13 comments/ 23812 views/ 29 favorites 1. Racing From Love Ch. 13-15 By: inspirixis1 'Wowww, Sam, stop!' Emma called out as they were careening downhill on their way home from a ride. She turned her bike around and started slogging back uphill towards the makeshift lemonade stand that had caught her eye. It was hot and dry out, there hadn't been fog for at least a week, which was anomalous for Berkeley in the summer time. They'd been riding in the hills for hours and although she'd brought plenty of water with her the sight of the lemonade stand had still left her mouth watering. A dull ache emanated from her legs with each pedal stroke, and her ischium hurt form being in the saddle too long, she was tired. That lemonade was going to taste so good. 'What happened? Did you drop something?' Sam asked. He had caught up to her and was pedaling out of his saddle, his bike swaying beneath him with each step. 'No,' she replied. She gave him a side-ways grin, 'I want some lemonade.' 'Ahh, I should have guessed.' He accelerated quickly and moved in front of her to let a car pass safely. How could he still have so much energy? He was supposed to be tired from the world championships, but if he was it didn't show. She had been sitting in his slipstream for most of the day and he could still pull away from her easily. They pulled onto the sidewalk where three adorable little girls had set up a lemonade stand. 'It's 50 cents for a cup,' one of them said excitedly. 'How much to fill this water bottle?' Sam asked. The little girls turned to each other, their eyes wide with excitement. They huddled together discussing the price, not aware that Sam and Emma could hear their negotiations. 'I think it should be 3 dollars,' the biggest one said. 'No, that's too much, 2 dollars,' another one said. '5 dollars!' The littlest one trilled. 'Sandy, are you crazy? That's way too much!' the others retorted. Sam and Emma grinned at each other. Finally the girls had settled on a price. 'It would be 3 dollars to fill that water bottle,' said the biggest girl. 'Hmmm,' murmured Sam as he pretended to contemplate their offer. 'Did you make it yourselves?' He asked. 'Yes!' They all replied in unison. 'Did you use real lemons?' 'Yes!' 'We picked them from the tree at grandma's house!' The little one chimed in. 'Okay, you have yourself a deal. You girls drive a hard bargain,' he said as he got the money out. A few minutes later they were sitting in the park across the street under the shade of a big elm tree enjoying the lemonade. There was a gentle breeze rustling the leaves above them. It was significantly cooler in the shade, a welcome reprieve from the hot sun they had been riding in for hours. The bay stretched out below them, hot and clear and shimmering in the sun, San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge wavered like a mirage in the distance. 'Damn, this is good lemonade,' Emma said. The ice-cold sweet and tangy drink was really hitting the spot. 'I think I would have taken little Sandy's bid at $5,' she confessed. Sam laughed. 'Me too.' Emma was sitting between Sam's legs with her back to him. She leaned back into him and rested her head on his chest, he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her on the top of her head. They were both sweaty and sticky but she didn't care, Sam was headed back down to LA the next day and no amount of sweat or dirt could get in the way of her enjoying him as fully as possible before he left. 'Hey, did I tell you that Brian got that screen play accepted by an agent?' She asked. There was a pause. 'You're still in contact with him?' 'Yeah, we email every now and then. He called me to tell me about the agent though, he was really excited about it.' Again it took Sam a moment to comment. 'Does he think you're single?' He asked. 'No, I told him I was seeing someone. Why? Are you jealous?' She elbowed him in the ribs playfully. 'Yes,' he admitted. She turned to look at him, he was serious, she could see the worry in his eyes. 'Don't worry Sam, he knows I'm not interested. Besides, after my mental health issues last summer I don't think he'd touch me with a ten-foot pole,' she joked. 'I wouldn't rely on that Em. Just be careful okay? Make sure you don't lead him on, I worry about you up here on your own.' 'You're on your own down in LA,' she reminded him. 'I'm a guy, it's different.' She turned back around and laid her head back on his chest. 'Can I come and visit you in LA?' She asked. 'Of course,' he responded. 'I want to see where you live so I can picture you there in my head when I talk to you on the phone.' 'When do you want to come?' He asked. 'I don't know, whenever I get a weekend off from training. Maybe in about a month or so.' 'Okay, good. Now I have something to look forward to.' He squeezed her gently. 