help me out here! "I was so surprised you called yesterday. We hardly talked at all." I felt tears rush up and smiled, hoping that might stifle them. "Please call me again, okay?" I nodded as if she would answer as I asked. "I love you, Kara. No matter what's gone on or is going on - please remember that!" Tears I had tried to hold back stormed the gates. "I better go." I wanted to say more but... shrug.

It was way too early to go to bed. And I wasn't sure if I would sleep - not just now but later. 

Janet, can a girl count on a girl to keep her entertained when there doesn't seem to be much else that can?




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 03



I'm drifting. I know and I'm sorry. It's not much fun reading this without blondie, right? I bet you had gotten as used to us as we had. There's something to be said for writing a 'journal,' recounting my/our story, and making it interesting. Is sex 'the' thing that makes that happen? I suppose to a certain extent it is. If that's true I'm sure I've failed you.

I sighed and shook my head. I'll read for a while and go to bed. Good night everyone. I love you, Kara.

** December 18th **

Kara

"Lissy... Lissy, is that you?" It's so cold, I feel it in my bones. I can't get warm. The blanket I had is gone, or was it a towel? When is the last time I was in the shower? It's been days since I saw Lissy, or anyone. 

Why did she leave me? She said she was going to take me home.

It's obvious.

What's obvious?

You're not that Kara anymore. You're...

I am! 

You're a junkie. You're broken, sick. That's why she left. 

She's right. She is me... oh fuck, I'm crazy. I cry so often, I didn't realize it until the snot began dripping over my lips. If it was even Lissy at all. - GO AWAY! My hands cover my ears. LEAVE ME ALONE! "LISSY!" My throat scratches when I force her name through my lips. Dry and scratchy. I don't remember the last time I drank something or ate. Why won't she come to me? I'm cold... so tired. The bottle is clutched in my hand, I can't let it go. It's the only thing that takes away the pain, the hurt. It's empty... it's been empty. My inner voice needs to get the fuck out. I'm the only one left. Without me, you'd really be alone.

The anger drives me to my feet. I need to find more. She has to keep them in here somewhere. I try to open my eyes but it's too bright. Not the sun. I wish I could feel the sun right now, need its warmth. I stumble in the direction of the night stand, my eyes only slits. Don't open it! Mistress doesn't allow it. Deep breath and I pull the handle to the drawer. My eyes widen at what I see and fill with tears. You were right. - I know. My hand shakes as reach for it, maybe it's not real. It's soft; I pick up the brown wig and reveal a bottle of Lissy's perfume. 

Oh god... Oh god. Why... WHY?! You told me it wasn't her!

Try and breathe, we'll get through this.

NO WE WON'T... Do you realize what this means?

Course I do. She ra-

Don't say it!!  Blinking away hot tears, I focus on the open drawer again. There are several bottles. Most are empty as I pick them up and shake to hear only silence. My head is throbbing... please, please. YES! There aren't many in the bottle but who cares. I try to open it. Deep breath, concentrate. Push and twist... please. The weakness is pressing down, my arms and legs are leaden. The top finally gives, thank god. Mistress says only one, but one isn't enough anymore. I need two or even three. 

Fuck Mistress!

Not right now, please! It's already loud enough in here!

NO! You listen, she made you think she was Lissy and she...

God dammit! I know what happened! I was fucking there!!

You need to get out of here...

Where would I go? How could she love me now? I just need my pills.

The more I take I won't even feel the pain. I want to feel it. Pain makes me feel... without my baby I can't feel unless it hurts. Punish me please. I take two. They try to get stuck in my throat but I get as much spit as I can and swallow hard. Thank you. My baby finds me in my dreams, I need to sleep. Curling into a ball on the concrete, I wait for it to take me.

***

I smile at myself in the mirror. The clamps are tighter than last time and my nipples are red. The throbbing sends tiny shocks of pleasure to my pussy, just as you intended. Your arms circle my waist and our eyes meet in the mirror. That smirk of yours... brat! Voice husky, "Kara, lover, you look..." You bite the inside of your lip, eyes getting cloudy. "Here..." You grab my hand and place it between your legs, "this should say it all." I blush, can't help it. Your pussy is soaked and on fire... mmmm. You bend and bite my neck, followed by wet slow kisses. Two fingers push inside you, we both moan. My head falls back to your shoulder, offering more to you. Teeth grazing... yes baby, please. Your hands gripping my waist as you ride me, my thumb bent so it teases my ass with every thrust. My head is swimming and I have to use my other hand to steady myself on the counter. Your hips are crazed, your moans quickly becoming desperate.

"YES! Fuck me... fuck me harder... BABY!" I'm right there, at the edge. As soon as it hits you, I'm done. The waves come for both of us. We are frantic to keep some kind of rhythm, to push ourselves further into oblivion. The orgasm surges up and down my body, our screams bouncing off the walls. It's primal, wanton... it's us. Throwing my head forward, I force my eyes open and the unbridled desire I witness as our bodies slap together, knuckles white as fingers dig into my flesh, your teeth buried in my neck... OH GOD... I feel it start in my toes and rip through my body. A throaty scream explodes from me as I'm overcome by a tidal wave of pleasure. I'm jerking out of control, grabbing for anything to ground me. Your arms have me, your pussy has my fingers in a vise. 

"Mine!" Your whisper hoarse and demanding. YES baby, I'm so fucking yours. We slide to the floor, unable to hold ourselves up any longer. Wrapped in your arms with my face nuzzled to your neck, we sleep.

***

I wake, cold again, the hard floor digging into my skin. I search for you, but I already know it was a dream. Just like all the ones before, except when 'she' tricked me. Without notice, tears stream down my face, like a dam finally breaking. Sobs wrack my tired body. The want for my baby is consuming me. If I don't get back to her soon, I'm scared I'll be lost.

I have to get up, get out of here. My eyes flutter open slowly, the lights have been dimmed. I take in the entire room, thinking of when and how I got here. A pair of lit sconces in the far corner put off just enough light for me to make out the outlines of Mistress' props and playthings in her dungeon. The smell of metal and leather is strong. Chains hang from the ceiling in the middle of the room and over the king-sized bed at the far end. An entire wall is covered with crops, whips, different sized spreader bars and everything an aspiring sadist would need to bring upon torture to her slaves.

I had come here willingly initially but haven't been allowed to leave or communicate with the outside for, I'm pretty sure, weeks. Time doesn't really exist down here, it all runs together. The pills help with that - oxycodone. They dull the pain, both physically and emotionally. I don't know how I could live without them. 

Mistress telling me to call Lissy was a surprise, but now I know it was just part of the deception. Sometimes I'm not sure if I even called her at all. My eyes have adjusted now, I can see the door. Sitting up with my back to the wall, eyes fixed, I'll wait for my chance.

Not sure how much time went by, I may have dozed for a bit but I become aware again as the door pushes open. Quick as possible, I'm on my feet and headed to the door. Veronica walks through with my dinner tray and I pretend to not pay attention. "Slave, Mistress needs for you to eat. We are going to have a long..." She is standing at my side as that last word came out and I use every ounce of strength I have to push her down. Falling hard to the floor and hitting her head on a table, I run for the door and climb the stairs at a fevered pace. Struggling with my body to respond the way I need it to, I count on adrenaline to get me the rest of the way.

There's someone else here. I can feel them, they're in the kitchen. Sounds of cooking filtering out into the great room, I approach cautiously. Upon closing the distance and reaching the entry way, my blood runs cold. Her back is to me but I know in an instant, Alexis! What the hell is going on?! Without looking up, she speaks with a smile in her voice, "Becky can you hand me the garlic please?"

Becky?! Who the fuck is Becky?!

My blood goes from frozen to boiling in an instant. The heat rises from my stomach to my face, I feel the fire burning. All of the weakness I felt a moment ago is replaced by rage. How could she do this to me? To US? Oh Lissy... I'm sorry for everything. Sorry for what I have to do, please forgive me. I feel Lissy for a split second, holding my arm, begging me to stay calm and just come home. The anger forces her from me; my only focus is the woman standing only feet away.

Her body stiffens, she feels it... feels me. A quick scan of the kitchen and I lunge to counter, grabbing a paring knife. I'm on her, arm around her waist and the blade trembling at her neck. In those seconds, the thoughts came crashing in. It was there all along, right there in front of me. I knew this place, the smell, the feel. How could she bring me here? Wait, not her, Veronica. They changed it just enough, just enough for it to not register in my scrambled mind. They kept me drugged, confused. WHY?!!

Ever calm, her voice pierces my hysteria, "Take a deep breath Kara, everything is alright."

"ALRIGHT? What the fuck is going on? You sick bitch!" My hand is shaking harder, tears spilling. Her hands start to move and I push her body against the counter. I growl, "Don't you fucking move." The tip of the knife nicks her neck and a trickle of blood slinks down her skin.

If the prick hurt, she hid it. The only sound is my frantic breathing and my heart pounding in my ears. Her voice even, not a hint of distress, "Kara, I will explain everything. Just please take the knife away and we'll talk."

"There's nothing to explain, you've ruined my life and taken the only thing that ever meant something to me. Now you've kidnapped and drugged me?! What the hell could possibly be said? NO! I'm in control now. I'll tell you what's going to happen. I'm going to turn you towards the basement and we're going to walk down. SLOWLY!" The last is a loud hiss in her ear. She flinches. The first sign that the ice queen is scared. This is just the beginning, I'm going to show you scared... show you pain.

Without so much as a question, she allows me to spin her body towards the door to the dungeon. Our steps are slow, deliberate. I'm careful to keep constant pressure on her neck and my body pressed to her back. Our feet on the wooden steps are hollow, echoing off the walls. She stiffens at the base of the stairs as we reach Veronica (or Becky?). Her voice quivering, "Kara, what have you done? STOP THIS!"

The forcefulness of her tone adds gasoline to my already raging fire. "SHUT UP you cunt! You will not utter another word unless I say!" I push her to the floor, her grunt tells me she felt it. "Tie her to the banister and I swear if you try and help her or wake her, I'll make sure you both suffer." My voice leaves no room for argument. She crawls to a drawer, grabs some scarves, and makes her way back to the unconscious woman. I can see her breathing, there's no blood. She has to be okay.

As I watch the skillful torturer tie Veronica's hands together, I'm acutely aware of the nausea and the weakening of my legs. I need to get her under 'control' fast before I'm no longer able. The adrenaline high will subside soon. Alexis finishes and moves her eyes to mine. I can't make out what I see there, in the depths. I stand under the room's central chain and motion for her to come to me. She stays on her hands and knees, making her way over, never releasing me from her gaze. Not this time, Alexis. Once upon a time you could do so many things to me with just a look, but those days are through.

This is my dungeon now. I keep my steel grays on her. They're cold, in stark contrast to the rest of my body. Their intensity sending pulses of excitement through me. Excitement? I shudder. My pussy pulses. Focus Kara! She kneels under the chain as I circle her, making my way to the restraints. I'm a lioness staring down her prey. Her eyes were unyielding, not wanting to give whereas her body already has. I place the knife in my teeth, grabbing what I need. She jumps as I accidentally drop it at her feet, the metal vibrating off the concrete floor. "Okay bitch, you know what those are... put the spreader bar between your feet."

Just a tinge of uneasiness in her whisper, "Yes miss." Wrong thing to say!

"I AM NOT YOUR MISS!!" Her eyes fall. That's right! Her fingers slip on the ankle cuff. I can almost hear her pleading with herself to calm, to find a way to regain control. I wipe the sweat from my eyes, my fury threatening to consume me. Don't let her see you struggle; breathe. Each breath pushes the uneasiness farther down.

With her feet spread and restrained, I take the wrist cuffs and put one on, then the other. Tightening them two notches too much, she squirms. I attach them to another spreader bar and yank her to her feet. She bites her lip, muffling her screech.

"Kara STOP!" Veronica's voice latent with panic.

"Tell your slave to shut up!"

"I'm not her slave! We're lovers!" Alexis' head whips around, eyes daggers at Veronica. Stupid girl. She realizes the power that gives me. I laugh, her head drops.

"How sweet," laced with sarcasm. "In that case, I'm happy you're awake." I continue my work, fastening the bar to the chain and pulling. Her eyes leave her 'lover's' and sear into me. Not flinching, I smirk as I pull the chain tighter... she gasps... tighter still... tears fill her eyes. I know exactly what she's feeling. Your midsection being pulled so taut it feels like your ribs are splitting. She knows better than to move; the pain only intensifies.

Her robe falls open, revealing her nudity. She really is beautiful. There was a day when I yearned for, ached for her body. Now it only fills me with disgust. Sickened that she gets to remain so perfect while I've been left to suffer. She has taken and taken from me. It's time to return the favor. I take the knife again, my hand steady as I place the blade at the top of her chest. Lightly at first as I trail it down between her breasts and over her stomach. I stop at the top of her mound and press harder... the tip digging into her skin. 

Frantically Veronica screams, "STOP! Please STOP!"

From that dark place inside me it bubbles, I begin to laugh. I look over at her to make sure she's looking at the knife. Her eyes are lasers, focused on my every move. Veronica's lip is trembling, sweat beading on her brow. My pussy is flooding, arousal dripping down my thighs. I watch her face as I push the blade, her expression tells me when it pierces her lover. Alexis wouldn't dare react, she's always the pro. My laughter erupts again. Veronica begins to sob. Weak bitch. 

I look back to my prey, her eyes surprisingly soft. It rattles me for a moment. Don't look at her, Kara! It's part of her game. I drop my gaze to the cold steel and blood. It's barely penetrated... just a little more. I push and the blood soaks the knife. I lower to my knees and stare at my work, placing the knife on the floor. 

"I think I see now why you get off on this..." My finger dips into the blood, rubbing it over her mound. "It feels so... good... the control... the power." My eyes glaze, unable to look away. Fingers painting her red, slipping into her slit. Oh god. She's so wet. Goosebumps flooding my body, an orgasm screams its way to the surface. I cover my fingers in her juices and force myself to stand. 

Veronica's crying has quieted, she's squirming. Holding my drenched fingers for her to see I say, "I think your lover is enjoying herself."

"Fuck you!" Her words meaningless, she has no power.

"Don't worry; I don't want her enjoying this any more than you do." Turning back to Alexis, my fingers press to her lips and I wait. She glares as her lips open. I slam my fingers deep into her mouth, gagging her. She licks my fingers clean, eyes still fixed on mine. I smile, barely able to hold the waves at bay.

Leaving her, I walk to the infamous 'wall of pleasure'. I grab a leather strap and one of our old favorites. As I make my way back, her eyes widen for a moment; she remembers. I know I do. The scars I try to hide on my thigh are a reminder. 

"I see by your face you recognize our old friend." Her eyes narrow.

"Kara, it's not too late to stop this. Let me help." Her words cut off by the slap of leather on her legs. The echo in the room is empowering. I had planned on starting slowly and building, but she spoke; I told her not to. She has to be punished. My hand is heavy as I strike again on her leg, again on her thigh, then her left ass cheek. I circle. Again on the other cheek, her thigh. Each time harder, each strike coming closer together. The sounds mixing with cracks of the strap, cries (hers and Veronica's) and my laughing. Never a thought to slow, to second guess. I let it take me. I think of every day away from MY lover and hit harder... circling... harder.

"KARA!!" I shake my head, clearing slightly and locking eyes with Alexis. Her cheeks stained with tears, fear in her eyes. So taken back, I listen. "Please Kara, I'm begging you... stop. You're in control. I deserve your punishment. Please stop... think for just a minute." Her voice shaking so badly the words come out in spurts. "Think of Lissy..." Not able to control my reaction, my hand strikes her mouth.

"Don't EVER say her name! You don't have the right! I think it's time you become intimately acquainted with black lightening. You remember your favorite way to hurt me don't you?"

As my hand rears back, her face flashes in my head... her smile... her eyes pleading... Lissy, pleading for me to stop. My baby's voice is as clear in mind as if she were standing here. Lover, stop please. Please just come home. All of my strength drains with her words and I drop to my knees, the cane bouncing off the floor as it falls from my hand.

"Lissy... I need you. I miss you." It's unclear if these words are said out loud but they are lurid in my head, as were my sobs. They wrack my body, forcing me to lie down on the cold floor. I just need to rest, I want to go home.

The room is spinning, where am I? I'm being rocked in her arms. My eyes are too weighty to open. "Kara, it's okay. You're safe." Wait! It's another trick, that's Alexis! I try to move but every limb is so heavy, I manage only to squirm. "Shh, just relax honey. It's not what you think. I did this to protect you." Her words are meant to soothe but they are screams in my head. I want to run, SHOUT, but I can only make out some words and sounds around me. The banging... god the banging.

"Just what we need. Who the hell is here at this hour?"

"Please don't be mad. I called the police."  That's Veronica's voice.

"You what!?"

"I'm sorry, she was beating you. She cut you! I didn't know if she'd would stop. Please... I was so scared."

"Okay, okay. Let's just think."

"POLICE! Open the door!"

"Here, hold onto her. Let me deal with this."

"I'm not getting near that crazy bitch!"

"BECKY! You will do exactly what I tell you!"

I listen for a response but I only feel the cushion under me shift, arms release me and another holding me down... not caring, cold. Thank god the police are here. I can go home!

"Good evening officers, please come in."

"We received a 911 call from your address saying that someone was being assaulted. What is going on here?"

"It was a misunderstanding officer, I'm so sorry."

"No ma'am, this is not a misunderstanding. Who is the assailant?"




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 03



"It's her! She attacked my girlfriend!"

I'm pulled to my feet. "Ma'am, you're coming with us."

"No please. This is a mistake. My lov... girlfriend didn't realize what she was witnessing, this woman is my patient."

"Ma'am you two work out what was seen or not. In the meantime, 911 was called, the woman on the phone was in obvious distress. We're going to take this young woman down to the station. If you want to help, you can bail her out in a few hours."

I want to scream, tell them I'm a prisoner. Nothing is working, they must have drugged me again. The hands under my arms were digging in as my weight is limp against them. I'm half walking, half being dragged as we leave. The ice and snow are knives against my skin. Voices are loud but indistinguishable. Finally warmth! I fall against what I assume is the back seat of squad car. More voices, radio static... I drift to sleep.

***

NO! It was a dream, I'm still in hell. The concrete floor is ice. I can't stop shaking. Pushing my heavy lids open, I see feet. Lots of feet. Some still, some moving. The heels of the shoes sound like thunder on the floor. I wrap my arms around my body, trying to keep warm, to stop the shaking.

"Hey there sleepyhead." Fingertips brush through my hair. The adrenaline surges and I scramble away, sitting up now with my back to the wall. Jail! I'm in jail, thank god! "It's okay. Now that you're awake, you can ask for your phone call." The voice is coming from an older lady, skin like leather. She's lived a hard life, it's written in every wrinkle on her face. Her voice is genuine though, caring. I force a grin. "That's it. Would you like me to call for an officer? So you can get your call?" I nod, I think. "Okay just sit tight and I'll get someone." She scurries away, happy she can help me. I try not to question why she's helping; I need it. I let my eyes fall shut again.

Moments later, as promised, an officer is standing in front of me. "Miss Thornton, please come with me." I look up at a stern face deputy with her hand out; I reach and let her help me to my feet.

"Thank you," is all I could manage; my voice feels like gravel. Led by my elbow, I concentrate on placing one foot in front of the other. I keep my eyes on the ground as we walk through the holding area to a row of chairs, each parked in front of a phone. She stops near one and motions for me to sit.

"Ma'am, do you know who you would like to call?" I nod. "You have five minutes, make them count." 

I am by no means an expert on incarceration but everyone seems friendly, not like what you see on TV. The phone is one you don't see anymore, the old square base with a horseshoe handset. Attached by a chord!! I almost laugh, but that would take energy. Instead I lift the receiver and start to dial. Dammit, I hit two numbers at the same time. I push the plastic piece down to hang up so I can start over. This time I move slowly, focusing on each number, bringing my finger to it and pressing. It's ringing.

"Hello." I start to talk but instead a recording plays, asking if they would like to accept a call from the jail. I wait. 

"Yes," she says half asleep.

"Barb? Thank god."

"Kara? What the hell is going on? Why are you in jail?"

"I can explain when you get here, please come get me." The words are difficult to form; they spill lazily with what sounds like a drawl.

"No! You'll explain now. I haven't heard from you in weeks. You were fired from your job and now I get a call in the middle of the night from jail? 'Come get me'?"

"Look, they don't exactly give you time to reminisce. Come get me, please Barb," I said, every ounce of my pleading seeping into my voice.

"Kara, it's time for some tough love here. I hope you get out soon, maybe then we can talk."

"No wait! I don't get another call; please don't leave me in here!" A click and she's gone. The tears start. For the first time since I arrived, I'm afraid. I jump at the touch on my shoulder.

"Ma'am, it's time to go back to your cell."

"She's not coming for me." My voice trails off in defeat.

"Uh huh. Let's go." I stand and led back the way I came. As the cell door slams behind me, my head flies up and I look at all of the other sad faces. My new 'friend' is sitting in the corner chatting with another lady. She looks up and gives me a warm smile as I head to the only free spot on a bench by the far wall. Pulling my knees to my chest, I lay my head down and cry.

** December 18th **

Lissy

Work and exercise were the order of the day Monday and Tuesday. No, Kara hadn't called back. I can't really tell you why but the fact that we had talked, even if the call hadn't lasted long, had gone a long way toward settling me.

The weather services were calling for a lot of snow; an amount undetermined. That's why I took the train to work and left the car at the train station. My best guess was that it would be easier to get home that way. Suburbs often did a better job with snow than the city.

Anyway, another detail I left out. I'd called Jenna Sunday afternoon and given her my flight details.

"Can you email me the flight numbers and times, Mom?" This after I'd read them to her.

"Sure, honey. How are things?"

"It's hectic and fun. I'm glad I'm working, though I sure miss Ella." I nodded. "It's nice having more money, Mom. We had to scrimp for so long. There's the mountain of debt from school that eats up way too much every month. But we both knew that goin' in. Anyway, how's everything? Anything new about Kara?"

So that brings you up to date on how things are with my oldest.

The day dragged on and the snow never stopped. Around 3pm the word went out that the city was on blizzard alert. Radio and television were advising that people who didn't have to drive shouldn't. The snow never stopped; if anything it was coming down harder. By 5pm I was torn. The thought occurred to me that I could find a cab or walk to Kara's condo and spend the night. I decided to go to Boston Blackie's, have dinner, wait out the snow, and make up my mind.

I was surprised that Rachel wasn't working. The pretty young blonde who waited on me knew her and told me she had gotten called off due to the snow. Good; one less thing to worry about. I wracked my brain about what Kara had ordered when we were here. It finally came to me.

"Jodi, I'll have the Ketel One Cosmo and Buffalo Wings with barbeque sauce and bleu cheese dressing." She smiled. Good, now go away, sweetie.

I brought my Stephanie Plum novel on the train this morning. I was very glad I had. It gave me something to do as I wrestled with my decision, though I wasn't sure there was much of a decision to make. The televisions were all tuned in to local news. It didn't look like I was going to get home tonight.

I smiled, thanked Jodi, and took a healthy sip of my Cosmo. Yup, it was just as good as I remembered.

"Are you ready to order?"

"Actually I am. The Buffalo chicken wrap leftovers should be okay in the fridge overnight."

That settled, I had a few of the wings, dipping them in what was a lovely dressing.

You may laugh. I wondered if any of the food in Kara's fridge would be any good. It had been so long since I'd been there, save for that crazy Saturday night, that I had zero idea of what was left. Point? Should I order a salad just in case?

Should I call and ask? I sighed. She hadn't answered my call. Keeping Barb's comment in mind, I decided not to.

Moving on, I settled up with Jodi, thanked her, and headed out into what was a driving, wind blown snow storm. Thank god for my hat, muffler, boots, mittens, and my decision to wear a long warm coat. I ducked my chin into the high collar and slowly made my way west.

I had given thought to taking the keys to the condo out of my purse. Thank god I hadn't. The front door and elevator gave me the shivers as I remembered that fateful Sunday. The slow ride, once a source of girly, giggly pleasure, found my eyes closed the whole way. I gave thanks for being alone. The key fit; I hesitated a moment before turning it.

The condo was dark and chilly. I had no way of knowing if Kara had been here. Her unit didn't face the street, so I had no worries about turning on the lights - after making sure the door was locked and the security bar was in place.

I took off my soaked coat and hat, grabbed a hangar from the hall closet, and hung them both over the shower door. I stopped, grabbed a pair of socks, sat on the bed, and took off my boots. The thin socks I'd worn this morning weren't nearly enough tonight.

I took a moment to let the familiar surroundings and sounds sink in.

"Where are you tonight, lover? Are you okay? Warm? Out of this miserable storm? Safe?" No reason not to say it out loud, right? I was the only one here... sadly.

I shook my head. I could only hope. I can't control what she's doing. I wouldn't want to. We may always have been peas in a pod, but there was a healthy acceptance that we were two separate people brought together because of love.

I giggled. I know - lust made it a photo finish. But you get the point.

There was some wine in the fridge and on the counter. I took the Redwood Creek Chardonnay out and poured a glass. I got comfy on the couch and must have dozed off. My phone rang. I looked - 12:30. I shook my head and headed to my purse. Barb? Now?

"Barb, hi, what's up?"

"Lissy, I got a call from Kara about 15 minutes ago. She's in police custody." My blood ran cold. "She didn't tell me why."

