5 comments/ 12301 views/ 2 favorites The Trouble with Sex By: cracker_jack Hey everyone! Tonight, I'm going to be spending a good bit of time talking about baby-making activities because my sister just had a baby. She called me up the other day and said, "Sean, I had a baby!" Had. As in past tense. As in there was a baby, but there is not a baby anymore. She tells me, "I had a baby!" Oh really? What happened to it? Did you lose it? Were you playing poker and threw it into the pot on a pair of tens? No, you HAVE a baby. What you HAD was a big belly and an excuse to wake your husband up at 2:00 am to go shopping for pickles. Those days are gone. So yeah. I'm going to be talking about sex, which is a big step for me. I've always been really uptight about sex. I didn't tell my girlfriend that we'd be doing it for a month afterward. I wasn't looking forward to that conversation. That'd just be awkward. Lucky for me, she's a pretty clever cookie and she figured it out already. I was like, "baby-" She took my hand and said, "I know..." We've been together for a while, but I'm still a little uptight. That's why I like to have sex in the dark. It takes the pressure off. If I screw up, I can just blame someone else. I'll be going to breakfast in the morning and she says, "Well if it isn't Paul Revere and the Minute Men." I'm like, "Hey, you can't prove that was me. The lights were off! That could have been anybody in there!" But we've been having sex for over a year now and we're running out of ideas, you know? We've tried every position we can think of, we've looked in books for ideas, we checked out the kama sutra 'til we realized you've gotta be on the freakin' space station to pull off that crap. So we're always looking for new exciting things. The other night she comes in and says she wanted to try a little domination. I'm like, "Sure. We'll start in Chechnia, take over the rest of the Balkans and if that goes well, we'll move into western Europe." She's like, "No, I mean like Domination-Submission." I said, "Screw it, we'll start in France then." So a lot of people are experimenting with alternate sexualities to find that spark of something new and exciting. We've got straight people, gay people, greedy people, Bi-curious, bisexuals, trisexuals, metrosexuals. If I'm not mistaken, metrosexual means one who has sex with cities. Debbie already did Dallas back in the seventies. Do we really need to go there again? Another big idea that kinda spins from that is the threesome, because you've got three people and only two genders. Someone has to be the odd man out. Actually, they say the number one mail fantasy is to have a threesome with gorgeous twins. They're like, "Hell yeah, man! It's like having sex with two of the same chick only I don't gotta drink a lotta beer first!" Personally, I think that's disgusting. Come on, man. They're sisters. That's sick. The last thing I want in my sex life is for my girlfriend to say, "Sean, I want you naked in my bedroom now. And bring your dad." Some people try to find excitement by playing sex games. They put the word "strip" in front of everything to make it thrilling. Strip poker. Strip blackjack. In the movie "Heathers," they played strip croquet. But that doesn't work for all games. Strip Golf? I don't want to see an 60 year old CEOs saying, "Well Bob, that was a double bogey on that last whole. Time to lose your polo shirt!" Strip monopoly could be fun if it didn't take you days just to lose your shoe. A lot of people just end up resorting to porn for their excitement. It lets them do exciting things vicariously and they don't have to bring any strangers or farm animals into the bedroom. What gets me though is that we've got 24 hour porn shops now. Do we really need this, folks? Do we really have a lot of people sleeping soundly and then they wake up in the middle of the night, "I NEED LESBIANS NOW!" "Midgets! I need Asian midgets!" I don't think so. My guess is that everyone is thinking, "If I go do my porn shopping at three a.m., everyone I know will be asleep. No one will see me." Except that everyone you know is having that same thought. You walk in and it's like an episode of 'This is your Life' in there. You're like, "Dad? I uh... just- came in to use the bathroom. No! The phone! I came to use the phone!" "Aunt Mildred?" "Father Callahan... What do you have there? Yeah, I thought Naughty Nuns 9 was much better than seven and eight too." Ideally, you'll find yourself a really kinky girlfriend. That way, she'll come up with all of this wild crazy exciting stuff you can do without having to resort to outside help. The only problem is that women who are wild and crazy and kinky in bed tend to be wild and crazy out of bed too. After a while, she's start going nuts in the real world. You'll just be standing there, and she'll scream out, "I wanna fuck your brains out right here, and right now!" You're like, "Baby... we're in church... I'm giving the sermon." So you're in a tricky situation. On the one hand, you don't want to keep her around because she's really creepy. On the other hand, if you break up with her, she'll probably cut your breaks on your car. I've found a solution to this