9 comments/ 22051 views/ 19 favorites Becoming Myself Ch. 01 By: mochakink Dear Readers, It's been a really long time since I posted and I promised that I would put pen to paper, so to speak, before the end of this year, This may not get posted until after the new year, but the sentiment is still there. It's time for me to start to keep my promises... especially those that I've made to myself. Thank you for all of your comments and support over the years. Your comments have kept me going at times. Now onto the story... Enjoy! ~M * The blank nothingness that was ever-present in my mind slowly started to recede and I felt myself coming into consciousness. The first thing that I felt was a blank wall of consuming pain. The kind of pain that rips a scream from your very core. I began to completely panic, wanting to flail my arms but feeling like I was weighed down under heavy blankets locked into place. Heavy moans and groans came from my mouth as I also realized that there was something blocking my airway. I was vaguely aware of blinking sounds and alarms going off. "Mr. Rutherford!" I heard being called over and over. It took me a minute to realize that it was a voice I didn't recognize. "Mr. Rutherford, you are on a ventilator, please do not move!" All of a sudden there was an influx of people in the space I was in. It still hadn't registered where I was or how I'd gotten there. All I knew was that I was in pain and that I was in a full on panic. "Sir!... Sir, please calm down. Let me look at your eyes. We'll give you something for pain momentarily. Just hold on sir." Whatever they did or whatever they gave me put me out like a light. I guessed that I was breathing ok because the next time that I came to, I was only aware of the pain, but there was no tube down my throat. I groaned and moved my head to the side a little. There was a man sitting in a chair next to me. My vision was blurry as the man got up. Soon the flurry of activity happened again and I was sent back into oblivion. After what seemed like an eternity passed, with the only indication that days had gone by being the changing of the shadows on the ceiling, I was finally alert enough to completely open my eyes. The pain had ebbed ever so slightly as the time passed and I was able to focus on something else. Now what else there was to focus on? Staying conscious long enough to have a complete thought was the only thing I was trying to focus on. That and the blurry figures that I kept seeing around me. Why couldn't I place any of them? Why didn't I know any of them? Sometime later I came to and was almost sitting up. I'd figured out that I was in a bed a while ago, but where I was I couldn't tell. I looked to my left and felt elated that my vision was clear. I saw monitors of all sorts steadily beeping away. Well that solved it, I was in a hospital. Why I was there or what happened to put me there was still a mystery. I looked to my right and my breath hitched. Next to my bedside sat the most beautiful creature I'd ever laid eyes on. His hair was too long to be fashionable, falling about chin length. His hair was a dark brown, tinged with flecks of gold around the curled tips. I couldn't see his eyes because he was asleep, but something told me that they were charcoal grey , deep and soulful. His face was rugged and chiseled with many days growth of a beard. If I'd felt halfway good, I know I would have plumped at the sight of him. He seemed so familiar to me and yet not familiar at all. I hoped he was mine and that whatever was going on with me would be handled with him by my side. I felt better already. I must have sighed because he gave a start and woke up. I smiled at his exaggerated antics. He stretched widely and yawned. He sounded like a bear coming out of hibernation. He looked all around, maybe wondering what had awoken him. When his eyes, yes they were grey, landed on me he smiled really widely. Whew, he never had to speak a word If he didn't want to. That smile was enough to make me co-sign a loan. "Hey guy, you're awake. Let me call a nurse." His voice was like pure silk to my ears, even as gruff and tired as it sounded. There were immediately people bustling in and out. One particular nurse was being utterly ridiculous. "Sir, do you know what year it is?" To which I replied, "Well I'm going to assume that it's still 2010, unless I've been in here long enough to ring in the new year." That got a chuckle from the nurse as well as my mystery hunk. The smiling nurse began checking my vitals and asking me a series of questions. "Do you know where you are?" "The hospital", was my reply. "Do you know why you are here?" I stared blankly for a minute trying to recall anything from before I woke up in the hospital. When my brow furred and I didn't immediately answer, my hunk squeezed my arm. I felt the heat radiating from his touch. Quietly I whispered, "I don't remember." I'd been riding on a high looking at the hunk at my bedside and the first trickling of fear began to invade my thoughts. The nurse paused for a second, frowning a bit. "Sir, do you know your name?" I looked around at the faces, now colored with concern. I started to hyperventilate. I couldn't remember. Everything in my brain was an empty cavern. I couldn't place the hunk because I couldn't remember him. I didn't know if he was mine because I had no recollection of anything. "Honey! Honey!" I heard this voice calling out through the throng of people that descended on my bedside. I looked towards the hunk, hoping against hope that it had been him calling out to me. There was a woman standing in the doorway looking frantic. She came rushing into the room. "Oh, honey, you're awake!" "I was so worried. We'll get you all better!" She must have seen the blank look on my face once she stopped babbling. The doctor took her aside and began explaining things to her. I still didn't know who she was. She looked a little like me. Maybe she was my sister coming to check on me. I heard her gasp and break down crying. She walked over to me and laid her hand on my arm. There was no warmth in her touch. She was as cold as ice. I'd never seen a more stricken human being. She had to be a family member. Everyone was looking around with different degrees of misery on their faces. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. "Are you my sister?" I asked. She starred open-mouthed at me for the longest time and whispered as tears streamed down her face. "No, I'm your wife." * Thank you for reading the first installment. Comments are always appreciated. ~M Becoming Myself Ch. 02 Dear Readers, This is the second installment of this series. Sorry that it's taken so long. This installment is a bit lengthier. I've enjoyed going on this ride with the protagonist. I hope you come along. This is not a stand alone, so please read the first chapter. As always, comments are appreciated! ~M * Shock does not even begin to compute with what I was thinking and feeling. This woman was standing there with tears in her eyes looking distraught, and she was my WIFE! I tried my hardest to not look at the guy to my right, but my eyes slid over to him anyway. Who was he? ... And why did I feel more for him than my supposed wife? I hung my head, and let the tears fall. Whatever happened to me was worse that I could have expected. I glanced down at my hands, well the one that wasn't bandaged. I noticed that although my hand was badly bruised and swollen, there was no ring on my left hand... there wasn't even a tan line. I held my hand up and asked, "Why aren't I wearing a ring?" It was the only safe question that I could ask. I couldn't exactly ask why in the hell I had a wife when I was gay. It was just something I was going to have to sort out when my memory returned... if it returned. My wife... god that sounded weird, pulled out a jewelry bag, one of those small ones you put earrings in and showed me some bloody pieces of gold. "Your hands were damaged in the accident and your ring was cutting off circulation because of all the swelling so it had to be cut off." My wife said. "Can anyone tell me what the hell happened to me and why I can't remember anything from before whatever happened?" My frustration was evident and so was my fear. The doctor stepped forward with a look of concern. "You were on a construction site. From what we can ascertain, a pile of lumber was not secured, you walked to the side of the truck and when it went to move, the lumber came loose and buried you. You somehow blocked your face with your hands, hence the damage to your hands. You were very lucky in that the lumber was a stack of 2x4's and also wasn't stacked that high. That coupled with the fact that the wood created an almost barrier against itself and didn't completely crush you means that you are very lucky to be alive." The doctor rambled on but said that everyone needed to clear the room so that he could actually discuss my condition. I didn't remember any of that. Not why I was even at a construction site or almost being crushed by wood. My wife put her hand against my cheek stating that she didn't want to hear about my injuries again. Once everyone had cleared out I learned about all the shit that'd happened to me and what I had to look forward. I almost wished that the accident had killed me. The largest of my problems was the amnesia, which was attributed to the accident. I asked him why I knew certain things like who the president was or what a hospital was. He stated that this was a good sign. My memory of outside events, or things external to me seemed to be intact. I couldn't remember about me personally or my life. The doctor assured me that there was ample time to assess the extent of my amnesia and that my current condition was a good sign. Now let's get onto my physical injuries. I already knew that my hands were damaged and my right one was even bandaged. My whole head was bandaged because my brain swelled and I had to have surgery to relieve the pressure, hence the medically induced coma. My left shoulder was badly damaged; I'd already had one surgery on it and was looking at a lot of rehab if not more surgery. My legs were badly bruised but otherwise ok. I had a broken ankle, a fractured collarbone, and a multitude of bruises and lacerations. Yeah I felt really fucking lucky. I asked how long I'd been in a coma. Because the doctors were most concerned with the swelling in my brain, they'd done everything from icing me down to reduce my body temperature; they'd also given me some drug to help. When all of that didn't seem to work, they'd done surgery to decrease the pressure in my skull. When that didn't work they put me in a medically induced coma. Although I'd only been in the coma for a little less than a week, it took far longer for me to regain consciousness. Not mentioning all of the things that had happened before that, I'd been out of it for over a month. I'd been in and out of consciousness. Now where would I go from there? Here's the kicker... I still didn't know my damned name or what I even looked like. I knew that in amnesia cases, the doctors liked for the memories to come back on their own, but surely there were some things that I could be told. I knew that my face was bruised and that I was pretty heavily bandaged, but I needed to see a picture. "Doc?" I said. "What's my name?" He looked at me with sympathy, and a little of something else that I didn't want to describe. "Your name is Marvin Rutherford... and your wife's name is Vivian." I lulled over that name, turning it around in my head. I didn't like the name. It sounded sort of nerdy. I passed the day trying not to talk to anyone. I had a lot to think about. I tried to keep my recovery in the forefront of my mind, but it wasn't easy with all of the large questions hanging over my head. Namely, things like my wife and the fact that I was gay. Although the gay thing wasn't sitting with me well either. Unless I was just a complete bastard trying to live 'straight', I didn't know what to think. The next day after my physical therapy my wife came in. I was so uncomfortable with her. I felt that she had expectations and I just couldn't fulfill them. "Do you have a picture of me?" I asked. I was burning to know if I matched my name. I was kind of hoping that I didn't look like a total loser. She looked a little startled that I'd spoken, but looked into her purse. "Sure Marvy, honey, let me get my phone." I groaned, "Please don't call me that, it sounds so sappy." I looked at her face and almost winced at the hurt on her face. She pulled out her phone and went to her photos. She went to a file with our names on it. She scrolled through the photos