13 comments/ 82260 views/ 18 favorites I'm a Girl! By: amicus All Characters in this story are fictional and age eighteen or over. - Amicus * I woke up with a smile on my lips; not unusual, really, I was always pretty happy but this morning, this morning, the smile was different. "I'm a girl!" I said it out loud, lifted my feet out of the covers and spun all the way around twice on my butt before I put my feet on the floor. "I'm a girl!" But I had to pee, bad; even girls pee, right? We just do so quietly and daintily. My brother was just coming out of the bathroom, I was still in the triple XXX T-shirt that said: "GRUNGE!" across the front and just panties underneath, so I jumped up and down three times making my boobs bounce and said, "I'm a Girl!" out loud right in his face. He backed away with his hands warding me off. "Yuck! Get away from me!" I did my thing in the bathroom, brushed my hair the required hundred times and my teeth not quite so much, looked at my still smiling face and stuck my tongue out at myself in the mirror. I clumped out of the bathroom making enough noise on the floor so that my mother could hear I was up and about. I went back to my room, opened the closet doors and started rummaging through the few things that were on hangars, blinked a bunch went back to the dresser and pulled open all the drawers searching for something to wear. "MO-OM!" I screamed at the top of my voice, "I have nothing to wear! Mo-om!" I heard footsteps moving quickly up the stairs and my mother burst through the door with a concerned look on her face, I never screeched and hardly ever raised my voice in the house. "Jenna! What's wrong?" "I don't have anything at all to wear to school today!" She just stared at me blankly. You have to understand that my normal tomboy outfit was old faded jeans or coverall's, and oversized boy's shirt, usually one of my brother's old ones, a hoody, and one of several pairs of scuffed up grass stained gym shoes. And I usually just piled my hair up or slapped an off-centered pony tail, it took less than a minute to dress. I can't even remember the last dress I had, I think my dad bought one at a mall for me, I wore it once just to please him and then put it away and never wore it again. "I have absolutely nothing to wear!" I couldn't believe that whining petulant voice I was hearing was mine, I never talked like that. Mom couldn't believe it either, she just stood there, staring at me with wide eyes and an open mouth. "Jen, you have all the clothes you have always had, what are you looking for?" "Something pretty, a skirt, a blouse, a dress, something girlish, you know!" "You want to wear a skirt, a dress?" She looked at me in disbelief and then I heard her muttering to herself under her breath as she quickly looked through the closet and a couple of drawers I had left open. "There's nothing mom, nothing at all!" There was that voice again, a whiny girl's voice. "You are serious, Jenna? Not just funning around?" I was close to tears, again, something I never, ever did. She noticed and stepped up close and draped an arm around my shoulders. "I may have something of mine, but it would be boxed up somewhere, attic, basement, it will take hours to look and then I don't know....we can go shopping tonight, after dinner, you can buy all the things you want. That would make me so happy Jen, and I would love helping you pick things out and try them on, I have always wanted to share that with you. Wonderful!" "But mom, what am I going to wear now? I just have to dress like a girl, I have to!" I guess she heard it in my voice as her face reflected concern and frustration and then a smile broke out. "I have an idea!" She took my hand and led me down the hall to the larger closet for coats and jackets and wet weather things, went down on her knees and a minute later came up with a fair sized cardboard box with a strip of duct tape across the top. "That movie all the kids liked a few years ago with the pretty little school girl, remember?" "Yeah, the Harry Potter thing...?" "Remember? You were assigned the role in the drama class skit and you had to do it for the grade. I remember how you hated it, but it looked really adorable on you. I was so proud!" She ripped the tape off the box and held up the white nylon blouse and the pleated dark skirt and handed them to me and then came up with the white calf high stockings and the clumpy brown shoes that went with it. "There!" If it fit, it just might work. I beamed. "Oh, thank you mom, thank you, thank you, thank you, I hope I can still get into it." She stayed with me in the bathroom as I put the blouse on, uh, it was a little tight and stretched, I had grown a little bigger up there. The skirt, uhmm...well, it is more like a mini now, and the waist was a little snug but Yes! I would work!" I gave her a huge hug and squeeze and then she pulled on my hand and dragged me down the stairs to her bathroom. Even I was surprised as I watched the eye shadow and liner and foundation and blush and lip color turn the face I had always lived with into something not bad at all! Mom was glowing as she looked at the finished result. "My, my Jenna, where did that lovely young girl come from?" There were tears in her eyes and we hugged again. I put on the shoes and stockings but decided not to wear the little jacket that came with it, I was looking at myself in the full length mirror, not quite believing what my eyes beheld when: "Breakfast!" Mom was calling from downstairs. My brother, Jimmie turned pink and blinked his eyes and shook his head. "Jenna?" His look was incredulous and it was in his voice also. "I didn't know you were so pretty and you've got boobs!" My mom and I laughed and I shook them at him again. "I'm a Girl, silly!" It is only a short walk to school, a few blocks, and we had developed a routine over the years. Friends would wait outside on the street until we came out and we would gather others as we walked as a group. Well, not one group, Jimmie had his friends and I had mine and we usually separated by a few steps from each other but still jabbered back and forth. Almost all my friends were guy friends, boys I had grown up with and ran with. I was always more comfortable around boys. I used to be able to keep up with them; I could run faster, climb as high or higher than any of them and would do way more things on dare than they would. I was a real tomboy and I could scuffle with the best of them. Then they all got taller and bigger and it became harder and harder to keep up. I finally knew, one day when Jimmie put a hand on my back and one under my butt and picked me up and lifted me over his head. After that I was more of a tag-along, still better at a lot of things but not even close anymore in size and strength. It bothered me for a while. The small group of friends that waited outside the house looked up and waved as we came out the door and then they dropped their arms and nobody said a word. That felt odd. I blinked my eyes a bunch of times and announced loudly: "I'M A GIRL!" Then I went to each one, one at a time, "I'm a girl!" "Jenna?" "Is that really Jenna?" "Wow!" "Where did she come from?" Jimmie didn't join his regular group. He stayed right by my side, sometimes taking my arm when someone else joined up. "She's a girl!" He must have said a dozen times as we walked along. "She's a girl!" The two groups separated leaving Jimmie and I between them as we made our way