7 comments/ 38902 views/ 12 favorites How to Cyber: Step 01 By: goddessinjapan Well, I already wrote about how to I stumbled into the wonderful world of cybersex...for those out there who want the benefit of my trial-and-error learning, I offer the following, for what it's worth! I've included a few personal anecdotes, but everyone's identity has been disguised. First things first- How do you meet someone? If you're female looking for a male partner, finding someone couldn't be easier...just make up a sexy and descriptive username and register on Literotica discussion boards...even if you don't post much, you'll probably find lots of charming invitations in your inbox soon. (Personal anecdote- "I want to [fill in the blank] you, email me" is not the kind of charming invitation that is likely to get you an eager response, believe it or not) I would imagine that the guys also get a certain amount of this...and they also seem to be pretty proactive about reading the boards and stories and sending private messages to say hi and see if they get a nibble. My best advice...don't think about meeting someone...think of meeting someone compatible! If you aim low, you might wish you hadn't bothered! Bad cyber can be just as bad, and nearly as awkward, as bad real-life sex! (Personal anecdote- Having to limp through an encounter with a grammatically-challenged horny selfish demanding guy with an extremely limited vocabulary is enough to make anyone swear off cybersex for good...luckily, I am the stubborn type, and the next partner was a much better match) Cybersex has some benefits that real-life sex doesn't have. Geography is not a problem (except for those pesky time differences). Age (providing you are both LEGAL) doesn't matter...as long as you don't mind taking some time to learn about/ explain age-related cultural references. Physical, um, discrepecies can basically be ignored. Essentially, cybersex relationships offer a great chance to get past all of the outside trappings- age, culture, geography, finances, what-have-you, that keep us apart as people, and get to know someone you might never have had the opportunity to meet in real life. (Personal anecdote- and YES, you can become great real-life friends!! Let other people look at you weird because you look like you have nothing in common! Nope, he's not my student or my son...he's not even my Net BF anymore...he's graduated to being my FRIEND (withOUT benefits...LOL). When we met in person, it felt a bit strange at first, but once we started talking we laughed our BUTTS off...nice to find someone so compatible in spite of those silly outward differences...hi, Baby!) The ONE best way to make sure that you have a positive experience with cybersex is to meet someone compatible from the start. That's easier said than done...most of us have to kiss a few (nice, sincere, but just NOT compatible) frogs along the way. Nothing wrong with that, but if you want to keep your frog ratio low, here are a few hints- 1) To up your odds of meeting a great match first time out, DON'T wait 'til you've had half a bottle of Chardonnay and need it bad to start looking. You CAN meet someone nice that way...after all, they are probably just feeling lonely and out there looking just like you...but there are probably better ways. If you DO manage to stumble into a meeting that is not what you had in mind, be kind!! Remember, it may be virtual sex, but the people and their feelings are REAL. 2) just like dating, look for somewhere that has a sexy atmosphere and nice people, rather than a cyber meatmarket. Literotica personals are great, or the discussion board, or the chatroom. If you have other recommendations, post and let folks know. 3) try to make a connection on a human level. If you read a story you love, write and compliment the author (no, that's not a hint, guys...my dance card is filled! You will get a polite thank-you, though), or if someone posts something that you relate to, send them a private message to say hi. 4) suss out the other person as much as possible BEFORE you contact them. Find out what they've written about themselves in their profile. Read their other posts. Read their stories. A little mystery can be nice, too, so don't write off people who haven't posted much info about themselves...some folks are shy. 5) don't be pushy!!! This is one of the worst ways to lose a nice potential partner. You don't know the other person's circumstances...but almost everyone on Earth has heard something creepy about online relationships. Respect their privacy, and if they don't reply to your messages, don't take it personally, and don't get hurt or upset...take the high road, and ride off into the sunset (to the Land of Mixed Metaphors!). (Personal anecdote- I had a guy I thought I could trust THREATEN me!!! I IMMEDIATELY asked him to explain what the HELL he thought he was doing and why he would say such a thing to someone who had only shown him kindness. When he tried to make light of it, I broke it off with him. Be VERY careful about giving out personal information, and at the first HINT of creepiness, NAIL them on it...If they can't explain, buh-BYE!) 6) Let the other person keep control. In the case of online chat, that means to let your partner add you on Messenger without asking them to let you add them...unless they ask, or until after you know one another better. That way, they can block you unilaterally if they choose. 