7 comments/ 62755 views/ 11 favorites How to Have an Affair By: Timkitten This book is dedicated to Mary, Joan, Sally, Elaine, Daisy, Jane A., Angela, Kim, Nina, Ann, Jadwiga, Stella, Kate, Dianna, Sarah, Susan, Leah, Jane P. and the others. INTRODUCTION: According to a recent report, more than fifty percent of adults in England take part in one or more affairs while already in a steady relationship. What is classified as an affair? An affair normally involves three people; two who are in a permanent relationship, and a third party. One of the three usually doesn't know anything about it. Sometimes one partner knows that the other is having affairs, and either turns a blind eye to it or, very occasionally, actively encourages it. Some men and some women have multiple affairs, but those are the sort of people who will not benefit from the advice in this book, although they may be able to contribute new material for How to Successfully Have An Affair - Vol 2. Affairs can become very complicated when both the people involved in the affair have partners. Suddenly the risks of being found out are more than doubled. The risks still exist after the affair has finished as retribution or revenge can rear its ugly head months or even years later. Many people who have affairs get caught. The idea of this book is to help those who embark on affairs not to get caught. If you are caught, the consequences can be disastrous, and sometimes even lethal. The Fatal Attraction scenario does exist, and if you do get found out you will be very lucky to survive the fall-out unscathed. This book should be seen as an honest survival guide, rather like published information on the use of illegal drugs. The author doesn't recommend that you should embark on an affair, but if you are going to anyway, then it is best to take some sensible precautions. The research for this book consisted of placing advertisements in newspapers and magazines. The advertisement requested information from people who had had an affair, or who were currently involved in an affair. Hundreds of stories were received, and many of them have been included in this book. Some people were willing to give direct recorded interviews, and the best of these are also included in this book. All the names and places have been changed to protect the guilty. CHAPTER 1: WHY? Affairs can be divided into two main categories. A relationship that involves sex, and surprisingly, one that doesn't. Many men and women in established relationships have secret liaisons with members of the opposite gender, but without sex. Is this really an affair? Well, although sex doesn't take place, the consequences of being found out will probably be the same. There are many documented accounts of one partner finding out that their partner was seeing someone else, in a non-sexual relationship. The "affair" was purely platonic. They were just going out to dinner or to the theatre together. They even went away for the odd weekend (booking separate hotel rooms). The repercussions were the same as if they were sleeping together. It's perhaps renowned as the biggest known lie - "We didn't do anything." Oh yes... who's going to believe that? You might as well have gone the whole way. The sexual affair is far more common. But why do people who are settled in steady relationships go out looking for more? It could be that there has to be a lot of compromise between two persons living together. In an affair there are not the same restrictions. But if the affair ends up with the couple living together, then once again compromises have to be worked out, and the same old problems might resurface. Couples feel secure with their lot, and they don't want to lose everything, (financial security, steady comfortable relationship, home, pets, children etc.) unless they are absolutely sure that the new relationship will work out. It's rather like test driving a new car, you are not obliged to lose your old one until you have made your mind up. Another reason for an affair is boredom. When two people live in a settled relationship for a period of time, life becomes very predictable. Couples leave notes reminding each other that the rubbish should be put out for the refuse collectors. The sex drive diminishes very quickly once a couple start living together. And with the high pressure lifestyles of today, sex becomes something more like a duty which is only performed when both partners are not too tired. " Something for the weekend, sir?" An affair reawakens the sexual drive. It increases the sexual drive so much that an indication that your partner is having an affair is when your partner wants sex more often. It's all a matter of wanting excitement. When couples first start to court each other, they both spend a lot of time and effort on the preparation of their appearance. They will make sure that they are freshly showered, hair washed, and will think carefully about which clothes to wear. This preening can take a couple of hours every day. But when this couple start living together, it all changes. The frequency of bathing diminishes, and any old clothes will do. LISA: I've seen so many of my friends enter in a relationship which has ended soon after they start living together. After a few months, both feel that they no longer have to make an effort, and you see them out together in old paint splattered jeans, and a T-shirt. I feel that when they see someone who still dresses very smartly, they find this person very attractive, and an affair ensues. You should always make sure that you make a continual effort to keep clean, and dress smartly for your partner, if you don't want to lose them. In a normal relationship where both partners are no longer making an effort with their appearance, you should be suspicious if your partner suddenly reverts to their previous ways, and you find them bathing more regularly, and dressing with more thought before they go out. This could be an indication that they are having an affair. Having an affair boosts self esteem, and spices up a boring life. It makes you feel more of a man or more of a woman. It's a great feeling to know that you are loved by one person. It feels twice as good to know that you are loved by two or more people. Sometimes the sexual relationship between partners comes to a complete halt. But it is unusual for both partners to loose their sex drive simultaneously. That leaves one person with a very active sexual need. An affair can result as the sexually active partner searches for sexual satisfaction. The affair is based totally on sexual need. LUKE: My wife and me got married when we were eighteen, and we decided to have children early, so we could enjoy being with them while we were still young. After a few years my wife lost all interest in sex. We still loved each other and were best friends. I went elsewhere to satisfy my sexual needs. I had a few inconsequential affairs, and then I met a woman who I fell head over heels in love with. The sex was brilliant, and she was a very warm-hearted and kind woman. I had to make a decision on whether to leave my wife for her. But when it came to the crunch, I couldn't leave my best friend - my wife. So I finished the affair because although there was no sex between my wife and me, I still wanted to stay with her. Sometimes an affair is accepted by both partners, as a necessary evil, just to allow one partner to satisfy their sexual