9 comments/ 51183 views/ 60 favorites Josh's Journal By: kitten2010 I used to keep journals, when I was a kid, but I stopped for a while. I never really liked it, I guess. I'm pretty sure my mom was reading it anyway, so it wasn't really a good place for my deepest, darkest secrets. It was just something that some parenting book my mom read suggested I do after my dad ran out on us. Now seems like a good time to start again. I'm a senior in high school now and basically this is my peak. Maybe it sounds a bit pessimistic, but I'm not stupid. I know that no one from this shit town ever becomes anything. Even the smart ones go to college and then end up back here. Iola, Texas: It sucks you in and it keeps you. We should put that on a billboard. I'm a football player for a team whose only claim to fame is having the longest losing streak in the district. The town has high hopes for me. I hit a growth spurt and now I'm six foot two, the tallest guy on the team. I bulked up over the summer from both work outs and manual labor around town. The coaches noticed and as I write this I'm on a long as hell bus ride to a training camp on a college campus. Not exactly how I'd planned on spending my eighteenth birthday. It's not so bad though, the cheerleaders are with us. Coincidentally, there's a workshop for them on the same campus. The cheerleaders are definitely paying more attention to me than before. I'm alright looking, I guess. I have blonde hair that I keep cut fairly short, but I let it grow a little more than I normally do so it curls at the tops of my ears. What they like, though, is my green eyes. The only good thing my dad ever gave me. But still, I'm just an average guy. Around here, that's good enough though. I'm not sure if I'm going to take advantage of my popularity with the ladies. The cheerleaders are all attractive, just none of them really catch my attention. They're all kind of bitchy and none of them are pretty enough to make putting up with that worth it. Wow, that last part made me sound like a douche bag. ::::::::::::::::::::: Checking into the hotel was hell, especially since all the cheerleaders wanted to play like they were delicate flowers and needed my help in particular with their luggage. I kinda got tired of their high pitched squeals. They poked out their butts in their little short shorts and called for me, "Josh! Josh!" I'd look at them. "Help me with this, please? I just have so much stuff!" Then they'd giggle. It's really annoying and I don't see why girls think that's attractive. The room is really nice. Like really nice. The bathrooms have Jacuzzi bathtubs. They don't have stuff like that back home. My roommate hasn't arrived yet, I wonder if maybe I'll end up getting this room to myself. I already claimed the bed closest to the door, just in case. :::::::::::::::::::: Well, looks like I'm sharing a room after all. As it turns out, I did originally have the room to myself, but there was an issue with some of the other guys. Coach knocked on my door and he looked exhausted. He explained the situation to me and then went into some spiel about as the team captain, I have to set the example. I ended up agreeing and that's why Ayden, the only gay kid in school, is now dropping his bags on the bed next to mine. The training camp requires that all teams bring their own water boys, I guess to save the effort of finding volunteers. We usually use players from the junior high football team as our water boys, but there was another rule saying all attendees must be in high school. So, I guess hoping to kill two birds with one stone, the coaches found a water boy and found a way to keep the gay kid out of athletics by offering him a P.E. credit to be our water boy for the season. I'm not nearly as homophobic as my teammates, so I don't care that Ayden is gay as long as he stays in his own bed. I've never talked to him, but I'm thinking about it. I just feel kind of bad for him. No one ever really talks to him except to make some derogatory slur at him when they're pushing him around. "Fucking emo." "Fucking faggot." "Burn in hell, dick sucker." I don't see how he can take it. Ayden isn't really paying attention to me. He just went into the bathroom without saying a word. His stuff kind of smells like cat, but it's not too bad. I just heard the shower start. ::::::::::::::::::: Ayden is asleep now, but I can't seem to. I guess I'm excited to start camp tomorrow. I did end up talking to Ayden a little bit after he came out of the bathroom. When he came out of the bathroom, his jet black hair was wet and I noticed a glinting surgical steel industrial in his right ear. Ayden is the only guy with piercings I've ever seen. I've never noticed the industrial before, but I have noticed the snakebites. Kinda hard to miss the black metal on his lips. I guess I like how it looks, but I could never pull it off. "Did that hurt?" I asked. I think I startled the kid, because he took a second to realize what I meant. "Oh...kinda," he mumbled. "I just got it. Today's...uh, my eighteenth birthday so..." "Mine too," I said. He smiled vaguely at me. I'd never seen the kid smile before. He looked really different. He'd changed into pajamas and it was weird for me seeing him in something other than the tight jeans, studded belt, and band T-shirts he normally wears. He dropped his dirty clothes in a heap on top of his Converse shoes. That irked me a little bit. I'm a very organized person. I decided not to say anything. I'd never really looked closely at Ayden, so I started to. I'm always trying to be observant about other people because I want to be a school counselor. The first thing I notice is that he's really tiny. Like, probably the tiniest guy I've ever seen. When he was getting into his bed, I could see the little bumps of his spine against the material of his T-shirt. He turned to look at me and I was caught staring. "What?" he snapped. I wasn't sure what to say. I just looked away and then back, realizing I've never even seen both the kid's eyes. I always thought his eyes were brown, because that's what color the right one is. But now that his left eye wasn't covered with his bangs, I could see that it was blue. "Your eyes..." I said. He blushed a little. "It's called heterochromia," he explained with a sigh as he rolled over. I guess that could have been seen as teasing, but I wasn't trying to. I think it's kind of cool. ::::::::::::::::::: The first day of camp was pretty awesome and after it was over, some of the guys and me snuck to a college party. They're all drunk, but I'm not because it would be suicide to have a hangover for tomorrow. That would be brutal. I'm worn out as it is and I want to take a shower. ::::::::::::::::::: Damn, I really don't know what to write. This is embarrassing as hell. So I went to take a shower, but I didn't know Ayden was already in there. The door wasn't even closed completely. He was in the tub with the jets running and his eyes were closed. Now for the embarrassing part...He was jacking off. I kind of just froze. He hadn't noticed me at all so nothing was snapping me out of this weird trance. I like...I just stood there and watched his fist go up and down. Like I couldn't move away. The image is kind of like burned in my mind. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. He's got a bigger cock than I expected on such a tiny guy. I finally snapped out of it when he finished the job. He kind of arched up out of the water and bit at his lip. Then he gasped and came. White strings of his stuff coated his pale stomach up to his little pink nipples. He sighed and started to open his eyes. I backed away and ran to my bed, hoping he hadn't seen me. I dived on it and pretended to be asleep as he finished up his business and came out of the bathroom. I laid there for the longest time, pretending to be asleep. He didn't say anything to me. I'm pretty sure he didn't see me. I'm freaking out here. I shouldn't have watched him as long as I did. And even reading back on how I described this whole thing is just...it's not like me at all. It's not something I should be thinking about. :::::::::::::::::: This morning I asked Chelsea out. She's got blonde hair and blue eyes and huge boobs. She's also head cheerleader, which makes her even more hot. Josh's Journal Ch. 02 I avoided Ayden the best I could when he came down to the lobby to eat. There was no way I could make small talk, not after I'd watched him masturbate. The more I think about it, the more certain I am that he didn't seen me. I'm not sure if that's good or not. At least if he did know, I would have a reason to switch rooms. As it is, it would just seem like I was being a jerk. For some reason, I really didn't want him to think that about me. He just looked so sad and little, sitting there by himself with a bagel. Chelsea was really in her element during breakfast, smiling and laying on the fake, sugary Southern charm thick while still showing off to the other girls that she'd won. She had the captain of the team. I guess I should have been showing her off to the guys too, since she's the sexiest cheerleader. I just didn't feel like it though. My head hurt. I finished up my eggs, bacon, sausage, and biscuit fairly quickly and spent the rest of the time before training drinking black coffee. Chelsea leaned over, resting her huge rack against my arm. She took my coffee cup and sipped it, wrinkling her nose. "Oh mah gawd," she said. "That's so nasty!" I just shrugged and took the cup back from her. I took a sip and set it down. I didn't really feel like playing along. "How can you stand that?" she asked, playfully hitting me on the chest. I shrugged again. She made a big show of shuddering and making the gross face again since I wasn't game for an overly cute conversation. I looked at the clock and it was time to go out to the field. It was fucking hot this morning, and humid too. So there was no way to keep avoiding Ayden. I took the water bottle from him without saying anything and handed it back. He looked really out of place, out there on the field among all the sweaty jocks. He was wearing those tight pants again, and a T-shirt from some band I'd never listened to. He had a bunch of those rubber band bracelets on and when I looked at them I couldn't help but picturing his fisted hand on his cock the night before. I started to turn around. Being first in line to run suicides was better than standing there thinking about what I'd seen. As I turned around though, some of our other players went to get a drink. They took the bottles from Ayden and stood around him while they drank. He looked so small compared to them. He was probably about five foot four. There were cheerleaders bigger than him. The other guys tossed the empty bottles back at him. Ayden didn't move to catch any of them, just let them hit the grass. "Pick 'em up, faggot." "Come on, little emo bitch, do your job." Ayden stared at them for a moment before slowly bending to pick up the bottles. Cameron caught Ayden by the neck and forced the kid's face into his crotch while Tex and Kendall spat mouthfuls of water on him. That was just uncalled for. The kid was out there in the heat, making sure we all stayed hydrated while we try to get better so we might actually win a game. There's no reason for them to mess with him during practice. I went over and told them that. They laughed at me, made comments like: "Did that little cocksucker do you a favor or somethin'?" and a few others but I didn't pay attention. I gave each of them a shove and made them go to the line to run drills. Ayden was on his knees still at that point, grabbing the bottles and putting them back in the plastic thing he carried them in. He said, "Thanks," but he didn't look at me. I kind of felt bad for walking off because either they had gotten water on his face or the kid was crying. I really hope he wasn't crying. ::::::::::::::::::: I practiced hard today and I'm not in the mood to sneak off to any parties, but Chelsea is all dressed up and she just came my door. She has on this short, short, short skirt and a slinky top and I can tell no bra. I'm willing to bet no underwear either. I wonder how she got away with that. No straight guy with eyes can resist that. I told her I needed to come get ready, but the thing is I really feel more like staying in. I think it's this headache. ::::::::::::::::::: I took some ibuprofen before I left, but it didn't really help. My head was still pounding and I couldn't think straight. Everyone that was inclined to drink was drunk by the time Chelsea and I got to the frat house. Someone handed her a red cup and she raised it up and let out a loud, "Yee-haw!" It just made my head pound. There wasn't anything without alcohol in it to drink except Coke, which was alright. What I really needed was a Gatorade or something. I'm sure that practice was just wearing on me. Chelsea and I danced for a while. More like she grinded her ass on my crotch to a beat. I don't really know how to dance so I just sort of stood there, occasionally putting my hand on her back or moving my arms a little. It was awkward. She led me up the stairs after the song was over. I think she could sense that I wasn't that into the party or, truthfully, that into her. She had me sit on a bed and started making out with me, but I just couldn't get into it. She was grinding on me, grabbing my hands and pressing them to her huge tits. She was moaning a lot, but I think it was more so everyone else would hear her than because of anything I was doing. She told me, "I love you, baby." I just sort of grunted out, "Love you." Chelsea made this sort of squealing sound at that and started making out with me more. She stopped at took of her shirt, taking both my hands and rubbing them all over her boobs. "I love you, Josh," she declared again. She slipped my class ring off my finger and on to her thumb. "Baby, we're gonna be together forever," she said. I just let her keep the ring because I didn't know what else to do. She undid the button and zipper and started to suck on my cock, but I wasn't all that hard. Her grinding had done a little bit, but not much. I started getting nervous, thinking about what would happen if I couldn't get it up. My mind just sort of wandered. I tried thinking of porn videos I'd watched, seeing if that would do it, but it didn't. I thought about my headache which led to thoughts of practice that day. And that took me to thoughts of the bullying I'd witnessed. I remembered the jokes about Ayden sucking my cock that everyone had been making. I guess not worrying about it is what made me able to finally work it up. Chelsea wasn't really very good but I could tell she thought she was. She was raking her nails across my balls and licking all over the place, everywhere except where it actually might have felt good. I tried to help her out and eventually I was able to come and get it over with. I'm glad she didn't expect me to return the favor. I just wanted to get back here and sleep off this headache. I came back and kind of overheard a conversation between Ayden and his mom. It made me feel a bit bad for him. "Mom, I bought groceries before I left," he said. His back was turned to me. He sat on his bed and hunched over while he listened to his mom. "I know it wasn't a lot, but..." He was interrupted. "Mom, there's no money in the account right now, I haven't deposited my check yet." His mom was shrieking so loud I could vaguely hear her. I couldn't figure out what she was saying, but I bet it was bad. "I'll get some when I'm done with my school trip," Ayden said. He hung up the phone and threw it on the ground. He flopped back on his bed. I was still standing awkwardly by the door when he saw me. I felt really awkward so I said, "Hey." He gave me sort of a half wave and put his forearm over his eyes. "Is...is your mom alright?" I asked. "Yeah," he said, without further explanation. He rolled over and went to sleep. Hearing his mom yell at him over the phone made me want to talk to my own mom. While I don't always see eye to eye with her, she'd never yell at me like Ayden's mom did at him. I felt like I would be a crappy son if I didn't call her. I told her I was dating Chelsea and she seemed pleased at that. I'd spent all summer single and she worried that I was isolating myself. One of her parenting magazines told her that sometimes children of divorced parents don't have faith in relationships. She asked if she could meet Chelsea and I said maybe. I don't really want to take Chelsea home to my mom. That would make things seem a little more permanent, and even though Chelsea has my class ring right now, I don't see us lasting long. Josh's Journal Ch. 03 This morning we had a short training session and then camp was over. I feel like I got a lot out of it, but I guess I won't know until our first game in a few weeks. I really hope that we can get a few wins. I'm tired of being a laughingstock. Chelsea wouldn't leave me alone the whole bus ride back. She really bores me. We have nothing to talk about at all. When we finally got back home I noticed Ayden was walking. I offered him a ride home but he said no. I wish he would have let me because I know where he lives is a long walk from the school. Last night, he and I talked a little more after I was done talking to my mom. He'd forgotten to clean his piercing before he went to bed, so I watched him do that. I told him he was pretty tough to put up with that because it looked like it hurt. He smiled at that. I do want to be his friend, especially since it seems like everyone is awful to him, even his mom. I'll just have to get over the awkwardness of seeing him in the tub the other night. I found out he wants to be a social worker and I think that's pretty cool. I told him that I want to be a school counselor and he seemed surprised at that. I don't usually tell people that's what I want to be. I usually lie and say I want to be a coach. If people knew what I really want to be, I know they'd make fun of me for it and sometimes I just don't want to deal with that. Chelsea wants me to take her on a date tomorrow night. I really don't feel like spending my money. I need new cleats and one of the coaches at camp suggested some really good ones. They're expensive though and I'd have to go to Houston to get them. ::::::::::::::::::::: I ended up taking Chelsea to a movie today. She's not fun to talk to at all. She's just too much about appearances, like she thinks everyone is always watching her and she has to put on a show. I wish she'd stop acting like she's some sort of reality TV star and have a real conversation with me. And I'm tired of her overly dramatic Southern drawl. It's obvious she's faking it. I want to break up with her, but I'll wait until school starts next week. She might break up with me first, though. She got mad at me because I wasn't playing along, I guess not acting like a proper boyfriend. I don't really care. ::::::::::::::::::: I bought my cleats today in Houston, and I'm ready to try them out. I was kinda surprised that I saw Ayden in the mall there. He was in Hot Topic by himself so I decided to go in and say hi to him. He was surprised to see me there. I got a lot of strange looks, actually. I guess I don't look anything like their usual clientele. After his initial surprised reaction, he was pretty friendly but I could tell he was uncomfortable with me being there and he kept looking around me. He just seemed flustered. Well, I figured out he was like that because he was expecting his mom. She came in and he seemed like he really wished he could just disappear. His mom is a really big woman. Like really huge. She got even more stares that I did in that store. She rides on this red motor scooter thing and I don't think her legs even work. They were all wrapped in bandages and what I could see looked like dead, lumpy fat. Her hair is really thin and greasy and she has this mean looking bulldog face. When I saw her, I was kind of irrationally angry. Its not that I have anything against the morbidly obese, I just can't see how she's so big and Ayden is so thin. He seemed almost scared of her. That made me not like her at all. Well, that and she ran her scooter into me and barked at me, "Move!" Ayden's face was beet red as she started pulling on his arm and telling him it was time to take her home. He left the case of jewelry and awkwardly waved goodbye to me as he followed her out of the store. I feel really bad for him. It sucks that he has to put up with his mom, but all the bullying too. It had to be a lonely life. I moved in front of the jewelry case and saw he'd been looking at a display of industrial barbells. I kind of wanted to buy him one, but then I decided not to. I mean, I could see different sizes on them and I didn't know which one would fit him. Plus they were more expensive than I could afford right then. I'm pretty much over my issues with having seen Ayden doing what he was doing. I mean every guy does it. And after a glimpse at all the shit he puts up with, I can't blame him for wanting to blow off a little steam. Ha, blow off. I crack myself up. ::::::::::::::::::::::::: We lost our scrimmage game today. Well, scrimmages don't have scores, but I was keeping count and we lost. It pisses me off. Half the time I feel like I'm the only one that even tries on this team. I kind of lost my cool for a little while, but I didn't let it show. I just kept trying. Some of the guys made fun of me for trying so hard because it wasn't a real game, but I just tried to channel all the frustration into playing better. Oh well, at least my new cleats really made a difference. :::::::::::::::::::::::: It's my last free weekend before school starts. I feel kind of weird about this year. I'm so ready to graduate, but then again I'm not. It's not like I'll miss high school. Well, not too much. Mostly I'm just afraid that I won't be able to make it in college. I'm worried that I'm not smart enough or something. I don't even know where I want to go. There's a hell of a lot I don't understand about the process. I'm just afraid one wrong decision could fuck everything up. I took Chelsea out on a date again. I tried to convince her to see another movie, but she didn't want the same date twice in a row. I took her bowling. I love bowling, but she ruined it for me. She kept acting like she was so bad at it and she was giggling and making a scene so everyone would watch us. Her fakeness is nauseating sometimes. She sucked my cock again. I don't know why I can't enjoy that. I mean, at least then she's quiet. But she even does that like she's performing. She wanted to have sex, but I pretended not to have any condoms, even though I know my mom always sneaks one into my wallet. She said it was OK, that she's on the pill but I don't believe her. