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Shouldn't

By: Acerbicscribbler



The bare bones version. I apologize to no one. I am the decider.

"This is harassment," I said. 

He grinned. "Please report me, then."

"It's not funny; it's the kind of behavior that can get you in real trouble."

He leaned in closely, too close, and mock whispered, "Yes, I'm very dangerous."

My fingers curled around my notebooks. "Mr. Griffith, I expect you to behave in a manner—"

"Oh, please say, 'befitting your station.' My mom watches Downton Abbey religiously."

"You are a student!" I left out the fuckings and goddams I'd have liked to include for emphasis.

"You're uptight."

"You don't know me," I snapped. "You don't know a thing about me."

"I know how you look at me."

"What are you talking about?"

He didn't answer immediately, fiddling with his pencil and gazing out the window. Though quieter now, the school was still alive. The repetitive thwacks and shouts from all the teams practicing on the fields float through the spring air. The intercom sounded: the French club's last meeting before the end of the school year wouldl meet the cafeteria. Janitorial staff rolled carts down the hall.

"Why did you call me here?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Here, alone, now." He glanced back at me. "It doesn't feel very discouraging."

Frustrated, I stood. Perhaps more distance between our bodies would help me make my point. "Look, Cody," I began in a calmer tone, "I know that being a senior is exciting. You're not the first student to think that with graduation comes invincibility."

Shouldn't Have Stood Her Up



I didn't realise how badly I had fucked up until two weeks later. I mean, I knew I had upset my wife when my work do ran late and I completely forgot about our dinner but I didn't realise just how pissed off she was at the time. 

More than anything else, this was the second time it had happened -- I didn't mean to but that didn't help me later.

She'd waited at the restaurant for two hours before my drunken phone call, all apologetic and pathetic and at the time she'd been angry but had told me that it wasn't a big deal, these things happen. 

I knew there would be some sort of repercussion, she is very dominant in the bedroom and when I'm with her I'm very submissive -- but I thought it would be a month without orgasms, or fucking her with the big but-plug up my ass or something.

In a way, I was right about the orgasms.

Let me describe both us and the nature of our sexual relationship to give you a better picture. My name is Jake - I'm 32, 6'3" (and a bit) and I'm reliably informed that I'm a very attractive guy. I'm fit, muscular and spend a lot of time in the gym making myself attractive for my wife, Sarah.

She is a schoolteacher -- she's a slim, petit 5'4" with long brunette hair, small boobs and has a gorgeous face and figure. She's five years younger than me and we've been married for a little over two years. One of the main reasons we are so happy with each other is that we are so compatible in the bedroom and we both make a lot of effort to keep ourselves sexy for each other.

As soon as we started seeing each other I knew she was the woman for me, she has a cruel streak a mile wide when it comes to sex and loves to be in total control in the bedroom, in fact she always gets her hardest orgasms when she is being cruel or mean.  

I am quite the opposite and love giving myself over completely to her, even if what happens is painful (which it frequently is) or humiliating (ditto).

Having said that, both of us want to keep our sex lives fresh, so we decided early on that a 24/7 or 'every time we have sex' sort of arrangement would get old very quickly. So our compromise is that even during vanilla sex she has complete control over when and how I orgasm and that once a month (or more if she's in the mood) we have at least a weekend of 24/7 where I have to do/dress/say/act/endure however or whatever she wishes.

This has worked out very well, we talk and fantasise a lot during normal sex and the restricted amount of 'fun stuff' means it's always special. Sarah generally chooses a few days prior to her period as the time she wants a slave -- it means she doesn't feel guilty about being hormonal or just in a bad mood - and it's the time of the month she is at her horniest and most malicious.

After I had inadvertently stood her up I wasn't allowed an orgasm, she didn't come right out and say it but whenever we fucked I would ask (or indeed as time went on, beg) her permission and she would just smile and say 'not tonight honey.'

I had expected this so I did my best not to let my mounting frustration distract me from my day to day, though this became increasingly difficult as time went on. She seemed to want sex more and more as we approached our next slave weekend, wearing skimpy clothing at all times and having orgasm after orgasm on my face or cock without letting me cum, regardless of how much I begged.

The evil woman even spent a lot of time describing to me just how good it had felt after we finished, her all sweaty and spent -- whispering in my ear -- and me lying there rigid with tension, my throbbing erection yearning to explode. I must have gotten about 3 hours sleep a night that second week!

The Friday came and as I prepared myself in the shower, she likes my groin shaved (trust me, I'm not small down there, in fact I am quietly proud of the old boy but shaving makes it look both a lot better and bigger) and for me to be 100% scrubbed clean for her. I mentally prepared myself for what I was sure would be an ordeal over the following couple of days, it didn't help though.

Sarah got home from work to find me in my customary position -- on my knees on the bed with my face in the pillow, my hands cuffed behind my back -- and promptly uncuffed me and told me to prepare food and then get ready to go out clubbing. 

This was a departure from what normally happens, generally she would jump on my face until she had cum a few times, relieving the stress of a hard day's work. I think that then is when I realised then that something was up.

I made her food and massaged her feet while she ate before she scraped her leftovers into a little bowl for me to eat off the floor. She loves to do this; it always gives her a thrill to humiliate me like that. 

She stood up and walked upstairs to the bedroom before calling out;

'Once you've eaten, dress up smart -- I want you looking good. We're going to The Brickhouse tonight.'

The Brickhouse is an alternative club in London that I knew she used to frequent before we met, it seemed odd but then I wasn't in a position to argue with her. I finished my scraps, washed up and went to the bedroom to get dressed. Sarah was drying her hair, I could see she had already put on a short tartan skirt and was wearing a tight, cropped tank top. 

I waited for about ten mins while she finished up and when she walked down the stairs my cock immediately became hard. Her makeup was heavy and whorish with dark red lipstick, heavy mascara and her hair in cute bunches. 

The short skirt barely came to mid thigh and she was wearing her 5" fetish ankle boots with white knee high socks. The cropped tank-top strained over her pert and obviously bra-less boobs - and wonderfully perky things they are too -- while revealing her toned and flat stomach.

She stood at the bottom of the stairs looking at me for a few seconds before doing a little twirl.

'So,' she asked with a grin, 'Whadda you think?'

'You look amazing Mistress!' I stammered. I could already feel pre-cum oozing out of my erection just from looking at her.

'Do you want to fuck me?' She asked.

'Yes Mistress,' I replied, 'I would like nothing more.'

She grinned at me again, 'well come upstairs honey, I'm feeling horny!'

Like a puppy I followed her luscious ass as she walked up the stairs, from the angle behind and below her I could see the tiny red thong that covered her neat, shaved little pussy, the string disappearing in-between her creamy cheeks.

She stopped by the bed as we got into the bedroom and looked me up and down.

'Strip' she commanded. 

I hurriedly pulled off my boots and jeans, almost tearing off my shirt in my haste. I wasn't wearing underwear of course, and very quickly I was standing naked in front of her, save for my cock ring - my large hard-on jutting straight up in the air.

'Lie on the bed and spread-eagle yourself baby.' She said quietly, running her hand up her inner thigh.

I jumped on the bed and put my arms and legs out as far as they could reach; she then opened the top drawer of the bureau and pulled out the ankle cuffs, some chain, a couple of padlocks and the hand-cuffs I had been wearing earlier. She put the cuffs on my ankles and used the long chain to pull my legs wide apart before locking them in place with two padlocks. She then cuffed my left wrist to the headboard, pulling me uncomfortably taught.

'Move your right arm until your hand is about a foot from your face,' she said. 

I immediately did what she asked, though it was a little unusual. With my hand held there she took a shorter chain and locked my wrist to the headboard on the right hand side, leaving me with some limited movement in that arm. I couldn't scratch my nose or anything but it wasn't anywhere as near as tight as the other side of my body.

She then reached into her handbag and brought out an old mobile phone and some electrical tape. She put the phone into my hand, ordered me to grip it without using my thumb and then taped the whole thing into my fist leaving the screen and function buttons uncovered. She looked at my confused face and smiled.

'This,' she said pointing at the phone, 'is a phone without any credit. Mainly so I can send you texts through the night without you being able to reply. Also, should anything happen It'll still call '999' if there is an emergency.'

'W..What do you mean?' I asked.

She ran her hand down my helpless body before starting to slowly masturbate me. 

'Well you see it's like this honey, you stood me up in favour of those cunt work friends of yours for the fucking second time and that really, really hurt my feelings.So I am going to really, really hurt your feelings tonight.'

She laughed as she saw my expression, part confusion, part begging her as she increased her hand speed slightly.

'You are going to lie here all alone, while I go out to the Brickhouse and see what happens. You never know, you might get lucky and no-one will fancy me.' 

Fat chance of that I thought as she stood up and run her hands over her body in front of me. 

'You are going out on the pull?' I asked loudly, desperately trying to ignore the aching need in my cock. 'Please baby, don't do this! I promise you it'll never happen again!'

'Too late honey,' she replied with an evil smile. 'You really shouldn't have left me all alone in that restaurant should you now? I mean it's obvious from how you acted that you want me out by myself. I'm going to go now, oh one more thing,' she reached under her skirt and slipped off her tiny panties before dropping them on my chest. 'I don't want to lose these later on now, do I?'

With that she laughed and walked out, turning the light off and closing the door as she went.

BEEP BEEP Text message received 8.04pm Hi Hun, I'm at the club, is very hot in here -- glad I don't have underwear on, I'd have roasted! Not many people yet but it'll fill up. Text you soon Bitch. LOL.

I'd been lying there in the dark for what seemed like ages when the phone brought me out of my reverie. I had been thinking that it was a cruel joke - that she was going to come back any time now with a 'never do that again' lesson on her lips but no. She was actually in a club, on her own and looking for a man. Was she going to fuck someone? Was she going to actually let someone else have her while I was chained up to our marriage bed?

I kept on reading through the message, my mind awhirl. I thought I should feel betrayed and in a way I did but the woman had kept me on edge of cumming for so long I couldn't help but be aroused at the prospect.

BEEP BEEP Text message received 9.31pm Well these guys seem nice, bought me a couple of drinks. Not very good looking though and definitely married! I'm going to dance for a bit I think. Nice and busy here now, lots of men staring.

Oh Christ, I thought as jealousy welled up in my chest. My gorgeous wife is dressed like a slut, in a club and being chatted up by men. What the hell? 

My cock, which had gone soft during the hour or so from the last message, traitorously reared up again - dripping fresh pre-cum onto the drying puddle by my navel. I couldn't believe the thought of her cheating on me turned me on so much! I lay there, confused, horny and a little scared as I waited for the next message. It wasn't long in coming, in fact there were two.

BEEP BEEP Picture message received 9.55pm

I opened it up to see a picture of a good looking blond guy - probably in his late 20s - smiling at the camera with a blurry dance floor in the background. My mind went blank; I didn't know what to think. Is this the guy who is going to be fucking my wife? Putting his hands on her and his cock inside her? Was she really going to go through with her threat?

BEEP BEEP Text Message received 10.03pm Hey baby, did you get the picky? That's Dave, he seems really nice. I told him my husband has stood me up, he said you are a prick for doing that to a sexy lady like me. LOL I think he wants to fuck me, Whadda you think?

I think it was right then that I decided that I would do anything she asked of me in the future. I had always said to myself that if she cheated on me I would leave but she had managed to tie in this betrayal with our sex life. 

She was right - this was really, really hurting me but at the same time the aching erection I had been sporting for hours couldn't be denied -- this was turning me on, a lot. Somehow, my brain had turned this betrayal into another punishment by my Mistress, a different woman to my beautiful wife who I plan to spend the rest of my life with.

BEEP BEEP Text message received 11.23pm Hey honey, you still there? I think Dave is trying to get me drunk -- doesn't need to, he's well hot. Feels weird snogging a man who isn't you, liked it though.He groped my ass on the dance floor, wonder if he knows I'm not wearing panties? 

BEEP BEEP Text message received 11.31pm OMG he totally wants to fuck my ass! LOL I asked him what he would do if I let him do anything he wants to me. His cock feels HUGE. Can't wait to get it in my mouth. Yummy. Hope you are feeling sorry now for what you did. Text soon, don't go anywhere LOL. 

I desperately wish I could touch my cock; I would have cum on the spot if I could have. I tried shaking back and forth to stimulate my glans but it only frustrated me further. I felt like such a looser, chained up and desperate to cum while my hot wife is with a stranger she is planning to fuck. 

Can't wait to get it in my mouth. Yummy. 

Those words kept repeating themselves in my head, the mental image of Sarah with another man's dick in her small mouth, looking up at him with her big green eyes as he fucks her face. It was driving me insane, I realised I kinda wanted to watch it happen! 

BEEP BEEP Text message received 12.25am I think we can safely say he knows about the panties, he's been fingering me for half an hour! I came twice in the middle of a club LOLS. We're going to his now, I'm too wet and horny to wait any longer. I've promised him my ass as long as he's rough with me. That ok with you hunny?

No it bloody well wasn't alright with me, though at the same time it was. I didn't know what to think, I was so conflicted! I cycled back to the picture, looking at the man who has had his fingers up my wife's pussy, rubbed her clit, in public! Now she was going to let him put his cock up her ass? Treat her roughly? 

I know she likes to be treated rough during normal sex; it's something I have always enjoyed. She looks delicate but she can take a lot when she's horny. Now this guy is going to be doing that to her, mauling her perky tits? Biting her? Would he be gentle at all?

