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Little Fish

By: jtmalone70



Author's Note: If you're looking for a story filled with lots of sex, this isn't for you. I've tried to make this as real and believable as possible, hence it moves at a slower pace.

*

I leaned against the car, while Jerry fumbled with a wrench. He wasn't mechanically inclined and could have paid someone else to fix his bike - say, a professional who knew what they were doing. But in doing it himself, Jerry considered it rebellious. 

The wrench slipped. Jerry swore.

"Son of a bitch."

"Funny."

"You go to hell."

He put the wrench back on the nut and tried to twist. It didn't budge. He pulled the wrench off and put it on again. Nothing. He huffed, put the wrench back on, still nothing. 

"Fucker."

"Do you even know what your doing?"

"Fucker, yes, I know what I'm doing."

"What?"

"Trying to use a fucking wrench."

I watched him for a moment. The wrench came down, he turned his head and spit, put the wrench back on, nothing, threw the wrench over his bike and into the garage where it bounce twice and slid to a halt on a black oil stain.

Jerry sat staring at his bike, not moving, not saying a word, his cheeks puffing as he tried to calm his nerves. He was twenty-one years old, but had the mind of a world-angry teen. And he dressed and looked like one, too: Chubby belly, chubby round face, thick legs and stocky arms, and his clothes were always haphazard. His hair was a curly black mat atop his head that always appeared unkempt, because it was. But his black-rimmed glasses accurately depicted him as an intellectual, which he was. He simply lacked common sense. 

"What about those other wrenches?" I said pointing. 

He turned his eyes down.

"Where?"

"Under the first ones."

He lifted the top tray revealing another row of shiny silver wrenches. I asked if he had tried any of them. He looked up at me, and then down to the wrenches. Jerry stared at them for a moment, huffed, and then his eyes closed. "Mother fucker." I chuckled. "Just shut the fuck up." He took a deep breath and quickly rose to his feet. He stomped into the garage, bent down for the wrench, inspected it, cursed, then dropped his hands and moped back.

"Shit."

"Yeah, there's a difference. Some are metric, some aren't."

He dropped the wrench in the toolbox sitting open next to his bike.

"Oh, thanks, mother fucker. Where were you ten minutes ago?"

I went to speak, but caught sight of Caroline crossing the street. Jerry planted his hands on his hips and turned to say something to me, but when he saw me looking down the driveway, he turned around. When he saw her, he dropped his hands, fidgeted, and finally slipped the tips of his fingers into his pockets. Then he cleared his throat. 

She walked toward us, arms folded, no expression on her face. Her long hair shone golden in the late afternoon sun and fluttered in her wake. Jerry held a fist to his mouth and coughed. She stopped before us and looked to him with a nod.

"Jerry."

He fidgeted. 

"Hey, Caroline."

Then she looked to me.

"I'm coming over tonight with some boxes. Are you going to be there?"

I rose from the car and my mouth opened and closed. I went to push my fingers into my pockets, but Jerry's were still in his and I didn't want to look like him, an unconscious decision. I folded my arms, but looked too much like her; it was her pose, after all. I finally sank my hands into my back pockets and gave a quirky nod. 

"Yeah, sure. I can be there. What time?"

She brushed the hair from her eyes. 

"I see. Well, if you've got something else going on..."

"No. No. Nothing. What time?"

Caroline enjoyed making people uncomfortable. I suppose it was her way of exerting control, which she liked. She also liked putting people in their place, so when she suggested I might have something other to do, this is what she was doing to me. I glanced at Jerry, still staring in awe, and then to his bike. This was my social life, whereas Caroline was a debutant in demand. She knew I had nothing else going on.

I pulled out a hand and scratched my chin. I asked what time she wanted to stop by.

Damn it, why didn't you give a specific time? Now she's going to make you sit around and wait. More control.

Jerry coughed as she pulled a finger across her brow. She shot him a glance and he apologized. She looked to me and said, "Between eight and nine."

I pressed my lips and bobbed my head.

"Okay, sounds good. I'll - Yeah, I'll try to be there."

Her simple smile said she knew I couldn't play her game.

She nodded to Jerry, turned and walked down the driveway to our house across the street. A car was coming, but she didn't stop. They didn't honk or anything and she didn't bother to look. They simply stopped, let her cross, and continued on their way. Then Jerry spoke.

"I could so fuck the living shit outa her."

With his mouth drawn tight, he watched her walk across the grass to the front door. He looked to me and said, "You are so fucking lucky."

When the door closed behind her, we both turned to his bike and stared at it.

"So what's The Lump think about this?"

I gave a little shrug.

"He hasn't said much, but I think he understands. It's just getting too crowded over there anymore."

"She doesn't like crowds."

"Not that kind, anyway."

The Lump owned a towing and wrecking company, but because of his size, he couldn't get to the shop, so worked out of the house. As a result, many of his customers, all of them his friends, were frequent visitors in our home. I found them to be friendly and generally inoffensive, but outside their element in this rather ritzy subdivision. I wouldn't be surprised if some were low-level criminals or had connections to the mob. Maybe that's what drew these deviants, as my sister called them, to do business with The Lump. They knew he was honest and a fair businessman. Plus, he never asked questions. And he had a good sense of humor working in his favor. He could even make Caroline laugh, which nobody could do.

How long had we lived there? Eight years come July. The Lump inherited his first gas station from his dad and expanded from there. By the time he purchased his fifth station, he moved us to the subdivision across from Jerry's parents, whose dad was a radiologist and his mother some sort of managing accountant for a brokerage bank. Nobody said anything about us, of course, even though we were literally from the other side of the tracks. And maybe the odd customers coming and going, sometimes at late hours, intimidated the neighbors into silence.

But Caroline found her place there. That is where she belonged. She was already pretty, there was no denying that, but now that her family had money, she could cavort with the proper people. Even if The Lump had never made a dime, there was little doubt Caroline would move up the social ladder. Her standards were quite high and she stuck to them rigidly. 

Jerry became our first friend in the subdivision, and my only. He stood across the street on his porch watching the movers unload the van and carry items into our new home. After a time, he walked over and introduced himself. His first words to me were, "Hi, I'm Jerry and I'm a Jew. People don't like me, and they won't like you, either." He said his last name was Schwartz, but their mailbox said Black. His grandparents wanted to blend in after immigrating, so Anglicized their name. 

When he met my sister, like everyone else, he was awestruck by her looks, and for a time I wondered if he was only my friend just to be near her. And maybe that was true. Even when she developed the attitude to go along with her new surroundings, he never stopped pining for her. But she kept him at a distance, holding him in something of polite distain, and he was no fool. Jerry was aware of his place in her circle, which was just outside its periphery. They were similar in many ways and by all accounts should have got along better than they did. Both were surly, somewhat rebellious, and didn't care much what others thought of them. But Caroline carried the air of a sophisticate, whereas Jerry was more slovenly and didn't give a damn. 

He also wanted badly to sleep with her, though as he often put it, he just wanted to fuck her. Jerry made no secret of his attraction to her, although he never came right out and told Caroline as much. I'm sure she assumed it by way of how he acted whenever she was near. That is to say, he was uncharacteristically polite. I think she secretly found him amusing, but she never said so. 

We studied his bike some more, and then he looked at me.

"Wanna go play Space Invaders somewhere?"

"No. I should probably go make room for Caroline." 

He looked to his bike. 

"Fucking piece of Jap shit. How long's she gonna stay?"

I shrugged, replying, "I guess I'm not sure. I think just the summer."

"If you guys have parties, don't forget to invite me."

"She'll have parties, not me. And I doubt she will."

"If she goes to parties, find out where they're at. Then invite me."

"I don't think she's much of a party person. She's more of a socialite."

Jerry scratched his arm and stared at his bike. Then he gestured to it, saying, "Why the fuck would they do that? Why make it so goddamn impossible to work on? Yeah, she is more of a socialite." 

I looked to him, saying, "You can come over if you want. She'll probably need help unloading." 

He scratched his arm again and cursed under his breath.

"Can't. Fucking Frieda's coming over with her goddamn apes and my mom wants me to stick around and be sociable."

Frieda was his aunt on his mother's side and her "goddamn apes" were her two children, both boys, aged nine and eleven. Jerry called them apes for two reasons. First, they got into everything, including his room, and ran ramshackle through the house every time they visited. And secondly, their parents were of Eastern-European descent, therefore their kids did seem to have an abnormal amount of thick black hair on their arms, legs, head, and eyebrows. Jerry thought it was disgusting, even though he didn't look all that different. 

He looked at me and laughed, "Who the hell names their kid Frieda, anyway?"

"Wasn't there a war going on?"

Jerry looked to his bike.

"That doesn't mean there was a shortage of fucking names."

Then he walked into his house. ------------------------------------

"I guess I'm going now."

The Lump rotated his chair from his desk and smiled. "Sure you won't stay for supper? It'll be ready here soon." Before I could reply, he called out to Kelly, the hired cook. I held up a hand, but she poked her head through the door. The Lump asked her what they were having for supper.

"For you, Mr. Massey, chicken and salad. Fruit if you want. Your choice. For the girl, I make those steamed dumplings she likes." 

The Lump dropped his shoulders and smiled.

"Can I..."

Kelly shook her head. "No, you cannot."

He tilted his head and held up a hand. She shook her head again.

"No, you may not."

He went to plead, but she said no again and asked, "Is that all you want to know?" 

His steady smiled worked its charm, and her stolid face broke and she grinned at him.

"Look, no, okay? That doctor guy said no greasy food. What if something happen to you? Then what? Who's to blame? Me. Right." Then she walked away mumbling, "I can't carry you out. No way." 

Kelly was Chinese. The Lump hired her away from his favorite restaurant, and when Caroline moved out, Kelly would move in to help tend to him. And I think it was a sure thing they were sweet on each other. We called her Kelly, because we couldn't pronounce her given name. She tried over and over to teach it to us, but it was too long and complicated. If you were going to ask her something, by the time you finished butchering her name, you forgot what you were going to ask her in the first place. Except maybe how to pronounce her name. 

The Lump turned to his desk.

"Well, you're welcome to stay. You'll be missed."

I hemmed for a moment and sank my hands into my pockets. The Lump always treated me as his son, even though he wasn't my biological father. He was Caroline's, but she and I shared the same mother. And it didn't matter that he and I weren't related by blood. He was the only father I knew and always thought of him as such. 

"Yeah, okay. Maybe I'll stick around for a while then, if you don't mind."

