7 comments/ 27712 views/ 0 favorites Frieda the Cat By: MathGirl At the age of seventeen, Jack Vincent had experienced a growth spurt during which he gained about five inches in height in four months. This is not an uncommon phenomenon in boys, but in Jack's case his skeletal growth was accompanied by an even more spectacular increase in the size of his genitalia. Jack's dick became a >>. Jack had a group of friends with whom he had grown up, and they were quick to notice the change in their pal's ... equipment in the showers after gym. When his buddy Lenny Ginsburg saw the phenomenal change, he said that Jack's wee wee had turned into a veritable schlong. Another of the guys cautioned Jack to be careful not to get an erection while driving. All the blood rushing to a pecker that size might result in lack of circulation to the brain and cause him to faint. Some of the guys teased him, calling him "Big Banana," or "Horsecock," and a Chicano friend had nicknamed him El Tulungo. Jack had awakened one morning with an erection and measured it on his way to the bathroom. His attempt was futile, though, because his penis was somewhat longer than the ruler. He had to piss too badly to hunt for a yardstick. He had a normal adolescent interest in sex, which is to say that he jacked off incessantly. His dick had gotten so big that he could hold it with both hands like a baseball bat and the head was still exposed; even if he choked up. Jack thought of his outsized joint as an annoyance, because his Jockeys always felt too tight, the guys teased him about it, and it was hard to hide the bulge in his jeans even when his dick was flaccid. After all, he thought, what good is having a schlong if all you do it piss through it and whack it off? An average sized dick would work just as well for those things, and it would be a whole lot more comfortable and convenient to wear around. It wouldn't be the subject of jokes in the gym showers, either. Jack soon learned that his economy sized appendage was more than just inconvenient, it could be downright embarrassing. One morning in English class the lecture was very boring. Jack had tuned out the teacher to concentrate on an erotic daydream featuring himself with several unclothed teenage beauties in the girls' locker room. When the bell rang to end the class, Jack found that he had grown that bane of all healthy teenaged boys; an unintended, unwanted spontaneous erection. It's one thing for the average high schooler to get a stiffy in class, but the boner Jack had germinated in his pants was something else entirely. An unknowing observer might have thought that the lad was concealing a fat submarine sandwich in his jeans. Since his next class was clear across campus, Jack couldn't just sit there and wait for his recalcitrant rod to deflate. The best he could do was to hold his binder in front of himself when he stood up. This was awkward, but it beat walking around looking like he had a jumbo zuccini in his trousers. During his eventful senior year in high school, Jack met the lovely Miss Cheri Owens, and they became sweethearts. They exchanged class rings, went everywhere together, and shared some passionate presex education in the backseats of cars parked in orange groves. Cheri was a strict not-below-my-waist sort of girl, but she was an enthusiastic kisser and even allowed Jack to fondle her breasts on occasion. Cheri may not have been quite beautiful and slightly overweight, but she had an ..... outstanding set of knockers. On one occasion, Cheri let Jack unclasp her bra, and he would never forget his first feel of those warm, plump boobies. Did Madame Thumb and her four lovely daughters ever get a workout after that! Jack would lie in bed with the image of Cheri's firm, smooth titties in his mind and choke his jumbo sized gopher until it was raw. After several months of dating, Jack had persuaded Cheri that jerking him off would be neither a ..... stain on her virginity or a mortal sin, and she was nice enough to treat him to a weekly handjob in the back seat of his father's Oldsmobile. After twice having only feeble lies for her mother about the dried spatters on her clothing, the fastidious Cheri started carrying a wad of Kleenex in her purse on Saturday evening dates. She became adroit in the use of these tissues at .... crucial moments, thereby preventing unwanted deposits on their clothing or the headliner of the Vincent family sedan. Since Jack's was the only penis she had ever seen or handled, Cheri naturally assumed that a fat fourteen inches was about average for a man. After high school, Cheri and Jack went off to different colleges, and their romance gradually faded away. When Cheri was a junior, a date got her drunk, and she lost her virginity. After that, Cheri became somewhat sexually active and sampled the wares of several college men. Until about her fourth or fifth lover, she thought she had been coincidentally picking men with abnormally small genitalia. Only after conversations with other coeds in her dormitory