1 comments/ 31351 views/ 16 favorites How to Rim By: celesteandjim We hadn't expected to write again, but have received several requests to give more details about how Celeste and I rim. Since rimming has resulted in such exceptional orgasms for both of us over thirty-five years we, thought we should honor these requests. Some of this is scattered through the Guide, but important details are added At the outset, you have to recognize and overcome the psychological barrier that you are going to be putting you mouth and tongue on and in the anus, which also is the exit point for waste from the body. If you can't do this, don't read on—but know that you're turning away from pleasure you can only imagine if you don't rim. Come to grips with where your mouth and tongue are going. Common sense and careful cleaning create a perfect stage for rimming. Celeste and I have never had a problem, never—and we probably rim once a week. If you have never rimmed before and want to experience the thrill, it's probably a good idea for the women to administer an enema to herself before starting, maybe two, and then washing carefully. They really aren't necessary, but they'll put you at ease about elimination and make you more relaxed. With that out of the way, let's look at what you're trying to accomplish by rimming and compare it to eating pussy (cunnilingus). The ideal orgasm for Celeste involves simultaneously stimulating her clitoris, g-spot, the furrow between her inner and outer sphincters, and the tip ends of the arms of her clitoris. (All of this is explained in the Guide.) If I eat her pussy, what am I accomplishing? Actually, all I'm doing is stimulating her clitoris with my tongue and I don't know about you, but I find both the smell and taste of the vagina to be unpleasant. On the other hand, when we rim (analingus) we can accomplish all four goals, and without the nasty odor or taste. A clean asshole is absolutely delightful. To me, it tastes slightly sweet, slightly metallic, and very pleasant. Also, there's absolutely no possibility of pain for her, as I never penetrate her inner sphincter. As a matter of fact, my penis plays no role in rimming. Here's how I rim Celeste. I kneel on the floor with my knees resting on a pillow for comfort. Celeste lies on the edge of the bed with her legs resting on my shoulders and a doubled-up, thick pillow or cushion under her butt and the small of her back to provide a perfect angle for my tongue and a restful position for her. I then nimble at her rosebud (it looks just like one and opens up like one too) until she is aroused. When she is, I spread her ass cheeks as far as possible, form my mouth into an "o" and suck her hole open. [I know what some of you are thinking, but that has never happens. Never.] Once she is wide open, I broad stroke her up and down using running the flat of my tongue up and down her hole until she begins to tremble. Once this happens, I roll the edges of my tongue into the shape of a cannoli and gently tongue fuck the furrow between her outer and inner sphincter. While I'm doing this, Celeste chooses the intensity of the orgasm she wants to have. If she wants a regular, take-your-breath-away one, she just strokes her clit. If she wants more intensity, she slips her middle finger into her vagina, finds her g-spot with it, and presses against her g-spot while stroking her clit with her thumb, pushing the two together. If she wants to try to ejaculate, we use a g-spot stimulator. It looks something like a hook with a broad tip at its end but supplies a constant pressure that lead to an ejaculation about half the time. If she want the full monte, while I'm tongue fucking her and she is stroking her clit and g-spot, I take two fingers of one hand and press against the ends of the two arms of her clit which are located at about ten and two o'clock in the area around her hole if 12 o'clock is the point where her anus is closest to her vagina. [When Celeste rims me, her mouth and tongue actions are exactly the same. Obviously, there is no g-spot or tip ends of the clitoris stimulation, but she replaces them by scratching my frenulum while I play with my nipples. It's a gusher every time.] You just can't miss using these techniques, but you should be warned about a couple of things before you try our style of rimming. First, as Celeste's orgasm approaches her entire body starts to tremble. When the shaking starts, she thrusts her butt down on my face hard, trying to get my tongue as deeply into her as possible. Then her thighs clamp around my head and for a couple of seconds I have the sensation that I'm going to suffocate. Don't worry if this happens to you, the sensation passes and you will continue to breathe. Second, when her orgasm strikes, she often screams because of its power. This is fine when we are alone at home, but not something you want to have happen in a hotel or motel where it can disturb other people. Pencils can break, but the plastic dowel of a toilet paper holder clenched between the teeth prevents this from happening. Third, and Celeste wanted me to stress this, rimming is not a well-we've-done-that-now-let's-do-something-else activity, particularly for a woman who has not experienced the intensity of a