2 comments/ 23445 views/ 3 favorites Humper-Sex-X Sleep System Ch. 01 By: BOSTONFICTIONWRITER I bought a new mattress today. Actually, it is our second new mattress in as many weeks. We returned the first mattress that supposedly retailed for $2,400 that we bargained down to $1,700. The mattress is nearly as firm as concrete. I liked it, my girlfriend, who has a bad back from horseback riding, didn’t. She said it was too soft. “Okay? Whatever?” We bought the mattress from Me Sleepy, a big mattress chain store that only sells mattresses or, as they are now referred to as, sleep systems. When did mattresses suddenly cost more than what cars used to cost? Oh, I see, when cars now cost what houses used to cost. I figured, where better to buy a mattress than from one of Snow White’s dwarfs and not just any of the dwarfs, but from the one, aptly named, Sleepy. You’d have to be pretty dopey to buy a mattress from Dopey. Don’t you think? Although, Lazy, may have some good input on which mattress to buy, my money was with Sleepy or in this case, Me Sleepy. Anyway… By the way, perhaps, I am politically incorrect and should refer to dwarfs as little people. To all you dwarfs, er little people out there, please accept my apology. I meant no insult. I think, though, that if I was a little person, I’d rather be referred to as a dwarf. Don’t you think? Dwarf gives me an accurate image of the person. Little people, on the other hand, sounds so insignificant, like the little woman or that little shit or that little slut, no slight intended. I’m just making an analogy. Back to Me Sleepy’s, after already having bought and returned the first mattress, we walked in the store again. There are about 5 dozen mattresses by all the top manufacturers on display. My girlfriend immediately narrows our mattress selection by telling the salesman that, because of her bad back, she needs a very firm mattress. As matter of fact, the last mattress that she bought, before the one we just returned, was called, “The Brick”. When I heard my girlfriend say, “The Brick”, my blood ran cold and I felt bad for the salesman. I figured that she had unduly pressured him to suggest a mattress equally as hard as “The Brick”. He wasn’t fazed or intimidated by the mere mention of “The Brick”. He suggested five of his firmest mattresses, all by five different manufacturers. After she tried each one, it was only then that he escorted her over to a sixth selection, but an expensive alternative, the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System. “WTF? Did you hear that music? No? Never mind.” “Now, if you really want a good mattress, one that has a 20 year warranty, and one that will give you a good night’s sleep, the Humper-Sex Sleep System is the one that I suggest,” he said. “Did you hear that? Every time the phrase Humper-Sex Sleep System…there it is again…is mentioned or, in this instance, written, I hear a lullaby playing. Maybe it’s just in my mind. Okay, never mind.” One by one, increasing gradually in price, the first price starting higher than the top of the line other mattress that we just returned, he had her try each one. I was nervous. My throat was dry fearing my bank account being drained to pay not for a trip to Clearwater Florida or the Florida Keyes, not even to Disney World Cruise or for fun in Mexico, but for a lousy mattress. I intently watched her lying on each mattress as would Goldilocks try out the beds of the three bears. It was then when she was trying each mattress that I wished she had worn her short denim skirt, the one with the buttons down the front. Man, that would have been hot watching her flash her panties to the salesman and to the other customers who happened by her. “This one is too soft. This one is too soft. This one is too soft.” I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look. “And this one feels just right.” My eyes popped open and I literally ran from the cheaper, hotel brand of mattress, that I was psychically directing her, to the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System section. “There! Did you hear that? It was Brahms’ Lullaby. Every time I mention the phrase Humper-Sex Sleep System. See? Did you hear it again? Brahm’s Lullaby plays in the background. Okay, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it.” She bypassed the Humper Sex-R, at $1,500 for a Queen set, didn’t even try the Humper Sex-S at $1,700 or the Humper Sex-T at $2,000. She tried the Humper Sex-U at $2,600 and didn’t like it and the Humper Sex-V at $2,900 and kind of liked that. It wasn’t until he showed her the pillow top Humper Sex-W at $3,500 that she found one that she really liked. Then, the evil salesman, who obviously works on commission and who has no regard for someone like me who would rather spend his