6 comments/ 17530 views/ 4 favorites Wishful Thinking Ch. 02 By: taylorreed Wishful Thinking....The story continues. I really appreciate your comments thank you! I have more in store for you all and I won't say it's not going to be rough But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...right? This next part of our story may hit home with those Of you who have experienced abuse of any kind. I have been encouraged by my friends, my baby and my therapist to lay it all out there to maybe help someone else and that's a tough crowd to refuse so here it all is...I have also included a different way of telling this next series. I "interviewed" Mike to get another scope to our story...So like it or not...here goes! Blessings Taylor. There's darkness all around. I can't see my hand in front of my face. I look up and there, miles above me I see a small circle of light. My heart is racing and sweat soaks my body. I am shaking so badly I can barely stand but somewhere inside I know that if I do sit it will happen. The slithering rustle I can faintly hear will consume me if I give in and collapse to the cold dirt floor. I pray silently and desperately for help or death whichever comes first. My lips move but I am careful not to make any sound. He is listening..Always listening and waiting for an excuse to prolong the torture. No matter what he does I vow with an iron will not to let him break me. Something brushes against my toe and I bit my tongue to keep the scream silent. The noise builds inside me like a hurricane and I can no longer keep myself from bellowing with fear. Waving my arms frantically I beg for mercy. Yelling for all I am worth I can feel myself slip. In the distance I can hear someone calling me. "Taylor.....Taylor...It's ok...I've got you...Stop!" A gentle hand touches my face but I struggle against it. Not daring to believe I am safe. Finally consciousness takes hold and I am aware of my surroundings. Gasping for air I stare wildly around our bedroom...Our bedroom. With it's safe walls and Mike's strong arms around me. I wipe my sweaty hair from my forehead and not saying a word I burrow into Mike's neck and get as close to him as I can. Mike rocks me and inquires softly.. "Was it like the others?" Not trusting my voice I nod and will myself not to cry. Mike sighs deeply and asks, "What can I do?" I whisper a reply "Just hold me ok." Drifting back off to sleep I feel safe with Mike's arms around me. The next morning sitting at the breakfast table I knew like always there would be awkward silences and I hated it. I don't know why I was having those nightmares again but I knew where they came from. Mike and I had stayed up many nights talking about my past with my stepfather and the things that had happened to me but I was a coward and had not shared "everything". I knew I wasn't giving Mike enough credit for being able to handle the things I was desperate to tell him but I just couldn't do it. I knew without a doubt that if I bared my soul my life would end...that was the power that "he" still continued to have over my life and I didn't know how to get it back without going over the edge. *Mike* God I am so frustrated! After about a year of Taylor and I being together he suddenly starts having these horrible nightmares. I have no idea what to say or how to help him. It kills me to see him going through this and we've talked...which was like pulling teeth.. but he opened up and shared some of his past with me. I tried so hard to keep the look of shock and total horror off my face but I don't think I succeeded. I know there are some things that he's not telling me and I am terrified of what those things are. If the stuff he told me is awful...what must the things I don't know about be like? How does a person go through something like that and stay sane? I watch him sleep and search for signs that he's in the grips of another nightmare and I am filled with such a desire to protect him from his demons. I have had two other relationships in my life but none like this. I feel like he is the other half of me and my every thought is of him..Will Taylor like this? I wonder what would Taylor like? Sigh I know...it's kind of sappy but I thank God above every day for bringing this special man into my life. I know he thinks I am going to get fed up and leave..Do I wish things were easier? Do I want a "normal" relationship without the past hanging around? Sure! But if having Taylor in my life means that I get all the baggage then so be it! I just wish I could make him truly believe that no matter what he has me for as long as he can stand me. We have such a connection he and I. When we are making love we know exactly where to touch each other. I love it that I can just look at him in a certain way and turn him on. I was in the shower the other day smiling like an idiot just thinking about him when I heard Taylor stirring in our bed. I dried myself off hastily and rushed in to "save" him from yet another nightmare but from the blissful look on his face and the erection he was sporting is wasn't that kind of dream. I slowly drew the sheet from his sleeping form and took a moment to drink him in. In spite of the few scars as past reminders he truly was beautiful. Stocky and all muscle but soft as a marshmallow on the inside. I planted soft kisses on his feet and inched my way to his stomach and proceeded to lick his navel. Feeling his cock growing even harder against me just made what I was doing even more satisfying. My hands found their way to his nipples and teased them into stiff peaks and I stretched my body over his loving the feeling of our skin touching. I couldn't restrain myself any longer and in one smooth motion I engulfed his rock hard length with my mouth causing him to moan loudly and suck in his breath. I felt his hands softly touch my cheeks. "Mornin darlin" Taylor's voice was still soft with sleep but his body took on a life of it's own. I growled with frustration as he drew me up his chest and captured my mouth. Our tongues danced each wanting possession of the other and I felt myself harden. Taylor flipped us over so he took the dominant position and began to tease me just as I had done to him. He knew all my erotic places and used that to his advantage. By the time he reached my throbbing cock I was begging for mercy and just wanted him to fuck me. Instead, slicking up two fingers he eased them inside my quivering hole and began to massage my prostate. My body bucked and moved and I thought I would go insane from the sensations I was experiencing. His lips found my nipples