urges. NANCY: After Steve and I got married, I found that I couldn't stand having sex. I was a virgin until my wedding night. I find the whole sexual act utterly repulsive. This obviously caused some pretty major arguments between Steve and me. Steve eventually persuaded me to go and see the doctor. It was so embarrassing, but the doctor acted as though he heard this same story every day and he referred us to a sex therapist. After two years of therapy I gave up, nothing could change my mind. I realised that I would lose Steve unless his needs were satisfied, so we made an agreement. Steve could go and have as many affairs as he wanted, as long as he never told me about them, and as long as he always came back to me. We have been very happily married for twenty years now, and I presume that he has had affairs, but he has never told me about them. When a partner is fed up with their normal relationship, and wants to finish it, this can often be the catalyst for an affair. They don't want to simply break the normal relationship as, through experience, the aftermath is always problematic and depressing. It's easier to finish one relationship if you have a new partner to help you through it. This applies particularly to men, who need to know that there will be someone to cook, wash and clean for them. Home comforts are hard to relinquish. Opportunities for affairs are greater now than they have ever been, with both people in a relationship working and meeting new people outside their social circle. Having an affair used to be almost expected of men, but now more women seem to be embarking on affairs. Sexual images are ever present in today's society, on television, in films, in magazines and in advertising. It is hardly surprising that people think about sex as much as they do. CHAPTER 2: WHO? Most affairs take place between people whom their partners already know. It could be a neighbour, or someone in your social circle. Many people have affairs with colleagues at work. Quite often the affair is with your partner's best friend. This type of affair is fraught with guilt and anguish, as if you are ever found out, your partner feels twice the hurt. Not only have you been unfaithful to your partner and destroyed their trust, but so has their best friend. As Bernard's experiences illustrate, it can become rather complicated, and rather nasty if your affair is with a friend's partner, once the cat is out of the bag. BERNARD: Although I was married, I was having an affair with Sarah, who was my best friend Bob's girlfriend. I feel guilty about it now, but at the time I saw it as a kind of challenge. Bob, Sarah and I used to meet up two or three nights a week in the local pub. Sarah and me were very generous and wouldn't let Bob buy any drinks. Each time we got a round, we made sure that Bob had an extra vodka in his pint, and often kindly bought him a double whisky chaser. After a couple of hours, the obvious happened, Bob would be reduced to a drunken wreck and would stagger off home. Sarah and I would then go to her flat, secure in the knowledge that Bob would be fast asleep in a drunken stupor at his parent's house. We carried on like this for a couple of months, and although Bob once caught us kissing, he forgave us and put it down to us having too much to drink. I wasn't very happy about the situation and the guilt nagged away more and more. I didn't feel guilty about being unfaithful to my wife, I felt guilty every time I met Bob. I didn't want to leave my wife for Sarah, but I pushed Sarah to break up with Bob, to salve my own guilt. One afternoon Bob turned up at my house very distressed. He had received a letter from Sarah in that morning's post. Sarah had written to tell Bob that she no longer wanted to have a relationship with him. Bob was devastated, and as I was his best friend he needed me to console him. My wife made a pot of tea for us both, and did her best to cheer him up. My wife took me aside and suggested that I should take him out for a few drinks. So I did. I spent a very depressing evening listening to Bob telling me how much he loved Sarah, and how he couldn't live without her. He eventually became drunk enough for me to take him home, after which I of course went round to see Sarah at her flat. About a week later, Bob was drinking with an ex-friend of mine who held a grudge against me. My 'friend' decided that it was in everyone's best interest to tell Bob about my affair with Sarah. The result was that a very drunk Bob turned up at Sarah's flat while I was there, and a rather nasty scene then ensued. The upshot of it all was that Sarah suggested that I should leave, and I did. Bob and Sarah got back together, and four months later they were married. Needless to say, I wasn't invited to the wedding. Bob then embarked on a (possibly justified) hate campaign against me for three years. This involved constant telephone calls at my home and at work, car tyres being slashed and eventually the complete vandalisation of my car. This is what can happen if you have an affair with your best friend's partner. Generally it is better to have an affair with someone that your partner does not know, and is never likely to meet. So this means avoiding affairs with people who are in your social group, or who are neighbours. Having an affair with a work colleague can be very traumatic. It doesn't take long for everyone else in the workplace to find out. You are also storing up some very big problems when the relationship finishes, especially if you work together in the same department, and either you or your affair partner has a supervisory position. You can imagine the consequences. It is important to try and avoid at all costs having an affair with the boss's secretary, unless you are planning to leave your employment in the near future. Never get involved in a family affair, as it is the most dangerous. An affair with a brother's wife or girlfriend, or a sister's husband or boyfriend, will lead to so much trouble, that it could even be lethal. If you want to live, then affairs with your mother's second husband, or your father's second wife should be avoided. Keeping it in the family is definitely out. Having an affair with someone who has children can cause all sorts of problems. CAROLINE: I had been seeing Robert whenever I could. He was married and so he had to make excuses to his wife to enable us to get some time together. I had my three kids from a previous disastrous marriage, and was now bringing them up by myself. Robert and I really loved each other, and after a while he left his wife and came to live with us. Although Robert was a kind and gentle man, he had never had any kids of his own, and he couldn't handle the mess, the noise, and the disruption which is caused by three young over-active boys. When we split up he told me that if I hadn't had the kids, then it would have been perfect. I don't hold that against him, it's never easy for someone to bring up someone else's kid, let alone three. Children can also be responsible for revealing an affair, as Janis to her horror discovered. JANIS: My husband was away on business most of every week. My next door neighbour, Douglas, was a writer for those supermarket type magazines. He worked from home and he lived by himself. It was a very hot summer and Douglas started writing in the back garden on fine days. We used to chat over the fence. He was a good-looking bloke and