25 comments/ 58495 views/ 53 favorites MidLife in Crisis: Joyce's Awakening By: Myhands316 Author's Notes; This is the third and final story in the Mid-life in Crisis series. Again, due to time constraints, my wife is the only editor for this story. If there are mistakes, I take full responsibility for them. Please remember this is a copywrited work of fiction and all legal disclaimers apply. I hope you enjoy the story. My first ever Blog entry: Hello, my name was Joyce Wolford. I really don't know how to do one of these blog things, but my daughter and therapist tell me it will be good to write this down. Two years and six months ago, I would have never thought I would have that much to write about. So much has changed it is hard to know where to start. I was raised in a good Christian home by loving parents. I did all the things people did back then, before the internet, cell phones, and all this modern technology. We went out and looked at the stars, rode our bikes in the fields, went to movies in safe groups, and planned our weddings as a pack of giggling girls. I met Richard Wolford at a church function my parents insisted I go to. I was impressed with how focused he was. While most boys were running around and getting into trouble, he knew he was going to Seminary and becoming an Ordained Minister. He always treated me with a distant if cordial respect. It was at my mother's insistent prompting, that I started dating him. I mean he was a mother's dream. He was a nice, clean cut, polite and respectable young man, when those things were not in fashion. He never used bad language in their presence and never tried to take any liberties while we were out on our dates. It was six months before he would even be seen holding my hand in public. Kissing and other activities were only things you only did in private. He was the perfect date, if a bit boring for my freer spirited self. The only one who noticed the subtle changes in me was my best friend Bernice Mott. I call her Bernie. We would talk about everything. She was the first one I told when Richard asked me to be his wife. She was the first one I told I was pregnant. She was the first one to know almost everything about me. Yes, I was a virgin bride. No, I didn't have a problem waiting for him to finish school. If I really think about it, being engaged to Richard gave me a reason to avoid other men. While I was in school, it gave me a sense of freedom. I had my thin platinum ring that would back off any guy who started to bug me. My mother was extremely excited about my wedding. It was the one she always wanted but couldn't afford. Everything went as planned. My parents couldn't have been happier. They were able to get me married off before I could be tempted in the sexual revolution that was going on at the time. Those were conversations I always hated. I got pregnant soon after my nuptials. I honestly have to say, I loved being a mother. I doted on my children. Also while I was pregnant, I didn't have to worry about having sex with my Richard. He accomplished his goal, and didn't want to risk hurting the baby. Sex with Richard was all about him getting me pregnant and keeping God's commandment of not denying your mate physically. That meant that twice a month, in the dark, if I wanted it or not. He would climb into the missionary position, shove himself into me, and grunt until he was done. Other than getting pregnant with my three children, I received no satisfaction from it what so ever. As he worked through the ranks while becoming a senior Minister, I had to take on more responsibility in the church. At first it was leading the nursery. Then came the Sunday school for women. Next was marriage counseling or single women's groups, to prepare them for a God centered marriage. I had my own money, because I was employed by the church. My money was to keep the house maintained. Richard had his own account of course. He would give me an allowance from his money to make sure I never got behind in the bills. Other than that, I have no idea what he did with his salary. According to him, it was none of my concern. This was the picture of my happy marriage. Again, looking back on it, it wasn't so happy. At one time I did feel content, but as the kids grew up and started having their own lives, I was no longer even that. Complacent would be a better word. Please don't misunderstand. My husband was never overtly abusive. He never hit me or yelled belittling things at me. At best, most days I was treated with cold indifference, as he led his congregation down God's path. In all outward appearances, I was the perfect Minister's wife. I had suppressed the happy go lucky girl, Joy Hampton so far, I didn't think she existed any longer. I suppressed the fact that I always was more comfortable around women. That I never liked sex with my husband, and that I had an opinion of my own. Bernie was my only friend who didn't know me as the uptight entity Joyce Wolford, I had become. If I am to be truly honest in this blog thing. I have to admit, the only time I felt complete, was when the two of us girls, were doing things together. She was my rock. She was the one who kept me sane when the kids were sick and whining. If I couldn't do something, it was Bernie who seamlessly stepped into my place and made everything right again. So, what happened two years ago that changed things? Well actually it was a bit farther back than that. Over the previous summer, we had let our daughter, Elspeth; go to an internship camp. This was so she could find her vocation. It was the first time Joy Hampton showed her face in over twenty years. Joy put her foot down and told my husband that I would pay for her trip. That she needed to see some of the real world, before she was forced to settle down. He was putting pressure on the boy that had been dating her, to propose. I honestly didn't see any attraction between the two, but Richard was sure that David was a good match. Richard read me chapter and verse about the dangers of the world outside his church and that she would be pulled into vile temptation. Richard believes in the freedom of choice, as long as you chose what he wants you to. Any other options are ungodly, in his opinion For the first time in longer than I could remember, my daughter was happy with me. We talked and I felt like we had repaired the bond that had been missing since she entered her teenager years. I was so happy that my baby girl wanted to talk to me again. Joy started slipping out more and more. Then she left. I felt like someone came and carved a huge hole in my middle. The highlight of my day was waiting for her to call me every night. Do you know how saddening it is to know you are fixing simpler dinners, just to get it out of the way, so you can sit there and stare at the phone until it vibrated? I wanted to fly out and hug her when she called me crying because some old woman who she befriended died. I didn't know what to do about the change in her voice whenever she started mentioning her roommate Amy in every conversation. I about went crazy when we were told that some of the men had tried to assault her. The first time I actually thought of doing physical harm to my husband, was when he tried to insinuate that somehow Elspeth had brought this upon herself. It was also the first time I looked at my marriage and found it wanting. Two weeks later, I picked up a very subdued Elspeth. I wanted to smack my husband for being an insensitive clod, with his self centered interrogation as soon as he saw her. I tried to find out what was bothering her, but I despaired. The breach that I thought was healed had just been covered over. All I could do was watch as she tried to come to grips with whatever was bothering her. The day I stopped caring about my husband, was the day my daughter tried to tell me that she had found someone to love. At first I was happy, and then she said Amy's name. My first reaction was to start lecturing her about the inappropriate nature of that kind of relationship. All the time Joy was screaming that our baby had found someone to love, and like so much of her life, we missed it. Our discussion caught Richard's attention and he butted in at the worst possible moment. He did nothing but denounce her and kicked her out of my home. Joy finally wrenched her head up and tried to fix it before it was too late. Joy had heard everything our daughter said, and it all made sense to her. Joy knew the loving feeling of being with another woman and feeling complete. Joy cried as she watched her only daughter go into the airport and walk out of her life again. This time it felt like it was forever. That afternoon, I purged to Bernie. I felt like I would never see her again. I knew she had made her choice and there was no turning back. For the first time in my life, I hated someone. The unfortunate thing was; I was married to him. Joy's heart was truly broken and she didn't know if it could ever be fixed. I refused to talk to Richard and for the first time in our marriage, I refused him his twice monthly sex. He admonished me about rejecting him and headed back to his own bedroom. I could never speak the profanities Joy was screaming in my head, as he walked his sorry ass out of my room. That catches you up to a year ago. After much prayer and fasting, I finally started talking to my daughter, not at her. I started to get a glimpse of her happiness. I figured it was time to try and repair my marriage. The stalemate couldn't continue. Here I have to say that in the past few years, I haven't been inside my husband's church office that much. I had noticed that he had gone through several receptionists since Mary Planters and her husband moved away. I also notice that they were getting younger as each one left or were replaced. Never expecting to come to the office, I didn't hesitate when I saw the empty desk, to go past it and walk in. I opened the door and saw my husband in profile. What I never expected was to see his young assistant kneeling between his legs, doing something I never would. His pants were around his legs and she had him in her mouth. I didn't utter a sound as I turned and closed the door behind me. They never paused in the sin they were committing. Mrs. Rittenhouse stopped me. "How is everything? You're looking a bit pale Joyce." Her voice sounded strained and her eyes were wide. "I'm fine; I just forgot something in my car." I told her and walked as fast as I could out of the building. I headed straight home and made it to my bathroom before my stomach emptied. I remembered what Elspeth told me about seeing a penis and it making her ill. About how she got sick when that boy David, had kissed her. Just thinking about that young girl on her knees doing that... my stomach lurched again. I kneeled there until there was nothing left for me to bring up. Even then, my