7) So, you've got yourself a potential cyberpartner...now what? Just like early dates, early chats are your chance to build a nice foundation for future hot times...and, if you are lucky, for a sweet, spicy, hot, healing relationship that will be great for both of you. Don't be pushy...be flirty and take things easy at first. At the same time, try not to ignore your partner's signals...if they are coming on too strong for you, say so, in a light, humorous way at first, but don't get pushed into anything that feels bad for you. If they drop a flirty hint, don't ignore it...respond in some way. Chatting, then chatting about sexy topics with a bit of flirting, and eventually letting nature take its course, and before you know it, you'll be having full-blown cybersex! If you guys skip all the steps and jump one another's virtual bones, don't get all freaked out! Never be afraid to email the next day and say "wow! should we go back and tell each other our names?" 8) Remember that the feelings involved can be 100% real...If you find yourself falling head over heels, remember that at least part of what you are falling for is your IMAGE of your partner. The better you get to know them, the more you will figure out that they are no more perfect than you are. Again, be kind. It's very nice to learn that it's possible to have a hot, bouncy, happy, healing sexual connection with a fellow flawed human being...heck, that knowledge might even carry over into your real life relationships. For more of my thoughts on cybersex, especially ethical, emotional and technological issues, see my story, "How to Break All the Cybersex Rules" Comments are VERY welcome! If you have a comment that might be helpful to other readers, please consider posting your comment publicly (anonymous is fine). How to Cyber: Step 02 Hi, again, everyone! I'm planning a series on the nitty-gritty of cybersex...the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to take the time to properly gather the good examples (didn't your teachers tell you that research could be fun?), so in the meantime, let's start with the BAD. I don't want to put anyone off, so if you get icked out, PLEASE hang around and read the good examples when I get around to writing some up. I've dredged around in the unemptied trash folder of my mind, but all of the below examples are purely fictional, and any resemblance to real-life bad cybersex is coincidental. Rule number one of bad cyber- when it's bad, it's AWFUL. Let's read on and cringe together. Bad Cyber- example #1- Her: HI! Him: HI! How are you Her: Fine!! How about you? Him: How big R your tits? Her: Wow, you don't waste any time, do you? B-cup. Him: Is your pussy wet? Her: Not just yet, but wait... Him: I have an 11 in thich cock Her: That's kind of overkill for me...I'm not that big a girl. Him: I fuck you now durty bitch you luv my big cokc Her: Sounds like you need to slow down Him: U have a cam I look at your you cum Her: No, I don't...um, could you slow down a bit? Him: Fuck you hard like you like it durty bich Her: No, I'm getting turned off. Him: U frijid or somethin what matter with u Her: Sorry, not for me. Goodbye, and best wishes! Him: WTF? Notes: Let's just analyze this little interaction for a minute...can we see anything that might be missing? That's right! Our fictional cyberstud forgot the foreplay!! He also forgot the spelling, the punctuation, the tact, the subtlety, and the fact that his female partner is NOT being paid to service him. Lesson to be learned- try not to leap into chat with someone you can't talk to...and if you do, feel free to leap RIGHT back out...then pull out the Formula 409 and the squeegee and try to wash that experience right out of your mind. Now that we've seen one obvious bad example, let's look at something a bit more subtle. Bad Cyber- Example #2- Her: HI! Him: Hi...how are you? Her: Doing fine...nice to have you here to talk. Him: Oh, I am very happy to be here. How's the weather there? Her: It's nice...a little windy. How about at your place? Him: Nice and sunny here. Her: I have the day off...how about you? Him: Me, too. Her: Wow, guess sometimes things just work out well. Can I sit a little closer? Him: I loved your story...it was so true. Her: Thank you...I'll give you a kiss for saying so. Him: What do you do? Her: I'm a systems analyst. How about you? Him: Sorry!! I kiss you back and put my hand on your soft breast. Him: I'm a CPA. Her: Mmmm... Him: I always have Tuesdays off because we're really busy on weekends. Her: That's tough...do you like working on weekends? Him: I'm getting excited by your smell. Him: It's ok, I don't mind it...I'm used to it now. Sometimes I feel like it's too much to take. Her: My smell? Working weekends? Maybe we need to start over. Notes: What went wrong here? This is what we call a "leading problem"...just like dancing, with