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The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 01

By: Romantic1



Compared to some of my other stories, this four-part story seemed to require a longer lead in before the 'good parts.' Please be a patient reader through the first part of this chapter as it sets the stage for the later (and more fun) parts of Joyce's story. And even in this opening segment there are the mandatory sex scenes, tastefully done I hope. (My thanks to Jeriscol for his editing.)

I knew Joyce many years ago before she started her transition. If she hadn't of made the transition, I think she would have given up life, for she believed she didn't have much to live for. Today, Joyce is a healthy, outgoing mature woman, mother, and grandmother, whom I hope will think kindly of my fictionalization of her transformation. Many events happened just as I've written about them. Joyce did lead the unconventional life style that is the core of this story and that I was pleased to be a part of for a time. Since her transformation, we have always shared the same philosophy about relationships and life.

So Joyce, accept this story with all the love and fondness in my heart. I'll always love you. / Romantic1

*****

Chapter 1

I jumped as I suddenly became aware of the guy standing next to me. He appeared out of nowhere, and I wasn't sure I wanted to be talked to. He just said "Hello" and leaned against the wall next to me. I continued to nurse my second beer as I looked at him and decided whether to answer him or not. He was good looking, probably in his mid thirties. He seemed patient and didn't speak further. We both looked across the large living room at the animated crowd at Jay's birthday party. There must have been fifty or sixty people in the small one-story home.

"Sarah," I finally said, somewhat in embarrassment that the two of us were next to each other but not talking. "I work with Sarah," I offered, "That's Jay's wife." I blurted out the statements as I did computer data at work then chided myself for the lack of detail or invitation to chat further. Why can't I be a good conversationalist? Why am I so scared of guys? Nothing in my past would give rise to my irrational fear and shyness, but that's how I've always been; and yet, here I was initiating a conversation; what a rare event this was - very rare.

"Oh," he said by way of a wordy reply. He studied me carefully. I wondered what he saw. What was he thinking? Did I look all right? He sipped his long neck then looked at me again. "I'm Ray," he said softly. He held out his hand, and I automatically shook hands with him. His hand was firm and warm.

"Oh," I volunteered holding up my end of the conversation. My brain was almost blank except to nurse my insecurities. Here I was, given a lead in to hold a nice conversation, and I was blowing it. Soon, he'd get bored and leave me alone. They all left me sooner or later. Oh, why couldn't I say something witty or profound? I finally countered with "I'm Joyce. I went to Ohio State in Columbus; majored in computer science."

"Oh," he said carefully, studying me again. A long silent moment passed. I thought, oh my God he thinks I'm weird. He sees me as the true geek that I am. He's a nice person from the looks of him, and here I am the nerdy girl that'll never date and rarely even goes out.

"I'm thirty," I replied flatly trying to think of the next area of stimulating conversation we could have. Ray stole the moment by tilting his bottle back and taking the last swallow.

I was getting the hang of this now. All I had to do was give a little more information on what I knew and perhaps that would carry the moment, and we'd launch into stimulating conversation. I felt like running for the door and fleeing the party. Sarah talked me into coming; she shamed me into it really: "Joyce, you have to come. You never go anywhere or do anything. You work most of the time and spend the rest in your apartment. Come on. Get a life. Come to our party. Besides, Jay wants to meet you and they'll be some cute guys there." So here I am. I realized I was actually trembling inside at the thought of talking to a guy.

I turned to Ray and said, "I grew up outside Philadelphia. My Dad was an engineer, and my Mom worked part-time as dentist's assistant."

Ray spoke, but I couldn't tell whether it was a question or a statement: "You work for the same agency Sarah works for."

"Yes, I program client web sites, the fancy ones with animation, graphics and media, and complex linkages." I thought 'Oh my God, I'm talking -- with a guy I just met. Is it still too late to flee out the front door and speed away in my car? I looked at him with a worried expression. Was I saying too much? Was I boring? Was he going to leave or, worse, laugh at me?'

Ray studied me for a full minute when neither of us said a word. My mind was going wild worrying about what he was thinking about our conversation and me - conversation that was so difficult for me.

"Tell me to fuck off," he said flatly, "But you need a social mentor don't you?"

"Huh?" I responded, slightly dumbstruck by his sudden profanity. "What do you mean -- a social mentor?"

Ray said, "I don't know why, but you're very uncomfortable with me. Somehow I feel that's the case with everyone, else you wouldn't be trying to hide over here in this corner of the room. I bet this conversation is almost paralyzing you and that you've thought about leaving ever since you arrived -- right?"

I nodded slowly as his words sunk in. The thought of leaving still had appeal, but Ray had just changed the rules of the conversation game.

Ray spoke, "You're thirty. You should be at the peak of your social game. You're certainly attractive, but you hide it behind your drab bulky clothing. I think you need not only a social mentor, but also a fashion makeover too."

I felt anger rise up. I glared at him but didn't say anything.

"Good," he said. "You're mad. I can see the color rising in your neck and face. As I said before, tell me to fuck off when you want." He paused then reached and took my hand; "Come and dance with me. I like this song."

I went on autopilot and allowed Ray to lead me outside toward the back patio of the spacious house. I remained miffed at his remarks, but was all too aware that they were on target. On the deck, a boom box with iPod attached was providing endless dance music. I recognized a Bon Jovi song and turned and started the awkward gyrations that passed for my dancing. Ray laughed and matched my machinations, but joined in. Pretty soon I felt a little better, and I got into the rhythm of the rock. I tried not to think about the fool I appeared to be by dancing.

Bon Jovi gave way to some Sugarland and the two of us kept dancing with a dozen or so other couples. Then the music changed again. A soft love song by Eva Cassidy floated out across the deck. The dozen or so gyrating couples slowed to the soft chords and blended into each other in the kind of contact I'd never shared before in my life. 

Ray held his arms out to me in a gesture to dance closely. I gulped and looked with horror at him. He wasn't the problem; I was. I ran from the deck out into darkness of the back yard, the damp grass anointing my sandaled feet with the night dew as I ran from the dance Ray had offered.

I found a stone bench in the shadows and sat alone. My head fell to my hands. I felt so inadequate in situations like this. I'd managed to avoid so many of them -- first in junior high school then high school and then college -- by being a brilliant and nerdy female that hid her feminine side behind sweat shirts and bib overalls. I'd always carried a laptop. After graduation, it was relatively easy to just 'be busy' for the few social offers that came my way. I realized there was a price to pay and this was it; social comfort at a simple house party eluded me. A couple of tears clouded my vision.

Suddenly, a voice spoke right next to me in the darkness. "I would guess that you don't like intimate contact - or that my very presence turns your stomach so much that the thought of physical contact with me in a slow dance is totally revolting."

I looked up at Ray's shadow in the dim light. I hesitated while he stood there. Finally, I said quietly, "No, it's not you. It's me. I've just never ..."

Ray's hands found mine, and he pulled me up from the bench and into his arms. He forced my right hand into his and wrapped his left arm firmly around me in formal dance position. I was stiff as a board. He reached up with his right hand and gently pulled my body and head even closer to him in a more intimate slow-dance. He said, "Relax. Loosen up. Go with the flow, just a little."

He swayed in time with the music forcing my stiff body to bend with his motion. I imagined I was like dancing with a board. Oh my God, I am terrible at this. I am not a dancer, and certainly not someone you'd want to dance so close to.

"Joyce," he said, "you smell good. I like this. Just loosen up a little more." I tried.

"More," he said. I tried harder.

Ray talked to me as we swayed, "What are you afraid of Joyce? Me? Intimate contact? Love? Friendship? Life? I think you've been hiding too long. It's time to come out of your shell. There's nothing here to be afraid of."

He didn't say anything for a few moments as we swayed to the rhythm of the rest of the song. I looked at him at one point, and it was clear he was waiting for me to say something in response to his comment. I started talking haltingly; "I'm so unsure of myself. I was never popular. I never went to dances or proms ... or even on dates. This is the first time I've danced with someone in more than a decade."

Ray looked at me and asked, "Are you afraid of yourself? Do you like yourself? Love yourself?"

Tears came to my eyes -- tears of sorrow and despair. "Noooooo," I shuddered as I answered his question. I looked down, avoiding eye contact with him.

Ray pulled me into his body and wrapped his arms around me tightly. I sobbed a few times into his chest trying to regain my self-control. I was always in control. Perhaps it was the beer. I'd let myself slip into that dark place I seldom went.

I steeled myself and pulled away from Ray. He produced a Kleenex from his pocket and offered it to me.

"Joyce, if you want to make your life something other than what it is, I can help you. I'm not going to force myself on you. We've only just met and spent about fifteen minutes together. In fact, I've given you a lot to think about. Think about the questions I've asked you and how you answered them. Call me when you're ready. There are no strings, no charge, and no obligation. I'm a friend."

He went on, "Whether you realize it or not, you are at a major crossroad in your life with many options before you. You have to make some tough choices, and you have to take action -- now -- if you don't like where you are in your life. Don't focus on what you believe are limitations and blocks to making some of those choices and actions; I assure you, there are many, many fewer limitations than what you are imposing on yourself. Instead, think about what kind of person you want to be." He paused, looked deeply into my eyes, smiled, and added for emphasis, "Think about what kind of person you really want to be."

Ray pushed a card into my hands and motioned for me to sit on the garden bench again. I sat on the bench and tried to read the card. When I looked up, he'd vanished. I wondered how he could completely disappear when only a few seconds had passed.

I looked at the card he'd given me; holding it up to the light so I could read it.

Ray Summer Your Life Coach 941-555-1566

I looked back at the house. Prophetically, Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow vibrated across the deck, and the couples were deftly matching each other's dance steps in time with the strong beat of the song. I sat and listened to the words of the song as they wafted across the lawn to me. They carried a personal message. 

What kind of person did I want to be? Certainly not the wallflower I'd become over the past twenty years; certainly not someone that could barely stand their own company. Maybe I would call him.

*

It took me four days to screw up enough courage to call Ray. I'd practically thought about nothing else and finally after my lonely morning coffee break at work, I dialed the number on his business card; he answered on the second ring.

"Hello Joyce," he said slowly.

"Errr, hello Ray, how'd you know who it was?"

"Because I know you want to change. You just don't know how. You had to work up some courage to call me, and I appreciate that you did. I think you will too."

I hesitated and said, "You're right ... and yes, I want to change. I don't like myself like this."

Ray spoke, "Meet me at Long Beach this evening at eight o'clock; straight out towards the water from the first parking area. You'll find me."

Before I had a chance to acknowledge his instructions, the line went dead. How presumptive of him. Maybe I wouldn't show up just to put him in his place. My anger flared again. A minute later I knew I'd be there.

Ten hours later, I walked across the sand at Long Beach looking for Ray. I wore my black oxford shoes and my standard white long sleeve men's shirt with men's dark long pants although the temperature was in the high eighties. 

Ray was easy to find. He was in swimsuit sitting on a towel staring out at the setting sun, his muscular shoulders evident even in the dim light. Before I even reached him, he gestured for me to sit beside him. I couldn't believe he'd seen me for he'd never turned around. Further, he couldn't possibly have heard me approach over the sound of the surf.

I plopped down beside him Indian style and immediately asked, "Are we going to talk here? How do we start?" I was preparing a third question when he firmly held up his hand to command silence. He still had not taken his eyes off the glorious sunset. He gestured with his hand to the western sky, and I too turned to watch the golden and gray hues of the sunset as the sky above us deepened and darkened from blue to midnight towards black.

We sat for a long time this way. At first, I was uncomfortable with the silence between us. Then I thought about the things I could be doing with these lost moments. If I weren't getting taught something then these moments were wasted. Then I silently tried to get Ray's attention by changing my posture -- first to match his erect and alert posture and then in the more comfortable slouch I'd first adopted when I sat. I switched back and forth a few times and realized that his good posture was actually easier to maintain.

I fidgeted the first few minutes we were together, particularly as I struggled with thoughts about what he would tell me or ask, and whether I looked all right. Then my mind wandered around uselessly. I focused in on a business problem, a thorny programming issue I'd been dealing with when I left work. I solved that -- if I could remember the solution. Then we were just silent. Gradually the voice in my head ran out of things to think about; I focused on the dying sunset.

When darkness was nearly complete, Ray suddenly stood next to me. I stood as well. Without a word, he picked up his towel and shook the sand from it. I wondered what was to happen next, but I didn't dare speak unless he did. He led the way towards my car, stopping behind my little six-year old Honda Civic. I wondered how he knew this was my car.

Ray said the only words he'd spoken all evening, "Tomorrow. Same time. Beach. Think about what you learned here this evening." He turned and walked away into the darkness; barefoot with his beach towel thrown over his shoulder.

I slowly drove home thinking about what had happened. First, I went through a recitation of the facts from the evening. I'd arrived, found Ray sitting there, been commanded by a hand gesture to shut up, sat and watched the sunset until it was dark, then walked back to the car. Somehow those were unarguable, and I didn't think that those were what Ray wanted me to think about. I couldn't see any lessons there.

Then I started to intellectualize the possible lessons from the evening.

First, I had decided I wanted to change -- enough so that I finally called Ray, a man I hardly knew and yet, someone that seemed able to peer deeply into my soul in the few minutes we'd met at Jay and Sarah's party. Somehow I knew he was on my side and I trusted him.

Second, I had realized that it was hard to silence the voice in my head. It kept talking to me and trying to stop me from really thinking about changing myself -- doing a makeover. I'd have to watch that in the future and even find a way to turn it off or divert its attention. 

Third, I'd figured out how to solve a tough problem at work. I still remembered the solution.

Fourth, Ray would not make this easy for me. I guess he would ask tough questions, and I'd have to think about them and figure out the answers. I suppose that if I were going to change myself, the changes and motivation couldn't come from him anyway -- it had to come from inside me.

Fifth, Ray could make me mad, but the source of my anger was ultimately me. I was frustrated with my insecurities and myself; how I'd drifted for almost twenty years neither opting for life nor oblivion. I'd allowed myself to become someone I didn't like and couldn't really tolerate much longer. I didn't feel worthy to be much of anything but a workaholic, and that only because it enabled me to avoid addressing the tougher questions facing me.

I realized as I drove home that at Saturday's party Ray had asked me to think about the kind of person I wanted to be. I hadn't thought much about any specific answers to that question, other than the self-talk about what I didn't want to be. I'd think about it some time soon.

I slept well that night but had vivid dreams of being chased by demons. In the morning the demons were gone, but so was half a night's sleep. I was at work early and was the most productive I'd been in weeks, particularly since I remembered the solution to my programming problem.

At eight o'clock that evening, I trudged across the sand at Long Beach to where Ray was sitting in almost the same spot as the night before. I watched him intently as he sat on facing the water all the way from the parking area where he couldn't see me; his back was to me the entire time. He never turned around but again gestured for me to sit beside him as I neared him. This time I sat and was quiet.

I was again wearing my work clothes, the dark khaki slacks with a men's white work shirt. This time I was wearing a baseball cap as well. It wasn't too feminine, but I was dressed practically, and I hadn't had to change clothes after work.

After we'd been sitting for five minutes in silence and my mind had quieted, Ray spoke with me in a near whisper; "What did you learn yesterday?"

I repeated a short version of the five lessons I'd extracted from sitting in silence with him for an hour the evening before: I wanted to change and I'd taken the first step; I had a voice in my head stopping me from changing; I'd solved a hard work problem; he would not make this easy for me -- nor should he; and the anger I expressed, was often more due to what my truth was, not what was actually said.

Ray listened intently watching me as I spoke. When I was through, I stopped and patiently waited for his reply. It did not come immediately. We went back to watching the sunset. There were more clouds this evening so everything was turning reddish-orange hues as the sun slipped from sight.

Ray spoke and said with a smile, "You did get the lessons I'd hoped for and a few others. You must not judge yourself or judge others by such a harsh yardstick. Learn to trust that things will work out well without you inserting your own measure of control."


The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 01



A few minutes passed, and Ray asked slowly, carefully articulating each question, "Who are you? Who do you want to be? Are you willing to pay the price?" He watched me as he spoke to be sure I heard him. I nodded acceptance of the questions.

"When do you want my answers?" I asked.

"Tomorrow - Friday afternoon. Don't think about it; just give me the first things that come to you. I will pick you up at one o'clock. Bring walking shoes," he said. I nodded in acceptance of our 'date,' and that I'd have to take a vacation day. Since I never did anything personal, I had eight weeks of vacation time saved up; it'd be unique to use one of my saved days.

We continued to sit in silence until near darkness overtook us again. Ray again ended our time together by standing. He helped me up; shook out his towel then walked me to my car. As we walked I asked, "When I first arrived -- yesterday and again today - how did you know I was behind you?"

I could see just enough of his face in the light from the parking lot to see his enigmatic smile. He said nothing as he walked away into the night.

*

I thought a lot about his three questions as well as his advice to not judge myself so severely. Somehow, I found humor in the paradox to not judge myself yet to define the present 'me' and the desired 'me,' the gap, and then consider the cost to change in terms still unspecified. That morning, I took a fresh notebook and started a journal, almost a diary, and started to make lists in it about whom I was and whom I wanted to be.

Friday at one o'clock I was sitting on the porch steps of my condo. I had my journal in hand and my Nikes in a plastic grocery store bag. I was wearing my dark slacks and another white shirt with my black men's tie shoes, about what I would have worn to the office.

Ray pulled up exactly at one in a vintage silver Porsche 944. I was impressed -- I'd never been in a Porsche before. I started to walk around to get in the car; however, Ray got out and came around the car and opened the door for me. After I was seated, he carefully shut the car door.. I was nervous since this almost felt like a 'date,' and I hadn't been on a 'date' since a junior high school sock hop. All morning, I'd anguished over the few entries I'd made in the journal. There was nothing profound, but it was what I thought I was or wanted to be.

Ray was more conversational than in any of our prior meetings. "We're going to go down to Myakka State Park. Have you ever been?"

I shook my head "No".

"They have some interesting trails down there and on one of them, they have a high tower where you can climb above the tree canopy. You can see a hundred miles in every direction. I thought we could walk around down there and find a nice place to talk. If you're interested, there's also a neat boat trip where they take you out on the river for an hour or so and show you a hundred or so alligators -- some are really big."

I smiled at his idea to show approval and then realized, "Oh my God, this is a 'date' -- I don't do dates!" My stomach did a few lurches and burbles to let me know that it was crunch time. I would have to talk, in conversation, being witty and smart, with a male. I cursed several times under my breath.

As we rode I studied Ray. He was a trim, dark haired, muscular man in his late-thirties. He had a sexy dark stubble that day. He was wearing a black t-shirt and tan shorts. The only jewelry he had on, was a multi-function watch; I noticed it was Breitling. He had tan loafers on as well that almost matched the faded baseball cap he was wearing. He wore aviator sunglasses than totally hid his eyes; however, he did turn his head to look at me often. He was studying me again.

"Did you work on the questions I asked you?" Ray said to me after a few moments of silence.

"Sort of," I replied. "They're not easy to answer. I couldn't even answer who I am now. I think outsiders can answer better than I can."

"Did the questions force you to think about yourself?"

"Yes," I answered, "But it's embarrassing. Somehow it feels wrong, like I'm conceited, or something. Vain. Selfish."

Ray asked, "Do you want to reach out to others -- be more social? I feel that that's one of your 'Would-Like-to-Be' traits."

"Yes, it is."

"You can't share yourself with others if you don't love who you are. How can you expect others to love you, if you don't love yourself? There's a difference between being selfish and being self-centered so that you know yourself -- your needs, wants, ideas, feelings, emotions, and thoughts. In the former, you take and don't give. In the latter, you seek to understand yourself so that you can give to and share yourself with others." Ray looked over at me to see whether I was absorbing what he was saying.

I thought a long time then ventured a thought; "Do you think I've been selfish by not sharing myself with other people - by being socially remote? I have a hard time committing to myself as well as others."

"Yes" was Ray's initial curt reply. "Good that you see the larger impact of whom you've been. Have you ever heard of the Law of Circulation?"

"No," I answered, "What's that?"

"What goes around comes around. What you sow so shall ye reap. What you give, you get. If you give friendship and love, that's what you'll get in return: If you give rejection and icy coldness to the world, guess what you'll get in return?"

The words hit me hard. I said, "I was called the 'Ice Queen' by several people in college." 

Ray went on in such a low voice that I strained to listen, "If you don't commit to others, you can't expect them to commit to you. Commitment is not an ownership issue. You don't have to give yourself away when you commit to someone. You do have to do what you say you'll do. Integrity is probably a better word."

I asked, "Isn't commitment also all about exclusivity in a relationship?"

Ray responded, "That's one of society's definitions. You don't need to abide by that if you don't want to. What if you loved several people simultaneously? Would you pick one and tell the others to get lost? What if you found someone else that you loved?"

"You mean ..." I stammered lost in thought for a moment as the impact of what he said sunk in.

Ray volunteered, "I had a relationship for several years with two women that I loved deeply -- and still do. I am totally committed to both of them. We lived together, loved together, and it was rewarding for all of us. We grew and matured together. Stacy had to move to the west coast to grow and follow her bliss. I still live with Kim. You'll meet her sooner than you think."

I sat quietly horrified. I was on a date with an attached guy. 

Ray smirked at me. "You're wondering why I'm with you when I have a partner. When I saw you at the party, I instantly knew that I was to help you. I am attracted to you by some cosmic force; I don't love Kim or Stacy any the less. There's no other message in our relationship right now except for words you've unilaterally chosen to use for it. If you think this is a 'date,' note that I never called it that; right now I have other motivations, specifically to help you get self-centered and be more the person you can be. Also, the primary purpose of my getting you out is to get you moving, to change the scenery in your life -- to take you out of your comfort zone. We'll talk about that at the State Park; now alligators and boat, or hike and canopy climb?" I opted for the hike.

I was quiet, and Ray left me alone to think as we drove out into the Florida countryside. My brain spun circles around the fact that he was in a relationship, but then I realized he'd really not 'hit' on me at all; instead, he was trying to help me change and improve myself. I had some long moments, as usual, when my thoughts were about how inadequate I was and how it was doubtful that I could change in any meaningful way. I was doomed to be a single, lonely, nerdy woman the rest of my life, skilled in technology but shunning all relationships. I'd die lonely and never loved.

Twenty minutes later, he turned into the entrance to the State Park, paid our admission fee, and drove through to the first large parking area. He parked the car and pulled a small backpack from the back of the car. He'd brought water and some snacks. I put my journal in the backpack, and we both changed our shoes.

We walked about two miles through a series of different climes, including Savannah grass and tropical rain forest. As we crossed a footbridge over a small tributary to the Myakka River, we stopped and observed two large alligators basking in the hot sun. We were only thirty or forty feet from them. We hiked another mile and entered a large stand of palms of different varieties, many towering above us. We came to the Canopy Walk, two large towers several hundred feet apart with a narrow catwalk suspended between them about five stories above the ground. We climbed about sixty feet up the first tower then walked across the narrow swaying footbridge cutting through the middle of the tree canopy; Ray even got me to laugh and jest with him as we walked. On the other side of the catwalk, we climbed another sixty or so feet to the top of that tower, bringing us well above the canopy of palms. Placards around the catwalk and towers described the ecology of the area and what we were seeing. We could see both the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean through the haze.

There was a small bench at the tower top -- an observation area. Since no one was around, Ray sat and gestured for me to join him. He opened the knapsack and handed me my journal.

"Now, my friend, who are you?" Ray asked. He sat back as though to bask in the sun and closed his eyes, yet I could tell he was about to hang on my every word. I opened to the first page of notes I'd made in the journal.

I started, "I am Joyce Carlton, age thirty, the only offspring of Paul and Ruth Carlton, now residents of Amelia Island, Florida. I am an unattractive dishwater blond, five-foot four inches tall, and weigh about 130 pounds." I felt very self-conscious talking about myself and looked to see the expression on Ray's face. He was stoic and expressionless.

I went on, "I grew up outside Philadelphia in a town called Chad's Ford. Dad was an engineer. Mom worked part-time as dentist's assistant. They were strict in raising me. I had a natural inclination towards computers, particularly since my Dad introduced me to them at an early age. I studied them at Ohio State. I've built them, taken them apart, fixed them, programmed them eight ways from Sunday, and I can make them do things that amaze many people."

I paused and took a deep breath ready to continue. Ray held up his hand and asked again, "Who are you?"

I hesitated and then went on. "I have a five-year old car and a two bedroom condo. I live alone and expect to the rest of my life. I've never been in love or even gone steady -- maybe I'm unlovable. I'm a social failure. If I didn't work such long hours, I'd have a dog. Instead, I have a ferret named Wesley. I can talk to Wesley. I make about $80,000 a year. I have a mortgage on my condo and a healthy bank account. I think I'd like to travel, but I haven't taken the time. I ..."

Ray interrupted, "You've told me your lineage, physical characteristics, your career, education, salary, lack of social life, pets, and some important possessions. You still haven't given me an inkling of whom you are."

I sat is silence. I stared at the other entries in my journal. They all dealt with my lifestyle, hobbies, and other possessions I have or had that I thought important. None of the responses answered Ray's question the way he was implying.

I looked up at him with what was no doubt a helpless look on my face.

Ray said supportively, "Answer that question without reference to your gender, profession, body characteristics, race, religion, roles you've played, accumulated knowledge, opinions, likes and dislikes, or things that have or haven't happened to you. Now, who are you?"

"I don't know ... I'll have to think about it," I stammered then added, "Can you be anyone without using at least some of those categories?"

"Oh, yes," Ray affirmed. He paused and asked, "Now, what did you write down about who you'd like to be?"

"Well," I began haltingly, "I already know that I'm not supposed to use all those categories but here's what I did write down. It'd be fun to be pretty or even considered beautiful. I want to be athletically fit and healthy; smart -- but I think I'm almost there now; not afraid of social situations -- like Jay and Sarah's party; witty and a quick thinker; and have many friends that are loving. I'd like to be loveable - maybe even have a lover -- or two." I laughed and blushed at my own comment then went on: "I want to be a good public speaker; compassionate and caring; independent -- I sort of am now; musical -- I've always wished I could play a musical instrument; spiritual -- not religious; a sharp dresser ... and that's where I ended. I didn't work on the gap and the cost to change."

Ray looked at me and smiled warmly.

"I know, I know," I stated as I languished in my guilt and self-centeredness. "All very superficial and I'll redo the list thinking about the categories I'm not supposed to use."

Ray stood and moved in front of me, pulling me up to him so we stood face to face. In a surprise move, he put his arms around me and his lips found mine. I didn't respond too well to his kiss, more from inexperience than unwillingness. I put my arms around him and kissed back in a second kiss. Then my brain kicked in with about twenty simultaneous thoughts; "Oh my God, what are you doing? You just kissed a man, stupid. You aren't worthy; he'll hurt you; you have bad breath; your teeth need brushing; you have a blotchy nose; he's already got a girlfriend; he's two-timing her - or you; he's your mentor -- so what; what if he wants to go further; what are you doing?" My brain stayed in overdrive for another kiss and then failed completely leaving me for a moment in stunned silence as we looked at each other in a nice way.

He held me at arms length and said, "There is nothing on your list that you can't become within a year. Nothing! Many things you can become just by coming down from this tower of isolation and lies that you've built for yourself."

"Huh," I said not quite understanding what he was saying. I sat down again as Ray walked to the corner of the tower then turned back to me.

"Well, let's take your list one at a time," Ray said as he took my notebook out of my shaking hands. I sat down again. He said, "First, you have 'pretty or beautiful' on your list. Don't you see that you already are? You're gorgeous. You have a trim curvy body that most women would pay a fortune to possess; you have a very attractive face; you could be a model -- in fact, I'd love to have you model for me some time just so I could have lots of photos of you."

My brain started to fry some more, injecting more thoughts of unworthiness into the mix. For a fleeting moment, I thought he's just lying to me, but then I decided to just try to listen to Ray and not to the negative voice in my head.

He looked up at me and then continued, "You want to be athletically fit. I don't know what your criteria for success here is, but you surely hiked the two miles from the car to the tower at a good clip, and I detected no hesitation climbing all the stairs to get way up here above the canopy. I'd just keep doing what you're doing, unless you have some goal like to run a marathon or something."

I nodded acceptance of his assessments and tried to turn off the deprecating voice that kept trying to break through my awareness of its negative messages.

He went on, "You want to be smarter. I already think you're brilliant. You hold a computer science degree from a tough university, and hold down a demanding job that requires creative and nimble thinking. Further, you're paid well. I don't see what the problem is here, other than limitations that you are probably putting on yourself." " "As for being deft in social situations, well all you need to do there is decide to be some way other than what you are. We'll come back to that. As for being 'witty and a quick thinking,' I think you have what it takes, just not the self-confidence to believe you are already that way. I know ways to build your self-confidence if you're willing to work at it."

Ray continued, "As for being a friend and lover and having lots of the same, well, all you have to do is give away what you think you don't have."

"How's that again?" I asked.

"To have friends, what do you have to give away?" Ray posited.

I thought a second and said in a low questioning voice, "Friendship?"

"RIGHT," he shouted across the top of the palm canopy with his arms outstretched. A heron that had been perched on a nearby palm flew away from us with a lazy flapping of wings. Ray studied me and asked further, "And to be loved and have lovers, what do you have to give away?"

"Love," I quickly responded.

"RIGHT," he yelled again into the sky. Then he turned to me and admonished, "You already have a huge amount of friendship and love locked up inside of you. Believe me, it's in there. All you have to do is start to give it away. The results will start to follow."

