6 comments/ 5454 views/ 0 favorites A Very Good Jeeves By: Cromagnonman This is a parody of the Jeeves stories by P G Wodehouse in which the major characters of Jeeves, the 'Gentleman's Gentleman', and Bertie Wooster, the gentleman, are used. The situations in which the hapless Wooster finds himself are based rather loosely on those encountered in the original stories, as are those of the secondary characters. The principal differences between this and the originals are that while this narrative is by Bertie, Jeeves' thoughts are vocalised, albeit 'sotto voce', that is at a volume so as not to be heard, (these thoughts will be in brackets), and Jeeves is exhibiting a sexual life unheard of in the original stories. This story also has been in some small way influenced by the works of Caryl Brahms and S.J.Simon, authors of 'Don't Mr Disraeli', 'No Bed for Bacon' and 'A bullet in the ballet'. ***** "Good morning Sir, It is time for you to get out of your bed (you pathetic little toad), Sir." The words were softly spoken (sotto voce) and carried the due deference of the man's station as a 'Gentleman's Gentleman', or Butler/Valet, for this was Jeeves' lot in life, to serve the whims of his master, Mr Bertram (Bertie) Wooster. "Did you say something Jeeves?" I mumbled from the confines of the feather pillow. "I did indeed Sir, the sun is over the yardarm and the day is awaiting, as indeed is your breakfast. Your kipper sits even now in anticipation of your knife and fork. (And I hope you choke on it)." "Given the hour Jeeves, did I enjoy myself last evening?" "Indeed you did Sir, the young lady was dispatched home safe and happy. (Especially after I'd finished with her). Your clothes are laid out for you, and I remind you that your Aunt Lobelia is expecting you to dine with her at twelve." "What time is it?" "Eleven, sir." Jeeves smiled as he headed for the door. "Dash it all Jeeves, you should have woken me earlier." I shouted after the retreating Jeeves. Moments later I stumbled into the dining room where the table was set to greet me, my kipper stared brownly from my plate, my golden brown toasted bread, liberally spread with butter, and my tea freshly poured and steaming in my cup. "I say Jeeves, could you . . ." "I have taken the liberty of telephoning your Aunt, apologising on your behalf and telling her that you are not feeling well and are unable to dine today." ". . . Send a message to my Aunt. What was that you just said?" "That I have already spoken to your Aunt etcetera, Sir." "Very good Jeeves, good man. Now let me think, what am I to do today?" "You have arranged a game of whist at the Drones with Brommers (Wilfred Bromley) and Chauncey (Featherstonehaugh) this afternoon Sir, and you are to dine with that show lady that you were with last night, after her show." "I don't seem to remember much of last night, tell me, what is her name and is she pretty?" "Indeed she is sir, Miss Poppy Shaw is a comely young lady if I might say so." (With a great set of knockers and very accommodating in bed if I might also say so. Why the hell do you think that I arranged this?) "Very good Jeeves." I uttered as I wiped my mouth on my napkin before sipping my tea. "I can't understand why I can't remember her if she was so pretty. (Because you were dead to the world and I was giving her a right good going over in my bed.) Oh well, I must be off, toodle pip old Bean, now where did I put my hat?" "On your head, Sir." "Yes, here it is. Well then, I must away." I don't normally scurry, except when I am about to be descended on by the wretched Aunt Lobelia, but this am, I scurried from my flat only moments before a cab pulled to the kerb disgorging two ladies, an irate Aunt Lobelia and Cousin Honoria onto the pavement. Bertie's Aunt Lobelia Glossop had decided to take over his affairs following the death of her brother Claude Wooster in the Great War. Claude was the brother of Emmaline who was married to Sir Roger Podger, Squire of Blandings Hall. Sir Roger had been recently widowed and was attempting to raise, with the help of Beltrane the Housekeeper, three children, his eldest son Roger, known as Roger the Two by his chums at Oxford, Stephanie, known to her friends at school as Stiffy, a name she has retained, and Timothy, 'Timbo' who has shown little interest in anything other than fast motor cars since childhood, a phase in his life that he has only recently abandoned. The final member of the Podger ménage is Aunt Agatha, widowed sister of Sir Roger who had retired to her room in mourning and spent her day adding black stitches to a large black tapestry hanging. She could have achieved the desired result with a large brush and pot of black paint. She appears, wraithlike, at meal times where she will silently chew her food before retiring to her room and needle and black thread. Jeeves opened the door in response to her vigorous application of the knocker, to admit an irate Aunt and timid Cousin. "I say Jeeves, was that Bertie I observed disappearing into the mid-distance?" "Indeed it was madam, he had an urgent appointment to attend." (And my plan to get him out of the flat so that I can give the two of you my uninterrupted attention is working nicely.) "But the message said that he was officially on death's door, and that is the reason that we rushed over here, to minister to his demise." She had removed her hat and loosened the button at the throat of her dress. Meanwhile Cousin Honoria had also removed her bonnet and was further advanced in disrobing than her mother, for she was desperate to feel Jeeves' enormous shaft between her legs before her mother, and he was worn out. Her skirts were on the floor and she was spread on the sofa, her bare legs well parted and her lips gleaming wetly from her bush. Jeeves was in her in a trice, his loins bouncing up and down as he thrust into her. "I want to ride the cock horse Jeeves." Honoria cried after her first come. Jeeves withdrew from her and stretched on the sofa with her straddling him. She began with a trot before moving at a canter, her breasts jiggling nicely in time with her rise and fall. Her pace increased until she had entered into a full blooded gallop. "Aha a fence, up and over Jeeves! Tallyho!!" Jeeves' hips rose and carried her over the fence and into a field of softly flowing grain. "I say Jeeves, that was jolly good." She panted as her exhaustion took over and she fell on him and purred into his neck. "Jeeves, what about me, here I've stood frigging myself like the devil while you have had the pleasure of Honoria. It's my turn." "Very well Madam, climb aboard and sit on my face and tell me that you love me." Honoria sat up while her mother climbed on board and presented her well-worn vagina to Jeeves' waiting tongue. "Ah this is the life. How long do you think young Bertie will stay out?" "He will return for an early dinner before venturing forth to the theatre." "And I suppose that he will be seeing some little floozy that he's so potty over, will he?" "By the time he gets to the theatre he will not be capable of seeing anything, I'll deposit him in her dressing room for the duration of the show, before pouring him into a cab and bring him dribbling home. He will have no recollection of the previous evening's festivities when he wakes in the morning." "Then why does she do this?" "I have taken it on myself to give her lessons on how to behave like a lady, so that she will be able to find some old gentleman who will fall in love with her, and offer to take her away from her sordid life to a pleasant existence in his ancestral pile in the country. And who will obligingly expire, leaving her with a great deal of money and angry relatives." (And because she is enraptured by my abilities with my ancestral pile driver.) "You will make someone a very happy woman some day Jeeves, you are so thoughtful. (And very good as a swordsman.)" Sighed Honoria. "Indeed miss." (But not you.) "Jeeves." "Yes Madam?" "Do you remember Bertie's Cousin Stephanie Podger, Jeeves?" "Indeed I do Madam." (I remember her very well.) "It would seem that she still carries a torch for this Godfrey Henshaw chap that she met while on hols last summer. It took a considerable amount of the old moolah to see him gone, but it seems as if her torch, instead of sputtering and dying from lack of fuel, is still very much alight." "Indeed Madam." "It just won't do Jeeves. I have plans for her and Rodney Thorne-Henry. What am I to do, she's potty over this Godfrey person and has completely cut off Rodney. She won't even talk to him, and every time he comes calling she finds some excuse to absent herself from the house." "Has she seen this Godfrey person of late?" "No. Once we had loaded his pockets with the readies, he toddled off as a private secretary to his uncle on a grand tour of the Amazon. We had high hopes when word filtered back that said uncle had been devoured by the savages, that he would have suffered a similar fate. As luck would have it he has re-emerged from the jungle and is back on our shores and writing soppy letters to Stephanie. What are we to do?" "I suppose that Sir Roger has laid down the law and has shackled her firmly to the