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A Heretic's Heart

By: wistfall1



Chapter 1

My story is one of dismay born of a shocked heart and mind, and who knows what of my soul, if such there is.

Doubting was something new to me, specifically about my church beliefs. I had gone to church faithfully since shortly after I was born, my parents being faithful Christians, and attending the same church for many years.

It was a good church, one in which most of the people were very friendly, always concerned about each other, and more than willing to help when one was in need. For the longest time I was more than comfortable in it, had many friends, though none were really close. There were a few of us that one could say constituted a group; that is, where one of us was when not at home, the others were usually there too.

Much was preached about love, and some of the scriptures were expounded from the pulpit. As far as being radically opposed to certain things as some churches were, that was not the case in our church, yet those things were preached against from time-to-time. While much was made of politics in some churches, and some politicians loudly pushed their beliefs as they stumped for votes for whatever election was to be held, our preacher didn't follow in that vein. Still, he did agree with much of what was said, and occasionally sprinkled his sermons with those beliefs.

Conservatism, "family values", and most of all, our "family" of believers coming together to hear the word of God, and enjoy fellowship with each other as we praised God thereby, could be said to be what we were. If there was such a thing as Americana, I thought it was in our church. We were homogenous, though exclusively anglicized, though no attempt was made to make us exclusively so—it just happened naturally.

We, the group, all were a part of the Young Christians, and our leader was the Youth Minister, Brother Albert. He was a good person, personable, and did all he could to make things interesting for us. Helping him was his betrothed, Maggie, another good and sweet person that we all liked. She too, made our meetings something to be looked forward to.

My problem started when I began to grow uncomfortable around my group, as well as other girls, particularly, Mary Beth. At first, I hid my nascent feelings very well, but in time, they started to grow to where I had to work on them, suppress the strange sensations I was beginning to feel whenever I was around her, or later, when she just came to my mind as a thought, or even just a sensing. It all began to be too much for me, and unfortunately, I was made to truly wonder about what was happening within me. Thankfully, Mary Beth wasn't a part of our group, nor in my gym class.

Worse though was that homosexuality was being mentioned too much in the news in so many ways that it was just about impossible for it to escape my wondering mind if that was my problem—was I a homosexual, a lesbian?

I hadn't had any problems after gym classes when they ended and we all took our communal shower, but my wondering about me and how I was starting to feel toward Mary Beth had me becoming uncomfortable. That was in my junior year of high school, and I was worrying about not just my new feelings, but about my senior year yet to come. However, seeing all of the girls in the new light that had my attention didn't help as I began to wonder what Mary Beth looked like too.

At the time I thanked God for all of the good teachings that were given to me in his church thus when thoughts of my unseemly new nature tried to occur to me, I reminded myself of God's will, his desires for all of us, and for my salvation, of course. I also worried that somewhere along the line I might slip and thus be noticed, or just as bad, that I would be seen in an extreme distancing of myself from Mary Beth, and set people to wondering.

Needless to say, I began to suffer the pangs of hell. It didn't help when those times when our pastor did take up what was increasingly popular in conservative circles, and let us all know the abomination homosexuality was in the sight of God, and what would befall those who gave into such sinning. I was increasingly becoming sure that I must have homosexual tendencies, though why was something that troubled me sorely.

My days were a living hell, if such a thing were possible, as I was plagued by the sight of the girls in the shower in my senior year, and yearned for Mary Beth more and more until she was an obsession with me. Just what I yearned to do with Mary Beth was a mystery, and I dared not try to learn just what lesbian love was. That would surely be self inflicted punishment on myself.

In time, my normal way of being began to be noticed as changing; to be certain, my worrying drove me to be more solitary. That I was thought to be very studious helped me as the others in our group, as well as my parents, thought I might be worrying about getting into a good college, and thus was becoming even more serious in my studies. Of course, I did nothing to dispel that notion. I needed all the help I could muster, and there was little I could come up with to help myself. No, I was grateful for every gift of circumstance that presented itself.

Thankfully, I did get through my senior year, and graduated third in my class of over four hundred. It was enough to gain me a scholarship to a good college, and best of all, though I hated it, Mary Beth was going to a different college, and some distance away. All in our group were going to different colleges also.

Chapter 2

There were so many subjects that interested me, so I couldn't say what major I aspired to, so I left it open, more or less, as a liberal arts major. The new setting gave me a respite from my growing obsession with Mary Beth, but that only opened me up to the many other girls in the college. Thankfully I was very busy with my schedule and beginning classes, so I was able to act as if those were my only interests.

Thankfully, there were three other girls in my dorm room, and two of them were very interested in the great selection of young men, particularly if they were jocks. The other one was pretty anti-social, or put on that facade, which I suspected it was. At any rate, the two, Julie and Terri were often out, so that left me to study in peace. However, all the classes I was taking were pretty easy for me. Dara, the unsocial one, was generally out, but when she was there, she buried her nose in her books too.

Scouring the map as to where what was where, I located a few nearby churches, and went to all of them one after the other. The last one seemed to be the one I would be most comfortable in, but only attended the worship services. The pastor seemed similar to Pastor Henson from my home church.

I breezed through all of my classes and made the Dean's List. That made it easier for me to be a bit more selective in my optional classes. I was loving college, and very relived not to have to take gym classes and shower afterward, though I do have to admit to regrets over that too.

While home for the holidays, I enjoyed my time with my family, and going to my home church and singing all of the traditional Christmas songs, caroling through the neighborhood, and generally enjoying all of the festivities. Though I was disappointed, I was glad I didn't run into Mary Beth for there had been too many times when her picture magically appeared in my mind and sending hoped for expectations, but of what, I still had no idea.

I knew I feared trying to find out what exactly it was that lesbians did to show their love. Feared it, yes, but still some part of me felt a thrill when I did wonder about it. Fortunately those times didn't happen too often, but enough so that they seemed to grow in me as time went on.

During what was supposed to be summer vacation, I stayed at the college and worked to help with the expenses. My parents approved, though I knew they worried. I assured them that it was a safe job in a good neighborhood, and that there were no late nights.

When my second year began, I decided to take a class in Ancient Egyptian History, a class that would begin a quest in me that would shake my soul and all that I previously believed. To make matters worse—or better, but not immediately—I noticed a blonde with a svelte, delicate, and sexy figure and a face that was as fragile looking as could be. Worse, or better, was a matter of opinion, and I held to both as she began to haunt me with each sighting of her. Then too, there was a time when our eyes met and we smiled at each other. My life would never be the same.

Still, the good student in me was in charge when it mattered, and I loved the class about Egypt and thanked myself for taking it. Surprisingly, the two things that stayed with me the most was the era of the Tuthmosis Pharaohs, and how it was that Hatshepsut, the wife of one of them, was herself a Pharaoh and ruled, apparently, very well until the time when the young son of her husband by another wife came of age.

Hatshepsut proved an able ruler, or so it was recorded, until Tuthmosis III was about twenty-two. Another thing that surprised me was that Tuthmosis III was cited as the greatest of Egypt's warrior Pharaohs, being dubbed The Napoleon of Egypt. Until then, I'd always thought that Ramesses II, the Pharaoh believed by just about everyone I knew to be the Pharaoh of the Exodus.

In short order, we came to Ramesses II. His exploits in battle were just about as daring as Tuthmosis III. Both had traveled long distances through Canaan and beyond to battle their foe. Though Ramesses nearly was beaten, the manner in which he was said to have saved the day was something else, and eventually had a peace treaty that seemed to leave his territorial hegemony intact, which seemed to be beyond Syria.

That set my mind to push out a thought that I'd not seen, nor did anyone I knew of had either: If this Ramesses was the Pharaoh of the Exodus, how was it possible for the Jews to do as the bible said they did? It didn't make sense. Ramesses ruled as if he'd won his battle instead of fighting to a draw, meaning he had control of all of Canaan and beyond. That thought bothered me such that I decided to ask the preacher where I had been going to church on Sundays. When I did get him alone, I wished I hadn't.

"In the class I'm taking, Ramesses II, according to what is known, controlled all of Canaan and beyond."

"Yes," he interrupted me a bit impatiently. "And?"

"I had to wonder about what I thought I knew, and hoped you could maybe help my understanding," I said as he nodded his head, again as if wanting to get it all over and out of the way. "Forgive my ignorance, but somehow I had always thought that he was the Pharaoh of the Exodus though the bible doesn't mention him as such by name. Is he?" I dared to ask even more nervous than when I began.

"Young lady, what they don't teach you in school is that faith is the most important thing to have both in your heart and in your mind as well. Who the Pharaoh was is not important; what is important is that you believe in what the bible tells you for it is the word of God. I hope that gives you peace of mind."

"Uh, yes sir, and thank you," I said not able to leave as quickly as I suddenly wanted to.

To tell the truth, I felt as if I'd been slapped much as if I'd been a naughty child who just wouldn't mind her parents. Though I felt as if I'd been chastised, and my mind seemed to have gone blank, it later troubled me even more. In a couple of days, when I had some free time, I opened my bible, and lo and behold, I found where Jacob had been given a parcel of land for the Jews in the land of Ramesses, and probably much later on, that the Jews were made to build Pithom and Raamses.

Looking further, the time of the Jews in Egypt was four hundred and thirty years. Surely, I thought, it didn't take them that long to build those cities, if indeed they did build them. If not, then there couldn't have been a "land of Rameses" as in Genesis, as Ramesses wasn't even born yet. Even in those days, it couldn't have taken that long to build them. It continued to vex me. For certain, Ramesses II wasn't the Pharaoh who could not stop the Jews from pillaging Canaan.

When the Christmas holidays came, again I was at home, and decided to ask Pastor Henson; surely he'd be much easier to talk to about this.

I was right, he was easier to talk to, but...

"Jennifer, that's a good question. The movies sort of suggest that the Pharaoh might be Ramesses, but then maybe not," he said with a truly perplexed furrow of his brow. "However, the one thing we must keep in mind is that we must have faith that the bible is the word of God, and somewhere it all makes sense. It is a pretty big book, isn't it?" he ended with a smile.