"I'm scared of being hurt," I said in retort.

"So go get hurt," Ray said bluntly. "You don't even know what it feels like. Further, you'll be surprised at how fast you can get over it, particularly if you don't pull back into your shell. That's where having friends comes in too: They help you get through the heartbreaks, remarkably though; you can have lots of relationships and never have a heartbreak. Relationships all ebb and flow; if you believe that they will, they'll all just keep getting better and better."

Ray paused as I digested his treatise, and then he continued after glancing at my list again: "You want to be a good public speaker -- I can help you move in that direction and I have some friends that would be glad to coach you in this area. You want to be caring and compassionate; again just start acting 'as if' you were already that way and you'll find you already are. Those words -- acting as if -- are important; they'll help you start to change. Underline those words in your journal later when you write some of this down. Now, if you give away caring and compassion, what do you get in return?"

"I know, I know," I said jumping up and down as I raised my hand to speak like an eager pupil, "Caring and compassion!"

"RIGHT," Ray yelled out across the treetops again. He looked at my journal again and asked, "Independent? You said you were almost that way now; what's standing in your way?"

I responded, "I just feel so unsure of myself, as if I have to check in with someone else before I can really make a decision -- even on what to eat or wear in the morning. I just feel that I should be asking someone else."

Ray asked, "I'm guessing this is because your parents made the decisions for you before you left home? If you practice making decisions, you'll find you get really good at them and the feeling of needing help will go away."

"Even in college, I had pretty dominant college roommates that didn't help me be courageous."

"So what do you think it takes to be independent?" Ray asked.

I thought for a moment and very tentatively answered, "Just believing that I already am? Acting that way?"

"RIGHT," echoed across the palm tops again. Ray looked at me for a minute then said, "The next item on your list is 'musical' -- so make an entirely independent decision about being musical."

I thought for a moment and said, "I will buy a piano keyboard and I will find a piano teacher and start to take lessons." I added, "I do this being independent in mind and spirit and without the need to seek approval from anyone else."




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 01



"Very good," Ray said slowly as he grinned at me. He went on, "The next item on your list was being spiritual -- not religious. Tell me about that."

"I was raised in a non-practicing Catholic household. We went to church on the big occasions like Easter and Christmas and a few other times. I got the gist of it -- I'm a miserable sinner, Christ died for my sins, and I'll probably go to hell. The trouble is; I don't believe any of it. My truth meter sits at zero on all those ideas and concepts. I wasn't sinning, yet that religion is premised on the fact that I did or do -- even unintentionally and unknowingly. What a crock! I'm not sure what I believe, but that's not it."

"Do you believe in God?" Ray asked.

"Yes and no," I responded. "God is not 'someone' out there, separate from me. The God-force is in me -- in you, in everyone. There's no separate 'being' that judges us and has some of us go to some ill-defined heaven and others to some equally vague hell. We make our heaven or hell in how we live this life."

"Is there a source of evil in the world?" Ray asked.

"You'd think from the headlines that there is, but I think this is just we mortal beings screwing up. I don't think there's an evil force that acts counter to God. God is all there is. If we screw up, we're supposed to learn a lesson. If others screw up, we're supposed to learn those lessons too. I think that's why we're here -- to grow, evolve, and learn. There's no right or wrong except what we make or define."

"Well, I'd say you have a good start on being spiritual," Ray said squeezing my hand. "Few people have thought through what you just rattled off. I'd like to talk more, but we have someone to meet regarding the last item on your list so far."

I asked, "The last item?" 

"Yes," he said. "You want to be a sharp dresser."

Ray led the way down the tower. My brain went into gear again, and I started to feel ashamed of what I'd said in my journal and how plainly I dressed. Further, I'd blurted out answers in ways I'd never done before. He was inspiring me to act unconventionally, and I wasn't sure I liked myself doing that. It wasn't a control issue; it was embarrassment.

As we started walking back to the car Ray said, "You have a tall order -- to stop thinking one way about yourself and start thinking another. Change your thinking; change your life. You have to unlearn some bad thinking habits you've developed." He turned to me and asked suddenly, "What are you thinking right now?"

"I'm sort of ashamed of how I feel. I'm not worthy of your attention."

He said, "The rest of the way back to the car, keep repeating the following phrase: 'I am worthy. I love myself. I can change to be anything I want to be. I make my own reality through what I think and believe.'" He waited while I repeated the statement aloud and then turned and started walking. I struggled to keep up as I repeated the statement.

I kept repeating the statement. At one point I thought I'd do it silently to myself; Ray yelled, "I can't hear you!" So I was forced to speak loudly as we walked the nature trail. When we got back to the car, I was almost hoarse, but I knew the words by heart.

As we got in the car Ray held the car door for me again. He said, "If you feel in doubt, ashamed, dependent, unworthy, or fearful, I want you to repeat that statement."

"I feel conceited -- selfish -- embarrassed," I admitted. "I don't like all this focus on 'me'."

"Stay there for a while until you love yourself," he said. "You don't love yourself and you don't feel worthy of attention -- that produces the embarrassment. Just believe that you do and repeat the words I told you."

We drove back to toward downtown. Ray pulled into the local Best Buy store and stopped. He turned off the car and looked at me.

"Huh?" I gestured.

"Go buy a keyboard. I'll wait," he said. He leaned back in the driver's seat and shut his eyes. He added from his relaxed position, "Oh, make sure it has eighty-eight keys on it and buy a sturdy stand for it."

I returned fifteen minutes later with a keyboard in a large box and a collapsible stand in my shopping cart. I knocked on the trunk of the car and Ray popped it open. He got out and helped me put the Casio keyboard and its stand in the trunk and carefully shut the hatchback door. I put the cart in the return slot and went to get in the car. Ray again held the door for me. Neither of us said anything. Ray started the car and drove another mile pulling into a music store.

He said, "There's a bulletin board with the names, addresses and phone numbers of piano teachers just inside the door on the left. Go get the names and contact information of three instructors that live near you." He handed me my journal and a pen. I accomplished his task and was back in the car in five minutes. Ray was waiting outside the car, so he could hold the car door for me. Again, we were silent as he pulled away. My brain started to tell me negative messages, and I repeated the mantra that Ray had given me.

We drove into one of the nicer parts of the City and Ray finally pulled up in front of a gorgeous home. I started to get out, but he stopped me; "Wait for me to come and open the door for you. Think of yourself as someone deserving to be waited on." He came around the car, opened the door for me, and then took my hand and helped me stand. "Welcome to my home," he said.

We walked in the front door, and I was immediately impressed with the décor and view over part of the Bay from this home. "Wow," was all I kept saying.

A beautiful dark haired woman in her mid-thirties came from the back of the house and walked towards us. Her casual clothing was stylish and made me feel it was exceptionally expensive and well chosen. "Joyce! Welcome. I'm Kim. I hope Ray has been kind to you today. He can be a tough mentor at times, believe me I know." She walked up and embraced me, giving me a full body hug. I stiffened and then wondered about the inadequacy of my clothing compared to hers and what was obviously my total lack of sophistication. I was a clod in the presence of beauty.

Kim said, "Come and have a glass of wine. You look remarkably relaxed for someone who's been hiking around the State Park all afternoon while being mentored by Ray." She laughed as she led the way towards the modern kitchen.

Kim didn't ask; she just poured me a glass of Merlot from an expensive looking bottle. She turned and handed it to me, allowing her hand to touch mine in the process. It was a seductive move, and I felt electrified by the touch. Ray watched and smiled. 

Ray poured himself a glass and then turned and gestured that we were to make a toast. "To Joyce, a woman who WILL become exactly who she wants to be." We all sipped our glass, and I had to admit embarrassment at being the object of his toast. The voices in my head tried to start up about how inappropriately dressed I was, how beautiful Kim was compared to me, how poor I was compared to the riches this couple had accumulated, how I wasn't even able to converse on their level.

Kim jarred me out of my negative thought pattern when she said to me, "Ray tells me you need some fashion help -- that you want to move beyond where you are now in buying clothes and in how you dress." Ray stood beside us nodding in agreement. "Let me assure you that how you dress influences your whole perception of yourself. If you dress routinely and without thought, your self-image suffers and people will not respond to you as you'd like. If you have the perfect outfit for each occasion, you'll change how you think about yourself -- you'll feel on top of the world, and people will react accordingly. It's like Feng Shui for the body."

I stammered out, "But you've been doing this all your life."

"Oh, no," Kim said. "My friend -- our friend -- Stacy taught me just a short while ago when she lived with us. Before that, I wasn't very self-assured and I really didn't think about how I dressed. I mostly wore sweats and sneakers and looked pretty down market; that's also how I thought of myself."

Kim stood back and looked at me objectively. "Come with me; we're going to have fun. Bring your wine. Ray can join us in about fifteen minutes." She treated the last statement instructionally as she turned to Ray; he nodded in agreement.

Kim led me up a grand staircase and through a majestic master bedroom. She cut through a walk-in closet and dressing area and into the master bathroom. She handed me a new towel from a towel rack. "Take a quick shower in there and then dry off and come back to the closet. Don't dress. I'm picking stuff for you to try on." I followed her instructions, reappearing a few moments later with the damp towel wrapped around my body. I had not washed my hair.

"Stacy, you and I are all about the same size," Kim said, "So we're going to try on some outfits. Tomorrow, we'll go through your closet and make a shopping trip." She grinned with wicked anticipation at the idea of a shopping trip and then handed me a skin-tone thong from Victoria Secret still in its new packaging; "Here, put this on."

"I ... I'm not ... I've never ... worn a thong," I finally blurted out.

"Well, you are now. You'll get used to in a few minutes and never want to go back. They do wonders for your panty lines, and they feel so sexy," Kim responded. I was missing my uninspiring cotton panties as I modestly unwrapped the small triangle of cloth, stepped into the thong, and pulled it up my legs while I clutched the towel to my upper body.

"Here, give me that towel," Kim said holding her hand out. I reluctantly let go of the towel. She looked over my near naked body and finally said, "Nice breasts, well proportioned to the rest of your body. You should be proud of them. Stand up a little straighter." I did, and my breasts thrust out more in front of me. "That's it," Kim said, "Nice dark areolae too. Good. Sexy;" the compliments and cool air of the bedroom made my nipples stand out.

Kim went on, "Well, I know you're cautious in your thinking and a computer jock. That would mean you're pretty organized. Ray said you've done some fancy programming, so you'd be smart and practical too, creative, open to new ideas -- at least professionally. This would place you as either an autumn or spring person. Let's see you have natural hair on the darker side of blond and deep blue-green eyes -- interesting how they change color in the light." She held up several colored blouses to my face.

Kim stopped and peered deep into my scalp and into my face. "You have some orange tones in your skin, but I wouldn't call it ruddy." She stopped and looked me over, walking behind me. "Nice ass too," she volunteered; "No wonder Ray likes you -- he's an ass man." She laughed, and I laughed too, partly in embarrassment; I did feel as though I was on the chopping block.

She finally announced, "I think you are basically an autumn person." She studied my face again then said, "Yes, definitely autumn. Good skin tone. Stacy was an autumn person too. Let's see what we can find for you." 

Kim led me down a short hallway to a spare bedroom and opened the closet doors. A rich assortment of clothing greeted us. Kim reached in and grabbed a rich aqua colored top. "Here, try this." I pulled it on over my head. I'd never worn anything aqua colored.

"Now for casual slacks, you could go back to your khaki's -- ideally, they'd be creamier in color, but what you have would be OK with this -- except they're too masculine. They should be tighter than you wear them and, well, not baggy. Look in the mirror there. See how the bright top brings out your skin tone. Here, let's try another."

Kim pulled a bright peach top from the closet and held it up in front of me. "Take that off," she said. As I did and passed the aqua top back to Kim, I saw Ray standing in the doorway watching us. He had a neutral expression on his face, as I stood clad only in the new thong. Something made it all right that I was on display for him. I just smiled at him, and he smiled back encouragingly. I accepted my embarrassment.

I slipped the peach top over my head and pulled it down past my breasts. I said, "This is a little tighter."

"Good," Kim said, "it'll show your assets off more. Don't be afraid to flaunt what you have. You're well endowed and that's good; plus the rest of you is trim." She turned to Ray, "What do you think?"

"Good color for her. She'd do well in oranges too and mid-range pastels, maybe a light green? She's autumn right?"

"Right," Kim answered him as she studied me. 

"Nice ass," Ray commented in his unexcited manner as I turned towards the mirror. I looked over my shoulder and grinned at him. I was becoming more relaxed in his company.

"You're hot," Kim told me. 

"I've never thought of myself that way and no one's ever told me that," I replied.

Ray offered, "You've got to think of yourself in a whole new way. You're a desirable person in every way imaginable -- mind, body, and spirit all work together. You are what you believe you are. Do you believe you're hot?"

I looked at myself in the mirror. My nipples were erect and clearly visible through the peach fabric. Beneath my flat stomach, some of my light colored pubic hair was visible around the edge of the thong. My legs were shapely. I liked what I saw, perhaps for the first time because Ray and Kim were coaching me in how to see myself. "Yes," I replied, "I think I might be ... hot that is."

Ray finally volunteered, "The timer went off on the oven. I took the lasagna out. I also set the table and I'm starved."

Kim pulled me towards the door, "Keep that on. Come, just as you, and we'll have dinner and talk."

I stammered, "But ... but ... I only have a thong on. My bottom is bare."

"Fine by me," Ray said as he turned and walked ahead of us and went downstairs towards the kitchen and dining area. 

Kim turned to me and spoke, "A 'hot' dish like you might occasionally eat in what you have on. Think of it that way. Be sexy. Get out of your comfort zone ... in mind, body, and spirit."

I followed Kim and Ray to the kitchen. As they finished the last of the preparations, I sat on one of the vinyl covered bar stools. The cool seat stimulated me since there was nothing between my ass and the stool. I realized partway through another glass of wine, that I was getting turned on, and I was wet in my nether region.

Kim and Ray worked well together, plus, they were affectionate with each other. The two often reached out to each other for just a touch or hug or occasional kiss. Often, a kiss was given as a reward for doing some small thing. As they finished putting things in the serving dishes, I put them on the table in front of the tall windows that opened onto the bay. When we were through and ready to sit down, both of them gave me a kiss to say thank you for my serving. I was embarrassed but liked the attention. Oddly enough, the voices in my head had little to say about the kisses other than appreciation; they were still dealing with being 'hot' and trying to insist that the word was never meant for me.

Our dinner conversation was lively and animated. I slowly learned about Ray's growing up in a supportive and encouraging environment, which both challenged him and rewarded him for critical thinking. I learned he had spent ten years in the financial services sector doing foreign exchange trading and that he was now 'retired' and finding ways to give back to the society that had rewarded him so handsomely. He still traded, but his own money on his own time. Much to my surprise, the multi-million dollar house we were in was fully paid for by his earnings.

Kim turned out to be an interior decorator; however, in some unique cases such as mine, she doubled as a personal fashion consultant. She'd had a lackluster career through her twenties until she met Ray and Stacy. The three of them lived together for five years and to hear Ray and Kim share the experience, it was almost spiritual. 

Their ménage a trois was certainly an interesting style of living and way of life that I'd never dreamed of. It seemed exceptionally supportive and giving as well as personally fulfilling. Our discussion wandered away from their threesome and left me with about a thousand questions I was curious about. I understood clearly; however, that the loving and sexual part of the relationship was shared equally between all members of the relationship.

As we ate there were several times the voices in my head woke up and talked to me. They were telling me how inadequate I was to be with dynamic people like this. Then my voices questioned how I was dressed -- or undressed at this occasion. They reminded me of my humble roots and tried to tell me many other messages. At one point, I repeated the mantra Ray had given me out loud, explaining why I was doing it; "I am worthy. I love myself. I can change to be anything I want to be. I make my own reality through what I think and believe." Both Ray and Kim encouragingly nodded to me.

Kim said to me shortly after that, "Joyce, it's hard to believe you create your own reality, but I assure you that you do. I work every day to reaffirm what you just said, and I try to live it minute by minute through everyday. Ray taught me to love myself and then to love others unconditionally. Through my making others worthy, I made myself worthy, including of my own self-love. Once I loved myself, I could love others -- like Ray and Stacy. I had to give up dragging a lot of the past along with me; I really try to live in the present moment -- not fretting about the past and not worrying about the future. Reality is not what you think; it's what you make it."

I asked, "How do you turn off your active mind -- all those messages? In my case, so many of them are negative and not supportive. When I'm at work they're all right, but any time I set out socially or go to have a social interaction, they start up and tell me some pretty negative things about myself."

Both Kim and Ray answered in unison, "We are conscious." They laughed at the coincidence of their responses.

Ray continued, "If you can teach yourself to hear the voices, to be aware of them -- to be conscious of them, then you realize there is another, more rational 'you' inside your head. This is the one that can say 'bullshit' when your mind starts to feed you negative messages, or tells you that you can't do something. It's the Spirit that says I refuse to believe or allow this negative limiting message. You'll be surprised at how fast those messages stop, at least at that instant."

Kim reached over and held my hand and squeezed it lovingly, "You've made a hell for yourself by listening to these messages. You can make a heaven for yourself by listening to another set of messages, about how you are loved, cared for, supported and valued in this Universe. The more you believe this; the more you make it true."

Each of their words came to me like refreshing breezes. I thrived on their advice as they explained further about their philosophy. I had not heard the term Carpe Diem until Kim explained it to me -- Seize the day. She said, "Really it should be seize the moment -- the 'Now' that we live in at this second. Give those moments your conscious attention and you can make them what you want them to be. Don't beat yourself up about the past and don't worry about the future; live in the 'Now.' One of our friends has a saying, 'Fate is what life deals you, and destiny is what you do with it.' You choose what to do minute by minute with what is before you."

We lingered around the dining table for over an hour after we finished enjoying coffees and a light dessert. Finally, Kim led me up to finish getting dressed. Kim insisted that I keep the blouse I'd been wearing. Ray said he'd drive me home. I let him open the car door for me as I got into the car and handed him my keys at my condo so he could open that door too. He helped me with my keyboard and stand, putting them just inside my door. As I turned to say goodnight, he pulled me to him gently and gave me a positively electric kiss. I kissed back and quite consciously told the voices in my head to keep very quiet while I enjoyed this moment. Carpe diem!




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 01



*

Kim came to my condo about ten o'clock the next morning to be my fashion consultant. She was ruthless. She went through every item of clothing I had, creating a huge pile on my bed destined for Goodwill. I had to admit the thong felt sexy, thus, all my underwear went into the trash. My bras were functional, but not uplifting enough to suit Kim. My sport clothes looked as if they'd been purchased at Goodwill; there was nothing salvageable. My blouses were too plain and most were not my color or 'sexy.' The men's shirts, she rated as unworthy of a feminine wardrobe. My slacks were too baggy, my shoes too functional and dreary, my few suits the wrong color and not stylish or trim enough, and my one bathing suit was more appropriate for someone fifty years older.

In the end, my closet and dresser drawers were almost bare. Kim pulled out a notepad, and we made of list of essentials that would get me through the following week, but with a completely new look. She and I filled seven large trash bags with my clothing and carried them to her car; there was no going back. We drove to a Goodwill bin and dropped the clothing off, and Kim drove us to a smart little restaurant where she treated me to lunch. 

As we talked over lunch, I felt myself relaxing further into her warmth. I could tell she really liked me. When the little voice in my head raised the possibility that I was a nerd and not worthy of having a friend like Kim, I focused for a few seconds and whispered, "I am worthy. I am loved, and I am loving. Kim is my friend, and I am her friend." I had tears in my eyes at one point but blinked them away.

Kim heard me and was quiet as we sat. She held my hand again. She asked when I came back to our conversation, "Was that your voices telling you that you're unworthy in some way?"

"Yes," I replied still blinking my teary eyes. I just think you and Ray will disappear as suddenly as you appeared in my life, and I'll be back to the nerdy person I am -- or was -- or whatever.

"Darling, you are worthy. I love you. Ray loves you. There's a world that wants to love you, if you let them." Kim came around the table to me and gave me a big hug and kiss. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My inner voices didn't know what to make of that. Somehow, the people in the restaurant didn't even notice.

"Thank you. Thank you both for all you're doing for me. I just can't ..." I started.

"No negative thoughts," Kim interrupted. "Just say 'Thank you,' and allow me to say, 'You're welcome.'"

After lunch, Kim drove us to the largest mall in the City. Over two hours later, we filled the trunk of her car with dozens of packages of new clothing that was smart, chic, sexy, and stylish. There were also four new pairs of shoes. Further, while I'd bought some of the clothing, Kim had insisted repeatedly, that I let her buy me this or that item she knew I 'I had to have' .

Kim checked her watch and, as we drove back towards her house, said, "Now for a special treat -- a surprise from Ray and me." She drove a few more miles as I pestered her about where we were going and pulled up in front of a large and very pricey day spa. "You are just going to love this," she said as she pulled me into the building.

A beautiful receptionist dressed in a black blouse, stovepipe slacks and with three-inch heels met us and gave Kim a hug and kiss on both cheeks. In a beautiful European accent she asked, "Is this our special project?" She smiled at me warmly. Kim and I both nodded.

"Come with me," the receptionist said, "We'll start with your hair removal." A half hour later I had no superfluous hair on my body. At Kim's insistence my bikini area was smoothed away completely, an embarrassing event, but Kim assured me it was totally necessary. Stray bits of other body hair had been searched for and destroyed as well. My hope of a good moustache was gone as well.

Kim and I then spent about a half hour in the spa's sauna; I think I was medium rare when we finally left the hot room for the shower. Another half hour and I basked in the pleasure of a pedicure and manicure like none I'd ever had. Kim joined me for these events as she freshened her own nails. Then we spent about forty minutes in a relaxing massage, and then mud pack, complete with cucumbers on my eyelids. I actually fell asleep having delightful (even sexual) dreams. The spa attendant woke me and finished my part of those treatments and told me Kim was waiting for me in the salon.

Kim introduced me to Antonio, the spa's hairdresser. He was marvelous and very supportive as he started to work on my dark locks. A twist and snip here and there, some washing and blowing, some mousse and suddenly I had a different look. I'd watched it materialize as the three of us talked, but I couldn't believe the result. 

As I sat in the salon chair, a woman named Margaret came over with a large makeup kit. She spent a few minutes analyzing my skin and talking about the careful application of eye makeup, rouge, and other facial products. She then spent twenty minutes doing my makeup as she recommended, talking all through the applications about how beautiful my facial features were and how she liked the way my cheekbones angled with my jaw. I accepted the compliments.

Kim had brought in some of my new clothes and shoes from the car. In the dressing room, I changed into cream-colored slacks, an expensive mango blouse, and light tan high heels. Further, she produced a pair of real diamond earrings from her purse that stopped me in my tracks. I put her earrings on to complete my ensemble.

As I stood looking at myself in the floor-to-ceiling mirror of the changing room, I couldn't believe the makeover. I actually broke out crying. My God, this woman was gorgeous. I couldn't believe I looked this way for the first time in my life! I turned and hugged Kim with tears in my eyes. She looked like a proud mother. Margaret dabbed at my face with a Kleenex explaining to me as she did how to repair tear marks on my facial makeup. 

The voices in my head were going crazy telling me I was inadequate to the occasion; that I was a pretender and an imposter -- all this was all no more than a Halloween makeover. I closed my eyes and repeated the words 'Not helpful' about a dozen times before I made my thoughts of low self worth temporarily go away. Kim was watching me when I opened my eyes; she must have known what had transpired for she reached over and squeezed my hand in a loving gesture again.

We got back to Kim and Ray's house about seven o'clock. Ray was dressed in a tuxedo and welcomed me into his arms with a serious kiss, and a very loud 'Wow!' Kim watched us and looked pleased with how we greeted each other and I didn't feel guilty in the least about his attentions. I just appreciated the moment, although, I couldn't help wondering what she thought and why she smiled. I paused for a moment, and noted that I actually felt deserving of attention and flattery. How unusual!

Kim scampered off to change her clothes while Ray produced glasses of wine for each of us. I took Kim's glass into the bedroom for her; she was in the dressing room and yelled out her thanks as I left it on her dresser. Back in the kitchen, Ray gave me his full attention as I told him about the day -- weeding out my clothes, the lunch, shopping, and the spa and salon. He really was interested. He held my hands as I talked, and I enjoyed the physical contact. When Kim appeared twenty minutes later, she looked chic and sexy. She brought me a scarf that I could put around my neck to complement the outfit I wore. I kept looking at myself in their hall mirror to make sure who I was looking at.

"It's so much easier to love this me than the 'me' that arrived here yesterday," I said over my shoulder to Kim and Ray as we stood in the hallway. "I can't thank you enough for this makeover. I feel different -- even worthy. Now I just have to keep the voices at bay and change my thinking so I can change my life."

Ray escorted the two of out to his car and held the car doors for us as we got in. He announced, "We're going to the Club tonight. It's a special occasion. It's Joyce's 'Coming Out' dinner and dance."

The Club was the City's yacht club, and they provided us a dinner I shall never forget. I was fawned over and waited on as if I were the most important person in the world. Many Club members came by the table so that Ray or Kim could introduce me to them. I felt embarrassed at first, but slowly got used to the introductions and attention. I noted that many enquired about Stacy, and how she was doing in California. Many had the same air of curiosity about Ray, Kim, and Stacy that I had.

The live band was very good I thought. Not only did Ray dance with me, we danced as a threesome. Several members of the club also invited me to dance with them. I was clearly a hit and was enjoying my newfound popularity. 

The voices in my head occasionally screamed "imposter, fraud, you're inadequate, and pretender." I'd feel myself slipping into that unhappy state and pull myself away. I repeated 'Not helpful' to my thoughts, on another occasion, I repeated Ray's mantra, on another, I just told myself that this is 'Now' and there's no reason for me to feel anything but joy at this moment: most of the time it worked. Ray sensed a couple of times I was in a down mood and talked me through it with some very uplifting words and a nuzzled kiss that took my thoughts off in a completely different direction for a moment. 

I thought at one point how different I felt from forty-eight hours earlier. I think I had built my own hell and now, suddenly, I'd found this wonderful heaven. Overall, I was laughing and having a happy time -- possibly the best time in my life!

The crowd at the Club thinned out about eleven o'clock, partly because it was an older crowd. Ray indicated that we would leave too and go back to the house. Again, he played the perfect gentleman and held the car doors for us.

Back at the house I suddenly wondered how I'd get home since I'd been with Kim all day and many of my packages were still in the back of her car. When I raised the question, mentioning that I didn't want to impose and I could get a taxi, Kim came and held me closely to her in a big hug.

She pulled away and kissed me tenderly on the lips. I automatically kissed back, and then my brain went into orbit and my thoughts scrambled. Kim said, "Joyce, Ray and I would like you stay with us tonight. We want to love you and have you love us. You can set the pace and define whatever that means to you."

"I ... I don't ... I can't ..." I sputtered words for at least a minute as my brain reloaded the algorithms that allowed me to talk and apply logic to the situations before me. Kim maintained her embrace with me, but allowed me to look at her face to face. Ray came and joined in our hug by putting his arms around both of us.

I finally managed to gather my wits. I stammered, "I'm not sure I'm capable of what you want. I've never had a relationship -- with anyone -- ever! I don't know what it means to love or be loved, certainly not in a physical sense. Oh, I know about the birds and the bees and that that's part of it, but ... well, I just don't know what to do."

"Then just relax and let us love you and you do what you feel comfortable with," Ray said. "We'll take it slow and easy, and if you feel things are too slow or too fast, you say so." He looked at me with his instructional inquisitiveness again.

"Maybe," I tentatively replied.

"Good," he said. "Come and cuddle with me on the sofa." He looked at Kim and added, "With us." He pulled me from our group hug to the large sofa that looked out across the bay. Kim dimmed the lights in the room and then disappeared towards the kitchen. The moon was setting, and the lights from the homes and condos on the other side of the bay looked so special.

Ray sat and pulled me close beside him. He'd removed his jacket and tie, down to his dress shirt. He put his arm around my shoulders and turned me to face him. With one hand he reached up and held my chin and then leaned in and kissed me again. It was a heavenly warm and loving kiss that stirred me in every corner of my body. I kissed back. I really liked kissing him. I hoped that Kim wouldn't be mad at me.

Then I felt his tongue probe at my lips. He was going to French kiss me and I'd never had this done before, at least that I could remember. His tongue danced with mine and teased me to return the gesture to him. I did this too, experimentally at first and then I got into the spirit of the activity. He tasted good to me.

My thoughts were racing, telling me I was being used, all he wanted was sex, I was not good at kissing, and certainly not French kissing, and that I was insulting Kim and her wifely rights -- but they weren't married. I tried to argue with my thoughts, but these wouldn't go away. Finally, I pulled away; "What about Kim?" I asked.

Kim was standing in front of us with a smile on her face and a tray with three glasses of wine on it. She set the tray down and sat beside me on the sofa. Much to my surprise she reached up and gently held my face in her hands and kissed me on the lips again, and again, and again. Then we French kissed, and I noted that she tasted good as well. No one had said anything for many minutes.

I turned back to Ray to see what he was thinking about my romantically kissing his wife. Ray pulled me into a comfortable embrace where I was cuddled against his shoulder in the dim light. "Joyce, have you ever heard of the word 'compersion'?"

"No. What's it mean?"

"It means taking joy in the joy that your loved ones find in loving each other," Ray explained. "I am happy -- joyous -- that you and Kim kissed and loved one another. She feels that way when we kiss."