I quite fancied him. After I had got Daniel, my twelve year old son, off to school, I would change into my bikini and lie out in the garden sunbathing. I had fallen asleep when I was awakened by a hand on my thigh. I opened my eyes and just pulled Douglas down on top of me then and there. We went up to his bedroom and made love. As luck would have it Douglas just happened to be the best lover I'd ever had. The affair became an everyday occurrence when my husband was away. I felt so good, full of zest, I wanted to shout from the rooftops, I wanted to tell the whole world. But of course I couldn't. I had to write my feelings down somehow, but I dared not keep an ordinary diary that someone might find. I decided that it would be safe to write it down on our computer. You could hide a file so it wouldn't show on the directory, and you could secure the file further by giving it a personal secret code, without which it would be impossible to access. As the affair with Douglas continued I wrote everything down, and in graphic detail. I even allowed my very secret erotic fantasies to be included. When I couldn't see Douglas, I consoled myself by reading over and over again our previous experiences together. One day as I was packing my son's school bag with his PE kit I found some pages that he had printed from the computer. It was all there, the complete story of my affair with Douglas, and there were three copies. I removed them from his bag and wondered what on earth I could do. Daniel went off to school and I knew that sometime later he would discover that the printouts were missing. I also knew that I would have to tackle him when he got home. I went over to see Douglas and told him what had happened. He was mortified. He suggested that I tell Daniel that none of it was actually true, that I had made all up. Anyway, there was no actual physical proof, he said unconvincingly. I went home and erased the complete diary off the computer. When Daniel came home I decided to tell him the lie. He didn't seem all that bothered, but he was annoyed that I'd removed the three copies that morning, he was selling them to his school friends at a pound a time! The affair finished that day, and soon after Douglas moved away. Daniel never said anything to his Dad, I don't know why. In Daniel's end of term report his form teacher had written, "Daniel has worked very hard this term and has showed much initiative. He seems to have a great aptitude for working with computers and should be actively encouraged in this area." Mmmm... yes... I thought. Be careful in your choice, and look outside your usual life patterns. Join a sports club, or a local theatre group, or sign up for some evening classes; things that you can do without having your usual partner around you all the time. Men and women are always taking enormous risks while indulging in an affair. Your ideal affair partner can sometimes be found, and if you do find one the chances of being caught are minimised. Ideally the ultimate affair partner should be a look-alike of your normal partner. The same length and colour hair is very important for two reasons. First, it negates any embarrassing questions of stray hairs found on your clothes, in the car, or even in your bed. Second, if you are noticed at a distance, or passing in a car, your affair partner could be presumed to be your normal partner. If your affair partner has the same first name as your normal partner, that's always a help, but life isn't normally that easy. It can cause all sorts of problems if you call the wrong person the wrong name. This usually happens when you are off guard; when you are making love, or just waking up, or drifting off to sleep. The best way to deal with this is to give your affair partner a pet name. Kitten, Tiger, Teddy Bear, Bunny are well used pet names. Then if you were to inadvertently call your usual partner by a pet name, it wouldn't matter. Better still, attach the same name to all your partners, and for ever after. This will avoid a lot of confusion, and that terrible sinking feeling when you realise you've called your partner the wrong name. PAUL: I use the pet name Fluffy for my wife, and she calls me Fluffy as well. With every woman that I've had an affair with - and there have been a few - I've called them all Fluffy, which they seem to like. But I wouldn't let them call me by a pet name. I was terrified that they might meet my wife and me at a party and call me Fluffy in front of her. One of my affairs came to an end because of the pet name. My wife confided to a neighbour that in bed I always called her Fluffy. The next time I went around to see the neighbour, she slapped me around the face and called me a bastard, so that was the end of that relationship. So a perfect affair partner should look and act like your usual partner, and if possible have the same name. Now, there's a challenge. CHAPTER 3: HOW? How to Have an Affair Personal advertisement columns can be found in most magazines and national and local newspapers. Magazines like Private Eye accept adverts from people who are looking for affair partners. The wording is always quite explicit. Respondents are made aware that the advertiser is looking for a discreet affair, and if either happens to be in a steady relationship, or married, no problem. This is a safer way to carry on an affair as you are not trying to hide the relationship from the people within your normal social circle. Both of you are also aware of the rules from the start. Computers can be used in various ways to advertise your wants. Hidden messages can be left on your intended target's monitor, and messages can be passed to each other through computer office mail systems. Now with the advent of e-mail, one can communicate with anyone, anywhere and any time as long as they are also connected to the internet. Currently in America, a husband is suing his wife for a divorce on the grounds of adultery. He claims that his wife had an affair over the internet. She never met the person that she was communicating with. If you wish to have an affair with someone that you know, you have to find a way to make your intentions known to that person. But it has to be done very carefully, and in such a way that your invitation can be declined without losing a friendship. One method that can be used is to find a go-between, and tell them about the person that you are interested in. You are hoping that they may drop a hint to your intended affair target. This can, of course, have the opposite effect, as Samantha was to find out. SAMANTHA: I moved into a new area. A few doors further down from our house lived this wonderful man, who I fancied like hell. The problem was that he was married and so was I. We met a few times at parties, and I kept trying to think of ways of making an approach. I decided to drop some heavy hints to another neighbour, hoping that she would be able to find out if he was interested. It turned out that she was a close friend of this man's wife, and she told the wife that I fancied her husband. I was rapidly frozen out of the social scene. Fortunately, we had to move soon afterwards. Various techniques can be employed to see if there is a spark. This is known as testing the water. It's all about giving subtle hints. You normally meet your potential affair partner in a social situation like a party. One should employ a cat and mouse technique, but make full use of