5 comments/ 10179 views/ 0 favorites LST3K Ep. 08: The Fandom Menace By: Darkniciad Welcome all ye princesses, heroes of prophecy, and green muppets with laser swords to yet another episode of LST3K! This episode is a little longer than those previous, and I'm afraid you know what that means if you've been sucked in with me before — double the pain! The original story has a few spoofish moments of its own, some of which the author admits are intentional. Others, he chuckled nervously over. Thankfully, I've managed to capture a couple of unlucky souls to share this nightmare with me. Please offer your condolences to Scriptordelecto and Malkor! ( Or their next of kin, as appropriate by the time this is over ) There is only one proper way to introduce this cringe-worthy tale. So, grab a seat, scroll slowly, hum that timeless tune, and make sure you have a barf bag handy. LST3K Ep. 08: The Fandom Menace Malkor: I just wish we had been able to read the message again, my last drink is wearing off and this story is getting painful. "But Master..." Dark: Suzanne Somers isn't going to convince me either! "Forget it, Deepee. I almost have enough supplies and fuel cells hidden away here. As soon as I do, I'm heading straight for the outer spiral. The Fempire will never get a hold out there. May as well make yourselves at home for a few days until I make the jump out of here." **** "Welcome, Princess Leigh." Leigh stared defiantly at the dark-robed figure as the Femtroopers shoved her forward and saluted before leaving. She stood tall and proud, ignoring her nudity that was now more complete than ever with the dark curls between her legs shorn away. Dark: All over that bare pussy thing, aren't we? Somebody has a shaving fetish. Let's hope it doesn't extend to Lance's five-o'clock shadow later. "I would expect one of royal blood and such lauded diplomatic skills to understand the necessity of appropriate protocol, even in the face of an enemy," the Empress suggested as she stepped forward, her features still hidden beneath the cowl of her voluminous robe. "You will never win. We will fight you and your Fempire to our dying breath," Leigh declared, staring into the gloom of the Empress' hood where the woman's eyes should be. "You underestimate my power," the Empress alleged. "You underestimate the desire to be free," Leigh contended. Dark: Running the gambit with "Words to replace said" here. Script: But it's OK to drive underestimate into the ground. Malkor: I know my sanity is being driven into the ground. The Empress gestured, and Leigh was forced to her knees. "You will kneel before me willingly soon enough, Princess." Leigh couldn't move at all, forced to stare straight ahead as the flowing black cloth of the Empress' robe filled her vision. The belt of the Empress' robe moved, untying itself. The folds of cloth slowly parted, revealing the body beneath. Dark: Cue gratuitous lesbian love scene! Malkor: Cueing love scene. Now, please people, try to look like you're having a good time. Leigh gasped as the scent of the Empress' arousal filled her lungs. The body beneath the robes was almost unreal in its perfection. The Empress' smooth, tan skin glowed with youth. Her breasts were perfect firm globes, with stiff, perfectly symmetrical nipples. Her pink pussy was wet. Dark: Is she perfect? I'm not sure you stressed it enough. Script: Nonsense. You might underestimate her level of perfection. The sight and scent made Leigh feel drunk. Her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. Script: Here we go with the blonde stereotyping again. Malkor: I wish my head was stuffed with cotton about now, this story might not be as painful. She felt her pussy getting wet. Before she knew what she was doing, she leaned forward and stuck her tongue into the Empress' hot cunt. Dark: Way to go! You found a word other than pussy! If only he'd expand his vocabulary a little beyond the dialog tags. "Ah, you see, it is pointless to resist," the Empress moaned as Leigh ate her pussy. Malkor: I know I'm moaning here, but I doubt it's for the same reason as the Empress. Leigh whimpered and fought to keep her tongue on the Empress' pussy as she felt her knees lift from the floor. She spun until she hovered upside down, and then stuck her tongue back into the Empress' pussy to lick it, unable to resist. Dark: Pussy, pussy, pussy... It's like a prize fighter beating you senseless — Geesh! Malkor: With all that spinning, you better watch out for the pea soup. The Empress threw back her hood, revealing her fiery red hair, emerald green eyes, and pouting lips. A thought snapped Leigh's legs apart. Leigh moaned into the Empress' pussy as a tongue flickered over her kitty. Dark: *Groan* Then again, maybe he should just stick with pussy. She sucked the Empress' big clit, making more pussy juice leak out for her to lick up. The Empress' tongue moved impossibly fast, making Leigh breath hard as she got closer to cumming by the second. Malkor: We obviously underestimated the Empress's perfection. She's so perfect that even breath gets hard. The Empress started to cum, squirting pussy juice into Leigh's face until it soaked her hair and flowed to the floor like a river. Dark: Niagra falls has nothing on this freak of nature. Malkor: Is this Porn Wars or some sick Anime? Leigh just kept licking until she started to cum too. She screamed like a banshee as she had the biggest O of her life. She kept her tongue stuck out all the way to try to keep licking the Empress' pussy as she kept cumming and spun around to land on the floor again. Malkor: Yet more spinning. I tell you, that pea soup is going to be hitting the walls any second. The Empress licked Leigh's pussy juice off her lips and moaned, "Welcome to the Fempire." She then walked to her bed, and Princess Leigh followed. **** Vulvena grinned as the crimson clad Fempire Guards carried away the exhausted Princess Leigh. The coating of pussy juice on her face, quim, Dark: *Gag* Definitely stick with pussy. Something tells me it's only going to get worse. and thighs revealed her conversion was complete. Her Perfection, Empress Nympho tied her robe and pulled the hood low over her face once more. Dark: At her side, Dom DeLuise pulls a live chicken out from under him and demands, "Wash this." Malkor: "I take this chicken from your hands, that I may wash it for you." "It is done. She is one with us now. The rebel leaders hide on Orgasma. Take her there, destroy the rebels, and establish her as the planetary administrator." "It shall be done, my Mistress," Vulvena declared as she bowed and then turned to leave the room. As soon as she stepped outside the throne room of the Empress, a Femtrooper approached and grasped her breast in a smart salute. "We have located the escape pod believed to contain the downloaded data, Mistress Vulvena." Mistress Vulvena's smile was wide and wicked as she commanded, "Prepare