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I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 01

By: AzanianHeat



Ethan

"Stop thinking about him."

"Huh?" My agitated shift in the carseat had guilt written all over it as I turned to my friend behind the wheel of the SUV.

Sam squinted disparagingly at me then refocused on the road.

"Nice try. Don't make me make you confront demons again, sugar. Mark is your past, thank goodness. Don't you think it's time you left him there?"

"It's kinda difficult, you know, with him popping up out of nowhere, and the phonecalls and stuff."

"I know; and I hate that he's started all this rubbish again after a year's peace. And why, I ask. You were just starting to do so well, too. After all the pining and waiting for him."

"Oh, I wasn't pi-"

"Don't lie. You're awful at it."

So I clamped my lips shut and watched through my black hair as trees whizzed by. We were on the Garden Route, heading east out of Cape Town at the best time of year for a road trip. It was a beautiful sunny December morning. Sam was right, of course: I had been thinking about my ex. The man who'd started hounding me a month ago was a frightening headcase compared to the man I'd dated for two years towards the end of varsity. Suddenly seeing him again, agitated and unkempt, had at first stirred pity in me.  

It made me realise I'd thought about him in our time apart; wondered what he was doing; tortured myself with images of him with someone new. Probably a few someones. He'd always been a bit too much of a... free spirit when it came to love and relationships; and I'd always been the insecure clinger. 

Until now. For some unknown reason the roles switched recently and Mark has proven himself a little psychotic in his pursuit of me. I did my best to laugh it off in the beginning, shrugging noncommittally whenever my friends checked up on me. Mark was leaving me countless messages - and I was considering taking him back. Then he started unnerving me by rocking up uninvited at places I frequented. However, it was... that night that finally drew the line for me. Now I'm totally clear on my feelings for Mark Reynolds. I fear him.

"Earth to Dreamer. No wonder you've been single for a year now. There's a hunk at nine o'clock and he's been checking you out since we stopped." Sam was poking me in the ribs with a rolled-up magazine. Not subtly. 

I hadn't noticed that we were parked at a fuel station. One more poke from Sam had me nervously flicking my eyes to my left. The man was built like that stocky guy made of rock from The Fantastic Four, not good. And he was blatantly leering at me with the cockiness of one used to getting their way, definitely not good. He wore camouflage pants and a vest that was desperately toiling to contain his massive chest. I nervously pushed the button that smoothly rolled up my window.

I hissed at Sam, "How, in the name of good taste and sanity, do you classify that as a hunk?" I turned to see Sam getting out of the car, so I quickly clambered out and scurried after him towards the snack shop, making sure not to make any more eye-contact with the Incredible Hulk.

"I can't believe you were just going to leave me hanging like that!" 

I got another squint, an amused one, "Sugar, that's not leaving you hanging, that is called hooking you up. How could you not go for such a hottie?"

"Sam, the man's muscles had muscles and they were all challenging each other to all-out war! And he was doing that testosterone overloaded swagger-thing that means I'd probably end up as his pet, not his boyfriend. Hardly my type; hasn't a ten-year friendship taught you anything?" I was still jumpily twisting the magazine Sam had been poking at me.

Sam was ignoring me. He grabbed two waters, two juices, an energy bar and a packet of strawberry chews and headed for the clerk. When we got back in the car (fortunately Atlas had taken the hint and left by then), he tossed the strawberry sweets at me, handed me the grape juice and a water and started the car.

After a few minutes, he finally spoke, "I just don't get you, Ethan. OK, fine, that guy was a bit of a monolith, but some really delish guys have been after you for ages now, but you always have some sort of excuse for not trying another relationship. At the same time you also don't seem happy with your solitude, so I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. You're going to have to clue me in: what do you want?"

I flipped through the magazine pages, feeling bad - and torn. "Just some peace and quiet... and a personal masseuse named Antonio."

Sam actually cracked a faint smile. "Seriously, man. We both know that you're hiding behind that laptop and all the work that you do. Other people ease up when the obscenely huge cheques start tumbling in, yet you continue to push yourself on a ridiculous schedule. Why?"

"To be able to afford Antonio's tanning salon bills?"

"You deserve more, you know. And you have a lot more to give, that's why I fuss. The whole trip with Mark was painful, I know, but you need to understand that they're not all like that."

"I do know that, Sam."

"He was bonkers on a whole nother level. But that shouldn't stop you from opening up to someone else, someone who appreciates you. I just wish you'd take the time to figure out what you need, so you know what to go for. Life's too short for-"

"This place. I need this place."

"What?"

I held up the now mangled magazine. It was opened to an article on holiday destinations. I was showing him the page about a gorgeous guesthouse in Plettenberg Bay. Sam scowled at the pictures in disbelief, then at the road. "You've got to be kidding."

"Why would I kid about 'nature trails through the hills down to the beach' and 'weekday surfing lessons'?" 

"Listen, sugar-"

"Quit calling me that already!"

"-I'm only cornering you like this because I love you. Now put down the article about hippie hotspots; you're already on your way to a holiday."

"Yeah, but your place has shows and rides and overpriced food."

"Problem being?"

"I want to be 'lulled to sleep each night by the only sound for miles: waves breaking on boulders'. Doesn't that sound great? And imagine waking to ' unobstructed views of the mountains and ocean'. This is what I want, Sam."

Sam eyed me uncertainly, "Quit fooling, sugar. I've known you since high school and I haven't seen you even look at a surfboard once in all 10 years."

"I do all the time... when gorgeous surfers are on them."

"Ethan..."

In all honesty, it had started out as a joke, a distraction tactic to get Sam off the topic of my pitiful lovelife. But the more I read about The Montgomery, the more I liked it. Peace, nature. And the perfect hiding place.

"Plett, it's in Plett. Look, that sign says there's an off-ramp in 50km. The article mentioned that we'd need to go through the town to get to The Montgomery. It's a little way up the hill, overlooking the western stretch of the beach."

"Ethan-"

"It won't add much to your travelling time. I'm sorry to drop you like this after you were so generous about sharing your holiday with me, but I need to go to this place."

"What could you possibly-"

"Please, Samuel. For the first time in a long while I've made a choice that I'm pretty confident about."

Sam looked a little bewildered and frustrated, but also very concerned. "But why?"

"I don't know."

* A light summer rain started spraying down as the SUV approached the guesthouse nestled in a quiet, green pocket of trees halfway up the hill. It looked even better than it did in the photos. Sam had tried a few times to change my mind, then had fallen into sullen silence as we drove through town center and started up the more serene hill area. The nearest houses were a 10-minute drive behind us and it was 20 or so minutes into town center. The best part was that it was hours away from Cape Town and Mark.

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose as I hopped out into the warm drizzle and grabbed my case and laptop bag from the back. I ran up the steps with them and placed them securely out of the rain before going back to Sam who still hadn't opened his eyes. His expression reminded me of when I was a little kid and used to close my eyes tightly to wish bad things away.

I was soaked through to the skin as I stood there grinning at Sam through the small gap he'd opened in the driver's window. 

"Thanks for this. I know it's really strange behaviour on my part, but it feels good. Who knows, maybe this is the beginning of my new spontaneous and happy self."

He eyed me suspiciously then turned an appraising eye on the lodge behind me. "Well, I suppose it is beautiful. At least it's not one of those awful faux safari huts with the tacky outdoor showers." His eyes snapped back to mine, "Call me if you change your mind. I'll fetch you, any time. Or if you need anything. And don't let-"

"Yes, mother." I laughed at his glare. "You're an awesome friend, Sam."

"A change from the guy who'd thought me loopy in high school."

"Oh, you're definitely loopy. It's just so happens I'm in the mood for a little craziness of my own choosing."

"Well, this certainly fits the bill. Go inside before you catch your death. And don't forget: call me any time."

I waved him off and stood rooted to the spot for a minute. As a smile slowly spread I took a deep breath and felt it reach all the way into my lungs and down to my toes. Then I ran back up to the front door. It was closed, to keep the rain and muggy breeze out, I presumed. So I rang the bell and propped a forearm against the jamb as I leaned my head slightly down and watched water droplets plop off the tip of my nose.

When the door opened I raised my head - and promptly lost my newfound smile. My brown-haired architect choked on whatever welcoming words were meant to reach me. He was tall and gorgeous and gave off an inviting warmth - just as I'd always remembered. The five years since that year of varsity simply imploded and scattered off in the breeze. I felt 18 and gauche again.

