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Old College Flame

By: Deez1



Attention: No sex in this chapter, but next chapter will be a tad bit steamy!

*****

The starry night that's painted on my room ceiling gives me some solace. I sigh as loneliness sets in again. Another night of just laying here. I turn over rolling over to the cold empty side of my bed, the moon light streaming into the room shining down on me, accusing me of god knows what.

I could have went out and found a man to help with these lonely nights. Being a gay man though sometimes is harder than most think. Being successful and black also makes it that much harder to be gay. In my profession being gay is okay but am I ready to be out?

Turning to the other side of my bed, my mind swirled round and round with thoughts, the walls glared down at me telling me to get over myself. I have pictures of my family laughing and having fun. Those joyous times haunt me. My family is amazing but it's the, me in the pictures that are haunting. My brown skin glistening brightly on my 6' tall frame. Lean muscles showing through my shirt and that wide, forced smile slathered across my face. Looking at the pictures now, it's clear to see that, that smile didn't reach the feelings trapped within my light brown eyes. That lost empty feeling, hidden in the darkness and locked away from the world ready to burst free. It makes me wonder does anyone else see it. 

The time on my clock blinks 4:00 a.m. Sighing I close my eyes willing myself to sleep. I let go of my anguish and just let sleeps arm wrap themselves around me. Heavy eye lids close and my last thought is lonely. 

Beep.Beep

Beep 

Beep.Beep 

Beep

Jolting awake from my dreamless slumber I hit the off button on my alarm clock. Through a blurring sleep filled vision, my eyes caught the angery red glare of the 7:00 a.m. staring me in the face, bidding me to get my ass out of bed and get a move on life. With a large yawn, I swing my legs around planting my feet on the cold hardwood floor and with a groan I get up to prepare myself for another meaningless day. 

I slide out of my pajama bottoms and try to use the bathroom. My morning wood triumphs over my basic need. I turn on the shower to let the steam rise and fill my bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror and my eyes as always are empty and lifeless. I wonder when will I be happy, when will I own up to who I really am. 

I take care of my morning ritual and get dressed. I put on my grey suit with the white cotton shirt. Putting on my pants one leg at a time robotic like I forget to put on my briefs. I continue dressing wondering what difference it would make. 

Another robotic day. I should by a motorcycle or maybe backpack through Europe. Get some excitement back into my life. Right now the only exciting thing about me is my shoe and tie collection. Years of buying different shoes and ties to match does become mind numbing and a bit of a thrill. I grab my black dress shoes and pick up two random ties. This is all of the joy I am going to have today. 

Checking myself in the mirror I hold out the ties and I have grey and steel blue or red. Faintly smiling at my grey tie I choose that one. Tying the tie it brings back wonderful college memories. 

Before I can go down memory lane my phone goes off. 

"Ryan James speaking."

"Ryan you have to come in RIGHT NOW!"

My father yells this into my ear as if I wouldn't hear him if he didn't. I start to panic when I realize that it's a useless emotion. 

"Okay dad calm down I'll be there in 30." I rush through my apartment grabbing a cold bagel, my keys, briefcase, and file folders. I hop into my car and race to the company. 

My father greets me and if he could turn into a tomato he would. I looked at and dread washed over me. 

Before I can say anything he looks at me anxiously "we are going to lose the biggest account if you don't fix it." The dread comes in bigger waves and I wonder what happened to make this solid deal fall through. 

I walk through the company doors pass security and am rushed into the conference room where my heart stops and my world falls from beneath me. 

*****

Leave comments and vote. Tell me what you think. I am first time writer so any POSITIVE criticism is welcome.

xo- D

Old College Flame Ch. 01: Flashback



Attention: This is a flashback story sooo yay!

*****

The day was August 24, 2007, and my family and I were having one last meal together. My father was so proud of that it come off in waves. My mother couldn't stop crying, my older brother was beaming, and my younger sister was pouting. 

My brother Richard James III and I were always close. He didn't expect much from me but he set the bar of success really high. He's a heart surgeon and my father was beyond proud of his eldest name bearer. My brother wanted me to follow in his footsteps but the family business had always been my dream. 

My dad Richard James II was so proud of my brother. I wanted in on what seemed like a wonderful feeling of acceptance. When I said that I wanted to be in the business one day I finally got to feel what my brother felt when dad was proud. My dad let me know numerous times that the company would be mine when I got my degree. Dad was ok letting me go but he knew I'd come back. I'd always come back.

My mother Christi had the hardest time letting go. In her eyes I was still her little baby boy. She would have been proud of me no matter what I did. I knew she would have gladly been happy if I stayed home but I had to leave. 

My baby sister Ruth or Roo as I called her. I was two when she was born so her name came out as Roo and it's stuck all these years. My brother and I were close but Roo and I were closer. Roo and I just had a special bond. She knew all of my secrets, lies, and could read me like a book. And with me it was the same with her, like we had an extra sense for just the two of us. I knew coming to NYU was a huge move but I needed to leave and she knew that. We were each other's safety blankets and I was leaving her. The look on her face when I said I was moving away tore my heart to pieces. 

I was sitting there very anxious. I couldn't wait to meet my roommate and just start living my life. I was looking around the table at my family. The people who had my back and made me feel so loved. I wanted more than anything to spill my guts to them but I didn't. Instead I stood up glass in hand and said "A toast to family, love, and new chapters." 

The sound of clanking glasses and laughter erupted from our table. Even Roo was participating in conversation. After eating and we went back to my dorm hall. We all piled out of our car and hugged each other and were saying bye. 

Roo took me to the side and said "I know why you are leaving but if you just tell them, they'd be okay with it." The honesty that shone in her eyes made me choke up. She knew but she never said my secret out loud but she knew and I was ok with that. 

With a soft and thankful smile, I leaned down and gave Roo another hug and a tender loving kiss on the forehead before letting her go join the rest of the family. I stood back, digging my hands deep into my pockets, and watched as my family piled into the car getting ready to leave me behind for my new life. From the review mirror of the passenger side of the car I could see my mom hunched over, her hands hiding the reason her body shook and trembled, Roo's face twisted up in despair as she looked out the back window at me, pressing her hand to the glass as we had done whenever we would separate for little things like camping trips. I wanted to stop them as they were leaving but I knew that this was where I needed to be, this was no camping trip. This was the real deal. 

The wind picked up and something dark settled into my chest. I felt like a dummy. Letting my secrets pile up but what else could I do. All around me I could see people still moving, saying bye, or meeting up. Seeing these people be happy hit me like an eighteen wheeler. I am alone. Truly and utterly alone here. 

I had made it to the foyer of the hall and decided against the stairs. The humming of the elevator keeps my thoughts company. I stepped out the elevator and looked at the door numbers. I counted down from 121, 120, 119, 118. Good ol'118 setting my sights upon my door it was ajar, a little old lady came out of my room. 

"Hi mam, my name is Ryan James"

She just stared at me and smile broke out across her face. I just stood there smiling back at her when she yelled into the room. 

"Jo, Jo get outchea boy. Come on I done found you a man." Her southern drawl made me smile. Her eyes danced with amusement as she continued to look at me.

If my skin could show a deep blush it would have. She couldn't know, could she? In the midst of my thoughts 'Jo' came out of the room. I turned my eyes from this fiery little lady and turned them to the guy who would be sharing my room. 

When I saw him my heart stopped. In that moment something cliché happened, time stood still. His caramel skin smooth over his 6 foot frame. Those intoxicating green eyes stole my, breathe and sent my heart into overdrive. 

I tore my eyes from his body and time moved again. He stuck his hand out for me to shake. As soon as our fingers touched, BOOM the electricity hit and I flinched. I took his hand in mine reveling in how soft but firm his hand was. 

"Hi my name is Jonah Burns and this here is my memaw Ma Bell. Please don't mind her. And Jo is a nickname I strongly dislike." Ma bell rolled her eyes at her grandson. 

"Oh it's fine, she seems really awesome. I understand the whole name thing my mom insists on calling bb. Stands for baby boy." The laugh that came from him was delicious and infectious. More people were filling into the hallway so Jonah and I went into the room while Ma Bell went to the restroom. 

I sat on my bed resting against the wall while he was still unpacking his things. 

My eyes followed him as he moved around our room. The way his body swayed, rocked, and moved had, me mesmerized. Fantasies started to materialize themselves. The way his hand felt in mine has me wondering what his hand would feel like...

"So where you from Ryan?" 

The trance was broken. Snapping back into reality.

"I am from a small town named Lewes, Delaware."

"Ahh I take it you're a city boy." A smile played on his lips. 

"Yea I am, where you from?"

"I am from Collinwood, Tennessee."

"So country boy I'm guessing"

He chuckled and I be damned if that wasn't the sexiest chuckle I ever heard. Before we could talk anymore Ma Bell burst into the room yelling down the hall "Yawl bet learn how ta hold yo liquor and I won't drink you under tha table." 

She turned to us and she saw me smiling at her and I knew I'd like her. She sat in my desk chair while Jonah sat across from us. She looked at me and with a mischievous smile she asked me "is you straight or is ya gay like my Jo here?" Jonah turned five different shades of red and it was too cute. 

I smiled at them to show them that I was okay with it. Really more than ok but no one has to know that. 

"I am straight mam and I don't care what team Jonah here bats for." I said with a small smile to let them know that it was from the heart. When I said that a look of disappointment flashed in his eyes. As fast as it came it was gone. 

"Well thanks memaw for that I guess. Hehe thanks Ryan."

"Hey no problem."

Ma bell sat there for minute like she wanted to say something but she didn't. She simply got up, grabbed her purse and her jacket. She grabbed Jonah by the hand and whispered something into his ear. She kissed him on the cheek "Bye Ryan nice meeting you." With that she was gone. 

"Is she going back to Tennessee?"

He laughed a hearty laugh, if I wasn't sitting I think my legs would have gave out. He fished out a hoodie and slipped it on. He grabbed his wallet, phone, and keys.

"No we bought a place here for her so I wouldn't be alone. Do you want to go the café for a late snack or something?"

"Oh cool and sure."

It was 7 at night and the café was considerably packed. He got a bunch of cookies, cake, a sandwich, and 3 cans of coke. I teased him about and we fell into light chatter as we both ate. I learned that he is an only child on his dad's side, his dad died when he was 10. His mom left him with his grandmother shortly after his dad died. She remarried and had a few kids.

I told him about my father and how I craved his acceptance. I didn't mean to tell him that, it slipped but he understood me. I told him about the other family members and their importance to me. Especially Roo's importance. 

We joked and then fell into a comfortable silence. We finished and went on our way to the room. In the elevator it got crowded and this was my downfall. People crowded in, I couldn't control it. I had to move closer and closer to him to make room. My hand grazed his and suddenly my heart sped up, my palms began to sweat, and my throat seemed to close. I looked at him and his eyes mirrored mine. Filled to the brim with desire. 

That moment stood still for me and I knew he would be the death of me. At a camp I had a soft romance with this one guy. The cliché story of two closet cases trying to cope. I thought what I felt was love but upon meeting Jonah I knew that I never loved him and would never love anyone the same. 

*****

Ok so I know I said that it would heat up but... I lied. Ahhhh I know how could I, do such a thing. But don't worry your pretty little faces, the story is just beginning. Stick with me. I'll do my best on this. Thanks! Also leave comments and positive criticism is always welcome. 

xo- D



Old College Flame Ch. 02



Attention: This is present. Also please bear with me if there are some mistakes. 

*****

That couldn't be him. No I'm losing my mind. This isn't happening. He is not here in my dad's company, sitting there, with that ugly ass smirk. 

The room is closing in on me, feeling as though someone put their hands on my throat. Blood rushing from body, my stomach hitting the floor, and my world crashing in on itself, I want to cry. 

I storm out of the conference room. I go into my office and slam my door shut. The numbing sensation spreading all over my body. I need a drink. 

"Yelena could you please bring me the scotch." I yell it into the intercom. Why was he here? I thought he went back to Tennessee. Seeing him my started breaking my heart even more. The pain of the past creeping back up, encasing me in a cocoon of excruciating pain. 

Yelena brought two glasses and the decanter in to me. She set down the glasses to begin pouring us a drink. When she gave me my drink I tossed it back, she quietly sips hers. Yelena sits down and studies me. She pours me another drink but holds it hostage. 

"Before you drink yourself into a stupor tell me why." Her accusing tone hurt me. Drinking is my biggest down fall and greatest friend. The desperate look in her eyes broke my heart and resolve. 

"Ok do you remember that...?"

A knock on the door stops memory lane. There he stood, in my door way. She stood up and blushes. Ha Ha she's fucking blushing because of this guy. Pfft.

"You don't have to be nice to him Yelena. You can go, though, but leave the scotch please." Her eyes, pleading with me to let her take it. I just grab the cup she held hostage and drank it. 

A sickening gorgeous smile appears on his lips. The glint in his eyes makes me want to slug him. 

"So is this how you treat all of your clients"

"Ha only the ones who deserve it." I lace my voice with so much venom I he flinches. 

"Well they told me to talk to you about my account here. If I would have known..." 

"Save it OKAY!" I didn't mean to yell it but it came out. My throat constricts, I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. 

"Look I like this company and I want my portfolio managed here."

"Fine, Jake will be lead on your portfolio so you should talk to him."

I flop into my desk chair deciding to drink from the bottle. I don't know or care if he left or stayed. In my chair turning to look out the window willing the tears to stay put, I was feeling the effects of the scotch. I heard my father's voice and I sat the decanter down and pulled myself together.

"Is everything ok in here?"

"Yes senior, Jake will be heading his account." Hoping the conviction is shown in my voice because I couldn't show it. 

"Ok Ryan, well Mr. Burns please follow me to Jakes office and we'll get you set-up."

"Ok and umm to both of you please stop calling me that, I am not Mr. Burns my father was. I am Jonah."

My father left expecting him to follow. Jonah hesitated but then he began following my father. I was left standing there with the pain beating my soul to a pulp while the pieces of my heart were being danced on. 

Yelena brought me pills and gum. She took the scotch, gave me a tender kiss on the head and disappeared. After that debacle my day settled down. 

My schedule had me weaving in and out or meetings with other clients but he was on my mind. When the day came to a close I was surprised that I didn't break. My last client and I were leaving the café on the first level of the company when we ran into him. I was polite but the client stayed and was flirting with him and jealousy reared its ugly head, making me want to punch him but I didn't. I just stood there as they exchanged numbers. 

Sending the client on his way, I was watching him. Wondering what Jonah was seeing in him. He was on the short side, a round face, and had an abundance of facial hair. Trying to wrap my head around this day and Jonah, I didn't feel him standing next to me. 

He chuckles "He has a nice ass, that's why I gave him my number."

He startled me from my daydream. Seeing him next to me, in my bubble, invading space I use to love to share with him made me physically sick. I left that spot, hoping he wouldn't follow me. 

Those hopes were dashed as he came striding into my office behind me and sat down. I let out a loud irritated sigh and didn't bother to hide my scowl. 

"So Ry how have you been since NYU"

My eyes flew from the paper to meet his gaze because I didn't believe what I was hearing. All of my energy was put into not to coming across the table and fucking him up. The strain in my voice apparent I said "How have I been, really, How have I FUCKING been. If you really wanna know I have been horrible, broken, shattered. You tore my heart to pieces and left me. That's how I've been. And don't you dare call me Ry you cunt" My shoulders sagging I could finally feel the weight of my emotions. 

"I am so sorry Ry... Ryan."

"Yea so am I. Leave"

"I am very sorry Ry. I hope you can forgive me." He sounded sincere but I don't care. He got up from the chair looking at me as though he truly missed me. Those intoxicating green eyes, still stole breathe from my lungs but I wouldn't let him know that. 

He left the room and I could finally breathe. 

"Yelena can you call Max for me and then you can go home." The intercom beeped off. She stormed into my office, red in the face looking as though she was going to combust. 

"You want to call... No, no, NO. I know I'm just a secretary, but hells no I will not clean up after Messy Max. Please, me and you can hang just please don't." tears are rolling down her face, her eyes fixed with desperation. I have put her through a lot with Max but right now I need him. 

I take her into my arms to soothe her and make her stop crying. She reminds me of Roo when she cries. 

"Hey it's okay just go. And you deserve a break and a raise. Haha take the week off ok."

