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Waves of Confusion Ch. 01

By: Riley_James



Author's Note: This is not a one-dimensional story, characters and plots take a while to develop. If you are looking for something for self-gratification, look elsewhere. Also, if you are not of age, please find more appropriate material to view. If scenes of homosexuality gross you out, what are you doing in the GAY MALE section anyway?

Julian Claymore made me so nervous. There he sat, not five feet away from me, with his long wavy hair pulled back in its everyday ponytail and his olive skin peeking out of a tight muscle tee. I tried not to look below his waist, but my eyes seemed to have magnets in them or some such strange affliction. His tan, taught surfer's body had always been a constant source of embarrassment for me in high school, sharing the same P.E. period, I did everything I could to stay away from him, but he always seemed to be there every time I was getting undressed or coming out of the showers. Sometimes, I wondered if the fates had meant for me to be totally humiliated in his presence, because inevitably I would always get wood when he was around. He was so cool... and gorgeous, but I couldn't get caught looking at him; not then and not now.

New Bransford High School was behind me now though. I was young and single and college was going to help me get through everything I had ever worried about being a teenager with a severe identity crisis. CU was the answer to my prayers. New school, new friends, new girls to look at...trying to find something interesting, no worries anymore. However, on the second day of my new life there sat Julian Claymore, his light brown, wavy hair semi-bleached from the summer sun, his skin glistening from his summer tan, his straight white teeth shinning out of his effervescent smile. What was I going to do? My Psych 101 professor had just assigned us study groups for the first quarter and whose name should be called in my group, but Julian fucking Claymore. God, I had so been looking forward to this class too. I wanted to major in psychology and this was the first step, but how could I keep my head together when this god was now sitting across from me.

The giggly girls in the group had gone around getting everyone's names, numbers and emails so that they could get in touch whenever they wanted to post a study time. When it came up to me, Julian spoke for me... "His name is Jody Larson, his number is 555-5587 and his email is Jodders06@..." 

"Oh," said one of the preppy-looking girls, hair bleached blonde and fake blue contacts shimmering in her eyes. "Do you guys know each other?"


I shook my head in the negative as Julian said "Sure, we went to New B together, huh Jody?"

"What, oh yeah, well...we don't really KNOW each other." Julian was eyeing me suspiciously. Why did I deny knowing him?

Technically, we didn't know each other, really. He was one of the most popular kids at New Bransford and I...well, I was just... Jody. I wrestled, I hung around with a small group of friends, mostly all bookworms and science nerds, I had a girlfriend my senior year, Julie. She went off to Stanford to study genetics and I...well, I went here, to the state university. Julian however had dated every cheerleader, beauty queen and drill team member worth their salt, none of them more than twice, I would say in my estimation...and I kept pretty good tabs on who he was with. I never talked to my friends about Julian either, I knew deep down that my obsession with him was unnatural, not normal, yes even gay, but hell if I was going to admit that to anyone. Except every once in a while when I was jacking off, Julie's face turned into Julian's and believe me he was a lot prettier.

"Uh...well we did go to the same high school," I stammered out in a squeak that put me right up there with the cast of "Revenge of the Nerds," glasses and all.

The "take-charge" girl had jotted all my information down from Julian and quickly moved on to the next person. Julian reached across the circle of people we were in, grasped my leg above my knee, and squeezed. "Relax Jodders, this is gonna be fun."

"Fun," I thought sickeningly. "Fun! I get to embarrass myself even more than I did in high school by sharing my psychological profile with you. My luck one of the questions will be about sexuality." I smiled a strained and eerie smile at him and looked away quickly before I did any more damage, but my stomach was already doing back flips against the bacon and eggs my mother had made me this morning. "Let me know when the first study session is, will ya," I queried the unofficial leader of our pack and she nodded back at me. 

"I was hoping to get started today though," she said. "There's still ten minutes left of lecture time." But I wasn't hanging around there for another minute longer. I had to get some fresh air or I was seriously going to hurl.

"I gotta go, sorry." And I quickly got to the door, only knocking one kid out of his chair on the way. I could hear giggling in my wake.

As I got to the quad, I finally slowed down some. I grabbed a bottle of water at the MU and sat in the sunshine of the warm September morning. I tried to gather my thoughts. Here I was trying to get my life together; I was happy and satisfied with everything that had happened to me since graduating from high school. It was perfectly fine with me to be a nobody in this big state school and what happens? The only guy to ever make me question my sexuality strolls right back into my life. I had to come up with a plan...maybe...oh, I know, I'll just find another teacher that has a Psych 101 class this quarter and I'll do a drop/add and everything will be fine. No more Julian, no more problems. I knew deep down I was kidding myself. More than likely, I'd see him around campus on occasion, but that I could deal with. A constant menu of M/W/F filled with Julian Claymore would definitely come under the category of "too much to handle."



†

"Poor Jody," I said to no one in particular. I'd reached my vehicle and was scavenging around for a CD to put in before I headed to the beach. James Blunt, oh yeah, that would definitely be the mood-setter I was looking for. That man was just too good looking for his own good. Too bad he was straight...oh well, doesn't mean I can't look. The drive out on the highway at this time of morning was light, the trucks had pretty much been through and the commuters were long gone. I almost had the road to myself. That's the way it would be at the beach, too and the way I liked it. Surfing was my therapy and the more open water I had the better it was for my soul. I felt like I was flying out there on the waves, reminded me of that scene in Titanic with Leo out there on the bow with his arms stretched wide. Here, I was king of the world. Well, my world anyway. 

There were a few people scattered around when I hit Verona, an old lady combing the beach for shells, a couple of homeless guys washing off in the surf. All the kids were back in school after Labor Day and I couldn't have been happier. I pulled my little Nissan truck into my favorite spot, the only one with a bit of shade from a growing palm and piled out, stripped down to my Speedo and grabbed my wetsuit from under the canvas tarp in the bed of my aging truck. As I was pulling on my suit and grabbing my board, I thought about Jody again. He was so uptight. I knew he was way into me, but there was no way he was admitting it to himself. Plus, he didn't know me away from school so there was no way he could know I was gay too. Sure, I did the whole "girl" thing in school, but hey, you do what you have to, don't you? If he had seen me here, with my buddies, he would have known for sure. I didn't hide who I was when I was at the beach, I couldn't. This was my spiritual place, my zone; nothing anyone said or did could affect me here. 

Strolling down the warm sand always got to me, made me feel complete again. I carried my board and my flipflops and stood watching the waves. Nothing brilliant today, but enough to get a good workout. I paddled out to the first rim, catching one or two small foamies on my way to the bigger waves, not worried about impressing anyone, just getting into my "zone" and wanting to ride a couple of half-way knarly ones before the tide was out completely. I managed to get in about an hour and half before things started to settle down. With the warm weather and calm skies, conditions were not ideal and I knew the waves wouldn't last, so I paddled back to shore and just sat for a while with my feet in the surf, watching the ocean and all its beauty.

Back at my car, I grabbed a towel after peeling down my suit to my waist and dried my hair and my chest. I stroked my pecs a couple of times and it started to feel sensual, so I decide to strip off and go lay out for a while. No one would be expecting me, the old man was deep into some contract he was negotiating and he barely knew whether I was there or not, unless I got into some beef and he had to leave his precious work and bail me out somewhere. Once the mat and the lotion were out and I had secured my board and my wetsuit back under the tarp in the bed of my truck, I headed back down the beach a little ways. Rolling the sweet smelling Hawaiian Tropic on my skin felt like basting some times and I thought momentarily about what the sun was doing to me. Oh well, I was young and healthy, we all die of something someday anyway and if mine was going to be skin cancer, then that was just what my karma was meant to be.

Lying in the midday sun was not advisable for people with fair skin, but my complexion was olive and I already had a deep base from three months of constant beach activity. I bundled the semi-wet towel under my head and lay back to enjoy the peace and quiet this stretch of beach afforded me today. Images of Jody swirled through my thoughts. I don't know why I was so caught up with him all of a sudden, except I knew what it was like to be where he was. At almost nineteen, I had been out to myself for ages. I think I was only twelve when I knew in my gut that it was a guy's cock and balls I was interested in, not a girl's boobs and pussy. I had heisted a copy of Hustler or something from my old man's room and as I flipped through the pages, my rampantly growing pre-teen hormones raged as I saw page after page of muscular guys, with ripped abs, pecs and huge, hard cocks, wet and shiny from precum, saliva and pussy juice. Yeah, they were fucking women, but I didn't care, it was their masculinity I hungered for. 

Jody had been in hiding not only from the outside world in high school but also from himself. I liked to tease him a little bit. I knew it was a rotten thing to do, especially when I so yearned to be friends with him and to develop that friendship into something more significant, but mostly I couldn't help myself. I'm a bit of an exhibitionist and I knew that Jody was always sneaking looks at me in the locker room. So, I made it a point to always be there when he expected me to, to be stripped and semi-hard in front of him. Of course that meant that I was also semi-hard in front of a whole class period full of adolescent boys who had nothing better to do than rag on someone for sporting wood, but hey even a good shower could give me a hard-on, so there was nothing they could say. And I caught more than a few of them taking a good long look themselves. I was pretty popular in school, so no one really ever gave me any grief. 

