29 comments/ 47742 views/ 41 favorites Stupidest Incest Story Ever Written By: ClockworkBanana Author's Note: This is a humor story, and not very erotic. A relatively large part of this is a parody of incest stories, but I am not making fun of incest stories in general: I'm only making fun of the BAD incest stories. EDITOR'S NOTE: This story is a humorous satire. * Malcolm Rush couldn't believe his luck. 18 years old with a muscled, lean body, he was the stud who everyone wanted at his high school. Girls often told him that he looked just like a younger version of Brad Pitt, except maybe even more attractive. Despite that, he hadn't lost his virginity yet, or even had a girlfriend, and not for lack of girls having interest in him. The truth was, he only had eyes for one girl. And that girl was his older sister, Jessica. And right now, he was watching the object of his desire masturbate herself without her knowledge of his presence. He stared through the keyhole of his sister's room into the mirror that reflected her actions on the bed. His sister was lying on the bed and fingering herself. It was a wonderful sight for Malcolm. Jessica was 20, and attending a local community college so she still lived at home. She had long blonde hair, large but perky tits, a slim figure, and a firm ass. He always thought she looked a lot like model Kate Upton. A few months ago, a few days after his 18th birthday, Malcolm had accidentally seen her get naked and about to get into the shower as he walked past her room. Luckily, she hadn't noticed, and Malcolm couldn't help but stop and stare at her. He hadn't had any sexual thoughts about her before then. They were best friends and shared everything, but he had always just thought of her as his beloved older sister and nothing else. Seeing her delicious naked body changed his mindset entirely. She was the first girl he had seen naked in the flesh and her body drove him wild. He went back to his room after that filled with shame and regret, but resolved that there was nothing wrong with it and that he wanted her bad. He hadn't jerked off to any other girl since that time. And now, here was his sister, naked and masturbating. And he could watch it. He watched her finger her pussy and moan, and he undid his belt, pulled his pants and boxers down a notch, and started to pull out his cock and stroke it. He knew this was wrong and that it was incest, but he didn't care. Luckily, their parents were away on vacation for a few weeks. At one point Jessica threw back her head in pleasure and it looked like she was about to orgasm. This made Malcolm extremely aroused as he imagined that he was the one fucking her. At that point, Malcolm couldn't help but make a loud grunting noise as he stroked his dick. A noise loud enough for her to hear. Uh oh. He saw that Jessica heard it, as she suddenly jolted out of bed. "What the fuck was that?" she muttered to herself. Malcolm sprinted over to his room and closed the door behind him, quickly. Too quickly, he soon realized. It made a loud slamming noise. Damnit. He lay in bed pretending to sleep, hoping the knock wouldn't come at the door. It did. He ignored it, then heard the door handle slowly open. Damn, he should have locked it. He lay in his bed pretending to sleep, even though it was only 9:00pm and his light was still on. Even though his eyes were closed, he could tell that Jessica was standing in his doorway glowering at him. "Malcolm," she said coldly. "Malcolm. I know you're not asleep." He groaned and pretending to wake up. "Oh, hey, sis, what's up? I must have dozed off." "You didn't doze off," she said with an icy glare. "You were just outside my room, and you darted back in here." "What? No, that's crazy, I was..." "Shut the FUCK up!" she yelled, "You know exactly what you were doing! You were watching me, you fucking pervert!" Malcolm stood up, and Jessica looked into his eyes. Malcolm had no idea what to say or think. He felt ashamed. He had just ruined the purest and most loving relationship in his life by giving in to his raging hormones and thinking of her sexually. He looked down, with sadness. "I'm so sorry, sis. I couldn't help it...I just..." "Malcolm, do you have any idea what you were doing? I'm your sister! What is wrong with you?" "I'm so sorry Jess...please...I love you...don't let this change things..." She could hardly compose herself. "How DARE you, how dare you sit there...watch me in my private moments, pleasuring myself...how could you..." "Please, Jess, please..." "How could you...touch yourself, think about me in THAT way...." He was silent. There was nothing he could say. She paused for a moment too, then continued. ".............and not join in?" Malcolm did a double take. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" Malcolm didn't have time to react as Jessica lunged towards him, grabbed the back of his head, lifted her left leg to wrap around him, and leaned in for a deep French kiss. He was in heaven as their tongues intertwined. She eventually detached her lips from his and gave him a sultry look. "Now why don't you take your clothes off and get in bed, so you can fuck your big sister." Malcolm was dumbfounded. He couldn't believe this was happening. His forbidden fantasy was coming true. He walked into her bedroom behind her as he took off his shirt, kicked off his sandals, and then pulled his pants and boxers off of him. "Sis, are you sure about this? This would be..." "Incest?" she said as she leaned on one side on the bed, looking at him, her large breasts swaying. "Who cares what it's called? Here's the most important thing to call it: this is LOVE. You're the only man I've ever loved, and I've been saving myself for you. Just like I know you've been saving yourself for me." "Wow," Malcolm said as he tried to compose his thoughts, "so you've been thinking about this for quite some time, too..." "Of course I've been thinking about it. I'm surprised it took this long." She moved towards him as he stood there, then got on her knees and used her hands to start massaging his cock and balls. "I've been planning it, too. Do you really think I would have gotten naked in order to go into the shower without noticing that my door was open?" Malcolm was mesmerized as her head slowly started to move towards his cock. He had wanted this for so long, so he wasn't sure why he was still asking questions about it. But he knew he had to make sure this was real and not some fluke or heat of the moment decision. "We still need to think about this, sis. Things won't ever be the same after this." "You're right," Jessica said, "they'll be better." She opened her mouth and took the length of his cock inside of it. Malcolm was in heaven as his dreams came true. His beloved sister was finally sucking his cock. The moment he had dreamed of. He looked into her eyes as she moved it back and forth while fondling his balls while continuing to play with herself. After about ten minutes, she went back towards the bed and opened her legs for him. "Since I've been playing with myself, I think I'm decently wet, so you don't have to worry about returning the favor if you don't want to." "Are you kidding?" Malcolm said with a smile. "I've been dreaming of tasting that sweet juicy honeypot for some time, no way I'm passing up that opportunity." He walked towards the bed and knelt before her, as he grabbed either sides of her ass cheeks and leaned in to stick his tongue in her pussy. He moved his tongue slowly and deliberately, teasing her clit as he did so. "Oh, God!" Jessica yelled. "I've never had my pussy eaten before, it feels so damn good! Don't stop!" After several minutes, Jessica looked like she as on the brink of orgasm. "You can stop eating me now - I don't want to orgasm on your tongue, little brother, I want to orgasm on your dick." "I'll be happy to oblige you," Malcolm said as he stood up and then slowly entered his erect dick into the sweet folds of her wet pussy as she lay on the bed. Jessica threw her head back and screamed. "Oh, God, Malcolm! Please fuck me! More, harder! Oh, baby! Oh, baby!" He picked up the pace. As he continued to enter her, he knew that he had made the correct decision waiting for the right girl to lose his virginity to, and he knew he had picked the right girl. This experience was bliss. After a few more minutes, she announced that she was ready to finish. "Oh, dear brother! You've made me fucking cum! I'm cumming all over your huge cock!" He enjoyed the sweet feel of her release on him. Malcolm eventually got on his back so she could ride him cowgirl style, then flipped her around to enter her doggy-style. After about twenty minutes he couldn't control it any longer. "I'm about to cum too, sis." "Oh, God, little brother, cum inside my pussy." "Are you sure that's a good idea?" She paused as she methodically moved her ass back and forth on his cock. "Do you love me?" "I love you more than anything else in the world." "Then show me you love me by cumming deep inside your sister's pussy." He couldn't argue with that, and violently unleashed his hot cum deep inside of her. They both collapsed onto the bed. He kissed her on the forehead. "Like I said, Malcolm said as he stroked her back, "this changes everything for us." "It sure does," Jessica responded, "and I love every bit of it." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A man named Donny walked out of an elevator, back from his cigarette break, and sat down in a chair. He was sitting in front of a large amount of computer screens in a control center. He looked at the nearly two dozen screens and monitors, taking as many notes as he could. Donny yawned, then leaned back in his chair and started to doze off. Suddenly, a loud alarm sounded. Red sirens went off everywhere. "WARNING! WARNING! INCEST ALERT! INCEST ALERT!" the alarm blared over the loudspeakers. Donny was shocked awake. "What? Who? Where?" he asked as he composed himself. A woman ran in from a nearby room, dressed in her nightgown. "What's going on, brother?" she asked. "The incest alert is sounding," Donny responded. "We need more information. Chip, get in here!" Their robot butler, Chip, suddenly wheeled into the room, flailing his mechanical arms up and down. "Aye-yi-yi-yi! The incest alert is on full blast!" "Chip, you need to calm down," Donny responded. "Who are you talking about, and where is it happening?" "According to reports, an insanely attractive pair of siblings has consummated their relationship in Cincinnati, Ohio!" "Have they? Onscreen," Donny responded. Donny turned towards the screen and was rewarded with headshots of quite possibly the hottest couple he had ever seen, as well as a meter reading and graph that was off the charts. "This is unbelievable," he said to his sister, "just look at that sister, she looks like Kate Upton if only she was even hotter." "I know what you're saying, bro," she responded, "that guy looks just like a young Brad Pitt, if only Brad Pitt was even more attractive and awesome. And look at these charts, the incest meter is in the red, meaning that they're having sex right now. Let's bring up their biographies." Donny clicked to zoom in on the brother's headshot and brought up his bio, and read it onscreen. --- NAME: Malcolm Kyle Rush Age: 18 Height: 6'2 Weight: 203 lbs Hair: Brown Eyes: Green Physical description: Heavily muscled, athletic, handsome Personality traits: Brave, intelligent, charismatic, noble --- Donny nodded then clicked on the sister's biography notes. --- NAME: Jessica Colleen Rush Age: 20 Height: 5'7 Weight: 119 lbs Hair: Blonde Eyes: Blue Physical description: Shapely, model-esque, slim waist, large breasts Personality traits: None discernible --- Donny turned towards his sister with a mixture of hopefulness and wonder in his eyes. "Sister, do you think, maybe...they could be...?" "Seems like they have a shot," she responded. "We'll have to visit them first, and then bring them back." "Only one choice, then," Donny responded. "We have to go get them. Make haste, to the incest mobile!" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The next day, Malcolm and Jessica couldn't keep their hands off each other, taking full advantage of the fact that their parents were gone for some time. Everything was right in the world for Malcolm. He got to be with the woman he loved. Their situation would be complicated once their parents returned, but he knew love would conquer all. The two of them lay together on the couch in the living room for a short period of time after another intense lovemaking session, when suddenly they heard the doorbell ring. Jessica panicked, grabbed her clothes, and ran towards the bathroom. Malcolm quickly put his clothes back on as well, and walked over towards the door, annoyed by this distraction. When Malcolm opened the door, he was greeted by a dark haired man and women who were still very attractive despite being in their 40's or 50's. Something about the two of them seemed familiar, but he couldn't quite place his finger on it. "Hello there," the man said as he extended his hand, "you must be Malcolm Rush." "Yeah, that's my name. If you don't mind me asking, what are you here for? Are you selling something?" The man laughed for a moment. "Do you recognize me and my partner here? It's okay if you don't recognize us by face, the height of our popularity was well before your time. " "I vaguely recognize your faces, but I can't quite place it, sorry." "Quite alright," the woman laughed. "My name is Marie Osmond, and this is my brother Donny. We used to be pop stars in the 70's and 80's." "Oh, right, sorry!" Malcolm replied. "Donny and Marie. Yeah, yeah, okay. I've definitely heard of you, I'm sorry I couldn't recognize you by face right away. So, umm, wait, why the hell are you two here at my doorstep and how do you know my name?" Donny paused before responding. "It's a rather serious issue, I'm afraid. May we come in and talk for a moment?" "I don't think that's such a good idea, I'm sort of busy at the moment..." "Busy having intercourse with your sister, yes, of course," Donny replied. "This involves her as well. Tell Jessica to come out of the bathroom so we can talk to both of you." Malcolm was absolutely dumbfounded. How could they have known? He had half a mind to kick them out, but was just too curious as to what was going on. He let them in before knocking on the bathroom door to tell Jessica to come out. She was shocked as well, but they agreed to sit down and listen to what the two had to say. "Before we start," Jessica asked, "how the hell did you know about our activity and how do you know our names? And why do you care?" "This is a very complicated matter," Marie answered, "all those questions will be answered in due time. Suffice to say, we may need your services." "You see, Marie and I are here as representatives of a very important and powerful organization," Donny continued. "An organization called 'The Supreme Council of Incest.'" "The Supreme Council of Incest? What the fuck? That sounds absolutely insane. Is this some sort of joke?" Malcolm responded. "No joke, we are very serious. As newly discovered incestuous lovers who are both ridiculously attractive, Marie and I feel like you may be the people we have been looking for to complete our long standing quest." "Long standing quest?" Jessica replied. "This is ridiculous. What sort of long standing quest? What are you talking about?" Donny and Marie started to reply to her, but suddenly Jessica cut them off. "Hold on, for a moment. Would you mind if I spoke with my brother for a moment in private?" They obliged as Jessica dragged Malcolm into the kitchen nearby and then whispered to him. "Malcolm," she whispered, "what the hell is going on? This can't be real, it feels like some sort of practical joke. Please tell me you didn't tell one of your friends about us last night and that they hired some people to play a joke on us...you didn't tell Ted, did you?" Ted was the name of Malcolm's friend, a horny jokester who liked to pull pranks. Malcolm grabbed her shoulders and kissed her on the forehead. "I swear to God, Jessica. I swear on our love, I have told no one and I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. I sure as hell would never tell anyone, especially not that asshole Ted. Besides, have I even left your side since last night? I had no part of this." Once she seemed satisfied with his answer, the two of them walked back into the living room. "Sorry about the interruption. Please explain further," Malcolm asked. "It's okay, we know this is difficult for you. It's a very complicated story, and I'm afraid the two of us can't quite do it justice explaining it here," Marie answered. Donny continued her train of thought. "Luckily, we have someone who can explain it all. A few years ago we realized that we needed someone who was great at explaining things and giving exposition to the newcomers. So we figured, who's better at giving explanations and exposition than Morgan Freeman? So, we convinced Morgan to marry his step-granddaughter so he could join the Council of Incest. Please come with us back to our headquarters so we can have him explain everything, and we can introduce you to the rest of the council." Malcolm paced around the room at this madness. "Morgan Freeman? The actor? Everything that you're saying is absolute nonsense. We aren't going anywhere with you." "I don't think you quite understand," Donny replied, "this is more important than any of us. The fate of the world depends on it." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ While dumbfounded, Malcolm and Jessica eventually confirmed by looking up their pictures of their phones that these people were actually the former pop stars Donny and Marie Osmond and not some sort of impersonators, so they figured there was little risk in traveling with them, even if this was some sort of elaborate prank. They left Cincinnati and drove in their car for some time and after about an hour and a half found themselves in rural Kentucky. Donny and Marie eventually led them to an apparently abandoned factory. Malcolm was still skeptical at what was going on, and became even more puzzled as Donny walked inside and flipped over a rock to reveal a control panel. He inputted a code into the control panel, and an elevator suddenly rose from the ground. "How did you make that elevator appear? What on earth is happening?" "Like we said, answers await inside," Marie responded. Malcolm was hesitant about this as they got into the elevator and took a long ride down into some sort of underground fortress. What plan were they talking about, and how did he and his sister fit into the equation? Finally, the door opened, and Malcolm walked out to see what appeared to be an elaborate and ornate military facility. The central room had large portraits of Albert Einstein former president Franklin D. Roosevelt. "Ah, good old Einstein and FDR," Donny reminisced as they walked past the painting, "two of the most respected men in modern history, and both married their cousins to support our cause." "May they rest in peace," Marie solemnly added. As they continued to walk down the hallways towards their destination, Malcolm noticed a large amount of paintings everywhere depicting various famous people throughout history who were apparently involved in some sort of incest, and a description of their incestuous activity. Finally, the four of them walked up to what appeared to be the doors to a large and ornate boardroom. A young African-American man sat outside at a large desk at the entrance. Donny walked up to the man and greeted him. "Hey, Nick, how's it going? What have you been up to?" Stupidest Incest Story Ever Written "Not much, not much," Nick replied. "Just been watching the incest meter reports. Had a close call earlier today in Albuquerque , from what I could tell it seemed like the brother was tickling his sister in a pretty suggestive manner. Unfortunately, she said she was getting uncomfortable, and he agreed and stopped." "That's a shame," Donny replied. "Hopefully this is just the first step and they'll come around. Anyway, everyone in the council is in there and prepared?" "Sure are." "Excellent. Oh, how rude of me. I'd like to introduce you to our guests." Marie suddenly brought Malcolm and Jessica to the forefront so they could talk to him. "Malcolm and Jessica, I'd like you to meet Nick Brown. He's Whitney Houston's adopted son, and he's been having relations with his adopted sister," she explained. "He's trying to work his way up into the council, but for now he serves as an assistant and guard." "Ah, Malcolm and Jessica. So nice to see you two in the flesh, you guys are just as attractive as people have mentioned," Nick responded as she shook both of their hands. "People have mentioned us? What?" Malcolm asked. "Oh yeah, everyone's been talking about it. I bet the sex between you two was crazy hot." "Wow, that is a wildly inappropriate thing to say," Malcolm responded, irritated. "Things work a bit differently here, you'll get used to it," Nick smiled. Jessica suddenly chimed in, "You know, I'm not exactly thrilled about this whole invasion of privacy thing, how on earth did you guys know about...." Marie shushed her. "Calm down, child. It's time for us to meet with the council. Everything will be explained." Nick pushed a button on his desk, and the large wooden doors suddenly opened. "The council will see you now," he exclaimed. Malcolm , Jessica, Donny and Marie all walked forward into the large boardroom as the doors closed behind them. There were 11 large chairs around a large desk in a semi-circle, all facing away from them. 9 of the chairs were occupied, with the other two obviously being for Donny and Marie. There was a logo in the center of the desk, a picture of the male gender symbol placing its arrow into the circle at the top of the female gender symbol, with a picture of a DNA strand between them. "Malcolm and Jessica, we would like to introduce you to the esteemed order of the Supreme Council of Incest. These are people you may recognize who have helped support our cause by promoting incest in culture, either by committing it themselves or displaying it in the works they create," Donny explained. The chairs suddenly swiveled around to face them, and Malcolm and Jessica got their first look at the members of the council. Malcolm recognized a few of them and was shocked