money on fun and leisure in Las Vegas, than on rest and sleep at home, directed her to the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System at $4,500 and she loved it. When he tried to take her over to the $6,200 Humper Sex-XXX, I pulled him aside and whispered in his ear that I would kill his dog if he suggested anymore mattresses. Apparently, I hit a chord because his love for his dog was greater than his need for more commission. I don’t know, maybe, because of my red face with the vein protruding from my forehead, my eyes bugging out of my head, and the drool hanging from my lip, he felt that I was serious and stopped suggesting anymore mattresses. We bought the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System for $4,500, twice what my father paid for his 1965 Chevrolet Impala station wagon when he bought it new. I have to admit that it is the best mattress that I have ever had. Only, and they should post disclaimers on the mattress cover and warn people of this, but… To be continued... Humper-Sex-X Sleep System Ch. 02 She bypassed the Humper-Sex-R Sleep System Queen set, at $1,500, didn't even try the Humper-Sex-S Sleep System at $1,700 or the Humper-Sex-T Sleep System at $2,000. She tried the Humper-Sex-U Sleep System at $2,600 and didn't like it and the Humper-Sex-V Sleep System at $2,900 and kind of liked that. It wasn't until he showed her the pillow top Humper-Sex-W Sleep System at $3,500 that she found one that she really liked. Then, the evil salesman, who obviously works on commission and who has no regard for someone like me, someone who would rather spend his money on fun and leisure in Las Vegas, than on rest and sleep at home, directed her to the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System at $4,500 and she loved it. Not to mention, after sales tax, delivery charge, mattress pad, pillows, and extra for splitting the box spring from one piece to two, the price was $5,200. Gulp, I need a drink. When he tried to take her over to the $6,200 Humper-Sex-XXX Sleep System, that after tax, delivery, pillows and split box spring, would have cost around $7,500, I pulled him aside and whispered in his ear that I would kill his dog if he suggested anymore mattresses. Apparently, I hit a sensitive chord because his love for his dog, a Golden Retriever, named Goldie, he later told me in a tear choked voice, was greater than his need for more commission. I don't know, maybe, because of my red face with the vein protruding from my forehead, my eyes bugging out of my head, and the drool hanging from my lip, he felt that I was serious and stopped suggesting anymore mattresses. We bought the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System for $4,500, twice what my father paid for his 1965 Chevrolet Impala station wagon when he bought it new. He threw the pillows in for free when I growled at him. I have to admit that it is the best damn mattress that I have ever had. WARNING: For those who thought this is a mattress story, please leave now. Yes, the first part was all about mattresses, but the rest of the story is X-rated and graphically explicit. Please leave now if you are under the age of 18-years-old, a Bible thumbing religious zealot or if you find sexual content and pornography offensive. (For those women who are beautiful, available, horny, and hot and, who think that I am creative, funny, and zany...e-mail me.) Especially since it is drawing near the holidays, I don't want to offend anyone. For the rest of you, get ready to get off, because what follows is unbelievable. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the story has been creatively enhanced to align itself with the X-rated stories expected on Literotica, the web site of free erotic stories. AN ASIDE: Even though my name on Literotica is Bostonficitonwriter, all of my stories are true, of course. What follows is a true and detailed depiction of what happened once I brought home the $4,500 Humper-Sex-X Sleep System mattress. "There it is again that music, Brahms' lullaby: Lullaby and good night, In the sky stars are bright, Around your head flowers gay, Set your slumbers till day. Lullaby and good night, In the sky stars are bright, Around your head flowers gay, Set your slumbers till day. Close your eyes, Now and rest, May these hours, Be blessed. Close your eyes, Now and rest, May these hours, Be blessed. Did you hear it?" Well, I don't know about the lyrics. To me, the song sounds better when I just hum it. Anyway... For those of you, who need it, get yourself a glass of wine or a mug of beer or your smokes. I'll wait before continuing. Sure, we still have time for you to get the hand cream, paper towels, and/or your favorite dildo. There's no rush, no pressure, it's just a story. Okay, you ready? You're