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Loving James Ch. 01

By: zolia_lily



This is the first of a four part story about Alex and James. I hope to have the next three posted within the next few weeks!

Chapter 1- Wanting James

Alex:

"Do you even think he likes me?" I asked Andrew glumly at his party. We were standing in the hall of his house, watching people dancing. James was in the middle of it all, making a total fool of himself and looking incredibly hot doing so. He was quite obviously not a dancer. 

Andrew was one of James' close friends. They'd gone to primary school together and I'd been at high school with him, and we'd all started hanging out at uni. For them it had been something of a reunion. And I'd spent every moment trying to get them to like me enough to include me. At least, that's what it felt like. 

They'd fallen out of contact at different high schools, and then once they got to uni it was like the fact that Andrew was a drama freak and James was an athlete didn't matter. I'd been at school with James, but we hadn't really been friends in any sense of the word, even if we'd been friendly enough. Our groups hadn't really mixed. 

All the same, I'd known James was the one for as long as I'd known him. How could I not have known? He was a god amongst men. He was gorgeous and friendly, quiet and sweet. He was taller than me, muscled, had beautiful soulful eyes... I got half hard every time I saw him. I'd been in love with him for years, and he'd only come out just over a year and a half ago. And as far as I knew, he'd never had a boyfriend.

I badly wanted him to be mine, but he didn't seem to think of me as anything other than a friend. 

Andrew sighed. "You're going to have to ask him."

"What," I said bitterly. "Because he's secretly in love with me, too? I'm a fucking geek, a twink who's just a target for the bi-curious and he's-"

"Take it easy," Andrew said, gripping my shoulder with a frown. I don't really know how he'd figured it out. I hadn't been able to deny it, though, and somehow it had almost brought us closer. Well, he seemed to think it did. All the advice he gave me... the prodding. Ugh. "If you need to know how he feels then you're going to have to do something. Ask him." 

Yeah, right. As if I could. And run the very real risk of losing him as a friend too? 

It was impossible. I was loud and obviously gay and I didn't give a damn who knew it. I said whatever popped into my head and I couldn't stop myself. The only exception was when it came to James. I shook my head in disgust. Hanging around with him and pretending I wasn't desperately in love with him- if that was all I could ever have, then I didn't want to ruin it. 

"I'd rather not." I said sourly. "We all know how well that's worked for me in the past."

"You want him or not?" Andrew shot back. I did. I really did. It was getting worse, too. Coffee or lunch every few days wasn't enough. It had never been enough, but I'd managed to lie to myself for this long. "It's been a year and a half since he came out and you're still sitting back and just waiting for someone else to snap him up so you can moan about that too. Just man up and ask him out already." Ouch. 

I didn't reply. I didn't like hard truths. 

"God, you piss me off, sometimes." He growled. 

No, I wasn't going to reply to that, either. 

Finally, Andrew sighed. "We'll make it a dare." He said slowly. 

"What?" I asked. Now he had my interest. 

Andrew grinned at me, and turned back to look at James dancing like an idiot. 

A dare.

I couldn't hide a smile. 

James:

"Hey," Alex said, coming up to me. 

"Hellooooo," I said, then laughed because I had never ever noticed what a funny word that was. And because he had red hair. Red hair was funny. And his was red red red. Spiky red. Did he know how funny it was? I put my arm around his shoulders so I could lean on him. The world was tilting slightly. Waaaay too much dancing; phew...

"What's up?" I asked. 

"I've been playing truth or dare." 

"Hey, fun!" I said. I hadn't played that for years! Not since primary school! 

"Well," he said with a grin. "You're mine."

I grinned back at him. I didn't really know what he was talking about but he was smiling too and I was feeling really good. This was a great party!

"They're going to count to twenty, right?" he asked. Twenty? I wasn't sure what he meant, but I looked around and everyone was looking at us and laughing and talking. Weird. I didn't mind though. Just a little bit of alcohol and they could look all they liked. 

How come I'd never tried this before? This was great! I was never this brave. I never danced. 

"Ready?" Alex asked. Huh?

I looked at him, wondering what was going on.

Alex smiled at me and I felt his hand slide behind my head. I opened my mouth to ask him what he was doing when suddenly his lips were on mine and there was tongue. He was kissing me? I went to pull away but his hand on my head kept me close and our teeth clashed and then his tongue skimmed lightly along mine and my stomach dropped with longing and suddenly I was kissing him back, trying to taste him and get him closer and grabbing fistfuls of his shirt and I wanted to feel his soft skin but his clothes were in the way and he tasted so good and there had to be a way to get closer to him – and suddenly there was noise everywhere and Alex was pulling away, laughing, and people were around us. 

Where had they come from? And why were they cheering? I leant on Alex more heavily and he was speaking to Andrew while I grinned at him and then we were somewhere else, dimmer and quieter and he was smiling at me. 

"Been kissed before?" Alex asked quietly. 

"Noooo." I drew the word out for emphasis. I grinned. I'd finally been kissed. And it had only taken 19 years. 

"Sorry." Alex said. "If I'd known it was your first kiss I'd have done better."

"Better how?" I asked. Kissing was awesome! And he wanted better?

Alex took a deep breath. "Like this." he said and leant in to kiss me again. I met him- this was great!- but he pulled away, laughing. "Take it easy, you jerk." He said. "Start slow, ok? Less tongue or you're going to choke me." I nodded. I could do that. I would do anything for more kisses. 

We kissed more slowly. He tasted so good, felt so warm. His tongue was doing all sorts of awesome things... I was feeling more and more aroused and more and more sleepy. It was a really, really good feeling. 

Alex's hand slid down my shirt and hit the waist of my jeans. I moaned and my knees went weak as his hand cupped me through my jeans. No one had touched me there before... 

I reached for him, but he was pulling away. 

"Want to do that to you." I mumbled. I sounded weird. 

"Trust me," Alex murmured, kissing my cheeks. "You are doing that to me." I didn't know what he meant because my hands were nowhere near his dick but he grinned and pulled away again. "Wait here for me. Then I promise we'll keep going." he said. "Don't move. I'll be one minute."

"Where're-"

"Bathroom." He grimaced. 

"No, no, noooo." I tried to catch him, clung to him. I didn't want him to leave me for a second, not one, not a single one. 

Alex giggled. "Babe," he murmured. "I have to piss, while I'd really like to see you naked and have you see me naked, Andrew's bathroom in the middle of his party is not the right time. Wait here, alright? I'll be back soon." 

" 'K." I agreed glumly. He'd called me 'babe'. That was weird. But good weird. I was all warm and fuzzy. 

Alex vanished and I looked around. We were in a small room on our own. Where had the party gone? I wandered towards the doorway and down the hall. 

Ah. Here was the party. 

"You lose Alex?" Someone asked, laughing. I nodded and they passed me a shot. Mmm. Shot was sticky and sweet. More?

Ah yes. More. Mmmm. 

People laughing and talking. Couldn't quite make out the words. 

There was Andrew! "Hi Andrew!" I said, grinning. Andrew looked worried. 

"Where's Alex?" he asked. 

Alex? Where was Alex? I looked around hastily. The room moved. Whoops!

"Whoa, there," Andrew said, grabbing my shoulder. Mm- there was beer on the table. Beer was good. I reached for it. Oh- beer moved. 

"That's mine." 

"Josh!" I said happily. He was holding the beer very tightly. His beer. That was ok. Josh was nice. Oops- feet were so big! Arm around his shoulder. Ah yes- much easier to stand. 

"Hey have you-" I knew that voice!

"Alex!" I said happily. I liked Alex. He was funny. He had funny hair, too. 

"Oh." He said. Why wasn't he happy?

"How much has he had to drink?" Josh asked. Oh, someone had had too much to drink, but who?

" I don't know." Alex said slowly. They turned to look at me. 

Oh. Me? "Oh." I said, waved my hand. Casual was good. Act casual. Josh had to duck. Not so good. "Um...." That was a veeeery good question. 

"I'll get some water." Andrew said. "Or coffee." 

Had Andrew always been there? All my friends were. All my favourite guys. Gays. Ha ha! I laughed. How come I'd never noticed how funny I was?

"On second thoughts," Andrew said as I giggled. "Maybe you should take him home." 

"I don't think he can stand up." Josh said. He let go of me and the world dipped. Wheee! Someone caught me and I clung to them. That was fun!

"If he can't stand up then I won't be able to get him home." Alex groused. 

"I'll help." Andrew said. "Can we take him to yours?"

"Yeah. I suppose that's the best idea."

The air was cold. I shuddered and moaned. People laughed. 

"You awake?"

"Ummm." I didn't feel so good. Sleepy. Sick. 

"You're ok." Alex said gently. 

"Alex." I managed with a smile. I liked Alex. And he was being so nice...

There was laughter. Hm. Andrew?

Alex's hallway. Stairs. They were tricky. Parents' rooms.

Alex's room. 

Alex's soft, soft, bed....

Alex:

I woke up to the sound of my floorboards creaking. 

James. I went cold all over. 

Was he leaving?

I lay very still and listened to him. My heart was pounding. What would I do if he left? Pretend I was still asleep? Go after him? 

The relief I felt when he only went into the bathroom left me feeling weak. 

He came back to bed. 

The bed shifted beneath me as he climbed back in. I heard him sigh. The sound sent shivered down my skin. It was a contented sound, one I wanted to hear again and again and again. 

I lay there for a few moments, letting my imagination run wild. I wanted to open my eyes and find him watching me, smiling, waiting for me to wake up so he could kiss me good morning. 

I mean, ideally he wouldn't have fallen asleep so quick last night. We would've made out at the party some more, and then we'd have come back here... but he didn't handle alcohol very well. 

But that didn't matter now. He was really here. 

I opened my eyes, a smile ready on my lips. 

James was lying on his front, his head underneath a pillow. Ah. 

" 'Wake?" I muttered softly. I wanted to reach out and stroke the line of his spine. I didn't.

"Mm," was all I got in response. I watched him. He was going to look up any minute now. He was going to look up and smile and kiss me. He was going to pull me into his arms and tell me I promised him that we'd keep going last night and I was going to pretend that I didn't remember that bit. And we'd both smile because we knew it wasn't true and-

"My heat hurts," James mumbled. I smiled. He was so cute when he was hung over and pitiful. 

"Christ, you really are a lightweight."

"Fuck off." He mumbled. "I never drink." I waited quietly, my heart sinking only slightly. I waited for him to say something else. Then I imagined we'd get to the kissing part. "Did- did we kiss last night?"

I couldn't read his tone and I couldn't see his face, but all the same I was worried. He had to remember. Didn't he? Maybe he really didn't- had he been that drunk by then?

"Um. Yeah." I answered cautiously. I didn't want to sound happy about it if he was going to regret it. But I didn't want to sound like it was a mistake if there was the slightest possibility he might ever kiss me again. I sounded hesitant, even to myself. 

There was a silence, then a deep rumbling chuckle. 

He was laughing? 

I stopped breathing. No. No, he couldn't be. 

His chuckle got bigger. He was definitely laughing now, his head still under that pillow, or he'd have been able to see the hurt on my face. I wasn't hiding it. I couldn't. 

He was laughing. This was so far from my dreams that I couldn't even scrape up a smile. This was a nightmare. Every hope I'd harboured had been dashed. Every possibility of him loving me was gone. 

I felt hollow. I felt sick. My heart was being cut to pieces with every sound of mirth that escaped him. It wasn't that he didn't remember, and it wasn't that he thought things were going too fast, or even that he just wanted to be friends. He thought it was funny. 

Was it that ridiculous? I wanted to ask him if I was so undesirable that he didn't think anyone might want to kiss me? Was it that unbelievable? 

Apparently it was. Apparently it was laughable. Completely inconceivable. 

I didn't care if it was. James was my friend. I was in love with him and he was laughing at the very possibility that anyone might want me. 

He wasn't supposed to laugh. And he was laughing as if I were a freak. 

The fucking bastard. 

I rolled onto my front and buried my face in my pillow. I held my breath to combat the tightness in my throat and squeezed my eyes shut. 

This wasn't happening. It couldn't be. 

James stopped laughing. Finally. I was in agony. 

"Alex?" he asked. "You ok?"

"Don't feel too good." I replied. Which was as close to the truth as he was ever going to get. I made my way off the bed and rubbed my eyes. 

"Going to have a shower." I muttered and left him there without turning to face him. I was red and if he saw me then I was going to completely break down...

I scrubbed the smell of sweat and beer and smoke off my skin and out of my hair, turned my face up under the water and fought to get back in control. I couldn't cry in front of him. I couldn't. 

James was sitting on the end of my bed when I came out, dressed still. I pulled on some jeans and a shirt and quickly ran fingers through my hair. 

"I want to go back to Andrew's." I lied. It was somewhere to go. Somewhere other than here. "Help clean up."

James nodded. "I've got an appointment." He said. "I'll go back to college first so I can shower and change." I nodded and we headed out.

Neither of us said much. I bet James was suffering from his hangover. 

At the corner where James was turning he stopped and put his hand on my arm. 

"Alex," he said. My heart leapt into my mouth. "Thanks for letting me crash at your place."

"Yeah." I answered glumly. "Anytime you're too pissed to get home. That's what I'm here for. See you later."

I marched onwards to Andrew's, forgetting that I hadn't exactly intended to go there anyway. I was furious. Somehow it had become his fault that this hadn't worked out. 

I banged on his door and had time to get impatient and bang again before he opened it. 

He blinked at me. "Some of us didn't get to bed as early as you did, Alex." He said acidly, rubbing his eyes. 

I stared at him, assaulted again by the actual image of James sprawled across my bed, totally insensate with alcohol, juxtaposed with my fantasy images of us in bed this morning. 

I breathed deeply. What was I doing here, really? Why had I come?

"Alex?" Andrew asked. I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat. "Where's James? What-" 

"He went home." I snapped. "Right after he asked if we kissed last night and then just about killed himself laughing." 

"Oh." Andrew said, suddenly looking so sympathetic I wanted to scream. I turned and marched down his path. I had to get out of there. "Alex- Alex, wait!" Andrew called and ran after me in last night's t shirt and his underwear. Stupid skinny pale legged bastard. "Come in." he said. I shook my head, but he steered me inside anyway. 

He sat me on the couch in the middle of the lounge room, which still reeked like stale beer and old smoke. 

"Tell me what happened." He demanded. 

"I already did." I snapped. "And it's pretty hard to imagine it going any worse."

"He could have clocked you one." Andrew said. I hated him so much, right then I nearly clocked him one. "What do you mean, he laughed? What happened?"

"I told you. We woke up and he asked if we kissed last night and I said yes. And then he laughed like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard in his whole entire life. As if it was funny that it happened, like it never would have happened if he'd been sober, like it was totally unthinkable because no one would ever want to kiss me, not unless they were totally drunk and-"

"Stop." Andrew said loudly. "That's crap and you know it!" 

"Do I? I always attract the freaks and the cheaters and the bi-curious and that's it, so there's obviously something to it because otherwise he wouldn't have-"

"Alex, stop," Andrew said more wearily. 

"NO." I said, jumping up. "This is your fault." I said, conveniently ignoring the hand I'd played in this. "Your great scheme and you've ruined everything. And now I am officially the most pathetic guy in the whole world. I hope you're happy." I finished venomously and left, slamming the door behind me. 

Yeah. Melodramatic or what?

Guilt burned in my gut but I needed to be angry at someone and right now it was Andrew.

I hoped he understood. 

I went home and ignored my mum when she tried to talk to me. She muttered something about a hangover to her sister Sal and I ignored that too and went upstairs. 

I lay on my bed where James had and pulled his pillow over my head and breathed in deeply. I wanted to be able to smell him, to inhale him. I couldn't. I could only smell the stale smells of smoke and alcohol. 

I fought the tears for a long time, but in the end, the tears won. 

By dinnertime Sal had figured out that it wasn't a hangover.

She knocked on my door and found me still hugging that damn pillow when she came in. 

"You alright, Alex?" she asked, peering around the door. I didn't reply, but somehow I couldn't stop myself from shaking slightly. All I wanted was to cry and cry until the pain in my heart went away. 

She came in. "Alex?" she asked. I said nothing. I was biting my fist, silently shaking with the effort of suppressing my sobs. She sat down on the other side of my bed, put her hand on my back, and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I gasped for breath and sobbed aloud. "Alex." She said sadly and moved around. She perched next to me and stroked my hair off my forehead. She didn't try and get me to talk, she didn't tell me everything was ok. She just sat with me and tucked the covers over me and let me cry myself out. 

When I finally stopped I was still hiccupping slightly. 

" You wanna talk?" she offered. I liked Sal. She was so solid. So reliable. 

"No." 

"Ok." She said, and laid down next to me. I hugged my pillow more tightly. 

"You know James?" I finally said on a breath. My body was still shaking. 

"Yeah." She answered. 

"I- I love him." I gasped out. "I love him, and he... he doesn't..."

"Oh, kiddo," Sal said sadly and rubbed my shoulders. I tried to breathe normally again, but every breath hurt. My throat hurt and my eyes burned and my heart... my heart was in little tiny pieces... "You want to tell me about it?"

I didn't and I did all at once. "Andrew- Andrew dared me to k-kiss him. At the party. So I did. But he kissed me back." I sucked air into my protesting lungs and forced myself to go on with the story. "So we kept kissing. It was... m-mutual. And he had too much to drink, so we came here. And he passed out. But this morning, he didn't remember. And he asked me if we kissed... and I said yes and he laughed... he laughed like it was the funniest thing ever..." I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my face back into the pillow. 


Loving James Ch. 01



Sal kept rubbing my shoulders. "So what are you going to do?" she asked. So much for comfort.

"I don't know. I don't know."

"Here's how I see it." She said firmly. "You've got three options. Option one. You go and see him and tell him how you feel." I shook my head in protest but she kept going. Nothing would stop her now. "Either he feels the same, he only wants to be your friend, or he never wants to see you again. Option two. You pretend it's as funny to you as it is to him. He never knows how you feel, so you won't know how he feels, but you'll probably get to keep him as a friend. Or option three. You make the decision to walk away and never see him again. You don't get to be friends, but you get to try and move on and get over him." 

Where was the option where he definitely loved me? Where this was all some huge mistake? Where was my happily ever after?

I stayed silent. "I know it sucks, kiddo." She said gently. "Love's a bitch." I managed a watery smile. "You want some cookies? I've got some hidden. We can have ourselves a picnic." 

I nodded. I really liked Aunt Sal. Mum would have been trying to get me to tell her how I felt, and there was nothing I wanted less. Mum would have fussed and fretted. Sal was reliable. Strong. Practical. And somehow caring at the same time. 

My dad walked out on my mum when she was pregnant. She was flighty and irresponsible and living from pay check to pay check and off whatever money she got off my dad. I have a feeling he may have already been married, but mum didn't cope. Sal moved in then and took charge. She's been in charge ever since. She's older than mum, never married, never had children. I don't think she cares. And anyway- she's got me. I'm fairly sure I make up for there being no other kids around here. 

Sal went downstairs and I pulled on my pyjamas and an ancient dressing gown of hers that I'd stolen. I washed my face and then practiced some breathing exercises. I was still breathing like I'd run a mile. Not that I ran.

When Sal came back I was much calmer. She had a tray with 2 hot chocolates, some toasted cheese sandwiches and the promised cookies. And god it smelt good. 

She grinned at me, her round cheeks dimpling. I smiled back. 

"Thanks." I said, as she placed it carefully on my bed. She snorted. 

"Don't thank me too soon." She said. "I haven't started eating yet."

James:

I didn't see Alex for a few days after Andrew's party, and when I did he acted funny. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but he seemed... embarrassed? Upset?

"Hi." I said to him, sitting next to him on the lawn. I was trying to act normal, but the truth was that his hair was messed up on one side and strangely enough, they were x rated reasons for this that popped into my head. 

He picked up his book and shut it quickly. 

"Hi." He said quickly, looking at me with slightly narrowed eyes. "You're obviously feeling better." He sounded slightly snide and I wondered why. He was feeling better, wasn't he?

"Yeah." I said with a smile. "Just keep me away from the booze next time, yeah?" Alex gave a brief smile then looked at his phone to check the time. 

"I've gotta go." He said, stuffing his book in his bag and getting up. 

"Oh. I didn't think you had class now?"

"I don't. Meeting someone." He said briefly. 

I stared at him. But- we normally had lunch on Tuesdays. I guess I was waiting for him to crack a grin and laugh at me, invite me along. Or maybe tell me about some hot guy he'd finally asked out. He didn't. 

He gave me the briefest ghost of a smile and then turned and walked away. 

I was totally taken aback, but I sat there and thought about it and I came to the conclusion that he was obviously a bit weirded out by what had happened at the party. 

Maybe he just needed some space. 

Truth be told I was a bit weirded out as well. I could hardly remember the damn kiss, had no idea what had happened, and I was waking up rock hard every morning and dreaming of Alex every night. 

Which was kind of weird seeing as how we were friends and I'd never thought of him like that before. 

I didn't call or text him at all over the next few days. I didn't see him for lunch or grab a coffee with him. I didn't see him for dinner or in between classes. It was like he didn't exist. 

