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Sound Mind and Body

By: Milliemoon



Dedicated to my great proof-reader with thanks.

*

The sound reverberated through his mind, the cold sweat breaking out almost immediately and Gray cried out involuntarily as he shot up in his bed. 

"Oh, God." He ran his hands through his dirty blond hair, his breath coming in gasps as he tried, unsuccessfully, to get himself back under control. It didn't matter that it had been almost four years, that he knew he was safe in his own home, or that lightening wasn't supposed to strike twice. All that did matter was he was alone, always alone with his demons, and he knew that would never change.

"Morning, Mr. Watson, how's it goin'?" The voice of the doorman broke into his dark early morning thoughts and Grayling Watson looked up.

"Like usual, Jim, how 'bout you?"

"Yeah, me too. Still, school's out Friday isn't it? You get what, six weeks off?"

The older man understood the rueful smile he got in reply. What good were six weeks holiday when the young man would spend them by himself? At least if he was in school he would be surrounded by people; still alone, but there would be others to interact with, chat to, pretend to be interested in. Jim watched Grayling pass through the ornate double exterior doors. He wished there was something he could do. He'd tried, so had others, he wasn't sure what, if anything, could improve Grayling Watson's quality of life. He would keep an eye on him; it seemed like the only thing left.

The walk to the large, unimposing, building took him just over ten minutes; if he drove it took twenty-five. Car horns honked, drivers swore, bikers weaved in and out of the early morning traffic and mums looked harassed as they took part in yet another school run.

Grayling pulled himself together mentally as he walked through the gates. He put a smile on his face, ran his hand through his hair hoping it would, just for once, lie flat and look like he combed it now and then and pushed his glasses up his nose. The early morning sun had darkened the lenses and so hid his deep brown eyes and the pain they contained, for that, if nothing else, he was glad.

"Mornin', Sir." A boy, probably about fourteen, ran past him in the schoolyard, tossing the welcome over his shoulder as he did so. Grayling didn't bother to return it, knowing it wasn't expected of him. Instead he thought about the fact that he had five days left before he could sleep in, try and get his life going again, even consider a vacation or a move to a new city, five days, that was only about thirty science lessons and then he'd be done.

The letter was waiting in his mailbox the first day of the holidays. He'd been expecting it, but still, he'd hoped it wouldn't come.

"Dear Mr. Watson, he read out loud, even though there was no one to listen to him. It has been over six months since your last meeting with Mr. Bailey and we are concerned that you did not finish your allotted appointments. We would welcome the opportunity to rectify this at your earliest convenience.

In the time since your last visit Mr. Bailey has retired and Marcia Mulholland is now seeing his clients. Ms Mulholland has read your file and will be contacting you shortly to discuss the above with you.

Gray screwed up the letter and tossed it in the general direction of the waste paper basket. So, Bailey, Cross and Danby was missing the Bailey bit; Gray shrugged his shoulders. He wasn't sure talking to a woman would be something he wanted to do, but he had a feeling the dreams and cold sweats wouldn't go until he faced things. He could always move to another practice, see another shrink; money wasn't a problem; he could afford the best, which was why he had a flat with great views and a doorman. Not that it made much difference; the struggles were the same, whether he was rich or poor. 

"Mr. Watson, thank you for coming in to see me. I realize changing your therapist is a big step, and I hope you will give me the chance to get to know you and help you." Marcia Mulholland had probably said the same thing twenty times in the last month, but most of her new clients had at least appeared to listen, Grayling Watson didn't seem to even be in the same room with her.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Gray had been lost in the memories of his last visit; he'd lambasted Arthur Bailey, telling him in no uncertain terms how he didn't feel he was doing him any good. Now he knew the old man had retired on health grounds he felt a little guilty.

"Nothing much, just the official spiel about seeing a new shrink. I'm guessing you aren't interested in that."

Gray shook his head, his thoughts would remain hidden, but he'd make sure he listened from now on. He wasn't aware of the scrutiny he was under, didn't know the woman across the desk from him was already making mental notes about her new client, if he had he might have been surprised at what she saw.

Marcia was forty-six years old; she had been married to another psychotherapist for twenty years and had finally got the Harley Street partnership she had been searching for. Grayling Watson had interested her since she'd begun reading his file a little over a month earlier. Now, looking at the young man before her, she was sure if she could pick up his pain in her hands it would burn her. Arthur Bailey had written that Grayling hid everything from sight, never let his guard down and thought no one could see the agony he was in. Marcia had a feeling most people probably couldn't, but if they looked closely they would see the emptiness in his eyes, the tenseness in his fingers, and the slight, but constant, movement of his foot against the floor. The man was holding on to himself so tightly that sooner or later everything would give way and he would be unable to function unless he'd begun to unburden himself before then. The responsibility was now hers to ensure that happened.

"Ok, I know you've already had an 'initial meeting' but I'd like to do another one. Arthur didn't work like I do and, to be honest, I really want to have my own first impressions to go on rather than his." She saw Grayling nod his head and so she began to speak again, this time holding a pen in her left hand and notebook in her right. She didn't use tape recorders or video cameras, instead she had her own shorthand that, should she ever get hit by a bus, no one else would ever understand, but it worked for her, in fact it worked very well.

"The basics I have are these. Grayling Stuart Watson, schoolteacher, science, twenty-eight years old, single, lives in Barton Towers and works at Milton Community College. Has one sister, younger and is allergic to garlic. Has any of that changed?"

"Nope, none of it. Well, next week I'll be twenty-nine, but I'm guessing you know that."

"I do. How about parents, are they both still living?"

"Yes, they're in Devon, I see them about once every two months or so, call them every week. Dad is a publican; mum helps in the bar and works in a local craft shop. My sister lives in New York, I don't see her very often, but we e-mail each other all the time, and sometimes we even get the web cam strung up and talk face-to-face."

Grayling watched as his therapist made notes of what he said. There appeared to be what his students called a spider diagram on the page, he was in the middle and everything he had said so far was there in some form or another coming off from his name. Marcia concentrated on her notes for a moment, aware that she was now the one under scrutiny. She hoped her young client would return on a regular basis, but she wasn't sure if he would or not.

The sun had disappeared by the time Gray left the small, unpretentious terraced house where he had spent the last two hours. Large spots of rain were just beginning to stain the pavement and he decided, on the spur of the moment, to take a taxi instead of the bus. A shiny black cab pulled up to the kerb, an advertisement for the yellow pages splashed across the doors, and he looked in through the passenger side of the vehicle.

"Barton Towers please." Gray's voice wavered as he blinked and swallowed hard, hoping his driver wouldn't think him mad.

"Sure. It might take longer than you think though. Sloane Street is snarled and Oxford Street is closed because of a security alert."

"Oh, great. No problem, take the scenic route, I have all day." Gray climbed in the back and ran his hand through his hair. Whatever had possessed him to say that? He leant into the seat, removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose before closing his eyes, not wanting to look at the driver but knowing he had to effectively blind himself to prevent him from staring. There was something about the man who was now pulling away from the side of the road, looking over his shoulder and then in front again, something that made him want to, for the first time in over four years, talk to a stranger.

The summer shower hadn't lasted very long and soon the sun was warm through the windows as Ben Marsh negotiated the very slow moving traffic while his passenger slept in the back. He liked picking up from Harley Street; it was always interesting. Sometimes he was regaled by people's history all the way to their destinations, other times they would sit in silence, staring out of the window, concentrating on what their doctor or analyst had told them. Either way it was more appealing than over-wrought shoppers from Bond Street or drunk football fans from Wembley.

Ben was just pulling into the cul-de-sac that contained Barton Towers when he heard a noise and looked sharply into his rear-view mirror.

"No! God, no, Simon, NO!" Gray jerked awake, completely unaware of anything but the vision, still in his mind's eye, of Simon as he fell. He heard nothing but the scream, cut off almost as soon as it started, and tried to gulp back his sob as suddenly he realized he wasn't at home but out in the open.

"Hey, shhh, c'mon, man, it's ok." Ben had parked and opened the back door of his cab almost in one movement, he didn't touch his passenger but he did look on in concern. The young man was sweating and he knew he saw tears in his eyes.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry." Grayling was mortified as he realized that, for the first time, someone else had witnessed his dream, his nightmare. "I ... I'll walk from here, how much do I owe you?"

"Oh no. No way, you're not going on your own. Look, we're here anyway. Let me just see you to your door. Please?" Ben had no intention of letting the terrified man walk one step unaided. He'd had people throw up in his cab, two suffer heart attacks and one woman in the final stages of labour in the ten years he'd been working in London, but none of that had affected him the way the anguished words of this young man had. He wouldn't pry but he did want to know he had delivered him home safely.

Gray said nothing; he just nodded. He could see the time on the digital clock in the front of the cab. Jim would be at lunch and a little bit of company, even for just a minute or two, was suddenly very welcome. He watched in silence as the older man climbed back in the cab and pulled slowly into one of the parking spaces reserved for visitors in front of his building. Then he waited, still trying to gather himself together and catch his breath, until the door was opened once again.

"My name's Ben, what's yours?"

"Grayling, Grayling Watson, but most people call me Gray, thanks." He stepped out of the taxi and leant back against it. His head was still whirling with the images he'd seen so clearly and for a moment he wasn't sure if he had the energy to make it to the lift."Slowly does it." Ben rested Gray's elbow in left hand and carefully guided him towards the exclusive looking building that had Barton Towers ornately inscribed on a large gilt name plate next to the double entrance doors. The lift was waiting patiently for them and the two men entered it before Ben spoke again. "Which floor?"

"Oh, sorry, ten." Now Gray was leaning against the cool steel of the lift's interior, his eyes closed again. He knew he should say something, maybe explain what had happened but he didn't have the words and even if he did it wasn't a place he wanted to go especially when he was awake.

"We're here, you let yourself in and once I know you're ok I'll take off." Ben still had his hand on Gray's elbow; he wasn't letting go until his companion could sit down rather than fall down.

"'k. Thanks." Gray's home was the final apartment of three on the tenth floor. He walked, slightly unsteadily, towards his front door fumbling for his keys as he did so. He unlocked and although the stranger followed him into his home he felt no danger from him.

