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Mixing with Vanilla Pt. 01

By: IvanMazlow



Really, this is one of those situations that I've heard of so many times that it actually contributed to my impetus to start writing about all of this. I recently received a mail from a man in a long term relationship requesting advice. He indicates that while this relationship of his is healthy and solid, it's also exclusively vanilla, and he wishes to explore his dominant side. And further, that he feels his partner has submissive tendencies that would make adding elements of D/s to their sex life mutually enriching and exciting. And I feel that is so commonplace that I thought it might be useful to finally address it directly.

The truth is, if you are in a relationship and you identify strongly with a dominant or submissive nature, and you feel your partner has an unexpressed correspondingly opposite inclination, odds are you're completely right. If you do have this tendency, it would be difficult to imagine that it does not manifest in your behavior. And since you're in a relationship, it follows that this behavior is compatible with their preferences. 

Introduction.

The first thing I'd say to those in this situation is that I don't really think the bedroom is the best venue to introduce more structured power exchange into an existing relationship. We tend to view sex as the culmination of a relationship; the consummation of a courtship. That courtship might be as brief as an evening in a nightclub or as long as long as months or years of dating. The point is that what happens before the sex sets the tone to be agreed upon by the physical intimacy that 'seals the deal' so to speak, even in casual contexts.

Since sex is largely by default considered sort of a later stage in a romantic relationship, and that stage is founded on the what a couple shares prior to it, trying to change the tone of a relationship with sex is often a bit like trying to alter the terms of a contract after it's signed. Often a partner can feel disturbed, tricked, alienated, or even cheated. Confronted by it, they can have an 'I didn't sign up for this' reaction.

So, my usual suggestion is to first try a more subtle sort of renegotiation of selective aspects of the relationship, slowly and easily, over a little bit of time where the partner can experience and accustom to it. In other words, try consciously demonstrating positive aspects of dominant behavior consistently in other parts of the relationship and allow them to respond. Hopefully, if we're correct in our suspicion of a submissive nature, that response should be a positive one.

Stated differently, a dominant can subtly try power exchange on for size for both parties, rather than engaging in some awkward discussion that abruptly risks alienation and rejection. The more open talk about power exchange can be postponed until after a positive example has been set for it, to show your partner what you have in mind, rather than resorting to some abstract hypothesis that might seem frightening. 

In a sense, dominants have it easier than submissives in this situation. The reason being, a dominant essentially builds this social construct that others will encounter and inhabit to the degree they wish to be submissive to it. A dominant can build this structure on his own, so to speak, without requiring cooperation. But a submissive who builds such a construct is essentially being dominant, and not likely to draw a lot of personal emotional satisfaction from the arrangement. So submissives in this situation would need an entirely different approach that we can discuss another time.

Additionally, it has the benefit of giving the nascent dominant an opportunity to stick their 'toe in'. Often times in relationships there are things that we are lead to believe that we want, that we should want, that will make us happy and satisfied, but out self awareness and insight were mislead upon. And taking a little 'test run' might just alter their views of what they really do want in a relationship.

In discussion, once, when relating basically this approach that I'm about to share, a friend who was incidentally a lady who I have great respect and affection for, complained that she felt this approach was overly manipulative. I respect that opinion, and people who conducted their relationships in that straight-forward, 'face value' fashion in which she conducted hers. But I stated why I disagreed and eventually she came to.. well, to still object but a little less firmly, to be honest. But, there was concession! Before commencing I'd like to share the grounds that I disagreed upon, now, as I think they'll be pertinent in a cautionary and instructive sort of way.

As I've said elsewhere, the difference between being a good, healthy dominant, and being manipulative, lies in the simple criteria of being responsible and accountable for the behavior that you compel in a partner. It's similar to the difference between a parent offering a sweet to a child as a reward and an adult using a sweet to lure a child into a van. When you are a good dominant you are leading both of you to a better place based not just upon your nature, but theirs as well, and wherever you turn up, you take full responsibility and accountability for the results; good or bad, for better or worse.

What I'm describing is really sort of a snapshot, a microcosm, of really what it means to be a good dominant. Being a good dominant is not about handcuffs or floggers. It basically means consciously directing aspects of a relationship that are often more random, but doing so in a communicative way that takes full responsibility and accountability for the results. True, it's a more delicate process than an 'established' dominant undergoes with a 'professed' submissive when their relationship begins out under fully kinky pretext. But it's still the process of building intimacy and trust and guiding how a relationship evolves to the mutual satisfaction of both parties. That satisfaction, not incidentally, might not be reached, or at least reached so easily, if the burden of full responsibility was distributed equally between both partners. 