rimming orgasm before. It can be so powerful that what has happened to her is a total surprise. It not that it is frightening, but it can be stunning. A woman's lover needs to stay with her, lying next to her in bed and holding her reassuringly, stroking her body gently as she comes down from what seems like an explosion within her body. As well, for a woman the afterglow that radiates through her is exquisite and needs to be savored. Rimming can produce an unbelievable sexual experience. We hope these details will help you to achieve one. How to Roleplay I have been married for... lots longer than most of you readers have been alive, I would bet. So how does one keep the passion alive and the sex life interesting after so many years? One technique is role playing. Even the most dedicated and committed couple will get bored with each other after a number of years. In the age of Ashley Madison and "We have an arrangement" web sites it is increasingly easy to stray. Role playing allows you to stray, to have an affair, to taste some forbidden fruit all without straying. For the people who visit this site, in particular, role playing should come almost as second nature. You are here because you are literate and have a very active imagination. So let's put those qualities to work! Treat role playing in the same manner a playwright would set up scenes for improvisational theatre. Script out the scene, with as much detail as you think you need. If there are particular items that would enhance the experience for one or the other or both, include them. If there are limitations then agree to those up front. Role playing is a license to play, not a license to make your partner uncomfortable or hurt them. It is up to everyone to know what those limits are. Even if you have been together for a long time, people change and you can be surprised. This brings us to the most important thing to remember about role playing. It is a ROLE you are PLAYING. You are not you and your partner is not your partner. You are characters in a play. If someone talks about how they traveled back in time and seduced Barbara Eden out of her "I Dream of Jeannie" costume, or screwed Shirley McLaine in a past life, they should not get accused of infidelity. That is part of the game. Set the scene properly. Just as a play needs a good set to be enjoyable, so does your role play. This does not mean you should go out and rent a doctor's office or buy examination tables to role play finding a cure for priapism (your erection lasts for more than 4 hours). Set up, say a comfortable doctor's waiting room in a room in your house. Characters require costumes but, again, this does not require you to go over the top or spend lots of money. You can probably find everything you need in your closet or with a quick trip to a Good Will or used clothing store. I would suggest you make your role play costumes somewhat but not completely over the top. For example, if a woman is playing a cop simply get some inexpensive handcuffs on line or at your local store, then wear dark pants and a man cut shirt over the sexiest underwear you own. Playing a maid? Don't but some cheaply made and over-priced costume. You can pull this off with a dark skirt, perhaps rolled up a bit to show more leg, thigh high hose and high heels. Accessories help create the character so use them. This is probably easier for the ladies then the guys out there, so here are some lists guys. You can try ties, bandanas, jackets, suits, hats, tool belts, rope, makeup from a costume store, old shirts (start cuts in them and then rip them off). Ladies, I suspect you already know how to accessorize but try adding stuff your guy keeps around. Maybe you can be the mechanic who gives the male customer a frequent repair bonus, so use your husband's greasy work shirt. Props and toys can be useful as well. Professor Husband is researching the most efficient ways to bring women to orgasm so he has a variety of vibrators to experiment with, for example. You have the props in your refrigerator! Conduct a marketing survey to ascertain what tastes best when licked off various areas of the human body. Chocolate? Whipped cream? Butterscotch sauce? Tequila sipped from a woman's navel? Make the role play last. A good movie is two hour long, so make your role play last as long. It gets lots more exciting than a 20 minute (or less) quickie before you drift off to sleep. The planning and getting things together adds to the excitement, so enjoy this part too. Every actor needs to get into the role. In this case we are getting into fantasy roles so look like a fantasy version of your character. Guys: even though most business people, doctors, lawyers and professionals do not wear suits to the office anymore, you should wear a suit if you are playing this role (unless specifically requested otherwise). If the plan is for you to play a pirate or other "evil" guy, plan it out (e.g. have two days beard growth) To the ladies I give similar advice. Coco Channel once advised that you should finish dressing, look in the mirror and take one accessory off. Here you should put another one on. I strongly suggest you go heavy on the makeup and use it far more proactively then you expect your character to use