I'd swallowed my tongue in shock, but luckily he'd found his, "You! You kissed me!"

* Aiden

Five years pass so fast. I've forgotten half the things I've done, half the people I've met in the last five years. Half a decade has shaped me into a new man; I've changed a lot and cut many ties. Except for him. I never forgot him, despite the abruptness of our acquaintance.

He was a quiet one, the guy with the silver eyes. I had noticed him around the university campus a few times in the first weeks of our project planning. He was hard to miss. Always the intense, silver perusal half hidden behind ebony waves that hung down to his neck. Never part of a large crowd, never goofing off like the other kids. 

I'd been working on the East Campus development contract, leading it actually. My father had hoped that putting me in charge of an assignment that significant would boost my interest in the family business. Hell, for a while it did work.

My plate was full, but even I'd let loose on occasion. Varsity kids can't help but bring out one's fun-seeking side. Nothing scandalous, mostly impromptu soccer matches with some students, basketball, quad-biking. A few of the students have even tried to drag me to a couple parties.

According to my brother I have enough charm to sway a saint. I just call it being a people's person. I like people and they seem to like me back. However I drew the line at being the only 25-year-old at the student parties. Apparently it's a preference I had in common with the silver-eyed guy. I'd seen him at the small local coffee-bar on a couple weekend evenings, enjoying the jazzy ambience with the more mature clientele, rather than the wild rock vibe of the diners a few blocks away.

It was strange how intensely he held my attention without trying - most times without even knowing I was watching. I'd watched him for half an hour on the beach once. He'd been reading a book. Once in a while the breeze would flick his dark tresses across his face and he'd reach up and rake them all back again with his slim fingers. I hurried off as soon as the thoughts about running my fingers through his hair began.

He was around 5'10"; lean, but strong-looking. And? I don't know. He spent a lot of his free time on the quieter lawns at the bottom edge of campus or ambling up to the library with his laptop bag slung over his shoulder. That's it, I swear.

So what the hell was going on? I wasn't interested in the guy, I don't think. Well, I couldn't be. I didn't do guys. I was straight. A straight guy with stalking tendencies, it would appear. It was just his intensity - it was hard to ignore. I'd caught him watching me too, mostly when I was supervising the construction. Sometimes I'd be talking to someone and would find myself obeying the sudden urge to look up or turn, each time he'd been there and I'd been unable to help staring back. I always wondered if he would come up and say anything; he never did. Maybe he was just into the architectural work I was doing.

Since the actual construction work had begun, I had chosen to temporarily move into a one of the university's faculty apartments just outside campus, rather than commute 3 hours a day. It took me a while to figure out the perfect jogging hour and route as I preferred to have the space all to myself. So after a few failed attempts, I'd cracked it: all the students disappeared from the main campus around sunset. So I mapped myself a route that went up alongside the neighbouring nature reserve fencing to the east, across the top heading west, down through main campus; and back home across the scarcely-used lower lawns.

That night was a Friday night. It was even quieter than usual, the students seeming to have gone beer-hunting early. The sun was already half gone when I started, but I went anyway because I needed it.

I didn't know it was him until I was practically on top of him. I came through some trees and around a trimmed hedge at top speed and tripped over his backpack.

"Shit!"

He seemed to jump up and swallow his tongue at the same time. I miraculously avoided a collision and immediately regretted my harsh bellow.

"Ah, hi. I'm sorry about your stuff, man. I didn't see you there. Plus, I'm a bit of a klutz anyway so it probably wouldn't have mattered if I had seen you. Are you okay?"

He nodded shyly from behind glossy waves of ebony hair. I was relieved to see that he didn't look as petrified anymore. A little unsure maybe, but there was something else there too. That intense tension that I always seem to feel around him. While I was trying to figure the messages in those large, light eyes, he quickly ducked down and started picking up his things and stuffing them in his backpack. His laptop was in its bag on a colourfully striped blanket he'd been lying on. This was the first direct contact we've had; I didn't want it to end just yet. Time for the charm.

"You know, in my culture, when one person forgives another for being a walking hazard, they say this short but impactful statement: 'No hard feelings. Let's have coffee sometime'."

I swear I saw an uncertain smile tug at his lips. I wished he would just let it out. I pressed on, "So, what do you say? It's the least I can do for nearly trampling you to death?" 

Did I just ask him out on a date? 

He'd lowered his backpack to the ground next to his laptop bag and was looking up at me with those luminous eyes again. Definitely a slight smile there. 

Then that odd vortex-thing happened again. I was standing there like a goof, hand held out, when he looked at me the way he does and the English language escaped my brain in a puff. Eternity passed in the five seconds before he took my hand and it continued again after. His grip was firm and - don't laugh - electric. I could feel it flood my veins. I know he felt it too because I felt him tremble. His eyes were like lit diamonds as he took that one step towards me, then his lips were on mine.

I froze. 

His lips were surprisingly soft, full. Not like a woman's, firmer than a woman's, but for some reason also more sensual. I'm not sure which straight part of me had the thought, Gods, he smells fantastic but I was driven crazy by his closeness. When his moist tongue flicked at my lips I gasped and he eagerly accepted the entry granted. 

He was such a swirl of contradictions; too shy to say two words to me and then knocking all thoughts out of my head with sexy playful kisses. It shocked me, but more than that it excited me.

He tasted sweet, something he'd recently eaten, something strawberry-flavoured. And then there was the taste that was all him. That was sweet too, but in a different way. From the moment I identified it I wanted more. And more. I came undone when my tongue met his and groaned as my one hand came up to cup his jaw and the other circled his lean waist to draw him closer. My breathing was fast and ragged; though I couldn't be sure any oxygen was actually entering my lungs.

I heard him whimper deliciously and at the same time his arms circled my neck, bringing his thighs close enough to brush against mine. My cock jumped. When he rose up onto his toes, his flat abs teased mine, compelling me to tighten my grip around his waist. His smell was all over me as he rubbed against me. 

I could feel his rapidly growing hard-on.

My tongue possessed his mouth as his fingers sank into my hair. I'd never noticed before how sexy it was to share the moist heat of an unrestrained kiss, to share a brutal hunger with the one person who could satiate it. No woman had ever made me want to claim them the way I did him. His nails scored my scalp and hot tremors shot straight down my spine. My knees almost caved.

Still holding him, I fumbled down towards the blanket and sat on it. He straddled me. I loved the way his pant-clad thighs gripped me. He smiled at me for a moment, a full and happy smile, and it was so beautiful I paused in amazement; then he ducked his head and nibbled at my neck. When I felt his tongue on my pulse, heat everywhere. I moaned. I... moaned. 

My growing erection had solidified, trapped within my track pants. I squirmed, reaching between us to adjust its angle. He felt me and responded by wantonly grinding his own hardon back at me. Hot strawberry puffed out over my face as he sighed, getting swept up in his own erotic lap dance. I dropped my head back as another long moan escaped. My hands drifted down his toned back and grasped his arse to pull him closer. Perfect fit. I pulled him roughly to me, squeezing him and controlling his gyrations a little.

His arms tightened around my neck and I felt his lips at my earlobe. Those playful nips again, harder this time sent sizzling bolts down to join the others in a blaze in my sac. I growled and something took over me. 

I lifted him as I rose up on my knees then laid him down on the blanket, covering his tight body with my own bulk. His hair fell back and, for the first time, I had full close-up view of his whole face. His eyes were large, clear; with lashes quite long for a guy. His cheekbones and jaw were lean and firm. His lips, bruised from kissing, were red and sexier than any I'd ever seen.

He shivered as I lay across him and I couldn't resist capturing his lips again. The only coherent thought I had was that I did not want any of this to stop. I wanted to somehow mark this beautiful boy as mine. At that thought, the grinding of my hips became less controlled and more compulsive. I was consumed by heat and need; and driven nearly insane by feeling his reciprocation. 

He tightened his legs around my waist and his next thrust allowed me to feel the full length of his covered cock next to mine. Disjointed desires avalanched through me: wanting to see his penis, touch it, taste him, all of him, possess him, be inside him... The desire was mutual, that much was hotly obvious; but so was the frantic urgency. We were both too manic for release to get the first time right.


