17 comments/ 61961 views/ 31 favorites Threesome Guide for Couples Pt. 01 By: roomfor1more Introduction Many of have seen porno movies of threesomes. Some of us have used them as a catalyst to start the conversation with our significant other, others have used them as a bridge to start a threesome, and others wonder how to make it happen in reality. Others of us may find pornos a bit too humorous to watch with the bad acting and bad scripts, instead the idea of having a threesome has come about from "pillow talk" during foreplay. Whatever the source for considering the idea, this series will be a guide on having a threesome and it will cover most aspects that a couple will encounter including some misperceptions. It will cover the main points such as terminology, fantasy versus reality, communication, boundaries, choosing the third, friend versus stranger, safety, two male versus two female threesome, variations of threesomes, and when a threesome is right for a couple. Finally it should be noted that is information is an opinion that may or may not work for couples. Scope The perspective that I will be using will be that of a committed couple exploring the idea of having a threesome. While my writings may at times seem not to advocate the idea, I tend to present a balanced approach, in order for anyone considering the idea to appreciate what the decision may entail. The type of threesome that I will exploring is the general threesome that does not involve an open relationship. My reason for choosing the perspective is that I do feel for a couple that is in a committed relationship they have the most to loose if threesome goes wrong and I feel that there is allot of misinformation out there. As a writer I do accept that some couples can discuss the idea once and have a perfectly enjoyable threesome. However I do feel such a situation is fraught with risks and may pose potential problems later for the couple. Therefore my perspective is one that I hope With that said the information presented hopefully will help couples, along with helping single males to understand the process for couples, helping single females, and hopefully help some more experienced couples too. Chapter 1 -- The Beginning This chapter will look at the first step, which is considering the idea and how to approach the subject with your significant other. This chapter will be divided into two parts. First part will discuss introspection, the process of examining the idea and the second part will examine how to bring up the idea. Introspection It goes without saying that having a threesome or even discussing a threesome will forever change a relationship. Reaching the decision to have a threesome must be a decision that each person makes freely without undue influence and both must be in agreement to what will happen in the threesome. The process needed to reach the decision of having a threesome is a journey that begins with the first step of introspection. Before even having the first discussion it is important to broadly understand what are asking your partner to undertake and what you will, potentially, be exposing yourself. By proposing a threesome to your significant other you are in essence asking them to consider either having sex with someone else while you watch or having them watch while you have sex with someone. In the event you are asking your significant other to have sex with someone else it is important that you begin to understand that nothing can fully prepare yourself for watching your partner having sex with someone else. For many couples, the suggestion borders on the idea of acceptable cheating and can bring about a plethora of emotional responses. Therefore, it is important to do some introspection before even starting the conversation. Probably the best starting point is beginning to understand that there is a difference between fantasy of having a threesome, like in a porno movie, and the stark realities of having a threesome because there is a vast difference. In a fantasy you can be the producer, director, writer, actor / actress, cameraperson, and stage crew. This means you have complete artistic control of the scene and complete control of the outcome. Whereas, in reality you are one person is a three person arrangement that has, no control over the other two and the only control you have is how you choose to react to events that are occurring. Once you can grasp that how you see the threesome happening in your mind's eye is not going to the how it happens then you are reads to begin to run through what a threesome might look like and how it might turn out. Trying to figure out what type of threesome that might work for you as a couple and what it might entail takes some work. Reality is there are two strands that need to be considered. One strand is trying to do some research. This is not always easy because the subject is relatively taboo and not much is written about it. The literature out there tends to toss a wide blanket over the subject that includes swinging, group sex, and open relationships. Moreover this means you will need to read allot and disseminate the information that is applicable to your situation. Second strand it running through in your mind's eye an examination of the subject from 360° perspective. Areas you probably would want to consider are potential boundaries, risks, your partner's reaction to the idea, who do you want to invite, type of person to be invited, issues, concerns, safety (personal and sexual), structure of the threesome, and where to find them. In addition you need to consider areas like what if... happens and if it did happen how would it be