stomach clutched as tears streamed down my face. I was heart sick. I never thought about violating my marriage vows and there he was doing that, with a young woman. I was hurt. No, I was furious. He cut off his only daughter because she was honest with him. Yet, he had lied to me and God every day as he fornicated with other women. I realized he was too comfortable in what he was doing, for this to be the first time. This is what they called a deal breaker. I could never look at him again without seeing that revolting scene. He was so self-absorbed I doubt he even realized I was there. I rinsed out my mouth and spewed out the water, thinking about the rude way she was holding his testicles as she bobbed up and down on his member. I could remember the sickening sounds, while she slobbered over his crotch. If only he didn't come home. I might have been able to control Joy. But, true to his nature, he came in and started in about why dinner wasn't on the stove. About, how I could be negligent in my duties as house keeper and wife. Joy had had enough. "Have your harlot cook your dinner." I screamed at him. "Don't think you will ever put that thing into me again after what I saw." I was tempted to slap the smug look off his face, but I refused to resort to violence. "What did you see?" He asked imperiously. He didn't even have the courtesy to look guilty. "I saw you having sex with that... that tramp, that whore, that woman!" I refused to back down. I was, as they now put it, DONE! "I have never had sexual intercourse with another woman. I would not abuse my vows to you in that way." His tone and manner told me that he thought that he had done nothing wrong. "You will not service my needs that way. I am a man of flesh, with needs of the flesh. Granted it might have been a bit sinful, but I have repented my sins of the flesh." "You hypocrite!" I actually screamed at him. "You kick out my daughter for sinfulness, but you are doing worse." "She will have to be judged for flaunting God's natural law. Yes, I have erred, but I do ask for forgiveness. You must grant me this forgiveness so we can get past this little incident. I will ensure that you will never see that again." What an insufferable pompous ass. "I notice that you didn't say it wouldn't happen again, that only I wouldn't see it. You must think I am defective." I could take no more. Joy had been suppressed for too long. "I am leaving. I will contact you when I have regained enough composure to speak to you in a civil tone. I, most likely, will not be coming back." I started opening my drawers. "You are going nowhere." He actually tried to order me. "We haven't finished discussing this. You will submit to me in this issue, as is proper for a woman in your position." He tried to lord over me like had so many times before. "I will not allow you to harm my ministry with this foolishness. You have denied me and I found relief elsewhere." He grabbed my arm, trying to stop me from removing my under-things. "I haven't harmed anything, and I will not." I wrenched away from him. "You have done enough damage already. So, if you do not want the police involved, I would go into your study until I am done packing. I will not be treated like chattel. I am not a possession. I have been a good and faithful wife and mother for over twenty years. This will not be my reward." I pushed him out of my room and slammed the door in his stunned face. I packed as much as I could fit into my three bags I used for church retreats. The rest could wait until later. I needed to get out of there before I did something untoward. I put my bags in the mini-van and put my toiletries in a clean garbage bag. As I left the house, I informed Richard at full volume. "I am leaving. Do not call my cell phone. I will contact you when I am ready to talk to you again. I am taking the van. If I can leave in peace, I will say nothing to no one as to why I have left you." The door slammed behind me and I honestly didn't look back. I could feel his eyes on me, as he looked out of his window. Without hesitation, I pulled out and headed down the street. As always, the first place I went to was Bernie's. ******************************************** Second Entry; I was better than I thought: After having Elspeth and my counselor read my first blog, whatever a blog is anyway. I read what I wrote. And yes, I have to admit, that I sounded just as much a pompous ass as I accused Richard of being. I guess I am just that far out of current speech patterns and the only writing I have done has been for the church. I really did speak that way. So, maybe, that influenced how I wrote it. Sorry honey, although it did and does make me laugh, I will not take Amy's advice and start calling you father Dick. Even if, it is a current shortanace of his given name. Yes, it is an appropriate misnomer to who he is and how he has acted toward me. But, I will not succumb to such belittling temptation. I love you and thank you, for all your support. Okay, taking my doctors advice and my ten deep breaths, I will try and go on. I was almost inconsolable when I reached Bernie's house. I also didn't know she had visitors. Thankfully, Bernie, being who she is, took me in and put me into a guest room until she could excuse herself from her company. I have no idea how long I laid there crying. I must have blocked out some of the time. My next vivid memory was waking up with Bernie rubbing my back and giving me some much needed, soothing tea. We must have talked for hours. The whole time Bernie was either holding my hand or touching me in some way. I think it was just the life line I needed to let Joyce rest, while Joy started to find her way to the surface again. Bernie verbally took me back though my adult life until she found her best friend again. By the end of it, we were giggling like two school girls. "There she is." Bernie sighed. "You have no idea how much I've missed you Joy-Joy." Bernie stroked my face, calling me by my childhood nickname. We laughed until I cried happy tears, over some of the trouble we used to get into. I fell asleep in her guest bedroom. She cuddled in and held me. For the first time in since high school, I felt truly at peace. Yes, I know my life was in a shambles, but Bernie had found that part of me again and held on to it until I could find my way back from the brink. The next morning, over coffee, Bernie said the words that made me realize that I might have a chance to salvage something that I had thought was lost forever. She told me quite frankly. "Honey, you need to go talk to Elspeth." She held my hands on her table. "Of all your children, I think she will be the most likely to understand. But, please go there with an open mind. You might be surprised." "Do you really think so?" I was terrified that my daughter would reciprocate the actions of her father. She had enough cause. "Jeremy is too much like his father. You know that. Steven is too self-absorbed to see anything other than how this will affect his life. He won't care about the pain you are feeling, he only cares about himself. Later, after he grows up some more, he will pull it together, but until then. Elspeth is your best shot. Remember she had the strength to stand up to Richard and go after what her heart wanted. She got that strength from you." She made some rather hard assessments about my life and children, but deep down I knew she was right. "Okay, do you think I should call first?" I asked, almost afraid to do what I knew was necessary. "No, if you really want to know where she's at with you, just show up. That will tell you all you need to know." Bernie was holding my hand again. "Once you can accept that, then there might be some hope." She sighed sadly. "If you think it is best." I knew I had her address somewhere, but didn't know how I was going to get there. "What about money?" I asked finally coming to some semblance of common sense. "Sweetheart, for once I'm glad Richard made you have separate accounts. You have your own money. Use it. Let him have to make the house work on his own. It might be educational for him. I would also call the bank first and tell them other than deposits, he is not allowed any information about your accounts. I think they will even let you put a password on it. Sweetie, you have to protect yourself. You know how he's going to react. Thankfully, it takes a decision from the board to fire you. I'd call the home office and tell them you are taking a vacation. You have enough of it coming." I don't know how I would have coped if it wasn't for Bernie's sound advice. She sat with me as I did what was necessary. She even went to the store with me and helped me buy a GPS thing, so I could find my way to my daughter's home. Bernie, in many ways, is my Godsend. I know if it wasn't for her, I would most likely ended up back in the oppressive relationship with Richard. MidLife in Crisis: Joyce's Awakening Instead, I programmed in Elspeth's address into my new gadget, repacked my clothes and headed west. I had a lot of time to think over that day and a half that I drove toward my daughter. Yes, I knew she was still roommates with Amy. Even in our infrequent conversations, she had told me that much. I just didn't know what to expect when I knocked on their door. It was during that trip that the two sides of me. Joyce, the perfect mother and Ministers wife, and Joy, the free-spirited girl who loved life and helping others, finally had it out. Joy was very angry at Joyce. During the long night, with the windows open, she screamed out her frustration. I am sure the cows and other animals understood. I was at my crisis point, but at least I was moving. If I was going in the right direction, I didn't know. Just like I didn't know if it was more out of fatigue or fear, why my hands were shaking as I looked at the blank white door of their apartment. What seemed like a great idea in the darkness of the long night of driving now terrified me in the dawning of the day. I didn't even think of the time, or even what day it was. I knocked softly with my heart pounding in my chest. "Quit being a wuss." Joy scolded me in my head. So, I knocked louder. By the third time I was almost pounding on their door. "Just a minute." I heard a disgruntled voice. The door burst open and a tall, athletically fit young woman answered. "Yeah, Whatcha need?" She looked like I had dragged her out of bed. "Who is it Babe...? I heard my daughter's voice. "Don't know... but she looks familiar. I think it's your mom." She scratched her rumpled hair. "She looks a lot like you." "Quit kidding around. My mom would never..." She came up in a very short shirt and hugged the woman from behind. Her face was a mask of astonishment when she finally saw me. "Mother...! What are you doing here?" Her face paled but she never let go of the girl. "I left your father!" I blurted. "YOU