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What Was I Thinking? Ch. 01

By: Daedalus369



I woke up early on Saturday morning, just before dawn. For a moment I wasn't quite sure where I was. All I knew was that I really needed to take a piss.

When I stepped outside I saw that a few other tents had sprung up in the clearing. I had purposely chosen this spot for its relative seclusion. They must have wandered over from the main group sometime during the night and decided to pitch their tents here.

Not a big deal though, I simply hadn't wanted to be completely surrounded by the large number of other campers in our group. I get a little claustrophobic.

I had been pretty wasted by the time I made back to my tent last night. Hell, I'm still a kind of loaded this morning.

Looking around, I counted only five other tents loosely scattered around the big glade. Out of courtesy I figured that I should at least hold it until I get out of the glade.

After another moment's thought, I decided to grab my shower gear and head on down to the facilities near the campsite's entrance.

Scott and I had planned this white-water rafting trip a few months ago. Both of us had been coming up here to this campground about every six months or so, for the past two years. Scott likes the fishing and I just really like camping. We both like drinking.

The last time we were here, just on impulse, we had joined in with some other people who had come up for a rafting trip. So this time we'd decided to bring our own group for a rafting party.

At this early hour I knew there would be no one in the showers, thus plenty of hot water and privacy.

Standing naked under the shower, I let the water rush over me. It felt good and I was just starting to relax when I heard someone turn on another shower head.

"Hey, how's it going?" A voice said. "Its Craig, right?"

I looked over my shoulder and saw that it was Marc, one of Scott's friends. This guy just rubbed me the wrong way. From the moment that Scott introduced us, I had taken an instant disliking to him.

"Alright." I mumbled, turning back to my shower.

Since he was a friend of Scott's I would make every effort to be polite. But there was no denying that I found him obnoxious, self- absorbed and generally loathsome.

Last night Marc had bragged incessantly about his "fabulous" acting career. It would have been a different thing altogether if anyone had really known his work or was even remotely interested in his prattle, but no one seem to care. He wasn't even a B actor. Only a two people had recognized him.

His wife or girlfriend, on the other hand, was sweet and terribly hot, but mostly quiet. Of course she couldn't get a word in edgewise if she tried. Scott's wife, Julia and the some of the other girls, kept her company.

Marc is extremely handsome with reddish-blond hair and deep blue eyes. He's got a ruggedly good looking face and a great build. Unfortunately, he is acutely aware of his good looks. He also has this annoying habit of putting his face way too close when he speaks to you.

"Some bash last night, huh?"

"Yeah." I mumbled, without looking his way.

My head was still a little hazy from the previous evening's drinking so I had no trouble tuning him out.

He continued talking but I really wasn't listening. Seems he had been doing that ever since I met him. Constantly vying for attention.

At some point I happened to look around and catch a glimpse of his sweet little ass. His strong, tautly muscled body looked exceptionally hot, gleaming under the shower's spray. Something in me began to stir.

My already bloated dick started to harden and rise and to my embarrassment, that was precisely the moment he happened to turn around and catch me checking him out. He flashed me a smiled.

I quickly turned my back to him. My dick continued to rise and throb. I tried to think of something else, anything else to distract me when suddenly, I heard was his voice right next to my ear. It startled the hell out of me.

"So what's on your mind?" Marc's voice rasped in my ear.

He had crept right up next to me, his naked body was now right beside mine. As I spun around, he grabbed me and I instinctively pushed him back, away from me.

"What, too soon?" He laughed.

"Too soon!?" I barked, astonished.

His dick was hard and jutting straight out in front of him like a sword. He grinned at me salaciously. It made me feel a little dirty. Meanwhile, my own dick was still betraying me by jumping and throbbing vigorously.

He took a tentative step forward, his hand encircled my pulsing cock. Still smiling at me, his pale blue eyes devoured me lewdly. His hard, muscled torso barely moved as he deftly manipulated my hardon.

"Damn, you've got some big cock on you!" Marc commented. "And a really hot body."

A million thoughts whirled through my mind as he stroked me. It was difficult to focus. I grabbed his hand, with every intention of pushing it away.

Then, without warning, he dropped to his knees and swallowed as much of my dick as he could. With nearly a third of my cock buried between those wide stretched jaws, his face looked even more attractive to me. He tried desperately to get it down his throat, but it just wasn't happening.

Still, his oral manipulation was more than I could stand. Marc definitely has skills.

Water pouring down on my backside and his hands massaging my butt cheeks I wrapped my hands around his head and pumped my hips. My thick, hard dick battered the back of throat as I pushed harder and harder. His eyes flew open and he gagged a few times. He had to stand bent over at the waist and work his head up and down, back and forth and soon, after adjusting his position, he was able to take a good portion of my cock into his throat for only a few seconds at a time.

It wasn't long before he was coaxing the molten hot juices out of my balls. When he felt my body tense the first time, he pulled his head back so I wouldn't choke him. I unloaded in his mouth.

Finally, I released his head, he turned away and spit out what hadn't dibbled down his chin. Then he looked up at me with very innocent eyes and smiled. Then he stood up and kissed me. He tasted of my cum which sort of disgusted me for some reason.

Grabbing my hand, he used it to help him stroke his own dick while we kissed. Then he turned his back to me and pressed that perfect little butt right into my crotch. He wrapped my arms around him and used my left hand to cup his balls and my right to help him jack his still hard cock. His strong, hot body felt really good against mine.

Amazingly I started to get aroused again. My dick nuzzled into the soft cleft of his round ass. I kissed his neck and ears while he jerked himself off with my hand. Before long my cock was starting to stiffen again as his butt flexed against it.

Marc's hand started to fly over his cock as he leaned back into me and I rubbed his tight torso with my free hand. Every muscle in his body stiffed. This excited me beyond belief. My dick was rock hard again and poking through between his thighs. I wanted nothing more than to fuck the hell out of him and I knew that I would soon.

---

Scott and I have been friends for a few years now. He works for one of the companies that I do computer programming contract work for occasionally. He's the manager of their Information Systems department.

Up until a few years ago, I was just another work a day stiff, like everyone else. But I got pretty lucky. A little talent, a little skill and whole lot of luck has set me up for life. Simply put, I don't have to work for a living anymore. The software game can be really lucrative.

I just take these contracting jobs to help occupy my time. When I'm idle for too long, I tend to get into trouble.

After successfully completing a couple of projects together, Scott and I became fast friends, which is unusual. There's usually a lot of competitiveness among some computer programmers. That's why I generally prefer to work alone. But Scott and I really make a good team.

Julia, Scott's wife, is really a lot of fun too, except when she's trying to fix me up with one of her random girlfriends. Other than that, she's very cool and hangs out with us a lot. More often than not, she's happy to get her devoted husband out of her hair for a while.

---

"What's going on with you, man?" Scott asked as I drove us over to white-water rafting office to double check on our arrangements for the trip down the river tomorrow.

"What do you mean?"

"You just seem a little weird this weekend. Kind of withdrawn or preoccupied or something, I don't know."

He was right of course. Generally, I'm a good natured, easygoing guy, especially around people that I'm fond of, like Scott and Julia.

However, after that little performance in the shower this morning, I suppose I was a little preoccupied. I had been careless and stupid. I hadn't given any thought to what might happen if Marc and I had been caught in such a compromising position. What was I thinking?

Even though I'm reasonably sure that no one, especially Scott, knows that I am capable of such behavior and I certainly wouldn't want him to find out like that.

"What, all of sudden you're my shrink?" I laughed, playfully thumping the side of his head.

He retaliated with a quick little rabbit punch to my shoulder and we both laughed.

"No you schmuck, I just thought something might be wrong."

"Nah, I'm alright." I smiled, feeling something akin to brotherly love at his concern.

"How 'bout you?" I asked, feigning serious worry. "Are you alright? Anything you want to get off your chest?"

"Ah, shut the hell up!"

"Cause, you know I'm here for you." I said, adding a fake tremble to my voice.

"You're such a jackass." He laughed.

I'm really very fond of Scott and his amiable personality, but some things are best left unsaid between men.

---

Back at our campsite, everyone seemed to be having a great time and once again, it was pretty late or more accurately pretty early when I decided to go off to my tent.

As I lay dozing on top of my sleeping I thought I heard some rustling outside my tent. I tried to ignore it but couldn't. Finally I sat up and listened closely.

The sound of zipping alerted me that my tent flap was being opened. I raised up onto my elbows.

"Anybody home?" A voice whispered.

It was Marc of course. Just as I suspected.

"Are you lost?" I asked sarcastically.

There was no answer. Just some quiet, subdued movement in the dark. I was clad only in boxers and a t-shirt.

"Won't your wife be missing you right about now?" I chided.

"She's not my wife." Marc whispered. "Besides, I've already given her what she needs. Wore her out in fact. Now its my turn."

No more words were exchanged. It was obvious what was about to happen. Sadly, we're two of kind. Insatiable reprobates. And as vile and contemptible as I find Marc, I still find him damn sexy.

There was no attempt to disguise my contempt for him. And he didn't pretend that it mattered to him one way or the other. We both just wanted to get off.

He fumbled with the waistband on my boxers until I moved to take them off myself.

Marc wasted no time straddling my waist and positioning my hard flesh pole at his opening. I felt him slick the head of my dick with his spit. A lot of spit. Then he started rocking his hips trying desperately to relax enough so that my fat cock wouldn't rip his ass hole apart.

He grunted quietly and pushed himself down hard. It took quite a bit of time and effort before he finally pried himself open and the head of my cock popped in. He needed to rest a bit after that struggle.

Growing impatient, I grabbed his hips, holding him in place and thrust upward with all my might. I was able to advance only a few millimeters up inside him before he drew in a sharp breath and collapse forward onto my chest.

"Take it easy dude, alright?" He panted into my ear.

It wasn't long before he was making tentative efforts to accommodate more of my cock inside him. It was slow going and I was growing impatient again. So, being careful not to lose any of the ground gained so far, I carefully rolled him over onto his back and went to work on him. There wasn't very much room in my tent so I held his legs tightly as I drove myself forcefully into him.

After a few savage thrusts I was pretty deep inside his body. Marc bit down on his fist to keep quiet. The only sounds were the occasional sharp breaths through his nostrils. I eased up for fear that we might be overheard.

When I finally hit bottom he recoiled violently and this time he did yowl, rather loudly too. I backed off a bit, then held perfectly still. My rock hard cock was throbbing and twitching in his tightly stretched asshole.

I let him wrap his legs around my body and we lay still for a while. There were no other sounds and soon I started to fuck his upturned ass again. Slowly at first and then faster as my hips began to establish their own rhythm.

His ass muscles never seemed to loosen and the friction on my cock was tremendous. I could feel his hands trying to grip and grope my back as I plowed his tight, hot butt. Both of us covered in sweat and so sexually charged that something had to give.

I knew it immediately when he started to cum. He began clutching at me as if he feared that I might get away. Then his whole body flexed and spasmed again and again. This drove me over the edge, setting my own orgasm in motion. The column of flesh I had buried deep inside him began erupting violently.

Massive tremors wracked my body as I shot volley after volley deep into his butt. I buried my face in his neck to keep from making any noise. And still I couldn't get enough. I kept pushing and pulling until the very last drop was fired.

Finally, we were both still. Trying desperately to breathe as quietly as possible. We lay like that for a long time, not moving at all.

---

The trip down river was a lot of fun. On one particularly swift rapid I "accidentally" pushed Marc over the side of our raft. After drawing a few nasty looks from the two women in our raft, I assumed a posture of innocence.

The guys, on the other hand, just laughed and seemed to get a kick out of it. Marc had been acting like a know-it-all jerk from the moment that we launched. Like he'd invented rafting or something. So I thought someone should take him down a notch.

"That wasn't very cool." Scott laughed at me.

"I know." I said trying my best to look contrite.

Then we both laughed.

We fished him out of the water a little further down the river. He didn't seem any worse for the wear nor did he seem to harbor any grudges. Actually, he seemed to enjoy my little joke at his expense.

He lost his paddle when he fell out and had to pay a hefty fee at the end of the trip. I offered to pay for it, but he wouldn't hear it of it. He took me aside and told me that he could think of a better way for me to make it up to him, later.

As I was packing up the last of my gear and getting ready to hit the road, Marc approached me and asked me when we could get together again.

---

I would have been happy if I'd never heard from Marc again. Unfortunately, there was no such luck. He called just a few days after the trip and wanted to come over. I was able to put him off until the following weekend.

After his call, I decided to get out of the house. I headed to the local computer store to see if they had anything new or interesting before ending up at a little sports bar that I hadn't been to in quite a while.

"Hey, long time no see." The bartender said as he served me a beer.

I vaguely recognized his face and gave him a cheerful smile.

"Yeah, its been a while." I replied.

"Where's your friend?"

He was obviously referring to Jorge, a professor at the university where I used to teach a programming class. He and I used to frequent this place.

"I don't know." I answered honestly.

"I haven't seen him in a while either." The bartender said. "Thought you guys might have given up on this place."

As he went off to attend another customer, my thoughts turned to Jorge. I hadn't seen him in quite some time myself.

Eventually Nick came back to chat and see if I needed anything else. After a few shots and some good natured conversation we were laughing it up like old buddies.

For every shot I buy, I buy one for him as well and we toast to whatever comes to mind. Turns out, Nick's a pretty fun guy. And every time he turns his back or bends over I get a real good look at that high, tight, round little ass of his that seems to be stretching those chinos to within an inch of their life.

There is something about Nick's deep set, hazel eyes, shadowed under those thick dark eyebrows that is utterly captivating. The way they seem to slant down slightly at the corners giving him a sort of sly, sexy look. Or a drowsy kind of sleepy look, depending on your point of view.

His short, thick, wavy black hair always combed back from his handsome face adds to his tidy, clean cut appearance. If I had to guess, I would say he was of Mediterranean descent, perhaps Greek or maybe Sicilian.

Clearly, he takes good care of his lean, muscular body. At six foot, he's as tall as me and similarly built. I could easily envision his fresh faced smile being used to advertise everything from clothing to sport utility vehicles.

His enthralling presence is punctuated by a pleasantly mellow baritone voice. Handsome in a way that seems to implies a strong masculine prowess. One could never refer to his boyish good looks as pretty. On the contrary, Nick is a stud, with the subtle allure of a guy who doesn't take himself or anything else too seriously.

Over the next few days I ended up on the same barstool, day after day, talking to and over-tipping Nick. He seems glad for the company. I particularly liked the way his face seem to light up when he saw me coming in. And since I'm between projects at the moment, I don't have much else to do.

I was surprised to learn that Nick had graduated Stanford University which is only about thirty miles south of where I attended U.C. Berkeley.

"My friends and I used to go up to Berkeley all the time. Some pretty wild stuff going on up there. Lot's of trouble to get into." Nick commented. "Too bad I never ran into you."

"Yeah well, it's a pretty big campus. Besides, I lived on base, miles away from campus. I went to school on Uncle Sam's dime, so I had to be a good boy back then."

"Military?"

"Yeah, Marine Corps. My life was all about work and school back then. Not much time for anything else."

"Why'd you get out?"

"Didn't have much use for it after I got my degree." I answered. "Then I moved back home to Ohio for a while."

"And now you're back on the west coast." He smiled.

"Yeah, I don't know, there's just something about this place that seems to call to me." I smiled.

Nick told me about his brief stints as an actor, a personal trainer and now a bartender. None of which he cared for very much.

"What was your degree in?" I asked.

"Biomedical Engineering."

"Why not do something along those lines?"

"You really need an advanced degree if you want to do anything other than flunky work. I just got tired of researching and studying." He shrugged. "Maybe I'll go back one day, who knows."

---

Marc came over early on Friday night and we got right down to business. I sort of ambushed him while he stood out on my deck looking over the water, drinking a beer. I crept up quietly behind him and snatched his shorts down to his ankles. I fucked him right there.

"Won't your neighbors see us?" He grunted, as I tore into him like a rampaging bull.

"Shut the hell up!" I said, slamming into his ass.

I wanted to see just how far I could push this guy. How much abuse he would take from me before standing up for himself. Besides, I knew that it was too dark for anyone to see what we were doing up on my deck with the lights off. The living quarters and deck of my house start on the second story, so Marc had a good view of the darkened beach and black water as I tried to rearrange his internal organs with my tremendous hardon.


What Was I Thinking? Ch. 01



He started to get loud so I cuffed him in the back of his head and told him to shut up. He just held his head down, moaning quietly and jacking his dick.

When he came, he could hardly contain himself, shaking violently and gripping the railing. I continued to plow into his backside. After he was done coming he started to whine a bit.

"Damn man, are you almost done?" He complained.

"I'll be done with I'm done." I barked at him.

This irritated me so I started pounding his ass hard as I could. He just held his head down, quietly whimpering. His utter submission seemed to do trick and I emptied my load into his guts, but by then he was working on a new hardon. His cock was all swollen again.

After we got cleaned up, we talked for a while. He seemed a lot different now, almost likeable. Of course that was after I had fucked his brains out, so perhaps that's what it takes to make him more agreeable.

"You've got a bit of mean streak in you don't you?" He commented.

With my lust abated and being momentarily satiated, I sort of regretted treating him the way I had. That kind of behavior is really out of character for me. It has always been my way to treat others like I would want to be treated. And I was going to apologize, but then I didn't.

"What can I say, you bring it out in me." I remarked glibly.

On his way out, he leaned in for a kiss and I thrust my hand out keeping him at bay. He shook it and smiled.

"See you again sometime?" He queried.

"We'll see."

---

Not long after Marc left Jason showed up.

"When was the last time you spoke with dad?" He asked.

He meant his dad, Andrew. He always asks me that question but isn't ever really interested in the answer.

Andrew was my boss and good friend back in Ohio. So he usually calls me when he can't catch up with Jason. Generally most of their communications come through me since Jason used to live here. Sadly, Andrew and I are more like father and son than he and Jason.

Andrew's a very wealthy man and great guy. Probably has been all of his life. But somehow, Jason grew up to be an ill-behaved, self- indulgent, spoiled bastard. Nothing like his father.

"So listen, Christian's been trying to get in touch with you." Jason said. "They're having another party and want you to come."

"I know, I've been screening his calls." I said.

Christian, my erstwhile literary agent is one of the most disingenuous people I've ever met. He got my last book quite a bit of attention, still I don't care much for him. Besides not liking him personally, it's the incessant calls about my next writing project that make me want to avoid him. He seems to think that we were friends rather than client and agent.

And even though I can't prove it, I think Jason's been sticking it to Christian's wife. Every time I bring it up, he never confirms nor denies my suspicions. But I know Jason well enough to know what's what.

I've observed the chemistry between them when they think no one is looking. At the very least, I'm certain that they've got the hots for each other.

"Oh come on, it'll be fun." Jason urged. "You know they always throw the best parties."

"I don't know, I'll think about it." I said.

Having lived with me for the past few years, Jason knows how to work me pretty well. He also knows that I will probably concede to his wishes.

"Come on Craig, if you don't go, I can't possibly go."

"Yeah, you just want me to keep Christian occupied while you diddle his wife."

Jason sighed with exasperation.

"Please Craig." He implored with earnest eyes and that expression that told me he was serious.

"Don't use that look on me. I invented that look." I warned him.

"Come on, dude!"

"Alright, already."

"What's with you lately?" He asked. "You've been in a foul mood ever since you got back from that rafting trip."

He was right of course, I have been sort of a dick, lately. The thing is, I'm not quite sure why.

"Not to worry, this party will cheer you up." Jason said, switching back to the subject at hand. "What time should I pick you up?"

"Oh no you don't, I'm driving." I said emphatically. "You left me stranded last time."

"Yeah, sorry about that." He smiled apologetically.

The next evening when we showed up at Christian's, his wife behaved as though she were mildly put out with me for not responding to their invitation. I cared even less for her than I did for Christian.

She is pretentious, affected, clich^­ridden and not at all subtle. However, she is mildly attractive. She's got a great rack and a really hot body. I could almost see what Jason saw in her.

The party was just as dull as I'd anticipated it would be. That is until all of a sudden there was a rather loud ruckus out by the pool. Everyone rush out to see what was going on.

I was astounded to see Nick, the bartender there having a showdown with some woman.

Some loud and melodramatic woman it seemed was having a go at him and apparently Nick had had enough and was walking away from her when she grabbed the back of his shirt and very nearly ripped it off him. Everyone got a good view of his well defined abs and the nice butt.

No one seemed willing to intervene until Christian came rushing over and got things settled down between them. That was when she decided to storm out of the party, with a wildly dramatic flourish. The likes of which I haven't ever seen outside of a movie. 

Christian unobtrusively hustled Nick over to the bar and offered him a drink. I had been standing right there the whole time, watching Nick and this woman's little melodrama play out before the crowd.

"Oh, there he is." Christian smiled, looking at me. "Nick, have you met my friend Craig?"

Christian, trying desperately to ignore the recent unpleasantness, introduced us.

"Yeah, we know each other." I smiled pleasantly, shaking Nick's hand.

Presently, Christian left us to attend his other guests.

"So uh, everything alright?" I asked.

Nick didn't answer, he just took me by the shoulder and hustled me out, away from the crowd.

"Do you have your car here?"

"Sure." I said.

"Do you think you could give me a ride?"

"Of course, where to?"

"Anywhere but here."

I quickly found Jason and told him I was leaving. He wasn't ready to go and told me he'd be fine on his own.

"You want me to take you home or do you want to go somewhere else?" I asked as I drove.

"Oh, I won't be going home tonight." Nick informed me.

"Well, if you need somewhere to crash, you're welcome to stay at my place." I said. "If you want."

"No, I don't want to impose."

"Its no problem, really." I assured him.

Once we got to my place, I poured us both a drink from the bar then grabbed a clean t-shirt for him. The shirt he was wearing had been practically ripped to shreds.

"Thanks." He said, shrugging off his tattered dress shirt.

I couldn't help noticing his well sculpted torso. The finely chiseled pecs with a light dusting of dark hair, the amazingly ripped abs and the ridiculously small waist. At that moment, he looked for all the world like a little boy trapped in a grown man's body. My heart started to pound in my chest, jarring my entire frame. I realized that I was staring, so I quickly busied myself getting more ice for my scotch.

Nick sat down on the sofa and downed his drink in one swallow. Other than that, he showed no outward signs of distress stemming from the earlier events at the party.

"Another?" I offered.

"Absolutely, thanks."

"Listen, I want you to make yourself at home here, alright?"

"Cool, thanks man."

After getting him another drink, I took a seat in my favorite recliner next to the sofa.

"This is a really place." Nick said.

"Thanks."

Nick smiled at me with that innocent, boyish face which made me want to ruffle his hair.

"So, that was Nicole." He said, shifting gears abruptly. "Back at the party. I would have introduced you, but she was too busy losing her fucking mind."

"Oh" I said.

"Yeah, she likes a lot of attention. Good or bad, it makes absolutely no difference to her. She just loves it."

"I see."

"Well, tonight was the last straw." He said. "I've had it up to here with her little tantrums. I'm fed up."

I just sat quietly, watching his facial expressions alternate between mild aggravation and vulnerability. He ran his fingers through his dark, wavy hair and finished his drink.

"Help yourself." I said, pointing toward the bar.

"So what was the fight about?" I asked.

"Who the hell knows." He shrugged. "She just goes off on these wild tangents. I think she's on something, you know. Her mood swings have been increasing erratic lately."

"That's a shame."

"Yeah, well, its not my problem anymore."

In effort to lighten the mood, I changed the subject. We talked for a while about nothing in particular.

Then I showed him around the house, taking him upstairs to the loft which had once served as sort of an office for me. Long ago I had converted it into sort of a guestroom, when Jason lived with me.

"It's a lot more comfortable than it looks." I told him.

Then I led him back down the stairs, through the living room, out onto the deck.

"The view's a lot better in the daytime." I smiled.

As Nick stared out into the darkness, I stole a sidelong glanced at him. Perhaps it was the long shadows, maybe it was the calm evening breeze or the tranquil look on his face or maybe I was just horny again, but he looked absolutely beautiful to me in that moment.

So thoroughly masculine and virile, yet still quite boyish and innocent. One has only to hear his deep voice to be reminded that he is a fully grown adult.

I hadn't realize that I had turned my head and was full on staring at him until he turned his gaze toward me. With sort of a tilt to his head and a quizzical look on his face, he smiled questioningly.

Suddenly, I was acutely aware of how idiotic I must look, standing there staring, not saying anything. I tried desperately to think of something to say, but nothing came.

The moment stretched on uncomfortably. Still, Nick held my gaze, obviously waiting for me to say something. Anything.

Now I was completely self-conscious and thoroughly embarrassed, so I dropped my eyes to my hands and fiddled nervously with my drink.

"What's up?" Nick asked.

"Uh, you want another?" I stammered, turning away without looking up at him again.

Quickly, I disappeared through the sliding doors without waiting for Nick's answer. "What a colossal fucking idiot you are!" I thought as I crossed the living room to the bar.

Standing there I realized that I had a tremendous hardon. It was amazingly stiff, tenting out the front of my trousers. Looking down at it, trying to will it to go away, I heard Nick's voice coming up behind me.

"Everything alright?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah. Fine." I answered, quickly maneuvering myself around to the other side of the bar, trying not to expose my erection.

Chuckling, he stepped up to the bar facing me. This time it was his turn to stare. He seemed very amused.

"You sure you're alright?" He asked again.

Unconsciously, I glanced down at my crotch and before I could even form an answer, Nick was on my side of the bar.

"What do you have back here?" He asked, still grinning.

He stopped dead in his tracks, eyes dropping to my protruding crotch. The smile never leaving his face, he looked back up at me.

"Wow!" He said, grinning seductively. "Are you always this, uh, shall we say enthusiastic, about having company?"

Forcing an embarrassed smile, I poured myself another drink, purposely ignoring his question. Mostly because I couldn't think of anything clever to say.

Intending to give him a wide berth, I tried to get around Nick. He stepped directly into my path, preventing my escape. We stood face to face with only a few inches between our noses.

The smile slowly faded from Nick's lips as his sleepy looking eyes examined my face. Looking me up and down, slowly taking my measure he took a deep breath and exhaled appreciatively. I was completely immobilized under his gaze. His beautiful, hazel eyes entrancing me, accelerating my heart rate until I thought it might explode right out of my chest.

"Am I crazy, or did you just pay me a huge compliment?" He asked.

"Uh, crazy?" I ventured, swallowing hard.

"Oh, I don't think so." He smiled teasingly. "I've noticed the way you look at me when you think I'm not looking? The nearly imperceptible flirting."

"Yeah, now I know you're crazy." I scoffed. "Maybe its imperceptible because its nonexistent. Talk about wishful thinking!"

"Wishful thinking, huh?" He asked, groping my crotch. "Is this wishful thinking too?"

"I'm going to give you five minutes to get your hand off my dick." I smiled.

"Five minutes, huh?" He laughed, stroking my hardon through my trousers.

"Okay, ten." My smile widening.

We both leaned forward simultaneously and our lips met. It just happened naturally and easily, not fumbling and hasty. Our tongues, tentative at first, then playful, then tasting deeply from each other.

I never wanted to kiss someone so much in my life. Nick's lips are so soft and full. And his smell, intoxicating. He even tastes good.

My jaw went slack as he licked and sucked my lips. My hands went around his small waist, where I groped his ass. I was surprised at how strong and firm his round butt cheeks were.

Nick gave me an enigmatic smile as I stared into his sexy, drowsy- looking eyes, then at his beautiful ruddy, full lips.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Nothing." He said. "I was just wondering when we were going to get around to that."

"Well, for the record, I assure you I wasn't flirting with you." I told him. "I'm just a nice guy. Lot's of people make that mistake."

"Uh huh." He grinned."

Just then the phone rang. It was Marc. He wanted to know if he could come over. I told him that that was impossible and that I'd have to get back to him later.

When I hung up, I turned around to find Nick sitting comfortably in my recliner.

"I'm going to overlook it this time since you're a guest," I told him, "but for future reference, you should know that that is my seat. My favorite seat."

"I know." He smiled. "It smells like you."

I must have pulled a face because he started laughing hardily.

"Don't worry, that's a good thing." He chuckled. "You smell good. You always do, kinda like something new."

He reclined fully in the seat, hands folded behind his head, eyes half lidded and stared at me silently.

"I'm ready for bed." He announced.

"Oh, alright, I'll get you some clean sheets then."

"That won't be necessary." He said.

Nick stood unceremoniously and shucked off the t-shirt he was wearing. My eyes lingered over his incredible torso as he turned and headed straight into my bedroom.

A bold move, to be sure. I stood there uncertainly for a moment, then after a brief pause I went on in to find him already in my bed, lying on his back, hands once again folded behind his head, clad only in his boxers and a smile.

Wasting little time, I disrobed and joined him. We embraced and kissed passionately. I ran my hands over his hard pecs feeling the soft hairs tickle my fingers. Rolling around groping each other's bodies, the air seemed charged with erotic tension.

We wrestled each other into a sixty-nine position quickly removing each other's shorts. Nick's furious licking and sucking drove me wild. His mouth was so hot, his tongue so relentless that I nearly forgot about his hot, throbbing cock which was staring me right in the face. All I could think about was getting into that sweet little butt of his.

Taking as much of his long, thick dick into my mouth as possible, I began playing with his tight little pucker. I wet my fingers and entered his hole. He resisted at first, moving my hand away, but I was insistent. Eventually he gave in when my tongue found its way to that tender and sensitive area just behind the ball sac. Soon, Nick was not only accepting but welcoming one, then two of my thick fingers inside.