Kim said, "It's the opposite of jealousy. And just so you hear it from me, I am happy when Ray and you kiss. And if you go further, I'll be happy about that too, providing you are both happy with what you do together. I hope you'll both share it with me, but if you don't that's all right too."

Ray nodded in agreement.

"You both ... you've given me so much to think about," I said. "I never thought I'd be feeling what I feel or thinking what I've been thinking today. Please ... just give me some time to get comfortable with this."

Both of them leaned in and kissed me on my cheeks. We laughed together and sipped our wines. Then we were quiet and watched the half-moon settle into the horizon across the bay. 

I snuggled into Ray's shoulder, and I held Kim as she snuggled into me. Gradually, I fell asleep feeling warm and loved -- for the first time in my life.

*

I awoke the next morning with a start. I was alone on Ray and Kim's sofa, a nice pillow tucked under my head, and a sheet and light blanket covering me. I was still dressed in my evening garb except for my shoes. I wondered whether my lovely hairdo and makeup had survived my sleeping on them through the night.

My inner voices kicked in immediately with their usual string of demeaning statements: "You were visiting someone and fell asleep on them -- how irresponsible! My God, you kissed both of them -- what are you weird? A lesbian? You're fostering relationship infidelity by kissing Ray -- you're bad! What makes you think they'll still respect you this morning after how you behaved last night? You're not worthy of having friends like them." They went on and on. I tried to quiet them with the mantra and some other words, but was unsuccessful.

Then I realized that I was listening to the voices, but for the first time I felt distant from them, as though I was an observer or distant listener to them. I could care about them -- or not. They were almost more of a curiosity to some deeper real me than the usual foreground thoughts that ruled my life. After a while in this new state, I muttered 'Shut up' to the voices and I repeated aloud Ray's mantra: "I am worthy. I love myself. I can change to be anything I want to be. I make my own reality through what I think and believe."

The house was very quiet. I could tell no one else was up and about but me. I stretched and thought with delight of all the things that had happened the previous two days. Kim was so nice to me -- and Ray. I really did feel close to them; the first people I'd ever felt that way about. Even as I was conscious, I worried about being worthy of their friendship.

I got up and found the powder room and freshened up, then went to the kitchen and poked around until I found the makings for coffee, juice, and pancakes. I really got into cooking and created quite a breakfast for the three of us. I decided I would serve them breakfast in bed so I made up a tray with the results of my handiwork.

I carefully carried the tray upstairs and then knocked on the door of the master bedroom with my foot. "Hello in there. Anyone awake? I have a surprise for you."

I heard mutterings and sputtering from inside and then Ray's voice said sleepily, "Come on in."

I opened the door. The room was dimly lit. But, I could see the two of them starting to stir about in the big king-size bed and starting to sit up.

"I am your humble servant, and I have fixed you a grand breakfast," I announced cheerfully. 

"Oh, great," Kim said as she sat up. "This is wonderful!"

I immediately noticed that she was naked from the waist up, and I presumed she was entirely nude. Then Ray's body appeared as he sat up, and he was in the same state of undress. Why hadn't I thought about how they slept? 'Dummy ...' The voices were back.

I stood there holding the tray and wondering what to do. Ray saw my discomfort and said, "Here, Joyce. Set the tray down in my lap ... and then pull up those blinds to let in the morning sun." I passed the tray to him and went and raised the shades. Kim was rubbing her eyes to erase the sleep. She looked so beautiful ... and Ray so handsome as I watched them. I found the thought of their nudity exciting and stimulating.

Kim said, "Please sit and join us. Did you eat? Did you find everything you needed? I hope it was OK that we tucked you in here last night. You were so asleep and looked so pretty; we didn't want to disturb you further with a drive home." She seemed oblivious to her nudity, so I tried to ignore it too.

"Oh, it was fine and I slept so well. I had such a good time yesterday -- really, ever since I met Ray at last week's party. Thank you both so much." I sat on the edge of the bed near Ray's feet.

Ray was already halfway through his stack of pancakes. He said, "These are great. We should keep you around here all the time. We never do this, and I love it. Thank you, Darling."

It was a Sunday, a day I usually cleaned my condo, paid bills, and got a little bit better organized about work. Ray said, "We have the rest of the day. I propose we do some beach stuff before the heat of the day arrives and then come back here and appreciate the air conditioning and see what other ideas we can come up with."

Kim looked at me and nodded. "You have a new bathing suit to try," she reminded me. She took another bite of her pancakes.

Ray said to me as he sipped his coffee, "One of the things that will help your self-esteem, is to do some things that push you out of your comfort zone, not just once, but over and over again. I have a couple of ideas we could try down by the beach if you agree."

I said, "I agree, but how will those help?"

Ray said, "You've created a sheltered life for yourself based on your erroneous assumptions that you aren't worthy. You don't take risks, and so you stopped growing some time ago, at least in some important areas of your life. You're timid and believe you're not up to anything but the most expected and predictable tasks. I suspect you're like this at work too. If you can learn to cope with the unexpected, it builds self-confidence to move into new and risky areas of life. You succeed, and it becomes a bootstrap process building your self-confidence, your self-esteem, and your ability to take on life's challenges even more. You will stop feeling inadequate to the day and start to feel like you're really on top of things." 




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 01



Kim nodded in agreement and added, "Do it. Take on the challenge of stepping out of your comfort zone. You'll be amazed at what happens in your life and how you feel about life."

I nodded my understanding and agreement to take on their challenge. "I'll try whatever it is -- I guess, but I hope you guys will hold my hand." They both nodded in agreement.

Kim put her plate back on the tray and slid from the bed. Her trim nude form walked down the hall towards the master bath. I marveled at her beauty and noted that I found seeing her entirely naked exciting. 

Ray duplicated her move with his plate and cup. "Time to get ready," he said. "Give us a few minutes and we'll be ready." He slid from the bed right in front of me, his nude body becoming completely revealed to me as he drew back the covers. I inhaled and held my breath. This was the first naked male I had ever seen. Almost as if he knew this, he paused and let me take in the magnificence of his trim and muscular body, as well as his manhood. I admit to casting more than several glances at his swaying morning erection. Then he sauntered off towards the bathroom as well. I flushed with both embarrassment and excitement.

I gathered the tray and carried it back downstairs to the kitchen. I cleaned up a little and then went to Kim's car in their garage and found the package with my new swimsuit that I'd bought the day before. I changed in the powder room noting that the swimsuit was much, much, much more daring than anything I'd every worn before -- talk about being outside my comfort zone!

When I came out of the powder room, Kim was similarly dressed and pulling beach towels from a hallway closet. "Oh you look darling. Every eye on the beach is going to be on you. You are 'sex appeal' personified in a colorful suit. I love it"

"There's not much of it," I commented, as I looked down at all my exposed skin. "Do you think it shows too much of me? Will people laugh? Am I a turn off?"

"Hardly," Ray said as he walked into the hallway. "I love your suit. Of course, I'd love it even more if it and you were in separate rooms, but I'll take what I can get." Kim punched him in the arm with a mock attempt at anger.

As we drove to the beach, Ray talked about my first challenge. "We are going to do something you've seen hundreds of people do, particularly around this City." About the time, he finished his comment he turned into a parking space in front of a shop that rented jet skis. I raised my eyebrows.

Fifteen minutes later, wearing a life vest over my bikini, each of us sat astride a jet ski. Mine was bright red with white stripes. We motored slowly out of the marina into the vast expanse of Sarasota Bay. Ray opened up the throttle of his machine and pulled away from us. I then heard Kim's engine start to race and watched as she chased him a hundred or so feet behind him. I slowly pulled the throttle in until I was going at least a little faster, but not near fast enough to stay up with them.

Then I listened to a new voice in my head. It encouraged me to be brave and take a risk, to move out of my comfort zone. I pulled the throttle all the way in and held on for dear life. My jet ski rose up out of the water and accelerated forward over the small waves left behind by Kim's jet ski. My heart was in my throat, and I was afraid I'd die if I hit the slightest wave, yet I kept the throttle wide open and accelerated ever faster as each second ticked by. 

Suddenly, I realized I was passing Kim. I quickly glanced over at her; she was grinning widely at me. We both shrieked with joy as we paced one another. I took my machine over the wake left by Ray's machine, gaining new confidence as I sped to catch up with him. He looked back at me and then pumped his left hand in the air in a gesture of support and congratulations to me for my speed. We both yelled.

We sped about the bay, occasionally jumping the wakes of the bigger powerboats that cruised by. I could feel the self-confidence pouring into my body each second. This was fun. I would have never thought to do something like this alone. Eventually, we motored back into the marina and returned the rental machines. 

I was actually exhilarated by the past hour. "Ray, you are a dear," I said as I hugged him to me. "Thank you. I would never have done anything like this. That was soooooo much fun." He laughed, as did Kim who was standing next to me. They both were joyful over my excitement.

"Now we have an even greater challenge," Ray said as we got into the car. He turned to both Kim and I and said, "Our next adventure is one that will test both your fears and blockages in many ways." He refused to answer with his enigmatic smile again as we drove down the main street of the populated key we were on. 

A mile up the road he turned into parking lot where the sign said, "Para-Sailing." My heart was in my throat again. I'd been in an airplane a few times, but tried not to think about the act of flying and all that it implied about physics, life, and sudden death. Fifteen minutes later the three of us sat in the small powerboat as it cruised out into the Gulf of Mexico where each of us would get a chance to parasail. I was holding onto Ray's arm for dear life.

I asked, "Do I really have to?"

He nodded, "Yes."

"Can I be last?"

"Yes?"

"What if I fall?" I asked.

"Can you swim?" He asked.

"Yes."

"Then swim."

My voices of fear and anxiety kicked into high gear. Even Kim looked a nervous over her solo flight on the little padded seat.

The charter operator gave us all a demonstration of some of the safety equipment and talked about what we should do in the unlikely event we ended in the water. We also learned some basic hand signals. I was not inspired. 

Ray said he would go first. He donned the safety vest and the harness. Suddenly, a large parachute deployed off the back of the slowly moving boat and then Ray was whisked into the air. He laughed and cheered as he disappeared into the sky above us as he rose from the back deck of the boat. He went higher and higher until he truly was just a speck in the sky tethered at the end of a very long cable with that huge parachute holding him up. 

The boat motored along parallel to the long beach. Eventually, the wench was reversed and Ray then recaptured from his aerial loft. As he got back in the boat, the aide unsnapped him and then snapped the lines and parachute onto Kim's harness as she sat on the small padded plank that served for a seat. Ray was vocally extolling the virtues of his short trip and saying how wonderful it all was. I was skeptical.

Kim had a slight panicked look on her face as the parachute plucked her up into the sky. Then she screamed with delight and joy, and disappeared to the heights the way Ray had. I watched her with an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach that I would have to be next. I wondered if it would be all right if I barfed from the parasail.

As Kim floated in the sky high above and behind the boat, the aide checked my harness and safety gear. He then turned on the wench to slowly reel Kim back to the boat. As her feet touched back on the boat, the aide unsnapped her from the parasailing apparatus and gestured me into position. 

The parachute was snapped to my harness, the seat put under my rump, and then suddenly I was airborne. I screamed with panic holding onto the parachute lines with white knuckles. I could see Ray and Kim smiling and laughing at me as I was launched ever higher into the sky. I think my heart rate hit a thousand beats per minute.

I yelled periodically as I rose into the sky away from the earth, "Oh my God, I'm flying. I am so brave. I can do this. I can cheat death." I actually cried at one point I was so happy then cried in panic then laughed with joy. So many emotions ran through me in such a short time. I thought the jet skis were exhilarating; they were tame compared to being suspended beneath a parachute six hundred feet in the sky.

I looked around. I could see for miles. I was much higher than the treetop tower Ray had taken me to only two days earlier. I think I could actually see the Atlantic Ocean -- I was looking all the way across Florida to its other side. I looked down and tried to keep from panicking because there was nothing beneath my feet but air.

Then my ride started to end. I slowly felt myself being retrieved from my sky perch. I got lower and lower, and closer and closer to the boat. 

Then suddenly I was back in the boat and in Ray's arms. He kissed me and held me at arms length and asked, "Well?"

"I never wanted it to end," I shouted as I hugged him. "THAT was wonderful." I pulled Kim into our group hug. I was so excited I could barely sit still all the way back to the dock we'd left from. I babbled about my ride and how I'd always remember the feeling of swooping and diving, and rising on the breezes, and screaming and praying and ... just everything. Kim too was bubbling over with excitement over the parasail ride. It had been her first too.

Ray and Kim laughed, and we had an animated drive to Long Beach where the three of us went running into the low surf screaming with delight and happiness. I was so elated. We swam and splashed around, still talking about our two rides of the day. 

Late in the afternoon, we drove by my condo and I picked up my car and followed Kim and Ray back to their house. We all went diving into their pool to wash the beach sand and saltwater from our bodies then sat on their back patio and talked.

"Kim," I asked, "How do you always know what to wear? What colors go with what?"

She laughed, "It's simple -- I take a critical look at myself in a mirror. Most people don't; they check their hair and perhaps whether they have a piece of spinach in their teeth, but they don't really look at themselves and ask 'is this the way I want to go into the outside world? Is this the impression I want to make? Is this my best foot forward?'"

"So many people don't dress well," I said, "Do they all miss the boat?"

"Yes," Kim responded. "I think they settle for a low self-image. I've always believed that 'like attracts like,' so if you want nicely dressed people around you, then you need to be nicely dressed."

I nodded agreement.

She went on, "There's more. You can improve your self-image by dressing better and if you have a good self-image, I think you dress better. It's a two-way street. Is Ray successful because he dresses well, or does he dress well because he's successful? The answer is both! You have to do both and think both ways."

Kim asked, "You've been suffering from low self-esteem for years. How did you dress during that time?"

I shook my head, "Not too well. Look at the pile we made on my bed yesterday. That was how I dressed. I'd probably revert except all that stuff is now on the racks at Goodwill. Maybe I'll stop and buy some of it back." I grinned to show I was only kidding.

Kim told me, "From now on, try to dress two levels higher than you would have for whatever you plan to do. For instance, when you go to work don't think 'I need to wear something functional that'll just get me through the day.' Instead dress as though you are going to meet the Queen at the end of the day and won't have a chance to change. At first, it'll seem uncomfortable, and out of place, but over time, watch what happens around you in the office --how people respond to you and you to them."

"Even though I'm just sitting at a computer most of the day?" I asked.

"Most definitely," Kim answered. "Try it this week. See what happens."

Ray had been lying quietly beside us listening to our conversation. Suddenly he spoke, "Joyce, you have avoided social situations in the past. I believe one way you did this was by hiding behind your computer. Do you agree?"

I nodded and whispered, "Yes."

"Each day this week while you are at work -- at least five times during the week -- I would like you to create a social situation that you otherwise would not have had: ask a colleague for help or volunteer to help them; suggest lunch with someone; or ask someone to have a drink after work or just have coffee together. Do you understand?"

"Yes. That'll be a tall order for me," I said. "It's harder because you're asking me to be the initiator."

"Well," Ray said with a smile, "What do you have to talk about after today?"

I grinned and replied, "Jet skis and parasailing."

"RIGHT," Ray shouted across the bay. "And remember the Law of Circulation that we talked about a couple of days ago." Kim nodded knowingly, apparently recalling a similar conversation.

Ray stood, his trim frame silhouetted against the sky. "I am about to create a Mexican masterpiece for dinner. Would anyone care to bring their pretty bikini butts into the kitchen to keep me company? I can guarantee some great margaritas too." 

Kim and I rose and followed Ray into the house.

Two hours later, we sat in the kitchen eat-in area, still in our bathing suits, but full of Ray's spicy enchiladas, taco chips and queso dip, as well as a generous number of margaritas. We were all laughing and having fun thinking about what else should be on my 'to do' list to build my self-confidence and self-esteem. Some of the suggested entries included climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, a safari, skiing in Chile, surfing in Baja after a hurricane, running a marathon, or doing a triathlon, bungee jumping, and sky diving (now that I'd mastered parasailing). We examined each one commenting on the role it would play in my self-development.

We cleared the table, and with three of us the dirty dishes and cookware got cleaned and put away in a flash. Ray suggested the hot tub and Kim readily agreed. I was naïve on the subject, but it sounded good. The three of us strolled out into the warm evening. Much to my unease, Ray and Kim both stripped off their swimsuits and naked, lowered themselves into the bubbling spa. They both looked back at me. I'm sure I had that deer in the headlights look.

I slowly undid my bikini bra and draped it over a deck chair then stepped out of my briefs. The night air felt exciting on my nude body, but perhaps that was just my imagination. I walked over to the in-ground spa and slid into the unit between Kim and Ray. 

I had rarely felt myself a sexual being, but between the two of them, naked and feeling mellow, I felt my sex. The bubbles kicked up by the jets of the spa circled around my body, even stimulating the area between my legs. If I weren't in the spa, I knew I would have felt the sexual moisture between my legs that I rarely admitted to experiencing.

The three of us were silent for a while, just putting our heads back and looking up at the stars and the waxing half moon.

I felt Ray slide over beside me, his leg touching mine and bringing me back from my reverie. "Joyce," he said, "There's something else you need to experience that we haven't talked about." He looked into my eyes, and I knew instantly what he was proposing. I glanced at Kim, and she nodded encouragingly to me.

I said with a touch of embarrassment, "I'm a virgin." I thought for a moment and added, "I'm a virgin in so many ways. You are the first man I've kissed," I looked over at Kim and added, "And woman. I've never petted or necked or made out. No one has ever touched me in an intimate way, and I've never touched a man or a woman in an intimate way." I put my face into my wet hands, "I'm so embarrassed -- and I guess scared."

I felt Ray's arms go around me. There was no groping, just his embrace as he pulled me against his nude body. Kim came close to us too, and I felt her kiss on my cheek just before I reopened my eyes. 

She said, "Being inexperienced is nothing to be embarrassed about. You decide what you want to do or not do, but we're going to start to introduce you to this rather important aspect of life."

With that, Ray lifted me up out of the spa and carried me over to one of the large padded loungers on the pool deck. Kim followed and nestled in beside me.

Ray whispered, "Close your eyes Joyce. Just enjoy the next few moments. Focus on nothing else other than your own pleasure. Don't let negative thoughts rob you of this sweet moment." I shut my eyes and then felt Kim's hot breath on my breast and then her tongue encircling my nipple. I guess my tip hardened quickly, because suddenly I felt her suck the nub into her mouth. A feeling of pleasure swept through my body resulting from her action. I think I pushed my chest towards her mouth.

Then, an even greater pleasure came over me. Ray had spread my legs slightly, and I suddenly realized he had just licked my entire pussy, from one end to the other. "Oh God," I muttered. A feeling of real ecstasy swept through me and I know I tilted my pelvic area towards his mouth. 

Ray's tongue licked again, only this time the target was clear -- my clitoris. "Oh God," I said again -- about ten times -- as he pushed and prodded with his tongue on that little nubbin of flesh that I'd kept so hidden all these years. Then suddenly, I felt myself squirt and I came. I hadn't felt an orgasm in years; I hadn't allowed myself that pleasure since I'd been a freshman in college. Now, however, that elated sensation of pleasure swept through me. I groaned in pleasure into the night sky as I put my hands on Ray's head and held his head motionless against my pussy.

He was patient and gave me time to come down from my high. He started to lick me again, this time, driving his tongue in and out of my vaginal opening. I knew I was flooding with female fluid, and I wanted to say something, but Ray was so enthusiastic about what he was doing through the middle of all those emissions, that I just decided to be quiet. I opened my eyes several times to watch Kim licking, biting, and sucking on my breasts and Ray, as he made love to my pussy. Even in the dim light of the deck, the whole scene was erotic beyond description.

I couldn't believe the feelings of pleasure, ecstasy, bliss, rapture, and excitement that kept washing over my naked body. Several times, a voice would start in my head and I just shut it down instantly. As Ray had said, I wanted nothing more for these moments than the experience itself.

Ray made me come again. I think I ejaculated some more fluid, but he was unfazed by it. Kim and Ray changed places. Kim inserted two of her delicate fingers into my tight cunt and slowly moved them around as she licked and sucked on my clitoris and labial lips. Ray cupped one breast and fondled the nipple as he sucked and licked the other. I wondered why I had denied myself this pleasure all these years, but then refocused on enjoying the moment.

My cunt was sopping wet. I liked thinking that I had a cunt -- a pussy -- a cunny. I'd only ever used the medical terms for my private areas. This experience was too good, too grand, and too heavenly to use that vocabulary. 

I thought to myself as I tousled Ray's hair as he sucked on my breast, I want to lose my virginity to this man -- tonight -- now. I want his penis, no his cock -- his rod, in me. I finally said to him, "Ray, please make love to me: Now!"

He brought his head up and kissed me most tenderly on my lips. We French kissed, and he lingered there for a long time. Kim maintained her ministrations on my pussy, bringing pleasure to me every second that she was there. 

Ray pulled away, and I felt Kim move as well. For a fleeting second, I thought I was being abandoned, but then I felt Ray kneel on the lounger between my legs. I felt Ray's fingers gently enter my body. He was not rough, and I knew this would be a pleasurable experience. I could feel him pulling some of my lubricating fluid out of my vagina and spreading it over his cock. Next, I felt the tip of his cock as he directed it up and down along my slit.

He was gentle as he found my opening -- my vagina. He pushed into me, and I pushed up into him. I could feel him come up against a stop part way into me and then, there was a brief tweak of pain and he was deeper into me. He moved slowly; with loving concern for me -- I could tell. I opened my eyes, and we watched each other as he worked himself deeper and deeper into me. Then he was totally embedded in me. He leaned down, and we kissed. 




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 01



Kim was holding me, and then we were kissing too. She told me, "You are so lucky. Ray is such a good lover. He's kind, considerate, and gentle. You need never worry about being hurt by him -- physically or emotionally; or me, Joyce, I love you."

Ray said, "Joyce, I love you too." He leaned down and kissed my forehead and then my cheek.

My eyes filled with tears. No one had ever told me that, not even my parents. My God, I was loved. I'M LOVED! Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks as I smiled at the two of them. I hugged Kim to me and kissed her.

Ray started gentle pumping motions as he moved his engorged cock in and out of my pussy. I was flooding. I could feel the fluids leaking around our union and lubricating me. I was meant for this. I was meant for fucking -- for making love, for having sex, for intercourse, for screwing. The initial discomfort of his penetration seemed to be passing. This was actually becoming enjoyable. I was beginning to understand sex for the first time in my life. 

Kim fondled my breasts as we kissed. She also kissed Ray as they moved about my body. I enjoyed the sensations they were giving me, not to mention the sight pictures I had of them tending to my nude body. 

After about ten minutes Ray asked, "Do you happen to be on the pill?"

I replied, "Oh, no! I never thought I'd have sex in my life. I never expected to be loved by anyone. No."

He nodded at me with a loving smile and said, "Then excuse me while I share myself with Kim."

Kim heard our words and rolled to her side beside me. She opened herself to him, pulling her legs up as he pulled out of me and shifted to be in front of her. I watched as in one smooth move he sank to his full depth into her. I couldn't believe she could take such a mass -- or for that matter that I had too only seconds earlier.

The two of them kissed and loved as their pace increased. The sound of their bodies slapping together echoed around the patio in the evening air. We were in the near dark, so there was no chance we'd be seen, even by adjacent neighbors; instead, I was now the voyeur, watching as my dearest friends copulated right in front of me.

The slap, slap, slap continued and then I heard Ray warn, "I'm near. I'm there." I watched Kim as she nodded at him. Her hips rose to meet his as he made a few, last thrusts into her. I was fascinated watching them make love right next to me. I even reached over and smoothed Ray's back and then one of Kim's breasts as they fucked. Kim clenched my hand to her breast and then moaned as her orgasm arrived. It felt awkward, but I stayed in position.

I could tell Ray's orgasm had arrived too, for his back arched in an almost unnatural way and he made a final lunge into Kim's body. Their bodies hung in space, pushed into one another, for almost half a minute. They Ray collapsed atop Kim's panting form. He reached out and pulled me against the two of them.

"Joyce, Kim, I love you both dearly," he said.

Kim looked at Ray and stroked his face. She said, "I love you" as she looked into his eyes. What a wonderful couple. 

Suddenly, I wondered what I was doing there. My voices returned with a vengeance. "You slut -- you let him fuck you. You lost your virginity. They don't love you; they're just using you for sex. You're their fuck toy. My God, you're a lesbian too -- you kissed a woman and touched her and let her touch you." They were getting set to start on round two, when I closed my eyes and repeated Ray's mantra aloud, "I am worthy. I love myself. I can change to be anything I want to be. I make my own reality through what I think and believe."

Suddenly, I was surrounded by flesh. Ray and Kim sandwiched me between their naked bodies, each throwing a leg over one of mine. Ray's wet flaccid penis lay across my hip. "Joyce," he said, "We love you. Just accept that -- don't question it. You don't even have to love us back. I know this is all new for you. Don't let those dark voices in your head tell you that you're a bad person, or that you did something wrong here. You didn't."

Kim spoke to me too, whispering in my ear her affection and how she'd felt when she'd lost her virginity. This is so much better and more romantic and loving, she assured me. 

I nodded to their words and pulled them both to me and held them tightly. In my head I silently repeated to myself, "I have to change. I have to change. I have to change."



The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 02



Readers, by starting here you have missed some significant events and a necessary understanding of the characters in the story. You should start this story from the beginning. This is the second of four parts. (My thanks to Jeriscol for his editing.)

*

Eventually, I'd gone home very late that Sunday night. I had to convince Kim and Ray that I was all right emotionally and that I wouldn't let my internal voices sweep me away. I brought all my packages too. I was keyed up and savoring the entire weekend, especially the sex. Since I wasn't sleepy, I put everything carefully away and even picked out the new outfit I would wear to the office the next morning. I think it was two o'clock when I finally put my head on my own pillow.

Needless to say, I thought a lot about Ray and Kim and all the things we'd done over the weekend -- particularly losing my virginity. I actually did feel more self-confident. Further, when I thought of my two lovers, I felt all warm and wooly inside. I was surprised that I didn't feel sore from my deflowering, but I guess Ray had been careful enough so that I wouldn't be. I made a mental note to get some birth control pills; who'd have thought I'd ever need them.

I awoke amazingly refreshed at seven-thirty. I'd had some active and vivid dreams but had trouble remembering them. I knew at least one dream had been sexual with an orgasm involved. I thought I should start sleeping in the nude rather than the grubby t-shirts I'd been using and that Kim had allowed me to keep.

I showered and then started getting dressed in my completely new wardrobe. The thong and uplift bra were the starters. I then spent twenty minutes working on my hair and makeup -- about twenty times longer than what I had normally spent prior to meeting Kim. I chuckled to myself at how she was changing my life. 

I wore light tan slacks with matching three-inch heels along with a flowered blouse. I choose some simple jewelry to go with it. I realized I was still wearing Kim's diamond earrings; I left them in my ears and made a mental note that I needed to return them. I smiled and thought I really just wanted an excuse to see them both again.

As Kim suggested, I stood and studied myself in my full-length mirror. I thought, "Wow. What a dish!" I liked my hair in the twisty style Antonio had showed me, my makeup, my dress, the heels -- the whole package. Now I just needed to garner some of that self-esteem I seemed to lack and make a go of it.

As I drove to work, I kept repeating Ray's mantra as well as variations that told me I was a pretty woman, that I was competent, and that I was friendly and outgoing. I needed some deeper convincing, but I would act 'as if' I was all these things. 

I felt as though this was my first day at school. I got more nervous the closer I got to work. When I finally parked my car, I just sat in it for five minutes and tried to get my sea legs back. In the end, I decided to treat it as if it really were my first day at work, only I knew exactly where to go and what needed to be done for the fancy website I was building for one of the company's clients.

I strode into the office building flashing my security guard. He actually stopped me and checked my badge; something he'd never done before. At first I thought he hadn't recognized me, but then I realized he was checking me out. As I walked down the corridor to my cubicle, I became increasingly aware of heads turning behind me. I thought of Kim referring to me as a 'hot dish' and decided I'd hold that self-image for the next hour or so. 

That idea was quickly blown apart when Dave, the guy in the cubicle across from mine, saw me and came over. "Wow! Joyce, you must have had one fantastic weekend. I mean you look fantastic ... not that you didn't look OK before, but like ... I mean I like your hair and, gee, you're different. I can tell right off the bat. I mean ... oh, anyway, just Wow!" He was stammering and sputtering so much, that I actually felt sorry for him. 

I said, "Yea, some friends talked me into a makeover and some new clothes. It's the same old me underneath." I plopped down in front of my computer and started to fire up my technology so I could get to work. Dave stood there staring at me for another minute before he went back to his own cubicle. I thought, my God, do I really look that different. I guess I had one vote that I did.

One by one each of the guys in the office sauntered by my cubicle, even coming from other floors in the building. Each man made it a point at least to say, "Hi Joyce." A few added something statements such as, 'Looking good!' to their morning welcome. Normally, I slipped in and out of work completely unnoticed, or so I thought. 

In mid-morning, Karen Weeks, one of the other developers in my department came by. She said, "I heard you had a new outfit and I had to see for myself. You are one fine lady. Tell me where you went, and how to get the same reaction you're getting from all these nerdy guys -- I'm jealous."

I laughed nervously and then thought of Ray's challenge. "Come have coffee with me, and I'll tell you my secrets - at least some of them."

Karen said, "Let's go," and off we went toward the Starbucks down the block. On the break, I explained about my new look and my shopping spree on the weekend, including the trip to Goodwill to rid myself of an unattractive wardrobe. In that one break, we actually laughed more than I had in the entire previous year.

