35 comments/ 63324 views/ 84 favorites A Chemical Moment By: Salish Author's note: Thanks for your support for my last two stories. This one is in the same vein, longer on story and character, so if you're looking for a quick fix, this might not be it. Please remember to vote if you like it, and even if you don't. ~~~ I've always been fascinated by that moment, the transition when one thing becomes something else. The moment the magic happens. Take baking soda. You know what happens when you mix it with vinegar, or any other acid - you wind up with water, a salt like sodium acetate, carbon dioxide bubbling out, and a little heat. We've known that for centuries, and we've been using it in cooking and industry for almost as long. But that's just the before and the after. What's really happening in the moment, in the intricate dance of atoms and electrons? Until a few decades ago, we didn't have any idea, and we still don't know some of the details. That's what I study, what I've made a career out of - finding out what's really going on in chemical reactions, at the level of individual atoms, using computer simulations and femtosecond laser pulses and all sorts of neat tricks. There are all kinds of other moments like that happening around us all the time, on various time scales. Carbon-14 decaying into Nitrogen; a stem cell differentiating into a neuron; a seed germinating; a tectonic fault shearing under stress; sperm fertilizing an egg. Those are almost as fascinating, but I need to focus, so I focus on chemistry. Life is really just a series of moments, too, if you think about it. We spend a lot of time just being, going with the flow, but most of the stuff that really matters happens in those brief moments: ideas and decisions; meeting someone new; moving away from home; losing family and friends; falling in love. Those I don't understand at all. I just try to recognize them when they happen, and to be grateful for the good ones. The fascination started early - when I was three or four, I'd stare at a pot of boiling water, much to my mother's horror, or get yelled at for opening the freezer door way too often to peek at ice cubes freezing in the tray. How does a liquid turn solid, or vanish into the air? I would ask my parents, but neither of them had much interest in science, so they couldn't really help after I was about five. My dad could and did teach me everything there was to know about cars, but that's all practical. Theoretical chemistry and physics were outside his skill set. They did take me to the Museum of Science, right on the Charles River, which was about my favorite place in the world. I probably bored them to tears, but they indulged me, even when my little brother cried in his stroller. They bought me a chemistry set for Christmas when I was nine, and I was hooked. So my trajectory was set, at least through college. I studied hard in school, got good grades and did very well on the SAT. I had a credible application to Harvard or MIT, which would have been amazing, but when I considered everything, including cost, UMass Amherst seemed like the best place for me to go. The academics were very good, and with in-state tuition and a few minor scholarships, I would be able to get out without mind-boggling student loans. I've always believed the most important thing in a college education is the effort you put into it yourself. Plus, it was about the right distance from home - not quite two hours when the roads are clear. Far enough to get away and be independent, but close enough to visit when I needed to. My first year was great, academically, apart from the dreaded freshman English that everybody has to take. I squeaked through with a pair of C's, the worst grades of my life. The highlight, of course, was Honors Chemistry. In the lab section, they gave each student a different recipe, using some known reagents and a few mystery ingredients. We had three weeks to follow the recipe, and then nine weeks to analyze the result to determine what we had made. It was the coolest possible way to teach a class of motivated chemistry geeks. Socially, though, things were not so good. I was always kind of awkward, and being away from my family for the first time was terribly lonely. I made friends fairly easily - mostly nerdy guys - but few of them were close. I had a couple of crushes in high school, but I was painfully shy, and I was always insecure about my looks, with my wispy blonde hair, glasses, skinny body and small boobs. So my crushes stayed crushes, admired from afar, and the boys never knew. Looking back, I probably could have had something more if I just asked. I suspect they were as scared of me as I was of them. College was the same as high school - I knew everybody in the dorm by name, and all they knew me, but I went to class alone and usually ate alone. I did play board games with a group of guys on Tuesday nights, mostly CS majors, and I watched the late comedy shows with the regular crowd in the lounge most nights. I had two roommates my freshman year, and we were cordial, but I didn't really connect with either one. Jamie was an English major with a swimsuit model body, gorgeous and outgoing and funny in all the ways I was not. She seemed a lot more interested in her social life than her schoolwork, and spent most of her time with boys. That made for a lot of quiet study time for me, but some social interaction would have been nice. She moved in with her friend Alice after a semester. My second roommate was Ellie, who was majoring in history or political science or something. She was bouncy and perky and friendly with everyone. She was around a little more, and sometimes I had lunch with her and some other people from the dorm on the weekends, but she disappeared after freshman year. I think she left school; I don't really know for sure. I would have been happy to find friends among my fellow chemistry majors, or other science students, but during that first year, I don't think there was a single student with whom I shared more than one class. ~~~ I went back to school my sophomore year after a summer of drudgery at a retail job, excited about my classes but with low social expectations. I was playing the roommate lottery yet again, and all I had was a name: Anne Griffin. It sounded vaguely familiar, like somebody from one of my classes, but I couldn't remember her, and since I went to college before everyone lived their lives entirely online, I couldn't look her up. My mood improved considerably when I walked into the room and saw her. I remembered her from calculus - we were both quiet little mice sitting in the back row - and I knew we were going to get along. She was pretty, with dark eyes, dark hair and a warm smile. Jamie and Ellie were both obvious, in different ways, instantly capturing the attention of any nearby male. Anne was subtle and elegant. I think she looked the way I wanted to look when I grew up. I got her attention by setting my crate full of books on the floor, and then introduced myself. "Hi. I'm Allison Kendall." She replied with a smile. "I know. You were the smartest girl in calculus class, even though you almost never opened your mouth." That was weird - I'm used to being the one who notices everyone else, not the one being noticed. But she seemed nice, and I was glad to have a roommate with whom I might have something in common. Most of the freshmen in calculus class are at least science or engineering majors. We got to know each other a bit that first afternoon, and found out we did indeed have much in common. She was a biology major, bound for med school. She knew what she wanted to do with her life from an early age, just like me, and her parents were bewildered but happy and supportive. She was also a little a lonely and isolated, like me, although she wasn't so painfully shy. None of her high school friends had come here for college, and her two close friends from last year had both dropped out. When we compared schedules, we found we were in the same organic chemistry and vector calculus classes. Anne was thrilled - OChem is probably the single most dangerous passage in a med student's educational journey, and she was more than a little scared of it. Chemistry was a means to an end for her, not a passion, but she was genuinely interested and she wanted to do well. Being able to study with me was a lifeline, and made her feel much better about the rest of her semester. We went for dinner together that evening, and Anne got a serious look on her face when we sat down. After hesitating nervously, screwing up her courage, she said, "Allison, I have to tell you something." That didn't sound good. Not knowing what was coming next, I just said, "Okay." I could see the stress in her face and her body, and I could hear it in her voice as she spoke. "At the end of last year, I got into a huge fight with my old roommate Dana. We were pretty good friends for most of the year, so I was really surprised and upset when she freaked out at me." She took a breath and continued. "A week before finals, I was hanging out with a friend around campus, and I kissed her. It was just a kiss, but it was a serious kiss, and we were in public. It got back to Dana somehow, and she called me a slut and a dyke and said it made her sick to sleep or change clothes in the same room with me. So I avoided her for the last few weeks of school, and slept on a friend's couch. I'm sorry to drop a bomb on you like that the after we've basically just met, but you deserve to know, and to have a chance to request a new roommate if it's going to be a problem. Neither one of us needs a surprise drama like I had last year. You don't have to decide right now, but you should tell the RA soon if you need to. I won't blame you if you do." My face felt hot, so I'm sure I was blushing, and I just blurted out the first thing to come into my head. "So you're a lesbian?" I knew I had said the wrong thing before I even finished saying it. I could tell by the look on her face I had upset her. But she had started the conversation, and she looked determined to finish it, even as she got more flustered. "I don't know. It was just a kiss! I think I want a boyfriend, and a husband someday. But I like girls. I can't help it. I'm not even twenty yet, and I'm still figuring stuff out." She looked like she was about to cry, and I knew I had to calm her down. "It's okay with me whatever you are. I was just surprised, that's all. I've never met a lesbian before, at least not that I know of. But my cousin Paul is gay, and he's the sweetest guy in the world. So we won't have any problems if you figure out you're gay. Or not. I already have a lot more in common with you than either of my previous roommates, and we're going to get along together just fine." I smiled at her, as warmly and encouragingly as I could, and