As I thought, he was friendlier, but the question still wasn't answered, and neither of the two pastors knew the answer. In my heart and mind I knew it couldn't have been Ramesses, but who was it, and more importantly, when did it happen?

* * * *

My wondering was set aside when I returned to take my next semester. It was time to seriously work on my studies and hope I didn't dream too much about whoever that blonde girl was that so troubled me, though I did hope to see her again and often. That last hope came true.

I'd elected to take a class on Significant Women in History. It sounded interesting, something I would like to know about. It had to cover more than Joan of Arc, Amelia Earhart and Marie Curie. It was a class that I was really looking forward to when I thought of it. Men had always been at the forefront of just about everything so I wondered what all this class might hold since little had ever been taught about us.

Sitting in the class early, I was more than surprised to hear her.

"Hi, I'm Paige; mind if I sit next to you?"

Turning, I saw her and my mouth flew open but no words came out, at least not right away.

"Sure, and Hi, I'm Jennifer."

"Hey, Jennifer. I wondered if we'd ever meet. I've seen you around a lot."

"Yeah, me too. Seen you a lot, that is," I stumbled as I tried to control my excitement.

"This class seemed so interesting when I saw it. I just had to take it. Wonder what it'll really be like?"

"Me too," I agreed. "I'm looking forward to it; I hope we're not disappointed.

We weren't disappointed by the class, and I was quickly having to learn to control my heart rate and my wandering mind that couldn't seem to keep from wondering about Paige. Wondering and wanting to dream!

My first instant reverie where Paige was concerned was interrupted by her.

"What's your schedule? I mean, do you think we have any other classes together, or lunch period?"

She had a combination of a near squeaky, yet soft voice that was like a beautiful somewhat high pitched music note. Already I loved hearing her speak, but as luck would have it, we had no other classes together, but we did have the same lunch period every day.

"Wanna have lunch together?" she asked.

"That'd be nice," I told her honestly, if maybe a bit too honestly.

* * * *

Right on schedule, we met in the cafeteria and sat to lunch. I still had a problem in having to remind myself not to stare at her, yet several times I caught her as if staring at me. It was odd, and it confused me, but somehow it gave me a good feeling, one of hope, for I was wanting to see more of her any way I could. Well, almost any way.

Our initial class had been as expected, an overview and a syllabus outlining all that was to come. We spent our lunch eating, trying not to stare at each other, and minor talk about things in general as they might apply to us. There really wasn't much time before we had to head to our next separate class. What I remember most about our time together was that she had a slightly lighter color of blonde hair, and blue eyes that were like a light blue ice. That, and her eyes seemed to light up as she looked at me.

I didn't think much about it at the time, but I told her about my wondering about Egypt, the Exodus, and how it was a mystery to me.

"You're pretty much into church, huh?"

"Yes, I guess so. I've always gone to church with my family, and while I'm here, I found one to attend worship services at."

I told her about the pastor there, and how he reacted to my question.

"Will you still be going there?" she asked.

"I guess so. Honestly, now that you ask, I don't know. How about you? Are you into church?"

"Catholic," was her one word answer.

"I'm not sure I know much about Catholicism."

"We have a mass; more a ritual thing."

"You don't sound too enthusiastic about it," I gently prodded.

"I'm not. I haven't gone since I've been here."

"Oh." What could I say other than that?

* * * *

Lunch together became the usual thing with us, but if accidentally or subconsciously wished, we also quickly started our mornings having breakfast together also though most times it was just coffee and something small, if anything else at all. Paige preferred hot camomile tea which they offered us. When I tried it, I sometimes had that too sans sugar as Paige did always.

Though we talked, and often about our class together, I couldn't help but stare at the delicacy of her face, it's porcelain beauty and fine features. When I looked into her unusual eyes, I tended to want to get lost in them, to try to plumb their depths. Her beauty was amazing, so rare, especially when looked at up close where one could really appreciate all of her beauty.

As time went on, we both were enjoying the class, and were both fairly shocked at much of what we were learning. It was unbelievable that so many well educated and qualified women often worked without pay. In talking, we couldn't help but feel the excitement of knowing just how much had been accomplished by women, and some anger that much more might have been accomplished had it not been for the prevalent attitudes of what a woman should be doing instead of what was considered man's work.

Aside from the usual well known females like Margaret Mead, Jane Goodall, and others made famous by our media and attained celebrity status, there were, and still are, so many women of more than great talent. We tirelessly spoke of all of them reverently. Those conversations helped to seal our bonding to each other, though at the time neither of us noticed that.

The one woman who most held our fascination, as well as our admiration, was Hypatia who was said to be one of Alexandria Egypt's most learned and powerful women. It is said that she was killed in the most horrific of ways and all because she was a close friend of Orestes, the Roman prefect (political leader), and was consulted by him instead of Cyril, the local Catholic bishop.

Cyril spoke out against her because of her knowledge and popularity. It was thought that he may have used her being a Pagan to incite a mob, some thought to consist of monks, who dragged her from her chariot into a church and cut her to skin her with sharpened oyster shells, all while she was still alive, then burned her.

Needless to say we shuddered. Many, we were led to believe, thought that this signaled not only the close of women in science, but as a warning to other scientists not to cross the church, particularly their teachings. We knew from other, well documented evidence, that this was more than true from Galileo and Copernicus, to many others who had discovered other facts but were too fearful of letting them be known for fear of the church.

Personally, Hypatia became my heroine, and I suspected, Paige's too. However, there were, and are, so many others of astounding example and merit. A close favorite was Rosalind Franklin who actually was the first to see the DNA double helix, but didn't pay it due attention, else she might have been considered the discoverer of DNA. Her work was apparently taken without permission by an associate who fashioned himself as her superior, Maurice Wilkins, who shared her work without permission with Watson and Crick, and also shared the Nobel prize for the discovery of DNA. No mention was made of Rosalind's plagiarized work, much less given any credit.


A Heretic's Heart



For the first time in my life, I uttered the word "Bastards" under my breath as I sat and fumed at the miscarriage and inflated male egos. Surely I had thought of saying the same for Cyril who so hated being upstaged by Hypatia's knowledge and popularity, but her image was powerful in me in such a revered way that it overshadowed my contempt for Cyril and others like him. Not surprisingly, Cyril was made a saint of the church.

Perhaps it was that so much time had passed whilst at least Watson and Crick were still among us and basking in their stolen glory that made Ms. Franklin more personal; then again, maybe it was the gruesomeness of how Hypatia was murdered that kept her out of my mind as too horrid to keep thinking about.

One of the "no-pay" geniuses was Maria Mayer who shared a Nobel Prize in physics in 1963, not that long ago, but was denied pay for her position for most of her life. Another star in our new galaxy of heroines was Very Rubin, and astronomer who we thought should have been given a Nobel Prize if for nothing else than her body of work, though discovering how it is possible for Dark Matter to exist.

Another still alive genius, in our minds, as well as others, was Lynn Margulis, the former wife of Carl Sagan, and as shining a star in her own right as he was. She surely might have been burned alive at the stake by most churches early on for she proved that bacteria did form an artificial relationship (symbiosis) such that they could not exist alone (Serial Endosymbiosis Theory). She was said to be one of the most original and creative biologists of our time by paleontologist Niles Eldredge.

Something else that made her dear to us was her tenacity, or not being frightened off by others who scorned her work.

Another luminary, in our minds, who, were it not for Hypatia, would have been our most cherished heroine, was Barbara McClintock, a geneticist who did something unbelievably wondrous in discovering that genes could move and control other genes, which was called 'transposition'. She was greeted with laughter in the early 1950s. It wasn't until she was 81 that she was awarded a Nobel Prize. It was her work and perseverance that made Paige decide to take a course in genetics, and in due time, convinced me to take it with her.

Needless to say, we not only loved the course so much that we were perfect in our tests though we knew that there was so much more to be know of these women. When I thought of their accomplishments, I wasn't only angered at how they were treated, but actually felt a warmth of having been privileged to learn of them, that knowledge warmed me so.

Chapter 3

Paige and I were the best of friends, often meeting on weekends, mostly at the library, which we haunted regularly during the week too. Oddly, we didn't go into our personal lives much. Another odd thing was that when she'd catch me staring at her, she'd lower her head slightly and blush, but always with a small smile on her lips along with a sly look at me, yet she wasn't being coy; it was her natural and quiet sweetness, her somewhat otherwise brashness aside. What that did to my heart I refused to look at.

When I had spare time, I had another interest, and that was my dissatisfaction with what I had been told about the time of the Exodus. At the library, I found a concordance and it led me to the book of I Kings. In the sixth chapter, in the very first verse, it told me that after the four hundred and eightieth year after the Exodus, and in Solomon's fourth year as king...and the rest didn't matter. Those dates gave me another time frame to try to satisfy my desire to know just when the Exodus did occur. At last I had something to follow in my maddening quest to learn more about when the Exodus may have truly been.

I knew, but confirmed, that Solomon was pretty much thought to have begun his reign in 970 BCE. If he was in his fourth year, then I had to subtract four years from that as my starting point, and came up with 966 BCE. Now I had to reverse the process to get it to be the four hundred and eightieth year from the Exodus. That came out to be one thousand, four hundred and forty six BCE. Right away I knew something was wrong, and pretty badly so.

In one thousand, four hundred and forty six BCE, Ramesses I hadn't even been born, and there was no land of Rameses. That date sits within the time of the Golden Age of Egypt wherein Tuthmosis III, the Napoleon of Egypt and its greatest warrior, may have ruled. No matter, Egypt seemed to still be very supreme at this time. Tuthmosis' son and successor, Amenhotep II, also was a fair warrior Pharaoh and fought two wars, and signed a peace treaty with the Mitanni, the people of one of his father's famous battles.

What did this mean? My faith was being shattered. The word of God that I had always believed in was being shred to tatters by what looked like two different sources giving what had to be erroneous dates for the Exodus. Not surprisingly, I began to wonder if there had even been an Exodus, it all seemed so story like. How I was to take this obviously wrong information from the bible itself was very troubling to me.