Bill Wilde, one of the business development guys, stopped by my cubicle just before lunch and asked whether he could take me to lunch somewhere -- anywhere. After a short bout of voices in my head telling me how inadequate I was, I reluctantly accepted his invitation. He drove us down Main Street to a little Mexican restaurant, and we had a quick lunch sitting outside in the summer air. Fortunately, he did most of the talking and I just nodded encouragingly at him every now and then. He really thanked me when we got back to the office.

Several other people that I almost never talked to stopped by my desk in the afternoon 'just to say hello.' I was gracious and wondered what all the fuss was about. I had to admit by four o'clock, that I was finding 'small talk' a little easier than it was at the start of the day. I'd never been good at it before.

I called my doctor and got him to phone in a prescription for birth control pills to my local pharmacy. The little voices in my head had a field day with this situation, but I managed to subdue them.

About four thirty, I answered my phone; it was Kim. "Joyce, hi; can you come to dinner again? Casual or come as you are. Whatever." I accepted with enthusiasm.

I swung by the house and picked up some of my new casual clothes and my swimsuit -- just in case. I stopped by the drugstore and picked up my prescription, and then a wine shop and got a bottle of red wine on the way to Ray and Kim's. I arrived just after six thirty.

Kim welcomed me at the front door with a huge hug and a hot kiss. Ray repeated the process seconds later. I was a little unsure of myself after having been away from them for almost twenty-four hours. Secretly, I was sort of glad they wanted to pick up where we'd left off.

Kim read my mood; she said, "Though you left us and went home and to work, we still love you. Nothing's changed since last night. We both hope things are better since you've had time to think about it all ... Any reservations? Problems you want to talk about?" Ray saw that this was 'women talk' and headed for the kitchen with the bottle of wine I'd brought.

"I just feel a little nervous," I said. "I don't want to do anything to come between you and Ray, and I guess I want to protect myself too."

Kim said, "Joyce, you are naïve about sex, love and relationships, and we know that and respect it. We won't hurt you, yet we do want you to come out of the shell you've built for yourself. We want you to be a whole person. No more self sabotage by having such a low opinion of yourself and your social skills - and going out of your way to duck social situations or romantic situations." 

I nodded and hugged her. I pulled away and told her, "You should know I got a prescription for birth control pills. I haven't taken any yet. I'm embarrassed to admit that I really liked our time together last night."

Kim said, "Don't be uncomfortable. We can talk very openly about sex with each other -- and with Ray too. If you're willing to experiment, to try new things, and to get out of your comfort zone, you can have fun, and love in ways you haven't even imagined yet. We'd like to show you some of those. If you're willing to fantasize and share some of your ideas and wishes with your partner or partners, you empower them to please you."

"Well," I said, "I like to kiss you -- to French kiss you and have you kiss me back."

We embraced, and Kim's tongue snaked into my open mouth. We kissed passionately for a few minutes until there was a masculine 'A hem' from the doorway towards the kitchen. We both stopped and looked up at Ray who was standing there holding two glasses of wine. I felt like I'd been 'caught.'

Ray smiled and said, "I've been slaving away in the kitchen, stamping the grapes and fermenting it to this fine vintage, and you two have been screwing around without me. What thanks I get!"

We both took our glasses from him and set them on a side table, and then I lip locked with Ray and thrust my tongue into his mouth. Oh, he tasted so good. Kim was right there too. We had a satisfying few moments, and my temperature went up ten degrees. 

Ray finally came up for air. "There are hors d'oeuvres in the kitchen. Can we postpone this lovely activity for a few minutes?" Kim and I both assumed a pout, but pushed Ray towards the kitchen.

"Oh, your earrings," I remembered, quickly tugging on my ear lobes. I handed them to Kim. 

Kim took them for a second then took my hand in hers and wrapped them around the diamond studs: "Joyce, people that love each other, give each other gifts. Please accept these as a token of the love I feel for you. I know you're struggling with that emotion and whether you can even return it to me -- to us -- and that's OK. Just keep these regardless of how you end up feeling, as a ... a memento from loving friends."

I got all teary immediately. "Kim, no one's ever given me anything like this." Sniff. "And you know that no one's ever loved me -- I haven't let them." Sniff. "And now you and Ray come into my life and blow me out of the water." Sniff. "And I'll never be able to pay you back with anything so nice. " Sniff. 

Kim pulled me to her in a loving hug. She assured me that I'd have plenty of time to do things for her too. I put the glittery earrings back on. Kim watched and said, "They look so right on you. It changes your look from average to high class, and you, my darling, are one high class broad."

"I hope so," I said. "I've been trying to act like one all day."

Kim probed about how my day had gone, and I told her about the parade of people that had come by to see the 'new me,' getting asked for fashion and shopping help, and getting taken to lunch. Kim said, "You keep dressing like this and all sorts of wonderful things will happen to you. Just remember, you are a social creature, so don't say 'no' automatically -- say 'yes' automatically, then follow your bliss."

Ray fluttered around the kitchen finishing a pork loin tips covered with Hunan sauce laid over freshly cooked string beans. Later when we dined, I had to admit the meal was superb. Ray served us fresh fruit for dessert.

After we'd cleaned up the kitchen, the three of us stripped and went into the hot tub. Ray had left the exterior lights off as he had the night before so we could wander around the outside of the house and not embarrass ourselves, or their neighbors should they really peer into their pool area. After we'd dried off, Ray swooped me up, and carried me into the house, upstairs, and into the master bedroom area. I actually giggled as I held onto his naked body for dear life. Kim followed, laughing at Ray's attempt at machismo.

Ray laid me carefully on the bed and asked, "What is your pleasure, maiden?"

"You -- making love to me," I answered. "You don't have to be quite so careful tonight. I just got over my period, and I thought a lot about the timing since last night. I want you to cum in me. I want to see what it's like." 

A little voice in my head fired off a stream of negativisms: 'Slut. You'll get pregnant and be abandoned. You are being used. You're not worthy of having friends like these people. These people only want you for your body. You only want them for their bodies and the sex, you slut.' I closed my eyes for a few seconds and ran through the mantra and several other more positive sentences about our relationship and love.

Kim lowered herself between my legs again and in thirty seconds had me squirming and moaning as her tongue found all my points of pleasure. Ray was French kissing me and rubbing my breasts. I slid off the planet towards the land of bliss.

I felt Kim's fingers enter my vagina. I was moist down there and I know I'd started to secret my sexual fluids again just thinking about what we were going to do. Kim suddenly found a spot inside me that sent me skyrocketing into the sky.

"Oooooooooooh, Kim, what are you doing to me? What's that? Oh jeeeeeeeeeeze!" I exclaimed as I panted and writhed on the bed.

Kim said, "That, Darling, is your G-spot. Nature put that there for Ray and me to use to make you cum over and over and over again. It's a little area on the wall of your vagina that is loaded with pleasure nerves. I think it connects straight to your brain right where you send instructions to the rest of your body about cumming."

She put her fingers back into me, found that area and lowered her mouth to my clitoris. I rose up off the bed in the most spectacular orgasm of my life. I yelled something out to them -- I don't even remember what, and collapsed in pile all aglow with sex. 

"THAT WAS FANTASTIC!" I screamed as I regained some measure of sanity. I reached out for Kim as Ray cuddled me to his naked body. She came and kissed me. 

"Oh, I can taste myself on you," I told her. I kissed her again and experimented whether I liked or could just tolerate my sexual taste. I finally said to her, "You know, I don't taste too bad -- especially mixed with the taste of you." I'd tasted something the night before, but only now was I cogent enough to make all the connections between what I tasted or smelled and what we were doing.

Ray moved away from me and down between my legs. I pulled them up again, and he went down on me, licking, sucking, and fingering me with abandon as he drove me back up the scale towards another climax. Three minutes later, I crested with another orgasm. This one too was about a Richter eight. 

As I floated down, I felt Ray pushing his penis around my pussy gathering some of the wetness for our coupling. He then pushed slowly into me, inch by inch, working his cock into my body. Oh, this felt so good. There was no pain this time, only wonderment and pleasure.

Kim came down and sucked on one of my breasts, raising the nipple to a high state of alert. I was in heaven again. As Ray and I humped together, Kim whispered in my ear about how to make the experience of making love better. "As he thrusts into you, push your pelvis forward to meet him. That's it. Use your hands on his chest -- gently pinch his nipples; he likes that. Lock your ankles behind his back -- that's it; see how you can control him a little that way. You can pull him deeper into you that way. Deeper is better. You can even rub your own clit -- try it. Make yourself cum while he's still in there. It's OK -- it's not bad. That's it."

I was in heat. I just wanted to fuck and fuck and fuck. I wanted my orgasm. I got one -- a small one with Ray deep inside me as I masturbated my own clit. He kept up, and I could feel the tension mounting. I rubbed by clit faster to match his pace.

Kim was still whispering to me. "What you think about has a lot to do with how you cum. If you think nice warm fuzzy thoughts, that's the kind of climax you'll get. If you think thoughts about rough sex -- hard, pounding, and sweat-inducing fucking -- you can have some really hard climaxes and even ejaculate your own girl juice. You did that yesterday, more because it was your first time, but you'll learn to control it -- at least a little bit. Rotate your hips into him -- that's it. See how that feels different. If you hold that position, his cock will hit your G-spot sometimes and drive you wild."

He was hitting my G-spot, and I was getting near a big cum. The rough sex ideas were running in my head -- what interesting ideas. I started to use my legs to urge Ray to jam his cock into me -- to use the full weight and muscles of his body to drive deep into me. 

Then it happened. A thousand fireworks exploded at once in the heaven of my mind. I know I ejaculated a lot of girl juice. I heard Kim giggle with excitement. The pleasure for me started way back, deep in my body. The walls of my vagina started to become more sensitive and tender -- not in a way that hurt, rather in a way that milked every ounce of sensation from the cock that was moving back and forth in me with a new urgency I was promoting with my legs.

Then the sensations reached my brain, and I went wild. I was having a colossal cum. My back arched so much, I think I lifted Ray up off the bed as he continued to pound into me. He announced his own climax, and I could feel his semen shooting from his cock into my velvet tunnel. Oh, I'd found heaven on earth. My hips rotated into his final thrusts, and then we stopped, frozen in our ecstasy, locked together through our genitalia and the body fluids we now shared. The feeling of some ultimate pleasure washed through my body -- overtaking my brain and every pore of my body.

And then all went black.

When I came to, Ray was cradling me against his chest and Kim was spooning against my back. They both smiled at me, and I felt their love.

Ray said, "What you experienced is called la petite mort -- the small death. 

"You blacked out," Kim said softly. "That can happen some times. It's all right, you only fainted for a thirty seconds. Do you feel OK?"

"Yes," I nodded, "Better than all right. I feel like I just spent a week in heaven. I didn't want to leave." I kissed Ray. "You, sir, are a divine lover. Do you do that to all your women? Somehow, I think you do. I'm so lucky that you chose me."

We cuddled for several minutes and I savored the warm, sexual feelings I was enjoying. Kim pulled from behind me and guided me to lie on my back. I didn't understand what she was going to do until she spread my legs and again went down on me, this time clearly with the intent of sucking Ray's cum from deep within me.

"Oh, Kim, are you sure? I'm all sloppy and smelly down there."

"I'm sure ... and you will taste and smell divine -- my favorite flavors and scents." I felt Kim's tongue dig deep into my pussy. Then Ray was beside her duplicating her actions on my pussy. He used two fingers to pull his fluids from inside me so he and Kim could lick at them. 

Kim came up the bed to me and gestured to her mouth. My God, she was asking whether I wanted to take the fluids she'd sucked from my cunt into my mouth. I thought for three seconds and then nodded. "Yes," I said cautiously. "I'll try it." I was far from my comfort zone.

I opened my mouth, and Kim French kissed me, in the process depositing the mix of her saliva, my vaginal juices, and Ray's cum. What a wonderful mixture. It was musky and scented with my female smell as well as with Ray and Kim's odors. I loved it. I savored it as well as the kisses from her. Then we slowed again.




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 02



"Joyce," Kim asked, "Will you go down on me before Ray and I make love?"

She rolled onto her back and I slid down the bed slightly, first, to her generous breasts. I had kissed them earlier, but now I really got into licking and manipulating her nipples as she gave herself to me. When both nips were standing a half-inch out from her body, I slid lower still and centered myself between her legs. I had never had oral sex before; perhaps it was fitting that it was with a woman that I adored.

I lowered my tongue to her slit and started to experiment with what felt good to me and what I thought might feel interesting to Kim. She started moaning almost immediately, a fact that I took as a sign that I was doing a few of the right things. 

"Tell me what to do," I said softly to her.

"Oh, you don't need help," she said. "You're doing just fine. Oooooooooooooooh."

I continued, discovering features about the female anatomy that I never knew. I found her clitoris and started to focus on that area. Kim was writhing around almost uncontrollably. Then I remembered about the G-spot. I took two fingers and gently inserted them into her body. I started searching inside for some noticeable locale, but I had no idea what I was looking for.

Suddenly, Kim's back arched and she froze in her paroxysm of joy. She had just had an orgasm and I'd made it happen for her. I was so happy. I leaned in and kissed her clitoris.

Kim fell back to the bed in a heap of satisfied womanhood. "Oh, Darling, you are magnificent. I may never let you go home."

Ray lay beside us watching with great interest. Kim reached out and squeezed his arm then turned to me. "Go down on Ray. Make him hard for me -- for us."

I sort of knew what she meant, but I had no idea how to start. Ray saw my discomfort and pulled me to him and kissed me. "You don't have to," He said.

"No," I said, "I want to. I just don't know how." I reached down and held his partially erect penis in my hand. 

"Move you hand up and down. Squeeze gently -- that's it. Cup the end sometimes, even rub it with the palm of your hand -- or against your breasts -- or your tongue."

I re-centered myself so I could focus on his erection. I tentatively lapped the side of him. "Yummmm," I said. He tasted like me, and I guess I liked that taste.

I sucked on him a little, but he wasn't very deep in my mouth. He said, "Put more of me in your mouth and be creative in using your tongue and your suction. Use your hand to pump me as you do this too. You can be a little rougher; I'm not that breakable."

I adjusted my movements to meet his suggestions. The more I tended to him; the harder and longer he became. I tried to take him all the way into my mouth at one point, but I gagged and figured that wasn't such a good idea. 

Kim was watching us and stroking her clit. After I had made him exceptionally hard, she came in beside me and whispered, "Let me show you how to do a 'deep throat.'" With that, she lapped up one side and down the other then slowly took his rod into her mouth and lowered her head until her nose was tight against Ray's torso. She'd taken the entire rod into her mouth and throat. She rose up off him and looked at me with great satisfaction.

"You have to suppress your gag reflex. It takes a while to learn. You open your throat to him and then you can do it. Try again."

I did, but I still gagged. I looked helplessly at her. She said, "Don't try any more tonight. We'll try again some other time." She looked at me and then at Ray. "I need some cock. I want a pussy full of your cum -- oh, and I want orgasms. As many as you can deliver."

Kim mounted Ray. They made sure I watched as she lowered her pussy down his very erect cock. Then she started her ups and downs, moaning and groaning with pleasure as she rode him. Ray could make some movements to meet her, but she was clearly in control and had to do most of the sexual thrusting movements. That said, I could see that she could make him thrust deep into her vagina, making every inch of him disappear inside her. I watched their coupling with fascination and awe as their bodies slapped together.

After a few minutes of their intercourse with Kim on top, Ray somehow rose up lifting Kim with him. He reversed their positions and lay Kim down next to me and took over control of the union. He was rough, massaging her breasts with his hands.

Kim talked to him -- dirty talk, "Fuck me, Stud. Fill me with the big, beautiful cock of yours. Give me all your juice. Can you feel how the walls of my cunt squeeze you? Do like it when I make myself tight? Am I tight like Joyce? She loved your cock too. We both love fucking with you. You can fuck us anytime you want. We are your lovers -- your sluts. Just fuck us over and over and ... oh shit. Oh fuck, I'm going to cum."

Kim locked her legs behind Ray and yanked him down into her with all her strength. He kept driving his long shaft into her just as he'd done with me many minutes earlier. Then they came together. It was carefully choreographed, and not the awkward 'should-I-will-he' orgasms we shared earlier. Instead, they both practically disappeared into each other as their climaxes took them away to some deeply shared heavenly place. 

Ray finally fell atop Kim, and they rolled to their side towards me. Ray remained coupled in Kim. I spooned behind Ray and wrapped my arms around him. I could smooth Kim as well and did. We all just hovered there in our bliss for a long time, and I heard Ray comment that he'd slid from her hole as his rod contracted. Then I seized the opportunity to return the favor that Kim had for me an hour earlier.

I slid down the bed and positioned myself between Kim's legs, and now I was the one feasting on the mixture of Ray and Kim. What a heavenly elixir. Surprisingly, I brought Kim to another orgasm as Ray cradled her in his arms. After her climax, I just rested my head on her thigh where I could inhale the scent of her sex. Heavenly!

I fell asleep; we all did. I awoke twenty minutes later about midnight. I rose and covered Ray and Kim with a sheet. The room was neither cool nor hot so I thought that to be a good compromise. I tiptoed downstairs where I'd left my clothes and then paused. Instead of just getting dressed and going home, I took a pool towel and went out the back door, dropping the towel as I slid naked and unbelievably satisfied into their pool.

I floated on my back and looked at the stars and the last of the waxing moon. I reflected on how silent the negative voices in my head had been that evening: no shame; no insecurity; no scolding; no whining; no warning. Was I winning? Was I gaining control over them? 

After a while I dried off, slipped on my shorts and blouse and drove back to my condo. I went right to sleep and as I recall. I had a smile on my face.

*

The week swirled by. I became more comfortable 'dressing up' to go to work. It took longer, particularly with my hair and makeup, but it seemed worth the effort. I was having mixed feelings about the increased attention I was getting. I was now sure I'd met every male in the company; they'd each come by my cubicle at least once and made some attempt at conversation. As Kim had pointed out, some of them were more nervous about talking to me than I was to them. 

I spent each night with Ray and Kim, and we repeated the pattern we had started on Monday evening. We did eat out a couple of nights and on Friday night, went to an outdoor jazz concert in one of the exclusive shopping areas of the City. 

Wednesday of my 'first week' while at lunch I went to a bookstore and got a couple of books on fashion and the application of makeup. I was learning all this from scratch or from what Kim taught me. Kim approved of the books and on Saturday morning, after I'd stayed over night in their big bed after our sweaty lovemaking, the two of us sat in the nude perusing and reading them and pointing out things to each other. Then we experimented in her master bathroom for another hour. Girl stuff. What fun!

Saturday afternoon, we hit the shops again, this time being a little more down market, but looking for reasonably priced clothing that looked like a million dollars. We filled the back of my car and then headed back to their house to try everything on.

I was standing in Kim's living room in my thong comparing two blouses at arms length when Ray returned from his golf game and suddenly appeared in the door of the family room where we'd spread out my purchases. 

"How nice," he said. "Am I too late or too early for anything?"

"No," Kim said from the modern chair she was seated in. "You're just right depending on what you want to do. We're ready for some wine ... and what ever shall we do for dinner."

I sashayed up to Ray in my almost nude state and planted a big kiss on his lips. "Thank you so much for last night -- and all the nights this week. You've made me feel so unbelievably special and loved." We kissed, and Kim came and joined us for a three-way kiss.

"Ladies, let me clean up from golf and I'll worry the wine and dine questions along the way. Give me about fifteen minutes," he said heading upstairs.

As the sun set, we were dining in high fashion at the Crab and Fin just off the exclusive St. Armand's Circle. Each of us was dressed the nines. We had a sidewalk table and were enjoying watching the throng mill by the restaurant - as they watched us. A rather skillful piano played provided some additional atmosphere for the outdoor dinner crowd. 

Ray asked me over our salads, "Are you still fighting the voices? Are you getting the negative messages you used to?"

"Yes," I answered; "But not with the intensity or malevolence that they used to have. I wish they'd stop entirely. I probably say your mantra fifty times a day, but that number is going down. I'm also making up some of my own." I grinned at him to show I was getting the message.

"What about doing something 'social' each day ... something that takes you out of your comfort zone?"

I replied, "I get A's for that challenge. Monday I had coffee with a girl at work, and then some guy I barely knew took me to lunch. I haven't eaten alone all week, and most coffee breaks, I chat with someone. Further, every guy in the company has come by to say hello to the 'hot' girl in development -- me! It felt awkward at first and it's been all small talk, but I am mixing with other people."

Ray nodded approvingly then asked, "And your style of dress at work?"

"Exceptional," I stated. "I am far and away the best-dressed person in the building. Sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable. I mean I'm dressed like I'm about to go to come to a place like this with friends like you two, but I'm only at work."

Ray laughed; "Don't stop. This coming week watch how the other people around you dress and compare it to what last week was like. I bet you'll see a difference. People will start following your lead, especially the women. This in turn will make the guys dress better since they want to impress the women."

Kim nodded agreeably a big smile. "I think you can go a long time on what you've bought last weekend and this. Keep being the fashion hound. Don't back off for at least two months and by then, it'll be a habit and you'll do it all naturally. " Ray asked another telling question, "And how are you feeling about yourself? Are you worthy of loving yourself?"

I was quiet for a long time as I examined the feelings within. Finally I said, "I'm feeling better about myself, but I have a way to go. I can at least see the path now where I didn't even know a path existed. Ask me again in another week or so."

He nodded and sipped his wine thoughtfully.

"Joyce," he said after a few moments, "There's one thing I need to teach you. It involves the Law of Attraction. Have you heard of it?"

"Sort of," I replied. "I remember there was a lot of hype about some book about it a year or so ago, but I didn't read it."

"Here's the gist," he started. "What you really want you get. What you don't want -- well, you get that too. A moment ago, I heard you wishing the voices would change or go away and that you'd like to over power them. By phrasing it that way and thinking about it that way, you actually empower them."

"Huh," I said dumbly.

"The key to getting what you want is to visualize exactly what you want and then start applying yourself and your talents to get it. The Universe will rise to the occasion and help you achieve your goal."

I nodded. I could appreciate that logic.

"What's important though, is to keep negative thoughts out of your head. The Universe doesn't know the words 'no' or 'not'. So it'll give you what it thinks you're asking for. If you said 'I don't want to be poor' the Universe says 'Got it' and produces 'poor' for you. A silly example but I think you get the idea."

I replied, "So when I've defined myself as a social misfit -- even though that's not what I want, the Universe has said 'Oh that's what she wants' and made me a misfit?"

Ray nodded, "Yes. This is why it's important that we hold positive images in our heads about whom we are and what we want, and not negative images or thoughts about what we don't want. The Universe, or the Inner Power, or God if you prefer will try to give us both or either."

"So when I think I want the negative thoughts about myself and my self image to improve, I'm actually given credence to their validity and making those beliefs stronger in my head?"

Ray said, "RIGHT!" enthusiastically and then looked embarrassed as he remembered the surroundings we were in. People at several other tables turned around and looked at us. The three of us laughed, but I got the message -- stop feeding the voices with my wishes they'd go away; instead, focus on what life would be like without them.

As Kim listened attentively, Ray added some more ideas. "Joyce, you define your own happiness or unhappiness. It's the patterns in your head, not the actual events or outside things that make you unhappy. The old adage 'Change your thinking, change your life' is really truer than most people realize. You have the tough job right now of changing how you think about yourself, how you think others think about you, and how you think about others. The Universe is a pretty supportive and loving place; come at these ideas with that as a foundation and you'll create some much better thoughts for yourself."

I answered, "I know. I'm struggling."

Ray went on, "The things that disturb you are not due to things that happen, but your opinion about them. You've described yourself as a social misfit, a point I think worth talking further about, since I think you're wrong. I suspect it's not that you are or aren't a misfit, it's that it bothers you that is the issue."

I nodded in agreement.

He continued, "You need to commit -- to me, to Kim, to yourself -- that you intend to change who you are and how you think about yourself. Commitment causes all sorts of things to occur that would never otherwise have occurred. Make that commitment to yourself and things will start to change in your favor."

I looked at both Ray and Kim and stated firmly, "I want to change. I want to be a better person -- a person I like. I'm willing to pay the price to get there."

Dinner was served at that point and the conversation wandered away from how to change my life for most of dinner. Some friends of Ray came by the table with their spouses and joined us for coffee. I was surprised at how easily they accepted me, even when it was clear I was the third wheel to Ray and Kim. They were interesting people, and I enjoyed their presence.

Well, I thought I was a third wheel until after the group bid us goodbye and wandered on towards the parking lots. After they were out of earshot, Kim said, "The really liked you. They're glad you're 'with us.' They know we miss Stacy and had been looking for another companion to complete our lives."

I was almost speechless. "You mean you picked me -- ahead of time?"

"No," Ray said. "I didn't know you were the 'one' until we were at the State Park. Then I saw inside you for the first time and knew that you were loaded with potential. To tell the truth, I wasn't sure whether to mentor you or not until that afternoon. After we got back here, Kim knew right away; she later told me she knew instantly."

"Oh that makes me feel so good -- to be chosen, I mean. But ... I mean ... what about Stacy?" 

Kim responded, "Stacy and I were both pretty insecure and naïve individuals when Ray found us. We didn't know each other. Ray found Stacy first and then me about six months later. He mentored both of us and helped us grow in ways we'll teach you -- self love, unconditional love, becoming outgoing, becoming successful, and all that requires and means, and our appreciation for spiritual things. I have an endless list of things I've learned."

She continued after making sure I was all right with the way the conversation had turned, "We both loved Stacy and she loved us -- in mind, body, and spirit. Well after she found her sea legs, she needed to go to the Bay area. That's where she is now working for an advertising agency -- she's their art director -- one of the company's executives. We miss each other. We actually urged her to go -- for all sorts of reasons. She knows she's welcome back anytime -- even with you here. I told her about you yesterday when we talked on the phone. I hope that's all right with you."

"I guess. I mean I don't have liens on you -- or Ray," I said.

"Oh, but you do," Kim insisted. "Once we committed to you, we stay committed. We will help you change to be the person you want to be -- unless you tell us otherwise. It's extra special now because we have a sexual relationship, but we'd be doing this even if that wasn't the case." She smiled at me lecherously and leaned towards me, "By the way, have I told you how nice your pussy tastes?"

I'm sure I blushed and looked horrified. I wasn't expecting the comment in the setting of the restaurant with so many people around. Ray laughed.

Kim then addressed an issue I hadn't even thought of yet. "Joyce, some day very soon one of your co-workers or some guy you meet will ask you for a date. What are you going to do?"

I sat back in my seat. At first, I hadn't the foggiest idea what to do. I blurted out, "Say no -- politely -- I guess."

Kim shook her head. "Not that we want you to sleep around, but you should go out on dates -- socialize. Immerse yourself in the social life you've missed, otherwise you'll always feel that you missed out big on something as you matured. Just look at the values and personalities of the people you date."

"But what if they want to take me to bed?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm sure they all will. You are 'hot' and 'hot' means there will likely be a wistfully sexual component to every date. You can ignore it or do something about it."

"What should I do? I'm so naïve in this area. Certainly I'm not supposed to sleep with every date?"

"Oh, heavens no," Kim laughed. Ray rolled his eyes and then held his hands in a little prayer. "If you really like the guy on the first date, kiss him goodbye. That can be more than just a peck on the cheek, but for you right now, something short of a full scale make-out session with roaming hands."

I nodded as I logged the information.

Kim went on, "Second date you might go a little further, a good make-out session but with groping going on outside clothing; this if you really like the guy and see the relationship going somewhere. Third date, you might do everything short of intercourse. Fourth date, pull out all the stops."

"But ... but what about you. I am committed to you, and I love you both -- more each day. You're helping me. I don't want to do something that will be wrong here. I'm on unknown ground. How will you feel?"




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 02



"Oh no," Ray said. "We'll actually feel rather proud of you for handling these situations and stepping out of your shell." Kim nodded in agreement. "Remember, we talked about compersion a week or so ago. We won't be jealous; we'll be happy that you are growing and evolving in some new way."

Kim added, "We hope you won't forget about us. In fact, there's something we wanted to ask you ..." She shot a glance to Ray and locked eyes with him; I saw him nod affirmatively to her. "Joyce, I know this may seem capricious, but we'd like you to move in with us."

*

Living with Ray and Kim was like attending a school that you loved and could never get enough of. I couldn't wait for the next class -- and there were so many. Of course, there was the sex. That was my favorite part of our relationship. We made love all the time --spontaneously. I was usually the initiator since I'd become a sexual junkie about my newfound lusts and loves. 

I asked whether I was their slut, and they said "Yes," but that they were also my sluts. We just liked every possible combination of sex that we could think of. We got really creative too, using every orifice in our bodies and finding fantastic ways to combine the three of us in pleasurable activities. By the end of my first month, I actually considered myself a fairly skilled lover. I studied the Joy of Sex, and a couple of other 'idea books' I found in Ray's library. 

Ray broke down my 'curriculum' into the three parts I needed to work on: mind, body, and spirit. For my mind, Ray started teaching both Kim and I about work and business; he called it a mini-MBA, and this part seemed non-ending, but I could see its relevance everyday when I went into the agency that I worked at. He also started me on an aggressive reading program that included Plato, art and a review of basic science and biology.

