43 comments/ 82866 views/ 16 favorites Sorry Charlie By: leapyearguy WARNING: If you have been exposed to HIV (Humor Immune Virus) do not read this story. You may crack a smile, or even in rare cases, laugh. LYG *** "I'm so sorry Charlie," Well, that wasn't too bad, I figured hearing I had six months to live would make me feel a lot worse. But after getting the news, I was, well, I was ok. Hell, this news didn't even hurt as bad as a root canal. I bet you wouldn't have taken the news this well, go on, admit it, you'd have been crying and screaming. You big fuckin' baby, I took it like a man. Shit, I even went back to work after leaving Bob's office. Oh, you know Bob, the doctor I play golf with, he's the one that just handed me my death sentence. He's an eight handicap, I'm a six. I went to Bob for a routine physical, some insurance bullshit. He called me in after he got all the test results in, he says it some kind of nuclear melon coma of my bilateral clavicle thingy. I'm no doctor, so all I got out of it was six months to a year at best. Hey, do you want to go have a greasy cheeseburger with me? No use watching my diet now, what's it gonna do kill me? I might even order some onion rings. So, that all happened a couple of weeks ago. A lot has happened since then, you probably want me to tell you about it. No? Then why the fuck are we sitting at this bar talking? Ah, fuck you, I'm gonna tell the story anyway. I did have that cheeseburger, and I did go back to work. The day was much like any other, paperwork and phone calls, sort out someone else's problems... Go see Bob, find out I'm dead meat, walk out of Bob's office without my pants, drive around aimlessly trying to remember where my office is located... Go back to get my pants, do more paperwork and then go home to my loving wife. My loving wife Mary, I was just about to shit on her parade. She was going to be devastated, I'd taken the news pretty well up until that point. I was standing at my front door wondering how I would tell her, how do you tell someone you've loved over half your life, you're going to die? How would Mary do it? She's a pretty no-nonsense kind of woman, always has been. Mary walks right up to me and tells me what she wants, that's how we got together. I was dating one of Mary's friends back then, she cornered me at a party, and told me we were going to get married. It seemed pretty farfetched to me, but that's what happened twenty something years ago. No girl had ever chased after me before, not that I minded the attention, but still, it shocked me. I never considered myself a real catch, however, Mary did. I wasn't in her league, I would have never even asked her to dance, let alone get married. She told me later that she saw something in me, and that I'd always be there for her. I guess I'm going to fool her. As I flipped the lever on the door, I decided to do it Mary's way. I wasn't going to beat around the bush, just come right out with it. I walked into the house to a big "SURPRISE." The room was filled with all of my family and friends, a great big fucking surprise birthday party, complete with balloons and cake, all for little ol' me. I'm pretty sure my face showed the proper amount of shock, it was real, and this was the last thing on earth that I wanted right now. How the hell was I supposed to tell Mary that I was a dead man walking, I could see my mom and dad were there, they'd have flown halfway across the country to be there for me. My kids were both there also, I wasn't ready to tell everybody at once. I had to swallow all the words that I'd prepared for my wife, I'd have to do it later. I should have expected something like this, it was my fiftieth birthday. Mary loved to throw parties, I think we celebrated Yugoslavian forth of July once. She could have made a career out of it, but she just did it for the fun. My chagrin must have been pretty apparent to Mary, she asked me, "What's wrong Baby? You look like someone stole your puppy." "It's nothing, I just wasn't planning on all of these people," I shrugged. "Oh, I know what it is, you were expecting your other surprise in the bedroom. Don't worry Baby, you can have that too, you just have to wait until everyone has left," she whispered and winked. Yeah, like that was going to happen tonight. Sex was the second to the last thing on my mind right now. Mary was in her element, she tended to all our guests like the proper hostess. Once in a while, I would catch Mary stopping to stare and smile at me. I've watched her do that since we started our lives together without knowing I saw her, she would stop what she was doing, look at me and smile contentedly. That simple act, told me Mary loved me the same after all these years. The end of the party couldn't come too soon for me, but it did finally end. When I locked up for the night and went to bed, Mary was waiting for me in my new birthday present. She was lovelier than ever in that long black lacy gown, Mary had gained about twenty pounds since we'd married and they all went to the right places. It was our custom to spend the night making love after one of her parties, but tonight would be the first time that I let her down. God I was such a pathetic excuse for a man right now, I could only hope the remaining days I had wouldn't be the same. This whole day came crashing down on me, and it gave me a headache. After Mary was asleep, I got up to get