She sniffles, trying to clear her sinuses. She wants to protest but she knows it's no good. 

"Fine but call me after." She gives me one last hug before leaving. I wait for the clicks of her heels to fade. I pick up my phone and call the one guy that knows my pain better than anybody.

*****

Hope that you guys enjoy! Please leave comments and positive criticism is always welcome!

xo- D



Old College Flame Ch. 02: Flashback



Attention: This story finally gets heated. I do understand that it may not be sensible what they do but... Oh well. I would like to thank my faithful readers. I know trying to read my stuff is like trying to talk to a duck. It's sometimes hard to understand and you want to quit talking or in this case stop reading. So please I beg you to just hang in there, tell me your opinions, and keep the positive criticism coming. 

*****

The first three months were a whirlwind. Classes, new friends, and the growing sexual tension between Jonah and I. I ignored it, I had too. Jonah and I were becoming closer. Our friendship was blooming into something amazing. We were a part of different clubs, had other friends, and had classes at different and odd times. That didn't matter because we always had time for one another. Sometimes whole weekends would be spent inside of our dorm room just enjoying each other's company without distractions. 

In those times I tried to keep my distance. When we hung out our bodies seemed to gravitate towards one another. We could be sitting on opposite ends of the couch in the beginning but by the end of the night I'd have my head in his lap. I tried to fight my feelings those three months. I tried so very damn hard to keep away from him but he just pulled me in. One word, laugh, or a lopsided smile and I was hooked. 

It was already time for a school break. It was the last Friday before thanksgiving break. I was still studying when something hit me in the face. I looked at Jonah who was acting nonchalant. I picked up the paper he threw and it read: 

Hey,

Are you gonna study the Friday away 

Or are we gonna watch a movie already! 

I closed my books, marked some pages, and folded his note. I got up from my desk and tackled him on his bed. 

"So we write notes now" 

I began to tickle him. He was trying to fight me off but I was too strong. He almost had the upper hand but I pinned his hands down above his head. I was straddling him to get a better advantage but when the struggling stopped I noticed just how green his eyes really are. My heart stopped dead in its tracks when I realized that our faces were close, too close. 

I jumped up from him and went to the movie case. 

I was just standing there absentmindedly looking at the case when I felt his breath on my neck. I became paralyzed when his hand found a home on my hip. His free hand moved to my face and I knew then. I'm doomed. I am beyond doomed. He's going to kiss me and all of the fighting will go down the drain. Do I even want to pretend anymore? Isn't he enough to come out? 

Time stopped and you could hear our breathing speed up. The affect he has on me made me dizzy. 

He grabbed my head and turned my body to face his. His caramel skin flowing with my brown skin, and I could hear India Aries song Brown Skin playing in my head. I felt faint smelling his cologne. I wanted to fight the feeling, I wanted to back away but this magnetic pull he has on me kept my feet planted. 

The hand on my hip moved and wrapped around my waist. Jonah's face was only inches from mine. All. I Had. To Do. Was... 

BANG, BANG!

I jumped back from him like he had hit me. We stared at each other knowing that the electricity that flowed between us was real. He saw me. He saw me and wanted me, right? This is too much. I need...

"OPEN UP IN THERE!" the playful voice on the other side belonged to a friend of Jonah's. He went to the door while I went back to find a movie. I was standing there I don't know how long when I heard Jonah speak. 

"So um Ry..." Yea he began calling me Ry which I hate but he gets a free pass like Roo. I turn my head so he knows I'm listening.

"Can Miguel stay with us and watch movies, his boyfriend just dumped him, and he really needs a friend, and a distraction please, please." He was rambling, asking me as if he needed my permission. I gave him a thumbs up to let him know I'm okay with it. 

Miguel came into the room, no he burst into the room like the diva he is. He couldn't contain the dramatics. 

"Oh guys" he whined "I cannot believe this. That dog, that, that, that hijo de puta, Yea he's a son of a bitch. Grrrrr" his hands were all over the place. I turned to get a better visual and of course he was pacing and calling his ex every name in the Spanish book. Miguel was wearing a bright yellow jacket with a purple shirt that fitted his body underneath. He took off the jacket in drama queen fashion and threw it on the ground. He huffed while flopping onto Jonah's bed. 

Jonah and I were amused as always because we knew in a weeks' time they'd get back together. Jonah sat on his bed against the wall. Miguel slid up and rested his head on his lap. I popped in the movie ratatouille crushed I wouldn't be able to be alone with Jonah. 

I got on the other side and let Miguel put his legs on me. We settled into comfortable silence as the movie began. 

Every so often I would look at Jonah. I was trying to figure out what I felt for him. Was it admiration, irritation, obsession or perhaps love? I am not a romantic. I don't wonder if he likes me. I don't fawn over another person especially a guy but Jonah was different. Maybe I could change for him.

My hand was resting on Miguel's leg when Jonah placed his hand on mine. 

The shock of electricity surprised me and the bold move he pulled did to. I just stared at our hands enjoying the feeling. I looked back up into those invigorating green eyes. I think in that moment was when I opened myself up. We didn't get to talk that night or the week before break. We needed to talk about the change of our friendship. 

Miguel was there a lot before break complaining about either home, his ex, or how different we were acting. Jonah and I brushed it off but the glances and smiles I think confirmed it for Miguel. I tried to talk to him before we left for break but when I got back from class Jonah was already gone. 

That Friday when I went home for thanksgiving things seemed strained. I tried to lighten the mood but they all just fought me and didn't want to enjoy the holiday. I asked Roo what the tension was about but she gave me the cold shoulder. My heart broke, no not even close, my soul broke into millions of pieces as she kept things from me and just stopped talking to the family and me altogether. I lasted until the day before thanksgiving. I couldn't take it. No one was speaking to each other and no one seemed to want me there. No one tried to stop me from leaving and that confirmed that I needed to go.

I called the one person who I could always count on. Jonah picked up on the first ring, when he answered I couldn't keep the hurt or tears from him. He and Ma Bell picked me up from the bus station. 

Ma Bell just grabbed me and held onto me. I cried onto her shoulder like a baby. I sobbed into her because my sister/best friend/confidant didn't want me anymore. I couldn't believe how Roo could hurt me like that. 

They took me in with ease. 

The day of thanksgiving was smooth. Ma Bell made turkey, fried chicken, ham, sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese, deviled eggs, and cabbage. 

If that wasn't enough she had Jonah make cornbread, gravy, and mashed potatoes. I made cranberry sauce as in I bought cranberry sauce. Ma Bell and Jonah missed home but they said that they enjoyed having me with them. I enjoyed them too. 

We ate like kings and queens. I was beyond stuffed with love, laughter, and food. It was the best thanksgiving yet. I had people around me who wanted me here. Who included me and that feeling was and is irreplaceable. 

Later that night I was helping with dishes. Jonah was washing, me drying. What a team we made. 

"Sooo, are yawl finally together." Ma Bell was at the small table that occupied a corner of the kitchen and just bluntly asked us. 

Stuttering "What, ha, psh no, he is just a friend and I told you I don't bat for that team."

When I said that I could have sworn I saw hurt flash across his face. 

Jonah scoffed "Yea, memaw just leave it alone he doesn't bat for my 'team'." 

He sat down the dish he was cleaning and took off. I was flabbergasted. I didn't know whether to go after him or finish the dishes or slump to the floor. Ma Bell made the decision for me. She took the dish towel from my hands and pushed me to go after him. 

I checked his bedroom, basement, hell even some closets. I was afraid I wasn't going to find him. I was losing Roo and Jonah within the same month. My heart was twisting its self in agony. I stopped and thought where would he go to get away and it came to me. 

They lived on some land not far from the city. It had a lake that Jonah loved. I knew he'd be there. I was walking then broke into a run. My heart was thumping in my chest with so many what ifs and maybes but there he was. He was just sitting there. 

"Oh my Jonah." I breathe a sigh of relief. I walked to him and sat down beside him. 

He turned to me "What is so bad about 'Bating' for my team. Aren't I enough?" I didn't know how to answer him but I understood. 

We sat a long time in silence before I spoke. The crickets giving us a music ambiance. The gentle wind howled as the moon shone over us. The grass tickled my hands as I played with. The lake moving ever so lightly with the wind. 

"There is nothing wrong with bating... I men being gay. Maybe someone is afraid to commit to it or maybe someone doesn't know the first step to accept this. I want..." I was looking deeply into his eyes trying to make him understand me. To see where I was coming from. 

Jonah placed a hand on my knee "What do you want Ry?" 

I breathlessly said "You." 

He laid on top of me and he smashed our lips together. They began dancing together. I was moaning as my hands roamed on his head. My legs wrapped around his waist. On the cold grass our clothes were coming off in a blur. It was like the flood gates of our emotions were opened. There wasn't sweet nothings or gentle kisses. He put my legs on his shoulder as he aimed his cock at my ass. When he pushed in I tried to relax and push out. 

"Ahhhh"

He grabbed my legs closer to his body for more leverage. Then pop. He was inside of me, filling me up with him and so much passion. A sigh of relief was I could manage. He went deeper and deeper until I could feel his balls rested against my crack. He started to move slightly. My hips rocking slightly to meet his. My legs fell to his sides and I grabbed him. I kissed him without abandon. I knew what I wanted and it was him. It would always be him. He would always be enough for me. 

Our moans mixing together was a sweet symphony to my ears. When I felt the familiar feeling rising in my balls. My stomach clenched as I begged him to fuck me harder. As the slapping sound increased. My body lost all control and I came all over the front of us.

My nails digging into his back as if he was my anchor to the earth. Pleasure waves hit me one after the other. My mouth sucking on the soft flesh of his collar bone. As I was coming down off my high I feel his teeth sink into the side of my neck. A few hard thrust was all it took and he filled me with his seed. 

We laid there in naked glory. I didn't care if anyone saw us. They could take a picture if they wanted. He was resting on his elbow on my left side looking at me. Once again the green eyes peered into my soul chasing away any doubt. He laid back with his hands behind his head. I laid my head on his chest searching for his heart beat. Right there in some country side of New York in his arms I fell completely, madly, and whole heartedly in love with him. I knew then no matter what, he would be more than enough. 

*****

Ahhh young love. The kind you see in movie or read in books. Well I hope that you guys liked this chapter. Umm I'm looking for an editor, if anyone is interested please contact me. So yea like always thanks for reading and pretty please leave comments and positive criticism is always welcome.

xo- D



Old College Flame Ch. 03



Attention: This chapter is bit dark. If you don't like whipping then this may not be for you. 

*****

Pulling into the car garage I know what I'm in for. I still get nervous when I do this but I'll get over it. I always do. Right now I wish that there was another way to feel better or to mend my mistakes. 

I take a deep breathe to steady my heart. Opening the car door, I can hear the blood rushing through my veins. My palms are beginning to sweat, my footsteps are getting louder echoing off the walls in the garage. I get to the elevator and it's starting to happen. The self-doubt and the dull ache of pain from years before.

The ding of the elevator makes me jump. I gulp getting into the elevator. The doors close when I push the button for his floor. My breathing is coming in short intervals and I see my reflection. I notice the creases forming in my forehead, and the laugh lines around my mouth. I look so old even though I'm only 26. 

The doors open and I step out. The habit in my legs leading me to his door. The déjà vu feeling settling into my bones as I stand there. Willing myself to leave, to listen to my head and not my damaged heart but like always I knock. 

He opens the door in jeans and t-shirt. He puts on his devilish smile ushering me in. I know the drill, Max knows the drill, and hell the guy who lets me into the parking garage knows the drill. 

I go into the room where it happens. There is plastic on the floor and walls. There is a small wooden table with cuffs attached to it. My inner self cringes knowing what is about to happen but my outer shell is blank devoid of emotion. 

Undressing like clockwork I fold my clothes one article at a time. I pick up the white bottoms he has laid out for me. Making sure that my things are put in their place I take a few more steading breathes. 

I turn to find Max standing there waiting. I go to the small wooden table and lay forward. My arms above my head are put into cuffs. Max testes the cuffs.

The room is sound proof. I turn my head to the side facing the door. It's closed, I sigh from the relief or maybe from anticipation. The door is a smooth brown color. Its thick frame gives me some comfort. I always love the way it feels. I sometimes run my hand across because the feel is comforting, grounding. 

"Ok, the safe word is red." He gives me the safe word but I never use it. 

I say yes out loud so that the agreement is acknowledged. I hear him behind me moving things around. My heart is beating fast, my mouth is going dry, and I flex my hands waiting for the first sting. 

I hear the whip hit the floor. My body involuntary shudders at the sound. When my body calms down I feel the sting before I can recognize the sound of the whip in the air. I yell out in pain. 

Whip.

"Ahhhh"

Whip.

"Ahhhh, gah"

Whip.

"Forgive me." I whisper these words after each hit. I ask for forgiveness for not being there for Roo, for giving in to my urges, for not being a good son, and for so many things I am always messing up. I want a different punishment but this is what I need to mend my sins. The tears are streaming down my face from the physical and emotional pain. I won't give in to the pain. I won't let myself become weak. I can feel the blood running down the side of my body. I am trying to keep track of the whips but it's not happening. The pain has become intense and my mind can't or won't keep up. 

Minutes, hours, maybe even days have gone by and my body aches. The sound has ceased and Max is taking the hand cuffs off of me. I move to rub my wrist when pain shoots down my back. It stings deep within my bones. I hear Max but I don't know if he left or came back. That thought is answered when he pours peroxide on my back and the new searing pain forms new tears in my eyes. 

Max leaves again, some time passes and I know that's my cue to leave. I gingerly pick myself up and put my pants on lazily my shirt hangs on my body buttoned but untucked. I can feel the blood begin to stain my shirt. With my jacket, shoes, and phone in hand I leave his check on the table by the door. 

I walk out letting the door close behind. I walk back to the elevator slowly but surely. When I get to the garage I unlock my phone. I dial Yelena's number. I hear her ring tone in the garage. I lean against the elevator frame, the pain coursing through my body. Yelena appears, I faintly smile. Yelena the ever diligent secretary and friend. 

She comes up to me with red eyes. I want to hold her but my arms aren't willing to cooperate. She puts my right arm around her shoulders. I wince in pain as we walk slowly to her car. Another déjà vu moment. 

"Oh mam please let me help." That voice. I know that silky baritone voice anywhere. He grabs my free arm and puts it around his shoulders

"Oh its ok I got it, this isn't my first rodeo." She's pissed. Enormously pissed. I lift my head to quip back.

"Sorry, I don't mean to drag you into this Yelena." She shakes her head and the guy finally looks at my face. His gasps echo out. 

"Ryan. Oh my...Ryan what happened to you." Ugh the concern in his voice sickens me. We reach Yelena's car and I hold myself up against the back. 

"Ryan who did this!?" I laugh a bitter laugh. Why should he care? 

"Jonah don't worry your pretty little head" 

Yelena comes back to me and delicately takes off my shirt. Jonah lets out a small but audible gasp. Yelena speaks to him. 

"Every time this one gets stressed..."

"Shut it Yelena he doesn't care nor does he need to know about my private life. He gave up the fuckin privilege years ago." Yelena keeps her mouth closed but I know tomorrow I'll feel her wrath. She opens her kit and starts to put the ointment on my lashes. With each stroke of the cotton swab I know she's growing impatient. She huffs out and turns to Jonah. 

n her thick Russian accent "He does this to himself, better yet he pays someone to do this. Every time he's upset, stressed, or just plain ol' bored he calls Max to help him." Now she's yelling and pacing behind me. I just want a drink and my bed. I don't say I just bite my lip and let her go on her tirade. 

"Every god damn time and here I am cleaning him up, mending his wounds, when he needs to mend the broke parts inside out and not the other way around tupitsa (dumbass in Russian)." Finally Yelena quiets, she comes back to me and finishes up. She puts bandages on my wounds and helps me put on a spare shirt she has for me. I keep my eyes trained on the floor trying to fight the tears forming. It's not from the pain in my back but from what she said. I know how broken inside I am. I have tried to fix me but there is no fixing. I'm just too fucked up to be helped. 

"Ummm...Yelena, how about I take it from here. I'll take him home and you can go get some rest." In the mirror I can see her Jonah. Her features have become soft and I know she's about to agree. I would rather a fiery poker be shoved through my pee hole than be stuck with him in a small space. 