problem. I think up all the stuff I've been meaning to have done around the house and start talking like it's the last thing I want. "Yeah, I've decided that since I can't get rid of these roaches, I'll just make them my pets. That one's binky. That one's fred. By the way, we're over." She's like, "The hell we are!" She starts smashing the roaches, "Well now he's over!" You're like, "Not Binky! Fred! George!" But to keep her going you gotta keep having names for them so you start scraping the bottom of the barrel for names. "No! Amber-...schweitzer! Juliet 2: Electric Bugaloo!" But to you guys in the audience who find yourselves in one of these relationships, I say "Get out, it's not too late." You may say that it's too hard finding someone. The dating scene has changed so much since you were in a relationship and I say that's bull. The dating scene hasn't changed for men in two million years. We still do the same thing as Neanderthals. You find a nice club, find a girl you like, get her smashed, and take her home. Thank you. Good night everyone! The Trouble with Snow Days When Kara Daniels was growing up, she would pray every winter for a blinding blizzard that would dump a whole mountain of snow on the entire town and make them cancel school. That way she could stay home and do whatever SHE wanted to do for a change instead of what her parents, her teachers and everyone else wanted her to do. Sometimes the snowfall would be lighter than expected and school would only be delayed a couple of hours instead of completely cancelled. Other times, though, an almost mystical precipitation would cover her world with pristine whiteness that stayed and stayed for long, cold sunlit days. Of course, that was the trouble with snow days. One never really knew how many inches to expect. Some things never change. "So let me get this straight," John Richman mused slowly into the phone. "You want ME, your platonic friend, your buddy, your pal...to go out on this...'date' with you?" "Well," said Kara, "yeah. Like I said, I guess you could call it a date." "Whoa! Slow down now, Curly. Let's get our terms straight here, okay? 'Member me? I'm the guy you call when you have trouble with other guys. I'm the guy you call to fix your toilet. I'm the guy you call to help carry your groceries and paint your ceiling. I'm the guy you always said you could never actually date because I'm too damned important to you as a friend." "Okay! Fine! Whatever, dude! Forget it! Look, I just thought that I could maybe count on my closest male friend to be my escort to this stupid fuckin' business dinner with the big boss from Chicago..." "Date!" he corrected. "You distinctly said 'date,' not escort." "Fuck you! Just never mind, okay? It's not like I really need to impress Boggs anyway. I could still walk right into that promotion next month. Yeah, right." "Well what happened to Keith?" he asked. "Keith? Keith...? Oh that would be the-asshole-who-never-returned-my- Buffy--box-sets-and-stopped-taking-my-calls Keith." "I see. That's still goin' on, huh? Well, all righty, then. What about Roger? Good old Roger! You never ever have a bad word to say about Roger!" "True...but his wife probably does. She called him on his cell phone last week just as we were right in the middle of..." "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! TMI! I got it. Let me just cross Roger off my list here." "You actually keep a list of my guys?" she asked rather indignantly. "It's called a figure of speech, dear. I was kidding." "Well, dammit, John, stop screwin' around! Do you NOT want to go out with me? Would it be like some sort of torture or something? This is important to me! Are you gonna help me swing this promotion or not?" "Oh, come on. Seriously, you know I'm there for you. It's what I do. I JUST want to understand. Is this a real life 'date' date or just a..." "AARGH! I am SO hangin' up on you, asshole!" she said even as she clicked off, tossing her cordless phone across the room where it banged off the living room wall and landed on the couch. The whole idea of this business dinner with her boss, his wife and the big boss from Chicago had literally come up at almost the last minute and Kara had been stressing big time. She growled a bit after she tossed the phone but hurried to grab it when it rang again a minute later as she knew it would. "What?" she answered curtly. "Well...uhh..." "Make it good!" "What time?" inquired John. "Eight o'clock tomorrow night. I need you to pick me up here at my apartment." "You got it." "Thank you," she said with a returning warmth and a loud sigh. "Why did that have to be so hard?" Overnight, the weather conditions in the city changed. Temperatures fell from an unseasonable 60 to near zero and as Saturday evening approached, it was getting even colder. The snow had started before the weekend dawn, big thick, fluffy snowman snow, falling so fast and hard that the few people braving the streets were virtually blinded. Drifts built up quickly and early on the local stations began urging everyone to stay indoors. For her part, Kara had spent that same frosty morning frantically trying on different combinations of clothes to get just the