25 comments/ 40590 views/ 1 favorites Don't Piss Off Lou By: SoCalOvid There I was, sitting on a stool in the neighborhood bar crying my eyes out, figuratively at least, even if no actual tears were coming down. I knew I wasn't the first man to discover that his wife was cheating on him; I wasn't the only man whose wife was cheating on him, and I certainly wouldn't be the last man whose wife cheated on him. Knowing all of those things didn't make me feel one bit better. Part of the bitterness of the whole thing came from the fact that just about everyone but me knew about it -- I know, I know, what a cliché. I hated being the cliché. All of my wife's friends knew, but of course they wouldn't tell me. Everyone at the bank where my wife worked in the loan department knew. A lot of my friends knew, but they were afraid to tell me; worried that my first reaction would be to put a fist in their face, which was probably true. I guess they were smarter than they looked. And I wouldn't have believed them anyway. It was finally my boss who broke the news to me. He called me into his office at the plant and asked me to sit down. He took a deep breath and said, "Sven" (That's me.) "Yes, Mr. Johnson." (That's him.) "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your wife is having an affair with her boss at the bank." I jumped up and was about to punch him, when I remembered that he was my boss, after all. He winced and kind of cowered a bit when I jumped up. His hands and arms went up to cover his face. "Boss, I don't think that you should be talking about my wife like that if you know what's good for you." I growled at him. Oh yes. I'm a pretty fair sized fellow, and usually I'm pretty mellow, but when my dander is up my Swedish berserker genes sometimes show. A crazy-mad 6' 5", 280 pound pissed off Minnesota Swede gets people real nervous. "Sven, I'm REALLY sorry to be the one to tell you, but everyone here respects you, and we've been hoping that you would catch on yourself without our interfering. But we finally decided that true friends would let you know, since just about everyone else in town does." my boss said, kinda looking down at his desk and just glancing up at me every couple of seconds, trying to avoid my increasingly blazing blues eyes. "You better have something to back this up, boss." I said, my temper just on edge, and slightly in control. "I do, Sven," he said, as he pushed over some photos and invoices from the local hotel, "We knew that you wouldn't believe us if we didn't have some pretty strong proof for you. Sven, I'm so sorry, and I'll do anything to help you through this. Time off, money for a lawyer, whatever. You're a good man and I don't want to lose you, but we figured you would be even madder about things if you found out about it some other way and realized that we didn't tell you, even though we were aware of it." "My son is the manager of the hotel, and my daughter works at the bank with them. They helped us gather the evidence to show you." He was kind of rambling by this time. I didn't notice though. I was looking at pictures of my wife Sally and her boss, Glen, doing the nasty just about every way that I had ever heard of, and a couple that I never believed anybody would ever do. Well, my temper just drained right out of me. It was then the weeping inside started. My voice almost choked when I turned to Mr. Johnson and said, "Boss, thanks for telling me and getting me the proof. This is so hard, but you're right I wouldn't have wanted everyone knowing except me. You are a true friend and a good man." I told him. "Well," he said to me, slightly nodding his head as he said it, "to tell you the truth we knew how hard you would take it, and it was up to me to tell you." "That was pretty smart of all of you. Because you're the boss and I respect you, I wouldn't just smack you." I nodded. "Actually," he said looking up with his hands turned to the ceiling, "I drew the short straw. Why don't you take the rest of the day off, to think about how you want to handle the situation, and such, and let me know." I left work. I was surprised at how many of the big guys I work with were coming up and putting their arms around my shoulders and telling me to call them if I needed anything, or just to talk. I thanked them, but honestly I knew that talking with my co-workers about my grief and anger wasn't my way. Instead I stopped at a bar on the way home to consider what tomorrow would bring to my 15 year marriage to Sal. So there I was sitting alone at the bar nursing a beer, thinking and drinking, drinking and thinking, and thinking that life was just stinking. Then I noticed, it really was kind of stinking in the bar. Yuck, a kind of sulfur or sulfur-dioxide smell (yes I know, I'm not stupid -- rotten egg smell.) The septic system must be backing up again. That's what I get for sitting down at the end of the bar, close to the restrooms, I thought. But I was feeling too low down to even get up and move. Just about the same time I noticed the smell, I heard some guy's voice behind me. "Hey Bub, what's got you so down?" I was just about to tell whoever it was to piss off when the stranger offered me his hand, "M' names Lou." It was a firm handshake, and Lou was at least as big as I was. He was a handsome devil, or at least I figured a woman would find him handsome. He was as dark as I was blond, with a deep tanned looking face, with short dark hair, and a solid chin. Most likely worked outdoors a lot. He wasn't smiling or being funny - if you know what I mean. He had a serious look on his face and he looked me straight in the eyes. "Sven." I introduced myself. "Don't mean to intrude or anything, but I've been drinking at the other end of the bar for awhile, and you look like someone who has a problem that needs solving." he said. "Well," I began, "I'm not sure whether I should kill myself and be dead — or kill my wife and be lonely and in jail — or kill her boss and be cheerful and in jail. Maybe I'll kill both of them, and be lonely and cheerful in jail." I think that I had too many beers by this time. Now, darned if I know why, but found myself pouring out my troubles to this stranger. He was a great listener, he didn't interrupt, but you knew he was REALLY hearing what you were saying. My heart just let all of my sadness and anger about my cheating wife come out, how much I loved the woman, but how I couldn't allow myself to be a cuckold. When I was more or less talked out, I sat there for a minute. We both