0 comments/ 19307 views/ 2 favorites The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 01 By: Cal Y. Pygia I was at the public library the other day, perusing books. Okay, really, I was perusing the titles of books. (Who has time, these days, to read actual books? Just joking. I do read them, sometimes, if their titles catch my eye.) Anyway, I saw one that interested me: The World's 100 Greatest Inventions. Taking it from the shelves, which, I noticed, were a little--okay, a lot--dustier than the stacks in other sections of the library, science and technology volumes being of little or no interest to anyone other than nerds, except geeks, among whom I count myself, on both counts. Quickly, I flipped to the index, read down the columns to "D," and looked for the greatest of the world's 100 greatest inventions--and, would you believe it? It wasn't there! It wasn't listed! If I'd bought the book, instead of merely having stolen it from the public library, I'd have demanded my money back. The World's 100 Greatest Inventions without the greatest of them all? It was incredible. It was a rip off! At home, I looked again, carefully trailing my finger down the page, thinking, surely, I must have missed it, for there was no way that the author of The World's 100 Greatest Inventions could have overlooked the greatest of the great, but to no avail. "Dildo" was not listed anywhere among the world's 100 greatest inventions! What kind of idiot could write The World's 100 Greatest Inventions and leave out not only the dildo, but also such marvels silicone breast implants, as ben-wa balls, anal beads, condoms, the pocket pussy, inflatable sex dolls, edible panties, cock rings, penis-shaped lipsticks, and thong bikinis? I knew, then and there, that I'd have to correct these terrible oversights, but I didn't want to have to take the time and to make the effort to write a whole book about these inventions, no way! So I decided I'd just write a series of articles concerning "The World's 10 Greatest Inventions," named above. This is the first one, about "The Dildo." The dildo was the first boy toy, minus the boy. Sappho, the lesbian love poet, is thought to have invented this "marital aid," because she wanted the benefits of a male without the encumbrance of a man. A maiden's tongue was not always enough to satisfy her, scholars--male scholars, at least--believe, and, seeking a satisfying alternative, it's thought that she was inspired by witnessing a eunuch's castration. "If he doesn't need his thick dick," she wrote one of her many lovers, "we could use it to do a trick." However, neither Sappho nor her girlfriends were much enamored of the appearance of the dismembered member. "It looks far too manly," Sappho complained, "to please the likes of me." Using the eunuch's penis as a model, the poet and her friends, experimenting with various materials, including stone, tar, wood, and leather, endeavored to improve upon Mother Nature. It wasn't as easy a task as Sappho and her concubines imagined. Stone was both too hard (and too cold), tar tended to melt when the ladies heated up, and wood splintered under the force of amorous thrusts, giving a whole new meaning to penetration. Leather seemed just the thing, and it was adopted, remaining popular for generations, until the rise (and swell) of plastics and rubbers and silicone gels. Since the ladies, being lesbian, had no intention of ever becoming pregnant, they decided that testicles were not only ugly, but also unnecessary impediments to a more streamlined, aerodynamic design, and the women promptly severed and discarded them. The women also experimented with various dyes, with the result that they were able to accumulate quite a supply of "colorful dongs," as one anthropologist, Dr. Ima Liz Bean, termed the ladies' collection. Some women, in fact, used their assortments as flowers, of a sort, which they planted in pots and window boxes. Dildos became so vital to women's health and welfare, not to mention happiness, that they were included in the tombs of the rich and powerful, although women of lesser rank had to content themselves with the bony phalanges of their desiccated or fleshless fingers. Surprisingly enough, animal penises, which were in ready supply only a few generations after Noah's ark concluded its maiden voyage, were not typically used as dildos. Bulls' penises reach a length of two and a half feet, elephants a length of over six feet, and blue whales a length of eight feet. Perhaps, on reflection, this is the reason that women preferred dildos of the sizes of the males of their own species. Size may or may nor matter, but, at some point, a dildo of such vast dimensions as even the bull's pizzle would seem to become more a hazardous than a desirable commodity, even for the most accommodating woman. Over the years, additional bells and whistles were added to the dildo, and the leather phallus gave way to silicone phalli and to plastic penises of the sort that the late Michael Jackson is rumored to have had attached, in several locations, both inside and outside his anatomy, during his many cosmetic surgical procedures. (And you thought he had all those operations just so he could have a nose like Pinocchio's!) Today, there are dildos that glow in the dark, juggle, swim, fly, hover, sing, and dance. Some are miniaturized, for use an anal accessories, and a few models are equipped with shafts, fore and aft, so that milady may please herself vaginally and anally at the same time, without need of two men, or even one, or without even the need for so much as a single male part. For lesbian women, it doesn't get any better than this. Egyptian queens found that, harnessed, a team of dildos could even pull the royal chariot. Available in every flavor imaginable, and a few unimaginable, the edible vanilla and chocolate varieties remain most popular among ladies of refined taste. Yes, the modern dildo can do virtually everything imaginable but piss and ejaculate. Even in the age of science, it seems, we can't have it all. It is one of nature's stranger quirks that the dildo was invented by a lesbian poet, but stranger things have happened, such as women's agreeing that men should design their clothing, hairstyles, and makeup. It is men, not women themselves, who must instruct women what it means to be a woman and how to go about the business of being such. It's only fair, perhaps, that women have decided that they can do very nicely without a man in their lives. All they need, and want, is a just a piece of him, modeled in their own image of essential masculinity, castrated and refashioned into a trinket, that, when not in use, may serve as another fashionable accessory to their wardrobes or another knickknack to lend its unique, if odd, glamour to their house's décor. The artificial penis, it seems safe to say, has given a new sense of meaning to the psychological term "phallic woman." (By the way, not only is the dildo a girl's best friend, but it makes a nice stocking stuffer, too, for the discerning Christmas shopper.) Next: Silicone Breast Implants. The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 02 A breast implant is a chest prosthesis (hey, the manufacturers had to call them something that's sounds sort of scientific or medical or something; they couldn't just call them fake tits). The procedure used to "implant" them is known as "breast augmentation," "boob job," or, less frequently, "augmentation mammoplasty," because recipients of the fake tits tell their doctors--the ones who don't botch the operation, anyway, "Thanks for the mammaries." Women undergo breast augmentation surgery for two reasons: (a) celebrities are doing it and (2) they want bigger tits. However, because, to some folks, especially those at the health insurance companies who are paying the freight, such reasons are likely to sound unreasonable, so doctors have come up with several excuses that sound (a bit) more legit. They say women need fake