1 comments/ 11416 views/ 0 favorites This Guy By: janevalenz Everybody always hears stories about the "big man on campus." He's the guy who scored the winning touchdown at the homecoming game. He's the guy tapping the keg at the frat party. Most guys would like to be him mainly because of the fact that most of the young women on campus wish to spend the night with him. Well, I have news for you, that guy doesn't really exist. At least he doesn't in this universe. That really doesn't matter anyway because this story isn't about that guy. It's about this guy. Sure, he doesn't look like much. In all truth, he looks like the guy you called for tech support when your printer refused to print anything out except for the test sheet. In all truth, he probably did something like that for a summer job. He may even be a computer science major, engineering, or perhaps something in the humanities. If he wears glasses, which is usually the case, he either wears the small wire frames to try to call less attention to his eyes, or the thick plastic frames because he wants to look "indie rock." Don't get me wrong, I love the indie rock guys, but I'll save that breed for another story. As for his hair, it's either sort of shaggy because of the fact that he refuses to get it cut until he goes home to mom, or it's always neatly trimmed in a sort of obsessive-compulsive way. Either way, it's probably similar to the same haircut he's had since elementary school. Blonde, brunette, redheaded, or even jet black, sometimes dyed with streaks or highlights, or the bane of all dye jobs, tipped. Sometimes he thinks he's being a "metrosexual," but in all truth, he looks like a poser. Once again, it would appear that I am only tearing this guy to pieces with insults, but that is not the point I am trying to make. The point I am trying to make is that he is the last guy in the world that you would ever expect to be a sex god. Yet somehow, he is. It is for the simple reason of expectation. A girl sees an athletic, virile young man and immediately expects that not only will he provide reliable genes to help propagate the human race with, but also expects that the act of propagation will be most pleasurable. However, this guy generally knows of his physical prowess and pleasing appearance and has no interest in pleasing any potential sexual partners he may encounter. Instead, he just thinks about how lucky this bitch is for getting a pussyload of his love juice. I generally avoid using vulgar terms in my writing, but I am only using the terminology that most of these cro-Magnon type men know how to use. On the other hand, a girl sees a guy like the previous example and thinks "Isn't this guy in my anthropology class? He looks like a total loser." Yet for whatever reason, she actually gives him a chance. Perhaps she is tanked up to the point where she can't even remember her own name, or maybe she wants to try something different. Either way, the results generally tend to surprise the girl. This is because he thinks the exact opposite way of his neolithic counterparts. He can't believe how lucky he is to actually get into bed with a girl and wants to make sure she'll call him again. How exactly does he do this? Well, perhaps all of that online time looking at porn was partially to get tips. However, the drawback to porn is the fact that no matter what, there absolutely has to be an orgasm, multiple ones even. Even though the guy can't fake it, the woman usually has to pretend that she's enjoying getting rammed up the ass under hot lights in front of a bunch of people she doesn't know very well. Yet the wonderful thing about the internet is the massive exchange of information. People can share information about what works and what doesn't work during sex. In the case of our example unassuming male, he also learns things from trial and error. Although this hit or miss method sounds haphazard, it tends to have beneficial results, not only for the guy, but the girl he is with. The mere fact that the guy is putting forth the effort to do something more than the typical "on top, hump, roll over, and fall asleep" enormously appeals to females. Also, even though no two people are a like, there is a general rule. I hope you cavemen are paying close attention... FOREPLAY. There, I said it. It doesn't really matter, but make it last, and most importantly, make it count. Skin is sensitive, use that to your advantage. Gentle grazing with fingertips, licking, sucking, just make sure she is aching with anticipation before you finally penetrate her. I don't know about other girls, but for example, the neck, shoulders, and back area are great erogenous zones. Also, I don't know about every girl, but I'm pretty sure that a lot of girls like oral sex. No, not just giving, but receiving. There lies the beauty of reciprocity. Here's another little secret, a combination of manual and oral is practically guaranteed to make her scream, especially if you can find her clitoris, which isn't really that hard. She's probably more than willing to show you if you just ask. Once you've made her come once, it won't be hard to do it again while you're actually having sex. And once again, make it last, and make it count during the act itself. You've gotten this far, so don't blow it now. When you're absolutely sure that there's no way you can last any longer, and that she's had her fill, completely let go. It might actually feel better than the old "in and out." Oh yeah, and don't forget to wrap it up, wear a condom, and don't forget to stay with the girl. Talk to her, maybe cuddle. Who knows? It might not be as boring as you thought it would be. Thus ends the information exchange... But anyway, back to this guy. He might not look like much, but every guy should aim to be as conscientious as this guy. Girls, give him a chance...but not before I'm done with him. That's it for now, happy hunting! This Guy Walks into a Bar A Not So Funny Joke On Modern Times This Guy walks into a Bar....... As his eyes adjust to the dim lighting and his nose tries to adapt to the stench, Guy sees his PI sitting at the bar. He walked over next to her. While waiting for the bartender to come down to this end, Guy watches the eyes of the PI in the mirror. She tilts her head towards her right shoulder. The bartender asks him what he wants. Guy orders a shot of Irish and a draft from the bartender then he turns around and sees the couple necking in a dimly lit corner booth. He tells the bartender to have the waitress bring his order and whatever the couple in the booth in the corner are drinking. Guy walks over and sits down sliding over next to the startled woman and puts one arm in a familiar gesture around over her shoulders, pulling her away from the now glowering other man. Waitress sets the Irish whiskey & draft beer in front of Guy, a rum & cola before the woman and a bourbon on the rocks in front of the other man, taking their empty glasses. Guy drops a twenty and a ten on the tray and tells her to keep the change. Once the waitress sashays away, Guy starts talking to the man who had been necking with