and he attacked them with vigor. The combination of both sent me over the edge. I felt my balls draw up and time stopped. I exploded, sending thick ropes of come over both of us. Taylor withdrew his fingers and licked me clean. Then lent in to share my taste with me. I moved once again to pleasure him but he stopped me. "No. That was just for you," He said smiling. His arms went around me held me tightly against his chest. I could hear his heart beating and his hands caressed my hair. I didn't know what I had done to deserve this man but I certainly was going to do everything in my power to make sure he stayed mine. *Taylor* I walked slowly towards the red barn door. I didn't want to look but I couldn't help myself. I was drawn to it. I heard a strange noise coming from inside. Something told me to run but my body wouldn't obey. I stood silently at the entrance, not wanting to let "him" know I was there. The consequences may be disastrous. What was that sound? My heart sped up and I started to tremble. Praying that the door would not make a noise I pushed it open slowly. My knees gave way and I sank to the ground. Before I could stop it a scream hurtled from my body. "He" looked at me and smiled. A sharks smile. Full of malice and power. I clamped my hands over my eyes willing myself not to see..."No..No...No.." I was still yelling as I sat up straight in bed. From nowhere, Mike came running in and enclosed me in a strong hug. "Shhh shhh..It's ok baby it's ok". He whispered soothingly. " I couldn't sleep so I was making some coffee and I heard you yelling". He said by way of explanation. I suddenly became very angry. Not at Mike but at the way my life wasn't mine. I stood and began to pace the bedroom floor. "Fucking hell!" I ranted. Mike just sat on the bed passively and let me blow off steam. "This is really starting to piss me off! I can't do this anymore. Goddam son of a bitch! How do I get my life back?" I wasn't expecting an answer and Mike didn't offer any. He hasn't seen me this angry..ever. He's always telling me that I need to get mad. I knew it was there but my fear has always been that if I let loose I may loose control. I stood in the middle of the room at a loss. I was just so tired of things being so hard. God..I was pathetic! Mike knew my anger had subsided and came to join me. Looking me straight in the eye he asked "What do you want?" I knew. I've always known..for it to be over. But when something, even something awful, has been a part of you for as long as you can remember, what do you do when it's not there anymore? What if I don't know how to be "normal"? What if my brain let's me remember and I fall into that black hole that's waiting to devour me and I don't come back? So many "what ifs" but I had finally found the person that I was willing to go against every instinct for.I sighed deeply and looked back at Mike. "Ok..Let's make today a new day. You, me, it's all worth going through hell for so let's do it". I sounded so sure, so brave but inside I was terrified. Once again my cowardice took over and I gave Mike an out. "Look Mike. When this starts if it all gets too intense and you can't handle it..it's ok...I will totally understand if you need to go". My voice broke a little at the end as I waited for the hammer to drop. Mike's hands closed around my face and he forced me to look at him. "I am not, now or ever going anywhere..Do you get that? No matter what ok...". I let my breath out in a rush. So let the games begin I thought to myself. It's time to get my life back. This is the end for now.  I hope me writing on Mike's behalf wasn't too weird for you all. This all happened a while ago but most of it I can remember like it was yesterday. So even though things get a little intense there is a light at the end of every tunnel..it may be a long way off but it's there... Blessings Taylor. Wishful Thinking Ch. 03 Hi again everyone. If you are looking to "get off" then this is not the story for you. This is an ongoing challenge for me to finish this and I have been putting it off but no longer...It gets ugly and dark and some of it I find hard to believe ever happened because in spite of it all...Here I am. Still standing. Most of all I just pray that if you read this and have been through abuse of any kind please believe you are not alone. The human spirit can still triumph in the face of great adversity and that's what makes us living miracles. So, here it is! Blessings Taylor. * Taylor. I sat, wide awake for the remainder of the evening paralyzed with fear after agreeing with Mike to finally work through the events of my past. I glanced down at Mike; jealous of his peaceful slumber then chided myself for being a prick. It wasn't his fault that my life was so screwed up and deep down inside I knew it wasn't mine but a mean little voice kept on reminding me that in some sick way I deserved it all...the beatings, the torture and the abuse. I needed to find myself a good therapist and I had no idea where to start. After finally being old enough to leave I moved into my own place and cut myself off from anything and everyone in my past. I threw myself into my studies and eventually got my degree and became an oncologist, specializing in pediatric cancers. I rationalized it all by telling myself that it was to help others but truthfully I think the child I was trying to save was me. I was terrified of my colleagues finding out that there was a crazy in their midst so I would have to think of some way to get help but get time off work too. I had a lot of vacation time coming so maybe that would be my lie, that I was on an island somewhere enjoying the sun with my guy when in truth I was deep in a black hole screaming to get out. Mike gave me his word that no matter what he would stand by me but I had my doubts. I had shared some minor things with him and he looked as though he was going to throw up so what would his reaction be when it all came spewing out? I found it so hard to really let myself trust others so I fought constantly against my instincts to run but at long last I had found my soul mate and I would do anything to keep him including dealing with things that I had buried for years. The next day I was on call but didn't have to actually go into work so I made some discreet calls and found someone whom I thought would be good for me and called to make an appointment. I thought that maybe it wouldn't be for a few months but no such luck. I was scheduled for the same day at 2.30pm. With trembling hands I set the phone back on it's cradle. So this was it! There was no