Bathing and nibbling every inch of his crotch, I was driving Nick wild. Hips bucking and body trembling, he came close several times to choking me on his torpedo. We brought each other to the brink of orgasm several times and backed off just in time.

I couldn't take anymore so I climbed on top of him and lifted his strong legs into the air. I needed to get inside him immediately. Nothing short of deep penetration would do at this point.

"Dude, what are you doing?" He asked. "You're not getting that monster anywhere near my ass."

I could see that this was going to take a little persuasion. So I leaned in kissing him softly. He relaxed his legs around my waist.

"Come on man, I'll take it easy." I assured him, kissing his lips between each word.

"Sorry dude, I just don't wanna do that." He said. "I can't."

"What does that mean, you can't?"

"That means, I never have." He said, his earnest eyes stared locked onto mine. "It means I won't."

Frustrated, I set about the business of convincing him that he could and in fact, would concede to my lust.

I kissed and licked his neck and ears. I tongue bathed his chest and nipples which stoked his fire more than I'd expected. Working my way back down to his crotch, I spent a lot of time tasting his strong stomach muscles. He seemed to get a big thrill out of it when I bit lightly into his flesh.

Working all around his dick, I drove him wild nibbling and biting his inner thighs and sucking his balls. Finally, I took his rod into my mouth again. Then, abruptly I moved back down to that area just behind his balls. This sent a wild shudder through him.

Then I did it. I allowed my tongue to stray a little further south. As soon a I found my target, I seized his legs and drew them up in the air for better access.

Obviously this surprised the hell out of him because he nearly jumped off the bed. I went to work on his ass, probing and licking as if my life depended on it. Nick mumbled and grumbled and swore under his breath as I stoked his fire with my tongue. His entire body trembled and shuddered under my tender care. I was enjoying his reaction as much as he was enjoying my tongue.

Turning him face down on the bed I massaged those beautiful ass checks, then nibbled and kissed them before attacking his hole again. I spread his legs wide and went to work on him again. He humped the mattress wildly before reaching beneath himself to stroke his cock with his hand. I prevented this by holding onto both his hands. This drove him crazy and he began pleading incomprehensibly. I couldn't understand his words but I knew what he wanted. Relief.

Once I had sufficiently overloaded his senses, I lay forward, covering his body with mine. Nestling my hard cock between his butt cheeks, I put my lips close to his ear.

"You ready now?" I whispered, wetly kissing his ear.

Nick just buried his face in the pillow and wiggled his ass around against my stiff cock.

Using a ridiculous amount of lube, I got him ready for the task ahead. I knew this would only work at his own pace, so I just position my cock head at his entrance and just held it there. I reached under him and began slowly stroking his hardon under his belly. Soon he was pushing his butt back again me. Tentatively at first, then more forcefully until he felt himself start to open up, which caused him to tense up and clench his muscles.

Kissing and nibbling his neck and ear seemed to calm him and soon he was pushing back into me again. When I felt to moment was right, I gave a forceful shove and popped the head of my cock inside him. There was so much lube between us that he couldn't have stopped my forward progress if he wanted to. But I knew how painful this probably was for him so I held still while tensed and flexed and eventually relaxed again.




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 01



Grunting, swearing and sweating, he reached back and gripped my ass checks pulling me into him. I allowed my full weight to slowly ease my cock into his ass. Slowly and steadily, I slid into him.

"Stop!" He suddenly yelled, when I nearly halfway in.

The urgency in his voice startled me.

"Alright. Okay." I soothed.

"Just wait. Wait." He grunted through clenched teeth.

Panting and turning his head from side to side, he started to rise up like he was going to push me off his back, but then seemed to change his mind.

"Fuck, this hurts!" He grumbled under his breath.

"You want me to take it out?"

"Just be still for a minute." He growled.

I was still. Nick buried his face in the pillow again, then turned his head to the side. Gently I kissed the side of his face and stroked his head. I seriously considered withdrawing from him. I didn't want to cause him anymore pain.

As I started to pull back, he moved with me preventing me from disengaging from him. I wrapped my arms around his chest and pulled him up into a kneeling position which also impaled him further on my rod. With one loud exhalation of his breath, he took the rest of my cock up inside himself.

Almost immediately he began stroking his cock and moving up and down on my lap. When the sounds he was making started to sound less like hard work and more like pleasure, I gently urged him forward into a doggie-style position and began slowly fucking his ass. Already he was meeting my thrust with his butt.

He was still so incredibly tight that I had no trouble believing that I was indeed the first to break ground here. Whether it was true or not, the idea of being the first to open him up escalated my level of excitement and my hips took over. I started thrusting into him like a madman. There was no way to stop it now, my orgasm was nearly upon me. Then, like a tremendous crash of thunder, I exploded. Wave after wave of orgasmic bliss swept over me as I pounded his tight little butt. I lost all control as I jack-hammed Nick's asshole.

Before I knew it we were both up on our knees, his back pressed firmly to my chest, my arms wrapped tightly around him. My hips still pumping his backside. At that moment I needed him more than anything I'd ever needed before. I held onto him for dear life.

"Oh man, that's good." I heard Nick mutter quietly.

Suddenly, his entire body seized as he unloaded his tightly coiled balls. Spurt after spurt erupted from him as he leaned back into my chest. My hips continued to pump until I had to consciously will them to be still. I wasn't ready to stop.

Finally, Nick disentangled my arms, for I wasn't yet ready to relinquish his body and eased himself off my still hard cock. We lay there side by side, sweaty and exhausted.

After a while I suggested a shower and Nick agreed. There is more than enough room for four people in my glass block shower, so we got in together. Once we'd thoroughly cleaned ourselves, Nick noticed that I was hard again.

"Dude, that can't be normal." He said, indicating my condition.

"Oh, it'll go down as soon as you're either dressed or at least out of my direct line of sight." I told him.

"You sure know how to flatter a guy don't you?" He smiled.

After changing the sheets, we both lay there in the dark staring at the ceiling.

"You alright?" I asked.

"Yeah."

In just a few minutes Nick was fast asleep, snoring lightly. I can never sleep well with anyone else in my bed. I've never been quite sure why.

Looking at him sleeping there reminded me of Jorge. The thought startled me and I quickly pushed it out of my mind.

I was able to doze for a few hours before I got up and made coffee. Nick slept rather late.

When he finally did awake, I was at my desk reading the morning paper.

"Hey." Nick said sleepily, emerging from my room.

"Hey yourself." I said. "There's coffee in the kitchen. I was going to make some breakfast but I then I remembered that I don't like to cook. Sorry."

"That's alright."

"There's cereal, pop tarts or if you want, you could cook up something up."

"Any juice?"

"In the fridge." I said. "Help yourself to anything you see in there."

I turned my attention back to the newspaper.

"Oh, I nearly forgot, your buddy came into the bar the other day." Nick said, sitting down next to my desk with a tall glass of juice.

"My buddy?"

"Yeah, that guy you used to come in with all the time."

"Oh?" I said casually, trying to maintain a neutral tone.

Of course he was talking about Jorge. I disliked thinking about him, it made me melancholy. What I really wanted to know was if he'd come in alone or with someone, but I didn't ask. It felt too much like an act of desperation.

"So what's the deal? You guys don't hang out together anymore? Nick asked.

"No, I suppose we don't." I shrugged, nonchalantly.

"Oh, I thought maybe you guys were still tight." He said. "What happened? Did he find out about you?"

I looked up from the paper at him. I almost laughed. He was probing. Perhaps testing the waters to see what was what.

"Find out about me?" I asked smiling.

"Yeah, that you're gay."

Now I did laugh.

"I object to being characterized as gay." I said.

It was his turn to laugh now.

"What would you call it then?" He chuckled.

"I don't know." I said. "But the word gay implies a lot of things that don't really apply to me."

"For instance?" He asked still chuckling.

"For instance, when people hear the word gay or bisexual, all of sudden they want to define you by a sexual identity rather than by who you actually are or who they perceived you to be before they heard that word.

"Lots of people hear the words gay or bisexual and immediately think of some mincing little fairy or some crusader who is out to make over the whole world in their queer image or some sort of sexual predator.

"Even if they've known you for a long time, some people can't help conjuring that image of an effeminate little weakling, out to jump the bones of every man they lay eyes on.

"There are lots of guys out there who don't identify with those words because they simply don't apply. Life is rarely as simple as the labels we tend to hang on people.

"Why do I have to wear any label at all. I'm just a guy. And there are millions of others out there just like me, who don't want to fit into some lame stereotype or preconceived notion of who they are or who they should sleep with.

"It seems ridiculous to exclude nearly half the population based on their gender. If someone is good to me, I'll be good to them and that's all that matters."

Nick's brow had clouded over while I rambled, but when he saw that I was finished his face brightened again.

"Are you done?" He asked.

I sighed in exasperation, shaking my head.

"No dude, I get it. A simple man with complex tastes." Nick chuckled. "Now can we move on?"

"That's a bit of an over simplification, but yeah, I suppose we can move on." I conceded.

"Jeez, lighten up, dude." He said, still smiling.

I scoffed again.

"Been waiting a long time to get that off your chest, have you?"

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Feel better?"

"A little." I laughed.

"So anyway, what did happen?" He prompted.

It took a moment for me to realize what he meant. I had rambled on for so that I'd forgotten what we were talking about.

"Did you make a move on him or something?" Nick asked.

"Of course not. I don't have any moves." I said truthfully. "Actually, we broke up."

"What do mean broke up?" Nick questioned. "You mean you guys were together-together?"

"Yeah."

"Wow, that's unbelievable." He said. "And you broke up?"

"Yep."

"I suppose in hindsight, I can see it. I mean, you never even looked at me twice when you came in with him."

"Dude, I'm telling you, I was not flirting with you."

"Whatever." He said with a dismissive gesture. "Why'd you break up?"

"Its complicated."

"Try me."

"Well, Jorge is was the head of the history department at the university where I used to teach a computer programming class. He's a brilliant man, speaks several languages fluently and has an amazing amount of knowledge on nearly everything. Yet he's very congenial about it, unlike most of those intellectual snobs who like to call themselves his peers or contemporaries.

"He's more like pop star than a dean at that school. Everyone loves him there, students and faculty alike.

"The amazing thing is that he's only a few years older than me. I suppose he's been on the fast track all of his life. He was already published several times over by the time he was twenty-five.

"Sounds like a hell of guy." Nick said.

"Yeah, I can't recall exactly how we met but we became friends. You know baseball games, drinking and hanging out. Nothing out of the ordinary."

"How long were you guys 'friends'?"

"A few years, I guess."

"So why'd you break up?"

"You know the guy I was talking to at the party last night, Jason? Well, he's the son of a very good friend of mine from back east. He was having some problems getting his life together, so it was decided that he's come out here and stay with me."

"No, I can't say that I remember him, I was a little preoccupied at the time, if you recall." Nick commented.

"Oh, well, anyway, he's a really good guy and I'd rather die than have him find this out, but Jorge took issue with him living here with me. And even though I assured him there was nothing going on between Jason and I, he remained unconvinced. I can't say that I blame him.

"Of course, there was just no way I was going to kick Jason out. His dad, Andrew, has done so much for me over the years. He was my boss at one time, but also a good friend and mentor. He's like a father to me in many ways. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for him.

"Andrew helped me and another guy broker a deal to sell a software package that we developed for a great deal of money to a large corporation. Thanks to him, I'm pretty much set for life.

"And there's also that fact that Jason really seemed to need me. I mean he was really floundering, aimless and headed for big trouble. There was really no question.

"And that was that. Jorge gave me an ultimatum and I haven't seen him since."

"Wow, I had no idea." Nick sympathized.

"Yeah well, whatever." I said, trying to sound like I was over it.

"And so you and Jason?"

"No, nothing like that." I said. "Well, actually there was some monkey business years ago, when I went back east for Andrew's last wedding, but I put an end to that before ever agreeing to let him come live with me."

"Those were the conditions, that there was to be no fooling around between us and that he finish grad school. So I took him under my wing, much like his father had done for me so many years before."

"And now?"

"Well, now he's got his own place, finished grad school and is quite the upstanding citizen. Of course, he still treats this place like his own and likes to tell people that I'm his older brother even though we look almost nothing alike.

"He's come a long way from the spoiled, little brat he was when I first met him. Andrew is very grateful. And I would do nearly anything for him."

"Well, sounds like you made the right choice."

Nick's eyes were studying me and starting to make me a little uncomfortable because I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"Its still hard to believe that you guys were together. You both seemed so, I don't know, like regular guys." Nick said. "Sometimes you just never know."

I wanted to get off this topic. I was tired of thinking about Jorge and the past.

"Anyway," I said, "what about you?"

"Oh yeah, that reminds me, I've gotta call and see if that place is still available." Nick said, suddenly distracted.

"What place?"

"Oh, I started looking around for another place about two weeks ago." Nick said. "I guess it was inevitable. Nicole's been out of control for a while now. Can I use your phone?"

Nick made a few quick calls and took off.

As soon as Nick was gone Jason showed up.

"Hey, you wanna go to the batting cages?"

"Yeah, let's go."

"Who was that on his way out when I was coming in?" Jason asked on the way out to my Jeep.

---

On the way to the batting cages Jason questioned me endlessly about Nick. He was so full of questions that I was hardly able to concentrate on my swing.

"Dude, I told you he's just a friend." I said, missing three balls in a row.

"Why does he look so familiar?" Jason asked.

"Do you see this bat? You know what I'm going to do with it if you don't stop bugging me don't you?"

"Why does he looks so familiar?" Jason asked.

"Alright, that's it! Out of here, out of the cage!" I ordered. "You're driving me crazy."

Later that evening Nick called and asked me to meet him at some seedy bar in the valley. I agreed. When I got there I didn't see him anywhere, so I hung around near the bar sipping a beer.

I was astonished when the band came on the stage. There was Nick standing up there with some other guys. They played a full set of cover songs with Nick singing lead and playing rhythm guitar. They were quite good.

When the set was over Nick joined me at the bar.

"I didn't know you were in a band."

"I'm not really. I just fill in when their singer isn't available." Nick said. "He's in like two other bands."

"You're really good."

"Thanks."

He introduced me to the good looking, Asian bass player and the extraordinarily handsome, black guy who'd been on the drums. The other guitar player was too busy with his groupies to be bothered.

"You guys got any original songs?" I asked.

"Yeah, but Nick's too busy to come to practice and learn them." Jack, the bass player said.

Kurt, the drummer told me where they'd be playing next. He was gorgeous and I had to force myself not to stare. In fact, they were all quite good looking. Not at all your typical band.

Nick followed me back to my place when the bar closed.

"Dude, I am very impressed." I said. "I didn't know you could sing like that."

"Yeah, well, I just do it to help those guys out. I don't really have any passion for it like they do." Nick said.

---

Some days later, I helped Nick move his belongings out of Nicole's apartment and into, of all places, a trailer park. Before then I hadn't known that Nick owned a motorcycle. I cleared a spot in my garage for him to park it and he drove his pickup.

"Not that there's anything wrong with it, but why'd you pick this place?" I asked.

"Well," he said, hefting a large duffle bag onto his shoulder, "I had to get out of Nicole's ASAP and this was fast, affordable and not too far from work."

"I see."

"Besides, wait until you meet the manager. He's kind of out there." He laughed.

The whole time we were moving his things in I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He was wearing tight jeans and t-shirt that seemed painted on his finely chiseled torso. Every time he bent over flexed in some way, I was enthralled by his masculine beauty and the adeptness in his simple movements. The way the sinews in his upper back and arms rippled, the way his butt muscles flexed, it was absolutely captivating.

When we were done Nick and I kicked back in his new digs and chugged a few beers.

He came over to where I was sitting on the counter top and stood right between my knees. For a minute he just stared at me, then he grabbed the back of my neck, pulled my head to his and kissed me.

"You wanna get it on, don't you?" He said, unfastening my belt. "I know you've been thinking about it all day."

"I have?" I asked.

"You have." He smiled. "You've had that look all day long. I could almost feel your eyes burning into my backside. There was one point when I think I saw a little drool in corner of your mouth."

"You're lying!"

We both laughed then kissed again.

Just then there was knock on the door, which startled both of us. Nick took a step back from me, composing himself and I tried to assume a nonchalant posture.

"Come on in, its not locked." Nick shouted.

The manager of the trailer park opened the door and came in. He dressed so androgynously, that at first I wasn't sure it was a guy. Then he started to speak and I knew he was man putting on a very effeminate falsetto voice.

"So, I see you're all settled in." He said, sashaying in the tiny little space of the trailer.

"Yep, all done." Nick smiled cordially. "Oh, this is Craig, a very good friend."

Somewhere on the edge of my consciousness, I was vaguely aware that Nick had stressed the word 'very', but I was too awestruck by this strange looking little guy who'd just walked in to take much notice.

I was about to hop down off the counter and shake his hand when I remember that my belt was undone so I just sort of waved and smiled.

The odd little guy gave me the once over and then gave Nick the same examining look, rolling his eyes and clicking his tongue. I was a little amused and repulsed all at the same time.

"Well, you'll let me know if you need anything." He said, looking back and forth between Nick and I. "Anything at all, okayyy?"

"Yeah, I sure will." Nick smiled, making a move toward the door. "Thanks for stopping by."

After he left we just stared at each other for a moment and then started to giggle like little boys.

"Wow!" I said.

"Yeah, he's been trying to get my attention since the first day he showed me the place. I told him that I was seeing someone, you know, just to keep him at bay."

"Not your type, eh?"

"I don't have a type, per se." He said. "But if I did, he certainly wouldn't be it."

I just watched his handsome face as he talked. Nick went over and locked the door.

"Now, where were we?" He asked, stepping right up to my body and staring at me.

We held onto each other kissing and groping. Then I turned Nick around and bent him over the bolted down table.

After peeling down his jeans, I worked his asshole open with some olive oil before lubing up myself up. I slowly slid the entire length and girth of my steely hard cock up into that sweet little butt of his.

Nick just made guttural growling animal sounds and pounded his fist on the table top as I entered him. I was a little surprised at his ability to take it all in one fell swoop, but then he reached back urging me to be still once I was as deep in him as I could get.

I could think of nothing but how magnificent his body looked. The vast, muscular expanse of his upper back and shoulders, every muscle tense and rippling as he strained to accommodate my intruder. The way his back dramatically tapered down to his very narrow waist and his beautiful, tight little butt pushed right up against my crotch. These are the moments that make life worth living. This connection, this warmth. But its so fleeting.

My cock throbbed and pulsed inside that tiny little opening of his, stretching it wide. His white knuckled hands gripped the far edge of the table and he seemed hardly able to breathe for a while. Then slowly, the panting gave way to deep breathing and finally he lifted his head and began to stroke himself under the table.

I eased my rod out of him, nearly to rim and immediately pushed right back into him. He let out a loud sigh and dropped his head to the table again. Then I began to fuck him, pounding that sweet little ass like there was no tomorrow.

Nick took my relentless hammering like a champ. He made almost no noise until he began to cum. Then he pounded the table top with his fist while stroking himself into oblivion with his other hand. I could feel every pulsing shot he spewed as his tightly contracting ass muscles gripped my cock.

This, of course set my orgasm in motion and my body seized like it was shot through with a jolt of electricity. I began shooting deeply inside him. I fucked and pounded and pushed as I fired round after round of my hot juices inside Nick. I couldn't seem to get close enough or deep enough into him. I pushed and shoved and worked my hips until my knees were ready to give out.




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 02



Waking up with a big rough hand other than my own down my shorts is always a little surprising. It certainly doesn't happen very often. Actually, it almost never happens.

For some reason Nick can't resist my morning wood. In fact, he's always grabbing at my package when he thinks no one is looking. I think it amuses him to see how much it embarrasses me.

Before I met Nick, I was accustomed to sleeping alone. I like my space, always have. Indeed, I rather enjoy being able to sprawl out all over my king size. But he likes to sleep over and I don't discourage this behavior, in fact I mind at all.

Nick's a very cool guy. I don't believe I've ever met anyone who doesn't like him. I believe that was the first thing that I noticed about him, the way he seems so absolutely amiable with everyone. Well, that and his eyes.

His deep set hazel eyes, constantly ablaze under a pair of thick, jet black eyebrows that perfectly match his short wavy hair. He's got what I like to refer to as bedroom eyes. They seem to sort of slant down slightly at the corners giving him a heavy lidded, sort of sly, sort of sleepy, sexy look.

Oh, and then there's his body! Even at first glance you can tell that he takes great care of himself. Since we met, we've both engaged in a sort of unconscious competition that keeps both our bodies looking really great. We're about the same height, so its easy to match each other's muscle tone and definition. Although I do out weight him by a few pounds.

At six foot, he's very lean and muscular. But its his ass that really sets him apart. Its absolutely perfect.

The first time I really noticed him was at the sports bar where he works. He was wearing a pair of chinos and I just couldn't take my eyes off that high, tight, round little ass of his. Every time he turned his back to me, I swear I could feel a little drool start to form under my tongue.

Then he spoke in that pleasantly mellow baritone voice of his and I could barely respond. Nick is handsome in a strong masculine way, much like his voice, his looks appeal to everyone.

You could never describe him as a pretty boy. Nick is all man. Very rough around the edges and sometimes very disgusting, just like me. You'll never catch him primping or doing anything that will remotely enhance his image. He's a studly guy in every respect. But he does have something of a boyish appeal about him.

From what I've observed, men, women, children, even pets seem to dig him. He just gives off a good vibe. He's sexy, alluring and innocent all at once. You can tell right away that he's the kind of guy who doesn't take himself or anything else too seriously.

There was nothing in his manner that would lead me to believe that I'd ever have a shot with him. So, I didn't even try. At least not consciously.

Curiously, and according to him, it was he, who first made a play for me, which I still find hard to believe. And again, according to him, all of his efforts to attract my attention had been summarily rebuffed. I don't really remember it that way. But, of course I was somewhat preoccupied at the time.

Its amazing that we ever got together at all. Neither of us knew that the other liked guys.

Now, as he tightened his grip on my member, I instinctively reached down and held his hand still through the thin fabric of my boxers.

Seems I'd been having a very erotic dream and was pretty close to shooting when I awoke to his touch.

Just then his cell phone rang, Nick pulled his hand out of my boxers and answered it.

Minutes later, he was dressed and hurriedly on his way to the door.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I'm not sure yet." He grumbled distractedly. "That was the manager at my trailer park."

"You want me to come with?"

"Nah, I'll call you when I find out what's going on."

Later that morning, Nick phoned to tell me that he was at the police station. I could hardly believe what he told me.

"I'll be back as soon as I can." He assured me.

The day seemed to drag on endlessly as I waited for Nick to get back or call or something.

All the waiting around was driving me crazy, so I decided to go downstairs to workout.

By no means am I a body builder, I just like to keep fit. And since there's room, I use the extra space on the ground floor behind the garage as a weight room, laundry and storage space.

Piling on the weight I completely forgot that I was home alone. It hadn't occurred to me that doing decline bench presses with this much weight and having no one here to spot me might be trouble.

So, I went for it. After two sets I was feeling good and had forgotten why I was waiting. Sometime into my workout, I lost my concentration and no matter how much I struggled, I just couldn't seem to heft the weight back up onto the rack.

Just as I was about to give up the sound of heavy boots shuffling across the concrete floor.

"Push!" A voice urge.

I opened my eyes to see Nick's crotch right over my face.

He lifted as I pushed. Together we got the weight back up onto the rack above my head.

"Thanks." I said breathlessly.

"What's with all the weight?" He questioned.

"Never mind that, what did the police say?"

He cocked a quizzical eyebrow and simply turned toward the back door. I followed him out and up the back stairs to the deck.

Passing through the sliding doors he said, "You could have been trapped under there for a long time."

"Forget about the weights, will you?" I said impatiently as I following him inside the house. "What did they say?"

"They found traces of some sort of incendiary device." He said looking extremely serious.

"A bomb? Someone tried to blow you up?" I asked incredulously.

"Well yeah, my trailer anyway." He shrugged. "Good thing I was here with you all night."

Just then Jason walked in the door.

"What's going on?" He asked.

"Someone blew up Nick's trailer." I said.

"Well, he looks alright to me." Jason smirked. "Besides, who would want to kill a bartender from Santa Barbara?"

Narrowing his eyes and shooting him a look that made it clear that he was in no mood, Nick turned and went into my bedroom.

"This is serious, you little shit!" I snapped at Jason. "He could have been hurt or worse."

"What?" Jason shrugged innocently. "I was just kidding around."

Sometimes Jason has a way irritating me beyond belief. I couldn't tell if he was really trying to be funny or if he was just being a snotty fucker because he didn't care much for Nick. Jason often puts people off because he seems to think that he's better than everyone else. A direct result of his father being rich and him being spoiled.

Ironically, his father, who was once my boss and is still a good friend, doesn't care much for his son's attitude either, which is how he came to be living out here on the west coast with me rather than still living in his dad's house back in Ohio, where we're both originally from.

Jason has long since gotten his own apartment not far from here, but still drops by my house unannounced and more frequently than I care for. I don't say much about it because I owe it to his father, to keep an eye on him while he's out here.

In fact, I owe his father, Andrew a great deal. He's pretty much responsible for my great success in life, both personal and professional. He took me under wing when I worked for him and mentored me until I was ready to strike out on my own. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be where I am today, rich and powerful in my own right.

"What do you want anyway?" I asked Jason, barely concealing my contempt.

"I need a reason to come see you now?" He asked feigning offense. "I have to say, I'm more than a little hurt."

This was another thing I was starting to dislike about Jason. The disingenuous manner he has of always assuming the role of the innocent, injured party. Lately, his transparent, insincere behavior has been verging on repugnant.

"Right. Sorry about that." I said. "I'm just a little on edge. Why don't you come back later. We've got some stuff to work out here, okay?"

"Yeah, alright." Jason said as he left.

I went into my bedroom to find Nick lying on the bed with his hands behind his head. He appeared to be deep in thought.

"So?" I asked, eyeing him with inquisitive attention.

"So what?"

"So what the fuck is going on?"

"Don't know yet. The police said they'd get back to me if they found out anything."

"In other words, don't call us, we'll call you." I said. "They don't have any suspects?"

He just shrugged.

"Well, what do you think?"

"I don't know." Nick said after a moment's thought.

"Does your ex know where you live, I mean where you used to live?"

"Who Nicole?" He shook his head. "She's not that industrious. Besides, all of Nicole's motivation and energy goes into being Nicole."

"Yeah." I nodded pensively.

I don't know anything Nick's ex, but I sort of trust his instincts. I down at him lying there, pondering the situation. Who would go to the trouble to blow up a place that he only barely lived in? Unless there was something he wasn't telling me.

I decided to take a shower. I'd worked up quite a sweat during my workout.

While soaping myself in the shower, I thought about what to do next. By the time I was done and toweling off, I'd made up my mind.

Putting on a clean t-shirt and shorts, I sat down on the edge of the bed next to his prone body.

"I want you to move in here." I said.

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"You don't?"

"I don't know." He shrugged.

Having put forth the suggestion, I wasn't so sure about the idea myself. I was operating purely on instinct and I knew if I thought too much about it I would be able to talk myself out of it. Still, I pressed on.

"Well, in actuality, you've already been living here since you moved out of Nicole's place, haven't you?" I asked rhetorically. "I mean that trailer was really nothing more than a storage shed."

"It was more than that." Nick objected, smiling at me for the first time.

"So what? You just don't like it here?" I queried.

"Of course I like it here. That's not the issue." He said.

"Well what is the issue?"

"Its just that, that was 'my' place. My own space. You know what I mean?"

I did. I understood completely. Normally, I'm not so generous with my living space, but given the circumstances and the nascent nature of the relationship between Nick and I, this felt like the right thing to do. Still, I had reservations about cohabitation. But I kept them to myself.

"I see your point." I said. "Okay, how about this then, you'll look around until you find a suitable place. Taking your own time of course. I mean, I wouldn't want you to end up in another shanty town, trailer park, like before. No offense intended."

"Hey, I kinda liked that trailer." Nick laughed.

"I'm just saying," I shrugged, smiling, "you can stay here as long as you like."

Nick just lay there, looking up at me impassively with those beautiful eyes. Then he smiled again.

"So what's the rent like here?" He asked.

Looking him up and down, I was tempted to say something trite and unoriginal about trading sexual favors for his rent, but I thought better of it.

"You're a guest, not a tenant."

"Alright then." He smiled, eyeing me warily. "Thanks."

"Good, its settled then." I smiled, extending my hand. "We'll fix up the loft any way you like. You can sleep up there or wherever you want."

Nick sat up, took my hand, shook it twice. Then he forcefully yanked me towards himself. His strength always surprises me. Even though we're just evenly matched in size and muscle tone, Nick is amazingly quick and agile.

We lay there face to face for a second, his beautiful hazel eyes blazing into mine. The we both laughed as he pulled me into a headlock.

Nick knows how much wrestling arouses me. Its like foreplay for me.

Laughing, I immediately began to grapple with him for dominance.

In seconds, we were wrestling around on the bed like little boys, laughing and struggling against each other, Nick and I easily lost ourselves in each others' friendship and camaraderie.

Before I knew it my dick was completely swollen and throbbing as we both expended enormous amounts of energy just to keep from being maneuvered into a subservient position.

Articles of clothing begin to disappear as we tussle with each other. T-shirts, shorts, underwear flying off one by one.

Somehow, I end up flat on my back with Nick straddling my chest, his long thick cock pointing straight at my chin. From this angle it appears quite huge. Before I knew it, Nick had his enormous cock head pressed to my lips, caressing and coaxing them apart.

