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Kinky Kris Ch. 01

By: Tara_Neale



Kris stared at the message on his phone. 'Hook up?' Was all it said. Less than two hours after creating a profile on the gay networking app and someone was offering sex? Sex? Not just sex but sex with another man. At thirty-nine after fifteen years of marriage and two children, Kinky Kris was exploring his sexuality. This road had not been easy.

He had met Jessica during his first year of college. They had become friends then boyfriend and girlfriend. They had been dating for six months before they had sex. Jessie was from a good Christian home and did not want Kris to think her too easy. But nothing about sex was easy for Kris. Despite his All-American good looks, he was virtually as inexperienced as Jessie had been. He had only ever had sex a couple of times with his high school sweetheart. 

Kris had been eighteen before he lost his virginity, scored with the girlfriend he had been dating for three years. They had both been accepted to college...different colleges. In all likelihood, the sex had been a desperate plea to hold onto something that simply was not meant to be. The first time was at the local water fall when they went there for a picnic with a few friends. They had snuck away for a bit and one thing led to another. Kris had been so caught off guard that he had not even had a condom. But she had. 

He smiled at the memory of his shock. But that fact should have told him something, she had planned this 'spontaneous' event. He had been even more surprised to discover that he was the only virgin in the relationship. After three years of protests about waiting, not doing it just because other people were, and his respect, his girlfriend had not even been a virgin. He later found out that she was anything but. She had said at the time that she had wanted to be sure because her first experience had not been that good. Neither was her second. 

The sex was rushed because they were afraid of getting caught. Plus the truth was that Kris was a big boy...in more ways than one. Just getting it in fully had proven an insurmountable challenge. They had been forced to stop after ten minutes of fumbling because without sufficient lubrication the lone condom that she had brought had broken. 

They tried again a couple of weeks later when her parents were out for the evening. She had called and Kris had come over after she got her little sister to bed. It was a bit better in her bed. They had laughed when both of them pulled packets of three condoms out. They had not gone through all six that night but they had lost a couple more to breakage. In the end, Kris was left wondering 'what's the big deal.' Honestly, he could get himself off better and quicker than sex with her had been. 

So when he did go to college he had been more focused upon his studies and football than he had been upon screwing everything he could like some of his friends. Even once he met Jessie they had taken it slowly. She was a couple of years older than Kris, a junior in philosophy and psychology. They had met because her best friend was dating his roommate. They ended up just sort of hanging out all the time. He had not even liked the bossy, know-it-all at first. But by the time that her friend broke up with his roommate, they were dating. 

Like his first couple of experiences, Jessie had been nothing special. The difference was that as the 'older' woman she had not been afraid to take charge. She had immediately set about correcting all of Kris's mistakes. First of all, didn't he know that with a cock like that he would always need extra lube? No, no he did not. But he did after that. 

Basically, Jessie had trained him as a lover. Everything he knew about pleasing a woman he had learned from her. Well at least those first few years. As they continued to see one another and Kris's confidence grew, he began to enjoy sex more. If their sex life was not exotic, it was most definitely frequent. From that first time, they formed a pattern of almost daily intercourse. Of course, with Jessie it was always the same old same old. She was not adventurous. It was a quality that gave her a stability he craved. 

Perhaps like his high school sweetheart they would have drifted apart once she finished school. Except during her final term, a condom broke...one too many times. They did what was expected of them, getting married within days of Jessie finishing college. They had lived in married student housing for the next two years as Kris struggled to finish his degree in business while holding down a fulltime job at night to pay their bills. 

Jessie had stayed home with the baby. And like most new mothers, she complained non-stop about being tired. Their almost daily sex life had dwindled to once or twice a month. That was when Kris discovered Internet porn. He had learned things that Jessie never taught him. Things he wanted to try. But with his Christian upbringing he took his marriage vows seriously. He was no cheater.

Eventually as the baby slept through the night, Jessie's libido returned. She was delighted at the new tricks he had learned, but a bit suspicious of where he had learned them. Rather than allow his wife to think he had committed adultery, he came clean about his Internet porn addiction. Jessie was both relieved and shocked. Of course, their new found sexual adventures were cut short by a second pregnancy. And Kris returned to the computer for his sexual satisfaction.

After that his marriage had puttered along through a handful of miscarriages, a mortgage and two boisterous children. They were the typical all-American family. Especially when Jessie went to night school to get her masters in Social Work. With both kids now in school, she began her own career. To the outside the world, to their friends and family, they were perfect.

But Kris knew otherwise. Kris had a secret. In his many late nights trolling the Internet for hotter and hotter porn, he had stumbled upon gay porn. At first his Christian upbringing had forced him to shun what he saw on the screen. The whole man lying with man thing from the Bible added a layer of guilt to his already substantial pile. But that guilt was not enough to keep him away.

While Jessie was more than aware for his predilection, she was not aware of the dark turn that it had taken over the past couple of years. Nor was she aware that increasingly it was Kris's fantasies of other men that he used to satisfy his sexual appetite. Kris began to see the world differently. He began to look at friends and co-workers differently. As sexual beings. He began to admire this one's ass, that one's tight abs. His frequent trips to the gyms became almost as much about clandestine admiration of the nude bodies of other men as it was about working upon his own physique.