it. Also this is not a time for elegance, understatement or subtlety. Role playing is to "Hamlet" what Penthouse Forum is to Shakespeare, so dress and act appropriately. Make this as big or as small a production as you like. You can turn your entire house into a strip club, with downstairs as the main room and upstairs as the VIP room or champagne room. Stop by your local hardware store and pick up cheap spotlights to light the stage and move furniture around to create the bar and stage areas. You can make it small, where you use your dining room to get special service from your maid or butler, no decor changes required. You can even do this outside the home (though that may make your partner uncomfortable). You might, say, meet your spouse playing a "colleague from work" for drinks and get carried away, ending up back at "her place" for fun. So let your imagination run free, pick up a few cheap items to enhance the experience and most of all, have fun! How to Roleplay Online The idea of typing out your every move during a sexual encounter might sound tedious and boring to some, but the age of technology has created an intense and intriguing opportunity for many -- cybersex. I would argue that there is a difference between cybersex and roleplaying. The former is simply two individuals typing out how they would engage in sexual intercourse. The later is more detailed including a location set up, character set up, and much more detail on the 'why' of sex, as opposed to the end result. It would make sense from a sexist perspective to assume that only men enjoy cybersex and only women enjoy roleplaying. That is not the case as it is simply depends on what arouses the individual. The reason that online sex playing is so popular is that with the right partner you can enjoy whatever you want in a sexual experience. Money, location, physical looks are not limited. Role-playing is an art form that is growing for so many reasons. For me it's simply the fact that emotionally and physically I cannot have a one-night stand. I get too attached and would never go out and find someone just to have sex. Physically the world is much different then ten, even five years ago. You can never be too safe when it comes to sex. Therefore I believe that role-playing online is the safest sex you can ever have. Role-playing is an art and requires a certain amount of skill and knowledge. From my perspective I have heard and seen almost everything outrageous and crazy when it comes to this enjoying situation. I have come up with my top five of how to role-play 1 -- Honesty! Be honest with yourself and what you want from the situation. You can pretend to be someone your not but don't do the whole bait and switch thing. If you say you want a romantic, sensual scene then do that. Don't change half way through and decide that you need to fuck like an animal. It's best to spend a few minutes talking about what you want out of the situation. Discussing what both people look like, the type of sex you enjoy, any limits of things that are total turn offs and things that really need to be done are all important. Laying out your expectations may not sound romantic or sensual but will save both parties in wasting their time with someone who is so desperate they will lie about their interests just to 'fuck you." 2 -- Speak English! It's not necessary to have a degree in English and have the latest grammar textbook memorized. It is important to be able to communicate effectively on a simple level of words and sentences and paragraphs. Not being able to spell your partner's name correctly many times will not earn you any points. Nor will using words such as 'wot', 'yah', and a multitude of short forms. Doing all these things simply distract from the enjoyment and fun of role-playing online. 3 -- Details! The reason that online role-playing is so popular and so arousing is that two people are able to put in words what they would do in real life. Any one can type out 'cock in pussy.' The realism of the scene is based on typing out the five senses. Sex is not just about thrusting, it's about the smells, and the tastes, and the feelings of the encounter. Being detailed adds enjoyment for both parties. 4 -- Know What You Are Doing! So this tip is more of a rant about one of my biggest pet peeves. You don't have to have fucked over a hundred guys or girls to be good at role-play. You do need to know how sex works. Saying things like how your cock is so big it went into a girls' uterus is not only painful but also incorrect. Having a woman who is one month pregnant lactate is also incorrect. If you don't know the details of how you actually want to fuck at least read online before you initiate it. 5 -- Don't Cum and Leave! I'm sure that more men then women do this but just the same its just plan rude. There are a lot of things that fall under this issue. These include leaving early, suggesting something that the other person clearly does not want, and suddenly demanding things that are off limits. Roleplaying is clearly the new way of having one-night stands. It can be enjoyable for both people and when done correctly can be just as arousing as phone sex, cam sex, and maybe even real life sex. How to Ruin A Good Story Many tim I