just sat there for a minute, sipping at our beer, thinking. Finally, he turned and said, "Sven, here's what you do. Go home and throw her clothes into a couple of trash bags and put them by the door. When she gets home, tell her that you know about her cheating, that you have pictures and evidence, that you are divorcing her, and throw her out. Then throw her stuff in the bags out after her. I'm going to do something for you that I haven't done for an eternity; I am going to help you out of this mess. No strings attached. I promise that within two days she will be begging you for forgiveness and to let her back into your life. Then, if you want her, you can have her back. If you don't, well, you can tell her its too little, too late." With that Lou turned and walked out of the bar. I knew then that I had too much to drink, because I swear that when I looked at him as he walked away, I saw a ... well, you would think I was crazy if I told you. Anyway, with a greatly lightened heart, and a plan to follow, I went home. I got right to work. You know, it doesn't take long to empty a bunch of drawers into a couple of trash bags. The stuff on hangers took a little longer. I was going to have to let her come back for shoes, there were too damn many of them, but I threw a couple of pairs into the bags as well. I actually got a cardboard box for all of her bathroom things. I was trying to pack her jars and bottles of woman's potions, gels and lotions, not to destroy them. Like Lou suggested, I stashed the bags and the box off to one side of the door. Sally would probably think that it was trash waiting to be taken out. A few phone calls and the credit cards were canceled, even her cell phone was only a quick phone call -- it would be turned off by the morning. The bank account would have to wait. By the time Sally arrived home, I was more or less sober, and I was pretty damn angry again. But I wasn't feeling helpless and on the defensive anymore. I was ready to stop being a cuckold and start being in charge again. I think that she knew as soon as she walked in the door from the garage that something was wrong. I told her to sit down at the table in the kitchen. She complained that she wanted to change out of her work clothes. "Sally, just sit down. You can change at your new place. Right now, your clothes are sitting in a bag by the front door." I told her, my eyes looking hard at hers. "Sven, are you well?" she asked, "What are you talking about 'my new place'?" she asked, with a glint of fear in her eyes. "You don't think that I am going to let you continue to live here with me, while you are fucking your boss and cuckolding me." I barked at her, with a cold stare in my eyes. She hesitated for just a moment. I have to give her credit -- she was fast on her feet. She came back on the attack. "Sven, are you crazy. Where did you get an idea like that? I am not having an affair, with my boss or anyone." she replied, trying to sound sincere. "Sally," I responded, in a rather terse manner, "Everyone in town knows about your affair. Everyone at the bank knows, all of my friends know. Lying to me about it doesn't make things better, it make it worse." "Oh, come on Sven, don't be absurd, how can you possibly listen to malicious gossip like that!" Sally said firmly. She was getting her feet back under her, and for a minute, she figured that she could pull it off. Until I held up some of the photos, fanned out like a hand of cards. She tried to grab them, and I pulled them back. "Oh no, my loving wife, I will keep my hands on these, and the other evidence of your infidelity, for the divorce." I said triumphantly. "But you are leaving this house immediately. Tonight. Call up your lover to come and get you." I took a shot in the dark, "That is if he can get away from his wife and kids to deal with you." I could see that my dart had struck home. Now she was crying. At least I should let her stay until tomorrow. She could explain. She really loved me. It was only sex. I didn't understand. Blah, blah, blah. I understood. I understood the entire time, as I took her house and car keys from her (we could argue about the cars in the future,) and I understood when I took her arm and led her out the front door, threw the trash bags of her clothes out after her, and placed the box of toiletries on the front step. I stood with my arms folded, watching her from the open door. With her cell phone, she called up a woman friend from work who arrived in her car shortly. Then, before I closed the door, I said, "You can take some time to think about your affair and your marriage. We will talk in a couple days and decide where to go from here." I turned and closed the door and locked it. Sally stood there looking at the door like a deer caught in the headlights. She finally, slowly, picked up her things and took them to her friends car and disappeared into the night. Surprisingly, I slept pretty well that night. Lou seemed to exude a confidence about him, that when he said things would work out in a couple of days, I believed him. The next morning I was first in line at the bank. Now you can understand my dilemma: our checking account was at the same bank where my wife was a loan officer. But the loan officers didn't have the kind of fixed hours that a teller has, so I figured that Sally wouldn't get there right as the doors opened. It turned out even better, Sally had called in sick. I had the bank make out a cashier's check for all but $100 from our account. The only thing that the teller asked me about was whether Sally was feeling OK. I told her I didn't have a clue, since I'd kicked Sally's ass out the night before. I guess that I threw the fox in the hen house with that remark. Funny, before I got out the door three of the tellers came up and whispered to me that I'd done the right thing, and two of the others slipped me cards with their phone numbers on them and told me to call them if I was dumping Sally. Real loyalty in that place! When I got back home, there were about ten messages from Sally. I guess that she had found out about the credit cards when she tried to rent a room at the local motel. So she had to stay with her friend until her next paycheck. The message she left after she found her cell phone wasn't working any more wasn't very nice, in fact, she was pretty pissed about it. When she finally got around to going to the bank and found less than $100 in our checking account she went threw the roof. Maybe Glen, her boss, would lend her some, I