5 comments/ 12645 views/ 0 favorites The Case of the Missing Boyfriend By: GratefulFred © GratefulFred 2008. All characters are over the age of 18. The Case of the Missing Boyfriend Chapter 1 It was Valentines Day around ten thirty AM when Detective Carney stepped into his office. For some people it was a day off, but to a local detective, everyday was seemingly like a day off. Carney put down his three and one-quarter cup mug of coffee as his secretary brought him the normal pile of junk mail. It consisted mostly of overdue bills, a package of defective but heavily discounted penis enlargement pills and a vacuum sex instructional video from candidate Ron Paul. It was hard not to notice the fine curvature figures of his European secretary who spoke little English but was willing to work under the table due to the fact that she hadn't the proper US Work Visa and loved sucking cock from that cramped position. A knock came from the outer door as a bombshell of a babe entered looking for assistance. Carney figured she was in the thirty to thirty eight B-DDD range as she was escorted into his office. "My name is Ms.Read and I am in need of someone to follow my boyfriend," spoke the dame with the red lips. "Follow? 'fraid sloppy seconds is my middle name, Miss?" Carney responded as his eyes moved from one breast to the other. Ms.Read moved closer. "Detective, I am only interested in you finding Charlie, not fucking me. Though he's my boyfriend I haven't even fucked him. And please can you look in my eyes when I am talking to you and not my gorgeous breasts? Oops…nipple slip." Ms.Read, realizing the situation, hastily lowered part of her dress to allow her second nipple to get some air and make sure everything was symmetrical. She then got up. Carney heard some seductive words coming from some vocal devise above her pointy nipples. "Listen detective. My boyfriend will be performing at the opera tonight. Please find out what you can." Ms.Read dropped two opera tickets on the table and left. On the way out she accidentally bumped into Carney's secretary, grabbed a quick touch of her breast and left in a rush. Carney was on a case at last. Reaching down he pulled out a bottle of booze, which left him with less than a case. He glanced at the opera tickets and read the name of the famous opera. It was the American pirate of the Chinese original, "Phantom of the Cock Era." The opera was playing at the Stonewall Station Club at Ten PM. Being on a deadline, Carney glanced at his watch and then brought up a program on his computer that would calculate the number of times he would be able to masturbate and still make it to the show on time. Carney logged in, waited impatiently as the program crunched the numbers, inputting type of lotion, historical data, hand speed, hand strength, and many other factors into consideration, and finally came up with the precise answer – 0. "Damn it!" Carney asserted as his secretary came in, telling Carney in some foreign language gibberish that meant he had a phone call. Carney reached down to see if it was his probation officer. "Yo Carney my man. Were you just fooling with your Online Masturbation Calculator?" Shendude asked. "No way my telepathic buddy. Hey, almost forgot, aren't we going to have lunch at the Burger Brothel today?" Carney replied. "Absolutely. Remember it is Valentines Day so the place should be loaded. Listen there's this girl I met online who actually works there. Dig it. Her name is Lola." Carney faded into a quick daydream as he envisioned Lola, a ninety-pound geek girl. He was wearing his collectable 2007 Miami Dolphins linebacker outfit. Pulling down his pants, the geek girl is stared at Carney's monster cock. Lola opened her mouth wide as Carney visualized his gigantic cock, squeezing into Lola's stretched mouth and coming out through her left nostril with room to spare. Carney imagined blasting off two seconds later as cum shot out all over his chest. Carney smiled as he looked down at his monster cock, now out of Lola's mouth and covered in yummy buggers. Lola's milky green covered smile was one for the ages. Falling back into reality, Carney realized that Shendude hung up the phone. Carney glanced at his watch and realized he had some fifteen minutes to spare before going out on his lunch date. Suddenly the phone rang and from the caller ID Carney saw the initials "MJL". Thinking that it might be some new Male Justice League comic subscription, Carney decided to see about the new comic offer. "Detective Carney?" "Yes." "I understand you just had a visit from Ms.Read. Am I correct?" "Well your caller ID says MJL but if you want to be called 'Corry Ect' that's ok with me." "Huh? Listen Detective and listen good…" "My ears are fine Corry. Did you have some music you wanted to play me?" "No. I'm not going to play you any music…" "So why did you call Corry?" "My name's not Corry." "But you just said you were." "My name is not important. What is…" "Ok Knot M Portant…what did you want to speak to me about?" "Huh? What do you really know about Ms.Read?" "Do you mean like reading the sleep inducing Wall Street Journal instead of something of major importance like Penthouse Forum?" "No I mean the lady Ms.Read who just came in your office." "She just had some nipple slips. I'm not sure weather she had an orgasm. You can never tell with dames." "Listen detective. I am warning you to drop the case." "But if I drop the case that'll be messy." (Carney looks between his legs) "Well I guess I can't take any chances…" A metallic click came over the connection. "You could still take a community chest." "Detective will you look outside your office window at the building across from you." "Oh my god. That sick bastard." "No. The window not the mirror." "Oh you mean "The Window"? "Do you see me with my rifle aimed at your head?" "No. I see some Peeping Tom jerking off." "Damn it detective. Stop looking at that other mirror and just look outside." "Oh you mean outside. Why didn't you say so?" As Carney walked towards the window the telephone cord went taunt. Carney lost his footing as a result and in so doing, yanked the telephone cord and telephone off the desk. The telephone hit and loosened