To make my 'curriculum' more action oriented and to build my self-confidence and my sophistication, Ray suggested I sign up for flying lessons at a nearby airport. I started going two or three times a week for an hour for my flight lessons, weather permitting. This was a complex activity and not without some risk. Ray told me it would be a big confidence builder, and it was. I took to it like a duck to water. Further, I had to take a written examination on basic aerodynamics, weather and navigation; these helped by expanding my mind even further into new areas.

For the body part of my 'curriculum,' Ray laid out a fairly simple exercise program for me. Kim decided she'd duplicate what I was doing although she'd had her own program underway. I built up to where I was running five to seven miles four times a week as well as doing weights and stretching every day, usually in Ray and Kim's little gym.

Of course, as part of my body workout, we also maintained a very active sex life between the three of us. That was the favorite part of my education and life rebuilding activities, and I could always be counted upon to come up with fresh ideas to enhance everyone's learning in this area. To his delight, I often surprised Ray with a new thing to try.

Also, as part of the body curriculum, Ray and Kim taught me how to stand -- my posture had been pretty poor, and how to walk, particularly in high heels so that I wouldn't kill myself. Somehow, that part of my growing up was missing completely. I also had continuing lessons in how to dress, apply makeup and style hair.

Then there was the spiritual side of my curriculum. Ray taught me how to meditate. We went to a number of lectures on the nature of man, the laws of the universe, the Tao, and my reading pile expanded further with books, particularly on eastern thinking. Some of these I found very helpful in terms of over riding the voices (my ego?) that often returned to taunt me. I also started to maintain my journal my aggressively, making it not just a list of daily activities and events but more importantly, what I was feeling and emoting about what happened.

At the end of the first month of my flying lessons, I had taken the written private pilot's examination and passed with a 96 and I'd soloed -- been launched into the sky so I could fly alone to practice and hone my piloting skills. One thing I noted; flying was so consuming of my mental skills that the voices had no home. I could shut them out completely.

I arranged for piano lessons and once a week I visited Ms. Limbarten, a lovely woman in her seventies, who was patient beyond belief as she walked me through Book One. I tried to practice at least half an hour every day and I was advancing through the elementary stuff fairly quickly. More important, I was gaining a new skill that I was proud of.

I continued to expand my appreciation for fashion and subtly applied makeup. I mastered several different hairstyles that became easy and fast to do in the mornings as I headed off to work. My available wardrobe expanded significantly when I moved in with Kim and Ray. Kim insisted that anything in her closet or Stacy's was available to me, and they had some lovely and expensive clothes. Of course, I shared what I had with Kim and kept expanding my contributions to the clothes pool.

Ray was right about office dress. About a week after I started to dress up for work, my co-workers also started to improve how they looked. The original look of the place was pretty down market -- lots of t-shirts, flip-flops, grungy shorts, or punk jeans, with unkempt hair and usually unshaven faces. As the month passed, the guys started to shave more regularly and most got haircuts. The grungy shorts or jeans gave way to khakis or dockers, and the flip-flops yielded to regular shoes or sport sneakers. Sport shirts with collars replaced the t-shirts. Both men and women looked significantly better. I secretly thought, "I did that!"

Bill Wilde, my first lunch date, came by cubicle often and struck up a friendship that I encouraged. It was sometimes difficult for me to not hear the voices telling me of my inadequacy or reminding me how shy I was. I was becoming more conscious of the voices and often before they could pull me down into a state of depression or fear, I could conquer them and make them capitulate to happier emotions and the emerging and more confident me.

About a month after my transformation began, Bill asked me out on a date. I was shocked and really didn't know what to do. I stammered and stuttered a response asking whether I could let him know tomorrow. He said, "Of course."

I was so unbalanced by Bill's request that I went home early. I changed into my swimsuit and was doing laps in the pool when Ray appeared at the pool's edge, "Hey Pumpkin. What are you doing home so early? I thought you'd be burning holes in the clouds out near the airport."

I climbed out of the pool and got a towel and dried off a little then kissed Ray, trying not to get his nice clothing wet from my body and bathing suit. "I'm having a crisis and my brain went into 'fry mode' so I came home. One of the guys at work asked me out on a real date. I don't know what to do. I told him I'd let him know tomorrow." I was on the edge of hysterics, I had worked myself up into a frenzy thinking about this. "I am just full of negatives messages and bad vibes again."

Ray laughed and hugged my wet body to his, "Oh, my darling Joyce, you say 'Yes' of course and go and have a marvelous time. This is part of your 'coming out' and joining the rest of the world."

"But ... what if ... I mean ..." I started to sputter.

"You are a poised, confident, beautiful woman that does fascinating things like fly and study business and music," Ray started, "Every male in the country wants to take you out. Why does it surprise you that one of them finally screwed up the courage to ask you? Heck, he's probably more intimidated than you are."

Kim joined us on the deck. "Who's intimidated?" She asked as she came and kissed the two of us.

"I got asked out on a date," I said. "Ray's trying to make me feel good by telling me that the guy that asked me out is intimidated. Right now, I'm the one that's intimidated. Am I ready to date? I don't feel very confident or chatty ... or anything. And I'm not sure I'm ready to handle advances by someone."

The three of us walked into the house. Kim and I sat on the kitchen bar stools while Ray served us up some wine and hors d'oeuvres. 

Kim asked, "What's the worst thing that could happen on this first date with a co-worker?"

I started, "Well, he might not really like me. He might jump me. We might have long awkward silences with nothing to say to each other. He might want to talk about nothing but baseball; did I tell you I know nothing about baseball or football or hockey or basketball or tennis or golf. It could become the most awkward date in the world. He might want to take me country line dancing; and I don't know how. Shall I go on?"

"Sorry," Kim said. "Nothing you said so far disqualifies you from going on a date with this guy. What's his name? Do you know him from work?"

"His name's Bill Wilde. He's doing business development at my company. He actually seems very nice, self assured, and suave. I'm not sure why he'd be interested in me."

"That settles it," Ray said slapping his hand on the kitchen counter, "You are going on this date." Kim nodded in strong agreement. "Tomorrow at work you stop by his office or cubicle and tell him you're pleased to accept and just need to know when and where he'd like to meet. You don't have to have him pick you up here; you could use your old condo if you want."

I digested all this for a while as they watched me. Finally, I convinced myself that I could at least go through the steps of accepting the date from Bill.

Later that night as we went to bed, Kim and Ray got me all hot and bothered. We started to make out with one another. Kim said as she gestured at Ray's cock, "Why don't you give Bill some oral sex? I'm sure he'd love to feel your talented mouth on his cock." She nudged me towards Ray.

Ray said, "Oh, Joyce. I had dreams that you and I could do this together. Oh, yes, take my rod in your mouth. Isn't it great that we like doing this and we work for the same company? Oh, wow. WOW. Oh, Joyce."

"Are you going to let Bill cum in your mouth?" Kim whispered in my ear as she rubbed my breasts. I continued to suck and fondle Ray's large penis and balls. 

"Let Bill fuck you, Joyce," Kim told me as she pulled me into a supine position. "Let him sink his big, beautiful cock deep into your wet, willing pussy and then fuck the hell out of each other."

Ray slid his long cock into me in one sweeping motion. My head went back as the initial spasm of ecstasy swept across my body. "Ooooooooooh," I moaned.

"Is Bill doing the right stuff to you Joyce? Do you like Bill's cock buried in you? Do you like it when he makes those long, full-length strokes into you? Isn't that what you like Bill to do to you? Tell him. Tell him what you like." Kim kept whispering words like this in my ear.

Finally, the role-play and reality merged into one mind blowing orgasm that started to sweep through me. I moaned again, "Oh Bill, cum in me. Cum deep in me. Give me your juice."

Ray shot his load into me, filling my already wet cunt with his cum. He groaned as he came and then pulled me into his arms as we rolled to our sides with his cock still buried deep within me. "Oh, Joyce, I love you so."

I was confused for a moment since I knew Bill wouldn't be saying anything like that, at least not so early in our relationship. Then my dream and reality became separate again, and I returned to earth and to the arms of my lovers. Well, not both sets of arms; Kim was buried between my legs.

*

As I went into work, the next morning, I walked through the part of the offices I usually didn't pass too often so I'd pass Bill Wilde's office. He was there at his desk. Although I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed, I accepted his offer and we set seven o'clock Saturday as the time and date. I gave him Kim and Ray's address and told him I'd be waiting at my friend's house. I didn't explain that point and he didn't ask.

Somehow, the rest of the week disappeared and then it was Saturday evening and under Kim's tutelage, I was superbly dressed and awaiting Bill's arrival. I was pacing and twisting a paper napkin so hard, I was leaving a trail of little pieces of napkin everywhere I walked. Ray and Kim had both schooled me on how to behave, reminding me of the many small points a girl learns in their teenage years rather than at age thirty. They both hugged and kissed me and wished me well and then at seven o'clock, they took their drinks and went to the back patio so they'd not be a factor when the doorbell rang.

The bell rang at one minute past seven according to the living room clock. I answered the door and was surprised that my feet would move and that I could actually mouth a few well-rehearsed words, "Bill, thank you for picking me up. This is so nice. I'm ready. Let's go. I've said goodbye to my housemates." I thought I should tell him that I have to be home by eight o'clock, but I bit my tongue and actually smiled at my own humor. He commented several times on how nice I looked. I did look nice!

Our date was actually fun. He held the car door for me everywhere. He took me to a new tapas bar on top of a downtown building. The view, including the sunset, was spectacular and our hors d'oeuvres superb. Then he drove us to the Esca at the other end of town for our entrée and more wine. 

Somehow, I never had to think about the conversation. Bill talked and gently questioned me about things you talk about on a first date. I actually got chatty for a while and carried my end of the conversation without feeling my comments or the evening was a disaster. My confidence rose immeasurably. Bill was blown away when he found out I was working on my pilot's license and simultaneously studying the marketing and advertising industry.

After dinner we danced a few numbers, but he was apologetic about his lack of dance skills, and I certainly had little in that department, so we tended to watch and sway rather than participate. I was surprised when he made 'take me home' noises and settled the bill. When we got in the car, I was surprised that the dashboard clock read twelve thirty. There were no awkward moments; Bill drove me home and walked me to the door. I took the opportunity to kiss him on his cheek, give him a nice hug, and thank him for a great evening. I even added that I hoped we could do it all again sometime soon. He smiled broadly then turned and left. My 'date' was over!

I opened the door, and Kim was waiting for me in her PJs. There were squeals of girlish laughter as she said, "Tell me all about it."

And so I did.



The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 03



To my readers: by starting here you have missed some significant events and a necessary understanding of the characters in the story. The author recommends you start this one from the beginning. This is the third of four parts. 

*

With the encouragement of Ray and Kim, I went on even more dates. I felt as if I were a sixteen-year old girl just discovering herself. There was Tom, Bob, David, and Bill on my date card by the end of the second month. Each date gave me increased confidence and helped me find my way to the person I wanted to be.

Ray added some dance instruction to what he was teaching me. This time I craved being in his arms and learning the steps he was teaching me. Kim joined in and sometimes the two of us danced, taking turns playing girl or boy. We hugged and kissed a lot too. Ray said this was part of my 'body curriculum.'

Before each date we'd sit down and visualize the date or party I was going to. Ray and Kim taught me that I was connected to my Inner Self and that Inner Self had no issues with anyone at a party other than to see if we shared the same vibrational energy. They helped me prepare to walk in and be friendly and to see the best in each situation -- the best in each person there, the best in the house or place of the date, the best in the activities that were going on, the best in the music, and so on. They taught me to share my good feelings with the people around me and that I was always in a place of security. 

Kim explained that we're taught at an early age to care about what other people think. Our parents and schools do this for us, but then we need to spend our adult life getting in touch with ourselves -- our own vibrational energy -- and learning to not care what other people think. I was working on this and it really helped me be ready for getting outside myself and be ready for anything.

Tom took me to a party, and I had good things to say about everybody and everything there. I was a big hit, and everyone told Tom to keep bringing me back to their shindigs. I was the Party Cat!

Ray, Kim and I had a talk about exclusivity and whether that was what I wanted in my life right now just before my fourth date with Bill. They didn't tell me how to think, and I explained to them that it felt so great to be liked by my boyfriends and to be playing the field right. I told them, "If there is any exclusivity that is going to take place, it is going to be with the two of you on this higher level of support you're providing me. I hope you know that I'd give all my dating and friends up in an instant just to focus on my relationship with you."

"We know, Pumpkin," Ray said as he leaned in and kissed me. "We see that and we also see someone inside you that needs to grow and evolve -- to reconnect with the path you should have been on years ago. So, for a while yet, enjoy finding yourself. " The doorbell rang.

"So go have fun tonight with Bill," Ray added with a laugh.

"Can I introduce you?" I asked them as I headed for the door.

"Sure, if you want," Kim said.

I opened the front door, and there stood Bill with some flowers. "Oh, my!" I exclaimed. "Thank you so much. They're beautiful." I put my arms around his neck and gave him a big kiss. No one had ever given me flowers before. I actually got tears in my eyes and snuffled. Bill seemed impressed by his reception.

After the rest of our greeting I said, "Come and meet the couple I live with." I figured that was sufficiently truthful while at the same time vague to cover all contingencies. Ray and Kim both rose as I escorted Bill into the kitchen area where we'd been sitting. The usual round of introductions were made, some light banter, and then Bill and I were off on our date.

We met another couple that I didn't know -- friends of Bill's - at Zoria's downtown and the four of us had a lovely dinner. At one point I mentally pulled away from the conversation and thought about how far I'd come over the past three months. I had a growing reputation as a sharp dresser and was in all modesty the prettiest woman in the company. I was socially desirable and now had a few guys eager to date me. I no longer felt like a social misfit, at least most of the time; here I was having a great time on a date -- a real date -- and my voices were pretty quiet as I focused on my three dining companions and the conversation. I liked everyone and they liked me.

And, then there was the sex, I thought. Wow. I was more comfortable every day with my relation with Ray and Kim. Further, though, Bill and I were advancing up the ladder with each date and very soon, perhaps even tonight, I might share myself with him. I was curious and had the backing and encouragement of Ray and Kim. I was also comfortable in my bisexuality. I'd never thought it was any more unusual when it started than my heterosexual attraction to Ray, but as I came to have a relationship with Kim and looked around, I realized how unique -- and not always socially acceptable -- it was.

After dinner Bill suggested we go back to his condo and 'relax.' I knew this was a euphemism for making out and possibly having sex, and I was not only warm to the idea by the time dinner ended, I was horny and wanted to get laid! I coyly accepted his invitation, and I think it surprised him -- or perhaps it worried him.

Bill had a condo just off the downtown area of the City and was high up in his building where the views were spectacular -- day or night. I could tell he'd cleaned and straightened -- the place looked too clean and too neat. He'd been hopeful all day I guess.

We went onto his small balcony that overlooked both the harbor and most of the downtown. Somehow we quickly got into an embrace and started kissing. That led to French kissing and panting as our temperatures rose and libidos fired up. Bill tried to be a little subtle as he rubbed the back of his hand against one of my breasts. It had the desired effect soon enough.

I took the initiative further and reached one hand down and rubbed the rising lump in his pants; not only did it rise faster, but also Bill took that as an invitation to start unbuttoning and removing my blouse. I suggested that we step into the darkened living room to continue, and we did.

After Bill had removed my blouse and sexy brassiere, I kneeled in front of him and slowly and wantonly unzipped his pants. I purposely groped around inside his pants feigning difficulty in safely pulling him out. I finally said, "You know, Bill, this is probably a good time to lose your clothes." He was naked in thirty seconds. As he stripped, I removed my slacks and high heels. I then remembered something Kim had told me about continuing to wear heels during sex and how it really turned guys on, so I slipped my 'fuck me' spike heels back on my feet.

Bill and I turned to each other and hugged and caressed one another. I still had my thong on, but he was nude. I slithered down his body, biting gently at his neck, then one breast, and then running my tongue across his abdomen. He stood with his head back, moaning occasionally. I think he liked what I was doing.

I held his rising cock in one hand and gently ran my tongue over the business end of his rod. I allowed my teeth to contact the sides -- just gently enough to tease and firmly enough to worry. I smiled to myself. I was full of mischief. Then I slurped his piece into my mouth and started to oscillate my head back and forth. Bill moaned again only louder. 

Kim had worked with me about deep throating Ray so I thought I'd try it on Bill and see whether he liked it. I pulled my hand away so that only my mouth was holding his rod and then worked his shaft progressively deeper and deeper into my mouth, allowing it to touch my throat and holding off my reflexive action. Finally, I sank all the way down on his rod pushing my nose into his public hair. I held him there and used my tongue on part of his scrotum then rose up and sank completely down on him again.  

Bill's moan became a loud groan. "Joyce, I love what you're doing but you'd better stop. I want to make you happy, not just finish in record time." He touched my cheek in a tender gesture and pulled me up. "Sit in a chair and slide down so I can do you. Here, like that." He guided me into a large comfortable chair, and I slid down so my pussy was where he apparently wanted it.

Bill carefully slid my thong down my long legs pulling the frilly triangle of cloth over my three-inch heels. He tossed it to the side and then pulled my legs apart. I allowed him complete access, and I was not disappointed as his tongue searched around my thighs and abdomen before sliding down and licking up my entire slit. Now I was the one moaning as I held his head and guided his tongue and attentions to me. 

This man had talent. He quickly found my response spots and set about pleasuring me. He stopped at one point and looked at my reclined body, "You like?" He smiled at me, and I could see the gloss of my juices around his mouth.

"I like a lot!" I replied. "You have about three seconds to start again too." I pushed his head back in the direction of my pussy. He quickly went back to work. I talked to him, "Oh Bill, you are hitting my spots ...like right THERE! Oh, shit! Do it. Do it more. You can use your fingers ... you know, inside me. I have other pleasure spots hidden away. Ooooooooh."

Bill would pull away and talked to me too: "You taste divine! My God, you give great head. I can't believe I waited so long to ask you out; you're wonderful. Oh, Joyce ... Ohhhhhh."

He inserted a couple of fingers and started to thrust back and forth into me. Just the sensation of his fingers was exciting, but then he found my G-spot, and I came: not only did I cum, but also I ejaculated a little of my girl juice into his mouth and face. He didn't seem phased by my emissions except to lap at them just the way Ray did -- the same but different. I am so spoiled, I thought. I love my orgasms and he'd just given me a couple of little ones and one big one.

"Bill, let me come down there with you. I slid off the chair onto the floor bringing a cushion with me for my head. The rug was a deep pile and actually comfortable to lie on. I lay on my back and held my arms open to Bill -- and, of course, my legs.

I felt Bill's generous cock smooth along the folds of my cunt then he pushed just the head into me. I rose to meet him, but he pulled away slightly so no deeper penetration occurred. I looked at him and asked, "What are you doing to me?"

"Just be patient and enjoy," he told me with an evil grin.

He then pushed into me but only about a further quarter of an inch. He then pulled out so the bulbous head of his cock was nestled in the outer folds of my labia. He pushed in again, this time adding a further quarter of an inch. He rested and then extracted again. I tried to push up into him, but he was evasive. He slowly continued this way adding only a millimeter or two to each penetration, slowly going deeper and deeper on each thrust. There was no rush by him, but I was urging him on: "Deeper, Bill. Please put it all in me. Sink it all into me. Pleeeeeeeease." He'd reduced me to a begging slut.

After several minutes of this play, Bill finally bottomed out inside me -- his large cock swelling into the folds of my vagina. I could only guess that the tip was deep and near my cervix. I was deriving significant pleasure from this slow fuck. 

I moved my legs behind Bill's back and held him tightly to me as we kissed and tongued around each other's faces and necks. I liked the taste of me on his lips -- I'd gotten so used to it with Ray and Kim. I assume he was not put off by the still musky taste in my mouth of his pre-cum.

As we fucked, Bill would bring me up to brink -- or vice versa -- and then we'd back off. Up and down our pitch went. I was incredulous about how long we extended our union. He just smiled when I commented on it as we backed down our third time. He said, "Enjoyment is the goal -- not necessarily speed. Sometimes I like fast -- you'll see that in a few minutes. Right now, I like stretching it out with you. I'm savoring our experience together, aren't you?"

"Oh, most definitely," I told him as I thrust my hips up into his.

"Stay together and roll over -- so you're on top," he instructed me. We did a slow roll into the middle of the room.

"Now you're in control," Bill said. "Do you want fast or slow, smooth or rough, light touches or pounding?"

"Right now I want ...fast and rough," I stated as I rose to the very tip of his erect penis and then dropped with all my weight onto his body. I then repeated the process as fast as I could -- again and again and again. He was up thrusting into me as I dropped onto him, allowing gravity to aid our fuck.

We slapped together over and over. I could feel my approaching orgasm. I allowed the fingers of one hand to massage my clitoris as I oscillated over Bill, bringing myself even higher on my newly formed orgasm scale.

Finally, I crested. "Ooooooooh Bill, I'm thereeeeeeee," I moaned as that feeling of ecstasy swept over me. My head went back and my breathing stopped as I dropped onto his prick of satisfaction one last time. I felt the muscles in my cunt spasm against him. Bill came as well, his jets of cum surging into me as his back arched up off the carpeted floor to maximize our body contact and his penetration.

We were motionless in that suspending state of ecstasy for twenty or thirty seconds then our need for oxygen overtook our bodies, and we gasped for air. I fell forward into his arms while preserving the feeling of his cock in my body. I liked that.

"Oh, wow!" I gasped, "THAT was stupendous. Oh, you are a superb lover." I showered his face with kisses that he eagerly returned though we were both out of breath. "You hide this away from all the women in the office?" I asked. "What a loss that you don't post these services on the company bulletin board. You could make a small fortune doing this for womankind." Bill laughed as he panted.

As we floated down from our climaxes we rolled to our sides, but Bill kept his deflating cock in me. "It has a nice warm home that it doesn't want to leave," He told me. We smoothed and stroked each other's bodies. I rather enjoyed the skin-on-skin contact and wasn't about to rush departing. 

After we'd petted and talked for perhaps half an hour I felt Bill stiffen inside me again. He started subtle movement of his hips against me, and I urged him on. Finally I said, "Wait. Let me help this along." I pulled off Bill and then sucked his partially inflated cock into my mouth, cleaning our juices off and adding new stimulation. At this stage, I could easily deep throat him and did as I worked him back to a state of warm steel.

Bill finally said, "I'm done and ready." He surprised me by rising and pulling me up to a standing position. "Come with me," he said leading the way onto his balcony overlooking the city. "Lean against the railing," he told me; "I've always had a fantasy about doing this."

As I did, he stepped behind me and slipped his long cock into my dripping vagina. He slid in with minimal effort and started a slow rocking and thrusting behind me. I stood in my shiny black three-inch spike heels and braced against the railing looking out over the City as the warm night air circulated around us. Bill reached forward and around me, fondling my now pendulous breasts as they hung down and swayed with his thrusts. He pinched my nipples as he moved and pushed me right back into orbit. In seconds, I was fully with the agenda -- I wanted to cum, and I wanted his cum.

There was something odd about being naked in public although we were sixteen stories above street level. I felt as if I should be embarrassed, yet no one was yelling up at us. Instead, I could look down on the traffic and watch several people walking along the sidewalk far below. And as I did this mundane and everyday activity of watching the traffic and the evening strollers, I had this lovely, long, warm cock pounding into my cunt.

Bill was not slow this time nor did I want him to be. He pumped hard into me for several minutes then warned, "I'm getting near. Any special requests?"

"No," I answered over my shoulder, "just a full bucket of cum inside me." I grabbed his hand and sucked two of his fingers into my mouth as though I was giving them a blowjob. I felt him speed up in response to this erotic move. 

About a minute later I could feel Bill's thrusts becoming more emphatic and determined. "I'm there," he announced.

I was there too. I tensed and rubbed my clit a few times just to heighten the feeling of arousal and cum that washed over me. Bill tightened into me and held my hips tightly as he pulled my sweaty body into his groin. Again, I could feel his cum splashing into my cunt. The climax wasn't as intense this time, partly because I kept looking to see whether anyone had noticed our very visible outdoor fuck. No one appeared to see us, or if they did they were invisible behind one of the darkened panes of glass in some other building.

Bill waited a minute then slowly pulled his long and deflating cock from me. He pulled me into his arms and turned me so we could kiss. "My God, you are sexy," he told me. "This is one night of my life I hope to never forget."

I smiled at him in a sexy way as we held each other then felt a dollop of his cum start to dribble down my leg. "Oops. Sexy I may be, but I'm also leaking." I clasped my legs together and clenched my vaginal.

In a flash Bill picked me up and carried me back into his apartment. He strode across the living room where I kicked off my shoes, then down a short hall into his bedroom and subsequently into the large master bathroom. He had me use my toe to turn on the light switch. He set me down in front of the shower and started the water running. We giggled and laughed again as I pressed myself against his masculine body, smearing some of the juices on my legs onto his legs.

When the water was the right temperature, we stepped into the large enclosure. "Yummmm!" I said, "This is very nice." We both cleaned each other and I let Bill pay special attention to my leaking cunt. With a few rippling muscles, I think I ejected at least some of the excess fluid he'd jettisoned into me.

After the shower we dried off. He had a blow dryer that I used on my hair. "What's your pleasure, milady?" Bill asked. "Will you stay over or do you want to return to your castle?"

I thought for a moment, "Much as napping next to you would be a pleasure, I want to go home even though it's late. Do you mind?"

"Not a bit," he said. We reclaimed our clothing. Bill dressed just in shorts, loafers, and a t-shirt; I re-dressed in my evening attire but was a little less caring of how things looked. We went back to his condo's garage, and he drove me home.

I let him come around the car and open the door for me. I was learning -- I am a beautiful, sexy, desirable, worthy young woman. As I got out, the two of us pressed tightly against each other. We both thanked each other for a very nice evening, gave final hugs and kisses, and then I slipped into the house. It was one thirty.

I undressed and slipped into bed beside Kim. Ray was sprawled out across the rest of the bed in a way that didn't invite sleeping on that side. Kim mumbled something unintelligible and rolled over and gave me some room. I kissed her naked shoulder and lay back. The room had that sweet smell of sex. I smiled to myself; I was glad they'd enjoyed themselves. Soon after I fell asleep.

I awoke with a start about seven o'clock. The sun was shining around the edge of the curtain on the east window. Ray and Kim were still zonked; their naked bodies totally relaxed in their repose. 

My voices were screaming at me -- I guess that's why I woke up. I listened -- unfortunately. "You slut. You got fucked last night - you whore. You should be married to do that. Slut. You were unfaithful to Ray and Kim. Don't you have any morals? You fucked Bill and then came home and slept with your other lovers. Whore! You earned your dinner with a cheap fuck. You don't deserve ..." They wouldn't stop.




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 03



I got up and went downstairs so I could talk some sense back into myself. The voices were not only talking to me; they were screaming. It was all I could hear. Downstairs I repeated Ray's mantra several times: 'I am worthy. I love myself. I can change to be anything I want to be. I make my own reality through what I think and believe.' 

It didn't stop the voices. They went on, "Weren't you better off when you were alone? At least you weren't using sex to win favors. You should be back in your own condo where you don't bother anyone. Ray and Kim had sex without you last night; they don't want you around."

I started making other affirmations. I was almost desperate to get the voices to stop. I was talking to myself out loud. "I like Bill -- very much. We enjoyed our intimacy last night just the way two consenting adults do. There was nothing improper about what I did. I like sex. I love Ray and Kim; they encouraged me to go out with Bill and the others and even to have intimate relations if I felt it was appropriate. They still love me."

The voice SCREAMED in my head. I took some aspirin thinking the chemicals might have some influence; they didn't. I sloughed off my robe and ran outside naked and dove in the pool. The cool water was a bit of a shock but not enough to stop the voices. 

I was sitting on the patio naked and shaking, holding my head, when Ray came outside. He took one look at me and asked, "What's wrong, Pumpkin? Voices?"

I looked up at him with tears flooding my face. I shook my head "Yes." I sobbed.

He came, sat beside me and put his arm around me. "I love you. Kim loves you. There is nothing in this world that you cannot do, be, or have. You live in a friendly and supportive Universe full of love and wonderful things that were put here for you. You control your life. Just cast those demons out of your head now. The voice is your mind giving you grief based on old luggage and past events. Somehow it's created a space of expectations that you can never live up to, and if you did you'd be a very unhappy person as you were before. 

Ray pulled me up into his lap and hugged me tightly. As he talked the voices actually subsided. Kim appeared. She seemed to know instantly what was happening. "Oh Joyce, I'm so sorry they came back," she said as she appeared on the patio. She snuggled up against Ray and me and held me. I felt surrounded in their love.

Ray told me softly, "Everyone has a dark side -- the dark side of the force they'd called it in Star Wars. For you this dark side brings up fear, doubt, and insecurity. These are your shadows. Now realize that they occur only in the presence of a great light -- and that light is you -- the real you. That inner light -- your inner light -- can make that darkness and the shadows dissolve when they appear. They actually strengthen you because you know they are there. Now you are a stronger person."

My crying jag stopped after a few minutes and I just kept saying, "Thank you," to the two of them. They hugged me harder.

"You don't need to let your unconscious mind grab hold of you that way. You can just say 'Stop!' and make it go away with some other more pleasant thoughts," Kim told me. "It takes practice, but you can do it."

I nodded again but was still too choked up to talk. Finally, when I could speak I asked, "Am I so mentally fucked I'll never get rid of the luggage that makes me hate myself so? Am I doomed?"

Both replied, "No. Absolutely not. You're not broken in anyway. You were broken before by listening to the voices; you're fine now. Shine your light in those dark places within where the voices seem to come from. You have new knowledge and new perspective to help make that light brighter."