I didn't like it at all. 

We'd become good friends at uni, and I wasn't prepared for just how out of depth I felt without him around. 

I saw him again the next week at a pizza night. 

He saw me come in, and he looked at me then looked back at Josh and determinedly continued his conversation. I saw Andrew look between us with a frown and I wondered what he knew. 

Josh left Alex on his own when Evert walked in, so I had a chance to speak to him. I went over before he could move away. He seemed reluctant, but he pasted a smile to his face.

"Hi." He said. 

"Hey." I said. Well, this was awkward. "So. We're ok, right?" Alex nodded, still smiling. 

"Of course." He said, and started talking about whatever it was Josh and he'd been talking about. 

I wanted to tell him that it was fine, that it didn't need to be awkward between us, but he chattered like he was nervous or like he was just trying to fill silences and didn't hang around long enough for me to get a word in. 

I blinked at his back as he went to talk to Elspeth about something he'd 'just remembered', then looked around the room. Andrew had been looking at me, but quickly turned his gaze away. 

I went and joined the group of people he was with. He smiled at me uneasily. 

"Can I talk to you?" I asked. He hesitated, then nodded. We went over towards the fridge pretending to get drinks. Andrew got a beer. He passed me a coke. I gave a weak grin. 

"So what's going on?" he said. Crap. 

"I was hoping you could tell me." I said glumly. 

"What happened at the party?" he asked.

"I don't remember much at all. I remember dancing... and..."

"And?" he asked. 

"Well." I was blushing. "Alex and I... apparently kissed. And now he's acting all weird. I must have said something. I don't know. I was drunk, though. Is he holding it against me?" Andrew chewed his lip. "We're friends, right? I thought he'd forgive me for whatever happened." Andrew nodded. 

"Look. Maybe he just... needs some time. To cool off. Or whatever. Alex is... you know how moody he gets."

"Right." I said. But never for this long. Not my Alex. His moods lasted for around ten minutes before he ran out of steam and was bitching about something else or was laughing again. And it had already been a week. 

Andrew gave me a quick smile and drifted off to speak to someone else. 

I looked around. Alex had apparently left. 

I did corner him a few days later. I missed him.

He'd bought a coffee at the café near the library and sat down at a table in the sun. I waited until he'd taken a sip and dropped into the chair opposite. 

"Hi." I said. He choked and tried to swallow. He frowned at me, but took another sip rather than reply.

"You know," I said gently, taking advantage of his silence. "It doesn't need to be weird between us. Andrew's party- it didn't mean anything. We'd had too much to drink and it just happened. It's ok. I understand." 

He looked at me a moment, his big eyes unreadable. They were very, very blue under his vivid shock of red hair. I thought his bottom lip might have trembled but I wasn't sure. 

"Yeah." He said slowly. His voice wasn't quite normal. "Right. Well. I don't know if that's going to work." My heart sank. He got up. I reached for his arm but he jerked away from me. I was so shocked by the look of loathing that flashed across his face that I didn't try again. I didn't say his name or ask him what was wrong like I'd meant to. I stared in shock as he whirled and departed from the café in haste. 

I sat at the table on my own, feeling incredibly stupid. I hadn't imagined that look. I'd known he was acting funny, that he didn't talk to me like he used to- but I hadn't expected him to hate me. One drunken kiss and our friendship was over. I couldn't believe it. Why was he so upset? It hadn't meant anything. I could hardly remember it at all...

I stared at his untouched coffee and wondered why it seemed to matter so much to him. And why it should matter at all. 

We were friends. He was the closest thing to a best friend I'd ever had in my whole life. And somehow I'd ruined it. 

I sighed heavily and promised myself I wouldn't drink like that again. 

For all the good that would do for my relationship with Alex.



Loving James Ch. 02



Chapter 2 – Winning James

James:

I managed to corner him again the next day at uni. Well, I suppose it wasn't really cornering. I was just trying to force him to talk to me. I fell into step alongside him and walked with him but he didn't say anything. He didn't even look at me. 

All I could think was that I must have said something. I must have been a real prick and now he thought that was how I really was. I must have done something. I just didn't know what. 

I had a bad feeling about it. When I thought about him my thoughts were turning more and more sexual. I was having trouble thinking of him without those thoughts, and I was still having those dreams. I must have done something at the party. I must have offended him pretty badly somehow. Or I must have really hurt him. And I was terrified that it had been physically. Had I forced that kiss? Had I forced more from him? Was that why I was dreaming about him naked, vulnerable and sexy as all hell? Was that why he couldn't forgive me?

"Alex, I'm sorry." I started. "I don't know why you're upset with me, but whatever it was, I didn't mean it. I was drunk. Can't you forget it?" 

Alex didn't say anything. 

"We're friends, right? Can't we hang out again?" 

Alex kept walking. 

"What did I do?" I demanded. I was tired of this. If he was going to ignore me, then I wanted to know why. "What did I say? The least you can do is tell me why you're pissed at me instead of just ignoring me!" 

He turned to face me, eyes narrowed and I was relieved I was finally going to get a response from him. "Just leave me alone!" he snapped, then turned and kept walking. 

"No." I said without thinking. "Alex, you're my best mate. What the hell's going on?" 

A couple of people looked around since by the time I finished speaking I was almost yelling at him. 

Alex walked determinedly on. 

I was hurt and furious all at once. Why wouldn't he talk to me? Why wouldn't he even fight with me?

I didn't know what I'd done, but I figured it must be bad. 

And no matter what he said, I couldn't leave him alone. I texted him, I tried to call him (he never answered) and I dropped past his house (he was mysteriously never home when I arrived). If I saw him at uni he was either just as venomous as he had been before or totally silent. 

After another week I wanted to give up. I was disheartened and beginning to think that I'd just lost my closest friend for good.

Alex was easily irritated, but generally just as quick to apologise with a blush and a winning smile if he'd got cross at me or thought he might have offended me. I didn't care. I knew he didn't mean to annoy me or hurt me so I laughed it off, brushed his apologies aside. 

So I didn't understand why he couldn't do the same with whatever I'd done or said. I'd been drunk- I didn't even remember it- and somehow it was destroying our friendship. 

I hated to admit it to myself but I thought he must have found a new friend, someone to replace me. someone else who would listen to him vent and just laughed, who wasn't irritated by his nervous energy- and I couldn't believe there'd be that many of us. 

I hated to admit even more that it hurt. I'd thought he needed me. He'd always been texting and calling, telling me things, needing my advice or just some company. 

And I was coming to realise that I needed him, too. He said things that I wasn't brave enough to do more than think. He made me laugh and he made me argue with him. I'd never argued with anyone in my whole life until I met Alex. He made me feel alive. 

I'd thought we'd understood each other. That we'd been similar. Because surely, beneath his brash exterior and under my more reserved nature were the same uncertainties, the same doubts and insecurities. Despite what was on the surface, underneath I thought we were a lot alike. And I thought he'd seen that too. 

And I was suddenly afraid that he wouldn't speak to me again, when I really wanted my friend back. The dreams, the desires I could ignore. I was sure I could. As long as I could somehow make it up to him. As long as we could be friends again. 

What I needed was a plan to corner him and talk to him. A plan to get him to talk to me again, at the very least.

Andrew took a lot of convincing, but in the end he agreed. He was having another party. One I wasn't supposedly coming to. 

And I was going to ambush Alex and make him tell me what was wrong. 

I walked out to the balcony on cue. Andrew had texted me to tell me where he was. Alex's lean figure was leaning on the railing. His hair was messy and my fingers itched to brush it back into place. 

"Hi." I said. Alex reeled. 

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he bawled. He looked furious. 

"Wanted to see you." I said with a shrug and an inward sigh. 

"Why can't you just leave well enough alone? Don't you get it? I don't want to see you!" 

" We're friends."

"We're not friends," Alex spat. My heart sank. 

"Well-"

"How the fuck am I supposed to get over you if you won't fucking let me move on? Just leave me the hell alone!" he yelled. 

I blinked. 

Um....? 

Alex drew a sharp breath, then shook his head and before I could think of anything to say he'd shoved past me and left. 

"So I guess it's out." Andrew said. I hadn't noticed him standing there. The tip of his cigarette glowed in the darkness. 

"What's out?" I asked. I was still reeling from what Alex had yelled at me. 

Andrew leant against the railing. "You haven't figured it out yet?" he asked dryly. I felt heat rush to my cheeks. Was this serious? "Mate, he's pretty obsessed with you. I can't believe you haven't noticed it before now. I mean, he's only been in love with you for, like, the whole time you've known each other."

"What- how do you know?" I blustered. This was unexpected. This was... what the fuck was I supposed to say to this? 

Andrew shook his head. "'Cause he told me. He fucking moons over you, you know. He talks about you all the time. Just be glad you don't have to listen to him." I felt a surge of annoyance. I didn't like the way Andrew was talking about him, but I had to think about this.

Alex was in love with me?

"Then why the fuck's he been avoiding me?" I demanded. Andrew just shrugged. I guess I hadn't really needed to ask. Alex had sort of just yelled the answer at me anyway. 

I'd been worried I'd forced him to kiss me. I didn't know if that was the case or not, but that didn't matter anymore. I'd got it all wrong. That kiss had meant something to him. And I'd spent the last few weeks telling him it hadn't meant anything. 

I left Andrew to his smoke, and headed down off the balcony wondering where Alex had gone. Not home, surely?

I began to walk down the street, and remembered the small park I'd seen on my way. I suspected he'd be there and I was right. 

He was sitting on a gently grassy slope, arms around his knees. 

He looked absolutely pissed. Thin lipped. Like he might hit me. 

I took a seat next to him. 

"What do you want?" he said angrily. I smiled at him as he looked at me. I knew he wouldn't listen to me if I tried to explain myself. And being this close to him made me want to do all those things I'd been dreaming of. So, for the first time while sober, I leant forward and kissed him lightly. 

Alex made an agonized noise and shoved me away from him. Our lips parted, but I didn't go far, sitting next to him like I was. I put my arm around him and pressed my mouth to his again. 

After a millisecond he started to relax, to melt against me, started to kiss me back. 

And wow. This was what I'd been missing. I wished I could remember kissing him before. This was way more than I'd ever expected from a kiss. This was way better than a dream. Heat spread through me, pooled low in my belly. I was so going to get hard if we kept this up. 

It didn't take long before he shoved me away again, this time with far more force. I held on to him, otherwise I think he might have got up. 

"You prick." He snarled. "You think this is fucking funny? You think I'm going to let you mess with my head like this? Fuck you, bastard."

"Why don't you want to kiss me?" I asked blankly while he struggled against my grip on his arms. Yeah, I know. Let's just say that the kissing had robbed me of my brain power. 

"Because you don't think about me that way, you're just fucking with my head and I won't-"

"I never said that." I said calmly. 

I never knew what it meant when I saw the term 'deafening silence'. That was the moment I found out. "W-what?" he eventually blurted, eyes widening. 

"You said that. You never asked. I never said." 

Alex swallowed hard and changed tack, went back on the attack. It was where he was most comfortable, his most reliable form of defence. "What, so now you expect me to believe you're in love with me? And that it's a coincidence? As if you're not just after an easy lay and I'm not -?"

"Alex." I said gently. He scowled at me and blushed red. 

"Then why did you laugh?" he demanded, sounding absolutely anguished. "Why would you? Like you thought it was funny."

"That's what all this is about?" it struck me all of a sudden. "The fact that I laughed?"

"Why shouldn't it be?" he sounded outraged. "You laughed¬- as if no one would want to kiss me sober, like you thought I was a freak, like-"

"Alex," I interrupted him. I was appalled. "You never thought that I might be laughing because I didn't know what to say? I was embarrassed because I couldn't remember a damn thing and I had no idea if you were angry at me or going to pretend it never happened... because it was awkward and because I didn't have a clue what the hell else to do. I didn't know how it happened. If you'd wanted to kiss me or if I'd... you know, forced it. I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't think you might take it like that." I finished quietly as he frowned and looked away. He shook his head and we fell into another awkward silence that rang in my ears. 

"So you wanna tell me what happened that night?" I asked. 

"If you really want to know." He grouched. 

"I've only been worried about it for weeks." I said dryly. "Christ, Alex I was beginning to think I must have hurt you. You know. physically." He snorted. 

"Whatever."

"So what happened?" 

Alex sighed. "Well." He said. "Andrew got tired of me moping so he decided... to dare me to kiss you. So I did. And you seemed... you seemed to like it. So we went into another room and kept... we kept kissing. I hadn't realised you were that drunk. Not-remembering drunk. I thought... well. I left you alone for two minutes to go to the bathroom and when I came back you'd gone back to the party and you'd had even more to drink. You were so pissed we didn't have a choice but to bring you home. Andrew had to help me carry you."

And there it was. I finally understood. 

"Alex, I'm so sorry." I apologised quietly. 

He shrugged. "Whatever." 

We sat in silence for a time on the hillside, the grass stained silver by the moon. I wanted to lean over and kiss him again, but my uncharacteristic forthrightness had deserted me and I was back to not being brave enough. 

"You wanna go back to the party?" I asked finally. 

"I suppose Andrew will bitch if we don't." Alex said sourly. I grinned. Old Alex was back. 

We walked back and Andrew raised his eyebrows at us when we came back into the house. 

"Just ignore him." Alex said loftily. 

"Want a drink?" I asked him. He gave me a hard look that just screamed 'really?', then shook his head. "I'm going to get one." I told him. He rolled his eyes and headed over to some mutual friends. I went to the esky in the kitchen. When I reached for a beer I realised I was shaking. 

How the fuck was I supposed to do this? How did anyone do this? Obviously most people were braver than I was. Or more desperate. Otherwise I was pretty sure the human race would have died out, oh, say, a few millennia ago. 

I thought about it for a while, then put down my untouched beer and wandered back out into the lounge room and found Alex laughing with Elspeth. 

"Hey." I said to him. I was determined to be brave. And I hoped I wasn't desperate. "Want to dance?"

"Fuck, no." he said scathingly. "To this music?" I grinned. 

"You're just making excuses now." I told him. "I know I'm a crap dancer. You'll just have to deal with it." He made a face, but allowed me to bully him into dancing anyway. 

He'd been right, I realised. The music was slow. And therefore so was the dancing. 

Well. This was awkward. 

He was softer than I'd thought he'd be from looking at him. Being skinny like he was I had expected him to be bony, but he wasn't as bony as I'd thought. He was warm and reassuringly solid next to me. I kept my hands at his waist, but it did take some willpower. 

Alex's hands rested lightly on my arms, but he didn't seem to know what he wanted to do with them. He kept glancing briefly up at me, eyes dark and worried and somehow timid, then glancing quickly away again. He spent a fair bit of time looking at my neck and chest. 

"I didn't have anything to drink." I said. 

Alex shot me a dark look. "So?" he asked. 

"So," I said, sucking in a breath and gathering my meagre scraps of courage. Alex looked at me more curiously. "I'm going to kiss you." I blurted. I'd had some clever line about a dare lined up in my head, but it had totally deserted me. 

Alex blinked at me stupidly and I quickly brushed my mouth across his. It wasn't nearly so easy to kiss him sober, not on our own in the dark. 

Alex bowed his head and rested his forehead against my shoulder. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" he demanded quietly. He sounded tired. Resigned. 

"Well." I swallowed hard. "I'm... thinking we should give this a go." He drew a deep breath but stayed silent. I waited for him to speak, but instead he drew another deep breath a few seconds later. "Um. Are you ok?" I asked.

"Fucker. You want to give this ago and you're not going to let me smell you in peace?" Alex demanded. Oh. Right. 

Weird. 

All the same, relief swelled through me in a wave. "Well, you could have answered me." I suggested with more heat than was characteristic for me. 

"Whatever." He brushed it aside, then looked up at me with a quick grin before resting his forehead back against my shoulder. 

We stayed that way for a while. It was comfortable. And neither of us was about to make the next move. Christ, the steps we'd taken felt like huge leaps and bounds to me. 

"Can we get out of here?" Alex finally moaned. 

"Yeah." I agreed. I didn't think he'd noticed, but Andrew had been watching us closely and I wanted to escape his gaze. We went back into the kitchen and then into the hallway. "Where are we going?" I asked. 

"I don't care." Alex said. He didn't smile and he was being bitchy as all hell. I was used to this. I followed him out of the house and walked with him in silence. It didn't take long for me to figure out that we were walking back to his house. I wasn't quite sure what to make of that, but I said nothing, ignored the warning of my inner voice. 

When we came to his front gate, he paused and turned to me. He looked anxious. "James." He said. "I don't think we should do this. This is a bad idea." I stared at him in shock. 

"That's crap!" escaped me before I could help it. "You've been avoiding me for weeks over this, and apparently you've been wanting this for years and now you don't even want to try? What the fuck, Alex?" he looked away, but I'd seen the anguish in his eyes and I knew what was wrong. "I'm nervous too." I finished. 

"What's that got to do with anything?" he snapped in reply. "You don't like me like this. You never have. And now you want me to believe that you want to-"

"I do." I said firmly. Alex fell quiet. "Maybe it took that drunken kiss to realise it, but I do. And I'm not going to let you walk away without at least trying. You don't think we won't regret it, otherwise?"

Alex was silent, head bowed. 

I felt sick. Maybe it was from my bout of forceful insight, but I was pretty sure it was just nerves. He couldn't profess his love (in not quite those words) and then refuse to try to work things out together, could he? That didn't make any sense. 

"Alex." I said more quietly. 

He finally looked up. "You're a mean prick. You know that, right?" I grinned. This was Alex's way of admitting I was right.

"Yeah." I agreed. "Now shut up and go get your things. You're staying over at my place." His look of confusion vanished with my last words and I imagined he blushed, but it was a bit too dark to tell. 

"Fine." He said. I waited for him to vanish up the path, but he didn't move. I smirked inwardly and grabbed him for a kiss. 

He made a soft 'eep' noise and grabbed handfuls of my shirt and before long it had become nothing like the three brief kisses we'd shared already this evening. It fast became something approximating the drunken kiss I only half recalled. It was amazing. Better than amazing. Alex tasted so good, and his tongue teased mine and made my heart race. I was warm and tingly all over, burning where he touched me. It was so good I was getting hard. Embarrassingly hard, embarrassingly quickly. I hoped Alex either didn't notice or didn't care. Whatever. I was pretty close to not caring myself. 

Alex finally pulled away, almost reluctantly. I expected him to make a scathing remark but instead he was silent, wrapping his arms around me and holding me close, pressing his face against my neck and shoulder. I hugged him tightly back, warm all over. 

Finally he pulled away, grinned at me, planted a kiss on my lips and hurried towards his house. 

"I'll be quick!" he called over his shoulder. 

I didn't care. 

I wasn't going anywhere. 

At home I let us in and turned the lights on. 

"Your parents still away?"

"Yeah." I agreed. "Hungry?"

"You offering to cook for me?" Alex asked with a quick grin. 

"Um. Yeah." I agreed. 

"Sounds good." I made mac and cheese because it was easy and cheesy and it was comfort food. 

Alex sat on the bench and watched me. We talked a bit but it was still a little awkward. How were we supposed to go about this? 

"Thanks." He said when I sat down and passed him his bowl. It was a nice change to him moaning about how he couldn't cook. Neither could I, really, beyond a few basic meals. I was planning on learning though. Maybe I'd see if Alex wanted to learn with me. 

I stacked the dishes in the dishwasher and Alex wiped the benches down. 

I didn't know what to say. How could things change so much with just a few words, a few kisses?

"Hey." Alex said quietly. This new sincere Alex was weirding me out. I was not used to him being this nice. "Thanks for... for not listening to me earlier. You're right. About now I would have been at home kicking myself from here to forever. I just..."

"I know." I interrupted. 

Sometimes the possibility of losing or ruining something was so frightening that it was worse than the idea of never having it in the first place. 

Alex smiled briefly. "Yeah. Of course you do." He reached out and placed his palm over my heart. I was taken aback. It was an oddly intimate gesture. "No one knows me like you do." He said softly. "There's no one else in the whole world..."

"Hush, you." I told him, and kissed him. I was far more comfortable doing that than trying to think of words to express how I felt. 

Alex's hand gripped the back of my neck and I slid my fingers down his spine. His lips were so soft, warm and yielding. His mouth was hot and slick and his tongue was quick and teasing. Incredible. I wondered what it would feel like against my skin... elsewhere... a shiver ran through me and I was getting hard again. Alex moaned softly against me and then broke away, giggling. 




Loving James Ch. 02



"Bed?" he asked coyly. 

Blood rushed to my cheeks. Umm.... "I-" I drew a breath. "This is a bit fast." I blurted. I hadn't been kissed (sober) until today. I wasn't sure I was ready to jump into bed with him, no matter how hard my dick was, no matter that I was dreaming about it regularly. This was a huge step. I didn't even know what was involved, beyond the basics. 

"You're a nineteen year old virgin." Alex stated baldly with a raised eyebrow. I winced. Ouch. "And you think this is too fast?" 