getting away from it now, not unless of course that by some miracle I would get struck by a speeding car or maybe an anvil would fall on me from a great height like in a roadrunner cartoon. Mike moaned lightly in his sleep and changed positions allowing my eyes more access to his sleeping form. I took a moment to drink him in. The tousled hair and that yummy little dent at the base of his spine that he so loved me to lick. His arms and legs were covered in a silky fine down of dark hair and there was just enough on is chest so I had to search for his nipples with my tongue like a sensual game of hide and seek. Tears gathered in my eyes as I looked upon the one man who had finally allowed me to let some of the wall down that I had so carefully constructed to shield me from further hurts. I didn't know what I had done to deserve him but if it took cutting off my left arm to keep him then I would do that too. I knew that as long as I stayed stuck I would always be powerless and I hated that more than I was scared. I was a grown man now and I needed to suck it up and make my life mine again. Hopefully I would survive it all mentally intact and not end up a blithering idiot in a padded cell somewhere. In some of my darkest moments I truly wished for numbness to take over and then it would finally be done. But I had my Michael now and that was worth everything to me and as much as he loved me I'm sure he would prefer to have an actual conversation with someone that wasn't drooling all over himself! We still laughed about things like that but it was tinged with a little fear and it was the kind of laugh that said It's all funny until its real, then what do we do? Mike flippantly brushed it off but I knew that he was just as scared as I was of this all going horribly wrong. I left him to sleep and went and took a scaldingly hot shower to blast the thoughts out of my head and clear my mind for the journey ahead. I quickly dried and dressed and made us both breakfast complete with some daisies from our garden. God I was such a sap! But apparently Mike finds that quality cute so who am I to argue? I put the food onto a tray and carried it quietly to our bedroom. I really wanted to just watch Mike sleep but I also needed his comfort too to quell my fears about my impending appointment with doom. I didn't realize how late it was in the day so any ideas I had to "wake" him up would have to wait a while. Still, a little tongue bath couldn't hurt? I set the tray on our dresser and made my way over to his sleeping form and gently lowered myself onto the bed. He shifted slightly but then settled and I started to suckle on his earlobe. Every part of him seemed to have a taste all of it's own. I nuzzled my lips along the hollow of his neck and unable to help myself I lightly touched his shoulders and back with my hands. It didn't matter how many times a day I saw Mike; I just couldn't get enough of him. I finally knew what it was like to love someone with everything that was in me and to have them love me back warts and all. It still took my breath away and made my heart almost ache with the intensity of it all. I slid the sheet so it was completely off his body and licked and sucked my way to the top of his ass, then I moved my body to cover his and laced our fingers together. I hadn't known I was crying until I head Mike mumble something about a wet ear. I quickly wiped the wetness from my cheeks and turned my head. Mike was now fully awake and rolled around underneath me until we were facing each other. His eyes registered his concern. "Baby? What's wrong? What is it?" He truly hated to see me upset in any way and would always try to fix things, but there are some things that you just can't. I shook my head slightly and buried my head into his shoulder just hoping he would let it go but he loved me and according to him it was his job to heal me in any way that he could. "Come on, tell me...Please?" I could not deny him. I sighed heavily and spoke the thing out loud that I was most afraid to say. "I did it. I have an appointment today. At 2.30pm. With a..You know..A therapist." The lump of terror in my throat prevented any more words. God help me. Mike knew the enormity of this statement and wrapped me up tightly, rubbing my back with his beautiful hands, trying hard to make it ok. Before any more tears could fall I cleared my throat and moved to get the tray of food I had prepared. "Ta-da!" I beamed at Mike as his eyes widened with delight. All his favorites plus flowers. He loved my romantic side. He lent forward to sniff at the feast then proceeded to devour it with gusto. I joined in but tasted nothing. I made all the right noises and nodded my head in agreement with his assessment that it was great but I was lying. I had become so good that it scared me. Does it hurt? Nope. How are you doing? Great! Is everything ok? Fine thanks! I had tried to kill myself once. My mother had taken me to "see" someone but my mouth told lies and I couldn't do anything about it. There was a dirty black secret inside me that I was convinced everyone could see. I wondered if the ache would go away if only I could cut it out and bury it deep in the ground where so many of my other secrets had gone. I wasn't successful of course, one more thing to fail at but oh what attention it got me. So this is what I had to do to get someone to notice that I was dead inside. After that everyone treated me differently. People spoke in whispers and tiptoed around when what I really wanted was for someone to save me. "Babe? Where'd you go? I lost you for a minute." Mike's voice broke through and brought me back. "Nothing. Just thinking..You know about this afternoon. We haven't really talked about how we're going to do this. The thing is, I want you there but Mike there are some things...." My voice croaked into silence. There are some things what? That would make even the strongest stomach turn and roll. That when you hear the words you can't quite believe that that kind of evil is allowed to exist in the same world you live in? Mike took my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. Those eyes. Those eyes that looked at me with such compassion. "Let's not make any rules ok? We'll play it all by ear and see where it leads us. No matter what..You know I'm here." He lent in to take my lips with his and for a moment all was right with the world. * This is where I'm stopping for a minute....There is more coming but it's going to take a little while so please be patient with me. I haven't "gone" here for a while and I had forgotten how dark