6 comments/ 12800 views/ 18 favorites Loving Him Ch. 01 By: gildedbutterflies I sat cross-legged on the floor of my room, folding and unfolding the tired piece of paper, my eyes skimming the carefully constructed words, the black ink smudging my fingers. I already knew what it said, the reading was just a comforting habit at this point. These were the last words he gave me, and I was beginning to realize that these were the last words he would ever give me. I folded the paper again, trying to seal some small part of him into the space where the words touched each other, and picked up the envelope that it had been in. I put down the envelope and unfolded the paper, reading from the beginning. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing, knowing that these breaths were the most important I would take in my life, because these were the ones that would lead to the rest of them. I could not give up on breathing now. I folded the paper again, and finally put in in the envelope for the first time since I had taken it out, and put it in the bottom drawer of my nightstand. My rational side was telling me to throw it away, to let it go for good, but I had to hold on to him for as long as I could. I pushed the drawer closed and lay back on my floor, my fingers curling into the long carpet beneath me. The light on my ceiling was flickering, and as I felt the fractures begin in my heart I curled into the fetal position. It didn't make sense. He couldn't be gone. Not yet. Not ever. I couldn't let him be gone. I couldn't be. Not without him. The sun bleeding through my curtains broke through my dreamless sleep and I sighed, rolling onto my stomach as the weight descended upon me again. I pushed myself up onto my hands and knees, staying there for a moment while I evaluated whether or not I had strength enough to stand. Slowly, carefully, I rose to my feet. I crossed my room and sat on the old reclining chair, looking at the mirror next to me. For a moment I was shocked. I couldn't believe that I was looking at the same person I had seen yesterday, the same face that there was before the world broke in to a thousand flaws. I felt so different, how could I look the same? ~ All his things were packed into a small box, his memory weighing on my shoulders as I carried the box to the front door of his house. I rang the doorbell and waited, unsure of how to feel. I heard footsteps in the familiar hallway and his younger brother opened the door. His eyes widened when he saw me. "Lexan, hey, I didn't think I would see you. It's been a while since..." "Yeah, Max. I know. Can I come in?" He nodded and I entered the house, instinctively glancing up the stairs to where Esran's room had been. My heart sank but I took a deep breath and kept walking, setting the box down on the kitchen table and turning back to Max. "He left some games and stuff at my place, I figured you might want them. I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I guess it just felt like it would make it real, you know?" Max nodded, looking down at the linoleum, his soft brown hair falling across his eyes exactly the way Esran's had. I felt a sudden overwhelming need to hold him, but I shoved my hands in my pockets and sighed. "I'm really sorry, man. It's just.. you know. He was my best friend. I should have done something. I should have known, I guess." He looked up at me, the raw agony in his familiar hazel eyes sending a shock through to my core. "Lexan, how do you think I feel? He's my brother. I saw him every day and I couldn't.." he stopped for a moment, his voice breaking in grief. He cleared his throat and tried again, "couldn't do anything. I couldn't tell. I just... I failed as a younger brother. I should have..." In that instant I had crossed to him and wrapped my arms around him, his face buried in my chest as I felt his knees give slightly. "Max, it isn't your job to protect anybody but you. You couldn't have done anything. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." "You were gone for so long, too. It was like I lost both of my older brothers and I didn't know what to do, Lex. I don't know what to do." His slender body was trembling, and suddenly his arms were wrapped around me, clinging as if he would fall apart if he let go. I smoothed his hair with one hand, tears coming to my eyes as he was wracked with sobs. "I'm here. I'm sorry. I miss him too." I held him in silence for minutes as he wept, and together we cried for the loss of a best friend and brother. I was suddenly glad to have this sweet boy in my arms, because I realized he was holding me together right now as much as I was holding him together. He pulled away and looked up at me for a moment, searching my eyes with his. "Lexan, never leave me again." I leaned forward and kissed his forehead. "I never will, Max. We'll get through this." "Together?" "I'm