open a storie on literotica settle down in my chair and get ready to transported to my own little fantasyland. The title may be catchy prommising to be a very nice arousing story. I have hi hopes for a enjoyabl fwe minuets of reading. Then I began to read. Often I consider stoping in midstory but usualy perseveer becuase I want to see how the story turns out. A wonderful unique storie can so easily be spoiled because the author has not bothered to prooffread, use a spellchecking program and/or have someone edit the story. It is very annoying to try to read a store that is full of errors: mispellings, incorrect grammer useage and misplaced and missused punctuation marks. I have given a lower rateing than I would like to for a particular story, because of the reasons listed above. A story which I ordinarily would rate 5 for the storie isself might recieve 2 or 3 points lower from me, simply because the author didn't make the effort to assure that his or her story was properly proof read and edited. I am not claiming to be perfect. Im sure that pllenty of errors can be found in my storys...including this peice, even though I proofread them, and run them through the spllchecker at least twice. Of course, spell checking programs are not fool-proof, but they do help! It just But it bothers me to see such blatent misstakes. It appears as though the author is more intersted in churning out stiries instead of submmitting quality erotica. If an author does not care enuogh to check for and correct obveous errors, why should I bother to reed his or her work? I don't want to sound pompous or bitchy; I just want for people to make an effort in their writing so that they can produce the best storys possible. * * * * * * OK...enough of that. I think you get the idea, if you have read this far. What I just typed may seem like a major exaggeration, but it isn't far from the truth for some stories I've read here. Some works just have a few minor typographical errors, which isn’t really so bad. But some of the stories are full of mistakes of almost every kind. Trying to read a story that has such errors, many of which are glaringly obvious, is very difficult. Mistakes like those break the “flow” of reading, which is distracting. It makes it hard to keep up with the action in the story. My plea to authors is this: Please check your work. If you are not sure that you can do it on your own, please make use of one of the volunteer editors that offer their services for you on Literotica. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The corrected version: Many times I open a story on Literotica, settle down in my chair, and get ready to be transported to my own little fantasyland. The title may be catchy, promising to be a very nice, arousing story. I have high hopes for an enjoyable few minutes of reading. Then I begin to read. Often, I consider stopping in mid-story, but usually persevere because I want to see how the story turns out. A wonderful, unique story can so easily be spoiled because the author has not bothered to proofread, use a spell-checking program, and/or have someone edit the story. It is very annoying to try to read a story that is full of errors: misspellings, incorrect grammar usage and misplaced and misused punctuation marks. I have given a lower rating than I would like to for a particular story, because of the reasons listed above. A story which I ordinarily would rate "5" for the story itself, might receive 2 or 3 points lower from me, simply because the author didn't make the effort to assure that his or her story was properly proofread and edited. I am not claiming to be perfect. I'm sure that plenty of errors can be found in my stories...including this piece, even though I proofread them, and run them through the spellchecker at least twice. Of course, spell-checking programs are not foolproof, but they do help! It just bothers me to see such blatant mistakes. It appears as though the author is more interested in churning out stories instead of submitting quality erotica. If an author does not care enough to check for and correct obvious errors, why should I bother to read his or her work? I don't want to sound pompous or bitchy; I just want people to make an effort in their writing so that they can produce the best stories possible. How to Ruin a Marriage Having just begun my journey down the yellow brick road of divorce, I thought it might behoove some of you to share a bit of my recently acquired wisdom. I suppose you could read my tips and avoid doing the things they describe if you actually enjoy being in your relationship, but this is really a guide on how to fuck up a marriage. So if you'd like some sure-fire catalysts that will reveal you to be the asshole you know you are deep down inside, read on. This is for you. In this brief but fairly thorough guide, you will see the spouse referred to as 'her.' Have no fear – these tips will work just as well for your unsuspecting male spouse. 1. Don't take the other person's feelings into consideration. You may be tempted to be nice to your spouse, to think about her feelings before opening your big mouth. Well, that's a big no-no if you want to ruin your marriage. You need to be adamant about being an asshole, or you might send mixed messages. 