my Fempire Destroyer, and ensure that our newest planetary administrator is shown on board." **** Lance spit out, "Shit," Dark: Memo to self — avoid snack foods of the future at all costs. Malkor: You haven't paid attention to current snack foods have you? and jumped up from his chair. "What is it, Master Starseeker?" Lance hurried to a terminal and cursed again. "Get in the ship, genius. We're getting out of here. You too, Mate." DP began, "Is there..." "We've got Fempire probes sniffing around us. Dark: Am I the only one with this image of dildoes crawling around sniffing like bloodhounds? Malkor: Get out of my head... You can bet that there are fighters not far behind, and a Destroyer up there somewhere," Lance explained as he snatched up a few odds and ends to throw into a bag. Dark: "Let's see — my Gameboy, some beef jerkey..." Script: "the er Dildo's not mine. It's for Leigh — yeah." "Then we're doomed," DP lamented. Malkor: Finally, another drink! Just give me the bottle. We're only a third of the way through this travesty and I don't want to be conscious for all of it. Lance kicked the fussy Attendbot in his synth-flesh ass and reiterated, "Get in the ship. This isn't some freighter or diplomatic transport. This is the Centurion Raptor." Dark: Sounds like a really bad white rapper name. Malkor: Like there's a good white rapper name. Remember Vanilla Ice? Dark: Even Vanilla Ice was better than this story. Script: Too, too cold. Lance swung his bag over his shoulder and hurried DP along, literally pushing the Attendbot up the ramp into the Raptor. M8 cleared the ramp, Lance slammed the button to close it, and then sprinted down the tight corridor to the cockpit. Malkor: So far the corridor is the only tight thing in this story. Script: I don't know, Lance and the Dildo-bot seem pretty close. "Mate, plug in and start plotting a course to the outer spiral. Genius, get strapped in and get ready to scramble the sub-space communicators of those fighters and drones." Dark: "Chewie, put some Hamdingers in the microwave, I'm starving!" He breathed a sigh of relief when the Attendbots followed his orders without question. He glanced at his readout and saw confirmation that the bots were doing exactly as he had ordered. "We're out of here," he declared as he pushed the final lever to bring the Raptor to life. Sand sifted downward as the hidden docking doors above slid open. The opening was barely wide enough for the Raptor when it squeaked through into the light. The engines roared and the ship screamed into the atmosphere. Dark: Squeaked, roared, and screamed — how do they hide this noisy ship anywhere? Malkor: Sounds like what happens when strippers find out they've been hired by a gaming group. Dark: Or a certain special individual with a thread for serious scholars on the Lit forum. Script: *snicker* "Fuck, that's Vulvena's Destroyer. You really are carrying something important aren't you Dildo-bot?" M8 hastily beeped something. Lance looked down at the translation and screamed, "What do you mean they've formed up their fighters to block every outer spiral trajectory? How could they know we would head to the outer spiral? Plot a course somewhere. Anywhere. Get us far away from here, Mate." "Master, I am jamming their communications as you have requested, but I'm afraid that they recognize your ship," DP warned. Script: "The radar, Sir — it's jammed. Raspberry." "Just great," Lance growled. A series of beeps preceded a readout on his screen from M8 revealing that the Attendbot had found a safe trajectory for the leap to light speed. "Punch it, Mate!" The Raptor lurched as it rocketed off into the distance. **** "So, you live, Lance Starseeker. I'll remedy that soon enough." "Mistress Vulvena, we have a reading." Dark: "Cancel that and the poetry recital. Find out where he's going!" Vulvena arched her back and let out an aroused hiss as she pressed her fingers between her legs. "Intercept," she commanded. Script: "I really need that dildo-bot" The destroyers and fighters leapt into hyperspace in pursuit as Vulvena purred, "It's been a long time since I castrated an Aura Knight." **** "You sneaky little son-of-a-bitch," Lance growled as he realized the course M8 had set. "Too late to do anything now. I guess you got your way. We'll have to pull something fancy to get to Orgasma. Dark: What about switching hands? Malkor: As an Aura Knight, he should be able to do that without missing a beat. No place else around here will have enough fuel cells to get us anywhere." "If I may suggest, Master, it would be wise to activate your cloaking..." "Shut up, genius. I'm the pilot here. Mate, put up the cloaking device when I give the word, and launch a clone drone toward Areola. Dark: Bet he doesn't get it any farther than the belly button nebula. Malkor: I bet he doesn't even get under the shirt. Dark: He's OUT, halfway to second base! Then get us to Orgasma. I'll hand off you two, load up on fuel cells and anything else they can give me quickly, and then get the hell out of here." The Raptor slowed down as it reached the star system. Lance ordered, "Now, Mate," as soon as his ship slipped out of hyperspace. Lance smiled, because even his own ship's sensors couldn't tell the difference between the signature of his ship and the clone drone. The Raptor thought it was going in two different directions for a few clicks, until Lance flipped a switch to cut the ship off from the drone. Lance kicked back in his chair with a smug smile. It took only a few minutes to reach Orgasma in his ship, the fastest in the galaxy. Dark: As opposed to Lance, who takes only a few seconds to get to Orgasma. "Sorry, this has never happened to me before..." M8 beeped an alarm as the Raptor approached the planet, and DP revealed, "I have distressing news, Master Starseeker." Script: "Don't tell me. We're out of batteries." Lance stared at his sensor display, which told him exactly what had the Attendbots in an uproar. Every male life sign on the planet was confined to a few evenly spaced locations. Dark: Home Depot, strip clubs, and sports bars. "So much for the rebellion. The Fempire got here first." M8 beeped something and Lance read the translation. "At this point, we don't have much choice. You'd better be right, dildo-bot. Head for this hidden rebel base of yours." **** "Would that you had brought this sooner, before all hope was lost," the leader of the rebellion sighed. Dark: That's one long sigh. He must have sucked in air like a pearl diver to pull that one off. Malkor: *checking rules* Oh thank the maker, we can have another drink. "What are you talking about? You've got the location of the Fempire's cloning facilities, weaknesses in the control programming for the Femtroopers, the means to deactivate the halls of collection, and how to break the brainwashing of the Fempire. If that isn't hope, I don't know what is," Lance disputed. Dark: We also tapped into their cable and wireless internet! Malkor: And, I hot-wired the HD converter. We get like, a thousand channels now. Dark: But there's still nothing on! "We are too few, and with Princess Leigh..." Lance turned away in disgust. He'd seen it ever since he arrived. With the capture and conversion of Leigh, everyone had given up hope. The whole situation reminded him just a little too much of his reaction to the slaughter of his fellow Aura Knights. "I'm going to free Leigh," he declared. Dark: No such thing as a free lay, Lance. Malkor: Lance should know that very well. Only man I ever knew who couldn't get laid in a whore-house with a fistful of hundreds. The rebellion commander shook his head and argued, "Impossible. How do you plan to avoid capture? You certainly can't pass for a woman." Dark: "Well, maybe the man-boobs, but other than that it's all wrong." "There are still men free," Lance countered. "Gay men, unaffected by the power of the halls of collection. You would be caught immediately." Lance glanced at DP with a crooked grin and chuckled, "I think I know the perfect way to learn how to fake it." Dark: He probably has a lot of experience with faking it, but the women couldn't bring themselves to tell him. Malkor: They barely have time to breathe, let alone tell him anything. "Oh dear," DP moaned. Malkor: Another Drink! Script: Thank the stars! *grabs bottle* Dark: Don't know if I need another one. I'm getting that Klingon attack effect from swaying back and forth, and this story is still leaving a bad taste in my mouth. **** Lance felt like a fool, but he had to admit that his plan was working. Between his flamboyant clothing and the neural implant causing him to mimic DP's mannerisms, he scared himself. His hips swayed in a feminine fashion, and he frequently tossed his head without conscious thought. His hands felt like they were floating at his side as he walked, his wrists bent upward. Dark: Flame on! Malkor: Pardon me, while he's tossing his head, I'm going to go toss my cookies. The Femtroopers at the palace gate had let him in without question, and none had questioned him since. He had to admit that DP's suggestion to wear a sarong over his trousers was a good idea. The palace was filled to bursting with beautiful women in various states of undress. Without that sarong, his raging hardon would have given him away in an instant. Dark: Raging Hardon would have fit right in as a name in this crapfest. The golden representations of pussies on the codpieces and nipples on the breastplates of the Femtroopers flanking the palace doors marked them as elites, the mindless shock troops of the Fempire. Dark: Lindsey, Paris, and Britney. Malkor: The Ho-ly Trinity of the Fempire He hadn't expected to find any in such a remote outpost, and it didn't bode well. "Halt! State your business, male," one of the Femtroopers demanded. Lance responded with DP's unspoken thoughts, framing his answer in the effeminate Attendbot's manner of speech. "I'm bringing these two positively delightful Attendbots to her Excellency, Leigh. I discovered them wandering about positively lost, and I thought it would be an excellent gift for her excellency." Malkor: Positively gagulous. The Femtrooper opened the gate and revealed, "Proceed. Her Excellency will receive your gift." "Oh, thank you. I love your uniforms," he gushed as he passed between the Femtroopers, swearing he was going to gag on the words and the falsetto tone of his voice. Dark: How appropriate. I'm both swearing and gagging at the moment myself. Leigh lounged on an enormous pile of cushions, dressed in a diaphanous gown that left nothing to the imagination. Lance barely managed to avoid raising his eyebrows in surprise when he saw her bald snatch. Dark: Hey! A bald snatch! That's one more for exotic bird bingo! Malkor: I just need to see a pole-sitting cooter to complete my card. She hated the look, and he'd never seen her without a bush. Dark: She gave it to the Knights of Ni. Malkor: "And now for something completely different" Please? It was yet another mark of her conversion to the Fempire. Numerous nude and semi-nude women lounged with her, and Leigh was absently fingering one of them as Lance entered. Leigh brought her finger to her lips to taste the blonde's juices and then looked up toward the doors. Dark: Who were playing Light My Fire. Lance knew he was in trouble as soon as he saw her scowl, and noticed six more Femtroopers in the room. "You," Leigh growled. "Cease him. Make sure he lives, because I want the pleasure of castrating him myself." Script: "Er...do we cease him or let him live? Make up your mind would ya?" The Femtroopers immediately raised their weapons as women screamed and ran for the exits at the back of the room. Lance willed his proton blade into his hand, hoping he remembered how to use it. He hadn't touched it since going into hiding over five years ago. Dark: Because Yoda told him that would make him go blind. Script: Would that we were so lucky. Malkor: I can fix that with a dull spoon. Dark: Much more of this and I may want to borrow that spoon for myself. The bright blue blade erupted just in time to block a ray blast from one of the Femtroopers. He instinctively angled the humming blade to reflect the blast back to where it had came from, striking down the Femtrooper. The clone fell inert, looking more like a marionette with its strings cut than a person dying from a blaster shot. Lance's training took over his body, letting him once more feel the Aura flowing through him. He jumped, whirled, and lashed his photon blade back and forth. Dark Duck: Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! Blaster rays reflected to keep the Femtroopers off balance. Script: I'm sure the porn star heels had nothing to do with it. LST3K Ep. 08: The Fandom Menace The four normal Femtroopers fell inert within seconds, leaving only the two elite Femtroopers. When he heard the throne room doors open, he corrected his thinking to account for the two guards from outside. Lance swept his hand in a quick gesture that destroyed every comlink in the room and slammed all the doors through his command of the Aura. He knew that the elites had shields that protected them from ray blasts, so he leapt toward the two at the head of the room with his proton blade whirling. He deflected more ray blasts, and then slashed one of the troopers with his weapon. The searing blade cut through the Femtroopers weapon, her breastplate, and the breast beneath. Dark: That was udderly uncalled for! Malkor: Just carve off some the breast meat for me, thanks. The second Femtrooper fell to a sidelong slash that nearly cut her in two at the trim waist. Lance spun to deflect the blasts from the Femtroopers approaching him from behind. The returning blasts harmlessly scattered on the elite clones' shields. One of the Femtroopers slipped up on DP, Dark: Sounds like the blooper reel of a porn video. Malkor: "Now pool boy, please try to look like you don't know you're going to get laid." pulling out a restraining disk that would immobilize the Attendbot. With a womanish scream, DP fell to the floor in a fetal position. Surprised by the sudden action, the Femtrooper tripped over the cowering bot. The second trooper tried to do the same to M8, but the little bot managed to quickly hover out of the way. A panel on M8's spherical body opened, thrusting out a cock-shaped appendage. The sex toy ejaculated a thick stream of synth-cum into the Femtrooper's eyes, blinding her. Dark: Yep, definitely sounding like the blooper reel from a porno here. Malkor: Lucky Femtrooper, she's blind now. Sure you don't want me to get the spoon? Dark: It's getting more tempting by the second. She tried to wipe the sticky fluid off the visual sensors of her helmet, but a second compartment in M8's body opened, sending out a small probe that generated a sharp crack of electricity when it contacted the Femtrooper's plastisteel armor. The Femtrooper fell in a twitching heap to the floor. Lance reached DP just as the Femtrooper regained her feet and cut her down. He turned to dispatch the final clone, but he saw it cease to twitch and freeze in place. "Guards, there is a male in the throne room," Leigh shouted into the comlink. "Waste of time, Leigh," Lance remarked as his proton blade fizzle out. Dark: He then quickly dug into his pockets for a bottle of Aura Viagra. Leigh realized the truth of his words and snatched up a blaster. Lance reached out with the Aura and snatched the weapon out of her hand. Dark: Snatch, snatch, snatch. What do you think is actually on the author's mind here? Malkor: The author has a mind? Script: Whoever said "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" never had to read this. "Don't make me hurt you, Leigh. We need to remind you of who you are so you can break out of whatever the Fempire has done to you." "I have no problem hurting you," she sneered and curled her fingers into claws. Lance doubled over as he felt his nuts being crushed. Dark: *Whistling the Nutcracker Suite* He lashed out with the Aura instinctively, countering her grip and hurling her into the pile of cushions. He leapt into a somersault, crossing the thirty feet between them in a single bound. Somehow, the Fempire had given her the ability to use the dark side of the Aura. He knew that he had to break the control quickly. He grasped her wrists in his hands and pinned her down to the cushions as he landed atop her, knocking the wind out of her. He knew it was coming, but he still nearly caught off-guard by her mental intrusion. Dark: "He still nearly caught off-guard"? What the hell? Did he have to use Mongo as a scab because of the writer's strike a while back? He fought her off with his own mind powers, and managed to thrust out with the Aura, rendering her senseless for a few precious seconds. Dark: Which put them on even footing. Script: This piece is rendering me senseless. He quickly willed his hologram projector into his hand, and then spit out a curse when he saw it was broken. The projector contained a recording of a man and woman having sex, the only means to break the brainwashing of the Fempire. "Sorry, Leigh. It's not that I don't want to, but I don't want to force it on you either. There's no other way." Leigh's head weakly thrashed as she tried to shake off the shock of his mental blast. Lance knew he had only a precious few seconds left, and took advantage of them to jerk down his trousers and force her legs apart. Dark: Foul! Okay, this is just wrong as hell... Malkor: Like there's been anything right about this story? "No!" Leigh squealed as he thrust his dick inside her. Her eyes popped open and she fearfully looked down at his buried tool. She struggled with all her strength for a second, and then her body relaxed. She let out a long moan and trembled, fresh wetness rushing to lubricate her pussy. "I hate you," she panted as pleasure swelled within her. "I know," Lance grunted in response as he thrust into her hot pussy. "But, I love your cock. Fuck me," she gasped. Lance knew exactly how to make Leigh cum. He'd done it often enough before their falling out. He wasn't ready to get married, but she was. He'd ran off to devote his life to his training and avoid her marriage trap. Dark: We couldn't have covered this earlier? No back-story in the middle of fuckie-suckie, Daniel-san. Malkor: I'm surprised we have the time to cover this now. This must be one of those flash-backs that only take, like, a nano-second. She'd chased him down simply to slap him. Despite her anger, she'd still fallen into bed with him before returning home. They were good together, and she simply couldn't resist it. So, he knew she was about to cum. The Fempire's control over her was broken, but neither of them wanted to stop now. The women snuck back into the room upon hearing the sounds of pleasure, and immediately snapped free of the Fempire's control upon seeing Lance pounding Leigh's pussy. Leigh screamed as she came, squeezing him tight in her clinging pussy. She pinched her nipples and pulled them out, still gasping and screaming. Dark: No wonder she's screaming, she just pulled her nipples out! If I was him, I'd be screaming too. Lance kept thrusting, and was just about to cum too. Leigh's eyes opened and she saw the look on Lance's face. "Don't cum inside me," she gasped out in alarm. Lance jerked his big dick from her clinging cunt and blew his hot load all over her. Dark: Surely you can ram a couple more adjectives in there? Script: I see where Lance gets his finesse. She started fingering her pussy as he covered her in cum. He squirted her with the last of his man-juice and then collapsed to the cushions next to her. "W-what happened?" Leigh asked. She was still trembling and gasping from cumming. "I remember being captured... The next thing I know, you're fucking me and I'm about to cum." "The Fempire brainwashed you. It was the only way to break their control over you," Lance groaned. Dark: You didn't exactly explore any other options there, Lance. Malkor: Wow, he got out a whole sentence, he should be snoring any second now. "You're so good," Leigh moaned. "I still hate you, though." She sat up from the cushions and asked, "Did you find Em-Eight?" M8 hovered over and beeped excitedly. "The rebellion has what they need, and they had one base that even you didn't know about. That's the only reason they're not all in the cum suckers." Lance sat up. "I'm going to put a stop to this. They all gave up when you were captured. I realized how pitiful I was acting when I saw them. Dark: Pitiful acting is just such an appropriate phrase... Malkor: Shh...he's trying to have a noble moment here. I'm going to take out Vulvena and the Empress for the good of the galaxy, and in memory of