not going to believe this, but it is all true, cross my heart and hope to die. I swear on my mother's grave, and I don't have my fingers crossed. So, we had the mattress delivered the same day and I was really looking forward to, you know, breaking in the mattress, as I did with the other mattress that we returned. Only, as soon as my girlfriend put her head on the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System (there's that freaking music again, enough already with the sucky song) pillow (yeah we bought the you-know-who pillows, too at $200 each, which the salesman ended up giving us them for nothing when I growled at him) she fell fast asleep. Actually, the you-know-who pillows feel like sandbags, but once you get used to their firmness, they are quite comfortable. "Honey? Honey? Are you sleeping?" I inadvertently put my glass of wine down on the mattress and stood on the bed jumping up and down trying to make sure that she was sleeping. "Sweetie? Hello? Are you sleeping?" Nothing. She was gone to the world and my wine didn't even spill a drop. Gees, that's amazing that I can actually not only walk on the mattress but also jump up and down on the bed without my glass of wine spilling and making a staining mess. Hey, what the Hell, no harm done. I peeled back the blanket and lifted her nightgown, dabbed a little of that oozy jell that we keep on the nightstand for special occasions, such as this, and inserted myself. She'll never know. Besides, she prefers sex with me, this way, unconscious sex. Man, we, er I went to town having sex. I was really banging her until I exploded a load of cum in her pussy. This was the best kind of sex that I have ever had with her, dead sex. Only, don't be mistaken and let it be known that I am not into necrophilia. Okay, there was that one time that I was alone with that naked girl at the morgue, but I was drunk and horny, and that was the only time and a very long time ago, and way before the sex registry. Anyway, sometimes having sex with my girlfriend, because of her yawning and snoring, and lack of participation without any dirty talking, screaming or humping, I could be accused of having sex with the dead. Usually, the below scenario is what generally happens when we, er I have sex with my girlfriend. "Honey?" "What?" "Oh, I was just checking. I thought you were dead for a minute there." "No, unfortunately, I'm still alive." She looked at her watch. "Are you almost done with me? It's been nearly two minutes." She made a face, as if she just ate a sour pickle. "Are you trying to break your record or something?" "Well, you know, Sweetie Pie, if you put that book down for a minute and allowed yourself to enjoy the moment, er, couple of minutes, uhm, never mind. I just came off." "Good. Get off me please." I rolled off her and she put the book down, turned off the light, and immediately fell asleep. The mattress, I won't mention the brand because I am sick of hearing the song, is unbelievable. Only, I discovered something about the mattress, and they should post disclaimers on the mattress cover and warn people of this, but... Are you home alone? Come here. Get closer to the screen because I want to keep this between you and me. Closer. C'mon, I took a shower today and used mouthwash and deodorant. Okay, you promise you won't tell anyone? C'mon, give me your word. I don't want everyone finding out about this, but... To be continued... Humper-Sex-X Sleep System Ch. 03 I rolled off her and she put the book down, turned off the light, and immediately fell asleep. The mattress, I won't mention the brand because I am sick of hearing the song, is unbelievable. Only, I discovered something about the mattress, and they should post disclaimers on the mattress cover and warn people of this, but... Are you home alone? Come here. Get closer to the screen because I want to keep this between you and me. Closer. C'mon, I took a shower today and used mouthwash and deodorant. Okay, you promise you won't tell anyone? C'mon, give me your word. I don't want everyone finding out about this, but... A lot of people have heard about a Humper-Sex-X Sleep System, fuck, there's that God damn song, again, but have never tried it. Many are drawn to it like they are when in a new city and they want to visit a church, you know. As soon as I mentioned about the you-know-which-brand of mattress, I had people, women, since all my friends are women, who want to try it. "Really? You bought a Humper-Sex-X Sleep System?" I covered my ears as soon as she said the brand name, so that I wouldn't have to listen to that damn music again. "Yeah, we bought the Sex-X Sleep System." Good, no music. "What's it like? How does it feel?" "Do you want to try it, Audrey?" "Yeah, but let me go home and get my nightgown." Nightgown? Is