"Sit for a minute. The meter's not running any more." Ben smiled, looking around him as he did so. The flat was fabulous but he had a feeling its occupant just lived there, nothing more. He could see into the open plan kitchen and, once he was sure Grayling wasn't going to collapse across the sofa if he let go of his arm, he made his way there and got a clean glass out of the dishwasher. He filled it with cold water and then returned to the lounge. He didn't think he'd even been missed.

"There you go. H2O neat. Don't drink it all at once." Ben placed the glass on a mat he could see resting on a deep mahogany occasional table and then crouched down in front of Grayling, not wanting to sit next to him and scare him even more than he seemed to be. "Look, I don't want to intrude, you just came from your shrink, I know that much, but no one's home except you, do you want me to stay for a while?"

"No, no, I'll be ok. No one is ever home but me; so however long you stay that's not gonna change. Thank you, Ben, I appreciate you helping me out and I'm sorry, really sorry for what happened." Gray concentrated on getting money from his wallet and didn't look up as he spoke or when he handed over the cash with an almost mumbled 'Keep the change.' He couldn't make eye contact with the man he'd felt such a connection with as he'd entered his cab. If he did that he'd have to tell him what it was that made him behave the way he had, and that was out of the question. Gray knew any chance of friendship had been blown out of the water without him even realizing he was doing it.

"Thanks. My mobile number's on here. If you want to chat just call, and, well, it's none of my business, but I'm not a bad listener. You wouldn't believe some of the things that get told me from the back of that cab." Ben put a white business card down on the table next to the glass of, as yet, untouched water. He got to his feet, looked once more at the young man and then made his way out of the room. He wished he'd got Gray's number, but if he didn't want to share there was nothing he could do about it. 

Gray watched as Ben walked out of his home and his life. He had no idea why he'd even entertained the idea of having a friend; the whole thing had disappeared before he'd even had a chance to get it off the ground. For a few minutes he sat where he was, sipping at the water. 

"'H2O neat,'" he grinned. He hadn't got what Ben meant until now and shook his head. Everything was screwed up, his life, his dreams; even his sense of humour had deserted him. He knew he didn't laugh and enjoy things as others did any more but he usually got people's jokes, even if he didn't show it.

As usual his dream had left Gray feeling exhausted, both in mind and body; he made his way through to his bedroom and flopped down on the large king sized bed. For the first time in a long while he rolled over until he could reach the nightstand, pulled open the drawer and took out a photograph. Simon stared up at him, smiling, his beautiful eyes so full of life and love.

Gray couldn't suppress the cry of anguish that left him. After four years he still missed the older man as much as he had the day he died. The old adage of time healing all wounds was definitely a lie, at least as far as he was concerned. He hurt as much now as he had then, some days he was sure he hurt more. 

The tears that he'd successfully hidden in the cab fell now, unhindered, and instead of putting the photo away Gray turned over with it still in his hand and sobbed. For the first time he'd felt some connection to another human being, a need had arisen inside of him to be friends with someone. Ben hadn't looked, sounded or behaved anything like Simon but there had been something, something that drew Gray towards him with a need to be accepted again. 

Maybe the only step he was up to right now was thinking about making a friend, he should be feeling good not bad about even having the courage to go that far, but he didn't. The dream had spooked him more than he cared to admit. It was one thing to have that type of nightmare in his own bed but the back of a cab, no that was something altogether different. 

Albert Bailey had asked if he dreamt of his dead lover and he'd replied that he did sometimes. Almost every night was sometimes, right? Besides he only appeared in his nightmares now and again usually when he was stressed or over-tired and the Lord knew he'd been both of them lately. No one knew though that when the nightmares did come he relived things so vividly it was as if he was back in that street in Chelsea, back where everything had gone so wrong when things were supposed to be so right.

A yawn escaped him and Gray made himself comfortable on the bed. He'd take a visit to see his parents the following morning, spend a little quality time with them and help out in the bar for a couple of days. It was always busy the first week or so of the school holidays and if he was busy as well they couldn't ask too many questions of him.

Ben had driven by the small terraced house in Harley Street regularly every day at both eleven and twelve, not sure if Gray would go back or even if it would be at the same time but, exactly a week after his first encounter with the young man, his diligence was rewarded. He had stopped at the kerb, astonished to find a parking space so near to where he wanted to be, got out of the taxi and leant against it enjoying the good weather. Just under ten minutes later, he'd seen Gray descend the steps out into the London sunshine.

"Can I take you anywhere?" Ben called out and waved but didn't move closer.

"Ben? What are you doing here?" Gray couldn't believe he was seeing the cabbie again. 

"Waiting for you. You didn't call and ... well, I don't know why but I just needed to see you were ok."

Gray felt his cheeks warm as he realized that not only was he blushing, which he never did, but also the man he'd wanted to befriend must feel the same way.

"I'm doing ... well, average, I guess ... I'm not taking the bus am I?"

"Not if you want to keep me in work." Ben tried a hangdog expression and to his delight was rewarded by a short bark of laughter.

"That's it, play to my sensitive side." Gray moved forward his hand outstretched. "Thanks, man, I appreciate it."

"No problem. Get in." Ben held open the door and Gray climbed inside. The traffic wasn't as busy as it had been the previous week, the school holidays played havoc with schedules and plans. Some days, inexplicably, it was dead quiet whilst the next it could be heaving. The taxi made its way slowly but steadily down Oxford Street, turning right by Broadcasting House and all the time Ben and Gray chatted, getting to know each other in an easy and relaxed manner. When they got nearer to home Gray pointed out a coffee shop he'd heard other teachers mention in the staff room and Ben pulled in to park, his yellow light off and his journey effectively over.

"I have to admit I've never been here but it's supposed to be a good place. Apparently, according to our food tech teacher, their muffins are almost edible."

Ben laughed; he looked at the small café approvingly and walked inside, holding the door just long enough for Gray to grab the handle. There were about ten tables, all with light blue checked tablecloths on. Small vases with white carnations in them adorned each table along with the prerequisite salt, pepper and sugar containers. Soft jazz music was playing in the background, the sound of the saxophone creating an immediately mellow atmosphere. The walls were white, roughly coated and adorned with old coffee advertisements plying the wares of long forgotten traders and plantations.


Sound Mind and Body



"Nice. What do you want?" Ben was walking towards the counter as he spoke, but felt Gray touch him tentatively on the arm.

"Oh, no. I'm buying. Take a seat, I'll be right back." 

Ben watched as Grayling made his way to the rear of the coffee shop and then looked on a little puzzled as he turned and came back towards him. 

"Um, I didn't realize how many different coffees they do. What would you like?"

"Just an ordinary coffee would be out of the question?"

"Oh yeah. You can have it hot, cold, frothy, not frothy, decaff, half caff, extra caff, in a cup, a mug, probably in a sandwich too. So, what's it to be?"

"Well," Ben picked up the menu he had just spotted on the table and began to read through it. "Hmmm, I see what you mean. You know, as it's a nice day, I think I'm gonna go for an iced coffee and a muffin, as your friend says they're so nice. Blueberry please."

Gray said nothing else but made his way to the lady waiting for him. Ben had ordered his preferred choices and so Gray changed his mind. It would look a bit pathetic if they were both having the exact same thing.

"Thanks." Ben raised his glass of iced coffee in a salute when it was delivered to their table. "So, you're on your summer break, how long have you got left?"

"Don't ask, three weeks. You know the six-week half terms never go as quickly as the six-week break. I have lesson plans all over the place, exercise books, experiments, in fact I need to get back and tidy a few things up later, or my cleaner is going to quit!"

"Science was never my subject, maths I liked, history too. I was a psychology student in uni but I dropped out when my dad died." Ben's eyes reflected his sadness for a moment but only a moment.

"I'm sorry. You could do OU you know."

"I did four years of the knowledge, never again will I give myself voluntary homework!"

Gray understood. He knew that becoming a London cab driver was extremely hard.

"That must have been taxing."

"Oh, please!" Ben groaned but inwardly he wondered at his new friend's turnaround in behaviour. The psychology course wasn't so far behind him that he didn't know there was a lot of denial going on. It wasn't any of his business though and so, for the time being, he would ignore it. 

The conversation flowed, the two men getting to know each other surprisingly quickly. Ben had told stories of some of the people he'd had in his cab and Gray had laughed; he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so carefree. Well, he could, but he wasn't going there, not now.

"So, why did you want to know how much holiday I have left?"

"Oh, because, do you like cricket?"

"Yeah, I do, I especially like cricket when we win, which is always a novelty."

"I just got two tickets for the fourth day of the final test. Wanna come?"

"You're kidding me." Gray looked on with wide eyes. "That sold out months ago, where did you get them?"

"I have my connections. I don't always work Harley Street. I was talking with a couple of commentators from Sky TV about a month ago, I took them, very early, to Heathrow, and they booked me to pick them up when they returned from their trip. Last week I drove them again and they offered me the tickets. I wasn't going to say no. They knew I like any sport that's going, well, almost any."

"I would really like to come, thanks." Gray drained the last of his coffee- mocha-whatever-it-was he'd chosen and then took the final mouthful of his cherry muffin. He would have to remember to mention he'd come here; the recommendation had certainly been accurate. "Not that the holidays make any difference, the fourth day is a Sunday, right."

"That's true." Ben nodded and, as Gray was already finished, drank the last of his own drink and stood up. "Your carriage awaits."

Gray stood up as well and nodded. "Thanks. You know I can walk from here and meet you Saturday for football like we arranged."

"Oh, I'm sure you can, but you know about me and walking."

There was no response, but Ben saw Gray smiling as he called out his thanks to the café owner and then the two of them headed towards the pavement and climbed back in the cab.

Gray invited Ben in when they got to his building and the taller cabbie was pleased to accept. Jim looked on in amazement as he saw the two of them enter together but said nothing.

"I'd offer you coffee but it seems a bit redundant now." Gray opened the door and let Ben precede him into the flat. 

"It does. I won't stay long I just ..." Ben stopped talking, suddenly, for the first time feeling awkward.

"What?" Gray looked across at his new friend, aware that a barrier had come down between them. "Ben?"

"I'm sorry. I just, Gray, who was Simon? I don't want to know anything you don't want to tell me, but there is a reason for me asking."

Gray turned away, aware that he was, almost instantly, close to tears. 