Never having been a big fan of sucking dick, I considered balking at his request. But looking up at him, at his beautiful face and body, I couldn't help being wildly turned on as I ran my hands over his amazingly sculpted torso.

Nick is extraordinarily good looking without the slightest trace of vanity or conceit. He has a magnificent body and an exceptional personality as well.

As our eyes locked on each other's, it occurred to me that this man possesses a rather rare combination of human attributes. Statically, he's the equivalent of a rare and endangered species. More importantly, he seems genuinely fond of me.

If anyone on the planet ever deserved a blowjob, it was Nick. Moreover, he'd do it for me without hesitation. In fact, he often does.

My tongue shot out to greet his massive knob pressing against my lips. I labored to bathe the crown and first few inches in saliva before opening my jaws wide, accepting his steely hard sword into my mouth. Its thick veins standing out in sharp relief along the enormous column of flesh gave me a great deal of erotic pleasure.

Nick's strong hands caressed my head as my own hands squeezed and massaged his firm, round and muscular ass cheeks. My finger tips teased at his asshole while my other hand found and fondled his tightly wound testicles.

Gobbling and licking, I let Nick slide his cock over my tongue to the back of my throat again and again, stretching my lips wide with each pass. His dick and posture rigid with a singular purpose, I could feel that he was very close to release.

Abruptly he stopped all movement, as if to stave off his impending eruption. Slowly extracted his thick meat from my mouth he slid himself down my torso until he's straddling my waist. Then he reached behind himself and found my swollen, straining cock just waiting for some attention.

Nick's salacious eyes acknowledged my plea for immediate coupling. A little smile stole over his beautiful full lips as he positioned my dick head right against asshole.

First rubbing it around a bit to find just the right connection point, he planted one hand on my chest to brace himself, the other hand guided me into his hole.

With a tremendous force of effort, Nick pushed himself back onto my throbbing pole as a barking groan escaped his throat.

I could feel every tight muscle in his ass straining against the invasion as he forced my thick cock head past the threshold of his asshole and into his body.

Sliding inside Nick is like nothing else I've ever experienced. Its almost like doing battle with him. His ass muscles constantly resisting the invasion of my tremendous cock muscle. Its always very intense and the friction is sometimes almost unbearable.

Holding an deep and forceful eye contact with me he pressed his hips down driving more and more of my long, thick shaft up into himself. As I invade his body, his eyes never leave mine. Those eyes, those beautiful eyes are so expressive and intense.

Hovering over me, Nick's gaze seemed to bored into me my soul as he gave himself to me. The furrow in his brow, the flex of his strong leg muscles, the grip of his powerful hands on my chest as the heat of his hot hole envelopes my thick, pulsing rod was nearly overwhelming.

Once he's taken all that he could, Nick leaned forward and embraced my torso. I hugged him right back and kissed his neck as I stroked and caressed the strong, lean muscles of his body.

My dick feels huge and potent wedged halfway up inside him. Its all I can do to keep from shoving more of my cock into him immediately. But I that would be extremely painful for him. The sweat pouring off his body and the slight tremble of his muscles tells me that he's doing all he can to bear the pain as it is, so I give him a moment of respite to allow his widely stretched hole accommodate my hard cock.

Eventually, I started to work my hips and slide in and out of him. We held onto each other as I eased more of myself into and out of his body. The feeling is incredible. Hot, tight, amazing.

Nick's body went rigid as he finally sat upright and began to work his ass up and down my cock. Again establishing eye contact, he began to jack his own hard dick. One hand on my belly and the other frantically stoking his own member, as he began a slow ride up and down my dick.

His knees planted firmly on either side of me, the heat from his butt steadily driving me toward the edge. Nick's eyes, his body, the sweaty contact, everything about him seems to be conspiring to drive me wild.

Suddenly, his mouth dropped open and his eyes shot to the top of his head as he shuddered deeply. His hips rocketed jerkily as he unloaded all over me.

Each shot seized his body like a jolt of electricity was firing through him. The first shot reached my neck and chin, the second and third fired over my head as the trails of each shot land on my face and chest. His asshole strangling my cock with each contraction, sending wave after wave of pleasure through my body.

It was more than I could stand. I grabbed his waist and thrust upward with all my might again and again until I exploded deep inside his butt. His hot, tight ass ring still clenching around my rod only served to intensify the sensations already tearing through my body, up my spine and exploding in my brain.

"Oh God!" I screamed as my body seized violently.

Thrust after thrust, wave after wave, I throw myself into him. For one wild moment it seemed like it would never end. Wave after wave of sweet bliss crashed through my soul. I was nearly delirious. My hands grasping at him, my toes furiously grabbing curling and uncurling. My rapid breathing has sent me into hyperventilation and for a moment, there's nothing. The entire world is blotted out of my consciousness and I'm floating there all alone.

Then, just as suddenly as it began, it begins to end, leaving me with a slight tingling sensation all over my body. I can feel it slipping away, yet I know that I want more. My dick is still hard and I resume my thrusting motion.

"Easy big guy. That hurts." Nick calmly protests.

He began to disengage my still hard cock from his ass when I stopped him.

"Don't move." I commanded.

He leaned forward again and embraced me. We lay there on the bed, locked in each other's arms for a while, me still deep in him. I can't stop my cock from throbbing inside him.

Soon the moment passed, Nick palmed my face like a basketball and shook my head back and forth vigorously. We both laughed as he got up and headed off to the bathroom.

While he was gone, I just lay there on the bed, thinking. Wondering if I'd made a mistake.

Now that he officially lived here, I had to wonder if that would change our relationship in any way. I supposed it would but I didn't care to think about it just now. Finally my dick was completely deflated.

After a while Nick came out bare-chested, with only a pair of boxers on and dropped a warm wash cloth on my face.

Just the sight of him made my dick start to jump and twitch again. Yeah, I made the right decision.

---

That night in bed, after he'd fallen asleep, I just stared at him. "My God, he's beautiful, inside and out", I thought. Those thick, bushy eyebrows, those full, cherry red lips, that tautly muscled body. And don't even get me started thinking about that perfectly sculpted bubble butt.




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 02



What was I thinking? I'd gone out with Charles the night before planning on dinner and either a party or a movie, ending with me heading home alone. Instead, I woke in the morning naked with Charles's arm draped over me. His eyes were already open, and he smiled when he saw I was awake. "Good morning, sexy."

"Morning." I gave him a peck on the lips. "How are you this morning?"

"How am I? Hmm. I'm waking up with a hot, naked woman in my bed. I think I'm pretty good. Did you sleep well?"

"I slept great. Someone wore me out."

Charles grinned. "Who could that have been?"

"I don't know." I snuggled against him. "Some sexy trucker I spent the night with last night."

"Oh? Was he any good?"

"He was amazing."

"So were you." He kissed the top of my head. "I want you to know, I wasn't expecting this to happen. I thought we'd just go to the party and maybe spend a little time here, but I didn't think it would end up the way it did."

"Are you complaining?" I held my breath, unsure what his response would be.

"Not at all. How could I complain? It was a wonderful night." 

His lips met mine, and he parted them with his tongue. After a moment, his hand found my breast and he moved his mouth to the side of my neck, the spot that drove me wild. I moaned and writhed against him. "Someone's horny again," he teased.

I reached down and felt his hard, thick cock. "More than one someone, I'd say."

"Maybe." 

He rolled on top of me, pinning me to the bed with my arms above my head, his hands around my wrists. He crushed his mouth hard against mine and rubbed his cock along my slit. His bare cock... What was I thinking? I broke the kiss. "Charles, you can't-"

"Not without a condom," he promised. "But this feels good, doesn't it?" His cock caught on my opening, but he stopped before he entered me. "It feels so good..."

"Mmm, yeah, it does." I shifted my hips so there was less danger of temptation taking over. My move brought his cock in contact with my clit. "Charles, please!"

"Please? Please what?"

Please fuck me, I thought, but couldn't bring myself to say it aloud. The night before, we hadn't fucked. We'd made love. I didn't know what he'd think of me if I used the f-word. I almost laughed at myself; I'd never had any problem saying "fuck" to anyone else. But Charles wasn't anyone else. "I- I think we need a condom now."

"I think you're right, before we get carried away." 

He moved off me and reached over to the nightstand where he'd put the box of condoms the night before. He chose one from the strip, opened it and put it on, then positioned himself on his knees in front of me. Grasping my ankles, he brought my legs to his shoulders. Without a word, he guided his cock to my opening and thrust it inside. I gasped as his thick shaft filled me. "Oh, Charles, yes!"

Like the night before, he was silent during our lovemaking, other than breathing more heavily. And as before, I more than made up for his lack of sound. "Charles, please! Oh, god, yes!"

In this position, each time Charles thrust into me, his cock rubbed against the most sensitive spot inside me. I came, wailing and moaning, twice before Charles gave a final hard thrust and collapsed onto me. 

He lay there for a few moments, both of us catching our breaths. Then he looked at the nightstand clock. "I have to get going, I'm afraid. I have to be in Massachusetts by noon."

"Darn." 

Charles got up and picked up his overnight bag. "I need a quick shower."

"I'll take one when I get home." Since I hadn't planned to spend the night with Charles, all I had to put on were the clothes I'd worn to the house party and a pair of panties I'd stashed in my purse just in case. I didn't see the sense in showering until I had a clean change of clothes. Fortunately, I only lived a mile from the hotel.

Charles shut himself in the bathroom. After fishing the clean panties out of my purse, I located my clothes on the floor where he'd tossed them the night before and quickly pulled them on. I stuck my thong from the night before in my purse, making a mental note to take it out when I got home. There was no way I could have worn it this morning, as coated as it was with my juices from the night before.

Charles was in the shower for only a few minutes. When he came out, fully dressed, he pulled me into his arms and flicked my lips with his tongue. "Tease," I said.

"Yep." He did it again, then allowed me to take his tongue into my mouth. We kissed for a few minutes before he broke it and said, "I wish I could stay, but I really do have to leave. Thank you for the wonderful evening and morning."

"Thank you. I had an incredible time."

"We'll have to do it again real soon. Are you planning to go to the holiday meet and greet on the eighth?"

"Yes, I am." I wouldn't have my kids that weekend.

"Then maybe we could go together.'

"I'd like that." More than I wanted to admit. I'd been afraid he wouldn't want to see me again, afraid that since I'd gone to bed with him, he'd gotten all he wanted from me. The relief that filled me now surprised me. What was I thinking? We'd had a good time together, and would if and when we saw each other again. But it couldn't be anymore than that. Could it?

Charles kissed me again and turned away to pick up his clothes from the night before. "I'll be on the road for the next few days, but I'll call or be online," he said. "You're an amazing woman, Kelly. I'm glad we went out last night."

"So am I, and you're pretty amazing yourself."

He looked at me for a moment. "Have you ever thought about being with two men?"

The question startled me into laughter. "You haven't read my profile on the chat site, have you?"

"Not all of it. Why?"

"That's the fantasy I put on there. Being with two men." What was I thinking? I shouldn't have said that. My face flushed.

"Well, you could definitely handle two. And I'd love to watch you with another man someday. Then again, I'm not sure I want to share you." He looked at the clock. "I really do have to get going, or I won't be where I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to be there. I'll walk you to your car."

He picked up his overnight bag, I got my purse, and we left. Walking down the corridor, we held hands. "What are your plans for the day?" Charles asked.

"Go home, shower, maybe do some writing," I replied. "And I have to pick up my younger daughter at some point."

"The other one lives with her dad, right? That must be hard for you."

"It is. I don't think it's a good place for her, especially where they're living now. He moved in with his girlfriend, and they've only been seeing each other a few weeks." I bit my tongue. Literally. "Sorry. You don't need to hear my drama with my ex."

"That's all right. If you don't think she should be there, why is she?"

"She wanted to live with him, and I got tired of fighting about it. I think she'll come back, though; I think she's starting to realize that it isn't a good situation."

"I hope so."

"Thanks. So do I."

We crossed the lobby to the desk, where Charles checked out, then went out to my car. Charles set his bag on the ground and pulled me to him. "Thank you again for a very enjoyable time," he said.

"Thank you, too." I smiled. "And to think we almost decided not to go to that party."

"I think we made the right decision." His lips touched mine and one hand found its way to my breast. I moaned softly. 

What was I thinking? We were in the hotel parking lot! Without breaking the kiss, I pushed his hand down. As much as I wanted his touch, as aroused as it made me, I wasn't about to be groped in a parking lot in daylight, in full sight of dozens of passing cars. His mouth curved into a smile against mine, and he slid his straying hand to my ass. 

"Are you nuts?" I asked. "People can see us!"

"And that's a problem?" He laughed. "All right. I can't help it if you're so sexy I can't keep my hands off you, but I'll behave. Are you going to go into the chat room when you get home?"

"Yeah. I'm in there too much."

"Do they know about your date last night?"

"I told them I had a date, but not who it was. Though if anyone's been paying attention, they know. Plenty of people were in there when Melinda asked if you'd go out with me." I shook my head. "Just like high school. 'My friend likes you; will you go out with her?'" 

"I'm glad she asked, because I was too shy to ask you out myself," Charles said. "You can tell them in the room that you went out with me. I don't mind people knowing."

I felt like my smile would split my face. "Okay."

Charles kissed me again, this time keeping his hands in the safe zone. "I have to go. I'll call you later, all right?"

"All right." 

He picked up his bag and walked away.

I got into my car and drove across the street to a convenience store. I needed coffee and something to eat. I could only imagine how I looked to the cashier: unshowered, hair messy (though the style I'd chosen was meant to be messy anyway), and a smile that must have lit up my entire face. "Have a nice day," he said after I paid for my purchase.

"Thanks, I already have," I replied.

Just as I pulled into my driveway, my cell phone rang. Charles's number showed on the screen. My smile grew as I answered. "Hello?"

"Hello." He sounded far too perky for the amount of sleep we'd gotten. "I just wanted to make sure you made it home all right."

"It was only a mile," I said.

"Well, I know, but even so. And I wanted to thank you again for a very enjoyable evening. And morning."

"Thank you, too. I had a great time."

"So did I, and I'm already looking forward to seeing you again. I'm on my way to Massachusetts now; I'm about ten miles from you. But I wanted to hear your voice again."

My heart melted. "It's nice to hear yours."

"Good. I have to go pay attention to driving, I suppose, but I'll call you later tonight, if that's all right with you."

"Of course it is."

"Okay. Talk to you then. Bye."

"Bye."

He hung up. I went inside, showered and put on clean clothes, and sat at my computer to enjoy my coffee and donut while I visited the chat room. "How was your date?" one of my friends typed to me.

"It was wonderful," I typed in response. "He's such a great guy. I can't stop smiling."

"Someone got some last night," another friend typed, teasing me.

"Yeah, but it was more than that," I replied.

A few others asked me questions about my date, but I didn't go into detail. And I didn't mention Charles's handle. It didn't feel right. I wanted everyone to know how amazing I thought he was, but at the same time, I wanted to keep the secret of who had put this huge smile on my face. 

I spent a little while in the chat room, then went on to my normal Sunday routine. Laundry; cleaning the house in preparation for my daughter's messing it up again when they got home; a few pages of writing on the teen science fiction/fantasy novel I was working on; and finally going to my ex's girlfriend's house to pick up my younger daughter.

I tried to act like I didn't care that I was leaving my older daughter behind with her father. Even though she clung to me; even though she took me aside and told me she was afraid to stay there. There was nothing I could do. She'd asked a couple weeks earlier if she could come back to me, but when I'd sat down with her and her father to discuss it, she'd changed her mind. She was old enough legally to make the choice; she'd made it and we both had to live with it. Even though my stomach and my heart twisted when I walked away from her. What was I thinking? How could I leave my child?

On the way home, my younger daughter chattered about the weekend and the arguments she'd had with her dad's girlfriend's kids. I nodded and "uh huhed" in all the right places, but I wasn't really listening; I was thinking about my older girl. At least it sounded like it had been a typical weekend; nothing too worrisome seemed to have happened. The following weekend, the girls would be at their dad's parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner and the family gathering, and then would be with me for the rest of the weekend. And I would have them the weekend after that as well, because my ex and I were rearranging the visitation schedule.

Despite worrying about my older daughter, by the time I got home, I'd mostly let it go. I couldn't do anything about it right then, and even with my concern, I couldn't stop smiling for long. The afterglow of my date with Charles was still there, making me smile so much that even my daughter noticed. "Mommy, why are you so happy?" she wanted to know.

"Because I had a date last night with a very nice man," I replied. 

"Oh. Yuck. When we get home, can I watch a DVD?"

"Sure." I laughed to myself at the change in subject. At nine, dating was the last thing on her mind. Thank goodness.

I waited all afternoon for my phone to ring, but the only time it did was when my ex called to tell me my daughter had left one of her toys at his girlfriend's. Finally, just after I put my daughter to bed, Charles called. "How was your afternoon?" he asked.

"It was okay," I said. "How was yours?"

"Just okay?"

"Well, thinking about a certain truck driver kept a smile on my face." I stopped myself from telling him about my family concerns. He hadn't called me to listen to me vent.

"Oh? Anyone I know?"

"I think you know him pretty well, since it's you."

"Oh, good. Just checking." 

We talked for what felt like only a few minutes. When Charles said, "I'd better go; we've been talking for half an hour and I have to watch my cell minutes," I had to check my clock. Sure enough, forty minutes had gone by.

"I'm glad you called," I said.

"So am I. It was nice to hear your voice. I'll probably be online tomorrow night, so we can talk then, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay. Bye."

* * *

I went to work the next day with a smile still firmly plastered on my face. My co-workers teased me and asked how my date had gone. "We had a great time," I said. "He's a wonderful guy. We're planning to see each other again." I brushed off any other questions, even though all I wanted to talk about was Charles.

Charles instant messaged me at seven o'clock that night. After some small talk about how our day had gone, he typed, "I have good news. At least, I hope you'll think it's good."

"What is it?" I typed.

"I'm going to be heading up that way Wednesday so I can spend Thanksgiving with my kids and grandkids. I should be able to make some time to stop in Portland for a few hours to see you."

"That would be wonderful!" What was I thinking? I didn't want to seem too eager to see him again. Definitely not as eager as I really was.

"Yes, it would be. We can go out to dinner, and whatever else you want to do."

"Maybe we can go shopping for an outfit for me to wear to the holiday party."

I was joking, but Charles said, "Yes, we can do that. I'd like to get you something nice."

He would? I definitely needed something new. I wanted to wear a nice dress, since I was going to have a date, but all I owned was a black spaghetti-strapped minidress that I'd worn to a party the previous summer. Most of the people who would be at the holiday party had seen it, and it wouldn't be warm enough to wear in December anyway. But I wasn't sure I could let Charles buy me anything. We didn't know each other that well yet. 

"Thank you, but you don't have to," I typed.

"Well, I know I don't have to. But if I'm escorting you to the party, I want you to have something nice to wear."

Arguing wasn't going to get me anywhere. "Okay. Thank you. When will you be here on Wednesday?"

"I'll have to let you know. Should be around six, but I can't make any guarantees. Will you have someone to watch your daughter?"

"She'll be with her father. There's no school Wednesday, which means I don't have to work, so I'm taking her to her dad's that afternoon."

"Oh, good."

We chatted for a few more minutes, until Charles had to sign off to get some sleep. I went through the rest of the evening with an even bigger smile on my face than I'd already had. What was I thinking? This was just another date. I shouldn't be this happy about seeing Charles again, even though it was much sooner than I'd anticipated.

* * *

Wednesday morning, I slept in. If I was going out with Charles that night, I'd need all the sleep I could get, especially if the date ended the way our first one had. My daughter was up early, as always, but stayed quiet until I got out of bed. "Am I going to Daddy's today?" she asked when I finally got up.

"Yes, so he can take you and your sister to Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow."

"Are you picking us up after dinner?"

"Yes, I am."

"Good, because I don't want to be at his girlfriend's this weekend. It's too loud there, and she keeps blaming me for things I didn't do."

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath. What was I thinking? I shouldn't keep sending her into that situation. I shouldn't keep letting my older daughter live in that situation. But what choice did I have? And it was normal for kids to dislike their parents' new partners after a divorce, wasn't it? "It'll be okay," I said. "You'll be at his girlfriend's tonight, but you'll be at your grandparents' all day tomorrow."

"Good."

That afternoon, driving to her dad's, I wished I could keep her home. But I reminded myself to think positively. Maybe things would be better this weekend. At least I knew my kids would be safe at their grandparents' the following day.

I took my daughter inside and hugged and kissed my older daughter more than I really needed to. "Are you coming to Grammy's for Thanksgiving?" she asked.

"No. I'm not going anywhere tomorrow." I'd been invited to the homes of two friends from the chat room, but I didn't feel like driving to Massachusetts for one afternoon. And I wanted to stick close to home in case the girls needed me.

"That's too bad." She studied me. "You're smiling, though. Are you seeing that guy again?"

"That guy's name is Charles, and yes, he's taking me out to dinner tonight." Good. The smile Charles had put on my face wasn't as genuine now as it had been; I was too concerned about my kids. But at least it seemed to have convinced my daughter.

My ex-husband was at work, so I spoke briefly with his girlfriend about when and where I'd be picking up the girls, then drove home. My instincts told me the girls would be all right, and one thing I'd learned in the time since I'd left my ex was to trust my instincts. I sent my worries to a box at the back of my brain and started putting myself in the right frame of mind for my date with Charles.

He called as I was driving home. "I should be there by six," he said. "I'm leaving Boston now. I've got my rig, so you'll have to pick me up. I'll call you when I get there and let you know where to meet me."

"Sounds good. I'm looking forward to seeing you."

"Same here. Figure out where you want to go to dinner. You're vegetarian, right?"

He'd remembered? I had friends who'd known me for months who couldn't keep track of the fact that I didn't eat meat or dairy. "Yeah. I usually have Chinese when I eat out. Or there's the buffet place at the mall; I can usually find something there."

"Well, since I'm taking you shopping, the buffet will probably do it. I have to go; traffic's pretty heavy here. I'll call you when I get close to Portland."

"Okay."

When I got home, I headed upstairs to try to find something to wear. The jeans I had on were okay, but the faded old sweater and T-shirt had to go. After agonizing in front of my closet for a few minutes, I finally chose a low-cut, long-sleeved black stretch top. Just in case things ended up in a hotel room, or in the cab of Charles's truck, I took a quick shower before I changed.




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 02



My phone rang at exactly six o'clock. "I'm here," Charles said. "Come get me."

"Where's here?" I asked.

"The same hotel as last time."

"You're at a hotel? I thought you had to get up to see your family tonight."

"Well, I thought they were expecting me at nine tonight, but I called on the way up. Turns out I don't have to be there till nine tomorrow morning. I hope it's okay with you that we have more time together."

"It's definitely okay!"

"Then come over to the hotel and get me. Call me when you get here and I'll come out to meet you. Bye." He disconnected the call before I could respond.

An entire night with Charles? Wonderful! It had only been a few days since I'd seen him, and we'd talked every day, but I missed him as much as if it had been a few weeks. What was I thinking? My feelings for him were too strong for the amount of time we'd known each other. 

But there was no need for me to act on what I thought I was feeling. I could just relax and see where it went. Charles seemed to feel the same way, so if it was too much too soon, at least I wasn't alone with it.

It only took me a couple minutes to drive to the hotel. I called Charles as soon as I was in the parking lot. "I'll be right there," he said.

I went inside to wait for him. When he saw me in the lobby, he put his arms around me and pressed his lips against mine in a sweet kiss. "It's good to see you," I said.

"It's good to see you too" He took my hand and we headed out to my car. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

We got into the car and I left the parking lot. "So we're going to the mall?" I asked.

"It's your car and your shopping trip."

"But it's your money."

He laughed. "Go where you want to go. I thought we were going to that buffet place for supper."

Right. We were. I drove us to the mall and was lucky enough to find a parking space close to the buffet. Charles tried to get out of the car before me, but was stymied by my nonfunctional passenger-side door. I laughed. "Sorry. I keep forgetting that doesn't open from the inside."

"You just want a captive audience," Charles said.

"Yeah, that's it." I got out of the car and let him out. "Sorry about that."

He kissed me. "I'm the gentleman. I'm supposed to let you out of the car, not the other way around."

"Well, next time I'll let you drive."

Inside the buffet, we took off our coats and got our food. When we sat down, Charles gave me an approving look. "You look lovely tonight."

I blushed. "Thank you."

"That's a very nice shirt."

"Glad you like it."

"Oh, I like it very much." He took a forkful of mashed potatoes, which he swallowed before speaking again. "So what kind of outfit do you want for the party?"

"I was thinking about that. A nice dress, or a shirt and skirt."

"Something short, I hope."

"Maybe. I was also thinking I might get some lingerie to wear under the dress. Or after the party."

"Ooh, I could help you pick that out. It should be for after the party, though. You shouldn't wear anything under it to the party."

"I shouldn't?"

"No."

"But it's December. I'll be cold."

"Then I'll just have to keep you warm, won't I?"

"Ooh, that could be fun."

"Yes, it could."

To get from the buffet into the main part of the mall when we finished eating, we had to go back outside. I shivered. "Are you all right?" Charles asked.

"Yeah, it's just cold out here."

"You should have worn a warmer jacket."

"Probably." I didn't own anything warmer; the most I could have done was wear a sweatshirt under my fall-weight L.L. Bean jacket. 

The first store we went to in the mall was the lingerie store. I knew exactly what I was looking for: something red or royal blue, sexy without being slutty. Something I would actually dare to wear. There was nothing like that in the store. "Pick out anything you like," Charles said. 

"What do you like?" I asked. "You're the one who's going to see me in it."

"I like anything you put on. It won't be on for long, anyway. And you'll be beautiful no matter what you wear. Including nothing."

I kissed his cheek. "You're very flattering."

"Well, it's the truth."

On one rack, I spotted something that was perfect. A blue satin and lace camisole and thong set, in my size, which was a tough one to find at that store. I held the camisole against myself. "Good color for you," Charles said. "Do you want it?"

I looked at the price tag. "Um, no." I put the set back on the rack. "That's a little more than I'd want to spend."

"You aren't spending it. I am. Do you want it?"

What was I thinking? It was a perfect set, and I thought for once I might actually feel sexy rather than lumpy in lingerie. This man, who had already treated me better than any man I'd been with, was offering to buy it for me. And I said, "No, that's all right. I'll find something less expensive somewhere else. The department stores here have lingerie."

"Then let's go see what we can find." He yawned. "I don't mean to rush you. We have all evening. But I've only had four hours sleep, so I'm a little tired."

"Four hours?"

"Well, I wanted to get up here to see you."

I felt warm inside. Charles wanted to see me that much? But I also felt guilty that he'd given up sleep. "I would have understood if you hadn't."

"I said I was going to see you tonight, and I keep my promises. Besides, how could I put sleep ahead of you?"

I smiled. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me, too."

We went into a few other stores. In each one, I found a dress or outfit I liked. And in each one, I decided that what I found cost too much. "Don't worry about the money," Charles kept saying. "I want you to have something nice."

But I wasn't used to having nice things, and was even less used to letting someone else give nice things to me. Charles had bills to pay, a budget to keep. How could I let him spend fifty dollars on a dress for me?

In one store, I found a beautiful silver tank top on a clearance rack. "This is nice," I said, after satisfying myself that the price wasn't too high.

"So you'll let me buy it for you?" There was a slight edge of irritation in Charles's voice. I'd turned him down too many times.

"I'm not sure." I held up the top and studied it. "It's beautiful, and I think I have a skirt that would go with it. But the party's in December; if we went out on the bar's deck, I'd freeze."

"That's why you wear a jacket."

"This is the only jacket I have," I admitted. "I don't think it would look too nice for the party."

"Um, no. Probably not."

Reluctantly, I put the top back on the rack. "It's okay. I'll look online; maybe I'll find something there."

"Let's go to Wal-mart," Charles suggested. "Maybe you'll find something there that won't give you sticker shock."

Wal-mart wasn't known for their party clothes, but I could tell how important it was to Charles to get me something. "Okay, we'll try that."

We went back to my car, and I drove the mile or so to Wal-mart. "I want you to have something sexy for the party," Charles said. "I want all the men to look at you." He hesitated. "But I don't think I want to share you."

"I don't want to share you either." 

"Hmm. Then let's not share. Let's just spend time with each other and see what happens."

"I like that idea." What was I thinking? Our second date, and I was already agreeing to be exclusive? But it felt so right. Even after only two dates with Charles, I couldn't imagine seeing anyone else.

We went into Wal-mart. "Look for a winter coat while you're here," Charles said.

"I have one." I plucked at the jacket I wore.

"I mean a warm one. You need it, don't you?"

I did need a new jacket; I'd needed one for a couple years. If Charles wanted to buy me one, I wouldn't argue. Much. At least it wasn't something I might only wear once or twice like a party outfit.

We wandered through the women's clothing section. Although I saw a few shirts that looked nice, I couldn't find a complete outfit. "It's all right," I told Charles finally. "I'll just find something online."

"What if you don't get it in time for the party?" he asked. "It's only a couple weeks away."

"I'll get it in time. I'll look for something tomorrow."

I headed for the exit, but Charles caught my arm. "Jacket, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I was hoping you'd forgotten."

"Not a chance."

We went back to the clothes. There were several racks of winter coats, but it took me only a second to spot the one I wanted. Brown faux suede. The price, though, was more than I wanted Charles to spend. I looked at the rack beside it. "These are only ten dollars."