"Um. Yeah." He rolled his eyes, but he pulled me back for a hug. It didn't do me much good, since I was all too aware of the way the bulge in my jeans was pressed against him. 

"Whatever." He grouched, but it was a good natured sort of grouching.

"Seriously, Alex." I said quietly. I almost felt stupid admitting this to him, but I was nervous and this whole thing still felt so tentative. I felt like we could undo what we'd done so far- but sex would change everything. Completely. Irrevocably.

"Fine, fine." He shook his head, then grinned at me. "I can think of other things for us to do instead." 

Oh, lord. 

"You really need your horizons broadened." He said, contemplating my wide eyed expression with a smile that could only be classified as wicked. My body jerked as his fingers lightly stroked my growing erection through my jeans. I held my breath. The sensation was wonderful, but it wasn't nearly enough. He began to caress me more firmly. Hot electricity pulsed through my veins. My cheeks were burning. I suddenly gasped for air and Alex looked amused. 

"Breathing is important." He reminded me in a tone that was lightly sarcastic. 

"I'll try to remember." I agreed vaguely- my attention was still focussed on exactly what he was doing with his fingers. I forgot to breathe again when he began rubbing circles around the head of my penis through my jeans. 

He looked up at me with a grin and I decided to kiss him. That way he couldn't grin at me like that. He couldn't look at me with those eyes. He kissed me enthusiastically back, and I held him close. 

"Bed?" he asked again huskily. 

This time I drew a deep breath to steady my nerves, and nodded. 

I don't remember much about Alex and I heading to my room. I remember the falling sensation as he shoved me so I fell on my back across my bed. I looked up at him and his smile gave me goose bumps. 

Alex got onto the bed too, knelt over me with one knee on either side of my body and proceeded to yank my t shirt until I helped him remove it. He lent down and plundered my mouth with his tongue. Heat surged to my groin. Maybe there wasn't going to be any sex- but I was damn sure he was going to get me off, whether he intended to or not. The pure adrenaline and excitement of touching another person so intimately was unparalleled by anything in my short existence. It far surpassed anything I could have imagined. 

Cold fingers trailed down my belly and I could feel my muscles flinch. Alex chuckled and shuffled back. I was totally unprepared for his teeth to close on my nipple. 

I cried out and nearly jumped off the bed. 

"What-" I managed, but then he started to suck and I was totally lost for words. I had no idea my nipples were this sensitive. I could only gasp and squirm as Alex caressed one of my nipples with his tongue and teeth, and rolled the other in his fingers. 

By now I was so hard that my dick was straining almost painfully against my jeans. I had my heels planted on the bed and I couldn't stop myself from jerking my hips. 

Alex smiled at me when he lifted his face from his chest. He sat back on his knees next to me and shucked his own shirt, then watched me as he reached for my zipper. 

Watching him took my breath away. He was so sexy and gentle. He pulled my jeans down and then slid them off my legs entirely, then he smiled at me coyly and reached out to caress me through my underwear. 

"Alex," I moaned. His smile widened. I didn't know exactly what I was asking for – just that I needed more. 

He took his time pulling my underwear away, sliding them off my hips, letting my cock spring free, revealing my balls and then drawing them over my thighs and down my legs. He looked at me, hard and erect, and I had the strongest urge to cover myself. I fought it, but I couldn't stop the hot blush across my cheeks. 

The instant when his hand first closed around my swollen skin was unparalleled. He swiped his palm across the head of my penis and slicked my precum over me. He stroked me so gently, and I was entranced by the sight of his delicate fingers stroking my hot hard flesh. I made soft needy whimpers I couldn't control. This was too much for me to handle with any semblance of self control.

"Al, uh- uh-uh-" was the extent of what I could manage. 

"Like that?" Alex breathed.

"Ungh, uh- oh god...." I realised when I looked at him that he'd been watching my reactions. My first response was embarrassment, pure and simple. Alex leant up and kissed me. 

"If you stop making those noises," he whispered and I'm sure he was deadly serious. "I'm going to stop sucking you off. Got it?"

"Uh huh." I responded. The last thing I wanted was for him to stop. Ever.

Alex smiled at me, then slid back down the bed. I watched him position himself between my thighs, look at me for effect through his lashes and slowly bend his head towards me. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the first touch of his tongue against my skin. "UNGH!" I grabbed handfuls of the sheets and Alex chuckled. His hot breath against me only made my arousal sharper. I was not going to last. 

Alex trailed his glorious tongue over me as I struggled valiantly to keep control. He was making little circles- oh god... 

"Alex," I moaned and his mouth took in the tip and then began to suck. "UNGH- God," I moaned again. He began to bob up and down on my shaft and I totally lost the power of coherent speech. Exquisite sensations rippled through me, making my skin tingle and heat swim through me. The world shrank until there was only us and I found myself thrusting upwards into the hot slickness of his throat as pleasure exploded through me and I came hard. Harder than I'd ever come before. 

Somehow I kept watching him all through it, and I am glad I did or I would have missed seeing Alex fumble desperately with his own jeans as he knelt over me. It only took him seconds to jerk them down around his hips and take his cock in hand and quickly jack himself to his own completion. He exploded over my groin and belly, threw his head back and cried my name. 

It was the hottest thing I'd ever seen in my life. 

He moaned as he came down from the high and dropped back onto his hands and knees above me. 

I grabbed him and pulled him down for a kiss. He squirmed. 

"Mother fucker!" he growled. "You got cum on my jeans."

The only thing I could do was laugh. It was pure joy and amazement and relief all bundled up together. 

"Well, you got cum all over me and my bed, so deal." I said. He grinned and then he let me kiss him. 

"So, are you going to be all girly about this and want to kiss for hours, or are we going to sleep tonight?" he asked. 

"Shut up." I told him, but I couldn't stifle a yawn. He laughed and shucked his jeans, used his boxers to wipe his cum off us then tossed them on the floor. 

We climbed under the covers and Alex sidled up right against me.

"Hypocrite." I murmured. 

"You love it." He said acidly and we both grinned. 

I wasn't used to sleeping with anyone else, and I got the impression that he wasn't either. In the end we went to sleep, his head on my chest, one arm flung across me. 

And he was right. 

I really did.



Loving James Ch. 03



Thanks soooo much to everyone for reading and voting and commenting- it means so much that you take the time to do so! I've been completely overwhelmed by the positive responses- so here is chapter 3- hopefully I'll have chapter 4 up soon!

Chapter 3 – Losing James?

James:

When I woke up it was light- I was spooned up behind Alex, my arms around him. 

My heart was racing, but I realised almost instantly that I wasn't waking up from a dream. I was actually hard again. And not only that but that my penis was in between Alex's butt cheeks. And I'd been humping against him. 

I was mortified. Was this ok? Was Alex going to freak?

I gently tried to ease myself away, and was startled into immobility when Alex muttered something. His arm came back to grab my leg and he shifted himself back against me. Then he settled back to sleep with a contented mumbling. 

It was so cute I just about came there and then. 

I wanted him to wake up, now, but I wasn't sure if I should. He might be really bitchy about it. 

I bit my lip. Being between his cheeks was so warm, so comfortable. So erotic. I thrust my hips gently and slowly forward, letting my penis slide up his crack and between his thighs, slowly pulled back. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying out inadvertently. 

Alex showed no sign of waking. I carefully repeated the motion. This time it felt slicker, my precum having smeared across him with the first thrust. I nudged the head of my penis as far as I could. It reached the warm, intimate place behind his balls. A shiver of excitement ran through me. 

He didn't respond apart from a sigh in his sleep. I bit my lip harder and thrust slowly again. His skin was so smooth, so hot- and I was touching him so intimately. It was unbelievable. 

I kept going, until I was sweating with the effort of keeping control, unable to stifle the occasional gasp. 

I had to stop. I had to. 

What was I doing? I wasn't that guy...

I forced my hips to a halt and squeezed my eyes tight shut to get a grip again. 

Alex's faint voice came to me. "If you fucking stop now I'll gut you." He spoke with urgency. 

"You're awake?" I was dumbfounded. I thought I'd feel more afraid of the consequences if he woke up, but I guess he'd already made his feelings known and he wasn't angry (at least, not in the way I'd been afraid) so there was no need for me to panic. 

"Yes, fuck- go, go- don't stop..." his hand snaked back again to grab my hip and encourage my thrusts against him and he moaned with pleasure when I moved with more certainty now. "Yes," he moaned, voice muffled again. He'd pressed his face to a pillow, gasping as he humped his hips back against me. 

I bit his shoulder, so temptingly smooth and sucked the skin hard. I thrust harder, the head of my penis nudging his balls every stroke, and slid my hand over his hip. It had occurred to me that he'd jacked me, sucked me off and now I was humping his arse, and I hadn't even touched him yet. 

He let out a whimper as my fingers brushed his cock. I tried to take it in my hand with some semblance of assurance. "Yes." He moaned, "Yes, yes, god, yes... fuck. Harder, James. Fuck. God. Yes." The sleepy gentle sex this had started off as disintegrated into a totally primal mating. We were both sweating and moaning and rutting against each other as furiously as we could. 

"Alex," I choked out. "Alex." 

"Yes," he gasped back to me. "Fuck. Yes." I suspect that may have been all he was capable of saying just then. I shuddered and came hard between his thighs, and Alex cried out and spurted into my fist around him. 

I drew deep breaths, rocked to my core. The sheer intimacy, the eroticism of the whole thing had blown my mind. And we hadn't even had real sex yet. 

Alex rolled over and slung one leg over my hips. I started to get excited again at the sensation of our cocks rubbing together against our cum slick skin. My heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. 

"Well, you turned out to be quite something, didn't you." He said. I couldn't read his tone. Was he pissed? I didn't dare answer. 

He reached up and kissed me. 

"So much for 'too fast'." He mimicked. I grinned. 

"Yeah." I agreed. 

Alex sighed deeply, and closed his eyes again. He looked totally at peace, utterly content. It was not an expression I was used to seeing on his face. 

"You know." He mumbled after a while. "This isn't going to be so easy when your parents get home."

"Hmm." I agreed. I'd already thought of that. We both lived at home, and while I didn't know how his mum would feel about it, mine would definitely object to us having sex or anything even close to it under their roof. (While they were away didn't count. They didn't get to know about that.)

"I don't know if you realise," he said. "But you're kinda loud." 

"Whatever." I said. I didn't really believe him. Alex giggled and suddenly bit my nipple. Hard. I grabbed him as an exclamation escaped me before I could stop it, then groaned. Alex giggled again. 

"See? Everyone in the house would have heard that." 

"They probably wouldn't even let you stay over, anyway." I said, trying to recover some semblance of control.

"So when do they get back?" 

"Mm. Tomorrow." Alex moaned. 

"I hope their flights get cancelled." He mumbled petulantly. 

I smiled. I did too. 

Being a Sunday neither of us had plans. We dozed for a while, then I finally convinced him that we should get up, showered and get dressed, and took him to a café nearby that did awesome breakfasts. It was a good thing that they ran their breakfast menu all day, since by the time we got there it was basically lunchtime. 

"Are we going to have the boyfriend talk?" Alex asked suddenly, half way through our meal. I swallowed.

"The what?" 

"You know. Make it official." I blinked at him. 

"I thought it was." I said slowly. We'd come pretty close to sex and we were having breakfast. We'd said we wanted to give it ago, and I thought that'd been indication enough.

Alex rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure. Ok. Just..." he put his fork down. "If you don't make it explicit, some guys... they prefer not to realise that- that you thought this was a monogamous relationship, you know?"

"Alex! This is me you're talking to!" He rolled his eyes again and looked away. Shit. "Has- has someone done that to you?" 

A bitter smile twisted his face for a moment. "Yeah." He agreed with a shrug. "My first." I tried to remember. I hadn't hung out with Alex at high school very often. And not before I'd come out. 

"Blonde dude. Timothy something." I finally said. Alex nodded once, stayed silent. "What me to track him down and kick his butt?" I offered. He looked up with a grin. 

"Yeah." He agreed. "That'd be good." 

"So, the boyfriend talk." I said. He nodded once, looking slightly embarrassed now. "We're together. Neither of us is going to see anyone else. Talk over." Alex smiled. 

"You're such a loser." He said. 

"Me?" I shot back. "You're the one who wanted to have 'the boyfriend talk'." 

"Eat your pancakes." He grumbled. 

I grinned and stole a piece of his bacon. 

I loved his scowl. This was normal. This was comfortable. And it made me strangely happy that we could still be this way after the things we'd done last night and this morning. 

Just the memory of Alex's teeth on my skin, his hands, his hot slick mouth and I could feel myself getting hard. And we hadn't gone all the way yet. Just the idea that there was more to do, more of him to explore and I could hardly keep eating. 

"You're thinking naughty thoughts." Alex said in a low voice, but he was smiling and sounded particularly self satisfied. 

"Yeah." I agreed because I didn't think he'd expect me to. "And guess who I'm thinking about?" 

"Tired of being a virgin?" he asked, leaning forward a little. 

"You know- it's actually getting really old really fast." Alex grinned. 

"Time to go home?" he asked. His voice had risen slightly. 

"I'm still eating my pancakes." I said innocently. 

He hastily stood up and caught his chair before it clattered backwards, then marched inside. I watched with a grin as he made a beeline for the cash register and hung over the counter until someone came to serve him. 

Seconds later he was outside again. 

"Up. Come on, we're going. I'll buy you breakfast another time." He said, trying to hoist me up. I was pretty sure I could resist him, but I was nearly finished and I was as eager to get home again as he was. 

"Alright, alright." I got up and he grabbed my hand and started walking quickly. 

"We could always run." I teased him gently. He shot me a dark look. 

"I don't play sport. You think I'm going to let you run off without me?"

"I could carry you." I said with a shrug. 

The look he gave me was even blacker. 

I let us back into my house and we took our shoes off just inside. We hadn't actually been gone that long. 

"Alex," I suddenly said. "I don't think we can do this." he gave me a mournful look. I'd expected black mutterings at the very least. "I mean- I don't have any condoms or-" Alex looked surprised, then threw back his head and laughed. 

"What the hell did you think I was going to bring when you told me to pack? I've got everything we need." He was way too smug about this. 

"Oh." The sick disappointment was fading fast from my stomach, replaced by a sudden tension. Was I really ready to do this? 

Alex took my hand and led me to my bedroom. 

He kissed me and I kissed him back. I liked kissing and we'd done that before. Not so hard. His tongue was slick and teasing, and his hands traced patterns on my back. 

Oh yeah. This was good. 

Stepping back, he pulled off his jacket and let it drop to the floor, let his hands fall to the hem of his shirt and pulled it off over his head. 

"You want me?" he asked. I swallowed hard. I didn't think I could actually reply so I nodded. He smiled. "Here's what you're going to do." He said and I actually shivered. "You're going to strip for me. Then you're going to come over here and you're going to learn how to suck me." I could feel my blood rushing to my cheeks and to my dick. "Alright?" he asked silkily. I nodded once. 

A slow smile spread across his face. 

"So?" he asked slowly. I pulled off my jumper over my head with fingers made clumsy with need and excitement. My shirt I pulled off in the same way, then I undid my belt. Alex stood across the room in his jeans, watching me with hungry eyes. 

I undid my jeans slowly, wishing I could make this into more of a display for him, but not knowing how. I pushed them off over my hips and look up at Alex again. 

He licked his lips. 

"Come here." he whispered. I left my briefs on, walked over to him. He looked up at me and swallowed. "You heard what I said." He was trying so hard to sound cool and strong. It didn't work for him. He was turning red and his voice shook. I could have teased him about it but I didn't want to. I kissed him instead, then slowly got to my knees in front of him. His ribs rose and fell quickly with each breath he took, faster than normal and slightly irregular. 

My fingers weren't just clumsy anymore- they were practically useless. Somehow I managed to undo Alex's jeans and slide them down. He was wearing blue boxers, tented badly, a damp spot staining the fabric. 

I reached up and brushed my fingers over that spot, felt the heat of him underneath. 

I could do this. Suddenly I knew I could, no doubts, no hesitation. I couldn't guarantee I'd be any good at it, but I could at least do it. 

I reached up and pulled his boxers slowly away as well, watched his cock spring free. I looked up at him, expecting him to make an acerbic comment, to tell me to get on with it or something. 

Instead he was watching me with eyes that were wide and dark with desire. But more than that, vulnerable. Apart from the fact that I knew he wasn't as confident a person as he made out, it was really the first indication I'd had from him that the idea of sex was as unnerving to him as it was to me. Did he think I was going to push him away? Laugh at him again? 

I got back to my feet rather unsteadily, pulled him close and demanded another kiss from him, sucked lightly on his tongue. "How come," I breathed into his ear. "How come I never noticed how gorgeous you are?" Alex shook his head mutely and I stopped him, kissed him again. "You're beautiful." I said firmly. He closed his eyes and let me shower his face with kisses. 

His erection nudged my thigh. I sank back to the floor, reached to touch him. He was smaller than I was, his head was an angry red and he curved beautifully towards his stomach. A pearl of precum shone at his slit. My mouth watered. I was taken aback by the strength of my desire. 

"James." He breathed, opening his eyes. "You- you don't have to-" 

I grinned at him and arched one eyebrow. "As if you could stop me." I let myself explore him for a moment, touching and feeling his weight, the amazing texture of his velvet skin over the throbbing hardness beneath. His balls made my mouth water as well. I was in too much of a hurry to do more than palm them gently and wonder at the texture of the hair there and its shockingly vivid colour. 

I scooped up the precum with my finger, put it in my mouth, let it spread across my tongue. It tasted different from my own seed (yes, I'd tasted that before) and it was all uniquely Alex. 

I looked up at him. He was biting his bottom lip, his narrow chest heaving. 

"You taste good." I told him, my voice lower than I'd expected. He exhaled and drew a breath back in quickly. He was begging with his eyes. 

The desire to taste him again drew me to look back at his cock. I found myself leaning forward to take him into my mouth straight away. 

Alex let out a groan and his hands grabbed my shoulders.

"James. James." He hissed. 

I only had the head in my mouth, getting used to the sensation and testing the muscles in my jaw. I sucked more of him in and tried to suck him. I know I got him with my teeth since he hissed and jerked, but he didn't bitch about it. I don't think he actually mentioned it at all.

It felt so good to do this for him. Hearing his soft whimpers made me hard and absolutely wild to find my own release, and just as determined to ignore my own need and attend to him. 

I sucked as much of him into my mouth as I could. I didn't try and force myself to take more. By the way Alex was groaning I'd say he liked what I was doing well enough anyway. And I did not want to be sick on his feet. I rather thought that might ruin the mood of the occasion. 

I started to bob up and down his length with more confidence and speed, but he suddenly tried to push me away. 

"I'm going to cum," he blurted. 

That was all? I wrapped an arm around his waist and took him back into my mouth. He gave a half wail and suddenly he was cumming. There was quite an art to swallowing, I discovered, as I lost half his load down my chin. 

Alex moaned above me and sank to his knees in front of me. "You look so hot covered in my cum." He husked, then suddenly looked at me with wide eyes. 

"Glad you think so." I teased and he relaxed again. He touched my cheek and raised his face and began to lick and kiss his seed off my skin. 

I let my hands run up and down his back. His skin was smooth and warm, his torso tapered gently in a way which led me down to his cheeks. I cupped them and he demanded a deeper kiss again. His tongue was so talented I didn't think I could stand it. 

I began to explore his arse. I'd gotten off against it this morning, but I hadn't touched him like this before. Gentle touches seemed to drive him crazy. He made soft noises and spread his knees more, shifted his hips back to encourage me to touch him. 

The moist heat of his crack was mesmerising, and the soft, puckered skin around his hole was incredible, fascinating. He felt so tiny. How the hell was I going to do this without hurting him? What if I didn't measure up to his last boyfriends? Come to think of it, was that what he wanted? What if he wanted things the other way? Now that idea sounded rather good too...

"Um. Alex. Which way are we-?" I asked, hoping I didn't sound as hesitant as I felt. 

"You don't think I'm going to let you fuck me with that thing before I've been in you, do you?" Alex retorted, his huffy self. "No way. Not before I've fucked your arse, mister."

"Ok." I agreed. The very thought of him inside me and my stomach dropped with longing, shivers of excitement ran through me. I could do that. God, I wanted it. And I felt that he needed me to give myself to him totally before he could believe I was in this for good, before he could trust me enough to give himself to me. 

I kissed him again and Alex pressed close to me, sliding his hands down my back to my cheeks. He began to massage them in a circle, making me gasp. 

"Really?" he asked huskily, sliding a finger into my crack to circle my pucker. My legs went weak. 

"Uh huh." I agreed, gripping his shoulders and trying to encourage him to rub his hips back against mine. 

"You want me to fuck you?" he asked. If I'd been paying attention to anything other than his talented fingers I might have noticed how curious, how surprised he sounded. 

"Yes." I said. 

He moaned. "Say it." He begged. "Say it, James..."

I blinked away some of my lust induced haze and saw the brightness in his eyes. I stroked his cheek. "I want you to fuck me." I whispered. He moaned and closed his eyes briefly. 