thought with a smile. The last message she left was entirely different from the earlier ones. She had a completely different tone, I guess because someone at the bank had told her about the reception I had gotten from her fellow workers. At least that's what I think she was saying, I was having a hard time understanding her through the blubbering, but I'm pretty sure that it was something like, "Don't even think of taking that hussy Betty out, and Mary Lou would probably give you some horrible STD!" Hmmm.... fancy that, Sally calling that nice young woman Betty a hussy; after all, she had been screwing that little wimp Glen! The last call was from Lou. I returned his call. "Lou, this is Sven. How ya doing?" I said. "Burning it up, Sven. Now tell me what you've done so far." came Lou's reply. So I described the goings on of the last twenty-four hours. "That's good, Sven," Lou finally spoke, "Don't you answer any calls from Sally. Things are in the works that will break in the next twenty-four hours. So you just play it cool, and go out and have a good time. Is there anything that you could do that would get you out of town until tomorrow night?" "Oh, sure, you bet. I could go out fishing at the lake. My brother owns a little cabin out there that he lets me use whenever I want." I thought about it for a second. "And I'll bet the large-mouth bass fishing will be great. It's been warming up during the day, and its a full moon tonight." "Yup, sounds good," Lou said, endorsing my plan, "Have a great time out at the lake." And you know what? I did. I landed the biggest bass I have ever caught that day, just a little under 15 pounds. In fact, I had been reeling them in all day, although I am a catch and release man, so they all got tossed back into the lake. I had the luck of the devil that day! There is just nothing to compare with a great day in your boat, fishing. When I returned home, only two days after I had kicked my wife out, I was feeling pretty good. As I was driving home, I stopped at the store to pick up something for dinner. I got a big steak to BBQ, as well as a couple of medium containers of side dishes, you know - some German potato salad, some salad, a six pack of beer. That would keep me from getting hungry. But on my way out, I spied the local newspaper. Then I dug two quarters out of my pocket and bought a copy. There, on the front page, was my wife's boss/boyfriend, Glen, being hauled out of the bank by the police in handcuffs! Seems like the bank examiner's had been looking at some of the money that the bank was holding in trust, and found that Glen had been stealing the accounts blind. And there, in the same article, was my wife's name. It seems that the the police had put her in the bracelets too, but after questioning her, I guess they thought she was too dumb to be an accomplice, and let her loose on her own "recognizance." Lucky her -- she didn't have enough money to more than about $10 in bail! Her picture in the paper didn't really flatter her, with her hair all blown every which way, and tears smearing her make up. She seemed to be shouting something at the photographer. I'll bet ya it wasn't very nice. It's funny, though, Glen kept going on about how he was innocent and the real culprit was some fellow he knew as "Lou." But no one believed him, because no one remembered ever seeing this Lou fellow. Well, sure enough, when I got back to my house, there was Sally, sitting on the doorstep. I guess she was too cried out by this time to even shed a tear. She looked like hell, and I told her so. She looked at me so pathetically, that I opened the door and told her to come in, and I would make some coffee and we could talk. Just like Lou had promised, Sally was begging and pleading with me to let her come home. She had been fired from the bank (even though she hadn't been charged with anything, she had lost the bank's trust,) and she had realized that she loved me more than life, that she was miserable without me, and would do anything to prove herself to me. And more of the same. The one thing she knew, she said, was that she would never even look at another man sexually. I asked her how she could make me believe that? And what she told me started me thinking. It seems that after I had kicked her out, her boyfriend Glen had showed up. She told me there was something funny about it, because she hadn't called him or anything, but he seemed to know what was going on. She also noticed that he had kind of a faint rotten egg smell that she hadn't noticed before. And when Sally told him it was over between them, he had not only refused to accept it, he had tried to force her to give him a blow job! Her reaction to Glen was that she found herself puking in the bathroom toilet. According to Sally, since then, every time she even thought about Glen, she felt like puking. She said that in addition, a couple of the guys who worked with her in the bank tried to hit on her once they figured that she was open to all comers, and she found herself feeling nauseous. She couldn't even stand the thought of another man. So could I please take her back and we could work it out together and get past her mistake. In the end, I gave in. I told her that Glen was strike one and strike two combined; fool around on me again and you will be out of the house and divorced. I also told her that I was going to punish her for cheating on me: I made her take off her pants and panties, and I put her over my knee and walloped her bare ass but good. By golly, she had one pink colored butt by the time I was done with her. Funny though, when I was finished, she had a dreamy look on her face, and turned around and gave me a big wet kiss, and as she ran into the bedroom, she told me to get in there quick. Boy, oh boy, did I learn a few new things that night! I never thought that my big tool could even fit in back there, but Sally seemed to like it. A couple of days later, I was back in the bar where I had first met Lou. The phone number that I had for him didn't seem to be connected anymore, and I didn't know where to go looking to thank him for everything. So I sat there drinking a beer, and then I turned and saw him walking across the room to where I was sitting. I smelled him first -- that rotten egg smell. And the hooves where he should have had feet. It was the tail under the back of his long coat that I had seen the first time we met. "Well hello, Lou," I said, as I extended my hand to him, "or do you prefer 'old scratch'?" "Lou or Luke is