all the Aura Knights those two bitches killed." Dark: I'm sure this sounds so noble with him face down in the cushions in a post-come coma. "I'll help. We'll all help." Lance growled and pulled up his pants. "You're not coming with me, though. You have to stay here and rally the rebellion." Malkor: Of course she's not coming with you, no woman can come with a milli-second of stimulation. "What about the Femtroopers?" "Order all the Femtroopers on the planet here for an orgy or something so we can capture them. We can implant neural transmitters in a couple of them and force them to keep up the illusion that the Fempire is in control here. I have a plan, but I need to talk to the rebellion leaders across the galaxy." "I'll call them." Lance pointed toward the aroused women standing at the back of the room, many of whom were touching themselves in ways they would never consider doing in public. "Until they get that out of their system, they're going to be useless. We're going to need their help." He gestured for M8 to approach and told the bot, "Go to it, Mate." M8 ejected his vibrating attachment with a happy beep. "You too, genius. I know you're equipped for it and programmed for it." Dark: Lance seems rather intimately acquainted with that function, doesn't he? "Oh dear," DP lamented as the women swarmed toward the two Attendbots and the appendages they so desperately needed inside them. Malkor: Oh good, another drink. I was starting to sober up. Script: A fate worse than death. **** "For the last time, I am coming with you," Leigh reiterated. Dark: Better get a head start if you want to cross the finish line with the minuteman, Leigh. A vase hurtled across the room to shatter over Lance's left shoulder. "You see? I don't know how, but I can feel the Aura now. I can help you. You can't possibly handle Vulvena and the Empress alone." Lance opened his mouth to protest, but sighed and failed to do so. He had his own doubts about his ability to survive his mission. "Wait here." "Oh no, you're not fooling me like that. The moment you..." "Leigh, you have my word as an Aura Knight that I'll be right back." Leigh repeated Lance's action from a minute earlier and left her protest unsaid. She knew him well enough to know that he wouldn't break that promise under any circumstances. A few minutes later, Lance walked back down the ramp of the Raptor. He had something in his hand, but Leigh couldn't tell what it was in the low light of the secret hanger. Dark: Trust me, Leigh, you don't want to know! As he approached, he ignited the golden proton blade for a second and held it in front of him. "This was my Master's photon blade. Show me you can handle it and I'll stop arguing with you. Dark: Is this leading up to some freaky S&M thing? Malkor: Well, at least it's not a Violet Wand. Lance then shouted to M8, "Mate, get over here." Dark: It's getting creepier! "How does it work?" Leigh asked. "If you can't figure that out, then we're already done." Leigh's eyes hardened, and then opened wide in surprise. She swept the photon blade out to her side and ignited it. Dark: And I see your Scwartz is as big as mine! Now, let's see if you know how to handle it. "I do know how to do it," she murmured with a note of awe. Lance had to admit that he was surprised. He had suspected that she could sense how to ignite the weapon, but hadn't expected it to happen so quickly. "Okay, then. Mate, set your exterminator blaster to its lowest setting and target Leigh with it." M8 beeped and buzzed in protest, hovering up into Lance's face, his motivator now repaired and functioning properly. The Attendbot thrust out its exterminator blaster and pointed it at Lance, and the Aura Knight didn't need a translator to understand what the little robot was saying. Dark: Do you feel lucky, Punk? Malkor: I'll feel lucky if I get to the end of this story with my sanity intact. Script: Way too late. "Relax, Em-Eight," Leigh laughed. "This is going to sting, Leigh," Lance warned. Leigh raised the proton blade in front of her and countered, "Only if he can hit me." Dark: Judging by what we've seen already, the bot has been hitting her on a regular basis. Malkor: Along with the rest of the football, baseball and basketball teams. "Do it, Mate." M8 hesitated for another moment before firing off a blast that struck Leigh on the hip. "Relax. Feel the Aura, let it speak to you. Don't think. Just react," Lance instructed. Leigh rubbed the burn on her hip and then stuck her finger through the tiny hole in her borrowed pants. She brought the photon blade back up again. "Okay." M8 fired again, and Leigh jerked the photon blade to deflect the blast down into her foot. Dark: May as well throw out the purse that matched those shoes. She winced, but kept the blade in front of her and ignored the pain. "Random pattern, keep them coming," Lance ordered the Attendbot, more than a little surprised that she'd managed to deflect the blast at all. M8 fired off a series of four blasts. Leigh deflected all four shots, and managed to redirect two of the blasts back toward the Attendbot, where the energy dissipated against the bot's shield. M8's second volley was much the same, except Leigh reflected all four blasts directly back to their source. "Enough," Lance ordered. Leigh whirled the photon blade in a complex series of maneuvers, and then let the blade go out. Dark: Ending the talent portion of the Miss Galaxy pageant. "How am I doing this?" "It's the Aura, Leigh. It's not perfect, but you're moving a lot like my Master. He carried that blade for four decades, and it was like a part of him. That part of him is still in it, and you're able to use it." "I think I understand. I can almost feel him guiding my hands." Dark: Probably under your blouse if he trained Lance. Malkor: I wonder if his master's master was named Bobbitt. "Vulvena isn't going to come after you with a blaster, though." Lance leapt into motion, igniting his photon blade and bringing it down toward Leigh. Blue and gold clashed in a cascade of sparks as Leigh ignited her photon blade and brought it up to block. Lance disengaged and swung at Leigh's legs, once again finding her blade there to intercept his. Leigh went on the offensive, stabbing forward in a maneuver that almost brought a tear to Lance's eye with its striking similarity to his slain Master. Dark: What you gonna do? You gonna cry, you big baby? She wasn't as physically conditioned as the Aura Knight had been, which gave Lance the opportunity to grab her wrist. He jerked her toward him and bent her wrist, forcing her to drop the weapon. She collided with him and cried out in protest of the pain in her wrist. "That weapon is your life. Drop it, and you're dead." The hiss of the photon blade igniting in midair was the only warning Lance had before Leigh pushed him away with a shove of Aura force. He blocked her overhand slash and used his own powers to