one of the mirrors. Carney reached to grab it as it fell. Getting up Carney wobbled to the open window with the mirror facing out. Carney heard a gunshot and felt a brush of air by his ear as he heard a scream from outside, "You blinded me you bastard!" Carney watched as a man with a rifle fell down, smashed a hole in the bus of the Minnesota Vikings football team, who were just humiliated by the Satan lead…I mean Bill Bilichick lead New England Patriots. Carney plugged the phone back in. No sooner did the phone get plugged in than the letters MJL showed up on the caller ID. Picking up the phone, Carney heard a different voice. "Hi this is Brutus the middle linebacker. I got your friend's cell phone here and since you were the last one he called, I figure we better let you know of our butt fucking intentions if you know what I am saying." "Saying? That's Knot Important." "Huh? I am sure your friend here doesn't think he's not important. So let me ask you one more time. Is it ok if we sodomize your pleading friend here on our long bitter journey back?" "That would be Corry Ect." "Thank you so much. BOYS! HUDDLE UP!" Carney heard some screaming as the phone clicked off. Looking at his watch he saw that he wasted too much time on that strange conversation. Shendude was no doubt on his way to the Burger Brothel. And with that Carney ventured outside, somewhat disappointed that he wasn't getting a free comic subscription. Chapter 2 Using the latest time warp technology, we look back in time about an hour. A few blocks away, Shendude is busy preparing for a new day at work. His "Sex Doll Consignment Shop" is the rave across most of the galaxy but seems to have a hard time gathering much respect on Earth. Nonetheless, Shendude, the true visionary businessman that he is, has high hopes for several of his other ventures such as his Online Masturbation Calculator website, even if the only paying customer thus far is his good friend Carney. Jimmy waits outside for the doors to open. He has a big bag over some object with legs hanging out. Two policemen stroll up behind Jimmy, looking suspiciously at the package. Jimmy grows a bit paranoid as the cops pull out their flashlights. Jimmy throws the sex doll to the ground and runs off. As he runs around the corner, the two cops share a good laugh with Shendude who has brought them some coffee. "Newbee?" one of the cops offers. Shendude slips the cops each a $20 bill. "Yeah. Already billed his credit card for the deposit." "So how was Sharon? Wasn't she great?" Sergeant Steve asks. Shendude breaks out in a big smile and guides the officers into his modest looking store. Behind the curtain, Shendude proudly shows off his production operation. In the very back he shows off one particular sex doll. "Well here's Sharon," Shendude says with a smile. "Wow! She really looks life like." Sergeant Gary comments as he feels up the sex doll. "And here's the rest of her," Shendude responds as some thick red chunky liquid bobbles in a thick glass tube over a furnace. Just below is semi-automatic bottle filler. Several ketchup bottles are along side on a conveyor belt. Sergeant Steve just remembers something. "My wife just loves your ketchup and has noticed it seems a bit spicy lately. New recipe?" Shendude points to several dolls with the names Maria, Teresa and Yolanda over them. "Think about it a second my good friends. We can have all the sex we want with no worries of catching a disease, having to deal with a woman complaining all the time about her figure, or the worst - asking to go shoe shopping," Shendude says as all three men shudder and grab at their hearts at that last dreadful thought. Shendude continues. "Ever since we overcame the robotic challenge of the pulsating pussy and wrap around tongue movements, the days of women's rein over this planet will soon be ending. Ha! Ha! Ha!" The police officers each grab two large folded up dolls and wish Shendude goodbye. They head back to their other job of directing traffic. Now alone, Shendude notices that Carney is on his website. He quickly changes a number from twelve hundred to zero, and then waits about thirty seconds to call his buddy. After he announces his lunch plans, he notices that Carney seems to be panting. Shendude, being way too busy, hangs up on his good friend. A moment later, a sophisticated radio wave device went off indicating an Alien was looking for some action. The universal translator gives us the English version of what was spoken. "Shendude!" screamed Xoxo over the PA system. "How can I help you General Xoxo?" Shendude responded, feeling somewhat frightened at that moment. "Concerning that last sex doll you sent me. You gave your word that she'd have no problem taking on my large penis. YOU LIED!!!" General Xoxo screamed as the store began to shake. Shendude grabbed a wireless headphone and headed down to the basement, speaking as he locked a steel door behind him. "General, I have told you more than once a 1 millimeter sized cock is more then adequate". Shendude had to lower the volume as he heard General Xoxo laugh. "Ha! Ha! You humor me Shendude. The day I count my penis size in millimeters and not nanometers is the day I start making some porno movies. Ok Shendude I won't fire my destructive ray and vaporize your planet today. Maybe tomorrow I will." "Well I'm sure Princess Babygrrl wouldn't want Earth blown to smithereens anyways," Shendude responded as he sent a quick email to Lola at the Burger Brothel. General Xoxo suddenly realized out loud, "Holy Upside Down Fuck! (Closest translation possible) I almost forgot Princess Babygrrl's orders. Apparently she's got the hots for this human lady named Ms.Read. We have already dispatched the most feared assassin in the galaxy, MJL, to make sure he kills her boyfriend or anyone who stands in our way. If Ms.Read mates with this Charlie guy, I can definitely promise you that Earth will be destroyed. Unless of course Led Zeppelin really starts a reunion tour, in which case we'll wait a bit. Shendude heard a loud "Pffft." over the interstellar communicator. "Ah shit I just farted. See you later human," General Xoxo said. Shendude went up from the basement, hung a "Gone to