He turned in his chair wearing a great smile. ------------------------------------

I followed behind as he waddled to the dining room, using two canes to support his heavy body. All I ever knew of his condition was what my mother had told me, that his weight was the result of a surgery gone wrong. A consequent lawsuit is how he bought his second gas station. I had seen pictures of him when he was young and probably not much older than myself. The Lump had played football and wrestled in high school, which is where he picked up the name The Lump. Caroline and I had always known him as that, but Kelly disliked our using the name. "He's a sensitive guy. Don't call your father that." She was right. He was sensitive. So when Caroline said she was moving out, The Lump sat in his office and cried a long time. She stayed in there to console him, along with Kelly. But he understood how she felt, that it was time to move on and start life on her own. She would turn nineteen in June and start college in the fall. 

We sat at the table, while Kelly made several trips back and forth from the kitchen. I asked if she needed help, but she waved me off and said no. 

When everything was ready, Kelly sat across from me and next to The Lump. They bowed their heads and each said their own prayer. Kelly was Buddhist and The Lump Methodist. I bowed my head, too. After a few seconds of silence, we raised our chins.

I looked around the table.

"Caroline not eating?"

Both wagged their heads.

"She going to say goodbye to some friends. I made her eat before she leave."

I picked up my fork, while The Lump stabbed his salad.

"So you don't mind her staying the summer?"

"No, it's okay."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, it's fine."

The Lump took a bite.

"Has she said anything to you about helping with the bills?"

"No. Just the rent. Said she'd pay half."

He reached for his glass, saying, "Should I put a little extra in your account for food?"

I shrugged and replied, "Up to you. I don't think she'd eat much."

Kelly was looking down at her plate and waved a hand. "She eat like a child. A little in the morning, she good till night."

The Lump looked at Kelly with a smile and asked, "How many of those dumplings did she eat?"

Kelly twirled her fork in a bowl of noodles and lifted it to her mouth. She held up three fingers. The Lump glanced at me, wondering aloud if there were any left. Kelly nodded, but then wagged her head quickly and rapped his arm. He pulled it away with a little laugh. She swallowed and said, "Massey, you eat what you got. Those are for Caroline." Then she looked to me, saying, "You take 'em with you home tonight, Gil. I make 'em for your Caroline, not this guy. He too big." The Lump chuckled and his whole body jiggled. He leaned against Kelly, who leaned into him and shook her head. ------------------------------------

"Is that all you have?"

Caroline walked through the door carrying three shoe boxes, one stacked atop the other. 

"No, there's still more out in the car."

I watched her walk down the short hallway to her bedroom.

"Did... Do you want me to go get something?" 

From inside her room, she called, "Yes, thank you." 

I stood there for a moment, and then walked out to her car.

When I returned, she was standing before her closet rearranging everything. She glanced at me, and then to her clothes. 

"Just on the bed?"

She nodded and I set the box there. 

Unsure what to do, I slipped my fingers in my pockets. "I guess Schultzy and his guys stopped by while I was gone." Caroline nodded, pulling out a dress on a hangar and placing it in another spot on the rod. "Guess they didn't know where to put your stuff in there." She didn't reply. 

Schultzy was one of our dad's friends who owned a moving company. 

"Did The Lump ask or did you?"

She glanced at me, saying, "Ask who?"

"Did you ask Schultzy to move your stuff?"

She wagged her head. "No, The Lump asked for me."

"Is he paying him?"

"I don't know."

I looked down at my feet, mumbling, "Probably not."

I watched her for a while, and then asked if I should leave. Without looking, she said it was up to me. I looked around the room. Her chair had boxes on it. I licked my lips and asked if I could sit on her bed. Caroline glanced at me and I gestured to her chair. 

"Got stuff on it."

She turned away, saying, "If you like. That's fine."

I perched on the edge of the mattress and flopped my hands in my lap and watched her unpack. ------------------------------------

"So what's it like living with a goddess? Have you seen her naked yet? Tell me you have."

I was looking down the hall to the bathroom door, one hand holding the phone to my ear and the other cupped around the mouthpiece.

"No. Jesus, how can you ask me that?"

Jerry balked. He knew I was as enamored by her as him.

"Fucker, it's been over a week now and you haven't seen anything?"

"Jesus Christ. We lived in the same house for almost twenty years and I hardly ever saw anything then. It's only been nine days here. What, you think she's just going to start tramping around buck naked all of a sudden?"

Jerry growled into the phone.

"God damn, you're dense. The situation's changed, man. The environment is different. The rules aren't the same any more."

I stared nervously down the hall. He asked what she was doing.

"I don't know. She's in the bathroom."

"In the shower or taking a crap?"

"Jesus. How should I know?"

"Is the water running? Fuck, do I have to come down and look for myself?"

I turned away, saying, "She took a shower this morning. Why would she" -- the water came on in the bathroom and my eyes darted down the hall -- "No. Okay. Sounds like she turned on the shower."

In a low, slow voice, Jerry said, "Don't you dare fucking move."

"I know. I won't."

"I swear to God..."

"I won't. I'm not moving."

"If you so much as fart three millimeters from where you're standing."

"God damn it, I said I won't move. I'm staying right here."

We were silent for a long time. 

"Is she still in there?"

"Yes. I'll tell you when she comes out."

Another five minutes passed. I asked what he was doing.

"Watching TV."

I looked to mine. It was turned off. I asked what he was watching.

"Just a rerun."

"Of what?"

"The Monkees."

"Oh. What channel?"

"I dunno. UHF. I can't see from here. These guys were fucking geniuses. Way ahead of..."

"Shit, she turned it off."

"What?"

"The water. She turned it off."

"Fucker, if you move..."

"I know. I know. I'm not -- The door's opening."

"Sweet mother of Moses," he murmured.

Caroline turned off the bathroom light as she pulled open the door. My heart pounded in my ears and my breathing was shallow. She looked down at me and I swallowed anxiously. Her eyes were on me as she turned into her room. She had a green towel wrapped around her torso. I had to look down. Her eyes made me nervous. But when I looked up, she was gone. A rectangle of yellow light spilled from her doorway and into the hall, and then slowly narrowed and blinked out as she shut the door. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

"Well? Anything?" I told him she was only wearing a towel. "And? That's it? Did she say anything? Look at you?" I scratched my forehead, saying she looked at me, but then disappeared into her room and shut the door. Jerry gave a short sigh and said, "I guess that's nothing to get excited about." I said probably not, but still felt on edge. He said, "I've seen her in a bikini. A towel just covers up more, anyway. Okay, I gotta go." And then he hung up.


Little Fish, Big Pond



The town that I grew up in had one stoplight in it. It also had one library, one school, one gas station, and one grocery store. After eighteen years, having one of everything was, to put it mildly, driving me crazy. I wanted out. I needed out.

I decided to go to college in a big city. I decided on (where else?) New York. Sure, I'd never lived in a city with more than two thousand residents, I'd never used public transportation, and I'd never been in a building with more than three stories, but where better to learn, if not the Big Apple?

I was a virgin in every way but one. I had a boyfriend, Evan. After prom, on a blanket in the bed of his pickup truck behind the library. We struggled out of our fancy clothes together, left them crinkled around us, clumsily touching each other, feeling each other breathe. He was awkward and a little jerky, but gentle. It didn't hurt much, just a little bite. We didn't look each other in the eyes--we were embarrassed to be naked together. We'd never seen each other naked, and at first we were afraid to look. I still didn't know what good sex was, but it was good to be together.

Mama and Daddy waited up for me when I didn't come home on time. My wrinkled dress gave me away, and the storm hit. My parents were good Christians, and so was I, but good Christian girls are virgins. Nobody wants a slut, my Daddy told me, and only sluts sleep with their boyfriends before they're married. You'll get pregnant, Mama told me, and she wasn't ready to be a grandma. I cried, Mama cried, and Daddy turned red.

We didn't have much money, but Mama and Daddy had a little set aside for my college. That is, until I came home from prom not a virgin anymore. Daddy said that I had to stay home and marry Evan, that he wouldn't give me a dime for college unless I did.

I told him I would go to school whether he hated me for it or not. He told me to pack up and get out. And clean up my face. Good girls don't wear makeup, and my mascara was running.

Six months into my freshman year at school, I needed my parents. I didn't know the city. I wasn't prepared to live in a city. I still misread train schedules, missed connections, got lost, even after six months. I was perpetually confused in the city, small fish in a big pond--or the ocean. Between classes and working part-time, I wasn't sleeping enough--or at all--catching catnaps between class and daily shifts at a nearby drugstore. I had found a cheap apartment, cheaper than staying in the dorms, but not cheap enough. I was behind on bills, behind on rent, behind on food. I had nothing. Between stress and not having a way to afford food, I was losing weight. My full-figured form, once a source of pride, was shrinking in all the wrong places. My chest was smaller, my curves melting off my body. My once-thick, once-dramatic, once-shiny auburn hair grew dull, and I found more of it falling out into my brush. I looked sick, sad, pained, and I was.

I thought it couldn't get any worse, and then it did. A notice from my landlord on the door. Behind on rent for the last time, he said, so he was going to kick me out unless I could pay within the week. Tears welled up. I couldn't take any more. It was too late to drop classes and I couldn't take any more shifts at the drugstore without working myself to death.

Blindly, unthinking, I drifted down the hall to my landlord's apartment. Knocked on the door. He opened up wearing boxers and a t-shirt. I gave him a once-over. He was older than I was by fifteen years, at least. He was kind of slimy, in cheap-apartment-landlord; years of making up reasons for keeping cleaning and security deposits, reasons for refusing to fix the plumbing or the shower again had changed him. He wasn't awful, though. He took good care of himself: he worked out to keep the little poofs and puffs of fat that come with adulthood away, had a little well-kept facial hair, and a carefully shaved head with just a little bit of stubble.

He smiled easily. "Diane."

"Greg," I greeted weakly, holding up his notice.

"Ah." His eyebrows went up. "Your rent. You said last Friday."

"I meant last Friday, but then someone stole some of my books. You know how expensive science books are," I offered a weak excuse.

"Sorry about your books, Diane, but I need your rent."

"I know."

"I'm giving you until the end of the week, Diane," he said sternly.

Shit. Shit! "Shit, Greg, I don't get paid until next Friday."

"I hate to be a hardass, Diane, but this happens too often."

I cringed internally at my next words. They sounded pathetic, desperate. They meant exactly what I didn't want them to mean. "Please? I'll do anything."

Greg's eyebrows went up again. "Why don't you come in? I'll fix you coffee. We can talk." He turned and padded into his apartment.

I followed him uneasily. Greg was divorced. I hadn't seen him come home with anybody in a long time. I looked around. He had nice things--simple, functional, but not ugly. Greg wasn't a bad person. He just liked to be alone. But everybody needs somebody, I knew that.