did Cheri realize that the dick she had handled so well and so often in high school was, in fact, one in a million. As a college freshman, the eighteen year old Jack Vincent, in the company of several friends, attended his first pornographic movie at a XXX theater. This was in the days before VCRs became available, and the only way to watch a dirty movie was to go to a run down, extremely dark theater, most of whose patrons wore raincoats regardless of the weather. During that era, the male star of the porno movie industry was one John "Johnny Wadd" Holmes. Mr Holmes wielded an enormous uncircumcised penis through literally hundreds of blue movies, to the delight and sometimes discomfort of his leading ladies. Jack was unimpressed with Holmes' equipment, though, because he had a penis just as large right there in his own pants. What's more, Jack was well built and rather nice looking, whereas Holmes was skinny and butt ugly. After the movie his fellow theatergoers were speaking in wonderment about the size of the actor's dick. Jack, in a moment of uncharacteristic immodesty, mentioned that he didn't think there was anything special about it. He was the owner-operator of a specimen at least as large as the one they had seen on the screen. Doubts were voiced and bets were offered as Jack's companions called his bluff. One thing led to another, and Jack had no choice but to ..... expose himself in the back seat of a 1971 Chevy. One glance sufficed to show the movie fans that Jack hadn't been bluffing at all. His friends were both aghast and impressed at the size of his tool, and he pocketed a tidy sum when the bets were paid. Needless to say, Jack was held in much esteem among his peers. Once the girlfriend of one of the theatergoers greeted Jack on campus by giggling and saying, "Hi, Horsie," so he knew that word of his endowment had spread. This caused him no small embarrassment, and he wished he had kept his thoughts and his pecker to himself in the back seat of that Chevy. Jack had an excellent academic record in college, but his romantic life during that period was less gratifying. Being a handsome and personable young man, he dated numerous attractive coeds, and he even became serious about several of them. None of these relationships came to their expected ... climax, however. At first in parked cars and later in his modest student apartment, Jack had managed to remove the clothing of several of these young ladies, their willingness often enhanced by cheap wine. At the critical moment when Jack's erect organ was displayed for the first time to the eager coeds, exclamations such as, "Oh, my God!," "Not with that thing, you're not!," or "How about a nice handjob?" would be heard. Sadly, at twenty testosterone-fueled years of age, Jack Vincent remained a virgin. On one slow, dateless Saturday night at the fraternity house, Jack and several of his friends got themselves drunk on Bullseye beer ($1.59 a case in those days). Bullseye was known on the campus to be a dangerous substance, because even moderate amounts of the brew had unfortunate effects on the undergraduate physiology. Excessive consumption of the improperly aged beer often lead to projectile diarrhea lasting three to four days, a syndrome known on campus as the "Bullseye Thin Dirties." The accompanying hangover was of equal duration and severity and made the suffering caused by unpredictable bowels just that much more miserable. Innumerable student class-days had been lost to the malady. The only thing attractive about Bullseye was its price, and it was undeniably cheap. Yes, Bullseye beer had a well deserved reputation on campus, and only scholarship athletes were stupid enough to drink it more than once. On the night in question, an inebriated Jack had bemoaned to his fraternity brothers the fact that he remained virgo intacto at what he considered an advanced age. Being sympathetic to Jack's situation, his buddies (of whom three of the four were virgins themselves but lied about it) pooled their funds and offered to treat him to a visit to a bordello. Jack didn't know what a bordello was, thinking vaguely that it was probably some sort of amusement park. He was sufficiently intoxicated to try anything, though, and he eagerly accepted the invitation. The five young men piled into the Chevy, drove unsteadily to the seedy part of the city, and trooped noisily into the only whorehouse in the area. The place was so disreputable that it was shunned even by cops who could have gotten freebies. The establishment was incongrously housed in a building above a gay bar. Jack was too excited to notice that the joint didn't have a merry-go-round or bumper cars. The collegians were greeted at the door by the portly madam, Ms Rosemary Palm. The rotund lady from Texas was a veteran of all phases of the negotiable affection game, having been a call girl, street walker, and bordello whore before assuming her management duties. Rosie's first experience in her chosen profession had happened many years earlier at a