right look. She actually found it four separate times only to rip off the clothes in disgust after rethinking her decision. Nothing was right. In the afternoon, she had taken a long, leisurely, calming bath in an effort to convince her nerves that everything was going to be just fine. Her nerves went along with that theory long enough for her to fall fast asleep on her living room couch after putting on the very professional-looking navy blue suit she had finally chosen. Around six the phone rang, startling her into consciousness. It was her boss with the news that plans would have to be changed. After that, she tried and failed to get in touch with John who, as planned, finally arrived at her apartment door just before eight. As she jerked open the door, Kara was already saying, "You dumbass! I've been trying to get hold of you. How many times have I told you you need to get a cell pho..." Her eyes finally focussed in on her friend. "Oh my God," she said as she clutched her hands to her open mouth. "You look...you...look..." John smiled and spun a bit as if to model the look. He was wearing a perfectly fitting dark gray suit jacket with a matching shirt and an emerald green tie. She laughed into her hands as he finished showing off and handed her a bouquet of beautifully colored out of season flowers from behind his back. "I think they spraypaint these. Here ya go. I hope you like 'em." She took the flowers and clutched them to her chest. She nodded, near tears as she ushered him into her apartment and closed the door. "You know, if you hurry, maybe you can still get your deposit back," she said quietly as they stood at the entrance to her tiny kitchen. Kara absentmindedly started arranging the new flowers in a vase. "What deposit?" he asked as he stiffened up as if insulted, "This, my dear, is a suit, not a tux." "And your point?" "My point is that you rent tuxes, not suits. This happens to be my very own." "Oh, really? How come I've never seen it?" she asked. "Because the need for me to wear a suit doesn't really come up all that often in life and you don't, as a rule, tend to explore the back of my closet." "Well...there was that one time..," she said with a little smirk. "Stop that. Now why would I want to get my deposit back anyway?" "I thought you just said..." "I know, I know. I did. What I meant was why would I want to get my deposit back IF there was, in fact, a deposit to get back?" "Well, why don't you just say what you mean?" she responded, shaking her head. She looked down at the floor as she continued. "Dinner's off." "Okay. I guess that's a good reason. What the hell happened?" "Have you looked outside lately? This freakin' weather is even worse in Chicago. Bill called a little while ago to say that Mr. Boggs wouldn't be able to fly out before Monday at the earliest. Thus, dinner's off." "Oh, shit," he said softly. "I know! I know! My sentiments exactly! Two whole days of maximum level stress and worry and here we are all dressed up and nowhere to go." "Well, there's certainly no reason you and I couldn't still go out somewhere." "You know I hate to repeat myself but 'Have you looked outside lately?' Last I heard the radio was saying eight inches of snow already with more to come and the temps were expected to get down near twenty below tonight! That's TWENTY below ZERO! Places are closing early if they were open at all. Where the fuck could we go?" "All right. So we stay in and watch a movie. What's so different about that from all the other times we've done it?" he asked with an attempt at a reassuring smile on his face. "Oh, I don't know," she said waving her arms haphazardly toward her friend, "You're all dressed up for one thing." "Well, so are you, silly." "Yes, but I can change. I've got my entire wardrobe here, remember?" "Well, look," he said as he began unbuttoning, "I can take off the jacket if it makes you more comfortable. See? The tie comes off, too!" With that, he snapped the tie loose from his collar. "A clip-on?" she laughed as he stood holding it like a trophy. "You were gonna wear a fucking clip-on to my big meeting?" "Hey, I flunked boy scouts, okay? I couldn't tie a knot if my life depended on it. But see...it's just me, Kara. Same as always." Kara looked at her dear friend with a sincere appreciation for all that he had done for her, tonight and on so many other lonely nights. She started to say something deep, something heartfelt, something she had never really said to John before. Instead, she opened her mouth and heard herself say, "I'm hungry." "Ah, then with your kind permission, I shall cook for you, Miss. Show me to your frozen pizzas." "Ha, ha, ha! In the fridge, silly. I'm gonna change into something more comfortable, okay?" "Now the plot thickens!" he joked, raising his eyebrows. "Fuck you!" was her laughing response. "Cool! Something to look forward to!" "Kiss my ass!" she said laughing even harder now. "That, too can be arranged my dear!" he said with a leer. "Will you shut the fuck up with that shit? You know I hate that. I'll be back." With that, Kara closed the door to her bedroom. John began digging through her freezer. "You know," he spoke loud enough for her to