here." I hadn't gone to the funeral, even though I knew I owed it to Max and to Esran to be there. I couldn't stand to see him lowered into the ground, but I visited the grave often afterward. Sometimes I would just lean against the headstone and watch the world pass, other times I would press my hand to his name and imagine he was there with me. We had known one another since we were kids, and he was my rock through the tough years of high school. After college, we had moved to different cities but we called each other often and we made a lot of trips on weekends. I thought I had missed him then, but now was an entirely different story. There's no way to describe what he meant to me, so best friend will have to suffice. I was best man at his wedding and the first man there when they called it quits after three years. I didn't know where Anna was now, but I hoped she knew he was gone. The months passed and I kept my promise to Max, finding a place for him at my company and moving him out of the house full of memories to my studio apartment, convenient as far as location and price, but not much on space. He slept on the couch except for some nights when he got totally trashed and crashed on my bed, and I would put the blanket on him and take the couch instead. I remembered what it was like to be eighteen, but I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose the only real stable role model I had ever known. Once I woke up with him pressed close to me, my arms wrapped around him as I slept without dreaming. I had held him until he woke up and made sure he was okay, then we went to work and nothing more was said about it. I hated the feeling that started growing inside me as I had held him, but I closed my eyes to it and wouldn't let it become reality. He was like my little brother, and it hadn't even been a year since Esran had gone. I told myself that it must have been seeing my best friend in his eyes that made me feel so close to him. I couldn't let it be any more than that. Loving Him Ch. 02 The year anniversary of Esran's death passed quietly, I ordered his favorite Chinese food and sat on the couch next to Max, watching The Big Bang Theory as we ate in silence. He was almost twenty now, and he was starting to grow into himself. His shoulders have filled out and he had gotten taller, but he still stood several inches shorter than me. At 6'5", not many people are taller than me, so it wasn't a big deal. I had been moving up in the company, as had Max, and he had just been appointed to my assistant. I was proud of how far I had come in my short 26 years, only 4 of them at this company, and I loved going in to work every day. I wouldn't admit it to myself, but I loved coming home to Max every day even more than that... So as we sat on the couch eating our sesame chicken and watching the show, I felt myself drawn to him as if by a magnet. I kept my eyes glued to the screen, knowing full well that nobody but Esran had known that I was gay, and knowing that he wouldn't have wanted me feeling so attracted to his younger brother. I couldn't tell Max, of course. While he was stable now, he had still suffered because of the loss of his brother, and I didn't want to change his opinion of me. I was practically his older brother, and I didn't want to scare him off or make him feel uncomfortable. A couple times he asked why I never brought girls over, and I said that I always went to their place because I didn't want to make our studio apartment too crowded. He left it alone after that. I never thought to ask him the same question. As the show ended and commercials began to run before the next episode, I glanced over at the gentle boy sitting next to me. I had just recently begun to admire his beautiful hands, so strong and capable. His soft brown hair swept lightly over his forehead and his hazel eyes were trained directly on my face. "What's up man?" I asked, startled. "Nothing. You just look older is all." "I look older, have you seen yourself lately?" I joked, pointedly glancing at his tight arm muscles. "If you came to the gym with me you'd have 'em too!" he replied, flexing his bicep. I laughed lightly and propped my feet up on the table, running my fingers through my hair. Suddenly I felt his hand on my knee and I looked at him, startled. He blushed and took his hand away almost immediately. "I was just wondering if you ever work on your sculptures anymore." I laughed again, taken aback. "Max, how did you know I sculpted?" He gave me a sarcastic look, the green in the center of his eyes burning into my light blue ones with such incredible intensity that I had to look away. "Dude, Esran talked about you all the time. You were his best friend! He told me about that sculpture you made of him when you were a senior in university." "Yeah, that one took a while." "Can I see it?" "I don't know