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The Polaris Effect Ch. 01

By: Riley_James



To the former Readers and Authors of Rainbow Community Writing Project ~ Thanks for always supporting the vision that helped me to achieve what became a very successful website, I wish I had been able to keep it going. Especially to Carey, Dick, Drew, John and Mickey, without you guys I would have just been another blip in cyberspace. Thanks for believing in me when no one else seemed to. If you have been to RCWP in the past, this story will seem familiar; it's one of my proudest achievements. Please Enjoy

Disclaimer: This is a continuing story about romantic homosexual love, if this is not your thing, please move on. R~J





Prologue

His eyes floated from the billowing curtains of green silk to the redwood deck furniture on his patio. The soft light of dawn was cresting the tips of the ancient eucalyptus trees in his neighborhood. His mind was spinning with images of past and present, jumbled together in a nasty mix of nightmarish and angelic winged creatures. Pillows of velvet grazed his fingertips as they danced on the ridges of the delicate fabric lining his stash box. They had emptied the contents early into the morning and the stupor from the potent imported products still hung over him. 

Summer was fast approaching, and the always-present maestros of the summer morning songs, the mocking birds, began to penetrate his haze. He toyed with the corner of the bottom of the box, the idea seeming more and more appealing in his drug-induced state. 

He glanced over to the form lying next to him and surveyed yet another nameless companion. Dark hair, long legs, not buff, but fit...every detail matched, every feature compared, but the face was never the one he was aching to see. The face he longed to wake with seemed to be forever out of his reach.

His body was numb, his mind, confused and miserable, he wanted to shut down, he hurt to the bottom of his soul, a resolution was so far out of reach that he couldn't even fathom it. The pills were in his hand before he realized how they had gotten there. He was slumped against the side of the bed, the false bottom of his stash box torn open and lying akimbo on the paisley maroon duvet swung across his hips. He felt the water cool his throat, knew that this was what he wanted. He felt the pills going down, memories of his teenaged room in Ashland and of all the sketches circling him in a cyclone, taunting him with that perfect adolescent smile and those eyes. The eyes he longed to look into, the mouth he longed to kiss, the firm shape and v of the back that trailed down to the hips of the man he had loved all of his life. The man he couldn't have.



***



She found him after the second day he didn't show up for work. She was scared, but at the same time livid, that he would give up so easily. He was mortified that she had found him in this state, but more than anything he was angry that he had failed. He had been sure that the combination he had stored in the compartment in the bottom of his treasured teak jewelry box would easily end all of the pain and misery he had been dealing with for all these years. 

Weeks after the attempt, it occurred to him that maybe the pills had outlived their life expectancy, kind of like he had in his own mind. Although the therapist was pretty cool and never forced him to talk about that night or about Ashland, he never volunteered anything deep inside that could help her to understand why he had felt so desperate that night. He returned to work, morning coffee, weekly dinners with the gang; holidays with his "adopted" family. If there were an answer, deep in his soul, someone else would have to find it.

***

Chapter One –Summer of Happenstance 



Ten miles outside of Klamath Falls, just past Pelican City sat the Klamath Indian Campgrounds where Jeremy Sandler spent every summer since he was eight.  This summer, after finally turning fifteen was his first there as a junior counselor. He had been looking forward to it for months now. Evan Jennings, his old friend and the Camp Director had called his parents in January to see if Jeremy would be able to come up a week early this year to complete the training program. 



Jeremy had always been a natural with kids. They gravitated to him whenever he worked with them in little league or even when he sometimes helped his mom out with his little sister's Girl Scout troop. He was happy about being able to work with the younger kids at camp this year. He could remember his first year and how he was alive with nervous energy just hoping that everyone would like him. If he could help just one kid get past that this year then it would make the whole program worthwhile to him. 

Evan met him at the gates to the property that enclosed the campgrounds. After scooting by with a quick peck on his mom's cheek, he grabbed his gear from the back of the station wagon she drove and waved to her in a hasty good-bye. Embarrassing as it was, Jeremy knew he wouldn't see his mom for six weeks and if he thought he could get away without a kiss good-bye, she would have proudly informed him that he was sadly mistaken. His family was very close and never had any trouble showing their affection for each other, but at fifteen Jeremy was at the "hands off" stage that included everyone in his family, but his mom. His dad promptly informed him one morning at the beginning of the school year last September that Jeremy was never too old to kiss his mother and show her the respect she deserved for spending her time raising her family.

The twenty-five year old camp director chuckled at Jeremy's downcast eyes as he approached him. Evan slapped Jeremy's shoulder and chided him as they walked down the dusty trail to the main cabin of the aging campground. When they hit the steps, Jeremy laughed too.

"I'm just glad I'm the first one here and no one else had to see that."

"Well buddy, I hate to burst your bubble, but you aren't the very first." 

Evan pointed to the opposite end of the long, wide porch that encircled the cabin. Jeremy's eyes lifted and saw a tall thin boy, his age, with a ton of reddish golden curls spilling from the top of his head, down past his shoulders. The new boy smiled, cautiously and then tentatively picked up his hand to wave. Jeremy smiled back and curiously felt his chest swell inside. He put up his hand as Evan started toward the young camper opposite them. 

"You comin' or what cowboy? Time to stretch those legs and get some exercise before everyone else starts showin' up." Jeremy snapped out of his trance as Evan's silly nickname for him stirred his memory of the first years he had been at camp. 

Evan had been a junior counselor during his first year at camp and Jeremy had wanted so badly to learn to ride a horse. From the time he had first convinced his mom and dad to let him go to the camp that's all he talked about, but when the time actually came for him to take his turn with the ponies that the local rancher had provided, Jeremy was petrified beyond words. Evan helped him through it by getting up on the pony himself and pulling Jeremy up with him. Jeremy had been shaking with excitement and fear and Evan just held him close and reassured him the whole way around the paddock that the ponies were kept in. Jeremy could still here Evan's voice as he became more confident on the ponies back 

"You're okay cowboy... see how easy it is... I am right here for you buddy."

Jeremy's face flushed with the memory of Evan holding him that day, and as he looked up to see Evan talking to the tall, willowy red head at the end of the porch a scary, seemingly sub-conscious thought crossed his mind. "I like guys!" Too insane to keep in his brain for long, Jeremy shook his head and caught up to his friend Evan and the new kid.

Evan introduced the two boys. "Jeremy Sandler this is Archer Finklin. Archer will be spending his first summer with us."

Arch grabbed Jeremy's hand as Evan was still talking. "Arch, just call me Arch. My father thinks I am going to be a lawyer some day, I think that's why he named me Archer." His cheeks were turning cherry red as he explained his name.

Jeremy thought it was cute and he could tell that this beanpole of a kid was a bit nervous, but he had a friendly smile that made Jeremy feel at ease. 

"Well, it's nice to meet ya Arch." Jeremy replied noticing how long and thin Archer's fingers were as they gripped his hand. 

"Hope you're ready to cut loose and have some fun out here this summer." Arch's hand released Jeremy's and the coolness that replaced it made Jeremy shiver. 

He couldn't figure out what was bothering him today, he felt an odd pull in his gut and he wished that it would just go away. In an effort to relieve his mind from the constant, wondering Jeremy launched himself off the porch all of a sudden, let out a whoop and a holler, and ran off for the riding paddock. 

Evan shook his head as he and Arch followed Jeremy at a leisurely pace, walking beneath the mammoth swaying pine trees that lined the trail to the horse barn. "Don't let that one scare you too much Arch, he gets like this in the beginning every year. I think the fresh air mutates his brain cells or something." Evan laughed and Arch looked at him quizzically as if to say, "Fresh air can't mutate your brain cells."  Evan continued to snicker to himself and thought... "Boy what a pair these two bookends are going to make!"

***

Before the rest of the kids who were signed up to be junior counselors arrived that evening, Evan, Jeremy and Arch crisscrossed the property, checking on supplies and animals, safety and sports equipment. The camp had a crew of adult counselors who would be arriving tomorrow and there was the staff that handled the cafeteria and the administration, besides a full-time nurse, but until then there was just the introduction dinner in the mess hall tonight for the JC's.

They joked and laughed throughout the day, Evan told stories about campers that Jeremy knew and some that he didn't.  When they started talking about the horses Jeremy cringed inside thinking that Evan would spill about his first encounter with the oh so gentle ponies. However, being a true friend, Evan would never embarrass anyone purposely. Jeremy breathed a huge sigh of relief as they checked out the paddleboats at the dock to make sure that all of them were sea worthy. The subject quickly turned to Maryanne Randall, a counselor who fell in last year while trying to rescue a frozen and freaked out seven year-old girl trapped just ten feet from shore. 

The atmosphere around the camp was light and relaxing. Jeremy quickly found that he liked Arch and they talked about their families and where they were from. Jeremy learned that Arch's family had just moved to the artisan community of Ashland from the San Francisco Bay Area. His dad was a lawyer and his mom was a nurse, who was studying to be a doctor. He would be attending Ashland High School with Jeremy for their sophomore year in the fall. The idea of seeing Arch's brilliant smile and unruly light auburn locks every day pleased Jeremy, although he wondered why he was feeling that way. 

The boys arrived back at the main cabin about four-thirty when Evan begged off showing them to Chilly Two, the bunkhouse for the junior counselors. He relied on Jeremy to show Arch where everything was in the small four-bed room that he and the other male JC's would be staying in for the next six weeks. The rest of the junior counselors had begun arriving an hour or so earlier and were all being settled in their own bunkhouses. Jeremy held the door open for Arch as they breezed through onto the dusty, creaky floor of Chiloquin Room Two. Chilly One, where the senior counselors slept, was air conditioned with a small kitchenette included. The younger boys were not afforded such luxury.

Jeremy knew the kid who was unpacking his trunk at the end of the cot next to the south window. Chad Turner had been to KIC the last two years. He was a beefy boy who played linebacker on the Ashland High football team and hung around with the popular jocks at Jeremy's school. 

"Hey Sandler, who's the scarecrow?" Chad bellowed from his corner, laughing at his own rudeness.

Jeremy regretted having to introduce Archer to this clod, but he knew somehow, they would all have to get along if they were going to spend six weeks sleeping in the same room. 

"Archer Finklin this is Chad Turner, football player extraordinaire." Jeremy figured that the compliment, backhanded or not, would ease Chad's abrasive manner for the first few minutes anyway.

Arch set down the bag he had been carrying and crossed the small room in less than three steps. He lifted his right hand and extended it to Turner, who looked at him appraisingly. Chad tentatively met Arch's hand and they shook in a half-greeting. 

"You play ball scarecrow?" Chad looked up to Archer's already towering six-foot frame. 

"Nope, sorry." Arch said. "I'm more of the artistic, scientific type." Jeremy was impressed that Archer didn't seem embarrassed by the fact that he wasn't a jock or daunted that Chad would think less of him because he was well... a geek.

"Artist, huh?" Turner sneered at Jeremy across the room, "You know what they say 'bout artists don't ya?" 

Jeremy was hesitant to reply, because he already knew what they did say about artists. There were plenty of them in and around Ashland and the feelings he had been having all day scared him more at that moment than ever.

"No, Chad, I don't! What do they say about artists?" Arch's voice was strong and confident. Once more Jeremy admired his backbone.

"Queers, usually!" Turner whispered almost to himself.

Jeremy's stomach did a somersault as he watched the scene unfolding across the room. Arch took a quick step toward Turner and launched an arm around the stocky football player's shoulder. "Really Chad? Is that what they say?"

Chad wiggled free of Archer's arm and stared him down hard. 

"Don't touch me again scarecrow, or I'll have to get rough with ya." Archer only smiled at him and turned his back on the homophobic boy, cascading over to the bunk next to Jeremy's on the opposite wall from Turner's. 

"Don't worry Chad; I'm just messin' with ya. I do play a little basketball, but I'm not very good. I guess I just wasn't born to play sports." Archer's voice still held no hint of uncertainty. 

Archer's smile was big enough to light up the room as the shadows of late afternoon crept across the floor creating a kind-of gloom in the old pine cabin. He wasn't making any excuses for sidling up to Turner and Jeremy was secretly glad. Turner bordered on being a bully and Jeremy thought to himself that Arch really knew how to handle himself around this brute.

Chad hurried through the rest of his unpacking, stuffing the contents of his suitcase into the trunk at the foot of his bed. Then he scooted for the door and announced indignantly, "I'm goin' to find Evan and make sure he got the message from my folks about me not havin' to do kitchen duty this year. I ain't goin' through that crap again."


Jeremy hated people like Chad, believing in stereotypes and just so sure that they were better than everyone else! Before this, Jeremy had never been exposed to him for any length of time, but now he was sure he didn't like the boy at all. They had never shared a cabin before and at school, Jeremy hung out with his next-door neighbor and best friend Jenny Kaplan and some of the other kids from student government. He ran track, but that didn't make him a jock, so he and Chad traveled in different circles. 

"You know you shouldn't worry about him," Jeremy said to Arch, trying to make his voice as steady as possible.

"Oh don't you worry about me Cowboy! As my old man says, people like him are a dime a dozen." Arch was smiling softly to Jeremy as he pulled polo shirts and gym shorts out of a leather bag. He carefully refolded each piece of clothing and placed them in the footlocker designated for his bed. 

Jeremy was having hard time breathing. His chest was tight and he couldn't quite focus on what Arch was saying. When he finally shook himself out of the haze he was in, he was just able to catch the last thing Archer had said to him.

"...so Cowboy.... you have a girlfriend?" 

Jeremy chased the cobwebs from his head and met Arch's stare point blank.

"No, no girlfriend." Jeremy retorted a little standoffishly. 

He wasn't sure why he was acting this way all of a sudden. In fact, he wasn't sure about anything since he had stepped onto the porch of the KIS Ranch house six hours ago. Something about Archer Finklin had unsettled him and he wasn't sure now that he even wanted to know what it was.

Jeremy knew that he had made Arch uncomfortable, but he didn't want to talk about it right now. He just wanted to get his things unpacked, get over to the mess hall, help out with dinner, and talk to Evan. Yeah, that was it, if he talked to Evan, maybe all of this would seem silly and pointless. He could always tell Evan anything that was bothering him.

Jeremy slipped the last of his things from his duffle bag. He put away the rolled up socks and shorts that his mom had meticulously packed down at the bottom of the army issued duffle that he borrowed from his dad every year. Then he took out his journal. As if transporting precious cargo, Jeremy slid the loosely bound book under his pillow. There was an unwritten rule at camp, don't mess with stuff under pillows.

He glanced sideways at Arch and sub-consciously expected to find him watching him. To his relief he saw that Archer was reclining on his own cot skimming through a magazine. Jeremy considered just walking out into the sticky summer evening, but his mother had taught him better manners than that. Plus, it wasn't that he was mad at Arch; he just didn't know what was going on in his head today?

"I'm goin over to the mess hall to find Evan, wanna come?" Archer closed his magazine slipped it into his trunk and followed Jeremy through the groaning screen door.

***

Evan Jennings looked up from the record player in the corner of the expansive space that the campers used as a cafeteria/dance hall. He wasn't surprised to see his favorite camper Jeremy Sandler and the new, lanky, vibrant boy come through the door together. What he was surprised at though was that they didn't seem nearly as friendly as they had been during the day. They walked a ways away from each other and Jeremy seemed to be in a rush to get away from Archer.

The cicadas chirped noisily in the feigning half-light outside the screened-in enclosure of the porch to his right. He knew there was a special bond developing between the two boys. He saw the sparks in Jeremy's eyes this morning as soon as he laid eyes on the dazzling smile that Archer Finklin flashed at him. Evan held just such a first glance deep in his memories, from a day in his past when a skinny young boy of twelve, first caught his eye on a summer baseball diamond not too very far from here.

Arch stopped at the table where bunches of the new junior counselors were setting. Jeremy could hear him introduce himself to the other teenagers and a small conversation ensuing about this being his first time here and everything there was to see and do. Jeremy felt himself tense up at the idea of Archer falling in with some of the older boys. He could easily see Arch fitting in with them because he looked so much older. Well, in his body maybe, but the face and the eyes still looked like a kid to Jeremy. Jeremy knew he was jealous and it only served to further distract and confuse him.

He made his way over to Evan after grabbing a Coke from the ice chest by the door to the kitchen.

"Anything I can do to help?" He asked the camp director.

"Thanks Cowboy, but I think we've got everything under control. Why don't you just relax and have a good time?" Evan knew something was definitely bothering Jeremy. His brows knit together in a scowl as he glanced across the room to where his new friend was standing chatting with some of the other counselors.


The Polaris Effect Ch. 01



"Evan, do me a favor, huh? Don't call me that anymore." Jeremy turned to his mentor and sadness emanated from his expression.

"Okay Jeremy, whatever you want kiddo." Evan put his hand on Jeremy's shoulder, leaned around him, and grabbed his own bottle of soda. 

"Want to walk outside with me for a few minutes." He said softly next to Jeremy's ear.  Jeremy did not answer him right away. His gaze was still plastered against the far wall where Arch was leaning on his left shoulder, happily engaged in a conversation with two blonde girls. His chest heaved inside and he could feel tears threatening to explode from him any minute.

He high-tailed it for the side entrance, where Evan had just slipped out into the encroaching dusk. 

"Wait, I'm coming," Jeremy hollered at Evan across the thick, grassy area where they set up the volleyball and croquet courts.

The older man stopped and waited for him under the line of pine trees that stood along the inside edge of the guest cabins. When Jeremy caught up, Evan starting walking again, slowly they made their way through the maze of cabins, the soft grass tickling their feet through their summer sandals. 

Jeremy knew where they were headed. The dock had been the site of many a chat between the two over the past seven years that Jeremy had been coming to KIC. As they approached the water, they could hear the boats softly rocking against their moorings and the slap, slap, slap of the small waves against the aging cedar that secured them in place. Evan sat in his usual spot with his back against one of the huge pillions. Jeremy sat next to him, but in the opposite direction and slipped off his shoes. His toes brushed the surface of the water, skimming the green gloom that would soon be as black as obsidian.

Evan sat quietly. He knew that when Jeremy was ready to talk that he would initiate the conversation.

Jeremy let out a heavy sign and slowly and deliberately chose his words.  "What do you think it would mean if I said I was jealous that Arch was talking to those other kids in there?" 

Evan let the question settle between them. He thought he knew where the conversation would lead in time; he just wasn't sure how long it would actually take. "I guess I would think," Evan said leaning his head back again the pillion and pausing, "that you want him to be your friend and you don't really want to share him with the other kids." 

Evan smiled to himself as he waited for Jeremy's reply. "So you don't think it's wrong for me to be jealous?" 



"Well, I suppose the best thing to do would be to ask yourself if you thought that it was fair to expect Archer only to be friends with you this summer. Do you think he shouldn't get to know any of the other campers?" Evan swung around next to Jeremy and dropped his feet in the water, sandals and all. 

Jeremy suddenly felt childish and stupid. He knew that he would never expect that of a friend at school or any of the friends that he had made here at camp over the years, but his heart was telling him that he wanted Arch all to himself. Yet his head was telling him that those feelings were strange and scary and that he shouldn't be having them at all. About a boy anyway!

"You're probably right Evan." Jeremy let out another earth-shattering sigh as he lay back onto the dock and sprawled there like a fish out of water. He stared out at the stars and wished, as he did every year, that his huge telescope at home would fit in his duffel bag. The North Star pulsed brilliantly at him and Jeremy thought of the pulling effect it had to the other stars around it, hence its name, Polaris. The other stars were drawn to it, just as he was drawn to Archer. Then he blew all the air out of his lungs, sounding very much like a horse. Still confused and exasperated with himself for not being able to understand what he was feeling. 

Evan chuckled to himself and thought of how stressful all of these new feelings must be to Jeremy, but he didn't dare cross the line of actually insinuating that what Jeremy might be feeling for Arch was infatuation. No, he needed to wait for Jeremy to broach that subject all on his own. He knew no matter how much it hurt him to watch Jeremy go through all of these feelings of self-doubt, that it was something he had to realize in his own time and with his own heart and soul, just the way every other person did who questioned their sexuality.

They sat there for a while and enjoyed the sounds and the smells of the lake. They reveled in the cool breeze coming off the lake and finally decided to go back to the party a few minutes later. As soon as they walked back through the door, Arch was at Jeremy's side. 

"Hey, you okay buddy?" Archer instinctively put his hand on Jeremy's shoulder. As Jeremy considered the other campers and Evan beside him, he thought about wriggling away as Turner had done in the bunkhouse that afternoon, but instead he swung his arm up around Arch's back and thumped him a few times between the shoulder blades.

"Yeah buddy, I'm great!" And from that moment on, no matter who was around, Jeremy always felt comfortable when Archer was by his side. 

Evan Jennings was a great counselor, a great humanitarian and a great friend, but to Jeremy Sandler that day he was something more, a voice of acceptance! Something that meant more to him than anything else up to that point in his life.

***



That summer flew by for Jeremy and Archer. Without the need to question his feelings any more, Jeremy just let what happened, happen. He never wondered if what he was feeling for Arch was more than a simple friendship, he simply had fun with him during those six weeks. Once the days began to grow short however, he anguished about not being able to see Arch every day anymore. He lay in his bunk and ran the memories over and over in his head of the things they did together and the moments that seemed absolutely perfect for them. 

Finally, when only three days remained before their scheduled departure from camp, Jeremy had stopped kidding himself. He didn't use labels to name what he felt for Archer; all he knew was that the happiest he had ever been in his life was when they were together. Somehow, before they left here, he had to tell Archer how important he had become to him. 

There had been times over the past several weeks when Jeremy had come very close to attempting to kiss Arch. As they sat on the dock one last time in the encroaching twilight, Jeremy stared at Archer intently. 

"Has this just been the best summer ever?" he beamed at his lovely young man.

Archer's eyes sparkled in the fading light. "Jeremy I have never had a best friend before. I have always been different from all of the kids at school and I like to do different things than they do, so I never even really hung out with anyone but my parents and their friends. I am so glad that I let my mom talk me into coming to KIC this year. I've never been so happy."

That was all Jeremy needed to hear. He smiled so wide he thought his cheeks would crack. Now he was sure, Archer must feel the same way about him and he just had to take that one final step to find out beyond a shadow of a doubt. He lay awake in bed the night before they were going home and came up with a plan to make sure that no one would be around. 

He would pretend to leave something behind in the cabin tomorrow morning, something that he couldn't live without if he left it. There was only thing that fit the bill, his journal. Archer watched intently from his bunk each night as Jeremy wrote page after page of his thoughts down in the worn spiral notebook. The pages were dog-eared and the cover had worn through in spots, but Jeremy didn't care. The process of writing down his thoughts, dreams, goals and aspirations was therapy to him. Although he did not know that was its singular purpose, he just knew he felt better when he had gotten everything down on paper. Of course, it was dangerous as well, if anyone ever got a hold of it and read the things he had written in there about Archer, he would be taunted and teased unmercifully. That scared him a bit, because as he lay on his bed that night concocting his scheme, he suddenly became aware of what the things he had written in there meant.

The words swirled around in his brain, gay, fag, homo; all those terrible things that people who didn't understand used to cheapen any love between two people of the same sex. Why did people have to do that, he wondered. Who are we hurting by loving each other? Didn't they teach us in church that above all things we are supposed to love one another? Isn't that what God commands that we do second only to loving him? He came to the conclusion that he didn't care what other people thought. All that mattered was that Archer was with him and that Jeremy now understood that he loved Arch very much. He knew his parents would understand; they always were. His dad might be a little shocked, but he didn't see his mom getting upset at all. He would just have to tell them when he got home.

Jeremy fell asleep late that night listening to the sound of his best friend breathing. He didn't know what was going to happen tomorrow and yes he was definitely scared, but he was determined to tell Archer how much he cared about him! As his eyes closed and a dream formed, he saw them sitting in one of the paddleboats headed for the center of the lake. People were standing all along the shore watching them and as they reached the middle out towards the small island, Jeremy took Archer's hand, leaned into him, and kissed him. A small amount of ejaculate burst forth from within him, causing him to wake with a start, go, and change his shorts. He remembered the dream, but was no longer scared of what might happen. Somehow he knew that whatever happened, it would all be okay.



...to be continued



The Polaris Effect Ch. 02



Chapter Two- Wayward Days

He checked his rear-view mirror as he pulled his two-year-old Honda out into traffic, glancing at his face momentarily as he drove. The lines across his brow and puffiness under his eyes were there again today. He attributed them, as always to the stressful work conditions he lived with as a computer programmer for a large law firm in Seattle. He refused to consciously admit to himself that there were deeper issues that he kept locked away inside, never to be dealt with in the light of day. To Jeremy Sandler, his job was the source of all of his stress. 

He flipped the radio to the local "classic rock" station. Classic Rock, HA... that always made him laugh! These were songs that while he was growing up made people do stupid things like squirming around on the floor of the gym, under the pretense of actual dancing. Songs like "Rock Lobster" and "Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman." Classic Rock was just a hook to make people turn to that spot on the dial and then stay there out of nostalgia. The songs made him feel good though. They reminded him of a simpler time in his life when everything seemed clearer and the future was always bright. Of course, there were the innumerable occasions when they played Air Supply until he thought he was physically going to gag, but then he could always slip in that CD he kept in the compartment next to the seat, hidden away in case of an emergency. 

He pulled up next to her in the parking lot at Sharkie's. He could see his friend, Alicia Tarentello inside "the bomb" with the rear-view mirror practically wrenched from its moorings on the windshield, while she adjusted her make-up. The 1963 White Chevy Impala she drove was her pride and joy. Restored and repainted by her brother Tony and her cousin Lenny in Vancouver, she told him the story many times of how she found it in the paper five years ago. She went to check out the ad and found that it had been garaged for more than thirty years by an older couple who had actually bought it new. The blue leather upholstery inside was pristine and shiny with attention, even if the paint on the outside was not. That was what sold her on it in the end, the feel of the soft worn leather. 

