17 comments/ 88330 views/ 21 favorites View From the Top By: carsonshepherd I don't know when he's coming home or if he'll be alone, but I wait. Won't be long till the bars close. But I swear to myself I won't wait long. Not more than a half hour. It'll take him at least that long to get home. No longer though. Finally he walks up to the door alone, his breath hanging in a cloud on the cold air. For a minute he doesn't see me and I just look at him - what a cocky way he moves. Even when there's nobody watching he walks like he owns the world. And maybe he fucking does. I step out of the shadows and he looks up. Not surprised. He smiles wickedly. Trying to play it off, but I can see in his eyes that he's just as excited by this as I am. He knows what I'm here for. I follow him down the hall and while he unlocks the door I reach around and stroke the bulge in his crotch. It hardens to my touch and when we burst through the door he shoves me against the wall and assaults my mouth with his hard and hungry tongue. There's liquor on my breath but I'm not that drunk - not as drunk as he probably thinks. Neither one of us says a word as he steers me backward toward the bedroom. I stumble but cling desperately to his mouth. I'm addicted to his taste. It undoes me completely. Makes me forget who I think am. Only he can do this to me. Reaching back, he hits the light switch. As our clothes melt off I shiver with anticipation, watching him undress. He's sculpted and perfect. A sexy line of brown hair down his abs and trailing down from his belly button. Sexy gorgeous impeccable bastard. I want him so bad my knees are shaking and my cock is leaking, drooling down my naked hip. I stare at his cock. Fat and thick and sweet. "Get on the bed," he orders harshly. For a second I resent him. Who the fuck does he think he is? Nobody fucking orders me around. But I know who he is and so does he. I do it, because I want him that much. I lie down and stretch out the way he likes it. He gets the belt and loops it around my wrists, pulling my arms slowly over my head. He cinches it around the headboard. The smell of leather makes me so hot. I start shaking all over as he grins down at me, his eyes smugly taking in my naked and exposed body laid out for his pleasure. Smirking, he walks around the bed and checks me out from every angle. I feel exposed and a little humiliated, a little nervous and a lot turned on. Does he like what he sees? What's he going to do? I never know and it makes me crazy with lust. He gets on his knees next to me and runs his index finger down my chest slowly. I shiver. My ribs… my nipples… my armpits, all exposed. And he knows every single one of my weak spots. The smirk on his face gets even wider as he runs his finger lightly down the hard, throbbing length of my cock. He dips his finger in the little pool of juices on my belly and lifts his finger to my lips, letting me taste my essence. I lick his finger greedily and suck it until he pulls it out. He straddles my stomach. His cock is so suckable but it's too far from my face; he laughs when I strain my neck to get at it but can't. He reaches down and tweaks my nipples. I cringe and twist, whimpering my protest because I know what he's about to do now. He circles my nipples with his thumbs until they stand up in hard peaks despite myself. I'm panting now in short breaths. No, don't… He pinches them hard. I scream silently and buck in wild protest, but he has me pinned firmly with his weight and he just laughs. He knows I beg and plead not to have my nipples pinched… he delights in doing it. Pain shoots through me but the pleasure is harsh and electric and frightening as I give in to him completely. While I reel he bends down and takes my arms in his hands. I tremble as he bends and slowly licks a trail down the inside of my upper arm. I squirm and beg. No, not there. But my pleas are always on deaf ears with him. He attacks my armpit, licks and sucks it while I thrash from side to side, stop stop stop. I can't move - can't stop him - he pins me fiercely and twists my nipple with his other hand as he soaks my armpit with his spit and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm totally open to him and I hate it and I love it. Drawing back, he releases me and sits up. His own leaking cock has dripped on my belly and mixed in a puddle with my sticky juice. He smirks down at me. He loves making me a whimpering, drooling idiot begging him for mercy. A determined look comes over his face and he slides back, and I lift my knees eagerly. Even after his torture I know what comes next and I want it more than anything. Please… He shakes his head, snickering. He's got other plans for me tonight, he says. I gasp with excitement as he wiggles forward and plants his knees above my shoulders. His big fat cock is right in my face and I open my mouth eagerly, lifting my head to taste it, I want to suck it - With his palm on my forehead he pushes my head flat to the pillow. Then he moves forward a little more and I find my face buried in his warm ass. It's a little fuzzy and I breathe his scent greedily as he rubs his balls back and forth on my chin. I'm thrilled because he's never let me near his ass before, and God how I've wanted it. I stick out my tongue and lick his lightly haired balls. I fill my mouth with them and suck them hard, rolling them on my tongue while he rotates his hips, riding my face. His gasp of pleasure makes me glow with excitement and spurs me on more. I wish I could use my hands to grip his thighs or his delicious ass but all I have is my tongue. I lick my way up back from his balls and insinuate my tongue into his crack. Slicking back the hairs, I seek out his tight, pink hole. He tries not to moan when I probe it lightly with the tip of my tongue, but he can't hold back a little gasp and I grin when I feel his body jump in pleasure. I make my tongue into a hard point and slide it into his ass, burying my face between his cheeks. I fuck his tight little hole with my tongue like it's a tiny cock while he rides my face, gasping. He lets go of the headboard and clutches my hair, pulling my face up into it to get my tongue even further up his ass. Oh, fuck! All the sudden he pulls away fiercely. I feel hurt and abandoned until I see him grabbing for the lube. He only pauses long enough to snatch a condom from the bowl next to his bed and unroll it over my cock, his hands shaking in his excitement. I catch my breath long enough to grin. Not so tough now, huh? But I'm shaking myself because I realize he's about to give me his ass. I want it so bad but I never thought I'd get a shot at it. Not the way he always is about being a top. He teases me by calling me bottom boy even though he knows he's the only one who ever gets my ass. He leans back, stroking his cock. I can't reach for him bound like this so I can only watch as he slowly lubes himself up. He throws his head back and God he fucking looks gorgeous. I want out of these bonds but I know not to ask. He won't unbelt me. So I just watch panting, it's so fucking hot watching him masturbate. He lets go of his cock, changes hands. I'm so busy watching him wank over my chest I almost miss it when he reaches down, from behind, and slides his finger up his ass. His moans with pleasure and forgets to hide it and all I can do is stare in lustful amazement as I watch him finger-fuck himself. He loses himself in it and forgets to play his little role of the tough guy. He thrusts another finger inside his ass, opening himself for me. My cock jumps and leaks, knowing that's what he's doing. My hands itch to touch him but I can't, goddamn it. His eyes open and they're glazed and wild. A flush has settled on his face and down his neck. His meets my eyes as he slides backward until he's over my hips. He reaches behind him and grabs my throbbing cock. I lie completely still without even breathing, knowing what's coming. We stare at each other as he slowly lowers himself on it. I feel his asshole stretch. God it's so fucking tight. He stops, biting his lip. I twist silently crucified on the head of a pin for an eternal motionless moment until he moves again. He slides down. And down. And down. Through the condom his hole flexes around my swollen and aching cock. "Don't move," he orders roughly. His voice is harsh and raspy from the strain. "You know if you fucking move I'll stop." Long, slow descent to the bottom until he stops. He adjusts to the feeling with his eyes closed. Every muscle in my body is straining and shaking . God I want to thrust. I want to fuck his brains out so hard he sees stars. So hard he can't sit down for a week. Tears slide out the corners of my eyes and down my cheeks. "Oh, yeah," he whispers on a surge of pleasure. Then he starts to move. I almost scream. I know he doesn't like me to make noise but I almost can't hold it back this time, his ass feels so good - he buries me so deep and it's so fucking hot watching him ride my cock. Orgasm is too close. I wanna make this last as long as I can and watch every fucking drop of cum shoot out his cock and splatter my stomach and my chest and maybe even my face. Can't cum yet. But I want to touch him. I need to touch him, I need to grab his hips and hold them while I fuck his ass. I distract myself by thinking about the belt holding my wrists over my head. I can do this. Instead of pulling I wiggle. If you struggle it only makes the knots tighter. And in a minute or so I'm out. My hands are free. He's so lost in the fuck he only opens his eyes for a split-second of surprise when I reach up and grab his ass cheeks firmly in my hands. I urge him to ride me harder