rest home for aged chiropractors. The young Ms Palm had been employed as a nursing assistant and drool wiper on the night shift. The job at the rest home had proven quite lucrative, though, because she took advantage of offers presented and became a specialist in the administration of covert nocturnal hand jobs to the geriatric residents of the facility. The elderly patients had little else to spend their pension money on, and they were quite appreciative of Ms Palm's attentions. The fact that they usually fell asleep before even attaining erection had made the job less stressful for both parties. As Rosie once remarked, "Shoot, em ole fahts gimme a twenny up front and bout all I does is hold they limp dick til they starts asnorin. Inna moanin I tellsem what dandy boners theys had the naight befo an whut studs they is, an sometime they slips me twenny mo. Sho a lot easier'n nokkin onna doors at the Mo-tel 6 to see iffun ennabody wanna buy hiseff a blowjawb." "Em ol muffugas'll surprise ya, though. Onest this ol man ha me face down on the baid wit ma pannies down afore Ah knowed whattus hapnin'. Gimme a twenny later en compulmenned me on havin sech a taight pussy fer a nee-gro gal. Sheeiiiit, thet ole bassar hed it up the wrong hole, an' I'us jist bin aclenchin' fer all I'us wuth." Ms Palm's employment at the home had been abruptly terminated when one of the residents bragged to his visiting granddaughter about, "The nee-gro gal what jacks me off a coupla times a week." Alas, years and pounds (two hundred and five of them on her five foot one inch frame) had taken their toll, and Ms Palm had retired from active participation in the profession. She became a highly successful madam, however, and enjoyed the prestige that accompanied her executive position. Having been informed of Jack's delicate condition (virginity), the ever helpful Rosie promised that his celibate days were over. She assigned his case to Ms Elizabeth "Long Liz" Maddux, a six foot two inch, one hundred twenty pound illiterate redhaired woman from the hill country of South Carolina, which she pronounced, "Sawklina." At the age of twenty three, Ms Maddux was a veteran whore who had seen it all and done about a hundred and five percent of it since giving up her amateur status when she was twelve. Having been deflowered by her brother at age nine (the brother was forty three at the time), she had given it away (to numerous members of her immediate family) or had it taken more or less forcibly (by more distant relatives, mere acquaintances, and quite a few total strangers) for three years. At the age of twelve, Liz had realized that she wore her meal ticket just south of her belly button, and she left home never to return. In the following eleven years she had sold it and she had sat on it, but she never, never, ever, ever, under any circumstances gave it away. Nobody in the city knew much about Liz, and she wasn't talking. All Rosemary Palm knew was that Liz had shown up at the whorehouse door about two years before, looking like a very tall escapee from a Nazi concentration camp. She had remarked at the time that Liz was so skinny she only had one side. Ms. Maddux's only possessions at the time she arrived on Rosemary's doorstep were the clothes on her boney back and a virulent infestation of pediculis pubis. After two weeks of rest and a nourishing, high protein diet of chili con carne with beans, pork rinds, moon pies, and vodka, Liz had turned out to be a fairly nice looking, if still rather scrawny, young woman. Her cooties had been eliminated by the shaving of her carrot hued pubic hair and application of liberal quantities of RID, a kerosene based pediculocide. Professionally, Liz was proud of her ability to deal with even the largest penis, saying, "Sheeeeit, affer thet big ol tallywhacker ah ma daddy's, I ain't hardly felt nuttin since. An Ah kin deep thoat a Looieville Slugga." After demonstrating her sword swallowing prowess on the rampant member of Rosie's bouncer-handyman-janitor, one Rasheed "Mule" Hawes, Long Liz was welcomed into the sorority of soiled doves at Ms Palm's place of business. By the time young Jack Vincent made her acquaintance Ms. Maddux had beefed up to 130 pounds, had a good regular clientele, and was a particular favorite among the many well-endowed African-American gentlemen who patronized the establishment. Despite being from the South, Liz was not at all racially prejudiced. She was often heard to say, "Sheeeeit, dem mens, they's alla same ta me. I don' keer a man be brat pupple an gotta yaller pokeydot tallywhacker on hissef, long as he git done quick." On the night in question, Liz got Jack into her room, took one look at his already erect johnson, and experienced a moment of doubt for the first time in her professional career. Lordy! I's had me some whoppas in ma tame, but I ain't nevah seed nuthin lak thet tallywhacker in all my borned days. Jist 'magin, a dingus lak thet onna whate boy! Sweeeeeet Jeeeeeeesuuuuus! Rosie had promised a bonus if she took good