Jeremy loved to tease her about her "fetish for leather."

Her black polyester skirt crackled as she slid across the bench seat and out of the door to meet her boss. He leaned over and kissed her cheek gently, as not to disturb her earlier grooming.

"Mornin," he said with the cheesy grin that always managed to ruffle her feathers. Alicia was definitely not a morning person. They met every morning at Sharkie's, around the corner from their building to have coffee. This was only so that Alicia would be awake enough not bite the heads off of the live chickens that the partners sacrificed up to them every morning with their latest "schemes and ideas" for new tracking programs for their case loads.

She flipped the door to the Impala closed with her hip and sneered at him. 

"Do you always have to be so damn cheery in the morning?"

Towering over her petite five foot two frame, he rested his arm around her shoulder and whispered in her ear.

"I do my dear, for if I wasn't, I would be no more." He giggled finally, knowing how much she hated it when he went drama queen on her.

She playfully smacked his ribs with the back of her hand. They both knew he was secretly miserable, but it wasn't the time for that conversation now. They had a full day of facing the legal minds at Helsby, Lowen and Rubenstein in front of them and they would need all their wits and as much energy as two latte's could provide just to get through the morning.

***

Jeremy kept pretty much to himself at work. Alicia was his savior because he could always be himself with her. There were no façades with her. The mask he pulled down around most people lifted immediately when she was in the room. It's not that he was afraid that anyone there would find out that he was gay. Seattle was definitely the most accepting city beside San Francisco on the West Coast when it came to that, one couple in five here was openly gay. However, he didn't want to unveil his personal life to anyone he worked with. Years of disappointment and broken promises had left Jeremy slightly bitter and worn around the edges.

Their office was in the basement of HLR along with the company gym and lounge. It was the hell of all possible places for them because of the combination of smells that lingered in the gym and the kitchen of the break room. They had glass doors that enclosed their area, but if they kept them closed, the temperature and the humidity combined to create an indoor rainstorm. Something you really didn't want in place designated for computer servers and repair. This along with the fact that there was no visible light source, save the haunting hum of halogens, led the programmers to nickname their office "the dungeon."

Alicia had gone up to the fourth floor to do an intro class for the firm's latest guinea pigs in the typing pool. They hired ten to fifteen new temp workers every month to process the thousands of letters, research documents and legal briefs that came out of the paper mill that was a law office. They never lasted long. The long hours and volumes of monotonous work burnt them out in record time. Alicia was the poor soul who was in charge of getting them up to speed on the company databases and computing policies. A task she detested more than anything in her job description! 

Jeremy sat at his desk thumbing through a new issue of Comp World. A slight breeze ruffled the pages of the magazine causing him to look up from another article about the pros and cons of Instant Messaging in the work place. Presumptuous though it may have been, a young smooth hand reached across Jeremy's desk and stroked his hand softly. Jeremy's skin sizzled as though electrified. Robbie Helsby had the hots for him and he knew it. What he couldn't abide was the fact that he was the boss' son and a spoiled glamour boy who got absolutely everything he wanted, everything except Jeremy that was.

Robert Archibald Helsby, III was being groomed to take over the family business. With a recent Master's Degree from Stanford, Robbie had come to the firm six months ago as a junior partner, a position that any other lawyer would have had to scrap, kick and claw to get. The one little glitch in his daddy Robert's plans was that Robbie could have given a rat's ass about the firm or the law. All he cared about was that he had enough money to party, bar hop and seduce twinks from San Francisco to British Columbia with his stunning good looks and bulging bank account.

"Hey Jem, what's the haps?" Robbie's smile graduated slightly on his lips, making it resemble more of a smirk. It was closer to a sneer in Jeremy's mind and he shuffled his hand out from underneath that of the pompous, young stud. There was no denying the fact that at twenty-nine, Robbie was indeed not hard on the eyes. Dark curly hair cut close, soft hazel eyes and the face of something resembling a classic Italian masterpiece didn't hurt Jeremy's sensibilities much. The personality and years of privilege though, did not appeal to his sense of decency.

"Please Mr. Helsby, don't call me that." Jeremy answered him. Helsby was used to Jeremy's rebuffs.

"What is it Jem, that makes you so cautious of me?" Robbie sat down on the edge of the desk like an old friend cozying up for a long awaited heart to heart.

"I know you're gay, you know I'm gay. I know you don't have a boyfriend. The only person I ever see you with is that bitchface Alicia." Robbie's arrogance only served to infuriate Jeremy even more. In his book, you just didn't talk that way about people, even people you didn't like. Jeremy's mother had always instilled the tired old cliché on her children...if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. It stuck with him.

Jeremy knew he was walking a fine line. If he blew up at Helsby for insulting Alicia he could lose his job without so much as a blink of an eye. Not that it was a job that he saw himself in forever, but it helped to keep him in the style of which he had grown accustomed. Unpacked boxes and a smattering of ill-chosen antiques that he kept telling himself he was going to "decorate around." He gathered his composure and let Mr. Helsby III know in no uncertain terms that he was not interested in him. Well, that was what he intended to do anyway... what came out was something a little weak and weary and oh so much the way Jeremy felt about his life in general.

"Look Robbie, I know you're interested, but I really am not the person that you want to be spending time with, okay. Besides what are you going to do if your father finds out you've been hitting on the company computer guy?" Jeremy rolled his eyes as he used the term that the senior Helsby continuously adopted to diminish Jeremy's importance to the law offices. Robbie seemed to get the hint and made for the elevator doors outside of Jeremy's office.


"Never say never, Jem!" His brow arched as his face broke in a lecherous smile.

Jesus, did that man ever think of anything but sex?

***

That night as he sat alone on the sofa in his sparsely furnished living room, Jeremy thought back to all of the relationships he had experienced over his thirty some years. When he left his first love as an uncertain young man, he told himself that he wanted marriage and a family. That he wanted stability and a home. In his naiveté, he imagined that he couldn't have those things with the boy he had fallen in love with at summer camp when he was just fifteen. Even though he hadn't talked to Archer in ten plus years, he could still see him in his mind's eye. The height of a small tree, the golden red spirals of his auburn hair trailing down his back like autumn leaves threatening to escape the tether of their branches in a brisk wind. His lips were always so soft pink and were eternally imprinted in Jeremy's memory with the taste of honey.

His eyes became heavy and his head lolled back. He pulled a blanket down off the back of the couch and hastily covered himself, letting the memories flood into his mind, a thick fog of emotion settling in to encompass him for yet another night of dreams. Dreams of long ago...

He drifted in and out of sleep, still very aware of his surroundings. In the dream, the skin on his back was warm with the intimacy of an established mate. He was relaxed in both body and spirit, a gentle contentment he savored with reverence. He was filled with warmth and contentment that only a genuine lover, a life partner or spouse would give. His mind swirled with thoughts of security, of having finally found his one true soul mate. 

Tendrils of golden red hair tickling his cheek confused him. At six foot one, there weren't many of his lovers that were able to enfold his body with their own, but he was cognizant of a sprawling presence behind him; someone tall and thin, but with muscular arms and fine-boned hands. A surgeon's hands or that of an artist caressed his flank. And yes, a distinct masculine feature pressed against his buttocks, demanding its rightful attention. Full lips softly kissed his shoulder blade up and across the expanse of his back with a tenderness that he had rarely ever known, save one. 

Only one lover in his lifetime had been this attentive to him. Only one partner had given him his heart and soul, but that lover was gone now. His confusion remained. The sensual assault continued on his shoulder and neck grazing the secret spot that only his first love had taken the time to discover. The velvet lips made a path to his opposite shoulder. Time melted as though physics was not possible and they were bound in a passionate embrace, kissing lovingly. The kiss was luxurious, with no attention given to time or breathing. He returned the kiss, not able to understand how or when it was happening; only knowing that he was there with him and a heady euphoria consumed him at the revelation of who was actually kissing him. 

The sensations in his body fired with the electricity of impending penetration. He was alive with heat and emotion. Strong arms enveloped his shoulders. The sensitive skin of his neck shivered as though rose pedals were brushing against them, but they were lips softly kneading the crux of his shoulder and neck. Their fever of their lovemaking rose and he lifted his hips, securing his well-muscled calves around the back of this perfect man. 

The pulse within him was another mountainous high as the beautiful face before him told him with his expressions what words could never say...

"I'm here Jeremy. I've always been right here with you."

This couldn't be. Questions spun in his brain muddling it with uncertainty. He knew he wasn't nineteen anymore. If he wasn't dreaming, this was impossible. At that moment, he snapped awake. He could no longer feel the warmth or the euphoric love. He was a grown man now and he didn't have a lover, he knew in his heart that no one was there. Weeping silently, he glanced at the empty space around him. 

"Alone... I'll always be alone." He whispered to no one in the dark and although he knew that physically he was not with Archer anymore, the imprint of his soul would retain that love, those feelings and overwhelming emotions until the day he died. Archer was a part of him. He had tried to hide from that fact for years now, but his sub-conscious refused to acknowledge it and slowly it was filtering its way through to his every day reality.



The Polaris Effect Ch. 03



Chapter Three – Sunrise

From the futon in his front room, Archer Finklin could see the sun cresting the Berkeley hills. The more brilliant oranges and pinks from the streaming sunlight reflecting off the morning fog from the bay were slowly replacing the periwinkle blue of dawn. His head lolled back onto the pillow and a tear slipped down his cheek, pooling in his ear. For every breathtakingly beautiful sunrise he witnessed, there were the memories that haunted him of the sunrises and sunsets that he had once shared with his soul mate. 

He closed his eyes and thought of all the drawings he had done of Jeremy over the three years that they had been together. How many of them had the backdrop of a beautiful scene in nature? Arch had hunted the most romantic, seductive locations to draw his lover. They had made mad, passionate love in some of those spots, away from the prying eyes of their parents and the world. Each and every portrait had plastered the walls of his bedroom in Ashland. 

His breathing became slow and even again as he slipped his heavy, earthly bonds and lapsed back into the heavenly repose of dreams.

...the artist could barely see the name of the book that his subject was reading. Perched on the planter, peering around the corner of the science building, his pencil glided along the porous, ecru colored composition until a shape became evident. His unknowing model stared intently at the content of the exhausted volume of text, flipping his bangs out of his eyes every thirty seconds or so. This act in itself made the head; face and hair come to life in the sketch and seemingly jump off the paper. He worked tirelessly for a few more minutes, lengthening the arms and legs into proportion and then stole away from the scene so as not to be discovered. 

He arrived in his haven, anxious to put the finishing touches on his newest masterpiece. He bent close to the sketchbook and made tiny corrections to the eyes and nose, not wanting them to be out of sync with the rest of the face. The eyes were always his problem. He wanted to draw them huge and alert, to portray the pools that his sub-conscious drowned in every night while he slept. He fussed with it for a little while longer and then quit when he was afraid he had overcorrected. He pulled it from the binding and quickly pinned it up with all the rest.

The dream morphed and he saw his young subject standing at the end of a long dock. He knew the setting, he knew the location, he recognized the well-defined butt in the 501's of his first best friend, his first boyfriend. He walked toward the dock, knowing what he wanted, knowing what was waiting... but as in most dreams; the more he walked the further away his favorite guy was. Then suddenly he was standing on a path, battered wooden cabins on either side of him. The boy was there again, bent down toward the ground, Archer reached out to touch his shoulder. Is he okay? The boy turned slowly and pitched himself forward into Arch's arms and then they were kissing. Yes, his brain screamed, he does love me... but just as he was the happiest, he thought he could ever be, the boy pulled away. Archer reached for him and caught the sleeve of his t-shirt, but a face turned back and he saw Jeremy's mouth utter the words in slow motion...I... can't... do... this...anymore...

The rude, blaring scream of the alarm clock brought him back to consciousness. His cheeks were wet with tears, as they often were when he woke after dreaming of the first time he and Jeremy ever kissed. He hunched his shoulders forward to brush the tears away. He slammed his hand down on the menacing appliance buzzing in his ear. He stretched his aching arms and legs out across the edges of the small couch. Archer looked mostly the same after the dozen or so years since high school. His hair, still golden red and streaming down his back was pulled into its traditional ponytail. Much of the time he looked like a direct descendent of Eric the Viking, statuesque and stately, just not quite as buffed as the pictures portrayed the fierce warrior to be.

He pulled his aching six-foot-five frame from the tiny piece of furniture and rambled for the bathroom. He habitually went to bed in his bedroom, but always seemed to end up out here on the couch in front of the wide French doors every morning. Sub-consciously he knew why he yearned to wake and see the sunrise every day, but when the sun finally crested, he returned to the reality of his life, boring and unfulfilled. Waiting and wanting for his one true love, never to be satisfied with much of anything.

He turned on the shower and waited a minute for the water to warm. As he leaned against the counter looking into his weary eyes, his reflection showed the strain of the years and his mind suddenly felt too tired to fight anymore, too tired to continue in this pointless, loveless existence. He reached for his medication from the cabinet above the sink, grabbed a cup of water and washed down the conglomeration of pills that kept him steady each day. What am I doing? Why do I keep trying to make everything work, when I know nothing will work without Jeremy in my life? 

The steam rose from the shower enclosure and alerted Archer to its readiness. He slipped beneath the water and let the pulse of the water massage his head and neck. Tears of desperation slipped from his overwrought eyes. Terrible images of his own demise slipped through his mind in rapid succession... His cold, rigid body laid out for the mourners to see. Jeremy next to him, crying inconsolably, unable to rationalize why this had happened or what he could have done to prevent it. 

Arch shook himself out of his reverie and scolded himself for slipping back into the old habits of depression. The meds kept him from contemplating suicide very often anymore, but lately it seemed that he just couldn't get away from the thoughts that he would be better off dead than suffering the way he had been since he turned nineteen. He knew the thoughts weren't right, but he had trouble finding any reason to fight them. He promised himself as he stepped from the shower that he would call Anne as soon as he got to work this morning. It was time to stop denying the inevitable and get back into therapy!

***

The circle of friends in Archer Finklin's life was a small one. He had been estranged from his parents ever since he and Jeremy had split up thirteen years ago and Archer decided that he didn't want to go to college right away. With his parent's both having high-paying professional jobs, his idea of traveling and letting time heal him, didn't go over to well with the Ivy-League grads. When they discovered four years later that he had enrolled at UC Berkeley, they tried to contact him. He never returned their messages and soon, they gave up altogether. 

Therefore, the only circumference of emotional ties that encircled his life was made up of friends. The people he had met in college and had finally allowed to become close to him populated his family. There was George Hutchinson and Landers Birch, both international exchange students from Great Britain, also a couple from the time they had come out to each other as best friends at age fourteen. Then there were the girls, Kylie Riordan a creamy-skinned, freckled-faced Irish girl who could have easily passed for Archer's sister and her girlfriend, Thea. Kylie had become friends with him after being asked a million times if they were related and finally decided to introduce herself to him at a café one Friday night during their first year. He blanched as she approached the table and though not intending to be rude had spilled out that he was gay, attempting to keep her from embarrassing them both by propositioning him. She laughed so hard, tears streamed from her eyes as she sat in the seat opposite him. After regaining her composure, she motioned across the room and introduced him to her lover, a very pretty, olive-skinned girl named Thea. After being burned so young, Archer did not trust easily and the friends who had managed to win his confidence had stayed in the circle of his life, close and comforting in the times when he felt he could not go on. 

And then there was Gia, of course. Gianna Blanchard had been his best friend and confidant for almost ten years now. They had seen each other through almost everything in that time, her boyfriends and his boyfriends, although Archer never got past the dating stage with any man or allowed them to get close to him in any way. Her broken engagement and his recent attempt to squelch his pain with the pills. They knew each other the way kindred souls do, hurting for each other, rejoicing in each other's successes, dying inside a little each day knowing just how unhappy the other really was and knowing there was nothing either of them could really do about it.

When he finally got his act together and got out the door and on his way, she sat waiting for him at a tiny marble table outside of the little café on Shattuck Avenue where they always met for morning coffee. He stooped to kiss her forehead, brushing her long black hair out of her eyes before he headed inside to get his espresso. She grabbed his forearm and squeezed, just a little sign of affection that they shared. He sat down instead of going directly inside, he could see that her eyes were puffy again from crying, just as his were. 

"What's the matter Gia?" It was a rhetorical question, as he thought that he already knew the answer, thinking of James' untimely departure.

"I'm pregnant Arch." She starred straight through him as the thoughts of panic and overwhelming dread crept through her tiny frame again. 

"Oh Gianna!" Flashes of red-hot fury seared Arch's nerves when he thought of Gianna's ex-fiancée and how he had bailed on her a week before their wedding last month. Reminding him oh so vividly of how Jeremy had walked out on him after their perfect three years together. 

"Baby, what are you going to do?" 

Tears poured from her dulled blue eyes. "God, I don't know! I just don't know." 

He reached across the table and grasped both of her hands in his, shivering with her in pain and agony against the impending emergency and the chilly Autumn wind skirting up off of the bay and in between the inclined streets of the Berkeley hills. She rested her head on the cold marble of the bistro table in between her outstretched arms and sobbed. Archer, not knowing what else to do, bundled her into his huge embrace and scuttled her away from the café and back toward her apartment. 

When they reached the two-story house a couple of blocks away where Gianna lived, Arch fumbled to retrieve her keys where she usually kept them on the elastic coil around her upper arm. She was totally out of sorts when she realized what in the world he was trying to do and finally pulled them from the pocket of the old navy pea coat she was wearing. He unlocked the door and ushered her inside without a word. She sat on the couch that she had long ago covered in an old tie-dyed sheet, and he went into the kitchen to make her some hot tea, something she always appreciated when she was upset. 

He came back with two mugs of her favorite Chamomile tea; she sat in the same place, her heavy coat still guarding her vulnerable form. Once the mugs were down and out of the way he sat down behind her and gathered her into his arms once again. She laid her head back against his chest and sighed heavily. His immense hand stoked her hair and her back in a vain attempt to soothe her. She nuzzled into him, trying to draw some strength from their bond. 

"I think I'm going to keep the baby Arch." Gianna sniffled a little as she actually made her decision in that moment.

Arch considered what to say next. He knew that she didn't want to talk about James anymore; they had an unspoken pact between them about volatile subjects such as Gia's flaky ex.

"Are you going to tell James, honey?" He continued to run his hand through her hair, softly, as he would have if comforting a child.

She pushed against his expansive chest just slightly and righted herself upon the sofa, "I haven't decided yet, Arch." Her eyes were so puffy that she instinctively closed them against the sting and strain of a night full of hysteria. 

Her eyelids dipped and she yawned. "Right now I think I had just better get some sleep though. You go on to work and I'll be fine," she assured him.

"Okay, honey. I'll just call and tell them I'll be a little late this morning." He sneaked away from her to use the phone in the kitchen. He could hear the shower start and figured a good hot shower would calm her nerves.

He dialed the number and waited for an answer.

As he knocked on the bedroom door, to make sure she was decent; he recognized the soft sniffles and knew she must have been crying again in the shower. He knew she must feel desperate and alone, just as he had felt when Jeremy tried to explain to him that he couldn't give up having a family to spend the rest of his life with him. The emotion was almost debilitating. He vowed, as he slowly opened the door, to be there for Gianna. To help her in any way he could and make sure that she never felt as lonely and helpless as he did the night he swallowed thirty-seven vicodin trying to end his pain, although not necessarily his life. 

He tucked her in and told her he would be back after work to check on her. He brought her a box of tissues and a glass of water with a couple of Tylenol. She took them dutifully and slipped down beneath the sheets, crumpling like an accordion.

His compassion for her swelled as he thought about the days he spent in bed after Jeremy had fled from him all those years ago.

And he asked himself again the same thing he had asked then," WHY? Why did this have to happen?"

***

The walls of gray and blue dusk in Archer's office served only one purpose today; pulling him further into a deep depression that could do him no good. He recognized the signs, no appetite, the need for seclusion and the constant state of exhaustion he had been feeling over the past week. These were the beginnings of what he felt before the suicide attempt. After hours of simply staring at the architectural designs littering his desk, he gave up and called his old therapist's office. 

The receptionist who had always eyed him lustily when he was there for his visits before answered in her deep southern drawl. Archer could never figure out why a progressive, professional like Anne Baxter would hire someone as obviously uncouth as Ginny Welch.

Archer stifled his distaste and asked if Dr. Baxter had an opening in a day or two. 

"Only current clients are being seen at this time sir." Ginny's thick monotone cadence reverberated into the connection.

"I am a current client ma'am. My name is Archer Finklin and I would like to make an appointment as soon as possible. 

Ginny Welch cleared her throat and apologized heartily for her mistake. "Unfortunately, Dr. Baxter is full up this week Mr. Finklin. Can I make an appointment for you a week from this coming Thursday?" 

Archer knew that she was trying to be efficient and polite, but he wanted to scream at her. 'I might be dead by then you idiot.'

He kept his voice in a deep, even timber. "This is very important Ms. Welch; could you possibly have the doctor call me at this number at her earliest convenience?" Archer left the number and calmly replaced the handset on the cradle of his multi-line office phone.

He was gazing out the window onto the bay when his assistant announced a call from Anne Baxter.

"Hello Anne, I'm glad you got back to me."

"Archer my dear, how are you?"

He knew that she must suspect that he wasn't doing well at all, but as always, she let him broach the subjects when he was ready.

"It's no good Anne; I'm slipping back in again."

"Are you taking the meds regularly?" She wasn't accusing, she was merely probing for information as to the reason for the setback.

"Yeah, the Welbutrin twice a day and the Lexapro and Topomax once a day."

"Okay then Arch, you had better come in. Can you stop by here on your way to work in the morning?"

"Ginney said you were overbooked this week."

"I'm sorry Archer; I'll have a talk with her."

"It's okay Anne; I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay, and Arch... do you have my cell number?"

"Yes Anne, I know, I'll call you if I am thinking about doing anything stupid. Besides I can't let myself now, I'm going to be an uncle."

"Good Boy. See you tomorrow and you can tell me all about it."

Arch signed off and felt a little of the gloom lift from his chest. Anne always knew just what to say to him. She never patronized him or diagnosed him until he had said everything that was on his mind. 

He drifted in and out, as he sat at his desk for the rest of the day. He was seeing Jeremy's tall muscular frame lying naked on a fluffy white nest of bedclothes when the intercom buzzed on his phone just before five. He practically hit the ceiling. 

"I'm leaving now Mr. Finklin is there anything you need before I go?" His assistant Courtney queried through the speaker.

"No, thank you Courtney. I'm off here in a minute or two myself."

He gathered his things and fought to find the strength to go and sit with Gia. He knew that somehow he had to find a handle to hold onto, if only to be available for her in her time of trouble. She had been such a godsend to him after he tried to kill himself that if the only reason right now he had to live was to help her, that had to be enough.

He saw her side of the old Victorian lit up like a Roman Candle as he approached from the street.

"Good, the Cavalry is here." He said aloud to himself, seeing that his earlier phone call had proven fruitful.

He rapped twice on the old purple and pink pane glass door and opened it to hear the confusion of five voices talking at once. That was one thing he could always count on with his friends; he never had to be much of a conversationalist. They all talked so much, he had to say nary a word.

"Hi honey, I'm home." Arch shouted over their clambering.

Gianna looked up from her place on the couch and threw her arms up in the air. He moved over to her, sat down, and held her tight against his massive chest. 

"Thank you so much for making sure I wasn't alone today Arch. I don't know how I could have gotten through the day if these yahoos's hadn't shown up."

"Hey!" Shouted Thea from the kitchen, "We heard that."

"Yeah," Landers interjected, "I resemble that remark!"

They all laughed. Arch watched Gia's face slowly spread into a warm smile. "Can I talk to you for a minute in the bedroom?" He asked her quietly next to her ear.

"Sure, I need to stretch my legs anyway."

"Ky, Thea," she warbled on the way past the kitchen "don't burn the place down, k?"

Kylie piped up from the other side of the refrigerator door. "What we can't cook, we can't burn!" 

Gia opened the door and shuffled through. She was wearing a tattered UCB sweatshirt and a pair of flannel boxers, thick woolen socks and furry purple slippers. Archer chuckled to himself at the atrocity that was her ensemble, her clothes like "comfort food." He softly closed the door as she sat on the edge of the bed.

He flopped down next to her and threw his arms to his sides. Their most intimate talks had taken place cuddled up next to each other before James had come into Gianna's life. 

Arch let out a heavy sigh. She shifted her eyes towards his. She knew this wasn't good. 

"I'm slipping G. The walls are starting to close in around me again."

She opened her mouth to ask what had happened, but he put a finger to her lips. 

"I know the signs now. I know that I can't just ignore them and I know I can't get through it alone. I called Anne this afternoon and I'm going over there in the morning."




The Polaris Effect Ch. 03



She was relieved at this and settled down next to him on the bed her head lying on his outstretched arm.

"I'm here you know?" She reassured him peacefully.

"I know you are. You always are, but now you have your own things to worry about. I don't want to add to your list of troubles. And I want you to know that I'm going to help you with the baby as well. I want to be there for you just the way you were there for me after the pills."

He pulled her closer and she put her head on his chest.

"It will all be okay soon Arch! You helped me to see today that I have plenty of friends and support and I have a feeling that this baby is going to be a good thing for me. I know that there is something good out there waiting for you too."

She smiled into the fabric of his dress shirt and then she felt the tears splash onto the top of her scalp.

"I hope so Gia, I certainly hope so." Archer closed his eyes and forced himself yet again to push the image of a strong, sandy-haired nineteen-year-old from his head.

...to be continued



The Polaris Effect Ch. 04



Chapter Four- Wondering Why...