So many images and thoughts going through my mind as with just a phone she had turned me into a drooling wreck, a pathetic, mewling slave chained up while she does what she wants. I vowed to never disappoint her as I couldn't go through this again!

BEEP BEEP Picture Message received 01.32am

My heart sank as I saw what opened up; even though it was the horniest thing I had seen in my life. It was a pic of my wife looking into a big mirror, holding up her phone to take the pic in one hand and a bottle of KY lube in the other. She was naked, smiling with her hair in a mess. Behind her I could see a big iron-wrought bed in a large, strange room. I could see her clothes in a pile on the floor; she still had her heels on. 

BEEP BEEP Text message received 01.33am Hey Hun, I totally came on his cock loads - we couldn't wait to get into the bedroom! I sucked him in the Taxi on the way LOL it is HUGE. How does it feel to know a stranger has fucked and cum in me on the floor in his hallway? Gotta go, I'm gonna suck his cock again, get him nice and hard for my ass -- sound good to you? 

Yes, yes it did - God help me.

She had done it - she had actually fucked someone else to punish me. She was about to give him her ass to punish me. She had sucked his cock and enjoyed it to punish me. You know what, I felt like I deserved every minute of it.

Subspace is a wonderful place, isn't it?

BEEP BEEP Picture message received 02.50am

Dreading what I would see I opened up the image, it was a picture which must have been taken from Sarah's chin as she lay on that big bed, looking down the length of her naked body. I could see a hard nipple pointing up at the bottom of the pic, the flat expanse of her belly and a glimpse of her shaven mound. Her legs were spread wide and framed between her knees was Dave - kneeling, naked and holding his cock in his hand. He looked hungry, strong and muscular as he stared with a smile at my wife's pussy. 

Underneath the pic there was some text: 'He gets to do whatever he wants to me.'

I nearly came looking at that pic, without touching myself in any way and in spite of the ache in my joints form being chained for so long. I stared at it for a long time, imagining what happened next and what had happened before.

Picturing that fat, menacing cock grinding into my petit wife as I lay here impotently, wishing desperately for I don't know what.

BEEP BEEP Text message received 03.28pm Hey babe, I'm on my way home now. What a man - all my holes are sore after his fat cock! I feel like such a slut, there is cum all in my hair!See you soon Hun. XX

Not long later I heard the door open downstairs and soon a dishevelled Sarah walked into the bedroom and turned on the light. 

She was holding a glass of water and just looked at me with a smile on her face for a moment before sitting down next to me and putting the glass to my lips. After I had slaked the raging thirst that had built up over the hours she stood up and still without saying a word, she undid her shoes, slipped her tank top over her head and dropped her skirt in a puddle on the floor. 

Now that she was naked I could see that her nipples were flushed and bruised, I could see the red imprints of hand marks on her creamy breasts and hips where she had been grabbed, slapped and pulled. Her pussy lips looked red and puffy, the way they look after I had fucked her really hard and multiple times.

She lay down on the bed next to me, snuggling up close for a moment before lifting herself up on her elbow next to me.

'So are you sorry for standing me up you little bitch?' She said quietly.

'Yes Mistress,' I croaked having not used my voice for ages. 

'Good,' she smiled. She looked at my aching dick as it twitched on my belly. 'I suppose you expect some sort of release for that thing eh?'

'Please Mistress,' I begged, 'I have learned my lesson!'

She chuckled and leant in close, her hand snaking down to lightly grip the shaft of my cock. She gently started to stroke up and down, barely touching my skin, it was like torture.

'I went out tonight and deliberately got fucked by another man, I asked him to finger me in public and I sucked his cock in the back of a taxi. He screwed me on the floor, in his bed and he held my head down and pushed his fat cock up my ass before fucking it slack. Then when he had finished with my ass he made me suck his cock clean and came on my face and you know what bitch? I loved every second of it.' 

She laughed out loud when she saw my expression.'I did all this and you're not even angry with me are you? All you want from me is to let you cum? Is that right baby?'

I hated myself but there really was only one answer I could give this amazing woman.

'Yes Mistress.' I whispered.

She continued lightly stroking my cock, leaning over me to bite hard at my nipple.

'Well It's not gonna happen Hunny, sorry to say. You've got a lot more punishment to come this weekend before I even think about letting you cum.'

Her hand sped up slightly making me groan as her expression grew angry.

'Tomorrow you get to properly understand how pissed off with you I am. I am going to spend all day torturing your cock and balls, I'm gonna whip, clip, stretch and beat them all day long baby, it's gonna be horrible for you. I'm gonna push things down your pee hole and cover your sensitive helmet in hot wax and then I'm going to clean you off and do it again before I chain you up for the night.'




Shouldn't I Get to Cum?



Tonight after a nasty couple of days, I thought I'd be able to relax. I knew I was being invited over for dinner and I thought it would be different this time. When I arrived, Marguerite made me take off everything, even my chastity belt. 

"What's going on?" I asked. " I dressed for this party, and now you've undressed me." I kept wanting to touch my prick, as it was free and my hands were free…first time since New Year's Day…I wanted to cum…

Marguerite smiled and handed me an apron. Oh, no. Then high heels, and a repulsive, cheap curly red wig…and a weird Lone Ranger mask.

And then there was a knock at the door. I looked at Marguerite pleadingly. 

"Darling lambie…" Marguerite smiled. "I am short on help tonight. Jasmine is away, and I need someone to pass trays…you won't know the people, but they're all very nice, some are my friends from the Black Rose (an S/M group she's in) Except for you, the dress is formal… go answer the door."

The next hour or so was incredibly unpleasant, I kept answering the door, and serving drinks, and passing canapés…After the party got a little giddy, some girl snatched off my apron, and the women began making me dance naked, while playing "Lola" from the Kinks…and Marguerite's bulldog, Clematis, kept coming up and sniffing my ass.

"He's going to take you from behind, lambie" Marguerite called heartily. Finally, she took me aside "Darling, I want to let you cum, but you must whack off in front of these people…kneel over there, please."

So I was kneeling in front of all the people at the party, naked except for high heels, the Lone Ranger mask and that ridiculous wig … I was horrified by this, but I'd not cum, as you all know, since January first.

But here I was, finally ready to humiliate myself, and begin wanking my wee-wee… and Marguerite wasn't quite ready to let me, and made me place my hands on my thighs as I knelt there, naked as a jaybird. 

"All right, lambie.." Goddess said. "You can start touching yourself for us…slowly" Mortified but incredibly horny, I began pumping my erection. 

"SLOWLY" Goddess reminded me. I relaxed my grip on the shaft and began rubbing it up and down in a slower motion.

"That's right, honey. Do you like I do…light strokes…you know how I rub it?" "Marguerite…you touch that disgusting thing?" 

One of the women, an attractive thirty-five year old in a tight mock turtleneck shook her head. 

"God he's such a disgusting little monster, like a gremlin you stole from a novelty shop." Marguerite laughed, and a guy who heads an association I've done work with said 

"Jesus, who would be psycho enough to take off all his clothes and kneel in front of a group of strangers? Is he a schizo? I mean, S&M is one thing but…" They all laughed, the men the loudest. My cheeks burned with shame, as I tried not to rub my dick too fast. 

After all those stimulating Penthouse Variations articles about being naked in front of a group of beautiful Amazons, it was much, much worse to be naked in the presence of mixed company…it's worse being naked in front of clothed men who are in front of clothed women…why is that?

As everyone else was dressed even somewhat formally, having come from work on Capitol Hill, I felt especially ridiculous.

I'd seen one or two of those people around in my work on the Hill, and shuddered to think what would happen if the mask fell off, and they realized that one of Washington's preeminent lobbyists had been serving them canapés and martinis all night. 

Worse, I'd been walking around with this humiliating erection…the belt was off, and thanks to nearly five months of chastity and many tease/denial sessions with Goddess Marguerite, my penis was bursting with bottled up semen and bobbing about.

My ball sac was huge now with the pent-up stores of unfulfilled sperm cells. Marguerite had put a leather cock ring around the base "so you could enjoy your masturbation more, honey" but it just made my phallus more engorged.

"That's right, honey. Rub it slowly…now with your left hand." I looked at Marguerite. I was afraid to speak, as someone there might recognize my voice from C-Span, but my left HAND? 

It was so weak. But I began rubbing it with my left hand, very clumsily bouncing the fingers up and down my shaft. Still it was throbbing…any stimulation would do.

"You can rub it a little faster since your southpaw isn't so effective." Marguerite said, and I began rubbing faster, grunting and bouncing around…I closed my eyes and moaned…my cock was pulsing against my palm.

" God, he's so creepy." A young stenographer-type with big hair had spoken. Doesn't he ever get laid?" I ignored it and began to shake, my orgasm was approaching. I clenched my teeth. Here it came…

"Lambie stop." I opened my eyes. Marguerite looked at me threateningly. "Hand off the pee-pee, please." I couldn't remove my hand from my dick, it had been so long.

"Ken, could you hand me that fly swatter?" One of the guys laughed and gave the swatter to Marguerite, but I'd gotten the message, and my hands were back on my knees. A tear rolled down my mask.

"I just want you to take a break now, dear, and refresh drinks, and pass the canapés around again."Marguerite smiled.

"You want to be a good host, don't you?" I stood up, almost weeping, and did my rounds with the tray again, it was so awful, because none of the guests really wanted more hors d'ouevres, though some did take another drink…but at least they noticed me…earlier when I'd been walking around with the tray, they'd ignored me.

I mean, I'd been tottering around all night with my tray, and though it'd been a novelty watching me, earlier in the evening the guests had relaxed and had begun just talking with each other about work.

I'd hear references to bills being passed that I was influential on, but when I went by with the tray, the women would step out of the way, looking sort of revolted and amused. 

It must have been a sight, this naked, masked transvestite with the bobbing, dripping, nearly purple organ. It's not a particularly big dick, but it looked grotesque all the same… like the poor guy on the Whizzer Black cartoons. 

And now during the second round of drinks and food, they just stared, and a couple snorted with contempt.

"Jesus, what's that cottage cheese on his ass?" one of the guys asked. "It's cellulite, didn't you know men get that too?" the stenographer snorted. I bit my lip, and kept moving.

All my accomplishments up until now meant nothing—I was just a naked pervert at a Washington cocktail party.

I felt a flick on the now bloated tip of my penis, and the stenographer girl kind of looked away with a smile…I think she'd done it as I was passing.

This did not assist in lessening the pressure around my groin. I went back and put the tray down—no one wanted anything else.

"Come here, darling." Marguerite crooked a long nail. "Excuse us." She said to the others, and took me into the kitchen. Clovis, Marguerite's husband was dropping cut onions in a pan to make pasta for the guests. 

Her husband, just a kitchen-boy at his own party. Marguerite ignored him. 

"Hands behind your back, please." As I obeyed, she reached out and began stroking me…"Poor thing….God, it's a horny cock…" 

I looked over at Clovis, who was gritting his teeth. He poured olive oil in the pan, and went to work with the garlic press, muttering. Clovis told me once that though he'd gotten over being jealous of her lovers, Marguerite's attentions to other slaves made him livid. 

As humiliated as I was, at least I was involved at the party—he was stuck here in the kitchen.

"Clovis dear?" Marguerite looked at her resentful husband. 

"Yes, Goddess?" Clovis looked at Marguerite with love in his eyes. Though it was she who was cheating on him with me slave-wise, he held none of it against her. Marguerite was his world.

"Could you give me the olive oil, please?" Clovis realized her intent, and pouted, but he handed her the bottle.

Marguerite smiled thanks and shook some into her hand, and began rubbing it up and down my shaft." God, it's like a stick-shift." 

Marguerite leaned over and blew in my ear. She whispered loud enough for Clovis to hear "It's a lot bigger than Clovis' too…though way too small to do a girl like me any good."

Her soft fingers began rubbing olive oil into the sensitive spot just under the head of my penis. 

"Don't come, now, baby." Marguerite looked seriously at me, as she continued to rub. At this point I could've used my orgasm to put out a forest fire. 

My thighs began to tremble and shake. I almost took my hands out from behind my back, but I remembered that holding them together was "honor handcuffs"

Marguerite kept rubbing around my frenum, and my cock alternated between numbness and extreme sensitivity.

" Don't cum yet…if you cum now, I'll make Clovis whip your weiner with a belt." I looked over at her frustrated, jealous husband and he was smiling gleefully. He'd love getting back at me for all the attentions I'd received from his wife in the last few months. 

All the friendship he and I had, all the confidences, the fishing trips we'd been on and the ball games we'd gone to when Goddess allowed it, all that bonding meant nothing in the battle for Marguerite's attentions. 

She saw what I was thinking, and as she stroked my cock harder, toying with one of the more purplish veins she said 

"Clovis can hit quite hard darling, he's wielded the belt on a few of my slaves..but if you wait til I let you cum in front of the guests, there will be no punishments, and I'll even let you jerk off a second time."

A second time. Not since I was fifteen had I valued jerking off so much…but this incredible handjob she was giving me was causing me to want to cum NOW. 

Marguerite wasn't slowing her hand down, either, if anything, she was even worse, now tickling my shaft and tugging the cock ring to get me harder…it was up to me. I had to re-gain mental control over my cock. 

I closed my eyes and thought about Niagra Falls, about the time my friends and I had taken a weekend there, and gone under the falls in raincoats with a guide, and how cold it was…oooh was it cold. 

My dick wilted a little, but those soft fingers…they were driving me CRAZY. Cold snowball fights…

I thought of cleaning the garage… I thought of my ex-mother…pee-pee wilted more… I remembered my prostate milking by Richard "Boy" W___, Marguerite's hairdresser, and all sexual interest died. I was flaccid for the first time in days.