care of the college boy, so Liz attempted to outfit Jack's swollen schlong with a condom, per house policy. That was like trying to cover the Washington Monument with a grocery sack, so Liz decided to go bareback, just that once. As the decisive moment arrived, Jack was in that delicate state of equilibrium occasionally attained by sex crazed beer drinkers: The combination of two decades of built up lust and a full bladder had given him a furious erection. Not just an everyday, garden varitey, run-of-the-mill woody, but a blue veined throbber. A real nail driver. At the same time, the alcohol had numbed Jack's sensitivity to the point where orgasm could be delayed almost indefinitely. Good taste forbids a ... blow by blow account of the consummation of the relationship between the two young people, so suffice it to say that it was a lengthy, lusty affair. It took seventy minutes for Long Liz Maddux to relieve Jack Vincent of his virginity, but the job was done very thoroughly. Shortly after commencement of the bout, something startling happened to Liz, a thing she had heard about but thought she would never experience. She had an orgasm for the first time in her life. Not only that, she proceeded to reel off an almost unbroken string of climaxes for the better part of an hour, the only gaps being necessitated by changes of position or orifice. Much to her surprise, Jack's astonishment, and the entertainment of everyone within a radius of several hundred yards, Liz turned out to be a "screamer," that relatively rare sort of female who gives long, loud, shrill voice to her orgasmic pleasures. At the onset of the yelling, the madam, fearing that someone was being disemboweled or skinned alive, pounded on the locked door to Liz's room and called to see if anything was wrong and if she should call 911. The reply through the door was a high pitched and strained, "Naaawww, Rosie .... ....I's okay, it's jist ........ jist .... Oh, ma Gaaaawwwwwwwwd .. Ah ... Ah ... Ah ..... Ah ......... SWEEEEEEET JEEEEEESUUUUUUUS ............ Ah ... Ah .... Ah ........... eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Her shrieks were accompanied by rhythmic squeaks and groans as the mattress and box springs were punished, and thumps were heard throughout the building as the headboard of the old iron bedstead was slammed repeatedly and rhythmically into the wall. Alarms were set off in several vehicles parked nearby, and three neighborhood dogs began howling. After a few minutes everyone in the house, whores, customers, and hangers on alike were gathered in the hallway outside Liz's door to enjoy the show. At least the audio portion. On two occassions there were loud thuds as the lovers fell off the bed onto the floor. The second time it happened, they didn't even notice and continued their coupling on the bare wood. This made such a racket in the homosexual saloon downstairs that two of the patrons came swishing upstairs, hand in hand, to see what the commotion was all about. The ranks of kibitzers then included four whores, three customers, Mule Hawes, Rosemary Palm, the two from downstairs whose interest in heterosexual activity was purely academic, and Mule's calico cat, Frieda. After about an hour, a group of customers in town for a Jehova's Witness convention arrived, and Rosie pounded on the door and yelled at Liz to hurry because business was backing up, and there were three customers waiting for her. Besides that, the spectators were packed in the hallway like sardines. The reply was a shrill, "Peeus awf, ya old bit........ Ah ..... Ah ... Ah ........ SWEEEEEEEEEEEEET JEEEEEEEEEEEESUUUUS!!" Just as some members of the audience were becoming restless, there came the loudest and most urgent screeches yet, the soprano part accompanied by baritone snorts and grunts. One of the listeners said he hadn't heard anything quite like it since hog butchering back home in Arkansas. A opera lover in the audience said it reminded him of the third act of Il Trovatore. Liz finally gave forth an impossibly high pitched shriek followed by a long, plaintive squeal. Then there was a moment of silence followed by the sound of two people gasping for air. Following some feminine sobs and masculine whimpers, all was silent. Rosie softly addressed the audience, "Awright, y'all, le's bust it ep. Show's over and's time ta git on back ta bidness. Hay! Whatter y'all queers adoin' heah? You jist gitcher wimpy asses back down them stairs whur ya belong. This heah's a spectable hoahouse, and tain't no place fer sissies." A few minutes later a fully dressed Jack Vincent came striding into the living room where his fraternity brothers were waiting, chatting with Ms Palm and Mule Hawes. Frieda the Cat To everyone's amazement, Jack looked fresh as a daisy and even somewhat sober. His hair was freshly combed, he had a smile on his face, and there was a spring in his step. In high spirits he said, "Hey, guys, let's go get some more beer. I seem to have worked up one helluva thirst. Don't think I'm gonna be