To those who might call it deceptive, I'd counter that those who suppress their wants and don't communicate them to those with which they share intimacy are, in my opinion, the ones being deceptive. The ones who act happy and put on a brave face, and say they couldn't possibly be more satisfied. I honestly have yet to see a relationship where that approach truly benefitted either party in the long run. 

What I'm advocating is carefully and selectively unveiling and manifesting, certain parts of your nature to a partner and allowing them the freedom to respond as their nature dictates. You then accept that response, and respect it, and continue to move ahead, whatever that response is. And further, you're doing this in a way that accepts the responsibility for the results staying positive. And I can't think of anything that could be more caring and honest.

I've also heard feminist concerns expressed in regards to this. Now, regardless of your views on sexism, yes, what I'm going to describe does quite closely follow the classical paradigm of a man leading a woman in a relationship in that classical, even archetypal image. I would use the term 'patriarchal', but in context that would make it a bit weird and awkward, for some, wouldn't it? But, as a matter of fact, if you look hard at the old images of Valentinos and Casanovas and the classical, good, old-fashioned lover-boy romantic man, truly, it is great, if mostly vanilla dominant behavior. They whisk a woman off her feet and lead her to follow effortlessly along an enchanted experience of his construction and selection but to her delight dictated by her nature, but to their mutual enjoyment. Often he coaxes her beyond her demure, inhibited inclinations. That's all not such a bad image to keep in mind as a dominant. And yes, I'll even confess, that old fashioned assignation of gender roles is still most common and popular among both sexes. 

But! It needn't be that way. A swashbuckling contemporary lady can lead her liberated gentleman along in exactly the same fashion. Or a gentleman can lead another gentleman, lady can lead another lady, or whatever combination. Archetypes convey an idea, not a literal blueprint. And I support anyone's right to conduct their own relationships however they see fit; sub or dom. 

So, I'll break this down into three sections. First we'll discuss how to set up that space. Second, we'll discuss what to do within that space. And third we'll cover how to progress that space towards that 'talk' and moving it into more intimate, bedroom situations.

Setting up the space.

In a situation like we've described, as we said, there is likely already some dominant and submissive dynamic established. So, we want to introduce these changes in very specific and separated and defined contexts. In other words, you're building up this alternative structure in specific times and ways and allowing them to respond in a way that they so far haven't frequently done in the relationship. This little experiment will be most effective if it has a fairly definable start and finish and is fairly easily distinguishable from the way your relationship normally operates outside of those boundaries.

Part of the reason is that you want your partner to notice that contrast. You want this behavior distinguished from the norm, the usual, that she's experienced in your relationship thus far, and hopefully to eventually come to prefer this new one. However, you don't want the contrast in behaviors to be so stark as to be shocking or overwhelming in scope so that they might seek to escape them to the more comfortable and familiar space of your usual relationship roles and dynamics.

Also, you want it differentiated from your usual interactions for the more pedestrian use of referring back to it later in your discussions. This way they can say something like, 'I really enjoyed this evening," or, "Something about you seemed different last night," and it can actually provide fodder for healthier discussion. Discussion which, incidentally, they can approach you on, broaching this formerly awkward topic that you might have been fretting talking about. Or, you can ask, "Did you enjoy the other night," giving you an easier way to review their reactions, and thus to modify your approaches in successive sessions.

So, where does one put this separate time to try out your new dominant tendencies? If you have a date night or some other 'together time', either in a structured way or just based upon how your schedules tend to work out, that is the ideal window. If you don't have a 'date night' or maybe something like those lazy Sundays that you spend together recuperating from the week, this is the perfect way to start one. After all, what romantic partner doesn't want a little more attention dedicated to enjoying each other's company away from other demands and distractions?

Whether it's a new thing or a modification of a standing habit, both are equally useful. After all, a conspicuous change to behavior in a long standing routine can be just as noticeable as an entirely fresh new habit. And your taking the noticeable initiative in improving your relationship will almost always make your partner gratefully receptive to the newer behaviors that you plan on adopting.

As I always say, start this out slow. Once date night for a couple of weeks is a good start. It will give them time to notice this new side of you and to recognize some consistency in it emerging. It will also give them time to accustom and consider how they wish to respond. 