"Where is she?"

"I don't know."

"Didn't she tell you? Why didn't you go? What did she want you to do?" The silence lasted a minute, maybe more.

"She wanted me to come and bail her out."

Fury building inside I asked, "Why didn't you?"

"Carole... didn't want me going out in this weather." You goddamn lying bitch. Keep your temper, Lissy.

"Is there anything you do know about where she is, damn you?"

"Don't you judge me, you bitch. She's been staying here forever. It was hell on Carole and me."

This was going nowhere way too fast. I need to find out where she is.

"You're right, Barb, I'm sorry. Is there anything? She called you; what about your caller ID?"

"Hold on, let me check." I heard a click, silence, and another click. "There's a phone number." She gave it to me.

Enthusiasm renewed, I said, "Great! Okay, Barb; thanks so much for calling. I'll find out where the station is and figure out some way to get there."

I called the number Barb had given me and got an address.

Rage and concern dueled. I struggled into my boots, keeping the socks on my feet. The wet coat was heavy. It didn't matter. I had to go find her. And I had to find a cab in the middle of a snowstorm.

I have no idea how long I stood in the wind and snow. I walked east in the desolate streets, thinking if I got close to Halsted I might get lucky and find something. I jumped up and down like a crazy woman when I saw a cab with its 'hired' light off. The son of a bitch had his 'Off Duty' flag down and passed me by.

I shivered, swore, cursed, and shivered. Maybe 10 minutes later that felt like an eternity another cab crawled along and stopped as I jumped up and down in desperation in the middle of the street.

"You crazy, lady." I laughed and hurried into the warmth.

I gave him the address. We headed north.

I cried. I know; I can't help it. We can't help it I think. Happy, sad, whatever - we cry. We're women and we rock!

I had a thought and pushed it away. 

No, Lissy, this is why you asked Shade for help. Now is exactly the time to call her. Never mind the weather. You don't know what's going on. Barb told you she waited to call. Get on top of this while you're in the cab.

I dialed.

"Hello? Lissy? What's wrong?"

It's impossibly stupid, but I cried again. Those two words sent me into hysterics. 

I had to calm down enough to be cogent, so I took a deep breath.

"Shade, I'm in a cab on the way to a police station."

"Stop right there, Lissy. Give me the address." I did. "Okay. What's going on? Something with Kara?"

Tearfully, I explained what little I knew. I heard her talking in the background as I spoke.

"Lissy, when you get to the station, tell the desk sergeant you're there to bail her out. Call me back when you find out what's going on, please. And Lissy, thanks for calling. I can put things in motion on my end. The weather isn't our friend tonight, but that won't keep me from doing whatever needs to be done."

Have you ever had someone you'd called on in a crunch who answered the bell so calmly and coolly that you knew you'd be okay? That was me that miserable Wednesday night, grateful beyond all get-out for Shade.

The cab rolled up to the station. I gave the surprised driver a healthy tip on what wasn't that big of a fare.

The police station was... I have no idea. I thought it was quiet. I had no baseline to make that sort of snap judgment.

I asked the middle aged uniform, "Do you have a Kara Ann Thornton in custody?"

He looked through some papers and nodded.

"She's already been bailed out." What!!

"Who on earth..." I was lost, beyond flummoxed. "I'm here to bail her out. A friend of her... ours called and told me a little bit of what happened. I know for a fact this friend didn't come; she's why I'm here." I shook my head. 

I knew I couldn't antagonize the man. He didn't know anything about what was going on. "Thank you, officer." His eyes narrowed. Shade; I need to call Shade. "I need to make a phone call. I'll be a moment."

I stepped away from the desk, took my phone from my purse, scrolled, and punched 'send.' The phone rang.

"Yes, Lissy, what's going on? I have people on the street as we speak."

"She's not here. She's been bailed out according to the man in the uniform... oh my god. That's the desk sergeant you told me about. Oh shit. Is that going to be a problem? I don't think he liked me calling him officer." She laughed.

"Lissy, you're very pretty. Make nice with him." The sergeant and I made eye contact. It wasn't looking good. "Ask if you can get the name of whoever bailed Kara out. That's huge in trying to figure out what's going on. And call me back when you get an answer." I shook my head.

"I'm not real hopeful, Shade, but I'll do the best I can." I shook my head, closed the phone and headed back to the desk.

"Sergeant, I apologize for earlier. I'm a little frazzled. Kara, Ms. Thornton, is my girlfriend, the love of my life." I never took my eyes off of the man when I said it. I saw his eyes narrow, his lips purse, and he nodded. 

I took off my gloves, extended my hand, and said, "I'm Lissy Stone by the way. I came to the police station to bail her out. To find out she's already gone is something of a shock." The sergeant shook my hand. I smiled, crossed my fingers, and asked, "Is there any way you can tell me who it was? A name? Man or woman? Anything?"

He shook his head. "I'm afraid not." My heart sank. "Can't you call her? Find out where she is and who she's with?" I could feel my eyes want to leak. Shit! I don't want to cry in front of this man. I need help, not sympathy.

I took a deep breath and said, "We had a big fight late in August. We haven't seen each other since. There's only been one phone call - a short one last Friday." My chin buckled. "It was only by the slimmest coincidence and this damn blizzard that I was downtown. I got lucky and found a cab to get me here." I slumped. Good god, how am I going to get back to the condo? "Please excuse me for a moment, Sergeant..." I looked at the name tag on his shirt. "Wells. I have to make another call." I tried that smile again.

I went back to the bench, set my hat and gloves next to me, and called Shade again.

"Lissy, hi, what did you find out?" 

I felt myself start to cry, got up, and walked away from the desk and that man. I didn't want him to see me like this.

Through sniffles, I said, "Nothing; he won't tell me anything. I have a feeling it's procedure. I have no idea what to do."

"Okay, let's think about this. We don't know where Bette lives yet. Which makes me wonder - was Kara there as well? Were you able to get any sort of description? " 

Shit, shit, shit. I'm such a wreck over this whole thing I hadn't thought of it.

"No, Shade; I'm sorry. I'm a wreck and not thinking clearly."

After a short pause that lasted a lifetime, Shade said, her voice soft, "Lissy, I understand that you are. I need for you to pull yourself together. Kara needs you. She's as close as she's been since August. We need to find her and bring her home. You're with the sergeant who signed her out. Be calm, be pleasant, and be gently persistent."

Calm and persistent huh? I need to see blue eyes. I did; they winked at me. Yeah, it was in my mind, but I saw her. I really did. I smiled.

"Okay, Shade. What time is it anyway?" I looked around for a clock. There was one on the wall behind the desk. "I was lucky to find a cab downtown, Shade. I can't imagine how long I'm going to stand in this mess and pray one comes along. Walking north to Division is probably my best option." I'm so not looking forward to this.

"Lissy." I shook my head.

"I'm sorry, Shade, I'm whining. Let me go talk to this man and see if I can get him to help. I don't want to keep you and Destiny up too late with this nonsense. I won't be offended in the least if you need to get to bed."

"Lissy, stop it, please," she said sharply. It startled me. "Destiny and I are in her car on our way to the station. It's slow going but we should be there in less than 15 minutes. Just hang on, okay. Do the best you can with Sergeant... did you give me his name?" Ugh! I had to think for a second or two.

"Yeah, um... it's... Wells! That's it, Sergeant Wells." I turned around to see him staring at me. I gave him my biggest smile and a wave. He nodded.

My phone buzzed. What on earth? Jenna?

"Shade, let me call you back. My daughter is on the phone."

"Okay, Lissy."

"Jenna, what's up honey? Is everything okay?"

"Mom, hi, I know it's late, but I wanted to make sure you're okay. The news said Chicago is getting murdered by a super heavy snowstorm. Have you talked to Rach? Are you home?" I laughed to myself.

"Honey, I can't talk long. I decided to stay downtown because of the weather." Just tell her. "I'm at a police station trying to find Kara. I was talking to a friend of ours who's on her way to pick me up."

What I'm sure was a stunned silence followed. "Um, okay. There's a lot you're not telling me. I'm worried."

"No, honey, please don't be." Oh geez! "And please do NOT call JR or your sister. I don't want all of you worrying about me. I'm fine. I promise I'll call when I can and give you as much information as I know." I looked at the clock. Shade was likely to be here any minute. "Give Ella and Ian kisses from me, please. Oh, and see you soon!"

I had heard voices as the call was winding down. Trying to remain unassuming, I paced back and forth with the phone to my ear, inching a little closer each time. A younger man was talking to Sergeant Wells.

"... had bruises on her face and hands." A pause. "Did you get close enough to see her eyes?"

"No, not until she signed out. And then just for a few seconds. Why?"

"She looked like she was on something. She wasn't focusing well. The redhead had to repeat things a couple of times before she'd respond." Sergeant Wells nodded.

"Well, it's been a quiet night. I expect that patrol is mostly handling fender benders. The amount of snow we're getting, there shouldn't be much in the way of mischief. The knuckleheads will either stagger home from their favorite watering hole or stay home."




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 03



I saw the sergeant eyeing me. Whoever the uniform was, he didn't feel like he was done.

"Did you get much of a look at the redhead? She's a looker!! I mean, hot!" Wells eyed me then went back to the cop.

"Are you pullin' a double? I finally get to go home after this nightmare day."

"Yeah, just my luck a blizzard turns my 3 to 11 into a 3 till whenever. Who's your relief, Jimmy?"

"Slaughter; she should be here soon," he said, looking, I thought, longingly at the clock over his shoulder. I laughed. Slaughter was a funny, odd name for a cop.

"I'm going to get some coffee. You want any?"

"Nah, my kidneys are drowning in the stuff as it is." He looked at me and nodded his head in my direction. "You may want to ask the lady though. I think she's thawing out after trying to find a cab downtown." I smiled.

"Miss?"

"Yes, please, officer. Coffee sounds like champagne right now." He laughed. Puppies! They're so easy.

He brought me the coffee with a flourish and a smile.

"Thank you officer... Whitney." I offered my hand. "I'm Lissy Stone. I was here to bail out Kara Thornton, but it seems like I was a little late." His eyes widened. I sipped the blessedly hot liquid.

"You too?" He smiled. "Two of you fighting over that drugged out mess." He shook his head then snapped his eyes up to meet mine. "Wait; was... is she someth... someone special to you?" 

I didn't have an ice pick and didn't want to spend the rest of my life in the gray bar hotel, so I just smiled.

"I love her." Damn tears. "I... we both made mistakes; mistakes that have kept us apart for 3½ months. A mutual friend called me to tell me she... was a guest here." He laughed, I smiled. Good!

"Gay, huh? Well, I don't understand it, but I guess love is love." His eyes looked up and to the left. "So who was the redhead who got to her before you did? And why didn't she call you first?" I didn't have an answer to either.

I trotted out my biggest, brightest smile. "I live in the burbs, which may be why Kara called different people to come get her. This miserable storm is what made me stay downtown." I tried to make the shrug as casual as possible. "Did the redhead have a name? She may well be a friend of Kara's. I may know her."

"Becky something." I felt my heart freeze.

Redhead? Becky? Is it even possible? Didn't she tell me she lives way out northwest someplace? Crystal Lake maybe?

"McCann; yeah, I think she said her last name was McCann." He shrugged. Well maybe it's not her.

"Hey Tony, don't you have something else to do besides make nice with the lady?" 

'Tony' had turned when the sergeant was talking. He turned back to me and rolled his eyes.

"Big shot sergeant," he said, very much under his breath.

"I didn't mean to keep you for so long, officer. You've been more than helpful and very kind. Thank you for the coffee."

He nodded, gave me a little half hearted salute, turned on his heel, and disappeared through a door.

Just like I'd choreographed it, Shade and Destiny wandered in the front door. I let out a little squeal of joy.

Both of them were bundled up like it was cold. They made a beeline for me; I did the same. Hugs and kisses all around.

"Have fun getting here?"

"I'm not sure the snow has eased up even a little bit," Destiny said as she shook her head. 

Turning to Shade, I said, "Becky McCann." She smiled.

"And they say feminine wiles are a myth." We all laughed. "How did you get the information?"

"I told you Jenna called while we were talking." She nodded. "I didn't see him, but another officer had come out and was talking to Sergeant Wells. I heard something about injuries that I think was at the tail end of a back and forth. As I talked to my daughter, I walked back and forth, inching a little closer and keeping one ear on what was being said."

"That's very good, Lissy, but there has to be something more."

"Well yes, but really all I got out of him was a name." I had to come clean about Becky. "I've dated a Becky Reynolds a couple of times. She has red hair just like the Becky the cop said bailed out Kara. But the last name is different."

"So she's gone and we don't know where or who she's with." Destiny looked at her honey and said, "What's next?

"It's not a stretch to assume she's with this Becky," was Shade's response. That made sense.

"What do we do now?"

"Let me make a phone call and get the name Becky McCann to my people. I'll also check and see if anyone has had any success locating Bette and/or Kara. Please excuse me for a moment." 

Off she went, phone to her ear.

Destiny laid a hand on my shoulder and asked, "How are you, Lissy? This had to be a real shocker."

"I'm thankful for this stupid storm." She smiled. "I made the decision to stay at Kara's tonight rather than take the train home. It wasn't much fun finding a cab, and Barb's call was certainly just as you indicated - a shocker, to put it mildly."

"Do I know this Barb?"

"I mentioned Barb Romano to Shade at dinner a week ago. Oh my god, not even a week ago. Geez, after 3½ months of no movement on my part or Kara's, there's been a bunch of it in a very short period of time."

"There certainly has," she said with a warm smile. "May I share what the thought I just had?"

"Why, of course!"

"Maybe it was fate's way of saying that it was time for the two of you to get back together. To be apart for as long as you've been... well, it may have been necessary, but it had to be miserable."

I never did find out if she said what she did on purpose, but I cried. She was right. I felt like I was missing my other half all that time. It was more than my bed that was empty; so was my soul. It felt like there was a fissure there; like the earth had shifted. It still wasn't clear what we'd have to do to put things back together. What was clear was that I wanted to.

Destiny held me to her shoulder while I bawled. Eventually I got embarrassed at my display and lifted my head.

"I'm sorry. I think the stress has gotten the better of me."

Shade offered me some Kleenex, which I accepted gratefully. Destiny was totally cute.

"I'd offer you my compact mirror but you might never speak to me again." I laughed.

"That's very considerate of you, plus thank you for the laugh. I sure needed one."

"Lissy, do you know if Kara's car is at the condo?" Hmm, I think so, but to be honest, I had never checked.

"I'm not positive, but I think so. Why do you ask?"

"I think we're about halfway between our place and hers. You're welcome to spend the night with us. We can see what happens overnight. It leaves you without a car, but with the weather that's not necessarily a bad thing."

"I don't know what to say, Shade. I hate the thought of inconveniencing the two of you." The couple looked at each other and smiled.

"Shade invited you and I'm seconding the motion, Lissy. You're welcome to be our guest. The bedroom Kim used is fully furnished. You'll have to go down the hall a bit to use the washroom and shower in the morning."

I threw my hands up in mock disgust. "Deal's off then." Smiles all around. "Does this offer include breakfast?"

"Sure does; we'll even let you buy," was Destiny's quick retort.

"I don't know how I can possibly turn this down. Oh, did your phone call prove to be fruitful? Anything new learned?"

Shade shook her head. "Regretfully, no. It's getting late. We should be going."

"Let me go say goodbye to my new friend Sergeant Wells." They both smiled. 

I walked to the desk. Wells seemed busy with paper; a nasty looking brunette with her hair in a tight bun eyed me with suspicion. I wondered if she was naturally foul tempered or just upset about having to work on such a foul night.

"Sergeant." He looked up at me. I extended my hand. He frowned a bit but shook it. "I know you followed procedure, but I wanted to thank you for your kindness. I very much appreciate the coffee your officer... oh geez, I've forgotten his name already." Embarrassed, I shook my head. "Anyway, we'll be going. Drive safely on your way home tonight."

"Good luck to you and your friend, Ma'am. And thank you."

What happened next was shocking and beyond unexpected.

Bundled up for the storm, we headed to the door. We were maybe 10 feet away when Becky walked in. I skidded to a stop. She glanced at the desk, saw us, saw me, and stopped. Shock, pure and raw, rolled through me. I wanted to rip her heart out of her chest.

"So it was you. Where is Kara, Becky? Where are you and Bette keeping her?" By now I was quaking with anger that was fueled by adrenaline.

"Lissy, hi, who are your friends?" If you can believe it, she asked the question with what is best explained as a leer.

"Answer the question, you bitch," I said in the coldest tone possible. The smile ended as quickly as it started.

"She's where you can't get to her." I hadn't seen him, so I was surprised when I heard Sergeant Wells' voice.

"Ms. Stone, is there a problem here?"

In a burst of inspiration, I asked, "Sergeant, do you recognize this woman?"

"Yes, she was here with an attorney when Ms. Thornton was bailed out. Why?"

"We have reason to suspect that Kara is being held against her will somewhere in the area."

Becky exploded angrily, saying, "That's completely false. She's always been able to come and go as she pleases."

"Sergeant, I know this woman as Becky Reynolds. The other police officer told me is that she used McCann as her name."

"It's my maiden name," was said in a screech.

"So you admit you were here for all that?"

"Bette told me I had to come get her," was said before she had time to think. Awareness came too late and she shut up.

"Sergeant Slaughter, call someone to come up front. And call the A.D.A." He turned back to Becky. "Turn around, put your hands behind your head..." He Mirandized her as he was cuffing her.

Blustering, confused, and angry, Becky said, "Why am I being arrested?"

"Suspicion of involuntary restraint; kidnapping if you will."

"She's not kidnapped. She can come and go as she pleases." I was furious and about to say something. A female uniform appeared.

To my surprise, Wells said, "Fine; the officer will put you in a squad. You take her wherever Ms. Thornton is."

I honestly thought Becky might faint. She went pale as death, her eyes darting one way and another."

"I was sent to ask whether or not you would consider dropping the charges. The person Kara hit is a medical professional, a psychologist. She believes that Kara had some sort of episode and doesn't want to press charges."

Part of me wanted to hit the bitch. Part of me wanted to laugh at her characterization of Bette as a professional.

"I'm not authorized to do anything of the sort. Wichmann, take Ms. McCann wherever she tells you to go. Do not go inside without calling for backup and waiting for them to arrive. Use highest precautions for everyone's safety."

"Yes sir. Let's go miss." She didn't look very happy to go out in the storm. Becky looked over her shoulder at me with barely disguised scorn. Fuck you and your co-conspirator, you skank. I blew her a kiss and waved.

I turned to Shade and Destiny; only Destiny was there. Shade was over in a corner, phone to her ear.

I looked at Destiny, who shrugged.

"I have a feeling I know what's going on, but let's wait till Shade comes back. Are you okay? You look like you wanted to rip her from stem to stern." I smiled.

"I thought I might be able to have feelings for that... person." I shook my head. Destiny took my hand in hers.

"Don't beat yourself up, Lissy," she said softly. "It doesn't do you or Kara any good. At any rate, it's irrelevant. I have a feeling the two of you will be back together sooner rather than later." I wasn't so sure. 

"I'm not positive of that. The other cop was telling the sergeant he thought Kara was on drugs. Something about her eyes not looking right. I can't believe that she'd use drugs for any reason, yet, after not being with her for so long, I can't be sure about anything anymore." 

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to try and keep from crying yet again. When I opened them Shade was there.

"I have eyes on the squad car, Lissy. They'll follow her at a distance and call me with an address." I shook my head.

"You're unbelievable, Shade. I'm not sure I want to know the how and why of whatever you're doing - or trying to do."

Her eyes twinkling, Shade said, "Good. Seriously though, it's better you don't know. Plausible denial."

"I know nothing!! Sorry, I can never resist a chance to do a little Sergeant Schultz from 'Hogan's Heroes.'"

Destiny rolled her eyes and said, "Your age is showing, Lissy." But she smiled as she said it.

Looking at Shade, I said, "Do we wait or go home? What do you think?"

After a short pause she said, "I think we can go back to our place. Do you care what happens to this Becky?" I laughed.

"No!" She nodded.

"I figured as much." Turning to Destiny, she said, "You ready, honey?"

Destiny gave her lover a quick peck and said, "Let's blow this pop stand." I snickered.

It seemed the snow had eased quite a bit; it made the drive to their condo a little easier. I had a thought.

"The police protect and serve but they're not likely to call and give us an update about what's going on, right?"

Shade turned to look at me and said, "That won't happen." She winked. "Don't worry about a thing."

For some reason, I knew I didn't have to.

Their home was warm and inviting. Destiny insisted on taking my coat and hanging it up.

"You must be exhausted after that ordeal, Lissy. Let me show you to the guest room."

"Would you mind if I stayed up for a bit with the two of you? I'm a little wired after all of this." Shade nodded.

"Would you care for anything? We have wine if you'd like it; juice too."

"I think I can nurse a glass of wine until I wind down. Whatever you have opened would be fine, thanks."

Destiny came back a few minutes later with a glass of white wine and - drum roll please. Potato chips!! YES!!

"Why are you laughing, Lissy?" I couldn't help it. I didn't want to appear rude to my gracious hostesses.

"Neither of you would know this - but I call myself a potato chip whore." They both stared. I shrugged. "I know; it's me being silly. Kara and I have had some fun with my silliness." I shook my head, remembering. "Thanks, Destiny." I held up my glass. "Cheers and hearty thanks to you both for having me as your guest on this night of nights."

We talked for a little bit but it felt like whatever energy reserve I had leaked out of me like kids on the last day of school.

"I'm sorry, but all of a sudden I'm completely gassed. That guest room bed sounds really good." And I yawned.

Destiny offered her hand to help me up. They both hugged and kissed me as we said goodnight.

"I think everything you need is in a dresser drawer. Feel free to help yourself to whatever you need in the bathroom." 

"Thanks, Destiny." I hugged her and shook my head. "The two of you are incredible." I yawned again; we both laughed.

"Go to bed, sleepy head. See you in the morning." She smiled as she left and headed across the hall to their bedroom.

Screw it. I stripped off my clothes and crawled under the covers. I can get beautiful in the morning.

** December 19th **

Lissy

Morning came all too early with a knock on the door.

"Lissy?" Shade.

"Yeah?"

"May I come in?" What the hell; we're all women.

"Only if you bring coffee and don't mind me hiding my nakedness."

She laughed, opened the door, and held up my prize - a mug of coffee. I moaned and reached for it. I ignored that the sheet fell, exposing my glories.

"Destiny won't hate me if I tell you that I love you will she?" My response was a hearty laugh.

"Not for more than a couple of decades." She sat on the bed and reached for my hand.

"Are you ready to see your Kara?" I jumped at her, completely forgetting everything but what I heard. 

When I finally calmed down I managed to say, "Where is she, Shade?"

"She's at her condo with a few of my friends. That's where she wanted to go." I pulled back and looked at my sorta new friend.

"Do I want to know?" She smiled.

"I'd say probably not." Why argue? "Someone from the crew will get breakfast for Kara and bring it to the condo." I nodded. My heart raced as I thought of seeing the woman I love.

"If you'll excuse me, I'll jump in the shower and get dressed and meet you in a little while." I shook my head. "How do I thank you for all you've done, Shade? You and Destiny... I know I wouldn't know how to do whatever it is you've done."

A soft hand reached for my chin.

"You can't and you shouldn't. As long as you and Kara are together again all of this is worthwhile." She smiled. "It makes my rather mundane life a little more colorful." I laughed.

"Colorful is a cute word for it." I shook my head. "You're a marvel." She shook her head.

"I wasn't until Destiny came into my life. Some time soon we'll have to share some of our story with you and Kara. You may not think so highly of me after you hear how we came to be."

"That was then and this is now. Everybody has a past." I gulped some of the fabulous hot coffee and set the mug on the nightstand. "Is there a robe in the closet?" I pushed the covers aside and stood.

"It's blue; feel free." I slipped the robe over my shoulders and tied a loose knot. "I'll let you get a shower and the rest. There's toast and more in the kitchen. Help yourself. Whenever you tell us you're ready we'll take you to Kara's."

I hugged her and said, "Thanks. I... I don't know what I am. I'm nervous, I'm scared, and I'm excited. And I'm really worried too. I've wanted this day for so long and now that it's here, I'm not sure how it's going to go." Shade nodded.

"Seems perfectly normal, Lissy. I'd be more surprised if you didn't have all those conflicting emotions going on," she said with a smile. "See you in a little bit. Destiny and I are going to shower and dress."

I stood under the hot water and let it warm my face and body. I wondered if they shower together like Kara and I had. I smiled. Some of our sexiest and funniest moments came in those close quarters. Will we again? I shivered as I touched kitty, who was on high alert and no doubt eager to see her honey and Kara. I giggled. I hate to break the news, sugar, but there's not going to be any nudity today... well other than this shower.

I dressed as quickly as I could after finishing in the bathroom. I was nervous, jittery. I took the mug and headed down the hall. Getting a quick view of the front room, I looked beyond it to the kitchen, where Destiny was busy with something.

"Morning. Are you excited?" I poured more coffee.

"I'm nervous and excited. Plus, like I told Shade, I'm a little bit worried about who exactly I'll be seeing. Will she be as glad to see me as I will her?" She closed the distance between us and kissed me lightly on the lips.