'What are you going to do when you graduate next year?' She asked. 'I want to go to grad. school, I should be looking around for Ph.D. opportunities. Are you still thinking about law school?' he asked. 'Uh-huh, I bought an LSAT prep. book, but that's about as far as I've gotten so far.' 'So do you want to stay here in the Bay Area or are you going to look at other places too?' 'I guess we should look at other places, but I feel vested here, I wouldn't mind staying if we could work things out here.' It was a subtle change from talking about 'I' to 'we', but she could tell Sam had caught it. He squeezed her tightly and leaned down to plant a kiss on her neck. 'I love you Emma,' he whispered in her ear. She turned her face to him and kissed him on the lips. 'I love you too Sam,' she told him. How she had ever lived without this man's love was an absolute mystery to her. Saying goodbye was sweet agony. Sam had lied to his parents and told them he was leaving a day earlier than he actually was so that he could spend the extra time with Emma. He had the rare opportunity to spend the entire night with her, to experience the bliss of waking up with her in his arms. The morning he left he made love to her slowly, caressing and kissing her gently, whispering his hopes for their future together as he moved inside her. 'Someday we will wake up beside each other every morning,' he promised. 'Someday Emma, I hope you will be my wife.' She held onto him tightly when he murmured that to her, pressing her body to him as if she was trying to get closer. When he looked into her eyes he saw the tears there. Now he understood why his dad had told him to wait to have sex with a woman you love, because sex with Emma was so much more than the physical. When he looked at Emma he saw his future, he saw the bicycle trip around Europe they had talked about, he saw lazy Sunday mornings eating pancakes, he saw a house full of little brown squealing children. It was so powerful, this love that he felt for her. They said goodbye to each other on the stoop in front of her apartment building. He hugged her close for a long time. He knew he needed to get on the road but he didn't want to leave. Finally he pulled away and held her at arms length. 'I'll see you soon, okay?' She nodded, 'Okay Sammy.' He smiled. When they'd been teenagers he'd gone through a stage when he'd hated her calling him Sammy, now he found it endearing, comforting even. There was nobody else in the world that called him that. He kissed her on the lips one last time and walked down the stairs to his car. As he unlocked the door he looked up to get one last look at her. She was gorgeous. The fog had finally come the previous night and she hugged her arms to her long lithe body in the cold air, her hair was down in a mass of curly tangles. She smiled sadly as she waved to him. As he drove away he kept wanting to turn back, to go back to her, but he fought the urge. He was already running late, if he didn't get a move on he wouldn't make it in time to get the keys to his new apartment from the realtor. On the drive down to LA he thought back over the summer, he couldn't believe how amazing it had been. He knew she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He started to think about rings and proposals. They were 21 years old, still a bit too young to be getting married but that didn't mean he couldn't propose to her. Maybe the formality of it would give her the confidence she needed to face their parents. He had tried to talk to her a few times about telling their parents the truth about their relationship, but he was unable to convince her. He knew she was frightened but Sam honestly believed that their parents would accept their relationship. They were intelligent, rational people. Although they would probably be upset at first, he really did believe that they would accept and support them, once they got used to the idea. Besides, what choice did they have? Sam and Emma were their only children, if they didn't accept their relationship they would lose both of them. The semester crawled by at an agonizingly slow pace. Sam spoke with Emma every day, sometimes several times in one day. She was studying for the LSAT and he was preparing for the GRE, they made a game of including absurd out of usage but still tested words in their conversations. Emma was way better at it than he was, she was always surprising him with words he didn't understand. Emma had been unable to find the time to make it down to LA for a visit, her coach really was an asshole, he wouldn't let her out of even one practice. Instead Sam had driven up to Berkeley. Since he had swum at the world championships in July he was supposed to be taking it easy at training until October and so it had been pretty easy