ancestral seat?" "Yes indeed. He has posted the grounds staff at all corners of the park with explicit orders to drag her back if she should attempt to escape. He has instructed Roger the Two to follow her around like a lap dog, and not let her out of his sight." "That I fear madam will not succeed. A young lady, similarly confined, will find a way to evade capture." "What would you do Jeeves?" "Distract her." (I would be only too willing to be that distraction.) "Distract her?" "Indeed madam, find an outlet for the energies that she is using for her escape bid, and channel them into something else." "I'm afraid that this will never do, she has no interests other than pining over this Godfrey person. I have arranged for you and Bertie to go down and stay at Blandings Hall, maybe Bertie can keep her amused, he's vapid enough." At Blandings Hall, plotters were plotting. Roger the Two had just wiped his plate clean with a thick slab of bread, and pushed his chair back from the table. "Are you sure that you've had enough?" Beltrane, the Podger's Housekeeper said. She had never ceased to be amazed at the quantity of fodder Roger, the elder Podger child, could shovel into his mouth at a sitting. Six hours without sustenance had imbued him with the appetite of three. The younger Roger Podger was a corpulent fellow whose circumference was rapidly approaching in inches double his height. He was shortly to attain his twenty first birthday, preparations for which were taking up much of Beltrane's time. Along with Blackford the Butler, she was marshalling the troops of servants, polishing the ballroom and making sure that the floor was well prepared for the dancing that would take place following the banquet. Cook had engaged additional staff for the kitchen and Blackford was preparing the waiters and waitresses in their duties. Gallons of ales and wines had arrived and were stored in the cellars along with cases of whisky and brandy. The invitations had been sent and acceptances received, the number of which equalled the invitations, after all a celebration of this moment was something not to be missed. The last thing that was needed was having to continually watch Stephanie in case she should make a dash for freedom and her young man. "Is there more?" Roger looked hungrily at her. "Oh you are being sarcastic again. Beltrane, I just simply cannot satisfy my appetite." "You do remember that you are supposed to be keeping a weather eye on your sister, don't you?" "Where can she get to, there are twenty people scattered thither and yon, watching her with a hawklike gaze." "If anyone can find a way it will be she. Now, to the watchtower with you." He rose heavily to his feet and shambled off to find his sister, who even now was engaged in an earnest conversation with Timothy (Timbo), the younger Podger. Roger stopped at the door. "I must go to town this afternoon, I will stay over at the Carrington and come back on the train in the morning." "If you must." Beltrane had long given up trying to keep the children at home. Meanwhile at the rear of the house. "I say, Timbo?" Timbo had just finished applying a generous layer of polish to the gleaming occupant of the engine compartment of his new motor. "Isn't she a beauty? I had her up to sixty last evening, and that was along the drive." His brand new two seater Alvis gleamed greenly in the morning sunlight. "The gardeners are complaining to Pater about the gravel that you scatter over the lawns as you come round the bend leading up to the house. They have to get down on their hands and knees and pick the stones out before it is safe to mow." "That gives them something to do." "Timbo?" "I don't like the sound of this. You are not going to get me to smuggle another love letter to your gentleman, are you?" "No, I want you to smuggle me down to London when you go tomorrow morning." "What? You'll have me sent to the Colonies or worse if the Pater should find out." "But he won't find out. All I want you to do is to smuggle me in your motor when you drive into London tomorrow a.m. I will catch a train home and walk back from the station. I'll be home almost before I'm missed." "Almost, how will you explain your absence if you are missed?" "I've taken up rambling. I'll have been on a twenty mile stroll through the countryside." "I don't see how I can smuggle you in this car, there's little enough room as it is." "If you wheel it back into the barn I can sneak into it and scrunch down on the floor. Then you put the cover thing over me and off we go." In her room Aunt Agatha applied another black stitch to her tapestry. "What did Lobelia want Jeeves?" I had just sauntered in from a pleasant afternoon at the Drones. Unfortunately I was collared by Bingo Little, who loaded me down with news of his latest love, and was plying all and sundry with a most magnificent Madeira by way of celebration. I wouldn't venture the opinion that I was in my cups, but there was a certain wooliness in my head. "Your Aunt has arranged an invitation for you to meet her at Blandings Hall on the morrow. It would appear that Sir Roger has a problem that involves your cousin Stephanie and a young chap that she met some time ago, and for whom she still carries a torch." "Dash it all Jeeves, what am I supposed to do about it. If you remember, Stiffy and I don't seemed to be bosom pals at all. She simply takes it into her brain to treat me like an imbecile." (I knew there was something else that I liked about the girl) "Indeed Sir?" "The last time our paths crossed I ended up in deep water with Sir Roger and it wasn't my fault. She contrived with her friend Maud to get that person's little brother Tuppy to creep into his room in the dead of night and puncture his hot water bottle with a darning needle on a long stick that he inserted from the foot of the bed. When the old boy woke feeling a tad soaked, he stormed down to my room, in some way thinking my good self to blame for this outrage, and woke me from my innocent slumbers He then threw me out of my own bed. Then she had young Tuppy do the same to my bed on the mistaken impression that it was I that snored in the night. The despicable Stiffy then had the hide to secrete the offending harpoon under the bed I was asleep in. If you remember we had to bolt for home in the small hours before the rest of the house stirred." "Indeed Sir." He continued packing the necessaries into my case in preparation for the journey on the following p.m. "I say Jeeves, Aunt Lobelia didn't mention a name for this person did she?" "I don't believe she did Sir." "Oh, you see I bumped into Bingo Little this p.m. and he mentioned that he was, at one time, in love with Stiffy, I was wondering if it was he that she was intent on preventing from getting a toehold with her." "I don't believe that it was Mr Little that she had in mind." He sauntered and packed. It sprang into my mind that Maud Basset had blighted my existence for some time now, taking great delight in inserting me into some wretched scheme or other. She had an older brother, Lancelot (Lanky Lance) who, it had been said, would never marry because his love interest revolved around a certain person who was presently starring in a production of 'Swan Lake' as the male lead. Polite society chose to ignore this indiscretion. At Blandings Hall the alarm was raised at ten when Stephanie had not come down to breakfast. Her room was searched but no sign of her existed. The grounds were scoured but again no sign. "I'm sorry Sir Roger, but there's no trace to be found of Stephanie. The servants have scoured the countryside and a thorough search has been made of the house. She has slipped away unseen. The only person to leave the house this morning has been Timothy and he was on his own." "I'm sure that she will turn up eventually." Roger had other things on his mind. The dreadful Winifred had collared him as he munched his way through his breakfast of B & E (bacon and eggs) and sausage. "Sir Roger, we really must make an effort to record your family history, I feel that I'm not earning the salary that you are paying me." "Harrumph. I will see to it as soon as I have taken my morning constitutional around the grounds." "But sir, that's what you said yesterday, and the day before. You can't keep putting it off like this. I'm sorry, that just slipped out." "My dear girl, I don't give a fig for the family history and if it weren't for my family, in particular my sister, I'd gladly forget about the whole jolly thing." "But I feel that I'm not doing anything, and if it wasn't for Timothy showing me around the grounds I don't know what I'd do, and he's shot off to London this morning." Winifred found herself with much to do a short time later when the search for Stephanie was instigated. When all avenues had been exhausted, and Beltrane's panic had subsided somewhat, Winifred had a thought. "I wonder." "You wonder what?" Beltrane asked. "I was just thinking that if I had wanted to slip out unseen, I would have asked Timothy to smuggle me out in his motor car." "But he was on his own." "He may not have been. Did he have the cover over the passenger's side of the car?" "Yes." "That must be it! She