until he's all the way off my cock with every backstroke and then sinks in entirely on every lunge. I reach up and wrap one hand around his rock hard and throbbing cock. He slips his hand away and braces it back against my thigh as he moans. I smirk. He never makes sounds. He loves making me scream while he fucks me in silence, asserting his control. And now he's crying out, muffled Mmmphs he tries to bite back but can't. A heavy electric jolt shoots down through my balls and I grasp his ass in both hands and thrust up. I buck hard, filling his ass with every inch of me till he tastes it. He screams wildly as I fuck him, slamming him. I scream. He shouts my name at the top of his lungs. The bed thumps hard against the wall. Holy fuck, he cries out. His asshole clenches around me in a hard and deep rhythm; I stroke harder with my hand, watching his whole body tense. Cum shoots from the tip of his cock and splatters my stomach in creamy puddles that I want to lick lick lick. Yellow sparks suddenly go off behind my eyes and I come harder than ever before - all the nerves in my body erupt, not just my cock. One last hard, hard upward thrust and I spew forth into the condom and then collapse as the aftershocks jolt through my nerve network. Sweat trickles into my eyes and I don't know if it's his or mine. "Holy fuck." He looks down at me, then up at the empty belt hanging where he'd bound my hands. He frowns disapprovingly, but then I squeeze his ass and we both start laughing. "You know what I fucking hate?" he asks as he lights a cigarette, pulling off me to lean against the wall with his knees up. "What's that?" "Someone who fucking tops from the bottom." View From the Top Disclaimer: This story is an account of male/male anal intercourse. "I've had enough," I say when he reaches over, offering to top off my wine glass once again. The dark red bitter Merlot has me warm, but hasn't gone to my head – or so I think. With a sexy grin he nods and says, "Ok, if you say so." I let him take the glass from my hand, finish it off in one swallow and set it down next to his empty glass on the table. He's playful and relaxed, but I wouldn't say drunk; he can handle his alcohol, but lucky for me, it does lower his inhibitions, quite a lot for that matter. Instantly, he's on me as I'm leaned back in the recliner. His long hard body is on mine, and he slides both his hands under each of my shoulders, pulling us together and kisses me hard on the mouth. I groan softly as we kiss, and can feel his unmistakable excitement prodding against my thigh. The hard ridge under his jeans almost hurts as he begins to grind against me. I separate from the kiss and say, "Let's take this in the other room...no room here to get down to business." He moves up off me, and extends his hand to pull me up. As he does, he leans down again and catches my lip between his teeth, sending a hot electric buzz right down my spine. I taste his tongue as he licks across my teeth, and then just as quickly as he does this, he stops and turns, still grasping my hand and leads me to our bedroom. Standing by the bed in the dimly lit room, both of our shirts come off in unison, and both are tossed on the floor carelessly. Again we embrace. The feel of our warm skin connecting makes for an even hotter kiss, and now both of us are grinding our lower bodies together. I'm as hard as he, and need desperately to get out of my pants. "Undress me," I pant as we end our kiss. He quickly begins to undo my fly, and in seconds my jeans and boxers are down around my knees, and I waste no time in kicking them off. My cock juts out and his fingers touch it, wrap around the shaft and give it a nice squeeze before he pushes me back, and I'm down on the bed. I watch him through the dark as he unzips and sheds his jeans, and in seconds he's joined me on the bed. His dick is bigger than mine; sticking out like an angry tool, ready to be used. On all fours, he moves in close and begins biting at my neck and shoulder while one hand roams across my chest, and down my belly. My cock jumps in reflex as his hand slides lower, and automatically my legs part and I bend my knees offering myself to him. He gives my hard on a long single stroke as he continues lower, his fingers trailing over, and then under my balls. His hand now down in the hot crevice beneath my sac, I can't help but mutter a raspy "Oh, fuck me." He bites lightly at my erect nipple and then says, "Not tonight. I have something else in mind." His big fingers stroke across my asshole before he takes his hand away, and moves it back up to my side, rolling me over on top of him. Our dicks mash together between us and I look into his eyes, and ask him what he wants. "I'm ready. I don't want to wait – I want you in me tonight. It's your turn to give me what I've been giving you all this time." He sees the surprised but very excited look on my face and adds, reiterating the fact, "You fuck me tonight, baby. Be the first one in my virgin ass." To myself I think: Are you sure? Are you drunk? I know he's not drunk, but because of his natural inclination as a Top, it's such an unexpected request. Quite true, he's virginal in that sense. I'd dreamed many times of being over him, my body bent over his broad back, fucking myself into him and making him come that way. I say nothing, and just slide down his body and in between his open thighs, and push them up over my shoulders. He knows just what is coming, and wiggles his ass, pushing it closer to my face. I descend and suck onto his asshole, tonguing it with such a heated urgency, shoving my tongue inside that tight forbidden realm, through the muscular ring as it clenches at me, until it can go no further. Fucking in and out of him like that, with waves of lust crashing over me again and again, I don't stop until he squirms and hisses out in an almost submissive way, "Fuck me now. Get up here and fuck me, Curt." Pushing up with my arms on either side of him, I crawl up and feel his raised legs rest on my lower back as he lifts his hips high, pulling us together with his legs. My mouth again connects with his in a deep kiss complete with teeth, and I reach down between us and find his wet asshole with my thumb. I push into that tight ring, easing in up to my knuckle. A heated groan escapes his lips again, and his body presses against my hand, wanting more. His movements make it very clear that he is certain about this, thankfully. It would've been nearly impossible for me to stop now, being so close to feeling myself surrounded by him like I've been in so many fantasies. I withdraw my thumb after wriggling it, twisting it inside him, feeling the slick walls of his ass and being confident that he can take me in. I sit up and lean back on my heels, reaching behind me to the drawer where a tube of lube is kept. It was always him though, that grabbed that tube. I watched him in my mind, seeing him as he'd be above me, slathering his cock with the clear fluid, before he'd push my legs up and make contact with my hole. I spread the lube over my cockhead and halfway down my length and then swiped my greasy fingers across his hole, leaving the excess there on him. "How do you want to be...do you want to turn over?" He says no, that he wants to watch me fuck him. I poise my swollen cock at his pink opening and squeeze it right under the head, making pre cum appear at my slit and quickly drip down onto his skin. Touching it to him, I lean into one of his lifted legs with my forearm and move forward, pushing myself inside his pure body. I hear him suck in a breath sharply as my dick pops through his sphincter, but I keep sliding deeper. I move slow, but wasn't going to stop unless he said for me to; I know how this feels, exactly how this feels from a physical standpoint. I know that the pain he feels initially would be replaced with intense pleasure in a short time. Mentally though, I'm not sure how he feels. Obviously, it's strong enough, his desire to connect with me like this, for it to override any dark shadows in his mind. The ones that have made it take this long before he was willing to submit and be fucked. I wasn't going to question it; we both wanted this to happen. This was consensual and urgent, I wouldn't disappoint him. I feel him open up for me as he takes my cock. I can see him biting into his lower lip as I keep on, not stopping until my balls are resting on his smooth upturned ass. This is when I do hold still, letting my sexy lover adjust and breathe again, letting his tight ass conform to my thick meat. It isn't long before he does. After a moment, staring hard at each other through the darkness, I see him nod and say "Go on, I'm so ready for you. Fuck me now, like I fuck you." My hips jerk back and I slide out halfway, then I thrust in again. He grabs onto my shoulder and digs his nails in; they bite into my skin and spur me on. Out again, I slide back, then in again, feeling the rear bones of his pelvis against my groin as our bodies slap together. I fall into a perfect fuck rhythm right away, and now my thoughts of any pain he might be having are replaced by my indescribable pleasure. It is the most perfect feeling ever...My cock buried nut-deep inside his flesh, and him continuing to pull me in tight with his legs around my waist. So good, so good...I realize I am murmuring it with every stroke. My cock is on fire, the friction and tightness are just too much. I thought that this must feel similar to fucking a heated and lubed-up tiny rubber glove. He humps up against me, his body meeting mine with every stroke now, and my ears are filled with our collective grunts and throaty growls. He