find his feet. Dark: What do you know! They were right there hiding under my beer belly all this time! Both combatants charged each other simultaneously, colliding in a clash of photon blades. They stared into each other's eyes, locked in a stalemate with their blades above their heads. Sweat rolled down both their faces, and they breathed heavily. Dark: Through their mouths, most likely. Suddenly, Leigh leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. The hiss of two proton blades extinguishing preceded the sound of the weapons clattering to the floor. She pushed her hand beneath his trousers to feel the hardness of his prick while she kissed him hungrily. She gasped as their lips parted, and then again when he grasped her jacket and jerked, popping open all the buttons. He pulled off his shirt as she jerked down his trousers. Dark: Gasped and grasped and jerked and popped. Does this sound like a Roadrunner cartoon in anyone else's head? Makor: Meep, Meep. They moved toward the Raptor, tearing off clothing all along the way. Both were nude when they reached the entrance ramp. Lance sucked her right nipple and her hand stroked his dick while she humped against his leg. Dark: No! Down, Princess! Somebody get a garden hose! Script: I think the finishing school owes someone a refund. Leigh pulled his lips away from her tit and dropped to her knees. Lance growled and grabbed her hair as she sucked his prick into her mouth. She slurped up and down his shaft with wild abandon, her hair whipping back and forth. He let her suck him for a few strokes, and then pulled her upward by the hair. Her mouth felt incredible, but that wasn't where he wanted his dick. He spun her around as soon as she regained her feet. Dark: And then dipped her, getting in some practice for when he eventually joins a b-list cast of washed up performers on Dancing with the Stars. She knew exactly what he wanted, and bent over to grasp a crossbar of the entrance ramp. Lance stepped in behind her and pushed his cock inside her. "Fuck me hard, Lance," Leigh groaned as his dick filled her pussy. Lance responded by slamming his hips forward hard enough that she had to grab the bar tighter. He pulled one hand from her hips to smack her heart-shaped ass as he drove his pussy splitter home. Dark: Can someone please drive me home? Or off a cliff? Either is preferable to suffering through this. "Fuck me. Spank my ass. Do it," she demanded in a combination of gasps and squeals. Lance bent over her and grabbed her tits, squeezing them and pinching the nipples while he continued to pound her sloppy canal. Dark: That's it, I'm not poling this gondola one more inch until someone cleans up this sloppy canal! When he stood back up, he slammed his dick into her even harder, grunting with exertion with each thrust. Leigh let out a broken scream when she started cumming. Lance kept pounding her, about to blow his load too. When he knew he was going to cum, he pulled his prick out of her cunt with a gasp. He grabbed his dick, Dark: And snapped out one white-gloved hand with a scream. Go Moonwalker! Err... Starseeker! but Leigh spun around and dropped to her knees before he could stroke it more than once. Leigh sucked her pussy juice off his dick until he busted a nut in her mouth. She let him go with a long slurp when he stopped pumping cream. Dark: Reliving his brief career at Starbucks. Script: I'll never look at a Caramel Frapp the same way. She stood up and walked up the ramp as he leaned against the support bars of the entrance ramp. He grunted and followed her sexy ass up the ramp, knowing she'd suck him hard again in a few minutes. "I will never understand humans," DP chided as he picked up discarded clothing. **** Lance grunted and shrugged. Dark: This guy grunts more than Tim Allen. "Couldn't be helped. We had to contact the other rebel pockets in order to coordinate everything to happen at once. The Fempire was going to triangulate and find us eventually. We'll just have to hope it wasn't too soon." Dark: "What, like that scene we skipped in the ship, one minute wonder?" LST3K Ep. 08: The Fandom Menace Leigh turned to the assembled rebels and announced, "I won't ask any of you to stay. The Fempire will hit us harder than anywhere else. They know we're at the center of the rebellion. Vulvena will certainly lead the assault, and it's well known that she prefers castration over incarceration in the Halls of Collection." Dark: I'm out! I have a doctor's appointment. Yeah, that's it. Malkor: Dentist! I have a dentist appointment! I'm going for a root canal. If I can survive this story that root canal will be nothing. Script: Make mine a Lobotomy. The leader of the rebels stepped forward as the murmurs died down to say, "We'll all stay, Princess. If we fail here, there will be nowhere to hide." "Saves us the trouble of figuring out how to get to the black-hearted bitch. We couldn't have planned it better, really." Lance slapped the handle of his photon blade against his palm. "We should be able to eliminate the Femtroopers at each base with the short-range transmitters. That should work long enough for everyone to get the subspace signals up and running. Once we start broadcasting that, the Fempire is going to crumble. The women who follow the grand bitch by choice are too few to keep things together." Dark Helmet: *turns toward the camera* Did everybody get that? "How long?" Leigh asked. Dark: Because she barely felt it. "We probably couldn't have escaped if we'd chosen to. The first ships are already dropping out of hyperspace," the leader of the rebellion revealed. Lance threw off his vest and lifted a boot to tighten the straps. Everyone knew he was preparing for the most dangerous fight of his life. "Stand by that short range transmitter, Leigh. The others are needed to get the long range ones online. Wait until the last second. We need to make sure it hits as many of them as possible." "Gods be with us all." Dark: See? Hell, even he knew that "May the Aura be with you" sounded lame. **** "The fleet is in place, Mistress Vulvena. There will be no escape." "Dispatch the ground forces at once. Remind them that the rebel leaders are mine." "At once, Mistress Vulvena." Vulvena smiled at the image of Orgasma on the monitor. "With this blow, Dark: *snicker* No joke required. all that was ceases to exist. There will be only the Fempire, and we will rule supreme. I know you're down there, Starseeker. Thus die the Aura Knights and their archaic masochism as well." She laughed and spun on her heel with her photon blade already in hand. **** "I hate this," Leigh hissed Script: I'm with you, Princess. as she stared at the monitors, which revealed the Femtroopers marching from their ships in the main hanger. "I should be out there with Lance." The leader of the rebellion continued to punch buttons as he spoke. "You're needed here. We need every hand if we're