Lunch" sign on the door and left for the Burger Brothel to meet up with Carney for lunch and other things. While waiting outside he saw a giant mushroom cloud in the sky and noticed the air smelled really nasty. Chapter 3 Shortly after Detective Carney rushed out to meet Shendude for his lunch date at the Burger Brothel, Carney's secretary pulled out a glowing cell phone device. After pressing several symbols an eerie conversation took place. (Translated to Earth English) "This is Agent Darkbee reporting in." Several seconds pass before there is any response. "Who dares disturb the Almighty Zo in the middle of a sex act?" "This is Darkbee sir and if I wasn't on this damn boring planet I too would be having some sex right now." "Darkbee? We have so many agents stationed on Earth. Are you that escaped lunatic we believe is living on the beach in Tel Aviv?" "No sir. I was originally sent to cool Amsterdam. But after a bad poker hand I was forced to be in this boring ass USA country; stuck here sucking an insignificant Earth cock." Zo paused for a second. "How insignificant are we speaking?" "Let's just say they measure in inches," responded Darkbee as he lowered a catch between his legs. A large seven foot cock landed on the floor with a thump, causing the building to shake. "Gillygoogle! (Closest translation). No wonder our Evil Sorceress Princess Rydia, heir to the planet Transsexual and daughter of Riff-Raff and Magenta, wants to exterminate those Earthmen." "Shall I ever do the 'Time Warp' again?" "Before I answer that, I want to address the fact that you did contact us. So I take it you have news of Ms.Read?" "Oh yes. She has not had sex with Charlie yet, but she's planning to do so. I did put a tracer on her when we exchanged boob grabs." Zo seemed quite pleased. "Very good Darkbee. Princess Rydia has taken a fancy to that Ms.Read Earth woman, after hearing that Princess Babygrrl wanted her. It's a Princess thing so don't try and understand the matters of royalty." "Oh I forgot to mention, I am currently working for this Earth Detective, who's on this case." This seemed to make Zo a bit concerned. "The wheels are now in motion and we can't afford anyone interfering with our plans. I say you take out this Detective first since we have a tag on our chosen target." "I shall exterminate him at lunch at the Burger Brothel," Darkbee responded. "Do so and be careful if that dreaded MJL makes an appearance. Even when we do kidnap Ms.Read, I know that I'll take extreme pleasure in destroying that insignificant planet. Unless of course if there really is a Led Zeppelin reunion tour. Hey Hey Mamma…" ~-~-~ ~-~-~ The Burger Brothel had a slight waiting line of men who typically were looking over their shoulder when Carney showed up. Shendude arrived around the same time but there was no wait because, well, he is Shendude after all. A little history of the Burger Brothel is in order. Archeologists in the Judean desert accidentally stumbled on what is to be believed to be the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. The chief archeologist, who claimed to have escaped from another planet, found the remains of an ancient city some 20 years ago while hiking up a mountain pass one hot early morning. As fate would have it, a smoke cloud from a nearby hashish burning plant temporarily blinded him, causing him to make an ill advised left when common sense logic would have dictated a right. A right meant life and a left meant crash, bang, boom, ugh. As can be expected, the laws of gravity prevailed and in fact the result was a crash, a bang, a boom, and an "ugh" followed by a long "ahhhhhhh" as the archeologist fell inside a deep dark cave. While inside the cave, he discovered several hieroglyphic drawings of stick figures on various stones with signs of large cocks and tits. The fact that a few cell phone numbers were on the walls proved how advanced a civilization the ancient people were. Also worthy of mention was a picture of Carmen from South Park on the wall, which suggests that they may have even discovered time travel at best and good culture at the least. Several bones of a man and woman located on top of each other were also found in the cave, thus giving rise to the fact that this society was so far advanced that they had discovered a rude form of sex. Though the tourist venue failed miserably, a buyer was found in North America who brought (via ebay naturally) over the stones at considerable expense and used them in building the Burger Brothel. The fact that the building burned down two weeks after opening due to some ancient rocks knocking over the grease fryer pretty much mutes the story. Now the new rebuilt Burger Brothel is a true male fantasy. Built to please, naked women rub their shaved pussies over each 100% all beef patty as it works its way on an automatic conveyor belt towards the fryer, giving each burger it's distinctive flavor. The triangle vagina or cock shaped French fries are served with your choice of cum sauce, extra spicy cum or straight up naked cum or for a premium, virgin cum. The drinks are poured straight out of a nipple soda machine that appear and feel lifelike according to the inventor Shendude. The prices for different sex acts are stated in writing on the menu, although management has thought about doing away with a half blowjob special. "So Carney my man, any interesting clients?" Shendude asked as the waitress came over. "Yeah…" Carney responded as he felt the waitress grab at his cock. "You mind telling me who?" asked Shendude as he slipped the waitress a twenty. "I…ah…where am I?" Carney stuttered as his zipper came undone. "Have you seen this woman?" Shendude asked as he pulled out a picture. Carney was in the midst of a blowjob and was making a silly face. Shendude grabbed his friend and made sure he could get a good look at the picture. Carney suddenly tilted his head back and exclaimed, "I GOTTA FUCKING PEE!!!" and knocked the waitress over as he bee lined it to the restroom. While taking a whiz, he heard a sound from the next stall over. "Hey buddy want to suck my cock?" says a guy as a cock came through a glory hole. "No man suck mine please?" said another voice from the