"It's ok. He was my boyfriend; he died four years ago. So, yeah, I'm gay, Gray the gay, I was called in college." His hackles had risen, it wasn't fair to take things out on Ben and he knew it, but somehow Gray had a feeling he would still be there when he'd finished his little tantrum. "I don't want to talk about him."

"I know, and I didn't ask you to, not really. It's just, I keep saying that don't I?" He saw Gray nod his head as he gathered himself. "Gray, I'm gay too. I'm not after you, I swear, but Saturday, when we play footie, well my friends will probably think we're an item. They're always trying to pair me off. I just wanted to warn you." The warmth was back in Ben's eyes now and Gray smiled.

"I don't think I'll ever be paired off again, but thanks for the warning. Would you rather I didn't come?"

"No, no, not at all, forewarned is forearmed, right?"

"Now you sound like my mother, get out of here, go earn some money. I'll see you Saturday." Gray cuffed his friend on the arm glad things were back to normal so quickly. "Oh, and here, my phone numbers, this is Britain, it could be snowing by the weekend."

Ben took the proffered piece of paper and pushed it into the pocket of his jeans. With a wave of his hand he turned and was gone, leaving Gray with swirling thoughts almost as confused as his own.

Ben pulled into the driveway of his house a little after ten that evening. He'd had a good day, busy, and he'd worked longer than planned. He wasn't working the following day; his cab was due for its annual inspection. Instead he would do housework in the morning and paperwork in the afternoon. Locking his cab and closing the garage door Ben made his way inside. He put Gray's telephone number by the phone in the hall and headed towards the kitchen. 

The cup of tea and two slices of toast had been just enough to make him feel sleepy, but as he lay in bed Ben knew that he wouldn't be nodding off for a while. Gray's face floated before his eyes as he thought about his newest friend. He hadn't been lying when he said he wasn't after Grayling, but that didn't mean he wouldn't like to be. He had figured Simon was dead, or at least no longer in Gray's life, and that their parting hadn't been easy. What he hadn't expected was how telling Gray he wasn't chasing him had made him wonder what it would be like if he were.

For a moment Ben laid back, his bleached blond hair splaying out on the pillow as he roughly fingered it. The need that Gray had for a companion, if only a friendly one, was so palpable to everyone but the man himself Ben was sure he'd be mortified if he realized it. He was also sure that if anyone actually tried to do anything about it they would be left in his dust as he 'got the hell out of Dodge'. Damn it all, here alone in his own house he could admit to himself that the man was cute, slim, had a sexy butt and, with his glasses on, a studious but vulnerable air about him that Ben found very appealing.

His hands began to roam lower on his body. Ben slept naked and it wasn't long before his fingers found what they were looking for. Slowly at first he began to jerk himself off, the warmth and hardness of his dick increasing his fervour until, with a cry of his new friend's name, he came in an arc which splashed across his abdomen before pooling in the dips of his muscles as he began to catch his breath.

The remainder of Gray's holiday was taken up with preparation for the new school year. He made his two visits to Marcia Mulholland. Both times he was greeted outside by Ben who then took him to their now regular coffee shop where they chatted for about an hour before Gray was taken home and Ben returned to work. The football on the Saturday had been fun but a wake up call for Gray as to how out of condition he was. There had been a new gym opened near to his building the previous month and to his amazement he had signed on, also hiring a personal trainer for the first few weeks to help him ease gently back into keeping fit.

The day of his visit to Lords dawned sunny and clear. The weather forecasters all week had been casting doom and gloom about the chances of the entire five days being played without one or two breaks for rain but it looked as if they would be wrong, at least once.

Gray stood in front of his wardrobe and tried to decide what to wear. He had always prided himself on looking good, even after Simon had died he'd still made sure that he never looked anything other than his best. He chose a pair of dark grey chinos and a blue shirt. His hair needed cutting, it was almost to his shoulders now, but until he had to go back to school it would stay the way it was; he liked it longer. His goatee too was a little more defined than usual. It wasn't the two-day shadow he typically sported, more like four and he thought he liked that too. 

Shrugging himself into his shirt he considered his reflection in the mirrored wardrobe door. He'd lost a lot of weight after Simon ... well, after four years ago, but he had to admit now that it didn't look bad on him. He had shocked his sister the night before when they'd linked up via webcam for the first time that summer. She had told him he looked great, she too loved his hair and beard. She had even asked if there was a new man in his life and he'd told her 'no' in no uncertain terms. She was the only person who would get away with asking that question and both of them knew it. 

Now though Gray realized that, whatever he'd said, he did have another man in his life. Ben Marsh had only been around for a few weeks but he had made a difference to him, a huge difference and, for the first time in a long while, Gray was looking forward to his days. The time he spent with the older man was becoming increasingly important the more of it they shared.

He leant over the bed and grabbed Simon's picture. That was another thing that had changed. Since Ben had come into his life he'd felt able to put Simon's photo on the nightstand. It was now in a beautiful frame, black with a creamy marble effect through the ebony colour. The almost jet-black hair and eyes smiled at him, the white teeth, so apparent in the tanned face were bright and even. There had been no doubt about it Simon had been drop dead gorgeous, far more so than Gray would ever be. That was what made what had happened even harder to take. Gray shook his head, not today, today wasn't for old memories; it was for making new ones.

The bell rang in his hallway and Gray rushed over to it.

"Hello."

"Mr. Watson, Mr. Marsh is waiting in the lobby for you, Sir, should I sent him up?"

"Um, yeah, thanks." It couldn't have been anyone else; Gray didn't have visitors. He used to; when Simon had been there the bell rang all the time, now that didn't happen. Not even realizing he'd thought about his dead lover without tearing up Gray opened the door and listened for the ping of the lift. He poked his head out then and saw Ben walking towards him. He had dark blue jeans on and a white shirt. Plain, simple and stunning all at the same time.

"Hi." Ben smiled when he saw his friend's face and took in his appearance. Gray always went to his therapist wearing a suit and he played football in tracky bottoms and a baggy t-shirt. Now he was dressed for a day out he looked, in Ben's eyes, red hot. "Looking good, man."

"Thanks, you too. We don't scrub up half bad do we? Wanna a coffee before we go?"

"No thanks, I had one before I left home. You know, I was thinking on the way over, we never even mentioned what we're gonna eat. D'you want to grab something there?"

"I do not. And just because you didn't think of it doesn't mean I haven't. Will this do you?" Gray indicated behind him and Ben could see a wicker picnic basket set down on the kitchen counter. He walked over and opened the lid before gasping.

"Gray, this is ... wow, it looks great." There was a set of plates, glasses, cutlery, for two, as well as condiments, napkins and wipes. There was also containers with food in them, smoked salmon, pate, a bottle of white wine in its own cool wrapping, slices of brown bread and butter, thin crackers and some small pastries that appeared to have raspberries in them. There were also Florentines and a box of champagne truffles. "Did you make this?"

"Yeah, right. I had it delivered yesterday afternoon, courtesy of Fortnum and Mason. It's my contribution to the day. I've also got some bottles of water, it's supposed to be hot today and they'll charge a bomb for them at the ground. You can carry them." The six-pack of litre Evian bottles wasn't anywhere near as nice as the hamper and Ben grimaced as he picked them up. He was both flattered and embarrassed by the food Gray had bought but knew it wouldn't be appropriate to comment other than favourably and so he grinned. 

"Well, what are we waiting for then? Let's go. You did say you would be driving right?"

"I did. As you drive all week it seemed like a bit of a busman's holiday if I didn't." They left the flat together and headed for the lift. Ben watched as Gray, who was carrying the hamper, hit the button with a G on it and then leant back against the wooden handrail and continued to observe. He knew Gray was an expert at hiding his true feelings but he was also sure there was a gradual change taking over Grayling. He seemed a little more open, definitely more relaxed than he had been and to his delight he appeared to enjoy his company almost as much as he himself enjoyed Gray's.

The large four-by-four surprised Ben although he didn't know why. Somehow he'd expected Gray to drive something a little more ordinary.

"Nice wheels." He looked approvingly around the shiny black monster.

"Thanks. It's the only thing of Simon's I kept. He loved it and I just couldn't bear to sell it on."

"The man had good taste." Ben didn't think he let his surprise show at how easily Simon's name had been mentioned, but he hurriedly climbed into the passenger seat just in case he had.

Soon they were driving through the early morning London streets on their way to Lords cricket ground. As they began looking for a parking space an hour later both men were glad they had left themselves plenty of time to get organized. As it was they had to walk for almost half an hour back towards the ground but the sun was still shining and neither man minded.

"You know there is a chance we could win this today, that would be cool." Gray's voice showed his enthusiasm. The two men had spent the previous afternoon at a pub by the Thames watching the test match, both of them revelling in the fact that they would be there the following day enjoying the action and the atmosphere first hand.

"They played well yesterday, what do they need, 256 to win?" Ben tried to remember the exact figures and received a nod in reply.

"Yeah, something like that." Gray had been trying to recall the exact same thing and almost laughed out loud. There had been a few occasions when their thoughts had either mirrored or followed on from each other. He was enjoying that but it scared him too.

Their seats amazed both men. The view was unhindered and had only two or three rows of spectators in front of them.

"Wow, you've got to get pally-pally with those guys again. The 2012 Olympics spring to mind." The two men put the cushions they'd hired at the gate on their seats and made themselves comfortable. The wicker basket fitted neatly between them and Gray was glad it wouldn't get in the way of the action that would be going on around them. Ben handed across half the Sunday Times he'd bought and they began to quietly concentrate on articles that caught their eye. It would be a few hours before any action began and both men were determined to enjoy the chance to relax in such hallowed surroundings as they read the paper.

The walk back to the car had been full of laughter and merriment. Whereas when they'd arrived the pavements had been almost empty now they were heaving, and everyone was in a good mood, talking with people they would probably never see again as if they'd been friends for life. Gray and Ben joined in with the others, their day had been very enjoyable so far and neither man wanted it to end.

The traffic was horrendous, people who had been happy and relaxed on foot turned into snarling monsters behind the wheel and it seemed everyone was going in the same direction as Gray.

"Take this turning on the right for about a quarter mile, I'll tell you where to go after that."

Gray just nodded. He had no idea where he was, Lords wasn't somewhere he'd ever visited before, and he'd just been following the crowd. No one else seemed to be taking this route though and so he speeded up a little. Three quarters of an hour later he was turning into a road he recognized and he realized it would only take about another thirty minutes and he'd be home.