a wave of relief flooded into her face. "Oh thank you, Allison. After getting blindsided like that, I was really nervous about getting a new roommate. Thank you for being so understanding." I replied with a mischievous smile, "Don't thank me yet. We still have to survive OChem." ~~~ Living with Anne was a big adjustment. It was mostly great, but it took some getting used to because we spent so much time together. Our morning classes started at the same time in the same part of campus four days a week, including OChem on Tuesday and Thursday, so we got up and moving at the same time, and walked to class together. We also had overlapping holes in our class schedule on Monday and Wednesday afternoons, which Anne spent at the fitness center. She didn't much like working out, but she did it religiously, and she shamed me into going with her. With a lot of research, she had designed a workout for maximum gain in minimal time. It was really tough, but it definitely got results. We met for lunch after morning classes every day except Wednesday, and we usually had dinner together whenever one of us didn't have something else going on (which for me wasn't very often). My food budget was pretty limited, so I tried to cook in the dorm kitchen whenever I had time. Anne also cooked when she could, mostly so she could eat a healthier diet than the stuff available on campus. A lot of it also tasted better, and my cooking improved just by being around her. We had both gotten through the freshman weed-out classes, so school got more interesting. It also got harder, and we had to spend a lot of time studying to keep on top of it. It could be a grind sometimes, when a bunch of assignments were all due the same week, but it was much more satisfying than my summer job. When I went to bed tired, I felt like I had accomplished something useful, not just stocking shelves for minimum wage plus fifty cents. Life was better socially as well. Once you're through the intro classes, it's a lot easier to find other people who share your major and your interests. OChem is a great bonding experience, for those who survive, and eight students from our section formed a study and discussion group that held together until graduation. I continued to play Tuesday night board games with the CS guys, and Anne often joined us. She didn't really like the sprawling strategy games that the guys sometimes played, but she loved most of the smaller, faster games, and she was wickedly competitive. Mostly, though, Anne and I did things together, just the two of us. We walked around town when the weather was hospitable (i.e. not actively raining or snowing at that moment), and we found a lot of interesting (and free) cultural events to go to - one of the great things about living in a college town. Anne also dragged me out shopping, which to me meant looking at clothes that I would never buy. Anne had a reasonable clothes budget, and she made sure to get the best out of it. I went along for company, and endured her teasing about my static, boring wardrobe. ~~~ All that togetherness made one thing particularly difficult for me - getting dressed. Around twelve or thirteen, all the girls in school started to develop, and I didn't. I was already on the young side for my year in school, and physically I was a late bloomer. I got really sensitive about my body, especially my small boobs, and I dreaded showering and changing in the locker room after PE and track at school. I managed by going home sweaty after practice when I could, and by finding a locker in a secluded corner and showering after most of the other girls were done when I had to. Sharing a room freshman year wasn't a big deal - Jamie often spent her nights elsewhere, and was never around during the day. Ellie was around a little more, but our morning schedules were usually different, and I took my clothes to the bathroom with me when she was in the room. But with Anne, we were pretty much always showering and getting dressed at the same time, twice a day when we worked out together. And Anne wasn't sensitive about her body at all. She'd come back from the bathroom wrapped in a towel, unwrap herself to dry her hair, and get dressed. She'd sometimes even have a conversation with me stark naked while looking for something to wear. It wasn't immodest; it just wasn't a thing for her. I think maybe doctors are a little different from the rest of us - they spend so much time around bodies that the mystery disappears. Anne wasn't a doctor yet, or even a med student, but she had already started to think like one. So I spent a lot of time, spread out over days and weeks, looking at Anne's naked body. I didn't go out of my way to look, but after the first week or so I didn't go out of my way to avert my eyes either. And I really admired what I saw. Anne was compact - four or five inches shorter than me, so maybe five five - and fairly thin. There was nothing exaggerated about her figure, except maybe her narrow waist; she just looked exactly the way a beautiful woman is supposed to look. A statue come to life. She was a perfect hourglass, with nicely rounded hips tapering to powerful, smooth legs. Her breasts were round and full, the focus of much of my jealousy. And thanks to that workout program of hers, she was fit and even muscular, but her skin was soft and smooth, and a uniformly deep, healthy tan. Coffee with lots of milk. I also noticed that she shaved most of her black pubic hair, leaving just a little strip. It looked really neat and tidy compared to my fuzzy light brown bush; I thought maybe I should do the same. That left me with a problem - I was still sensitive about changing in front of anyone, even Anne. After a very awkward week and a half of getting dressed in the bathroom every morning, which was not at all comfortable, I decided I was being silly and it was time to get over myself. So on Wednesday afternoon after working out, we both showered, like we had before, but this time, I just went back to the room in my towel. And when we got back to the room, I said, "Look, I know what you said about Dana and all, so I don't want to offend you, but I'm pretty insecure about my body. Just so you know why I'm being weird about changing in front of you." And then I took off my towel, dried my hair and got dressed. It felt really strange, but not bad. Anne didn't say anything at all, and I was grateful for that. After a few days, it didn't seem like such a big deal, and I started to wonder why I had fussed so much in the first place. With Anne's workout program, my body image even improved a little. One afternoon in early October, I caught my reflection the mirror, wearing just my underwear, and I wondered what had happened. I was still skinny, and my boobs too small, but I looked more like the popular, athletic girls I had so envied in high school than my old self. ~~~ One night over a spaghetti dinner we cooked together in the dorm kitchen, the subject of romance came up again, as it had often before. By now, I knew about most of the targets of Anne's affections, male and female (mostly female), and what she had done or not done about each one. Anne knew about my crushes, both in high school and here, and how that was all they ever were. Usually, she teased me a little about my timidity and left me alone. This time, though, Anne didn't let me evade the way I normally did. She asked me point blank, "What is your deal?" I didn't know what to say. I know she meant well, but I felt like she was picking on me. I answered sheepishly, looking down at the table. "Well, none of the guys I liked have ever been interested in me, or even noticed me." Anne got an exasperated look on her face, and I felt even more picked on. "They don't notice you because you go out of your way not to be noticed. Have you ever once gone up and talked to a guy you liked?" I tried to defend myself by saying, "I talk to guys all the time ...," hoping Anne would leave me alone. "Yeah, about chemistry or board games or other mundane stuff. Never about anything even approaching personal." Now I was hurt, and even a little mad. "I'm sure it's easy for you. You're so pretty that everybody pays attention to you. I see the looks you get. But nobody looks at me like that; nobody looks at me much at all. Can we talk about something else?" "I'm serious, Allison. I know how shy you are, and it can be really hard, but your life will be much better if you can find the courage to actually talk to a guy once in a while." As uncomfortable as the conversation was making me, I had to admit Anne had a point. "Fine. You're right. I know you're right. That doesn't make it any easier." Anne relented a bit, satisfied that she was getting through. "Just promise me you'll make an effort, okay?" "Okay." I thought we were done, but a few minutes later, Anne started in again. "You really need to stop fussing so much about your looks. Any guy worth knowing should be concerned with a lot more than just how you look. You're crazy smart, you're funny, and you're the sweetest person in the world. What guy wouldn't want that?" A Chemical Moment I had heard variations on that theme before, from my parents and high school friends and pretty much everyone else. I was the girl with the great personality. Wonderful. But the next thing she said caught me off guard. "Besides, you're very pretty, even if you don't think so." My parents said I was pretty too, of course. They had to; that was their job. But when Anne said it, I could tell she really believed it. I had always thought of myself as quite plain, not worth looking at. Anne, who was actually attracted to girls, obviously thought differently. I got a little flushed. I couldn't look at her as I asked, "You really think I'm pretty?" Anne replied with warmth and a little worry - I don't think she realized before that moment how unhappy I was with my appearance. "Of course I think you're pretty. When you smile, your whole face lights up, and I could get lost in those blue eyes." My heart was racing, and I'm sure I turned bright red. But hearing the certainty in Anne's voice almost made me believe it. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn't consider her reasons for saying it. ~~~ The next Sunday was my nineteenth birthday. I had planned to go home to Boston to spend it with my family, but the alternator in my car died on Thursday night. I called around and found a place that could get a cheap rebuilt unit that would work, but they wouldn't have it in until Monday. I was really grumpy on Friday when I told Anne about the whole thing. She responded with appropriate sympathy and told me she'd spend the day with me, and then she got a wicked gleam in her eye. I had no idea what she had planned, and I was annoyed and depressed enough not to care. When I woke up Sunday morning, Anne was already up. She greeted me with a teasing smile and said, "Happy Birthday, sleepyhead! We have a project for today." I wasn't sure I liked the sound of that. I was grumpy from just waking up, and Anne's excitement was sweet but a little annoying. I answered her with a skeptical look, and said, "I would ask what that project is, but I have a feeling you wouldn't tell me. I'm going to take a shower." Anne just grinned a big Cheshire cat grin and said, "Have fun." I stumbled down the hall to the bathroom in my nightshirt, with my towel over my shoulder and my bathroom kit in my hand. After a few minutes under the warm water, I felt a little more cheerful, and I decided whatever Anne had planned would be better than moping around feeling sorry for myself. I finished up in the bathroom and walked back to our room. Anne was sitting on her bed reading, waiting for me, and I saw a gift-wrapped box sitting on my bed. I had never thought of Anne as particularly bouncy, but right then she reminded me a little of my last roommate Ellie. She jumped up when I came in, with a big smile on her face, and waited for me to open her present. I didn't know what to expect - I really didn't expect anything at all - but she was so very excited about it, so I picked up the box and made an appropriately big deal of ripping open the wrapping paper. Inside the box was a dress made of soft blue cotton. When I pulled it out and held it up to myself, Anne almost jumped up and down with glee and asked, "Well ... are you going to try it on?" I don't wear dresses. Mom makes me go to Mass on Sundays when I'm home, and when I do, I wear a shapeless floral thing that I hate. Other than that, it's blue jeans, sweats or shorts with a tee shirt; or maybe a pair of khakis and a button down shirt when I have to look semi-nice. I've never liked spending money on clothes when nobody looks at me anyway. This was something altogether different. I was skeptical - I really doubted I had the kind of body to fill out a dress like that - but Anne's enthusiasm was infectious, and I actually wanted to see how it looked. So I quickly dried my hair, put on some underwear and slipped the dress on over my head. After a little squirming and pulling to get everything in place, I grabbed my glasses off the dresser and turned around to look in the mirror. I was stunned. I looked like an actual girl. Maybe even a pretty one. The dress fit perfectly, and did all the right things for my body. It was snug in the waist but loose in the skirt, accentuating my skinny hips and giving me a little bit of shape. The V-neck and the way the material gathered over the breasts made it look like I had a respectable chest. If I had known that the right clothes could make me look like this, maybe I would have paid more attention to shopping. Anne's grin got even bigger, and she said, "Turn around so I can see you from the front!" I did, and I felt very girly as the skirt twirled around my legs. After holding the pose for just a second, I grabbed Anne in a big hug and said, "Thank you, sweetie. I love it!" She hugged back with a warm smile and said, "You're welcome." I took a few minutes to brush out my hair and admire my new dress in the mirror, and Anne said to me, "I know you're on a tight budget this year, especially having to replace your alternator, but you really should spend a little money on yourself from time to time. Buy yourself a nice outfit or something once or twice a semester." I replied, "Only if you go shopping with me - I really have no idea how to find clothes that make me look good." Anne smiled again - she couldn't stop herself today - and said, "Deal. You come shopping with me anyway; we just need to pay more attention to you when we're out." And the wicked gleam in her eye from Friday came back as she said, "Now it's time for the second part of our project. I'm taking you to get your hair cut. We're going to see Don - he's the best haircut in town, and it's only fifteen bucks. That's more expensive than having your Mom cut your hair, but it's totally worth it." I was apprehensive, but after the dress, I was more than willing to give Anne the benefit of the doubt. I meekly said, "Okay." ~~~ We got into Anne's car and drove off campus, and my apprehension grew as we pulled into the parking lot. It was a tiny barber shop next to a pho place, and it looked a little scary. The two people waiting inside were both middle-aged Asian men. As we walked in, I asked Anne, "Are you sure about this?" Anne replied, "Relax. He does my hair, and it always turns out well. Don't let the place fool you." I wasn't really reassured, but Anne's hair always looks so good that I decided to just go with it. We sat down for a few minutes while Don finished up on a middle-aged woman, and then I was next. One of the two men left with the woman, and the other was apparently waiting for the other barber. I sat down in the chair, and Don said, "So you Anne's friend. She told me you need good haircut, so I give you good haircut." He looked at Anne and asked, "What we do today?" Anne replied, "She needs a cut that frames her face instead of hiding it. A lot shorter, but not too short." Don looked me over, nodded and said, "Right. Hair too long. Too heavy. I know how fix." I was apparently not to be consulted. He turned the chair away from the mirror and got started. I couldn't see what he was doing, especially without my glasses, which was probably a good thing. I could feel enough to know he was working quickly and efficiently, and I could see a blurry pile of wispy blonde hair piling up on the floor. After a good half hour of pulling and snipping and combing, he turned the chair around. I closed my eyes and put my glasses back on as he did, and my heart started racing. When I opened my eyes, I was stunned again, for the second time that day. The little wisps that I so hated turned into big, soft looping curls, surrounding my face in a blonde cloud. Anne was right again - my hair framed my face and worked with it, rather than getting in the way. I hoped this wasn't some sort of high maintenance hairstyle - I really wasn't up for an extra half an hour every morning, using curlers or putting some sort of goo in my hair. I asked Don, "What do I have to do to make my hair look like this tomorrow? I don't want to fuss over it or use hairspray or anything." Don replied, "You blow dry and brush. That all you need do. Your hair want curl like that - it just need right cut. Come back when it get long." I very happily gave Don his fifteen bucks. I would have tipped him five more for such an amazing haircut, but he insisted that the student price was fifteen, no tip. Anne took me to lunch next door at the pho place. Pho is a Vietnamese noodle soup, usually made with various kinds of beef. I'd never had it before, and it was delicious. After we finished, I said, "Thank you so much, sweetie, for lunch and for everything." Anne replied, "Happy Birthday and you're welcome. But we're not done yet, although we are done for today. The last thing we need to do is fix those glasses." I got my first pair of glasses in the second grade, and immediately hated them. The other kids called me four-eyes and made me feel like a freak. I'd mellowed since then, and found plenty of other body image issues to fuss about, but I was still a little sensitive. The glasses that came with me to college were big, blocky and ugly, and over two years old, but they brought the world into focus and let me function, so I lived with them. On any other day, I would have felt picked on. That day, after what Anne had done for me, I knew she only meant well. I said, "Well, I can't get by without them, and I really don't want to wear contacts, even if I could afford them." I could tell by the look on Anne's face that she was in problem solving mode. She thought for a minute and said, "You're still on your parents' insurance, right?" "Yeah - that's the only reason Mom keeps her office admin job. The pay is fairly sad, but the insurance is great." "Well, my parents' insurance allows an eye exam and a new pair of glasses every year. The ones you have now look well past that. You should be able to get a new pair and just pay for frames." "I suppose. But I can't afford fancy designer frames. That's why I have these." "We'll figure something out. There's a place just off campus that has a huge selection. There ought to be something nice that's fairly cheap." I was skeptical, but Anne had been right twice so far. I gave her the benefit of the doubt again and said, "Okay." ~~~ I called the eye place Monday before class and got an appointment Tuesday afternoon. The eye exam and the lenses were indeed covered by my parents' insurance. Anne met me after the exam, and we looked at a lot of different frames. We started with some of the expensive ones I could never afford, just for fun, but after a while, we went into the bargain section. Most of them were truly horrible - even worse than my old ones - but we found a pair that actually looked really good. I never would have even noticed them myself, but Anne had a good eye. They were medium-sized rectangles in a dark blue plastic, almost black. When I tried them, I didn't look like an owl anymore - I almost looked stylish. I picked up my new glasses on Thursday evening. Anne wanted to go out for dinner, so I wore my new dress. When I saw myself in the mirror, with the dress, the hair and the glasses, I thought I actually looked a little bit pretty. Maybe Anne really was right about me. Anne picked me up at the eye place and we went off campus to a cheap but yummy Chinese place. If I hadn't know better, it might have felt like a date. Over dinner, Anne brought up the subject of guys and dating again. She had a look of feigned innocence, but I could tell she wasn't going to let me off easily. "Now that you're all pretty, you have no excuse not to at least talk to one of your crushes." She continued with a teasing smile. "I know you like CS Dave. You should ask him out next Tuesday after board game night." I did indeed like CS Dave, but I wasn't going to ask him out. I grinned a little to myself because I had the perfect excuse, one that not even Anne could argue with. "CS Dave is going out with a guy named Mark. So I really don't think I'm his type." Anne sighed a little and replied, "Figures. There has to be somebody else you're interested in, though." "Not at the moment. That cute guy in OChem turned out to be kind of a jerk in lab last week after his experiment went bad - you remember. Pretty much killed my interest. But I promise I'll tell you when there is somebody, and you can tease me mercilessly until I do something about it." Anne held out her hand and said "deal" as we shook on it. ~~~ Heading into finals, school was going really well for both of us. I was looking at straight A's, as long as I did