tits for breast reconstruction, following mastectomies, to correct congenital chest wall deformities, or to facilitate their sex-reassignment surgery. Somebody must believe the doctors, because boob jobs represent the single most frequently performed cosmetic surgical procedure, bar none, in the United States, with close to 350,000 operations performed in a typical year. At this rate, it won't be long before every woman looks like Dolly Parton, and can say, as Dolly told Bill O'Reilly, concerning her own tits, "I don't know if I'm supporting them or they're supporting me." Doctors used women as guinea pigs for a decade or so, experimenting with various materials as they searched for the perfect substance out of which to make implants. One of the more disastrous was the silicone implant, which tended to rupture inside milady, filling her bloodstream with leaked goop. A few hundred deaths later, designers had improved their product to the extent that the Food and Drug Administration, or FDA, the same watchdog organization that has approved bioengineered livestock for human consumption, presumably because the lobbyists finally got their bribes--oops, I mean their "contributions"--to the right senators and congressmen right, and silicone breast implants are back, probably in a pair of boobs near you. Other materials that have been tried, with as much success, which is to say, failure, include tissue from a woman's own benign tumor, paraffin injections (ouch!), ivory (huh?), glass balls, ground rubber, ox cartilage, Terylene wool, gutta-percha, Dicora, polyethylene chips, sponges, and, well, a bunch of other stuff that's hard to pronounce. Most popular are saline implants and silicone gel implants. Before a woman can undergo breast augmentation, she has to be assessed by mental health specialists and be diagnosed as being nuttier than a fruitcake, because, health experts reason, who but a crazy woman (or the late Michael Jackson) would want someone slicing their chest open just to shove a bag of saltwater or silicone goop in there? However, it is relatively simple to feign "mental illness," simply by pretending that one is either Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, or Chris Crocker. (Tip: One candidate for breast augmentation fooled shrinks into thinking her mentally ill simply by saying that her breasts were jealous of Pamela Anderson's post-boob job cleavage.) Women who opt to undergo the procedure can choose from six incision sites: inframammary (in the crease below the tit), periareolar (at the edge or the areola, or "halo" that surrounds the boob), transacillary (through the armpit; used for transsexuals), transumbilical (through the belly button), transabdominalplasty (through the tummy), or areolar vertical approach (similar to the periareolar, but more expensive). Likewise, implant recipients have a choice as to the implants are placed. Subglandular implants are tucked in between the boob and the pectoralis muscle. Subfascial implants are inserted in the same location, except that they are shoved down beneath the pectoralis muscle. Subpectoral implants are positioned, often with a crane, between the pectoralis major muscle, but after the inferior muscle attachments have been defused. Finally, the submuscular implant is pushed below the pectoralis muscle without first defusing the lateral chest wall muscles, creating, in effect, a walking time bomb. The material of choice for plastic surgeons, boob job recipients, and men who prefer fake tits to the real deal (most, as it turns out) is the silicone gel implant, developed by a pair of boob enthusiasts, Thomas Cronin and frank Gerow, both of Houston Texas, the state wherein everything is bigger. Since 1962, when they "implanted" the first crazy woman, the proud papas have fathered five generations of their implants because women and their lovers requested softer tits, less leakage, and fewer "migrations" of the goop inside the women's boobs. It takes about a week to "recover" from a boob job, during which scars will be visible, pain will be "manageable," and (on the plus side) milady won't be able to cook, clean, or do other household chores for at least six weeks (so, guys, you'd better be prepared to hire a maid). Sometimes, "complications" ensue a boob job. These include post-operative bleeding; fluid buildup; surgical site infection or breakdown; scarification; painful titties; the Rip Van Winkle, or California Raisins, Effect; droopy dugs; asymmetry; thin tit tissue; bread loafing; implant rupture; prolonged physical illness, and untimely death (sometimes by suicide). In addition, whereas natural boobs point slightly away from one another, as if they've had a tiff and aren't on speaking terms, and there is a noticeable cleavage (vertical gap) between them, fake boobs often look as if they want a divorce, despite their unnatural closeness to one another. Botched boob jobs can turn a relatively attractive, if formerly flat-chested young miss into a female Frankestein's monster whose mismatched mammaries look as if they were installed by Ed Gein. Alternatively, botched boob jobs can give the recipient a comical look, as if her tits are, so to speak, cross-eyed. On the plus side, if all goes well, milady will have tits of the size she's always envied in other women, which is, most often, of watermelon dimensions. Unfortunately, her asinine boyfriend or husband (or, girlfriend, if she's bisexual or lesbian) definitely will not stop looking at other women's tits. Note: No tits were injured or killed in the writing of this article. Next: Ben-wa Balls! The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 03 The human body is 98 percent water. Most of the hydrogen and oxygen in the female anatomy's in the hips: women are positively oceanic, as anyone, male or female, knows who's ever gotten a lady to the point of no control--and, no, I'm not talking PMS here; I'm talking the big "O," orgasm. If women can cry a river (and, trust me, they can), their cunts can produce a flood of truly Biblical proportions. To help them find release for all those pent-up waters, a Chinese man named Ben Wa invented a pair of balls, supposedly modeled upon his own, which, being fatherless himself, he named in his own honor, hoping for a legacy despite his lack of an heir. In China, where a sexual position may be called The Lioness of the Cheese Grater and the penis itself is referred to as the Jade Stalk and the vagina is labeled as the Lotus Flower, at least in the Kama Sutra, Ben Wa's balls were sometimes euphemistically known as "Burmese bells" or, among geishas, as "Geisha balls." In the West, they're called simply "ben-wa balls," possibly because their initial distributor was unaware that "Ben Wa" is a proper name among the Chinese. About the size of marbles (Ben Wa had relatively small testicles, it appears), the hollow spheres are filled with a small weight that rolls around inside the globes to provide internal stimulation "in all the right places," whether the balls are inserted vaginally, anally, or in both anatomical orifices simultaneously. As is the case with most inventions, later "inventors" couldn't leave well enough alone and have added many "improvements" to Ben Wa's original design so that they can obtain patents and (they hope) earn millions of dollars from sexually frustrated, lonely, old, and/or ugly women. (Despite the appearance of sexy, hot, young women on the product's package, no sexy, hot, young woman has need of this product and, consequently, would be extremely unlikely to purchase it even on "sale.") "Innovations" to Ben Wa's original design include bells and whistles which, some say, sound "curious" coming from "down there." Women who've experienced multiple orgasms while employing musical versions of the sex toy are known to have played a variety of "twat tunes," as such serenades are known, including, in one case, "The Star-Spangled Banner." Another "innovation" is a larger ball, known as