to school. I must have said that a hundred times as each class gathered and then in the hallways at change of class time. I felt wonderful; bubbly, bouncy, happy and I even liked all the looks and stares and open mouths and: "Who is that?", "New girl?" "That's not really Jenna?" The buzz kept up, all morning and I was loving it! I even had the courage to walk right up to one of the teachers I knew. "I'm a girl!" Got an amused smile and then a look of disbelief as he recognized me. It was the strangest day of my whole life. We had also adopted another habit, that of meeting just before the last class of the day outside the Gym and touching base about any plans for after school. I made my usual way to the meeting place, nodding and smiling as more and more of the guys I knew headed for the same area. Usually there were several different groups, three or four talking and chatting. This time as I moved closer to the area I saw they were all gathered in sort of a semi-circle. There was always a little 'horseplay' going on, bumping shoulders, high-fives, goofing around as the school day was down to the last hour.. So it didn't surprise me as I approached, to feel a shoulder bump into mine. I bumped back and looked up but almost lost my balance as I got 'bumped' on the other side. "Jenna's a girl!" Someone said. "I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl! Went reverberating through the crowd of mostly boys. Then I felt another bump and a push on my back and suddenly I was surrounded and right in the middle. "She's got tits!" "And ass!" "Tits and Ass, Tits and Ass, Tits and Ass!" They were all saying it, over and over again. And then they moved in closer, almost touching me. Then there was a hand on my butt and someone squeezed. I whirled around and tried to push him away. Then, and I couldn't really believe it, there was a hand on my chest and someone squeezed my breast. "Stop it!" I said in a loud voice. "And Pussy, she's got a Pussy! Pussy, Pussy, Pussy!" And then there were hands all over me, hands on my legs, under my skirt and God! Someone had a hand all the way up between my legs and more hands behind me and in front of me and it wasn't the least bit funny anymore. I struggled and tried to hit out and kick out but there were too many of them and I was getting mauled. So I screamed at the top of voice. I didn't know I could scream that loud. One of those blood curdling ones you hear in the movie when someone is being murdered. And I just kept on screaming and screaming and biting a hand that tried to cover my mouth. God, someone please stop this! I thought to myself and then looked in amazement as one of the boys seemed to be propelled straight up into the air above the crowd. Then another and another seemed to be snatched away and I heard cursing and grunts and the sound of punches being thrown and landed. I put my hands on my head and my forearms over my face and hunkered down as best I could as everything went really crazy. It finally quieted down and I heard a deep voice: "Are you all right?" No, I wasn't all right, not a bit. I couldn't believe or even understand what had just happened or why. I opened my eyes and saw two of the biggest guys in school standing guard over me and glaring at any remaining boys. There was blood on the floor and more on the guy's shirts. They had Gym clothes on, probably working out. They were big, with thick necks and bulky shoulders and huge biceps that they always showed off with short sleeve T's pulled up high. "Are you okay? Jenna? Is that you in a dress?" I blinked and tried to smile as I recognized him. One of the guys from years back. He dropped out of our little pack and went into full time sports with a lot of after school things. "Jenna, I'm so sorry, I wish we could have gotten here sooner." "Me too." Said the other guy. "Really sorry. Fuckin' animals." Then it seemed like delayed reactions as teachers boiled out of class rooms and even the uniformed security guy showed up. A woman teacher came up to me, put her arm around me and half carried, half walked me into a teacher's lounge area. I collapsed on a large sofa, closed my eyes and tried to think. "How could something like this happen in my school?" A gruff, angry man's voice quieted the room of soft voiced teachers. "Where the hell was Security?" Where were the Hall Monitors?" I heard something about kids cutting out during the last class and everyone was trying to explain and I started crying. A woman teacher was quickly by my side, took my hand and led me into the washroom. "Fix yourself up a little Jenna. I'm afraid they tore your blouse." I looked into the mirror. My hair was in tangles, the top button was hanging by a thread. Damn, someone had stuck his hand down my blouse, I remember it now. My skirt was twisted around almost sideways and the make-up job my mother had done was smeared and streaked from my tears. There wasn't much I could do to fix it so I just cleaned most of it off and sighed. So much for 'I'm a girl'; I don't think I want to be one anymore. I went back into the teacher's lounge and was greeted by a roomful of concerned eyes and soft words. I shook my head," I'm going home. Not going back to class, don't ever want to see this school again." They asked if they should call my parents. No one was home, wouldn't be for hours and dad was away on a trip somewhere. "There are two boys outside asking how you are, Jenna, the ones that broke it up, I think." "Okay." Oh. I needed to thank them. I don't think I did. "Can they come in for a minute? I don't want to go out there." They came in. I thanked them, they blushed and shuffled their feet and said 'sorry' all over again. "I need a way home..." "Does someone have a car?" I heard a voice say. "I'm not getting in any car with any one!" That silenced the buzzing room. "I can walk home, it's close." "You shouldn't walk alone, Jenna." "We'll be glad to walk you home." It was the two guys. I wasn't sure what to say, accept or not. "You'll walk her to her door, see her safely inside and report back to me as soon as you do!" There was that angry authoritative voice again. Where was he when I needed him? It was rude of me not to speak to the two guys as they walked me home, but I thought they understood and walked in silence one on each side. I still didn't want to believe what had happened. I had been showing off, I know, bouncing my boobs, swishing the already short skirt so that it whirled out and up and showed even more thigh, but even so, damn, to do that to me, in school, and nobody stopped it? No, I just couldn't fit it into my head. Then we were at my door. I thanked them again and they stayed until I closed the door behind me. I dropped my book bag on the floor in the hallway along with the small purse I always carried and thought I needed a long hot shower to wash away the hands that had touched me. I didn't think it would wash away. I walked slowly up the stairs, 'trudged' is more like, I guess, paused at the bathroom door and decided I needed clean underwear and something else to put on so I walked down to my room and through the door. I started to turn my head towards a blur of motion I sensed off to the right but before I could even get the thought done, a large hand covered my mouth, an arm went across my chest and clamped down and my other arm was pressed against someone and I couldn't move it. This is not happening, I thought in panic. Just not happening! But