Pushing myself off of her car I gingerly walk towards my car. 

The pain is shooting through my back, I fight through it. Jonah says something to Yelena and catches up to me. He just walks beside me. I take my keys from my pocket. Yelena rolls by and she waves through the window but just as quickly resumes driving. I see the tail end of the car and wish she just would have taken me home. 

"Please Ryan let me help you." He stands in front me and forces me to look up into his eyes. This is too familiar of a feeling. I shake my head and go to move around him. He blocks my path again. 

"Move Jonah. I just want a drink and my bed." My voice twists with pain.

"Please." I want to fight him on this but I'm not going to. I'm too tired. 

"Fine" my voice is beginning to slur more with the pain. He grabs my keys from me. We finally after what seemed like the longest walk ever, we get to my car. He helps me into my backseat, and gets in on the driver's side. I tell him my address so he can put it in the gps. Laying on my stomach I can see his profile. He is still just as gorgeous as college. 

I turn my head to let sleep seep into my body. 

*****

Ok so I know that this chapter was like what in the double hockey sticks. Yea my Ryan is broken and dark but hopefully he can mend his broken heart. I know, I know what the heck is up with Jonah, that bipolar guy. Yes, he needs help but I think he's finally seeing that he needs to help with mending hurt from the past before he can enter into Ryan's future. Also I know "What happened to Roo?" Well we shall see in a chapter or two or maybe in a flashback, hmmm, the possibilities. As always please leave comments and positive criticism is always welcome!

xo- D



Old College Flame Ch. 03: Flashback



Attention: I do not endorse or condone substance abuse or domestic abuse (verbal or otherwise), if you or someone you know does abuse substance or in an abusive relationship please get them help.

I just want to thank the faithful readers and commenters/s. They have helped me immensely. I am an amateur writer (as if that isn't apparent), and I beg of thee to have mercy on me. I am trying to tie all of this together and thank you for voicing your frustrations. Also I know that present tense Ch.3 was little (dumdum a lot) dark but bear with me and continue to leave those positive critiques and I will keep on with this. THANK YOU ALL!!

***********

3 years later,

It has been three years since I fell madly in love with my Jonah or really admitted my feelings for him. I didn't think I could accept myself let alone love another man. He has built me up and given me confidence to be myself.

The three years have been amazing but there was some turbulence in the beginning. First of all it was hard to accept my sexuality. Soon I came to realize that I'd burn the closet down around me if it meant I could have him. Then Roo left, just left after the tense thanksgiving. She left a gaping hole in my heart. I asked everybody in the family, why she left. No one was giving me answers or trying to find her. I finally learned why she left when she sent me a letter from California. 

She wrote about moving to California with her girlfriend. She also told me that mom disowned her and that she had to stop dating her girlfriend. There were tear stains on the letter. I wanted to reach into her words and hold her. I didn't get a chance to tell her about Jonah and me so she would know she's not alone. 

When I received that letter I felt my whole world, childhood, and life just shatter upon itself. When I told Jonah she was gone I cried for hours. I felt as though my heart would combust with pain but Jonah kept me together. He was the glue that helped me through. I didn't go to classes for a full week. When Ma Bell caught wind of that she came to my side. 

She came to me with a game. A drinking game to be exact. If I could drink 10 shots of hooch then she wouldn't ride me about my classes. If I do that and lose then she would be on me like white on rice. I graduated on time and made the dean's list.

I tried to send Roo numerous letters but they all came back to me. She sent me another one stating that she can't keep in contact with me but that she was enjoying her life. That was the last time I heard from her. 

That letter hurt me even more but as long as she was happy I would have to be ok with her being gone. I so badly wanted to go after her but I knew she would come to me, wouldn't she?

The years flew by once we got past that heart-breaking obstacle. I mean not everything was roses but we managed. We made a promise to each other to not go to sleep angry. There were times when we would go to bed mad but we'd lay there in bed, talking to one another. In those times, being friends helped us sort through our feelings. 

After freshmen year we moved into their campus townhomes. It became a home for us. Ma Bell would come visit and cook for us. My mom came around a little but not enough for me to talk about the whole Roo thing.

As much as I didn't want to be around my mom or family, I still wanted them there. For the events that mattered. I wanted those family pictures no matter how much pain they caused me. I sometimes felt hatred for her but she's my mom how much hate can I hold towards her. My emotions were torn. 

Jonah kept asking me why Roo left but I just kept on lying to him. I couldn't tell him the truth. We never talked about me coming out. I think he assumed I did and I didn't want to crush that bubble for him. I wanted to talk about it but what if I did and he wanted me to come out. I hated myself for feeling that way (still do). 

I felt like such a coward for being gay, for loving Jonah, but most of all for loving myself. I was baffled as to why they or mainly mom wasn't supportive. My family or mom wasn't super religious and my parents mainly mom always told me to love everybody no matter who or what they are. So why couldn't she accept Roo.

Upon not seeing my own family very often I melded into Jonah and Ma Bell's family. Ma Bell was so supportive. She understood me and just loved me. When I felt like a wimp she loved me or when my head got too big she would knock me off my high horse and love me. 

Ma Bell was a peculiar person. She had the brown complexion that seemed to smooth out over her 4'9'' slender frame. She had wrinkles on her forehead, crow's feet, and laugh lines galore. She didn't see them as imperfections but as things that told her story. She had a personality bigger than her whole body. She loved Jonah more than I did which is a given. When he was dropped on her doorstep she didn't hesitate to love and accept him. When he did come out of the closet Ma Bell protected him. That was one of the reasons they moved here to NY. (I wonder how she is, or if she is even still alive)

In the three years it took to get to graduation 

Ma Bell was a solid rock. 

In the three years we were there I had joined bilingual club while Jonah was president of the LGBT club. Now our time with them was coming to an end. With the bilingual club (I don't know any of the languages they talked about but their snacks were the best) coming to an end, Jonah's LGBT club coming to an end we were having plays or dinner parties. 

Ma Bell and I went to Jonah's play and he blew me away with the production. He created a masterpiece of an original play about the LGBT community. I didn't know he was that artistic. I mean I knew he liked that stuff I just didn't know he had that talent in him. 

After his play I went back stage. I grabbed him by his waist and spun him around. 

"Wow Jo, I didn't know that this was in that beautiful mind of yours."

He rubbed his neck looking down "Yea me either, I guess."

"Oh don't be shy now." 

I kissed him on the cheek and before his hands could roam my body Ma Bell came bustling backstage.

"Oh my jojo. I knew yous was artistic an all but dis here is amazin. I can't believe dat I got to raise such an amazing bo." She threw her arms around his waist and buried her head in his abdomen. Jonah chuckled just rubbing her back. 

They broke apart and she wiped her eyes. That night Ma bell took us out to eat. 

I couldn't keep my hand off of his thigh. I wanted him so bad I felt my skin itching with anticipation. We all talked, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company. 

She finally dropped us off at the campus apartments. I unlocked the door and he pushed me inside. He slammed the door closed behind us before pinning me against it. He smashed our lips together bruising them. He nipped and sucked my bottom lip into his mouth. I whimpered from the pleasure before giving him access to my mouth.

Our tongues danced a feverish dance.

He undid my pants pushing them down along with my briefs. I kicked them to side. He unzipped his pants fishing out already hard member. He picked me up, my legs wrapping around his waist. His hands were kneading my ass before he slipped his finger to my hole. As his finger glided across it I shivered in his arms. 

He broke the kiss, spitting into his hand. He put the spit on my hole before letting a finger slip in. I was always ready for him, My Jonah. I was grinding against trying to get the friction on my dick. He pushed me harder against the door to make me stop. He rubbed the tip of his dick against me letting his pre cum be the lube. He put his lips on mine this time softer. It was as if we were trying to savor the kiss like it was our last. 

He pulled back from the kiss and took off his grey tie. My favorite grey tie. I brought my hands to the middle of us for him to tie them together. Once they were tied he grabbed the cloth to put my arms above my head. He lowered me onto his shaft, filling me. He was all the way inside of me. Our breathing had become irregular and fast. Slowly I started moving up and down. He put his free hand on my ass, my back firmly placed against the door he started to move faster. 

"Oh...Jo...Ahhh please."

I was begging for anything everything. I needed him. 

"Ry, Oh sweet... Ry say it baby."

My body moving fast up and down. He was hitting my prostate and I knew I wasn't going last. That familiar tingling feeling was spreading throughout my body. 

"Say it Ry... Say it" he moaned into my ear. 

"I'm yours." I yelled as my orgasm hit me. It hit hard and I came all over his shirt. A few deep thrust and he came inside of me. 

We slumped to the floor with me sitting in his lap. My tied hands falling around his neck our foreheads pressed together he looked me in the eyes.

"Your mine and I'm yours. Never. Ever forget that."

We showered, washing each other tenderly and climbed into bed. He had his arms encircled around my waist keeping me close to him. 

The next night was my dinner party. My family came to the event. Richard brought his girlfriend Celia. She was very gorgeous. If she wasn't with my brother and I liked girls she would be top of my list. She was nice, easy to talk too, and possibly could fill the void for a sister, a little bit.

They knew Jonah but not how close we were. Jonah tried to get close to me physically a few times. I knew I had keep him at bay so I lied to him. I told him that my family isn't comfortable with us showing affection. When I told him that he understood. I felt bad for lying but I didn't know what to do or if I was ready to tell my family. 

That night ended mildly with my dad telling me about the business, my mom begging me to call more often, and Richard going on about Celia and how happy she made him. 

After the ending of clubs and sports, graduation was upon us. I bought suits to match for Jonah and I. We were wearing light green vests with the black suit. The soles of our shoes matched to. He wanted to do the same for me so he bought our cap and gowns. 

The day of graduation May 21, 2011. Ma Bell came to our campus house. She sat in the living room as we got ready. I came down the stairs and she beamed. She told me how the color complimented my dark skin tone. She was straightening my tie when Jonah came down the stairs. She stopped and just stared at him.

I turned to see the sexiest, drop dead gorgeous man on the stairs. The green in the vest really made his eyes pop and the tie I gave him our 2nd year shown through the vest. The grey tie was used in many of our escapades. His olive skin seemed to fuse with the vest. The suit hugged him in all of the right places. He flashed us a smile and I think I stopped breathing. 

He came to me and I couldn't help myself I devoured his lips. It was hard and wanting. I pulled off of him breathlessly. 

"I should wear this more often." He said as I smiled at him and he just gave me that lopsided smile making my heart melt. 

"Yes, yes you should." I was looking into his green lustful eyes when Ma Bell cleared her throat, she had a camera in her hand waiting to take our picture. It was an old camera the one where the picture spits out after you take it. 

She snapped a couple of shots of before someone knocked on the door. I went to it and it was my family. I saw my mom's dyed red hair and thought it was Roo. I was crushed it wasn't but I recovered. They all came in. Senior, Richard, Celia, and Mom. 

My mom started with pictures as soon as she came through the door. Pictures of me with Richard, senior, Celia, Jonah which was awkward because we couldn't be our affectionate selves.

I wanted to ride with Jonah but my mom desperately wanted me with the family. We all arrived to graduation separately. Ma Bell went to sit with my family through graduation. We got into our lines. I saw Jonah across the way in his line. I was just looking at him and his beauty. He loved me through and through and I couldn't ask for anything more. 

Graduation started. We went and sat in our seats, listened to the speakers and time came. Our names were called. Jonah was called before me and I hooped and hollered when he received his diploma. He did the same for me. You could hear our names ring throughout the stadium as Ma Bell belted out our names. 

After the last person we stood up and threw our caps in the air. In the commotion I went to Jonah and gave him a chaste kiss. 

"It will be a much better kiss later" he shook his head at me and smiled. We went to our families and took more pictures. 

My dad took us all out to eat. Jonah kept feeling me up at the table. I could barely function let alone eat. I got my food to go as my dad quizzed Jonah. We were finally leaving the restaurant after an hour. My dad dropped me off the same time Jonah showed up. My dad said he was proud of me and left. Ma Bell said she was proud gave us kiss on the forehead and left. 

We went inside the house and I couldn't believe that I did it. I made it through 4 tortuous years of classes, Roo leaving, and I got Jonah. Now for the fun to begin. Jonah and I were going to spend a week at a bed and breakfast in small town in California. I was going to be with him but to also look for Roo.

As I was standing there thinking he came up behind me. He unzipped my robe and slide it off of me. He went back to my neck and began sucking on the soft flesh. I ground my hips into his. He took off my blazer and was unbuttoning my vest. He took off my shirt and bound my hands with that beautiful grey tie. I kissed him softly lovingly when I felt a moan leave his mouth. He grabbed me by my hips and brought me closer to him. My tied hands went around his neck to deepen the kiss.

Soon the slow and sensual feeling was replaced by want or need, or maybe both. We left a trail of clothes from the living room up the stairs to our bedroom. We were under the covers, my legs on his waist while my tied hands were anchored above me. He had one hand holding him up with the other one holding my hands. He was thrusting steadily into me watching my squirm beneath him. 

He whispered in my ear to say it.

I opened my mouth to whisper it when Jonah thrust into me hitting my prostate. I yelled "I'm yours" as the words left my mouth we heard a loud gasp. We bolted up to see my mom in the door way. Jonah moved off of me. A fire burned deep in her eyes. 

"You're a fag." She spit the word out at me. I held the covers close to my chest trying to hold onto whatever dignity I had. 

"I can't believe this. You're getting fucked... like a bitch, like a whore. You sicken me. I never want to see you again. You are no longer my son." She yelled the words at me, with that she turned and left. I couldn't breathe. It was happening again. The rug was being pulled out from under me. I turned to Jonah for comfort but he was on the other side of the room. 

"You... Never told them. This whole time you've been lying to me?" His eyes were brimming with tears. I got out of the bed to go to him and he just pushed me away. 

"Were you ever going to tell them? Were you ever going to tell me?" He yelled the words at me and I couldn't respond because I hadn't come to that decision yet. I reached for him again but he just slapped me across the face.

"You were keeping us a secret. Why?" the hurt palpable in his voice, "Are you ashamed of us... me?" He just stood there naked and crying and I couldn't look into his eyes because a part of me was always ashamed of us. 

"No Jo... Not ashamed just..."

"Just what Ryan, uh just what. I can't believe 

that you lied to me, all this time I thought it was your parents but it was you who didn't want to be seen with me." He scoffed at me or maybe the air. He wiped his face and got dressed. "I can't do this." With that he left.

I was left there on my knees, tears streaming down my face. As his words ran through my mind it was like someone was throwing china plate after china plate in my chest. I felt dizzy and nauseous. Hoping he would come back, I kept saying his name. My heart was no longer there. There were no more pieces to break. 

I lost Roo, Jonah, and now what was left of my family. I had no one to turn to. I could turn to other friends but would they get it. Would they understand me and where I was coming from? I tried calling Ma Bell but she wasn't answering. I needed her to tell me what to do. I felt so abundantly lost. 

Three days after the ordeal I bought a 50 thousand dollar car. It was a 2011 black Mercedes Benz. Upon buying that car I didn't want to be in New York anymore. I couldn't deal with the emotions that went along with the place. I packed up the campus house. I kept a few of his shirts, the grey tie and a bottle of his desire cologne. With my things in the car, I left a note on the door stating that his stuff is in the living room. 

It was a brisk day in New York, the cold wind complimented the hurt in my chest. Cruising down the highway I decided that I wanted some sun. I hopped onto the New Jersey turnpike on my way to sun and fun.

Stopping here and there I finally made it to Orlando, Florida the next day in the afternoon. I was going to stay in a hotel but I knew I wouldn't be leaving Florida for a while. I found an internet café so I could use the computers. I googled apartments in the area. After half an hour I found this starter apartment. 

I went there after calling the landlord. Pulling up to the complex it looked so quaint. I met the landlord in her office. It was a separate building with a view of the apartments. It was a small building, the walls looked as though pink threw up on the walls. The walls had pictures of all types of people looking happy. 

She came out from the back and introduced herself. 

"Well hello there, my name is Nancy but you can call me Nan."

"Umm hello my name is Ryan." I was fidgeting and I didn't know why. 

Nancy was (still is) pretty. She had fair skin with auburn hair. She was about 5'5'' slender but athletic.

"Well Ryan lets go and look at this apartment."