Greg led me to his kitchen, where he stopped. Stretched his arms above his head, behind his back. Slowly, lazily. "You know," he drawled. "I'm just tired of your rent being late."

"I'm sorry, Greg, I really am. I'm doing my best, but there's a lot to pay for."

"You're still a little girl. You're not ready to be alone on your own, are you?"

I didn't answer. What he said was true, but I didn't want it to be.

He turned. He was tall; I was short. He stared down at me; I stared up at him. I was still holding his notice, and he took it from my hand and read it over. 

"What can I do, Greg? Please? I don't have anywhere else to go."

"You're a beautiful girl, Diane, and you can't think that I haven't thought of you."

"No, I..."

"I have, Diane. And I think you're a nice girl. You're a good girl, too. How many men have you been with?"

"Greg, I don't think--"

His face changed from curious to angry. "Yes, you do think, Diane. You're a smart girl. You know what it means when a girl who's down on her luck says 'I'll do anything,' don't you?"

I ducked my head, avoiding eye contact. "Yes, I do. I had one boyfriend in high school. We slept together after prom, and my parents kicked me out."

He traced the shape of my jaw with a finger, then turned my head back to his. "One boy. And was he good enough to be worth getting kicked out over?"

I glared at him. I didn't like him asking intimate questions about my first time. It was surrounded by too much pain. "No. It wasn't."

"I won't kick you out for sleeping with me," he remarked.

"Thanks, Greg." I scowled.

He slid his hands down my arms and pulled me to him. He wasn't angry or sarcastic anymore. He was gentle. He pressed our bodies together. He guided my hands to his t-shirt, lifting it over his head and revealing the body of a man who was once very muscular, now only a little less toned and with a little more softness. I lifted my own t-shirt over my head. My bra embarrassed me. It was old and worn, graying, fraying a little at the seams. I couldn't afford new clothes. Hesitating, I unhooked it in the back and slid it off my arms.

For the first time since Greg opened his door, I made eye contact with him, long and steady. He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. He was gentle, then more intense, more insistent. He bit my lip, and I bit his. I was angry at Greg and his rent, at my job for not paying enough, at New York for being so big and me being so small, at school for costing so much, at me for fucking Evan and ruining everything. Angry. I bit harder and Greg moaned into my mouth. He liked it.

My arms were dead at my sides. Greg took my hands in his as he walked forward, backing me up into a wall. He lifted my arms above my head and held them there with one hand. With his other hand, he deftly unbuttoned my jeans. I vaguely wondered how he learned to do that with one hand. He made it feel easy. He patted my hands above my head--he meant for me to keep them there while he pulled my jeans off. I did, and he did. I kicked them away and he pulled my panties off.

"You're wet," he told me.

"I know."

"You want this?"

"I don't know." He was being vulgar. I'd only been with Evan, and we didn't talk. Me laying back in the truck bed, both of us making little noises, not looking at each other. Staring up at the stars in the sky. I could see all of them.

"Talk to me, Diane."

"I'm naked in front of my landlord because I can't pay my rent," I said. "Someone stole my books. I don't know why. They probably could have bought their own, but instead they stole mine."

"Tell me about yourself."

The first words that came out of my mouth were, "I'm a good girl, but I want you."

With that, he leaned down and kissed me roughly. He pressed his waist to mine and I felt him, hard, through his boxers. His tongue slipped into my mouth. My hands went down to feel him, his shoulders, his back, his hair, his face. They went down farther and pulled down his boxers.

I stared down at his penis. His cock. (Learn dirty words, Diane, you're a bad girl now.) It was bigger than Evan's, a lot bigger. "I want you inside of me," I told him. He didn't move.

"Not yet."

I looked up questioningly. He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed down, down, and I understood. He wanted it in my mouth first. I was down on my knees in front of him. His cock looked even bigger at eye level. He leaned on the wall over my head as I took his cock in my hand and guided it into my mouth. Slowly, carefully, trying not to let my teeth touch it. Closed my lips over it and... what? I'd never done it before. My mouth was full.

"Use your tongue, Diane."

My tongue has to play, too. I licked his cock. Took it a little further in my mouth and swirled my tongue underneath. He moaned. I swirled a little more. It went out, in, out, in, as he started to grind slowly. I found a rhythm with his grinding, reached my hands up to explore him. His cock was hard and slimy from my spit. I took his balls in one hand and gently stroked. He groaned a little more, letting out little grunts of pleasure. As he enjoyed himself, so did I. I was making Greg feel good, feel hot. As his thrusts sped up, went farther, I took his cock deeper. I looked up into his eyes. Is it good?

He stopped suddenly. Not good? He pulled me up so I was standing against the wall again. He guided his now-wet cock in between my legs. I tried to relax as he entered me. His cock was bigger than Evan's cock, and it hurt more. He wasn't being as gentle as Evan. He entered me slowly but steadily, not slowing down even when I whimpered a little in pain. I didn't stop him. I wanted this. This was paying my rent so I could live here. I needed this. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he sighed. All the way in now. He started grinding against me, and I ground against him. Harder. I felt so full. I moaned a little, moaned louder. He thrust in and out, slowly, then faster. He was getting close to cumming. His breathing was getting quicker.

"Diane," Greg whispered. "Look at me."

I stared up into his eyes. They were brown. He thrust harder, shoving my back hard against the wall. So full, so good. My arms were around his neck and he was watching me watching him, feeling him inside of me. Evan and I didn't look at each other, but Greg and I did. My back arched into him. I watched his face as he came. His eyes rolled back and he let out a long, low, guttural moan.

Greg leaned into me. His breath was hot and stick on my back. I rested my head on his shoulder, and he rested his on mine, and we panted together. A few long minutes passed.

I broke the silence. "Greg," I said.

He stood back from me and looked at me quizzically.

"I didn't cum."

Greg smirked. "We'll talk when you pay your rent."



Little Fish



I set the phone down and stared at her door for a few moments, and then turned into the kitchen to get a drink. ------------------------------------

Jerry and I sat under his mother's gazebo staring into the pond. In his lap he had a small box of goldfish food. Every now and then, he'd toss some into the water. 

"Look at that big one keeping the others away."

He tossed out a tiny piece where it plinked onto the surface, and then slowly sank. The smaller fish were huddled around in a circle and slowly moved in for it, but the big fish was at the center and gulped it down. Then he swam in a quick circle, pushing the others back out. 

Jerry chuckled, "What a greedy little bastard."

I leaned forward and clasped my hands. 

"That's why he's the biggest one."

Neither of us spoke for a while. I watched him toss a handful of food further beyond the circle of fish. The little ones turned and made a dash for it.

"Hurry before that big bastard gets it."

But the big fish didn't move, only turning to watch the little ones swim away. Jerry pointed and said, "See, he knows. He recognizes me and knows. He knows I'm God. I'm their goldfish God and he knows I'll take care of all of them."

Sitting back, I said, "You're a little selective in how you treat your subjects. Why not just sprinkle it around the pond evenly so everyone has a fair chance?"

"I'm fair," he replied with something of indignation. "I put some here," -- and he pointed -- "And I put some there," -- and he pointed further back. Then he held up his hands. "It's the little ones who are at fault, not me or the big guy. All they'd have to do is just run up and grab it before him."

"Yeah, but they can't, because he won't let them."

"Oh bullshit," Jerry scoffed. "Christ, just run up and get it. What's he gonna do? Attack? With what? The gun he's got holstered under his fin?"

"He could bite them."

Jerry shook his head and looked at the pond.

"Goldfish aren't sharks, moron. The worst they can do is bump into each other. It's like goldfish bumper cars under water."

We were quiet for a while, just staring into the pond. He looked to me and asked what Caroline was doing.

"I'm not really sure."

"She still seeing that Clint retard?"

"No. I don't think so. I haven't seen him in a long time. I think she just goes uptown for coffee, and then to the library for a while. I'm not sure what she does after that."

From the corner of my eye I could see him bob his head. Jerry looked to me and asked, "What the fuck did she ever see in that guy?"

I sat back and dropped my hands in my lap.

"Status."

Jerry smirked and shook his head, saying, "If that's what she wants, I got plenty to spare," and he then hooked a thumb over his shoulder to his house.

We stared at the water. The setting sun gave the surface a glassy sheen.

"What kinda guy do you think she'll marry?"

I thought about it for a moment and said, "I really couldn't say."

"He can't be just rich. She might be a slut, but she's got a lot of brains. I mean, you don't get a scholarship like that just for being pretty."

I slowly wagged my head, while watching a little fish follow the big one wherever he went in the pond. I pointed and said, "Look at that little one following the big one. He's a goldfish kiss-ass." 

After a moment, Jerry said, "No. I think he follows the big one around because he knows the big one is better than everyone else. He knows if you follow the big one, life will be good. He's not gonna scare the little one away. He likes the attention." Then Jerry looked at me and said, "Shit, do you blame him?"

"No. Not really."

"I wonder what kind of books she likes? You ever sit around and wonder that?"

"Yeah. Sometimes." ------------------------------------

"Is she having a party?"

"What, like with balloons and a clown?"

Jerry shook his head and looked away.

"Jesus. Yes, that's exactly what I meant. Retard."

I asked if he got her anything. He always got her something for her birthday, but over the last few years, he just gave her money. Like myself, he didn't know what else to give her. 

"I got her a card and put some money in it."

Then he asked what I got her.

"Same."

"How much?"

"Fifty dollars."

"I was gonna give her seventy-five. Want me to give her less?"

I shrugged. "It's up to you. I don't think it matters."

Jerry looked to me and said, "Man, she's your sister. You can't have friends giving more than you. I'll give her forty-five."

We were quiet for a while, just staring at the pond. 

I wrinkled my nose and said, "I can't even remember the last time she had a real birthday party, ya know?"

"The last one I remember was before your mom died."

I slowly nodded. "Oh yeah. Now I remember. Yeah, that one was kind of fun, I think."

Jerry sat back with his hands in his lap. "I don't even remember what I got her."

"Operation and something else. I don't remember what it was."

He looked to me and said, "Did I get her that?" I slowly bobbed my chin and he looked ahead. "Hmph. Okay. What did you get her?"

"One of those pet rocks and..."

"Jesus Christ."

I laughed and he laughed and looked at me.

"Did you really get her a pet rock?"

I nodded.

"God. Fucking stupid. What'd she do with it?"

I shrugged. 

"She give it a name?"

I laughed and shrugged again. "I dunno."

"Pet rock. Jesus. It's so fucking stupid it's brilliant. Whoever came up with that is probably a millionaire."

"Where's that one big fish? I don't see him anywhere."

"He drove into town about an hour ago for smokes and beer. How the fuck should I know? Probably on the other side of the island in the shade."