man. It's kind of..." "Nude. I know. He told me!" I sighed and stood up, walking into the kitchen area and taking a box off of the top of the cupboards. I set it on the counter and opened it, gently reaching inside to take out the figurine that I had pored over, poured so many precious hours into. I smiled as I saw the familiar face of my best friend, missing him as the last words he had ever given me echoed through my mind. That letter was still sitting in my nightstand, I hadn't opened it since that day over a year ago. "Wow, man.. you were really good." I turned to Max with a slight smile on my face, gently handing him the little statue, 11" tall, every feature painstakingly etched to bring out the life that had emanated from Esran so powerfully. His eyes scanned the features, traced down the sculpted body, and back to the face. "That's him." "Yeah." He handed it back to me and silently went back to sit on the couch as I put the figure back in the box on the cupboard. I looked back at Max, and his face was buried in his hands. "You okay?" He looked up at me, pushing his hair away from his eyes. "Do me." Electricity jolted through my body. He couldn't mean... "You want me, too?" I asked quietly. "Yeah I want you to! You're talented man. I'm sure you haven't lost all that sculpting skill over the years!" I laughed aloud, feeling an overwhelming mixture of relief and disappointment. I felt ridiculously foolish for misunderstanding the context of his statement. "Yeah, I'll do you." "Full nude. Just like Esran." "Dude, that was for a final. I can do yours with clothes on." "No. I want it to be just like his. Where is your clay and stuff?" "In the closet next to the door. It's the box marked 'old art'." He went to get the box and I pushed the coffee table next to the couch, pulling the kitchen table a little further into the living room space. He set the box down and I opened it as he went to stand next to the couch. "I have to draw you first, so you can just take your shirt off.." I began, then looked over to see Max standing there fully naked. My eyes tripped over his beautiful body, lingering on his washboard abs. I blushed and turned away before I looked at his manhood, knowing that it was hanging free for me to look at. I felt a twinge in my crotch and adjusted accordingly in my seat to make sure there would be no awkwardness. There was no way I was blowing my cover now. Not over this. "Uh.. okay.. well.. just stand comfortably I guess." "Does this make you feel weird?" he asked, and I heard genuine concern in his voice. "No, man. I just don't want you to be disappointed if my art isn't up to the standard you're expecting." "Kay. I'll just hang out here then. Do your thing." The blush on my cheeks began subsiding as I started sketching, outlining his sharp cheekbones and delicate ears, his strong neck and his muscular torso. I then started drawing from his feet, working on his perfect calves and toned thighs. "Well, that's enough for now, I guess," I said, putting my pencil down and feigning tiredness. Then he was next to me, his smooth skin inches away from my aching fingers, his breath in my ear as he looked over my shoulder. "Yeah, that's good! I like it. You missed something, though." "What's that?" I felt him reaching around me, moving my hand off the paper, keeping it gripped tightly. "Well, the eyes are good and stuff, but you forgot my favorite feature." And then I felt the warmth in my hand. I felt the softness, the hardness, and I jumped away as if I had been burned. "What the hell?" I shouted, trying to turn away so he couldn't see the problem that had almost instantly started in my jeans. "I just want you to really get a feel for your art," he said, his own hand falling to rest where my eyes ached to be. You're going to sculpt me, it's like you're going to touch it anyway." "Max, this isn't funny." "Lexan, I'm not trying to be funny." "Then put your clothes on. I'm going to bed." A moment of confusion and movement, and I was pressed against the wall, his eyes boring into mine and his lips inches from my own. I felt my cock growing even harder and I shuddered, trying to pull away from him. "Alexander, you are not going to bed until you have my permission." "Max?! The hell?!" I struggled, my cock straining against the material of my jeans. Suddenly his lips were on mine and his tongue was in my mouth and I moaned involuntarily, going weak at his touch. I closed my eyes and then opened them suddenly, snapping back to reality. I pushed him away hard, jumping away from the wall to try to get out to the open space in the room so I could get away if he tried anything. "Are you fucking drunk?!" "I know you want it. I know you want me. Esran wrote me a letter before he died, and he told me that you like to be with guys. Well I want to be with you." "You're joking!" I exclaimed, running my fingers through my hair and backing away, the back of my legs bumping against the arm of the couch. In the next moment I was falling and he was on top of me, kissing me hard, straddling me. "Max, you're like my brother!" "I don't want to be your brother anymore, Lexan. I want to be yours. Every bit of me." And once again he grabbed my hand and put it on his hardness, and I moaned as my cock twitched. "I'm not joking. I want you. I have wanted you since I was a kid. And I'm not a kid anymore and I'm taking what I want." Silently, I looked up at him, his hazel eyes burning with an intensity I had never seen before. 