Now Jody was in my Psych 101 class...god, how advantageous was that. After all, I was free and Jody was just my type. Sweet smile, pretty, chocolate brown eyes hidden behind his geeky glasses, but pretty nonetheless and he looked like he was only about fifteen or sixteen. Okay, so yeah, a twink...but he was just what I wanted and when I wanted something, I usually got it. I wasn't conceited, more determined and I knew that Jody was going to be a challenge. Yeah, this was going to be a fun year. 


Since I was alone, I had no one to douse my back with lotion, so regretfully I returned to the parking lot and wiped myself down. I threw on a pair of board shorts, hopped in my banger of a truck, and hightailed it for the hills. My folks had been hippies in the sixties, well hippie kids at any rate and after their journey of self-discovery through whatever psychotropic substances they had enjoyed in their twenties, they settled down and started working in the "real world," they called it. My old man soon found himself in a position of importance and liked what it did for his bank account; he never turned back to his "spiritual" side and spent my entire childhood locked in his study or away on some business trip or another. Mom never quite shook the sixties mentality and pretty much let me do anything I wanted. When she got cervical cancer two years ago, I endured the hospital trips, the ugliness of chemo and radiation and sat with her while she deteriorated into nothingness. 

I guess I fell abandoned and lonely, although I tried not to stand still long enough for it to sink in very far. As I skidded to a stop in front of the five-car garage that my dad kept all his toys in, I tried my best to lay some tread on the pavement. It pissed my old man off something fierce and anything I could do to set him off, I did. I left my truck parked kiddy-corner to the garage and ambled into the house. Dad had hired a housekeeper when mom died and although she was nice enough, she wasn't my mom and I felt like she didn't belong in my house. They had both taken to leaving me notes pinned to a bulletin board on my bedroom door instead of actually trying to speak to me. There was a message on that pink "while you were out" paper saying that some girl named Amber Sholander had called and after a minute I remember that the super-organized girl from Psych class this morning was named Amber. I pulled it off the board, along with a note from the old man saying he had a dinner meeting tonight and wouldn't be home...again. After shutting and locking the door, I went into my room and dropped down in front of my computer. 

I wrote Jody a quick email to freak him out a little and as kind of an "ice-breaker," then surfed around looking at pictures of hot college guys getting off in their dorm rooms on this one pay site I subscribed to. This made me hot and horny and I quickly untied my boardies and let them slip to the floor. I watched as this blonde with a swimmers body and sun-bleached hair stroked his thin, cut member. As it started to leak, my tongue darted out and licked my lips automatically. I really needed to get laid. I had been satisfying myself since I broke up with Keith earlier in the summer. We had been doomed from the start, both of us beings tops, but he was sweet and we had known each other for a couple of years on the beach, so I gave it a try. I tried to imagine him going down on me, swirling his tongue around the plump head of my super-hard dick, but every time I closed my eyes, it was Jody's face I saw. However, in my fantasy, one I'd had many times in school, he wasn't wearing his glasses and his hair was all mussed up, not combed perfectly in a sideways part the way he always wore it. I moaned as my fist rubbed my frenulum and pulled it tight. I wasn't cut like most guys, my mom had been opposed to circumcision like anything else that wasn't completely natural, so when I jacked my cock, my biggest thrill came from moving my loose foreskin back and forth over the head and stretching it tight until it almost pinched a little bit. Oh man...so good. 

"Ah yeah Jody, suck my cock baby...you like it?...I knew you would, wiggle your tongue up under my skin, angel....that's it...oh yeah...tug it a little bit...oh my god Jody, yeah, I'm cumming all over your beautiful face, baby." I shot all over my stomach and chest. 



†



I managed to catch an uptown bus sometime before lunch. I had intended to stay on campus later than this, but the whole scene with Julian in Psych was more than I could handle. I had gone in to see my advisor about changing classes, but it was so flooded with freshmen like me who wanted to add or drop classes, I just signed up for an appointment instead. I guess it could wait one more day. Consequently, when I got home, nobody was there. Not that this bothered me, on the contrary, I needed some alone time, but it was weird to come home in the middle of the day and my mom not greet me at the door. 

I climbed the stairs to my room and after disentangling myself from my backpack, dropped onto my bed. I ran my fingers through my hair thinking about Julian again, subconsciously took my glasses off and set them on the bedside table. Before I knew what had happened it was hours later, the sun was sinking into the horizon and I was groggy and disoriented. I could hear my mom downstairs starting dinner, pots and pans rattling, the water turning on and off and the smell of garlic wafting up through the ventilation system. I reached down to scratch myself, continuing the age-old masculine rite and came back with a wet, sticky hand. Oh my god, how totally mortifying, eighteen years old and I had had a wet dream. I really should have known....I mean I woke up with the picture of Julian Claymore's cock in my mouth and it had been ages since I had jacked off, but how revolting, cum in my boxers and now my pants were wet too. The total embarrassment I felt at knowing that my mom would have to see my crusted over boxers and stained pants was almost more than I could bear. I was going to have to learn to do my own laundry...and soon.

I pulled myself up from the mattress, as if in a drugged stupor, grabbed a new pair of underwear and jeans and headed for the shower. I made sure the door latch locked and stood in front of the mirror over the sink. God, I was so pathetic. Who in their right mind was ever going to want to date me? Shaking myself out of my revere, I started the shower and waited for it to get warm. I shucked my dirty clothes and put them in the hamper, boxers inside the pants to conceal the evidence, maybe she'd never even know...yeah, right. My mom could find a bubble gum wrapper or loose coin at fifty paces. Oh well, what's one more thing to add to a lifetime of humiliation. 

As I stood in the stream of the shower, the water cascading down my shoulders and occasionally jumping to other parts of my body, I played devil's advocate for a moment....

What if Julian is gay? That would explain why he was always prancing around naked in the locker room in high school...and why he touched me today...and why he was looking so deep into my eyes. But, it's too much to ask for, isn't it? Besides, I'm not gay...well, okay, maybe I am, but he would never want a geek like me. 

I grabbed the watermelon body wash, mmmmm, my favorite smell and started to wash myself. Running my hands over my body had become an extension of my recent dream, the shower, Julian's naked body, the plump head of his cock evident behind his partially drawn back, oh so- intriguing foreskin in my mind's eye. I bent to wash behind my balls and run my finger over my asshole...oh man, that feels so nice. I toyed with it a little, slipping the small tip of my index finger just past the first ring of muscle. My right hand moved of its own volition and began the slow, rhythmic dance up and down my meager shaft. The aroma of the soap and the heat of the water were making all of this so sensual, so erotic. The thought of me on my knees in the boy's locker room at New Bransford High School, sucking that sexy stud's cock, was all it took. I blasted into outer space. Considering how much I'd cum during my dream, I didn't expect there to be much, but I shot six good streams of milky white jizz almost into my face. The rest of the shower was perfunctory at best. I was a bit unnerved by this whole day and thinking any more about Julian was just going to make it worse, I told myself.


Waves of Confusion Ch. 01



I dressed in the bathroom and combed my hair, parting it on the side, just as I always had. I walked back to my room by memory, having left my glasses on my nightstand. My mom called up the stairs to let me know dinner would be in about forty-five minutes. Plopping down on my bed, I grabbed my backpack and got the rather large book for Psych 101 out and started to leaf through it. Thinking that maybe that Amber girl might have been setting up study times already, I logged onto my computer and brought up my email. Bunch of junk, mostly...I could add inches to my cock, win a million dollars, increase my sex drive, improve my education through online courses....one email stuck out... "Hey Jodders" from surfpunk87@.... it was from Julian.

Why did he keep calling me that? Jodders was my mom's nickname for me and somehow my girlfriend Julie found out about it during our senior year. I absolutely hated it when she called me that, especially at school in front of everybody, but she though it was cute, endearing she told me. I looked at the email address about a zillion times. How did he get my email address in the first palce? I deleted all the trash, procrastinating a little at reading the message from Julian. Finally, it got the better of me.

To: Jodders06

From: surfpunk87

Subject: Hey Jodders

So, dude,

Psych was fun today, huh? Wow, get to delve into each other's most private thoughts...hmmmm.

I'm really glad you're in there with me; it will make the class so much better. 

Well, this Amber girl seems to have it goin' on... so I guess I'll see you at study group, huh? 

***hugs***

Jules

p.s. you looked really good today buddy! 

Oh my god. He was teasing me again, wasn't he? Just like in the locker room, he was dangling his prick in front of me just to show me what I couldn't have; proving his superiority, asserting his masculinity over me. The alpha male, marking his territory...hmmm, there was a thought, his territory. What if he really does think I'm cute, could that really be it?  I was a mess. How was I going to deal with this? I had to go in tomorrow first thing and get that class changed, that way the problem would just disappear, wouldn't it? UGH! I sat there for what seemed like ages reading the message over and over again, just to see if maybe I had misread it somehow. It was an email after all; you could take it any way you wanted to. The whole thing could have been completely innocuous and I had just taken it wrong because I had this totally unnatural obsession with Julian Claymore.