going to get these long range transmitters ready in time. He won't last long against a Fempire army if you don't broadcast that jamming signal." "That doesn't mean I have to like it." Leigh found that she could feel the approach of the Femtroopers and the dark miasma of Vulvena. Dark: Ever have that not-so-fresh feeling? In the monitor, she saw what her feelings had already told her. Lance ignited his photon blade, knowing that the first troopers were close. The first of the clone soldiers entered the room and aimed her weapon. "That's it," Leigh declared, and activated her transmitter. A moment later she muttered, "What?" The Femtroopers were dropping their weapons and peeling off their armor. The women turned on each other as soon as they removed their armor, not with weapons, but with lips and tongues. Dark: Cue Benny Hill and the chase music! The leader of the rebellion glanced over his shoulder and saw what Leigh was watching in the monitor. "The Femtroopers were originally secreted throughout the galaxy as pleasure workers. More skilled than any other woman, immune to disease, and undercutting all existing pleasure houses. The signal you're transmitting reverts their mental programming back to that point." Dark: Enough of this crappy plot gap filler! Get back to the girlie orgy! "I thought it was supposed to disable them." "They are disabled. They know nothing of combat so long as that signal is transmitting." "Vulvena," Leigh growled upon seeing the scowling, black-clad woman sprint from her shuttle, igniting her crimson photon blade as she ran. "Go, we will hold here." Leigh nodded and picked up her own photon blade. She ran toward the hold where Lance stood guard as fast as her legs could carry her. **** Vulvena paid no mind to the writhing bodies and scattered plastisteel littering the halls. She trod on both with equal heartlessness as she charged toward the rebel base with Aura-enhanced speed. The signal that had reduced her army to a writhing, snakelike mass of female flesh would have no effect upon the elite troopers following her. Those had been created for battle, and would not react. A sweep of her hand and a push of the Aura sent two Femtroopers grinding their bodies against each other in the doorway hurtling out of the way. Dark: That sentence was more confusing than tax law. Malkor: *singing* On and On, it just keeps on running. She walked into the room and scowled at Lance, who stood waiting for her with his photon blade drawn. "Your Femtroopers seem a little distracted," Lance taunted. "Not for long, and my elites will arrive soon. You'll be dead long before they arrive," Vulvena warned, moving toward him in a battle ready posture, with her photon blade aimed at his crotch. Dark: *Slips into Sherrif of Rottingham* That's going to chafe my Willy. "You've already tried once," Lance responded with a smug grin. "You're the last of a dead breed. Your precious Knighthood is dead, and its masochistic ways with it." "Not as long as I live." Lance wasted no more time, launching into an Aura-enhanced leap that brought him within striking range. Vulvena blocked the overhand strike and swung her own strike at Lance's crotch. Dark: That's three strikes. Yer out! Lance's blue blade met her crimson one just in time. He disengaged, leaping into a backward somersault. Vulvena charged in, her blade whirling. Light and dark clashed, the hisses and explosions of their flashing photon blades mingling with the sounds of pleasure echoing throughout the base from the coupling Femtroopers. **** Leigh banged her fist on the door and cried out in frustration. Dark: "Did you fall in? I have to tinkle!" Malkor: Hell with tinkling I have to barf! Dark: Half man, half dog. He's his own best friend! Something on the other side was in the way, and the safety protocols were preventing the door from opening. She raised her wrist and called to her Attendbot, "Em-Eight, override this door!" M8 beeped a response over the communicator while Leigh nervously listened to the sound of crashing photon blades on the other side. **** The thunderous crackles and explosions of the clashing photon blades rang out alongside grunts of exertion from the combatants and cries of ecstasy from the coupling Femtroopers. Dark: Isn't this the exact same paragraph that ended the last scene? Last week on Porn Wars... Malkor: Oh, how cute, the author tried to build a bridge. Dark: If natural selection actually worked, he would have drowned in the process. Vulvena and Lance disengaged with simultaneous pushes from the Aura, forcing them both to backflip to regain their feet several yards apart. "Not so easy to cut down an Aura Knight without your Femtroopers blasting me at the same time, is it?" Vulvena circled with a smile, hearing the sounds of her elite Femtroopers approaching. "I simply awaited an audience for my final victory. I'll show you the folly of refusing me admittance into the Aura Knights because I was born female." Script: "Are you sure? Those breasts don't look real to me." "You could have had a dick a foot long and we'd have refused you. Dark: But only because it would have given them inferiority complexes. You were always dangerous," Lance snapped back, taking up a defensive posture as he heard the footsteps of the elite Femtroopers. "Lies," Vulvena spat Dark: A lady doesn't spit, she swallows. Malkor: And if she gargles, she's just showing off. as she signaled to her Femtroopers to hold their fire. "Not one member of your arrogant order would have ever considered a woman anything more than a brood mare." Script: Of course! Turning them into blow-up dolls was a much better idea! Two cries of alarm erupted from the rear of the room as the groping Femtroopers blocking the door were pushed out of the way. Lance didn't look, but Vulvena did. "Ah, Leigh. You'll soon enough return to your place. Watch the last of the Aura Knights die, and with him your rebellion." Lance couldn't help but smile and chuckle at Vulvena's expression of surprise when Leigh whipped out her weapon. Dark: Whenever you're in doubt... "I don't think so, you cunt," Leigh sneered as she moved to Lance's side with her photon blade held before her. "No!" Vulvena shouted when the Femtroopers raised their weapons again. "I'll kill both of them myself." She leapt forward with no warning, Script: Except for the promise to kill them. her blade humming through the air. Twin blades of blue and gold crossed to block Vulvena's strike. The two Aura Knights disengaged and attacked simultaneously. Vulvena blocked Lance's thrust toward her abdomen, and the follow-through continued to deflect a strike from Leigh. Vulvena understood the real intent of Leigh's attack when great locks of her dark tresses fell to the floor. Dark: *Princess Vespa* My hair! She shot my hair! Son-of-a-bitch! Leigh dodged the vengeful thrust that followed as Lance launched another attack. The Princess felt