some aspirin. When I went to the medicine cabinet, the bottle was empty. Mary always kept something for a headache in her purse. I wandered down to the kitchen, and started my search. How women ever find shit in their handbags, I'll never know. I dumped the contents of her purse on the table, there they were, thank God. As I threw the pills back, my eye caught a glimpse of something that shouldn't be on the table. I almost choked when I found the empty condom packets. Twelve of them, what the Fuck, we hadn't used condoms, ever. Mary had been on the pill, and I'd been snipped after our youngest was born. All I could think at the time was, "I'm sorry Charlie." How many people do you know that are given the death sentence twice in one fucking day. Isn't that called double jeopardy? Well happy fucking birthday to me. I went to the cupboard and got one of those Big Gulp cups that Mary saves, that's a lot of whiskey in one glass. I needed it right then to calm the voices in my head, and there were many of them. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." "You're gonna die loser." "Kill the cheating bitch." "I'm sorry Charlie." "You fuckin' wimp." "Hey, put some ice in that whiskey." The last one was the only one that made any sense, but I was too far gone by then to remember what drawer she kept the ice was in. Ice, ha, that's funny, I felt like the Titanic after it crashed into the iceberg. My soul had a big gaping hole in it, my Mary was cheating on me. Hadn't I always been a good husband to her? What a cruel way to put punctuation to the end of Charlie. At least the voices were passed out from the whiskey, they never could hold their liquor. I awoke with the step sister of all hangovers, don't even try to figure out what I just said, trust me, it was a bad one. Mary had covered me with a blanket at some point, hell, she still had some felling for me. That's some comfort huh. I needed some more aspirin, but I wasn't going to dig through Mary's purse again. I found some pills in the bathroom, I should have read the label before I swallowed them. I found it was a very bad Idea to take laxatives with a hangover, I think I expelled that cheeseburger nine times. If only I could have shit my brains out, they were what was causing all the pain. After four or five hours on the throne, there probably wasn't a sesame seed left in my stomach. But all the feelings of betrayal were intact. Never once in the twenty six plus years of my marriage had I doubted Mary. How could she do this to a dying man, couldn't she have waited until I was buried at least? What a stupid fucking thing to think, she didn't know I was a goner. I hadn't told her about that yet, well maybe I won't. Let that be my big surprise to her, we would both wake up one morning and I would be dead. Shut up! You know what I mean. That was it, she had her dirty little secret, and I had mine. I spent the rest of the day promising myself that I'd never drink again for the rest of my life, what little there was left of it. Though I've never been a vengeful sort of guy, the idea began to appeal to me. As a matter of fact, there were a lot of things I'd never done in my life that started to look pretty darn good to me. I'd never jumped from an airplane, it was too risky. I'd never owned a sports car, also risky and expensive. The one thing that occurred to me as the ultimate risk was to have an affair. It was never something to consider before, but now I could see some advantages to trying it. Mary needed to know how much it hurt, she'd done it to me and the pain was killing me. Not technically, it was the Melanesian thing, but you get the drift. I decided to give her something she could remember fondly when she was old and gray, a cheating assed husband. Yeah, I was going to fuck around a little on the side. Tear off a piece here and there, I didn't have a lot of time left, but I was going to go down in a blaze of glory. Let's see whose sorry now, huh Charlie. Yep, today is the first day of the end of my life. I was always the play it safe guy, I thought about the consequences of everything, well not anymore. The very worst case scenario, I would die. That was going to happen anyway, so why worry about it. Who could I have an affair with? Let's see, my secretary? No, she was a nice girl with a family. I didn't want to screw up anyone else's life, just Mary's and mine. Who did I know that was single, which one of them would piss Mary off the most? Her sister, yeah, that had some possibilities. Karen was divorced, and recently too. She might be getting a little horny by now, it might work. Who else? Her mother, now that would be something to set her off. Mary would hit the fucking roof. Mary's dad had died quite a few years back, Ellen probably hadn't been properly fucked for twenty or twenty five years. What the hell, why not, what did I have to lose? Ellen was pretty fit, it couldn't be that bad, could it? This would be a piece of cake, she'd probably beg me to fuck her when she sees my hard cock. That's the way it always works in those porn stories, yeah, she would be begging for it in no time. Plan A, fuck Mary's mom. I was getting my life back on track, albeit a short track. How do I play things at home? Do I cut Mary off, ignore her, or do I play it cool? That's the way to go, cool as a jewel. Just pretend everything is fine, no worries, as the Aussies say. I made up for my previous