of us. I had to admit that we made a handsome couple. My hair was black flecked with silver, especially at the temples. I looked to be about early to mid forties. I couldn't see my body, but my suits seemed to hang nicely. I had blue eyes, long straight eyelashes. My lips were a bit thin, but my smile seemed to be bright, if not a little crooked. I had a slight dimple in my chin. Not bad for someone named Marvin. My wife was very pretty with her long chestnut hair, bright green eyes, and pouty lips. She looked to be in her late thirties. Looking at the pictures did nothing to stir my memories or my lust. I felt nothing for her. "Why was I at a construction site?" I asked her. She looked nothing like the pictures now. Her face was red blotched from lack of sleep and crying. Her hair was in a crazy ponytail and she looked extremely tired. I knew she cared and we must have had a good relationship. So how the hell did being gay fit into all of that? She placed one hand over her mouth and another across her middle. It made me think about children. I hoped to god that we didn't have any children. I knew that my life would never be the same. She cleared her throat, "You own a construction company, there were problems at one of the sites and the foreman couldn't keep his story straight. You went down there to see for yourself what the problem was because you didn't want to fire the foreman without being sure that he was the problem. You and the foreman were arguing and he walked away from you just as the truck was moving with the 2x4's. You know the rest." None of that was familiar. It was so frustrating. She stayed until visiting hours were over. We didn't talk much. The doctors really didn't want anyone giving me too much information. I did find out that we didn't have any children because I didn't want any. That gave me pause. I didn't think I had anything against children, but if I were gay, bringing children into a marriage with a woman, was a very bad idea. I didn't like the idea of this double existence, even if it were only a mental thing that I never acted on. ........................................................................................................................................................................................ As the days passed I started to slowly heal. I had some problems with how I was going to walk. Between the damage to my hands, my shoulder and my broken ankle, I couldn't use a walker and could only use one crutch. It would have been comical the first time they tried to get me up if it hadn't caused me so much pain. I had no idea how large I was before the accident, but I seemed to have lost a considerable amount of weight. I hadn't seen the mystery man but I was glad for that. I didn't need the complication of his presence. That was my thinking until he showed up one morning holding a bag that smelled like heaven. I instantly felt guilty at my reaction to him. My heart rate sped up, my cock lurched, and I swear that I was breathing differently. My awareness of him was unsettling. "What is your name?" I asked. He came to stand by my bedside and his scent assailed me. He smelled like soap, aftershave, and man. His own masculine scent was driving me up a wall. "I'm Jarred." He replied. God, that name fit him. I was suddenly hit with these images of arguments, fragments of conversations. All I could make out was my voice when I said his name. Sometimes I spoke softly, sometimes I was yelling at the top of my lungs. It was like watching a skipping reel. The jolt was physically apparent, and Jarred looked at me with concern. I knew that there was nothing I could do with those snippets, but Jarred had been the only person to spark any kind of recognition. I looked at the bag in interest. He held it up and smiled. "I brought you something that might jog your memory." He said. He pulled out a clear plastic tin with something that looked like cookies with frosting on top. He gave me one and oh my goodness, in comparison to all that hospital food, I swore I had never tasted anything so good. It was a red velvet cookie with chocolate oozing in the center with frosting on top. Without thinking I said, "God Jarred, I haven't had these in years, how the hell are these warm? You couldn't have made these at home when you live three states away..." I kept munching, intermittently sipping my water. I looked at him expecting an answer when I realized that I'd made the utterance and I'd remembered. That was the second time I'd remembered something and it was all because of him. His only response was to arch an eyebrow and smile. He sat down and I knew, just knew that his being there wasn't common. "We don't visit, do we?" To which he shook his head 'no'. I saw his eyes lose some of the mirth that had been there. "We were friends?" He nodded yes to my question. "But we aren't anymore, right?" He looked like he was going to shake his head 'no', but he stopped and hung his head. "Marv, I'll always be your friend, but..." He paused and didn't want to go on. "I don't think you are my friend anymore. You don't like me very much." He said. He looked like there was a lot more to it, but I knew he wasn't going to tell me. "But you came," I whispered. "I supposedly don't like you and we aren't friends, but you came... why?" He shrugged, "Like I said Marv, I'll always be your friend." He sat down and put his face in his hands. His pose reminded me of something. I saw it like a movie in my mind. "You what?!" I yelled. Jarred looked at me with pain in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen Marv, I promise you that." Jarred was so distraught and I was so angry at him. The flashback left me even more confused as to why I would be so angry with him. That must have been the last time that we spoke. "Why was I so angry with you?" I asked him. He looked like he didn't want to answer. "You didn't exactly take it well when I told you I was gay." He had a sad smile on his face. I sure in the hell didn't seem to have a problem with him now. I'm no shrink, but I could tell that whatever happened between us was more about my own issues. Why else would I have no problem with him and even be attracted to him if I had a problem with him being gay? I gasped my reply as my eyes bugged out of my head. "I have a problem with you being gay? And you