the Duotone ball, that is itself filled with smaller balls, the smaller ones performing the same function as the weight performs in Ben Wa's original invention. In the Tongue-Lashing model, tiny tongue-like appendages, made of silicone gel, have been embedded in other versions, to stimulate "skinny dipping among hungry fishes." To prevent the balls from becoming lost inside the vagina and/or uterus (or inside the anus and/or rectum), they are attached to 10-pound strength fishing line, which, fear not, ladies, has enough tensile strength to land a great white shark, thus saving users from the embarrassing need to visit their local hospital's emergency room for a ben-wa ballectomy. The balls are easy to operate. The user need only rotate her hips, and the miraculous masturbatory devices will do all the rest of the work. (For maximum effect, it's recommended that the balls be inserted before such gyrations begin.) Although special training is not required, it's thought that hula and belly dancers may realize more "stimulus" than ladies who are not adept in the motions associated with such dances. Likewise, especially for old crones, their use while one is seated in a rocking chair is supposed to enhance the balls' effects, especially if one rocks in the chair while seated there. Moreover, one can leave the balls in the vagina all day, if she is especially horny (or even if she is not). (Dried-up old spinsters may wish to include a few tubes of lubricant.) For women who may be a bit shy about using a "masturbatory aid," Chinese philosophers, many of whom have been effeminate men, have invented several excuses for using the balls, many of which actually sound pretty good. The Taoist Deer Exercise, for example, is alleged to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, or the Rocking Cradle's Cradle, as they are known in the Kama Sutra, and gynecologists suggest that their use can increase "vaginal elasticity," though not in men. The use of ben-wa balls is also supposed to cure urinary incontinence, bedwetting, whooping cough, dropsy, gout, acne, the heartbreak of psoriasis, tunnel vision, post-natal drip, and nymphomania. To suggest their true value, many ben-wa balls are painted either gold or silver. For women who cannot afford the finer things in life, cheap plastic knockoffs are available at discount prices, although, for these, sterilization is recommended not only before and after, but also during, use, especially if they're used anally. Esophageal use is not recommended, as ben-wa balls could pose a choking hazard if used orally. Next: Anal Beads The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 04 Until Sigmund Freud helped us out with his concepts of the anal stage, anal retention, and similar kinky ideas related to our assholes, the anus had been a largely ignored, even disparaged and maligned, muscle. Unlike the lips, or even the labia, it seldom received kisses, and anyone who thought of it as a surrogate vagina was considered gross, perverted, unnatural, and probably a gibbering idiot, if not downright insane, even if the anus in question was "female" and the act of intercourse being considered was hetero-, rather than homo-, sexual. Since Freudian times, though, the anus has come into its own, both as the terminus of the alimentary canal and as an erogenous zone in its own right. Therefore, like all other such sexual centers, it's become the subject of get-rich schemers and their inventions, one of which it's my honor and privilege to consider in this, the fourth installment in "The World's 10 Greatest Inventions," the amazing anal beads! (In some chapters, I've had to shorten the title to "World's 10 Greatest Inventions" so as to include the chapter number because Literotica is really chintzy about allocating character space in its stories' "Title" field, as you'd know if you'd get off your ass and contribute something.) They're called beads, mind you, not "balls" or even "bells" (and especially not "bullets"), because, presumably, people are more inclined to cram beads up their butts than they are to jam balls or bells up there (although many don't seem at all opposed to plugging their bottoms with--well, butt plugs, but that's a story for another article.) Usually, anal beads are plastic and small (but some can get pretty big, although seldom bigger than--or even as big as--a breadbox). Like ben-wa balls, anal beads come strung on a string (what else would they be strung on?) to make their removal safe and easy. The whole object of their use lies in pushing them through the anus, into the rectum, one after the next, and then pulling them out again, one by one. Why? To stimulate the nerve endings within and around the anus while proving how anal retentive one can be seems to be the pretty much the whole idea. Plus, it's pretty sexy. Or gross. Or both. Depending upon one's point of view. It's a good idea to count the beads after they're used (and before, too) to make sure that none of them, having become detached, has become a squatter or staked a claim to some territory where the sun doesn't shine. (It's best to envelope the beads, even if they are on a string, in a condom to prevent an embarrassing trip to the local emergency room should the string break inside the rectum, as even "safe sex" has its risks!) Never share your beads with a partner of either sex; make him or her buy his or her own. Although they come in various textures, from wild to mild, some of them resembling burrs and others polished ball bearings, the smooth-surface type are best, as they are less likely to rip, tear, rend, and/or shred the delicate membranes of the bowel, should you be so foolish as to actually shove one or more beads up your ass, or allow some other idiot to do so. It's better, actually, to watch videos of women using the beads. For one thing, it's a lot safer than using yourself as your own gerbil or guinea pig. Unless you're a hot X-rated video bimbo, watching a porn star shove beads up her ass is also going to be a whole lot sexier to watch, too, especially if she moans and groans each time a bead goes up or is pulled out again, which there's a good chance she might, if the director's any good and isn't too stoned to direct. Some manufacturers make a one-size-fits-all model by stringing small beads, say of ¼-inch diameter, toward the tail end of the string and larger ones, maybe an inch in diameter, at the upper end, or head, where the pull-ring is attached (for easy retrieval--unless the damned string breaks, in which you can pretty much kiss your ass goodbye). The beads are usually brightly colored, too, because if they weren't pretty (at least before they're actually shoved up your or someone else's poop chute), who'd want to own one. Besides, between uses, strings of pink, lavender, blue-green, amethyst, silver, or gold beads make nice fashion accessories, doubling as elegant bracelets. Ladies who use anal beads should never insert them into their cunts after they've been up their asses, but the opposite route is not only safe but provides a fun, easy way to lubricate the beads (provided, of course that one's pussy is wet). There are all sorts of nasty bacteria inside the rectum, but there's not much inside a twat except maybe a little mucus, possible yeast, occasional blood, and, once a month, an egg. Men shouldn't have to worry about this, unless they're female-to-male transsexuals who haven't gone all the way yet, trading their female set of genitals for the opposite sex's sex, or male-to-female transsexuals who have gone all the way, trading their male set of genitals for the opposite sex's sex. (Shemales, bless them, complicate everything!) Some women (and a few faggots) string homemade anal beads, and there's no reason that this couldn't be a pajama party pastime, as long as the jewelry designers remember to use stout string and smooth beads, securing a reliable hook, eyelet, grommet, or ring to one end of the string to facilitate the