11 comments/ 9205 views/ 6 favorites What'll I Do? Ch. 01 By: leroyNYC "That's it! This is the last time I am ever going to fall in love." The moment those words left my mouth, I found myself in a dark space. A space that was distant and remote, away from the voices, away from the stories that encouraged hope.' 'There he was, on OUR bed, fucking some fit young guy.' The image was too vivid, too visceral, too intense, too much. After a few screams, bottles of Vodka, crying on my sister's shoulder, Jacob, my lover of three years left me to pursue his career in a different country. 'Who am I kidding?' In short, he wanted to live his own life without me in his horizon. Actually, he wanted to live his new life with that same guy he met at his office, the same man he brought to our home and to our bed! 'The guy looked like a reject from a British boy band.' I mean we were in our mid thirties. Did he want o feel young again? Did he just go out there to have an affair with the boy band clone while we were still living together. 'The cheating I could handle.' But, rejection could not get any worse than this. 'So, how am I going to bounce back from this recent emotional mess?' The dark space seemed less threatening and over time the darkness would become a companion. I would go to work five days a week, sometimes six. Late nights at the law firm, take out food, mindless chatter with other clerks. At least, the work filled my head with useless information, and it kept me from descending further into the dark space. I had my own apartment, a good job, a caring group of family and friends. Life seemed perfect except my heart was broken into pieces. The difficult part this time was that some of the pieces were gone. I knew that when he left, I would never be the same. 'Is anyone ever the same after a break up? ' 'Is anyone after being abandoned and rejected by a lover ever considered himself or herself whole?' It was one of those evenings, I found myself at the neighborhood used bookstore looking for something. At times I would find myself glancing at a cute guy across the room or glare at the arrogant and rude customer with fashion magazines in tow, exhaled a demeaning sigh towards the cashier. I went back to looking for that elusive book, the one that will successfully distract me from getting more depressed. "Hi Nate." A voice from behind tapped my shoulder. I turn around. Alex. A former boyfriend. He and I went out for a couple of months when he arrived in the city 14 years ago. We exchanged pleasantries. Our break up was amicable and to be honest, our relationship was nothing more than just physical exploration. Alex had just come out after graduating from NYU and I was fresh out of law school. We were both young, cute, energetic and we loved to dance all night long. "I heard that Matt and you got married?" I asked in order to avoid the awkward silence that was growing. "Yeah, it was kind of crazy and fast. We were in Bermuda and he proposed. I didn't see it coming," he proudly replied by showing off his Tiffany wedding band. "How nice, I'm happy for you," I replied out of courtesy. "How about you? Are you still with Jacob?" Alex politely asked. "No, we broke up recently. He's living in London now," I courageously replied, withholding the tears that were ready to erupt from my eyes. Silence. "Do you want to go out for a drink? Do you want to talk about it?" Alex kindly offered. In his own way, Alex was a great guy, caring, considerate and was an amazing lover. But, it was his ability to listen that puts him above all the others I have dated, slept and lived with. It makes sense that he works as social worker for the city. "Thank you, but, no I'm okay." I lied. After a few more laughs and gossip, Alex made his way to the cash and left. I continued to sift through the shelves, now sinking deeper into the darkness that was about to consume me. ** On my way home I thought 'I could call one of my former fuck buddies for a quickie.' It wasn't hesitation rather it was frustration. I wasn't even horny. Pieces of my heart were gone, but did my libido have to go missing as well? I ordered some Chinese take out and headed for home. My mobile phone rang. Nathanael S. Memories flashed through my mind. I threw most of his stuff out and took some of his clothes to Goodwill, but I couldn't find myself to delete his number. I stood there on the corner of 6th Ave and 12th Street looking at my damn phone. What am I going to do? What'll I Do? Ch. 02 Thank you for reading the first part. I made this part a bit longer. The hot sex is coming. Please be patient. Thank you again for reading. _________________ First Ring. Was it karma that my ex-boyfriend, the one before Jacob, is calling me now? Nathanael S., the man that I left behind to be with Jacob. Nathanael and I have not talked since I broke up with him three years ago. 'What does he want?' I thought to myself. I am certain he's heard of my break up with Jacob. My paranoia hits me 'maybe he's calling to gloat.' 