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Seinfeld

By: Rick Dean



"Holy Shit!!" exclaimed Elaine Benes as she opened the door to Jerry Seinfeld's apartment!! There to her dismay were her three good friends, Jerry, George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer all pleasuring themselves on the couch! She could see plainly that all three men were naked and furiously masturbating up a storm as a cheap porno movie played on the television.

Kramer spastically tried to cover his privates with a nearby pillow, almost knocking himself off the couch in the process. "'lanie!!" Jerry shrieked with some dismay in his voice. "It's not what it seems!" Jerry looked at Elaine and pleaded with his eyes for her to listen and not bolt out of the apartment as she was likely to do. "Well what the fuck ARE you doing???" She shot back. "I can explain it all!" George said as he raised up off the couch and stood before her. Elaine looked up and down at George's body and tried unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh; it was no use. She chortled and grinned as she looked at his manhood. All 3 inches of it sticking out like some obscene, little worm. "Hey hey hey!!" George shouted!! " I didn't really have a chance to play with it yet! Give me a minute and it'll be much longer.. MUCH!" He said in a dignified voice, with just a bit of hurt in it.

Kramer, now a bit more composed, also raised up off the couch. "Look Elaine" he began to say. But Elaine wasn't listening. She was too intent on Kramer's throbbing manhood, eyeing it the way a hungry dog eyes a steak bone. She licked her lips and said " MY god you are huge!!!" It was true. Kramer was the opposite of George in many respects and the sizes of their manhood differed as much as anything else. " We just had a wage...." but before Kramer could finish, Elaine was on her knees licking up and down his massive 12" cock. George stood transfixed, watching Elaine as she massaged and caressed their friend's member. Soon his hand found his still erect cock and began to masturbate as he locked eyes with her. Jerry gasped loudly from the couch and then replied "Wait for me!" He jumped up and stood to the other side of Kramer, forming a circle with all three men around Elaine. "OOOHHH YEAH BABY!!!" Kramer giggled excitedly. "Suck it... Suck it for daddy!!"

His hands began to push up and down on Elaine's head as she took in as much of his cock as she could. Up and down her head went.. soft slurping noises came from her mouth as she tightened her lips around his member...then pulling it out and pushing her tongue through his cock head. Licking that slit where his cum flows and now rubbing his balls as well.

"You like that don't you Kramer??" she said almost in a whisper. "I'd like some of that too!" George said with a horny growl. Kramer just moaned more and then out of the corner of his eye saw Jerry's body tense up. His eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he grunted hard "Ugggggggghhhhhhh fffffuucccccckkkkk!!" Hot streams of white gooey cum splashed into Elaine's dark hair. She seemed oblivious but just for a second.

Quickly she wheeled around on her knees and started licking the cum off Jerry's cock head. Her hands found Kramer and George's shafts (or what passed for a shaft in George's case) and began to pump them. "Oh that feels so incredible Elaine!!" George hissed through his teeth. " You gotta suck me next though! I haven't had a good blowjob in weeks!!"

Elaine tried to mouth something to him but couldn't; Jerry's cock was in the back of her throat and he was fucking her mouth as hard as he could. "Yeah!! Ahhh what a warm mouth you have 'lanie! I almost forgot how good this feels with you!" "Fuck this!" Said George. " I want some pussy and George Costanza doesn't believe in waitin' if he doesn't have to!!" With that George pulled his cock out of Elaine's hand, then joined her on the floor. Soon his hands were working to unfasten the strap on her skirt, trying to get it undone so he would have an easier time taking her then and there. The buttons seemed to pop free very easily after a few moments and he pulled it down over her knees and legs. She still was sucking on Jerry and stroking up and down on Kramer's huge cock.

"Yeah this is what I've been waiting YEARS for!" George shouted aloud. It was as though he had just won the NY lottery. As he finally eyed Elaine's crotch he could see she had on just a small thong. He then proceeded to pull it off and threw it on his pile of clothes. "I'll keep this as a souvenir for later!" he thought to himself. Then with a quick motion he placed his head under Elaine's pussy and begin to lick her outer lips. She momentarily stopped sucking Jerry's cock so she could absorb this feeling. It had been a long time for her too since a man had gone down on her.

As he sat there gasping she felt George's tongue slide up and down her slit, over her clit and then back where it started, only to repeat the process over and over. She moaned and pulled Jerry's cock from her mouth. Between her legs she could feel herself getting wetter by the moment, and when she turned back around she saw George was masturbating himself as he licked her pussy. "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM" She said.

George was lost inside his own little world at this point. He slid a finger deep inside Elaine as his mouth cupped her clit and began to suck it around inside his mouth. She gasped more and started to grind her pussy hard on his face, coating his lips, mouth and tongue with her juices. George held her clit into place with his teeth and moved his tongue back and forth against it. He knew this trick worked on Susan and thought that perhaps Elaine would like it as well! She did and her trickle of wetness now became a flood and George was hard pressed to swallow it all.

He released her clit from his mouth and moved his tongue to her pussy's opening. He then slid it inside her body, making it firm and rigid like a cock, but with the flexibility no man's organ has. From side to side he wiggled it, making Elaine shudder, then cum hard on his face. Before either of them realized it, she had came several times. George didn't have much in the way of manhood but he was a proficient pussy eater.

"Hoochie Mama!" Shouted Kramer, as he saw how Elaine's body was reacting to George's tongue. He then knelt down and came up behind her. "Here, we gotta get this off." he said as he tugged on her shirt. On cue Elaine took both hands and pulled off her spandex running top. Her breasts were a nice C cup and the nipples were a dark brown, jutting out like two little erasers. Kramer motioned for George to get out of the way so he could get into a doggy style position. "Well ya want your blowjob George?" Now's the time to take action man!" He hollered.

George got up and raced around in front of Elaine, then laid down in front of her and spread his legs. Jerry said "one sec" and then walked over to his Superman magnet on his refrigerator. "You don't need to see this" He then took the magnet off and laid it face down on the kitchen counter before strolling back over.

George was now masturbating and looking into Elaine's eyes once more. "Ok I did you" He said in an excited voice. "Now you do me!!" Elaine lowered her mouth and took George's small member inside as Kramer began to fuck her sopping wet pussy. "Hoochie MAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMAAAAAAAA!!" He said once more. Jerry stood by and began to masturbate once more. "Oh yeah this is cool!" He said. Then he seemed to be lost in deep thought for a bit, ran to his bedroom and brought back a camcorder. "'I'm gonna want to see this again in the future!" He chimed.

He set the camcorder down and turned it on to record. The red light flashed and soon all three of his friend's sexual activity was caught on tape.

George felt Elaine's hot lips contract around his cock, slowly moving up and down and finally being deep inside her, not quite touching her throat. "Been wanting this for a lifetime!" he muttered softly to himself. His fat ass lifted up off the floor and his hips worked like a piston, pushing his cock in and out of her mouth, faster and faster. Jerry looked at Kramer and said "Ok you take the back door and I'll take the front door!" He winked and Kramer nodded spastically.

Jerry then slid on the hardwood floor under Elaine and grabbed his cock at the base. He then pushed it up and down over her clit and through her wet lips before finally sinking it deep inside her pussy, all the way to the hilt. Both of them shuddered and then Elaine tensed up again. "Don't worry Elaine this will only hurt for a second" Kramer said. He took some of her juices and rubbed them onto the head of his cock, then pushed the head into her ass until it popped inside. At once he, Jerry and Elaine all grunted and hissed as they made a connection.

George was still thrusting his meat into Elaine's mouth and got a sense of satisfaction that all three were now inside her at once. "Whatta bunch of friends we are!" He thought. "This is great!!" By now Elaine had came multiple times and knew she could go many more if need be. "Fuccccccccccccccccccccck!!" She thought!! "No guy has ever stuck his cock in my ass before but this actually doesn't feel at all like I'd imagined! No pain or soreness! I could get to like doing this all the time!" With that she pushed back onto Kramer and Jerry's cocks even harder.

Jerry's teeth had found her left nipple and was sucking on it, gently biting the tip every so often and making her cum even harder. Kramer used his hand to play with her right nipple and tweak it as his cock slid in and out of her tight hot asshole. "God I love what they're doing to my nipples!" She said to herself. "It feels so nice to have Jerry biting and tugging on it as Kramer pinches my other one! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm!!" She then pushed her left breast deeper into Jerry's mouth and sighed happily. "This is something we'll all DEFINITELY have to get together for more of in the future!" She thought to herself.

George had a big smile on his face and grinned like a cheshire cat. "I'm cummmmmmmmmmmmmminnnnnnnnnng!!!" he screamed "Swallow it Elaine! I'm begging' ya ya gotta swallow!! No woman has ever done that for me before!!!" Elaine thought wickedly "Sometimes I wish your mom had swallowed!" but then complied and greedily sucked all of George's semen down her throat.

"Ahhhhhhhhh what reLIEF!!!" George bellowed! "Thank you Elanie! I'll never forget this sweetie!" Elaine smiled at him, his cum still coating her lips, and winked. She then put all her focus and attention back on fucking Kramer and Jerry for all they were worth. "unnnnnnggggghhhhhhhhhhh" cried Jerry. I can't believe how tight you are with Kramer's schlong up your yin yang!! "Hoochie MAMA!!" Cried Kramer in response. Jerry, still not being able to see him from his vantage point said, "Alright Kramer enough with the hoochie mamas!"

Kramer threw his arms up in a spastic fit and brought them down on Elaine's ass cheeks, the palms of his hands making a sharp stinging noise. Elaine bucked onto his cock as he did that so he did it again and again she jumped and shook. "Now you're on to something!" cried Jerry. Kramer continued to slap her ass cheeks and Jerry bit her nipple, clenching it between his teeth. "Aaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhh''''hh!!" Elaine screamed. She was on the verge of one huge mega-cum!

Jerry, being her ex boyfriend, knew this. "Pump her harder Kramer!" Cosmo thrust in and out of her tight asshole, his big cock threatening to split Elaine's petite body in two. Her pussy contracted and she milked Jerry for all she had. "I'm cummmmmming too!!" he shrieked. "Wait for me!!", Screamed Kramer in slow motion! Then at once all threw friends came together; Elaine covered Jerry's cock with her cum as his own gushed over her womb and deep inside her body. Kramer pulled his cock from Elaine's ass and shot it all over her back and ass cheeks, a torrent of sperm washing over her.