chokin' the old chicken tonight! Yeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaw!" Jack gave the surprised madam a big hug and a smooch on the cheek, then followed his friends out the door. As he left, a nonplussed Rosemary Palm noticed several long streaks of blood on the back of Jack's shirt, that he had his shoes on the wrong feet, and that he was wearing only one white sock. When Rosie went to check on her staff member, she found Long Liz lying in a fetal position underneath a bare mattress that was partially on but mainly off the bed. During the fracas, the sheets had been flung, torn and damp, to various corners of the room, and stuffing was leaking from several tears in the mattress. Liz was naked except for a torn bra that was up in her armpits and around her neck and one Wilson gym sock. When Rosie bent over Liz, she heard soft whimpers, moans, and a whispered, "Sweeeeeet Jeeeeeesuus ..... Sweeeeeeeet Jeeeeesus," repeated over and over again. It was obvious that the young woman was hors de combat. Ever mindful of her clients' convenience and satisfaction, Ms Palm went out to assign the customers waiting for Liz to other members of her household at a discount rate. She then managed to lay the nearly comatose whore out on the floor. Rosie repaired the rips in the mattress with duct tape and made up the bed with almost clean sheets and a blanket. With the help of a brawny prostitute named Phoebe Ann "Moose" Arbuckle, Rosie got the torn bra off Liz, put her in bed and left the single sock on her foot, wondering where the mate was. Deciding that her patient needed a restorative, Ms Palm sent Moose Arbuckle to prepare Liz's favorite cocktail, vodka in a glass. After she dantily downed the eight ounce libation in three gulps, Ms Maddux regained unconsciousness and remained in that state for thirteen hours. On the way back to the car with his friends, Jack insisted that he had to urinate. No, he couldn't wait until they got back to campus, he was about to bust and had to go right then. In a convenient vacant lot, the no longer celibate Jack relieved himself mightily while leaning against a cyclone fence. To the amazement of his companions, he somehow managed to lose consciousness while standing there, and they were unable to revive him. His stream continued unabated, he didn't fall down, but he was out cold. Having lost a coin toss, one friend managed to stuff Jack's penis back into his pants, getting his ankle slightly damp in the process. Then the four carried their unconscious fraternity brother to the car. Still unable to arouse Jack when they got back to campus, they decided to leave him stretched out on the back seat of the Chevy. One friend was thoughtful enough to bring out a blanket and cover the comatose ex-virgin. Jack was rudely and painfully awakened at dawn when a student fired up his unmuffled Harley Davidson in the next parking space. After a few minutes, Jack realized approximately where he was and staggered into the fraternity house. Trailing his blanket behind, he looked much like a sleepy two year old on his way to beddy bye. Feeling like he had been run through an ore crusher, Jack managed to make it up the stairs. His legs finally gave out in the hallway and he had to crawl, but he somehow got to his room. With the help of his rudely awakened roommate, Jack regained his feet and attempted to throw himself onto his bed. He missed, though, and hit the floor, thereby aggravating several already painful injuries. Once his long suffering roommate helped him to bed, Jack slept, fully clothed, for twenty four hours with only a half hour break for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich washed down with three cans of room temperature Bullseye beer left over from the previous night's festivities. When he awakened early Monday morning, Jack knew it would be futile to attempt to attend classes. Not only was he hardly able to sit up, he had ... soiled himself at some point during the night and knew without a doubt that it was about to happen again. Soon. Very soon. Jack was experiencing the first rumblings of the dreaded Bullseye Thin Dirties, a malady well known to any undergraduate who had ever partaken excessively of that particular brand of beer. Jack wished to avoid further fouling of his trousers, but the mere thought of going down the hall to the bathroom made him lightheaded. He did, however, stagger to the lavatory sink in the room. He then was able to drop his hopelessly stained jeans and boxers to his ankles and hoist himself to a seated position astraddle the cold porcelain. The ensuing sound and fury awakened Jack's innocent roommate from a sound sleep. The roommate, a fastidious English major, quickly saw, heard, and smelled the situation for what it was. He immediately decided that he was overdue for a long visit to his grandma in Salinas and was out the door within two minutes. Jack regained bowel control long enough to kick off his ruined clothes. He avoided having to deal with them further by simply tossing