beads' removal--that, or equip each bead on the strand with its own, miniature global-positioning satellite disc. Various websites offer guidance as to how to use anal beads, but if you have a brain, an ass, and a string of beads that will fit inside your butt, you don't need too much help; just keep the beads sterile and don't share them, and use common sense, and have the number of a dependable ambulance service and/or fire and rescue personnel handy, and maybe a doctor and a couple of nurses and an emergency room on standby, and you should be just fine. However, if you are in doubt, feel free to make out your will ahead of time and, if you have an estate worth more than $100,00, or even $50,000, make me your executor. Times are hard, after all, and, while I don't wish either you or your gerbil partner bad luck, if you should happen to encounter said luck, anyway, as a result of a runaway bead, or worse, why shouldn't I get a little out of your misfortune? After all, you'll die happy and, if and when the time comes, what happens to your money will be the least of your concerns. Besides, anal beads are safe. Trust me. Next: Condoms The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 05 The condom was meant to be the world's first pocket pussy, or portable artificial vagina (about which more information will be disseminated in the next installment in this series). However, it proved inadequate for this purpose, and, after having invested a lot of time and some ingenuity in developing the thing, some other purpose had to be found for it, so its inventor, whose name has been lost among the millions of anonymous Neanderthals (or, possibly, Cro-Magnons) of prehistory, decided it would do as a sperm catcher, although, even with a brain as primitive as that of the prototypical man's, the inventor had sense enough to know that it needed a catchier name than "sperm catcher," so, for want of a better term, he called it a "prophylactic." When no one else could pronounce the word, however, it became known as the "condom," and that's the truth. The first condom was made of the intestines of Dolly, its inventor's pet sheep by day and his wife (and blanket) by night. Her intestines were used for two reasons. First, their employment preserved, and, therefore, reserved Dolly's vagina for her husband's use and, second, because he knew, from personal experience, that, as a surrogate vagina, Dolly's intestines were hard to beat and would feel good covering his, or any other caveman's, erect penis. When the device failed as a portable pussy, it was touted as a means of preventing pregnancy and other diseases, and, in fact, sex education teachers have documented the effectiveness of condom use in preventing pregnancy. Among the thousands of cucumbers over which they have unrolled condoms to demonstrate to schoolchildren how to do likewise, not a single vegetables has gone stark raving preggers. (Unfortunately, the same effect does not always occur among the schoolchildren themselves, and some sex educators contend that students should be taught that "abstinence makes the heart grow fonder" rather than how to put a condom on a cucumber.) God has mixed feelings about condom use. In Protestant camps, clergymen often don this gay apparel to prevent impregnating their wives and girlfriends, whereas, among Catholic priests, condom use is considered sinful, because God has bidden men and women to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth." Somehow, the priests do not see their vows of chastity to be sinful, despite the fact that chastity also seems to prevent fruitfulness, multiplicity, and the replenishment of the species. In the beginning, a lot of different inventors experimented with a lot of different materials besides Dolly's intestines in their never-ending campaign to improve the appearance, texture, and durability of the condom, some fashioning it of oiled silk, others of tortoise shell, and still others of animal horn, thereby coining the word "horny" as an adjective to describe condoms. (Men, not women, invented the condom and its myriad "improvements," intent, as they have always been, upon having the fun of sex without the long-term responsibility of fatherhood, and they don't really care what they stuff up a woman's cunt as long as whatever it is, whether animal intestines, oiled silk, tortoise shell, or animal horn, it does its job effectively.) Gabriele Falloppio's discovery of syphilis, sometime along the sixteenth century, led to a resurgence of interest in the condom, and the prophylactic was reintroduced, this time with ribbons attached to it as a means of fastening it--one hesitates to use the phrase "secure it"--to the erect penis. However, the condom failed as often as it worked, for it often tore, broke, or fell off inside milady's muff, and it was only during the world wars that governments took an interest in perfecting the invention as a means of protecting drunken sailors and other intoxicated military men from the prostitutes with whom they consorted between firefights. (There's such a thing as a female condom, resembling a sort of urinal, made for women Marines and other female fighting men, but I don't want to think about that.) Not since high school had the government been so interested in their extracurricular activities, and, initially, some soldiers weren't sure why the hell the government was supplying them with condoms instead of bullets. In fact, a few soldiers actually put their issue of condoms over the barrels of their rifles to keep out dust, dirt, sand, sperm resulting from masturbatory activity, and other detritus; used them to store corrosive fuel additives; and employed them to protect non-electric firing assemblies used in underwater demolitions. (Criminals like to store drugs or alcohol inside condoms for anal-retentive transportation into prison facilities.) Since the world wars, the manufacture, testing, and distribution of condoms have become enormously successful enterprises, and the human race now teeters upon the brink of extinction, as births continue to fall precipitously. (Psst! An insider's stock market tip, exclusive to Literotica readers: Cornstarch production and sales are on the increase, too, since it, instead of talc, has become the favorite substance for "dusting" condoms prior to their packaging to prevent their self-sticking when rolled.) Only a handful of companies are perverted enough to make money by preventing the births of millions of unwanted babies: Seton Scholl, Ltd., Church and Dwight, Okamoto Rubber Company, Adam & Steve, and Dunlop Tires. Today, most condoms are made of polyurethane or latex rubber, and resemble balloons when they stretch out for a nap. Otherwise, they look like rings with a transparent (or, sometimes, colored) center. Testing facilities report the ability of machines to stretch condoms a distance that is eight times greater than condoms' own length before the material snaps under pressure (as anyone would). Condoms are filled with water or electrocuted as a means of detecting holes before they're packaged and shipped to men's rooms, pharmacies, and "family planning" clinics everywhere. One size fits all (in case you were wondering or had dozed off when the great elasticity or latex was mentioned, just a moment ago). Condoms come in many colors and flavors and can be eaten before, during, or after intercourse, although I wouldn't recommend it. Some men claim that fruit or candy flavors make women more inclined to suck cock when a man wears a condom, but no women have ever been heard to make this assertion. However, a few ladies have agreed that the reservoir tip with which some condoms are equipped is "cute." In general, women also agree to disagree with men that "ribbed" condoms or condoms equipped with "French ticklers" enhance their sexual experience. There's an anti-rape condom, too, which acts as a sort of vagina dentata, or vagina with teeth. If you're not sure what the hell that