lacking performance in bed a few nights later, Mary thought it was all for her, but I was really polishing up my technique for Ellen. I didn't want to disappoint the old girl. I was sitting in my recliner thinking about how to approach Ellen, just staring out the window. Mary had just come out of the kitchen, she stopped and looked at me like she always does. But this time, instead of her usual smile at the end, she gave me a sad look and shook her head. So there it was, another sign she'd been untrue. Looking at the old fool, with "sorry Charlie" pasted all over her face. I knew for sure now, that look that had always assured me before, was gone now. My opportunity with Ellen came on the next weekend, Mary was at her sisters and Ellen needed a ride to bingo. It was now or never, I thought. Life was too short not to take chances, Ellen was going to get the high hard one. Thinking of what was about to happen, I played with my cock all the way on the drive to Ellen's house. She met me in the driveway, I helped her into the car and closed the door for her. As soon as I got into the drivers side, I unzipped my pants and pulled out my hard on. Ellen glanced down at my swollen meat, "Charlie, are you ok?" she asked with concern written all over her face. "Just feeling a little frisky," I replied. "Well do you think it's prudent to drive around with your penis exposed?" she inquired nonchalantly. "Haven't you just ever wanted to be a little naughty, maybe show off a little?" I teased. "Oh, you mean like this?" she said, as she pulled up her skirt exposing her bare shaved pussy and black garter belt. "ELLEN?" I was the shocked one now. Seeing Ellen's old bare pussy made me swerve, and we almost hit the back of a garbage truck. I could just picture the headlines, 'Pervert Kills Mother with Garbage Truck'. "Charlie, you really are amusing. Though I am really flattered by the offer, why in the world would you think I'd be interested in fucking a middle aged man? I've screwed one of them into the grave already," she laughed. With my dick shrinking out of sight now, "Oops, I guess this was not such a good idea now," I murmured. "Oh Charlie, you are such a sweet thing, but I have all the cock I want waiting for me. We're not really going to bingo, I need a ride to the hotel on Main Street. You might as well know, I meet with a couple of young gentlemen a few times a week." "A couple? As in two?" "Yes dear boy, a couple. I'm sure that surprises you, but I was a faithful wife until Harry died. I soon realized that I still had needs, there was no reason for me not to satisfy them." "But Ellen, a couple, at the same time?" I asked, incredulously. "Charlie don't be such a prude, if you'd offered me your cock many years ago, I'd have given you a ride to remember. But I've gotten attached to my young men now, I don't think you could handle the action, so to speak." Our drive to the hotel was made in silence, was Mary going to act like that when I was gone? Oh fuck, she was already doing it, I guess it runs in the family, well fuck me silly and feed me fishsticks! As I dropped Ellen at her rendezvous, she turned to me and kissed me on the cheek, "If only you'd been a little sooner...sorry Charlie," Then she flashed me her bare pussy again and was off to her gangbang. So much for the old girl begging for it, my ego was about as big as my shrunken dick right now. The only way I could feel any worse right now, was if I were dying of some incurable disease...duh. Can this fucking hole I'm in possibly get any fucking deeper? You wouldn't think so. Ferrari? No, too Italian. Corvette? Nah, to American. Porsche? Nein, to small. Cobra? No, yeah, no, yeah, yeah, YES! I put the affair on hold for a while, time to do something else stupid. Did you ever try to find a car like that? Shit, I'd be dead two years before I ever got to drive the damn thing. Why does every thing I touch turn to shit lately? I go for a routine physical, the doctor says I'm dying. My wife of twenty six years has turned into a sex crazed slut. I can't even seduce a seventy year old woman because I'm not man enough for her, what's next? Plan B, fuck Mary's sister Karen. Now after the last botched seduction attempt, I held a little more hope. I asked Mary about it rather innocently, Karen was not seeing any men. If all of the women in that family were as sex crazed as Ellen, Karen would be grateful to have a hard dick after going without for six months. I used the direct approach, I had a key to her apartment. I waited until I knew she was in bed, I snuck in. I felt like a cat burglar, using stealth and intellect to secure my prize. I carefully removed all of my clothes before entering the bedroom, I could make out the outline of her sleeping form. She was covered with just a sheet, perfect, just sneak in and slide up from behind. "Wrap your arms around her, play with her naked breast. Slip your hardness between her legs, she's putty in your hands." I thought to myself. Ever so slowly I crept to her bed, carefully trying not to wake her. My plan was working perfectly. She was naked, my fingers played with her hardening nipple. The light coming on didn't register for a second, but when the sheet flew back and I heard Karen yell, "WHAT THE FUCK," I hit the earth with a thud. "Charlie? What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you out of your fucking mind?" she spewed. "Karen, I..." just