body language. First you must use reverse psychology and show that you are not interested at all. The cat and mouse technique is very easy to master. In a social situation like a party you can get away with much more than you could, say, at work. Approach the person that you are interested in with a huge smile and make sure that you give the impression that you are brimming with confidence. Direct eye contact is very important. If it is possible, take a physically submissive position. If your intended target is sitting on a chair, then you should sit on the floor or crouch down by their feet. You will be considered as non threatening, which is exactly the feeling you are wishing to give to your intended target. For a limited amount of time, make your target feel that they are the most important person in the room. Don't talk about yourself, ask questions about them, and if they try to ask you direct questions, then steer the conversation back to them. After only five minutes, get up and talk to someone else, preferably another intended target. Yes, you are teasing. You are showing great interest in someone, and then trying to make them jealous as you talk to someone else. You are not trying to pull them that night, that's why this technique works. If your first target is interested, you will notice during the evening as you scan the room that you will keep making eye contact. But keep cool. As you are leaving at the end of the party, find an opportunity to touch. But only briefly, and preferably just a quick squeeze of the hand and a flash of eye contact. Sometimes it is better to leave the party quietly, and without letting your target know that you've gone. When you next meet this person, it is time to move to phase two. Again take the physically submissive position, but talk for a little longer, although not for too long. You will need to establish some definite common ground for a reason to see each other again. One well-worn path is to find some music that your target would like to hear, and offer to record it for them. This establishes possessional territory. In other words, once you have recorded a tape and dropped it off to your intended target, they are now in possession of something that will constantly remind them of you every time they play it. When you deliver the cassette, don't wait around. If you are invited in for coffee, refuse. Make some excuse, remember you are still playing hard to get. When you meet for the fourth time, you now have some good common ground to converse on. If the intended target says that they haven't had time to listen to the cassette, it's time to back down. They are obviously not that interested in you. If they were, just the thought that you had recorded the tape for them should have provided enough excitement for them to want to listen to it immediately, and as often as possible. The cat and mouse technique is a safe non-threatening way to discover whether your intended target wants to have an affair or not. By recording more tapes, or lending a book, you are constantly increasing the frequency of visits and slowly moving into a position where an affair could arise. When you are ready, be careful how you make your proposition. There is the classic story of a male singer called Jed, who suspected that Jill, a female singer in the same band as he, was interested in having an affair with him. Unfortunately Jed over-estimated her intelligence. JED: I needed to ask in such a way, that if the answer was in the negative, I would still be able to save face. After taking some advice from another band member, I 'phoned Jill, and suggested that she might like to come over to my house to practise some harmonies. When Jill arrived, I was freshly showered, and had my best aftershave on, and I was in my dressing gown. Jill went into the front room and discovered an open bottle of wine and lit candles on the main table. I announced that this was the way that I always practised, it set the right atmosphere, I said. After a couple of hours of working together on harmonies, I called a break, and made Jill some coffee. While we were drinking the coffee, I said to Jill, "I expect that you have heard the rumours." "No, what rumours?" asked Jill. "Well..." I said, "all the members of the band have been saying that the way you and I work together on stage, there is an obvious sexual chemistry, and they all presume that you and I are having an affair." I rushed on, "I know it's silly, but hypothetically speaking, would you have been interested?" The idea behind this approach is that if Jill was to say no, then this leaves me to laugh it off, as a silly band rumour, and I could remind Jill that I used the word "hypothetically," and to cover myself further I could say "I'm glad that you said no, because I wasn't interested either." If Jill was to say yes, then my next line would be, "Prove it!" However, in this instance it didn't quite work out. Jill didn't know what the word 'hypothetically' meant. The following day she informed the rest of the band that I'd told her that I wanted to have an affair with her. Worse was to come. Later she demanded to know which band members had been spreading untrue rumours about her and me. The band had been going for years, but this botched pass resulted in the break up of the band. You should be able to tell if an affair is on the books much more easily than Jed. You must look for all the obvious signals: the touching, the closeness, and the off the cuff remarks. It's important to keep up contact in many different ways at this point; send a personal message on a birthday card, make a surprise visit or arrange a surprise meeting, record another tape, or lend another book. Look for situations where you can be together, and alone. But again, just for a very short time. Remember you are still playing the cat and mouse game. Allow your intended affair partner to make the decision for you. Try to make it easy by always giving subtle hints. Talk about how much you like to go for walks in the countryside as the sun is setting. You are leaving room for a response such as, "Why don't we sometime?" Talk about other passions, cinema, opera, classical music, or even a rock band. Always be on the lookout for positive signals. But still don't rush. Gently decline the first invitation, giving some excuse why that particular date is not convenient, but suggest they 'phone with an alternative date. If you haven't heard from them over the next couple of days, telephone on some pretext and suggest another date. But be non-committal; don't forget that you are still playing hard to get. When you find yourself in the position of starting an affair, life takes on a dream-like quality, it feels unreal, and in the excitement of the first few weeks no one thinks about how it is all going to end. In fact you don't consider there will be an end. If possible, you should try and make some rules before the situation gets beyond control. The rules are for the starting point only, and can be changed later as the situation changes. You should make it obvious from the start that you are embarking on an affair, and nothing else. You are not prepared to leave your normal partner, and you don't expect the person that you are having an affair with to leave theirs. Of course, you can always change your mind. People are used to the way you smell. If your affair partner uses a different type of perfume, or aftershave, your