curses me, only adding to my passion, saying "Oh, you nasty muthafucker...yeah, yeah! Fuck me like you mean it...fuck me, baby, just...like that...make me yours, all the way." At his words, I'm brought right to the edge. No longer can I hold back, it's too much. He feels too perfect. And as he clamps his asshole tightly around my cock, I feel the burn in my lower belly begin and the churning in my balls as I started coming. I stab into him one last time, and hold my cock there, deeply buried in his guts and pant hoarsely, "Oh, I'm comin'." I halfway hear his 'yeah yeah yeah's' as he encourages my orgasm, but mostly I just hear my pulse pounding inside my head as my bone spits out thick white ropes inside him, painting his ass with my cum. My breath catches in mid-throat until my ejaculate is over. I can't hold myself up any longer, and let my weight rest on him fully. Finally, I breathe again, panting as sweat rolls off my forehead and down my nose, leaving a wet spot in the crook of his neck where my face is rooted. It wasn't until then that I was reminded of his rock hard erection. He moves against me, pushing up into my stomach with it, rolling his hips and letting me know, that now, it was his turn. I loved my view from the top, I couldn't deny...but we both knew I belonged on the bottom. His big hand on my side, he rolls me off of him and snarls, "Oh, that was a good fuck, baby. But you're gonna pay now." I smile up at him lazily, still half-stoned from coming so hard. Those words are music to my ears... View From The Top It was actually quite nice. The flooring and walls were old heart redwood that had aged to a beautiful patina. There wasn't much furniture but what I had there was high quality. It was attractive and looked bigger than it was. I showered quickly and put on jeans and an old sweater. I waved Nara into the bathroom and put some coffee on. The shower was running, the coffeepot was perking, the Miles Davis CD was adding a little mood music … but I was still able to hear the faint scratch of the key in the door. It could only be Ceria, though I really wasn't expecting her. She threw the door open, her face more stormy than the rain outside. "What the hell do you mean, running off and leaving me alone at the dance?" Before I could point out to her that she hadn't been alone when I left, she spotted Nara's wet clothes neatly folded and piled on the floor in front of the bathroom door. "What's this? These aren't my clothes!" Of course, at that moment the shower was turned off – a noise not noted until it's absence. "Who's taking a shower? What's going on here, Eddie?" I hadn't said a word as yet. And I really wasn't sure exactly what was going on. The door to the bathroom opened, the steam roiling out in soft clouds, and Nara stood there in Ceria's robe drying her hair with a towel. My fiancée looked at Nara, at me, at Nara and exploded, "God damn it, Eddie, this is too much. You bastard!" With that Ceria tugged her engagement ring off and threw it at me with an angry glance. Running to the door she threw it open and cast a venomous glance back at Nara … and slammed the door with no small amount of violence. I stared at the door, then at Nara. The entire crazy episode had happened without Nara or I saying a single word. I had this vision of Dante and my (ex?) fiancée kissing on the balcony in the misty moonlight. I picked the ring up off the floor – it really was quite nice … and way more than I could afford – and looking at Nara I asked, "Hey, Nara, do you want a ring?" She looked at me, by turns horrified and astounded. We stood there for a long minute and suddenly I started laughing. Well, at first it was more of a choked giggle but soon I was rolling on the floor and Nara was standing there looking confused and lost. It wasn't that funny, but sometimes, well, I guess I was just stressed out. I finally quieted down and showed Nara how to run the small washer with the equally small dryer stacked on top. While her clothes were washing I poured us each a mug of coffee with a healthy dollop of brandy in it. As I gave it to her, I realized I hadn't really looked closely at her. She was basically really small. She couldn't have been more than five-two. Any taller than that and she probably would have made it over the railing and I'd be talking to the police now. Her damp hair was straggling down her back but looked rich and thick. Her eyebrows were a bit heavy and obviously had never been plucked. She looked to be barely sixteen and I started wondering what kind of trouble I'd got myself into. Hesitantly, I tried, "Nara, you're just a kid. I'd better call the police." With more anger than I expected, she replied, "I'm not a kid! I'm a woman." At once, near tears, and belying the woman part, she pleaded, "Don't call the police. Please, my family … " "What about your family?" She got up to put her clothes in the dryer. When she came back, I got a better look at her. She was startlingly pretty, with her skin a slightly dusky color to go along with her dark brown hair. Her eyes were medium brown with a few tawny streaks thrown in. She looked like a fashion model that had forgotten to grow up. She looked at me, her eyes round and large, doe eyes, and started silently crying. I didn't know what to do. I finally gave up and figured it would be better to sleep on it. I fixed the small sofa up for her to sleep on. It wasn't very long and there was no way was I going to stay awake all night trying to sleep on the sofa when it fit her perfectly. I put my pajamas on in the bathroom – I hadn't slept in them for years and was somewhat surprised that I still had them. I started to turn the light off when Nara asked, "Eddie, please, por favor, leave the light in the bathroom on?" Poor kid. She must be scared to death. NARA'S STORY In the middle of the night I could hear Nara softly crying. My heart went out to her but I didn't know what to do about it. I thought about trying to comfort her but I was concerned about making her more scared than she was now. I fell into a deep sleep and when I woke up Nara was sitting at the small table next to the kitchen. She was dressed in the now clean and dry clothes she had on the night before. She had found the orange juice and was drinking some from a tall glass She saw me looking at her and blushed a little bit and turned her face away. I got up and took my clothes in the bathroom and dressed. When I got back to the kitchen I put some coffee on. While it was perking we didn't talk to each other more than a spare hello. When the coffee was ready I held a cup up towards Nara and she nodded her okay. With coffee in place I sat down and looked at her, making her turn her head away again. "Nara, look at me," I said softly, "You can't just hide from life. You didn't really want to end everything last night, did you?" Looking at me now, with her big round eyes, she whispered, "No, I didn't." "Well, Nara, I think you have three choices. I can call the police, you can call your family or you can talk to me. I'm sure you don't want the police and I suspect that your family is part of the problem so I suggest you tell me your problems and I'll see if there is anything we can work out. Do you agree?" She nodded her acquiescence. "Why don't we have some breakfast first and then we can talk?" I took her to a good breakfast place two blocks away. I went there at least once a week for either breakfast or lunch. I liked to cook my own dinners. I became good friends with the owner, Kendra Allen. She was in her late fifties and when her husband had retired from the San Francisco Police Department she had bought the small restaurant to give her something to do. Her husband, Mike, had retired as an Inspector III – essentially a senior detective. Besides frequently attending retirement parties and playing golf with his buddies from the SFPD, he was off hunting and fishing all the time. The restaurant was only open for breakfast and lunch – from six in the morning until two in the afternoon. I thought it would make her more at ease to be around people and have a chance to get to know me better. I did introduce her to Kendra as a "friend." Kendra looked at me kind of funny since she knew I was engaged and had eaten breakfast there a couple of times with Ceria when she had stayed over. As we ate I told her about the party, going into a lot of details. I told her about seeing Ceria with that Dante guy. I tried to make it sound funny to try to cheer her up a little. "I thought I'd be more upset than I was. I was angry about the way she behaved but driving home I felt relieved more than anything. I never felt close to her family – and I don't get along with her dad at all. Then when she came barging in later last night I was a bit stunned at first. She thought that you, well we … anyway I never got a chance to explain. I was thinking I would have to tell her the engagement was over, and why, but that would have been messy." We went back to the houseboat and I poured myself some more coffee and showed her where the tea was. She was sitting on the small sofa and I took one of the kitchen chairs. "Nara, are you ready to talk to me?" "Yes … Eddie." "I'll start with some questions and we can take it from there. What is your full name? "I'm Dayanara Vegerano, Nara, like I said." "And you are from San Juan?" "How did you know? Well, not San Juan, but Mayagüez. That's a university city on the west coast of Puerto Rico. But, how did you know?" "I was in San Juan last year with Ceria for two weeks at the Condado Plaza – I have a good ear for accents and yours sounded familiar. Do you have family there?" "No … no, Eddie. My dad died