I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 01



I leaned on my forearms as the pace of my thrusts increased I dipped my head to the crook of his neck so I could savour his scent and lick his throat as his string of moans washed over me. He nipped at my neck below my ear, running his tongue over the spot after each bite, to sooth it. I couldn't control the shudders running through my body and I know he felt them too 'cause I felt him smile against my neck. I wished I could see it. One of my hands went down to grip his ass and pull him in harder, tighter. 

Then I felt it. The building, the tightening, the overtaking. And I lost my entire self. He was right there with me. His arms clasped around my back, pressing my chest to his. His thrusts were jerking wildly. Mindlessly my lips captured his as our rhythm quickened and he tipped over the edge. 

His muffled cries got me so hot I couldn't help myself, I followed right behind him with the most savage orgasm I'd ever known. I released his lips to let out a disbelieving roar as spurt after aching spurt shot from me relentlessly. And when his teeth clamped on my shoulder I thought I would pass out from the intensity.

I nuzzled his neck, gasping like no amount of oxygen would ever be enough. A loose grin was on my face as I lazily enjoyed the tingle in my toes, thighs, and everywhere else. Huge wonder my dick didn't burst off! Though it would need a thorough clean-up - both of us would need a nice hot shower to get rid of all this sweat and the semen puddled at our crotches. Our semen... 

Sanity slowly sifted into my brain, polluting the afterglow. What have I done? What have I done?

"Oh shit." 

I felt him stiffen before I even looked at him. But I couldn't stop the tumble of panic that left my mouth, "What the hell have I done? I'm not... not... And with a bloody student. Oh gods, you're just a kid!"

"I'm 18." The first words he spoke to me were a whisper.

"Exactly! An 18-year-old guy! You don't understand. I've never... could never..."

He shoved me aside and stood, groping desperately for his laptop and backpack. "Ok. Ok, I get it... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... I just thought... Damn it. I'm sorry."

I heard the tears in his soft voice and felt like a royal shit. "No, that's not what I meant. We need to talk."

"I'd really rather skip it. Please move." he was tugging ineffectually at the blanket beneath my feet. 

"No, not till we... sort this out. What's your name?" I could feel my pants sticking to the semen spread around my groin.

"Oh damn!" his humiliation was broadcast in his tone. 

"Please. I fucked up-"

"I get the message! Go home, have a drink - or ten - and forget about this whole mess. And me. Now move!"

"No, I didn't mean-"

"D'you know what? Fine, whatever. Keep the damn blanket." He stomped off before I could figure what was going on.

"No, wait! Please! We have to..."

What? 

* Ethan "Oh shit... Oh shit... Oh shit... Oh shit... Oh shit..."

That was internal. Externally, I think I may have been pulling off some sort of Zen facade. 

The internal litany began when my dick jumped at the sight of my architect from five years ago. Less than a minute had passed since he'd opened the door, yet I felt like I might burst into flame if expected to live through another excruciating minute like it. 

Of course I'd kissed him all those years ago - he'd been beautiful. Dreaming about him for months on end had led to a moment of freakish insanity. No thought had preceded my move to taste him and now he was looking at me in shocked expectation.

Seriously? I'm supposed to explain my hormonal, lovesick, teenage impulse?

That night, the kiss we'd shared had been impossible to forget. I realised how many times his face had skimmed my thoughts over the years, up to the moment that I unexpectedly found myself dripping on his doorstep, trying to formulate words, any words.

"Um. Um. Uhhh..." Great.

"Get in here. Why are you so wet? Where's your car?" 

Since I couldn't speak very well, I'm not too sure how well I explained my situation. He did, however, yell for a towel while he got me signed in with a friendly-faced clerk named Dan. Dan lifted his left eyebrow a lot. Like when I dripped on the reception desk. And when I had a hard time simultaneously staring at my architect and mastering enough English to give Dan the info he needed. And when my architect assured him that he was mistaken about all the rooms being occupied.

Wait. My architect?

He grabbed my bags, making no eye contact. Distaste, irritation, rejection - all familiar pals of mine. Most people I dealt with were put off by dealing with me. I'm just not the popular, charismatic type. Guess the effects are doubled on straight men who've been sexually harassed by gay boys.

"Um... Look, I didn't know this is where you- that you were-"

His tone was rough, "Not now, not here." 

His expression was so dark it is almost impossible to make out that his eyes were green. He was finally looking at me - but suspicion was not quite the expression I'd been hoping for. I didn't know what he was expecting me to say, but it didn't matter because he soon walked off. I followed; of course I did. I could follow that beautifully muscled arse to the ends of the earth, no matter the circumstances.

Standing outside, I had noticed that the guesthouse was made up of two wings sprawling to the left and right of the lobby area. My foul-spirited architect did not lead me to either wing, however. Passing the restaurant and adjacent bar, we walked up through the building's "spine"; out to a large square enclosed garden and then into a third wing, set higher up the property's slope. The interior was so impressive I wondered what my bill would be by the end of the ten days I intended staying. Did Dan mention rates during my mental fog? And why had I told them I was staying ten days? I could've booked for the night and then gone out to find some other accommodation in the morning.

The upstairs room he grimly opened to me was gorgeous and far enough to the back of the lodge to feel secluded and peaceful. When he dumped my bag and left without a word, I shakily forced out a petrified breath in gratitude and looked around. It was a large corner suite. There were settees and a coffee table by the massive west-facing windows and the double bed faced the sliding doors leading out onto the sea-view balcony. I stepped out and realised it was a long balcony, running along the entire side of this wing, with another room's door opening onto it at the far end. I could only pray that it was unoccupied, or, at least, didn't have over-zealous social types in it.

A knock at my door called me away from the mesmerising ocean. Dan smiled when I opened. His left eyebrow was down in its normal position.

"Aiden asked me to bring these up in case you wanted to take a shower immediately. This room hasn't been used in a while, so housekeeping wouldn't have dropped any fresh ones off."

He held out a large pair of slippers and an even larger robe and walked past me with fresh towels and started packing them in the cherrywood dresser next to the bathroom door.

"Aiden?"

He turned to me. Now the eyebrow's up, "The man who brought your bag up?"

"Oh, the manager."

"The owner."

"Oh."

After an odd look he continued neatly arranging towels then took two into the bathroom.

"Let me know if you need anything else, just dial 9 on the phone. I'm also the most clued up on social life around here, so shout if you want to go sightseeing. There are some great restaurants, though none that beat Rachel, our in-house chef. Speaking of which, are you hungry? The kitchen closed half an hour ago, but I should be able to conjure up a light lunch for you if you don't mind a cold one."

"No. Thanks." 

Quick shrug. "Alrighty. Anyway, there's also a market down on the beachfront every Sunday. You might dig that. Lots of socialising, minimal spending. By the way, do you speak... more?"

He came and took the oversized robe and slippers from me and went to put them in the closet.

"Sure. Um, sorry. And thanks for the offer to show me around, but I don't think we'd share a common taste in social spots."

How did he get that brow even higher? "Oh really? Well I am the only one on staff who knows the address of the new gay bar that opened in central town. I'm also the only one who can get you into the small exclusive gay club downtown since my partner manages it. And, considering gay people do the rest of the stuff that the other boring folk do, I figure I'm pretty well equipped to take you eating, shopping, hiking or whatever."

He was grinning from ear to ear by the time I swooned at his third "gay".

"I didn't say I was-"

His look turned quizzical, "So you're bi? Sorry, I was just so sure."

"No, you're right. I am gay. But how did you know? I don't exactly... swish."

His grin was back. "I ogled Aiden the same way for about a month when I started working here. Six foot two of golden muscle will do that to you. Or maybe it's those stunning green eyes."

He laughed. I didn't have to ask why; I'd felt the heated blush begin in my neck and rise from there.

"Don't fret; the man's an irresistible god - how are you supposed to ignore that?" His gaze turned lewdly conspiratorial as he headed for the door. "Enjoy your shower."

My blush deepened. His impish laugh skipped around me as he closed the door behind himself.

* My shower was a long one. The moment I stepped under the spray my imagination had Aiden in there with me. Despite his grim welcome, I found myself unable to stop thinking about his sun-streaked brown hair and his sensuous lips. I wondered what his large frame looked like naked. He was well built, not in the manner of gym freaks, more of a blend of genetic gifts and a healthy lifestyle. 