them out the window to the parking lot two stories below. He used his roommate's bedsheets to clean himself up, and that soiled linen followed the stained clothing onto the hood of a professor's Dodge sedan parked behind the fraternity house. This exertion was too much for Jack in his weakened condition, and he wilted naked onto the cold linoleum floor and went to sleep until lower intestinal rumblings and urgency forced him awake once again. This time he made it down the hall to the bathroom, and he spent the better part of an hour noisily spewing liquid and gas from his tormented backside. Several members of the fraternity entered the bathroom during his distress and immediately decided to either hold it or use the facility downstairs. They conveniently forgot their solemn pledges to come to the aid of fraternity brothers in times of trouble. During a temporary respite from his beleagured bowels, Jack returned to his room and got dressed. Not wanting to risk further damage to his own underwear, he borrowed his roommate's. Jack found that he was missing one of the gym sox he had worn the night before, so he pulled one of his roommate's wooly red and green Christmas stockings onto his bare foot. Young men who are away from home for the first time are ill prepared to cope with emergencies, but Jack knew he needed help. He was sore all over, inside and out, he was suffering from a terminal hangover, and he was incontinent. There was no Mom around to kiss it and make it better, so Jack decided to seek medical attention. Fortunately the college infirmary was just down the street, so Jack was able to lurch and reel his way to that haven of mercy and healing. The door was opened by one of the nurses, and the debilitated student fell into her arms, unconscious. The nurse immediately realized that she had a very sick boy on her hands, and with the help of two assistants got Jack inside and onto an examination table. Jack had no sooner been laid down than he woke up in the grip of a severe upheaval in his guts. He astonished the nurses by leaping off the table like Lazarus resurrected from the the grave and reaching the bathroom in a single bound. The nurses, hearing the thunderous results of the wrenching in Jack's innards, made an immediate diagnosis based on extensive experience with similar cases. They nodded knowingly to each other. All three spoke at the same time, one of them saying, "Bullseye," another, "Thin Dirties," and the third, "If this is another bedpan case, I quit!" The physician on call gave Jack a thorough examination and diagnosed a severely abraded albeit very large penis, bruised testicles, lacerations to both knees and one elbow, a bite on one shoulder, a golfball sized hickey on his neck, multiple rows of deep scratches on his back, a colossal hangover, and a nasty case of enteritis secondary to ingestion of an improperly aged malt beverage. Bertha Hines RN, the buck-toothed old battleaxe who presided over the infirmary, ordered that the injured student be confined to bed for several days. Ms Hines had an overbite so severe that her fourth husband once ventured the opinion that she could eat corn off the cob through a picket fence. Although certainly no candidate for a beauty prize, Bertha was, nonetheless, the darling of the college administration. During her tenure as manager of the infirmary, the budget for student healthcare had been dramatically reduced. She had accomplished this by cutting student visits to the infirmary by a remarkable seventy percent, thereby eliminating several staff positions and their attendant salaries. She had done this in an amazingly simple manner: When a student came to the infirmary with a health problem, any health problem, the first thing Bertha did was to take that student's temperature. Rectally. No exceptions, no excuses. If a student wanted so much as a hangnail looked at, they first had to grab their ankles and have a cold, unlubricated glass thermometer shoved indelicately up his or her young sphincter ani. Word of this policy quickly spread throughout the student population, and only those virtually at death's door were ever desperate enough to seek help at the college infirmary. Bertha made an exception in Jack's case, however, because none of the staff would volunteer to insert the thermometer, and Jack was certainly in no condition to do it himself. Considering the volatile state of Jack's bowels, they couldn't be blamed for their reluctance to look down the ...... muzzle of a loaded weapon with a hair trigger. When questioned about the origin of his injuries, the somewhat embarrassed Jack would only say that he had fallen down the stairs. To this Nurse Bertha replied, "Yeah, sure, and ya got yer dick caught in a brushcutter on the way down. Ya oughter keep better care of a tool like that, sonny. I'm thinking it's prob'ly a real prizewinner under all them bandages the doc put on it. My nurses are cutting cards right now to see who gets to change the dressings. Nice sox you got on, but I wouldn't exactly