"I don't know what happened, Lissy, and I don't want to. Shade and I went through some pretty rough times; so rough that I couldn't believe I was falling in love with her. Anyway, you'll start over from today. The good news is there was lots of love between the two of you." She smiled and said, "I'm confident that if you both come from a place of love, things will come together for you." I sure in the hell hope she's right!

"I think I'd better eat something before we go; something quick."

"We have whole wheat toast, bagels, and English muffins." She waited at the refrigerator door.

"I can make toast for god's sake." She laughed.

"And cut yourself with the butter knife." My turn to laugh.

"Um, you may be right. I'm pretty jittery right now. I'll have a bagel please. I don't care what kind it is."




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 03



"Why don't you sit at the dining room table? I'll bring your bagel."

"I'm not sure I want to sit, Destiny. Standing and walking help me burn off some of the nerves. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Did Shade give you any details about how... whoever found Kara did so and what all happened?"

"No, Lissy, I didn't," Shade said. "Good morning. I hope you'll forgive me; today isn't the day for that. Today is for two women to reconnect, for tears, for love." She was right.

Turning to Destiny, I said, "I told Shade I loved her when she brought coffee." Destiny laughed. "I'm not so sure about that now." We all laughed.

"What do you want on this?" I shook my head.

"Please let me do it. It will feel good to do something as simple as put butter on a bagel."

"We have cream cheese, too, if you care for some." I pursed my lips.

"Normally I'd say no way, but a few extra calories for fuel might not be a bad idea this morning."

***

It felt impossible but as we all got out of the car and crossed the street I was even more nervous. The elevator ride was painfully slow. We walked down the corridor. Shade had told me in the car that she'd called and Kara was sleeping. I thought that was wonderful, though it meant I'd have to wait a while longer to see her.

I used my key to open the door after two long and one short knock, per Shade. The condo was quiet. Three short, black haired Asian women stared, guns in hand. As soon as they saw who we were the weapons disappeared. Destiny took my hand and smiled at me. Shade and a woman who appeared to be in charge were talking. Shade nodded and turned to me.

"Kai said Kara ate every bit of her breakfast and said it looked like she could have eaten more. She's been asleep for about an hour. I'm going to send them home, Lissy. Destiny and I can wait with you."

I walked up to the short, slender woman Shade had called Kai and hugged her. "Thank you so much." I looked at the other two. "Thank you too." They smiled. They all put on coats, hats, and more, bowed to Shade, who returned the honor, waved to Destiny and me, and left.

I threw my coat on a chair and said, "I'll make coffee for us. Make yourselves comfy while we wait."

We sat quietly with our coffee, Shade and Destiny on the couch and me on a stool facing the bedroom.

"You okay?"

"To be completely honest, no. And coffee probably doesn't help my nerves but it sure does hit the spot." I put the cup down and headed for the fridge. "Maybe there's something here I can pick at." I opened the fridge when I got there. The evidence of my visit last night stared back at me. "Oh god, I stopped for dinner before I came here and completely forgot I'd brought takeout to tide me over. Are either of you hungry?" Two heads shook.

"Okay, then I'm going to destroy the evidence." I winked; they laughed - and looked at each other.

I had leftovers in my mouth when I saw the door open. There she was - blonde, gorgeous, mine... I think. Sleep left her eyes at half mast; it must have been the laughter that woke her. Why? It didn't register that it was me staring at her with my mouth open. Until it did.

She slumped against the door frame and put her hands over her mouth. I smiled as I put my cup down on the counter.

I hurried to my Kara, who was shaking her head in disbelief.

We were both crying. I took her in my arms and held her. Her fingers clawed at me, holding me close.

I'm sorry if this is hard to read or hard to believe. It was miserable and wonderful and, for the first time since the end of August, I felt whole again.

I grabbed a handful of blonde, tilted her tear stained face back a bit, and kissed her, tenderly and hungrily.

She barely responded.

Stunned, I pulled back a little and whispered, "What's the matter, lover?" She shook her head.

"I can't Lissy. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's not us. It's me. I can't."

Lissy, don't be greedy here. You don't know very much about what's been going on. You need to be patient, give her room, give her time.

I know that, you idiot. I don't want sex, I want to kiss her.

I know. Look in her eyes if you can. She's not making a lot of eye contact with you. Pay attention to that.

Yeah okay.

"How about we go into the bedroom and talk?" She eyed me suspiciously. I smiled. "Talk!" She nodded.

"Shade, Destiny, we're going to go into the bedroom for a little while. If it's not too much to ask, could the two of you please stay?"

"Of course; take as much time as you need."

I took your hand, led you to the bedroom, and closed the door behind us.

I asked, "How are you?"

You shrugged and said, "I don't know actually. I'm glad you're here, so happy to see you. And I'm frightened, scared shitless that I fucked things up for us. I missed you like you wouldn't believe." I smiled.

"I missed you like you wouldn't believe. It was like half of me was gone. Come on, let's sit on the bed and talk."

You shook your head and said, "I'll sit on the floor. You go sit. I can't be close to you." My heart sank.

"Kara Ann, what on earth? I know you lost your job, okay?" I saw your face fall and your shoulders slump. "Whatever lover. We're not going to fix this in a day. It's going to take time. One of the cops at the station where you were being held mentioned you looked like you were on something." I saw your eyes narrow. "Care to share?"

"She has me on Oxy... Oxycodone." I felt myself pale and saw you nod. "I'm pretty sure I'm hooked."

"Oh my god, lover, that's miserable. Why?"

"At first I went to Veronica on my own." Veronica? "Then they started to chain me, keep me... She did things to me." I saw you scratch your legs and wondered. Your nails were ugly, nothing like what you'd had before.

"Well, unless you want to tell me some of it we'll leave it for another time. Do you know what happened last night? Or was it this morning when Shade's people sprung you?" You smiled.

"That was pretty good thinking getting her involved, Lissy. She's got some sort of gang, I think. It was very early this morning. I'm not sure about all of it; I was back in the dungeon after we got back from the police station. I was tired, strung out, and cold. Usually Veronica kept me drugged. It got so I looked forward to it. The numbness made... it bearable; the pain I mean." I brought my hands to my mouth.

When I had gathered myself, I said, "Her name is Becky, Becky Reynolds. I went on a couple of dates with her." I hate telling her but I have to come clean. "I kissed her, Kara, and I hate myself for admitting it, but I liked it."

I got my first smile - one of thosesmiles, then you said, "Good! You did the right thing, baby." My heart soared. "There was no guarantee you'd ever find me, see me again. Hell, I didn't know if I wanted to see you again, as much as it killed me that we haven't been together." You giggled. "Besides, you're a goddamn good kisser." I laughed.

"So are you, blondie." I felt my insides loosen a little as we began to fall back into our rhythm. "So why wouldn't you kiss me back in the living room?" Your head dropped and you shook it.

"Not today please. This isn't the right time." I felt a chill pass through me as my brain scanned through the possible reasons why you would say what you had in the dead tone you used.

Don't push her. She's fragile. Tell her about the kids. She might like knowing they're okay, that they missed her,

I nodded. "The kids have never stopped asking about you, Kara. At first they couldn't understand why we weren't together. Then they were concerned that neither of us had called the other." Head down, you smiled and nodded. "Columbus Day weekend was fun. Ian, Jenna and the baby were in town for the long weekend and stayed at the house. We also celebrated JR's birthday. He was out of his mind that I was able to get him tickets to two Blackhawk games."

"That's too cute. How are Rach and June doing? I missed all of you, obviously, but we spent lots of fun time with them."

"They're both fine. They're getting their own apartment the first of the year. June is getting a paying full time job then."

Your voice rang with enthusiasm as you said, "That's fantastic. They must be so excited." Just as quickly you looked subdued and shook your head. "I'm such a mess. I'm not going to be able to spend Christmas with you and your family."

I leapt from the bed and crawled to where you sat. Part of me wanted to tear the clothes from the body I know so well. Kitty was banging the drum for me to do just that - and not slowly. As I looked at you, slumped, my eyes teared. I got as close to you as I could, leaned in, and lifted your chin.

"May I tell you something?" You shrugged off my finger, your chin drooping again. "I have 3 children, Kara. I love them like nothing you could ever imagine." I lifted your chin and looked into dull blue eyes. "I can say, without a doubt, that having you back is the best Christmas present I've ever received."

"How do we put us back together again? I fucked up. I let that bitch get between us. I hate myself, Lissy. You can't imagine. I wanted to die. I let Veronica fuck me up, not like Alexis did, but I wanted, needed the pain." I shivered. "The drugs were more than a sedative. The more of them I took, the less I felt when she was... doing what she did." 

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This isn't like you, Kara. Have you given up on yourself? What did I do on that miserable Sunday? Did I overreact by driving back to the city and leaving you alone?

I reached for you and turned you on your side. I saw your eyes go blank.

"No, Kara, I just want to hold you. Please? May I?" I felt myself on the verge of tears again. "I don't know how bad it was for you, and it's killing me to hear you, hear your voice. It's so dead, so devoid of emotion." I hesitated. "Would it be okay to cuddle?" You nodded, your eyes still dead. Okay, I'm so not doing this when she's like this.

I scooted closer, put an arm under yours, lifted you to my lap, pulled you to me, and held you close. I felt you tense when I picked you up but you relaxed when you realized what I was doing. It took a little while but your arm went around my waist and held me to you. Several minutes later the tears started. Yours started mine. Lovers held each other and sobbed, happy to be together after so long. Each of us in what I suspected was our own private hell.

I have no idea how long we cried. And it was a while after we stopped that we let each other go.

"Would you please kiss me?" I cried out in ecstasy, fell to the floor, took you in my arms and kissed you like you were water and I was near death from dehydration.

That urge to rip your clothes off threatened to take hold of me. I think kitty had more than a little something to do with it. Who knows how much yours was communicating with mine as our lips and tongues were doing what they were.

And hands. And hips. And that 'no sex' thing nearly went by the books. It took every bit of self control to stop myself. Kitty may never talk to me again. You are more important than that needy, greedy wench.

The kissing and other stuff stopped and giggling started. Mad, crazy, foolish giggling that quickly turned into both of us on our backs, pounding our fists on the floor. And, wonder of wonders, turning to each other and starting up again.

"Still love me?" Giggle.

"Still love me?" More giggling.

"You know kitty has been on a virtual hunger strike the whole time."

You cried.

Oh god... what have I done!! Just that fast you turned away from me, curled into a ball, and cried. Hard, gut wrenching sobs. I knew enough not to reach for you, to comfort you. I had no clue why you were crying.

The sobbing subsided eventually and I was surprised when it was replaced by light snoring. I waited and waited and waited. I didn't dare turn my shoulder to look for a clock for fear of waking you. I finally slithered my arm from beneath you and crawled away. Climbing to my feet, I walked to the door, opened it, and closed it behind me.

Both Shade and Destiny were on the couch. Each had coffee in hand.

"There's coffee made, honey. Go pour a cup." I did.

"How is she?" Shade asked as I sat on the floor in front of them.

"She's a mess." I blinked back tears. "I have no idea what those two idiots did to her but she's messed up. And drugged up as well if what she told me is any indication."

"What?" Destiny's one word was as much a demand for information as a question.

I looked at her and said, "Oxycodone; it seems Becky, maybe Bette, kept her drugged, maybe to control her. I didn't have the heart to press her for details. I'm not sure how hooked on them she is but I think it's more likely than not that she's pretty dependent on them." I bolted from my chair. "I better go see if she's okay. If you need to go, please do."

"We're here until we don't need to be, Lissy." Shade's voice was calm and matter of fact. I turned.

"How do I ever thank you both for all you've done for me... for us?" They both smiled.

"Go look after the woman you love!" was Destiny's response. Shade nodded.

I opened the door, froze, and cried out. You were gone. You had to be in the bathroom. I tried to push the door open; it took every bit of effort.

"Kara!!" Panic in my voice, I screamed it.

"Leave me alone."

"I will NEVER leave you again, lover. Never! Let me in please." I pushed at the door. I felt hands on either side of me. Destiny? Shade? The three of us pushed so I could get into the bathroom. I found you slumped on the floor, barely conscious. "Kara!! Oh my god, NO! Don't do this. Don't leave me, baby, not after all this time." I fell to my knees, sobbing. "Please don't." I bent and kissed you.

I turned, saw Shade, and said, my voice conveying my panic, "Call for help. I... she... oh my god!"

"Destiny's calling 911, Lissy."

***

It was getting close to 9pm when we said our goodbyes to Kara and headed out.

My final words to her were simple. "Sleep, lover." I smoothed her hair as I looked in dull blues. I was over the moon happy she was away from those two maniacs and out of my mind with concern for her - physically and emotionally.

Shade and Destiny pleaded with me to come back and spend the night with them. I wanted them to drop me at the train, go home, sleep, and drive to the hospital tomorrow. We stood in the hospital lobby and talked.

"I finally called work this afternoon and told them why I wasn't there. I took personal days today and tomorrow. I'll see how Kara is Sunday and make a decision about Monday."

"So you're going home primarily to get your car?"

"Yup, that's pretty much it. That and change my clothes."

"Doesn't it make more sense to stay at Kara's and use her car? The hospital is downtown. A cab wouldn't be the worst option if the weather is a concern." I shook my head.

"As miserable as it was last night, I'm not sure I want to trust cabs. Then again, driving isn't a great option either. This is what I mean. I need to sleep on it and decide some of this tomorrow. If it's not putting you out again I'll take you up on your offer tonight."

"Good, then that's settled. Honey, can you call Connie and have her whip up some light fare for us? We should be able to get to the restaurant in time to have her serve dinner when we arrive." These two are amazing!

That's what we did. Chicken breast, rice, and a veggie made up the menu. Simple and delicious. Connie served the same wine Shade and I for our dinner a little more than a week earlier.

After she left, Destiny said, "You seem to have a new admirer, Lissy."

I rolled my eyes. "Shade told me she's quite a flirt. It's no secret she's drop dead gorgeous. Is she like that all the time?"

"Yup, she's always gorgeous." I laughed at my silly faux pas. "And she's been a flirt since I've known her."

The rest of dinner was fairly quiet. I noticed that Connie didn't bring Shade a bill; no credit card slip, nothing. 

The ride home was quick as the roads had been cleared. I hung up my own coat and turned to my hostesses and friends.

"I don't have words. Thanks to you both, which sounds so completely inadequate for all you've done. I hope I sleep till January." We all laughed. I gave them both kisses. "See you in the morning."

I don't remember falling asleep.

** December 20th **

Lissy

I woke up with a smile on my face for the first time in a long time. Yes, I was worried. But I had seen Kara, kissed her, and held her. We'd figure out the rest. Me? I need a shower, fresh panties, and a change of clothes.

After my shower and the rest of my bathroom stuff I headed to the living room afterward. 

"Good morning to you both. May I pour myself some coffee?" I stopped and gave both women a hug and kiss.

"Help yourself, Lissy. How did you sleep?"

As I poured coffee I said, "It may have been the best night of sleep I've had since the end of August." I asked the awkward question. "Destiny, do you have a pair of panties I could borrow. I hardly want to spend another minute in what I wore the last two days."

"Dear god, woman, why didn't you say somet... oh never mind. All you could think about was seeing your honey. Of course, let me get you something." I laughed.

"I have a robe on so I'm decent. We can sit for a bit and talk before we..." I was too late; she was turning the corner into their bedroom. I looked at Shade, who smiled. "That woman of yours has a great heart, Shade."

Destiny called to me. "I'll leave these on the bed."

"I have to leave, Lissy," Shade said, "but I wanted to see you first. I made some calls last night before we went to sleep. Friends of mine know people who have found themselves addicted to the drug that's giving Kara some trouble. I should have the name of a rehab facility very soon." My jaw dropped as she had talked. This woman amazes me!

Destiny looked at me as she came back, laughed, walked to Shade, kissed her warmly and said, "You're not the first person to have that look on her face, Lissy. She can pull some remarkable rabbits out of her hat." I shook my head.

"I appreciate it, Shade, more than I can express. The two of you have... I don't even know how to put the words together."

"Take care of that girl of yours, Lissy, and take care of you too." She said that as she stood from the chair. She bent and kissed me, her hand softly caressing my cheek, dark brown eyes warm. "It's our pleasure to help; believe that."

The two of them walked to the door, kissed, soft words were whispered, and Shade gave a little wave as she left.

Destiny asked, "May I drive you back to the hospital before I go to work, Lissy?" I smiled.

***

I sat in a chair, watching Kara sleep, and sipping coffee. A pretty woman, maybe about my age, came into the room.

"Oh, hi, I'm Susan. I'm taking care of our patient. I must have missed you when you walked past the nurse's station."

"Hi, Susan, I'm Lissy Stone. Kara is the love of my life." She smiled. 

"Good for the two of you. She had a good night; slept very well according to morning report. She may be discharged if it's determined she's not a danger to herself. If it's okay to ask, will she be going home with you?" No hesitation.

"Absolutely. Are you aware of her possible drug addiction?" She nodded.

"Yup. It's not a fun drug to get out of your system. Do you have any idea how long she's been abusing it?" I gave her a very brief overview of the last few months.

"I'm sorry I can't be more specific. Has Kara been helpful with that?"

"No." We both turned. "I want out of this place. You left me again, Lissy." She shook her head. "We've been apart for all this time and you left me twice on the day we finally saw each other again." Twice? Oh, yeah... right. Geez!




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 04







Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 04



"You were your usual sexual dynamo this morning, lover. If you have these little speed bumps for a while as you get back to normal we'll just adjust. If memories get in the way they get in the way. We'll take it anyway you feel it. We got ourselves into this mess together and each of us will do what we have to in order to make it better... us better." 

Kara nodded and said, "Yeah, that's good, I like that. She pulled away from my neck and looked at me with red, swollen eyes. "I had myself convinced we were never going to find each other. That scared me more than anything, Lissy. The longer we were apart the more hopeless I felt." Her eyes dropped as she said, "I let myself get numb with that shit Veronica gave me. I looked forward to the beatings; welcomed them actually. If I couldn't be with you I didn't care about anything."

It scared the life out of me to hear my Kara talk like that; filled me with self loathing too. My anger that Sunday afternoon spurred me to drive home in silent anger and leave Kara to fend for herself. I had to help her first and most importantly but I had my own remorse to deal with. Hello extended sessions with... shiver... someone new! I kissed my honey.

I took Kara's hand and put it between my breasts. She lifted her head from my shoulder again and looked at me.

"I know a lot's happened, a lot of time has gone by, Kara, but I'm yours, whenever, wherever." I saw her eyes fill. "It's okay, blondie, cry if you want to, all you want. We can make love now, later, tomorrow, whenever. We'll deal with your demons and those miserable memories. I have my own demons to deal with too." I moved her hand to my breast.

"I want you too, lover. You make my heart soar and my body sing. I love you, Kara Ann." She cried, I cried, we cried.

***

Neither of us was very hungry so dinner was very light, a salad for both of us. We had changed out of clothes into robes, sat on the couch in the great room with a roaring fire and a blanket to warm us, a glass of wine in our hands. We had talked in soft tones, kissed when we felt like it, and just enjoyed being back together again.

After the lights had been turned off and the house locked for the night, we had done our bathroom things and were in bed, together, arms and legs around each other, face to face. I pushed some blonde off Kara's face, kissed her nose, and said, "What do you want for Christmas, little girl?" She giggled and squirmed against me.

"Lissy, this, being in bed with you, is not just a dream come true, it's the best Christmas present I've ever had. As scared as I am of what's ahead I'm so happy to be with you, home again, as it were. So kiss me will ya?"

Oh you know I will lover, you know I will!!!!

** December 22nd **

I woke up Sunday in my favorite place -- in the arms of my honey. Bright sunlight streamed in the bedroom as I watched the blonde of my heart sleep as peacefully as a baby. She's my baby all right!! And she's all woman. Word! It will come as no surprise that I giggled at my silly thoughts. Said giggles woke my honey, who smacked her lips and shivered for some unknown reason. Several blinks of her eyes led to her focusing, which led to smiling, which led to that kissing thing we do... which I'm totally sure you're all tired of by now.

39 rolled 56 to her back (wink!) just like I wanted her to and began to play the famous 'Risk' game on my body, capturing various and sundry pieces parts with her lips, tongue and fingers. Like the Lilliputians captured Gulliver, I was rendered inert one limb at a time. She had her way with me; me, the willing prisoner. Willing -- as in my legs spread wide, arms over my head, panting, shivering, south forty gushing, heart pounding, kitty giggling.

"Take me... please," I said, gasped actually, as she wrecked me an inch at a time. The bitch kept me on edge for what I'm sure was 10 minutes past desperation. My fingers tore at her hair to no avail. She feasted at my devil's banquet and left me quite unrequited. "How can you do this to the one you love?" was said between pants, desperately. She laughed.

I locked my fingers in blonde and held her face to kitty, demanding an end game to this erotic pleasure cruise. I had her face but she controlled her fingers. Oh the 'damage' they did! Kitty screamed with delight as she pulsed, our orgasm roaring through her. I think she moaned as I ground myself to her. Her fingers wrecked me; her tongue and lips left me gasping. I vaguely remember whimpering when I thought she was done with me... only to sigh when she started again.

***

Soft blues laughed at me as we sat in the kitchen having brunch, which followed a longish nap, which followed... that.

"Pretty happy with yourself aren't you?" Giggling and nodding followed.

"Why wouldn't I be? I made you, my miss, beg me to stop. And I hadn't even really started." I shivered.

"This age thing is annoying, blondie. You just start to get your second or third... whatever the hell it is. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep when you're through with me." I eyed her. "Did you miss me or did you miss that?" She giggled.

"Yes."

"You suck and you know it. Answer my goddamn question!"

My cell phone rang. Crap!

It was Shade. Talk about your blondie interruptus!

"Hey lady, how goes it?" She laughed.

"So you two are doing what we just finished doing a little bit ago, huh?" So much for inscrutable.

"Whether it was just about finished or just about to begin is debatable. What's the verdict about tomorrow?"

"Much to my surprise, Destiny insisted on coming to your home. She believes that Kara being in a familiar environment will be beneficial. I couldn't find an argument to counter her logic that made sense, truth be told. She asked what time you usually left for work and I gave her what I thought was a reasonable estimate -- given the time of year and weather."

I nodded and said, "Okay, well, I'm guessing she'll be here around 8. We'll be up, dressed, and I'll be ready to be on the road." I paused a moment before saying, "Thank you, Shade. I'll hope to spend a few minutes with Destiny tomorrow to thank her as well. You both have been so much more than helpful... oh god that word sounds desperately inadequate." I shook my head. "I owe you both so much!" I felt my eyes tear. I had to clear my throat. "I love you! Thank you for..." my emotions got the best of me. Helpless, I cried.

"Lissy, we both love you and Kara. I'm so happy to help. You can't even begin to imagine. It's a miracle that Destiny and I are together after how we started out. It's a blessing... words can't begin to explain... that she and I can help the two of you. I'll say goodbye for now. Have a delicious Sunday." I laughed. Really, what else was there to do?

Kara had eyed me with curiosity as Shade and I talked.

"Destiny's coming here?" I had gotten up to get a tissue for my eyes and nose and nodded. "Good, I think I'd like to be here." She eyed me then said, "You sure you trust her... them?" I was a little startled before realizing something.

"Honey, it's been so hectic I don't remember if I mentioned this. The night you were in jail, the night Barb called me, was the night of that horrific snowstorm. In the middle of all that mess I called them from the station... oh shit, maybe it was from the cab. Whatever; point is, they came -- no questions asked. They took me home on the chance that her people would find you, free you and... well, we know how that worked out. Anyway, point is -- they, more Shade than Destiny, but that's not the point. They have been beyond helpful in all of this. Destiny is taking a day off work to come stay with you while I'm at work. I'm planning on taking a vacation day Christmas Eve so we'll see how that all shakes out, okay?"

Blondie had equal parts surprise and amusement in her eyes through a good portion of what I'd said. I had no way of knowing if she'd forgotten the details or if I had told her and forgotten that I had. It didn't damn well matter one little bit!

"I'm kinda excited, baby. She seems like lots of fun what I remember of her that night we were out clubbing." The blues sparkled as she said, "She's real cute, too! Maybe I'll make more than just a friend." I laughed.

"Oh yeah right!! You really want Shade and her friends on your ass?" The blues got real wide with realization.

"Uh, yeah, that's a good point; no, not so much!" We both laughed.

"Now that tomorrow is settled, got any ideas what to do?" I laughed. You probably guessed that the blues sparkled with lust. "Why is that look not a surprise?"

"Because you lubs me and want me to want you as much as I want you to want me." I shook my head.

"Lubs? Really?" My blonde pouted gloriously.

"I've already explained this. You're not the only one who can make up words! And you do -- want me that is."

What could I do but giggle. "Yeah, I do." Serious giggling ensued.

"I can see that being your wedding vow. 'Yeah, I do.'" I giggled and blushed AND nodded.

"I do." 

I don't know why but all out of nowhere I started to cry. About ten seconds later I figured it out. It had been forever that Kara and I had been apart. I had thought about her getting married thing; it seems she hadn't forgotten it either.

"Are we gonna be okay, baby?"

"Kara, in my heart of hearts I... oh my god I so want us to be." I leaned in and kissed her. When we parted, I smiled and said, "You have to know, just like I do, that we both have tons of shit we have to deal with." I took her chin in my hand as a point of emphasis. "You have reasons to be angry with me. I have reasons to be angry with you. And, beyond that, we each have shit to deal with that has ZERO to do with any of this crap." Kara nodded at that. 