Six foot two of golden muscle... I tugged at the erection that had been simmering since I'd arrived and its heat hit boiling point. I raised my face to the spray and savoured the feel of the rivulets running down my stomach, across my groin and down my thighs. I remembered the way Aiden had touched my face five years ago as we lay on that blanket in the sunset. His fingers had skimmed my face as lightly as the water down my body now. Oh, the thought of those hands all over my body...

Well, I'd certainly succeeded in blocking out the pain and fear of... that other guy. I would laugh at the exhilaration of not thinking of him for a whole hour - if I didn't feel like crying, because crushing on a straight guy was far, far worse.

And yet here I was, stroking my dick to the recent memories of Aiden's deep voice and powerful arms. Slick with the mixture of water and precum and aching for the completion of a five-year-old fantasy. Six foot two of golden muscle...

My nipples pebbled and my cock was aching like it did when I was fourteen and Matt the surfer had moved into the house down the street. My strokes sped up as my other hand slid down to cup my heavy balls and give them a tug. I moaned as I pictured Aiden on his knees, taking my length between those sexy lips; and that was all it took. Within seconds I was leaning weak-kneed against the tiled wall, spurting like a teenager.

After drying off, I put on the plush robe. It was so luxurious; I didn't know how I was ever going to take it off. Aiden certainly knew how to make his guests want to stay forever. 

A thought occurred to me and I went to the bed. I picked up the phone and dialled 9.

Dan was prompt, "Mr Montgomery?"

That threw me. "No, uh, Dan. It's me, Ethan. You brought me towels earlier."

I'd never heard his laugh sound anything but mischievous, "Yes, Mr Gray. I must've read the room number on the switchboard all wrong. You need anything?"

"Yes and, please, call me Ethan. I've just noticed that I wasn't given a roomkey. Could you please send it up?"

Pause.

"Uh, sure. In fact, I'll get Aiden to sort this out himself,"

"No! You don't have to-" Dial tone.

I panicked. And since my panicking tends to come sans rational thought but loaded with impulsive action, I cinched my giant robe as best I could and ran from my room. I had to get to Dan and that key. I needed more time before having to deal with the grim Mr Montgomery. 

I flew down the stairs and tripped on the last one, but fortunately I was saved from smooching the laminated wood floor by muscular arms and a solid chest. Goosebumps blossomed up my arms and even before I looked up I knew it would be into Aiden's irritated gaze.

"I'm sorry. I think I tripped on the robe."

"You were planning on running out there in just this?" 

I felt my neck warm and prayed for the damn blush not to make it to my face. "I, uh, had to see Dan. Urgently."

His eyes narrowed sharply in an expression I couldn't name, then he took a deep breath. As his chest rose, I became aware of his grip on me and my treacherous body doing all it could to mould itself to his hard heat. I felt like I was being sniffed out by a predator on the hunt. I wanted to nuzzle his neck and run my tongue along his jawline. I jerked back before he caught me out.

His green eyes pinned me in place, "How did you find me?"

Confrontation time and I was anything but prepared. "I didn't. I was on my way up the coast with a friend, but then I changed my mind on the way and came here."

"Why?"

I groped for a less feeble answer then gave up and muttered, "I don't know."

The air around us vibrated with Aiden's angry growl of disbelief. "You expect me to believe that you wandered into a town that you don't know with nowhere else to stay, in the middle of peak vacationing season - and my doorstep, all the way up the hill, outside of the town itself is the place where you coincidentally find yourself?" His gaze narrowed threateningly, "Don't insult my intelligence. Now cut to the chase."

His menacing expression terrified me, which served only to increase my confusion. "I don't- I don't know what you mean by-"

"How. Much?" The words snapped from between clenched teeth.

I cowered against the banister behind me. "How much what? I really don't-"

The disgust on his face almost distracted me from his words and their meaning, "You have obviously been doing your homework. At some point between that night and this day, you found who I was... how much I have. Once the greed had wormed its way into that stupid little head of yours, you discarded all common sense and decided to find me; and what? See how much money you could wheedle out of me to keep my fiancée in the dark? Well, I have news for you. I don't give a damn who you tell. It's too late. I won't have-"

"You're engaged." 

That's all I comprehended from his vicious tirade. 

The last time I'd seen Mark, the night I'd gotten a restraining order against him, he'd smashed a glass in my face in a club. When I'd fallen to the floor, he'd kicked me. In said face. Large shards had lodged themselves in various parts of my face. I still sport two very faint scars, a small one above my right eye and a larger one along my jaw. Doctors had said I was lucky that he'd missed my eye, tongue and throat. 

This hurt more than that.

"Yes, I'm engaged. What game are you playing?"

"No game." I husked. "I really didn't know any of it. That you own this place, or that you're getting married. But don't worry; I'll be out by morning."

I made a move for the stairs, praying that I wouldn't collapse before reaching my room, but he blocked my path. I hated being cornered. Being mocked, threatened or despised were normally simpler to deal with as the other party were never too keen on being around the source of their disgust for long. But the ones who insisted on confrontation made it unbearable. He wasn't saying a word, just staring as if reaching into me and touching parts I would never share with anyone.

Finally he spoke. "Ok. I believe you. It's all damned strange, but I believe you."

I sagged in relief, but then tensed immediately when he added, "But you can't leave."

"No, I must-"

"You won't find any accommodation in Plett or any of the surrounding towns. This region gets booked full every December, what with Christmas coming, and all the summer tourists. Plus you don't have a car. Forget it, you have to stay. We'll figure something out over the next few days."

How many days can I stand, watching you and the woman you love? How long before it breaks me?

"I can't stay. Your fiancée-"

"Isn't here for the next week. Look, don't worry about her. I'm offering you a room, please accept it as apology for the things I said to you. I don't normally blow up like that, guess it's the godawful time I've had lately." 

It actually took me a moment to remind myself that the cause of his 'godawful time' was none of my business. Let his big-breasted bimbo lick his wounds for him. "That's alright."

"No, it's not. I had no right to use you as a punching bag, no matter how lousy things have been for me."

No one had ever taken back hurtful things they'd done to me before. That is what I blame for my moment of weakness.

"Listen, I'll stay, if you quit beating yourself up about this. It's no big deal, really."

Again I tried to circle and pass him, and again he stood in my way. I didn't know how much longer I'd be able to face that muscular chest without making a fool of myself by nuzzling into it.

"Dan called me, he said you needed me."

Shit. "Oh, no. Well-" I croaked

"You don't?"

"No, I do. Yes. But-"

"Which is it?"

I don't know. "I don't have a roomkey. I called Dan to ask if he could have it sent up. I didn't think he'd send you."

"Oh, that. There isn't one."

"What? That can't be right. What happens when I go out?"

"You close your door. I'll give you the spare keys to the main and back doors of this wing. Your things will be perfectly safe."

"But-"

"Ok, here's the deal: the two lower wings that you saw out front, those are the actual guesthouse. This northern wing is private."

"Private?"

"Yes, it's my personal home. The guesthouse is completely booked as it is every peak season. You are staying free of charge in a guest suite in my home. The second door on the balcony upstairs leads into the master bedroom. My bedroom."

With that, he left.

* Aiden The Montgomery had been an early inheritance from my grandparents two years ago. It had been their home of thirty years by then, secluded and sprawled out at the top of the enormous piece of land they'd bought on Victory Hill. They were now in Cape Town, retired and frustrating my parents with outlandish business and decor advice. My granddad wants my parents to paint their living room walls red.

My brother, Chris, had shown zero interest in owning half of an aging seaside home, so I'd bought his share and set about renovating. A guesthouse had been born out of impulse, intuition and serendipity. I'd loved the end result so much that I couldn't sell it for profit as I'd originally intended. After four months of avoiding putting it on the market, my father had hinted that I might benefit from actually working the place. So, a year ago, I sold Chris most of my shares in the family business - he thrived there so much more than I ever had anyway - invested the money, and moved out to Plettenberg Bay with Carolynn.

And it was the best advice, I'd ever taken. Sitting behind my desk in my home office, I felt like I truly belong in this town, and this life. Even despite the photos, papers and tapes scattered on my desk. 

Carolynn had spat pure fury when I'd asked her to give up the glamour of being a pampered socialite and begin a new life in a fairly small town. We'd argued almost daily for the last year. She'd even tried withholding sex, which hadn't bothered me as much as I'd thought it would. Then she'd started taking longer and longer trips into the city. I should've known what was coming.