The past year had been a roller coaster ride of guilt, shame and self-recrimination. Kris had increasingly pondered whether he himself was gay. It was something he had never really considered before. Unlike what he read of other's experiences, he had certainly never 'known' from an early age, never even fantasized about other boys/men. Not until he had opened that Pandora's Box on the Internet. 

Could it be that his upbringing had forced him to subvert his natural tendencies? To bottle it all up. As Freud would say, was he in denial for a lifetime? If so, where did that leave him? He certainly could not bring himself to break his wedding vows...not with another woman...or a man. He was no cheater. It was an internal war that raged for months, tearing him inside.

Six weeks ago, it had torn his 'perfect' family apart too. After months of indecision, he had finally made his choice. He could not live the rest of his life as a lie, not knowing the truth about who or what he was. He would not abandon his internal moral compass either so exploring behind his wife's back was out. He did the only thing he felt he could. He asked for a divorce.

Jessie had cried, pleaded and accused him of seeing other women (if only she knew). But he had stalwartly held the line, he was not happy. The marriage was not fulfilling him. He wanted a divorce. He knew that it was hard on Jessie. She could not understand...and he could not explain. Could expose this dark secret to the woman that had shared his life and bed for almost twenty years. 

It was tough on the children too. Even though they were older they could not understand. Unlike their friends' parents who got divorced, theirs did not argue and fight. There was no domestic violence. No, their seemingly stable life was just yanked out from under them.

Kris felt guilty, intensely guilty. Jessie had been a wonderful wife and perfect mother to their children. She had also been a good friend. The children had never been the rebellious kind, never gotten into any real trouble. And he was destroying it all. To explore his sexuality. So where did that leave this message? 

He had spent the past month re-organizing his life. His guilt had motivated him to tell Jessie that she and the children should remain in the family home. He was paying all the builds same as before. He had found a dingy one-bedroom apartment and furnished it quickly with flat pack furniture. It was functional, pristine and sterile. Just as his life had become. He worked, he saw his children on the weekends and he went to the gym to lust after other men. 

Until today. It was the weekend. Not his weekend to have the children, and since he had finally finished outfitting his small colorless living space there was nothing really for him to do. Except watch more Internet porn. Gay porn. Then a pop-up ad had boasted that he could hook up with other gay men...was he a gay man...in few minutes. All he had to do was download the app to his phone. 

He had. He had created a profile. As anonymous as possible of course, but then too so where most of the others. He had shaved a couple of years off his age. No one would want a thirty-nine year old basically gay virgin, he rationalized. Besides he did not look his age...or feel it. He felt like that teenager again, exploring his sexuality. He kept his narrative short. He was not looking to tell the world his history, his struggles, his story. So in the end, it read only, 'New to lifestyle. Looking to explore.' 

Of course, as he had suspected from his years of watching Internet porn, the cock pic that he had posted to his profile drew immediate attention. He had been swamped almost immediately with a dozen messages in his inbox. Most read, 'No way! That is fake.' It was odd that his cock size which had been such an impediment with his only two female lovers should attract such positive male attention. 

So for the past couple of hours Kris had sat on the balcony of his new apartment messaging strange men and sipping wine. A half dozen conversations. Some mundane. Some racy. But just the freedom to do so without hiding his phone every time that Jessie came into the room, just the almost guilt free capacity to engage in flirtations without feeling like he was cheating, was liberating. 

Then things got real. This kid...and at barely twenty that was how Kris saw him. He was only a few years older than his own children. A college student had messaged him. There had been no slow build up. No conversation what-so-ever. His first and only message had been two simple words...'Hook up?'

That question mark took on huge significance for Kris. That question mark represented his life. Everything that he had tossed aside...fifteen years of marriage, seeing his children every day, being an active part of their daily lives, a nice house in the suburbs. He had given all that up to explore his sexuality. For this opportunity. But when it came, it stared at him accusingly. As accusingly as Jessie had when she had screamed and shouted at him for being a selfish bastard and destroying all their lives.  

That question mark challenged him. That question mark said...do you have the courage? Do you really want to go down this path? Are you ready for this? Kris studied the horizon as the sun set. He drained the wine glass. It all came down to this. Was this what he really wanted? Was he gay? 

He shook his head as he typed the response. It had been almost fifteen minutes since the kid sent the message. He had probably moved on. Probably thought that Kris was ignoring him. So Kris did not expect any response when he typed...'yes.' But his phone pinged almost immediately. The rest was easy. They arranged to meet in a park not too far from his apartment, although far enough to make Kris comfortable. 

Half an hour? What was the rush, Kris thought. He looked down at his baggy sweat pants and t-shirt. It certainly was not the appropriate attire for a first date. But then again this was not a date at all. It was exactly what the message said...a hook up. Sex. Gay sex. For the first time in his life. 