reasonably well on my finals. Anne had A's in everything except OChem, where she had a solid B+, and real chance at an A if she aced the final. So we both devoted a lot of our study time to drilling OChem. I really didn't want to embarrass myself in my chosen major, and I wanted to help Anne over the top to get an A. Sometime after midnight on Thursday, when we were both exhausted and not accomplishing anything useful anymore, I shut my book and looked over at Anne. She was staring intently at a diagram, going over it again and again, and she let out a big yawn. I could see the tension in her shoulders as they hiked their way up toward her ears. I walked over to her desk, closed the book in front of her and said, "You're done for the night. I'm going to give you a nice shoulder rub, and then we're going to sleep. You're not going to learn anymore tonight anyway." She looked at me, heaved a sigh of relief and replied, "You're probably right. Thanks for helping me study so much - I know you don't really need it, but I do." She got up, sat on the edge of my bed and tucked her hair to one side so I could reach her shoulders without pulling her hair. I sat down behind her and started in, but it didn't go well. She was wearing a bulky UMass sweatshirt, and the neckline was right where my hands needed to be. I said, "Shirt off, sweetie. I know it's cold in here - sorry - but I can't get at your shoulders through this sweatshirt." She pulled the sweatshirt over her head and set it on the bed next to her, and I resumed working on her shoulders. She wasn't wearing a bra, which wasn't unusual when we were hanging out in our room studying. I had long since gotten used to seeing her in various states of undress. After about ten minutes of squeezing and pushing and kneading, to which she responded with low sighs of contentment, she arched her back, stretched her arms above her head and said, "Thank you, Allison. That was really nice - just what I needed." And normally that would have been that - just another innocent shoulder rub before bed, like we had done for each other dozens of times. But that night was our moment. It happened completely by accident. Anne twisted her torso as far to the left as it would go in a big stretch, hands behind her head, and let out a happy sigh. Meanwhile, I let my left hand, which had been on her shoulder, fall to my knee. And the inside of my wrist, right where the pulse is, grazed the tip of her nipple, already hard from the cold. I heard a sharp intake of breath, and saw her body shudder, and in that moment, we weren't just roommates anymore. I knew the biology of what was happening in her body, and it filled my thoughts - pupils dilating; increased production of vasoactive intestinal peptide; heart rate and blood flow to the genitals increasing; genitals swelling, and nipples swelling further; vasocongestion causing extra moisture to leak into the vagina. Clinical and weird, I know, but that's just how my brain works. What I didn't know was what was happening in her head. Was she attracted to me? On a physical level at least, she obviously was. Was that why she was so nice to me? Was that why she got me to look pretty? Was that at least partly for her? And if so, why was she still pushing me to find a guy? It was all so confusing. She was my best friend, and in that moment, she became something else. We became something else. I just didn't know what. And then I started to figure out what was going on in my own body and head. I noticed that I was getting physically aroused too, just like she was. Hard nipples, from more than just the cold; wet between the legs. Really? How was that happening? I had admired her body since we moved in together, but never been excited by it. But now I clearly was, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Was I really attracted to her? Was I a lesbian? All of that went through my head in a flash, and then the moment was over, but that change it had brought was still there. Anne recovered her composure and tried to restore some normality. "We should, ah, get some sleep." Her voice startled me out of my thoughts. I blinked a couple of times and answered, "Yeah, we probably should." Anne got up, quietly changed into her nightshirt and climbed into bed. I did the same and reached over to turn off the lights. I think we both knew things had changed, but we weren't ready to deal with what that meant. Anne said, "Goodnight, Allison" after I turned off the light. Her voice was stiff and formal, and didn't do anything to cut the tension in the room. I replied, "Night, Anne. Sleep well." My voice wasn't much more natural. I don't think either of us slept well that night. ~~~ When we woke up the next morning, both still tired, life seemed almost normal. There was a ... thing between us, but there were also finals approaching, and those took precedence over pretty much everything. We ate together, and we kept up our workouts, but beyond that, all our time was dedicated to studying. The OChem study group met every afternoon, and we all drilled each other. OChem was the first final for both of us, and it was a huge relief to be done with it. I came out happy - the outcome had never really been in doubt, but it was still good to have it over. Anne was miserable, convinced she had tanked and would wind up with a C for the class. I was sure she had done well, and I tried to reassure her, but it was no use. We had to wait five days for the results. The rest of our finals were less stressful and mostly less eventful for both of us. I got stuck on a problem in vector calculus, and I felt like an idiot while I sat there staring at it, but figured it out with just enough time to finish. Anne coasted through everything else with ease. When the OChem results did come out, I was on pins and needles as Anne checked her grade. She got a big smile on her face, and told me she had squeaked out an A for the course. I gave her a big hug, and that night I took her to the Chinese place for dinner to celebrate, wearing the blue dress she bought me for my birthday. Nothing was said, but it felt even more like a date than the last time we were there. ~~~ I went home to Boston for the holidays the Friday of finals week, the day after my last exam. My parents had already heard the good news about my straight-A report card, and they wanted to make a big deal out of it. We met for dinner at my favorite place in the city - their lasagna is just about the tastiest thing in the world. I drove the two hours from Amherst in sweats, but I wanted to surprise the family with my new look, so I went into the ladies room and changed into my new dress before they showed up. My little brother Alex walked in first, and he obviously didn't recognize me immediately. I think he actually started checking me out (he is a teenage boy, after all), but then he got a startled, goofy look on his face. He's a great big bear of a kid, over six feet and still growing, but it doesn't matter; he's still my little brother. My parents were right behind him, and both were surprised as well. Alex wrapped me in a big hug, and then said, "Damn, sis, you look great!" A Chemical Moment The 'damn' got him a quick, disapproving look from Mom, which he pointedly ignored. Dad just smiled warmly and gave me a hug, and then Mom hugged me as well, saying "You do look very nice, dear." I'm not sure she entirely approved of the look - she was the one who used to cut my hair, and who bought that hideous dress I have to wear to Mass - but I think she was happy to see me in something other than blue jeans. I replied in a happy, sunny voice "Thanks, Mom. The dress was a birthday present from my roommate Anne. She also helped me find the guy who cut my hair, and pick out my new glasses." Dad said, "I'm glad you've found yourself a friend, mija." In the part of town where we live, even the gringos can't help but pick up a little Spanish. He's been calling me 'mija' since I was little. Dinner was great, as always. It was nice to be home. After dinner, though, I realized it would be almost two weeks before I would be back at school, which seemed like an eternity to me with this big, unresolved thing going on between me and Anne. She was in Boston with her family for the holiday too, and I thought about calling her, but decided that would be much too weird. And to make matters worse, there was nobody I could talk to about it. I certainly wasn't going to tell my parents. The one person in whom I would normally confide such things was Anne. Fortunately, some relief arrived, or at least distraction. The weather was actually nice, which meant everybody with any kind of car trouble wanted it fixed before the next snowstorm. Alberto, who owns the garage where my Dad works, called Dad into work the Saturday after I got home, and Dad asked if I wanted to come along and help out. I love going to the garage - it's hard work, but I've always liked messing around with mechanical things and getting my hands dirty. It's almost as much fun as chemistry. I can do oil changes and routine maintenance by myself, and sometimes they even let me help out on the more complicated stuff. Plus, Alberto pays me a pretty decent rate, much better than my stupid summer job at the big box store. The work isn't regular enough to count on, but it's really nice when it's there. Between working at the garage most days, all the holiday family stuff, and a little reading for the next semester's classes, I kept my mind pretty well occupied for most of the break. The only time I thought much about Anne, and what was going to happen when we got back to school, was at night after I went to bed. I had disturbingly specific erotic dreams, which were an entirely new experience for me. I had to share my room for part of Christmas week with my cousin Siobhan, so I couldn't even get myself off for relief. I just hope she didn't hear me talking, or worse, in my sleep. By the end of the holiday break, I was wound up tight as could be and very ready to go back to school. ~~~ I was lounging on my bed reading when Anne arrived after the break. I made a point of wearing my new outfit - I wanted Anne to see it. I had used a little of my earnings at the garage to go shopping at a second hand clothing store, and I managed to find a long flowing skirt and a peasant blouse that looked reasonably good. I thought so anyway. Anne was duly impressed. I got up to show off my new clothes, and then she gave me a big hug and said, "Well, look at you! You look really nice." I beamed at her approval and said, "Thanks. I was hoping you would like it." We caught each other up on the holidays as Anne unpacked, and then talked a little about the upcoming semester. We had planned our schedules to have more classes together, including the second half of OChem and a comparative religion class that