"That's the hottest thing you've ever said," he breathed, returning my kiss with renewed ardour. 

"Yeah, but I don't say as much as you do, so it's not like that means much." I teased. 

"You speak far too much when your lips could be otherwise engaged," he said acidly. "Why do you choose the times we're naked to open up and have a chat?"

"I don't know." I said slowly, as if I was seriously considering his question. "Maybe it's because-" Alex gave a moan of despair and I laughed. I was only teasing him.

"Bastard." He snarled, but it quickly turned into a gasp as I dropped my hands to his hips and pulled him closer. "Bed. Now." He commanded. Somehow we made it in a tangle of limbs, Alex lying over me, my hard on jabbing his stomach. "Somehow," he said quietly, searchingly. "I always thought you'd be a top." 

"I think I am." I agreed cautiously. 

"Then – I mean, we don't have to-"

I touched his cheek, slid my fingers into his hair. 

"I want both." I whispered. "I want everything." 

He managed a brief smile, then hesitated again. "You know." He said slowly. "I- I haven't topped before. I haven't even had a boyfriend since you came out." 

"Yeah? Well, I win. I haven't done either before. And I've never had a boyfriend. We'll figure it out as we go along. Ok?" 

Alex got off the bed. I just about stopped breathing. I sat up and realised what he was doing. He rummaged in his bag, and produced a box and a tube with a flourish and returned to bed. Right where I wanted him. 

"Ok." He said, with more of his false brashness. "I have to prepare you." I wasn't quite sure what this entailed. "You should lie on your back. Knees up." I was glad that we were doing it this way first. 

Alex reached out and ran his fingers lightly down my crack. I shuddered. He repeated the motion again and again and I thought he might be teasing me. 

I drew a sharp breath as he began to circle my hole rapidly with his fingertip, felt a fluttering in my belly.

The sound of him squeezing lube onto his fingers made me shiver, but that was nothing compared to the touch of his cold slick finger against my skin. 

"Alex." I tried to shift my knees further apart, felt the pressure where he was pushing his finger into me. 




Loving James Ch. 03



I had expected more. I shifted a little, felt him remove his finger, relube, and push it back inside me again. I could feel him there, but that was it. Strangely, the thought was reassuring. I could do this. 

There was a brief twinge when he pushed a second finger inside me. I drew a sharp breath, then Alex's other hand closed around my erection. He began to stroke me as he stretched me out, distracting me and relaxing me all at once. 

"Alex." I finally gathered enough presence of mind to begin. "I-I'm ready." I wanted to cum with him inside me, and that was looking less and less likely the longer he kept this up. 

"Are you sure? I should really go another finger, I mean, I'm bigger than-"

"Now. I don't care, Alex, I need you." I don't think I truly believed he could hurt me. I was bigger and taller and stronger...

"Ok." He said cautiously and I watched him roll a condom down his length and lube up. 

Suddenly his dick seemed bigger than it had before. 

Alex moved up, positioned himself against me. I could feel his heat against my entrance, wrapped one leg around his hips. 

"Ready?" he asked. I nodded hurriedly. "Ok." He said, breathed out, and started pushing forward. 

There was pressure, then his head popped into me and there was a sudden sharp sting. I couldn't help my gasp, felt my erection begin to flag. 

Alex stilled and I squirmed. The pain grew as I felt my hole flutter around him, trying to expel him. "Ok. Ok. Just try and push me out." His words tumbled over themselves. 

"But I don't want you out." I managed to reply, most of my energy focussed on trying to relax around him. 

"It'll be easier, doofus." He said, hands gripping my legs hard. "Just push, ok?" 

I nodded and pushed, and it suddenly felt a little better. 

"Alright?" he asked. I nodded and he began pushing again. I could feel his heat and hardness inside me, an uncomfortable sort of fullness. "Oh my god." He moaned when he was totally inside me, our skin pressed together. His eyes were closed, squeezed shut. His skin shone with a sheen of sweat. 

I shifted slightly. This felt... weird. 

"I'm in you." He breathed. "Babe, I'm in. God, you're so tight." 

I wasn't even half hard now and I felt vaguely disappointed, even though I'd do this again in a heartbeat if Alex was enjoying it as much as he seemed to be. 

"You ok, babe?" he asked finally. I met his gaze and nodded. He gave me a big smile, began to pull his hips back. 

He completed a couple of long slow thrusts, bottoming out each time. The sting had faded. It actually felt... kind of nice. 

I pulled him closer for a kiss. Even if it didn't feel as good as I'd expected, this was incredibly intimate and I wanted more contact with him. Alex moaned softly and thrust and my body arched almost involuntarily in response to the sudden burst of pleasure that coursed through me. 

"Whoa." I said with a gasp, holding Alex closer. He snickered softly and kissed me again. 

This time I was paying attention. I could feel the head of his cock rubbing against something inside me, sending shockwaves through me. It was so good it deserved another moan. 

Alex's breathing hitched when I arched back against him, began to stroke the skin of his back and shoulders. He thrust harder into me, which only made those ripples of pleasure even stronger. I was fully hard between us again, waiting for every movement of his hips, every nip of his teeth or brush of his lips across my skin. I was leaking precum onto my belly, moaning with each bump against my prostate. 

I guess I'd expected him to be talkative, but he was wholly intent on his task. His mouth was engaged at my shoulder and throat, and he spread his hands on my chest and flicked my nipples. I whimpered against Alex's neck. 

This time I noticed that I did end up being the noisy one. And I couldn't have cared enough to try and stop myself from making the noises I did. 

Delicate fingers began to stroke me and I tried to pull Alex to move harder within me. His breathing was ragged. 

"Alex, harder," I demanded. He keened softly in response, but his thrusts were faster, if slightly more irregular. Oh god, it felt incredible. I was going to come soon. The sensation of his fingers stroking me in time with his hitting the nerves inside me and the shockwaves that produced was far too much. 

"Alex," I moaned. I could feel my balls pulling up, tightening. God, I was going to- "Alex," I managed urgently. "Alex, I'm cumming, I'm- uh, uh-" Pleasure exploded through me, tingling sharply over my skin and making me cry out for him. My muscles went taut and I arched without any sort of conscious thought. Relief swept through me in a flood. Hot seed spilt across my stomach and Alex wailed softly, followed me over the edge. 

His orgasm was a lot quieter than mine. He groaned softly and let himself fall on top of me, still twitching sporadically with the aftershocks. 

I desperately wanted to giggle, but I didn't dare. The problem was, the more I tried to stop, the more irresistible the urge was. 

He looked up just as I finally cracked and started to laugh. 

He looked stricken, but I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his forehead and then his nose and then his lips. Then I pulled back to see his expression. He looked confused, but he kissed my mouth. I pushed him away, still laughing. 

Alex gave me a flat look. "Are we making this into a habit?" he said bitingly. 

"You were twitching. I can't help it."

Alex rolled his eyes and pulled out of me. I groaned. 

"Ha." He said, eyes alight. "Not so funny now, is it?" he asked and flicked the used condom over his shoulder. 

"Hey!" I objected, seeing it hit the front of my wardrobe and slide towards the floor. "I'm going to have to do some serious cleaning before mum gets home." I growled. Alex looked over his shoulder and grinned. 

"Serves you right." He said. 

"Shut up." I told him and pulled him to kiss me. He relaxed against me and I wrapped him close in my arms. "That was pretty amazing." I murmured to him, wondering if he needed some sort of reassurance. He hadn't looked for any yet, but that was unusual. 

"I know." He said, then grinned evilly. "You should have heard yourself. I can only assume you didn't or otherwise you'd be more embarrassed about it."

"That bad?" I asked with a wince. 

"I like it." He said with a giggle. "The neighbours probably don't though." 

Alex:

"Hey, Lexie," a voice said, accompanied by an arm around my shoulders. I'd been wandering around this damn party seeing if any of my friends were here yet. James would probably be late, but I had expected Andrew and Elspeth at the very least to be around. I knew it had been a bad idea to come without waiting for James. 

But no one called me Lexie. So who-? Ah. Tim. Tim Blake. Bastard. Thought I'd left him behind in high school. Heat burned beneath my ribs. I hated him so much it hurt. "I heard word you found someone to do you on a regular basis." Fucking prick. Did he think his stupid nice voice would make me think he wasn't the same bastard he'd always been? Probably jealous. Or looking to score. Should tell him I do have a boyfriend now, and that he's a damn sight better lay than he ever was. 

Mark Simmons was with him. Shit. 

"Ha ha." I said sourly. Hate them hate them hate them. Bastards. "Well, you got it a little back to front. I do the fucking in this relationship." Tim laughed. 

"No shit?" he asked. "Damn. Hate to see your tight arse go to waste." Fucker. Cannot believe he just said that. "But I can't believe you've found someone who'll bottom for you."

"I know." I said, trying to match his light tone, convey the depth of my loathing for him too. "Pathetic, right? Who'd have thought I'd be dating a sappy girly guy?"

Tim laughed. "Does he have any balls?" he asked.

"When he needs them," I replied with a shrug I hoped was casual. 

"Is he here?" Tim asked. Christ, I hoped not. I did not want him and Tim to see each other. There would probably be a fight after what I'd told James about him. "I have to see this. I have to see the guy letting little baby Lexie fuck him." I turned around to scan the room, froze, my heart going cold and still in my chest.

James was standing behind me, jaw set, face pink. 

Fuck. 

"James." I blurted, caught myself. 

"Hey, James," Tim said. James was one of the few people Tim called by his real name. Probably because he knew James could take him out. "Point out Lexie's boyfriend to us. I have to see who'd-"

A humourless smile twisted James' mouth. I winced in anticipation. This was not going to be pretty. "Yeah." He said softly. "That'd be ex-boyfriend." 

What? 

I stared at him, suddenly dizzy and sick. He looked at me and not Tim or Mark. 

I swallowed hard. He turned away. 

"James! James, wait!" I grabbed his arm but he shook me off, roughly. If he tried to hit me I wouldn't even try to defend myself. 

"You think that's funny?" he snapped. 

"James, I'm sorry- I-" panic rose in a churning mass in my stomach. I'd never seen James this angry. He'd lost most of the colour in his face now. He was almost white. 

"All you do is bitch and moan," he snarled. "And when it's to me, fine, I couldn't give a flying fuck. But to an arsewipe like him? I make you that unhappy?"

"No!" I protested. Fuck! I couldn't let him think that! "No, I didn't mean-"

"You think you can say that stuff about anyone? You think I'm just going to take it? Let you publicly run me down?" 

"Just let me explain!" I begged. Fuck. 

"What the fuck is there to explain?" he snarled, then turned and left the room. 

I stood there helplessly in the middle of the terrible silence he left in his wake. 

I wanted to turn around and tear Tim a new one, but there was no point. I was the one who'd chosen to take up his verbal sparring and had chosen to say those things. 

Why had I cared so much what he thought after what he'd done to me? Why had I bothered to speak to him at all?

And now he was really going to be laughing at me. 

Why not? I'd just lost the very best thing to happen to me in a stupid pissing competition . 

The thought made me physically ill. I went to go after him, thinking to catch him and make him listen to me, but a hand caught my arm. 

"Let go." I snarled at Tim. He twisted my wrist and jerked me close. Pain shot up my arm to my shoulder. I yelped and tried to yank my wrist away. Tears of pain stung my eyes. 

"So I guess your arse is free now." Tim said with a leer. Fucking prick. Motherfucking son of a bitch. 

"Let go!" I yelled this time. He grabbed my shirt with his other hand. The room was awkwardly quiet. I don't think anyone knew quite what to do. 

"Come on." He said, false sweet. "I'm free, you're out of options. We can have fun again."

"What makes you think I had fun?" I spat. "Let's see; was it the fact you never got me off? Or maybe the fact you fucked around behind my back and laughed about it with your friends? You're a selfish prick, Timothy Blake, and you're probably so diseased I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. Not even if you were the last guy on earth. Now fucking let go of my arm."

His expression was murderous. His hand tightened around my wrist. I clenched my jaw. I was not going to let him see how much that hurt. 

"I think he said let go." A cold voice said. Andrew was suddenly by my side. My knees were weak with relief. 

"What's it to you?" Tim sneered. "You coming to ickle cry baby Lexie's rescue, are you?"

Bastard! 

The solid pain of my knuckles connecting with his jaw was a good hurt. I'd never hit anyone before and I don't think I'd imagined I ever would. But that felt really, really good. 

Tim let go of my other arm as his head snapped back. 

"You little shit," he spat, raising a hand to touch his face and stepping towards me. 

I was prepared to hit him again. Hell, I wanted to. I stepped forward and closed the distance.

"Hey, break it up!" Andrew said sharply, moving to stand between us. 

I'm not quite sure what happened, but there was a movement in the corner of my eye and then I was throwing another punch and then we were fighting. Like, really fighting. Hitting and biting and scratching. And ok, maybe I was the only one biting and scratching, but whatever. It was still a fight. And besides, I think it worked. 

Andrew hauled me away, still shouting over his shoulder at Tim and Mark. 

He pulled me into the kitchen and pushed me into a chair. "What the fuck was that about?" he yelled. He had a bad blood nose. It was dripping onto his shirt. No wonder he was pissed. 

There was no way I could tell him it was about me losing James. About me being a world class idiot and ruining absolutely everything. I glared at him instead. "I could have handled it." I was half surprised my words came out clear, my teeth were clenched so hard. Had I really lost James? That quick? Just a thoughtless instant and it was over? But I'd only just got him, I wanted to protest – as if it would make a difference. We'd only been together a week. 

I felt like I was going to be sick. Panic made my chest tight. 

"Yeah right." He snorted, wiped his face on his sleeve, leaving a big, dark blood stain on the fabric and a bright smear across his skin. "What were you thinking? He's like twice your size, Alex!"

I wanted to yell that I wasn't thinking, that I didn't care how big he was, I just wanted to hurt him. I hated him for making me hate him enough to be such an idiot, enough to ruin everything with James. If that made any sense at all...

"Fuck, I didn't start it! It's not my fault he's such a dickhead!" His nose was bleeding so bad that the blood was already running down his chin again. He reached up to hold his nose and try and stem the flow. "Whatever, I'm going." I snapped. I was not about to hang around here and fight with Andrew about this while James was going home and Tim and Mark were still around. This was not my idea of a fun party anymore. 

I had to get out. I had to find James. I could see those moments clearly in my mind, replaying over and over again. James' face. The feeling of horror that rendered me speechless. The heart stopping moment where he'd said-

"Um. I need some tissues." Andrew said. It was possibly the only thing he could have said that would have made me stay with him. Especially since I looked at him and he was looking at the blood running down his hands with a bemused sort of look on his face. 

I swore inwardly and looked around the kitchen. I grabbed the box of tissues lurking by the phone, and passed them to him. 

Andrew grabbed a handful, pressed them to his face and tilted his head back. 

"Ew, don't do that!" I told him. "You'll be sick! Lean forward and pinch the bridge of your nose." 

"Why?" he asked. 

"Fucking hell, how should I know? I'm not a nurse." I wanted to hit him, too. Here I was, standing around while he bled out, and I wanted to be running after James, apologising, throwing myself on his mercy... anything. I just didn't want to be here. 

"I hate blood." He mumbled. 

"Suck it up." I grumbled, disregarding the fact that I'd probably have been a quivering mess if I was bleeding that much. 

"This is your fault." He accused me. 

"Shut up!" I barked and glared at him. He looked at me in surprise and I knew I'd sounded serious. Really serious. He must have thought my face was red from anger and not from trying not to cry. The thing was, he was right. From starting a fight, to him getting hit in the nose, to James walking out. 

This was my fault. 

Every last bit of it.



Loving James Ch. 04



James:

I left the party feeling cold and hot, almost numb.

What had just happened?

I started walking down the street towards home. All I felt was shocked.

I had never expected this. Granted, I'd never expected Alex to like me in the way he did and I'd never expected to start dating one of my friends, or even to fall into this as easily as I had...

But this...

I stopped at the end of the street and looked at my feet.

Alex... he couldn't have meant me to hear him. Which meant what? That he was saying things about me behind my back? But what did that mean? That this whole thing was just a joke to him? I couldn't believe that.

Then what?

I didn't understand how this had happened. Or why.

The whole thing made me feel sick. This felt like nothing more than some great surreal cosmic joke.

I'd never expected this. Things had been so comfortable. So easy. And now they were over? How could they be over?

I started walking again, more slowly, then stopped and turned around.

I didn't want it to end like this.

It was suddenly really clear to me that I couldn't let go like this. I couldn't even remember what he'd said anymore. Only what I'd said and the look on his face. And there was my own growing realisation that I almost didn't care what he'd said. I could forgive that. But I'd never be able to forgive myself for letting him go like this.

And after what I'd said... and, Christ, I'd left him alone with Timothy fucking Blake of all people.

I broke into a run.

I had to get back to the party.

Now.

Alex:

I leant against the cupboard, my teeth clenched so hard my whole head hurt. This had to be one of the worst nights ever.

Andrew had shut up, for which I was incredibly grateful, but he was still bleeding in torrents and I was still standing there, waiting for him to be well enough to drive me home. Or to James' house.

I wanted to go to James' more than anything, but I did not want Andrew to be there when I saw him. It would be awful enough without the addition of an audience.

I'd thought about starting off by going all cliché on him and throwing pebbles at his window, but I was afraid he'd ignore me or I'd break one or find I'd got the wrong room and wake his sister up instead. So instead I was considering knocking and if he didn't answer then I'd progress to ringing the doorbell. If people were asleep or even just home then hopefully he wouldn't be able to ignore me. And if he did then throwing pebbles could always be plan B.

But what if he hadn't gone home?

And what was I going to say to him even if he was there?

Christ, I was an idiot. I wasn't even sure he'd ever actually really wanted to date me in the first place. He'd started dating me after finding out how I felt, not because he'd come up with the idea on his own. And now this? As if he wasn't thinking he was well shot of me.

I should have been doing everything I could have done to make him fall in love with me, and instead I'd ruined everything.

Andrew was swearing about his shirt again. The party was still going on out there. My head fucking hurt.

A movement caught my eye and I looked up.

James.

James was standing in the kitchen.

My heart pounded in my ears. My eyes stung with tears.

He was still here?

"What happened to you?" James asked Andrew, sounding very surprised. All the same, he was watching me more than Andrew.

Andrew looked up and scowled at me too. "Alex got in a fight and I sacrificed my face to save him." He said bitterly.

"Let me see." James said shortly. Andrew pulled the tissues away and James put his hand on his forehead- but not like he was taking his temperature. He had the heel of his hand on Andrew's forehead and his fingers in his hair. He tilted Andrew's face from one side to the other, eyeing his nose critically. "You're fine." He said shortly. "Put some pressure back on the bridge of your nose for a while."

Andrew glared at him too, muttered something about his shirt, but James was looking at me.

"Why'd you say that stuff?" He asked after an interminable silence, weirdly calmly.

"It didn't mean anything!" I snapped back. If he was going to forgive me couldn't he just say it already? "What's the big deal? You don't want people to know you were the one being fucked?"

That made him angry. "Alex, I don't care who knows what we do or how we do it! That's not the point!"

"I say crap all the time and it was nothing so I don't get why you're-"

"Because you acted like I was some notch on your bedpost, like being top makes you a big man, like it makes you better than me. You're my first, Alex. That really hurt." James was pink, looked totally sincere.

"It didn't mean anything!" I repeated.

"So why'd you say it?" He demanded with uncharacteristic heat.

"Because it was him, and you knew and you just left, like everything has to be on your terms,-"

"On my terms? Alex, all I want is to know whether this means something to you or if this is just some kind of a joke. Is this serious or not?"

What? I stared at him in shock. Wasn't it over already? Or maybe not, since he'd come back... I shook my head hastily, realising I'd been staring at him with my mouth open. "Of course it's serious!" I objected.

"Then why don't you act like it?"His voice had fallen. He sounded weary more than anything. And that actually kind of scared me.

"James, this is just one thing," I tried to sound reasonable. I think I failed.

"Why were you trying to impress him? You don't even like him."

"I was not trying to impress him!"

"Then why did-"

"Because I'm afraid of him, ok? And it was like, maybe I wouldn't if I wasn't, I don't know, available to him anymore. I don't know, James, I just... I didn't mean anything." I finished miserably. What else was there I could say?

"It did mean something." James said quietly. The look on his face...

I looked at him in horror, my eyes filling with tears. It was stupid, seeing as he'd already left me once tonight. But it struck me that maybe he hadn't come back because he was regretting leaving me at all. Maybe he just wanted to leave me less publicly. Maybe he just liked closure.

"I'm sorry." He said with a sigh. "I shouldn't have left, you're right." He went on softly. Wait- he was... apologising to me? "I should have been there. I should have..." I stared at him. He looked so worried.

James finally tried a ginger sort of smile.

He was smiling at me? But... but smiling was good!

I didn't even have to try to smile back. It just sort of happened. And then James' hands landed on my hips and his smile got bigger. Mine got more watery.

And then he leant forward. It was surreal, like in slow motion. His lips finally touched mine and I never wanted the moment to end. It was an undemanding kiss, just sweet and soft and tender. I leaned into him, wanting more, holding onto his shirt and pressing my body closer to his.