normal partner will notice straight away. The odour lingers for days in a car, or on your clothes. This is easy to deal with. Ask your affair partner which is their favourite perfume/aftershave. Then tell them that it just happens to be your favourite as well. Go out and buy two bottles of the perfume/aftershave, and give one to your affair partner, and one to your normal partner. Your affair partner will wear it every time you meet, because you bought it for them. Problem solved. If you ever go for the very high risk strategy of having your affair partner in your own bed, always wash the sheets, duvet cover and pillow cases, because people can tell by smell alone if someone has been in their bed. This should also remove any trace of stray hairs, but to be doubly sure, vacuum the house as well. By vacuuming the whole house, you end up with two rather useful benefits. First, you feel rather pleased with yourself as you now have a lovely clean dust-free house. But more importantly, you are conducting an inch by inch search which should uncover any unwanted alien items such as earrings, cufflinks, buttons, handkerchiefs etc... A special warning here about contact lenses. If your affair partner wears contact lenses, they inevitably travel around with a small laboratory, which consists of bottles filled with chemicals, Bunsen burners and so on. So check the bathroom with a fine-tooth comb, and also check all the wastepaper bins. CHAPTER 4: WHERE? Where you meet, and how often, determines the risk of being discovered. You should not meet at each other's house, for example. By keeping to that rule you will avoid the spine-chilling sound of a key being inserted in a door, while you are lying in someone else's bed with someone else's partner. Never meet in local pubs or clubs; you will always meet someone you know, or someone who knows your partner. Always try to meet away from the area that you live in, and not in public places. Even when you meet far away from the area that you live, you can never be assured that life won't conspire in some way to trip you up. This story illustrates the point. JOHN: John was married and lived on a large council estate. He was having an affair with Janice, a married woman who lived in the same town, but on a different estate. John arranged to meet Janice in a small country pub thirty miles out of town for a romantic evening meal. It was very quiet in the restaurant, which suited John and Janice, and was one of the reasons that they decided to go there for a meal. At the end of the evening they both went back to their respective partners. The following evening John was questioned by Wendy, his wife, about the previous evenings activities, and John made the usual excuse of working late. What John didn't know was that a friend and neighbour of his wife - Joan - was also having an affair. Joan had been in the same restaurant the previous evening with her affair partner, and they were at the next table. Ironically, she was incensed that John was cheating on Wendy. So Joan told Wendy everything that she had seen and heard. This example goes to show that you are never really safe. Persons involved in an affair are always looking for some sort of excuse to spend some time away together in a distant town. This enables them to have a night or two of passion, and then spend a day or two in a place where no one knows them. They can walk around the town, arm in arm, and for a while act like any other ordinary couple, without the fear of being discovered. The first problem is booking into an hotel. It is best not to book in advance, as the hotel may 'phone to confirm the booking details. When you find an hotel you will be asked to sign the register, so to save any embarrassment, decide on what names you are going to use. If you are going in under the names of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, this could cause problems when you go to pay with a cheque or credit card in another name, unless of course your name happens to be Smith. Hotels are used to women signing in under their own name in these more enlightened times. All hotels know that many couples that stay are having an affair. They don't mind, as long as the bill is paid. David is a night porter at a central London four star hotel. DAVID: Yeah, you can always tell those who should be together and those that shouldn't. If a married couple come to stay you'll find them wandering around the hotel separately. He'll go up to the room with her, and then she'll stay up there while he goes to the bar for a drink. She'll join him for dinner, and she'll just look into space while he'll probably read the paper. They don't really talk or touch. After dinner she goes on up to the room, and he stays in the bar until it closes. Then you get the other ones in. He's usually a lot older than her, she's all very pretty and made up, always high heel shoes, and her eyes are just... well you know, sparkling. They can't wait to sign in, and get to their room. They always look sheepishly at each other when they sign the register. They always arrive at the last minute for dinner, just in time. Then they spend the whole meal looking lovingly into each other's eyes, and talking and touching, and holding hands. Just like lovesick teenagers. The following morning, they normally miss breakfast, and when they do appear, they look happy, but knackered. The best way to pay your hotel bill is by cash. That way no record of your stay will appear on a bank or credit card statement. This also allows you to stay under an assumed name, and a false address which can be very important, as Nigel found out. NIGEL: I told my wife I was going to an old friend's funeral, and what with the children and the pets, it would be better if I went alone. Anyway it was late November and Newcastle would be quite a drizzly sight this time of year, cold and wet. To top it off she had not known Roger, my best mate at university, so there was no point in her going. She agreed. I picked Anne up that evening, and we drove down to Devon and booked into a hotel over looking the sea. We stayed two nights. It was wonderful, it was magic. Two weeks later my wife opened a Christmas card that was addressed to Mr & Mrs Raunton, that was us. The card had a picture of the hotel covered with snow, on the front, and inside it said, "Dear Mr. & Mrs. Raunton. The staff and management of the Hatfield Hotel wish you both a very merry Christmas, and a happy New Year. We trust you both enjoyed your visit with us on November 28th & 29th, and we hope that you will visit us again in the near future." That wasn't one of the best Christmases that I'd ever had, the New Year wasn't much better either. Try and avoid taking your affair partner to any official functions, as this can cause unforeseen circumstances as Derek can well testify. DEREK: I had to go abroad to a conference, all expenses paid, but my wife didn't want to come. I was having an affair with a girl called Annette, so I took her. When I got to Denmark I introduced Annette as my wife. Well, who would know here? I thought. Two days after I arrived back in England, my wife received a huge bouquet of flowers, and a card thanking her for presiding so graciously over the conference. Whoops! After that the handcuffs went on, and the wife never let me out of her sight again. Needless to say, the affair with Annette came to an abrupt halt. Many affairs are conducted