it was, and quicker than I could imagine, I felt a pair of arms behind my knees and I was lifted off the floor and I felt myself being carried; oh my God! To my bed that's where they... they; there are two of them! Oh, God, please don't let this happen! I open my mouth under the hand and screamed, it was just muffled sound. They didn't drop me on the bed; they didn't 'put' me or 'place' me on the bed, the guy with his hand over my mouth leaned over and fell right on top of me. I heard the air gush out of my mouth and nose and then I really couldn't breathe, couldn't catch my breath. Then my legs were down and a heavy weight mashed me into the mattress. I couldn't move my arms or my legs, I couldn't scream, I just tried to arch my body up and away, it didn't do any good. Then the weight on my chest lifted and my arms were jerked up and it felt like a leg held me down. I felt a hand on my breast and then my blouse being pulled up and out of my skirt and a hand on my bare skin and then he pushed the blouse and my bra up and around my neck and I felt the warmth and wetness of a mouth on my breast. I tried to scream, tried to move away, but I couldn't. Please God, don't let this happen to me! I never prayed before, not really. I couldn't stop it no matter what I tried. The weight on my legs shifted and I felt hands going up inside my skirt, all the way and then felt my underwear being pulled down. I struggled and arched and tried to pull away and tried not to think and feel the hand and mouth on my breasts. "Oh, God!" I arched my body and tried to squirm away as I felt my panties being pulled down my thighs and a hand push against me and I felt something pushed inside, a finger moving quickly in and out of me. I arched away. "Please stop it!" I screamed under the hand over my mouth. I tried to move again when the weight changed on my legs and the rough material of a shoe scraped along in side my thighs, pushing my panties down and down around my ankles and off. The weight lifted and I tried to move and heard the sound of a zipper. "God, no!" Then the hand moved away from between my legs and I felt another hand on my other leg and my thighs being pushed apart and a body lowered itself between my open legs. "Please, NO!" I couldn't stop anything, couldn't do anything, couldn't scream. I felt him move up farther between my legs and something pushing against me. I tried to scoot up and away and move to the side. I heard a grunt and a curse and something pushed hard against me and again and again and "Oh! God! Please! No! NO!' And I felt something push inside me, I tensed my whole body but it didn't stop he scooted up pushed deeper inside me, grunted and pushed and pushed until he was up against me and still it didn't stop." I tried to lift my foot and push him away, I strained to pull my arms free, I tried to pull my body back and away and nothing worked. Tears are pouring out of my eyes, I can't catch my breath, my body feels rigid under him and I felt the terrible loss of will as I quit fighting. I heard my own breath being forced out of my mouth every time he came up hard against me. "Uh....Uh!....Uh....Uh...Ohhh..ahuh,..Uh..." I hated hearing that. Then fingers dug harshly into my shoulders. "Uh..UH..Uh..UH. NO! UH,UH,UH!" Then I heard a groan and another hard push and another and another and then the weight was back on my chest and I felt the harsh breath on my neck and shoulder. Then a little whimper of my own as the tears poured down the sides of my face. The hand over my mouth eased a little and I drew in huge breaths of air and found it hard to breathe with the weight on me. No one moved for a moment as I continued to breathe as deep as I could. I felt the hips between my thighs, I felt the weight on my stomach....I didn't feel anything inside me...and the hot breath on my neck. I got a few more deep breaths and heard a gruff low masculine voice from somewhere over my head and above me. "Get off!" "Oh,God!" I knew there were two of them, I knew they were both going to do it too; I didn't want admit it or know it. "Oh, please, God, no more!" Maybe I could scream, as loud as I could if he took his hand away. If they let my hands, even one hand loose, I could push him away, if they left my legs free I could kick and push him away. I didn't get even a little chance. Almost like they had rehearsed it; maybe they had. The leg came off of my hands, replaced by a tight grip around my wrists. The weight on my legs eased and moved and another weight descended, the hand left my mouth and before I could take a breath to scream, another hand came down. I could feel the mattress giving as they moved, scooted, crawled, one up, one down on each side. I never had a chance. Then the weight left my legs and I pulled them tightly together, before I thought to lift a foot and kick or push. My knee was pushed down as soon as I brought it up and I heard another zipper sound. Oh, damn... I'm a Girl! He didn't push my legs apart. I felt the mattress lower on each side of my knees as he moved over me, keeping a hand on my knees so I couldn't thrust up at him. Then I felt him lower his weight on top of my legs. I sensed he was looking down at me and I didn't like the feeling. Then I felt a hand, on my thigh, inside my thigh moving up. I tensed, expecting another finger to be jabbed inside me I tested how much I could move...hardly at all...closed my eyes and released a long sigh, will this never end! His hand moved higher on me and I tensed again and clamped my legs as tight together as I could. He pushed a hand all the way down between my legs and I felt it open and he covered me and the other hand came slowly up my leg and to my abdomen just above the bone and began lightly massaging me. I felt my stomach quiver and tighten. "Oh!" The sound came out of my lips as I felt his fingers begin probing and pushing apart the folds and creases between my legs. "Oh, God...stop that!" The other hand on my stomach moved up, I felt fingers touching me, feeling me as they moved closer to my breasts and the tingling I didn't want to feel began in my chest and the warmth I didn't want to feel began between my legs, Oh, God, don't let this happen! The I heard myself gasp as a single finger moved up and up and touched and stopped. Oh, no! He knew right where to touch me there, I instantly felt nerve ends twitch and the feeling spread down my legs and up into my body, oh, God, I don't want to feel that!" But he kept rubbing slowly and gently and the fingers climbed up my breast and began teasing a nipple. I strained to move away, tried not to feel. My whole body shuddered. I just stopped. I let myself go limp; I would feel nothing. It almost worked. He took the hand away from my breast, stopped rubbing me down there and moved his hand down. I felt the pressure and tensed as he pushed a finger into me, farther and farther and I felt hard knuckles come up against me and I felt the finger moving and touching me inside. I held my breath and tried not to feel anything. "OH!" God what was that?" He heard me and I heard him chuckle, "Found it, huh?" He kept moving his finger in that one place and everything began to heat up and have feeling again. I never felt anything like that before. I don't know what he was touching but, oh! So I tried to shut down again. Went limp, relaxed everything and tried not to feel anything. He noticed it. I heard a little amused sound from him and he stopped moving