WHAT...?" Elspeth looked up at her companion in stunned disbelief. "Sweetheart, why don't we let her in? I'm sure the neighbors don't need the extra entertainment this early on a Saturday morning. Besides you forgot your panties again." Amy said and kissed my daughter as she walked back into the apartment. "Yes, come in." She reached out and pulled me into their home and closed the door. I had to admonish Joyce numerous times to keep her big mouth shut. I know Amy lovingly stroked my daughter's backside in front of me to make a point. I also noticed the matching rings they wore and where they wore them. "What happened?" Elspeth asked me, bringing me out of my private thoughts. "I caught you father cheating on me." I could barely get the words out. "I've left him and have no intention of going back." I was shaking so hard I was vibrating. "He what...?" Amy pivoted and headed back to me. Unknowingly, I hit a sore spot with her. Before I could react, she looked at Elspeth and I was instantly engulfed in a warm double hug. "That sucks. It will be okay." I was shocked at Amy's reaction. I know they had to have talked about me. They'd been together for almost two years by then. "Yes mom, it will be okay. We understand." My daughter was crying for me. "Do you have your stuff? We don't have much room, but you're welcome to stay here." She offered without pause. Amy just nodded her head in agreement. "We'll call my moms'... they'll know what to do." Amy said to Elspeth. "Yes, they will." She stroked Amy's face. "Sweetheart, can I have a few minutes with my mother?" I saw the look of devotion that passed between them and I understood so much. Richard never looked at me that way. Bernie had at one time, but that was so long ago, I wondered if I had imagined it. "Sure babe... I'll go start cleaning the study and clearing off the bed. You two have a lot to talk about... remember it's your turn to cook." She kissed Elspeth and I felt a shock. It was like, for just a split second, I could feel their love for each other, pass through me. Joyce was mortified, but Joy was doing what Elspeth calls the happy dance. Elspeth sat me down on their couch and held my hand. "I am so sorry mother." I know she was talking to Joyce. "Baby-girl, just call me mom, if that's okay. It was your father who insisted on the formal address." I saw the tears in her eyes and wondered why I had let my husband ever cause a rift between me and my only daughter. "Mom, I am sorry, but I'm glad too. Maybe now we can go back to talking like we did before... before I married Amy." She sighed. "I hope that doesn't send you away, but there is only complete honesty allowed in our house. You have to know I share everything with my wife. We love each other and will let nothing come between us. Can you live with that?" My daughter had grown into a mature woman and I missed so much of it. But, since honesty was the rule, I was honest with her. "I don't know. I can see you love each other. I recognize it is love, not lust. Part of me is scandalized, but..." I held up my hand to stop her response, "another part of me is so very happy that you have found love and the strength to follow your heart." I shrugged, not knowing what else to say. "Thank you mom. I know that had to hurt on some level. I don't want to hurt you, but I will not hide the fact that I am married to Amy. There might not ever be another woman I could love, but I do love her and she loves me. We take our vows just as seriously as you took yours, to my father." "How did my baby become so wise?" I cupped her face in wonder. "I met a very special person. She accepted me for me and I fell in love with her. When I met her family, I found even more acceptance. Someone very smart told me. Finding love is like breathing. If it is right, you will know." She smiled at me. "There is so much I wanted to tell you." A single tear slipped past her guard and ran over my finger tips. I saw her bible and had to ask. "Do you still read that?" I pointed to it. "Yes, not every day, but often. I lead a women's group of our friends. I teach how God loves everyone who believes in him and though the Master's grace; we all can be saved. I even got Amy involved." She smiled sadly. "God is a big part of me and my wife accepts that." "I'm sorry I missed your wedding." I was crying. I had missed so much. "You were in my heart...." "And in mine...!" Amy said from behind the couch. "My wife loves you and has always wanted to bring you here to visit. You are a part of her and I love all of her. You're welcome to stay as long as you can accept us. I honestly don't expect you to agree, but if we can find acceptance." She smiled through her brimming tears. "I hate to break this up, but I'm starving and I have to go in, in a few hours. Feed me woman." She leaned down and kissed Elspeth and walked away again. "Come on mom, you can help." Elspeth pulled me up and held my hand as we went into their miniscule kitchen. I stayed for two weeks. In that time, the rift I once thought was insurmountable started closing. I just had to keep telling Joyce to mind her own damn business. Yes, I blushed like a little girl, the first time I heard them making love to each other. I knew from the sounds, they both enjoyed pleasing the other. To be honest, some part of me was jealous. They had more sexual enjoyment in those two weeks than I've had in over twenty years of marriage. I was hugged more times in one day at their small church, than I had in years of fellowship at Richard's. They sang, prayed and loved the Lord like I had never seen. It didn't matter that some of them had tattoos or piercing in places that made me hurt to look at them. I was amazed at how much love that empty storefront had, as they worshiped. They taught about the loving God, the forgiving God, not the punishing, angry, God. They openly admitted their Sin nature and tried to help those in crisis. For the first time in years, I actually felt close to my God and Master. The Pastor had a long beard and was covered in tattoos. He rode one of them loud motorcycles. But he preached of the joy of heaven so well, you could almost see it waiting for you. It was the first time in years where I actually learned something new out of the bible. There I was, in the den of iniquity, as my husband would call this place. With my openly lesbian daughter and her lover, learning about the Word in a way I have never done before. After service, the whole church went out and helped someone who needed it. We didn't get home until after dark. It was a day filled with God's Grace and I didn't know how to respond. My daughter had found her God, whereas I had lived years of Dogma, and called it God. "So, what are you going to do?" Elspeth and Amy asked over dinner the next night. "I'll have to go back and face him. He will have to seek the divorce. I have not broken my vows and will not break the marriage. I will not do anything to hurt the ministry." I held up a finger to stop their protests. "I made a hasty promise, but it is a promise all the same." I shrugged, not wanting to face him ever again, but knowing I had to. "Where will you live? You're welcome here, but it will be easier to get things finalized if you were closer." Amy said honestly. "I think I'll ask my good friend Bernie if I can stay with her during the divorce. She's a known quantity and will not damage my reputation or cause speculation of wrong doing. After that, I'll have to find a job I guess." There were so many unknowns then. There still are, but I am working through them one day at a time. "Mom, you've worked for the church for as long as I can remember. I know they have a retirement program. If nothing else you'll have that to fall back on. Father cannot deny you that. Just call to the home office and have one of them take care of it." Elspeth said sagely. "Listen to her Joyce. She's acing the Office Management stuff in school. Your daughter is one smart lady." Amy smiled at her lover and made me feel warm. "Please, call me Joy. Soon there will not be a Joyce Wolford anymore. I think I'm finding that I actually starting to like Joy Hampton again. It has been a long time since I've been her." I hoped my daughter understood. "Okay Joy, I'm going to give you the number to my moms'. Karney knows this really great lawyer. He helped my mom when my dad cheated on her. We've told them about your situation without going into the details." Amy held out a piece of paper with two women's names on it with one number. "I think now that you will like my mothers'. They are some really special people. Karney taught me that it was okay to get married. She helped me pick out our rings. Just keep your mind open, like you have done here, and everything will work out for you." Elspeth said seriously. "So you lived in a... with two...?" Okay, Joy was coming out, but Joyce was still there too. "Yes, after my parents divorced, my dad married the woman he was having his mid-life affair with. My mom and her best friend Karney became lovers and partners. No, before you ask, I already knew I didn't like boys before all that happened. My family accepts us. Even my father has learned. He has my moms' watch my little brothers from time to time." "OH my...! I never thought." Yes, I was blushing and I didn't even know why. "Remember the scriptures. 