things get but keep reading because obviously things turn out ok. Also thank you to those who wrote messages about Sean. That means a great deal to me...bless you! Hugs Taylor. Wishful Thinking Ch. 04 First of all I am so very sorry that it has taken me soooo long to get this out to you all...My health is not fabulous and life has a bad habit of getting in the way. So here is the next part of my little story and I so hope that you all continue read this and then maybe reach a hand out to someone whom you know or maybe suspect has had a "tough" time of things. Blessings Taylor * Try as I may I couldn't stop time and it seemed to fly by because before I knew it we were on the way to my appointment. I let Mike drive because my brain was otherwise occupied with keeping my body from leaping out of the moving vehicle and running down the road like a mad man. Every now and then Mike would reach for my hand and gently rub my knuckles trying to convey comfort and his touch meant everything to me. A nasty little voice reminded me though that when he heard "everything" he would be too disgusted to touch me ever again and that would be something that I knew in my heart I just wouldn't survive. It could be the brightest, sunniest day ever; I could have given one of my patients the news that they were in remission but I felt like this rain cloud was following me wherever I went just waiting to drown me. No one knew it was there because if I kept moving and smiling surely I could fool them and I could fool myself into thinking that for one minute I could be just like them. The scenery passed by in a blur of color and all too soon we were pulling into the parking lot. Taking a deep trembling breath it took all my willpower to make my hand open the car door and if Mike hadn't been there holding my hand I would have spilled bonelessly to the ground. I glanced at Mike. "So...this is it then." I looked up at the benign brick building and wondered what tortures awaited me inside. Going inside we found the correct office on the directory and rode the elevator up to the third floor. Once again I turned to Mike for comfort and without saying a word he wrapped me in his arms. "You have to believe in me, in us..It's all going to be ok. I love you Taylor." I felt tears fill my eyes at those sweet words and kissed him hard on the lips. Taking his hand in mine we went inside. Dr Aimes offered his hand to shake and we all moved into his office. He took out a notebook and a small tape recorder. He must have noticed my nervous glance because he reassured me that it was to make sure he took accurate notes for my file. I had no idea where to begin or even what to say so I waited quietly for something to happen. "So Taylor why don't you tell me why you're here today. You told me over the phone that you had some things in your past that you felt were holding you back, so let's start there shall we?" He looked at me expectantly. I opened my mouth to start but he silenced me with a wave of his hand. Looking at Mike he said " Now I am sure you know that these times between all of us are confidential so I need your assurance that the things said in this room will go no further and if I ask you to leave you will do so without question." Mike's mouth dropped open at that and he looked like he was going to rip Dr Aimes a new one so I stepped in on his behalf. "Listen you can trust Mike because I do, with my life and if things get...well ugly then don't worry, he knows when to leave it to us..ok?" I took the small nod from Dr Aimes was a sign to begin once again but I still stumbled over the words. Talking about these kinds of details was one thing with Mike but this guy was a stranger, a qualified therapist but still a stranger. I ran my hands through my hair and looking at the carpet I started. "I was abused by my father from when I was eight until I was fifteen. It wasn't just sexual it was also I guess what you'd call mental torture. After a while the sex part became my normal life and I found ways to deal with it but it's the other stuff that still haunts me and I need you to help me to put this shit down and leave it behind once and for all." My breath came out in a rush and I felt the vomit rise to my throat but I choked it back and waited for a response. When there wasn't one I looked up, surprised. I expected to see disgust or sympathy but instead there was only compassion. He lent forward and looked straight at me. "Taylor I need you to be extremely honest with me now, have you ever tried to hurt yourself? Now or in the past? Because if you're having those kinds of thoughts I can give you some medication." I knew then instantly that I could trust him with my darkest secrets. "I did..try. But that was when I was still a kid and I haven't tried it again. To be perfectly frank when this is all over I may start thinking about it once more but I have Mike now, I'm not alone any more." I stood and lifted my shirt to display the deep scar in my chest. It hadn't been that hard or that painful. Just one hard push with a sharp knife and then a wonderful floating sensation. Dr Aimes made notes in his book and motioned for me to sit. "So how old were you when you tried that? And why then? What happened that made you really want to die?" He sat back and waited patiently. I shook my head slightly and stood to pace around the small office, which now felt like it was suffocating me. "I can't...I'm not sure I can tell you about that." I felt my head spin and I knew I had to sit down or fall down. Mike was instantly beside me and drew me back to his protective arms but I moved away and knelt in front of Dr Aimes. "Don't you see, if I tell you about that day then it will end me. The mountain that I have been holding back will come tumbling down and I will drown." Because my legs wouldn't hold my weight I stayed sitting on the floor. "What if I tell you all of this and I don't come back? Mike...there's Mike now and my patients..What will happen to everyone who depends on me to be there?" Dr Aimes moved to place a hand on my shoulder. "Now is not the time to be thinking about anyone but you Taylor. You need to be selfish in order to get through this. Listen I don't know the details but obviously what happened has changed who you are and there will be parts of your past that will always be with you but I can teach you how to take your power back. That's what abuse, any kind of abuse is all about, power. Someone looses some and someone takes it away from them. It's the control over another human being that creates the thrill and in the majority of