at a few of the members. "Let's introduce each of the members to you, one by one," Marie stated. She started at the far end. "You're already familiar with Mr. Freeman and his contributions." "I'm pleased to make your acquaintance. I know that there's a lot going through your head right now, but everything will be clear as a whistle in due time," Morgan Freeman told them in his reassuring voice. Marie went one spot further and introduced an older white man that Malcolm didn't recognize. "This man is director Nick Cassavetes. He made a film promoting incest and then caused a controversy by going to the papers to support incestuous marriage." "Hey, my methods may have been a bit blunt, but it got people talking about incest," Cassavetes smiled. Donny then pointed out the small nebbish of a man in glasses to Cassavetes's left, who Malcolm instantly recognized. "I'm sure you recognize Mr. Woody Allen, and remember him leaving his wife for her daughter that he helped raise." "Thanks for the introduction, Donny," Woody Allen sheepishly replied. "Although I understand if you two have some reservations about this place. After all, I would be hesitant to join any club that would have...." "That would have you as a member, yes, yes, we get it, you say that every time!" a young man with long brown hair sitting next to him snapped. " Geez, I didn't agree to pretend to be gay with my brother on TV just so I would have to listen to the same jokes over and over. You didn't even invent that joke, it's from Mencken!" Donny laughed and introduced the young interrupter as Jared Padalecki, who they were using to tap into the market of homosexuals with repressed incestuous desires through his homoerotic show about two brothers on the CW. They were then introduced to director George Lucas, who had included some unwitting incest in his Star Wars movies by having an attraction between Luke and Leia. Next, they were introduced to Virginia Andrews, an old woman who apparently wrote a popular mainstream incest literary work called "Flowers in the Attic." Marie then acknowledged an extremely obese man with a scraggly beard. "And next we have George R.R. Martin, whose Game of Thrones series and TV show depict incest constantly." "Nice to meet you," George R.R. Martin said as he licked his lips. "So you two are brother and sister? That's my favorite. You two are a regular Jaime and Cersei Lannister." The next member was unmistakable, a young man with brown hair and a thick orange jacket, but Malcolm couldn't believe what he was seeing. "And this man, who I'm sure you recognize, is Marty McFly. He went back in time and got hot and heavy with his own mother!" "Nice to meet you," Marty responded, "I understand you might be the Chosen Ones. This is heavy!" Malcolm stopped them. "Okay, hold the fucking phone for one moment here. I'm pretty damn sure that Marty McFly is a fictional character from a movie. And yet here he is, and he still looks young, nothing like what Michael J. Fox looks like today. What is going on here?" "Hey man, time travel causes some crazy things to happen," Marty responded. "Speaking of which, has either of you seen a 1981 DeLorean car anywhere? I seem to have misplaced it a few days ago." Malcolm decided to let it go, but almost lost it when he was introduced to the last member. "Dey already know me," the last member said in his trademark sneer, "errybody know me. Errybody want to be Tony Montana. Errybody do imitations. Dey pull out the two guns, they say 'Say hello to my little friend.' Dey say about wanting the money and the power and the women. Errybody pretend to be me. But nobody remember that I wanted to fuck my sister. Nobody imitate that part! And that was the whole point of the damn movie!" "Okay, okay," Malcolm paused. "This is nonsense. I KNOW Tony Montana is a fictional character. And also I'm pretty sure he died at the end of the movie." "Hey, spoiler alert, mang!" Tony replied. "I ain't even seen it yet!" "What? You haven't seen your own...how do you...how is that even...." George Lucas decided to speak up and interrupt them. "In all seriousness, I empathize with what Tony is talking about. I made the Star Wars films and they became wildly popular, and everyone started to imitate them. Everyone wants to be a Jedi, everyone pretends to fight with light sabers. Whenever guys walk up to automatic sliding doors, they always wave their hand across first so they can pretend they're opening it with the Force. But no one talks about the romantic passion that Luke and Leia had, and that was the whole reason I created it." "Also, Darth Vader definitely was doing it with Leia at the beginning of Episode 4 when he was interrogating her, right?" Woody Allen added. "Uh, sure, whatever you want," Lucas responded. Malcolm was just about fed up with all this and turned to face Donny, "Okay, now we've met all you. A bunch of celebrities and stuff. Two of them aren't even real." "Also, I've been looking you guys up on my phone as you've been talking and I'm pretty sure Virginia Andrews died, like over 25 years ago," Jessica added. "I got better," Virginia replied. "Okay, whatever," Malcolm continued. "So what the hell is this all about?" "Allow me to explain things," Morgan Freeman said calmly as he got out of his chair and walked over to them. Malcolm and Jessica immediately felt reassured by his dulcet tones. "You see, our order has been involved in a long standing battle. A battle that we need to win. And we feel that you may be the Chosen Ones that the prophecy has talked about." As soon as he mentioned "Chosen Ones," the door opened behind them and a frantic looking man in raggedy clothes with a British accent came out to address everyone. "What's all this about the Chosen Ones? These two can't be the Chosen Ones! Everyone knows that I'm the Chosen One!" the frantic British man yelled out, exasperated. "I'm the most popular incest writer on the ENTIRE INTERNET! I have the most votes! I have the most comments! I have the most contest wins! Of course it was my own fake contests but who cares about that? I've made so much Monopoly money selling my stories that I've even bought a boat! I've also created a 'reader' for my works, for both fans and serious scholars!" A few security guards suddenly grabbed the man and dragged him out of the room, still ranting. "Uh, wait, who was that guy?" Malcolm asked. "Don't know, just some guy that hangs around here looking for attention," Donny responded. "We need to tighten security around here." Morgan Freeman composed himself and continued. He pressed a button and a screen came down in the middle of the room to show images while he talked to Malcolm and Jessica. "You see, you two, incest has been a part of life since life began. Single celled organisms reproduced with themselves. Life itself couldn't go on without incest. That's how mankind came into being. Back in Biblical times, Adam and Eve's children had the burden of populating our planet. Cain and Abel both married their sisters and had children with them, and so on and so forth. And after the great flood, Noah and his family, as well as all of the animals, had to reproduce using incest. "This tradition continued on for ages. Through caveman times, through feudal times, all throughout mankind's history. The pagans, the ancient Greeks, the ancient Egyptians, all committing incest. Royal houses of Europe and Asia married their relatives to keep the bloodlines pure." Freeman then displayed a chart on the screen. It was a graphing chart, with the x-axis showing periods of Earth's history and the y-axis displaying "percentage of incest acceptance." The trajectory of the graph was going downwards. "But as time went on," Freeman continued, "incest became less and less accepted. It started with the Roman Empire, who decided they weren't fond of incest and banned it in their territories. Despite all the incest throughout the Bible, Judeo-Christian religions turned against it as well due to Roman influence. Later on, scientists came in to the picture, they did genetic testing, told everyone incest was wrong. And that brings us to where we are today, with incest considered a taboo, with levels at an all-time low." "Okay, that makes sense," Jessica said. "Thanks for the history lesson. I'm not really in a position to judge since I've been sleeping with my brother, but what's the big deal, exactly? Why are you so obsessed with keeping incest popular?" "Let me show you a few other charts," Freeman responded. He showed them a chart of time versus "human decency," which showed that "human decency" was going down as mankind progressed (although Malcolm had no idea how he quantified that). He then showed the same trends showing that "self-respect," "kindness" and "passiveness" were going down, while "human aggressiveness," "greed," and "potential for worldwide destruction through technology" was going up. "In addition to these human factors, the Earth is also slowly getting destroyed by climate change as businesses carelessly ignore environmental decency, making it weaker, more ripe for attack," Freeman continued. "Okay, so it seems like the gist of what you're saying is that all these bad things have been accumulating over time, while at the same time that incest has been going down," Malcolm interjected, "and you think that the lack of incest is what's causing the aggressiveness, the breakdown of human kind? That's a faulty argument. The bad things you mentioned could be happening just because of the natural progression of time and human nature. Correlation doesn't always mean causation." "Unfortunately, Mr. Rush, in this case we are quite certain that it does." "So what you're saying is that if people are committing incest, it causes them to be happier and better people and stops them from destroying the environment?" Jessica asked. "In one sense, yes," Freeman continued, "but that's not the full story. You see, these negative impulses, they aren't necessarily caused by lack of incest in and of itself. They're caused by an outside source, an evil source that's been sending negative brain waves to humans for eons in order to destroy us so they can take over our planet, and incest helps prevent them." Malcolm was stunned. Was he talking about aliens? Was this real? "And incest can stop these waves?" Jessica asked. "Yes, that's correct, Miss Rush. It just so happens that when a person commits incest, something about the biology involved in the act gives that person resistance to these foreign offending brain waves. Committing incest is about reinforcing your DNA -- you're interacting with someone that has more of your blood, so in a sense you're adding and reinforcing your own internal make-up, making you stronger, making you able to resist the waves. Even in cases where the incest isn't among people who are actually biologically related, such as in my case, the filter of assumed incest causes the brain to think that it's reinforcing itself anyway, thus resisting the waves." Malcolm shook his head. "I can't believe what I'm hearing. So aliens really have been sending brain waves to try to take us over? Those guys who wear the tinfoil on their heads were right all along?" "Well, not exactly aliens, Mr. Rush," Freeman answered. "I believe the more specific term would be....space pirates." "Fucking SPACE PIRATES? Seriously?" "I'm afraid this is quite a serious matter. And we feel you two might be the ones to stop them." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Yarr, matey, I knows what I saws. Saws it with me own good eye through the lookout port. They took 'em and broughts 'ems into their cavern," the space pirate explained to his admiral. "And you're absolutely sure about this?" his admiral, Julius Caesar, responded. "Yarr, as sure as I am that a whale ate my leg." "Thank you for your report, Peg-Leg Pete. I will make sure to report this to the Supreme Commander," Caesar responded. Caesar walked away, dismayed by this news. He paused to take a moment to look at their armada of pirate ships in space as he walked back and forth on the deck. Caesar knew that the news had to be reported, but he wasn't looking forward to upsetting the Supreme Commander. Caesar owed his life to him. After he had been stabbed at the Roman Senate chamber in 44 BC, the Supreme Commander appeared to him and transported him to their space fleet, where Caesar was healed through their advanced technology. This same technology also allowed him to stay alive throughout the millenniums. The Supreme Commander had saved Caesar because of his role in banning incest throughout the Roman territories, one of the first rulers of civilizations to do so. When the Supreme Commander told him of the intentions and purposes of the space pirates, Caesar immediately joined their cause, becoming second-in-command of the operation. He ruminated over the possibilities. If the Incest Council had truly found the Chosen Ones as foretold in the prophecies, their entire operation could be in trouble. He pondered a direct attack, but he knew that would be impossible. The Council was wise to set their base in the heart of rural Kentucky -- the incest vibes there were far too powerful, and the pirates' attacks would have no effect. Caesar sighed as he walked towards the Supreme Commander's throne room. He walked in and saw the Supreme Commander sitting in his chair, draped in a cloak and covered by shadow. Caesar approached him cautiously, and knelt before him. "What news have you, Julius?" the Supreme Commander asked. "Potentially dire news, my Lord. The Incest Council believes that they have found the Chosen Ones, and they have taken harbor in their fortress." "Oh, have they now?" the Supreme Commander cackled. "Well, let's just see about that. We've disposed of some of their so-called 'Chosen Ones' before. What information do you have on them?" "From what the lookout crew has gathered, it seems like it's a brother and sister. Both exceptionally attractive by the standards of modern day America." "How far have they progressed?" "Looks like they're still at the first stage, they recently discovered their lust for each other for the first time. They haven't reached the part where the mom becomes sexually involved yet or anything." "And do you have their names?" Caesar looked down at the report he was handed. "It says here that the names are....Malcolm Rush and Jessica Rush, of Cincinnati in the United States." The Supreme Commander was silent. "I see. Malcolm and Jessica Rush. I have been watching them with great interest for some time. So the time has come at last for them to meet their destiny and challenge us." The Supreme Commander threw back his head and let forth a maniacal evil laughter. Caesar joined him in laughing so that it wouldn't be awkward, even though he wasn't sure what they were laughing about. Eventually the evil laughter subsided. "Arm the fleets, Julius. Prepare for an attack." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Malcolm and Jessica were still trying to process what was happening to them as they stood with the Council in the war room, going over maps and plans. George R.R. Martin, having studied war plans and strategies for his series, was their tactical commander. "So, you see," Martin said as he pointed at some maps, "the space pirates have an armada which they keep hidden a few distances behind the moon. The waves they send out have a cloaking device which renders the fleet invisible to the human eye, unless that person is committing incest, of course." "They also can't be captured by camera, so throughout history, whenever an astronomer who engaged in incest was able to see them, no one believed that person," Donny added. Martin continued. "However, we have located the main ship that holds the Supreme Commander of the pirate fleet on it, as well as his second-in-command. The source of the brainwaves is generated by the Supreme Commander, so if you can get close enough to him and kill him, you can end this war. The plan is to get the two of you on to his ship and blaze through his guards and other space pirates on it to kill the Supreme Commander. That will end the source of the waves, and the war itself." "And, what, you want us to attack them?" Malcolm stammered. "They're in space, how the hell is that possible? How do we even get out there?" "Why, we use my spaceship, of course," George Lucas replied. "You have a spaceship?" "Of course I have a spaceship, I created Star Wars." "Fair enough." "Umm, if you don't mind, I want to ask a question briefly," Woody Allen interjected. "I know we're going on with them about space pirates this, battleship that, but, uh, are we really sure that these two are the Chosen Ones?" "What a stupid question, Woody," Nick Cassavetes interjected in response. "Have you taken a look at these two? First of all, they're in the opening stages of their romantic love. Also, they're probably the most attractive people in the history of the planet to have committed brother/sister incest. Which isn't exactly a surprise, because by looking at them, they might actually be the most attractive people in the history of mankind, period!" Stupidest Incest Story Ever Written "I actually agree with Mr. Allen," Jessica responded, "I don't really understand why the hell those traits have anything to do with us fighting space pirates." "Ah, you see, naïve child," Virginia Andrews replied, "the brainwaves that the pirates send out, they grow stronger the closer you get to their base. No one to this point has committed enough pure and sexy enough incest to be able to withstand being getting close to them without being destroyed by the waves. And you two may be the first." "Destroyed? What? I don't know if I agree with all this," Malcolm said defiantly. "I'm just a normal guy. Sure, I'm romantically in love with my sister, but that certainly pales in comparison to all this weirdness. And here you are trying to get me to risk my life to destroy a group of dangerous evil people. Well, shit, I won't have it! You said that people committing incest are immune to the waves. Well, I sure am doing that, so I guess I don't have anything to worry about. I'm going to fuck my sister as much as possible and be immune to their bullshit, and who gives a shit what else happens. You're not sending me in to space to fight some pirates." "I'm afraid it's not that simple," Morgan Freeman replied. "Do you remember the Mayan prophecy about the end of the world being on December 21st, 2012?" "Well, yeah, sort of." "The basis behind that prophecy is that the Mayans, supporters of incest, were able to capture one of the space pirates and interrogate him. The pirate revealed that December 21st, 2012 was the date that the pirates were planning to launch their attack to conquer the world, as they deemed that by that point the pirates would have incest at a low level by then and be able to destroy us. So, we have very little time left. Unfortunately, our personal incest escapades are not even close to being enough to protect others or the rest of the planet from succumbing to their attack, thereby destroying the world. If we do not destroy them by that point, the war will be lost and the planet will be conquered. So, as you can see, the fate of the world relies on your compliance. You are humanity's last hope." Malcolm sighed, and knew he was resigned to his fate. "I guess we have to do this, then. Alright, so I guess I should engage in some sort of training?" "Unfortunately, there is no time for training," Donny responded to him, "the time to strike is now, when your incest is still new and pure." Malcolm was about to ask what the hell he was talking about when George Lucas suddenly walked up to him. "You'll be using these," Lucas said as he handed Malcolm and Jessica two brightly colored guns. "They're plasma guns, the most effective way to defeat the space pirates. I trust that you know how to use a weapon?" "No, I don't have any combat experience." "Well, you're a stereotypical idealistic male character, so of course you're also good in combat. You'll be just fine." "What about me?" Jessica asked. "I don't have anything like that, and don't know how to use it." "Actually, Jessica," George R.R. Martin responded, "you probably won't need to fire the guns too often. Your main job will be to stimulate Malcolm sexually so that the two of you can raise your incest levels enough to fight off the brainwaves." "We'll be giving you headsets so that we can communicate with you from back at the base," Donny added, "as you get closer and closer to the Supreme Commander, the sex will have to progress further and further along. Marie and I will be telling you what acts you need to be perform as you go along." "Alright then," Jessica replied, "so when are we doing this?" "Take the rest of the day to go over the blueprints of the ship, and then stay the night here. Don't sleep together tonight, we need there to be a lot of sexual tension tomorrow if you want to survive. Tomorrow morning, George Lucas will fly you close enough with the Millennium Falcon so that you can be beamed into the main pirate ship." "I can only get you so far," Lucas added, "because my level of incest isn't high enough to withstand close proximity. Once we're close enough I can beam you in." Tony Montana had been sitting in silence the whole time, and then finally spoke up. "Tony Montana be going wid' dem." "Tony, that's insane," Lucas responded, "you'll never be able to withstand the waves. You'll be destroyed!" "Eh, mebbe, who cares, I don't fuckin' trust anybody but me, dat's what I know. Dose waves, they won't affect me, my brain's covered by a barrier of fuckin' cocaine they'll have to get through first. Dese fuckin' pirates, mang, 'dere all a bunch of assholes. 'Dey deserve to get fucked like the pussies 'dey are. And ole Tony here, I wanna come out at them swinging my dick around, blaze a path for dese guys, create a distraction. I ain' planning on lasting long, or coming back." "Wow, Tony," Donny responded, "you're really willing to risk your life for this to help out our chances? That is a very heroic and noble sacrifice. If you're capable of an act as generous as that, how did you end up becoming a lowlife drug dealing criminal?" "Because..." Tony responded, then paused remorsefully. "Yes? Because why?" "Because FUCK YOU, that's why!" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Malcolm was apprehensive as he sat in the back of the Millennium Falcon as they left Earth's atmosphere. George Lucas was piloting the ship. He brought along one of his adopted daughters, who was under the control panel giving him fellatio in order to help him fend off the brain waves as they approached proximity. Jared Padalecki was forced to come along as well, as George Lucas needed a co-pilot. To help him fend off the brainwaves, he was forced to read a long series of erotic "Supernatural" fan fiction about his character. "I still don't understand why I get all the crappy jobs," Padalecki said at one point. "I'm not even gay, and yet I am forced to read all this nonsense. You guys couldn't have given me a show about a brother and sister detective team instead?" "Shut up, Jared," Lucas responded. "You'll read crappy internet stories about you having gay sex with your brother and you'll like it." Malcolm and Jessica sat in the back nervously, continuing to go over blueprints of the pirate ship. They had more or less planned their course of attack, but were still nervous. "Are you ready for this, sis?" Malcolm asked. "How are you feeling?" "A bit nervous," Jessica blushed as she responded, "but I guess we have to do what we have to do." "Listen, sister, I know that this is a trying time for both of us. But there are several things we need to remember, about ourselves, and about our mission. The first is...." SNOOOOORT Malcolm had planned on making an epic and inspiring speech, but he kept getting interrupted by the loud noises of Tony Montana vigorously inhaling a giant pile of cocaine on the spaceship's dashboard. Malcolm turned to him, "Uh, hey, Mr. Montana, would you mind not doing that, for like, one minute?" Montana finished inhaling and then yelled at him. "You ain' in any spot to be giving orders, you fuckin' cockroach! I came to America because I was getting fuckin' sick of taking orders from Castro, I don't need to be takin' no orders from some kid whose balls ain't even dropped, mang." "Okay, okay! Sorry I asked." Finally Padalecki came back from the cockpit and led the three of them to the transporter room. "We're finally close enough that you can be beamed aboard, do you all know all the steps of the plan?" "We do," Jessica responded as the three of them adjusted their earpieces and armed their guns. "You beam Malcolm and I to the vent near the latrine, we knock out a pirate and a wench and take their clothes and try to get as close as possible. When we feel our cover has been blown, we signal for Tony to pop out of the storage room you beamed him into, guns blazing." "Very well. Godspeed." "Jus' push the fuckin' button, you fuckin' cocksucker. And I means that literally in this case," Tony chimed in. "For the last time, Tony, I AM NOT ACTUALLY GAY IN REAL LIFE!" Padalecki shook his head then pressed some buttons on the transporter and beamed the three of them onto the ship. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Malcolm closed his eyes, and when he opened them again he was lying sideways next to Jessica in a cramped vent. He looked outside the vent and was looking at an old latrine, with several stalls. He heard Marie Osmond's voice in his earpiece. "Malcolm, Jessica, do you copy? Are you aboard?" "Signal clear, we are aboard," he whispered to his headset. He looked into the latrine from the vent. Luckily, a scrawny pirate with a large orange beard was using one of the stalls to take a wench from behind. "Yarr, wench, your pussy is tighter than a whale's blowhole! And I would knows, as I've fucked plenty of those before!" the pirate yelled out. "Oh, yes, Barnacle Bill! Shove your longsword deeper into me!" the wench replied. "Yarr, I sure do love plundering this booty, it really...." he paused as he felt something press into the back of his neck. "Shiver me timbers! What in the name of Davy Jones's locker is that?" The plasma gun he suddenly felt at the back of his neck fired as the pirate collapsed on the floor. The wench panicked for a moment, but stopped when she looked at Malcolm holding the gun and smiled. "Oh my, you're quite clean shaven for an old sea hand! Did you kill him because you wanted your turn with me?" Jessica rolled her eyes, walked up from behind Malcolm and took care of her as well. The two of them quickly undressed the corpses and put on their foul smelling clothes. Malcolm supposed he should feel some sort of remorse that he had killed a man for the first time. This situation was so surreal, however, that he didn't have any time to think about anything like that. He looked himself in the mirror briefly. He looked ridiculous wearing the pirate's outfit and Jolly Roger hat. He wished he would have brought a fake beard or something to make it look at least somewhat realistic. Then he turned to Jessica, and smiled as he saw his beloved undress and then put on the new clothes. "Hey sis, you still look hot even dressed in that wench's rags." "Good to hear you say that, I feel like I just came out of a dumpster, wearing these things. Maybe if we get back in one piece we can use this scenario as an inspiration for roleplay later," she smiled seductively. They suddenly heard Donny in their ear. "Be careful as you walk out. I'm assuming you don't look the parts, but try to walk and speak like old timey pirates to try to avoid suspicion. " Malcolm cautiously opened the door and walked out into a crowded mess hall. He walked outside into it, facing a large amount of drunken pirates cavorting about. As he entered with Jessica behind him, and a few pirates turned to him and started to cheer. "Aye, look at old Barnacle Bill, getting his rocks off!" a burly black haired pirate yelled at him as he walked up to Malcolm and clasped him on the back. "I think this is your first one since you took that green-skinned lass from Andromeda 7! Looks like this one forced you to shave that mangy beard off beforehand, smart choice by her!" How the hell did he not notice anything was different besides the lack of beard? Malcolm's puzzlement turned to fear as that pirate soon grabbed Jessica by the hand and started to walk towards the latrine door with her. "Yarr, and now it be old Black Tom's turn with this comely wench!" Malcolm was petrified. Jessica was his personal treasure, his true love. He was horrified at the possibilities. Would she have to give in to this disgusting pirate in order to keep their cover? Did they have any other options? Luckily, Jessica was always fast on her feet. "Hold it there, matey," Jessica replied to him in a fake pirate accent, "Old Bill here is hung like a whale, I won't be able to sit right for a week! This wench needs some time to recuperate first!" To Malcolm's relief, the large pirate laughed and backed off. "Arr, so the rumors are true, eh? Good for you, Bill, you've got nothing but doubloons in your head so I guess you needed to be good for something in some department! Aye, someone find me a different wench, and get me a bottle of rum!" Malcolm and Jessica left the mess hall, relieved. "Remember, guys," Marie suddenly said in their ear, "you're some distance from the center of the brainwave emitter right now, but as you get closer, you're going to have to engage in some foreplay and then sexual activity in order to make it through. From what our information has gathered, these horny pirates are always going at it with their wenches in public places, so it hopefully won't be too suspicious." The two of them continued to walk down hallways towards central control, trying not to make any eye contact with the passing pirates. Malcolm noticed that the décor of the ship's hallways was a combination of old timey pirate ship elements mixed with futuristic space ship elements and technology. As they continued closer and closer to the ship's deck, Marie instructed them that Jessica now had to start rubbing the outside of Malcolm's pants as they walked, which she complied with. A few of the pirates they passed started to chuckle when they walked past and witnessed this, but didn't seem to find it unusual. Suddenly, an alarm came over the loudspeakers. "Shit, have we been caught?" Malcolm thought to himself. "ATTENTION MATEYS! ATTENTION MATEYS! Admiral Caesar requests all hands on deck for a mission briefing!" the loudspeaker voice yelled. Malcolm sighed in relief that it was simply a briefing, but was still nervous as he assumed he would have to attend, and that an admiral might be more intelligent than these ground level pirates and more able to see through his flimsy disguise. Also, what the hell kind of pirate name is "Caesar?" As in Julius Caesar? "Be careful, guys," Donny said in his earpiece. "The central deck is much closer to the source of the brainwaves, and Jessica can't attend the crew meeting. You're going to have to go into a closet first and Jessica is going to have to suck you off for a bit to give you enough incest afterglow to be immune to the waves for a short while. You're going to have to finish in her mouth." The two of them ducked into a closet, and Malcolm whipped out his dick through his pirate pants, which was luckily already hard from her stroking him as they walked. Jessica dropped to the floor and put her mouth on it as she started to suck it vigorously. "This might take awhile, won't they notice my absence?" Malcolm asked Donny and Marie through his communicator. "They're pirates, they take awhile to organize since they're all off getting drunk in various parts of the ship. Also the ship is quite large so it takes some of them awhile to all get to the central deck, so you have fifteen to twenty minutes. Don't linger too long, though," Donny responded. Malcolm looked down into Jessica's beautiful blue eyes as she moved her lips back and forth and started to fondle his balls. "This course of action won't be enough, guys," Marie told them, "you can't do this in silence; you need more incestuous dirty talk. Do it, pretend like it's your first time! Call each other brother and sister as much as you can, go crazy with it, talk about how wrong it is or whatever." Jessica took her lips off his cock for a minute, creating a popping sound. "Oh, beloved little brother, I want your cock so badly. I can't believe I am able to touch and taste it." Malcolm felt a bit weird about being forced to use these type of phrases -- their love was pure and true, this exaggerated talk almost seemed to be making a mockery of it. Still, the fate of the world was on the line, so he went along. "This is wrong, sister," Malcolm responded as he grabbed the back of her head and shoved it back onto his cock. "This is incest, we are not supposed to be doing this. Sisters are not supposed to suck their brothers' cocks. But that's probably why I like it so much. Please continue taking my dick, sister." After about 15 minutes of this Malcolm was ready to cum, and he unleashed his semen down Jessica's throat as they got up to compose themselves. Malcolm was apprehensive about being here and his mission before, but felt much better and more confident now that his sister sucked him off. He could see that what Morgan Freeman said earlier about incest reinforcing positive genetics and creating good vibes was true. Jessica ran to hide in a nearby closet close to the central deck, while