I put my arms around his neck and hung onto him tight when we pulled back. James rested his head against mine and we held on in silence.

"Wait," Andrew's voice suddenly broke the silence. "So that's it? Everything's cool? Just like that?"

"There's a reason you're single, Andrew," I said pointedly, then stopped. Maybe I shouldn't be saying things (especially things about being single...) so soon ... but James grinned at me.

"You know, this party's getting kind of boring." He said, still smiling at me. "What say we go?"

I grinned back at him. This was good. This was better than good! This was better than I'd ever hoped. "Yeah." I agreed, slipping my hand into his.

"Wait!" Andrew said, following us to the kitchen door. "You can't go yet! Aren't you going to scream at each other? What the hell just happened?"

I made a face at Andrew over my shoulder. If he was being pouty then obviously his nose wasn't as badly hurt as he thought.

James suddenly stopped. I was going to ask why but then I saw Tim in front of him.

Shit.

So not good.

"You're back." Tim said flatly.

"Yeah. Couldn't stay away." James said, beaming. "See, I realised that I can't live without Alex's cock. You know. Oh, wait, that's right- being the prick that you are you missed out, didn't you?" Tim was going almost as pink as I was. James stepped forward then, chest to chest with Tim. He said something, but he said it so softly that I couldn't hear what he said. I doubted anyone but Tim would have been able to hear.

Tim sneered, but James shot him another sweet smile and then dragged me after him out of the room.

I really really wanted to know what James had said.

James laughed as we made it out of the house and pulled me into his arms again. I clutched him back tightly, buried my face against him. His arms tightened around me and we stood unmoving for quite some time.

"Want to come back to my house?" he asked.

"What about your parents?" I asked. I didn't know them by any more than sight, but I knew my mum probably wouldn't be too happy if I brought my new boyfriend home without any prior warning.

"We can sneak in," James answered, grinning.

Was he hearing himself? "Really? They won't be upset?"

He shrugged. "They probably won't mind. Well, mum won't. And dad doesn't argue. They're pretty laidback about things. As long as we're not... you know. Like, naked or something. That's crossing the line."

"Oh." I wasn't sure I really wanted to go to his house, but I was very, very sure that I was not ready to stop holding his hand and go home. "Well. Only if you tell me what you said to Tim."

James gave me a curious look, then grinned and shrugged. "Just told him that if he or his tiny dick ever bother you again I'll hurt him."

I blinked. "I never said-"

James looked surprised. "What, you mean...? He's actually...?"

I coughed a little. Should never have raised this topic. "Uh. Can we like forget it already?"

He just laughed and pulled me along after him.

James:

I woke up much warmer than usual, then remembered Alex. All these limbs weren't my own. Only the top of his head was above the blankets, a vivid red tuft of hair. He was holding onto my arm like a teddy bear, which was cute, but I really really needed to get to the bathroom, and that was going to complicate things.

I tried to slide my arm away but Alex mumbled and pulled my arm closer. Damn.

I waited for a moment, hoping he might have fallen back to sleep, then tried again.

This time his head popped up and he was wide awake.

Well, sort of.

"Hmmph?" he said, or rather mumbled.

"I just need my arm back." I whispered.

He blinked at me then looked down as if trying to figure out where my arm was, then his face went pink and he abruptly let go.

"Sorry," he muttered, letting his head fall back onto the pillow. I hopped over him and got out of bed, then looked back at him. He had his eyes shut again but I didn't think he was asleep.

I planted a kiss on his lips, then scurried off to the bathroom.

On my way back down the hall my one and only intention was to crawl back into bed with Alex and just cuddle for a while. Problem being, mum was already knocking on my bedroom door.

"Ah- mum..." I said, wincing inwardly and hoping I sounded vaguely normal.

"Ah." She responded with an expression of enlightenment, looking at me and then at my door again. She was in her favourite pink silky pyjamas and her hair was just short of everywhere. "I didn't think that sounded like your voice."

I offered a hopeful smile.

"Who's that, then?" she asked.

"Alex." I said. "We got in late."

She nodded and looked at me again. "James..." she said, with a vague warning tone in her voice.

"Mum, there was this fight and it was just easiest-" she held her hand up to stop me and I took the hint and shut up.

"I just want you to remember," she said, very calmly and very clearly. I waited for the bomb to drop. "-that your room shares a wall with your sister's." She raised her eyebrows at me and I stared at her.

That was it? Seriously? I had expected a whoooole lot worse.

There was a thud and suddenly my bedroom door was flung open, and Alex, pulling on a shoe and with his shirt on back to front, was revealed mid flight.

He froze when he saw us, looked between us mutely, mouth open. He let his foot drop back to the ground.

"Alex." My mum said, holding out her hand, ignoring her state of undress and Alex's rather accomplished impression of a rabbit caught in headlights. "Nice to meet you properly at last."

Alex straightened jerkily and shook her hand, managed something polite to the same effect.

"You boys going out today?" she asked.

I looked at Alex and he looked at me and then we both shrugged.

"Right." Mum said pleasantly, then shook her head and headed down the hall.

"Are- are you going?" I asked Alex. I was kind of surprised.

"She knocked on the door and I thought she was going to freak," Alex hissed. "I kinda just threw my clothes on in preparation for getting tossed out of your house. James, I'm not even awake yet!"

"Your shirt's on back to front."

"It is? Oh," I pushed him back into my room and shut the door, then pulled Alex's shirt over his head. His hair wonderfully mussed.

I wanted to muss it more.

"Sleep ok?" I asked, but I hesitated with his shirt in my hands. I kind of liked having him shirtless. He had really nice, soft white skin. I wanted to touch him again.

"Yeah," he agreed with a frown. He was all pouty. "Until your mum scared the living cr-"

"Hey," I interrupted, pushed him so he stepped back, until he stepped back against my wardrobe with a soft thud. I stood almost flush against him, basically pinning him there.

"What-" he started, but then he stopped talking. He looked a little startled. I waited for the inevitable comment. Instead he just blinked at me.

"Alex?" I asked, smiling at him. Normally it didn't take this much to provoke him. I trailed the tip of my finger down his chin and then down his throat and over his chest and stomach... right the way to his jeans. He shivered slightly. His eyes were really wide again. "Aren't you going to say something?" He stared at me for a moment and then his eyes narrowed.

The pink tip of his tongue moistened his lips.

"Either kiss me or fuck off," he said softly with a certain menace. His voice was all gravelly and his eyes were all dark. He was so adorable I wanted to just eat him. I grinned.

And took the first option, of course.

We mooched around the house for a while, but after mum caught us making out for the second time we decided to go to Uni and do some study in the library.

I was probably still going to get a lecture when I got home anyway.

The library was quiet. Much better than at exam time when suddenly every chair and table was filled.

"Need any books?" I asked. Al shook his head, so I lead the way to the group of tables by the windows on the second floor we normally used. We sat down and pulled out the notes and books we'd come prepared with, and, feet touching under the table, got to work.

Well, I did.

Alex seemed more interested in examining his stationary, and fidgeting than anything else. He finally seemed to settle, but when I looked up I realised he was watching me, and not reading or writing anything at all.

"Ok?" I asked.

He nodded, reluctantly picking up a pen, and bent his head. I was pretty sure he wasn't studying.

I sighed and stood up. "Need a book. Help me find it?" Not as lame as you might think. The library's collection of books had outgrown the space available, so with the shelves they kept adding to accommodate the additions the arrangement got more and more confusing and less and less logical every year.

He nodded and rose as well.

We left our stuff (hey, there were plenty of other tables people could pick- and it's not like we were carrying anything valuable) and headed down the rows of books.

"What's wrong?" I asked straight out.

Alex blinked. "Nothing." He said defensively.

"Yes, there is." I argued. He gave me a hard look, his jaw set.

"No, there's not." He said icily.

"Fine." I said, and started browsing the shelf. If Alex had bothered to look around he'd have known it was a sham since I wasn't studying anything to do with Chinese foreign policy.

"How come you didn't crack it at Tim?" He suddenly demanded. "How come you yelled at me and not him?"

"Because Tim's a dick and everyone knows it. You, however, are my boyfriend." I looked back at Alex. He was leaning against a shelf, frowning at the ground. "Besides," I said, wondering whether I should be feeling annoyed or worried. "I came back, right?" I glanced at Al again, but he wasn't looking up still. I sighed and pulled a book out at random.

His voice broke the silence suddenly. "Do you love me?"

The book tumbled from my hand and I stared at him. He was flushed and worried looking. His eyes flickered down again and his shoulders were hunched.

"We only just started going out." I said reflexively, more than a little defensive.

Alex looked at his feet, nodded mutely.

I bent down and picked up the book, shoved it back randomly into a shelf. When I looked back up Alex was walking away.

"Alex!" I ran the few steps after him and grabbed his shoulder.

"Why are you even going out with me?" he demanded, finally meeting my gaze. Tears brimmed in his eyes.

"Because, idiot," I wrapped my arms around him tightly so he couldn't turn and run again. "There's something there. I don't know if it's love. I've never done this before... but it could be. Why do you keep running away?"

Alex looked determinedly at my shoulder.

"Babe," I said gently, and simply pulled him into my arms.

Alex held me back. But I would have felt better if he'd held onto me tighter.

"Come back to my place?" He whispered softly.

Back to his place? I looked at him. He looked edgy. Hungry.

I hesitated. Ok. So the sex thing was obviously turning out to be a big deal. Not that I didn't want it... but... Alex. Alex seemed to need.

"Ok." I agreed, letting out a breath and feeling my insides all wind together.

Alex looked a little softer, a little more collected.

He pulled my hand.

"Let's go."

Alex:

James' body was wonderfully solid and warm against mine. I stroked my fingers down the line of his spine. I wanted him now.

His hand stroked me gently, his mouth hardly leaving mine.

"James," I needed to say more, but words were eluding me.

James grinned at me and straddled my waist on his knees. My dick slid in the heat between his cheeks.

"What the fuck?" I demanded hoarsely. "I thought you were supposed to be the top..."

"But I am on top," James said. Prick was teasing me.

"You fucking know wh-what I-"

"Did you just stammer?" James interrupted me.

"Fuck you!" How many years had it been since I'd stammered? Obviously being pinned underneath my naked boyfriend after having been tortured by his hands and mouth until I was desperate for relief made me forget how to speak properly again.

James laughed softly and shifted. Now he was between my legs. Right where I wanted him.

His fingers drifted lower but he hesitated. This was something I hadn't really thought about. I hadn't wanted James to be with anyone else, but I really hadn't thought about him still being a virgin when he got to me.

"Well?" I asked. James brushed his nose along mine.

"What, just like..." He hesitated. He hadn't hesitated before.

"You're not going to hurt me just by touching me. Just use some lube before you start with your fingers or I will kick you out of the house without any of your clothes."




Loving James Ch. 04



"Bet your mum would like finding your new boyfriend naked on her front step." James murmured, but his fingers were slipping lower.

The pads of his fingers brushed my hole and he slid them along my skin towards my back. I figured I'd let him do that once more before I told him to stop teasing me already.

He did it once more. And again. I hit him. Not hard, just with the heel of my hand against his shoulder.

"Ow." James actually sounded surprised.

"No teasing." I told him. I wanted him so bad.

He had the guts to grin at me. "But I like teasing you." He responded softly, and lightly brushed his fingers over me again.

"James!" I groaned. I wanted to hit him again, but he'd probably just tease me more. "Your finger. Now." There was a long moment where time stood still. It seemed to take forever before his finger was back, and lubed. "James..." I repeated.

"Ok." He sounded slightly breathless. The tip of his finger sank into me. We both groaned. I think I trembled. "You're really tight." James whispered, but he sounded hesitant and not excited.

"It's fine, more," I demanded. "Now."

"I'm not going to hurt you?"

"Did I hurt you? 'Cause I was being considerably less considerate than you are." Shouldn't have chosen such long words, fairly sure I got them wrong. Anyway, James shot me a grin and his finger pushed inside me.

I held tight around his neck and pulled him to kiss me. He wriggled his finger inside me, drew it out again and slid it back in.

"Two. Two, use two." I whispered.

James breathing had picked up. He carefully eased two fingers inside me. I clutched his shoulders tighter. "James, if you just- just find- if you curl- your finger-" Luckily he didn't make me try and talk anymore, just started very very carefully moving his fingers inside me...

I found myself arching off the bed, catching my breath as the nerves in my whole body danced. "God, fuck," I hissed.

"There?" James whispered.

"Uh huh. Yeah. Uh huh. James..." he did it again and this time I got caught without any air in my lungs. Didn't actually care. "Please." I found myself begging him; I was so far gone it wasn't even funny.

James did it again.

"Mmmm," my hips arched towards his hands. I couldn't help it anymore.

"Alex," James whispered. I was getting too close. I wondered if I shouldn't just ask him to fuck me now. What was I waiting for? Now was good, right?

His two slick fingers slid slowly out of me again.

"God, James," I whispered as he pushed them back in. No. I needed him to want it too. Not just me. Had to make him wait. More. "Ok. Ok, three. Three, James."

"Ok." James repeated, sounding more breathless than me.

I hissed and breathed through the sting. It helped stave off my orgasm, at any rate.

"This is insane," he whispered suddenly. "You're so ti-"

"Shh," I told him. "Just keep- slow... uh..."

James kissed my face but I was too distracted to kiss him back. His fingers made me full. I wanted full in another way.

"So hot." He whispered. His voice was rough and made me all shivery and silly. God, I needed him.

"Ok," I gasped. Giving in. "James, I want it now."

"You're sure?" he asked softly. "Maybe we should wait a-"

"Yes. Waited long enough. Now. Please?" I wasn't supposed to be begging him... he was supposed to want me! "James..."

James hesitated again, and in the silence the sound of my mum's car...

WHAT???

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

"FUCK!"

"What?" James asks.

"That's mum! But it's only six, what the fuck?"

We both lay frozen, James' fingers still inside me, both listening carefully.

"Fuck fuck fuck!" I swore, pushing James off me and scrambling for my clothes. James did the same. "What the hell is she doing here? She's not supposed to be home until eight!"

"It's fine," James said firmly, sounding frustratingly calm.

"No, it's not fine!" I glared at him, yanking my jumper over my head.

"It could be worse. There'll be more opportunities." He said. How could he be so bloody reasonable? Wasn't he as desperate for this as I was?

Shit. Apparently not.

I glared at him harder and finished getting dressed. I was probably red and we definitely both smelt like sex, but if we didn't go downstairs to say hi to mum she'd be up here knocking on my door before we knew it. I opened the door as James was still buckling his belt, and marched out.

"What are you doing home?" I asked mum.

"Hm? The speaker was sick so they cancelled the whole launch and sent us all home. Why? What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" I frowned at her. "Just..."

James appeared behind me. "Hi Ms. Ferguson." He said. Why was he being so friendly to her?

"Hi James!" She said, smiling back. She really liked James. Which was at least one good thing out of this train wreck of an afternoon. "How are you?"

"Good, you?"

"Oh, you know." Mum kept smiling at him. "Staying for dinner?"

"I'd sort of planned on taking Alex out, actually." Well that was news to me. "If we go now we can get in without a reservation."

"Oh, lovely." Mum said.

James grinned at me.

I glared back and muttered something about going to get dressed and stomped back upstairs. I really only gave a nod in the direction of changing. I swapped jumpers and that was about it. I didn't know if we were actually going anywhere or not and I was almost beyond caring.

When I came back downstairs James and mum were all chummy, so I stuck a smile on my face and waited to see what would happen.

"So where are you off to?" Mum asked.

"It's a really nice Indian place near home," James said with a shrug, getting up. Mum followed us into the front hallway as James told her more about it.

"Have a nice night, then." She said, squeezing my shoulder.

We got in James' car and he started driving. I wasn't sure if we were going to his house or actually going out so I didn't say anything. I was feeling way too peeved to even open my mouth. This whole evening was a write off.

James broke the silence after a while. "Hope you don't mind me whisking you away like this."

"No." I tried for unconcerned, but I sounded sullen, even to myself.

We fell back into silence.

"Alright." James finally said with a sigh. "So where do you want to go?"

"What? I didn't say anything."

"That's the point. I didn't think you liked Indian food. I just remembered."

"Of course I like Indian." I was lying through my teeth.

"Really?" James asked, sounding surprised. I glared at him. "Ok." He said, sounding slightly confused and slightly suspicious. "I didn't think you liked spicy food, though."

Shit. "What, they're mutually exclusive? If it's Indian it has to be spicy?"

"Well, no. I guess not." James sounded dubious, but he didn't say more. Relief. For all I knew, it could have been. He sighed. Oh, this was sooo not going to be a good evening. "Ok. Well. Did you want to see a movie instead?" he asked after a silence.

"Sure." I said. I looked out the window.

"Ok." James said. He sounded slightly uncertain. "Well. there's that new one everyone's telling us to see. Beyond Zion 3000, or something. That's supposed to be really amazing."



"Yeah. Sounds good." I said. I tried to sound certain and bright, but I think I sounded sarcastic instead.

James was quiet for a moment. "We don't have to go."

"No, no, let's go. You want to go and so do I." I crossed my arms over my chest, but I couldn't speak. What the fuck was I supposed to tell him?

James:

I drove on for a while before I could say anything more.

Alex said nothing, just kept staring out the window with his jaw clenched.

It was becoming more and more apparent to me that he did not want to. Why the hell was he telling me he did?

"Alex..." I looked at him. We hadn't been the movies on our own before, but I wasn't sure why this was a problem. The last time we would have gone would have been with a group of friends, probably a few months ago. We'd seen something so rubbish I couldn't even remember what it was. The one before had been rubbish too- an alien flick that had been so ridiculous we'd had to laugh. Alex hadn't been there though, I suddenly remembered. He'd said he didn't like aliens...

Was that why he didn't want to see this one? Granted, they weren't tentacled aliens or slimy green aliens, but it was still set on a foreign planet, which I guess made them aliens by default...

Then why didn't he just tell me he didn't want to see it? For that matter, why hadn't he told me he didn't want to go to the Indian place either? Why was he acting like this?

Alex:

He didn't believe me, I could tell. I'd told him I wanted to see the damn movie, which was a lie, but it looked like he knew it.

I frowned at the window. Why couldn't things be easy?

James glanced at me and then turned his eyes back to the road and thought for a moment. "Why are you being so agreeable?" He asked softly.

"I'm not being agreeable!" I shot back.

"You're being a doormat."

"I am fucking not!"

James was silent, then suddenly snorted and started to laugh. "Yeah, that's certainly one thing you are not." He said firmly, still laughing.

Suddenly I was claustrophobic. I couldn't breathe. I had to get out. "Stop the car." I demanded.

"What?" James sounded surprised.

"Stop the car! Just fucking stop!"

James swerved over to the curb suddenly, braking hard.

"Alex, what's-?" I fumbled with the seat belt and got out before he could stop me, slammed the door hard behind me.

James got out behind me, I could hear him coming.

"Alex, what's wrong?"

I couldn't answer. What the fuck could I say?

"Stop walking away from me- What are you doing?"

I spun back around. We were both standing on the grass next to his car, facing off in the dark. "I'm trying, ok? So just tell me what you want, because I don't know!"

"What do you mean, what I want?" James sounded mystified. Like he really didn't get it?

"What you want from me! I don't know, I'm trying and you're laughing at me! You always end up laughing at me!"

James stood only a meter away from me, but it felt further. "I- because you were-" he stopped, looking confused again.

"What? What, it's funny for me to try and be agreeable?"

"But you weren't, you were just sulking! Alex, maybe you could learn to laugh at yourself for once! What's wrong? What's going on?"

"Why do you care?"

"Because I'm your boyfriend and you've been acting weird." James was starting to sound cross.

I stared at him, standing in front of me with his arms crossed, looking grim.

"Why?" I asked faintly. "Why are you going out with me?"

His anger sort of dissolved. His arms dropped to his sides. "What, are you serious? What do you mean?"

"I mean, today when mum came home and interrupted, you weren't even bothered, like it was no big deal. And at the party- the first thing that happened and you totally freaked out. You basically broke up with me. I know I say stuff I shouldn't but I'm trying. But I don't know what you want or what you think or how you feel. You laughed before, as well, that morning. Like I'm ridiculous. So do you want this or is this just enough for now? Is this just something that happened that's convenient for you?"

James spluttered. "Of course I want this!"

"Why? Why are you with me?" My eyes were burning but I couldn't wipe them in front of him, I couldn't. "You never wanted me before so how do I know this is for real? Maybe you're just keeping me around for sex or something..."

James stepped forward and I looked at my feet. Why was I always so afraid of everything? Why couldn't I be strong like James? Why the fuck did he have to laugh at me???

"Do you really think that?" James asked, sounding a bit more like himself. He was really close to me, reached out and put his hands on my arms "I mean, if I was sticking around for sex, I really think I'd have been hoping for more of it than-"

"Fuck you!" I managed, pulling away from him. I could hardly see him because my eyes were all watery.