After a while, I chuckled and said, "Okay. That was pretty good."

"Why don't I give you the money that I'm not gonna give her. Just in case someone gives her more than fifty."

Before I could protest, he leaned to one side and fished into a pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. I watched him count through it, and then set several bills on my leg.

"There's thirty."

I picked it up and looked at it. 

"But that means I'm giving her eighty now."

"No shit? Wow, I guess a public school education really does pay off. Boy, was I cheated."

Jerry had attended private schools, while Caroline and I went to public. 

"No, what I mean is, won't it look weird if I give her eighty dollars?"

"Then give her fifty. I don't care."

"Just seems like an odd number. Like, okay, you gave me eighty. Why not round it up to one hundred?" 

"Then give her a hundred, if it will sit better on your conscience. Christ."

"Yeah, but then you're only giving her forty-five. I'm giving a hundred and you're giving forty-five. She might wonder why the big difference."

Jerry dropped his head and sighed.

"I'll give her seventy-five then."

I held out his money and asked, "You want this back?"

He looked up to the pond.

"I swear I never know what to get her."

I shrugged and pushed the money in a pocket. "Me neither."

We were quiet for a time, and then Jerry asked where she was.

"She and Kelly went into town to go shopping for new clothes for school. The Lump and Kelly got her a TV. It's got one of those remotes."

"Those're pretty nice. I was thinking of getting one for when I go back to school. What kind they get her?"

"I dunno. I think she's seeing someone again."

Jerry dropped his head to his hands. "God. No. Okay, don't say that. Who is he?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. I haven't seen him."

Jerry looked to me and said, "Then how the fuck you know she's seeing someone? Don't say shit like that."

I shrugged again. "Some guy's called twice now for her. The first time they talked for a long time. The second time, they didn't talk long, but then she sorta got dressed up and left to meet him somewhere I think."

He fell back against the bench and huffed. "Fuck."

"I know."

"Fuck."

"But that was like a week ago and I don't think he's called since."

Jerry slowly wagged his head. "Fuck. That really sucks."

We were quiet for a while and I asked, "If you could take her on a date, where would you go?"

He thought about it and finally said, "Shit. I have no idea. Probably have to be someplace really nice. Nice and expensive for her."

I wagged my head at the pond. "See, I think I'd do just the opposite." Jerry looked at me. "Everyone else would take her someplace expensive, but I bet she might like it if you took her somewhere fun. I don't know where, but someplace that's fun." He gave me a studied nod and looked to the pond.

"I bet you're right. That's not a bad idea."

"You know who she reminds me of?"

"Who?"

"Katherine Ross."

Jerry looked at me and said, "Man, she's a brunette. Caroline's blonde."

"I know. I just mean if Katherine Ross was a blonde, she'd sorta remind me of Caroline."

He was quiet for a moment, and then bobbed his head. "Yeah. You're right." Then he turned to me and asked, "Katherine Ross from The Stepford Wives?" I shook my head. "Butch Cassidy?" I shook it again. "Voyage of the Damned?" I said no. "The Swarm?" I laughed and said no. "Jesus Christ. We're running low on options."

"The Graduate."

"What? Oh. Yeah. I can see that."

"She reminds me of Elaine in that."

He bobbed his head.

"Yeah. Sorta does. They have the same eyes."

"Those brown doe eyes."

Jerry nodded and we were quiet.

After a while, he rose from the bench and walked to the house. ------------------------------------

Two days later I called Jerry.

"Hey."

"Okay, what? I'm right in the middle of something."

I peered down the hall to Caroline's room. The door was shut.

"I think she's in her room crying."

"What? Why the fuck's she crying?"

I turned to the wall, whispering, "I think because of something I did."

"What? Jesus Christ. What the fuck did you do? You fucking idiot. What did you do?"

I swallowed nervously and said, "I got her a bear. Just a stuffed bear. For her birthday."

"I thought you were just giving her money? God damn it. A bear? Shit."

"I know. I just thought -- Well."

"And I just gave her money. Fuck."

"Well. I just. I dunno. I was just thinking about what we talked about the other day."

"And you got her a bear. Okay, how big?"

I shook my head, replying, "It's not, you know, real big or anything."

"How big?"

"I don't know. I didn't measure it. It's just a bear. Like you give kids. Just a stuffed bear is all."

"So why's she crying?"

I peered down the hall again, saying, "I guess I'm not sure she is. Just sorta sounded like it when I went to the bathroom."

"Wait. Her birthday was the other day. She's just now crying about this bear?"

"No. I got it last night. She didn't get home till late and I was already in bed. I was gonna give it to her when she got home, but it got to be around midnight so I just went to bed. I was gonna give it to her this morning, but she was gone when I got up, so I put it on her bed with a little card. She just now got home."

"And she's crying?"

"I don't know. Well, I think. I don't know fore sure."

Jerry was quiet. I couldn't hear anything from her room.

He said, "You either fucked any chance you had with her, or you're one smooth mother fucker."

I hissed into the phone, "I wasn't trying to be either. I was just trying to be a good brother." Jerry laughed. "I was. I just wanted to do something different." He chuckled again.

"Okay, sure. If that's what you want to believe."

"Hey, maybe I was just trying to be nice."

At that, Jerry snorted. "Man, I don't know why you think I'd believe that. You're in love with her as much as the next guy."

My face burned red. He knew for some time that I was attracted to her, but for reasons than I ever let be known to him. But his weren't all that different than mine. It wasn't simply a physical attraction we felt for Caroline. It went deeper than that. Her personality was alluring, but she kept us at a distance, which only served to make the mystery more enticing. She let other men in her circle, but for whatever reason they didn't stay long, and always because she left them, never the other way around. On the surface, we wanted her because we were shallow, but below lurked a nagging curiosity that desired satiation. 

For us, my sister wasn't just an object of lust.

What was she like as a person? ------------------------------------

"You guys gonna watch the fireworks?"

Kelly sniffed the contents of a pot on the stove.

"Maybe just sit on the back porch. Massey feeling tired today. My kids stop by. They bring some stuff for us."

"Oh. I thought fireworks were illegal now."

Kelly waved me off, saying, "Hey, no one care. Who gonna arrest Massey? Just fireworks. We keep them away from your house."

I slowly nodded as she sniffed another pot.

"Smells good. What is it?"

"Noodle soup."

"What's the other?"

"Egg drop. Hey, you take your Caroline if you go to those fireworks."

Kelly walked across the kitchen to a cupboard.

"Why? Isn't she going out with her friends?"

She pulled down two plates and as she returned, shook her head.

"What do you know about her? Gil, she your sister. She don't got lots of friends like you. Maybe two or three close ones she says."

Embarrassed and curious, I wondered how she knew my sister had so few friends and why she thought I had so many. 

Kelly pulled open a drawer and plucked through the silverware.

I folded my arms and cleared my throat.

"So -- How do you know she hardly has any friends? Seemed like she had a lot in high school. There were a lot there for her graduation party."

Kelly dipped a ladle into a pot and filled a small bowl.

"Just girl talk."

"What?"

"Girl talk. We talk. Girl talk. She tells me."

"Oh. What do you guys talk about?"

Kelly looked at me. "Gil -- It's called girl talk for reason. Girls. No guys. She talk, I listen. I talk, she listen. You not around for a reason."

"Oh. All right. Well, can I ask you something?"

She set the bowl on a plate and nodded quickly, then picked up the second bowl to fill.

"Who are all those people then? The ones she hangs out with, I mean. I thought they were her friends."

Kelly shook her head.

"No. Just people. Lots of people in the world. Only a few you wanna be close to." ------------------------------------

Back at my apartment, I sat on the couch waiting for Caroline. It was close to nine and she still wasn't home. I looked at the clock, and then to the phone. Jerry was expecting me to pick him up a little after nine to go to the fireworks. I rubbed my knees, wondering what to do, but no sooner had I reached for the phone, than the door opened and in walked Caroline. 

Without acknowledging me, she stepped into the kitchen. She set something on the counter. It sounded like a glass. The refrigerator door opened, and a few seconds later closed. Caroline walked into the living room holding a glass in one hand and small paperback book in the other. She sat on a chair directly across from me opened the book. 

I cleared my throat and she glanced over. I gave a weak smile and she returned to her book.

"Going to the fireworks?"

She took a sip from her glass and set it on a small table next to her.

"Didn't plan on it," she said.

I gripped my knees, saying, "I'll take you if you want." When she raised her eyes, I gave another weak smile. She looked down to her book.

"I see. Thanks."

And then silence.

"I uh," -- She looked up -- "I was talking to Kelly tonight and she thought maybe I should invite you to come with us."

My sister studied me for a moment, and then closed her book on her hand.

"Who's us?"

With a little shrug, I replied, "Just Jerry and me."

She studied me some more, and then looked to the clock.

"What time's he expecting you?"

"Oh. About now."

She looked down to her book and my spirits sank. Then she closed it and set it on the table next to her glass.

"Let me change first."

As she rose, I gave a few jerky nods.

"Mm hm. Okay. I'll just sit here and wait then."

Caroline glanced at me as she turned for the hallway. When her bedroom door closed, I snatched up the phone. It rang once, twice, and was picked up on the third ring.

"Black residence."

"Hey, uh, is Jerry around?"

"Just a moment, please."

It was his mother. She called out to him.

"Jerome, telephone."

After a short wait, he came on the line.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, it's me."

"Where the fuck are you?"

"Hey, it's still a little light out yet. Guess who's coming?"

"How the fuck -- Caroline?"

I grinned and nodded. "Yeah, she's changing clothes right now."

"Shit. Did you ask her or something?"

"Yeah, she got home a minute ago and I asked."

"And she said yes?"

"Of course she did, dumbass."

"Taking her car or yours?"

"Mine, why?"

There was a short pause and he said, "Take hers instead."

I smiled, replying, "Yeah, and fuck you, too. You just wanna sit up front next to her. We're taking mine. Besides, hers is a convertible."

"So fucking what? Wait. Yeah."

"Unless you wanna be blowing snot outa your nose the rest of the night."

Jerry suffered from allergies. Even small amounts of pollen and dust touched off the trigger of constantly blowing his nose and rubbing his eyes.

"Shit. God damn it."

"Here she comes. I gotta go."

"Wait. Think of something to do afterwards."

"Bye."

