6 comments/ 39692 views/ 7 favorites How To Meet People Online By: EmeliaBell Although young, I have to admit that I have met quite a large number of people online. Most of them are friends, but a couple turned into something a little more intimate and I've been dating one of them for nearly two years now – next month we're moving in together! Now this is not a guide for anyone who's already met people from the internet. I doubt I have anything stunningly new to point out to someone who's already a seasoned cyber-chatter, but for the beginner who's only just discovered the wonderful world of online communities and friendships this should give you an idea of some of the places there are, how you can get chatting, how and when to develop the relationship and meeting up in person. Firstly let's have a look at the various ways of meeting people. 1- The online forum. This is a good way to start off and you've already found a website where you can start off, as Literotica has an excellent forum where you can chat with others about writing and all things erotic. The basic idea of a forum is a community based on a common hobby, belief or interest. Whatever you're into, there's probably a forum out there for you. This is one of the main benefits of a forum – you've already got one thing in common with everyone on there. What a great place to start. Secondly there's the fact that it's very flexible and totally anonymous. You generally have to register with the site, but you can create an online alter-ego and there's no need for a photograph or any identifying element. Forums work by having a series of topics (ie- on a cookery site, appetisers, starters, main courses etc) and each of these contains individual conversations or 'threads' started by one of the members (ie- 'anyone know how long to cook a whole chicken?') Other members can then reply to this thread with their ideas and opinions and there's no time constraint on replying – no-one will get cross if you don't reply immediately. Forums offer you a chance to talk to a huge number of people about a huge number of things with no pressure. If you want to talk more to someone then you can send them a private message. 2- The mailing list This has a similar community feel as a forum, but instead of you going to the website to talk, the talk comes to you. Again mailing lists are based on a common hobby etc, and different topics are divided up by having different e-mail topics. There are various places where you can sign up for a mailing list, yahoo has one of the most popular (www.yahoogroups.com) with a huge variety of categories. Once you are signed up you will start getting e-mails from the list, for instance if the list you signed up to was called rockmusicuk then that's the sender who will appear in the list of e-mails. If you reply to this e-mail then that will be sent out to everybody on the list, including you. If you want to start a new topic, then instead of replying to previous e-mails, you simply send a new e-mail to the list's e-mail address. With me so far? The downside of this is that your e-mail address will be displayed to those on the list, but if you want to retain your anonymity for the time-being, just set up a new account with a free e-mail server, like hotmail or googlemail. 3- Dating or Friendship Websites Right, now we come to the crux of the matter. I've met people through both the other methods, but this is where the mice are divided from the men. Many of these websites charge you a small amount in order to join, but there are several very good free ones which I'd recommend for a beginner. I've been using such sites for seven years and I still only use the free ones, so don't dismiss them as a long-term solution. Right, now the hows, whys and wherefores. Dating sites rely on each member creating an individual profile and then browsing other profiles to find someone they want to talk to. This has several obvious up and down –sides. The ups first. Obviously you've tailored your profile so it gives a much clearer picture of you and so has everyone else. This means that you're basing any friendship (or more) on a larger number of things than just the one hobby in common. There's also the distinct bonus that everyone on there is actively looking to meet new friends or lovers. Downsides These are fairly obvious. Your anonymity is compromised somewhat. I'll get to the specifics of creating a good profile later, but most of them will include at least one picture and that means you can be recognised. Be aware of this. Sod's law (aka Murphy's law) dictates that there's a distinct possibility someone you know will happen across your profile and then you'll be busted. Are you prepared to be outed? Another downside – you will get messages from freaks and weirdos and foreigners wanting to marry you to get residence in your country. Delete and ignore. Creating a Profile Do include a photograph. You may get some messages, but seriously, with a photograph you will probably increase interest by about 10 times. Rules for photographs. a) think carefully about what you are looking for. If all you want is sex then a naked/erotic/underwear photograph is obviously the most appropriate. If you want a friend, include photos of you doing the things you love – dancing, skiing, whatever. If you want a partner/lover then include photos of you doing things you love, but also some showing you how you are in downtime – relaxing with a book or by the sea, cuddling a dog, whatever you think is appealing really. b) Don't include any identifying information. Check carefully for streetnames if it's taken near your home, addressed envelopes, car registration plates, university name/logo, workplace or full name. c) Do include more than one picture. This gives a much clearer picture of how you look. It's all very well including flattering photos, but do you really want to meet someone in person and have them go 'Ugh!'