the finger and took it away from me. I let out the breath I had been holding in and then gasped again as he moved up, lowered himself down and I felt something hot on my stomach. "Oh!" As he leaned forward over me I felt the pressure come off my knees. I could feel his weight on both sides of me but my legs were free. I took a deep breath, gathered myself and was about lift my knees hard up into him when his hand went down and pressed on my knees. "Don't even try!" I exhaled and relaxed and sighed; nothing I did worked. He moved up more so that if I did raise my knee under him it wouldn't matter. I felt him moving. He leaned over me, closer, and I felt his breath on my breast and I tensed as I waited for the torture of my poor nipples to begin again. They both had concentrated on my left breast, I don't know why but I tried to steel myself and pull away even though I knew I couldn't move. Something soft touched the underside of my breast and I held my breath, then I felt the lips moving on me and the slight pressure that wasn't painful at all. "Ohh." As the lips moved up and I felt his tongue circling my nipple touched and probing each little bump. Oh, don't do that...I don't want to feel that.... Then I gasped as I felt his mouth close over the top of my breast and his tongue started teasing the nipple. Then his hand moved down and between my legs, right to the place he was touching before. No, no no no, no; I won't feel that and I tried to take myself to some other place. I held my breath, went rigid and stayed that way until I had to take a breath. He noticed immediately and stopped moving his hand and his mouth. I felt the heat on my stomach move up and felt his breath on my face and then on my neck and shoulder. "You don't just give up and cry. I like a fighter. Makes it more fun for me." I felt the breath in my ear as he whispered. I moved my head away from him and let the tears flow. When I moved my head I thought I saw a glint of light. I moved again, trying to dislodge whatever they had covering my eyes. I felt him rise up and I felt a hand adjust it up over the bridge of my nose and back onto my forehead. Nothing I did seemed to work. I couldn't see, I couldn't scream, I couldn't move, I couldn't fight, I couldn't do anything, and I sobbed and even more tears rolled. Please, God, let this be over, send someone to help me, make them go away, please oh, please. He moved his head up and over my face and I could feel and smell his breath, it didn't smell very good and I tried to turn away. I felt a hand grasp my chin and move my face and the hand covering my mouth went away and his mouth was on mine. NO! Don't do that. Don't kiss me! But he did, again and again. I clamped my lips together, struggling to breathe through my tear filled nose. He took his mouth away and I took a breath and felt a hand behind my neck and felt fingers grasping the small hairs at the hairline. He put his face next to my ear and whispered, "I like a little participation." He moved back over my face, lowered and put his lips on mine and pushed against my lips. I just closed my lips tight again. "Owww!" I screeched as he yanked hard on my hair and pressed his lips on mine again. "Owww! No, I won't! Ouch!" No! Oww, damn! No!" "Just pretend you're kissin' your boyfriend or just fake movin' your lips, I don't care." He whispered in my ear again. "Oww!" "No!" "Owww! Oh, damn." I don't want to kiss him, I don't even want to pretend I don't want..."Owww!" Oh, damn, oh God. "Ouch!" I moved my lips. He kissed me again and again, I moved my lips and cried. He moved his head away from my mouth and closer to my ear. "You can do better than that but that will do for now." Then he moved his body down and lowered his face onto my breast again. It was easier to ignore the feeling with the pain still fresh in my hair. Harder when he put his hand between my legs again. I tensed and stirred but tried not to feel anything. Pain helps you stop feeling things? Did I read that somewhere, see it in a movie, I.... He ran his hand up my arm to my wrist and I felt my hand come free. He pulled it down, lifted up and pulled it underneath him and I felt something hot against the side of my hand. "Oh!" I don't want to touch that! Why is he doing this? His head was alongside mine. "Put your hand around me." He whispered. I tried to pull my hand away, I felt his other hand go up behind my neck again. "Don't hurt me!" "Put your hand on me." He pushed my hand against him. Please, no, I don't want to do this. Don't hurt me any more, please leave me alone! "Owww!" No! I can't do that! "Ow, damn, Oww!" I felt so ashamed as I opened my fingers and felt hair on the side of my hand and closed my fingers. "Oh, shit!" I gasped. My fingers won't even close around it. It's huge! Oh, God. If he puts that inside me, he'll split me wide open. Oh,, god....that's why he wanted me to....well it worked; now I'm scared as hell, oh, damn. I relaxed my fingers and tried to pull my hand away. He held me there and didn't pull but tightened his fingers in my hair again. "Keep your hand there." I felt his head lift. "Help her sit up if she needs to." What did that mean? Even though he had had his hand between my legs, I kept my thighs as close together as I could. He began to move down and then I understood. He moved a little more and I felt a knee between my thighs, pushing. I tried but he didn't even seem to notice as he pushed down between my legs and then just pushed my leg aside as if it weren't even there. Nothing worked for me. My arm reached down as far as it could and I let loose but he kept my hand there. I felt a hand on my back and was pushed up and forward until I felt his hips force my legs even more apart and he was between my legs. Oh, God, please don't let this happen! I could hear him breathing harder and I felt throbbing and flexing in my hand and I didn't even want to think about that. I felt him move a little, adjust himself, move again and I gasped as I felt him between my legs and up against me. I held my breath. He moved his head up alongside mine. "Put me inside you." And put his other hand back behind my head again. Oh, God, why? He's gonna do it anyway. Why do I have to? Why is he making me do this? I don't want to! I don't want him to! I want him to get off me and go away. Please, God! But lightning didn't strike, I didn't hear footsteps rushing up the stairs to rescue me and I couldn't scream or kick or bite or fight and nobody came. "Owww!" So I tightened my fingers on the damned thing and pulled it toward me. I felt it push and probe but not penetrate. "Owww!" I pulled it towards me again and scooted my butt down, "Oh!" I heard myself gasp as I felt myself open up and close over it. He was inside me. I hadn't felt that before. I didn't feel anything then, just fear and terror and anger and disbelief. I went rigid. I let my hand around him go limp. I held my breath. I just lay there. Not breathing, afraid to move any part of me. Waiting for him to push all the way inside me and knowing it was going to hurt. Then I had to take air inside me. I did it slow and deep and I could feel my whole body trembling. I tensed again as I felt him gather himself, adjust, put his arms up alongside me and push deeper into me. I held my breath again, felt myself stretch and tensed for the pain. Then he stopped. He ran his hands down the outside of my thighs then back up over my hips over and above the bunched