climbed in under the cover and he drove out with her in his car." "I hope you're right." Beltrane was somewhat mollified. In her room Aunt Agatha threaded some more black into her needle. "Thank you so much Timbo. I'll see you at home this evening, and mum's the word." She waved as his car sped off. Godfrey had said that he'd meet her in the tea rooms next to the Carrington and she was just about to cross the road when she saw Roger the Two decamping from a cab in front of the hotel. He swayed on his feet and looked around him as he willed his feet to carry him to the safety of the interior. His eyes lit on Stephanie as she was about to step from the pavement. "I say, Stephanie, what are you doing here?" He waved his brolly at her. "Blast it!" She was just about to turn tail and run from him when a cab slowed in the traffic, blocking his view. Seizing the opportunity, she opened the door and jumped in, almost landing in the lap of the passenger. "Sorry." She mumbled to his shirtfront. "While I must admit to being alarmed by your arrival, I must say that I am not unhappy by it." He spoke with a trans-Atlantic accent. Stephanie scrambled into the seat beside him. "I don't mean to disturb you but I just had to get away from someone that I saw just now." A Very Good Jeeves "I say!" A voice struggling for breath arrived at the same time as Roger. "Sir, stop the cab!" He banged on the side of the cab. "Drive on, cabbie." The occupant ordered. Turning to Stephanie he introduced himself. "My name is Leroy Weston at your service." "My name is Stephanie, Stephanie Podger. Are you an American?" "That I am. I am here in London for the production of my show, 'The Girl Who Is', at the Hippodrome." "Are you a singer?" "Heavens no, if I warbled a single word the show would close in a minute. I wrote the show." "How clever of you. Is it popular?" "Yes indeed it is. I'm on my way to meet the Girl Who Is, she has been having problems with one of those 'stage door Johnnies', he has been pestering her for weeks now, and it is driving her to distraction. She wants me to go with her to see a man who has befriended her, he seems to be a whizz at fixing problems." "I say, sir, stop this cab this instant." The puffing Roger had managed to catch up to the cab as the traffic waited for the Constable to get around to releasing the line of cars going in their direction. He wrenched the door open to find the male passenger and female passenger engaged in an unseemly embrace. He had his top coat draped around her shoulders, shielding her garments from view. "Unhand that woman this instant! I must talk to her." "I'll ask you to not disturb me sir. Leave me alone or I'll. . ." "You'll what you brigand?" "This." Leroy snatched Roger's topper from his head and threw it onto the road. Roger spun out of the car and began to run after his hat that was being bowled along by the wind. He was so intent on retrieving it that he overlooked the presence of the constable directing traffic, and crashed into him, sending him sprawling onto the road. Seeing the policeman sprawled on the roadway, Roger grabbed his errant hat and sprinted away as fast as he could, followed by the sound of a police whistle and the shouted instructions to "Stop that man!" Another Constable stepped in front of Roger and held up his hand in the customary signal to stop, which Roger, in his haste to escape, ignored. Roger and the Constable found themselves in a tangle of arms and legs on the pavement. "You'd better come with me sir." The policeman instructed. "I'll do no such thing, out of my way. If you hadn't leaped in front of me I wouldn't have collided with you, so it's all your fault." "You've had a long night it would seem, and have seen the bottom of many glasses, and this has affected your behaviour to such an extent that I must run you in for behaving in a disorderly manner." "I am not drunk. I saw someone I knew and when I went to speak to her this man attacked me and threw my topper onto the roadway. I was trying to retrieve it when the other Constable got in my way. He took offence at this and summoned reinforcements and you joined the fray." "That may be well and good sir, but the fact is that you have assaulted not one, but two policemen and we cannot have that sort of behaviour going on. Come quietly sir, before you find yourself in more trouble." It was a short walk to the watch house and Roger soon found himself seated on a hard bunk in a cell. The Magistrate had said some unsavoury things about him setting a bad example that could not go unpunished, before sending him to the cells to see the night out. He would be released, on payment of a fine of ten shillings, in the morning. The cab pulled up outside Poppy's digs and she rushed out and jumped into it. "Thank you so much for this Leroy. Who's your friend?" She had noticed Stephanie seated close to Leroy. "This is Stephanie, Stephanie, Poppy, the star of our show. Stephanie was being accosted by some ruffian and I rescued her." The two girls smiled to each other. "He's a regular hero, a knight in shining armour is our Leroy. I bet he even climbs trees to rescue pussy cats." "I can believe that, he rescued me." Stephanie leant against Leroy's chest. "Here we are, this is the place." Poppy pointed to the front of Bertie's flats. "That's where Bertie lives." Stephanie said as the cab stopped. "You know Bertie do you?" Poppy asked. "Yes, he is by way of being a cousin of mine. Now don't tell me that you are seeing him to get advice on something?" "No, not him, his man Jeeves is the man, a veritable man of wisdom." "A veritable something." Stephanie was remembering the last time that she and Jeeves had been in each other's company. Bertie was asleep in the next room and she had been afraid that she might wake him when Jeeves had brought her to her climax. Jeeves had just poured my tea and laid on a buttered scone with strawberry jam when the door knocker knocked. He breezed off to see who it was. There were voices from the direction of the portal that I chose to ignore, that was until a female voice breezed into the room. It was that of Stiffy, the young cousin whose torch I had been instructed to douse. "What ho Bertie!" she exuded. "I've heard a rustling in the hedgerows telling me that you are expected at Blandings Hall this pm, would your visit have anything to do with a certain letter writer?" "I have been asked to take your mind off the daily post, although I don't see that I can do anything about it, once you've set your heart on something there's no stopping you. Who is that with you?" "A couple of theatrical people that I happened to bump into just now. I believe that you might know them, at least you're familiar with the young lady." Just then Jeeves ushered in the love of my life Poppy Shaw and some long drip of a man with teeth that would not look out of place on a Steinway. "Hello Bertie, Jeeves tells me that I won't be having the pleasure of your company at the show tonight. Something about having to rescue some damsel from the clutches of a bounder who has been more enthusiastic than poetic with the pen." "What brings you here at this time of the day?" I was hoping that she would say that her devastation by my absence was too much to bear. "I've come to seek advice. As you know that in New York if we have a problem with and over-enthusiastic stage door Johnny, we just tip the word to the doorman, and he sees him off. I take it that here we do not have that course open to us. There has been this fantastically bloated gent hanging around the stage door and making life a misery for me and one of the other girls. He has eased off somewhat since you have been calling on my dressing room, but poor Millie doesn't know what to do. He has even gone so far as to propose marriage to her and presenting her with a rock the size of a pigeon's egg to hang from her finger. I thought that you and Jeeves might come up with a solution." "If I may, Sir." Jeeves interposed. "I have suggested that Miss Poppy and Mr Weston here, should repair to Blandings Hall for a few days. Mr Weston is currently writing his next play and is looking for some quietude to concentrate." "I rather think that will not be possible. Big brother's twenty-first is on Saturday and the place will be swelled to breaking point with guests. But, if you come down tomorrow to join one of the tours of the place I might have come up with a solution. When are you going down Bertie?" "This very afternoon as soon as Jeeves has finished packing." "Good, you can run me home, you see I've absented myself from home without the knowledge of Pater and he'll be very angry when I get back. I was going to catch the afternoon train and walk home from the station but there's a certain risk of being seen involved, but if you could drop me off just outside the grounds, I can cut through the trees and across the fields." "Won't they enquire where you have been all day?" "I've told Timbo to tell them that I have taken up rambling. When they ask me I'll tell them that I have just returned from a long walk in the countryside." "If I may make a suggestion miss, if you wish to add some verisimilitude to your tale, we should drive