Just as troubling was what I would do if anything. Two preachers had told me to "have faith", the one not kindly, the other kindly, yet I had to wonder if either of them really knew the truth of this. I was going home for the holidays—should I tell my parents? It just wouldn't leave me, and I had started to wonder what else I'd find if I put my nose to the grindstone. Something told me I would, but it was one of those things that you just knew and wouldn't give conscious thought to, at least not wholly.

* * * *

Saying good-bye to Paige was difficult. My heart just didn't want to go and not be around her even if it was only for a couple of weeks. I even lacked the courage to ask if she was going home, which I figured she probably was, and she didn't say. My troubles continued to...what? Trouble me? Yes, but they were all internal troubles, rather problems I had to work out. Maybe I felt uneasy because I knew instinctively that I would be going to services with my family, and I had to have begun to wonder if I even believed anymore.

The one thing I found that I wanted to do was to talk to Paige, but I just couldn't unload my problems on her, especially since she didn't seem at all churchy. I really wished I had someone to talk to, but I didn't dare at home, that was for sure.

* * * *

Nonetheless, I was glad to be back home. My mother and father greeted me so warmly as did my siblings. In a way, it was as if I hadn't been away at all.

At services, as was the usual, Pastor Henson walked out so he could say good-bye to everyone as they left. When he got to me, he didn't bat an eye; he'd forgotten all about what he probably considered my silly questioning. I had to wonder what he would have said if I had told him what I'd found out, but he was too nice to do that to.

That thought out in my conscious mind, something in me extrapolated and wondered if this was a part of how this secret had been kept for two thousand or more years—a pastor, or other leader, being friendly with everyone and simply preaching to us all to have faith. Then I thought that faith was one of the cornerstones of Paul's teaching. Those thoughts had me really scratching my mental head. Was it possible...? That would be for later consideration.

Yes, I laughed merrily a lot of the time as we celebrated Christmas as we always had, but in the quiet of my mind, things were still roiling in me. The thought of calling Paige came to me, but I put it off as she was probably enjoying her family. The need I felt inside of myself though had me calling Paige the day after Christmas.

"Hi, Paige, it's Jennifer. Are you enjoying being home for the holidays?" I asked feeling a bit timid.

"Hi, Jennifer. No, actually, I didn't go home; I'm still at the college."

I was stunned. Quickly the thought ran through my mind that I could have invited her to spend them with me and my family, but no sooner than I thought that than I knew I wouldn't be able to hide my desire for her from my family. Then I thought: There, it's out; I desire Paige just the same as I had Mary Beth, only more.

"Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't even ask. Hey, I'm going back before the New Year; maybe we can get together then, huh?"

The words had tumbled out of my mouth before I had consciously thought of them, but I was glad that I'd said that.

"Hey, yeah, that'd be nice. Do you have plans for New Year's Eve?"

"Uh-uh. You?" I asked, my heart suddenly beating fast, or maybe faster.

"Nope. Maybe I could cook us some supper; you know, black eyed peas and all," she said.

"Wow! That sounds great."

I had to hide the joy I felt inside of me and make sure I didn't have my family asking too many questions, but I knew I'd be telling them that I had to go back early. I was glad that I'd used my cell phone and was away from earshot of anyone.

Making sure to mask my face and control my beating heart, I waited until I had my mother alone and told her I had to go back early to take care of some final tests. It was a fib, and a huge one for I had already done all that was necessary, but for luckily for me, she asked no questions, and showed no disappointment for which I was glad.

* * * *

It never dawned on me to ask how she could fix supper. I'd no idea where she lived, such was our lack of questioning each other about anything personal. Oh, we mentioned a few things, but surprisingly, not that, and nothing about her family. Somehow we silently decided not to speak of families, but why, I had no idea.

At any rate, I was there on the thirtieth, and having her address which she gave me, I knocked on her door.

"Hi, Jennifer," she greeted me with a huge smile that went up into her sweet eyes.

"Hey, how're you?" I asked as I walked in.

Then I got a surprise. She hugged me.

"I'm good. Come in and make yourself comfortable."

Still feeling the warmth from the unexpected hug, I did as she asked. Looking about I saw that she had nice furniture, and what looked like a pretty spacious home for just one person. Sitting, I got right to it.

"Paige, how is it that we never talked about our lives; I mean, we talked a lot, but so little about us personally. I always thought you lived in another dorm."

She hung her head as she often did when she blushed, but there was no blush this time. She was thinking hard on how to answer me though.

"My personal life is weird, and I don't like to say much about it. I mean, I don't mind telling you, but in general, I don't say anything about it."

"You don't have to; it just occurred to me when you told me you were still here, and I thought to myself that had I known, I could have invited you to stay at my parent's home. I just hated that you were alone during the holidays."

She gave me a huge smile then. "Well, I'm not alone for all of the holidays now. We do have a date for some New Year's Eve supper don't we?"

My face lit up in a smile too. "Yes, we do, don't we?"

She paused as if wondering if she should say something.

"What, Paige?" I pushed her a tad.

"Uh, did you come back early because of me being alone?" she barely got out too quietly.

This time I blushed, then after a too long silence, I nodded my head.

"I guess so," I admitted.

"That's sweet of you. Thank you," she told me in her soft voice.

"Maybe It's not the right thing to think everyone celebrates these holidays the same way as most do, but..." I had a hard time finishing it.

"I'm not sure if remember having a real holiday time. My, uh, family, such as they are, aren't together now. In fact, they're divorced and my mother has remarried. I don't see her much, or my father for that matter, so I'm kind of used to it being like this. Do you usually celebrate the holidays with your family?" she asked.

"Always, at least so far; I'm not sure about in the future though," I inadvertently admitted.

"Oh? Want to talk about it?" she offered, genuine concern in her voice and manner.

"I don't mind; not with you, that is. I just learned something that shook my faith like an earthquake under my feet," I said.

"Tell me about it if you don't mind," she pushed me for confession though it was what I wanted to do, needed to do, especially with her. She was the only one I could think of to tell it to.

"Last semester in that class I took on ancient Egypt that I told you about, they covered a lot of things over a lot of time," I said as she nodded. "Anyway, when he spoke of the might of Egypt in those days, and the great Ramesses II, it occurred to me that though it was never said openly, that he was thought of as the Pharaoh of the Jewish Exodus. You know, like in the movies. Anyway, most people I know of think he was that Pharaoh then."

She nodded again and looked at me expectantly.

"Well, it made me wonder how they could have had an Exodus as they say in the bible, and it be at about the time that Ramesses fought a huge battle far to the north of Canaan, and Egypt, though they only fought to a draw, remained the dominant power in the world. There's proof that a treaty was signed by both parties, and that's historically proven. That plagued me. I mean, I was raised to believe that the bible was the word of God, and I remembered that the Jews were supposed to be building a couple of cities, one of them called Raamses in the bible, which makes it logical that the Exodus of the bible was supposed to take place in his time.

"But, as I said, it bothered me a lot and I asked a couple of preachers, and I don't think they knew, but they should have known more than they said because the bible also says that Joseph and the then Pharaoh put Jacob and all his kin in the land of Ramesses, and that was about four hundred years before there was a Ramesses of any kind.

"It shook my faith, Paige, and I couldn't let it go. I went to the library and found a book—a concordance—where all the words in the bible are, and I found the place in the book of I Kings that gave a time frame for the Exodus, but that turned out to be two hundred years before Ramesses, and in the time when Egypt was at it's mightiest, so it couldn't have been then either. In either case, it was two different times that were given, and that's not supposed to be, at least not and be God's word.

"Paige, it really bothered me. I mean, I was raised to believe that every word of the bible is from God and correct," I ended with a long and a confused look on my face I was certain.

She looked at me for a moment.

"Oh, wow! For someone like you, I guess it had to bother you. I mean, I'm supposed to be Catholic, but I can't remember the last time I went to mass, or even to confession, which we're supposed to do regularly just like going to mass. I think I can see a part of how this troubled you so much. I'm glad you felt that you could talk to me about it. We do need to talk to someone about things, right? At least sometimes," she added.

"Yeah; I've been wanting to talk about it, so that's why I went to the preachers, the one here, and he didn't like me asking questions, or this question anyway. The one at home didn't put me off, but he had no answer and it seemed as if he should have. I got to thinking that maybe he didn't even know of the two times mentioned for it."

"Well, I wasn't any help either, huh?" she asked with a mild, but devilish grin.

I grinned too. "Actually, you did. You didn't look at me like I shouldn't be wondering about things like this, and tell me I need to just keep on blindly believing. That blindly believing bit really bugged me too when I thought of it all."

"So now it's out, and you're here, and I haven't even offered you something to drink, or if you've eaten. Have you had dinner yet?"

Talk about a sheepish grin, I had one then as I shook my head. "Didn't even think about it," I confessed.

"Me either, so how about a sandwich and a glass of tea?"

"Sure, if it's no bother."

We had a small supper, and cleaned up, then sat again on the sofa. After some small talk, I made like I should be leaving.

"Jennifer, you can stay the night if you wish. I have an extra bedroom and some large Tees like I like to sleep in, or we can have a slumber party and talk until we fall dead asleep."

"Hey, that sounds nice. I haven't been to a 

slumber parry since I was in elementary school."

"Good, then it's settled," she said with what I took to be a satisfied smile. Mine was just as satisfied, or maybe more so.

When it was time for bed, I hated not having a clean pair of panties. Luckily the Tee shirt she had was as promised—fairly long, but not too wide. Getting in bed after we'd freshened up—me in the spare bedroom bath—we looked at each other and grinned happily.

"I'm glad you came back early," Paige said.

"Yeah, me too."

"Jennifer, that thing about the Exodus, it seemed to really bother you," she said suddenly quite serious.

"Uh-huh! I don't know much about your religious faith, but with us, we're bred to be hardcore believers and regular church goers. I've thought on this a lot since I started with the questioning, and it just doesn't correlate. One or the other is very wrong, and to tell the truth, they both seem to be wrong. I had to think that maybe it was two men—not God, or God inspired—that wrote the two different times. Finally, I wondered what else I'd find that was wrong if I dug into it all some more. That's a horrible feeling for coming from the church I was reared in. We just don't question though you think we should."