cases it usually ends up in a death. So let's take baby steps ok? But we need to start somewhere..Your choice." I went back to sitting beside Mike because I needed his closeness. His hand rubbed my back and that gave me the courage to begin. "We had an old well in our back yard. Now I'm sure it wasn't that deep but it sure felt that way when he would put me in there. It was dark and always freezing cold and he would use it as extra punishment if I wasn't "good" or just simply because the son-of-a-bitch was evil. Just to spice things up he would catch snakes and often bugs and I would hear them moving around and they would crawl on me." I looked up at the ceiling, desperate for the strength to go on and actually surprised that I was still alive. I was told that if I shared our "little secret" to anyone, death would be swift and immediate and I had come to believe that with all of my heart. Maybe he was lying about other things too? "One night I had been down there for such a long time and the moon came out from behind some clouds. I made the mistake of opening my eyes and there were cockroaches everywhere. I remember screaming for so long that I guess I passed out because when I woke up I was laying in our backyard." I stood again and bolted from the room with my hand over my mouth searching desperately for the restroom. I heard the door open. "Taylor? Babe are you ok?" Mike asked quietly. I couldn't look at him. I felt dirty and used and ashamed. He reached to touch me but I went to the sink to wash my face and get rid of the bile that remained in my mouth. Mike's eyes darkened. "Taylor....Taylor I need you to look at me. Please?" I turned to look at him. That beautiful face that held nothing but love for me. I felt tears come to my eyes and trickle slowly down my cheeks. "Don't pull away from me, not now. I can't even begin to imagine the things that you've had to live with but no matter what I hear I will always love you. Do you hear me?" Mike took my face in his hands. "You are worthy of happiness and of being loved..so get used to it." Ahh that smile. I felt my own in response. I nodded silently, not capable of words and drew him in close feeling his warmth envelope me. "Ok..Let's go back in. Dr Aimes probably thinks I've bolted." Holding Mike's hand we went back and sat on the couch. I took another deep breath and began talking once more. "I have these..dreams. I'm walking towards our barn and I remember it had a bright red door. I can hear this sound..This gut-wrenching noise and I can feel my legs shake. I don't want to look inside but it's like my body has a will of it's own." I looked at Mike and he smiled, encouraging me to continue. " I see my hand reach out and slowly open the door and then...nothing. Everything goes black but when I wake, or when Mike wakes me I am screaming. So I know it's something awful but I've never seen what was in that barn. How do I get rid of that nightmare?" Dr Aimes was thoughtfully quiet for a moment. "Well it would seem to me that your mind has been quite kind to you by blocking this memory out but now it has surfaced and you need to deal with it. We can do something called regression therapy where I can send you back to that moment in time and help you figure out what it is that happened." His glance at the clock on the wall made me look too and I was startled to see over two hours had gone by. "Are you willing to keep coming here to see me? You've taken the first step and I hope you'll allow me to keep helping you in your journey Taylor." Mike and Dr Aimes looked at me expectantly. As freaked out as I was, I wanted so badly to live a relatively normal existence and Mike was more than worth any emotional pain I would endure. "Yes. I think I'd like that very much. Thank you Dr Aimes." Before leaving we scheduled another appointment and for the first time in so long I had hope that maybe I could get some peace. I felt lighter somehow and as Mike and I walked back to the car I was suddenly extremely horny. I grabbed Mike and shoved him hard against the car and plastered my lips over his. His gasp of surprise then need spurred me on but also I was keenly aware that we were out in plain sight. Unwilling to let Mike go but aching to have him make love to me, I moved to sit and when Mike joined me I leant in once more and gently nibbled his ear. "I have no idea what's going on right now but I need you..I can't wait until we get home..Please babe make love to me." My voice already harsh with desire and my wandering hands found him hard and ready for release. He was as turned on as I was and drew me in for a hard kiss. With both of us panting by now we searched the area for a deserted spot with no traffic and finally settled on what looked to be a factory that had long since been closed down and parked the car as far from the main road as we could get. Both of us were quite tall so maneuvering would be tricky but I was beyond caring. We moved to the back seat and I ripped Mike's shirt open and started to devour his hard nipples causing Mike to moan loudly. His hands found my back and pulled my shirt up and over my head. I loved the feeling of our skin rubbing together. Hot and masculine yet gentle. My head rolled back as Mike found my throat and his hands undid my jeans and his trembling fingers found my hard cock and rubbed it's head through my boxers. I nearly lost all control but I wanted him inside me so I moved away and stripped everything off...not caring if a passer-by witnessed our steamy lovemaking. Silencing Mike's protests with my lips, I removed his pants in one fluid movement and was treated to the sight of his glorious manhood leaking profusely which I cleaned off, reveling in his taste. I lent over the front seat to the glovebox and found our stash of condoms and lube. After one evening of passionate petting and then discovering we didn't have either which meant enduring a long drive home we had included those items to our 'car essentials." Tearing at the foil packet with my teeth and then rolling it over Mike's painfully hard cock, I squeezed extra lube over the condom then placing some on a couple of fingers I inserted both in my ass, gritting my teeth a little at the welcome invasion. When I was loose enough, I placed my legs on either side of Mike's thighs and slowly lowered myself onto him. I had to take it slow because I was so close to the edge already. Mike's breath was hot against my neck and his quiet mewling sounds were driving me crazy. "Taylor, I don't know how long I can take this. Please just sit for a minute. I want this to