addressed? Essentially you are running through different scenarios and coming up with contingency plans for them. After you have done some initial research, given the idea some consideration, and still feel it is an idea worth pursing then the next step is starting the initial discussion. First Discussion As a couple you may have watched porno movies with threesomes or role played the idea with great results in the bedroom. You may have included a few people that you know as a way to enhance the experience or the idea has something that is never discussed. Regardless of what role the fantasy of having a threesome may play the one thing that is still missing is a discussion outside of the bedroom regarding this idea. This section will examine this aspect. Introducing the idea is never easy and it is unpredictable. Allot of where future discussions go depends to some extent on this discussion and your knowledge of your partner's reaction to discussions that can become involved. Many people who consider bringing up the idea believe seek a magical formula that can convince their partner to have a threesome but the reality is the only way to reach the point of having a threesome is through communicating with each other. Furthermore, even if the first discussion is successful it still means there is more discussing that needs to occur and it is therefore important to see this as a journey, not a sprint to have a threesome. The only way to have this discussion is by being direct and forthright. Using euphemisms, being passive, speaking indirectly, speaking about the idea during the "heat of passion" in the bedroom or bringing up the subject by using sock puppets acting out the proposed idea can only lead to misunderstandings later. It is only by speaking honestly, respecting each other's feelings, speaking about the subject outside of the bedroom, and listening to what each other says will lead to this issue getting some direction. At this point I could go through some suggestions on how to bring up the idea but my feeling is that it would distract form the discussion and I feel there a numerous ways an individual could lead into the discussion and much of it depends on your knowledge of your partner. This now leads to the question how do you bring up the subject? Bringing up the subject does not mean you have to be brutally direct about it nor does it mean you need blurt out the subject while spending time together. Instead it means being prepared, using what you have learned during your introspection, and using what you know about your partner to time the discussion. This means there is a bit of timing in the subject and it should happen when the two of you can discuss the subject rationally. Moreover it means that you have work through how you will bring it up and you have worked out, to some extent, the type of reaction you expect from your partner. Your planning and your partner's reaction will dictate your next step. Should your partner not be receptive, at this stage to the idea, then I would recommend taking time to build up the relationship so that they feel secure and then reproach the subject in no earlier than 12 months time. It maybe your partner is not receptive to idea or it may mean they need time to process the information. Giving time to process the information and being willing to answer any questions that they may bring up will help to move the process forward. In addition because of the unpredictable nature of having the discussion it means being restrained, patient, not rushing it and understanding may help more than trying to be confrontation about it. However if your partner seems receptive to the idea your first reaction should not be finding threesome and swinger's sites to join. Instead it means talking about it some more and it may mean that as couple you may have to come back to it at a later time when you do not have distractions. Once the two of you reach agreement about discussing the idea further then you are ready for the next step which is the next chapter. Threesome Guide for Couples Pt. 02 Threesome Guide for Couples Pt. 03 Threesome Guide for Couples Pt. 04 Chapter 4 -- Safety Introduction Up to now the topics regarding threesomes had looked at having a threesome in a sequential process from talking about the idea through looking for the third person. Along the way this author uses the analogy of a journey to describe the threesome process. Safety, when looking at a threesome as a journey, occurs when you are looking at your map of your threesome and then deciding the best route to get to your destination safely. Considering safety does not mean taking the fun out of having a threesome; instead it means creating an environment where everyone feels they are able to enjoy themselves because they do not have to worry, so much, about potential injury to their well-being. This means safety is an intangible aspect of having a threesome that underpins much of the process and requires consideration of many intrinsic factors. Without planning for safety it may mean an essential part of having a threesome is being overlooked and may put the couple's relationship at risk. Finally this section will look at safety from a personal, sexual, and emotional perspectives. It is important to remember this is not an exhaustive treaty on the subject and it is done as a brief overview in order to give couples a foundation for further discussions as they plan their threesome. Sexual Safety: This is the easiest point to start the discussion since it is a topic people are familiar with at some level. Sexual safety means more than practicing safe-sex, it means avoiding unnecessary