the woman. "Hey fellow, I know you and I haven't met but obviously you are well acquainted with my pretty wife here." The angry look on the other man's face from the interruption and familiarity towards his date quickly becomes wary, then glares at her. "You told me that your marriage was over!" Finishing a good swallow of the rum & cola and putting the glass back down. She turns her hostile visage from her intrusive husband, to sneer at the man now sitting across from her. "You're a typical man, you only hear what'll get your rocks off." After shooting down the whiskey and chasing it with half the draft beer, Guy slaps the mug down and runs his free arm sleeve across his mouth. "Yeah, she's good at that innocent, abandoned divorcee act. You ain't the first to fall for her cowshit. You won't be the last!" She violently pulled away from his arm into the middle between the two men and spat at him. "You fucking well know that our divorce will be final in just two weeks! You got no hope in hell of getting me back." With equal venom, he replied. "Honey, why would I want your sorry skank cunt back?" Guy looks back at the other man, who is so obviously trying to make up his mind between 'fight or flight'. "I'm just here to remind my ex-darling here to be on time Monday for 'Our' Clinic appointment. That was a nasty case of drug resistant gonorrhea that her last Mister Wonderful left us with plus the HIV tests we'll have to keep doing for the rest of the year." Guy looked coldly across at the other man and then, with a small twinge of pity. In a very tired voice, worn out by repetition, he attempts to explain, one goddamn more time. "I'm trying to keep this stupid slut alive for our children's sake. Especially since the morons in the legal system gave her full custody. Plus, if anything happens to her, then her parents, the same useless hippie idiot's that raised this whore, would get my children." With barely contained anger and contempt he snarled at her. "Funny that she hasn't spent more then an hour or two a day with them, this month. And even if those bureaucraps in Protective Services, would pull their smug, empty heads out of their asses, they would then toss my children into the maw of the foster system with all the emotion of dropping a banana peel into a trash can!" Turning back to the other man, Guy sneered. "By the way fella, how much time have you been spending with your children? And when you bring home some killer disease to Your Loving Wife..........Who'll get stuck with raising Your offspring?" The other man looked really pissed at this and started to slide out but Guy snapped his fingers and ordered him . "Whoa there buckaroo, you haven't heard the best of the worst yet! I hope you haven't been riding this public health menace bareback. I saw you two kissing when I walked in. Every exchange of ANY bodily fluids is potentially infectious. You better hope that you haven't been using that same mouth for kissing your own wife and children." The other man's face was red with anger now turned white with fear as Guy soothed his parched throat with the remainder of his beer before continuing. Facing his ex-wife again, Guy bluntly remarks. "So ex-dearest, this means a new round of testing for you. But you won't be alone, pretentious cockerel here and his blindsided wife will be joining you. Makes me happy I haven't swapped so much as spit with you in the last six months." There is a growing look of angry fear on the other man's face. The soon-to-be-excess-wife is quietly crying with her head down and her faced covered by her hands. Guy continues to speak as he leans over the table to hand the other man a business card. "This is for the Clinic handling all the tests and treatment regimes for dumb cum dump here and all the dumber men and their dumbfounded wives and girlfriends. You'll have to get in line and take a number." Guy growled. "Wait till you have to explain to your children why they have to be tested." Then he paused again, for effect. "Wait till you have to explain it to your parents..........and yours!" The other man blanched in panic as each blow hit home. "You and your wife need to make an appointment, ASAP. Bring a list of everyone you've been fucking, licking, buggering, fingering, rimming and kissing the last few months including your children, parents, everyone. Better to be proactive then attending their funerals." Guy stood up, looming over the stricken pair as stern as the Final Judgement. "Don't bother sneaking off somewhere else for treatment. Where ever else you might go will just have to refer you to this clinic any way. This Clinic's doctors are testing a new series of drugs for combating multiple STI's with measurable success." Guy's eyes coldly measuring the worth of this man, who is so lacking in self-control as to commit multiple infidelities without a thought of the consequences. So smugly certain of his Alpha Male superiority over all us wimps, whose wives and girlfriends he takes with impunity. Guy decides with implacable certainty that this may be a male animal but 'it' is definitely not a man! "As a 'manly player' cocksman. You've already been reported to the CDC and they will have you on their Watch List by the end of the week. If you don't show up, like stupid here tried. A Public Health Officer accompanied by a Sheriff's Deputy or State Trooper will be a'knocking at your home and workplace to bring you and your wife in for treatment." "Guess what? Public Health Doctor's don't give a flying fuck about your civil rights and they don't have to! Their first duty is to try to prevent or suppress epidemics." "My ex is an idiot but you have to be just as stupid if you haven't been using a condom every time you've been fucking her. So now I have to assume that you have reinfected this most stupid of women. With what ever dripping diseases the prostitutes you have been visiting every payday, have passed along to you." "And, I'm curious. You do know those twenty dollar blowjob whores on Gold Street are cross-dressing queers? Like the one you used Friday." The man opposite him shot to his feet. His eyes bugged wide open and a look of horror swept across his face. Suddenly he bolted away, stumbling outside to vomit all over the sidewalk. The PI looked at me and shrugged her head if she should follow him? I shook my head slightly, for her to continue to shadow my-ex-whore. "For one, goddamned weekend, couldn't you have stayed home and spent it with our children? Pretended you are a loving mother? For just two days!?! Uhhmm, wait, scratch that. Do not kiss the children! Maybe it would be best if you stayed away from them, until you are tested clean again." He stood there wondering whatever compelled her, the woman he once loved so very much, down this dark road to perdition, then gave up with one last demand. "Damnit! Couldn't you keep your legs together for just a few more weeks?" This Guy walks out of a bar. With a heavy heart knowing that this won't be the last time or the last bar or the last confrontation. Until she finishes trying to kill herself and he can walk away from her grave.