"Okay, what else is in there that's bothering you?" she presciently asked.

I had to think on that one. Did I really want to talk about it? The answer was yes; I couldn't hold it in, and there was no one I would rather be talking to about it than Paige.

"What if this all leads me to where I never thought it would go, but now I have to consider that it might?"

"Where's that?" she asked quietly.

"Our religion is a very central thing in our family. Paige, I'm pretty sure that it had to be two different guys who wrote those two very different times of the Exodus, and neither of them can be right unless we rewrite history, and that can't happen. That means that the bible isn't what we think it is, and if it isn't, then how can I go on with my beliefs as I've been raised?"

Again the considered my words, then got to the nub of it all.

"So I guess that you're wondering how your family will take it if you tell them, or if you just stop going to church, huh?"

I hung my head. "Yeah," I whispered sadly. "Just how would I tell them, or explain to them why I may not be going to church again. Then too, what do I do when I have none of those beliefs, sort of nothing to believe in?" I asked with an even sadder face.

"Maybe find something else to believe in, or keep looking for the truth as best you can?" she asked as if wondering herself.

"Yeah. Geez, how can I stop looking now, huh?" I asked, but it was more a statement.

"I don't envy you," she said. "Just do the best you can, I guess, or what you feel you should or have to."

The talk was everything I needed, all things considered. Impulsively, I reached over and hugged her.

"Thanks Paige. I did need to talk about it, and you're the only person I could do that with. You really helped me."

Once more my impulses overtook me, and I kissed her cheek, though quite chastely.

"Hey, I guess that's what friends are for, huh?" she said as she blushed madly. "Glad I was here for you."

"Me too," I said after letting go of her.

"Ready to try to sleep now?" she asked, or do we keep talking till one of us sees the other snoring?" she asked with a grin, her face still glowing a little.

"Hmpf! I guess that means you've had enough or you'll just have to pass out on me, huh?" I acted put out, but too quickly broke out in a grin of my own, and maybe a little red faced too.




A Heretic's Heart



"Well, I don't think I really snore, but I'd hate for you to have to find out. Nite, Jennifer," she ended our talking time.

"Night, night, hon, and thanks," I said, cognizant of having unconsciously uttered an endearment.

She put the light out, and we slept. As far as I could tell, she didn't snore, and if I did, she said nothing of it.

Chapter 4

When we woke up pretty much at the same time, we saw that we were facing each other closely, but not so much as to be making us uncomfortable. In fact, as we looked into each other's eyes, the biggest smile lit up our faces.

"Good morning," Paige said.

"Yeah, Hi, and a good morning to you too."

"Let's see about some coffee for you, and tea for me, K?"

"Good idea," I said, noting her abbreviation of 'okay' that she used for the first time. Was she for sure more comfortable with me? I thought so, and I knew I felt closer to her even if only as a friend, which was good anyway one looked at it.

When we had finished our morning rituals, we sat with our drink and enjoyed our company.

"Jennifer, would you like for me to take you to your dorm so you can pick up some clothes; maybe enough to keep you until we have to go to classes," she added sneakily, and a bit shyly.

That was it—for sure she liked me, but how much, and how remained to be answered.

"If you feel it's okay, sure," I tentatively said.

"I'm sure. It'll be nice having you here till then," she quickly let me know.

Just as she said, she drove me to my dorm, which was empty, thank goodness. There would be no busy bodies to question me, or wag their tongues elsewhere. I didn't really care who knew how I felt about Paige, but I didn't think anyone should say anything just to be talking, and maybe Paige being a good friend and that's it.

Back at her house, we had a light lunch, then I helped her get the food ready. She'd done some shopping and even had some wine if we wanted it, and, I noticed, a bottle of champagne, nor how she came by it as we were both underage. I also had no idea if it was common shelf champagne, or something that was supposed to be good and possibly expensive. In fact, I had no idea just what Paige's financial situation was, but I was getting an idea since she lived off campus and in a house with a nice car to boot. Maybe she just needed a friend, and if that was so, I'd be glad to fill that need for her, but definitely hope for more. She was a marvelous girl and a wonderful friend so far.

When it was time to put the ham in the oven, Paige suggested we shower.

"That way we can just enjoy the evening and talk until the New Year is in. What do you think?"

"Sounds great," I said. "In fact, it's a good idea. If need be we can do the dishes tomorrow morning with the breakfast dishes and just relax tonight."

"Yeah, that sounds even better," she agreed.

The ham in the over and cooking, we went to take our shower. I decided to put on shorts and a top; nothing fancy, but a nice Christmas present and that was very presentable. Paige was apparently taking her time as I was, but when she came out, my eyes just about popped out. She also had on a pair of shorts, but they were form fitting, though not tight in any way. To go with them, she had on a Tee top that was also pretty form fitting. The upshot was that her clothes showed off her figure as I'd only imagined it might be, and I was right.

"Your outfit looks terrific on you," I had to compliment her.

"Thanks. I think yours looks fantastic."

"A Christmas present; this is a nice way to break it in."

"Uh-huh. I think it's good to dress up a little, but still be very comfortable," she said.

Setting the table, she offered me a glass of wine. Not being one to drink, I just had a little, and sipped even less. That was enough to loosen me up though.

"Do you dance?" she asked.

"A little. You?"

"Same. I found a good station that plays soft music, and is easy to listen to. Anytime you want to try dancing some, we can, K?"

I nodded. The wine affected me, but not like my heart was. We talked a little, both of us kind of nervous, which I guessed was due to this being so much like a first date. Then the food was done and we set ourselves to enjoy a fine, leisurely dinner, black-eyes peas for luck in the New Year included.

"That was a superb dinner, Paige," I had to compliment her.

"Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it."

True to our word, we cleared the table, then took time to brush our teeth, and then let the food go down. We were both feeling very good, the bit of nervousness we'd had earlier gone as if it never was. Listening to the music, and talking in an easy manner, the time was slipping by.

"Would you like to dance?" she asked as a slow one was playing.

"Yes, I think so," I said and stood and helped her up.

Though I wasn't a great dancer, moving slowly and lost in my feelings of being so close to her, we danced for several tunes.

"You're a good dancer," she said.

"These were easy ones, and you made it easier," I said returning the compliment.

Something was happening though; I could feel it, sense it. It was as if we were merging, coming closer and closer, but why, I had no idea, just that there was a pulling by each of us. Even our talking was starting to become quieter, softer, and soon I found myself looking into her eyes more, sensing that I was being engulfed by their icy beauty, but there was only warmth there, and my heart was filling with an inexplicable joy, albeit slowly, inexorably.

Time was as naught; we talked in whispers, but I didn't remember what we said, but before we knew it, we suddenly realized that time had indeed flown by and it was almost midnight. Maybe it was the excited tenseness of the radio's announcer that caught our attention. We stood simultaneously and looked at each other with an expectation in our eyes, in our bodies.

Then it was midnight!

Somehow we were moving as if slow dancing, or barely dancing, and Paige's cheek was against mine. Shortly, I felt her lips kiss my cheek.

"Happy New Year, Jennifer," she whispered, her lips barely leaving my cheek.

"Happy New Year, Paige," I responded woodenly, my own lips against her cheek.

Our lips didn't leave where they were, save to slowly graze around each other's cheek, then wending toward our lips where we met in the softest kiss that was as sweet and delicate as she was. We were on a high, atop Mt. Kismet surrounded by clouds that were wondrous and excluding all but our being, our nascent love expression.

"I love you, Jennifer," Paige whispered softly, her voice having a vibrating tenderness that resonated with everything in my body, especially my heart.

"I love you, Paige. God, I love you so much," I said with the same intensity.

We just knew that we were saying that we were in love with each other; there was no doubt of that, and our bodies gently made motions of wanting to merge, to be one with our love.

It was magic; it must have been for the next thing I knew we were in her bedroom and our clothes, few as they were, were just about off. I had several surprises in store for me, the first just after I stopped kissing her. Though I knew nothing of making love, my body seemed to know, and when I saw her breasts, how sweet they were, large for her slender body, and with nipples that were unusual.

My eyes riveted on them for a moment, then my head bent as I kissed a breast, then quickly took its nipple in my mouth. They were so unusual, or I thought so. They were slender as she was, but they protruded as if they were small popsicles to be licked, which I did, but also sucked it into my mouth and lavished it with my tongue's love of it. I was enchanted with the sight of them, and needful of making love to the one I suckled.

I heard her moan, and felt her hand at the back of my neck as if to pinion me to her nipple as she let me know of her ecstasies. I loved hearing her, feeling her desire of my mouth on her, my tongue licking, and even nibbling on her nipple. Then by some other knowing of my body, I did the same to her other nipple.

No, I knew nothing of making love, but my body did for she was on the bed and I was kissing her face everywhere, a quiet hunger in me to know her taste, the wonder of her femininity. As I kissed, her body kept arcing for whatever reason, but it seemed to draw my lips downward to find out, to know all of her mysteries that she was inviting me to discover.

Past her tummy, my hands spastic, moving quickly in their frantic haste to encompass her, the intensity of it all was making my fingers tremble as they caressed her loveliness. Finding my face feeling hair, I stopped, looked mildly, then breathed her in, the aroma of her sex far too inviting, drawing me ever closer to her vagina.

I noticed that her pubic hair was very light, somewhat sparse, it seemed, and it was as if she was watering it slowly. The moisture was warm, aromatic and compelling such that my fingers parted her hair to delve into the source of her wetness, and discovering it and her pulsing lips, I bent to them and licked, savoring her love.

I lifted up my face and groaned as I tasted of her sweetness, and desired it as if it were the sweetest of honeys. Returning to her lips, I licked again, this time from as far down as I could, then up fully, my tongue flat to have all she offered, and again, finding another surprise, her clitoris as my tongue skimmed over it. Her hips really raised up then, and I moved with her, all the while making sure to remain with my face between her thighs.

My hands had slowed in their meanderings, going up and down her thighs and what I could feel of her buttocks. I was very much aware of her now, of my hands on her smoothness, how firm she felt, yet so soft as my mouth kept drinking of her ongoing outpouring of her love.