All three then collapsed into one big, sweaty pile. By this time George had taken the camcorder and gotten every vantage point of their private orgy.

"Beautiful!" he exclaimed "Bee-yoo-Tee-fuckin-ful!!!" Elaine then rolled over and ran to the bathroom to shower. "Give me a bit, I need to get all this cum and sweat off my body" she said. "Who else is up for a shower?" Jerry exclaimed. "Count me in" replied Kramer. "Me too" said George.

"Ok lets go" Jerry said nonchalantly. "Maybe we can call this part: Bathtime with Elaine.", he said with a evil grin.

The end for now.

Seinfeld: To Save The Friendship



George has been dating a girl who has been ill and unable to have sex. As a result, George found that as his consumption of sex has decreased, his intelligence increased, with his mind having more time to ponder other subjects.

Elaine suffered the opposite predicament. Her boyfriend, a medical student, was desperately studying for a licensing exam he failed three previous times. Elaine who was very smart offered her help with his studies. Though she was glad to help, she did not know it would leave no time for sex. As days grew into weeks then into months, she found that her decrease in sexual activity was directly proportional to herself becoming dumber, easily confused and slow witted.

To be continued:

Jerry was on his couch watching the Yankees when he heard his buzzer.

“Yeah, who’s there." “It’s me” the female voice replied. Jerry recognized the voice. “Come up." He buzzed her in. and went back to the couch.

Elaine walked in with a dull and confused look on her face. She sat at the end of the couch apprehensive and played with her fingers. 

“Jerry I need help. I’m dumb as a post. I got lost going home from work today."

“Yeah, I know. By the way, George is giving a lecture at the community college. I give it three weeks before girl scouts have to feed you and George cures cancer," Jerry said sarcastically.

“It’s amazing, you get dumber and he gets smarter. Who would have thunk it. How long has it been since you two, well, you know”

“I don’t know, maybe, well, the butter in my refrigerator was still good before. How long is butter good for? 

"Maybe three or four weeks," he replied. “Wow, you turned pretty quick. I thought guys were supposed to have sex on the mind," Jerry laughing as he spoke.

Elaine, leaning forward, looking at the floor, her head between her knees, pulling at her fingers and acting almost as if she was a junkie suffering from withdraws.

“Jerry, are you busy now?" 

I’m watching the game. What do you think I’m doing. Why what’s up?

I can’t do this any longer. I’m counting on my fingers. I can’t make change. I might get fired from my job!

What, what do you want?, he asked

Elaine, turning her head slowly towards Jerry and raising her eyebrows, “Well, um, well, I thought, you and I, like old times, you know. What do you think?

Shocked, Jerry pauses and says “Are you serious, come on really? Elaine with a sly grin and biting her lip, 

“I just thought." 

“Elaine, I can’t, you know, we’re friends now."

She paused then asked, “What is Kramer doing, is he home? You’re serious aren’t you, he cried. As he spoke, she was already walking across the hall to Kramer’s apartment. 

Jerry returned to the baseball game.

Kramer wasn’t home. Sexually frustrated, she turned back to Jerry’s door. She noticed Newman fumbling his keys trying to enter his apartment...  She paused, took a deep breath and glanced at Jerry’s door.

Jerry continued to watch the game. He noticed some mail he forgot to send by the TV stand. Between innings, he got up and grabbed the letters then headed down the hall to the mail slot. 

He heard voices, a male and female. But he did not care. The less he saw or knew of Newman the better and continued to the mail slot.

Newman rarely had female guests. But the one person above all he dreamed about sexually was on her knees right now giving him a hand job. He looked down past his large belly and gazed into her eyes, at her soft curly black hair and delicate white throat as she rhythmically stroked his modest prick. 

He began to groan as he felt her quicken the pace, tightened her grip and he saw her begin to lick her dark ruby lips in anticipation.

"Swallow it already," he yelled in a quivering voice. 

"Be patient Newmy," she softly whispered.

Jerry started back to his apartment after mailing the letters. He rounded the corner past Newman’s door when he heard what sounded like someone groaning coming from Newman’s apartment.  Newman’s door was cracked as he passed by. 

It sounded like Newman’s voice. But he continued on his way until halfway to his apartment when he heard that same voice cry out "ooooh Elaine!"

She slowly opened her mouth, smiled and seductively whispered, “Are you ready for me Newmy?"

WHAT THE FUCK! he thought to himself. He turned a sprinted back to Newman’s apartment and pushed open the door.

Elaine was on her knees, shirt off, bra undone and beginning to swallow Newman.

Jerry screamed, “Elaine, what the fuck!”

Startled, Elaine screamed, “Jerry, oh my God?”

“Elaine, get that cock out of your hand!” Jerry yelled.

“Seinfeld get the hell out of here!” Newman yelled.

But Newman was in no position to fight, his shorts and pants wrapped around ankles. Jerry grabbed her wrist, pulled her off her knees and down the hall to his apartment.

Jerry threw her into his apartment.  Her head was down. She was embarrassed, shocked at being caught and unsatisfied, even if it was Newman.

“Newman! I can’t believe it!

“Oh Jerry," she sighed. 

“To think your hand has touched both of our dicks makes me ill." “Just tell me he didn’t get a blow job or we can no longer be friends." 

"No." “Are you sure Elaine?” "Yes." 

Elaine sat back on the couch took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. They didn’t speak. Three innings went by. Jerry fidgeted, very upset. Elaine was still hungry and unsatisfied. Unfed, she boldly approached Jerry.

In an almost whining voice, “Come on Jerry." 

"Elaine, you’re still talking about this?" 

“Please, Jerry, I’m an idiot, moron, you’ve seen me, I’ll get fired. Yesterday, I needed a dictionary to know how if there were two letter E’s in the word knee”

Still upset, he rose and said “Yes, Elaine you can suck me off!." “You should have told me you were that desperate." Succumbing to pressure and becoming a little aroused he reluctantly agreed. “Well. Ooookay but won’t this affect our friendship?”

Elaine shrieked. “No Jerry, it’s a one time thing. Now let’s get started. Let's go!." She jumped at Jerry.  

Easy Elaine, he cried. She took off her top and started to unbuckle her belt while walking towards his bedroom. 

“Stop, Elaine, can we do it in here, the game is almost over."

Jerry sitting on the couch trying to get as much of the game as possible paused and said, “Elaine is a hand job or blowjob good enough to clear your head. I really want to see this." 

Elaine in the middle of undoing her bra yelled, “What! You don’t want to miss the game! I’m offering you sex and you are more interested in baseball. How bad am I, Jerry?”

“It’s not you honey. Look, baby, you know you got it. You can compete with the best of them. Your great but playoff games are once a year” Jerry said trying to console her.

“What do you think?”

“You’re a jerk” she exclaimed. “I don’t know if that would be enough, but let’s see." “Just sit your skinny ass down and we will see if you can get it up," she said mockingly with a. grin on her face.

Just as she finished speaking, the crowd rose for the seventh inning stretch and sang ‘Take me out to the ballgame’. On cue, Jerry rose looking down upon Elaine on her knees, with her head arched up toward his waste, he said defiantly, 

“Get it up!, get it up!, well see if you can grip this bat." He then put his hands on his waist and arched his back. 

His pitcher was already on the mound anxious to go. Elaine laughed quietly then became serious. Her head leaning back, with her soft black curly hair draped on her shoulders. The delicate white skin of her throat now exposed, her small fingers slowly beginning to unravel his belt.

His loose fitting pants were now taught, constricting his manhood. “Oh, Laine, you look great down there.”

“Oh, how sweet Jerry," she replied as she slowly unbuckled his belt. The pressure of his manhood against the zipper made it difficult to manipulate the latch and unzip his pants. She tried with both hands to grasp and pull down on his zipper.

She became frustrated, “Why the hell do you were such tight pants, anyway?," she asked. With a smile he replied,” they weren’t always tight Laine."

He stopped her. “Go wash your hands first and don’t use the hand that touched Newman." 

She complied, racing back with her kneeling position before Jerry.

She smiled, looking up at him with her pearly white teeth. The ruby red lipstick only enhanced the brightness of her smile, the fullness of her lips and his anticipation of the next few minutes.

Her finger manipulation caused his member to become harder and lean to the left or right. 

“Finally, Jesus! that was tight," she said to herself. The zipper finally unlatched. She slowly pulled down and using both hands, one on each flap of the zipper, to violently spread apart his pants.

As she opened his zipper, a wave of heat brushed her face. “Mmmmh," she murmured under her breath, as she stared at his groin. When Jerry felt the cool breeze against his groin, he stiffened, a smile slowly coming across his face.

When Elaine felt the heat off his groin, she became aroused. Even though she had modest sized breasts, her nipples were larger in proportion.  They stretched the fabric, appearing to puncture the lacey white fabric.

Now back from commercial, the announcers introduced the next batter for the Yankees.

“Laine are you ready or what. When is there going to be some action?” 

“Oh, be quiet. You’ll get yours," she replied.

“What’s the hold up. Come on kid, get on the ball. I don’t have all day," he said impatiently.

“Haa, haa, haa, blaa, blaa, blaa, very funny," she replied indignantly.

She the grabbed his hips and forcefully pushed him back onto the couch. Jerry, startled, lost his balance and fell back.

Now bating for the Yankees Pedro Martinez, the announcer said.

“God, so violent Laine."

“Just shut your trap," she replied. She grabbed behind his knees and pulled him slightly down the couch causing his waste to flatten, while also raising the mound under his boxer shorts.

“You know the only reason I agreed was that you didn’t touch him.” “I know," she replied.

She delicately opened the slit in his shorts. On her knees, she then wiggled up closer to the couch in-between his legs and against his crotch.  Placing her elbows on his knees, with one hand, she reached into his shorts grabbing his throbbing manhood. She tenderly took his member out from its’ confinement, causing Jerry to sigh, “Ooooh, Laine."

His dick now stood straight up, Elaine’s head inches above. Licking her lips, she took a deep breath. 

“Oooooh Lainie," Jerry murmured. Then, her head raised a little.