then I realized why Karen hadn't been seeing any men. There were three of us in bed, all naked, and only one penis in the bunch. I curled up into a little ball and cried, and cried, and cried... Karen held me in her arms like a baby, I wept until I could not shed another tear. Her lesbian lover Judy got in on the act too, she stroked my hair and gave me mother kisses on the forehead. Well how many guys do you know that can honestly claim to have slept with two lesbians? I have that at least, even if we did only sleep. This whole dying thing ain't all it's cracked up to be. It's certainly put a serious crick in my neck, I could feel those fucking voices coming back, and they were pissed off. Karen had been a peach about dealing with my inappropriate behavior. Judy had too, I hoped they'd be very happy together. As I was walking out the door, Karen asked, "Charlie, what the hell was this all about? I know you Charlie, this isn't you. You're not like this, come on Charlie, spill it." "Karen, it's so hard to explain..." I hesitated. "No Charlie, it's not. All you have to do is say the words, it's not like you're going to die, jeez," she sighed. "Yes it is, that's exactly what it's like." "Come on Charlie, stop joking around this could be serious. What the fuck do you think would have happened if I had let you fuck me? What if Mary found out? What then?" "Hopefully by then, I'd be dead." "Charlie..." she asked, thinking of what I'd just said. "I'm dying Karen, the doctor told me six months to a year, no more." She came to me and hugged me, "My God Charlie, I'm so sorry." I pushed her away, "Yeah, everybody's sorry. You're sorry, I'm sorry, the doctor is sorry. So tell me Karen, why don't I feel any better? All the pity in the world won't help me now." "Mary must be dying inside with you," her hand covered her mouth in shock. "She doesn't know, and I'm not going to tell her." "Charlie, that's totally crazy, she has every right to know," she gasped. "No she doesn't, she gave up that right when she slept with another man. There, I said it, are you happy?" "Charlie, now I know that we're dealing with a serious mental problem here. You're a fool if you think Mary would ever cheat on you. She loves you, that's never going to change no matter what." Plan C, confront Mary. How could this be any worse than plan A or B, at least I'll die in peace. Besides, the shit was going to hit the potato peeler as soon as Karen calls Mary. Mary was waiting for me at the door, I didn't make a habit of sleeping with naked lesbians, and I'd never stayed out all night without calling her before. She hugged me, I was expecting a slap. Maybe she hadn't talked to Karen yet, that wouldn't really change anything though, we still had to put all our cards on the clothes hamper. "Where were you Charlie, you had me worried sick." "I had some things to do Mary," I replied coldly. "Charlie, we need to talk, you've been acting... Well, a little... abnormal lately. I think I know the reason, but we need to discuss this. I can't sit back anymore and let you go through this alone." "What is it that you think you know that I don't know that you know?" "See Charlie, that's what I mean, you can't even speak coherently any more. When I talked to Bob the other day, I told him that I'd do my best not to upset you..." I interrupted, "Bob! You talked to Bob? That big mouthed son-of-a-goddamned-rotten-low-lifed-cum-sucking-motherfucking-bitch. He had no right to tell you I'm dying!" Sorry Charlie, Part Deux "Now that's what I'm talkin' about," I exclaimed. As I walked out of my 'new' doctor's office I had good reason to celebrate. I was going to live, live I tell you. That may sound stupid to you but just one year ago, well; I thought I had less than six months before the permanent dirt nap. Yeah, it was all some screw up at the lab. I can't even remember what awful disease they told me I had. What ever it was, it wasn't. I didn't have it, and I didn't die. After that I fired Bob, my so called doctor. I still play golf with him though, his handicap is six. My game has improved, I'm a six also. Funny how knowing you're not going to die improves your attitude. My new doctor, Kathy, doesn't golf but she told me I should live a long life. She tells me that I'm healthy as a horse. I have absolutely no idea how healthy a horse is, but she's a doctor and you'd think they'd know. It was weird at first, you know, going to a woman doctor. But the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me. I wouldn't consider myself homophobic, but wouldn't you rather have a woman's hands wrapped around your balls when you turn your head and cough? I know what my answer is. I had a smile on my face when I got home that night. You couldn't have removed it with a wire brush. My life was so good these days, after last year's fiasco I seemed to be charmed. I'd been promoted at work a few months ago. Mary my wife loved me, and I was healthy. Life was perfect. "Charlie, we have to talk," Mary said handing me four aspirin and a big gulp Jack Daniels. This wasn't my usual before dinner drink, something was going on, "What's wrong Mary?" "I talked to Doctor Kathy this afternoon, she called right before you got home," Mary said with a worried look. You have got to be fucking kidding me, not again. That bitch, you just can't trust a doctor that doesn't golf, or the one's that do for that matter. My hand was shaking