"You're loving me so sweetly, my beautiful love," I heard her whisper as her hands were in my hair, mildly pushing me to remain at her lips with my tongue. I quickly learned that her clitoris was indeed sensitive as her hips swayed, and alternately lifted up and down. The intensity, the rapidity of her movements told me that she was on the verge of a joy that was wondrous, one that I wanted her to have.

Taking her clitoris in my mouth, I gently loved it with my lips and tongue. It was so engorged, so inviting, as were her constant moans and mewling sounds of enjoyment. Then a feral grunt that was quiet emanated from her, but with a furious lifting of her hips, she erupted in a blaze of her utter joy. I felt her hips tremble as they moved up, and was aware of how splayed her lips were, as well as the continued effusion from within her lips.

All of that, and a surging of sensations in my own body that seemed to be overheating with desire, I sensed that this was love, my love, her love, and our beautiful expression of it to each other. I knew that I wanted nothing else but to love her, and to keep on showing her that love that burned so deeply in me for her, a love that was so shockingly massive.

So powerful was I feeling my love of Paige that I couldn't bear to leave off of being exactly where my face was. Our love was so beautiful. So utterly beautiful. New sensations kept coursing through my body, sensations so vivid, a tingle without tingling leaving me feeling weak, immobile. My fingers were trembling again as I caressed her thigh and buttock while listening to her still struggling efforts to breath, but one of her hands was still in my hair giving me loving touches.

"My god, that felt so sweet. I'd be real jealous if it weren't for how delicious my body is still feeling from the loving you gave me."

That perked me up. "Jealous? Why?"

"For whoever you've loved before; you knew just how to touch me, to make me want to feel you love me like that again and again," she got out as she continued to fight for a decent breath. At least now I understood, or thought that I understood.

"I've never loved anyone before," I quietly admitted, "at least not this way."

She tried to sit up, and did at least partially.

"Are you trying to tell me that we're both virgins?" she asked softly, albeit incredulously.

"If you're saying that you're a virgin, then yes."

She giggled though she tried to suppress it. "Mercy, how strange is this? How will you love me after a few more times? I can't believe it. My god, you were so utterly sweet, you made my body sing like I couldn't believe."

I laughed a little, felt smug, but refused to give up the treasure I was laying claim to.

"Jennifer, you will love me again, won't you?" she asked, a sense of worry in her voice.

"In just about one minute, if that long. Is that okay?"

"Mm, yes, my love, yes!" she exclaimed happily.

An open invitation, and she was still spread out for me, still pulsing and giving off of her inner flow which I licked lazily with my cheek still aside of one of her lips. She smelled so sexy, and that knowledge consciously recognized, I felt a pang of guilt, of shame wanting to enter in, my heart skipping a beat in worrying about it.

Then my logical mind came into play, and I thought of how I had considered that finding such a glaring bunch of errors in the bible, and that there may be many more, my love of Paige reasserted itself. I marveled at the two conflicting thoughts in me, but my desire to love her again surged wildly in me, and I earnestly had my tongue over her center again, and enjoyed her warm moistness, the feel of her ongoing inner contractions.

My mind suddenly shut down, my tongue taking all she gave me anew, and I surrendered to my love of her completely.

"Oh, god," I heard her whisper, her fingers spastic in my hair again, every now and then trying to push my face into her, but she too had given herself up to all the sensations she had to be feeling, sensations that I shared in great part with her. As I avidly licked between her lips, taking her clitoris every now and then to tease her and make her want me even more, I sensed that I was lusting for her.

There was no guilt this time, just an imperative to give into loving making us both feel these wonderful sensations of our love. As I continued licking and caressing her, occasionally squeezing her buttocks, I sensed that I knew something that was as a revelation, but I couldn't put words to it—the haze that engulfed us and brought us into the bedroom had taken me over again and my whole person was single minded in making her feel my love that raged on and on.

I was cognizant of how I loved feeling her lips pulse against my face, how I loved the warm moistness of them, as well as all those lovely fluids that seeped out as if in a rush to be delivered to my tongue. Then I knew that I would love making love to her time and again, and endlessly.

Sensing she was about to have another climax, my tongue encouraged it to be so strong as to have her singing the praises of our sex together. Her clitoris loved it, and I took her to where I loved to have her go, to a Nirvana of her sexual pleasure.

She thrashed about, grunted in a primal way of giving all to our pleasure, tried to slap her hips hard into my face, but I wouldn't leave her. I would never leave her!

"Je—Jennifer," she cried out. "Oh, god, that's so good, so sweeeeet!" she whispered harshly as she had her orgasm.

As hard as she was fighting for a decent breath afterward, I was the same, huffing fairly rapidly through my mouth, feeling a maddeningly beautiful surge of sexuality filling my body. This, I knew, was a huge part of the beauty of love.

Paige slept, worn out, I thought, and I remained at her lips, her hair not bothering me enough to make me leave where I was on her. I was relishing feeling how her vagina contracted, her lips pulsed, and how she remained so enticing with her moistness that I occasionally licked up to her sudden spasmodic jerking. Still she slept. At last I kissed her lips as I licked up the residue that still dripped out, and went to find a washcloth to clean us with, then eased into the bed aside of her.

As soon as I was next to her, she rolled onto me, contented, warm, soft, and feeling so lovingly sexy to me. Though I was needy, I was so happy, and I sighed and gave into the continuing surges of love that kept washing through my mind, heart, and body.

Chapter 5

Throughout the night I was aware when we'd part, and that one or both of us would quickly reach out to keep touching each other. It was a more than wonderful experience and I slept peacefully.

On awakening, she was clinging to me, and I was holding her fast.

"Let's not get up," she said sleepily, wiggling and squirming, and adjusting her hold on me as if to make sure she held me as fast to her as she could.

"I'd like that," I said, equally sleepy and content, "but I think I better go pee or have an accident here. How about you?"

"Oh, phooey! Why do we have to do stuff like that when you feel so good to me?"

A moment later, she squirmed against me again and giggled.

"You made me so happy, my love. Can we do it again?"

"Now?"

"Well, in a few minutes. I don't want to force you or anything," she giggled happily.

I kissed her forehead and got up to relieve myself, then she did.

"You looked so sweet and sexy. I watched you when you walked away, and when you came back too. Why didn't I know how sweet this could all be?"

"I hope it was because I wasn't around," I said, leaving unsaid how my eyes had glued themselves to her body too.

"Yeah, I think that's it," she said and went to take her turn.

Like her, I watched too. She was as lovely from behind as she was from her front, and just as delicious and delicate too. She was so much like a porcelain creature, looking so easily broken, yet she was so pliable, at least as far as I knew so far.

When she came out, I nearly lost it. Her pubic hair sparse, and remembering how painfully sweet she felt, such were the feelings I had from loving her and those maddening surges that kept rushing through me. I gulped and she smiled. She knew what she was doing to me. With that, she turned and walked away.

"Coffee will be on and ready in a moment," she whispered her invitation.

Like a puppy with a new mistress, I followed her into the kitchen. True to her word, the coffee was on fairly quickly, and I was glad for I was beginning to lust mightily for her.

"Jennifer, what do you think about moving in with me? Think you'd like that?"

Taking a moment to think, I wanted to, but held back a little.

"Let me think on it, okay? I mean, it sounds good, uh, great, but..."

"I just wondered how you'd feel about it," she said a little sadly, but then smiled.

She seemed to be so certain, so positive. Was she too positive? I hoped not.

"How about something to eat?" she said shortly.

I had been staring openly at her nakedness just as she had been too. Startled a bit, I nodded.

"Good. Bacon and eggs? Or I have ham too. Or a bagel?" she threw the choices at me in a hurry.

"A bagel will be okay," I said.

She pulled it out, toasted it, and served it up with cream cheese and strawberry preserves. It had to have been tasty, but not nearly as tasty as her breasts and those long nipples looked.

"I'll be back in a minute, K?" she asked in her peculiar way.

I nodded, then fidgeted while she was gone. She was driving me crazy. About fifteen minutes later, I heard her call out to me. I headed to the bedroom where I thought she was, and entering the doorway, I stopped suddenly, frozen as I stood and gulped. She was on the bed, still nude, and one leg down off the bed. Those were the things I knew without paying them any attention for my eyes were riveted on the spot at the juncture of her thighs. She had no more pubic hair!

Her lips looked as slick as her buttocks were. Not looking any further, I moved somewhat woodenly to her, and knelt aside her leg that dangled off the bed, bent, and kissed her freshly shaved lips, and groaned at the hot feel of them. It was so different, and I rubbed my cheek against them, her wetness as if coming from a leaking faucet, but I didn't care. This was so unexpected, and she looked so erotic. My own vagina was throbbing with desire.




A Heretic's Heart



"Paige," I whispered her name.

"Love me, Jennifer. God, love me like I love you."

My lips went to her immediately and refused to leave save to look up to see her splayed lips and her clitoris that was peeking as if hopeful of me noticing it. I noticed it all right, and went after it, lavishly licking fully, slowly, as we both moaned in delight. She was so exciting to me, sending flashes of need, of utter surrender of my person to her love.

She was enjoying my tongue that occasionally slurped one of her lips into my mouth, but in a moment she turned as if to sit up fully and plant her feet on the floor, and she almost did, but then lifted both legs up and spread them wide. I nearly went berserk at seeing her like that, seemingly able to look inside of her vagina. I pushed at her thighs and felt her take them over my hands, and pull herself back as much as she could. My mouth eagerly followed her and licked without end until I felt she was having a tremendous orgasm that had me pressing my face into her as she pushed herself up and down until she couldn't go on.

Afterward she was trembling and moaning, indistinguishable words trying to come out of her and failing, but her sighs didn't fail, though more as gasps of rapturous pleasures still being had.

"My god, that felt so deliciously hot," she gasped, at last able to talk, though her words were stunted.

"Paige, are you sure you're a virgin?" I had to ask all the while feeling so stupid in doing so.

"Yes, my beautiful lover. I guess I better confess everything now, but give me a minute, my body is still feeling so good."