"Congratulations." Marguerite smiled, though her eyes looked a little disappointed. I think she is not used to having a limp dick in her hand…

"You are now in some control of your dick…perhaps at some point I can just have a psychological cage on you. " She smiled and patted my balls very slightly. 

She knew that though my dick was flaccid, the testicles were even more full. I dropped to my knees. "Please, Goddess…my nuts!" She laughed.

"Well, I guess it's time for your ejaculation in front of the guests, eh?" Oh please, I thought…I wanted to climax so badly… She turned to Clovis, who looked disappointed. 

"What's wrong, you bully…wanted to beat his dick, did you?" Alarmed Clovis almost dropped the oregano. 

"No, no Mistress…" Marguerite lauged. "Maybe I'll let lambie beat your dick instead." I was thrilled and Clovis was distraught…

She'd started this little rivalry up between us…but wasn't finished. 

"Maybe I'll even let him FUCK me tonight…You've not got that since you bought me my 2000 Camaro." Clovis dropped the pasta in boiling water and burst into tears.

We went back out into the living room, the guests were discussing me, I could hear bits of 

"…He needs Depo-Provera…Marguerite keeps him like a pet…did you see his dick, it's like, vermillion colored…I think I might recognize him from the Hill…too tall to be George W. though—Maybe Rumsfeld?" 

Marguerite led me into the living room, and all conversation died and they looked at me. The stenographer type was smirking. I felt my dick rising again. "I hope you're all enjoying yourselves. 

It is now shorn lamb's time…" Marguerite smiled especially at one young man, the one who'd handed her the fly swatter. Were they sleeping together? She had many lovers, normal men who got all the orgasms they liked.

"It is now shorn lamb's time to release himself." Marguerite said.

"You're going to let him spooge in front of us?" A shaggy looking fellow, who I think is in the pro-marijuana lobby asked incredously. 

"Marguerite, that's so gross. Why don't you blow him? I mean, no offense, but I guess it's no secret at a party like this, man…you give a mean blowjob, honey." 

Several of the men nodded assent. I felt so depressed…she blows everyone else, but I'm not allowed to cum…

"Gary, I feel so honored by your compliments." Everyone laughed, and Marguerite went on. 

"Lambie is a slave-boy…they don't deserve blowjobs. I would rather blow Clematis over there—" she gestured at the sleeping bulldog—than put my mouth on that pencil between his legs." 

Wait, I thought she said I was big. "Lambie hasn't cum since New Year's Day, and I want him to get the opportunity finally.

I promised him in the kitchen that it's his big chance now, and he might get an additional treat after that." I was now harder than I'd been when she rubbed me with the slick olive oil. 

What kind of treat? I know she was just kidding when she said what she said to Clovis, or was she?

"All right darling…on your knees" I sank to the hard wood floor gratefully. "On your mark (giggle) get set …GO!" 

She'd not directed me to use my left hand, so I began pumping with my right. I closed my eyes again…Oh, it would be so good to cum…if I `d complained about the intense leaden weight of my balls in the past few weeks, I'd get "milked" again, so I'd been quiet about it, but it would be so good to get the semen out the FUN way.

And the olive oil that Marguerite had rubbed on my dick made it even more lubricated….oh, I felt the familiar surge , oh yes… 

All of a sudden I felt a wet, cold something-or-other nudging the tip of my erection. 

I opened my eyes, and it was that damned bulldog. "Oh…Clematis has smelled the olive oil." Marguerite announced to the now laughing guests. 

"I rubbed a little on lambie in the kitchen, and look at this! Hands behind your back, darling, let Clematis have a taste." 

For the next three minutes I had to kneel naked before some of Washington's elite, who were laughing hysterically while a drooling, wrinkled, ugly as SIN bulldog began slurping around, and of course I was still erect.

Clematis eventually finished his disgusting procedure on my cock and ambled back to his sleeping place, and I was allowed to masturbate some more…but then Clovis served dinner! 

And I had to stop AGAIN and wait in the corner. Marguerite gave me a peanut butter sandwich to chew on…and I counted the minutes until dinner was over, and the spectator show continued…I really needed to cum. 

"All right, baby." Marguerite called me. "Come out of the corner. Dinner didn't take too long did it—only an hour and a half….back there, on your knees…

Now I was out of my mind with lust…I just wanted to cum…Marguerite aroused me tremendously with her tight glittery dress, the stenographer had a leather miniskirt on and one of those frilly tops, and the other women were similarly attired. But I was aroused by a picture of a bowl of fruit on the wall…everything aroused me..and I needed to cum.

Marguerite must've noticed my plaintive look for she gave me permission to continue stroking, oh, did it feel good… the leather cock ring was intensely accentuating the rush I was getting, but I was worried that one of the veins in my dick might burst! 

I remembered when I had a sports car, a wife and several girl friends. I'd pick up salesgirls at Victoria's Secret while purchasing lingerie for one of the other women. 

Once, when I was single, a bar pickup asked me why I had make-up in my bathroom (it belonged to my fiancée) and I said it was my mother's and the young lady didn't believe me, so I threw her out of the apartment until she begged to come back in, apologizing for being so nosy…women called me the "Silent Predator. 

I was referred to by one woman as the type of man who only "dated" between one and three in the morning.

I've given all that up to masturbate naked on a rug in a wig and high heels in front of a group of laughing strangers.

Finally, I was approaching orgasm once again. My hand felt sprained from all the jerking, my cock was dying to burst, the leather ring cutting a vicious streak of pain into the testicles, but here it came, the train was shooting into the station.

I began to quiver….Oh, God, wouldn't this be wonderful, and then maybe a treat afterwards! Oooh! Splash! 

I was suddenly doused with the melted water in one of the ice buckets for the drinks. Marguerite had silently motioned one of the guests, that damned Ken, to do this. But why? I looked up at my Goddess miserably.

"You took too long, lambie…and the guests have to leave now." Indeed, they were putting their coats on to go. 

The pitying look of the big-haired stenographer was upon me as Ken helped her into her jean jacket. Marguerite helped me up, and I felt the click of a handcuff on my right wrist.

"Put your arms behind your head, baby." I obeyed, numbly, and Marguerite clicked the other cuff. I stood like this, the high heels at this point killing me (how do women wear them? I remember kyboshing a plan for the female staffers in my office to wear flats on Casual Friday…maybe I should've listened) Marguerite dismissed the last guest. 

She opened the kitchen door. "Clovis, darling?" Clovis came out, he'd been sweating over doing the dishes. He glowered at me.

"Sweetheart, remember how lambie was going to whip your ass…and screw me?" Clovis nodded, his jaw tightening. Now remember, I didn't say any of this, SHE did. I was an innocent..though I'd hoped it would turn out that way. 

Couldn't Clovis detect Marguerite's treachery? I mean, the man is a partner in a law firm…where's his logic? I remembered once a woman telling me that a man's big head was between his legs.

"Clovis, I promised Lambie that I was going to let him cum, but he took too long…"

Marguerite's voice tinkled. "Here is the key to your chastity tube, Clovis, unlock yourself, it's been a long time.." Clovis took it gratefully…actually kissing the key.

Marguerite continued " Why don't you take lambie downstairs, give his dick the whipping I was discussing in the kitchen, and you can cum in his mouth as many times as you want before tomorrow morning…When was the last time you came, dear? November?" 

"But Goddess" I whined, "I've done nothing wrong, I only obeyed you—" Marguerite smiled again "I know…" 

"But please don't put me through this…you said I could cum! You said…" 

Marguerite looked directly at Clovis, who put his arm on my shoulder and began guiding me towards the basement. I tried to struggle, but I couldn't move my arms from behind my head.

"He's hysterical, darling..you know what to do. Don't let him cum for anything. His hands are trapped behind his head, you'll have a clear shot at his wee-wee..make him dance…I think I have a nice scourge down there, you can try that, as well and make him suck you over and over again…And you can put gerbils in his ass, darling..or even my speculum." 

Speculum? What's a speculum?

Did I deserve this? The time in the basement with Clovis and the belt, and then his dick, AND THE SPECULUM, what a horrible skull- fucking he gave me, was unendurable, he came four times. My jaw will be numb for weeks…And I still haven't cum..She promised. Don't you all think that Marguerite treated me unfairly. Shouldn't I get to cum?



Should've Been



Hi folks, I know a lot of you don't like this kind of story, but I haven't done one in a while, so it felt right. Thanks for all of the e-mails about last week's story and you will be seeing those nuns again and soon. I'd also like to extend a welcome to my new editor Andy. He did a great job at short notice on this one. As a warning those who like their Bitches burned should probably leave this one alone. SS06

* * * * * *

The rumble of my Mustang's engine somehow failed to wake the sleeping child in his car seat strapped to the tiny seat behind me. I had placed his child safety seat on the passenger side so I could see him out of the corner of my eye.

How he slept through that symphonic cacophony of pistons was beyond me. I would probably wake from death to enjoy it. But perhaps for a two year old the ability to fall asleep during that symphony was simply more proof beyond DNA tests and everything else that he was definitely my son. 

Then I spot it. All of my senses come alive as, like the warriors of old, my reflexes prepare my body for battle. My ears separate the sound of an engine that isn't very different from mine, even as my eyes scan the traffic ahead.

I see it then, a heavily customized Camaro. I notice the nice red paint that is obviously a custom job. The body kit seems a bit garish to me, but then not everyone likes my custom grills and chin spoiler. 

The driver of the Camaro has seen me and slows. He revs his engine and my heart soars. His death will be epic. His shame and disappointment are at hand. I've already seen his demise in my mind's eye as I see vectors and holes in the ebb and flow of traffic.

He has no idea how the six hundred horses under my hood, will destroy his plastic insect-like little car. The smirk on my lips widens as my foot caresses my accelerator, but then...sanity takes over.

My mind remembers that my son is in the back. My heart's joy plummets and I actually slow to below the speed limit. I look at his black tinted windows and shake my head. He has no idea how lucky he is. 

As he moves ahead in traffic, he slows as well. I can sense his disappointment in being denied the battle that never was. I feel it too, but my son's safety is far more important. 

Ten minutes later, fresh from the battle that never was, I pulled into a driveway in a nice neighbor hood. The house isn't what it once was. The grass is a bit too long and needs to be edged as well. The hedge needs to be trimmed and there are a few paint chips on the wall of the house. 

All of those could be explained away, with the pressure of family life. Sometimes there just isn't enough time in a week to do absolutely everything. What can't be explained away is the lack of joy coming from the house. Many of the houses on the block exude happiness or love, or safety. This one doesn't.

I turn off the engine and before the car goes silent the front door opens. A woman rushes towards the car even as I open the door. The closer she gets the more beautiful she becomes. Thick golden hair falls in waves and curls well past her shoulders. Her breasts are barely contained by the thin t-shirt she wears. Her nipped waist is still, even after giving birth, so tiny that I can get my hands around it. I know this because I've done it so many times.

She smiles as she gets to the car. "How are my boys doing?" she asks.

Even as my face frowns, I'm struck by how beautiful she is.

"He's asleep," I said, trying to keep my voice as free of emotion as possible.

"Okay that's one down," she smiles. "How are you?"

Although every fiber of my being is dying to tell her, I let the question slide. I open the passenger door and pull out the entire car seat. My son doesn't even stir. 

"Well at least I can tell my mom that I saw you," she says. "When was the last time you saw her?" I just look at her as I carry my son, car seat and all towards the house.

"Jake, that was a really nice thing you did, yesterday," she says. "You work yourself to the bone all week. No one expected you to go and cut those trees down for her on Saturday and spend all day today taking junior to the zoo. You need some time to have some fun yourself too. Remember all work and no play..."

Again I didn't reply. "So Honey, I was thinking...I could get my mom to watch her grandson this weekend...She's dying to you know? And we could live out your greatest dream. We could fly to New Orleans for that Anne Rice Vampire Ball that you always wanted to go to. And you could dress me up any way you want."

"You don't really want to do that," I said quietly. "You'd hate it."

"Jake, you're right," she said. "But I'd do anything for you. You have to know that. And okay, Jake, maybe I have an ulterior motive, but JJ is two years old now and I'm twenty seven..."

"You're getting better at math," I said.

"Very funny Jake, but you know where I'm heading, right?" she said. "JJ needs a brother or sister and I want to have at least one more before I get too old to chase kids around and this could be a good..."

I kind of zoned out as she droned on about what she intended to do to me as soon as we got to the hotel. 

I could see the whole thing playing out in my mind. I could be the headless horseman for my costume and she could be the sexiest vampire EVER. Maybe we'd win the costume contest. She did say that I could dress her anyway I wanted. As I looked at her now I could see her nipples tenting the thin material of the t-shirt. 

Even then I could remember the way they got harder and stuck out farther and farther under my fingers. I remembered the way she cooed and molded herself to me. Her legs would spread almost of their own volition. And whenever I touched her she was always wet and ready for me. 

Sometimes I'm sure that the reason we went wrong was my fault. Perhaps I left her alone too much. Maybe I even loved her too much, or simply trusted her too much. But for seven years everything I did was for her. 

From the very first second I saw her, I fell for her...literally. She was working in a restaurant on the campus of the college I was attending. I took one look at her and stopped what I was doing. I wanted to get closer to her so I took a step towards her and fell over the chair that I had overlooked. I also fell right in front of her and she tripped over me and dropped an entire tray full of plates and food.