more confident and powerful with every passing second. Photon blades clashed in a deafening roar, but only Leigh's first strike had touched another opponent. Lance and Leigh both felt it at the same time. They were prepared for the great disturbance in the Aura caused by the galaxy-wide result of the rebellion. Throughout the galaxy, men awakened within the Halls of Collection to wrench free of the machines sucking their seed. Dark: Gonna have to call bullshit. No man is wrenching free of anything he wakes up and finds sucking him. Malkor: I'll have to agree with you on that one. Script: *snerk* Femtroopers fell to their lust as the control that made them warriors ceased. Wherever women saw the holograms of couples fucking, the mind control of the Fempire slipped away. Script: This implies a level of intelligence I'm not sure is in this galaxy. Vulvena was not prepared, and flinched as she felt her power weakening. Lance and Leigh both took advantage of the momentary distraction, but it was Leigh's blow that struck true. Her golden blade seared through black plastisteel and flesh, cutting off the tip of Vulvena's right breast. Dark: Breast reduction surgery — half off! Malkor: We get tips on this gig? Vulvena fell back with a hiss of pain, covering her wounded breast with one hand while she deflected following strikes from both Leigh and Lance. "Attack now," she called to her Femtroopers. The Femtroopers raised their weapons, but suddenly found that they were outnumbered. Men boiled from the back of the room, firing blasters that dropped the surprised Femtroopers. "You're beaten, Vulvena," Lance declared. "The Fempire is gone. I know you can feel it." Malkor: "I could never feel anything as pathetic as your wretched excuse for a cock." "Never!" Vulvena shrieked and launched forward into a desperate, adrenaline-fueled leap. Lance barely managed to hold off Vulvena's assault, surprised by the strength of her blow. Leigh was ready though. Dark: Even the fight is porn. Vulvena's eyes widened as Leigh's golden blade slipped through ebon plastisteel and flesh. Dark: Sounds like a teaser scene from some Lesbian Toy Time video. As the dark woman's blood red blade shrank into nothingness, Dark: Guess she and Lance have something in common. Lance and Leigh also extinguished their weapons to the sound of cheering from the rebels. Somewhere below it all, the sounds of the coupling Femtroopers continued to echo through the hidden bunker. **** Leigh stepped around a man and woman furiously coupling in the middle of the palace floor. "How long is this going to last?" Lance chuckled. "The regular people will recover in a couple of days, but we have thousands of insatiable Femtroopers on the loose. So long as they're running around naked licking and sucking anything in sight, the men are going to be pretty distracted." Dark: Femtroopers gone wild! Malkor: Order right now and you'll also get our behind the scenes video. "Not just the men," Leigh coyly suggested. Lance gazed at her with a question in his eyes. "Not everything about the Fempire was bad," Leigh responded with a wink. "For one thing, the new Aura Knights are going to be coed. Right?" Dark: Coed? How out of dialect is that? Script: Like...totally. "I'm in no mood to challenge you to a duel over it." "I can't believe the Empress escaped," Leigh lamented. "Her power's broken. She's no threat now." "Now," Leigh countered ominously. She walked up to the throne and turned back to look over the room. Dark: "The paper is on the sink," Lance informed her. Malkor: And don't forget to use the spray. Six couples and larger groups were either fucking or relaxing afterward within sight. The sounds of others doing the same emerged from everywhere. Leigh still felt excited even now, more than a day after the duel with Vulvena. The sight of Lance approaching caused her nipples to stiffen and wetness to seep between her legs. Leigh licked her lips and purred, "Speaking of now..." Lance chuckled and unhooked his trousers as Leigh turned to jerk down her borrowed pants. Dark: Light a match! She bent over with her hands on the throne and wiggled her ass in invitation. M8 let out a sound like a wolf whistle, prompting DP to agree, "Yes, Em-Eight. I'm quite glad to see the two of them enjoying themselves as well." He then turned to his counterpart to discover the true source of the Attendbot's whistling. M8 was happily thrusting his plastisteel dildo into a trembling and squealing woman. "I will never understand you or humans, Em-Eight," DP sighed. He then let out a gasp of surprise as his own plastisteel cock sprang forth from a hidden compartment. Dark: Insert cartoon diving board sound here. He turned to find a woman with massive hooters Dark: Great horned owls? Script: Aren't those endangered? Or maybe that was dangerous..*shrugs* Dark: It's a dangerous animal! Throw it in the trough! pressing the switch that activated the function. Dark: She pressed the switch with her massive hooters? Malkor: Maybe she's trying to "tune in Tokyo." "Oh dear. I believe there is some sort of mistake," DP asserted. Dark: Yeah, the author for writing this, and me for reading it. Malkor: Thank god, another drink. I never would have made it through this without my trusty bottle. She wouldn't take no for an answer, and DP got an extensive lesson in human/cyborg relations. Dark: *Groan* Malkor: *Retch* Script: *Gag* The sounds of pleasure echoed throughout the galaxy. Dark: While the sound of retching echoes throughout the audience. ***LST3K********** This one comes from a fan, and I'm not entirely sure whether he meant this as a serious story, satire, or whether he pounded this one out after a case of Heineken and a bag full of magic mushrooms. Regardless, he realized his folly before posting it, and sent it to me to see if I could edit it into something workable. As I tried to think of a genteel way to inform him that I saw little hope of salvaging it, he sent me an email saying that exact thing, and told me to spoof it. What's here is his story with a touch of me doing my best to turn it into something. I tried for serious, and then tried for satire... It ended up a stinker, no matter what. He's learned a lot, I believe, and thankfully hasn't given up after his first attempt to write. Here's hoping that he comes out with a story soon to atone for this abominable piece of fanfic gone horribly wrong. He's a good sport, as is anyone who donates a story for me to slice-n-dice. Give him an anonymous round of applause, because that's how he wants to remain. Big thanks to Script and Malkor for hopping on board the Literary Titanic with me to go down with this ship. I know I laughed out loud when I saw their lines for the first time, so I'm sure the same is going on out there. This stinker got exactly what it deserved with the addition of their razor sharp wit! So, until next time... Keep circulating the links!