fulfilled one of the elective track requirements. The moment we had before finals was still there, in the background, but it wasn't awkward like it had been that night. Anne didn't seem interested in bringing it up. I don't think she knew that I had responded to the moment like she had. Maybe she was embarrassed or ashamed at letting me see her get turned on. Maybe she was afraid I'd be upset about how she felt about me. There's a big difference between just knowing your roommate is a lesbian and having her actually interested in you, as I was discovering. I don't really know what her motivation was, but I could tell she just wanted to pretend it never happened. But I couldn't do that. Anne had affected me in that moment in a way that I had never experienced before, and I had to find out where it was going to go. I just had no idea how to do that. I was shy enough that I had never seriously talked to a boy I liked. How in the world was I going to talk to a girl I liked, even if that girl was Anne? It was going to take more courage than I thought I had in me, but I had to find a way to do it. ~~~ A few nights later, we had spaghetti and a salad for dinner, like we do about three times a week. If you make your own sauce, it's cheap, it's healthy and it's pretty tasty. I had tried to work out how to tell Anne how I felt about her a few times, but I always got flustered and chickened out. That night, over our spaghetti dinner, I finally found a way. It was a conversation we had had before, one she usually started. This time would just end a little differently. I said, "You know how you keep pushing me to get up the courage to talk to somebody I like? Well, I've decided you're right. I'm going to do it." Anne looked excited when I brought up the subject. She asked, "Who is it? I saw you looking at that Chinese guy in OChem on the first day of class. He's cute, and those cheekbones..." Her voice drifted off into a dreamy sigh. Anne never had much interest in dating guys, as much as she tried, but she could recognize handsome. I played along. "Nope. He is cute, but it'll take a few more classes before I decided if he's interesting." Anne tried again. "How about Vijay? I think he likes you." I frowned - I felt a little bad about Vijay. "Yeah, I think he likes me too, and he's sweet, but he just doesn't do it for me. He's cute and all, but he looks more like a little lost puppy than a man." Anne was enjoying the guessing game. She thought a minute and guessed again, this time with some sarcasm in her voice. "I hear CS Dave broke up with his boyfriend. Gonna try to see if he's a switch hitter?" I was having fun too. "Wrong again. He's nice, but still very definitely gay." Anne got a silly grin on her face with her next guess. "What about Jim?" She caught me off guard with that, and I blushed a little - Jim was our OChem TA, and I had admitted to Anne last semester that I thought he was hot. "Wow - somebody has a very naughty mind! Good guess, except for the fact that dating the teacher is a spectacularly bad idea." Anne giggled at my discomfort, and then breathed an exaggerated sigh. "Fine! I give up. Who is it?" I kept my tone light as I answered. "Well, it is somebody from OChem. Very smart, good student and super cute..." Anne looked at me with amused exasperation as I dragged out the pause, keeping her waiting. My heart was in my throat when I finished. "... She's also my best friend, and the most wonderful person in the world." Anne's face went white. I'd seen her flustered and upset before, but nothing like this. She started to speak, pausing a few times before anything came out. "Allison, sweetie, you don't have to . . . you shouldn't . . . I mean I'm not really . . . Fuck! I don't know!" It was funny - I expected to be the terrified one in this conversation, with Anne as calm and collected as she was about almost everything else. But I was the calm one, and I knew what I had to do. I took her hand and said, "Sweetie, it's okay. I'm not saying anything because I have to. I'm saying it because I want to. Because I want you. I felt something I've never felt before in that moment before finals, and I have to find out what it means. I want you to be happy, and I won't push you, but I know you felt it too. I heard that gasp you made." She looked about to cry, but she pulled herself together enough to respond. "Okay! Yes! I like to play around with girls. But it's never anything serious. It's just fun. I'll get over it after college. You like guys, and you should keep liking guys. You're really important to me, and I don't want to fuck up your life by playing around with you and confusing you." My answer was a little harsh - a firm verbal slap. "You let me worry about me and what I want. I'm not at all confused. I care about you, and I think you care about me, so nothing we do with each other could ever fuck up my life, or yours. I want to see what could happen with us. Now you need to decide what you want." I don't know exactly what I expected - some perfect romantic moment where I confess my love and she responds with dewy-eyed adoration? This was definitely not that. I got up from the table and gathered the dishes. Anne sat there for a moment, looking dazed, and then picked up the rest of the stuff from the table. I started towards the kitchen and she followed me, looking like a puppy whose master had scolded it. I washed the dishes in silence, waiting for Anne to figure out what she wanted to say. She dried everything and put the common stuff away, and I put our dishes in our assigned cabinet. After we finished cleaning up, Anne took my hand as we walked back to our room. I don't know whether she did it out of affection or contrition or both. Back in the room, with the door closed, Anne said, "Look, Allison, I don't know what I want. I never know what I want. I think I know what I should want, but then I see a pretty girl and my head just goes fuzzy. And you - you're the prettiest girl of them all, at least to me. Last year, before we even met, when you worked out that problem on the board in calculus after those three guys all tried and failed - I thought you were the sexiest thing alive, even hiding behind your hair and glasses. And then when I saw your name as my new roommate, my heart did a little flip. You're sweet and smart and wonderful, and now you're my best friend. I don't want anything to mess that up. Dana yelling at me last year was bad enough; I couldn't bear it if you hated me too." Her face was filled with fear and longing, and she looked so fragile standing there that I worried she would break apart. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close, and I spoke softly into her ear. "Sweetie, it's okay. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. You're my best friend too, and nothing is going to mess that up. No matter what happens, I will never hate you." I kissed the top of her head and released her, taking her left hand in my right. She wiped a few tears away with her free hand and looked at me, face to face. I wanted to kiss her right then, passionately on the lips, and it took all the discipline I had not to, but I couldn't. She would kiss me when she was ready, and all I could do was reassure her and hope and wait. I saw the two sides battling across her face, one wanting to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss her, but the other side won, and the moment passed. She let go of my hand and asked, "Ready for the exam tomorrow? I know all the material pretty well, but I don't think I'll ever really understand Hinduism. Maybe Buddhism will be better." I shook my head and answered, "Probably not. I don't think it's Hinduism - I think it's religion. I don't understand any of it either, even Christianity. I sometimes envy those who do." Anne pulled out her textbook and said, "Well, you don't have to really understand it for the exam. Just remember the principles and history from the book. I'm going to study for a while and then head out to the lounge for TV." I sat down at my desk and replied, "Yeah, me too." ~~~ A few snowy weeks went by, packed with exams. I felt better about life than I had since I started to notice boys - for once I knew exactly who I wanted, and I knew she wanted me. She would come around, eventually, and I was happy to give her time. Sometimes I could see Anne struggling with herself, trying to figure out what to do about me. But most of the time, we were just roommates and friends. I did notice a few changes, though. Anne lost, or gave up, any romantic interest in anyone else, for which I was grateful. And she suddenly got a little shy about her body - she still changed in front of me, but she made sure to always have her clothes and underwear ready before taking off her towel. I thought it was cute, and I made sure to be respectful of her discomfort - she had done the same for me. Things changed for the better on a Wednesday night. We were in the middle of an experiment that had some fairly long reaction times, so our whole lab section was in the ISB building late into the evening. It's always ten degrees warmer in the undergrad lab than the rest of the building, so we were all sweaty. On top of the sweat, the weird odors of the chem lab sink into your clothes and never really come out; I had one pair of sweats and a few sacrificial tee shirts that I only wore to the lab. Anne and I were the first to get to the crucial step, and everyone assembled around us to watch. It was a bit nerve-wracking, really. When the canary yellow solid finally started precipitating out of the solution, just like it was supposed to, the whole room cheered. We high-fived each other, and then waited around for some of the other students to finish, with varying degrees of success. Anne gave me a big hug as we headed out into the night, and held my hand as we went back to the dorm together. It was the first time I had felt simple, unalloyed affection from her since that dinner, and the feeling of it kept me warm on the cold walk. When we got back to the room, I immediately started to strip off my lab clothes - I really needed a shower. We both did, but Anne had other priorities. She sat down on my bed, grabbed my hand and pulled me over to her. I sat down, wearing just my bra, panties and socks, wondering what was up. Anne said, "Tonight was awesome - I don't know how I would have managed without you as my lab partner. And my friend." I replied, honestly, "You're the hardest working student in the class - you would do just fine in lab with any partner." Trying to keep things light, I added "Except maybe Curtis - that guy can screw anything up. It's really kind of amazing." Anne giggled a little, and then continued "Still, thank you." And then she leaned over, without any warning, and kissed me. It wasn't passionate, just sweet and soft, and perfectly