He thought about grabbing another shower, but he had taken one just a few hours before after his work out at the gym. He was not really dirty. A quick sniff of the underarms of his t-shirt confirmed that. "Fuck it," he cursed as he went into his apartment and grabbed the car keys from the bar that separated the kitchen from the living room. He palmed them as he headed towards the door and out to his car.

His mind was a jumble of feelings as he drove the five miles to the park. Guilt once more raised its nasty head...this was what he had thrown away his marriage and family for? A hook up? In a city park? Then concern. He did not know anything about this young man. How did he know he was not being set up to be robbed and hurt? But that danger added an even darker element to the desire and lust that coursed through him as perhaps it never had. 

Not even his first fumbling experience by the falls with his high school sweetheart had felt this exciting. He had never felt as alive. As free. His cock was already hard. It was a good thing he had not changed out of the loose sweat pants. He needed the extra room for his throbbing erection. Had it ever been this big? Had he ever been this excited? He doubted it. 

At every red light, he rubbed his erection through the fleece material. The last of couple of them he had even pushed the waistband down to reveal the thick head as he stroked and waited for the light to change. His cock was throbbing. Pre-come oozed from its piss hole. He used it to lubricate the shaft as he stroked. After a lifetime of masturbation as his primary sexual outlet, Kris knew exactly how far he could push this game. How far he could go without coming. And he most definitely did not want to come yet. 

Kris looked at the digital clock on his dash board as he pulled into the parking lot. He was ten minutes early. He cursed his over zealousness. He did not want to appear some giddy, over-eager virgin. Not to a kid almost half his age. That idea was shocking. From the casual aplomb of the message, it sounded as if this was a normal occurrence for the man. As if this kid might actually be far more experienced than he was. 

He sighed and for a moment panic rose inside of him. This was it. If he did this, there was no going back. He was here to have sex...with a man. With another man. He played that idea over in his mind, over and over and over as he had for most of the past two years. Did he really want this? Was he gay?

He sighed as he pulled the keys from the ignition and stuffed them inside the pocket of his pants. There was only one way to find out for sure. He opened the door and the cool sea breeze hit his face. It was a refreshing breath of air. It carried the pungent aroma of fish, algae and sting of salt. 

He looked around the practically deserted park. A few joggers ran along the trail that followed the steep rocky cliffs overlooking the ocean. They seemed in a hurry as if they had tarried too long, gotten caught out beyond some imaginary curfew. He tried to relax, appear like he was just out for a casual stroll as he walked along that pathway towards the restrooms where he had arranged to meet the young man. 

He noticed a couple of other lone men strolling just as casually while surveying the scene around them. Were they here for the same reason? Was this some gay meeting place? 

He smelt the place before he saw it. Men's restrooms were notorious for their filth, especially public ones. This one was no different. Even in the dingy light of the lone bulb that hung alongside the single word 'Men,' the place looked disgusting. Kris figured it would have looked worse in the light of day. And this was the place where it would all begin? Where he would seek the answers for questions of identity that had plagued him for two years? That had cost him his family. Was he ready for this? That question mark reared its ugly head as he stared at reality.

Kinky Kris Ch. 02



Kris rolled sleepily over in bed. His cock pressed tightly against the firm bottom of his latest lover. He half smiled as he remembered the sex they had had the previous evening...and middle of the night. He considered initiating another round this morning but a quick look at the time on his phone told him that he did not have the luxury of even a quickie...not if he wanted to be at work on time..

And despite the change that his life had taken two years ago, he remained Mister Stability. At work he was the faithful steady and high performing senior manager that he had always been. Despite the high price of his divorce, his credit rating remained high; he never was late or missed a bill. And as ex-husbands and weekend dads went, he was top rated too. 

He and Jessie were even beginning to rebuild the friendship that had been the backbone of their fifteen year marriage. Of course, she still could not let go of the 'why' of their divorce. And he still could not explain his sexuality to his nice Christian ex-wife. Or his sons. His eldest was a senior in high school this year. He had decided to follow in his father footsteps...going to the same college and majoring in business too. His younger son was not as driven, more flighty, but then again he always had been. 

Yes, overall, Kris was as contented with his new life as he once had been with his old. A couple of months ago he had even begun his first gay relationship. Real relationship. Not just the casual hook-ups in men's restrooms in the park that had been the auspicious beginnings of this new life. 

He smiled as he turned on the cold water in the shower. Oh yes, his first time. He chuckled as he tested the temperature and stepped beneath the spray. Losing his gay virginity had been as messy as that first time with his high school sweetheart at the water falls. A dirty, smelly men's toilet by the beach. A place that he would not use to piss had been the setting for his first male-on-male experience.

He did have to give the kid, a twenty year old college student, his due though. He knew how to suck cock in a way that no woman ever had. So despite the setting, Kris had been hooked. While he had never again met with that guy, it had set the tone of his life as a 'gay man.' 

Although to be honest, he still had trouble reconciling that title with who he was. Perhaps it was his Christian upbringing, his fifteen year marriage, his career...he still was not sure. But for whatever reason, he did his damnedest to avoid the word...gay. He was simply a man who enjoyed having sex with other men...simple as. 