"Hey, man, thanks. I'd have been stuck in that lot half the night." Gray pulled into his parking space and smiled.

"Cab driver, remember, knowledge comes in useful, in more ways than one."

Gray smacked his hand against his forehead in mock astonishment.

"Well, d'uh, why didn't I think of that? You're coming up, right? Have a beer maybe, and a coffee."

"I will, thanks." He leant over into the back of the car and grabbed the two water bottles left from the six they'd taken with them that morning. The hamper was on Gray's side of the vehicle and he took that. "The food was great, Gray, thanks."

"No problem. So, what d'you reckon, about an hour's play tomorrow? Shame about the light, thought we might see it through there for a while."

They talked about the match all the way up in the lift and down the hallway, Gray unlocked the door and they continued their discussion about the various players as they entered. He turned on the television, flicked it to the sports channel and then went to put the coffee on. As he did so he heard a shout.

"Hey, look, it's us!" 

Grey turned around to see their cheering faces on the screen.

"Hit record on the blue remote. If we're on again I can send it to my mother; she's always saying I don't get out enough."

Ben laughed but did as he was asked. His mother said the same; perhaps he could grab a copy.

Gray came into the living area and put the cans down on the table. He sat on the sofa, not too close but there was a small enough distance between them for Ben to again notice the change in his friend since the first time they met. They commented on the cricket for a while and drank a couple of beers each. Gray felt himself relax a little more and he looked down at Ben as he went to draw the curtains and turn on the lights and couldn't help thinking how at home he seemed. His heart caught in his throat as Ben smiled up at him and when he sat back down again he swallowed all his fear and spoke.

"Stay with me, don't go home."

"Gray?" Ben turned to face him, concern written across his handsome features.

"Ben, please, I ... I don't want you to go. I don't know what I can do, but please, just for tonight, please."




Sound Mind and Body



"Gray, I can't."

"Oh." Gray stood up, he felt betrayed, let down, humiliated and then as Ben put his hand on his shoulder he was turned to face him.

"I'll stay, but I can't do it for just tonight. If I stay it means we're gonna try and make a go of this. I know you're scared and the last thing I want to do is make things worse, but if it's only a one night stand then you've got the wrong guy." 

There were tears in Gray's eyes as Ben finished talking and carefully the older man ran a thumb across his lips before leaning in and tenderly, so tenderly, kissing him.

Gray thought he would collapse in a boneless heap. It had been so long since he'd felt anything other than hopelessness, loneliness and despair that the emotions the kiss released overwhelmed him and he leant into Ben's strong body, letting the other man hold him up.

"Shhh, baby, it's alright, slow and gentle, I'm in no hurry." He ran his fingers into Gray's long hair, twisting it as he did so and causing his companion to gasp.

"Bedroom, we need to be in the bedroom." Gray backed away from Ben but the stronger man didn't relax his grip, instead he moved as if they were one into the only room in the flat he had yet to see and let himself be manoeuvred onto the bed. He saw a picture on the nightstand and knew, instinctively, it was Simon. He said nothing but hoped the presence of the other man wouldn't hinder Gray's recovery.

As Ben's mind processed his thoughts he saw Gray reach out, smile apologetically and turn Simon's face to the wall. Then he leant over Ben's supine figure and hesitantly kissed him back.

"Love me, Ben, it's been so long." The words were almost a plea and Ben nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He pushed himself up on his elbows and carefully moved so that he was able to undo the buttons on Gray's shirt. As he revealed each portion of chest he leant in and kissed the skin. It was a pale golden colour and had a light sprinkling of hair across it. When all the buttons were open he pulled at the material until it came free from the grey trousers before removing it completely and throwing it to the floor.

"Tell me what you like, baby, help me please you."

"Touch, just want you to touch me." Gray looked up into Ben's eyes and the older man could see his face was relaxed and, encouraged by this, he moved over and began to tongue a soft brown nipple. "Ohhhh, yesss, Ben." Gray's body raised from the mattress as his hands grasped the sheets. "Feels so good."

"Can I?" Ben placed a hand on Gray's waistband, he didn't want to go further if it would spoil things but when he received a nod as an answer he quickly got rid of the rest of Gray's clothing. "So beautiful, you are so beautiful, I knew you would be." Ben lapped at Gray's skin; the hairs were soft, silky and tickled his tongue. Gray writhed beneath him, every neglected nerve ending on fire as they received long ago forgotten stimulation.

"Let me see you, Ben, I want to look at you."

Ben needed no more encouragement; he growled his response, almost ripping at his clothes in his haste to remove them. His own body was almost hairless. His chest was bare naturally but he shaved around his cock and balls, liking the feeling of air against his skin as he slept.

"Oh, God, Ben." Gray's words failed him, he was looking at an Adonis, an Adonis who wanted to be with him, and he held his arms out, almost in supplication and pulled Ben close to him.

Their lips met again but this time Ben was granted entry and his tongue danced with Gray's, their bodies rubbing against each other as they kissed and he felt Gray's breathing rate increase. He knew the younger man was close to cumming and that once he had all this would be over. He moved back and then gently kissed him again, this time on his forehead.

"Slowly, it's been a while for me too, let me touch you."

"Yes, Ben, touch me, let me feel you, please. Arghhh." The warm hand was suddenly around his cock, he wasn't that big, maybe six, six and a half inches and Ben's large hands covered almost all of him. Slowly he began to move back and forth, catching the pre-cum, which was leaking copiously from the head of Gray's dick, and lubricating the length with it. Gray was moaning continually, his hands grasping and ungrasping the sheets, his head moving from side to side, almost as if he had no idea what to do with the rest of his body while he was suffused in such pleasure.

"Gonna cum, Ben, can't ... can't ... Nnnnghhh, oh, fuck! BEN!" His load shot from his body in long hot spurts, and splattered across his chest. Gray's body jerked and spasmed as he let go of his inhibitions and as he finally began to slow down he collapsed into the mattress, unaware of anything and everything.

Ben sat back on his haunches, fulfilled but still in need of release. He began to jack himself off, watching Gray's beautiful body as he did so, and then saw his lover's eyes open. 

"Cum on me, Ben, let me feel your spunk mix with mine." The sight of Gray naked before him, his cum sparkling on the soft hairs was almost enough on its own, but when Gray invited him to cum it was all he needed. With a cry of his own Ben's hand sped up and only a minute or so later he roared his completion.

"Yeah, baby, yeah, now, on your hot body, baby, ohhhh, God, Gray, urghhh." His own release wasn't as powerful or long as Gray's but it robbed Ben of what strength he had and he flopped down beside Gray, his hand moving to scoop up some of the cum so he could taste it. Gray watched, turned on beyond belief by what Ben was doing.

"Oh, shit, Ben, feed me too, let me taste you." He stuck his tongue out to catch the drips hanging from the older man's fingers and then, when he had sucked them clean, watched Ben finish by licking up the remaining spunk from his chest.

"Come here, baby." Ben moved slightly so that Gray could lie against him and watched with pleasure as the younger man snuggled up, resting his head against Ben's chest before smiling a very satisfied smile and closing his eyes. Ben knew there would be guilt following what they had done, but he'd deal with that in the morning, for now both of them needed to answer the call sleep was making, and he too closed his eyes, wondering as he did so whether Gray felt as complete as he did.

"Simon, please, no, let him go. No!" Ben was suddenly awake, seeing Gray sitting up, shaking, his head in his hands and he reached out to him.

"It's a dream, Gray, just a dream."

"I ... I know and I'm sorry." Gray couldn't look at Ben, couldn't touch him and so instead he turned his back, leaving the older man feeling bereft. He closed his eyes again and hoped sleep would save him.

It was the sound of crying that woke Ben the following morning and he looked over to the empty side of the bed with a curse. He'd meant to wake before Gray. He'd wanted to be there to take him back into his arms and help him deal with the fallout from their lovemaking and then the nightmare of the night before, but it hadn't happened that way at all.

He climbed off the bed, grabbed his boxers from the floor and stepped into them. He then padded into the living room to see Gray, still naked, sitting in one of the armchairs, his legs up against his chest with arms clasped around them, rocking back and forwards as the tears flooded his face.

"Oh, baby, no. It's gonna be ok. Shhh." He reached out and this time took Gray into his arms, his skin rebelling slightly at the chilled, cold body he held.

"Help me, Ben, I feel so guilty. Simon ... how could I do that to him?"

"Come over onto the couch, let me hold you there, ok?" he was relieved to see Gray nod and so he gathered him up and carefully walked him the few steps to the soft, comfy cream sofa that matched the chair. He pulled the throw that was folded across the back down and wrapped it around them both. "Look at me, Gray, and let me talk. I don't want to hurt or upset you, just help. Will you let me?"

"Ok. But ... don't ask, you know, please." Gray looked down at where his hands were, but the blanket hid them and so he stared at that instead.

"I won't." He paused, knowing that he needed to be careful what he said. "Gray, if it had been you who'd died, would you have wanted Simon to stay celibate the rest of his life?" 

There was silence for a long while; Ben wasn't worried because he knew Gray was still with him, hadn't retreated to somewhere he couldn't reach him and so he waited.

"Maybe, yes. No. I don't know, Ben. No, I wouldn't want him to feel as alone as I've felt. To dream like I do. I loved him, still love him, how could I want him to suffer that way?

"He wouldn't want you to suffer either. You know that, deep down, don't you?" If he was honest Ben didn't know that himself, but he did know Gray and couldn't see him loving a man heartless enough to wish for him to be alone for the rest of his life.

"I wanted you so bad last night, I couldn't believe you wanted me too, but you did. It all seemed so right, but the dream and then this morning, when I turned his picture back round, I just felt so guilty, so unworthy. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Gray, I knew you were going to feel bad this morning; I even tried to tell myself to wake up before you so I could be ready, but I failed miserably."

"No, you're here now, you didn't love and leave me, I ... I couldn't have coped with that." The tears came back as Gray spoke, but this time they were for him and Ben, not him and Simon, and Ben smiled.

"I don't cut and run, never have, never will. I told you last night that it wouldn't be a one night stand, and trust me nothing's changed."

"Thank you." Gray snuggled closer to Ben and for a long while they just sat together, each man warming the other as their bond grew. Finally, as the sound of Monday morning traffic reached their ears Ben spoke again.