She was not a happy camper. Her first action on regaining her equilibrium was to call me every name that she could think of. In my embarrassment I just got up and left the restaurant. Angry, hurt and covered with food, I went back to the house I shared with three other students. I went right into my room and showered. As usual I buried my head in my books. A couple of hours later my best friend Eric burst into my room.

"Get your head out of your ass and come downstairs," he yelled excitedly.

"For what?" I grumbled. "I need to study." 

"You study too much," he laughed. "Why the hell are you always studying?"

"Duh, college, remember?" I said over the top of my book.

"See, that's why I bailed on college," she said. I had never heard her voice, but it was as beautiful as the rest of her. I looked up instantly.

"It's all of the studying," she said. "It just bored me to tears." I just sat there listening to her.

"So you accidentally tripped over a chair, huh?" she asked. "Obviously you're better at studying than walking..."

"All I saw was you," I said quietly. She walked towards me and smiled.

"You're so beautiful, that nothing else registered," I continued. "I didn't see chairs or walls or floors or other people. But whether I saw them or not, they were there so I tripped over one." 

She laughed then.

"Sorry, I guess you must hear that all the time right?" she nodded. 

"Yep, every guy I see wants to take me out for dinner and then take me home and fuck me," she said. 

"Sorry," I said. "I need a lot more than that."

"I haven't even offered you that yet," she laughed. "But just out of curiosity, what did you have in mind?"

"I want to give you everything," I said. "...A home of our own, a family, and my heart just to start. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy, if you let me.

"Give me some money," she said. "I got fired today. They don't seem to like waitresses who are constantly spilling the food." I handed her my wallet. She reached in and took a twenty.

"Burgers okay?" she asked.

"Huh?" I asked. 

"Are burgers okay for OUR dinner?" she asked.

"Sure!" I gushed, liking the sound of the word "Our." 

"Be, right back...uhm...?" she said.

"Jacob," I smiled.

"Aubrey," she said smiling back at me.

"Shouldn't I be coming with you?" I asked. She just shook her head.

"You keep studying, Jake," she said. "You need to be smart if you're going to spend the rest of our lives taking care of me, so keep studying."

Two years later we were married and living in our first house. Two years after that, I had started my own company. We manufactured custom prosthetics and orthotics for customers ranging from world class athletes to the average Joe. We also manufactured safety equipment for athletes who wanted to train or compete with minor injuries.

My company was still small enough that everyone knew each other, but profit wise we'd already entertained several offers to buy us out. The problem was that everyone who wanted to buy the company didn't want to keep doing the charity work that we did for kids who'd been injured and couldn't afford their prosthetics.

But I loved what I did and I loved Aubrey, so cashing in and making an ass load of money wasn't really in the picture. But as they say ignorance is bliss. Her parents loved me too. We were one big happy family. 

Her parents did keep bothering us about when they were going to start having grandkids to visit, but there were worse problems to have. My friend Steve'ss hated him. They kept offering their daughter money to divorce him. 

Steve is a doctor. He's part of my team. He helps out by overseeing everything the engineers do in designing the prosthetics. He makes sure that everything is anatomically safe for our patients and also trouble shoots any problems we're having fitting the devices.

I was able to get him because he was fired from two of the three hospitals in our area. He fits in really well.

Aubrey and I were very happy. We took several vacations a year and were inseparable when I wasn't working. She was my entire world. So I wasn't surprised when she started talking about planning our first child. We both decided after several conversations that we should wait a few years until we turned thirty. That would be the perfect time of life. It would also give us a few more years to travel and enjoy each other.

. I guess our timing could have been better, because Aubrey's dad passed a few years ago. His death was hard on my mother. It took her a while to get over him. And during that time we bonded. I felt a kindred spirit in my mother in law. Unfortunately, a short time later, I began to feel that something was out of place with Aubrey.

"Jake are you going to love me forever?" she asked me.

"And ever, and ever," I told her.

"What about after we've had your third kid and my ass is fat?" she asked.

"Even more then," I smiled.

"But why?" she asked. It made me wonder about her and about us, then.

"I've told you this millions of times," I said. "Aubrey, we both know that you're beautiful and every guy who sees you wants you. It was that way five years ago when we first met and it will probably be that way forever. But I love you, not just for what you look like, for the person that you are. I love you for the way you come in and drag me away from my computer when you think I'm working too hard. I love you for the way you run around the house in one of my shirts and those big fluffy house shoes and nothing else. I love you for the way you look when we work in the yard and you're sweaty and dirty, with your hair in a mess and all over your face. Aubrey I loved you the first time I saw you and I will until the day I die. I swear it. No matter what happens to us or how you look or how fat, you get...I hate to go Whitney Houston on you, but Ieeeeeeeeeeaieeeeaiiiiii will always love youooooooooooooo!" I finished the last part on one knee in front of her. I know it was corny and maybe I was mugging a bit. I expected her to laugh or hit me or something.

Our eyes locked and tears came from her eyes like water from a sprinkler. The next thing I knew she was running for the bedroom and slamming the door behind her. For the rest of the day she stayed in the room and wouldn't open the door. She told me that she just needed some time.

I was sitting on the deck behind the house watching the sun go down when she slipped into the chair next to me. She inserted her hand into my hand that was the farthest away from her and wrapped my near arm around her.

"Are we okay?" I asked. 

"Jake, I'm a girl," she said. "We sometimes react to things in strange ways. Jake I guess after all of this time, it finally hit me just how much you really do love me. I love you too, but this isn't one of those two cute kids in high school things is it?"

"No it's not," I said. "But what brought that on?"

"I just found out that one of the girls I grew up with is getting a divorce. Her husband ran off with his personal assistant. They were in love and married. They have kids and everything. They have all of those years and now nothing. The really crazy thing is that Dana was ready and willing to forgive him. She wanted to chalk it up to him just going a little crazy and having a fling. She wanted to welcome him back home and back into her heart and her bed and everything. The even crazier thing is that he didn't end up with his assistant. He moved on from both of them. Can you imagine it? A six foot blond with tits the size of beach balls and he just got tired of fucking her. So being pretty isn't everything. I guess I realized how lucky I am to not only have fallen in love with the one man who loves me for what's inside me, but to be married to him too."

"Nothing like that will ever happen to us," I told her and I meant it more than anything I had ever said up to that point in my life. Inside I realized that I needed to spend more time with her. I needed to spend more time on us.

"So the next afternoon, I left work early and armed with a stupidly giant bouquet of flowers, I descended on my happy home. My mission was to reassure the woman I loved that I did in fact, love her and would until the end of time. 

As I tiptoed through my own house, I was in a good mood. When I didn't find her in the living room, the kitchen, or the bedroom, my mirth began to fade. I heard a yelp from the basement and figured she was probably doing the laundry. Then I remembered the article we'd read about women getting off on the dryer and I flew down the stairs as silently as I could. That was something I wanted to see badly.

I peered stealthily around the corner by the dryer and caught Aubrey with her legs widely spread and her head tilted back. Unfortunately there was someone between them. They were thrusting wildly against each other. As much as I wanted to do something, I was rooted there. Her moans had reached the state of rapid shallow breathing that preludes her climax, much as it did when she had sex with me. I knew her moves before she even did them, as if I was watching a performance of a choreographed dance that I had seen many times.

She pulled him closer to her, putting her hands behind his back. Then she wrapped those exquisite legs around his waist. I knew that would come next but I had already turned to leave. I had stayed as long as I had because I needed to see her in the act. 

I needed to have the memory of what she was doing seared into my brain, so there would be no chance for us. I needed the heat of the vision to burn all of my love for her out of my heart.

It was the flowers that gave me away. They fell from my nerveless fingers and rustled against the floor even as I moved up the stairs. It didn't matter, I could hear their gasps as the sudden sound interrupted their union and they separated as if someone was still there to see them.

I don't remember getting into my car and driving away. I don't remember the last time I looked at the house we loved so much. I was in shock. There was no anger, no rage no sense of betrayal. At that point all I had was an overwhelming need to be someplace different. Perhaps it was the survival instinct of the wounded beast that drove me. That need of an injured animal to get away from danger and go somewhere safe to heal, so I could fight another day. 

* * * * * *

Aubrey

He wasn't even listening to me. And he had to listen. Perhaps my choice of clothing had been a mistake. But that was another thing I had to find out. I had to know if I could still turn him on. Life sucks sometimes. I had offered him his fondest wish and he had to stop and consider it. I guess it said more about me than it did him. In the time it took him to answer me, my mind wandered. 

I had always been pretty. It's a curse more than a blessing. My whole life I've had to put up with being stared at and misjudged. I was always the focus of attention when all I really wanted was to be left alone. There was always some boy or many boys who wanted me even before they knew what they wanted me for.

I was always being nominated for queen of this or that, simply because of the way I looked. In high school there were boys fighting over me. All I could do was to smile and try to be friendly. I had no real interest in boys. I guess I was a late bloomer. Part of the problem was that I was just watching life pass me by. Most of my grades weren't earned. My charms apparently worked on older men as well. I had a solid B- average. Most of the male teachers gave me A's without me turning in any work. One of the female teachers did too. The other female teacher flunked me or tried to. I did as much make-up work as I could for her class and still got a D.

But I graduated from high school and into the real world. I tried college, but since I hadn't really learned anything in high school, I was seriously underprepared for it. After a year of wasting my parents' money, I gave it up. 

I noticed again that life was just passing me by. At twenty years old and still as pretty as a new dawn, I had never been...anything. I had never been kissed. I had never been fondled. I was working as a waitress and a failing at it. My boss came to me and told me that I was fired...again. As I went to pick up my check, he had another idea. 

Forty minutes later I was no longer a virgin, but I still had a job. The funny thing about it was that I felt nothing. It made me think. For most of my life it wasn't just that life had passed me by, I was disconnected. I didn't feel anything. I had no idea what love was. I also had no true hatred. Over the next couple of years, I started using what I had to get ahead. It wasn't like I became a whore or anything. But if I needed a few bucks for my rent...I got it. If I needed new shoes or an outfit...I got it. 

I had no ambition and no long range plans. I dated a lot because I was asked a lot. Most of the guys just wanted a chance to fuck me. Some of them wanted more, but I couldn't give it to them. Even the ones I dated more than once quickly noticed that there was no connection.

And then one day, I was having the shittiest day ever. My boss had already told me that if I dropped one more tray, I was fired. I knew that I'd reached the end of the road there anyway. It had nothing to do with my lack of skill as a waitress. My boss was tired of fucking me. He was putting it to a newer waitress. She was only 19 and had an exotic look. He also told me that she really got into it. What she lacked in beauty, she made up with enthusiasm. 




Should've Been



So as I started trying to figure out what I'd do next, I noticed a couple of guys around my age come in and sit down. I was glad they weren't sitting at one of my tables. They looked like college guys and they were terrible tippers.

The smaller one was really cute though. That was an unusual thing for me to think. I never really reacted to men's looks. I reacted more to their requests and what they could offer me. 

Every time I crossed the room, I felt his eyes on me. I was used to that, but somehow, just his gaze felt warm. I crossed the room again carrying a loaded tray and trying my best to be careful. I noticed that he was staring at me open mouthed, as if I was naked or something. He even stood up as I got close to him. 

Then he tripped and fell right in front of me. And since I was carrying the tray, I couldn't see him and stepped on him tripping and flinging the entire tray in the process.

I called him every name I could think of and angrily packed my gear and got ready to leave. The other of the two guys came over to me. 

"For a woman as pretty as you are, you're really a bitch," he said. "That was an accident. Jacob didn't mean to trip you. This was the first time I've gotten him out of the dorm in six months. Then he takes one look at you, a fucking waitress, and he acts like you're the God damned Messiah or something..."

I felt bad about the way I'd treated his friend. So I got him to take me to his friend so I could apologize.

From the second I saw him again, I knew. There was just something about him. I figured I'd go out with him a few times and let it fade. But then he told me about the way he felt and I melted. Nothing mattered anymore. I just wanted to be with him. It was strange because I'd had sex but it was always something the guys wanted. Sure I had orgasms and I enjoyed sex when I was in the mood for it, but this was different. It was like I was in heat or something.

From that moment on, we were together. Even in my mind it seemed kind of weird, but I had a boyfriend. I had more than that. He lived in a house he rented with a couple of other people and I just moved into his room. There were days when I followed him and waited outside of his class for him to come out. I still didn't consider what we had as love but it was as close as I had ever been. I didn't think that I would ever feel real love but I recognized that what Jake felt for me was love and I loved the fact that he loved me.

I really loved the fact that he wanted to take care of me and build a life with me. I had no ambition, no plan in life, so I was smart enough to hook up with the guy that could give me a much better life than I would ever have had on my own.

When he graduated from college with honors and a good job, I was happy. He seemed to be making all of his promises real. When he asked me to marry him, I was floored. "Hell yes!" I said. I couldn't get the words out fast enough. It wasn't like I really loved him, I still wasn't sure what love was, but we had a connection. It also meant that I wouldn't have to worry about having a job or any of that bullshit. I could have a good life and I wouldn't have to work. There was also the fact that even if it didn't last, if I could just hold on long enough, even if he divorced me, I'd do fine. 

As the years went on we became more and more a couple. I saw people all around us get married and have kids and noticed from talking to friends that many of them were jealous of us. I guess if I looked at us from the outside it seemed as if we had the perfect marriage. Jake would literally do anything for me. There were times when I felt guilty because I knew that I didn't and would probably never feel the way about him that he felt about me. I just wasn't capable of that kind of emotion. 