risks that can damage your sexual health. It means looking at the details of what is being planned and ensuring that what is being planned will not have an impact on anyone's health at a later date. Examples include properly cleaning "toys" before using them, not going bareback with someone, not using lubricants that can breakdown a condom, informing your partner if you believe you have been exposed to a STI, allowing a chance to bathe, and changing condoms when switching between anal and vaginal penetration. Essentially sexual safety means respecting everyone enough that extra measures are considered and communicating additional information so that sexual health is not put at risk. Personal Safety: Personal safety and emotional safety has some overlap. Since there is some overlap this section will focus more on the physical aspects of personal safety and to some extent address the issue of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person. It is impossible to speak about every possible risk to personal safety that might theoretically arise in a threesome situation and this section will take a broad brush stroke over the topic. Overview Stating point regarding personal safety is our "inner voice." All of us has an "inner voice" that tells us if something is not right. If we choose to listen to it or not is an entirely different situation. However in a threesome situation if it does not feel right, if you feel there is something not right about the situation, or the situation make you feel uncomfortable then it is best not to ignore that "inner voice." Most likely your "inner voice" is warning you about a potential injury to your well-being. Another point regarding personal safety is not to put yourself in a situation where your safety becomes at risk. There are some who feel to "get in the mood" they need to drink or use drugs. There is nothing wrong with a social drink in order to get the conversation flowing and to relax everyone. However the issue becomes when having more than a social drink or using drugs can lead to fuelling emotions such as, when are watching your partner having sex with someone else in front of you and such activities makes it more likely that the individual will participate in risky behavior that they would not normally do when sober. Undertaking risky behavior can result in boundaries being broken, unnecessary exposure to STDs / STIs, and in some cases risk of pregnancy. It is therefore better to be in control of the situation and to make appropriate decisions then to make a decision based on the "heat of the moment"only to regret it later. Final point, which ties in to the next part of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person, is examining the planned threesome from a personal safety perspective. It means examining the planned threesome and then trying to identify where potential safety issues may exist. From there then determining the likelihood of it happening, and asking if it did happen why would be impact of the outcome? Purpose of this exercise, essentially is to make sure what is being planned addresses the issues of safety. Meeting the Third Person Meeting the third person covers a very broad spectrum from placing an ad on the internet to physically meeting them. While it is impossible to cover every conceivable situation a few general principles do apply. First principle is creating an alias. An alias is essential because it helps to protect your identity from family, friends, employers, if you have children in the home it will protect them, and anyone else that you may come in contact with. It goes without saying, there is nothing wrong with having a threesome but if someone does know your identity then it could have some consequences for you, especially if you have a job where you are dealing with the public. In order to protect yourself, your family and your job creating an alias becomes a part of planing for safety. The question now becomes what is an alias? An alias sanitizes your key information so that is not easily traced to you. This means when creating an alias, you remove any information that can personally identify you and restate it in such a way that protects you. So if you are John (age 42) & Jane (age 38) residing in Northbrook, Illinois then your alias may become Mark (age 40) and Sarah (age 35) in Chicago. As a part of this process any pictures you might use would not have pictures of your children, other family members, or anything that would identify you. Instead they might be either neck down pictures or pictures showing you from a distance, so that facial features become less distinct while still showing a generalized body shape. Remember your alias will be the first thing people who read your ad on the internet, you contact, or meet will know about you. Therefore it becomes important that your alias is something that is manageable and easy for you to remember. If not, it may make developing trust more difficult thereby loosing potential third persons. After the initial contact with the third person and there seems to be an interest in meeting to see if things develop to allow a threesome to happen the question becomes how to handle it? There is no right way to handle it but my feeling is for someone starting out the first meeting should be a "meet & greet" in a public place. This means the first meeting no sex occurs and the purpose of the meeting is find out if the person is compatible with the two of you. Before meeting them it may be worth your time to bring a cellular phone for an emergency, let someone know that as a couple you are going out that night, and consider other safety measures. Then