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm just a pawn in her scheme to have her own episode of 16 and Pregnant. I had to tell her that I didn't want to risk getting her pregnant because I care about her. That seemed to disappoint her. So I'm pretty sure she was trying to get on a reality show. ::::::::::::::::::::::::: I have all my crap ready for tomorrow, but I can't sleep again. I guess I'm more nervous than I thought. :::::::::::::::::::::::: Today was alright. I have a total slacker schedule and spent pretty much all my time wandering around. It's one of the perks of a small school that I can just walk where ever I want to. I got to see my childhood best friend, Kitty. We grew up across the street from each other right up until my dad left. After that, my mom had to move us to a cheaper place. Kitty is crazy, but I love her. She's the drum major of the band this year. Unlike most schools, here it's actually kind of cool to be in the band because it's the only organization to ever have competed at the state level. Kitty spent the first half of her summer building orphanages in Mexico, but about three weeks ago she came back to donate marrow to a kid with cancer. She's a genuinely good person and pretty much the only one I can share most of my feelings with. So after a boring first day back, I went to her house. I didn't tell her about walking in on Ayden, but I did talk about how we shared a room and how I feel bad for him. "I think it's nice of you to want to be his friend," Kitty said. "His family gets help from the food pantry all the time." "I bet his mom takes food from him," I said. I'd been thinking this ever since I saw her in the mall. I would be pissed if that was the case, especially knowing that Ayden gets teased because people accuse him of having an eating disorder. That would be hell, to be made fun of like that and the real reason be that he was being starved. Kitty just shrugged at that. She doesn't like to talk bad about people "So, heard you got yourself a cheerleader girlfriend," she said. I groaned and admitted that I wasn't really that into Chelsea. Kitty lectured me about how rude it was to lead Chelsea on, even though I kept trying to tell her that Chelsea didn't care about me. Kitty is just too inclined to believe the good in people. ::::::::::::::::::::::::: I can't get back to sleep. Not after that dream...I just can't believe it. I woke up kind of confused and with a raging boner. Like it was throbbing. And then I remembered what I'd been dreaming about. It was Ayden?... :::::::::::::::::::::::::: Today after school, Chelsea took me to her place. Her parents were gone so we started fooling around. She looked really hot today. This time, I didn't lie about having a condom when she wanted to have sex. It was pretty fun, even if she was trying to act like a porn star the whole time. Josh's Journal Ch. 04 As requested, this chapter is longer and hopefully better. Wouldn't want to be called a bitch by 'anonymous' again ;) :::::::::::::::::::::::: Kitty asked me to help at the food pantry. At first, my answer was very firmly no, but then she brought up that community service looks good for colleges. I really need some extracurricular activities to pad my resume. I mean, I play football and basketball and baseball and run track, but that's just athletics. I read an article that said colleges look for well rounded students. I'll probably end up helping Kitty. She always ends up making me be a better person, usually either because I feel like crap compared to her or because she's just so friggin' nice. She runs the food pantry on her own and it's really pretty amazing how she manages to keep it going since nearly a hundred families come twice a month for food. I got elected to student council today too. I'm vice president of my class. Chelsea got president, for the fourth year. Kitty is class secretary. I wish I could trade with her. I don't even know what it means to be VP, but I know she'd be way better at the job than me. But despite the good things that happened today, I feel like such a shitty person. I ignored Ayden in the library today when he tried to say hi. Ever since I did it I've felt so bad. I could've waved to him at least. No one was looking. And it's not like it's his fault I dreamt about him again... ::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I'm starting to figure out what exactly it means to be vice president of the senior class, and it really sucks. Chelsea and I are in charge of planning a back to school dance. I thought she was annoying before, but things just keep getting worse. She bitches at me for not helping enough, but then shoots down all of my ideas. But at least I got to make out with her in a supply closet when we were getting stuff for posters. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I haven't decided yet if I'm going to help Kitty with the actual food pantry, but I did go with her today to put together boxes of canned goods. She was already going by the time I got there, making sure every box had two cans each of corn, green beans, peas, peaches, pinto beans, and pineapple. She was on the phone at the same time, nicely but fiercely reminding some poor soul that he'd promised to donate fifty bags of potatoes, not thirty. She hung up once the guy had upped his donation to sixty bags. I was constructing the boxes while she filled them and we started talking. At first it was about both of our roles as leader. Apparently, the band was a little bit behind schedule and she was going to have to push them at the next practice. I told her how I felt like no one else took football seriously. We both shared ideas about how to get everyone motivated. Then she brought something up that I really wish she hadn't. We sort of got into it and I still haven't called her to make up. "So, how is your mom doing?" she asked. This Saturday would have been my mom and dad's twentieth wedding anniversary. "She's fine," I replied. I really didn't know though. I hadn't asked her about it. "Are you planning anything to distract her on Saturday?" "Nah." I shrugged. "I have a date with Chelsea. I'm taking her to the ice rink." Kitty gave me a look. "Josh...your mom might need you." "My dad has been gone for a while, Kitty. She'll be fine." Kitty sighed. "What?" I snapped. "Your mom might not say anything, but try to see it from her point of view. Twenty years ago, she was in love and all dressed in white. And now she's single, hasn't had a date in four months, and her son is a senior in high school about to graduate and leave the nest. She could be depressed. I think you should do something nice for her." "I didn't ask you," I replied. "Quit being so nosy." "You quit being so selfish," she snapped back. We packed the last few boxes in silence and then I left. Kitty's right, of course. I really should be better to my mom. :::::::::::::::::::::: I ended up not calling Kitty at all, so I wasn't sure if she was still mad at me when I drove to the food pantry this morning. Of course, she'd forgiven me though. I was really glad for that. I needed her help getting those dreams out of my head. Kitty was busy though. A bunch of people were trying to get double their share by sending in two people from the same house. Kitty stood at the front door and shot down all the bullshit. She takes her food pantry seriously and nothing sets her off more than the scum that try to take advantage of it. I just focused on working hard and Kitty gave me an approving look so I knew I was forgiven. We were starting to clean up when one last car rolled up to the pantry. I tried to hide when I saw it was Ayden. He had four little kids with him, all girls. One looked to be about four, two identical ones looked to be maybe two or three, and then there was a baby in his arms that I judged to be about nine months to a year old. The little ones clung to his legs and nearly tripped him as he walked inside. I stayed hidden behind the door and listened in. "Honey, we're closing down," Kitty said. I could tell she felt really bad. "I know," Ayden replied. "We just...we couldn't get here earlier...I have our ticket here." I heard him start patting pockets. Kitty stopped him. "We don't have anymore complete packages." "Please, just...if you have anything..." "Alright, just wait a moment and let me put together what I can." I really felt for Ayden. It must have been so embarrassing to have to come in and ask for a hand out like that. Kitty bumped into me as she came through the door and gave me a good kick to the shin before she realized I wasn't a serial killer. "Help me scrape some stuff together," she asked. We started filling up a box with everything we had, but it really wasn't much. All that was left was the weird stuff: canned clams, powdered soup labeled 'cock flavored', and even a whole chicken in a can. Kitty went to the store room and came back with some bread and rice in her arms and she was kicking a box with a few potatoes still rolling around. She'd also found a few boxes of pudding mix. We loaded up the stuff on a dolly and I rolled it out to the rusty old junker Ayden had driven up in. The little girls all came running to us, but Ayden stayed away, looking down. Kitty went over to talk to him, leaving me to entertain the little kids. I'm no good with children. "Is there treats in there?" the oldest one asked, putting her hand on her hips. I shrugged. "Uh, you wanna look?" I wasn't really sure what else to do. I showed them the pudding first, but that got their hopes all up and they wrinkled their noses at the rest of the stuff. Especially the clams because they had no idea what that was. When I pulled out the soup mix one of the younger ones stood on her tip toes and looked at it. "What's that say?" she asked, pointing to the word cock. There was no way I was going to say cock. I was trying to formulate a lie, but the oldest one apparently could read. "Cock!" she shouted and I cringed. She snatched the packet from me. "Hey, big brother, this is cock. Mom said you like this in your butt. You're weird!" Ayden slapped his hand to his forehead and rushed over the take the packet from her. He herded all the kids into the car and totally ignored me as he drove off in a hurry. I tried not to think about him while I was having dinner with my mom, but she kept asking me what was wrong. It's really nothing. I mean, I do feel really bad for Ayden and I think I'd still be friends with him, but he could have at least said thank you today. I don't think he's interested. That's just as well. I don't really want to hang out with him now that he's invading my dreams. It's just weird. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Chelsea brought her own condom for our date. When I was opening it, I felt that she'd poked holes in it. I asked her about it right then. She claimed she'd found it in her sister's room and hadn't done anything to it. I didn't buy it at all so I broke up with her. It's going to be awkward planning that stupid dance now. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::: News that I'm single spread really fast and a lot of girls were flirting with me today. I had Kitty run interference for me, but then the rumor started that I was going out with her. She was really frustrated by that and the more she denied it, the more people believed it. I don't really care if people think I'm dating Kitty. She's my best friend though so I wouldn't actually date her. I would want to risk messing up our relationship. Still, I'm going to try to help her put that rumor to rest because the cheerleaders started being awful to her. Apparently, Chelsea put out the story that I was cheating on her. I should have expected that, but what really bothers me is that some people believe it. I'm not the type of guy to cheat. But then again, I try not to be hateful so I'm not going to tell the real story of why we broke up. There's a volleyball game tonight and I'm going to go to watch Kitty play. She's really good and there's been speculation that the volleyball team might have a chance at state this year. :::::::::::::::::::::::: I spent most of the game with Kitty in the locker room. Chelsea's best friend, Megan, intentionally shoved Kitty down right as the game started. Kitty's always had bad ankles and she got a pretty nasty sprain. I sat next to her while she iced it, but then she got pretty antsy about the game and insisted that I go text her play by plays So I went and sat in the bleachers. A bunch of people came up to me to talk about our first game coming up. Mostly it was unwanted advice, but their hearts are all in the right place. I don't tell them, but I'm really nervous about this game. Our first game is going to be at home against the Chilton Pirates. I'm glad that it's going to be on our turf, because the Chilton kids are a pretty rough group. They're all oil field stock and mean as rabid dogs. They're an intimidating opponent but hopefully we can all keep our heads and at least make it a close game. Chelsea came up to me and asked if we could get back together. I told her I'd think about it, but just because I didn't want to tell her no in public. She'd probably make a huge scene about it. I'm surprised she wasn't more theatrical about asking me in the first place. Maybe she actually does like me, I don't know. Maybe I'll think about it. I was surprised that Ayden was at the game. He was with some guy and they were holding hands. They got a lot of weird looks, but luckily no one did anything. I felt kind of weird looking at that. Like...I don't know, I felt betrayed. My dreams about Ayden are getting to the point that I'm really starting to question if it's normal or not. I mean, I'm a teenage guy so sex is pretty much on my brain a lot of the time, but I've never had a dream about a guy. And the fact that I remember it so vividly...how smooth and white his skin was and kissing up and down his chest...I'm about to Google if it's normal. :::::::::::::::::::::: Well, I did Google it but I didn't read much because I was freaked out. From what I saw, it might be normal. And plus, I didn't dream about actually having sex with Ayden. I'm sure if I stop thinking about it I'll stop dreaming about it. Still, I'm gonna double check that I cleared my history. Mom would freak out. ::::::::::::::::::::: I got back with Chelsea today. She seemed to be really sorry about what she did with the condom. And we actually had a decent conversation and she told me she just did it because she was curious what sex would be like without a condom. I guess she thought that I wouldn't want to use a damaged one, but would still want to have sex with her. I don't know what she was thinking, but it was nice to talk to her. I guess there's a real person under that make up. I mean, I guess it would be cool to bareback it. I've never done that before. Well, Chelsea was my first anyway so of course I haven't. If I trusted her more, I'd say we could try it, but I still don't believe her when she says she's on the pill. ::::::::::::::::::: The game is tonight and I'm about to go. I just finished my before game ritual. My mind is in a weird place right now. I got this weird urge to go to the gay porn tab of my go-to site and just reassure myself that I'm not attracted to guys. There was this one video and the guy in it looked like Ayden, but his eyes were different and his hair had red in it. I was watching this guy get pounded by another punk/emo looking guy and I actually got off to it. And I'd been imagining me and Ayden. Imagining that he was sucking my cock and his straight black hair was against my stomach. I thought about that for a long time and then I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I've never fantasized about another guy before, not even in passing. This has to stop. It's going way too far. I don't know who I can even talk to. Definitely not Chelsea. She was never an option. I can't talk to my mom. She'd just go run to her parenting websites for advice. I guess I could tell Kitty. I can tell her anything. But I'm gonna wait a little longer. This is probably just a phase. ::::::::::::::::: We lost, but that's not the biggest thing that happened tonight. I was waiting for Chelsea in the parking lot and she was taking forever getting out. At this point, the place was empty and she was still probably posing for pictures to upload onto Facebook. I heard a few people talking and I peaked around the corner to see two people making out. I was trying to be quiet, but I kicked a rock and they heard me. Turns out, it was Ayden. Whoever it was that was with him ran off in the opposite direction. "Hey," I said. "Sorry about that." Ayden seemed really uncomfortable and he shrugged. "Probably for the best..." I watched him fix his belt buckle. His red checkered boxers were showing just a little bit. I kissed him. His mouth tasted minty. It was like electricity, the warmth of his mouth against mine, the cool metallic feel of his snakebites. I put my hand on the back of his head, my fingers tangling in his straight black hair. Ayden backed away, but I pressed him against the brick wall. He pushed back right away, wiped his mouth with his sleeve and called me a few rude names as he rushed away. So I stood there, tired from the game and with a sudden boner. Chelsea finally came out of the dressing rooms and I drove her home without a word. I'm sure it pissed her off, but I was still thinking about Ayden. Josh's Journal Ch. 05 Chelsea texted me this morning. She said she thinks she's pregnant. I think she's making it up. I texted her back that she should go get a test but she said she doesn't need one, that she knows her body. I broke up with her. This time we're staying broken up. If she is pregnant, there's no way it's mine. I went to Kitty today with my Ayden problem. She was no help at all. "I want to stop thinking this way," I told her. "You can't help who you're sexually attracted to. It's just like how when you smell food, your stomach growls." "I'm not attracted to guys though." "Well, sexual identity is something that takes a while to develop. It's not impossible that you may be attracted to guys. There's nothing wrong with that, Josh, but really you need to be careful..." "I kissed him," I blurted out. I hadn't intended to tell her about that, but it was driving me crazy. I kept thinking about that kiss, wanting to do more. I was afraid it was more than curiosity, more than just a phase. I couldn't think of anything but his soft lips, that mint taste and warm feeling. Kitty seemed surprised by this confession. "Josh, if you care about him in any context, you have to be serious. Ayden has an awfully stressful life. You have the potential to make things way harder for him." Ha, harder...she had no idea. "I'm just...maybe I'm just curious." At this point, I knew I was lying to her and to myself, but it's hard to let go of those lies. "He's not someone you should use to explore your curiosity