I sat at the dinner table in a complete fog. My parents were talking about some fundraiser that my mom had gotten involved with at our church so they didn't much notice that I was there in body only. I picked at the food on my plate for a few minutes and then excused myself. As I was headed up the stairs, my mom questioned if I was feeling all right. I said I was fine, just not very hungry and that I'd be in my room working on homework. My folks weren't unconcerned with my life, we just had a little bit of a scenario that we always played and in that piece of fiction, everything in my world was always rosy, or at least that's what I told them. When Julie and I broke up, they asked whether I was upset and telling them that I wasn't, that separations after high school were inevitable, they accepted it with ease. It's not that I'm lying to my folks, but I suppose I am trying to spare them the grief that goes with having a child who is different. Since I always got good grades and I never brought any psychodrama home with me, they never dug any deeper than just the surface of who I was.

As I went back to my computer, I contemplated what to do about Julian's message. I could do one of three things: 

a) ignore it, not respond and try to forget that he had ever sent it to me (not very cordial, but effective at getting my message across)

b) I could write a carefully worded reply that had no hint of innuendo or suggestiveness to it, and hope that he wrote back something equally cordial.  or... 

c) write a message from my heart, telling him that I was glad that he took the time to email me and that above anything else I would love for us to get to know each other better.

The first option seemed like the most logical to me. I'd transfer out of the class tomorrow, forget about the email and go on with my life; end of my temptation to men, end of the problem with Julian. I wished it was that easy to get him out of my thoughts though and that left me with only option. As I contemplated the keys and what exactly to say to him, Julian's gorgeous, gleaming, olive-colored skin, shone in my mind. What I wouldn't give to be able to run my hands across his chest and up into his beautiful, wavy hair.

To: surfpunk87

From: Jodders06

Re: Hey Jodders

Hi Julian,

I was glad to hear that you liked Psych class today. I've been looking forward to it ever since we got out of New B's. I plan to major in psychology, what about you? Have you thought about what you'd like to major in? Comparing profiles might be very interesting, indeed, since we are at two completely different ends of the teenage male species. 

*** 

Oh my god, now I'm using technical language from Psychology Today...he's going to see right through me... and then he'll know I'm basically full of shit...  I tried to continue in a more casual tone.

***

I guess since Amber collected all of our names and addresses that she'll let us know when the first study session will be. I look forward to seeing you there. 

All the best,

Jody

p.s. that's quite a nice tan you've acquired this summer, as well.



Okay, so it sounded stuffy and formal, but I don't think I gave anything away. I guess more than anything I really did want to get to know Julian and if that meant sacrificing my sanity, then it was something I was going to have to do. I logged off and went to bed. That night I slept pretty well, I know I dreamt of Julian again and it was a pretty sexy dream, but at least I didn't blast off again in my shorts. Waking to the last of the mockingbirds serenade, I wondered what I was going to do today. Originally, I'd planned to go to campus early and get the mess taken care of with my advisor, but I'd since reconsidered fleeing from the object of my desires and decided to try to deal. After all, how bad could it really be? Maybe we'd share a couple of sodas at a study session or laugh over some things other people said during their analysis of the other's profiles, but I wasn't going to let the "real" me out, no way, no how, so I really shouldn't worry so much.

I showered, (yeah and jerked off again, hey I'm at my sexual peak, I need some release now that I'm dreaming in Technicolor every night) and headed down to breakfast. I pretended like it was any other morning, but for some reason my mom decided that I looked or seemed or sounded different this morning than any other time in my life.

"Jody, did you meet someone new at school yesterday? You look different, happier today." She looked almost ravenous with interest.

How could she tell? I hadn't dressed any different, done my hair in a new style or even changed my deodorant, shampoo or soap. None of my morning routine differed in any way from any other day for the last year or so, but somehow the woman had a sixth sense about what I had resigned to myself last night as I sat at my desk and typed that email to Julian. I had a crush and I was tired of denying it.

"Mom...how did you...I mean, no Mom, I didn't meet anyone new," I backpedaled as visions of being homeless and destitute raced through my mind at breakneck speed. "I'm just really glad to be done with high school and getting on with my life."

"That's good dear, I'm glad you're happy." She went back to scrambling my eggs and preparing toast.

I finished my breakfast and headed back up to my room to look at my email, hoping and not hoping at the same time that Julian had written me back. I putzed and puttered around doing other things besides opening my email program, nervous and excited about what might be there. When I finally got around to it, I was disappointed to find that there was nothing from Julian, only more spam with claims of improving my life in every possible way except the one I wanted; they didn't offer me a sweet, olive-skinned surfer boy straight from the shores of the Pacific.

To be continued...



Waves of Confusion Ch. 02



When I turned on my computer and opened my email on Tuesday morning, there was a response from Jody. 

Hi Julian,

I was glad to hear that you liked Psych class today. I've been looking forward to it ever since we got out of New B's. I plan to major in psychology, what about you? Have you thought about what you'd like to major in? Comparing profiles might be very interesting, indeed, since we are at two completely different ends of the spectrum of the teenage male species. 

I guess since Amber collected all of our names and addresses that she'll let us know when the first study session will be. I look forward to seeing you there. 

All the best,

Jody

p.s. that's quite a nice tan you've acquired this summer, as well.

Okay, well that was weird and encouraging in the same breath. Jody was trying to be nice in his email but he was also trying to be detached at the same time. Well, except for that last line anyway. I'd seen him staring at my chest yesterday in class and I knew that the light green shirt I'd had on at the time emphasized my tan, olive complexion and my greenish eyes. I didn't have any classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays this quarter, so I had pretty much decided that I was going to the beach again this morning and suddenly I wanted a companion.

I knew Jody's home phone number by heart, but not his cell (if he even had one), so I picked up my cell and dialed. After a couple of rings, an older woman, who I assumed was Jody's mom, answered and I asked for Jody, she hesitated a moment not recognizing my voice and asked who was calling. I told her my name and listened as she put down the phone and walked away. I heard her call out for Jody and tell him that I was on the phone. After what seemed like forever, I heard an extension pick up.

A shaky voice said "Hello?"

"Hey Jody, it's Julian." I suppose that I didn't expect any kind of response, but I smiled to myself as I imagined the look of pure panic on his face.

"H...h...hi Julian."

"Hey whatcha doin'?" I really hoped he didn't have a class today either, but I'd make it work whatever his schedule was like.

"Eh...nothing really, just messing around on my computer."

"Do you have any classes today?"

"Yeah, at three." He still sounded nervous.

How should I do this, direct and to the point or backhanded and subtle? "Well, you know I surf, right?"

"Eh, yeah." 

"Uh...well, I was thinking about going to the beach this morning and I wondered if you wanted to come along." I automatically knew he was going to say no, but I thought I had a pretty decent retort.

"I can't surf, Julian." He said so matter-of-factly that I was beginning to doubt whether I really could convince him.

"That's okay," I said forcing a cheery lilt into my voice. "You don't have to surf. I just got this new digital camera and I wanted someone to photograph me while I'm out, so I can improve my game a bit, ya know. Whatcha think?"

"Uh...I don't know Julian."

"I was just gonna go out to Verona, it's only a ten minute drive from my place, but if you needed a ride, I could come and get you...no problem. I'd really like it if you came with my Jody."

"Well...as long as you can have me back to campus by three, I guess it'd be okay." I think he was actually smiling, or at least it sounded like it.

"Okay, well do you need me to come and get you?"

"Yeah, it's either that or I have to take the bus and I don't know which one to take to get that close to the beach, but there's a map of the stops on the net and I could go search it...if you don't want to that is, don't want to pick me up." He finally took a breath.

"Hey, don't sweat it bud, I'll be there in a little while, "k?"

I heard Jody draw in a deep breath, "Yeah, I suppose that would be best."

"Okay dude, see ya." I smiled to myself thinking how totally disarmed he must be.

"Uh, yeah...bye."

YES! Score... my first date with Jody Larson! I don't think I stopped smiling all the way to his house, that was until his front door opened.





Waves of Confusion Ch. 02



I don't know how I got him to the shore, but I did. I fought against the tide, his cumbersome surfboard and the weight of his body, which was so much more developed than mine and somehow got him onto the beach. I turned him on his side and slapped his back, hoping that this would let the water come from his lungs if he had any in there. I was useless when it came to this stuff. I only half paid attention in health and human development when we went over CPR, so I didn't know if I really knew what to do. He didn't seem to be breathing, or at least his chest wasn't going in and out, so I rolled him to his back and put my mouth to his, hoping that I could do something, anything to help him.