'Were you find love, you will find the Lord'. This isn't about lust or perversion. I know you will have to think about it, but the help is there if you need it." Elspeth reassured me. They gave me my privacy as I called and talked to Bernie. Bernie said that I could stay for a day or so, until we could have a talk and we could go from there. The next Monday, after a tearful goodbye, I started back. I have learned that long drives are great for unfettered thinking. It gave me time to processes everything that had happened in the last month without getting in my own way. Deep down inside of me, I knew I was on my way to healing some long buried wounds. They say the longest journey starts with the first step. That was my first step. *********************************************************** Third entry; Too many questions and too many answers: The past weeks have been trying. I met with my counselor, who Bernie referred me to, had it out with the leaders of the Church, and confronted my husband. I also learned more than I ever thought possible, about the world around me. After I came back from visiting my daughters, I had a long overdue talk with my best friend and savior. I learned that although she had loved me for all these years, she wasn't in love with me anymore. Okay, I am getting ahead of myself again. I tend to do that when I try to avoid dealing with my issues. I know that sounds so cliché. But trust me. I've learned I have issues. On the drive home, I realized that Amy had called me mom more than Joy or Joyce. I realized as I watched the sun set, if I so chose, I now had two daughters; who loved me and accepted me unconditionally. I have often read about the healing nature of women. It was the first time I had ever experienced it firsthand. I was bursting with news as I pulled into Bernie's drive. She, true to her nature, hugged me and welcomed me in. We chatted that evening about what had happened at the girls place and how things started to be different for me. She warned me of the trial to come and we decided to go to bed. She gave me a soft kiss goodnight. It felt nice. That night I dreamed of being in the center of a hurricane. As long as I stayed in the center, I had peace. If I ventured out in any direction there was chaos and destruction. For some reason, I knew someone was there with me. They were always standing right behind me, giving me the strength to do what I had to do. I figured it had to be God. The next morning, over coffee and raisin tarts, Bernie sat across from me and asked. "So, how do you feel about your daughter now?" I knew she was going somewhere with the conversation, but had no idea where. "It was an eye opening experience. I have to say, I never expected what I found out. Oh, I have daughters, plural. Amy is my daughter." I smiled. "Oh sweetie, that's great news." She beamed at me, but then got serious. "Joy-Joy, I have to say something that might shock you. Please, please; let me finish before you say anything. Can you do that for me?" She pleaded and I saw a great amount of fear in her eyes. "Bernie, you are my oldest and dearest friend. I'd do anything you ask." I told her, meaning every word of it. "Okay, I'm going to hold you to that. She sighed. "Sweetie, I know how Elspeth feels. I fell in love with you in high school. It was right after I lost my virginity to Tommy Porter." She smiled fondly in remembrance. "I have to admit, the sex felt good as long as it lasted, but something was missing. The next morning I figured it out. You were missing. If I could do that with you, then everything would be complete. Five days later you came and told me that Richard had asked you to marry him and you accepted. I was devastated." She smiled at the look on my face. "Why...?" I started to ask. "Remember, not until I'm done." She sighed again. "That was when I decided that I could only be your friend. That's when I knew I would have to find someone else to love. We both know I played with plenty of boys. I remember you teasing me about it. I didn't tell you everything. I played with just as many girls or with both at the same time. I learned that I enjoy sex very much. For a long time I equated sex with love. But the only problem with that, the only one I truly loved, was you." She laughed a little bit before going on. "I guess in today's world, I would have been called a slut. Maybe I was. I know I was always careful who and what I did that with, after Debbie Jones came down with the clap. After a while I learned it was better to do that with married couples. They were safer. But, they were still not you." I couldn't help myself. "You're in love with me?" I was shocked, but not as shocked as I might have been once. "No... no, I'm not. I love you and have for more years than I can count. But, I knew when I kissed you goodnight last night, that the 'in love' part just exists in my fond memories."She sighed wistfully and then went on. "You have to know what happens here on occasions. I have some lovers. You met them the night you left Richard. They have been married for over fifteen years. I have been making love to them just as long. I met them on their honeymoon." "With both of them...?" I was astonished. I never thought Bernie of all people.... "Yes, with either or both. We even tired to live together for awhile but once she had children, it was too confusing for the kids. When she couldn't have sex, he would come over here. When he was away on business trips, she would be here in my bed with me. Bi-sexual is what they call it. "But church...!" "What about it. I love God and I am not committing adultery. Everyone knows and is okay with what happens. No one is cheating. I will not do anything that I could be doing and have the other come in and see. There is no shame and no guilt. Why don't you think I have never had children? There was no one I would want to have kids with, other than you. I had my kids through you. The only person I have ever really truly loved. You have to know this if you want to stay here while you do what is necessary." "I couldn't...." I gasped at the implications. "We wouldn't expect you to. This is between the three of us. But there are occasions that one or both will come over. If the mood is right, we will end up having sex. They are a very understanding and loving couple. They understood immediately when you showed up. You almost walked into something that would have shocked you." She smiled. "I don't know what to say." "You don't have to say anything. They know you come first, but they also know how strong my sex drive is. They are the only reason that I have been able to keep it discrete. I'm not ashamed of who and what I am. But on the other side of that coin, what I do in the privacy of my own home, and who I do it with; is no one's business but those involved." She reached out to see if I would take her hand. I did. "You are right. If I had seen that after what I saw Richard doing, I would have run out of here screaming." I told her honestly. "You are also right; it is not my place to judge. Honestly, until I stayed with the girls, I didn't think sex could be pleasurable." "Sweetie, one of the first things you need to do, is get some good counseling. You have way too much going on right now. Trust me, if you don't, you'll break. I don't want that. But I can't hide what happens either. That is why I said we had to have this talk first. I'm willing to go over to their house for awhile. But that will only last so long. Their kids are a hand full. That is why they like coming over here. Someplace they can let their hair down and not have to keep it quiet." "Okay... um this is too much too fast." I was getting dizzy sitting there. "That is why I'm going to suggest you call Margret Scott. She helped me through some pretty serious stuff. I think she can help you too. I know what it feels like to be the orphaned kid in the candy store. You've heard all you life about how great candy is, but never had any. Then all of a sudden, someone puts you into a candy store and says, 'have whatever you want'. That kid is likely to have a heart attack before he can get his or her first piece." "What does that have to do with me?" I asked confused. "Sweetheart, you are that kid. You've been in a loveless marriage from the beginning. You thought that it was all there is out there. Now, you find out there is more than you could ever imagine, and it's good. You find your daughter is in a loving relationship and enjoying sex on a regular basis, with another woman. You find that your best friend is a hyper-sexed, bi-sexual woman. You don't know where to go or what to do. You will either cave, running back Richard or go crazy. You need to deal with some of the twenty years of repression you've lived through. Then there are the issues of catching Richard in the act. That's one explosive mix." MidLife in Crisis: Joyce's Awakening My head spun out of control as all these new thoughts ran rampant. Bernie, knowing how close to the edge I was, held my hand and pulled me back from the abyss. "Nothing will happen to you that you don't allow. Margret can help you there too. You need some healthy boundaries. All I can do is what I've always done. Be your best friend and be there for you." She smiled warmly. "You need a safe place. I am willing to give you that safe place. But you had to know what it means first. I have faith in you Joy-Joy." She sat with me as I called Margret, and urged me to make my first appointment. What surprised me was that she made room for me in less than a week. She also sat next to me when I called the home office. It seemed that since I took vacation, Richard had been giving them false information. According to what they had heard. Richard had removed me from my employment due to stress issues. And, since I was no longer employed by them, they didn't have to honor their commitment to my retirement since my husband was still employed by them. "Did you receive a two week notice? Did I say I wanted to end my employment when I asked for vacation? Have you ever had a negative work report during the twenty years of my employment?" I asked them bitterly. "I split away from my husband for biblical reasons and you are terminating my employment?" "Joyce, he is the senior Minister. We have to go by his..." He tried again. "Not when he is in the wrong. Look, I don't want it to come to this, but I will be talking to an attorney in the near future, I hope I won't have to bring this to their attention." "Well Joyce, you can use our legal department..." He offered hoping I would take it and give them control. "Right, they represent you. I will be getting someone who represents me. I have earned my benefits. Has he told you why I left?" I demanded, getting irritated. "No, he just said you were under stress and needed to leave our employment. Your employment has always been voluntary." I know they were trying to protect themselves, but that didn't mean I was going to put up with it any longer. "Like hell it has. I didn't have a choice. I never applied or asked for over half of the work I have done for the church. Let's not forget all the free labor I've given you. I never volunteered for any of this. Richard might have volunteered me, but never have I done so." "Now Joyce, there is no need...." He was back to stammering. "Have Richard explain it to you. He is the reason I am leaving. I have made a promise that as long as I can leave in peace, I will not cause any harm to the ministry. If not, I can raise a stink that will destroy it. It will be up to him to justify why he has to file for the divorce and the actions that caused it. I fully expect the church to support me in this and that is all I will say at this time. Oh, and you might want to reassign his assistant. She is also involved in this affair." I know I shouldn't have said that, but Joy had had enough of their crap. "We will take that under ad...." I shut my phone and let him finish his words to the empty air. I knew I had to talk to Richard, but I wasn't ready yet. It might been cowardly, but something told me to wait until I spoke to Margret. Over the next two days, Bernie gave me my space as I muddled through each day. Again the only bright spot was waiting one of my daughters to call. That Thursday, I went to see Margret for the first time and started learning about myself. The great thing about Margret, is that what we talk about is private. Bernie and the girls agreed