16 comments/ 52207 views/ 73 favorites Hero Looking For Redemption By: LostHero My hands were covered in blood and weren't doing what I wanted them to do. Every muscle in my body was burning and I could feel my own blood leaking through the cut on my leg but I had to ignore it all, my mother needed me. I wasn't sure if the guy in the truck that hit us was ok or not, frankly I didn't care. It was obvious he was drunk, by the way he was swerving all over the road. Mom had tried to get out of his way but she wasn't fast enough. His diesel powered monster slammed into her sedan and I blacked out. When I came to, Mom was stuck behind the steering wheel and part of the car frame had dug into my calf. Using a surge of adrenaline, I got myself out if the wreckage then freed my Mom. She was breathing but just barely. I was applying pressure to her wounds with some of my shredded clothing when EMS arrived. They loaded her into their ambulance and I forced myself in with them, never letting go of her hand. "She needs you, Ben," Mom whispered. I just nodded, knowing that she meant my sister. If I would have known that my mom would pass shortly after that, I would have told her that I loved her. I didn't get the chance. I was crying as the doctors were stitching up my leg and bandaging my wounds. They wanted me to stay over night in case I had a concussion but I had to tell my sister and it had to be done in person. They discharged me and I took a taxi home. It was early, around 4am was my guess, so I knew she wouldn't be awake and I didn't have a key anymore. I could have gone around the back but I didn't want to scare her. I knocked on the door and waited for her to answer. I could hear her stomping down the stairs and up to the front door. "Who is it?!" She demanded. "Kate, it's Ben. Open up." "What are you still doing here?" She asked as I heard her undo the deadbolt and the chains. "I was hoping I wouldn't see you for another 2 years." She looked at me, my blood-stained clothes and started to cry. "I'm so sorry, Kate." I reached out to hug her but she ran away from me. Her door slammed shut and I heard her sobs as I closed and locked the front door. That was the reaction I was expecting. Two years ago, our father had been investing a home invasion. He was an officer and good at his job but the man inside that house was too high on something and fought my Dad. It took two point-blank shots and my father was just another cop killed in the line of duty. I was never good at dealing with my emotions so I took off. Mom understood, though my leaving had hurt her deeply. Katie never udnerstood, probably why she ran from me now. I cleaned myself up and put on fresh clothes, sticking the bloody ones in the fire place and lighting them up. My heart was aching and watching the clothes burn made me feel a little better. After the fire was roaring, I went up the stairs and knocked on Katie's door. "Katie, are you ok?" "I'm not ok, you idiot! Mom died tonight, Benny! Don't call me Katie!" I knew she hated that nickname but I slipped and it got out. She hated it as much as I hated being called Benny. We knew how to get on each others nerves. "I'm here, sis," was all I said and I left her alone. I went back to the living room and sat on the couch, feeling the warmth of the flame giving me partial relief from the pain. For over an hour I fought back the tears, feeling I had no right to cry. "What happened?" she asked as she sat on the opposite end of the couch and stared into the flames. "Drunk driver." She just sat there, watching the fire dance. I looked at her every few minutes, trying to get a feel for what she was thinking but I couldn't. Even if she didn't have her glasses on and the fire wasn't making it hard for me to see into her eyes, I probably wouldn't have known what she was thinking. "When are you taking off?" she asked, her voice monotone. "What do you mean, I can't leave." "You left after Dad died, why would this be any different?" "Because you're sixteen, Katherine. I can't leave you alone." "Oh, so now you care? When there's no one left but you to take care of me is when you start to care? I can take care of myself." This was the conversation Mom and I were having as she was taking me to the airport, just before we got hit. I had come home for Christmas and my Mom didn't want me to leave. She had told me that Kate, despite the rude behavior, didn't want me to go. I had to admit that, even though she had needed her older brother after Dad's death, I wasn't strong enough to face my own demons let alone anyone else's. "I've always cared about you." "Then where have you been the last two years? Dad was gone then you left. Mom and I had no one, Benny." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I have all these nursing books on how to deal with death and help families grieve, but I don't know how to do it myself." She looked at me, tears pouring from her eyes. "I was fourteen and all I wanted was you to tell me it would be ok. I wanted my big brother to tell me we would survive. I was a fourteen year old girl that just wanted you and you abandoned me." I tried to wrap my arms around her but she leaned away from me. I didn't want to force it so put my arms down. "If you had been here four months ago," she began. Her thought trailed off and I was curious. "What happened, Katie?" She looked up at me, barely lifting her head. "Nothing." "Please, Katherine, tell me." Taking several deep breathes, she steadied herself. She extended her arms to me and, in the fire light and the slowly rising, I saw the scars on both of her wrists. I won't lie and say I wasn't angry but it was over shadowed by what I was about to do. "About a year for me," I said as I did something I hadn't done since that night. My body hurt but it let me raise my shirt to my neck. Over my heart were two lines that I had carved into my own chest. The only other person to ever see them was the doctor and nurse that stitched me up that night. She leaned back, gasping at my self-inflicted scars. I wanted to know why she had tried to end her life but I would have to earn her trust. "It was after the anniversary of Dad's death and I was having a rough time. I had no one, which I know was my fault, but it hurt so bad. It hung like a dark cloud. "Then, during my rounds, a wounded officer came in, bleeding badly from two gunshots. I did the best I could, even after the doctor announced his time of death. I finished my rounds that night then disappeared. I grabbed the knife-" "Stop, Benny, I get it." I didn't realize I had started crying and was running my fingers over the scars. Kate was crying with me. "I liked this boy," she began. "Kirk Marks. I liked him so much, or at least I thought I did, that I wanted him to be my first. He was way too rough and he hurt me. At school, he told everyone that I wasn't equipped properly down there and I broke his penis." I was furious but kept it hidden, this was no time for brotherly rage and I didn't have a right to express it. "When it got around school, no one wanted anything to do with me. The teasing got worse and one day, Mom came home-" I touched her hand and she stopped. "I'm sorry, Kate. I shouldn't have left. Especially when you needed me the most." She just nodded and pulled her hands