as I raised that humongous cup to my lips, "Here's to you Charlie and all of us that are about to die, again," I toasted to myself. Mary stared at me, "Charlie, you've got to get a grip on yourself. I have some news and I'm not sure you're going to like it." Well duh, how many times does a guy have to hear that he's dying before it kills him? Mary always did have a knack for the understated. Those voices in my head came rushing back. "HA, you see, you are a loser." "You're a dead man Charlie." "Blah, blah, blah, blah," The third voice was already feeling the effects of the alcohol. I handed Mary my cup, "Refill," "No Charlie, just calm down. We need to discuss this rationally," she said. RATIONALLY, she can't be serious. We're not discussing buying new drapes, rationally? Poor Charlie is being plucked from the vine in the prime of his life and she wants to be rational? "Charlie, I'm pregnant." Now what the fuck is she talking about? I'm gonna' die and she's joking around about having babies? "Stop kidding around Mary, how long?" "How long? I'd say about eight weeks," She said. Fuck me! Last time they gave me six months, "Mary, we have so much to do. We have to get prepared," I said, resigning myself to my fate. "Now Charlie, there's plenty of time. Just relax," she said. Mary was taking the news of my death very calmly, "Relax? We've got a million loose ends to tie up. We have to plan the funeral for Christ's sake. Mary, how can you tell me to relax?" "Funeral? Charlie, Goddamn you, listen to me. I said I was pregnant." "That wasn't funny the first time you told me, stop it Mary, this is serious. The doctor called and told you I'll be dead in eight weeks and you continue to make jokes about being pregnant?" "CHARLIE, read my lips. I'm eight weeks pregnant. You're not going to die," she said very slowly. "You mean I'm not..." "No." "Whew! I thought, my God, this couldn't be happening again. Man, am I relieved, Ha, Ha, I'm not dying... WHOA! Hold the phone, did you say you were pregn... OH Mary, how could you do this to me?" I said as I started to cry. "It's not what you think Charlie," she told me trying to console me. "That's what they all say, sniff. After last year when you cheated... I thought... we..." "Damn you Charlie, I did not cheat on you. Not then and certainly not now," Mary said angrily. "But.. The vasectomy... how? Why Mary, why?" I sobbed. "Doctor Kathy told me that it's possible that your operation, well it all pretty technical. But the main thing is that it's your baby Charlie. Don't you think that I know who or what has been inside of me? I'm surprised that you'd even consider that." I didn't have a response to her statement. I wanted to trust her, I really did. I didn't know what to do or say. I had been on top of the world a few short minutes ago, now look at me. The weight of the world had now come crashing down on the toes of my wingtip shoes. I cried, when I wasn't crying I drank. I passed out shortly after nine that evening. I was in a fog. When the lights came on, they were as bright as the sun. There was a big camera focused on my very confused face and someone was poking a microphone at me. "Welcome Charlie, welcome to 'Whose the Daddy' you're our next contestant. I'm Wink Eubarker, and I'll be your host tonight," he said with a huge smile. Who is this guy, where the hell am I? "Uh, thanks Wink, I think?" "Ok Charlie, let's get right to the game." Game, what game? "But Wink, I don't know how to play." "Ha, ha, ha, that's the way the game works Charlie, only the wife really knows how the game is played." "But Wink, how can I possibly win?" "That's a good question Charlie. Let's ask your lovely wife Mary. Welcome Mary, it's great to have you here tonight." "It's great to be had, Wink," "Ha, ha, good one Mary, meet me in my dressing room later. Now, please tell Charlie how he can win," He said ogling Mary. "Well Wink, he can't. He's a born loser," Mary laughed. "Ah Mary," I sighed. "You look a little pale Charlie, are you ok?" "No I'm not, I don't want to play this stupid game anymore." "Too fuckin' bad Charlie. Mary is already knocked up, you have to play now." "No," I begged. "Mary, would you please turn over the first picture. Could the daddy be...? Your neighbor Mark?" he asked. "No, No, No!" I cried. "Mary please reveal the next picture... Who is that Mary?" "My high school boy friend, Wink." "NO, NO, NO!" I pleaded. "Show us the last picture Mary. Could it be you Charlie? Are you the daddy? --- We'll find out after these commercial messages!" "NOOOO!!!!!" I screamed. I woke up covered in sweat, my head was pounding, and I had an over whelming urge to... Nope, I'm not going to tell you that part, it might come up later at my murder trial. Trust me, you're all better off not knowing. I was relaxing in a tub full of hot water. Mary walked in and stared at me as I tried to slit my wrists with my electric razor. She sat on the toilet and peed as the batteries on my Norelco gave out. "Ok Charlie, I just got off the phone with Doctor Kathy. We're both going down there and not leaving until you're convinced that you're the father of our baby," Mary said sternly. "But... but what if?" "Well then Charlie, you'd better get ready to spend a lot of time in church. Cause if this baby isn't yours, you'll be raising the second child of God," she said flatly. So I'll bet you can just imagine how we were going to prove the