stall on the other side, followed by a visiting penis. A third voice, this one a he-she, came from behind the toilet. "I got tits and am allowed in the girls bathroom. So please suck my cock," as a third cock came into play. Suddenly a head bopped up from the toilet itself. "Dude, your piss is nasty. You should change your diet." As Carney zipped up his pants and opened the door, a guy with his pants down was jerking off in front of him. The guy had a sign on reading "Will give head for Booze and Cigarettes." "Damn homeless!" Carney exclaimed as he brushed by the man. Outside the restroom he heard several girls crying. He couldn't help but be brought into the conversation. "Oh Susan I do wish I could fuck her as a man but I am only a woman," said one of the girls. "Oh Charlie, don't worry. I am sure Ms.Read will love you for who you are," responded the other girl as the two locked lips. With a reassuring hand on her breasts Charlie proclaimed, "I will propose to her during the Opera tonight." The Case of the Missing Boyfriend "The truth about Charlie," thought Carney as he walked back to join his friend. Once he arrived back at the table, Shendude was missing. A gigantic eight hundred forty pound Jamaican girl walked up to him. "You must be Shendude," she said as she looked at the order form. "Hot dang! Lola's gonna be rich today." "No. My friend is Shendude not me," Carney plead as he felt an iron grip around his waist. He saw his friend hiding behind a skinny pole. "Shendude! Tell her who I am!" Carney screamed. As several people looked at Shendude, he looked over at Lola dragging Carney away and said, "Later Shendude good buddy." Carney was thrown upon a waterbed in one of the back rooms. He attempted to get up but a quick flip of Lola's hips and he was back down. Lola stripped off her clothes to reveal a pussy that went up to her neck, some four feet in length. The room was so small and there was very little room to get off the shaking waterbed. Carney had a frightened look on his face as the pussy lips opened and closed of their own accord. Lola laid down on one side of the waterbed and the resulting wave rapidly smashed Carney into the ceiling. As the wave subsided, Carney came back down somewhat stunned. Carney felt Lola's pussy rubbing against half his body. Suddenly, Carney's arm was trapped as the pussy lips sucked in more and more of Carney. Carney tried to flee but a giant arm held him down. Outside, Darkbee had entered the Burger Brothel and was searching around, armed with a laser rifle emblazoned with the letter Z. Panic began to break out in the Burger Brothel. At the same time, the assassin known as MJL walked in quite gingerly, still grabbing his ass. He had heard the commotion and pulled out his rifle. At the first sign of trouble, Shendude tried to make it out, but in the panic, some extra spicy cum sauce hit him in the eyes and he became temporarily blind. Everyone cleared out of the Burger Brothel save a blind Shendude as Darkbee checked the back rooms. She opened a door and saw Lola nude on the bed and smiled. "Finally a pussy worthy of my cock," Darkbee said. With a click his large cock hit the ground. Snake like it slowly rose, moving in the direction of the pussy. Carney, all scrunched up inside of Lola, saw the pussy lips start to part and a large cock move in his direction. Chapter 4 Most of the news stations in galaxy were tuned in to a special press conference with the members of Led Zeppelin. Robert Plant looked over at Jimmy Page when several reporters asked about a possible reunion. Jimmy had a smile on his face that quickly turned to a sour look. "Christ! What is that fuckin' smell?" Jimmy Page said as he looked over at Plant. "Did you plant one Plant?" Plants mood looked somber. "Fuck you Troll Zoso!" Plant responded, giving Page the finger. Plant dodged the neck of Page's guitar swing, but got hit with the second neck of the double necked guitar. John Paul and Bonham Jr. jump on Page who emitted a bone chilling sound. "You broke my middle finger you bastards!" Jimmy screamed, as the band broke apart. The news broke in to announce that a large smelly mushroom cloud had appeared at a high altitude directly above a certain Sex Doll Consignment Shop was to blame for the smell and police were checking to see if there was any connection. This news freed Robert Plant on bond from prison for fart crimes against humanity. The news also said that the fumes were of some unknown chemical origin and people should stay inside. Meanwhile, light years away, Princess Rydia called over to her chief of staff. "Princess Babygrrl and her pesky race of ingrown toenails have no doubt broken the truce with that stink bomb attack on Earth in order to disrupt the Led Zeppelin reunion. I order a full out assault. Assemble the Transvestites and bring me Babygrrl's pussy, wet or dry!" Princess Rydia proposed a strategy, "Well send the fleet to these coordinates and have them jump to the left." "The left?" asked one of her advisers. "Yes. And than a step to the right…" "That will confuse them for sure. Excellent strategy," responded the adviser. While within a few short light years away... "Princess Babygrrl, our spies have picked up a message that Princess Rydia is planning an assault. What shall we do?" Princess Babygrrl, busy getting her one p.m. pussy suck had this to say. "Send a message to Princess Rydia that I wish to have a sexual duel with her to decide our people's fates. Now leave me my people…no not you…keep the orgasms coming sweetypie." Elsewhere, outside the Burger Brothel, a sexy female was running for her life. She ran into the nearby mall, headed straight up to the ladies lingerie section and right into the third dressing room on the left. As soon as she burst in she saw her best girlfriend in the middle of changing bras. Completely surprised, the two girls hugged. "Charlie!" Ms.Read exclaimed. "Oh Ms.Read. It was terrible. I was having lunch with Susan and some crazy Dutch girl or guy burst in with a gun. I thought only such things happened on Cartoon Network. I was so scared. My hearts beating like crazy." "Oh don't worry Charlie. Just rest your head on my shoulders. You are my best friend after