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 01



Ms Kelley, private investigator, watched me in silent empathy as I looked at hard evidence of my fiancée's infidelity. Ms Kelley had phoned me three days ago and I'd insisted on hearing her findings over the phone: Carolynn was sleeping with a married 54-year-old business tycoon who was providing her with every monetary luxury she demanded. I'd dropped the receiver at the end of the conversation, angry but not entirely surprised. 

I'd immediately called Dan and had him arrange for all of Carolynn's belongings to be boxed and moved to the small guest bedroom until she could collect them. I appreciated his discretion when he came up and took care of it himself, no questions asked. After that I'd called my mother; who'd been marvellous at consoling me and cancelling all the wedding arrangements that she could in the last three days. Then I'd gone to the clinic and gotten tested. The results came back clean - my one silver lining.

Now all that is left is to face Carolynn and personally kick her out of my life for good. She was in the city for another week, which was fine by me - I couldn't stomach her just yet.

I escorted Ms Kelley out of the study after thanking her for her work. She eyed me sadly yet again then surprised me by enfolding me in her tiny arms. The woman was small but strong, and it turned out that a little compassion was just what I needed in that moment. I amazed myself by hugging her back in gratitude. A thump, a tumble and a groan in the foyer broke us apart. We turned to see Ethan, who appeared to have been sneaking out of the house before he tripped over the little foyer table. The man should come with an "Accident Prone" sign.

He blushed up at us sheepishly, "I didn't want to interrupt. Hi, you must be Aiden's fiancée." He stood and shook hands with Ms Kelley.

She was straightforward, "Faye Kelley. And, no, I'm not the fiancée. In fact, I don't imagine she'd be too happy to find me here."

I walked her out. "Thanks again for everything. This has meant a lot to me."

She gave me a small smile, "Just wish it could've been different."

"I know. Goodbye."

I closed the door wearily. Ethan was still in the foyer, looking rather hot under the collar. 

"That wasn't your fiancée."

"No."

"You hold everyone you don't intend marrying that intimately?"

Is he serious? "That wasn't intimate holding. You, more than most, would know what my 'intimate holding' is like."

He blushed at that, but didn't seem at all appeased. "I'm not judging you or anything," Right. "I would just prefer not to bear witness to your illicit affairs."

"Are you kidding me? You've been stuttering and quivering since you arrived here, and this is what brings you out of your shell? You don't even know what the hell's going on. And, as for my affairs... Hey, I don't owe you any explanations, so kindly back off. Gods, anyone would think you're my bloody fiancé!"

Ethan glared at me and I was momentarily thrown by the amazing shine that came into his eyes. They really were like diamonds. Something happened in my chest, something hot and unexpected - I nervously smothered it before it could take hold. Ethan just shook his head at me before slamming out the front door.

Shitty. This has been a really shitty week.

* Ethan Hiding has become a forte of mine. I came out of the closet when I was fifteen, and have been hiding from my father ever since. My mother had embraced me and loved me since my confession till the day she died in a car wreck a year later. My father, on the other hand, had withdrawn behind hateful glares and daily bigoted comments. The more I hid from him, the less he was able to hurt me. 

University had almost scared me witless. Its size, the overwhelming personalities I'd met - my world had grown majorly. Keeping mostly to myself and as far under the radar as I could, became my coping mechanism. The less people noticed me, the less chance they'd find a reason to hate me. It worked for me. Well, not really, but it was a necessary evil I had learnt to accept.

Now, not only am I on the run from Mark, but I've spent the weekend hiding from Aiden - in his own house. I've been holed up in my room, working. Not because I need to, but because working was the only way of getting Aiden Montgomery out of my mind. He of the deep voice, the dashing good looks and the mesmerising confidence. He even had a bloody Knight-of-the-Round-Table type name. I'd spent my life losing to guys like him. I'm afraid of what losing this time could mean for me.

I already felt like I was losing. I mean, what the hell was I thinking two days ago, confronting him about his girlfriend? I shuddered at the memory. The words, the way I felt had just slipped out before I'd collected enough sense to stop myself. There was no way I could face him after that.

I groaned and sank further into the pillows. I felt like I was the dim-witted prey and he was the lion, ready to pounce when I least expect it. I rolled my stiff neck, saved my work and turned off the laptop.

The bedside clock read 20:50. What the heck, an early night would be good for me. I stripped, took a shower then climbed into bed. I'd dialled Sam's cell number before I knew what I was doing.

On the third ring, "Have you forgotten about him?"

"Huh?"

"Mark."

"Huh?"

"Oh that's fantastic! But what could possibly have distracted you after a mere 3 days? Or should I say who? And how big is he? Hopefully waaay more than 3 inch-"

"Sam." Sometimes I just wanted to hiss and spit at him. Fortunately the rest of the time I wanted to hug him, so thus far the balance has been worthwhile. I did, however, tell him all. Well, most of it. 

After an awful moment of silence, "Sugar, please don't go falling for a straight guy. I hated seeing what Mark had done to you; but this, this will kill you."

I rubbed my throbbing temple, "Don't worry, I've already told myself that speech ten times. It's just that it's such a bizarre coincidence, don't you think? Randomly landing on his doorstep like that?"

"Yeah. Of all of the doorsteps, in all the peninsulas, you had to step onto the one belonging to the engaged, straight guy. Get your head out of the clouds, sugar. The man is not interested; he's taken for goodness sake."

"Well, that commitment doesn't look too airtight." I mumbled shamefully.

"So? The goon's clearly too close-minded to release a side of himself that's obviously interested in exploration, maybe more. And the fact that he's willing to hurt you like that, then and now, makes him a coward and a fool."

"Sam, please don't call him names. You're assuming the worst about him and you could be wrong." Why am I defending him?

"And if I am? Are you telling me you're planning on taking more of this abuse while hoping to turn him gay and get him to come out?"

"Don't."

"Or would a short-term fuckfest suffice? And even if you succeed, you get him in your bed; what then, sugar? The most you can expect is one week of fantastic sex followed by rejection when he can't bring himself to commit. I know his type. He'll kick you out of his life the moment the holiday's over."

I felt something ugly coming to the boil in my gut. I just wanted some quiet, some sleep. Not this. "Samuel, I may not be sure 'bout what I'm doing but I'm a grown man and can take care of myself. I just needed to unload a little. Agh, this talk's doing more damage than good. Let's just drop it, ok? Goodnight."

I replaced the receiver before he could respond.

* Aiden I'm down in The Montgomery, in the plush office I use to impress (or intimidate) when meetings come to my turf. I'm not hiding. Not really. 

Mike - Michaela, my brother's wife - had picked out the decor. A large Oriental rug on the wooden floor, wooden venetian blinds at the windows behind my oversized desk; and a combination of antique wood and dark leather furniture gave the room a feel of confident masculinity. African paintings and sculptures were my favourite items in here. So much so, that I bought some for the main house as well.

No meeting today, though. I'm on the phone with my financial advisor, not hearing a clear word he's said since mentioning that most of my investments are doing better than we could have hoped for, considering the markets. I could have taken this call in the small study I have in my home, but Ethan is there. For some reason, I appear to be on a quest to act a fool around the man. I, Mr Charm, have never tripped all over myself, nor been as offensive with anyone as I have since his arrival. 

And yet you made sure to keep him here. Why?

"Aiden?"

"Hm? I'm sorry, what?" I can hear by Rick's concerned tone that he must have called my name a few times already.

"You sound preoccupied. No worries, just the property issue and then I'll cut you loose. I was asking what you want to do about those investments? Residential property values have taken a dive, but the business sites seem to be holding on a little stronger. Do you want to play it safe and bail? It could be a while before things swing back up to the way they were."

"I'm in it for the long haul, Rick. So hang on to all the property."

"Smart man." 

Another two minutes and we wrapped up, leaving me with my thoughts of Ethan. How is it possible for another man to take up so much of my inner space? When I had sat down at my desk half an hour ago, instead of calling Rick right away, my first call had been to Rachel in the kitchen, ordering a ridiculously lavish breakfast to be sent up to the house as soon as she was done with the crowd in the restaurant. To the man who'd nearly snapped my head off the last time we'd spoken.

I'm afraid of scrutinising my reaction to Ethan. It challenges aspects of my identity that I had thought needed no discussion. There's a sort of magnetic dance that we're doing with each other, neither able to avoid what is now starting to look like the inevitable. 