"I guess I'll take today off then. I think you need the company. Besides, the cricket'll be on soon."

"Yeah, I'd like that. I have my appointment with Marcia though. Will you come with me? Into the building I mean."

Ben nodded and then watched as Gray, relaxing more by the second, tried to cover a yawn.

"Have another half hour, sweetie, I'm gonna grab a shower and put the coffee on. We can leave after that, ok?" He was rewarded with a nod and then Gray closed his eyes again. Ben kissed him tenderly on the lips, slipped out of the blanket and wound it around the sleeping man's body before heading off to do as he'd said.

They'd enjoyed the cricket on the radio in Gray's car on the way into Central London. As they'd anticipated the previous evening England won in the first hour and they'd sung along to the music on Radio 2 on the way home instead of listening to the sport's phone-in that Radio 5 was presenting. Their regular coffee stop had been all the more enjoyable now they were a couple and Mary, who ran the café, had had their orders ready for them as they arrived. Gray had told her the following Monday he would be back in school but they planned to come in on Saturdays instead.

Their routine changed slightly when Gray returned to work but their relationship grew stronger. Ben didn't press his lover to tell him about his past, nor did he pressurise him to take their sexual relationship anywhere he didn't want to. His feelings for Grayling were getting stronger all the time and he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that it was worth taking everything at Gray's pace.

When the cricket season turned into the football season Gray found himself cheering Ben on from the touchline most Saturday afternoons before they either spent the evening laughing and joking in a local pub or curled up together in one home or the other just enjoying each other's company.

By the time the October half term came round they were talking about taking a holiday, just a day or two, maybe to Paris. They had discussed it all the way home in Gray's car from their latest football defeat with Ben doing his best to convince Gray that he would be able to converse like a native when everything changed.

They were laughing and relaxed without any of the guilt that had so beleaguered Gray at the beginning of their relationship when, cold and in need of hot coffee, they exited the lift in Gray's building and Ben felt his lover's body stiffen.

"No." The one word brought all the fear back into Gray and Ben's lives. Ben had no idea what the problem was, only that there was a man standing at Gray's door, an official looking man, with a very grim look on his face who seemed to be able to bypass the doorman with no trouble.

"Mr. Watson, nice to see you again." The man took two steps forward and shook Gray by the hand before turning to Ben. "And you are?"

"Ben Marsh, I didn't get your name." Ben was immediately on the defensive. This man appeared able to undo all the good that had been done to Gray over the summer and autumn in a minute flat. For that reason alone he instantly disliked him.

"Chief Inspector Nelson. Mr. Watson, we need to talk, privately." The man looked pointedly at Ben but Gray shook his head.

"No, unless you want to go, Ben, I'd like you to stay." Gray grasped hold of Ben's hand as he spoke and sighed in relief as he saw him nod.

"Of course, baby, you know I will." Ben had deliberately used the term of endearment. He wanted this cop to know he and Gray were together, and that he wasn't about to let his lover be pushed around. He was certain Gray wasn't in trouble with the law, but even if he was, he was still staying.

"Very well, could we go in do you think?" The policeman looked anything but happy as he stepped back and let Gray unlock his front door, and then the three of them went inside, all the relaxed happiness of the last few hours gone as if it had never been. 

For the first time since the day they had met the atmosphere as Ben sat next to Gray on the sofa was tense. He tried to relax so that he could give his lover the support he needed and put his arm around Grayling as he felt him lean into him.

"I felt it was better to come and see you personally, Sir, rather than phone, but I think you can guess the reason for my visit."

Gray nodded his head but said nothing and after a moment the policeman continued speaking.

"Paul Mayerling was released from jail this morning. We have no idea where he is now."

Again Gray nodded but said nothing. Words didn't seem able to convey the feelings that were coursing through his body. The fear of seeing Mayerling again had disappeared a long while ago, but only because he'd felt safe while he was incarcerated. That safety had now been ripped away by the system supposed to protect him and he knew the man would come after him, would search and find him, and Ben would be the next one to die.

"He doesn't know where you live, does he?" CI Nelson had taken his notebook out and was writing a few lines as he spoke.

"I ... I don't think so. He knows where I work though. He wrote to me there a few times." The memories scared Gray so much that Ben felt him slump against him. 

"What?" Chief Inspector Nelson's one word made both men jump with its intensity.

"I didn't tell anyone, I never opened the letters, not after the first one, they stopped in the end." Gray looked down, he knew he should have contacted someone, but he'd been so scared, and ignoring the facts had been the easiest way to deal with the problem.

"I don't suppose you kept any of them?" The tone of voice told Ben and Gray that the policeman expected a negative answer.

"No, I can tell you what the first one said though. He told me I was his, would always be his and it didn't matter whether I thought I was with someone else, I wasn't and never would be." There were tears in Gray's eyes as he finished talking and he turned his head into Ben's body.

"Gray, you have to take time off, a sabbatical, whatever you want to call it and move in with me, or I'll come here. I'm not letting you be alone, not when I can be with you." Ben took Gray's hand into his own, his thumb slowly caressing the back of it in an unconscious gesture of love. "Gray, you told me yourself you don't need to work, so don't, just for a while at least."

Ben remembered the conversation they'd had a month or two earlier. He'd casually mentioned the luxurious home Gray had and been told that an inheritance from a very wealthy grandfather had meant he had money enough to last him his whole life, and he could in fact live far more comfortably than he presently chose to if he wanted. Gray had explained how he could become a total couch potato until he was eighty and still have money to pass on to his heirs when his own time came.

Gray felt everything he had gained slipping away from him. The life he had found with Ben had been everything he thought he'd lost forever and now it looked like he was right. The thought of Ben being hurt or worse was the final straw for him. 

"I ... I don't know what to do, I have to think, God, I can't, no, this can't be happening, not again. Ben, I'm sorry." Gray suddenly stood up, pulling away from his lover and then he left the room. The door to his bedroom slammed and Ben and CI Nelson looked at each other in silence, both, in their way, worrying about the younger man.

"So, are you going to tell me what's going on?" Ben finally spoke, unable to bear the stillness any longer.

"You mean Mr. Watson hasn't?" The guards came up in Nelson's mind as soon as he heard the man sitting opposite him speak.

"No, he hasn't. All I know is that Simon died; I'm guessing that he didn't just die, he was killed. Look, it's taken Gray, Grayling, over four years to get to the point where you saw him this morning. I need to know what happened so I can help him."

"Who are you, Mr. Marsh?" Brian Nelson looked intently at the young man he was meeting for the first time. He seemed genuinely concerned about Grayling Watson and for that he was very glad, but he couldn't, wouldn't, tell him anything about what had happened to Simon Preston, that wasn't up to him.

"I'm Gray's boyfriend, we haven't been together very long but I have no plans to be going anywhere. I ..." Ben paused for a moment, aware he was about to make a declaration someone else should be hearing. "I love him, but... well, I haven't told him yet. I don't want to scare him, he's been that way for too long."

"What do you do for a living? Did you know Simon Preston?" 

"No, I didn't know him, I didn't even know that was his last name 'til you told me, I'm a taxi driver, black cabs, that's how I met Gray." Ben was aware he was being interrogated and tried to be as helpful as he could.

"I'm not about to tell you anything that Gray wouldn't, but I will say this, Paul Mayerling is an extremely dangerous young man. If you can get Mr. Watson to move out of London you would be doing him an enormous favour." The detective got to his feet as he finished speaking. "My card. Call me, day or night, if you feel there is any danger. I wish I could do more, but until he offends again my hands are tied."

Ben showed Chief Inspector Nelson out of the flat and watched from the doorway until the lift closed and hid him from view, then he turned and went back inside, wondering what if anything he would find out from Gray if he asked.

The silence that had been so awkward between Ben and CI Nelson enveloped him again as he stood alone in the hallway. With a deep sigh he walked towards the bedroom door and slowly opened it.

"Gray, can I come in?" Ben received just a nod and so he made his way over and knelt in front of his lover who was sat on a wicker chair the two of them had bought a fortnight ago from Camden market.

"Talk to me, baby, it's finally time, I need to know what happened." Ben reached up, there were tears on Gray's cheek and he gently brushed them away.

"I can't, Ben, it ... I see it, so clearly, but I can't."




Sound Mind and Body



Ben knew that to be of any use to Gray he would have to find out and so, for the first time since he had met him, Ben raised his voice.

"Grayling, look at me and listen." He waited and when nothing happened raised Gray's face himself with his thumb and then spoke more softly. "I love you, Gray, I don't ever want to be apart from you, but you have to let me in, please." His voice wavered as he finished speaking and it was Ben who broke eye contact first.

"I ... I love you too, help me, Ben, help me tell you." Receiving a nod of agreement Gray got to his feet and then climbed onto the bed, he pulled the duvet around him and waited patiently for Ben to join him and make himself comfortable. When he found himself held close in Ben's arms Gray knew there was no other place he would want to be as he told his tale.

"I met Simon when I was twenty-one, the day I was twenty-one actually, he was the DJ at my party in Devon. I knew I was gay, even then, but I'd never done anything about it. He was so cool, jet-black hair, thick, wavy, but he wasn't interested in me, I was a wimp. I got a job in the science department at Milton when I was twenty-three, I'd had my inheritance the day after that party and so I bought this place and began to work as a teacher. One night I went to a club in Chelsea, Pogo's, and he was on the door. He looked wonderful, his hair was a bit longer, so black, and he had black trousers and shirt on. I just wanted to melt in front of him.

"If he hadn't changed much, I had. I'd worked out, taken up swimming, I wasn't a wimp any longer. When he had his break I spoke to him, reminded him of where we'd met. It all went from there."

Gray's voice was still relaxed, still even, and Ben knew they weren't near the bad stuff yet. He also knew Gray would embellish the pleasant things; go into greater detail so he didn't have to talk about where it all went wrong.

"I went back a few times, usually on a Friday when I didn't have marking to do and finally he asked me out. He wasn't my first boyfriend, that would be Greg ... what?" 

"You're deviating, baby, I don't need to know about Greg."