Blaring from the TV, the umpire proclaimed, batter up! 

Life a horse out the racing shoot, Elaine tightened her hand firmly around Jerry’s bat, to ensure a good grip. “Batter up Jerry Baby," she whispered seductively. 

The cheering baseball fans grew louder.

“Do you cork your bat Jerry," she asked whimsically while grinning up at him.

“You’re killing me Elaine,” he stammered, exasperated by her teasing and his longing for what will come. 

Play ball! The umpire directed the pitcher.

Overhearing the umpire on the TV, crouched on her knees, with a wide smile and moist ruby lips, Elaine whispered up to Jerry, “Play ball indeed."

She tightened her vice like grip and slowly began to rhythmically raise and lower her hand. As she stroked, she continued to look up and smile at him licking her lips.

“I remember how you like it," she said in throaty whisper.

He stared down upon her, her eyes, her delicate throat and white skin.

There back and forth playful chatter now silent, Elaine concentrated on his hand job, while Jerry gently caressed her soft black curly hair and stroked her throat with his fingers.

Uuup, down, uuup down, she continued to rhythmically stroke him.

Jerry could no longer hear or watch the TV, his head resting on the back of the couch.

“I new I could get your mind off the game," she whispered. 

Jerry groaned, “Oooh Elaine, you know I was just kidding, you give great hand jobs."

“I know, I just wanted to prove it to you,” she said grinning. 

He leaned over to unbuckle her bra, “let me have a look at these and see if anything changed." She continued stroking him.

Her nipples swollen and enlarged, he began to fondle her by caressing and pinching her nipples.

“Aaaah," she moaned, “Oh Jerry, I missed that, don’t stop, I’m so aroused." Her other hand joined his in caressing her chest. “Ohhhh Jerry." 

Jerry raised one hand and gently placed it against the back of her head, pushing it closer towards his crotch. Feeling a little resistance, he continued pushing down on her head. 

“Jerry, just what are you doing?, she asked accusingly. 

“Well, I just thought that you should try to be sure to clear your mind, that this would ensure that you would think straight," he coyly said. “I mean, do you feel any better?”

Elaine sat up, released Jerry, put her hands on her hips and said, “Pushing at my head, what are you thinking, who do you think I am?” she accused. “You want me to give you a blowjob now, is that it?” 

“This is weird Elaine! Fifteen minutes ago you wanted me to fuck you and now you’re objecting to a blowjob?” he asked in bewilderment.

She was confused a little herself, “Well, uh, it’s just that we are friends and I didn’t think you would force me to do something like that," she humbly replied.

Jerry, his hands on his head exasperated, “Elaine you came to me asking for sex and as far as blowjobs are concerned, you used to come backstage after everyone of my acts and blew me whenever I did well. Remember that bump you got on your head when you sucked me off from under the table at the Comedy Store, remember?

“Yeah, kind of," she softy replied trying to remember as she scratched her head.

“Well then let me get dressed," he said starting to stand up to close his pants.

Elaine paused, sitting on her ankles while trying to collect her thoughts. 

Jerry stood up still rock hard, his dick reddened from the friction of Elaine’s hand. He couldn’t zip up because his dick protruded straight out, interfering with the zipper.

Elaine saw Jerry trying to get dressed and looked up from below his waist, his dick above her chin, “Jerry, no, wait, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just confused, you know, that’s why I came here. I told you I was a little slow."

“Don’t go, Jerry," she said wantonly.

Looking down past his dick, Elaine’s face directly underneath his member, “Sure Elaine, It’s my nature to help those in need," he replied sarcastically.

"Oh be quiet, she replied.  

“Now Ms. Benice, beg me." “What," she asked.

“I want you to beg me to let you blow me," he said impatiently. 

“Now cooome, on now Jerry," she whined. “I’ll do it but I won’t beg, come on now, really," she said in a spiteful tone. 

“I think it’s only fair after accusing me of forcing you,” he said shamelessly. “Really?, come on now Jerry.”

“No, I’m serious. You’re always accusing me of something Elaine. And I’ll take you begging me and letting you suck me as an atonement of your sin." 

“I didn’t know you were so sensitive Jerry Seinfeld." “That’s beside the point Elaine”

“Oh, all right then, fine,” she said willingly.  She seductively licked her lips, puckered them and on her knees crossed her fingers. “Please, please, please Jerry, I want to give you the best blowjob, ever," she said passionately. 

“Was that good enough Jerry,” she said casually. 

“One more thing, I want you to swallow." 

“Find another girl then," she replied defiantly. 

“I’m kidding Elaine, just finish then,” he said calmly.

She grabbed hold of him again while on her knees, took a breath, licked her pouty and ruby lips then brought her head slowly forward to the tip of his crown. She paused then looked up with one eye, smiled and then enveloped his man meat. She proceed slowly at first, using her tongue on the crown of his head.

Jerry groaned, “Come on Laine I can’t stand it, swallow it already! She continued on the crown of his dick which made Jerry to try again and place his hand on the back of her head.

“Alright Jerry, she said smiling with her bright white teeth. She enveloped his dick down almost to the base. Her cheeks began to fold in with her sucking motions. The moistened ruby lipstick began to cause streaks and fold back as she rubbed against his dick.

“That’s it, just like that Laine," Jerry moaned.

Elaine picked up the pace now, her black curly hair swaying above her shoulders with the motion of her head. “Come on, come on," she mumbled impatiently to her self, his dick still in her mouth. She became more aggressive, thrusting her head against his dick. 

Unable to deep throat Jerry, she rammed his dick against the back of her throat, causing her cheeks to violently protrude out as his dick was repeatedly rammed into her small mouth.

Jerry moaned, “Oaah Laine you’re the best you dirty little girl." She leaned back and temporarily stroked him so she could catch her breath. 

“Oh Jerry, I’m so Horney," she replied and then asked, “Are you almost there Jerry." No keep it up."

With that brief talk over, she resumed. The slurping noises grew louder and louder. The moaning increased and suddenly a knock at the door, “Jerry, open the door buddy. It’s Kramer."

“Ooooh Jerry, what should we do," Elaine asked. “Don’t you stop Elaine. Keep sucking."

“Get the hell out of here Kramer," he yelled. What, what is the problem? In mid groan he mumbled to Kramer to get out.

Elaine never stopped. Now with one hand on his waist and the other between her legs, she used her lips to stroke him back and forth. Now there eyes met, Jerry grinning and Elaine softly squealing. 

He massaged her nipples, swollen from his manipulation. The size of half dollars, they protruded outward asking to be touched.

Oooh, Jerry.

She repeatedly and forcefully thrust her head down upon him, her cheeks stretching with every thrust of her head down against his prick.

Her grip became so tight it was almost painful.

Elaine I’m going to blow.  She removed his dick from her mouth and continued her hand job to wait for the inevitable. Elaine reached down into her purse with her free hand searching for tissue. Jerry groaned louder, now grunting.

Now Jerry began stroking himself by taking hold of Elaine’s hand. She continued to search for something until Jerry exclaimed, “Oh god, now," as he ejaculated, cumming into Elaine hand and onto her bra. 

“Ewe Jerry, point it somewhere else," she cried as she continued to stroke and suck him. After a few more of her vice like hand strokes and squeezing of his dick, he finished in her mouth.

He sat down dripping in sweat.  All his tension now relieved, he laid back on the couch watching a Victoria Secret special, the game now over.

Elaine got off her knees and slowly walked towards the bathroom sink. Once over the sink, she pulled her long soft black hair back over and behind her head, leaned over and repeatedly spit into the sink. She then gargled with mouthwash and then washed the remains of Jerry’s spunk out of her hand.

Looking down at here unclasped bra, “Great, this better come out of the fabric," Elaine complained.

Jerry became infatuated and aroused by the models.

After a few minutes she came to the couch next to Jerry, her hair still damp with sweat. She skipped her bra and pulled her t-shirt over head. The contours of her nipples were startling, due to her tight shirt. 

They then looked at each other, “not bad, huh” Elaine whispered. 

“One for the ages Laine," Jerry replied. “Whenever you feel stupid, I’m your man Elaine." 

She laughed, “Yeah, yes, right, not bad Jerry, it has been a long time since we, you know." 

“We know better now, right” he said anticipating a positive response. “How do you feel by the way?"




Seinfeld: To Save The Friendship



“I’m better but I don’t think I’m quite back %100," she replied.

“Well if that’s the case, we should try again," he said grinning.

“Well we’ll see”………give me a minute to catch my breath, it might be okay." 

“You know it’s true, if you don’t use certain muscles after a while they do get sore when used again. My jaw and cheeks are sore," Elaine said. Though she didn’t mean that statement to be sexual in nature, that’s how Jerry interpreted what she said.

He leaned over meaning to kiss her when she shot up off the couch and said she was going to take a shower, if he didn’t mind.      No, go ahead.

Jerry returned to the models on TV.

The door ajar, he heard the sound of running water. As he watched the models strut down the runway, their breasts heaving side to side in their loose fitting negligee, Jerry became deeply aroused.

He needed to find a release. Suddenly he heard Elaine sweetly humming a song while showering. His girlfriend was out of town, where could he go? He paused, it would have to be Elaine, he thought to himself.

Getting up, he only had a towel around his waist. He walked toward the shower. He imagined water flowing on her face, down her chest and over her shapely figure.

“Laine, come out please." 

The door opened, Elaine’s skin was moist, as water droplets streamed down her face, neck, throat and down between her cleavage. The ruby red robe she wore was small for her, barely covering her shoulders.

“What Jerry”

“How does your head feel? At 100% yet? “Not yet. 

But Jerry, thanks for before, I mean with Newman. I don’t know what I was thinking." 

“No problem, he said. “Were friends, we look out for each other."

“If you didn’t come by I don’t know what would have happened or I would have done."

She smiled, “Right, thanks again.”

“Speaking of looking out for one another, I want to do you a favor," Jerry said.

“Oh Jerry you have done enough, please."

“No, I want to make you feel better about yourself. I’ll feel better if I do this," he said laughing to himself. 

Elaine was a little surprised, taken back, her face blushing and then smiled. Jerry has not too often been so thoughtful.

Jerry had a raging hard on beneath his towel. The soft lacy fabric of the towel only heightened the sensitivity of his dick to touch. 