"Alex," his tone was softer, more gentle. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have joked. Not the right time. Obviously." He hesitated and then he stepped closer and put his hands on my hips. I didn't shrug him off this time.

"Alex. I'm going out with you because I want to. Because I like being with you and I can't imagine not being with you. And I'm sorry I freaked out at the party, but I didn't realise... and I was upset. And this is all really new to me. I know I reacted badly. The thing is, I know you say things that are sometimes... a bit inappropriate, but that doesn't mean I want you to stop. I like the fact you say whatever you like. I can't handle it when you don't because you're not being honest then and then I don't know what to think. Alex. There is nothing ridiculous about you, but sometimes, like before, if you say something that's clearly wrong or something silly then I can't help but laugh. But I don't mean to laugh at you. And today? It's not that I wasn't bothered that we got interrupted... I'm just still kind of nervous, that's all. It's still a big deal for me. And I wasn't sure it was... right, you know? You thought I didn't want to?"

I looked up at him. Somehow when he was babbling his arms had moved around me and now he was holding me against him. He was really close. I didn't dare answer.

"Babe." James said on a breath, touching his nose to mine. "I do. I really, really do. I can't even begin to tell you how much. But it was ok, because I don't plan on going anywhere. We will get to do it and I really really really do want to. Right?" I found myself nodding, looking up at him. James nodded as well, looking at me. He looked solemn but not serious anymore. "You don't need to try, Alex. You don't need to do any more than just relax and enjoy things. You need to trust me a little. I like you, I really really do. I'm dating you because I want you. Want to. I mean."

James looked slightly surprised at himself. A breathless sort of giggle escaped me before I could help it. At least he smiled back.

"Not that I don't want you too." He added, still smiling, and brushed his lips against mine. "Because I certainly do."

I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck.

I was in love with him. It was why I was so afraid that he didn't want me or didn't want to date me. And I couldn't even tell him.

"I don't like fighting with you." I said instead of telling him what my heart was crying out for me to say.

James laughed, his breath a warm rush against my cheek. "Liar." He said. "You love it." I smiled briefly.

"Not like this." My voice had gone all stupid and wavery.

"No." He agreed more seriously, resting his cheek against mine. "Not like this."

Neither of us said anything. I never wanted him to stop holding me. I never wanted this to end, but I couldn't even tell him I loved him. It was far, far too soon.

"I just thought of something else." James added. I nodded against his neck. "Alex... don't get upset, because that's not how I mean it..." I found myself getting tense and pulling away slightly anyway. James was smiling at me, kind of seriously, if that makes any sense at all. "But there isn't much convenient about dating you." I blinked at him and James' smile grew wider. "That's half the fun."

I glared at him. Fucking prick.

I mean, I knew he wasn't like really being mean, but all the same...

James started looking awkward, so I had to say something. I couldn't handle not talking to him, and I didn't want things to get any worse.

"I didn't mean-" James began with a grimace.

"Shut up." I interrupted him. "Just shut up and kiss me."

James managed a grin before I grabbed him and kissed him.

It was hungry and sloppy. I wanted him. And fucking now.

I poked him instead. "You're a mean boyfriend." I told him.

James laughed and actually seemed happy.

"You love it." He told me.

I stuck my tongue out rather than tell him how right he was.

Rather than tell him how I felt.

My chest hurt.

I kissed him again.

Alex:

I guess running upstairs as soon as I got home wasn't exactly normal. Even if we'd sat outside in James' car and made out a little. It had felt... weird. Something was wrong.

Sal let me storm around for a while before she came up.

I was sitting at my desk, as if having all my books out in front of me would convince her I was studying.

She never would have fallen for it anyway.

Sal sat down on the end of my bed.

"Want to talk?" she asked.

"No." I said, with as much certainty as I could muster.

But my voice didn't really obey me. In fact, it sounded wobbly as all hell.

Sal didn't say anything and I shut my eyes.

"Ok. So... James and I had this fight. We keep... it's like... I don't know why he's dating me. We only started dating after he found out how I felt. And then he says I don't trust him."

"Do you?"

"Yes. Not like- but... he thinks I think he'll leave me. But he will. I mean, why are we even going out?"

"You think he's just going out with you because you're a friend?"

"It's just- how could he go from just being my friend and never having wanted me, to this? And this fast? And everything's so bad, it's like... it's like it's a joke."

"You really think James would mess with you like that?"

"No. I don't know."

"Al." Sal grabbed the back of my chair and swivelled it so I faced her where she was still perched on the end of my bed. "You've known James for years. And you've talked about him a lot. And I don't think I've ever heard you say a bad thing about him. And I've known James for a long time too. Not as well as you know him. But I think he's a pretty honest, straight-forward sort of a guy."

I couldn't look at her. She was right. But all the same... "It doesn't mean he likes me that way..."

"No." Sal answered slowly. "But look at it this way, Al. He stuck with you that first week of high school, didn't he? When you didn't know anyone else. And he always rang when you weren't at school to see if you were sick. And that time you broke your arm at the park? James was the one who brought you home. And then he brought you your homework every day for a week and helped write it all out for you. James is always the one who-"

I rolled my eyes. "We were like fourteen; it wasn't like it was important homework or anything."

"Alex..." Sal gave me a hard look and a smile. "You're missing the point."

"What point?" I shot at her. I was getting all teary and I hated it. It didn't matter that she'd seen me cry before, and not so long ago. It was still just crappy that I couldn't get a handle on myself.

"He's always been there. He's always been looking out for you."

"No, that's just him being friendly. That's just how he is. He's like that with everyone..."

"You sure?" Sal asked me archly.

I stared at her. How was I supposed to know?

"I didn't really want to go into it... but he's been a really good friend to you. You know you're not the easiest person to get along with,"

"Gee, thanks," I said sarcastically, but both of us knew she was right.

"- but he doesn't care. He knows you, Alex. And it seems to me," She said firmly. "That maybe he just needed someone to point out the obvious to him."

I glared at her a little, but she was watching me a with a smile and then she leant forward and hugged me.

"So why does he think you don't trust him?"

"Because he's... he could do way better than me. He'd never even thought about me like this until that stupid party... and now... it's like it's easy for him. Not like because he wants it."

"It doesn't sound easy from what you've said." Sal said. I frowned at her. Trust Sal to point out the obvious. "Alex. I think you need to have a bit more confidence in yourself. James is not the sort of guy to date someone if it's not right. He's not with you because it's easy."




Loving James Ch. 04



"He said that." I said sourly. How could I forget?

"He likes you the way you are, Alex. All you have to do is believe him."

"How? It's like- a massive joke. I just keep expecting it to go wrong. It's like... I don't know... why do I deserve this? It's like someone fucked up and we're together instead of him and like the boy of his dreams..."

Sal sighed and I wiped my eyes quickly. I hate crying. I hate it.

"Alex." She hugged me again and this time I may have hugged her back a little. "You should tell him."

"What?" I jerked back from her. Was she insane?

"Just tell him how hard it is to believe you've got what you wanted and tell him that you can't just trust it's all going to work out yet, and ask him to be patient. And in the mean time, have some faith."

"Faith?" I glared at her. As if having faith had anything to do with anything!

Sal shook her head. She picked up my phone from the floor and handed it to me.

"Call him." She suggested. But it was that parental voice that really suggests that it's not a suggestion at all. "Ask him over, on a date, whatever. Alex- if you're worried, do something other than sit here and freak out. Ok?"

I hated it when she made sense.

I glared at her and took the phone, but I waited until she'd gone downstairs again.

Even then, I turned the phone over and over in my hands.

I wasn't sure I could do this. What if he didn't answer? What if we had nothing to say? What if we fought more?

I finally hit dial, and held my breath to hold down the nausea in my chest as the phone rang.

"Hey Alex," James sounded happy to hear from me when he answered his phone. Something lightened inside me.

"Hi." I said stupidly. I sounded like an idiot. I shouldn't have called. "Um. So... I was thinking... if you did really want to see that movie... we could probably go. I mean, I could try and..." Shit- what was I doing? I didn't want to sit through it! "I mean, otherwise we could go and see something else. I don't know what's on, though. Was there something else?" Rambling. I rested my forehead on my desk. At least I could kick myself without him seeing over the phone.

James gave a bit of a laugh. "You know, I was just looking up the movies in the paper. But you know... maybe we could hire something and make popcorn and just curl up at home and watch something."

I hesitated. There were advantages to this plan. Blankets, for instance. Good things could happen under blankets.

"Um," I said blankly.

"No?" James asked.

"No- not no. I mean, no, it sounds good!" Idiot! What was wrong with me? "So uh... you wanna come over?"

"Now?" James sounded surprised.

"Not if you don't want to. But I guess... you could stay over if you want."

James paused. "I'd like that. But- is that ok? With you?"

I let out a breath. "Seriously? Would I ask if it wasn't?"

James laughed a little. "I don't know." He said, but he actually sounded puzzled. "Cool. Well, I'll bring some food. I'll be there in a bit, 'k?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, see you soon."

After he hung up I sat there in disbelief for a moment, then ran around my room and tried to make it look clean. And then I ran to get through the shower before he arrived. He was staying over! Who knew where that would lead?

The doorbell rang as I was throwing on my clothes. I tore downstairs and nearly broke something, and threw open the door.

"Hi." James said, smiling. I let him in, and he shut the door and then looked at me. He had that warm look. I don't know how to describe it, but we ended up making out in the hallway. That sort of a look.

Until Sal cleared her throat. "Do I need to get the hose?" she asked pointedly.

"Sal!" What the hell is it about parents? Or stand-in parents, as the case may be? I mean, do they seriously have to say that shit? Are they trying to kill us with embarrassment?

James just gave a half laugh and grabbed my hand.

"We'll be good, promise." He told her, grinning, and then pulled me in the direction of the stairs. I'm sure Sal watched us go up.

And I'm also pretty sure that she was smiling as we went. Which was a good thing. Since it made me pretty sure she wasn't too serious about behaving after all.

"Movie?" James asked me as soon as I shut my bedroom door.

"Seriously?" I asked him. Was there something wrong with me? Or did he just not want sex? Or anything at all?

I must have sounded pissed off. He looked at me, and smiled.

"Yeah." He agreed. "With the volume up. To drown out... you know. Anything else."

Now that was more like it.

James fixed the movie on my computer. I perched on the edge of my bed and watched him as he took his shoes off. I was already in my pyjamas... and James looked me over quickly before pulling a pair of boxers out of his backpack and taking his jeans and underwear off all at once... and quickly pulling his boxers on.

Then he caught me pouting and laughed at me.

He kissed me, holding my head in one of his hands... I didn't want him to pull away.

"Bed?" he asked softly.

"Yeah." I breathed.

Finally. Finally.

We got in and pulled the covers up so we were mostly covered, leaning back on my pillows so we were half propped up.

It suddenly felt weird. Like actually being boyfriends. I think I would have frozen up, but James didn't seem to notice. He just fitted himself next to me, then turned to me and started stroking his fingers through my hair. He smiled at me, close, and moved forward to kiss me.

I opened my mouth and let him kiss me, let him wrap around me. Fuck, this was good. Better than it should have been, considering it was only making out.

"Can I do this?" James murmured against my skin.

"What?" I whispered back. I was almost afraid of speaking too loudly.

"Sort of... take over." James answered softly. "I want to... touch you all over. Explore you. Can I do it? I want to go slow and learn you."

"Did you just say 'learn' me?" I demanded. The anxiety was fizzy and sharp under my skin.

"Well, yeah." James admitted, but he gave me a crooked smile too.

"You mean... you don't want to fuck me?" The words tumbled out of me.

"I do." He answered after a small pause. "But I guess... I want... it still feels new, you know? So I guess I just want to... mess around a bit. Is that ok?"

I hesitated. Ok. So this meant what? He didn't want to fuck me? He had no real plans to stick around at all, and not fucking me meant he wouldn't feel so bad about buggering off? He didn't want to fuck me yet? He wanted to know how I liked it? Couldn't I just tell him?

"What I mean is that there's more to us than sex, right? And I want it to be right."

I looked back at him, and his fingertips trailed over my stomach. My muscles flinched. Fuck, I wanted this anyway.

"Ok, fine." I answered. "As long as I fucking come."

James gave a soft chuckle and kissed me.

"Damn straight." He agreed, smiling. His fingertips were still on my stomach, slowly getting lower, finally nudging the waist of my pyjama pants.

I half held my breath and his fingers moved under the flannelette, brushed through my pubic hair. I let my eyes close as his hand finally closed around my dick.

"You know how hot that is?" James suddenly murmured.

"What?" I shot back, forcing myself to breathe. I looked at him, and James kissed me, demanded I let his tongue into my mouth.

"The way you get all tensed up."

"Shut up," I told him. It wasn't very convincing though. Especially as it became a groan half way through, when he started running circles around my cockhead with his fingers. I was damp, leaking pre-cum already. God, I wanted this so badly.

"Huh." James breathed, and I grabbed him and brought him close for another kiss. Fuck, who was I kidding? This was definitely not worthy of complaining about.

I pulled my pyjama top off and chucked it somewhere on the floor. James made a soft murmuring noise and nuzzled my neck, his hand changing to a firmer grip around me.

"Ah, yes," I hissed.

"Like that?" James whispered back, his tongue dancing over my skin.

"Uh huh. Mmm..." I reached to touch him. Fuck, this was good. Better than I'd thought it would be.

James slowly fisted me, his other hand resting on my chest, thumb rubbing my nipple. My hands were in his hair, holding him close, and my hips were moving.

It was slow and it was fucking torture... but at the same time I never wanted it to stop.

"James," I mumbled, feeling completely bereft as his hand moved away from my dick. "James, please..." He made a soft, satisfied noise, cupping my balls. "Fuck..."

He moved half onto me and starting kissing me hungrily again. His skin was hot and soft against mine. I really really liked that. I really really wanted more of it.

I struggled to get my pyjama pants off. James realised what I was doing and helped, then grinned at me.

"What?" I demanded. James only smiled wider and began sliding down the bed, lifting the covers as he went so he disappeared under them. "Ohhh, fuck," I said aloud, resting back on the pillows. I felt stiff and jerky, waiting for James' first touch.

His tongue. He licked me. "James," I said, probably too loudly. Whatever. "Ohh, yessss," I sucked in a breath, and squeezed my eyes shut as the heat of his mouth closed around me.

This was heaven. I mean, God, Angels -- whatever. This was kind of how I'd like to spend eternity. Oh yes.

James sucked me and began to bob, but he did it all so slow. I didn't know if he was teasing me or if he was just taking his time and doing his 'learning' thing but it was seriously more than I could take.

"You're teasing me," I growled (whined. Something.), sliding my fingers into his hair. He laughed softly and then let my cock fall out of his mouth.

"No, no," I gasped. I didn't mean for him to stop!

James laughed softly again, and then his tongue was licking my balls.

I groaned.

And there was a finger. He was rubbing my hole with it, teasing me. I don't like being teased. I hated it. But I was damn sure James wasn't going to be listening to me right then so I bit my tongue and ... it did feel really good.

I was moving, writhing between his mouth on my balls and his finger against my butt. Neither of them was really giving me what I wanted, but it was good, it was driving me crazy. And I wanted more.

"James. Please..."

James ignored me. I'd been pretty sure he would. But I still wanted more and I tried to pull his head back up to my cock.

I was surprised and relieved when it worked, let James get back to sucking me and let my head fall back. His mouth was hot and wet, but most of all- it was his.

The familiar tightening sensation told me I was getting closer to coming, but James pulled off before I got so close that I thought he'd done it on purpose. He slid back up my body, smiling at me. He was glowing, pink. His mouth was dark and moist and fucking hot.

I pulled him close to kiss me and he made a soft groan in his chest, pressing his body tighter against mine. I liked the feel of his cock against mine and ground against him. James' fingers dug into my butt and he kissed me harder.

"Alex," he hissed, and it made me all warm in my chest.

"Uh huh," I murmured back to him, kissing him again and trying to grind against him harder. "Ugh- James, I'm-" I lost my train of thought as his fingers slid into my crack again. "Please," I didn't mean to beg him, but I was desperate. Needed.

James smiled at me. He looked hungry and flushed, nowhere near his normal calm self.

I tried to pull him closer. James pulled away, grinning at me again and sliding back down my body.

"Oh god oh god," I held by breath and then his mouth was trailing down my stomach and I had to gasp for air again. I had object to this why? "James..."

He rumbled in his chest as he mouthed my balls and my head tipped back.

"James- James..." I was getting closer and closer and closer...

And then he was pushing a finger into me.

"AH- ah..." closer than ever. "James... ungh..."

He moved back and sucked my cock back into his mouth as he pushed his finger deeper into me. I wasn't sure which action I wanted to encourage more. I got stuck in the middle instead.

I don't think James noticed. He just started moving his finger as he sucked me, started touching that spot inside me and making me see sparks.

"James- James I'm going- I'm-" And then the white hot overtook me and I was arching against him... I came in his mouth, his finger inside me and my balls cradled in his hand. God, and what an orgasm.

"Uhhh," I groaned. Drained. Exhausted. Completely satisfied. I'd had sex before... I'd messed around before... but not like this. What the hell had this even been? I just wanted more.

James laughed softly. I expected cuddles, kissing. James seemed to like that. But he was sitting up where he was kneeling between my legs, his boxers gone, somewhere down the bottom of my bed (who knew) and stroking himself.

My mouth went dry. I watched the flushed head of his dick vanish into his palm and reappear as he stroked himself, languidly at first and then faster.

"Uh," He groaned, tipping his head back. Did he want me to suck him off? My butt? What was he doing here?

He looked down at me and smiled then, leant forward over me and claimed my mouth.

"All good?" he asked me.

"Uh huh," I murmured back. He hesitated then. I mean, speaking, he did. But he was still jerking himself over me. I reached and stroked my hands down his body.

"Remember the other day? When you came on me? That was incredibly fucking hot." He finally blurted. I wasn't sure if I imagined it or if he was pinker than before.

"Come on me, babe," I told him, stroking my hands back up his chest to his nipples, speaking softly and close to his ear. "You wanna mark me? Make me yours? Come on, James. Come. Get it all over me."

James gave a noise that was slightly unsteady.

"Then I'm gonna make you lick it up. Your cum and my cum, all together. All of it. You like the sound of that?" I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to say or not, but James seemed to like it. He ducked his head and came with a rough groan, his cum splashing onto me, hot and sticky.

I pulled him to me for a kiss, felt the rapid rise and fall of his chest against mine.

"Fuck, Alex..." he whispered. I grinned at him.

"You didn't want to." I told him cheekily, and reached down to find his softening prick. "Aw. Maybe next time."

James shot me a flat look and I laughed, moving closer to his warmth.

How lucky could a guy get?



Loving James Ch. 05



Alex:

"Hey. Who's that with Blake?" James asked me, passing me the last of the popcorn.

"Don't care." I pointed out.

"No, seriously. I mean with Tim Blake."

What? I turned around and looked around for Tim. He was sucking face with some kid in the corner.

"I think I know him." James sounded uncertain.

"No, you don't." I told him. Neither of us was having anything to do with the prick or the nervous kid he was with.

"Yeah, we do." James was still looking at them. I glared at him and then took another look. "He was in school with us. What, the year level younger?"

"Oh." I looked at him. I recognised him vaguely. He'd been one of those really sheltered kids. He and Blake were talking now. And he was grinning. "He got rid of those glasses. Which is a good thing. He was never going to get a boyfriend otherwise."

James gave a half laugh. "You have glasses." He pointed out.

"Well, I don't wear them in public!"

"What the hell is he doing with Blake?" James mused.

"James! Who cares? We're supposed to be-" I glanced over and stopped midsentence. The kid had a look on his face I recognised. He looked half in love and half terrified. Blake was going to eat him alive. "Ah, shit."

James gave me a look.

"This was supposed to be our evening." I told him crossly.

"And it totally will be." James looked around, feeling in his pockets. "I'll go and see if I can talk to Henry. Harry? Harry. I'll just signal him or whatever, alright? Dammit, where's my phone? Ugh, just wait here and I'll be back. Alright? You don't even need to speak to either one of them."

"Henry." I told him. James just grinned. Now he knew I remembered more than I'd said I did. "Fine." I growled.

"No worries, back in a tick." James told me, and kissed my lips briefly, then moved off in amongst the crowd of movie goers, still patting his pockets.

I sighed and moved near the doors so he'd see me when he came back.

When I looked around I couldn't see Henry or Tim anymore. "Fuck." I muttered. I wanted us to go for ice cream like we'd planned, and then I wanted us home in bed. And instead James had to run off and look after someone else.

"Hey there, Lexie boy." A voice suddenly came past my shoulder. Blake had that fucking smirk on his face. He leant against the wall next to me. I did not want to talk to him!

"Cut the crap, Tim. What the hell are you doing with that boy?" I crossed my arms over my chest.

"With Henry? Why? He's cute."

"He's not even your type!"

"What? Not like you, you mean?" Tim laughed and moved closer to me.

I hated him. Hated hated hated him. I was not going to back away.

"He's cute." Tim repeated slowly. "And what's more- he's going to be just as easy as you were."