is, watch the movie Teeth. Tomorrow's condom is likely to be "invisible," formed by spraying on liquefied latex (inspired by the sight of a drive-through car wash), or using a gel that hardens (and swells?) inside the vagina or, for the misguided, the rectum, and there's even one that may compete against Viagra and similar drugs, using a "mild electric shock" to keep a man manly while he does his duty. What won't they think of next? * Next: The Pocket Pussy The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 06 No matter how much a guy invests in a gal, plying her fine wine and expensive food and squiring her to nightclubs, movies, and (yuck!) operas and plays, he can’t really count on her to be available at his beck and call. Thanks to feminism, she’s become “liberated.” There may be times, then, that, despite a man’s need for a little--or a lot--of amorous play, his playmate’s missing in action. Fortunately, there’s a backup in the form of the Pocket Pussy. As it’s name implies, the Pocket Pussy is a portable artificial vagina. Tubular, it resembles a flashlight, except that, where the lens would be, there’s a pouting pussy. The labia, quite helpfully, are always open, allowing easy access to the interior of the device’s cylindrical intimate parts. The Pocket Pussy has so many advantages over the real deal that it’s a wonder, quite frankly, why men even mess with fleshly twats anymore. The Pocket Pussy fits into the pocket (hence, it’s name) and is therefore portable, it doesn’t menstruate, it can’t be impregnated, it can’t transmit diseases, and it’s not attached to a brain that thinks for itself or to a personality that’s subject to mood swings and capricious changes of mind. To make the device realistic, it’s equipped with a vibrator to simulate hysteria. Some say that the Pocket Pussy is an insult to “real women” because it dehumanizes the female sex. I say it honors women; after all, the Pocket Pussy embodies, in a more or less realistic way, the best parts of a woman, not her worst aspects (the aforementioned brain and personality). A Pocket Pussy is much less expensive than a woman. It needs no food, drink, clothing, fashion “accessories,” feminine hygiene products, or other “necessities of life,” and it’s content to stay at home (or even in one’s pocket, hence its name). It’s low maintenance, requiring only a little soap (preferably of the antibacterial variety) and water before and after use. The Pocket Pussy comes in as many varieties of flesh tones as there are racial and ethnic groups, which is to say Pitted Olive (Asian), Peaches and Cream (Caucasian), and Chocolate Mocha (African-American), making it possible, in our increasingly multicultural culture, to have sex with multiple sex partners, each of a different race or ethnicity. Some aficionados of the product speak of it as “an orgy in your pocket.” Operating the Pocket Pussy is simplicity itself. Even a girl could do it (if she had a penis). Simply treat the flashlight-like object as if it were a fist. Grasping it so that it is inclined from the vertical in the same plane as the erect penis, simply lower the labia end over the erection and jerk it up and down, as slowly or as quickly as desired, until orgasm and ejaculation ensue. Having deposited one’s semen into the interior of the Pocket Pussy, one can either enjoy it as a snack or wash it out, using bacterial soap and warm water. (Be thorough, as in any other matter of personal or, in this case, Pocket Pussy, hygiene.) Although it can be stored and transported in one’s pocket (hence, its name), the Pocket Pussy can also be displayed on a shelf, among others of its kind, as a display both of one’s sexual prowess and as a trophy of a specific sexual conquest. Although, to date, laws prohibit the stuffing and mounting of actual pussies as trophies, no such ban applies to the Pocket Pussy. This wonderful invention can do much to improve and maintain the morale of our fighting men (and, in some cases, our fighting women) as well, and generous and patriotic men and women should consider sending a few gross of them to servicemen and women in such God-forsaken places as Afghanistan, Iraq, South Korea, Germany, Okinawa, Area 51, and other overseas battlefields and military installations. The Pocket Pussy’s portability makes it possible for troops to enjoy a little sex even between firefights. Lubricant is probably not necessary, as troops have ready access to oil, grease, and other such fluids, and, during basic training, grunts are taught to “improvise” as a matter of course. Some lesbians have been known to carry the Pocket Pussy in their purses. (Perhaps, in such cases, the device should be considered a Purse Pussy.) They sometimes perform cunnilingus on the “business end” of the artificial cunt, but, just as often, they insert the handle portion of the invention into their own twats, using the Pocket Pussy as a surrogate phallus, which, even without reflection, is an odd practice, to say the least, although the thought of a woman fucking herself with a dick-shaped object that’s equipped with a pussy instead of a glans is sort of exciting and may, in itself, occasion the use of a Pocket Pussy by the man (or woman) who entertains such a vision. In some instances, male-to-female transsexuals have also opted for a Pocket Pussy in lieu of sex-reassignment surgery. Such individuals say that, “in a dark room, with a man who’s more than a little drunk,” it’s almost impossible for dates to detect that the cunt in use is artificial rather than real, provided that the employer straps it properly in place. Duct tape is recommended for this purpose, and shemales often carry this material in their purses, alongside the Pocket Pussy itself. To stimulate natural vaginal lubrication, veterans suggest that the device be filled with tepid water or warm baby oil, and a drop of “pig’s blood” can, they claim, create the illusion that one is--or was--a virgin. Like everything else in the world, most Pocket Pussies are made in China. Those that are made elsewhere are manufactured in either Taiwan (another name for China), Japan, or South Korea, although there is no truth to the racist and insensitive rumor that Pocket Pussies made in these nations have “slanted” labia. And, finally, fear not: the Pocket Pussy is shipped in a plain brown wrapper so that everyone who sees you with it, even unwrapped, will know it’s something naughty. Next: Inflatable Sex Dolls The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 07 It's not easy being a man. Being a man means being horny, pretty much all the time. Five minutes after having great sex, a man is horny again. A woman, on the other hand, is good for the rest of the year (and, in some cases, possibly for the rest of her life). Since women are seldom available, even if a man happens to be married to one, instead of just dating a chick or looking for one to date and/or marry, men are lucky that companies like Real Dolls have manufactured women--and even shemales--for them. Sex dolls look like women (even the shemale versions, except for their cocks and balls, of course), with long hair; doe eyes with thick lashes; dainty noses; full, sensuous lips; delicate jaws and chins; high cheekbones; breasts that are fuller, more nearly round, firmer, and higher than any real woman's tits are likely to be, if she's out of her teens; long, shapely legs; a tender, if not juicy, cunt; and a firm, sleek ass. What's missing--brains; emotions; guts, including larynx and lungs; and, possibly, a soul--are negligible at best. A sex doll, by omitting more than it includes in the way of a woman's charms, is a definite improvement over the artifact created by Mother Nature, as man-made women have been since the days of Pygmalion's Galatea. They don't talk back (in fact, they don't talk at all), they don't want anything, they are naked and accessible at all times, and they don't need time to eat, drink, or tend to bodily functions. When they're not