I continued, saying, "This is going to be hard. There's no way to soft pedal that. Can we survive?" It broke my heart to look away but I had to. I took a deep breath before saying, "I promise you one thing, Kara. I will do every goddamn last thing I know how to fix me so that I can be a better partner for you. I want to be your wife, woman." I saw the blues tear and said, "I want to wake up with you, go to sleep with you, be your everything all the time, forever." I knew tears weren't far behind when I said, "You have my word that I'll do my share so that we can make our dreams come true."

***

Yup, we cried for a bit after I finished talking about my dreams of marrying Kara. Afterward, I talked Kara into going to my club with me. It wasn't a titanic struggle or anything; she actually voiced appreciation while we worked out.

"You told me that you'd been working out regularly for some time, Lissy," she said as we toweled off and sipped on water between sets. "If we're going to be spending time here fairly exclusively maybe we ought to talk to someone about me getting some sort of membership."

"I'll bet there's some sort of New Year promotion going on. We can check with the Membership people on the way out." 

We did. A very young and somewhat mousy Sara took us through the options. First off, she asked about residency.

"Kara's my girlfriend. We live together. I'm a resident." I showed her my membership card. She checked her computer and nodded. I'll keep this short. We chose a 90 day membership which was expensive but the resident rate helped. 

Kara complained about the money on the ride home. I agreed, saying, "It's always best if you commit for a longer term but that doesn't make sense for you right now. We can make the most of the 90 days to help get you back in a regular routine. Having you along will help me stick with it as well." She nodded.

"And we'll both benefit in the bedroom." I couldn't stop laughing. "What? It makes perfect sense doesn't it?"

Still laughing, I said, "Of course it does, lover. It's just that you keep bringing things back to the bedroom." I snorted and continued. "Better things than people." That sent her off on a laughing jag. Anyone riding next to us would have seen two crazies laughing like the loons we are!

We showered (together!) and had a light dinner. Kara surprised me, declaring that she wanted to go shopping.

"You're working tomorrow and there's NO way in hell either of us will want to go anywhere near a mall on Christmas Eve." True that! "After seeing the girls yesterday I made up my mind that I'd like to buy something for your kids. There's time. The stores won't close till late. We'll have at least a good 2 hours." It's hard to say no to that!

We bundled up and headed to Old Orchard. We could have gone to Northbrook Court; it really didn't matter. They both had many of the same stores: A&F, Ann Taylor, Banana Republic. Northbrook Court has Needless Markup, Old Orchard has Nordstrom. In other words -- we had plenty to choose from; more than enough actually. I didn't bore you by naming all of the stores and I won't by telling you where we shopped. Kara was very happy with her purchases; very happy.

"It's too damn cold for this, blondie," was said between kisses as you did your best to undress me in the parking lot. Yes, the covered parking lot kept some of the wind at bay. 'Some' was the operative word. Cold hands slid under my sweater. My decision not to wear a bra, at blondie's behest, came back to haunt me. Pretty much anyway. The girls loved it; the two of them are touchy feely bimbos anyway.

"You so will not!" was screeched when you tried to open the belt of my slacks. Kara giggled madly. You tried to get me to go commando; I obviously didn't have an understanding of what the plan was. Kitty, the slut, was soaking wet despite my protests. I bet you know what really worried me. Yup, I was terrified you'd duplicate the Saturday night parking lot caper from Michigan. The circumstances, location and temperature made me pretty sure you wouldn't. Pretty sure!!

There was one other thing that we had to concern ourselves with: Mall security! Mm hmm. They were especially alert during the frantic wrap-up of the Christmas shopping season; and they were mobile. I was near panic status on two fronts: the blonde induced orgasm that was treacherously close to tearing me apart and, given how late it was, there were nowhere near as many cars to provide us... ME with much needed cover.

I gave in. You were driving me wild with your ministrations. I let you push my slacks and panties past my knees and finish what you'd started and cried out as it took me over. I strained frantically to push against your fingers and, now, mouth as they did what they were doing to kitty and a very prominent Ms. P. Kara's free hand was under my sweater and was making Sally's nipple into a hard, frozen peak. My god! I had forgotten the extent of the damage an unleashed blonde could do to me. I mean -- it had been since this morning!!! Me: giggling.

***

Someone lay in a heap in our bed. Blonde was everywhere in complete disarray, wet tendrils strewn on a red face. Her pert chest heaved; limbs quaked and shivered. Goose bumps fought for floor space on jam packed platform. My head rested on a thigh that shook as my fingers traced lightly over slightly damp skin. I smiled, knowing I'd left her even more helpless than she had me a bit earlier.

She knew what was coming too. Egged me on the whole way home too as I lay with my head against the window!

"You're out of practice old lady." Old? You bitch! There was more but you get the idea.

Time passed; blondie finally said, "Ya got me, baby." I laughed.

"I know, and it has nothing to do with what just happened or what's left of you." She chortled.

"Yeah, and I'm glad. Way more than glad if you want to know." I did know; I was too. Kara surprised me by crying. Well, I was a little surprised. I let her cry it out. I think she was feeling what I know I had been these last few days. It was a delicate combination, for me anyway, of relief, joy, and regret. Add more than a pinch of remorse for good measure.

I scooted my way north as the tears flowed, covered her body with mine and waited, my head in the cove of her neck. Kara snuffled as the crying ebbed. I reached and dragged covers up and over us both. We both shivered as cold sheets covered somewhat chilled skin. She didn't talk so I kept quiet, kissing her neck softly as my right hand cupped her face.

"Will you still love me in the morning?" I kept quiet for a moment as I wondered if there was a punch line coming.

I nodded even as I said, "You know I will, blondie." My response was met with a deep sigh.

"Can I get a kiss goodnight?" I smiled and pushed up and off so that I could look at sleepy blues. She smiled at me.

"I love you." She blinked. "I'll be here when you wake up. I'll be home after work and I'll be here all day Tuesday. We'll have Christmas with my kids Wednesday. I don't know about the rest and it doesn't matter. The point is -- you're home, Kara. We're together. Today was lovely. They won't all be this good. There's lots of work to do. Some of our days will suck. We have to deal with your job and more." She started to speak; I shushed her with a kiss. She tried to talk again and I kissed her quiet again. "You can try if you want. I'm going to kiss you quiet." She giggled.

"One of these days we'll get it figured out. When we do we'll move in together and live like a couple all the time." I nodded as I smiled in the dark. "I love you."

"I love you." I kissed the woman I love. "The best thing about waking up may be Folgers in your cup; I prefer to think that the high point of the day is waking up to you next to me. Like you, I look forward to the day we do so every day."

Blondie purred contentedly and hugged me to her neck. I settled into her with a smile on my face and in my heart.

** December 23rd **

Thick gray clouds hung low in the sky when we woke Monday. The fact that I was going to work and the fact that we had a guest coming at 8 didn't prevent Kara from attempting to keep me in bed long after I needed to be up.

"The door bell is going to ring soon, blondie," was said with her lips pressed to mine. "I need to get going here." With a sigh she uncoupled herself from me. I gave her a quick peck and hustled into the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth while peeing when Kara wandered in. She winked and turned on the shower. 

"I thought I'd give ya a head start, baby." I was suspicious. She came and kissed me. "Nothing is more romantic than your honey on the pot with a mouth full of toothpaste." I giggled; you would too. I wiped, flushed and stood.

"Your turn." I rinsed and stepped into the shower.

Showering together was almost a holy event especially after being apart for so long. Kara likes the water a bit hotter than I do, which works out to a few degrees short of scalding. I dialed it down; she turned it back up when she joined me. I shook my head. All of this was standard morning ritual.

"None of your funny business this morning; are we clear?" She nodded as she hummed 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.' This had all the makings of a spectacular train smash which was not what I needed today.

We washed the other's hair; it's still among the most luxurious delights in the world!! As I rinsed the last of the bubbles out her hair, Kara turned and kissed me. "I love you too!" I said. She squeezed a healthy dose of body wash on my hands; I saw the blues twinkle. I made quick work of washing her, lingering on the pieces parts you'd imagine I would. Yes, I needed 2nd and 3rd helpings for her legs, feet and back. I love every inch of her; just not this Monday morning.

The blues were still twinkling with what I feared was mischief. I usually just go along for the ride. I could miss a train and get in a few minutes late... okay, sometimes more. There was a hard deadline this morning. Did that matter? No. I made it all the way through her extensive washing of me with no hijinks. I was sitting on the bench and she was washing my foot when she leaned in between my legs. I put my hand on her forehead.




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 04



"Please don't." The blues showed her disappointment. "You know I love how you love me, Kara, but not today. Please. We have to get dressed and be ready when Destiny comes. I have to work tomorrow, but after Christmas there's not much else going on. There will be more than enough quiet time for us to love."

Kara got to her feet and turned off the water. "Okay, you win. I don't want you to stress out." I got up and wrapped my arms around her. She pushed my arms away. "No, we have to get dressed."

"I just wanted to give you a kiss, lover." She shook her head and opened the door. Okay, I'm not gonna make a big deal out of this. I'm the one who stopped her.

We dried each other off as was our custom. Each of us blew our hair dry, me as quickly as I could. I looked in the mirror and was shocked at what I saw. Carefree and happy a moment ago, something had changed. Kara looked to be on edge. I couldn't imagine why and it bugged me that I didn't have time to find out.

I dressed quickly, choosing a navy blue wool dress with half sleeves in a simple A-line design. Red pumps worked. I had makeup in my purse; I can put it on at work. As I came out of the closet I opened my mouth to ask Kara for her opinion but stopped in my tracks. Her eyes looked vacant, her face drawn, worried, and deathly pale. The transformation was so complete it took my breath away. I took her hand, pulled her to her feet and hugged her. She responded tepidly.

"Come on you, we'll go downstairs and wait. I'll put coffee on." We started down the stairs, none too quickly. Still holding her hand I headed to the kitchen. "Sit, honey, I'll make toast or something while the coffee's brewing. A nod was her reply. I put in a filter, measured the coffee, and turned it on. Kara stared vacantly out the window. What on earth happened? I split a bagel and put it in the toaster. It popped up before the coffee finished dripping. Margarine and a bit of strawberry preserves -- half a bagel for each of us. I put the plates on the table and went to get the coffee.

"Ah, that's much better," I said as I put coffee on the table. Kara watched as I sat. "Honey, what's going on?"

"Going on? Nothing, why?" The tone was listless, lifeless.

"You were bubbly and bright when we woke up and in the shower. Some kind of pall has come over you. I can't figure it out for the life of me. What's the matter?" The doorbell rang; I stood. "Oh good, she's here. Let me go say hello."

** Kara **

The doorbell put me on edge. We had discussed it and at the time it seemed like a good idea but now that it was here, I'm not feeling great about it. Why do these women want to help me... us? They must have an angle... a motive. I can't do this! They are going to hurt me... hurt Lissy! "NO!! Don't open the door!" Every cell of my body is shaking, afraid. I can't move... I can't stop her!

At the door already, Lissy stops and jerks her body around at my outburst. Her eyes are worried; one look and she hurries to me. "Lover, what is it?" One hand holds me close around my waist while the other caresses my cheek. I can feel my body instantly relax against hers, her touch and voice my compass.

"I'm scared... they might hurt us." The tears start as I bury my face in her neck. Both her arms are now tight around me, rocking me gently.

Her calm tone soothes me as she says, "Kara, no, they won't hurt us." Kisses in my hair. "You're home now; no one is going to hurt you..." Her voice catches, "... ever again." I nod, smearing tears and icky on her dress. "Okay lover, will you sit on the couch for me while I get the door?" I nod again. She walks me backwards, waits as I sit and pulls a blanket around me. Pulling my knees up and putting my head down, I try to just breathe. Her hand stays in my hair for just a moment before she heads back to the door.

Lissy's face must have shown my distress because I hear the door open and then just quiet movements, maybe a few whispers. It is hard to hear much at all; I'm fading. I lean into the corner cushions and sleep takes me, my body, my soul, exhausted.

** Lissy and Destiny **

Destiny and I kissed after I closed the door. She looked at me and said, "What's wrong, Lissy, you look upset?"

I answered in a whisper, saying, "I'm not sure. Kara was fine when we woke up, very cuddly, and she was her usual playful self in the shower." Destiny smiled. "I was figuring out what to wear in the closet. I came out to find her face drawn, a vacant look in her eyes. She had gotten very pale as well." Her pretty face showed confusion.

"Just like that?" I nodded.

"She was happy Kara when I walked in to get dressed and, for lack of a better term, a mess when I came out." I lifted my hands, palms up, in a universal gesture. "We came downstairs, I made coffee and bagels. She never touched hers. As a matter of fact, let me take your coat. I may as well have something to eat while we're talking." Destiny took off her coat as I finished; I hung it in the closet, and we headed to the kitchen. "Let me check on my honey." Destiny waited patiently for me to tuck the blanket around blondie. She smiled, took my hand, and we sat. I took a quick sip of coffee.

"Give me your cup, sweetie." I shook my head. "I'll get you a fresh cup and myself some fresh coffee." I came back, set the cup down, and cried. It had to be concern for Kara; this all happened so quickly. I reached for the paper napkins, dabbed at my eyes, and shook my head.

"I've only been around the two of you a handful of times, Lissy, but there's no question that you love your Kara."

"We had talked yesterday that there might be days like this, when she'd feel out of sorts for whatever reason."

"That makes sense," Destiny said, nodding. "The little I know about it suggests that there was some significant trauma."

"Yesterday was the kind of day that makes you forget all that happened since August. I don't know; maybe I should try and limit how much we do each day." Frustrated, I shook my head. "Truth is, Destiny, I'm lost. I just want to help."

She put her hand on mine. "Are you going to be okay going to work with worry on your mind?"

"I guess I have to. You came all the way out here for us. I better get going; let you two do whatever you're going to."

With a sweet smile she said, "I'm going to keep quiet as much as possible and let Kara talk. And if she doesn't want to I'll let her be quiet. I'm here for her; it's by no means an inquisition. Whatever she wants to share, I'll do my best to be supportive and nurturing. I want her to open up to me, but how much is up to her." After a sip of coffee she continued. "Shade and I talked last night and again this morning. We debated whether to ask you for input and decided against it. I want to talk to Kara with a clean slate so to speak; nothing to get in the way of whatever she tells me."

I felt encouraged by what Destiny told me. It helped, knowing she would listen, not having any input other than what she's seen. It made me a lot less nervous about going to work and leaving Kara in the condition I had seen her in.

I dumped the mostly uneaten bagel in the garbage and put the plate and cup in the dishwasher.

"Help yourself to whatever you like, Destiny. I'll say goodbye and get going." She had stood as I talked. She hugged me close, patting my back, doing her best to reassure me. Her smile was warm. I looked at Kara, sleeping, as I put on my coat and muffler. There was a lump in my throat but I pushed it away. You'll be fine, lover. I trust Destiny. Setting the phone (and a note) on the coffee table, I kissed her warm cheek and smiled. Destiny smiled at me again. I whispered, saying, "I love you. Thank you so much."

"Everything will be fine. Go work; we'll see you later."

I went to the garage, opened the door, got in my car, backed up, and headed to the train and work. Ugh! Mondays!

** Kara and Destiny **

Little by little my body begins to wake, to be aware. The shades must be closed but the winter sun is glowing through, casting bursts of light on the floor. I'm curled in a ball, the blanket tucked around me deliberately. My baby's work for sure. She's an expert at tucking me in. It must be the years of motherhood. The thought makes me smile, I stretch and my feet hit something... someone! I scramble to sit, forcing myself as far away as possible on the other end of the couch. I must have startled her as much as she did me; her eyes are wide. I recognize her; she was at my condo after... they brought me from... my mind begins to scramble.

Her eyes soften and she says, "Kara, we haven't officially met I don't think." She waits a moment, gauging if I'm listening, then continues; "I'm Destiny..." another pause. "Shade and I helped Lissy find you and bring you home." There's something about her; sincerity? How can I trust her? Lissy says I can; I trust my baby. You can trust her Kara. My heartbeat begins to slow; I think I can actually hear better now.

"Kara?" Her voice is still even. I blink a few times; my eyes must have glazed over. My body relaxes and I force a brief grin. "If you would like to call Lissy, her phone is right there on the table." She points to my right. I look and Lissy's phone is there with a note underneath. I inch a bit on the couch until I can reach it. I open the folded piece of paper.

Lover... I hated leaving you this morning without saying goodbye but you were sleeping peacefully. I tucked you in and gave you a kiss. Destiny will be there when you wake up; you can trust her, honey. Please talk to her. I think she can help you sort through some of your hurt and confusion. Call me anytime and as much as you need to, but it's also okay if you don't. I'm here for you lover and I'm never... NEVER leaving you again. Yours, xxoo

Again with the tears... Will they ever stop coming? These were happy tears though. I missed her so much, and we are finally back together... and she STILL loves me. I smile, fold it and return it to the table. I won't call yet, I want to be strong. I look back at Destiny; she's been sitting there so patiently. Her aura is peaceful; it comforts me. We smile at each other, confirming we're indeed okay with the situation. It's a simple gesture but it leads the way to our talk.

We start out slow. We talk about how Lissy and I met, her kids, what they thought of us and how we had been looking for a place to move in together. That last is when I start to stumble, to think about how it all had gone so bad so quickly. Destiny realized we had entered the beginning of the serious conversation and inches closer to me on the couch. She doesn't touch me but is close enough that she could if she wanted to. 

"Is this okay Kara?" Her eyes warm, with a soft smile on her lips. I nod. As she moves closer, I get more comfortable. Does that even make sense? Have you ever met someone who exuded that kind of feeling... calmness? Her hand cautiously moves on top of mine, I smile. Her touch feels good. It's not romantic, it's peaceful. 

Her voice is as soft as her touch. "If you want, tell me about Alexis. How she came between you and Lissy." My eyes drop to my lap. I'm so ashamed but I have to tell someone; get it all out.

"Years ago I met... Alexis." Her name has to be forced from my mouth. My voice thickens as I say, "We began as lovers." Thinking of her like that makes me shudder. Destiny squeezes my hand gently and I continue. "When she told me she was a Domme, I was immediately interested in the lifestyle. I'm not entirely sure why but I remember being an eager 'student'. After a while I pushed for more. Our relationship had changed drastically. I was her slave, willingly, and I... I enjoyed it." My voice trails off and my head droops... she must think I'm a freak.

"Kara, look at me." I raise my head slowly until our eyes meet. "Nothing you tell me will make me think any different of you." I shake my head, yeah right. You don't have any idea. My eyes show my skepticism; she responds, "If you think I'm full of shit, wait until you hear about how Shade and I met and fell in love. Trust me, it wasn't common ... and I wouldn't change a thing." There are so many ways you can tell when two people love each other; one is how their body reacts when they say their lover's name. Her face lit up; her shoulders and hands very expressive. I half laugh and, smirking at me, she says, "Yeah, I'm pretty transparent when it comes to my honey. I promise to tell you all about her, us, but today we're here for you." Another gentle squeeze of my hand and I feel my confidence building again.

"As I settled more into my new role, Alexis became bolder. She would push my limits with every session. At some point, I realized that I was withdrawing into myself. I was creating a reality where I deserved the punishment I received. Subconsciously, or maybe it wasn't, I'd purposely disobey and push her to discipline me more often." I hadn't realized I was crying until I saw the tears fall onto Destiny's hand that is still covering mine. 

Her other hand lifts my chin as she says, "Kara, I would like to hold you. May I?" My eyes squint, confused. "It's always easier for me to talk about difficult things when I feel secure. I don't have to, I just want you to know I'm here." Before she gets the last few words out, I scoot until our legs are touching and I lay my head on her shoulder. I can feel her smile as her free hand wraps around my waist and holds me close, keeping her other hand on mine. She is right, I do feel better. 

"Okay then, continue Kara... please."

I swallow hard and take a deep breath, gathering my thoughts. My voice starts out a bit hoarse. "Let me skip to the end... well the end of our relationship." Destiny nods and gives me a squeeze. "I don't remember what I had done to deserve this particular reprimand but Alexis was livid. Normally she was experienced at keeping her feelings in check during our sessions, but she... she wasn't herself. Hit after hit on my legs, my arms, my side... hitting me harder, faster." My body stiffens as I recall that day. Rubbing the top of my hand with her thumb, Destiny urges me to go on. "I screamed out for her to stop... I used our safe word. She didn't... she wouldn't. I remember the blood. It splattered onto her face after one of the strikes, finally snapping her out of her trance. She untied me and I ran. God how I ran, Destiny."

"Oh honey!" Her voice shaky, she rocked me back and forth. "Kara, that's enough for now." I nod and then nuzzle into her neck. I'm not sure if it's okay, but it felt right. She strokes my hair and holds me gently to her. We sit there for however long, just rocking and crying, both of us.

When the tears cease, I lean back to look at this wonderfully compassionate woman. She smiles warmly but I'm pretty sure her eyes are as red and puffy as mine. Her laugh tells me I look a mess. We both giggle. Why? Who knows and who cares. It feels good. She stands and walks away for just a moment, returning with a box of Kleenex. More giggles. We help ourselves to several as we blow noses, rub eyes and try to clean up the best we can. Friendships start many ways, and at this moment, I knew we'd be friends for life. There was that unspoken connection; it was special.

"How about we get something to eat and relax for a bit?" That sounds wonderful! I realize I'm starving. I stand, she follows suit and we head to the kitchen. Breakfast? Lunch? Whatever; it's quiet. We make sandwiches together, sit and eat with almost no words said. I think we both needed a break from the emotional toll of our conversation; a chance to reflect.

Lissy and I have sat at this table many times and eaten our whatever. My mind wanders to her often; each time brings strong feelings. Recently those feelings have been torturous. So much guilt and self-hate but that's over now. I'm thrilled to be home. No, technically this isn't my home, but Lissy is. I'm in awe that she's taken me back, given me another chance. I need to figure out what's wrong with me... I can't mess this up again. She's too important; we're important.

It's been this way since we met - these intense feelings. Who knows what it is; we've both tried many times to understand our connection. We decided it just is. No need to explain. When I saw her at the cocktail party two years ago my heart skipped. It still happens every time I see her, by the way. There was something inside of me drawing me to her. I remember standing there for a few minutes, just watching. My heart began to race as I took her in... how she carried herself, pretended to like her husband (wink), oh and that smile... god, she's beautiful. She's mine. I don't need anything else the rest of my life, as long as I have her.

The clank of the plate in the sink makes me jump. 

"I'm so sorry Kara, I didn't mean to startle you. I could tell you were thinking of something nice. I was trying so hard to be quiet." Isn't she sweet? I smile and shake my head to clear it. She walks back to the table, grabs my plate and says, "Thinking about your honey, huh?"

My smile widens, reaching my eyes. "Am I that obvious?"

She laughs. "Oh, I'm an expert on that look. I know what love looks like, Kara." I stand and walk towards her as she finishes rinsing the plate and putting it in the dishwasher. Do you believe in fate? Shrug. I'm not sure if it's real either, but that night I saw Lissy and whatever brought Destiny and Shade into our lives, it's as close to proof I have that it is. 

She turns and sees me standing behind her, smiles brightly; her green eyes warm and happy. We didn't have to speak; she felt the connection too. I walk another step and wait. She opens her arms and we hug tightly. This wasn't passion. It was compassion, one soul feeding another. It felt so damn good I'm not sure I want to let go. But we had to, and when we step apart, I feel recharged. I'm pretty sure I'm blushing. 

Destiny giggles and says, "Why thank you. That was one of the nicest hugs I've ever received." 

Where did this woman come from? I mean really! What could I do but smile back? I know if I look in the mirror right now my eyes would be bright blue. They change colors a lot, and these are my happy eyes.

"Destiny, would you mind if I call Lissy? She's probably wondering if I'm okay."

"Take your time. I'll be in the living room when you're done."

"Thank you; I'll join you in a few minutes." She walks out as I pull the phone from my robe pocket. Why did I get back into my pajamas?! Okay, first thing's first, call your honey.

I dial and it maybe rings once. "Kara! How are you lover?" Before I could get half a word out she blurts, "Are you okay? God, I'm so sorry for leaving. I can come home..."

"Lissy?"

"No lover, I know. Just let me tell my boss and I'll be home in... what's the time... one fifteen... half hour at most. Will you be okay until I..."

"Baby?" Her words were flying out a mile a minute. I almost don't want to stop her, she's so adorable.

"Is Destiny still there? Tell her to stay until I get there, okay?" Geez, just stop already!

"Lissy!" No, I didn't yell. Just enough zip on it to get her attention.

"Sorry, I'm a mess it seems. Go ahead."

"I'm fine really." Her sigh of relief is loud through the phone. I should have called sooner. "Destiny is... amazing. I don't know why but I feel so at ease with her. We stumbled a bit when I woke up but she had me talking soon enough and then I just... it just started coming out. I hope this doesn't upset you, but I've told her things I haven't told anyone."

"Oh Kara... no, I'm not upset." I can hear the tears in her voice, "That is the most wonderful news. Shade said she thought you and Destiny would hit it off and she was obviously right. How could I be upset about you finding a way to get all of that... whatever... sadness... anger... out of you? No lover, I'm happy, so happy!" .My heart is strumming wildly, as usual. I'm elated to hear her approval but a stabbing pain hit me when she said 'anger'. It brought back the memory of our horrible encounter. I still have a lot to talk about, stuff to work through. I can't EVER do that again. I'll leave before I hurt her again. My mind is off and running, forgetting my baby is on the phone. 