all," Ms.Read said as Charlie put her mouth on one of Ms.Read's exposed nipples. Charlie suddenly felt faint and looked up at her girlfriend. "I think I drank too much water also. I may need mouth to mouuuutttthhhh…" "CHARLIE!" screamed Ms.Read as her girlfriend slowly collapsed on the floor. She blew air into her best friends lungs and pushed on her heart, trying to bring her best friend back. Charlie whispered the word "Tongue" and Ms.Read frantically French kissed Charlie. "Don't die!" Ms.Read screamed as Charlie moved her hands ever so slightly. Charlie whispered with closed eyes, "So cold. My hands are so cold. Need to feel warmth." Ms.Read, thinking quickly that body heat is the answer, took off Charlie's clothes as well as her own and got on top of her friend. Charlie's hands found Ms.Read's pussy. To hold back her tears, Ms.Read continued to french kiss her girlfriend to save her from dying. The meshing of pussies drew a few little sparks. After sometime, Charlie's eyes opened. "You've brought me back from the dead." Ms.Read looked at her girlfriend. "I was so frightened. I knew that if I didn't do something fast, even if it meant having some intimate relations, I'd lose you." The two girlfriends looked at each other as Charlie began to speak. "Look. I may be a girl and all but can't I give you more than any guy could? I mean aren't we best friends?" Ms.Read blushed. "Of course Charlie, but you are a girl. A guy can do so many more things to me that you can't. I met this guy named Charlie. Hey! You both have the same name! I think you'd like him. He's performing at the Opera tomorrow. Are you going?" Before Charlie could answer, a cloud of musty odor went through the mall and her face took on a sour look. "What is that fuckin' smell?" At about the same time, a passing symbiotic meteorite family, having spent some good quality family time on the twirling ride located in Jupiter's eye, decided to take a big catapult slingshot ride around the Sun. However, a somewhat mischievous meteor child, made of some banned substance, decided to take a left turn at Mars which resulted in some crash, bang, boom, and ugh. Instead of bouncing back, he followed some fumes and landed on the planet Earth. Smashing straight through some building, unknown amounts of radioactivity poured out of him. The building, in case you didn't guess it, was "Sex Doll Consignment Shop" and all the Sex dolls sprang back to life. Only now, they all seemed to be sex starved horny zombies. Leaving the destroyed building, the undead found some guy named Jimmy and he got fucked before screaming out. The girls got him off/off him and he too became a sex starved horny zombie. Jimmy's mom, who witnessed the whole thing shouted out, "I want a divorce you cheating son of mine!" The two police officers from Shendude's pad saw the zombie army of nude chics and a guy and decided to start shooting at the guy. The girls held the police down as Jimmy gave each guy half a blowjob. The cops turned into zombies like Jimmy. Before midnight, the whole town had turned pretty much into zombies, save those glued to Ben 10 on Cartoon Network. The sex-starved horny zombies moved in on the Opera building. Back at the Burger Brothel, Shendude had been blinded by hot spicy cum in his eyes. MJL is on the prowl and Darkbee is preparing to fuck a giant pussy with Detective Carney inside. Carney with little room discovers his hand is touching some object and decides to push it out of Lola's mighty pussy lips. Darkbee watched as several hamburgers came out of Lola's large pussy. "Oh my God!" Darkbee screamed, "You have an ass in front of your body!" "I do not!" shouted Lola back as she got up and slapped Darkbee across his two meter plus sized cock. Carney threw another burger out the opening pussy lips and hit Darkbee in the face. "Quit shitting on me!" Darkbee said as he ran out of the room in freak-out mode. MJL, about to blow Shendude away with his gun for no reason other than it just seemed like a cool idea at that moment was caught unaware as Darkbee fell into him. The two sworn enemies reached for their weapons but neither fired. Darkbee felt a lump in his throat, as did MJL. The two lowered their weapons slowly. Darkbee pulled out a frozen urine dildo and MJL popped a pill that enlarged his mouth nearly two feet wide. Darkbee inserted the Dildo into MJL as MJL deep throated Darkbee's big cock. Meanwhile, blind Shendude fell upon the burger conveyor belt and got burned. He reached over to the fountain drink machine and couldn't find the breasts. Suddenly he felt several breasts hit him in the head, saying things like "Stab him with your nipple!" "Titanic Titties don't fail me now!" About 50 feet away, Carney was flung out of the pussy lips and somehow lived to tell the tale. Lola told Carney to lie down and Carney knew that if she got on top of him it would be his doom. Lola took Carney's wallet out and was pleased. Donning her colorful hat, she grabbed Carney's cock and got him off in a few seconds. Lola placed Carney's cum inside a wooden dildo. Lola began to speak, not knowing that it wasn't Shendude, but really Carney. "Shendude you are a very good man so from now on, I will use my voodoo power to guide your cock. Now be gone my pussy juice covered friend and I predict a great event will happen to your life…tonight…at the Opera." Leaving the Burger Brothel, Carney saw his secretary getting her pussy licked by a guy with the greatest mouth he's ever seen in his life. Pretty strange thought Carney that the guy's cheeks seemed to be moving in odd directions. Carney saw Shendude getting hit by the tits and called over to his friend, "Thanks dude. I almost got killed back there," Carney told his blind buddy. "Carney is that you? I can't see because of this hot spicy cum." Carney watched as the tits flew out of the Burger Brothel looking for their owners. "Dude! You smell like Pussy!" Shendude said, still blinded by the spicy cum sauce. "Dames! Some guys got it!" Carney responded and he and his buddy headed outside. By then it was early evening and Carney saw a street full of sex-starved zombies. He rushed with his buddy to the mall, getting there just before it closed. They