fine." he replied, giving me a firm handshake, "And how is Sven tonight?" "Oh, I'm just great. Sally came back, just like you said, and she is eager to please. Seems like she gets sick just thinking of any other man but me," I told him. Don't Piss Off Lou: She! I was sitting at a table in a low class bar in El Paso nursing a strawberry margarita, and I was pissed. Not drunk pissed y'all understand, angry pissed. In fact I was REALLY pissed. I was "P", double-"I", double-"S" pissed. Think of it as PMS on steroids. Why? Because I was sitting at this here table watching my husband, Dick, and his best friend and partner, Lou, as they whooped it up at the bar with a couple of floozies. And there didn't seem to be anything that I could do about it. Hell, Dick wasn't trying to hide it — he brought me here with him. That was when I first smelled her perfume. I think it was a lily fragrance. I looked up when she stepped into view. She was a well endowed woman, with a big pair up top, and from behind, no one would mistake her for a man. Big wavy black hair. She was, what they used to teach us up at U.T. Austin, "Rubenesque". I figured she was late twenties, maybe early thirties. But, it was really her eyes that got my attention: they were a bright green color that would take your breath away. Must be contact lenses. "Hey, girl. You OK? You look like you'd like to rip someone a new asshol'!" she said with that soft Texas drawl. She seemed friendly, and for some reason, I didn't think that she was trying to hit on me, so I replied. "Yup, I'm pretty pissed and fed up with that sumbitch sitting at the bar." I replied, "who happens to be my husband." "I sorry to hear that.' she said, "Mind if I sit down?" She didn't really wait for an answer, she just sat. By this time I could see one of the floozies, the Latina looking one, was down below the bar on her knees, getting acquainted with Dick's dick. Lily took a look over at the bar and turned back to me. "I can see why you might be a bit put out. And look at that gawd awful shade of lipstick she's wearing." came her observation. "I'm Lily," she said, putting out her hand. "I'm Jane, Jane Smith," I got the words out, then shook her hand, "Glad to meet ya Lily. And that prick, over there, is my husband, Dick." "Your husband is 'Dick'?" Lily said, with a look that was close to mirth in her eyes. I could see it coming. For ten years, ever since Dick and I got hitched, I have had to put up with being "Dick and Jane." Why did everyone start their First Grade reading with the same stupid books. "See Jane run. See Dick run. See Jane fall down. See Dick put his thing in Jane." OK, OK, I made that last one up, but I think you get the point — it gets old. But Lily either didn't know about Dick and Jane, or she chose to forgo all of the normal witticisms. Lily kinda squinted at the bar, and turned back to me again. "And who is that fellow with your man?" she asked, with a certain intensity. "Oh, that's Dick's bidness partner, Lou. They've been partners for on to six-months now." I said, keeping my eyes on Lily. "Hmmmm..." she replied, looking at Lou again, "you know, I think I may know that hombre. I haven't seen him for a long time, and he's changed a lot, but I think I recognize him." As she spoke, Lou was leaning back in his chair laughing, his snakeskin Tony Lamas up on the empty stool next to him, his drink in one hand, and a stogy in the other, which he was waving around to emphasize his point. Dick must have thought whatever Lou said was funny, because he almost choked on the Corona he was pouring down his throat from the upturned bottle. Even the bitch sucking Dick off was laughing, although she never let loose of my husband's rod from her mouth. Lily didn't quite turn all the way back to me, like she was keeping a eye on Dick and Lou, when she asked another question. "It looks to me like your marriage is going through one of them 'rough' periods at the moment." she said rather dryly. "Rough?" I laughed a short, phony laugh, "Like sand in the KY gel, honey!" "Well, don't jest sit there leavin' me in suspense. Tell me about it." she demanded. Now most of the time, I would tell someone who was prying into my dirty laundry to put it where the sun don't shine, but, oh hell, Lily could see the worst of it twenty-five feet away at the bar. Why not tell her the rest. "Lily," I started, "For ten years, I thought that I had the best marriage and the finest man on God's little green earth. Dick was a loving husband, and true. We owned a little manufacturing bidness, made enough money to be happy, and were living a contented life. That was before Lou came into the picture." I paused. "About six months ago, Dick tolt me that he was bringing in a partner. That was when I first met Lou. Now I don't know why, but I didn't cotton to Lou. First of all, he has the worst BO that I have EVER smelled. I kinda hinted to Dick that I would be a lot happier with this partnership if Lou would improve his personal hygiene, but Dick said that Lou couldn't hep it. It was some sort of 'condition' and I should ignore it, and how could I be so judgmental. But, damn girl, it's bad. He needs to cut something out of his diet." I took a breath, and continued. "On the other hand, Lou seems to be bringing in a shitload of new orders, and the company has been busier than a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. We've been growing, adding new people, renting more space, and makin' money hand over fist. So it is hard to complain. How could I be down on someone who is makin' us rich?" "But, to tell you the truth, I was still worry about this whole thing. Is this real, is it going to last? How does a feller who smells like a skunk get so many orders; from a lot of the big companies, too. Come to think on it, maybe they give Lou orders to get him outta their offices." I reflected. "Anyway, Dick said that Lou has some sorta hold on the bidness, and wherever he goes so do the orders," I concluded. "Jane, " Lily looked at me like I was a little simpleminded, "That doesn't explain Dick sitting at the bar with that Guapa over there suckin' on his dick. Oh," she looked back at the bar, "sorry, it doesn't explain Dick bending that blond bimbo over the bar stool and mule fuckin' her." I looked over, winced, and agreed. "Yea, well that started a couple of months ago. Now I don't want to put Dick down or nothin', but as much as I love him, he was no Casanova. He's not that tall; he's good enough looking, but he's no Brad Pitt, and, don't