wholeheartedly, and for the first time ever, I didn't have to answer to anyone if I was in a bad mood. I chose to confront Richard on Sunday between services for many reasons. Some were good, some were not. The end result would have been the same no matter when it happened. No, even here will I ever go over the hurtful, hate filled, things he said to me. I did make my point when I showed him a news article about another Minister of a large church, that had had brought the church down when his misdeeds came to light. "When you find legal representation, let me know so I can give you the name of my attorney. We can do this easy, where I fade into the distance, Or...." I pointed to the paper I put on his desk. "The choice is yours. No more calls to the home office. In due time I will tender my retirement. Until then, I expect to be kept on the payroll." I let him sputter for a minute. After I knew he had nothing to say that I wanted to hear, I left him standing there. "Who is going to pay the bills?" He shouted as I was about to open the door. "Not me. I don't live there I will not pay the bills there. I have enough to worry about trying to find a place to live and a different job, without worrying about a place I no longer live." I was proud that I didn't slam the door as I left. I smiled at the people who were there, trying to figure out what was going on. I expected Mrs. Little to come up to me. My old jobs now fell to her shoulders. "Joyce, what is going on? First I hear you left Richard, then you disappear and now it is said they have fired you. I need some help. I don't know what I am doing. I'm in over my head." "I'm sorry Pamela, but the issues Richard and I are facing are between us and God, and they will stay there. You have as much training as I did when I took the jobs and I wish you God's speed. Tell the women that I am sorry, but I can't be there anymore. I wish you and Allen the best of luck, but I have to go." I hugged her and left her standing there with a shell shocked expression on her face. ****************************************** Blog number four: Losing and then finding myself again: If it wasn't for the girls, Margret and Bernie, I know I would have lost my mind. It was odd to have Bernie at the end of that list, but unfortunately, she was part of the issue. It took Richard two months to finally realize that I wasn't coming back. Then he tried to find fault in anything I was doing, through our sons. I actually had to hang up on the boys when they started with the woman is supposed to submit to their husbands lecture that learned at their father's knee. It is funny how they always forget that husbands are to respect and submit to their wives. I mean it is only in the next scripture. Yes, I know I'm avoiding again, but I have a good reason. Over the last few months, I have to make many adjustments. The one I'm trying to avoid is one of the biggest. It also only happed only a few days ago. I know Bernie warned me, but I was still not prepared. I came home from seeing Margret. We had a short talk that day and I guess Bernie expected me to be longer. I unlocked the front door and came in. It was almost surreal. The situation was so familiar. Only this time it was Bernie on her knees. But, there wasn't a man. Mary, Ted's wife, was naked on the couch, holding Bernie's hair. She was saying. "Oh Bern, I wish Ted would learn how to eat my pussy like you do... oh yeah right there sweetie. OH, oh, eat me... make me cum again. Oh, lick meeeeee!" She stiffened up as I stood there watching. I was and am so confused. I slowly walked to my room to give them the privacy to finish what they were doing. It didn't seem that much longer when I heard Bernie moan in pleasure. If they saw me I didn't know. What confused me was my reaction. I wasn't repulsed by what I saw. Somewhere deep down, it looked very natural to have Bernie's wet face giving Mary pleasure. There was no indecency, only a sense of sharing. What really confused me was my body's reaction. I had no urge to throw up. But my underwear was moist for some reason. My breasts ached like when I knew one of the children were hungry. I found looking at the two naked women to be beautiful, not nasty or obscene. I could see the tenderness as Mary held Bernie's head against her sex. I could smell the scent of her from across the room. I even noticed the wetness on Bernie's chin. It didn't bother me that Mary was massaging her own breast with her free hand. Or that Bernie had her hand between her legs, obviously using it on her own sex. I was brought out of my stupor by the sound of the front door closing. All I could do was stand and breathe as I heard Bernie's footsteps. "Joy-Joy, are you home?" She asked timidly. "Yeah Bernie, I got home a bit ago. I'm sorry if I interrupted." I blushed. "No... we're sorry we weren't done before you got home. Are you okay? Can I come in?" She asked next to my door. "Yeah sure Bernie, it is your house." I opened the door and saw her standing there in a thin robe. I could smell them on her and my groin clutched. Bernie looked at me a second before asking. "Are you okay with what happened?" I think she saw what I couldn't realize. I was sexually excited, but didn't know what to do about it. "Yeah, it is okay." I blushed again as flashes of the scene flipped in my brain. "How was your time with Margret?" She knew to change the subject as I looked at her as a sexual being for the first time. "It was good, but short. Um, not to be rude, but what is for dinner?" I had to find some stable ground for my own sanity. Bernie smiled. "Whatever we fix after my shower." We were okay again. Yes, I had a lot to think and talk to Margret about, but we were fine. *************************************** Blog Five: I am NOT a Lesbian! I can't be a lesbian, I have children. I was married for over twenty years. I am too old to be a lesbian. I refuse to be a lesbian. Lesbians are women who never even thought of being with a man. They didn't need penetration to find sexual release. I am none of those things. Okay, first I'm sorry it has taken so long to post another blog. But so much has happened that I don't know where to start. If we go back to my last entry, afterward, Bernie and I became more comfortable around each other. No longer did she feel the need to be covered just to knock around the house. I got used to seeing her nude. I even went into the hot tub one night without a suit. Yes, I have to admit it feels divine. I also learned what Bernie meant by loving, without being in love. I loved her, but I knew I could never share what she did with Mary. Mary also said that I was good looking, but she didn't find me sexually attractive. I took this with a grain of salt. But, they did start inviting me to a gathering of women. It reminded me of the all girl sleep over's when we were kids. There was a lot of girl talk and giggling. I was amazed by the openness they all showed each other. It was nothing to share a hug or a caring caress. Even a few soft kisses were exchanged. I stayed on the outskirts for a long time. I was still in the middle of my divorce. Margret and I had slowed down my visits, and I was feeling much better about myself. No longer did it bother me to be called Joyce. Joy and Joyce had become one again. Mary and Bernie still called me Joy-Joy, and that was fine too. Yes, I admitted that I was attracted to the form of a woman. I also no longer got physically ill seeing the male organ. It didn't affect me at all, as a matter of fact. I think that breakthrough help me close the gap between my sons and I. At least they were talking to me. I spent a few weekends with the girls. It is amazing how they went from being two women to this single entity I call the girls. To me it is one and the same. It doesn't matter who picks up the phone when I call. I'm still talking to my daughter. I no longer wait, if I need to talk, I call. Yes, I have woken them up, but they understand. We were at a mixed gathering. I don't know who set it up, but, Bernie and Mary begged me to go. It was going to be held at one of those spa places. It was hard for me to admit at forty five, I had never been to a spa, so I didn't know what to expect. What I didn't know, was that everyone there, except me, was a woman who loved other women. Some were like Bernie and Marry, and others were like Amy and Elspeth. I just thought it was another woman's group. Sure, I drank some of the wine, but not enough to get drunk. Yes, I enjoyed the massages and the pampering. Every woman does. What I didn't expect was Jeannette. She wasn't Jean, or Jennie, she was Jeannette. To me she was a cross between Princes Grace and June Cleaver. Even in her robe she always looked totally put together. When we went to dinner, I knew I had her in the correct category. Her clothes were understated, but expensive. She looked like she just came out of a salon. Jeannette had a seventies hourglass figure, with medium length reddish, colored, hair. What captivated me most were her deep green eyes. Every time I looked at them, they seemed to have this sparkle. I almost gasped when she sat next to me at dinner. Her voice was smooth as silk but just a touch of a Southern Drawl. Her lips were the perfect rose/peach and her perfume was subtle but intoxicating. You see these kind women and know they have a way about them. I knew for some reason my heart was beating faster than normal as she politely asked for the salt and pepper. They way she touched my hand made me think of soft silk gloves and butterfly wings. I wanted to lean in to hear whatever she said. No one has ever affected me this way before. She had natural warmth about her and my pulse would skip every time her leg or arm would brush against me. I didn't know she had kept my wine glass topped off while we chatted at dinner. I thought I only had two, but if you count all the refills when I wasn't looking, I was feeling warm and tingly. When she asked if I would like to get some air, I agreed instantly. She walked me though the secluded garden, telling me about her garden at home. She would stop to smell the flowers and then ask me if I liked the scent. My lips itched every time her silk blouse would part and show me just a hint of lace and cleavage. Stunning is the only way I could describe her and not feel like I had insulted her. "Shall we go in for a night cap?" She caught me looking at her again. "That would be nice." I felt gauche standing next to her. "Bernice tells me you are getting a divorce." She said, as she walked just inches from me. "Yes, it was final a couple of weeks ago." I shrugged in indifference. In my mind we were divorced the instant I walked in on him. "Who filed?" She asked unobtrusively. "He committed the adultery, so he had to file. I did what I could to keep my promise, so the court said irreconcilable differences. As long as I am