Like the newbie I was, I crawled up to be next to her fully as she straightened out. She moved against me again, and splayed herself against my thigh, and mildly rubbed up and down. She was clearly enjoying herself, and so, I had to admit, was I.

"When I first saw you, my heart did some funny things in me. I wanted to turn to keep looking at you; I mean, I just couldn't believe it. Though I had never put a face on my dream girl, it had to be you. Later, I knew you saw me too, and when I could, I looked at you and smiled. Thankfully you smiled back at me, and something in me knew that you were the one I had been looking for. I bribed a girl in administration to let me know what classes you were taking the next semester; you were pretty well known, maybe because of your GPA, but then again maybe because of your looks. 

Anyway, when I saw your schedule, I signed up for that one class so I could meet you."

"Like your GPA, huh?" I interrupted her belatedly.

"Yeah, now hush and let me finish," she said and giggled. "After that, I bought some books on how lesbians make love—that's where I got the idea to shave my pussy. There's scads of information in them. Want to see some of them?"

"Not now. Maybe later, okay?"

"Sure, but from it, I had to think that you were very experienced in making love with other girls. You were perfect, you know. God, you made me a lot hotter than those books. I read them, and looked at the pictures, and I had to play with my clit as I thought of you doing it for me. Honey, I'm crazy about you and have been for some time now. Please say it's okay; what I did, I mean."

"Play with yourself?" I teased her with a big smile.

The mystery was solved; how she wound up sitting next to me, and friendly as can be too. She knew what she wanted, and came after me just as I wanted to go after her. How lucky could I get? Now I had to wonder if I should do as she did; shave that is. I had to, she felt so good to me, and said it was great for her too. I had her to tell me what to do.

"It's ready for you," she grinned and blushed.

Beside being a sex-pot that made me want her naked with me all the time, she could be as cute as any girl as she was at that moment. However, I put those thoughts and feelings aside and went to shave. With nervous hands, and anxious and eager eyes on me, I finally got it done.

She felt of my lips, then groaned and leaned heavily into me.

"You feel so sweet," she said as her fingers slid up and down my smooth lips, and I had to agree with her with my moans as my words of agreement.

"Come on, let's get you in bed and let me adore you. I've waited so long for you, and now I'm going to love you as I've always dreamed I would."

Oh boy, did she ever love me. As I had the first time, she did the same, but somehow it had an extra sweetness in it. Maybe it was the way she took more time everywhere on my body, and maybe it was how she touched me ever so sexily, so erotically. Whatever, when her fingers slid through my lips again I couldn't keep my orgasm from ruling my body in thanks for her loving attentions to it.

"Yes, my sweet and beautiful love, I want you to know my love, to feel it as I felt your love."

After some time driving me to insanity, and having me near to another orgasm, she quickly turned onto her back.

"Come up over me. Please. Hurry!" she urged me as if wanting to have me make love to her.

I did start to do just that, but she pulled at me as if angrily, but she wasn't angry, just needy to have me. I quickly figured out what she wanted, and though I couldn't believe it, I moved up and over her face, and gave myself up to her wishes. Her hands on my cheeks, she pulled my vagina to her facial lips and began to feverishly lick. As excited as I was in the newness of this, and all the sensations shooting through my body like wonderfully sharp nails that radiated out in the most pleasurable sensations, it was nothing like what was to come.

Moving her lips up, she took my mound and clitoris in her mouth and had me begging for completion, yet I hoped it never came for I loved how she was alternately being gentle in suckling me, then fast and furious and sucking, then teasing me with circular motions of her tongue around it. There was nothing left of me but the sensations she was filling me with, and the orgasm that shook every fiber of my body and left my mind drained of all but my love for her.

"I want to love you again," she told me in a trembling voice, her hand running up and down my thigh and squeezing my cheek frantically as I was on my back after my hard and sweet orgasm. "God, you were so sweet to love."

All I could do for a while was to hold her as tightly to me as I could in my depleted state. I had no idea how I had gotten on my back, but I knew my body was still singing her praises and my breath was still hard to come by.

When I could finally speak, I had to let her know. "I'll have to read your books," I said in a husky whisper.

She laughed lightly, then kissed my breast and sucked on my nipple for a moment, but it was enough to stir me up and make me want more. I started to move to love her, but her hand stayed me.

"Let's love each other," she said, then turned her body and bent her face to begin licking my vagina.

As she intended, how she was had her dripping lips over my face, and I started to lap at her intoxicating honey. We were slowly loving each other, but then we were loving frantically. She had invigorated me so much that I rolled her over, but we didn't stop loving each other for a moment until we were completely sated. At that, we had to lay on each other's thigh with our faces at their juncture.

Shortly, the thought of how we were seemed strange, but then I remembered that people had always lain with their heads in the lap of someone they loved, or were super close to. Paige and I were more than super close to each other, and the strangeness left me to enjoy her bouquet that I was so loving to smell. I kissed her, and licked at what had dribbled out of her throbbing womanhood.

I'd never heard of love like this. My mother had had a talk with me about sex, and how it was reserved for procreating, and only in marriage. There was nothing about any pleasure, or loving the procreation process. This wasn't procreation in any way, it was pure love that was bursting to be expressed with the love of your heart. It wasn't biblical as far as I had been taught, so what was I now?

I was a fallen person, a damned one destined for hell's fires, but I didn't really believe that anymore. That made me a heretic, one who in olden times was burned at the stake simply for having alternative thoughts. No one would burn either of us at the stake though, and though I had a heretic's heart, it was a happy heart that somehow knew we weren't wrong in our love. No, our love wasn't wrong in any way, it was as right as right could be, and I loved that we would make love again and again, and enjoy exactly how we were made.

The thoughts flooded into my mind. We had bodies that could give and take pleasure with a loved one, so how could it be wrong? It couldn't! A joy filled my heart and like the many different sensations we had given to each other that radiated out so sweetly and excitingly, that joy soon filled my whole person including my mind. I kissed her vaginal lips, then held them tightly to my facial lips. I just held them expressing my joy at being as we were and loving it so much.

"Honey, I don't know what's come over you, but it feels so good," she said as she left off of doing as I was for a moment. "My pussy feels so sweet with you holding it tightly to you, and I feel that same sweetness holding yours like that."

Before I knew it, she was wetting my thigh, then I realized it was with her tears. Panicking, I lifted up off of her and reached for her.

"Why are you crying?" I demanded as I worried.

"I'm just happy; you've made me so happy, and you love me so beautifully, and it just got to me as you held me. Please, hold me like that again and let me be happy with you."

Mollified, I returned to her pussy's lips and held them just as tightly as I had been doing, if not tighter as I felt her doing the same against my pussy. Pussy! I'd heard the word many times, but always sneakily, and thought it as one of those words leading to sin. It didn't sound that way from Paige—it sounded natural, appropriate, and rather sexily expressive at time—at many times.

* * * *

We napped on each other's thigh for a while, my heart and mind peaceful. It was still day—a lot of day—and we made love more as it wore on toward evening, though we did take time to feed our bodies.

"Jennifer, have you thought about moving in with me?"

How could I not? How could I say no when I wanted nothing else.

"Uh-huh. Maybe we should give it a try, but what if it doesn't work, Paige?" I had to ask.

"If it doesn't work, then I guess it doesn't work, but I want it to, and I think you do too. Am I right?"

"Yeah, you're right. Maybe it'll give me time to read your books too," I said, a flush creeping up my face.

That I knew little to nothing about sex didn't escape me, but my body seemed to be very familiar with it. How was it that my body was so familiar with it and my mind so ignorant of it? Something was very wrong, and I was more than beginning to suspect that it was how I was raised, what our cultural expectations were, not to mention our religious beliefs.

At any rate, Paige was suddenly happy as could be. With her help, and her car, we moved most of my clothes and other things to her house. Since my dorm room was paid up, I kept it, but left little of anything there. We would go to classes together, and to wait on each other when we had to either in the library or my dorm.

In the meantime, until our classes started, I did make some time to look at Paige's books. They were indeed very hot, at least to my unfamiliar eyes. Many of the girls were posed completely naked and in explicit sexual positions. At times, Paige would read with me, or comment on pictures, the while she often played with my breasts or suckled on a nipple, her hand never far from my pussy, and very often teasing my clit endlessly. The combination of the books and their more than suggestive pictures with Paige caressing me so sexually had us both in a too hyper state—that is, a very sexually hyper state.

Naked for as long as we were alone and awaiting time to go to class, which wasn't far off, we couldn't stop making love to each other. At the same time my mind was reconsidering what I'd been taught both at home and in our church. What I had been taught at home wasn't bad in any way, save the religious parts, which brought up the church. I was really questioning all that the bible taught, or tried to teach via our preacher. So far it all seemed pretty wrong; very erroneous to say the least.

* * * *

Our classes over with, we looked forward to our new ones, especially the beginning genetics class. Paige was pretty familiar with it, while I was fairly new to it. I understood that we had a double helix and it ordered genes, and genes did their own thing, but that was about it. What I would learn was to be a shock to me.

Chapter 6

The teacher of the genetics class, Dr. Martha Conner, was a dilly; that is, she was more than great and she had opinions that she wasn't afraid to voice, and they were pretty logical too, if not what is considered orthodox teaching. Then again, teachers are supposed to help students open up their minds to exploration, and she did that. Even more, she was said to be a lesbian, and that we knew was unorthodox too.

"Let's get one thing straight; you guys may not like this, but it was Rosalind Franklin who found the double helix," she said. "They, her co-worker who thought he was her boss, without her permission, took an X-ray of the double helix that Ms. Franklin had made, and showed it to those other two that took most of the credit, Watson and Crick, who then claimed the 'discovery' of it, and for his help, they included the main thief, Wilkins in on a share of the Nobel Prize. That out of the way, what is the double helix? That is, how did it come into being?

"First, it's a bunch of molecules that are individually called a nucleotide, and there are four different nucleotides, A, C, T, and G which stand for adenine, cytosine, thymine, and guanine. These little rascals have the blueprint of our makeup, and tell what amino acids, of which there are twenty total, to use to make up proteins, which can be innumerable.