ever tell him I said this — he's always been a bit pudgy. But all of a sudden like, he's irresistible to women. I mean, its like he can walk up to a gal, ask her to drop her drawers and let him have it, and they jest plain do it! I've seen it with my own two eyes, and I still don't believe it." Lily silently nodded her head, hearin' what I was sayin.' "And the worst part is," I continued, my eyes downcast, looking at the remnants of my drink, "that even after I've seen him messing with all these other sluts, we get home, and if he asks me to do something for him, I mean anything for him, I find myself doing it. Its like I can't resist." "There is one bright spot, though," my eyes looking at Lily, "his tool used to be pretty normal. But I swear, I think its grow'd at least three inches longer, and that sumbitch is bigger around than my wrist. Its gotta be at least nine inches now, and it is one pure pleasure rod. He musta found one hell of a plastic surgeon to do that work. " I suddenly frowned, "Of course, its not my personal property anymore." I broke down, weeping. I felt Lily's hand gently on my forearm, as she comforted me. "Hey girl, its all right. Don't let it get ya down." she quietly chided me. When I could finally lift my face again, Lily asked another question. "Why don't you file divorce papers on him. Take half his money, half the company, half the house and head for the hills?" "Lily," reminded of my other seemingly insolvable problem, "I have tried to go to every damn lawyer in this county to get someone to represent me, and as soon as they find out that I want to dump Dick, and get half the company from him and Lou, I am outta their office faster than a six-point buck in huntin' season!" "Do they tell you why?" came Lily's confused voice. "Yea, they say its something about 'conflicts a interest', or 'professional courtesy', or some other lame excuse." I answered. "The only lawyer who even considered takin' my case, finally tolt me, that there weren't a judge in Texas who would side against Lou, so I was just spinnin' my wheels. He swore that you didn't get to BE a judge in Texas, either party, 'less you cut a deal with Lou." Just thinking about the situation discouraged me. Lilly got a real determined look on her face, and said, "I think I can he'p ya out. I'll talk to ya tomorrow, but I gotta vamos right now." she looked in the direction of the bar again. Dick had finally finished his drink, and the bar floozies were lookin' all worr'd out, and he and Lou were struggling to their feet and walking, well, more like weaving, in the general direction of my table. "Jane, gal. We're done here, y' all ready to drive us home?" Dick asked. He looked around the room, "Hey, baby mama, where'd that hot piece you were talkin' to go? I might like t' try 'er out." I suddenly noticed that Lily was gone. I hadn't even seen her take off. Shoot — she didn't have my cell number or anything, how was she going to talk to me tomorrow, I wondered. "I dunno Dick, maybe her 'good taste' alarm went off when she saw you and Lou, and she hightailed it in the opposite direction. That's what I would do." If I could, I silently thought. Now if you want the definition of an unhappy drive home, that was it. Dick and I got in the car, and given how I was feelin' about my husband at that particular moment, it was bad enough. But it got a whole heap worse when Lou got in the back seat. Thank gawd for power windows, because believe me I had ALL the windows in that car down in a flash. I didn't care if was 103 degrees outside, I was NOT gonna be closed up in the same car as Lou and his polecat smell. Dick spoke up again, "Lou's comin' to our place for awhile so we can take care of a few items before business tomorrow," he explained. Oh great, I thought, now I'll have to have the house fumigated too. We got home, and I went into the living room while Dick and Lou went into the office, and I turned on the 65 inch big-screen over the fireplace, wonderin' for the umteenth time why the hell anyone would have a fireplace in their home in El Paso. Must be for looks. I know we never actually used ours. The house was one of the many things that had happened since Dick partnered with Lou. We had a fine middle-class house before, now we had a grandiose house in a neighborhood where the neighbors wouldn't even talk to us, because we didn't have ancestors who fought at the Alamo. I had to hire a buncha people to he'p me take care of it, and it echoed from the emptiness of the rooms. I would have rather had our old house, and filled it with the sounds of little ones, but that didn't look like it would happen any time soon. I was just sitting there and contemplating all the changes in my life, when Dick and Lou came out of the office and into the living room. I looked at Lou again — his round little face, the thick glasses, the scrawny little body. He looked even worse in his jeans an' his $1000 dollar boots, than when he wore a suit. How did this wimpy lookin' guy cut such a wide swathe across the Lone Star state? Dick approached the couch where I was sitting. "Janey, tonight I'm gonna share you with ol' Lou here. So get up and start shuckin' those duds," he demanded. "LIKE HELL!" I shouted back, but suddenly I realized that I was doing it anyway. Soon, I was buck naked in front of Dick and Lou. Dick had dropped his pants, and was standing there with his tool hanging down. Jeez, I thought, looking at the lipstick on his dick, Lily was right, what a gawd awful color that bitch had been wearing. Lou, on the other hand, had waited, watching me strip down, and when I was standing there in my altogether, he finally spoke up. "Dick, you've been holdin' out on me. She is one fine piece here. Look at that PAIR! And she's here for the taking anytime." He licked his lips as he said it. Then Lou slowly unzipped his jeans, and pulled out his John Henry, makin' sure that I was lookin'. When he first pulled it out, it looked pretty normal. But as I watched there was a metamorphosis. I swear that his cock started getting longer — until it was 14, maybe 15 inches long. And as it lengthened, it was getting bigger around. Shit, it was about as big around as a baby's head. Then I could see the veins start to bulge out as his monster tool turned red. And when the head of his cock began to look like a big snake's head, I screamed and tried to turn and run. If he put that thing in me, it would kill me FOR SURE!!! But, it was like my feet were set in concrete. Right then, though, Lou's