I cooked for him. I cleaned our house and made it a wonderful place to live. I had sex with him any time he wanted me to and any way he wanted me to. I was affectionate. We cuddled all the time and I kept myself attractive for him. When my dad died, Jake was there for my mom. I think that was a turning point, because I noticed then that I felt nothing about my dad passing. It let me know that emotionally, there was something wrong with me. 

Over the years Jake and I had spoken several times about having kids and had decided to put it off. I started thinking about it in earnest then. But a short time after that I spoke to a friend that I'd grown up with. She was getting a divorce and was distraught. Her husband had left her for a younger woman and she wanted him back badly. I realized that the husband was probably a lot like me. He'd been cheating on my friend for years and finally got tired of the pretense. He decided that he just wanted to ne alone and single.

It upset me but I couldn't figure it out. The man was an asshole. Did that make me one too? I had, since the beginning of our relationship occasionally had sex with other men. At the time I had been having sex with a friend of his. It wasn't that Jake wasn't good in bed. It wasn't that I had any kind of feelings for the other guy either. He was just someone I called from time to time. It had started out to prevent hurting Jake. 

Six months before that, I had been in the house when our lawn service came by. I watched as a really well-built guy marched around our yard cutting and spraying the grass. I wanted him. I knew that Jake would never find out about it so it wouldn't hurt him. So I did it. I went to the door and called him inside of the house. It was the first time that I'd ever brought anyone in our house for sex and it taught me two things. The first was that the guy, skinny muscular, long hair, the whole package, wasn't nearly as satisfying as Jake. 

Jake is pretty good looking and a lot of the women I know like him but, I guess I hadn't really noticed him in a long time. Anyway that afternoon marked a crack in my armor. Besides the fact that the guy didn't get me off, I felt bad about it. That was a first. So I decided that maybe I should stop. Maybe whether I loved him or not I should respect him enough not to. Unfortunately it wasn't to be.

One of the men who worked for Jake and was also friendly with him was a guy named Steve. He came to me and told me that he had proof that I had cheated on Jake. To keep him from telling Jake I had to give him some of what the lawn guy got. So I did it and felt nothing. I actually felt good about it because instead of just doing it to have sex I had done it to help my marriage. In a way it worked out because the guy had a history of cheating on his wife. He'd been caught a few times. It also gave me an outlet. So instead of risking getting caught with random guys, I had someone to call when Jake wasn't available. 

But things changed after talking to my friend. She wasn't like me. She really loved that asshole. And now she was facing a life alone and miserable with kids too. I wondered if that could happen to me. 

Later on when Jake got home, I asked him if he really loved me. His answer stunned me. I ended up running away from him up to our bedroom. I had to get away from him. I couldn't look him in the eye. I was simply not worthy of the way he felt about me.

I realized then that he loved me far more than I had ever considered. I didn't deserve to be loved like that. Maybe it was guilt, but I decided that the best thing for him would be if I left him. I should just disappear. But then I thought about how badly that would hurt him. I started crying. I thought long and hard about how I would feel without him in my life too. I realized that having even a day without seeing that man would probably kill me. I started to understand then that when I kissed Jake, it was because I enjoyed kissing him. And when we had sex, it was because I wanted him. I didn't just want sex, I wanted Jake. It took me a while to realize it, but I love my husband. 

Jake and I had sex that night. Don't get me wrong we always do. But it was like for all of the years before that night I had been holding back. That night, I gave him everything I had. It just felt so different. It was as if everything I did with every other man was a waste of my time. I had been a fool for most of my life. We fell asleep that night wrapped in each other's arms. When he kissed me goodbye the next morning, I was a changed woman. I couldn't stop smiling. I kept saying it over and over. I love my husband. I called to tell his friend that we wouldn't be getting together anymore. He talked me into one last time.

I wanted to get it over with, so I told him to come by that afternoon while Jake was at work. He was all for it. When he came over we went straight into the laundry room in the basement. I had never had sex with him anywhere else. Even before I realized how I felt about Jake I had too much respect for him to have anyone in our bed. 

As soon as he got there he was all over me there was no love in it, but there had never been any. It was just sex. The evening before I had made love with Jake. We kissed and I wanted to have him in me to express what we felt about each other. It was magic and I intended to do that again that evening. This was just sex. We just humped each other purely for physical release. The odd thing was that most of the time I didn't cum with him. But that day I was still in my happy mood thinking about what had happened the day before and my newfound love. Thinking about it got me hotter than ever before so my body reacted. 

But before I got off, I heard something. I pushed him off of me but he had clearly heard it too. We looked out in the hallway and didn't see anything. He shrugged his shoulders and reached for me.

"We're done," I said. I was feeling worse and worse about what had happened. "We never talk about this and it never happens again. If you ever call me again I'll tell him and you have just as much to lose as I do, maybe more." he nodded and started getting dressed. "You can see yourself out," I told him.

I turned to go upstairs and shower. I needed to get ready to make it a truly special evening for Jake and me. As I reached the stairs my heart nearly stopped. My entire life flashed before my eyes and I realized how empty it had been before I met Jake. My cry of anguish brought my friend back.

"What's wrong?" he asked. I pointed at the flowers that had been dumped on the stairs. 

"Oh shit," he said shaking his head. 

I didn't know what to do. I showered and changed. I made dinner. My greatest hope was that just this once, like my friend and like Steve's wife, Jake would get angry and call me a bunch of names and then forgive me. I only needed one more chance and this would never happen again. I knew what love really was then. All I wanted was a chance to make Jake the happiest man alive. I kept telling myself that Jake loved me and that he'd promised me forever. 

Once it got dark, I started to worry. Jake always called me if he was going to be late. I called his phone and realized I was in trouble. I didn't get a connection. It didn't even ring. If I had any doubt about Jake's feelings, they vanished. My husband had blocked me. I would have to wait for him to come home to talk about our problems.

I sat down on the sofa to wait for him. I figured that he'd probably gone to a bar to drink with his friends before coming home. My only defense against what I knew would be overwhelming anger was the fact that I knew as surely as I knew my own name, that Jake loved me.

I guess sometime during the evening I dozed off. I woke up at three a.m. in the dark. I went upstairs thinking that Jake had been so angry that he's simply walked right past me and went to bed. When I noticed that our room was empty I checked both guest rooms and then just started crying. It was the first time I remember crying about anything during my adult life. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. If this was what love meant, I could do without it.

The next morning, I felt even more like shit. I tried calling Jake again with no change. I called his office and got the after-hours message. I asked his secretary to call me as soon as she got in. 

I lay back down on the couch and waited by the phone. Brenda called me at about ten minutes after nine. Her voice was cheerful and friendly as always.

"What's up Mrs. Boss?" she asked.

"Brenda, you have to help me," I said. "Jake and I are having an issue. I really need to speak to him. All I want is a chance to tell him that I love him and I'm sorry. Can you ask him to call me when he gets there?"

"My God," she said. "You sound awful. Of course I'll have him call you. I'll do better than that. As soon as he steps in here I'll just hand him the phone and tell him to talk. I've been his secretary since before you two got married. Of course you were already together but this is the first time I remember you guys having an argument. It's going to be okay, Aubrey. He really loves you."

The phone rang about an hour later. I snatched it from its cradle and started talking. "Jake, I love you more than anything. I'll do whatever you want, just come home," I said.

"Aubrey...this is Brenda," she said. "Jake just called in. He said he's going to take some time off, because he isn't feeling well. I told him to call you."

I thanked her and hung up the phone. I had no idea what to do.

* * * * * *

Steven

Driving away from the house, I couldn't get away fast enough. I took my phone off of my waist and put it on the seat next to me. I expected Jake to call me at any time. "Fuck!" I yelled. I had no one to blame but myself. Jake was more than my boss. He was more than a friend. When I got out of medical school, I wasn't exactly the top guy in my class. I had a lot of trouble finding a spot at a hospital even though there were three in the area. 

I had a huge pile of college loans to take care of and I also had a wife and two small kids. I didn't want a job. I NEEDED one. I needed work more than I needed air. I finally got a job as a hospitalist at County General, after two years and a few issues, I was let go. I was lucky I wasn't sued for malpractice. After that I got hired at Tremont Hospital I didn't last much longer there. The third hospital in the area wouldn't give me an interview. 

But luckily, I met Jake. He had a couple of the doctors and some medical students from Tremont working for him on a contingent basis. As his business grew, he needed to hire a full time medical person. It was right around that time that I got fired. It was a good fit for both of us. For the past three years it's been gravy. I make more working for Jake and work fewer hours with a lot less pressure. 

I have to admit that I've cheated on my wife Carlie a few times and have been caught a few times too. But I love her and my kids. I was just under so much pressure. When she caught me the last time I swore I'd never do it again. And I meant it. I don't think that I'd be in this situation if it wasn't for bad luck. Aubrey is hot. There's no doubting that, but if the opportunity to get some of that hadn't presented itself, I never would have made a move on her. I caught the bitch cheating on Jake and took advantage of it. 

I guess I should have felt badly about it, but in my own way I really believed that I was helping him. If she was cheating on him anyway, sooner or later the bitch would get caught and he'd be hurt. At least with me, I'd do anything I could to avoid getting caught and hurting him. Plus there was no way I'd ever try to take Aubrey away from him. There was no love involved in what we did.

There was something else going on here too. It took me a while to figure it out. At first I saw Aubrey as this beautiful woman that any guy would want. I was a little jealous of Jake at first. But after being around Aubrey, I began to notice things. Aubrey was like Barbie. She was the perfect archetype of a woman. She was almost too pretty...too sexy. But it was all on the surface. She had no emotions at all. Fucking her was like fucking a living, breathing blow up doll. The only time I felt any warmth at all coming from her was when she talked about Jake. And we didn't talk about him often because I felt really guilty about what I was doing to him.

I went back to work that day, expecting at any moment to be called to his office or to have him show up at mine. I did my best to avoid him and any area that he might be. To my surprise he never showed up. That was unusual because Jake and I usually talked several times a day at least. I felt like shit. Time just seemed to drag. When it was time to go home, I took off like a rocket. I hugged Carlie and my kids over and over as soon as I got into the house. 

The next morning I went to work and still didn't run into Jake. That was strange because under normal circumstances Jake was the first one in the office. When I had a problem that I couldn't solve without him, I went looking for him. I found out then that he was taking some time off. I smiled then. I was sure at first that Jake and Aubrey were working on their marriage. I was sure that Aubrey would be on my side if necessary, so I probably wouldn't get fired.

It was probably around eleven a.m. that she called me. I wondered why she was calling me. I didn't answer the phone. She called again a few minutes later so I answered it. 

"I thought we weren't going to talk anymore," I said tersely. I wasn't prepared for the amount of emotion that came from her. Just hearing the pain in her voice made me feel even worse.

"He's gone," she wailed. She went on to tell me that she had spoken to everyone she could think of to call. She had even called the police. All she wanted was for me to go out and look for him. She wanted me to look in any of the places that he and I hung out in. 

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Aubrey," I said. 

"You chicken-shit," she spat. "You're brave enough to fuck his wife behind his back, but not brave enough to face him?" Her words bit deeply. I already felt badly enough.

"All you have to do is find him," she said. "Then just call me and tell me where he is."

I decided that I could do that. I looked everywhere that I could think of but didn't see him anywhere. I felt even worse. My friend, the one guy who'd believed in me and given me a chance when no one else would, was out there alone somewhere. He was in obvious pain and broken hearted and I was the person responsible for it.

* * * * * *

Aubrey

The police were no help at first. They refused to start looking for him until he'd been gone for 48 hours. I called them at least ten times before they finally agreed to send a detective out. When they did send a detective out, things got worse. One of the detectives was a woman and she hated me on sight. They began asking questions and I had to tell them why Jake had left. The investigation changed rapidly after that. I had to give them Steven's contact info. They went after him too. I really believe that they thought that Steve and I killed Jake or something. But they told me that I should get a lawyer.

I'll never get over the look that the female detective gave me as she left my house. She looked at me as if I was the lowest form of life on earth. I didn't care. All I wanted was my husband back.

Two days later she called me. "I was wrong about you," she said. "I guess you didn't kill him. You ripped his heart out and left him for dead, but you didn't kill him."

"You found him?" I screamed happily.

"That we did," she said. "So you are no longer a suspect. Neither is your equally scummy friend." Then she hung up. I had to call her back.

"Um, you forgot to tell me where he is before you hung up," I said.

"I didn't forget," she said with the most sarcastic tone I ever heard in her voice. "He's an adult. He's in good mental health considering what you did to him, and he doesn't want us to reveal his location to you. I, legally, cannot go against his wishes. Have a nice day. You still might want to get that lawyer though." 




Should've Been



I knew a way to get to him. Once I figured out that he was okay and just angry at me, I felt so much better. Somehow, just knowing that he was okay made my day better. I still longed to see him but it was an improvement.

I called my mom. Jake loved her. If she called, he'd answer. It took almost everything I had to keep my composure while I spoke to her. She was as full of questions as the police were. And once I admitted that the argument was my fault, she wanted to know what I'd done. I just begged her to call him.

Almost two hours later I called her back. My mom was getting a bit older so I was sure that she'd spoken to him and then forgotten to call me back. She hadn't. She refused to call me after speaking to him. 

"Mom I know that it sounds bad, but Jake doesn't understand some of it," I said. "I know that what I did was bad, very bad, but Jake doesn't really understand what he told you I did."

"Jake didn't tell me what you did," she said. "But I kind of figured that by the way you're sneaking around trying to get in touch with him, you were the one who fucked up. And Aubrey, you're my daughter. I love you. I have ever since the first breath you took. I'm always going to be on your side in most things, but I won't help you kick a puppy."