I followed her out. She took me to the building across a short sidewalk. The apartments were in a half circle. The paint was just a cream color, making them look so homey. Walking by some doors were open and she just waved and said hi to them. They all looked as though they have known her forever. 

We got the apartment door on the first floor. The number was 118. I scoffed a little at the number. I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned to me with a smile on her face.

"Is there another room available on the first floor?"

She looked at me confused and shook her head no.

"We have rooms available on the 3rd floor..."

"No this is fine thank you."

She turned back around and opened the door. I held my breath as I walked into the room. I don't know what I was nervous about when I walked in. I guess I was hoping I could rewind time. 

Walking in the walls were a very light shade of green. It came with a light brown couch and a matching coffee table. The living room was spacious, separated by a bar that encased the kitchen. The kitchen was a perfect size for just me. The bedroom was pretty big, there was a small bay window.

Nancy beamed at me "So do you like it?"

"Yea I do Nan, thanks. I'll take it."

"Ok the deposit is 200, the rent will be 250 a month. Rent is due the first, and it's ready for move in."

With that we left to her office. I paid the deposit and rent for up to a year. Walking back to my apartment a guy came out of his apartment. He didn't say anything to me he just looked at me and smirked. Red flags went off in my head about him but something else in me wanted to know more about him. 

Getting settled in my apartment took all day. I was thinking of decorating it but there was nothing left of me. I had no more dreams or aspirations. My imagination was a bleak space filled with nothing but pain. When I had my TV setup I just sat on the couch looking at nothing. 




Old College Flame Ch. 03: Flashback



After about 10 minutes of mind numbing TV I decided that I would go out and see what or who was out here. I put on clothes a little too tight to show off my assets. I left on foot and found a gay bar rather quick. The music was loud, thumping through my chest. I slide to the bar asking for vodka shots. I threw back six under a minute. Feeling the buzz rather quick I moved to the dance floor and started dancing and grinding. Someone came up behind me just flowing with me. I turned to see him and he was hot. 

My hands were roaming on his body, he was doing the same. It was like sex on the dance floor. He took me from dancing to the bar. We were talking a little, while he kept the drinks coming. I was drunk but I knew I wanted him. I whispered in his ear lets go to your place. 

He paid for our drinks and we left. He got us a cab to his place. On the ride there we came so close to just fucking right there in the back seat. We got to his place and we fucked well into the morning.

Morning came and I was pain. My ass was sore but my whole body ached. I slipped from his bed searching for my clothes. I found my briefs and I thought of Jonah. I only became a briefs man because Jonah said he liked the way my ass looked in them. 

I went into the bathroom when I saw them on the sink. I grabbed them, when something in the mirror caught my eye. I looked in the mirror and saw the black and blue spots on my body. I looked at the reasons why my body ached so much. 

Looking my body I was disgusted with myself. I found the rest of my clothes strewn throughout his place and left. The sun made my eyes hurt. Walking home my memories kept bouncing from last night to Jonah's face and Ma Bell to graduation night. My head was hurting with all of the pain the memories inflicting. 

I arrived to my apartment with my eyes redder from the unshed tears. I was unlocking my door when my neighbor came out of her house. She had a kid trailing her asking her all types of questions. She smiled my way and I smiled back. I went inside to meet the silence. 

In the shower I scrubbed so hard to get rid of the filth I felt but mostly how good I felt. I liked last night. I couldn't remember Jonah or Roo. I didn't have to think about the pain in my chest when I woke up. Last night was a night that made me feel good but also made me feel dirty.

I walked into my room and crawled into bed and I let the tears come. I sobbed into my pillow for what seemed like hours. I don't know when I drifted to sleep but I was thankful when it came. 

When I woke up it was seven at night. I drug myself from my bed and into my living room. I turned on my TV when there was a knock at my door. I told whomever it was to hang on. I put on some pants and a tank. 

I opened the door to my next door neighbor with the kid, Nancy, and some other folks. They were all standing there with smiles plastered on their faces. Nancy spoke first. 

"The community wanted to give you an apartment warming/get together."

I was about to answer when an older looking kid said "Just agree or they will barge in and smother you with love and affection." I chuckled at that and just opened my door wider to invite them in. 

They all piled in setting down plate after plate of food. My counter top was filled with potato salad, chicken (baked and fried), fried catfish, fruit bowl, and chocolate cake. I was in food heaven. I wanted to dive right into the food but they were beckoning me to the living room. It seemed like people pulled chairs from thin air because they were sitting. 

Nancy stood in the middle of the group 

"Ok starting from the bar we have Mike who is our handy man, Sandy the go-to cook, Serena who loves to plan a party, then we have Molly with her boys Tyson who is 13 and Kyle who is 3 and the one in the oven for another seven months is either Holly or Harry, then we have Mr. B our oldest resident, and then we have..."

She stopped talking when a figure appeared in the reflection of the window. Everyone turned to the door way. It was the same guy who smirked at me yesterday. He looked like bad news but there was a part of me wanted to know how bad.

Nancy cleared her throat "That's Ray, and to finish the room there's me, the owner/landlord." Nancy gave a halfhearted chuckle. 

Ray didn't seem to care or notice the glares or awkward stares. He came into the room and stuck is hand out. I just shook his hand back. He laughed while still holding my hand

"Are you going to say your name or is it a secret." 

I took my hand back from his "My name is Ryan, Ryan James."

Ray just stood there, looking at me like I was meat. I hated it but I also loved it. He was bald but it fit him, muscular, and slightly taller than me. His demeanor immediately said don't fuck with me. 

With one last look at me he turned and walked out. When he did that it seemed as though everyone let out there breathe. I was idly standing there when Mr. B gruffly spoke.

"So what brings you to our slice of heaven?"

I cast my eyes down to the floor. I had forgotten about New York until now. I was wringing my hands wondering if I should be honest with them. I was about to lie when I felt a hand on my back. It was Molly, smiling at me with that warm motherly smile. 

I looked at nothing in particular when I spoke. "I...I am running... from some home issues." 

The room was silent until Tyson the older boy who told me to let them in spoke.

"Is that why your body looks like that?"

I crossed my arms, wanting to crawl under my covers. I forgot all about the bruises on my body. I excused myself and I heard Molly reprimanding him. I threw on a sweatshirt in my bedroom. I took a deep breath and went back to them. 

No one asked me anymore questions. We all just talked. I got to know more about the people in my living room. Like Mr. B is really nice once you get to know him. Molly took Tyson and Kyle from her abusive ex-husband and came to these apartments. The baby is the last gift as she says he gave her. Mike moved here because of the price and drive to his construction job was short. Sandy is going to culinary school which is on the bus route from here. Serena does love to party, only if it's one she planned. She is studying to become a party planner. 

A week went by and Tyson and Kyle kept me company. I helped with homework and kept Kyle busy with missions. He would make a mess with his toys on my floor, but then I would give him the mission to clean. The boys were like the brothers I almost wished for. I appreciated Molly for letting them come over and fill the silence. 

Before I knew it, it was Friday. I decided that I needed to get out. I got dressed this time in something less slutty. Just a t-shirt, black skinny jeans, and high tops. I was gonna bring my car but I didn't want to risk it being damaged. 

I was going to the same bar when I saw the club called Rainbow. I smiled at the name and decide to go in. 

I walked into the club with the strobe lights thumping with the music. I wiggled to the bar to get a drink. I ordered bourbon when a cute guy sat in a seat next to me. He ordered the same drink as me. We were talking and we eventually moved somewhere more intimate. We were talking and the hints he was giving were telling me he was a bottom. I needed a top. 

He paid for the drinks and went on to find someone to keep his bed warm and rocking. I sat there a moment when this guy came and sat across from me. He had brown hair down to his shoulders, and he looked very muscular (I learned he was a boxer), he screamed top and he was sitting across from me. 

He got us a bottle of water and offered to take me to this 24/7 diner. I saw the lustful glint in his eye, I agreed to go, wondering where this was going. We left or more like he left and I followed expectantly. We were walking and talking to the diner.

When we got there the lady seated us in his usual booth, getting his usual order. I ordered a simple burger and fries with sprite. He told her to bring two coffees. We sat there in amicable silence. He was the first to speak. 

"So what were you looking for?"

I had a blank stare on my face. I didn't know how to answer that. I was formulating a mix between the truth and a lie when the waitress came with our food. She sat the plates in front of us and I couldn't wait to dig in. She left us with a smile, then disappeared into the back.

I went to pick up a fry when the guy moved my plate from my reach.

"No food until I get the answers to my questions" he said it calmly. It was reassuring and terrifying. Something said run but I didn't, I stayed deciding to tell the truth.

"I wanted to forget some parts of my past" When I spoke I just kept looking at the food I ordered. 

"Hmm, I think I can help, if you want?" his inquisitive tone made me look up from the plate. I saw his grey eyes stormy with lust and curiosity. I wanted to run my hands through his hair at that moment so that he would take me. 

Looking into his eyes "I do". He just smiled as he pushed my plate towards me. We ate in silence. He didn't say no or yes he just watched me eat. When we finished he threw down some money then extended his hand to me. I grabbed it wondering, what had I gotten myself into

He didn't live far from the strip we were on. We got to his place and before I could formulate words he threw me over his shoulder. He opened his front door with ease. I was a giggling mess because he was caressing my ass as he walked through the door. We went up a small set of stairs to a room. He threw me on the bed that was in the middle of the room. 

I bounced a little making me laugh even more. I threw my head back when I laughed and something caught my eye. I turned on my stomach to face a wall with toys. There were so many toys. Big ones, small ones, black ones, milky white ones, vibrators, and many other things. There was also some chains with cuffs. 

I turned back around to look at him when his body stopped my thoughts. His body was immaculate. He had a six pack leading down to his wonderful V. 

"My name is Vin and I haven't met someone like you in a while." he crawled on top of me. He laid beside me with a hand on my hip. He squeezed it when he said "I can help you forget" 

I smiled at him knowing what was in store.

Seven hours later and I'm limping down the sidewalk with a smile. I was gonna stay to ask him for a ride but I dint want to wait, hence why I'm walking. This time I was ready for the sun. I was contemplating the events of last night and how I didn't have to be I control. I didn't have to think about anything all I had to do was enjoy.

After that night I spent more time inside my place or Vin's place. I tried to still be around Tyson and Kyle but my wants overtook their importance. The bruises were becoming worse in a good way. Molly didn't see it that way. She would get on me about how I should talk to someone and how what I'm doing isn't healthy. I just brushed her off and continued. After the 2nd week I couldn't be a part of anyone's life. 

I was popping some pills like they were candy. Vin gave them to me for the pain but I soon became hooked. Vin was good but I wanted more. I was cutting myself in places that molly wouldn't see but Vin did. 

The cutting was a way for me to deal with my emotional pain. It felt good to feel the physical pain instead the emotional. When Vin saw them he didn't say anything until one day when I came to him with blood running down my thigh. 

Vin said that he could refer me to someone who could help me with this in a better way. He said that the guy satisfies all needs. The needs could range from soft sex to whipping. That was the last night Vin and I were together. 

Molly sat across from me at her dining table. I was nursing some tea to help with my hangover. She was just staring at me with shock etched into her face. I was just looking down at my tea bracing myself for what she was going to say.

Her face finally moved 

"You want to try what!"

"Whipping." 

"You want to be whipped. Doesn't that go against some race thing or something?"

My eyes snapped from the cup to her. Her face full of confusion, among other emotions.

"First off M, race isn't the issue here and second yes I want to try it. It'd be a better deal than Vin."

She sipped her tea while contemplating what I had just said. Only if Molly had said something about her feelings or at least fought me on that decision maybe I wouldn't so messed up. 

After a month of being here I have gone from ok decision making, to bad decision making, maybe this will be a good decision. I got the number from Vin. I called the number up as I sat cross legged on my couch while the phone rang. I couldn't believe I was doing this. Then a click and a "Hello" the voice sounded familiar. I of course had to answer back before he hung up or maybe... 

"Hello?"

"Uh. Yes. Umm I'm looking for X." I say hesitantly. I hear a chuckle on the line

"Write down this address. 738 Mathews Blvd. door 3 ok. And be here by nine or don't come at all."

"Ok than..."

*click*

He hung up before I could say anything else. It was seven so I had time. I was watching TV when I heard a knock. 

I opened it to see Molly with Kyle on her hip. Molly handed Kyle to me. Molly stormed into my apartment going to my kitchen. I closed the door with Kyle falling to sleep on my shoulder. I went to my kitchen to see what her deal was.

"Hey Molly you ok?"

"No I am not ok. My boss is riding me to get some reports done but I can't because the time limit is so unreasonable and I'm still having morning sickness and I just really want to drink." She was huffing and puffing around in my kitchen. She pulled out some tequila I had in my cabinet and poured a shot. 

I was standing there with a sleeping Kyle, watching what she was doing. She took the glass and sniffed it. She inhaled the scent of the alcohol. She put the glass down and began to cry. 

I walked into my room and put Kyle in my bed. I went back and just held her. I rubbed circles on her back like how Jonah... Like how he used to do for me.

I pulled back from her "where is Tyson?"

She laughed a little "He's at a friend's house." 

"Oh ok good."

We sat on my couch watching TV. No words were spoken because they didn't need to be. My alarm went off telling me it was 8:30. I looked at her but she just waved her hands. I got up from the couch to see her curl into a ball. 

I quietly got dressed. I got in my car on my way to the address. 

I got there at 8:55. I paced in front of the door. Trying to talk myself out of going in there but I knew I would. When 9:00 hit I knocked. I stood there with my pain in my hands ready to hand it over. 

The door opened and there he stood, that bad boy in my complex. When he saw me he just smiled. He opened the door some more letting me in.

"So Ray or I'm sorry X, this is what you do in your free time?"

"Ha no, I do this as a job."

"Oh I didn't..."

"Someone already paid your just here to enjoy or inflict really."

"Oh ok."

He chuckled again at me. I becoming insecure, wanting to run from him. He took a step to me letting his hands slide down my stomach. My insides quivered form the touch. It's been a while since someone just admired my body. He turned from me disappearing into a room. I just stood there wondering what to do.

Ray came back into what I assumed was the living room he sat down. He motioned for me to come, sit. I hesitantly sat down beside him. 

"So Ryan, what's your story?"

"M...my story. What do you mean my story?"

"Well why are you here, why are you doing this to yourself."

I bit my lip because I didn't want to talk. He seemed sincere for someone who is about to mar my body. I wanted to forget. I just wanted something that helped absolve the pain within me. I turned to him with bile in my throat. 

"To forget..."

I got up and started pacing "for the last month I have had these memories in my head of the most excruciating night running through my mind. I want those memories to go. I want to better, I have to fix what's broken inside of me. I need... I need..." I couldn't finish my rant as I started to lose the words. 

Ray got up from his seat took my hand and brought me to a room. 

"I can help you let go and forget." 

He brought me to a room with a table. It looked like a regular rectangle table. He led me to it with a devilish smile. My mind was telling me that this wasn't going to fix me, but I didn't listen. 

He pushed me on to the table with my arms stretched to the corners. My hands dangling there, he cuffed them. I was excited but at the same time nervous.

"Ok RJ the safe word is Red, you scream that when you have had enough."

"Okay."

I took a few breathes to steady myself. He asked if I was ready and I shook my head yes. Before I could take another breath he said 1 and then whip.

I cried out in pain and surprise. It was a minute before I could calm down. My immediate reaction was to run but something kept me there. Something in me kept the safe word locked away from my vocal chords. I shook my head okay to let him know to continue.

Whip. The sound it made in the air gave me a warm tingling feeling that was replaced with stinging. I was contemplating this decision when another one came down on me. I was no longer surprised but the pain still reared its ugly head. 

It was few more whips later he stopped. He uncuffed my hands from the table and helped pick me up. He put an oil on my back to help with the swelling. I was laying on my stomach relishing in the pain. I was floating on a cloud better than any drug. 

Ray scooped me up and brought me to a bath. The water was warm and instantly soothed my body. I was appreciating the tub when he got in behind me. He massaged my body, reliving the tension. 

I was enjoying it when a question plagued my mind.

"Do you treat all clients like this?"

I could feel his laugh deep in his belly "First off you're not a regular case, and two sometimes. People need to feel love sometimes."

"Hmmm have you ever fallen for a 'case'?"

"Yea I did but he left me some time ago."