But after that auspicious beginning, Kris had continued to have secret liaisons with other men that he met through that gay matching app. Sometimes he would get busy with work or his children and go weeks without meeting anyone. And sometimes he would 'hook up' almost daily. A couple of times he had even doubled up...meeting two different men in the same day.

The beautiful thing about it was the easy access to sex. It was not the complicated battle of the sexes that had marked his two heterosexual relationships. It was not the...I have a headache, I don't feel like it, is that all you want...that had been his marriage. It was sex. Animalistic almost between two consenting adults. No expectations other than pleasure. No commitment. No strings attached in a way that Kris believed never could exist between a man and a woman.

And for a long while that had been enough. More than enough. Exactly what he was looking for. All he was able to give. But after a while he had begun to long for more. For companionship. For someone that was more than just an open mouth or a cute butt raised over a bathroom sink. 

Thing that was frustrating to Kris was that monogamy and relationship was not common in the gay community. Oh they happened. And could be every bit as stable or more so than his marriage had been. They were relationships just like all others...with give and take and compromises. 

The thing was that with heterosexual relationships evolution, biology and society dictated that the ultimate outcome was procreation and that stability was the best means of achieving that. Without that driving factor, many 'gay' men shunned the strictures of commitment and monogamy. Perhaps they felt that after a lifetime of the internal battles to accept themselves and the external wars with family and society to be accepted for who they were, they simply did not want to trade that hard-won freedom for a caricature of a heterosexual ideal. 

But Kris craved stability and connection. Hell, the thing he missed most about his ex-wife and marriage was cuddling in bed as they fell asleep. He supposed it was another reason that he disdained the 'gay' label. 

He pondered his next step as he reached for a towel. Of course, being in the closet, or on the down low as it was sometimes called, limited his options too. What did he have to offer a lover? It was not like he would be comfortable introducing him to his sons. "Boys, I'd like you to meet Daddy's new boyfriend," was not words he could ever imagine coming from his lips. And that would be easy compared to introducing someone to his ex-wife or heaven forbid his parents and brothers. 

He sighed as he finished drying off and put the towel neatly on the rack. He studied his reflection in the mirror as he applied the shaving foam. There were more and more white hairs peppered among the ebony ones, especially at his temples. And the tiny laugh lines around his eyes and mouth were not funny.

Forty-one. He was forty-one. And alone. Oh sure, he had his boys. He even saw his parents and brothers on a somewhat regular basis. He had a cadre of friends from work too. Guys and a couple of women with whom he regularly shared a beer and laugh. He supposed in this fast paced modern world he had as much connection as anyone. Practically speaking...had he really had anything more during those final years of his marriage? In fact, weren't he and Jessie doing better now as friends than they had as husband and wife?

So why did he still feel so fucking empty and alone? 

The door opened and his lover plodded into the bathroom. He could tell that Jason was still half asleep. As an actor, he had a great deal more freedom with his work than the nine to five that was the hallmark of Kris's Mister Stability world. Was that free-spirit what attracted him to the man? Or perhaps it was the pretty boy blonde looks and hot body that was the man's bread and butter? Or maybe it was the fact that both of them required the same level of discretion? 

"What are you up to today?" he asked casually as he began to apply the long steady strokes with the razor.

The sound of a steady stream of piss hitting the water in the toilet bowl was his only answer for a long moment. He winced when he heard the distinctive change in timbre that he knew meant his lover had in his sleepy state missed the bowl and instead pissed on the floor...again. He shook his head and bit his tongue, calculating when the maid would next be in. For now a quick wipe with the towelletes about whose purpose his lover seemed to have no idea would simply have to do.

The toilet flushed as he finished the last long swipe with his razor. He tried to actually remember a time in all of his fifteen year marriage when his wife had peed in front of him. He was somewhat shocked to discover he could not think of a single time. He shook his head and smiled, maybe there was something to be said for that kind of mystery in a relationship.

"I dunno. My agent said she might have an audition for me for some new television show. A rom com no less." The man replied groggily as he leaned against Kris's back, rubbing seductively. 

Kris turned and reached for a towel, escaping the man's obvious attentions. This was only the second time that he had allowed his lover to spend the night. He was still trying to figure out if the hassle of piss on his bathroom floor and dirty socks that were not his own ending up under the bed for the maid to find was worth it. 

"Okay, well, the front door locks behind you," Kris was torn. He was still more than a bit uncomfortable leaving a basically unemployed actor alone in his apartment. But they had been up late last night and it was probably unfair of him to kick the man out this early in the morning. He supposed he should have thought of that last night before telling the man he could stay.

"What time will you be back?" asked his lover as he followed him back into the bedroom, plopping down on his king size flat pack bed like he owned the place. In the two years since the separation Kris's apartment was still the same indescript, sterile, lifeless place it had been tat first month.

Kris grabbed his clothes and began to dress for work without further conversation with his lover. On one hand the silence was nice after years of nagging each morning from Jessie...can you do this, can you pick up that, don't forget. It had gone on and on. But at least her nagging had filled his life with something besides silence.

