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Blowjobs for Dummies

By: BatsandGlamour



I recently wrote a story called "How to Eat Pussy Like a Champ." It was a labor of love. I was thrilled with the feedback I received. I got cheers from men. I got compliments and thanks from women. I also got several dinner invitations. For the record, I do like steak, but make me a well-prepared Italian dish and I'm putty in your hands.

What surprised me most were the comments I got from both men and women requesting and encouraging me to write a follow up piece about how to give a blowjob. Women wanted it so they could compare their technique or perhaps learn something new without having to bother their neighbor's husband. Men wanted it so they could hand it to their lady and avoid the discomfort of saying, "While you're down there, honey, I'd like to give you some instructions on how to do it better." Ouch – I can nearly feel the teeth marks.

Well OK, you know me, I'm more than happy to help. There's nobody that likes to be on the receiving end of a good BJ more than me. In fact, I bring my cock with me wherever I go for just such an occurrence.

Writing an article about how to go down on a woman, that was like a fish writing about how to swim. It's just something I truly love. But writing an article about how to give head to a man, oh boy. I can see the feedback now. "Hey gay blade, why don't you stick to pussy and leave blowjobs for the chicks to write about." Or, "Hi, I'm Johnny from Hoboken. I loved your piece. Call me at 637-9648." My friends, they'll never let it go.

Well, let me first say that I'm not gay. Although as Jerry Seinfeld put it, "not that there's anything wrong with that." 

If my first article helped a few inexperienced guys please their women, I feel great about that. And if this piece helps a few more girls feel comfortable and confident and gives their guy greater satisfaction, I'll take the heat. That's what writing is about.

Ah, how fondly I remember my first blowjobs. Typically, the eager girl would put her lips over the head of my cock and frantically rub my shaft until I either came or developed a friction rash. Then just when I was excited enough to cum from all this attention, usually about two minutes, she'd pull my cock off her lips, so that she wouldn't taste any of the nasty sperm that shot out and made lovely patterns on my clothes. "What's that on my jeans, mom? Glue!"

Only years later did I discover that this was not in fact a blow job, it was being jerked off with a little tongue action. Sort of what I could do by myself, only a tad wetter.

What a disappointment. And yet, how could you blame her? It's not something that was taught in school, nor were the other girls any help – they didn't have anyone to teach them either. In most households, this was not discussed at the dinner table. "Sweetheart, pass the salt, and lick my balls a little more tonight will you? How was school today kids?" So here you had all these marginally satisfied guys running around wondering what was so great about blowjobs. I was one of them.

With the advent of video tape technology, we got to see a lot more blowjobs than we ever saw in the basement on the old 8mm projector. And there was sound! Moaning and groaning. At last, we got to see beautiful women sucking a cock so large that it belonged in the Jurassic age, using both hands and barely covering half of it, until the guy finally came a quart all over her face and tits. And you think we felt bad before? We went to our rooms and cried about how much nature had cheated us, and startled that a girl could take suck a large cock so far down her throat. No wonder they moaned.

Now with DVDs, we can see the same thing, only clearer. You haven't lived until you've seen a blowjob on DVD, watched on a large screen television. It looks like an episode out of "Don't Try This At Home." A huge face swallowing a python. It was intimidating to women and humiliating to men.

Now for the good news. You are about to read a do and don't article that will suggest how a woman can dramatically improve her BJ skills, if indeed they need improving. Some women out there love to suck a cock s much we love to lick pussies, and need no improvement at all – none. They live for it. They love the feel, the taste, the sight. They moan with pleasure when they suck. They slobber all over you. They rub a cock on their face like it's a wrinkle remover. To those women I say, "Come to papa!" But in any event, you still may learn just one thing that will improve your performance, or clarify that you are as good as you thought. If so, it's worth reading – and you may have some fun. Read it at a party, that ought to spice things up!

Anatomy-wise, the penis is relatively uncomplicated. There's the head, shaft and balls. Hasn't changed much since the cave man. But let's get a little more technical. The entire head of the penis is called the glans. The crown itself, the ridge of flesh separating the glans and the shaft is called the corona. The meatus is the opening at the tip of the penis where urine and semen emit. And the frenulum is the underside of the corona where the circle of the corona comes together, and where the shaft connects to the corona, that 'V' shape. The scrotum is of course the sac that hangs below the penis and holds the testes. Under that is the perineum, or 'taint' area, leading to the anus. If you need photos, there are many, many websites that have them, if they're even needed. Got all that? They don't teach all this in health class as a way of improving your blowjobs do they? Hmm…maybe they should. 