free of it, I don't care." I told her calmly. "I hear your daughter is graduating soon." I know she was subtly directing the conversation. "Elspeth is. Her wife Amy, should graduate next year. They make the perfect couple." I smiled. "Oh, I see. So, you've accepted their marriage?" She looked at me intently. "Not at first, but now, I just call them my girls. They helped me so much when I first split from Richard." Once I started talking about the girls, I couldn't stop. My love and pride in them showed in everything I said. Before I knew it, we were at the door to her room. "Would you like to come in for a bit?" She asked me, her eyes going a bit smoky. "Yes. I am enjoying our talk." I let her lead me into her suite and close and lock the door. It didn't bother me that she locked the door, it made me feel safe. We sat on the divan and continued out chat while taking slow sips of wine. She sat close to me and would gently touch my arm. I was shaking and spilled a bit of wine. Before I could grab a napkin, she said. "I'll get that." Before I could react, she was kissing and licking the small drop of liquid of the corner of my mouth. I turned to look at her and out lips met fully. Joy was screaming in excitement that she was kissing us. I just moaned as something clicked inside of me. "I have never done this." I whispered, light headed. "Neither have I. I have always known someone a long time before...." "No, I have never... done any of this. I haven't even ever enjoyed physical relations." I don't know why it was important for me to tell her that, but it was. "Oh, Darling, then you are long overdue. But I don't have sex with anyone. I only make love to the woman who holds my heart. Tonight for some reason, that is you. Do you want me to stop?" Her green eyes held mine. "No, I don't think I do." Joyce was screaming yes, but Joy won the argument. "Then let us get more comfortable." She smiled and gently pulled me up. She walked us to the bed and slowly started undressing me. She knew I was frightened and guided my hands as I undressed her. Before I knew it, we were standing there naked. "Oh, you are just too gorgeous. Can I taste?" from that moment on, she was in complete control. She did things to me that I cannot describe. She moved my hands so they were cupping her breasts. Of their own volition, my fingers curved and found her hardening buds. She spent so much time just stroking me as she nibbled my flesh, causing it to rise. "Do you want me to make love to you?" She asked as her hand cupped my sex. "Yesssss...." I hissed out, completely under her spell. I saw in her eyes the same look as when Amy looked at Elspeth. She directed our lovemaking for over an hour. She gave me my first orgasm and then took me to my first climax. She taught me how to kiss and nibble her breasts as she teased my sex with her fingers. She guided my head and mouth as I learned how to give her sex pleasure. It was so natural and soothing. I was so involved; I didn't know when to stop as her juice flowed into my mouth. I continued sucking and lapping, thinking that there had to be an end. I made her growl as she flipped around and consumed me in return. I lay there twitching, when thought returned. She was kissing and licking the moisture off my face and I was copying her every move. "You are so sweet, but we need sleep Darling. We will do more of this later." She promised as she held me and my eyes closed. The next morning, well almost afternoon, I woke up with a sense of wonderment. I was in soft cotton sheets and I felt truly relaxed. I wondered about the dream I had the night before, thinking it had to be the wine. Then she moved. Jeannette stretched and cupped my breast from behind, causing red flashes behind my eye lids. "Good morning Darling. I was wondering if you were going to sleep the day away. I woke up earlier, but fell back asleep looking at you." Her smooth voice had a husky quality to it as she spoke into my ear, her hands never stopping their exploration of my breasts and nipples. "So, it wasn't a dream?" I asked and turned my head. "A dream come true maybe. But no Darling, we loved long into the night." I could hear the contentment in her voice. "If I have my way, we will be doing this for a long time, maybe even forever." "Oh...!" I gasped as her lips captured mine in a soft, loving, good morning kiss. "Yes, Oh...! As in, oh my, I never expected that." She sat up smiling, and looked deep into my eyes. "Darling, we need to have a long talk. But, if you keep laying there looking so delectable, we will never get out of this bed. Check out is in three hours. Come let me wash you and then we can talk over brunch." It made so much sense when she said it, I had to comply. It was with complete silence, as she washed me from head to toe. I had never felt so pampered or cared for. She sat me down and tended to my hair and face as I just sat there in stunned silence. I couldn't take my eyes off her naked form as she ministered to me. I had flutters in my center as I watched her dress so exactly. My hands itched with desire as she put on her lace bra. I licked my lips as she covered her moist, trimmed, neither region. Part of me wanted to catch the small pearl of moisture I saw on her lips. I was entranced. I was breathless as she turned and looked at my face. MidLife in Crisis: Joyce's Awakening "Oh, Darling, if you keep looking at me like that, we will never get out of here." She walked over and I felt the briefest of kisses before she pulled back and applied her lipstick. "Come darling, they have a secluded table with our name on it." My hands trembled as she helped me up and walked me to the door. As soon as we were in the hall, she let my hand drop and I sighed. How she knew exactly what to do, amazed me. We walked in comfortable silence and companionship to the eating area. She softly spoke our names to the hostess and we followed her to our reserved table. She didn't look at the menu as she ordered up the fruit bowl and cinnamon tea. "Do you have any regrets?" She asked, bringing me out of my fog. "Only that I didn't get to know you better before." I looked down hesitant, not knowing what to do with my hands. "Yes, there is that. But, you have to admit, we make perfect love with each other. I never expected it to happen. And Darling, I have been looking for a long time." She smiled at me as she set out the tea service. "I never thought it could be so...." Shivers went down my spine every time she called me that endearment. So much was said in that simple word. "Yes it was, wasn't it? For someone so new to Sapphic delights, you are one of a kind. I shudder at the thought of anyone ever sharing that with you, but me. If you are amendable, I would love to see if we can build on last night's loving." Alarm bells were going off in my head. Was she asking what I thought she was asking? She must have seen the look on my face. "Darling, I will not push. We can take this as fast or slow as you want. All I know is that we fit ever so well and I don't want to lose that. I think, you are a lot like me. Not one to share themselves easily. But to be honest, I want to share everything with you. I never believed at love at first sight until last night." She had her hand softly placed on mine. It was the only thing that held me in my chair. "I'm overwhelmed." There was something there and I knew it. Did I have the strength to go after it, was the issue? My heart was racing and my thoughts jumbled. "Think about it. I will take you to Bernice's. I know she and her friend have already left. I will ensure you have my information before we part. I think we could have something spectacular. I know I have never had a night like that before. I have never even...." She looked off and I saw the dreamy look on her face. "I just need to you understand, what happed was so special to me." I saw the tears in her eyes that she refused to let go. "This is so new to me. I just need some time to process. I've never had any enjoyment, until last night. There were so many firsts. I don't know where to start. Until my daughters' I never understood that a woman could be really in love with another woman. I know my ex-husband never in over twenty years made me feel any kind of pleasure like you did with your first kiss." Part of me wanted to kiss her right there just to feel her lips on mine. "Oh, Darling, I never knew you were so close to your crisis point. I knew there was something about you, which drew me in, like the moth to the flame. If you let me, I would like to help you past that crisis and what I believe could be a wonderful life together. Please, just think about it and talk to those you trust. Know that I will be waiting, if I am what you want." there was something so vulnerable in her eyes. I knew this was a woman who was used to being in control of every facet of her life. I planned on doing just that. Talk to those I trust that is. We ate in quiet companionship, not worried about filling in the empty spaces. We had said what needed to be said and it was time for just being in each other's company. After brunch, we went and got our stuff. Again I was transfixed by her every movement. We put our bags in her trunk and she drove me home. The only thing that was said or done was she softly held my hand, when she could, as she drove. Before I got out, Jeannette stopped me with a simple touch. As I turned to look at her, she reached up and gently cupped my face. Our lips met in the warmest of kisses that ended on a sigh. "I will call and we will talk." I promised her. I felt like a teenager again, coming home from the greatest date ever. The part of me that was Joy was again, doing the happy dance. I think a little showed as my hips swayed as I walked to the door. I could fell Jeannette watching me. I waved to her as I slipped in the door. I so wanted to go straight to Bernie and tell her everything. Unfortunately, that wasn't to be. I could hear the unmistakable sounds of people having sex. I knew Mary was getting close to her completion, because she was talking again. I knew I would be greeted by a view as I passed the living room. It was obvious by her words. "Oh yes, so good, oh yeah that's it right there. Oh Ted she is licking me so good. That's it, fuck her ass. Give it to her. I can feel her go deeper with every thrust. OH fuck... I'm cumming. Fill her ass; oh yeah..." She groaned in pleasure. She waved to me as I passed. They knew I was there but they were involved. I actually paused, taking in the tangle of bodies. Mary was on the floor, her legs spread with Bernie's head at the juncture. Bernie was on her knees and Ted was flexing behind her. As I looked at Mary I felt a tingle, when I saw Ted, I felt nothing. I waved back and quietly grabbed my cell phone and left them to their fun. "You did what...?" Elspeth asked me astonished. "Here let me put you on speaker. Amy