"But you like those, don't you," Charles said, indicating the rack I'd been looking at.

"Yeah, but these are only ten dollars."

"Stop arguing with me and get the jacket you want."

I did. We went to the register and Charles paid for it. "Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome. I couldn't let you go to the party in that old blue thing. Just wish you'd let me get you an outfit."

"I'll find something online," I repeated. "Unless you want to go to another store."

"I think I've had my fill of shopping for tonight. Let's just go back to the hotel."

While we drove, I wished Charles would put his hand on my leg as he'd done on the way back from the party we'd gone to on our first date. I loved his touch, loved how it made me feel. Not that I needed his touch to arouse me tonight. The combination of just being near him and the kind things he'd done for me were enough.

At the hotel, I brought in my new jacket and we went to his room. "You didn't wear your coat," Charles said with a mock pout. "I'm going to cry."

I held up the bag. "I'll wear it tomorrow."

"Then let me hang it up for you."

I gave him the bag. While he hung up the new jacket, I took off my old one and set it on the chair. Standing on one foot, I kicked off my shoe, but lost my balance. As I tried to stay on my feet, Charles pushed me backward. I landed on my back on the bed, with Charles on top of me. "You look gorgeous tonight," he said.

"Thank you."

Our lips came together, and were parted by our tongues. Charles's hand pressed the back of my head, holding our mouths together. His other hand slid up under my shirt. His touch on my bare skin made me shiver from arousal and anticipation. It had only been a few days since our first- and second- time together, but it felt like weeks. I needed to feel his touch. I needed to feel his cock inside me.

What was I thinking? My body's response to Charles was even stronger than it had been the night of our first date. Every atom of me was on fire. When his hand found my breast, I thought I was going to come.

I moaned. Charles broke the kiss and smiled. "Does that feel good?"

"So good," I murmured. "Touch me, Charles."

He stood and pulled me to sitting so he could remove my shirt and bra. His hands returned to my breasts, covering them, rubbing the hard nipples as his lips found that sensitive spot on my neck. Within seconds I writhed in pleasure, crying his name. "Charles, oh god, please! Please!"

I wasn't sure what I was begging for, and Charles didn't ask. He kissed and nibbled my neck until he sent me into a frenzy, then moved his mouth to my breasts. Holding them together, he alternated between my nipples. I wailed wordlessly as my arousal peaked. I couldn't stand what he was doing to me; I felt like I would explode. I wanted him to stop so I could rest. At the same time, I didn't want him to ever stop.

Charles lay me down and undid my jeans. Slowly, he slid them off. He kissed my inner thighs and my belly, coming close to my pussy but never quite touching it. "Charles, please," I moaned again.

Finally he slipped a finger inside my thong, into my wetness. "Is this what you want?"

"Yes!"

His finger lightly brushed my clit. "This?"

"Charles, yes! Oh, my god!" 

"How about this?"

He pressed harder against my clit. My orgasm crashed in on me, harder than any I'd had yet with him. I moaned and cried out words I couldn't even hear. 

Charles took off my thong and kissed his way up my legs. He ran his tongue along my slit and thrust it inside me. I watched him as he tongued me, first my cunt then my clit. From between my legs, his eyes met mine and held my gaze as he ate me. His touch and his eyes on me brought me quickly to another orgasm.

"What do you want now?" Charles asked when my noises faded.

"I want this." I reached out and fondled the bulge at the front of his pants.

"You want it inside you?"

"I want it in my mouth."

"Ooh. I think I can handle that."

Charles stood and stripped, then lay on the bed, his head on the pillows. "Come here," he said.

I moved into his arms. Again we kissed, exploring each other's mouths with our tongues for a few moments before I pulled away. I kissed his neck, spending a few extra seconds on the spot where his neck and shoulder meant. He didn't seem as sensitive there as I was, but his breathing picked up; being kissed there definitely did something to him. 

I moved my mouth down his chest, pausing for a moment to bite his nipple. He jumped, and I laughed. "You had to do that, didn't you," he said.

"Well, you liked it when the woman at the party Saturday did it," I replied. "I thought I'd see what you thought if I did it."

"I think you'd better not do it again, or I won't be responsible for my actions."

"I'll take that to mean you liked it. I'll kiss it and make it better." I did, then continued kissing down his torso until I reached his cock.

Wrapping my hand around his shaft, I licked the tip of his cock, then sucked it. Charles shifted, and I moved so I could look up at his face while I sucked him. For a moment, I teased him by sucking and licking only his head, but finally I lowered my mouth over him, taking his cock as deeply into my mouth as I could. Even deeper, but when I gagged I had to back off. I slid my lips up and down his shaft, fucking him with my mouth. With one hand, I gently massaged his balls. 

When my jaw began to ache, I took him out of my mouth. I licked up one side of his cock and down the other, then continued down to his balls. I grasped his cock in my hand as I mouthed his balls, careful not to put too much pressure on them. How would he react if I went lower, if I brought my tongue to the spot between his balls and his ass? Or all the way to his ass?

What was I thinking? I couldn't do that, not without knowing beforehand what Charles would think of it. I'd done it to another man, who'd enjoyed it to the point that he'd almost exploded in my mouth afterward, but that man had asked me to try it. Someday I'd work up the nerve to ask Charles if I could do it to him. For tonight, I contented myself with a minute or two of attention to his balls, then returned my mouth to his dick.

I only sucked his cock for a few more minutes. The tension in his body told me he was close to coming, and I wasn't sure how long it would take him to get hard again if he came now. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I wanted him inside me so badly my cunt ached. I looked up at him and smiled. "Did you like that?"

"Oh, I liked it." He pulled me up to kiss his lips, then rolled us over so I was pinned beneath him. "Feel how much I like it?"

He rubbed his cock along my slit as he'd done the morning after our first date. I moaned and again begged him, "Please. Oh, my god, Charles, please!" 

This time I knew what I was asking for. I wanted him in me; wanted him so badly it was all I could do to keep myself from thrusting against him to bring him into my pussy. What was I thinking? We couldn't fuck without a condom. We hadn't discussed it; I didn't know anything about his history other than that he'd had other women since his divorce. And he knew nothing about me other than that I'd had other men. As much as I wanted to feel him, to feel his cum spurting inside me, I kept myself together enough for some common sense. "Where are your condoms?" I asked.

"Do you know how hard it is to resist fucking you without one? You feel so good!" Charles kissed me and went to his overnight bag. "But you're right. You have to keep me honest, Kelly."

He brought the variety pack of condoms to the bed and emptied its contents. "You pick. Which one should we use?" 

I read the label on each small packet and finally chose one that said, "Ultimate sensation." "This sounds good," I said.

"Yes, it does." 

He lay on his back, took out the condom, and unrolled it onto himself. "Come here," he said. "I want you on top."

Kneeling, I straddled him. As I lowered myself, he guided his cock to my opening. It took a couple tries before I managed to line myself up correctly to get his thick shaft inside me. "I'm always so awkward in this position," I muttered.

Charles thrust up into me. "You're just fine."

I rode him, but too slowly to satisfy myself. I enjoyed this position, but usually my partner did some of the moving. Charles lay mostly still, letting me have total control of the fucking, which would have been great if I could have managed to fuck him as hard and fast as I wanted. Besides, I wanted to feel him on top of me. Since missionary position was about all my ex-husband had ever done, I was usually bored by it, but with Charles it was far from boring. With him, it felt both safe and dangerous, as though he was protecting and controlling me at the same time. After a few minutes, I said, "I like this, but I want you on top now."

"I have no problem with that."

He tried to turn us over without pulling out of me, but I was a bit too clumsy to manage it. I fell off him, laughing as he moved his body on top of mine. "You think that's funny, do you?" he said.

"I think it's hilarious," I replied.

He lined himself up with my entrance and thrust hard. "What do you think about this?"

"I think that feels incredible!"

"Glad you like it."

As Charles moved in and out of my cunt, I met each of his thrusts with my own, showing him how badly I wanted him, showing him how hard I needed him to fuck me. As before, Charles was silent as we made love, but I could feel his pleasure and arousal as though it was my own. And as before, I felt that it was lovemaking, not just fucking. Dear god, how had I been fortunate enough to catch this man's attention? How had I managed to deserve someone so caring, so wonderful?

"Charles!" I cried out. "Oh, yes! Charles, you feel so good. Your cock feels so good inside me. God! Don't stop!"

Not that he showed any sign of stopping. He slid his cock back and rammed it in. My moan approached a scream. Apparently pleased with my reaction, Charles did it again. "If you keep that up, I'm going to come," I warned.

Which was, of course, exactly what Charles wanted. He did it again, and again. I lost words and only moaned and wailed as my orgasm neared. I'd never felt anything like the pleasure Charles was bringing me. When my orgasm finally hit, I screamed and felt my cunt clench on his cock.

More slowly, Charles thrust into me a few more times, then was still. Softly, sweetly, he kissed my lips. "That was wonderful," he said. "But I don't think you were loud enough."

I laughed. "You'll just have to try harder next time."

"I don't know if I can handle another time. You're insatiable!"

"Only for you," I said.

He flicked my lips with his tongue, but didn't allow me to deepen the kiss. "Is that so?"

"Yes, it is. Tease."

He licked my lips again. "This is teasing?"

"You know it is."

"Guess I'd better not do that, then. I wouldn't want to be a tease."

He brought his lips to mine in a true kiss, then turned and switched off the bedside lamp. I shivered. "Can we get under the blankets?"

"Of course." 

He got off the bed and pulled back the covers. I slid onto the bottom sheet and he pulled the covers over me, then slipped beneath them and pulled me against him. "Better?" he asked.




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 02



"Much better."

"Good." He kissed me softly. "You wore me out, Kelly. I need to get some sleep so I can be up bright and early to get home. I'll have to leave by seven." 

"Okay." That was too early; I wanted to be with him longer. But I could tell how important his children and grandchildren were to him. "Should we set the alarm?"

"Good thinking."

I got out of bed and set the alarm on the stand beside Charles for six o'clock, then went back to his arms. With my head on his chest, we held each other as we slid into sleep.



What Was I Thinking? Ch. 02



Well, there was no getting around it now. Nick was definitely inside the gates and my defenses were down. The cynic in my soul stepped forward shaking his head and threw up his hands in exasperation.

The hopefulness in my soul just relaxed and promised that everything would be alright.

Whatever happened from this point forward, one thing was certainly clear to me. I was in love with Nick. Even though the idea scared me a bit there wasn't much that I could do about it now.

The good thing is that I understand my fear. I own it and accept it. That's how I am able to keep it from controlling me.

But this is by no means an unconditional surrender. I may not be able to help the fact that I love him, but I can certainly control myself and more importantly, I can control my fear.

I'll just have to cowboy up and hope that when this thing goes off the rails, I'll be ready for it. I'll just brace myself for impact and deal with the fallout if and when it comes.

Loath as I am to admit it, Jorge, my ex, had caused a considerable amount of damage to my heart. Nothing that any red-blooded, mature man can't bounce back from, but you tend to accumulate emotional scars. Emotional scars are ugly, terrible things. And unfortunately, some person down the line usually pays the price for them.

Which is why I'd initially decided to keep myself emotionally detached from Nick. I certainly couldn't resist him physically, he's just too damn beautiful. And now it would seem that aside from his near aesthetic perfection, he's also quite beautiful on the inside as well.

I realized that I would have to make a conscience effort not to pile any of my past emotional baggage on Nick. He deserves better than that. Hell, so do I.

Nick knew some the history between Jorge and I. They'd even met on a couple of occasions. Not to mention the fact Nick's already read some of the stories that I'd posted on the Nifty Archive in the past.

After he'd read my stories "Shot Through The Heart" and "Apathy And Promiscuity", he seemed okay with it all. In fact, after reading them he seemed to draw even closer to me.

Just as I was thinking about reaching out to stroke his brow, his eyes popped open.

"What are you doing?" He asked sleepily.

"Thinking." I answered.

"Well, can you think in the other direction?" He said. "You're creeping me out."

Smiling, I turned away from him, towards the window and stared out at the night sky.

A few seconds later Nick cuddled up behind me and kissed the back of my neck.

"What's wrong, you horny again?" He asked snuggling against me. "You wanna crank one out while I watch? Or help?"

"No, that's not it."

"You're worried about your lawsuit?"

"No, my lawyer says that its just a nuisance suit. They're just looking a settlement."

"You gonna settle?"

"I don't know yet." I said.

In truth, I hadn't been thinking about that at all. I had just been watching Nick sleep. I like looking at him. But he was right, it is kinda creepy.

Nick's breathing told me that he'd fallen asleep again. I just stared out the window until I fell asleep.

---

"Going camping Friday. Wanna come with?" I asked.

"What, just you, by yourself?" Nick questioned.

"Yeah, just me. I'm gonna go sit out in the woods and just stare at the trees. Maybe find a few raccoons, some squirrels, you know. We'll all sit around the campfire, sing a few songs." I laughed. "Of course, not just me.

Apparently, Nick failed to see the humor. He just stared at me impassively.

"Anyway, you remember Scott, the guy I work with? We go every so often." I explained. "He's big on fishing, I just like the being in the woods, camping. Nothing special, we just hang out, do a lot of drinking."

"Sounds like a blast." Nick said indifferently.

Hmm, sarcasm. Okay, clearly I deserved that.

"No, it really can be a lot of fun. For instance, last time we brought a bunch of people along and we all went whitewater rafting. That was kinda cool."

"Uh huh." Nick uttered, still sounding completely uninterested.

"That's where ..."

Breaking off in mid-sentence I suddenly remembered that that was where I'd first met Marc and I'd just almost blurted it out.

Probably not a good idea to bring that up just now. Nick is generally a fairly even-tempered guy, but given the fact that he'd beat the crap out Marc a couple of weeks ago, I thought it best not to mention his name.

"That's where ..., what?" Nick asked, still barely interested in what I was saying.

"Nothing." I said, quickly changing the subject. "Besides, Scott asked me to invite you along."

"Maybe next time, huh?" Nick smiled.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"I don't know, you seem a little, I don't know, preoccupied? Out of sorts, perhaps?"

"Nah, I'm fine." He smiled again.

Okay, if he says he's fine, then he's fine. I know how much I hate it when someone continues badgering me after I've told them something once, yet they keep on pestering me about it.

Only he didn't seem fine. Sitting behind my desk, pretending surfing the web, I watched him as he readied himself for work. He didn't seem fine at all. Nevertheless, I let it go.

Nick didn't say anything else. He finished dressing and left for work. I started packing my gear for tomorrow's trip.

Later that night when Nick came in, I looked up to see him covered with dirt and debris.

"What happened to you?" I asked.

"Some asshole ran me off the road." He fumed.

"What? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, my bike's in worse shape than I am." He replied.

"Well, what happened?"

"I don't know. He just seemed to come out of nowhere and started my riding my ass and flashing his lights, so I tried to pull over to let him pass but he wouldn't. He just kept after me until he forced me off the side of the road. The he just blazed a trail out of there."

"Dude, you should call the police!"

"And tell them what, somebody scared me and I fell off my bike?"

"Well, you could at least report the incident."

"No thanks." He said, collapsing onto the recliner. "And I know what you're thinking, but that was definitely a guy behind the wheel of that truck."

Nick was probably right. I just stood silently looking him over for any obvious signs of injury. There were none.

"Do you want me to get you something?" I asked.

"Nah, I'm cool. Just need to calm down a bit."

I wanted to go over to him and wipe the dirt away and hold him. Instead I fixed him a drink and just sat quietly with him for a while.

A little while later after he'd cleaned himself up he came out onto the deck where I had resumed packing my camping gear.

"Listen, there's something I have to tell you." He said, quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Nicole's been hanging around the bar lately." He said.

"Uh huh."

He told me about all her efforts to win him back. Apparently she'd tried everything from pleading to alluding to a fake pregnancy.

I didn't know what to think. This revelation on the heels of the burning down of his trailer and the current incidence of him being run off the road. All sorts of things ran through my mind, but I didn't flinch.

"Okay." I said, getting up to get myself a drink.

He followed me back inside.

She wanted him back and I didn't blame her. Nick is a rare individual. Even having him as a friend is more than enough for anyone.

"And I know what you're thinking, but I know she didn't burn me out."

"Yeah," I nodded. "Actually, I wasn't thinking that at all."

"Anyway, she's just bored and lonely." Nick said. "In the past, I was always her 'bored and lonely' guy. Her 'go to guy' when all else failed, she could always turn to me when things weren't going so well in her life. Apparently, she's batted around the order and I'm up again."

"I see." I said carefully.

I was on precarious ground here. If he wanted to go back to her, he would go, regardless of what I said or felt. And I didn't want him to feel that I would stand in his way.

"Okay, so what now?" I asked.

He gave me the most curious look and then sighed. His posture was neither encouraging nor hopeful. Then his face went blank.

"Well, I've been her 'go to' guy for a long time." Nick said flatly.

I felt a little panicked but I also knew it wouldn't do any good to express that emotion if his mind was already made up. So I tried to be mature and looked him straight in the eye. I tried to think quickly and diplomatically.

"Listen man, your invitation to stay here is always open." I said. "No matter what you decide, I'd like you to always consider me your."

Nick's eyes glistened with more expression and emotion at that moment than I'd ever seen before. His eyebrows furrowed, then they arched up curiously. He stood and ran his fingers through my hair.

"Dude." He said gruffly. "It was never a question of whether I would go back to her. I was just a little troubled about the fact that I hadn't told you about it.

"Even if this thing between you and me doesn't work out, I would never go back to her." Nick assured.

"Alright." I shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant and feeling a wary sort of relief. "Up to you."

We made love like lost boys that night It was incredible.

"You sure you don't want to come camping?" I asked Nick.

"No, that's your guys thing, huh?." He nodded. "I'll go next time you have a rafting trip or something like that, now that sounds like fun."

"Okay, I'm gonna hold you to that."

---

After we got to the campsite late Friday afternoon, Scott and I set up camp and cracked open a few beers.

"So you're coming into the office all next week, right?" Scott asked.

"Yeah, I've got some code that I need to go over with you."

That's one of benefits of working as a programming contractor, I can do most of my work at home. I only going into the office when absolutely necessary.

Generally I work from home, but occasionally I have to go in and discuss whatever project I've been assigned with the project manager. That's usually Scott. I like it that way.

Sitting in cubical all day, like I used to is very counter- productive for me. I can't think in small spaces.

"I've just been a little preoccupied with this whole lawsuit thing." I told him.

"Yeah, what's going on with that?" Scott asked.

"Well, not much at the moment. But my lawyer says, worst case scenario, we'll offer them a small settlement to make it go away."

"And why exactly are you being sued?"

"Long story short, I did some programming work for these low-rent punks. Surprisingly, they had me sign a non-disclosure agreement. Well, they're trying to sue me for violating that."

"Yeah, so what did happen?"

"Oh, their little fly-by-night operation went belly up, not my fault of course. But they found out that I did some work for a similar company and now they're claiming a conflict of interest. Accusing me of violating the non-disclosure agreement.

"My lawyer thinks that they just found out how much I'm worth so they wanna try to drain my bank account, since I declined their offer to become an investor."

"I see." Scott said. "So, what now?"

"My lawyer's got some people researching and verifying paper work, checking dates, et cetera. We'll see what happens." I shrugged.

We drank late into the night and I was feeling pretty damn good. Completely relaxed for the first time in quite a while.

I love being out in the woods, camping. I suppose that's a holdover from my Marine Corps days.

The next day, Scott fished, I watched and we both continued drinking.

"So, how's your boyfriend?" Scott jibed, after we'd hiked back from the river.

"Don't say that."

"Don't say what?" Scott chuckled.

"Don't call him my boyfriend." I said, a little annoyed. "He's just ... , we're just friends. What are you, a ten year old?"

"Sorry, I just thinks its funny." Scott laughed. "Way to bring the room down, Captain Bummer."

"What exactly is so funny?" I asked.

"I don't know, just the way you get so freaked out about it." He chuckled. "Of course, I never would have suspected a thing, no one would have. But you gave yourself away."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, I wish you could see the look on your face right now.

"Oh, and that day at your house, remember, when I met him?" Scott laughed, remembering my embarrassment. "When he came out of the bathroom, you got the most bizarre look on your face, it was hilarious. Like a little kid, caught stealing from the cookie jar. It was priceless."

"Yeah, I was there, remember." I said, a little exasperated.

Looking back, I suppose it probably was funny as hell.

Scott just giggled for a while as I busied myself stoking the campfire.

"So why didn't you bring him this weekend?" He asked, giving me a sidelong glance, like he knew something that I didn't. "You know I'm cool with it."

"I don't know."

"Oh," Scott muttered. He looked deeply disappointed in me.

"There's nothing wrong in a little man on man action." He continued. "I mean, if you love each other. Hell, even if you don't. Do you love him?

"Dude! Would you please..." I interrupted.

"Don't fucking 'Dude' me! You can talk to me about this. Hell man, I thought our friendship was deeper that!"

The scowl on his face really surprised me. I was quite taken aback.

"Sorry." I apologized.

"Look, don't let this get between us. I'm more your boyfriend than he is. He said using air quotes. "Well, except for the sex thing."

"Even so..." I countered.

"Come on Craig, that's bullshit and you know it!" Scott fumed indignantly. "We've been friends a long time and you know all my deepest, darkest secrets. Now I have to persuade and bargain with you about what we share and what we don't share? Hell, I'd rather not be friends at all."

Scott was right. We have been friends a long time and he's been very trustworthy the whole way.

"Honestly, Nick had to work." I conceded.

"That's all I asked."

"Can we change the subject now?"

"Alright, alright, don't get your little panties in twist." Scott chuckled. "But you do see how weird you are now, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know. It just feels weird, you know, sharing this. And phrases like 'don't get your panties in twist' doesn't help."

"That's precisely what I'm saying. You're too sensitive about all of this. You need to relax man. Just take it in stride. Its just the two of us here. Its clear that you want it known and I certainly won't tell anyone."

"Look, this might be easy for you but ..."

"Oh boy!" Scott got up and strode towards me. "No, its not easy for me either. Hell, I kinda feel like you've been cheating on me. Well, at the very least, you've been dishonest with me."

I was speechless. Unable even to put forth a cogent argument. He had me dead to rights.

He's not really threatening to me, he just has a way of beating me down with words. I'm not sure but I think I cringed a little bit.

Scott sat down again thankfully. His words just hung there in the air for a while. We exchanged glances in silence every few seconds until I could no longer stand it.

"Look, I just never had any reason to share that part of my life with anyone. Life can be pretty tough, who needs the extra pressure?" I opined. "I guess I never wanted to tell anyone cause I didn't want anyone to look at me differently. I just didn't want to share and I still don't."

"Well, don't look now, but I think you just shared something." Scott said.

He got up and came toward me with his arms outspread like he wanted a hug.

As I got up to face him, he cuffed me sharply in the back of the head.

"We're friends, best friends! We tell each other EVERYTHING without fear of judgment or reprisals. We'll be fair with each other and most of all we don't spare each other's feelings. Got it?!"

"Yeah." I smiled.

Scott smile broadly and hugged me close.

"But dude, most of all, and this is important...", he grabbed the back of my neck tightly and pulled my forehead to his, "we trust each other, alright?. And never, ever tell each other's secrets. Agreed?"

"Agreed." I said, pushing him back from me.

"It's a lot cheaper than therapy and much more beneficial, I think." He grumbled taking seat again. "So, when I can meet him?"

"You've already met him, remember." I retorted. "Anyway, why are you so interested in him?"

"Don't be so defensive, I'm not interested in him." Scott said earnestly. "You're my friend. My interest lies in what he sees in you.

Scott paused for effect, as he often does. I remained quiet.

"Anyway, I'm sure I have some idea. But look, I just wanna make sure he's not some shady character, who's up to no good."

"Dude, I told you, he's working." I replied.

"I'm serious. I wanna meet him." Scott insisted.

"Well, thanks for that, but I'm a big boy and I won't let you bully me into some weird face to face meeting." I smiled. "Besides, I don't recall you being this concerned about all the women that your wife keeps setting me up with."

"Fair enough, but those are all Julia's friends. My wife's bunch of horny, wanna-be debutants, how much damage could they do?" He laughed. "Wait a minute, don't answer that."

We both laughed.

"Anyway, I'm not trying to set you up."

"Whatever."

"Oh, wait dude," Scott paused, remembering something, "and by the way, I know you slept with more than one of them or does your memory fail you? I know you're getting older but did you forgot to share?"

"So, I forgot to tell you."

"Yeah right", he nodded. "Its okay, given the newness of our sharing policy, I can find a way to forgive your transgression, but don't forget our pact! And in the interest of sharing, I've got a lot to share.

"Anyway, from what I understand", He leaned forward in a confidential manner, "you're quite the talented uh..., I believe, 'lover' was the term they used."

"What? How the hell do you know all that?" I complained.

"You know women can't keep any secrets." He quipped.

"Apparently." I grumbled.

"There was even talk of size." He whispered conspiratorially. "You know, girth and length. You should be very proud. There're all very impressed."

"Oh, for Pete's sake." I sighed, dropping my head. I was beyond embarrassed.

Scott seemed to be enjoying himself immensely, grinning like an idiot.

"At any rate, my house seems to be their sacred gabbing ground. And well, you overhear things, you know?" Scott shrugged. "Why do you think I spend so much time away from there?"

"You don't seem to have missed very much."

"Well, in this case, they were discussing you, so, I was obligated to 'accidentally overhear' what they were saying about my buddy. Its my duty to keep you up to speed right?"

"Yes, that's very altruistic of you."

"Of course, and you're being very uncooperative this weekend." Scott sighed, resignedly. "Cut it out!"

"Sorry."

"Alright, here's a question, why'd you chose the oldest of them to pork? I don't quite get that." Scott asked, shaking his head, looking mystified.

"First of all, pork is not a verb, you jackass. Second, I guess its because they're nicer to me. More appreciative." I shrugged. "And by the way, early thirties is not old."

"Yeah, early thirties, that's hilarious." He laughing and still shaking his head. "You are some piece of work."

We sat quietly staring at the fire and drinking for a while. Save for the sounds of the various gases being emitted, primarily by Scott, it was pretty quiet and peaceful. I glanced over and found him watching me and smiling.

"What?" I flinched defensively.

"Look, obviously you don't feel comfortable enough yet to discuss this whole thing with you and Nick. And I get that, believe me, I do. I've been there.

"And knowing how tight lipped you are, you probably don't discuss it with anyone at all. I'm just saying, I'm here for you man, seriously. If you want."

"Alright, dial it down a notch Oprah, you've made your point and now you're about to make me puke." I said.




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 02



Scott busted out laughing. We both lost it.

"Jeez, I'm not in some fragile mental state, its just a guy, for crying out loud." I chuckled.

"Alright, fair enough." Scott smiled. "Seriously though, you know what I'm saying though, right?"

"Yeah, I appreciate it."

"So listen, why don't you bring him along to the softball game next week? We'll grab a beer after, cool?"

"We'll see."

"Okay, so let me ask you this", Scott inquired, "What do you guys do in that awkward moment after sex? You know, when you don't quite know what to say to each other?"

"We go to sleep and don't worry about it, like normal guys." I said.

"Fuck!" Scott exclaimed. "That's brilliant."

I went into my tent and went to sleep.

---

When I got home early Sunday morning, I noticed Jason's car in the drive, but I didn't see him when I got inside.

Once inside I turned my attention the mail on the table. Then, I heard the door open behind me. Turning around, I was astonished by the sight that beheld. It was Nick, but it didn't look like the Nick that I'd left here on Friday.

The first thing I noticed was that he'd gotten his hair cut really short.

His normally thick, wavy, black locks had been buzzed down to a military style cut. Very closely tapered on the sides and only a little bit longer on top, just like mine.

This new haircut brought his deep penetrating eyes into sharp focus. I had an immediate flashback to my Marine Corps boot camp days. It was a little scary. He looked exactly like one of my drill instructors. His ever-present five o'clock shadow only enhanced his allure. He was devastatingly handsome.

As my eyes roved over him, I noticed that he was wearing a pair of black leather motorcycle chaps over his well worn Levis and a tight fitting black t-shirt. I was awestruck.

Nick just stood there staring at me, probably because I was just staring at him. Then he smiled.

"Wow!" I muttered, without thinking. "You look fucking great!"

"Thanks." He smiled. "I missed you too."

Even the dulcet tone of his deep voice seemed to stoke my lust. My dick twitched and forced its way forward.

Involuntarily, I drew in the longest breath that I can ever remember. I felt absolutely crazed with lust. I needed to mount something immediately. Preferably Nick.

In the blink of an eye, I closed the distance between us. I stood face to face, nose to nose with him, just breathing hard and staring.

My heart thumped wildly in my chest. I didn't put my hands on him, I just wanted to be close to him.

Smiling, Nick lay his motorcycle helmet and keys down on the table then turned back to me.

"Boy, you really did miss me didn't you?" He asked, searching my eyes and wrapping his hands around my waist. My dick bounced and swelled even more.

"I did." I nodded once.

We embraced and kissed like strangers in the alley behind the bar after last call.

His strong hands groping my butt as my fingers dug into the hard muscles of his shoulders and back. I ran my hand up the back of his neck and then up and over the newly acquired stubble of his head.

As our tongues became reacquainted I could felt my hips begin to grind into him.

Suddenly there was a noise out on the deck. Looking in the direction of the sliding doors that lead to deck, I noticed that the door was slightly ajar.

"Did you leave that open?" I asked.

"Nope." Nick answered.