after the meeting having the time to talk to each other about it and then determine if that person is someone you want to have a threesome with. Final question is how far do you take the alias? Personally my recommendation would be taking it far enough that any person you come in contact with regarding a threesome cannot identify where you work, do not know where you live if you have children, and they do not know your contact information. This may mean getting a pay-as-you-go cellular / mobile phone or buying a separate cellular / mobile phone for this activity. By getting a mobile / cellular phone dedicated to this activity it keeps your own phone number hidden and it also allow you to know anyone who is contacting you their call somehow relates to a threesome. Likewise establishing a dedicated email address for this activity will help to protect you from SPAM emails and it makes it easier to manage. Thirdly this means not taking the third person to your house if you have children around and if you do bring them making sure any sensitive information (e.g. bank, credit card information, and family photos) is secured. Fourthly avoid giving any career information that might identify your employer or may damage your reputation. Finally an alias may sound as though you are lying or intentionally being deceptive. This author feels as long as you are honest to questions being asked, that does not relate to your identity, and your present yourself in a truthful manner then creating an alias for protecting your protection is justifiable. Emotional Safety: Emotional safety essentially means ensuring that you maintain the same positive perspective of having a threesome, from beginning to well after the threesome occurs, and immediately addressing any issues that interferes with that perspective. This means, this author feels, that each person participating in the threesome needs to have the proper positive perspective. Having a positive perspective does not necessary mean being 100% enthused about the idea 100% of the time. Instead it means viewing having a threesome as something positive and enjoyable in which each person has decided to participate. Without viewing a threesome as a choice and a decision to participate in it freely leaves allot of room for feeling bad about it. So how do you achieve a balance to view the threesome positively as a choice? This author believes that being assertive as a large role in it. Being assertive means making your needs known in a manner that is not confrontation and as long as it is not a need that needs to be met in order to have the threesome (e.g. safe-sex practices), then try to find a way to reach a compromise. Without being assertive to make you needs known and to protect those needs that you feel are absolutely necessary to have a threesome. Conclusion This chapter briefly touched on the issue of safety from a sexual, personal, and emotional perspective. However due to the breadth of this subject it was not possible to cover all aspects of it and the purpose of this section was to introduce the idea as some something that needs to be considered when planning a threesome. If there were four points from this section to remember they would be, first do not discount any feeling of uneasiness because it could be a warning that something is not right. Second it is important to be assertive, to deal with issues as they come up, and not to give up on your core feelings in order to please someone else so that a threesome can happen. Third creating an alias can help in protecting yourself, your career, and family from the possible negative consequences of having a threesome. Finally it is important to review the planned threesome, from time to time, in order to ensure issues of safety are being addressed and that as a couple you are not putting your safety at unnecessary risk. By considering and planning for your safety in a threesome situation it will go along way to ensure that your threesome is enjoyable. Threesome Guide for Couples Pt. 05 Chapter 5 -- Risk Introduction: From the moment we wake up in the morning, to the time we go work, and even when we sleep we face uncountable number of risks. If we took the time to plan for every conceivable risk and then thought about how we could mitigate them we would spend our lives preparing for events that may never happen. Through our learning experiences we have developed mechanisms that allow us to filter out inconceivable risks in order for us to lead productive lives while still being aware of possible risks. This process exists for threesomes but instead of using the autopilot to sort through the risks in daily life, it becomes necessary to sort through them on a more detailed level. This chapter will briefly look at the issue of risk by examining a hypothetical situation and then showing how examining the threesome for risks works. Risk -- defined Risk can be simply thought of as the chance that an event will occur that will results in some damage being done. Essentially risk is the one element that makes each threesome unique from similar threesomes that other couples may have and it is the one thing that prevents providing generic advice almost impossible since it requires knowing about the couple. For planning a threesome the couple also needs to consider the impact of that the risk would have on their safety and relationship. Along with considering the expected damage to be done the couple also needs to consider the likelihood, chance, that the expected event will occur. Risk -- applied Hypothetically let us assume John & Jane have been married for 10 years and Jane has suggested to John that she