When she stepped into the living room, my stomach fluttered. She was wearing denim shorts, tennis shoes with no socks, and a yellow t-shirt. Her legs carried a golden hue, and her long blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail. Atop her head was a white ball cap. While stuffing a wallet into her back pocket, I sat staring, mesmerized, taking in her image. She had a pretty face, a narrow nose draped with a sprinkling of freckles, and eyes always on the edge of a smile. Jerry and I felt they were her most alluring feature. But we also we liked her breasts -- it's what men think about and often notice first. And with Caroline, they were hard not to notice, as they were quite small. Sometimes she even looked flat chested, depending on the clothing she wore. Throughout junior high and her first year of high school the other girls teased her incessantly, but she ignored them. She wouldn't stoop to their level, but had her revenge by going on dates with their boyfriends. And it was they who asked her, never the other way around. She only made it a point to let them know she was available. Only one date per customer, but that's all it took. And if that weren't enough, she stuck it to everyone who disliked, mistreated, or were jealous of her by graduating at the top of her class. 

Jerry and I liked everything about Caroline. There wasn't one aspect that was the linchpin. It was all or nothing, as far as we were concerned. Mind, body, and spirit -- we liked everything.

She patted her hands down her shorts and raised her nose. "Ready?" she asked. I jumped to my feet.

We didn't speak much on the drive to get Jerry. Mostly, she sat looking out the window. To break the annoying silence, I said she could turn on the radio, but she declined. It's not that I didn't want to talk, I just couldn't think of anything to say. That's how little I knew her, and she was even my sister. 

I strained my eyes through the front window to the darkening sky above. "Looks like a nice night for fireworks." She didn't reply, only staring out her window with her fingers entwined on her lap.

When we arrived on our street, Jerry was waiting at the end of his drive near the mailbox. I looked to The Lump's house. Two cars were in the driveway. Kelly's kids must have been there. 

Jerry jerked open the back door and dropped inside with a huff.

"Hey, Caroline."

"Jerry."




Little Fish



About a quarter mile behind The Lump's house, two white comets streaked into the sky and burst in a shower of red and green fragments.

"Shit. I mean, crap, it's already started."

Jerry was trying to mind his manners around Caroline.

We drove several blocks to the high school stadium and drove around some more until finding a spot to park. It probably would have been easier to park at The Lump's house and cut through the yards. I considered doing that, but rejected the idea in case he and Kelly invited us to stay. It wasn't often we had a chance to be alone with Caroline. 

Walking to the stadium posed something of a problem. While my sister took the lead, Jerry and I lagged behind. The sidewalk wasn't wide enough for three to walk astride. 

With her arms folded to her chest, every time a rocket streaked up, her head tilted back. But our eyes remained fixed on her. Each burst cast her in its faint, tepid glow -- red, green, and blue; an ethereal apparition gliding before us.

While my mind was in a lull, Jerry suddenly sped forward. I watched for a moment, until I realized what he was doing and hurried to catch up. But he beat me to her and when she glanced at him, moved to one side to make room on the sidewalk, leaving me in the grass. As I came up next to her, she looked to me. No smile on her face. No expression to be seen. She just looked, but her eyes sparkled in the yellow light from above. I grinned and she turned her face to the sky. "You look pretty," I said and was instantly embarrassed. Staring up, my sister mumbled thanks.

We sat on the grass with Caroline between us, our legs crossed and hers pulled up tight with her arms wrapped around them. We were surrounded by a sea of people, families here and there, kids running around waving sparklers and pausing to look up at the sky. An elderly couple sat before usn chairs while on either side were families seated on blankets. I looked down at the grass, but my eyes drifted to Caroline. She was staring up at the sky. My eyes drifted along her legs. I looked to her and frowned.

"I'm sorry."

She looked at me.

"Pardon?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't bring anything for you to sit on."

She looked up to the sky and was bathed in a green glow. 

I picked at the dark grass below.

"It's all right," she said. 

When I looked, she was staring at me with what I thought was a thin smile. It made me feel very good. 

Hearing us talk, Jerry pointed overhead, saying, "Hey. Caroline. Did you know they use different chemicals to make all those colors?"

She was gazing up and slowly wagged her head.

"No. I didn't know that."

We were both looking at her, while she continued to look up. I could see a bright grin on his face.

"Yeah. They use this copper and chlorine compound to make the blue ones. And for green, they use barium and chlorine. There's a couple things they use to make the white ones, like aluminum or magnesium."

When Caroline looked to him, I couldn't see her face, but whatever her expression, he seemed to be pleased with it.

She asked, "What about orange?"

Just then, a rocket burst overhead. It was orange. Jerry pointed, saying, "Yeah. See. I'm pretty sure they use calcium chloride for those."

She glanced up, and then to him.

"That's interesting. I didn't know that. Thank you."

And then she looked back to the sky. 

For a while I sat feeling sorry for myself and jealous of him. ------------------------------------

In the car, we sat behind a long line of them trying to leave the stadium. Jerry was in back while we sat up front. Now and then, my eyes darted to the mirror and I could see him watching her. I turned the mirror away. He poked his head over the sit.

"Hey."

Caroline and I looked at the same time, but he was facing her. 

"Wanna go get something to eat?"

As she turned away, she glanced at me with a slight shrug.

"Okay."

Her tone carried indifference. 

Before he could beat me to it, I asked where she wanted to go. Several times now he had talked to her and for longer than myself and it was grating my nerves. 

She gave a little shrug.

"Doesn't matter."

It became a race to see who could think of someplace before the other. My finger tapped the wheel, while Jerry rested his chin on the seat. When he suddenly sat up, as with an idea, my heart pounded, but then he lowered his chin and I took a deep breath. 

On the main road, all the restaurants were either closed or closing. Jerry and I frantically searched the strip, vying to be first. We had gone about a mile, when she lifted a finger.

"There."

I pulled into the parking lot. Only two other cars were there.

Inside, the place was nearly empty. A young couple sat together in a booth, on the same side and giggling and rubbing shoulders with a large pizza before them. Further off, a family was at a table in the process of leaving. A middle-aged waitress stepped out of the kitchen and ambled toward us, looking weary and ready to go home for the night. She paused at a small counter and plucked out three menus. "Three," she sighed. Before we could answer, she waved us along. 

Terror shot through me: Where would she seat us? I quickly looked ahead, trying to get a fix on where we were going. Booth or table? We walked behind Caroline who walked behind the waitress. Jerry must have been wondering the same, as he took several large steps to catch up with my sister. I dashed to the other side of her, bumping into several chairs. 

The waitress turned to us.

"Booth or table?"

Jerry and I glanced at each other.

"Table," said Caroline.

The waitress stopped next to one, setting a menu at the end and the other two on either side. 

"I'll be back in a few minutes."

None of us spoke for a short time. Caroline sat with her hands in her lap, while she leaned over her open menu on the table. Mine lay flat, too, while Jerry held his up like a book, but his eyes kept darting to the side to Caroline. He seemed to be thinking and I wondered about what. I cleared my throat and they both looked. 

"I, uh. Get whatever you want," I stammered to Caroline. "I'll pay."

Jerry's eyes narrowed. She looked down to her menu. 

"Thank you. That's very nice."

Trying to hide a scowl, Jerry gripped his menu. 

After a short wait, the food arrived. The waitress set a plate of French fries before each of us. Caroline ordered first, then Jerry copied her, and without any forethought I did the same. 

"Could you hand me the ketchup, please."

We reached at the same time, but I jerked it away and passed it to her.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

With a hand in her lap, Caroline lifted a fry and took a dainty bite. To make a good impression, Jerry and I did likewise, which broke from our norm, that of grabbing a handful and shoving them inside. When I pulled a napkin into my lap, he discreetly did the same. 

We struggled for something to say to her.

At last he said, "You know what's good on fries?" We both looked to him. He held one up, saying, "Ever try mayonnaise?" I winced and my sister shook her head.

"No. I haven't. Is it good?"

He chomped into a fry drenched in ketchup and shrugged a heavy shoulder.

"It's not bad. You should give it a try sometime. You might like it."

She looked down to her plate and picked up a fry. 

"Maybe I will."

Not to be outdone, I said, "Hey. Uh. Hey, have you ever tried French dressing?"

They looked to me and Jerry winced.

"What?"

"I'm afraid I haven't. Is it good?"

While Jerry shook his head in disgust, Caroline pulled a napkin to her lips and dabbed the corners. I gave a quick nod. 

"Um. Yeah. It's, you know..."

"Sick," muttered Jerry.

Caroline looked to him, but he was looking down. Her eyes returned to me and I shook my head.

"No. It's pretty good. It's like ketchup only tangier in a way."

"Man, in all the time I've known you, not once have I ever seen you put French dressing on French fries."

Caroline looked to him, and then back to me. 

I cleared my throat, saying, "Yes. Yes, I have."

His shoulders slumped.

"When?"

"This."

"When? Name one time."

"Back."

He looked down and shook his head. My eyes darted to Caroline. She was watching him, but then looked to me. I nodded.

"Yes, I have."

She lifted a fry to her mouth and took a small bite.

The waitress walked over from cleaning the booth where the young couple had been sitting. We were the only ones left in the restaurant. 

Looking tired, she asked, "Can I get you guys anything else?"

"Yeah. Mayonnaise."

"French dressing. Please. Yes. Thank you."

She walked away.

Jerry picked up a fry and pointed it at me.

"Okay. Contest."

"Fine."

He twisted a thumb to Caroline.

"Whosever she likes best, the other guy has to leave a tip. And a big one."

"Fine. How big?"

He popped the fry into his mouth.

"Whatever the total bill comes to."

When we looked to her, she reached for her cup and pinched the straw between her lips.

A short time later the waitress returned with a bottle of French dressing for me and jar of mayonnaise for Jerry. He carefully dipped a long fry into the jar. I quickly unscrewed the cap of my bottle, but in my haste, as I tilted it over a fry, the contents splashed out and all over my plate. Startled, Caroline jumped and Jerry choked and chortled. 

"Damn it."

He laughed a little louder.

"Nice one, man."

Caroline sat with her hands in her lap, while I jerked a wad of napkins from the dispenser. Jerry also watched, snickering and holding a finger to his nose, still shaking his head. My face burned red. He leaned forward and asked, "Want me to see if they have a bib you can wear?"

I mopped up the mess and grumbled, "Just shut the hell up."

Jerry pulled some more napkins from the dispenser.

"Hey. Here. There's some gonna drip in your lap."

"Thanks. God damn it."

He held out his fry to Caroline.

"No. Wait. I'm not ready yet."

They both looked to me.

I tossed the orange wad of soaked napkins onto the table. They watched it splat. I picked up a fry and rolled it through the pool of dressing on my plate and held it to her.

She sat rigid in her chair, her hands in her lap and eyes darting between the two French fries hovering before her. Staring ahead, she said, "I can't decide."

Jerry huffed and slumped.

"Well just pick one. It doesn't matter. You can try both."