Amy Sandler refused to admit any favoritism in her love towards her children. She loved all three of them equally; however, she let herself admit that her youngest had always been different and that they shared a very special bond. Jeremy had been small at birth, coming three and a half weeks early. Consequently, she paid close attention to the small boy as he grew. Now he was thirty and no longer needed protecting, but somehow she still felt as if his gentle disposition and graceful spirit needed keeping an eye on.

The year after Jeremy turned sixteen was the hardest of his entire adolescence. The letters from camp the previous summer had been happy and joyful. Jeremy had made a new friend and he was having the best time he ever had up there. He said that he was sad that Labor Day was approaching and the time for the camp was near to an end. But when he actually arrived home, there was no joy or happiness in anything he did. He was moody and sullen; not like him at all.

Once during this time, Amy wondered if Jeremy would ever truly be happy. Then almost a year later, he finally told her that he was in love with his best friend and that they wanted to date. She was a little apprehensive, but only to the point of wanting to protect him from harm. She could tell the two boys genuinely loved each other. The deep longing and love she saw in their eyes was apparent as they gazed at each other the day they confided in her and her husband that they were gay. She knew that they faced a hard road if they planned to stay together, but she would do everything she could to protect her offspring and help them when they needed it. 

The boys were happy once they were finally together and even though they fielded their share of smirks and catcalls they had spent their last two years in high school as a couple. Amy had to come to think of Archer as one of her sons. She loved him and wanted the best for him, just as she did any of the children she had physically carried in her womb. Then right before Jeremy turned twenty came that awful day when everything changed. Jeremy had been in a foul mood for weeks and at a Sunday evening family dinner, Archer was conspicuously absent. Jeremy announced to his family that he was leaving Oregon and moving to Seattle. That he needed some time and some space from his family and from Archer. 

She loved her son dearly, but her heart broke for poor Archer. He was a caring, loving soul; a little naïve about some things and she couldn't imagine how he must have been taking this. Archer had shared with her in the past that he wanted to be with Jeremy forever, that even though they couldn't get married, he already felt as though they were committed to each other. Jeremy obviously had some doubts. 

Amy never questioned her son about the breakup. He moved to Seattle, got his degree and went to work as a programmer for some big city law firm. That was ten years ago and now they never saw him anymore. Every once in a while Amy would start to feel sad for the loss of her "adopted" fourth child. She kept up with his parents until they moved out of the area, but somehow she lost track of Arch. 

On those gray Oregon mornings when she sat alone in her cozy kitchen staring out the window at the magpies and finches hopping along picking fruit between the blackberry vines covering the aging railroad trestle at the back of their property, she would feel her heartstrings pull for happier times. She would remember days watching the boys eating breakfast at their kitchen table before school, playfully swatting at each other or even stealing quick kisses they thought she never noticed. Coincidentally it seemed, every time this happened to her, she would get a call from her youngest son. Jeremy would chat about work or some new piece of furniture or art he had acquired, but she heard loneliness in the vacant echo of his voice on these forced social calls. 

She was out in the garden this afternoon, pruning the last of the dead rosehips from her award-winning bushes. The air was rich with the smell of smoke from fall leaves burning and there was a chill in the air. The sun warmed her back though and she felt comfortable in her thermal long-sleeved shirt under her "gardening" smock and her jeans. She heard the phone in the kitchen ringing and ran up the three small steps to her back porch door. When she got to the phone, she was breathless. It was Jeremy. This was the third time she had heard from him this month. As she moved to the sink with the phone cord wrapped around her shoulders, she shook the dirt from her garden gloves into the stainless steel basin and haphazardly pulled them off. They chatted for a few moments about family and her lovely garden this year and then she inquired how he was doing? Amy sighed heavily as she listened to yet another "canned" response from him about how things were going in Washington.

"What's wrong mom?" Jeremy queried from the other end of the line, hearing the restlessness in her voice.

She thought about what she wanted to say to him. Was there a way to get him to admit that things had never been right since he and Archer had split up without him hating her for meddling in his personal life?

She sighed again and fished a neutral question out there for him. "Honey, are you really happy up there in Seattle?" 

"Sure mom, why wouldn't I be," he wondered aloud.

Amy knew she was on shaky ground here. She had never once asked him anything about Archer in the ten years since Jeremy had left home. For some reason the veiled sadness in her son's voice made it seem like the right time.

"You know what I was remembering this morning Jem? That time when you were sixteen and you and Archer told Dad and me that you wanted to talk to us, alone! You were so scared that day, weren't you? You were worried about what we would say when you told us you had fallen in love with your best friend? I was scared too you know. I already knew in my heart that you two boys loved each other. My gosh you could see the love in your eyes when you two looked at each other. But your dad, I wasn't sure that your dad would handle the whole thing too well. But it didn't turn out too bad, did it? He was a little shocked at first, but he quickly got over it I think. He knew how good Archer had been to you after you guys made up. He knew your attitude and outlook had taken a 180 degree turn from the previous summer." She paused and listened for a reaction, she heard nothing but his even breathing. 

"Jeremy I know it's none of my business but it's just ...honey, you were so very happy then. And now it seems like you don't have anyone in your life to make you happy anymore." 

There she had finally said it. Something she had wanted to tell him for years now was out in the open. He would admit either that he was miserable or he would fume and scream about her butting into his life. She twirled the worn coil of the phone cord over her finger as she waited with apprehension, listening to him breathing on the other end.

"Mom, I... I..., oh God mom I don't know how you could bring that up?" It was as if she had purposely opened up his heart for all of the pain to gush out again. 

"Honey, look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to bring up things that make you even sadder, but I just wonder if maybe you leaving might have been a mistake." This wasn't what he wanted to hear, she knew. He had always been hypersensitive to criticism and what she had just said meant that she thought he had made a mistake about the most important decision in his life. 

"I gotta go Mom; I can't talk about this right now. I'll call you this weekend, okay?" Jeremy sounded as sad and lonely as she had ever heard him. 

She knew that he had started to sniffle a bit and didn't want to embarrass him any more than she already had, but she was sure that he needed to reassess his current situation and make some changes before it was too late. If he was mad at her about it that was just a chance she would have to take? 

"Okay honey, I'm sorry." She waited for him to say good-bye, but all she heard was the disconnection and buzzing in her ear. 

Amy Sandler loved her children dearly, but this one... this one needed a swift kick in the butt and she gave it to him as softly as she could manage. She prayed that for his own happiness, he would at least consider what she had said. 

***



Jeremy could hardly breathe as he hung up the phone from what was suppose to be a routine call to his mom this afternoon. Although he was thirty years old, he suddenly felt the anticipation and uneasiness in his chest as he had when he was a teenager and was never sure of anything, except of course, his love for Archer.

He sat in his study for the longest time just staring off into space. He could still hear her words rattling around in his head. ... you were so very happy then.

Yes, he was happy! He had struggled with it that whole year after camp to admit to himself that he was gay, that he was in love with another boy. Archer, his Archer... O God what did I do? I loved him so much and I worried so much about what the world thought that it changed my mind for me. He was beginning to feel despondent. He slipped from his rolling desk chair and fell into a fetal position on the beige Berber carpet of his plush Seattle townhouse, rocking back and forth, remembering the face of the boy he had loved all of his life. 

Everything had changed with just a phone call, just as it had all those years ago.

***

After a whole year of not speaking, Jeremy finally got the nerve to approach Archer at school in the fall of their junior year. They easily fell into their friendly banter and after a few weeks, Archer told him that his parents were going to a conference in Chicago that weekend and asked if he would like to come over and stay the weekend. 

Jeremy was overcome with a mixture of feelings the night when he was supposed to call Archer to get directions to his house. He was scared beyond belief, but he was also excited that he might finally be able to tell Archer what had happened on the last day of camp the year before. He dialed the phone as his stomach flipped over one last time. 

"Hello." A soft-spoken voice breathed heavily into the phone.

"Hey Arch, it's me Jeremy. Did I wake you up dude?" Jeremy knew it had been too late to call.

"NO, No, don't worry about it. I just was lying here and I must have fallen asleep." Arch sounded a bit flustered.

"You know I can call later if you want?" Jeremy almost suggested that they talk at school tomorrow. 

"It's really okay Jeremy. I don't mind at all, REALLY!" Arch stressed the last word and waited for Jeremy's reply.

"Oh, okay. Well I was just wondering if you could give me directions to your house. You know for this weekend." There were a million other things that Jeremy wanted to say at that moment. 

"Yeah, yeah. No problem! Do you know how to get to the Linden Hills Country Club?" Arch quizzed. Jeremy affirmed and Archer continued to give him the directions. There was a long pause when he was through. Arch finally took a deep breath and asked the question Jeremy had been dreading for a year.


"Jem, why did you stop talking to me after camp last year?" Jeremy thought that he could hear Arch sniffling softly on the other end of the line. His heart broke at the very idea that he could have caused pain to the very person he adored so ferociously. He didn't want to dredge everything up tonight. They had school tomorrow and he had soccer practice. If he didn't get his sleep tonight he would be a wreck again tomorrow and then his mom would never let him spend the weekend at the Finklins.

"You know what Arch; I think that we had better talk about this when I get there tomorrow night, okay? I know that I hurt you Arch, but I want you to know one thing..." he pulled together all of his courage and let his heart talk this time instead of his head. "I never stopped thinking about you."

There was another long pause and Jeremy heard Archer's sniffles subside. "Really, Jeremy?"

"Really, Arch. See you tomorrow night after practice, okay?" Jeremy felt a little better. "Night."

"Good night Jem." The receiver buzzed in Jeremy's ear as the call was disconnected. 

He got up from his desk and stripped out of his clothes, tossing the dirty ones in the general direction of the hamper in the corner of his room by his closet. Fate was playing out its hand and Jeremy knew now that there was not going to be a way to keep this whole thing platonic. He was going to have to come out to Arch tomorrow night and he was going to come clean about his feelings for him as well. Damn the consequences. That year or two he thought he would be waiting to tell his parents and the rest of his family about his sexuality was suddenly on the fast track to the here and now, and frankly, it scared him to death. However, the thought of finally getting to tell Archer Finklin that he had loved him for the past year outweighed every other panic or concern he had.

Jeremy picked up his gym shorts that he always wore to bed from the drawer in his dresser and climbed under the covers. He switched off the lamp on his nightstand and closed his eyes waiting for the dreams to come again, dreams of Arch. Of his curls and his smile and everything else that went along with the wondrous creature of his affections. Jeremy reached under the waistband of his shorts and stroked his developing manhood. He fell asleep with his hand wrapped around it, too tired to finish himself off. The dreams would take care of that for him.

***

The Finklin's home was nestled against the top of the hill in Linden Estates. He saw exactly what Arch's parent's education had afforded them. This was no tract house in the suburbs. This was the epitome of luxury. The front of the place was encased in floor to ceiling windows, only come to find out that the façade that Jeremy had guessed was the front was technically the back according to the architect that had designed it. The windows furnished the Finklins with the view of the back of the hill, sloping gently down into a meadow that was frequented by deer and rabbits and other inquisitive wildlife. The front door faced a gap in the gentle precipice of the rise, which overlooked Ashland itself. 

He parked his car behind the outdoor parking structure holding an SUV and a sporty little car that Jeremy assumed to be Mr. Finklin's. He wasn't quite sure what it was, but it looked European and older than he was. Archer appeared out of a doorway to his left and hollered for Jeremy.

Jeremy grabbed his gym bag and headed toward his friend. When he got to the door, his heart skipped a beat. Arch was standing there in khaki's that looked as if they were going to slip from his hips at any second. Arch was built like a tree trunk as Jeremy had noticed before, but what he hadn't ever noticed was that his shoulders were starting to fill out and his pectoral muscles had become truly well defined for a sixteen-year-old. Maybe it was because Jeremy hadn't seen Arch without a shirt on in a while. He looked so sexy standing there that Jeremy had to gasp for a breath. 

"You comin' in or what?" Arch finally said as Jeremy stood there staring.

"Yeah, sorry." Jeremy stuttered again and followed Archer into the family room.

"You want the 10 cent tour?" Arch seemed so casual about the grand palace that Jeremy saw around him. There was a stone fireplace in the family room and the mantle seemed to be hand carved out of some kind of richly dark wood. Maple or walnut he assumed. Turned out to be Mahogany and very expensive. The tour guide sauntered toward the back expanse of the first floor pointing out this and that and finally stopping if front of a long, wide staircase. 


"My room is upstairs, you can stow your bag up there." Jeremy padded up the stairs behind the boy he loved, staring with desire at the little butt of the tree trunk. "God how I want to touch him," he thought to himself. Either Jeremy's dreams were about to come true after a year of waiting or he was going to have a nervous break down with disappointment. He could hardly contain himself when they came through the door of Archer's bedroom. Flashes of a dream Jeremy had yesterday rolled around in his brain. He was physically standing in a circular room with glass walls opening out onto a deck supported by the huge oak trees that encompassed the modern house. 

"Wow Arch, this is incredible. How can you ever sleep in here, I would be looking at the stars from here every night?" Jeremy was truly in awe. 

"It's no big deal really." Arch understated the grandeur of his parent's house and of his own bedroom. "I guess I'm just used to it." 

"If I brought my telescope up here, it would be fabulous. Without the lights from town we could see the whole galaxy from here... or just about anyway." Arch chuckled at Jeremy's naïveté. 

"We can go down and get it in the morning if you want you know." Jeremy whipped around from the windows and stared longingly into Archer's eyes. 

"You mean it bud?" Jeremy was almost speechless.

Archer placed a hand on Jeremy's shoulder, "Sure, why not?" He was waiting for a reaction from Jeremy when he finally realized what it was that covered Arch's walls.

Jeremy was looking at Arch's wonderful blue eyes, but the walls had suddenly caught his attention as well. Covering the entire span of Archer's rounded room were hundreds of pencil sketches, and as he scanned them, one to the other he suddenly lost his cool. All of them were of him. They started from last year at summer camp. There were ones of him swimming and kayaking, eating dinner in the dining hall and giving the little kids piggyback rides. The ones closest to them and above Arch's student desk were recent; out in front of the school waiting for his brother to pick him up and tons at their last soccer game against Medford. Jeremy couldn't think fast enough, but finally it hit him like a ton of bricks... Archer wasn't mad at him....no, that wasn't it at all, he liked him.

"You did these? All of these...? Of me...?" Jeremy looked over at his friend to see his eyes diverted to the floor. He was slowly shaking his head in the affirmative.

"Are you pissed Jem? Do you hate me now?" The voice that came from Archer was soft and broken. He still couldn't bring himself to look at the boy he had secretly admired for so long now. 

Jeremy slowly closed the rest of the gap that was between them. He reached out with his index finger and titled Archer's face up toward him. Since Arch was about four inches taller than Jeremy was, he had to lift up onto his toes to reach Archer's face, but he was determined that now was the time to make everything right. With his stomach churning and his hands shaking, he slowly and sweetly kissed Archer Finklin for the second time in his life.

Arch's lips were soft and warm. Jeremy lingered just long enough to gage whether the other boy was going to pull away or not. When he didn't, Jeremy brazenly slipped the tip of his tongue into Archer's sweet, hot mouth. He encircled Arch's waist with his arms and held on tight. He toyed with the tip of Archer's tongue and his friend tentatively responded. The sensations were overwhelming. He had fantasized about this and wished for it, but nothing that he could have imagined compared to the feelings he was having presently holding and kissing the boy of his dreams. They rocked in place as they continued to kiss. When they finally separated, Jeremy answered Archer's question.

"No, Arch I don't hate you...far from it." Jeremy's smile was broad and sweeping as if painted by one of the budding artist's many watercolor brushes. 


Archer moved to the bed and sat down shaking his head in disbelief. 

"You okay bud?" Jeremy was suddenly concerned that he had read the whole situation wrong and Arch really didn't LIKE HIM. 




The Polaris Effect Ch. 04



Arch looked up into Jeremy's face and smiled his trademark half-grin at his friend. He reached for Jeremy's hand and pulled him down next to him. His arms, long and lean wrapped around Jeremy's body, slightly crushing his shoulders. 

Archer stroked Jeremy's shaggy brown hair and twisted his fingers down around Jeremy's ears and to his neck and throat. He traced along his collarbone and Jeremy shivered with delight. Arch lay back on the bed and Jeremy crawled up alongside of him and continued their kissing duel. They languished in each other's tastes and scents, gorging themselves on each other until at last they were sufficiently glutted, for the moment.

Arch spoke first. "Jeremy I just don't understand. If you've felt the same way about me all this time, why did you stop talking to me?" His face was a mixture of emotions. The year of what he assumed was rejection pulsed in his stare at the beautiful boy before him. 

"I thought you hated me." Jeremy looked at the bedspread instead of into his friend's face. He couldn't stand the look that had taken up residence there.

"Hated you, my God Jem, how could you ever think that? I've spent the last year wondering what I did to make you run away from me." Arch couldn't believe what Jeremy was saying.

Jeremy pushed himself up on the bed and crossed his legs, sitting Indian style. Thinking of everything he had wanted to say to Archer for all of this time, he slowly put a summary together in his mind. 

"Arch do you remember that afternoon on the last day of camp?" Jeremy's memory again grasped the image of the stolen kiss that he and Archer shared that day on the path back to their cabin.

"God Jeremy of course I do. I'll never forget that day for the rest of my life. I was so happy for that one instant and then you ran away and I thought I had done something wrong." Arch's smile disappeared again, just as it had on that day when they were still at camp.

Jeremy's heart was breaking at the familiar expression on his friend's face. He dreamed of the "look" that Arch had given him after the kiss, over and over again until he couldn't think of it any longer. 

"Arch, I am so sorry that I did that." When he saw the smile he was waiting for cross his friend's lips he spoke again, reached for him, and pulled Arch to him. With Arch's head lying in Jeremy's lap, he continued telling him about what had happened in his own mind that day.

"When I woke up that morning, all I could think of was that there had to be some way to tell you how important you had become to me. After spending every day together for six weeks, we weren't going to be able to see each other but once in a while when school finally started. My stomach was a hurricane of motion and I felt at any moment I might throw up. I knew that boys weren't supposed to love other boys, but that was the only thing I could think of that morning." 

Jeremy was now twisting Arch's curls through his fingers, just as he had imagined doing for hours upon hours in his fantasies. A single sigh escaped Jeremy's lips as he continued trying to make his friend understand just how desperate he had felt.

"I knew that in my family, when you missed someone terribly or you wanted them to know how much they meant to you, you showed it by hugging them or kissing them. A hug was nice, but it didn't seem like enough. I talked myself into thinking that if I felt all these things for you that you couldn't hate me for how I felt because you were my friend, my best friend, and friends always supported each other through thick and thin." He paused trying to gather his thoughts. After a few moments, he began again, slowly.

"I couldn't bring myself to eat breakfast that morning, I think you even asked if you could finish mine if I wasn't going to eat it and I knew that before we left, somehow I had to get you alone to say good-bye, just the two of us. So I thought back to a plan to go back to the cabins because I had forgotten my journal. You knew I couldn't live without my journal from that summer and I was sure that you would help me look for it. Then when I stopped to tie my shoe, I had the perfect opportunity. But no matter how much I WANTED to tell you how I felt, the words just wouldn't come out. I stuttered and then I forced myself to go ahead and do it." Jeremy's head slowly lowered until his forehead rested on Arch's. 

"I closed my eyes and kissed your lips and my head spun. I knew at that moment that I cared about you more than anybody else. Even if that meant I was gay. I knew that no matter what happened I would never forget that summer we spent together. Then I looked into your eyes expecting to see love and all I saw was confusion and what I thought was hatred. I stayed away during school because I knew you thought that I was queer and I didn't want anyone to find out." He was so remorseful about what he had done after finally finding the courage to kiss his friend that he couldn't look at him. Arch looked up from Jeremy's lap and found tears streaked across his cheeks again. He reached up with his hand and wiped the tears away.

"You know Jeremy, I have spent the past year thinking about that kiss and praying that someday I would get the chance to repeat it. Now that we have finally found each other again, I can forgive you anything." He smiled as he finished his thoughts and Jeremy's tears started to diminish. 

There was a thud on the bed. Archer lifted his head off of Jeremy's lap and a very skinny, white and black cat wound its way around Arch's outstretched arm. "Jeremy meet Brighty, actually StarBright of Linden Woods is his pedigree name."

Jeremy stroked the cat's back and looked quizzically at Arch. "Star Bright? That's kind of a funny name for a cat." 

Arch laughed and told him the story of the cat and its sister's names. "Well his sister's name is Star Light and I bet you can guess where they came from?" Jeremy nodded as the old nursery rhyme came to his mind.

"Well... since we aren't hiding anything from each other anymore!" Archer's eyebrows crested at a point as he shot his friend an impish grin.

Arch continued. "My mom and dad were beside themselves when I came back from camp and wouldn't talk to anyone after I didn't hear from you that first week. My dad had a client that bred these Abyssinian cats and had a litter of kittens they were trying to sell. He figured that if I really needed someone to talk to and I wouldn't talk to them; then maybe having a pet would help. He brought these two tiny kittens up here to my room and laid them on my bed. They chased each other around and batted at each other and finally they broke down my barriers." He paused a moment and stroked the head of the strange looking Egyptian-bred feline.

"I scooped them up and held onto them as tightly as I wanted to hold you. The next day as they followed me down to the kitchen for breakfast, my dad asked me what I was going to name them. It was the first thing I had said to them in a couple of days. I said 'this one is Star Light and this one is Star Bright, they helped to make one wish come true, so maybe that means that more of them will.' 

"You see Jeremy I knew that you loved the stars, cripe it's all you really talked about the first week at camp and it was as close to you as I could get at that moment, so really the cats are named for you. And when I couldn't talk to you or to anyone else in the world, I could always talk to them."

Arch stood up and held out his rather large hand to his friend. "Let's go put a pizza in the oven, 'k'? They won't deliver way up here and I'm getting kind of hungry."

They walked to the kitchen holding hands. Each lost in their own sea of thoughts, happiness and sadness, longing and desire, regret and anticipation. They had so much more to say to each other, but for now, they needed to recover that lost year, just by being friends again.

***

When Jeremy woke up it was the middle of the night. He pulled himself slowly up from the carpet, went to his bedroom, and turned on the shower in the adjoining bath. He stood under the spray pulse of the showerhead and let all of the pain and regret of the last ten years drain out of him. He cried in huge earth-shattering jags, calmed some, washed and began to weep again. 

He had never pretended to himself that he didn't love Archer any more. He knew that the feelings he had for him were strong and intense. He only refused to let himself think about them. Consciously, he talked himself out of being gay for a grand total of three months after he moved to Seattle. He wanted to go back to Ashland and to Archer, but his pride and fear wouldn't let him; so he toughed it out. He started dating, there was no shortage of hot looking guys around campus when he was an undergrad and then by the time he was a grad student, there wasn't any time to think about Archer anymore. 

The dreams had always been the worst. He could visualize every contour of Archer's long, lean body. His placid blue eyes burned holes into Jeremy's soul every night. But then when he had gotten the job at HLR, the dreams weren't coming as often. Occasionally when he was feeling sad or particularly lonely he would feel his great young man haunting him once again.

And now what? What would Archer do if Jeremy tried to contact him? Where was he? Were his parents still in Ashland? He didn't think so. He seemed to remember hearing his mom mention something about them moving back to California. How would he ever find him, but he had to try, didn't he? Somehow he had to make everything right again. If he didn't he would never be at peace in his life, he would never be so very happy ever again. God, could he even bring himself to hope just a little bit that he might be able to find him?

Drying himself, he crumpled down to the bed and fell fast asleep. He didn't dream and he didn't cry. He slept soundly for a couple of hours, then after awakening with a start at hearing the loud pop of an engine backfiring on the street, he flipped onto his back and starred at the ceiling. He ran the idea of trying to find Archer again over and over, until he had completely talked himself into it and out of it several times. Finally, close to dawn he fell into a restless haze, not quite sleeping and not quite awake. When the retched alarm clock blared at 6:30, he staggered from his bed and into the bathroom. His grayish green irises peered through the slits of his stinging, bloodshot eyes. In the large plate glass mirror above the double sinks next to the commode, his foggy brain registered the reflection of very sad, very lonely man. 

"How did this happen to me?" He pleaded with himself. "Do I get a second chance to make everything right?" He turned on the water and stepped into the cold spray of the shower, shocking all of his vital organs and snapping him awake fully. He turned the control toward warm and allowed himself to be slowly comforted. His head dipped down, causing the water to cascade down his body as he shivered. He prayed silently. "Dear God, I know that I don't deserve a second chance with Archer, but please...please God, let me at least see him again someday. If only to tell him how sorry I am."

...to be continued



The Polaris Effect Ch. 05



Chapter Five- Acceptance

As he remembered, the inside of Anne Baxter's office was pretty stark compared to the baroque styled waiting room she shared with the other therapists in this community building. Archer noticed a few very expensive antiques and well-known paintings as he sat and waited for Anne to arrive. He had gotten there early, not wanting to postpone the inevitable any more than need be. To his consternation, he had to endure the appraising looks from Dr. Baxter's trailer-trash receptionist as he nervously shifted his weight from one cheek to the other, unconsciously crossing and uncrossing his legs out of sheer boredom. Mercifully, Anne stepped through the front door in a flurry of scarves, raincoat and sopping wet umbrella. 

She huffed as she pushed the door closed behind her, "Archer, I am so sorry that I'm late. What a mess out there, I got caught at the bottom of the hill. You would think people had never seen a rainstorm in California before." 

She hurried to put her things away on a rack behind the reception desk and poured herself a cup of coffee. 

"Would you like something Archer? Coffee, tea, water?" She raised her eyebrow at him inquisitively.

"No thanks Anne, I had plenty this morning already." He set down the magazine that he held in his lap. He had never even opened it.

"Very well then, let's go into my office." She walked in front of him and he followed opening the door for her from behind her. He sat in his customary place against the far wall of the office, gazing out at the dark, rainy curtain that covered the city that morning. 