for him to get a Saturday morning practice off in September. That visit had been pure bliss. Sam thought back over it as he drove North for Thanksgiving break, how excited Emma had been to see him, how enthusiastic she'd been in bed. To his delight she had been serious when she'd talked about wanting to try anal sex. True to her personality she had carried out extensive research on it and had decided it was best to work up to the actual thing. When he'd visited in September she had bought a butt plug that she wanted to experiment with. It was quite small, she told him about the progression to larger toys until finally she would be able to handle his penis. He had stimulated her with the new toy, rubbing and prodding and pumping her asshole with it while he touched and licked around her pussy until she buckled over when her orgasm overtook her. They had also made love with the toy in her ass, the extra pressure on the underside of his cock had been amazing. He'd had to pull out and give her oral pleasure so that he didn't cum prematurely. When he'd gotten her close to orgasm he plunged his cock back in her pussy, it only took a few strokes before they were writhing in ecstasy as her pussy clamped around his cock and he shot his cum deep inside her. Just thinking about that weekend was getting him hard. Not long now, he thought. It was Wednesday night, almost midnight. He'd left LA right after his last class but he'd still gotten stuck in traffic, the trip that should have taken about 6 hours was going to end up taking closer to 9. He wasn't expected in Berkeley until late tomorrow morning, he was planning on going to Emma's apartment to surprise her. Finally he was standing at her doorstep, he wasn't sure if he should knock or let himself in. It was late, almost 1 am and he didn't want to wake the neighbors, but he also didn't want her to think he was an intruder and get scared. He took his key out and opened the door. Inside her apartment he made his way to her bedroom, the door was ajar. 'Emma?' He pushed the door open. The shades were drawn and it was dark, he couldn't see anything. He blinked a few times as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He could make out the bed and the desk, but he still couldn't see or hear her. He went to the bed. 'Emma, where are you?' He asked as he ran his hands over the bed. There was nobody there. He turned on the bedside lamp and the room illuminated. She wasn't there. That's weird, he thought, maybe she decided to sleep at their parents place that night. He turned the light off and returned to his car, suppressing the fear that something might have happened to her. He had spoken to her that morning and she hadn't said anything about going to their parents place tonight, but plans change. At his parent's house he let himself in the front door, being careful to be quiet. He knew every loose board and squeaky stair in the house from years of leaving for swimming at 5:00 am and not wanting to wake anyone. He picked his way up the stairs to her room. He quietly opened the door. The window was open and the curtain blew gently in the breeze, allowing moonlight to cover the room in a soft glow. His eyes went immediately to the bed where he saw her sleeping form curled up beneath the comforter. Sam closed his eyes and sighed, thankful that she was safe from harm. He looked around her room, she hadn't changed it much since she left for college. There were rows of running trophies and ribbons on her dresser, photographs of her high school cross country team on the desk, her music stand and violin on a little table in the corner. He closed the door behind him quietly, slipped his shoes off and went to the bed. It was a single bed. When they were kids they'd shared a room and this had been the top of a set of bunk beds. Emma got the top from January through June and Sam got the top from July through December. It made him smile to think of it. When they turned twelve their present had been their own rooms, Sam had stayed in the old one and Emma had gotten this one. They'd been so excited to have their own rooms, now all he wanted was to share his space with her again. He sat down on the side of the bed. 'Emma,' he whispered as he stroked the side of her face. She stirred, her eyes opened, confused. 