I made a seal on his lips with my own. Everything I had ever wanted, but now it wasn't lust that drove me, but panic, pure and simple. I blew into his mouth with the breath in my lungs and after pulling away, I tried to remember how to do chest compressions. I put my right hand at the top of his breastbone and pushed, trying to feel the center. As my fingertips traced the outline, I put my other hand on top of the first and pushed with all my strength. I pushed and counted, pushed and counted and as I did it the third time, water, mucus, and things I didn't even want to know about or care about at that moment came billowing out of Julian's mouth. He coughed and sputtered, sounding much like choking, so I quickly tried to get behind him and set him up straight so he didn't choke to death. He promptly threw up all over the beach. 

"Oh Jody, I'm so sorry." Julian's head hung to his chest and he tried to mop his mouth up with his hand. 

I shuffled in the sand for my shirt and gave it to him. "Here, use this," I said, not worried about what it was about to do to my favorite shirt.

He sat in the sand, still coughing and spitting stuff out onto the beachfront. Soon, seagulls gathered and started to pick at the mess and it was all I could do not to hurl too. 

"Can you get up?" I asked him softly, putting my hand on his shoulder in an act of comfort or support, whichever he needed at the time.

"Yeah, just gimme a second." His face had gone pale before, but now some color was returning to it.

After a few minutes, Julian reached for my hand and I helped him up. He was still a sight; sand and gross stuff on his wetsuit and in his hair.

"There's a shower up by the parking lot, let's head over there," he said as he slowly plodded along away from the surf's edge. "Can you grab my board?"

"Sure," I told him, but I was having trouble because I didn't want to leave any of my stuff behind. There was sand on everything and eventually after a few unsuccessful attempts, I gathered my hat, put on my glasses, still covered in sand and stuffed my socks into my shoes, hooking his board under my arm and dragging it along the hot beach.

By the time I reached the block walls of the showers, I was hot, tired, and a little grumpy. Julian was rinsing himself off in the streams of water and after I propped his board up, set my shoes and stuff down; I turned on the spray next to him. He looked over at me as I let the water rush down over me, cooling me and rinsing the sand from my body. "Just like school, huh?" He said with a flirty little smile on his face. I was instantly mortified. He knew. He knew I'd been watching him in school and he knew that I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. But if he knew and he was still smiling, that could only mean one thing....he liked it and moreover, he liked me.

So I did it, I said what I was thinking for the first time. "Yeah, except you have a little bit more on now then you did back then." 

Almost seductively, he unzipped his wetsuit and peeled himself out of the neoprene, revealing his buffed shoulders, arms and chest. Somewhere around us, someone gasped. Although after a second or so, I realized that it was me who had sucked in their breath.

"God, Julian." I was instantly hard and he was suddenly right next to me. He pulled me against him, out of the spray of the showerhead and laid his head on my shoulder. I could feel a bulge in his groin through the thick suit, but right now, I didn't care about his erection or mine. I was in his arms and my world was spinning out of control.

"Jody, you don't know how long I've waited for this." And I could feel drops of water splashing on my shoulder and chest as he cried softly. "Thank you, Jody. You saved my life today and now I guess you know my secret too."

I pulled back a little and looked into his beautiful face, "Have you known for a long time?" It seemed like a stupid thing to say after I heard myself say it, but this was all so new to me.

"Yeah, a long time, a really long time and I think I've had a crush on you for just about as long." Julian's thousand-watt smile washed back over his face and shone spectacularly in the high California sunshine. At that moment, I stopped trying so hard not to feel anything for him. The ache in my gut that had haunted me for four years was gone. I knew I loved him and I think he might just love me too.

To be continued...



Waves of Confusion Ch. 03



When we finally came to back to Earth, Julian was pretty tired from his fight with nature's fury, so we decided to go to his house until it was time for me to go to class. We hadn't been on the beach that long when all of this happened and it was only just before noon now. I could still spare a little time and it wasn't like I wanted to be anywhere else. My insecurities were still hovering somewhere close to the surface of my consciousness, but the endorphins in my brain from being in Julian's embrace were still firing heavily. I wanted Julian, had wanted him for years and now that I had allowed myself to admit it, all of the immediate confusion I had been feeling for the last couple of days, just seemed to slip away, well most of it.

I suppose seeing Julian's beat up pick up, I expected us to pull up to a track home, like the one I lived in, but when we turned right off the coast highway into a stand of trees and started up a long driveway, I was about to get a eyeful of surprise and wonder. Against the backdrop of pines and an occasional redwood, stood what I assumed was Julian's house. What lay before me was a crisp English Tudor style house with brick and stonework everywhere my eyes could see. As if I didn't have enough to contemplate already, now I discovered Julian was rich. This didn't fit with the "persona" that he projected however and I tried to reconcile the teenager I knew with a spoiled little rich boy who apparently lived here.

I stared at him across the bench seat of the Nissan pick-up.

"What?" He looked back into my eyes and got the answer I need. He wasn't the stereotype, either in thought or deed. His sexuality wasn't what it appeared and based on the reaction I got, neither was his station in life.

"Nothing," I said. "Nice House." I winked at him and he rolled his gorgeous hazel eyes back at me.

"It's my dad's house, not mine. Don't go thinking I'm some rich kid or anything." He had a far-away look on his face and I deduced that his relationship with his father was not at all wonderful. He parked the truck at an angle, askew from the front of the garage. (it had five bays...wow!)

"You comin'?" He winked at me and I caught on to the double entendre.

"Yeah, right behind you." I was having some slight misgivings about my sudden surroundings. Self-doubt, after all, was my strong suit.

When he traipsed through a side door to the house, I assumed we were going in the back way because it didn't look anything like a front entrance. He kicked off his checkerboard Vans and pushed them under a bench in what someone on the East Coast would refer to as a "mudroom" and continued into a brightly lit kitchen. An older woman was standing at the sink in front of a huge window overlooking the ocean, cleaning fresh green beans. As she snapped the ends off and peeled the string from the vegetable she was working on, she glanced over her shoulder at us, lingering momentarily on me. I wondered who she was, but assumed if Julian wanted to introduce me to her, he would say something soon.

He continued through the house and I followed, leaving a bit of distance between us not wanting to look like his little lost puppy. Julian stopped in front of what I assumed was his bedroom door, pulled a note off the bulletin board plastered there and flung it open. Tentatively, I poked my head around the corner to see what a "rich kid's" room looked like. Although it was a lot bigger than my room, it pretty much looked like any teenage boy's room; desk, computer, TV, bed, posters (mostly of surfers and one of Orlando Bloom). The thing that struck me was how dark it was in here. If I hadn't known for a fact that the sun was high in the sky at this time of day, I would have thought it was night in here. 

"Don't be scared, Jody. I won't bite you..." Julian's smile turned to a little sneer as he muttered, "not yet anyway."

I had to admit, I was a little bit scared. Julian had been the center of my universe for four years and now here I was in his room, his bedroom...where he slept, dreamed and possibly jerked off??? It was almost more than I could handle. I wondered if Julian had many guys in his room before this. Of course he has, don't be such a dweeb Jody. 

Julian had taken his wetsuit off at the beach before we drove to his house, donned a pair of bright swim shorts that hung off his hips loose and revealing and now he was shedding them in favor of only his tight Speedo. My eyes, free from the guilt and turmoil of a high school locker room, consumed the sight of his beautiful body with gusto. 

"Like what you see, bud?" He knew he had embarrassed me, catching the way I was devouring him with my eyes, but he seemed to be more pleased about it than anything? His cockiness both emboldened and frightened me as I lifted my head to meet his stare. When I opened my mouth to reply, nothing came out.

I stammered for a few seconds more, and then finally sputtered out my answer, my cheeks blushing a fierce red. "eh...yeah."

Slowly, as though he was approaching a skittish animal, Julian crossed the room and held out his hand for me to take.

"Come on, bud. I've think I've been waiting for this moment for just as long as you have." And as I relinquished my last bit of control, he closed and locked the door behind us.





Waves of Confusion Ch. 04



I needed to stay away from Julian that much was clear. I couldn't function normally with him around, but I still had him in one class and it met three times a week. Well, I'd have to figure something out, and I'd have to do it fast. I'd spent most of the previous day sulking; thinking about what I wanted and who I wanted in my life. A few things had become clear and "oh so" logical. I didn't want to be ostracized from my family, friends weren't really a problem because I didn't have that many, but I didn't want to acquire the reputation as being gay either. I thought about Julian for a long time. He was so beautiful and deep down in my soul, I hungered to do exactly what he wanted me to that day in his room, to touch him, his face, his long limbs, his beautifully sculpted maleness, but truthfully I was too scared and confused to make a move. I knew that I had partially led Julian on that day after he almost drowned, that I let my hormones talk when I should have been listening to my brain, but that wasn't going to happen anymore. 