'But that's not his personality.' Second Ring. A tsunami of emotions and memories came flooding into my already confused and partly beaten mind. There was that time in Vermont, the hot passionate lovemaking in his sister's cabin. I think it was the only time he and I managed to orgasm so many times that we had convinced ourselves to have Annie Proulx write about us as a sequel to her Brokeback Mountain. The sex was not just amazing, it was heavenly, the only thing broken were our backs. I smiled. There was that time when we fought about getting a dog. I wanted a huge german shephered. He wanted dachshund. We did not talk to each other for over a week. He got the dachshund. I grinned. There was that time in Santorini. We've been living together for over a year and we thought we could spice things up by hooking up with a greek sailor! We didn't have a Grecian God, but we definitely settled for a hot Moroccan college student. That was one hell of an adventure. I licked my lips. Then there was that time in.... Third ring. "Hello." I answer with caution, with trepidation, with guilt. "Hi Nate." Yes, the confusion starts here. We actually have almost similar names. I'm Nate, just Nate. He's Nathanael. He goes by "Thanael." (Than-yael) We were a good couple. Damn it! We were perfect. "How have you been?" I asked politely. "Not good. Tristan as at the vet and they're putting him down." He sounded tired. Yes, he kept the dog. While I was not against him doing so, but I did miss the dachshund. "Oh, that's, um... I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?" "I'm at the vet and if you want say goodbye, I think I'd appreciate... I meant Tristan would appreciate the gesture. I'll text you the address if you want?" "Sure. Yeah, listen, I'm sorry." I was not even sure what I was apologizing for. Could this get any more awkward? "Listen, I gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow. 'k." He sounded desperate. "Yes, I'll be there. Take it easy, alright." We hang up. Moments later I received the address of the vet in Brooklyn. I continued to walk home, which was not far from the very corner I stood, now that I am suddenly reminded, the very corner that I kissed Nathanael on our first date years ago. Apart from my sad feelings about our dying dog, yes I said "OUR!", I have not recovered from the guilt that ensued after our break up, a painful one, especially for Nathanael since he had given up his apartment to move in with me. And I was the one who eventually threw him out, so I could go pursue my love affair with Jacob. If this was not karma or fate, then I do not know what it is? It doesn't help being a lapsed Christian, but it felt close to hell. The first thoughts to arrive in my mind as I entered my apartment, 'who am I to get pissy about Jacob, when I did the same thing to Nathanael?' The man who proposed to me, only to be denied happiness a couple of weeks later because I was too insecure to find and recognize joy on my side of the fence. I could only realize now that the grass was greener on the side that I left behind. * After an evening of Chinese food, and watching the first season of The Big C, and after cleaning up the tissues filled with tears and crap. I decided to go to bed. It was one of those nights when a nice glass of bourbon could help calm the nerves and emotions. 3am. 'Who could be knocking at this time?' I stumbled out of bed in my boxer shorts. I look through the peephole. Nathanael. And he looks miserable. I open the door and before I could say anything.... "He's gone, Tristan's gone." He sobbed. I meet him with a compassionate embrace. I could not help but feel some of the sadness. Afterall, we did raise that dog together. I led him into the living room. I handed him a glass of bourbon. I got hooked on bourbon because of Thanael. He looked at me. We found ourselves gazing in each other's eyes, searching for answers or searching for the questions that both of us never dared to ask. "I'm sorry." It was all I could say. We sat there for about an hour. We had finished the bottle of bourbon. He gets up. His eyes red. "I'm sorry to disturb you. You know that I rarely breakdown like this." I know and he was right. As a lawyer, he was known for his stoic demeanor in court and in the firm. I reached for his hand. Surprised by my physical outreach, he could only look at me. Those same eyes that looked at me when I broke things off with him. When I broke us. "I understand and if you want, you can stay." I offered shyly. He stood there speechless. Probably thinking of what to do. Oh yes. He was thinking. I know that look. As he continued to think, I pulled him to my room. I took of his shirt and trousers. I tucked him under the covers. He closed his eyes. He was asleep in no time. I took the extra blanket from under the bed and was about to walk out when... "You can stay here, it is your bed." He said with a sleep-ish grin. "I know. But it's best that you get some rest. We have an intense day tomorrow, which is today, which...." I started to babble. I kissed his forehead. The couch would be fine for tonight. * So is it fate that I would find my former lover, the one I truly loved, more than I loved Jacob, to find him back in my apartment, and in my bed. The very bed that have brought both joyful and sorrowful events in my life! 