you home and spread the word that we came across you hobbling along the road with a damaged ankle." Jeeves said. "Perhaps if we were to apply a bandage to the ankle and you hobble in, shoe in hand, the folks will not doubt your story." Leroy said." "I say, what a positively brill idea." Stiffy said. Jeeves obviously agreed because he soon appeared with a suitable length of bandaging. "Allow me." Leroy said. "Here, sit down and lift your leg up onto my knee." He untied her shoe lace and removed the shoe from her perfectly good foot. "You have a very trim ankle Stephanie." For once in her life Stiffy was backward in producing a witty rejoinder. "That should do the trick." Leroy seemed reluctant to release the foot. Stiffy gazed intently into his eyes, her face bearing the russet hues of a ripe pomegranate. "The motor is ready Sir." Jeeves intoned. I said a heartfelt farewell to Poppy and a diffident one to Leroy. "Shall we meet on the morrow at Blandings then?" "Most definitely. I can't wait to see a proper English country estate and a proper English Country Squire." Leroy enthused. "I don't know about proper, but I can vouch for the English." With Jeeves in control of the steering wheel, we made splendid time to Blandings Hall and, in a veritable trice, glided to a sedate stop in front of the front door. "Where have you been young lady?" Beltrane interrogated as she rushed down the steps to meet us. "The young miss has sprained her ankle while out walking." Jeeves interposed, helping Stiffy from the motor. "We found her tottering along the roadway and stopped to pick her up. I'm afraid that she was almost unable to walk, but she was soldiering on because she knew that you would be worried for her safety. If we hadn't come along when we did, and applied bandaging to her ankle, night would have fallen before she had arrived home." "Didn't Timbo inform you that I have taken up rambling and have been at it since the early hours? I didn't want to wake anyone to inform them of my departure, but I passed Timbo tinkering with his infernal machine." "He seemed to have neglected to inform us of that, he was more intent in mooning after that Winifred person that your father has employed as his secretary. Your father spends most of his day avoiding her." "How is Daddy?" Stiffy asked by way of changing the subject. "Your father is your father." We were ushered indoors by Blackford and escorted to our allotted accommodations. Jeeves unpacked my clothing and toothbrush. "Well Jeeves, we need to establish the lie of the land so to speak, who is here and for what purpose" "Very good Sir, I shall interview the staff." The evening nourishment turned out to be a sombre affair. Roger the Two had telephoned from London to inform the Pater that he would be residing temporarily in the local cells. "It was all a terrible misunderstanding. I thought that I had spied Stephanie waltzing down the street and called to her." "Roger has been detained by the constabulary, he said something about seeing you in London this morning." "It could not have been me I was enjoying the joys of rambling the countryside." "Well it certainly looked like her." Roger said when the denial was related to him. "I accosted the cab and found a gentleman and young lady behaving in an unseemly fashion, and this brigand thrust my hat from my head and I had to chase it down the road. I, unfortunately came into collision with this Bobby and knocked him to the ground. His immediate reaction was to attempt to have me taken in charge for assaulting him. Another constable intervened and I told him to unhand me, and he accused me of assaulting him as well. The beak must have risen on the wrong side of the cot, because he viewed the whole episode in a jaundiced manner and had me placed in the cells overnight. I will be free on the morrow on the contribution of ten shillings to the Crown." Stiffy could barely contain her amusement. "Who would have thought it, my brother the hardened criminal? They will have to lay on extra fodder, I can't imagine him surviving more than an hour on prison rations." "It is no laughing matter young girl." The senior Roger harrumphed. After dinner Sir Roger retired to his study and stamp collection. Stiffy and I began a spirited game of whist, while Timbo managed to corner Winnie in the billiard room. "I say Winnie, care for a game?" "I don't know how to play." "Then I shall teach you." He set the table up and took a cue from the rack. "Take this cue stick and place your other hand on the table. Now rest the cue on your thumb and under your index finger like this." He took her hand gently and positioned, the touch introducing his stammer back into the game. "N-n-n-ow, l-l-l-ine up the w-w-w-white b-b-ball w-w-w-w ith-th w-w-w-one of th-th-th, c-c-coloured b-b-b-alls. Th-th-the idea is t-t-t-o kn-n-n-ock th-th-the c-c-c-coloured b-b-b-all into w-w-w-one of th-th-the p-p-p-ockets." "Like this?" She hit the ball and it missed the ball that she was aiming at but bounced off the cushion and knocked a different coloured ball into a side pocket. "I say, jolly good shot." His stammer had disappeared as quickly as it had begun. "Just a lucky shot." "Now you must hit one of the red balls into a pocket." "Why a red ball?" "I don't know, but it's what you have to do." Winnie bent over the table and lined up the cue ball. Timbo stood close behind her and bent over her. At first Winnie froze on the spot, but the warmth of his loins pressing against her arse, and the touch of his hardening cock caused her to push back onto him. She liked Timothy, even though he was a year or two younger than she was, he had shown a liking for her company that she found pleasant. Timbo's arms were around her now and he pulled her closer to him. "What are you doing?" "I, Winnie, I, dash it, I love you." Winnie turned in his arms and kissed him. "Do you know what it is that you're saying?" "Yes dash it, a chap has to blurt it out, or else he will never get around to saying what he thinks." "Come with me." She led him to her room. A passer-by would have, sometime later, heard the squeals of delight, his, as Winnie educated the young Timothy on the finer points of a new and different, for him at least, game. Stiffy sat on Bertie's bed. "I say Bertie, if you weren't my cousin I'd be wanting to shag you." Her hand was resting on his cock. "But I can't, so I must toddle off and get some shut-eye, we have a busy day tomorrow, your lady friend will be down and bringing her writer chap with her, I hope." "You've taken a shine to that Yankee chappie, haven't you?" "Yes, he's the bee's knees as far as I'm concerned. Must away." She closed the door behind her and went off down the corridor. As she reached her room she met Jeeves coming up from the servants' quarters. "Ah hah, Jeeves, just the chap I want to talk to, come in." She opened the door to her room and they both entered. "Now about tomorrow, how am I going to cut Leroy from the herd so that I can get him on my own?" "I happen to know that he is partial to roses, you could invite him to smell yours." "Jolly good Jeeves, and then with a little luck I can entice him to sample the aroma of my other petals. Would you like to tell me if they smell sweet enough?" "Very good miss." "Good-o." She threw off her clothes and then had to wait patiently while Jeeves slowly removed his and folded them neatly over a chair. "I say hurry on won't you, I'm waiting to feel your pole in me." Jeeves' performance was adequate to the occasion but, could have been better if he hadn't already had a previous encounter with one of the new pantry maids. Stiffy was so excited at feeling his prodigious cock inside her, that she did not detect any deficiencies in him. "Ah Jeeves, you are such a wonderful shag. I want more of you, now." "Don't you think miss, that you should be saving yourself for your American friend?" "No dash it! I can have another go with you and still be fit for him, that is if I can entice him into my boudoir." "You will have no problems in that area, he would have to be blind not to be blinded by your charms." Jeeves dropped by with my night cap. "I say Jeeves, how am I to get to speak to Poppy on the morrow?" "I have devised a plan Sir." "Good chap, I knew that your brain has been thus occupied this pm. Spill it man, what devious plot have you come up with?" "I am not able to reveal the plan just yet. (Mainly because none has come to mind) Shall we just leave it that, in due course it shall be swung into action?" "Jolly good. I shall leave the plotting to your agile mind while I nod off in blissful ignorance." "Very good, Sir." (So what is new?) With that he retired to his bed-chamber. In her room Aunt Agatha sat back and admired her work. The morning began with Jeeves bringing me my morning cup of tea. "What news Jeeves, what have the stirrings of this am brought to Blandings Hall?" "It would appear that Master Timothy has succeeded in enticing Winifred into his bed." "Tish tosh Jeeves, that is of no consequence. What of the plans?" "A coach is expected at ten this morning with a tour party. I have ascertained that both Miss Poppy and Mister Weston will be on board." "You must waylay the