This period might also require some adjustment to your approach. One size does not fit all, and missteps do happen. It could be it comes on a bad night, or some part of the evening just doesn't go well. Or maybe they don't respond well to your more subtle demonstrations, at first. 

Don't be discouraged. Keep this new special time of yours 'sacred' and simply be persistent and adjust your approach according to what you learn in the process. And do not think the time is wasted if it turns out to take a little longer than you initially had hoped. This attentiveness and insight developed on your part is an important part of the process, and this time isn't only for their benefit, but yours, learning to find ways to persuade them to respond. 

And only when you notice this period yielding that consistent, positive response from them, three weeks or three months later, you can begin 'upping the dosage' to maybe longer sessions, or two sessions a week. And we'll cover that process of adjustment later in the section on progression.

We'll cover that after the more delicate process of guiding that progress in the next section.

Mixing with Vanilla Pt. 02



So, now we know the where, when and who, which leads us to the how. This is where it gets tricky.

Remember that being a dominant is truly not simply about getting compliance from a partner. It's about making that partner feel good about willingly giving that power over to you. Or, put another way, as my own mantra always goes, healthy power exchange always trades responsibility and accountability for that power exchanged.

Don't you wish politics reflected a bit more of that world view?

How that applies in this instance is that a submissive inclination manifests most easily in a secure social space; that structure and intimate trust that we keep describing a dominant as building consistently over time with his efforts and discipline. As they say, after all, respect must be earned. And that's what this process is all about.

What you want to do to start carrying the burden of responsibility for how this little block of time that you're sharing. As I've said, this period isn't only for the submissive's benefit, but for the dominant to get their feet wet, and accustom to the peculiar mindset.

It will feel really alien at first. We've been conditioned by our culture to prefer to treat social time in a mutually collaborative sort of way, and if things don't go well, it's nobody's fault. Here, in this space you're making, you are making the decisions, you are providing the initiative, and if things don't go well, it's on you alone. So you want to ease yourself into this mindset for short periods.

You also want to do it gently. One of the problems that many people experience when trying out their dominant side is failing to consider the level of confidence you need to demonstrate to carry it smoothly. As a result, they need to 'psych themselves up' to be more assertive. And that often leads to some clumsy communication.

You want to start out by communicating. Instead of focusing on being assertive and confident, focus on demonstrating both initiative and care. Bring up your plan in the context of something that you'd like to do or that you think would be fun for both of you, and then ask what they think.

That latter part often throws people too. They don't associate being dominant with asking for feelings or opinions. And in fact, this is somewhat delicate. On one hand, it's vital that you're constantly mindful of their feelings and reactions, and visibly demonstrating that their inclinations, preferences, and nature are playing a significant role in your decision making process. On the other hand, you have to insulate them from feeling at all responsible for the decisions that you make based on that information.

Taking a common example that I've heard many submissive peoples complain about their partners in, let's say you're a dominant setting up a date night. You might say, "Let's go out for dinner. What sort of food are you hungry for?" Saying "Let's" allows them to feel they can offer more feedback than something like, "We're going out," but it still gives them the feeling that you are owning the idea that they can participate in. Similarly, by asking, "What are you hungry for?" you're leaving the sort of feedback they want to give as open as possible, rather than giving them a checklist of types of food they have to choose from, or multiple choice lists of restaurants. All of those questions delegate choice and therefore power back to your partner.

So the dominant wants to know what time to plan it for. He'll say, "I'll make reservations. Can you be ready for six thirty?" With the making the reservations, he's stepping up, showing initiative and leadership, and making himself easy to follow. Then he's giving an avenue for feedback, but not asking for them to choose a time. He comes up with the time and lets them respond how they will, and maybe saying 'Then how about seven?' if it's insufficient. Also, if you notice, this example gets clever as it verbally changes asking what time they can be ready into offering a way to participate productively in the evening the dominant is planning; 'Can you be ready by six thirty?'

You want to conduct communication in that way for most of the evening. The fine art of leading a conversation is an art you can develop similarly. You want to strike a balance between offering your thoughts and disclosing about yourself, asking about their thoughts, and demonstrating recognition, respect, empathy for how they reply. You essentially introduce topics and thoughts and allow them to respond. The point is to make them feel engaged without feeling like they have a particular role that needs to be filled in the conversation.