2. Do tell lies liberally. Show no remorse when caught in said lies. If you really want her to know what little regard you have for her, lie through your teeth. Do it enough that she'll be sure to catch you having a nooner with your secretary, practicing the bad habit you promised you had quit, or staying out all night when you promised you'd be home for dinner. When she questions your actions, just shrug it off and play loud music so you can't hear her bitching. Who cares that she spent all night cooking or you were supposed to quit smoking together? She's just a nag and she should have known that yes meant no. 3. Don't pay attention to anything your spouse says. I know this can be difficult, especially when she's always trying to work through your collective problems in order to encourage a healthier relationship. Even worse, if that nagging spouse wants you to rinse your dishes once in a while so she's not always finding crusty milk glasses lying about, make a point to leave even more of the offending dishes on every available surface. Be thorough in your disregard. 4. Do be sure to launch verbal attacks regularly. Tell your spouse things that you know will really sting. As an example, "Honey, when you had the job where you came home in pain every night after busting your ass for just above minimum wage... That was, for me, the happiest part of our marriage." Score extra points if you are able to make such statements in a friendly tone of voice, sporting a doublewide smile. Don't worry, she won't confuse your intentions when you're being so damn nasty. 5. Don't ever discuss your issues while sober. This is a big one! Bottle up all of your fears, insecurities and venom. Never, ever open that bottle while sober. In fact, the longer you can hold it all inside, the better. Get irate about things and make mental lists. Wait to mention any of it until you're both drunk and it's been so long that most of your points are ancient history. If your spouse tries to defend herself against the attack, get even more pissed off because she's being defensive. This is your soapbox, dammit! When she begs you to wait until you're both sober to continue the discussion, act like you didn't even hear her request. Eventually she'll realise that you really don't care about her emotional well-being at all. 6. Do make promises which you do not intend to fulfill. Example: Is she miserable after having moved to your town? Tell her that it would be nice to go somewhere else for a change of scenery. Then, take issue with every place that she mentions. Suggest cities that you know she won't like. Become indignant and add to your drunken piss and vinegar bottle. The next time she brings up the topic of moving, tell her that you've changed your mind and you like it where you are, so you're not willing to move. Never mind that she stayed where you wanted to be for years on end. In closing, if you're bound and determined to be the asshole who ruins a relationship that used to be healthy and full of love, do your best to become a passive aggressive time bomb. You'll get your spouse so very turned around that she'll either become a depressed wreck or get fed up and leave. Either way, you'll be able to get rid of her soon enough. How To Ruin Your Life This essay is the antidote to the mind-numbing horde of self-help gurus clogging up the best seller list with their recycled platitudes and hyphenated feel-good life-strategies. Have you ever known anyone who actually benefited from a self-help book (besides the author?) It's time to get real, folks. It's time to embrace a life-strategy that follows the path least resistance; a life strategy that any loser can manage without breaking a sweat. I have outlined below a 12-step program that can facilitate the endeavor of ruining one's life. (Actually, it's a 21-point list, but everybody's into 12-step programs these days, so let's just pretend that's what it is.) Now, I admit, the cautious reader might look at these 12 steps as examples of behavior to avoid. What a bunch of candy-ass wimps! Man-up, dudes and dudettes! Get off your sorry butts and make something of yourselves! It's never too late to turn over a new leaf! You only live once! Go for the gusto! Make every moment count! (Are you getting tired of these stupid exclamation points yet? I know I am!) 1. CATCH A STD - 'Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw' is not just an old Jimmy Buffet song, it's also a great way to get yourself infected. Just ask yourself: what would Jack Daniels do? Seize the moment! Seize the breasts! Seize the ankles and thrust them skyward! I would suggest that fucking while drunk necessitates the non-use of a condom, assuming you're a guy like me and you enjoy getting your rocks off in a suitably-juicy manner. Condoms are for pussies! (Literally!) By shucking your condom you get to wallow in the mess afterwards, which can be quite thrilling when you get home to your wife, and you've got sticky semen all in your pubes and underpants. How do you explain that? It makes life much more interesting, more of a challenge. Challenges build character, and character attracts the ladies, so you can't lose, (other than losing your wife, but you knew that was inevitable anyway, right?) 