party and point Miss Shaw in my direction." "I'm afraid that will not be possible in the first instant Sir." "Dash it man, why not?" "It is your job to intercept the morning post and rifle through the missives and extract any from the amourous gentleman. I shall endeavour to direct Miss Shaw to the garden shed where you will be waiting for her." "The garden shed Jeeves?" "Yes Sir. If you remember it is removed from the other buildings and has a comfortable bench that you may be able to put to use." "But what will I do while I'm waiting for her arrival." "Potter among the pots Sir." "And soil my hands? I have some misgivings about this plan of yours. I shall retire to my bed and you must inform her that I am on death's door, and require her to minister to my final moments." "As you wish, Sir. Breakfast is being served downstairs." I don't know what has got into Jeeves this am, he seems to have lost his touch. I dressed in suitable attire and proceeded to the breakfast table. Sir Roger was gnashing into a large plate of B&E with mountains of thickly buttered toast. Timothy and Winifred were exchanging dewy eyed glances across the linen. Aunt Agnes, as usual decided not to grace the table with her presence, choosing instead, to dine abed. Stiffy bounced in full of beans. "What ho Pater, Bertie, what an absolutely brilliant day." "Your foot seems to have made an amazing recovery." Observed Sir Roger over a forkful of bacon. "Nothing like the application of liniment and a peaceful night's repose to cure the aching limb. You should try rambling instead of burying your nose in those wretched stamps." "He should be working on the family history." Winnie said. "I feel that my time is being wasted here. I should think it best if I were to return to London and resume my job there." "I say, hold on." Timbo chopped in. "I'm sure that we can find other ways of occupying your time here." "Are you saying that you want me to stay?" "Yes. Pater, I'm sure that there must be some kind a meaningful labour that we can put Miss Grainger to? She can work on the seating arrangements and write up the place cards for Roger Two's party on Saturday." "But I don't know the people that are coming. What if I sat two people together who absolutely detested each other?" "I can work with you to prevent that happening." Timbo said to her. It was obvious, even to my brain, that this plan had been discussed at length in the wee small hours. A Very Good Jeeves "That would be . . . nice." She said, staring at the napkin that she had screwed up into a tiny ball. "Then it's decided." Timbo said, failing to hide his elation. Stiffy looked at me and I looked at her, our knowing smiles collided over the platter of kippers. The morning post arrived minutes before the coachload of the paying public. Loaded down with the pile of missives, I toddled off to the library to sort through them and remove the offending correspondence. By the time that I realised that the letter did not exist, the tour was well advanced, so I followed Jeeves' instructions to a 'T' and toddled off to the garden shed. Meanwhile the tour was perambulating down the corridor of the West Wing when Poppy spied Sir Roger with his head in his stamp albums. Slipping away from the group, she let herself into his study. "Hi Daddy, working on your stamps?" Sir Roger looked up at this apparition standing before him, and any thoughts of ordering her from the room dissolved. "What? Yes, I'm trying to get them into some sort of order. Do I catalogue them in order of date, or country, or value and rarity? It gives me a head ache every time I look at them." "My collection is by country and date, with the really valuable ones on a separate page of their own." "Do you collect stamps?" "Yes. I started by collecting stamps from every country I played in, and it sort of grew from there." "Every country that you played in? Are you a theatrical person?" "Yes, I'm currently playing at the Hippodrome in Leroy Weston's musical, 'The Girl who is'. I am the girl who is." "I say, my son Roger has been talking about it non-stop since it opened. He has been to see it every second night. He was all excited about the leading lady at one stage, but then he said that one of the chorus girls was the bee's knees." "Let me look at what you have here." Poppy grabbed a chair and placed it beside Sir Roger's. "My you have so many, this will take months to sort through and remount." "I try to do as much as I can, if only to avoid my secretary who insists that I work on the family history. This family has not done anything to deserve a history to be written about them. My great-grandfather ran off with his brother's wife, but that was nothing to be proud of. My ancestors managed to avoid all of the wars, so we have no Generals or Colonels. One hereditary trait of the Podgers was chronic seasickness, so no Admirals in the family either. While wealthy, we were not known for our benefaction, we did not seek public office, all in all a boring family." "You are not boring. You have this magnificent collection of stamps that looks to be the equal of any that I have ever seen, and I visit collectors all the time." "Would you like to help me put my collection in order?" "I would love to, but I have my public to think of. I can't just walk out on the show now, can I?" "I suppose not, but there must be some way. You love stamps, you're a bright young thing and I must have you, here working with me I mean." "I would love to Sir Podger, I really would." "In this country it's Sir Roger, we use the Christian name and not the surname like you Yanks do. You can forget the formality and just call me Roger." "And you must call me Poppy." "Very well Poppy. If you have nothing better to do, will you spend some time with me and my stamps?" "I'd love to, where do we start?" "I say sir." Jeeves spoke softly to Leroy. "The young lady that you helped yesterday wishes to thank you. If you would follow me I will take her to you." "Lead on MacDuff." Jeeves led him away from the group. "I have an idea. It would seem that you were somewhat taken by young Stephanie, as she was with you. And you are looking for a quiet place to write your next play. I have made enquiries in the local village, and there is a small cottage that can be rented for a reasonable fee. It is very convenient to the rear gate to the Blandings' grounds. It would provide you with the perfect place for your literary endeavours." "I say Jeeves, you are something else again. That would seem to be a very great idea. Who do I see about taking this cottage for a short time?" "That has already been arranged, Sir." Having rearranged the pots in every way that I could think of, I gave up waiting for Poppy to arrive, so I strolled back towards the house. As I rounded the corner I spied the Western chappie striding across the lawns towards the rose garden. I decided to follow, he had no right to be in this part of the place. I almost collided with him as he entered into a deep conversation with Stiffy. I decided to leave them to it and hoofed it back to the house. "I say Jeeves, do you know who I just spied striding purposefully across the park?" "Mr Weston I would think." "And when I caught up to him I found him in deep and meaningful conversation with Stiffy." "Indeed Sir." "Indeed, indeed Jeeves. Do you know what this means?" "I have no idea Sir." "It means that the bounder has set his sights on Stiffy and her share of the family fortune. We must do something to stop this." "What would you suggest, Sir?" "We must break the news to Sir Roger! Immediately Jeeves." "I don't think that would be a wise solution, Sir." "Why ever not. We can't let just anyone get their hands on the family moolah now, can we?" "Mr Weston is a very wealthy man, Sir." "What? He's in the theatre and everyone knows that theatrical types have no money." "It would seem that his shows have been very successful both here and in New York. In any case he seems to be a vast improvement on the letter writer." "But Jeeves, the chap is a jolly American." "I had noticed that, Sir." "Oh you had, had you? Well what are we to do about it?" "If you remember, in the past Stephanie's liaisons have, in most cases, lasted only a short time and then someone else comes along to take her mind off the first fellow. If it is to be that this does not happen, then we may have to do something about it. Allow it time to sink or swim." "I suppose so. Have you seen Poppy? She was supposed to come to the garden shed. I waited for simply hours and she made no appearance. Not a sign of her in that whole time. I wonder where she is." "By now she must be comfortably seated on the bus for the return journey." "Dash it Jeeves, I thought that the whole point of getting her and that Weston chappie to tootle on down was so that I could confront her and spend some time with her." "Indeed Sir. That would seem to have been the plan." "But it failed Jeeves! I shan't see her until after this binge on Saturday night." "Indeed Sir." The dinner bell rang and we tooled on down to the dining hall. Timbo and Winnie continued their dewy eyed yearnings from across the table. Roger the two had arrived home from his brush