That is the crux of what you're doing in your communication as a dominant. In every other social venue, we're constantly responding to vague social cues and puzzling out how we might be expected to respond. As much as possible, what a dominant wants to do is to make any expectations that will affect a submissive crystal clear to them, or else removing the concern and consequences entirely in conscious, deliberate fashion. However, we're just starting out, here, so we're only exercising that exchange of responsibility in simple, easy, and carefully selected ways.

Some at this point might observe that what we're doesn't seem very dominant, more resembling the behavior they might expect from a submissive. It's true; we're not actually asking for much from the submissive at this point. But we are asking for one very significant thing. We're asking them to try to enjoy participating in an exchange that we're controlling. And once they become comfortable and even desirous of that sort of space, we can begin giving them way in which to participate more actively. But that participation will be under our active direction.

Maybe into this dinner date night, instead of carrying everything yourself, as the dominant, you might ask them to get your coats while you pay the bill, or wait while you get the car. Maybe you can ask them to run into a convenience store while you wait outside with the engine running or some little 'favors' at your direction.

The thing to keep in mind is to make these requests on them be under your initiative. Never expect them to figure out what you want on their own at this stage. And never, ever show dismay on them not anticipating some wish of yours. If they do something you don't prefer, or fail to do something that you want, this is where you step up and take accountability and responsibility for your wishes.

That is another thing many dominants discover discomfort with at this stage. You have to learn at this point to begin asking for things because you want or prefer them and for no other reason. We often tend to do otherwise. If we want something, we justify why it's reasonable, explain why we want it or how it's better than the alternative. But right here is where you begin to step up and say what you want.

Maybe on your second date night you might ask your partner to wear an outfit that you like because you like it. When you might that request, it's vital that you own it that way. It has to be because it will make you happy, with no other reason or justification.

This can lead to the tricky situation of them potentially refusing your request. This is another delicate point that I want to explain carefully. You are not at the stage where you can start attaching consequences to their obedience of these wishes. You cannot act petulant or hurt or any of those other passive aggressive behaviors that we employ in a relationship to avoid taking direct responsibility for our requests.

So what do you do? You move on. You continue taking accountability and responsibility for keeping the evening pleasant. What this will create is the partner realizing that they were given an opportunity to contribute to the evening being special for you, and declined. If you're doing it right, this will bother them and they will probably adjust their behavior moving ahead.

Let's say, for example, you ask your partner to wear those shoes you like out to dinner, and they say, "Oh, no, I'd really prefer to wear something more comfortable." Roll with that. Make it fine for you, smile for real and say okay. If it helps, they're still participating actively in your time and requests, even if it's not in that one way, so do your best not to let that little hiccup disrupt your momentum. And by all means, avoid any sort of passive aggressive, petulant, plaintive, mopey behavior. What you are doing is slowly moving power exchange into the open, and if you resort to subtly trying to influence them, you're only sabotaging your own efforts.

Often, sensing their missed opportunity to contribute, they'll negotiate. They'll say 'What about those other shoes' or 'what about the hat you like?' It's equally important to not allow this. Smile and encourage them to make the choices they like. Often they will go back and change their mind on their own. That's fine, but what you want to discourage is them feeling that negotiating and equivocating is viable. Power exchange is a tricky thing, and often the people who need it most will have such vulnerability to the feeling that they'll test it thoroughly before trusting it. So you want to make it clear through your actions that when you make a request of them, it's not opening a door for them to take power back by negotiating, equivocating, or arguing. They're free to comply or to not comply, but compliance is the exclusive means of obtaining the optimum reward of your gratitude in that one instance.

If the issue inflates to a point where it threatens smooth forward progress in the evening, which is a very real possibility if they do have a profoundly submissive drive, you do have an alternative. You must decline all alternatives they offer, but you can offer another of your own. Maybe those shoes really are very uncomfortable but they do want to please you. In this instance, bring up another alternative thing you enjoy; maybe the perfume you enjoy them wearing.

Yes, there is a lot to consider and keep track of, and it's very different from the relaxed mode of social interaction that we're used to. You have to be attentive and controlled while anticipating and planning ahead. I've often described being a dominant as being like those old vaudeville performers that used to spin plates on little pegs. You have a lot of plates to keep spinning. But trust me, the rewards are worth it, and when you get it right, you feel like James Bond.

That's how we start; with the basics. Next time I'll cover how to progress that situation as your partner begins to respond.