up skirt to my sides, across my breasts up to my shoulders and up my arms held pinned down above me. I shivered from head to toe. No one moved for a moment. I tried to breath as much as I could while my mouth was partially free and I felt things. I felt him warm between my thighs, I felt him inside me, I felt my chest rising and falling as I breathed in and out. I felt his weight on my stomach, I sensed his hands alongside me holding him up I knew he was looking at me at my breasts, at my face and I heard his breathing, deep and strong and regular and then he started moving inside me. Just a little back and a little forward, not pushing deeper, not pulling out of me, just back and forth, slow and easy, in and out and I felt myself wavering between tensing up and quivering beneath him. Then he stopped moving. I felt a hand go behind my waist and under my hips and the other hand up behind my neck again and I went rigid. "Please don't hurt me again!" He moved his face next to my ear. "Participation..." He whispered. He pulled back a little pushed forward and lift me up to him; pulled back, moved forward and lifted me up, again and again and again. Then took his hand from behind me, pushed forward and pulled my hair not nearly as hard as he had before. But I didn't move. I know what he wants. I won't do it! I don't want to do it! He moved forward, I don't move. "Ouch!" Not as hard as before but I knew he would. He pulled back, moved forward and I don't move. "Owww!" Oh damn, I don't want to even pretend to do this, Please, God?" But I did. After a few more hair pulls and some tears and some useless prayers and pleadings, I did. I cried and when he came forward I lifted myself, bouncing several times underneath him. I heard a laugh and a "Slow down!" and I forced my self to lift up to him when he pushed inside me and I cried. I had my eyes clenched together and I tried not to feel anything as he worked his way slowly, deeper and deeper inside me. I felt myself stretch and I tensed but nothing tore and I tried to believe that it wouldn't. I tried and almost succeed in ignoring the hand and mouth on my breast from the guy above me, the pain and the roughness helped me not feel the rest. Then I felt his hands move slowly up my body and push away and replace the hands and mouth of the other guy and he stopped moving inside me. The hand relaxed over my mouth and I tried to breathe as deep as I could for as long as I could. I could feel him inside me but no pain, just the tightness around where he came into me. I heard and felt his breathing alongside me. I cautiously explored how tightly my hands were held, if and where my legs could move hoping to find something, someway to end this. I found nothing. "We ain't got a lotta time..." I heard the voice above my head. I heard a sigh and felt a gathering of movement in the body lying on mine. His face turned and I felt his mouth on my neck under my neck and going towards my breast. I felt a hand slide down my belly, search for and find and move, and a mouth and tongue on my breast again and I tensed and tried not to feel. He pulled back and moved into me again and again and again and I did not lift to meet him. He drew back, moved a little and thrust forward deeper and deeper and I gasped and felt myself stretch yet wider and tensed but he stopped. I felt his hand and the warmth, I felt his mouth and his tongue and the tingle and I willed myself to be somewhere else away from the what I was feeling. Then I begin not understanding. He began moving against me and I felt a hand behind me lifting me and remembered I forgot to rise up. I felt and did feel the mouth on my breasts and then the lips on mine if I moved my lips or did not, if I lifted or did not. I tried not to feel the warmth between my legs and the heat in my stomach and the rising falling coursing of feelings on my skin where it touched his. It all ran together and became a single thing and I tried to find a way to fight it, to leave it, to move away from it. I tried to withdraw, pull back, not be there. I heard the air being forced from me again and hated the sounds. "Uhn...Uhh...Uhnnn...Uhohh! ..Uhn...Unahhunh...unh..." I tried again to change the sounds I heard, the sounds I was making and did not want to. " Uhnno!...Noplease!...Uhnnooo! NO!....Noooo!...No!...no!...no!... I imagined a tornado, a huge wind that ripped things apart and swept them up and away into the sky. I saw a grey swirling mass in my mind and willed my body, my soul and my mind into it. Then I heard a noise, a sound from the throat of the one on top of me, inside me, that I had not heard, a guttural sound and I felt him pull back and thrust forward and my eyes opened wide and my body tensed as he pushed all the way inside and up against me. My first thought was, 'It didn't hurt'. Then there was no room for thoughts. He drew back and came hard against me and I heard the air pushed out of my lungs, I felt his mouth on my breast and then his mouth and hands hard on me and I panicked and tried to scream and lifted and rose and fought and resisted and could not. I heard again my own throat and the sounds being forced out of me, "Uhn..Uhn..Uhn..Unnn..Nooounh!" The sounds were coming faster and more violent. Then a mouth to my breast and I wanted to lift to it, and I don't know when it happened but I didn't have to remind myself to lift to his thrusts, I was moving with him, pulling back and meeting him, again and again and again. I wanted not to know this. I wanted not to be doing this. I willed myself into the rising grey swirling twirling cloud in my mind. I tried harder and harder and focused as intently as I could to give myself and all that I was to the whirlwind that was sweeping me away. I didn't want to feel or know that when he came again to my breast I lifted it to his mouth. I did not want to know or feel when he came to my lips, I sought his. I did not want to feel the heat rising inside me, overwhelming me. I gave myself to the maelstrom; I saw white shooting stars against the solid black background behind my eyes and watched as it faded to grey. I did not know or feel when my arms were free and I pulled his face to mine, wrapped my legs around his back. I would not, I would not, I would not. The grey turned pale and the shooting lights dissolved and I could see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing, not even the sound of my own breathing. I was set free. Floating, neither hot nor cold, not here, not there, not anywhere; I floated free and time did not exist. I waited. Something waited. Without body, with mind, without soul, without existence, something within me waited and waited. "Yfucterbrainsout..." A sound, not heard but reverberating inside somewhere, echoing, rising falling ebbing and then fading away and gone. And then again, the same nonsense word I could not comprehend, rose and fell and faded away yet again. Slowly I felt substance growing beneath my back, my arms my legs...I was no longer floating free unattached from all things. I heard a sound moving from ear to ear, Doppler wise a rise and a fall, a car or truck moving and fading. I felt my chest rise and fall, I heard my breathing; slow, deep and regular; I was alive. Then another sound, a mechanical click, far away, and then a breath later a waft of air moved over my legs to my waist, across my face and rippled my hair. I gasped in recognition. I tried to see and felt my eyelashes