illogical truth. Yeah, a sperm test. Oh, I'd done my share of them before when I had the vasectomy, but, and it was a very big but, how we were going to extract a sample in my present condition. On the way to the doctors, we passed a church. I wondered if it were a possibility. Nah, we weren't even Catholic, we were Episcoterian. I was in the waiting room reading a pamphlet about Erectile Dysfunction when they called my name. Mary got up and started to follow. "Where are you going?" I asked. "With you. I'm not about to leave your side until we settle this thing," she said , pushing me through the door. The nurse led us to an exam room and told us the doctor would be with us in a few moments. I remembered the last time somebody went into an exam room with me, I was seven and had the measles. How embarrassing. The wait wasn't too long but it sure seemed like it. Mary sat on a small stool tapping her foot. She seemed amused that I was so uncomfortable. The doctor asked me to remove my clothes, something I'd done in front of Mary a bazillion times. With two women there though, I was hesitant. Have any of you had a woman fondle your package with your wife sitting in the room watching? It's freaking creepy! She checked my unit, she looked at the small scar on my scrotazoid. "Ok Charlie, up on the table," she ordered. She said she had to check my probate gland. Probate gland? Isn't that something a lawyer handles? When the doctor squeezed my nut sack and stuck three fingers up my ass I almost fainted. Doctor Kathy must be a lawyer too, because this is exactly how I felt the last time I visited one. "MOMMY!" I screamed. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what my asshole had to do with Mary being pregnant. We'd never ever even considered anal sex. My mood wasn't much better when she handed me that stupid little cup. The chances of me getting a boner were about high as winning the state lottery. "So just what do you expect me to do with this?" I asked. "We need a sperm sample Charlie," Doctor Kathy said. "Ok, and how do you propose we get that?" I said, pointing to my balls, "Into there?" I said, pointing into the cup. She looked at me like I had gone crazy, "The usual method, Charlie, would be masturbation." "I see," I said nodding my head, "Doesn't one usually require an erection to attain the desired sample?" I asked. "I see your predicament Charlie. Mary do you have any ideas?" "Well I suppose I could try," Mary told her. "Ok, then I'll leave you two alone. Please bring the sample when you've finished, I know how anxious you are for the results." The doctor said. Mary has never before failed to arouse me in all of our years together. She removed her blouse and I felt a twitch. Her bra came off and there was movement, but not much. She rolled the little stool close enough for me to feel her hot breath on my cock. Her finger touched the head and found the off button. My dick deflated like a blowout on the freeway. I'll give Mary her due, she didn't give up trying. It was evident after some time that each time she touched me the thought that she might have been with another man crossed my mind. When she realized my problem was her, she left the room in tears. I didn't do it intentionally, I really had no control over my own dick. Doctor Kathy burst into the room and started in on me, "What the hell did you do to Mary, Charlie?" I explained to her exactly what happened. She nodded and left the room. She was back a few seconds later carrying a tray with a vial and a needle that looked to be three feet long. "What the hell is that and more to the point, what the hell do you intend to do with it?" I already knew the answer and didn't like it. "Now come on Charlie, this won't hurt a bit," she said. "Well then let me stick it in you and see for myself," I shot back. "If you could stick it in me Charlie, we wouldn't need the shot now, would we?" "Real funny, and what's with this we Sheeeet... Ouch! Fuck that hurt" I exclaimed. "I'm sorry Charlie, but I had do it," Where the hell had I heard that before? Doctor Kathy sat patiently on the stool and stared at my dick. My Grandma use to say something about a watched pot or something or other, this must have been what she was referring to. I was diligently counting the tiles on the ceiling when the doctor stood and handed me the cup. "Let's get the show on the road Charlie," she said and walked out of the room. I had been so busy counting, there were one hundred and eighty four by the way, I hadn't noticed that I was as stiff as a screen door. What? Never mind it's not important you know how my brain works. It had to be the least satisfying and most important squirt of semen of my life. 