noticed that besides the place smelling pretty bad, the mall was fairly empty. However, they did bump into Ms.Read and female Charlie. "Detective it is you?" Ms.Read asked. "Did you find my boyfriend Charlie? What can you tell me?" Detective Carney remembered the conversation at the Burger Brothel and knew it was his job to tell his client the truth. Before getting a chance to speak, several of the sex-starved zombies broke in through the main entrance. The lead one is held a double fretted guitar. Chapter 5 As Princesses Babygrrl and Rydia sent thousands to their death attacking each other's planet, two imperial battle ships landed over Wembley stadium in England. The two Princesses had decided to settle their differences on a neutral field and have no-holds barred duel to the death. Somewhere near mid-field, the Princesses faced off. Before attacking, they checked their opponents out. Princess Rydia spoke first. "Nice shoes you got their Babygrrl. Where did you get them?" "I kidnapped Sarah Jessica Parker and made her take me to the best shops," Princess Babygrrl said as she showed her shoes off. "Well I got mine from Sarah Jessica also, right after the filming of the "Sex in the City" movie," Princess Rydia responded. This fact caught Princess Babygrrl by surprise. "I didn't know they finished filming yet?" Princess Rydia smiled. "We've had seven "Sex in the City" films. We brought up the whole cast and filmed it on condition that we do not let those Earthlings view it." Princess Rydia easily blocked a hex blast. She threw back a counter spell of her own and Princess Babygrrl deflected it with ease. "I always pictured you differently Rydia," Babygrrl said with a sly grin. "How so dear Princess?" "You know, a person with a long sheet of toilet paper stuck to their foot and a finger up their nose?" "You thought that of me?" Princess Rydia said as her hands had an energy mass building up in them. "Oh no. It's just that English chap walking in the bleachers" Babygrrl responded as she blew off the distraction. Princess Babygrrl sent a crimson blast towards Rydia who blocked it effortlessly. Princess Rydia sent back a powerful energy bolt that Babygrrl blocked with ease. The two Princesses realized that their battle with magic was rather pointless. Princess Rydia said, "Let us duel as our ancestors have." "Yes," responded Princess Babygrrl as she drew out her pocket rocket, which extended into a vibrating sword. Cat like shrills filled the air as the two girls attacked and counter attacked each other. Neither girl was able to land a blow on the. Suddenly, Princess Babygrrl saw an opening and swung an outstretched finger towards Princess Rydia's pussy. "Now I will finish you." Princess Babygrrl said as her expression slowly changed from savage berserker to that of lust. Princess Rydia also began lowering her deadly blade as she looked at her opponent and gently touched her hand, asking for her to continue with the finger probe. The two girls locked lips, as their weapons were gone. They ravaged each other as lovers often do. Because they are highly sexual beings, describing in detail is way beyond the comprehension of us mere mortals. Similar to hearing the voice of God. After a long time they laid upon the stadium's grounds and cuddled with one another as they continued to gently caress each other tenderly. Princess Rydia saw some familiar faces appear. "Mom. Dad. I am sorry but I love Princess Babygrrl. I know she's our enemy but I can't help myself." Riff-Raff looked down at the girls as Magenta nudged him in the back. "All right woman. I'll tell." Riff Raff said. Magenta hit him again and Riff-Raff stopped twirling his thumb. "He does that when he's horny." "Rydia…you and Babygrrl…" Riff-Raff said as he looked back. Magenta gave him her stare. "Well you are both sisters." Riff-Raff admitted as he backed up. Magenta stepped forward. "You are both sisters. Babygrrl please forgive my sometimes brainless brother/husband." Babygrrl had a shocked look on her face. "I think I always knew it in my heart that Rydia was my sister." Rydia also has a shocked look on her face. "Wait we are not only sisters…but we are also twins." Babygrrl looks her sister in the eyes. "We are twin sisters. This is the happiest day of my life." The two girls locked lips once more as their happy parents look on. Magenta gave Riff-Raff a nudge. "I am so sorry Babygrrl that I left you outside a porn shop one day. It was a moment of weakness. Once I got out of the porn shop I spent minutes looking for you and you were gone. I forgot how small you were but now look at you," he touched her breasts, "and how you have filled out. " "You are forgiven Dad. Growing up as an orphan I pretty much had to suck and fuck my way up to the top anyways. But I do have one question." Babygrrl asked, "What is our obsession with that Earth woman Ms.Read?" "Yeah Dad. She's just an Earthling." Princess Rydia sat up as well. Magenta stepped forward this time. "I will let you in on this part. Along time ago back on Earth, way before our former master, Frank N'Furter got obsessed with Eddie and his Monster man, life was wonderful in the castle. On one particular evening I had sex with both your Dad and Frank N'Furter and having a rather large pussy, as you know you've tasted, I felt both men finish inside me at the exact same time. A daughter was born – Ms.Read, your three quarter sister and the master explained that he didn't want anything to do with her so he sent her off to stay on Earth. We always thought about taking her back with us but too much time passed." Both sisters felt tears of joy, as they suddenly realized the situation. "Oh no MJL may cause her harm." "Also Darkbee. We must stop them" Riff-Raff dropped two Opera tickets as the happy sisters sped off hand in hand. "Don't worry girls. We'll stop the war," Riff-Raff said as he waved good-bye. "Really?" Magenta asked, " Naw…they didn't like me anyways. No one likes me!" Riff-Raff screamed. Magenta hit her I-Zune as a familiar beat broke out. Riff-Raff watched as she made a jump to the left… …and the rest you pretty much can figure out. Inside the mall, Ms.Read, Carney, Charlie and blind Shendude were being pursued