'I should think of getting a new bed.' I thought before getting out of the couch. I smell coffee. I walked to my room and there was someone in my bathroom. Someone was using my shower. Only then that reality hit my being. Nathanael was taking a shower in my bathroom. Then it all came back to me. I entered the bathroom. There, on the other side of the sliding glass, Nathanael's olive skin toned body. He is after all a runner, a fine man in his late thirties. He was handsome, cultured, educated and loved to travel. He was the only man I knew who had traveled to more countries than me. But gawking at the glorious morning scenery stopped when... "When you're done looking, could you pass me a towel please." He asked with a smile. I came back to my senses, and most likely turned red out of embarrassment. I grabbed a towel from the closet. Why was I feeling shy around him? I mean, my god, we made love practically on every surface of this apartment, not counting all the hot sex we had in this bathroom. "Shower's done, do you want me to leave it on for you?" I gaze at his eyes distracted. He walked closer. I froze. He kissed my forehead. "Thanks for letting me stay last night. I really appreciate it." I only nodded my head in response and withheld the tears behind my eyes. He cups his hands around my face. We gaze at each other. What will we do next? What'll I Do? Ch. 03 Chapter 3 'Was it a dream?' Thanael cupping my face, both of us gazing into each other's eyes... 'Was it a fucking dream?' The past unravelling into the present... and the future tastes more uncertain this morning. This is not just about having the possibility of living out of love or desiring for forgiveness from the man whose heart I tore up to pieces. 'This is about--' I knew that Thanael forgave me, but it was my inability to forgive myself that kept eating away my hope for love. Instead, I fell into the dark path of maintaining an illusion. I liked Jacob, but I knew that I did not love him nor he felt the same way. Jacob was the "fear" and regret that I could not articulate with my lover, my former lover Thanael, who after 3 years, was so close to me again. While he held my face, I know that in some way I would be able to accept Thanael's caution, hesitation and rejection. I would never blame him for doing so. 'Who am I kidding? I've been such a wreck since my mistake.' After Thanael and I parted from the vet, I went straight home. Sleeping in the couch was not comfortable, so I crawled into bed, the same bed that Thanael slept in. His smell, his musk, his warmth, the memories of the past: the way we stared into each other while we came and orgasmed. We made love practically every day during our first year of living together. We were saturated in each others energy. The way we embraced each other during the winter months and the way we slept far enough from each other, but not too far so we would not fall out of bed because we had a fight. Even then, we could not stand being apart from each other. It me sick to be away from him. The way he told me that he loved me.... and I ran away from all of it, from him. 'Self pity makes a good co-dependent companion in the dark space.' Could not help myself while surrounded by my own guilt and shame, I took shelter under the covers. I took shelter from the cruelty of my own actions, from my own illusion and took shelter into the residue of Thanael's presence. I sank deeper into depression later that day. I've already had to say goodbye to Tristan, "our" dog. And I may just have to accept the fact that the recent episode with Thanael was nothing but a reminder of what I gave up, something destroyed and something I could never have again with him. * I spent the next week at work, a heavier week than usual, not surprisingly since my weekend was a complete emotional whirlwind. "Nate, you have a call on line 3." Annette my secretary alerted me as I just came out of a meeting. "I need to get some coffee first." I responded lightly. "Honey, you'll need more than coffee to deal with who's on line 3, I suggest you get in there and shut the door." Annette commanded. Annette was 59, a single mother of 4, a widow and one hell of legal assistant! She's seen lawyers come and go through these halls for 30 years. Some come back and some leave with nothing but tears or at least a taxi ride to the closest therapist or psychiatric ward. Since I started at the firm, she took me under wing because she thought that I needed discipline and some insight. Her instincts were right. I was a bit too idealistic. If I recall correctly, "sweetie, you need to stop living in your illusions and to stop looking for the truth, but keep looking for how the truth reveals itself to you," she claimed prophetically. But since I broke it off with Thanael, she's been distant, more formal than usual, but never reduced the level of her stern, direct and no-non-sense attitude. She did slap me in front of my department head when she found out about the break up. I stared at the blinking light. Blink. Blink. "Please answer line 3, so I can go on my break!" Annette announced. "Hello." "Hi, Nate. I just want to say thank you for being supportive last week." "Yeah, you're welcome, my pleasure. It was the least I could do. After all, I fucked up--" "Nate, I just want to say thank you. I understand that we had issues, but I just want to express my gratitude, not hear about your self-pity." 'There it was. The slap on the face that I needed.' A moment of silence. "Nate? I'm sorry, I should not have," he tried to apologize. "Thanael, it's okay. I deserve it. It's about time that I heard it and I am glad that it came from you." "Listen, there's a position that just opened up here at my firm, would you be interested in coming in for an interview?" "Really, I mean yes, that would be great. I mean how? Why?" The prospect of being in the same firm, being in the same space with Thanael would be great. It would be a dream come true. "Well one of our junior associates is being promoted and I recommended you." "Yeah, sure that would be great." I was in heaven. "My secretary will forward the details to Annette and someone from HR will call you back to set up the appointment." 