"So, how are you this morning?" She smiled her wide smile at him and waited.

"It's better today." He had taken his medication on schedule and the panic he felt yesterday was starting to abate.

"What do you think caused it this time?" She always took notes. Just for my memory, she told him the first time.

He didn't blanch as he usually did when she asked what the center of his unhappiness was, he frankly replied with a name. "Jeremy."

"Is this someone new in your life?" She calmly proceeded. He knew she wouldn't be shocked. She was too professional and too much of a humanitarian to judge.

"No, he was my boyfriend when I was sixteen." His shoulders sagged noticeably and a few tears started to squelch in the corners of his eyes. 

"How long were you together?" She slid her glasses back up on her nose and reached for the tissues, ever present on her desk. He took one and held it in his hand.

"Three years." He was not embarrassed to cry in front of her, she had seen him at his worst last year and had helped him to find that all life was too precious to waste.

She sat quietly and considered whether to prod any further or change the subject. She asked one more question, "Do you want to talk about what happened?" 

She sought out his pale blue eyes and found an almost pleading look in them. Whether he wanted to talk about it or not, she could see that this was indeed the center of all of his issues. She had known that he dealt with abandonment, but she had incorrectly assumed that it stemmed from his yuppie parents and their aristocratic lifestyle. Anne believed in the old adage, the eyes are the windows to the soul. Moreover, Archer Finklin's eyes were, at the moment filled with the most sorrowful kind of heartache she had seen in years.

He erupted into sobs and she moved to the chair next to him and held his hand. "Archer, I can see that this is very upsetting to you, but I am right here and I will listen to whatever you have to say for as long as you want to talk to me about it. Let's get through this together, okay?" 

He nodded his consent and she moved back to her desk and picked up her telephone. 

"Ginny, please clear my calendar for the morning. I will let you know later if the afternoon will be available. Thank you."

She told him that she would return momentarily and she came back a few minutes later with a glass of water. She moved again to the seat next to him and held out the glass to him. He took it and drank a small bit. He cleared his throat and began to tell her about the beginning of his and Jeremy's relationship. "The happiest two days of my life."

***

The trees outside of Archer's windows each morning were teaming with life. Little finches gathered nesting material, flying back and forth from branches with little bits of twigs, moss, and leaves. Mockingbirds tipped the very top most branches, singing their mockery of the rest of the community's songs. A couple of squirrels scurried up and down the trunk and into a knot close to the base filling it with the cylindrical fruit of the oak's harvest. The air was clean and crisp and the noise was only that of the nature that surrounded him. Dawn had just arisen and Archer watched as the mighty sun crested the peak of the little hill that hid the Finklin home from the rest of Linden Estates. He was truly at peace for the first time in years.

He glanced back at the animal print comforter that covered his best friend, now his boyfriend, lying on his side where Archer had left him an hour or so before. Neither of them had talked about what they were to each other now and Archer slipped back into the rerun of the events playing in his mind of the preceding night. 

***

Filled with pizza and soda, the boys sat at the kitchen table just staring at each other, the precipice of a year of misinformation hovering between them. Archer suddenly jumped up from his seat reached across the table and tapped Jeremy on the shoulder.

He screamed as he ran past him "you're it." Jeremy smiled like a kid again and chased after his friend, winding around the family room furniture and catching Arch somewhere close to the bottom of the stairs. Jeremy pulled him down and sat astride his waist, tickling him until Arch bellowed with laughter, feigning a heart attack with his motions. They rolled around on the ground, half-wrestling, half-exploring each other's bodies.

When they broke the competitive wrestling grip they had on each other, Arch's lips were close to Jeremy's. He reveled in the freedom of just being able to reach out and kiss him if he wanted to. Both of them were panting and out of breath from their frolic and sweat beaded on their brows. Arch's chest was still bare, having never donned a shirt since Jeremy arrived. The muscles in his arms burned slightly from the exertion of their sparring match. Gradually he inched his mouth onto Jeremy's and initiated another exploratory French kiss. 

"Mmmmm..." Jeremy moaned... his physical delights were also abundant. However, his head swam with a bevy of thoughts including a bit of guilt and trepidation.

He had lied to his mom about their supposed supervision this weekend and now they were locked in a passionate kiss that could have easily been considered foreplay. He stopped himself from thinking too far ahead. And tried to enjoy the moment of comfort he was feeling with Archer wrapped around him. 

Archer extricated himself from the tangle and stood up. "I have Nintendo in my room, wanna go upstairs and play Missile Command? It's ancient, but it's my favorite." 

Jeremy nodded and Archer extended his hand pulling Jeremy up and into his strong arms. They kissed again longingly, telling each other what their words were too nervous to say. They climbed the stairs and made their way to Arch's bedroom. Jeremy stopped next to Arch's desk, stripped off his sweat-soaked shirt and dropped it on top of his gym bag. Archer glanced at Jeremy's half-naked form and smiled to himself in approval.

The far wall to Jeremy's right had dozens of shelves distributed evenly across it. Most of them were stacked to the gills with books of some kind or another. Bigger volumes even looked as if they might be medical books, but the rest were covered with Arch's TV and stereo equipment. A spark of jealousy erupted in Jeremy momentarily but he quickly pushed it aside, gave Arch a quick peck on the cheek and sprang for the bed. He bounced to the middle of the queen-sized mattress and waited for Archer to set up the game.

"Come on man hurry up." Jeremy's teenage energy buzzed within him.

Arch quickly slipped the cartridge into the console and pulled the controllers back toward the bed. He hopped up next to his friend, all the time trying to keep from tripping on the cords. They set up for head to head play and immersed themselves in the video world of spaceships and cities, aliens and battles. 

Jeremy's intense competitive spirit spurred him to challenge Arch to game after game. When Arch had him beat by five games, he got bored and asked what else he had. 

"I have a bunch of retro stuff. My dad and I play em together." Archer got up and grabbed another game. He tossed it Jeremy and took the current one out of the game console. "Ever play Centipede?" Arch asked him from over his shoulder. He watched as Jeremy perused the cover of the game jacket. 

Jeremy thought it would be fun to try the older games. He quickly got the hang of Centipede and soon they had the speed advanced to EXPERT level. Then they tried some of the other seventy's games, Asteroids, Super Breakout and Tempest. Jeremy discovered he loved Centipede and they went back to it after trying out the other old ATARI Arcade versions.

The entire time they played the boys never lost contact with each other. They shifted their positions several times, but they wordlessly settled themselves within close proximity to the other. Their knees touched sporadically when they sat cross-legged, pushing the buttons on their control pads with lighting speed. When they came back from bathroom breaks or trips downstairs for soda and lay across the bed, they let their shoulders touch and their feet intertwine. It was becoming natural, almost automatic for them to be touching in some way. 

When Jeremy had whipped Arch's butt at Centipede a half a dozen times, Archer gave up. They decided to quit for the moment and Arch got up to put the game away. When he returned to the bed, Jeremy was looking up at him dreamily. 

"Will you kiss me again Arch?" Jeremy felt a little silly, but suddenly he was feeling extremely romantic. He wanted to feel Archer next to him, to bask in their newly formed connection.

Archer silently leaned over Jeremy's prone form. He sweetly kissed him, lingering for a few moments, but not pushing his tongue into Jeremy's mouth. He too reveled in the emotions that had taken up residence in his heart. Of the pair of them, Archer was certainly the more confident. The long hours he spent by himself endlessly lost in the world of drawing Jeremy had given him plenty of time to analyze his feelings for the other boy. 

Arch eventually lay down next to Jeremy and renewed his efforts on his new boyfriend's mouth. They were facing each other and quickly their hands were exploring new territory. A frenzy of strokes and caresses, finding each other's hot spots and pleasure centers. Arch's hands felt the muscles of Jeremy's biceps, lingering to squeeze and knead the boy's strong arms. Jeremy's mouth found its way to Arch's collarbone, sucking and nipping at the soft skin of the undeniably male erogenous zone. His arms enfolded Arch and his hands explored his back and the top of his beautiful butt, hidden just under the waistband of his khakis. 

As their play began to intensify, Jeremy pulled back slightly and stroked Arch's cheek. "We'd better slow down Arch."

Archer smiled at the thought of making Jeremy so excited. He had dreamed of this night thousands of times, but the reality of it was that he wanted it to be perfect for both of them.

He pulled Jeremy outside onto the deck and sat down on one of the huge wooden Adirondack chairs, pulling his friend into his lap. It had been dark for a couple of hours and Archer knew that Jeremy was wishing for his telescope, but sitting there like they were and savoring the new sensations that each was experiencing, neither of them brought it up.

Jeremy could feel Archer's excitement pressing into the left side of his butt. He sat still and laid his head backwards, resting it on Arch's shoulder their faces pressed side by side. 

"I'm so happy right now Arch?" Jeremy barely had to whisper for his friend to hear what he had said.

"Yeah, me too." Arch's smile was no longer just a half-developed one. He grinned so widely that he was sure he resembled the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. 

"Kind of a waste though that we waited so long to make this happen." 

"Naw, not really." Jeremy replied in a semi-whisper. "Just made it more special."

They kissed again, this time with mutual respect and caring for each other's feelings. To tell each other with their bodies what they had not with words for the time that they had been separated. Softly and slowly, their mouths melted away the hurt that had lingered within them. Patiently, lips and tongues were exchanged, forging their feelings into imprints upon their needy psyches.

Archer moved back to the bed and Jeremy soon joined him, laying his head on Arch's broad shoulder. Arch placed little kisses on Jeremy's forehead, tracing his hairline with his lips. He stopped on his left ear and sucked in Jeremy's earlobe, running his tongue across and around it as if it were candy. Jeremy moaned in delight and shuddered at the breath coming from his friend, filling his eardrum. Arch continued down Jeremy's neck, sucking at the same spot on his collarbone that Jeremy had hit on him some minutes ago. He intended to leave a mark to show that Jeremy had been his. Primal as the mating ritual may have been, the need seemed to overtake him before he fully realized what he was doing. 

Archer's hands found Jeremy's nipples and softly pulled on them as they became more and more engorged. He moved his mouth to the left one and played with it with his tongue while his other hand manipulated the right nub. Jeremy writhed under him, the impulses shooting from his chest to his already excited lap. He kissed down Jeremy's side passing a ticklish spot and making Jeremy practically jump off the bed. Arch tilted his head and looked into the eyes that had captivated him for so long. They both giggled. Arch rubbed his cheekbone where Jeremy's rib had caught him when he jumped and Jeremy's hand slowly stroked it, attempting to repair the damage with pure love. 

"We should wait for a while, shouldn't we? There are plenty of ways that we can show each other just how special we are to each other." 

Arch's education at home far outweighed anything he had learned in ten years of public school. The fact that his parents treated him as an adult from the time he hit puberty had made Arch emotionally better equipped to handle this kind of situation than most boys his age. He was kind and generous, loving and giving, but he was also understanding and patient and if keeping Jeremy as his boyfriend meant having to wait, then; wait is what he would do. Besides, it would be a cinch now that he and Jeremy were together. He had waited a whole year for a single kiss without Jeremy in his life; with him there he could wait a while longer for sex.

***

Arch saw Jeremy stirring under the covers and returned to the bed so that Jeremy wouldn't worry where he was when he woke up. He had been sitting in the chilled September morning with only a pair of shorts on and he knew his body would be cold against Jeremy's slumbering form. He lay down facing the sweet boy, again stroking his cheekbone with awe and admiration.

He watched Jeremy's face as he wakened to the world, wanting to see the expression in his revealing eyes. 

"Good morning beautiful." Jeremy's feelings for Arch overflowed from his heart, as he thought about the fact that they had slept enfolded in each other's arms all night.

"Wow babe you're freezing, where have you been?" A shiver passed over Jeremy's body, causing him to visibly shake.

"I watched the sun rise from the deck. It was so peaceful out there that I just sat and watched the birds and the squirrels for a little bit, thinking about last night." Jeremy pushed his head up with his hand, resting on his elbow for support. 

"Was it happy stuff?" Arch chuckled a little at Jeremy's insecurity. 

"Oh yeah babe, only the best." Jeremy thought again at how lucky he was that Archer's parents had been away that weekend. 

"Arch, can I ask you something?" 

"Sure Jeremy." Arch's left hand rested in Jeremy's right, spreading his fingers apart, grasping and ungrasping them in a slow rhythm. 

"Do your dad and mom know how you feel about me? Um...that you're gay?" Jeremy knew it was just about the most personal thing he could ask him, but he wanted to get to know everything about Arch and this had direct bearing on how their relationship would play out while he was at Arch's house.

Archer thought for a moment about Jeremy's questions. "Would it make you mad if they did?" Archer asked him pointedly.

"No, I don't think so." Jeremy secretly wondered just how cool his parents were going to be when he revealed to them that he was in love with his friend from summer camp.

"Well, I guess that I have to say yes they know, but no I have never told them directly. I guess when you see all of the sketches I have in here, it can only be obvious, but they have never said anything to me about it. Archer took a breath and considered the question further. "I know that my parents love me Jeremy and I think that no matter what my sexual preferences turn out to be they will support me. So, if you're wondering whether or not we are going to have to hide this from them, I think that the answer is no." Arch watched Jeremy's face split into an intense grin. 


"Is that what you wanted to hear, babe?" Jeremy's head nodded.

He kissed Arch again smiling at the use of endearments that had slid so easily into their conversations. After a few moments, he felt a parade cross the foot of the bed. Brighty and his sister were making an entrance and Arch said they had better get up and feed them. Come to think of it, Jeremy was pretty darn hungry himself. 

After the cats' delicate palates were satisfied, the boys decided to make themselves a big breakfast. Archer got out the ingredients for pancakes along with bacon. They sipped on orange juice as the bacon fried and Jeremy watched in some astonishment as Arch whipped around the kitchen like a seasoned four-star chef.



The Polaris Effect Ch. 06



Chapter Six- Finding Joy in Melancholy

All week Alicia knew there was something wrong with Jeremy. He was more withdrawn than usual and none of her silly pranks or jokes that usually kept their office atmosphere jovial had any affect on him. She left it alone for as long as she possibly could. Friday morning she suggested that they head out to their favorite deli for their classic "Ruben" sandwiches at lunchtime.

Jeremy still looked miserable, but capitulated out of sheer exhaustion from Alicia's demands. They left the building at noon and strolled through the damp streets. It had been raining when they came to work that morning, but when they reached the street at noon, they were happy to discover there was no need to bundle up and fight another Seattle downpour. Alicia slipped her hand into Jeremy's, looked up to him, and caught his eye.

"Tell me what's wrong?" Alicia had always been Jeremy's one true confidant in Seattle. Sure, he had a ton of friends. People in the scene at the clubs and the bars, but they were mere acquaintances to him. There was no one he trusted with his secrets, but her. 

"I don't know if I can." His eyes were sunken and bloodshot from all of the constant torment he had subjected himself to all week.

She looked at him incredulously, "Bullshit." She glared back at him. "This has to stop, Jeremy, you look like a freakin' zombie." Her rough and tumble upbringing reared its ugly head at times like these. She wasn't about to sit by while he wasted away in front of her. "Let's get our lunch and go sit in the park, you can tell me in private, okay?" His head nodded and he wondered how much longer he was going to be able to keep it all bottled up anyway.

They made their way through the lunchtime crowds of the renowned deli and walked in silence to a gazebo-covered area of the park down the block from their office building. They ate their sandwiches after finding a secluded spot and finally he sighed and looked out across the sea of people bustling about on their individual lunchtime quests. 

"Look hon, you need to get whatever is bothering you off your chest. You know that I won't judge you and I won't bug you about it after today if you don't want me to, but you are going to tell me what's wrong or I might be forced to hurt you." Her smile glimmered in the sunlight, still streaming through a few scattered clouds.

Her attempt at levity broke through his armor of guilt, sadness and remorse. Alicia was almost a whole foot shorter than Jeremy and at times, reminded him of Mighty Mouse from the Saturday morning cartoons. His smile was weak, but it was the chink in his armor that she had been searching for.

He wrung his hands together, more out of frustration than the cold chill in the early November air. He fought to find an easy and succinct way to explain the turbulence that he had kept buried in his soul for the last ten years. 

"Do you remember me telling you about my friend Archer from high school?" She nodded, purposely keeping quiet so that he would get this all out of his system at last.

"We were together for a long time, Lisha. He was the first person I ever loved. Even though we were really young, it was a very mature kind of love. I think that sometimes when you feel different from everyone else around you, you sort of protect yourself by binding to the most stable thing you can find. For me, that thing was Archer." Her understanding eyes goaded him to continue. "Yeah, we did kid stuff, played games, went to movies, all the things that regular teenage boys who are best friends do, but we were lovers too."

"It took me a whole year after I met him to finally tell him that I was in love with him. After the walls broke down, it was like a flood of emotions and feelings escaped from my heart and soul. I had battled so much with myself out of constant fear of rejection that when he told me he loved me too, I just couldn't conceive of ever loving anyone else." 

She watched him carefully and kept very still waiting for him to continue. 

"It was the happiest time in my life. Then after we graduated, I started meeting new people. That summer I had a job in a little restaurant in town and when people that I didn't know started asking if I had a girlfriend, I was suddenly defensive. Arch and I had been "out" at school. All of our close friends were supportive and we never really took much flack about our relationship. We were lucky, I know. But then, some of the people I worked with were older and I worried what they would think of me if they found out I was gay. It was the first time I was really ever embarrassed about loving another boy. I would see the other guys who bussed tables and so forth, coming in with their girlfriends. The owner was a great guy with a really nice wife and two small girls. Confusion started to creep into my head on a daily basis."

"I kept asking myself, hadn't I always pictured myself with a family, didn't I want to be a daddy? Did I want to hide my love for Archer from the world, if not then why couldn't I tell these people about him? I thought if Archer and I stayed together we would never be able to have kids. I was too young to see that there were options for that as well. The constant confusion was starting to play on my self-worth. This was all wrong, I kept telling myself. I was betraying Arch and myself by being so confused. So I left. I told him that I couldn't be with him anymore, that we needed to grow up and find our own futures and that I thought he would be better off without me... I figured I would enroll in college, meet a nice girl, settle down, get married, have kids and everything would work itself out."

He had managed to keep his composure throughout most of the story, but now he was beginning to feel overwhelmed.

"When I got up here and enrolled in school, I tried to go out on a couple of dates with some nice girls I met. There was even a girl named Wendy Crenshaw that I dated for almost a month. But as I'm sure you can figure out, once we got past the niceties, and she wanted to take the relationship to the next level, I just couldn't bring myself to do anything with her. I would just lay there and dream of Archer."

A sob escaped his lips and she shuttered, feeling the pain she knew had been haunting him for years.

"I wanted to go back...." He sniffled, "I wanted to tell him that loved him, only him...but, ...I ...I was too scared. And I was embarrassed. I made a mistake Lisha, I loved him, I've always loved him and I don't think anything will ever be right again if I don't find a way to tell him how sorry I am."

She leaned toward him and wrapped her arms around him tenderly. Alicia never felt very maternal, but at that moment, she could understand what the instinct meant. Jeremy was her best friend and she never wanted anything to hurt him. It broke her heart to see him like this and she desperately wanted to do something to help him get through the pain he was experiencing. 

"Jem, sweetie... listen, maybe there's a way to fix this? Have you tried to find him yet?"

He shook his head and mumbled a soft "no."

"Sweetheart, I think that maybe you had better think about taking some time off. You have plenty of vacation tucked away and you never call in sick. Take some time Jeremy, find him and tell him how you feel. You'll never know unless you try."

Jeremy lifted his head slowly from her shoulder and wiped the tears from his eyes. "I'm so scared of what he'll say though. What if he curses me and sends me away? What if he has someone else in his life? I don't think I could live with that?"

"Well you certainly cannot go on living like this. At least if you try, then you'll know for sure. If it turns out that he does have someone else or that he doesn't want to be with you, that's a chance you'll have to take. Then at least you can grieve once and for all and start over. That may seem harsh honey, but that's just how life works." She kissed his cheek softly.

"Jeremy Sandler, you owe yourself the truth and in finding the truth you may also find the love you have been so desperately yearning for all these years." 

He thought for a moment about what she had said. "Will you tell Helsby for me that I'm sick and I'm going home for the day?" Jeremy stifled another sob and Alicia handed him a tissue from her bag. 

"Sure sweetie." She stroked his back and hugged him again fiercely. "You go home and get some rest and then call the firm this afternoon and tell them you need to take some time off. You know I'll handle everything while you're gone. If I get desperate, I'll call Zeek over at Monahan's and contract him for a while. He's a great kid and he's smart as a whip, I know I can get him up to speed in no time."

They walked to the edge of the park and she reassured him that she would cover everything at work for as long as he needed. He kissed her quickly on the forehead and headed back for the parking garage. She watched him walk away and waved as he turned and glanced back at her over his shoulder. He merely nodded his head in acknowledgment and hurried for his car.

***

He left the next morning for Ashland. He didn't call his folks and tell them that he was coming. He simply packed one bag with necessities, got in his car and pulled away from the townhouse, never looking back. As the highway passed on either side of him, he reached into the side compartment of the Honda and pulled out his CD case. He slipped the first disk into the player and let the music pull him into the past. He turned up the volume and the bass reverberated in his soul. This was their music, the rebellious anthems that gave them the courage to face their parents and their classmates as a couple. Springsteen was like the opera, you either loved his music more than anything on the face of the Earth or you couldn't stand it and nothing anyone said could ever change your mind. 

The songs rolled out of the speakers in chronological order, Thunder Road, Growin' Up and Nebraska, but then came the one that he always skipped past, no matter how nostalgic he was feeling; their song. Bruce screamed his patented countdown in the microphone, ONE, TWO....

The melody chimed in on the piano and Clarence's sax bellowed its deep and ultimately sexy notes. Jeremy heard the words, but didn't let himself react to them, until the chorus stared. The Boss belted out the words, using all of the strength and power in his lungs...

Two hearts are better than one,

Two hearts will get the job done;

Oh, Oh...Two hearts are better than one.

He sang the words aloud and although memories of Archer sped through his brain at a furious pace, he never lost control. He replaced the genders of the people in the song, just as they had thirteen years ago to make them match their relationship. As the final guitar lick faded and the crowd chanted a long continuous B...R...U...C...E, he allowed all of the wonderful feelings of completeness and fulfillment from the past to consume him. His heart swelled with love for the man he had spent the last ten years trying so hard to block out. He felt warm inside and a uniquely happy smile settled on his face. He popped the CD out and replaced it with the second one of series, listening and remembering.

***

The trip to Ashland from Seattle usually took him about eight hours. He took the most direct route he could and after six-and-a-half hours, he signaled and pulled off the highway. The dense, lush foliage; spawned from eighty-some inches of rain each year, spilled over the split rail fences that lined the rural county road on the way to his parent's place outside of the city limits of Ashland. He hadn't been back here in the ten years. His family had heard every excuse in the book about why he couldn't make it home, but in his heart there was only one reason he couldn't come back...too many memories.

As he rounded the last bend before the line of oaks leading to his parent's house, his mind recalled the hours of fun he and Arch had spent riding these paths on their bikes. He could still see the mane of golden red hair blowing in the breeze as Archer would whoosh up behind him and Jeremy would let up and let him pass. His smile was still plastered to his lips when he turned into the gravel driveway. 

Hearing the crunch of a vehicle on their drive, Amy Sandler looked up from her Birds and Blooms and glanced out the kitchen window to see who her visitor was. Her friend Marion Randall had mentioned that she might bring out a batch of her latest apple butter, but Amy didn't see the weather-beaten panels of Marion's station wagon in front of the house. There was a man behind the wheel of a beige Honda. She strained her aging eyes to look closer and grabbed for her glasses, which usually hung from a chain around her neck. With no luck, she searched the plastic covering on the kitchen table for them. 

By the time Jeremy had extricated himself from his mid-size Accord and strolled to the back door, he peered in with his hand over his eyes to find his mother sprinting to the door, fumbling to right her glasses on her face. The look of shock on her face when the recognition hit her was priceless. Jeremy wished he had a camera with him.

She opened the door and flung herself into his arms. "Jemmie, my God... what are you doing here?"

He hugged her tight and swung her around off her feet. Amy was a small woman and Jeremy could have easily carried her on a five-mile hike. "Hi Mama, I'm so glad to finally be here."

Jeremy set her down on the flowery peach and green linoleum and found her face covered in trails of tears. She quickly brushed them away with the back of her hand and gazed at her son in utmost horror. He was practically emaciated. His eyes were sunken and bloodshot, he weighed practically nothing and his skin was the color of paste. Of course, she had been known to exaggerate a bit here and there when it came to the welfare of her children, but Jeremy looked bloody awful.

"Honey, what's wrong? Are you sick?" The fearful reality of those three dreaded letters skirted her brain, but she refused to let them settled. 

"No mom, I'm not sick." Her chest let out a gasp and she started crying again.

"Jem, baby, why didn't you call and let us know you were coming?"


Jeremy moved his mother from the doorway and closed the whitewashed barn door. After he had convinced her that the world wasn't coming to an end in the next few seconds, he sat down at the familiar oblong kitchenette set where he had eaten his meals for nineteen years. Amy continued to fuss over him getting out a plates of cookies and pouring them both some lemonade. Jeremy drank the offered glass with haste and finished it in record time.

"Aaaah," he sighed as he finished. His mother sat attentively across the table from him with her chin resting on her folded hands. He knew the look, it said...spill it mister and don't leave anything out because I'll find out somehow.

Jeremy reached across the table, gathered his mother's hands in his, and squeezed. They sat there for a few moments and just stared at each other. The courage appeared out of nowhere really, but Jeremy didn't care how he got this done, he just had to do it and as fast as he could.