wonderful. I had no basis for comparison, but if this was what kissing was about, I was all for it. It seemed to go on for a long time, but it also felt much too short. After we parted, Anne smiled and said, "We really need to go take a shower. You smell terrible, and I smell worse." I didn't argue. Anne slipped out of her clothes and underwear, shyness apparently gone, and rummaged through her drawers for her shower stuff. I admired her body until she was ready. We walked down the hall together to the bathroom, hung up our towels outside adjacent shower stalls and stepped in. The warm water was heavenly after a long, hard day and a cold walk. When we got back to the room, we both changed into our nightshirts. It wasn't even midnight yet, and neither one of us had eaten since lunch, but we were both exhausted. I crawled gratefully into my bed, hair still damp, but Anne stood for a while in the middle of the room, looking indecisive. After a minute or two, she turned off the light, and then she surprised me for the second time in an hour. Instead of climbing into her own bed, she walked over to mine, sat down on the edge, and asked, "Can I . . .?" I lifted the comforter to let her in, and she spooned her back into me. It was ... cozy. I really don't know how the guys ever get anyone else into their dorm beds, or even the bigger girls. But Anne fit perfectly, and her soft, warm body made my little dorm bed the best place in the world. After snuggling into just the right position, she said, "Goodnight, Allison." It was the same thing she said that night, just before finals, when we had our moment, but her voice couldn't have been more different. This time, it was filled with affection and contentment, and she seemed quite ready to drift off to sleep. I replied, "Night, Anne. Sleep well." I don't even know if she heard me. After a few moments listening to her breathe, I was asleep as well. ~~~ The weeks between that night and spring break were like a dream, the kind you don't want to wake up from. The landscape went from white back to green, gradually at first and then suddenly, in an afternoon. People poured outside in their free time, eager to see the sun again. Clothing layers disappeared, and Frisbees and soccer balls reappeared on the athletic fields. It was still cold, but New Englanders are a pretty hardy bunch. The campus preachers resumed their shouting, which made for some very surreal walks between classes. They preach from pretty much the same bible I hear at Mass, but Mass doesn't sound anything like that. And most important to the people in my dorm, Unicycle Guy was back out on the streets. For the past three years, Unicycle Guy had marked the unofficial start of spring, and he got cheers from everyone in the dorm on his first day out. After the first set of exams, the workload eased off a bit, and then gradually ramped back up before another set of exams, right after the break. On the plus side, it meant a week to study. On the minus side, it also meant a week to study. What can you do? Life with Anne was simple and wonderful. We held hands and kissed and nuzzled at any opportunity, but it didn't go any further. We slept together every night, pushing our beds together and rearranging our dorm room for comfort. At night, our hands made their way into each other's nightshirts, but our panties stayed on. That was fine with me - I was in no hurry for sex. I wanted to wait for the right time. I didn't know what that really meant, but I figured I would understand when the moment came. I don't know what Anne wanted, but she certainly didn't push. The one minor disagreement we had was, in retrospect, about me being a little silly. After just a few weeks with Anne, I threw myself completely into my new identity as a lesbian. When I take up a new interest, I tend to go a little overboard, whether it's working on cars with my Dad, running track in high school or science pretty much all the time. This wasn't any different - it was something new, and I had to know everything about it. I wanted to get involved in the LGBT student organization somehow, but Anne really didn't. "Calm down, Allison," she said. "Give yourself some time to figure things out. Life is a lot more complicated than you make it out to be." She was right. She was always right about me. She did eventually humor me and come to a meeting, where we both sat in the back, just like class. We met some very nice people, but that was about all we got out of it. I discovered that being gay was both simpler and much more complicated than I thought. Simpler because there were no mechanics to it, no secret handshake or anything. All I had to do was be in love with Anne, which was easy. More complicated because, well, because of just about everything. ~~~ Spring break came much too soon. It seemed like everyone else on campus couldn't wait to get away, but for me it just meant a week without Anne. I forced myself to look on the bright side - I did miss my family, and I'd get to spend some time with them. Anne rode with me on the trip back, splitting gas money. I dropped her off at a nice house in a nice section of Arlington, one of the northern suburbs. My old clunker really stood out among all the new, fancy cars. I'd never really thought about the differences in our backgrounds before, and I was glad Anne wouldn't be driving through the neighborhood in South Boston where I lived. I've never been ashamed of where I'm from, and Anne wasn't the type of person who would look down on anyone, but she didn't need it rubbed in her face. A Chemical Moment The week at home was nice. I spent one day at the garage with Dad, and I studied a little bit every day, but mostly I just goofed off. Much more would drive me crazy, but a week of doing nothing from time to time can be great. I talked to Anne every evening, taking the phone into my room and shutting the door. The Saturday before I went back to school, Mom made meatloaf for dinner. It was Alex's favorite, and he needed to eat a lot of it to keep his giant teenage body going. I really liked it too, especially after months of pasta on a stretched food budget. I set the table, Alex poured out water for everyone and we sat down to dinner. Mom started the dinner conversation by asking about Alex's new girlfriend Debbie. That lasted about ten minutes, with Alex getting more and more embarrassed. After that, Dad turned to me and asked, "So, mija, is there anyone special in your life?" I had a mouthful of mashed potatoes, for which I was grateful. Eating gave me time to go through the options in my head. One: change the subject. Two: say no. Three: say yes, but evade the follow-up question of who exactly it was. Four: tell the truth. I considered option one - not technically a lie - but I decided that anything less than the whole truth would be deceiving my family, something I couldn't do. They'd find out eventually anyway. "There is. I've been dating somebody for a few weeks. Smart, funny, cute and really sweet. It's my roommate Anne - you all met her over Parents' Weekend." I stared at my plate as I spoke, my face getting hot. I was afraid of how they would react, especially Mom, but I had to know, so I looked up. Alex looked like he'd been smacked in the head, but then his face shifted into his normal goofy grin. Dad was just as shocked as Alex, but he turned thoughtful after a while. He didn't look mad, which was a great relief. Mom's reaction was the one I worried about - she was the one who made sure we went to Mass every weekend, and I'm very aware of what the Catholic Church thinks about people like me. I looked at her face and I saw ... nothing. There was no reaction at all. It was as if she had pushed a big red reset button and gone back in time two minutes, before the conversation started. Alex was the first to recover, and broke the awkward silence. "Way to go, sis! She's totally hot!" Okay, that was a little creepy and weird. My little brother was drooling over my girlfriend. Older brothers may be used to it, but I certainly wasn't. I suppose I was at least glad he approved. Alex's comment got a reaction from Mom. It was the briefest of looks, but it told everyone at the table that the subject was not to be mentioned again. Ever. Alex got a sheepish look on his face and averted his eyes. After the look, Mom's expression shifted back to neutral, and she said, "So, Allison, are you ready for your exams next week?" "I still have some reading to do - Daoism, mostly, for comparative religion - but I'm in pretty good shape." I was just happy to be talking about something else. I'd been on the receiving end of that look once or twice before, and it's the most uncomfortable thing in the world. Later that night, after Mom had gone to bed, I sat down in the living room to study. About half an hour later, Dad came in and sat down on the couch next to me. He put his arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head, and said, "Don't worry about your mother, mija. You know how much the Church means to her, but you're still her daughter and she still loves you. It's just going to take some time before she can accept . . . what you said tonight. We're both very proud of you, you know." "Thanks, Daddy. I know Mom thinks it's wrong and sinful, but I can't lie about who I am. I was hoping at least you would understand." "I don't, really. I'd be happier if you were dating a boy. But you need to do what's right for you, and I'll support you, whatever that is. I think it'll be a little easier after we get to know Anne." He gave me a little hug and said, "I'm going to bed. Turn off the lights when you come up." "Night, Daddy. I love you." "I love you too, mija." ~~~ Anne knew something was up as soon as she got into the car. She stayed quiet until we were through the worst of the traffic, but when it eased up outside Waltham she put her hand on my shoulder and asked, "Family troubles?" "Yeah. I guess I kind of came out to my parents last night. Dad was okay - not happy, but okay. Mom, though, she didn't take it well at all. She wouldn't even acknowledge what I said. Just changed the subject and asked me about school." "I'm sorry, sweetie. Are you okay?" "Well, you know. They didn't yell at me or kick me out, so that's good, I guess. I think Mom will come around eventually. I hope so, anyway." Anne kissed my hand, and then draped her arm over my shoulders for a while. She always knew how to make me feel better. Twenty miles later, I said, "My little brother thinks you're totally hot, by the way." She laughed and leaned over to give me a peck on the cheek, and the rest of the drive went by in a happy blur. ~~~ The first week back felt more like two, with late nights reviewing for exams and another difficult experiment in the chem lab. This one was shorter, but every single team had something go bad on the first