'Was this it? Was this Thanael's way of coming back into my life? Has he forgiven me?' I thought. And I thought about many things during the week. I was not looking for a job, but the change was welcomed. Thanael's firm was much larger and the benefits were better. I was saddened by the thought of possibly leaving Annette and a few of my friends from the firm. But the prospect of being close to Thanael again was far too big of a chance for me to let go. In retrospect, I never really did let go or got over him. And now, could it be that he is also trying to reach out? Two Weeks Later. "Thank you Nate, that was a very good interview and we are really interested in the kind of talent and expertise that you can offer to our firm," Mr. Hendrickson exclaimed. He is one of the Senior Associates and one of the four lawyers to finance the firm during its early years. "Thank you very much. I am glad that the interview flowed well and the conversation about your firm's stand on human rights and international law was definitely animated." I was wet inside my blazer. I was nervous as hell. This was worst than my bar exam! "Hey! I heard the interview went well." Thanael came by the conference room. I must have blushed when I caught him looking at me. "Yes, he did. We'll have our decision within two weeks. We are sad that we are losing our dear Nathanael here own to our London Office, but the possibility of having you join the firm is also exciting. I have to go to another meeting gentlemen. It was a pleasure meeting with you Nate." Hendrickson shook my hand and left us. "You're moving to London?" I asked with tears withheld. What'll I Do? Ch. 04 Merry Christmas from Tahiti! Thank you again for reading and please keep writing the comments. -L *** I was not sure what happened. I woke up in Thanael's office. "Are you okay?" a voice asked. I looked up, it was Thanael. "What happened? Did I get the job?" At least I remembered some of the interview. "Well, you fainted. You got me worried there." "Well...what!? I fainted? How embarrassing. Wait, you're moving to London!" Suddenly, it all came back. How could I be so sentimental to assume that Thanael would take me back. "I'm sorry, I did not intend for you to find out about it this way," he blushed. "And I swear I did not mean to hurt you." "Thanael, I know that there is no bone in your body that is cruel or cold. You're a good lawyer because of your heart. And I screwed that heart because I am nothing but a whore, a selfish man." "Nate, you're not a whore. And, I do know that you've been recently dealing with a break up." Boy did that comment sting! I could only close my eyes. "I could take the fact that we are no longer together, but you... leaving, being that far...." I started to cry. "I am so sorry. Please forgive me... Please don't--" "I have never seen you like this Nate. Do you realize what you are saying? Nate Thompson asking for forgiveness! After all this time you ask me to forgive you? You broke my fucking heart, you broke us!" He was yelling. After taking a deep breath to calm himself, "I recommended you for the job because you are the next best guy for it. I was not doing it to get us back together, but I did it because I still care for you. And I also did it to take care of me. I need to move on, I need to leave this place. Every corner I turn there's a fear that I would see you and no matter what I do... I fear that I would crumble to pieces. It hurts too much Nate. And it's time we've both moved on from each other." Every word carved into my heart. The scars would last. I left his office. There was nothing else to say. * 2 months later.... I did not take the offer from Thanael's firm. I would spend the next few months working more hours than usual. Annette was supportive. I told her what happened. She was silent most of the time. I knew that she wanted to give me a hard time, but her instincts told her otherwise. We have been working on a difficult and disturbing case and I've been staying in the office late every night. Annette peeked in, "honey, you better get home before that snow storm traps you in here." "Just one more hour." I responded while I kept staring at my computer screen. She approached my desk and handed me an envelope, "open it." "What? Please tell me it's not another last minute shit from the Meyer's firm?" (the other firm) "Open it," she commanded. It was a plane ticket.... "To London! But why and no I can't take this, I won't!" "You need to go there and risk your heart to him.... it is the only way you will both move on from each other." She added. "What do you mean? How can I move on if I was to go there and meet him? Isn't the point of moving on is to not see each other?" I loved contesting her logic. "Honey, there's no logic here, but you still love him and he still loves you. You screwed up and you did not give 'him' the chance to decide on anything. You just threw him out on the street and you shacked up with that nasty rude pathetic excuse for a boyfriend. If you love him you will risk your heart and everything else... even if it means that you may never get back together." Annette was right. I did not go home that night. There was no way I was going to sleep after that pep talk. ** "What the fuck!" I woke up. I was asleep on the couch in my office. I felt a very cold spray of water on my face. "There's coffee, a croissant and a fresh set of clothes on your desk, and your 9am appointment is waiting." Annette was the best, but she was also hard and not a morning person. Rumors say that she used to temp for a convent school. I'm not surprised. After another whole day of work, I went home and thought about the plane ticket. Then I realized that the flight leaves in 4 hours. 