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 04



"Lover? Are you there? Did you hear what I said, that I'm happy?!"

"Yes, yes of course baby; sorry. I'm so relieved you're happy. I really do need to get all of this out of me... figure out how to deal with what happened. Lissy..."

The way my voice tapers at the end, she knew. "Lover, stop. We have to talk about it and we will. Right now, you need to deal with all of these feelings. Until you do that, we can't be sure it won't happen again."

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry." The tears pour out. "It can't ever..."

"Kara Anne! You listen to me!" Her mom voice grabbing my attention, "You will not cry about it. I know you don't want to hurt me. That it wasn't on purpose. I'm here; I'm not going anywhere! Ever! Do you hear me?! Ever!" Her tone is ragged; she's barely holding it together herself. This is not an easy conversation, especially over the phone... at work! I'm such an idiot. 

"Yes baby, I hear you. I love you Lissy. I'm pretty sure I always have and I know I always will." That did it, her dam breaks. The sobs are loud and deep. Nice job Kara, so much for reeling it in so she could get back to work. I can't help it though. These words, these feelings; I couldn't hold them in. It's all true; she's a part of me. I wait a couple of minutes, letting her get it out, feeling helpless. 

"Shhh baby... feel my arms around you. I wish I could hold you. I'm a brat for doing this to you while you're at work."

Through her sniffles Lissy says, "Honey, I needed that cry and I needed to hear those words. I'm the luckiest girl in the world, possibly even the universe. We'll get through this and every other thing life tries to throw at us." I truly don't deserve her, but hell if I'm ever going to let her out of my life again.

"Yeah we will." That almost sounded confident. My smile permeates in my voice, "Now, get back to work! And get that pretty ass of yours home ASAP!"

Her laugh melts my heart. "Will do! Toodles!" She hung up before I can respond, which is probably a good thing. 

We have this habit of saying goodbye at least ten times before actually going. It's called our 'ish' time... never mind. I need to get back to the selfless woman sitting on the couch in the next room. I put the phone back in my pocket and head into the living room. She's standing at the window, iced tea in hand, looking at something outside. I catch myself staring at the way the sun is playing on her black hair. She's stunning. Hey! I'm not dead. I can appreciate beauty, it doesn't mean anything more. She must sense my gaze; there's a light blush on her cheeks when she turns.

I feign innocence as I say, "I'll be right back. I think it's time to get out of my jammies." Yes jammies; don't judge.

"You do that and don't keep me waiting." Her sneer shows she's teasing. I throw a quick smile back and take hurried steps up the stairs. I literally throw on the first thing I find, some jeans and a mostly clean t-shirt. I forgot a bra; screw it. To the bathroom, a quick brush of my hair and wash my face. I look in the mirror, which I have avoided lately. 

My breath catches at my reflection. It's me... but a much thinner (not in a good way) and tired me. Dark circles under my eyes; my jaw is more prominent and makes my face look serious. I force a smile, hoping to see me in there somewhere. There she is! I'm still in there. My eyes fall to a fresh bruise on my collarbone and I pull my shirt down a little off my shoulder. I just stare for a moment and my eyes close as I release the shirt and grab onto the counter. I feel woozy and my hands are shaking. Is this the drug withdrawal? It has me on a rollercoaster. One minute I'm okay and the next it's like I have no control.  I have to have it... need it... want another pill. STOP IT!

I open my eyes, look in the mirror again and say, "You will NEVER take that drug again! You don't need it, they made you think you do... but you don't." I take a few deep breaths in and out. Okay! I'm good, but it did remind me I haven't taken the pills the hospital gave me. They are meant to help with the withdrawal, help me wean off the Oxy. I find the bottle, take one and swallow it with a handful of water. After brushing my teeth, I head back downstairs.

This time Destiny is sitting on the couch talking on the phone. I don't want to disturb her; I walk and sit quietly next to her. She grins. "Okay honey, I have to go. I'll talk to Kara and let you know. Mm hmm." She tries to hide her blush. "Yes, me too. Stop it. Get back to work; talk later." As she hangs up she stares and smiles at the phone, obviously hanging on to Shade's words a few moments longer. When she looks up at me, she's glowing. This must be 'that' look. I guess I know what love looks like too.

"We're both lucky ladies," I say with a knowing smile.

"Indeed." We both giggle. I could get used to this easy way about us. It's been a long time since I've had a close friend, and since it will take our lifetimes to repay these two, something tells me I'll be seeing a lot of her. That sounds fabulous. "What are you thinking about, Kara?"

Busted. "I was thinking about how comfortable I am talking to you and how I hope we can become good friends after all of this."

Her eyes fill. What did I say? "Sweetie, we're already friends. It's never been easy for me to make friends, let my guard down. There's something special about us, at least from where I sit. We connect, we're easy. Know what I mean?"

I think I screeched. "Yes! I can't believe it, I feel the same way. I mean, I was seriously just thinking the same thing." Each grabs the other's hand; we shake them up and down as we laugh. This is definitely teenager-like giddiness. We giggle some more. This time, our tears are from a laughing fit that took several minutes to get under control. No idea where it came from, but what a tension release. Only drawback is, I hardly feel like delving back into the emotional abyss.

Have I mentioned how expressive my eyes are? I obviously can't see my eyes, but many people have told me throughout my life. I guess I'm the shining example of 'the eyes are a window to the soul.' Lissy was an expert from the beginning. It's almost like she had the Kara guidebook, with a special appendix for my eyes. Right now, Destiny can see I'm hesitant about getting back to our earlier serious conversation. 

She stops our hands, gives mine a squeeze, and says, "I know we have some difficult stuff to talk about. Let's ease into it." I nod, that's fine by me. She continues, "How about we start with what Shade and I were thinking about for tonight?" It isn't really a question that needs an answer. "I was telling her how much progress we've made in such a short time. She's thrilled by the way. Anyway, I was saying how I'd like to come back tomorrow as well. That's if you want me to?"

"Yes, I'd really like that."

"I thought so too." Another shared smile follows. "She got to planning, like she loves to do, and thought it would be nice to bring dinner out to us tonight and some clothes for me. Maybe I could stay the night?"

It burst from me, "Yes! Yes!" The teenager in me is back. What has this girl done to me?

Destiny grins. "You are too silly." Shaking her head, she says, "Great! It's a plan. Do you need to talk with Lissy first?"

Do I? "I doubt she'd have a problem with it but let me check. I can at least ask if Rach and June will be eating with us."

"You call yours and I'll call mine then." We giggle. This is out of control. Wink! We turn our backs as to not compete with our conversations, and I dial Lissy again.

"Hi lover, I wasn't expecting to hear from you so soon. What a nice surprise."

"Hi baby. First, everything is fine." We laugh. "Second, Destiny wants to spend tomorrow as well and talked to Shade about it while I was upstairs changing out of my pajamas. I know; it was after one. Anyways, Shade loved the idea and wanted to bring dinner for all of us when she brought Destiny's clothes and things. Of course only if it was okay with us. Of course I said it probably would be but I'd need to see if Rach and June would be here tonight as well. So she went to talk to Shade while I'm calling you." I don't think I took a breath during that whole time. I'm actually a bit winded.

Clearly amused, Lissy says, "Well don't you sound happy? Make sure you remember to breathe, lover. Of course Destiny can stay over and Shade is welcome to bring dinner. I feel kinda guilty since they've done so much for us, but something tells me Shade doesn't take no for an answer."

"Me either. Plus, it would be nice to have them over. I really like Destiny, and after all you've said about Shade and how Destiny beams when they talk... well, I just think they're good for us." I did breathe as I talked, speaking calmly now.

"Oh, me too. I'm not sure about Rach and June though. I don't want to put them out any more than necessary, so let's say they won't be here for now. If they show up, there's bologna in the fridge." Eww. I hope she's kidding, but I get the gist of it.

"Sounds good baby. Hey Lissy?"

"Hmm?"

"I miss you."

"I miss you too. I'll be home soon. You girls enjoy your afternoon."

"I will. Love you, bye." My turn to hang up. I turn around and see Destiny is still on phone. She looks up and questions me with her eyes, while giving me the thumbs up sign. I nod and return the thumbs up. She smiles and turns briefly as they say their goodbyes. Shade must be attempting to make her blush again. I hear hushed whispers and her flushed face says it all after she hangs up. They're cute. I let her save face by pretending not to notice. "So, it's all settled then?"

"Yep; Shade will be here around 5:30 with the goods." No wonder why I like her; she's silly like Lissy and me.

"Oh crap! I forgot to tell you not to plan on Rach and June being here."

"No worries. Shade always brings enough for extras, it's her way. Either way, if they don't come, we'll have yummy leftovers for tomorrow." Hard to argue with that logic. I sit back down; it's time to get down to business. Destiny sits and tucks her legs under her. I turn, face her and follow her lead, bringing my shorter legs up and under. She waits patiently, knowing I'm either trying to figure out where to start or getting up the courage. It's probably a little of both.

After a few moments and a couple of deep breaths, I begin again, saying, "I don't remember exactly where I left off, but I think it was after I got free of Alexis." She nods. "I hadn't met many others in the lifestyle, but one in particular had made an impression on me. She exudes confidence and power. Does that make sense?"

"I know exactly what you mean. I live with one of those women. You'll see later." It makes sense with all I've heard about this incredible woman.

I smile softly and continue my thoughts, "Her name is Mistress Kelly. I met her at a club Alexis took me to a few times. We never spoke directly, with one exception, before that night. I'd sat in on many conversations between her, Alexis and other Dommes, but was never permitted to speak. I could tell the others looked up to her and she took that seriously. Leading by example, I guess you'd say. The other subs always talked about how they admired her, were drawn to her. I was one of them. Her own subs were very tight lipped about their Mistress, but you could see their love for her. You knew that what others said about her firm but kind ways were true." I bite the inside of my lip as I think back. It's hard to believe Destiny didn't ask any questions; she just sat attentively. 

"One night at the club, Alexis and I did a public session. Everyone at the club was able to watch but not join in. I was beyond nervous, but at that time I trusted her implicitly. Once it started, my only focus was on her, everyone else melted away. I don't want to shock you, but our 'specialty' was pain tolerance and how pain can turn into intense pleasure. I'm telling you this because I think it explains how it all started." I pause and wait for a response.

Her hand meets mine as it lies on the back of the couch. "Go on Kara." I stopped and said what I did because I was thinking to myself 'Why are you telling her all of this?' But it was true, without the beginning, it would be hard to understand the end.

I went on, "Our session began with basic principles we had practiced and experienced together many times before. When I think back on it, I think it was the crowd that incited her. She took it to a new level and not gradually. At first I was shocked. Without a slow build-up, the pain was crippling. I screamed, which is not normal for me. The scream only seemed to fuel her. The crowd thought it was part of the 'act' and cheered. I didn't remember much after that; I had passed out from the pain.

"When I woke, I was on a chaise at the back of the club. Alexis was nowhere to be found. I began to panic until a soft, confident voice said, 'Rest now. You're safe.' I looked all around; when I saw who it was, a sense of calm enveloped me. It's inexplicable but it happened. A lot is still fuzzy about that night. After all of this time, I can remember even less, which is probably for the best. I do remember Mistress Kelly though and how she protected me. 

"When Alexis made her way back to me, Kelly stood like a lioness between her cub and a predator. I had never seen Alexis back down the way she did then; she cowered. I didn't hear what was said, but I was positive it was a warning of some kind. Kelly came to stand at my side before she allowed Alexis to speak to me. She slid a card into my waistband, under my shirt, and whispered, 'If you ever need me, I'm here.' I nodded and she was gone, just like that. Alexis and I didn't speak that night. She acted like it never happened and I wanted to forget it. I need some water." Like magic, Destiny hands me a glass. My eyes squint with surprise as I ask, "When did you get this?"

"I'm sneaky like that," she says with a smirk. I just need to stop wondering when it comes to her. I drink large swallows as I think about what came next. Sometimes water tastes so damn good; this is one of those times. Nearly the entire glass is empty by the time I'm ready to continue.

Destiny's soft greens urge me on. "Next, fast forward to me, running for my life from Alexis. I ran to Kelly. I don't know what was more amazing; the fact that I kept her card, or that I had it with me that night. I like to think of her as my guardian angel, always watching over me. Ready and waiting when I needed her. When I showed up at her door there were no questions, only understanding. She didn't have to ask, she knew. She must have known that night at the club that Alexis would take it too far someday. 

"Kelly nursed me back to health. A few days later, she got me back on my feet and even put in a good word with a bank officer she used for her investments. Soon I found myself with a job, a condo and away from the poison that was Alexis. Kelly is truly a fabulous woman and I owe much to her, possibly my life. We talked here and there over the next year but never saw each other. She made me promise that if I ever wanted back into the lifestyle that I would come to her first, which I did. Oh god, she would be so disappointed in me." I had to stop. The realization makes my stomach knot, I feel sickened.

"I think you could use some hug time." Hug time? Kara, just shut up and go with it. Destiny leans back on her end of the couch and extends her arms to me. I move slowly towards her, not sure if I'm comfortable with it. Once her hands touch my shoulders and begin to pull me closer, all doubt flees. I sink into the couch next to her and lay my head on her shoulder, my front pressing to her side. Trust me, it's innocent. Her arms wrap around me, one of mine gets lost in the cushions and the other lies across her tummy. 

"Is this okay, Kara?"

I adjust a smidge and say, "Yes, it's nice. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I don't want to interrupt your train of thought, but I do want to say something before you continue. What happened between you and those two women is not your fault. They manipulated you and took advantage of your sadness. Kara, they drugged you so you couldn't keep a grasp on reality or stand up for yourself. I'm in no way an expert on the lifestyle, but that doesn't sound like anything I've heard before. It was flat out kidnapping and torture." She strokes my hair. "Okay, now I'm all ears. Tell me as much as you're able, it really does help to get it out."

"Yes, more than you know." I snuggle closer. "Destiny, I'm scared. The night I went to jail, I attacked Alexis. When I saw her just casually cooking dinner while I had been tied up downstairs with Veronica or Becky, I snapped. It was as if I left my body and became a spectator. I couldn't reason with myself, or control it... the anger I felt. I wanted to hurt her, punish her." My chest is tightening. My next words are labored. "When she was tied up, helpless, when I was pushing the knife into her skin..." The words stop coming. There's suddenly a disconnect between my brain and my mouth. All I can do is lie here. Destiny's arms tighten slightly. I try to relax but I can't, I'm trembling.

"It's okay Kara, I'm right here. You don't need to talk, just close your eyes. I'll keep you safe until your honey gets home." My honey - Lissy. Yes, I'll just close my eyes for a minute. I hear her whispers, but not the words. It doesn't take long for me to drift off. She soon follows. It's been an exhausting day, and tomorrow we'll do it all over again.

** Lissy **

As luck would have it, Shade and I pulled up to the house at the same time. We said hello and headed in, talking and laughing as we did. We took off our coats, Shade put the bags on the floor, and I hung up our coats. I saw the new best friends in a sleepy heap on the couch, down for the count. 

"Lissy, if I was a jealous woman." What could I do but laugh. "Let me put dinner in the kitchen; we'll let them sleep a little while longer." That was easy enough.

"Follow me." Once we were in the kitchen I finished my thought. "I didn't want to wake them. It looks like things went really well." I turned and faced the tiny, slender woman. "Shade, I know I keep saying this but I don't know how to begin to thank you two for all you've done, you're doing."

"Lissy, don't worry, I'm sure I'll find a way." Her sarcasm wasn't lost on me. I knew she was teasing but it doesn't change the fact that I'd do whatever, whenever for either of them. I smiled.

"Would you care for anything to drink?" She shook her head. "I'm going to pour a glass of wine. We can go talk in the family room and let them rest." I did; we did.

"How was your day?"

I put my drink on the table in front of me, sat back and said, "It started off very oddly. We showered together like we do. Kara was playful, smiling. When I finished dressing and came out of the closet..." I laughed. "Nice choice of words wasn't it?" She smiled. "Anyway, something happened. Kara's face was drawn and pale. She wasn't able to articulate what it was that was bothering her." I explained what happened when Destiny showed up. "Destiny was able to settle my nerves so that going to work wasn't too much of a worry." Shade had listened intently while I spoke.

"Maybe I'll have that glass of wine." I poured it and handed it to her when I came back. She took a sip and said, "Thank you. I'm glad Destiny settled you. She has that way about her; it's quite remarkable."

"I mentioned to Destiny this morning that Kara and I had talked about the notion that she might have days like that. Things could turn for her, sometimes completely out of left field. This morning was one of those times."




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 04



"Yeah, and I hated it." The two sneaks were standing side by side smiling. Shade and I got up and kissed the women we love, moving then to hug the other. I made sure to give Kara an extra kiss and a long, close hug. She purred contentedly.

The four of us sat and talked for a while. Kara and Destiny were both very animated as they spoke of their day. I was relieved to see Kara back to her old self. That's not really a great way to put it but I hope my meaning is clear. 

***

Dinner was wonderful. Grilled rib eye steaks, princess cut, with roasted rosemary potatoes and a small tossed salad. The potatoes were wonderfully crispy; the steaks were perfect at medium rare. Shade said Connie offered 3 kinds of dressing. I laughed and put 4 on the table. Destiny asked for water; the rest of us had a very nice Louis Martini Cabernet.

The conversation was light and wonderfully giggly. Even a normally subdued Shade told an old but always funny joke.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Apple."

"Apple who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Apple."

"Apple who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Orange."

"Orange who?"

"Orange ya glad I didn't say apple?" (I only did 'apple' twice... she did it several more times. You're welcome!)

No one said a word for a moment. I wanted to laugh; I'd heard the joke many years ago at my family's dining room table. Kara looked at Shade, looked at me, as if wanting permission to laugh. Destiny turned bright red holding her laughter in. Shade looked crestfallen that no one laughed -- which made everyone laugh even harder once it started. It was one of the funniest things that have happened in my 56 years; partly because of who told the joke and partly because of the reaction.

"Oh my god that was priceless," Destiny said when we had all stopped. Each of us needed to dry our eyes we'd laughed so hard. "Lover, I thought you might cry for a second." Shade stuck out her tongue. "Kara, you thought you were supposed to laugh and when no one did you had the funniest look on your face. God it was funny!"

Kara looked at me and said, "No Christmas kiss for that one!" That started the laughter again.

We left the dishes on the table and went back to the family room. Kara and I sat on one couch, Destiny and Shade on the other. Kara sat sorta half-on, half-off of me, her legs draped over mine and her right arm around my waist. The other two sat side by side. And we talked. Eventually the conversation shifted to the events of the day.

"I thought Kara did wonderfully. It took her a while to warm up to me and more time to get to some of the tough stuff -- but she did! I was very proud of her. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and continuing what we've started."

Kara looked at me with questions in her eyes. I blushed. "Lover, with all that's gone on these last few days I may not have mentioned what Shade and I talked about Saturday. I'm sorry about that. I was going to take tomorrow off but changed my mind. I am taking Thursday and Friday off." Kara stopped me with a wave of her hand.

"You did tell me about Thursday and Friday, baby. And I'm glad you changed your mind about tomorrow. Destiny is right; it wasn't always tons of fun today but I'm glad she was here." She sat up a bit and looked around the room, then smiled. "Lissy usually leaves around 8. With Destiny here, we can get down to it then." She looked at me. "They'll probably close early for the day, right?" I nodded.

"Officially we close at 3 but I've heard they've left it up to the department heads. I'm hearing maybe noon, probably 1."

Kara nodded, turned to Destiny and said, "So, we should have 6, maybe 7 hours to talk. What do you think?"

I'd been watching Shade and Destiny as this went down. There was a ton of unspoken communication going on.

"I think it's a marvelous idea. We can have breakfast around 7." I got up and sat next to Shade, who laughed.

"Why don't we talk to each other? These two have cut us out of the conversation."

"You get back here right now, ya big baby." I stuck my tongue out at blondie. The other two laughed. Kara stood, put her hands on her hips and said to our guests, "Do you see what I have to put up with every day?"

I had a brilliant thought. "Hey, why don't the two of you come for Christmas dinner?" The room fell silent.

Shade and Destiny looked at each other. "We'd love to, but Kim and Honey are coming."

Without a moment's hesitation, Kara said, "Bring them too." We all looked at her. "What? Rachel and June will be thrilled. We only met Kim and Honey that one time and only for a few seconds." Everyone nodded and was smiling.

"Um, there's the little matter of Andi!" Kara's face fell. "Mm hmm." I turned to our guests. "My daughter is not the biggest fan of gay people. There have been some uncomfortable moments this year." I looked at Kara and said, "What you don't know is she kind of reached out to me at Thanksgiving."

"What! Really?" I nodded.

"She shocked me, Jenna too. She said... I'm trying to remember. It was something like -- you look so sad, Mom. I wish you and Kara would find a way to get back together."

A shocked Kara said, "I don't believe it. Uh, well, there's the little matter of two gay couples who happen to be family. JR and Andi won't know Destiny or any of the four."

Shade piped in. "Kim and Honey are not exactly shrinking violets either." I had heard enough.

"This isn't about forcing Andi to change her mind. It never has been. But I'm not going to change our plans just on her account. That's not fair to her or to any of us."

"I completely agree, Lissy," Destiny said emphatically, "I'm one hundred per cent with you on that. We have every right to be who we are without attracting a lot of attention, let alone a bunch of... other stuff." She turned to her honey. "I think it would be fun. I'm sure Kim and Honey will have a blast with the girls. I say we have a great Christmas with our friends." Shade nodded.

"Yup, let's do it." She looked at me. "Would you object if I stayed overnight as well?" Oh! "I'm going to go in to the office for a while but there's not much to do. The office staff will be there till noon. I doubt the sales staff will be busy if they work at all." She looked at Destiny. "You wouldn't mind having company would you?" We all laughed.

Kara pretended to pout when she looked at me and said, "Well, fine, I guess that means I have to sleep with you." I almost fainted. You bitch!

Destiny giggled as she said, "I'm sure when Shade mentioned company she meant you, Kara." Shade paled for a second, then realized it was a joke and laughed. We all did.

"That got awkward for a minute, huh?" We were all still laughing; heads nodded at my comment. I kissed blondie and said, "You were kidding, right?" She stared at me. Not a word was said. Then she laughed.

"There's a blonde in there somewhere, Stone." I smacked her shoulder. She laughed. "Pretty much!" Oh my god!

** December 24th **

We agreed with Shade and Destiny to set the alarms for 6:30. I had made coffee and set the timer for 6:45. 

"If we have to get up that early we need coffee!" Kara had said it; we all agreed.

"Morning! Why the hell did I open my big mouth about getting up this early?" I laughed. All this was done in between the usual morning kisses as we lay twisted like pretzels with each other, barely allowing air between our bodies.

"I have no clue. We better get going."

"Ugh! Do you think they're doing what we are?"

"Mm hmm."

"Me too; I think we should have a quickie before we go downstairs." I pulled back a bit and stared. "What? I can see it in the other bedroom. 'Maybe we should make a quickie; I bet they are.'" After a few more kisses and giggles we got up.

The shower thing we do was done quickly and efficiently this morning. That doesn't mean we didn't take our time with certain parts of our lover's anatomy. There was even time for me to taste test whether Kara's kitty was clean and soap free. It was!! If not before, it was after. Pretty much! la la la

I dressed business casual, which included no bra, per Kara. Eyeroll.

She nodded her approval as she sat in her robe.

"You're not getting dressed?"

"Nah; I have slippers and a robe. That'll do. If I get cold I can wrap myself in a blanket like you did yesterday." Okay.

We headed downstairs; we both noticed the extra bedroom door was closed. I smiled; Kara winked.

Kara poured coffee for both of us while I got ham, eggs and milk out of the fridge. I was going to make scrambled eggs with ham. 6 eggs ought to do it for 4 women; toast and/or bagels were available. Our guests came downstairs a bit later, smiling, hand in hand, looking languid and satisfied the way only lovers can. Kara and I looked at each other.

"Good morning, lovers!" Leave it to blondie. They smiled and headed for coffee. Smart!

"We weren't doing anything the two of you weren't, Kara." She glared at me; I giggled.

"Make toast, bagels, or English muffins. Margarine and jelly are next to the toaster. The eggs should be ready in a few."

"Lover, this is better than our usual morning breakfast service. We should stay in bed longer more often." No answer.

The air was pregnant (shush!) with giggles waiting to explode into full blown laughter.

In an odd twist, it started with Shade, who took her finger, ran it through the grape jelly on her bagel, and dabbed it on Destiny's nose. Try to imagine what happened next. It was hardly John Belushi's famous 'Food fight!' Things wound up on both of the women who wore robes to breakfast. Mm hmm. Kara and Destiny -- which did not go unnoticed by yours truly!!

As the silliness and giggles died down I said, "Any particular reason two of you are dressed in robes and two of us are going to work?" Co-conspirators looked at each other and giggled.

"It's totally a coincidence." No Sale! 

"Ow!" Destiny yelped in pain. 

Shade smiled innocently. "I'm sure the two of you will be all business today, Destiny." 

She pouted gloriously. "I am your betrothed, your intended, lover. I can not believe you are calling me out like this."

My antennae perked up. "Wait just a minute here. Betrothed? Intended? Are you two getting married?" Shade glared at a chastened Destiny.