came to see me anyway? God, I must be a total fucking dick." I shook my head in disbelief. It looked like I hadn't been honest with anyone, myself included. He looked a little weirded out about my response, but he answered anyway. "Yeah, well I just needed to make sure you'd be okay. I knew you hadn't told your wife about it when she called, so I came. You were my best friend. Plus, it isn't like you could get up and kick my ass." He added the last bit with a smile. "You can still ask me to leave though." He added barely above a whisper. "No, don't go. I don't know what was going on with me, but I need to sort it out. I have nothing against you. I don't know if it's because of this blank slate that my mind has become, or what. But I don't care. I need all of the friends I can get." I smiled at him as I spoke. He visibly relaxed. We didn't get to talk too much because I had physical therapy, and then my wife came. I felt bad knowing that I'd rather sit quietly with Jarred than talk to my wife. I was also concerned that I'd only started remembering things with Jarred. Jarred left soon after and I felt the loss of his presence. In that moment, I was ready to go home, ready to try and piece together the tatters that my life had become. ........................................................................................................................................................................................ Physical therapy was a bitch but I was slowly getting stronger and stronger. I did find that food seemed to be my link to unlocking my memories. After Jarred's cookies, I asked my wife to start bringing my favorite foods and to not tell me what she was making in advance. That seemed to brighten her mood and she stopped looking so worried. One day she brought me some stuffed venison, garlic mashed potatoes with sautéed baby carrots. The minute I smelled the food, I was taken back to what I assumed was the first time that I'd had it. My wife was trying to impress me; she'd invited me over to dinner at her place. By the time I arrived, she was a mess. I wasn't early, but she definitely was frazzled. Her hair was out of place, she had food stains on her blouse, and she hadn't put any shoes on. She looked so lost that we couldn't help but laugh. I suggested that we forgo the fancy dinner and just have fun. I set up everything in her breakfast nook and ignored the formal dining area. I started the cleaning in the messy kitchen that looked like a bomb had hit it, and by the time she'd changed I'd rolled up my sleeves, kicked off my shoes and taken off my tie. We had a wonderfully intimate night and the food was delicious. I'd started falling for her then. I was brought back to the present when I finished off the last of the food. My wife brought out dessert and I waited anxiously for her to open the carton. Inside were coconut macaroons. I smelled it and felt my stomach lurch. I had no memory of loving those things. I sat back, no longer feeling any anticipation. "I'm sorry, I don't think I like that." I felt bad for telling her that. She gave me an impish smile. "Well at least you finally admit it. You used to eat it just to appease me." My wife laughed at my relieved look. "God Viv, I hate those things. You're a wonderful cook, but coconut makes me hurl." I laughed with her and frowned as I saw her eyes tear up. "That's the first time you've really said my name since all of this." She laid her hand on my arm. I really felt like an ass. All of these memories that I'd gotten a snippet of didn't make any sense to me. I didn't feel love for her now, or even lust. What kind of man was I? She saw that my mood had gone sour. We talked about benign topics for a while and then I made her promise to go home for a few days and pamper herself. She deserved it. Those last few days that I was in the hospital were the most peaceful I'd had. No wife, no Jarred, no expectations that I couldn't fulfill. I'd gotten to know the staff and was very comfortable with them, but I was damn glad to get out of there. I was able to hobble around now a bit more comfortably. They wheeled me out of the hospital, my wife at my side. We got to the entrance of the hospital and there he was. Jarred was leaning against a black SUV and was holding a 'get well soon' balloon. That smile of his just made me want to either howl in frustration or blow my load all over the pavement. Somehow, I made it into the backseat without getting a complete boner over Jarred's gentle touch. I knew he was just helping, but my nerves were shot. It was a good thing that I was so banged up; my actions were attributed to being jostled into a car. My wife hopped into the driver's seat and Jarred slid into the passenger seat. We began the journey into the unknown as I thought of it. I didn't know what my house looked like or which direction it was in. We pulled up to a two story grey stone house with a circular drive way. It looked to be on about one acre. I got settled into one of the downstairs bedrooms, grateful that during my recuperation I wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed as my wife. Most of the furniture in the room had been removed and some of the equipment ordered from the physical therapist was placed around the room. I won't bore you with the minute details of my recovery. Physically, I was doing better than expected; my body just needed time to heal. My mind, however, was another matter. I still didn't really have any semblance of who I was or what I was about. Things came to a head for me about three months after I'd been home. The snippets that I'd been seeing weren't making any sense, but I seemed to be having some vivid dreams. I'd wake up feeling like I'd run a marathon, drenched in sweat, or so hard I wanted to plow through brick. Each time I'd wake up, the dream would fade and I couldn't remember any of it. One morning that I woke up, I remembered the dream. Jarred walked up to me and placed his hands on my arms. We were already naked. He began kissing me, claiming my mouth in a fierce kiss. I realized that I was about two inches shorter than him, putting me at the perfect height to nibble on his neck. He grasped my hair at the base of my neck with one hand, and tilted my chin up with the other. The look in his stone grey eyes was a swirling of molten lava. He wanted