Kim finally announced, "OK. We're changing the subject to something more pleasant." She paused then asked, "Tell us about you and Bill last night?"

I smiled, and through my remnant tears haltingly started, "Well, we had a nice dinner at Zoria's with friends of Bill -- a very nice couple from Lakewood Ranch -- then, well, we went back to Bill's condo. It's up about sixteen stories above the downtown area. The view is incredible." I paused, and both Kim and Ray looked expectantly at me. "Oh yes," I added, "we made love and he's a gentle and sensitive man that sure knows how to please a woman. I was really surprised. I guess you can't tell." I smiled at them with a touch of embarrassment.

"Details, woman, details!" They both implored with lecherous grins on their faces.

I gave a blow by blow -- or should I say a stroke-by-stroke description. I enjoyed the telling since I was reliving the experience as I told them. When I'd finished, the voices were gone, and I was horny and so were Ray and Kim. We returned to the master bedroom and satisfied the urges I had stirred.

After we were all basking in the afterglow of one or two orgasms per person, Kim stated, "It's ashamed Bill couldn't join us. I bet we'd have fun with a fourth person in our sexual romps."

Ray perked up and said, "Why don't you ask him?"

I laughed. "Oh sure, I can hear the conversation Monday morning at work: 'Bill, you were such a hit on Saturday night I'd like to invite you to an orgy at my house. My housemate and I want to fuck your brains out.' He'd probably faint."

Ray said, "I doubt it, but I think you two may want to be a little more subtle. Why don't we invite him to a cookout next Saturday? You two can turn on your charm while he's here."

Kim and I both responded with enthusiasm to Ray's idea. I promised I'd ask him the next day at work.

*

Saturday afternoon there was an air of heightened sexuality around the house. Part of it, of course, was due to the interactions between Ray, Kim, and me. There was the touch, a smooth, a kiss, a look, sometimes a wink, or kiss blown on the warm soft wind of the afternoon over the Bay. 

Ray held me at one point, "Pumpkin, I love you. No disappointments tonight and definitely no voices tonight or tomorrow. Right?"

"RIGHT," I replied in a loud affirmation reminiscent of his shouting the answer atop the catwalk at the nearby State Park several months earlier. It really did seem to cement in the deal.

The doorbell rang two minutes before six and I pranced to the door to welcome Bill. While we'd been staid and proper all week if we happened to see each other, tonight he literally swept me off my feet and swung me around as he hugged me. Then we kissed with definite sexual overtones including a grinding of hips and lots of tongue.

Suddenly, a voice stated over my shoulder, "Hey, I want some of that!" It was Kim. 

I laughed and pulled away from Bill, made a deep bow to Kim and said, "Be my guest. He does kiss nicely I might add." Somehow Bill passed two bottles of wine into my hands then turned to Kim, expecting to give only a polite peck on the cheek.

Kim moved right into Bill in the same position I'd been in. Bill looked slightly taken aback, but then appeared to hug and kiss Kim with the same abandon he'd used on me only seconds earlier. When they were through, Kim surfaced, "Whew! You were right." She turned abruptly and headed back to the kitchen.

I grabbed Bill's arm and led him into the kitchen. Clearly I was not upset by the moment he'd shared with Kim. He checked several times and I guessed that was what was on his mind. 

Ray was putting the last of some marinade on some steaks and kielbasa. He looked up as our trio arrived in the kitchen, smiled broadly and said, "Welcome Bill. In another minute I'll get you a drink, but right now I'm playing chef."

"I'll do the drinks," I volunteered. "What's everyone's passion?"

Kim gave me a long gaze then said, "Are you sure that's the question you want to be asking?"

I laughed and the double entendre I'd created and added, "OK. What do you want to drink?" I emphasized the last word.

"Pinot Noir, please."

"Bill?"

"Chardonnay on the rocks, if you please. And I'd like to savor the possible answers to your original question."

I tilted my sunglasses down at him and looked over the top of them in mock ferocity. I turned to Ray with my question.

"I'll have whatever Bill's having -- including you," Ray stated. He grinned and said, "There, that answers both questions."

"Until dinner is done, I shall ignore all comments with sexual innuendo in them," I stated firmly as I poured the Chardonnays into their glasses. "After that, however, I shall be open to a wide range of possibilities and offers." Everyone laughed.

The cookout and dinner breezed by with surprising swiftness. Every now and then there was some dubious statement that floated across the patio table, loaded with sexual overtones or totally benign depending on how you interpreted the words. I think I caught most of them and laughed over and over again.

After dinner we sat around talking for a while in the twilight of the evening. Kim suggested we all take a swim and enjoy the spa. Bill commented that he hadn't brought his swimsuit. There was a long pause then Kim laughed and said, "Well, you don't need a swimsuit with this crowd."

With that, she stood and walked near the pool's edge. She peeled the summer dress she was wearing off her body. I wasn't surprised, but Bill was. She'd been wearing nothing -- nothing at all - beneath the beautiful dress. She draped the dress over a nearby chair and in one smooth move dove into the water.

"Good idea," I said. I walked towards the deep end shedding my shoes then blouse, and then slacks along the way, carefully putting them on the same chair Kim had used. I was delightfully nude in the warm night air. I turned to Ray and Bill and asked, "You guys coming in too?" With that, I dove into the water.

There were some pool noodles floating near the side. I'd aimed for one when I dove in the pool and surfaced near it. As I grabbed the noodle I looked over and saw both Ray and Bill were shirtless and stepping out of their loafers, shorts, and briefs. I grinned at Kim who already had that lovely lecherous look on her face. Seconds later both men dove into the water.

Bill surfaced near me, running a hand up my legs to my nether region as he surfaced. I squeaked in mock surprise. Then Kim did the same thing only a few feet from me as Ray did some illicit thing to her while underwater. Everyone laughed as the men surfaced with devilish looks on their faces.

"I'm not averse to some unusual encounter," Bill said, "but I want to be sure I'm not misinterpreting what this means. And what about your neighbors?"

Ray answered, "Our neighbors are away for the next few months. We do enjoy the privacy it affords -- and the flexibility. As for the sexual nature of the past few moments, we are open to new experiences providing they are loving, sensitive, have some sense of commitment -- not ownership, and involve people able to give and receive. We applaud spontaneous sexuality."

Bill was paying rapt attention as Ray spoke. Ray went on, "We believe that sexuality is an extension of the inner, spiritual self. It connects us with the core of our being and through that connection with the Universe. Thus, we value intimate and passionate contact as one means for communion with spirit. We want conscious contact with one another not a mindless fuck that provides only temporary satisfaction. We want to create joy and blend hearts together."

"Wow," were the first words from Bill's mouth after a prolonged silence. I'd heard some of the philosophy before and so it didn't surprise me. I was attuned to Ray and Kim and increasingly to Bill so I could feel some of the latter's discomfort fade away with Ray's words. 

Ray got out of the pool a few minutes later and turned off the interior pool lights. Now a three-quarter moon and a few lights on in the house dimly lighted the pool and patio area. 

As Ray returned, Bill asked, "Are you three an event ... I mean 'together' ... err, intimate?"

I answered forthrightly, "Yes, we love each other in our unique way. Ray and Kim are my mentors right now too, helping me change from a person I'd grown to become and didn't like." I glided across the pool.

"Yes, yes," Bill started, "I was aware you'd made a big change in how you dressed and behaved. It's been the talk of the company for the past couple of months. You were so shy, isolated, withdrawn."

"I'm still trying. I have to undo twenty years of thinking poorly about myself. It's not something I can do overnight. Did you know you were my first date?"

Bill looked flabbergasted, "No. You're kidding right?"

"Not a bit," I said as I breast stroked back towards him. "Ray helped me lose my virginity only a month before that. So you see I'm trying to make up for many lost years, certainly in terms of having a social life -- and in terms of my sexuality." I stood in front of him and used my breasts to stroke his chest; since the nipples were erect they had the desired effect of his further arousal. I slid away into the water again.

Kim had watched me. She came up beside Bill and slid under his arm and repeated my move of rubbing her engorged tits against his chest. Bill looked at Ray to see whether there was any awkwardness there. 

Ray smiled back at him and said; "I think we have two horny women on our hands. Kim's been fascinated with you since she met you and since Joyce came home and told us what a wonderful lover you are."

"She did?" Bill exclaimed looking in my direction.

Kim leaned up and kissed Bill on the mouth; I could see her tongue dart into his mouth and the two started a long and significant kiss. I smiled too as I surfaced next to Ray and duplicated the process.

As often as one makes love the entire dynamic changes when you are in the presence of another person or couple. Ray and I had kissed a thousand times or more in the past month, yet there was a heightened eroticism doing it in front of Bill and Kim. The hedonist in me relished being the exhibitionist that I was that evening.

Bill and Kim moved into a tight embrace; their naked bodies pressed against one another as they stood in the shallows of the pool. I reached down and fondled Ray under the dark water of the pool too. 

Ray finally said, "Come with me. Let's make love. Let me love you." He pulled my hand and led me to one of the large loungers on the patio. As we cuddled together on the chaise he said to me, "Pumpkin, do you know how proud I am of you?"

"No," I said as I shook my head.

"Well, I am. You've made some huge leaps and bounds in your life that you should be very proud of. You don't need my praise; you should praise yourself. You've found a new relationship with life that you'd found wanting prior to our meeting."

"Well you did it. You made me ..." I started.

Ray interrupted, "No. No. No. You've got to see that you did this all yourself. All I did was make suggestions here and there. You could have run back to your old way of living, of thinking, of being. Instead, you struck out into new territory. You even forged a new relationship with the Infinite -- with Source. I can see it and I know you can too. Some days I know you have Source flowing through you and you are ready for anything."

"But the voices ..." I began.

"Oh, yes," he said. "The voices that come back every now and then. What you need to remember is that we all have voices. I have them -- Kim does -- Stacy does -- Bill too. They are perhaps our alter egos. They can be debilitating as yours were, but you can turn them around and make them supportive. You're starting to know how to do this, and it makes me happy."

Ray leaned in and kissed me as his hand continued its tender caresses of various parts of my body. I glanced over, and Bill was seated on the edge of the pool; Kim was bobbing up and down on his long, stiff cock giving him a blowjob that he'd not soon forget. Suddenly, I wanted to deliver that satisfaction to Ray as well so I slid down his body and engulfed his cock in my hot mouth. 

Ray put his head back in grace and acceptance of what I offered to him. He had a unique way in his sexuality -- there were no games. There was deep appreciation of what he was given, and he gave more than he got. He always made sure the Kim and I were satisfied even to little subtle touches or kisses that we liked around the edges of our colossal fucks. Of course, they weren't fucks; they were all making love to one another.

Kim and Bill appeared next to us on the adjacent lounger on the patio. There were no words exchanged just the silent acknowledgment that we were all there to love each other and indulge our sexuality. Kim had a unique way of ensuring her lovers were conscious and not just on some hedonistic autopilot; she talked to them about Tantric sex sometimes.

As Ray and I kissed, smoothed, and I administered my oral attentions on his stiff rod, we listened to Kim as she talked to Bill. "Bill, you and I are going to make love. As we do I want each of us to make a commitment that this is more than just a lustful satisfaction of a sexual urge. We each need to be aware of our emotions, our hearts, and the sense of Spirit that we encounter. I think of this as an act of communion and worship -- with you, to you, to Spirit, to our hearts, and to the oneness of the Universe."

Bill was silent but attentive as far as I could see his face and sense his mood. He was certainly not bored with the evening nor put off by Kim's recitations. I was glad; it meant that their lovemaking would take on a special meaning for each of them.  

Ray switched places with me and went down on my still moist pussy. I'd become aware of seeping juices as I blew him, and now he was the beneficiary of all that liquid my arousal had put in my slit. As he lapped I could feel myself sliding up a ski slopes, driven by the magnificent sensations he produced in my body. 

Beside me Kim was receiving similar attention from Bill. I was glad she could get a sense of his love making skills; he was adept at delivering oral satisfaction as he had to me the weekend before. As I thought about the next step I felt Ray's wondrous cock penetrate my vagina, back and forth, each time moving deeper into me -- moving each of us up the scale of love and passion, spiritual enlightenment, and deep sharing and joy. 

As I watched Bill penetrate Kim, I felt privileged and joyful for her. She reached over to me, and we held hands tightly as our lovers slowly pumped into our pussies. 

Kim talked briefly, as much to Bill as to Ray, "I am your soul that you love. I am your deepest desire. I am your sunshine self and your shadow self. This is loving that the world needs. It is not just for ejaculating cum into one another; it is for communion of each part of our selves, for unification of the self. It is for communion with each other, within all of us, and with the Universe -- with Source. Make this last. Make it an endless love."

Much to my surprise Ray and Bill reached their hands out to each other and across the space between our patio beds clasped one another's hands in a warm gesture of friendship and what ever other values each wanted to place on the event. Their attentions then turned back to us.

Ray and I slowly brought each other up and down on my private erotic scale. Several times I announced that I would cum and I did, each time better than that last. I ejaculated some girl juice several times; Ray knew how to get me tuned in, tapped in, turned on. Kim was providing similar feedback to us about her little climaxes. The group lovemaking was special in that we each shared where we were in our experiences of the beautiful evening. 

Each couple changed positions several times in our session. It was particularly erotic when Kim and I were both atop Bill and Ray, and we could see each other, watching the cocks penetrate into pussies, watching breasts undulate and see each other's looks of pleasure, ecstasy, and communion as the minutes passed.




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 03



When almost an hour had passed Ray announced quietly to me, "I am going to cum into your lovely body. Can you join me in my orgasm?"

"I most certainly can," I replied with a kiss to his lips. My breasts and their erect nipples swept across his chest.

"Me too," we heard Bill exclaim with a somewhat pinched voice. 

"And me too," Kim advanced.

Ray was now over me again, and my legs, with bent knees, were locked lovingly behind him. I was really maximizing skin contact not trying to guide or control his movements. But, as he started to increase his pace and the depth of his thrusts, I suddenly wanted more -- and lots of it -- of whatever he was giving me.

Our bodies started to slap together, the reverberations resounding not only across the patio but also across the bay. Then I heard the parallel sound from Bill and Kim; their rhythm matching ours.

A minute or two later I heard the groans and moans escalate to a shriek of joy and then the squeal of an impending climax. I realized it was my own voice. I was cumming. I heard Ray grunting and giving little urging sounds as he surged and thrust down into me.

Then the world evaporated. A nuclear detonation went off. Fireworks shot into the sky. Lights flashed at everyone in the universe at once. A supernova exploded within my brain. I had the most spectacular orgasm of my life. Every nerve and sensor in my body fired off with joy and happiness. I did cease breathing for many seconds as the spasms in my vagina expanded to the rest of my body. I peaked, and the peak lasted for minutes and minutes; this after an hour of torrid fucking -- love making like few in the world ever achieved. I entered heaven, and it welcomed me with open arms. I truly had a spiritual experience.

As I expanded into new dimensions within my own body framework, I was sensitive to Ray. I could feel his strong jets of cum erupting into my body, flooding my vagina with his love. He was looking at me with such a loving gaze, and I reflected that gaze back at him. I felt nothing but love for this man. His back arched and he rose away from me for a few seconds then came down and kissed me all over my face and neck. 

I wanted Kim and Bill to feel as I did. I looked over at them, and they were in their own heavens. Had I not known better I would have wondered if they were frozen forever in their paroxysms of bliss? Their eyes were locked on one another, and they were solidly joined through their sex. I could almost see the surges of Bill's cum into Kim's body as his body twitched and surged into hers.

Ray and I floated down from our stupendous highs. I'd never done drugs, and I wondered briefly if any drug could give you such a high.

We cooed and mewed to each other for several minutes. I was so happy. Kim and I held hands again. Then she whispered to me, "Shall we share what we got?" I knew right away what she meant and smiled wantonly at the idea of eating each other at this stage in the night.

"Where?" I said.

"Other chaise," she replied as she rolled away from Bill and quickly moved to the third lounger on the pool deck. I pulled away from Ray, gave him a kiss and seconds later mounted Kim in a classic "69" position. I was on top so I was aided by gravity as fluids started to leave my body. 

Kim tasted like a rare treat of musky scents and smoky liquids. Her unique girl juices were thoroughly mixed with Bill's cum, a treat I'd enjoyed only a weekend before. I told her how wonderful she tasted. Her muffled voice came from beneath me as she praised my juices and aroma as well. We rolled around and changed places several times searching for the ideal position to savor each other and continue the satisfaction of urges.

When I looked at the men, they were each on their loungers masturbating slowly as they watched the two of us in the dim light. "You two are beautiful," Bill said finally. "You've inspired me and apparently Ray to be ready for a further coupling."

Ray stood and pulled me up from Kim's lounger. "Wait just a minute or two, Pumpkin. See whether what we're about to do interests you." He then turned to Bill and added, "Bill, come over here with Kim and I -- the two of us will do her."

Ray picked up Kim and bent her over the lounger. In seconds, he was embedded in her ass as she panted and swore about the pleasure that produced. He then reclined back on the lounger. Bill moved over her and plunged his stiff cock into her vagina. I was amazed as I watched the two cocks penetrate my friend and lover. Kim was clearly in some other dimension that had ecstasy written all over it. 

The two men pumped, and I swear I could watch both of them grow and harden as their ministrations on Kim progressed. Kim was moaning, and groaning, and making them promise to never stop. 

Kim exploded into an orgasm, announcing the arrival with a series of little shrieks that echoed across the bay that seemed to be synchronized to the thrusts into her body by the two men. Both men paused to give her time to appreciate her climax and to float back down to some more reasonable altitude.

"You guys go do Joyce," Kim told the men in a sate whisper. I suddenly realized that I was about to have the pleasure or pain or whatever of two cocks at once.

Ray again bent me over and gently penetrated my ass. While we'd played with dildos and fingers in this area, I'd never had his cock -- any cock -- up there. It was ... different. I didn't have much time to enjoy the entire sensation alone for Bill moved in front of me and between Ray's legs. His rod was so erect it was standing straight out from his body. He didn't even touch it; he just aimed it at my cunt and pushed into me. I had so much fluid around that he surged right into my body -- I flooded even more as I ejaculated a small amount of fluid into our unions again. 

"Ooooooooooooooh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" I exclaimed. What a wonderful and unusual feeling. This was sex but not the sex I'd learned only a few weeks before. Nothing prepared me for this. 

And then, the orgasms started to arrive. Hit after hit -- they surged through me, one right after another, a peak and only a second or two recovery and then another -- and another -- and another. I screamed, "I keep cumming ... oh my God, again ... and again ... and again. You guys ... you ... keep ... making ... me ... cum."

Then the Big Kahuna came. Almost like the Tantric Orgasm I'd had with Ray only a half hour earlier this one brought similar sensations and emotions that swept through me. I oscillated, I vibrated, and I twitched -- hell every fiber of my body twitched and then I collapsed.

The men kissed me all over as they pulled away. I had never had a night like this one: so many orgasms, so much cum -- my own and the guys, such deep feelings, such inclusive feelings of love, and an awareness of my existence and relationship with the Universe. I created my own heaven.

Bill cuddled me. Ray went over to Kim and held her. Then I was picked up and carried to the pool. Bill walked down the steps into the warm water and let it surround us. Ray and Kim joined us. I floated away just enjoying the afterglow of the evening -- a super afterglow. The stars were out, and the moon was coming over the roof of the house. A thunderstorm raged many miles to the south out over the Gulf of Mexico and we could see the lightning inside it.

Bill came and held me again, and I felt all warm and wonderful. We kissed and smoothed one another. I liked to have my breasts smoothed and he apparently liked smoothing them. He said to me, "You, my love, are full of surprises -- and your friends. I've never enjoyed an evening more. This is one of those times in your life you know you'll always remember, and it will always bring a smile to me." 

"Me too," I said as I kissed him.

Ray suggested that Bill stay over to round out the night. He and I went off to the guest room and cuddled as we fell asleep, leaving Ray and Kim to the big bed in the master suite. Naturally, no one bothered to dress for the occasion.

*

A few months later I got home late from work, and Kim was dancing around the house in some new joy. She came and gave me a big hug and told me, "Stacy's coming. Stacy's coming. In ten days she'll be here for a week. Hurrah. Hurray."

Suddenly I felt insecure again. Stacy was the goddess from the west coast that had lived several years with Ray and Kim. There was a special bond there that I wasn't a part of. I tried to put on a brave face to empathize with Kim's happiness that her long-lost friend was returning for a visit, but it was a sham.

"Oh, Joyce," She said to me, "You don't need to feel bad because she's coming. You'll love her, and she will love you. She already does -- I've shared so much with her about you. In fact, you are one of the primary reasons she decided to come. She wants to meet you."

"To see whether I'm worthy to be with you and Ray?" I posited.

"No, silly," She said, "To build a new friendship." She paused and looked eye to eye at me, "Don't let those old insecurities build up inside you again. There is NO reason for them to surface ... and every reason for you to be happy that you'll meet her and get to enjoy her."

"I know, I know," I exclaimed, frustrated with myself. "It's just so easy for me to slip back into my 'insecure mode.' I've actually been doing better and better each week. I really have made such progress, but the weeks have been kind, and there haven't been many emotional challenges. I think this is a challenge, and I've got to rise and meet it." I grinned, and we kissed.

"I love you," I told her. "You are so important to me."

"And you are to me ... and Ray, too!" She proclaimed.

The house became a beehive of activity in preparation for Stacy's arrival. She was arriving about eight o'clock Friday night on a flight from New York via Atlanta. She was spending the week in New York doing some client work about a new advertising campaign her firm was launching in the east coast media.

Over dinner one night Bill expressed curiosity about Stacy. Kim got her laptop out and produced several dozen pictures of Stacy -- often with Ray or Kim -- from before she'd left and gone west to become Art Director at the agency she worked for. As I studied the photos I was in awe of her beauty; even in the snapshots her loving personality came through. 

I should add that Bill was a standard fixture around the house now. He didn't live there, but Ray often suggested that he move in with us since he was there so often. The four of us played together continually -- dates that were really the four of us without any firm sense of couplehood within our circle. The couples emerged in the evenings when we made love, and even those shifted from night to night or minute to minute. Sexually we were a very happy group. I wondered what Stacy's presence would mean to the group for the week she was with us.

A week later on Friday evening the four of us piled into Bill's large SUV and drove up to the airport. I was nervous, and some of my insecure feelings resurfaced. My voices whispered to me, 'What if she doesn't like you in person? What if you can't stand her? What if she steals Bill from you? You're probably not her match. She has personality, and you don't. She has sex appeal and you're just a plain girl from Ohio.' They went on.

Ray read my mind: "Come in the back seat with me, Pumpkin." I clamored into the big car with him, and then Bill started heading to the airport. Ray softly talked to me, "You are going to meet a special person. I can imagine your voices are active; you look thoughtful like you're listening to them. You should know that they don't always give you the best information or cast the world in the most kind light."

"That's what happening," I admitted. "I'm letting them 'mind fuck' me." This was a favorite expression of Bill when he listened to his own voices more than his gut.

"What does your intuition tell you?" Ray asked.

I was silent for a moment and turned within. Finally, I responded, "That we'll like each other -- a lot. That we'll fit together like peas in a pod."

"That's my expectation too," Ray said. "Hold that thought rather than build up a lot of negatives in your head. You'll worry yourself into creating some state of affairs that neither of you will like. Oh, do you remember about 'compersion?'"

"Yes," I said, "That's when I find pleasure in watching someone I love enjoy something or someone else, like I do when I watch you make love to Kim."

"Just keep that in mind too as we meet and enjoy her presence with us," Ray said. "We haven't seen her in over a year. Even Kim and I aren't sure that our old dynamic hasn't changed. We'll be letting her take the lead."

I nodded.

At the airport, we parked in short-term parking and the four of us went in and waited near the security gate where all arriving passengers passed. Through the large glass windows, we watched as her flight landed and taxied up to the gate. The usual scurry of baggage handlers and refuelers surrounded the belly of the large plane.

A few minutes later the first passengers from Stacy's flight started to appear through the security door, most heading towards the luggage reclaim area. 

Then I heard a loud shriek and a beautiful and tastefully dressed blond ran by me and hurled herself into Ray's arms. I actually had to laugh at the contagion of the greeting. Both were so happy to see one another. Kim was then the subject of the greeting with equally loud tears of joy between the two women. 

Bill and I had stood aside, out of the way of other disembarking passengers. Stacy then caught my eye. She pulled away from Kim and Ray and approached me. "Are you Joyce?" She asked.

"Yes," I said with the smile still on my face.

"Then you are my friend and lover," She said as she embraced me in a bear hug and planted a couple of kisses on my face. "I am soooo glad to meet you. Kim talks about nothing but you. We have so much to talk about." I was taken back but warmed by her greeting. I could see no threat to my life style there, only a warm loving woman glad to be back in the arms of her circle of friends.

She turned to Bill and gave him a hug and kiss too. Amid a buzz of conversation with most of us talking simultaneously, we all headed to the luggage carousels. 

After collecting Stacy's bag, Bill towed it to his car as the rest of us followed. Bill and Ray sat in front. Stacy, Kim, and I got in the back seat with Stacy in the middle. She reached across and held my hand as well as one of Kim's. She smiled so happily at each of us I could feel the love radiating from her body. Her touch seemed to electrify me, and I found myself reaching into my heart and returning the love she exuded back to her. Somehow I knew Kim was doing the same.

It was dark when we got to the house. Bill carried her bag inside and paused wondering where to put it. As a frequent visitor he knew the layout of the entire house, and he'd heard enough about Stacy, Kim, and Ray to know that intimacy between them was likely. Wisely, perhaps, he got the bag up to the second floor and then just left it in the hallway. I smiled at his dilemma not sure myself what direction things would go or whether, indeed, Kim or Ray had given any thought to sleeping arrangement, intimacy arrangements, and the like. 

"I need a swim," Stacy announced. She headed out the back door of the house towards the pool peeling her expensive top from her body. I followed as much from curiosity as from wanting to join her in the pool myself. She stood on the patio and peeled the layers of clothing from her body.

She was a beautiful woman: high cheek bones, the 'just right' placement of eyes, a cute nose, pert breasts that stopped just shy of being pendulous, a trim figure, shapely legs and even pretty ankles. I was probably gawking as she finished undressing.

"Joyce, come and join me. The others will be along soon enough."

A minute later I finished undressing. Stacy had watched me undress and we both stood nude in the night air. She came up to me and took my face in both hands, pressed her body to mine, and gave me a very tender and passionate kiss. I looked deep into her eyes and only saw love, compassion, and caring there. 

"Let's swim," she said taking my hand and leading me to the pool stairs.

"Having you here is like a dream," I told her as we walked towards the deep end. "I have built you up in my mind to be this legend, a goddess, based on what I've heard Kim and Ray say. You know, a story or anecdote here and there, never a real sit down and 'tell me about Stacy' conversation. And, now, here you really are! This is like the messiah suddenly appearing."

Stacy laughed as she floated into the pool on her back; "I'm hardly the stuff legends are made of and far from being a goddess -- except in a dream every now and them. In fact, based on what Kim has shared with me, I think you and I are from the same mold."

I would ask what she meant but Kim, Ray, and Bill came out of the house. Each was nude; Kim was carrying a pile of towels. Ray and Bill dove in as Kim waded in at the shallow end. Ray surfaced next to Stacy, and the two of them engaged in a very significant embrace.

After a few seconds and a few whispered words, Ray said, "Please excuse Stacy and me for a few minutes." He led her from the pool; they each picked up a towel and absorbed the bulk of the pool water still on their bodies, then disappeared into the house. 

After they were gone Kim said, "They need this time alone together. It's long overdue. We may not see them again tonight. It's not just making love; they have some serious talking to do."

"How's that?" I asked.

"We've never shared the full Stacy story with you. Ray pretty much sent her away. It was one of the hardest things he's ever done," Kim explained. "When he met Stacy she was not unlike you -- insecure in her own way, trying to find herself, floundering, wild and chaotic one day and measured and precise the next. She thought she was about to get fired for 'attitude,' had kicked yet another boyfriend out of her life, had really poor relations with her divorced parents, and by her own admission was hanging out with bad company most of the time."

"Wow," I said. Bill had come up behind me and been holding me in his arms as we sort of stood and floated at the same time. I noted that his hands were full of my breasts.

Kim went on, "Ray challenged her to straighten out. I think he offered her something as he did to you -- 'if you want to change I'll help you or else goodbye.' She took the challenge. He taught her his own brand of 'being your own person.' He worked with her to create a model of the person she wanted to be -- it took a few weeks and a lot of outings looking at other people and how they behaved. They had a tremendous number of discussions about options and alternatives."

"Is she that person now? The model she created?" I asked.

"Pretty close," Kim responded. "You see how 'together' she is -- that's real. She's the sharp dresser that you and I are. With Ray's help she finished her last year of college. Her career squared off, and she actually got a promotion. She patched things up with her parents and dumped her questionable friends -- I think they were druggies. She changed who she was in nearly every way you could imagine."

Bill asked, "Then why did Ray send her away -- if that's what he did."

Kim continued, "Stacy got too dependent on Ray -- and me too I guess. She wasn't an independent person. She clung to us for support, guidance, and approval. As a result, we had long discussions about being an independent person. After months of this, the two of them agreed it would be best if she left -- for a while -- to prove that she could function by herself, in her new changed state of life. By this time, we'd been living together for almost three years. Stacy really was a different person by then -- and so was I. She just sought approval all the time."