As he finished tying his tie and reached for his jacket, the silence was broken...by a snore from his lover. Kris shook his head and crossed the room to stand over the man. He truly was beautiful...male perfection. And the sex...well, it was damned good too. It would have to be for Kris to allow the man to spend the night. 

He sighed with some unknown and indescribable longing as he pulled the sheet up over his lover. He supposed if it had been a woman, he might have given a parting kiss, but that was a line that he had not crossed...at all in the two years as a 'gay' man. He thought about Julia Roberts in that movie as a prostitute...some things you just did not do.

***

It had been a bitchin' day at work. To make matters worse the LA traffic was worse that usual. And that was saying something. He looked at the clock on the dashboard of his new BMW. Eight-fifteen and he was at least another half an hour from the apartment. Especially as traffic was at a dead standstill. He checked the messages on his phone.

'bring home coffee...we r out.' 

"Lazy fucking asshole," Kris cursed as he slammed his hand against the steering wheel. It had been almost a month since that first morning and Jason had practically moved into his apartment. He could only think of a couple of night that the man had not slept there. 

To make matters worse, he had not invited the guy. They had never discussed this turn in their relationship. The man had simply still been in his apartment that night when he had come home from work. He had to admit that night it had been sort of nice. The guy had ordered Chinese in and even gone to the effort of setting the dining table that Kris only used when his son's visited. It had been refreshing to eat dinner, drink wine and share conversation with another human being after a long day at work. So Kris had not objected when he discovered an extra tooth brush by the sink in the bathroom. 

But over the weeks, it had been more than a tooth brush that had migrated to Kris's apartment. Clothes, other toiletries and even manuscripts that were just tossed around his apartment, discarded wherever the man could leave them. It was frustrating and Kris was approaching his limit. 

This weekend his sons would be over. And it was time he and Jason had a little chat about this new 'roommate' situation. The man could not be there when he had his boys. He should know that. His predilections were as much as secret from his agent and the Hollywood establishment as Kris's were. And he had to get his stuff out too. He would talk to the man about it tonight. As soon as he got home. This just could not continue.

Kris had fumed and cogitated over the situation all the way home. His frustration mixed and mingled with road rage until he was tense and edgy. He pulled into his allotted space at the complex. He noticed there was a taxi waiting in front of his building. Its trunk was stuffed with a couple of boxes. But he was too focused upon rehearsing what he would say to Jason to pay much notice.

He frowned as he noticed that door to his apartment was ajar. "Jason," he called out in that irritated tone of voice that he always used with his boys when he was disappointed with them. And he was definitely disappointed now...but whether it was with Jason or himself he was too tired, frustrated and busy to think about at the moment.

The smiling man appeared out of the kitchen and once more Kris was struck by just how handsome his lover was. For a moment he got lost in the masculine beauty and more than a touch of lust. 

"Hey, dude, I was just about to send you a text. I did not think that you would make it home before I left," the man said as he reached for his back pack on the end of the couch.

Kris gazed at him puzzled, "Leave? Where are you going?" he asked, almost forgetting that he wanted the man gone.

"My agent called. I got the lead. You remember that stupid rom com I auditioned for. Anyway I figure since the whole thing is the romantic guy-girl shit, I can't afford to be outed, right now. I know you understand, man. I mean it ain't like I wasn't your dirty little secret from your sons and family anyway. I suppose we both should have known this thing was not going anywhere," the man rambled on as he held out his hand.

Kris stared at the extended appendage. After weeks as his lover, daily cleaning up the man's piss from the bathroom floor, picking up his socks, and providing free room and board, it ended with a handshake. A cold and impersonal handshake? 

But Kris took the other man's hand anyway. He was a bit relieved when the man pulled him into a sideways hug at least. That was better, wasn't it? "Take care, man," he said as he simply disappeared out the front door closing it behind him.

Kris spent the next half an hour walking numbly around his apartment. He looked for some sign, any sign, that just hours ago his lover had shared the apartment with him. Hell, he even bent down and looked under the bed looking for missing socks. But there were none. It seemed that as his final parting gift the man had even discovered the use for the wipes kept on the back of the toilet. He had cleaned up his piss off the floor even. 

In the end, Kris had used his phone to order Chinese food from the same place that Jason had that first night. He had opened a bottle of white wine and was on his third glass by the time the food arrived. He sat on the balcony where it had all begun was it almost two years ago staring out at the night sky. Even though it was dark, you could not see a single star in the sky. Even the full moon was a hazy blur with the smog that plagued this city. 

Kris raised the bottle of wine and drained it. It was the second. He had abandoned all pretense of polite society after the first. Maybe the wine more than the smog accounted for the hazy moon? 

But what accounted for his hazy life? What accounted for the fact that even after two years...and he did not want to even think about how many lovers, correction sex partners, why could he not even admit he was gay? Why did he carefully avoid that word? 

Perhaps even more saliently how could he possibly reconcile this craving for the human connection of a relationship, waking up with every morning next to someone and falling asleep with that same person by your side every night, sharing conversations over dinner and all that went with that with being in the closet? How could he ever have the one if he was not willing to come out of the other?