needed, they can be stored in the closet, in a trunk, or under the bed. Your wife, mistress, or girlfriend would surely object to such treatment, possibly even to the cops, and you could end up in jail, with Bubba the Butt Buster as your cellmate. You don't have those worries with inflatable or solid-silicone sex dolls, though--and, when they ride shotgun, they grant you access to the carpool lane. Best of all, they don't care about being "pleased," so foreplay isn't an issue. Not all sex dolls are created equally, and, as with most things, you get what you pay for. Most of them, though, even the cheaper chippies, can perform anal, oral, and vaginal sex or, at least, such sexual acts can be performed upon them. Even the more excitable among them (that is, those which are equipped with vibrators) tend to be relatively passive, which, although, more often than not, is a good thing, can be a bit of a bummer at times. For example, when spanking your sex doll, a little whimpering and a few sobs, interspersed among her moans and groans, would be nice. However, you can remedy this problem easily enough by purchasing a Halloween sound effects tape. For orgasmic moans, simply crank up a tape of a porn actress acting as if she's in the throes of the big "O" and play it at the appropriate moment. The more expensive dolls are more lifelike, which, depending upon one's experiences with women, may or may not be a good thing. The high-dollar dolls have realistic facial features and their "skin," which is usually latex filled with silicone gel, looks and feels authentic. Their eyes are large and lustrous, and every artificial hair on their heads, including their eyelashes, like any body hair one orders (for example, on the pubic mound) is inserted, individual strand by individual strand, so that the effect is far superior to even the costliest wig. Stippling (light poking with a stylus) even creates the effect of pores, if desired, and, for some models, freckles are an option. Their tits are as fine as any transsexual's, actress' or supermodel's fake boobs; their cunts are tender and soft; and their asses are firm but bouncy, the anuses small and tight, but, like the real thing, amazing elastic. Fucking one of the more expensive dolls is superior to fucking even the youngest and freshest streetwalker and, in most cases, is better than having sex with the highest-priced call girl. In fact, sex with even the cheapest sex doll is apt to be better than even the wildest acts your wife, mistress, or girlfriend is willing to perform when drunk or after receiving a five-carat diamond or other token of your affection--with the added benefit that a sex doll doesn't need any such tokens. The cheaper dolls aren't all that aesthetic--or even human--looking. They're basically balloons with round depressions for mouths, cunts, and assholes. They're about as attractive as your mother. Still, they are undemanding, silent, and passive. They will accept you not only for who you are, but also for what you are, suffering you to do whatever you please, as often as you like, for as long as you can hold out. The cheaper dolls are airheads--literally. A valve in a "discreet location" allows them to be inflated by means of mouth-to-valve resuscitation. If one is in a hurry to get his or her rocks off, an air pump can be substituted for a blowjob. Be advised, though, not to become too attached to the cheaper models, as they tend to come apart at the seams following rough sex. Another drawback for guys who may enjoy a hand job once in a while: the cheaper girls don't have fingers, just mitten-like flippers. Typically, the cheaper dolls are not as attractive as the more expensive models, looking like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, or Paris Hilton facing down the paparazzi. If enough of them are purchased, they can be arranged in a "daisy pattern," to simulate an orgy in progress. The more expensive models, made of silicone-filled latex, are about half the weight of Pamela Anderson, have hands and an articulated, flexible steel backbone to make sexual positioning easy. The costlier dolls resemble Anderson, Angelina Jolie, and Janet Jackson's late sister Michael. If female or shemale sex dolls aren't what you're after (maybe you're a member of PETA), fear not. The dolls are also available in the form of certain barnyard animals, such as cows and sheep. Sex dolls are experienced actresses, having appeared in such television series and motion pictures as The Jerry Springer Show, Ally McBeal, Boston Legal, Nip/Tuck, Married. . . with Children, Jackass: The Movie, Family Guy's "The Perfect Castaway" episode, Lars and the Real Girl, Pushing Daisies, The Office, JAG, Red Dwarf's "Queeg" episode, Harper's Island, and She's All That. There's no place she'd rather be, though, than by your side. Next: Edible Panties The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 08 Okay, guys (and gals), forget the peanuts, the pretzels, the candy bars, and the ice cream. Don't worry about jellybeans, licorice sticks, or potato chips. (You may want to put in a supply of breath mints, though.) Something better is available, something much better: the incredible, edible ladies' underwear! Available in vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, peach, and raspberry, edible panties are delicious, before, during, or after sex or, for that matter, as a sex substitute. They also make a good gag gift, because they often make the receiver retch, although some men and a lot of lesbian women enjoy this fruity snack item. Made of flavored gelatin, which is made, in turn, from the collagen derived from animals' skin and bones, edible panties are as excellent a source of protein as semen--better, in fact, because there's more of it (and it's flavored). A bonus is that such underwear also exhibits viscoelastic flow and streaming birefringence! (Who could ask for anything more, right?) Edible panties melt in your mouth, not in your hand, and they're finger-licking good. Worldwide, gelatin production equals approximately 300,000 tons per year, most of which is used to make edible panties. Edible panties are not PETA friendly. Mostly, gelatin is produced from pork and beef byproducts--bones and hides, but not, as many people mistakenly believe, hooves and horns (these are saved to manufacture aphrodisiacs). When you're snacking upon milady's juicy panties, you're really chowing down on pigskin and beef jerky of a sort, but who cares? You'd be eating the same stuff if you were snacking on yogurt, gummy candies, marshmallow treats, or gelatin desserts. (Orthodox Jews should ensure that the edible panties they purchase for wear or consumption are made of beef, seaweed, carageenan, pectin, or koneke, so as not to offend Yahweh. However, they should be aware that gelatin produced from degraded carageenan, known as poligeenan, is a suspected carcinogen and has been known to cause gastric and intestinal ulcers in rodents and monkeys.) No, edible panties are not sexist novelties, because there are also edible undies for men (actually, they're worn by men, it's actually women, presumably, who consume them--and gay guys.) For queers, Gay Apparel makes edible jockstraps. Talk about a gag gift! For women, a word of caution is in order. Yeast love sugar. If you're a female, instead of a shemale or a male, avoid wearing edible panties that contain sugar, because vaginal yeast infections are not fun. Likewise, when the panties are eaten, make sure the part that has been in contact with milady's asshole is discarded, because eating shit, even in small amounts, is never a good idea. Skinflints can make edible panties at home by boiling cartilaginous cuts of meat so that the gelatin dissolves in the water, producing a really, really gross-looking "broth" that forms into an even grosser jelly as it cools. The process is simple, but sickening: Remove impurities (hair, fats, salts) from the animal hide and bones. Boil the hide and