several years ago … and my mom, mom, … she died last month." Nora was crying a little now so I gave her a few minutes, refilled my coffee mug. "Do you have anyone else?" I quietly continued. "No, there is no one there. We had a business in a bad part of town. It was a small place that was kind of famous in Mayagüez. We made sangria and sold it only in gallon jugs or people could bring their own bottles. We got some protection because we brought a lot of tourists into the neighborhood and they ate at the local restaurants and bought stuff in the small stores. "When my mom died a man came by and told me I would have to start paying money each month or I wouldn't be safe. My mom knew a man in the police department that had been helping us but I never knew who he was. When mom died a neighbor offered to buy our store so I sold it for twelve thousand dollars." "What about family here? Do you have anyone in San Francisco?" I was guessing where she lived. I knew she had walked to the bridge. "Yes, I have a … brother." She looked scared when she said this and started crying again. I finally had her go in and take a shower, hoping it would settle her down. Later, I finally heard her story. My brother is ten years older than me. He is really my stepbrother – my dad had been married before he married my mom. My brother, Pablo Vegerano, came to San Francisco when he was eighteen. I hadn't seen him since, even when papa died. When I decided to sell the business I called him and asked if I could live with him. I told him I wanted to go to school. He asked if I had any money and I told him about María wanting to buy the business. He told me to come right away and that he would be happy to have his sister live with him. So when I settled everything I flew to San Francisco. It was really nice at first – it's a large apartment in the Mission district and I had my own bedroom. Pablo took my money, " … to put it in the bank for me." Then, two nights ago, I had gone to bed when I woke to some shouting in the living room. I was scared so I opened my door a crack and from what I heard Pablo bought some drugs from this guy to sell. They were stolen from Pablo's car so he didn't have the money to pay the guy back. I saw him give the man the money I had from the store. Then the guy pulled a gun and shouted that he had to have the rest of the money. Pablo quieted him down and asked if he could make some other kind of arrangement. They talked quietly for a few minutes in lower voices that I couldn't hear. Then the man smiled when Pablo told him he would bring me to him the next day. He was giving me to the guy to pay for his drug money! I was really scared and couldn't get back to sleep. I knew I couldn't stay there so early yesterday I left the house around six – I knew that Pablo never got up before eleven or so. I had forty dollars in my purse and took the trolley downtown to get away from the neighborhood. I found a place for breakfast and walked around for several hours. When I was hungry again, I took the cable car to Fisherman's wharf and had lunch. I didn't know what to do or where to go. It was such a terrible feeling. Later I went to a movie and fell asleep. I woke up when everyone was leaving so I left too. It was cold and I didn't have the right clothes. I saw the bridge and just started walking. I didn't have any plans to do anything … it was just like a magnet pulling me. When I got to the top of the bridge I just … well, I gave up. Everything seemed so hopeless. My family was gone and all I had left was Pablo and he, he wanted to give me to that awful guy. I wasn't thinking of dying … it was just that I guess I gave up. I couldn't deal with it. Then you came, and … She started crying again so I sat on the sofa and held her close for a long time. The sobbing gradually stopped and she seemed half asleep. I carried her over to the bed and laid her down to sleep it off. Poor kid. My heart really went out to her. I left her a note and walked over to Kendra's place for a BLT. She used a brand of nice lean, thick smoked bacon for breakfast that made the best BLT sandwiches I'd ever had. "Okay, Eddie, who's the girl you were here with for breakfast?" She knew all about my engagement. I told her Nara's story and of the problems she had, and I could see it upset her. "So she doesn't want to turn her brother over to the police?" "No, and I can't understand that. Yeah, he is all the family she has, but anyone that would sell his sister … I don't know." "Eddie, how about if the police catch him and she has nothing to do with it?" "What do you mean, Kendra?" "I've got an idea. I need to talk to Mike about it. Say, where is this girl staying? Not with you, is she?" Embarrassed now, I answered, "Well, yeah, I guess. I mean I didn't have any choice last night. She wouldn't do anything else and it was late." I went on to tell her about Ceria's visit and how much fun that had been. "Well, Eddie, you've got yourself in a fine pickle. I can't help you with Ceria; that's for sure your problem. But maybe there's something we can do for Nara. You realize she can't continue to stay with you, don't you? And she needs to find a job. Poor girl!" I hadn't thought that far ahead but I had to agree that she couldn't stay with me. I needed to talk to Ceria and see where we stood. I didn't know whether we could patch things up, or even if I wanted to. It was obvious that we wouldn't have a chance to resolve things if Nara was staying on the houseboat. "Kendra, I don't have any idea how I can find an apartment on short notice that she can afford. And as far as a job, man, I have no ideas at all." "Come with me, Eddie. I want to show you something." She led me to the back of the restaurant and up a narrow staircase. It opened into a very small room, probably no more that a hundred square feet. There was one small window at the back and a tiny closet and bath on one side. The bath was barely big enough for me to turn around in, and had a shower. There was no kitchen. It was clean, although dusty. "'I've never used this and I didn't want to rent it out. I'd have to give a key to the restaurant to the tenant and we really don't need the money. I think it would be great for Nara. I'm here a lot of the time and we have a security system. "All you need is a bed and dresser and you can get it at the Salvation Army store down the block. If you give one of the guys a twenty he'll deliver it for you. Why don't you bring her over and take a look at it. You can use the cleaning stuff in the back closet, behind the kitchen." It did look like a good solution. It was close to the houseboat and I knew that Nara would get along with Kendra quite well; she was the motherly type. "That's great, Kendra. I'm sure this will work out great. I still have to work out the job though." "Well, I've been thinking. You know Stephanie, the girl that has been helping me out. She left Friday to move back to Denver with her folks. I guess she is going to go to school in Boulder. "Anyway, I need someone to help me. It's no fun to do it by myself. It would be a bit of everything, from waiting tables and bussing to washing dishes and cleaning the place. I could teach her to do some of the cooking too. We don't do anything very complicated. "I think this would be good for her. I can't pay too much but I could let her have the room upstairs to stay in and she can have all her meals here. At night she can fix her dinner in the restaurant kitchen. If you want to bring her over I can stay for a while. What do you think?" "That sounds great, Kendra. I'll go get her now." I walked back, enjoying the bright sun after the rain of the night before. I found Nara sitting on a bench in front of the houseboat. "Eddie, oh, Eddie. I woke up and you were gone. I came outside to see if I could find you. When I tried to go back in the door was locked! I was kind of scared." "Nara, you didn't see the note I left?" Sheepishly, she shook her head no. I told her about my discussion with Kendra and she was excited. We went in my car back over to the restaurant so she could look at the room and talk to Kendra. Kendra surprised me when she told me, "Go on and look at the furniture. Nara and I can talk better without you here." I guess she wanted to make sure that Nara understood that I was engaged and remind her of the sly ways of even an old man of thirty. I smiled a bit at Kendra; she really was a mother hen. I ignored the advice about the Salvation Army and went to the same place I brought my own furniture. I told the girl that had waited on me before what I needed and that it had to be delivered that afternoon. She showed me a few things and we found a day bed with two large storage drawers under it, a dresser from the same set and a comfortable stuffed chair that was both a rocker and a recliner. She had all the linen stuff I'd need plus a throw rug we figured out would fit. I also got a large mirror to put on the wall. The woman that was helping me out said that would make the room look larger. I went back to the restaurant with the promise that everything would be delivered within the hour. I figured I could help Nara clean up and get everything in place. For a few days until I could get a phone in, she would have to use the phone downstairs. When I got back to the restaurant they were sitting, drinking coffee and talking. They had jumped in and cleaned the room and Kendra had told her what all she would be doing. When I walked in, Nara blushed, and I guessed that they had been talking about me. "Did you get the furniture, Eddie?" "Yeah, it should be here in a few minutes. I'll have to take her to get some clothes and bathroom