back. "Mom took me out of school." I just stared at her. The rage was still inside me but my heart was broken. "Are you going to stay?" she asked in a hoarse whisper. I thought about it, staring at her. "No, I'm going to leave." She tried to say something, tried to yell at me, but I stopped her by putting my finger to her lips. "I need you and you need me." "Then don't leave me. Not again, Ben, please." I grabbed her and pulled her into my arms, even as she tried get away from me. "I am never leaving you again. You're coming with me." She stopped fighting. "This house is just a house. It'll be hard but we can sell it. We'll buy a new house, start a new home." "But we grew up here. We can't leave." "Yes we can. This is just wood and dry wall. Mom and Dad are here," I pointed at her heart and touched my chest, feeling the scars. "And I can start a new school?" I nodded. She leaned over and laid her head on my chest, feeling the scars through my shirt with her finger tips. "You'll have to. I've still got a few more months of clinical rounds left to do. Not to mention I can't teach worth a damn. I hated high school and glad nursing has nothing to do with that crap." We both laughed. "What do we do now, Benny?" I helped Katie sit up then I got off the couch. With what strength I had, I scooped her into my arms. She didn't protest as I carried her up the stairs. I laid her down in her bed as gently as I could, feeling the stitches stretching in my calf. I was in pain, my entire body was screaming at me. I turned to leave but she grabbed my hand. "You said you wouldn't leave me." I nodded to her and walked around her bed. Moving slowly, I climbed into the satin sheets. As soon as I was settled, she rolled over and looked at me. I pulled her glasses off of her face and put them on the nightstand behind me. She was fighting sleep, I could see it. "Sleep. I'll be here when you wake up. I won't leave you, I promise." As her eyes shut, so did mine. I opened my eyes to the fall sun coming through the kitchen window. I wasn't sure but I think I had fallen asleep standing up. "Yooo whooo, Benny!" Kate was yelling at me from the refrigerator, a smile on her face. "What's wrong?" I asked, coming out of my half-asleep state. "You were asleep, big bro. Did you just get home?" I yawned and rubbed my eyes. "Yeah, I worked an extra shift because Jackson called in." Kate grabbed her favorite cereal from the pantry and sat down at the table. "You're killing yourself." "I don't have a choice, Kitten." "Yes you do," she said between bites. "We still have money left over from the old house and I'm working on a few scholarships so college will be covered." "I'm being prepared, so let it go." She didn't argue with me, which I was thankful for. Since we moved into this new house, things had changed. We argued but most of the time it was just to argue, to keep the other on their toes. She was definitely happier here and had made a whole new set of friends. She had even accepted being called Kat instead of Kate, letting me calling her Kitten. And I had accepted the fact that she would always call me Benny. It was her name for me, kind of made me feel better than other people. Physically we had both changed but, where I just lost weight and trimmed some of the love handles off, she changed dramatically. She went from a 5'5" nerdy little girl with too much baby fat and glasses to a beautiful, 5'10" lean nerdy girl. She still had her glasses but she had grown up to a beautiful woman, looking more like our Mother. The girl I comforted almost two years ago wasn't the same person I shared a house with. "I'm going to crash," I told her as I headed to the stairs. "Please do, we've got a big day tomorrow." I shook my head, "You do, but I'm declining my invitation." "No way, Benjamin! It's our birthday!" "Good luck on your trig test today, Kitten." I was too tired to care about the plans she had made for Saturday, the birthday she and I shared. It was more important that she celebrated her 18th birthday than I celebrate my 23rd. I hadn't celebrated my birthday since I abandoned her and Mom, I wasn't going to start now. My room, which was the smaller of the three upstairs, was actually organized and clean for once, probably because Kate had come through and organized it while getting dirty laundry. My nursing books were on my desk and my backpack, which I usually took to work, was where I had left it yesterday afternoon. There was an frozen dinner in it along with two energy drinks. In my half awake state yesterday, I forgot to grab it. Kate usually reminded me about those types of things but she had been studying for her test, which meant she had her headphones on and her nose buried in her math book. Even though I was supposed to take care of her, it was more the opposite. Despite the clear space on my floor, my foot got stuck in the strap of my back pack and I fell, face first into my bed. Sleep took me and I was out before I could move. The monster was roaring towards me, his claws and teeth dripping blood. My legs were pinned and I couldn't move. Eyes full of fire charged me and I had to get free. My Mom was to the left of me and I had to save her. She was just out of my reach but I knew I could save her if I had some space to move. To my right, my Dad was lying in the ground, bleeding out from a giant hole in his chest. Somewhere behind me, Katie was yelling for me to save her but I couldn't turn around to see. I could save them all if I could just move. I saw the monster pounce on me and knew I had failed them. I woke up screaming. I felt the sweat all over my body yet I was shivering. "Shhh," I heard, someone caressing my head. When my eyes focused, I saw Kate sitting next to me, trying to help me relax. My head was in her lap and she was holding my left hand. "It's ok, Benny, I'm here." Another nightmare, the same one I had been having since the night my Mom died. The intensity of the dreams were getting worse and they were becoming night terrors. I had rarely slept in the last week or so because of them. And Kate had started sleeping in my bed with me, usually just holding my hand. I wouldn't sleep, just watch her as she slept so I knew she would be ok fine as she slept. She continued petting my head, my arms finally relaxing against my chest. I squeezed her hand to my heart and let the tears come. "The same nightmare," she told me. It took me almost thirty minutes to finally calm down but she stayed with me the whole time, her hand staying right over my heart. "Thanks," I told her once I could speak again. "Of course, Benny." She stared down at me and smiled. That always made me feel better. It was the same smile she gave me when we moved, the smile that told me she had forgiven me for leaving. I didn't feel like I deserved her forgiveness, I still hadn't forgiven myself, but that was her choice. "What time is it?" She looked at the alarm clock on my desk, "12:35." "What about school?" "I was on my free period and I had to come get my chemistry books. You were screaming and I couldn't leave you." "I'm ok now. Get back and I'll call, tell them we had a family issue." I tried sitting up but my body was still weak and she kept me from moving. "You're still exhausted and I can't leave you to do this alone." "It's