"Mom, I'm not trying to kick him. I love him and I want him back," I said. 

"Aubrey you haven't heard the pain in that man's voice," she said. "You hurt him bad. A lot of people love that man and I'm not sure he's ever going to be the same. Whatever you did, I hope it was worth it."

* * * * * *

Jake 

For the first week, I did nothing. I sat in a hotel and just hurt. Almost as soon as I'd left the house, I blocked Aubrey's number and the home number from my iPhone. I could still call her but no incoming calls would even be connected. 

I did call Brenda and tell her that I was taking some time off. For a couple of days I just ate, slept and thought. I went over every aspect of my life. I realized that Aubrey didn't love me. I realized it not through overwhelming intelligence or insight but through a math-like proof. I knew that I love Aubrey. I love her deeply and completely. There is no way that I could ever touch another woman. Aubrey didn't have the same limitations, therefore she couldn't love me.

Once I had worked that out, I had to figure out what to do about it. On the third day I was visited by a police detective. She was a tall pretty woman and she looked at me with concern written all over her face. After we spoke, I asked her not to reveal my location to Aubrey and she told me I had nothing to worry about.

I spoke to Aubrey's mother the next day. Speaking to her really made me feel better. Speaking to my mother made me realize something else. I had done nothing wrong. The only mistake I made was falling in love with and trusting the wrong woman. I also trusted the wrong person as a friend.

I wasn't even thirty years old yet. I had too much life ahead of me to give up. The next morning I did something I hadn't done in a while. I went out for a run. I was a bit out of shape so that first day kicked my ass. When I got back to the hotel I had a great breakfast and started making calls. I called Brenda first and then my lawyer. I told Brenda that I was coming back to work but not during the day. I'd come in during the evenings and handle the contracts and leave work assignments for everyone. I wanted her to start quietly looking for someone to replace Steve but not to say a word about it. 

"Are you back home now?" she asked. "Aubrey was..."

"Brenda, just do as I've asked," I said. 

My normal business lawyer gave me a referral to a guy who was supposedly the best family law guy in the state. I saw him the next day. I gave him the specifics of the case and fortunately I didn't need proof. Both Aubrey and Steve had been questioned by the police and had admitted to the affair. It was then a matter of public record. 

I didn't do anything with our bank accounts. I didn't take any money out or hide anything. I didn't want to leave Aubrey penniless. I didn't want to hurt her at all. I still loved her too much to ever do that. But I needed her out of my head and out of my life.

The next thing I looked at was that I needed a change. I had money. I decided to use some of it. I hired a real estate guy to find a new house for me. I'd heard that on divorce cases the woman usually got the house. My lawyer had told me that since I wasn't the guilty party and we had no kids I might end up with it. But I didn't want it. I wasn't sure I could ever walk into that place again.

There were other things that needed to change too. I remember walking out of my hotel one day for a meeting with my real estate guy and looking at my car. Aubrey and I had similar BMWs. Our cars were a pair like I always thought that we'd be. But if we weren't a pair anymore, why shouldn't I have a different car. 

By the end of the day I was driving a black Mustang GT. I took the car to a custom shop and changed its appearance. The factory rims had to go. I went for black 20" Helo rims. I really loved the way the black rims gave the car a more sinister appearance. 

Two days later I had the windows tinted too. Then I swapped out the factory grills for black billet grills and a splitter. Then I blacked out the lights all the way around the car. After that I swapped out the factory brakes for over-sized black vented rotors and bright yellow brake calipers. 

After that I started getting things done to the engine. Since I'd left most of my clothes at the house, I had to buy more. I got a haircut too. I felt like a new person. My lawyer told me that he had the papers ready we could have her served whenever I was ready.

I decided to wait a day or so. I went back to work the next day. I called Brenda and told her I was coming back and that she could schedule the interviews for Steven's replacement. 

When I walked into the office Brenda screamed. She ran over to me and wrapped her arms around me. Without telling her exactly what was going on, I let her know that Aubrey and I were done. I think she felt as badly about it as I did.

I walked down the hall and saw several new faces in Steven's lab. I just smiled and went back to my office to start going through my morning paperwork. At about ten o'clock he came into the outer office looking for Brenda.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked. "Why are those people in my lab?"

She just pointed at my door. Steven walked in. He saw me and his face changed. 

"Jake, I'm sorry," he said. 

"No Steven," I said. "What you are...is fired!"

"Jake can I explain?" he asked. He came over to me the way he had a hundred times before. I don't know where it came from but I was suddenly angrier than I'd ever been in life. I punched him twice; once in the stomach, and once in the face. He folded up like an accordion. 

"Pack everything that's yours and be out of my building within the hour," I spat, as he picked himself up and wiped the blood off of his face. 

"Jake, I just want to talk," he said as I closed the office door in his face. I sat down at my desk and made a phone call. 

"I'm ready," I said. "You can do it."

* * * * * *

Aubrey 

It had been nearly almost a month since I had seen Jake. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. All I could do was lie there, waiting for him to get over his anger at me. I didn't even lie in our bed. I was on the sofa. I was too afraid that he'd try to sneak into the house to get his clothes or something that he needed and I'd miss the chance to see him. 

Every time I heard someone come near the door, I jumped up and ran over to it, only to come away disappointed when it wasn't him. Every time the phone rang, I dove for it hoping that he'd finally decided to call me. 

I wished, with everything I had, that I could go back to being the way I was. Being disconnected and emotionless had never seemed to be such a good thing to me as it did while I sat there alternately crying my eyes out and trying to make a plan to get him back.

Suddenly the phone rang. I expected it to be another telemarketer, so I looked at the caller ID. It was Jake's office number. I picked up the phone so quickly that it surprised even me. 

"Jake, I'm so sorry," I gushed. "Please c..."

"Aubrey, this is Brenda," she said cutting me off. "I just called to tell you that he came back to work today. Honey, he's different. He's more withdrawn and at the same time more emotional than I've ever seen him. Aubrey, he doesn't smile anymore. At first I thought it was just the haircut, or the fact that he's dressing differently, but he has definitely changed. He punched Steve in the mouth and fired him. He had security literally throw him out of the building. Then he went back to work as if nothing had happened. He's interviewing candidates to replace Steve, as we speak. I'm calling you because I was kind of hoping you could come over here and calm him down...gotta go, he just called me."

I jumped up, suddenly filled with energy. This was a good sign. Even when he got angry, Jake never stayed that way for long. His record for being angry with me was from the time that I was in a hurry to get to the mall and had one of my blond moments. I backed my brand new car into Jake's brand new car in our driveway. It was a huge mess insurance-wise. We had to pay the deductibles on both cars and the insurance company balked at paying for all of the repairs. 

Jake got so angry at me that he didn't talk to me for about an hour. All it took was a dose of puppy dog eyes, an "I'm really sorry, Honey," and a blow job. 

I was kind of grimy and I realized then that I hadn't showered or done my hair since Jake left. I had been too upset to even care what I looked like. I jumped into the shower quickly since I had no idea when he'd be home. Washing my hair took a while. I had to blow dry it and try to do something with it after that. 

I put on one of the outfits that Jake hated to see me wear in public. It wasn't very low cut and it covered me up a lot. The skirt came about three inches below my knees but it was cut so that it molded itself to my body and really showed off my boobs and butt. I was only going to wear it because I wanted him to remember what he was giving up by staying angry at me. 

Before I got a chance to pick out my shoes I heard a car's door slamming and went into shock. It had taken me longer than I thought to get ready. Jake was home. I ran down the stairs, almost tripping in the process. I got my balance and kept going. I was not going to have him come in and need to take me to the hospital.

I got to the door and ripped it open just in time to see a woman who was almost my mirror image reaching out to ring the bell. 

Her hand froze just before touching the button as she stared at me. We both appraised each other before speaking. She was as tall as I am. Her hair might've been a shade or two lighter than mine was. Hers tended towards a very pale blond where mine was a golden blond. I think my hair was a couple of inches longer. 

My boobs are bigger but not by much but her legs are definitely better. She shook her head as if the comparison had jarred her as well. The whole thing had taken perhaps a second or two, but it seemed much longer. She had a briefcase in one hand and looked into it to retrieve a file folder.

She was definitely younger than I am. I put her age at about twenty one or twenty two at the most, so I was at least four or five years older. After checking the file she looked up at me and I noticed that she was chewing gum. 

"Are you Aubrey Adama?" she asked in a really catty voice. She even cracked her gum a couple of times while waiting for my brain to kick in so I could answer. I knew who she was then and it pissed me off. 

After promising to love me forever, it had taken Jake barely a month to replace me with a younger woman who was almost my clone. He was trying to show me that I was just as replaceable as all of the other things he'd left behind in the house. I wanted to cry then, but I wasn't about to let a single tear fall in front of this bitch.

"Yes, I am," I said almost defiantly. "And you can tell..."

"You've been served," she said quickly, interrupting me. Then she turned to leave.

"Wait," I said. "I need you to tell Jake something."

"Who's Jake?" she asked cracking her gum impatiently.

"My husband, he's your new lover. He sent you here to rub in my face w..." I began.

"Look Granny, the only lover I've ever had is Brandon and I'm only doing this to earn money so we can buy a house when he gets back from his deployment. I don't know any Jake. I'm a process server. Some lawyer or the court pays my company to have me hand you those papers. I don't even know what's in them. It could be an eviction notice, an order to appear before the court...shit it could be a notice that your license has been suspended for too many drunken driving arrests. Have a nice day!"

As I watched her go I felt a sense of relief. I knew what the papers were. The person whose car I had clipped in the parking lot of the supermarket a couple of months ago had found me. I know that I probably should have left a note, but at the time I didn't want Jake to get angry about another hike in our insurance rate. So I'd just driven off. There were cameras everywhere these days. I guess they'd gotten me on one of them. I'd probably have to go to court and pay for the damages to some guy's car. I breathed a sigh of relief. 

"Hey, Aubrey," called my next door neighbor, Fred Mertz. I waved back at him without saying anything as I opened the folder to look at the papers. Everything got blurry and my legs collapsed as I saw from the title on the first page that Jake was divorcing me. It seemed to happen in slow motion, the concrete surface of our porch just rose up to meet me. 

My mind still functioned. In fact it seemed to go into hyper drive but it was completely disconnected from my body. It was as if my brain was so locked into trying to understand this one thing that nothing else mattered. 

I heard Fred gruffly screamed at someone, presumably his wife, Ethel, to call 911. A few seconds later he was gently tapping the side of my face and asking if I was okay.

I vaguely remember him saying something like, "Only a fool looks a gift horse in the mouth." Then he started feeling on my tits. I wanted to say something or to push him away, but my mouth didn't work and I couldn't move my arms. And to be truthful, I just didn't care. My world had torn itself apart, or more correctly, I had torn it apart.

That was when the fight started. Ethel had run over to see what was going on and caught Fred feeling my boobs. "What the fuck are you doing?" she screamed at him.

"I'm doing CPR," he shouted. 

"Bullshit, you letch," she said. "You're feeling her up. Your hands weren't pushing on her chest they were feeling her boobs."

"Ethel her boobs are so big, they cover her chest," he said.

"Mine are bigger than hers," spat Ethel.

"Not by much," said Fred. "And the rest of your body is four times her size. It's about proportion."

"You'll have plenty of time to learn about proportion in jail after Jake beats your ass. You know how he is about her. He'll beat your old perverted ass to a pulp," she smirked.

Fred quickly took his hands off of my tits. "But it was just CPR," he whined.

"Bullshit," spat Ethel. "You don't need to do CPR on a person who's breathing!"

"Hey, it worked," said Fred. "I saved her life."

"You didn't do shit," yelled Ethel. "Those balloons have been rising and falling since I got here. As soon as Jake gets back from his business trip I'm gonna' tell him what you did."

"Oh please Ethel," he whined. "If you tell him he'll..."

The EMT's moved Fred out of the way at that moment. 

My next conscious thought was my mother speaking to me at the hospital. She was leaning over me and trying to talk to me but I just didn't care enough to respond. The nurse came in and spoke to her.

"She's having some kind of shock reaction to getting some very bad news," said the nurse. "Her vitals are good. We're running her blood right now and we did a complete battery of tests to determine if there's anything physically wrong with her."

My mother turned to her then and gave me hope. "I called her husband. He'll be here in a few minutes."

I think they noticed that my heartbeat elevated when my mother said that Jake was on his way. 

A few minutes later, I heard his voice. He came into the room with my mother and I heard them talking about me. "She got some kind of news and it sent her into shock," said my mother.

"It's my fault," said Jake. "It was probably getting the divorce papers that did it."

"Jake what are you talking about?" asked my mother. "You two don't need a divorce. What is this all about?"

"You'll have to ask Aubrey about that," he said. "It's not my place to tell you."

"Whatever it is, it's got you so torn up that I can tell you're about to cry," said my mother. "Someone needs to tell me something."

"I'm giving her half of everything," he says. "She gets the house. I get my business. We split everything else right down the middle. My lawyer said that I could probably get a much better deal, but I don't want to hurt her. I want her to be happy. I just don't want her to hurt me anymore..." His voice broke then and I began to see what I'd done. 

I tried to get up then but my arms and legs still felt like jelly. My mouth still wouldn't work either. 