last." With those words I moved to take more of Mike but careful not to excite him further. We both moaned loudly as I took him completely then sat without moving. I wrapped my arms around Mike and drew him closer. Once again tears threatened and I felt so blessed to have him in my life. I took his face in my hands and placed gentle kisses on his cheeks and eyes then finally his lips. I started to rock my hips slowly, feeling Mike swell inside of me as his body responded to mine. His hand moved to touch me but I stopped him, wanting his arms around me too. I knew I wouldn't be long because that familiar sensation began to fill my being. I moved a little faster and felt Mike begin to tense. "God Taylor you feel so good....we feel so good. This is what home feels like..You know?" Mike's movements became erratic and I sped up taking us closer to the inevitable. "Mike come with me...come on baby." That was all we both needed as we plummeted then soared to the heavens. Each of us lost in the sensations assaulting our bodies. The smell of sweat and passion filled the car and we slowly came back to earth. Startled by an overwhelming wave of emotion I suddenly found myself bawling like a baby. Mike lent his head against mine and rubbed my back. "Ah babe it's ok...shhh..please don't." But those kind words only made me cry harder. I had never really just let loose before so I guess everything caught up with me at once. Mike rocked me and waited as the storm passed. Wiping my face on my discarded shirt I felt stupid and foolish. "I'm sorry I don't know what happened there. I just couldn't stop myself." My legs were starting to ache and I needed to pee. Mike held the condom in place as I eased myself off and moved to sit beside him. Placing the condom in a Kleenex and then into the trash bag we always kept in the car I looked around for any witnesses and seeing none I stood beside the car and peed like a racehorse. I sat beside Mike once more and he twined his fingers with mine. "Please don't apologize. If anyone deserves to loose control every once in a while it's you. The thing is..I haven't been through something like this with anyone let alone someone that means everything to me so I need your help. I need you to tell me when to let you be and when to step in and catch you ok." Mike suddenly looked very tired and my heart ached because I had caused that. "I know it's going to get hard and ugly and I also know that you can't quite let yourself believe that I will be here in the end..And that's ok...really it is. It makes me more determined to prove you wrong." He kissed the back of my hand. "Now let's get home and have a nice long shower and do some serious snuggling..what do you think about that handsome?" We dressed and began the drive home. The light at the end of the tunnel was still faint but at least it was still there. * The End...More to come....thanks for spending your time with me! Blessings Taylor. Wishful Thinking Ch. 05 Well I have to say that I am overwhelmed at such a response! I am still a little hesitant about sharing a story such as this because it is very personal and dark but I have received nothing but warm words from you all and I am so very glad that it has helped some of who have been through a life like mine and have arrived on the other side full of scars and battle weary to know that success and love are waiting for you...You just need to be courageous and reach for them! Blessings Taylor. Mike.. Taylor and I fell into a familiar routine of work and therapy. I saw some changes happening within Taylor such as a loss of appetite and the increasing frequency of his nightmares but I had been reassured by Dr Aimes that this kind of progression was "normal" and things would most likely get worse before they got better. My main concern of course though was the state of his mental health. Taylor was so very good and putting a happy mask on when underneath he continued to drown. He increased his hours at work and had taken up jogging to relax but having been on one of his little runs it was more like sprinting until he nearly collapsed in the vain effort to escape the darkness within. I was so desperate to help that I had a bad habit of pushing for him to talk to me. In constant fear of loosing him, I myself began to sleep less so I could catch him in the grip of his night terrors and wake him before his screaming woke the neighbors. During the day we were at opposite ends of the hospital and so I would text him every once in a while to which Taylor accused me of hovering. I felt helpless and angry because this was all new territory for me, for us and I was beginning to have my doubts about making it through. Taylor was still understandably reluctant to try the regression therapy because he was terrified of loosing his mind and spending the rest of his life in some institution. We have had long and heated discussions on the subject because it was the only way to go forward but it was so incredibly risky. Taylor also seemed reluctant for me to touch him. It was like he thought that he was now unworthy or disgusting. Even a small touch to his hand or shoulder made him flinch and then blush because he realized what he had done then proceeded to apologize which only made me feel worse. I felt like tearing my hair out with pure frustration. I knew that therapy was indeed warranted but all it had seemed to accomplish was drag up things that had now made both of our lives a living nightmare. I tried so hard not to get mad at Taylor when he would remind me that I could leave if it was all getting too much. I told him to give me some credit and that I wasn't going to be a coward and just walk away. One evening tucked up in bed, we had been watching a storm brewing. Taylor had been very quiet all evening. Suddenly he sat up and looked at me then back at the storm. There was such a sadness and quiet determination in eyes that it broke my heart. "That storm is like us you know. All dark and turbulent with the power to destroy but maybe just underneath there's the hope of sunshine." Taylor turned completely around and took my hand in his. This was the first time in months that he had touched me voluntarily. I sat and waited. My heart pounding in my chest. Was this the end or a new beginning? "Mike I need to tell you how sorry I am...about all of this." He placed a finger to my lips when I started to say something. " I know that I haven't been handling things well and that I have been hurting you and that's the last thing I ever want to do. Please forgive me?" I felt tears come to my eyes. The last thing