"Why?"

"I wish I knew."

I wanted to ask more questions but Ray's mouth on my neck stopped me. The light sucking and biting were turning me on. I wanted to protest but I wanted it. I moaned out in the mix ecstasy and discomfort. My body may have ached but I'm still human. 

That night/day was the beginning of my downfall. 

At first the whipping was ok but then Ray suggested something that wouldn't hurt so much. I thought he was talking about other sexual things I could do but no. At first he was shooting up in front of me then he enticed me. 

I know that no one held a gun to my head and made me shoot up but I thought. Really I don't know what I thought at that moment. I think that I was looking for his approval. I found it in the bottom of a syringe. 

I let him debase me, take away my personality, strip me of my dignity all for him to love me. I did whatever he wanted me to because he gave me the one thing I craved since New York, mutual love. It worked, for that six months, until I overdosed. 

I didn't mean to, it was just one lonely night and he didn't want me that night. I just wanted a hit but I loaded up on too much. I kept saying I didn't mean to overdose but maybe I did. 

I laid there on my couch enjoying the euphoria when Mike came in. I think I said something before my world went cold. Memories good and bad kept flashing through my mind. Lots of them with Jonah and Roo. I was happy, carefree. I wanted to reach my hand out to touch them but I knew I would get burned. 

I don't know how long I had been in that dream world when I woke up. The sun was shining through onto my bed. I blinked a few times to let my eyes readjust. When my eyes finally got use to the room I saw an angel. I smiled at the lady at the foot of my bed. 




Old College Flame Ch. 03: Flashback



When she turned with her big belly, instant dread/happiness came over. Molly looked up from the fruit she was eating and saw me. She called for a doctor who then came rushing in. A nurse with the doctor came into my room and checked my vitals. They asked me questions like was this a suicide, do you need rehab, etc. I of course said no to all of the questions. 

When the doctors left Molly stood in the corner of the room looking at me. It was like she was trying to figure out the hardest puzzle ever.

I stared back at her "Look Molly..."

"No, I don't want an apology, I want to know why. 

You were fitting in so well. We all liked you and then you go and get mixed up with him. I tried to warn you about him. I did, you almost died on me. And plus Tyson misses you, *scoff *Kyle really misses you. We all miss you Ry. What happened" I could see the tears shining on her cheeks. 

I winced at her words or really that name. "Molly please I don't..."

"No you tell me and you tell me now!"

She came and sat on my bed. A hand on her belly with the other on mine I knew I couldn't lie to her. I wouldn't be able to her. She reminded me of my mom from a past life, so tender. I told her everything I couldn't hold back. I was done 

holding back. It wasn't in my nature to bottle things up. 

"That's why you'd come home high" she got off of my bed and started pacing, steam coming from her ears. She was mumbling things like "kill him", "foot up his ass", and many more gruesome things.

"Yea, I didn't mean to spiral I just wanted... I just wanted solace..." I let the tears roll down my face. Bringing me closer Molly put my head on her chest. She rocked me, soothing me with words of encouragement. She just held me like a mother would her child.

"It's ok Ry, its ok. We all fuck up sometime" she pulled my head to look into my eyes "but if you scare me like that again I will make sure you never wake up. Understand." I shook my head yes. 

"One more thing, how did mike know to check on me?"

"Lets call it Molly's intuition."

After that I had to speak to someone about my drug use. They wanted me to get help so I went to the outpatient care place. They helped keep my straight. I was there for at least 2 weeks before they released me. Everyone was on me to go to my treatments/therapy. 

I was beaten mentally which resulted in my physical. I had to rebuild who I was and who wanted to become. It was hard, some days I felt fragile while others I felt so strong. 

Mr. B was the father figure I needed. Mr. B was a rough man who believed in hard work but for me he was little soft, only a little. He pushed me into a job he got me at a business firm as a consult. With the use of my degree I could help with some deals they were brokering. I don't remember what the name was but it kept me busy.

It was December. Time does fly when, well never mind time just flies. I was finally finding my footing again in the community. Molly was a due any day, mike was dating a really nice girl, Mr. B was the same ol' some old, Sandy got a scholarship to study abroad in Spain, Serena got engaged and moved to California where she sends us lots of pictures from the parties she planned. Tyson and Kyle just had their birthdays. Kyle turned 4 on the 8th and Tyson turned 14 on the 10th. 

It was the 11th and molly was over my place. We were talking about what to do for Christmas. We were laughing, talking, and planning when Molly got this panicked look on her face. She jumped up from her spot on the couch. 

Startled "What's wrong hun?

"My water... my water broke!" she squealed. I got up from the couch and grabbed my go bag. The whole community had one. We were all her just in case. We went next door and told the boys. We all grabbed bags, called people, and locked up. We rushed to my car when I paused. A whole six months I haven't drove it. I was always walking, with someone, or too drunk or high to go anywhere. 

I got in behind the wheel. She purred to life when I turned her on. A smile was plastered on my face when I heard her. I was enjoying the feel of the car when molly's scream snatched me back into reality. We raced to the hospital. 

Tyson took off into the hospital to get her a wheel chair. Kyle being so young didn't really understand what was happening but he was excited none the less. We all rushed back in with Molly in the wheelchair and Tyson carrying Kyle. Soon after she was admitted people started to come to join us. I was going to call her parents but Nancy told me that they would tell her ex.

I felt bad for them for missing out on this awesome moment. I stepped into the role of her coach. I held her hand, told her to breathe, helped her with the pushing, and other things. It had been 10 hours since we arrived. Well into the 12th when finally her contractions picked up. They were one minute apart at 9:00 in the morning by 10 she was pushing and by 11 Rj a.k.a Ryan James Smith was born. He was 8 pounds even and 19 inches long. He was beautiful. Fair skin like his mother and eyes as green as the forest leaves. When Molly named him after me I was honored. I was smitten with the little guy the moment he popped out. The 12th of December became my favorite day. 

The weeks that followed were a wakeup call. Trying to help with a new born while trying to plan a party was hell. Somehow though we pulled it off. The 24th came and it looked great. We rented out a tiny space a small walk from the complex. 

The room looked as though Christmas tastefully threw up on the walls. Molly was breast feeding RJ when people were showing up. The community arrived and some others. It was a nice party. There was a guy there that Nancy and Cara invited for me.

He was taller than me by few inches. He had a nice tan on him, his muscles were athletically defined, and he had eyes as blue as the ocean. We really hit it off. Throughout the night we talked and talked about life, mistakes, and many other things. 

The night was joyous. There was that stereotypical moment that you see in the movie. Where someone stands off to the side, looking at the people in the room. That was me. I had finally began picking myself up. I had family here that loved me for who I was. I could be gay and proud. As the night started to dwindle down, Nancy and my blind date Alan stayed behind to help clean. Molly wanted to stay but my god kids needed to go home to wait for Santa. 

It was midnight when we were leaving the building. Nancy left first, leaving Alan and I behind. Alan walked me to my door. When he stalled at my door I decided that what the heck I'll take a chance. Maybe he'll help get that spark back into my heart. I leaned into him halfway, while he was coming the other half. I felt his hand on the small of my back bring me close when we heard someone clear their throat. 

I turned my head to see who had interrupted us. There stood two cops red in the face. I pulled away from Alan.

"Hello Officers, how can we help you?"

"Are you Ryan Leroy James?" said cop 1

"Yes I am." Alan crossed his arms behind me taking an offensive stance. I shifted a little to hide part of me behind him. 

Cop 2 took out a radio and told someone that they found me. 

Cop 1 "Will you come with us to the precinct please?"

"Sure I'll go."

Alan hesitantly kissed me on the cheek and left. I stalked to the patrol car. The car was deadly quiet. I wanted to make a joke or start up some small talk but my nervousness got the better of me. We stopped at the precinct and I let go of the breath I didn't know I was holding. Cop 1 opened my door, while Cop 2 went ahead. 

We walked through the doors and I was stunned. I couldn't believe my eyes. First I was happy then anger started coursing through my veins.

My mom rushed to me, throwing her arms around my neck. I couldn't move or speak. I looked like a fish with my mouth opening and closing. My mom drew back from me, looking me over.

"Oh my baby boy. I thought something bad had happened to you." If only she knew. 

"Mom what are you doing..."

"Ryan, bro's, what the hell!"

"Hey Rich, Celia. You look round Celia. Senior." 

The whole family knew. They knew how dirty I was for loving another man. I couldn't think like is what I kept telling myself but the thoughts came anyways. 

Mom grabbed my arm and brought me into the room they were just occupying. She took a seat at the round table across from me. Senior sat beside her but you could see the distance between them. Richard came in with a waddling Celia. They sat on Senior's side of the table. 

The tension hung thick in the air. No one knew what to say. I wanted to tell them about Jonah, my drug abuse, molly, and so many other things but I didn't. I just sat there with my hands in my lap.

Mom spoke first,

"Ryan baby, your ahem ways aren't acceptable for 

a black man. Now I may have jumped the gun on the whole disowning thing." Senior turned his head to look at the wall 

With sorrow in his voice Richard said "Ryan we miss you and want you home. You've been gone for eight months. You need to come home but..." 

"But what. I am who I am. I loved who I loved!" I was standing now. My head began to hurt with the pounding again. My body began to ache for a fix. 

"That's why Ruth left because you guys are fucking homophobes who can't accept their children." When the words left my mouth, my mom slammed her fist onto the table. 

"You will not speak to me like that. Ever again do you understand? Now we found you and came here because I... we want you home." 

I formed a sentence that I think was the key to my final breaking point. 

"Ummm ok say I do come home you can't change me. I can't be changed, I love..."

My mother got up with conviction "You can change. We found a place... Ruth is there. She says that it has done wonders for her. She'll be home shortly. Please... Son"

"Ruth went to this place? Did it work?"

Richard placed his hand on my back "Yea it did. She's almost done with her treatment and she says she is cured. We want the same for you, we want you back in our lives."

I looked around the table at people who (I thought) loved me and want the best for me, right? If Roo was there then it had to be good. but why wouldn't she tell me she was there?

"Why didn't Ruth tell me she was there?"

My mom looked at me a hint of something in her eyes "she didn't want you to feel like you had to go and rescue her."

"Oh Ok. That makes sense I guess... Fine I'll go, where is this place?"

My mom got up and came to me. She pulled me into an airtight hug. Her brown skin shone with a sheen of sweat but she smelled of something good, something really familiar... she smelled of home. 

My dad left the room, Mom let me go and told me all about Lifestyle Correctional Rehabilitation Center. 

Leaving the station I wanted to go back to my apartment to say bye but they argued against it. I gave Richard my keys so he could stay behind and pack my things. In the car to the airport on my way to the Center a sense of apprehension washed over me but I ignored it. 

I should have listened to that feeling.

********

Ok so I hope that this chapter kind of helps with some of the frustrations. Like I said at the beginning of this chapter thanks for voicing them to me. Also I am looking for an editor to also help with this story and others. In another flashback we will be exploring his time at Lifestyle Correctional Rehabilitation Center, how he came to know Max, and how Ruth aka Roo comes into play with his pain. I'm going to need some help though. If you have any ideas for the next flashback please don't hesitate to tell me. As always thanks for reading, leave comments and positive criticism is always welcome.

xo- D



Old College Flame Ch. 04



Attention: This is from Jonah's point of view. Sorry for the slow update have a horrible case of writers block. Hopefully this will help me with the other chapters. 

*****

Jonah's POV:

It has been 4 years since I saw the man of my dreams. Ryan James was everything I ever dreamed of. He was charming, funny, understanding, and oh so stubborn. He was smaller than me so he fit so perfectly against me. When he would have bad dream he would reach for me and I loved it. I loved the way he felt he needed just as much I needed him.

The night I graduated from college is the most painful night ever. That was the night I lost him. We were in the throes of passion when his mom walked in on us. I wasn't hurt by what she said but the fact she didn't know about me. I couldn't fathom why he would keep us a secret. I was hurt and lost. I left him there knowing he needed me but I was hurt too. 

I ran to my grandma Ma Bell that night. I cried to her about what was going on. The third day I was there she kicked me (literally) in the butt to go to him. 

She said "If you don't go to him you is gonna lose him foreva. Now you may have waited too long but you neva know so git, go before you end up in a world of pain."

She was right. We could talk about why he lied and the other things. I got in Ma Bell's car and raced to the apartment. On the way over there my heart wouldn't stop imploding itself because of the nerves. When I pulled up to the apartment though I had a smile plastered on my face. 

I raced to the door bypassing the note on it. I opened the door and the smile was wiped off of my face as my stomach dropped to the floor. It was nearly empty. My things sat in boxes in the living room. I walked through the place yelling his name hoping he would appear. My mind couldn't wrap itself around the fact that he was gone. 

I read the note on the door over and over again. I cried for hours in my car. Pulling myself somewhat together, I got my things, cleaned the place up, and checked out with the building advisor. 

I told Ma Bell about and she just shook her head. That night I heard sniffles coming from her room. It then dawned on me he didn't just leave me, he left her too. 

After that we moved into the city of New York. I got a job as a director's assistant pretty fast. With the rave reviews from the play I put on in school Maria said "I'll let you be my assistant and maybe groom you to take over." 

That's what she did. She helped me develop my artistic side by letting me co-direct Romeo and Julio play (yea I did a gay spin off of Romeo and Juliet). 

I had from August-November 201. I worked my ass off on the play. The day before the play was to open the private investigator I hired showed up. He told me about Ryan. He gave me his address and told me to tread lightly. 

I left that night on a flight to him. I got close to his address when I saw him. He looked hollow and bleak as if the life was literally drained from him. I got out of my rental car to walk up to him but then some big bald guy went up to him. I stopped in my tracks as they kissed. 

My chest tightened at the sight. I wanted to yell for him but the words wouldn't leave my mouth. I turned around with my pride in my hands and went home. I told Ma Bell about what happened leaving out the kiss part. She just gave me a kind smile and a glass of hooch. 

My play was a success. The reviews I got were amazing. After that I traveled all over the connecting states directing plays. Ma Bell of course the strong ox she is kept up with me. 

It wasn't until we were back in New York on a tour break when a knock on the door changed my life. 

I opened it and there he stood my father. He didn't get two words in before Ma slapped him silly. Once she did that she let him in. Robert Burns my father was there in my living room telling me he was dying. Stage 4 liver cancer is what it was. Since I had a business degree he wanted to turn his company over to me. 

After 2 years of plays and tours I was "retiring". My father was happy to have me run the company. I had to move to Dover, Delaware. The town is small but livable. Everyone was kind and welcoming. 

Ma Bell finally met her match there. She was like Ma Bell except younger and white. She could hold her own with Ma Bell. Her name is Mia. She's average height but slightly taller with heels. She has pale skin that can tan very nicely in the sun. She has auburn hair with bright red streaks scattered throughout. Mia's eyes are one blue, one green.

Mia is unique and beautiful. If I was interested in the female population she would be my ideal woman. With them being so close I didn't have to worry about getting Ma settled. While Mia and Ma were getting acquainted with each other Robert taught me the ropes of running his Microsoft Company. 

Two years in he died unexpectedly. I was officially in charge of the company. 

Going over some documents I didn't get a good vibe from the people handling our portfolio so I put out I was look for someone new. I went to a number of companies before a name popped up on my list that sent my heart into a fit. His name was on my list that means he is working at his dads firm and that means he's close. 

I threw the list and began looking for my calendar. 

"Charlotte" I yell out with excitement oozing from my voice

With a surprised look she comes into my office "Yes sir"

"James CO when do I meet with them?"

"Ummm..."

"Today charlotte!" I don't mean to shout but I have to know if I'm gonna be facing the one that got away. 

Startled she "In 5 minutes sir. Is everything okay Jo?"

"Yes Char, everything is fine." 

She leaves the room only to come back in to tell me that they have arrived. I pick up my office a little bit and go out. My heart a flutter and a smile slathered on my face I look for Ryan. I see only one man who looks similar to Ryan but it's not him. My heart falls when it dawns on me that it's his father. I don't let my smile slip as I introduce myself to his dad. 

Going into my office his dad gets straight to the point

"My son misses you."

"O-o-okay, please have a seat."

Taking a seat "My son Ryan James he has been a mess since the whole debacle with my wife. I have been wanting to contact you for a while but I've been too afraid. My son though my son he needs you."