"Jake you two are not getting a divorce," said my mom. "It won't work. It's like one of those corny lifetime movies. The two of you are better together. We've never spoken about this, but I was worried about Aubrey until you came along. She just never seemed to connect to anything. She had no interests, not many friends and no ambitions. She was vacant, like a beautiful doll. I kind of expected her to go into modeling or something. But then I saw all of those articles about the modeling world and realized that she wouldn't have been right for that either. Her boobs are too big and so is her butt. But then when she met you...it started to change."

She pulled him over to a chair and sat him down. "And you Jake, when she first brought you home, her father and I were shocked. I mean my daughter had uhm...gone out with a lot of guys before you, but we got the idea that she never gave a damn about any of them. And you were the first one that she actually brought home and introduced to her father and me. And to tell you the truth, we didn't think you'd last. Not that we didn't like you but...Jake you weren't her type. You're the sweetest thing on the planet, Honey, but Aubrey's typical guy was more uhm...forceful. Maybe I should say more confident. But the two of you just blossomed. 

The next thing I knew you were going into business for yourself, and my little Aubrey clearly loved you and was settling in to make a nice home for you and my grandkids...whenever the two of you get around to giving me some...any time now would be good...the two of you love each other, Jake. Look at you, you're running around on emotion and Aubrey is in the hospital. The two of you not being together isn't good for anyone concerned."

"Way to go Mom," I thought. "Set him up for me. I'll get my man back, yet." But her words weren't lost on me. She was also right. She'd distilled our lives down to a few simple sentences.

Maybe it was the fact that he seemed to be reacting to her words but I began to feel better. My mom had always had a way with Jake. Maybe it was because he'd lost his own parents at such an early age, but my mom seemed to be his mom too.

Then the nurse came back in. She spoke in that fake cheerful, pseudo professional manner that nurses portray. "You're the husband, right?" she asked. 




Should've Been



"Uh, I guess," said Jake. "At least I am for now." My mother shushed him.

"It figures," said the nurse. I got the idea that the bitch wanted to hit on my husband. Out of the corner of my eye I looked at him. And my shock grew. He'd cut his hair and he looked really good. But there was something off about him too. 

It took someone who loves him to see what it was. His smile was gone. The smile that I sometimes woke early in the morning just to see was gone. It was as if my wide eyed, fun loving little boy of a husband had matured and become cynical and suspicious over-night.

I vowed to somehow put him back to the way he was. 

"There's good news and bad news," said the nurse. "She's severely dehydrated and malnourished..."

"What's the good news?" asked my mom.

"I thought that was the good news," quipped Jake. My mother elbowed him.

"She's pregnant," said the nurse. "With everything that's going on in her body whatever she found out this morning just overwhelmed her and she fainted. She'll be fine. She just needs some TLC." The nurse looked right at Jake as she said that. 

"I guess I could hire someone to look after her," said Jake.

"That's not what she needs and you know it," said my mom. "You need to get your ass home, Jake. You being away from her made her sick. Don't you want a healthy child?"

"It's probably not even mine," he said. Anger pooled in me and gave me strength.

"Are you out of your fucking mind," I screamed. "Of course it's yours. Who else would I have a baby with? I love you, stupid. I've made mistakes, but you have to know how I feel about you Jake."

"When can she come home?" he asked the nurse. 

"She needs to stay here for a few hours for observation. And she needs an appointment with an obstetrician," said the nurse. "But she'll probably be out of here by mid afternoon."

"Mom can you stay with her and bring her home?" he asked. "I have a few things to take care of."

My mother tilted her head and looked at him. "I'm going to check out of the hotel and get my stuff. Then I have to go for a meeting with my lawyer," he said. "But I should be at the house by three or four."

"I'll see you at home, Honey," I said. I couldn't stop smiling. I was pregnant. It really hadn't been planned. I was on the pill. But it wasn't exactly fool proof. I tried to get up and found that my legs were still very weak.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" asked the nurse. 

"I have to get ready for when Jake gets home," I smiled. 

It was over four hours before I saw him again. It felt more like four years. I had to see doctors and make appointments with other doctors. I had to eat to get my strength up. It was almost as if they were just trying to keep us apart. My mother was absolutely no help. 

"He loves you Aubrey," she said. "You can tell that by the divorce settlement. Even after you cheated on him..."

"Who told you?" I asked.

"I'm old," she said. "I'm not stupid. Jake loves you more than he loves breathing, but suddenly he just walks away from you. And he does it so suddenly that he doesn't even pack. He finds out that you're pregnant and he isn't even sure it's his. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. But deep down inside I'm hoping that you are a rocket scientist or a witch, because I'm pretty sure that if that baby isn't his, he's gone, Aubrey."

"I became a little afraid then, because I had figured out that my plan B, the idea of just divorcing Jake would no longer work for me. I couldn't believe it but I really did love the man. I just didn't want to have to try living without him."

As mom drove me home, my phone rang. "Aubrey, are you and Jake getting a divorce?" asked Steven in a shrill voice. 

"I'm not sure," I said. "If there's anything I can do to prevent it I will."

"I'm not so lucky," he said. "Jake had me served. He's suing me for my part in destroying your marriage. My lawyer tells me that Jake probably doesn't expect to get any kind of damages out of this, but he's trying to ruin me. I got lucky. I was home and I was the one who got served. I told Carlie that it was a malpractice suit from the old hospital. I told her it wasn't one of my cases but that I had consulted on it. She bought it. But if Jake doesn't drop this, she'll find out and my marriage will go down the tubes. It could also affect me with the Medical ethics board. I could lose my license to practice. Aubrey, when Jake hired me I'd had several uhm...workplace improprieties. I'd been fired twice. You being the wife of a coworker would be a third. If this goes to court and into the public record, my career is over. You have to do something to help me. If you don't, I'll have to burn you to help myself. I'll sit down with Jake and in exchange for him not suing me, I'll tell him about you and that I wasn't your first time cheating on him. I hate to make threats but my life is on the line here." I hung up on him.

Before she left, my mother made me soup and watched me eat it. "How many times have you cheated on him?" she asked me suddenly. I looked at her crazily.

"Only the one..." I began.

"Aubrey, you're a monster," she said shaking her head. "You really need to turn the volume down on your cell phone. I heard everything that guy told you while I drove you home. He said that he wasn't the first time you cheated on Jake. And he sounded like such a jerk that I really hope he isn't the father of my grandchild. That would be bad for all of us. That guy is already married isn't he? Does he have any kids already?"

"Two," I said.

"So if it's his baby, everyone suffers except Jake. If it's Jake's baby, everyone gets a pass, except Jake."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"If Jake is the father, he won't leave his child. He'll be stuck with you just so he can make sure his child grows up okay. If Jake isn't the father, he can get out of this. He can move on with his life and find someone less toxic. But my grandchild will grow up with a father who isn't worth a God damn and a mother who's..."

"Mother I think you should leave," I yelled. "I didn't mean to hurt Jake. I love him."

"Aubrey, do you even know what love is?" she asked as she left.

After she left I thought a lot about what she had said. I say there on the sofa and waited happily for Jake. I got bored waiting so I went outside and sat on the steps while I waited I looked at my watch. It was three thirty. I began to get nervous. He'd said he'd be here by three or four. 

Fred Mertz walked by and waved.

"You're okay huh?" he asked. 

"Yeah but my breasts are sore," I said. It looked like he choked on something.

"So uh...why are you just sitting there?" he asked. 

"Jake will be home any second," I said. He turned as white as a ghost and ran into his house.

About ten minutes later a car pulled into our driveway. It was a mean looking car. Almost every detail on the car was black. The driver turned off his engine and Jake got out. 

He looked at me. I smiled at him, but he didn't smile back. He walked toward me slowly as if he was walking toward the gallows as the guest of honor.

"Welcome home, Honey," I said. "I..."

"Aubrey, just save it," he said. He walked right past me and into the house. He went upstairs and into our bedroom. I followed him. When I went into the room he was sitting on the bed. He watched me as I came into the room. I started to unbutton my blouse and he looked at me strangely.

"What are you doing?" he asked. 

"I...I thought that you might..." I stuttered.

"I was just sitting here trying to figure out what to do about my clothes," he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I have so many suits and so much crap in here that moving all of it to another room would take forever," he said. "Then I thought that since you're home most of the time and you're the one who destroyed us. Maybe it would be fair for you to move to another room. But then I realized that since you're pregnant, the right thing would be for me to move. I'm just dreading it," he explained.

"Maybe it's not dread," I said. "Maybe it's common sense. Jake we're married. We're supposed to sleep together. We're supposed to BE together. We just need to fix things between us. I know it's going to take time. But it will go a lot smoother, if we just go with it and try to put this behind us. I swear that I love you and I will never betray you again. Can you really look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love me?"

"Aubrey, it's like that Joan Jett song," he said. "I hate myself for loving you."

"We need to come to terms with what has happened," he continued. "We need to be honest with each other. Yes I still love you with every fiber of my being. But at the same time you hurt me worse than anyone ever has and I don't want to be anywhere near you. My plan was to divorce you and either, move my business to another state, or to sell it outright and start all over somewhere else." 

My mouth dropped open in shock. I hadn't realized that he'd given this whole thing that much thought. In my entire life I had never met a man who literally didn't want me around him. And just my luck it had to be the one man I really wanted to be around.

"Come on Aubrey, we're still young. We're not even thirty. Nothing is chiseled on stone yet," he said. "It's really not too late for either one of us to start over. I can take some time and find a woman who actually wants to be with me. I can start a new life and have children of my own," he told me. His face was completely serious, he was not joking or baiting me. "And you'd be free to do whatever it is that you want to do. You could find a guy that's more to your liking. You know, like your mother said, someone more forceful and confident."

I crossed the floor in a heartbeat and slapped him. "My mother doesn't know shit," I said. "The conversation you had with her had so many holes in it that it may as well have been a doughnut shop." I paused because I really needed to calm down and catch my breath.

"Jake, she told you that I was usually with some guy who was more forceful. In the first place they were just guys that wanted to fuck me, and that was it. Once they got what they wanted it was done. That's why she told you with her own lips that I never brought a single one of those guys home. Not one. You were the first man I ever brought home to meet my parents. And you're the only one. You're also the only one I ever moved in with. And Jake, as God is my witness you are the only person I have ever loved. And that includes my parents. You are the only person that I feel any type of connection with. I don't know why. Maybe I'm broken, but it's the truth."

I noticed then that some of his anger seemed to recede.

"The next thing you're wrong about is your baby. Jake, this child is growing in my body and I swear to you that it's yours. You're the only person I have ever had sex with without a condom...EVER."

That part was actually true. "I know that you don't want to be here. You hate me. Or you love me but you don't want to be with me anymore. I can understand that. I hate myself for what I did to us too. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Jake. And this is your child. Can we make a deal? The second the baby is born we'll get a DNA test. If the baby is yours, we work things out. If it's not yours I'll sign your divorce papers on the spot or better yet, I'll just walk out of your life and you'll never see me again. But until then, can we just try to get along for the sake of the baby?"

He nodded. And it seemed like more of the anger dissipated. "I'm exhausted," I said. "Can we take a nap?" 

I had stepped of far then and most of his anger was back.

"I agreed to your deal," he said sharply. "I'll stay here. I'll buy you whatever you need for the baby. I'll take you to doctor's appointments and do whatever else I have to do to make sure everything goes well. I'll be civil. I'll even be nice to you because children, even unborn ones can sense those things. But that's it. We won't be doing anything else together."

And he meant it. All I had to do was ask and he did or bought me anything I needed. He was kind. He was considerate. He was great. But he wasn't my husband. The love was gone. There were times when I could tell he wanted to tell me something, but then the moment passed and he went vacant again. 

There were even times when he came home from work and ran to tell me about his day. He'd grab me and take me in his arms and then...a blank look would come over his face. 

"Sorry, I forgot. We're not like that anymore," he said. It hurt so badly. I deserved it though. I was the one who did this to him.

As my belly grew and my body changed and became bloated and fat, I lost it for a while. It's like when a guy who is really fast gets hurt and isn't fast anymore. He always wonders if he'll still be fast when he heals. All my life, all I had was that I was pretty or sexy. Some women never got their bodies back after a pregnancy. I started to feel really bad about myself.

Jake even managed to ruin that. He was rubbing my belly with cocoa butter to make sure I wouldn't have stretch marks after the baby was born. 

"Well you don't have to worry about me cheating on you anymore," I said. "I'm so bloated and fat that no one would want me." He just burst out laughing.

"Aubrey you're even sexier now," he said. I relaxed and let his fingers rub my tummy. It felt so good. "It's taking everything I have right now to keep me from letting my finger do the walking about three inches further down. And it wouldn't just be my fingers. And good Lord your boobs were always incredible, but now...I could suck on those puppies forever."

As he continued rubbing his hands probed my tummy lower and lower. I was always horny while I was pregnant but he was driving me wild. His fingers and his words were like a two pronged attack. 

"Sometimes it's all I can do not to just..." he paused.

"Just what?" I asked. "Jake, tell me."

I noticed then that we were leaning towards each other and we were so close that only a few inches separated our faces. My hand was no longer at my side. It was on his leg slowly moving upwards. I grabbed his free hand and moved it to my breast. 

My nipples were like bullets. Only my wet panties separated us. 

Then he sat up suddenly and moved away from me.

"Sorry," he said suddenly. "Even though that asshole did it to me, I won't do it to him."

"Jake, what the fuck are you talking about?" I hissed. 

"Aubrey, when the baby is born, Steve's divorce should be over and the three of you can be together. And I'll..."

"Jake, shut the fuck up," I said. "There is no possible scenario where I end up with Steve."

"Well..." he said.