I wrote this information not to bore you, but because I don't want to describe it over and over in the rest of the article. As I've said before, I'm not a doctor. Yet, I've been to the doctor many times, never discussed blowjobs. He did stick his finger up my ass with a glove on though. And that was in the waiting room. So we made a deal, I won't practice medicine and he won't write about how to give a blowjob. Sounds like a better deal for me.

Now, here's the fun part, the do's and don'ts of giving a spectacular blowjob. These can put you in the BJ Hall of Fame. Where is it located you ask? In my display case next to the baseball trophies? It will have to remain a secret for now kids, but it's not in Canton, Ohio.

OK, you're kissing, you're rubbing, you've kissed your way down his neck and chest. You've lifted his shirt and kissed down his stomach, and you're unbuckling his belt. What now?

Watch any adult movie and what's the one thing they always do beautifully? They look into the lucky guy's eyes when they give him head, when it's physically possible. Why? It shows the connection they have with him. They're not just sucking a cock, they're sucking his cock, and they want to taste his cock. So start this practice early. When you're pulling off your fella's pants, begin looking in his eyes. An approving moan (would a gasp hurt?) or two when his cock springs free lets him know you're eager to please him and like what you see. 

Don't pump his penis like you're milking a cow. Gently (at least at first) rub his cock with your hands, making it as hard as possible. If you've gotten this far and he's not as hard as a rock yet, please come see me as soon as possible. Wait – did I write that? I mean, keep going. And don't just rub the top half of his cock, rub the entire cock, including in particular the glans and balls. The frenulum is incredibly sensitive and will send shivers through him – but I'll get back to that aspect. In the meantime, rub him all over, and don't forget his perineum and even his anus, lightly at this point. Again, I'll get back to that once the heat is on. 

Remember, the shaft of the penis doesn't have a heck of a lot of nerve endings. Its primary use, BJ wise, it to connect the sensitive head with the sensitive balls. The head of his cock and balls are where all the action takes place, so don't spend too much time giving him the shaft. The more time you spend with your tongue and lips on his head and balls, the better head you'll be giving. Why do you think they call it head??

Do talk to him. Tell him how much you love him, how much you want him, how much you want to suck his cock and how good you're going to make him feel. Now, I know this may be a bit uncomfortable for those uninitiated in the ways of dirty talk (hmm…another article in the making). But girls, I can't begin to tell you how arousing it is for us to know how excited you are and how much you enjoy what you're doing. Books have been written on just this subject. If you feel funny about it, and there's no reason you should, whether you've known the guy a week or have been married for 25 years, just start slow. 

Perhaps "I've been looking forward to this," or "I can't wait to taste you," would get the ball rolling. Then simply go with the flow. Sure, if you want to say, "God I love this cock…I'm going to suck your cock like it's never been sucked before…suck the cum right out of you…make you feel like you've died and gone to heaven…would you like that, baby? Would you like me to suck your cock hard and long until you squirt into my mouth? Because that's what I'd love to do…" I guess that would be all right. But again, even if it's just an approving moan now and then. Anything is better than stone silence, where it seems like you're doing a chore.

The wetter the better, so don't skimp on the saliva. In other words, slobber all over his cock! If nothing else, all the licking it takes to do this is putting him in, let's say, a good mood. A jewelry good mood? Who knows. Certainly a dinner out good mood. More important, when you're pumping his lubricated rod with your hand, which is not such a bad idea, the saliva reduces the friction. So lick up and down his shaft with maximum drooling. Friction=bad, Wet=good. Comprende?

Do swirl your tongue around the head of his cock. It's the most sensitive area and responds well to this loving attention. Now here's a little secret that many people don't know and that I alluded to earlier. The frenulum, that little V shape under his cock head, is mucho sensitive. If you use your tongue to play with it, you'll be doing your good deed for the day. Likewise his meatus. Flick your tongue along the tip of his penis to get this area. The head of his penis is like your clit. Suck on it, swirl your tongue around it, bob your head up and down with your lips over his head, lick all the areas I just mentioned and you'll have him gasping for air. Another winner: while you're sucking and licking his cock head, circle your fingers in an 'OK' motion around just the base of his cock. Then, clamping tightly, 'jerk him off' in a mini motion of no more than an inch or so. It won't make him cum, but it's exquisite.

Don't stay in one spot doing just one thing. It becomes monotonous for both of you and begins to decay the pleasure after a while. When a guy goes down on you properly, he's kissing and licking all over, not just concentrating on one spot. Same thing with good head. Suck the top, lick the shaft, lick his balls, keep changing the pattern. Except when he's just about to cum. When you're got him this deep into the pleasure zone, and you can tell from his words or his breathing that ejaculation is close at hand, now is not the time to move away from what you're doing. Just keep it up until he cums.