2. DO DRUGS? - (Disclaimer: Don't do any illegal drugs, for the sake of the rules governing postings on this website.) Nancy Reagan said 'no' but I say 'yes'. Drugs are an American innovation. We should be proud to do drugs. It's our patriotic duty. Do drugs at work. Do drugs while driving. Do drugs in church. Hell, the Lord sees everything you do anyway, so why worry about it? For a truly inspiring drug experience, I would recommend lighting up with your preacher. It could lead to some very spiritually rewarding conversations: "Dude, I can almost see the Virgin Mary's pussy in that stained glass window." "Dude, don't call me Dude, call me Preacher Dude." "Cool, Dude, I mean Preacher Dude. Are you going to hand me back that spliff?" "Patience, Dude. Where'd you get this shit, anyway? It's fucking righteous." "Mrs. Abernathy. She grows it in her basement." "Cool. Mrs. Abernathy gave me a blowjob once. It was okay, but she was so worried about getting jizz on her dress, it was like getting a blowjob from a nun. I prefer it when a chick gets naked for a blowjob, or at least takes off her top, or unbuttons her choir robe." "I'm with you on that one, Preacher Dude. So listen, when you're baptizing a chick, can you, like, see her bra and shit when her outfit gets wet?" "Dude! Why do you think I became a preacher!" Doing drugs can make an ordinary experience into a life-changing event. Say someone slipped some LSD in your Dasani water, and you're up on your second floor balcony, trying to decide whether or not you can fly. If you survive, you'll probably end up in a wheelchair. The upside? Government disability checks for the rest of your life. Cool, huh? Say you're out on a blind date, and your gal is not only built like a refrigerator, but that refrigerator was whupped by the ugly stick. Get high, turn off the lights, and suddenly you're making love to Pam Anderson (after she got out of the biz and gained 60 pounds.) Doing drugs is the perfect solution to the imperfect life. Too bad they're so expensive. You can get around that by becoming a dealer yourself. The Comedy Central Series 'Weeds' would be a good reference for the dedicated do-it-yourselfer, as would just about any rap CD. 3. RIDE A MOTORCYCLE - Ride with pride! Ride with abandon! Ride with your helmet hanging from the handlebars. But by all means, ride with life insurance, so your beneficiaries can reap the rewards of your stupidity. It's sort of like the old 'paying it forward' thing. You drop your bike in front of a semi and die. Your beneficiary buys a Harley with the money and then they get T-boned by Mrs. Abernathy pulling out of the church parking lot. It's a beautiful thing. It's like that old song, 'Will the Circle Be Unbroken' except the circle has chrome spokes. 4. FUCK YOUR BOSS - I don't mean fuck with your boss. We all do that. I mean, have sex with your boss. Cum in her mouth, on her tits, in her asshole. Make sure everyone in the office knows about it. Take some surreptitious photos with your cellphone and pass them around. This is a guaranteed way to make you the king of the workplace for those glorious few days before you get fired. Might as well go out in style, right? 5. FUCK YOUR IN-LAWS - For a guy, the sister is best, although the mother-in-law would do in a pinch. Start by getting her drunk. Cop an accidental feel and see how she reacts. Tell her you love big-thighed women. Tell her there's nothing like a soft mushy ass in the dark to make you feel like a man. Your in-laws want you to feel like a man, because you married their sister/daughter, and the desirability of their relative is in direct proportion to your manhood. Again, you would want to take the compromising cellphone pictures of your naked, except, in this instance, you would want to post them on their MySpace page. It's important to keep the family in the loop. You know what they say: the family that gets naked together stays together. (Okay, I'm not sure if that's exactly what they say, but it's close.) 6. PISS OFF YOUR NEIGHBORS - So many people miss this one, and it's so easy. You have a stereo, right? Open the window that faces their house, preferable about two minutes after they turn their lights out. You want them to be just starting to drift off into slumberland when they are awakened by Ozzy Osbourne eating a chicken head. (I'm sorry if I have this reference wrong. I know nothing about Ozzy Osbourne, but figured his music would be a good way to annoy a neighbor.) If you have a dog, make sure your dog barks all the time and shits in their yard. If they have a cat, put out some antifreeze. It's good for cats in cold weather. If your neighbors have any tools you can borrow, return them broken. It's the neighborly thing to do. You would also want to hit on the neighbors wife, or daughter, if she's old enough, but that's already a given if you're a guy like me. 7. EAT WRONG - Why worry about eating right? We're all going to die anyway. Might as well enjoy what little of life we have left, don't you think? Fried food is a good place to start, and it's quite delicious, especially with lard and plenty of salt. Bacon, eggs, red meat, pork are all good choices. (At this point, I'd like to say something about