stuff." "Eddie, give me your credit card and I'll take care of that. You don't know the first thing about buying clothes for a girl. You stay here and get the furniture in. We will meet you back at the houseboat and you can take us to Scoma's for dinner. Mike is at some wedding in the City so I might as well have some fun." Well, I hadn't thought all that through. With a sigh of relief I said goodbye to them and waited for the delivery truck. Kendra had given us both a key and showed us how to use the security system. The truck came a few minutes later so I showed them where to put everything. They weren't too happy about the stairs but I just shrugged. I had a toolkit in my car so I put the mirror up. The room was a bit cramped but it looked much nicer. What made it all work was the rug; it kind of pulled everything together. I'd spent more than I'd planned but it made a world of difference to the room. I went back to the houseboat, showered, shaved and got dressed to await the evening pleasure … at my expense, of course. I didn't mind though; Kendra stepping in had saved me a lot of time and heartache trying to get things to work. When they got back I couldn't believe the difference in how Nara looked. They had stopped back at her new apartment to leave the packages and for Nara to get ready. I had seen how pretty she was, but dressed in new clothes – and with an obvious stop at a salon to get her hair fixed after the rain - she was stunningly beautiful. She was wearing a simple black sheath dress that showed she was indeed small … but with all the right curves that women have that differentiate them from girls. I tended to use the term girl and woman somewhat indiscriminately but clearly that was inappropriate here. View From The Top Kendra laughed at me – with a bit of sarcasm, I think, "I guess you don't mind the six hundred dollars we spent?" Six hundred! Jeez, along with the money from the furniture store I was making a real investment here. Nara threw her arms around me and gave me a close hug – yep, all woman! – and murmured, "Oh, Eddie! Thanks so much for everything. The apartment is precious and the clothes. I've never had anything this nice." With another squeeze, she stepped back, blushing now. I don't think she had realized how tightly she was holding me. Kendra winked at me making me feel like a dirty old man. Well, hell, I wasn't that old. We went to Scoma's and had one of their usual, delicious meals. We had a basket of calamari and grilled Petrale sole with some of their wonderful sourdough French bread. Kendra and I split a nice bottle of Gewürztraminer. My thirty years and Nara's not being able to drink any of the wine made me realize again just how young she was. And how old I was by comparison. Maybe I was an old man. But, dammit, I wasn't a dirty old man. Was I? We were driving back to drop Nara off and then return Kendra to her car. I walked in with Nara to make sure she got the security code right and to walk her upstairs. "Eddie, you have done so much for me. It's so nice." With this she kissed me on the cheek and then backed away, a blush slowly spreading up her neck to her face. "I'll pay everything back, I promise." "Don't worry about it, Nara. Are you sure you are going to be okay?" She nodded and I gave her one of my business cards with my phone number on it. "Call me if you have any problems, okay?" I drove on to my parking lot, let Kendra off and went on in to my houseboat. It had never seemed empty before but it did now. It was amazing to me how such a small girl – sorry, woman – could so fill up my home. I found a message to call Ceria, so I thought I'd better call her back and get it over with. I phoned right away, knowing that if I didn't it would get harder and harder. "Eddie, I'm sorry about how I acted, but I went crazy when I saw a girl in your place!" I mentally corrected that to "woman," and asked her how she was doing. She didn't buy my evasion, and asked, "Eddie, who was that girl?" I hadn't wanted to get into everything and I particularly didn't want to get Nara's story out – I felt she was still in some danger. "Ceria, she is just a friend that is going through some problems. She isn't here anymore. You just have to trust me that I've been faithful to you … just like you have been faithful to me." I added the last with a bit of an edge to my voice but I think it was wasted. "Well," there was a long pause, "Why don't I come over tomorrow night. We can talk and go to Scoma's for dinner. I haven't been there for such a long time." Great! I can have some more of that great petrale and sourdough bread! I didn't think it was such a great idea but we did need to talk. "Okay, Ceri, come over about six. We can eat and then come back and talk. I went on to bed thinking about how my life had changed so much, so fast. I thought about Ceria and Dante. I didn't really know if they had done anymore than kiss but I wasn't thinking it made any difference. I sure wasn't one to share a woman and, yeah, we weren't married yet, and yeah, maybe they really hadn't done anything, but I felt an emotional distancing taking place between us. I saw it as a matter of trust and respect. There had been too many instances of both Ceria and her father showing me in subtle and not so subtle ways that I didn't really command their respect. I assumed it was because I wasn't rich. Strangely enough, at least to me, her mom loved me. But the episode with Dante – even though she didn't know that I'd seen them – was an order of magnitude worse. That made it … personal. Well, I'd wait and see what the next day had for me. I usually went to breakfast at Kendra's early – with everything going on I'd gotten behind in my work. I had a manuscript in final edit and I needed to give the publisher some feedback on my editor's final suggested changes. About two in the morning the phone rang. I answered to the sound of silence. Trying to guess whether it was Ceri or Nara I listened for a minute and taking a chance, "Nara?" With a sigh she replied, "I'm sorry for calling you. I tried not to." "Are you okay, Nara?" "Yes, I guess so. I heard noises but when I came downstairs it was just the refrigerator. I'm sorry for bothering you. I was just … scared I guess." Poor kid. "Do you want me to come over?" "Yes, Eddie, I do. But don't come. I'll be all right. I'm just lonely and scared a little." I talked her for about fifteen minutes until I heard her voice getting sleepy. "Goodnight, Nara. I'll come over for breakfast." "Goodnight, Eddie. And … thanks!" It took a while to get back to sleep but when I did I slept straight through. Nara was waiting for me with a big smile, jeans, a white sweater and an apron. The smile wasn't the only new thing. If I hadn't seen her in that black sheath dress the night before I'd swear she was sixteen. She looked so fresh and perky. "Good morning, Sir. What would you like for breakfast?" Pushing away those lecherous thoughts about saying, "You," I answered, "Oh, my usual I guess. Just tell Kendra I'm here." I was the only customer so Kendra brought out my food and sat down, waving for Nara to join us. "She's gonna work out real well, Eddie. She's smart and way too polite." Nara blushed prettily at this, sipping on her coffee. "Do you know, Eddie, that when you gave me the coffee that night it was the first time I'd ever had it before? This is good but yours was better, somehow." I guess she didn't see me put the brandy in. She continued, "Eddie, I hate to ask this, but until I get paid I don't have any money. I need some, well, personal stuff, and … oh, Eddie, I promise I'll pay everything back." Embarrassed, feeling I knew more than I should; I slipped her a couple of twenties. "I'll be busy tonight so I'll stop by sometime tomorrow." For some reason I didn't feel comfortable talking to Nara about Ceria. Kendra gave me a knowing smirk and said, "Yeah, I just bet you will be." Obviously she was remembering what I'd told her about Ceria and her visit. I lingered over my coffee but, when a couple of customers came in and both Kendra and Nara got up, I figured it was time to go. I waved them a goodbye. I spent the day wrapping up some administrative stuff. I went to the bank and deposited several checks, emailed my final comments on my most recent novel, "Vanquished Love," to the publisher and gave my agent, Jerry Cantfield, a call. "Hey, Eddie. I was just getting ready to call you. I've got some interest in the civil war stuff in New Mexico you have been working on." "That's great, Jerry. I think I've got it lined out for a great book. This ties together a lot of previous research and will be valuable to other scholars interested in how those two battles destroyed the South's hopes for winning the West." "Uh, Eddie. I have a contract for a novel. There's twenty grand up front and since I know you don't need the cash, I've worked out a nice royalty deal. They are looking for a serious novel. They mentioned Edna Ferber's, "Cimarron" as an example of what they were looking for." What the hell was he talking about? My serious writing is non-fiction. Everything else is this silly romance stuff. "Eddie, you there? Listen, I'll send you my notes. But I have to tell you, they are looking for a quick commitment on this. They know about your Romance novels and like your writing style. I showed them the stuff you sent me on your research on those battles in New Mexico, what were they? Oh, yeah. 