by sex-starved zombies. "What are we going to do? We're trapped" Ms.Read screamed. "If only I had a cell phone handy I'd know how to get out of this." Shendude responded as a cell phone was placed in his hand. He felt the number key and dialed General Xoxo. General Xoxo answered. "Shendude my good friend, that sex doll you sent me has come to life and has been chasing me around my space ship. She's got me washing dishes now. Ah shit she's coming…bye!" Charlie came up with an idea. "We could all have sex and make grunting sounds. The sex-starved zombies will think we are one of them." Carney tried to digest this thought, as did Shendude. Soon Charlie and Ms.Read were naked on top of each other, banging their pussies together. Ms.Read looked over at Carney, asking him to hurry. Shendude hit the ground as his pants were pulled down. Carney banged him in the butt and everyone was making deep grunting sounds. The Jimmy Page lead sex-starved zombie unit arrived first. He busted out a few chords of the "Immigrant Song" as he lead his undead zombie brigade elsewhere. "It worked" Ms.Read said as she got up. But Carney continued penetrating Shendude's butt while watching a big screen TV featuring some news story about the Minnesota Vikings complaining they caught some ass itching disease. Carney pulled out as Ms.Read looked at his cock as it did various tricks. Ms.Read seemed fascinated by it. "Mind if I?" Ms.Read asked. Charlie had tears in her eyes as she watched her girlfriend suck another man's cock. She found herself torn between telling Ms.Read the truth of her love as girlfriends and that she dressed up as Ms.Read's boyfriend as well. "Why can't Ms.Read just try and be a lesbian?" she thought. Charlie left at that moment, taking Shendude with her as Ms.Read sucked the most acrobatic cock she had ever tried to suck. Meanwhile, Carney was paying no attention to how or what his cock was doing. Something in the back of his detective trained brain remembered something that may have given him a clue, the three and a three quarter cup mug of coffee. "That's got to be it!" he thought gleefully. The Case of the Missing Boyfriend At the Opera house, Charlie escorted Shendude to the back row and went to go get ready. Shendude, alone and blind in the dark, decided to try and find a bathroom. Groping and walking along, he encountered a wet skin like substance on either side of him and heard some music. He rubbed his eyes with the wet substance and was suddenly somehow able to see. Trying to get his bearings, he noticed that he was in some sort of dark entry way. The walls felt like a large pussy. Going in, he entered an average sized room with a bed and a computer hooked up to the Literotica website. The computer was the fastest laptop bar none, as was the Internet connection. A few hamburgers were near the entrance and Shendude cleaned them up. Inside a fridge, he found a wide assortment of Jamaican beef patties and ginger beer. He realized then that the music playing was Bob Marley. A whole library of sci-fi books was on a shelf. Shendude felt very comfortable as he looked up at a sign on the wet wall that read, "Lola's Place." He decided to spend some time translating the books from Jamaican English and write some kick ass sci-fi stories. Back at the building destroyed by the meteorite, the lonely meteorite kid woke up from his nap as he heard his kid brother burning past Venus and taunting him with names. Pulling back his radioactivity, he blasted off to join his family on the return trip away from the boring planet called Earth. Suddenly, the sex starved zombies turned into regular people. They looked at each other and figured that since it's Valentines Day anyway, why not fake being zombies and have one wild orgy before returning to their boring lives. Jimmy Page looked around and saw his band mates and they played for a few hours before going out and getting stoned and having some good ole fashioned sex with one another. Ms.Read meanwhile had finished Carney and felt rather confused. "I am sorry I took advantage of you detective." Carney smiled. "Listen dame. I know I am just a fling." "Yeah. I really do love Charlie. He's my boyfriend. I guess I just caught you on the lay-up" "But why haven't you been with your boyfriend today?" Carney asked. "He said he was too busy. Needed to get ready for the show," Ms.Read said. "And what about your girlfriend Charlie? What is your feeling towards her?" Carney asked. "She's a girl. I mean I love her. Her burning hot nipples and pussy tastes like so delic'. She can get me off with multiples in like no time. I love the way she smells. She just gets me so horny. I mean your cock is interesting in the way it moves, but like all cocks it's really gross. The sperm tastes like throw-up. I feel like disgusted just being next to you much less having sex with you. If God would drop an A-bomb destroying all men in the world I would be great. All you men should just get up and die. But…" "But?" Carney questioned. "But I guess I got to marry a guy because it's the right thing to do." "Why don't you be a lesbian?" Carney asked her. "What's a lesbian?" Ms.Read asked back. Meanwhile, the two Princesses tracked down MJL and Darkbee at the Opera that was about to begin. The sisters used a simple first level spell and their weapons were rendered useless. MJL and Darkbee looked at the Princesses with shock. Princess Babygrrl sees them both hand to hand and spoke. "You are brothers." Smiling Princess Rydia gives her sister a kiss on the cheek. Darkbee looked over at MJL and asked, "When you pee do you shake your leg three times and make a noise like Curly from the three stooges?" "Of course…who doesn't?" MJL responded. He looked down at Darkbee's hand and saw he was wearing an identical mood changing ring, one only found in Count Chocula cereal boxes. MJL asked, "What color are your farts?" "Broccoli flavored going outward around two meters in each direction and lasting around twelve seconds before dissipating in a north eastern direction," Darkbee responded. MJL's face broke into a big smile. "Mine too". The two brothers kissed and the princess's shared a big hug. An usher told them all to sit down, as