'Max's cock.. I'm touching Max's cock...' the thought rang through my head, and my hand instinctively squeezed. A blush came to his cheeks and he kissed me again, harder than before. "Lexan, every time I have said I love you, I mean I goddamn fucking love you. I love you in a way that makes me burn inside. I've been so happy to be close to you, but I can't take it anymore. I need to be physically close with you. I need to be yours." "Max, you are mine! You're basically my brot..." "Don't you fucking dare say brother." I closed my eyes and my mouth, fighting between aching to take him and not wanting to cross this boundary with a kid I had watched grow up. "Listen, Lexan, I'm nearly twenty years old. Seven years, dude. I've wanted you for seven years. Just give me this. Just this once. Then you'll never have to see me again." "No!" I gasped, my heart breaking at the thought of losing him forever. "I'm not letting you go!" And in that instant my entire life changed. He locked eyes with me and slowly leaned closer, gently pressing his soft lips to mine. My lips parted hesitantly, and then I began kissing him in return, kissing more urgently as I tried to fix the ache that had gripped me when I thought of him going away. Then his hand was at the back of my head, pulling me into him, kissing me deeply, his tongue tangling with mine. I felt the urgency burning in his movements, and I suddenly remembered his cock was in my hand, throbbing and hard. I started moving, so slowly, running my hand up and down the length, my eyes widening as I felt the girth of his cock. "Gods, you're huge." He pulled away for a moment, then gripped my hand with his, encouraging the stroking, speeding up, squeezing harder, his eyes locked with mine. "I love you, Lexan." I blushed and turned away, closing my eyes. I opened them again and for the first time looked at the member in my hand. His gorgeous abs melded perfectly into the sexy triangle, his hip and pelvic muscles tensing, and my mouth fell open as I saw his cock. The beautiful head was light pink and the tip just drooling precum, the shaft continuing with sexy veins to nicely trimmed pubes and a heavy, full sack. "Fuck." I whispered. I looked up at him again, realizing that his eyes had never left my face, his cheeks were flushed with pleasure as he pumped my hand on his gorgeous length, and without meaning to, I licked my lips. He smiled for a moment, and then he was kissing me again. I grunted and pushed him up, turning him around and shoving him so he was laying on his back on the couch, his stiff rod sticking straight up into the air, glistening at the tip. I couldn't take it any more, and without looking away from his sweet eyes, I took his cock in my hand and lowered my head, my tongue flicking out to caress the tip. His precum was salty and sweet, and instantly I wanted more. I slammed my head down on his cock, taking a mouthful of him as my left hand began to massage his heavy balls. His back arched off the bed and he nearly screamed in pleasure, but I was off his cock and slamming my mouth down again before his moan could subside. Up and down, my right hand began rubbing his shaft where my mouth couldn't reach, stroking him as I got his cock wet, slurping and sucking, kissing his swollen head and running my tongue around his sensitive ridge. He closed his eyes and began to breathe more quickly, his fingers curling in my blonde hair, guiding my movements. After I pulled up again, I began to push myself down harder, trying to open my throat to take him in. He moaned and began trembling, pushing my head down hard as I felt him pressed to the back of my throat. I could feel myself almost choking, and my eyes began watering, but I let him hold me there. He relaxed his grip on my hair and I pulled up, gasping for air for a moment before sucking his sweet dick back into my throat, pushing myself down even harder, still not able to take him all the way. "God, Lexan, you can't! You're gonna make me cum!! It's too soon!" I smiled and pulled off his cock, crawling up and kissing him deeply before returning to where I had been and kissing the head of his divine cock. "Max, it's not too soon. You have no idea how long I have been waiting for this." With that, my throat was