me and I certainly wanted him. There was nothing that I wouldn't do to continue this moment. He walked me backwards and I fell onto the bed. His hands roamed all over my body making my skin tingle. It felt natural and fluid, as if it was a normal occurrence. He lightly kissed and bit my thighs, making me groan in anticipation. He kissed my cock but didn't linger. He quickly made his way up my torso to my neck where he sucked hard, marking not just my tender flesh but my soul as well. He moved along my jawbone back to my mouth. He kept moving up until his balls were resting on my chin and the base of his cock was resting on my lips. I couldn't help but kiss his cock reverently. His seven inches of cut and thick meat was so warm against my lips. I tried to move my head to get the head in my mouth but I couldn't. I moved my chin downward so I could lap at his balls. I heard him groan. My arms were roaming all over his back as I gave his balls a tongue bath. I licked my fingers as I took a break from his balls. There were no words spoken, there didn't need to be. I lubed my finger with spit and began playing with his bud. He was moaning loudly by now. I slowly slid my finger into his tight ass. He rose up, dislodging my finger and flipped around. He attacked my cock while lifting my legs. He massaged my balls with his hand while probing my bum. I'd all but forgotten about the beautiful cock in my face. I began lapping at his cock, licking up all of his cock honey. He doubled his efforts on my cock, slurping it from root to tip. I knew exactly where this was going. Becoming Myself Ch. 02 I came hard against his throat, unable to bring him off with me. I knew that this was his plan. He whipped back around, rooted around in a drawer and found some lube. He pushed one and then two fingers into my opening, getting me ready to accept him. I was so ready. I pulled him down to me kissing him deeply while arching myself into his gentle probing. When I began to whimper, he knew I was ready. He leaned back against his calves and lined up his cock with my winking hole. He slowly slid in until his silky curls were nestled against my ass. He waited for me to become accustomed to his size. We made love as slow stroked me. When he leaned back down, the angle of his thrusting changed and he began stroking my prostate. The sensation sent ripples of pleasure coursing through me. I began humping into him, trying to make him go faster, needing him to go faster. He got the message as I tore at his back arching into him. He sped up, reaching between us to pump my cock. He leaned down to kiss my nipple. As he pumped faster and faster, he began biting my nipple. As we built to our peak, he suddenly bit me hard, groaning around my nipple as his cock lurched, swelled and began pumping his load into my ass. When he'd bitten me, I lost it and came, making it all the more hot that our orgasms melded into each other. As Jarred slowed and stilled against me, I whispered to him, "I love you." He smiled warmly at me and kissed me, staying in me until he grew soft and slipped out. He rolled off to my side and gathered me to him. We fell asleep together and it was honestly the happiest I ever remember being. As I'd come out of the dream, I realized that I was sticky with cum. Tears were flowing from my face as I realized and knew within my soul that my dream had not only never happened, but it hadn't been the first time I'd had it or one similar. I loved him, I really did. How could I marry a woman? Becoming Myself Ch. 03 Dear Readers, This is the third installment of the series. The story is on a slow burn, so I hope you'll buckle in and take this ride with me. Oh, and this isn't a stand alone, so peek at the first chapters please. As always, comments are appreciated. Enjoy! ~M The ringing of the phone weaved its way into the dream I was having involving me waking Jarred up with a sloppy blowjob. I groaned twofold or maybe threefold. I didn't want the dream to end, but then I'd been having similar dreams like these for weeks and I was exhausted from the strain of them. I also didn't want to speak to anyone right after waking up. "Hello", I grouched into the phone, wincing at how husky my voice was, still laced with desire from the dream. "Hey, buddy, how's the noggin going? How are you feeling?" said Jarred in that silky smooth voice of his. He sounded completely alert which made me even craggier. I immediately felt the pull in my semi-hard organ, and then felt guilty. I was married for fuck's sake! I wished I could tell my subconscious that. It didn't seem to give a fuck how my life was in reality. In the seconds that it took me to get my head cleared, I groaned long and hard, throwing my arm over my eyes as if the act could shut out the images. "It's too early", I groused. Jarred only chuckled, "I know I'm two hours ahead of you, but it's still ten a.m. your time." I popped an eye open and looked at the clock. Sure enough it was just after ten in the morning. God, I was becoming such a slob. "What do you want?" He was still laughing. He couldn't have known that he was sending shivers down my body which seemed to race to and end at my cock. "I have a proposition for you", he said. I had to bite my hand to stop my groan. It was just too fucking early for this. Part of my mind was aware that he couldn't have meant it the way that I took it. However my sleep-induced brain that was still in the dream somewhat, took it however the hell it wanted. I searched frantically for something neutral to say, hoping that my voice didn't belie my feelings. "Go on", I said. He still seemed really amused when he began speaking. "Well, I'm taking some time off and wondered if you wanted to get away. You've never visited and this might be a good time, before you decide to go back to work." 