“Well Jerry honey what is it,” she said softly as she rubbed her sore cheeks. 

Jerry grabbed her wrist and led her to the couch. She sat down on the couch, the fabric felt cool against her skin. She slowly brushed her damp hair bend her head, using her fingers to draw the curly hair back over her ears. Her small ruby robe now began to ride up her leg.

One last lustful look at the seductive models on TV and Jerry became single-minded.

“What is it Jerry?” she interrupted. Standing in front of Elaine seated on the couch, Jerry slowly opened his towel. Elaine, puzzled to what Jerry wanted, sat waiting for his answer.

Jerry told her to come closer. So, she leaned forward and said,”What Jerry?”

“I need you to do something for us both." Jerry grinned then slowly opened his towel.

“Oh my, Jerry!” “Please Laine”

He moved forward, closer, and his raging boner inches from her face.

“Oh, Jerry. Oh Jerry of course I will," she smiled

To get a more comfortable position, she shifted her rounded behind to the edge of his couch, spread her legs a little causing her robe to ride up even more almost completely exposing her pie hole. 

Taking a grip of him, she slowly stroked him. “Why were you so hesitant?," she asked. 

“You know, being friends now and everything,” he replied. 

“Well we know better now don’t we,” she smiled. “Anytime Jerry, anywhere, just ask."

“Oh, Elaine, oooh, just suck it." She grabbed his buttocks with both hands, pulling him from behind and into her mouth. Sucking the tip of his dick as if it was a cigar, she quickened her pace.

Almost angry, she forced his dick into her mouth against the back of her throat and into her sore cheeks. Repeatedly, up and down, in and out, her head raised and lowered while her cheeks bulged out from the ramming of his dick against her cheek.

Tightening her grip, she became aggressive in her purpose.

Jerry groaned and Elaine softly squealed.

Forcing the dick out of her mouth, she resisted not wanting to let loose her grip on his dick, Jerry pushed her back against the seating of the couch spread her legs and mounted her.

“Oh Jerry!, take me!” she said after realizing his purpose. She then parted her legs taking him in and groaning

There was a knock on his door and a voice yelling for Jerry to open the door. 

Jerry ignored Kramer, now developing a rhythm. Elaine liked it a little rough, no whips, letter or handcuffs, so he became more forceful in penetrating Elaine.  

She opened apart her legs wider, grabbing the back of her legs behind the knee with her hands and raised her legs in a wide V, up in the air.

Jerry come on, open up, I’m in my towel and need to use your shower.  

They were both soaked with sweat. Perspiration ran off their bodies, soaking their hair.

Jerry continued, quickening his pace. “Oh, God Jerry, I’m going to."

Sucking on her nipples, she grabbed his shoulders pulling him closer to her then began caressing his chest. Her nipples were swollen, as he massaged them with his tongue

“Elaine, oh Laine," Jerry moaned. “Yes Jerry, oh yes, I’m going to!,"Elaine cried.

Pulling back his shoulders and with his hands on her shoulders, he forced her shoulders down hard against the couch seat. He slowed as he began grunting more deeply while Laine raised the pitch of her squeals.

The noise caught Kramer’s ear.

Then with a few last penetration, Elaine cried, “I’m cuming," while Jerry simultaneously released his load into her. Again and again, he emptied himself into her. 

Elaine quivered with her orgasm, arching back her head then bringing her arms to her chest and her hands upon her nipples.

The room was silent, only the sounds of their panting as they tried to catch breathe. “Jerry that was fabulous," she said grinning. 

In a good-humored tone he replied, “Elaine, please, that’s assumed."

“Elaine you left a note o my door that you needed me for something, that you were desperate," Kramer yelled from the hall

Jerry went to the bathroom to cool his face. Elaine snuggled up, crossing her hands over opposite shoulders. She was in bliss, still feeling the effects of her orgasm. Then she again rubbed her cheek, sore from the blowjob.

She yawned and stretched her arms above her head. Then as she closed her eyes, she stretched out her arms, grabbed the back of her legs behind her knees and stretched apart her legs wide, still on the couch and facing the door.

At that moment while still spread eagle, her legs wide apart, Kramer entered, just having found Jerry’s spare key. Elaine in a dream like state didn’t hear Kramer enter, still enjoying the residual effects of her orgasm. 

“Oh fuck me, you’re so good," she whispered to herself.

Kramer a little shocked by not only what she said but also by how she freely exposed herself to him. Kramer, as any man would, became aroused. He was so shocked, he didn’t speak. Kramer being Kramer, the oddball that he is was at first perplexed and began fidgeting with his fingers and arms.

“Oh please,” Elaine said in her euphoric state of mind.

Kramer has often been accused by Jerry of being a pod, ignorant and unfazed towards how he deals with people’s feelings.  But staring at Elaine groaning on the couch, he thought he knew exactly what she needed; she needed a little Kramer.

He dropped his towel, walked to the side of the couch and with Elaine’s eyes still closed mounted Elaine.  

Her eyes shot open and she yelled, “Kramer get off me, what are you doing?

Being much taller than her, her face only meeting his chest, she was stretching her neck to looking up at his face. “Kramer, get off me," she repeated.

He replied, “Elaine don’t worry, I got your note. I was a little surprised you asked me but I’m more than willing to help’.

“Kramer get off me you don’t understand," she said. He got off her and slowly stood in front of her, his thick manhood fully erect.

She quickly put on her robe. “Kramer, I know I left you that note but I’m okay now. You don’t understand." 

“I Don’t understand Elaine, you were on the couch naked begging to get fucked. What am I missing?” 

“Kramer, I thought I was by myself." 

She couldn’t help but notice Kramer standing naked in front of her and the sheer girth of his penis.

“Kramer put something on please." “I meant something else by that note, to be satisfied another way." 

“What did you want Elaine?” “I needed something but Jerry found it." 

Jerry walked to his kitchen, his towel around his waist. As he entered the room, Jerry and Elaine’s eyes met and Jerry grinned. Kramer saw this and felt cheated.

“Oh I get it Elaine; you don’t think I’m man enough." Jerry went to get dressed for his act at the Comedy Store; he was late. 

“No Kramer that’s not it, it’s more complicated," she pleaded. “No I think it is. I’m on the on deck circle. You want the starting lineup." 

Jerry left, "I’ll see you later guys." 

“Did you and Jerry, you know, did you Elaine." Feeling a little beaten down by his accusations she relented and answered.

“Yes we did Kramer." 

“So you couldn’t wait or did you change your mind?’. 

She hesitated not knowing how he would react, if she would hurt his feelings, or how she would come off.

“I couldn’t wait, ok Kramer, ok." He understood. 

“That’s okay Elaine, I understand." He got up and began to leave. “Thanks and bye Kramer." Kramer stopped and turned towards Elaine,” aren’t you curious?”

Elaine was flushed red. “No, Thanks Kramer." 

“Please let me prove it, I feel cheated, don’t you?” 

“Kramer no, we are good friends, it wouldn’t be right."

“And Jerry is what, a friend right. Don’t you want to know how the other half lives, please?”

She was exhausted from the questions and of the circumstance, the conversation and predicament she put herself in. “Okay Kramer, but no kissing on the lips” 

“Hot digity, Elaine." 

He cradled her, “Oooh Kramer."

He was in full control, twisting her around to face the back of the couch, her knees on the seat cushion and her faced away from him. 

“What are you doing Kramer?"  “Trust me."

Elaine couldn’t see what he was doing behind her. He dropped his towel and threw it over the couch by her head then lifted her robe over her rounded behind, exposing the silky white skin. The cool air hit her behind and felt good, energizing. 

“Kramer my, my God! “Here comes Mr. Kramer!”    He began manhandling her in position, by grabbing the back of her neck, forcing her head and chest down against the back of the couch. Her head down flat and upper body angled down upon the back-rest of the couch, further exposed and raised the profile of her delicate but meaty behind.

“Kramer, wait," she felt he was a being a little too aggressive. His other hand then pulled her knees slightly apart. “Kramer really, wait."

He grabbed his thick member, moved a couple inches closer to her. “Kramer?” Ignoring her pleas, he forcefully penetrated Elaine; (not her butt-hole). 

“Giddy-up Elaine, now were cooking with gas." The width of him was unexpected. She squealed, almost in pain clenching her teeth. She cried out in a deep groan. Between penetrations she groaned again, “Myyyy, God Kramer."

His impacts against her but were hard and loud, like thunderclaps in a storm. Elaine tried to grab the backrest, use her arms to raise her chest up off the couch and lock her elbows to brace her body against the force of his body. 

Her body shook with each motion of his waist, slowly loosening her grip, moving her dangerously closer to falling over the top of the couch. 

“Aaaah, Kramer fuck me she murmured," looking back at him still grinning and clenching her teeth in ecstasy. 

Perspiration fell over her eyes, face, down her body and soaking her hair now hanging completely over the backrest. . He moved to the right a couple inches, wanting to enter her from a different angle. He used his large hands to grab large pieces of flesh from her big ass and squeezed tight.  

“Ouch, Kramer, oooooh." He resumed and gained a rhythm. Elaine had a hard time catching her breath, panting hard, gasping for breath.

She was exhausted from pleasure. Kramer continued to pound away, his stamina was incredible. With each of his motions, her head moved three inches forward. She was fighting him just to keep her arms straight and body upright on the couch.  Squeals from her became louder. Tired, holding her head upright became a struggle.  The size of him inside her became overwhelming to her female senses; she trembled in pleasure.

One last powerful thrust and she lost her grip and fell over the backrest, hanging by her waistline and upper thighs. Her upper body hanging upside-down vertically, the top of her head brushed against the carpet and her butt now faced the ceiling completely exposed.

It was a beautiful target, big, wide, round and still showing the dark red imprints from Kramer’s fingers. 

“Kramer, help me up!” “Be patient my pet, Elaine I’m in the zone." “Kramer!” She tried to right herself by pushing up with her arms. 

He stepped up on the couch and looked down upon her behind, his thick tool protruding straight outward.

“Kramer, help me up” “I’m going to Elaine don’t worry. All will become clear." He lowered himself, grabbed each side of her waist for leverage and lowered his shaft straight down into her.