Malcolm entered the central deck with dozens of other pirates and stood in line with the rest of the rank and file. Malcolm stood next to a burly older pirate with an eyepatch and a wooden leg, who turned to him. "Yarr, goods to see you, Barnacle Bill. I see you've shaved off that mangy orange mop on yer face." "Huh? Oh, right, yes, I sure did. I mean, umm, I sure did...matey. Yarr, yo ho, yo ho, and a bottle of rum and all that," Malcolm responded. Okay, seriously, how the fuck did none of them realize he wasn't the same person? Suddenly, the doors to the central deck opened and out walked a man dressed in traditional ancient Roman garb, who stood out in stark contrast to the disheveled ragtag group of pirates. "What was up with this guy?" Malcolm thought to himself. "The loudspeaker said he was 'Admiral Caesar,' he couldn't actually be Julius Caesar, could he be? That would probably be the 17th or 18th most bizarre thing I've seen in the last few days." Caesar began to speak, addressing all the pirates in the crowd. "Listen up, you band of old seahands. We have a challenge on our hands. Back in my day in ancient Rome, I was more typically used to working with trained soldiers. But I've been around you for so many centuries that I've seen what you're capable of, and I know the Supreme Commander and I can count on you to destroy this threat to our existence and our mission. We're going to need all of your strengths, because we are under attack." The pirates murmured and gasped. One from the crowd asked "Yarr, what kind of attack, Admiral?" "Our archenemies, the Council of Incest, believes they have found the 'Chosen Ones' and they have sent them to destroy us. They are most likely already on the ship, maybe even dressed as one of you to try to infiltrate us. Seek them out, and destroy them," Caesar responded. He then turned towards one of the pirates. "Peg-Leg Pete, as our lookout man, have you seen any hostile spaceships in the area?" "Aye, indeed I haves, sir," Peg-Leg Pete responded, "just a glimmer o' one, which dodged us before it escaped. Those scallywags are most certainly aboard." "Unfortunate," Caesar responded. He then turned towards Malcolm's section of the crowd. "Barnacle Bill, as our head of security, have you noticed any breaches?" There were a few moments of silence. Malcolm wasn't sure what was going on. Then he remembered. Oh crap. HE was Barnacle Bill. He slowly resolved himself to speak. "Umm, no sir, not yet sir...matey...sir," Malcolm hesitantly replied. "Those...snakebit...sons of biscuit eaters...haven't made their move yet. But we'll have them walk the plank soon enough. Shiver me timbers, avast, and so forth and so on." "Very well," Caesar responded with a wry smile. "Everyone back to their stations and prepare." Malcolm was relieved that he somehow wasn't discovered, and he started to walk down the hallway before Caesar stopped him. "Except you, Barnacle Bill. I need to have a discussion with you." "Um, aye, yes, of course, sir." Julius Caesar walked up to Malcolm, and eyed him up and down closely. Crap. Malcolm knew he blew it. He wondered what was going to happen now, if he had to make a move. Stupidest Incest Story Ever Written "You know, Bill, I've never seen you without that giant unseemly orange beard of yours before," Caesar told him. "Yarr, yes sir. Had to cut it off. Getting more unruly than a....uh, squid...in a...umm....tempest." "Don't grow it back. You look good without it," Caesar responded. To Malcolm's horror, Caesar walked up to him and stroked his cheek. "You know Bill, back in the ancient Roman times that I came from, we didn't have these restricting definitions like 'homosexual' or 'heterosexual.' The only thing that mattered was if we liked what we saw." The man he was now sure was the real Julius Caesar slowly leaned in and whispered in Malcolm's ear. "And if we liked what we saw, we took it. Please, Bill, come with me to my bedchamber. That's not a request...that's an order." Shit. Shit. Malcolm couldn't believe the predicament he was in. Julius Caesar, the Roman general and statesman who helped transform the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire, wanted to have gay sex with him on a pirate ship in space. Should he go along with it to preserve his cover? What could he do? He eventually realized there was only one option. He tapped his headpiece. "Tony, NOW!" Malcolm sprinted out of the way back to the closet Jessica was in for cover, as a storage room on the upstairs deck in the central room suddenly burst open, and Tony Montana burst out with two automatic firing plasma machine guns. "Heys you fuckin' space pussies! Say hello to my little friends!" Tony started blazing plasma bullets everywhere as the pirates reacted and started to fire back in his direction. Since there was a large concentration of pirates in the area, Tony took down several of them at once. Hidden in the storage closet with Jessica, Malcolm was instructed by Marie to put his hand down her pants and started to finger her as they watched the scene outside. "Come on! How you like that, huh?" he heard Tony yell as he continued to fire. "Who you think you fuckin' with, mang? I'm Tony Montana. You fuck with me, you fuck with the best!" "Malcolm, Jessica, listen," they heard Marie yell into their headsets, "you need to act now. Tony is acting as a distraction, but he won't last long before he's gunned down. You need to try to make your way towards the Supreme Commander's chamber. You can't resist the waves the way you are now, you need to perform a standing 69 while on the move." Malcolm took his cock out of his pants while Jessica took off the wench's dress and then her panties, leaving her only in her bra. She walked over to Malcolm's cock and began to kiss it until it got hard again. As soon as it did, he lifted her and flipped her upside down in front of him. Her legs wrapped around his neck as he was presented with her pussy. Luckily she was shorter than him, so he still had a line of sight. He held on tight to her back with his left hand while brandishing his gun in his right, while Jessica did the same so they could fire in both directions. Jessica put his cock back in her mouth and he started to lick at her pussy, and then started to walk towards the door of the closet. It was hard to balance while walking at first, but as they got into it Malcolm started to feel stronger and more confident and began to walk more briskly. He kicked the closet door open. A pirate was right outside, firing his gun in Tony's direction as the battle continued. "Yarr, you sure are a coward, Bill," the pirate next to them said once he saw them come out. "Gettin' your jollies in while getting a lass to act as a human shield during battle. Great idea, wish I had thought of it!" Malcolm fired a few token shots of his gun in Tony's general direction, making sure to miss, while slowly backing away down the hallway towards their destination. He continued to watch Tony fire from the balcony, taking down several of the pirates as the gunshots missed around him. "You think you cockroaches can take me?" he heard Tony yell. "You'se gonna need a fucking army if you wanna take me!" "We do have an army!" one of the pirates in the crowd yelled back. "Hmm, dat's a good point. But FUCK YOU anyway!" The gunshots continued to fly as Malcolm backed away while holding Jessica. Finally, he watched in apprehension as a pirate walked up behind Tony with a shotgun and pressed it up against him. "Eh, I'm so scared, ah?" were Tony Montana's last words, as the pirate fired and Tony's dead body keeled over the balcony, falling into the fountain of water below, filling it with blood. Malcolm couldn't help but feel remorse at the sacrifice the man had made for him, even though he was an insane cocaine-addicted murderer and it didn't make any sense for him to exist in the flesh in the first place. Malcolm focused on the task at hand and shook it off as continued to walk the hallways towards his destination. As he got closer, he started to feel a bit woozy, so he licked Jessica's pussy more enthusiastically. "Oh, dear sister, I'm so glad to be able to taste you for the first time." As he walked away, he heard some pirates cheering. He heard various chants of "We got him!" and "We got the Chosen One!" He was relieved; maybe he could be able to stroll into the Supreme Commander's chambers without attracting notice. Suddenly, he heard Caesar's voice on the loudspeaker, and his relief was gone. "Idiots," Caesar's voice belted, "that coked-up sleazebag wasn't the Chosen One, that was clearly just a distraction! The REAL Chosen One is currently disguised as Barnacle Bill, I heard him call out for the distraction. He's somewhere, probably with a female. Find them and take them down!" Uh oh. The gig was up. Malcolm looked at the hallway he was currently in, and luckily the coast seemed clear for now. However, as he came to turn a corner, he heard two pirates walking towards him on the other side, talking. "Yarr, I can't believse Barnacle Bill is the Chosen One," he heard one pirate say to the other. "Never thoughts he had it in him. Hate to take him down, he once helped cure my scurvy." Malcolm took a deep breath, held out his gun, then quickly turned the corner to face the two. He took two quick shots of his plasma gun, taking them both out before they had a chance to react. Unfortunately, the gunshots attracted attention, and he heard other pirates running towards him. Malcolm knew he needed to run now, but needed more energy. Marie's voice spoke to him in his earpiece. "You've been discovered, you need to move faster now. Stop the 69ing, you need to insert yourself in Jessica and run while making love to her. Don't forget to talk dirty!" The two paused for a moment to readjust themselves and he let Jessica down so she could stand. "Oh brother, I can't wait to feel you inside of me," Jessica told him as she turned to face him, "please fuck me, little brother." "I've been waiting for this day for so long, sister," he replied as she jumped on him and straddled him. She wrapped her legs around his back and lowered herself onto his cock as he entered her. Their left arms interlocked behind each other's backs as they held out their guns in opposite directions with their right arms. They charged full speed ahead, as Jessica bounced up and down on him and moaned. Another pirate soon charged towards them, and Malcolm shot him in the head. He heard another two pirates coming from behind them, but Jessica was able to shoot them both without Malcolm needing to turn around. Eventually they reached an open area with several entrances and noticed a barrage of pirates charging towards them in several directions. Malcolm fired at a few of them, and then began to spin himself and Jessica around the room so they could fire at every possible direction. They let loose with their gunfire as they spinned around, taking down pirates everywhere. Jessica's eyes started to roll into the back of their head. "Oh brother, I'm going to cum! I'm going to cum all over your cock as we kill space pirates!" She let out a large moan as Malcolm felt her juices surround his cock. At the moment she orgasmed, Jessica also let