sausage, which gets a bum rap. They say sausage is bad for the colon. Well, duh! You're supposed to eat it!) (Thank you, Jay Leno.) 8. CHEAT ON YOUR TAXES - You know the rich cheat on their taxes, so why shouldn't you? If you're against the Iraq war, you have a duty to cheat on your taxes. If you're for the Iraq war, you already cheat on your taxes, since you obviously have no conscience or scruples. The good thing about cheating on your taxes is; there are a lot of clueless babes working as IRS auditors. When you get audited, you might be able to extend the encounter to the point where more than numbers are getting crunched. There's nothing like that magic moment when your auditor's white blouse hits the floor and her nylons bunch up around her untanned ankles. It's the ultimate sexual conquest, and could net you a refund if you were to play your cards right. 9. BUY HIGH, SELL LOW - Now that the housing bubble has burst, it's almost too late to buy high. But if you were to hook up with a super-optimistic slimeball-agent (which you could find with the help of the local Chamber of Commerce, since all those Chamber of Commerce bozos are super-optimistic slimeballs,) you could probably still find some rundown overpriced fixer-upper loser piece-of-shit home and make an offer twenty percent over the asking price. Getting a big-ass expensive house in a crappy, rundown neighborhood would be a sensible way to go. I mean, isn't that the mantra of the real estate biz? Location, location, location. 10. MAINTAIN YOUR CAR - NOT! - Never, and I mean never, ever change the oil in your car. Okay, I'm stretching a metaphor here, but changing your oil is like changing your socks. Einstein never changed his socks, because he knew when he did, he'd just have to do it again the next day. It's a trap, I tell you! The oil companies already have enough of our money without us clueless consumers buying 5 quarts of 10W40 every three-thousand miles. To hell with Bob and Ray at Car Talk. Tell them to take their dipsticks and shove them up their asses! Sideways! 11. PERSONAL HYGIENE? ARE YOU SERIOUS? If you can even spell 'hygiene' you take life way too seriously. You need to lighten up. Why brush your teeth every day? Think of all the other things you could be doing during those precious three minutes. You could be spying on your divorcee-neighbor, or chugging one more beer, or running up your credit card on a live webcam porn site. Personal hygiene is for babies and corporate executives, so, unless you fall into either category, just blow off that shower until you really, really, really need it. (Note: having a hippie girlfriend helps, as does being homeless.) 12. RUN UP YOUR CREDIT CARD - If a deficit is good enough for the government, it's good enough for you. Don't be concerned about trying to live within your means. Only sissies live within their means. Splurge on something for the little lady, like a 48 inch plasma screen, or a new set of Craftsman tools. And don't be too concerned about the due date on your statement. Those credit card companies are so busy, they can't keep track of your due date. Just pay whenever you feel like it, which brings us to our next suggestion. 13. PAYDAY LOANS ARE COOL - Actually, payday loans suck, but having more cash than any of your friends on a Wednesday night is cool. We live in a materialistic society. Money is more important than integrity or common sense. That's why you don't want to miss out on the opportunity to put your money to work for someone else. As an experiment in creative financing, try paying your credit card with your payday loan. See how long you can keep it up before they come repossess your car. What the hell, you don't need a car anyway, (although I suppose a car could be a nice alternative to being homeless.) On second thought, perhaps you should pay your car loan with your payday loan and let them repossess your house instead. 14. TELL THE TRUTH - Really, no one tells the truth any more. Lying has become the American way. It's the cornerstone of the free market. Where would Squibb, GM, and Philip Morris be if they didn't lie? Where would the president be if he didn't lie? What is the meaning of the word 'is'? I'm telling you, the truth is a death sentence. Would you get that dream-job if you told the interviewer how you spend every waking minute surfing LIT for erotic stories that get you so turned on you cum all over your slacks? I don't think so. Lying is in your best interests, so if you want your life to go to shit, tell the truth. 