hear, "I honestly believe we are living in the golden age of frozen pizzas. None of that cardboard crap like our grandparents had to eat for fun. Nuh-uh, buddy! We get the good stuff! Okay, here we go," he continued as he pulled out the biggest box in the freezer, "One super colossal pizza with everything!" "No tomatoes!" Kara called through the door. "You know I hate tomatoes!" "It COMES with tomatoes, okay? Deal!" "I cannot eat it with tomatoes!" came the response through the door. "Can't you pick 'em off for me, please?" " Fine. Fine. One super colossal pizza with everything except tomatoes!" "Oh, and no onions, either!" "Grrrr...!" was what she heard as she exited her bedroom. "Okay, okay. Onions are fine. Whatever." John looked at her admiringly. She had changed into a pair of baggy red drawstring sweat pants and a gray sweatshirt with a faded STAR WARS logo. Her hair was mussed up from pulling on the shirt and she hadn't bothered to put shoes back on. He suddenly and surprisingly felt himself stiffening in his tight dress pants as he looked at the single sexiest sight he'd ever seen. "So what do we want to watch, oh great pizza chef?" she asked in a mocking tone. "Pick something. You always make the most interesting choices." "Why, thank you," she said sincerely. "That's sweet." "Now I didn't say 'good,' I said 'interesting' but, hey...OWW!" In the middle of his flip comment, Kara had picked up the throw pillow from the couch and smacked him across the head with it fairly hard. "Maybe that'll teach you not to ruin a moment, loser!" she said only half kidding. "Oh, I doubt that. By my calculations, you've hit me with that pillow 74 times now in three years and yet here I am, still doing stuff that apparently makes you feel the need to smack me with it again." "Exactly! If you act like that around other girls, no wonder you hardly ever get laid. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You should just learn to be GOOD to women...me in particular since I'm the one with the pillow." "You know, that's funny," he tossed off quietly as he stood directly in front of her, "'cause I just keep hoping that eventually, you'll learn to be BAD to me." They stood just a breath apart at that moment and time inexplicably froze. Kara's eyes locked onto John's but her mind went suddenly blank. Just for a second, she thought she felt an unexpected but welcome itch between her legs. John tried to form a coherent thought but his mind felt swirly and confused as if the blood were rushing to another portion of his anatomy. A buzzer in the kitchen cut the tension as if cued by some cosmic referee. "It...uh...suddenly seems really hot in here," John stated flatly. "That's 'cause the oven's ready, dear." "Oh...Uh, yeah! Right. I'd better just...uh...go put the pizza in. I'll be right back." "Yeah. Okay. I'll find us a movie." Then she added loud enough for him to hear in the kitchen, "And don't forget to pick off the tomatoes!" "I can't do that when its frozen solid, Miss Particular; They chip. I'll get 'em when it's done. Besides," he added as he returned to the living room after inserting the pizza, "did you know that tomatoes used to be called 'love apples' and that they were considered to be a true aphrodisiac?" "No, I did not but that's all the more reason to pick 'em off," she said with a raised eyebrow. Kara then plopped down on the left side of her grandmother's ancient plush couch with John following her and plopping down on the right. As always, he left a suitable distance between the two of them. As she fiddled with various remotes, he asked her "What did you pick?" "I can't decide." "Aw, man! I was hoping for some good porn." "Wha...? I don't have any good porn, you jerk!" "Cool! BAD porn's even better! Hehehehehehe!" Kara picked up the pillow but this time her friend was expecting it, blocking his head with his arms in mock horror. Thus, seeing an opening, she whacked him in the crotch with her weapon of choice. "Oh, shit!" he offered in real surprise, "What the hell was that for?" As he winced in overexaggerated pain, she stomped her feet and giggled like a teenager. "Sorry! Sorry! I am SOOOO sorry!" she laughed. After they both calmed down a little, Kara took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry. It's just...For some reason, I guess I'm having trouble concentrating, y'know?" "All the stress and all?" "Well, yeah, but this all still feels kinda weird to me. No offense." "Oh, none taken," he reassured. "Good," was her response. Changing the subject quickly, she went on with, "Hey, let's just see what's on, okay? I mean, there's always a Gilligan's Island rerun on somewhere. Just nice, safe, totally brainless entertainment to get our minds off...err...the stress." "Works for me. I always loved that stupid show," John added with a sense of relief as Kara flipped the channels with a nervous speed. "Me, too. I always wanted to be Mary Ann," she said keeping her eye on the screen. "That's funny," said John, "I always wanted to be Ginger. HEY! Don't hit me! Oh, look, Iron Chef!" "It's NOT Gilligan!" "No, but it kept you from swatting me with that pillow again." She turned and looked at him with a fake scowl