ok, Kitten, I'll be fine. I'll go for a run or something. You've got that test today." I finally got to my feet but got dizzy and fell back down. "The test was this morning, first period and I aced it. Now stay," she demanded and left my room. Even if I had wanted to move, my body was too tired to disobey the command. She came back a few minutes later, wearing her pajamas, and stood right in front of me. I still had my changing clothes on, the tee shirt and basketball shorts I wore to work before I changed into my scrubs. She pulled my shirt and shorts off then pushed me into the bed. Once I was settled, she got in next to me and took my hand. "Sleep," she told me as she held my hand to her chest so I could feel her heart beat. "Aren't I supposed to be taking care of you?" She smiled at me. "But you forget to take care of yourself so I have to do it. Sleep." My eyes closed and she touched my face. Even through sleep I could see her smile. For once, my mind was silent and at peace so I could sleep. If I did dream, I didn't remember any of it. When my alarm went off, I finally felt rested. It turned off before I could reach it and I opened my eyes. Kate was still in bed with me. "Sleep good?" she asked. I realized we hadn't moved at all. My hand was still in hers, clutched tightly to her chest. "I did. Finally." "Good." She kissed my forehead and jumped out of my bed. "Kitten," I said, stopping her before she left. "Thanks." "Any time, big bro." She left and I got ready for work. "Is it still ok for the girls to spend the night?" she asked as I was showering. "Again?" I yelled to her. "Yes, again. It's our Friday ritual." I turned off the water and wrapped a towel around my waist. I opened the door and gave her my stern face. "Remember the rules." "No boys and no booze. Geez, Benny, I'm not dumb." I kissed her forehead. "I'm aware." She giggled then ran to her room. I went to mine and got dressed. I never had anything to worry about when I wasn't home. We had struggled that first year, earning each other's trust and respect. It had been extremely hard and now, neither one of us would do anything to break it. "Don't forget your bag this time," she said as she passed my door on her way downstairs. "Thanks." I grabbed it as I walked out. Kate was sitting at the table, texting her friends. "I should be home after 1, unless they need me to stay. I'll text you if anything changes." She set her phone down and looked at me. "Please don't work yourself into the ground, Benjamin. And reconsider tomorrow." I patted her shoulder as I went to the garage. "I'll think about it." The first five hours of my shift were calm, compared to previous nights. And since I had finally gotten some decent rest, I felt good. As I was finishing a chart, I felt someone behind me. "Ben, we need to talk." I turned around and looked into the steely eyes of my boss, Dr. Rooney. He was normally a jovial person that enjoyed to laugh with his employees. Tonight, he didn't look like he was in a laughing mood. "Yeah, Doc. What can I do for you?" He turned around and I put my chart back so I could follow. As we walked, I realized that Friday night was usually his night off. Since he was here, something wasn't right. "Hey, Marty," I said to the beautiful blonde I passed on the way to Dr. Rooney's office. She was my normal partner and my cohort when things got too quiet in the emergency room. "Mr. Anderson needs his bandaging changed in about five minutes. If I can't get it, would you?" "Don't worry, Ben, you're covered." Inside the man's office, part of me was getting nervous. "What's going on, Ben?" he asked. "Well, I was going to finish a couple of charts and tend to Mr. Anderson." "That's not what I was talking about, Ben." "Then I don't understand, sir." "When was the last time you took a day off or called in sick?" I had to think about it and couldn't remember. "I'll help you. You've never asked for a day off and you've never taken a sick day." "Oh, ok. Is that bad?" "We'll, you have maxed out your time off hours but no, it isn't bad for the hospital. It could be bad for you." "I'm fine, sir." "Don't start. I can see the bags under your eyes. You're going on a weeks vacation." "But, I can't afford to take time off." Dr. Rooney laughed. "I doubt that. Take time off, relax. We can survive without you." "Ok, I guess." "Good. Get your stuff because it starts now." I wasn't going to argue, it would be pointless to do it anyway. I went to the locker room, changed, and went home. Marty waved goodbye as she led Dr. Rooney on my rounds. I was still a little shocked but a little relieved. It was close to 11 when I walked through the garage door. I was being as quiet as possible so I wouldn't disturb the girls. This was Kate's night to have fun and I didn't want to ruin it for her. As I climbed the stairs, I could hear them talking from the master suite. Hero Looking For Redemption "Oh, he is so hot, Kat," one of Kate's friends said. I wasn't extremely familiar with her friends since I gave them space when they were here. It sounded like Cari but it could have been Jan. "No he isn't, Jan," Kate said. "Yes he is," Cari added. "He's really sexy and he's so sweet." Cari was a short girl with long brown hair, like what Kate had been before she matured. Jan was taller than Cari and had short blonde hair. They were both cute, for high school girls. "You both are demented." "Admit it, Kat," Jan pushed. "You think he's hot, too." I had stood in the hallway longer than I should have but part of me was curious to who they were talking about. I knew some of the boys from their school, mostly by name, so if Kate was crushing on one of them, maybe I knew him and could crush him. "Fine," she said, succumbing to the peer pressure. "He's cute. Feel better?" The other two girls laughed. "But that stays between us," Kate added. "If anyone knew I thought my brother was cute, I'd have to leave school." My sister thought I was cute? That wasn't what I was expecting and I froze. One of them started walking around the room and I realized that I had stood in the hallway for too long. It would crush her if she knew I had heard her. Moving quietly, I walked back down stairs and back out into the garage. I came through the garage door and closed it harder this time, making sure I was louder this time than I was a few minutes ago. "Kitten, I'm home!" Three sets of feet could be heard running down the stairs and they all stopped, staring at me. "Hey," I said with a goofy wave. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt girls night but something has come up so I'm taking a vacation from the hospital. Let me get something to eat and I'll lock myself in the den, out of your way." "It's ok," Jan said, sitting down at the table. "We'll sit with you. Won't we, girls?" Cari sat down at the table and I looked at Kate. She was avoiding my eyes. I knew why but I couldn't tell her that. "Your call, Kitten." She looked at her friends then sat down with only giving me a sideways glance. I made a sandwich and sat down at the table, sitting next to my sister and watching the other two girls. "What were you up there chatting about before I interrupted?" I asked, trying to keep a straight face. "Boys we thought were cute," Cari said. "Oh, please don't bring that up. The thought of Kitten dating scares the crap out of me." Kate just sat there while the other girls giggled. "Do you have a girlfriend, Ben?" Jan asked me. "No, I don't really have time. My schedule has to be flexible, being a nurse and trying to help Kate. It's too hard to do that stuff with someone else to worry about." Jan looked defeated but Cari seemed to get even more excited. I could tell she wanted to ask me more questions but Kate was uncomfortable, I could feel it flowing off of her, so it had to stop. I finished my sandwich in one giant bite and put the plate in the sink. "Ok, I'm done for the night. I'll stay down here and you three can go back to Kate's room." "It's ok, Benny," Kate said, "you don't have to sleep in the den. The couch in there is horrible." "I don't mind, Kitten. You need your privacy." She just looked at me, her beautiful eyes telling me to just stop, and I gave in. I walked up the stairs and immediately went to shower. The girls were laughing when they walked by but I couldn't hear why. When I was finished cleaning myself, I stuck my head out of the bathroom door to see if the coast was clear. When I saw Kate's door was closed, I ran to my room and shut the door behind me. I pulled on a paper of boxers and shorts then crawled into bed. My body didn't feel like it was ready to sleep but my mind was slowly starting to lag. With the lights off, I closed my eyes and tried to let sleep take me. Kate was there, blood draining from her wrists and tears flowing like a river from her eyes. "Help me, Ben!" she screamed. "Katie!" I was trying to get to her but I couldn't move. My legs weren't responding to my mental commands. My sister was bleeding out, I knew I could save her, but why wouldn't my legs move. "You're letting me die!" she yelled. "No, Kitten! Move, you fucking legs. Katie!" "Ben!" I heard her yell my name but her lips hadn't moved. "Ben, wake up. Please, Benny, open your eyes." My eyes shot open and I saw Kate's face, tears falling from her eyes. I was on the ground. "Oh god," she said, cradling my head and hugging me. I stared at her face, not quite sure what I was seeing. "Katie, are you ok?" Unable to speak through her tears, she just nodded her head. "I couldn't save you, Kitten. I'm so sorry, I wanted to but I couldn't." "I'm ok, Ben. You don't have to save me." Everything broke at the moment and I grabbed her, hugging her tightly as I cried. She just held me and let me cry into her shoulder. A knock at the door made me turn my head. "Are you ok, Ben?" Jan asked. Both girls looked concerned for me. "Yeah, I'm good. Sorry girls." "No problem," Cari said. "My cousin has night terrors, too." "I'm going to sleep with him," Kate said. "No, I'll be ok," I told her as I regained some sort of composure. "Go back to your friends. I'll just watch TV." "That wasn't a request, Benjamin." Knowing it was pointless, I got off the floor and crawled into bed. Kate said good night to her friends and got in with me. She put her glasses on the nightstand and turned off the light. Her hand found mine and she clutched it to her chest once again. "I'm sorry, Kitten. I didn't mean to ruin your time." She kissed my lips, a very soft kiss. "Don't even think about it. Just sleep, Benny." Sleep I did. And I dreamt this time. I was pushing her in a swing, like we should have done when we were younger. Except she was 18 and wearing a beautiful white, sun dress and had flowers in her hair. She was laughing and telling me to push her higher. Once she got to a good height, she jumped. I ran around and caught her. We shared a deep, passionate kiss and I kept her close. "I love you, Kitten." "I love you, Benny. I want to spend every moment with you." "We will." My eyes fluttered open and I still felt drowsy. As the fog cleared, I saw that Kate and I had shifted positions. We were spooning and she was using my right arm as a pillow while she held my left arm to her boys. She was clutching my hand to her chest, underneath her tank top, and I was palming her breast. I panicked for a moment, knowing that it was my sister's perfect breast, then relaxed as I felt her heart beat against my palm I kissed her cheek and laid my head back down. A few hours had passed and I awoke with dawn's morning light on my face. It wasn't the light that woke me, but it did feel good since the only time I get to see the sunrise is through a hospital window. What woke me was the woman standing next to my bed, a cupcake in her hand with a candle in it. "Happy birthday, Benny," Kate said with a smile. "It's 6:43 in the morning." "The time we were born," I said as I pushed myself up. She sat down on my bed and handed me the cake. "Where's yours?" "I only got one," she said. I blew out the candle and held the cupcake up to her. "We can share." I broke the cake in half and handed it to my little sister. She just stared at it. "We've shared a birthday for 18 years, Kitten. Take the cake." She smiled and took it, sitting on my bed and crossing her legs. "Happy birthday." "Happy birthday, Benny." She brought the white cake to her face as I did. We must have been thinking the same thing because the next second I shoved her piece into her mouth and she shoved mine into my mouth. Laughing, we did the best we could to clean our faces and lick whatever we could reach with our tongues. "And what are you two doing?" Cari asked. Cari and Jan were standing in my door with mischievous smiles. "Celebrating our birthday," Kate said. "Did you ask him, yet?" Jan asked. "Geez, we just woke up," Kate said. "What am I missing here, ladies?" Cari walked over and stood behind Kate. "Your Kitten doesn't have a date for tonight when we go celebrate her 18th birthday." I was slow when it came to girls. Kate let out a frustrated sigh. "They think you should be my date tonight." "Why didn't you ask a boy from your class?" Kate didn't answer right away so Cari answered. "She doesn't like anyone from school. She's too afraid they're all jerks." I looked at her, trying to see anything on her face. I still couldn't do it. "Do you want me to be your date, Kitten?" "Yes, please." I had no choice. She was looking at me with her silent yearning and I had to accept. "What do I have to wear?" Jan and Cari started screaming then went straight to my closet. "Are you ok with this?" She asked. Cari and Jan were tearing through my clothes, each picking something then fighting over it. "If you want me to be with you, then I'll be there. I'll do whatever you need me to do." "You don't have to keep overcompensating, Benny. I forgave you a long time ago." I nodded and sat in silence. She had forgiven me but I still didn't forgive myself. Kate got off the bed and began helping her friends pick out my clothes. I watched her and was mesmerized by her. She wasn't just my little sister, she was a woman. And she was a woman who knew exactly how to pull my strings. After about ten minutes, the three of them turned around. Jan was holding a navy blue shirt, Cari had charcoal pants, and Kate was holding a silver and black tie. "You're wearing this," Jan said. I just nodded my head. "And we're going shopping to match," Cari added. Kate's friends left my room quickly but she hung back. "Thank you," she said. "You're welcome." She leaned over and kissed me, a soft kiss