come quick, mom is on the phone." I heard her call to her wife. "Say that again... Amy is here now." "I just made love to the most perfect woman." I said succinctly. "Way to go mom." Amy cheered me on. "A new lesbian is born." "I'm... I'm not a Lesbian. I can't be a lesbian. I have kids. I've had sex with a male. I've studied this. You two are lesbians, I'm well, I don't know what I am, but I can't be a lesbian." "Mom... MOM, breathe." Elsbeth said with a laugh in her voice. "Did you make love to her and do you love her?" "It was the most special night ever. I could get used to waking up next to her..." "That's a yes." Amy said loudly. "Did she take you where no man has ever been before?" "Oh goodness it was so, so; I never knew I could be that way." I breathed and felt myself get moist. "Another yes." I heard them giggle. "Okay, here's the big one, does she love you?" Elspeth quieted Amy so they could hear my answer. "She said she wanted to be with me forever, but I needed to talk to those I trust to see if this is what I wanted...." They were so excited for me that they weren't letting me finish my sentences. "Oh mom, that is a definite yes. When do we get to meet and talk to her?" Amy said with a sigh. "I, I don't know." I hadn't thought it through that far. "This is so unreal. My mom is in love with another woman." Elspeth said. "Tell me everything." "Sweetie, I have to go in to work. I am in the Pedi-ward today... mom, can she call you back?" She asked me over the distance. "Oh, yes... I'm sorry I didn't know." I stammered. "It's fine I just need her attention for a bit. She can call as soon as I go in." Amy said interrupting me. "Okay, you girls be good. I'll talk to you later." I said happily. "Mom, she is very good." I heard the husky quality in Amy's voice and blushed. I knew what she had on her mind. As a matter of fact it was also on my mind. Well the memory of it anyway. ****************************************** Last entry: Joyce Hampton. Okay, after much persuasion, I'll admit that I might be a lesbian. But only to family. To everyone else, well it is just not any of their business. I realized after talking to Elspeth for hours after Amy went to work. That one; I needed my own space, and two; I wanted to see where a real relationship could go with Jeannette. What I didn't know at the time was both problems had the same answer. I stayed with Bernie for another week and talked to Margret one last time, before I followed my heart and moved in with Jeannette. Again, I am trying to jump to the end. After my long talk, and since I had no idea if Bernie still had company, or if they were finished with their sex play. I ended up at the address that Jeannette gave me with her phone number. Again I was hesitant to knock at a door. This one was gilded glass and deep dark wood. I pushed the button to her doorbell and heard her heals on the floor as she answered the door. "Oh... Hello, Joyce." I could see the shock in her beautiful green eyes. "You said I should come over when I was ready to talk." I held my purse in clenched hands. "Yes Darling, I did." She smiled. "Why don't you come in?" She motioned me past her as closed and locked the door. I turned as I heard the deadbolt click into its arbor. As soon as I was facing her and in front of her glass door, she cupped my face and kissed me. I hesitated for only a second then my arms and hands moved of their own accord as I reached up and pulled her into me. I heard a noise behind me and pulled back. I saw the shapes of people behind me. "I didn't know you had company. I'm sorry to show up unannounced." I apologized. "Oh yes, let me introduce you Darling. And you are always welcome, announced or not. I'll get you a key if you like." She smiled at me and made my knees weak. "Mom... are you going to make the introductions, or are we going to have to guess who your friend is?" I heard the humor in the voice behind me. "I'm sorry Peter. Joyce has a way of making me forget my manners." She fanned herself and smiled mischievously. "Peter, this is my lover Joyce Hampton. Joyce this is my son Peter and his wife Gale. They came for dinner. I would have set you a place if I knew you were coming." She softly touched my back as she made the introductions. "It is nice to meet you Joyce." He smiled at me. "I was telling Gale, that someone special had to put that sparkle in my mom's eyes, as soon as we got here. She has been alone for so long. Welcome." He clasped my hand warmly and looked at his mother. "If another night would be better?" "No...!" We both said at the same time. "We can set another place. There is enough." Jeannette said with unruffled calm. "It will give everyone a chance to get to know one another." Two hours later, after an exquisite dinner set on fine china and wine out of crystal goblets. We again stood at the door as we said out goodbyes to Jeannette's son and daughter. After kisses and hugs all around, we watched as they walked to their car. I didn't realize it at first, but Jeannette had her arm loosely around me as we waved. Without thinking, I leaned into her as she waved to one of her neighbors and closed the door. "Did you bring a change of clothes Darling?" She asked looking at me with her enchanting eyes. "I didn't...." I was stammering again. "Then we will have to make due." She stopped my voice with her lips. I again woke up in soft cotton and hugged from behind. I could see the sun between the lavender drapes, peeking in. I turned and was greeted by her lips, giving me a reason to smile. Her warm nude body next to mine felt like heaven. "Darling, we are going to have to get to sleep much earlier if we ever want to get out of this bed before noon." She nibbled my ear, making me shiver and hug her arms to my middle. "I do so love watching you sleep though. You look so peaceful; it just pulls me back into slumber." I turned over and kissed her neck and nipples, before hugging her tight. "I could stay right here forever." I sighed against her warm skin. "Oh Darling, you have no idea what you do to me. But we have to have a talk. We have to have honesty if this is going to work." "I honestly don't want to move." I found her nipple again and this time I started what I knew was going to be a long loving experience. It was well over an hour later, when she rolled away and gasped. "Oh Darling, I'm famished, but I can't move." She was breathing fast and hard. "What did you do to me my love?" "I accepted." I kissed her stomach. "Oh... now we do have to have that talk. Let me up love. I'll make us some tea. Please for God's sake, put on a robe or we will never get this done." She forced herself out of the mussed bed and walked on shaky legs to her bathroom. I dozed happily until she woke me back up. "Darling, the tea is ready." She nudged me and nipped at my center. "Come on love, I'll be waiting in the sun room." I don't know how she did it, but she looked perfectly put together in her long satin robe and matching peach slippers. "Darling, um, I know who you are." I could feel her hesitation. "Yes...? Who am I, other than you new and hopefully last lover?" I asked confused. "Oh my... you say that with such passion even." Her face flushed and she bit her lip. "Honey, I know who Joyce Wolford was. You might not remember me, but I even went to your church while I was married to my husband. My kids and yours were in Sunday school together. I admired you even back then." "Patterson... that is your or was your last name." My brain flashed with Elspeth and another little girl playing house together. They would sit there and play for hours, ignoring everyone else around them. "How is Melody?" "Oh my God, you do remember. Darling, she is married with children and hating it." "I didn't until just now. I knew there was something familiar and comfortable about you, but I haven't seen you since the kids were little. What happened?" Memories flooded me about the demure woman who could never hold eye contact. "Charles was an abuser. He loved finding new and interesting ways in making me suffer. Melody married someone just like him. I'm trying to get her to a safe place, but she isn't ready to believe you can't change them." She wiped away the tear that fell. "Was an abuser?" I asked. "Yes, he was killed in Taiwan when a... a whorehouse that sold young children to foreigners, caught fire. He had a very good insurance plan, plus I sued his employers. I paid for the little boy's family to come over here and start a new life. They live in Seattle and are very happy." "Oh my GOD...!" I couldn't stay still. I was instantly by her side and hugging her. "I am so sorry. If I had known...." "You could have done nothing." She smiled at me. "I have come to grips with that and so much more over the years." The way she looked at me, I knew there was more. "Darling, I hate to say this, but the reason I left the church was because when Richard was consoling me...." I could feel the fear and loathing flow though her. "He wanted you give him oral sex!" For the first time in months, I felt sick to my stomach. I felt so bad for Jeannette. How she survived was a miracle. "You knew." She looked at me with something close to revulsion. "Not until I caught him at it and left months ago. But, it all makes sense to me now. He doesn't look at that as sex. To him it's fulfilling his needs of the flesh; he calls it." I cupped her face. "He... they; are in the past. We are in the present and looking to our future." I kissed her and opened our robes so we could have skin to skin contact. "Now, what are we going to do to get Melody out of there?" I asked as I hugged her. "We can't leave her trapped like that." I didn't care if her backyard neighbor could look over the fence and see us cuddling naked in her sun room. It only took two nights of us being separated to realize I need to gather my belongings and move them into the empty side of the closet. I thanked Bernie for letting me stay and promised that we would still be as close as always. The next weekend, I asked Jeannette if we could have a getting together party. She thought it was a great idea. It would give everyone a chance to meet each other's families. I called Bernie and invited her, then the girls, with the instruction to invite Amy's family, while Jeannette called her kids and invited them. It was the perfect chance to see Melody again where her husband could not refuse the invitation. "Darling, you know Randy hates me for being like we are. He will hate you on site and will probably go straight to Richard with all this." She was concerned and I loved her for it. "So, like I care what he thinks. Elspeth and Amy will be here, so will her family and yours. This is about us finding each other, not about him or my ex." I shrugged it off and kissed her again. Let me be clear. We loved each other fully, and showed it in the privacy of our home. In public, you