Elaine shook as he penetrated her, biting her lip. She arched her head up off the floor screaming in pleasure, “gooooood, god, I’m going to explode."

“Oh, Elaine," Kramer yelled as he again squeezed her butt cheeks tight with his hands. His hairy chest was now moist with sweat.

“I read to, I’m going to Kramer." “Don’t quit on me yet Elaine," Kramer interrupted. 

He quickened his thrust. Elaine couldn’t control herself and began screaming gibberish; unintelligible words and phrases. 

“I’m going to cum Kramer." “One more minute, be patient my pet," he begged. She tried to raise herself off the carpet but her body was spent, her head and arms were lifeless, only her waist now playing an active part.

“Now Elaine, yell Kozmo for me, Kozmo Kramer." She mumbled “Kooozmooo Kraaameer," under her breath.

“Giddy-up," he groaned as he exploded into her.  

“Aaaaaaaaa," Elaine squealed as her lifeless body experience the first of multiple orgasms. After spending his multiple loads, he slowly sunk back against the couch exhausted, wiping the sweat from his face.

Elaine was motionless, spent; even the blood rushing to her head didn’t cause her to stir.

After five minutes, Kramer got off the couch and uncharacteristically and methodically, walked to his apartment to rest.

Elaine remained bent over the back of the couch panting and grinning as she slowly caressed her full nipples while experiencing the last of her orgasms. Her butt beat red from his finger manipulation protruded up in the air. 

George walking towards Jerry’s apartment saw Kramer and asks him what he was doing. “You mean who've I done buddy."

Puzzled, “what do you mean Kramer?” 

Kramer tapped him on the shoulder, “I’m exhausted pal, sorry, can’t explain, I’ve got to rest." 

“What Kramer? “George it was wild." He shut the door. 

Confused, George opened the door to Jerry’s apartment and saw a naked female, her butt hung over the back of Jerry’s couch and her legs stretched over the seat cushions. 

Aroused but confused, he went to see who it was. He noticed she had a great body and smaller tits, which he preferred. 

“Excuse me Ms. are you alright?” 

Slowly coming out of her sex induced haze, a voice that sounded like Elaine answered. She turned her head. 

“Elaine, it’s you. You and Kramer? When, why, how, I can’t believe it." “Help me up George." 

She sat up, the blood clearing her head. Still in a euphoric state, she just grinned at George. “Would you hand me my robe." George handed it to her and she covered herself up.

“Elaine, you and Kramer?” “I wish." She misspoke. 

“What, who else Elaine?” “Nothing George, I have to get dressed and go." 

“You mean Kramer fucked you?” “George, watch you mouth!” “You mean Kramer and Jerry together?”

“No George” “Then separate?” “I’m tired, I’m going home." “Tell me please Elaine” 

She went into the bathroom to dress

They began talking through the door. To shut him up, "Jerry and Kramer, ok, now I’ve got to go I’m sore and exhausted." 

“Why not me Elaine." 

“George I couldn’t if I wanted too, I’m too tired." She headed down the hall. 

“Elaine please," George screamed as she the elevator door began to close.

George knocked on Kramer’s door. “What happened with Elaine? 

“George it was wild. I can’t understand why Jerry would break up with her." 

“Kramer, you to, well, you know what I mean." Kramer just grinned. “Why can you and not me?” 

“I’m Kramer," he said proudly while rubbing his chest.

“What were you two guys talking about?” “Guess, Kramer." 

“I can’t stand it. If Elaine was with you and Jerry, why not George. We’re all good friends. What, she doesn’t like me. Did I do something," George ranted.

“Maybe she was tired George, she may be worn out," Kramer grinned. “Why did she go with you anyway, I’m mean, Jerry was her boyfriend? Are you two going out together now or something?” 

“George, I don’t kiss and tell. I’ve got to take a shower.”

Unsatisfied with that answer he went back to Jerry’s apartment to watch TV until Jerry return home.

Elaine forgot her keys in Jerry’s apartment and had to return. Walking slowly up the hallway, she noticed the door ajar; Jerry is home.  Opening the door, she saw her keys then George on the couch.

“Elaine, what happened, are you and Kramer seeing each other now - boyfriend girlfriend?” Grumbling, 

“George, I don’t want to talk about this, please." 

“But Elaine, why you and Kramer, are you guys going out?” 

“No George, please, enough of this." “Sit down Elaine and tell me, if you’re not seeing Kramer why did you sleep with him?” 

Elaine was mentally and physically exhausted, rubbing her eyes and temples with her fingers.  

“George enough, I’m going”

Now more emphatically he said, “Elaine it’s not fair tell me. You get mad if me and Jerry see a movie without you." 

“George, we’re not talking about a movie." Persistent, George continued to try and beat the truth out of her. Elaine stood up, put her hands on her wide hips and took a deep breath the exhaled. 

She turned to George and sternly said, ”George it was a mistake. I know that now. It should not have happened, ok. Friends don’t sleep with each other, ok, understand." “Go see Susan, she’ll satisfy you or read another Glamour magazine,” she laughed.

George, sitting down, was eye level with her chest.

But George being George, so jealous and pathologically insecure, her answer was not enough to quell his anxiety. 

“George, what am I. What should I do? I made a mistake with Kramer, I admit that. But should I go around and sleep with all my male friends as atonement for what I did?” “Really, George, now let me go." 

“But Elaine us being such close friends, every time we all go out that’s all I’ll think about, that I wasn’t as good a friend or just not good enough,” he whispered. 

It was like dealing with an adult child, Elaine thought to herself. She couldn’t believe it, just couldn’t believe what she did to herself, what she was about to do. 

“Next time I’m buying a vibrator," she mumbled to herself. It came down to either get new friends or get even closer to another. 

Frustrated and irritated she yelled, “Let’s go George!," motioning with her hand for him to come closer.




Seinfeld: To Save The Friendship



“Really, Elaine." In a very uninspiring tone she replied, “Yeah, sit down.” 

“Oh thanks Elaine," he said apprehensively. “What ever happed to Susan?" Where is she, she could be here for you?” 

Nervously, “she turned lesbian again." 

Unemotionally, “All right George, ready?” He began to sweat, tense up, “yeah." She opened his zipper and reached into his pants. 

Surprised by what she felt, “George, ready, what’s wrong” He was still flaccid – he couldn’t get it up. “George?” 

“Give me a minute Elaine, I swear I’ll do it, give me a minute Elaine."

“I don’t have all day George, I’m tired."  “Could you kiss me Elaine, that might help?” 

“No George absolutely not” 

“Then try rubbing me down there," he said hesitantly. Detracted emotionally, like a nurse, she slowly rubbed and massaged his groin. From fingering his penis with her fingers to cupping his balls with her hand, nothing would wake little George up.

“George it’s been ten minutes, really I’ve got to go. You’ve have had your chance, now we're even with all this friends thing between us you mentioned, ok?." 

“But nothing happened yet Elaine." “I played my part George." 

Kramer entered wanting to borrow Jerry’s leather jacket, “Elaine I thought you left." 

He looked at George, his fly undone and was puzzled. “What, you guys?," he said with amazement. 

In a fit of jealously and frustration George yelled, “And why not us! You to, you know” 

Elaine impatiently paced the room as they talked.

“No, nothing George,” Kramer replied, “I should leave." 

Elaine complained, “George I want to go home, do you feel anything yet?” 

“What George, you can’t salute the general, even with beautiful Elaine." “It’s the pressure," he replied.

Elaine paced the floor waiting, dressed in her blue jeans and buttoned down shirt. Having quickly dressed to leave, she let her breasts hang freely. Because of the lack of bra support, the fine knit fabric of her blouse beautifully captured the shape and detail of her pouty nipples.

Seeing this Kramer became aroused, “Elaine maybe if you and I begin, well, you know, it might invigorate George?” 

“What!, Kramer, no this is between George and me. I can’t believe where talking about this." 

“How about it George. It’s like couples who rent videos to excite their sex lives. Me and Elaine will be that video." 

“Kramer, you want me to watch you and Elaine?” 

“George, just to get you started. It would be perfect buddy." 

“Well me and Susan did rent tapes a few times." 

“George, see it makes sense, ok."

“Wait a minute. Don’t I get a say in a this. After all, I’m playing a critical part," Elaine said. 

Jerry walks in, “what critical part?” “Oh, 

Jerry, George is impotent and where trying to help him." “I’m not impotent!," George yelled, “It’s the pressure." 

“Sure George, sure," Kramer replied. 

“So what are you planning to do?," Jerry laughed. 

“I’m going to play around with Elaine and see if that gets little George going."

“What," Jerry laughed, “Elaine are you going to do this. With George, I mean your, we are friends here." 

“Well Jerry if you can and Kramer, I don’t why I shouldn’t," George insisted. 

“Kramer you! Elaine you and Kramer," Jerry said. 

Elaine lowered her head, “It was a mistake Jerry but I don’t want to talk about it." 

Jerry looked at Kramer and then at Elaine disappointed. He felt he was special. Hurt, Jerry displayed a phony sense of understanding. Who is he, they were adults, he thought to himself.

“You mean we all go together or nothing," Jerry said.

“If were going to do this I’m first,” Jerry insisted.  

Kramer agreed, “Okay Elaine baby," he said. Kind of taken aback by not only the conversation but that her three friends were hungrily staring at her, she became defenseless, vulnerable and wary. 

“Now wait. All three, you want me to service all you guys at once. Well, my body is not up to that sort of thing. I don’t, well, I know I could not handle it?," Elaine nervously whispered.

“Don’t be silly Elaine, we’ll do you one at a time. Hell, George is impotent anyway.” 

Irritated, George yelled, “I’m not impotent!”

Jerry and Kramer began to undress. 

“No kissing,” she wanted some rules.

They moved the coffee table and put down a pillow. 

“I think we should flip a coin,” she said to be fair. Jerry already hurt by Elaine went ahead with her suggestion, tried not to show his discomfort of Elaine not wanting him first.

She flipped the coin, Jerry chose heads. It was tails – Kramer goes first. 

“What if George reacts before or during when we are,” she asks Jerry and Kramer. They were dumbfounded. They both assumed they each would get a crack at Elaine. 

“Whomever would stop and let George take over, right, Jerry, Kramer?," she suggested. 