on my lips, as she walked out of my room. I pulled myself out of bed, put on a tee shirt and shorts then went down stairs. The girls were still in Kate's room but I figured they might be hungry so I began making French toast. It was Kate's favorite, though she liked it with the thick Texas style bread. "Oh, he's making us French toast," Cari yelled as she walked into the kitchen. I put a stack on the table for the girls and watched as they devoured them. I was surprised since they all seemed so skinny. By the time I was done cooking, they had eaten all but three. "Thanks," they said in unison as they went back upstairs. I sat down and ate alone, thinking about what the night would bring. I cleaned up the kitchen then sat down in front of the TV, watching anything previewing tomorrow's football games. I tried to remember the times of a few, ones I thought Kate and I could watch together. We didn't have a favorite team, we just liked watching. The girls left around noon and I just sat on the couch. I didn't really have much of a social life since Kate and I got a house. That wasn't the truth, I never had a social life. In high school, I dated two girls and lost my virginity on prom night to one of them, though I couldn't remember which one. After I started nursing school, I tried having friends and dating but never caught a rhythm so I dropped it. Now, my social life was whatever time Kate had for me in between my nursing shifts and her school work. I was either too busy or asleep to realize I wasn't happy. The girls came back around five and went straight to Kate's room. After thirty minutes, one of them told me to get ready. I took a shower and went to get my clothes. Jan looked in on me a couple of times and I just waved at her. I went downstairs after I finally got my tie tied. "Are you ready?" Cari yelled down. "Do I have a choice?" "No way, Benny!" Kate yelled back. Cari walked down first, wearing a beautiful red, strapless dress with her hair up in a bun. Jan was next, wearing a beautiful purple dress that had short sleeves and stopped just above her knees. Her hair was curled and hung down. When Kate came down, my heart stopped. She had a dark gray dress on that stopped half way down her beautiful white thighs. With faded silver mascara and navy blue lipstick, she looked gorgeous. Her hair was braided to one side with two silver flowers in the braids. "Wow, ladies. You three look gorgeous." Cari and Jan said thank you while Kate just blushed. "Where are your dates?" I asked. "Kat was right, the guys in our school are jerks," Cari said. "I'm hoping to meet someone tonight." "And you, Miss Jan?" "I don't know yet." I turned to my sister and extended my hand to her. "If you would allow me the pleasure, Miss Katherine, I'd be honored if you would accompany me tonight." She pouted a little bit. "No Kitten tonight?" "I'm sorry. Would you do me the honor of allowing me to be your date tonight, Kitten?" She grabbed my hand and pulled me to her. "I would be delighted, Benny." We piled into Kate's car and she drove us to downtown. The girls made small talk while I barely paid attention. It wasn't until she pulled into a parking garage that I finally paid attention. Kate took my hand and we followed Cari and Jan down the street. As we got closer to our destination, the girls were getting annoyed. "No way," Cari said. "I thought it would be a quiet weekend." Outside of a club, there was a long line of people, leading down to the next block. I looked up at the sign and shook my head. "You three want to go to Private Steel?" "Yeah," Kate said as they walked to the end of the line. "Not that way," I told them, leading them to the front door. At the door, standing behind the velvet rope, was a man standing 6'8" and weighing just short of 300 pounds of muscle. I knew his specifics because I'd seen him several times since I got signed on in the emergency room. "Grover!" I yelled to him. He looked at me and, though he smiled, he cut his hand across his throat. "Ben, man, don't be doing that to me," he said as he shook my hand. "You know I'm Guy when I'm at work." "Sorry, I forgot." He began looking at the three beautiful women with me. As he looked over Kate, I held my hand up, showing our fingers interlocked, and he just nodded then looked back at me. "Can you help me out? It's her birthday," I held up my hand again, "and these two lovely ladies would like to help her celebrate it." "What about you, Ben?" "She asked and I couldn't say no." Grover chuckled at me. "What can I do to help you guys out?" "You can remember the seven times I stitched you up and let us jump the line." "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I had the count at four." "And the three times you pulled the stitches and I had to redo them. That's seven." Grover laughed. "You can't count those, man. They were the same injury." "Really?" "Fine. Have fun." I pulled a twenty out of my pocket and stuck it in his hand while other people started yelling. Grover told them to pipe down or else, which they did. The girls followed me inside. "I can't believe you did that," Cari said as we got to the bar. "That was awesome, Benny. How'd you do that?" "Grover is a great guy but he gets in more fights than a man should working as a bouncer. I've stitched and bandaged him a few dozen times because drunks think they can take him." I grabbed a seat near the bar and prepared myself to sit there all night while the girls went to the dance floor. A blonde waitress came over and I ordered three waters for the girls and a root beer for myself. Her smile told me she didn't want to deal with me and I just ignored her. The girls looked like they were having fun until a drunk guy walked over and tried to dance up on all three of them. Kate's eyes quickly found mine through the crowd and I saw the silent plea in them. I moved quickly through the crowd, thankful now for having had to navigate tight situations at the hospital. "I think I would like to dance with my dates," I told him, taking Kate's hand and Cari and Jan grabbed by shoulders. "That's not fair!" He yelled as we moved to a different part of the dance floor. Jan and Cari started dancing together and I tried to keep rhythm with Kate. I know I looked goofy but she was happy so that's all that mattered. A slow song started and Kate wrapped her arms around my neck and moved in closer. My arms went around her waist, though I hesitated, and we began swaying slowly. "Thanks for coming, Benny. I hope you're having fun." "I am having fun. This isn't too bad." We kept slow dancing past the end of the song. When someone bumped into us, I realized we weren't paying attention to the music and led Kate back to the table, where Cari and Jan were talking about something I couldn't hear. I sat down in one of the three chairs and Kate stood between my legs, sipping her water and holding my hand around her waist. Kate jumped right into their conversation and I just sat there. I knew I'd be the outsider tonight but I was still having fun. "Care to dance with a real man?" The slurred words came from the guy that had tried to dance with the girls a little bit ago. He grabbed Kate's shoulder, and by the way she winced I knew he grabbed too hard. "I'm good," she replied, trying to remove his hand. "Your