Quietly, I walked over and peered through the sliding glass doors. There was Jason, naked as the day he was born, sunning himself on one of the chaise lounges.

I stormed out onto the deck.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Oh dude, you're back." He said peering up at me. "Just getting some sun. Look, no tan lines see?"

"You little bastard, I ought to throw your fucking ass over that railing!"

Since my deck is on the second story above a concrete landing, the fall could potentially be fatal for him.

"I was just getting some sun."

"Get your ass dressed!" I snarled, walking back inside.

Ever since the unpleasantness with Jorge, my ex, I'd been keeping a very close eye on Jason. Sure, I had forgiven him for sleeping with Jorge but this current transgression certainly wasn't working him back into my good graces.

As soon as Jason stepped through the sliding glass door, I cuffed him in the back of the head, hard.

"Dude, what the fuck?" He yelled, flinching.

I had forgotten that Nick was still in the room.

"Whoa, I'm just gonna, um, go in there." Nick said, heading off toward the bedroom.

"Why'd you do that?" Jason whined, still rubbing his head.

"Why?" I asked, incredulously. "I'm gone for two day and you're lying around here bare-assed naked, knowing full well that Nick is living here. You are unbelievable!"

"Dude, I was just trying to get some sun."

"Save it!" I barked. "You want a fucking tan, lay out on your own damn balcony or go to a salon."

I was very close to whacking him across the mouth, but I was able to control that impulse.

I composed myself and resisted my rage.

"You know there was a time when I wouldn't have thought you capable of having any ulterior motives, at least not with me.

"There was a time when I trusted you implicitly. But you fucked that up, didn't you?" I shouted.

"Ah man, not that again." He rolled his eyes. "You guys were broken up for weeks before anything happened between us."

"Oh yeah? Then why didn't you tell me about it? Why'd you have to sneak around behind my back like a spineless little bitch?"

"Oh, so now I gotta get your permission before I fuck somebody?"

This time the impulse struck before I had time to think. I backhanded him right in the eye. It was so quick that it stunned us both.

He stumbled off balance for a moment then lunged at me clumsily. I simply reached out with one hand and grabbed him around the throat, pushing him back until he slammed against the wall.

Physically, we're about the same height, but I work out regularly and clearly I'm quite a bit stronger than him, so it was easy enough to hold him pinned there. He could only clutch at my hand and struggle as I considered tightening my grip.

"No, you don't need my fucking permission!" I growled in his face.

"Uh, Craig..." Nick said from somewhere behind me.

"What!" I barked, through clenched teeth.

"Um, I don't think he can breathe."

Of course, Nick was right. I hadn't realized that my grip had tightened and Jason's face was beet red. Tears were bleeding down his cheeks.

I let him go and he slid down the wall to the floor, alternately coughing and gasping for air. I wanted to kick him, but I didn't.

"Get out." I said, maintaining what I thought was a remarkable amount of restraint and control.

I wanted more than anything to pound his face into the carpet. I wanted desperately to beat the living hell out of him, but I didn't. I just turned and walked quietly into my bedroom.

I sat on the edge of my bed, head down, staring at the floor. I was still all wound up with rage and violent anger.

This is precisely why I have to work carefully to keep myself under control because I never know when to stop. Anger has a way of consuming me. And when I finally do stop, I still have a difficult time assuaging my fury.

After Jason left, Nick came in and stood beside me. He put his hand on the back of my head and stroked it a bit.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No." I snapped.

Nick sat down on the bed beside me. He was quiet.

He waited a long time before he spoke again.

"Do you want to be alone?" He asked.

"What is it with people?" I asked. "Why do they always take your kindness for weakness?"

"I don't know man." He said, massaging the back of my neck. "Not everyone's like that. It'll be alright."

"Yeah, I know." I said, feeling a little better.

We were quiet again. One of Nick's best qualities is that he listens well and when there's nothing to be said he knows how to be quiet.

After a while, I noticed a seriously bad odor.

"Whew, I reek." I said, suddenly realizing it. "I still stink of campfire smoke and ... whatever else that is. I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Yeah, I didn't wanna say anything." Nick smiled, pinching his nose and chuckling. "I didn't wanna get beat down, too."

"Very funny." I said, standing up to undress. "Whoa, it just occurred to me. You let you me kiss and slobber all over you smelling like this?"

"There isn't much I wouldn't do for you." Nick smiled and shrugged.

And there it goes again. Another chink in the armor of my resolve. Nick has a way of producing that funny little fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach.

It makes me want to immediately grab him and tell him that I love him. But I don't. That just not my way.

Instead, I countered with a stupid question.

"So what's with the new look?" I asked.

"What?" He appeared confused at first, then, "Oh, the haircut?"

"Yeah, the haircut, the facial hair, the chaps..." I said. "You got a whole super stud thing going on there."

"Ah right, the haircut was more of an accident than anything. The girl actually made a mistake, then she freaked out a little bit. So I told her to just go ahead and take it all off."

"And the five o'clock shadow?"

"Well, I only shave when you're in town. And the chaps are just chaps, I don't know." He shrugged, looking down.

I thought, "This guy is a wet dream come true", but I said, "Well, it looks damn good on you."

---

The company softball game was going quite well. Playing third base, I caught a pop fly and hit two balls out of the park. I was fast becoming something of a legend.

"So is Nick coming or not?" Scott asked while I was on deck, waiting to bat.

"Give it a rest, dude."

Around the middle of sixth inning Nick showed up and Scott immediately subbed him in for some guy who hadn't got a hit the whole game.

That was when my own game started to go to hell. I struck out, then popped up. I think I was trying too hard to impress Nick.

Despite my lackluster performance near the end, we won the game and both teams headed off to the bar for drinks.

At the bar, Scott chatted up Nick like he was trying to land him. I think he was trying a little too hard as well. Actually they got along a lot better than I'd hoped. I was glad.

"So Nick, where're you from?" Scott asked.

"Originally, Santa Barbara." He answered. "My place here recently burned down. Craig's letting me crash with him for a while."

"That's our Craig." Scott said, ruffling my hair. "Such a nice guy, isn't he?"

I frowned a little, pushing his hand away, while they continued to talk and joke around. Nick's skill as a conversationalist is first rate. He's quick witted, sharp and has an amazing sense of humor.

I noticed a guy from the game, sitting a few seats down the table, looking at me. He gave me a brief smile before looking away. I also recognized him from Scott's office.

"You've got to come on our next camping trip." Scott told Nick. "We'll work it around your schedule, cool?"

"Sure, sounds like fun." Nick replied.

The guy who kept making eye contact with me moved to our end of the table, sitting next to Scott and across from Nick.

"Hey guys." He said as he joined us.

"Hey there Declan, how's it going?" Scott said.

"Not bad, not bad." He said. "You guys played some good ball out there today."

"Thanks." We both said.

"Are you new?" Declan asked, looking at Nick.

"Oh, no Nick's a friend." Scott interrupted. "I was counting on that incompetent idiot Jeff. But you can see how well he played."

Nick blushed visibly. His eyes fled to mine and then back to Scott's.

"I swear, that boy can't hit for shit and he runs like an old woman. We gotta stop telling him when we're playing." Scott grumbled.

"Well, thanks for letting me play." Nick uttered.

"Hey, if you want, you can have Jeff's spot on the team permanently, Nick. Hell, if you know anything about programming, you can have his job too."

We all laughed.

"I don't know about that." Nick smiled warmly.

Meanwhile, Declan kept up his little game of eyes with me but very subtlety, so as not be obvious.

"I gotta hit the pisser. Be right back." I announced.

Just as I was about done at the urinal, I heard the door to bathroom open. Somehow, I had a feeling that he would follow me in here. He didn't say a word as he stepped up the urinal next to me. He just pulled out his semi-hard dick and turned his head in my direction.

I glanced over at him to see him staring directly at me, then down at his rather thick and hardening cock. He stroked it a couple of times but never started to piss.

"You wanna get together sometime?" Declan asked.

I just stared at him. I was done pissing and I knew I should just zip up leave, but I didn't. I just stood there, looking at him stupidly.

Suddenly, he grasped me by the elbow and pulled me into a stall with him. We locked lips immediately. He put his hand into my open fly searching for my hard cock. It was hard alright and waiting for his touch.

Declan was taller and much younger than me so it was felt wildly exotic making out with him. His piercing blue eyes never closed as his tongue delved into my mouth. His large hand was very hot and insistent on my cock.

"Someone's gonna catch us in here." I said, pulling away. "I gotta go."

Fixing myself up, I squeezed out of the stall and went to the sink to wash my hands.

Once again the bathroom door opened, this time it was Nick. He glanced at me in the mirror and walked on in. He passed Declan who actually winked at me as he walked out of the bathroom.

There was no way of telling if Nick suspected any monkey business, so I lingered at the sink waiting for him to finish. After he flushed he didn't even stop at the sink, he went straight out. Fuck!

When I got back to the table, Declan was just putting down two more pitchers of beer.

"Alright guys, I had fun today, but I gotta get going?" Nick said, shaking hands with Scott.

"Alright Nick, good meeting you and don't forget about camping." Scott smiled warmly.

"Later." Declan nodded.

Nick patted Scott on the shoulder, ignoring Declan completely as he turned to go.

"I'm gonna get going too." I said. "Later guys."

I caught up to Nick at the door and kept pace with him. Once outside, he split off without a word, heading toward his motorcycle.

"See you at home." I offered.

He turned, looking at me blankly and unemotionally. He just put his helmet on without a word. It was clear that he was pissed.

---

I got home just in time to see Nick coming out of the garage and heading up the stairs and into the house. I didn't bother with the garage, I just parked on the drive and sat for a moment to gather my thoughts.

When I went inside, I sat down behind my desk. Neither of us said anything to each other.

Eventually, Nick went into the bathroom to take a shower without so much as glancing in my direction.

I just sat there feeling guilty and awkward. This is precisely why I didn't want to get this close to anybody. I wanna to be able to do what I want, when I want and with whomever I want, without feeling guilty about it. I'm a grown fucking man, for Pete's sake!

All my life I've been empathetic to the feelings of others. Maybe that's just who I am. Hell, I hate to think of the alternative. Its not easy to be cold and hard, or even devious. I've tried it, its doesn't work for me.

Hell, even my lame ass defense mechanism seemed to be failing me just now. There was no real excuse for my behavior and I knew it. I made a choice. But I also made a choice when I asked Nick into my life.

After his shower, he came back out wearing only a pair of boxer briefs, which struck me as odd, since normally he wears full cut boxers just like me. Bare-chested and barefoot, he looked for all the world like an underwear model. Damp hair, muscles rippling, chest and stomach hair slicked to his torso. Very tasty.

He went over behind the bar and poured himself a drink while I watched surreptitiously. Still, he didn't glance back at me. His face was expressionless and seemed utterly devoid of animosity or attitude.

With drink in hand, he went and sat in my favorite recliner. Using the remote, he clicked on the television and sat quietly watching the Sports Center.

The silence between us was driving me crazy. Yet, there are many times when I'm working at my desk or on my computer and neither of us will make a sound for hours. I find that to be one of his best qualities. That he can be comfortable with me in complete silence and not feel the need to fill the space with nonsense chatter.

But this was different. And I was nervous. Not paranoid. Paranoid is when I'm not sure I've been caught. But I was clear on that matter.

Looking at him sitting there nearly naked, his face utterly impassive, I gave in.

"Time to get this over with." I thought, as I got up and walked over to the sofa. I sat on the end nearest the recliner and just stared at him.

"I feel guilty." I said.

He muted the already low volume.

"About what?" He asked looking directly at me.

"That Declan guy asked me if I wanted to get together with him sometime."

"I'm sure people ask you out all the time. Have you seen you? You're a great looking guy. Why should that make you feel guilty?"

Nick's attitude and question took me by surprise. I didn't let it show, I just moved right along. I took a deep breath and pressed forward.

"I told him no. That I couldn't."

Nick sipped his drink and shifted a little in his seat. Then he cleared his throat before speaking.

"So, you feel guilty because he asked or because you wanted to?"

"I don't know, both I suppose."

Nick seemed to consider this answer for a moment before speaking again.

"Yeah, he is a good looking guy."

Another sip from his drink and another long pause.

I tried to read Nick's body language as best I could, but there was just no way to be objective, looking at his nearly naked body while his muscles flexed with every movement and all the subtle little ways he has of just being Nick, its impossible not be distracted. I couldn't read him. And his face said nothing.

"Let me tell you where I am on that." He said, staring intently at me.

Shit, I got really nervous then.

"I like you." He said looking a bit too sad. "I like you a lot and I want you to be happy because that's what makes me happy.

"But dude, your life is yours to live, you've got to live it the way you want. Don't let me be the cause of any guilt or discomfort in your life."

He didn't even blink. Then without hesitation as if he was completely sure of himself he continued. His brow furrowing in a way too mature manner that distressed me.

"That kind of thing only breeds frustration and resentment. I don't think either of us wants that."

I felt my stomach drop to the floor. Its over I thought. This is, so not where I was hoping the conversation would go.

"If it would make you happy to be with someone else, you should go for it. I see the way people look at you. Dude, you're a stud and you're a nice guy. And like I said before, I want you to be happy."

So this was it? I was fired? I felt really feverish and more than a little panicked.

Obviously, I didn't want to lose Nick. But at the same time, I was trying desperately to pull off that impassive mask that I'd seen so often on his own face. But in truth, I was only hanging on to my composure by a very loose thread.

Before I got all weepy eyed, I took a moment and looked away from him in hopes of staving off an emotional eruption. I didn't think this was the time for weakness. I needed every bit of my resolve not to appear a whiny little boy. I had to try to think of a way to fix this. I was wavering desperately on a precarious precipice.

Nick had seemed to throw me a tentative life line and I felt like if I didn't give the right answer, his only choice would be to let me drop.




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 03



I opened my eyes and looked at the clock on the stand beside me. 6:20, the glowing numbers informed me. Not bad. Almost enough sleep, and still time to-

What was I thinking? There was no time for anything. The alarm should have gone off at six! I turned over to see Charles looking at me. "I'm sorry," I said. "I must have set the alarm wrong. It's twenty past six."

"That's all right." Charles put his arms around me and kissed me. "I had a feeling this might happen. I still have time to get ready and be out of here by seven. Unfortunately, it means we don't have time for a repeat of last night."

"Darn."

"Well, if someone had set the alarm..."

"I did set it. I just didn't set it correctly. I'm sorry."

"I know." He licked the sweet spot on the side of my neck. "I told you, it's all right. It just gives me a reason to come see you again sooner. I'm kind of tired this morning anyway. Some sexy lady wore me out last night."

"You think I wore you out? What about what you did to me?"

"I think you wore me out." Charles pulled me closer to him and ran his hands over my back and ass. "And I think I wish I didn't have to get out of this bed right now, but I'm afraid I do."

He pushed back the covers and got up. I stayed where I was, watching him as he got his shower supplies out of his overnight bag. His cock was hard, and I felt an overwhelming temptation to go over to him and suck it. But I couldn't. He had family waiting for him, and his family was important to him.

Charles went into the bathroom, and I got out of bed and pulled on my clothes from the night before. Since I didn't live far from the hotel, I'd do what I'd done the last time and wait until I got home to shower. It wasn't as though I'd have anything else to do. It was my first Thanksgiving since I'd left my ex-husband, and I was spending the day completely alone.

When Charles came out of the bathroom, I was standing beside the bed watching a morning news show. He came up behind me and put his arms around me. "Ready to go, sexy?" he asked.

"Not really. I wish we had more time."

"Well, so do I." He turned me around to face him. "But we'll see each other again soon."

"When?" I asked. What was I thinking? Nothing like sounding desperate.

"We're going to the chat room holiday party in a couple weeks, aren't we? And if I'm in the area before then, I'll definitely let you know."

"Okay."

"I won't be able to call or IM you this weekend, probably. I'll be busy with my kids and grandkids. But if I have a chance, I'll try to get in touch, all right?"

Four days without hearing from him? I'd gotten used to talking to him every night. But I understood. He would be spending most of the time with his grandchildren, and he'd told me that when his grandchildren were around, they wanted his undivided attention. "All right," I said.

"Have you thought any more about being with another man?" 

I laughed. "You like that idea, huh?"

"Not really." He looked into my eyes. "I want to see you with another man. I think it would be sexy as hell. But I don't want to share you, at least not yet. I don't want you to be with anyone else."

Was he asking what it sounded like he was asking? "I don't want you to be with anyone else either," I said, taking the chance that I was hearing him right.

"Maybe sometime," he said. "I'd like to see you with another man, and I know you want to try two men. And of course, I'm a man, so I'd love to be with two women. But for now, let's not share, okay? Let's just see each other."

What was I thinking? I'd only known Charles a month; this had been only our second date. But I didn't want to see anyone but him. Already, he had treated me better than anyone else I'd dated. I wanted to hang onto that. "I like that idea," I said. "No sharing."

"All right." Charles looked at the clock. "We'd better be going. I'll walk you to your car."

He took my new coat from the closet and held it for me to put my arms into. "Such a gentleman," I said. "And thank you again for buying me the coat."

"You're welcome. It's much better than your old one." 

"It's warmer."

"Good."

He picked up his overnight bag and we left the room. After a stop at the front desk so he could drop off the key card, Charles and I walked outside. At my car, he set down his bag and pulled me against him. "I really enjoyed your company last night," he said.

"I enjoyed yours too," I replied.

"Thank you for a wonderful time."

I smiled. "Thank you for a wonderful coat."

"You're very welcome."

He pressed his lips against mine. His hands cupped my ass as our tongues met. We kept the kiss going; neither of us really wanted to leave. But finally Charles broke it and said, "I really need to go. I have to be up there by nine to start the turducken. What are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

"Nothing," I said. "My kids are going to be with their father till tomorrow. My parents invited me to their house, but I just don't feel like celebrating this year."

"I'll be thinking about you." Charles let go of me and picked up his bag. "If I have a chance, I'll IM you sometime this weekend. Otherwise, I'll talk to you Monday."

"Okay. Safe travel."

He held my car door for me as I settled into the driver's seat, then closed the door and walked away toward the far end of the lot. I started my car and watched Charles go until he went around the corner of the building. Then I drove home, showered and dressed, and tried to convince myself I didn't mind the thought of spending the day alone.

I went into the chat room and was surprised by how many people were there. I'd thought most people would be busy with dinner preparations. "What are you doing today?" my friend Melinda, the one who had arranged my first date with Charles, asked me.

"Nothing," I replied. "Just got home from a date, and I'm spending the day alone."

"A date, huh?" another friend typed. "I wonder who that was with?"

"Same person my last date was with." I still didn't want to tell them too much about Charles and me, especially about our new exclusivity agreement. It felt strange to even think about being exclusive with him. We hadn't known each other that long, and I wasn't sure I was even ready to deal with being exclusive with someone. The last time I'd tried it, it certainly hadn't turned out well. But with Charles, it felt strange in a good way, and somehow I didn't think I'd have as many questions and doubts as I'd had with the other guy. 

"Woohoo," Melinda typed. "Sounds like things are going well!"

"Yeah, so far so good." I didn't want to seem too excited. "I have to find a dress for the holiday party. He's taking me to it."

"That's awesome!" Melinda typed. "Too bad you don't live closer; we could go shopping together. I need to find something too. Maybe you can come down earlier the day of the party and we can hit some stores."

"I'd like that," I replied. "I'm going to look online for a dress, too, but even if I find something it would be good to have an alternate."

"Yeah, in case your man rips it off you," someone else typed, eliciting several "lols". 

I stayed in the chat room a little longer, then started my search for the perfect party dress. Not that I expected much. It was hard to shop online when I wasn't completely sure what size I took; I'd learned to try things on in stores because the fit depended more on the brand and style than on what the size tag said. But I had a feeling I'd find something online for the party, and I decided to just trust that whatever I found would fit.

I spent over an hour checking the online stores I knew of. I wasn't sure quite what I was looking for; something bright-colored, maybe red since the party was during the Christmas season, something sexy that would make Charles's eyes go wide, but wouldn't make me look like I was all about sex. 

After a while, I gave up on the stores. The few dresses I found that fit my idea of what I wanted cost far more than I could justify spending on a dress I might only wear once. On a whim, I decided to check an online auction site where some of my chat room friends had said they occasionally found clothes. Once there, it only took ten minutes to find a dress that was exactly what I wanted. Royal blue silk with a halter-style top and a full, knee-length skirt, made by one of the top lingerie companies. And it was a size I was pretty sure would fit me. I didn't even hesitate before clicking the "Buy Now" button. I didn't bother paying extra for faster shipping. This was the dress I was meant to have, and I knew it would reach me before the party. It was perfect, and Charles would love it.

Later that afternoon, I called my ex-husband. "What time should I pick up the girls?" I asked.

"Let them stay," he said. "They're having fun with their cousins, and we're spending the night here."

"So where and when am I picking them up?" I didn't like the way he seemed to assume I would just go along with what he wanted, but that was how he'd always been and it was pointless to argue with him. And I did want my daughters to spend more time with his side of the family. Just not with his girlfriend.

"At my parents' tomorrow morning," he replied. "We're sleeping here tonight. I just said that."

"Just making sure. Fine, they can stay. Can I talk to them?"

"They're outside, but I'll have them call you later. Bye." He hung up.

And of course, the girls never called.

* * *

Late Friday morning, I drove to my exs' house to pick up my daughters for the weekend. After listening to my ex complain about the kids' behavior while the girls got their stuff together, I was more than ready to get out of there. "How did things go?" I asked as we headed up the road.

"Good," my younger daughter, Rosa, said. "It was fun at Grammy's."

"She whined a lot," Anissa, my older daughter, said. "And she got into a fight with our cousins."

"I did not!" Rosa said.

"Stop," I told them. It was like this every time they were together with their father; they always bickered and complained. I had to wonder how their father responded to it. He'd never dealt well with the girls' arguing while we'd been married. "So other than some whining, it was okay? Did Daddy's girlfriend go with you?"

"No," Anissa said. "Grammy said she wouldn't let her in the house. Daddy wasn't too happy about that."

"I'm sure he wasn't," I said. "Were there any problems when you were at his girlfriend's house Wednesday night?"

"Her ex-husband was outside," Rosa said. "Daddy wanted to call the police, but she wouldn't let him."

That was the last thing I wanted to hear. My ex's girlfriend's ex-husband had abused his own children; my ex had promised the man would never be around our girls. But this wasn't the first time the girls said he had been. "How did you feel about that?" I asked.

"Scared," Rosa said.

"Scared," Anissa agreed. "But Rosa wasn't supposed to tell you. Daddy said he'd take care of it. He didn't want you to know."

Not surprising. My ex often told the girls to keep things from me when he knew he'd done something wrong. He'd gotten primary custody of Anissa, at Anissa's request, when the divorce was finalized, but he was constantly afraid I'd take her away from him, so begged and bullied her into keeping her mouth shut about some of the things that went on at his girlfriend's house. If it wasn't for Rosa, who didn't feel any need to protect her father, I'd never know what was going on.

"Rosa did the right thing by telling me," I said. "It's part of my job to keep you safe. I'll talk to Daddy later and make sure he's dealing with it."

"He won't." Anissa put her headphones on and ignored me the rest of the way home.

Once we got home, the girls settled down and spent some time playing games with me and watching DVDs. By the time they went to bed, everything seemed fine, but I sensed that Anissa was still upset. Unfortunately, she wouldn't talk to me about it, so I wasn't sure if she was upset about what had happened at her dad's girlfriend's or upset with Rosa for telling me about it.

Saturday morning, I sat down at my computer with a cup of coffee. I'd just signed into my instant messenger when a pop-up informed me that Charles had signed in. Smiling, I clicked on his name and typed, "Hello."

I waited a few minutes, but got no response. I was about to say something else when he signed out. Had he missed my greeting? I tried to put it out of my mind, but couldn't help feeling like something wasn't right.

That night, after I'd gotten the girls to bed, Charles instant messaged me. "How was your weekend so far?" he asked.

"All right," I replied. "I'm a little worried about something my daughters told me, but it's okay. How was the turducken?"

"Perfect, of course. I'm a good cook."

"That's good." I hesitated, then typed, "I said hi to you this morning, but you didn't answer."

"I know. It wasn't me. One of the grandkids was using my laptop."

"Oh."

"My daughters were a little upset that you IMed. They still aren't over the idea that their mother and I are divorced."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you any problems."

"I know. I explained to them. It's okay. Just sometimes when I'm home, the grandkids use my computer."

"So if I see you sign in, I won't say anything unless you talk first."

"I'd appreciate that. By the way, thank you again for a wonderful night Wednesday."

"Thank you," I said. "Do you go back to work Monday?"

"Of course. I have a load to pick up Monday morning up here, then down to my shop, then I have to go to Pennsylvania and New Jersey."

"Lot of driving."

"Not really. I'll be back Wednesday."

To me, it sounded like a lot, but since Charles drove for a living it probably didn't seem like much to him. "Then what?" I asked.

"Probably local runs, but I don't know for sure. I don't know if I'll have a chance to see you."

"I hope you do."

"I hope so too. I wish you could go with me on my run."

"Why, so you could fuck me on the bed in your truck?"

"Yes, and taste you. You're delicious."

"Thank you."

"I have to go. I'll call you Monday. Kisses."

"Kisses." 

He signed out. Why had he had to go so suddenly? Something about the situation just didn't feel right to me. Why would his daughters be upset about someone instant messaging him earlier? All I'd said was hello; there wasn't anything in that to indicate any kind of relationship between Charles and me. It didn't make sense.

But I put it out of my mind. Too often in the past, I'd let myself get carried away worrying about things that I couldn't do anything about and that often turned out to be nothing to worry about. I wasn't going to let myself make something out of nothing in this case. Things were good between Charles and me, and I could see them getting better. Why worry?

* * *

Sunday afternoon, my ex showed up to pick up Anissa. I took him aside and said, "I thought you told me the ex-husband wasn't going to be around anymore."

"He isn't."

"The girls said he was at the house the other night."

"He didn't come in."

"You should have called the police. You told me there was a restraining order."

"She didn't want me to call the police, and there is an order. Everything's fine."

"I want a copy of that order."

He rolled his eyes. "I told you, it isn't a paper order. It's on the police department's computer. Don't worry. I'm protecting my daughter."

"She's our daughter, and I don't think you are."

"So what the fuck are you going to do, take her away from me? The court gave her to me. She's mine. So just don't worry about it. It's none of your business."

"None of my business? She's my daughter too!"

"So? She doesn't live with you, she lives with me. She's fine." He walked into the living room, where Anissa was waiting. "Say goodbye to your mother and let's go."

Anissa hugged me and followed her father out to his pickup. She didn't even look back as they drove away.

"Mommy? Are you okay?" Rosa asked.

"Yeah, I guess." I sat down at the computer. "I just miss Anissa when she isn't here."

"Me, too." Rosa turned on the TV. "I'm going to watch cartoons."

"Okay."

I spent the rest of the night writing and chatting in the chat room, and trying to forget how worried I was about my daughter. Not that that was possible.

* * * 

Monday afternoon, I'd just gotten home from work when the phone rang. Charles's number showed on the caller ID. I answered immediately. "Hello?"

"Hi, sexy," Charles said. "How was your day?"

"Same old, same old," I said. "Work. Only got sworn at once, though." I worked with emotionally disturbed teenagers. "How was yours?"

"Pretty good. I'm in Connecticut right now, heading south. Pulled over to get something to eat, and I figured I'd say hello."

"I'm glad you did." In case he couldn't tell from my voice. "How was the rest of your weekend?"

"Good. Had a lot of fun with my grandkids, though the youngest was a little annoyed when I had to leave. She wanted to spend today with me."

The door opened and Rosa burst through in tears. "I hate my bus!" she shrieked.

"Sounds like some problems over there," Charles said. 

"Yeah, my younger one had trouble on the bus, apparently." I looked at Rosa's red face and teary eyes. "Some kids pick on her sometimes."

"They suck!" she shouted. "They called me baby again!"

"Maybe you should go take care of her," Charles suggested. "I'll call you tonight if I can, or tomorrow."

I didn't want to get off the phone with him. It was probably selfish of me, but Rosa came home in tears two or three days a week, and I'd learned that she was usually fine within five minutes. I could listen to the thousandth telling of how rotten her busmates were anytime, but I could only talk to Charles when he had a chance to call. I knew how that would sound to him, though. "Yeah, I guess you're right," I said. "Have a nice trip."

"It would be nicer if you were here," he said.

"Yeah? And what would I be doing if I were there?"

"Well, I'm parked right now, with a bed in my truck. You figure it out."

"Mommy!" 

Rosa's voice demanded attention. I sighed and said to Charles, "I can figure out lots of possibilities, but I'll have to tell you about them next time we talk."

"Okay. I have to get back on the road anyway; I'm supposed to be in New Jersey by six. Talk to you soon, sexy."

"Talk to you soon."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and turned to comfort Rosa. True to form, she'd already stopped crying and was looking for the TV remote. "Do you want to talk about what happened?" I asked.

"Who were you talking to?" She lifted one of the couch cushions. "I can't find the buttons."

"I was talking to my friend Charles, and I don't know where the buttons are. You had them last. Do you want to talk about what happened on the bus?"

"No. They're idiots is all. Who's Charles?"

"My friend." I'd mentioned him to her before, but she'd either forgotten or was choosing to pretend she had.

"Oh." She dug the remote out from under one of the cushions. "Now I'm going to watch TV while I have my afternoon snack. Then I'll do my homework."

"Okay." I turned on the computer. "I'll make supper later." 