He shook his head and threw the bottle off the balcony. At that moment he did not give a fuck if it was litter on the lawn or even if it hit someone on the head. The idea even appealed to him on some fucked up level...another person hurting if only a fraction of the pain and turmoil inside of him. 

He tried to stand up and go back inside for another bottle but he could not get his balance and fell back into the chaise lounge. "Fuck," he screamed into the chilly night air. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He raged at the universe. He wallowed in self-pity and loathing. He hated himself for having these urges. He hated himself more for being the weak pitiful man that could not admit it to himself, let alone others. 

And in the end, he picked up his phone from the table next to him and began trolling that app for his next hook up until he fell asleep where he sat in the brisk night air without even a blanket to cover him and protect him from the cold. But then that was nothing compared to the coldness that ate at his soul.



Kinky Kris Ch. 03



Kris for a time had returned easily to the world of gay saunas, hook ups in restrooms and that app. It was easy. Uncomplicated. Almost too easy perhaps. While his looks, aging as they were, could turn a couple of heads, his cock size made him top dog, prime meat even. The man that had spent the first half of his life bound by conventional, religious and heterosexual morality, the man who had just two female lovers, soon hit triple digits with his gay ones. 

Oh, he was not stupid. He was practically paranoid about AIDS. He was most definitely a safety man, carrying a large pack of condoms in his car, a whole fucking box by his nightstand, a few hidden in the couch in his living room and always a couple tucked away in his wallet...that he changed every month religiously. Although they rarely remained in his wallet that long. 

Kris also found his way to gay clubs. He had to admit though that the free and easy use of drugs such as heroine, cocaine, Ecstasy and ketamine, called Special K, was more of a turn off than anything. He did though love the loud, pounding bass music and the freedom to dance as he pleased until dawn. He became a regular at a couple of clubs and even a VIP at another. And he took more than his fair share of men home with him.

Young men. Men not much older than his own sons. If that bothered him at first, that he did not have many, if any lovers, his own age, then he soon came to rationalize it. How many men his age left their wives to marry much younger, prettier women? Trophy wives. Was a string of male lovers almost half his age any different really?

Then came the seven year itch. After seven years in the gay lifestyle, Kris began to really crave something more...much more. While he had all the sex he could handle, he truly did miss the connection of a loving relationship that he had shared for so long with his ex-wife. He missed the simple things like watching television together, talking and especially cuddling. 

He began to question whether it was all worth it. The casual easy sex with no strings attached began to wear exceedingly thin. He even tried dating a couple of women again. And while the Internet had changed the dating world since his marriage, it had not changed the games that women played with a man's head. It never took more than three months for him to tire of their petty, whining and needy clinging. And honestly, even the sex was not as good. 

Then the unthinkable happened...he began to have muscle cramps and little twitches that he tried to dismiss as too strenuous a work out at the gym. He started to drop things too. His pen at work, his keys when he tried to open the door, and once even the free weights at the gym. It was that accident that had sent him to the hospital. And while a few stitches were enough to close the gash on his forehead, the doctors were more concerned with what had caused the muscle weakness that had made him drop the barbell to begin with.

They had done a few tests in the emergency room and sent him to his family doctor who referred him to several specialists including a neurologist. It was a journey that took almost a year. Was it multiple sclerosis, spinal muscular atrophy or myasthenia gravis? And the tests...too mention and each nastier than the worse: a spinal tap, MRIs, CAT scans, blood tests and EMG. 

Electromyography or EMG was a nasty little one where they inserted needles into muscles to record electrical activities. It had been as bad as the spinal tap or lumbar puncture, except thankfully it had not left him with the headache from hell for almost a month. But the anomalies that showed up had been the key to diagnosis. When it came it hit Kris like a ton of bricks... Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis...ALS...Lou Gehrig's Disease.

While Kris had struggled for months to continue with his normal life, work, the gym, and yes, hook-ups, the diagnosis had hit him hard. He had spent years being ridiculously careful to avoid one nasty fatal disease, AIDS, only to be blind sided by another? In his darker moments then, even though he had long since shook off the religious dogma of his parents and ex-wife, or so he thought, he wondered about divine justice and punishment. 

He went a three day binger too. Two bottles of Scotch...one a really good one that he had always saved for a 'special' occasion. He even tried a couple of hits of cocaine and heroine, but he could not decide which was worse the manic, almost paranoid high of the cocaine or the fuzzy disconnected out of body world of heroine. Some experiences were definitely a case of once is enough. 

He had even given serious thought to abandoning his safe sex practices. After all what was the point now? But then in one of those rare moments of clarity from those dark clouds he knew...other people. He could infect his partners. And while he might be dying there was no need to kill others. 

Even after his three day binge, he continued to wallow like that pig in its own piss and shit for a good three months. He drank too much, way too much. A bottle of wine every single night after work. And every weekend was a hedonistic frenzy of booze and sex. His boys were at college and rarely came to see the old man anymore so what else was there to do? 