opened and pushing against him again, my fingers massaging and squeezing his full balls, my throat protesting against the large intruder, but then I felt what I was waiting for. Max's body began trembling even harder and I felt his divine balls clench hard, and then I felt the warmth in my throat as he came with a scream that I thought could wake the dead. "Fuck! OH GOD! LEXAN!!" He cried as he pumped four, five, six loads of his sweetness into my throat and mouth. I sucked the rest out of him and pulled back, swallowing and licking my lips, kissing him as he breathed deeply and trembled, letting him taste himself on my lips. In a moment he was asleep and I smiled, kissing his forehead. I got a blanket from the floor where he piled them every morning and covered him, watching his cock deflate for a moment. I sighed and walked to the kitchen, grabbing my keys off the counter and leaving the apartment. I didn't know where I was going, but two things were certain. I had just sucked off the most beautiful boy I had ever known, a kid who had always been a younger brother to me but now could never be that again, and I needed a good drink. Loving Him Ch. 03 I left the bar early in the morning, staggering slightly as my head swam. I kept walking, trying to erase the image of Max below me, naked, his hard rod in my throat and his cum in my mouth. I tried to forget the taste of him, the electricity of his touch. I couldn't go back to the apartment now. I couldn't face him. I had a moment of weakness and had succumbed to my animal instincts, letting my desire control me. I didn't know where to go and I didn't want to go anywhere. I sat down against the building that was next to me and I pulled my knees up to my chest, folding my arms and resting my forehead on them. He was like my younger brother. He was Esran's kid brother and one of the only parts of him left. We had so many memories together. What else was in the letter Esran had written him? He had told Max one of my most closely kept secrets, and Max had used that to get me to suck him off. Was he using me? I had melted at his words of love, saying he wanted me and he wanted to be mine. Was he just lonely and horny and figured since I'm into guys I was a good place to get laid? I wished for another shot of whiskey. Maybe one more would make the questions stop and let me slip into unconsciousness. I hadn't slept in twenty four hours, and every time I thought about the soft brown hair and burning hazel eyes I got a raging hard on that strained against my jeans painfully. It wasn't fair of him to do this to me. There was no way I was going to make that statue of Max. I couldn't imagine even finishing the sketch. There had to be some way to leave this behind, chalk it up to one night of weakness and raging hormones, and leave with the memory of everything he had been still intact. This wasn't going to turn into a thing. He was too young and had been talking about girls incessantly since he was fourteen. Esran and I had spent many nights snickering as we overheard his curious fumblings with the girls from school through the wall. Just because he hadn't gotten any in a while and wanted a blowjob didn't mean he was serious about guys. Everyone gets curious sometimes, right? Why did he say he loved me? Of course I loved him. He was like a brother to me. I loved him in a very protective way, and I loved him in a very longing way, the kind of love that develops over movie stars and people that there is never a chance with. He must love me as a brother. He must have just wanted me to do what he asked. He couldn't love me...that way... Could he? I sighed as I stood up, teetering for a moment before taking slow steps up the familiar streets to the apartment. As I fumbled the key into the lock my mind was churning, trying to decide whether to ignore him or to play it off as if nothing had happened. I slowly opened the door and the apartment was empty. A sigh of relief escaped me as I stumbled to my bed, throwing myself down on top of the comforter. There was a folded piece of paper on the pillow next to my head, and I unfolded it slowly. My eyes were so incredibly heavy. I scanned the words without seeing them, and sleep took me. I woke up enough to roll over, my arm tingling and numb because I had been sleeping on it. The paper rustled and I looked at it again, absorbing the words. "Had to go to Spokane. I'll call you. Thank you for everything. -Max" Spokane. That's where their grandparents lived. I rolled onto my back and dug into my pocket, taking out my cellphone and pressing the button. The screen glared to life and I squinted, seeing one unread message. I pressed the messaging app, opening it. Max Hey gma fell and broke her arm and cracked her head. Not sure when I'll be home cause they need me here. I'll call you tonight. I love you, Lexan. I pressed the volume