'What if' was stuck in my head. I stared down into the plastic cup, the milky white gloop just sat there. "Move Goddamn you, Swim you little fuckers," I yelled. During my life when the pressure was really on, my thoughts are a bit confused. I'm here to say that at that very moment, the pressure of the situation came to the apex. My past and future life depended on the scientific facts contained within a pool of mucous at the bottom of a plastic cup. Clarity of thought is something that one usually gains while sitting on a mountain top in Tibet. I have also heard that for some, it is attained through prayer. I had my epiphany while sitting on a stainless steel table in a ten by eighteen foot cubicle. Trust, that's what life comes down to. It's a simple five letter word, not too difficult to grasp the idea. But the meaning, the true meaning of trust, is more difficult to understand than nuclear fusion. Honestly, it's deeper than the deepest ocean, it's a concept more remote than the farthest star. For me to say I trusted Mary was easy, but did I really? If I did, why was I here talking to a puddle of sperm? Mary had told me that I was the father of her unborn child. If I trusted her, why did I need proof. Mary was my life, the mother of my grown children. We had shared it all, the good and the bad. She had not ever questioned any of the stupid things I had done, she simply trusted that I loved her. Mary knew what trust was. My wife had never lied to me, yet I doubted her. On the other side of the coin there was medical science, had it ever let me down? Shit yeah, lots of times. Just last year when I was told I had only six months left. Yeah and why is my appendix scar on the left when everybody else's is on the right? Did you ever wonder why a doctor practices medicine? That question says it all. They practice because they haven't got it right yet. Was I going to believe that a doctor that had opened the sack containing my nuts and sniped a tube was more trustworthy than Mary? Was I going to believe that Mary lied to me? Wasn't she the one that suggested, no, demanded this test? She wouldn't do that if she had something to hide. She would never have come here today if there was even the slightest chance the baby wasn't mine. As I dressed, my betrayal of Mary hit home. Mary had come with me today to stand by me. She put aside the lack of trust and respect that I'd shown her. What had I done? I accused her of being unfaithful. I was ready to see her as the bad guy and she was still there to support me. If I were to go ahead with the test, what does that say about the love we have shared for over twenty five years? My love for Mary was suspect, I didn't really trust her. Oh yeah, I could say the words, but did I mean them and most importantly, did I believe them? Suddenly, things became all too clear to me. Putting the sample cup on the counter, I left the room. I followed the corridor to Doctor Kathy's office. Mary's eyes were stained red from the tears. The doctor looked up without expression. I spoke, wondering if the words inside me could ever heal the damage I'd already done to my wife, "Come on Honey, lets go home." "But what about the test?" Mary asked. "It's not important, I believe you and that's all that matters," I said reaching for her hand. Seven month later, our baby was born. Six pounds, thirteen ounces of kicking screaming energy. He, oh yeah it was a boy, has ten toes, ten fingers, two ears and one nose just like me. Mary, breezed right through the birth even at her age. Call me an idiot, or a fool. That's something that has been done before by better men or women than you. Would you or could you blindly take the leap of faith and trust? I did, and would do it again. It may not be in your nature to take another's word so easily, but ask yourself if being right was worth what you may have lost. Think hard, the answer isn't as simple as it may seem. To rap this all up, don't any of you feel sorry for old Charlie. I don't, well except for the fact that I have to pay to be revasectomified. Did you know that the insurance company says only one to a customer? I think that's pretty narrow minded don't you? Sorry Charlie "WHAT DID YOU SAY!" she yelled. "I said, Bob was a big mouthed son-of-a..." She interrupted back, "No, the other part" "He had no right..." "Goddamn it Charlie, the other, other part." "I'm dying?" I said, hoping that was the part she kept asking about. "Oh God No!" the color had drained totally from her face, and she fainted. I saw no point in continuing this charade, if she wasn't going to stay awake long enough for me to talk with her, I might as well go play golf. I wasn't interested in playing a full eighteen holes, so I grabbed my Big Bertha driver from my bag. What I really felt like doing was hitting a couple of balls around Bob's office, unfortunately for Bob, the balls I wanted to hit were attached to him. It was a lucky thing for him that he wasn't at work, but not so lucky for me. When the cops finally found me at the Golf Emporium, I was selecting a new Bigger Big Bertha. My old one didn't hold up to the task of smashing in his office door. Did you know, the police won't let you take golf equipment into your cell after you've been arrested? Neither did I, it's a stupid rule if you ask me. What did they think I was going to do, hit somebody? They gave me one phone call, so I called Dominos for a pizza. Before the pizza arrived, Mary showed up. Bob walked in right behind her, this really ticked me off, one pizza is barely enough for two. The guard opened my cell door, and told me I was free to go. "Go where," I thought. Bob opened his big mouth first, "Charlie, you have to listen real carefully. I know you're upset, but I have some great news for you. You're not going to die, at least not any time soon. There was a problem at the lab with the computer, you're ok Charlie, you're ok," he said enthusiastically, and waited for my reaction. I didn't move, that was the worst possible news he could have told me. Now I had to live with the thought of Mary cheating on me for another thirty years, fuck. Mary chipped in, "Isn't