Do lick and suck on his balls. Those two babies are his pleasure zones, shooting sparks inside his head. If you haven't been doing this, you've been unknowingly denying him a real source of pleasure. Go easy down there, needless to say, it's not the place to play handball. But licking and sucking on his balls, while your hands continue to caress his shaft – it just doesn't get much better than that. 

Don't overlook his perineum and anus. This requires some explanation. If you think that a guy who likes his anus played with or even penetrated is gay or would like to be, you are dead wrong. A man's anus and surrounding areas are rich with nerve endings. Perhaps, it has been speculated, even more so than a woman's, and nobody faults her for enjoying anal sex – hell no. When you are licking his balls, if you go down a little further, licking his perineum which is, I'm testing you here, the 'taint' area between his balls and anus, you'll be rewarded with lots of moans, groans and heavy breathing. It just feels amazing. 

Now, and here's the dicey part. If you insert a well-lubricated finger, preferably a pinkie, just a little bit into his anus just as he's about to cum – watch out. He may cum like a fire hose from you massaging his prostate this way. Now this is not something I would surprise him with, in case he feels funny about it. But he won't feel funny if you don't! Tell him you know it feels good and that's what you're trying to do. Let him know you feel comfortable about it, that there's nothing the two of you should deny yourselves sexually, and he should be just fine. Which, by the way, brings me to another point for men only:  Guys, please, give the lady some courtesy – something to be attracted to. If you've had a long, hot day at work, or a great, sweaty workout at the gym, take a hot shower. Scrub the day's crud off your body before you ask her to swallow it, OK? Get clean, look good, smell good, and you're fighting a winning battle. If you want to do her a real favor, take a scissors and trim off some of the stray hairs around your cock and balls, carefully. I'm not saying shave the area, although it can be a hell of a lot of fun actually.

Blowjobs for Dummies Ch. 02



After writing my first ‘Blowjobs for Dummies’ piece, I though I was through with the subject. I had intended it to be enjoyed and perhaps used for purposes of comparison, improvement and even reference. 

The feedback I asked for and received was simply overwhelming, and I mean this in the most positive of respects. When I received an email address to respond to, I always answered questions as best I could, and thanked the respondent for taking the time to write. One lady in particular, and you know who you are, has been very, very kind to me. I’d also like to thank the kind gentlemen of cell-block C at Trenton State Prison for their invitation to spend the weekend. 

Interestingly, though most of the encouraging feedback was from women, some were from men thanking me for putting in writing what they could not verbalize, and promising me they’d show it to their significant others. Any feedback from that?

One of the reasons I asked for comments and feedback was to find out techniques that I didn’t know or hadn’t had done to me. I mean hey, who am I, Gene Simmons? I’ve had my share of nice BJs, but I’m not a rock star. Certainly not a porn star. Had God only given me the plumbing for that…

No matter, I haven’t read any stories by rock stars who’ve had more head than I’ve had headaches, or by porn stars who’s endowment makes my penis look like a cocktail frank. Where are these people when you need advice?

With that in mind, I’d like to share with you some of the recommendations I’ve received that I thought were darn good. 

Do run your fingernails lightly along the lucky guy’s shaft, balls, perineum, etc, while you’re gobbling his knob. It’s just a little added sensation that, along with the other sensations he’s getting, goes a long way towards driving him over the edge, or keeping him home, whichever you’d prefer to think.

Do, and it’s a big do, lightly skim your teeth along his swollen cock head, especially the frenulum, that spot where the head joins the shaft, as well as the rest of the shaft. Now, before the guys in our audience start sweating, I said lightly.  Sucking is great, oh boy is it, but as wet and wonderful as it is, there’s not a lot of contact there. Some guys need just a little more stimulation, and the teeth can help.

One feedback writer told me I’ve never experienced anything until I’ve had head from a girl with a pierced tongue. She may be right! I don’t know from personal experience. But I’ll surmise this; it would be for the same reason as skimming her teeth along my grateful cock, the added sensation and contact. 

Another lady added that when she’s deep-throating her husband, she runs his cock head along the ridges on the roof of her mouth, and that he "responds positively" to this type of sensation. Really? Likes to stick his cock all the way down your throat does he? I sure as hell hope so, my dear! I would "respond positively" too, like with flowers and a weekend on an island. She also mentions that this seems to be easier for her to do in the 69 position. It lets her get his cock further down her throat without gagging. Let me just adjust my pants here a minute. There. So yes, do rub his head against the roof of your mouth when you deep throat him. And baby – you’re my hero.