'Valverde,' and 'Glorieta Pass.' How soon can you get back to me, Eddie?" Thinking fast, and making a quick change in my writing direction – I was tired of writing Romance novels – I asked him, "Jerry, how soon can they send me a check?" I wrapped up the discussion and as I thought about it I started getting excited. I'd never thought about writing something like this but I knew I could do it and do a good job. Ideas were running through my head in a steady stream. I sat down at the computer and started making notes. I saw the basic storyline as being about two brothers from Texas that fall in love with the same girl. She can't decide between them and the younger brother moves to Colorado to work on a ranch. They eventually meet on the battlefield. One of them lives to return to Texas and claim the girl. I figured I could tie in some of my "romance" expertise with a serious novel. I knew how I wanted to end it but I wasn't even going to write that down. Focused on the story as I was, I didn't hear the soft knock at the door at first. When I did hear the follow-on tap on the doo,r I was irritated more than anything else. I knew from experience that out of my first, free flowing ideas, my best writing came. Opening the door to shoo away the expected solicitor as I pointed to the large "No Soliciting" sign, I was shocked to see Ceria standing there. Muttering a hopefully unheard, "Oh, shit!" I opened the door and somewhat ungraciously waved her in. "I'm sorry, Ceri. I got wrapped up in a new story and I forgot the time. Can you give me a minute? I need to take a quick shower." Looking a bit delicious, she stepped up and gave me a steamy kiss, her tongue searching out the story of my life. "Eddie, baby, do you want me to wash your back?" We'd done that many times, shared the shower, that is, but I didn't want to go that way. I really did want to have a serious discussion of our future. "Just give me a minute, Ceria. I'll be right out." I rarely locked the bathroom door but this time I did. When we got to the restaurant, the waiter, a guy that knew me well, gave me a knowing wink and a big smile and led me to the table. "What was that all about?" Ceri asked. "Uh, I guess he just wanted a big tip. Why don't you go ahead and order." When the waiter came back, Ceria, of course … it was inevitable, asked the waiter, "Why don't we start with a basket of the calamari and some grilled Petrale sole for the entrée. Oh, bring us a basket of your great bread and a bottle of the Bouchaine Chard. It goes so well with the petrale. Great! The whole meal had a sense of déjà vu about it. I picked at the food, my heart not really in it. I was able to pretty much go through another bottle of the Chardonnay. Great stuff! Ceria kept trying to talk about us but I wasn't all that sure there was even an us anymore. "Wait until we get back to my place. I've got a new bottle of cognac that you will like." She should; her dad gave it to me. We got back and Ceri made some cappuccino with the fancy machine she had given me for Christmas but was way too complicated for me to understand, and I poured the brandy. Ceria opened with a salute, "To us!" Damn. I reasoned that I might as well jump right in. "Ceri, I'm not sure where we are anymore." "Oh, has that floozy been here again?" I sure didn't want to get into that. "No, Ceri. This has nothing to do with anything but you, me … and Dante." "Dante! What the hell are you talking about?" "Ceria, at the party the other night, the special Valentine's party, that night I wanted to stay home and share our love. That night I saw you on the balcony with Dante, giving him a kiss that should only have been given to me." "Oh, Eddie! Is that what this is about? Dante doesn't mean anything to me. It was just a kiss, after all." "Well, Ceri, I watched that kiss. I saw how his hand slide down to your butt like it was home plate. I saw a kiss that spoke of a previous familiarity between you." Well, it all came out then. Before I had met her she'd had a torrid affair with Dante that led to his divorce. Her dad had to get involved because it almost lost him one of his best customers in New York. "But, Eddie, it didn't mean anything. I wasn't going to sleep with him or anything." "You know, Ceri, I actually believe you. I really don't think you are low enough to do that to me. But you shared with him an intimacy that should only be shared with me. I've had too much disrespect from you and your dad. I know both of you think what I write is 'not appropriate work' for a grown man, and that your dad particularly doesn't feel that I have enough money for you." "Oh, honey, you shouldn't feel that way." "Ceri, something I wrote in one of my stories and that I think makes a lot of sense, is that 'Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are.' And that is exactly how I feel so please don't denigrate my feelings." We talked it over for a couple hours with me drinking more of the cognac than was good for me. At least I guessed that was why I woke up with Ceria's arm draped over my chest. Ceria wanted to go to Kendra's place for breakfast. After some more discussion I convinced her to have some of my special Belgian Waffles. Damn, if she found out how much I had spent on Nara … We finally agreed to kinda stay engaged but kinda not. That sounded ambivalent but I guess that's the way we were. She took the ring back but didn't put it on. Yeah, ambivalent. She did promise not to see Dante again. Several days passed while I was really busy on ideas for my new novel. I was getting excited about it – excited in the way I never was with the romance stuff. I saw Nara a couple of times, mostly when I would stop by for coffee. She seemed to really be blossoming with the responsibility of her job. When the summer session started at the College of Marin in Kentfield, I helped her sign up and showed her how to take Marin County Transit to school. This was becoming way above and beyond mere friendship. A few months after the Valentine's Day excitement, Kendra's husband, Mike showed up at my door. As soon as I opened the door I knew I could kiss off the six-pack of Sam Adams I'd been saving. Mike was a big man – he made me feel like the circus midget. I'd gone fishing with him a couple of times … no one had told me that he measured fishing success in the number of empty cans, not the number of fish. He had a prodigious appetite for beer. He jumped right in (after I'd open him a bottle of beer), "About this mess of yours." My mess? "Based on the info you gave Kendra, I asked some buddies to put a stakeout on the house where this brother of Dayanara's lives." He obviously ate at the restaurant regularly and probably knew Nara as well as I did.) "I'm keeping her out of it but I understand they have identified the distributor. I just want you to know there is no way to keep Pablo from getting caught up in the net. He will probably go down for ten to twenty." From what I had heard about him, they couldn't do enough bad things to him to make me unhappy. "They are just watching to see who else shows up that they can tie into their network. I know you didn't want this to come back to her – she will not be involved in any way. When, and if, she reads about it in the Chronicle, all she will see is that a scummy drug dealer was busted." We shot the shit for a couple of hours while he polished off my San Adams. I was trying to slowly sip on some nice single malt bourbon but I was more than a tad woozy when I went to bed. We parted with a promise to go fishing again as soon as we could. Several months later it all came down and Pablo, et al were arrested. It was a front-page splash in the Chron, but as far as I knew, Nara never read the paper. I wasn't about to say anything. I was floating through this really strange period. I was working on my new novel with a great deal of gusto, seeing Ceria more regularly than I wanted, and seeing Nara less often than I would like to. She was a fixture at the restaurant and doing great with school. Every other week or so I would take her somewhere – I don't really know if she thought they were dates, but I thought of them as such. A typical day was when I took her to Muir Woods and on up to the top of Mount Tam. She was awed with the huge trees of Muir Woods and stunned with the incredible view from the summit of Mount Tamalpais. On a really clear day like this we could see the snow-laden peaks of the Sierra Nevada. The drive up was a long switchback towards the ocean and an equally long switchback towards the bay. It was almost twenty-six hundred feet high and still chilly in the late April breeze. She stood next to me and leaned into me in awe as she looked at the different vistas. Feeling her against me destroyed all kinds of vows. I'd made numerous promises to myself and Kendra to give Nara space and time to grow up. But the feel of her ripe body leaning against me was more than my will power could withstand. She was turning to look at San Francisco and turned right into my arms and lips. It was a long and serious kiss – passion exploded like a fire between us. I was the one to finally pull back. She buried her head against my chest as I stared at the view, now blurred with tears and less majestic than the wonder of Nara's kiss. We avoided looking at each other as we made our way back to the parking lot and the long, slow drive back to her apartment atop the restaurant. When she got out – jumping out quickly before I could get out and open the door for her as I usually did – she gave me a smoky look with her dark brown eyes that melted my heart. We both knew that something had forever changed between us. I was continuing on, more halfheartedly than not, with Ceria. She stayed over once in a while. I was in the weird period of stasis … I knew we weren't going to wind up together but I didn't have the energy to make a clean break. I had these strong