"OH Mr. James I don't think that..."

"Please at least call him or come to the office and see him. Here is his schedule and work number. Please. I have to go but think about it." 

With that he was gone. I did some research and I couldn't refute what I read. I wanted them to have my account because they were good, responsible, but also had the love of my life working there so that was a plus. 

When I was threating to take away my account I didn't expect Ryan to come running to the rescue nor did I expect him to react that way. I was acting irrational because I wanted a bad enough excuse to see him. 

That night when I was on my way to my apartment I didn't expect to the see the Ryan I did. I had so many questions for him. I wanted to know what happened to the carefree Ryan I loved, still do. 

I wonder if he still loves me.

*******

Okay so more filler. I wanted to give some type of story to Jonah. We all now know what happened to him and what he's been up to. Sorry for the crappiness. As always thanks for reading, leave comments and positive criticism is always welcome.

xo- D



Old College Flame Ch. 04: Flashback



Attention: I was gonna go full blown fucked up dark with this but I decided against it because I don't want to scare off my faithful readers. It will be a little itty bitty dark but nothing too bad.

***

I have been in this place for 30 days, 18 hours, 10 minutes, and 45...46 seconds. 

I thought that the place could help me but I was wrong. I thought I would get to see Roo but I was also wrong. Between the ice baths and mental beat downs I was becoming increasingly wrong. I wanted to yell through the halls looking for Roo. 

But something changed. On the 31st day I felt lighter, happier. I wasn't having those thoughts anymore. 

On the 31st day I decided that I would walk around and see what else this dungeon has to offer. I never left my room, too afraid of what would happen but on that day curiosity got the best of me. It didn't look like a dungeon once you get passed the cells they call bedrooms. It had 3 floors, very nice rooms with a TV that played hetero or 'straight' porn 24/7, and great food that was shoved down your throat if you tried to starve. This place looked like an upscale Rehab center but the secrets that lie behind these walls contradict the interior, just like the bruises. 

I was walking around when a game room of sorts caught my attention. There were a few other people there that looked as hollow as I felt. They all looked like me, broken and afraid. Except for one girl she looked braved or undeterred and familiar. She sat in the corner chair scribbling something in a notebook. My eyes scrunched as my brain tried to drag an old memory from its archives. 

My heart began to beat again, my soul was feeling refreshed, and my body froze as I realized who it was. She had a fro pulled back by a headband. She looked like a black queen. All she needed was her fist held high and the picture would be complete. Ruth looked beautiful and strong. 

I was just looking at her afraid if I moved then I'd wake from my dream. It was like old times again and I knew she could feel me, just as I could always feel her in the same room as me. I knew she felt my presence because she began scanning the room. When we made eye contact it was like a rush of adrenaline or fresh air. It was like the sun was shining down on me once again. We embraced each other hard almost bruising. 

I inhaled her scent so I could try to memorize it. I traced my fingers on her face to remember every bump, curve, or freckle. My heart still hurt from he who shall not be named but seeing her, made it better... made it bearable. 

Laughing through the tears she brought me to the side of the room she was previously occupying. We sat down staring at each other as if we were trying to read the others thoughts. 

She pulled me in again "Oh, I thought I would never see you again. Oh Ry!"

Pulling from her because that name still stung me "I know, I know, what... I can't believe this. 

How long have you been here, why didn't you write, why wouldn't, you keep in contact with me..."

"Ok ok hold on. First I have been here for 2 

months maybe 4 I don't even know anymore, the days just run together. Yea I was in Cali but then money ran low and I tried to get into my trust fund, well only being 18 and I can't touch it till I'm 22 mom fought me on it months ago hence why I'm here. If I can come out of this 'rehabilitated' then I can get my trust. Second I wanted to but I didn't want you to keep your hopes up of me coming back which leads me to three. I really wanted to reach out to you but I just didn't want to do that you know adding salt to the wound doesn't make it better."

I look down at my hands wanting to be mad at her for doing that. I couldn't hold onto my anger because I understood her reason. She didn't want to hurt me any worse with false hope. 

With a small smile "Well at least we can bear this together."

She shook her head agreeing with me. 

"So what have you been up too Ryan?"

I can't look her in her eyes because I'm embarrassed at how I've acted. The way I spiraled out of control was just so unforgivable. I never thought I could die from it or hurt anyone. 

Staring at her hands I tell her the whole story even Jonah. I let her know of the drugs, alcohol, body modifications, all of it. I let her have it. 

When I'm done she just stares at me with tears at the brim of her eyes. She pulls me into another hug. 

"Oh Ryan, you poor sweet dummy. Don't ever do things like that again ok." She pulls away to look me in my eyes. I shake my head ok

"Promise me."

"I promise."

We talk a little while longer too coordinate when/where to meet again. When we settle into a talk about mom a siren sounds. I get a stricken look on face while Roo puts on this blank passive face. 

The next day I woke with a new found strength. Even when they electrocuted my penis when showing naked men I fought to keep myself intact. The strength however left me after the first shock. I cried out for Roo, Ray, even Jonah. When they were done I didn't have any more fight left in me but I did have the love of Roo so it sort of cushioned the blows. 

Weeks or maybe months after seeing Roo the first time we met here and there. We found a way to send letters to each other. We were finally back into the groove of having each other. No more being alone or feeling lonely. 

She was my light and after sometime we realized that we need a plan to flee that place. The judge had decided in favor of Roo. She was being released the next day but they were denying her that. On the 58th day she was ripped from me once again. 

They threw her in some room with no windows. I couldn't bear to be in the same building and not have her. I wasn't going to give her up that easy. I snuck to go see her. Two times was all I got in before they caught me. When I was caught they would strap me to a small wooden table with cuffs. They would whip me until I bled reciting the bible to me. 

75 days, 6 hours, 40 minutes, and 8 seconds and I was running. I was running towards my freedom with my sister by my side. Climbing over fences and through some tall grass we were getting closer and closer to freedom. 

Making it to the forest we could hear dogs in the background of our labored breathing. Before going into the woods I had a moment or epiphany rather. I looked at my baby sister all grown up. She was gorgeous, had her trust money, and was so close to her freedom. I couldn't help be in awe of her. I knew if we tried to run together we'd get caught.

Looking at her barely red tinted cheeks, her bright brown eyes I knew we were never meant to have each other long. I knew then she deserved more happiness in the world than what I could or anyone in that fact, give her so I did what any good big brother would do.

I pushed her. 

I urged her to go, to run, and never look back for anyone to just run and forget this place. She pleaded with me, cried for me to come with her but I just kept urging her to run as I backed away from her. 

I took off running away from her making as much noise as I could. I wanted them to catch me and that's what they did. They hauled me back to that table and told me how worthless, dirty, disgusting, and filthy I was for helping Satan herself from escaping. 

88 days, 4 hours, 6 minutes, and 19 seconds

That was how many days I spent locked inside of the hell hole of a "Rehab" center.

On my release day my dad hugged me tightly. My father was never the sentimental man so when he hugged me I cried a little into his shoulder. He just looked me with the saddest eyes. My brother came and clapped me on the back while a tired but beautiful Celia brought me my niece Grace. My mother was nowhere to be seen, for that I was happy, relieved even. 

No one spoke of Mom. She was some distant memory that no one wanted to bring up. It wasn't until curiosity finally got the best of me. 

Wiping my mouth of bacon burger juices "So where is mother dearest?"

My father coughed and Rich looked a little pale. 

Celia never once looking up from grace "she is sick. Almost close to death we guess."

I looked at them wondering how to feel about this news. After enjoying the little time we all had together we went and saw mom. 

She looked so fragile. She had asked for my forgiveness. I didn't want to give it to her but what could I do she's my mom.

2 months 19 days or to sum it up 80 days, is how long I was in hell but there she lay frail. When she saw me she looked so happy to see me. I thought for a moment that maybe she had changed her mind. That maybe she would understand that I am ok being who I am. 

That hope was dashed when she began asking about the center. I told all she wanted to hear. I was cured, I didn't like men in that way, and yes of course I'll find a nice girl and procreate. 

Looking at her I know shell never change her ways. 

~April~

All the time I was home I was the straight amazing son. I was slowly learning the company ways and being groomed to take over. I knew that I would always come home but I had hoped it wouldn't be filled with pain. 

We were taking family pictures being 'carefree' and 'happy'. I was pained inside. I wanted to drink to rid myself of those memories. I struggled through that day. I was wondering what happened to Roo, my Florida family, even him. 

I was plagued with all those questions even as I looked at Grace admiring her innocence. I had/have fallen in love with her the moment I held her. I was going to be the best uncle ever. I didn't want her to experience the same pain I did so I knew she needed me to help guide her. 

The first holiday we celebrated as family after my release was Easter. My mom was feeling better and home. That day like many others we all acted like one big happy family. We all laughed like senior wasn't cheating. We spoke as if mom didn't have divorce papers already drawn up. We took pictures as if I wasn't in eternal pain. 

That night after Easter as I laid in bed I couldn't keep my mind off of the family I had made in Florida. I tossed and turned until the sun came peeking above the skyline. I got up the day after on a mission. 

I called the complex and Nancy of course picked up. I talked my morning away with her. She told me about how devastated Molly was when I disappeared. I told her about the center. I just updated her on everything. 

After that I at least knew I had some support. 

2 years later.

I stood in my bathroom mirror looking at the man I had become. I was looking at someone I didn't even know. He had grey in his beard, my hair looking trimmed but with grey hairs peeking through. 

I was looking at the shell of someone who once knew happiness. 

When I made that revelation I gave into my urges. It was sometime in July I wanted no needed to some affection that wasn't forced. I needed to feel something more than the hollow thud of my muscular organ in its cage. 

I had decided that I was going to go to a BDSM club. With my form fitting pants, loose shirt, favorite chucks, and glasses I was off to uncover a world that could help me. 

Walking into the club my senses were immediately hit with the low lighting. My eyes were adjusting while my ears where straining to hear anything. I was walking through the countless bodies. 

People were on leashes and some were being used as tables. I was walking past a couple -I assumed-to get to the bar when I saw a guy on all fours licking this other guys foot. I turned ways from it feeling like my eyes were being intrusive. 

Sitting at the bar with a glass of water in my hand I felt a presence behind me. I wanted to turn around but fear took over what was left of my brain, telling me to run. Trying to focus on the drink in my hand I could feel body heat on my back. 

Looking up into the mirror dark eyes were staring at me while a devilish smile was playing on his lips. 

Taking the empty seat next to me "You. Are. New." 

His velvety voice glided over me. I couldn't contain the shiver of how my body reacted.

"I am, thanks for pointing that out."

A laugh flowed from his lips that made my dick stir "Sorry for being captain obvious. What brings you here to my home of wonders?"

Home of wonders, what in the actual fuck does that mean. I hide my confusion with a smile.

"I'm looking for an escape or really to feel something different per say."

"Oh an escape is what we... I offer here."

He placed a hand on my arm, staring intently at me "My name is Max and I can help with that."

He took my hand and started leading me through the bodies of people that seemed the same but were all so different. Coming to the stairs you could see he demanded people to obey him. The excitement in me was bubbling over. A stupid grin was plastered on my face. 

Going into his office we sat down in some chairs. He handed me a glass of something brown. The temptation was too great but I resisted. 

"Why don't you drink mystery man?"

"Sorry I'm Ryan and I never really liked it."

"Oh ok, well tell me Ry, what is it you want escape from or feel?"

DAMN there goes that godforsaken name. I didn't flinch this time but it still hurts. Its official I am gonna change my name. 

"I want to feel something other than the hollowness inside."

A smile formed on his lips as he told me of the different things we could do to help with that. The one thing that stood out to me was ole tried and true. whipping. 

I stopped him mid-sentence "I want to be whipped"

His grew big with my statement.

"Are you sure?" his words were barely above a whisper. I wasn't sure, I never was or am but something in me always felt well afterwards so I shook my head yes. 

"Ok well young Ryan how about you come back here Saturday at 2:00 pm and we'll talk some more 

about this."

I just shook my head trying to register why I just agreed to do that. We got up and shook hands. He led me all the way out to a cab. He gave me one last look before going back into the club. My mind was swirling with questions but I just got in the cab and went home. 

Tomorrow I will have to get something's cleared up. 

***** 

This is crappy I apologize for that. Sorry for the long wait, writers block is a bitch. This chapter is really just filler. I have been working on it for a long time so go easy with criticism or not. I'll try my hardest to get the present day chapter 4 up but who knows. As always thanks for reading, leave comments and positive criticism is always welcome.

xo- D



Old College Flame Ch. 05



Attention: Sooooooo folks I am going to try and get into the groove of every other week to get these thangs posted but work is kicking my bootay. Also this may be crappy for which I apologize I just can't seem to find the right words for stuff. Yup yup read up. 

*****

Being shook awoke I open my eyes to scan my surrounding. I take in the soft glow of the radio, Jonah's musky scent, and his hand on my shoulder. I gingerly sit up trying to shake the empty feeling from my empty dream. I look to Jonah to see his face etched with worry. I shrug from his grasp and get out of the car. I know he wants to help but I'm not ready for that.

I walk to the door debating on whether or not to let him in. I open the door leaving it open for him. He cautiously walks into my house as if I'm going to hit him. I should but that's neither here nor there. He slowly walks over to the kitchen bar gazing at my empty living room walls. 

A small smile "What happened to the guy who hated bare walls"

Without batting an eye "He died."

"Oh"

I pull out 2 beers from the fridge. I know that I shouldn't have the drink but I'll go to an AA meeting. 

I slide a bud towards him. 

We stare at each other, with old times trying to creep into the silence. I can feel his eyes scanning my body like old times. I feel the urge to reach out to my old lover, to feel the heat of his body on mine like old times. 

Swallowing the lump in my throat with the beer I turn from him. I grab my home phone and give it to him. 

"You can call a cab to come and get you."

I don't know what look is on his face as I walk up the stairs. I softly close the door to my bedroom. The pictures of my false happiness with my family stare back at me. I feel the anger bubbling under my skin. It's seething out of my pores and before I can stop myself I throw my beer at the pictures. 

Tears streaming down my face and my heart ripping itself apart I fall to my knees. Sobs echoing off the walls I didn't hear Jonah walk in. I feel his arms wrap around me. I want to fight his hold but he's stronger than me like always. 

He brings me to bed like he used to. He holds me to him like he used. I cry into his shoulder like I used to. Realizing just how much I truly missed not just my lover but my friend I drift to dreamland.

__

Beep.

Beep. Beep.

Beep.

The alarm clock was turned off by its self. The alarm clock magically stopped beeping. Jumping from the bed I barely register the dull pain in my back as Jonah stares at me with confusion clouding his beautiful green eyes. 

"You turned the clock off?" I did not mean for it to come out like a question. He just shook his head yes. A few more seconds of staring passed before he left. Just because of what happened last night does not mean I don't have work today. 

I went through my morning routine much more sluggishly. Showering tenderly, the feeling of longing creeping its way into the pits of my stomach. Resting against the stream of my shower, memories of a naked Jonah run through my mind. All of the memories I spent years trying to forget flood my brain. 

Stepping out to get dressed, I can still smell him. His cologne lingers in my room. With my heart twisting into knots I dress in all black. Adjusting my tie in the mirror I can remember the way his fingers felt against my skin last night and the other nights. My lower region flutters awake at the remembrance of his touch, kiss, and his love. 

I hold onto the dresser trying to fight the urge to run to him. 

Once I get my feelings under control I leave my room to find a note on a plate. 

Ry,

Sorry to leave urgent office stuff we'll talk later.

Love Jo

I throw away the letter along with the plate of food. I grab coffee and a bagel and head out. 

Going into the office the feeling of normality washes over me. Yelena walks in my office handing me messages along with my agenda for the day. A sliver of hope resides in my mind wanting to see his name on my schedule. I don't. 

Up until lunch he's there in my mind and each time my heart constricts more and more. When Yelena brings me the usual for lunch she is closing the door and drawing the blinds. Yelena sits down across from me. 

With a smug look "So how was your night?"

Taking a swig of sprite "It was good, and no we didn't do anything. He took care of me then left. That's it."

Stabbing lettuce a smile tugs at her lips "Okay boss."

She left that subject alone and moved on to other stuff. We talked meetings, clients, and family. She is going to start her weeklong vacation after today. With lunch finished the rest of the day zoomed by. 