"Holy crap, you are!" Kara bounded from her chair and hugged her new best friend. "I'm so excited for you both." Destiny looked like she wanted to crawl under the table, the poor thing.

It all happened so fast I barely had time to process it. I looked at Shade who was looking at me. We smiled and held each other's hand. Here we were congratulating two women we really only barely knew. But we owed them so much.

"Congratulations, Shade. I'm so happy for the two of you. I can assure you we'll keep your secret until the two of you are ready to share it." She smiled. Destiny looked over her shoulder and did the same.

"Well, we were going to announce it tomorrow with my sister and Honey. It seems we'll be announcing it to a much larger crowd." She looked at Destiny. "You okay with that, Destiny?" Green eyes smiled; a black head of hair nodded.

"If not here, where?" We all laughed. "The two of you need to get a move on. Kara and I have work to do." She said it in such a stern tone we had no option but to comply. Yeah right!

The three of us descended on Destiny, kissing, hugging, and groping -- uh, Shade did that - for the record! There was plenty of her for the rest of us. After the giggles subsided both of us said our goodbyes to our honeys and headed to work.

** Kara and Destiny **

The morning had me giddy. This rollercoaster that has been my life has taken some wild turns the past week. I went from imprisoned and jailed to being reunited with my love and finding two wonderful new friends. Apart from my demons that lie lurking, things seem back to normal. Okay, the demons part is kind of a big deal.

After the goodbyes to our honeys, I excuse myself. "Destiny, make yourself comfortable hon. I'm going to take a few minutes and I'll join you." Her smile turns to concern but she nods and walks towards the kitchen.  I just need to get my thoughts together. Walking up the stairs, I run my fingers along the collage of family pictures Lissy has hanging along the wall. They range from her kids as babies through graduations and marriages. It's beautiful and makes my heart flutter every time I look at them.

I never let myself think of having a kids, it just wasn't going to be in the cards for me. I accepted it, but being with Lissy and hers; well I have some regrets. Reaching the top step, I freeze, noticing a new picture. It's of her and her kids... and me. Tears flood my eyes; I don't even remember this picture being taken. Maybe Memorial Day weekend? I blink away the tears and head to our bedroom. They're my family.

I sit on the edge of the bed and look out the window. I'm not really noticing anything, just relaxing my mind and inviting whatever to flow in and out. Yesterday I laid bare memories I'd been too scared to face myself to someone I barely knew. Beyond the wonder of that notion is a sinking sensation. Why can't I tell Lissy? I know the answer. I'm afraid she'll think I'm too broken and she'll know the truth. Truth? I take pleasure in inducing pain, feeling pain. No! That's not me! 

Maybe it is... was it there all along? Alexis recognized it, tried to wrench it up from deep inside of me, but I fled before she could. Then, years later, she just happens to be Lissy's therapist. I definitely have my suspicions on that front. Was she trying to get revenge and found an opportunity to get to me through Lissy? She nearly destroyed us. 

Then there's Veronica; she is a whole other level of wicked. Alexis' lover, her pawn. I can't let them win. Lissy and I hang in the balance. I have to claw my way back; back to Kara. Today I need to tunnel even deeper, purge the darkness from me. I worry if I leave it trapped inside, it will take control. I don't want to; I can't ever hurt my Lissy again.

I close my eyes and think about the time since that day in the elevator. It comes back as a flood of random images in no particular order. I try to calm and focus, but they only come faster. Frustrated, I push myself up from the bed and turn to leave. I flinch and screech, "Destiny! You scared me to death!" I startle her with my outburst but she's quick to laugh.

"I'm so sorry." Her giggling could have fooled me. "I came to check on you and didn't want to interrupt your thoughts. I didn't expect you to fly to your feet so quickly or I would have..." Now I'm giggling, can't resist.

"Oh hush you. Let's get to work, shall we?" I hook my arm in hers and we go back down to the living room.

Have I mentioned what a sweetheart Destiny is? I stop as we reach the couch and pull her into a huge hug. On the coffee table she's laid out coffee, water, juice, bagels, chips and even an assortment of fruit. I release her and look into her green eyes, my blues are smiling. She gets a sheepish grin and says, "Is it too much?" She's shy? Can she get any cuter?

I giggle and give her hand a squeeze. "Much? No, not at all." She perks up and beams. "When is everyone else getting here?" I was born a smart ass. Ouch! Destiny laughs, slaps my shoulder and plops down on the couch.

"We'll see who's laughing when they get hungry or thirsty." Her smirk says she was born much the same. We both laugh ourselves nearly to tears and settle into our 'let's get serious' positions. Cross-legged, pillows on our laps, facing each other. That, of course, led to a few more giggles. There is something seriously wrong with us and I love it. 

We finally get quiet and just sit for a few minutes. It might be awkward for some, the silence, but it was nice. When I decide to speak, my voice isn't ready and it's just a whisper. "I don't know where to start." I clear my throat. Destiny just sits and waits. Deep breath. "That's not true; I know what I need to talk about. It's just... it's something I'm not sure about. I mean, I don't know what's real and what's not." I look up to see if I can tell by her face if I'm making any kind of sense. 

She grins and says softly, "It doesn't have to make sense, Kara. Just start talking and let it flow. I don't have to understand it. This is for you to get it out." I nod, half convinced. She reaches over and grasps my hand. "Close your eyes." I do. "Now let yourself go, give yourself permission to speak of whatever is haunting you. I won't judge you Kara; you're in a safe place."

Her words wash over me, bringing peace to my anxious mind. I let myself drift through the flashes that I saw earlier. Not afraid, just observing. I'm waiting until I see it, the one I want. When it comes, goose bumps flood my body. I can feel the hair standing up on the back of my neck. Don't run.

I begin, "We're lying on my bed. I've missed her so much. Her smell, her touch, she's right here beside me. I move on top of her and kiss those lips I've hungered for. Our bodies take over. Legs intertwine, fingers desperate to feel, and tongues eager to taste. It's her, really her. Then it happens..." I can't stop the tears. They push through my closed lids and stream down my cheeks. "Her voice is so clear, 'Take me Kara'. I try and focus but my vision is a blur. 

"It's her, Alexis. I would know that voice anywhere. I try to get away but she holds me tighter, kissing me, grinding against me. I bite her but she still doesn't stop. Please stop, I don't want you. She holds me, I have to get away. I swing my arms, slapping and clawing. Let me go! 'Kara! Kara' NO! My eyes clear, it's Lissy. She's so afraid. I try to hold her but she's fighting back. Her fist catches me on my collarbone, my body rolls off and the stinging pain shoots through me." I pause; the next part is too disturbing.

Destiny's hand lies on top of mine, which now I realize is rubbing the bruise. My eyes slowly open and I keep my head down. I can't look at her. "The look in Lissy's eyes as she cowered, afraid, is burned into my mind. I don't want to see another person look at me with the truth in their eyes. That I'm broken." Destiny's hand gently cups my chin and urges me to look at her. I close my eyes as my head rises. 

"Kara, look at me." I want to but I'm afraid. "It's okay. I promise. You are not a bad or evil person." I shake my head, eyes tightening. "If you were, do you think Lissy would still be by your side? Do you think I would be trying to help? Would Shade? You are a good person who bad things happened to, Kara. They just don't go away. You have to fight through it, face them." I know I didn't tell my eyes to open, but they do anyways. Destiny's eyes are sincere. Her thumb strokes my cheek, wiping away some of the tears. Holding my chin firmly, she commands my attention. "You are so brave. You are fighting. Trust me when I say, there was a time not too long ago I was fighting my own demons. I was afraid to face who I really am. You will get through this, just keep being brave."

Her words reach me. I may not know what she went through but I felt her pain and I believe what she's saying. I am strong, brave. That me in the dungeon who hurt Alexis, who hurt... Lissy; I won't let her win. The rest of my thought is spoken, "I can't, not after I have Lissy back." Surprised I actually said that last, I blush. Even though what Destiny heard should have made no sense, she understands.

Her hand drops down to her lap; she smiles softly and says, "Welcome back, Kara." Those three words, they grab and hold me tight. Every ounce of me feeling overjoyed. Those three words, as crazy as it sounds, they set me free. I throw my arms around her, afraid I'll float away if I don't.




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 05







Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 05



She turns to Destiny. "Darling, bring me a damp wash cloth would you?" I didn't hear the reply but caught her movement in the corner of my eye. Back in only a few moments, she motions for Destiny to hand it to me. I take it gratefully, wiping the film of ick from my face. The cold cloth feels wonderful. 

Now able to see again, I reluctantly look at Kelly. Her eyes soften. "You may have shown weakness, but you are NOT weak. I'm here because I want to help you, Kara." The flood gates are opening again, tears falling freely. I cannot begin to explain what those words mean to me. After all I've done, after I've disappointed her, embarrassed her, she still wants to help me. Kelly continues, "The night Alexis beat you unconscious, I've rarely witnessed such strength. A submissive is a treasure and she did not deserve you. Then after you came to me, broken, I gave you the tools but YOU built yourself up again." Her words are filling me like an oasis in the desert. I wipe my tears with the back of hand, my inner strength pushing to the surface. Kelly smiles, my heart swells. "Now you listen to me. The drugs they had you strung out on, I've had experience with the withdrawal. You can't just want the side effects to be gone and they magically disappear. This is serious, Kara." I nod, tuning into every syllable. "I'm told you've been given another chance with your love. Don't take it lightly, get the help you need." I nod again. "I need to hear you say it, Kara."

Clearing my throat, unsure if I'm able to form a complete thought, I reply, "Yes, Mistress Kelly. I will do any and every thing I need to... I can't... I won't lose her again."

"She's a driving force but you need to do this for you too. There's a reason you feel the need to be punished, to feel pain. It goes beyond your break-up or depression or even the drug use. It's inside of you Kara, want it or not. What you choose to do with it is entirely up to you. You need professional counseling and detox. You may think that a couple of good days mean you're okay, but you would be sorely mistaken." She's right; I know this, but a hospital? The thought frightens me. My doubt must register in my expression. Kelly asks, "Kara, what scares you more, getting help or losing yourself or Lissy?" She knows my answer. "After you get your mind and body symbiotic, you can begin rebuilding your life. Your life with your lovely Lissy." I smile, that's all I want. She reaches for and clutches my hand. Tingles are cast all over my body all at once. Yes, with just a touch. "I care for and about you. I wouldn't be here if that weren't the case. After you get things square, please ring me. I'll be checking in on your progress. And, Kara?"

"Yes Mistress?"

"Do NOT disappoint me again." I shiver. I think I'd rather die. She's right though, words aren't enough. I need to prove it to her, to myself and to Lissy. She releases my hand and stands. "Shade, Destiny, thank you for inviting me to your fabulous home."

Shade stands and offers her hand. "The pleasure is mine. I'm in your debt for coming on such short notice. I knew this would work best as a fait accompli. I hope next time we'll meet under happier circumstances."

Her smile is radiant as she leans to kiss Shade on one cheek then the other. "Indeed. I'd love to have you and your Destiny over for dinner one evening." Her hand outstretched towards Destiny, who quickly accepts. They hug. I'm frozen to my seat, unsure what's expected of me.

Peeking over Destiny's shoulder, she smiles softly. "Kara, darling, come here and tell me goodbye." I jump to my feet and hurry over. Her hand brushes my cheek as she says, "You be the good girl." More tingling. "Next time we see each other, I expect to meet your Lissy." Have I mentioned how silky her voice is? Well, when she's not scolding you.

"I'd like that very much, Mistress." This next part I needed to say. "I'll make you proud of me."

Matter-of-factly, she says, "Course you will." And like that, she's gone.

What follows is an uneasy silence, broken by dear Destiny. "Who's hungry?" We all giggle and follow her to the dining room.

** December 28th **

Lissy

Airports suck, TSA sucks, flying in winter around the holidays is a god awful thing to endure. The flight time is so short that it's like up, level, down, land. Here's your bag of peanuts; have a nice day, we appreciate your business. UGH!

My daughter is beautiful even if it's Minnesota winter and she's all bundled up. I get to preen; after all... oh never mind.

Her arms around my neck after my stuff was in the trunk, she said, "Thank you so much for coming. I love you." Tears!

Sniffling, I said, "I love you too. I miss you all so much even though I know you all did what you had to for your future."

She sighed and said, "I guess this is like pregnancy. You hear what it will be like but you have no clue until it happens."

God it's great to have adult kids. Life has a way of edumakayting kids in ways that parents and school can't begin to!!

Yes I called Kara. She loves me. Jenna and I talked as we wound our way through traffic to wherever we were going.

Don't you hate being in someone else's city, in their car, not knowing where in the hell you're going?? I mean -- adults, right? We pretty much like to have some measure of control of things big and small. And why is it different if you're in a cab or hotel bus in a city you don't know? These are the sort of random thoughts that can occur when you're going somewhere and you have no idea where that 'somewhere' is. Thank you. I'll stop now.

The house was beautiful. Brick! Way to go Jenna and Ian. It's pretty inside; warm and inviting. I was proud of my kid.

As if she knew what I was thinking, Jenna said, "We really got lucky with the realtor we used, Mom. We couldn't spend too much money with all the bills but we wanted 3 bedrooms and we wanted brick. I used a lot of the same pictures and other stuff I had in the house in Chicago and added here and there as I've shopped." 

I could see some of the differences; there were also some things that also told me my daughter missed Chicago. There was a fabulous picture of Navy Pier right before sunset, taken from the lake side looking west. 

"Ian called and said he'd be home in time for dinner, Mom. He has tomorrow off, too." Oh?

Jenna and I sat and talked, mostly about what was happening at home. Naturally the conversation focused on her brother and sister. I gave her lots of detail about Christmas and more. Jenna was astonished when I told her about Andi.

"I know, honey, we all were. All I told her was to watch us and make her decision based on what she sees, not what she's been told." I shrugged. "She was great the rest of the night, too; said goodbye to Kim, Honey, Shade and Destiny. It was more than just words too. She hugged them all."

Jenna shook her head. "Wow! Maybe she finally figured out that we aren't sinners, just women who love a woman." I laughed; Jenna was embarrassed at her faux pas and shook her head again. "God, that was embarrassing."

"It was an easy mistake to make, sweetie. I knew what you meant; it was just funny to hear you say those words."

When we got around to Kara, I did my best to tell her as much as I thought I could. She pulled back a bit when I told her about the shock of that miserable Friday. She actually cried a little when I told her a little of what she said about Becky.

"That's disgusting, Mom. I feel so bad for Kara for having to go through that."

"I cried too, honey. I've realized my part in driving her away; let me tell you that was not fun!" Jenna took my hand.

"Mom, I learned a long time ago you're not a super hero." I feigned surprise and hurt; we both laughed. "You may have made a mistake but I know in my heart it was an honest one. Certainly it wasn't done maliciously. You love Kara way too much to hurt her on purpose." I tried to hold back the tears but it was pretty hopeless. Jenna held me as I cried.

And right in the middle of that came this. "Momma!" I sat up; mother and daughter smiled at each other.

"Let me change her diaper and clothes too. You probably don't want to see her in her jammies."

I laughed. "Silly girl, of course I do. I'm sure they're warm enough; I'm fine with jammies. Go!" She bounded up the stairs and was gone for a few minutes. I heard Jenna's voice, giggles and a screech, which let me know she had told her little treasure that 'Grammy' was here. I stood when I saw them at the top of the stairs. Little arms flailed with unbridled joy. How do you not smile at such innocence!! 

When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Jenna put Ella down and handed her a doll. She came running, saying, "Grammy, Grammy." I swept her up in my arms and drowned her in kisses to the accompaniment of shrieks of joy.

"Did Santa bring you this, sweetheart?" She nodded vigorously and said what sounded like yes. "Will you show me what else Santa brought you?" She took my hand and marched me to the tree. We sat and she showed me some adorable and interesting toys like a Little Tikes 'Play Cube'. It has some cute features that should keep her interested, but the one she loved was the little mirror. She picked it up and pointed. I held it so that my face was showing. 

Ella giggled and said, "Grammy." When I held it in front of her face she said, "Baby." Too cute.

"I'm going to start dinner, Mom, and let the two of you spend some time together." We played. There were blocks. I showed Ella how to stack one on top of another. I managed to get it five high before she knocked it down and laughed when I made a face.

"Does Ella want to try?" Giggles and 'yes' followed. She got three on top of each other; the 3rd one perched rather precariously, which didn't bode well for the next one. As I suspected, it fell. "Uh oh, it fell. Try again?" She got four up okay; the 5th didn't work and they tumbled. She looked at me; I shrugged and put my hands in the air, palms up. She got up and ran, calling for her Mommy. I'm a little out of practice with 20-month olds it seems.

Ian saved the day when he came in through the garage. I stood and waited while he took off his outer wear. I kissed my son and wished him a Merry Christmas.

"I love the house, Ian. It's every bit as cozy and inviting as your home in Chicago. Jenna and I were visiting until the baby woke. She and Grammy were playing. She's in the kitchen now with Jenna."

"She was pretty upset about Christmas, Mom. I wasn't very happy either but at least the accidents didn't keep me there all night. We were able to have a bit of a delayed holiday. And I'm off tomorrow."

"Jenna told me. I'd like to go shopping with her and maybe do some girly things like making us beautiful." He laughed good naturedly. "That okay with you?"

"Absolutely! I don't get to spend near enough time with my daughter. You two go out and have a gay old time." I know he didn't mean anything by it. He caught himself. "Oopsie! I didn't mean to offend." 

I pinched both of his cheeks. "You've both done it since I've been here." He looked startled -- whether it was my cheek pinch or that Jenna had said something a bit off, I didn't know and didn't care. "Let's try and keep it a secret, shall we?"

"Keep what a secret? That we're having a mom-daughter day tomorrow?" Brat has a Mom's hearing all right!

"If you don't sass me you might even get me to pay for it. Do you have somewhere you go to fairly regularly?"

She smiled and said, "I've already called and we're set for 10:30." 

I laughed. "That was fast."

Dinner was excellent. Lamb chops (!!), au gratin potatoes, peas, and a salad.

"Is that Worcestershire sauce I taste in these delicious chops?" 

Jenna blushed and said, "It's a really easy recipe, Mom. Eggs, the sauce, and bread crumbs; the first two get whisked in a bowl. You dip the chop, put both sides in the crumbs, and put it in a baking dish. It's really simple; one turn after 20 minutes and it's ready in another 20." Who knew?

"It's hearty and filling; perfect fare for a winter dinner."

And so it went. I helped Jenna clean up while Ian entertained his daughter. We sat and chatted until it was time for Ella to get put down for the night. After the cutest baby kisses to Daddy and Grammy, Jenna announced she was giving Ella her bath and putting her to bed.

"Would you mind if I did the honors? It's been forever since I've done a bath with someone her age. I kinda miss it."

"Ella, is it okay if Grammy gives you your bath tonight?" 

She leaned out of her mother's arms, fingers wiggling, saying, "Grammy, Grammy." I'm blinking back tears as I write.

Her room was set up a little differently but I managed. We laughed as I undressed her; I'd started the bath water already. She sat up like a big kid in the tub after I had tested the water. I used my hands to bathe her. You forget how soft their skin is at that age. There's no muscle tone to speak of yet. Ella splashed and squealed just like Kara and I do. Kinda.

Washing her hair was interesting. A little shampoo goes a long way on such fine hair. Ella squeaked when I used my nails on her scalp. Note to self: What feels good on an adult is not so good on a little one. I put her little hands over her eyes when it was time to rinse. 

"Grammy is going to get rid of the soap, precious." I have no idea if she understands; I doubt it. Jenna has a 16 ounce cup she keeps on the corner of the tub; I assumed this was why. I put my hand on her brow when I poured warm water on her head. We seemed to be okay; there were no tears.

I dried her on my lap. The little darling was more interested in cuddling than in being dry. Those special pieces parts take some delicate drying let me tell ya. Thankfully I'd had two previous test dummies to perfect my craft. Wondering why I said two? Jenna and Rachel were born years apart -- they're close now but... not so easy for Mom to re-learn everything.

I'm old fashioned; my daughter isn't. Fake diapers if you're wondering. Every woman does it the way they want. One bonus was I didn't have to worry about the pins. Talk about guilt! I nearly drowned my precious Ella in baby powder. Even I coughed. Snug as a bug in her jammies, I picked up the sleepy eyed beauty and carried her to bed.

I kissed my granddaughter and said, "Grammy loves you, Ella. Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite." I put her on her side and pulled the blankie over her. How in the hell does mickey not know how 'blankie' is spelled!! I mean really.

The smile on my face must have been ear-to-ear. My daughter said, "Feels like the first time all over again, huh?"

"Yeah, it really does. Sorta like the riding a bicycle thing I suppose."

Well anyway, we chatted for a while and I finally said good night to my daughter and her hubby. If any one you are wondering -- Ian's a good man. He loves my daughter from everything I've ever seen and he loves his daughter. What else is there for me to know? If she's happy I'm happy right? Thank you! Good night Minneapolis.

`

** December 29th **

Lissy

Sunday came early. I heard giggling and "Grammy, Grammy." I rolled over and picked the little darling up and put her on my lap. She was totally not interested in cuddling. "Play." Oh gawd! What time was it? 7? In the morning? On a Sunday? How did I survive?

How do you explain to a 20 month old that you need coffee? That you need to use the bathroom? Thankfully my daughter seemed to know about the former -- she handed me a steaming cup of liquid heaven.

"Come on Ella, Grammy will be ready to play in a few minutes. We can go make breakfast." I think I heard 'Cheerios.' "Yes honey, you can have Cheerios today." She winked at me and left. What time does my flight leave today? Hee hee.

'Brekky' was fine. Ella pitched a hissy when she figured out that Mommy and Grammy were leaving. Poor Ian was starting off at a deficit with his nearly 2 year old. I can tell you that the terrible twos can come early. I'm not telling you which of the little darlings were the worst.

While Jenna was getting ready to leave I had a few minutes alone with Ian. Well, Ian and Ella. Anyway, I said, "While we're gone, I want you to make a dinner reservation somewhere real special." He looked puzzled. "I'm babysitting for my granddaughter tonight while the two of you have a night together out of the house. And I do NOT want you to let your wife hurry the two of you home after dinner, young man." He got a sly smile on his face. "That's right. Go see a movie, go dancing, go out and have some fun -- whatever the two of you want to do that you might not have done much of since the baby was born."

"Wow, thanks Mom. I should be able to figure out somewhere special. We haven't gone out much since we moved, except for some fast food now and then." He nodded, more to himself than me. "We'll surprise her with this one."

"That's the plan. That's why we're going to get beautiful in a few minutes." I winked. "We'll do some shopping too."

We were pampered, coddled, well taken care of, and we deserved it. We were seated next to each other and gabbed about absolutely nothing the entire time we were there. We giggled and chose fire engine red for our toes. We both settled on French for our nails. Why not right? Facials - all gooped up and fresh faced and booful afterward. We cooed and oohed and ahhed at each other. Trust me - it wasn't too long ago Jenna thought I was the devil incarnate. Thankfully those days are behind me... us. Children are mostly wonderful. Adult children are truly a blessing.

Shopping was next on the menu. We talked as we walked.

"Let's look for something special, honey."

Jenny looked at me suspiciously. "Do you have some nefarious plan for us that you're not sharing, Mother?" Mm hmm.

"I'm a simple, honest woman, young lady. I have no such plans in mind." 

The brat had the nerve to laugh. "You're so full of crap your eyes are brown. You're an old trickster from way back."

"Reminding me that I'm old is uncalled for I'll have you know." We were heading to Herberger's after stopping at H&M. I saw something up ahead and said, "Have you ever been in White House, Black Market?"

She shook her head. "Nope, they are mostly clothes for work. I dress casually for my classes. Do you want to stop in?"

"Why not; I mean, Herberger's is right next store." 

Well, stop we did, and my oh my was it ever a good thing. It seems they do more than work clothes, cuz there was the epitome of the 'little black dress' and holy smokes did my kid ever look sexy in it. The straps were removable; they weren't needed. The cross-banded bodice made her figure stand out. The dress had built in shape wear that helped as well. The sales associate recommended that Jenna try one size up from her regular size and it was a fantastic idea. It was nice and tight around the top; she felt secure. We were in the dressing room together as she tried it on.

"It fits like second skin, Mom. It's very comfortable. Going up a size from my 4 to a 6 was perfect. I have a cute pair of black heels and a necklace that will be perfect." She cocked her head. "Where's Ian taking me tonight?" Uh oh.

"I have no idea if he has plans to take you out. You look beautiful by the way."

She pursed her lips and nodded. "I'm going to call him and find out." I'm so busted! "Hi sweetie. Mom and I are at a store in the mall. She's buying me a cute little dress for tonight." Crafty wench isn't she? "She says there are no plans." Brown eyes looked at me suspiciously as she nodded again. "I'm not buying it, big boy, but I guess I'll find out for sure when we get home. How's Ella? Oh good. Okay, lover; you two have fun. What's that? I suppose we'll have lunch and then see a movie. We should be home by 5. She'll eat mac and cheese. It's too cold to take her for a walk on the sled, Ian. Watch a movie or something. Okay, I have to go. I love you too. Bye."




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 05



"Am I off the hook?"

"You are buying this dress, Mother. And yeah, it seems so."

"Consider it your birthday present, dearie. Let's go pay for this and then we can see what movies are playing and when."