with," Kitty said, looking so serious I was a little afraid. "He needs the type of person I know you aren't ready to be." I was a little hurt that she said that, but mostly because it's true. I'd caught glimpses of his horrible mother, his group of much younger siblings. I'm going to try to put my horniness aside and help him out. ::::::::::::::::::: I wasn't sure at first how I planned to help Ayden out, but I guess someone upstairs knew I was looking to earn some good will. My chance came today at the grocery store. I was there to pick up something for dinner, but I was in no rush so I went up to him. "Hey," I said. He looked like he hadn't slept or eaten all weekend. He didn't say anything to me. "Look...about what I did..." He turned and gave me an almost scary look. "I don't care. I don't want to hear it. You think you're the first jock to want to fool around with me? Because you aren't. I'm tired of all of you thinking I'm easy or something because I'm gay. So why don't you go break up or make up with your cheerleader, whichever step you're on. I don't need your bullshit." He turned and walked off, but I went after him. "I just wanted to apologize." "I don't buy it," he said, but his tone was less angry. "Can we talk?" I asked. "No," he replied. "I don't have any time..." He seemed so exhausted, almost like he was ready to fall over. I really wanted to talk to him, but I could tell he wasn't in the mood. Instead, I slipped a twenty into the pocket of his hoodie. I didn't do it because I felt bad for his crappy family situation. I did it because I hope when he finds it he'll be happy. I want to help him. I don't like how he looks so tired. I'm starting to feel better. Maybe I'm not sexually attracted to Ayden after all. I probably just sensed that he needed comfort. :::::::::::::::::::::: Chelsea and I had to go see a man about getting the dance catered. She was all over me the whole time. She kept wanting to fool around and I kept telling her we weren't together. She kept trying though and eventually her hand was moving up and down my cock. It hurt a little because she didn't use any lube or anything so I guess that's why it felt good when she wrapped her mouth around the head and started to suck. I didn't cum though, and she got bored. It still felt alright so I gave her a smile as I zipped up. I couldn't see her face at all so I don't know what's going on with her. I just hope I made it clear enough that she and I aren't back together. I'm sure I did. ::::::::::::::::::::: Rumors can take a lot out of a person. I showed up to school entirely too groggy to deal with the confrontation of several people, berating me for breaking up with my pregnant girlfriend. I wanted to tell them to just shut up, but they will when Chelsea doesn't have a baby in nine months. It was hard to focus with all the dirty looks, so I think I may have bombed the test this morning in physics. I really needed Kitty's help, but before I could find her Cameron came up to talk to me. I was glad that he had no comment on the Chelsea situation. Instead, he told me to check out the handicap stall. He was laughing and his face was red. I wondered what it was that had him going. The handicap stall in the boys' restroom in the main building is pretty much our news station. At the beginning of every year there's a new coat of paint for us to etch our lives on to. I went in to the bathroom and there was a line of guys looking at the news. They seemed really worked up about something and I thought it would be worth skipping my blow off class. After all, this seemed more important than typing and every round of laughter and whooping confirmed that. I finally got to the wall and squinted at the message in the scrapings. It said, "Ayden will suck your dick for $20." A lot of thoughts ran through my mind at that point. I wondered if Ayden had written that himself. If he was really that desperate. I wondered if it was someone's idea of a joke. And finally, the thought that's still with me, I wonder if anyone has done it. Its making me feel weirdly jealous. I don't know why. If Ayden's giving out blow jobs, that shouldn't bother me too much, right? But it does and I don't know why. I guess it's because I don't like seeing someone I've started to care about doing something like this. Maybe I just don't like the idea of people taking advantage of Ayden's situation. But really, I don't like the idea of Ayden and some other guy's cock. But that shouldn't bother me. I've already figured out that I'm not attracted to him, I just feel sorry for him. So I guess the real reason I feel betrayed by this is that Ayden is doing it because his family is desperate for money and he's done this without giving me a chance to figure out how to help him. I guess the easiest way to get him some help would be to report to family services, but I don't want to do that. I saw the way Ayden was with his little sisters. He would be devastated if he were separated from them. Since he's 18 the state wouldn't do anything to help him. For a moment, I let my mind wander. I thought about calling. It would be best for his sisters, that's true no matter what. With them gone, he'd need someone. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do, that's how I'm supposed to help him. :::::::::::::::::: I ran into Ayden in the library. I wanted to ask him if what was on the bathroom wall is true, but I couldn't. A bunch of guys were already around him and the librarian was ignoring them. I got close enough to hear that they were taunting him. "I have a twenty, faggot." "If I let you suck my dick, you'd have to pay me." "Why don't you get on your knees and earn your money now?" I went over and broke the group up. "Guys, leave him alone," I said. "Oh, look at that. Josh wants a turn." "Bet he likes being able to fuck this emo bitch and not worry about getting him pregnant." "Bet it helps that the cocksucker looks like a chick already." They ended up leaving after a while. Ayden was staring at the table, picking at the corner of his fingernail. "Are you alright?" I asked. He just nodded. I turned and was going to walk away. "Josh?" I turned back to him. "Thanks..." I sat down next to him and put my hand on his thigh under the table. I meant it to be comforting, but he took it the wrong way I guess. He scooted away from me and I had to clarify. "If you need help, go to Kitty. She can probably figure out a way to do more for you if you need it." Ayden stood and grabbed his messenger bag. "Bye, Josh," he said. I grabbed his sleeve. I didn't want him to run off without listening to me. He hadn't denied that he was selling favors and I was starting to think it was true. His face was close to mine. I really wanted to kiss him again, but I didn't. I think I should stop kidding myself. :::::::::::::::::::::: I'm not denying it anymore. I'm attracted to Ayden. I care about him. I want to kiss him and more. I called Kitty and she came over. I told her my realization and she didn't smirk too much about being right. I guess because at this point I was a mess. "I don't want him to be with anyone else," I confessed. "I want him for myself, Kitty. I really want him. I hate that he's hurting. I want to fix it but I don't think he wants my help. I need you to help me, please." Kitty nodded. "One of the bigger food pantries that keeps us stocked has a weekly program for food and free clothes and diapers. I'll try to get them on it. That's about all I can do." "Could I deliver it?" I asked. I really wanted Ayden to see me as someone who could help him. That got me to thinking. I've been so busy trying to figure out how I feel about him, but now I wonder if Ayden even thinks of me that way. Probably not. I'm probably too preppy for him to even think of me that way. I told this to Kitty. She smiled. "Josh, if he likes you, how you dress doesn't matter." "Yeah, but how do I know if he likes me?" I groaned. I flopped backward onto my bed and covered my face with a pillow. "What if he doesn't like me?" She was trying not to laugh and failing. "Josh, don't worry about it. You're sweet and funny and caring. He'll like you." I hope she's right. I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. Now I can't stop. What if he's not attracted to me? :::::::::::::::::::::: Kitty got Ayden's family on the program right away and she said Ayden seemed glad when she told him the news. She also tried to earn me some brownie points by telling him it had been my idea. I'm glad she's so supportive and trying to get me on his good side, but I hope Ayden doesn't think I pity him. If anything, I look up to him. He's way stronger than me to be able to deal with that shit. I started daydreaming earlier, which is a weird feeling. I must really have it bad for him...anyway... I was daydreaming about taking Ayden just far away. At first it was a meadow, but that was too Twilight. Then I just thought about bringing him here to my room. Of course I thought about throwing his heels behind his ears and pounding into his ass while he screamed out my name but after I got off it wasn't so much about that anymore. I remembered what he looked like asleep when we'd been roommates and then how tired he looked now. So I fantasized about letting him take a nap after rocking his world. I'm probably weird now, but that's alright. :::::::::::::::::::: The dance is coming up and I had to stay and put together decorations. Chelsea pulled me to the side and managed to get everyone's attention doing something that should have been discreet. "I want us to be together...for our baby," she declared, putting her hands over her flat stomach. "Chelsea, I don't want to be with you. If you really are pregnant, show me the positive test and I'll help you out, but we're not getting back together." She flung herself at me, pressing her tits to my chest and making sex eyes at me. "I love you and I want us to be a real family. Please, let's just get out of here. We can get the spark back." I backed away and slapped my hand over my face. She had seriously just talked about a spark. "Chelsea, we were never in love. We were nothing more than decent sex. I don't love you. I don't believe you love me." "But I do," she said. She was sobbing now and of course I felt bad. "We're not getting back together," I said as I walked away. I ran into Cameron in the hallway. "Hey, man! So you know that thing in the handicap stall? That shit's true!" "What? About Ayden?" "Yeah! Man, we got Coach Sandy to test it out and it worked! That little queer bitch will suck a dick for twenty bucks. And he said that its almost better than a girl because the emo doesn't complain about it." I felt my stomach turn. "That's not cool, man. Ayden has a crappy situation and I don't think it's right for anyone to take advantage of that." Cameron scoffed. "Who cares? What is that fat bitch you hang out with starting a save the whores campaign?" I punched Cameron. He deserved it. The good news is, I'm not vice president anymore so I can stop gluing together stupid decorations. ::::::::::::::::::: Mom freaked when she heard that I'd been in a fight. It wasn't really much of a fight though. Cameron is all talk. He walked away with a split lip, broken nose, and two black eyes. I feel fine. My lip bled a little bit, but that's it. She asked me if this was me acting out because dad left. Any time I do anything remotely bad, she thinks I'm acting out. The truth is, I don't care. I don't remember my dad all that well, but from what I do remember I know he was a jerk and I'm a lot better off without him. And besides, I'm eighteen. Aren't I too old to be 'acting out'? But, what do I know? At least she didn't try to ground me or anything. ::::::::::::::::::: We lost the football game. Next week might be better. We're going up against another 0-2 team. It should be a fair match. :::::::::::::::::: Kitty convinced me to go to the dance with her. I forgot completely that her boyfriend was still in basic training for the Marines. I really should be a better friend. Anyway, I don't think she really needed me there. Kitty looked great and the band members kept her entertained with dancing and conversation. I ended up being the one sitting in a chair by the wall. A few guys were laughing and joking around. I heard Ayden's name. I leaned in closer, trying to hear what they were saying. I heard that he was in the handicap stall giving out favors for twenty bucks. I ran to the bathroom, my stomach doing flip flops. I couldn't believe it. I had to stop it. I had to let him know that I care. Two or three guys were waiting around and I could see under the stall, one person standing and one person in tight black jeans on his knees. "Out!" I shouted, grabbing one guy by his shirt and throwing him out. I shoved the others out into the hall too. I jerked the handicap stall door open as some poor girl's date zipped himself up and shoved past me without showing his face. Ayden sat against the wall, crying into his hands. I knelt in front of him and tried to hold him. At first he moved away from my touch, but then he crashed forward, getting tears on my shirt. I heard the bathroom door swing open and leapt up, shoving the freshman boy out the door and locking it. I returned to Ayden and he was spitting into the toilet. I offered him a piece of bubble gum and he accepted it. His hair was over his eyes, so all I saw was tears falling down onto his hands. "Don't do this anymore," I pleaded. "You...you don't understand...I have to. My sisters need my help..." "There are other ways." I wrapped my arms around him again, holding him close. There was a pounding on the door and I heard the sound of keys. "You never have to do this again," I told him. After that, he wanted to go home. I meant what I said. Its a promise. I just don't know how to keep it yet. Josh's Journal Ch. 06 Kitty helped me load up the back of my truck with some things for Ayden's family, but she didn't have time to go with me. She had called an early morning practice for the band. I drove down the maze of dirt roads to his sad looking little house. He was waiting for me in the same clothes he'd worn last night. I unloaded the boxes and carried them to the front steps of his house. Ayden seemed reluctant to accept everything when he saw how much it was, but then his sisters came out and squealed in delight as they started pulling clothing out of one box. Ayden gave a small smile. "Careful not to get everything dirty," he warned. The girls looked up at me and smiled. The oldest one said, "I'm glad you took his cock that one time." I'm pretty sure my face turned red trying not to laugh and also not to think about the obvious. Ayden sighed in a good natured way and got on to her. "Mary, for the last time, please stop saying cock. Take Anne and Lucy inside. Give Jenny a bottle and you guys play. We can look at all these nice things later." The girls danced their way inside. Ayden started to grin as he watched them disappear. I was glad to see him smile at their happiness. "Are you alright?" I asked. "Don't..." he said. "Just don't bring that up..." I dropped it, but I was curious. How many guys had he sucked off for money? I picked up a few boxes and gave him a look that made it clear I was going inside. The inside of the house smelled a bit sour. Ayden pushed his hair out of his eyes as he set the box of canned corn on the counter in a dingy kitchen. "Thank you," he said. There was an unspoken 'Good bye' at the end of that. I wasn't going to leave just yet. I probably should have. I just didn't know what was about to happen. The baby started crying and Ayden went to her. He picked her up and she giggled right away and gave him sloppy kisses. It was cute. I was glad I got to see that. The rest, not so much. "Boy! Get back here!" a gruff voice called out. Ayden gave me a look that said not to follow him, but I had kind of started staring at his ass and so it didn't register until I was already following behind him like a horny puppy. The man in the room was so big, I could barely see the bed holding him up. He was naked, but he was so large that I couldn't see anything. He was the source of the sour smell. "Who is he?" the man demanded. Ayden seemed to shrink right in front of me. "He...he brought us some things..." The man grumbled and moved his sausage-like arms to scratch his head. "How did you get those, son?" he asked derisively, making some pretty illustrative hand gestures. I wanted to hit that man. He knew! He knew what Ayden had been doing and he was making fun of him for it! I clenched my fist tight. Ayden still looked so small. He hung his head and mumbled something I couldn't understand then he turned to me and said I should leave. I didn't want to leave. In fact, even right now I wish I was there with him. Or that I had brought him home with me. Damn, shouldn't be picturing him on my bed right now. Ayden set the baby down in the living room and walked with me out of his house. "Thank you," he said softly. "Come to my truck," I said. Ayden followed after me uncertainly. I handed him a wad of money. It was pretty much all I had, but I wanted to be sure that he never had to do anything like he'd been doing. "I can't take this," he said. "I don't..." I pulled him close and hugged him. I really wanted to kiss him, but I didn't want to push my luck. "Look, I don't judge you for what you did. I just don't want you to ever have to do it again. You're a good person." Ayden pushed his hair to the side, out of his eyes. He leaned forward. He was hesitant at first and eventually kissed me more toward the corner of my mouth, as if he wasn't sure if a kiss on the cheek or lips was appropriate. I really wanted to just throw him over my shoulder and bring him home. Still regretting not doing that. ::::::::::::::::::: I went by Ayden's house again today to make sure that he was doing alright. He was in the front yard with his sisters. I stayed in my truck and watched them play. The three toddlers tackled him and he was laughing. I got out just as the baby had managed to crawl over to Ayden. She was kissing his head over and over again. I had intended to act on my previous impulse to throw him over my shoulder and take him somewhere where I could maybe start to figure out this attraction, but I ended up taking him and his sisters to Gatti-Town. I hadn't been there in forever, but it was the same pizza buffet that I remembered. The girls had never been and they were absolutely floored. They got to sit in one of the dining rooms with the cartoons playing on the wall. When they found out there was a game room too, I thought they were going to lose it. Ayden and I took them to the ball pit and let them at it. The baby was not pleased that she was too little to get in there, so I played a few rounds of skee ball to get enough tickets to buy her a little stuffed toy. I thought we'd never get those kids out of there and to do so I had to promise to bring them back. They fell asleep on the drive back to their house. I helped Ayden carry them inside and Mary woke up during the process. "Ay-Ay, you like him?" she asked. He set her on her feet to get the baby. I don't know who was happier, me or Mary, when he said, "Yeah, I like him." Mary took us both by the arm and made us hold hands. "You keep him," she said, before turning around and dragging her feet toward the door. Once the girls were in bed, Ayden and I sat on the bed of my truck. He looked up at the sky. One of the best parts about living out in the boondocks is the night sky. It's beautiful. Of course, I was more interested in watching Ayden. "That was really nice of you," he said. "It wasn't what I had in mind for today, but I'm glad I got the sibling approval," I joked. Ayden smiled and looked at me uncertainly. "Do you...?" "I like you," I said suddenly. Shock and confusion were evident even though I couldn't see his eyes. "In what way?" he finally asked. "In the way you think. And it's not just because of how you look. It's not all about sex. It doesn't have to be about that at all, in fact. Its just you make me want to be a better person in a way that I can't really put into words. I'll admit, I've been thinking about you a lot in ways that I've never thought of a guy before. I don't know what it all means, if it makes me gay or bi or what. I don't know how to feel about it. Sometimes I feel alright and then sometimes its like...I feel like something's wrong with me. I could have pretty much any girl. I should want that. But I don't. I want you." I ended my rambling with a frustrated sigh. I was scared to look over at him after sounding like a crazy person, but after a few moments I did. Ayden just stared at me. "You're different than I thought." I put my arm around him and said, "Well, you of all people should know not to buy in to stereotypes." Ayden leaned against me. There were no uncomfortable pressure points or awkward angles. We