cell phone rang. He looked pretty annoyed, but I guess he looked at the caller ID and decided to take the call, standing there with ol' snakehead wavin' in the wind. "Sven," he barked, "you know that this number is for emergencies only, so this better be good. You don't even know what you are interrupting." There was a pause while Lou listened. He spoke again, " You think its a woman this time? OK, OK, I'll be right there. OK, bye." Lou turned back to me. "OK, you luck out this time, but I'll be back in a couple of days, and you'll get the big one then." he said, looking at me with a evil grin. I turned to look at Dick, but he was actually passed out on the couch, and when I turned back, Lou was already gone. The next day, I lit a shuck and got outta that house before Dick had sobered up enough to crawl outta bed. I figured I could go to the beauty parlor and stay outtin his way at least for the mornin'. A couple hours later, I was comin' out from under the hair dryer, when I look up, and there is Lily standing right in front of me. She grabbed me by the arm, and hauled me out onto the sidewalk. She looked at me, and I'll be damned if her eyes weren't almost a gold color. Darn it, they can do near anything with those contact lenses these days. Lily started talking about a mile a minute. "Come on girl. I got you an appointment with J.W. Bawlbraker, the best damn divorce lawyer in the state of Texas," she explained as she pulled me along. "Lily, hold on there," I said, "J.W. is the first lawyer I tried to see, and they kicked me out so fast a bolt of lightning couldn't catch me." "That was before, honey. J.W. will see you this time, 'cause you're with me." she replied. "I don't know, Lily, I don't think J.W. wants to piss off Lou." I objected, "I hear Lou gets down and dirty when he's pissed off." "Jane, girl," Lily said with a grin, "J.W. doesn't want to piss off Lily even worse. Plus, I got a few inducements for him, if he takes your case. But we gotta move now, while Lou is out of town." I stared at her, "Lily, he only left last night, and that was some shit about a guy's wife or girlfriend doing the lesbian thing. How'd you know he was out of town?" Lily laughed, "Who the hell do you think planted the idea that his wife was having a lesbian affair in that dumb ol' Sven's head? Now let's make tracks!" She was truly a mover and shaker, that Lily. We walked into the office of J.W. Bawlbraker, and the right in front of us was that ol' dried up biddy who kicked me out the first time. I could jest see her lookin' down her nose over her granny glasses, ready to give me the boot, when suddenly she notices Lily standin' there next to me. I've never seen a person's face shift so quick from a nasty, sour puss, to a simpering, kiss-up. She musta gone to Texas A&M or someit. "Oh, miss Lily," she said, the honey jest dripping off her tongue, "What can we do fer y'all?" "Mornin' Miss Stickler, I need to talk to J.W. this very minute, if y'all can squeeze me in?" Lily requested, with a voice so sweet that an ant would choke. "Why, sure, Miss Lily." replied the harridan, "A opening just came up." I looked at Lily amazed. She turned to me, and real quiet like said, "I hepped her get her spot as a cheerleader at A&M. Now she can't do enough for me. Janey, why don't you wait here for a minute, while I convince ol' J.W. that he wants to take on your case." I didn't say anything, just nodded my head as she flounced into the office and closed the door behind her. As soon as Lily disappeared, the biddy went right back to the nasty look she'd given me when I first came in. I gave her the U.T. Longhorn sign with my hand, and stuck my tongue out at her. She huffed and found some papers to look at, instead of me. About 15 minutes later, J.W's voice came over the intercom. "Miss Stickler, could you be a darlin', and send Mrs. Smith in." She didn't say a thing to me, but she got up from her chair, and opened the door. I gave her a BIG smile as I passed her and entered the office. As I walked in the room, J.W. was standing behind his desk, trying to tuck the front of his shirt back in, zipping up his pants, and getting' 'em buttoned up. He was looking a bit flush. Lily was lookin' like the proverbial cat who ate the canary. She was gently dabbing at her lips with a tissue. Lily's lipstick always looked jest right, and matched her nails TO A tee. "Mrs. Smith, " J.W. began, "Lily here has convinced me of the merit of your case. And I deeply apologize for the ill-consider decision to give you the boot the last time you were here," he concluded, looking to Lily for approval. When she nodded her head, J.W.'s smile was beaming from ear to ear. I handed J.W. the photos and other evidence that I had of Dick's philanderin' (thats the fancy word they taught us at U.T. to say 'fuckin' around') and he got that shark-like look on his face that lawyers do when they smell blood in the form of money. He assured me that I would soon be a wealthy, and once again single, available woman. "I might even be interested in you my own self," J.W. said, with a leer in my direction. In your fat assed dreams, I thought. I smiled at him. J.W. told me that he would arrange for Dick to receive the divorce papers at work before the end of the day, as well as a restraining order so's I could go home and not worry about Dick. When Lou got back to town, he would be served with a restraining order as well. They wouldn't be allowed to come closer than 500 foot o' the house, no phone calls, no emails, no communications with me, NADA! And to make sure my case was handled in a fair manner, we were scheduled to be in court the next morning to ask for a change a venue. Maybe we could find a honest judge, or at least one who would take our bribe too. I was feeling SO MUCH better. I looked at Lily, and took her hand, and said a silent 'thank you' to her. She just smiled. The next mornin' , there we were, all bright eyed and bushy tailed in court at the break o' day, round 10:00 AM. There was me and J.W. sittin' at our little table, and across the way was Dick and his lawyer. Lily was sittin' behind me and J.W., and, damn, her eyes were the prettiest shave of lavender that I have ever seen. That girl must have a different eye color for EVERY day of the week. I got to find out where she gets those contacts. Her nails matched too. So we're all sittin' and waitin' for awhile, and sudden like, out comes some ol' feller in a black robe, who is introduced to the court as the Honorable Bubba Malhomme, or someit like that. He looks down at the papers that we filed, and turns to my lawyer, "I see you are askin' for a change a venue? J.W., are you implicatin' that this court is less than fair?" J.W. stood up, and real polite like, answered, "No sir, your honor, but my client is concerned that given the nature of her husband and his partner, plus the sway that they have over this community, that there will be unfair pressure brought to bear on her, the court, the jurors, the bailiff, and anyone else involved, to give ol' Lou his way..." Don't Piss Off Lou: She! As he was speakin' the damnedest thing happened. Suddenly, there was a puff of smoke, and Lou was standing in court, right in front of my table. But he wasn't lookin' at me. He was lookin' at Lily. And if looks could kill... "Lillith, YOU BITCH!