wholly or partly in cars. This can cause unforeseen problems, as the following story illustrates. ANNE: Thursday night was my night out with the girls. My husband Alan accepted that, and stayed in to look after the kids. To start with I was in a ladies pub darts team, but after a while I noticed this gorgeous looking bloke eyeing me up at every match. I got chatting to him, and then this led on to Scott and me having an affair. I still pretended to Alan that I was going out playing darts every week. Scott used to pick me up from the pub and then we would drive out into the country and find a field somewhere. Sometimes we drove to a wood which had a kind of picnic area. It was a very popular spot for courting couples late at night. It was quite funny to watch the cars rocking back and forth, and to hear the grunts and groans of pleasure from the couples inside. One very hot August night, Scott and me were sitting in the front of his car, smoking a cigarette after making love. All the cars had their windows open as it was so hot, and we were being entertained by the couple in the car next to us. All we could see was a man's bottom going up and down. It was quite spotty. Suddenly I had an awful feeling. I recognised it! It was my husband's! My first thought was to get out of Scott's car, and drag Alan off the woman, and scream and shout and hit them. Luckily I remembered that I shouldn't be here with Scott either. I slid low into the seat and told Scott to drive out quick. When I got home I found that Alan wasn't back, but he had booked a baby sitter. I introduced myself and quizzed the poor girl about the arrangements. She said that Alan had been getting her to baby-sit for the last six months! I paid her the money and waited for Alan to come home, which he did, exactly as the clock struck eleven. I realised that I always got home about twelve, and when I came in he was always asleep on the sofa. No wonder! He was surprised to see me home so early, and said that he had had some urgent business to attend to, which is why he had to go out at the last minute. I couldn't tell him what I knew without exposing myself, so I told him that I had come home early because I had a bad headache. I made a few inquiries and it was revealed that Alan had been carrying on with this woman for six months. Furthermore, the baby sitter was Alan's woman's younger sister. It didn't take long for everything to come out into the open, and that was the end of our marriage. How to Have an Affair Cars also have an element of danger completely unrelated to the affair, as Richard found out. RICHARD: I was having an affair with a young secretary in my office. Lisa and I took every opportunity to get away for a few hours. One afternoon we finished work at twelve and drove up to the Lake District, and booked into a small bed and breakfast place that we knew. It was a four hour drive, but when we got there we telephoned our respective partners and made up some story about an urgent business meeting that we had to attend in Wales, and we wouldn't be home until late tomorrow evening. Of course to avoid any suspicion we didn't mention that we would be together. On the way home we had a very bad car accident, and we were both taken to hospital with serious injuries. I remember lying in bed feeling ill, and trying to explain to a policeman why he mustn't 'phone my wife. He apologised, and said it was too late, my wife and Lisa's partner would be arriving within the next hour. When they arrived they couldn't work out why we were together in a hospital in the Lake District. Although badly hurt, we managed to lie our way out of it by saying that there was a last minute change to the business meeting, and that it was important that Lisa, as my secretary, should be with me. My wife and Lisa's partner never found out the real truth. Cars can also go wrong. Make sure you have yours regularly serviced if you are having an affair. KIRK: I borrowed my girlfriend Kim's Austin Metro on the pretence that I was going to see a friend in Cambridge for the weekend. I picked up my other girlfriend, Laura, and drove her down to Devon. On the Sunday morning, as I started the car, there was a huge bang. I didn't have any money, but I called out the local garage to look at it. The mechanic shook his head and said the drive shaft had shattered. He added that he would give me ten quid for its scrap value. I 'phoned Kim and told her about the car, and asked whether I should accept the money. She was very upset, but she said no, she had an uncle in Cambridge who would come and pick it up, apparently he was very good with cars and could probably fix it up for her. Problem; the car wasn't in Cambridge, it was in Devon, outside a cheap bed and breakfast, and with another woman in it. I tried to persuade Kim to accept the ten quid, as I needed the money for the train fare home, although ten quid was not enough to get us both home. But Kim wasn't having any of it. She asked for the address in Cambridge where the car was. So I made one up. She said that her uncle would be there soon, and he would give me a lift back. I told Laura what the problem was. She was brilliant. She suggested that I 'phone Kim back and tell her that when I got back to the car, someone had either stolen it, or towed it away. But not to 'phone Kim until we were getting near to Cambridge. The delay in 'phoning could be explained away by saying I had spent a few hours looking for it. We sold the car for fifteen pounds to the mechanic, and got him to drive us to the station. Within two and a half hours we were at Cambridge station. I 'phoned and told Kim the "bad news." She was frantic because her uncle had 'phoned her saying that he couldn't find the address that I had given her. I told Kim to 'phone her uncle on his mobile, and to ask him to pick me up from Cambridge station. He had gone back home, so this gave me just about enough time to rush to Cambridge police station and report the "theft" of the car. Laura hitched from Cambridge and Kim's uncle drove me home. Kim claimed on her insurance for the theft of her car. Everything was fine until the insurance company came across the registration of her car. The log book showed the new owner as a mechanic in Devon. Then the police got involved and eventually I had to tell the truth, with the obvious consequences. Cars have other ways of exposing affairs. People recognise their friend's or relative's car. How often has someone said to you something like, "What were you doing in Almeda Avenue last Thursday at 3.30pm." Yes, they saw your car parked on the road. We even recognise cars when passing in opposite directions on a dual carriageway. Emma's story illustrates the dangers of using your own car. EMMA: I could have parked the car anywhere. But I didn't think. I was seeing this man called Ralph, and I used to drive to his house as soon as my husband had gone to work. Ralph and I had been seeing each other for about five months, and Ralph was a good friend of my husband. One fateful day my husband was passing by and noticed my car outside Ralph's house. He parked the car, and rang the doorbell, presuming that I had just dropped in to see Ralph for a cup of tea and a chat. Ralph didn't bother getting dressed, he just went to the door naked and opened it. My husband pushed past him, ran upstairs and discovered me lying naked and tied up on the bed. It was not a very friendly