"You were right mom. I wasn't really happy in Seattle. I kept telling myself I was and I kept trying to pretend that I had something there worth staying for, but this last week I've been having a hard time even getting up in the morning and going to work. Yesterday my friend Alicia was able to convince me to take some time off and figure out what was wrong with me. Well, maybe not figure it out, but maybe try to fix it."

There was a long pause and Amy looked deep into her son's eyes and saw the sparkle that had fled from them so long ago.

Brazenly she spoke, "I don't know where he is sweetheart, but we'll find him somehow, I can just feel it."

The dam broke. He laid his head on the table and wept. She rounded the corner of the table and in no time enveloped her baby boy in her arms. She didn't care that he was thirty years old now or that he was almost a foot taller than she was. He was her son and he needed her. He sobbed violently and she stroked his hair and whispered little reassurances to him. 

Through the torrent of tears, he sputtered out the things he had been holding back from her and from himself for the last ten years. "I don't know how I could have ever let him go mom? I love him so much. I just can't live without him anymore. Nothing works, nothing is right. He was my life, my love. There can't be anybody else that was made just for me."

At that moment, as Amy Sandler listened to her son's immense grief, she felt more loved and more cherished than at any other time in her life. She knew that it was a huge admission for Jeremy to trust her with his secrets and she silently vowed to herself to do whatever it took to help him find his long lost love. Slowly, Jeremy's crying subsided as she knelt in front of him. The shoulder of her blouse was soaked through and her nose was stuffed-up from crying herself. She got up and went for the box of tissues on the piano in the family room. She plopped it in the middle of the table, pulling one out and resumed her seat in the chair across from him. She mopped her face with the thing, just as he did but let him settle some before she said anything.

"Honey, don't blame yourself completely. You and Archer were a couple. Two people sharing a lot of love and responsibility for something that was very complicated at the time. You were so young to have so much of a burden on you. There was no one around to guide you or give you advice about what to do if you two had problems. You didn't really have anyone that was an example of how a gay couple makes things work. You only had dad and me and I know that we certainly weren't a model couple at the time. Shoot, he spent so much time at work back then that I had forgotten I was even married to him. It's only been these past few years that we have gotten to know each other again and fallen back in love."

"Really mom, I had no idea." Jeremy slowly got up from the table and opened the refrigerator to get another glass of lemonade. As he returned it to the frig and sat back down with his glass, a sudden feeling of peace and calm filtered over him. The smell of the kitchen, the taste of the lemonade, his mother's warm smile and tenderhearted words; all of this gave him a sensation of love and comfort. He was sure he was finally taking the right path. 

"Where do you think we should start?" Jeremy asked his mother, still sniffling a bit.

"Well, I suspect with Bill and Cathy. But I don't know if they will be able to help us?" Amy dreaded telling Jeremy about the awful fight Archer had with his parents after Jeremy left for Seattle.

"Why mom?" Jeremy couldn't imagine why Archer's parents wouldn't know where he was. He was terrified all of a sudden that his mom had been keeping something from him. "He's okay isn't he? Do you know where his parents are?"


His brain was turning in fifty different directions at once and every negative emotion he had been feeling, fear, dread, remorse, guilt was suddenly balling up inside of him.

"Sweetheart, calm down. As far as I know, Archer is fine, but there are some things that you are going to have to hear now that are going to be difficult. Maybe we should think about tabling this discussion for now and letting you rest a little bit." She saw the grimace on his face and knew that he wanted to go on, but in her world, mother always knew best. "I bet you drove straight through didn't you?" She rolled her eyes at him.

"Mmmm..... Yep." Jeremy's eyes were so tired and sore that he could barely keep them open, but he needed to know what had happened with Arch in order to help him find his lover again. 




The Polaris Effect Ch. 06



"Jem, you've waited ten years to try and find Archer, another couple of hours isn't going to hurt you." He knew it was useless to fight with her. He acquiesced and went to the car to get his bag. He could hear her upstairs gathering fresh linens as he came back through the kitchen door. His foot hit the bottom stair and suddenly he was sixteen again and he and Archer were climbing these same stairs the morning after they had finally confessed their love for each other; a couple of giggly teenage boys, in love and ready to take on the world.

***

The boys hit the stairs running. They had driven down the hill to retrieve Jeremy's telescope so that they could watch the night sky from Archer's balcony that evening. They were laughing and grabbing at each other as they went up the stairs to Jeremy's room. They froze suddenly as they came upon Amy in the hallway outside the upstairs bathroom. 

"Hi mom." Jeremy said with a huge smile pasted across his face. "This is Archer."

Arch stuck out his hand and offered her a handshake. She put down the bevy of cleaning supplies she was holding and shook his hand firmly. "It's very nice to meet you Mrs. Sandler." His hair was so cute she had to giggle to herself. He looked like a tall version of Shirley Temple with strawberry blonde hair. 

"Thank you Archer. Did you two boys have fun last night?" She sensed that whatever had been hanging over Jeremy regarding his friendship with Arch had somehow been resolved. She had actually never seen her son look happier. The look that crossed his face however after she asked the simple question puzzled her a bit. He actually looked a little guilty, but she dismissed the feeling and turned to see what Jeremy was doing inside his room.

"Uh... yeah mom we had a blast." He said from the far side of the bed. "We just came down to get my scope so we can see the stars tonight. You should see how clear they are up in Linden Hills." Jeremy did feel a little pang of guilt toward his mother at the moment. He hadn't lied to her very frequently in his life, but now it was a matter of survival, at least the survival of his privacy with Arch. He wasn't about to do anything to put that in jeopardy. 

Amy smiled at him and was secretly glad that Jeremy had finally found a friend with whom he could share his interests. He had been such a loner over the past year. She and Ted had actually had many conversations about Jeremy's behavior in the past couple of months, she redundantly pacifying her husband's adamant feelings that something was definitely wrong with their youngest son. This new friendship would make Jeremy's father extremely happy. It just didn't seem right that an outgoing person like Jeremy would not have any buddies to hang around with. 

"Well, be careful loading that thing into the car Jeremy, it set us back a pretty penny last Christmas and I can't imagine that your dad would be too happy if something happened to it." Amy turned and left the landing in front of her son's room, thinking again fleetingly about the strange face that had appeared on Jeremy when she mention whether they had fun last night.

"Don't worry mom," he shouted as she descended the stairs. "You know I'd die before I'd let anything happen to my baby." He chuckled a little to himself about the sudden change in his priorities today. His prized possession was no longer his baby. Now he had someone who loved him and who he loved in return to replace that claim. 

Arch slowly closed the door as he heard Jeremy's mom reach the first floor, the wooden heels of her loafers clicking on the hardwood in the family room. He watched Jeremy with curiosity as he disassembled the large flat black telescope and arranged it gently into a huge tube of a container. As Jeremy finished his task Archer stretched his arms open wide and Jeremy moved to nestle into them with ease. They stood there for a few seconds and luxuriated in each other's senses. Arch kissed the top of Jeremy's head, which was lying softly on his shoulder. He titled his face toward him and planted a soft kiss on his new beau.

Just as Archer kissed Jeremy, Amy turned the handle of his bedroom door, bringing a load of clean clothes that belonged to her son from the dryer. She was surprised that the door was closed when she walked up to it, but instinctively opened it, not even considering that the boys would need any privacy. 

As she entered Jeremy's room she glanced up and thought that she noticed he was standing just inches from his new friend. He quickly moved to pick up his telescope. Her brain questioned the scene, but not having anything to base any suspicions on, she moved ahead. Amy placed the bundle of freshly laundered clothes on the end of the bed and headed back downstairs toward the kitchen and the rest of her morning chores.

"Are you boys just about ready to go or do you want me to make you some lunch?" She asked as she got to the doorway.

"No thanks mom we had a ton of stuff for breakfast at Arch's this morning." Jeremy tried to cover the utter horror he felt in his voice.

"Okay then." She pulled the door to and lightly bounced down the stairs glad that Jeremy had such a good friend now.

The boys trembled with dread as Amy closed the door behind her. 

"Do you think she saw?" Jeremy was rooted to the spot he stood in and his hands were sweating on the handle of the telescope case. 

"No, I don't think she saw anything and if she did, she didn't realize what we were doing." Arch's logical manner rationalized that if she had seen them kissing there would have been a much bigger reaction than offering to fix them lunch. She probably would have thrown him out of the house. 

Jeremy couldn't move. The realization of having to deal with the issue of coming out to his parents had hit him smack in the face. 

Archer grabbed his forearm and Jeremy instinctively pulled away. Arch searched his friend's face for an explanation. 

"Sorry babe, just a reflex." Jeremy said riddled with more guilt.

"Let's get out of here okay, before she thinks about it anymore and figures out what really she saw." Arch moved toward the door and waited for Jeremy to join him. He was a little scared that what had just happened would make Jeremy not want to be with him anymore, but he figured the sooner they got out of the house, the better it all would be.

They galloped down the stairs and towards their escape. Archer reached the kitchen door and turned momentarily to say good-bye to Mrs. Sandler. He had been the model of propriety earlier, if he was rude now she might be all the more suspicious.

"See you later Mrs. Sandler. Thanks for letting Jeremy spend the night." Archer tried to smile innocently.

"You're welcome Archer. Have a good time tonight and be good boys." As Jeremy passed her and headed for the door, she cleared her throat to get his attention.

"Where do you think you're going Mister?" 

Jeremy froze in his tracks, his bowels suddenly feeling like they had turned to water. He looked at her with outright fear.

"Where's my kiss sweetie?" Amy was very confused by the look on her son's face, but forgot it quickly as he headed toward her.

"Oh... sorry mom." Jeremy strolled over and placed a slight kiss on his mother's full round cheek. 

She ruffled his hair and repeated her mantra "I mean it Jem, be good. I don't want you causing Mrs. Finklin any trouble." What is that I smell, she thought? She wondered when Jeremy might have started to wear aftershave or cologne.

"Don't worry mom, she'll barely know I'm there." Jeremy winced inside at the continuing half-truth on his recent list of sins. 

He grabbed for the door and hurdled himself into the driveway, easing up slightly in mid-bounce so as not to upset the telescope too awfully much. It was a delicate instrument and he'd be adjusting on it all night if he wasn't careful, but he had to get himself out of that kitchen before he heaved in panic.

***

Jeremy's head swam as he finally reached the landing at the top of the stairs. He turned toward his old room, seeing his mother changing the sheets on a double bed in the redecorated room. 

"I hope this bed is big enough for you sweetie."

"Thanks mom, anything right now would be a welcome relief. I haven't really been sleeping too well for the last couple of weeks."

He dropped his bag next to a refinished white pine dresser and stripped off his shirt. As his mom finished turning the bed back, he sat at the end of it and flipped off each shoe. He lay back and stretched his six-foot frame across the mattress. 

"Just rest a while Jem, we'll have plenty of time to talk when you're ready."

She stretched across to kiss his forehead, reminding him of when he was still a boy and she would always tuck him in each night. The wash of calm and serenity that came over him was a welcome change from the constant angst he had been feeling in Seattle. He closed his eyes and was fully asleep in minutes. 

***




"Do you like to cook?" Jeremy asked as Archer stood at the stove ladling pancake batter onto a heavy cast iron griddle. 

"Yep. It started when I was eight. My dad came downstairs one Saturday morning to find me whipping-up French toast from my "Cooking for Kids" cookbook. Of course, I had used a quarter CUP of salt in the batter instead of a quarter teaspoon, but when he came over, peered into the batter, and stirred it, he could tell things weren't exactly kosher. He helped me make a new batch and we just kept it up from then on. When my mom was still going to school, I would get up on the weekends and cook a big breakfast for just him and me. It was one of the only times the two of us had to ourselves." Archer didn't look distant anymore. The geeky kid from the sophomore class at Ashland High now looked just as happy and well adjusted as any of the rest of his classmates.

Jeremy shuttered at himself for a brief moment, thinking that had he just let things progress as they might last summer, Archer wouldn't have had to go through so much anguish. Knowing that he couldn't manipulate the past though, he let the guilt be postponed for a while. 

Archer looked over at Jeremy staring into space. "Jem..." he said a little tentatively.

Jeremy looked back toward the range and saw Arch's eyes boring into him like a heat-seeking missile. "What sweetheart?" Archer's eyes danced a little and a smile broached his lips.

"Are you my boyfriend now?" He asked almost innocently.

Jeremy lit up inside. Of course they were... what else could they be? However, just the fact that Arch had asked him was enough to delight him to no end. 

"Yep babe, I'm your boyfriend, for as long as you'll have me." He had thought about saying forever, but he suddenly changed his mind at the last minute. He didn't want Archer to think he was stupid and childish and that first love would indeed last forever. Still, then he had hoped it would.

Arch's arms stretched out to beckon his new beau to his side. Jeremy got up from the table and slid into them easily, Arch wrapping his long wingspan around him. 


"I love you Jeremy." Arch's tangled curls fell into Jeremy's face as they embraced. He savored the feel of them on his skin and his nervous system coursed with adoration.

"I love you too Arch, I have for a long time now." He hesitated a little, but the he had to say it. He had to let it out. If he kept it inside it would fester, boil, and eventually explode like guilt-ridden shards of glass cutting him from the inside out.

"And Arch, I am so sorry about what happened at camp last year. I know that if I had been braver things would have been a lot easier for you." 

"Jeremy... don't apologize. Neither of us can change the decisions we made back then." Archer Finklin was wise beyond his sixteen years; the time he spent withdrawn and within himself, had given him the time for plenty of introspection. He thought many times of his favorite quote, "Accept everything about yourself -- I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end -- no apologies, no regrets." and everything would slowly fall start to fall into place for him again.

They snuggled as the morning sunshine streamed through the huge breakfast nook windows, warming them while they softly kissed and murmured words of affection and reassurance to each other. Jeremy smelled the sweet vanilla of the pancake batter as little puffs of steam escaped from their edges behind him. Arch's shoulders peaked as he remembered he needed to turn them. Finishing the preparations, Jeremy set the table with instructions from his friend as to the location of the plates and utensils. 

He saw a small vase in the cabinet with the crockery and pulled it out. He felt a romantic twinge and bolted for the front door. 

"Hey... where you going?" Arch shouted after him.

"Be right back." Jeremy answered as he fumbled momentarily with the unfamiliar lock on the front door.

After finally figuring out how to get through the door, he headed for one of the many rose bushes lining the front (okay, the back) of the house. He reached for his pocketknife but with the lack of his regular clothing, there were no pockets to retrieve it from. He turned back toward the house until he caught a glimpse of a pair of pruning shears on the brick encasement of the flowerbed. He snatched them up quickly lopping off the top most bloom of a deep crimson colored bush. He put the shears back and bounded back for the kitchen. Not being aware of the budding thorns toward the top of the stem, he pricked his index finger and swore softly. He returned to the kitchen, sucking the blood from his fingertip and placed the aromatic rose into the holder. Archer smiled as he turned to see the fantastic gesture of love Jeremy had just placed between their places at the table.

They sat and ate together, sharing thoughts and food, playing childish games of "See food" and "Footsies." Laughing and enjoying each other and the freedom that their new relationship had bestowed upon them.

***

Archer was visibly shaken after relating the tale to Anne about the beginning of his first ever love affair. He was no longer sobbing, but his hands shook and his body shivered. 

"I know this is going to be difficult Archer, but can you tell me why the two of you separated?" Anne used an even-timber as she tried to calm him with her voice. 

"When we were nineteen, Jeremy decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said that he wanted a family and that he could never have that with me." The hurt in his eyes pulsed as she searched again to see in what direction to proceed. "All I could think of was that I had spent the last three years with him and he was my family, how could he possibly leave me when he was supposed to love me?" 

She knew that they were in for another crying jag. She sat with the box of tissues on her lap and gently stroked his hand as he wiped away tear after tear.

She had canceled all of her appointments for the day and told Ginny only to disturb her if there were another emergency. Break-through sessions like this one happened very infrequently and she had been waiting for Archer to trust her enough to reveal the core of his sorrow for over a year. She listened to him thoughtfully and never once presented an opinion one way or the other as to what she felt. 

"How do you feel about Jeremy now?" She battened down the hatches and prepared for the storm. He didn't react with anger as she had anticipated.

He sat still for a moment, finally raising his head to look her in the eye. "I.... I love him.... I always have. There will never be anyone else in the world that I will feel the same way about. "

She knew it would be risky to ask him about the future, but they had come so far today that she took an additional chance.

"If you could talk to him right now Archer, what would you say to him?" 

A monumental sigh escaped his lips, "I would tell him that no matter how much he has hurt me in the past, I still love him and I will always love him. That he is the most important person in the world to me and if he even feels half as much for me that I would give him another chance."

"That is a very charitable thing to say Archer considering what you have been through over the past year." She was astonished at his level of compassion.

"I can't really be angry with him Anne, we were still very young and he was scared of what the world would bring us as a couple. He wanted children and he didn't think that he could have them with me. Hell, I was scared too, but I knew no matter what happened everything would be okay, because we always had each other."

"Have you thought about trying to tell him any of this, Archer?" He looked at her as though she had suddenly sprouted horns and a tail. There was the fear and the anger. 

"I... I... I don't think I could." His face was stark white and the contrast of his red hair made him suddenly look very ill. "I don't even know where he is."

Anne Baxter used her many years of training to gently suggest that it might be something he should consider. The gloom outside the windows had dissipated during the day. The clouds had cleared and a bright black night sky with millions of sparkling pinpoints of light shone down on them as she walked him to his car. 

He shuddered as he let go of her hand, "You know Jeremy used to love to look at the stars. He always said that we were like a Polaris to each other; you know stars drawn to each other like a magnet. I wonder if he is looking at them tonight."

He got into his car and closed the door. He started the engine and pressed the button for the automatic window. It whirred as the glass descended into the door panel. 

"Thank you," he said softly.

She nodded, looking at him with admiration and compassion. He was a strong man to keep these feelings bottled up inside him for such a long time. She hoped that he would find the peace that he longed for so intensely. After all, everyone deserved to be happy, no matter who they loved in life.



The Polaris Effect Ch. 07



Chapter Seven- The Value of a Good Rationalization

Gia left a message on Archer's machine that morning that she had made a doctor's appointment for the next day. Even though he was emotionally drained from the session with his therapist, he wanted to make sure that he was available for her if she needed him. He sat on the bed next to the phone and dialed her number. It was still relatively early and he wasn't surprised to hear a familiar British accent on the line.

"Halloooo." The male voice announced.

"Hey Landers, its Arch. Gia left me a message this afternoon. Is everything okay over there?"

Landers Birch, being the consummate comedian he was, launched into his favorite camp routine an octave above his normal baritone voice. "Yeeesss, darling. She is most certainly indisposed at the moment. Wouldn't you care to talk to little ole me?"

"Land, get Gia would you." Landers could tell that Archer was in one of his moods again and didn't bother to continue with the shtick. He rolled his eyes at George, covered the phone and mouthed ARCH to his partner. 

"I'll get her baby, just a sec." Landers set the phone down and Archer could hear the stereo droning softly in the background. They were listening to that new aged shit again and Archer was glad he wasn't there at the moment. Of course he was grateful that at least some of the "fearsome foursome," as he referred to them, was there to keep Gia company in his absence.

Before she picked up on the kitchen extension, Archer could hear George whisper "Everything's fine Arch," in the receiver before hanging up the other handset. 

"Hi sweetie, how are you feeling?" Gia was already starting to sound maternal.

"Tired, but good. I was at Anne's office for most of the day. We had a really good session."

A weight was lifted from Gia's chest. She knew that she couldn't help Archer anymore. She had pushed and prodded him for the last six years to find someone to confide in about his troubles, since no matter how many times he told her about them it didn't seem to relieve any of the pressure he was feeling. 

"Oh Arch, that's wonderful. Did you finally tell her everything?" Gia could already tell what the answer to this question was going to be. She hadn't heard such a relaxed tone in his voice in years.

"Yeah babe, I did. She listened to me pour my heart out for hours and I told her as much as I could about when Jeremy and I were together. She said that she thinks I ought to consider trying to find him so that I can get some of these feelings out in the open."

Gia just about burst into tears. She was a romantic to the core and she held onto the hope that he and Jeremy would someday be reunited. In her heart she knew that the only thing that would ever make Archer's life complete would be for him to find Jeremy and exorcise the demons that tortured him for most of his adult life. 

"Archer, I don't know what to say. I think that is the best idea I have heard in years. Are you considering taking her advice?" She held her breath and waited for his answer.

Archer's brain shifted into automatic defense mode. "I don't know G, how am I going to handle it if he really is married with a family? What am I going to do, waltz up and throw my arms around him and declare my undying love? What kind of fool would I be then?" 

"Stop being such a pessimist, Arch. Didn't you say you talked to his mom after you moved to Berkeley? Maybe you could give her a call and scout the situation out first? I got the impression from everything you said that the two of you were pretty close."

"Yeah, we were close. She was the mom I never really had. Amy never worked, so she was always there when we needed her, as opposed to my mom, who was never around at all. I always felt that out of all our parents, she was our biggest supporter." 

Archer reflected back on his memory of all the heart to heart's he and Amy Sandler had shared seated at their 1960's dinette set. The Formica tabletop was starting to chip away at the sides because Jeremy had a horrible habit of picking at it when he was nervous. In fact now that Archer was thinking about it, Jeremy was always picking at something, bottle labels or the blankets in bed with them. He must have been nervous all the time, Archer thought briefly.

"Maybe G, I'll think about calling her tomorrow. So what time do you want me to pick you up in the morning?" Archer was famous for avoiding subjects that were difficult.

"What do you think hon about eight-thirty, it's only the practitioner down at the free clinic." Gianna was not about to take her gay best friend into a traditional doctor's office where they would ask him if he were the father of her baby. No, the clinic was the best bet. They didn't care about that sort of thing. They were too busy and too under-funded to even notice.

"Okay, I'll be there around eight, just in case." Archer was adamant about being Gianna's "port in the storm" through this pregnancy. He needed to show her just how strong he could be, even though inside he felt like he was ready to crumble.

"K babe, I'll see you in the morning. Oh, and Arch...think seriously about what Anne said, okay?"

"I will, G. See you tomorrow." Archer replaced the phone on the cradle and headed for the kitchen to get something to eat. Anne had some sandwiches brought in at lunchtime, but he wasn't able to eat much in the state he was in. He rifled through the somewhat empty frig and then headed for the pantry. He wanted something to warm him up. The rain during the day had left him with a chill, or was that the overwhelming feeling of dread in his bones and not the weather?

He finally decided on a bowl of thick, rich clam chowder; now if that didn't remind him of the old days in Oregon he didn't know what did? He sat down at the chrome and glass kitchen table in his breakfast nook. Grabbing the latest copy Architectural Digest, he thumbed through the first few pages. He thought about his conversations with Anne today. 

"What would you say to him if he were here, Archer?"

He practically screamed the words to the empty house..."HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME? You said it was forever. You said you loved me, forever."

A single tear slid silently down his cheek.

***

Archer arrived on Gianna's front porch promptly at 7:45. He knocked softly and after a moment George peaked at him from behind the shade of the leaded glass door wearing only his boxers. Arch didn't realize that because he was so wrapped up in his own problems, the "fearsome foursome" was taking turns staying with Gia. George slid the dead-bolt back and opened the door with caution. Archer stepped through it and waited for George to close the door. His friend pointed to Gianna's extra bedroom and whispered, "Lands is still asleep." 

George tiptoed back into the spare room and got his bathrobe. 

"I think Gia is in the shower honey, do you want me to make you some coffee?" George offered. 

"No thanks, I stopped and got some on the way, it's out in the car."

"Arch, your eyes are a mess. Are you gonna be okay sweetie?" George had been the unofficial "mother hen" in the group ever since they had formed their little circle in college. 

"Yeah, I'm getting better. I think that I am going to have to make some changes though in order to be a permanent member of society again." Archer thought momentarily about the eventual call he would make to his boyhood hometown later today.

He heard the creak of the old wooden door as Gianna stepped out of her bedroom fresh as a daisy. "Oh hi, you're early." She said.

Her long hair was still wet and hung combed but, loose beyond her shoulders. She walked over to the two men and kissed them both on the cheek. "Just give me a few minutes and I'll be ready, okay?"

Archer nodded and he and George followed her into the kitchen. They sat at the breakfast bar and watched as she went to get some crackers from the pantry.

"That's what you're having for breakfast?" Archer admonished her.

She shook her head and snickered at his naïveté on the subject of pregnancy.

"It's to stay the morning sickness. I have to be about six or seven weeks along and the nausea is really kickin' my butt." She munched on a couple of the saltines as she stood over the sink. 

"You look fine." Archer observed. "Your skin seems to be glowing."

"Yeah well I tell you what, you feel something moving around inside of you and we'll see how it makes you feel." 

He burst out laughing and George spit orange juice all over the counter. 

"What?" She was slightly offended that they were laughing at her.

Archer raised his eyebrows and said "something moving around inside of you, huh?"

She blushed and turned back to the sink "Well I didn't mean like that. Geez you guys, I swear gay or straight it doesn't matter, you all think about sex 24/7?"

Arch rolled his eyes at George as he got up to get a sponge and clean up his orange juice mess. 

"What can I say honey, testosterone rules." Archer's waggled his eyebrows suggestively. As luck would have it George didn't have any more juice in his mouth, because if he had, he would have snarffed it through his nose trying to keep for busting out.

"Alright you two, enough. I'm going to dry my hair, I'll be out in a few." She half stomped back towards her room, not taking into consideration that George's better half was still asleep in her guestroom.

When he was sure she was well out of earshot, Archer asked George, "Has she been this surly all week?" 

George looked back and smiled, "Yeah, isn't it great. You can just see the life oozing back into her. I never thought when that jerk James bailed on her, that she'd be back among the living so soon. This baby is going to be a good thing Arch. Landers and I didn't think so at first, but seeing Gia the last two days, I really believe she is going to be okay."

"Yeah, I think so too. Our little family may be odd, but we're there for each other and that's what counts. All for one and one for all!"