loose a large plasma blast that took down three pirates at once. Eventually they had formed a path, and continued to run towards their destination as Jessica continued bouncing on him. They were only two hallways away from the Supreme Commander's chambers. At the second to last hallway, he walked in to see Julius Caesar waiting for him, alone. Malcolm backed away for a moment, and he noticed that Caesar wasn't holding a gun, but instead holding two swords, one in each hand. "Ah, so you must be Malcolm Rush. We meet at last," Caesar laughed. "In retrospect I should have noticed that it didn't make any sense for Barnacle Bill to look as immaculate as you do. I see that the prophecy has selected their Chosen One well." "My sister is also a Chosen One," Malcolm replied as she bucked up and down on his cock. "It's not just me. So I guess we're the Chosen Two, technically. Anyway, what do you want?" "Put down your crude weapon," Caesar responded as he took the sword in his left hand and tossed it forwards, where it landed on the floor a foot in front of Malcolm, "and pick up this one. We will engage in a more sophisticated type of duel. Fight me in hand to hand combat, the way it's meant to be." "Uhhh...no thanks." Malcolm then raised his gun to shoot Caesar in the face, killing him. "I'm surprised he didn't recommend Greco-Roman wrestling," Jessica laughed. They went further, and finally reached the hallway before the Supreme Commander's chambers. Malcolm stuck his head out the corner for one moment to face their destination. Crap. There were dozens and dozens of pirates guarding the Supreme Commander's chambers, all armed and ready for him. There was no way they would be able to survive this. He went with Jessica and ducked into a nearby hallway. Think. Think. Finally, the ship's intercom turned on again. This time, it was a new voice he hadn't heard before. A deeper, more booming and powerful voice. It must be the Supreme Commander. "Leave the intruders unharmed," the Supreme Commander said in a commanding tone. "Have them put their weapons down and then allow them access to my quarters. I wish to deal with them personally." Malcolm didn't know what to think about this. He knew he didn't stand a chance going forward and charging the pirates there, but this seemed sinister and suspicious. "I don't know about this, guys," Donny warned him in his ear. "That sounds like a trap." "I don't think we have any other options," Malcolm whispered to him. "There are too many guards for us to get in there otherwise." "Fine, do what you may," he heard Marie respond, "but before you do, you guys need to finish consummating. The only way you can survive in there with such close proximity to the Supreme Commander is if you both achieve orgasm at the same time, which will give you a five to eight minute window of afterglow that you can use to survive being in the Supreme Commander's throne room." Malcolm didn't have to be told twice. They ducked into the empty quarters of one of the pirate's rooms and closed the door behind them. He set Jessica down missionary style on the floor, then took his pants completely off. He then went up to her and re-entered her as he gave her a passionate kiss then leaned back to look in her eyes. "Oh, Malcolm," Jessica moaned as she thrashed back and forth. "You dirty boy, you're going to make your sister cum again." "I'm going to cum, too, sis. I'm going to cum deep inside your pussy." "Do it, Malcolm," Jessica started to yell. "Do it. Make me complete. You own this fucking pussy. I want to feel you deep inside me as I cum too." He finally was at the breaking point, and unleashed himself inside the woman he loved as she unleashed her own juices in turn simultaneously. He rolled off of her, enjoying the sensation of their combined juices, and leaned in to passionately kiss her again. He knew he had a difficult task ahead. Everything that was happening was surreal and made no sense, and his life was in danger, and he was in constant peril. But fuck that. After that experience, he knew he could take on anything. Then he remembered that he was pressed for time. He started to put his pants back on while Jessica rummaged through the pirate's closet to find a shirt large enough to throw on her as she came out, and threw one on. Jessica then stepped outside the room for a moment, and came back holding a gun. "I got this off the corpse of one of the pirates that was in our path," she said. "They know we have two guns each, so we should show them that we put those two down but keep this one hidden as we reach the Supreme Commander." "You were always the smart one, sis," he smiled. "So where do we hide it?" "Well, these pirates enjoy their wenches, so they're obviously not gay. And that means there's only one place they won't want to touch if they have to give us a pat-down for weapons before letting us enter." She walked up to him and started to stick the gun down the front of his pants. "Woah, hey now," he said as he backed away. "I don't know if I want a weapon so close to my, uh, weapon. Those things might go off accidentally." "Look, I'll turn the safety on. Trust me, it will work. No one values that thing more than me, I wouldn't risk it." "If you say so," Malcolm hesitantly responded. He knew he had to trust her. After she fit the gun down his pants, the two of them then slowly walked out into the hallway, with their hands raised. They eventually turned the corner to face the Supreme Commander's chambers, and faced the pirates guarding it. Before approaching, the two of them threw their plasma guns onto the ground and walked forward with their hands in the air. The pirates had formed a line on either side to let them pass through, albeit scowling and taunting the entire time. They eventually approached the door. "Hold it right there, matey," one of the pirates responded. "Before ye enter, we's gots to see if you've any concealed weapons." The pirate quickly gave a brief pat-down of Jessica. Based on the fact that she was just wearing an oversized shirt that covered her, it was pretty obvious she wasn't holding anything, so that part didn't take long. Then he moved to Malcolm. Malcolm was nervous as the pirate started to feel the sides of his pants pockets, his front pocket, wondering if he would ever move forward on his pants and feel it... "Yarr, guess you're all clear." Malcolm was relieved beyond relief. Jessica's gamble had paid off. Suddenly, the door opened in front of them and they walked into a musky and dimly lit chamber. The door then closed behind them. The two of them started to walk forward. Eventually the lights became clearer and it appeared that they were in some sort of throne room. A few feet away, there were steps that led up to a throne. Sitting in the throne was a cloaked figure wrapped in darkness. Malcolm couldn't make out any distinguishing features, but it was unmistakable: this was the Supreme Commander. He heard a cackling laugh and a menacing voice. "Well, well, well. Malcolm and Jessica Rush. We meet at last. I've been watching you with great interest for some time. How convenient that you have decided to come to me." Malcolm took a few defiant steps forward. "Reveal yourself, coward. What do you want with us? "A big talker," the Supreme Commander laughed. "But, very well, I suppose you should know who you are dealing with." The Commander got up from his throne, threw back his hood, and slowly walked towards them in the light. "I'm sure you recognize me." Malcolm looked into the Supreme Commander's face in shock as he revealed himself. He recognized the face immediately. The Supreme Commander was an extremely attractive man in his late 40's, with short brown hair. Malcolm looked into his facial features and had no doubt as to who it was. "It's apparent that you recognize me. Surprised to see me?" the Supreme Commander responded. Malcolm paused for a moment then composed himself. It was him. Malcolm Rush. The Supreme Commander was an older version of himself. How was this possible? "It's...you're...me. You're me from the future. How is that possible?" The Supreme Commander had a dumbfounded expression on his face, and then scoffed. "You from the future? You think I'm you from the future? You narcissistic idiot!" "Malcolm, that isn't you," Jessica turned to him and said. "You don't even have the same color eyes. That's actor Brad Pitt." "Oh!" Malcolm was relieved. "Oh, that makes more sense. Everyone is always saying that I look just like a young version of you, except..." "...except maybe more attractive, yes. Yes, trust me, I know. And that is why I have been hell bent on destroying you," Brad Pitt responded. "Actually, this still doesn't make sense," Jessica added. "You're a successful actor, why are you in space leading a group of space pirates that have apparently existed for centuries?" "A good question," Pitt replied. He put his hands behind his back and began to pace the room. "You remember who I'm supposedly currently married to, yes?" "Yeah, Angelina Jolie. What about her?" Jessica responded. "Well, do you remember the controversy she stirred several years ago?" "That she adopted like 14 African kids?" "No, the other one." "That she used to carry Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck?" "No, the other one!" "Oh!" Jessica suddenly realized. "When she made out with her brother on the red carpet and then said in her acceptance speech that she was in love with him." "That's the one," Pitt menacingly smiled. "I thought nothing of it when I married her -- just that it was another one of her quirks. Of course, I noticed some more strangeness between them whenever James would come over to visit for holidays and whatnot, but accepted it as just a quirk of their family. That is, until, one night when I surprised her with a visit to her trailer while she was filming a movie...and I heard them. She was cheating on me. She was cheating on me with her own brother. And ever since then, I've dedicated my life to wiping out incest." "Okay, okay," Malcolm finally spoke up to say. "This still doesn't make sense. That must have happened pretty recently. These space pirates have existed for centuries, apparently." "That is true...but don't you remember that one of your little friends misplaced something recently?" Malcolm didn't remember what he was talking about, but then Pitt pressed a button and a door opened in the throne room, revealing a car. A 1981 DeLorean. The time machine Marty McFly had said that he lost. Pitt walked over to the car and put his hand on it in an admiring fashion. "Ah yes, once I stole that fool's time machine, the world was my oyster. I went to the future to steal an armada of space ships, advanced medical equipment and technology to help keep us from aging, and brainwave manipulation technology, then into the past to recruit a gang of some of the nastiest pirates throughout history to serve as my crew. And then it was just a matter of traveling back into the past enough to let the brainwaves unleash themselves." "That was seriously your plan? You caught your wife having sex with her brother so you did all of this shit instead of having her get counseling or something and then launching some sort of incest