flick against something as I blinked again and again. I open my eyes and strained to see and saw nothing, just grays and shadows. I felt my arm and tried to move what seemed like an immense weight that I could never lift. I pulled it slowly down to the side of my face and then up until my fingers slipped under the material and pushed it up and over my forehead. I opened my eyes and quickly closed them again as the light flooded in. I opened them again and blinked over and over and tried to focus on the blurs I saw above me as my eyes adjusted. Then I recognized the spackled cream white ceiling and the light fixture above me. Oh,God! The ceiling I had gazed up at almost every night of my life. My ceiling. My room. My Bed. Oh, God, let it be just a bad dream! I knew. I knew. I knew! It wasn't. I kept my eyes closed in useless panic, but I knew it wasn't a dream. I felt my heart pounding and my breath rushing out and I refused to open my eyes again but even in doing so , I knew I had to. I lifted my head before I opened my eyes and the tears came instantly as I saw my bare breasts and the material of my blouse crumpled up above them. I saw my bare stomach, rumpled skirt, bare legs, with shoes still on but stockings pushed down around my ankles and my white panties dangling off my right foot. I let my head fall back, closed my eyes and let the tears find their way out and down the side of my face. I tried to breathe and stop crying. I tried to manage the thoughts in my mind. All I could do was resist the bad things that seemed to want to put themselves in my head, but they kept coming back and pushing and demanding to be seen and heard. I just kept pushing them back. What do I do? I opened my eyes and lifted my head just a little. The door to my room was open. I glanced again at my body. I should cover myself. I should fix myself up, I should.... Why didn't I just pull my legs together when I saw how I looked? I never just lay like that, legs wide apart, naked to the world. I opened my eyes, lifted my head and moved my legs together...but...they didn't move? Am I hurt? Why can't I move? I felt my heart beat harder and my breathing change. I tried again to bring my legs together, they would not do it. But I moved before. I pushed something off my eyes! I turned my head to look at the arm. And I just moved my head? I looked at the arm, now lying alongside my side down to my hips and moved it up...but it didn't move? I don't understand. When you want to move a part of your body it just moves for you, right? Why did I want my arm to move and it did not? I'm a Girl! Oh, God, maybe I am paralyzed, maybe my neck or back is broken or injured? Oh, no! I turned my head. I can turn my head! And looked at the leg and the foot where my panties were hanging and willed it to move. It didn't. I strained and saw the muscles in my thigh flex, I saw my foot flex and the panties jiggle, but I could not move or lift my leg. I tried to move my other leg, same thing. I tried to lift my hips off the bed, I felt the muscles try but fail; I squeezed my butt together and felt the motion but nothing happened. I moved my shoulders and felt them try to move but they didn't but I felt no sharp pain, no pain of any kind, anywhere and I tried to move every part of me. Nothing would do as I told it. I just stared up at the ceiling and blinked, trying to comprehend. What do I do? I can't do anything, I can't move. I turned my head and focused on the telephone on my study desk. I should call the Police, I should dial 911. How do I get to the desk? I should call mom. Oh! She would....oh, no...I can't tell mom. Oh. No. I can't report it. I can't tell anyone. Oh. What do I do? What...what do I think about? I don't know what to think about, what to do. I closed my eyes, let all feeling leave me and lay purposely limp and motionless. Why did this have to happen to me? I am not a bad person, I never did anything bad or mean or hurtful to anyone. Why me? I didn't do anything wrong and where was God when I needed him? I prayed and prayed and prayed; I begged, I pleaded and nobody came to help me, nothing, no one... I don't know what to do. I need time to think. I don't know what to think about. I don't even know where to start to think about anything. I wish I were dead. I wish I could die, right now, I don't want to live anymore. I felt the tears begin again and I felt truly lost and without direction, any direction, anywhere. I heard the front door slammed shut. I tensed up. Oh, God! I knew who it was. I will my legs to come together, I willed my arms to cover my breasts, nothing worked for me. Oh, God! I recognized the footsteps running up the stairs. I knew it was Jimmie, my brother, Oh, God, he can't see me like this! I heard his voice before he reached the top of the stairs, "Oh, Jen, I am so sorry about what happened in school...." then he was in the doorway to my room, his eyes and mouth opened wide and he came to an abrupt halt. "Jesus! Jen?" I just closed my eyes and let my head fall back. What else could I do? I knew what he was seeing as he looked at me sprawled out on the bed, naked, my legs apart, skirt up around my waist, my bare breasts... I knew. He was my brother. I knew. I would have blushed if I could but I just shuddered and closed my mind. It was quiet for a little while. I kept my eyes closed. "Jen, cover yourself up, please." I didn't know how to answer. I had tried. I couldn't; so I just didn't say anything. I heard a gasp and a sound and I opened my eyes. He was looking at the panties around my shoe and the expression on his face told me he had realized what might have happened. I saw the shocked and terrified look on his face and closed my eyes. I can't tell him; I can't tell anyone. "Oh, God, Jenna, no, please God, no, Ohhh..." A wail forced itself out of me and I turned my head to the side and wept and shook and shivered and tears again poured from my eyes and I heard him moan and make sounds I felt, but did not understand. I had to open my eyes and I forced myself to look towards him. He had slumped down between the door frames, his hands still holding on, his head was down and his body was shaking. "They raped me, Jimmie. They were in my room. They grabbed me. I couldn't scream. I couldn't get away, I couldn't stop them. They raped me Jimmie, they raped me and I don't know what to do!" I wasn't going to tell him, I wasn't going to tell anyone, but I did, I just blurted it out, oh, God, why did I do that? I should not have done that. I closed my eyes and then opened them again. He had his arms across his chest, what I wanted to do but I couldn't, except that I had never seen a guy do that before or have his head down and rock back and forth in almost a fetal position with terrible deep tortured sounds coming from him. Oh, God, what have I done? I know I should not have told him. I tried to get in control of myself; slow my heart rate, slow my breathing, focus on something, anything. I listened and heard him move and quiet and as twins, I felt I knew what he was trying, just as I was. "I should call the Police, Jen." "No! Don't do that!" "Jen, I don't know what to do. Should I call Mom? She would know what to do." "No! Jimmie, I can't tell anyone. I wasn't going to tell you. I don't know why I did, it just came out. Jimmie, promise me, you won't tell anyone, okay? Promise?" "Oh, Jenna, I don't know what to do or say! What can I do to help? I feel like I just want