George reached down and hugged Archer tight to him. "We're all each other have, that makes us bound to each other by a love that isn't required, only deserved. That means we're special, not odd."

"Thanks sweetheart, love you too." Archer kissed George's forehead as Landers swept through the archway to the kitchen.

"Tryin' to steal my man again, are you?" He mocked at the sight of them cuddling.

"Get over here you fool." Archer stood and gathered the two of them into his monstrous embrace. 

"You two are the best friends and brothers a guy could ever ask for. You never bailed on me, even though I have been a total jerk for the past couple of years. I respect and admire you both."

Landers pushed back from Archer and looked at George, "What have you been feedin' this big oaf, maple syrup?" 

They all laughed at the complete180 degree turn in Archer's attitude this morning and then silently they broke apart. George moved over to Landers and snuggled into his neck. 

"Mornin' lover." Archer heard George whisper to his partner.

Landers glanced up at Arch expecting to see the same uncomfortable grimace that crossed his face every time he and George displayed affection for each other. What he saw instead was a smile.

"Oy, big boy...you okay?" Landers was still taken aback by Archer's sudden personality change.

"I will be Lands, someday soon; I will be." 

***

The clinic was an absolute zoo by the time they checked Gianna in and found a seat in the cluttered waiting room. Several children ran around unsupervised, while twenty or so adults sat with what were probably their families or friends bringing them to their appointments. 

Archer was nervous because he wasn't prepared to answer questions about why he was here with Gia. He didn't realize that in this venue, seldom was the paternity of a child ever raised. Only when there were complications in the pregnancy did the clinic ever inquire as to the status of the father. 

After what seemed like an hour, though by his watch it had only been twenty minutes, a heavy-set older woman opened the door to the inner office and called Gianna's name. Archer stood with her and she held his hand. "You don't have to go in if you are uncomfortable." 

"You know me too well, girl. No, I promised I would stay with you and that's what I'm going to do." He wasn't bailing on her. This time he was going to be the strong one.

The gray-haired nurse ushered them into the hallway and held Gianna's chart in front of her. She asked Gia to step onto the scale and when Gia giggled and told Archer to turn around, he laughed at her vanity.

"Just follow me." The nurse said in a rather husky voice.

There was a chair in the corner of the room for Archer to sit in and Gia sat on the examining table. The nurse took her blood pressure and temperature and recorded the information onto the chart in her hand. She stepped to the door and told them that the nurse practitioner would be in a few moments.

"I thought you were seeing a midwife." Archer queried.

"Well a midwife will deliver the baby when it's time, but I'll see this person during my pregnancy. I wanted to make sure that the baby was safe, so I choose a well-respected practitioner. I'm lucky my parents are still paying for my insurance, otherwise I would have to go on Medicaid."

They chatted idly about the weather and the work that Archer was currently involved with. After just a few minutes there was a knock at the door and it opened slowly. 

A tall well-built man came through the door. As he greeted his new patient and turned to meet the person who accompanied her, his chin hit his chest.

"Archer, I have to say, I never expected to see you in here." 

Phil Crossen reached out to shake Archer's hand and Arch cringed slightly at his touch. Luckily there was a nametag on Phil's lab coat, because Archer couldn't remember his name for anything. 

"Hi Phil, long time..."

Gianna's eyes searched Arch's for some recognition. What she saw was almost a blank stare. 

"Ummm...Phil, this is Gianna Blanchard, my best friend."

Phil smiled at her, blanching at the silent awkwardness of the situation. He turned toward his new patient and shook her hand as well.

Gianna understood that some explanations were going to have to happen before the uneasiness that had settled in the air would be lifted and they could get on with this.

"Phil, I guess that you know Archer from the past somewhere and I suppose that from the whitewashed look on his face that you may have known each other in what shall we say "the biblical sense." Archer is my best friend and will be here through my pregnancy to help and support me, he is not however, the father of my baby." The horrified look on Archer's face was priceless. "Do you think we could get on with my appointment now?"

Phil cleared his throat and apologized.

"Sure, I'm sorry; this is really none of my business." He crossed to the set of cabinets on the opposite end of the room and withdrew a standard gown and handed it to Gia.

"I'll need you to get changed, if you want Archer can wait in the hall." She smiled at him as he left the room to give her some privacy.

She hopped down off of the table and slipped out of her shoes. When she started to unbutton her skirt, she glanced up to see if Archer looked uncomfortable. 

She sort of giggled, "Not like there's anything that we haven't seen before, huh?" After spending the first year of grad school sharing a small apartment, modesty was indeed no longer necessary.

He helped her tie the strings of the much too large gown after she slipped in on and she clutched the back as she headed back over to the table. As she was ascending the examining table again, Phil knocked and pushed the door open slightly.

"Are we ready?" He asked as he came back into the room slowly. 

"Sure," Gianna chuckled as he closed the door. "Ready as we'll ever be." Her nerves were showing just a bit in Archer's opinion.

"Okay, then. Gianna, I'll have you lie back here while I check your abdomen." He adjusted the table so that she wasn't flat on her back and helped her to lean back. His large hands were gliding over her stomach, appraising the slight eruption of her early pregnancy, measuring the size and feeling for anything out of the ordinary. He then put his stethoscope in place and listened to her chest and down around her belly. 

"Sounds good. Let's check the rest, okay." Gianna knew that he was going to do an internal examination and she crooked her finger at Archer.

"You might want to come up here for this part." She smirked at him.

He left his seat and sidled up next to her as she lifted her left hand for him to hold. Phil got his gloves and proceeded with the exam quickly and deftly. Archer watched Gia's eyes the whole time. When he heard the snap of Phil's gloves being removed he finally looked up. 

As he helped Gianna move her legs from the stirrups of the examining table, he asked "So, do you want to try and hear the heartbeat?" 

Arch searched Gia's face. "Do you?"

"Oh yes," she practically squealed. Archer hadn't realized that they would even be able to hear it this soon.

Phil moved to the head of the table and grabbed a monitor of some sort and a bottle that looked to Archer like lube.

A light blue glop of gel pooled on Gianna's stomach and Phil placed the wand of the instrument on top of the gel and moved it around Gia's tummy. 

Trepidation filled Gianna's eyes as she waited for the first sign of the life growing inside of her. All Archer could hear was static. And then Phil started making slower more deliberate circles, zeroing in on a small thumping sound.

Suddenly the room was filled with the reverberations of a hollow thudding sound. B... boom, B... boom. The baby's heartbeat was strong and loud. Archer looked down at his best friend to see her sobbing softly. He clutched her hand as tight as he could without hurting her and stroked her cheek. 

"I guess we're gonna have a baby, huh?" She said between smiles and tears flowing down her face.

He couldn't say anything. He just nodded back and felt his chest swell with love for her and pride that she would dare to have this baby alone. Well, not really alone, she had all of them to help, but ultimately she would be the only parent and he suddenly realized that maybe the fear that Jeremy had talked about when they were nineteen, was something wholly real and very frightening for him. 

Maybe presented with something as overwhelming and life changing as the future, he would be just as scared as the lover who fled from him all those years ago? He was glad that they were almost done. He was going to call Amy the first thing when he got home.

Phil cleaned Gia's tummy with a couple of tissues and told her she could sit up.

"It says here that the first day of your last period was September 15th?" Phil questioned her.

"Yes, that's right." Gia answered him.

"That would make you due on or about June 21st. He put down the wheel chart that helped him to determine her due date and picked up a prescription pad. 

"Here's a prescription for your prenatal vitamins and I'll want to see you back here in four weeks, okay?" 

Gia nodded her ascent and Phil shook her hand. "Congratulations Gianna." He reached across for Archer's hand and shook his as well. "You too Uncle Archer." Phil smiled and Archer happily agreed.

"Thanks Phil." Archer said as he was leaving the room. "I can trust you take care of my girl?" 

Phil winked at his rather seductively and smiled. "Of course you can Arch, of course you can."

***

The drive back to Gianna's was almost silent. Archer was in a hurry to get home and call Ashland and Gia could tell that he was seriously contemplating something and kept her mouth shut. 

When they reached her front door, Archer leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Do you need anything?" He asked her sincerely.




The Polaris Effect Ch. 07



"Nope, good to go for now. Call ya later sweetie." She touched his forearm in their signature moment of shared intimacy and she got out of the car and went in the house. She turned and waved to him as he backed up and he blew her a kiss as he pulled away.

All the time he was driving the short six blocks back to his townhouse, he thought of the revelation he had in the doctor's office. All the years of blaming Jeremy for leaving him suddenly washed away. Archer bolted in his own way too. Rebelling against his parents and splitting for Europe was the only way he could deal with his loss. He didn't try to stay in contact with Jeremy or with his folks after he finally settled down. There was no way that anyone besides his friends in the Bay Area would know where he was. Even his own parents never stayed in touch after he rebuffed their advances at reconciling while he was in college. That was something he was going to have to fix as well. As an adult, he could see now why they had been so upset at him for wanting to run away. The baby in Gianna's stomach made the picture crystal clear for him. She would do anything to protect that little life and that was exactly what his parents, in their own way had been doing for him.

He parked his car and walked a couple of stores up from his building to grab some lunch. At the little Chinese grocery he bought some noodles and vegetables and other sundry items. He trekked up the stairs to his third floor condo and unlocked the door. As he stood putting the groceries away, the phone rang.

He grabbed the cordless from the cradle and happily mocked at who he thought would have to be Gianna telling him something she had forgotten to say before he dropped her off.

"What'd ya forget?" He waited for an answer

A heavily accented French female voice spoke in what sounded like a tunnel, "I have an international call for Mr. Archer Finklin."

"This is Archer Finklin," he replied uncertain of who would be calling him from overseas.

"Go ahead," said the French lady on the other end of the line.

"Archer, it's your father." He stood still wondering if telepathy was really all that out of this world?

"Dad?" Archer answered quizzically.

"I have some bad news." 



The Polaris Effect Ch. 08



Chapter Eight – HOME Is Where Your Heart Is

When Jeremy awoke, he could hear clambering about downstairs. He was sure that he recognized his sister's voice in the melee, which meant that it was probably family dinner night tonight, a tradition that had survived even though they had not all been able to attend. When Jeremy left Ashland all those years ago, the sense of comfort that his family brought to him slowly faded away; riddled with guilt, he blocked the memories of warm, robust dinners gathered around the old pine dining table in his parent's house. Nights when they had sat, sometimes Archer at his side, laughing and talking, drinking coffee or wine or soda, playing board games or cards or dice until they had all laughed so long and so hard, they were exhausted. Even though his heart was still heavy with dread, Jeremy was actually looking forward to seeing the rest of his family again. It had been so very long since he had felt a part of something larger than his own troubles.

He stretched long and hard, hoping that he could keep his emotions in check for the rest of the evening. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he surveyed the room. His mom had kept some of his old school things in here. The desk in the corner was the one he had sat in front of for years doing his homework. Casually, he strolled over to it and sat in a new, somewhat stiff office chair that must have come from a local computer store. There was a new computer on the corner of the desk with the latest printer, scanner, fax unit off to the side on an old end table covered with coffee rings that Jeremy recognized from his parent's living room. With his hand shaking just a bit, the tips of his fingers touched the handle of the drawer where he always kept his journals. He didn't have to wonder if they would be in there. His mom was too much of a sentimentalist to remove them. The silver of the wire spirals glinted as the light caught the metal and reflected back into his eyes. The faded covers and torn edges showed the repetitive dunks they had taken into his high school backpack. 

They were in chronological order, the last year he had been at home on top. Wide, black, sweeping numerals stood against the royal blue laminated cover; 1992-1993 Journal was printed in the middle of the book in his teenage scrawl. As he lifted it from its resting place, he shuddered silently. The memories were going to serve as a catalyst, he was sure. What direction they turned him depended on the attitude he took as he read them. He was so tired; tired of being sad and angry at the world, tired of feeling unloved and unwanted. He carefully replaced the notebook without opening it, slid the drawer closed and walked out of the room and into the bathroom across the hall to freshen up. When he felt presentable, he meandered down the stairs to face the troops. This sudden turn in his life had made an impact on him. He consciously admitted to himself that he had been a spoiled, selfish child for the last ten years. He had abandoned his family; the man he loved with all his heart, and all of his hopes and dreams, because the path he had been on hadn't been an easy one. The buck stopped here, as his boss was so fond of saying. It was time he took responsibility for where his life was headed. 

***

Shaun and Emily Rhodes were spoiled as well. At thirteen and ten, they were smothered and surrounded by love and acceptance. They had their parents and their grandparents wrapped around their little fingers. However the sense of right and wrong that their Grandma Amy had instilled in their mother, and all of her children, had been passed down to them. Whether they were pre-disposed to compassion and justice was either genetic lineage or years of having it pounded into their sponge-like brains from the time they were old enough to listen. Shaun was proudly presiding over the presentation of his latest report card to his grandmother. She seemed happy today, a lot happier than he had ever seen her. 

"Hey Grams, whose Honda is that parked outside." Shaun questioned while she was still glowing over his last quarter grades. 

"Uncle Jeremy's," she responded quickly. "He just got her a couple of hours ago sweetie. He is upstairs resting." 

Shaun's eyes dropped to the floor. His Uncle Jeremy was the family hermit. He had left home for Seattle the year after Shaun was born and even though he was Shaun's godfather, he didn't really remember him at all. His uncle sent him a birthday card every year with twenty bucks in it, but Shaun was under the impression that it was more of a bribe than birthday money. Instead of ever having to be a presence in Shaun's or any of his family's life, he simply sent money to buy what he hoped was their understanding. 

Shaun thought he knew all there was to the story. He could repeat it verbatim if he had too. His mom and Grams had sat at that old, rickety avocado green kitchen table so many times talking about his "poor Uncle Jeremy" he felt like he was going to heave it if had to listen to it one more time. In Shaun's thirteen-year-old mind, his uncle was a creep. He had run out on the one person he was supposed to love more than anything in the world. Shaun had never known why he had run, but he always figured it was just because he was scared. Wouldn't anybody be scared though? Sometimes his compassion welled up enough that he felt sorry for his Uncle Jeremy. After all, realizing you are gay can be scary stuff.

Grams had finally told him most of the story last year when he had hinted to her that he might also be gay. 

"Shaun, do you know how much I love you?" She had asked him after he hemmed and hawed for so long that there was an abyss between them so wide that the Titanic would have fit through it. 

"Yep Grams, all around the world and back again." He smiled big, showing his gleaming teeth covered in those new clear braces. His love for his grandmother swelled inside him. She accepted him for what he was and never questioned his motives for any decision he ever made. With his parents, it had always been about rationalizations, with his Grams, it was simpler. Acceptance was her mantra. He knew if he told her his secrets, that she wouldn't judge him. He counted on it in fact. 

"There's somebody at school that I like...a lot." His head tilted to the side in a coy gesture and he glanced up at her surreptitiously. 

"Really, sweetheart, that's exciting." She reached for a plate of chocolate chip cookies that she had just made that morning.

Shaun was really nervous. The summer sun had caused his shirt to soak through on the ride over here, so at lease she really couldn't tell he was sweating about the conversation. He grabbed a cookie and shoved it in his mouth, and then he started talking again.

"Uh hu, I... ben... feelin funny ver since school started... so I thought... I ould come talk to you bout it." 

Amy rolled her eyes at her grandson as she got up and reached into the refrigerator behind her and grabbed the milk. She poured him a big glass and set it in front of him. He recognized that he shouldn't have been talking with his mouth full and chuckled to himself at her tactics. His mom would have simply told him not to talk with his mouth full. He swallowed the milk and wiped his mouth with a paper napkin.

Her eyes were so full of understanding. But she'd been through this all before, hadn't she, with Uncle Jeremy. Shaun knew that his uncle was gay and that his family was very accepting of him. He was the one who couldn't handle it when he was young. So now he stayed away.

"Grams, its Justin...I think I like Justin." Shaun found that he was shaking a little bit. It was the first time he had really said it out loud. 

She did exactly what he thought she would...she smiled at him; not a questioning smile, not a judgmental smile, not even a disappointed smile. A smile he knew was reserved especially for him. 

"Have you told him?" 

"No, not yet Grams. I think he's gay, but I'm not exactly sure." He thought a moment about the next question he had. He didn't want to pry, but it would be really great to hear about somebody else's experiences when they were coming out too. He sucked it up and blurted it out.

"Grams.... Um, I know that it's kind of private, but would you tell me about what happened when Uncle Jeremy came out?"

His grandmother studied him for a moment, considering his request. Shaun had inherited his father's blonde hair and combined with the greenish hazel eyes that ran on her side of the family, he was turning into quite a handsome young man. She knew that there was no way to protect him from the hurt he was likely to endure as a consequence of his God-given sexual preference. She ached though at the thought of watching him suffer the way Jeremy had when he was just a little bit older than Shaun. That whole year that he withdrew from everyone until he and Archer had worked their problems out the first time. And then there was the horrible breakup that they went through at the end when Arch had been completely devastated and Jeremy intentionally disconnected himself from his family. Yep, he still had major issues.

"Well Shaun that is kind of a private matter. And if you want to know specific details then you will have to ask your Uncle Jeremy. I will only tell you what I saw as an outsider to Jeremy and Archer's relationship that might help you in your journey, okay?" 

Shaun's head nodded in agreement and she started to tell him the story of Jeremy's visits to the summer camp outside of Ashland and the year that he met Archer. She spoke about the ecstatic letters she and Gramps had gotten from their youngest son the year that he turned 15. He was having the time of his life and he had made a new friend. They were opposites in every aspect and yet they formed a special bond that summer. When he came home after the six weeks at camp he seemed withdrawn and distant. Everyone had tried to draw him out, to talk about all of the wonderful things that he had done while he was away. He had spoken with such exuberance in the letters that they had all expected a happy go lucky teenager when he returned. What they got was a sullen, obviously depressed young man. 


"That next year was very hard for him Shaun. He wouldn't talk to anyone about what was bothering him and later I found out it was because he thought that we would all be unhappy about his feelings toward Archer. The two of them managed to work everything out and by the beginning of their next school year they were inseparable."

She sighed a bit. Shaun knew from all of the conversations that he overheard while he was growing up about Uncle Jeremy that Grams still felt that Jeremy and Archer belonged together. She told Shaun's mom that she believed each person had a soulmate; one other soul on Earth that completed them perfectly. Very clearly, she thought that Archer was Uncle Jeremy's soulmate.

"Shaun, honey look; you are a wonderful boy, excuse me, young man. You are talented and smart. You're a looker and you have a warm, compassionate heart. Be yourself sweetheart. Don't let people decide for you who or what you are going to be. Use your instincts, and let people in at your own discretion. If Justin is truly your friend, it will not matter one way or the other if he is gay. Whatever happens, just take it one step at a time."

Shaun thought about what she said. He had never even considered what he would do if Justin wasn't able to return his feelings. Now he thought that if that were the case and they couldn't be boyfriends, at least he could convince himself that they could still be friends. And that someday he would find his soulmate, but one thing was for sure, he wouldn't chase him away like his uncle had.

"Thanks Grams. I knew I could count on you."

"Yes you can Shaun, always."

***


Jeremy scanned the living room as he came down the stairs. His sister, Amber was sitting on their parent's couch with her daughter Emily curled up next to her. His nephew and godson, Shaun was hunched over the piano, tinkering with the keys. Jeremy had seen pictures of them over the years of course. Amber sent them every year in her Christmas card and she kept in touch with him via email so he was up to speed on everything that the kids were into. Shaun was in junior high and ran track, played in the school band and had a knack for writing. Just this year he had been chosen to write a sports column for the little school paper. Amber had been so proud of him that Jeremy could almost see the words glowing with pride as he read them on his computer screen.

Emily was in fifth grade and was a dancer. Pretty and petite, Jeremy thought that she looked just like his sister had as a child. Amber's husband John was an insurance salesman, just like Jeremy's dad and had been in the same office with him until Ted Sandler had retired a couple of years ago. Jeremy didn't see his brother anywhere and thought about all of the nights that they had eaten dinner without his dad because some policy or claim had come first. He must have had unresolved issues with this fact because suddenly he was angry at John for not being there with his wife and children.

As Jeremy reached the bottom of the stairs his father rounded the corner from the kitchen. You could have knocked him over with a feather from the look on his face. Ted Sandler stood rooted to the floor as he stared at his youngest son. Jeremy walked the short distance to him and when he got close enough he was surprised to see his dad open his arms. Not normally a demonstrative man, Ted hugged Jeremy tightly. Jeremy could hear him choking back tears. He sniffed softly and thumped Jeremy on the back. 

"It's good to see you son." Ted said into Jeremy's ear before he let his son out of his grasp. 

"You too dad," Jeremy whispered and appraised his father's appearance. Although it had been ten years since he had seen him, his mom had told Jeremy how much stress seemed to have taken its toll on his father. Jeremy could see the telltale signs. His face was worn like broken in leather and his brow was covered in canyons and valleys. His eyes looked tired and Jeremy could finally understand the burden his dad had carried in his eyes for all those years. Being a responsible adult was no easy task. And Jeremy hadn't even been living up to his responsibilities lately. 

Ted Sandler sat down next to his granddaughter and his daughter on the living room sofa. He had been out all afternoon estimating the damage on a wreck that belonged to one of his old clients. Even though he had been retired for going on two years, his long-time friends and clients still depended on him to add his expertise to any situation that they were uncomfortable or skeptical. 

Jeremy walked over to his sister and leaned over to kiss her cheek. Amber smiled at him and introduced him to Emily. She smiled a shy little-girl smile at him and tucked her head into her mom's armpit, blushing. What a cutie, Jeremy thought as he tickled her arm while she squirmed beneath him. He looked over to where Shaun was sitting. His nephew's head was down and he was still playing indiscriminately with the ivories. Jeremy felt the resistance radiating off of him. He wasn't sure what it was all about. He had tried to keep in touch with Shaun over the years, but like so much of his life lately, he had failed at even the simplest correspondence.

Jeremy reached the piano and sat next to Shaun on the narrow black bench. 

"Hey buddy, I sure am happy to see you."

Shaun's eyes glared at him. "Really, how long you here for?"

Jeremy knew he deserved that. Shaun was obviously feeling neglected by a person that he would have traditionally been very close to. With Jeremy being Shaun's godfather as well as his uncle, his responsibilities to the boy had doubled. He had accepted the job when Amber asked him about it, even though he was only eighteen. Life had been happy and carefree then. He and Archer were still together and unaffected by anything outside of their families or each other.

"I don't know Shaun. I have a lot of things to work out. While, I am here though, I'd like for us to be friends. Would that be okay?" Jeremy waited for a quick-witted response.

"Yeah, I guess," was all Shaun bothered to reply.

"Okay, how about if we start right now?" He glanced at him mom, "how long until dinner?" She was always his cavalry.

"Bout a half hour. Why don't you boys go outside and get some fresh air while Amber and Emily and I finish everything up." She winked at Jeremy.

"What'd ya say Shaun, want to go for a walk with me?" Shaun shrugged his shoulders and got up from the bench. He knew it would be rude of him to refuse, but he still didn't want to go. If his Uncle Jeremy had really wanted to be his friend, he would have tried a lot harder, a long time ago.

They headed out the back door and Jeremy turned toward a path etched in the field heading in the direction of the railroad tracks. He and Archer would always walk along the tracks when they needed time to think or when they just wanted to be alone. The trains had stopped running through there twenty years before. Jeremy was unsteady on the old iron rails. His big feet, even in sneakers were not as nimble as they had been when he was sixteen or seventeen. He smiled to himself at the things that had changed since he left. He was an old man now, in his eyes and in Shaun's. 

His young nephew walked a few paces in front of him. He had picked up a long willow branch on the path and was scraping it against the worn tracks as they went.

"Shaun" Jeremy said softly.

"Huh?" 

"I'm sorry." There was no other way to get past this and he figured telling his nephew the truth was the best way to win back his trust.

"Sorry bout what?" Shaun said his back still to Jeremy.

Jeremy took a long step and caught Shaun's shoulder with his hand. "For not being here for you." Shaun stood there staring at Jeremy for a long minute.

"s okay Uncle Jeremy, I know you have an important job in Seattle and your own life up there." Shaun wasn't sure just how honest he should be with his uncle. His eyes reminded Shaun so much of Grams. Like a pool of calm, inviting water they lulled you into believing that you were safe and secure when you were with them. But Shaun knew his uncle's history all too well. At least he thought he did.

"mmm... I'm thinkin' about quitting that job." Jeremy confided in his nephew. 

He hadn't told anyone what he was planning when he left Seattle. As he drove down the interstate this morning, he began to re-evaluate his priorities. Now, seeing Shaun and realizing what his disappearing act had done to his family, he needed no help to sort them out. Family was the most important thing in life; family and love. Of course, the love issue was going to take more than just an apology to fix. In order to make things work with Archer, if he could indeed find him and get him to listen to him, he would have to win back his trust. Prove that he wasn't going to run at the drop of a hat ever again.

Shaun was shocked. He stood there watching his uncle's eyes as he obviously considered what were very serious subjects. 

"How come you want to quit?" Shaun asked him finally.

"It's a long story bud, but let's just say... I found out what was really important in life."

"Uncle Jeremy?" Shaun knew he shouldn't say anything about Archer, but he was just about bursting to know what was going on.

"Yeah buddy." 

"Are you going to try to work things out with Archer?" Jeremy stared at the young boy in disbelief. After a moment, he laughed out loud. 

"Grams been fillin you in on my wild youth, has she?" Shaun smiled at his uncle. He was beginning to see why Grams loved him so much. He was pretty funny.

"Nah, she just answered some questions for me last year when I asked her about you coming out." Shaun assumed he could figure it out from that clue.




The Polaris Effect Ch. 08



"Why Shaun?" Jeremy wanted him to say it himself. His gaydar had been going off ever since they left the house. After all, it was genetic, in his opinion. 