? Be honest right from the start and you won't get hurt by rejection later. Rules for personal information. a) If you use your real name, make sure it's first name only. b) Be reasonably general about your location. Give the name of the nearest large town, for example, rather than the tiny place of about 2,000 inhabitants where you really live. c) Be very specific about what you DO and DON'T want. If smoking is a no-no then say so right now. If you're only looking for friends, make it clear and if you're bisexual and only want to meet one gender, then let them know. d) Do not lie or be vague about important stuff. This includes: children, drugs, smoking, drinking, religion, current marital status, weight and, for some, dietary requirements (such as allergies or veganism). This is not a definitive list, but use your common sense – is there something about you that you or other people feel strongly about? Mention it. e) Most profiles include a section for some personal notes where you can write a bit about yourself that might not be included in the set questions. This is your chance to make a mark and display your sense of humour and personality. Do be original, do be funny and try to avoid any contentious statements. Here might also be the place to list any specific requirements you have, such as a man who likes cats or a girl who is educated to at least degree level. f) Personal description: follow the above rules. Be honest. If you're a size 16 then say so – then at least only people who like bigger girls will contact you. Sending a private message The initial message is pretty important. Like the personal statement section, this is your chance to display your personality and make an impression. Keep it light, mention something they said which amused or interested you. Make it clear why you messaged them – did you just want to chat, are you bored, are you looking for a friend or a lover or did you want to talk dirty? Don't sound too desperate, don't be too 'wacky', it'll just freak them out if they don't know you and keep it short. Here's an example of the kind of thing that should elicit a response... Hey! Just saw your profile and was really interested to see that you liked Douglas Adams – that guy is a genius! Anyways, I'm just hanging around, insomnia is a killer, message me back if you want to chat. So long and thanks for all the fish Vermilion If you follow all this then hopefully you should meet some people you have things in common with and be able to bulk out your instant messenger list a bit! Of course, now you've met someone it's not the end; there's still a lot of work to do before you become proper friends and especially before you meet them in person, but that's a story for another day. Watch this space... How To Meet People Online Ch. 02 Ok. So now you've found someone you like online. They're cute – going by the picture at any rate and, like Goldilocks' spoon, they're not too big and not too small. You have exchanged a couple of fun, flirty messages and they seem to understand your sense of humour and appreciate it and you. Now what? Now for the run up to the big RL...That is: meeting up in Real Life. Don't be scared, you don't jump straight from the flirty messages to a stranger in a bar, there's an in between bit which, if you follow correctly, could save you a lot of hassle. First things first... the Instant Message. Instant Messaging This is a clever little programme that allows you to have a typed conversation with someone in real time, ie- they see the text as soon as you type it and vice versa. This allows for a much more free-flowing conversation and gives you a chance to get to know them a little better. Now, much as I hate to do this, because it makes me sound like I'm being sponsored by some of the companies and because it recommends at least two major, industry dominating companies, I am going to give you a brief run down of Instant messaging programmes I am familiar with starting with the one I have to admit I use the most. MSN. That's right Ladies and Gentlemen. I am a Microsoft whore. Anyways... MSN Messenger – a nifty programme beloved of most teenagers and young adults, hence why I use it – because most of my friends do. That's the thing with Instant Messaging – it only works if the person on the other end has the same programme as you. MSN is speedy, reasonably reliable, allows you to check hotmail accounts easily and has a wide range of emoticons. It also allows you to use webcam and voice protocol, but that's another paragraph. If you want to try downloading MSN messenger (or any of the following programmes) then just search for it on Google. AOL – This one is probably the most popular with Americans as the majority of them have an aol e-mail account and this is what's required to use the IM programme. You can get it if you don't use aol, but unless it's changed drastically in the last year there are other programmes with better capability. Its main draw is the number of other people (Americans anyway) who use it. Skype - Actually designed as a Voice to Voice Protocol (in English: a way of talking to other