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 03



I shuddered and asked, "Will I have to leave sometime? Will I get sent away?"

Kim suddenly read my fear, "Oh, Pumpkin. No! You are nothing like what Stacy was. You're just fine and I've never heard Ray or Bill say anything to the contrary."

"Whew!" I exclaimed. 

Bill hugged me and said, "You can always come and be with me -- in whatever status you'd like to have." 

I pulled Bill's arms around me tighter then reached out and pulled Kim to me. I added, "Right now the status I'd like to have is a cock in my cunt and a pussy on my lips." They both laughed, and we got out of the pool and migrated to one of the pool loungers.

A few minutes later Kim and I had sucked Bill's cock into a state where it rivaled tempered steel. I lay back, and Bill slowly penetrated my puss with that wonderful rod. Kim maneuvered over my head holding onto the back of the lounger and lowered her pussy to my lips. 

I alternated my concentration between cock and pussy, pussy and cock, and cock and pussy, over and over again. Kim ejected some girl juice into my seeking mouth as I achieved success at bringing her to a climax. Now I focused on the engorged cock that was now pounding into me. Kim slid down beside me and sucked a breast and nipple into her mouth. 

Thirty seconds later Bill blasted his cum into me, and I exploded in another of my supernova cums where stars shoot across the sky and the earth moves. I was one happy person.

Kim cleaned me out as Bill and I kissed and cuddled. I watched her then start to work on him, his flaccid cock gradually rising. I joined her at his rod, and the two of us took turns sucking him back to life. When he was about 'done,' we each took turns deep throating him. He pleaded for mercy, and we explained that was not an option but that he could fuck the living daylights out of Kim.

This time I mounted Kim's face and let her talented tongue continue its ministrations on my bald pussy. She was very effective. As I neared orgasm after orgasm, I thought how lovely it was to be making love in the warm night air. Everything seemed so less restrictive.

I could feel Bill's thrusts into Kim through Kim's body. It was almost like making love a second time. As I held that thought I had a nice warm and fuzzy orgasm. I enjoyed the bliss as it passed through me then I dismounted from her face and put my attentions on her sensitive nipples, sucking on one and then the other as Bill watched our Sapphic behavior. He lasted longer with Kim since it was his second round of the evening, and we weren't practicing Tantric sex. Nonetheless, Kim had a lovely peak experience that Bill and I helped along.

The three of us cuddled together on the large lounger. I brought over a couple of towels to fend off the night air, and we fell asleep together on the lounger. Somewhere about dawn the three of us stumbled inside and went up to the large bed in the guest room. Good night. Good morning.



The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 04



To my readers: by starting here you have missed some significant events and a necessary understanding of the characters in the story. The author recommends you start this one from the beginning. This is the fourth of four parts.

*

I got up at my usual time and slipped on one of Ray's business shirts that I'd adopted as a housecoat. The sleeves were rolled up and with only one button fastened, and nothing else on it was quite a sexy ensemble.

I had just started wrestling up some breakfast for the five of us when Stacy appeared. She had on the bottom part of a bikini and was topless. She was beautiful even as she rubbed her eyes, her streaked blonds locks in disarray. She came right up to me and put her head on my shoulder for a second then kissed me.

"Good morning," she said.

"And a lovely good morning to you," I replied with a warm smile.

"Busy night?" I questioned.

She replied, "Yes, but the sexual part of it was small -- just our saying 'hello' and touching base in our own way. We talked a lot."

"Kim told me you went to the west coast to grow -- to assert your independence."

"I did and if I say so myself I've been pretty successful," she told me as she sat on one of the tall counter stools. She went on, "When I first met Ray and later Kim, I was pretty messed up. I'd been an alcoholic and used a lot of drugs. I was angry with people: people I worked for, my parents, my kid sister ... everyone. But, most of all I just didn't like myself; I had some strange insecurities and acted out most of the time."

I nodded as I listened and worked at the counter. Stacy took a cup of the coffee I'd prepared for her and kept telling me her story. "Ray ran into me one day at a party. We talked, and I figured he was like every other guy and only wanted to get in my pants. Turns out he really wanted to get into my mind. It's as though he could tell right away that I was screwed up."

"I had a similar start with him," I told her.

Stacy continued, "So he offered to help me get unscrewed up and to become happy with myself." She paused and thought, "I'll skip the details, but it was not an overnight fix. In the process we fell in love only I became pretty dependent on him. Kim came along about then too, and I had mixed feelings about our threesome. Some days I loved Kim and others I was pretty jealous but that emotion sort of went away as we kept living together and we all started to grow. Next thing I knew I was emotionally dependent on the two of them."

"You'd sorted out the rest of your life?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "Ray eventually made me go and talk to all the people I'd been mad at -- my parents, my sister, people at work, some old boyfriends, and even an old minister. I apologized to each one and tried to build a new and more constructive relationship with them. I'm struggling with a few even now. The two of them helped me define what a positive and constructive relationship looked like in each case on my list."

She went on, "Ray and Kim were patient and kept trying to get me to stand on my own two feet -- emotionally. I'd go out and be brave in the workplace or on my apologizing journeys, but then I'd race back and seek their shelter and solace. I was still pretty timid just not as screwed up or offensive."

"Did you have voices? You know that told you that you were a bad person or such?" I asked.

"Oh yes," she said and laughed. "I still have them. Ray's taught me some tricks to turn them off or overpower them but they're still there. I'm definitely in control now; however, and they don't come back too often -- at least not with the vengeance they had."

"So why the west coast?" I asked.

"Ray suggested I try a change of scenery: go make my mark on the world where I know no one, and can prove to myself that I'm a worthy and independent adult. We talked about it for a year before I saw the wisdom in the idea. It was hard because we were all so entangled in each other's lives, but I lined up a job with an advertising agency out there and fourteen months ago I drove away. I cried all the way across the country." She paused.

"And?" I asked as I worked on the bacon and sausage for our clan.

Her mood changed. "And I was a big success, of course!" She laughed. "I'd been hired as sort of an assistant art director. I think they wanted to look at me and see whether I fit in. I did. The guy that was the art director wanted to work more on the client relationship and marketing side of the business. Anyway, after a few months one of the Big Bosses called me into her office, congratulated me and told me I was the new Vice President and Art Director. Good grief, I suddenly had thirty people working for me. They even gave me stock in the company."

She continued, "I took to it like a duck to water. Meanwhile, emotionally I really established my independence. I missed Ray and Kim but somehow wasn't dysfunctional about it -- a concern that the two of them had. I date occasionally and have created a whole new circle of friends. I might add they're all fine people -- no bad habits like my old crowd."

I laughed. "Wow," I said, "and you did all this in a year."

"At first I was depressed. I was in a new City, and I didn't know anyone except a few colleagues at my new job; I missed Ray and Kim something fierce. My car died. I lost my wallet. Kim e-mailed me that I was probably creating some 'disaster syndrome' for myself to prove I was unworthy to the world. She told me I had to turn things around fast -- emotionally, and spiritually so I was giving off good vibes to the world -- vibrations that would make the world want to support me."

I nodded and put the eggs on to cook.

"So one weekend I went and sat beside the Pacific Ocean -- morning, noon, and night. I spent the whole time psyching myself up as to how great I was; how I could withstand some setbacks; how I was an adult and outgoing enough to find some new friends, and on and on. And miraculously by Sunday night I really felt as if everything had changed. And the next day I knew it had."

"How?" I asked.

"People started to ask me to join them for coffee or lunch. One guy knew another that ran a CarMax franchise, and the two of them helped me find a really great car that I could afford. My landlord came and offered me a nicer apartment -- at the same rent -- that overlooked the Bay because he liked me and wanted to do some work on the one I'd originally rented. I had some major successes at work. All that in the few days after that weekend of ... well, I guess you could call it meditation and focusing."

"You attract what you think," I posited.

"Oh, put it differently," She said. "You attract what you want as well as what you tell the Universe you don't want. You get plenty of both so I made sure I was telling the Universe more and more of what I wanted, and it delivered. I've really learned to be very positive in my thinking and outlook."

Bill appeared in his boxers. Stacy got off her tall stool and put her arms around him and kissed him as though she'd been his paramour for years. He was pleasantly surprised, and I watched his fingers lightly stroke her breasts. "Thank you," he said with a smile. "That's a very nice way to greet the day."

I took my cue and repeated the greeting to him. Stacy smiled at me.

"Where's Kim? Any sign of Ray?"

Bill said, "I think they're both in the shower -- same one. No telling how long that will take, and I smell coffee and bacon. Yummy."

"OK," I said, "Breakfast is served for the early birds." I served our three plates saving enough for Ray and Kim. I'd just finished spooning things on the plates when Kim appeared looking bright eyed and bushy tailed. She had that freshly fucked look on her face, but no one commented on the occasion. She was also wearing a monokini. I guess I missed the orders of the day. 

Kim kissed each of us and then prepared two plates from my fixings. "Ray will be down in a minute. He was almost done," She explained.

The five of us sat around the patio table having a healthy Saturday morning breakfast and talking about plans for the day. It ended up guys for golf and gals for pool and shopping. This was not a surprise.

After the guys headed off to play at The Oaks Country Club, Kim, Stacy, and I swam and then lay in the sun on the patio. Stacy continued with her tales of starting an independent life in California. 

Stacy was also fascinated with the work that I was engaged in and the mini-MBA program that Ray was working on with Kim and me. I explained that I'd done a lot of reading and study about strategic planning and was now focusing on corporate finance. She asked whether I'd done business cases and I explained that Ray was doing two cases a week with us on wide-ranging business issues.

Stacy told me several times that she wished she could hire me on the spot and fly me out to San Francisco. Then she was enthralled with Kim's current decorating ideas including the use of colors and oblique geometrics, and the two of them had a hot discussion about how the ideas could also be applied to media and technology. Often, we were all talking at once with great enthusiasm. Not a word was lost.

Of course, we also talked about our unique life style -- the foursome that resulted between Ray, Kim, Bill and me. Kim urged Stacy to join us all that evening; however, Stacy admitted that she was already looking forward to such an event. She even added a very passionate kiss to reinforce the message that it wasn't only the guys that might be interested in her nubile body. I was pleased to join in and add my kisses to the invitation.

The three of us looked at each other. Kim vocalized the desire we each felt; "Are we going to have a feminine threesome or shall we wait for tonight with Ray and Bill?" I'm sure we were all tempted; however, we decided to hold off until the evening. That didn't keep us from kissing, smoothing, and teasing one another as we passed one another in the house. When we went shopping I actually pulled Stacy into a changing booth just so I could passionately kiss her; Saks Fifth Avenue will never be what it was for me -- she kissed back and fingered my soaking wet pussy. She wasn't the least surprised that I wasn't wearing my usual thong. When we came out Kim gave us a questioning glance; Stacy let her lick her fingers.

The day gave way to a lovely dinner. Kim, Stacy, and I each dressed in short white cocktail dresses with spike heels. When we finished our hair and makeup, we were really three of the hottest women in the state. The guys dressed in casual black so there was a dramatic contrast between the gals and guys. We had fun at dinner; dining at a new restaurant called The Library where the décor emphasized old leather bound books and the knickknacks you'd find in the stately library of a southern plantation.

An hour after dinner ended the five of us stood naked in the master bedroom with a dozen candles scattered around the room to provide a romantic air. Each of the women had a gardenia in her hair; a result of the advanced thinking of Bill and Ray.

Ray kissed Stacy and nudged her towards Bill. Bill looked like a cat that swallowed the canary he was so happy as she walked up to him and planted a sexy French kiss on him. I watched the tongue action briefly then became preoccupied with Ray and Kim. Ray suggested a rule that what ever happened that night had to happen on the large bed and we all agreed. 

Ray started the night with a lovely ménage a trois with Kim and me. Initially, I was poised over Ray's mouth as he sucked my hot pussy. Kim and I had rendered a lovely blowjob until she mounted him; it was then I moved over his mouth as I held onto the headboard of the bed. Kim and I both started to make strange moaning sounds; I would have laughed except I was so caught up in the exquisite feelings Ray's tongue was eliciting from me. Kim must have been in a nice place too for she kept sighing and groaning as she bounced up and down on Ray's cock.

Bill initially chose to savor the delights of Stacy's quim and her mewlings confirmed the pair was mutually content. Stacy lay next to me holding her breasts and fondling her own nipples as Bill fingered and tongue-fucker her cunt. I could tell she was in heat for I could hear the squishy sounds from the action; she'd told me earlier she emitted a lot of 'girl juice' when the sexual action started.

Kim finally popped off a small orgasm, and miraculously Ray didn't ejaculate. Instead, he slowed and rolled Kim gently towards Stacy. Stacy held her arms out and caught Kim as Ray's rigid cock popped out of her cunt. The two women kissed. Bill moved up and inserted his cock into Stacy, resulting in a long and satisfied sigh from her. Even as she held Kim she started bucking into his thrusts and extending her hand to urge him into her body.

Ray pulled me into a missionary position beneath him and then teased my pussy with his rigid cock. I kept trying to impale him with my willing hole, but the best I got for the minute or two he teased was an inch or so of cock. Then with one fell swoop he inserted his entire length into my aching cunt. I loved it and moaned with deep satisfaction. The two of us started to move into each other's bodies.

I was close and very wet. It was no surprise to either of us when I came after only a minute of his careful thrusts into me. He suckled my breasts for a moment as I came down from my high. I felt deliriously in love -- not just with Ray but everyone in the room.

Ray then said to the group, "Women rotate counterclockwise." While the direction was ambiguous, we understood when he meant. Ray pulled out of me, and I moved into Kim's arms. Bill put his hard rod into Kim with the resultant sigh and moan. Stacy moved to Ray and with a word or two suggested that she mount him cowgirl style. 

As Ray started to fuck Stacy (or vice versa), I could reach up and fondle Stacy's tits. She had large areolae, and at that moment her nipples were standing out from her body about a half-inch. She was unbelievably aroused. Kim whispered in my ear, "Rub Stacy's clit," so I extended my arm to the junction of Ray and Stacy and found the moist nubbin. Stacy orgasmed less than a minute later, falling into Ray's arms with a shriek.

Bill and Kim had been in a slow fuck as they watched Stacy and Ray. Now, however, I turned my attention to Kim, repeating the process of massaging her clitoris as Bill's cock moved in and out of her lithe body. I moved down and sucked on Kim's breasts. We'd done this before, many times, yet each time was different. As I did this to Kim, Bill's fingers found my hole and he started to thrust his fingers into me.

The three of us continued like this for several minutes until Ray again suggested, "Ladies, please rotate counterclockwise again." Stacy moved into my arms with a very wet and passionate kiss. I raised my legs bent at the knees and opened myself to Bill; he was in me in a flash -- his long rod producing a near climax as he sank into me. Ray was in Kim in an instant as well and in less than a minute I heard the two of them spasm into their climaxes. Ray had been unable to resist the third cunt of the night.

Bill sped up in his thrusts into me. I could tell he was near; his cock swelled to twice its thickness as he jammed his rod into me with deliberate intent. Stacy was fingering my clit, and she was sucking on my breasts. 

I exploded into a peak orgasm. Waves of pleasure washed over me. Through my bliss, I became aware that Bill and Stacy were passionately kissing me. Often, the three of us kissed and tongued together. Wow! What loving. I prolonged the contact with Bill enjoying the sensation of his large cock filling my sated pussy. 

The five of us lay there in our bliss. Then I felt Bill withdraw from me and Stacy's fingers replace his cock. She said to me, "I've been wanting to fuck you all day." With that she slid down my body and planted her mouth over my sopping wet cunt. I availed myself to her and stroked her head as she pleasured me and sucked Bill's cum from me. Bill watched right beside us stroking his rod back to life. 

Ray moved down Kim's body and proceeded to eat his cum from her as well. Kim climaxed again in seconds, grabbing my hand and clutching it to her breasts as she hit her high. Then, to my surprise, Ray and Stacy changed places. Ray was on my cunt, and Stacy was on Kim. Bill had restored himself to sufficient hardness to be in business; he moved behind Stacy and thrust into her with a mighty stroke. She shrieked into Kim's pussy as he sank into her.

I told Ray I wanted his cock in my mouth, and he moved up the bed to where I could have him. I inhaled his rod, tasting Kim's juices still fresh on him. I was now a master of the deep throat and soon was taking his entire length. Bill was watching as he doggie fucked Stacy. I think it was too much for him for shortly he announced his impending climax, and then he came inside Stacy, bringing her to a climax.

Ray hardened as he watched the others and responded to my continued tongue-lashing. He moved down my body and thrust into me. We went fast and hard with one another by unspoken agreement. My legs locked behind his back and urged him into me with a rare ferocity. He responded. The two of us crested together and burst into two orgasms. Somewhere in the distance I heard Kim cum as well as we were floating down from our highs.

Now we really had five satisfied people, a room that smelled wonderful, and a set of bed linens that would be embarrassing to ask anyone else to wash. Bill extinguished all but one of the candles and came back to the bed. With some cooings and sighs, the five of us nestled into one another and went to sleep.

*

By the end of the week that Stacy could spend with us, I had a new friend and lover. We had so many things in common and thought about the world in the same way. I thought I'd found another soul mate. It was hard when she left and headed back to the west coast.

The day after Stacy departed Ray took me out to a private dinner -- just the two of us. The purpose was to do a Relationship Assessment as he called it. I was curious and eager to see what this would be like. Ray had made sure that the invitation was non-threatening and just a loving gesture. He took me to my favorite restaurant in Sarasota -- Zoria's, where we were able to get a table on the sidewalk and watch all the surrounding sights that cruised by.

After we'd gotten our wine and selected from the menu Ray asked, "So, Joyce, are you happy with our relationship -- you, me, Kim, Bill, and sometimes Stacy?"

"Oh, Yes!" I exclaimed. "You guys have turned my whole life around over the past six months. How could I not love you all? I am supremely happy with where this life journey has taken me. Are you guys still OK with me being with you all the time?"

"Solidly, yes," Ray replied as he lovingly squeezed my hand across the table. "I'm just making sure we don't need to make adjustments or that there are some areas of our relationship we haven't really touched on yet. By the way, I speak for myself and I'm pretty sure Kim feels the same, but I need to have a dinner with her soon too." He paused and sipped his wine then asked, "Do you feel any jealousy in or around our relationship?"

"No," I stated flatly, "Absolutely not. I don't feel it and I don't think any of us do either. I think it's amazing after what we're taught by society about 'couple only' relationships and to block everyone else out. Now I find that is all a bunch of shit. Here, I am in a relationship with multiple guys and women and I love every second of it. I thank the stars every day that you brought me into this ... and that we're so compatible." I squeezed his hand.

"What about your financial status?" Ray asked. "You've been giving me your entire paycheck and accepting what I give you back for your expenses and such. I know your condo is paying for itself with the rental that's in there. Where do you want to be financially? I certainly don't want to stand in your way."




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 04



I answered, "I hope I've been carrying my weight financially. I don't know the big picture. I guess I should if you're willing to share the numbers. When I moved in, I was content to turn it all over to you. You are so competent in this area and independently wealthy and all. I figured you'd tell me if I needed to do something."

"Oh," Ray said; "We have some homework to do here. Even at your age we should be sure you have a retirement plan and savings, insurance, and such that if you ever decide you can pull away from us cleanly." I nodded but couldn't imagine such an event. He went on, "As for your contribution, you are more than contributing to our living expenses and pool. I've kept account, and you have a nice balance in it -- for a rainy day or trip around the world." He smiled at me.

Our meals came, and over dinner we talked about how we all resolve conflicts and our rare tiffs with one another, the division of labor in the household -- chores and the like, emotional support we give each other -- an A+ on all counts, and actually how satisfied I was with our sex life -- another A+.

Ray then asked about how I was feeling overall versus what I wanted to accomplish when we first met up on Long Beach. Back then I knew I wanted to change -- needed to change. Now I'd been through so much, usually at his urging or tutelage.

I thought for several minutes as we ate about how to answer his question then I began. "When I met you I was shy, insecure, sheltered, unsophisticated, avoided risk, socially inept, a nerd, narrowly focused on my job, dressed poorly, and ... oh yes, a virgin." I laughed. "Now, you've pulled me out of my shell. I feel socially aware and plugged in. You and Kim have dramatically changed how I dress. You've made me more of risk taker, and I find it fun to see the risks in some situation and wade into them now. Further, you've turned me into a pilot, a piano player, and someone pretty knowledgeable about the business I'm in."

"Go on," Ray encouraged.

"I still have my insecure moments, like when Stacy arrived last week, but I know that everyone has moments like that. They don't bother me as much as they used to. The voices in my head are under control -- mostly. I have a bad moment every now and then, and I guess everyone does. Officially, I'm dating one of the most handsome guys at work -- Bill. Oh, and I'm not a virgin any more. Thank God." I laughed again and hugged Ray's hand to me.

I thought for a moment as Ray looked at me then added, "No. It's not, thank God. It's thank YOU," I emphasized. "Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm sure you see some things you want to change in me, and I'm open to try or at least to talk about it. Guide me."

Ray laughed, "Oh, Joyce. I love you so. You're done in my book. You're normal -- as normal as anyone in our family -- anyone I know. You like who you are. You do like who you are, don't you?" 

I nodded with a big smile. 

He continued, "If you're happy with our ménage, I guess there's not much to change right now. You should be very proud of all the changes you made. I only made suggestions and nudged you in one direction or another. In some ways I had more experience than you, but you were the one that did the changing."

I agreed.

He added, "Now you should nudge yourself in some new directions. Your goals that you set six months ago have been pretty much accomplished. You'll cement them in over the next six months, but you need some new goals -- not just for six months but for the longer term too. You don't have to answer now, but you should think about them and add a new page in your journal about them. What you set out to do you'll accomplish."

I responded, "I see what you mean. I'll give it some thought. I know I'd like to make some interesting things happen around work -- or change jobs perhaps to something more challenging and, would you believe it, more social. I'd love something with more people contact. Let me think about it."

*

The same month that Ray held 'Relationship Assessment' talks with Kim and me, I got promoted. It was a complete surprise and a huge boost to my confidence and self esteem. When I'd first gone to work at Lear Marketing and Advertising -- the name of my company -- I thought I'd be a software designer and Internet guru for them forever. Suddenly, with the promotion I was a senior manager and responsible for about half the people in the small company. This was fine since I liked them all and near as I could tell they liked me.

Ray and Kim helped me celebrate my promotion with a party at the yacht club. There were dozens of acquaintances there as well as lots of people from work. We had a lot of fun. I couldn't help but reflect that a year earlier I would have skipped the event in rank terror of the socialization that I would have had to do. Instead, I was the belle of the ball.

Bill, part of our extended family, was ecstatic about my promotion. We were now almost at the same level in the company, and it gave us an excuse to interact together more often. Bill told me, "Joyce, I really like the way you think. You have great ideas and they're always implementable. I always feel privileged to work with you." He added softly, "The fact that we're also lovers is a great benefit as well."

Later that same week Ray and Bill impaled me on their cocks in a very hot double penetration that left me breathless. Kim sucked on my breasts at the same time. I had so many orgasms I couldn't begin to count, they all ran together in one, long, heavenly event. What a great way to celebrate.

*

Four months later Stacy called me out of the blue. We'd swapped e-mails about once a week, sometimes with a bad joke or the latest photo of her or the four of us in Florida, so it was unusual when I picked up the phone and she was there.

"Joyce," she asked, "I was wondering if you could come out to the west coast and consult to our agency for a week?" She outlined a list of problems her agency was struggling with and why she thought I could make a contribution as well as their very generous offer for financial payment for my visit. Since there was no overlap in our markets she felt it wouldn't be a conflict of interest. She added, "Besides, I know you've never been out here, and it's a fun place to visit." After a pause she said, "And moreover, I miss you."

I felt my insecurities start to arise but only slightly before the new risk taker in me blurted out, "How soon do you need me?" 

Stacy yelped with anticipation and said, "The sooner the better! You tell me."

"I'll sort out some stuff at work. I think I can do it by the middle of next week." We hung up, and I went off to sort out taking a week or so 'off.' By the end of the day I e-mailed Stacy that I'd arrive the following Wednesday evening at SFO.

I'd copied Ray and Kim on my e-mails with Stacy so by the time I got home they were aware of my impending visit and very enthusiastic that I go out and see her. "Bring her back to stay," Both told me. I laughed thinking how unlikely that would be.

A week later Stacy met me in the late afternoon at San Francisco airport with wild hugs and kisses and shrieks of joy that I'd actually made it to the west coast. To tell the truth I was rather happy at my travels too; it was not something I would have even entertained a year earlier.

The two of us talked a mile a minute as we collected by bag and walked back to her car. I realized along the way that all the cute guys in the airport were watching us as we walked by. It was the one of the rare times I was significantly aware that I attracted attention and, of course, it helped that Stacy was there too. I chuckled to myself at how much my image had changed.

Stacy warned me about Bay Area traffic. I was horrified that people would put up with it on a daily basis. She laughed. She had a little Nissan sports car, and it was a fun ride to her condo. During the ride, she told me more about her marketing and advertising agency and the problems and issues they were facing from her point of view. She also told me she had some nice surprises for me over the weekend I'd be there.

At her apartment, we unpacked my stuff, and I presented her with a couple of books I thought she'd like as a house gift. I freshened up from the flight, and then she told me we were headed out to dinner -- on the expense account; of course. 

Stacy took me down to the Embarcadero where we walked along and browsed all the cute shops, and I bought a few things to take back to Ray, Bill and Kim. We then went to the Waterfront Restaurant and were lucky enough to get a table out over the water where we could watch the night-lights come on around us and across the Bay. 

Yes, it was very romantic and so when Stacy and I got back to her condo, it was with ease and happiness that we kissed each other rather erotically. I recalled that I'd savored every pore of her body at one time or another during her week with us a couple of months earlier. This seemed natural and right.

"I want to make love to you," Stacy told me.

I nodded and said, "Me too."

One by one and very slowly, we removed each piece of clothing the other wore. As our breasts became exposed we took turns suckling on them and arousing the nipples. We continued until we stood before each other naked except for a strand of pearls I was wearing, and a pendant necklace Stacy had on.

With that Stacy led me to her Queen size bed and we flounced down into the down comforters. I said, "You should remove these otherwise we'll stain them with our juices." She laughed as she kicked them to the floor.

The laughter turned to moans and sighs as she came between my legs and worked her tongue deep into my wet pussy. She came up for air and stated, "Oh, Joyce, you taste divine. I could stay here all night."

"I hope you do," I panted in reply as I stroked her hair.

She added some fingers, and then I knew she was searching for my G-spot -- that special place on the upper front of my vagina that makes all my lights come on at full power. She found it. 

"Oh shit, Stacy," I moaned, "You're going to ...going to make me ... cummmmmmmm!" And so I did, squirting my girl juice into her hand and ready mouth as my orgasm swept over me. She just hummed into my cunt -- a sensation all its own -- to indicate that she liked what had happened.

After I floated down from my high I pulled her up where we could kiss and I could suck and lick her beautiful breasts. "I love you, Stacy," I told her. We kissed passionately again -- and again. Then I slid down her body to return the favors she'd bestowed upon me. 

Soon, I was the one searching around in her pussy for her G-spot as I lapped and sucked on her clitoris. Stacy was clean-shaven so it was a treat to wander her landscape without encountering pubic hair. I felt interior skin of a slightly different texture about where I figured my own G-spot was, and I focused there for a minute as I thrust three fingers in and out of her body.

Suddenly, Stacy shuddered and moaned; her back arched and a large amount of ejaculate squirted into my mouth from her pussy. She cried, "Oh, Joyce. Darling. Wow! Wow! Wow!"

I came up and shared her fluid with her. We lapped at each other, tasting ourselves and each other as we kissed and tongued each other.

"I got some toys to celebrate your arrival," she said reaching into her bedside drawer. She produced a long double-ended dildo with a nice gentle "U" shape to it. She pushed one end of it into me, and I felt like the largest cock in the world had just penetrated me. I gasped. 

She then slid down next to me impaling herself onto the other half of the sex toy. We then started to rotate our hips and thrust into each other as we kissed and smoothed the other key parts of our anatomies. This was female heaven. We established a nice rhythm, and soon we both came again. 

Lest we tire ourselves out completely we called it a night after that. We stayed nude and washed up for bed then cuddled together and went to sleep. I had what I call 'happy dreams' that night. I was exhausted and up about three hours later than normal according to my original time zone.

The next morning I awoke before the alarm went off. I just lay beside Stacy and looked at her with a feeling of love and compassion in my heart. I really felt mellow and tender towards her. After a while her eyes fluttered open, and she gave me a lovely smile, then a very tender kiss.

"I love you," I told her.

"And I love you," she replied. We looked at each other, hugged tightly then started the morning rituals that got us ready for work.

Before we walked out the door of her condo, we stood by her floor to ceiling mirror and looked at each other. 

"Hot," I said gesturing to her very stylish office wear.

"Hot," she said in reply gesturing to my own duds. "Let's go impress the hell out of someone other than ourselves." We laughed and were out the door.

Half an hour later we walked into Stacy's work carrying the mandatory cup of Starbuck's coffee. The offices were sleek, modern, and colorful. Large panels on the walls captured excerpts from some of the agency's media or interactive work. The effect inspired confidence and gave one the feeling that you'd reached some creative nirvana where the very best brains in the world could help you find customers and have them buy your product or services.

The day went by in a flash. I'd been introduced to most of the senior executives of the company -- a mix of talented men and women. After some more background information about the company and their clients, I started to interview the executives in one-on-one meetings. I took copious notes and waited for a pattern to emerge about what I was hearing. 