'Sam?' She sat up, the comforter falling down to reveal the straps of a loose fitting satin tank top slipping off her delicate shoulders. Her beautiful brown skin glowed in the moonlight. Sam leaned in and kissed her on the lips, it started off light and friendly but quickly grew long and deep as the desire stirred in his groin. She pulled his t-shirt over his head and fumbled with his belt and jeans. He stood up and kicked off his jeans and underwear. His cock was already stiff as Emma grabbed him by the hips and sank her mouth around him. The warmth and wetness of her mouth was amazing over his cock. He sank his hands into her curly hair as he sighed her name. She worked her tongue over him, licking and swirling over the head, and then swallowing him deep into her throat. She was bringing him close to release and so he pushed her away gently. She looked up at him, her big brown eyes hot with need. He threw the covers back and climbed on top of her, pulling her tank top over her head to reveal her perfect breasts. She put her arms around his neck and laid back on the bed, pulling him down with her. He kissed her deeply while his hands roamed over her body, caressing her curves, squeezing her breasts. She moaned into his mouth. His hands went down to her hips, which were moving against him rhythmically, and peeled off her underwear. They were wet with her juices. She opened her legs for him and he used one hand to guide his penis to her wet opening, sinking his cock into her tight little passage. Emma moaned and he covered her mouth with his to extinguish it. He started moving in and out of her, each stroke agonizing in its pleasure, bringing him closer to release. He moved his arms under her and grasped her by the shoulders, grinding his pelvis into her to stimulate her clitoris. His forehead rested on hers and he pressed his body firmly on top of her. He could feel everything, her soft breasts and hard nipples pressed against his chest, her lungs expanding with ragged breaths, her heart pounding through her ribcage, her heels digging into his buttocks. He watched as her breathing deepened and her forehead crinkled. Her hands where in his hair and they tightened their hold until she was pulling on him, holding onto him for dear life. She whimpered and he knew she was close. He quickened his pace, knowing that it would lead to his end too. Emma gasped and he felt her push her hips up to meet him, her legs spread wide for him to plant his seed deep inside her. Sam felt her pussy contract around him, gripping his cock, milking his cum from him. He plunged into her two, three, four, five times, delivering load after load of semen deep into her pussy. He closed his eyes, his arms shaking slightly as he breathed deeply, recovering. Her breathing was slowing underneath him. He kissed her again, sweetly, gently. 'What are you doing here?' He whispered. 'I went to your apartment and you weren't there, I was worried.' 'Mom wants me to help prepare the turkey in the morning, she wants to start ridiculously early so I decided to sleep here,' she whispered back. 'What are you doing here?' 'I wanted to get a few hours alone with you,' he replied. He snuggled and kissed with her for a little while until they were spooning, barely fitting on the bed together. 'I had better sleep in the other room Em,' he whispered into the back of her neck. She tightened her grip on his arm as he tried to pull away, 'Just a few more minutes Sam, please?' She begged. He relaxed and settled back beside her, he'd hold her until she fell asleep and then go sleep in his room. CHAPTER FOURTEEN 'Oh my God... Oh my God!' The voice pulled Emma out of a deep sleep. She sat up in bed, startled. The room was bathed in a soft morning light, her mother stood at the end of the bed, her hand over her mouth and eyes wide with shock. It only took a fraction of a second for Emma to realize what the problem was. She was naked and in the bed beside her was Sam, also bear naked. There were clothes and underwear scattered on the floor. She was vaguely aware of Sam's semen, wet on the lips of her pussy. Oh Shit. Emma's heart was beating in her throat, she scrambled to cover herself with the comforter. On the bed beside her Sam sat up and placed his hand on her back, his touch was warm and comforting. His voice was steady, 'Mom, calm down.' 'John! John!' She called for their dad, her voice high and tense. Oh god, please don't let their dad walk in and see them like this, thought Emma. She felt the bed move beside her, Sam was getting up. He walked across the room, stark naked, and guided their mom out the door. 'Mom, let us get dressed,' he muttered as he closed the door on her. He turned and leaned his back against the door, his blue eyes leveled on hers. 'I'm sorry Em, I didn't mean to fall asleep,' his voice was little more than a whisper. She shook her head, she was the one who asked him to stay. She tried to swallow but her mouth was dry. 'Come on, get dressed,' he urged. He walked over to where his clothes were discarded on the floor and started to pull on his jeans. How could he be so calm? Emma was paralyzed with fear and yet he was carrying on as if this sort of thing happened every day. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and started opening her dresser draws, he pulled out clean clothes and walked over to the bed. 