"Do you get off on being a prick or were you just born one? "

"You're totally jealous. New boyfriend not keeping you happy?"

"Shut up!" Shit, I was blushing again. Not good! Truth was that James and I still hadn't got around to... well. To that.

Tim laughed again. "Well, Henry will be gone for a few minutes. We could duck into the toilets and fix that for you. Although... that might be a problem. I don't seem to recall you coming very often..."

"Shut up! As if I had anything-" I glared at him and shut my mouth with a snap. "That wasn't because of me!" I finally settled on saying.

"What are you going to do? Tell him I fucked you over? You're just jealous, Lexie boy."

"Maybe I will. Maybe I'll tell everyone what a shit you are."

"Nah. Don't think you will. You'd be too embarrassed for that. You'd go all red and then you'd cry. Then again, you're cute when you blush. Why don't you tell his parents instead? He'll listen to them, you know. In fact, there's his dad come to pick him up right now."

I looked around the foyer and saw a man who looked like a taller version of Henry, wearing glasses as well. He was looking around as if trying to see someone.

"Well, go on." Tim said, smiling his trademark smirk. "He already doesn't like me. I had dinner at their place the other night so right about now he's probably wondering if I haven't got Henry cornered in the bathroom or something. You should go put us all out of our misery. You know. If you're not totally too chicken."

The man suddenly looked at us and caught us looking at him.

"Fine." I said to Tim. He thought I wouldn't do it? I'd fucking do it. He thought I couldn't convince Henry's dad what a prick he was? I fucking could and I was going to.

"Hi." I said, marching right up to him. My palms were damp and I felt sick. Absolutely sick. "My name's Alex. I went to high school with Henry."

"Oh. Right. Hi." He shook my hand, giving me a slightly perplexed look.

"I know we've never met. I don't even know Henry that well. I just think you need to know about the guy over there I was talking to."

He looked around and I looked over too. Timothy gave us a little wave and a grin.

"Thing is, he's trouble. He's not good for Henry." Henry's dad was starting to look disbelieving. "I used to date him too, see? And I'm afraid he'll do to Henry what he did to me. And-"

"Excuse me?" Henry's dad interrupted. He was looking at me with a stunned expression. "My son? Is dating ... that boy? My son... is...? He's...?"

What?

Shit!

Shit shit shit!

"Uh..." Brush it off as a joke! I thought desperately- but how? I stared at his dad and his dad stared back at me.

"Uh..." I repeated. "I didn't- I mean, I'm going to-"

I turned away and saw Tim grinning, Henry walking over, smiling, totally unsuspecting.

Where the fuck was James?

Fingers closed on my shoulder.

 "You're not going anywhere."

James:

"Looking for Lexie?"

"What do you want?" I asked Tim. This guy was like a bad smell. He just kept on hanging around. He laughed.

"You're not going to find him."

I frowned at him, but he seemed to know something. I could argue with him, but then he'd probably never tell me what he knew.

"So? Where is he?" I tried not to sound interested. Not like Tim wouldn't be able to tell, anyway...

"Oh, Henry's dad's probably dropped him home by now."

"Why would Henry's dad drive him home?"

"Hmm. Let's see. It might have been after Alex outed him and Henry flipped out... I think he said he wanted to speak to Alex's parents."

I stared at Tim with a hole opening up inside my chest.

"What?"

Tim just laughed and clapped me on the shoulder.

"He's a total bitch, that boy. Why do you think I like him so much?"

____________

I drove to Alex's without thinking.

"Hi Sal." I said.

"Hi James." She said. Neither of us smiled or did the small talk thing. I was too shocked. Too furious.

"Alex home?" I asked instead. My voice sounded strange.

"Now's not a good time."

"Couldn't I-?"

"Not tonight."

"Right." I sounded obnoxious. No wonder she was giving me that look. I thought I heard voices from inside.

"Tomorrow." Sal told me shortly.

I wanted to argue, but there was pretty much nothing I could say that would make her let me in and I certainly wasn't going to force my way in.

"Ok." I said. "Fine."

I didn't feel like I had much choice but to go home.

Alex:

It had been just about the worst evening of my life. Worse than when Tim had actually dumped me. God, the look on Henry's face. He'd been trying so hard not to cry. And I'd completely frozen up- like I couldn't even apologise to him, or tell him what had happened. I'd just sat in the back seat of the car while his dad had driven in silence and Henry had kept staring ahead but not looking like he was seeing anything at all.

Henry's dad had taken him home first. He'd walked him up to the door with a hand tight on Henry's shoulder and had spoken to a woman I guessed was Henry's mum at the door. She'd pulled him inside and then his dad - god, I still didn't even know his name - had come back to the car.

I'd told him where I lived and he'd driven me home.

I hadn't stuck around. I'd run to my room and locked myself in. None of what they said reached my ears, but I could hear his voice and mum's and Sal's- and it went on for ages.

I buried my head under my pillow and held my breath. Not trying to suffocate myself. Just trying not to cry.

What the hell had I done?

James:

Alex had early classes the next day, and I'd lost my fucking phone, so I didn't go around to his house. I was going to have to wait until I saw him at Uni.

I got there late and ended up skipping classes anyway. I sat on the lawns, waiting for the rest of the crowd to show up... hoping Alex would show up.

Fuck, if I just knew which class he was in... I'd actually go in and pull him the hell out of there. I needed to talk to him.

How in hell had people survived before mobile phones? I seriously needed mine back. Now.

Andrew was the first to arrive.

"Bludger." He told me darkly and flopped onto his back. "Fuck, I hate essays. Why am I doing an arts degree again?" He asked me.

"Don't know." I answered. I sounded off. Which is probably why he looked at me again.  "Ok?" he asked.

"Lost my phone." I answered shortly.

"Huh." He said, and covered his eyes like he was going to sleep. His face was nearly back to normal. Hadn't been nearly as bad as he'd thought.

Elspeth turned up next. With, to my surprise, Henry's arm linked through her own.

"Don't tell me he's not here yet?" Elspeth said. I hadn't been able to shut my mouth yet.

"What? Who, Alex?"

"Yeah." She nodded. Henry shot me a faint smile. He looked ok. Why wasn't he red eyed and looking like he hadn't slept? Had fucking Tim lied to me?

"Not yet, no." Andrew muttered, from under the arms he had thrown over his face. "I'll know when he is though. No one disturbs the peace like that boy."

"Are you ok?" I blurted to Henry. "I thought- Tim said- Tim said..."

Henry went pink. Elspeth looked between us. "I thought you wanted to see Alex," she said to Henry.

"Yeah," he answered awkwardly. She kept looking between us, obviously expecting more. He didn't elaborate.

"Well, what happened?" She finally demanded, looking at me.

"I don't know. I only heard from Tim. But I'm not sure if the fucker was lying or not."

Henry went pinker. Dammit. I hadn't mean to insult the guy in front of him...

"Alex... kind of outed me to my dad." He finally said, words tumbling over themselves.

"He what?" Andrew yelped, sitting up suddenly. Elspeth's mouth dropped open.

"Hey guys," Sian said brightly as she arrived.

"Hey," Andrew said perfunctorily. "He fucking did what now?" he shot at Henry again. Sian stared at us all.

Henry was pretty deep red by now. "It's ok," He said, but he'd kind of hunched a bit and closed in on himself a bit.

"No, it's fucking not!" Andrew wasn't yelling now, but he was still pretty close. I just felt sick. "What the fuck did he do that for? Absolute fucking rubbish!" he swore. "What a bloody-"

Henry looked really uncomfortable.

"Andrew- do us a favour and shut up." I told him, then took Henry's arm and led him a few paces away. "Sorry about him." I said, then drew a breath. "Are you ok?"

"Actually... yeah." He gave me a small smile. "He- my dad took me home, and then drove Alex home. To speak to his parents. He was ... upset, I think. So I think he was going to take it out on Alex and possibly yell at his parents or something. But he didn't come home for ages. And then when he did, he and mum were talking in the kitchen... and then they came upstairs. And it's ok. It's- it's way better than I ever thought it would be. His parents must be awesome." Henry lowered his voice to add the last part and it made me grin.

"He lives with his mum and his aunt. His aunt's the miracle worker, I think."

"Oh. So anyway... I kind of wanted to see him... I don't really know him, so I don't like have his number or anything... but I wanted to tell him that's it's actually ok. That it's... it's not so bad."

I felt so relieved I felt like I had to sit down. "I'm really glad." I said sincerely. Henry smiled. "Can I ask? About Tim? What's...?"

"Oh." Henry sighed. "Well. It's not like I ever really thought... I mean, I guess I knew it wasn't like a big thing for him. But, you know, it was ... it was nice." He looked glum and shrugged. "Anyway. You said he told you something, so I'm guessing..." I hesitated.

"Yeah. Well, we do generally suspect the worst when it comes to Tim Blake." I told him. "He... he really hurt Alex once."

"My dad told me." He nodded, looking away shyly. "You- you're his- boyfriend, right?" Henry stumbled over the word a little. I might have thought it was cute, but I was too worried.

"Yeah." I agreed, looking back at the group. Andrew looked like he was still mouthing off, but he was muttering now, while Sian fluttered next to him, probably trying to calm him down.

Where was Alex when I wanted him?

Alex:

James was avoiding me.

I mean, I couldn't say that I hadn't expected it, but really... to not even call? Not even text? Didn't he want to yell at me or something?

And when I'd finally, finally, finally been brave enough (well, actually, pissed off enough) to call him... he hadn't even answered. Hadn't even called back.

Apparently he thought he could just pretend that we'd never been dating in the first place. And I was not going to fucking take it.

I was late for lunch, but that way I was sure James would be there when I marched out to tear him a new one. Fucker.

Except I'd nearly marched right up to them when I realised I was too late. Henry had got there first. He and James were talking, standing really close...

Idiot. I was an idiot. I should never have gone there. What had I been thinking? As if I would have solved anything going to see him! As if it would have changed anything. I'd fucked up and this was it. Too big, too bad. Too late. It was over.

Fuck.

James was touching Henry's arm. I was going to be sick.

I turned around and started walking away. What the fuck was I supposed to do now?

"Alex!" James' voice called after me. "Al, wait."

I didn't turn around, only walked faster, until his hand landed on my arm.

"Just fuck off!" I spat at him, shoving his arm away.

"Al-"

"Go on- go date another one of Tim fucking Blake's ruined ex's! Don't even bother calling! I don't fucking care! Go away!"

"Alex!" James sounded annoyed. Of course he did. And I knew I wasn't exactly helping my own cause- I just couldn't stop myself from lashing out.

"Don't touch me!" I yelled. This was totally going to draw the crowds.

"Alex," James was giving me a look. It was hard and fierce and I just knew this was the end. "Alex, just listen to me!" He said loudly, grabbing my shoulders. I waited for him to yell and shake me. I waited for him to dump my ass in the middle of the whole fucking lawn. He moved his mouth like he was trying to talk and had nothing to say.

I was going to tell him not to bother, that it didn't matter anyway, that no one had ever expected this to work anyway.

Except then he kissed me.

Hard.

Like, he held the sides of my head and didn't let me pull away, just kissed me. Or really, mashed his lips against mine, and pulled me closer against him, didn't give me any way to get away from him.

But I didn't want to.

He wasn't yelling at me. He was kissing me. He wasn't taking Henry's side. He was here... with me.

He was kissing me. In public.

I was getting all teary and I hated that- I did not want to get like this in front of everyone. But there was no way I could stop.

So... I kinda fucking bawled.

And it was embarrassing. Like, curl up in a ball and die sort of embarrassing. But James just pulled me to him and let me ruin his shirt. And somehow we were sitting on the grass, which was much less awkward, but still. I didn't fucking want to cry. Not here.

"I didn't mean to," I wailed against him. Like a fucking four year old.

"It's ok." James told me. His mouth was right by my ear.

"You didn't call! I didn't think- I thought-" The lump in my throat choked me and I had to stop. My whole chest hurt. James pressed a soft kiss to my temple.

"I lost my phone. I think in the movies. I don't know. I came by, but Sal wouldn't let me in. Henry's dad must have been there." James' hands stroked up my back and then one of his hands slid through my hair.

"God, fuck... James..." I could hardly breathe, let alone talk.

"It's ok. Henry's ok. Everything's ok." How could it be ok? I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.

"My mum. Sal. They're going to kill me." I'd got out of the house without seeing them this morning, thank god... but I'd have to face them at some point...

"It's ok," He murmured again. He was rubbing my shoulders. And it was really really good. But I'd never tell him that. "Henry's ok, see? He came here to tell you. Sal's amazing, you know that. So things are fine for him. And Tim's a shit, we always knew that. It's ok, babe..."

James was kissing my face... and even though I was still kind of crying a bit... I felt light all of a sudden.

I actually believed him.

Not just that everything was ok. I mean, that was kind of a good thing too...

But I finally actually believed he wanted to be with me.

Something inside me finally relaxed.

Finally.

Once I finished crying out my storm of emotion, James held me for a few minutes, then smiled at me.

"You ok?" he asked.

No. Maybe. I managed a nod.

"Come on," he said, and then helped me up. Well, actually he kind of hauled me to my feet, but I'm not really picky about how it happened.

Holding my hand, he took me back over to the group. I didn't really want to go... but hell, I'd already cried. How much worse could it get?

James sat down and pulled me gently. I think I was supposed to sit next to him, but what-the-fuck-ever. I sat in his lap and pulled his arms around me. He laughed softly and kissed the back of my neck.

And it felt damn good, so shut up.

Then I looked up.

Sian and Elspeth were looking like they were doing their best to talk about anything besides, and include Henry at the same time. Andrew was looking at me with narrowed eyes.

"What?" I shot at him. And yeah, I was being a bitch, but I didn't care. And I didn't think James did either.

"You skinny angry redhead. I didn't think you knew how to cry." He said pointedly.

"Shut up." I told him. Andrew just grinned and flopped onto his stomach.

"I hate essays." He said. Sian poked him and they started arguing about Arts Degrees. Again.

Henry shuffled over a little.

"Hi." He said, so it wasn't like I could avoid talking to him.

I took a breath. James squeezed me a little. "Hey. I'm- I'm really sorry about yesterday. I just- I didn't realise..."

"It's ok." Henry said with a smile and a shrug. "Like, at the time I was a bit... you know." A bit? Try massively... "But dad spoke to your mum. And your aunt. And... it's ok. At home, I mean. It's actually... it's actually really good."

James kissed the side of my face. I get that he was pleased, but he was making Henry uncomfortable, so I poked him.

"Well, you know. I do selfless things to help those around me." I said. I couldn't quite muster the right tone, but James poked me back and kissed my neck again and Henry grinned, so it was ok.

I still couldn't believe it.

How the fuck could everything seriously be ok?

James:

People started drifting back off to class, but I didn't care. I was pretty sure both of us has different places to be, but with Alex sitting in my lap, resting the side of his face against my chest, I really, really, really didn't care.

Eventually he sighed and looked up at me.




Loving James Ch. 05



I was preparing to ask him if he wanted to come home with me instead of going to classes, but he beat me.

"Want to come back to my place? Watch movies or something?" he asked. "I'm not going to class."

"I'd love to." I told him, and kissed him softly.

We were both quiet on the way back to his house. I think the crying had made him all sleepy or dopey or something, but he didn't seem pissed or angry, so I wasn't worried. I was actually totally the opposite of worried.

Somehow, everything felt really really good.

At his house we headed upstairs. Alex set his laptop up on his desk and I dumped my bag and closed the door and kicked off my shoes.

We agreed (silently, I guess) to watch the movie from his bed again, and when he cuddled right up against me it seemed like the best idea ever.

I lay with my arm around him, and drew patterns on his stomach.

I didn't think much of it. It was just something to do with my hands, a way to touch him and be closer to him. I certainly hadn't thought of it as sexual until my fingertips strayed too close to his nipple and he arched towards my hand.

He turned to looked at me, his eyes dark and smiling, so I gently kissed him.

Our lips met hesitantly, softly, almost as if this was the first kiss we'd ever shared. I felt like I was exploring him, discovering him, all over again. Alex's fingers danced along the side of my face and slid into my hair and he parted his lips slightly. I angled slightly more to the side and slipped my tongue forward, delicately tasting him. I teased his tongue briefly and he made a beautiful breathy whimper and tightened his fingers in my hair.

He began kissing me back with more certainty and slid one leg up to wrap over my hips, and I let myself touch him where I wanted to; down his back, his sides, the backs of his thighs, his chest and lastly his butt. I only stroked, urged him a little closer.

I kissed across his face and gently nibbled his earlobe. Alex squirmed and sighed softly.

He seemed content to kiss for a while longer, but then he began to demand more. His body was shifting against mine more obviously, his tongue was greedy and his hands were getting bolder. And we were both hard against each other.

He pulled away, flushed and breathing hard. The pink of his cheeks clashed terribly with his hair. I thought it was adorable.

He pressed soft lips to my throat, scraped his teeth lightly over my skin. A shiver ran through me. He lightly nibbled up the side of my neck, then moved to press a kiss against my lips.

Alex's mouth opened for me, invited me to taste him and tease with my tongue. He made soft irregular noises of pleasure, little indistinct whimpers of need that went straight to my groin.

"James?" He asked. He was basically on top of me now, and there was no doubt in my mind about was what was going to happen.

"Yes." I murmured back to him.

Alex smiled. I smiled back. He didn't need to ask for anything more than that.

"Yes." He said, and his eyes were smiling too. "Finally." He added then, giving me a push.

I laughed and pulled him to kiss me again.

Alex moved against me, hungry again, but somehow more gentle and restrained than before. This felt right. This felt perfect.

I slid my fingers into Alex's hair, wrapped my legs around his. Our jeans weren't exactly ideally comfortable for this, but I didn't care. It didn't matter anyway.

He hummed softly as we kissed, beginning to rub against me. I was getting harder, but this was quiet and soft and comfortable. This was right.

When I found the hem of his t shirt I pulled it upwards. Alex moved so I could pull it off over his head, and I tossed it over the edge of the bed.

His chest was lean and I shifted us so he was on his back and I was the one lying on top of him. Alex smiled at me, and I kissed him again. I would have kept going, but he was tugging on my shirt and I sat up, straddling his waist, to pull off.

"Hm?" Alex murmured, smiling up at me while he stretched his arms over his head and giving me a sexy look.

He made me laugh, so I kissed him, sweeping my tongue into his mouth. His fingers slid into my hair, and I moved down his body. He exposed his neck to me so I could mark it, but I had a sweeter prize in mind.

I moved down to the nipple I'd neared when I was drawing on his stomach, and sucked it into my mouth.

"Hmm..." Alex mumbled, pushing his body up against mine. I toyed with it with my tongue for a moment, then bit him. "Agh," He jerked up under me, pressing his groin up under mine. And then he was scrabbling at my jeans.

It seemed harder than before to get out of our jeans. Something about being under the covers, maybe. We both got onto the covers again, moving around and finally getting rid of our clothes.

Alex's arms pulled me back to him. He was smiling, glorious.

"James..." He murmured, kissing my face. His hands on my butt pulled our hips together. I rocked against him. He was giving little gasps which made me hungrier for him, and then he slid a hand in between us and wrapped his fingers around both our cocks.

I felt like I was going to come, then and there. His cock against mine like this felt amazing.

Alex groaned and demanded I kiss him again.

I was only too happy to oblige.

We made out like that for a while, and then he moved, leaning across the bed to his bedside table, reaching into the drawer. I was too busy marvelling at the view to really think much about what he was doing.

Until, that is, Alex produced a bottle of lube, took my hand and squeezed some onto my fingers.

"So?" he said, shuffling back on the bed so he knelt chest to chest with me and looking at me, a challenge in his eyes. I stroked my other hand down his spine, kissed him lightly as my fingers slid between his cheeks. Alex shifted closer, arched his back more so I could reach better.

I stroked his puckered hole with an unlubed finger, feeling his fingers tighten where he had his hands behind my shoulders. His breathing quickened over my skin as I ran little circles around him.

I changed hands. I stroked him briefly with my slick finger, his hips moving back slightly every now and again. I obeyed his silent encouragement and pressed my finger against him. He 'mm'ed softly as I pushed into him, and my dick got even harder. He felt velvet smooth and incredibly hot. Alex pressed back against my finger and kissed my shoulder.

"Two." He murmured. "Use two." I slowly withdrew my finger accompanied by a soft sigh from Alex, this time inserted two. He moaned and pressed back against my fingers. I tried to rotate them inside him, but I wasn't entirely sure how I did. Alex was starting to slowly hump back against my fingers though, murmuring softly into my neck.

"Like that?" I found myself whispering past my dry mouth.

"Mm-hm. Yeah. Just like that." Alex confirmed breathily, still undulating on my hand. He looked up at me and smiled. "Curl your finger, yeah?" he asked. I crooked my fingers slightly, not wanting to do anything that might hurt him, but it was pretty clear that pain was the last thing on his mind. He bit his lip and let out a soft groan, his eyes squeezed closed.

Ah. I smiled and began to repeatedly touch that spot. Alex gave a needy cry and clung to me with hard fingers, arching his head back, his mouth falling open.