Everything I had ever thought my life was going to be was washing away before my eyes as I thought about the possibility of actually being with him. I knew now that he did think about me, desire me, if you will; but I just couldn't allow myself to fall into the trap of being that easily swayed. I was going to have to face him and tell him that I wasn't interested—somehow. I needed to concentrate on my studies; that would get me through all of this. At least, that's what I told myself in the comfort of my bedroom, where there was no one to judge me. And that's what I continued to tell myself up until I saw the bronze of his skin and hazel of his eyes overtake my field of vision the next morning in the lecture hall. I tried to get there just as the class was about to start, not to give him time to come up to me, but this plan was subverted by a very typical professor. Late—as I would soon come to find out was the modus operandi of the faculty at this state school. 

Julian stood in front of me, a mixture of pure animal magnetism and the devil incarnate. My brain, which had been sure-footed in its previous assumption that I was not gay and would not be swayed in that direction, betrayed me significantly by sending all of my hormones rushing toward my mutinous genitals at the first sight of him. I quickly found a seat on the end of the row and tried my best to focus on Julian's eyes instead of the rest of his statuesque physique. He knelt next to me and whispered in my ear.

"Jody, I'm really sorry about the other day. Are we okay, bud?"

The feeling of his lips on my ear was almost more than my naïve and inexperienced body could take. I could feel the pre-cum leaking from the end of my lengthening cock, and I knew that I had to get out of there. I stood up as Julian struggled back to his feet. "I have to go, Julian," I said and I turned to leave the lecture hall. He grasped the top of my arm in a death grip and I turned to see the most horrified look on his face. Suddenly, nothing in the world was more important to me then making the desperation in Julian's face disappear. I mustered up my strength and looked across at the rest of the students. "Come on, let's go." 

We walked for a long time before Julian finally had the nerve to ask me where the hell we were going. 

"Did you have a destination in mind, or are we just walking off your boner?" He was smiling and I knew he had me pegged. I had to stop denying what was happening between us, but how was I going to do that without hurting my family or Julian, or for that matter myself?

We were approaching a copse of aging oak and eucalyptus trees and I veered toward them, set down my books and plopped, unceremoniously on top of them. He sat tentatively next to me and leaned back against one of the majestic oaks. 

When he looked up again, I mustered all my courage and stared deep into his engaging eyes. "Julian, here's the deal…I'm going to talk and you're going to listen, okay?"

He nodded.

"I might sound like a complete babbling idiot and a total loser to you, but this is what is going on in my head right now, and maybe once I've told you everything I won't feel like such a stumbling, bumbling geek anymore. Who knows?"

As I tried to think about what I wanted to say to him, I felt small and weak, as I always did in his presence during the years we spent going to the same high school. Finally, after what felt like a lengthy silence, I just gave up and started talking, not trying so hard to sound knowledgeable or learned or anything remotely coherent. 

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. I don't know when I didn't think so. It seems like every time I looked up in the locker room in high school, there you were, bronzed and buffed and the epitome of absolute masculinity. I knew I shouldn't be looking at you, especially naked, but my eyes betrayed me every second you were anywhere in the vicinity. I was mesmerized by you, by your hair, your eyes, your shoulders, your butt, and your…your, yeah that." I smiled at my awkward attempt to say penis. What was the deal, I had one too; it just didn't look anything like his.

Julian lifted his hand and stroked upward on my cheekbone. I thought my body had turned to butter. The hair on the back of my neck rose; it's a good thing I was sitting down because if I hadn't been, I'd have been on my ass by now. I was quivering and a tear escaped my eye, he caught it and brought it to his mouth, consuming it as if it were some precious, life-giving fluid. 

I reached across and grabbed his hand back and placed it on my lips. I kissed the back of it and looked into the fire that appeared in his eyes. "I think I'm in love with you," I mumbled as I broke down and started to cry.

Julian encircled me with his arms and we just sat there for the longest time, me crying and him comforting me. I could hear a gaggle of mockingbirds in the trees above us, warbling their variations on the other bird's tunes and it was surprisingly comforting. When eventually I looked up from where my head had been on Julian's shoulder, he was staring down at me with the sweetest smile on his face. He understood what I was feeling, I think—no actually, I knew he had felt these same feelings, knew the same indecision that warped my mind for the past week, hurt the same hurts and craved the same things I did; love and affection and the strange acceptance that he was giving me with his embrace.

"I guess that means I'm gay, doesn't it?" I questioned, already knowing the answer.

"Actually, Jody," he said while rubbing my back. "It only means what you give it permission to mean."

I was confused. Was this ever going to end?

"Look, you are what you are…okay? If you think you love me, then all it really means is that you've found a connection with another human soul. Just because I happen to be a guy and not a girl, doesn't define what you are on the inside. A year from now, two, you could fall in love with someone else, someone who happens to be a girl. Or maybe you won't, who knows? Don't let what you feel for me define you."

He looked at me with a curious expression. "Does any of that make sense?"

"Truthfully," I thought, "No, but I think see what you're getting at."

I stretched my neck up a little bit and in the middle of a crowded college campus, I kissed another guy. The earth didn't stop spinning; the ground didn't open up and swallow us and nothing close to lightening struck, well, except in my head. Little stars were definitely fluttering all over in my brain, just like they had back in Julian's room that afternoon. I decided I liked kissing him, more than just about anything else I'd ever done in my life.

He pulled back a little bit and waited for me to recover. "Well that was certainly progress." A little laugh escaped before he could squash it and when I saw that it was funny—me kissing him after practically running from him a little while earlier, I joined him.

"Do you want to go back to Psych class?" At first I thought he was mocking me, but in all actuality he was serious. "There's still a little less than an hour left. We could freak all those rah-rah girls out and tell them our darkest secrets." He kissed my cheek.

I thought about it for a minute. There were still some things I needed to tell him. "Actually, can we just sit here for a little while longer? I think I know what I need to say now."

"Sure, no problem…I'm all ears." His gorgeous smile beamed at this slight at his manly proportions and I giggled, thinking "Nope, but you're mostly all cock and balls."

"Julian, I have to admit to you that I'm still pretty confused by all of this. It seems like when I'm with you I know exactly what I want, but as soon as I'm alone, I start to question the legitimacy of what I'm feeling. I know that what my body is telling me is mostly lust, but there is something about the time that we've shared that makes me think that it could be a lot more than that. And on top of all that, I have no idea what you want from me."

"Right now, I don't want anything more than what we've got." I blanched—did that mean that he wasn't interested in anything long-term? 

"What, you want more than that?" He said in light-hearted quizzical tone.

"No, I mean yes, I mean…shit…I don't know what I mean or want for that matter."

"Look, what I'm saying is I'm not going to rush you, Jody. I don't think I love you…" my eyes rolled, "I know I do, but I don't want to stress you out or force you to do anything you're not ready for. Okay?"

I was in awe of him. How could he "know" he loved me? "Julian, how can you say that?"

"Because," his tone was sure and steady, "I've been in lots of relationships and you're the first person I've ever wanted to just be with. Sex has always been a big thing with me." He looked at my smirk, "Ha ha, no pun intended, okay? But really, listen to what I'm saying, Jody. I've had sex with a lot of people…and yes, I was careful. I slept with a couple of girls in school and there have been a few guys too. I didn't want to do anything with any of them but get off, do you understand?"

"Kinda," I stammered. "That's what I was afraid of in your room the other day. That you just wanted to get laid and you didn't care that it was me who was with you."

"Oh God, Jody, no." His grip tightened around my shoulders and he started kissing my hair. "Yes, I was horny, I always am when you're around, but I was trying to show you how much you mean to me, that I couldn't really control myself because I was sooooo excited about being with you."

"I think I get it now…but, I don't think I can have sex with you right now. Do you still want to…see me?"

"Of course, Jodders. That's what I was trying to tell you. It's not just about the sex. I want you, all of you. Body, mind and soul, the total package, ya know?" He smiled down at me and I let him kiss me deep again. He made me feel so good, so protected and I wanted it to go on forever, but as soon as the thought of forever crossed my mind, the feelings of dread crept in along with it.

When he pulled back, probably because I was no longer pushing my tongue back against his, I told him we should probably think about getting up. I was afraid now. Afraid that someone I knew would see us, performing something that could be interpreted as virtual foreplay. Above all, afraid that every time he kissed me that way he would wear down my resistance even more, and I would do what I said I wasn't ready for, let him make love to me. Something my body was screaming for and my mind was still denying. However, practicality prevailed and we gathered our things and started back for the parking area where his truck was. I let him drive me home, no need to spend money on the bus now, but when we were finally in front of my house paranoia set in. I didn't want my mom to see us kissing, so I grabbed his hand well below the level of the window and tried to indicate to him that we couldn't kiss goodbye here.

"I know, sweetie…don't worry, we'll take it one step at a time, okay?" He said, getting the hint that I had passed through our joined hands.

As I gazed at him one last time, I lifted my hand to my ear in the universal sign for "call me." He smiled that sweet, understanding smile back at me and lifted his hand in return. As I was walking away from the truck, he honked and I practically jumped out of my skin. I went back to the window as he rolled it down, "Do you have a cell number?" What a dunce I was. I nodded and he handed me his phone to put the number in his address book. For my name, I did something provocative and typed in J O D Y- B F and my number. I was sure he'd get the message.