just fit. I kissed the top of his head and moved my hand to his lower back. And yes, I was going for his ass. And hell yes, I got there. He jumped a little and laughed nervously. "Sorry," I said. "I'm not exactly sure how this goes." "You can kiss me if you want to," Ayden said. "I have pizza breath though." I pretended to think about it and then shrugged and said, "Me too." I pulled Ayden up on my lap and started kissing him. Pizza breath never tasted so good. He was moving against me, slowly creating friction that felt amazing. So amazing, that soon it wasn't so weird to be kissing a guy. It just felt good. Plain and simple. I've never been high, but I'm pretty sure I was then. I was going crazy wanting to touch everything, experience everything. I figured out his collarbone is really a turn-on spot for him, but we didn't get to explore that much because his mom started yelling at him to get inside. As if I didn't have enough reasons to dislike her. I felt a bit weird on the drive home. It was one thing to watch gay porn and get off to it. I mean, Google said that a lot of straight guys do. Kissing him, that's just curiosity. That's not so bad. But the second kiss threw me for a loop. I mean, if I was still honestly just experimenting, wouldn't one have been enough? :::::::::::::::::::::::::: This morning I felt a little weird about going back to school. I feel almost like a different person. Going back there seemed so trivial. I really didn't want to go, to be honest. Its like I'm living a lie there. The team had a short meeting before school and I tried the best I could as captain to get everyone to calm down, but they were talking about Ayden. "I can't believe that was true." "He really did that, that dirty queer." "He ain't worth shit." "Hell, bet he'd do it for free." "You know the faggot just wants cock." I finally got everyone to shut up. "Look, guys, I've been hearing a lot of negative talk that isn't going to do us any good this Friday. I want us to give our all this week and get prepared. I wanna see focus from all of us. If you guys want to act all tough, you got to earn it. Right now you're all just a bunch of dumb asses walking around like you own the damn place but you've done nothing. We're 0 for 2. If you fuckers want to go around bullying people you're just making jack asses out of yourself and this team." I knew my words wouldn't have any effect on them and before lunch the rumor spread that Ayden had to do all his assignments in the principal's office because people were harassing him. They were waving money in his face, pushing him into walls, yelling different kinds of insults at him. One girl even said she saw a bunch of guys pull him into the bathroom. That got me worried and I chased after him as soon as the last bell rang. I grabbed Ayden when he was heading for the buses, afraid to call out his name because I'm a coward. He didn't see who it was and started swinging as I pulled him to an alcove where no one would see us. "I'm sorry!" he said, his eyes wide when he realized it was me. "It's fine," I said quickly. "Are you OK?" He shrugged. "It's not so bad." I pressed him against the wall and kissed him before I could think too much. He made a soft sound that sent vibrations through me. It was better than any other kiss I've ever had. I pulled away and started kissing his neck. I never understood the point of a hickey until now. I want to leave my mark all over him. The sound of people died down and soon the school was abandoned. I whispered in his ear, "Let's go." My breath made little goosebumps rise up on his neck. Damn... I drove him to my house and kept reaching over to touch him. Let me stop here and say fooling around wasn't my only goal. I really do want to get to know him as a person and figure out who I am. I care about him, I want to be the person he needs. Its just in that moment it was kind of hard for me not to hump his leg and I had to get it out of my system. We got to my house and I brought him inside. More like dragged him. I made him drop his messenger bag on the way to my room. Once we were there I lifted him up on my bed and pushed him onto his back, pulling off his shoes and tossing them over my shoulder. I went back to kissing his neck and left a little triangular mark there. I liked how it looked. He wiggled underneath me and pushed his hair out of his face. "So...uhm" he said. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. If anything I do makes you uncomfortable, tell me. Otherwise, just lay there and look good," I told him. I felt lightheaded and was really kind of shocked at myself, but I didn't want to stop. I wanted to experience as much as possible before my stupid brain kicked in gear. I started pulling his shirt up and slid down to lick his stomach. He arched his back when I did that and moaned a little. Damn sexy. I peeled his shirt all the way off and started running my hands over him. He was so warm and smooth. He kinda squeaked and wiggled around. The kid was driving me crazy. I left another mark at the hollow part where his neck and collarbone meet. His fingers dug into my shoulders and I started trying to undo his pants, but he was wearing a very frustrating belt. His cell phone chirped from his bag and I just about fell over and had a fit from the frustration. "Do you care if I..." Ayden looked like he was just as disappointed. I rolled away and watched him go check his phone. He sighed in frustration. "I have to go..." "Stay?" I asked, giving my best puppy dog eyes. He sighed and seemed conflicted. "My parents need me at home...the baby is fussy..." I understand why he had to leave. I just wish his family had waited a while before calling him away. I feel bad for not talking to him in more detail about his bad day, but hopefully he enjoyed that at least. I know it's not good enough. I'm just not good at the emotional side of things. I never really connected with any of my past girlfriends. Of course I cared about them all, but not in the way I do Ayden. I guess I knew something was missing in my relationships before, but I never thought it could be because I was with the wrong gender. I'm starting to think that's what it is. I never really questioned things like this before. I think I was just straight by default. I'm not ready yet to say I'm gay though. I don't know if it's lingering doubts or what. For now though, it doesn't matter what I am as long as Ayden is around, I'm happy. ::::::::::::::::::::::: I filled out a few college applications today, but I don't know where I want to go yet. I haven't been thinking about it as much, but I should really start. I think I'm in denial about graduation. I might hate that place, but it's the only place I've ever known. It's never hard to spot Ayden among the students of Iola, but its extra easy now that I think I'm obsessed with him. "Ayden," I said, once I was behind him. He turned and gave me a half smile. "Hey, Josh." I love how he says my name. For some reason, it just sounds better when he says it. "I want to take you out tonight," I said. He seemed surprised and blushed a little. "I'd like that." "After practice?" I said. "You can skip the bus and I'll drive you home." A girl passed by and squirted a packet of ketchup on him. I was ready to go crazy on her, but he just held on to my arm. "It's not worth it," he said. "It's not right," I said. He shrugged and gave me a look that made his eyes seem old and wise. "It doesn't change anything to get mad." I stared at him kind of stupidly. "Go on, before one of the other football players sees us." He turned away, grabbing some napkins and blotting out the ketchup as he went back to his safe haven in the principal's office. I spent the rest of the day and all of practice thinking about him. So needless to say, I was distracted. It earned me a lot of jeers about how I'd been lecturing about focus and now I was the one effing up. After practice, it took me a while to find Ayden. I stood in the parking lot, thinking I'd been stood up. Everyone else had left when he finally appeared. "I didn't want people to start talking," he explained. I felt bad that had to think about those things and I told him so. "It's alright," he said, with a smile. "It gets better, right?" I nodded and smiled, opening the passenger side door for him. We drove around for a while. He was listening to his iPod but still talking with me about some of the day's assignments. He seemed a lot happier. I like to think I had something to do with that. I offered him the same kind of date I'd always had with girls. Some sort of activity (movies, bowling, skating) and dinner, but he didn't seem to be interested in that. He said, "I think it would be nice to just walk." I drove to a park and we picked the trail with the most shade. I wasn't sure if hand holding was appropriate. I did want to, but there were people around and that got me thinking. Am I gonna have to come out now? What do I tell people? I'm pretty sure that I want a relationship with Ayden, but is it going to become some sort of secret or are we going to be open about it? What would that mean for me? I don't even know where my mom stands in the gay debate. There's no way in hell I could keep the football team's respect. I guess my inner turmoil was showing because Ayden cleared his throat and gave me a sympathetic look. "You can change your mind," he said. "What do you mean?" "I understand that you're probably confused and maybe now isn't the right time for you. If you decide right now that you want to forget about this, then you can." I was a little floored by that. He was giving me a chance to chicken out. "I don't want to," I said. He moved his hair away from his eyes and I could see that he didn't quite believe me. I pulled him toward me and kissed him. There's something about kissing him. It makes me feel like...as weird as it sounds, I feel complete. Everything about him just makes me focus on him. I feel like time slows down and I can hear both of us breathing and all the other sounds die out. When my lips covered his, I wanted to give him everything. I don't know how long we stood there kissing and I'm not sure if anyone saw or if I cared at that point. The sun was starting to set and I took his hand, leading him back to my truck. I kept his hand in mine for the entire drive back to his house. I parked my truck once we were there and looked at him. "I need to go inside and make sure my sisters eat. I really shouldn't have left them...not that I...I'm glad I went with you." I kissed him again and it took all of my willpower to break away. "I'll wait here." He went inside and took care of what he needed to. I settled into the bed of my truck. I need to remember to start carrying a blanket with me for when it gets colder. He came back out and I helped him up into the bed of the truck with me. He seemed a little upset, so I didn't make a move on him. Instead we just looked up at the sky. He shared his iPod with me. I didn't know any of his music, so I just let it play songs at random. The last song that played before his mom called him in is still stuck in my head but I can't find it anywhere. It was about swinging life away on a front porch and I guess mostly it was just about happiness. One line stood out to me. "If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end." Josh's Journal Ch. 07 I didn't want to wake up this morning. Its just one of those days you want to stay in bed. The sky was looking like rain all day, but there wasn't a drop until right before after school practice. It got to the point that practice was cut short. I hope that doesn't hurt us for the game. Ayden told me he was going to come over after he made sure his sisters were safe. Apparently when he came home the baby had a messy diaper and none of the girls had been fed since he'd given them breakfast that morning. Some people just shouldn't have kids. While I'm waiting for him, I've been just poking around the Internet. No porn though. Whenever I try to watch it now, I think about what Ayden did out of desperation and I wonder if the people in the videos are that desperate too. I start to feel guilty watching it. Instead I've been Googling the logistics of anal sex. I feel weird doing that, but if Ayden and I ever get to that point, I want to know what to do so I don't end up hurting him. I don't know when it will be. Half of me (the lower half), wants it to be now, but the other half wouldn't mind waiting. I think I love him or at least I'm really close to loving him. ::::::::::::::::::::::: One of my daydreams came true when Ayden came over and I have to say it's better than I pictured it. I keep playing it over and over in my head, like a movie. We had the house to ourselves because my mom wasn't home yet. He was soaking wet because the rain was really bad. Once he got inside he was shivering in his wet clothes. I offered him some of my clothes to change into. I was trying to be a gentleman, so I didn't jump on him right then. Instead I waited outside the bathroom while he changed into a pair of my pajama pants and a shirt. The clothes were really big on him, almost falling off. We went to room and he sat on the bed. I sat at my desk because I knew if I was on the bed with him I'd be all over him. "How are your sisters?" I asked. He smiled slightly. "They're good. Wondering when you're going to take them to get pizza again." I laughed. "Well, maybe next weekend I'll take them." "They'd love that." "Good. I'm glad. Usually kids don't like me." "They aren't hard to please," he said, smiling a bit more. "I need to thank Kitty again for all that stuff. We really needed it. My parents both get disability checks, but sometimes that's not enough and well...my dad refuses to let any of his money go to my sisters because they aren't really his. And he always knows if I try to use it. He makes me bring receipts. I guess he wouldn't be able to do anything about it if I did use it but...I guess the memories..." He pushed his wet hair out of his face and took a deep breath. "Sorry." "It's alright. You can talk to me." I really wanted him to talk to me, to tell me more. I wanted him to get it out and more importantly I wanted to help him feel better. He looked around my room at my posters like he was evaluating the teams I had represented there. He looked at my pile of sports equipment in the corner. "I just...I didn't think..." I held up my hand to stop him. "I hope you'll stop seeing me as the dumb jock and start seeing me as someone who cares about you. Because I do care." He blushed. "I don't think you're dumb." "Really now?" "I always knew you were different. You've always seemed smart to me. And like you cared a lot. You're the only one that never made fun of me." I shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant about it, but inside I was dancing. He remembered that I'd never bullied him. Which meant he'd noticed me. I don't know why that means so much to me but it really does. "I wish they wouldn't do that to you," I said. He shrugged and said, "It's not so bad." But I could tell he was lying. "Ayden, I'm going to try as hard as I can to get them to stop." He smiled, but didn't look like he believed me. "I'm serious." "I know you are, Josh, but those people won't change." "Well, they suck," I said and it sounded a lot like I was pouting. Ayden laughed a little bit. "You're so...I hate to keep saying different but, you really are." That made me do that little mental happy dance thing again. "I don't mind it. I want to show you I'm not like everyone else." "You're doing a good job so far," he said. The look in his eyes made it clear it would be OK for me to join him on the bed so I did. I settled comfortably beside Ayden and put my arm around him. He laid his head on my chest and just that simple action made me get a little hard. I shifted a little bit to allow some room in my pants. We laid like that for a while. I started playing with his hair. I could feel the heat coming off of his skin. He looked up at me, his eyes so wide and innocent. I pressed my lips against him, moving so that he was laying flat on his back and I was straddling his hips. When I looked down, I could see that he was just as turned on as me. I pressed my hips to his and rocked them back and forth a little. He gasped, staring up at me with a look that was a mixture of surprise and pleasure. I kissed him again, pressing my tongue into his mouth. I love how he always tastes like mint. I ran my tongue over his teeth and he pressed his tongue against mine. He moaned a little bit when I started moving my hips again. I felt like I was going to cum just from that, just from mimicking the motions of having sex with him. I liked how he looked up at me, how his legs were wrapped around my waist, and how his hands squeezed my shoulders. I kissed down his jaw, to his neck. The first marks I'd left had already faded and I got that caveman urge to mark him as my own again. I bit and sucked at his neck, earning a gasp and a moan. Suddenly, his hand shot down into my back pocket and started to push my hips against his faster and harder. I trailed kisses back up his jaw to his mouth. He quickly moved his hands down to my fly, undoing the button and the zipper fairly quickly even though his hands were shaking. I rested on the palms of my hands and looked at him. His lips were wet and red from our kissing. He was blushing a little bit and his eyes were like an open book showing how much he wanted me. I rolled to the side and he straddled my lap. I peeled the shirt he was wearing off of him and ran my hand down his chest. His little pink nipples hardened to points and he let out a soft moan when I pinched them at the same time. He kissed me and I was surprised at how much I like having him on top of me, kissing me. The surprised feeling faded quickly and I think it'll start fading more and more. Being with him feels natural. I pulled my shirt over my head and he looked down at my tanned abs. He looked at me a little uncertainly and tried to obscure my view of his body by ducking down and hugging me. I massaged his back. His skin is just so warm and smooth. My hands just traveled on their own it seemed, down to his ass. I love his ass. It's the perfect size to get a good grip on. I used that grip to pull his body forward so I could get my mouth on one of his nipples. I licked it and sucked it until it was a little red, but Ayden just kept moaning and panting. He was loving it and I was loving how much he was loving it. After that, Ayden was brave enough to reach his hand into my boxers and smear a bit of the pre-cum on the head of my dick. My whole body jerked in reaction to that, but I didn't want him to go much further. I wanted to make him feel good. I put an arm around him and rolled him onto his back. My hard cock escaped my jeans in the process and his hand wrapped around it immediately. I licked at his collarbone and ended up leaving another hickey on him because his hand moving up and down my shaft felt so good. I kissed my way down his stomach and he had to let go of my cock. I could see the outline of his erection against the material of the pajama pants he'd borrowed. I kissed around the outline and he squirmed a little bit, gasping and grabbing a handful of the comforter. I pulled the elastic of the waistband down, but stopped before his cock was free. I was really nervous, more nervous than I'd ever been. This was obviously my first time sucking a guy's cock and I hoped that I wasn't going to be bad at it. From the way Ayden reacted, I think I did a pretty good job. I pulled his pants down and his dick snapped up against his smooth stomach. His whole body is just so smooth. I started off slow, wrapping my hand around his cock and moving my fist up and down. It seemed surreal when I did it, but I wasn't scared or shocked at all. It felt natural. I licked the head of his cock and he took in a sharp breath. I kept licking his cock. It tasted a little salty, but mostly it was just warm and smooth like the rest of him. He was rock hard and breathing fast. I put my lips around just the head of his cock and swirled my tongue around. His hips thrust forward a little when he softly moaned and I allowed him to slide further into my mouth. It was a weird feeling, just not what I'm used to, but I really like it. I especially like how loud he moaned when I took in as much as I could. There was maybe an inch or two my gag reflex wouldn't allow, but otherwise I think I'm pretty good at it. I moved my head up and down and his cock slid in and out of my mouth. I took it all in and sucked, swirling my tongue around as I let it slide out of my mouth. The best part came when Ayden suddenly grabbed a fistful of my hair. I looked up at him. His eyes were closed and his mouth was open, mid-moan. His hips bucked forward and a shot of heat hit the back of my throat. His cum coated my entire mouth, a new