cyber, ideally you work together smoothly as a team, and in order to achieve that, it has to be clear who is going to lead (setting the tone and pace) and who is going to follow. In the above example, things got confused because instant messaging isn't instant! Remember that there will be a time lag, and if your cyberpartner has a different connection speed, this can be quite noticeable. In order to avoid mixed messages as in the above example, try taking turns until the rhythm is clear, and at the first sign of miscommunication or talking past one another SLOW down and wait for your partner's cue. Leading problems are easy to fix if you don't panic. They are even easier to prevent...start slow. It seems to be an unwritten rule of cyber that "what are you wearing now?" is a good way to start things out...probably because the resulting discussion and explanation helps to establish the lead before things get all nude...and by the way, "wanna cyber?" is one of those cliched phrases that everyone has heard but which no one seems to use that much...it is not that it CAN'T be used effectively, but it is better used with a touch of humor, especially in a first encounter. Now let's move to the more sensitive side of things- needs and preferences. Bad Cyber- Example #3- Her: Hi! Him: Hi, there!! Thanks for inviting me...I loved your story. Her: Thanks! It is great to hear that. I thought your note was really charming. Him: Was your story true? Her: Parts of it were, but it was arranged a bit. Him: Wow! That's amazing. Do you look anything like the heroine? Her: Not really...I'm 5'2" with green eyes and red hair...I made her tall and dark because that's what I wish I looked like...I hope you're not disappointed. Him: Not at all...you sound cute! Her: Thanks...that's so sweet! Him: Was that your real house in the story? Her: Yes, I suppose it was. Him: I really liked the rug. Red shag carpet turns me on. Her: LOL...yes, we have plenty of that...the former owners must have gotten it on special. Him: Have you ever made love on the red shag carpet? Her: Hmmm...it never really crossed my mind...but I guess it IS shag carpet, after all, so maybe that's what it's there for...LOL. Him: Do you have any remnants left? Her: No...I don't think so. Him: I chop a chunk out of the carpet and rub it on my body. Her: Oh. Him: It's so hot! Mmm...the feeling is so wonderful. Her: Do you want to sit next to me? I'll give you a kiss. Him: I take my pants off and rub that red shag all over my hairy thighs...ooh, baby, that feels nice...can you see me getting excited? Her: Yes...would you like to sit next to me on the couch? Him: On the floor, roll around on the carpet, that's it...I want to see it rub against you, baby, while I stroke myself with this piece of RED SHAGGGG...oooh! Her: Keep the carpet. It's all yours. Notes: We all have likes and dislikes, but if yours are not widely shared in real life, perhaps they won't be widely shared in the virtual world, either. Try to sort this out beforehand if at all possible...and don't forget that cybersex should be a mutual, sharing experience, especially in early encounters...don't focus on your own desires and alienate your partner, or you may soon find yourself alone with nothing but your needs for company. Hope I gave you at least a few ideas about what to avoid...honestly, the good really DOES outweigh the bad. I'll get into that later, I promise! For a general introduction to cybersex, see my essay "How to Break All the Cybersex Rules", and for tips on meeting someone compatible, please read "How to Cyber, Step 01". Thanks for reading, and please feel free to post about your own experiences, good, bad, and goodness knows what in between (disquising any personal details, of course). Happy cyber, everyone! How to Cyber: Step 03 Hi, again, everyone...well, up to now I have been writing from a woman's point of view, but I know that there are plenty of tasty guys out there just itching to try for a little cyberfun, but unsure of how to make that all-important first impression. After all, you can't win those hearts and minds without a foot in the door, right? To help out the men who are wondering how to get from, "Hello, how are you?" to "YESSS! YESSS! Give it to me!! More...now! AWEOAUUOIUAF!" (nothing like making a literate woman lose the ability to type, right?), I prevailed upon a knowledgeable gentleman to share some thoughts. My interview starts below. GiJ: Well, kind sir, my main agenda is getting you to give away your secrets... Even on Lit, men apparently outnumber women, and focusing on the hetero couplings for the moment, I thought maybe dropping a few hints would help the men tilt the odds a bit more in their favor. OK, to start with, my readers probably want a brief overview of your cyber credentials, so to speak...without getting too personal (ha!), can you give a brief overview of your level of experience? W2: About my experience: it's been about five years since my first online encounters...I discovered this wonderful world when I posted my first story on Lit, a pretty amateuristic bondage fantasy, which nevertheless got me quite a lot of feedback