that great news honey?" "Yeah, fucking swell. Is my pizza here yet?" I asked. "Didn't you hear Bob, sweetie? You're not going to die," she beamed. "Yeah, I heard him, but it changes nothing. My life is still over, only now, I get live along time and experience the misery day after day," I grumbled. Bob looked at Mary and asked, "Has he always talked gibberish, or is this a fairly recent development?" Mary ignored Bob, grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me, "Charlie, Charlie, snap out of it. Why are you acting like such a horse's ass?" "Mary," I paused, "What did I ever do to cause you to cheat on me, was I such a bad husband?" "Cheat on you? Bob we've got to get him to a doctor quick, he's losing his mind," she said, as Bob nodded in agreement. "That may very well be true Mary, but it doesn't explain the condom wrappers I found in your purse." "Do you mean the ones I used for balloons at your birthday party, those condoms, Charlie? You didn't really think... Oh Charlie, why didn't you just ask me?" she replied, with sadness in her eyes. I thought back to my party, and Bob paid the pizza guy. There were balloons weren't there? No, they were rubbers, oh shit... This is not good, now that I was going to live, I was so, so dead... "Mary is going to fucking kill me when she finds out about her mother and sister" I thought to myself. Oh Lord, take me now, I've been a bad, bad boy. Mary hadn't cheated on me after all, and the melon-coma machine was on the fritz, you just can't trust anyone any more. First my doctor, and then my own eyes. The lying bastards, I should sue both of them for mal-cactus. What would Mary do in this predicament? She'd undoubtedly come straight to me and tell me, I owed her the same. I wasn't about to try and come up with some lame reason, the truth was going to be hard enough for her to swallow. Plan D, confess to Mary. When we got home from the Iron Bar Hotel, I sat Mary down in my easy chair. I went to the kitchen and poured Mary a Big Gulp Chardonnay, she would probably need it before I finished my confession. Before I could open my mouth, Mary took the lead, "Charlie, you don't have to say any thing. You are the most important thing in my life, and I love you no matter what. You were under a tremendous amount of stress, it's amazing that you held together as well as you did, considering the pressure you put on yourself. The only thing I'm sorry about is that you didn't come to me and let me in, it hurts Charlie." "Please believe me Mary, I tried, I really tried. The house was full of people, I never had the opportunity. Then when I found the condom wrappers, I..." Mary stopped me. "Charlie, I know you did, now. I remember how miserable you were at your own birthday party. I'm so sorry Charlie, how can I ever make that up to you? I was so selfish." "Mary, for God's sake, stop interrupting. I have to get this off my chest before I have a coronary..." She did it again, she fuckin' interrupted me, "Which is it Charlie, are you going to tell me about Mom, or Karen?" I took Mary's cup and swallowed the contents, all thirty-two ounces, "You already know??? Do you want me to pack my things now, or will the morning be soon enough?" I stammered. Mary reared back and slapped my face, "Look Charlie, I've taken a boat load of crap from you this week, and I've forgiven you for all of it. If you don't start acting like the man I married again, well, you don't want to know what I'll do then." "You slapped me," I said with surprise. "Yes I did, and I'll do it again if you ever push me away like that again. Charlie, I think of you with every breath I take. When you told me you were dying, the way you did, I died too. I fully understand now what you did, not that I like it, but I understand it," she stated. "I'm so ashamed of myself, I don't deserve..." she fuckin' did it again. She interrupted my apology, this was starting to piss me off. "Yes you do sweetie, and you deserve a whole lot more. Now take me to bed, or do you want me to call Mom... You know, she told me to tell you that you have a cute penis... I think so too," she kissed my forehead. Cute! I'll show her who's cute. A mans cock is not cute, it's a weapon! I threw Mary over my shoulder, and without thinking carried her out to the garage. You make love in the bedroom, so I fucked Mary in the garage. Let's just see if she thought that was cute. Then I took her in the tool shed too, that one was for her mother's smart assed remark. We tore the shit out of the flower garden next, that was for the humiliation her lesbo sister put me through. As Mary was trying to pull a geranium out of her butt crack, I asked "Well, have you had enough, or is it still cute?" "Aren't you still mad at Bob, maybe we could do it in the attic next? That would sure teach him a lesson." she said throwing her arms around my neck. That turned out to be a bad idea, after the ceiling caved in we ended up in the bedroom anyway. But we sure taught Bob three or four things, and we're going to do it some more if Mary can get me hard again. So you might ask me, why now am I sitting in this bar? Well, Karen asked me to stand up for her at her wedding this weekend, I don't know whether I'm the best man, or the maid of honor. I'm trying to get enough courage to get my legs waxed, just in case Karen is the bride. I wouldn't want to make a mockery out of the bridesmaid dress they've chosen.