before going on with, "Hey. I have a question. Something I've always wondered about. If the Professor could build a satellite TV hookup out of palm trees and coconuts, how come he couldn't patch up the hole in their boat?" "Ah, the age old question! Just ask yourself what chance a boring scientist like that would have to even talk to a couple of babes like Mary Ann and Ginger in the real world, let alone..." Instead of finishing his sentence, her friend made a circle out of the fingers of his left hand and ran the stiffened index finger of his right back and forth through it. "They were NOT doing THAT!" she stated flatly as she dropped the remote down on the couch. "What are you talking about?" He explained, "All those years trapped on that island and you really think Mr. and Mrs. Howell were the only ones getting any? Geez!" "Well, okay, suppose the Professor was getting it on with both of the girls, where does that leave Gilligan and the Skipper, huh, smartass?" "HAH!" "What 'HAH?"' she asked, cocking her head at an angle to show she resented his attitude. "Everbody knows Gilligan and the Skipper were gay for each other!" he laughed. "Not 'everybody.' I'm 'everybody' and I never knew that." She glanced away and folded her arms across her chest. "Don't believe it either," she mumbled. After a minute she continued with, "I guess I always assumed Gilligan was sleeping with Mary Ann and maybe the Skipper was fooling around with Mrs. Howell." John and Kara both laughed at that one with Kara ending with a giant sigh. "This is not working, is it?" John asked. "Not really, no. You want to watch the weather reports?" she asked even as she lighted on the local weather channel. "...expected to end by morning with a total accumulation of 10-12 thick inches of the white stuff. I'll be honest with you, though, we really don't know how many inches to expect at this time. We haven't seen this kind of February around this area since the Blizzard of '77. WDKR reminds you that all non-emergency travel is prohibited as we are at Level..." Kara hit the mute button. "Ten to twelve inches. Geez!" "Sound interesting to ya?" John sneered even as he crossed his legs to hide his own bulging erection. "I know it's a stretch but could you be serious for just, like, half a second? I guess if you didn't live just a couple doors down you wouldn't have gotten here either. Hey, how come you didn't have a coat?" "Damn! I forgot! I stripped off the coat and boots out in the hallway. Figured I could pick 'em up when we left and then since we didn't go, I forgot all about 'em." Kara laughed as she rose and headed to the door. Opening it, she saw a big gray overcoat and snow boots seemingly melting onto the hall carpet just to the left of her entranceway. She dragged them in and tossed them in her bathtub. "MEN! UGH! You're all animals!" "Hey, what time is it?" he asked. "Well, the old clock on the bathroom wall said about 8:20 or so," she answered. "Got somewhere to go?" "No, silly. Just watchin' the time on the pizza. Should be done in a few. I'm getting hungry now just smelling it." He sniffed the air and his friend followed suit. "Yeah...I put off eating all day 'cause I was so nervous." "I know what you mean," was his comment. "Really? Well, what do YOU mean? Why were you nervous? It's MY promotion on the line." " Well," he stammered, "I just...I mean...Look, you know! This was like...gonna be our first real date and I wanted it to be kinda special. Memorable, y'know?" "Oh, it's memorable all right," she droned dejectedly. " Snowed in on Main Street." "Come on! You understand what I'm trying to say, don't you?" He looked her straight in the eyes and waited for a response. Soon enough, she lowered her defenses just a little. "I...I...I guess I do. I mean, I was too wrapped up in worrying about Boggs to be all that nervous about ...well...US! When you think about it though..." "I know. I get it." "It's just that..." She looked him in the eye this time and the tension in the room was palpable. He couldn't stand it. "Hey," he said loudly in a less than subtle attempt at a subject change, "You remember the very first time we went out a few years ago right after you first moved in?" "Yeah...I think so. It was when we went to the RenFest in Glennbrook, right?" "That's it!" he verified. "You had been wanting to go and you didn't know anybody around here to go with..." "Plus I didn't have a car..." "Right," John continued nostalgically, "and then you..." He sniffed the air again. "Pizza?" she presumed. "No. I think it's you. My God, you smell just fucking incredible," he said dryly as he looked deeply into her dark green eyes. "John..." Suddenly John's attitude changed as he wondered if he'd gone too far. "Kara, I'm sorry," he mumbled quickly, shaking his entire body as if trying to shake off a momentary possession. "This is too...I mean I don't wanna..." All the while, Kara just stood blankly watching his face as he floundered around. Then she leaned in and quieted him with a quick, unexpected and noisy kiss on the lips. John reached his hand up to his cheek as if to help close his mouth which had fallen open in surprise. A smile began to rise on Kara's face but