Oh, sure, he still saw his parents and surprisingly his relationship with his ex-wife had actually transformed into a solid friendship. They met for lunch every couple of weeks just to talk. About the boys sure, but also about their lives. He knew that she still had questions about what had gone wrong in their marriage, but he simply could not bring himself to tell her the truth. Her religious background could never accept that he was gay.

He was gay. That was perhaps one good thing about the diagnosis...he finally came to accept himself. When you know you are dying, and do not have some imaginary friend or higher power to whom to turn, honesty with yourself is all that is left. And sitting alone on his balcony, staring at the stars as he sipped wine every night after work, Kris had a lot of time to think about things. Being gay was chief among them.

He did not regret a single one of his 'adventures,' his lovers. He had discovered so much about himself along this path...and about the world. He supposed his only real regret was that he had never found 'it', 'him', the one, true love. As wonderful as the sex had been, the fact that there had never been, and never would be, a male counter-part to Jessie, his ex-wife, well it left a bit of a hole in Kris's heart. 

Then it happened. He happened. As if by magic, Raul came into Kris's dark world and brought the light with him. He was a social worker. A decade or so younger than Kris, so not a kid by any stretch. But he was handsome, and smart, and caring...and tough when he needed to be. 

They had met as the ALS began to advance. Raul's job was to work with patients and families to put care plans into effect. To help them to plan how they would live the rest of their lives. It was a daunting task that Kris had been trying to avoid for months, but it had been driven home to him when his career came to a screeching halt. 

He had had a huge presentation to deliver to a potential client...tens of millions if not hundreds rode on his presentation. And the ALS picked that moment to impede his speech. He stood frozen in front of a room of dozens of top level executives stuttering and stammering like a kid in high school giving his first speech in English class. The repercussions were immediate. He was dismissed...after over twenty-five years with that company. Perhaps if he had told them about the ALS... But Kris did not want or need their pity. He would rather be dismissed for failing to do his job than admit that he no longer could.

Of course, he was then forced to face the rough truth. He could not keep going on the way he was now. There were more and more days that he simply could not climb the flight of stairs to his second floor apartment that he had had since he left Jessie. He had gone through so many broken plates and glasses that he finally gave up and just used plastic now. Now he had no job and with the ALS advancing as it was, no real hope of finding another. 

So he had been referred to a social worker by a charity that worked with his doctor. That word alone bothered him. Kris was the man that gave to charities, not accepted help from them. He had not known what to expect. He had experience with social workers or counselors. He had always made his own way. 

When Raul came over that first time, Kris had honestly thought about just not going to the door. Not only did he not want to face the truth about his situation but he was having a bad day and getting to that door would not be easy as it was. 

He was pleasantly surprised though when he opened it to the smiling man with Latino good looks and soft, caring brown eyes. But it was that smile which Kris both loved and hated. It was so reassuring, offering warmth, kindness and hope. But those were all false promises given the facts. He was dying...and he would do it alone. 

He had reluctantly let the man into his apartment. He was more than glad when the man refused his offer of something to drink, he really did not have the energy of that one. They sat down and began to discuss Kris's situation. He really did not like discussing such things with friends, let alone strangers. To admit that he was estranged from his family, had no one he could count upon to care for him, and now no job and income was brutal to this proud man. 

And with each word, the light of compassion grew in Raul's soft brown eyes. That first meeting had lasted two hours and by the time it was over, honestly Kris was just about ready to call it quits. The easiest solution might just be to end it all before things got any worse. But Kris had never been a quitter.

Just when he had been lost in those dark thoughts, Raul's strong, light brown hand covered his. "I think that is more than enough for today, Kris. There is a lot for us to think about. But I think the first thing we need to figure out is how you are going to tell your family."

Tell his family? Kris had been living as a gay man for almost a decade and he had not told them about his sexuality. Now this man wanted him to tell his parents and sons that he was dying? A slow and debilitating death that would make him a burden to them, rob him of even the ability to speak and finally suffocate him as his own diaphragm forgot how to breathe. He shook his head and thought once more about the easy way out. 

"I know it is not easy but that is part of my job. To help you figure out when and how to tell them. Is there anyone else we need to inform? A girl friend or lover perhaps?" he asked.

Kris shook his head, "My ex-wife I suppose, but there has not been anyone serious in my life in a long time."

The man smiled and nodded his head, "I understand."

Kris shook his...as he fought back the need to scream and rage at the universe. 'NO, no, you do not understand. How can you? You are not dying. Alone and dying.' But instead he held it all inside and made another appointment for the man to visit the next week.

That week was long...too long. Without even his job to distract him, Kris was going through two bottles of wine a day. Perhaps he could dismiss his stumbling to that? He tried to be brave and nonchalant over lunch with Jessie. He even made the best of losing his job with little white lies about downsizing. Things were not critical financially he assured her. And they would not be either...if there were not huge medical bills and care needs...if he could expect to find another job. But he could not burden Jessie with any of that. 

That was what he had Raul for. The man began a series of weekly visits to help Kris plan...his death. That was how he saw it anyway. He certainly was not planning his life...that was over. But the funniest thing was that over the weeks he began to actually look forward to those visits from the smiling man as they began to pick apart his life. It was not easy. None of it. 