boyfriend can just watch." "My boyfriend isn't going to watch anything because I'm not leaving his side." "Oh, don't be such a cock tease." I grabbed his hand from her shoulder, applying pressure between the thumb and index finger then bending it backwards and away from my sister's shoulder. "The lady said no." Kate quickly moved away, standing next to her friends, and I got off of my chair, keeping his hand bent backwards. "Let go, fuck head." The entire club seemed to get quiet at that moment. "Apologize to my date, please." "Fuck you!" He swung his other hand at me. I avoided the punch and twisted his arm, pinning it behind his back. "Maybe you didn't hear me, sir. My beautiful girlfriend and her gorgeous friends deserve an apology." "I'm sorry," he said through the pain. "Thank you." "That's it," I heard someone say behind me. Grover stood there, glaring down at the drunk. "I've had enough of your shit. Thanks, Ben." I nodded as the drunk was dragged out of the bar. Music started again and the girls continued their conversation. I sat back down and Kate stood between my knees again, wrapping both my arms around her and keeping one hand in mine. As the night progressed, we were having fun. Kate and I spent all night within arms length of each other. Grover had come over during a quick break and struck up a conversation with Cari. Jan didn't have anyone but if she wasn't having fun, she didn't show it. Around midnight we left. Grover left with Cari's number. Kate drove us home and the girls left from there. Kate led me inside and I quickly showered. "Are you going to fight me tonight?" she asked as I stepped out of the bathroom. Her hair was wet and she was using her towel to finish drying her beautiful legs. "How would I fight you?" "By not sharing my bed with me." "No, Kitten, I'll be fine in my bed." "See, you're fighting me." "I am not fighting you. I think I'm ok to sleep in my own bed." She had the angry look on her face, telling me that it was pointless to argue. I figured it would be but part of me just wanted to argue. "Let me get some boxers on." She nodded and smiled. I put my boxers on and returned to her room. The door was open and I saw her already curled up in her bed. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do so I just crawled into the other side and stayed near the edge. "I don't have cooties, Benny." Hero Looking For Redemption "I'm not sure how to do this, Kitten. We never shared a bed when we were kids." "Yeah, you didn't want your stupid little sister around then." She was right, I didn't want her around. I felt like she had taken everything from me. Not only had she been born on the same day as me but she was born at the same minute. Out of the entire year, I had my own special day for five years then she came along and took. Then she took all of my parents attention. Part of me felt cheated by my younger sister, though none of it had been her fault. "I'm sorry, Kitten. I was dumb and just... I was stupid." She grabbed my hand and helped me move closer to her. "It's ok, Benny. I understand, now. We're good." I kissed her forehead and let sleep take me. Her back was to me and she was pushing on my hardening cock. She smelled so good and my lips were drawn to her neck. There was a fog around us, so this was a dream, a great dream. She rolled over and looked at me, beautiful eyes of ice smiling at me. My lips went to hers, savoring their taste. My hands went to her body as hers found mine. I squeezed her hips to me and felt her moan in my mouth. Her tongue was magical, the way it moved in my mouth. Her fingers ran through my hair and she pulled me tighter to her face. I pulled her shorts down and felt the skin on her ass, so smooth and a little slick from her lotion. She took off her shirt and I was staring at her beautiful breasts, a large B or small C cup. They were gorgeous and, as she pulled my boxers down, my lips went to her nipples. I sucked on them. Her hands were in my hair again and she arched her back, pushing more of her breasts into my mouth. I pushed her on her back and got between her legs, my lips finding hers once more. As I slowly entered her wet pussy, I let out a loud gasp. I entered slowly, pushing in then sliding out. I took my time, pushing into her then slowly pulling out. At my pace, it took me well over ten minutes to get all 7 inches into her tight pussy. When I finally worked myself into her, she grabbed my hips and held me in place. After several minutes, our lips still locked together, I began pulling out then sliding back into. With slow strokes, I pulled all but the head out then slid it back into her. Her hips started figuring out my rhythm and would come up to meet my thrusts. What a glorious feeling it was, a lot better than any other dream I'd ever had before. In and out, we worked ourselves closer. Her breathing was becoming harder and I tried to contain myself. The tight grip of not only her pussy but her hands all over my body was fantastic. "Oh, Benny," she whispered. She clutched her legs together and I felt her orgasm rush out of her. Though I didn't want to stop, I couldn't hold mine back and I came with her, burying myself as far inside of her as I could. Once we could move again, I laid down next to her and she scooted into my body, my arms wrapping around her. With a smile, the dream faded to black. I awoke to sunlight on my face. My first thought was about the dream and I hoped it hadn't been a wet one. I touched my boxers and was thankful they were dry, though my crotch felt sticky. I raised my head off of the pillow and saw that I was alone in the bed. I sat up and just looked around the bedroom. I didn't know where she was but I'd see her in a little bit. Her alarm clock read 1:36 and I was surprised. I hadn't slept this late in years. I felt rested, something I hadn't felt since who knows when. The front door closed and I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. "Good afternoon, sleepy head," Kate said. She was wearing one of my sweatshirts and a pair of her shorts. Her hair was in a ponytail and she was smiling. Even though she looked different than how she looked last night, she was still gorgeous. "Hey, where'd you go?" She walked over to the bed and sat down, moving right next to me. "I had to go get the morning after pill. We were too into the moment, I guess." Once again, I was slow. Then it dawned on me. "That happened? You and I had..." She was no longer smiling. "Yeah, Benny. We had sex last night." I jumped out of the bed and ran to my room. I quickly grabbed some clothes and ran out the door. She was calling for me through her tears but I couldn't face her. The only thing on my brain was I raped my sister. I drove, got lost on a back road some place and sat in my car. I went from screaming at myself to crying to figuring out a way to rationalize what I had done then back again. If I had my phone, I know she would be calling and texting me. I didn't know what to say. By the time I made it back to the house, it was after 10 and all of the lights were off. I snuck inside and locked myself in the den. I wasn't even going to attempt to sleep tonight so I just sat at the desk, staring at the wall. At 6:30 I heard her get up. She didn't say anything as she got ready for school