Waves of Confusion Ch. 04



"Yep, why you so surprised?"

"I was a skinny geek then." 

"No way, babe, you've never been a geek."

"Wow, my geek girlfriend would be offended to hear you say that."

Wait a minute, girlfriend? What?

"Jody…you have a girlfriend?"

"Oh, not now…I mean she was my girlfriend, senior year…but I guess she was more like a girl friend, we never did anything."

"Oh, okay."

"Her name was Julie, kinda weird, huh?"

"Yeah, kinda like fate maybe…huh?"

"I don't know… it's certainly a coincidence. You know I used to call her Jules too." 

"Yeah and she called you…"

"UGH!"

"What you don't like Jodders?"

"Well, truthfully…part of me does and part of me doesn't. My mom has called me that since I was a little boy, but then when Julie got hold of it, I guess it was a little embarrassing. But, when you say it…I don't know, it sounds almost sexy."

"Hmmm….well, I like that."

"Yeah, me too."

"Jodders?"

"Yeah, Jules?"

"What'cha doin?"

A giggle. "Can't tell you."

"How come?"

"'Cause, it's embarrassing."

"Ah…come on, babe, you can tell me anything…I'm your boyfriend now."

"I like the way that sounds, Jules."

"Me too…where are you?"

"In my room."

"What'cha wearin'?"

"Mmmm…shorts."

"Underwear shorts, or board shorts?"

"Tee-hee, underwear shorts."

"What were you doing when I called?"

"Oh God, Julian…"

"Don't be embarrassed, baby, it's all good, you're perfectly normal."

"Okay…I was thinking about how it feels when you kiss me deep, you know like you want to eat me alive."

"Oh yeah. I love kissing you. My whole body lights up and comes to attention when my tongue is in your mouth. Like the other day…you saw what happened just from kissing you."

"Jules, I love kissing you too…and I wanted to touch you so bad that day…oooh…man…you're so beautiful….uuuuuggghhh."

"Did you come, baby?"

In a shy voice, "yeah."

"Did it feel good?"

"Mmmmm….."

"Do I make you feel good?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me…"

"Is this like phone sex?"

"Uh…well, it doesn't have to be. Is it not okay, babe?"

"Well…I don't know, I've never done it before…but I guess I just did, didn't I?"

"Kinda, yeah."

"Your voice turns me on, Julian. You sound so sexy on the phone."

"Well, I'm glad, babe, it makes me happy that you like how I sound, but if you don't want to do this, you don't have to."

"It's okay. You know what else turns me on?"

"What, baby?"

"Your hair…it's so silky and pretty…is it okay to say pretty?"

"Yeah, it's okay."

"Well, it is. And you're chest and your shoulders; they're so tanned and muscular, kinda like you're carved outta stone."

"Uh huh…my muscles turn you on."

"Oh yeah, and you know what turns me on more than anything?"

"No. What, baby? Tell me."

"Your cock…how you're not cut."

"Mmmhmmm…you like my skin baby?"

"Yeah, it looks sooooo erotic. Does it feel good when it goes up and down across the head?"

"Oh yeah, baby, it feels really good…and you know what feels the best? When you put your tongue up under it and swipe the head of my cock underneath the skin….do you want to feel my cock in your mouth, Jody?…ooooh my god, baby, I'm gonna cum."

"Yeah, Jules, I want to feel it…cum for me."

Heavy breathing. "Jody, I love you."

"I know, Jules…I think I do to."

"You okay with this, baby?"

"Yeah, I guess it's kind of like cyber sex, huh?"

"Except I can't see you're beautiful face and body." I was still breathing heavy as I scooped up the cum on my belly and lifted it to my lips, wishing it was Jody's.

"I don't know about that."

"What?"

"About my body being beautiful…my face either, really."

"You're beautiful, believe me. To me you're the most beautiful person on the planet."

"Do you really mean that, Julian?"

"Of course I do, Jody, I wouldn't lie to you."

"Wow, I never thought anyone would see me that way or feel that way about me."

"Well, it's the God's-honest truth, babe. I've had the hots for you for just about forever."

"Thanks. Jules."

"For what, babe?"

"For loving me."

"Anytime handsome. You got stuff you gotta do?"

"Nah, not really, although we should probably email that Amber girl and find out what they did in Psych today"

"Yeah, good idea. You want to let me know when you find out?"

"Sure. You want me to call you or email you?"

"Whatever you want to do, babe. I think I'm gonna head out to the beach and catch a few waves before it gets dark."

"Be careful, Jules. I don't want what happened the other day to happen again."

"Don't worry, babe, there's bound to be other peeps out there this time of day…but thanks for worrying about me, it's nice."

"Welcome, it's my job now, right?"

"I guess it is. I'll talk to ya later, okay?"

"Okay. Hey, Jules….?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"Will you say it again?"

"What, babe?"

"That you love me."

"I love you, Jody Larson, and I'm so glad you're my boyfriend."

"Me too Jules."

"Bye, baby."

"Bye."

To be continued…



Waves of Confusion Ch. 05



Wow! I finally had sex with another human being. Well, okay he wasn't technically in the same room, but it was sex, nonetheless. How embarrassing though; I had come all over myself while Julian's husky baritone reverberated in my ears and he knew the moment it happened too. What was that all about anyway? Was I that transparent? I think he realized how tentative I was about the whole issue of sex and instead of forcing me, he was playing a bit coy and a bit naughty to tempt me into it. Part of my surging hormones didn't need tempted at all, part of me was itching to have him naked and hard in front of me so that I could play out every fantasy I'd ever had about him. But in the next instant I was back teetering on the edge of my fence, worrying about what these feelings meant and most of all, what the repercussions of my letting my hormones win any battle with the rest of my body would do to my future.

As I drifted off to dreamland, the scene in Julian's room just a few days ago unfolded before me. Standing there with his enticing uncut cock peeking from behind the string of his Speedos my eyes widened and my mouth became an unbidden "o," willing the head to slip easily through my lips and taste the flavor of him for the first time. In my newly formed dream, the carpet was suddenly soft beneath my knees and I was untying that wisp of suit to get to the girth of manhood below. My tongue left my mouth longing to feel at last, the wrinkles of Julian's foreskin covered in the luscious nectar of his pre-cum, succulent, salty and sweet all in the same moment. I don't know if I moaned out loud in the night, but in the dream, I most certainly did. Just holding the head of his cock in my mouth was enough to get my motor running and I grasped the head of my own cock, squeezing tight, hoping to stem the tide of my imminent eruption. As I began sucking Julian's beautiful manhood, tickling the foreskin with my tongue and swiping underneath the head, the way I liked to stroke my own cock, my brain became a wash of white static. 

The next thing I knew I was looking up at my whitewashed ceiling and it was bright and sunny outside. RATS, I thought, I had just been witness to physical perfection and almost felt Julian come in my mouth, well figuratively anyway—and I had to wake up. No reason to stay in bed now, I'd just end up with a headache if I tried too hard to go back to sleep and my dreams never repeated themselves when I wanted them to. So, with resigned indignation at the impending day ahead, I gathered myself up and headed off for my litany of morning ablutions. 

Clean and refreshed, I gathered my backpack, making sure my books for Economics 10 was in with my other supplies and bounded down the stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast. My mother, the secret seeker, noticed my heightened mood immediately. 

"Wow, Jodders…what are you so happy about this morning?" 

 Talk about shooting my day in the foot. "Mom, do you HAVE to call me that?"

"I'm sorry honey; I thought you liked it when I called you that?" Her face belied the attempt at impartiality I heard in her voice. "If you don't want me to call you that anymore, I won't."

She turned her back and fixed me a plate of toast and scrambled eggs, what she made me almost every morning. She was one of those people that believed in the old adage, a good day started with a good breakfast. I almost felt guilty for admonishing her about the name she's used for me since I was a toddler, but I needed her to realize I wasn't a baby anymore.

As she put the plate in front of me, I grasped her wrist and looked into her eyes. "Mom, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to snap at you, it's just…I'm not a little boy anymore you know?"

I knew from many moments just like this one what her next words would be. She brought my hand to her lips and whispered just loud enough for me to hear, "You'll always be my little boy." 

"I know Mom, but I don't want to feel like a little boy anymore. I'm in college now and if someone were to hear you call me that, well…it would be embarrassing."

She stroked her hand across my forehead, brushing my bangs back into my hair. "Okay, a full and complete JODY, it is; from now on."

"Thanks, Mom!" I thought I detected just a bit of sadness in her eyes. I hoped she wasn't headed for a battle with empty nest syndrome any time soon, but I guess the fact that I was her only child and I was on the verge of making my own way, it was a bit inevitable.

"So, where are you off to today?" She continually carried on a conversation with anyone who was in our kitchen with her back to them. She was always busy doing something—preparing a meal, washing dishes or many other tasks I never really paid attention to. I realized as I sat there that I didn't really know my mom that well as I hadn't spent any "real" time with her in years.