he should be doing is saying sorry. "Oh babe..please don't ever think you have anything to say sorry for. Listen neither of us is perfect and this is such new ground and yes it's true I have been feeling the distance between us but I am not about to walk away." I lent forward and took his beautiful face in my hands...waiting for him to draw back but he didn't. " Taylor I love you. Do you drive me nuts sometimes? Yes but I'm no saint either. We just need to keep being mindful of hurt feelings and keep talking to each other." I smiled and hoped that he could see my love for him. That he could trust that I wasn't going to let him down like so many others had. He drew my hands to his lips and kissed the tips gently then nipped at them causing a shiver to go through me. I warned myself to not get too carried away because things had started like this a few times then at the last minute Taylor seemed to go into himself and move away. He bent in to whisper in my ear with his hot breath. "Let me do this ok...I need to find my way home to you again." I was hard instantly with both intense love and desire. He thought he was the lucky one but in truth I had finally found my safe place to fall. Taylor took things at a maddeningly slow pace but I let him have the lead. He pushed at me so I sank back against the pillows. His eyes darkened and his lips parted and it was all I could do to not take him then and there. His hands ran softy over my chest stopping to tease my nipples into hard peaks. I felt his hands run over my torso and trace the shape of my navel then his lips followed. I gently caressed his neck and hair relishing the feeling of his mouth on my body. He knew me so well and it took all of my willpower to be still. His strong hands rubbed my thigh muscles then slid under me to rub my ass. My voice found a life of it's own and my satisfaction rumbled deep in my chest. His eyes found mine and there it was...the first real smile I had seen in such a long time. By now we were both very turned on, hard and leaking copious amounts of pre cum. Taylor knelt between my legs and nuzzled his way up to my now aching cock. He knew every crevice, every valley and traced them all with his tongue. I heard his small laugh as I moaned loudly and rose to meet his lips. All at once I was enveloped in his warm wet mouth and I struggled with my control. His hands found mine and we wound or fingers together...linked once again. His tongue swirled against my hardness as his mouth slid the length of me taking me deep into his throat. This was all going to be over too soon and I hoped he would not be angry with me but I pushed at him gently and drew his body against mine. "I know I said I would let you take the lead but Taylor I need to taste you. I need.." My voice raspy with desire silenced with a passionate kiss. I hugged him tightly to me. This is what we needed. More than just sex, more than pleasuring each other. We needed to become "us" again. I felt his hard cock rubbing against mine and we were both so slick that there was no uncomfortable friction just a delicious heat. "Please Taylor let's just kiss and touch..we know what's going to happen if we keep doing just what we are now. I need your weight on me." Taylor nodded silently knowing what I wanted and moved to take my mouth again. I ran my hands up his back feeling his muscles move and contract with my touch. Our movements against each other became more frantic and I pushed his ass down so we were meshed together. I heard his small whimpers and quiet moans against my lips and knew our climax was only seconds away. I opened my legs wide and wrapped them around his thighs and felt him slip down between my ass cheeks. By now we had become rutting animals. Lost in a world of overwhelming sensations. "Mike I can't hold on anymore. I'm going to loose it." Taylor's voice came out in a rush and his teeth caught at his full bottom lip a sure sign to me that he was going to come. I smothered his face with kisses and pushed harder against him. I could feel my body tense and tighten. "Let go baby..it's ok. Let go. Taylor God I love you." We kissed hard then the world blew away. Both of us declaring to the universe that ours was a love that nothing could shake. Slowly Taylor raised his eyes to mine. His chest still flushed and his heart beating fast against mine. " I needed that so badly Mike..thank you. I love you so much. I know I can count on you." My face split into a huge smile. Finally he had voiced the one thing I had wanted him to say. He knew I would be there, that he could trust me not to run away. Taylor went to move off me but I held him close. "No..just stay here like this. Stay with me Taylor." I was not just asking him in the physical sense but also wanting him to always stay with me in his heart. He knew what I meant and I saw the courage in his face. Laying his body on mine he had silently agreed to commit to the future. We had an appointment with Dr Aimes in the morning and even though nothing was said it weighed heavily on us both. These sessions were exhausting and left us both drained but every small step no matter how painful was a necessary evil towards Taylor getting his life and his power back. His body had become very heavy and his breathing evened out so I knew he had fallen asleep. I kissed the top of his head and thanked God once again for letting us find each other. I was doing that a lot lately, thanking the powers that be for the miracle of us. I hoped that tonight would be a peaceful one but more often than not it was punctuated with one of Taylor's nightmares but tomorrow was another day full of possibility. Taylor and Mike... I woke with Mike still holding me and the sun streaming through the curtains. No matter transpired today at least it had started off right. Poor Mike. I had put him through so much and still he plodded along beside me his unwillingness to not give up on us sometimes the only thing that held us together. We had both needed last night so badly to close the distance and heal some of the hurt that we had inflicted on each other. I gently disengaged myself and went to have a hot cleansing shower. As usual on the mornings of my appointments with Dr Aimes I felt restless and full of nervous energy because each time we uncovered some new horror or level of depravity and I was unsure just how much my mind could take before it went on permanent vacation. I heard Mike moving around then the glorious smell of brewing coffee. I took some deep calming breaths and turned off the shower. As I dried and dressed I quietly chanted