It came down to "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" and "Anchorman 2."" We both like Ben Stiller but, in the end, silly and laughter won the day. We bought tickets for the 1:50 show and headed next store to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch. I'd been to one of these before but it had been some time since my last visit. That it was literally right next door to the theater was convenient. It also meant we could take our time - which we did.

Jenna ordered fish and chips and I ordered a grilled shrimp and bacon club. She laughed hysterically when I told her about telling Kara that I was a bacon whore.

"You've become a complete loon as you've gotten older, Mom. God that's funny."

"Well it's true! There are a few other things I can't get enough of when I have them."

She snorted. "Yeah, like Kara." 

I smiled and agreed, saying, "Very, very true child of mine. Hash browns, Twizzlers, and potato chips are on that list." I went on to tell her about how we played with potato chips that Tuesday night several months ago.

"Geez oh pete, the two of you are sex maniacs on top of it. Actually I'm a little jealous. You're very creative with your foreplay and lovemaking, Mom. Good for the two of you."

Her jaw hung slack as I told her about our Twizzlers hijinks. I rendered my own child speechless I'll have you know.

"I guess a child doesn't want to know about their parents' sex life for a reason. It's pretty damn interesting that the two of you are as into each other as you are." She kind of got a far away look in her eyes. "I wonder if the brat and June are like that too." 

The server brought our ice teas. I know, right. Ice tea in December is pretty silly. I didn't feel like having wine.

Jenna fiddled with her glass for a moment, then looked at me and asked, "Were you and Daddy pretty hot in the cot?" She blushed. "I'm guessing not so much toward the end; but was there ever a time when the two of you... oh god, I can't even bring myself to finish the thought." She shook her head, obviously uncomfortable with the whole thing.

"How about we talk about something else?" My still blushing daughter nodded her head vigorously. "I'm worried about Kara, honey. She and Destiny get along famously, which is great. She said the oddest thing; that she didn't make friends easily." Jenna cocked her head and furrowed her brow. "I know, right!"

"That's so weird, Mom. One of the things I liked about Kara when I met her was how easily she fit in with all of us."

I could feel myself about to choke up. I took a bite of my sandwich as a distraction then looked at my daughter. "I will forever be grateful to all of you for how quickly you accepted Kara. Accepted her and accepted that your Mother was in love with a woman. That couldn't have been easy for any of you. Even if my marriage to your Father was difficult, he was still your Dad." I looked down and nodded. "God, it really shocked me when Rachel came out to me all that long ago. It's neither here nor there but she never gave the slightest hint that she was romantically interested in a woman."

We were talking and eating -- which isn't the easiest thing to do. I'm writing like it was a smooth, easy conversation. Nope. There were breaks between what one said and the other's reply as we finished the bite of food we were having.

"This started with you saying you're worried about Kara, Mom. Why?"

"With all that's happened she's behind on her bills, her credit history is toast and we had to scramble to bring her mortgage current. She lost her job after she stopped showing up altogether." I shook my head. "I'm worried that it's going to be hard for her to find another one. An unexplained absence for 3 months is going to be a big black mark."

"You mentioned something about drugs at one point. Is she going to have to go to rehab?"

"I honestly don't know. Something shook loose inside Kara after we broke up. She wouldn't talk to me about it. It seems she has with Destiny. Kara feels really good about where she is right now, honey, but I still worry about her, especially after that Friday night thing." It was a Sunday afternoon and the restaurant was somewhat crowded but hardly full so we could talk without everyone hearing what was said. I decided to share with my oldest.

"Kara and I did quite a bit with restraints and other things as a part of our lovemaking." Jenna stared in disbelief. "It's okay, sweetie; nothing we did was done without us talking and agreeing in advance. I'll spare you the details. The point is this -- we were being intimate the other day when she started crying out of nowhere. I couldn't figure out why and let her cry." I took a deep breath. "She finally admitted she wanted me to... restrain her. I was shocked. I told her the truth. It would be a while before either of us would be able to play that way again." I told my daughter what I hadn't told anyone else. "I'm not sure I can ever go back to that sort of play in our intimacy, Jenna, and that has me worried about more than just that. I'm worried about us as a couple." Do I tell her what's next? Should I?

Jenna let the silence be for a few minutes then asked, "Is there something more you're trying to say, Mom?" It frustrated me terribly that I did -- but I cried. I love my Kara and I don't know if we can ever get back where we were before.

I dried my eyes, smiled at my kid and said, "We had talked about getting married. I don't know; it's too early to talk about that after what happened. Except that we did just the other day. I think we were both surprised that it came up so soon after she came back. There are so many questions, what seem like so many obstacles. I just don't know."

"God is this awkward or what -- me giving my Mother relationship advice." We both laughed. 

"Go ahead, Jenna, I'm interested to hear what your thoughts are."

"You probably know already. Give this some time. You were together for a good chunk of time. However long it was you were apart probably felt like forever. I know you, Mom. You felt like you lost half of yourself. That's how close the two of you were... at least that's how it felt to me when I was with the two of you." I smiled; she hit it on the head.

"So give it time. Things are different now; both of you are different. You need time too, Mother. If Kara does go into rehab, for however long that is, you should look into shrinkage." I laughed; my kid smiled. 

I never hid the fact I was going to... her... from my kids. It wasn't mean spirited; I just... crap, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be so open with my kids about my life. I was and I wasn't; know what I mean? I would never tell JR this stuff. And it may sound odd but Rach is too young, at least in my opinion, to talk to her like I am to Jenna. Anyway, how the hell do you know what to do? There's Dr. Phil and his ilk. He makes me puke if you want to know. 60 minutes to solve a problem? It's not much different than our 140 character world -- but I'm 56 and what do I know. Winkeroonies.

Our redheaded server (with way too many tattoos) asked, "Can I get you ladies anything else? My shift is about to end." I looked at my phone and shrieked. The movie was about to start. I grabbed some cash out of my pocketbook and handed it to the slightly startled girl.

"Sorry sweetie, we're almost late for a movie next door. We were so busy talking we lost track of time. Bye!"

Giggling like the fools we are we dashed out of the restaurant and into the theater -- just in time.

** December 29th **

Kara

We spent the day doing a whole lot of nothing. It was nice. No questions, they didn't even ask me about Kelly. To tell you the truth, it was wonderful just watching two lovers love. It made me feel closer to Lissy. Does that make sense? Well, it does to me. Dinner was good, I think. Call me a tad distracted. The conversation with Kelly was on a replay loop in my head. If Destiny or Shade noticed, they kept it to themselves. If fact, when I excused myself to bed early, they both hugged me without a word. I guess if I was them, I'd give me space too.

I hurry into my room and search for my phone. We'd been playing phone tag and I'm anxious to call my baby. Doh! Oh yeah. Shit, how do I explain this? Sitting on the edge of the bed, I see if there is any way to salvage this now pile of parts. The frame is mostly intact and the battery seems to go back into place. What all these other small pieces are, I haven't a clue. It definitely looks a bit frankensteiny but as long as it works. I push the power button, nothing. Okay, deep breath. I take out the battery to make sure the sim card is still there; it is. I replace the battery again and hold the power button down for a few seconds. "Come on." Nothing. Fuck me. Time to face the music. 

I hear the two lovers laughing as I approach. They both look up and Destiny says, "Hey you. Change your mind about dessert?" I try to smile; she notices. "Kara, what's wrong?" 

"Nothing, well my phone isn't working. Can I borrow yours?" Her eyes squint, wondering if I'm telling the whole story.

"Of course. Here you go." She holds the phone out and says, "No calling any of those phone sex places." Cute. I give her a sideways glance and take it.

"Thanks. I'll bring it back when I'm done." I turn and walk back towards the bedroom. I need to call my baby. Crawling onto the bed, I dial. When it starts to ring the anxiety hits. What do I tell her when she asks why I'm calling from Destiny's phone? Ring. Should I hang up until I figure it out? Ring. Oh hush! She won't care. Ring. Where are you Lissy? Her voicemail answers. Well crap. At least wait and tell her goodnight, she'll check it. No, she'll call back. I hang up. I lie back and wait.

Thirty minutes pass, no call. Maybe I should try her again. I look at the clock - 11:02. Never mind, she's asleep. I start to get up and there's a knock on the door. 

"Kara? Can I come in?" Sigh.

"Sure." All ready for bed in her jammies and robe, she sits down at the foot of the bed. I know I'm not hiding my disappointment well and she picks up on it immediately.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"I guess I waited too long to call Lissy cuz she didn't answer. Kinda strange she doesn't have her phone with her though. She did ask me to call." I sound pathetic. Destiny peeks over at my mangled phone on the nightstand and raises her eyebrows. "I don't want to talk about it, please."

"Okay, we don't have to, but I'm worried. And as far as Lissy goes, I bet she has her ringer off so it doesn't wake the baby. She probably just fell asleep." That makes sense. 

Why didn't I think of that? 

Cuz you're a paranoid idiot! 

"You're right... you are so right. I'm being silly. Thanks for letting me use your phone." I try to give it back but she puts her hand up.

"No, keep it tonight. In case she calls back." I smile and lean over and hug her. She pulls me tight and holds on for a few. Letting go after another quick squeeze, she grins and says, "Shade says Kelly plans on calling your boss tomorrow, maybe soften your welcome. Do you think you might be ready to go and talk to him?" Hadn't thought about doing it so soon, but I need to.

"Makes sense to get the ball rolling. I have to face him eventually and considering Mistress Kelly is taking the time to call, I really better." She nods. "I'll call tomorrow after lunch and see if I can set a meeting." I cannot imagine how that's going to go. Think positive Kara.

"Sounds splendid. You'll do fine. I don't plan on getting up too early in the morning. Do you want me to poke my head in and wake you?" Always so kind.

"Thanks, that'd be great." We hug and kiss each other on the cheek. She pops up and wiggles her fingers at me as she leaves.

** December 29th **

Lissy

"My Mother is a bacon whore!" That's how my bratty daughter greeted her husband when we got back to their home.

A startled Ian, to put it mildly, looked from Jenna to me and, after a pause, said, "Okay. That's interesting." Poor Ian was adrift in a mother-daughter ocean with no clue and no paddle. 

"Where are you taking me for dinner, husband of mine?"

Chagrined, Ian's eyes flicked to me for an instant. Bad move, dear. "Pittsburgh Blue; it's supposed to be one of the area's highest rated steak houses. Mom offered to babysit so we could go out together. I mean really, Jen, we haven't had many nights alone since the baby was born. It'll be fun -- just you and me."

Jenna looked at me. Don't! I tried to make my eyes flinty. "Thanks, Mom, for this afternoon and for taking care of Ella tonight. Ian's right; even on the days he's off we don't get out much." She shook her head. "I have to make more of an effort to find babysitters." She took a few steps, squirmed against her man, and put her arms around his neck. "I think I'll go shower and slip into the new dress Mom and I found this afternoon." Ian's eyes kept flicking my way.

"The Mom was with her daughter this morning and afternoon, the Grammy will be with her Ella tonight, and the Mother will not be happy if you two come home much before midnight. Am I clear?" They both laughed.

I sat on the sofa while the two of them were getting ready for their night out. When I heard Ella I headed upstairs to her bedroom.

"Hi sweetie. Grammy gets to spend a night with her Ella Bella." Adorable flapped her fingers on outstretched arms. I did what Grammy's do -- sat in the feeding chair with Ella in my lap and made goofy noises, sang silly songs, clapped hands with her, smothered her in kisses, and blew bubbles on her tummy. A nearly breathless Ella was still giggling when I looked up to see my beautiful first born looking beautiful, gorgeously made up, and sexy as all hell in her new dress.

"Va va voom you!" I picked up Ella and walked across the room. "Look at your sexy Mommy, will ya!!" Ella tried to leap out of my arms into her mothers. Experienced Grammy kept a tight rein on her before handing her over. "Don't let her mess up your makeup, sweetie." Momma stuck her tongue out at her Momma. I laughed.

***

I kicked them out. Yeah right! Ella cried when they left. We had dinner. Ella had apple sauce, peas, and cold chicken. Grammy had a Lean Cuisine. I'm not sure who got had the tastier dinner. We played with this toy and that. I think I read 5 books -- one of them twice. We watched movies; oh my god did we watch movies. I knew Ella was falling asleep and made the deadly mistake of lying on my back with her on my chest and tummy.

"Mom, Mom, wake up." I jolted awake. The baby! Jenna had her daughter on her shoulder. It was Ian who woke me up.

"What time is it?"

"12:30." Jenna smiled. "We did what you asked. It was a wonderful night. Let me put the baby to bed. You need to get to bed too." Ian helped me to my feet as Jenna took her daughter upstairs.

"We didn't do all that much. I guess I'm out of shape when it comes to little ones." I gave Ian a kiss on the cheek. "I'm glad you had fun tonight. You'll probably be gone when I wake up in the morning." I smiled. "Goodnight sweetie."

"Goodnight Mom and thank you. This was very much, if you'll excuse the expression, what the doctor ordered."

After a soft laugh I headed upstairs. I did my bathroom stuff, headed to the guest room, closed the door, took off my clothes, and gratefully pulled the blankets over me. I don't remember falling asleep.

** December 30th **

Lissy

I slept in Monday -- meaning till 9. After I had peed and washed my face I headed to the sounds of a Mom and her baby. 

"Look Ella, Grammy is awake." Squeals of joy followed. I ask you - how does a heart not melt? Little legs hurried to me.

I kissed my granddaughter squirmy. The kisses last for a blink and move like lightning from one site to the next.

"Here, Mom, have some coffee." My kid knows her Mom loves her morning java. Her eyes were doe soft. Woo hoo. My daughter and her man did some lovin' last night! Mission accomplished. She blushed; I smiled. No words were said.

I made toast. My kid had bacon in the microwave under a napkin. I made a couple eggs and had a wunnerful breakfast.

The rest of the day wasn't what you'd call noteworthy. The weather was what you'd call Minnesota wintery -- nothing to write home about. There wasn't anything that had to get done so we didn't. We entertained Ella, chatted about this and that, had lunch, chatted more, and so on and so forth.

It bugged me a little that Kara hadn't called so I wound up taking the bull by the horns and calling after lunch. It gave me pause when the call went to voice mail. I looked at my phone -- Damn! I had missed a call. I checked the time. Geez, I had the phone with me on the couch. It must... yeah, I remember when Jenna and Ian came home I found the phone on the couch where I'd been out cold, sound asleep. My butt must have muffled the ring tone. I left a message for Kara.

"Hi honey; this has been great. Jenna and Ian have been wonderful and I've had a fabulous time with Ella. I hope all is well with you and the girls. Call me back when you have a chance, okay?" I took a breath. "I miss you and I love you."

"What's the matter, Mom?"

"Probably nothing; I just thought I'd catch Kara and get a few minutes with her." I smiled. "I'm really glad I came, honey. I love your home and I've had the best time with all of you."

Jenna's eyes teared. She took a moment to compose herself before saying, "Honestly, I didn't think there was much of a chance you'd come, especially after you and Kara got back together. Part of me felt really selfish calling you Christmas morning. I was missing my guy and I called the one person I knew would understand." She shook her head. "I didn't know all that was going on in your world. Anyway, like I said, I'm glad you could come spend time with us."

"Hey! It's not like I'm leaving today, ya know. We have tomorrow and Wednesday too before I leave early Thursday morning. If you and Ian have friends you've made here that you want to spend tomorrow night with that would be fine. Just let me know."

"There are a few other teachers I'm sorta close to. Ian doesn't talk too much about friends he may have made at work, Mom. No one around here has invited us to do anything with them tomorrow." I detected some bitterness in her tone. "Even if we spend it here, it will be nice that you're here to celebrate the New Year with us."

** December 30th **

Kara

Morning came too quickly, but at least the night was dream free. I must have fallen asleep waiting for Lissy to call; the phone is still in my hand. I check for missed calls, none. Sighing as I stretch; a couple muscles creak and pop. Should I try and call? If her phone was off, it probably still is. Wish I wasn't so clingy, but I clearly feel an emptiness. Snap out of it! Get your arse up, take a shower and think about what you're going to say to Allen today. Mr. Leland, my boss. Ex-boss. Whatever!

You know those showers where you come out a new person? This was one of those. I slip on some jeans and a turquoise button down. Even though I leave it untucked it's hardly sloppy. The shirt is tailored nicely to my body and I always leave the bottom two buttons undone. Don't ask why, I decided it looks sexy. Hush you!

Attempting to open the door quietly proves impossible. Everything sounds so loud when you don't want it to be. The squeak from the hinge seems to bounce off every wall. I decide to grab a quick bite and some coffee while I collect my thoughts. Yes, Pop-Tarts! Lissy would gag. Blueberry, yum. I'm giggling as I throw them in the toaster and look for a mug. Found it - and the coffee is still warm. Shade must have left recently.




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 05



Leaning on the counter, I enjoy my brekky and let my mind wander. In the five years I worked for the bank, Mr. Leland and I got along rather well. I'm a nose to the grindstone type of employee and when projects came up he often looked to me. In the weeks just after Lissy and I split he was quite understanding. More than he had to be for sure. He let my tardiness slide and even let me slip out early when I needed to. Needless to say, this makes me even more of ass for just up and leaving without a word. I throw a Pop-Tart into the trash and dump the rest of my coffee. My appetite is long gone. As much as this meeting is going to be difficult, I need to get it done. If nothing else I owe him an explanation. To be honest, if Kelly hadn't decided to help, I'm not sure he would agree to see me and I certainly wouldn't blame him. I hope she was received well. 

Nearly ten and the condo is still quiet. She wasn't kidding about not getting up early. I glance at the phone again, still no calls. Like magic, it rings. Awe isn't that sweet, caller ID says 'Destiny's Shade'. What the hell, I pick it up. "Hi Shade, this is Kara." Who else would it be? Geez, I'm blonde.

"Good morning, Kara. Is my lover still snoozing?"

"As far as I know. I'll have her call you when she wakes." 

"Sure, that's fine. Actually, it works out you answered. I have some news." She covers the phone for a moment to talk to someone else then continues. "Sorry about that. Mistress Kelly has already been busy this morning. She wants me to pass on to you that Mr. Leland is expecting your call and that it seemed to go well." She's a miracle worker.

"That's incredible. How will I ever repay her, or you and Destiny for that matter?" I let out of sigh of relief.

"Easy Kara, just get better." My eyes fill. Hold it together, Kara.

"Oh Shade, thank you. That's exactly what I intend to do."

She pauses, talking to someone else again. Her voice is hurried when she comes back to me. "It's getting busy over here. Please ask Destiny to call me." Before I could respond her voice trails off and the phone hangs up. Busy, busy. I smile at the phone and start to put it in my pocket, when it vibrates. It's a text from Shade, 'Forgot to tell ya... wake that brat up!' Cute. I'll give her a few more minutes and see if I can reach Lissy. I dial, straight to voicemail. She has her phone off? What the fuck is going on? I mean we haven't spoken since the airport. Immediately the worst filters in. She's tired of dealing with my drama. Is she second guessing us getting back together?

Stop Kara! 

I would love to, but how else do you explain it? Like it or not, my mind is an evil bitch.

Thankfully, a sleepy-eyed Destiny saves me from my trip down self-destruct highway. She plops on the couch next to me and says, "What's shakin' bacon?" I shake my head, half at her and the other half kicking those terrible thoughts out of my noggin. By the way, that pretty much sums up our Monday -- the two of us on the couch and Destiny being silly. Oh wait; I did call and setup an appointment at the bank for tomorrow at one. I was only able to reach Mr. Leland's secretary and her demeanor was chilly at best. Can't say I blame her. The important thing is I have an appointment tomorrow.

Okay, I'm a blonde for sure. Another notable occurrence, I finally reached Lissy. She didn't waste any time getting to my cell phone dilemma, since her first question was 'Did you get my voicemail?' I fessed up and told her I broke my phone, though I may have left out exactly how. She didn't press and I wasn't going to offer. Instead we spent ten solid minutes catching up and ending with our usual huggy, kissy bits. Overall, I'd say it was just what I needed. In fact, for once in a long while, I slept like a baby.

** December 30th **

Lissy

I did the best I could to push away my concerns about Kara not calling. The wait ended late Monday afternoon.

"Hi baby!" I blinked away tears furiously and tried to put an easy smile in my voice.

"Hey blondie - how's my girl?"

"I'm doing swell." Oh no you're not. She doesn't talk like that Um, you're probably wondering why I'm calling on Destiny's phone." I nodded my head in agreement. "Mine kinda broke so I asked Destiny if I could borrow hers."

"That's an interesting way to put it. Exactly what happened?"

After a pause, Kara said, her voice tinny and small, "I threw it against the wall." I think I heard her swallow a sob; it took another minute before she said, "I miss you; I got frustrated with myself... and you and did something stupid." 

I waited for a bit but Kara didn't have anything else to add. "Okay, enough about the phone. How are things otherwise?"

The silence that followed was anything but golden. Finally Kara said, "Something's wrong with me, Lissy, and I don't understand it. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm either in a near panic or my mind's eye is taking me back... there." I felt myself get chills. She didn't have to spell out what 'there' meant. I could feel my eyes tear with worry.

I had no idea what to do from so far away. Add to that the fact I wasn't due to get back home until Thursday morning. I tried my best to put on a brave front for a woman I thought needed it.

"Things are really good here, lover. Jenna and I went shopping Sunday and went to a movie. I sent them out for a night of carousing and baby sat for my granddaughter." Kara giggled when I said carousing. "I know!! Jenna's eyes Monday morning told me all I needed to know!"

"Lissy, for all I didn't want you to go, I'm so glad you did. It sounds like you are having the bestest time with your kid and her kid." There was a short pause before she said, "You do miss me, right?" What's wrong with you, Kara?

Fighting to suppress my frustration, I said, "Blondie, please! You have to know I do. I miss giving you a kiss before we fall asleep and you molesting me when we wake up." She giggled; I could see her blushing. "It's not that long of a trip and we'll be doing those things we do... and god almighty I miss those things." We both laughed.

"I won't even bother telling you that I don't miss you, sugar lips." I rolled my eyes. "I have a surprise for you, Lissy, but I'm going to wait a day before I tell you what it is and what happened." You are a little shit, you little shit.

"So do you and the others have plans for tomorrow night?" Silence filled the late afternoon. 

"Geez, it's odd you asked. Neither Destiny nor Shade has said a word about New Years Eve. And to tell you the truth, I've been missing you too much to give it much thought."

I sorta, kinda knew what she was going to ask so I jumped in and said, "I'll have to ask Jenna at dinner if they have plans. I kinda doubt it from what she said this morning when we talked a little about what was going on here for them."

Kara put an end to the call when she said, "Lissy, I should go. Destiny knocked on the door and is calling me to dinner, which means Shade must be home. Now that I think about it, do you have anything you want me to tell either of them?"

I giggled. "Tell them my New Years wish is you, naked, screaming my name, all day, every day, in 2014." I heard her gasp.

"You evil wench, I love you all to hell. I had a full body shiver when you said that. Kitty... oh dear god, kitty is... oh fuck me." If you insist, lover!! "That was goddamn evil of you to do." I know!

My voice soft and sultry, I said, "You have a delicious night, blondie; I know I will." I closed the phone and laughed. I am so going to pay for that when I do get home. But more than anything, I hope it knocks some of whatever the hell is going on with Kara out of her.

Dinner went on without incident. Ian, as it turned out, doesn't get home till later. I spent time in my room to give the family time together. Jenna brought Ella to me before she put her daughter down for the night. I let my eyes tell her there would be no discussion about the phone call she knew had happened. Thankfully, my kid picked up and followed my cue.

"Everything okay in Chi-town, Mom?"

I smiled and said, "Yeah, pretty much so. There will be some stones in the road ahead but we'll make it work."

My kid, reading my bullshit meter, smiled, just like I suspected she would.

"Well, I hope to hell it works out, Mom, and bullshit me as much as you want, I know you do too."

I'm shaking my head. Damn that kid of mine! Exactly when did she learn when to push just the right button at exactly the wrong time? UGH! She held me as I cried -- again. This was getting boring!!!!

"I know, Jenna -- me too." 

I know, I know -- this is hardly the time to tell her everything I fear. Course, she may already know from what we've shared. Here's the thing I haven't had the guts to tell anyone -- I'm scared down to the deepest part of me that this thing we have may not survive whatever we have to go through to get back to... 'us.'

Not wanting to share that with my daughter I got up and left. I fell on the bed and cried. They were not happy tears.

** December 31st **

Lissy

I woke with a start. I groaned when I looked and saw the time. I knew almost at once that my sleep was neither deep nor restful and I knew why -- no late night call from Kara. I was worried about the way she acted during our call. She was 'safe' with Destiny and Shade. Wait a minute... that's not Kara's phone. Destiny's name is on the caller ID. Oh yeah, she told me she'd broken her phone. That's why caller ID showed Destiny's name. Wait a minute; if something was wrong and Destiny was calling she'd have left a message. That much I was certain of. I sighed and tried to relax.

I took the phone with me when I headed to the bathroom. As I washed my hands after peeing I looked in the mirror. UGH! Red eyes with dark, ugly circles stared back at me. You're not a pretty sight, Lissy. I shook my head and left.

I'm not the biggest fan of trite but this is what 'horns of a dilemma' means. I wanted to call and make sure everything was okay and I didn't know how early everyone gets up in the condo. Add in the fact it was December 31st so I had no idea if Shade was even going to go in the office. They both may well be sleeping in. Call me, Kara, dammit, call me.