By the way, I have to mention the nice girl who told me that her husband appreciates her wanting to give him head, but says her respects her too much to let her do it. Note to her husband: "Hey mister, are you fucking nuts? She wants to suck your cock, she’s aching to suck your cock. If you win the lottery, are you going to keep only what you need? Do me a favor, respect her just a little less and give her the goods." When this guy goes to heaven, which I’m sure he will, they’ll get a giggle out of him. ‘We wanted you to be good – but this good nobody asked for.’ So do not respect your lady so much that you refuse head. Having her lovely lips on your cock is a good thing, a really, really good thing. If God had not intended it to be, her never would have put the thought in our heads, would he?

I’ve also been advised by a reader that she twists her head from side to side while she moves her mouth up her man’s shaft. This again falls under the category of giving added stimulation, which in this case comes from his cock hitting the insides of her mouth. It may also fall under the category of "reasons my chiropractor claims I have neck problems," by I personally feel it’s worth it.

My next comment concerns a woman who tells me that after she lets her lover drop his load in her mouth, he refuses to kiss her. Who, may I ask, does he think he is – King George? Guys, when she sucks your cock and swallows your cum, then wants a kiss, do kiss her. Hold her, thank her, bless her with holy water. If you’re not man enough to kiss her, you’re not man enough to have her suck your cock. What do you do after you go down on her, use mouthwash? What’s that, you don’t go down on her? Get out of the bed, I’m coming over. Nothing personal.

A dear, sweet Irish lass made some wonderful suggestions, which I’ll relay to you now, since I don’t think she’s going to write her own article, though she certainly could.

One thing she suggests, do hold a lady’s hair out of her face while she’s down on you. First, this sounds like a really tender thing to do, so I’m all for it. Second, it may help you gently guide her head where you want it. Warning: don’t push her head down further then she wants, or it may be the last BJ you ever get from her. Also, you can pull her hair a little this way of she’s into it. Stroke her hair, stroke her neck, it’s very nice. This technique also helps her from getting mouthful of her own hair, which is no great pleasure I assume.

Second, she suggests, do tell her what you like in short, simple phrases. Even William Shakespeare probably could not wax eloquent with his cock in a fair maiden’s throat. But simple statements like, "yeah, just like that…" or "that feels so good right there," or even, "you’re making me feel like fat man at an all-you-can-eat bakery" will do the trick. If you want her to repeat it just he way she’s doing it, respond with encouragement. If you want her to try something else, tell her softly right now. Any encouragement is a big do in my view. She’s making you feel oh so good in the most intimate of ways – show her that you love it or I…er, someone else will.

Lastly, she mentions, tell her when you’re going to cum, but not in words that evoke a car about to hit her. Do not yell at the top of your lungs, "I’M GONNA CUM!," "HERE SHE BLOWS!" or even, ‘LOCK THE DOORS, DADDY’S HOME!" although that last one has some possibilities. You don’t want to scare her, throw her off the pace or do anything that stops her. But it’s a good idea to alert her that she’s about to receive your creamy gift. "Ohh baby, I’m gonna cum now" or any variation of that simple theme will do just fine. In fact, as the redhead correctly asserts, if she’s new to the game, it might not be a bad idea to say, "Here I cum baby, don’t stop…it feels so good."

Thank you for sharing, beautiful lady.

If I may just add to that last point, since it was the subject of so many feedback letters, none of which my mother has seen. Getting a guy to cum is the natural culmination of your efforts, and feels better than anything else in the world, as you know. Please do let your man know it’s OK to cum. That it doesn’t frighten, intimidate or bother you. Tell him that you want him to cum. As his breathing quickens and you feel his balls begin to contract against his body, which means that he’s about to cum or you just opened the window in winter, look him right in the eyes and say "Cum for me baby…cum right in my mouth…let me taste you." Man that’s hot – and I wrote it! 

Let him cum in your mouth or even on your face if you’re a nasty girl – and I like nasty girls, which is another story entirely. Just don’t stop, whatever you do. If you just can’t stomach the idea of swallowing, pardon the pun, hold it in your mouth and when it’s over, let it drip out into a tissue or napkin. Let me be clearer, do not spit it out like it’s a foul poison. Just wipe it out or off. You’ve still done well.

Once again, your feedback is tremendous. Fun, encouraging, insightful and filled with enthusiastic energy. I’d love some more of it. I would especially like any of your thoughts on what gets women aroused – what is your aphrodisiac? What words turn you on? And are there any special methods you use that get your man aroused. Hello usually works on me…but that’s something else.

Lastly, if you like my other stories, I’d like to tell you that I write under the screen name FitofJealousy as well – don’t ask why. But if you read the Aphrodisiac Transformation or Payback stories, I think you’ll be very pleased. Thanks for reading and good luck!