Rosa didn't answer. She was already engrossed in finding cartoons.

I hung out in the chat room for a while, reading people's discussions of their weekends. I didn't contribute much. I definitely didn't want to get into the crap about my ex-husband, and I still wasn't sure how much I should say about Charles and me. After a while, I left chat without saying goodbye and fixed supper for Rosa and me, not an easy prospect since she wasn't vegetarian and I still hadn't gotten the hang of cooking one meal for her and one for me without making enough for Anissa as well. More often than not, we made do with TV dinners, but I felt like actually cooking tonight.




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 03



Rosa went to bed at eight, and I went back into the chat room for the hour before my own bedtime. Since I was usually up before five to get ready for work, I tried to be in bed by nine. I had just signed out of chat and was about to shut down my computer when an instant message popped up from Charles. "Everything okay with your daughter?"

"She was fine by the time I got off the phone with you," I replied. "Did you make it to NJ?"

"Yes, with time to spare. Now I'm parked for the night. Was checking email and saw you online."

"I was about to sign off," I said.

"Past your bedtime? That's all right, we can talk tomorrow."

"No, it's okay. I can stay up a little later." I wanted to finish our conversation from earlier. "So if I was with you?"

"LOL. If you were with me, I wouldn't be on the computer."

"You'd be in bed with me. I want to try that bed out sometime."

"What would we be doing?"

"Kissing," I typed. Though that wasn't the only thing I had in mind. My pussy was wet thinking about what Charles and I might do on the bed in his truck.

"Is that it?"

"You would finger me."

"Yes, and lick your taste off my fingers. You taste so good!"

"I want to taste you too."

"We could do that. You want to suck me?"

"Yes, and I want you to cum in my mouth."

"Then what?"

It was a good thing I'd learned to type one-handed. I couldn't stop my other hand from stealing down to my crotch and rubbing myself through my pajama pants. I just wished it was Charles's hand, not mine. "Then I want your mouth on me," I typed slowly. 

"I want that too. I love how you taste. You cum hard when I eat you."

"Yes, I do."

"Then what?"

"Then I would want you inside me."

"How?"

I thought about it. Missionary was my position of choice with Charles, but in this conversation, I wanted something different. "Standing. Me bent over the bed, you behind me."

"You like it from behind?"

If he could have felt how wet I was now, he wouldn't have had to ask that question. "It's one of my favorite positions. It hits the right spot, makes me cum so hard."

"Then we'll have to try it sometime. Are you wet now?"

"I'm touching myself," I admitted.

"Mmm, wish I could help. Are you going to cum?"

"I might. Would you like that?"

"Very much. Not as much as if I was there, though."

I slipped my hand into my pajamas and rubbed myself. "I'm playing with myself," I typed.

"Tell me how wet you are."

"Very wet. I'm pretending you're the one touching me."

"Good. But it's getting late. You have to work tomorrow, don't you?"

"Yes." But I wanted to come first. If I couldn't have a Charles-induced orgasm, I could at least have one while I was talking to him.

"Get to bed," he typed. "You can think of me and get yourself off there. I want you to have your sleep."

"I'm not that tired," I replied.

"But I am. I need to get some sleep too. Tomorrow you can tell me all about it."

"All right," I typed reluctantly. 

"Good night, Sexy. Kisses."

"Kisses."

He signed out, and I shut down the computer and went to bed. I lay down and resumed touching myself, stroking my clit, thrusting fingers inside myself. Closing my eyes, I replayed in my mind the nights I'd spent with Charles. The memory of his hands, his tongue, his cock, combined with the friction of my own fingers, brought me quickly to orgasm. Without bothering to wipe my juices from my fingers, I turned onto my side and fell asleep.

* * *

Thursday afternoon, Charles called. "I have good news," he said. "My boss has a delivery that needs to be made up there, and he gave me the run. I won't be able to spend the night, but I can probably manage a few hours to see you."

"That's wonderful!" I said. "But I'll have my kids."

"No problem. I can take the three of you out to dinner or something. I don't expect you to drop your kids just to see me."

He was willing to take my daughters out with us? The men I'd dated previously barely knew I had children, and certainly hadn't expressed any interest in meeting them. "Are you sure?" I asked.

"No. I hate children. I wouldn't ever want to meet yours."

I could tell by his tone that he was kidding. "Okay, then we'll see you tomorrow."

"I'm going to be making the delivery right up the street from you, around the corner from the hotel. If you have a chance, maybe you could come over to say hi in the afternoon."

"Maybe. I'll have to pick up Anissa at some point, but I might be able to come see you."

"Okay. I have to go; I'm on the road now. I'll call you tomorrow when I get to town and we can figure out when and where we're meeting. Can't wait."

"Me neither."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up and said to Rosa, "Tomorrow Charles is going to take us out to dinner."

"I don't want to," she said. "Why do I want to go to dinner with some guy?"

"Because he's a very nice guy, and because it will be fun. Don't argue with free food, kiddo."

"I don't want to go."

"Well, we're going. So get used to the idea. And right now, you need to get ready for bed."

I'd just gotten Rosa tucked into bed when the phone rang again. This time, it was my ex-husband. "Anissa and I are spending the night at my parents'," he said.

"Why?"

"Because we got thrown out again. I don't want to talk about it. I'm so sick of that woman's bullshit. All our stuff is at her house, and we're going to have to sleep on my parents' couch."

"Just make sure you get Anissa to school in the morning." The child had already missed so much school because of her father's irresponsibility that she might have to repeat her grade. The week before Thanksgiving, he'd transferred her to school in his girlfriend's town; I'd fought the idea at first, but had finally given in on the basis that maybe that way she'd at least get there regularly.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. She's all set. I just wanted to let you know where we'll be. I'll drop her off at school in the morning."

"And I'll pick her up there at the end of the day so she won't have to take the bus to your girlfriend's."

"Yeah, fine. Bye." He hung up. I put down the phone and went to bed. I was relieved that Anissa was away from her father's girlfriend, but I couldn't help feeling that things weren't going to go well.

Friday morning, I woke up with a migraine. I didn't get them often, but when I did, it was hard to concentrate on anything. I took some ibuprofen and went to work, but ended up leaving an hour and a half into the day. After a nice long nap, I felt much better, and sat down at the computer.

My phone rang. Thinking it was Charles, I lunged for it, then hesitated when I saw my ex's girlfriend's number on the caller ID. Against my better judgment, I answered. "Hello?"

"When are you coming to get Anissa?"

"Anissa's at school, isn't she?" At least that was where she was supposed to be.

"No, she's here. Her father dropped her off here this morning on his way to work. She hasn't been at school today."

That son of a bitch! I'd be giving my ex an earful the next time I talked to him. How could he do this to Anissa? "I can come get her now," I said. "I came home sick from work. Just give me a few minutes to get ready, and it takes me about half an hour to get to your house."

"You know, this isn't the first time he's done something like this," the woman said. "You need to come get your daughter and all her stuff, and she needs to be with you. Her father doesn't take care of her, and she and I've talked it over. She wants to live with you again. She needs her mother."

Obviously, since it seemed like her father wasn't doing her any good. It wouldn't be easy. A few weeks earlier, Anissa had asked to come back to live with me, but when we'd sat down to talk to her father about it, he'd yelled until she changed her mind. "She said she wanted to come back a couple weeks ago," I said. "She changed her mind then."

"I don't think she will this time. Just come get her. I've got sick kids here, and I can't handle her too."

No surprise there. It had been evident to me from things my daughters had told me that their father's girlfriend didn't like them much. "Okay. I'll be there in about forty-five minutes."

"She'll be ready."

How was I going to manage this? As I got my shoes and coat on, I tried to make plans. If things were as bad as they sounded, I might be able to get an emergency custody change, according to a friend I'd been talking to about the situation. If Anissa was with me, that wouldn't be too hard, though it would mean spending most of the afternoon at the courthouse. There wasn't anything I could do about that, though. If my daughter needed me, I would do everything I could for her.

As I drove to the girlfriend's, stressed beyond belief, I decided to call Charles. I needed to hear a friendly voice. He answered on the second ring. "Not working?" he asked.

"I came home sick. And right now, I'm on the way to get my daughter."

"What happened?"

I swallowed a sob and explained to him what had happened. "I'm going to court," I finished. "He can't keep doing this to her. I'm sorry to dump this on you; I just needed to talk to someone."

"That's okay. That's what friends are for. Listen, I have to take my truck over to make the delivery right now, but call me after you get her and let me know what's happening, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

As soon as I hung up from him, my ex called. "Anissa's at my girlfriend's," he said.

"I know," I said. "She called me. I'm on my way to get her, and then I'm going to court."

I held my breath. He had a bad temper, one I'd been on the receiving end of too many times, and the only time I'd ever stood up to him was when I told him the girls and I were leaving. But this was too important to let go. "You can't," he said finally.

"Yes, I can. She's been around a child abuser, she's missed so much school she's listed as truant at her old school, you swore to me you were taking her to school today and just dumped her on your girlfriend instead. No more. She's coming back to me."

"Anissa wants to be with me."

"That isn't what your girlfriend just told me. And it isn't Anissa's choice anymore. The choice is yours, actually. I'm going to ask you right now if Anissa can come back and live with me until you get your life straightened out. If you say yes, we're all set. You still get visitation and everything. If you say no, I'll pick her up and go straight to the courthouse, and you'll be lucky to even have supervised visits. Do you understand what I've just said?" I barely kept my voice at a normal level; I was so furious I wanted to scream at him. But I wasn't going to lose control. This was too important.

"Yes, I understand." He sounded defeated.

"Can Anissa come back to live with me?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to ask again, because I want to make sure I heard you and that you aren't going to lie later and say you didn't agree. Can Anissa come back to live with me?"

"Yes!" he snapped.

"Good. She'll be enrolled at school in my town first thing Monday, and you can see her next weekend when you have visitation. You can call her anytime, but she isn't going to live with you until you get your act together. Have a nice day." I hung up on him, feeling stronger than I'd ever felt when dealing with him.

At the girlfriend's, Anissa was waiting by the door. Behind her, in the living room, there was a pile of garbage bags. "That's all her stuff," the girlfriend said. "Does he know you're picking her up?"

"I just got off the phone with him." I turned to my daughter. "Daddy said you can live with me again. Next week, we'll get you signed up at school, and you'll be able to see your friends from last spring."

"Will I have to live with Daddy again?" she asked.

"Not until school lets out, at the earliest," I said. "After that, we'll talk about it."

"Good. I don't want to."

"Anissa, why don't you start taking your stuff out to your mom's car?" the girlfriend suggested.

I handed Anissa the keys so she could open the car trunk, and she picked up a bag and left the house. "Thank you for calling me," I said to the girlfriend.

"You're welcome. He really isn't doing well with her, you know. He yells at her all the time. He yells so much he scares my kids. And she's almost a teenager. She needs her mother. She should have been living with you all along."

"Apparently."

Anissa came back in for another bag. It took a little while for her to get everything out to my car, but she refused my offers of help. Finally she said, "Mom, can we go home now?"

Tears came to my eyes. I was finally bringing my daughter home where she belonged. "Yes, honey. Say goodbye."

"You'll still see us on weekends," the girlfriend said. She hugged Anissa. "See you next weekend when you come to visit your dad."

"Okay." Anissa pulled away from her. "Let's go, Mom."

Anissa and I didn't talk much on the way home. She spent most of the ride staring out the window with her thumb in her mouth. Although I wanted to find out what had happened, I chose to leave her alone. She usually needed time to process before she was willing to talk about things. 

I was almost home when Charles called. "Did everything go okay?" he asked when I answered the phone.

"Yeah. I have Anissa with me, and her father said she can stay with me until he gets things straightened out. I'm pushing for her to stay until the end of the school year, at least. But I don't have to go to court, which is a good thing."

"Yes, it is. Well, I'm at the auto parts store near the hotel, so if you want to come over for a hug, I'd be happy to give one to you. I'll be here for another couple hours until they get me unloaded."

"I'd love a hug. Thank you. We're about fifteen minutes away right now."

"Okay. See you when you get here."

I hung up and said to Anissa, "Charles is at the auto parts store up the street from the house. I'd like to go see him. Are you okay with that?"

"Can't you drop me off at home first? I don't want to see anyone right now."

I didn't want to leave Anissa alone, but I definitely needed a hug from Charles. Anissa was twelve, old enough to be alone for a little while, but I was worried about how she was handling what had happened. "Would you be all right home alone for a little while while I go see him?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom. I can watch TV or something."

"All right. Just so you know, though, Charles is taking all of us out to dinner later."

"That's okay. I just don't want to go anywhere right now."

"All right. But I'm just going to drop you off. We can bring your stuff in when I get back. I won't be long."

"Okay."

A few minutes later, I pulled up in front of my house and handed Anissa the house keys. "You can lock the door if you want while you're alone," I said. "Just make sure you pay attention so you can let me in when I get back."

She rolled her eyes. "I will, Mom."

I waited until she was inside, then drove up the street to the auto parts store. Charles's truck was around the side of the building. When I parked my car and got out, I could see Charles in the cab of the truck. He waved at me and climbed down. I met him at the front of the truck. He put his arms around me and asked, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah." I snuggled against him, relaxing into the hug. "I'm worried about Anissa, but I think she'll be okay. I'm going to get her counseling."

"Good idea. So are you and the kids going to dinner with me?"

"We'd like to," I said.

I looked up at him and he kissed me, just a brief kiss since there were people around. "I'd like to too," he said. "I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be here, but I'll call you when I'm done and we can meet at the mall. I figure we can go to the same buffet we went to last week, since you can eat there."

"Yeah, and my kids love it there. That will be nice. But I can't let you pay for their dinner. It'll be expensive."

"Then you pay for their dinner and I'll pay for yours. I'm glad things are okay with you. I was worried when you called earlier. Wish I could have talked to you longer."

"It's okay. My ex called as soon as I got off the phone with you, and I was able to get him to let Anissa stay with me, so it's good that I wasn't on the phone with you when he called."

"It is a good thing. Where is she?"

"She asked me to drop her off at the house. I'd better get back to her; all her stuff's in my car, and I know she wants to get settled in."

"Okay. See you in a few hours." He kissed me again, this time slipping his tongue between my lips for a moment. "Bye, sexy."

"Bye." Knowing he was watching me, I wiggled my ass a bit more than usual as I walked to my car.

Back at my house, I helped Anissa carry her things from the car to her room, then left her alone to arrange her room the way she wanted it. When Rosa came home from school, she asked, "When are we going to get Anissa?"

"She's already here," I replied. "And she's going to live here from now on."

"Really? That's cool. Can I have my snack?"

"Yes, but just a small one. Charles is taking us out to dinner, remember?"

Anissa ran down the stairs. "Little sister!" She threw her arms around Rosa. "Your big sister is home!"

"Yay!" Rosa's reaction was more enthusiastic this time. "Does that mean I have to stay out of your room again?"

"I'll let you in sometimes. Like now, if you want. You can help me put up my posters."

"Okay." 

The girls went upstairs and I sat down at the computer to wait for Charles's call. It came about an hour later, just after Rosa and Anissa started fighting upstairs. I answered the phone on the first ring. "Hello?"

"Hi, sexy. I'm at the mall. Are you going to come meet me?"

"We sure are." If my kids didn't kill each other before we made it out of the house. 

"Okay. I'll see you in the center of the mall in about, what, fifteen minutes?"

"Give me twenty; I have to round up the kids."

"All right, but hurry. I'm scared to be in the mall too long alone."

I laughed. "Don't worry, I'll protect you when I get there."

"You'd better."

I hung up and went upstairs. Rosa was sitting on the floor at the top of the stairs, glaring at the wall. Anissa was singing to herself as she folded clothes to put away in her room. "Anissa, leave that for later," I said. "You two need to get your stuff on. Charles is waiting for us."

"Where are we going?" Rosa demanded.

"The buffet at the mall," I said. "Charles is already at the mall, so we need to get going. Anissa, you can finish unpacking when we get back."

"Okay." 

"I don't want to go," Rosa said.

"Don't start," I said. "We're going. Come put your stuff on. We can walk around the mall afterward, and I'll let you go to the toy store if you've been appropriate." I didn't often resort to bribery, but I wanted this evening to go well. 

"Okay." Rosa followed her sister downstairs.

When we got to the mall, Charles was sitting on a bench at the center. "I'm so glad you're here!" he said. "Evil people tried to get me to buy cell phones!"

"Did the psycho nail person attack you?" Anissa asked.

"The what?"

"There's this guy here who always stops people and tries to get them to have manicures," I explained. "My kids call him the psycho nail person."

"I'm hungry," Rosa whined.

"Then let's go eat, and you can tell me more about the psycho nail person," Charles said.

We let the girls walk ahead of us on the way to the buffet. "Rosa might not talk to you much," I said. "She has Asperger's."

"She's fine," Charles said. "Don't worry about it."

It was hard not to worry at dinner when Rosa whined every time Charles made a joke, though. Hard not to worry when she and Anissa ran from the table to the dessert section. But every time I spoke to them about their behavior, Charles said, "They're fine. They're just being kids." I finally relaxed and let him joke with them. It was good for them to be around a man who didn't yell at them every few minutes like their father did.




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 03



After we ate, we went back into the mall for a while. As we walked, we passed a cell phone kiosk. "Can I interest you in a cell plan?" the man called out.

I usually walked right past sales pitches, but Charles walked over to the kiosk. "What kind of plan?" he asked.

"Well, I could give you a phone for each member of your family here, with unlimited minutes and texting, for fifty-nine dollars a month."

I almost spoke up and corrected the man about us being a family, but Charles continued talking about the phones without correcting the misunderstanding. Anissa caught my eye and grinned; apparently she liked being mistaken for a family. Even Rosa didn't seem to mind. I kept my mouth shut and let my mind wander. Maybe someday, Charles would be part of our family.

What was I thinking? I hadn't known Charles long enough to think that way. But watching him with my daughters, remembering how well he'd treated me, it was easy to fantasize.

We walked around a little longer, then Charles said, "I have to hit the road. Thank you all for an enjoyable evening."

"Thank you for dinner," I said. I nudged each girl and they echoed my thanks. Charles had paid for all of us while I wasn't looking.

"No problem at all," Charles said. "It was my pleasure."

He walked us to my car. Rosa balked at getting in, but I finally opened her door and counted to three. She was inside with the door shut before I finished saying the last number, though we could hear her yelling. "Overtired, I think," I said. "Sorry."

"That's all right."

"It was really nice of you to take us all out."

Charles put his arms around me. "It was my pleasure." 

He pressed his lips against mine. Our tongues parted our lips. As we kissed, Charles moved his hands over my body, but was mindful of the kids in the car and didn't touch anywhere inappropriate. Or anywhere I wanted him to. I almost wished the kids weren't there; I would have dragged him to his truck and fulfilled what we'd IMed about if they hadn't been. 

After a few moments, Rosa's yells turned to screams and I broke the kiss. "I think I'd better get her home. Thanks again."

"You're welcome." He kissed the tip of my nose. "I'll call you later. And just think, there's only a week till the holiday party."

"I can't wait. I found a dress."

"Tell me about it when I call. Bye, sexy."

"Bye."

He walked away, and I got into the car. As soon as I got in, Rosa stopped yelling. "I don't like him," she said. "He teased too much."

"He teased us because he likes us," Anissa said. "Just like Papa does. Right, Mom?"

"Right."

"Well, I don't like him," Rosa repeated. "He's an evil boyfriend thing."

"Yes, he is my boyfriend." 

"Mom's got a boyfriend, Mom's got a boyfriend," Anissa chanted.

I smiled all the way home. Not only had Charles taken my kids out to dinner with us, but he actually seemed to like them. And Anissa, at least, liked him. Things were getting better than I'd ever thought they would. So I ignored the little twinge of "something's not right" that I kept feeling.



What Was I Thinking? Ch. 04



My phone rang just after my daughters and I got home from dinner with Charles. Charles's number showed on the caller ID. "Hello?" I said.

"Hello. Is this the beautiful lady with the beautiful daughters?" Charles said.

I giggled. "Yes, this is she."

"I had a really good time tonight. Even though you did leave me stranded all alone in the mall for a while."

"We had fun too. I'm sorry about the way Rosa acted, though."

"She was just being a kid. She was fine. Loosen up, mom."

"Okay, okay. So where are you now?"

"About halfway to the state line. I just wanted to call and tell you how nice it was to see you. And your daughters are beautiful, just like their mother."

"Well, thank you."

Anissa, my twelve-year-old, shook her head. "Mom's got a boyfriend," she chanted in a whisper.

I waved her away with a mock glare. "What was that?" Charles asked.

"Oh, Anissa's teasing me," I said. "She said you're my boyfriend. And Rosa called you my evil boyfriend thing."

"Evil boyfriend thing," Charles repeated slowly. "Okay. And am I?"

"You're not evil," I replied.

"Am I your boyfriend?"

"I don't know. That's kind of up to you, isn't it?"

"Oh, no, it's up to you."

"Well, we did agree not to see other people. So I guess you sort of are. If that's okay." What was I thinking? He probably didn't want to be considered my boyfriend. With his life, on the road all the time, I was sure he didn't want any kind of strings. But if that was the case, why had he been the one to suggest we be exclusive?

Sure enough, he said, "I don't want strings. It hasn't been that long since my divorce, I've been through two of them, and I don't want to get married again. But I am willing to see only you and see where things go."

"Same here. I don't want to get married again either." One unstable ex was more than enough.

"Then I guess we're looking for the same thing."

"So if Rosa calls you my evil boyfriend thing again?"

"Well, I guess she can call me that."

I'd heard the cliché "my heart soared", but I always thought it was just a saying till that moment. When Charles acknowledged that he was my boyfriend, my heart really did feel like it was soaring. I didn't let on to him, though. "Well, I'll disagree with the evil part," I said.

"Oh, no, I really am evil and horrible and just plain mean," Charles replied. "Ask my grandkids."

"Uh huh. Sure."

"I'd better let you go. I'll be coming to the barrier toll soon, and it won't look good if I'm yapping on the phone. I'll try to give you a call tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay."

"Night, sexy."

"Night."

He hung up. I closed my phone and plugged it into the charger. "Was that Charles?" Anissa said.

"You know it was," I replied.

"Ooh, he missed you so much after ten minutes he just had to call, huh?"

"It's been more than ten minutes."

"You're blushing, Mom."

"Evil boyfriend thing, evil boyfriend thing," my nine-year-old chanted.

"Yeah, yeah." Of course I was; I could feel how hot my face was. But I wasn't about to discuss my love life with my children. "Niss, did you finish unpacking yet?"

"There's too much to unpack tonight," she whined. 

She did have a lot to unpack. She'd been living with her father for four months; most of her stuff had been at his place. Actually, at his girlfriend's house, which she'd thrown them out of the day before. For some reason I couldn't fathom, after spending the night on his parents' couch, instead of taking Anissa to school that morning her father had dropped her off at the girlfriend's on his way to work. The girlfriend had called me and told me to come get Anissa and all her things out of her house; I'd stood up to my ex-husband for one of the few times in my life and had told him Anissa was coming back to live with me, and if he didn't like it I would see him in court. He'd backed down.

But Anissa had been moved around a lot in the past few months, first to her father's parents, where he'd been living when she'd gone to him, then to the girlfriend's, and from what I understood she and her father had bounced back and forth more than once because the girlfriend kept throwing them out. I wanted her to understand that as far as I was concerned, this move back to my home was permanent. She wasn't going to live out of trash bags and suitcases. "You don't have to unpack it all tonight," I told her. "But by the end of the weekend, I'd like you to have it all set. So why don't you go unpack one more bag, and then you can watch some TV."

"Can I go on the computer? I want to tell my friends I'm back here now. A couple of my friends from school last spring are on my messenger list."

Anissa's computer time was a big concern. She spent hours on it, sometimes to the exclusion of even talking to her family. I knew she hadn't had as much time on it at the girlfriend's house, since there had only been one computer there for the use of eight people, but I was sure she'd spent more time on it than was probably good for her. On the other hand, I wasn't much of an example, given how much time I spent in the chat room of the group through which I'd met Charles. And I knew Anissa's online friends were important to her and some of them were helpful and supportive to her when she was having a hard time. "Okay, you can go on the computer for a little while," I agreed. "But you have to unpack at least one bag first, and I want the stuff put away, not just shoved under your bed."

"There's nothing under my bed, Mom."

"Yeah, right. So if I go up and look right now, I won't see a single thing on the floor under there?"

A guilty expression came over her face. "Well, maybe a few things."

I laughed. "Go unpack. And no more stuff under your bed."

"Rosa, come help me," Anissa said.

Obediently, Rosa followed her sister upstairs. After a moment, the sounds of their acting out one of their favorite Japanese cartoons mingled with the sounds of Anissa's CD player. I sat down at the computer and relaxed. I'd spent four months worrying about where Anissa was and what might be happening to her, given that her father seemed to think she could take care of herself. Now, finally, she was back where she belonged.

* * *

I spent the weekend with my daughters; for once, I was barely in the chat room. While Anissa had been with her father, I'd had both girls every other weekend, and had gotten into the habit of taking them out somewhere fun, preferably free or inexpensive. This weekend, I let Anissa choose the place. "I don't want to go anywhere," she said. "I have to unpack. I want to stay here and just get used to being here again. Am I really going to live here now?"

She sounded almost frightened, as though she thought I would say no. "You're here at least until school gets out in June," I reminded her. "Daddy agreed to that. If she threw him out again, he doesn't have anywhere to live, so he can't take you right now anyway. Maybe by the time school lets out, he'll have a place of his own and he'll be able to take care of you again."

"He can't even take care of himself," Anissa muttered. "I want to stay here."

"You're here till June," I repeated. "If you want to stay here after that, we'll make it happen, I promise."

"Okay. So can I go on the computer?"

"I thought you just said you were going to unpack."

"I am, but I want to go on the computer for a little while first. I couldn't find a couple of my friends online yesterday, and I want to see if they're on so I can tell them that I'm living with you again."

After what she'd been through, I didn't have the heart to say no. "All right. But only for an hour, then you unpack."

"Okay. Rosa, come out to the kitchen with me." The girls' computer was set up at a desk built into the kitchen counter. There, I could see it easily to make sure that neither of them, Anissa especially, was sneaking onto any inappropriate sites.

Rosa followed Anissa to the kitchen. I had the feeling she was so happy to have her sister back that she would follow her into traffic if Anissa asked. I got to work on some housework while I listened to them joking and talking about an anime site Anissa had found.

For the rest of the weekend, Anissa unpacked, I cleaned, and the three of us watched DVDs. It was calm and relaxing, despite a few minor bickers between the girls. It didn't occur to me till Sunday night that I hadn't heard from Charles all weekend.

Monday morning, I called work and let them know I'd be late. I wanted to get Anissa enrolled at school as soon as possible. She'd missed so much school while living with her father that she was listed as truant, and I wasn't going to let her miss any more if I could help it. 

My ex-husband was supposed to meet us at the local middle school. According to him, since he was listed in the divorce papers as having primary custody of Anissa, I wouldn't be able to enroll her without him. He wasn't there, of course. So Anissa and I went inside, and half an hour later left with her re-enrolled as a seventh grader. She'd lived with me the previous spring, after her father and I had separated, and had attended that school as a sixth grader; not realizing that she would be moving, the school had scheduled her seventh grade classes back in August, and the schedule was still in the computer. "She'll be able to start tomorrow," the guidance secretary told me. "I'll call the bus garage and let them know so they'll let her on the bus."

"Thank you." I'd have to leave Anissa home alone today so I could go to work, but at least she wouldn't miss too much school.

When we got out to the parking lot, her father's pickup was parked behind my car. He got out and came over to us. "Okay, let's get this done so I can get on with my life. It's my day off, and I have to get back to my girlfriend."

"It's already done," I said. "I asked you to meet us at seven thirty, and it's eight now. I have to get to work. And I thought your girlfriend threw you out."

"How the hell did you enroll her without me? She's mine, according to the court. You don't have custody of her."

"We have joint custody," I reminded him. "According to the court, she lives with you, but we both have custody. Anyway, they didn't even ask to see the divorce papers, even though you'd said they would."

"So what did you tell them, that she lives with you? She doesn't."

"She does until June," I said. "And that's what I told them, that she's back with me until the end of the school year."

"Whatever. So where are you going now?"

"I just told you, I have to get to work. I said I'd be there by eight thirty. And what do you mean, back to your girlfriend?"

"She and I worked things out. Thank god, because I can't stand living with my parents. My mother is such a bitch. You have no idea what it's like there. Come on, Anissa." He started toward his truck.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where are you taking her?"

"Back to your house," he spat. "Isn't that where she lives now? You said you have to go to work. Excuse the fuck out of me for trying to do you a favor."

"Anissa, do you want to ride home with Daddy?" I asked.

Anissa nodded, but I got the sense that she was agreeing more to mollify her father than because she actually wanted to go with him. I gave her a hug and kiss and said, "Okay, call me if you need anything. I'll be home at the same time as last year, right around three, before your sister gets home."

"Okay. Bye, Mom."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

She got into the truck with her father and didn't look back at me. 

The entire way to work, I worried that he might not have taken her back to the house. After all, legally she did live with him; if he decided to take her back with him, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on other than applying to the court to get the custody decision changed. Just as I pulled into the parking lot at the high school where I worked, my cell phone rang. It was Anissa, calling from our home number. "Hi, Mom, I just wanted to let you know I'm here," she said. "Daddy asked if I wanted to go to his girlfriend's with him, but I said no, I have unpacking to do."