'YES', my body screamed. The feeling was immediate and a bit shocking. "Uh sure, let me know when, and I'll get with Viv so we can make the arrangements." The thought of my wife was like a bucket of ice water being thrown on me. The guilt that I felt was astronomical. Jarred and I spoke for a few more minutes, ending the call with me laughing my head off. I loved that he had the balls to make fun of my amnesia. Most people danced around it like it was a big fucking taboo subject. I got up trying to shake the grogginess that I still felt off. I knew that I had to talk to Viv, and I mean really talk. It didn't matter that I didn't remember my past; my future just didn't include a wife. I'd been playing this waiting game, hoping that my memory would return in time for me to figure this out. It hadn't and it was unfair to Viv to play this waiting game. I'd been out of the hospital for six months and was still sleeping in the downstairs bedroom. She knew something was wrong but I'd been a big fat chicken. She was walking around waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm surprised that she didn't corner me and demand an explanation. I'd just showered and eaten some cereal when I saw her come into the kitchen. I was so glad that I didn't have any food in my mouth. I think that I would have needed the Heimlich maneuver. My eyes bugged out at her attire, or rather lack of it. She had on some white teddy that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. The bra portion was sheer, showing her rosy pink nipples. The bottom portion of the teddy was lace and opened to flare out at her hips. She was wearing a thong made out of the same material as the bra portion of the teddy. Like a flash I saw our wedding night. She'd worn the same thing and I couldn't get enough of her that night. I was so happy feeling like she'd cured me. That brought me back to reality. That's what it was. I felt like yelling 'EUREKA'. The images and feelings came rolling through me like a tidal wave making me feel a bit nauseous. I'd felt different my whole life, not really believing that I'd find a woman that I could really love. I'd never felt more than a passing attraction for any one woman. I wanted to find that burning desire to get laid. My high school locker room and my college dormitory was filled with guys that were for lack of a better term, 'pussy-hounds'. I thought that something was wrong with me. I thought that I was a bit asexual. I would look at pictures of women fully dressed and in varying stages of nudity. I never did more than slightly plump. I completely hid my awkwardness, burying myself in my studies or later in my career. Viv had been the first woman that I was truly interested in. However, my attraction started off as benignly as possible. It was a gradual attraction that grew until I felt that I'd found my savior. I remembered telling her numerous times that she'd saved me a lifetime of loneliness. "I remember!" I shouted. "Go! Go! Put something else on that you've worn before!" I ran to her, too happy for words, and spun her around as I kissed her soundly on the cheek. "Thank you, thank you, and thank you!!" I was still spinning her around and completely missed the shocked and hurt look on her face. She ran away and I was so excited. I started going through the things that I remembered and I stopped short. I still didn't remember Jarred. I don't know when we met or why I felt such a pull towards him. I was just so glad that at least part of my memory had returned. Yes there were holes in my personal timeline, but this was the biggest leap since the accident. My wife returned with a robe and my elation quickly turned to apprehension. My wife had put pajamas and a robe on. Her eyes were already red-rimmed and she looked close to tears again. "What's wrong Viv?" For some reason I immediately started walking around the kitchen. I started making tea. Once I'd put the kettle on and gotten the tea bag and the mug, I set out the milk and honey. When I stopped I looked down at the counter. I realized that I'd done this so many times that it was an automatic reaction. I was frowning trying to remember what triggered it when I looked back at Viv. She was visibly upset and that had to be it. I shook my head in dismay; I guessed that I hadn't remembered as much as I thought. We sat at the center island in the kitchen. I looked at the marble of the countertop and remembered us making love on it our first anniversary. The memories were coming more frequently now. It was like she'd unlocked a door. "You didn't even get an erection", she whispered as tears began trailing down her face. I looked down in shock at my crotch, and sure enough my cock was sleeping peacefully. I honestly hadn't even thought sexually about the outfit once it started triggering my memories. The anguish in her face was apparent. "I'm sorry." These sounded like the lamest words that I'd ever spoken but I was truly sorry. "What's going on Marvy- Marvin? You clam up whenever I try to have a conversation with you and when I look at you I know that you can see my desire and longing! I want my husband back; I want my best friend back!" She was sobbing hysterically now. I held her to me, knowing that the only thing I would be doing was hurting her more before this all ended. "It's like you woke up a completely different person!" She was still crying as she spoke. I couldn't let her know that she was right and that I was very different. Maybe 'different' isn't the term. I've become more of myself. I know now more than ever that I've probably always been gay. When I was younger, never even considering men as an option, I thought that something was wrong with me. My sexual identity was ambiguous at best. It was like the accident unlocked what my subconscious knew all along. From a very early age, I was taught that being anything other than heterosexual was wrong. I guess I suppressed my true self before I really developed and identity, sexual or otherwise. I realized now that it had a lot to do with my upbringing. My father was very religious and was quick to berate anything that he felt was ungodly. His rants were on topics that from IVF to lesbian/gay issues, and a whole lot of other issues. It was like I could view my life in retrospect as an outsider. Well, at least the part of it that I remembered. It was like I was watching a movie. I looked down at the miserable looking bundle in my arms and whispered, "We need to talk." I gulped audibly as we pulled away from each other. I Leaned against the center island and hung my head, unsure of where to even begin. As hard as this was going to be for me, I knew it would be even more difficult for her and there was nothing that I could do to lessen the pain that I was about to deal. "I'm gay", I whispered, not even able to meet her gaze. "You're okay? You're okay? Really Marvin? You aren't okay." She asked, her voice laced with incredulity. Aw shit, she'd misheard me. I turned to her and met her full on. "I'm gay. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I instinctively reached for her, only to have her flinch as if I'd struck her. She pulled back and I knew she was going to slap me. The sting of the blow was nothing in comparison to the look on her face. "You bastard!" She yelled. She began yelling, some of which didn't even sound like words. I don't know how she moved so fast, but one second she was yelling in my face and the next, she was hurtling dishes across the center island. Damn she had an arm. Once the cabinet with the plates and bowls was empty she sort of deflated. She crumpled to the floor crying in gut wrenching sobs. She didn't even object to me picking her up. I took her to what used to be our bedroom and covered her up. I set about cleaning up the kitchen. A couple of hours later, I heard a knock at my door. I'd been starring at the television, not really watching anything. Viv came in. She looked hardened and angry, but she was no longer looking like she wanted to slit my throat. We started out tentatively talking. Viv was trying to keep her head, and I ... well I was trying to keep living. Something this big and someone so hurt and angry made for a very volatile combination. The conversation was long, and intense. It did seem to help that I'd never cheated on her. Hell, I couldn't have cheated; I hadn't even come to terms with my sexuality until it reared up and smacked me in the face. The conversation had started to peter out when Viv stomped me with her next question. "So are you in love with Jarred?" My gasp and look of shock would have been comical if it weren't laced with bone chilling fear. This was a question I'd avoided asking myself and never expected to come from her. "I honestly don't know. I don't remember him. I won't lie to you, I'm attracted to him. He's the first man that I remember being attracted to, but he doesn't know anything about this." I saw her take a deep breath, a tear slid down her face that she quickly wiped away. Her look was inquisitive. I shrugged, knowing that I had the audacity to feel sheepish, even under these circumstances. "I woke up and he was there... I thought he was mine." "You've been feeling like this for six months?!" She softly exclaimed. "I was hoping to regain my memory and figure some of this out. What I do remember still has a lot of holes in it. I knew I was going to have to let you know before my memory fully returned, but I was dealing with so much guilt over what this is going to do to you. I hoped that if my memory returned, there would be some explanation of how I could be such a jerk." My last utterance seemed to cause her to sniff, I'm not sure whether in laughter or derision. She nodded and left. I lay back on the bed, utterly exhausted, but feeling a little better. As bad as the situation was, at least I'd made the biggest step that I had dreaded like the plague. No matter what happened in the future, I couldn't stay married. I was in my office one day when Viv came in and handed me an envelope. She looked so sad. I opened the envelope, she'd started divorce proceedings. "I want you out of the house", she said. I looked up from reading the paperwork, gagging at some of the demands she'd made. I was willing to be more than fair, but that one statement let me know that she didn't intend to play fair. I sighed and sat back. "You know that isn't going to happen, Viv." She folded her arms over her chest and starred at me, shooting daggers. "I want you out now! I can't stand this! Get out!" I rubbed my temples, already feeling a killer migraine coming on. "Viv, you know this house is in trusteeship for my family... my family, Viv. It can't be sold and you won't be getting it in the divorce... if you can't stand being here with me, then you leave. I never wanted to hurt you, but I'll be damned if I let you walk all over me because of my guilt." To say that she was shocked was an understatement. I was just glad that I'd found our pre-nup and my will a couple of weeks ago. I wondered why there was no mention of the house. After perusing my files, I found the documents about the house. It seems that in order to sell the house, it had to be a unanimous decision by the oldest living members of the family. Since my mother and her three sisters were still alive, selling the house wouldn't even be my generation's decision. She snorted haughtily and gave me an evil stare, "You seem to remember things when it's convenient, you ape!" She turned and stormed out. That was a new one; I don't remember her calling me any animals these past weeks. I knew that I would need to find out my options. I was hoping that this would be civil, but even I wasn't addled enough to hope that she'd be okay with who I was. As much of a jackass as it made me seem, I wanted to get on with my life. Even if I never found anyone, this cosmic bitch-slap was enough to let me know that I couldn't hide anymore. I found the number of my attorney in an address book at my desk. He handled most of my business legalities, but I was sure he could point me to a good divorce attorney. I called my attorney and got right to the point. "Bob, I'm selling my business and I need a good divorce attorney." I didn't have time to sugar coat. I don't remember how I was with the business that I'd been neglecting, but I figured the best way to get through was to jump right in with both feet. Unfortunately for my wife, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if that meant that I was alone. The one good thing about all of this stress was that my erotic dreams had all but diminished. Yes, I still found myself daydreaming about his beautiful voice and those steel grey eyes, but at least I wasn't cumming in my pajamas from wet dreams. Those made me think of this upcoming trip to see Jarred. On the one hand, I was excited to see him, especially now that I wasn't looking like some wounded creature with bandages everywhere. I wanted to see if the attraction was as one-sided as I'd perceived it to be. A small part of me wanted him to want me as badly as I seemed to want him. I knew it was selfish, but it was that ray of hope that kept me going. Now, on the other hand, I was dreading the trip. I