"Now what we don't know is how DNA came into being, at least not definitively. There are theories, and more, how do they know to order amino acids, or the rest of the process, is unknown too; we have just worked out that they do. Folks, in essence, we have no idea what life is save that it is composed of atoms that make up everything including our DNA, and that carbon 12 is the main bonding agent to make it all possible. That's why we are called carbon creatures. Sorry, we weren't made of clay, or the dust of the earth.

"What you'll be learning is what we have found to be so, and that by researchers working backward and experimenting to find the steps, and then verifying it. That, though, is what basic science is about. We wonder, we theorize, we experiment, and if the experiments are able to be shown to be true by replicating them time and time again, then we know some facts for sure, and we go from there to the next step in whatever process we're in to prove whatever it is we're working on. That is how the bible of science is made up. Any questions so far?

"A word of caution here for any that have strong religious beliefs. Science is only interested in knowledge, facts about what this existence is, where it is, and if possible, why. Beliefs don't come into play here save as theories, so please know that we can't be considering them, or any thing regarding the bible, the Quran, or any Jewish scriptures. If you're not okay with that, you may wish to withdraw, but frankly, I hope you all stay."

She was quick, concise, and shot out fact after fact as the classes went on. In short, we admired her so as to be in awe of her no-nonsense way of teaching.

"Wow! She's something else, huh?" Paige exclaimed.

"You're right. I think it may be a very interesting class."

Ms. Connor was the main reason we had our heroines as I mentioned earlier. As our class went on, we had an opportunity to talk to her alone.

"You two are together if I read you right. Am I correct?

"We are," I said as Paige nodded her agreement.

"May the cretins not mess with your love," she said with a mild snort.

"I think we understand what you mean, but anything you can tell us that might be helpful, we're all ears," Paige told her.

"Love, don't let anyone tell you it's wrong, and take care to be aware of where you are, and who may be about."

"That sounds scary," I said.

"Listen, there are too many ignorant people who still live with a Mediaeval cultural mindset. I take it you're not religious buffs."

"I'm not, she was, or kind of," Paige answered for both of us."

"It's popular to hold up Galileo as the one that religion first stopped the scientific inquiring minds from being too inquiring, but way before that, they were at it, and not just Christians, but for us, it is mainly Christians as they're the religion of choice here."

She went on to tell of Hypatia, and how she was skinned alive by a mob, most likely of incited Christian monks, then burned at the stake, maybe a part of her still clinging to life.

"That attitude still exists, and a lot of preachers advocate killing us all, both males and females who love others of the same gender," she said openly letting us know that she was a lesbian too. She gave a few examples of it in recent times.

"The bitch of it is that knowledge of how false their beliefs are exist, and have been scientifically proven. Barbara McClintock, one of my fave women, straight or not, was laughed at when she told about finding that genes moved about, and more. However, the scientific community laughs at just about anybody if they're new, and who offers anything groundbreaking. They're often like a bunch of children, but eventually, if correct, things do change, unlike religion

"For the knowledge that was available, Darwin, and his closest competitor and also his friend, Wallace, had it right. There's more to it all though, as McClintock showed, and others too. Genes mutate, and that can make a heck of a difference. They don't always come down just like our parents had them, or in the order you'd expect. We're really a complex and still unknown quantity."

* * * *

In our other spare time, when we weren't making love or studying, clothes optional not being permitted—we couldn't stand seeing each other naked and not making mad love. A part of our studying included her books on lesbian sex. We didn't get far each time because we quickly became too horny, but when we did come across some new way of loving, we just about had to try it.

This was true of tribbing, the rubbing together of our clitorises otherwise known as clit fucking. There were a couple of ways of doing it unless one was very acrobatic, but we started out with the original and simple way, what I guess you'd call the missionary style. Paige had to be on top the first time, and that because when we saw and read about it, I held the book. After all, she had read it already.

However, that made it easy for her to climb up over me, put the book aside, and kiss me with a torrid set of horny lips, and before I knew it, she was between my thighs and searching for my clit. She found it, and we had our first lesson in tribbing. I wasn't sure if we ever got to the part where it said that if we weren't careful we'd 'clit fuck ourselves silly. And yes, my sexual vocabulary was growing.

Panting, gasping, and otherwise worn out, we couldn't talk, but we held on to each other, just with our clits apart. We really liked it, but recognized that it was dangerous to try to do it too often as it might become obsessive. Those many seemingly endless orgasms were sweet, but were only enjoyed by the bunches, and they did come as if in bunches.




A Heretic's Heart



Eventually we tried the scissors, and that we really loved. Our hands were free to roam over each other's body when we weren't in our throes too much, and that even included our feet, which to me was a real treat. I had noticed, naturally, that Paige's feet were smallish, and rather cute, or pretty, which I preferred to think of them, as. It was a challenge to lick her feet and suckle her toes, and in between as we drove ourselves wild as our clits were making sure they were the real focus of our love making.

Aside from seeing each other's body, we also looked at our faces, and into our eyes. I knew my face wore an expression that said I couldn't stop the wondrous sensations we were giving to each other. It had to show in my eyes as it showed on her face and in her beautiful blue eyes that were no longer like a sweet ice, but a melting ice from the fires we were putting in them. She seemed to enter my whole being, flooding me with her love so that I was but an extension of her just as I felt she was becoming an extension of my love, my bliss of the moment that went on and on.

My shoulders and head propped up slightly, I reveled in the sight of her with our pussies locked together. It made for one thrilling trip for me that had my mind shut down as I looked at her. Yes, this could well hatingve been the death of us, but it wasn't; it was our life, the reaffirmation of our love of each other, our never wanting to be parted, and knowing it. Why, oh why would any wish to deny us of these joys that were so readily ours to have?

For a while we considered if we were too much into our sex. We had to conclude that if we weren't, we were darn sure close to being that way. Frankly, sometimes I thought that it was Ms. Connor and her class that kept us grounded. Why? Because it made us think, wonder about just what we were, and also wonder at why we were, and why we had been blessed with the ability to love so much as we so often did.

"Not to specifically knock any belief, but this stuff of the immutability of our persons and species, though it's not said as such directly in the bible, is a bunch of nonsense that is believed by many preachers. Barbara McClintock's experiments that have since been proven, making a lie of that religious mumbo-jumbo. Our genes say a lot of what we are, and maybe how and why we are, but they change their minds and move about, thus changing us even if we're adults. Heck, we don't even need her proofs to know that we change—everybody changes as we age, and since we're atoms, we know that we also replace our atoms whether we're young or old, on a regular basis.

"Our genes also, when they do decide to move about, often alter a nearby gene, or even turn it off, or back on if it was off, and that changes us."

Paige was really into genetics, and much more. If she had that silly little girl about her personality, there was also a very sharp and astute mind at work, and she was seriously considering genetics as her major, along with evolutionary biology, micro biology, evolutionary developmental psychology, as well as sociology, and she had a natural facility for learning them all too. In a way, she scared me, she was so brilliant as far as I could see, but she loved me just as I loved her, and that was that.

I never suggested she take up any one discipline over another; it was all her choice as far as I was concerned, but Ms. Connor hoped she would get into genetics.

"She's a natural," Ms. Connor once told me privately.

"Seems like she's a natural many things," I offered.

"I wouldn't doubt it. You two are lucky to have found each other, you compliment each other so well," she said.

"Thank you; we both feel that way."

* * * *

"Jennifer, honey," she began unsurely with her little girl way of saying some things.

"What, baby?" I asked wondering what she would come up with this time.

"Do you feel you want to stay together? I mean, like permanently?"

"As far as I'm concerned you should know that I think of us that way already, so yes, if it's what you want, I do too."

"I thought so, but then I wondered about your religious beliefs, and, uh, how your folks might take to us being lovers, or maybe more," she spilled her real thoughts behind her questioning.

Paige had a lot of insecurities, I thought, but we hadn't been together long enough for me to find out about them. I think it was our studying and our sexual persons that just wouldn't quit, that kept me from asking about her past, but soon I would have to. However, she asked a valid question, one which I hadn't wanted to think about. Actually two of them, but the other, our permanency, would have to wait until we were of age to legally say what our desires were as far as legalities went. Maybe my parents wouldn't wait—but what about hers, I wondered?

"I don't know. It's not about us alone, it's about how I am period, how I can't love a man, or have a family as they expect, but I'm not sure how they'd act, what they'd think. I love my parents very much though I now feel that they've been very wrong as far as religion is concerned, but I don't want to hurt them. There's no way that I worry about having to give you up because as long as you want me, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. If they happen to find out about us, then I tell them how I am period, and there's no changing that. In no way am I ashamed of you. Actually, I'm very proud of you, and happy that you love me."

"Oh. Okay, I just wondered."

"Paige, baby, what about you? You seldom, if ever, say anything about your family."

She looked away for a minute. "Yeah, I do, don't I?"

I nodded and waited.

"When I was less than two, my mother left us. Well, in a way, they both left me for my father was, and still is, often away making more money than he knows what to do with."

"Who took care of you?" I asked.

"My maternal grandparents. They were so mad at my mother, but not too fond of my father either. They were sweet to me, and did their best to raise me properly. When they found out that I didn't like boys, they didn't look down their noses at me, but my father had a fit. I have no idea what my mother thought, or even if she knew. My father threatened to disinherit me, but my grams and gramps didn't. They set up a trust fund for me, and also paid for my education, and made sure that I had as good a tutor as could be found; several of them in fact. Anyway, that's me, save that I always dreamed of someday finding you—my fantasy, my dream girl, and here you are."

"Did you ever tell them about your preference of girls instead of boys?"

"Just my grams," she said, looking down as if remembering a bit wistfully.

"What did she say?"

"She just smiled and patted my hand. Nothing else. I always figured that she told gramps."

"It sounds as if they're not alive now," I fished.

"No, they both died, gramps when I was a junior in high school, and grams just after I graduated. I haven't seen my father in years, and definitely not my mother."

"You never hear from them at all?" I asked somewhat incredulously.

"Not really. I have no idea how either of them are. I guess if anything happens to them, I'll be told by the trust attorneys."

"So you've been on your own for about two years, huh?"