"What did he say to that?" I asked.

"He wasn't happy about it, but he dropped me off. Can I go on the computer?"

"No. No computer when I'm not there. You know that."

"Okay. I figured you were going to say that. Can I watch DVDs?"

"Yep. But I'd like you to finish your unpacking before I get home. You were supposed to have it done over the weekend, remember?"

"I know, I know. Fine, I'll do it."

"Thank you. Have a good day, babe, and call if you need anything. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

That night, Charles called. "Hey, sexy, sorry I didn't get back to you this weekend. I was driving at night, which means I was sleeping when you were awake."

"That's okay," I said. "I'm glad to hear from you now."

"It's good to hear your voice too. I'm sitting at a truck stop in Pennsylvania right now. I'll be heading back to Massachusetts in a little while, then back to New Jersey, then back to Massachusetts again by the end of the week so I'll be able to see you at the party. We're still going to the party, right?"

"Of course." Though with the events of the weekend, I'd almost forgotten about the chat room's holiday party. "I have to talk to Melinda; I think she and I are going shopping that day, so I'll be heading down early, and then I'll meet you at the hotel when you're able to get there."

"Do we have a room at the hotel?"

"Yes. Derek's reserving us a room at the hotel where he's staying." Though that reminded me that I hadn't talked to Derek in a few days. He was my closest friend on the site, but sometimes disappeared for days or even a week or more. I needed to get in touch with him and make sure the room was all set.

"Derek. He's the one you were talking to at the bar at the Halloween party, right? The one who kept telling you to go after that young guy?"

"The one who introduced us, yeah."

"Okay. So we'll be staying at that hotel? Where's everyone else staying?"

"Where they always stay. But the hotel Derek stays at is nicer, and the rooms cost less. There are a few others staying there too."

"Not in our room, I hope."

I laughed. "No, not in our room. You'll have me all to yourself for at least part of the time."

"Well, that's good, because I have a few plans for us. Like tasting you, and fingering you..."

"And making love to me?" I said softly so the girls wouldn't overhear, though I was upstairs in my room and they were supposedly downstairs.

"Oh, definitely that. I'm hard just thinking about it."

"I'm wet."

"Oh, really? Too bad you're so far away. We could do something about that."

"Guess we'll just have to wait till Saturday."

"Guess so. Did you get your dress?"

"Not yet, but I'm sure it will come tomorrow or the next day. If I don't have it by Saturday, I'll buy something when Melinda and I go shopping."

"You don't even know if the dress you ordered will fit, do you?"

"It's my size. It should fit." I'd taken a chance by buying the dress from an online auction site, but for sixteen dollars including shipping, it had been hard to resist. And it was silk; I'd never had a silk dress before.

"Well, I hope so. And what are you going to wear with it?"

"You'll just have to wait and see."

"Nothing underneath, I hope."

"Wait and see," I repeated, though that was my plan: thigh high stockings and no underwear. I'd never in my life gone commando, but the idea intrigued me, especially with Charles there to reap the benefits.

"Can't you give me a hint so I have some sexy thoughts to help me fall asleep?"

"Oh, all right. There probably won't be anything underneath."

"Cool! So I'll be able to play with you while we're at the party."

"Um, no, not with people around!" Though the idea was arousing. "Everyone doesn't need to know that I don't have anything under my dress."

"Oh, come on, you don't want to be watched? Maybe one of the guys would want to join us in our hotel room afterward."

"Or not. No sharing, remember?"

"True, true. But if we both agreed..."

"No sharing." Even though being with two men was one of my fantasies, it was one I wasn't sure I ever wanted to really fulfill. Especially not with Charles. I didn't want him to think anything bad about me, and I wasn't sure what he'd think of me if I was with another guy.

"Oh, all right. No sharing. But still, you didn't seem to mind people watching us at the house party we went to."

"That was a house party." It had also been our first date, strange as that seemed. "People act like that at house parties. The holiday party is at a public bar, and sex doesn't happen there. You know that."

"I know." He sounded annoyed. "It was just a thought. I'd better let you go, so I can get some sleep and get my run finished when I'm supposed to. I'll talk to you later this week, okay?"

"Okay."

"Bye, sexy."

"Bye."

I put my phone back on the charger. Why had that conversation bothered me so much? Charles was just teasing about fooling around at the party and about sharing me with another man. I knew he wasn't serious. So why was I so irritated by it?

* * *

The next day, I finally got hold of Derek. "The rooms are all set," he said. "You and your guy are right next door to me, so you'd better not be too loud."

"No worries," I said.

"How are things going with him? Okay? I don't have to bust heads, do I?"

I smiled. Since the months since we'd met, Derek had become very protective of me. I liked it; he was the kind of guy who'd give you the shirt off his back along with some of the skin if you were his friend, but if you crossed him or one of his friends, watch out. I had a pretty hefty crush on him, one that I'd never acted on and probably never would, because I didn't want to risk the friendship. He and I'd talked about maybe dating eventually, but now we'd settled in to a comfortable, close friendship with occasional innuendo. "No, you don't have to bust heads," I said. "Things are going well. He took my kids and me out to dinner Friday."

"Ooh, he's met the kids, huh? Sounds serious."

"I don't think so," I said, remembering what Charles had said about no strings. "It was just because he happened to be in town and I couldn't get a sitter. It was kind of a celebration, too; Anissa's living with me again."

"Congratulations. That jackass father of hers doesn't deserve her."

"I agree. I think he tries, but he doesn't quite make it."

"She should be with you. Okay, honey, I have to get going, but I'll see you Saturday. Or maybe sooner; I'm spending Friday night in Andover. You could ride down from there to the party with me, save yourself some gas money."

"I'm actually going early so I can go shopping with Melinda, I think. I have to confirm that with her. But actually, since Andover's halfway between here and there, that would be great. I could see you, and I wouldn't have to leave my house at six in the morning to meet Melinda."

"There ya go, then. I'll talk to you Thursday and make sure that's what you're going to do, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks."

"You're welcome. Talk to you later, sweetheart."

"Was that your evil boyfriend thing again?" Rosa asked when I got off the phone.

"No, that was Derek."

"I like Derek," Anissa said. "I'm not going to that hotel again, though." The previous summer during a major heat wave, Derek had invited the girls and me to the Andover hotel where he seemed to spend most of his weekends. We'd spent a night in air conditioning, and had had a chance to swim in the indoor pool, without a penny coming out of my pocket except for gas. Derek had gotten us a room.

"You don't have to," I said. "I am, though, Friday night. You guys are with Daddy this weekend."

"Do I have to go?" Anissa said.

"Yes, honey, I'm afraid you do. It's his weekend, so I have to let him take you. Besides, you know I'm not going to be here. But after this weekend, I won't be going to Massachusetts for a while."




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 04



"Good. He's with his girlfriend again, you know."

"I know."

"I'm scared to be at her house, Mom. Her ex-husband keeps showing up."

"And her kids keep picking fights and tattling on me," Rosa added.

"Girls, I know you don't like it there, but it's just two days," I said. "And if her ex-husband shows up, call the police. I know she and Daddy don't want to, but you can, okay? He isn't supposed to be there."

"They'll get mad at me," Anissa said.

"I'd rather have them mad at you than have you not be safe."

"Yeah, true. So when are we going?"

"I have to talk to your father and find out if he's picking you up after work Friday or if I'm supposed to drop you off somewhere." Hopefully I'd be dropping them off; if I had to wait for him to get out of work, it would be eight at night by the time I was able to get on the road to meet Derek. "We'll get it figured out."

"His girlfriend isn't too bad," Anissa said. "She tries to be nice. Daddy yells a lot, though."

I took a deep breath and reminded myself that he was their father and legally, I had to let him see them. I knew Anissa sometimes exaggerated; she'd spent most of the previous summer playing her father and me off one another, trying to figure out which of her parents would give her her way. After what the girlfriend had told me the day I'd picked Anissa up, I didn't think she was exaggerating now, but my hands were tied. "My kids will be safe this weekend," I told myself. "I release all concerns and trust that the universe will provide." Immediately, as always when I used that affirmation, I felt better. The weekend would be all right for my kids and for me.

* * * 

Friday afternoon, my ex called. "Am I taking the girls this weekend, or are you going to keep them away from me forever now?"

"What are you talking about?" I said.

"You stole Anissa from me. For all I know, you're going to keep them away from me."

"I didn't steal Anissa. She missed so much school she might have to repeat her grade, she wasn't safe, and you've been bounced back and forth so many times I can't keep track anymore. Your girlfriend's the one who told me to come get Anissa last week, and told me that Anissa wanted to come back here, so if you have a problem with it talk to your girlfriend. I don't want to hear it."

"Whatever. So am I taking the girls this weekend?"

"Yes, you're taking the girls this weekend!" I said, exasperated. "It's your weekend. Are you picking them up, or am I dropping them off somewhere?"

"I won't be back till seven thirty, so you should probably drop them off."

"Where?"

"My parents' house. Where do you think?"

I rolled my eyes. Obviously he wasn't in a good mood. "I wasn't sure. You said you were seeing your girlfriend again."

"Yeah, well, I don't know about that. I'm still staying with my parents right now. So take them up there."

"All right. I'll call your mother to let her know what time I'll be there."

"Yeah, whatever. Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up and called my ex mother, who I'd always gotten along well with. She sounded pleased about seeing her granddaughters, and told me that there was no problem with bringing them up around four thirty. I didn't always drop off the girls that early, but I wanted them to have some time alone with their grandparents before their father got home, and I wanted to have time to get to Andover. I'd talked to Melinda the night before and confirmed the shopping trip, so I was planning to spend the night at the hotel with Derek.

When I hung up from talking to my ex mother, I turned to Anissa, who was on the couch pretending to do homework, and said, "Please get your stuff ready for Daddy's. We're leaving in about an hour."

"We aren't going to her house, are we?"

"No, you're going to Grammy's. Daddy said he isn't living with his girlfriend right now."

"Good. I hate that house. Her ex is always sneaking around outside, and they never take the sheets off the windows. I hate it there."

"Well, you don't have to go there, not this weekend anyway." Though if past experience was any indication, my ex would probably move back to his girlfriend's house within the next week or two. "So go get ready, please."

"Why are we going so early?"

"It isn't that early. And I'm meeting Derek at that hotel where we stayed with him last summer. Tomorrow morning I'm going shopping with Melinda down in Massachusetts."

"Tell her and her kids I say hi." We'd spent a day with Melinda and her children earlier that fall.

"I will. But if you don't hurry up and get ready, no one will be going anywhere."

"You never tell Rosa to hurry up and get ready," she grumbled as she stomped upstairs.

"Rosa isn't even home yet!"

When Rosa got home, I sent her to her room to pack and went into mine to get my own things ready. I hated packing; I was never sure what I'd want to wear, so it was hard to decide what to put into my duffel bag. I knew I had to bring my dress, though, which had arrived two days earlier and was hanging on my cellar door, where I'd put it to dry after handwashing it the day I got it. But I wasn't about to put that in the duffel bag and risk getting it wrinkled again.

I finally figured out some outfits to pack, along with a few accessories for the party the following night, and went to check on Rosa. She was playing with her cat. "Have you packed anything yet?" I asked.

"No."

"We're leaving in less than half an hour. Get packed, please."

She made it with one minute to spare. At four o'clock, we were ready to walk out the door. I stuck my laptop into my duffel bag; I knew I'd want it while I was hanging out with Derek, since he'd be on his own laptop much of the night. We left, and were halfway to the girls' grandparents' house when I realized I'd left the dress behind.

What was I thinking? The most important thing I needed for the weekend, and I'd left it behind! I toyed with the idea of just not bothering with it; I could buy a new dress when Melinda and I went shopping the next day. But that would be a waste of money, and I really liked the dress I'd gotten. Fortunately, my exs lived north of me; I would have to go back through my town to get to Massachusetts, and the highway was only a mile from my house. It was a nuisance, but I'd be able to go back.

I got the kids safely to their grandparents, chatted briefly with their grandmother about my ex, and headed south again. Derek called just as I reached the highway. "Are you coming down?" he asked.

"Yeah, but I have to stop by my house first," I replied. "I forgot my dress."

"How'd you manage that?"

"I don't know. But that won't take me too long. I should be there before seven."

"Okay. Just come on up when you get here. I'm in my usual place." He stayed at that hotel so often that they gave him the same suite every time.

"Okay, see you then."

"Yep. I'll make sure I've got some garlic bread and French fries." He chuckled and hung up. I shook my head; that was a joke that had started between us a few months earlier, when he'd taken me to get something to eat at one of the restaurants beside the hotel, and all I'd ordered was garlic bread and fries. I was vegetarian, so couldn't have most of the food there, and I hadn't been in the mood for pasta. Ever since, Derek had teased me about my food choice.

I stopped off at my house to use the bathroom and get my dress, and made it down to Andover well before seven. When I knocked on Derek's hotel room door, it took him a couple minutes to answer; I was about to call him and make sure he was there when he finally answered. "Sorry," he said. "I was about to take a bath."

"Go ahead," I said. "I can entertain myself."

"You don't want to join me?" he teased.

"Um, no thanks."

He laughed and shut himself in the bathroom. I had just set down my bag when my phone rang. It was Charles. "How are you tonight?" he asked.

"I'm okay, thanks. Just got to Andover."

"Oh, staying with another man tonight, huh?"

"Derek and I are just friends, and it beats having to get up at five tomorrow to drive from my house all the way to Melinda's."

"I was just teasing. I don't get jealous. I know there's nothing to worry about."

"Okay."

"So what are you going to do there tonight?"

"Not much. Just hang out, watch TV, go into chat. I brought my laptop, even though the thing isn't working very well anymore."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It picked up a virus from one of Anissa's friends a couple weeks ago. I ran a virus scan on it, but it couldn't get rid of it. So now the thing's slower than death. But it still works, so it's better than nothing."

"Ah. Well, I can't talk long, but I wanted to let you know I will be there tomorrow night. I should be hitting town around noon or a little after, so just call me when you're done your shopping trip and I'll meet you at the hotel. Or maybe I can take you and Melinda out to lunch; we owe her for fixing us up."

"Okay, sounds good." I smiled hugely at the thought of seeing Charles again. And of making love to him again; we'd seen each other a week earlier, but it had been two and a half weeks since we'd been able to make love. 

"See you tomorrow, sexy. And make sure you wear that dress."

"The dress is for the party. I won't be wearing anything in the hotel room."

"Ooh, can't wait! Bye."

"Bye."

Derek and I spent the evening chatting and goofing around in the chat room. We found it amusing to talk to each other in chat as though we weren't sitting five feet from each other. We talked about serious things too; he told me how things were going with the girl he was seeing, and I told him how things were going with Charles. From the first time Derek had asked for my phone number, I'd found that he was incredibly easy to talk to, and he knew things about me that none of my other friends knew. 

I was up the next morning at seven so I could shower and be on the road by eight. That would give me an hour to reach Melinda's house by the time we'd planned. Derek was still sleeping, though he woke up long enough to say goodbye to me when I left. "I'll be at the hotel by one," he said. "Just give me a call when you're ready to head over and I'll tell them to hurry up with your room. And you can hang out with me if it isn't ready."

"Okay," I said. "Thanks."

He gave me a hug. "You're welcome, darlin'. See you there."

That early on a Saturday, traffic was fairly light. I reached Melinda's just after nine. She wasn't ready to go yet, and invited me to her room while she finished getting ready. "I'm in chat," she explained. "Just checking to see who's going to be there tonight."

"A lot of people?" I asked.

"Yeah, it sounds like it." She went to her closet and took out a cranberry-colored dress. "This is what I'm wearing."

"It's beautiful!" I said. "You're going to look so good in that."

"Thanks. What about your dress?"

"Blue silk, knee-length skirt, halter-style top. I'm going to freeze my ass off, but it looks good on me. I tried it on when I got it."

"Sounds nice. What are you wearing with it?"

"That's what I have to figure out when we go shopping. I don't even own any dress shoes, so I have to find some, and I was thinking thigh highs."

"Thigh highs with nothing else, huh?" Melinda winked. "Someone has a hot night planned."

My face grew warm. "Yeah."

"That's good. I think it's great that you and Charles are together."

"We owe it to you," I said. "If you hadn't talked us into going on that date to that house party, we wouldn't have gotten together. We'd probably still be talking in the chat room about when we could get together for coffee."

"You are both pretty shy." Melinda put her dress back in the closet. "I'm going to go take a quick shower, then we'll go, okay? I have to get a few decorations for the party and get my nails done, but there's a department store in the same shopping center. We can go in there and find your accessories."

Half an hour later, Melinda, her mother, and I were in the car on the way to the nearby shopping center. We chatted while they got their nails done; I thought about having a manicure but decided I couldn't justify the expense. When we were done there, we went to the home improvement store at the other end of the shopping center, where Melinda picked out some garland and mistletoe for the party. "Make sure you pay attention to where we hang this," she told me. "You'll have to get Charles under it."

"I think he'll kiss me without the mistletoe," I said.

"From the sounds of that dress, I'm sure you're right."

Finally we went to the department store. With Melinda's help, I found a pair of black thigh-highs. In the shoe department, the first thing I saw was a pair of black flats on clearance. Not that flats were the best thing to wear with my dress, but I hated heels, especially for a party where I knew I'd be standing most of the night.

"We're going out to lunch," Melinda said when we left the department store. "You're welcome to come with us."

I checked the time on my cell phone. Almost twelve thirty. "Thanks, but Charles should be at the hotel by now," I said. "I'd like to go meet him. He said he'd take you out to lunch too, though."

"Some other time," Melinda said. "But thanks."

She took me back to her house to get my car, then drove off with her mother. Before I backed out of the driveway, I called Charles. It took him a few rings to answer the phone, and he sounded groggy when he said, "Hello?"

"Did I wake you?" I asked.

"Yes. I figured I should get a nap before I take some sexy lady to a party tonight."

"Oh, sorry," I said. "I just finished shopping and I'm heading to the hotel. I didn't mean to wake you; go back to sleep."

"It's early, isn't it?"

"A little. Don't worry about it. Get some sleep, and I'll be at the hotel when you wake up. Derek should be there by now; I'll hang out with him until you get there."

"Okay. See you in a couple hours, sexy."

Most people who went to parties in that area stayed at a hotel a few miles from the bar where the parties were held. That was where I'd stayed until the Halloween party, when Derek had convinced me to stay at the hotel he usually used, one of the same chain as the hotel in Andover. I was headed to that hotel now, hoping I'd be able to find my way. When I'd gone to the Halloween party, Derek had been my transportation from Andover, and I hadn't paid much attention to where we were going. Fortunately, the route was well-marked and the hotel wasn't far off the highway. 

It was only quarter to one when I parked my car, but Derek's car was already there. At least I'd have someone to hang out with until Charles arrived. I went inside to check in. "Your room isn't ready yet," the desk clerk told me. 

"That's fine; I know I'm early," I said. "I'll just call Derek and tell him I'm here." Derek stayed at this hotel almost as often as the one in Andover, and was on a first-name basis with most of the staff.

I dialed Derek's cell number. He answered immediately. "I'm downstairs," I said. "My room isn't ready. Can I hang out with you?"

"Sure. The rooms were supposed to be ready, though. I'll have to have a talk with those people."

"It's no problem," I said. "It isn't even one o'clock yet. I'm just early."

"True, but I figured you would be and told them to have the rooms ready. Anyway, of course you can hang out with me, darlin'. I'll come down and meet you."

When Derek got down to the lobby, he had a short debate with the desk clerk about the rooms. She assured him that my room would be the next one cleaned, and that housekeeping would come to his room to let me know when it was ready. Derek took my bag and carried it to the elevator. "Are you ready to party tonight?" he asked on the way up to the third floor.

"Yeah, I think it's going to be fun." I held up my dress. "Charles is going to like me in this."

"Half the men in the place will like you in that. So what are you going to wear underneath?"

My face flushed again as I replied, "Nothing."

He laughed. "Had a feeling you might say that. Nothing wrong with that, darlin'. You deserve to have a good time."

Derek had more than a room. I'd dated someone whose apartment was smaller than the place the hotel had given Derek. "This used to be the manager's apartment," he explained. "I think I'm going to ask for this room every time I'm here. You'll be right next door."

"This place is amazing," I said. "I could live here!"

"Yeah, it's nice, huh?"

After about an hour, my cell rang. "I'm almost at the hotel," Charles said. "Are you in your dress yet?"

"I'm not in the room yet," I replied. "They haven't cleaned it, so I'm hanging out with Derek." I gave him the room number. "Just come on up when you get here."

"Okay. See you in a few."

"Was that your man?" Derek asked when I got off the phone.

"Yeah. He'll be here in a few minutes."

"Cool. When he gets here, we can order something to eat. Why don't you go down to the desk and get some menus?"

I did. A couple minutes after I got back to the room, there was a knock on the door. I opened it and threw my arms around Charles. "You're here!"

He looked around. "Yes, I seem to be. You aren't wearing the dress."

I laughed. "Not yet. Come on in; we were talking about ordering lunch."

Charles came in and shook hands with Derek. We placed an order for Chinese food and sat down to wait. Some other friends of Derek's showed up; their room wasn't ready either, so we all hung out in Derek's room for a while.

Finally, while we were eating, housekeeping came to the door to let us know our rooms were ready. As soon as lunch was over, Charles and I headed next door. We were barely inside the room when he grabbed me and pulled me to him. "I've missed you," he said.

"I missed you too."

Our lips met and were parted by our tongues. As we kissed, his hands roamed over my body. His touch felt incredible; it was as though every inch of me was tingling. I wanted him so much it hurt; the aching in my pussy was almost more than I could stand.

He broke the kiss and smiled. "Is someone horny?"

"I hope I'm not the only one."

"No, I'd say not." He kissed me again. "It's been too long."

"Two and a half weeks."

"That's too long."

He lifted my shirt, and I raised my arms to allow him to remove it. I hadn't worn a bra that morning; that had been the one thing I'd forgotten to pack. With me nude from the waist up, Charles just stood and looked at me. "You're beautiful."

"Thank you," I said.

He bent and took one of my nipples in his mouth. I moaned, and he responded by sliding his hand between my legs. Through my jeans, he pressed against my clit. "Charles!" I cried.

In one sudden movement, he lifted me and put me on the bed. Instantly he covered my body with his. "I want you," he said.

"I want you too."

He undid my jeans and pulled them off, along with my thong. Without removing his own clothes, he lowered his mouth to my pussy and sucked on my clit. "Oh, my god!" I shouted.

For several minutes, Charles licked and sucked me, until finally I came, crying out his name. Then he stood and undressed. I reached for his cock and stroked it. "Is that what you want?" he asked.

"Oh, yes."

He lay on me and rubbed his bare cock along my slit. "Are you sure you want it?"

"I want it if you put on a condom."

"Oh, yes, those. Do you know how hard it is to resist making love to you right now?"

"I'm sure it is, but safety first." 

"Well, all right."

He got up and took his variety condom pack out of his bag. He dumped the condoms onto his bed and said, "Go ahead and pick one."

I tore one off the strip and handed it to him. He handed it back. "If you want me to use one, you put it on me."

I hesitated. I'd never put a condom on a man before, and wasn't sure I could do it right. I figured I'd either break the thing or put it on inside out. But it wasn't as hard as I thought. Kneeling beside him, I unrolled the condom over his shaft. Once it was on, Charles tugged on my leg and said, "Ride me."




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 04



I straddled him and tried to lower myself onto his cock. Tried to, because while this was one of my favorite positions, it was my most awkward. Charles and I had tried this way once before, and I'd had the same problem. Finally I managed it and started slowly riding him. "I'd rather have you on top," I said.

"I guess we can do that."

We rolled over and Charles thrust hard into me. I gasped as his thick cock filled me. He fucked me hard for a few minutes, bringing me closer and closer to orgasm.

Then there was a knock on the door.

"Shit!" I swore.

"Hello?" a cheery voice called from the other side of the door.

It wasn't a voice I recognized, but I figured it was one of Derek's friends. "Bad timing!" I yelled back.

"Oops. Sorry!"

Charles and I looked at each other and laughed. "Shall we continue?" he asked. "Or do you want to see who that was?"

"She can wait," I said. "Keep fucking me."

He thrust a few more times. Then my cell phone rang.

I didn't want to interrupt things, but I knew it might be Anissa and Rosa. "I should get that," I said. "It might be my kids."

Charles groaned and rolled off me. "Go ahead."

I took my cell out of my purse. Of course, it was Anissa. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Daddy keeps yelling at us."

"Do you need me to come home?"

"Are you with Charles?"

"Yes, but that's okay. If you guys need me to come get you, I will. You know that."

"No, we'll be okay. Grammy and Papa will be back soon. But Daddy keeps yelling, and Rosa keeps whining and that isn't helping."

"Let me talk to Rosa."

"Rosa!" Anissa called.

After a moment, I heard Rosa's quiet voice on the phone. "Hi, Mommy."

"Honey, what's going on?" I asked.

"Anissa keeps bugging me. And Daddy keeps yelling."

"Does whining help?"

"No."

"Do you want me to come home?"

"No, I want to stay here. Our cousins are coming for dinner."

"Then be good, all right? I love you."

"I love you too."

Anissa came back on the phone. "Have fun at your party, Mom."

"Are you sure you guys are okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay. I think Rosa will listen to me now."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

I closed the phone and turned back to Charles. "Sorry. They're having a hard time."

"That's okay," he said. "Your kids have to come first."

"Should we pick up where we left off?"

He gestured at his softening cock. "I don't think we can, but that's all right. It's just about time to get ready for the party anyway."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He got off the bed and put his arms around me. "We'll just have to make up for it later."

"Oh, we will."

"Good." He swatted my ass. "Then get that sexy dress of yours on."



What Was I Thinking? Ch. 05



I'd never looked this good. At least, I thought I looked good. And from the appreciative look Charles gave me when I came out of the bathroom in my royal blue silk dress, he thought so too.

"I'm going to have to keep a close eye on you tonight," Charles said. 

"Why's that?" I asked.

"Every man in the place will want you. You look so sexy, Kelly." He nuzzled my neck. "If we didn't have to leave soon, I'd rip that dress right off you."

"You wouldn't have to."

"What do you have on underneath?" he asked suggestively.

"Find out."

Charles lifted the skirt of my dress and flicked his finger against my bare pussy. "Mmm, my favorite. We're going to have a lot of fun with this tonight."

"Yeah, when we get back from the party."

"Oh, you mean you aren't going to let me touch you at all at the party?" He pretended to pout.

"Well, maybe a little." The thought of Charles groping me in public turned me on, especially since he'd done so at the house party we'd gone to on our first date. But tonight's party was at a bar, and was intended as just a friendly get-together with other people who belonged to the adult chat site through which Charles and I had met. Groping wasn't quite as acceptable there as at a house party, though it certainly happened.

"Woohoo!" Charles said. "I get to go to the party with the sexiest woman there and grope her!"

"We'll see about the groping. You look nice." He wore a black button-down shirt and black pants, the same outfit he'd worn on our first date. As a trucker, Charles didn't have much reason to dress up, so didn't own much other than pullovers and jeans. 

"Thank you. You look absolutely lovely, in addition to incredibly sexy."

I blushed. "You give great compliments."

"You deserve them."

"Thank you."

Charles put his arms around me and kissed me, his tongue finding its way between our lips to mine. His hands slid down the silky back of my dress to my ass and cupped my cheeks. "Be careful," I said. "If you make me wet, I don't have any panties to keep in the moisture."

"Well, then, I guess I'd have to lick it up."

"You would, huh?"

"Yep." He knelt beside me and pushed my skirt up above my waist. He put one of my legs up on his shoulder and licked my clit. "Just like that. Delicious!"

"Don't do that again, or we won't get out of here for the party," I said. "I bet the others are almost ready by now."

Charles checked his watch. "We still have time. We aren't riding over with them, are we?"

"No, but if we're going in my car, you're driving. I have no idea how to get to the bar from here."

"You stayed here for the Halloween party, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but Derek and I rode over with friends of his, and the guy you saw me with there drove me back."

"Ah, he gave you a ride, huh?"

I looked away, my face warm. Charles didn't seem to have a problem with the idea that I'd been with other guys; of course, we'd met on a sex site, as others were fond of reminding me. But I was embarrassed to talk to him about the guy I'd picked up at the Halloween party, a guy I'd dated once or twice before but who was several years younger than I. I'd left the Halloween party with him because the month prior to it had been rough and I'd wanted some stress relief. Since I'd already known the guy, he'd fit my rule against random sex. "Yeah, I guess you could say that," I muttered.

"Hey, don't be embarrassed," Charles said. "There's nothing wrong with it. You had fun with him, right?"

"Yeah."

"Just because you ignored me in favor of him..." He winked to show he was joking.

"I didn't ignore you. I didn't even know you."

"Derek introduced us, but he was encouraging you to go after the kid. Kelly, I'm just teasing you. As long as you enjoyed yourself that night, it's good. And as long as you leave the party with me tonight."

I kissed him. "Of course I'm leaving with you tonight. Who else would I leave with?"

"Well, you might find some other handsome young man and decide to bring him home instead."

Laughing, I swatted him on the arm. "You are handsome. And you're not that old."

"I'm not that old, huh?" He tickled me. "So I am old?"

"No!" I tried to dodge his fingers. "You're not old!"

Charles caught me around the waist and pulled me tightly against him. "Good answer. Because I don't think this feels old, does it?" He ground his crotch against me; I could feel his hard cock through his pants.

"Doesn't feel old at all." I pulled away. "But it feels like something that's going to have to wait, because it's almost time to leave for the party."