fate's sense of timing being what it is, that's when the oven alarm went off again. The Trouble with Snow Days "Maybe I'd better just go," said John over the buzzing. Kara's mouth fell open this time. "Yeah, like maybe you'd better just go and get the pizza before it burns, you idiot." "Look, maybe you really haven't noticed but I am standing in front of you with a raging hard-on in my pants. You look hot as hell in that outfit, you smell awesome and...well, you kissed me. If I stay here alone with you much longer I'm afraid I might say or even do something that will get me into trouble, okay? How's that for honesty in a relationship?" When he had said the word, Kara's eyes shifted immediately to his crotch, an area she had almost consciously avoided with John up until that moment. What she saw amazed her. She found herself remembering the words of the weather forecaster on TV, "...10-12 thick inches..." "I promise I won't be like this again," he stammered as he headed toward the bathroom for his coat. "Look, I..." Kara interrupted with a very loud, "PIZZA! Burning! Get in that kitchen before it's too late! Dammit! We'll eat and we'll talk about this but I am too freakin' hungry to be mad at you right now. I will GET there though if you keep acting like a wounded, lovesick jackass!" She waved her arms in nervous frustration. "Good pizza is better than good sex. I had a boss tell me that once." John stared at her not knowing quite the best way to react. "Like, NOW would be good! Go!" She pointed toward the kitchen. He rushed off and she soon heard the squeaky springs of the oven door jerked open quickly as she sank back into the couch, her hand on her forehead. Absentmindedly, she picked up the TV remote and began aimlessly cruising channels again. Her head was spinning. Feeling an enjoyable itch, Kara reached her left hand inside her pants and felt the nice moistness she had suspected. She allowed her index finger to do a couple of feelgood spins around the tiny wet bulb of her clit before pulling her hand out. Out of habit, she raised her finger to her face and sniffed. "Mmmmm..." came a soft moan. She DID smell good. She heard John putzing around in the kitchen and yelled, "What's taking so long? I may pass out from lack of food!" "Tomatoes, remember? I'm taking 'em off like Your Majesty requested." "Oh, that's right," she said sweetly. "You are such a dear! HURRY, please!" After another minute, John returned with two paper plates, each with a neatly sliced triangle of steaming pizza. "Did it burn?" "No. Let's just say that some of the cheese is a little well-done but the crust is fine." "Good. If it had burned I'd have been mad at you," she said with a stern look. "Fine, fine. Not burned, though. It's okay. Calm down. What are we gonna watch?" "There's nothing on," she said clicking off the TV. "Can't we just talk?" John shook his head. "Dangerous." "I think I can handle the risk," Kara said as she finally took a long-awaited cheesy bite of pizza. "Look, John. I love ya, okay? You're one of the best friends I've ever had and you know it." "I know." He also bit into a geometric melange of meats, cheeses and sauce. " I never really thought about you...us as...well..." "Why not? I'm human. If you cut me, I bleed, okay? Every time you tell me about this guy or that guy or...well, THOSE guys that one time, I just get so fucking jealous! I care about you. I REALLY care! Not like them. They're here and then they're gone. Seriously, why DON'T you think of me that way? What the hell is wrong with ME?" As he spoke, he waved the hand holding the slice of pizza for emphasis only to have a great splash of spicy red sauce drop right down onto the crotch of his pants. "Oh, shit!" he grumbled. "Ohmigod! Those are expensive pants!" Kara yelled as she jumped up and ran to get paper towels. "It's okay! It's okay," John sighed, " just more proof that this whole evening isn't working out on so many levels, y'know?" Kara quickly returned with a whole role of paper towels and sat down next to John. Without thinking, she found herself wiping at the sauce on his lap. His somewhat deflated erection began to grow again. They both could feel it. "Oh..." she said glancing up sheepishly at him. "Look, I'm sorry," he said, "You do this to me all the time. I don't really have any control over it, okay?" Their faces just inches apart, he couldn't resist. This time it was John who leaned in and kissed Kara. He pressed tightly against her lips and she did not resist. After a moment, his tongue forced its way into her mouth where she sucked on it tightly, almost painfully. She finally broke the kiss with her head still spinning. Her breaths were short and punctuated her speech. "I think... you'd better... take off those pants, " she huffed as her eyes locked on his yet again. "I really don't think that would be a good idea. Seriously, it'll be okay. It'll come out in the wash. The pants aren't really that expensive anyway." "Who...who gives a fuck about how much they cost? I said take 'em off." Kara continued rubbing his manhood. She could now feel the shape and size of it through the fabric as it stretched to its full throbbing length. She kissed him