but kind of great taste. He moaned and his breathing was fast as he moved his hips forward a little with every throb of his cock. I kept sucking, pausing to swallow once. When he was done I let his cock fall out of my mouth and swallowed the rest. I rolled over again and settled next to him. He looked up at me, I'm pretty sure it was in awe. "You..." he said. Just that. "Did you like that?" I asked. He nodded, giving me a quick kiss. "I didn't...I didn't expect that. I've never actually...uhm, never had a guy do that. I've only ever done it for other people." I messed up his hair and kissed his forehead. "I'm glad you liked it." "Do you want me to..." The answer came naturally to me. I didn't even think. "If you want to." I meant that. I honestly got satisfaction just from making him happy. "I want to," he whispered. Of course I was glad he said that, but I still would have held him if he'd said no. He moved down my body to my cock and took the whole thing in his mouth. My toes literally curled. And there it was, my constant wet dream coming true. His long bangs touched my stomach, making my entire body even more sensitive to him. His mouth was so warm and wet. He was amazing. The metal snakebite piercings created a great sort of feeling as they glided up and down my shaft while he bobbed his head. I grabbed his hair and he moaned while sucking my cock. That just pushed me over the edge. My hips slammed forward as I came. When looked up, I saw that he had my jizz on his chin and lips. I really wish I could have taken a picture of it. He looked so damn sexy that if I hadn't just came I would have then. He licked away the cum he could reach with his tongue and I reached down, gathering what he hadn't gotten already on my finger. He sucked it off my finger. Just sucked it right off. Then my second fantasy came true. I wrapped him in my arms and he drifted off to sleep. I still can't believe it happened. It was so amazing. At this point, I have no doubts. I'm gay. And I love Ayden. I want to tell him, but I don't want to freak him out. I really had to bite my tongue not to say it when he was pulling his clothes out of the dryer and getting dressed to go back home. Watching him leave was torture. Mom got home ten minutes after he left with Chinese takeout, but I didn't want to eat. I could still taste hints of his cum and his minty mouth. I must have been smiling a lot because Mom then said the one thing that killed my buzz. "Wow, you must really like this girl you've been going out with. When am I going to meet her?" Fuck. I never mentioned the break up and so now Mom thinks I'm lovesick over Chelsea.. I went into panic mode and came straight to bed. I still don't have any idea what I'm going to do. I'd rather not worry about that right now, but still. I tend to worry sometimes. ::::::::::::::::::::: I got to the school a lot earlier than I intended to because I wanted to avoid talking to my mom. It should be easy since today is game day and the bus ride is going to be really long. In fact, I just got on the bus and will be on here a few hours. Ayden won't be going with us because he had to work. I'm glad for that. I mean, I wish that he could be with me but the guys on the team would harass him. I'm scared for the next time he rides on the bus with us. I'm just going to have to put him in the seat with me and not let anyone near him. I also wish that Kitty was here. I just texted her about hooking up with Ayden, minus all the details that are still playing over and over in my mind. I basically just said that Ayden and I are pretty much a couple now, I just haven't officially asked him. I'm going to. I had the idea earlier to ask him in front of his sisters. I bet they'd love that and he likes seeing them happy, so I want them to witness it. Hopefully it'll be something they can tell to our adopted kids, if we decide to do that. Yeah...I couldn't sleep last night so I let myself come up with this whole future for us that probably won't ever happen. Still, its nice to picture it. I never thought I'd be having a white picket fence daydream at all and definitely never thought the person next to me on the front porch swing would be a guy. But I want Ayden with me. I'm a little scared at how fast I've fallen for him now that I'm not trying to fight falling. I'm nervous that he doesn't feel the same way. What if I'm just making a fool of myself? Love is stupid. I'm pretty sure if I weren't still feeling residual ecstasy from the other day with Ayden, I'd be weeping right now. Why is this so hard to figure out? I do love him. I don't feel weird saying that. What I feel weird about is telling people. I shouldn't have to feel that way. I imagine Kitty is still squealing on the band bus judging by the number of smiley faces and exclamation points in the text I just got from her. But besides that, she also reassured me that everything is going to be OK. I'm gonna try to believe her. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Surprise, we lost the game. Wait, that's not a surprise. It just pisses me off so much. The other guys on the team are still acting like dumb asses. Toward the end of the game they were actually on the sidelines talking about where the parties were going to be. While the game was still going on. I'm going to try to sleep for the rest of this bus ride so I don't end up getting myself in trouble. ::::::::::::::::::::::::: Ayden called me really early this morning and I almost didn't wake up. I must have sounded still half asleep on the phone because he immediately started apologizing and saying it didn't matter and for me to go back to sleep. Finally I got him to go ahead and tell me what he'd called for. "I just...wondered if you could come over and help me out...I'm sick." He did sound sort of stuffed up and hell I would have gone for any reason. I ran out to my truck and was at his house in record time. He answered the door in pajamas. His hair was sticking up a little on one side and his nose was red. He looked happy to see me, but that was diminished by a fit of coughing. He braced himself against the door frame until it passed. "Hey," I said as I hugged him. Germs don't bother me. I have an immune system of steel. "Thank you for coming over," he said. His voice was a little raspy. He shuffled back to their kitchen where he was boiling water for macaroni and cheese. His mom waddled into the kitchen and shoved past him on her way to the refrigerator. "Faggot, I told you to bring your dad and I some food first," she said. I was about to go off on her, but the little girls had noticed me and rushed in. "Are we going for pizza?" Mary asked excitedly. "Pizza, pizza," the twins chanted. "Peepa," the baby cooed. His mom waddled off giving me a dirty look that I made sure to reciprocate. "No pizza today," I said. "We're going to take care of your big brother. He doesn't feel good." The three youngest ones looked disappointed, but Mary surprised me by cheering them up. "We get to be doctors!" she said. Her enthusiasm spread. They pulled Ayden by the hands and he gave me a grateful look. I finished up making lunch for his sisters. When I called them to come eat, they wouldn't come. They had pulled out boxes of band-aids and found a toy stethoscope and were ready to start 'surgery'. I finally got them to go on 'lunch break' and while they ate I sat next to Ayden, who was laying on a mattress that rested on the floor next to a pile of clothes. "Uh...this is my room," he said shyly, coughing a little. His room was sort of messy with clothes and shoes thrown wherever and a pile of Cds in the corner not even stacked up. My inner neat freak was silent and I actually found his sloppiness a little cute. "Still feeling bad?" I asked. He nodded. "I'm sorry to bother you I just didn't know who else to call and I didn't think I could keep taking care of them much longer. I'm so tired." I nodded. "You rest. I'll take care of your sisters." I spent the rest of the day with the little kids. I had to compromise with them to get them to leave Ayden alone and ended up being the patient in their doctor game. They quickly figured out I'm a push over so I was into round two hundred and fifty of piggy back rides when Ayden shuffled out of his room. I stood up immediately and went to him. He looked a lot better. "How do you feel?" I asked. He smiled. "Good. I think a nap was just what I needed. I didn't expect you to stay for so long." I looked at the clock and realized my mom was probably wondering where I was, but I didn't want to leave Ayden just yet. I made him a cup of broth and watched his sip it until it was gone. I made a quick dinner for his sisters and then hugged him good bye for a long time. He didn't want me to get sick, so he wouldn't let me kiss his mouth. I wish he would have though. Instead, I had to make do with just kissing his forehead. Josh's Journal Ch. 08 Thanks everyone for reading. It means so much to me that you enjoy what I write. I'm trying to update as often as possible, but I'm going to need a little understanding from all of you. Leaving me a comment demanding more frequent, longer chapters does nothing to reduce the amount of time that college and work takes up. So we're going to have to come to an agreement. I can do shorter, more frequent chapters. Or longer but less frequent ones. Let me know what you would like better. Love&Rockets, kitten2010 ********************************** I hated seeing Ayden at school today but being afraid to show him any affection. I got a lot of grief for even talking to him to make sure that he was feeling better. I wish he would get mad at me for it or something. I feel like a coward hiding it and that just makes me angry. I don't like carrying all this anger around, but what choice do I have? I wouldn't care if it were just me, but Ayden would surely get a lot of hell if we were open about our relationship. It's not even that I'm afraid of my peers. Frankly, it would suck, but high school ends eventually. What really scares me is not knowing if my mom would still accept me. Would she still be able to look me in the eye if she knew? ::::::::::::::: Ayden was sobbing when he called in the middle of the night. It was so bad that I couldn't understand him. I lied to my mom and said Kitty had hit a deer and needed my help, rushing out before my mom could question why Kitty hadn't called her father. I found Ayden walking down his road, and slowed to a stop. He was still crying and I held on to him tightly. I could see flashing blue and red lights in the distance. "What happened?" I asked. He broke down, falling into my arms and eventually I managed to piece together a story. His father had been shot. His mother was implicated. The girls were being taken away by the state. I didn't really know what to tell him. I can't imagine how he felt just then. I just let him cry on me and kept muttering stupid, generic phrases: "It's alright.", "I'm here now.", "Everything will be OK." He started to say something, "I just don't..." He started to cry more. I was panicking, full on. I had no idea how to help him. It made me feel crazy and I probably would have attacked anyone that tried to approach us at that point. Finally, sanity returned to me, in a way. Kitty called and I answered right away, "Why does your mom think I killed Bambi?" she asked. "Kitty...it's Ayden..." "Where are you?" "His road." "I'll be there." Kitty arrived with her mom and the two of them swooped down on him with a hand-knitted blanket. They offered him a place to stay on their couch while everything got sorted out. I can't believe that this happened to him and I'm really afraid that I'm not the person he needs to help him. I don't know if I'm strong enough, but I do know that I'll do everything I can for him. :::::::::::::::: I was exhausted at school and distracted as well. Everyone was talking about Ayden, still making fun of him. It disgusted me so much to the point that I did end up getting into a few heated arguments, one that escalated into a fist fight in the locker room, but I didn't get any grief for it from the school. When my last class was over I sprinted out to my truck and was the first out of the parking lot. I made what should have been a fifteen minute drive in nine minutes and rushed inside Kitty's house to see if Ayden was doing alright. He was sleeping on the couch, but he still looked so tired. I didn't mean to wake him up when I kissed his cheek, it just happened that way. He stared at me for a moment and then reached over and brushed his fingers over the shiner on my eye, "What happened?" "Nothing, baby," I said. "Do you feel alright?" He sighed. "I feel like it was just a dream or something. I got news about my sisters though. They're safe and that's what matters but I really miss them." I hugged him, really hoping that that was enough. It seemed like it was. I started to feel like maybe I do have it in me after all to be the man he deserves. That made me feel brave and so I said, "I want you to stay with me," I said. It wasn't really as brave as it sounded, considering my mom is on an overnight business trip, but I don't mean for just one night. I want him with me as long as possible. I don't care if we have to leave and get our own place somewhere. I could probably afford it for a little while anyway. "Are you sure?" he asked. "I need to take care of you like a good boyfriend should." "Boyfriend?" "Yes, if you want." I'd pictured plenty ways to ask him out officially, but that hadn't really been one of them. He was blushing and it was adorable. "I'd like that," he said. I was so happy at that point I just picked him up and carried him out to my truck and brought him home with me. :::::::::::::::::: I attempted to cook for him and then ended up running to get a pizza. We ate and then ended up just laying in my bed. I was trying to hold back from getting sexual with Ayden. I figured it was the last thing he would want right now. He laid his head on my chest and I was rubbing his back. It all started when his shirt just happened to scrunch up and suddenly I was rubbing bare skin. I could see the goosebumps and feel the heat coming off of him. He pulled away a little and said, "I feel so guilty." I sat up and kissed the side of his head. "You have a right to do what makes you happy." He ran his hand through his hair. "I shouldn't be happy...I should be..." "What? What should you be?" He sighed. "I don't know. I just feel wrong for laying here in bed with you and feeling so safe and cared for when I should be doing that for my sisters." I wrapped my arms around him. I'm not sure where I found the words that came next, but it all spilled out. "I know that you've spent so long feeling responsible for them and I really admire that, baby. But right now they're with a family that's going to take good care of them and they have each other and the lessons you taught them. They're going to be just fine, I promise. They'll take care of each other. You need to worry about yourself. You deserve it and if you don't believe me then I'm going to try to prove it every day until you do. You're beautiful, Ayden. You deserve to have someone take care of you and that's what I intend to do because I know it's probably been a long time since you had that. Give me a chance to do as much for you as you've already done for me." He studied me for a while and then smiled. "Josh, that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." After that, we didn't talk much. I put my hand on his back, under his shirt. We were kissing and laid back down. It was getting dark outside, but it didn't matter. I still hadn't done any of my homework, but that didn't matter either. It was like it was just the two of us in the world. We'd take breaks from kissing and just lay there. I pulled off my shirt and then took his off, just to enjoy the skin on skin. I've never experienced anything like that and I thought it was only something they put in girly romance novels to get better sales. But it was real. For some reason I thought of that song about swinging life away and I smiled because that's what we were doing, minus the swing of course. It all made sense though. This was the kind of contentment that I don't think I could ever get bored with. I slid down a little bit and started to kiss his chest. For some reason I was fixated on his nipples and just kept licking them and giving them gentle bites. I could feel his body moving under my hand when I did that, how he enjoyed it. I moved down to his belly button and then back up to his neck. He was shaking a little now and I love that. Just thinking about that makes me feel amazing. All I wanted to do was give him the pleasure I'd just said he deserved and that's what it was going to be about. I was determined of that. So when he went for my button and zipper I stopped him and started going down on him, running my tongue just above the waistband of those red and white checkered boxers of his. I tugged at his pants and the row of four buttons flew open for me. I managed to get him out of those tight pants with a little work and then returned to kissing his stomach. Every time he made one of those little soft moaning sounds, I teased him even more, putting my hand over his erection and eventually pulling his boxers down and touching my tongue to the head of his cock as lightly as I could manage. I was really enjoying just watching him get more and more turned on as I slowly ran my tongue up and down his thighs. I remembered reading about something called rimming. I didn't think then that I would be comfortable doing it, but I wanted to work my way up to it. From what I read, it seemed to be something both of us could enjoy, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that he would enjoy it. I had to work my way up to that and instead focused on giving the best blow job I could. I licked all over his cock, getting it glistening with spit before I slid it all into my mouth. I fought down my gag reflex and took a peak up at Ayden. He had an expression on his face that I wish I could have taken a picture of. Just the way his eyes were closed and his cheeks were pink and his mouth was open and how his lips formed my name when he whispered, "Josh." I started working my way closer to rimming, letting his cock slip out of my mouth ran my tongue down to his ball sac. It was so smooth that I just licked there for a while and it was actually kind of awesome. I worked up my courage and put a hand behind each of his knees, pushing his legs apart and his hips forward. I never knew an ass hole could be cute, but his was. It was pink and it was actually kind of pretty in a way. I leaned forward and licked across the tight opening once. His whole body jolted and he let out a little surprised squeak, but I kept him relatively still and licked him there again. I was actually enjoying the way that pretty pink hole would tighten and spasm when I licked it. I really never expected to like doing that as much as I did, but I really did like it. I loved how much Ayden seemed to enjoy it. I continued licking quickly and then slowly, I pressed the tip of my tongue at the entrance of his hole just to see what would happen. His hand tangled in my hair and was pulling it a little. I was still grinning though because I could tell that I was really doing an awesome thing there. I felt great being able to make him squirm and moan like that. Not only because it pretty much doubled the size of my ego, but because he really deserved to feel good and I was a part of it. But mostly, in the moment at least, I was just feeling good about being the stud that can make him moan and shake with just my tongue. My tongue slipped inside of him. He was really tight and I had to sort of push to keep in there. He called out my name again, louder this time, "Josh!" I pulled back a little and coated my middle finger with spit as I slowly started to work his cock with my other hand. I pressed my finger inside of him, feeling how tight he was around me. I was careful not to hurt him. I started moving my finger in and out faster once I felt like he was ready for that and I was jacking his cock faster too. When I saw him cum, I felt like it couldn't be real. It was too amazing, too mind blowingly sexy to be real. His cum came out in long strings, one that shot out onto his chest and then a few onto his stomach, and then one on my hand. And the whole time, his asshole got tighter and tighter around my finger like he was drawing me in. I was so turned on at that point that I just quickly whipped out my cock and jacked it furiously until my cum spilled out onto Ayden's stomach and mixed with his. And then I was holding him again. His skin was sticky with our combined spunk, but I didn't care. It was amazing just to be that close to him. I guess that's why I said, "I love you." After I said it, my mind went crazy calling me an idiot and it was