“Um, well." He stammered. Elaine called the shots here, she played the vital part, they couldn’t argue. Jerry and Kramer agreed. Jerry, learning this fact and going second, was another blow to his ego.

She went to the Kitchen for a couple shots of Hemmen’s liquor to sooth her nerves and to ease her conscience.  She looked over the countertop into Jerry’s living room. Kramer was getting ready, Jerry was relaxing on the chair, and George starred back at her with his beady eyes from Jerry’s couch. 

Sex to save the friendship: but was this friendship worth it, she thought to herself? 

Elaine proclaimed, “George, this is it. I’ve had enough. Friends or no friends, we end this conversation today." 

He looked down at his lap and answered in a lackluster, “Ok."

She took one last shot and then laid down on the floor.

Acting almost cavalier and somewhat like a professional escort, she asked, ”Kramer do you want me on my knees or back?” 

“Your back, please Elaine. Your too short Elaine, even on my knees my Johnson would be way too above your behind to be very effective.” 

Elaine had her robe tide tight. 

On her back now, her robe developed slack. Kramer kneeled in front of her and opened her legs apart. He scooted up a few inches on his knees, still wearing a towel around his waist. On her back looking up, Kramer at 6-4 towered over her at 5-2. 

Anticipating the size, girth and the impending experience with Kramer, she became nervous. Kramer paused, “What about blow jobs?” 

“Shut up Kramer,” she screamed. “Sorry," he said.

Kramer undid his towel and his large tool sprung out. She never saw it before, only felt it inside her. It was above average in length but its’ width was the most striking factor.

George on the couch leaned forward, Jerry remained out of view in the kitchen.

Kramer leaned over her, her face at his lower chest level, and braced his arms on the floor above her delicate shoulders. 

Turning his head to George, “now pay attention son," he grinned. Looking down at Elaine’s face, he saw her face grimace in pleasure as he entered her.

Filling Elaine and after repeated and forceful penetrations, her body inched forward on the shag carpet. She gritted her teeth, exposing her bright white smile. Grabbing chunks of carpet with her hands, she tried to keep her body still. Grabbing and massaging her swollen nipples, Elaine cried out in pleasure. 

She trembled at the impacts and sensations she felt as he moved his hips.

George stared intently, but nothing. 

Wanting him to slow but not stop, the burning of the skin on her shoulders increased. 

“Kramer, slow down a little,” she groaned. He was oblivious. “Kramer?” Her butt acted like a pillow on which her body rocked, causing her to easily sway with his forward motions.

Pumping harder and faster he yelled, ”Elaine, who’s the king." “Who’s the king Elaine?”

George began to lick his lips.

She cried out, “Cozmo is the king." 

Pausing momentarily to wipe the sweat from her face, he resumed. After fifteen minutes, she yelled out, almost as in asking for help. She grabbed Kramer’s shoulders, trying to lift her shoulders off the carpet to ease the burn. She then grabbed him around the neck, raised herself off the carpet and panted in his ear. 

He grabbed a sheet off the couch and put in on the ground, eased her to the floor and resumed to pound away. 

“Ouch,," she cried, “Ooooh, fuck me." “I’m Cumming!” 

“I’m pulling out Elaine,” he groaned. As she began cumming, Kramer pulled out and exploded on her abdomen and some of her chest. 

After, copulating, Kramer fell on the floor next to Elaine, exhausted.

Elaine shrieked as she orgasmed and rolled on her side trembling. “Aoooh, Kramer, mmm,” she groaned. 

Kramer was a little rough for her, but the means sure justified the ends. She grinned, feeling wonderful.

Kramer was depleted. After a few minutes, he got up and looked George who had a defeatist look on his face and then to Jerry, “batter up buddy, hit one out of the park." 

George covered Elaine, still on her side.

Jerry almost wanted to punish her for what he felt was a betrayal. “Elaine are you ready?," he asked her as she rolled over stretching her arms smiling. The look of joy on her face weakened his tough demeanor.

She sat up, her arm covering her chest and the robe over her waist. 

Jerry stood in front of her, his waist slightly above her chin. Elaine was dubious about her predicament and its repercussions.

She whispered,” Jerry, I know your hurt but I’ll try to make it up to you." She used the robe to clean herself, tooth a deep breath and got up to her knees. 

She took the initiative, taking down his towel and began with a vigorous and methodical hand job.  She squeezed his manhood and whispered to Jerry, “I’m going to give it a try”

His head fell back then forward as he groaned in pleasure. Elaine licked her lips, took a deep breath and attempted to deep throat him. She slowly pushed her head forward. 

He assisted her with his hands on each side of her head. His dick slowly disappeared into her mouth and down her throat. 

She tongued his shaft as it slid in her mouth. As she neared the end of his shaft, Jerry began to pinch her nipples, causing a muffled squeal, his dick filling her mouth. 

She gagged slightly as the last inch filled her mouth and throat. Jerry rolled his eyes moaning for Elaine to, “Suck me off Laine, and swallow it."  

Pulling back, she took a deep breath of air, filled her lungs, looked up to Jerry and smiled then swallowed him again down her throat. It came more easily to her now, having overcome the gag reflex. “Uhmm," she mumbled, her mouth full.

George began to stir on the couch, after watching Elaine. She removed him from her mouth and lowered her head, opened her mouth and filled her mouth with his nut-sack, licking his balls while in her mouth. 

Jerry exploded in passion, “my god Elaine."

He pushed her back to the floor, forced her legs wide and thrusted his manhood deep into Elaine. She welcomed his passion. Like a jackhammer, he thrusted himself into her. 

Flailing her head side to side, she squealed, “Seinfeld, fuck me!” Jerry brought his arms up and around her legs. Her legs on his shoulders, he leaned forward using his shoulders to push her legs closer towards her head, raising her waist slightly off the carpet.

He repositioned himself and repeated his thrusts into her.

“Oh Jerry, Oh Jerry.  You know the spot, god!” Jerry wasn’t the biggest or thickest but he knew what spots to hit. 

Elaine grimaced, biting her lip.  She began to fondle herself, her nipples, as he caressed her thighs and nipples. She grabbed her legs, trying to open herself wider to allow him to penetrate deeper. 

“I’m going to break you Elaine."

Jerry began to grunt deeper and said, “Elaine, I’m ready, open wide." She was mumbling softly to herself, ready to orgasm. 

Her eyes opened wide, her mouth gaping open. She looked possessed. Elaine screamed so loud one could probably here her outside on the street, ”I’m Cumming." She experienced the most devastating orgasm she ever felt. 

Her arms stretched outward, her body quivered. 

Jerry lowered to the floor above her mouth. Elaine saw him approach and opened her mouth to receive him. Jerry grunted, emptying his load into her mouth. 

Elaine panted, breathing heavily through her nose, until he finished in her mouth. She rested up on her elbows until Jerry squeezed out the few drops.

Jerry fell to the floor, spent. Elaine struggled to her feet, mouth full, still panting heavily through her nose. When at the bathroom, she spit into the sink. She then slowly staggered back and looked down at Jerry on the floor then at Kramer in the Kitchen. 

George, after witnessing Elaine, felt his groin stir. Elaine was limp, exhausted and fell back onto Jerry’s chair. 

She grabbed her groin, put her feet up on the chair and experienced the lingering effects of her orgasm.

George saw the grin on Elaine’s face and couldn’t believe what she did or how she acted like an animal. 

He cautiously approached Elaine. Timidly, he touched her arm and whispered in her ear, “I’m ready." 

In a soft whine she said, “Oh, George, George, please, please, knowing the fact that I would have sex with you is not enough for your ego?” 

He started to whine and pout like a child, “But, but, Elaine you promised just like Jerry and Kramer, you, you remember?” 

Feeling obligated but unenthusiastic, she reluctantly got up and covered herself with her robe. She slowly walking to the bathroom to brush her teeth and dry the sweat from her head. 

One last shot of liquor and she motioned with her hand for George to open his pants.

Kramer noticed Elaine getting down on her knees and tapped Jerry on the shoulder. Jerry got up on his elbows and smiled. 

Kramer and Jerry laughed softly. “Way to go Georgie boy!” Kramer yelled, “prove me wrong." “I-P-O-T-E-N-T," Kramer began chanting. 

Jerry laughed. “Be quiet Kramer," Elaine asked.

Thoughts of how to finish George as quick as possible ran through her head. He opened up his pants slightly exposing himself. There was no way to avoid it – she had to blow George. 

“George if we’re going to do this then at least take your glasses off.” Idiot, she thought to herself. Jerry and Kramer quietly watched.

“Ready, George.” “Yeah,” he said in a pathetic tone of voice. 

Agonizing over her situation, she decided to do it as quick as possible. Just getting it done would be a relief in itself. 

Elaine pulled him slightly down the couch behind his knees, in order to flatten his waist line. In a very nonsexual tone, she said, “George pull your pants and shorts down, ok?”

“Yes, of course." He didn’t appreciate how disinterested Elaine was in giving him a blow job; he just wanted a blow job from his sexy friend Elaine and to be able to screw her. 

George shuffled himself, eagerly dropping his pants and shorts to his knees. His eyes about to pop out of this head, Elaine grabbed his shaft and took a couple deep breaths. 

Brushing her damp hair over her head with her free hand, she looked away from his eyes then began to stroke him.

Surprisingly, Jerry said, ”You wait George, Laine gives the best blow jobs." “I bet," Kramer chimed in. 

“Jerry,” Elaine said embarrassed. “Well Elaine you do," he replied.

Tighting her grip, Elaine rose up on her knees and leaned farther in between George’s legs.

Opening her mouth wide, she lowered her head down upon him. Her lips were centimeters away from the tip when there was a knock at the door.  

A woman began yelling from the hallway with a deep arresting voice, “ Georgie, are you in there. Georgie, I need you to give me a ride." 

Elaine sat back on the floor. George was crushed at the sound of his mother’s voice, his dick deflated. 

Jumping up grabbing his pants, he began begging Elaine for a second chance. “No George, I reluctantly agreed to do this, now. We agreed, friends or no friends this was it." 

“But Elaine, my mother is outside the door,” he begged.

Jerry and Kramer were hysterical.

The wash of relief that passed over her was palpable – she dogged a bullet.