'Come on baby, you've got to get dressed,' his voice was calm and authoritative. She reached out for the clothes and started to put on the t-shirt. She could hear their parents talking in the hallway, and felt the bile rising in her stomach. 'Sam? Are you in there?' It was their dad. 'Yeah, just give me a second dad,' Sam called out. He grasped her by the shoulders, she looked up into his eyes and was amazed by how steady they were. 1. Racing From Love Ch. 13-15 'It's going to be alright Emma,' he assured her. 'Whatever happens, we'll make it through this.' She stared into his eyes, wanting to believe him. Then he strode across the room and out the door, closing it behind him. She could hear their muffled voices in the hallway. Emma felt sick. A knot of anxiety was forming in her stomach, she could feel her jaw clenching involuntarily. She got up and wiped Sam's cum from her pussy with a bath towel, thick globs of his pearly fluid leaked out of her. When she'd cleaned up as best she could she finished dressing, made the bed and sat on it. She leaned over with her head in her hands and her elbows resting on her knees. Her breathing was shallow and she consciously counted her breaths to try and calm down, a technique the psychiatrist she'd seen two summers ago had taught her. Why hadn't she listened to Sam when he had argued that it was best to tell them right away? God, she felt totally demoralized. How was she going to face them? The murmuring out in the hallway stopped and there was a knock on the door. 'Come in,' she croaked. Her mouth was so dry, she could feel her heart beating in her throat, causing her to feel nauseous. She looked up, it was Sam, he closed the door behind him after entering the room. 'Are you okay?' He asked. She nodded her head. 'You look pale Em, what's wrong?' What's wrong? What wasn't wrong? Her mother had seen her naked with her brother after what had obviously been a night of sex. And now her dad knew too. This was fucked up on so many different levels it wasn't funny and he was asking what's wrong? 'What did they say?' She asked, ignoring his question. 'It was just dad, he wants us to start cooking the turkey while they discuss it. He's not happy. Mom is freaking out.' She nodded again and got up. She walked towards the door, but he caught her arm as she passed him. They were face to face, his eyes shined cobalt blue in the early morning light. 'Emma, this doesn't change anything between us. I still love you.' She knew she was supposed to tell him that she loved him too, and she did love him, but she couldn't find the words, couldn't open her mouth and get them out. Her brain was stumped, the effort of pushing the anxiety down preventing any sort of normal brain function. He held her there looking into her eyes, waiting for a response. His eyes held steady, locked on her. 'Emma?' He prompted her. 'Come on Sam, let's start cooking,' she whispered. He let go of her. She saw the pain in his eyes and was sorry for it, but she had to start moving, she was liable to throw up if she didn't. Down in the kitchen she turned on the oven and got the turkey out of the fridge. Sam had followed her down and cornered her in the pantry when she went to get the spices. 'Emma, I need to know. Do you love me?' His voice was pleading with her, almost frantic. She looked at him, this man who she knew so well, who she trusted, who she loved. 'Of course I love you Sam,' she said in a small voice. He pulled her into a hug, his relief palpable. 'Don't scare me like that baby,' he scolded. He rubbed her back and she let her head rest on his chest, allowing his stability to quiet her twisting stomach, the roar of blood pumping in her ears. 'Emma, they're going to be mad when they come out to talk to us, they're probably going to say some nasty things. But believe me, they'll get used to the idea of us as a couple, no matter what they say today.' He held her at arms length. She looked into his eyes, they had returned to calm, steady pools of blue. She wanted him to hold her again, to fight the nausea for her. She felt weak. 'Emma, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. This is just one bad day.' She wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe that everything would be okay, that their parents would accept and support them as a couple, but the look on their mother's face was haunting her. It wasn't just shock that she'd seen on her face, but horror and disgust. Something told her that their mother would never accept them as a couple. Sam was still holding her by the shoulders, waiting for some sort of confirmation from her. She was at a loss to know what to say. Of course saying that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone is romantic and exciting, but how realistic was it in their case? She knew she needed to say something, lest she completely shatter his heart. 