with the constabulary and confining to the cells. He tucked into the roast beef with gusto, demolishing serve after serve of the juicy roast and veg. Stiffy had a far-off look in her eyes and picked at her food. Was she pining over the lack of missive in today's post, or was she pining for the absent Mr Weston? As for Sir Roger, he was as distant as always except for a brief moment mid-meal. "I shall be travelling to London on the morrow and would be back on Saturday for the festivities." "What? There is so much still to do." "But you can do it all yourselves, you don't need me to trip over. Timothy and Winifred have the guest list and the seating arrangements under control, or they will if they can keep their minds on the job." This brought a bright redness to the faces of both of them. "Beltrane and Blackford have the catering under control, the decorations will be put up on Saturday morning. What do you need me for?" "You haven't been to town for over two years, why the sudden urge to go now?" Roger the Two asked. "Now that you have vacated the place, I feel that it is safe to make an appearance." "That's most unkind of you Pater, It wasn't my fault that I was apprehended and detained." With still two days to go before the shindig, Jeeves and I felt left out of things. I thought of slipping back to town to see Poppy once more. I confided as much to Jeeves, but the man would not hear of it. "But Sir, you have a task to perform. That is why you were invited down. You are to intercept any missive from that detestable Henshaw toad." "Dash it Jeeves, once the letter has been intercepted and removed, there is nothing left for me to do. Stiffy has been wandering off on some mission or other, so I don't have her verbal jousting to contend with." "The time will soon be over Sir. You can then return to your hectic social routine, pleased with a job well done." (And I can get back to Lobelia and Honoria, as well as any other young thing that you become infatuated with. What a life, having a master who thoughtfully provides me with a never ending supply of lissom young ladies, and has not yet figured out why they lose interest in him after he brings them home.) "There is that to it I suppose." Three more stitches made their appearance on Aunt Agatha's tapestry. Friday dawned, and with it a surprise. There was no sign of Timbo at breakfast. Nor was there any sign of the Winifred girl. A search party was dispatched to search their rooms, and they returned with an even bigger surprise. A note. "Dear Pater and family," It began in Timbo's hand. "By now you will have realised that I am now longer in habitation. I have eloped with my darling Winnie. We have applied for a Marriage Licence and are heading even now for Caxton Hall to be married. We intend to return for the party and then to our honeymoon. Love Timothy." This was followed, in Winnie's hand by, "I'm so very happy, Winifred Grainger, soon to be Podger." Stiffy did her now familiar disappearing trick immediately that breakfast was finished. "I say Jeeves, you don't think that the Godfrey Henshaw has shown up in the vicinity and that she has slipped away to meet him?" "I think not Sir." "Why would you think not Jeeves? Do you know something of her whereabouts?" "I do believe that she has gone to London for the day." "But how would she get there?" "On the morning train, Sir." "But how would she get there?" "I drove her to the railway station early this morning." "You what? What if she was going to meet that Henshaw . . . person, what then?" "I am informed that she is not meeting him. That disaster in her life is well behind her." (In fact when I left her on the platform she was in the passionate embrace of Mr Weston.) "What is happening in this house? There will be numerous influential people coming down on the morrow to attend young Roger's coming of age do, and the rest of the family has absented itself from the place. It is almost as if they don't want to be here." "They will be here, or so I have been assured." In her room, and in a moment of impetuous celerity, Aunt Agatha applied herself with gusto and five stitches were applied to her tapestry. "Could life get any worse or more complicated?" I mused to myself on the Saturday am as I strolled absently around the empty grounds. No sight of Timbo taking Winnie on yet another guided tour of the lake. No more continuous barrage of comments from the sarcastic mouth of Stiffy. No more Sir Roger hiding from Winifred and his duty to write the family history. There was only Roger the Two, waddling around the lawns in a desperate attempt to lose enough poundage by this evening to fit into his tux. I didn't think I should tell him that munching on the shin bone of last night's roast while he walked would not help this reduction. The sound of Timbo's machine roaring down the drive broke the morning silence. It stopped at the front door and disgorged a happy driver and his blushing bride. Beltrane came out to greet them. "Good morning young sir. You surprised most of the family with your news." "Most of the family? I would have thought that all of them would have been flabbergasted by the news." "But then, most of the family weren't here. Stephanie disappeared immediately the news broke, and your father was down in London. That only left your brother and Bertie." "We must go and change out of our wedding finery. Come my dear." He held out his hand, and the two of them rushed into the house. They did not emerge for two hours, and when they did it was obvious that they did more than just change their clothes. A little before luncheon a cab pulled up out front and Stiffy emerged, with Leroy Weston. "Hello all. Guess what? I am, as of yesterday, Mrs Leroy Weston of London and New York." "What? You too?" Roger the Two stood there in amazement. "Yes Brother, we were married yesterday." "So was I." Timbo said, still holding Winnie's hand. "My god, what is this place coming to? What is the next bombshell going to be? This is supposed to be my day, my party is tonight. How can I celebrate my coming of age when both of my siblings have gone off and got themselves married?" He had somewhat calmed down by afternoon tea time, and things were looking up. The guests would soon be arriving and the family were at least on speaking terms. No-one actually saw Sir Roger arrive home, but just as tea was served, he emerged through the door. "I have an announcement to make." "No, don't tell us that you've gone off and got married too?" Roger the Two said. "As a matter of fact I'm here to announce that I have hired a new Secretary. Winifred was getting too distracted by Timothy. So without any further to do, let me introduce you all to this wonderful new Secretary, who just happens to be my new bride, the former Miss Poppy Shaw." Poppy stepped into the room. "You!" She looked horrified in the general direction of Roger the Two. "You!" Roger the Two cried and rushed from the room. "Podgy, take me away from here this instant." "What is it my precious? What's the matter?" "Do you remember me telling you about that loathsome stage door Johnny who pestered me for months and is now pestering Millie?" "You don't mean to say that my son is than man?" "I do mean to say that. Unless he gets down on bended knee, humbly apologises and begs forgiveness, I just cannot live under the same roof as him." "I understand Poppykins, and I shall attend to it immediately." "That is what I like about you my Podgey, the masterful way that you grasp the nettle and attend to the matter at hand." Poppy playfully grabbed a handful of both jowls and kissed him. The masterful Podgey strode with great purpose to the room where even now Roger the Two was cowering. "Roger, open this door." "Go away, I will not have you view my mortification. How could you do this to me? The one woman that I wanted, and you go and marry her." "Let me in and I will explain all." The door opened and closed behind Sir Roger. Roger the Two returned to his bed and tear soaked pillow. "The other day, my soon to be wife entered my life in a most enchanting way. She is the first woman that has shown the slightest interest in my stamps. She proved to be very knowledgeable on the subject and before long I asked her to become my secretary and assist me with them. I went to London to meet her and finalise arrangements and decided to take in her show. What a performance! She demonstrated to me that she truly was 'The Girl Who Is'. I decided there and then that I should marry her." "But Pater, she's young enough to be your daughter." "If you could choose one woman my age that you thought that I would find interesting, then I might have been tempted to marry her. But there's not one among those old crones that would give me a moment's peace. Now, what I want you to do is to come down to my study and issue a heartfelt apology to your new mother." "I suppose that I shall have to, won't I?" "Let me put it to you this way, if you do not do this small thing, you will be cut off without a penny." Moments later both the Rogers were in the study with Poppy, and the younger Roger was struggling with the words of his apology. "What do I call you, Mater?" "Mother will do for