Walking through the door of my house the need to call Molly is strong. 

Grabbing a coke and phone I make myself comfortable on the couch. Dialing her number I wait for the rings to stop. 

"My love, my heart how are you."

A smile plasters itself on my face when she answers.

"Hey Mol, I'm good. How is everyone else and by everyone else I mean RJ?"

"He is good. He's growing up so fast I can't believe he's gonna be three this year. Sad face. When are you coming for a visit?"

"Hopefully I'll be down for his birthday."

I could hear her smile. We talked about the community along with the kids. We also talked about how Nancy was bouncing back after her brush with cancer. She found out a year ago she ovarian cancer but it was stage one. She had one round of chemo and surgery. She came out the other side with the communities help. I paid for the medical bills because of what she did for me. 

Talking to molly always put me in a good mood. When I got done talking to her I knew that I had to get back on the wagon. All of the drinking I do will not help me with my pain. 

Cleaning out my fridge I wonder if Jonah will call or maybe come back. Walking up the stairs to my room I strip off my clothes. I lay in bed willing tears to stay put so I can forget about the source of my heartache. Rogue tears fall down pooling on either side of my pillow. For the umpteenth time my heart is shattering again. 

--

Sitting at my desk going over the file for our newest client Yelena walks in with a solemn look. 

"Uh boss, your 5 is here."

"What's wrong Lena, send them in."

She bites her lip and hesitates before she leaves again. I put my nose back into my file when a knock disrupts me. I look up and holy Moses there he is. Still tall, even olive skin, and those mesmerizing green eyes. 

"Hey Ry."

He steps in closing the door. I stand from my seat trying to pick and emotion to focus on. Am I happy, sad, overjoyed, angry. Gah no one knows. I don't know. A whole month gone and here he is. I just look at him.

Stepping forward "Ry say something."

His voice barely a whisper I go with my first instinctive move.

*****

Hola my peeps. Here it is the present version. It's another filler but I finally have the wheels turning again. This chapter is not that good but the next one will be a little bit better. I apologize for the shortness. Like always leave comments and positive criticism is always welcome. 

xo- D



Old College Flame Ch. 05: Flashback



Attention: This will be the last flashback (I think). I hope that I have covered all bases with this, if not then please let me know. This may be a sucky chapter too, so um if you dislike it, I completely understand. Yup yup read up.

*****

1:59 p.m.

I stood outside of the club studying the way it looked, old but so fruitful. The way the sun shone upon it gave it an aged look. I was fascinated with it, with the way every curve made way to a crack.

The dull red bricks lined up in a pattern that is none. The name of the club that was full blown last night was now off and showing signs of aging. In the day time the club looked tired but at night it came to life. 

2:00 p.m. 

Sigh...

I pushed open the doors to go and meet Max, but was stopped in my tracks. There he stood in a plain t-shirt and jeans with his arms wrapped around some young lady. They were in a moment that seemed too personal for me to watch. I crept backwards until my back hit a wall. 

I slid into a corner to let them have their privacy. The way he held her like a delicate flower, as though she were the only thing holding him to this earth. With a small peck on the cheek the moment ended. She didn't walk out, she floated out, the wind under her feet.

I stood in my spot as I watched the door she just left out. My admiration had found a home. In my thoughts I didn't notice Max had walked up behind me. Without warning he grabbed me by my waist. I turned startled by the sudden intrusion of my space.

"Were you watching us?" 

Max asked me with a playful smirk on his face. I could only nod half in embarrassment and the other half to dumb founded to speak. He chuckled lightly and took my hand. He led me away from the corner to his office. 

When I sat down my curiosity was at its peak. Before I could stop the words from barreling out of my mouth, I blurted "Was she your wife?"

The question must have been funny because he laughed. He laughed quite hard. I sat there a few seconds while the feeling of burning cheeks crept into my system. He stopped and stared at me his eyes a golden ember of amusement. 

"She is not my wife yet..."

"Yet?"

"She's my fiancé."

"Oh, I'm confused."

"My work is to be a Dom or dominant. She, Tory, is or was my sub of sorts, we fell in love with each other so somethings changed in our relationship. She is not my sub anymore nor am I her master. She is my love and I am hers. We rid ourselves of those titles and are now just a couple."

Confusion still contorted my face. "But, you still do this?"

"I still do dom/sub relationships just no sex and Tory knows about all of my new subs."

I was relieved that I didn't have to have sex with him. I do like sex but that isn't the relationship I want with Max. Sex was good but it didn't satisfy me as much as the whippings did. The feeling of leather connecting to my back gave me more fulfillment than any man could. Well, besides... 

"So no sex and I get to indulge in my favorite activity, that's what you're telling me?"

"Yup" 

He stopped beside me and slide me a drink. The brown liquid cooling over ice as it sat on the desk. He took his seat across from me and swallowed his own glass of the liquid easily. I left the glass on the table, deciding it was better to stay clear headed for this. 

Looking at him taking in his features, I can't help but wonder when we are going to get started. 

"When does this begin?" I asked him to break the silence that had settled over us.

"As soon as... ah here she is with the paper work."

A lovely plump lady walked in with a manila folder, she handed it over to Max, causing a polite but genuine smile to spread across his face as he took it into his hands with a thank you to the woman. He pulled out a small pile of papers. 

"Look these over and sign them."

I nodded my head in agreement my hands shaking as I took the papers from him. I couldn't help but notice the amusement behind his smile, while his eyes studied my face, like a lion scouting its location. I licked my lips in anticipation. The words spelling out what I already know. 

i.No sexual acts will be performed on said submissive

ii.Said submissive will not perform sexual acts on said dominant

So on, so forth. I continued flipping through pages and with each page Max's eyes danced with delight. Some of the words made my face shift from confusion to complete and utter enthusiasm. The more I read about how he would take care of me and give me the right care after each session.

Since I didn't need or want him to take care of me financially or emotionally it was outlined that it wasn't to be expected but it would be given when needed. With my bottom lip between my teeth I couldn't help but feel a sense of wanting to be taken care of. To feel wanted by someone who really wants me for me and not what my body can offer. 

I was on the last page of the contract when a word caught my eye. It was a simple word but it held something far beyond my reach. On the last page of something that will seal my pleasure filled fate.

i.Blood may or may not be extracted from said submissive.

My eyes snapped from the paper to Max and back again. My nerves shot through the roof at the thought of being whipped so hard that blood is brought to the surface. 

"Uh Max, you won't whip me until there's blood, would you?"

A mischievous glint appeared in max's eyes "No, not unless you want me to get that rough."

I was picking at my nails wondering maybe that this wasn't the best option for me. I should do this. I shouldn't be here with a man who wants to cause me actual harm for pleasure. I was second guessing my decision. 

Max saw the indecisive look in sprawled on my face. He leaned forward on his elbows with concern etching his features. I didn't want to worry him that I was not going to go through this but I was second guessing myself. 

"Look Ry..."

When he said that name something in me broke. I could hear the snapping of the fragile string that was holding my heart together break in two. My chest constricted and I had to choke back a sob of pain. 

"Please try not to call me that name."

"Ok Ryan, I want to help you with this, but if you don't feel comfortable then you can walk away from this. I won't be mad at you or judge you. It's all in your hands."

I placed the papers on the desk, looking for a pen. I looked at the first page and decided that it was time to take some control in my life and this was it. I signed the papers sealing my pleasurable fate. 

That night we talked more but I didn't delve too much into my pain. It was a week after our meeting on another Saturday that we had our first session. The pain tamed the demons that swirled inside of me. I developed a new threshold for my pain. 

I felt myself become more in control of me and my life. I exceled in work, making my dad proud (at least I hoped). The more control I had in my time with Max the more I used that in my work. I become ruthless. People knew me, I was moving in ranks thanks to Max.

It had been about 6 months into our "relationship" when something tragic had happened. 

I didn't become close to Tory but we had an understanding of one another. She talked to me from time to time about ma and their wedding. It was one of those times in his office. 

We had just finished a session when we came into his office laughing about something. She was perched on his desk looking as though she belonged there. Which she did. 

I sat in the chair across the desk and he took his original spot. 

"Good session I take it."

Max placed a hand on her knee "Yes, it was love."

I blushed at the endearment. I averted my eyes to look outside. The sun wasn't shining any more. The day went from sunny to dreary. 

I got up with my things in tow "Well I'm going, same time next week?"

Max shook his head as if barely registering my words. 

I left them happy but later that night a frantic max called me. 

It was well into the night when I got the call that he needed me. I drove to the hospital he was at.

When I got there he fell into my arms as he repeated over and over "she's gone, she's gone". The sobs echoed off of the room we were in. His tears stained my shirt but I stayed I had to. We were more than dom/sub, we became sort of friends. In that horrific time he needed me for his pain just like I needed him for mine.

After that night I stayed with max. I helped with the funeral and the tearing down of his wedding. I put her into boxes when he couldn't. I became a life line for him, I became the person I needed when I went through my own heart break. 

After some months of his wallowing I could see he was sinking lower and lower into despair. He was letting his business go and his health was deteriorating. I didn't know how to help him from the hole he was burying himself in. 

The old feeling of cowardice was creeping back into me. Along with that feeling was the feeling of disgust, shame, hate, and guilt. I couldn't keep the emotions at bay anymore. My outlet was gone, dying from the inside out. 

I didn't know how else to get him out of the rut and save myself. I did the one thing o knew would give us both the control we needed. I knew that maybe it was dangerous for us to delve into our activities with our mind fogged with heartache. 

It was six or so months when I went to him. I went to his house to retrieve Max. He looked tired as always, that confirmed for me that we had to go through with this or we would both die. 

I made him clean up his appearance, put on some comfortable clothes, and wear his favorite outfit for our time. When we got into the car his facial didn't change. It went from boredom to surprise when we arrived to the expensive condo. Parking in the garage I turned to look at him. 

"Ryan why am I here?"

"You need, no we need this. Just come with me and you'll see."

With a hefty sigh we both left the car. We got into the elevator letting silence fill the room. Looking at our reflections in the mirror you can see our emotions has ran our bodies ragged. It dinged and we got off on the 18th floor. Walking the corridor we come upon door 5. 

We walk into the empty place. He looks around with an unimpressed eye. I walk to the hallway and nodded for him to follow me. We go into the room where I want it to happen. There is plastic on the floor and walls. There is a small wooden table with cuffs attached to it. My inner self cringes knowing what is about to happen but my outer shell is blank. I couldn't let him see me crumbling. 

"Ryan..."

Panic rose in my throat as he said my name in that broken manner

"Ok before you say anything please hear me out. We both know that this one thing here let us exercise our control. You need to have something in your grasp molding it to your liking and letting out all of your emotions and me well I need to get my emotions back in check. I need this to control me. Please Max you have to see that we..."

"Okay, I'll do it."

"Have to have... wait what?"

"I'll do it, for you and... for me."

I let a small smile form on my lips as I got ready. I took off my shirt, socks, and shoes leaving only my white willowy bottoms. I laid across the table as he cuffed my wrist to the table. He never questioned my need for the table. I needed this apart of the process because it reminded me of a place where the emotions stemmed from. It also helped me remember the last beautiful memory that is my sister. 

Morbid yes but it was just something part of my psyche that I felt I needed. 

"Ok Ryan like always safe word is Red, and I need your verbal yes."

"Yes."

With anticipation building up that when he delivered the first hit I yelled in pain and a bit of ecstasy that I didn't even realize he barely hit me. It was with the second blow that I realized he wasn't putting his all into it. 

"Max, I can handle it."

"Ryan I don't wanna hurt you."

"MAX DO IT."

That must have startled him because his third blow was strong and fast but not calculated. His blows became nastier and nastier. I think he was 20 licks or maybe 1000 licks but you could hear my skin tear open as he brought the whip down again. 

The spray of blood was palpable. The way it hit the plastic was a defining sound that seemed to break Max's and I trance. He dropped the whip and fell to his knees. I couldn't do anything to console him. Time stretched on as his sobs echoed throughout the room. 

Once he regained his self, he let me out. He tended to my wound callously. Doing the bare minimum to keep it from infecting. We didn't talk but we knew that our contract was void and our relationship forever changed. 

After that he moved into the apartment for easy access in the beginning. We went back to our weekly schedule which turned into a monthly then turned into a whenever I or he needed it session. Our friendship turned into a partnership. Max picked his business up and I became better at my work. 

He would become sly with me, give me smirk, or sometimes that devilish grin would creep its way onto his face. That was what our relationship turned into and I settled into it. 

Yelena didn't like him because of the very first time she saw what he had done to me. We had gotten into a really bad argument and he was relentless that night. My back still bears the scars and Yelena still bears the image of that. Ever since then she has taken care of me each visit. We would act like it was all a coincidence when she would pop up but it wasn't we worked like a clock. I called him, she tailed me then waited, and once I came out she would take care of his damage. 

Yelena coming to my rescue made us closer. She was the mother I could rely on even though I'm her boss. She knew me inside and outside of work better than my own parents. That's why I know I can call her for support. 

What Max and I have was (is) dysfunctional but he knows my pain just like I know his and that's why it works. 

***

Yay!! Flashback 5, oh yea! Who likes it, who doesn't? Let me know and a lot of questions about the parents and Roo are gonna be in present Ch. 6. Yup and I do apologize for the hiatus but work and life (procrastination) got in the way. As always please leave comments and positive criticism is always welcome!

xo-D



Old College Flame Ch. 06



Attention: Hope this holds you over until next time. Also I don't own any rights to the lyrics or song (in that case) that is used in this chapter. Yup yup read up. 

*****

The punch made a thud sound in my office. 

He was holding the spot on his where I just hit him "Ok I get it."

He sits down in the chair across from my desk. I am shaking not from anger but from rampant emotions. I don't know how to respond to his sudden appearance. Sitting beside him, I take the handkerchief from my pocket. I wipe the dribble of blood from his mouth. 

Wiping the blood from his mouth I can't help but run my finger across his lip. It's just as I remembered, smooth. Before I can overthink or blink I kiss him. It's an impulsive move that blindsided both of us. Immediately the longing appears. 

The kiss is frantic, searching. As our lips move in chaos, blood trickles into my mouth. The sweet taste of Jonah and copper mix together making me leak into my pants. Somehow I maneuver from my seat and straddle his legs. His hands roam my covered torso while mine are trying desperately to roam everywhere. 

Lost in our world of lust and long forgotten passion a small moan escapes his lips. The moan snaps me back to reality. I pull away from him. Sitting in his lap I see the puffiness of lips. Bruised from the punch and kiss his lips look that much more inviting. 

I remove myself from him. I stand against my desk, willing my body to calm down. 

He stands trapping me on the desk "Ry, my Ry, don't fight this."

I push him away. 

"Yelena, cancel the rest of the day I'm going home."

I gather my things up "Come on."

I say bye to Yelena and passersby. We reach my car in silence. The drive home was met with the same silence accept for the radio. It outputs a song familiar to my ears. Turning it up I realize it's a song that hasn't graced my ears since college. 

"You gave it all, into the call 

You took a chance and 

You took a fall for us"

The lyrics fill the car with remembrance. Our first date was at some restaurant. Jonah was the perfect gentleman. We were sharing our future plans with each other when this somber song came on. He took hold of my hand. He brought it to his lips and kissed my knuckles while he hummed the melody. It was in that moment I knew he was the one for me. No girl or boy would ever compare to him or his love. 

Arriving at the house, we just sit. Letting the lyrics fall onto us. Trying to bring back what was had in the past into the future. I look to him as she sings the last notes. It's happening all over again. I'm falling for the man who has always had my heart. 

With the song over, we exit the car going inside. Standing in the foyer of my house. The staring contest begins. I can no longer make moves. I want him to want me as much. We stand for seven long seconds. He moves forward making me move back. 

In two strides my back hits the wall with him trapping me in a beautiful lock. I put my arms around his neck. With his arms holding himself up on the wall he bends down to me. His lips graze mine. That action was enough invitation for me. I tip my head up and smash our lips together. His arms move from the wall to my waist.

He engulfs me in his love. Our lips move together in the almost forgotten pattern. No more chaos, no more searching, just us. Our lips no longer have to find answers to unasked questions. He lifts me up, so my legs wrap around him. 