"Oh god," he groaned when I pulled my fingers away. I circled his hole again and he looked up at me. His cheeks were flushed but his grin was huge. He slid his hands back around me and down my chest. My stomach flinched as he continued down, and I moaned softly as he wrapped his hands around me.

I shivered at the sensation when Alex rolled a condom over me with a steady hand, looked at me with shining eyes.

His skin was golden in the soft light, luminous. He lay back across the bed and stretched his arms behind his head. He was smiling. He actually looked like he was having fun. This was how it was supposed to be.

"Ready?" he asked huskily. If my dick bobbing in front of me was any indication, then 'yes' was an understatement.

I moved onto the bed with him, kissed him, propped on all fours above.

"L-lube?" I asked. My voice sounded disgustingly unlike me. Alex passed me the bottle and I took it with slightly shaking hands.

He stuffed a pillow under his hips and I moved between his legs.

"You won't hurt me." Alex's eyes were trusting. Serious.

His hands pulled me closer and the head of my cock bumped against his puckered hole.

"God, I need you so bad," he hissed, fingers digging into me as he tried to pull me closer.

Alex moaned as I pushed into him. I looked at his face quickly to make sure I wasn't hurting him, and his expression just made me harder. His head was thrown back in complete abandon and his hands were clutching the pillow either side of his head so hard that his fingers were white.

"Yes," he hissed, hitching me closer, his heels digging into me from behind. I sank deeper inside him, breathless with wonder. He was hot and tight and felt so incredibly good that I thought I might combust there and then. He moaned softly and opened his eyes again.

His fingers reached out and touched my face, and he managed a smile at me. "Babe... ok?" I nodded. My heart was thundering harder than ever before in my life and I panted for breath.

Pleasure was rushing through me in a torrent. He was so tight, so hot around me. If I moved I was in grave danger of coming right then and there.

"Babe." He whispered. "James?"

"I'm going to cum. I can't-"

"If you fucking cum now-" Alex growled, which only made me laugh. He felt incredible. I couldn't believe this. I never wanted this to end. I pushed forward again, sinking deeper into him. His hands clutched my hips.

"Ungh-" Alex arched up off the bed. I didn't move. I was already deep inside him. His mouth fell open and I took it as an invitation to kiss him.

Alex kissed me back eagerly, his hands grasping my back.

His body arched again, this time pushing his hips even closer to mine.

I couldn't even begin to catch my breath. He was so hot, so tight.

"James," he whispered, his legs hitching up around my body so I somehow sank further inside him, right against him. "M-move. Please."

"Oh god," I breathed. "Alex..." He whimpered and I began to slowly pull out of him. His cock was hard against his stomach and it made me feel incredibly gratified, incredibly sexy, that I could do this to him. That I could make him feel this way.

I pushed back into him, gasping with the sensation of it. He was so tight, so hot, so slick and there was heat bursting all over my skin, running through my veins.

"Yes," Alex hissed, his hands stroking my back.

He felt so amazing I thought I was going to burst. How had it taken a drunken kiss for me to realise how gorgeous he was? How much I liked him? Alex was perfect, every movement against me and every soft gasp just confirmed it. This was perfect.

"Please, more." Alex moaned. "I need more, James..."

"You feel so good," I choked, picking up some speed.

"Yes..." Alex tilted his head back as he arched and I panted for breath. "More, James..." I tried to speed up again, but I was losing control.

"Al, I'm going to cum, I can't- I'm so close..."

"Me too," Alex hissed. "So close- oh god oh god..."

I reached between us and began to stroke him as I kept thrusting into him. Alex let out a couple of high whimpers and suddenly he was spilling into my hand and his butt- his muscles were contracting around me and he was so damn hot in that moment...

Before I knew it I was coming too, coming deep inside him as he wailed beneath me and the world stopped just for a moment...

There'd never been a moment like that one. It was somehow eternal, and over way too fast. But I'm pretty sure moments like that cause quite a few heart attacks.

Yeah. It was like that. Heart stopping.

Alex let out a couple of soft noises, his arms loosening their grip on me and started kissing my face.

I kissed him back, never ever wanting to let him go. We kissed until I started to slip, having softened too much to stay inside him. Alex grabbed his shirt and gave it to me.

I gently kissed my way down his body and wiped up at the same time.

When I was done Alex pulled me half on top of him and wrapping me so tight in his arms I wondered if he ever planned on letting go. I had my arms draped loosely around him.

He suddenly looked up with a funny look on his face and licked his lips. "Good?" he asked softly. I loved the way he went all shy on me.

"Honestly?" I asked, running my fingers through his hair. He nodded once, looking down. "I'm actually not sure if I'll ever recover." Alex grinned, but didn't roll his eyes or comment. Instead he gave me a soft lingering kiss and then settled back down with a soft sigh.

"Can you believe it hasn't even been a week yet? It feels like longer."

"Stop moving." Alex grumbled. "And if you turn into one of those people that celebrate every week together then I may have to hurt you."

"You're cute when you're grouchy."

"Fuck off." He said, and this time he tried to poke me.

I grinned and stole another kiss from him. "And you know," I went on, moving his lips near his ear. "You're hot when you're angry."

"Shut up!" He said loudly, looking shocked. I laughed and pulled him for another kiss.

This time he relaxed into it.

"Here's the thing." I started softly when we pulled back. The shocked look Alex gave me alerted me that this probably wasn't what he'd expected to hear from me. But this was something I really needed to say.

Alex:

"Here's the thing." James said softly.

WHAT? I stared at him, suddenly frozen with shock. Dammit, couldn't there be a happily ever after without a 'but'? "I don't want this to come out wrong." He said with a sigh and gave me a serious look.

"Fuck you." I hissed, sitting up. He was going have sex with me in my bed and then bring up a 'but'? Not if I could help it.

"Wait, wait," he sat up behind me and grabbed me around the waist before I could get out of bed.

"Let go," I demanded. Fuck.

"No, Alex, wait. It's nothing bad, I just- wanted to talk." His arms were really warm and his chest was really solid and comforting against my back. Could I believe him? "Babe," he murmured and kissed the side of my head.

"What?" I finally demanded softly.

"Babe," James repeated. "I didn't mean to freak you out. I know you're scared, but I'm -- I'm scared too." I let my hands rest on his. James nuzzled my hair. I let him. it was actually really soothing. "I know we've made a mess of things so far... but I'm ok with it all. As long as we keep trying. And I wasn't lying the other day. When I said you needed to trust me. It's just that... there's something that I need from you, too."

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. He sounded so serious, so calm.

"Like what?" I asked finally, feeling smaller stupider all the time. What the fuck could he want from me? I had nothing to offer. How easy had that been for him? Comfort me and get sex and now bail?

"I need to know how you feel, Alex." He breathed against my cheek. I closed my eyes. How could I tell him? "I need to know that this isn't a joke. I know hasn't been long but this feels like it's been ages already and I don't want to be guessing." Heat was climbing my cheeks. "This is... this is really important to me."

I looked at James over my shoulder. He didn't look so calm now. He looked worried. Upset, even.

"I'm in love with you." The words sort of escaped on their own. I certainly hadn't mean to say them. They just came out without any sort of thought or effort on my part.

James looked surprised.

Shit shit shit. Too early.

Christ, what was I thinking? How could I have said that already?

"Good." James said, but his voice was all funny.

What?

"You wanted to know!" I said angrily, pushing his arms off me and getting up. "Don't get all cold and distant because I didn't answer with what you wanted to hear. You asked, ok? So-"

"Alex-" James said and the prick was smiling. He got up and stepped towards me. Ha. I stepped away again.

"No- you act all worried that I think this is a joke after everything I said to you the other day and now you're laughing at me? Again? Well you know what? You can fucking-"

"Shh." James interrupted, grinning now and reached out and put his hand over my mouth to shut me up.

"Don't 'shh' me!" I pushed his hand away.

"I just want to get a word in-"

"Your dirty great hand isn't-"

"Alex?" James said suddenly, very sweetly, with a smile. Possibly the only thing that might have made me stop.

I stopped. Shut my mouth. "Sorry." I muttered, then wondered what for.

"Alex." James went on gently. "I kind of figured it out this morning. When I couldn't call you or anything. It just made me realise... that ... I'm in love with you too."

I blinked at him. Sick relief made me stupid. "And you couldn't have just said?" I demanded.

Thankfully James just laughed. "Shut up and let's go back to bed."

I poked my tongue out at him. James grabbed me and planted a kiss on my lips.

"We're going to be fine." He whispered.

"You reckon?" I asked. How could he be so sure?

"I reckon." He answered. I held him tightly.

I really really hoped so.

"This is really important to me. I want this forever." I managed. His eyes were soft and he kissed me lightly.

"This is important to me too. I'm not letting it go without a fight." James nuzzled my cheek and I smiled, let myself touch his face.

James pressed another kiss to my mouth. "I love you." He whispered.

I found myself grinning despite myself. "Yeah, yeah." I said, rolling my eyes. James gave me a hard look. I gave him one back. "I loved you first." I told him sharply.

That made him smile. "I guess I have to give you that."

And somehow I couldn't stop myself from smiling back either.

James:

I think we dozed off. The sound of the door opening alerted me, and I looked up as Sal peeped through the crack.

His mum and aunt had definitely not been home before. Absolutely must have dozed off. At least, I was really hoping so.

"We're sleeping, go away." Alex mumbled, and I realised that at some point he'd pulled the doona and sheets over us- and thank god. She might have got a shock otherwise... I knew his mum and aunt liked me, but seeing me naked in bed with their beloved Alex might have been stretching things. Especially given that we didn't just happen to be innocently naked... and we didn't just happen to be in bed...

Sal retreated with a quick smile.

"We're not sleeping." I murmured, and pressed my lips to the back of Alex's neck. With the way we were curled up together it was the closest part of him to my mouth. He sighed softly and waited until I'd finished before he replied.

"Well, we were." He retorted. "And by the way, I guess no one's ever told you, but you snore."

"Do not."

"You fucking do to." He glared at me over his shoulder.

"Shut up." I decided that kissing him was the best way to end this conversation. His mouth was slick and hot. He tasted sweet- so sweet and soft that unless I'd known, I never would have guessed how sharp his tongue was.

Alex seemed content to kiss more gently for a while anyway, but eventually his stomach rumbled and he pulled back to give me an apprehensive look. I grinned at him.

"Hungry?" I asked. "I can take you out for a late supper and a movie."

"We are so not going anywhere." He shot back with a glare. I smiled. He was being extra bitchy after the heart to heart we'd had (well, I'll call it that since I wasn't sure I'd ever get any closer to one with Alex), and it made me irrationally happy. "Why are you smiling like that?" he asked suspiciously.




Loving James Ch. 05



I shrugged and grinned. Because he loved me and I couldn't believe it. Because this was wonderful and perfect and he was here in my arms. "No reason." Alex looked at me suspiciously, but finally sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Whatever." He said, but he couldn't hide a smile.

"Shut up and kiss me." I told him with a grin, and stole another kiss.

A suitable amount of time down the track:



James:

"I love you." I breathed, kissing his cheek.

"Yeah, yeah." Alex mumbled as if he didn't really care, but his arms were tight around me. After having sex with him for this long I thought I could read his body language pretty well, and right now I was pretty sure he was loving this. He would never admit to it, but he went all dopey and soft after sex. Mostly it wasn't such a dramatic change as today, but I always enjoyed it.

I kissed down his neck. Alex arched his head back as if to give me more room. I grazed my teeth across his skin and he hissed.

"No biting." He said in a low voice. "I had enough trouble last time you bit me."

"That was just one little teeny love bite." I murmured.

Alex mumbled something grumbly in return but I didn't catch it. I probably wasn't supposed to. His fingers were sliding through my hair and I was so relaxed and warm. This was perfect.

I waited for a while until we'd both cooled off a bit before I spoke again.

"I got you something." I murmured, tracing a line from Alex's ear, down his neck to his nipple. My heart was pounding against my ribs. Ok. So maybe I hadn't really cooled off after all.

"We said no presents!" Alex said sharply, looking more alarmed than anything. I guessed he certainly hadn't got me anything. I didn't care. I hadn't expected him to. But seriously. He should have known me better than that.

"It's not an anniversary present." I told him firmly. He just glared at me and stretched his arms above his head.

I got out of his bed crossed the room. I knew where the box was, wrapped in my fleecy jumper tucked at the bottom of my bag. I'd been paranoid about losing it all day.

I unwound the jumper and pulled out the box. It felt so small and insignificant in my hand.

The space between us felt huge. Alex was throwing our discarded clothes off the bed. Then I crossed back, holding the box in front of me and his eyes fixed on my hands.

"That had better not be jewellery." Alex said flatly as I got close.

I looked down at the black velvet box in my hand, back at his blue eyes.

I wasn't sure what I supposed to say to that. I couldn't deny it. I couldn't believe he'd said that. What the hell else did he think was in a box like this? Wasn't he pleased?

Now what? Was I supposed to put it back in my bag? Tell him to forget it? But we'd know, we'd both know...

And why would he say that, anyway? Why would he...?

After a moment of me staring at him, his expression suddenly changed.

His eyes widened suddenly and he hastily sat up. "I didn't- James... I didn't mean..."

I swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry." He went on, his voice strangled and odd. "That was so stupid. I'm such an idiot, I always ruin everything. Forget I opened my fat mouth. Forget I said anything. Start again? Please?" He looked as frightened as I'd ever seen him, and that actually reassured me.

I nodded.

"Alex." I said, and he nodded, holding my gaze intently. He looked kind of petrified. I had to grin and some of the tension passed. I sat on the bed next to him and looked down at him.

He blinked, and his eyes softened. He was letting me see him. Actually see him, and not his bravado and his comebacks and the person he'd constructed around himself.

"I got you this. Because I love you. Because you are all I want and all I need and being with you makes me incredibly happy and I never want to be without you."

I held the box out to him, and he looked at the box and then back at me with the shyest glance I'd ever seen from him. He reached fingers out for it but I didn't let the box go when he gripped it. We both sat there, holding it between us.

"If you don't like it, we can change it." I whispered, then let go.

Alex looked at the black box in his hands for a moment, then he drew a breath and slowly opened it.

The platinum band shone against the velvet. I really hoped it would fit him.

"James." Alex said, glancing up at me with big eyes. "I- I'm..." he carefully prised it out of the box, slid it onto a finger on his right hand. It didn't fit.

"Here." I said. My mouth was totally dry. "It doesn't go there." I said, but it came out as a whisper. I slid the ring back off his finger, then picked up his left hand.

I actually felt the tremor that shook him. His eyes flew to mine.

"Marry me?" I asked into the silence.

My voice wasn't strong and steady like I'd hoped.

Alex stared at me, his eyebrows slowly climbing his forehead and his eyes getting shinier and moister, his mouth half open. He look stunned. He was beautiful.

"Even if technically, legally, we can't? It's only been- And our parents- god, what will your parents say? And even though- Oh my god, my mum will freak- you have no idea what people are going to-"

"Alex." I interrupted firmly. His face was getting steadily redder. "Will you marry me?" I repeated.

"Yes." He finally answered, then gave a weak sounding laugh. I hadn't realised I'd been holding my breath. I let out the breath with a whoosh and grinned at him, giddy with relief and pure wonder.

I slid the ring onto his finger.

It fit. Perfectly.

Alex' laughter was turning into something that sounded awfully like tears. He'd closed his fist and was looking at the ring.

"We can change it, if you want. If you don't like it." I repeated.

Alex looked up at me, and his eyes were warm and bright. "As if anyone is ever getting this off my finger." He said roughly, then gave another noise which might have been laughter and might have been a sob. I couldn't tell- he flung his arms around my neck and hung onto me like there was no tomorrow.

"I love you." I repeated, closing my eyes, savouring the feel of him in my arms. He had agreed. He knew how much I loved him and how much I wanted him and he was being himself, not trying to fight me or pretend this didn't mean everything it did.   

"I love you too." He said back, voice hot and muffled against my neck. "So much."

He pulled and I let him draw me down on top of him. I just wanted to hold him until I recovered from the sensation that my heart might leap out of my chest, trailing every hope and fear and desire in a great rainbow arc behind it.

Wow. You know. As if to prove I was gay or something...

Alex gave another noise that appeared to be half laugh and half sob, so I propped myself up on my elbows to look down at him.

He was grinning but his eyelashes were all stuck together and there were tear tracks down the side of his face. "I c-can't believe it." He whispered, wiping his eyes, laughing again.

"You'd better." I told him gently. Alex smiled up at me, going shy again. I ducked my head towards his and he closed his eyes as I kissed him. His hands slid around my neck and tangled in my hair, and he wrapped one leg around mine at the same time.

I picked up his left hand and drew it up between us. The ring was so shiny, so new.

"Wait. So where's yours?" he asked.

"At the shop." I told him, smiling. "You have to come back with me tomorrow. I want... I want to get them engraved."

Alex was smiling back, something bright and alive burning in his eyes. I'd never seen anyone who looked so happy. "What?" he asked, eager and unself-conscious and totally silly with joy. "What are you going to get engraved?" He reminded me of a puppy in that moment.

"You'll see." I told him.

"You're not going to tell me?" he asked, voice rising.

"No." I grinned at him.

"Prick." He muttered, but he was still smiling. I laughed and he missed my mouth, so I pulled him back close to me and kissed him.

This was perfect. This was how things were supposed to be, how I always wanted them to be.

Yeah, I was pretty happy with what I'd chosen to get engraved on that ring. And I was pretty sure Alex would like it too.

- - -- - - - - - - -

The jeweller, to her credit, didn't bat an eyelash when we walked in hand in hand or when I asked about the ring I had paid for and had put aside for me.

It was exactly the same as Alex's. I hadn't wanted anything more than Alex forever and him to know it. I didn't need anything more than a ring.

"There's a note about an inscription?" she asked.

Alex's ears almost visibly perked up.

"Yes." I agreed. "I'd like this one engraved with it." I said, showing her the ring on Alex's finger.

"You're Alex?" she addressed him. He nodded quickly, looking at her intently.

"Al, you better give her the ring." I reminded him.

 He took the ring off with less reluctance than I might have expected. I think his curiosity was strong enough that he was prepared to forget yesterday's determination to hold onto it.

"Alright." She said, smiling. "I'll have it done for you now. It won't be too long."

"We might go and have coffee or something then, if that's ok?"

Alex clutched my hand and shot me a dark look. I had to bite back a laugh.

"I want to know what it says!" He hissed at me as I steered him out of the shop.

I laughed. "You'll see it when it's done."

He rubbed the skin on his ring finger as he glared at me. I liked the fact that he was already missing the ring. "Well, what if I don't like it?" he demanded.

"You'll like it." I told him. I knew he would. "You'd better." I added.

Alex frowned at me, but he was having trouble holding the expression. He was smiling too much underneath. I shook my head at him and planted a kiss on his lips.

"Come on." I said. "Coffee?"

"Wait," Alex hopped along beside me, slipping his hand back into mine. "What about yours? Does yours say anything?"

"Ah..." Truthfully I hadn't arranged for that. I was doing this for Alex more than me. "Not yet." I answered, instead of telling him that.

"Good." he said, grinning.

Good? I didn't ask.

We had coffee sitting in the back of a café in the old shopping arcade. Alex was fidgety the whole time, but at least he wasn't trying to keep scowling at me anymore.

Back at the jewellers, the woman handed me the ring. I looked over the inscription on the inside and smiled. It was perfect.

"Thank you." I said to the woman. She was standing there, smiling and watching us expectantly.

"Can I see now?" Alex asked, yanking on my shirt like a little kid.

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. I just passed him the ring.

Alex held it up so he could see the elegant script inside the band and then looked at me with big eyes. I was pretty sure they were filling with tears.

He let me take the ring from his hand and slide it back onto the right finger. He closed his hand around it and stared at it for a moment, then threw his arms around my neck.

"That is so incredibly sappy," he half laughed into my ear. I had to laugh too.

"You love it." I told him.

"God, I can't out-do that!" He moaned, thumping my shoulder and wiping his eyes.

"Babe, you don't have to." I said firmly, stealing a quick kiss from him. Jeweller lady could watch if she wanted, I didn't really care.

"Look what you've done, you've turned me into a massive cry baby." He said, glaring at me. He couldn't hold the expression though and we both ended up laughing. I hugged him tight and Alex squeezed me back.

"I love you anyway." I told him. Alex smiled and nuzzled my neck.

"I love you too." He whispered.

He quickly wiped his eyes again as we pulled away then turned back to the lady.

"I want that one engraved too." He said quickly.

"Of course." She said. She didn't seem too bothered. Then again, she probably saw variations of this theme all the time. "What would you like the inscription to say?"

"The same." Alex said, giving me a heated look. I wanted to drag him home and take him to bed. I wanted to undress him and not let him move and then make him scream with pleasure. Like now. And then I wanted to do it again and again every day for the rest of our lives. "Exactly the same," Alex obviously hadn't noticed me tuning out and imagining him naked. I smiled at him and he grinned back before turning back to the jeweller lady. "Only I want his to say 'James forever after'..."