Surprised, I looked to him. He was lapsing into his usual mannerisms.

My sister lifted a hand. We watched it intently, slowly moving ours in to meet her halfway. She quickly dropped her hand.

"I can't decide."

Jerry loped his head with an agitated groan.

"Just pick one," I said. "It doesn't matter. Like he said."

Her hand slowly rose and when it seemed to veer toward mine, Jerry said, "Wait. No." We looked to him. "New rule: Right after you eat one, you gotta take a drink to wash the taste outa your mouth." Then he looked to me. "Fair?" I nodded. Then he looked to her. "Got it?" She stared at him and I wondered if she took offense to his brusque manner. He wasn't being rude, just more pedestrian than he normally was around my sister. 

He returned her stare and she finally agreed.

"Okay."

She took my fry and slipped it into her mouth. We watched closely for a reaction. Caroline sat chewing and staring straight ahead. When she swallowed, she reached for her cup. "Big gulp," he said and her eyes darted to him. "Big. Wash all that nastiness outa there." I blinked and leaned back. He was really pushing the envelope. 

When she set her cup down, she smacked her lips and reached for his fry. We watched her closely again. She chewed and stared ahead. When she swallowed, she reached for her cup.

"Well?"

Jerry was smiling.

"You liked it, right?"

She pulled her napkin to her lips and dabbed the corners.

"I can't decide."

I leaned back and Jerry did likewise, clapping his hand to the table. Her eyes darted to his and he cocked his head. "You're kidding." She stared. He lifted the hand again and let it drop with a thud. She looked at his hand, and then to his face. "I mean you'd have to be. You really can't decide?" She turned her eyes to me and slowly wagged her head. "Oh my God," he groaned and slumped in his chair. We watched him look away, holding his chin in his hand and wagging his head. Then he stretched a long arm out to me. "Give me one." And he wiggled his fingers. 

"Give? What?"

"Your shoe, dumbass. I want one of your shoes. What do you think? A French fry, retard. Put some of that shit on it and let me try."

"Oh."

I quickly dunked a fry, and then handed it to him. He pulled it to his mouth and chomped into it. While he chewed, I reached for his jar of mayonnaise. Caroline watched as I dipped a fry. She studied us as we sat back and chewed. Jerry spoke first.

"Yeah. Not bad."

I nodded.

"Still has that tangy taste I like."

He turned to face me.

"See. That's just the thing. We like it different. Any moron can put ketchup on a French fry. It's all about difference, but it can't be faked because people can see through the bullshit."

I dipped another fry and took a bite.

"That's true."

In her thin voice, Caroline asked, "What if you mixed the two?"

I paused taking a bite and Jerry curled his lip. She sat very still, her hands in her lap and eyes darting between us.

"What the fuck?" We looked to him and he turned toward her and warped his face. "No. That is just sick."

I chuckled in awe at how daring he was being with my sister. He looked to me, his mouth hanging open. Then he picked up a fry, reached across the table to my plate, rolled it around, and then dipped it in the jar of mayonnaise. When he held it close to her, she blinked and stared at it. "Try it." She stared at his hand. "Go on. I want to see you try it." She slowly leaned back. "That's what I thought. Coward." And before we could react, he popped it into his mouth. Jerry chewed once, and then turned away spitting it onto the floor. "Fucking disgusting." He reached for his cup and took a long gulp. 

While I watched him and laughed, from the side came a faint twitter. I looked to Caroline. She was watching him, too, her wispy eyebrows held high and a wide grin on her face. Her shoulders bounced as she giggled. Jerry lowered his cup and looked to her. A smile stretched across his face, and then we all laughed aloud. 

We didn't get back to our apartment until after two. We took her to a Laundromat where Jerry and I sometimes played their lone video game. But they also had a pinball machine, so we played that with her, too. 

Never had I seen her smile so much. And when she gave a little laugh at some jest or another, it made our spirits rise and encouraged us for more. She was still rather quiet, but spoke now and then. Jerry and I stopped trying so hard to present a prim package and the more we were ourselves, the more she relaxed and talked with us. By the end of the evening, the three of us were laughing as friends often do. 

At the start of the night, I didn't want him to come with us. I wanted her for myself. But by the end, I was sad to drop him off at his house. I enjoyed his company and having him there made it easier to be myself around her.

Caroline gave him a little wave as he walked to his front door. Then she turned to me and smiled and I drove us home. ------------------------------------

Over the next few weeks, we became a regular trio. Caroline was still the center of our conversations when she wasn't around, but was no longer an object of speculative lust. We still found her attractive, and perhaps more so now, but she had become our new friend and I think a part of us didn't like talking of her that way any more. 

"Where the fuck is she?"

We were sitting on a bench downtown, Jerry slurping from a cup while I held mine in one hand and hers in another. People were all around us, many sitting outside in the sun on their lunch break. 

Jerry looked to me.

"We did say noon, right?"

I held the straw to my mouth and jut out a finger. He looked to where I was pointing and sat back with a huff. Caroline was walking toward us and smiling, her skirt flowing about her knees. We both scooted to the side to make room for her in the middle.

"About God damn time."

"I'm sorry. This guy came in to order books for his class this fall. I had to make a bunch of calls to find one of them, but it was out of print. Nobody carries it any more."

I handed my sister her cup and she thanked me. Jerry slurped the remains of his and tossed it into a garbage can next to him.

"Professor?"

She nodded and took a drink.

"Yeah. Fucking professors. Been me, I'd told him, 'It's outa print, stupid, because no one uses that shit in their classes any more. Take the hint.'"

Caroline puckered her lips around her straw and giggled.

"You guys eat yet?"

"No."

"Hell no, we didn't eat. We were waiting for your helpful ass to get here."

She looked around the square at the vendor wagons. 

"What sounds good?"

Jerry and I leaned back and looked to each other around her. We shrugged.

"Doesn't matter to me."

"Yeah. I don't give a shit. It all tastes the same."

Caroline shot him a glare and said, "No it doesn't."

"Whatever."

"It doesn't."

She looked to me and I shrugged. She looked back to him.

"It doesn't all taste the same."

He sat up and crossed one chubby leg over the other.

"Lady, I hate to break it to you," -- and he gave her a look of concern -- "but it does. It's all greasy fried shit."

"That doesn't mean it all tastes the same."

He rolled his eyes and looked away.

"No. It doesn't." 

"If you say so."

"You don't think there's a difference between a gyro and a taco?"

Caroline looked to me for support. I shrugged and slurped my drink. She looked to Jerry, but he was facing away. She sat back and held her cup in her lap. She was quiet for a moment, and then rose. "Well, I'm hungry and I have to be back by one." Then she looked down to me. "Are you eating?" I nodded and set my cup on the bench. When I stood next to her, Caroline looked down to Jerry. "You're going to miss out and be hungry." 

"Probably."

We walked away, but after a few paces Jerry called out to me. I went back, he mumbled something, and handed me some money. When I returned to Caroline, she asked what he wanted. "Something to eat," I replied. She looked back to him. One of his heavy arms was draped along the back of the bench. He twisted up his middle finger to her. She stuck out her tongue. ------------------------------------

Very early one morning, we were startled awake by the phone in the living room. When I stepped into the hallway, Caroline was peeking out her door, looking tired. She brushed the hair from her eyes. "I'll get it," I said.

"Hello?"

There was no answer, but I could hear someone breathing.

"Hello?"

"Gil?"

"Yeah. Hey. Kelly, that you?"

She whimpered and my heart started pounding.

"Gil -- You and your Caroline need to come home. Right now."

"Kelly? What's wrong?"

She was crying and I couldn't understand what she was saying. When I turned, Caroline was tying the belt of her robe and stepping into the living room. With her eyes on me, she slowly moved to the couch. As she sat, she brought her hands to her face and started to cry. ------------------------------------

"So how's she doing?"

"Kelly or Caroline?"

"Both."

I watched the people on the square, some sitting, others walking alone or in pairs, sometimes in small groups.

"I'm not sure. Caroline hasn't talked much. I think Kelly's still pretty shaken up."

Jerry was quiet for a moment.

"It was pretty nice what he did for her."

In his will, The Lump gave Kelly one of his gas stations and a portion of his estate. My sister and I knew of this well in advance. I think it made Kelly realize just how much he loved her and cared for her family.




Little Fish



Caroline approached us, no expression on her face. We didn't say anything, as we slipped aside to make room on the bench. I handed her a cup and Jerry gave her a taco.

"Thank you." ------------------------------------

The sun was setting.

I sat on the couch staring at the television. Caroline was in her room smoking. I looked at the clock, and then rose and walked down to her. 

There was a small balcony attached to her room with a wide sliding glass door leading onto it. Caroline lay on her stomach on the bed, staring out the door at the darkening sky. She lifted the cigarette to her lips, and then blew out a long stream of gray smoke. I lightly tapped the door, but she didn't look.

"Can I come in?"

She brought the cigarette to lips again and nodded.

I slowly moped in and stopped at the bed. She was still staring out the glass door. When I sat on the mattress next to her legs, she glanced over her shoulder, and then to the door. I asked if she was hungry and she wagged her head. I clasped my hands in my lap. 

"You really shouldn't smoke. It's bad for your health."

"I know."

"I wish you wouldn't."

She held it to her lips and took one last drag, then reached down to the floor and slipped it through the mouth of an empty Coke bottle. It landed atop a small heap of them inside.

We were quiet as there wasn't much left to say. Over the previous two weeks, my sister and I had spent many hours talking late into the night. On several occasions, she sat on the couch talking over the phone with Jerry for a long time. There was a twinge of jealousy on my part for that, but he made her laugh and smile more easily than me and for that I was grateful. 

Staring down, I rose from the bed and she looked up at me. 

"You can stay if you want."

I slipped my fingers into my pockets and slowly turned to her. Caroline scooted to one side of the bed, opening a space next to her. I pulled a hand over my mouth, and then took a small step forward. I was about to lie next to her, but sat up. 

"What's the matter?"

I coughed and said, "Better take off my shoes."

When they were on the floor, I raised my legs and lay out next to her. After a while, I could hear her soft breathing. I turned my head and her eyes were closed, lying on her side facing me with both hands pulled to her chest. 

I awoke in the middle of the night. The bed was rocking. I opened my eyes and squinted in the dark. Caroline was crawling over me.

"What's wrong?"

She looked back, saying, "Just going to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

I rolled over and closed my eyes. 