My jacket slides off, while his thrown off. I rip open his shirt, while he takes his time with my mine. We end up on the couch. It feels as though time has slowed down. My hands roam up and down committing his body to my memory. I want this memory to stay no matter what happens. 

He captures my lips again in a slow pace as if he wants to savor my taste. The kiss moves from my lips, to my neck, my collar bone, and down my stomach. He brushes his lips against my nipples causing me to shudder.

"Since when are your nipples sensitive."

Looking down into those exquisite green eyes I tell him the truth "Since I lost you."

His face softens from the lust ridden man to a gentle caring one. He continues his trail of kisses down. He unbuckled my belt teasingly. He buries his face on my dick. A groan escapes my lips from the pressure. He unbuttons my pants, he pulls them down along with my underwear. 

He trails kisses in the inside of my thigh, torturing me with anticipation. He stops the trail right at the tip of my cock. 

Breathlessly "Jonah please."

I don't want to beg but I am feigning for the one drug that won't ruin me or at least I hope wont ruin me. Jonah looks into my eyes and sees the desperation in them. He takes me in his mouth all at once. The whimper that I release doesn't shame me. I'm in need of him.

Minutes or hours or maybe days pass as he gives me the most intense blow job. My hands wander over his head. Jonah pulls off of me with a pop. He comes back up to me and gives me a kiss. I taste myself along with his own unique taste.

I push him up so he is sitting. I don't take my time with torture. I go straight for the object of my desire. With his pants and underwear gone I engulf the tip of him. The way his body bucks under my tongue has me achingly hard. Taking him deep within my throat he yells out

"Ry! Fuck Ry I'm gonna cum."

I release him. I crawl into his lap, placing my arms around his neck. I swoop in for the lustful kiss. Our lips move in new found sync. I don't fight him for dominance. I want him to lead me, I crave for him to lead me. 

He gets off of the couch with me in his arms. Carrying me to my bed I feel weightless. He lays me down on the bed. Holding his weight on his arms he takes me in. His eyes scan me from head to toe. It's like he's taking a photograph of me.

Jonah rubs his hands on my sides and flips me. From the base of my neck to the top of my crack there are wet marks that resemble kisses. Massaging my cheeks a little he pulls them apart. The cold air hits the spot that hasn't been touched in years. My body quivers as his tongue darts in and out. 

The nerves in my skin on light on fire. He removes his tongue, replacing it with a finger. It meets resistance at first. 

In between kisses "Ry. Baby. Let. Me. In."

With those soft words, I relax. Jonah's finger invades me without hesitation. He stretches me, getting me ready for him to take me. His fingers work me over. I'm grinding into the bed, smearing pre-cum everywhere. He teases my hot spot. While he scissors me he doesn't let his fingers put pressure on it. He grazes it carefully, causing me to arch my back. 

He removes his fingers from me. He flips me onto my back. I scoot up until I rest on the pillows. Looking into his eyes I feel something click. Not snap or break but click. I lace my arms around his neck to bring him to me. As our lips meet I feel the pressure of him at my spot. My tongue darts into his mouth as he enters me. 

I hold onto him so that my screams of pain won't come ripping from my throat. I can feel his teeth grazing my neck as I get used to him all over again. As we rock together in slow unison fireworks are being sparked everywhere. My head falls back letting out a huge breath. Gazing into those captivating green eyes 

"Take me Jo."

He smashes our lips together, ramming into me. Gone is the gentleness. It's replaced with rough and needy. Our moans mix together making the perfect melody. My body arches into his fitting perfectly. I bounce up to meet his thrust. I reach down to rub myself but he stops me. 

"Ryan, I'm gonna fuck the cum out of you."

His words surprise me while also enticing me. He holds my hand above my head. The head board bangs against the wall, my nails are digging marks into his back, while he marks me on my neck. I push up into him and he hit my hot spot. I throw my head back at the sudden pleasure. 

Jonah pulls out flips me around. On all fours he rams back into me. He instantly finds my hot spot and pounds it. I can't make coherent sounds other than

"Oh fuck, Jonah fuck me raw" 

"Ryan so tight baby I'm..." 

Our bodies were once again in sync. Jonah dug his nails into my hips and plunged into me one more time before cumming. As his first rope was deposited into me, I came. All over my self and sheets. 

Seven dizzying minutes passed before we collapsed. Jonah never took himself out of me. We got under the covers together. With his cock in my ass, arms wrapped around me, I finally found my peace. 

*****

No this is not the end. I actually had fun writing this. I may make another one after this over (maybe). Hope you liked it, if not then oh well. As always please leave comments and positive criticism is always welcome!

xo- D



Old College Flame Ch. 07



Attention: This isn't the end. I also want to dedicate this chapter to my fateful commenter's cannd and aclassylady. Without you guys I probably wouldn't have kept this going so thanks so much for the idea's and comments I truly do appreciate it.

***

Why did I dream last night? Why were my dreams of happier times? Should I stop the dreams assaulting my mind right now?

"Ry, wake up, Ry baby come on."

Stirring awake, I open my eyes to the most vibrant green color I have ever seen. Opening my eyes, letting them adjust I can see a fire burning inside of them. It's like a green light with flickers of embers swirling around in them. 

A sleepy smile forms on my lips when he brushes his nose against my forehead. When he leans away from me I can't help but feel incomplete without his warmth. I reach out to touch him, to feel that he is really here with me.

"Jonah, you're really here."

A wide grin spread across his face as if he just let the realization settle into his bones. 

"Yea I am, and with that I need you to get up, shower, and get dressed. I have some stuff planned for us"

I jump from bed with renewed enthusiasm that quickly dissipates as the pain from last night shoots through my backside. I can hear Jonah chuckle at my predicament. Before I can turn and give him the finger he picks me up bridal style and carries me to the bathroom. He sits me on the toilet to turn on the shower. 

Sitting on the toilet it gives me a chance to not only lovingly but really look at him. The way his back muscles retract with each move he makes. The curve of his back that leads to an amazing ass. His smooth chocolate skin that is covered by his shirt, I know would be glistening with the dew from the shower. 

I squirm on the seat willing myself not to get hard. It's been so long that I have been able to get hard that last night it felt like someone finally gave me the fresh air I needed. When he was deep within me I felt whole again. Last night I achieved something Max and I were grasping to accomplish. 

He turns to me with a playful smirk "Can you walk to the shower?"

With a huff I stood up. Walking to the shower hurt in places that hadn't hurt in years. I made it to the shower with a brave face. The water hit me in the most positive way. Jonah giggles as he walks out of the bathroom.

I gingerly was myself as I let last night flood my mind. The way he touched me, kissed me, held me. I couldn't help the way my body began to respond to the images from last night. My dick grew and I knew I had to fix it. 

I rubbed the soap past my very sensitive nipples. Leaning back against the tiles I close my eyes to relive each moment of last night. I slid my hands down my body to my protruding member. Using the soap mixed in with my precum I start to stroke myself. Letting soft moans fall from my mouth, I don't hear Jonah come back into the bathroom. 

With one hand stroking myself slow and methodically, I let my other hand slid between my ass. Rubbing my finger on my hole I feel a breeze come across my body. Not opening my eyes because I know who it is. I can feel him even if he isn't touching me. 

I go to put my finger in my warmth when my hand is taken from back there. I open my eyes to see him staring at me with lust filling his eyes. Jonah steps into the shower with me. With hands on with side of me he leans in and kisses me. It's soft at first as if asking for my permission. 

I wrap my arms around his neck to bring him to me. Words weren't enough for us. They couldn't convey what was really deep inside of our heart. 

With the granted permission Jonah's tongue searches every corner of my mouth. The moans that tumble from my throat spur him on. My hands cup his face to hold him there so the dream doesn't fade but I am quickly ripped from that thought when I feel his fingers tentatively touch my scars. 

The kiss breaks as he looks into my eyes. Jonah green eyes change from dark green lust to concern and worry. He turns me around and kisses the marks on my back, whispering sweet nothings against my skin. 

I bite my lip to keep the tears from steam rolling down my face. Just as the moment turned from lust to gentle it became lust again when I felt air on my hole. I shivered at the thought of his tongue caressing me, prepping me. 

My thoughts become a reality when I feel him dive his tongue into me. Moans and whimpers trip over each other as they leave my lips. Jonah's name keeps leaving my throat swirling into the air around us. Grinding my ass to his face with the need in me growing. I have to have him. 

As if he could read my mind I feel his dick nestle between my cheeks. He attacks my neck to freshen the love bites from last night. Grinding harder into him I finally feel hid tip at my entrance. The moan I elicit from him as he drives into me heightens my sensitive body to a whole new level. I take a hand from the wall to pinch my nipples but Jonah has other plans. He grazes his fingers over my hard nub. 

The pace is slow, sensual, but I want to feel the force of him. I push back to let him know he has the sanction to get rough. With his hands tightly gripped on my hips he starts to pick up the speed. Our moans mixing together echo in the bathroom. 

He pushes my body in a familiar angle. An angle I haven't been in since Jonah. When he did that knew that the pleasure was about to intensify because of the one spot only Jonah knew about. 

"Oh fuck Jo, right there oh gah yes, fuck"

My hands grip the tile for some sort of stability but I find none. The only stability is Jonah. He pulls out of me with a groan, turning me to face. Jonah places his hands on my ass so I can jump up and put my legs around his waist. 

He re-enters me and pounds mercilessly into me. With my nails digging deeper into to him he hits the spot that only he could. With the last thrust I release unto us pushing him over the edge. He comes inside of me which I don't mind. 

Our labored breathing and sloppy kissing echoes off of the walls. Pulling away for air I can't help but embrace the feeling of what he gives me. My heart swelling with content, happiness, but most of all love. 

He slips out of me and we wordlessly was one another. He washes over my body tentatively. Tracing the markings on my back, as if he wants to erase their existence. I push those thoughts away and relish in the touch of his hands. 

When my turn came I touched his body trying to remember him. The way his back curves or the way his back tenses when I graze the top of pubic area. I want to commit him to my memory so that no matter if he stayed or left I could remember the little things about him like the faint mole on his hip. 

I finish washing him with a satisfactory smile. I watch him under the spray trying to remember the last time we were this peaceful. 

My thoughts get interrupted with a blast of wind hitting my body. I see Jonah climbing out of the shower and I have to resist the urge to smack but it dissolves when I see the smile plastered on his face. I hop out of the shower and playfully punch him.

"Jo that was rude of you, ya know"

"Yea but totally worth your face, priceless, just like you."

"Psh stop it, now weren't we supposed to be doing something today?"

"Oh yea, we are a little late but that's ok. Go ahead and get dressed in something... 

"Tight"

"Ha no, something comfortable like jeans and a t-shirt."

I shake my head at my understanding. I walk to my bedroom to get dressed. I start pulling out clothes. I turn to get Jonah's opinion when I realize he didn't follow me back to the bed room. Shrugging my shoulders I pull on a fitted gray t with blue jeans and my black all stars. 

Putting the finishing touches on my outfit it hit me what is Jonah going to wear. I rush down stairs to ask him when I see him sitting at the table with my clothes on. They are tighter on him but he still pulls it off. 

"Well someone is looking good"

Jonah looks up from his phone and smiles at me.

"Yea but not as good as you my love."

I laugh at the comment and sit across from him. He goes back to his phone and with a few taps he's done. He gets up grabs my hand and leads me outside to the car. 

We spend the whole day together. With brunch at this Italian bistro that reminds me of the time we took a trip to New Hampshire and ate at this really good Italian place. 

From brunch to a walk on some beach he found we talked about the past 4 years and what's happened since then. We kept it light and carefree because in the time we are. 

A late movie where we cuddle one another and enjoy whatever chick flick we've chosen. The movie pales in comparison to the company of him. The tiny touches or whispers comfort me. The movie is merely a background drop to us. 

I can't remember anything about the movie as we leave but the way Jonah rubbed circles on my hand. With the movie over we enjoy a late dinner at some 24/7 diner. We talk and laugh like old times. Telling jokes, enjoying the quiet moments, and reminiscing. Nothing hard or hurtful just happiness drowning us. I can't help but love the feeling of a true smile on my face. 

With coming to a close, we end up on my couch. His head in my lap and my hand running over the stubble that's there. The TV playing something I can't focus on because of the piece of joy in my lap. 

When Jonah set his eyes on me I knew then that our fun times were over. It was time to pop the bubble of glee with the sharp needle of reality. 

He sits up and turns the tv off. Turning to me 

"Ry I've been needing to ask this, I didn't want to ruin our day with this but I need to know. Who is Max?"

I bite my lip trying desperately to grasp the words to explain the pain. I close my eyes trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. I want to tell him but how. What words can I form into a sentence that will convey what I am feeling or was feeling or letting myself feel.

With a deep sigh I open my eyes to see those vibrant green eyes fill up with concern. I hesitantly reach out for his hands, for some support. 

Deep breathe in "Max is a guy I met years ago, we got into a weird relationship that was once good then turned bad after something tragic and I just never had the strength to change it since."

It all comes out rushed together as the words come tumbling out. I didn't want to ruin the bubble that we built, the little safe haven that's meant for us but word by silent stare I knew that our bubble popped. 

"Ry what do you mean weird relationship?"

I stand up and rub my hands over my head. How do I tell him that I was into whipping or am or about Ray or anything? How do I tell the man I have ever loved more than life, that after us I was broken but found solace in physical pain? 

"Jo after our abrupt ending, I was hurt beyond hurt I broke. I love you more than anything in this whole world and that sounds wrong but for me it was right so when we fizzled out I couldn't handle it. I packed up and left to Florida. I found this amazing little apartment and fit in with these nice people who are like a second family to me, which you have to meet Jr. He's cute."

Jonah's face fell and before I could explain it was like something in him snapped and he stormed off of the couch. 

"What do you mean a junior? You have a kid with that guy down there?"

The words of apology stood still on my tongue as I let what he just said sink in. With confusion written on my face.

"Wait how do you know I met a guy down there?"

It was his turn to look confused. The longer he stood there, the more I was getting upset. 

"You mean to tell me you knew where I was and didn't come for me, stop me. I was a mess, looking for anything to help with the pain of not having you. I went through hell trying to find me after you. I was a druggie, alcoholic, FUCK!"

Shouting at him, realizing that I wanted to blame him and I did. I blamed him for all of my pain and I couldn't escape it. Pacing the room wasn't helping my anger. I couldn't even look at him. My anger almost consumed me to the point of forgetting him.

Softly "Ryan I didn't know any of that, when I realized that I wanted you in my life I hired a Private Investigator to track you down. Once I found you I went for you but I saw you. I saw you in his arms, letting him kiss you and I thought that you had moved on. I wanted to go to you but I didn't want to ruin your happiness if you had found it."

I sat down and put my head in my hands. I couldn't think straight and the tears were not helping. 

Barely a whisper "Jonah when are you going to realize, you are my happiness."

I can't hold in my sob anymore. I let it go without care. The tears flowing down my face as my broken cries leave me. My pain consuming what was left of me. Jonah sat by me but it was too late, I lost the battle with my agony. 

Jonah began pulling me into him and I didn't fight him. He holds me close to him as I cry real tears for the first time in years. He moves to the couch to where we are cuddling. The minutes seemed like hours as my sobs subsided. 

"Ryan I am so sorry that I didn't go to you that night. I saw how broken you looked but I assumed that's what you wanted when I knew better. That night was the biggest regret of my life."

"Jo I never told my family because I didn't want what happened to Roo to happen to us. They drove her away because of who she loves. I just needed to hold onto you just a little while longer."

A genuine chuckle erupts from Jonah that causes me to smile "We need to work on our communication skills. Maybe we should see someone. Would you be okay with going to counseling, maybe?"

I turn to face him or really his chest so I can see his eyes. They are filled with nothing but love. A sigh of contentment leaves my lips as I kiss his clothed chest.

"Jo I wouldn't mind counseling as long as I get to have you by my side."

"Ry, my Ry, I wouldn't have it any other way."

*******

So my pretties this is not the end ok. Also since this took so long to write you can probably bet that the next chapter won't be until next year. I hope that this will keep you until then. I know you guys want to know about Roo and his mom and dad and brother but right now im focused on Ryan and Jonah. I will get to those folks so don't you worry. I might put out a chapter of sorts of another story I am working on, I don't know yet. Thanks for the reads. 

Xo-D