scene after that. Probably the safest way to conduct an affair is to rent a flat in another town, and use that as your meeting place. It is an expensive option, and you have to hide the expenses of rent and other bills. On the other hand, have an affair with a single person who lives on their own. You will then have all the comfort and security that you desire. CHAPTER 5: BEWARE! When you are having an affair, you are aware that it has to be kept a secret, but as the affair continues you become more confident, and you selectively tell a few close friends. One of the reasons people tell their friends is because it is like an insurance. Your friends will give you back-up and support if the affair ever comes out into the open. The friends who didn't know would be annoyed because you hadn't told them. Others would revel in the position of being able to say, "Yes I knew." Another reason we tell our friends is because we feel slightly guilty, and we want to share the guilt with them. Possibly we tell our friends because we wish to strengthen our friendship bonds, by sharing with them an important and secret part of your life. Of course it could be that we just want to show off. You shouldn't tell anyone at all. For each person that you tell, they will tell at least their own partner. Their partner will tell at least one other person, and so it goes on. It should be made a rule from the outset between you and your affair partner, that neither of you will tell anyone else. If you don't adhere to that rule, then it won't be long before you are found out. When people involve themselves in affairs, it is quite usual for them to discuss their other partner. It is not advisable to slag off the other partner, for this can often come back to haunt you at a later date. It also gives the impression to your affair partner that you want to break up your normal relationship. Never let your affair partner meet your usual partner, because if the affair is revealed, then your normal partner feels far more hurt if they thought they were friends with your affair partner. People like to think that they can tell if their partner is having an affair. But it is always devastating when they find out, and again it's worse if your affair partner turns out to be someone that they knew or trusted. It is quite a thrilling sensation when your normal partner meets your affair partner seemingly by accident at some sort of social event such as a party. But you have to go out of your way not to be seen taking notice of your affair partner, to avoid raising suspicions. This inevitably upsets your affair partner, but you can always make it up to them later. There are many ways that an affair can be discovered. Sometimes people want their usual partner to discover that they are having an affair. To successfully hide an affair one must always be diligent, and never be forgetful or sloppy. You always have to be running on full throttle, and must never stop concentrating, even for a moment. Newton's maxim, "To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" has to become your motto. In other words, every contact that you have with your affair partner must be thoughtfully considered and then reacted to, to cover your tracks. The telephone is probably responsible for bringing many affairs out into the open. It is best never to give your home 'phone number to your affair partner in case they are ever tempted to 'phone on the off chance that you will be in, and your normal partner out. SAM: I was having an affair with this girl, who went away on a skiing holiday. To my horror I discovered that she was phoning my home every day. If my wife answered the 'phone, she just cut the call. If I answered she would always say, "Is it convenient to talk?" It never was, as my wife was always in the room, so I had to pretend that it was a wrong number. When she came back from the holiday she told me that the reason she 'phoned every day was so she could hear my voice on the answering machine. With the advent of call-back facilities, by pressing the numbers 1471 a recorded announcement relates the number that has called your 'phone, and the exact time of the call. Most people now keep a record of all their friend's numbers in numerical order, to enable them to quickly identify who called, and when. It's very frustrating when you don't recognise the number that has called, and after a while most people 'phone the number and say "Hi - you were trying to contact me earlier." Imagine the problem if your partner has 'phoned either your affair partner, or your affair partner's partner. If that makes sense! Never telephone your affair partner from you own home for three very good reasons. First your live-in partner may have made an earlier 'phone call to someone who was out, and not realised that you have made a subsequent one. So they press the button for last number redial. They might just do that if they were suspicious as well. The second reason to avoid 'phoning from home is that most bills are now itemised, and people do like to check through the telephone bill when it arrives. If it is imperative to 'phone your affair partner from your home, then always calculate the cost of the call for the time of the day, and make sure that the total cost is below forty-nine pence. Any calls under forty nine pence do not appear on an itemised bill, unless it is a mobile phone. After you have made the call, 'phone anyone you want to for a chat. This covers you for last number redial. The third reason not to 'phone your affair partner is because many people have extension 'phones installed, as Susan knows only too well. SUSAN: Mike and me had been having an affair for two years, and we prided ourselves on how we had managed to keep it secret for so long. Mike used to 'phone me from his office at lunchtime every day. He would always ask me what I was wearing, and to excite him I'd tell him that I was wearing some slinky underwear and was lying on the bed, imagining that he was touching me all over. I wasn't though, I was just in jeans and a T-shirt or a tracksuit, and was ironing, or watching TV, but he didn't know that. The 'phone calls always got him so worked up that they made me feel very sexy too. So after a couple of weeks, I decided it might be quite enjoyable to actually do the things that I was telling him I was doing. From then onwards, on every weekday, I would go upstairs to the bedroom, draw the curtains, dress up, and lie in bed waiting for Mike to ring. It all came to a horrible end. My husband Dennis was a sales representative and unknown to me had come home early as he wasn't feeling very well. He had presumed that I was out shopping, and he picked up the downstairs 'phone to cancel his afternoon calls. At first he thought that he had a crossed line, and I think he was quite enjoying listening in. After about fifteen minutes of Mike and I "doing it" on the 'phone, he suddenly realised that it was me. There was a big row, and then it all had to come out. We are now divorced, and I lost Mike as well, because he decided to finish the affair in case Dennis told his wife. All this due to a bloody extension 'phone. Mobile phones are a notoriously insecure method of communications, as some members of the Royal Family have discovered to their cost. The problem with mobile 'phones is that anybody with a scanner can listen in, and even record conversations. This opens you up to possible