"Well Hell," I said. "Jake, I fucked up. We all know it. But I love you and only you. I'm about to be perfectly honest with you here. I'm probably going to be a really shitty mother. I'm going to need to have you around when this baby is born. If it's your child and I am a hundred percent sure that it is...I know you, Jake. You're going to want to be in your child's life. And Jake I want you there. I don't belong with Steve or anyone except you. I'm yours Jake. I always have been and I always will be. So whatever you were thinking about doing to me, I wish you would. I miss you Jake. I miss having you beside me when I sleep. I miss waking up in your arms more than anything. And I miss having sex with you Jake. But more than anything else I miss your smile. And I miss the look in your eyes that you always got whenever you saw me. You always made me feel so special. I didn't feel like a trophy or a piece of ass with you. And you always made me feel so God damned special."

"Will you do one more thing for me?" I asked him. He nodded. 

"Jake can I sleep with you tonight?" I pleaded with him. "No sex, I promise. I just want to feel you next to me."

I woke up in the middle of the night with the sound of Jake's breathing in my ear. It was a comforting sound and I felt loved. His arms were wrapped around me with one cupping my left boob and the other between my legs. I could feel his dick against my ass and I was hornier than I'd ever been in life. I knew that if I did anything stupid, he'd never let me this close to him again. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep with the biggest smile on my face. 

Things were awkward in the morning. He woke up and started trying to gently move his fingers. I clamped my hand down on them. "Your hands have been in me and on me all night," I said. "Why move them now?"

"Aubrey, I'm so sorry," he said. "I knew this was a bad idea."

"The only bad idea is us going without sex," I said. 

"Well, I'll be heading off to work soon," he said. "Maybe you can get someone to come over."

I knew that it was only his pain and jealously talking so I let it go. 

That night after dinner, I showed up in the room with him again. From then on we slept together. I considered it a landmark of progress and a sign that eventually things would go my way. 

When our baby was born, Jake was there the whole time. He held my hand through it all and he saw the baby before I did. 

As soon as they cut the cord, a doctor came over and stuck a swab in Jake's mouth. It took three days for us to get the results. Since they sent me and the baby home twenty four hours after the birth, I had to go back to the hospital to get the results. Jake offered to go alone since I was still pretty weak but I insisted on being there. 

Jake had a surprise for me though. As we showed up at the doctor's office, Steve was there. He looked like hell. He spoke to me briefly while Jake stepped out of the room to take a phone call.

"I'm only here because Jake promised to drop his suit against me," he said. "I hope you're happy."

"What are you talking about Steve?" I asked. 

"My wife divorced me. She barely allows me to see my kids. I'm working as a med tech in a factory. I live in a basement efficiency apartment. You ended up back with Jake. How the hell is that fair?" he asked.

"Steve, Jake and I are only together for the baby. If my child turns out to be yours, my life will be over. I haven't had sex since he caught you and me together. I have to rub myself against him every night and he won't make love to me. He's different, Steve. We ruined him."

Jake came back in the room just as the doctor sat down. "Mr. Adama," said the doctor. "I have some terrible news for you."

"I expected it," said Jake. "Good luck Steve." he was almost smiling as he got up.

"What I meant," said the doctor. "Is that you're going to have a lot of responsibility over the next 18 years or so. Your freedom is gone Mr. Adama. You're a father."

Jake was shocked. His jaw dropped open and his smile actually burst out in a way that I hadn't seen it in a long time. I was so happy I jumped. I nearly split my stitches, but I didn't care. 

Make took time off from work to be with me and the baby. For the first two months after the baby was born I wasn't allowed to have sex. It was a little longer than normal but I had a few problems after the delivery. The good thing was that my body came back quickly. I was looking forward to reuniting physically with my husband. And the day that the doctor cleared me, I attacked. 

Jake was in bed after I'd put JJ to sleep. I walked into our room and stripped off my robe. I lifted the comforter and threw my leg over Jake. I dangled my breasts over him as I rubbed my wet pussy over his abdomen. 

He just looked at me. "What are you doing?" he asked. 

"The doctor cleared me today," I said. 

"Well if you want to go out, I'll watch JJ," he said.

"I guess I just thought...I love you Jake," I said through my tears. It took me a while to get over that night. And I think that Jake knew it too. He was extra sweet to me after that. 




Should've Been



"Jake my birthday is coming up," I told him one morning. "Were you planning on getting me a present?"

"I'll buy you anything you want Aubrey," he said. "It doesn't have to be your birthday."

"You have two choices," I said. "I want either, one night of you making love to me all night, like we used to, or three months of marriage counseling."

I guess I should have been hurt, but as we sat down in the therapist's office, I felt like it might help us. 

The first two sessions were spent getting us to feel comfortable and safe in the office. The next week we started out with honesty. The therapist had warned us that the truth sometimes hurt, but we had to get all of those feelings out in order to get past them. 

Jake started first. He told us everything he had ever felt from the very first time he saw me until my fuck up. Some of the things he said I had never known. It really opens your eyes when someone says that you're the reason they do everything. I had been so much more than a wife to Jake. I always knew that he loved me, but he made it clear exactly how he'd always felt about me. Then he talked about how he felt now. He talked about how beautiful he still found me. And he talked about how I was even sexier since having our son. He was brutally honest when he talked about wanting to blow my belly up again. Hearing him talk about got me so worked up that I swear I'd have let him fuck me right there on the floor of that office if he wanted to. 

"So is that what the two of you will do when you get home?" asked the doctor.

"Of course not," said Jake.

"And why not," asked the doctor. 

"We're not like that anymore," said Jake.

"So you don't love her anymore, then?" asked the doctor. Jake looked out the window. "It's fine you can be honest, here. Maybe we can explain why you stopped loving your wife. Is it because she had sex with another man or is there some other reason?"

Jake spoke so low that we almost didn't hear him. "What was that?" asked the doctor. 

"I said I still love her," mumbled Jake. "But, she isn't mine anymore." 

At that point I couldn't hold back my tears anymore and I ran out. Back at home, Jake came in while I rocked his son to sleep. 

"I'm sorry," he said. "I thought that I was supposed to be honest."

"Jake, it's not your honesty that hurts me," I said. "I know what I did to us...to you most of all, but you have to understand. Whether you believe me or not, I AM yours. I'm just as much yours as this baby or that evil looking car. Why the hell do you think I've gone without sex for more than a year? I made my mistakes and I won't repeat them, EVER."

The next week was my turn for total honesty. And I told the truth. I told them about how broken I was and now disconnected. When we first met Jake, I knew there was something different about you. I told them everything almost...I left out the other times that I had sex with other men before I was caught. It wouldn't make Jake feel any better and since I was never going to do it again, they didn't matter. I told him about my trysts with Steve and how I came to discover that I did have love in my heart for one person.

I thought that my story would explain to him now much I loved him and why what had happened could never happen again. But who the fuck can figure men out. When I was done, I expected him to understand me more, but I was wrong. My honesty was my undoing.

"You lied to me for all of those years," he said. "Every time you said it was a lie. For years when we made love and I bared my heart to you, you were lying to me. Every time you sent me off to work and kissed me goodbye and told me you loved me, thousands of them. They were all lies. When we stood in front of God and all of our friends and you swore to be faithful to me, you lied. Every God damned day before your great epiphany, you lied to me. You looked me in the eye and smiled at me while telling me lies."

"Honey you're taking this all wrong," I said. "You're the first and only person I've ever loved."

"How do I know that you're not lying now? He asked.

Things got really bad after that. We didn't even sleep together. Jake woke up early and left before I awoke most mornings. He stayed out long after he got off work. He came in just in time to put JJ to bed and then went to bed himself. 

Finally one evening I took the baby from his arms and he shook his head. "The three of you would have been good together," he said. 

"How?" I asked. "...Your son and I being with that asshole would not have been good. He would have run out on us. JJ is your son, Jake. He isn't Steve's."

"He should've been," he said. Then he handed me the divorce papers and walked out of the house. I guess he'd been working on it again ever since my day of honesty. And looking back on it, I can't say that I blamed him. Jake being truly honest with me yielded the fact that he loved me even more than I ever thought. For the past two years he'd been tearing himself apart. He was unable to reconcile the fact that he still loved me with the fact that I had lied to him again and again. My day of honesty had given him only more bad news, especially the fact that I never really loved him until it was too late. 

Being with me was killing him. Being without him would slowly kill me. But I really do love him, so I let him go. I didn't have to ask him for anything in the divorce. He was very generous. But every day I died a little bit. 

I gave him joint custody and allowed him to come and pick up JJ any time he wanted. My hope was that in time he would come to want me back. I continued seeing a therapist. I had a lot of issues to work out, but in the end there was nothing he could do for me. I was simply unable to care for anyone other than Jake.

I got myself a really good vibrator and gave it regular workouts. I also kept on touch with Brenda. She told me that Jake was working way too hard and way too long but he had nothing else in his life. He lived for those afternoons with our son. He wasn't dating anyone or seeing anyone. In Brenda's opinion he was slowly dying. 

I decided to do the most selfless thing I could do for him. I arranged for a chance meeting with a really nice woman. She was about my age and while she wasn't me, she was really pretty and really innocent. No games for her. We set her up as a friend of Brenda's who'd stopped by to go to lunch with her.

My heart broke on the day that it happened. It's been said that any decent looking woman can get any man she wants. Well Erica took one look at Jake and Brenda was sure that Erica wanted Jake. He didn't give her a second look. When she upped her game from innocent seeming flirting to a full court press, he dropped the hammer on her. He told her flat out that while he appreciated the attention, he wasn't interested.

So that brings me to where we started. The man I love more than anyone also loves me. Neither one of us can or will be happy with anyone else. I just need for him to forgive me and give me one more chance. 

"So, Jake, how about a weekend getaway with your ex?" I asked.

"Thanks for the offer," he said politely. "But I have plans."

"I'm sure," I said. "Another night alone watching TV for both of us, right?" 

"Aubrey, you're young, you're beautiful. Go out and find someone. We're divorced."

He got into that car of his and drove away. A single tear rolled down my cheek for my sad little story. I love him. He loves me, but we just can't seem to get together.

* * * * * *

Jake

As I pulled away from the house, I felt a pang of regret. I loved her so much. I always had. And from the look in her eyes, maybe she did love me. The saddest thing was that neither one of us was happy without the other. I wish I could figure out what it was that kept us apart.

When I got to the freeway, thoughts of my emotional problems faded in the face of concentrating on weaving in and out of traffic. Then, I saw it up ahead. That red Camaro and this time I didn't have my son in the car. My heavy right foot dropped and I jerked the wheel to the left and in seconds I was next to the Camaro. 

The guy saw me and hit the gas. We both lurched forward. The needle on my speedometer ticked around the circle. One hundred, one twenty, one thirty and the Camaro fell back. At one forty I was clear and moving on with the Camaro claiming the spot in my rearview mirror that was permanently reserved for losers. The guy flashed his headlights and we pulled off of the freeway.

I pulled into the parking lot of a crowded restaurant. I was too smart to meet some guy I didn't know in a place that wasn't very public. As he pulled up the tinted window on the driver side came down a bit so he could get a good look at me and then the door opened. 

"Nice race," I said. "What did I win?" 

"Whatever you want Mr. Adama. But how about a date first?" she said. I recognized her instantly. It was the tall lanky police detective.

"Police woman by day, street racer by night, right?" I laughed.

"A girl has to have some way to let off steam," she smiled. I heard you finally divorced that crazy bitch you were married to," she said. "So how about we meet here tomorrow night?"

"Okay," I said. "Why not?"

As the next day passed I found myself looking forward to going out. I was looking forward to just spending some time with someone, anyone. After work I got into my car and drove to the restaurant. As soon as she pulled up, I saw her out of the window. She looked great when she walked in and sat down. Every guy in the place was staring at her. I knew what I needed to do as soon as she sat across from me.

We chatted for a while, but I had to get out of there. I wasn't where I was supposed to be. I bought her dinner and thanked her for her time, and then I got out of there. 

Ten minutes later I was knocking on a door. As soon as she saw me in the peephole the door opened. 

"Hi, Honey, sorry but he's asleep. You want to come in and look at him. I watch him sleep all the time. He breathes like you do while he's asleep. I grabbed her and kissed her. She didn't offer any resistance. I opened her robe and lifted the cups of her bra off of those incredible breasts. 

She pulled her own panties down and lay back on the couch. She wrapped her legs around my waist and started moaning before I got my pants off.

Our flesh melted together like we were two parts of the same being that had been separated for too long. The funny thing was that she didn't ask me anything about what had happened. After we were done she kept herself wrapped around me as if she was afraid I'd disappear. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled the blankets over us. 

"Are you staying for a while?" she asked. "Or is this just a drive-by fucking?" I sighed.

"Jake it's okay with me either way," she said. "Whatever you want is fine. I'm just so glad you're here." That was when I noticed that she was crying. 

"Aubrey, why are you crying?" I asked. 

"I'm just so happy you're here," she said. "I'll take whatever I can get."

"Aubrey, I love you," I said. 

"I know that stupid," she said cuddling even harder against me. "And I love you too. Maybe it took me longer, but I needed you to teach me how. And I'll wait for you forever."

"Okay, we can talk about it in the morning," I said. 

"You're spending the night with me?" she asked excitedly.

"No, I'm spending forever with you," I said yawning. She hugged me even more and for a few minutes nothing was said. 

"Jake?" she asked.

"I know it's your first night back and all..." she said.

"Mm Hm..." I replied.

"Can we do it again?"

This time we lived happily ever after.

The end