By five-thirty I was wiped out. Stacy rescued me from the conference room that I'd been assigned. She led me back to her car and back to Embarcadero for some special martinis at one of her favorite watering holes. While there I met some of her other friends, and we had some salads and bar food delivered for us to snack on.

I faded fast, and soon she rescued me again, took me home and tucked the two of us into bed with tender embraces and kisses. "Tomorrow I'll feel more like playing," I promised her. Then I thought about it some more as I lay there next to her and the next thing I knew we were bringing sweet orgasms to one another. Then I really slept.

When I woke up Friday morning, it was Stacy that was awake and watching me with a loving gaze. "Wow, you really conked out." I smiled wanly and hugged her. 

"Morning breath," I warned but she kissed me anyway.

Friday went pretty much the same as the day before. I started right in and continued interviewing the rest of the senior managers, spending at least an hour or more with each one asking about their views on the agency, its growth prospects and potential, and the issues and problems as they saw them. Again, I took pages of notes.

By six o'clock when I stopped, I was saturated with information. I went and found Stacy and got a big smile. She was on the phone just ending a call. 

"You look so important," I observed as she hung up. "I mean you must be; look at the view you have of the City. People would pay you a dollar just to come to your office and take pictures for two minutes. Remind me to bring my camera on Monday when we come back." She laughed off her competence as she packed a light briefcase. 

"What's your pleasure for dinner?" She asked.

"You, darling," I whispered in case anyone else was around. That earned me another big smile. I added, "You know the spots. You pick."

Half an hour later we sat is the subdued luxury of the lounge at the Sir Francis Drake Hotel off Union Square. Stacy informed me that she loved the lushness of the place. Further, she explained she was a descendant of Sir Francis Drake himself -- the controversial explorer who among other things discovered the Antarctic in 1521.

Over dinner in the hotel's Scala's Bistro we talked about what I'd heard from the senior managers in Stacy's agency. Some themes were starting to emerge, important ones that none of the manager's seemed to see. I grabbed my purse and made some notes about them so I could remember them later.

Stacy and I made love that night. It became a contest of who could deliver the most orgasms to whom as the night went on. We loved. We fucked. We masturbated for each other. We masturbated each other. And then, we did it all over and over and over again. Mostly we made love -- it was nice. I was sexually sated when we finally turned out the light and slid into dreamland. I had 'happy dreams' again.

Saturday morning Stacy gave me a small bag to pack some casual clothes for a simple overnight at a surprise place that she knew I'd love. We were away by nine o'clock and driving north out of the City. We quickly crossed the Golden Gate Bridge satisfying a dream I'd always had to see the bridge up close. We drove through Sausalito, San Rafael and then up into wine country around Sonoma and Napa. 

Then to my surprise Stacy turned her little sports car onto a side road for a few miles and then into a driveway with closed majestic gates. A small sign indicated the name of the home was 'Una Dulce Uva' -- a sweet grape. She opened her car window and entered a code into a keypad, and the gates slowly swung open. She drove on along a winding driveway with grape arbors along either side of the road; about a half mile later we came to a gorgeous stone house with meticulous landscaping all around it and several out buildings. She pulled her car up the circular driveway in front of the house and stopped.

As we got out of the car, a couple appears at the portico that led to the front door. The woman I recognized from the agency; I'd interviewed her the day before -- Christina Verano. She was beautiful with long black hair, carefully applied makeup, a shapely torso, and trim figure. She and Stacy hugged, and then I got a hug too. Christina introduced us to her husband -- Aljerandro; a hunk of a man dressed in all white with a red sash to his slacks. Both were barefoot.

The couple led us into the large stone home. I kept saying, "Wow!" As we moved into a great room with a cathedral ceiling and surrounding balcony with a white wrought iron banister. The room was done in a honey yellow and white and had various contrasts as different rooms and hallways branched off the great room. The room was nicely appointed with books, photos, and original art.

"I love your home," I said to Christina. She beamed with pride.

"We are pleased," she said. "We've lived here about fifteen years, of course, I don't get to enjoy it much during the week. I live in the City during the week, and I'm out here for the weekends and of course holidays." 

Christina led us upstairs and showed a beautiful sunlit room that looked out across the vineyard. "This is where you two will stay tonight. The bath is through there." I noted the huge king size bed, and Stacy gave me a big smile behind Christina's back. I smirked. Christina continued showing us the rest of the upstairs then led us downstairs to a shaded stone porch. "Come and sit; we'll have coffee brought out."

I commented on the elegance of the house and how pleased I was to be a houseguest. As I finished a beautiful, middle-aged Hispanic woman brought out a silver tray with a complete coffee service on it. She left it for us and disappeared back into the house. Aljerandro joined us and slid into a chair beside me. I could feel his masculinity even when I shut my eyes -- strong pheromones.

I asked, "How big is your vineyard? Do you work it yourselves? Tell me about this place."

Aljerandro explained there were about one hundred and fifty acres of vineyards on their three-hundred acre parcel. They'd split the grapes with about eighty acres planted with Merlot wine grapes and the remainder with Chardonnay wine grapes. He talked a few minutes about the lineage of the plantings and how they'd been made disease resistant and drought tolerant. I noticed as he talked a distinct Hispanic accent that I found hard to identify.




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 04



"Tell me about yourselves too," I asked. "You know about me from Stacy and from our meeting yesterday." I was curious and fascinated by this exotic couple.

Aljerandro looked with curiosity at Christina; she gazed back at him as though authorizing him to share their lives. Finally, he began; "I am Argentine but have been in America for thirty years. We bought this place in 1990 after I'd lived and worked in the California wine industry for many years before that -- just not as my own boss. I had a small inheritance that we used to buy this place. It was run down at the time." He laughed and added; "I used to have one boss, now I have fifty bosses." He laughed.

He paused and went on, "Christina and I met in 1980 and married a year later. We have two daughters that have just finished college. Both are opting, for now, to stay near their schools -- one in Tucson and the other in Denver. So I'm here all week running the vineyard." He got a big smile on his face and added, "This is my joy and my passion. I have never been happier." He nodded to his wife.

Christina added details to his impressive biography and business success and told us more about her own background. "I was working in a marketing firm specializing in wines when we met -- that's how we met. He came to talk about marketing for the company he worked for. Poof! We fell in love." She smiled warmly at her husband then reached and held his hand.

"We bought this place a decade or so after we got married. I tried to commute from here, but it was taking two and sometimes three hours each way. The money and job satisfaction were high; the commute sucked. I tried to change jobs but that wasn't going to work either. Ultimately, I did change jobs, but I was still in the City, so I decided to live there part of the time. By then the girls were in private school so a daily 'mother' wasn't needed. Plus Aljerandro had fallen in love with the vineyard -- his fill-time mistress." She laughed, and he shrugged acceptance at the accusation.

Stacy injected a point with an air of mischief in her voice, "Tell Joyce about your boyfriend." My ears perked up.

Christina smiled, glanced at Aljerandro and openly reflected, "I sort of have two husbands. Aljerandro is my weekend and legal husband. I also have a loving relationship with a man named Grant Winslow; I live with him during the week when I'm in San Francisco. Interestingly enough his wife lives about twenty minutes north of here. If his wife Meredith or Aljerandro get lonely during the week, they can drive and see the other. We all have a very open relationship." Aljerandro nodded.

She added, "Stacy figured out what was going on and asked me one day in confidence. I answered her questions, but asked her not to spread it around the company. It'd just feed the rumor mill. Anyway, Stacy told me about her relationship with Ray, Bill, Kim, and you. So we all have unusual relationships." She smiled warmly, almost as though she was inviting something more.

"How long?" I asked. I had been curious since I'd found the relationship with Ray and Kim about how long such an unusual relationship could survive. 

"Since 1994," Aljerandro answered. "We met Grant and his wife at a charity event in Napa. We immediately liked each other and started to socialize. One evening after we'd become very good friends both Christina and Grant were complaining about the commute. They had occasionally carpooled. Grant jokingly said, 'We should live together in the City during the week and leave these two out here to fend for themselves among the grapes.' Well the idea took root. I think it was Grant's wife Meredith that suggested the two of them take it seriously."

Even as I asked the next question I was joyous that their complicated relationship had lasted so long. If things had gone on this long they could go on forever. "The way you spoke, there is a sexual side to this relationship?" I stated partly as a question. 

"Oh yes," Christina said. "We talked among ourselves about whether such an arrangement was possible without breaking up the two marriages. In the end, we decided to try it. To tell the truth, I think it has made both marriages stronger and more loving. We all gave up jealousy and the idea that you can only love one person. We've extended our family just the way you have. Grant picks me up on the way into the City on Monday morning, and we try to get back here by Thursday night or mid-afternoon on Friday, and there are a lot of long weekends and Monday holidays. Grant and I have a condo near the Embarcadero."

The discussion turned to the complications of the complex relationships we'd created and the sources of their failure. There were no surprises. One or more of the partners getting jealous or feeling things were out of balance was a primary cause. Lack of communication we agreed was too vague but certainly a source -- really lack of openness and sharing of feelings and emotions. Christina and Aljerandro opened their hearts to us, and it was a rich discussion. I learned a lot and felt I had something great to take back to Sarasota that could help and strengthen our relationships.

Even though we hadn't moved we had lunch on the patio, again served by the beautiful household wait staff. This was the first time when I'd seen such service in a private home as a matter of routine. I asked Aljerandro if they lived here. He told me that most of them had apartments over the large outbuilding we'd passed on the way up the drive. I could tell he was proud of them and the fine job they did to support the vineyard and his family.

"Do they know about the unusual living arrangements you and Christina have?" I asked as an afterthought.

He chuckled as he started his reply, "Yes, they all do now. There was an awkward time when Meredith came here and would stay over. It took a year or so, but we got over it when they saw that we had a loving and caring relationship. We say 'Love Conquers All.' I think it does. Some of the staff expressed their displeasure on religious grounds. I pulled out my Bible and taught them about Love and how it is the primary theme of the entire book. We had some deep discussions of sin, heaven, and hell too. They know that I believe we create those concepts in our heads and make them a reality for ourselves in this life. Overall, we're a spiritual household but the aspects of sin and hell that the Church created have no harbor here."

"Nor in my life," I said as I strongly supported him. 

Stacy joined in, "Joyce has spent most of the last year rebuilding herself. The person you see today is not at all like she was a year ago. She's gone from nerdy, shy and withdrawn person to a pretty normal, outgoing, and pretty woman. A lot of her growth has been in the spiritual side of her life too."

"Are you two lovers?" Christina asked openly.

"Yes," we both replied simultaneously. We laughed at the occurrence. I went on, "I don't know if we'd have ever met without Ray and Kim having first had a relationship with her, but we love that we can be together now." Stacy smiled and nodded then reached over and held my hand.

Christina nodded knowingly. One of the servants came and cleared away the last of our lunch. 

Aljerandro then said, "Today you are our guests at a vineyard. It is now time for your tour -- and for me to make sure things in the fields are all right." He stood and gestured towards the elegant outbuilding. Christina excused herself from the tour.

Aljerandro told us to wait as we went into the large barn and came out driving a four-seat all-terrain vehicle or ATV. We got in, and he headed off into the vineyard talking about how crucial spacing of the vines was and how their height was anything but arbitrary. We drove through the fields for almost an hour as he checked some the irrigation systems and talked to us of vintages and sunshine, and the effect weather has on the grapes.

As we drove back to the outbuilding, he detoured and went about a quarter mile down a side road on his property. Another building, equally impressive in its architecture and cleanliness, stood. "This is where we turn grapes into wine," Aljerandro told us. In the building were the presses, vats, filtering apparatus, and aging kegs. The place was spotless. We sipped several kegs at different points in their natural aging process.

"We don't bottle here. When the wine reaches its peak, we ship the barrels to a bottler. He puts the finishing touch on it for us, including our own label. We ship from his plant -- except what w bring back here for our own use." He turned, "Come back to the house and I'll show you the really finished product." We rode the ATV back to the house, and he talked further about the families that lived on his land and helped him bring in successful crops. I realized he was a very progressive businessman that generously shared his profits with his workers. 

The rest of the afternoon melted away and so did the evening. Stacy and I fell asleep naked and in each other's arms. We were sexually satisfied as well.

Sunday we had breakfast on the veranda, and it was magnificent. I looked out across the flowing hills of grape vines and thought how wonderful it was to have your own business and to live on the land. Aljerandro read my mind; "It takes a lot to run your own business but it's far better than working for someone else. You have an element of control you don't have any other way. The government keeps trying to take it away but enough of it is still there to make it worthy."

Those words stuck with me for weeks, and they also triggered a lengthy discussion of the wine business, its profit and loss points, critical success factors, and dozens of others aspects of the business than gave me insight into their vineyard as well as the industry. Christina was quiet as Aljerandro and I talked, but paid rapt attention to the discussion. I had the feeling she was watching me and evaluating several times.

We drove back to Stacy's condo in the late afternoon. I was full of praise for her colleague and husband as well as their unique relationship. Stacy and I speculated about how many unusual relationships there were in the country. 

Monday I worked alone in the conference room reducing all the interview data I'd collected the previous week. I kept looking for patterns and hidden messages. Stacy was busy for lunch so I sought out Christina who was delighted to take me to little sidewalk café just a block from the office building.

During our lunch, she said something that dramatically changed my thinking about the interviews. She said, "Joyce, be sure to look for what's not said as well as what's said. I have a feeling some of our problems are due to errors of omission not commission." The statement was like a jolt of electricity in my brain; instantly I saw the pattern of half a dozen things I'd expected to hear that I didn't. I thanked her for her stroke of genius.

Tuesday I did two things that weren't on my original agenda; I went to the local chapter of the California marketing and advertising council. The Council was comprised of almost a hundred marketing and advertising firms in the Bay Area. I was lucky enough to get an interview with the executive director. We talked about what made growing and successful firms and why some firms failed, even after having been in business for decades. It was a rewarding visit. That afternoon, with permission, I went and talked to three customers of the firm and got their impressions about doing business with the company.

I didn't sleep much Tuesday night for two reasons. First, Stacy and I made love rather intensely until quite late. I was into orgasms: both giving and receiving. I think the two of us broke some records, but it was hard to tell through all the moaning and groaning. We both fell asleep around midnight. I was wide awake an hour later and back in Stacy's living room working on my PowerPoint slides and thinking about what I'd say in the morning to the leaders of this company. I finally fell asleep for a couple hours near dawn. Stacy awakened me with tender kisses as I slept on her sofa. We were both still nude so we showered together.

The meeting with the top executives filled the conference room I'd been using as a makeshift office. Now, however, a big video screen filled one end of the room. This was where my computer slides were shown. I started with the five big conclusions I'd reached about their business:

1. If they didn't expand their markets they'd most likely shrink and die, or at best be acquired. 2. They confused their customers with too many contact points depending on what the customer wanted. 3. Many leaders were overly concerned with internal operations and power struggles. 4. No one had mentioned 'customer success' during our talks. 5. The firm was not paying enough attention to the Internet on behalf of its customers.

As I finished there was a stunned silence in the room. My knees suddenly weakened, and I thought I'd seriously missed the boat and misrepresented my 'holding the mirror up' to the executives. The President said to me, "Joyce, those are profound. Please continue with your other findings. We'll come back to these points later." Off to the side, Stacy gave me a big thumbs-up that warmed my heart.

I continued with my other slides and more mundane conclusions about their business and filled in details and recommendations on the 'Big Five' points I'd opened with. I noted that no one was falling asleep and that people were taking copious notes. Finally, about eleven o'clock I ended. We took a break. Stacy and I got coffee and stood around the conference room. Christina sought us out and asked whether we'd like to join her and Grant for dinner that evening. We both accepted with enthusiasm.

The meeting reconvened. This time I was seated at the table. The President turned to me, and my blood ran cold. This is it. I'm about to be executed I thought. Thoughts about my mysterious disappearance during a visit to the west coast flashed through my head.

He said, "Joyce, this is one of the best presentations I've ever seen. You can be proud of your work and the insight you have given to us. I think what you accomplished in a week stands as a milepost to us in terms of what we accomplish in that same span of time for our clients. I, for one, think that Joyce's recommendations on the five points could start the strategic agenda for this company for the next couple of years. I'd like to go around the table and hear each of your viewpoints -- good and bad about what you heard and what you think."

I was dumbstruck. He liked it! HE LIKED IT! "Wow!" Was all I could think. 

One by one each of the managers commented on my presentation. Everyone liked it, liked the recommendations, and wanted to build upon it. A number of other good suggestions were made. I took notes and promised to update the presentation so they had one document with all the 'good stuff' in it. 

About one o'clock, the President adjourned the meeting and invited me to lunch. I looked as Stacy; she was mouthing the word "Go!" I graciously accepted. Lunch was a lavish affair at a club in which I was one of the rare females. We talked about a variety of things, particularly my work on the Internet and using blogs for marketing and as advertising tools. I felt that I was in a teaching mode, and he was a willing pupil. We ended lunch and walked back to the office. I found Stacy who was in the midst of a crisis; "Here are the keys to my condo. Meet you there at six. Have fun."

I packed up my stuff and walked back to her condo feeling as though I was on Cloud Nine. I'd done well! I ditched the computer and put on casual clothes, got my camera and headed out for my own tour of the City. Several hundred pictures later I was back at Stacy's at five o'clock. I was tired so napped. 

Stacy kissed me awake again about six-thirty. "Come on sleepyhead. We've got to meet Christina and Grant in half an hour." I bolted upright and started to prep for the evening.

Grant was as engaging as Aljerandro. He was a little older; more square-jawed, had steel blue eyes, was graying at the temples, and was clearly a successful businessman. It oozed out of his pores. Stacy and I talked to him about his work as a venture capitalist. Interestingly enough he happened to like service industries at the moment feeling that the venture vultures had over invested in biotech and Internet firms. He was looking to diversify.

He was very attentive to Christina, more so than a 'usual' husband would be. Christina saw us watching how they interacted. She finally spoke of it with mirth in her voice, "You look surprised at our fondness for each other -- our flirting and eye contact."

I nodded. Stacy did too.

"We've have a wonderful affair -- so far for fifteen years. I love the time I spend with Grant as he does with me." She looked at him endearingly. "Mind you, we also love our spouses who at this very moment," she looked at her watch, "are probably fucking their brains out -- with our blessing." She grinned widely at us. Grant threw his head back and roared with laughter. We all laughed.

After the laughter had died down and we were between courses, Christina turned to me. "Joyce, would you ever consider joining our company?"

I thought for a while and said, "I really want to stay near Sarasota. Ray, Bill, and Kim are there; they're my family and I don't want to leave them -- even as much as I love Stacy." I squeezed Stacy's hand under the table. She smiled at me.

"Don't Bill, Kim and you all work at the same company?" Christina asked.

"No," I explained. "Bill works in my firm's business development group; he heads it now. Kim has her own interior decorating and design business; she's very creative and full of ideas -- even about use of media and technology."

Christina thought for a long time then asked, "Do you suppose the people that run your company would like to sell it to us?"

At first, I was taken aback. "I don't know," I said thoughtfully. "Someone should ask them."

"Would you do that when you get back?" Christina asked. "I guess what we'd like to do is create a Florida subsidiary -- with you, Stacy, Bill, Kim and many others that we'll have to find to run the place. Would THAT interest you? I should tell you the President of the company and I came up with this idea late this afternoon. There are a lot of details but that's the general idea."

"Yes, it interests me ... in a REALLY big way," I told her with a smile from ear to ear. 

Stacy asked Christina, "You'd let me move back to the east coast?" Her voice had that tinge of amazement in it.

"Yes, Stacy," Christina said. "We all know that's where your heart is - to be with your extended family. Now if we can put this deal together ..."

Grant jumped in; "Wait for me. I want to fund this -- I want a share of this action. Would you let us put up the buyout funds or the startup funds? We can be very generous in our terms." He winked at me.

I looked at Christina. "This is what I like," she said, "getting business and superb pleasure all mixed in together. This is better than sex."

"Well, not really," Grant added with a smile in a quiet aside. We all broke into laughter again.

*

The next day, I threw myself into Bill's arms at Tampa Airport. He'd driven up to meet my connecting flight from the west coast although it was late in the evening. We hugged and kissed; he looked so glad to see me. On the drive home from the airport I told him about the conversation with Christina and Grant, and the new options for creating our own business. He was duly impressed and was able to offer some great insights into how to approach the leadership of our own company. I decided not to do anything until I'd thought about it a little and waited until the following week.




The Renewal of Joyce Carlton Ch. 04



Ray and Kim had already gone to bed by the time we got to the house. Bill took me to the living room and practically ripped the clothes from my body. I returned the favor; I was in desperate need of a real cock. Bill sat me down on the large overstuffed sofa and proceeded to propel himself into my pussy face first. Oh my, what a pleasure storm he created in me in only a few seconds. I'd been in the house three minutes and had my first climax. He knew how to push my buttons. I had a lovely orgasm that brought back flashbacks of every night in the past week when I'd had Stacy doing this to me. I told Bill about our erotic times together.

Finally, I wanted Bill's cock one way or the other. I pulled him up and shifted position so I could suck on his very long and erect steel rod. He gave me some pre-cum, and I was enjoying the sensations but apparently not as much as he was. He finally pulled me off him with a warning that I was making him cum too fast. He told me he wanted to fuck me, and I was most content with that idea. 

Bill pulled me down on the soft plush rug and thrust into me. I actually had a small climax just because of his penetration. I closed my eyes and just let the warm, wonderful feeling wash over me. Then I knew I was in heaven; two new mouths arrived and started to suck on my tits. I reached out and embraced Kim and Ray, and pulled them to my full chest. We all hummed our greetings to each other as they brought my nipples to electric firm hardness. I came again.

Bill announced his intention to deposit his load into my willing tunnel and seconds later he sped up and pounded into me. I had my legs over his shoulder. I looked beside me as Ray now duplicated his moves into Kim -- such an erotic sight I couldn't resist cumming and cumming big. I exploded along with Bill as he injected me full of his cum.

Kim apparently came at the same time for she made some of her characteristic squeaking and moaning sounds.

Bill pulled out of me, and Ray out of Kim. Then Ray positioned himself between my legs and prepared to drive his cock into me. Unlike Bill he slowly slid into me so that I appreciated every fractional inch then he started a smooth rhythm guaranteed to bring me off in seconds. I exploded again, but Ray didn't even hesitate -- he kept stroking.

"I missed you Pumpkin," Ray told me. "I'm so glad you're back home." Kim seconded his words as she and Bill cuddled beside us.

It was a great fuck. I'm not sure there's such a thing as a 'bad fuck.' I came a couple of more times then Ray exploded into me. Now I really was full of cum from my two male lovers. I was also exhausted, lovemaking had that effect on me and this was no exception.

Ray picked me up and carried me upstairs still impaled on his long cock. He carefully placed me on the bed and proceeded to pump into me some more, getting both of us heated up again. 

I asked, "Can you cum again? I can."

"Let's do it, Love," He replied. We banged into each other again, and ultimately we reached smaller versions of the climaxes we'd shared a few moments earlier. I was in my 'happy place.' Ray clearly was too. We rolled to our sides so we could more easily stroke each other, and I closed my eyes.

When I opened my eyes it was morning and I was sleeping in the wet spot. It was very wet. Ray was holding me. The bed was shaking slightly. I looked over Ray's shoulder, and Kim had mounted Bill and the two were having a wake-up fuck that looked very enticing.

I scrunched down in the bed and took Ray's cock in my mouth and started sucking him to life. I wanted to return the favor from the night before.

Ray rolled more on his back and started to stroke my hair in a tender gesture. At this stage, I could take his entire cock in my mouth and not even worry about gag reflex. I also could taste myself on him from the night before. We tasted good together. I pulled his balls into my mouth, gently sucking and licking each one then running my tongue back up his inflating shaft that I held erect with one hand. He moaned.

As he hardened I became more aggressive in how I sucked on and jacked off his rising rod. Finally, as he reached full length I deep throated him, taking his entire length down my throat. I let my mouth act as a big vagina and made love to his cock. Up and down I moved on his shaft, one hand near the base to ensure contact and the other now buried in my own cunt as I also masturbated myself.

Ray starts to shudder when his orgasm gets near. I think it's some of his body's nerve endings preparing for the waves of pleasure that he's about the experience. I felt the shudder go through his body, yet I kept thrusting his rod in and out of my mouth, occasionally running my tongue down the outside of his rod and around his scrotum and occasionally deep throating him.

A large shudder ran through him. He murmured about the eminent arrival of his climax and then as I took him deep into my mouth he exploded and filled my mouth with jet after jet of his white man juice. I even had a small climax myself. I was so glad I could deliver this pleasure to him.

"Wow!" He exclaimed. "Definitely nice to have you back. I may never let you leave again."

By this time, a sated Kim and Bill were stuck together as they'd watched us. Kim said, "That was hot. You give nice blowjobs. You fuck nice too. Matter of fact you're pretty special." With that she leaned over and kissed me.

We showered together, and I put the bed linens in for a wash cycle. I did dress and go into work, a little on the late side. I did my own mini-assessment of our own business and compared it to Stacy's company. There were definitely the needs to build critical mass, diversify geographically, and expand their product/service offering. I took some notes of my conclusions, cleaned out my e-mail and got things ready for the coming week then went home early. 

I spent most of the weekend nude and in some sort of sexual activity with Ray, Bill or Kim -- one on one or all of us together. I was a little sore by Sunday night but felt well loved and sexually sated. I shared with them all my activities with Stacy and how there was a possibility that we could bring her back to be with us all the time.

Monday morning I stuck my head in David Lear's office -- he was the president and principle owner of the company. I asked whether he had a few moments, and he gestured to his chair.

"David," I began, "Last week, as you may know, I was on the west coast evaluating another agency -- Creative Concepts Unlimited. I have a dear friend that works there. In the course of my work it became clear that they need a company like ours, here on the east coast for a number of reasons." I outlined the reasons as well as my observations about the shortcomings of Lear Marketing and Advertising.

Finally, I asked the big question, "So, I'm wondering if you'd be willing to sell your company to Creative Concepts?" I let the question hang on the table for a long time. 

David had been highly attentive and now sat back pondering my question. He asked, "How much?" I knew in that instant that we could put a deal together.

*

Six months later.

Christina sat across from me in David Lear's old office. I'd redone it after he moved out. She had a grin from ear to ear. "You certainly distinguished yourself in making this merger happen," she told me. "How's it feel to be one of the executive's in Creative Concepts Unlimited?"

I grinned, "Great. Only a short time ago I could no more have thought about being here than flying myself to the moon. You've met all the people that supported me through my transition to a new life -- a new me. I have them to thank."

Kim came in with some art panels and set them on an easel in the corner of my office. "I thought you two would want to see what Stacy and I've come up with for the 'Green City' campaign. Is this a good time?" We both nodded, and Kim rapidly flipped through the large panels. When she was through Christina and I applauded. 

"Great work," I praised. Kim thanked us and pranced back down the hall to the art room. 

"You're a good leader. I feel we made a good decision in putting you in charge here. It's only been a month, but the numbers are already improving. Great work," Christina praised. I think I blushed.

Grant appeared at the door: "You guys got a minute; I want to show you what Stacy and some of the computer guys have come up with. I think this could revolutionize how we do marketing on the Internet." Grant was supposedly in town to help get the financial systems integrated; he really wanted to be with Christina and see what our operation was all about. Of course, several million of his firm's investment dollars had helped make the merger happen.

Christina and Grant were staying with us. Grant and Ray were already putting together a 'deal' for further new venture investments in the service industry. 

Bill was the new senior vice president for new business. This fourth week of my heading the new branch office for CCU, he had three hot prospects and today he was hosting them in one of the conference rooms. 

Stacy was the executive art director and Kim the creative director. We were all toying with better titles that weren't so rank based. Meanwhile, I was telling everyone to makeup their job titles to suit himself or herself. 

We'd been worried that working together would hurt the relationships in the family. We talked extensively about the work and our extended family. We even talked about extending the family out even further and what that would mean for each of us. I was thinking that Grant, Christina, Aljerandro and Melissa might be interesting additions.

One evening, a few days after Grant and Christina had left to go back to the west coast, I stood in my office and looked out at the City. It was twilight, and the City lights were just starting to come on. It was a really pretty sight, and I felt so privileged to have an office with such a rare view.

I thought about the journey of the past year and a half. I could barely talk to anyone else I was so shy then; now I went out of my way to talk to people and meet new friends. 

I lived alone and isolated from humanity then; now I had a growing extended family with four others and I felt we'd make some wise extensions soon. 

I hadn't liked myself and certainly no others back then; now I was not only in love with myself and my large family, I gave love to all I came in contact with. Being a loving person was part of whom I had become.

I had dressed like a hermit and tried to fade into the woodwork then; now I was one of the best-dressed women in the City, and I loved the feeling of being looked at. 

I hadn't been very spiritual then. I was not only distant from myself, I was distant from the Universe and the awesome feeling of oneness with all of life -- all of humanity -- all of existence. Now, when I meditated or was just quiet, I could experience that oneness from within. It gave me a warm and wonderful feeling.

The changes felt good as I stood there in the dark and looked out over the City. Someone came and wrapped their feminine arms around me and kissed the back of my neck. I knew it was Kim without looking. She held me and I hugged her arms to me.

A minute later a most masculine kiss told me Bill was there too. Another kiss told me Stacy was there. And yet another kiss told me Ray had come by too. I relaxed into their arms. My family was there. I was in heaven and all was right with the world.