didn't want to leave my house with the way things were between Viv and me. I also didn't know how I was going to deal with being in such close proximity to Jarred. Luckily Viv solved my problem for me. I'd been afraid that I was going to come back to find that she'd cleaned me out. She moved out and insisted that all communication be through our attorneys. I have to admit that I breathed a sigh of relief... well after I had the locks changed. I hoped that in time we could at least be civil. She was my best friend for so long. ********** The thing about amnesia, or at least in my personal experience, is that you remember more when you relax and stop trying so hard. But you don't realize how many things there are that we remember every day. You find out how much you took for granted. The first time I'd tried to access my computer in my office, I had a moment of panic. It was password protected. After several attempts, I gave up in frustration. It wasn't that it slipped my mind... it just was gone! I decided to try another tactic. I walked away and went to work out. I let all of the stress flow through the workout. After a quick shower, I sat in bed flipping channels. I grabbed my laptop off my dresser. It had been sitting there since I'd moved into the downstairs bedroom. I chuckled as I rubbed dust off the top. I flipped the top and pressed the 'on' button. Nothing happened. I laughed again. Technologically advanced I wasn't. I found the cord figuring out that it needed to charge. I was still musing to myself as I settled back into bed and flipped another channel. I started to get into the discovery channel and saw an ad I wanted to look up online. Without thinking I typed on the keyboard and logged onto my computer and was on the website before I realized it. I smiled and started surfing. I decided to check my personal email. Whew, I had over two-thousand emails. Most was junk that I deleted without reading. There was a recent email from Jarred giving me directions to his house and the days he'd be taking his vacation. He ended the email stating that he hoped I would be able to make it. With everything that was going on with me, I hadn't gotten a chance to confirm with him. I groaned and tried not to think of him. Tried and failed. My dick was plumping thinking about him. I usually tried to take a cold shower to cool my lust. There was no worse guilt trip than thinking about a man when your wife was upstairs. There was nothing that I could do about the dreams. That I'd cum in most of them was not a factor on what I did when I was awake. I fought the urge to jack-off at every turn. It looked like I wasn't going to win that battle now. I pulled out my cock, thankful that no one was around. I hadn't actually done this in a very long time. I closed my eyes and thought of him. It didn't take long for my cock to start leaking. It's honey coating my hand and giving me the lubrication that I needed to proceed. I remembered his enigmatic smile and the way his eyes sparkled when he'd watched me eat the red velvet cookies. His laugh never ceased to send shivers down my spine. His teasing banter made me want to listen to him all day. I wanted to run my hands through his gold flecked hair and see those grey eyes darken in lust. I wanted to feel his long fingers search every inch of my body, learning all of my hot spots. I wanted to feel his lips press to one in particular, right behind my ear. Before I knew it my eyes were rolling back into my skull and I was biting my knuckles to keep from crying out. Once I came down from my orgasm, sadness began to creep into my consciousness. I had cum from just thinking about him, and not even in an overtly sexual way. God I was such a loser. ********** I'd originally intended to drive to Jarred's house. After realizing that it would be about a ten hour drive, I decided to fly. It would take less than two hours to get there by flying. I was nervous as all get out, especially getting on the plane, luckily the flight wasn't long. I swear it took us less time to get there than expected. I got off the plane and rented a car. I was actually running ahead of schedule. I t was about noon and Jarred wasn't expecting me until around 2pm. I parked at his house and looked around. Becoming Myself Ch. 03 The house was beautiful, slate blue concrete façade with a grey stone surround on the bottom portion of the house. The roof of the house was done in charcoal tiled shingles. The garage was towards the back of the house so as to not detract from the front. The cobbled driveway went perfectly with the landscape. After I parked in the circular drive, I got out and just looked around. I would have loved to live here with Jarred. I tried to shake the longing off and just look forward to the time I would be spending 'vacationing'. I rang the doorbell and waited... and waited. I hoped I wasn't too early. The brown wood door with the glass inlay at eye-level yielded that no one was coming down the hall. I began to feel apprehensive as I rang the bell for the third time. I saw him jogging up the hallway. I'd only pulled one bag out of the car, but I was glad it was my carry-on. My dick became rock hard as I say the object of my desires come jogging up in old ratty sneakers, sweat dripping down his naked torso, his hair matted to his head and his silky love trail disappearing into some low-riding basketball shorts. I gulped loud enough that it almost drowned out the pounding in my ears. He opened the door and I forgot to breathe. The heat coming off him was intoxicating. The musky manliness of his sweat was assaulting my senses. "Hey Marv, you're early! Sorry I didn't hear the door, I was out back shooting some hoops." I smiled at him, shaking my head. He seemed to have no idea how hot he was. I held that smile as I stepped into the foyer of the house. Another man came strolling in, chugging some water. He looped his arm around Jarred's neck, like you would your younger brother. He was grinning from ear to ear dressed exactly like Jarred. I smiled as they bantered back and forth about who won. I looked from one to the other expectantly, wondering when the introductions were going to be made. This had to be a relative of Jarred's. Jarred motioned me further into the house. "Hey Marv, I'm sorry for not introducing you two. This is Michael... my partner."