blackmail. Text messages can also expose an affair. DUNCAN I was having a purely sexual lustful relationship with a girl twenty years younger than me. We text each other all day. Smutty and suggestive text. I hid the 'phone behind the light in the shower, no way would my wife take the light cover off and look in there. I was out with this girl when my wife needed to contact me and rang my mobile 'phone. She dialled the number and could hear my mobile upstairs and went to investigate. She was rather surprised to find it in the bathroom. Because of where I'd hid it, she was naturally suspicious and looked at my text messages. And there they all were, all in graphic detail. That was the end of the marriage. You must delete all text messages as soon as you receive them, and delete all your sent items also. Also, as previously mentioned, all calls on a mobile 'phone are itemised on the bill. The best advice on 'phones is to be very careful, and use public 'phones when communicating. It's inconvenient, but it's safer. Letter writing is very dangerous, as there is always the chance of someone discovering the letters. The only safe way to write a letter to your lover is to post it to an understanding friend of theirs. But people who are in love are sentimental, and they like to keep the letters. Where do you hide them? Nowhere is safe. Any letters, notes, cards etc. must be destroyed. If you keep them they probably will be found, and they can even be used as evidence against you in future divorce proceedings. Illicit lovers are very tempted to send birthday or Christmas cards to each other, hoping that they won't be noticed by your normal partner among all the others. Don't be fooled, as they will be noticed. Of course, there is one time of the year when you can get away with it, and that is on Valentine's Day. As they are supposed to be anonymous, you can always make the excuse that your mum/dad/sister/brother have often sent one to you before, as a joke. The weather was nearly responsible for bringing one affair into the open. Jim was having an affair with a girl called Rita. Rita lived in the same street as Jim and Jim's wife. JIM: My wife was always up by 5 a.m. to go to work. I waited until she went to sleep, then I slipped out of the house and went to visit Rita. I had to be back before my wife woke up, and there was one classic occasion where as I crept back into the bedroom and had my trousers round my ankles, my wife put the light on and said "Well... you're up early this morning." "Yes couldn't get back to sleep," I said as pulled my trousers back up. One night I slipped out to see Rita. Later as I left her house I noticed a heavy covering of snow had fallen. It was beautiful, so still and so quiet. I trudged up the road back to my house and was just going to insert the key into the lock as I looked back down the road. There was a perfect trail of footprints in the snow, going from Rita's house right to my front door. There were no other tracks in the snow, and my wife was going to be up and out in twenty minutes. I had no option, as it was a very quiet road and I knew there would be no passers by at this time in the morning. So I spent the next ten minutes running up and down the road leaving false trails to nearly every house in the road. I was freezing cold, and the snow had soaked my shoes. My feet felt like blocks of ice. That was close. Sometimes your usual partner loves you so much that they will go to great lengths to give to you a sign of that love. Mary was going away for a weekend on a management course. Mary gave her husband Tony the details of the hotel that she was staying in, in case he needed to contact her about the children. MARY: I could see Tony and the two kids in the rear view mirror waving goodbye, as I drove off on the two hundred mile journey to the hotel. I loved Tony lots, and I felt a bit emotional as I left them behind. The course consisted of two nights in the hotel. After dinner on the first night, I was sitting in the bar when one of the others on the course came over and offered to buy me a drink. His name was Gavin. I noticed Gavin earlier, he was one of those men that just made you feel all gooey inside. We had a few drinks, and I just felt overwhelmed with desire. As we went upstairs he asked me if I would like to have a night cap in his room. So I did. He said that if I wanted I could stay the night with him. I really wanted to, but because of Tony and the kids I thanked Gavin for the offer and went alone to my own room. The next day we had to work together as a team, and by the evening all my principles and morals had flown out of the window. I thought that if Gavin didn't ask me to stay the night with him, I would throw myself at his feet and beg him. After dinner we retired to the bar and had a few drinks. I suggested to Gavin that perhaps he would like to come up to my room for a night cap. Well, that was that. We were like animals. Tony had decided to pay me a surprise visit. He asked his sister to look after the children, and got on a coach in the early evening. He arrived at the hotel just before midnight. He showed identification to the hotel receptionist, and told her that it was our wedding anniversary, (although it wasn't), and that he had made the journey to give me a wonderful surprise. She gave Tony a keycard to my room so he could let himself in. It was quite a surprise for all concerned. An affair in an hotel is always a very high risk. There have been many stories about celebrities, and even the odd Member of Parliament, dying in an hotel bed with someone else other than their normal partner beside them. Taking photographs or videos of your affair partner is not recommended. One tends to forget what's on a roll of film until it comes back from the developers. And on videos it is sometimes impossible to erase previous filming, or you forget what is on which video tape. George had invited a few friends around for a party, but the party broke up earlier than George expected. GEORGE: Christine was a neighbour and she and I had been having a steamy affair ever since I got married to Tracy, four years previously. Tracy and I put on a party. Some of the lads knew I had a few blue movies, and pestered me to put them on in the back room, so I did. They usually watched them quietly, but this night there were lots of shouts and cheers. I was talking to Christine and some other friends in the front room when Tracy decided to investigate what was going on in the back room. There was a terrific scream, and Tracy flew at Christine and at me with a bottle. We managed to get out with just a few bruises. As I stood outside my house wondering what had happened, the bedroom window smashed open as Tracy started hurling everything out of it. By then every had decided it was probably best to leave. One of my mates told me what had happened. They had come across a video of Christine and me making love. Well, that was it really. What could I say? That was the end of my marriage, at that point. I was certain that I'd erased that particular video, but obviously I was mistaken. Worse still, I saw a very grainy copy of it a few years later at someone else's house. I couldn't believe it! I knew it was me and Christine, but no one else did. I stole the tape that night and burnt it. But I know there must be lots of other copies around somewhere, which will no doubt come back to haunt me every now and again.