call them a pair." After several days of bed rest, antibiotics, and Kaopectate, Jack was restored to robust good health, and he was able to resume his studies. It took almost two weeks, though, for his monkey to recover to the point to where it was naughty enough to require spanking. On returning from his visit with his granny, Jack's roommate resigned from the fraternity, moved to an off-campus apartment, and planned on enrolling at a Methodist seminary the following semester. He said that his experience as Jack's roommate had made him realize that he was best suited for a life of quiet contemplation. He wished he was a Roman Catholic so he could become a monk. Back at the bordello, Liz awakened at about noon the next day. When she tried to sit up, she quickly realized that she felt too poorly to be out of bed. With the aid of eight ounces of vodka, she promptly went back to sleep until early evening. Rosemary Palm was a devout Baptist and insisted all her girls accompany her to services each week. All, that is, except Florence "Kikey Flo" Fishbein, who attended Beth Israel Synagogue. Therefore, because the madam believed in observing the Lord's day, the whorehouse was closed on Sundays. That meant that the place was quiet, and Liz had a sorely needed rest. When a badly distended bladder finally forced Liz back to consciousness, she felt so weak that she seriously considered just relieving herself where she lay and going back to sleep in the result. Her natural fastidiousness, though, ...... flushed her out of bed and to the bathroom. On the short stagger to the toilet, Liz discovered that she was sore in places where she hadn't even known she had places. Upon hearing the toilet flush, the concerned madam hurried to check on her young friend and employee, stopping on the way to prepare an eight ounce dose of Liz's favorite cocktail to take to her as a restorative. Rosie found Ms Maddux sitting naked (except for one white gym sock) on the toilet with her head in her hands muttering, "Sweeeeeeet Jeeeeeeesuuuus ......... Sweeeeeeeeet Jeeeeeeeesuuus ......... Sweeeeeeeeet Jeeeeeeeeesuuus ....... ." Fearing the worst, Rosie decided to call the doctor in to see Long Liz. The house physician was an alcoholic podiatrist with the astonishing name of Adolph Hitler. The foot doctor blamed his fondness for strong drink on his unfortunate name, but others felt that he could have had it legally changed if he'd ever been sober long enough. Be that as it may, Dr Hitler kept watch over the health of Rosie's girls, requiring only a modest fee and occasional fellation in payment for his services. The fact that the girls were young, basically healthy, and got frequent exercise seemed to offset any of the physician's shortcomings. Adolph's license to practice had been yanked because of his habitual prescribing of massive doses of amphetamines and opiates for patients with foot disorders, but he continued to attend Rosie's girls. He lived on the ragged edge of delirium tremens, so all but the most elementary surgery was beyond the capacity of his trembling hands. Although he had little knowledge of the human body above the ankles, Der Furher seemed to do little harm. After slugging down the eight ounces of vodka intended for his patient, the good doctor asked her how she was feeling. Liz said, "Sheeeeeit, Doc, Ah feels lak a gawdam truck done bin driv plumb thew me. Feels lak Ah's split from aishole ta bellybutton, an Ah thank Ah'ma fixin ta die. Sweeeeeeeet Jeeeeeeesus!" Adolph asked if she had gone against house policy and pulled a train, but Liz denied it. "Naw, it'us jist one skinny whate boy, Doc, with a big ol tallywhacker on hissef lak a swolled up rollin' pin. Sheeeeit, Ah gess thet boy shoved thet thang up ma wrong hole by mistake. Ah tried ta tell him I din' do it thetaway, but ............. dayum! .... it'us jist lak bein' dry cornholed by a fencepost. Sweeeeeeet Jeeeeeeeesus! Y'all got inny idear how thet thar sock come ta be on mah foot?" The doctor's examination of Liz revealed a nasty bite on one breast, a large wood splinter in her left buttock, abraded knees and elbows, numerous cuts and scrapes, a black eye, a sprained shoulder, an inflamed throat from all the orgasmic vocalization, and incipient bunions which Dr Hitler thought unrelated to the current trauma. Good taste prevents description of other damage, so suffice it to say that there were .... internal injuries. After removal of the splinter, cleansing and disinfection of various wounds, and four shakey sutures to close the bite, Herr Doktor prescribed warm baths, large quantities of Vaseline to be applied to the more delicate parts, liberal doses of vodka to be taken by mouth, and strict rest between waist and knees for at least a week. He also suggested application of Preparation H ointment for its soothing effect on the swollen, stretched, and inflamed tissue .... back there. The doctor assured the patient that she would be as good as new in a week or so, but he cautioned her to stay strictly away from