Thinking over the reason I hadn't spent quality time with my parents, it occurred to me that if I wanted that to change I would have to stop hiding a part of myself that I wasn't certain I was ready to reveal. All this thinking was going to be the death of me. One minute I was ready to tell the world that I was gay and I was falling in love with Julian Claymore, but the next I was anxious and nervous, wondering how the people around me would feel once, or even if, I disclosed this very private information.

"Jody," she looked over her shoulder at me extricating me from my Julian-daze. "Do you have class this morning or are you off with that new friend of yours? He's quite a looker by the way, must have the girls crawling all over him." So much for changing the status quo, I thought with a sigh. 

"Econ this morning, Mom," I said in a tone that one could have considered snippy. "One of the ones I have to get out of my way for my general ed requirements."

"Well, you know what I always say…do what you have to, to make your dream a reality, honey."

"I know…it's just so boring." And if I was bored in class, Julian was going to be the first thing on my mind; the source of my fantasies and my strife; how could one person become so important to me in such a short a time?

"Well, it can't be that bad, honey, just hunker down and get through it."

Do they teach parental clichés in some secret club somewhere? My mom certainly knew enough of them.

***

Normally, the Claymore house was not what anyone would refer to as domestic. My dad was usually gone by the time I even rolled out of bed and "the washer woman" was working down her list of daily attempts to replace my mother. My normal M.O. was to grab a bagel and a cup of coffee then head off to the beach or to school. I had just been surfing last night, so that was out for the morning—no one to go with anyway, and I wasn't in the mood to go by myself. I'd figured on going down to the pier though because they had a shop down there that specialized in "pride" jewelry. I wanted to get Jody something that signified that we were together now and even though I didn't want to push him into anything he wasn't ready for; I did want him to know that I loved him and that he was the most important thing in the world to me.

My father was setting at the table in the breakfast nook with the newspaper and a cup of coffee.

"Hi," I said my knitted brow with confusion. "What are you doing here?"

He chuckled a little, acknowledging the fact that he hardly spent any time at the house anymore. "I do still live here." He replied in jest.

"Really, I hadn't noticed." I got my bagel and coffee and started for the back door.

"Julian, wait a second, will you." He motioned me back over to the table and, against my better judgment; I went over and sat down. "I'd like us to find a happy medium here you know. I know I'm busy most of the time, but you are my son and I do still love you and want to spend time with you."

Keeping the sarcastic edge in my voice, I said, "Could have fooled me."  That made him mad or guilty or some combination of the two and he sniped back, "Come on, Jules, I'm trying here."

He hadn't called me that since I was a little boy. It was my mom's name for me, I was her little jewel and she made it known to whoever she could. Now I was Jody's jewel, but my father's—that I highly doubted.

"Look, Dad, you've been around squat for the past few months. I guess it's a good thing that I have college and a new boyfriend, 'cause otherwise I might have actually resented you for it. I don't expect you to drop everything and become Mr. Mom or anything, ya know."

"I'm not talking about that, Jules; I just want us to have some kind of relationship. I know I haven't been Father of the Year, but I do want to try. Okay?"

"Okay," I said with some serious reservation. "I guess you'll have to make an effort to get to know me again then, but Dad, don't expect it to be a cakewalk. Too much time has passed and some of the choices you've made are going to be with me for the rest of my life." That one stung and I could see him physically flinch. 

"I love you, Julian." He said with complete sadness in his voice.

"I love you too, Dad. It's just been a long time since I've had any reason to show it."

Well, that was quite a start to any dialogue, I must say.

***

When I got to the pier, the shop I wanted to visit wasn't open yet, so I hung out along the boardwalk, watching people as they strolled by. I liked people watching, you could learn a lot about society and people in general if you just opened your eyes and observed. More people should try it; maybe we'd be a more tolerant society if they did.

When I'd finally been in to pick out the little metal bracelet I wanted to give to Jody, paid for it and left the shop, all I could think about was seeing him. I was pretty sure he had a class this morning and I had one at noon, so I'd have to quell my desires for a while anyway. I sent him a text and asked him to meet me at the Memorial Union on campus when we were both done with our respective endeavors.

I managed to eek through my class in Art History. The way the teacher lectured reminded me of the character of Professor Bins in Harry Potter, droning on and on, oblivious to anything or anyone around him. He might as well have been a ghost too, for all the attention everyone paid him. It was sad actually; he seemed like a nice guy when he wasn't lecturing, but once he got up to the podium, for some reason all redeeming characteristics left him. I know I had dozed off twice already in just two weeks, it didn't bode well for the rest of the semester, that was for sure.

Skittering out of the cramped lecture hall with the rest of the hordes trying to escape the insanity of absolute boredom, I sprinted toward the quad and the MU building. I had the present for Jody in my pocket and it rattled around as I ran toward the center of campus. I was so excited about seeing him. I couldn't remember ever feeling this way about any of my past boyfriends or girlfriends for that matter. As I rounded the corner of the glass front building, I saw him out of the corner of my eye, sitting at a little bistro table, his head buried in a copy of the campus newspaper. His neck was exposed in a fluid arch from the collar of his polo shirt to the bottom of his short brown hair. I felt an intense need to bury my face against it, savoring his warmth and scent, imprinting him on my memory forever.

Trying to pass by without him seeing me, I snuck up behind him and succumb to my impulses. I leaned into him and sniffed his scent deeply, clean and musky at the same time, nuzzling against the warmth of his sun-warmed skin. I kissed him there and he shivered. "Hi," he said demurely, turning his head to see what was happening.

"Hey," I leaned down and kissed him quickly and as chastely as I could manage.

"You scared me you know." His smile was small, a smirk almost, knowing that I'd only meant to surprise him, not scare him at all.

"Sorry," I replied as I reached into my pocket and put the small box on the table in front of him.

"What's this?"

I encircled him from behind and whispered into his ear in my sexiest voice, "A gift for my boyfriend."

"Mmm, I like it when you say that." He took the top off the box and lifted the small copper and silver linked bracelet out, the sun hitting it and making it glimmer as he turned it round and round.

"Wow, Jules, this is great, thank you."

"You're welcome, try it on."

He did and it looked terrific on his thin wrist. I was a little bias, I suppose. He could have been wearing nothing and he would have looked good to me. Actually I would have preferred that.

Finally, sitting down in the chair next to him, I took his hands in mine. "I wanted you to know how special you are to me, Jody."

We kissed a little, soft butterfly kisses, ignoring the rest of the world around us. Some jerk called us fags as he walked by, but not even that could ruin how wonderful I felt having Jody kiss me.

"Can we go somewhere else to do this, Julian?" I was sure the rude comment was having an effect on him and I knew I was starting to bone up, so the idea of extricating ourselves from this public forum we were in was appealing on more than one level.

"Sure, let's jet." I stood, pulling him up with me and we headed of toward the south entrance where my truck was parked. Given the scene with my father that morning, I probably should have been feeling melancholy, missing my mother at the very least, but with Jody at my side, his hand in mine, I was in seventh heaven.

***

Econ was an absolute nightmare. I'd been good at math and science in high school, liked political science or government as they called it at my school, but this class was absolutely the most boring thing I'd ever been in. We'd been in session two weeks now and I'd only been to the class twice, but I knew it was going to be the bane of my existence for the rest of the semester and I'd be lucky if I squeaked by with a C. While I was sitting there, trying to concentrate on all the numbers and statistics, I got a text from Julian. He wanted me to meet him in the quad after my class was over. Sounded good to me, I was up for anything that was more exciting than this crap.

I was done a whole hour and a half before he was so I wandered around a little bit, browsing in the book store for a mystery or something I could pour myself into when I wasn't with Jules. Nothing I saw appealed to me though, so instead I grabbed a copy of the free campus paper, stopped to pick up a cup of coffee and headed outside to find a nice spot in the sun and wait for Julian.

I read about the graduate students group that was protesting poor wages for internships, some kind of scandal with an upper administration official who was accusing the President of the college of discrimination based on her race and gender, the local police blotter for campus and the surrounding neighborhoods, classified ads from people selling TVs, stereos and other miscellaneous electronics, tutors advertising their services for advanced classes in engineering, math and some of the pre-med courses. Just when I'd perused about the entire thing, stopping for a glance at the personals, I felt a tickle on the back of my neck and then a pair of soft lips kissing me there.

I felt myself shudder momentarily at the surprise of it in general and when I realized it was Julian, it was the taboo of him doing this to me in public. I stifled my reflex to ask him to stop as he dropped his arm over my shoulder and put a white gift box on the table next to my coffee.

"What's this?"

"A gift for my boyfriend," he said with what I understood to be a certain degree of whimsy that went along with new love.

"Mmmmm, I like it when you say that." And I did. My dick was getting stiff in my pants and I would have given anything at that moment for Julian and I to have been rolling around anywhere with our erections pressed together. The boy gave me hot flashes.