and I didn't come out of the den to try and talk to her. She left at 7:45 and I finally walked out. After a quick shower, I got in my car and drove to the hospital. I didn't say anything as I walked through the halls, just waving at people I knew. I stood in front of a large, black door and debated whether or not to knock. The debate ended when the door opened. "Oh, Benjamin, I'm sorry. Can I help you?" Dr. Angela Myers, psychiatrist was on the door. "Dr. Myers, I need help. If you have a minute." "Of course, come in." I walked into her office and sat down in the leather chair in front of her desk. She sat behind it and waited. It all poured out of me. Dad's death, my leaving, Kate's suicide attempt, my own attempt, and Mom's death. I asked why I was having night terrors and why couldn't I sleep peacefully unless my sister was with me. I held nothing back, except the night of incestous sex with my sister. Dr. Myers sat there a moment, absorbing it all. "You're afraid to let yourself feel pain. You want to save the world and you can't be a hero if you give in to pain. But pain is a part of everyone's life, accept it and let it help you become a better person. "And accept that you couldn't save your parents and it wasn't your fault they died. Sometimes, life takes those closest. I wish I knew why but it happens. Death happens. "As far as your sister goes, you love her, no matter how you might have felt before your Dad's death. You may have been able to stop her from attempting what she did but, then again, maybe not. You're just one man. Maybe she could have helped you through yours, we can never really know because that is the past. The point is to look towards the future. "I think your night terrors come from the fact you want to save everyone, you need to be everyone's hero but, in your head, you will always fall short. You don't see the fact that you brought your sister to this town and changed her life made you her hero. "And the reason you sleep better when she's with you is because she forgave you and you can't forgive yourself. Learn to forgive yourself because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy." I sat there, stunned by everything. It all made perfect sense yet at the same time it felt so alien to me. I had only seen the things I couldn't do, all of my failures, that I didn't see what I had done. "Let yourself be happy, Benjamin." I thanked her for her time and wandered out of her office. I got to my car and sat there. Then I started it up and drove home in a daze. I sat down at the kitchen table, staring at the wall. I didn't know when Kate would be home but I needed to talk to her. I hurt her yesterday and I needed to explain things to her. I just hoped it would make sense. I sat there for over an hour before she walked in. She was distraught and looked it. Her hair was down, a little oily and unkempt, and she was wearing a sweatshirt with jeans. It hurt that it wasn't my sweatshirt she wore yesterday. "What do you want?" she demanded. "To talk." "Now you want to talk? You left me yesterday, alone to sit and cry, but now you want to talk." She turned to walk away. "Sit down, close your mouth, and open your ears!" She stopped and looked at me. I wanted her to sit down but she stood still. "I'm sorry. Not just for yesterday but for everything. For all of the pain I've ever caused you in your life. "For too long, I've felt responsible for Mom and Dad's deaths. I also felt responsible for those scars on your wrists. If I had been there, maybe it wouldn't have happened. Or maybe it still would have. I've finally come to grips with the fact that I couldn't save you then. But I did realize that I saved you when Mom died. I brought you here, gave you a new home, a new beginning. "And, these past few years, you saved my life. You gave me a purpose. You also gave me a reason to be happy. "I hurt you yesterday because I am afraid to be happy, like I don't deserve it because I couldn't save Mom and Dad and I wasn't there for you. You've shown me I do deserve to be happy and I should try to start." I stopped and took a deep breath, readying myself for not only what I needed her to know but also for her response. "All this time I wanted to be the hero, to save the world, but I didn't see that while I was trying to save everyone else, you were saving me. You're my hero, Kitten." She didn't say anything, just stared at me. "I will do anything you ask me to do, Katherine. Just say something." "What if I asked you to leave?" I got up from the table and headed to the door, my heart breaking, but I held myself together so it would be easier for her to let me go. "Then I will get everything transferred to your name and you'd never see me again." She started to cry. "But you promised you'd never leave me." It took a moment for me to realize what she meant then I ran back to her, grabbing her in my arms and hugging her tight. "I'm so sorry, Kitten. As long as you want me around, I'll never leave you." "I have never felt that good before, that loved," she said, crying into my shoulder and squeezing me."Then you left me alone and I felt like I did two years ago. I started thinking I wasn't good enough, maybe I;m actually broken-" I kissed her lips to make her stop talking, to make her stop thinking that way. "Yesterday, being with you, was the greatest thing I have ever felt. Sex with you was beyond amazing and it was so surreal that I thought I was dreaming." I kissed her again, softer and longer. "Not just the sex, though. Being out, with you and your friends, that was the most fun I have ever had. Nothing compares to when you hold my hand as I sleep." She kissed me, running her hands through my hair. My hands went to her cheeks, wiping the tears from her skin as I traced every inch of her face with my fingers. "Was the sex really that good?" she asked me when we finally stopped to breath. "It was, Kitten. I am so glad it wasn't a dream." She stepped away from me. "Prove it." I wasn't slow this time, when she ran up the stairs, I was right after her. She went straight for her room and I tackled her onto the bed. We laughed for a second before we started kissing again. I pulled her sweatshirt off and began kissing her neck. She was moaning and running her fingers through my hair. I took her hands and looked at her wrists. She caught me and tried to pull them away. I kissed both of her scars, my eyes locked with hers. I wasn't quite sure why but I knew I had to, like I finally accepted what she had done and what I failed to do. She pulled her hands away and grabbed my shirt, pulling it over my head. We kissed again, our tongues working together and exploring our mouths. I worked her shirt over her head, pulling my lips away from hers for just a moment. Our lips found each other again and, with a smile, we continued kissing. Then, pulling my lips away, I kissed down her body. As my lips touched her chest, my hands pulled the straps of her bra down. Surprisingly, I skipped past her breasts and left her bra on her. My tongue found her belly button and I licked it, knowing she was ticklish there. "Stop, Benny." She curled into a ball and laughed. I crawled back up to her and kissed her lips again. Kate pushed me onto my back and crawled on top of me. She started towards my lips then