awareness campaign or something a normal person would do? And now you're trying to take over the world or something?" Malcolm asked, dumbfounded. "Well, you see," Pitt continued, "once I had all this at my disposal, I realized that I might as well use it to take over the world. Because who wouldn't want that? I knew I was certainly the man to rule it. Everyone always said I was the most awesome person in the world, I was always the first name people mentioned whenever they thought 'name the first attractive male you can think of off the top of your head.' The world would be a better place under my rule, so I knew I should conquer it. Stupidest Incest Story Ever Written "Unfortunately," he continued to explain, "the brainwaves are generated by me, and somehow they sensed that I was fueled by a hatred of incest, so in an ironic twist, incest became the one thing that could resist them." While Pitt continued to explain his plan to them for reasons Malcolm didn't understand, Jessica started to reach her hands down Malcolm's pants. She stroked his cock at first, but also kept control of the gun she had stashed down there. "Ah, so your afterglow is wearing off and you feel the need to touch each other to resist the waves. In this close proximity, it won't last long, so enjoy it while you can," Pitt smugly replied. "Please continue explaining," Jessica said. "This still doesn't explain what Malcolm and I have to do with anything." "Ah, yes, a good question. You see, I was always so confident that I was the perfect person -- the most attractive male on earth, the best fit to rule. But then, when I stated to hear reports of your brother..." Jessica suddenly yanked the gun out of Malcolm's pants, turned the safety off, and shot Brad Pitt twice in the chest. Pitt stammered backwards and fell on the floor, bloodied but still alive. "Oh, shit!" Pitt yelled out. "Goddamnit, you caught me monologuing! I guess I should have just killed you instead of standing there explaining all of my plans. I told myself I wouldn't do that, but I've been involved in movies for so long, it only seemed like the natural thing to do." Malcolm took the gun from Jessica, then walked up to Brad Pitt and pointed it at his head. "I guess you got me, you motherfuckers," Pitt replied as he coughed up some blood. "Or have you two not gotten to the point where you fuck your mother yet?" Malcolm fired the gun, killing him. Jessica and him ran over to the DeLorean and put their hands on it. They heard the murmur of some pirates stirring behind them....and then some explosions. They looked out through the viewport and saw the other ships in the space armada exploding, and then they felt the ground rock as this one was obviously about to explode as well. "George and Jared, beam us out, NOW!" Malcolm yelled into his speaker. "And make room for some additional cargo." "Roger that," they heard George Lucas reply, and they soon felt themselves being teleported to safety. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Malcolm and Jessica sat in silence, looking at each other as the Millennium Falcon landed safely back on earth at the Council's base. Malcolm didn't know what to think. The situation had all seemed so surreal, like he was in a dream. But as he sat in the back of the spaceship, he looked into his beloved sister's beautiful eyes, and knew everything was right. "We did it, bro," Jessica said proudly, "we saved the world." "YOU saved the world," Malcolm said as he dipped her in for a kiss. "You were the one who thought of hiding the gun in a place they wouldn't look. And I would have been destroyed if you hadn't been there for me." Jessica gave him a playful jab on the chin. "You weren't too bad yourself, kiddo." The doorways opened, and the two of them walked down to greet the other members of the Council of Incest who were down there cheering for them. Including, to Malcolm's shock, Tony Montana. "Hey, Tony, uh, how are you here? I definitely watched you get killed in there," Malcolm asked him. "Oh, right, datat thing," Tony replied. "Don't worry about dat. I'm a fictional character, mang, I can't die." "......Fair enough." He wasn't going to question it. He continued to greet the rest of the council as they cheered and clapped the two of them on the back. "Oh, wow, you guys found my time machine!" Marty McFly told them as he ran into the ship and saw it. "Too bad it fell into the wrong hands and caused all this mess in the first place. Whoops! I should probably get a steering wheel lock or something. Anyway, I'd better return this to the Doc before he gets pissed!" Finally Malcolm and Jessica approached Donny and Marie, and they exchanged hugs. "I can't believe we did it," Donny said, "after all these years, you finally stopped them." "Where do we go from here?" Malcolm asked. "You go back and live your lives, and enjoy each other," Marie responded warmly. Malcolm turned and looked into Jessica's eyes, and dipped her in for a warm kiss. "Let's get home, little brother," Jessica said as she detached herself and laughed. "I'm pretty sure you have school tomorrow." "I think I'm going to call in sick and spend the day at home," Malcolm laughed. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Malcolm Rush opened his eyes and woke up in his bed. He gathered himself as he got up. He felt pretty proud of himself, having some time to rest after saving the.... Wait. His head started to unfog a bit more as he slapped himself. "You idiot," he thought to himself, "that was just a dream." Of course it was. The Council of Incest, space pirates, Tony Montana, Brad Pitt trying to take over the world. What nonsense dreams can create in your head, he said as he laughed to himself. No matter. He and Jessica had finally discovered each other. He had finally gotten what he always.... Wait. No, no, no. It can't be. She was so eager to jump in bed with him, express her desires with no expectations. It wasn't realistic, he thought to himself. And it happened just before all the craziness. It was all in a haze in his head. It was too good to be true. Sadly, he realized his memory of him finally sleeping with Jessica must have been a part of the dream as well. He sat on the bed and buried his head in his hands. This was the worst feeling -- to feel like you've finally found love, real, intimate, physical love, and then realize it was all in your head. But still, that part felt real. Maybe that part wasn't a dream. Jessica, the real Jessica, was probably downstairs right now. He had to know. Malcolm put on his clothes and slowly walked downstairs. Their parents were still gone on vacation. He heard Jessica in the kitchen, fixing breakfast. He slowly walked into the kitchen while she was there. "Morning, bro!" Jessica said as she greeted him. "Any preferences for breakfast?" He was tempted to say "you," to put an end to the questions in his head. But he knew it was a bad idea. His incestuous desires were probably his own burden, to suffer alone, in his mind and in his dreams. "Uh, I don't know. No real preferences. Whatever you're having, I guess." "Really?" Jessica said as she turned to him. "No preferences at all?" "Uh, nope. Anything is fine." She frowned and then walked over to him. "You know," she said with a smile, "after everything that happened last night, I was really hoping you were going to say 'me.' I guess you still have time to work on the romantic side of things, little bro." She reached in and kissed him on the lips. Malcolm almost felt like crying. It was the real. The part where he and Jessica explored their love -- that part was real. "Now why don't we put breakfast on hold and go into the bedroom?" she said with a seductive smile "Sounds like a plan to me," Malcolm said as she grabbed his hand and led him upstairs. They walked into his bedroom as they continued to kiss. She suddenly turned away to ask a question. "So, brother," she said with a smile, "what did you think when I suggested that pirate and wench roleplay when we were on the spaceship? You want to try it out?" Malcolm had never been more shocked in his life. That part...no, that couldn't have... "Sis, what are you talking about? I thought that part was all a..." "A dream?" Jessica responded. "It was all so bizarre, I thought the same thing when I woke up today. But no, my doubts were put to rest this morning when Tony Montana showed up to our house asking if we wanted to buy some cocaine off him." She got on her knees and undid Malcolm's belt as she took his cock out. "Now how about we give ourselves a little reward for saving the world," she said with a smile. "By the way, you never answered my question. Any desire for that little bit of roleplay?" Malcolm laughed. "No, no need for roleplay. I'm perfectly happy with what I have in front of me right now." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ EPILOGUE One year later, Malcolm and Jessica were sitting on the bench of the front porch of their house. Malcolm stroked her stomach lovingly -- her belly was somewhat swollen, as she was two months pregnant with his child. When they informed their parents and friends of this fact, they had been hesitant at first but relented when informed of the true love between the two of them. Malcolm looked into her eyes as they sat on the front porch. He stroked her hair lovingly. Suddenly, they heard a large booming noise, and the sound of tires screeching. "What the hell is that?" Jessica asked, and the two of them looked in their front yard to find a car suddenly appear. The 1981 DeLorean. A frazzled man in a yellow lab coat suddenly sprang from it. Malcolm immediately recognized him. "Malcolm! Jessica!" Doc Brown yelled as he ran towards him. "You've got to come back with me!" "Wait, what? What are you talking about? Where?" Malcolm asked. "Back...to the future!" Doc started to fiddle with some instruments. "Go ahead, quick, get in the car! This concerns both of your futures!" "Wait a minute, Doc, what are you talking about?" Malcolm asked. "What happens to us in the future? What, do we become assholes or something?" Doc paused. "Oh, no no no. You and Jessica both turn out fine. It's your kids, Malcolm, something's got to be done about your kids!" "What happens to our kids?" Malcolm asked, puzzled. "You see, Malcolm, when you reveal to your kids that you two are really brother and sister...they're actually really upset and angry about it and feel ashamed! Instead of being happy about your expression of true love and maybe even experimenting themselves like they should be doing!" Dumbfounded, the two of them got in the car and sat in the passenger seat. Doc Brown got into the driver seat and started to fiddle with the settings. Malcolm was confused for a moment, but then turned towards his beloved. "What do you say, sis? Are you ready for another adventure?" "With you?" she said with a kiss on his lips. "I can take on anything. Now let's set our kids straight." Doc started to back the car up, and Malcolm and Jessica went on to their next adventure. THE END +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ AUTHOR'S NOTE: Everything in this story is 100% ACCURATE and TRUE. My name is Malcolm Rush, and me and Jessica are now married and have 8 children.