Getting impudent knowing she was free, she smiled and said in a throaty whisper, “George, if you can get it up now I swear I’ll give you a blow job and we will do it on the couch."

“Georgie, open the door." 

“George open the door," his dad echoed. 

“But, but, wait, Elaine”

 ”George, do it now, lets go," she said impertinently.  

“Ooooh, that’s a shame," Jerry sighed sarcastically.

She got up and went to the bathroom to get dressed. 

Dressed, she came back, looked George over, then opened Jerry’s door, “Guys, it has been fun but I’ve got to get some sleep, I’m sore all over and my body is worn out."

“Elaine you’re the best," Jerry said respectfully. “Dito, Elaine," Kramer echoed. 

She turned her head and smiled.

Half dressed, “No, no Elaine come back." “Sorry George, I would have loved to help you out," she said as she left.



Seinfeld Visits Literotica



Did you ever wonder about those extra buttons that come with suits and sport coats? You know the ones in a little plastic bag in the inside pocket? I mean what's that all about? Does the tailor think we can't find a small black plastic replacement button costing one penny when we need one? I mean you all have a special drawer in your armoire with all these spare button sets neatly categorized by color and size, with a swatch from the suit alongside, right? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

So goes one of the opening monologues on the Jerry Seinfeld Show during the first or second season. Not funny? I guess you had to be there. When he does it, it's funny. That's his gig - finding humor in the most mundane, ordinary things encountered in everyday life.

So I got to thinking. What if Seinfeld visited the Literotica website. I'm not sure this is everyday life, but we all need a little extra stimulation once and a while, am I right? Even Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kozmo. I mean they don't remain Masters of their Domain all the time. Especially George. 

Gee, would I like to be deemed sponge-worthy by Elaine. I mean we'd all like to fuck her brains out, right? But enough about Elaine. What would Jerry say after sitting in front of his computer with his pants unzipped for a month of late nights with Literotica?

I imagine something like this.

Did you ever wonder who Laurel and Manu really are? I mean has anyone ever seen or talked to them? Has anyone ever gotten a return email from them? I want a show of hands on that! No one? WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

For all I know, Laurel is a pseudonym for Osama Bin Laden. Yes, he has been hiding out at Lit all these months, corrupting the morals of readers in the free world by planting the seed that all Western men are wimps and like to eat creampie. I mean he is already on record with his claim that all Western women are total sluts, which we know is just sour grapes because he's never been able to score any Western pussy. But how could we allow the nose of his camel under our Literotica tent?

And we all know who Manu is, right? Saddam Hussein! I mean for all these years the link between al-Qaida and Saddam has been right under Bush's nose right here at Literotica. Weapons of mass destruction? Duhhhh, I guess! PUSSY! All George and his henchmen had to do was spread the bush a little and get their nose wet. Instead they have been wasting their time beating the bush, which is not a very productive endeavor unless you are into BDSM. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? 

And have you noticed how challenging the profile page is for aspiring and even regular writers? Can they not figure out how to choose among the multiple-choice answers? Is "Gender?" too difficult? JUST ASKING.

I don't know about you, but I look up the profile of any author I am reading for the first time. I like to know whether this is a novice writer and one who would like to have feedback. That the writer might take a little time to tell me why they are writing and whether this is fantasy or real life inspired is not an unrealistic expectation, is it? Of course having a female writer's picture showing tits or ass is almost guaranteed to get a rise and a read out of me - and at least a vote of four, even if her writing really sucks. Sorry guys. 

When I see a string of "No Answers" on that profile, am I wrong to read that as "Fuck you, assholes"? And I'm really going to read that story, right? Ever wonder why someone would post a story and invite everyone not to read it? Like if a writer tells us what sex they are, we're going to show up at their door with a hard-on, right? WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

And I do kind of like to know what sex the writers and readers are. Kramer tells me that most of the "women" on Lit are really guys in drag, like Kanga 40, but you have to read their stuff and comments to eventually figure that out. So why the deceptive names? I mean "peggytwitty" is a woman and "deadwould" is a man, right? Isn't it hard enough to know whether the profile is truthful without throwing those wrenches at us? Did these people not make up their minds about declaring their gender until after they selected their "nom de Lit"? Or did they change their minds? 

And what about the writers who post a picture of a cat or a sunset in their profile? Aren't they afraid we'll recognize the cat and call them up for some nasty sex? Or did they actually try to post a picture of a creampie (his cream or her pie) but Laurel censored it? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? 

I mean how anonymous do you have to be? Like the people (primarily chicks) who tell us their height (invariably "small") but give "no answer" for their weight, are really pulling the wool over our eyes. I mean large chicks who contribute to Lit are great fucks, so why hide it? Am I right?

And speaking of anonymous, what is with the cretins (sorry, I meant critics) who write anonymous essays denigrating the story they didn't actually read, because the subject matter offends their delicate moral sensibilities? Are they afraid someone might pick up their social security number from a profile? Are they so cowardly that they are afraid some author might send them a nasty email to thank them for their doltish comments? I suppose it is so much safer to take potshots at people who can't shoot back. A gutless drive-by assassin in a dark tinted car is what they are. I mean I can see Jerry Falwell not wanting to identify himself as a reader of erotic literature, but you don't have to post a picture on your member profile. Do all of these people really not have any testicles? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? 

Need I ask why these limp dick wonders are perusing Literotica, anyway? I recently saw where these masturbating moral pigmies have formed a club to combat the portrayal of licentious pussy, called "Dickless Anonymous". A more accurate title might be "Misogynists United". Don't cha wonder if these anonymous illiterates (all apparently male) have had their women cheat on them throughout their lives, while they are impotent to respond. 

The picture emerges that, cuck-less though they claim to be, they can't get an erection unless they read of a wife cheating and then can't get off unless she is severely punished. That's why they get so pissed off when there is reconciliation. They wind up with a noodle dick and no way to get off. 

Haven't any of these Anonymous numb-nuts figured out how to use a spell-checker? And did you notice that some of these guys give themselves away every time they mumble their incoherent comments? We all know the usual suspects like "sick little one" Anonymous. Kramer heard that the only time this bozo gets his peepee wet is when he pisses himself. And then there is "60 yr old George" Anonymous, who is always looking for someone to root for. Has he mistaken the Cheating Bimbettes for the Fighting Irish?  

Perhaps Laurel should give authors more tools than just deletion of these inane essays. How about a button to push that would automatically post a photograph of a horse's ass next to the comment? 

Like why are they reading "Loving Wives" category anyway? Don't they realize that the overwhelming number of stories in this category involve married women sampling strange tube steak? Does someone force them to read this stuff? It goes without saying that these anonymous critics are stupid and lack an education, but even a sixth grader can read! WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

And speaking about Loving Wives, did you ever wonder what is with this category? In almost none of the stories are the wives loving (except of some hot extra-marital sex), and in half the stories they end up not being wives. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

I mean Literotica has about 17 story categories. Can't we create about two or three more? The cuckold stories offend the most ignorant readers and there is never any revenge, so the rest of us have to deal with their incoherent and impotent whining. Like these bozos know anything about what it is to be a real man. Why not give this its own category, or at least put it in fetish. Then these clowns will have no excuse for stumbling into one of these stories (although it's not like they wouldn't search them out anyway).

Another category would be "wife watchers", which stories get the second most hate mail from the testically challenged. I don't usually like these, but Kramer has pointed out a few good ones about independent women who do it for themselves instead of their "wimp" husbands. So I don't know that this is a fetish, but it does deserve its own category. 

We cross over the line from "watching" when the husband also gets to dip his wick in his wife or some strange stuff (other than his wife's fresh creampie). And that should be the debarkation for "Loving Wives". Heaven forbid that a wife would actually enjoy fucking her husband. Threesomes and swapping and exhibitionism go on from there, but there are other categories for this activity too. 

Speaking of which, what are "Cheating Wife" stories all about? They certainly aren't "loving" as these wives are invariably and inexplicably driven by their raging devil pussies to eternal damnation. I mean when did women begin following their pussies around like we men follow our dicks? Do any of you know a woman who is controlled by her pussy? Where can I meet her? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

This is a whole genre of alleged erotic story that may not belong on Literotica at all. Who exactly gets off on these stories? I mean if there is no attempt to arouse the reader (except for the members of Dick-less Anonymous), what is the point? What part of "non-erotic" do these writers not understand? 

I'm tired of hearing George Costanza complaining about these silly cartoons. It is one thing to read bad Hustler porn but quite annoying to read of cardboard characters following a buffoon script for marriage. BIFF! BAM! BOOM, and the brain-dead June Cleaver abandons Ward and the Beaver for a big dick, and is eternally damned as she deservedly dies of Aids. WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

Oh, and the idea of the evil alpha male predator, who is the staple of this genre, may not be an idea whose time has yet come, as it were. I tried to float a storyline about one for the Larry David show, but none of the writers had ever heard of or encountered such a human being. And a non-scientific survey of every human being I have ever met did not turn up anyone who would admit to ever having known such a person. 

Use of such a character (are there any other kinds to inveigle the innocent slut wife?) leads to some clever writing on Lit though. I loved the recent story about the married bank vice-president who flipped the bird at the cuck husband in the middle of an office Christmas party while he impaled cuck's drugged wife who, despite her alleged drugged condition, was having the best orgasms of her life while she vigorously jumped up and down on A-man's huge dick. Husband was so crestfallen that he disappeared for five years. Oh, and I think somebody died of Aids in there. Couldn't follow that? But that's a great plot, right? It got the coveted red "H", so it must be "Erotic Literature"! Works for me.

Which reminds me that I got the same survey results regarding experience with date rape drugs, an unfailingly clever plot devise used by writers of this genre. Seems that no one knew of such a drug ever turning a woman into a multi-orgasmic cumslut - just a somnambulant rapee and unwitting cumbucket. So I keep wondering why the members of Dick-less Anonymous still think these women are "disgusting sluts". I guess they fantasize that they can finally get into a live woman's pants with something like these drugs. Alcohol never worked for these limp dicks. WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

And then these stories draw the "Mavens of Misogyny" out of the woodwork to write essays about whether the brain-dead wife is sufficiently punished, or the man so lacking in manhood as to reconcile with the bitch. You know who I mean. Twenty, thirty, or forty comments that do nothing but pontificate about the reader's political views on adultery. The moral essays of these guys are stultifying. Never a word about the writing, only the outcome of the marriage and whether it meets their litmus test for revenge and retribution.