she serious? She is. She just left to get her nightgown. I don't believe this. Not five minutes later, Audrey returned carrying her nightgown in her hand. "Come up to the master suite." I followed behind her so that I could peek at her panties up her short dress that swayed with the movement of her round, firm ass, er, I mean so that I could catch her should she suddenly get dizzy and fall backwards, God forbid. "Do you have a place where I can slip into my nightgown?" "Uhm, no, the bathroom is out of order." "All three of them?" "Renovations. Sorry." "But, you can change here and I'll cover my face with my hand and promise not to peek." "Okay, but remember, you promised not to peek, Freddie." "Yes, Audrey, don't worry, you are safe with me. Who am I if not a man of my word? Besides, I'm not much into sex, not at all, not really, kind of addicted to it." I put my hand to my face, but in the Vulcan salute. You know the one they used on Star Trek with the fingers are splayed. Oh, my God, I could not believe it when Audrey pulled her top over her head and unzipped her skirt. There she stood before me in her bra and panties. I don't know about you, but seeing a woman in her bra and panties is so much more erotic than seeing a woman naked, that is, unless she is naked and in bed with me. She reached around back and unhooked her bra. I watched her remove her bra, seeing it as if it was in slow motion. She had nice B cup tits with pink, puffy nipples. Then, she shimmied out of her panties showing me her landing strip of pubic hair and the side of her curvaceous ass before slipping her satin, form fitting, short and low cut nightgown over her head. Damn, she has a nice body. "Okay, you can remove your hand from your face now, Freddie" she said as she sat on the bed, put her legs up, and laid her head on the pillow. "So, what do you think, Audrey? Do you like it? Audrey? Hello? Audrey!" In less than a minute she was sound asleep. Of course, I thought the worst. I figured she needed resuscitation. Never having taken a course in Red Cross first aid even when I was a Boy Scout, I improvised. I put my lips to her lips and stuck my tongue in her mouth figuring that this was the correct way to resuscitate a good looking woman who was in my bedroom and on my bed in her nightgown and not wearing panties. Even though she was sleeping, er, in need of resuscitation, she responded to my French kiss, er mouth to mouth resuscitation. Next, I checked her for a pulse, checking both of her breasts and concentrating on her nipples, er, I mean feeling for a heart beat, and only stopping to finger her clit and finger fuck her hole, er, I mean, taking her temperature. Already, she was wet, a good sign that she was still alive and only sleeping. Thank God. I was so happy that she was not dead, although, it probably would not have made much of a difference. I mean, sex is sex, you know, and any port in a storm, and all of that. Nonetheless, being the gracious host that I am, I wanted to give her the same experience testing out the bed that I gave my girlfriend. Hey, it's only the polite thing to do. What are friends for, if we cannot take advantage of one another, er, I mean, show her the simple pleasure of a Humper-Sex-X Sleep System bed. "God damn, I really hate that song, now." I stripped myself naked, added a bit of that oozy gel to her pussy, and mounted her. Man, I was fucking her like she was the last woman on Earth. She was a good lay, too. Unlike my dead girlfriend, she started moving her hips. Whatever dream she was having must have been a good one because she was fucking me back in her sleep. After a couple of minutes, when I was done with her, I woke her up by splashing cold water in her eyes. "Oh, sorry, did I fall asleep? This is a great mattress, Freddie. Only, I had this weird dream that I was briefly being examined by my gynecologist. Weird, huh?" "Yeah, weird. Well, thanks for coming by Audrey, I need you to leave now because I have Jenna coming at Noon. She made an appointment yesterday to try the mattress. "Oh, okay, Freddie, well, thanks for everything." "Wait, Audrey, you can't leave wearing your nightgown. My neighbors will talk." "He's been so very happy," I suddenly imagined my neighbors gossiping, "since he bought that Humper-Sex-X Sleep System mattress. He never stops singing that Brahms lullaby. It's annoying after a while." "You can change into your clothes and I'll cover my face, again with my hand." Again, I did the Vulcan salute splaying my fingers apart as I watched her get naked, as she removed her nightgown, slipped on her panties, put on her bra, wiggled into her skirt, and slipped her top over her head. God, I love my Humper-Sex-X Sleep System. There's that music, again. Only, now, I even like that song. The End