Oh, the inevitable, hey? And what is that precisely?

The kiss five years ago flashed hotly in my mind and my groin tightened. No. I am not fantasising about making love to the man because he is a man. If I were gay or bi or whatever, wouldn't these feelings for men have surfaced in my teens? I'd never even been curious about any other man. And I'd heard many say that they'd known even before their teens. Nothing in me knows anything. Except when I think of Ethan and that crazy vortex silkily draws me in. There'd even been a sliver of jealousy when he'd been so eager to get to Dan a few days ago. I was afraid of what that meant, the same way I didn't want to scrutinise the satisfaction of holding him after he nearly fell. 

Circles, all I did was spin in circles when it came to Ethan Gray.

I opened one of the desk drawers and took out the extra set of keys I'd promised him. A slight excitement rose in me at the thought of giving him the keys and security codes so that he could share my home. Before more perplexing ideas could form, I stood and headed up to the house.

It was quiet as I entered and the kitchen was empty. At first I assumed Ethan must've decided to eat upstairs, but as I turned to leave the kitchen, I caught a glimpse of him through the window. He was sitting out on the back verandah. The kitchen, with its creamy walls and cherrywood cupboards, had very large windows to allow plenty of light in. The windows also gave a wonderful view of my private backyard. The verandah led off to a stone-paved area with a pool to the right and a lawn to the left. At the far end of the lawn a concealed gate opened onto a hidden path that led all the way down to a little secluded beach. It's a beautiful view and that's what must've drawn Ethan out.

I walked quietly to the backdoor, not wanting to disturb him. From this vantage point I was able to watch him in profile as he lifted lids off the dishes on the tray before him. Breakfast must just have arrived. There was bacon and eggs with grilled mushrooms and tomatoes; another plate held pancakes; and yet another, sliced fruit next to a bowl of muesli. Smaller bowls were also arranged on the tray each containing berry jam, marmalade, honey, freshly whipped cream and vanilla ice cream. How could Rachel let me order so much??

Ethan drew the pancakes, honey and ice cream closer -Really? For breakfast?- and I found myself gut-punched by the joy on his face as he savoured the first bite. As each bite elicited more reactions, I was surprised to find that I was tightly gripping the doorjamb. When he moaned on the final bite I was forced to consciously steady my breathing.

Ten minutes later, pancakes all gone, I assumed he was satisfied. Wrong. After a moment's hesitation he impishly dipped a finger in the honey bowl then stuck it between his full lips and sucked hard. I hardened in seconds and, instinctively, my hand went down to squeeze the ache. This I could not watch, not if I didn't intend grabbing him in a minute. I retreated into the kitchen and set some coffee brewing. Then I leaned against the cooking island and just breathed. When the coffee finished brewing, I got a large glass of cool water and poured the coffee into two mugs and headed out the backdoor.

"Thought you might like something to drink after that Winnie the Pooh impression you just pulled."

He started and his slight jump was accompanied by a dull thud that I assumed was his knee connecting with the table leg. He ignored it though and stared at me with shock and a little apprehension.

"How yong have foo meen wathing me?" His finger was still in his mouth. The honey bowl was empty.

"Since the first pancake." 

He slowly extracted his finger and the sexiness of it almost made me scowl again. I looked away and quickly sat down across from him. I put the glass and one mug in front of him. He took long grateful swallows of water, avoiding looking at me.

"I wasn't sure how you take your coffee, so I took a guess and added cream and two sugars."

"That's perfect." The apprehension was still there, he's waiting for me to attack or blow up. It frustrated me.

"Look, uh, uh," Is it my name he's struggling with? He decided to skip it. "I had no right to attack you about, about.. her. You were right. This is your house and you're a grown man who certainly owes me no explanation."

"I'm sorry for being such a bastard to you." He blinked in surprise, but chose to hold his tongue and wait me out. "Again."

He sipped his coffee thoughtfully and, as I'd hoped, all his defences seemed to melt as his face lit up, "This is amazing. Where'd you get this?"

"I made it. I promised you coffee that night."

His ears went pink. "I shouldn't have kissed you. I don't know why I did."

"Maybe because it's what a gay guy does with a man he finds attractive."

His eyes widened as the blush deepened. I don't blame him, I wasn't expecting that either. Needless to say, my behaviour's been crazier than usual of late. He ducked his head and his hair fell forward; I had to clasp my fingers together to keep from brushing it back. 

"You know what I mean," he whispers.

"The bigger question is why did I kiss you back?" 

Now why the hell would you go and say that?

He looked up sharply. My strained smile dropped as agitated defensiveness rose; I dropped the set of keys on the table. 

"Keys, as promised."

"Aiden." My name left his lips on a whisper that made my stomach clench. He looked into my eyes, "The bigger question. I was wondering what the answer is."

Now I shifted awkwardly and cursed myself for starting something I could not possibly finish. So I stood. 

"I don't know, Ethan. There's something between us, it's impossible to ignore. As to what it is, who knows? Possibly a big mess bringing more stress than I want. And a mess is the last thing I need right now. I have nothing to offer you. So what's the point of scratching at this or making meaningless promises?"

Having royally fucked up the moment, I decided to run like the coward that I'd become. I didn't see his tears but, somehow, I felt them.

* For two days I lived like a fugitive in my own home. After hurting Ethan the way I had, I couldn't bear to face him; so I made sure to avoid spending too much time around the house. I left early each day and ate breakfast in the guesthouse office. I scheduled meetings back to back and made sure not to set foot in the north wing before bedtime. 

To be honest, I was also running from the way I felt around him. I wanted to wipe his tears, not cause them. I wanted to hold him and let the fireworks in my chest just soar whichever way they wished. I wanted to kiss him, taste him, to remind myself of the feel of his skin. I wanted to hear him moan my name...

The sun was already quite high when I woke up Thursday morning. It must've been the exhaustion brought on by the stress of tiptoeing around my guest and my feelings, but I hadn't slept this late in a long time. I rolled over and squinted at the clock - 09:08. Shit, Ethan would be up by now.

Avoiding going downstairs, I swept the sliding door drapes aside and stepped out onto the balcony - and promptly froze. Ethan. He was there. More than that, he wasn't wearing a shirt. He was at his end of the balcony with his back to me so he didn't yet know I was out there. He was wearing loose-fitting pants and crouched in a yoga pose, a bright red yoga mat beneath his feet. I swallowed at the sight of his firm thighs and rounded butt straining against the light, blue fabric. His skin gleamed with a thin sheen of sweat. 

Leave... now.

I stood transfixed as he inhaled a deep and steady breath while lifting his arms above his head, palms facing each other. His skin was taut and peachy. The lean muscles of his back danced smoothly into the new position. On the exhale his palms came together and he lowered them to his chest then twisted his torso to his right. I held my breath and prayed that he wouldn't notice me out the corner of his eye. He didn't. His eyes were closed. I wanted to kiss his soft eyelids. On his next inhalation he faced forward again, lifting his arms to the sky and rising out of the crouch. Before I could let out a sigh of relief he exhaled, bending his body in half at the waist till his palms touched the floor.

Fuck.

Before I could stop it, an image flashed through my mind: gripping his hips possessively, tightly enough to bruise him as I pound into-

I ducked back into my room as if dodging a bullet. These thoughts were tormenting me more frequently each day that he spent here; and I finally acknowledged that I needed a resolution or risk losing my mind.

In the shower the water helped soothe my muscles and ease my turmoil somewhat. It did nothing for my erection, though. I hadn't been this turned on and emotionally conflicted in years. I tried to remember a simpler time in an uncomplicated relationship.

Varsity. I'd dated a pretty brunette named Jemma. We'd shagged like rabbits for the entire duration of our relationship, until she had left to complete her studies in the UK. I recalled her face, flushed and sweaty as she rode me. I threw my head back against the shower wall and increased the pace of my stroke. Had her thighs been soft or firm? I teased my leaking slit as I tried to recall. 

Ethan's were hot and firm and felt like they were made to cradle me. Not once in the time that I'd known Jemma - or Carolynn, for that matter - had I wanted to walk up behind her, grab her, ram her, climb into her. Had I ever wanted to consume her till she could speak no word other than my name? Ever noticed beauty in more than just her sexual parts?

No. 