"No, sorry, sorry. After about six months I bought a stake in Pogo's. I gave half to Simon, so he had a say in things, and I kept going there on a Friday night. I'd seen Paul Mayerling a few times, sometimes he'd sit and talk with me while I was waiting for Si to finish his shift, sometimes he was with other guys but even then he always said hi." Gray stopped talking and looked towards Ben. "Kiss me, please, before it all gets too hard."

Ben was more than happy to do as he was asked and he ran his hand up into Gray's hair as he captured his lips with his own. For a moment it was as gentle and chaste as the first time their lips touched but then Gray's hunger and desperation got the better of him and he took control, kissing Ben with such fervour he had to pull away just to breathe.

"Sweetie, you need to tell me. All the kisses and cuddles you want will be yours when we're done. I promise, I'm not going anywhere, whatever you tell me."

"'k. I never took much notice of Mayerling, not really, I knew he was a regular, so was I, so what? Simon had decided we needed a holiday and as the Easter break was coming up I booked a fortnight in Boston."

"Lincolnshire or Massachusetts?" Ben couldn't help himself, even though he knew it was getting serious.

"D'uh, Massachusetts. We'd never had a real holiday together, not like that, with passports, flights, the works." Gray closed his eyes. He could see Simon, getting all excited about what to pack, what they would do while they were there, all the things they'd see. "I ... I finished work on the Thursday, Si had to work the Friday night so I booked a hotel just down the road. Chelsea has some great places, or it did, I've never been there since."

"You're doing fine, keep going." Ben began to stroke Gray's hair back from his face. It was long now, down to his shoulders and he was glad that the younger man hadn't had it cut when he returned to work in September. 

"I took all the bags to where we were staying and Simon went to Pogo's. The hotel was great; I had a swim, a steam bath, even a massage before I went to the club. When I got there Simon said I smelt really hot." Gray smiled at the memory, he remembered the feeling of his boyfriend's breath against his neck, then his face became sad again as he restarted his tale. "The place was busy but my usual stool at the bar was always reserved for me on Fridays and I sat people watching. After about ten minutes I felt someone behind me and turned." Again Gray closed his eyes, it was about to get difficult and he didn't want to continue. He felt the brush of a kiss against his lips and he moaned into the touch but it was gone and he knew he had to speak again.

"You know it was Paul, I said hello, just as I always did, but instead of saying the same back he reached out and touched my hair, then he leant in and smelt it.

"Hmmm, Grayling, you smell wonderful tonight."

Gray was back in the club, it didn't matter that Ben was holding him, touching him, he was in Pogo's and his words took Ben there with him.

"Thanks. Simon and I are off on holiday in the morning thought I'd better make an effort."

"Really?" Paul Mayerling's eyes had flashed as he heard Gray's news. "That isn't very convenient."

"It's not?" Gray had been confused, nothing was planned at the club over the next couple of weeks that either he or Simon needed to be there for. 

"No, I'm having a party tomorrow night, you are my guest of honour." Paul had run his hand through Gray's hair as he spoke and Gray tried to brush him off.

"Well, you should have told me, but it wouldn't have made any different, Paul. I'm taken, you know that. You've been coming here long enough to realize Simon and me are together."

"Nothing is certain in this world, little one, nothing at all." For the first time Gray had felt scared of Paul. The words carried a menace that was unmistakable and he looked around in a panic for someone to rescue him. 

"Back off, Mayerling. He's mine." Simon had been there in a second, his six-foot frame roughly the same height as Paul.

"Ok, ok, jeez, can't you guys take a joke?" Paul had done as Simon said and backed off, he'd turned and moved away to the other end of the bar where he'd bought a drink and then found a table that miraculously became vacant as he approached it. It was then Gray had realized just how powerful Paul Mayerling was.

"Simon?"

"Don't worry, another couple of hours and we'll be gone. He'll have a few drinks and forget all about us. Hon, I have to get back to work, are you ok?"

Gray had nodded; he'd stay the opposite end of the club to Mayerling, chat with the barman and make sure he could see Simon at the front door all the time. Everyone seemed in a good mood, he was being more doorman and less bouncer, but Gray knew it could easily change.

"I ... I had a couple of beers and then, well, nature took its course." Gray was back in the present now and Ben watched him closely, wondering, even after all he'd told him, whether his lover would be able to finish the tale.

"I made my way to the men's room. It was the other end of the bar and then in back. Two stalls and a couple of urinals ... sorry, sorry, you don't need to know that." 

Ben had rested a finger on Gray's cheek and the young man realized what he was doing again.

"It isn't wise, little one, to cross me." Gray hadn't had time to even close the door to the stall before he felt Paul Mayerling moving in behind him.

"Paul, please, don't do this. Please." His words made no difference as the stronger man began to pull Gray towards him, claiming his lips in a bruising kiss, his hands grasping the younger man's upper arms tightly as he did so.

"You are mine, no one is going to deny me, not you, not your beefed up boyfriend, I always get what I want. Understand?"

Gray had tried desperately to get away but in the confined area there was nowhere to go. Paul began pulling at his shirt, exposing his skin and biting the base of his throat. "I will have you, I can be rough or gentle, the choice is yours."

"No! Let me go, I won't tell anyone, I promise, please." Tears fell as Gray knew that nothing he said would make any difference; Paul Mayerling was going to rape him and he couldn't prevent it.

"Help me, please, someone, he..." A large hand covered his mouth and nose, blocking the sound of his voice as well as his airway and then Gray felt Paul's other hand tighten around his throat. The restroom began to blur as he struggled for oxygen and just as he slid to the floor he thought he heard a sound.

"The barman had got worried about how long I'd been gone, especially as he couldn't see Mayerling either and he came looking for me. Paul told him he'd found me unconscious in the bathroom but he ... he hadn't, I swear. Ben, I didn't ... I didn't lead him on, I ... I didn't even like him." The words ended in a sob and Ben pulled Gray closer to him.

"Shhh, baby, it's ok. I know you didn't do anything like that, and even if you had you said no, that's all it should take to get someone to stop." Grayling was shaking in his arms now and for a moment Ben just held him. He knew there was worse to come, but even this alone would have messed up his lover's life.

"I didn't tell Simon, maybe I should have. I thought he'd kill him so I left it. I made the barman promise not to say anything and I just sort of pulled my clothes back on and went to sit on the stool again."

"What about Mayerling? Surely he didn't stay at the club after that?" Ben was shocked that Simon hadn't known. The man had been a bouncer; he could have effectively got rid of him and maybe prevented whatever had happened later.

"The barman told him he should leave. He said I didn't want any trouble and that if Simon wasn't to be told he needed to make himself scarce. I didn't see him for the rest of the evening so I guess he did."

Again Gray paused, he really didn't want to continue and he tried to pull away from Ben, to extricate himself from his arms.

"No, baby, you've come this far, keep going, let it out."

Gray nodded but said nothing. For a moment he leant against Ben's chest, as if gathering strength from the bigger man and then, with a deep intake of breath that ended in a groan, he began again.

"It was gone two when we left, I'd helped cash up, Simon had done the security check around the place and, after the barman headed home, we'd locked up and gone out into the road by the club. I was still spooked by what happened and just clung to Simon as he held me, kissing my hair, whispering to me how good the holiday would be, how much sex we'd have and then suddenly he was gone, not holding me any more."

Gray's words began to loose their resonance, his voice became a mumble and the tears he was shedding made him hard to understand. Ben didn't want him to have to repeat anything so he gently kissed his forehead and spoke quietly.

"Take it slow, babe, one word at a time, it's only me here, one word after another."

"'k. Someone had pulled Simon back, his arms were being held behind him and Paul Mayerling was punching him in the gut. He ... he grunted and cried out ... I tried to get to him ... there was a third man ... he stop ... stopped me. S... Simon fell to the floor and they kicked him, over and over but he fought back, got to his feet. The other guy, he was so big, he charged Si, pushed him and ... and ... oh, God ... his back hit a railing and he fell over it down into a basement. I h ... heard him cry out, scream, and then ... Ben, his neck, I heard his neck ... sorry, I'm sorry." Gray rushed from the room, tears streaming from his eyes as he made his way blindly towards the bathroom and then Ben heard him retching and vomiting into the toilet.

Ben waited ten minutes before he tapped on the door.

"Gray, you need to come out, baby, let me help you, ok?"

Again Ben waited, he didn't want to intrude, but he also didn't want to leave Gray alone for too long. He opened the door and moved quickly into the room to take his lover into his arms as Gray turned to him, his face haunted by what he'd had to relive.  

Ben walked Gray into the lounge and together they sat on the sofa. No words were spoken, instead they held each other, Ben gently stroking Gray's hair or just letting him rest his head on his chest. Finally, after almost an hour Gray spoke.

"Take me to bed, Ben, I need you." 

Ben just nodded, his lover's emotions were all over the place, but he could understand the primal need for them to mate. He needed it too. To replace the sad memories with new, fresh, passionate ones. He pulled Grayling towards him and then lifted him into his arms, kissing him with a fervour that took both men's breath away.

Their clothes were discarded across the lounge as they hurried back to the bedroom. Ben pushed Gray down on the bed, kissing his neck and chest, leaving his mark to prove to the younger man how much he wanted him.

"Fuck me, Ben, I want to feel you inside me."

"Baby, are you sure?" Ben looked shocked, he'd thought maybe he'd get to suck Gray off, and be sucked himself. Both men could tease the other incessantly, taking them higher and higher before they exploded. He would have been more than happy with that.

"Yes, something new, we need to do something new to take away today." Gray lay back fully on the bed, raised his arms and grasped the headboard with both hands. His legs flopped apart as he opened himself up submissively for his lover and Ben couldn't help the moan that escaped him.

"Oh, God, Gray, yes, let me take you, I'll make it good, baby, I promise." He leant in, sucking on first one nipple and then the other as his hands began to play with Gray's cock. He felt the pre-cum dampen the tip and he moved down to take it deep into his mouth.

"Ohhhh, Ben, God, yes, yes!" His body arched from the bed and his cock pushed on the back of Ben's throat. Gray wasn't too long and it had never been a problem for him to take it all in. Ben's cheeks were concave as he sucked up and down the length, the suction making Gray see stars and he knew he needed to slow down.

"I'll be gentle, baby, if you want me to stop I will."

Gray nodded; it had been so long since anyone had loved him this way and he knew it would almost be like the first time. He watched as Ben leant forward and took a pack of flavoured condoms and some lube from the nightstand. Gray held out his hand and took the protectors from his lover.