down button until the phone was on silent, and tossed it onto the couch. I sat up and stretched my tingling fingers, waiting for my arm to regain feeling. As I stood up from the bed, there was a sharp pain in my head and I groaned quietly. I creaked into the kitchen and opened the cupboard next to the fridge, taking out the bottle of ibuprofen and popping four as I got a glass of water. I ate half a banana and drank some of the water, then took the two to the couch and set them on the table. I noticed that the room had been put back to normal, my art stuff was off the kitchen table and it looked like nothing had happened. Like nothing had happened. That's how it was going to be. I wasn't going to think of the fact that I had sucked his sweet cock until he came for me on the same couch I was now sitting on. I reached for the remote and turned on the television, skipping through the channels until an episode of House caught my attention. I finished three more episodes of House before I looked at the kitchen clock and realized that it was past midnight. I stood up and stretched, yawning as I went to the kitchen to get another glass of water. I noticed the light on my phone blinking, telling me that it needed to be charged. I took it over to my nightstand and plugged it in, the screen lighting up as it started to charge. One text. Max Gma is out of surgery and it's a waiting game. I'll keep you updated. Be good. Boss knows I won't be there for work. I asked to take all my leave at the same time. Four weeks. Four weeks. Okay. Four weeks would be enough time for me to get myself back together. I took off my clothes and crawled into my bed, my body aching. One of the things I missed most about living on my own was sleeping in the nude. I was glad Max was gone. I lay on my back with my eyes closed, trying to keep thoughts of him out of my head, but I could feel my cock growing. I hadn't masturbated in ages, and my guy wanted to seize the opportunity. No reason not to. I turned on my computer to watch some of my favorites, guys making each other scream in ecstasy. As I replayed some of the better scenes, my mind kept wandering back to his perfection. His washboard abs, his smooth skin, his delicious... No! This wasn't about Max. This was about the cute brunette who was having a fantastic time on the screen. I pumped a couple squirts of lotion onto my hand as the scenes heated up, and started treating myself to a little loving. I warmed the lotion up by rubbing it between my hands, the computer resting next to me on the bed. My eyes were glued to the screen as I took my shaft in my left hand, rubbing the lotion up and down on my semi-hard member. My right hand spread the lotion onto the head, and I started twisting my hand around the head as if I were opening a bottle, my left hand still rising and falling on my shaft. As I watched the scene, my mind conjured the memory of his heavy sack, and my cock twitched. I shook my head and tried to focus on the computer again, my right thumb came up and swirled in the precum at the tip of my cock, working in circles as a jolt of pleasure went through me. I moaned quietly and continued, biting my lower lip. I moved my left hand down and began massaging my heavy balls, quickly taking my right hand up and down my shaft in long strokes, feeling myself already on the edge of an orgasm. It had been so long since I had any quality time with myself that my stamina had totally been depleted. The moans coming from the computer were helping to get me there, too, and I closed my eyes as I bucked my hips into my hands, squeezing and working my stiff cock. My left hand came up to work with my right, my thumbs swirling around the head of my cock as my fingers massaged and overlapped. I started moving faster, squeezing just a little harder, loving the feeling of the lotion making my cock slick and smooth. Faster and faster, my breath was coming in gasps, I was moaning out loud and then I was there. My balls clenched and I moaned loud and long as the sudden memory of the feeling of Max exploding into my throat jammed its way into my mind. I couldn't stop. I was cumming, shooting jets of my hot seed into the air, landing on my stomach and thighs. I felt my body trembling as I remembered the taste of him, the feel of his muscles and the look on his face as I brought him to orgasm. Another clench, a final jet, and I was exhausted. I got some tissues and slowly cleaned myself up, guilt seeping into my mind. I just came because of Max... I threw the tissues away and closed my computer, putting it on the nightstand. I shut my eyes and curled up underneath my blankets, praying that exhaustion would keep dreams away. I buried my face into my pillow. I couldn't do this anymore. If I kept thinking of him, remembering him, four weeks wouldn't be nearly enough time to get myself under control.