Ethan had little things that I'd never thought about in aesthetic terms before. Like that spot a few inches below his neck where his shoulder blades met. I could spend an hour licking that and be content. And the slightly lighter shade of the insides of his wrists in comparison to the rest of his arms made the skin there look so soft. And the two grooves that ran on either side of his pelvis where his thighs met his groin, made my breath hitch. Well, that could also be because my balls were pulling up sharply as precum drooled down, slickening the length of my painfully swollen penis. Slick enough to glide satisfyingly into his tight warmth.




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 01



No! I can't be coming to thoughts of-

Ethan's beaded nipples, his gleaming skin, his tight arse. His tight arse.

His tight arse! My orgasm exploded before I could coherently recognise its arrival, before I could stop it. It rumbled up my legs and made me thrust reflexively, moaning because my hand simply wasn't enough. The skin on my back prickled as I thought about him right there, within reach. I sank against the wall. 

When the hell did I stop thinking about Carolynn - no, Jemma - and start fantasising about the man on my balcony?

I didn't dwell on it. I fled.

I slipped from my room in calf-length shorts and a t-shirt and headed to the downstairs guest bathroom to retrieve my wetsuit and hightail it out of there. I'd heard reports of some decent waves and hoped a few hours spent surfing would loosen me up. And keep me away from Ethan. I breathed a sigh of relief as my front door closed behind me.

Coward.

Then I stiffened two steps into the enclosed garden between my home and the guesthouse. Ethan was crouching on the paving in the centre, shoulders slumped. His forehead was leaning on one knee and the sunlight hit the back of his head, making his hair shine. He'd heard my footsteps and spun around, snapping his startled gaze to mine. 

Now the sun picked up the tears in his eyes, making each drop gleam before it fell to his cheek. His irises were sparkling again, but it's different to the other times. They were so light they were almost colourless, bright with the pain that had driven him to his knees beneath the clear blue skies.

I didn't stop to think. I dropped my bag and strode to him, heart reaching out. He turned his face from me as if to hide, but I dropped down and embraced him anyway. His skin and hair were warm, his tears cool against my neck. I held him tightly, rubbing his back with one hand and combing the fingers of the other through his hair. I squeezed him to me until his tense withdrawal melted and his resistance poured out with the sobs he no longer tried to stifle. He shook as his arms went around my neck and locked us together as if he were breathing only through the breaths I drew.

I stood and he moved with me, refusing or unable to loosen his hold on my neck, so I wrapped him in my arms and lifted him. He seemed to hesitate until I crooned, "It's ok, baby." then his legs circled my waist and I was able to walk into the house with him. 

I headed straight for his room, rubbing the agonised curve of his spine the whole way. When we got there, I sat on the bed with him on my lap and leaned back against the continental pillows. I eased him down beside me as the weeping slowly ebbed. At the same time I felt the tight knot in my chest ease and unfurl, making it a little easier to breathe. I'd never had such an acute reaction to another's pain before.

Probably because I knew I was the cause of this particular torment. I'd insisted that Ethan stay in my home and then done nothing but needle him since he'd arrived - and finally he'd broken down. I was ashamed of myself. Now I had to face the consequences. When his strength and senses returned he'd lash out, no doubt. And insist on packing up and leaving. I'd understand such a desire, but also knew that I had to do whatever it took to make sure that didn't happen. I had no idea how convince him to stay. 

Well, an apology was a good first step. I took a breath. And a second, deeper one.

"Ethan... I'm so sorry. Seems like I'm always apologising to you... You don't deserve anything I've said to you, or the way I've treated you. Seeing you like this... it's awful. I know you probably want to get as far away from as you can - why do I always make you want to run from me? - but please give me one more chance. I think something's happening between us, whether I understand it or not. I know what I said before, but... I think about you... and want to touch you. But that's not all there is: I want to see you happy, like the way your eyes sparkled when you stood on my doorstep, sopping wet but with a grin on your face the day you arrived. I want-"

A snort came from my chest area. I stopped and listened. Nothing. Then I looked down. Ethan was fast asleep, snuggled up on my chest. His long black lashes fanned his cheeks and soft, sweet breaths burst from his lips at regular intervals. I inhaled deeply, savouring the moment, pretending for a heartbeat or two that he was mine to hold and I was in his dreams as he slumbered. He probably didn't hear a word I'd whispered. Would he be interested in listening when he woke up? I doubted it.

I eased him off me, deciding to let him enjoy his peace. Getting his arms untangled was tricky as he tightened his grip when I tried to get him to let go. I smiled at his mumbled protests, taking a little satisfaction in the thought that I might not be the only one caught in this unshakeable bond.

"Ethan, baby, let go. Shhh..." I finally stood.

"Mark, please. Don't... go..."

The plea shot straight through my core and an instant chill whipped around my throat and settled at the nape of my neck. Mark? 

Obviously his partner, you self-deluding dipstick. Shallow breaths, shallow breaths, why the hell couldn't I get a deeper breath in?

I numbly reached for the green throw at the foot of the bed and covered him with it. My hand went to brush his hair back when I came to my senses and clenched it instead. 

Then I turned and left.



I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 02



~Ethan~

My eyes slowly blinked open. What happened? I was sprawled on top of my made bed with a light blanket covering me. And my head was pounding.

Ah, Mark. 

He'd called. I don't know how he'd gotten my new number, but he'd called and demanded to know where I was. 

Soon followed the same old spiral that we always plummeted into when fighting. He demanded and I placated; he screamed and I begged; he insulted and threatened and I slowly caved in under the strain. 

Reminding him of the restraining order I had out against him had only worsened his tirade. 

Distance was the only thing that would allow me to reassemble myself. This morning I'd sucked in desperate breaths and fought back tears as he'd hurled his rage at me. No matter how much I'd pleaded I knew he'd never leave me alone. 

So I'd hung up. 

Then my phone had rung incessantly. I'd finally switched it off, but when I turned it back on almost an hour later, my voicemail inbox was full of hateful messages from him. I don't know what happened after that.

Aiden. He'd seen me - outside, in the middle of a breakdown. I groaned into the pillow. My headache vibrated to every edge of my skull. I couldn't imagine what he must think of me.

Well, better to face him sooner rather than later, to just deal with it. Let him laugh or ridicule me if he wanted. I checked the time; it was well after noon,

/Really?/

My stomach growled, so I believed it. Having missed breakfast, I decided to go build my strength before facing Aiden. He'd been busy lately and was probably out for the day anyway.

I heard the voices when I reached the top of the stairs. Surprisingly, Aiden was, in fact, home today. He sounded irritable and terse. Well, nothing unusual there.

I tiptoed down warily.

"I said he's sleeping. He's had a rough morning and I'm not going to disturb his rest."

"That's fine. I'll wait."

/Sam?/

"Then feel free to make yourself comfortable in one of the lounges down in the Montgomery."

I found them squared off in the foyer. Aiden was wearing beach shorts and a fitted Batman t-shirt. He looked gorgeous - and ready to pounce on poor Sam who was making a fair attempt at not backing down. Unfortunately for him Aiden was very tall and built like a warrior, which did not bide well for my good friend. 

"Sam? What are you doing here?" 

They both turned at the sound of my voice. I noticed a light redness come to Aiden's cheeks, but did not get the chance to wonder about it. Sam was in Florence Nightingale mode.

"There you are! I've come to fetch you. I tried calling ahead so you could get packed but your phone's been off."

"Ethan's not going anywhere." Aiden snarled.

I was probably more surprised than Sam, but he was the one to snort derisively, "I'd say I'm in a better position to judge since I actually know him. It's best that he comes with me so I can take care of him."

"And I'm saying he's in no condition to travel; you'll have me to deal with if you try to take him from this house."

"Who the hell are you to-"

I stepped between them. "Sam, have you met Aiden? He owns the Montgomery. Aiden, Sam - an old friend of mine."

No handshake. Big surprise.

I forced a smile to my lips when I faced Sam, but I know every single dagger my eyes shot hit its mark.

"Wanna tell me why you aren't hounding poolboys and working on your tan?"

"I told you that I'd prefer to have you close, where I can take care of you."

"And I told you to let me do this my way."

"Come on, sugar," I didn't miss the jump in Aiden's eyebrows. "I've been at my wits end since you called me the other night. You're not in a good frame of mind. You didn't really expect me to go right back to sipping frozen daiquiris, did you? And when you wouldn't take any of my calls..." 

My sigh was a weary one. "My phone was off because He called again, same old rant. I couldn't take it so I switched it off."