from female readers... before you know it, I was up to my head into hot, sizzling cyberchat... PMs, emails, later instant messaging... GiJ: How about chatrooms? Aren't those supposed to be a great pick up spot? W2: I occasionally visit a chatroom but I find people are usually very rude there... it takes ages to become one of the crowd¡­ but it's always a great thrill if you can seduce one of the members into a private encounter... GiJ: How long do your cyber romances usually last?...And is it true that guys always prefer the more technologically-advanced forms of online involvement, such as webcams or voice messaging? W2: I have had romances that lasted for a year or so, others for just one hour. I have done a little camming and phone sex but in general I prefer the online typing thing. IM is very handy...instant gratification - but I have also had intense, sizzling romances that consisted of just one or two emails daily. ­ It's all relative, I guess... GiJ: You inveterate man-slut, you!! Interesting that, contrary to the image that any red-blooded guy would be constantly pushing for more visual/ aural stimulation in the form of webcam or phone contact, you say that you prefer good-old-fashioned typing. Who says literacy is dead? By the way, are we talking girls only here? W2: I am about 99% hetero so girls are my main focus (when I talk about girls I don't necessarily mean they have to be young... I like'm in all colours and shapes and actually I prefer the riper ones ; ) In my rare bi moments I have tried some M/M encounters and they all sucked... really, in the realm of cybersex women are WAY ahead of us guys. ... most guys have no idea what to type... after all, cyber sex is all about imagination and I believe girls are generally better hung in that department... GiJ: It is extremely nice to know that women have the upper hand in cyber society...not just in terms of the m/f ratio, but also because we are imaginative, hot, relational creatures (not to say the guys aren't, of course!). I MUST put in a good word for the men here...there is NO shortage of imagination, and if a woman were to find a guy lacking in that department, she could choose between a bit of gentle re-education if there seemed to be a nice connection otherwise, or, if it seemed like more trouble than it might be worth, consider moving on to the next lucky prospect. I've always thought that one of the benefits of cybersex is the chance to get up close and personal with people that you might not run across in daily life...in the online world, there is space for all kinds of matchups. Just because someone's ex told them they were too skinny, or they are over the half-century mark, or they live in North Bumfuck, Minnesota doesn't mean a thing in the world of cybersex....I sincerely believe that everyone has multiple potential cybersoulmates, or at least multiple potential hot n' heavy one-session stands, just waiting to be discovered. One never knows...a onetime hookup could lead to something long-term and mutually satisfying. A great benefit of cybersex is that it's the safest sex around...if you keep things safely anonymous, the biggest physical danger is a slightly-elevated risk of carpal tunnel syndrome...just don't let your heart overrule your head when it comes to issues of online privacy, ok? If anything, it's even EASIER to fall head-over-heels for a cyber-lover, but just like real-life, safety first, y'all! End of warning, on to the most important part...How to help these nice folks to meet one another...that brings me to my next question! W2: Happy to help if I can. GiJ: Describe, if you would, the overall theory of how to find a dripping hot cybersex partner...the quick-n-dirty version, from the guys' point of view, plus maybe a bit of speculation about that age-old question, "what do women want?" W2: How to find a hot cyber partner? My best advice is: FLIRT! It's almost like in the real world, isn't it? When you walk up to a pretty girl in a bar it's probably not a good idea to tell her in your opening sentence how old you are, where you live, what colour your eyes are and what your fucking boring hobbies are. Or, on the other side of the spectrum, that you want to stick your rockhard 9-inch cock in her wide-open dripping pussy and make her cum till she begs you to stop. Save that for later. Think of a flirtatious opening line that's a little more clever and funny than the other 1200 messages that her PM Box gets to digest daily. And make sure that your opening line invites a response. Make her curious, trigger her fantasy. Take your time to seduce her. GiJ: Well, that sounds like a strategy that would not only work in the cyber world, but which could have real-life benefits as well!! As many women can attest, there is nothing quite as charming as a skilled flirt...even as we wonder how much practice he has had to gain those skills, it's really, really hard not to feel flattered when the skilled flirty guy turns his laserlike focus on YOU. There's just something about the give-and-take of flirtation that brings out the best in people...flirting requires a bit of vulnerability, which is always