would like to have a threesome with a formed boyfriend. There are several risk issues here and for the sake of the discussion only a few of the risks will be examined for this discussion: Threesome Guide for Couples Pt. 06 Threesome Guide for Couples Pt. 07 Threesome Guide for Couples Pt. 08 Introduction Whilst defining the different types of threesomes is arbitrary and there is more than one way to define the variations, nonetheless defining types of threesomes is important. Defining the different types of threesomes is important when considering a threesome. It is important understanding the terminology because it helps in ensuring everyone has the same understanding and it makes communicating easier. A part of my hope in writing this couples who are considering threesomes will use this as a guide in determining what type of threesome might be suited for them. Another reason for writing this piece, in my first piece "Threesome Guide for Couples Pt. 01," I stated I would cover terminology and this a part of the piece on terminology. Therefore, I would not necessary expect this to be read like a story and instead I would expect it to be used as a reference. Third, this article assumes that any form of threesome is done with their partner's knowledge, their partner's consent, and as a couple they have boundaries in place to address the challenges that having a threesome may bring. Fourth, I do not mention friend with benefit due to the fact, I see friend with benefit fitting under the heading of a secondary open relationship, which may not always involve other people and though I see it sharing characteristics with a threesome nonetheless the discussion avoids this topic in order to keep the discussion simple. Finally, in this article, I will do a basic overview but before beginning my discussion, I do need to define the term monogamy since it is integral to the topic of threesomes. Monogamy Definition Defining monogamy is important because it will help a couple define how far they are willing to go with having a threesome and it will help the reader understand how the threesomes differ in their practices. Plus, it will make it easier for the rest of this article if there is a common definition of monogamy. Essentially monogamy can be broken down into two parts, physical and emotional. Physical monogamy is what most couples think of when they hear the word monogamy essentially means sexual contact is exclusive to the couple. This means the couple does not have sexual contact with people outside of their relationship. Whereas neglecting emotional monogamy from the discussion regarding monogamy is common but it is essential for understanding threesomes. Emotional monogamy means the couple maintains an exclusive emotional bond that they do not share with anyone else and if they have a threesome the type of activity they seek out is an activity that focuses on the physical aspect of sex. This means the couple will work at keeping themselves emotionally detached from the invited third person and work at maintaining that bond. At this point if you are a bit confused, do not worry as it will become more apparent as you further read. Traditional Threesome Non-penetrative Threesomes Role Playing Role-playing by definition is acting out a scene that involves a third person joining the couple for sex and the defining characteristic of role-playing is the idea of having a threesome remains a fantasy. Even though it remains a fantasy, it does not mean the couple cannot incorporate some realistic. It mean for a couple that wants to test their level of comfort with the idea may go as far as going into public where one member of the couple interacts with someone in public and then discuss their level of comfort after it happens in order to determine what their next step may be. Such a test may give a couple a general idea of how they would feel seeing their partner becoming intimate with someone else, in their presence, but it is not an absolute indicator. In comparison some couples may take a more conservative approach by designing their scene in the bedroom and using toys as a way of simulating the third person. Is monogamy possible in Soft-swinging? Definition of soft-swinging has many variations. Some definitions are very restrictive that does not involve activity beyond a voyeur for the invited third person and some definitions are quite liberal that will include oral sex. At least for me, regardless of the definition the key element of soft swinging is no penetration with the invited person occurs. This could mean in a two women threesome the women are allowed to perform oral on each other but it becomes questionable if some form of penetration occurs. Also it means in a two woman threesome that there is no sex occurring between the male and the invited woman and likewise in a two male threesome the invited male does not have sex with either member of the couple. Therefore it can be said that both physical and emotional monogamy is possible in this type of threesome. Penetration Full-swap Characteristics Regardless of the form, the threesome takes there are two features that define it. First characteristic is this type of threesome is short-term. Short-term means from an one-off situation to a threesome with the same group for a period of no more than two years but in most cases the threesome ends much sooner than that. This means that the couple and the invited third person maintain a boundary that keeps the couple from incorporating the third person into the couple's relationship and allows the couple to maintain an emotional distance from third person. By keeping an emotional distance, it allows