fucking paralyzing waiting in silence for his reaction. "I love you too," he said. I kissed the top of his head and continued to hold him there. We fell asleep like that, naked and covered in cum. It was amazing. Unfortunately, morning showed up way too early. And so did my mom. I was slow to wake up. I really thought it was a dream, but it was real. My mother was standing in the doorway, the sound of her dropping her luggage in shock had woken me up. Her face was the epitome of shocked and all I could think to do was help Ayden cover up and then search for some shorts to put on as I started to chase her down the hall. I couldn't think of a good alternative explanation as to why I would be in my bed holding onto a naked boy while I too was naked. I finally caught up with her in her room and blocked the doorway. "Mom, I'm gay," I said. "I'm sorry..." I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for, whether it was for fooling around while she was away, or for how she found out, or for not telling her I was gay, or for being gay in the first place. She started crying and I really didn't know what to do. She wouldn't talk to me, she just kept weeping like I was dead or something. "Mom," I said. But she just kept on crying and I really needed her to stop and tell me it was OK. For as much as I try to act like a big tough adult, that all went to shit. I was standing there like I was five years old again needing my mom to tell me it was all OK and that she loved me anyway. Finally she did talk, but just to say, "Give me some time, Josh." Sadness and anger hit me at once. I was sad, afraid that this was just the first step of her not wanting anything to do with me. And I was angry. Angry that for all those parenting books and magazines and websites she obsessed over, she failed me right then. :::::::::::::::::: Ayden and I both skipped school today, after my morning run in with my mom. We got dressed and left with no particular destination in mind. We couldn't really go anywhere. We still look like high school kids and the last thing we needed was truancy charges. We ended up just driving around until lunch time and we really only stopped then because I was running out of gas. Having him with me was the best thing for me at that point. I still was boiling with sadness and anger and disappointment and fear. :::::::::::::::::: It was evening before my mom would leave her room. Ayden had decided to stay at Kitty's house, not wanting to cause any more drama. That just added to the anger I carried with me when I came inside my house. But it all went away when my mom said, "I love you no matter what and nothing will change that. I'm still trying to process all this, but I'm always here for you son." And to prove that she had come to terms with that she gave me a half hour lecture about why condoms are still important. Josh's Journal Ch. 09 I told my mom about what had happened to Ayden's family and she agreed that he could come stay with us if he wanted to. She wants him to sleep in the guest room though and I hate that. Its not like I'd have sex with him when my mom is home. That would be kind of weird. I just liked sleeping with him in my arms. Ayden still doesn't want to go back to school and I don't blame him. I don't really want to go either. It's Homecoming Week. And it's annoying. During the week, I know I can avoid it. What I'm not looking forward to is the damn football game when they have the football players all line up and call their numbers and their 'sweetheart' joins them and everyone poses for stupid pictures. I don't even know when that stupid tradition got started. Everyone expects me to have some girl come out on the field for me. It's not really a rule that it has to be a girlfriend, I could have my mom or really any female be there if I wanted to. I wish that Ayden could come out there for me and it not be a big deal. In fact, if I got to see him under the lights maybe I wouldn't hate the stupid thing so much. :::::::::::::: He had a nightmare. I've never been more worried. I heard him from my room and I went from asleep to awake by his side in less than a minute. He was so loud that my mom appeared at the door. We exchanged looks, me showing with my eyes that I had this covered and her showing that I sure as hell better keep everything covered. He lay against my chest, shaking a bit. He sighed and said, "I'm sorry." "It's alright. I'm here for you. Do you want to...I dunno, talk about it?" It was quiet for a while, but I could tell he was still awake. The room lit up and then went dark to the pattern of the lightening outside. I pulled the curtains open and the blinds up and we laid on the bed, watching the sky out the window. Finally, he started talking. "After it happened, I saw everything. I saw his body his head was...it was bloody and like...splatters everywhere on the wall...I see that every time I close my eyes." "I'm sorry, baby," I said. I pulled him a little closer. I really just wanted to hold on to him. "I grew up hating him." Ayden was shaking even more now. "He used to hold me under the bath water for so long, until I passed out. When I woke up, he told me I was weak. I felt weak...I felt ugly. He made me hate myself. I don't even think I'm worth this. I...I don't want to be broken and worthless anymore." "You're not," I said. My throat was dry. I really didn't know what to do. He was crying. "I hate who I am, Josh. I don't even know when I started to but I do. I don't want to face it anymore. The things people have said and done to me...Josh, I'm not strong enough." "You are strong, Ayden. You don't have to be alone anymore, I'll be here for you. I'll protect you." "I'm scared, Josh. I can't be hurt anymore. I can't take it." I felt how vulnerable he was just then and how scared. I saw all the effects of the abuse he'd endured at home and at school. It made me mad at the unfairness of it all. I could still see the beauty there though. I saw the caring soul, the gentleness. I held him close to me and kissed his forehead. He was still shaking. "I don't know what to do right now, so I'm just going to hold you and remind you that you're beautiful." "How can I be?" "You are strong, even if you don't feel that way right now. You're stronger than me, stronger than anyone I've ever known. It's true, Ayden. You'll make it, I know you will." "I'm afraid I can't this time." "You can because I'll be here." "Promise?" I smiled because he sounded like a little kid just then. "I promise." I think that's what it means to be a man. Well, part of it. I have to be true to my word. I'm going to help him through this and anything else that comes his way because that's what he deserves. There's nothing I wouldn't do to make him see himself the way I see him. ::::::::::::: The week was a blur of stupidity. Luckily, people were distracted by homecoming traditions so they didn't talk about Ayden very much. Some of them still did though. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. It just doesn't seem right to me. I've been thinking all week though, about the stupid tradition at the football game. How maybe I could have Ayden be the one to come when my number is called. It seems dangerous, but maybe I could pull it off. I only hesitate because if anything happened to Ayden it would be my fault. I'd do all that I can to protect him, but sometimes you just never know. So its just running circles in my head. Taking a stand versus playing it safe. ::::::::::::::: I decided I'm going to do it. When they call my number, Ayden will be the one that comes out to greet me. I went to tell him and walked in on him changing his tongue ring. I'd forgotten he had it because he keeps a clear retainer in it most of the time. He hadn't seen me come up and I watched him maneuver his tongue around, examining the little piece of metal. "Damn, that's sexy," I said. Ayden jumped and knocked a hairbrush off the counter. He blushed a bit as he bent to pick it up. I regretted that I was not at a good angle to see his ass. "Are you going to the football game?" I asked. He bit his lip, playing with his snakebite. I'd never thought I'd find piercings so sexy, but now there's just something about that shiny metal against his skin that makes me go crazy. "I was thinking about it." "I want you to be there," I said. "You know tonight is homecoming?" "Yeah." "Well its tradition for all the guys' numbers to be called at the end and their date or their mom or whatever come out onto the field with them..." His eyes got wide when he realized where I was going with that. "Josh..." "If you don't want to, I understand. I'm just tired of hiding. I'm not ashamed of you." "I know you're not," he whispered. He had his hand pressed over his heart and he still looked so surprised. "I'm scared of what might happen." "Me too," I admitted. "But I want to take a chance. You in?" He was silent for a moment. "Yes." :::::::::::::: It was fourth quarter, a minute left, fourth and goal. We trailed by two points and we had the ball. It was all on that moment. First win or another loss. I don't remember exactly what happened. I took the snap and was looking for my man. I was in trouble. And then I blacked out for a minute. When I finally snapped out of it, an EMT was poking at my shoulder. There was applause when I was able to make it up, but the game was over. We got to retry fourth down, but the second string guy is a moron. The other team took a knee and it was over. I felt awful. We were so close. So damn close. And I was on the sidelines getting my arm put in a sling. The guys lined up and numbers started. I tore away from the paramedic and took my place. I was not going to lose twice. Finally, "Number twenty-three, Joshua Willis." Ayden hesitated at first, but I saw Kitty was with him and she gave him a shove. There was a murmur of confusion as he walked onto the field. He looked so amazing. His hair moved a bit as he walked, revealing both his eyes in their mismatched beauty. His piercings glinted in the light. Finally he was in front of me. "We're gonna get killed," he whispered. I smiled and silenced him with a kiss. The crowd was silenced too. The guys around me stared in disbelief. Everyone in the stadium was staring. I took Ayden by the hand and led him off the field before pandemonium broke out. I know there will be hell to pay later, but I've never felt more alive than I did right at that moment. We climbed into my truck and I drove off. I was still high from the experience, but he seemed a little nervous. "That was stupid," he said. "They're going to kill us." "We'll be fine. I can take care of myself and you." "We're dead..." I pulled down a dead end road and sped to the end of it, parking in a little gravel turn around. I grabbed him and pulled him toward me, kissing him roughly. "I love you," I growled, pulling him even closer. "I don't regret it. I'm glad they know you're mine." "I love you too," he whispered. We made out there for a while. My cock was about to crack through my cup. I wanted him bad. I jumped out of the truck and clumsily got myself out of my football stuff. Cows stared at my exposed junk so I was quick about it. His hand wrapped around my cock as I kissed him, playing with that little barbell in his mouth. It felt so cool and I couldn't wait to see how it felt other places. He darted down and kissed at my stomach, my thighs. He gave a playful bite and I threw my head back. "Damn, you're amazing," I said. He paused. "You're the amazing one. Josh, thank you." "What for?" I asked. "For not being ashamed. For showing me that I'm worth love." "Baby, you are worth it." I put my hand on the side of his head and pulled him up so I could kiss his cheek. "I love you," I said again. Ayden replied, "I love you too." Slowly, he lowered his head back to my cock. He took it into his mouth, that little piece of metal sliding against all the right places. His mouth was unbelievably warm and wet and he sucked perfectly. I looked down at his lips, that pretty metal lightly touching my balls as he took my entire cock in his mouth. My eyes nearly rolled back in my head and I could feel my toes curling. "Damn, baby, that's amazing," I grunted out as I felt myself going over the edge fast. I emptied into his mouth and he made a wet slurping sound as he tried to swallow it all, but still it covered his lips and that pretty metal. I pushed him back across the seat and pulled his zipper down, rubbing my hand at his groin as I kissed him. I kissed his neck, leaving two marks right next to each other. "You're worth it," I whispered into his ear. "You're beautiful and you deserve the best." He arched his back and softly replied, "Thank you." I pulled his pants and underwear down, looking up at him as I started to lick and suck him. I reached up and put my hand over his heart, feeling its frantic beating. It ended up being more like my hand around his neck, but he seemed to be into that. He was moving his ass around and I kept sucking him till he came with a soft cry. Josh's Journal Ch. 10 I wasn't as nervous about returning to school until that morning. I spent the entire drive mentally kicking myself. Ayden was beside me and I could tell he was watching me, so I tried to keep my fear hidden. After all, I was the one who got us in this stupid situation so I had to be the one to stay strong through it. It's hard to say what I felt. I'd never regret letting the world know who I am and who I love, but it really felt a lot like regret. I guess mostly I was just scared for Ayden. My real regret was possibly endangering him. I had to put on my best brave face asI parked my truck and we went inside the school. It was like that moment in the movies, where a character walks in and the buzz of conversation just stops and everyone stares. I used to think those scenes were so fake. There was no way that could actually happen. Well, I was wrong. Turns out, that does happen. "I think I'm gonna be sick," Ayden whispered. I put my arm around his shoulders and curled him in to my chest. I wanted to protect him from all the stares. There were a few gasps at me hugging him, like that was some horrible thing. I thought about flipping them off, but Ayden was more important. "I can drive you back home," I said. "You don't have to be here." "No," he said. "I should be here for you." I could have kissed him right there. I would've too, but the school bell rang. I sighed and looked at him. "Good luck today," he said, but he didn't move away from me. "It's gonna be fine," I said. He smiled at me, but I could tell he was still terrified. I watched him reluctantly turn and leave. I stood there until I saw him enter the administration office. It had been decided he would still be doing his classwork there, for his own safety. I was definitely glad for that. I went to my first class and the looks I got made it clear I wouldn't be welcome to sit in my usual seat surrounded by my friends. I went to the creaky, broken desk in the back corner and put in one ear bud. Ayden had put a bunch of new songs on my iPod and I really needed to keep him on my mind so I wouldn't do anything stupid. Chelsea was in my class and through the music I heard her sobbing. Though I knew I would regret it, I turned off the music just in time to hear her saying, "He doesn't even care! He doesn't even care that our baby is dead!" At that point everyone turned to glare at me. I should have known Chelsea wouldn't have been able to stand not being the center of attention. The looks on everyone's faces made me pretty sure if there had been any spare wood on hand, they probably would have burned me at the stake. I knew I didn't deserve it, but it's pretty damn hard to stay confident in that when the people you grew up with look ready to kill you. I guess I'm not completely innocent. It was wrong of me to use Chelsea to figure out my sexuality. Maybe my coming out shouldn't have been so public. But I don't think any of that should have earned me an old-school Catholic punishment. Luckily, the teacher came in and started the lesson. I put my music back on and doodled in my book. I thought about going all Cartman on the situation. Just saying, "Screw you guys, I'm going home." That's what sucks about growing up. That's not an option. I'd have to face it eventually. After the bell, I waited for everyone to clear out. I half expected there to be a group waiting for me in the hall, but there wasn't. That should have been my first clue something was wrong. In fact, after that, the whole day felt surreal. I got the angry looks and the whispers behind the back, but I kept expecting something worse. "Are you OK?" Kitty asked at lunch. I sighed. "Yeah. I just feel weird about everything." "Well...I don't know what to tell you, Josh. You pretty much shocked a lot of people. And I'm sure you've heard what Chelsea's been saying..." "You know that's all bullshit!" Kitty patted my shoulder. "I know, Josh. But people are on edge. Mr. Harvey had a heart attack yesterday and some people are—" I cut her off. "They're fucking blaming me for that? I didn't even really know the guy!" "I know, but people are saying he was really shocked at what happened." "So what else am I being accused of here? All I fucking did was kiss my boyfriend!" Kitty looked around. "Lower your voice, Joshua," she said in a stern tone. "Look, surely you knew that coming out like that would shock the town and if not then you're a dumbass." I felt my eyes go wide. She never talked like that. "You're a brave dumbass, though," she added. "And I'm proud of you." She patted my shoulder again. "And you know I'll always be here for you and Ayden." I sighed and rubbed my forehead. "I have a really bad feeling about today," I admitted. "Well...obviously." I smiled at her attempted humor. "Just make sure Ayden's alright. I don't want anything bad to happen to him." "Josh, it's sweet that you want to protect him, but you have to realize he knew just as well as you what could happen if he walked onto the field...and he did it anyway." I left the cafeteria feeling very lucky to have Ayden, but still incredibly stupid for making my political statement in a stadium full of bigots. *** I texted Kitty and asked her to take Ayden home for me. I had football practice and I didn't want him to have to hang around. As soon as that text was sent, I got one from my mom. She was worried about my day and I told her everything was OK. I went into the locker room and everyone was there waiting for me. No one was changing or anything. I felt like my heart had jumped into my throat. Of course, I'd expected this, but there was no way I was missing practice. I wasn't going to give the coaches any reason to kick me off the team. I looked around awkwardly. "Uh...hey," I said. I was proud my voice didn't crack. "Hey, faggot," Cameron said. He spat at my shoes. "Guys, we need to get going. Practice starts soon," I said. I went to my locker, but I was careful not to turn my back on them. "Yeah, you would want us to get naked," Eric accused. "Fucking queer!" Laramie added. "Guys, chill the fuck out. None of you are my type," I said. It was getting harder to keep my cool. "Yeah, you prefer to take it in the ass from faggy emo kids," Cameron said. Everyone got a good laugh out of that. "Fuck off," I muttered. "What was that?" Cameron said, playing to his audience. "Fuck off," I repeated, louder. "It's none of your business what I do or who I do it with." The three of them were circling me now, with a few other guys behind them. "We don't appreciate queers in our locker room," Eric said. The others nodded in agreement. My shirt ripped a bit as I was forced to the ground. They started kicking me. Most of the blows landed against my stomach, but a few hit my head. It seemed like the guys that weren't kicking me were cheering the ones who were on. It was clear no one was going to help. I wasn't going to let them get away with it. I grabbed one guy's ankle and held on. It was futile, but there was no fucking way anyone was gonna say I didn't fight back. At some point, I guess I blacked out. *** Next thing I knew, I was in the emergency room. Ayden was holding my hand. I was definitely glad to see him. I tried to sit up and kiss him, but pain stopped me. "You have a broken rib," he said. He gently pushed my hair back and kissed my forehead. I loved the gesture, but it felt kinda weird being so helpless. "They really hurt you." He looks like he might cry. "I'll be alright, babe. Did anyone hurt you?" "I'm fine, Josh. Don't worry about me. Are you in pain? I can get the doctor. He's outside talking to your mom." "No, baby, just stay right here," I said. I winced and tried to sit up. "Stop that," he said. "You're really hurt." "I'm fine. I've had a broken rib before." My tone was harsher than I intended. I guess my pride was hurt. Any guy's ego would be wounded after losing a fight like that. I sighed. "I'm