Julian wanted to see me wear the bracelet he'd given me, so I proceeded to put it on. Then he kissed me, right there in the open, people walking by; anyone could have seen us. And truthfully, they were seeing us, but only one uptight jock looking guy with a buzz cut said anything; calling us that awful name that I was so afraid of. But I kept my cool. I didn't want to ruin this moment with my new boyfriend and instead of freaking out; I simply asked him if we could go somewhere else to continue this. 

He didn't seem to mind and guided me, his hand in mine, toward the parking lot where his truck was parked. I crawled in, scooted over next to him and gently laid my hand in his lap as he drove. At every stop sign and stop light, he leaned over to kiss me, again softly and sweetly, making my prominent bulge, even more apparent. I hoped we were going to his house, because I really wanted to be alone with him. All the confusion and anguish I'd put myself through over the past couple of years about my sexuality was seeping out of me at a pretty accelerated pace. Every time I was with Julian I wanted nothing more than to tell the world how much I admired him, adored him, and loved him. Even the idea of telling my parents was becoming inevitable to me.

We arrived, as we had last time, at the back of Julian's house. I couldn't see any cars around, but it was late in the day and I just assumed the lady who I had seen last time was their housekeeper must have gone home for the day. I knew Julian's mom had passed away while we were still in high school, it had been in the paper and there were rumors flying around school that Julian had tried to kill himself afterward, but I didn't take stock in rumors and if Julian had been suicidal then, he seemed more in control now, at least to me.

Julian reached around me and hugged me tight as we sat there in front of the huge garage. We started kissing again, this time his tongue finding its way inside my mouth and me receiving it with verve and vigor. His hands stayed on my shoulders and chest and I realized he was trying to keep himself from touching me below the waist. I grabbed one of his hands and brought it to my groin, pressing it firmly into my erection. "Touch me, Jules." He did and it was all I could do not to shoot my load in my undies right there. 

"Let's go inside," he growled at me. God, he was so sexy.

"Okay," was all that squeaked out in reply as I followed him into the grand place where he lived.

Rushing through the familiar path we'd taken the last time I had been here, I could see that we were indeed alone. We reached his bedroom door and he flung it open, not looking to see if there were any of those little pink slips tacked up on the bulletin board he had there. "Come here, babe." He said after he closed the door, locking the world out and us in.

I was all over him in a hot second. His hair smelled so good, some kind of eucalyptus or something, making me moan deep in my chest—how did I ever resist this hunk of prime masculinity? I didn't know, but I was done resisting, worrying, fighting my feelings. I wanted to have sex with him and this was when and where I was doing it. We kissed some more, our dicks rubbing up against each other, me knowing that his gorgeous monster lay just two articles of clothing away from me and telling myself I was finally going to suck it after all this time if it killed me.

Pulling away from him, I backed up and found his bed with the backs of my knees; I stopped and unbuttoned my pants, glancing up at his astonished eyes. I unzipped and let my loose shorts fall onto the ground, my cock practically bursting through my boxers. "I want you, Jules." The boxers hit the floor and Julian took no time in responding to my offer. He was on his knees in front of me in a flash. As his hot mouth engulfed my rigid prick, I just about shot in his mouth; this had to be the very best feeling I had ever had in my entire life.




Waves of Confusion Ch. 05



"Oh God, baby, fuck, that feels so good…oh man, Jules, go slooooow or I'm gonna cum." I was a bit embarrassed that it was so fast, but he did what I asked him to and backed off me and stood up. "My turn," I said reaching for the top button of his jeans. I could feel how hard he was as I eased the zipper down and exposed his alluring uncut member to the outside air.

"Jody, are you sure?" My head tipped up to meet his eyes and I could see the concern there.

"Yeah, I want it. I've wanted it for a long time. I'm done being scared, Jules." He helped me wriggle him out of the skin tight Levi's he was wearing and as I knelt down to take him in; his cock drooled on my cheek. oh… my… God, how fucking hot is that? I thought to myself. Settling there at his feet, I gently took his rigid pole in my hand, loving the searing heat and purely sexual aroma he exuded. 

His head was thrown back and he was moaning softly as my hand explored his shaft, rubbing gently up and down, making the foreskin bunch up and retract around the head of his cock. I was mesmerized. This man/boy was everything I had ever wanted in my young life, every last ounce of him was what my body had been dreaming, fantasizing and hoping for since I started through puberty. I licked around the inside tip of his foreskin, tasting his pre-cum as though it was honey, sucking on the wrinkled skin gathered there as I slipped it back over the head; admiring everything about the way it looked.

As I took him in my mouth, Julian warned me sweetly, knowing, I'm sure, that I'd probably gag if I tried to take him too deep. "Go slow, baby, don't try to take it all at once, okay…whatever you can manage this time will be great."

So, that's exactly what I did. I sucked the head of his cock into my mouth, loving everything about it. I knew how mine felt in my hand, but I had no idea how much of a thrill I would get from having him in my mouth. The taste, the smell, the heat of him, was almost more than I could bear. He was thrashing around and I worried for a minute that I might be hurting him. Pulling back, I said, "Did I do it right?"

"Oh God, Jodders, if you did it any better I'd have flooded you with cum already." He put his hands in my hair as I took him back in my mouth, trying to open as wide as I could to get more of his steely cock in my mouth, but my mouth was kind of small and I felt him graze my back teeth. That scared me. I didn't want this to be bad for him and teeth on a dick was not something I thought anyone wanted to feel, so I went back to his beautiful head and suckled at the skin some more, tucking my tongue under his foreskin and running it around the circumference of it. He was leaking quite a bit now and the more I played with his skin, the more precum pulsed out of his cock. At least he seemed to like what I was doing.

"Jody, baby…can we lay down, my knees are getting weak." 

"Sure Jules, you want top or bottom." My little Freudian slip didn't go unnoticed as I saw him chuckle, but he was too kind to reply.

"Just let me lay down and you scoot in here next to me, okay?"

We lay there for a while just casually stroking each other and kissing until something I had been thinking about for a long time this afternoon popped into my brain.

"Julian?"

"Hmmm…?"

"Would you fuck me?"

"What?"

"I want you to fuck me, Jules, to feel you inside of me. I've wanted it for so long, but I was so afraid. I'm don't want to be afraid anymore."

Julian's eyes got wide as I watched for his reaction. "Oh, Jody, sweetie…I'd like nothing better than to do that, but angel I don't think you're ready for that." 

"Why, I want you to." I felt naïve all of a sudden.

"And I'm flattered, baby, especially since I assume this is your first time, but anal sex is a pretty intense process and it requires a lot of stretching and prepping to make sure that you don't get hurt."

"But I love you; I want you to be my first."

"And I will, sweetheart, but not today…okay? Today let's love each other like this." With that he pulled me on top of him and pushed my hips down against him and his raging cock. I was sliding against him, my cock on his, my precum mixing with his and causing everything to slip and rub. I ground my hips into him and forced my cock harder against him.

"Oh man, that…feels…great," I moaned out loudly.

And just when I thought I was going to blast off all over Julian's abdomen and chest there was a knock at his door. I was horrified. Someone was out there—listening to us.

"Julian," came a voice through the door, "I need to talk to you."

"Fuck, Dad, not now! Come back later!"

I was flabbergasted. How could he talk to his father that way? But more than anything I was scared and my raging hard-on had now become a wilted little flower. How embarrassing.

"Jody, ignore it, please." Julian's cock had not suffered the same fate as mine, he was standing at full attention and his right hand was steadily stroking it. Maybe he was used to his dad knocking on his door while he was having sex (no, wait—I didn't want to think about that.) but I certainly wasn't.

"But your dad…he knows what we're doing."

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure he does, but God, I need you…please, baby, come back over here."

I thought about it for a second and seeing as how I really didn't want to quit what we were doing and I didn't want Julian to think I was a tease for the second time, I went back over to the bed. He grasped my soft cock and slowly started to stroke it again. It didn't take long before I became hard and after a few minutes, I climbed back on top of him and proceeded to pick up where we'd left off. 

When I'd been sliding against him for only a minute or so, he tensed up and his cock pulsed in between us, shooting a huge load (compared to how much I did) all over his chest and mine. He growled loudly, but I didn't think anyone else in the house would have been able to hear it.

I had either gotten him really worked up, or he had a lot of cum stored up in his balls and the sensation of his hot cum on my skin was all it took for me to shoot my load too. When I had come out of my stupor I lay my head on his shoulder, there was some cum there too and I licked it tentatively. Eeew…cold, yuck…much better warm, I thought. Nevertheless, I brought my lips to his and kissed him, hoping he wouldn't be grossed out.

Obviously he wasn't because he dove into my mouth like a starving man looking for his next meal, licking and sucking every bit of cum and saliva out of my mouth.

"Oh my God, Jody, that was so hot." 

"Thanks," was all I could think to say.

"God, I love you, baby," he muttered in a dreamy voice. My world was complete now. I'd had sex and he loved me. How much better could life get? That was all I could think of up until I had to walk past Julian's dad that night, with wet hair and rumpled clothes, knowing that he was quite aware that I'd just had sex with his son.

To be continued…