the couple to maintain their emotional monogamy and enjoy the physical aspects that the threesome provides them. It also means the attraction by couple does not need to be a complete physically, emotionally, and intellectually attraction to the third person. Their attraction only needs to be to the level where the decision about having sex with the third person and this means they will have a greater choice of people to choose from since for this type of a threesome the attraction does not need to be complete. Because of the incomplete attraction, developing friendships that goes beyond the threesome does not normally happen and means the decision time about having a threesome with that person is shorter. Typically, the relationship will end because the threesome with the third person is no longer useful, it was a one-off situation, or feelings were developing thereby causing the threesome to end. Essentially this means, for lack of a better word, the third person becomes a tool for the couple to enhance their pleasure. Second characteristic is that both members of the couple are equally involved in the threesome. This does not mean that each individual in the couple has equal time in the threesome. Instead it means both members of the couple are involved in the threesome and the responsibilities of having the threesome are shared. Traditional threesome This is the very traditional threesome whereby sex will occur between the invited person and the couple. However the couple still remains emotionally monogamous to each other. There is a full spectrum of activity that occurs here. It can mean one member of the couple takes on a voyeur role, watching, to full participation. It could also mean that one member of the couple leaves the room while their partner and the invited third person has sex. Cuckold Grouping cuckold under traditional threesomes instead of open relationships because a cuckold I feel a cuckold has more in common with the traditional threesome than an open relationship. A cuckold takes, takes one of two forms. One form is a part of BDSM play that involves humiliation, typically female domination and involves an open relationship, which the one who is being cuckold remains monogamous. For me this is out of the scope of this piece and I will not discuss here. Second form resembles more of the traditional type of threesome or an open relationship. Under the more traditional threesome, the cuckold occurs as either a one-off or very limited time meeting. This type of threesome occurs as a shared experience whereby one member of the couple goes off to have sex with someone else and then shares the experience with their partner. Poly / Ménage de Trios Typically the term manage de trio is interchangeably used with threesomes. Nonetheless, a ménage de trio is a specific type of threesome. It is situation where all are in the relationship and all are equals in the relationship. This means that a ménage de trios relationship is unlike a traditional threesome in the sense that a relationship is formed with the third person. Also a ménage de trio relationship is unlike an open relationship because there is not a distinction between primary and secondary relationships. Essentially this means the third person, in theory has an equal say in the relationship but from a practical standpoint in order for this type of relationship to survive, this author feels there has to be some type of hierarchical order. Hierarchical order generally means invited third is a more submissive thereby understanding their role in the relationship and not being a threat to the other member of the same gender. Open Relationship One of the confusions regarding threesomes, I believe, is equating threesomes with open relationships. My feeling they share similar characteristics and there is some overlap. However, I do feel there is a distinction between threesomes and open relationships. Open relationship is unique in the sense that it allows the formation of multiple relationships with various levels of emotional involvement with each partner. This means that they can be one night stand, short-term relationships, or a relationship that is ongoing that lasts for years. For an open relationship to exist it does not mean both partners have to form another relationship outside of their relationship. Instead, it could mean that one partner forms a relationship with someone outside of their relationship and the other person remains physically monogamous. The defining feature of an open relationship that separates it from ménage de trios is the formation of primary and secondary relationships. Primary relationship is arguably the couple's relationship that takes priority over any relationship formed outside of the relationship, secondary relationship. This means unlike a poly / ménage de trios relationship there is less involvement of other half of the couple and a lot of the activity may be done without much knowledge. It also means another defining feature of an open relationship versus ménage de trios is the focus on individual involvement and knowledge versus couple. It does not mean that the couple maintains the relationship for appearances sake and they are two individuals living together. Instead, it means, based on the boundaries established regarding this activity, the information regarding their partner's activity is much more limited and other factors such as allegiance to their lover can factor more heavily in deciding what information to share. Essentially an open relationship can mean knowing less detail about what is occurring but it means more work by the couple to keep their relationship together.