people online using voices instead of text) you can also use this as a text chat programme and web cam in the same way as msn. However most people use Skype for voice chat, so be aware this might be expected of you. Google Chat - This is a new chat programme attached to gmail or google mail, the mail programme attached to Google the search engine – it's like the search engine had babies. This is a very basic messaging programme, but it's a pretty good way of initiating chat with someone – only catch is you both have to have a google e-mail address. There are other programmes available, such as Yahoo instant messenger, but the main thing to bear in mind is: what does the person I want to talk to use? If that all seems as clear as mud, fear not... I am about to make a recommendation. Go with Skype. You can use it for text chat, then move it on to voice to voice, just like a phone call and then use web cam. MSN is a good alternative. All I can tell you about is my own personal preferences and those are what I use. Right. Now you've got them on IM (instant messenger) it's time to have a chat. The best thing to do is instigate a little game of 'Twenty Questions.' You each take a turn to ask a question, then answer each other's question and your own. The questions can be as dull or as intimate as you like, though obviously the intimate ones break the ice faster – but choose the questions based on the type of relationship you would like to develop. There's a fine line between 'flirt' and 'cyber-whore.' That line is usually somewhere around the difference between asking the length and asking for a picture... if you get my drift? Once you've fired out a list of questions you can generally figure out if this is someone you'd like to talk to again and if the answer is 'yes,' it might be time to move it onto voice stuff... The thing about voice to voice is that you can get a clearer idea of their personality. There's no time to sit back and compose witty answers or edit what they've typed – you get the un-edited version. If you decide to do this, then you have a couple of options. If you're going to give out an actual phone number, then I would always recommend a mobile (or cell) phone, because it's much harder to pinpoint location and you have the option of barring their number – at least you do on my contract. The safest option, but something only feasible if you have a fast connection, is a Voice to Voice, like Skype. It should be untraceable and it's very easy to block people. Ok, so you've been talking to someone for a while. You get on really well, they have this sexy voice and once or twice you've even had a late night conversation. Then one of you suggests meeting up in real life – are you ready? This is a question only you can answer. The long and short of it is that no matter how careful you've been, or how long you've spoken to someone online or on the phone, you cannot be certain that they're not a raving nutjob. But wait – there is one last option to try that might rule out pretenders and weirdos. The webcam. It is possible for people to get hold of photographs of someone more attractive, or even to use incredibly flattering photographs of themselves that bear very little relation to the real thing. If looks are important to you (and hell – if this is going to be a sexual relationship then they probably are) then see if you can get a little web-cam action going. Try it, you might like it. You get to see the other person as they chat to you, so you know they are who they say they are and you also get to see them in motion and at various angles. Must mention first, though, that this isn't always reliable. You remember I said I was moving in soon with someone I met on the net? From their photos and on web cam I thought they were hideous. Ok, not hideous, but not my type. I turned up to meet him all prepared to be friends and was bowled over by good looks and sex appeal. I'm just saying – it can work both ways...! Because of the fact that nutjobs can sometimes escape the traps you set (and let's face it, if they've got this far they're probably a more intelligent – and therefore dangerous – breed of nutter than the ones you weeded out already) I urge you to exercise all possible caution should you decide to meet up in person. I am now going to be very boring and list the precautions you should take, even though you've probably heard them all already, but pay attention. 1- Meet in a public, well-lit place 2- Make sure someone you trust knows you're going to be there and why. If you can, get them to come with and sit, discreetly, somewhere nearby. 3- If they don't accompany you, set up phone checks – either they phone you every half hour, or you phone them and if you miss a call, they ring the police immediately. 4- Just be sensible. Don't let your date buy you a drink unless you're with them and able to watch. Don't leave your drink unattended. Don't go home with them the first night and don't let them drive you anywhere. Just basic 'don't talk to strangers' cautiousness. 5- Expect the worst, or at least – don't expect too much. Always better to get a nice surprise because you under-estimated than be badly disappointed. Last, but not least, enjoy yourself. There's a whole world of people out there who you may never meet except through the internet. There are no more psychopaths online than there are in the real world, they just get more publicity, so stay safe, but have fun. Coming soon... The girl's 'How To' on putting on a good webcam display...