sorry, Ayden." "It's alright," he said. "I know you're hurt, but I'll take care of you." He smiled and leaned closer to me. "I love you," he whispered. "I love you too," I replied. Just hearing those words from him helped me so much. I was distracted from the pain. I was too caught up in looking at him. His hair was a black mess like always and his beautiful eyes were shining for me. *** I was cleared to go home. My mom was very upset. Unfortunately, her boss was adding to her stress and she was on the phone with him the entire time. He wanted her to go on a last minute trip to take care of an emergency. He wasn't taking no for an answer. In the end, I heard him telling her that if she wasn't there tonight, she'd lose her job. Mom and Ayden helped me inside even though I didn't really need it. Or at least, I wanted to believe I didn't need it. "I don't want to leave you," Mom said. She was stressing out bad. "Mom, I'll be OK. I have Ayden to help me and if there's anything he can't handle, I can call Kitty's mom." Mom still looked mad but she packed up and left. "I'll call to check on you," she said. "You take it easy. And take the medicine the doctor gave you. And you boys make sure you have enough to eat. Do you need money?" "Mom, I'll be fine." She drug out the good bye for a while longer, before she left. I did wish she could have stayed home, but I understand how her job can be, even if I'm not always sure exactly what it is she does. Something with banks, I guess. Ayden helped me to my bed. "I'll make you some dinner," he offered. "I just want a drink. Water is fine." He walked away and even though I was in pain, I still noticed how damn good his ass looked in those jeans. He brought back my water and I gulped it down. I couldn't help but take a swipe at his cute little ass when he was taking my glass back to the kitchen. He laughed. "Josh, you need to rest." "I know something that'd help me get to sleep faster." "We shouldn't...you're hurt." "Come on," I said. "Just give me a little something." He blushed. "You're crazy." "Only because you make me that way," I said with a grin. "Josh..." I threw the blanket back and pulled my half-stiff cock out of my shorts. "Please." He laughed a bit and blushed even deeper. "How can you even be horny right now?" "Have you seen your ass today?" He sighed and rolled his eyes at me. "I guess you win this time," he said. I gestured for him to come over, but he didn't comply right away. Instead, he slowly took his shirt off. He instantly had my attention. He dropped his shirt on the floor and ran his hands over his exposed stomach. He bit his lip when his hands brushed over his nipples. My cock was fully hard and almost aching for him. He unbuttoned his jeans and pulled the zipper down. He gave me a shy smile before he turned around to give me a full view of his ass as he pushed the tight denim down his legs. He stepped out of his jeans and turned to look at me. "Get over here," I said. He dropped his underwear down and lost them on his way over to me. He was above me on all fours, careful not to rest any weight on me. I reached up and played with his nipples as we made out. He was sort of humping the air and after a while he started to work his way down. He took my cock in his mouth and I tried to push my hips towards him, but he kept me from doing that. He continued working my cock and not letting me help at all. I grabbed a handful of his hair and tried not to pull it when I came. He moaned at that, which just added to it all. I wanted to return the favor, but he made me stay laying down. He settled in the bed beside me and slowly pumped his cock. I put my arm around his shoulder and whispered in his ear, "Baby, you're so sexy right now." His toes were curling and he was biting his lip. He let out a soft little moan. "You're beautiful," I whispered. "I love you." His breath hitched a bit and cum spurted onto his stomach. "I love you too," he replied softly. "Thanks so much for that," I said. "Are you still feeling good?" he asked. "No pain?" "I feel great," I said. "All I need from you is to stay right here beside me." Josh's Journal Ch. 11 I was sore the next morning when I woke up. I glanced at the clock and saw I'd overslept by about fifteen minutes. Ayden wasn't in the room with me. I slowly got myself out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen. He was already dressed and was scrambling eggs. "I'm making you breakfast," he said. "I was going to bring it to you." "I need to get ready for school," I said. His eyes got wide and it was so damn cute I wanted to laugh, but I didn't because I knew he was worried about me. "Josh, you're hurt. You need to stay home and rest." "I'm not going to let them win." "It's not about winning, Josh," he said. He dropped his spatula and turned to stare at me. "What if they try to hurt you again? What if it's worse this time? What if..." He stopped and I felt guilty for the tears on his cheeks. "I don't want anything to happen to you," he barely whispered. I reached out to him and held him against my chest. "It's alright, Ayden. I know you're scared. I'm actually kind of scared too. I know it's stupid to keep picking a fight with them, but...look. This town is..." I searched for the right word, but I never found it. "You know how it is." He sniffed and put his arm around my shoulders. "You saw how fast they all turned on me. And for what? I'm still the same person I was before. Actually, I'm better than before, because I have you. It's because I have you that I want to stand up for myself. I'm not gonna hide from them. Things are never going to change if someone doesn't do something. I think it should be me." I sighed and winced at the pain in my side. "I keep thinking about how people bullied you and how hurt and alone you must have felt. Then I think about how it'll happen to some other kid and another one after that. Until one day one of them commits suicide like those kids on the news. I don't want that to happen." He looked up at me and wiped his eyes. He seemed like he couldn't find the words to respond, but the look in his eyes was enough to let me know that he would stand beside me and maybe together we would at least make people think. I kissed him and he smiled as he pulled away. "I think I burned your breakfast," he said. He took the skillet off the burner and poked at the dried out, brown eggs with the spatula. I smiled. "I'm going to need your help getting dressed," I said. He shook his head and laughed a little. "Normally you're trying to get me to take your clothes off." I laughed a little even though it hurt. "Well, I can't help the effect you have on me. Maybe if you didn't wear those sexy jeans, it'd be easier for me." "Who says I want it to stop?" he said. He bit his lip and then turned to lead the way to my bedroom. "Hell yeah," I said and I followed after him. I finally caught him when he reached the doorway to my room. I gave him a light slap on the ass and then turned him around so I could kiss him. He made the cutest little surprised squeak, but didn't put up any fight. I figured we were gonna be late to school anyway so I grabbed his ass with both hands and slowly led him back to the bed. He dropped to his knees right there, rubbing his hand against the hard bulge in his pants. He looked up at me, biting his lip like he always did when I got him riled up. He licked his lips and went for my cock. He took almost all of it in his mouth and I knew I couldn't last long. He moaned when I grabbed his hair and came. He stood and smiled at me. "Let's get you dressed," he said. I shook my head and gave him a light shove onto the bed. I lowered myself to my knees and worked on his belt until I got it off. I yanked his jeans down and started licking the head of his cock. "Oh..." he said breathlessly. I started bobbing up and down. I grabbed on to his ass to use as leverage as I brought him closer and closer to orgasm. He was moaning and grabbing the sheets while his body sort of convulsed. There was definitely much more I wanted to do to him and I would when there was time. He made his soft little orgasm sounds and I felt the spurt of warm cum wash over my tongue. I smiled. "OK, now you've gotta help me up," I said. "Who's gonna help me up?" he said, laughing a bit. "That felt so good, Josh." My male ego appreciated the compliment. He lay there for a moment longer and then sat up. He helped me to my feet and I was pleased that I wasn't quite as sore as I'd been when I first woke up. I got ready with his help and we headed to the school. *** I knew that everyone in the class had been talking about me when I arrived. They fell silent and looked at me like they were seeing a ghost. I went to my seat and sat down without looking at them. When class ended, Kitty surprised me in the hall. "Joshua, are you alright?" she said, not even bothering with a greeting. I nodded. "Never been better." She shook her head. "I will never understand you." I got my second surprise when Ayden appeared at her side. He smiled at me like he was seeking approval. "What are you doing?" I asked. "I don't want to hide anymore," he said. Kitty looked at us both with a worried expression. "Be careful, guys..." "It'll be alright," I said, but it was more for my benefit. I should have expected it after the little speech I'd given in the kitchen this morning, but it still made me nervous to think about anything happening to Ayden. I knew he could deal with their words, but if he got attacked like I had, I wasn't so sure. He's just so...small. The late bell rang and Kitty gave us one last, long look before going to her class. I hugged Ayden in the empty hallway and kissed him. "If you feel like you're in danger, text me," I said. "And if you can't text me, I want you to get out of there. Do whatever it takes. Make a lot of noise or something, get someone's attention. Don't let anyone hurt you." "You be careful too, Josh," he said. "I love you." "I love you too," I said. *** I got out of my last class early to go talk to the coaches. I wanted to make sure I still had a spot on the team. "You got a lot of nerve showing up today," Cameron said. I turned to face him, relieved that he was alone. "I'm surprised, Cam. I thought you were too much of a coward to face me alone." "Don't talk shit, Josh. I kicked your ass yesterday." "Bullshit," I replied. "You had to get everyone on the team to turn against me. If it was a fair fight, we both know how it would go." "Fuck you. I didn't make everyone turn against you; you did when you decided to be a fag." "You really think it was a decision? Do you really think I wanted everyone to hate me? It's just how I am." "Don't preach that shit," Cam said. "We both know it was your choice. You just wanted to pussy out when you got Chelsea knocked up and we both know it. It's in your blood." I ignored the jab about my deadbeat dad. "She made the whole thing up," I said, but I knew no one would believe it at that point. "You're pathetic," he said. "No, you are," I replied. "You can't stand me because I'm not like you. You can't stand Chelsea either, I know that. And you know how she is; you know I'm telling the truth. I'm still the same person I was before, but now you know I'm gay. That's the only thing that's changed. I can't help that you're so fucking homophobic, that's your problem. You need to get over it." "You trying to turn me in to a fag like you?" he accused. "No. Damn it, you idiot. Accepting me being gay doesn't make you gay." "You're just sick of that emo bitch," he said. "Now you're after me." I sighed. "Whatever, man. Don't flatter yourself." "You keep your hands off me," he said. He spat at my shoes and then left. "I never touched you," I muttered after him. I went in to the coach's office. He looked up like he hadn't heard me come in, but I knew he had to of heard the entire conversation between me and Cameron. "Josh, what do you need?" he asked. "Coach, I need a few questions answered," I said. "First, are you going to do anything to the guys that beat me up yesterday?" "Well...Josh, no witnesses are coming forward. We can't know for sure who it was." "You could ask me." He sighed. "You know that's not enough. You could accuse whoever you wanted to and it'd be your word against theirs." "This is bullshit," I said. "Watch yourself. I know you're not happy, but the rules are the rules. You don't get special treatment. Now what else do you need?" "Nothing," I said. "I quit." He didn't try to change my mind. I was about to just leave, but instead I turned around. "You know, you're just as bad as them." "Now, Josh..." "No, listen to me," I said. "You have a chance to do the right thing, but we both know you're not going to. You're just going to let them get away with it. I'm not asking for special treatment and you know it." He didn't have anything to say to that and I didn't have anything left to say to him. *** I was still feeling like crap when I went out to my truck. Ayden was already waiting for me. He looked glad to see me. I immediately noticed the cut on his cheek. "What happened?" I asked. It didn't look too bad, but I was still concerned. "Chelsea threw a rock at me," he said with a shrug. "It's no big deal, don't worry about it. Nothing else happened." "Promise?" I said. "It's fine. You look upset," he said. He scooted closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm off the team." He gasped. "Did they kick you off? They can't do that!" "No, no. I quit." He was silent. "I'm sorry," he said, after a while. I sighed and started the truck. I tried not to think of all the potential scholarships I had given up as I pulled out of the parking lot. I looked over at him again and I couldn't stand the sad look on his face. "Smile for me," I said. He made a halfhearted effort. "I just know you really loved football." I gave him a cheesy smile. "I love you more." That earned me a real smile. "I love you too," he said. "How much?" I asked with a suggestive tone as I put a hand on his thigh. He laughed. "How are you always so horny?" he asked. "I blame you," I said. He laughed again. We got home and I took him by the hand as we went inside. I kissed him, but I wasn't pushing for something sexual. I just wanted to hold him. We sat on the couch together and watched a little TV, trying to forget the rest of the world. A commercial came on for some kind of lube and Ayden shifted a bit. "Do you...uh...do you have lube?" he asked. I perked up. "Do you want some? I'm prepared to go and buy every single type of lube at the store if that's what you want." He smiled shyly. "I just think maybe we might need it pretty soon." "For real?" I felt like a little kid being told Christmas would come two months early. "I love you, Josh. And I...I know it might be hard for you to believe but I've never had sex before and...I-I want you to be my first." I put my hand under his chin and kissed him. "I love you too and I promise I'll make it special." Josh's Journal Ch. 12 Getting up in the morning became a battle. It would have been so easy just to stay in bed and give up. I was so on edge the entire time I was at school. I kept wondering if I was even doing any good. While things hadn't gotten worse, it hadn't gotten better either. It didn't seem like anything was going to change. People still treated me like crap. But worse than how they treated me was how they treated Ayden. I was afraid that he would break down. Honestly, I probably would have. He would walk through the halls to be pushed around and then get called out of class to go over every agonizing detail of the night his mother killed his father with the detectives over and over again. He would sometimes cry in his sleep and it worried Mom to the point that she didn't even try to enforce us sleeping in separate rooms. Ayden kept surprising me with his strength. I knew Kitty and my mom all thought I was the brave one, but really, it's him. I was trying to be strong about everything, but I was a bit hurt that no one at school seemed to care I was off the football team. It's not like I expected them to miss me, but I'd still kind of hoped they would. I really did love football. It was hard to drive by the field every day while the team was out practicing. I missed it a lot. I think my mom was the most shocked about me being off the team. She had called trying to confront the coach, but he used the excuse that I had quit using my own free will. The entire coaching staff was pretending nothing unusual had happened. She was in a rage at dinner that night and she was certain that the student handbook said something about discrimination. She investigated and saw that the discrimination policy didn't mention sexual orientation. That doesn't seem right to me. I think that adding sexual orientation would help a lot of kids. It would certainly help us now. I mentioned it to Ayden and he said, "I'm not surprised." "Don't you think it should change though?" I asked. "Well, yes," he said. "But how would we do that?" It didn't escape my notice that he said we and I really loved that it wasn't even a question. He was with me on this. As far as his question, all I could say was, "I have no idea." So I did what I always did when I didn't know. I called Kitty. *** I was nervous about seeing the principal that day, but I'd spend the good part of the past few days thinking about it and I really wanted to go through with it. Kitty's suggestion had been to go to the school board, but she'd also pointed out that there would have to be support from the students and faculty. I doubted that was going to happen, but Ayden knew what I was trying to do and he seemed so hopeful. I just hoped that I would get some signatures, besides my own, Ayden's, and Kitty's. I knew I would have to do this the right way, so I needed the principal's permission to be asking for signatures during school hours. I sat in the little waiting area while the secretary finished a phone call. It felt like forever before she asked, "What do you need, honey?" I told her, "I need to talk to the principal." She smiled at me and picked up the phone. After a short exchange, she said, "It'll be a few minutes." The secretary's name was Ms. Wells and she was in her fifties. She was the nicest lady you'd ever meet and all the students had a lot of respect for her. Often, the only reason anyone was afraid of being sent to the principal's office was because they would have to face her. I found myself wondering what she thought of me now. "Josh, honey..." she said. She glanced around. "How are you?" "I'm alright," I said. "What are you in here for?" "Asking about a petition," I said. I explained to her what we were trying to do. She nodded until I finished. "Can I sign it?" I was shocked that she'd said that. I handed her the signature sheet and she scribbled out her name. "Dear, I don't care what the Bible says. People shouldn't be treated the way your little boyfriend was." I grinned and hoped that she wouldn't be the only one to feel that way. The principal seemed a bit distant. He said, "It's a shame you quit the team." I felt a little angry that he seemed to be ignoring the fact that I'd gotten the crap kicked out of me, but I kept my cool. "That's actually why I'm here, Mr. Brewer. Do you know what led me to quit?" The principal squirmed. "That's an issue between students. I can't really get involved." "That's the problem. No one wants to get involved, but someone has to," I said. Mr. Brewer gave me a patronizing look. "Joshua, there are some matters that it simply isn't wise for me to get involved in. Do you really think it would be wise for me to become a referee for every little issue between students?" "It's not just some little issue!" I stood up and snatched a picture from his desk. "This is your son, right? If you knew he was going to school every day getting beat up and ridiculed, what would you say? You would want someone to get involved. If Ayden was your son, or if I was, you would want someone to do something. You can't keep ignoring this. We all know that I was attacked on school grounds for being gay." "Boys fight. There's no point in making this into a big deal when it isn't. Will you return my picture to my desk and leave?" I slammed the picture frame down. "You know, I really hope your son never has to face anything like this, but if he does I want you to think about what you just said to me." "Joshua, watch how you speak to me," he warned. "I'm going to pass this petition around," I said. "I didn't give you permission to do that," he said. "Fine, try to stop me," I replied. I knew I was loud enough that anyone in the office could hear me. "It's just an issue between students though, and you shouldn't get involved." "Close the door and sit down," he ordered. "I'll suspend you." "Go ahead," I replied, still loud. "If you do, I'll go to the radio stations and the news until someone listens to me. I'll tell them all about