I wasn't quite asleep when I heard the toilet flush. Then I heard a light thump, as the bedroom door closed. I rolled over and squinted through the dark. Caroline stood before her open closet. I watched, wondering what she was doing. Her hands came to the hem of her t-shirt and she pulled it over her head. She dropped it inside the closet on a small mound of clothes. My heart started pounding. Then her hands came to her waist. She fumbled with something in front, and then pushed her shorts down, pulling out one leg at a time. Then she turned and brushed the hair from her eyes and walked to the bed. My heart was a throbbing mass in the back of my throat. Her white panties and bra had a bluish glow from the faint light coming in through the balcony. She crawled over my legs and lay next to me. There she resumed her previous pose -- legs curled slightly and hands to her chest. I tried not to stare and dragged my eyes to the ceiling. 

"Sorry if I woke you up," she whispered.

I held a hand to my mouth and tried not to cough.

"No. It's all right. I'm fine."

I slowly turned my head to look at Caroline. Her eyes were closed. A hand came up and scratched her nose. It dropped down to her chest and I rolled over to face her. 

After watching her a moment, I licked my lips and swallowed. I asked my sister if she wanted to have sex. She was quiet and I strained to search her dark face for a reaction. It barely wiggled and she whispered, "Not now. I'm tired." I clamped my eyes tight and began trembling. When I felt the bed shaking, I quickly rose and walked for the door. 

"Where are you going?"

"Bathroom."

I went to my room and collapsed on the bed. ------------------------------------

Jerry sat staring over my shoulder. His brow rose and he blinked.

"Jesus Christ."

I sighed and looked down at my fingers on the table.

"I mean, Jesus Christ. You just came right out and asked her?"

I nodded and looked up. His brow rose higher and his eyes drifted shut. He shook his head.

"Shit."

"I know."

"And she said?"

"Not now. I'm tired."

"Fuck."

After a few seconds, he asked, "Would you really fuck your sister?" When I looked up, he said, "Okay. Half-sister. But still your sister by blood." 

I looked down and gave a weak shrug.

"You would?"

"Yes."

He was quiet for a moment, and then murmured, "Me, too. I mean, if I had a sister like that -- cool to hang out with and sexy like that -- I'd want to have sex with her, too."

I coughed.

"Well. No. What I meant to her was. No. Not really sex, as in sex. But, you know. Just to be closer to her or something. Like a comfort thing."

When I looked up, he was staring at me and gave a slight nod. 

"I know what you mean, man. Don't have to explain it to me. I know her, too." ------------------------------------

Summer was coming to a close. It was near the end of August and in two days Jerry would be flying back east to finish his senior year of college. I called him earlier in the day to see if he wanted to do something, but he said he didn't have time. He had plans for the evening and couldn't get out of them. 

I was bored and watching television on the couch. Caroline stepped out of the hallway and when I saw her, I sat up.

"What're you dressed up for?"

She was wearing a short skirt, light blue, and white blouse. Her hair was pinned up and below she wore white shoes with short heels. She strung her purse over her shoulder and fished her keys from inside. 

"I'm going out for a while. I'll probably be out late."

When she looked at me, I gave an uneasy nod.

"Where are you going?"

She turned for the door.

"Just out. I'll be fine."

For the remainder of the night, I was a nervous wreck, wondering and worrying where my sister went and what she was doing. Why was she dressed like that? It had the appearance of a date, which only increased my anxiety. By this time, I was certain she knew how I felt about her. And up to this point, she hadn't made any move to keep me at bay. And the more I considered it, the more I unconsciously believed she didn't disapprove. We hadn't been physically intimate, aside from sitting next to each other on the couch or lying on the floor in her room looking out the window. And she had only been on that one date not long after graduation in May. Never did she mention any guys she was interested in, but that's just the way she was. She didn't talk about such things, except maybe with Kelly. 

By four in the morning, she still wasn't home. I worried myself sick, scared she wouldn't return, nearly vomiting twice in the bathroom. I made several lonely walks around my building, and then around the block, always keeping an eye out for Caroline's car. Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and went to my room and collapsed on the bed. 

When I awoke the next morning, bright light shone through my window. I yawned and slowly sat up and ran a hand over my face. I looked at the clock. It was a little after seven. I remembered Caroline and jumped from the bed. 

My heart was pounding when I stepped into the hall. I looked to her door and let out a long sigh. It was closed. After catching my breath, I walked down and carefully peered inside. She was lying in bed on her side, legs curled up and hands to her chest, still wearing the same clothes from the night before. Her shoes were toppled at the side of the bed and her long hair was down and tangled all around her shoulders.

At noon, I checked in on her for the fifth time, eager for her to get up so I could ask where she had been. By one, I was tired of waiting, so went into her room and shook her shoulder. She groaned and rolled over, squinting at me through sleepy eyes.

"What is it?"

My face twitched and I slipped my fingers into my pockets.

"Um. Hey. It's a little after one." She looked over her shoulder at the clock and rolled away. "Did -- Are you hungry? Want to get some lunch?"

Her shoulder rose and fell, and she murmured yes. She didn't move for a moment, and I wondered if she was still too tired. But then she stretched out her legs and pointed her toes. She rose onto an elbow and sat motionless. Her face sagged and hair stuck out every which way. She wrinkled her nose and squinted up at me. I tried to smile and she held out a small hand. I helped her from the bed and she trudged to her closet. She opened the door and brought her hands to her chest and looked down. When I realized what she was doing, I slipped out of the room. 

While Caroline showered, I sat on the couch, tapping my fingers on my knee and wishing she would hurry. I kept looking to the clock and back to the TV. I propped my elbow on the arm of the couch and rested my head against my hand.

When the showered turned off, I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. Finally. But I still didn't move. She was just done with her shower and had to get dressed. So I sat and stared blankly at the television and waited. 

I closed my eyes and sighed. I heard bare feet patter across the kitchen floor. I looked over, but couldn't see her. The refrigerator door opened and closed. I sighed and looked to the television. 

From the corner of my eye and almost too quick to notice, she crossed the short distance from the kitchen to the hall. I looked over in time to see her naked body. Wrapped around her head was a thick green towel. I slowly sat up and my heart banged in my chest. I clamped my eyes tight, but her image was burned there. I saw tan legs and arms and a white torso and buttocks. 

I pinched my eyes and shook my head.

"What sounds good for lunch?"

Startled, I flinched and opened my eyes. Caroline stood a few feet before me brushing her hair, wearing denim shorts and a gray t-shirt. I took a deep breath and sat up straight.

"Doesn't matter to me. Whatever you'd like."

With her head tilted to one side and still working the brush through her wet hair, she grinned wide at me. It was all I needed to erase the accumulated worry and anxiety. ------------------------------------

While Caroline changed clothes in her room, I called Jerry to see if he wanted to go out for pizza with us. But his mother answered and said he wasn't home. She didn't know where he went, but promised to let him know I called. Before hanging up, she said, "And that was very nice of your sister to take him to dinner last night. I think he was rather pleasantly surprised." I wrinkled my nose and looked down to her room. 

When Caroline finally emerged, I was sitting on the couch with my hands in my lap. She pulled her white ball cap on her head and grinned over at me. "Ready?" she asked. I rose and followed out to her car.

She was lively and talkative and I felt bad for not being in the same mood. Several times that evening I wanted to ask what they had done, where they went, why they were out so late, and why she did it. 

I stood holding a pool cue in my hands and watched as Caroline bent over the table with hers and took aim. She wasn't very good. The balls cracked and bounced about. Several fell into various pockets around the table. She rose with a smile and said, "Did you see that? Three of them went in."

I tried to smile. 

"One of them was mine."

"Oh. I see. Does that mean it's your turn now?"

I nodded and she grinned.

The remainder of the evening was like this. 

We arrived home shortly after eleven. While I went to my room, Caroline went to hers. Those nagging questions still festered and were by now being fueled by a growing jealousy. What could she possibly see in him? Jerry was tall and fat, clumsy sometimes and uncouth others. But he was also intelligent and had a raw sense of humor. And he was leaving the next day. Perhaps she simply wanted to spend an evening alone with her new friend. He would graduate from college the following May and it was unlikely we would see him after that. 

I stepped into the hall and down to her door. It was slightly ajar and I knocked.

"You can come in."

I pushed open the door and stepped inside. Caroline stood before her dresser with her hands behind her back. It looked like she was taking off her bra. I hemmed and coughed and quickly stepped back, but she turned to me and smiled. She was putting it back on. As she adjusted the straps, she walked toward me. I tried to think of a reason to be there. 

"I, uh. Are you tired? I'm not really tired. Are you?"

She sank her hands into the back pockets of her shorts and made a slight shrug. "A little," she replied. "Why? Did you want to stay up?" I gave a fitful nod and she asked if I wanted something to drink. I nodded again and she slipped around to the hall.  

When she returned from the kitchen, I was sitting on her bed gripping my knees. 

"I'm sorry. There was only one bottle left. Have to share."

I nodded and she handed it to me. I took a quick sip and handed it back. She stood for a moment, and then sat next to me holding the bottle in her lap. 

We stared at the wall.

"Would you like to lie down?"

I coughed and nodded.

"What."

"Lie down."

"Oh. Yes. Okay."

After some clumsy maneuvering, we lay on her alongside each other staring at the ceiling.

Caroline asked if she could turn on her radio. "It's a little quiet," she said. I nodded and she rose from the bed. My eyes turned to watch her step to the dresser. After a few static-filled adjustments, her dark room echoed with soft music. As she walked back to me, I looked to the ceiling.

"Gil."

"Yes."

"I'm a little warm. Are you?"

I shrugged and nodded.

"You look a little warm. If you'd like to get comfortable, you can."

I nodded and thanked her. My sister remained standing at the side of the bed, apparently waiting for me to get comfortable. I rose at the waist and clumsily pulled my t-shirt over my head. I tossed it to the foot of the bed. She looked to where it landed, and then to me. I lay back down and stared at the ceiling. 

"Do you mind too terribly if I get comfortable?"

I tried to be casual and gave an indifferent shrug.

"Oh. No. That's fine."

From the corner of my eye, I could see Caroline's hands come to her waist. There was a snap and the faint sound of a zipper. I held a hand to my mouth and coughed. I could see her bending forward, pushing her shorts down her legs. Then she rose.

"Gil."

"All right."

When she didn't reply, my eyes darted to her. She was wearing only her white panties and bra. She reached up and pulled her ponytail free. After shaking her hair, she reached behind her back. My eyes shot to the ceiling.

"Gil."

I swallowed nervously.

"Yes. I'm right here."

I could see her hands moving, but tried not to notice. Then she flung something to the end of the bed near where my shirt lay. 

"Gil."

I sniffed and said, "Yes?"