again and rubbed her face against his. "Sweetie?" he asked, "Are you sure about this? I mean...I definitely want you and all but I don't want to risk our friendship. What if...?" Kara interrupted him by sticking her finger beneath his nose. The same finger that had been rubbing her juicy slit just minutes earlier. John sniffed and even though he'd never smelled her before, he recognized the deep sweet aroma of his greatest desire. On impulse, he snatched the finger into his mouth and sucked it, rolling his tongue around and around it trying to capture more and more of Kara's personal flavor. Kara closed her eyes. She moaned and slowly rubbed his lap with her other hand. John's own trembling hands slid up inside the baggy sweatshirt and found the warm softness of her braless breasts. As much as possible he tried to restrain himself from squeezing and kneading them. Instead, he lightly ran his palm along the sides of the welcoming flesh and allowed his thumbs to tickle the long pointed nipples he found at their centers. Letting her finger slip from his lips with a wet smack, he was almost unprepared when his friend quite suddenly forced her face back to his and pressed her thick, wet tongue to his own. He grasped her titties tighter now, squeezing for all he was worth as the very object of his nightly fantasies fumbled with his belt and zipper. In the back of her mind, Kara was kicking herself for somehow never considering John as a lover before now. This all seemed just so right. She could feel herself getting wetter by the second and all she could think about was becoming intimate with this man. "Honey, this is serious," John stopped her. "One more time, are we absolutely sure that we want to take this step? Some things you can't take back, y'know?" "Did anyone ever tell you that you talk too damn much? Besides me, I mean? Sweetie, I do NOT need one of your speeches right now! I think we both know what's gonna happen and unless YOU want to call it off for some stupid reason that I guarantee you'd regret later, I would appreciate a little help getting these pants off, okay? Now, shut UP!" With that, she stood and pulled the sweatshirt off over her head, revealing to her friend for the first time the beautiful, bouncy breasts he had been enjoying and the rosy pink nipples that were pointing directly at him. "Oh my God, you're beautiful," he praised as he undid his pants and slid them and his tightie whities down. Kara smiled at his words as she admired him taking off his shirt. He kicked his black leather shoes off and stepped completely out of his clothes. As he stood by the couch with his stiff cock pointing and waving at his friend, literally showing just how much she was turning him on, her eyes became riveted to it. She had always been secretly pleased that, without even trying, she could have the type of effect on men that would cause their cocks to grow and throb and desire her. As far as she was concerned, there was really no higher compliment and she always felt obliged to pay it back. "I want HIM," she said pointing playfully as she licked her lips, brushing her long, mussed up hair out of her face. John's dick wasn't really as long and thick as she had imagined earlier but that didn't matter one little bit as the reality of his oozing rod faced her. Stepping closer, her lips met his again, softer this time. At first. her hands instinctively clutched his cock, rubbing and pulling at it lovingly. She ran her palm over the tip and got it wet, then used that newfound lubrication to jerk him off rather noisily. John rejected a brief thought as to how many handjobs Kara must have given in the past to be this proficient at it so quickly. It didn't matter. It was his cock she was playing with now. It was him she wanted at that exact moment and no one else mattered at all. He forced her tongue back into her mouth with his own and her lips squeezed it tightly as he stretched it down toward her throat. The chill arctic wind outside blew so hard it rattled the windows of the small apartment like a banshee howling by in the night. This startled the pair long enough to break their embrace but Kara's nimble fingers continued to lightly pull at his flesh. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "What do you want, honey? Tell me what you like and I'll do it for you." "I want to please you, too," was his breathless reply. "Pleasing you does please me. Tell me." "Would you...?" He paused and looked down. "Would I what? Come on. This is your chance. It's finally your turn." She waited. "Would you go down on me?" "Don't ask me, John," she whispered breathlessly, "Tell me." "Go down on me, please." "Dammit! Don't say 'please!' Just tell me, okay?" "Alright! Alright! Suck my dick!" With that he pulled it out of her super soft grip and held it himself. Still wearing her sweat pants, Kara fell to her knees on the plush carpeting. She licked her deep red lips--still made up for the cancelled dinner--grinned up at her friend and took great pride in slowly taking a large portion of his throbbing member into her warm, wet and willing mouth. Kara breathed out deeply through her nose as she wet it all over with her saliva, savoring