Elaine insists that none of these woman-hating mavens could be a woman, despite their profiles. I mean, surely no woman in this day and age really thinks that a wife and her pussy are the personal property of a husband! But Kramer counters with his peculiar insight to suggest that Phyllis Schlafley has several evil twin sisters who read Lit, including at least one in Australia. Not to worry – UK women never read these stupid stories. Actually, if truth be told, I don't think any women read these stories. 

Oh, and Elaine wanted me to ask, why is there no "Loving Husbands" category? Like I don't know. Something to do with the fact that 60% of men are adulterers, while only 10% of Lit readers are women, do you think? Duh. JUST ASKING. 

Of course, of those 10 % who claim to be women, only half are. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? 

The only true "loving husbands" in this category are those who are usually wrongfully accused. And then these clever writers set up the revenge fuck by the offended wife which invariably goes wrong, giving results such as the burning death of the poor husband or the discovery that HE LIKES TO WATCH. Like we all know women who can get instantly catty when it comes to throwing her pussy at the first available male, usually her husband's worst enemy or his best friend. Lots of women like that in the real world, don't cha know. WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

And while we are examining weird and unexplainable phenomenon on Literotica, what is it about BIG DICKS on Literotica? I mean whose fantasy is that? Really? The male writer who has felt, and will always feel, inadequate? Is that a form of cucksterism for these guys to live in a world where they will always be humiliated because they fantasize that their dicks will never measure up? Or is it the female writer who either has never had one or has such a huge cunt that she can't feel a normal dick in her capacious cavern? Or is submissive and into pain. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? 

I mean studies show that the average penis length is around 5.9 inches (1/4 inch shorter for Asian and black cock), with distribution on a bell curve. Do you know what that means? That 90 - 95 % of dicks are between five and seven inches long. Now I would be the first to suspect that these studies are not impeccably accurate, because I would guess that the federal funding for the study did not allow for the employment of enough teenage fluffers (all 18 and over, Laurel) to get the job done. 

Unhappily, no one has ever undertaken a study to find out how many huge vaginas are out there, but my own personal survey indicates around 2 % fall into this category. It's not like women brag about having the Grand Canyon between their legs. But given the remarkable consistency of Mother Nature, it seems logical to conclude that there are approximately the same numbers of big dicks as there are big cunts. Darwin tells us that they are both relatively useless, because otherwise survival of the fittest would dictate that we all have them by now, or at least that the top of the bell had moved a couple of inches to the right.

Not following this, pencil-dick? The Q.E.D. for the logically challenged is that the porn paradigm of huge dicks does not match the porn paradigm of tight cunts. So why do ninety percent of Lit stories feature stupendous cocks getting stuffed into tiny pussies, when Literotica aspires to be literature instead of pornography? If it were literature, the woman would scream in pain, not pleasure. So I ask you, who gets off on this absurd porn fantasy? Anything longer than 7 inches is wasted anyway, and many women can't even take 7".

Every once in a while, you read a true story about a sad guy with a 9 inch dick who has never been laid, because no woman would let him stuff her with that log. What's that you say - a vagina can adjust to accept a huge dick with a little patience? Well, that may be true and I guess that's why so many women have reported incredible orgasms during natural childbirth. Something about being painfully full, I think. The longer the labor so as to give her time to adjust to that 10-inch (diameter) baby, the better the orgasm. Right, ladies? 

I mean do you know any woman, who is not a masochist, who likes to fuck oversized dicks? I mean any such woman who can prove she doesn't have a huge twat? They may smirk when they say it, but I guess the women who claim that "Size matters" always fail to finish the sentence with "because I have a jumbo vagina." 

I heard of a club in L.A. for big pricks called the "Hung Jury". Seems like the women who join are known as the "Cunt Canyons". NO, REALLY!

That slut Elaine has trouble with 7 inches. One of the storylines that didn't make the show in the second year had her measuring George, Kramer, and me to resolve some stupid bet. The network threw out the script because Elaine had to get topless and give us all a little head to make it a fair contest. But we did it anyway in her dressing room. As you might expect, George had 5 inches, Kozmo had 6, and I was 7 inches. Or did Kramer have 7 and I had 6? Gee, I forget who had the bigger johnson. We were then going to practice another storyline involving Elaine getting triple penetrated, but George blew before he could get into her ass. Pity. But Elaine is one hot fuck, I can tell you.

Sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah, who exactly is it that fantasizes about a useless big dick? WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

And speaking of mythical big dicks, what is it with BIG BLACK DICKS? Why is it that only 2% of African-American men have larger than average penises, but 98% of interracial and other stories on Literotica feature black men with transplanted horse dicks that are anywhere from 10 to 18 inches long? Or is that around? Shouldn't these stories be in the category of Sci-Fi or Non-Human? Of course it goes without saying that they are always attached to jive talkin' gangsta pimps who treat their (always) white women as nasty cum-bucket 'hoes to be shared by all the Bros in the 'Hood. 

Odd how none of these ridiculous stories involve or are written by black women. And if all black men have big dicks, do all black women have huge cunts? It would seem to follow, wouldn't it? 

I mean whose sick fantasy is that? Do you know any black man even remotely similar to this horrid Lit convention? I'm sorry, but I guess that's a stupid question considering that the tenor of the anonymous pencil-dick comments would suggest that most Lit readers have never met a black man. But Kramer claims to have seen a lot of them in the Army and the only distinguishing characteristic of their dicks was that – FLASH – they were black! Of course, now, he may not have seen them all stiff (don't ask!). 

One of those studies asked the respondent to measure his erect dingus (no instructions on how to do this), and then "rate" himself as small, average, or large. One black man reported his length as 6 inches, but apparently had not hesitation in rating himself "large". I guess he had heard the rumors that EVERY white woman spreads and assumed that he must have a big black dick. Such a cross to bear for black men everywhere. 98% going through life either feeling inferior or deceiving themselves. 

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? Well, for once I will tell you, if you will permit me to step down off the comedy stage (or is that up onto the soapbox?). What this is all about is RACISM! Whenever you stereotype a group by the color of their skin, you are a bigot. Whether you give them good characteristics ("they" can run faster and jump higher) or bad ("they" are lazy, lack the buoyancy to swim well, are all on welfare, or have huge dicks), you are assigning pernicious labels that relegate a race to "different" than "us". If "they" are not like us, we can dehumanize them and dismiss them. And hate them. The operative word is "they".




Seinfeld Visits Literotica



"Hey! This is just fantasy, Jerry! Lighten up," I heard some bigot writer say.

Not likely. I mean all Jews have big noses and "they" control the banks and the media, right? That's just a joke, right? The Germans didn't think so. And we all agree that gay men are pansies with a lisp, right? And lesbians are fat chicks who want to be men? Those are all fantasies, right? Sort of depends on your point of view huh? If "they" are different than you, then it is OK to rip them off?

But I guess it is still politically correct to denigrate black men as animals here on Literotica. Here we have a thinly veiled fear of blacks "stealing our women" as foundation for the fantasy. Reading some of the comments to these stories confirms this absurdity. That irrational fear is why a de facto death penalty is still on the books in some southern states for a black man raping a white woman. 

I mean, I thought we Killed That Mockingbird 40 years ago. 

So you "writers" who write this racist crap, male of female, make no mistake, you are bigots. Vote these people off Literotica. Or relegate them to a fetish category called Racist Smut. This ain't literature, and it ain't erotic. Shame on Laurel for allowing this insidious garbage. I mean interracial sex is cool – skin and cultural contrast and all that stuff can be a turn-on – but leave out the ridiculous animal dicks! I would rather read a forbidden story about a donkey fucking a 14 year old than yet another racist BBC story. We don't have a sordid history of hanging donkeys. 

And by the way, is there any difference between black semen, white semen and Asian semen? The taste, I mean. Just asking. Sorry, I forgot African-American men have such huge balls to shoot no less than a quart of black seed into that breeding married white cunt. Another nauseating porn convention embraced by Literotica. Ever notice how whites and Asians don't BREED their 'hoes? That epithet is reserved for animals and black men. GEE, I WONDER WHY? I rest my case. 

Moving right along, ever wonder about female writers who claim to tell true stories about exhibitionism? I mean wouldn't you think they would post a picture showing at least a peek of their naked butt? JUST ASKING.

And speaking of profile pictures, have any of you figured out what Laurel bin Laden's pictorial standards are. I mean I understand no boner pictures, but can't we see a little beaver from the brave, discerning woman who wants to post it? If you guys are wondering about the possibilities, compare Naughty Miranda's profile pic on Lit with the one on eroticstories.com. They were taken at the same time. Her hot stories are the same on both sites. WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

And have any of you figured out what Laurel's editorial standards are? I mean other than kinky sex that turns her on. Has any green "E" been followed by a red "H"? Inquiring minds want to know.

I can't finish this without doing one for George. As you know George was over thirty when the show ended, but was never able to quite get it going with his love life. Not that Kramer and Elaine didn't try to help him get his act together. Advice to the lovelorn little man was never in short supply.

So he wanted me to ask where the "How-to" pieces by twenty-year-olds on Lit came from? Everything from how to vacuum the pink hose to common mistakes men make on Valentine's. Or at bars. Or in bed. Oy Vay! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

When was the last time you asked a twenty year old for advice about anything more difficult than whether the vanilla cappuccino is any good? I want a show of hands here! Oh, I see one guy claims he asked one whether she came – again. Trust me, if you have to ask, she didn't. Well, maybe not for some 20 year olds – they haven't figured out how to let themselves go and show it yet.

Yet some of these young women, having just discovered sex, start babbling like they just invented pussy and have triumphed in the battle of the sexes. There is a word for this – Navel gazing? Self-absorbed? Oblivious? And some readers actually read these unenlightened personal anecdotes, giving favorable comments like they have just received pearls of wisdom. I guess they are just trying to sweet talk these young women into Internet bed with the fantasy of another kind of pearl necklace.

I mean I can see fucking them. But asking their opinion about anything important? I don't think so.

So, until I can return with another riff, I'll say goodbye and good stroking. Don't make a mess.