now." "Mother, I find myself in a difficult position. Recently I allowed my infatuation with you to scramble my brain into thinking that you could show an interest in yours truly. This I concluded, was not to be the case, so I confess to having directed my attentions elsewhere. If my actions in any way caused you offence, then for this I offer you my sincerest and humble apologies." Poppy walked over to him and gave him a slight hug. "Apology accepted." "Thank god for that." Roger the Two thought to himself as he trudged off to the kitchen in search of food. "Hopefully nothing else will go wrong." Jeeves was in my room preparing my tails for the festivities. I was hovering aimlessly about watching the early guests arriving and being shown to their quarters. "What ho old fruit!" The cheery voice of Bingo Little entered my ears. "Bingo! So you made it. And who is this ravishing young lady on your arm?" "Bertie, I would like you to meet the new star of 'The Girl Who Is', Millie Frobisher. Millie, this is the best chum a chap could ever have, Bertie Wooster." "It is a great pleasure to meet you Bertie." Millie held out her hand. "I say, it's smashing to meet you." "Millie has just had the most amazing luck. Just days ago she was the understudy for the star of the show, Poppy Shaw, didn't you know her Bertie?" "I may have met her." I said, hiding my disappointment that the love of my life was now wed to another in the shape of Sir Roger. "It would seem that she has met this bloated plutocrat and has decided to marry the old codger, thus leaving a hole in the cast. The writer of the show arrived back in town from his country hibernation, full of cheer and beneficence and, on assessing the situation, offered the role to Millie. He then tootled off to get married himself. What do you say to that, eh Bertie?" "Your news comes as no surprise to the brain of the Wooster. Even as we speak the former 'Girl Who Is' is ensconced in the ancestral pile as the new lady of the house. Married to my uncle, the Squire of Blandings Hall, Sir Roger Podger himself. And to add an additional note to this story, One Leroy Weston, the writer of 'The Girl Who Is' is similarly ensconced in the ancestral pile as the husband of my cousin, Lady Stephanie Podger." "Poppy's here?" Millie squealed. "When can I see her?" "Stiffy married? Gosh, and to think that at one time I carried a torch for her." "Oh golly, I see dark clouds on the horizon. Where is Jeeves?" At that precise moment Jeeves made his propitious entrance onto the scene. "I say Jeeves, we have a frightful fix on our hands." "Indeed, Sir?" "You, of course, are cognisant of the recent upheavals to rock this pile regarding the matrimony of Poppy Shaw to Sir Roger?" "Indeed, Sir." "And the ruckus this caused in no small part by young Podger being the bloated chappie paying his unwanted attentions to Miss Shaw?" (He stood no chance once she sampled the Jeeves cock.) "Indeed, I was aware of that, Sir." "And, after being shown the door by Miss Shaw, he turned his attentions to a fellow member of the cast?" "I was made aware of that situation." "This young lady on Bingo's arm is that self-same young cast member, Miss Millie Frobisher." "I see, Sir. What you are telling me is that if the younger Roger's gaze should alight upon Miss Millie here, we will have a situation not unlike that of this afternoon, but without Sir Roger to intervene?" (Who do you think arranged for that to happen?) "You've hit the nail on the jolly old head as usual Jeeves." "Astute chap, as ever Jeeves." Bingo enthused. A Very Good Jeeves "We need a plan Jeeves." "As you wish, Sir." "Come man, stir the grey matter into life and issue forth your usual pearls of wisdom." "I shall need a few moments to think over the situation. I think that it will be best if you were to amuse Mr little and Miss Frobisher in your room while I mull over this." With a thoughtful expression on his usually expressionless face, Jeeves strode into the house. In Sir Roger's study some serious stamp gazing was in progress, when a tap on the door announced the arrival of Jeeves. "I am so sorry to disturb you Sir, Madam, but a situation has arisen that could spoil this evening's festivities." "What is it Jeeves?" Sir Roger asked. "The situation that you had this afternoon is likely to arise again. Miss Millie has just arrived on the arm of Bertie's friend Bingo Little." "Am I to assume that this Millie person is the one to whom young Roger transferred his affections?" "Indeed that is the case, Sir." "Dashed young fool. What are we to do?" "If we can manage to get through dinner without him noticing her, we may be able to persuade her to absent herself from the dancing part of the festivities." "But how are we to arrange this?" Sir Roger asked. "This Little person that brought her here, are they the best of friends or merely acquaintances?" Poppy asked. "I believe that there is a certain affection being shown by them." "Good. Where is Millie now?" "She is in Bertie's room with Mr Little." "Bring her here, tell her that I wish to share my happiness with her, and leave the rest to me." "I believe we are of similar mind Madam." Jeeves oiled off to fetch Millie. "Poppy!" Squealed Millie on being shown into the study. "Millie, it is wonderful to see you. Have a seat, we have a serious problem to discuss." "So it would seem. Bingo and Bertie have been stretching their brain cells to the limit to come up with a solution. They are no nearer a sensible one than they were at the beginning." "Worry not, Jeeves and I have come up with a plan. We are going to switch the place cards around so that you do not face the young Roger during dinner. Then you will plead a headache and retire to your room with Mr Little and amuse yourself for the rest of the evening. Do you think that you could do that?" "Yes. I must admit to having a fondness for Bingo, so it will be no great imposition." "Good, now off you go and get ready. One final thing, not a word to Bertie or Bingo." "Mum's it." Millie said with finger to lips. "Now Jeeves, we must make Podgey aware of this potential disaster and our solution to the problem." "Do you think that wise Madam? From my previous encounters with him, he does seem to over-react when something upsets him." "He is a new man Jeeves. This afternoon he confronted the young Roger and threatened him with expulsion from the will. He was masterful, and if he knows of the situation we can be sure that he will act appropriately. And by the way Jeeves, when we are together, I think it okay for you to call me Poppy, after all our relationship is by no means distant." "Very well Madam, I mean Poppy." "Good, off we go to see Podgey and appraise him of our plan." While this exchange was taking place, Bingo and I were plotting a different solution. "I will slip into the gun room and charge the pair of duelling pistols with powder but no ball. After dinner I will impress upon him your desire to view these magnificent weapons. While he is showing you the weapons you will ask him to demonstrate the duelling techniques. He will point the pistol at you and pull the trigger while making the appropriate 'bang' noise. The pistol will discharge and you will fall to the ground. Whereupon I will proclaim that he has rendered you lifeless and he will decamp with great haste for fairer climes." "Are you sure that you know how to charge these pistols Bertie?" "A sizeable piece of bran muffin Bingo, a large chunk of cake. Nothing to it." I assured him. Bingo went in search of Millie while I strolled off to charge the armaments. The celebratory meal was a rowdy affair, apart for two exceptions. I found myself seated abut my nemesis, the detestable Maud Basset. Preparing myself for such jolly japes as salt in my tea instead of sugar, I was astounded to find her positively pleasant company. "How are you Bertie? I haven't seen you around of late, where have you been?" "Thither and yon, I find myself caught up in various occupations." "Tell me, how is Sir Roger, still holding a grudge against you for drowning him in his sleep?" "He has forgotten that incident, but I have not. How could you do that to me at a time when it was important that I did not rock the family boat any more than necessary?" "A girl has to have some fun from time to time, what else is there to occupy an agile mind apart from marriage to some blithering idiot. Tell me Bertie, does any young lady have her matrimonial claws sunk into your hide?" "What a ghastly thought, The Wooster bachelorhood remains intact." "I see that I will have to do something about that. Now of the beauties on offer this evening which would I choose for you, that vapid little blonde hanging off Sir Roger's every word perhaps?" "Too late for that, she is Sir Roger's new wife." "You don't say? What about Bingo's partner, she looks silly enough?" "No, she would not do, too close to home, she's a friend of Lady Podger." "Then I'm afraid Bertie, for that just leaves little me." "You? I would as soon go bathing in a crocodile infested swamp than marry you? We would be fighting non-stop and I would never feel safe in my bed while ever there is a darning needle and billiard cue in the