"Uh-huh. This is my house for now. When I finish here, if I stay, I'll probably stay here. It's all I need for now, unless you think we should go elsewhere."

I thought about what she said about her parents, but decided not to say much about the future. It was too soon.

"It seems like they—your grandparents—did a good job of raising you."

"Yeah, I think so too.

* * * *

After that, I began thinking about my parents, and how I was going to tell them that I loved Paige, and also when I would do it. I could get by during summer, but come the next Christmas, I knew I'd tell them first, and if they accepted my love of Paige, and that where I was, she would be too, then great, we'd both go to see them as I did before. If not, there was no way that I was leaving Paige behind as I had before. True, we weren't together then, but that was no longer so.

I didn't tell any of this to Paige though. I didn't want to bring any problems to her that weren't necessary. I'd tell her after I talked to my parents. We loved each other just as if we were married, and we slept together, and nothing was going to change that. What was a bit surprising to me was the certainty that I had about all of it. There were no doubts at all in my mind. I pretty much knew that if we were of age, Paige would want us married, and so would I.

What I did tell Paige was what I thought, but without the inherent drama.

"As for my parents, I'll tell them about us when I think they may be accepting of us, but I will tell them. You're my partner, and that's final."

"Oh, god, I love you, Jennifer, my sweet and beautiful lover," she gushed immediately as she hugged me in what might be properly termed a bear hug. I grinned at my thought.

"I love you too, baby, but you know that I do."

"What about this summer?" she asked still holding me.

"In the summer I work to pay for as many things as I can," I said simply. "That's what I said I'd do, and that's what I did last summer."

"Honey, you don't..."

"Hush that. I do too. I'll not be a kept woman," I grinned, and kissed her. She smiled, sighed, and led me to our bedroom.

Yes, it was our bedroom now. That's how I thought of it , and I was sure she did too.

Chapter 7

It seemed that expressing our love sexually dominated our time, but studying and going to class was a close second with religion being third, but still taking up a fair share of our days. However, it was those darned books of Paige's that I thought might be the death of us. We'd get so horny in trying out some methods and positions for making love to each other that we literally wore ourselves out endlessly.

Sometimes Paige seemed to become obsessed with a particular position. One such was tribbing via the scissors position. It wasn't easy, but quickly became so with the onset of our ecstasies, but it was a little difficult to continue on for as long as we would have liked, thus our tempting our breathing capacity for too long, but mercy, it was so delicious.

Seeing Paige when she was in the dominant position, her long and slender nipples fully extended, those eyes and her skin coloring and tone, and my hands on as much of her as possible, particularly her lovely cheek, it was much too thrilling to want to end it. Seeing her beauty so blatantly before my eyes kept me stoked to keep loving her.

Yes, I loved her body, it's sheer beauty and fragile looking delicacy. There were often times when we'd be in the kitchen and I'd come up behind her, my one hand on a breast and nipple, my other hand going to her pussy and gently but firmly pulling her ass against my pussy and kissing her endlessly with a loving passion as my fingers entered her just enough to get to her clit wet as I rubbed against her. Those orgasmic times out of our bed were more than beautiful to me, and to Paige too. Hearing her moans and soft, sweet words of love thrilled my heart.

To me, when you make love to your lover, and get to see so much of her, that is almost a supreme joy that is long lasting making our climaxes together sweeter than ever. Paige was a joy to make love to and look at her as we did. I imagined it to be like having sex and cuddling at the same time, the sensations and the pure visual joys were so many and so sweet.

Yet we more than survived our sexual trysts with each other that were nearly as plentiful as our casual touching during our days and nights. That we did so led to our dislike of putting our clothes on to study, but it paid off for us. As we had before we came together, we continued to do well in our studies. Giving way to studying properly paid off for us as our grades remained as high as ever, though I must say that had it not been for Paige's natural aptitude in all subjects, my grade in genetics wouldn't have been as high as hers.

Genetics fascinated Paige. There was a portion of it where sequencing was a major part of Ms. Connor's teaching, and she made sure that we were aware of it, meaning, of course, that it would be on a test. It was a bit hard to follow as I hadn't been exposed to the idea of sequencing amino acids to make a protein. What was so unusual was that the resulting gene was also pretty much the same in other than humans, but in also other species too, yet was not the same.

"It's the repetition of the sequence," Ms. Connor said with a meaningful raising of an eyebrow. "Just imagine a protein that is created by having amino acids, say named one, two, and three, to make the protein. Now what if the sequence is repeated, as it often is, a second time in most creatures that have that gene. That brings about the expression of that gene in us for whatever it is the gene wants us to show, or exhibit. Yet, in we humans, that same gene is expressed differently simply because the sequence of amino acids were repeated more than just the two times, possibly seven times, thus making that gene express itself differently in us than in other creatures with the otherwise identical gene.

"It's amazing what all we are learning, but this shows that we have, at sometime in the past, been other than what we see ourselves as being today, having progressed from what we were, and now much different from our other fellow creatures. We are all made of atoms that have somehow become molecules, that have somehow in the far distant past learned, or stumbled into joining together to become more viable in their efforts to survive. When you get right down to it, even a rock is nothing but atoms, and oddly, atoms are mostly space such that particles such as neutrinos can zip right through a boulder and even go through the earth. Push against a huge rock, and we just can't seem to budge it, but physicists say that we do; we just don't realize it. It's a matter of perspective, or perception—again, do we really see what we think we see, or is it just that we're limited in how we perceive some things? Think of bacteria and a micrroscope.

"Genetics, along with physics, microbiology, and other disciplines, are increasingly joining together in their knowledge of finding out just what we are, if not why. In other words, what we think we see is not necessarily what is, or just a small portion of what truly is. Evolution by natural selection, randomness of our DNA coming together, mutations in our DNA, morphing of our DNA, and probably our environmental changes make us what we are, and we are constantly changing, though we can't say it is for the better, especially as regards those changes due to our environment. Industry is not in the business of making sure about being conscious of their effects on us as a species, but rather on making money to insure the survival of their company. We need to change their perspective on environmental awareness and its effects on us as a species. The findings of genetics is helping to make this awareness more openly incumbent on them."

Ms. Connor continued to impress us, especially Paige, with her knowledge and how she made as sure that she could to pass it on to us in a way that was interesting.

* * * *

"She's fabulous," Paige gushed, meaning Ms. Connor of course.

"She is," I agreed, "and she makes so much so clear to us though some of it is hard to imagine. Can you just see a boulder budging when we try to push it?" I asked with a wry grin.

"Yeah, that's pretty hard to imagine, but just maybe we need to start to think in those terms. Hmm, maybe it's so hard just as a round earth was hard for some to believe in because it didn't seem round to them, or that the earth is the center of all and everything goes around us."

"You may be right," I had to agree with that possibility.

Changing how we looked at things was a challenge, but then it had been for some for ever so long, though we now knew better, or more fully, I should say. Still, not everyone saw things as we know are real. Some fools, I understood, are even saying that we walked in safety among dinosaurs like T-Rex claiming that they were vegetarian. I hadn't read where they explained—if they ever did—how T-Rexs and the others fit in Noah's arc. For that matter, I also understand that some people still believe that the earth is flat. We have a long way to go on erasing a lot of the ignorance that is still prevalent.

* * * *

As things moved on, so did my thoughts on religion. That was coming about slower though, time being a constraint on my thinking and wondering about it. Still, I did make some time to restudy the bible as I hadn't before. In fact, I realized, I seldom really read the bible. Oh, I read some of what our "bible study guides" suggested, but really getting into with an objective awareness, it was different.

I began to seek out books that were as heretical as my heart seemed to be; that is, of a different view than what was considered orthodox, which orthodox really meant, as I came to understand, what they wanted us to think we knew, and make us believe that it was god's word from the bible and thus the truth.

One of the things that set my mind into a tizzy was how I never thought about how different were the stated happenings in the gospels after Jesus was said to have risen. They varied sharply, and that meant that there was quite a bit of error. Reading it all anew, I had to admit that I had seen those differences before, but had never paid any attention to them. Why not?

Maybe it was because it was automatic to believe as we were told things were. No, it was never pointed out that there was a difference in them, but rather it was that when spoken about, they were spoken of individually, and not together. No sermon contained all of them, or any combination of two of them, so I always saw them as just the one of the moment, and that was that—no differences of any kind appeared in my mind. The Christmas story was always from Matthew too, and never mind that there was no census ordered by Rome. We only saw what we wanted to see, to enjoy the time as we had been told to enjoy it, presents and all along with all the decorations that were never there at the supposed birth. It was all about culture, what we had been taught to believe.

Right after that, it came to me to look at the discovering of Jesus after he had been placed in the tomb. Once more, my eyes were opened at the fact that there were distinctively opposing accounts of not only who found him arisen or gone, but how. Why hadn't I noticed it as being so like just a bunch of stories. All of this gave rise not to Jesus having risen, but to prima facie evidence of fictional stories though my heart didn't want to believe that was so. There was no way I could deny what I saw objectively—the books, that is, the gospels, had been cooked, so to speak, and badly at that, but that's not what we were taught to see.

As I thought of those things, I sat there in wonder at my gullibility, the gullibility of all of us and felt a sadness that brought tears to my eyes. I didn't doubt that Jesus was a historical person, but the gospels had to be mostly pure fiction, so what to really and truly believe? So many different stories; there was no doubt that they were all a fiction, or just one wasn't, but if so, which one, and why did they subscribe and make us believe in all of them?

"What's wrong, hon?" my darling Paige asked me with a worried tone in her voice.

I told her.

"Oh, crap. I guess that's so, huh, and you're just now seeing it. Okay, I never saw it, but I never did care, only seeing that I was given presents. You, though, had it all as if in your blood, huh?"

"Yeah, it was in my blood, in my mind, in my heart, in all of me, and it's phony as can be and I'm just now realizing it. The shame of it is that if it wasn't for our love, I never would have looked at it. It's only because of our love, women loving other women sexually, and them all being against it so much that it brought me to look at it all and wonder. If not for that, I'd still be as I was about all things church. I hate it, Paige. I really hate it.," I cried on, my tears still steady if not more so.