extremely charming, but it also involves a bit of showing off...guys are just so CUTE when they are trying hard!! Now of course, just as different people have different ideas of what "sex" might entail, different people probably have different ideas on how to flirt. You've given us some general idea, but when it comes to getting women online, can you tell us more about the specifics, the how-to? What should guys be focusing on in those early messages? How best to get a response? W2: How? Well, in my view all girls have two sides: They want to be treated like a lady. And they want to be treated like a slut. Its always a mix of those two, though it depends on the girl in question which desire is stronger...and that determines the right approach... a girl with a profile that, under hobbies, says SEX SEX SEX and a picture of her nipples on her AV, might need a more slutty approach than a frequenter of the Poetry Feedback & Discussion Board... she's a slut as well, but you have to get to the lady first to get it out of her... So, that's what I do when I have found a new victim whose profile sounds appealing... I flirt.... I compliment her and I tease her... I treat her like a lady or I treat her like a slut... usually a bit of both... I turn up the heat gradually ... I use lots of sexual innuendo. I try not to miss my mark when she offers an opening.... cause after all, it's the girl who decides if there's gonna be any fucking tonite... she has it, and I want it... GiJ: Yup, hear that guys? I wonder if the Poetry Feedback and Discussion Board is going to be swamped after this!! At any rate, I think that it's very true that women are women...we are multifaceted creatures, just like you guys. Appeal to us on more than one level, and you are halfway to hot, steamy cyber right there!! I wonder if the use of the word "victim" is strictly accurate...after all...the wanting goes TWO ways. Women do have the upper hand, of course, just like in real-life encounters, but it seems that many times, the only thing standing in the way of a mutually satisfying hookup is figuring out the right approach. I think that one important point for the guys to notice is the very-nearly-asshole-ish level of confidence in the above description of how to make a first impression. Faint heart never won fair lady, and all that. In my opinion, early emails are NOT the time to display your squishy marshmallow heart for her consideration...it's early days, there will be time for that later!! Confidence is a turn-on...you have to believe that you are worth the girl's trouble if you expect a positive response. Confidence is part of what will bring her guard down enough to respond to your approach. On the other hand, arrogance is not good...she will no doubt figure out that, if you are THAT in love with yourself, you have no need for any of her help in getting off. It's a fine line...cross it at your peril! OK, so we talked first impressions, flirting, approach, but let's not lose sight of the goal of all of this, which is of course, the fun part: hot, sticky,so-real-you-feel-it-in-your-bones cybersex!! I've said it before, and I'll say it again...cyber sounds like a pretty lame concept, unless, or rather...until...you realize that it feels...real. Then you start to see the possibilities, the endless, endless possibilities. Good cybersex can lead to post-mortem comments such as: "I felt like you were right there next to me"; "that was better than some real-life orgasms"; or "OMFG, that was incredible!" Yup, yup, yup, all the fun of sex, with no pesky bodies to get in the way. Since those who have not experienced great cyber are unlikely to think it could really be THAT good, can we give a few hints on how to do the nasty? Any thoughts? W2: In my view, a great cyber session has to be very explicit and graphic...like in the real world, cyber is a game of the six senses... by lack of the real thing, I want to know what it looks like when we got it going on, I want to smell her, taste her, feel her and hear her moan and beg... it's all about talking dirty... and then there is the sixth sense, the one that makes you feel what's going on at the other side of the screen... the chemistry... oh yes, its possible to sense what the other feels, even a thousand miles away... its about letting go, losing control, go with the flow, let your lust guide you... bring the beast out, let your instincts take over... the moment that coherent typing seems impossible and words are replaced by letters... AAAAAHW.... EEHWHWG, OMG omg OMG... when those combination appear on the screen, it means you're in the right direction, that you are hitting the spot... That's what I want, and in my experience its what the girl wants as well... she wants a beast to be released on her... she wants to be taken by your words... she wants you to get seriously out of control... so that is what I do... I let go... I let the sexual predator in me take over... it works... before you know it, your keyboard is sticky... GiJ: Umm, thanks, hon...excuse me, I have to go attend to my...keyboard. Special thanks to my favorite collaborator, the lovely and talented Wolf2002!!