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE. HOW DID YOU ESCAPE???" he kinda exploded at her. As he spoke, his looks started to change. He started getting' a whole lot bigger, and his skin was turnin' a kinda dark red, he was so angry. His glasses fell off, and his chest and arms got, you know, all buff like. His shirt was tearin' right off his body, like he was the Hulk or somethin'. Hey, what can I say — if it weren't for that damn BO, I mighta bin able to see myself with THIS Lou. To my surprise and eternal admiration, Lily looked at Lou and she jest laughed her silly head off! When she could finally talk again, she looked him in the eye and said, "Lou, we're not here to answer your damn fool questions. We are getting' a change a venue in Janey's little divorce action, so that you and that wimp husband of hers, Dick, won't be botherin' her again. And aren't you in violation of the restraining order, honey?" She said that last thing real sweet like, but it didn't seem to cool Lou off none. "You want a CHANGE OF VENUE, I'll GIVE YOU A CHANGE OF VENUE!" There was another one of those PUFF things, with a bunch of damned smelly smoke, and when it cleared up enough to look around, it was like we were on an island in a lake of fire. Smoke, flames — it was terrible. I wondered what part of El Paso we were in now? I looked at J.W. and saw that he was shakin' like a leaf. Then he pointed up to the man behind the bench, where Bubba Malhomme had been sitting. "Holyyyyy shit, Lily! That there is Judge Roy Bean. We are in a heap o' trouble." he screamed. I wasn't sure, but I think that for a minute there, J.W. had lost control. He smelled like shit. But in a flash, Lily jumped up in front of us. Where did she get those wings? And they matched her eyes and nails. How can a gal be so color coordinated all the time? I jest envy that gal's sense of taste. "I object! This is not a neutral setting. We demand a reasonable venue, with a neutral judge. I invoke my rights, even as a fallen angel!" she shouted to the sky. "Lily," I could hear the ol' geezer, Roy Bean, say, "jest set your little behind down, and let me pronounce the sentence...Hang 'em, hang 'em all!" Jest as sudden as we had got there, we were somewhere else. It was a cool room, mostly white, real clean. Up at the front behind the bench was a calm lookin' fellow. His face didn't really show any emotion. In front of him was a small placard that read, "Hon. A.A. Michael." For some reason, I suddenly felt like I had a real chance. J.W. took a moment and regained some of his poise, and at Judge Michael's direction, he showed him our case. A couple of times, the Judge, he interrupted long enough to look at Dick and Lou, and ask if the particulars we presented was true. They looked like a couple o' little boys caught with their hands in the cookie jar, but they had to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth, so he'p 'em. Judge Michael would look over to Lou, sittin' there real quiet like again, with his glasses and round face, and ever now an' again say, "Lou, Lou, Lou. You should know better by now." It didn't take hardy no time to finish the case, since Dick and Lou didn't have a real defense. So when Judge Michael ruled in my favor, no one was't surprised. He gave me the house, our savin's, 75% of Dick's share of the bidness, and granted the divorce. I was free again, and I was up to my eyeballs in money! Then Michael turned to Lou and tolt him, "Lou, since Jane is getting 75 cent of every dollar Dick earns, he will not get what you promised him in exchange for his soul. So sorry, ol' scratch, you lose this one. For now. Better luck next time!" Then suddenly we were back, standin' in front of the county court house. J.W. shook my hand, and shook his head. "Jane," he said, "if you ever need a lawyer again, please don't think of me. Lordy, I don't care how much I can bill ya, I don't think my heart could take another case like yours." He gave a brief wave to Lily, and left, kinda staggerin' back to his car. I swear, the back of his pants WERE wet! Across the steps I could see Lily, and she was talkin' t' Lou, real serious like. "Oh. come on Lou, its been 25 centuries, for gawd's sake, get over him. I never loved him, it was just the sex — and he was never as good as you! It was just one time, a mistake!" she was almost beggin'. "No, Lillith. You broke my heart, you destroyed my soul. Wellll...I guess you didn't destroy my soul, but it felt like you had. You made me look like a fool in front of the legions of hell! I'm just not ready to forgive and forget just yet!" he said, his chin pointed up. Lou must read those damn Lovin' Wives storys. No other explanation for his bein' so unreasonable. "Jesus," swore Lily, "once you piss off Lou, he just don't give it up!" Then she got a big smile on her face, and took me by the arm. "Oh, hell with him. Lets go have us some fun!" And that's what we did. That night we ran into the boys from the U.T. football team. You ever wondered how they managed that National Championship? Well, me and Lily did everthin' we could to he'p keep up their morale that season. Go Longhorns! Now I don't want you to think that I forgot about Dick. Y'all know that after 10 good years, ya don't jest give up a man overnight. But he had that new tool of his, and I wasn't going to put up with him foolin' around on me anymore! Lily tolt me she could give me a hand with Dick. It seems, that Lily couldn't reverse what Lou had given Dick, but she could mess around with it a little. So, even though his Johnson was a great big husky ol' thing, ever time he tried to use it on some other woman, it just went soft. Viagra didn't he'p him, and it didn't