Caroline was quiet. She was waiting for me to look. My eyes slowly closed, and then opened. I turned them to her. She stood there in silence wearing only her panties. My eyes fell to her small breasts, barely protruding from her chest. I stared for a moment, mesmerized by their appearance. For so long I had wondered about them and now here they were, small and white with two small round nipples perched atop each. I forced my eyes to her face. She studied me for a moment, and then hooked her thumbs under the waist of her panties. I watched as she rolled them down her hips. She stepped out of them, and then eased onto the bed. I cleared my throat and looked to the ceiling. 

We were quiet for some time, and when a break came between songs on the radio, she said my name.

"Gil."

"Okay."

"Can I ask you something?"

I nodded.

"That's fine."

"I'm just wondering is all."

I nodded again.

"Yes. Okay. I understand."

"It's about how you act around me."

"Oh."

"I was just wondering."

"No. I see."

We were quiet for a while and when another song ended, she spoke.

"Gil."

"Yes."

"Are you attracted to me?"

"What."

"Because of how you act. I was just wondering."

"I act."

"Yes. And you have an erection. Do you?"

I coughed and cleared my throat.

"Caroline. I --"

"Because if you do, I mean, that's okay. I don't mind."

"Caroline."

"I guess I know how you feel."

"Well."

For a short time she was quiet.

"Gil, are you?"

"Yes."

"All right. I was just wondering. You can touch me if you want."

I furrowed my brow, wondering what to do, but then pushed up onto my elbows. When I looked to her lying next to me, she wore a small grin. My eyes fell across her body and my pulse raced. I turned on my side and carefully lay a hand to her stomach. 

"Is this okay?"

She nodded.

As my hand began to glide over her smooth skin, her eyes strained down her nose to watch. Then she reached up and propped her head higher on the pillow. My hand came to rest on a small breast. Her nipple was rigid, and when my fingers gently tugged, she gave an airy giggle. I leaned into her chest and planted my mouth over the one closest. She sighed and wrapped her arm around my head. 

As I licked and kissed, I rolled atop her. Caroline parted her legs. Her hand found my erection and guided me to her. As I slipped into her warm body, she arched her back and groaned. I gasped and clamped my eyes. I was inside my sister. 

Neither of us moved, only breathing heavily in each other's ear. When her vagina contracted around me, I winced and moaned. I tried to withdraw, but her thighs held me tight. "Keep it in," she breathed heavily.

I lifted my head. My face was very near hers.

"Caroline."

"Don't."

"I don't -- I don't have one on."

Her eyes remained closed and her neck craned back. She contracted again and her entire body convulsed. It was more than I could take. I hooked my hands to her shoulders and grimaced hard. She grunted and bucked her hips. I ejaculated into her. 

I threw my head back and began humping against her body.

For the remainder of the night, we took turns mounting each other. ------------------------------------

Early the next day, I drove to Jerry's house. 

"I'm so sorry about your father. He was a very nice man."

I thanked Jerry's mother as she escorted me through the house. 

At the back patio, she pointed and said, "I think he's feeling rather blue about leaving. I'm sure it will cheer him up to see you before he goes." 

As I walked across the lawn, my mind worked in a flurry. I debated whether I should tell him about Caroline and I.

Jerry sat on the bench in front of the pond. He lifted a hand to his face, and then dropped it down. A small gray cloud swirled before him. When I stopped next to him, I took a deep breath and pushed my hands into my pockets. He didn't look up, only staring straight ahead.

"So. Hey."

He brought the cigarette to his mouth, and when he pulled it away, I noticed it was my sister's brand. My knees began trembling.

Jerry blinked and looked up.

"Yeah. Hey." 

Then his eyes fell forward.

"Gonna leave soon?"

He flicked the spent cigarette across the grass, then leaned forward and clasped his hands. His face barely moved in a nod.

"So. You guys went to dinner or something?"

Jerry sat back and pulled his hands along his thighs.

"Yeah. We went to dinner."

After a short pause, I asked, "Anything else?"




Little Fish



His heavy chest rose, and then quickly fell. He closed his eyes and chuckled.

"Man. I take back every fucking cruel and insensitive thing I ever said about her." When he opened his eyes, he looked up to me. His face was very sad. "Gil, I'm telling you right now, I take it all back."

I fidgeted with my feet and cleared my throat.

"Okay. That's - How come?"

He looked across the pond.

"She's not a slut or a whore. She never was." Before I could speak, he looked up to me and said, "She was a virgin before the other night." 

My mouth opened and closed rapidly and I coughed. He scooted to one side and I sat next to him on the bench. 

"How -- What happened?"

He dropped his head and laughed.

"What the fuck do you mean, what happened? We fucked, that's what happened."

My vision blurred and breathing slowed. I inhaled deeply and held my breath.

"Did -- Did you use a rubber?" 

"Hell fucking yes, I used a rubber."

He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and tapped one out. 

"So. How do you know she was a virgin?"

Jerry lifted a lighter to his mouth, but dropped it and said, "Now how the fuck do you think I would know that?"

With a shrug, I replied, "Well. She could have just said it."

He lit his cigarette and wagged his head.

"Right. She told me she was. And when we took a shower later there was blood on my cock. And I'm pretty fucking sure it wasn't mine."

I wrinkled my nose and turned to him.

"Where the hell did you guys go?"

My hand rose and I pointed to the house, but he laughed and wagged his head and blew out a stream of smoke.

"Jesus Christ. That's right. We fucked in my bedroom. Right across from my fucking parent's room." Then he looked to me with a smirk. "Dumbass. We got a hotel room. Correction: She got us a room. I had no fucking idea any of this shit was going down."

We stared at the pond. 

"So. It was her idea?"

Jerry took a long drag and nodded.

"Damn fucking straight it was." Then he turned and shook the cigarette at me. "And as God is my fucking witness, Gil, when she started taking her shit off in that room, I stood there and said no. I told that crazy sister of yours no. No fucking way. Not with her."

I looked down to my hands in my lap.

"How come?"

Jerry furrowed his brow and looked away.

"What do you mean, how come? Why the hell do you think?" I shrugged and went to speak, but he cut me off, saying, "Fuck, man. It's Caroline. Okay? You get it? Caroline." He looked away and wagged his head. "It was just wrong," he muttered.

"Then why'd you do it?"

I awaited an expletive-laden answer, but when he didn't reply, I turned to him. 

"Why'd you do it?"

Jerry closed his eyes.

"Because I'm a fucking idiot."

"Did she tell you why?"

"Yes."

"So. What was it?"

He sighed and leaned back, crossing one heavy leg over the other.

"So I'd never forget her."

We stared at the pond and after a time he said, "She got that right. We fucked the shit outa each other all night long. Non-fucking-stop. And now I got that burned into my skull for the rest of my God damn miserable life." When I looked to him, he was staring at me with sad eyes. "Man, I'm really sorry, Gil. I told her I didn't want it. I told her to give it to you, but she said no."

I gulped and looked ahead.

"Do -- Do you know why she said that?"

He took a breath and leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees. He clasped his hands and said, "I think she wants you to have something else. She didn't say what she meant, but now that I've been sitting here thinking about it, I think I know what it is." I wanted to ask, but before I could, he said, "And in case you're slow to catch on, she's completely in love with you." My heart pounded and I felt sick to my stomach. "She didn't come right out and say it, but the way she talked about you, I'd bet my balls she is."

My fingers gripped my knees and my body stiffened. 

"Okay. I see. Thank you."

He stared off and asked, "Man, didn't you ever notice -- I mean, we never saw it. The way she always acted around you? Think about it, man. Think back to how she was always quiet around you. Didn't you ever stop and wonder why?" My chin jittered and I held up a hand. "Me neither," he said. "Not until she told me over dinner." I coughed and asked what she said. He raised his eyebrows. "Fucking everything, man, everything. That woman poured her heart out to me. I swear to God, I almost got up and left."

"What - What'd she say?"

"You'd have to talk to her yourself about that. If she wants to tell you, she will. I'm not getting involved. Not any more I'm not, you can bank on that shit, my friend."

We were quiet for a time. I didn't know what to say or how to react. For the last few years, I thought something was wrong with me for longing after my sister. But being around Jerry all that time and hearing him talk lewdly about her and knowing he accepted that I had similar feelings made me feel it was okay. I suppose being around him made me feel less of a deviant. Perhaps I thought if he was a little screwed up, it was okay if I was, too. 

He took a deep breath and clapped his hands to his knees. "Well." He pushed up from the bench and I slowly rose with him. Then he struck out a hand to me. I stared at it for a moment, and then slowly took it. He gave a firm shake. "Been nice knowin' ya, man." I gave a jerky nod and he said, "You two have a good life. You were meant for each other." Then he turned and walked for the house, but paused and looked back. "Gil." I looked over and he said, "I don't pretend to understand what it is with you two, and it's none of my business. But give her a good life. She deserves that. She's a beautiful person and there aren't many of those in the world." Then he raised a hand and continued to the house. "Your secret's safe with me."

That was the last time I ever saw Jerome Schwartz. The following year, he graduated from college and went on to medical school to become a surgeon. ------------------------------------

October

Caroline was supposed to move out at the end of August, but it never happened. The subject was never broached. She had her full scholarship and could have lived on her own in the resident halls, but chose otherwise. 

I came home from class to find her sitting on the living room floor. Before her was a large orange pumpkin atop several sheets of newspaper. She was carving out the lid, her tongue wedged in her cheek, and she grinned at me as she struggled to work the knife. I set my book bag on the floor and sat on the couch to watch. 

"I got two. One for me and one for you."

I smiled and thanked her. 

When the knife made its circuit around the top of the pumpkin, she carefully pulled it out and set it on the newspaper. Then she rotated the pumpkin so the lid was facing me. Wearing something of a snarl, she gripped the green thing at the top and said, "Wanna see its guts?" I furrowed my brow, while she slowly peeled back the lid. "Ew. Look at that. Disgusting. Pumpkin guts." Then she reached inside and pulled out a stringy mass of seeds. She held out her slimy hand and squished the contents until they dripped onto the paper. "Ew. Doesn't it make you sick?"

That night we lay on a blanket on the floor of her room, staring out the window to the balcony where the two pumpkins sat staring back with glowing yellow eyes. Caroline held a bottle of Coke to her lips and tilted her head back. Then she handed it to me. 

She folded her arms on her pillow and laid her head down. She was facing me and wearing a soft smile. 

"How are your classes?"

"Fine," she murmured. 

"Almost done with midterms?"

Caroline nodded.

"Do you think we're bad people?"

She wagged her sleepy head.

"Do you want to sleep in my room or yours?"

"Yours," she whispered.

I never forgot Jerry's parting words -- that Caroline was a beautiful person and his request to I give her a good life. And that is what I did.