bones. Filter, clarify, evaporate, sterilize, dry, rut, grind, sift, and blend the loathsome mass until it looks edible, adding your choice of flavoring. Some people find the thought of eating anything made from animal skin and bones unpalatable. (Most of them work for PETA.) However, if hamburgers and pork chops are considered proper foodstuff, and a guy or a gal isn't opposed to sucking cock or eating pussy, surely a pair of edible panties, or, for that matter, even an edible jockstrap, shouldn't cause undue revulsion. Besides, eating a little gelatin is pretty much inescapable. It's in gelatin desserts, trifles, aspic, marshmallows, jams, yogurts, cream cheese, margarine, apple juice, vinegar, beer, wine, pharmaceutical capsules, and even cosmetics, including hair gels. Edible panties come in a variety of styles, but G-strings, crotchless panties, and thongs are especially popular, perhaps because they are lowest in calories. Other, slightly less popular styles include bikinis, high-leg briefs, hipsters, V-strings, Brazilian-cuts, and hiphuggers. Many of these undies are designed to resemble lace, fishnet, and other sexy fabrics, and some come with ribbon candy ribbons or bon bon bows. Some edible panties are available with matching edible bras, for a real sugar rush, if the consumer doesn't mind the extra calories. Nothing says that one has to eat the entire pair of panties or both the bra and the panties in one sitting, so to speak, and some men and women opt to eat only the crotch of the panties, for example, and dietetic panties are available, although, as they are sugar free, some find them less satisfying than the real meal. Be careful when speaking in public about your gal's unmentionable munchies. Not everyone may be as enamored of the topic as you and your insignificant other are, and, under no circumstances should edible panties ever be used as a metaphor in an address to coworkers. What's sexy in the bedroom could be a matter of sexual harassment in the workplace, where everyone is looking for a way to get out of the rat race by settling for an "undisclosed amount," paid as a penalty for tit-for-that, or quid pro, quo harassment, and prostitutes have claimed that wearing edible panties or jockstraps creates a "hostile work environment." If you wouldn't talk to your mother about a topic--or even if you would--it's better not to bring it up at work, in a place of worship, or anywhere that children are present. (Bringing up the topic of edible panties in any Arab country is apt to result in summary decapitation; edible burqas are considered a safe topic, however, among female Kuwaitis, although I wouldn't press my luck, even among them.) The biggest occasions for the sale of edible panties are bachelorette parties, but fit-to-eat undies are also consumed at contests, and a pair or two make good Christmas stocking stuffers (except for Christian fundamentalists, perhaps) and gift basket fillers. If you look in your girlfriend's, mistress', or wife's closet, at the hundreds of outfits and thousands of pairs of shoes, and you realize that her dresser is overflowing with panties and bras and garter belts and corsets and all manner of other foundation garments and you're at a total loss as to what else on earth she could possibly ever need in the way of costume or clothing, remember that edible panties aren't about "need." They're about nutrition and taste and fun (or, for some, revulsion and retching). It's been said that every woman has a survival kit between her legs. Think of edible panties as the packaging for this kit. Bon appétite! Note: No livestock were injured or killed in the writing of this article. * Next: Cock Rings The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 09 Cock rings are simple, both in their purpose and their design. They're meant to keep a guy's cock hard, and they're designed so that, round, they slip down the column of the penile shaft. Seated, as it were, at the base of the dick, they choke the prick, restricting return blood flow, rather like a mild tourniquet, thereby keeping the virile member virile. Mostly, impotent and effeminate guys wear cock rings to make themselves seem more potent and less effeminate, even if it's only in their own eyes that they seem so. However, in the unlikely event that a chick's actually married to a guy who is impotent or effeminate, she'll probably humor him by pretending his cock ring's as valuable to her as the ring she wears (or hopes to wear on her finger someday). If she's between premenstrual syndrome attacks, she may even agree to put the damned thing on your stupid cock, you fucking asshole-prick! Although simple in purpose and design (reread paragraph one, if you missed this), the cock ring should be chosen with care and deliberation. There are a wide diversity of cocks, after all, in multicultural America. Black cocks are nothing like Caucasian varieties, and white pricks differ considerably from their Asian counterparts. Even among male appendages of the same racial or ethnic group, penises extend across a wide range of lengths, girths, and erectile densities. A ring that's the right tightness for a wee Korean or Chinese weenie might be unfit for a monster African-American prick. Skin tone is another consideration in selecting an appropriate cock ring. Since men, other than gay guys, are oblivious, by nature, to even the idea of complementary colors and don't get even the notion of color coordination, they're unlikely to know which color of cock ring goes best with a particular complexion. As a result, they're apt to make such fashion faux paus as picking out a yellow or gold ring for a saffron-colored Asian cock. Unless you know your summer colors from your winter hues, it's best to leave the choice of your cock ring's color to your girlfriend, your fag boyfriend, or a fashion-hip gay acquaintance who doesn't hate you. Cock rings are manufactured from a variety of materials, which further complicates one's selection of this not-so-simple "simple" device. Plastic is a favorite material, because it's sleek, simple, and, in its own way, elegant. It slides on easily, and it sits tight once it's in place, making a reliable tourniquet that can keep you or your man manly for hours at a time. (As in the case of the use of Viagra, should an erection persist for more than four hours, thank your lucky stars! Seriously, if worn too tightly or for more than 30 minutes, a cock ring can cause gangrene and require penile amputation, so be real.) Other materials include leather, rubber, and silicone. Leather is a favorite among leathermen, but women with breast implants prefer silicone cock rings, considering them to be a first-aid kit, as it were, should one of their tits spring a leak. Loathe to admit that they consider their cock rings to be a sort of bracelet for the penis and pretending to abhor the wearing of jewelry by men, guys make up all kinds of excuses for wearing these devices. Some claim that they suffer from erectile dysfunction or erectile hyperfunction. Metrosexual men and queers, however, are more honest and direct, declaring that they consider their cock rings to be fashion statements. In addition, one gay guy said that his rings "do double duty as pacifiers," which are all the rage among adult babies and similar perverts. To prove their devotion to their lovers, heterosexual men sometimes purchase cock rings that are equipped protruding clit-flickers. As with any invention that's been on the market for more than a second or two, a whole horde of inventors have rushed forward with "improvements" to the cock ring, hoping to cash in on the device by having made slight modifications to its original design that no will want. Ergo, cock rings are now equipped with buzzing vibrators; removable "bullet vibrators" to stimulate the testicles, vagina, or anus; and valves through which inflatable rings can be expanded or deflated. It is thought that the use of an inflatable cock ring led to the most