the Opera was about to begin. "The Phantom of the Cock Era" The curtains are lifted as twenty men stand in a row on stage. Only their dark outline can be seen. A slight drizzle gives the impression that they are all in a shower. As they all move in unison 90 degrees it can be seen that they each stroke their cock with perfect timing. The orchestra begins and singing fills the Opera house. (To the melody of "Ballad of a Thin Man" by Bob Dylan) Wecome to our Shower Room Grab your penis with your hand Go get yourself naked And put some lotion if you can Try to make it hard And try and make it stand Imagine what your lover will say When he gets home Because oral sex is happiness Unless it turns out to be someone else Someone like…Phantom Jones You love getting head And you ask, "Suck me some more?" And when he gets around finishing you You go to pay off that whore And just then you discover That you left your wallet next door And the cum gets spit Back on the floor Because oral sex is happiness Unless you fail to pay someone else Someone like…Phantom Jones The audience feels sticky drops fall down upon them as the curtain goes down. Carney and Ms.Read grab their seats in the front. There is a change in melody. Actors move out the parts as a voice over sings the lyrics. (To the melody of "Simple Twist of Fate" by Bob Dylan) Paris Opera 18...81 Two girls competing for a part there is one, One with a golden voice the other with a frog caught in her throat, And the golden voice no deep throat, and the frog voice girl she got the part. Was it the Phantom or a simple twist of fate? Paris Opera 18…82 Frog voice girl gets some rotten reviews, New girl brought in to sing the part; word spreads that she's a quick lay, But she mentions that she's gay, and a sand bag knocks her dead Was it the Phantom or a simple twist of fate? Paris Opera 18…83 Frog voice girl finds a man to marry, She says that he's a real asshole; but he's got himself a big cock, And his wedding gift was a clock, that blew up and blast him dead Was it the Phantom or a simple twist of fate? Paris Opera 18…84 Opera's closed Frog girl's full-time whore, New team brought into revamp the show, but they think that there's a ghost, And they follow the smell of French toast, and they find maple syrup on an empty mask Was it the Phantom or a simple twist of fate? Paris Opera 18…85 The new opera is buzzing alive, The new star can't sing but is a real smash, she's got a triple D sized breasts, But she complains someone grabs her dress, but the pay is worth the feels Was it the Phantom or a simple twist of fate? Paris Opera 18…86 The new star disappears in some smoke magic tricks, The search goes on and word gets spread, there's a Phantom in our midst, And you can hear "Suck on my tits", getting whispered inside the walls Is it the Phantom or a simple twist of fate? the curtain comes down. After several moments a new scene has started. Charlie, dressed as a man with a cape, has a covering over part of his face. Ms.Read watches his every move. (To the melody "Tangled Up in Blue" by Bob Dylan) Early one morning 10 feet below I was eating French toast in bed, Looking at this babe with giant tits Thinkin' about her pussy instead. I took her down many years ago Big tits were my thing Then after a while she was pestering me About that wedding ring. I just threw up and felt kind of scared Marriage was not my thing Killing people in the Opera Seem to be just what I did and so I knew I was tangled up and screwed. I thought about bopping her over the head And dumping her into the lake I knew she couldn't carry a tune And I found out her boobs were fake And then it hit me what I really did want Was just to be in love To have a woman that I always could love Instead all that killing stuff So I let her go up to the Opera I knew she would turn me in But she slipped upon a banana peel She had a con-cuss-ion. But could she sue? I was tangled up and screwed I heard a voice in the Opera After past so many years It was such a beautiful voice I heard I had to bring her down right here My face is scarred so I wear a mask And as I stood above the stage The Opera owner offered her a job Only he paid the minimum wage So the golden voice said that wasn't enough And I became enraged She ran out that very moment As I slipped and feel on stage. I was black and blue Tangled up and screwed. The curtain goes down once again as the Charlie a.k.a the Phantom lies on the ground. Ms.Read's eyes are on Charlie the whole time. As the curtains rise again the Phantom has a bouquet of flowers in his hand. (To the melody "Just like a Woman" by Bob Dylan) Ms.Read, she's my best friend (Charlie starts taking his/her clothes off as she sings and walks slowly off stage) Yes, I love her, from now 'til the end I propose to you right now You make my heart go pound There's just one Charlie for you and she wears her dresses down (Ms.Read walks towards her) Your eyes, your smile, your lovely face You taste just like a woman, yes, you do You make love to me just like a woman, yes, you do And you make me feel like a woman And no Phantom (mask removed) is gonna break your heart. Ms.Read and Charlie kiss. The curtain falls as applause rings out. The princesses shoot off fireworks as they rush to greet their sister. "That was so Goth. Hi. I am your sister Rydia," Rydia says in giggling fashion. "And I'm your other sister Babygrrl. Oh give us a kiss you hot lesbian," Babygrrl says. As the girls embrace Carney makes his way to the exit. He notices a pretty girl and as he approaches her, his cock twists and he falls down. He gets up and looks at Lola smile from the back row. Her belly seems to have gotten much bigger. Getting up Carney sees the pretty girl vanished. Ms.Read smiles. "Charlie I had a dream once that I would be surrounded with girls in the Zen room. I wonder what that means?" It's late sometime just after midnight and Valentines Day is a thing of the past as Detective Carney walks back to his flat. Tomorrow he'll have to find a new secretary. "Who knows? Perhaps another client will come in tomorrow. No doubt it'll be some dame," Carney says. He never notices that a long sheet of toilet paper is stuck to his foot. The End