"You're no fun."

"Nope, none at all. But I'll be plenty of fun when we get back."

"Oh, okay. Why don't we go see if the others are ready to leave, then, before I attack you right here."

"Well..." I glanced at the clock beside the bed. "We have time for you to attack me if you want, but it might wrinkle my dress."

"And I want to get to the party early anyway, to see if there's anything I can do to help set up. I'll attack you later." He pressed his lips to mine in a sweet, long kiss. "You do look beautiful tonight. I'm the luckiest guy going to that party."

"I think I'm pretty lucky too."

"Nah, I'm nothing special." He took his keys and the room key card off the bureau and put them in his pocket. "Okay, let's go."

Our first stop was the room next door, where my friend Derek was staying, along with two or three other women who'd wanted to come to the party but hadn't been able to get a room. Derek often offered people a place to stay when they needed it; I'd stayed with him myself several times, and nothing had ever happened between us. Derek just wasn't like that. 

He opened the door, still wearing shorts and a T-shirt. "You look nice, darlin'," he said to me. "Heading over already?"

"Yeah, I thought I'd see if I could help set up," Charles replied. "You aren't going yet?"

"I probably won't show up there till nine or later," Derek said. "I don't go early to those things. Most people don't show up till later. But if you're going, have a good time. I'll see you there later."

I gave him a hug. "See you later. Have fun getting ready."

He laughed. "Yeah, right. That's if the bathroom's ever free for me to take a shower. There are too many women here."

"I heard that!" a female voice called from inside the room.

"Then let me into my own goddamn bathroom!" Derek called back. 

"Which of them is your date?" Charles asked.

"None of them. I'll end up coming back here and just sleeping. A lot of times I come back alone after a party. It's all good."

"If you want a turn in the bathroom, better take it now," the same female voice called.

"Okay." Derek smiled at me. "Have a good time. See you in a little while."

He closed the door. As Charles and I walked to the elevator, he took my hand. "He's a nice guy to let those women stay with him and not expect anything," Charles said.

"That's how Derek is," I replied. "The first time I ever met him face to face, after a month or two of talking online and on the phone, was during that bad heat wave last summer. My kids and I were going nuts at home; we didn't have an air conditioner, and it was just plain too hot to do anything. Derek found out and invited us down to the hotel in Andover where he stays a lot. We got to spend the night in air conditioning, and swim in the indoor pool. Derek even paid for a separate room for the girls and me."

"That was really nice of him," Charles said.

"Derek's an awesome person."

"Well, I owe him one for introducing us at the Halloween party, even if he was telling you to go after that young guy at the same time."

"You see how that turned out. I'm here with you, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are."

The elevator finally came and we got on. As soon as the doors shut, Charles grabbed me. He kissed me hard and cupped one of my breasts in his hand. For the few seconds it took the elevator to descend, we embraced. He let me go just as the doors slid open again. "We should have stayed on a higher floor," he said.

"We're on the top floor," I pointed out.

"Then I should have pressed the button to stop the elevator. Now I'll have to wait till we get back from the party to finish what I was doing."

"You'll live."

Since Charles had driven his tractor trailer to the hotel, we got into my car for the ride to the party. Charles was behind the wheel. "Are you sure you know how to get there from here?" I asked.

"I'm a truck driver. I know how to get pretty much anywhere, especially in this area. Don't worry; we'll be there in no time."

I didn't say much as we drove to the bar where the party was being held. Before chat room parties, I was always nervous and usually didn't want to go. Since I was determined not to let my nerves get the better of me, I always went anyway. I'd had anxiety attacks at most of them, caused by difficulty coping with crowds, and the last thing I wanted was to have an attack in front of Charles. 

On the other hand, this was the first time I'd gone to a party with someone else. Maybe having Charles with me would help me stay calm and relaxed. I was always fine after the first fifteen minutes or so at a party, but it would be nice to walk into one and not have to go hide in the bathroom within moments of arriving.

"You're being awfully quiet," Charles said. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, just psyching myself up," I replied.

"I thought maybe you were worried about your kids."

"That too." 

"Anissa said they were all right, didn't she?" 

"Yeah. I just can't help worrying. Their dad doesn't exactly take care of them when he has them. And that woman he's with has said at least once that she hates Rosa because she can't figure out how to 'handle' her. Rosa's like any other kid; you just have to be more literal with her."

"Your kids are great, and it's their father's loss if he can't see it."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." He glanced at the dashboard clock. "You have about five more minutes to worry, and then you need to relax and have fun at the party. You've got your phone, right?"

"Right."

"So if there are any problems, your kids can call you. But you need time to have fun and let your hair down a little. You're a mom, but you're a human being too. You can't put your entire life on hold for your kids. Just let their father do his job, or at least try to. You'll have the girls back tomorrow, safe and sound."

"Yeah, they'll be fine." My instincts told me they would be. My opinion of my ex-husband told me different. Hopefully my instincts would prove correct.

When we arrived at the bar, only a handful of people were there, including Melinda, the woman who had set Charles and me up on our first date. She and a few other people were bustling around, putting up the mistletoe Melinda had bought when she and I'd gone shopping earlier and other decorations, and arranging food on long tables that had been set up at one side of the dance area. Two women were moving another table. Charles went over to them and said, "Can I help?"

"Sure." One of the women let go of the table. "Thanks. I'm Jenna, by the way." She gave her chat room handle.

"Charles," Charles replied. He shook her hand, then picked up the table. "Where do you want this?"

"Over by the others," Jenna said. "We ran out of room for the food. More people brought stuff than we expected."

"Oh, we didn't bring anything!" I said. I'd meant to stop and pick up some chips and dip, which was my usual contribution to these parties. I traveled too far to bring anything I'd cooked, even if I was capable of cooking.

"That's okay; we'll still let you eat." Jenna winked. "That's if you can find anything you can eat, Kelly."

"Yeah, I'm sure there are some things here without meat or dairy," I said. 

"We won't let you starve," Charles said. He set the table where Jenna had instructed. "If I have to, I'll run out and get you something."

"No need to do that," I said. "There's plenty here." I looked at the selection of food that had arrived so far. Most of it did have meat, but there was a vegetable platter, a selection of fruit, and some rice and beans, all of which I could have. 

"Are you sure?" Charles said. "I could go get something for us to contribute to the party and something just for you."

"Don't worry about contributing to the party." Melinda came over to us and gave each of us a hug. "We have too much as it is."

"It doesn't look like much so far," Charles said. "I mean, there's enough here, but to hear you and Jenna talk, you're overwhelmed with food."

"Not everyone's here yet," Melinda pointed out. "We have at least a dozen more people coming who are planning to bring stuff." 

"All right, if you're sure." Charles took off his jacket and turned to me. "May I take your coat, madame?"

I smiled. "Thank you, kind sir." I unbuttoned the coat Charles had bought me a couple weeks earlier and let him help me slip it off my arms. He found an out of the way chair and laid the coats carefully over the back of it.

"Kelly?" 

I turned toward the voice and saw Ryan, one of my closest friends, wearing his trademark Stetson. "Ryan!" I squealed. Though we talked frequently online, I hadn't seen him since the Halloween party.

I ran over to him and he grabbed me in a hug that lifted me off my feet, not difficult for him since he was a good six inches taller than I was. "You look great!" he said. 

"Thanks, so do you." I flicked the brim of his hat, as I did every time I saw him. "Where's Gail?"

"She's around here somewhere. She's cohosting this, so she got roped into helping with decorations as soon as we walked in the door. Where's your man?"

"Over here." I led him over to Charles. "Charles, this is my good friend Ryan. Ryan, Charles."

"You're the racing fan, right?" Charles asked, shaking Ryan's hand.

"Yes. Yes, I am," Ryan replied. "You too?"

"Yep. Who's your driver?"

Ryan named his favorite driver. I rolled my eyes and walked away, leaving them to bicker cheerfully about who the best driver was. Ryan's girlfriend Gail was near the bar, talking to the bartender. I went over and tapped her on the shoulder. "Good evening."

She turned and gave me an enthusiastic hug, though not quite as enthusiastic as Ryan's. "Kelly, good to see you!" she said. "Ryan said you had a date for tonight. Where is he?"

"Debating racing with Ryan." I nodded toward where the two men stood. 

"Like that's surprising." Gail studied me. "Does he treat you well?"

"Yeah, he's great," I said. "He bought me a coat; he took my kids and me out to dinner last week; he's a really good guy."

"That's good. You deserve to be treated that way. You've been through enough." 

In addition to knowing all the lurid details of what I'd been through with my ex-husband, Gail and Ryan had gotten me through a messy breakup with another man I'd dated at the beginning of the fall. Because of that situation, I'd barely spoken to anyone from the chat room for almost a month; the Halloween party was the first time some people had seen or heard from me since summer. If it hadn't been for Ryan and Gail's persuasion and Derek's threat to come to my house and drag me to Massachusetts, I wouldn't have gone to the Halloween party, either. 

"I've been through too much," I said. "But Charles has been wonderful. He and I still owe Melinda big time for setting up our first date."

"You went to a house party, right?"

My face got warm. "Yeah, but we didn't really do anything. We danced and talked to people, and sat in a corner and kissed. It was more like one of these parties than what I thought a house party would be like."

"As long as you were comfortable there, that's all that matters. Seems like a strange setting for a first date, though."

"Yeah, I thought so too. But it worked for us."

Charles and Ryan came over to us. "Talking about us?" Ryan asked, putting his arms around Gail from behind.

"Yes, we are," Gail said. "We're talking about how all you ever talk about is racing."

"Racing is important," Charles said.

"As important as spending time with beautiful women at a party?" I asked.

"Well, maybe not that important."

More people arrived, and I went to say hello to them. I'd been to enough of these parties that I knew almost everyone, and I was happy to see them again after a month and a half. I introduced Charles to everyone. He already knew some of the people I introduced him to, which made me feel a little foolish until he said, "It's okay, I can't always remember names. You'll have to keep refreshing my memory."

"No problem," I said. "I know most of these people."

"I've noticed that."

A tall man with curly black hair came over to us. "I know you," he said to me. He said my chat room handle. "You're the one who writes those incredible stories."

"Stories?" Charles asked.

I blushed. I hadn't told him one of my deepest secrets yet. "I write erotic short stories sometimes. Not many, though."

"You write hot, sexy, erotic short stories," the other man said. "When are you going to have more?"

"I don't know," I replied. "Soon, I hope."

"Well, keep me posted, okay? I want to read them!"

"Okay, I will."

He gave me a hug, which weirded me out a little, and walked off through the crowd. "Who was that?" Charles asked.

"I'm not completely sure," I said. "Someone who likes my stories, apparently."

"I'd like to read some of your stories. You've been holding out on me; I didn't even know you wrote stories like that. Are you going to write one about me?"

"Maybe."

"Ooh, I'm going to be famous!"

I laughed. "Yeah. Sure you are."

"Well, if you put me in one of those stories of yours..."

"Not that many people read my stories."

Several people that evening proved me wrong about that, however. I got a few compliments about my stories and questions about when I'd be writing another one. I hadn't written many, only four or five, which I'd posted on an online erotic story site. I'd told my friends in the chat room about it, and apparently they'd spread the word. I was pleased by the compliments, though a little uncomfortable that people were complimenting me in front of Charles. I wasn't sure what he'd think about me writing that type of story.

By eight thirty, the bar was packed. Usually in crowds, I felt smothered, but with Charles beside me I was fine. I stayed close to him, though I wandered away a couple of times to greet friends and acquaintances while Charles was talking to someone else. When Derek finally arrived, I went to talk to him. "Are you having a good time?" he asked.

"So far, so good," I replied. "There are too many people here, though."

"Yeah, I knew it was going to be crowded," he said. "It's December. People don't want to go out on the deck, and with everyone in here there isn't a lot of room."

"Some people are out on the deck. The smokers."

"Well, yeah, they can't smoke inside, but I bet they aren't happy about being out there. It isn't exactly warm." Derek looked around. "Where's your man?"

"Over there." I nodded toward the far end of the bar. "He's talking to someone whose name I can't remember."

"That's an interesting handle."

"Yeah, funny. I had to get away from him, though. He smells so strongly of pot he was making me sick."

"Probably some people down below the deck getting stoned. Happens every party."

"Yeah. But that smell is beyond the usual."

Charles made his way through the crowd to us and shook Derek's hand. "Glad you made it," he said. "The women finally let you into the bathroom, huh?"

"Yeah, finally," Derek said. "They're still back at the hotel getting ready, but they'll be here sooner or later. I'm going to go make the rounds and say hi to people. Talk to you later." He headed into the other section of the bar.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Charles asked.




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 05



"Ginger ale, please." I didn't drink alcohol.

"I think that's what I'll have too. I'm not in the mood to drink tonight." He pushed his way up to the bar and waited for the bartender to notice him.

Ryan came over to me. "Having fun?"

"Yeah, it's okay. Where's Gail?"

"Talking to the DJ. Is your date being good to you?"

"Yeah." I smiled. "He's been great to me ever since our first date. He's getting us something to drink right now."

"Good. If you have any problems with him, let me know."

Ryan was one of my more protective friends. Which didn't bother me in the least; I knew after the way things had been with my ex, I was more naïve than most about dating and men, and I was glad to have people looking out for me. I gave Ryan a hug. "I will, but I think we'll be okay."

"I hope so. You deserve to be treated like a queen, Kelly. Don't ever forget that."

"I won't. Thank you."

Charles came back and handed me a red plastic cup. "Talking about racing again?" he asked.

"Yeah, just talking about how much your driver sucks," Ryan replied.

"My driver's won five championships. How many has yours won again? Oh, yeah... none!"

"My driver's won the helmet-throwing championship ten years running," Ryan joked. "Oops, they're playing my song. Gail requested hair metal for me."

He walked away. "Do you want to dance?" Charles asked me.

"To this?" The song was an eighties heavy-metal song that did not lend itself easily to dancing. 

"Well, maybe we'll wait till this is over." He put his arms around my waist, mindful of his drink. "But I do want to dance with my sexy date tonight. You don't mind that, do you?"

"No, not at all. My date's a good dancer."

"Well, I try."

The next song was a slow one. Charles and I set our drinks down in a place that we thought would be safe and went out onto the small dance floor. He held me tightly as we moved to the music, though his hands didn't exactly stay in an innocent place, instead cupping my ass. I felt myself get wet, and through Charles's pants, I could feel his arousal as well. "When we get back to the hotel, you'd better watch out," I whispered in his ear.

"Oh? And what's going to happen when we get back to the hotel?"

"You'll just have to wait and see."

"Are you going to attack me and take advantage of me?"

"Maybe."

"Ooh, I can't wait!"

The song ended, and we picked up our drinks and went to a chair in the corner. Charles sat down and gestured at his lap. "A gentleman always gives a lady a place to sit," he said.

"Well, thank you." I cautiously sat on his lap, hoping that I could balance. I hadn't had much luck sitting on laps in the past.

Charles's arms went around my waist, holding me steady. "There we go, now my lap's nice and warm."

"Glad I could be useful."

"Oh, you're useful." He reached under my skirt and brushed a finger against my clit. I gasped. "Very useful."

I swatted his arm. "Are you nuts? People could see! This isn't a house party, Charles."

"So you don't like this?"

"Not here."

He took his hand out of my dress. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"It was kind of exciting," I admitted. "But this is a public place, and we could get thrown out for that. I want to stay for the rest of the party. Or at least as much as we can stand before we decide we have to get back to the hotel and attack each other."

"Fair enough. But you can still sit on my lap."

"Yes, I like sitting here."

"Good, because I like having you sit here."

After a while, the party got rowdier. People were drinking, of course, and it began to show. Charles and I were amused by some of the antics we saw, like Derek groping every woman who went near his seat at the bar, which he had staked out shortly after arriving and hadn't moved from since. This group had gotten together enough times before that even drunk, they were usually respectful to each other, though there was a near-fight that resulted in two men I didn't know being asked to leave.

Charles and I danced several more times, but mostly we sat and watched, and chatted with the people who came over to say hello to us. Near the end of the night, one of the chat room regulars, a man with an incredible singing voice, and a woman I'd met for the first time that night, sang a duet of Meat Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light". Sitting on Charles's lap, I let the music get the better of me and decided to attempt a lap dance.

I moved my ass on his lap in time to the music. He put his hands on my hips and sighed appreciatively. I'd never given a lap dance before, but I'd seen several at these parties, so I did what I'd seen, shimmying on his lap, shaking my ass and running my hands up his thighs. At first, I faced away from him, but then a friend ran over, horrified, and tugged down the hem of my dress. Evidently I'd given more of a show than I'd intended; I'd forgotten I had nothing under the dress.

I turned to face Charles. Careful that my dress covered what was visible to others, I straddled his lap and writhed against him. He fingered me. I looked around to make sure no one was watching; fortunately, everyone seemed to be paying attention to the singers, not to me. 

When the song ended, I returned to my more innocent position sitting on his lap. "What did you think of that?" I asked.

"I think you'd better be ready when we get back to the hotel room." He took my hand and put it on the bulge in his pants. "See what you've done?"

"Gosh, I'm sorry," I said. "I'll have to make it up to you when we go back."

"Yes, you will."

The next song the DJ played was "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy". I tried to pull Charles up to dance with me, but he shook his head. "You dance, I'll watch."

I went onto the dance floor and started moving to the music. Then Ryan ran up to me and shouted, "Save a horse, fall on your ass!"

The previous summer, I'd done just that; my feet had gone out from under me while I danced on the bar's deck, and I'd fallen in front of everyone. Leave it to Ryan to tease me about it. Laughing, I ran after him and tackled him. He hugged me. "Had to say it," he said.

"I know," I replied. "I'd worry if you didn't tease me."

I went back to dancing, and managed not to fall. While I was on the dance floor, I saw Ryan talking to Charles, but thought nothing of it; they were probably talking about racing again. 

By the time the song ended, the party had started to wind down. Quite a few people had already left for hotels or other parties. Usually when I came to parties with my friends, I stayed until the very end, but Charles had other ideas. "I've been up since four this morning, other than that nap I took while you were shopping," he said. "I'd like to go back to the hotel, if that's okay with you."

"If you're so tired, I guess we'll have to wait till morning to finish what the lap dance started," I said.

"Well, I might be able to stay awake long enough to take care of that."

"Okay. Just let me say goodbye to people."

I made my way around the bar. With as many people as I knew, it took me nearly twenty minutes to say goodbye to everyone. Ryan and Derek both asked me the same question: "Are you okay with him?"

"He and I are fine," I replied both times. "We're going back to the hotel."

"Have fun," they both said.

Charles drove back to the hotel, since I wasn't any more sure of the way back than I had been of the way there. "Your friends are pretty protective of you," he said.

"Huh?"

"A few of them told me I'd better not do anything to hurt you. Ryan and Gail each talked to me separately and told me that; Derek told me, and a couple of the other people you introduced me to. I can't remember their names."

I cringed. I knew my friends were protective, but I was worried about what Charles would think of their input. "I'm sorry. They're just trying to look out for me."

"No need to be sorry. It's nice that your friends care about you so much. But I've told you I'll never hurt you, haven't I? You've had your heart broken too many times; I don't want to add to it."

"I know. Thank you."

"Oh, you're welcome. And don't worry about your friends. They're just being good friends."

When we got back to the hotel, Charles lay on the bed and closed his eyes. "Time to sleep."

"See?" I said. "I knew you'd be too tired to finish what we started earlier."

"Well, maybe I'm not that tired." He grabbed my wrist and pulled me down on top of him. "Do I feel tired?"

I reached down and rubbed his cock through his pants. "This part of you doesn't feel tired."

"Ah. Then maybe I'm not as tired as I thought." 

He kissed me deeply; his tongue tickled my lips and parted them. His hands ran over my ass, then pushed my dress up out of the way so he could touch my bare skin. "I've wanted to get my hands on this all night," he said.

"You had your hands on it a few times at the bar," I reminded him.

"True, but you wouldn't let me keep them there for long."

"Because I didn't want us to get arrested."

"Aw, they wouldn't have arrested us. The other people at the party might have liked the show."

"Right. I'm sure they would have."

Charles slid a finger around my asshole. I held my breath, waiting, but he didn't slip it inside. I moved against his cock, almost fucking him through our clothes until he pushed me up and pulled my dress up over my head. "You're as beautiful out of the dress as in it," he said.

"Thank you." I took his hand and put it on my breast. "That feels nice."

"I know something that will feel nicer."

He rolled us over so he was on top of me, and closed his mouth around one of my nipples. "Oh, Charles," I sighed. "That is good."

He pushed my breasts together so he could alternate sucking one, then the other. I closed my eyes and savored the sensation. I'd been horny all night just from the novelty of being completely nude under my dress; Charles touches and gropes at the bar had increased it. With the touch of his mouth now, my pussy got so wet I could barely stand it. I squirmed against him. "Is someone horny?" he asked.

"Yes!" I said. "How could I not be? You had your hands all over me at the party."

"Well, you didn't seem to mind."

"I didn't mind. It just made me horny."

"Ah. So now I have to do something about that?"

"Yes, you do."

"Ah. Well, all right."

He stood and stripped off his clothes. When he was naked, I reached over and grasped his cock. "Is someone else horny?" I teased.

"I never said I wasn't."

I stroked his cock, then took just the head in his mouth. Charles moaned and knelt on the bed so I could take him more deeply. I sucked him hard, trying to make him come in my mouth; that was something he hadn't done yet, and I wanted to taste him. But after several minutes, my jaw was sore and he hadn't come yet. I stopped and lay back. "That was very nice," Charles said. "Now it's your turn."

"Ooh, is it?" I said. "Nice!"

He lowered his head to my clit and nibbled on it. I cried out; Charles was the first man who'd done that to me, though other men had given me oral, and I loved how it felt. He nibbled and licked until I felt myself crash over the edge. "God, Charles, that feels so fucking good!" I shouted as I came.

"I'm glad," he said. "I like to make you feel good." He moved on top of me again and rubbed his cock along my slit. "I know something that will feel much better."

"Oh, Charles!" It did feel good, and I wanted to just let him plunge his cock inside me. But he wasn't wearing a condom, and I wasn't ready to allow that yet. I'd given a good friend my word that I wouldn't have unprotected sex, and I tried to always keep my word. At the same time, though, I didn't want Charles to stop to put on a condom. "Charles, we can't..."

"I know. I'm being careful; it's okay. I won't go inside you. But doesn't this feel good?"

"It feels amazing, but I want you to fuck me."

"You do, do you?" He reached over to the nightstand, where his variety condom pack still sat from our earlier lovemaking. "I guess I'd better put one of these on, then."

"Yes, you'd better."

He rolled off me and handed the condom to me. Carefully, I put it on him. "You feel so good and taste so good," he said. "I wish I didn't have to use one of these."

"Safety first," I reminded him.

"I know. Keep me honest, Kelly." 

He pulled me on top of him. Wordlessly, I grasped his cock and guided him into me as I lowered my pussy. I clenched my inner muscles a few times; Charles gasped and grabbed my hips. With him moving me, I rode him. He lay completely still other than his hands, letting me do all the work. In this position, I always came easily, and this time was no exception. "Charles, fuck, that feels good! Oh, god, I'm coming!"

He smiled, but made no sound. I was still getting used to the fact that Charles stayed completely silent when we made love. The other men I'd been with had been as vocal as I was, if not more so; even my ex-husband, as boring and inept a lover as he'd been, had made sounds when we fucked. With Charles I constantly wondered whether he was actually enjoying himself, though I had no reason to think he wasn't. 

When my orgasm subsided, I moved off him and lay on my back. "I want you on top now," I said.

"Gladly." 

He positioned himself on me and thrust his cock back inside me. Having come twice already, I quickly felt close to coming again, though I held it off this time. I wanted Charles to come. He fucked me hard, pulling his cock nearly all the way out and then ramming it back in, until I couldn't hold back anymore. "Fuck it, I'm coming again!" I cried.

Again, Charles stayed silent. After another moment, he lay still. He kissed me and got off me, and I thought he must have come, though I'd missed the exact moment. "That was very enjoyable," he said.

"I agree."

He put his arms around me and pulled me against his chest. "I've had a wonderful evening. I hope we'll be able to do it again sometime."

"The next party is the New Year's Eve one," I said. "That's going to be in downtown Worcester instead of at the bar."

"I don't think I'll be able to make that one. I'll be up home the weekend before New Year's. But I would like to take you somewhere for New Year's Eve. What do you usually do that night?"

"Sit at my computer until I'm tired, then go to bed. Same thing I do pretty much every night. Most of the time, I don't even stay up till midnight."

"Well, that's no fun. We'll have to find something to do. What about the people that had that party we went to on our first date? Aren't they having a New Year's Eve party? I think I saw something about that on their mailing list."

"Yeah, I think so." I'd signed up for that group's email list after the first party Charles and I'd gone to. "So you think you want to go to another house party?"

"Now that I know what to expect, I wouldn't mind it. It wasn't at all what I'd thought it would be. I figured people would be having sex all over the place and propositioning me and stealing you away from me. But it wasn't like that at all."

"Yeah, it was pretty relaxed. I'd been to another house party once, and that one was like you're thinking, naked people walking around and I saw one woman giving a guy a blowjob right next to the picnic tables."

"You'd been to another house party?"

Hadn't I told him that? I wasn't sure what he was thinking; times like this, I wished I could read minds. I certainly didn't want Charles thinking anything negative about me, but I wasn't going to lie to him. "Yes, I had, with a couple of friends from the chat room. Friends who were a couple, I mean. They invited me. But I mostly just hung around with the guy; I didn't do anything with anyone else." It had been Ryan and his then-wife, but I didn't want Charles to know that.

"You don't have to make excuses to me, Kelly. I don't have a problem with anything you've done in the past. Did you have fun there?"

"Yeah, it was okay. I went twice, then some other stuff happened and they stopped going, and so did I."

"But you had fun?"

"Yes, I had fun."

"Then that's what's important. I don't think I'd like you to go to a house party without me now, but the past is the past. Right?"

"Right."

"Then don't worry about it. I'm not."

"Okay."

He suddenly rolled on top of me and pinned me down, holding my arms above my head. "To be honest, talking about this kind of thing makes me horny."

"Ready to go again already?" I teased.

"I didn't come before. I wanted to be able to fuck you longer, so I stopped before I came. You don't mind, do you?"

"Not at all." I reached between us to touch his cock. He still wore the condom. "So I get more of this?"

"You get more of that. In just a second." 

He got off me and flipped me over onto my stomach. I'd told him how much I liked being fucked from behind, but we hadn't done it yet. Now, he knelt behind me and moved my hips to the position he wanted me in. "You're going to fuck me doggy?" I said.

"You said you like it," he replied.

"I do."

"Then I'm going to."

He eased the head of his cock into my pussy, then lowered himself so his body covered mine. This was what I liked best about this position; I couldn't move, could only lie there while Charles fucked me, but I was completely safe with him. I felt both out of control and protected, and I loved it.

Charles thrust hard in and out of me. I slipped my hand under myself and played with my clit as he fucked. With each thrust, his cock hit my g-spot, making me cry out. "Oh, god, Charles, fuck me! Fuck! Oh, my god!"

Charles, as always, was silent, but his breathing was heavier than usual. He had told me that he'd only done this position once or twice before; from the sounds of his breathing, he enjoyed it. Hearing his breathing, feeling his cock inside me, it was only a matter of time before I came. And when I did, it was one of the hardest orgasms I'd ever had. "Oh, my fucking god!" I screamed.

Charles continued thrusting, harder than before. I felt my pussy contract around his cock and squeezed my muscles to make it even tighter. After that orgasm, I was so sensitive that I didn't think I could stand much more fucking. Finally, I felt Charles tense. He groaned softly, then pulled out and flopped onto his back. "Now I'm tired."

"So am I." I lay on my stomach beside him. "That was so good, though!"

"Glad you enjoyed it. I'd been planning that for tonight, you know, ever since you told me you liked it. I want to do all the things with you that you like, and help you fulfill all your fantasies."

"I have a lot of fantasies," I said.

"Tell me about them. If they're things I can do, I will. You deserve to have someone do everything you've ever dreamed of, Kelly."

"You told me the first time we talked in the chat room that I deserved to have someone make love to me, not just fuck me."

"You do. And I hope I've done that."

"You have." With Charles, I did feel like it was making love. That was a new feeling for me; even with my ex-husband, it had always been fucking. I hadn't loved him, even when we'd first married. 

"I'm glad." Charles got off the bed and went into the bathroom. When he came back, he slipped under the covers and held his arms out to me. "Come here."

I curled up under the covers beside him, and he put his arms around me. "It's nice falling asleep with you," he said.

"I like it too." 

"I'm glad I was able to work things out to be here with you tonight. You know how my job is; I never know where they're going to send me or when, and I won't always be able to see you when I want to. But so far, we've had pretty good luck, haven't we?"

"We've been able to get together quite a bit," I agreed.

"It won't always be that way, I'm afraid. My job sucks. But as long as we can see each other, we will, I promise. I'd like to guarantee you twice a month, but I can't make that promise. I'll guarantee you once a month, though, and see you more often if I can."




What Was I Thinking? Ch. 05



"Okay." It gave me a warm feeling that he wanted to make me any kind of guarantee.

He yawned. "I don't know about you, but I need to get some sleep. I have to be back on the road tomorrow, and you'll want to get home to your kids." He kissed me. "Good night, Kelly."

"Good night."

He turned away from me, and after a moment I heard him snoring softly. I lay there listening until I fell asleep too.