quickly changed direction and kissed my chest, softly touching her lips to my scar. It felt good and it felt like she was releasing me. "These need to go," she said just before she pulled my pants and boxers down. I laid there naked, slightly embarrassed. Then she got off the bed and took her pants off. I just stared at her, the perfection of her white legs. My eyes went to her crotch and I saw the trimmed blonde hair over her pussy. Then she took off her bra and she was naked in front of me. "Wow, Kitten. You're beautiful." She smiled then jumped on top of me, kissing me again and bringing her crotch above mine. I could feel her heat flowing from her and I wondered if she could feel mine. It didn't matter as she lowered herself, slowly, onto me. In one, steady and slow movement, I was all the way inside of my sister. "Benny," she said with a gasp. I pulled her to me and we kissed. Every kiss between us was so full of passion, so wild, I thought my brain would melt from our heat. She was moving up and down, slowly, and it felt so good. Her body would shake every time I was fully inside of her then she'd giggled or smile. I was lost to the moment and all I could think of was my baby sister rising and falling with my cock inside of her. My hands squeezed her hips and I began pushing up into her as she came down onto me. We worked at a good rhythm, our mouths never parting. It felt like we were breathing together, if we breathed at all. I could feel her juices flowing out of her and part of me wanted to taste them. She sat up and I stared at her, the way her body moved as she rode me. This felt like another dream, I didn't think I could get this lucky. Then she looked at me, a smile on her face and I reached up, touching her cheek. I was lucky. Kate began moving faster, her nails digging into my chest. Her mouth started opening and closing, soft moans escaping her lips. She fell forward and started riding me harder, thrusting herself down as hard as possible. I fell in sync with her and wrapped my arms around her. "Fuck!" I grabbed her shoulders and rammed her onto me harder and her eyes squeezed shut as her orgasm took over. Her entire body tensed up and I felt her shake as it started in her toes and shoulders. When it finally reached her pussy, I felt it run out of her. I was so focused on her body and her orgasm, I didn't realize mine was so close. "Kitten, I'm close." Her body relaxed and she started working her body on my cock again. "Let me know, I'll move and jerk you off." It was too late and I just lifted her off of me. My cock spit cum out, shooting it up her back. I thought she would say something or move but she just let me cum. Our bodies went limp and she just laid on top of me. "I love you, Kitten." "I love you, too, Benny." Once we could move again, she got off of me and went to her bathroom. I started to follow her then stopped. "Am I allowed to shower with you?" I yelled over the running water. "Only if you can control yourself." "I'll shower alone, then." She walked out of her bathroom and grabbed my hand. "Get your ass in here." I got under the water and let it wash over me while Kate soaped herself up. I couldn't help but stare at her, she was gorgeous. And my penis thought the same thing as it started growing again. She bent over to wash her legs and I grabbed her hips, pushing myself to her exposed pussy but not entering it. She laughed. "I said you had to control yourself." I grabbed her and brought her lips to mine, feeling the rush her kiss brought me. "I can't help it. You're so gorgeous and you make my blood boil." "Hmm," she moaned with a smile. "How can I say no to that?" She turned around and bent over, placing her hands on the shower wall. I grabbed her hips again and put the head of my cock at her pussy. It was really hot and I couldn't wait to plunge right into it. Self control was tested as I slowly worked myself into her. She was very tight, tighter than she had had been a little bit ago. "Oh god, Kitten, you're tight." I worked my way into her, pushing slowly and enjoying her moans. "Geez, Benny, that feels so good. It feels so deep already." I slid into her with one push. My fingers dug into her hips and I pulled out then slid back into her. She was so wet, I slid all of the way into her and our pelvic bones touched. I saw her fingers try to grip into the shower tile and she arched her back. Something possessed me and I started just thrusting into her with little abandon. All I could hear was her panting and moaning. There was something about her, bent over and her back arched, that sent my body into a manic state and I couldn't hold back my orgasm. "Oh shit, Kitten!" I pulled out of her and pointed my cock down at the drain and watched as another massive load went down the drain. "Wow, brother," Kate said as she stood up, her knees shaking a little bit. "I'm sorry, Kitten, I didn't mean to cum so early. You're just..." She turned around and kissed me. "That was perfect, Benny. But I hope you don't expect sex any time you want it." I hugged her close and stared into her perfect blue eyes. "Not at all." She gave me a quick kiss then finished her shower. Once she was done and out, I quickly scrubbed myself then rinsed off. I went and put fresh clothes on then headed downstairs. "I was thinking turkey burgers and fries for dinner," she told me, already having the small grill out on the counter and the oven on. She was wearing my sweatshirt again and either she had just panties on or nothing at all. "That's fine. Since we didn't see any yesterday, want to watch the Monday night game with me?" "Of course." I went to the living room and flipped on the TV, quickly finding ESPN and muting it. I love football but, sometimes, I hated the pre-game commentary. I headed back to the kitchen and leaned against the wall, a smile on my face. "Can I ask you something?" She turned and looked at me, the ground turkey still being flattened in her hands. "I guess." "How long have you been planning all of this?" "Well, maybe about 20 minutes. Burgers sounded good and you have to have fries with burgers." I walked to her and wrapped my arms around her waist. "Not that, Kitten. This." She smiled and kissed me. "I wasn't, actually. I just like being near you." "If you didn't plan this, why did you tell Cari and Jan I was cute Friday?" "You were home!" She yelled, pushing herself away from me. "I knew I heard someone come in." I smiled and let my cheeks turn pink. "Jan brought it up," she continued as she put the second burger onto the little grill. "I think she has a crush on you." I just nodded my head and made a mental note to talk to her later. If I was having a relationship with my sister, a female ally could be beneficial. And I couldn't hurt her feelings. "I never had plans to be in a relationship with my brother, but you are the only one that makes me feel safe. Then we started sleeping together and I realized that I couldn't sleep unless you were with me so of course I told them. Then they kept pestering me about you and wanted to know if I'd seen you naked or something." She washed her hands and went to the freezer, grabbing the bag of fries. "You have now," I said with a smile. "Yeah, and they were firing off the questions yesterday faster than I could answer them."