try. I don't even know what we did wrong, but our solution turned cloudy and smelled terrible. We must have contaminated it with something, but I never did figure out what it was. Friday night we both crashed before midnight, and we didn't wake up until close to noon. A good night's sleep is a wonderful thing, especially sharing a bed with somebody you love. After all the exams, we had minimal homework over the weekend, so we could do pretty much whatever we wanted. Anne insisted on working out - we had gotten behind for the week - and I convinced her to go to a second run movie afterwards, a fun but utterly forgettable comedy. Thanks to my day at the garage, I had enough money for a couple of semi-nice dinners out, so we went to a pub near campus after the movie. Walking back to the dorm, holding hands, with the sky full of stars, it felt like the most perfect night of my life. I decided to do what I had been wanting to do for weeks. Sometimes the big moments just happen; sometimes you need to help them along. I stopped on the foot path where we were walking, next to a stand of maple, took Anne's other hand in mine, and for the first time to anyone but family, I said, "I love you." Well, I tried to, anyway. Anne leaned in and kissed me before I could get a word out. And it wasn't a soft, sweet kiss, like I was used to with her. This time it was full of passion, wild and almost out of control. I felt her tongue in my mouth, and my heart started racing. She made this little sound as we kissed, a whimper full of happiness and desire, and her arms pulled me in tight. I kissed her back, the best I knew how, and the world around us disappeared. A gust of wind and rustling leaves brought us back into the world, and we started to walk back to the dorm. Just before we went in the front door, Anne whispered in my ear "Take me to bed, Allison." ~~~ When we got to our room, there was a moment of awkward tension as it dawned on both of us what we were actually going to do. "Are you sure you're ready for this?" I asked. "Are you sure this is what you really want?" "I want you. I'm not sure I'm ready, and I'm a little scared, but I'll get over it." She answered. "And you? Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure," I said, bluffing a little. I felt like a little bird fluffing its feathers to look bigger. It wasn't working. "I'm scared too, more than a little," I said. "I'm a virgin - I've never even kissed anyone besides you - but more than anything in the world, I want my first time to be tonight, right here, with you." Anne reached up to stroke my cheek and said, "I want that too, sweetie. I want to make it special for you." I took her in my arms and kissed her. Her head may not have been sure she was ready, but when she kissed back, I could tell that her heart and her body were. My own heart beat faster as she pressed against me, and the nervous little knot of butterflies in my stomach became a great cloud. I felt dizzy and almost sick, but I certainly didn't want to stop. After what seemed like a very long time, Anne let go of me, backed away and started undressing. Her shirt came of first, button by button, followed by her lacy black bra. I was paralyzed, unable to do anything but stare. She paused after the bra, breaking the spell, waiting for me to do the same. I obliged, pulling my sweatshirt over my head and taking off my bra. My blue jeans came next, followed by my panties. After that, Anne's eyes got big and her mouth gaped open. I'd like to think it was my incredibly sexy performance stripping for her that shocked her so, but I actually felt rather awkward. Gracefully taking your clothes off in front of somebody, especially somebody who's really paying attention. . . It's not easy if you don't have much practice, and I had none at all. I don't know whether it was just dumb luck or whether my subconscious knew something I didn't, but I had shaved my pubic hair that afternoon for the very first time. After we worked out together in the afternoon, Anne had to run over to a friend's dorm to pick up some course material that she had lent out, so I took a little extra time in the shower. All that was left of my bush when I was done was a little strip, just like Anne's. It felt a little sexy while I was doing it, but it was mostly just weird. It was sensitive and distracting on and off for the rest of the day, and a little itchy. But right then, standing naked in front of Anne, with no fuzz to conceal anything, I felt very ... exposed. It's not that I didn't want her to see me; I just felt incredibly vulnerable. I was sharing my body with somebody else for the first time, and the heightened awareness of my newly exposed skin made it that much more intimate. Anne recovered from her shock and kissed me again, and then held me and whispered in my ear. "Wow! You sure know how to surprise a girl. It looks really good." I was happy she approved, but I was standing there naked, and she still had clothes on. That didn't seem at all fair. So I reached back to unzip her skirt, hooked my thumbs into her waistband and pulled both skirt and panties slowly to the floor, kissing my way down her body, from the hollow of her neck to the bone at her hip. I made my way back up by a different route, kissing her in all sorts of sensitive spots, ending with a kiss on each closed eyelid. She trembled slightly at each unexpected touch of my lips, and made little happy noises. I held her in my arms and kissed her again on the lips, and then on her neck and her ear, while she wrapper her arms around the small of my back and nuzzled in close. We slowly made our way to the bed, still wrapped up in each others' arms. When we got there, Anne sat down on the edge and laid back, pulling me down on top of her. I kept kissing, but now I had her whole body to explore. Anne stretched her arms wide and grabbed fistfuls of the comforter, content to let me do whatever I was going to do. I really had no clue what that was - I didn't even know what made me feel good in bed, let alone her - but somehow the nerves melted away. I guess I just figured that my body would know what to do. And if I did something wrong, Anne would tell me. She had always been a woman who knew what she wanted, outside a few very important areas, and she wasn't shy about telling other people when they needed to know. I loved her whole body, from her lustrous hair to her cute painted toenails, but I was particularly interested in her breasts. They were so round and perfect and ... not mine. I figured if I couldn't have breasts like Anne's, I could at least play with hers. When my lips met her nipple, the noises she was making went from light, happy sighs and giggles to deep moans and whimpers. I licked and sucked and even gently nibbled. Anne arched her back and squirmed, but stayed right where she was. Her breasts really were amazing, and not just because I was jealous of them. I could have continued to tease Anne like that for a long time, but eventually need takes over, and Anne needed me between her legs. She let go of the comforter and put her hands on my shoulders, pushing my away, toward the edge of the bed. Toward the juncture between her legs. She said, "Sweetie, please. I need . . ." I knew what she needed, and I adjusted my position to meet that need. My mouth was between her legs before she could finish speaking, and my tongue cut her off completely. The only sound she could make after that was "mmmmmmmmm". I didn't know what to expect from her scent or her taste before I was immersed in them, other than a little sour (low pH, to counteract the high pH of semen. Yes, science is always popping into my head, even during sex). The taste was indeed a little sour, but otherwise neutral. The scent, thought, was amazing. It was subtle, but it drove me crazy. Breathing it in deep brought desires into my mind I didn't even know I had. I suspect some of them aren't even physically possible. My tongue moved around her pussy indiscriminately, with a sense of need but no sense of direction, like a blind man without a guide dog or even a cane. I finally found her clit - I do have some knowledge of the female anatomy - and the "mmmmmmmmmm" turned into "aaaaahhhh!!" I settled into a rhythm, alternating light, soft flicks with firm, slow licks, and I felt that wonderful connection that happens when sex and love come together. Her body was overflowing with pleasure, and I could feel it spilling out of her as I gave her more. I felt the tension building up, but the release surprised me, in both timing and intensity. I didn't know the human body could shudder like that. Anne gasped and then cried out as she came, and then her whole body relaxed and went still. I snuggled in beside her, proud of myself, but I needed her to make love to me. Badly. Still a virgin at nineteen, I had a lot of desire built up. Anne kissed me gently, and then saw the need in my eyes. Foreplay was not an option. Her mouth was between my legs before I even knew that she had moved, and the sensation was amazing. The first time you feel the soft warmth of a tongue probing around and then inside you is unforgettable. I was so happy I was with a girl for my first time - I suspect most straight girls get some perfunctory foreplay, then a minute or two of thrusting, and are left profoundly unsatisfied. Anne, though, was focused only on me. Her tongue and her mouth drove me wild, and when she found my clit, my whole body tensed up. Time kind of stopped for me, but it was probably only a few seconds before I came. The wave that washed over me was nothing like what happened at home in my bedroom by myself. The physical sensation was a whole different level of intense, and the intimacy of sharing that moment with the woman I loved made me cry. I had to wipe away the tears as Anne cuddled up next to me, and I sniffled a little when she kissed my forehead. "What's wrong, sweetie?" "Thank you so much, Anne. You were absolutely perfect. It was everything a girl could ask for." She smiled at me and said, "I just wanted to make you happy." I let out a big sigh of contentment and sank back into the bed. Anne put her arm over me, lovingly and almost protectively, kissed me on the cheek and held me. ~~~ As we lay together afterward, with the comforter tangled up in our legs, I wanted to do what I had tried to do on the walk home - tell her I loved her. I rolled onto my side so I could look her directly in the face and kissed her on the forehead. We nuzzled together for a little bit, foreheads gently touching, eyes closed, and I breathed in her scent. She always smelled good, even glistening with sweat after exercise. I drew back a little so my eyes could focus and said, "Anne, I ..." She got the briefest look of panic on her face, and kissed me before I could finish. The first time could have been a coincidence, but