The first thing I saw when I went into the kitchen was that coffee had been made. Yikes, Ian, you sure are up and out early! I poured a cup and sat down at the table.

Just that fast I made a decision -- I had to go home. Sure I missed my honey but there was more to it than that. She wasn't happy that I'd come; that was clear as a bell when we had talked. I knew Destiny wouldn't hold anything back when it came to Kara -- above and beyond her concern, she and Kara had become very close very, very quickly. Add in the notion that with all the sweetness came some steel. I headed upstairs to begin packing. I saved all my toiletries and cosmetics for last -- I'd put on my face after my shower, which would come after Jenna and the baby woke up.

** December 31st **

Kara

Destiny rides shotgun as we cruise over to my condo. I need to be in and out; my appointment is in less than two hours. We chat about my impending doom. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous."

"Well, duh." Smart ass. She smirks.

"If I had a chance to speak to him, maybe I'd be able to gauge his mood. As it was, his secretary just said he asked her to set the appointment if I called. Do you think that's a good or a bad sign?" Am I over thinking this?

"Kara, you're over thinking this. The fact that he's agreed to see you is an exceptional sign if you ask me. And in fact, you did." We both laugh. She's a nut.

"Yeah, I know. I just don't wanna mess this up after all the trouble everyone has gone through." I shrug and get quiet. Destiny lets it be. Well, for a minute or two anyways.

"Did you ever hear from Lissy?" I shake my head, visibly bothered. "Here, let me try her now." She dials. After what I assume is Lissy's voicemail, she says; "Hi Lissy, it's Destiny. Not sure if you recognized my number, but your lady is trying to reach you. Everything is fine, she just misses you. Give us a call on my phone when you get this message. Bye!" She looks over, obviously proud of herself. "So missy, let's talk about your phone." Of course.

"I just... I don't know. I feel fine one minute and then anger, frustration... it comes from nowhere. I never used to be like that, it's been since... well, you know." Her eyes are focused on me intently.

"I've never been addicted to a drug like that before, but I can imagine it comes with its share of side effects. From how Kelly sounded, the one you took isn't to be taken lightly. There are bound to be things you can't explain or understand. Don't beat yourself up. Just get the help you need." Her words make a lot of sense. The fact is, beyond knowing how I felt when I took them, I really have no idea of the effects after you stop. I do know my paranoia is a factor, along with the anger and insecurity. Not to mention, the physical withdrawal symptoms.

"I hate hospitals Destiny. I mean hate, hate. Also, when I let myself think of being separated from Lissy..." My hands instantly begin to shake. What the hell?

Her hand rubs up and down my arm, "I know honey, I know. Maybe there is an outpatient option. Don't get worked up yet. Let's get all the info first." She squeezes and asks, "Okay?" I nod, fighting back the tears. This is probably not good driving conversation. I turn up the radio and let us ride in silence the rest of the way. 

Getting off the elevator is almost as difficult as getting on had been. There's a reason I don't come back here. It's wrapped in a shroud of despair. "Kara? It's okay. I'm here with you." I just nod and begin taking steps towards the door. As you might have guessed, several notices are taped to the outside; a couple of which are on red or yellow paper - that's never good. I rip them down and shove them in my purse. If I wasn't so fixed on what lies on the other side of this door, I might have had the presence of mind to be embarrassed. The key turns in the lock, at least that still works, and I push it open. The staleness rushes out. There is an eeriness, a silence. My mind is sending the 'walk' message to my legs but there's no response.

The last time I was here, I ... I don't want to think about it. Lissy had come to me and I still lost my way. It seems like a different time, another person even. Destiny places her hand on the small of my back, an unspoken urging. Okay, come on legs. We walk in and all is the way I left it. You can tell it was in a hurry. The sofa pillows are on the floor, there are empty glasses on the table and my jacket is lying on the chair. Mindlessly I start to straighten up. Destiny follows suit. I mean what else is she going to do? I'm sure it's awkward. 

"Kara?" I look up, placing a pillow at the corner of the sofa. She smiles and says, "Let me do this. Go get dressed." I glance at my watch. Damn it, she's right. What am I doing?

"Thanks, I guess I got a bit distracted. I'll only be a minute." Turning, I leave her to it. The bedroom is in the same disheveled state. Don't look at it, get dressed. What's in my closet is a hodgepodge of this and that. Barb had taken most of my clothes to her place when she came to get my things. I fish around and find a navy pencil skirt. Shit, all that's left are some tanks and a couple t-shirts. Why didn't I think to go to Barb's instead? My stomach clenches. I know exactly why... things are still, well, I don't know what they are between us.

Destiny walks in and asks, "Any luck?" Shocking; she actually didn't startle me this time.

I sigh, "Not exactly. I had forgotten most of my stuff is still at Barb's. All I could find was a skirt. It's already 12:15, no time to go shopping. Damn it." Destiny squints her eyes in thought.

"I got it!" Before I could ask, she takes off her blouse. It's a simple white button down. After handing it to me as she walks past, a topless Destiny starts rummaging through the closet. Yes, I looked. Shut up! Having found an off-white tank, she turns and blushes. "Ummm... mind if I borrow a shirt?" We laugh.

We both commence to undressing and dressing. There may have been some peeking; I'm not telling. Done! I look in the full length mirror and hand comb my hair as I assess the outfit. "Nice work Destiny." She winks at me as I look at her in the mirror.

After all was said and done we arrive at my office with a few minutes to spare. Sitting in the parking garage, my palms are sweating. It's show time. Glancing over at Destiny, I say, "Staying here, or do you want to wait in the lobby?"

"Actually, I think I'll grab a coffee. I saw there was a Starbucks on the first floor." 

"Great idea, I'll walk you there and then head up." I give her a 'let's go' signal as I open the car door. The street is busy and we wade through to the front door.

"Okay kiddo, good luck." She pats her jacket pockets and says, "Oh! I need my phone." No inkling why but I didn't want to give it to her. Maybe it feels a bit like a lifeline to Lissy. I grimace and hand it over. "You okay? I'll let you use it again. I just want it while I'm waiting." Geez I'm pathetic. If I can't deal with a phone, how am I going to deal with this meeting? I force a smile. She adds, "Do you want me to walk you up?" Shake it off, Kara.

"Nope, I got this! Be back soon, chickadee!" Fake it 'til you make it! I open the door without looking back and ride this temporary confidence to the elevator. As soon as I step in, my mind begins racing. People are getting on and off as I take it to the eighth floor. Ding! Okay Kara, walk. Seems simple enough. I make my way to his secretary's desk and wait for her to acknowledge me.

The desk is multi-tier, black onyx and sits in front of a paneled wall adorned with the bank's logo. Janie is busy on the phone and glances up as I approach. She signals for me to give her a moment. Good, I need time to get my heart rate under control. It's difficult to hold still; my tendency is to pace. I pretend to walk along the back wall, looking at the framed photographs of the founder, past presidents and the like. I've been up here dozens of times and never really noticed them.

"Kara!" Her voice is excited as she scurries around the desk and practically trots over. She pulls me into a huge hug. Umm, okay. I guess I did drop off the face of the earth. Leaning back but keeping her arms around me she says, "I was so happy to hear from you." That's funny; she seemed nonchalant when I called early. Maybe she was busy? Just smile and shut-up Kara. I do and she responds with her own and another hug. This time she holds on for several moments. Truth be told, it made me uncomfortable. 'Touch' has a new meaning since Veronica. I shiver at the thought and Janie lets go, unsure what's wrong.

I recover quickly. "It's great to see you too. I've missed you." Nice cover-up. Her smile says she thinks so too. I giggle - on the inside. 

"I'll tell Allen you're here."

"Thanks." She returns to her desk, picks up the phone and turns her back. I can't make out what she says. I'm sure that was the point. Seconds later, his door swings open and he appears -- looking just as I remembered him. Forgive the cliché; he's the epitome of talk, dark and handsome. He exudes confidence and professionalism. Now that I think of it, it's no surprise he and Kelly know each other.

"Hello, Miss Thornton. Come in, please." Well that was formal, not a good start. I hold my hands together to conceal the trembling. He motions to one of the leather wingback chairs across from his desk. I sit and cross my legs. Hold it together Kara. Even sitting, he towers over me. He stares down at me, forehead creased and lips thin. "I was surprised when I received a call from one of the bank's most important customers this morning. She told me a former employee, you, would be contacting me for a meeting. I suggested she was mistaken. I haven't heard from said employee since she walked out of this office weeks ago without a trace or word one." His voice never wavers. "She wouldn't give me particulars, but asked me, as a personal favor, to take the meeting." My chin buckles but I don't cry. "Make no mistake Miss Thornton, that is the only reason you are sitting here." 




Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 05



I expected anger and disappointment. I told myself that whatever happens, I'd take the position of complete disclosure. Chin up, I muster all the strength I can find. "Mr. Leland, thank you for seeing me. I understand your frustration and realize that this meeting is a gift." I pause to collect my thoughts and continue, "I won't take your time with excuses; I'm addicted to Oxycontin. I began taking it after falling into deep depression, following the break-up with the love of my life. I lost my way." As much as I tried, the tears still fell. I ignore them and talk through it. "I'm here at your mercy. I need to get my life back on track. That starts with becoming productive again, focusing. My job here was... is important to me. I would do..." He stops me by lifting a hand.

I await his response, but it doesn't come. His eyes are distant, entrenched in thought. Finally, he clears his throat and looks at me. "I appreciate your candor. Without going into detail, I know about addiction. Admission is a feat in itself. You have it wrong though; it doesn't start with becoming productive. It begins with getting healthy. Not just physically but emotionally. The road is an arduous one." He stands and I follow him with my eyes as he walks to the fully stocked bar. "Miss Thornton, can I offer you some water or coffee?" Okay.

"Water would be fine, thank you." Opening the mini fridge, he grabs two bottles of water and walks back over. He hands me one and sits in the chair opposite me.

Our eyes are locked. His green eyes are... empathetic? Maybe there's hope. After a few swigs of water he says, "You coming back to work here would raise a lot of questions - not only with other staff members but also the board. We have a strict substance abuse policy and don't think highly of an employee just walking out on their position." I begin fiddling with the cap of my water bottle. I should have known. Before I can thank him for his time he adds; "But these challenges are not insurmountable." Really? "You would have to agree to admit yourself into a treatment facility for rehabilitation. Only after we receive a clean bill of health would I consider you eligible for rehire." My heart is thundering. Am I hearing this right? Rehire? I keep listening. "Having said that..." He stands and walks to the door. Should I follow? "I cannot guarantee your position will still be available when and if that time comes."

I join him in the doorway. "I understand completely, sir. I've been considering some outpatient options, I'm positive I'll be able to return soon." I'm excited and am talking quickly. I can't help it.

"Kara?" Kara? I fix my eyes on him. "Please get help." I nod; of course. "Real help. Not the minimum to get back to work. You need to find somewhere that will give you the best chance of recovery. A recovery that is permanent. Take it from me; it's easy to slide backwards." The earnestness of his voice washes over me. He's right. "Don't hurry back. I have a hunch your position will be waiting for you." He winks. "Just let Janie know what you decide and your approximate return date."

Smiling, "Thank you... Allen." He smiles back and hugs me. Wow! I turn and walk out. I practically skip to the elevator. It could not have gone better! Lissy is going to be ecstatic!

** December 31st **

Destiny

The Starbucks is bustling, but I manage to find a relatively quiet table in the corner. With my coffee too hot to drink, it's a perfect opportunity to make a call I've been dreading. It's an internal battle between my loyalty as a friend and betraying her trust to protect her. It has to be done; the consequences of delaying outweigh the alternative. Shade will know what to do; I dial her cell. Three rings, she must be busy.

Her voice is hurried when she answers. "Is this my Destiny or her faithful sidekick?"

"Cute, lover."

"I thought so. Sec, babe." Yep, busy. This isn't the time. "Back. Trying to get everyone out of here early for New Year's; it's a bit chaotic."

"Figured. We can talk later," I say, the distress laden in my voice.

"Destiny, give me just a minute and you will have my full attention. It's important." As promised, she finds her way to a quiet place; probably her office. "Okay, lover. What is it? I don't like the sound of your voice."

"It may be nothing. No, that's not true, it's Kara. She seems fine mostly, but something is definitely off."

"Off how? Give me specifics, please."

"For one, her phone isn't just broken. She threw at something and shattered it. Also, when we're talking, she zones out and I have to bring her back. She's trying to cover it up but I think it even confuses her, scares her." Shade keeps quiet, listening intently. I remember something from earlier and add, "Today, at her condo, we were in a hurry to find some clothes and get to her meeting. But when we stepped off the elevator, she was spooked. I had to urge her along and after entering, she began walking around tidying up. It was just, well, strange is the best way I can describe it." I let out a deep sigh, on the brink of tears.

"Destiny, listen to me. You may have only known her a short time but you've become fast friends. Trust your instincts. From what you described, I'm quite concerned and I haven't been with her as much as you have. My advice would be to call Lissy." Yeah, I figured. Guess I needed to hear it from her.

"You're right. I should have plenty of time before Kara is through; I'll try and call now. Hopefully she'll pick up." Anxiety is setting in.

"Lover, you're doing the right thing. I know it may feel as if you're betraying her, but that's not the case. You're being a true friend and that's something she needs right now. Especially now." Wise, as always. One of the many reasons I love my woman.

"Okay. Thank you, Shade. I love you."

"You're welcome, honey. I love you too. I should be home by the time you two get back. See you soon." She gives me a loud smoochie and hangs up. I take a few sips of my coffee while I collect my thoughts, then dial. Lissy, please answer.

She does after the first ring. "Hello?"

"Hi Lissy, I'm relieved you answered." Not the best way to start.

"What's wrong? Is Kara alright?" Damn, I've worried her before I've even begun.

"Yes Lissy, she's fine." Wait, that's not true either. Get it together Destiny! Before she has a chance to ask more questions, I continue. "Lissy, I'm sorry. I really didn't think about what I was going to say before calling. Let me start over." Deep breath. "Kara's behavior is worrying me. One minute she's fine and the next she acts lost, confused even. I haven't called her attention to it, not wanting to add to her anxiety." It's noisy wherever Lissy is but she's silent. "I maybe should have called sooner but each 'episode' in and of itself seems normal considering what she's been through. All together though... well, I needed to tell you, get your thoughts and find out what I should do." I listen closely, she's crying. I had decided before calling to leave out specifics until we could talk in person; her reaction verifies it was a prudent choice.

"Destiny... thank you for calling. I know you're in an awkward position and that you care for her. I'm feeling guilty as hell for leaving. I saw it in her eyes before I left, I just didn't want to... I wanted to think she was better. God, I just want her back. My Kara." Lissy sniffles, fighting back the tears. I look up and Kara is coming through the door, huge smile on her face. I need to prepare Lissy.

"Lissy, Kara is walking up. Her meeting must be over, she looks extremely happy."

"Understand. Just put her on the phone, I'll take care of it. And Destiny? Thank you." Arms fly around me as she jumps up and down. I can't help but to join in. When she lets go, she notices I'm holding the phone out. Her eyebrows go up, questioning.

"It's Lissy." She shrieks. Oh geez. She snatches the phone from me and the joy begins to pour out.

"Baby! I love you! I mean like love, love you." Not sure how she can talk with how big her smile is right now. "Yep! It went fanfuckingtastic. He says if I get a clean bill of health after some kind of rehabilitation, I'm in like Flynn." She giggles and says, "No silly, he didn't use those words." Lissy must be going nuts on the other end. Kara's excitement is growing, however that's possible. "Mm hmm. I'm going to start looking for rehab programs as soon as we get back to Destiny's." She pulls me into a sideways hug, I think it's so she doesn't lift off the ground! "Oh Lissy, I can't wait to have you home. I want to..." She blushes. "Just get back here!" Another quick moment; "Bye, baby. Mm hmm."

Another shriek, more jumping. I'd say we should sit and have some coffee, but the thought terrifies me. Wink!

*** December 31st 

Lissy

Okay, that phone call from Destiny was confirmation, in a way, of my worst fears - fears that had no real basis. Kara and I had only talked a couple of times since I'd landed Saturday. The first was fine. The one that followed was the reason I was at the airport this morning. Oh yeah -- about being at the airport. I hadn't told Destiny where I was, especially after Kara walked up to her. The two of them have gotten so close that I didn't think she'd be able to keep it from my blondie.

The conversation with Jenna wasn't a difficult one. When I told her what I wanted to do her face showed disappointment. She recovered quickly and told me she was in 100% agreement with my decision.

"I'm all packed, honey. Would you mind if we left now? I'm going to go standby. I have no idea when I'll get a flight but I figure the earlier I get to the airport the better my chances."

"No problem at all, Mom. Let me get Ella ready."

That was about it. The drive to the airport went pretty well; I really got lucky in the sense there was no snow falling. An airport is not the place for long goodbyes -- at least when you're in a car.

"Thank you for coming, Mom. I love my dress." She smiled. "So did Ian." I smiled as I nodded. My oldest kissed me. "You and Kara do whatever you have to. She's wonderful. I hope whatever she's going through doesn't make this love story of yours too difficult. Let me pop the trunk; you grab your bag and go." I turned and looked in the back seat. My Ella Bella was sound asleep. Jenna and I smiled at each other. Cars are fabulous baby sitters!!

New Years Eve -- I don't know what the hell I was thinking about doing what I was doing. But I'd done it and I would stay with it until I was back in Chicago and with my Kara. I stood in the interminable line that moved at the speed of sludge. I don't travel enough but my flight up and back was done online. I wondered as the line crawled if most of the people were like me -- making last minute changes that doomed them to... oh geez. I realized I had no idea what was in store for me other than this line.

I have to commend him -- the agent was very pleasant. I explained, without explanation, that I needed to change my plans at the last minute and get home. I acknowledged that I had no idea what all this entailed or (gulp!) what it might cost.

"Let's see what we can do, Ms. Stone. How was your Christmas?" Oh my!

"Well, I left Chicago last Saturday after spending a delightful Christmas with family and friends to come see my daughter, her husband and my granddaughter. It was wonderful; they moved here late last summer. We all miss them."

Never taking his fingers off the keyboard or his eyes off the screen, he replied, "My wife and I have much the same plight. Two of ours live out of state; one lives here." He shook his head. "It's a challenge to balance work and family, especially around the holidays." He looked up, smiled, and said, "I guess we're one version of a modern family." I laughed.

"I'm looking at the spectrum of what flights have available seats and what may be your best chance of getting something on stand-by. There's a 12:40 American that looks promising. The 1:05 on United isn't." He looked up at me and said, "If that doesn't work, there's a 2:30 on United." He shrugged. "We'll have to see."

"Do I have to go through this line every time?" 

He shook his head. "Come back here; I'll take care of you." His eyebrows wiggled a little.

I smiled and said, "The woman I'm going home to would probably be upset if I succumbed to your charms."

"Um, well yes, of course she would." He studied the screen. "Go ahead and go to gate 27." He handed me a boarding pass. "If it doesn't work out, you'll come back here." He smiled. "We'll get you home today, Ms. Stone."

** December 31st **

Kara

The entire way back to Destiny's I was jabbering about my meeting. She's already learned it's best to just sit quietly and let me get it all out. When I finally reach the part about me hugging him, we were already opening her front door. Shade looks like she made it home moments before us; she still has her purse on her shoulder and keys in hand.

"Hi lover," Destiny coos. Aren't they adorable? They both drop their purses where they stand and embrace. Yes, lots of kissy face ensues. Sigh, I miss my baby. I try not to disturb them as I scoot past. "Kara!" I wince and turn back.

"Seriously sis? Why do you insist on scaring me?" It came out more agitated than I really am.

"Testy, testy." She sticks her tongue out and says, "You're coming with us tonight, right?" I have no idea what she's talking about, my mien echoing my confusion. "Didn't I tell you? We're invited to an exclusive soiree at Connie's. Only a hundred of her closest friends will be there." She snickers. "It's a wonderful way to bring in the New Year." I scrunch my nose; my bed sounds better. She adds, "Look, I may have presented it as a question, but it wasn't. You're going. I'm not letting you sit around and mope over Lissy. Plus, if you don't go, I don't go." Her lip goes out. Oh for shit's sake.

"Yeah fine, whatever. But I'm not getting dressed up and don't make me talk to anyone." I admit, I'm kinda relieved she's guilting me into going. Sitting here really wouldn't be healthy.

Shade smiles and asks me, "How did your meeting go?" Destiny grabs her by the arm and ushers her away.

"Uh uh. We need to get ready; I'll fill you in while we shower." She looks over her shoulder and winks at me. What a brat. First the kissing, now a shower? Thursday cannot get here quick enough. 

Drip drying after my shower, I'm searching for something to wear. I rifle through my bag. I believe I have a few things still in there. Besides some extra panties and socks it's no help. Wait; the hair stands up on the back of my neck. I blink a few times; they must have been hiding in one of the creases. My hand shakes as I reach for them, sure it's a mirage. The two green pills are burning into my skin. Flush them Kara!!! I sit down on the bed, woozy. The decision seems so clear but all I can do is stare.

No! I can't do this again. I rush to the toilet, lift the lid and hold my hand over the bowl. Drop them!

I can't. 

You CAN! "FUUUUCK!!" I slam them down on the tank and storm back into the bedroom. Grabbing whatever, I get dressed. I don't care; no one is going to be there that I give a shit about. What about Destiny? 

Shut UP! Leave me alone. Oh god help me, I'm going crazy. Deep sobs overcome me and I fall to the floor. "Lissy, please come home. I'm not... I can't make it without you."

"Oh honey," she answers.

"Lissy?" I'm pulled to my feet and she holds me close. Why is it when someone hugs you, you cry harder? Is it the permission to let go? I do - let go. Her arms keep me from falling into the abyss that is my mind, my doubts and fears. She rocks me gently; I'm safe.

"Kara, sweetheart?" That's not her. I try to squirm away, she holds on. Oh no, let me go! "Kara! Stop! It's me!"

"Let me go!" I scream. She releases me enough to see my face, but keeps hold of my arms.

"Look, look, look! It's Destiny, honey. Shhhh." I am; I'm going out of my mind. Closing my eyes, I let all the air out of my lungs at once. "It's okay. I'll stay with you; we don't need to go anywhere. I should have thought about a party being too much too soon." She lifts my chin and caresses my cheek with her thumb. "Can I hold you?" I nod and she pulls me to her. Focusing on slowing my breathing, I relax in her arms.

"Destiny?" I whisper.

"Hmm?"

"I want to go to the party, really." It's an utter lie but a needed one. I won't keep her from going or let fear win.

She leans back and scans my face. Skeptically, she replies, "You don't seem like you're in the 'mood' for a party. I'm okay with staying home, promise."

"Well, I'm not! I let myself get overwhelmed but I need to face these things." I hold my head up in mock confidence.

Destiny's eyes narrow, "Humph. I guess, but I'm going to be watching you like a hawk. Any sign of anxiety and we're coming home. I don't suppose you wanna talk about why you were crying?"

Shaking my head I say, "Not now. I'm fine, or at least I will be. Let me get cleaned up and I'll be out in a few minutes." She reluctantly turns to leave. 

Cold water on your face does wonders. I add some light make-up and blow dry my hair. May I make a confession? I can't stop thinking about them - the pills. I feel so damn weak. A spritz of perfume and I walk to the door. Just as my hand grabs the knob, I stop and go back. Fuck. Telling myself some pointless lie, I stuff both pills in the pocket of my jeans. Somehow it relaxes me, knowing they are there if I need them. Need Kara, really? Sigh.

When I reach the front door, Shade and Destiny are in a lip lock. A clearing of my throat brings giggles from them both. No, they don't stop kissing. It normally wouldn't bother me, but tonight it's making me anxious. I leave them and look for my coat and purse. 

** December 31st **

Lissy

You really don't care about my travel travails; you just want to know if I got home. Well I did. It was a 7:30 flight on Delta and I was damn glad to get squeezed into a 'B' seat in the back of the plane. I had blown my diet on a Big Mac, fries and a Coke 90 minutes earlier when a promising seat vanished at the last minute.

Whatev!! I called... oh crap. I didn't know if Destiny or Kara would answer when I called the last number I had on my incoming calls.

"Hello?" It was Destiny; her voice sounded thin, hurried. I was walking from the plane, through the maze that was the terminal, heading to what I prayed would be an available cab to take me -- geezuz, wherever my Kara was.

"Hey Destiny; how's everything? Is Kara there? I just landed and am heading to the cab launching area."

"Uh, yeah, I'd say everything's okay, honey." I stood stock still. Destiny's words left me with chills. "Wait! You're here; in Chicago? How did you do that? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Listen you; tell me what the hell is going on. I came home on a wing and a prayer. I want to know -- is she okay?"

The response was rushed. "Lissy, we're at Connie's. Do you know where it is?" I felt panic sneaking into my soul.

"Pretty much, Destiny. Shade invited me to dinner there and Kara and I... okay, I'm next for a cab. I'm going to say goodbye and I'll see all of you... shit; whenever we... I get there. I'll explain everything when I see Kara. Bye for now."

The cab ride was miserable. It was clear the revelers were out on the roads heading to wherever they were going to ring in the New Year. The surface streets weren't much better. But eventually we got to our destination. I paid the fare, tipped the pleasant young man well, and wished him a safe and Happy New Year.

** December 31st **

Kara