to put my arms around you and hold you and make it all better, but I don't know what to do or say, Jenna?" I opened my eyes again and focused on Jimmie and saw what I did not want to see; the pain I had put upon him. I knew it would happen and I knew how my mother would feel and my father would feel but I didn't think about my brother. And I was right in not wanting to tell anyone, force anyone to share my disgrace, my pain, my misery, my suffering, but he was; my brother, feeling the terrible anguish that I was, and he should not have had to. "What can I do, Jen, I will do anything, just tell me what to do?" There was not a shred of self esteem or assertiveness, or confidence left inside me and I knew it. So where it came from, I don't know. "Close the door, Jimmie, and lock it." I focused on his face again, it was only a question mark. "I don't know what to do, Jimmie, I need time to think. Close the door." He stood a little straighter, pulled his shoulders back and lifted his chin. "Do you want me to stay or leave, Jen?" I didn't know. All I knew was that I didn't know what to do and I needed to figure it out. "I don't know Jimmie, stay or go, I need to think." I lowered my head again and closed my eyes and heard the door close quietly... after a long moment...I waited.... I stopped breathing. Am I alone? Did I want to be alone? Oh! I strained to hear a sound but would not open my eyes to look. "I want to help you, Jenna, in any way I can, tell me what to do, please." I wanted to cry. I did cry, but silently, just the tears that did not scream. I opened my eyes and focused on him just inside the doorway. "Did you lock the door?" "Yes... please tell me what I can do to help." He wasn't just saying the words, I could hear it in his voice; I could feel in in the timbre, I could see it in his posture. He was searching and desperate and needing to find a way to help. I realized that I was emotionally shattered and broken but I also became aware that I was not brain dead. I took a breath or so to consider. "You could take 'that' off my foot... it looks tacky." I didn't take pleasure, well, not much, in watching him be startled, then flustered, then apologetic and hesitant as he gingerly took a step and then another forward, towards me, bent over slightly, extended his thumb and index finger and lift the errant panties off my foot. I had the silly flash thought that I wanted to ask if they were stained or had blood on them, then I knew I couldn't and shouldn't and, hell, they were down before anything happened...except at the school, Oh, God, where is my mind? Jimmy was blushing as if he had read my thoughts. He kept his eyes from me and the garment and took a few steps towards the laundry hamper next to the closet. "No!" He stopped, glanced my way then turned away. "In the trash can." Next to my study desk, my computer, he disdainfully dropped the panties, stared at the container for a moment and then slumped his shoulders and did not turn back to me. "I am so terribly sorry, Jen. I hurt so much for you. What can I do? Should I call someone?" The telephone was on the desk within his reach. "Please, Jimmy, no. I can't bear to think that mom or dad or anyone else could ever know. I am sorry I told you. I shouldn't have." I saw him shudder. "Jen, I just don't know what to do by myself. I am ashamed to even look at you. Can you cover yourself? Can I cover you up? What can I do?" "I can't move, Jimmy. I heard you coming up the stairs. I tried. I can't." "Oh, God, Jen, are you hurt? Is something broken? Oh, Goddamn it, Jen?" "I don't feel any pain, Jimmy, I saw my legs try to move, but they just wouldn't!" He turned toward me and focused his eyes on mine, ignoring my nakedness. "I want to help, tell me what to do." I blinked at him. "I don't know, Jimmy. You said put your arms around me and I thought, God, I would love to cry in your arms, but I don't think I can even stand someone being close to me right now, I just don't know, I am so freaked out, so confused." Jimmy's eyes were blurred and he was hesitant with each step as he slowly made his way to the side of the bed. "I will do anything to help, Jen, just tell me what." "Jimmy, my mind is so messed up I am afraid to think. I keep getting flashes of what happened and I feel like I just want to scream and scream and scream and I really just want to die and go away and not have to think about it or remember any of it. I just don't know!" He gasped and shuddered. "You're not gonna die, Jen. We're gonna get through this. I still want to just hold you close and make it all better. Aw, God, Jen!" It was funny in a pathetic kind of way, I guess. I felt like I needed to reach out to him, hold him and ease his suffering. I had never seen my brother hurt so much and to know I caused it, I wanted to make it go away for him. Strange, very strange. "Oh, Jimmy, I want you to hold me. I want to bawl my eyes out on your shoulder. I just don't know what will happen if you get close to me. I am so screwed up in my head." "I have to do something, Jen. I am going crazy thinking about what happened to you!" With that said he took another step, turned and lowered himself to the edge of my bed and slowly sat. I didn't mean to gasp out loud, but I did. "What?" He looked startled, stood up and blinked rapidly. "Oh, Oh, they were on the bed and it sank down with their weight, just like when you sat down, Oh!" "I'm sorry, Jen." I tried to control my panic; to push aside the physical memories of what had happened and focus on now; not then. "It's okay, Jimbo; I'm sorry, it's just so crazy." He had sat on the bed with his back to me, keeping his eyes averted. I saw his still slumped shoulders and knew I had to do something for him, hoping it would work for me too. "Jimmy?" He turned to me and I saw the tears welling in his eyes, the strained muscles in his face, his pain...and from somewhere the strength came and I lifted my arms and rose slightly and managed to drape them weakly over his shoulders. I felt his arms surround me and suddenly it all burst out and I collapsed in his arms sobbing and shuddering beyond any control. He held me like that for long, long minutes as I let it all pour out onto him, into him and away from me. I think it was what I needed and it seemed to work. I finally took a long deep breath and let myself go limp. He lowered me slowly back to the pillow and I knew I could not let him take his arms away. I could feel the tenseness in his shoulders as he let me pull him down to rest his chest on mine and his face alongside mine. I didn't care. It felt good to have him close. "Thank you, little brother. I needed that." "You okay, little sister? I'm really worried about you." We were twins, but of course, one of us was born first, the interval being only minutes, but neither mom or dad would tell us which was born first. So...we switched off when the occasion called for it, big brother, little brother, big sister, little sister. It had always been that way. "My arms worked! I sat up! Well, at least a little." I felt him relax a little, still holding his chest and his face away from me. I suddenly flashed on how it must look and feel to him and sighed. "What was that?" I thought for an instant. "You're uncomfortable and I should be also, but I'm not, I just want to hold you as close as I can. Can you do that?" I felt and heard him sigh and then relax and lower his chest onto me. It was an effort, but I raised