"Cuz I'm gay Uncle Jeremy. I've known for a year or so now. I wanted Grams to tell me all about what happened to you when you discovered you were gay. She told me that most of that was personal and if I wanted to know details, I would have to ask you, but she did tell me a little bit about how you and Archer met and then what happened at the end." Shaun was relieved. His Uncle Jeremy was only the third person he had ever told his secret to. "Are you going to try to find him Uncle Jeremy? Grams says you two just belong together. Soulmates, you know?"

Jeremy was amazed at the maturity Shaun was showing. 

"Shaun, would it be okay if I gave you a hug?"

Shaun didn't have to answer him. He snuggled his small, wiry frame into his uncle's immense grasp. 

"Thank you Shaun, I have a lot of these to make up for and I wanted to get started as soon as possible." 

As he let go, Shaun tilted his head up to his uncle's face. "What are you going to do about Archer then?"

"Well buddy, tomorrow Grams is going to see if she can find Archer's parents and then we'll just take it from there." Jeremy glanced at his watch and steered Shaun back in the other direction. "You know even if I do find him Shaun, there's no guarantee that he is going to forgive me." 

"Don't worry Uncle Jeremy, if I can, he can too."

Jeremy chuckled, "Out of the mouths of babes..." 

They walked quietly for a few yards.

"I hope you're right Shaun, I sure hope you're right."



The Polaris Effect Ch. 09



Chapter Nine – Floating

Gianna knocked softly on the door to her best friend's condo. She couldn't get him to answer the phone and he hadn't been at work in two days. Courtney, his assistant had called her in a panic when he hadn't shown up again this morning. She said she was worried. Prior to the conversation they had on the phone about him trying to find Jeremy again, Gianna herself would have been terrified too. But this wasn't going to be a repeat performance. It just couldn't be!

George and Landers huddled behind her as she put her key in the lock. None of them really knew what to expect. A sense of déjà vu passed over all three of them though. This exact scene had played out in front of them once before. Last year they found their friend practically lifeless and naked on his bedroom floor, empty prescription bottles lying next to him. Gianna was the only who could think or move. She had snatched up the phone in his bedroom and called 911. He had survived that attempt, but who knows if he had learned from his mistakes and really taken his life this time? 

Archer heard the door open. Only one person had a key to his house, so Gianna must be worried and stopped by to check on him. He lay in a rumpled ball on the floor next to his bed, his tangled hair drooping over his face and his knees drawn up to his chin. He knew he should get up and take a shower, or make some coffee to bring him around, but somehow he just couldn't bring himself to move.

The three familiar faces appeared in the alcove separating his bedroom from the family room. They stood there with stricken looks on their faces and were all white as a sheet. He glanced up at Gia momentarily and then looked away again. He had let her down again. After promising to be there for her, to be the strong one; he had once again fallen into the pit of despair that paralyzed him beyond his control. 

Gianna turned and whispered to the boys and they retreated into the family room. She approached him apprehensively, kneeling next to his mammoth shoulders and stroking his hair away from his face.

"Archer honey, what's wrong?" This pregnancy thing was really starting to make her feel like everybody's mother. She was a little scared of it.

He didn't answer her. The similarity to a whipped puppy in his eyes scared her even more. She turned and set her purse down at the end of the bed, removed her coat and lay down on the floor next to him. She inched her way toward him until she could feel his forehead under hers. 

Guilt coursed through her veins, as she slowly ran her hand up and down his arm. His skin was cold to the touch under the shirt he had been wearing three days ago when he went with her to the clinic. She could only assume that he had done what they had talked about on that day. That he had tried to find Jeremy and now something had happened to put him back into this fragile state.

"Arch sweetheart, please tell me what's going on. Did you try to call Jeremy's mom? Did you finally talk to him?" 

Gianna would have no way of knowing that she was barking up the wrong tree. She only knew what he was thinking of doing the last time they talked. There was no way she could have known about the phone call.

His voice creaked as he tried to say the words, "Europe…dead."

She gasped. Jeremy was dead? How was Archer ever going to deal with this, just when he had gotten the courage to try to find him? Now he would never be happy. A single tear slipped down her cheek. 

"Oh Arch, I'm so sorry. When did he die sweetie?" 

A curious expression crossed his face. Who did she think was dead? 

"Her, not him." He croaked out a little more clearly.

"Her, who?" She was totally confused. She sat up and looked down at him.

"My mom." The sniffles took over again as he tried to wrap his brain around the fact that the woman who had given him life was dead at fifty-four years old. 

Gianna let the air whoosh from her lungs. Oh thank goodness it wasn't Jeremy. She was slightly taken aback by Archer's revelation though. He had never been close to his parents as long as she had known him. But maybe hearing the baby's heartbeat at the clinic the other day had affected him more profoundly than he had admitted to her.

"Honey, your mom passed away?" She scooted back toward him and he slid his head into her lap. She idly patted his arm, giving comfort the only way she could. 

"Mmm… dad called to tell me." He seemed to be coming around slightly. He should have just called Gia to begin with and then maybe he wouldn't be lying on this floor sweaty and greasy. 

"When did he call sweetheart?" Gia continued to cuddle him close to her.

"I don't know, last night I guess…after I dropped you off." He methodically twisted one of the buttons on his sleeve until it came off in his hand.

"Archer that was three days ago." His head swiveled around and he looked into her eyes. He could see the strain and the worry there. 

"Oh god G, I'm so sorry." He sat up quickly, his body was shaking and his mind was a jumble of mixed up emotions. 

"I guess I shut down again, didn't I?" He wanted to cry, for his mom and for the sense of loss he felt when he thought of his life. 

"It's okay Arch, it's understandable under the circumstances. Why don't you go see if you can grab a shower and I'll call your office and let Courtney know what's happened. She was really worried about you, hon."

Gianna started for the other room as she watched Archer stand tentatively. 

"Do you want me to send one of the boys in to keep you company?" Archer winced at the thought of having to explain why he'd lost three days of his life to anyone else.

Registering the sour look, Gia withdrew her offer. "Okay, no problem, you want to be alone, but Arch…" She paused and got the desired effect. He looked directly at her. "Please call if there is anything you need, okay?" 

He nodded and felt like a five year-old, but he knew that Gia's concerns weren't without merit. When he came out of one of these "blue funks" he was always remorseful. Rationally, his conscious mind told him that he could control this temporary "psychosis," but every time it happened, he now realized he had no control over it whatsoever. He had no idea that three days had passed since he had taken Gianna to the clinic and come home to the life-altering phone call from his father. 

As he stood in the shower and let it cleanse his over-wrought body, he thought back to the last thing he could remember. He had just come in from dropping Gia off when the phone rang. He remembered the operator's French accent and his father's voice saying there was bad news and that was it. How had he gotten to the bedroom? How could he make it for three days with no food or water? Had he eaten or had he simply lain there for the entire time? One thing was clear, he needed to talk to Anne and find out why his meds weren't effective against this type of episode. 

The shower had helped somewhat and at least now he was feeling slightly more human. As he emerged from the bedroom suite and wandered toward the kitchen, he was surprised to find Gianna waiting there alone with a small plate of toast, some orange juice and a bowl of cereal. He sat down and stared at the dishes. 

She spoke quietly, "I sent the boys on their way honey. I swear they haven't slept in their own bed in a week. George's "mother hen" mode is in full swing with this baby thing."

His eyes showed his embarrassment. "Thanks G, this is all kind of hard to wrap my head around and I don't know how comfortable I would be talking about it to them?"

She came up next to him and tried to soothe him by rubbing his back. "Archer, look… you've had a shock. There is no reason you should blame yourself or condemn yourself for this whole thing. If you need to, call Anne and go talk to her about it, but don't let yourself wallow in self-pity anymore, okay? There is nothing you could have done to prevent this."

He was still having a difficult time with that whole concept though. The more he thought about what had happened, the more confused he got. Was it the fact that his mom was dead that truly had upset him and sent him over the edge of sanity? Or was it the fact that he had convinced himself that happiness was just around the corner with his decision to try and find Jeremy and now that wasn't going to happen?

His silence scared Gianna a bit. She had things she needed to do today, but she was a little bit uncomfortable leaving Archer alone, even though he seemed to be physically fine now.

"You're gonna be okay Arch." She reiterated.

"I know hon, I'll be fine. Just something else to work through." He reached back and patted her hand on his shoulder.

"If you'll bring me the phone, I'll give Anne's office a call right now and you can be on your way. I appreciate you pulling me back to reality Gia, I really do."

She laid the phone on his glass dining table and kissed his cheek. She knew that tone all too well and it meant that this was something he had to do by himself. No matter how much she loved him or cared about his well being, he was still an independent grown man and he didn't need her there any longer. It had stung the first time she fully realized there were parts of himself that he wasn't willing to share with her, but it had taught her one thing. The foolish crush that had grown in her heart as they became closer their first few years of college, was just that, a crush that couldn't be anything more. She was part of his life as just what she needed to be, his best friend.

She turned and picked up her coat and headed for the door. She glanced back to see his head bowing toward the table.

"Wait G…" He stood up and crossed the floor to his front door. "I'm sorry."

He wrapped her in a warm embrace and whispered in her ear. "Don't worry hon, it won't happen again, I promise. There's too much to live for now!"

A little gasp escaped her lungs without her realizing what she had done.

"I love you Arch. Take care of yourself, please. Not for me, or your dad, or even Jeremy. Do it for yourself Archer." Little tears had crept from her eyes and let the fear of what he might have done really settle for the first time. A shudder past through her body and he held her head in his big hands and looked deep into her eyes.

"I love you too Gianna. You have been my port in the storm these last few years and I don't know what I would have done without you. And I will, Gia. I will take care of myself." He kissed her forehead and hugged her one more time.

She pulled herself from him and walked outside into the cold November morning. She couldn't do anything else for him. She had to trust his words and hope above all, he could find the help he needed with his therapist. She had somebody else to worry about now! A little somebody who was causing her to feel awfully nauseated at the moment, or maybe it was just a premonition of dread and fear rolling through her.

***

Archer never called Anne. He went back through the door and grabbed his wallet and his keys. He was wearing khakis, a worn flannel shirt and his sneakers. He didn't reach for a jacket or even turn off the light in the living room, he just rushed out and got in his aging Volvo and drove. He had to get out of there. He had to find someplace to think. And he had to find Jeremy. He knew it now. His mom's life had been cut short at the midpoint. He only had twenty years or so until he hit that mark as well. There wasn't any more time to wonder what Jeremy would think or who he might be with? He had to do this now, before it was too late.

He pulled out of the small city and onto the freeway. Traffic was light for this normally congested road, but it was mid-morning and all of the commuters had made it to their destinations already. He drove northeast on the sprawling I-80 freeway until he reached the outskirts of the Bay Area. He crossed the Carquinez Bridge and passed through the growing suburbs of Solano County. Vallejo, Fairfield, Vacaville. They had all been sleepy bedroom communities when he started college, now they were cities all on their own. He had done the traditional trek to the beloved Pumpkin Patch at the Nut Tree with their scarecrow building contest a couple of times with the "Fearsome Foursome" in their early days at Berkeley, but as he approached the landmark he was sad to see that it had succumb to time as well. Cleared open space lay naked for all to see where there used to be an icon of a restaurant, toy shop and the actual train that pulled hundreds of thousands of kids and kids at heart around the property to the little airport at the back of the property. He shook his head in disgust as he turned off at the exit for Highway 5. The first sign he passed read, Redding, 250 miles. He could stop there if he needed gas or something to eat. 

At first he was only driving. Driving to clear his head. Driving to give him something to do beside sit in that damned house and continue to go crazy. But he knew that's not what he was doing now. The cutoff at Highway 5 meant only one thing. He was headed to Oregon. He was going home! He couldn't kid himself anymore. Nothing else mattered now. The need for Jeremy was so strong that he could almost feel him again, the need for peace so immense that he could hear his soft voice, loving him once more. He knew he should try to call Amy and see what was going on first. That showing up on her doorstep was rude and unacceptable, but this was Amy he was talking about. No need to stand on ceremony with her. If there was anyone who accepted life as it was given, it was Amy Sandler. He would call her from Yreka that should give her plenty of time to get over the shock before he got to Ashland. 

It had started to rain somewhere outside of Redding and so he did decide to stop and get gas. There was a restaurant inside of the Red Lion Inn on the edge of town and he had been there a couple of times when he was a kid, so he figured he would at least get a cup of tea and maybe a piece of pie to stay him until he got to Ashland.

He finished his pie and used the restroom again before leaving. He started the car and headed back toward the highway. The stretch before Redding was sparse and dotted only with occasional farms and very small towns, but this part of the journey had always been his favorite. The edge of the Lassen National Forrest skirted the route and the drive through Mt. Shasta was always scenic. But now in the middle of November it was dark around five and as he glanced at the emblazoned blinking of the green on the clock in his dash, he saw that it was almost four in the afternoon. He worried suddenly if it had snowed yet this year? If it was snowing on the mountain he could get stuck paying one of those hacks a hundred bucks to put his chains on for him? He was in no shape to do it, himself! 

He stopped worrying and just drove. He would just have to deal with whatever came up at this point. Nothing was going to stop him from getting to Ashland now. He turned on the radio and scanned for a station. He had the volume turned up to hear what each station was, but when one finally came into range it blasted through the speakers. Eeeh gad, that new age crap that the girls always listened to at Gianna's place. Her name in his sub-conscious suddenly made him flinch a bit. He should have called her, but this was more important now. He would call her after he talked to Amy.

The music was soft and eerie. Something about it held him there. The singer's lyrics began and the words hung in the air like fireflies buzzing around him on a summer night. Thick and haunting, brushing past him and creating a cobweb of memories in his brain…

I have a smilestretched from ear to earto see you walking down the road

we meet at the lightsI stare for a whilethe world around disappears

just you and meon this island of hopea breath between us could be miles

Tears streamed down Archer's pale face as he continued up the highway in the dark. When it was finished the DJ's bubbly, excited voice announced… That was Sarah McLachlan with her song "I Love You" from the Live CD, Mirrorball *.

He couldn't understand why it had hit him so hard, but then as he started to consider the lyrics, he finally rationalized why he was so upset. When he started driving this morning, he hadn't considered what he would do or say if Jeremy was indeed in love with another person after all these years? Suddenly morose and distracted at the proposition of all of this falling apart at the seams, he felt the vehicle swerve underneath him. There was ice on the road coming down the far side of the mountain. The dark blue Volvo caught the side of a steep embankment and he heard the crunch of sheet metal bending. He tapped his brakes and hoped that he could stop in time for the worst to be avoided. The right front tire hopped a few feet and he skidded to a stop askew from the slow lane of traffic. 

He cursed himself under his breath and carefully opened his door when the traffic in his rearview mirror was clear. He crossed in front of the car and noticed that one of his headlights had been damaged as well. Shaking his head in disgust, he rounded the corner and looked down the side of the battered machine. A three-foot crease practically folded the passenger door in half! Okay, maybe he was being dramatic, but there was a sizeable dent there. The damage to the car really didn't matter to him. The car was old and it was not on any of his priority lists right now, only getting to Ashland and finding out where Jeremy was, was foremost in his mind. He started down the side of the car to look closer at the door. His feet came out from under him and in a millisecond he found himself on his back.   He groaned out loud and lay there momentarily cursing everything in sight. This is why he moved away from Northwest… yeah right! That was a crock and he knew it. 

Just get up Arch, just get up! 

Easier said than done though! He struggled for a minute and propped himself up on one elbow. The ice was getting his pants all wet and he was sure he was probably quite dirty by now too. A sharp pain flared in his right hip and he winced as a freezing wind picked up and blew past him, making him shiver. He realized he didn't have a jacket or any other clothes. Okay, this was just getting to be too much. He thought he was going to cry, but with a little bit of determination he was able to stop himself.

He righted himself and took small, careful steps back to the driver's side of the car, waited for traffic and opened the door to get in. His pants and boxers were soaked clear through and it made the prospect of driving the last hundred miles rather uncomfortable. Not to be thwarted by the evil of the winter roads, he turned the engine over and prayed that nothing else was damaged. The Volvo sputtered its normal stagnant cough and sputtered to a start just as it always had. Archer silently thanked whatever deity was responsible for his fate and pulled out into the sparse traffic. 

Wind was whistling in from the dented door as he got up to the 65 mph speed limit in the slow lane, so Arch cranked the heat up and hoped it would dry the seat of his pants as well as keep him from freezing to death. There was a rest stop coming up on the right as he approached the lights of Yreka, so he pulled in. He just needed to pull himself together enough to call Amy and not scare the pants off of her. He knew his voice was shaky and he felt out of sorts. He remembered that he hadn't taken his meds this morning in all of the turmoil and he didn't have all of them with him. His pack that he normally carried everywhere was in the backseat and it had the one bottle of Topomax in it, but not his Welbutrin, since he only took that one in the morning before he left for work. It was the combination of the two that kept him even. 




The Polaris Effect Ch. 09



He stepped out of the car into the cold North Coast night. He looked at his watch, it was 8:45 pm and he assumed that he needed to call Amy soon or she would be off to bed for the night. He didn't want this to turn into a huge drama for her too, but he chuckled to himself a little when he realized no matter what he did, this was a drama and he was the center of it. He fished into the pocket of his Levi's for some spare change and came up with enough to buy a soda from the vending machine in front of the restrooms. Before he knew what was happening he was grabbed by the shoulder and spun around. He heard the fabric of his shirt tear and felt an almighty crack in his jaw…and his world went black, again!

***

It was a frigid night in this part of California for this time of year. A weary-eyed trucker looked down at the digital clock on the dash of his eighteen-wheel machine and groaned. If he had been on the East Coast, he would be snowed in, but still he felt the window and it seemed almost like a New England November, not a mild California one. Almost three in the morning, his logbook was out of date and he had been driving for twenty hours straight. 

Chuck Randall was ten states from home and three weeks gone on his latest coast-to-coast run. He hadn't seen his wife or his kids for close to a month and he was itching to get home to the comfortable arms of his family. Most people these days did speed to keep awake. He couldn't abide the idea and kept his composure with gallons of coffee and over the counter pep pills. The coffee was rotting his gut and he lived on TUMS, but at least he didn't have to worry about the occasional random stops that the CHP did in this part of the country.

He knew he was almost to the Oregon border, but he needed to stretch his legs before they fell asleep completely. He signaled for the turn-off and caught the long driveway for the rest stop. He pulled across the far end of the lot and hauled his sleepy butt out of the cab. He stretched and yawned out loud. There were no other cars in the parking lot and he eyed the surroundings of the out building where the rest rooms were housed. He tried to remember to check his surroundings in these isolated places; you couldn't be too careful these days.

He approached the building and entered the men's room. He thought he heard a strange noise as he finished washing his hands and splashing some cold water on his weary face, but dismissed it to the wind in the tall oak trees standing at the back of the building. He shivered as he came out and stood in front of the aging vending machines two abreast on the south wall. There was that noise again. He stood stock-still and waited a few moments. He knew that any numbers of hoodlums or gang-bangers could be hanging out just waiting to accost an unsuspecting passerby. He cocked his head as the noise reached his ears. The hair on the back of his neck prickled as he recognized the sound. It was somebody moaning.

He took a step toward the sound and thought fleetingly about turning tail and running back to his truck. But what if someone was out there and they were hurt? He had been raised to help strangers in trouble and against his better judgment he moved cautiously toward the source of the distressing groan. The corner of the bricked bathroom enclosure was shrouded in darkness. The halogen streetlights from the parking lot were bright, but this was out of their reach. Step by step Chuck Randall inched into the darkness. He waited at one point to try to pinpoint the sound if it came again.

As he lifted his foot to take the next step, something brushed by his left leg. Bristling with his heart beating double its normal speed, he stepped backwards and a godforsaken scream punctuated the silence. He looked back and saw a scrawny, beige and black, feral cat streak into the light edging the parking lot. He shook his head and laughed a little at himself for being so scared of such a little cat. He turned to go back to his rig comparing the noise he heard with that of a growling cat, ready to fight. Maybe that had been what he was hearing all along? 

"Mmmmmmmph," Now that was definitely a human voice. It caused him to practically jump out of his skin.

He turned back towards the cry and shuffled about ten feet quickly trying to get to whoever was making the noise. The poor soul could feel the Good Samaritan getting closer and he continued to grunt to lead the stranger his way.

Chuck got very close and got down on his knees and felt around in the dead leaves and muddy undergrowth of those old oaks. Bump, there it was, something was moving under a dense covering. The poor soul was struggling now, wriggling around on the ground in almost a panicked frenzy, trying to get Chuck to help him. The truck driver felt the freezing cold fabric; something quilted, like a blanket or a furniture pad. He struggled to get underneath it and felt the frigid arm of a very distraught person. The body was thick and seemed strong, he was sure it was a man. 

The man was still moaning and Chuck figured he must be gagged. He found his way to the man's mouth, the skin on the back of his hand prickling as he touched each frozen extremity. The breath on his hand from the man's nose was still somewhat warm. Rapid, but warm. He felt for the mouth. His fingers encountered something sticking to his face, probably tape of some kind. He slowly started to remove it and the poor man wriggled again. He thought if he had this over his mouth, he would want someone to just rip it off. So he did. The man screamed as the air whooshed from his lungs.

*** 

Chuck had gotten Archer untied as fast as he could and inside the bathroom. The water was freezing, but he helped him to get most of the blood and dirt from his face. 

Once his scraped and battered face was clean, the modest man from the Midwest helped Archer to his truck and turned on the heat as high as it would go. 

"Are you sure you don't want me to take you to the hospital?" Chuck asked for the umpteenth time. 

"No thanks Chuck, I just need to get to Ashland if you can take me?" Archer was shaking and slightly dazed. His car was gone, they had taken his wallet and manhandled him to tie him up and gag him. They had wrapped him in a moving blanket to muffle his screams and left him to… what, die?

"Man you should really go to the police and fill out a report." Chuck couldn't believe this guy was so calm about being mugged and car-jacked.

"Yeah, I guess I should. But right now I really just need…" 

Chuck finished the sentence for him, "yeah I know, you need to get to Ashland."

"Yep, that's right." Archer actually managed a smile. 

"Okay man, let's get goin' then. Probably take us a couple of hours from here. You want to lie in the sleeper in the back?"

"Naw, I'll be okay, but thanks again Chuck. I probably would have died if you hadn't come along." Arch was picking leaves and mud out of his hair. Most of it was matted to his head from the struggle he put up when he came to and the thugs were tying him up.

At first he cried, then he screamed for a while, and then he found himself admonishing himself for not doing what Gia had asked him to do. He really hadn't taken care of himself and when he finally realized that if someone didn't find him within the next twelve hours or so he would probably die, he started to pray. 

God, I know that I am not one of your faithful, but please don't let me die here! I need to see Jeremy again. I need to reconcile myself to whatever our unfinished business is. If you can hear me, please, please… I want to live. 

Religion had never been a force in his life. His mom was an atheist and his dad had been raised in the Jewish church, but rebelled against the traditions of his church in his late teens. Consequently it just wasn't an issue at their house. Jeremy had taken him to youth group and Sunday Mass at his family's church in Ashland. They were Catholic and Jeremy's mom lived her life and taught her children to love and respect mankind. The premise was one he believed in, but the judgment that most of the hierarchy believe was bogus. The hypocritical doctrine that came across every message from "The Church" dug quietly at his soul. Love thy neighbor, but condemn homosexuals. But "the Church" wasn't God, this much he knew. He was fond of a saying he heard in a movie one time…

"…split a piece of wood and I am there, lift a stone and you will find me…"

He took it to mean that God was all around us, not housed within the four walls of a simple building. That you didn't need to go into a church to talk to God, you could do it from anywhere, because he was the light inside of all of us, if we chose to acknowledge it. He wished most times that people who ranted and raved would keep that in mind. Maybe then this world would be a different place to live in?

***

Chuck Randall dropped Archer off at the outskirts of Ashland just as the sun was cresting the eastern skyline. Pink and orange hues shone across the clear, cold November sky as he waved goodbye to the wayward soul and continued on to finish his run. He admired this brave man's propensity for forgiveness. If it had been him out there, he'd have been in the police station, Johnny on the spot to get those bastards found as soon as possible. Archer didn't care about that. He just wanted to move on.  

As Archer Finklin gazed on the town he had once called home, he thought about how many years he had wasted being angry. Angry with Jeremy, angry with his parents, and most of all angry with the world for slighting him… boy was he tired of being angry. He turned toward the church where Jeremy had brought him as a kid. He made his way to the solid oak doors and quietly let himself inside. He had a promise to keep for the favor someone watching over him had granted and he wasn't going to renege on this promise for anything in the world.

*

* Mirrorball by Sarah McLachlan ©1999



The Polaris Effect Ch. 10



Chapter Ten- The Act of Reconciliation

The priest knew everyone who came into the old church at the edge of the trendy community on the border of the Golden State. He had been there thirty-five years, by today's standards, an eon. Church policies these days didn't cater to any one priest getting too comfortable in his parish, it could lead to emotional attachments; something the political body in Rome frowned upon.

As he entered the sanctuary, he genuflected in front of the great bronze representation of the risen Christ ascending to Heaven through a circular ring-of-fire suspended from the ceiling. One of the local artisans had donated the sculptures to St. Mary's back in the seventies and the old man had appreciated its beauty to this day. 

He silently said a prayer of Thanksgiving to himself and his Lord as he turned to make his way to the confessional for morning reconciliation. Sitting in the very first pew was a massive bedraggled-looking man. He didn't recognize this stranger. An array of reddish-golden curls fell in a deluge around his face, which rested in the cradle of his hands. Fr. Bill had seen his share of bereavement in his fifty some-odd years. He had been a quiet, resolute man all of his life and was someone many people in his parish and even outside of it, came to trust and depend on. His talent for passively listening as someone spilled their inner most soul to him and then keeping it to himself, marked him as an ally to some and an enemy to others.