'I love you too, Sam,' was all she could think to say. After a moment she handed him the salt and spices. He seemed to accept that their conversation was over and he left her to root around the pantry for the potatoes and yams. By the time that their parents came down to the kitchen an hour later they had the turkey in the oven and the vegetables prepared for the side dishes. Sam was making the cranberry sauce from scratch and it started to fill the house with the delicious smell of thanksgiving. It was too bad that none of them were in a state of mind to enjoy it. They sat at the kitchen table, Sam and Emma on one side and their parents on the other. Emma sat with her head bowed, twisting her hands in her lap, she couldn't make eye contact with them. Their dad was the first one to speak. 'How long has this been going on?' He asked. His voice was measured. 'Since the beginning of the summer,' Sam replied. 'Were you planning on telling us, or is this... casual?' His voice was strained at that last question. Emma's heart fell, the fact that her father could believe that she would have casual sex with anyone, let alone Sam, made her stomach turn. 'No dad, we're in love. We were trying to figure out a way to tell you,' Sam explained. He should have blamed her, she was the one who fought against being honest with them from the start. 'Dad?' Her voice was unsteady. She raised her eyes to look at him for the first time. She was expecting to see anger, but his face was full of sadness, which was perhaps even more devastating to her. 'Yes Emma?' 'It's my fault. Sam wanted to tell you but I wouldn't let him. I was afraid.' 'What were you afraid of?' He seemed old and tired all of a sudden. How could she have done this to him? 'That you wouldn't understand, that you'd be angry and disappointed in me.' He sighed and rubbed his eyes. 'I don't understand, we don't understand,' he said as he reached over for their mom's hand. She still looked shell shocked, her face was drawn, her lips in a tight frown, her eyes penetrated Emma with a lifeless stare. 'What were you thinking could come of this?' He asked. 'I love her dad, I want to marry her,' Sam said simply. The older man shook his head, 'You can't.' 'With all due respect dad, we're adults and we don't need your permission.' 'No Sam, legally you can't marry her, you can't have any sexual contact with her. She's your sister, there are laws against incest.' Sam looked taken aback. 'But dad, she's not my sister, not genetically, you know that.' 'It doesn't matter. Legally Emma is our daughter, which means that in the eyes of the law she is your sister. The law is very specific in the case of adoption. Your relationship is illegal.' Now it was Sam's turn to look shell shocked, the color drained from his face. 'Well, what if we don't get married, we just live together as partners?' His voice had lost all of its authority, he was grasping at straws. Their dad shook his head, 'You'd still be breaking the law. If you had children the state would be well within its rights to take custody of them.' Emma felt the last whispers of hope drain from her body. She knew it was over, there was no future for them, Sam was always talking about wanting to have children. 'Adopting?' It was barely above a whisper. Their dad's voice grew gentle, 'There'd be no way Sam. It's a dead end street no matter which way you look.' Sam turned to her, his face was ashen, 'What should we do?' He asked. She shook her head, 'I don't know,' she replied. A dull ache had started at the base of her skull, she needed to throw up. 'I would suggest that you both think very carefully about what you want out of your lives. If you decide that you want anything even approaching a normal life you will go your separate ways,' their dad advised. As soon as they had been dismissed Emma made a beeline for the bathroom. She wretched and heaved up mouthfuls of stomach acid, it's foul burn filling the air and making her eyes water. She knew what this was, it was the same as that awful summer after the fight over Brian, this was anxiety in its most potent form. She opened the medicine cabinet, thankful that her parents didn't use this bathroom and had not felt the need to clean out the cabinet. She searched through the little yellow canisters until she found the one she needed. Her hands were shaking as she took out a valium and swallowed it. She sat in the shower for a long time, her legs pulled up to her chest, her head resting between her knees. The hot water ran over her back as her tears leaked from her eyes and dripped off the tip of her nose onto the tiled shower floor. Finally she started to feel the