15. GET DISORGANIZED - Again, this one is so easy. They say start small: try designating a special spot in your home to put your mail so you'll always know where to find it. The floor is a good choice. Behind the couch is even better. Sticking it in between the pages of last week's Sunday paper is ideal. I like to put my mail in the freezer, but I'm funny that way. I also keep socks in there, in deference to Einstein, and I think there's a kitten back there too. (It's a long story.) I like to look at disarray as if it was a pop star. (Perhaps I'm thinking of Desiree. Doesn't matter.) The important thing is to go for the gusto. Personally, I collect dust bunnies. I think they're cute, dancing around the floor every time I try to stumble from one room to the next, dodging McDonalds bags, and pizza boxes and clattering beer bottles. I call my cute little dust bunnies names, like the Seven Dwarfs. "On Dancer, on Comet, on Donner, on Blitzen." Wait a minute, did I just mention Comet? Isn't that a cleaning product? Well, excuse me. 16. LET DOWN YOUR FRIENDS - Friends are overrated. Friends are a time-sponge. Friends are always coming around wanting this or that: "Dude! You want to go to the game? I've got center-court seats, right next to Nicholson." Or: "Dude! You want my boat? The wife says I gotta get rid of it." Dude, you don't need a boat. You don't need to go to a noisy basketball game, smelling Nicholson's BO and the stinky perfume of his latest glamorous-whore-girlfriend-bitch. You need to be You, without all these distractions. If your friends knew they couldn't count on you for shit, they'd give you your space, and you could bloom like a three-week old dead rose at a funereal. Speaking of which... 17. PROPER FUNEREAL ETIQUETTE - Bring a hooker to a family funereal. This is a big one. Not only can you alienate your relatives, but you can also make your jealous (the one you've been fucking) and maybe even get a little three-way action out of the deal. But you want to be tasteful. Have your hooker dress in something conservative, like one of those dresses that laces up the sides so you can see she's wearing no thong underneath. Make sure the dress is black. Leather is a good choice, but vinyl is also acceptable. Have your hooker burst into tears on cue. Make sure she's got cleavage showing so all the guys can stare at her heaving breasts, and get in trouble with their wives for leering. When the service is over, pay her extra to flirt with the father or brother or son of the deceased. You want this to be a memorable occasion, something to look back on with pride when you're watching your funereal-night sex tape some time in the near future, probably at a homeless shelter. 18. RECOGNIZE YOUR HIGHER POWER - This actually loops back to the drug thing, but I thought I'd throw it in anyway. It's important to accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and keep a can for spare change, in case you run out of cash to buy your drugs. Plus, the Bible makes a good substitute for TP. 19. GET A LIFE COACH - Life coaches can be quite expensive. Why not recruit a friend or neighbor for a life coach? Or better yet, support a homeless person by making them your life coach. The homeless are very wise. They know where the best dumpsters are located. They know which bleeding-heart liberals to accost outside the courthouse - (basically, the entire public defenders office.) They know how to stretch a dollar - unless they can't find a twelve ounce Mickey's Bigmouth, in which case they know how to stretch a dollar eighty-nine. A good percentage of the homeless are mentally incompetent, which makes them all the more qualified to advise you in matters crucial to your well-being. Will you find a life coach who is also a sociopath, or a disenfranchised war vet suffering from PTSD? You would hope so. You need balance in your life. What better way to find balance than to get some coo-coo yahoo guiding your every decision? As a last resort, if you can't find a suitable life coach, just get a life couch instead. Then, in order to achieve balance in your life, balance a beer on your belly while watching Doctor Phil. 20. DANCE NAKED IN THE RAIN - Preferably in a public place. You want to get on the local news. You want to be charged with lewd and lavishes conduct. (Say that fast, three times in a row.) You want to be a sex offender, with a permanent brown stain on your record, so you can never get a decent job. You want everyone in the neighborhood to know you're a pervert. You want them to key your car, egg your windows, and maybe even kick your ass in the alley. 21. BECOME A PORN ADDICT - I'm not talking about surfing the net. That's too easy. I'm talking about contributing to content providers like this very website. Write offensive, lame-ass disgusting porn, but post it under your real name. Send in pictures of you and your SO in unflattering sex positions. Or better yet, post video of her trying to get you hard when you haven't had time to recover from your last orgasm. This makes you look like a real girlie-man, a man that would make Arnold Schwarzenegger proud (to kick your ass.) When your SO finally does get you hard, hang upside down so you can cum on your own face for a change. (Hey, don't knock it if you haven't tried it.) Embrace the porn community - your true soulmates. Nurture your relationships with other porn fans by frequenting the forums here at LIT. Start flame wars in threads about puppies and grandmothers. Be a know-it-all, both here at LIT and everywhere you go. It all comes down to your ability to be an asshole. If you were a CEO at a big corporation, being an asshole would be expected, even demanded of you, and the rewards would be staggering. However, since you're not the CEO of a big corporation, your only reward for being an asshole will be the knowledge that you're well on your way down the long and winding path to a ruined life. When you get there, look me up. I'll buy you a beer.