the sweaty, fleshy taste. For his part, John had never, ever felt a sensation that thrilled every single, solitary nerve in his whole body the way this did. His hands rested naturally on the back of Kara's head, enjoying the feeling of her long straight hair entwined in his fingers. Nor could the impact of the visual image being transmitted to his brain be denied. Kara was on her knees in front of him sliding her luscious lips up and down on his veiny, bulging cock. Her eyes were closed as if she were just so incredibly comfortable sucking him off. He was literally tingling from his nose to his toes. Kara actually loved giving blowjobs and her previous boyfriends and lovers had all considered themselves amazingly lucky when they discovered that little fact about her. Even though she was usually on her knees, she felt strongly in control of the situation when it was her mouth the guy's cock was in. She controlled the pace, the intensity and ultimately the outcome. If she simply wanted to get the guy hot, she knew just when to pull off and away and make the guy attack her immediately. When she was really into it, she would blissfully lick, suck and enjoy the taste of a dick all the way to its powerful, sticky climax. When it wasn't too overwhelming, she even swallowed and occasionally liked it! This was all something that John was only now learning about his friend. "Oh my God, Kara!" he managed to blurt out on an outward breath. His hands now held her head tightly. It had been quite a long time since John had been with a woman in any way so he knew this was not likely to take long at all. In his head, he tried to stretch it out by distancing himself, thinking about old nuns and dead dogs. Kara's talented lips wouldn't allow it, however, and easily brought him back to reality. Even with her mouth full, she laughed a little as she went for the kill. She pulled off just a sec and caught her breath. A trail of pre-cum clung between her glistening naughty smile and the smooth, dark purple head of his palpitating organ. She spit on the head for more lubrication, jerking it in earnest as she did so. Then Kara opened her luscious lips wide and slipped her friend's manhood easily all the way in. Her nose was tickling the hairs on his lower stomach and his tight balls were bouncing on her chin. His breathing was hard, almost as if he were hyperventilating. Little grunts began to punctuate the breaths. He unconsciously held her head to ensure his cock remained deep in her throat, not caring about her own breathing at that moment. Finally, she had to force it out of her mouth as she gasped for air. "Oh, SHIT!!" John yelled. As his dick slid out of the warmth of Kara's mouth and into the cool air his nuts involuntarily tightened and released their milky load all over her still made up face in four powerful bursts of cream. "Oh my God! I'm sorry, baby! I can't help it. Unnghh!" "I don't care! It's okay! Come for me, John! Come all over me! I don't care! Ohhhh, YES! Oh, that's a good boy! Oh! That is so HOT!" As it thinned out, she milked a few more drops out with her slim fingers, smiling up at John with the thick male liquid glinting on her pretty face. "Aww, John. Was all of that for me? Hahahaha!" "Oh, Kara. I am so sorry. I couldn't..." "Shush! It's all good. I wanted you to come. I just wish it could have all gone in my mouth, y'know? Less messy. I hate messes. Mmmmmm!" She wiped her finger around her face and pushed as much of his hot cream into her mouth as she could. "Deee-licious! How was I?" "How were you? Oh my...! I mean...Jeez! You were...indescribable!" "Oh, come on! You're a writer! Describe me. By the way, you're dribbling on my carpet." With that, she rose and grabbed a wad of paper towels from the roll she had brought in earlier and wiped her new lover's dick, then her own face. "Well, okay," John said, taking a deep breath in an attempt at getting oxygen back to his brain. He was still shaking all over and NOT from the cold. "You were...well...Awesome! Amazing! Draining! I mean...I have never in my entire fucking life...and I mean that literally...felt the kind of all over brain-exploding orgasm that I just experienced thanks to you and that cute little mouth I've fantasized about for so long!" "Seriously?" "Yes! It was incredible." "No, I mean seriously you've fantasized about that? About me going down on you?" "Well, yeah," he answered a bit guardedly, "I didn't exactly think I'd been hiding the fact that I wanted you." John had by this time plopped on the couch again, naked with all-over goosebumps and a semi-hard erection laying on his leg. The wind howled by outside again rattling the windows and sending a chill through the apartment. Kara plopped right next to John, her still naked breasts bouncing as she did so. She leaned up against his sweaty body lovingly, grabbed his hand and placed it the crotch of her sweatpants. "Okay, so we're being open here. It's a snow day. We really can't go anywhere until it melts We'll probably need to huddle together to keep warm as the temps fall, y'know?" She blew softly in his ear, then licked around the edge of it and whispered, "So tell me. What's your next fantasy, John?"