"Let me." He ripped the silver foil cover off and then, as Ben looked on in amazement, Gray put the condom into his mouth. Carefully, not wanting to rip the latex or hurt his lover with his teeth, Gray moved to grip Ben's cock at the base. He then put his mouth over the end and began to push the condom down the length using his lips to unroll it. Ben had felt nothing like it before and grasped Gray's head, holding him there for a moment, savouring the feelings.

"Oh, fuck, Gray, where did you learn that?"

"Remember Greg, the one you didn't want to know about?" Ben nodded his head; the sensations as Gray now laved up and down his cock were driving him wild. "We learnt together. I'll teach you one day." Gray moved back, lying down again and began to jack his own cock. "I want you, Ben, I want you to take me, make me yours, I love you so much."

"Turn over, baby, let me get you ready." Gray did as he was told without another word, he grasped at the sheets as Ben placed a pillow beneath him, parted his cheeks and began to lick and suck his way down to Gray's most private of places. His head was resting on another pillow and he moaned into it as the wonderful sensations began to overtake him. Ben's tongue began to probe the tight opening, furled up it gradually made its way inside and it was all Gray could do not to rub himself up and down on the sheets and cum before Ben was finished with his preparations. He moaned in desperation as Ben stopped his ministrations but then grimaced as he felt one thick finger being carefully inserted. He forced himself to relax and in just a few moments was writhing again as he enjoyed long forgotten feelings.

"That's three fingers, baby, turn over again, I want to see you."

Ben's voice was soft but controlling and Gray rolled over and raised himself up so the pillow could be removed. He was a mixed up wreck he knew that but he wanted nothing more than to give himself to Ben and he pulled his legs up to his chest, opening himself up to the man he loved.

Ben watched for a moment as Gray waited for him. His cock was so hard it hurt and he could feel a need inside him to take Gray by force, to make him his property but he didn't. Instead he lifted Gray's legs onto his shoulders before taking hold of his cock and carefully resting it at the entrance to Gray's body and then, as he began to push, he leant forward and captured Gray's mouth in a kiss.

"Mine, baby, so beautiful and all mine." He pushed into Gray and felt himself being admitted and began to rock back and forwards to ease his entry. "So tight, feels so good, so damn good."

"God, Ben, yes, take me, ohhhh, yes." Raising himself up Grey began to fuck back against Ben, feeling the rock hard rod inside him touching and then rubbing his prostate. Ben's warm hand took his cock and began to stroke it. Feelings exploded around Gray as he felt his cum boil in his balls and then, as he tried to hold on longer, to make things last he heard Ben again.

"Cum for me, baby, cum now, with me." The hand sped up as did the thrusts, "Can't last, baby, gonna cum, oh, fuck, Grey. Ohhhhhh!" Ben pushed faster and faster into Gray, then his body froze for a moment before every nerve ending seemed to be concentrated inside Gray and he was shooting load after load of spunk and suddenly Gray was doing the same. He clenched even tighter around Ben's cock and cried out his lover's name over and over as his load spewed forth onto his chest before Ben collapsed down onto him totally spent.

Ben didn't know what he'd expected to happen after he and Gray had made love. That, on top of Gray having finally told him his story, meant nothing would be the same again. The release they'd both needed had been wonderful but the reasons for it meant he'd trespassed into areas the younger man hadn't wanted him to go and they would both have to face the consequences of that.

Gray had wrapped himself around Ben as they recovered from their explosive orgasms. He'd needed to tell him how things had ended. Mayerling had protested his innocence, claiming he'd been sure Simon was the one attacking Gray and he'd only gone in to protect him. No other witnesses had come forward to speak on Gray's behalf but three had for Mayerling. The man who'd actually pushed Simon had got ten years, but his would-be attacker only got five. He must have behaved himself inside but that didn't surprise Gray. The tears had come again as the young man explained how he'd realised he was totally alone; no one had backed him up, no one had cared. He'd sold his stake in Pogo's, buried his lover and disappeared into his flat. He worked, ate, slept and, until he'd met Ben, had envisaged doing nothing more until he was old and grey. Once he'd finally finished his tale he'd snuggled into Ben, his face still wet with tears and fallen into a disturbed sleep. By the following morning it was as if the laughter had never been in his eyes and his whole demeanour changed. He could no longer hide in his new relationship because Ben knew what had happened and that increased his despondency and depression to new levels. Stubbornly though he refused to hand in his notice and just leave, saying instead he would stay until a suitable supply teacher could be found.




Sound Mind and Body



Ben made sure he delivered Gray to school every morning in his cab and was always there each afternoon to pick him up. For two weeks that worked but then one Tuesday when he wasn't working Ben had a visitor.

His small house on the outskirts of London had been up for sale for a week. Gray had told Ben it was daft for him to keep it, especially as the flat had a doorman and was far more secure. Ben had just nodded his agreement knowing there was no point in trying to change his mind. He had put the property on the market without mentioning it again. Gray was so tightly wound and introverted that Ben had begun to do things and then seek Gray's approval afterwards. He was pretty sure he knew what his boyfriend would like and not like and so far he seemed to be doing ok.

The estate agent had called and asked whether a prospective buyer could come and view and Ben had spent a hurried hour and a half tidying or hiding all the stuff he seemed to have on each and every surface. When the bell rang he opened the front door looking reasonably cheerful only to be pushed back against the hall wall as a tall, dark haired man held his forearm across Ben's throat.

"I imagine you know who I am. Grayling Watson belongs to me. I know where he lives so stay away from him or you'll end up like Simon Preston. Understand?"

Ben pushed back, making Paul Mayerling take three or four steps away from him. 

"Gray is my boyfriend, he has no interest in you, and certainly doesn't 'belong' to anyone! Now get out of my house before I call the police and have you arrested." Ben manhandled the now furious man towards the door; he was strong, but not as strong as the cabbie who had been working out harder than ever so he could protect his lover. Once Ben had got Mayerling out into his front garden he turned to return inside, felt a stunning blow across the back of his head and fell to the floor, no longer aware of his assailant or anyone else.

Gray had been shocked and scared to find Chief Inspector Nelson waiting for him in the main reception of his school instead of Ben. He'd managed to keep his tears at bay until he was in the unmarked police car, but the description of what had happened to his lover filled him with dread.

The detective had driven Gray straight to the hospital where Ben was being treated. He explained to him that the estate agent, arriving roughly half an hour into the supposed viewing, had found Ben unconscious on his front path and called an ambulance. By the time the young man had arrived at the casualty department he was returning to consciousness but had no recollection of what had happened to him or how he had ended up where he was found. The chances were he would never remember.

The doctor on duty told the detective that Ben was having a CAT scan and they could sit in the main waiting room. He would be admitting Ben for at least overnight observation as the young man had been unconscious for an indeterminate amount of time, but quite probably over five or ten minutes and that was a definite cause for concern.

Gray arranged for Ben to have a private room, ensuring all bills would be sent to him and then, once it had been prepared, made himself comfortable in one of the two easy chairs, watching the detective but saying nothing.

His mind was in a whirl. He'd known Ben could be in danger, but he'd thought, stupidly, that it would be something that would happen when they were together. The fact that Ben's house was so far from his only made him realize more strongly that he had been right to tell his lover to sell it and move in with him. What would be even better though was if Gray could get him to leave, to break up with him; that way Ben would no longer be in any danger. He had no doubt that Mayerling would attack again, this had been a warning, meant to make Ben back off and scare and remind Gray of what had happened to him last time. He doubted Ben would capitulate, but the rest had worked, he wasn't just scared, he was terrified.

Ben had been wheeled into the room almost an hour after Gray had entered it. He was asleep, his face pale apart from an angry looking bruise down one side where Gray imagined he'd hit the ground. The nurse told Gray and Nelson she would be coming in regularly to check on Ben but that at present he was considered to be in a serious but stable condition. Grey had just nodded; he couldn't take his eyes off the sleeping form of his lover. Usually Ben was the strong one, nothing seemed to faze him, but as he lay there, his breathing being monitored as fluids were pumped into him, he seemed so fragile and Gray felt his anger rise.

In the end Ben stayed for three days in the hospital before being released into Gray's care. Ben still couldn't remember anything that had happened to him for the entire day before the accident and up until he saw Grayling about three hours after he had been admitted. He had driven everyone mad by asking over and over again what had happened to him. The first time he'd asked Gray why he had a headache he'd shrugged and told him he'd hit his head. There was no proof that anything other than that had happened. By the time he'd been asked about forty times Gray was ready to tell Ben he'd been abducted by aliens and used as a football. He had a feeling that, for the minute or two he remembered what was being said to him, Ben would have believed him.

It had been a month before Ben was ready to go back to work. Gray had readily agreed to leave school and remain at home with him while he recuperated. He had tried to persuade Ben to finish the relationship when he was feeling better but the older man had refused. They still loved each other but things had changed between them. Although they hugged, cuddled, even kissed, Gray wouldn't let Ben close enough to make love to him regularly. They had pleasured each other, just as they had done the first time when Gray had begged Ben to stay with him, but now it was Ben doing the begging. Gray was too scared to let Ben any closer to him and so instead, despite Ben's best efforts, they began drifting apart.

Before Ben could drive his cab again he had to undertake a medical exam and so, with a heavy heart, he'd left Gray alone one Thursday afternoon hoping that he could get at least one part of his life back on track.

It took far longer than he'd thought to get all the paperwork and everything sorted out but Ben was delighted he could go home and tell Gray he'd be back at work the following Monday even if that meant he wouldn't be able to keep an eye on his partner during that time. He hadn't realized how much he enjoyed his job until he couldn't do it any longer, and the chance to return to it was very welcome.

Ben stopped for a few minutes to talk with the doorman on his return. Jim was on holiday and the temporary guy seemed pleased to be taken notice of.

"Mr. Watson had a visitor while you were out."

"Oh." Ben was immediately on his guard. "Was it Inspector Nelson?"

"No, no, I know him, I'd never seen this guy before. About your height, dark hair, didn't say much, just that he was here to see Grayling Watson and knew his way up."

Ben didn't wait to hear anything more. He had no proof but he was sure the visitor had been Paul Mayerling. He was half way up in the lift before he realized he hadn't even asked if the man was still in the building. He rushed down the hallway, grabbing his keys out of his pocket as he did so; he flung open the front door, crying out his lover's name at the same time.