immediate vicinity." "But Bertie, I am no longer a jape loving child. I have seen the error of my ways and decided that I should undertake an important project. I have chosen becoming your wife as my project. What do you think?" My normally astute brain failed me in my time of need. "I shall have to apply my brain to this matter, and consult Jeeves. If you were to become the lady of the house there would be no need for his services, and I would be forced to dispense with them. What would the man do?" "You do not need to dispense with him, I'm sure that he and I are capable of working together." "Be that as it may, I must discuss it with the man before setting the brain to work on my decision." Having pushed the bombshell to one side for the moment, I turned my attention on Roger the Two and the potential disaster for him espying Millie at the table. I need not have worried because of the second exception. Roger the Two's total concentration was so focussed on the conveying of as much of the provender from plate to mouth as possible, that he was oblivious of the presence of Millie at the table. Once the throng had consumed the final dessert course, its attention was drawn to the two handed feeding system employed by the guest of honour. A pat of the corpulent tummy, a solid slug of champagne, and a loud and prolonged burp announced the conclusion of the meal, and the guests withdrew to various vantage points around the ballroom in preparation for the dancing to follow as soon as the orchestra assembled. Seizing the moment, I sidled up to the guest of honour and announced the desire of my friend, Mr Little, to see Roger's much admired duelling pistols. Roger, suitably honoured by this request, led Bingo and I to the gun room. Taking a polished wooden box from a locked cabinet, he laced it on the table and opened it. "If I may say so myself, there is not a finer pair of pistols in the entire country." Taking one from the box, he held it at arm's length and sighted down the barrel. "How does this duelling thingy work then?" Bingo asked. "Do the participants walk a suitable distance apart, like this?" He strode ten paces down the room and turned, raising his gunless arm, he pointed his index finger at Roger. "Who tells them when to fire?" "Actually, both men stand back to back and, at a command they take ten paces, turn and fire. Come here and I will demonstrate." Bingo stood with his back to that of Roger. "One," they both set off. "Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, fire! Bang!" Bingo fell to the ground clutching his chest. I rushed to his side. "He's been shot through the heart, he's dead!" "Balderdash man, the pistol did not discharge." Roger said. The realisation that the pistol had not in fact discharged, thus signalling the failure of our carefully contrived plan, spurred the Bingo and I into action. Leaping to our feet, we dashed from the gun room and ran at speed to my room. "We must pack and leave." I panted. "Agreed." Bingo panted. "What went wrong?" He asked. "I thought that you knew how to load a pistol." "I followed procedure to the veritable letter." I pondered. "Maybe the powder was wet or something." A further moment of pondering brought a flash of inspiration. "I must find Jeeves, he will know what to do." I went in search of Jeeves, this left Bingo to return to his room to pack his bags, find Millie, and decamp. He needed to look no further than his room to find Millie, and Poppy, and Sir Roger. "Where's Bertie?" Poppy asked. "He's scouring the mansion and grounds in search of Jeeves." "He should have come here with you, Jeeves will return shortly, he's tending to some business." I had reached the west wing when my eyes alighted on the sight of Jeeves backing out of a room shoes in hand. A naked female arm snaked out and drew Jeeves' head back into the room. "Come back quickly, you remarkable man you." The throaty voice of Honoria growled at him. A further hand reached out and playfully grabbed his groin. "Indeed Madam, I shall return momentarily, I have some pressing business to attend to." "Jeeves, what on earth are you doing?" (It's patently obvious what I am doing.) "Attending to some business Sir. If you will come with me, we have matters to attend to ourselves." Shaking my head in disbelief at what I had just seen, I followed Jeeves to Bingo's room. Additional shaking of my disbelieving head at seeing the assembled masses, I sat in the first available chair. "What does all of this mean?" "Your silly plan has backfired quite spectacularly, as usual." Stiffy said. "Jeeves and Poppy had everything under control. But, as usual you had to hatch some harebrained scheme that had as much chance of success as a cart horse at Ascot. When last seen, brother Roger was trying to hide from Millie here, who, according to our plan, was supposed to be amusing herself in this very room with Bingo." "I was so looking forward to it." Millie said with a far off gaze. "That's the last time I listen to you Bertie." Bingo said, rushing to Millie's side. "Dash it all, my plan was perfectly reasonable except that the blessed firearm refused to explode as planned." "That was because Jeeves removed the charge. He saw you and Bingo go into the gun room, and thought to himself, 'what plot would the Master be hatching I wonder?' He waited until you had left and entered the room himself and removed the powder from the pistols." There was a knock on the door and Beltrane entered. "Ah, at last I have found you. Miss Stephanie, there is a gentleman waiting in the Library to speak to you. He says his name is Godfrey Henshaw and claims to be your fiancé." "Damn the man, why won't he take sod off for an answer. As soon as I realised that I was no longer in love with him I sent a telegram informing him of that fact." "We shall assemble a deputation to go down and confront the bounder." The new and masterful Sir Roger declared. Thus it was that he and Poppy, Stiffy and Weston filed down the stairs to the Library where a hopeful Godfrey Henshaw waited for his intended. His confident expression change in an instant when the deputation entered the room. "You!" Cried Poppy. "How dare you show your face here intent on claiming Stephanie for your bride after what you did to Millie Frobisher?" "What are you talking about? I know no Millie what's her name." "You say that your name is Godfrey Henshaw." Poppy said. "But when you proposed to Millie, you did so under the name of Grantham Howard." "You are deluded Madam, I know not what you are talking about." "I shall go fetch Millie, she will confirm this story. I have seen you skulking around the stage door myself." Weston said as he left the room. "I do not wish to stand here and allow you to make these scurrilous accusations against my good name, I shall leave. Good evening to you all." He bowed and backed toward the door. "Hold sir, where do you think that you're going?" "I am removing myself from your presence." "You are going nowhere until this matter is settled." "Isn't he masterful?" Thought Poppy. "This is a new man." Thought Stiffy. "My goose is cooked." Thought Godfrey/Grantham. "You cad!" Said Millie on entering the library on Bingo's arm. "I can explain." Whined Godfrey/Grantham. "You cad!" Cried Bingo, who had been informed of the situation. "I believe that the gig is up my man. I would ask you to leave and to never darken this door again." Sir Roger grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and marched him towards the servants' entrance, through which, propelled by a well-placed kick, he found himself expelled from the house. Where was I when this was happening? I had been searching for Jeeves, but abandoned it when I heard, in passing Honoria's door, her exultant shout of. "A fence Jeeves, up and over! Tally ho! That was a good one." What was I to think? Jeeves who has given me exemplary service for so long, was being diverted from his duty by my very own cousin Honoria. With this new, and devastating, revelation occupying my mind, I made my way back to my room where I could sit in peace and gather my thoughts. "About time you got here Bertie, I have been waiting simply hours for you." "Maud, what are you doing in my bed?" "In our bed Bertie. The sooner you resign yourself to the fact that I mean to become Mrs Bertie Wooster the better." "But what about me, don't I have any say in this?" "No Bertie." "I shall have to discuss this with Jeeves." "That will do you no good, he has accepted a better offer of employment. He has this very evening agreed to become the Ladies Gentleman of your aunt Lobelia and cousin Honoria. His services will be sorely needed, you see, Honoria has agreed to marry my brother Lancelot." "But he's one of those!" "A fruit, yes. It is a marriage of convenience, and because of this situation, Honoria requires a diversion, Jeeves will be that diversion, and is even now cementing his position in their household. Come to bed Bertie." She held the sheets open in invitation for me to join her naked body. Without Jeeves' advice I succumbed. In her room, Aunt Agatha placed a further stitch in black at the halfway point of her tapestry entitled 'Widow at Night'. She was quite potty.