Kris was surprised at the support he got when he told his parents, his boys and Jessie. Hell, his ex-wife took to having their weekly lunches at his apartment and cleaning it as well. His sons, perhaps realizing that this was their final chance for closure with their old man, began to visit more often and phone too. But it was his parents who were most difficult. They were not in the best of health themselves, but his mother took it hard, feeling the need to baby her baby. Kris had to put some firm limits in place for her...and for him.

But it was the day when Raul brought up the subject of sex that proved most interesting. He pointed out that rarely did the course of this disease effect such things. It was an exceedingly embarrassing moment for Kris. How did you explain that hot young men did not want to hook-up with sick old men? In the end, Kris had looked at the floor and sheepishly muttered, "It just does not apply. There is no one in my life and never will be." He had thought about it for a moment before adding that declaration that he had made only to himself. "I am gay." It was the first time he had ever said those words aloud...to anyone.

Once more that soft brown hand covered his and he looked up to that reassuring smile, "I thought so. But was it really so hard to say that?"

Kris had laughed and the two men got to talking then. Raul had stayed for dinner. And although he said nothing, crossed no professional line, Kris began to get suspect the truth. 

The consultation was designed to be a six to twelve week program of estate planning and counseling. Kris's pushed that twelve week mark as they filled out paperwork necessary to begin disability. They looked for a care facility...fancy word for nursing home. Kris was determined that he would not be a burden to his sons or parents...or Jessie either during his final days. 

But in the end, they got there. All the final plans were made. Right down to his memorial service and the song he wanted played, 'My Way.' As the opened the bottle of wine and the Chinese food arrived for the celebration they had planned, Raul seemed to be watching the time.

Kris was so shocked that the bottle of wine slipped through his fingers and shattered on the floor when at five-oh-one Raul leaned in and kissed him. It was not a gentle one. Not some pity one either. It was full-on. And as stunned Kris was it took him only a moment to recover enough to wrap his arm around the man's shoulder and return the damned thing. 

It was a new experience for him. Despite all his lovers, never once had he actually allowed one of them to kiss him. He discovered he liked that too. Nothing soft and yielding about kissing a man. It was a battle for dominance that took his breath away and caused his cock to stir...something it had not done in a long while. Too long. 

Clothes were strewn across the kitchen, living room, and hallway. An obvious trail to the bedroom. His bed where for once it was about more than just sex. Although damn was that good too. After the second round of orgasms for them both, they lay talking in one another arms. 

Kris discovered that Raul had been attracted to him from the beginning but bound by a professional code of conduct that even now he was bending. But he simply could not break it in all these long weeks. He also could not recuse himself from Kris's case, could not simply turn the man he loved...that word hit as much like a ton of bricks as ALS had...Raul could not turn his case over to another social worker. One for whom he would have been nothing more than a job. He wanted or perhaps needed to see it through to the end...even if it had gone no further. If Kris had not been interested, if he had rejected him, it was the one gift of love that he had to give...a future.

And he had given Kris just that. They had had eighteen months before things got worse. After that first night, Raul had packed a bag and they had gone to Raul's house which was all on one floor. Within in month, Kris had given notice and moved. They had so many nights of love in that house. So many hours of laughter. And then tears too. 

Raul wanted desperately for Kris to remain there. He fought him every step of the way when Kris insisted it was time for him to move to the hospice they had once chosen together. They had even fought...one part of a relationship that they had avoided until then. But in the end, Kris had won. He could not let Raul quit his job in order to care for him.

There was only one thing that marred it all. In all those months, a year and a half, they had lived it as a lie. To Kris's family anyway. They were roommates...friends...Raul was simply his carer. But Kris knew how damned much it hurt this man, the love of his life, that he could never, would never acknowledge him, admit their feelings for one another. 

Oh Kris justified it. His parents' health could not take it. It was a cruel final pain to inflict on Jessie. And of course, his boys. Over time they were beginning to forgive him for leaving their mother...and them. But would they if they knew he had done it for men...because he was gay?

Kris was not sure. And the saddest truth was that he was not brave enough to find out. But neither was he cruel enough to have the man he loved most in this world pushed to the side as a friend and carer when he was gone. He knew he was taking the crowds way out with this one but it was honestly the best he could do. 

He nodded to the nurse. He was long past the point of being able to hold his cell phone. Let alone push that tiny button that would begin the video recording. In fact, each word that he forced out was painful and cost him so very much. So he would keep this as short as he could. 

"I am gay. And I love Raul. Please if you can accept us and him." He nodded again. Actually it was more like his head dropped in resignation as he used the last of his energy. But at least he knew that this video would be sent...the moment that he died. He had arranged it all. As inadequate as it was...it was the best he could give the man he loved with all his heart. He could only hope that Raul would forgive him for not loving him better. He deserved so much more that Kris could ever be. 

Kris sent a prayer...if there was such a thing...that someday this amazing man would find someone to love him the way he deserved to be love. To find the happiness that he had given Kris. If anyone deserved it, it was this selfless friend, companion and lover. Kris was only sorry that he was not a strong enough person to be that man...