my arms and circled his back as best I could and pulled him closer to me. "Oh, Jimmy, it was so awful." I felt him shudder and heard him gasp and he tightened his arms around my back but did not speak. We stayed like that for long moments. I know I let loose again and sobbed and shuddered; he tightened his arms and moved his hands gently on my back underneath me. "Jimmy, I need you closer to me, please. Lay down beside me." He rose up, and gently took his arms from behind me, carefully keeping his eyes from the blouse and bra under my chin and my bare breasts. I saw him move his head and look down. "There is no room for me there, can you move your leg over?" I blinked and lifted my head and moved my leg toward the center of the bed...it twitched, but didn't move and panic hit me again. "Oh, God, Jimmy, I can't move my leg!" I could see it in his face. Not that he didn't believe me; that he didn't understand. Neither did I. I think he saw something in my face too, for his features softened and he sat up and shifted his weight on the bed. I couldn't see his face as he pushed my leg away from him towards the center of the bed, reached over, pulled my other leg in, reached up and tugged my skirt down as far as it would go. He only glanced at me as he adjusted himself, moved down a little and lay beside me. We stayed that way, quiet for a long moment. I could hear his breathing and feel his warmth beside me; it felt good...almost. It felt strange having my legs together. I didn't move them apart and it didn't seem right for me to bring them back together. But he did and it made me think. I was really messed up in my mind and I knew it. "Thank you for covering me." "Can I pull your blouse down?" "No." "Why not?" "I dunno." And I didn't know why. It was the right thing to do, cover me up. But I felt so used, so violated, so dirty and then things came rushing back and I cried out and shuddered and reached for him again. He held me as I cried and shivered and shuddered in his arms and twisted and turned and tossed my head, fighting not to relive it again. But I did. "I tried to fight, Jimmy, I really did! But I couldn't stop them! I couldn't do anything!" Oh, God! It was so terrible!" He tightened his arms around me and moved his face closer to mine. "They were in my room when I got home! They grabbed me and covered my mouth! I couldn't move, I couldn't scream; they were too strong! Oh, God, Jimmy! Why? Why?" I could hear and feel his sobs and tears and the churning in his body as he tried to hold me and comfort me. "I'm so sorry, Jen, so terribly sorry, I wish I had known, I would have taken you home, but nobody told me in the classroom!" The uncontrollable crying started again and I don't understand. I have never been that kind of girl, crying at things, but I couldn't stop, even when I felt and heard him crying and sobbing as he held me. Finally, finally it slowed and stopped and I felt exhausted as my body relaxed or shut down or just drooped, I don't know...maybe I was all cried out, I don't know. Slowly my breathing and his returned to somewhat normal and I could feel his warmth on me and even a surprise when I felt his heart beating against my chest and his chest moving with each breath and warm air from him on the side of my head where he lay beside me. Really strange. I had never been this close to a person like this ever before. I took a long deep pull of air into my lungs and shrugged my shoulders under his weight and I felt him come alert. I felt his muscles bunch as he rose a little and looked into my eyes. The sadness in his eyes belied his words. "You a little better now?" I blinked my eyes and tried to offer a little smile as I looked into his eyes. "Thank you Jimmie, for holding me, I'm really sorry to put you through all this..." He blushed and looked away. "Jen, I really don't know what to say, what to do, I am so sorry for what happened, I just..." I smiled again and moved my shoulders, feeling the clothing up under my neck, it gave me a weird feeling. "Would you help me get this stuff off of me, please, it feels like I can't breathe right." He glanced and blinked. "Ah, shouldn't I just pull it down for you?" "No! They touched it, they pulled them up. They left me like this. I want it off me!" There was panic in my voice and I knew it and saw it in his face. He closed his eyes and grimaced and I knew, I knew, oh, God, why did this happen to me! "Do I need to unhook things or unbutton...?" "No, just pull them up, rip them off, get them off me!" I saw him grimace again and then I closed my eyes and left him lift my arms and pull the blouse and brassiere up over my head. "Trash can!" As he moved away from me and I felt his weight leave the bed I wished I hadn't said that, I needed him near me. "Hurry back!" God! I felt so alone and empty without him. I heard sounds, little moans and sighs coming out of me and I didn't understand, but I opened my eyes and my arms when he came back and pulled him down on me and clung to him, and cried lightly again. "Oh, Jimmy, damn, I am so sorry..." He didn't say a word but I felt the warm wetness of his tears against my neck and I felt even worse. I lay flat on my back, I could feel his leg against the side of mine, his chest on mine, his face in my neck, his hands gently beneath my shoulders, his fingers just there, not moving, not touching me, just there. I tried to imagine what he was thinking and feeling...I couldn't. Then evil little tendrils of memory slithered into my consciousness and I didn't know until he sat up and stared at me with alarm that I was moaning and writhing beneath him. "What, Jen, what?" "Oh, Jimmie, I can't, I just can't!" I saw a terrible look of anguish in his eyes and my brother surprised me with a tenderness I never suspected he had. With tears in his eyes he caressed my hair and lowered his face and his lips to my forehead and touched me lightly and moved and pressed his lips against my temples and my cheek and my jaw and I cried all over again. It took a while to calm again and then I just started talking without thinking. "One of them was on the bed over my head, he held my arms up over me so I couldn't use them and pressed a hand on my mouth and I couldn't scream and it was hard to even breathe and...oh...God....oh....Jimmie, I'm sorry..." He hugged me close and whispered in my ear. "It's okay Jen, maybe, ah, maybe you need to talk about it, I don't know...I, ah, God Jen, I hate to hear it, to think about it, but if you need to say it...ah, I will try to listen..." I had already hurt him in ways neither of us had ever known and I knew it and I knew I shouldn't have just blurted it out, any of it and I don't know why I did, it just, well it just kinda happened. And I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything, I just clung to him and tried to control my breathing. "Jen...?" I took a deep breath. "Jimmie...I never even let a guy touch my boobs before...I mean a couple did anyway, but I pushed them away...I didn't know anything about...uh, well, you know..." "I'm sorry, Jen...I know, I keep saying that, but I don't know what else to say." "I mean, well, I thought about it, you know, with a guy. And what few girl friends I had, some of them had, 'done it', and they talked about it, but, I just thought I would know when the right guy came along...and...ah, well, I don't know, I just don't know and now it happened and I'm not a virgin anymore and...and...."