feelings for Nara but I kept thinking I was too old for her. After the intensity of the kiss on Mount Tam, we both backed off a little. I liked to think I was showing my maturity and she was just plain scared … she had never felt anything that intense before. I was really impressed with the way she took her debts seriously. She didn't make a lot but every week when she got paid she left a check on my mailbox for one third of what she made after taxes. I never got around to cashing them but that didn't deter her. She tried to give another third to Kendra for rent but she wasn't as nice as I was – she just flat refused to take the money. Nara wasn't comfortable with that so she started putting another third of her salary in a savings account to give to Kendra some day when she wasn't so stubborn. One night around nine there was a knock on my door. When I opened it, I saw Nara standing there, crying. She ran into my arms and held me tight – crying on the verge of being hysterical. I finally got out of her that she had been watching the news at the student union at the community college and saw the news about the trial of her brother. He had wound up with twelve years but what really upset her was that he would be at San Quentin, just a few miles away. We sat on the small sofa and I comforted her as best I could. I was holding her tight as the sobbing gradually subsided. Everything was going fine until she looked up at me and with no transition we were kissing. There was an air of desperation about her and I had her sweatshirt off and my hand under her bra before I came to my senses. I just held her as she started crying again, softly now. She fell asleep in my arms. I gently lay her down and covered her with a quilt. I went on to bed with very mixed feelings – the strongest of which was that I realized that I was more than a little in love with Nara. View From The Top I eased into a deep and dreamless sleep and woke up only when I heard Nara's screech, "Ohmygod I'm late!" And saw her running into the bathroom. Later, when I went over to the restaurant for lunch, Kendra gave me a really dirty look. I have to confess that I slinked out of there as soon as I could. While my personal life was drifting from what seemed tragedy to tragedy, my professional life was going great. In late August I sent in the first draft of my novel. I was using "For the Love of My Brother" as the working title. Feeling like a celebration, I called Nara and invited her for a picnic the following Monday – the day the restaurant was closed. She had a morning class so I picked her up in I've always thought this was one of the great wonders of America. The beach was thirteen miles long and only had ingress at each end. The beach itself was very wide and generally deserted after going no more than a half-mile from the parking lot at either end of the beach. We parked and walked in about a mile and set up our picnic. I had worn my swimsuit so I walked on down to the beach while Nara changed. I had enough foresight to bring some suntan lotion. I asked her to put some on my back and then I put some on hers. Her skin was such a creamy softness it was borderline erotic just to touch it. We walked on down to the water and … well, we played for about an hour. We ran in and out of the surf, we chased each other, we looked for shells … we had fun. It was the happiest I could remember being in my life. Nara was laughing almost constantly and seemed to be having a lot of fun. We stopped and ate the picnic lunch I'd prepared with a nice bottle of Gewürztraminer with it. Yeah, I know she wasn't twenty-one, but she had turned nineteen a few weeks earlier. Truth be told, I hadn't even thought about her age when I put the wine in the basket. The lunch was great and we were both happy. I left Nara to clean up and I walked down the beach a way to pick up a piece of driftwood I'd seen earlier. I thought it would look nice on her dresser. When I walked around the large rock that protected our picnic spot I caught Nara in the middle of changing her clothes. She had just taken her suit off and was leaning over to pick up her jeans and tee shirt. I was expecting anything but this. The sun lowering over the ocean cast a long shadow of my body and it was this change of light that alerted her. I was transfixed and staring at her lovely body. She slowly stood and faced me … her skin turning a shade of red that wasn't from the sun. Her face was slowly transformed with a sultry look I'd never seen on her or any other woman. Her eyes turned a smoky brown and she stood there, staring back at me, proud in her innocence but with the wisdom of all women in her eyes. She didn't move as I slowly advanced, entranced … enchanted with this vision. We came together is a slow kiss and gently slid down to the beach towel. There was a magic to it that I'd never felt with Ceria. I came to a sudden understanding of what real love – in all its manifestations – was about. We were gentle with each other; we were in turns almost violent. Later we gathered up the stuff and walked slowly back to the car, each lost in our own thoughts but feeling a connection that we'd never had before. We started driving back and just before we got to 101 Nara almost idly asked – as she gazed out the window looking at I knew not what – she asked in that gentle voice of hers, "Are you still engaged to Ceria?" I almost ran off the road with the … sheer unexpectedness of the question. Yes, I had been somewhat remiss in not formally breaking it off with Ceri – but I at least had known it was over for some time. Ceria was still fighting it but I had assumed she knew it was a lost cause. While I was thinking all this, I wasn't answering Nara. Then it was too late. There was this sudden immeasurable space between us, this gulf, this chasm that separated us. I knew I had totally screwed up but in typical male fashion wasn't exactly sure of what had happened. When I stopped to let her out, she shot me a quick look full of emotions a man couldn't begin to understand and merely nodded as my life ended. I got home and poured a hefty snifter of scotch. Thinking like a writer, analyzing myself, I held the glass up to the light. The color was almost ethereal, this amber glow catching the lights in fluid reflections as I swirled the glass. I knew I had done two things that day. One so stupid I could not even lay the blame on myself. The other so wonderful, so magical I knew I could waste my life searching for a moment of an equal coming together of body and soul. I had to call Ceri right away so that I could go to Nara and set things straight. I was sure of my love now; I had no hesitation. On one hand I had this fear that I had lost a jewel of value above all others; on the other I knew that I had found a love of a depth that could only be described with words poetic. I called Ceria … and she wasn't home. I left a message that sounded desperate even to me. "Please call me back right away. Something has happened and I know that we can't be together. I should have said something earlier but … oh, hell! Call me back right away." LOST, AND FOUND I slept late the next morning – enough scotch will do that to you. I'd planned on going over to the restaurant when they opened. No big deal, I could go over for lunch. A little after ten my agent called and said we had to meet with the publisher right away. "He's ecstatic with the way the book is looking. He wants to have lunch today to talk about some ideas he has for promotion and some signing events." "Jerry, I can't make it today. I've got something really important to do." "Eddie, Eddie, this is the only day he has. He flew in to sign some contracts in Palo Alto this morning and wants lunch with you. If you don't show up I don't know what he'll do." With more than a little resignation I hung up the phone. I picked it up again and called the restaurant. Kendra answered and with some degree of venom in her voice, said, "She's busy right now. Why don't you try some other time?" Ouch! Okay, I'd fix it later. Lunch turned into drinks turned into dinner. "For the Love of My Brother" was thought to be a great title and success was on the way. I slept late again the next morning and straggled over to Kendra's just before she closed. She opened the door with an icy contempt. "Nara's gone! I hope you're happy!" "Wha … what do you mean she's gone?" I was suddenly feeling that same icy contempt for myself. "Ceria came over at lunchtime yesterday. When I left they were still talking. When I came in this morning I found a stack of twenties that probably is exactly what she felt she owed me for renting the room. She left a note that said she loved me and was sorry she had to leave this way. She left a note for you. And, Eddie, I've always liked you but please find a new place to eat!" Well, she couldn't make me feel any worse than I already did. As soon as I was safely in my nest I read Nara's note. Dear Beloved Eddie, It is with a sad and broken heart I write this note. When I gave myself to you I thought you loved me the same as I loved, and still love, you. It was such a time of joy for me. On the way home this thought came into my mind, unasked. I hate myself for even thinking it and dearly wish I hadn't. This image of Ceria throwing her ring at you came to me in a flash … and this awful thought – dare I even think it, let alone ask it? Had you broken off with Ceria, finally, completely? I didn't have to ask. I knew of the depth of your love when we came together on that beautiful beach. I shall forever keep that memory. I knew you would laugh and call me silly and I would snuggle up and live a life like