'Do I go? Do I not go? Why am I doing this? Thanael will think I've gone insane and will charge me with harassment and stalking.' I spent the next hour pacing around the apartment thinking about what Annette said. Was she right? ** "Flight 231 British Airways is now boarding. We would like to call our business class passengers to please proceed to gate 12. Thank You." There I was with my guts tied in every possible knot. Risking every ounce of pride, guilt and shame... risking all of my being for the man I love, and the man that I also hurt. If there was a time to trust the uncertainty of tomorrow, this was it. 'Great... the only decent film on this flight was The End of the Affair. It was more than decent, gosh I've read Graham Greene since I was in college. The last thing I wanted was to be sitting in business class crying my eyes out and drinking all of the free liquor.' The best thing about red eye flights – apart from looking like a mess – I can immediately insert myself into the mourning routine and crash later in the evening. I feel asleep after watching the wretchedly emotional film. I checked into a hotel then made my way to Thanael's firm. In the cab, I thought about the many times he and I had travelled and stayed in London. His mother was part English and Jewish. The family kept their home in England and Thanael would come here when things got too rough back in New York. When things got too rough between us. He also had a habit of running away from our issues. Whereas, I had the habit of running to the closest bar and maybe hookup with some undergrad twink from Ohio. Thanael always came home. And when he did, we would always have the most amazing make-up sex. There was that one time: we fought about him representing his cousin's business when it was clear that the situation was tied to the mob. Thanael stayed in London for a week. I went to Los Angeles to be with my half brother. After one week, we were both at home immersed in silence while eating Chinese take out. The next thing you know.... I was on all fours, squirming and screaming. Thanael was rimming my hole till the the cows came home. He held my ass hostage. One finger. Two fingers. Three fingers. Four fingers. My eyes were rolling back and forth. He kept rimming me. I had enough! I turned around and gave him the most passionate kiss I've ever given anyone. It was deep. There was none of this tongue lashing eastern european gay porn kissing shit. It was deep. Each tongue thrust was intentional. We would occasionally look into each other's eyes. He asked me to lie on my back. He lifted my legs and proceeded to continue rimming me. My eyes were closed. He reached for a kiss. The next thing, he entered me with a gentle push. I received him with my well lubricated and relaxed hole. His cock glided in and out, gradually.... He increased the pace. He would completely take his cock out and then push it in. This made me gasp. I was breathless. The entire time we gazed at each other, anticipating each others' next move, intention and desire. I guess I realized much later, an hour later, an hour of having my ass fucked by a hungry lover, when he came, since he had not cum for a week, he flooded me with his seed, with his lust, with his love. "Sir, we've arrived." The cab driver announced. I woke up from my reverie. With a discernible erection showing through my trousers. "Thank you." I paid the man and walked into the building. I waited by the reception since it doesn't make sense to make an appointment while I intended to crash visit my ex-lover's office and tell him that I was sorry. Wait, I was not only sorry, but I would do anything to have him take me back. "Nate. What are you doing here?" There he was, dressed up in Zegna and looking polished, but his eyes looked tired and as if he, too, have been crying. "I need to talk to you," a nervous squeak came out of my mouth. "Okay, do you want to meet in my office or I was just on my way out if you want to go for a walk?" "Walking is good." I nodded my head. We walked in silence for 10 minutes. Then.... "I'm sorry for showing up like this. It was--" He interrupted, "I knew that you were coming. Annette sent me a note. And she also told me about how you felt about the job offer and my move to London." "I thought she was on my side, the bitch," I said. I needed a comic relief, so did Thanael. "It's so good to see you again. But, what you did and what happened between us, I just could not flush it out of my system. No matter how much I wanted to resent and hate you, I couldn't." He bowed his head. "That's the problem. You loved me too much. You should have hated me or had me killed by your mob connected cousin. And I took everything for granted and maybe I am here now because I probably somewhere deep in my subconscious, I still believe that you'd take me back. I'm really sorry and perhaps I just to have say the things I should have said when I hurt you. I do understand why you would want us to be this far apart. But, I want you to know that I still love you. And I took all of that for granted. And it is selfish of me to want all of this back as if nothing happened. I'm sorry." I was sobbing uncontrollably. Thanael reach and held my hand. We sat on the bench in a nearby park. The silence was thick with potential energy.