whomever had treated her so harshly. Liz said, "Don' worry 'bout thet, Doc. Thet boy ain nevah gonna git thet dingus uh his thin a mile a me agin. Sheeeeeeeit, I's gonna be laid up fer a week. Shore hopes Ah don' never have no mora them orgamisy thangs. Sheeeeit, they takes it outa a girl. Hay, Rosie, we got worker's comp er sumpin lak thet? Wud somun kinely git that gawdam sock offun ma foot? How come thet thang come to be on me, innyhow? Oh, woe is mah pore ayus! Sweeeeeeeet Jeeeeeesus." Dr Hitler's professional fee was paid in cash by Rosie Palm and in trade by the aforementioned Ms Fishbein, a skilled fellatrix. Being an Orthodox Jew, Flo's holy day was Saturday, so she felt no religious constraint against ... opening up for business on Sunday. Adolph Hitler felt vaguely uneasy being serviced by someone of Flo's ethnicity, and Ms Fishbein fought a strong urge to bite him. Rosemary Palm, in addition to her occupation as bordello proprietor, was a talent scout for the local pornography producer, Signore Pecchino "Peaches the Wop" Baccala. After the bout of sexual mayhem between Long Liz and the unidentified college boy, Ms Palm thought Liz might possibly have potential as an actress. After Liz's week of rest and healing, Rosie called Mr Baccala, and he sent one of his boys over to the bagnio for an "interview" with Liz. Peaches always used the hired help for such things, because one of his testicles had been removed with a box cutter by a business rival some years before. This amputation was accompanied by a stern warning that the other one would come off if Peaches further encroached on the amateur surgeon's territory. This experience had left Mr Baccala still ...... functional, but the psychological trauma caused him to have only an entrepenureal interest in sex. Following the interview, the emissary, who suffered from a severe head cold, reported back to his employer that Liz was, in his words, "Gee's fuggun ginny, Bawds, bud a real biss gutter inda sag. Kint unnastan mujja whagee zay, dough. Uh theng yuh mide gibber a dry." With that recommendation, Peaches Baccala invited the aspiring actress to visit his production facility (room 24 at the Motel 6 out on the highway) for a screen test. Although Liz's speech was mostly incomprehensible, this did not disqualify her from roles in Signore Baccala's films. His leading ladies had few spoken lines, and their mouths were usually full, anyway. It turned out that the camera loved Long Liz Maddux, and the rest, of course, is history. Eager to put Liz to work, Mr Baccala had her undergo emergency breast augmentation surgery, after which her body resembled two cantaloupes hung on a broomstick. As everyone knows, Liz's rise to porno stardom was meteoric, and she starred in a series of box office and video rental hits, produced and directed by Pecchino Baccala. She had her pick of leading men, with male stars such as John Holmes and the famed Mexican actor Hector "Senor Salami" Rodriguez eager to appear in films with her. At the height of her career Liz had been cast for the title role in the European epic "Doris Does Denmark," but a bothersome little dose of the clap had her sidelined at the time of shooting. Yes, Elizabeth Maddux was the reigning queen of filthy movies for a number of years. The trademark which endeared her to her many fans being the famous faked orgasms during which she would shriek, "SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET JEEEEEEEEEEESUS!" Her film series "Sweet Sioux, Reservation Slut" in which she appeared with the legendary and well-hung Navajo dwarf Herman "Little Big Man" Polecat, is still considered a classic of the genre. After her retirement from acting, Liz married Pecchino Baccala, and they settled down to a quiet, comfortable life on a chicken ranch in Arizona. Rumors that Liz quit porn because of injuries suffered during an attempted menage a trois with a turkey and a giraffe were never substantiated. Mr Baccala insisted to the media that Liz and the livestock were "just good friends." In a recent interview with People magazine, the middle aged, matronly Mrs Elizabeth Baccala was quoted as saying, "Sheeeeit! Ah done me nuf fuckin' fer a laftam, an Ah hopes Ah don't never gotta do it no moah. Ah don' keer iffen ma Peaches only gotten one nut on hissef, he be a sweet ole man an he treat me good. Alls it take ta keep him happy isa lil ol hanjob ever coupla weeks, and thet suit me jus' fine 'cause he usually do it to hissef. One thang Ah ain never gone fergit wus some skinny college boy wita big ole tallywhacker on hissef come inta Rosie's place one naight. Lawdy! Ah hed me somma them orgamismy thangs, en it put me outa action fer a week. Sheeeit! Jes 'magin, sumpin lak thet dingus on a whate boy! Made thet butt ugly Sherlock Holmes dude look lak a fuggin' midget! Sweeeeeeeeeeeet Jeeeeeeeeeeesuuuuuus!" Frieda the Cat _____________________________________ The writer has tried to offend all ethnic groups equally. Your comments always welcome. Votes, too. I try to reply to all.