it." Mr. Brewer looked like he really wished he could hit me. "If you cause a problem, you'll be expelled." *** Mom had been called away on another business trip. She assured me that after this one, she was going to request less travel. I kind of hoped that she could stay because there was a football game about to start that I should have been getting ready for it. Ayden and I ordered a pizza and started watching movies. I tried not to think about the game and how I'd probably never get to play football again. Instead, I focused on how Ayden rested his head on my chest and laughed at the movie. I guess I knew the moment we started kissing that this was the night. There was something more to it, I guess. I could feel he was holding me tighter. There was a moment when I felt like I could have cried. I guess that sounds weak, but it's true. I could feel how much he loves me in how he held on to me. We turned off the TV and went to my bedroom. I laid him down on the bed and looked at him for a while. I kissed his forehead. I really like doing that. It makes me feel like he's mine. His eyes were watering a bit and he wiped at them. "I'm sorry. I just...I...I didn't think I'd ever be loved this way," he whispered. I pushed his hair out of his face and kissed him. His arms wrapped around my neck and his legs around my hips. We broke apart for a second and I pulled my shirt off. We started kissing again and I worked at the buttons of his shirt until it was open. I took my time running my hand over his body as I undid my pants. I played with one of his nipples until he gasped and arched his back. His reactions are always beautiful to watch. I moved on to his jeans. His cock was already hard as a rock. He whimpered when I took it in my mouth. I reached up and kept teasing his nipple just to hear him moan. I worked a hand under his ass and got him to open his legs. I licked my thumb and rubbed his pink hole. I glanced up and saw him biting his lip. I love how he does that. I got him to spread his legs a bit more and started licking him. His soft whimpers and moans urged me on. I worked my middle finger inside him after a while. He moaned a bit louder. "More," he said softly. I added a second finger and felt him trying to get them deeper inside him. I reached for the lube. I wasn't really sure what to do with it, so I just squirted it onto my fingers while I was still working them in and out of him. I added a third finger just to be safe. I heard him whimper in discomfort. "You alright?" I asked. "Yeah," he whispered. "You think you're ready?" "Please," he replied. I handed him the condom because my hands were slippery. He tore the package and put it on me. I added more lube because the Internet said there's no such thing as too much. I lined up and looked at him, giving him one last chance to change his mind. He nodded. I slowly pushed inside him, studying his face. His eyes were shut tight and I could see how hard he was trying not to make a sound. I almost wanted to stop when he whimpered, but I kept going slowly and suddenly his expression changed. He gasped and started to smile. He opened his eyes and he looked so beautiful that I had to kiss him. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever experienced. Of course, physically it felt pretty damn amazing, but what I really loved was the moment he looked in my eyes. I could see how much he loved me. I kissed his neck as I started to move slowly in and out. His nails dug in to my shoulders and his legs tightened around me. I could feel his fast breath against my ear as I started to move faster. I was trying to last because I never wanted to stop hearing him moan my name. His breath caught and he let out something between a moan and whimper. I felt him tighten around me and he came. As soon as he did, I did too. It was the best I'd ever felt in my life and the way he held on to me through it made it even better. There was a moment of silence when all we did was hold each other. Slowly, we moved apart enough for me to slip the condom off and tie it. I dropped it in the trashcan and curled up next to him on the bed. I think holding him after sex was my favorite part. He just felt so soft and warm. I was amazed that something so beautiful could be mine. "How do you feel?" I asked. "Great," he sighed. "Was it...I mean, you're not disappointed are you?" He smiled. "Josh, it was perfect." *** I guess it would be cliché to say I felt like a brand new man, but I really did. Ayden was still asleep beside me. I kissed his hair and he started to wake up. He looks so fucking cute when he wakes up from a peaceful sleep. He gets a confused little smile and then he rubs his eyes and cuddles closer to me like he doesn't want to wake up. Finally he sits up and yawns. "Did you sleep well?" I ask. He nodded slowly and rubbed his eyes again. "Last night was really great, Josh." "I'm sorry it wasn't nicer." He kissed my cheek. "It was everything I wanted. I love you." "I love you, too," I replied. He started to get out of bed but I pulled him into my arms. "Nope, you're staying here." "What about breakfast?" he asked. "Later," I said. "You look too damn cute so I have to hug you." He laughed and made a half-hearted effort to escape. He was no match for me though and I easily pinned him to the bed and kissed him. I held his wrists above his head and started to kiss his neck. He squirmed underneath me and let out a soft moan. "Josh..." he said. I left my mark on his neck and then kissed it. "What, babe?" He bit his lip and looked at me. "I think I like this." I grinned and kissed him again. After a moment I stood and he gracefully got on his hands and knees, following my cock with his mouth until he finally took it in. He made soft slurping and humming sounds while his ass poked up in the air. I reached out and gave it a light slap which made him moan louder. He turned around, looking at me over his shoulder. "Please..." he said. I grabbed the lube and a condom and quickly got us both ready. As soon as I was inside him, he cried out in something between pain and pleasure. I started going in and out slowly and he was moaning into the mattress. After a few minutes, he made the softest request, "Do it faster..." I did what he said. I had to hold on to his shoulder for a bit of leverage to go faster and harder. He was moaning and I could see his face in the mirror. He looked like he was in heaven and his hair bounced a little with every one of my thrusts. His mouth was open as he panted from the effort of keeping himself upright while I did my thing. He started biting his lip again and I knew it was coming. When he started to cum, it was too much for me and I collapsed on top of him. The second time was just as amazing as the first. I pulled him closer to me and kissed the top of his head. I wanted to go again, but my body wasn't cooperating. "I...I hope that didn't seem too...you know...slutty," he said shyly. "It was fucking amazing," I said. "I like it when you slap my ass," he whispered and then he hid his face against my chest in embarrassment. I grinned. "Don't be shy. I like that too. I just hope you don't feel like I don't cherish you because I do." "I liked last night when you were gentle, but I liked just now too. It makes me feel like I'm yours." I kissed his forehead and slowly got up. "We should probably wash the sheets." He nodded. "I'll make you pancakes." I smiled. "I'd like that, but you need a shower first. You're covered." I wiped at the cum on his chest. "Come with me?" We took a long shower together. Most of the time I just held him and we let the water wash over us. He didn't really like the water in his face and it was adorable how he kept rubbing at his eyes. I felt so lucky to have this chance to be with him. I knew that things at school probably wouldn't get better any time soon and once we got out of the shower reality would hit again, but as long as I had him it didn't matter that much. Josh's Journal Ch. 13 Hello readers I know, I know. I've been a bad Kitten and haven't posted in a while. I hope that you'll forgive me though because I'm pleased to announce that Hero is going to be published! The best way to keep up with me would be to follow me on Twitter or my blog. You can read my bio on here for more details or feel free to e-mail me. Love&Rockets, Kitten2010 ************************************ My petition didn't make as big a splash at school as I'd hoped, but I wasn't surprised. Thanksgiving took me by surprise. I hadn't really been thinking about it at all until Mom came to ask me what Ayden's plans were. She seemed really nervous about the whole thing. "I just didn't want to upset him by asking, but...honey, you know I would love for Ayden to come to Grandma's house with us..." She couldn't quite seem to finish her thought, but I knew what she was getting at. My mother's mother was probably the strangest woman I'd ever met. I'm pretty sure she doesn't age. For as long as I can remember, she's had wild grey hair, thick glasses, a cane in one hand, and a snifter of whiskey in the other. While she's not particularly hateful, I don't think she has any sort of filter anymore. I could only imagine the things she would say to Ayden. At the very mention of Thanksgiving, Ayden looked a little sad. "I could just stay here," he said, but he didn't really sound like he wanted that. "I understand it's a day for families." I immediately had to hug him. "It's not that. It's just my grandma is a lot to handle. I was just going to warn you." He perked up instantly. "You mean...I'm invited?" "Of course," I said. "Why wouldn't you be?" He snuggled against my chest. "I don't know, I guess just the way you said it when you brought it up." "Well, I mean...I don't know about my grandma. She's just..." I sighed. I couldn't really think of how to describe her. "Old." He laughed. "I think that's how grandmas are supposed to be." "Well, she's old to the point that she really doesn't give a fuck. So if she says anything rude to you, don't take it personally." *** Ayden didn't make any effort to water down his usual look at all. He got there in his tight jeans, mildly frightening band T-shirt, and messy hair. Grandma hugged my mom and me and then started to size him up. "Grandma, this is my friend, Ayden," I said. Mom and I had discussed it and decided that Thanksgiving was not the time to come out. Grandma looked at Ayden like she wasn't sure what to think of him. She made a comment about his hair being 'awfully crazy' and he came back with a catty retort about her hair being 'awfully gray'. I didn't know it was in him. Before the meal even started, they were like best friends. Mom and I were both in shock. I'm pretty sure I have been replaced in Grandma's eyes. By the time we left, Grandma had a few of Ayden's bracelets on her wrist and Ayden had a good amount of whiskey in his system. Mom drove and I sat by Ayden in the back. He was pretty relaxed and laying on me. He seemed so happy, though I could tell the whiskey had him feeling a little frisky (pardon my rhyme). He was feeling up my abs before he just fell asleep. I kind of wished we had been alone because I would have just pulled over and given it to him. It was easily the best Thanksgiving that I could remember. *** By the time we got home, it was late and we were all ready to go to bed. Ayden was still in a tipsy state and Mom was worrying about how irresponsible it had been of her to let Grandma get my boyfriend drunk. I told her not to sweat it because Ayden's an adult technically and it's not her job. She still went on a rant about the signs of alcohol poisoning. She went to bed after going on and on forever. "I wanna be naked," Ayden whispered once we got to my bedroom. He laughed. "I'm really loud right now." I smiled. "Hush, I know. Let's get your pajamas on." "No, you listen to me," he said quietly. He poked my chest. "I'm not drunk." "I know you aren't," I said. "Arms up." He obeyed and once his shirt was off he fell backward on to the bed. I worked his jeans off and then got him dressed. He looked adorable, but I wasn't going to take advantage of him like that. Once I got him settled in to the bed, I flipped the lights off and slid in beside him. Ayden sighed. "The dark makes me sad," he said. "Go to sleep now," I whispered. "I can't," he replied. He sounded like he was about to cry. "Why not?" I asked. "I don't have a family. Not like you do. My dad is dead. My mom killed him and he's dead. He's dead, Josh," Ayden rambled. "I know, babe. I know." I didn't know what the fuck else I could say to him that would do him any good. "You don't know. You don't. I shouldn't be happy today. It's a holiday. My little sisters..." "Ayden, don't think too much. You deserve to be happy. Your sisters are in a great foster home. It's OK to take care of yourself." "I can't, Josh. I'm not worth it. I'm not. You're gonna say I am, but you don't know. You don't know." I couldn't think of the words to say back to him. He was scaring me. But I also felt a little bit frustrated. At first I thought it was at him, but I couldn't criminalize him for the pain he felt. I realized I was mad at myself for not being able to just fix it. While he cried himself to sleep, I had an epiphany. I couldn't blame myself either. I was doing all that I could, all that anyone would expect of me. He needed more than just what I could give. *** "I don't know about this..." Ayden said. He tried to turn around but I took him by the hand. "Come on, babe. I worked really hard on this." Finding the right therapist for Ayden had been quite the task and I'll admit it wasn't something I did all on my own, but I had done most of the legwork. I'd called office after office, sharing his story, trying to find anyone who would listen and have enough of a heart to offer to help him free of charge. I was beginning to think I'd never find anyone, when I found Sharon Mancus. She operated her own little private practice office that was apparently just her and support staff. After I'd talked to her, she wasted no time making an appointment for Ayden. Getting him to go had been harder than expected. Initially, he'd insisted he was fine and it was just the whiskey talking the other night. For about an hour, he was genuinely mad at me for thinking he needed therapy. Finally, he agreed to go and there we were. We were half an hour early for his appointment because he needed to fill out paperwork. I sat beside him while he scribbled in the required information and then held his hand when he went to give the clipboard back to the receptionist. The doctor came out to greet him before we'd even had a chance to sit down again. She was a short woman, with tightly curled blond hair. She wore a bit too much make up and cat-eye glasses and was dressed in all green. Honestly, she kind of looked like someone's kooky aunt, but that made her seem a little more trustworthy in my eyes and I hoped Ayden would feel the same way. He stood up and started to follow Dr. Mancus to her office. He turned and gave me a look that I couldn't quite read. I grinned at him to show support. I was really hoping this would be good for him. I had a feeling it would be. I spent most of the time playing a rousing game of Angry Birds, but when my battery started to die, I had no choice but to stare at my surroundings. She had some pretty paintings, but I know nothing about art so I lost interest in those quickly. The next thing to catch my eye was a fake potted plant. For some reason, that fake plant made me think of the summer football workshop and the hotel room Ayden and I had shared. It was funny, seeing how it all worked out, how what had started as me just trying to be a decent person had led to falling for Ayden. It was pretty amazing just to see how much I'd changed since then as well. There were so many things I used to care about that I just don't any more. For the first time, I'm kind of glad I started writing in this stupid journal. Now I see why people do it. If I weren't so lazy, now would be the time that I looked back at the first entries and got all nostalgic. While I was wrapped up in my thoughts, the door opened and Ayden stepped out. He was dabbing at his eyes with a tissue. Dr. Mancus hugged him and said something I couldn't quite hear. He wiped his eyes for a final time before tossing the Kleenex in to a wastebasket. "How was it?" I asked. He smiled and took a deep breath. "Actually, it was great. She's really nice." I took his hand and we stepped outside, both squinting at the unseasonable sunshine. "I'm glad it went well." "We talked about ways to change how I think about things. I really want to stop being so negative. I don't have to let what happened in the past get to me. It's like...I keep myself from being happy most of the time and I want to change that." I hugged him and opened the truck door for him. "I'm really glad to see you smiling again." "It's just so great to figure this out," he said. I went to the driver's side and as I started the truck up. Once I was on the road, I took his hand. "So, I was doing some thinking in there and I have a confession." "What is it?" "You remember that time we had to share a hotel room?" He nodded. "Well...and this was totally an accident, keep that in mind!" He smiled. "Tell me! Now you have me all curious." "I kind of saw you...you know...having private time." Ayden was silent for a moment. "You watched?" "No! I totally didn't. I just...saw." I was genuinely afraid he was upset until I saw the smile cracking through. He had a good laugh about it. "I can't believe you saw that!" "I promise I wasn't perving on you or anything. I swear." I had to join in on his laughter. He was still giggling and clutching at his sides. His face was flushed and he looked absolutely beautiful. "It's OK, I just...I really had no idea." He started cracking up again. "Did you enjoy it?" I chuckled. "Well...I mean looking back, hell yeah I did but at the time I was all sorts of confused." "Well, you aren't confused now, are you?" He leaned in close and nibbled at my earlobe. "Definitely not confused," I replied. I parked my truck in front of the house, pleased to see that my mom's car was missing. I killed the engine, jumped out, and ran to Ayden's side. I easily pulled him over my shoulder and gave him a few playful spanks as I carried him to the front door. I set him on his feet while I fumbled with my keys. He didn't make the task any easier with his soft bites at my neck. The door slammed as I kicked it shut on our way to my bedroom. I loosened his belt and ran my fingers through his hair while his hands dove in to my back pockets. We stumbled to my bed. I wrapped my arms around his waist and fell back on the bed. He kissed me, his tongue probed in to mine. I liked the feeling of his slender hips grinding on mine and the little squeak sound he made when I slapped his ass. We both seemed to be in agreement that clothes were in the way and pulled our shirts off quickly. I caught his nipple between my teeth. His back arched and he dove down to kiss me again. He caught my bottom lip between his teeth as I pulled away to leave my mark on his neck. His skin was always so soft and I loved it. We parted long enough for him to ditch his pants and me to wiggle out of mine. He was back on top of me quickly and we kissed for a while longer. Our cocks were hard between us, rubbing together, slickened by a bit of pre-cum. I easily guided him in to a sixty-nine position and while his delicious mouth worked on my cock, I craned my neck to lick at his hole. I eased a finger in and he moaned against my erection. I tried to stretch for the lube, but couldn't quite make it. He noticed what I was doing and reached for it himself. I tried to sit up, but with one hand he pushed me back on my back. He lubed up his fingers and prepared himself, then dribbled the cool jelly over the head of my cock. I watched him ease down on it. He bit his lip and moaned softly until he was completely filled. I gripped his hips and helped him along as he started to move up and down. After a minute or so, he didn't need my help anymore. He planted his hands on my chest and increased his speed. He let out a whimper and then a moan. I grabbed on to his hips once again and started to pound in to him. Ayden threw his head back and his cock twitched. Cum spurted up in the air and landed on my chest. He let out a ragged sound, almost like a scream. I buried myself in him and shot my load. I made some sort of alien sound as well. He collapsed forward and we held each other. I felt my cock shrink until is popped out of his tight hole. Still, we held on. "I love you," he panted. "I love you too," I replied. Finally, I had the strength to move. I got up and threw him one of my T-shirts. He pulled it on and snuggled up on my bed. I pulled on my boxers, wiped the cum off of my chest, and laid down beside him for a nice afternoon nap.