what had become my saving mantra. "I can survive this. I can survive this." I heard the shower stop and Taylor getting dressed. I hurried to make the coffee, our only breakfast on session mornings. We both declined to eat because of nervous stomachs so it became an unspoken rule between us. Neither would admonish the other for not starting the day with something more substantial than coffee. Strong arms went around me and I lent back against Taylor. He smelt wonderful and as much as I would have loved to repeat our performance of last night I needed a shower too and the small time apart allowed each of us to mentally prepare for the day ahead. I turned to plant a kiss on his delectable lips then moved to the bathroom taking my coffee with me. Did you ever notice that when there is something unpleasureable scheduled the time just seems to fly by? I never seemed to get enough time to charge myself up for the therapy sessions and I knew that Taylor would often love to not go at all but he never said anything. I could read his body language like a book. Shoulders and back straight and tense. Mouth set with grim determination, eyes just waiting for the pain to hit and driving there his body became it's own instrument of tapping and fidgeting. Arriving at Dr Aime's office we were so familiar now that knocking wasn't necessary and the receptionist greeted us with a smile not bothering to point the way. Dr Aimes started the day with a whammy. "Taylor tell me where your mother was in all of this." After dropping that bombshell he sat back and waiting patiently for Taylor to answer. I could see the internal struggle going on and it hurt me so badly but I knew all I could do was wait too. Taylor... I heard Dr Aime's question but I did my best to avoid answering it for as long as I could. That was the question wasn't it? Even with everything that my father had done to me at least maybe there was a reason like insanity but what was my mother's defense? That was the greatest betrayal of all. I turned to see two pairs of eyes watching me. Dr Aimes gauging my response and Mike's full of love and compassion. "That's something I don't let myself think about. But what if....what if she knew and..." I struggled to voice my agony over my mother's lack of response to the abuse of her child. I stood and stared out the window. "What if she knew and she didn't care enough about me to stop it? What does that make her?" Suddenly I was filled with a rage that threatened to overtake me. My hands curled into fists and I longed to hurt someone until they hurt as much as I did. The another question came to mind. "What if...she was so wrapped up in herself that she chose not to see? But isn't being a mother all about loving someone else more than yourself? Wasn't I enough for her?" I begged Dr Aimes with my questions to bring some understanding, some sense of relief but there was none. "Taylor I know you have heard this before but this is something that is just as important as getting your life back. You need to believe with all of you that nothing you ever did or have ever done makes you responsible for their behavior." Dr Aimes rose to join me at the window. "You didn't deserve or bring any of this on yourself. It sucks I know..and it's not fair. You just happened to be the poor kid that got really bad parents." His hand rested on my shoulder. I felt the air go out of the room and I suddenly felt very old and very tired. "Have you made a decision on my regressive therapy idea? I know you're scared about the possible outcome but I truly believe that it can be a useful tool in helping you." Mike stood too and took my hand in his. He had been so patient with me. Never pushing me to jump either way but I knew that he too felt it was a good idea. I wanted badly to please them both but fear held me fast. "Could I have until our next session to make my decision? I know I'm making excuses..reasons to put this off but I need more time." I saw disappointment but I also saw understanding. Ok Dr Aimes said. He would give me until next week then it was sink or swim time. Mike and I left that day with a new understanding about how an abused mind compensates for the lack of everything. I had always thought that the choices I made were mine alone but nearly all of them were colored by my past and my desperate search for belonging. Dr Aimes told me that I needed to be my own savior, my own hero. That I needed to create a "new" me. Someone who was strong and had control over their life. "I know this is all new to you Taylor but you finally get to write your own story. You need to leap into this new world with a sense of purpose. You get to decide...You." Those were powerful words for me. No one had ever asked my opinion in anything. Until of course Mike came along. But what I had learnt too was that if you have never had the opportunity to make choices in your life, if you've never had that example set for you then how do you know which is the right path to take? I felt like an infant again. Learning to walk, talk, feed myself. I was on sensory overload and it both frightened and excited me. Mike and Taylor. I looked over at Taylor trying to figure out what he was thinking. He hadn't said a word since leaving Dr Aimes. Each time we learnt something new about his past I was constantly amazed that here he was....operating, functioning, walking around in the world. The thoughts and questions that must torment him every waking moment. I understood now why victims of abuse develop alternate personalities. They need to in order to survive. So why hadn't Taylor? Dr Aimes had explained this by saying that Taylor had simply cut that part away. It was tucked away so tightly that those thoughts and questions I worried about weren't a part of his reality. "If the things that you worry about with Taylor actually flooded his thoughts then he really would be in an institution somewhere or he would have ended his life by now. That's why we need to do this one small step at a time." Dr Aimes had said. "It would be like the breaking of a dam...everything in the path of the water would be destroyed." "Hey babe?" Taylor's voice brought me back. "Could we stop by the beach on the way home? I think I am need of some fresh air." So for the rest of the afternoon that's what we did. Walked by the ocean enjoying the sun and the smell of the saltwater. From an outsiders perspective I know we looked like any other couple in love and right now my one wish was that when all of this was over, that's exactly how it would be...normal. Ok that's it for now.... Blessings Taylor.