the second time felt deliberate. The third time would tell me for sure. After a long, slow, deep, wet kiss, I looked her straight in the eye, again, and said, "Anne, I . . ." I paused to give her an out, and she took it. She put a finger to my lips and said, "ssshhhhh," and then kissed my nose and held me close. A little hurt, I asked her, "Why won't you let me say it?" "Saying it out loud makes it real. Can't we just be together? Without complicating everything?" Her voice had an edge of fear to it that I couldn't ignore. "I'd say what we just did was pretty real," I said a little tartly, "but if saying it out loud is too much for you, I'll try not to." I couldn't resist adding, "I can't promise it won't slip out by accident, though." Anne smiled mischievously, her fear apparently calmed for now, and said, "Well then I'll just have to tickle you to death before that happens!" She tried to do just that, which started a pretty epic tickle fight. It only ended when I used my size advantage to pin her to the bed and kiss her into submission. The kissing got passionate, and could have led to another round of lovemaking, but it was late and we were both tired from the first time. We put on underwear and nightshirts and trudged down the hall to the bathroom to brush our teeth. I generally didn't mind having a shared bathroom at the end of the hall, but I was not very happy about it that night. The nightshirts came back off when we went to bed. Cuddling together felt so much better with skin touching skin. ~~~ Waking up with Anne snuggled in behind me, her hand cupping my breast, was the most wonderful way to wake up I could imagine. The usual sadness and fear I feel in the first few seconds of awareness - I'm really not a morning person - were replaced by deep contentment. This I could get used to. Anne woke up minutes later, squirmed loose from me and extended her arms in a big stretch. Her face had that foggy expression of someone who's not quite awake, and a big smile. I planted a big kiss on her mouth when she was done stretching, and wrapped my arms around her. We lay together for a while, enjoying the closeness, but I had to pee. We both put our nightshirts back on and went down the hall to the bathroom. Nobody else was moving around in our wing of the dorm right then, so when we showered, we did it together. It was both nerve wracking and incredibly exciting - the tension of possibly getting caught drove me more than a little wild. We stuck to just washing each other, and finished pretty quickly, but by the time we got out, I was very ready to go back to our room. We were all over each other the moment the door shut. Possibly even before. The previous night had been about excitement and need and, though it went unsaid, about love. The morning was about discovery. I had waited a long time to go to bed with someone, and now that I had, I wanted more. I fell backward into the bed, pulling Anne down on top of me, lips still locked together. My towel was already on the floor, and Anne's came loose as she fell, covering us both briefly with damp before a foot shoved it away to join its counterpart. Anne took the initiative - she was in the right position for it - and started kissing my ear and neck. I wanted to reciprocate, but her kisses felt so good, making me tingle all over, that all I could do was lay there in pleasure and let her do what she whatever she wanted to me. That turned out to be quite amazing. The light touch of her fingers across my body was almost ticklish, but not quite. It felt like every neuron in my skin was attuned specifically to her. She kissed all over my face and neck and chest, her breath warm and moist, but kept away from my nipples, teasing me until I could no longer stand it. When her mouth finally did find a nipple, I think I probably screamed a little. I wasn't very conscious of my own actions; just her mouth and her fingers on my body. Anne demonstrated for me, with amazing skill, that a woman's breasts could be exquisitely sensitive now matter how small they were. I never felt bad about mine again after that. A Chemical Moment Before the tingling stopped, her focus shifted, and she was lightly tickling my feet and kissing my legs. I spread my knees instinctively, and soon felt the kisses circling inward. The newly bare skin between my legs was still very sensitive, and her tongue was just delicate enough that I could handle it without losing my mind. She teased around for a while, but I had felt her tongue on and then inside my pussy for the first time the night before, and I needed that again. Anne obliged me, gently at first and then assertively. I don't know where she learned how to do that, how many girls she slept with before me, and I didn't care. All I cared about was what she was doing to me. The sensations blurred together into a continuous buzz of pleasure as her tongue explored, joined later by a finger. And then her tongue licked forward, over my clit, and I felt a shot of pleasure so sharp it was almost pain. Her touch was light, but just a few more gentle swipes of her tongue drove me over the edge. I came with a great big shudder, and I squirmed enough that Anne moved her head out of the way, but she kept her finger inside me, stroking gently, and I clenched around it as I came. The whole time she was making love to me, I felt Anne pouring her soul into me. This wasn't just playing around. She was letting her body do what her mind couldn't quite acknowledge. I found her snuggled up beside me, sighing and happy, as I recovered. It was a while before I wanted to move again, and as I started to get up, Anne put her arm over my chest and held me. "Just relax and enjoy the moment, sweetie," she said. "I got exactly what I needed this morning, and all I want now is to hold you for a while." When I looked over at her, I may have looked hurt or confused or lustful, or a combination of all three. I'm not really sure what was going on in my head. Anne smiled that mischievous smile of hers and said, "Don't worry, love. You can do whatever you like to me tonight. We have plenty of time." That was good enough for me. Anne held me for a while, staring into my eyes, and then rolled over to get out of bed. I was still dizzy and a little sweaty, but not enough to need another shower. Especially not with Anne - that would just make me crazy again. She started to get dressed, kissing me on the head when she bent down to fetch a bra. I watched. Now that I was watching with real interest, she went slowly and showed off her body for me. She seemed to enjoy doing it, and I certainly enjoyed watching her. After she was done it was my turn, and Anne got to watch me. I couldn't possibly have been as graceful or as beautiful as she was, but her face told me she was happy enough with the view. We had the whole day to spend together, and we intended to make use of it. We walked out the door of our dorm for the first time as a true couple, and into a blissful life together. ~~~ Graduation Night We had a wonderful three years together, as friends and then as lovers, but it was coming to an end. Anne was going to med school at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, and I was going back to Boston to get my PhD at MIT. We tried to make it work, to go to grad school together, or at least in the same city, but it didn't pan out. We could have made it happen, by giving up on our first choice schools and going somewhere we could compromise on. North Carolina, maybe. If Anne had asked me to, I would have followed her to Baltimore in a heartbeat, even without admission to a school in the area, but she didn't. I didn't know what Anne would have done if I asked her to follow me, and I didn't want to know. I think we both knew it was for the best. We were both too young to make the sacrifices required to be together. We had plans for our lives, sketched out before we even met, that we just weren't ready to give up. Anne was also relieved for another reason: breaking up with me meant she could tell herself that being a lesbian was just a college thing. She would get herself through med school and residency and then find a man. When it became clear it wasn't going to work out for us, she told me "Keep an open mind, Allison. Don't let love pass you by just because you've convinced yourself you're gay." That really pissed me off, even though she eventually turned out to be right about me yet again. But that's another story. It's funny how Anne could always be so right about me, and everyone else, but so clueless about herself. Graduation day itself was lovely. The Chemistry department had an informal ceremony for me and my fellow Chemistry majors, and the Biology department did the same for Anne. The main ceremony, held in the stadium, was huge and impersonal, as much an exercise in logistics as a celebration of learning. How could it not be with thousands of graduates? But it didn't diminish the excitement in the air one bit. Graduating from college is a big fucking deal. The moment itself doesn't mean anything at all, but it encapsulates four years (or more) of hard work, and it represents a lifetime of curiosity. Afterward both our families took us out for a very nice dinner in Springfield, away from the madness right around campus. Anne's parents were entirely wonderful to me, accepting me into their family without question. My family was equally wonderful to Anne, despite my Mom's misgivings. Mom finally learned the art of compartmentalization, as so many American Catholics need to do, and was able to accept Anne as somebody important to me. After dinner, we went back to our apartment - we shared a one bedroom just off campus junior and senior years - for our last night together as a couple. We were mostly packed already, just bathroom stuff and clean clothes out for the morning. This was another one of those life moments. A sad one. Our lovemaking that night was slow and soft, but there was an edge of desperation underneath. I had gotten to know Anne's body in exquisite detail, and if I had wanted to, I could have sent her into orbit, screaming and dizzy with pleasure. She could have done things to me I can't even describe. On our last night together, though, the objective wasn't pleasure. It was connection. We held onto each other late into the night, bodies fused together, unwilling to let go. When our endurance finally failed, we lay together face to face. I said, as I had so often before, "Anne, I . . ." It had become a ritual, and I was performing it for the last time. I held the pause longer than usual, giving Anne her chance to stop me with a kiss or a shush or another of her clever interventions. This time, though, she didn't quite follow the script. She put her index finger gently to my lips and smiled at me. And then she said, "I know, sweetie. I love you too."