recent death of Michael Jackson--or maybe it was David Carradine, who played a grasshopper in the TV series Hung For You. For men for whom it's more, not bigger, that matters, the triple cock ring has additional rings with which to restrain the testicles, should they become unruly during foreplay. Some panties for men include built-in cock rings through which your pansy playmate may slip his weenie before making whoopee. Pain, discomfort, or coldness in the cock or balls are warning signs that mean you've left your cock ring on too long and, most likely, will suffer a heart attack, a stroke, diabetes, rheumatism, arthritis, and/or the heartbreak of psoriasis. For this reason, cock rings shouldn't be worn if you're a male, a male-to female transsexual, or a female-to-male freak, and inflatable cock rings should never be filled beyond a pressure of 32 pounds per square inch, or psi. Another warning (makes you wonder if the damned things are worth the bother): the plain round kind, especially if they are brightly colored, can look like a popular candy, so, for blondes, they could pose a choking hazard if ingested. Cock rings can double as fine buttons, acceptable grommets, serviceable washers, handy slugs for parking meter and vending machine violations, and, should the groom lose his bride's wedding ring, the cock ring can make a passable substitute and has the added bonus of letting the rest of the wedding party know just how kinky a couple are getting hitched before their eyes. In short, if you're a guy and you want to feel a little cockier, wear a cock ring. Next: Penis-shaped Lipsticks The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 10 In a bar, it's better than any pickup line a girl could use. Just remove the tube from your purse, rotate the screw at the bottom, and up pops a miniature, circumcised erection in the color of your choice, thereby advertising your willingness to provide more than stimulating talk to your lover! (Tip: although penis-shaped lipsticks can be purchased by either sex, they don't work as well for male users as they do for women, unless the local watering hole happens to be a gay bar). Tip: Ladies, it helps immensely if, while you're applying the lipstick, you smile flirtatiously at your intended, because there's nothing more exciting to a man than to have a woman smile and make eye contact with him while she's sucking his cock, and, although the lipstick isn't his dick per se, in his mind (if nowhere else), it's certainly a stand-in for his prick. Also be advised that, as tempting as it may be to take the lipstick between your lips, into your mouth, or to lick it as if it were a lollipop, it's best not to do so, for, although undeniably sexy, to both straight and gay guys, such actions are apt to reduce the volume of your lipstick at a much more rapid pace than would otherwise likely be the case, and penis-shaped lipsticks aren't exactly cheap. Fashion-conscious women will want to coordinate the color of their lipstick with that of their fingernails. Since you will be holding the lipstick, the color of your nails should match or accentuate the color of the cosmetic phallus. The colors need not be of the same hue (although light-pink nails look pretty, matched with a darker pink lipstick): contrasting colors or complementary colors can work just as well as a monochromatic scheme. Tip: In general, according to the blue-yellow-red color wheel, orange complements blue, yellow-orange complements blue-violet, yellow complements violet, yellow-green complements red-violet, green complements red, and blue-green complements red-orange. It's kind of complicated. If in doubt, refer to an artist's color wheel or ask your beautician. Tip: The color of the tube is important, too. You don't want it to distract from the color of your penis. If your lipstick is red, a purple or dark blue tube is not your best choice. For the same reason, an overly ornate tube, glittering with sequins or diamonds, for example, although lovely, is likely to draw attention away from the all-important penis shape, so be cautious about decorations, too. Again, if you're not sure of your best option, refer to an artist's color wheel or check with your cosmetician. Like the real deal, penis-shaped lipstick comes in a variety of colorful colors, including Flaming Faggot Red, Pussy Pink, Oral Orchid, Labial Lavender (popular among girly boys), Purple Tits (for BDSM enthusiasts), and Cadaverous Gray (for girls who like a little necrophilia in their sex lives), so there's a color to match every outfit, every lifestyle, and, more importantly, every nail color. For kinkier ladies, some suppliers offer a penis-shaped lipstick that was popular with Cleopatra. Made from crushed carmine beetles, this PETA-unfriendly gloss imparts a deep red color to the lips, which can be enhanced by adding the shimmer of powdered fish scales, an effect, known in the business, as pearlescence (although no actual pearls are involved in the essence). To encourage kissing (as if, with pretty girls and girly boys, encouragement were needed), many colors are associated with flavors: Flaming Faggot Red with cherry, Pussy Pink with strawberry, and Cadaverous Gray with rotten flesh, for example. Before England's Queen Elizabeth I's 16th-century reign, lipstick, like other cosmetics, were reserved, in Europe, for prostitutes, for which reason Elizabeth I is referred to as "the queen of harlots." After World War II, when millions of women began to wear lipstick, it lost the glamour that it had had when only whores and Queen Elizabeth I had dared to wear the stuff, and its use was regarded as merely proletarian. Men--mostly actors and homos--occasionally wear lipstick as well, but the cosmetic item tends to remain associated predominantly with the gentler sex, presumably because, according to some scientists (those who are hornier than their colleagues), the lips are supposed to be natural mimics of the labia, just as the buttocks are supposed to mimic the breasts. In men, these same scientists (or the bisexual among them, at any rate), claim that, in a similar vein, the human proboscis mimics the penis. Nevertheless, as of this writing, no man is known to paint his nose unless he is a clown or the late Michael Jackson. Normally, women are advised to pick a lipstick color that matches the natural shade of their labia; however, in selecting penis-shaped lipsticks, they are advised, instead, to select a lipstick that resembles, as closely as possible, the sex organ that it is meant to "mimic." Tip: A flaccid penis tends to be less vivid than livid, whereas the erect cock tends to be more livid than vivid, so colors which range somewhere between these two extremes make good choices, and, as with penises, a lipstick that exhibits a light shine is better during the day, whereas a bolder, glossier sheen is better at night. Bear in mind, though, that penises, whether soft of hard, come in a variety of colors, including Carefree Coffee, Turgid Toffee, Cinnamon Cum, Mahogany Monkey, Saffron Stiffy, Gotta Go Gold, Passionate Pink, Plum Wild Purple, and Ravish Me Red. When applied correctly, the lipstick should shine with just enough luster to suggest the presence of a thin film of semen, as if the lips have recently been in contact with an ejaculating cock. What should a lady do, once she has, with the help of her penis-shaped lipstick, laid her Prince Charming? Keep it. The bastard may not turn out to be Mr. Right, after all. If he does turn out to be a dreamboat instead of a dream, you can always pitch the lipstick later or, even better, give it to your friend or little sister. Maybe she wants to get laid, too. Before long, just like you, she'll be blowing kisses, too--or something else. * Next: There is no "next," dimwit! This is the tenth installment in a ten-installment series. Duh! You should be reading the For Dummies or Idiot's Guide version of this topic. No wonder you think your six-incher's a foot-long dong.