had to look to see the small touches that gave us away. We were both very private people. To the unobservant, we looked like two long time friends going shopping together, rather than the lovers we had become. Anyway, back to the party. Almost everyone was there by the time Randy walked in like he owned the place. He ignored his wife as she tried to get their two kids together to bring them in. Amy's brother, Bryan, looked at him and shook his head. He went out to help so she could carry the Toddler as the older child looked up at him in fear and hid behind her leg. "Here let me help you with that." He smiled and reached for some of the stuff she was trying to carry. "No, it's alright, I've got it." Melody looked in her husband's direction fearfully. Her daughter, Jean, had other plans. Jean is a little spitfire with bright curly hair and knowing eyes. She saw Bryan and instantly latched on to him like she recognized who he was. "Up... up!" She demanded as she reached out to him and strangled his neck. Within minutes, she was playing next to Sammy as she played in her playpen. Melody and Linda looking on as nervous mothers will. I was surrounded by the girls and Amy's other brother Ryan, who was smiling at his wife. "We're going to have to say something about that." Amy told her brother. "If he doesn't kill that bastard first." Ryan nodded as they watched Bryan look at Melody and glare at Randy. "I don't believe it. I think my brother is smitten." He laughed. "Yeah, but she isn't one of his weekend flings. Let's go." I was going to interfere, but Amy's mom and her partner stopped me. "They will take care of this." They held my hand as I watched nervously. "Hey Bryan, come here for sec." Amy called out "Yeah...." I could see Bryan was irritated. "What the hell are you playing at?" Amy asked as Elspeth and Peter came up to the scene. "If that asshole lays a finger on her I'll break him like a fucking twig." He bit out, trying to keep his voice down. "Hey Doofus, she's married, with children." Ryan was enjoying this. "Yeah, and so. She might be a widow pretty soon if he doesn't watch it." He glared at the object of his ire. "Melody isn't a spring fling. She's an all or nothing kind of girl. Hurt her, and I'll kick your ass myself." I was shocked. It was my sweet Elspeth who said that to the much bigger Bryan. "I know that. Look at her." They all saw his eyes go dreamy. "She needs.... I'll kill him if he hurts her or them kids. Jake is terrified of me just because I'm a man." Bryan was breathing hard trying to maintain his bearings. "About damn time someone did something about that piece of shit." Peter backed Bryan wholeheartedly. "We're leaving. Gather the stuff. I'll be in the car. My children will not be exposed to these kinds of people." Randy ordered. It took all of them to hold Bryan back. "But mom hasn't served dinner yet." Melody looked frightened and flinched when he moved his hand. "Either be in the car in five minutes or find someplace else to stay until I decide to come get you." He bent over and picked up her purse and started walking away. "I don't think so...!" Bryan was ready to kill. MidLife in Crisis: Joyce's Awakening "Randy! That is not yours, put it down." I had never heard the steel in Jeannette's voice before. "You are a guest in my home, start acting like it." Randy moved to confront Jeannette. "I wouldn't if I was you. There is a Gentleman over there who love nothing more than to teach you a well earned lesson. Remember, I am not afraid of you, I never have been. You are nothing but a piss-ant bully. My daughter and grandchildren are more than welcome to stay with me, but you need to leave." She held out her hand for Melody's purse. "You don't know who you're fucking with." Randy hissed, and then yelped. Bryan finally got free, or was let go, I didn't know or care which. He was already taking appropriate action. "No Fuck face, you don't know who you're messing with. Take a hike and never come back. I swear to God, if I ever see you, or hear of you hurting Melody or them kids again... you will not live to see another day." Randy tried to stare Bryan down, but Bryan just lifted his arm higher in the arm-lock. He almost dislocated it. "Oh, and that's Detective Patten to you asshole." "Bryan...! You have made you point, now let him go!" The diminutive Stella said sharply to her son. "Yes Ma'am." Bryan shoved him against the wall and grabbed the purse out of his lifeless hand. Without a backward glance, we walked over to Melody and kneeled down. "I think you misplaced this Ma'am." He smiled at her and umphed, as Jane jumped into his arms. "SAFE!" She called out and nuzzled into his neck. "Fine, you can have the fucking bitch. Take the brats too!" Randy said, rubbing his arm. Bryan gently took Jean off his neck. "Go to mommy for a minute sweetie. I have to go take out the garbage." He told Jean, and smiled. Melody saw the look and gasped as she held her daughter. Bryan stood up and turned as he took off his jacket. I could see his bright badge and the black clip that held a gun I didn't know he had. He took both off and handed them to his sister. He took one step toward Randy, and Randy knew he had something better to do somewhere very far away. Bryan kept walking until we heard Randy's car break traction and head down the road. Bryan picked up a bag of stuff and took it over to the trash bin. He smiled at Jean as he walked back, putting his badge and gun back in place. He kneeled down and clapped his hands once, calling the little girls attention. Jean laughed and ran at him full speed. She jumped at the last second and Bryan blunted the impact and rolled onto his back like she had knocked him over. "Safe... daddy safe!" She squealed and giggled as they played in the middle of the lawn. "Jake... mere play." She called out to her brother who was watching from behind his mother's leg. I could see he wanted to play. "Go on Jake, it will be alright." Melody said looking at Bryan with wonder and adoration. *********************************************** Really, the last entry: A lesbian in love: I wasn't going to do this, but I have been out voted. I have been told on many occasions that I needed to finish this. It is no longer for therapy, but for me. It was Jean who sealed the deal. She sat on my lap, looking at pictures and said. "Finish the story Grandma Joy-Joy so I can tell the baby." As she flipped the pages of her family's album. It has been over a year since that party. In that year, my family has grown by leaps and bounds. Not long after, we found out that Randy was under investigation for fraud and other crimes and misdemeanors. We've asked Bryan about it many times, but he claims no direct responsibility. I don't push too hard, since he has made Melody and the kids so very happy. Randy, true to his nature, ran to parts unknown when he found out law enforcement was looking into his dealings. Melody was granted a divorce in absentia, since he was nowhere they could find him in the Unites States. During the proceedings, they also had him declared an unfit parent. The judge looked at the extensive list of crimes he was wanted for, and agreed after the proper waiting period. Elspeth and Amy graduated. Amy is working as a RN and Elspeth is looking for a job as an administrator. They looked radiant in their matching bridesmaid outfits. We all get together as often as we can, even if Jeannette says we have to hire a cleaning crew after all the kids are here for the weekend. The biggest surprise, I guess, was Steven. He outed himself to me and Jeannette to make sure his companion Karl could come to the wedding. We asked the bride and she didn't mind one bit. Yes, the wedding. Who got married? Melody and Bryan of course; like you didn't see that one coming. Well actually Melody, Jake and Jean all became the family of one Detective Bryan Patten on the same day. I didn't know my daughter's brother was a local hero. Even the mayor got involved. Melody now had hundreds of people looking out for her and her growing family. As for my ex and oldest son, well they have disowned all of us and Richard has remarried. I wish them no ill will, but it looks like they are both traveling down the same path. As for Jeannette and I, we couldn't be happier. We keep ourselves busy. Well Jeannette says she stays busy just digging me out of the things I get involved in, like the battered woman's shelter and the kids of blended families group. We spoil our grandkids outrageously whenever we can and love each other like there will be no tomorrow. Elsbeth and I are putting together a class for non-traditional families and how they can find God's grace. Jeannette just looks at me and asks. "Darling, what have you gotten us into this time?"As she strokes my hair lovingly. My knees still get rubbery when she calls me that. Oh, for you who are interested in to know what happened in the Bernie, Ted, and Mary triangle. They still keep both houses, but the kids came to them one day and asked why, since they have been lovers for so long, that Bernie just didn't live with them again, like it was when they were little. So much for thinking that the kids didn't know. They are happy and that is all that really matters. We are still the best of friends. I finally had to admit that I was, and always have been, a lesbian by nature, as my daughter Amy calls it. I finally figured this out while Jeannette and I were at this art thing. It had a section of erotic art. She and I looked at all the pieces. She would point out a few. I noticed that the picture of a woman licking the thigh of another woman caught my interest. The one with a woman wrapped around a hunky naked man, did nothing for me. I realized that since childhood, I have always found a woman's body to be interesting and enticing. I remembered that I got engaged because it freed me from the unwanted attention of men and boys so I could spend more time with my girlfriends. Looking back over the last forty seven years, I have a few regrets, but nothing that I can't live with. I have found my place, and it is right beside my lovely Jeannette. There is nothing greater than finding her looking down at me with her soulful green eyes, as I wake up in her arms every morning. Sometimes, you might even find us holding hands as we take our evening walks around the neighborhood. Life truly couldn't be any better. God has blessed me in ways unforeseen. I am sorry if I cannot add more, but Grandma Joy-Joy needs some quality snuggle time with my granddaughter, the giggling, rambunctious, and ticklish; Jean. Goodbye, and have a God blessed life. Joyce Patterson-Hampton. Postscript: I want to thank all the people who have commented or left feedback. It means a great deal to me to hear what you, the reader thinks. Please take a scond and vote, or a minute and comment or leave feedback. Thanks again Myhands316