matter, even if she tried to suck it, it was just limp. For three months or so, just about as long as he had been fooling around on me before the divorce, he had been dating his hand a lot, 'cause his desire didn't go away, he just couldn't get it up with another woman. So 'bout then he shows up on my doorstep one night, askin' if he can talk with me. "Jane," he was pleading, "you know I was only actin' like that because I was under Lou's spell. I couldn't he'p it. Please, think about takin' me back! I'll do anything to prove myself to ya. Ya know how ya always wanted me to lick ya back there, ya know what I mean. I'll do it. Y'all still want me to suck on yer toes for ya. Damn, I'd be heppy to." So my life with Dick started again. I just couldn't resist that new tool of his! But I keep him on a short leash, and I still see Lily on a regular basis. And anytime I need to get Dick back on the straight and narrow — I jest ask Lily to come over. She takes one look at Dick, an' he jest starts to quiver and shake. Like the feller said, don't piss off Lou, but you REALLY don't wanta piss of Lillith! Author's Afterword, Y'all notice that in this story, Lily and I DIDN'T send Hillary and Madonna to hell — so you can stop the pissin' and moanin'. We did get together with Ann Coulter, and had a hell of a good time with her. What a party animal! I gotta git Lily to sit a spell with her and talk about her eye makeup, though. All you Aggies out there. I didn't mean a word I said about A&M. I'm sure its a fine school. It jest ain't U.T. Austin. And you Longhorns, don't you git too puffed up. Jest to let you know who I follow, let's jest say that we were not 'tall pleased with that one-man team named Vince Evans at the Rose Bowl a few years back. And for all of you "Revenge", "Never Take Her Back", "She's Nothing but a Whore" shit fellers. Well, Lou still ain't took Lily back after 25,000 years! That enough for ya? Damn, I bet Lily wishes she was perfect like y'all. Special thanks to Dan Rather fer always sayin' those stupid phrases to show y'all that he still had his Texas roots. Bullshit! Jest another damnyankee New Yorker! And gawd only knows I don't need NO shit about my Texas writing. Y'all jest cut me a break, or I'm sendin' Lily after ya! Luv, to all y'all, Jane Don't Piss Off Lou He grinned. "I thought you would appreciate that touch. You don't have to worry about her straying again. At least not with another man." He looked at me meaningfully when he said that. "I'll keep my eyes open." I grinned as I said it. I called the barman and bought Lou a beer, and we sat in silence and sipped for a couple of minutes. I had a question that I had to ask. "You know, Lou, I was wondering. Aren't you supposed to get my soul for eternity for doing a big favor like what you did for me?" "Well, technically, yes." he said, a thoughtful look on his face, as he stared into space, "but sometimes, when a woman cuckolds a man, I get so angry about it that I give a freebie." "Whys that?" I had to know. "Its a long story and goes back a long time. Back to when I loved Lillith, the she demon. We had been an item for almost forever, until God decided to create Adam." he explained. "Just like you, I never suspected a thing, until some of the other demons decided to torment me with the news that Lillith was messing around with the new guy on the block. There she was cuckolding me with a mere human, and I was crushed. More than a few demons paid for my anger THAT DAY, let me tell you." "I tried to get her to come back, but noooo," he said with a sneer, "Adam was God's beloved, and so Lillith was going to marry him. She'd never even hinted to me about marriage before. Come to think of it, marriage didn't exist before that, but anyway.... I knew that her thing with Adam wouldn't last, and pretty soon Adam was fed up with her and got God to cast her back into the pit. She came back to me, but I wouldn't have anything to do with her. As far as I was concerned, she was damaged goods." "So what did you do then?" I asked. "I got my revenge, believe you me. I waited until Adam convinced God to create Eve for him, and one day out in the garden, I seduced her and gave her the big snake, just like Adam had done to me with Lillith. Boy was Eve easy! A few compliments, a couple of whispers about how Adam wasn't really all that great, and when I told her how exciting it was to try new things and described a few examples -- well, she ready to rock! And ever since then I have had a special place in hell for women who cuckold their husbands. Old big-nose Dante thought that betrayers were in the lowest level, but I never showed him the LOWER basement. You don't even want to know how I torment them!" His eyes glistened as he said that. "So what happened to Lillith?" I inquired. "She's still there, begging my forgiveness, hoping that someday I'll take her back. But why should I? I have Nefertiti, Cleopatra, Helen, Marie Antoinette, and a million others available. Madonna and Hillary in a couple of years. Why should I take back that old bag?" Well, that sounded pretty reasonable to me, and we bid a fond farewell as he walked out into the night, his tail swinging back and forth under the back of his coat. He wasn't quite finished, though. Glen's wife divorced him after he was arrested, while he was waiting for trial. The judge didn't allow him visiting rights with his kids; he said Glen was about the worst example of a father that a kid could have! I heard that after Glen was convicted, he was accidentally put into the general prison population, even though he was a smallish guy. They say he was gang banged every night, and that he learned to use his mouth better than any woman. I guess that one day someone decided that he should be a complete woman and used a shiv to cut off his dick and balls. After he got out of the hospital, the meanest guy in the prison, who I understand smells mildly of rotten eggs, made him his bitch, and Glen wears makeup and dresses now. Boy, ol' Lou just plain doesn't like folks who cuckold their spouses. Sally and I made it through her mistake, and we're still married today. Strange thing, though, she confesses all sorts of things to me and tells me I should punish her for being so bad. A good spanking always seems to help, and I don't mind -- its a husband's duty to keep his wife happy! * Author's note: The names have been changed in his story. I didn't think that Lars and Jan would like having their story published, so I called them Sven and Sally instead.