Cinderella with a love I could treasure always. When you didn't answer, I knew. I knew, Eddie! You lied to me. No, not with words but with your body. You took something wonderful from me, something precious. You took something that I intended for the one. I thought that was you, Eddie. Then you took my heart and crushed it with your silence when I asked that stupid question. Eddie, I will always love you … but right now, right now, Eddie, I hate you! Please don't look for me – I've gone where you will never find me. Yours forever but never, Dayanara I cried over the letter – and hated myself. I tried to think where she might have gone. Later, when I was more rational, I called Ceria. "I understand you had lunch with Nara yesterday." I was trembling, trying to control myself. She might have some idea where my love had gone. "Yes, she is the most darling little girl. We had a nice talk and I told her we were going to be married on Valentine's Day. Don't you think that's romantic, Eddie?" "Ceria," I very carefully, almost gently asked, "Ceria, did she say where she was going?" "No, I made sure the poor thing understood she wasn't wanted here and suggested she disappear. I tried to give her some money but the fool threw it in my face. She just wasn't of our class, darling." I gently placed the handset back on the phone. I felt such a crass hatred towards Ceria that if she magically appeared at that moment I would happily, with great joy, crush her into nothingness. I talked to Kendra. At first she didn't want to talk to me but when I started crying out of frustration, she hugged me and said she hadn't heard anything. I went to see Pablo at San Quentin. It took me a week to get permission. I finally saw him and asked if he knew where Nara was. He gave me that thousand-yard prison stare, and answered, "That damned bitch got me into trouble, I'm sure of that. No, I don't know where she is and if I did I wouldn't tell you." I gave him my own thousand-yard stare and in a dead voice, replied, "If I ever see you again, if you ever go near Nara again, I will kill you. Think about that every day you are here. Think about that every day the rest of your life." This was said with an implacable coldness. As I stared at him he turned away, fear shadowing his face and I left. I tried everything over the next six months. I hired a private detective. I had Mike, through one of his SFPD friends, inquire of the Mayagüez police department … nothing. I lost my appetite for my writing. I couldn't start anything new. "For the Love of My Brother" was a top ten bestseller and I could care less. Oh, I went through the motions. I did the book signing junkets and listened to Jerry when he asked me what I was going to do next. I drifted; I cared for nothing. I'd stopped running and was putting on weight. My skin was turning a pasty color and I was drinking way too much. It got so bad that when I'd go to Kendra's place she'd just shake her head with tears in her eyes. I was close to giving up … without consciously thinking about what that meant when I had my epiphany. An old friend had begged me to come down to Sunnyvale for the baptism of his first son. I tried to find a way not to go but he wouldn't hear of it. He had helped me a lot years ago so I finally accepted the inevitable and drove down. He didn't say anything but he was clearly shocked at my appearance. After the baptism we went for lunch at a Spanish restaurant in Mountain View, the neighboring city. To save money he had ordered a quantity of tapas, the famed Spanish appetizers. Knowing the wines were very expensive he had ordered pitchers of Sangria at each table. I was pouring my second glass of the sangria when it hit me. That's what Nara's family had made in Mayagüez! I knew it was a slim chance at best but it was the only lead I had. I slipped out and called my travel agent and asked her to set me up for a flight to San Juan the next day and to rent me a car. As soon as I reasonably could I slipped out and drove home. I called Kendra and told her what I was doing. Her response was, "Please bring our girl home!" The flight was an anticlimax. I was totally keyed up and the flight was totally boring. I changed planes in Miami for San Juan. Luggage was quick and my car was ready. I'd reserved a room at the nicer hotel in Mayagüez. It was late when I checked in so I had a light dinner and a couple drinks. I slept poorly that night finally falling into a deep sleep shortly before dawn. I slept well then; subconsciously knowing I couldn't do anything until the afternoon. When I woke I had a quick lunch and asked the concierge where I could find the famous "Sangria Place." He gave me the directions with the usual warnings, " … that's not the best part of town so be careful." Armed with a picture of Nara I'd taken on Mount Tam, I took a cab that let me off right in front of the door of the place – the concierge at the hotel suggested that I shouldn't take my car to that part of town. I walked in not really expecting to see my love and of course, she wasn't there. They were now serving the sangria in plastic cups in addition to the big jugs or the "bring your own bottle" approach. I got a cup and walked around a bit, savoring the characteristic fruity/winy tang of the sangria. I was trying to get up enough nerve to talk to the large woman waddling around – the one who was clearly in charge and who was always politely referred to as María. The problem was her response was either heaven or hell to me. I couldn't face failure! Finally, gathering myself and taking out the picture I approached her. "Señora, por favor." I showed her the picture, my need showing in my face, in my very being. She studied the picture, a smile coming slowly to her face. Clearly, she was looking at one she loved. She looked at me, long and hard, searching for something. Looking in my eyes, looking for … truth? She finally asked me, "Are you Eddie?" I hesitantly nodded, not knowing what it meant to her. She grabbed me, seemingly trying to squeeze the life out of my body, "Eddie, Eddie, you came! You finally came." She drew me a map. She and Nara had a restaurant down the coast about thirty miles, just where the island takes a turn back to the east. María had put up the money and Nara ran it. "Hijito, it is more than a partnership, she is like a daughter to me. Go to her! You will find happiness but you will find so much more! With a final death defying hug, she bid me, "farewell and bueña suerte." I took a taxi back to my hotel and drove to the small town of Pedernales down the coast. I stopped in the parking lot at the restaurant and walked inside, anxiously looking for Nara. The woman came to me, a question in her eyes, "Was I to eat with them that night?" I showed her the picture, and stammering, asked for Nara. She pointed across the road to the beach where a woman sat on a blanket staring west into the setting sun. "Every day, señor, at sunset she sits there, and looks into the dying sun, searching for her lost love. It is you, I think, that she looks for. Go to her, put the smile back on her face, señor. I slowly walked out the door, abstractly checking the traffic – to die now would be insanity! – and walked towards the woman sitting on the blanket. As I came closer I saw a smaller shape lying on the blanket next to her. I come closer, slowly, hesitantly, making no noise in the soft sand. Yet, yet there was a quick alertness about her. A stiffening of the body, a sharpening of her outline in the dying embers of the sun. She slowly started rising, turning as she did, turning and looking at me. Appearing as in a trance she started walking, step by step, as I stopped and awaited her. Her body lost shape, became ethereal as the tears clouded my vision … until she was there and reached out … and touched my cheek – mystery and knowing in her dark brown eyes. "Eddie, Eddie, you came. You came for us." Us? I looked down at the small, now wriggling form on the blanket. "Yes, us Eddie. We waited, little Eddie and I. We sat here every night when we could, watching the sun slipping into the ocean here but burning brightly for you in California. We waited and my hopes, my prayers faltered … but you are here." She came into my arms, softly at first then with an almost overwhelming passion, stilled only by the wailing demands of my son. THE PARTY I'd sold the houseboat in Sausalito and purchased a house in Dry Creek Valley, west of Healdsburg. It was an older ranch house and came with ten acres of old vine Zinfandel and a contract with a local winery to manage the vineyard and buy the grapes. Early that morning, on Valentine's Day, we had been married and we drove the two hours to the Spanish Restaurant on Castro Street in Mountain View for the reception dinner. I'd ordered tapas and pitchers of sangria, not to save money – I was writing again, and writing well – but for the showing me the way to find my love. I drank the sangria that day – a toast for my love and my family – and did the same on all of our anniversaries since and all to come. Nara taught me how to make it properly and we became known throughout the wine country as the place to go for really good sangria. We would often drive down to the parking area and walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. The first time, Nara was a bit nervous but as her heart was captivated by the view, she came to love it as much as I did. I often look back on those early days of our love … the pain of loss had faded away, written over with the years of joy. The finest memory of my life was those beautiful stolen hours on the beach at Point Reyes. I did the right thing in the wrong way.