"Gray, baby, where are you? Gray!" There was no reply and the silence hung in a heavy pall over the flat. Ben opened the bedroom door but Gray wasn't there, he moved to the bathroom, crying out as he finally saw his lover.

"Gray, no!" The bathroom in their home was large; Ben had always loved the room and how much space there was. He'd even entertained the possibility of making love to Gray there, but that had been swept from his mind by the insecurities of his partner lately. Now, grateful once again for the extra room, he crouched down by the side of the slumped body of his boyfriend, tears on his face as he took in the scene.

Gray was flopped down by the side of the bath, he had no clothes on, the ripped remnants were, Ben realized belatedly, out in the lounge. Gray had blood and sperm over the lower half of him but what worried Ben more was the empty pill bottle that had fallen out of his hand to lie menacingly next to a broken tumbler on the tile floor of the bathroom.

"Oh, God, Gray!" Ben looked around, trying frantically to remember what the hell he needed to do. He knew Gray had been raped and it had to be by Mayerling but that scumbag wouldn't kill Gray, his boyfriend had tried to do that to himself.

His first aid knowledge came back in a rush and Ben leant down and listened keenly for any sounds to show Gray was still alive. When he was satisfied that he was breathing slowly but regularly he carefully moved him until he was lying on his back. Once he was sure there were no extra injuries to deal with, or any bleeding other than that he'd already noticed Ben gently moved Gray into the recovery position, talking to him softly all the time. Then he grabbed his mobile phone from his pocket, dialled 999 and prayed he wasn't too late to save the man he loved.

Gray had refused to see Ben for almost a week. With hindsight Ben realised it was probably just as well. First of all he'd been frantic with worry but gradually his anger had come out and, as it was misplaced, he'd been very glad his lover hadn't witnessed it.

Paul Mayerling had been arrested and charged with rape. Nelson had told Ben he didn't think the man would get more than three or four years at the most, about the same as he'd got for attacking Simon. Two lives, one terminated, one ruined and the man would only be incarcerated for seven or eight years in total. Nelson wasn't sure if he could charge Mayerling with stalking or not. There was still no proof he'd attacked Ben, although both Gray and Nelson were sure it had been him. They had DNA from Gray's body to charge him with rape, and although Gray hadn't wanted to press charges Nelson had told him with the evidence they had it would be a guaranteed guilty verdict and so he'd agreed.

Gray's hospital room had been bright and airy, the view of London out of the windows spectacular and Ben concentrated on that for a moment or two as he composed himself. Gray had finally agreed to see him and it was all he could do to stop himself from just holding him tight and never letting go.

"Thank you." Gray's voice was soft and hesitant.

"For what?" Ben looked away from the window. He loved Gray so much, but it didn't seem to matter at the moment, they were almost like strangers.

"For saving my life."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time. Are you angry with me because you didn't succeed?"

"No, not now. I was, but what's the point? I'm still here, nothing I did that day turned out right."

"Gray, please." Ben moved across and sat by the bed. He reached out his hand but Gray didn't reciprocate and so he let it fall onto the sheets. 

"He raped me, Ben, he tried to kill you. I could never go with him to protect you, I wasn't strong enough, but if I was gone, permanently, well, then he'd have no reason to go after you again. I failed, so you have to leave. Walk away and never come back, that way you'll be safe. I can use my money to hide if I want to, I'll have four years to work something out."

Gray's voice was toneless, all the emotion was gone and Ben's heart cried out for him. He wanted to grab him, shake him, try to make him see sense, but he knew he couldn't. 

"I'm not going anywhere. Well, not anywhere you can't find me. Maybe one day you'll decide you want us to be together, when you do I'll be waiting. Until then I'll visit with you, be your friend, but I love you, I'll always love you, I just wish you could love yourself enough to believe me." Ben leant over and kissed Gray on the forehead, and then he got to his feet, turned and walked out of the room. He had no idea if he would ever be allowed back, but he hadn't lied, he would always be around.

Six months of therapy at one of the best residential homes in the country had left Grayling feeling he could at least begin to face the world once again. He'd known all along that he hadn't been to blame for the rape but the guilt he felt over the attacks on Ben and Simon had haunted him. 

Marcia Mulholland had visited him once a month to keep herself updated on his condition; he would see her weekly for as long as he wanted to once he was back in London. 

A trip to New York had persuaded his sister that she didn't need to worry too much about him. They'd skated in Central Park, shopped in Saks, taken the Staten Island ferry and seen the Statue of Liberty from the water. The restaurants they'd eaten in ranged from burger bars to five star establishments and Gray had enjoyed every moment of it. No one had known who he was and there had been no need to be constantly looking over his shoulder.

Finally he'd come back to London ready to take a firm hold of his life once again. Gray was no fool; he knew he still had a long way to go before he could lock his demons away permanently, or even temporarily. He was able to deal with them on a day-to-day basis though, and there had been plenty of times when he'd doubted his ability to do even that.

Ben had kept himself busy while Gray tried to get his world back into focus. As promised he had been a visible force in Gray's life, but had only ever travelled at the younger man's speed, and done what he was asked and nothing more. He had found himself a therapist and talked over his own feelings and fears as well as trying to understand what Gray was going through and how he was likely to react. 

He hadn't looked at another man in the time they hadn't been an official couple. His love was as strong as it had been the day of the attack. He didn't expect it to ever change.

Ben's mobile had rung twice before he heard the voice he loved so much.

"Gray?"

"That's me. How you doing, Ben?" 

It had only been a couple of days since they'd last seen each other, but their regular coffee dates had been on the neutral ground of the local café and had always been on Gray's terms. He had felt things were getting better and better between them though. The laughter had begun to return to his life even though sometimes it was still very hard going. Gray had even brushed his lips with his own when they parted outside the coffee house earlier that week. This though was the first time Gray had called Ben without make prior plans to do so.

"Can we talk?"

"Yes, oh, God, yes, Gray, please." Ben didn't care if he was begging; he'd get on his knees if necessary. Gray was his soul mate and he'd do anything if it meant they could be together again.

"I got a hamper, want to come and have a picnic?"

"It's eight in the evening. Where do you want to have this picnic?"

"Come and pick me up, I'll show you."

Gray had moved from his old apartment, but not very far. The group who had built Barton Towers had other properties in the city and Gray had found a very nice penthouse with stunning views, doormen, security services and gates that were locked every evening. He felt safe there, no one knew him, or what had happened, all they did know was he could afford their services and for that reason alone they would provide them.

Ben's photo was flashed up onto the computer screen as he gave his name to the smartly uniformed security guard at the reception desk in the main lobby of Gray's new home. He was scanned with a metal detector before he was allowed to enter and realized the influential politician who had recently bought a property two floors below Gray must now be in residence.

The lift took him silently and swiftly to the top floor where he knew Gray would be waiting for him. His presence already announced via the video intercom facility that each apartment had. 

His heart almost stopped beating when he stepped out into the thickly carpeted penthouse lobby and realised that Gray wasn't waiting for him. He didn't have a key and so he anxiously moved towards the door raising his hand to knock as he did so.

The door, however, was already open, the door was never open, and all the terrible memories of the previous winter flooded back to him and he rushed inside.

"Gray!" Ben called out his lover's name, afraid Gray had fooled everyone, afraid he'd decided to finish what he started and have him find the body again. "Gray, where are you?"

"In here!"

"Oh, thank God." Ben rested his head against the doorframe of Gray's bedroom, his eyes closed as he regulated his breathing. The voice he'd heard was throaty and excited and as Ben finally looked at him he knew why. "Gray?"

"You said you didn't cut and run, please, Ben, come back to me." Gray was sitting on the bed on a red and white gingham picnic cloth. There was a wicker basket beside him with champagne and strawberries in it. Gray had a pair of faded blue jeans on and a white shirt. His feet were bare and his hair was slightly mussed. To Ben he was the best thing he'd seen in a long time.

"I've waited so long for you to ask me." His voice choked as he spoke and Ben covered his confusion by making himself comfortable on the bed. He smiled as Gray handed him a flute of champagne and tilted it towards its pair as they toasted each other.

"To us. I've missed you, but I had to do things at my own speed."

"I know, and I told you I would wait. How could I not? I love you, Gray." Ben drank some of the bubbly, slightly sweet, liquid but his eyes never left the face of his companion. He opened his mouth as a strawberry was pressed against his lips and then laughed as the juice spilt down onto his top and Gray shook his head.

"That will have to come off you know."

Ben growled in response, almost ripping the t-shirt from his body before shoving the tablecloth off the bed and claiming Gray by pulling him into a hug.

"Love me, Ben, make love to me."

"Are you sure, baby?" 

Gray nodded his head, he had no idea if he could do this but he wanted to try.

"Kiss me." 

Ben needed no further encouragement; he ran his hand into the soft long hair, luxuriating in its feel. He had missed it so. Their lips claimed each other, tongues clashing for a moment before Ben began to suck on Gray, taking him into his own mouth, as he purged his mind of all the lonely days and nights since he'd last kissed his mate that way.

"If I'm not wearing a shirt then you're not either." Ben didn't even try to take the top off sensibly. He grabbed the neck and tore it down the front, sending buttons flying, it took a couple of attempts but soon Gray was lying bare chested, his eyes dark with passion as Ben sucked a waiting nipple into his mouth, nipping and licking it while his hand played and pinched the other one.

"Ohhhh, God, Ben, I've missed you so much."

"Shhh, baby, all the things you want to say we can talk about later. For now just let me love you, make you mine again." Ben stood for a moment and undid his jeans. He removed all his remaining clothes in one movement and when he looked up Gray was lying naked before him, his cock standing to attention as it waited for him to touch it.

"So beautiful, Gray, so beautiful." Ben straddled his lover and began to gently touch him. He wanted Gray to be glad he'd instigated things and knew that rushing him wouldn't work. His fingers massaged the hairy chest, running over ribs and hips before he leant over and began to leave small kisses in their wake. Each nipple was sucked for a moment before Ben moved on. He sucked hard enough to leave red marks in a few places before stopping altogether and beginning again at Gray's feet. He sucked each toe in turn, looking up to see Gray squirming on the bed and hearing him moan.