So as not to disturb the man, he paddled down the carpeted steps with care. Resting his hand on the pew in front of him he spoke in his normally soft baritone voice.   "Can I help you son?" The old priest had many good qualities and his compassion and love of humanity were the best of all of them. He had come to the rescue of many a weary traveler on their journey to redemption or even just to acceptance of themselves. He never judged them; for he felt that only God was allowed to judge his creations and that decisions regarding guilt or innocence were futile in his efforts to restore joy to the human soul.

The man was obviously distraught and Fr. Bill could hear him rasping in soft sobs under the curtain of his hair. He waited patiently for this troubled man to speak to him.

"I'm sorry Father, I'm not even Catholic." The man's hoarse voice confirmed for him that he was it the throes of some deep despair.

Fr. Bill rounded the corner of the pew and sat next to the harried looking vagabond. "My son, God does not judge you based on what faith you practice and neither do I. If it's comfort you seek, then you've come to the right place." The man peaked at him through the veil of curly reddish locks. 

"Father, does God judge you if you have completely screwed up your life and have so many sins that you can't count them?" The priest took the man's hand and spoke the tried and true words he depended on to help people to first find forgiveness in their own hearts.

"God; my son, forgives anyone who wants with their whole heart to be forgiven. As long as you have the desire to be forgiven and the intention not to sin again, then yes you can be forgiven anything." 

The man shuttered visibly. "Even being gay, Father?" 

"Oh, not this again?" The old man thought to himself. "The mother Church and their ancient wisdom! Damn them anyway, he had counseled enough boys (and girls) questioning their sexuality in his long career to know the answer to this one by heart."  

"Son, let me tell you something, God created us, the Bible says, to be in his image. He sent his only living son to die for our sins on the cross. He loves us ALL, I repeat all of us with his entire being or he would not have given us the beauty and love and joy that this planet certainly has to offer. Human beings are born to have companions. We function best in this world when we have another soul to share our joys and our sorrows with. We find happiness in camaraderie and family. Even a celibate old man like me knows that love is the reason that we are here. To share love, to spread love, to love God and to love each other." 

  He took a long deep breath and continued, "Even though the church itself says that it does not condone homosexual relationships, my personal belief is that if your live as a generous, giving human being; God will reward you; gay or straight, fat or thin, man or woman, black or white, Muslim or Christian, just the same."

The man's head rose from its stooped stance and met the old priest's eyes. 

"What if I told you that I've tried to kill myself twice in the past year?"

The priest's heart trembled in his chest for the poor young man seated next to him. 

"Well, I would have to say that God did not intend for you to leave this life yet, if you were not able to accomplish your goal at the time. Apparently there is something in this life that He wants you to stick around for." Father Bill never looked away. The storm in the young man's eyes seemed to settle a bit. 

"I think I may know what that something might be, Father. Would you be willing to make a phone call for me?" 

***

Amy puttered around the house waiting for Jeremy to bring Shaun back from his baseball game. Things seemed to be getting harder around here instead of easier. She worried about Archer and where he could possibly be. The call from Jim Finklin yesterday had been a shock all in itself. The fact that Cathy could possibly be dead at such a young age was unnerving to her. After all, Cathy was younger than Amy herself by almost ten years. The hard work Cathy had put into becoming a doctor was rewarded with a thriving practice and along with her husband's law firm, the Finklin's never wanted for much in recent years. They had spent the last five years traveling around Europe. Amy wondered whether their jet-set lifestyle could have ultimately been the cause of Arch's mom's heart attack, but since she was not in the habit of judging anyone based on their lifestyle, she simply felt sad. 

Sad and worried was what she was. Jim had given her a number in Berkeley for Archer's best friend. While talking to Arch's dad they discussed the hardships that Archer had experienced in the past few years. Amy was almost beside herself with worry after she had talked to his best friend, Gianna who told her that Archer had disappeared two days after he got the news of his mother's death. She just couldn't bring herself to tell Jeremy. She knew that he would launch himself into a frenzied emotional hurricane if he thought that Archer was in trouble. But in truth, she knew that she wasn't going to be able to keep it from him for much longer. 

Gianna told her she was pretty sure that Archer was heading for Ashland. That they had talked at length in the days preceding the sad news of Archer's mom about him trying to get in touch with Jeremy again. This singular piece of exceptional news far outweighed the fact that if Archer had been driving to Ashland from Berkeley, he should have been here long before now. 

The dusting rag skimmed the surface of each piece of furniture she shifted to. When she was nervous, she always cleaned the house. If Jeremy caught her in one of her whirlwinds, he would certainly know that something was wrong. The two of them had always managed to read each other's thoughts and mannerisms like a comfortable old paperback. As she picked up her polish and cloth to go and store it in the laundry room, the phone rang. She sprang for the one in the kitchen and dropped the contents of her hands on the old dinette table. The voice she heard was rather unexpected.

"Amy? This is Father Bill at St. Mary's." The soft baritone of his voice had always been a huge source of comfort to her, even though she had stopped going to church when it became apparent that the Catholic Church didn't have its heart in the right place on the issues of homosexuality and equality for ALL of God's creatures.

"Oh, hello Father. What can I do for you?" She couldn't imagine that he would be hitting her up for a charity drive since she hadn't been inside the church in over nine years.

"I have someone here that would like to talk to you." He said and she heard the phone shuffling between hands.

"Amy?" Her tears welled up instantly. The voice could only belong to one person. 

She choked them back the best she could and sputtered in the phone. "Archer, honey, are you okay?" 

"Yeah, I think I will be now. Can you come and get me, Mom?" Amy couldn't help it she sobbed outwardly and stifled it just as quickly as she grabbed for a tissue from the box that seemed to have taken up residence on her kitchen table. 

"I'll be right there sweetheart." She said goodbye and grabbed her purse. She didn't have time to write a note to Jeremy and knew that she couldn't explain even if she did. 

Amy ran to her old Buick and started it. She knew that she had to calm down or the winding road to town could be treacherous. She slowly backed the car out of the driveway and made herself observe the thirty-five mile an hour speed limit, even though she wanted to fly to the church. Luckily after years of attending services there she knew the quickest shortcuts to take. It took her at least fifteen minutes to get there and the whole time she thanked God for helping to bring Archer home to them safely. 

The parking lot to the old church looked mostly the same after all these years. She pulled up to the side entrance and careened off of the door as she entered the vestibule. She quickly dipped her fingers and crossed herself out of habit and looked around the interior of the dimly lit church to find her long-lost lamb.

They sat in the back near the confessionals. Father Bill was talking quietly to him as she approached them. Archer was so much taller than the priest that Father Bill resembled a small boy when Amy first saw them. She rounded the back of the pews and ran the last few steps to her self-proclaimed son. He stood, towering over her and pulled her into his arms. Her feet left the floor and her heart pounded with relief. She was scared at how scruffy he looked and thought that his face looked as though he had been in a fight. They both were weeping furiously and couldn't vocalize anything past their pure joy at seeing each other again.

Father Bill cleared his throat and excused himself. He told them that the church doors were locked from the outside, but when they were ready to leave, they could go out the side door without any trouble.

Archer finally let go of her and they sat down in the weathered-looking, oak pew. 

She realized she had left her purse in the car and didn't have any tissues to wipe her nose. She started to lift her sleeve to her nose and Archer stopped her and reached into his shirt pocket. He handed her the tissue and she wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

"Oh baby, I am so glad that you're okay. I was so worried about you. " 

His eyes were extremely blood-shot and he looked like he hadn't slept in days; which in fact he hadn't. "I know mom, I've been worried about me too." 

She held his hand and squeezed. 

"Archer, what happened to your face honey?"

"It's a long story… I think better left for another time." He didn't want to put her off really, but the urgency to find out about Jeremy wasn't going to last through the long explanation of his recent tribulations.

"I need to know," he started searching her eyes for some kind of comfort and the answers to the questions that burned in his soul.

"Where is he? Does he know I'm here?" 

She didn't know where to start. "He came home from Seattle the other day. He doesn't know you're here and he's worried sick about you. Your dad called yesterday and told us about you mom. I'm so sorry sweetheart! I think he also thought you would be there, but I said I hadn't heard from you." She squeezed him into another hug.

Archer's thoughts swirled around and the tension was almost palpable. Amy could see how upset and confused he was. 

"Why did he come home in the first place?" And then he finally choked out the one question that scared him the most. "Is he with anybody?"

"No honey, he's not with anybody else. Jeremy hasn't been home in almost ten years Arch, ever since you split up. He couldn't handle the memories."

He sniffed, "or the guilt."

She smiled her comforting, forgiving smile at him, "or the guilt."

She wasn't going to apologize for her son, she would let him take care of that part, but at least she could tell him that there was remorse as well as love in Jeremy's heart.

"Honey, look; I know that he hurt you and I know that you have been having a really rough time this past year. You two have a lot of old baggage to clean up. You have ten years worth of silence and misunderstandings to deal with, but there is one thing that I think you ought to know; that you have the right to know. Jeremy loves you Archer, with all of his heart. He never stopped loving you and he has taken his share of lumps lately for the mistakes he made when he was still a very young man."

Archer was shaking. His hands were sweating in Amy's light grasp and his brain was coming to terms with the reality of actually being so close to Jeremy after all this time. He had to stop himself. Wasn't she was saying what he wanted to hear? He told Anne less than a week ago, that he wanted to tell Jeremy that above all, if he still felt anything for him that he would forgive him and try to make things work. Now though, with the man he loved for most of his life, less than fifteen minutes drive from here, he was scared. What if it happened again? What if they got back together and Jeremy got scared or bored or even fell out of love with him? Archer knew psychologically that he couldn't handle that. But he also knew he couldn't go on living with the knowledge that he had the chance to make amends with Jeremy and didn't. And he had a promise to keep. He had to be true to himself and that meant admitting that he wanted Jeremy back, no matter what the terms were.

What had Father Bill said? "God forgives anyone who truly wants to be forgiven in his heart."

Archer knew that he had to tell Jeremy first that he forgave him and then they could work on the next step.

He looked into Amy's eyes and implored without the use of words.

"Yes honey, I'll take you to him."

***

Shaun had begged Jeremy to bring Justin back to Grams with them after the game. The boys had been a bundle of nervous energy all the way home. They sat in the back of Jeremy's Honda, fidgeting, squirming and laughing the entire way. He marveled at how similar they were to him and Archer when they first found each other. Shaun had made his uncle promise that he wouldn't tell anyone about his secret. The boy knew that he needed to tell his parents, but he wanted to do it on his own terms, so Jeremy kept quiet. He needed to reinforce Shaun's trust in him and outing him to his parents certainly wouldn't accomplish that. Having lived through exactly what Shaun was feeling and exhibiting though, Jeremy thought privately that if his sister saw the two of them like this, she would figure it out in a flash. After all, she had grown up watching two boys falling in love with each other; she would most certainly be able to recognize it in her own son.

They pulled into the driveway of his parent's old farmhouse. His mom's car was gone and he wondered where she might have gone? It was close to dinnertime and she was notorious for wanting to eat on time when they all gathered together. He started to worry almost immediately when they got inside the house. Her dusting rag and furniture polish lay askew on the kitchen table. The back door had been unlocked and there was no note and there were no lights on anywhere in the house. Of course, Jeremy couldn't let on that he was worried. He turned on the lights and sent the boys upstairs to play on the computer in his room. He was getting ready to call his sister to see if she knew where mom had gone, when he heard a car in the driveway. He peaked out the wide kitchen window above the sink into the darkening grey winter dusk and saw her car pull up next to his. 

Everything seemed to slow to a crawl at that moment. As he looked from her side of the car to the passenger side, he saw a tall redheaded man step from her fading burgundy Buick. He knew in his heart who it had to be, but his brain refused to register the facts. He saw the gait, which was unmistakable. His eyes scanned the length of the body and recognized the lines and curves much the same as they had always been. It was too good to be true though, so he turned away from the window as if to say that no; it was only his imagination… a mirage.

Time finally returned to normal, as the kitchen door opened slightly. He could hear his mom's soft soothing voice coaxing the visitor inside. Reassuring him that everything would be okay. She came in and stood there with the door open, her hand on the doorknob. Jeremy noticed that she was wearing house slippers and his brain silently acknowledged that she must have left in quite a hurry. His gaze wandered up toward her face, searching for her smile, to reassure him that it was truly whom he thought it was and found her beaming at him. Her eyes told him everything he needed to know. What he had been searching for the last ten years was standing outside his parent's kitchen on the first step, the first step to the rest of his life.

Archer crested the doorframe and barely made it inside without hitting his head. As his eyes adjusted to the light and he saw Jeremy standing in front of the sink, his chest quivered. Jeremy crossed the five or so steps to where they were standing in an instant. He took his mom's right hand and bent to whisper that Shaun and Justin were upstairs in his room. She kissed her son's cheek and reached for Archer's hand. He grabbed it in return and squeezed in acknowledgment of her unspoken well wishes.

Their eyes met at last when she left the kitchen and headed for the second level. The turmoil behind them was enough to scare each of them into utter silence, but Jeremy was determined to get this over with. His guilt and shame had tortured him for too long to let this wait one more moment.

He opened his arms and waited. 

Archer suddenly had the debate of the ages playing at hyper-speed in his mind. His head was saying wait, hold back, be sure, but his heart was screaming let go, go to him, complete it, find the love he had been so desperate to reclaim.

It didn't last long, Archer took a small step and Jeremy's arms were around him. Archer flinched and Jeremy pulled back to look into his eyes. Jeremy's senses picked up that Archer was indeed completely distraught. 

But nothing could stop him from finally getting to say the words he had run over in his mind a hundred times since yesterday. 

"Arch, I have waited so long to tell you how sorry I am for what I did to you." Jeremy could feel the tremors of pain coursing through his body.

"I lied to myself when I said that I couldn't build a life with you. I was scared and childish and spoiled and I know that I hurt you beyond words." 

He tried to get closer again. He almost whispered into his old lover's ear, not wanting the sound to upset him. "I know that I can't expect you to trust me again, but I want you to know that I love you. I never stopped loving you. I want us to be together and I will do whatever it takes to prove that to you, if you'll let me?"

Archer sniffled softly and Jeremy saw tears tracking down his haggard face. He reached up and brushed one away. Arch caught his hand and held it there

His words rasped against Jeremy's ear. "I love you too." Was all Archer could manage to say before Jeremy saw his knees giving way.

Jeremy backed across the kitchen and managed to pull a chair out from the table and help Archer into it. He kneeled down in front of him and held Archer's strong hands in his own, but Archer was shaking as he tried to talk. 




The Polaris Effect Ch. 10



"I want us to try again too, but I'm scared Jeremy." Arch choked out as Jeremy wiped the tears from his beautifully freckled cheeks. "It hurts….everything hurts so much."

Archer was so bedraggled looking. His hair was filled with what looked like dirt and leaves, it was flat from days of traveling without a shower, but Jeremy didn't care. He was touching Archer again and nothing could take the pleasure away from the single most wonderful sensation that he had felt in a long, long time.

"It's no good without you Jem, I tried. I tried everything and I just can't do it without you." Jeremy slipped his hand around the back of Archer's neck behind his hair and carefully touched his forehead to Arch's. "Thank you God, thank you screamed through his brain."

"You don't have to baby, I'm right here. I'm not ever going anywhere ever again. I'm right here and I'll always be right here." He leaned up and kissed Archer's cheek and held his hand there to preserve the kiss. 

"I'm gonna go get mom and we'll get you cleaned up and you can rest, okay?" 

"Jem, wait." Archer's eyes were a dust storm of turmoil. "I need to tell you things first."

Jeremy sat down in the kitchen chair, his eyes sullen with resignation. "I know…there's a lot to say, on both our parts, but don't you think that you want to have some time to clean up and compose yourself before we talk?" 

"I guess you're right." Archer sighed. He'd waited this long and Jeremy wasn't going anywhere and he supposed that there wasn't anybody else in his life if Amy said that there wasn't so, what was another hour or so going to hurt?

"I'll be right back, okay?" Jeremy waited for an acknowledgement and got a slight head nod from Archer.

He rushed the stairs three at a time and called out to his mom before he hit the second floor landing. He didn't want to leave Archer alone for very long because he was afraid he'd get back down there and find the kitchen empty. Shaun rushed out of Jeremy's room with Justin on his tail. They both looked a little tousled and Jeremy shook his head at his nephew, smiling to himself. Amy swung her bedroom door open, prepared for an emergency.

"Archer wants to get cleaned up, okay?" His mom agreed and steered the younger boys downstairs to the study. She didn't want Archer and Jeremy to have to answer any questions from giggly teenagers at this point.

Shaun protested most of the way and demanded to be told what was going on. Amy managed to subdue him long enough to get the door to the study closed so that Jeremy could help Archer upstairs. 

As they climbed the stairs, Jeremy stayed behind him all the way, making sure that he was safe. The last few, Archer began to regain his strength and getting into the bathroom was less difficult. Jeremy went to get towels and turn on the water to warm it for him. He planned to get him situated and then leave to let him clean himself up, but as soon as he headed for the door, Archer asked him to stay.

"Stay here Jem, don't leave me alone." Jeremy's heart swelled as Archer asked for his company.

Jeremy hopped up on the white tile counter and watched as Archer slowly undressed. As his tattered shirt slid from his torso Jeremy became horrified. Not only was Archer hurting inside, physically he was battered and bruised as well.

"Archer baby what happened to you?"

"I got mugged at a rest stop somewhere on the Oregon border." 

 He was still shaking. Even though the steam from the shower had begun to heat the room considerably, Archer's body reacted as though he was standing in the snow. Jeremy so wanted to go to him, but after the way he had pulled away in the kitchen, he was afraid; afraid of the ultimate pain of rejection that played in his sub-conscious ever since he had seen Archer's frame crest the doorway of his parent's country style kitchen. Archer slipped the button on the once beige khakis and let them slip to the floor and then he did something Jeremy thought would never happen again in his lifetime. Archer held out his hand inviting his old lover to his side, an invitation back into his life. 

Jeremy took a few tentative steps, not wanting Arch to freak out for any reason. Finally touching Archer's fingertips, his skin felt energized, almost electric with the heat of the contact. Jeremy reached up and stroked Archer's strong cheekbones and whispered his apologizes and endearments again that he had already given to him in the kitchen. With their eyes locked Archer's lips softly pressed themselves to Jeremy's. It wasn't passion, it was a kiss of recognition; recognition of their mistakes and both of their desires to start again.

Arch kissed Jeremy's ear with stealth and whispered. "Will you get in with me?" 

 "Oh god yes Archer, please. I want to be with you, next to you so much…for so long." Now tears were Jeremy's friend. Archer began to see into his soul and just how much this affected Jeremy. Slow and deliberate each button on Jeremy's shirt was undone and as his chest was revealed Archer worshiped each spot with his eyes, although he kept hands tangled in Jeremy's hair. He pushed out of his sneakers and started to unbutton his own pants, but Archer put his hand there to stop his progress. Archer's palm smoothed down over the button and the zipper, automatically feeling Jeremy's trapped cock.

He fondled him for a few moments and then deftly made short work of Jeremy's straining pants and boxers all in one. Standing there in their socks, Archer and Jeremy kissed passionately. Archer held Jeremy's head in both of his hands, his long fingers caressing Jeremy's scalp, ears and neck as their tongues searched for each others' souls. 

Jeremy suddenly pulled away and looked at Archer and said, "The water!" They'd spent plenty of time using up all the hot water in his parent's older home and he knew it wouldn't last long enough for any more foreplay…it was now or never. They climbed in and Jeremy set to work washing Arch's strong chest and arms. He lingered on the nipples of course, but didn't play as he would have liked. He washed Archer's tangled hair twice and proceeded to heap conditioner in it so it wouldn't be too tangled. All these things he remembered like they were yesterday, like riding a bike, as the saying goes. They were content, peaceful and silent. When Jeremy finished Archer's hair, he soaped up his back and butt and did a cursory job of everything below the waist. It's that he didn't want to play, nothing would have made him happier than to slip his hungry mouth around his lover's cock, but he didn't want to rush Archer into anything he wasn't ready for. Jeremy knew he had a lot to make up for before they were going to fit together again like they used to. 

Jeremy turned off the water and got out to grab the towels he had left on the white tile counter. He dried Archer off and they both wrapped fluffy sweet smelling linens around their waists. They walked to his bedroom and Arch sat down on the end of the bed. Jeremy closed his door and grabbed his overnight bag at the edge of the chest of drawers near the bed. He shuffled through the odd conglomeration of items he had thrown in there a few days earlier when he had been hell bent on finding his one true love. He smiled to himself as he glanced over and saw the man he had dreamed of over and over, sitting not two feet from him. He found an extra pair of boxers, socks and sweats then moved over to help Archer climb into them and under the thick flannel covers of the bed. Jeremy found a neatly folded pile of his clothes on the dresser that his mom had laundered that morning. She was still taking care of him. He slipped into his own briefs, t-shirt and sweats and moved back to the bed with a fresh towel and a brush. 

Jeremy moved behind Archer on the bed. He lay far enough away so that he had the leverage he needed to brush through the torrent of auburn locks he had treasured for years. He softly stroked the clean towel down Archer's mane and then steady and sure, with love in every stroke, ran the brush through the maze of curls. Jeremy had always loved Archer's hair. He was secretly so glad that Archer had never cut it that he shuddered as he finished detangling the last few bits. He carefully rolled to his other side and set the brush on the bedside table. Then he lifted the covers and crawled into the nest of warmth beneath, steadily moving up to spoon his love and enfold him in his arms. 

Amy knocked softly on the door and her son murmured a soft "come in" but she opened it just an inch to check and see if it was safe anyway. Jeremy told her everything was fine and she tiptoed slow and soft on the hardwood until she reached her son's side of the bed. She whispered in his ear. 

"Is he okay?" 

Jeremy whispered as well, thinking that Arch was sleeping. He told her that he didn't know, but he would do everything he could to make sure that Archer knew he was safe and loved. Whatever he had been through to get here and whatever was going to happen tomorrow, Jeremy confirmed that he would be right by his side to weather whatever storm they confronted, together.

Amy smiled at her boys. She kissed Jeremy's forehead and ruffled his wet hair. Old habits die hard with moms, even when their sons are fast approaching middle age. She apologized about the size of the bed, telling him they looked like a couple of sardines. Jeremy quickly dismissed it and told her, the closer they were, hopefully the easier it would be for them to come to terms with what they had to talk about when Archer woke up. He knew that it wouldn't be simple. They couldn't just fall back into the relationship they had ten years ago, but he hoped that after some time and a lot of forgiveness, they would someday have the stability of a loving, committed relationship again.

She slipped out of the room and murmured goodnight and closed the door behind her. 

"Jem?" Archer whispered 

"What baby?" Jeremy had thought that he was asleep.

"Is it really forever this time?" He was fading in and out and Jeremy knew that he probably wouldn't even remember the conversation in the morning, but all the same he reaffirmed his love for the man lying long and lean, snuggled in front of him.

"Yes Arch… forever." 

***

Archer woke from the best sleep he remembered in years. His body was a little cramped but after clearing the cobwebs from his head, he knew Jeremy was in bed with him for real this time. He turned his head a fraction of an inch and spied Jeremy's ruddy brown hair nestled behind his head. He could feel his breath on his ear and the rise and fall of his chest against his back. Maybe he had died out there on that highway and he was in Heaven now? He rationalized that if he truly had been dead, that he probably wouldn't be sleeping in the childhood bedroom of his first lover. 

He could see the sun straining to get through the mist that he knew settled on the ground in the Northwest every morning at this time of year. He could tell it was probably close to freezing outside by the moisture in the window and he relished the warmth surrounding him. As he lay there contemplating what was going to happen today and tomorrow and for the rest of their lives, Jeremy stretched and ground his hips forward into Archer's butt. A completely sub-conscious reaction, but the suggestive movement suddenly ignited Archer's dormant libido. Logically, he knew that they needed to talk. To hash through the pain and guilt and blame that had swirled around them last night, but his body wasn't exactly cooperating. It had been too long. He turned to face his lover and with his large fine-boned hand he stroked Jeremy's cheek and plunged it into his hair. He pulled him closer and softly kissed him. Jeremy moaned and returned the kiss. Archer opened his eyes from the kiss to see Jeremy's green-gray eyes misted over. 

"I am so sorry Arch. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say it enough." 

"Jem, we both have a lot to be sorry for, but it's going to take a while for us to find the right words to really express it all, don't you think?" Archer had smoothed away a couple of tears that pooled next the Jeremy's left ear. 

"Yeah, I guess so. I just want you to know how much I want you back in my life and don't want anything to stand in the way of that. I'll never be able to live with myself if you don't think you can forgive me." Jeremy sucked in his breath and fought back more tears, trying not to be so mushy.

"I already have babe! Now we just have to get on with our lives and rebuild the trust and love that we know we once had." Archer leaned in for a real kiss this time and in no time they were entwined in a passionate embrace; searching, diving, grappling to reclaim the fire of a long extinguished blaze. 

Their bodies responded to memories of bygone gatherings of soul-racking sensations. Their mouths were fused as one, sharing a measure of delight that neither had given to anyone since their parting. Strong arms embraced, muscled thighs meshed as they ground together and finally luxuriated in the molten lava of each other's release. Descending from the mountain of their love, they smiled endlessly at each other. Soft whispers and gentle touches returned to their repertoire of post lovemaking bliss.

"Do we defer to separate showers this morning to escape the glorious look on Mom's face if she discovers us in there together?" Jeremy giggled slightly, feeling like a teenager again.

Archer laughed hearty. "You mean as opposed to the look of utter horror she gave us the first time she caught us in there together?"

Jeremy reveled in his lover's smile and laugh, and found himself hoping above all hope, that this was the beginning of their "forever."