medication kick in, the knot in her stomach became a little easier to bear, the nausea subsided and the pounding in her ears disappeared. She still had a dull ache where her skull met her neck, but she knew from experience that it would take a small miracle to get rid of that. A familiar haze settled around her emotions, taking the sharpness off their edges. When she finally emerged from the shower she decided to go for a run. It was only 9:30 am and dinner wasn't served until early afternoon, she could get in a few hours, and it would mean that she wouldn't have to face any of them. She pulled on her long leggings and a long sleeve shirt and vest. It didn't look like it was going to rain, even if it did she didn't really care, just so long as she could get out of the house for a few hours. She stretched in her room, not wanting to prolong any time she would have to spend in the company of any of her family members. She crept through the house, wishing she could disappear. Her dad was in the kitchen, assembling a pie. 'Emma?' Shit, he'd seen her. She turned and looked at him. 'Come here Em,' his voice was kind. She took a few steps into the kitchen. The sweet aroma of the turkey was starting to waft from the oven, it made her want to hurl. 'Are you going for a run?' He asked. 'Uh-huh,' she nodded. 'Your Nanna will be here at two so please make sure your back and cleaned up in time.' 'Okay,' she replied quietly. He stopped what he was doing and looked at her. 'Emma, I want you to know that I am neither angry nor disappointed in you. I am upset that you didn't come to me sooner, but I understand why this was so difficult for you.' She nodded, her eyes on the floor. 'Your mother, on the other hand, is beside herself. I think it would be best if you kept your distance from her for now, so if you could go back to your apartment after Nanna leaves that might be best for everyone.' Emma had a sinking feeling. She acknowledged the request by nodding her head. 'Emma,' he touched her chin to raise her face to meet his eyes. 'Things will go back to normal, you'll see. You're young, there will be other men. Mom will get over this shock.' 'Okay,' she whispered. At that point she would say anything to get away. She knew in her heart that there would never be another man like Sam. She opened the front door, glad to be out of the house. She breathed in the cool air and closed her eyes, forcing the tears back. 'Emma,' Sam's voice was raspy. She jumped, she hadn't realized that he was sitting out here on the porch. He looked broken, his big shoulders sagged forward, his eyes were bloodshot, his face sagged. She wanted to go to him, to hold his head to her breast and stroke his hair and tell him that she loved him. But what use would that be? 'What are you doing out here?' She asked. 'Thinking,' he replied. She didn't know what to say, she'd never seen him so distraught before, it made her nervous. 'It's cold Sam, I've got to go,' she felt so lame for her ridiculous excuse to get away from him. He just nodded. She ran for hours, the beat of her feet and the rhythm of her breathing hypnotizing her and allowing her brain to go blank. She didn't even know where she was going, she didn't have a plan, she was just running. When she finally looked at her watch it was 12:45, it had been three hours. She was somewhere out near Walnut Creek and a light rain was falling. She was soaked, it must have been raining for a while. She found a major road and took a guess as to which direction the train station was. Luckily she guessed right and it wasn't long before she was standing on the train, water dripping off her into little puddles on the floor. She was freezing, she wrapped her arms around her to try and retain some body heat. She had to change trains and was left waiting on the platform for a few minutes. The cold wind whipped around her as she huddled under the shelter, her teeth chattering. Finally her train arrived. Inside it was not much warmer, but at least there was no wind. The car was relatively empty, it was a holiday and most people were at home, in the bosom of their families. She felt numb as she thought of going back to her parents' house. Her dad had asked her to leave after dinner. Thrown out. It was what she had known would happen all along. The train stopped and a disheveled black guy got on. He couldn't have been much older than she was but he looked malnourished. His unkempt hair was matted and straggly, he smelled pungent. He took the seat right beside the door, uncomfortably close to where Emma was standing. He was talking loudly to nobody. 'I'm gonna bust my mom out and we can live off her social security... Aint no way I'm going away again, no way... Once I bust my mom out... No way am I going away, No way man, not this time...' His eyes were glassy, he looked around agitatedly, as if he was searching for someone. He looked straight through Emma. He was clearly totally out of it, whether from drugs or mental illness she couldn't know. She wasn't afraid, he just made her feel sad. Why was life so fucked up? Huddled between the seat divider and the train door, hugging her arms around her, Emma started to cry. She didn't want to go home. She didn't want to face any of them, least of all Sam. She'd gone and royally fucked up his life, hadn't she. Her heart felt black and empty, she just wanted to lie down and have it over with. What was the point anymore anyway? CHAPTER FIFTEEN That weekend was awful. Just horrible, worse than anything that she had ever experienced. Emma somehow managed to sit through dinner with her dad, Sam and their Nanna. Their dad had told Nanna that their mom had a nasty virus and needed to stay in bed. Nanna had accepted this without question, she was 81 years old, so she kept on reminding everyone, and she didn't need to be near sick people. Nanna, bless her heart, was oblivious to the blanket of sadness that had settled over the house. She chatted happily about her water aerobics class and how she had boasted to all of her friends about Sam making the finals at the world championships. How her arch rival, Brittany Carlson, was so jealous of her because Brittany's grandchildren were a bunch of no good hooligans. There was an uncomfortable silence when she asked Emma if she had a boyfriend. She should have expected it, Nanna came from a different generation, one where women found husbands and pushed out babies for a living. She had been asking about Emma's love life for years. Emma shook her head, no. 'Well dear, you don't want to be waiting around too long, all of the good ones will be taken if you do,' Nanna chuckled. Sam asked to be excused and disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes, his eyes noticeably puffy when he returned. Emma couldn't eat. The rich smell of the turkey, roasted vegetables, gravy, cranberry sauce and fresh baked bread all mingled in the air and made her feel dizzy and nauseous. She pushed the food around on her plate, taking small bites when she felt that she could stall no longer. She didn't chew, just swallowed. She kept on catching glimpses of Sam staring at her, his eyes red-rimmed and forlorn. When she got up to clear the table Sam volunteered to help. As soon as they were in the kitchen, out of sight of the their dad and Nanna, he grabbed her arm. 'What are you doing?' He whispered. 'What do you mean?' She asked. She didn't have the energy to try and pull her arm away. 'You spent half of the day running and then you barely ate anything for dinner. What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?' Emma felt very tired. 'It's just the stress Sam, I find it hard to eat when I'm stressed.' He softened his approach, 'I know Em, but please try, I can't stand it to sit here and watch you torture your body like that. Not on top of everything else.' He looked tired too. She closed her eyes. She felt dizzy and nauseous, the contents of her stomach pushed on her esophagus, she fought the urge to vomit. And then Sam's arms were around her, enveloping her in security. She breathed in his smell, the warm familiarity of him calming her senses, quieting her discomfort. But she knew she shouldn't be letting this happen. It would only give him hope where none should exist. It would only make the final blow all that much more difficult. It took all of her strength to bring herself to push him away. She couldn't make eye contact with him. 'Come on, they'll be wondering,' she whispered as she brushed past him on the way back out to the table. She had told herself that things could only get better from that day onwards, but she was wrong. Sam wanted to talk, and he kept on showing up at her apartment. He wanted to keep seeing her. To hell with their parents he said, to hell with the law. She reminded him that they wouldn't be able to have children, he told her that she was more important than kids. He kept on trying to touch her. He was such a temptation. His strong arms, his steady eyes, the comfort and stability that he promised her, it was all so tempting. She had to push him away, to tell him to stop. If he didn't give her some room to think she would crumble. As their dad had said, their relationship was a dead end, right? But Sam was so beautiful, he was everything she wanted. She was so confused. Finally he left, he went back down to LA for school. When he came to say goodbye he asked her outright if it was over. She lowered her eyes. 'I don't know Sam. I don't think we have a future,' she said in a quiet voice. 'Emma, we have whatever future we make for ourselves,' he told her, and then he was gone.