Sam tensed. "Have you called the police?"

"Not yet, I... didn't have the strength. He was so hateful, Sam."

"Whoa, what's this about? Who called again?" Aiden demanded.

Sam's gaze narrowed. "This is the reason why I'm taking Ethan with me. His ex has been harassing him for the last month or two. He'd been a pest after their break-up a year ago, but had eventually left him alone. Now he's back and-"

"-picking up where he left off?" Aiden directed the question at me.

I nodded. He inhaled deeply through his nose as if calming something within. I started swaying dizzily as he scrutinised my face. No man should be allowed eyes such as those.

"That is why you were so upset earlier?"

Again, I nodded. "Mark's changed. He's so much worse than before."

"Mark." Aiden's eyes darkened, his expression a tide-pool of fury and protectiveness.

Well, I suppose I had been a bit of a mess, no wonder he was upset. His jaw clenched, which sexily pressed his full lips together. Unbelievably, my nipples tingled while I watched his broad shoulders shift restlessly. He looked like he was controlling the urge to punch a wall. 

He was like a confined beast. And I'm nothing but a horny dolt around this man.

Sam cleared his throat.

I turned to him, "Sam, I don't know... I can't go with you. I feel safe here, it's secluded; and he doesn't know where I am. He's gonna contact you too, I know it. At least he won't hound you if I'm not with you."

"But, sugar-"

Aiden growled from behind me, raising the hairs at the back of my neck. I didn't need to turn to know that he was scowling down at my friend.

"I'll take care of him. We'll notify the local police; I know the captain. I'll have a talk with him and find out what needs to be done to get this jerk picked up and tossed behind bars. I won't let anything happen to Ethan."

Sam pursed his lips defiantly, "Then I'm staying with him."

Aiden didn't blink. "No."

"Why?"

"It's peak season. My lodge is full."

"Then I'll share his room, you won't notice I'm here. I'm not just leaving him all alone with that crazy baboon out there."

"I said no."

I sagged exhaustedly, "Sam, please. I love you for what you're trying to do, but I'd really feel better if I weren't around you when he contacts you. Besides, I'm not alone. The police will be protecting me and nobody knows about my little holiday detour which makes this the ideal safehouse. 

"You can spend the night if Aiden agrees, but then I need you to just let me lay low. Besides, there is no way I'd survive sharing a room with you for however long it takes to sort this mess out."

*

Aiden was amazing. He wasted no time in getting me to the police station and insisted on staying with me when I told him it was alright for him to go back to The Montgomery.

To be honest, it was a relief having him there. Sam's fussing was only serving to agitate me further and thoughts of facing the police captain scared me. Unnecessarily, as it turned out.

Captain Anton Pretorius took one look at me as we shook hands and graciously suggested we conduct our interview in the lounge.

The 'lounge' turned out be a tiny room with faded couches; pictures of cricket and rugby players; and a coffee machine. It beat the linoleum and cold steel I'd been dreading by a mile. It was empty and reassuringly quiet.

"This is the best I can offer, I'm afraid. My office is a shambles right now. We're doing some 'spring-cleaning', sorting out cold cases; and so far we've managed to make it look more like a ransacking than re-organisation."

His easy smile almost made me forget where I was

"This is okay." I murmured. "So, how do we do this?"

I expected him to pull out a notepad; a tape recorder; I don't know, maybe even his gun - but he didn't. He simply sipped his coffee and watched me with open interest. 

"First, tell me everything from the beginning and I'll just jump in afterwards with any questions I might have. Let's just chat for now and I'll handle the official stuff once I have the full picture."

Sam started pacing from the moment I started talking; and I couldn't help flicking my eyes his way every few minutes.

He was making me jumpy. 

Eventually Captain Pretorius suggested that Sam take my cell phone through to an officer who would make a copy of the voicemail recordings to keep as evidence. 

After he left, only Aiden remained by my side. He had a chair pulled up beside mine and, even though we weren't touching at all, I felt comforted having him there.

I told the police captain about my relationship with Mark. 

I had hired him as an admin and accounts assistant when keeping up with the success of my website and the workload of my third year at university became too arduous. It had taken me a full month to realise that the touches and 'accidental' topless run-ins were flirtations on Mark's part.

Two months later we were lovers.

I was still a virgin and the pain I experienced our first time together made me beg him to stop. But he'd sweet-talked me through it, telling me I was forever his. It had been so long since I'd felt like I truly belonged anywhere, with anyone. His words had made me smile through my tears.

How he'd dazzled me in the beginning with his confidence and popularity. I hadn't understood why someone as good-looking as he was wanted to spend any time with me. 

We'd moved in together three months into the relationship. Mark moved in with me, to be precise, with no more than a suitcase and two boxes of personal effects. I'd been uncertain, but Mark assured me that we were meant to be together. 

I bitterly recalled the excitement of going shopping together for a bigger bed.

Mark had taken me to Sun City for my twenty-first birthday. I'd footed all the bills, but didn't mind. Being with him was so much fun. Besides, the beginnings of my subsequent wealth had just started streaming in around that time, so it wasn't like I couldn't afford it.

By the end of our first year I was seeing my family and friends less and less. My father didn't care much; the only reason we'd maintained the fragile contact we had was due to my efforts. I couldn't let go of memories together from when I was younger. I had a hard time turning away from the man who'd taken me sailing in summer and whale-watching every spring when I was a boy.

It never bothered him when I stopped calling.

My handful of friends and classmates did protest a little when I withdrew from them, but eventually only Sam remained.

My world became my courses, my work and Mark.

Looking back, I recognised that the subtle abuse had slipped in way before the slaps and name-calling had begun.

I'd never had a proper boyfriend before Mark, so I knew that I was unattractive. I never spoke up unless I was in a study group and I didn't like drinking or loud music. So that would be a big, fat zero for social skills.

I was intelligent but uninteresting. I knew this.

So it came as no real surprise when Mark started telling me the same. I thought he must really love me to put up with all my flaws the way he did.

Our second year together was rough.

At first I believed him when he told me all the men I kept seeing him with were just friends. Then I'd caught him with his dick in some blond guy's mouth. It took me nearly a year and countless similar encounters for me to work up the nerve to throw him out.

Fear of never finding another man willing to tolerate my shortcomings had kept me in the relationship for much longer than was good for me. Then the degree to which I hated the person I'd become with him had eventually given me the strength to end the whole mess.

I told Captain Pretorius about the fights; if you could call them that, considering I was always on the receiving end of the attacks. I dared not lift my eyes as I listed the names Mark had called me in bed.

Aiden shifted angrily every few minutes and each time I expected him to get up and leave the room. He had to be appalled by this pathetic tale; and with me. I could feel him watching me intently as I spoke of the weeks leading up to that frightening night at the club, a year after we'd broken up.

"I was so surprised when he showed up again. He brought me small gifts and told me he'd missed me. It was like when we'd first met."

Aiden did leave his seat at that point, but he only went as far as the window and stood frowning down at the sunlit parking lot.

I was hesitant to continue, but Captain Pretorius' nod urged me on. 

"I considered taking him back, I couldn't help it. He seemed to have changed; and I'd been alone since our break-up."

"You were lonely and vulnerable – and that swine knew that!" Aiden was beside me again, towering over me. He gripped the back of my chair tensely, then seemed to realise that he was unsettling me. I watched him sit down beside me again.

"It was more than that, Aiden," my tone begged for understanding. "Mark was the first person ever who'd taken the time to get to know me. We'd shared a lot. He knew me and still-"

"He knew how to play on your insecurities, Ethan. You were young and shy and you crossed paths with a selfish parasite who'd disguised himself as your friend."

I watched him as his green eyes blazed into mine.

/How often do people look at each other like this? Has anyone I know ever sat through the worst story I had to tell, seen all of me, and still held eye contact? Have the people who only know my best stories ever made me feel like I could run to them and their arms would always be open?/

Aiden's eyes, the way they gave all and took all made me want to say... something. 

Fortunately Captain Pretorius spoke up just as my lips parted to make the biggest mistake I possibly could.

"What happened the night you took out the restraining order?"

I blinked in disorientation, remembering again where I was and why.

"We were at a club. Sam and a few other friends were worried about me and wanted me to relax for a few hours. I don't know how Mark knew we were there but he did. I saw him come in and head straight for our table."

I could sense Aiden's restless shifting again. My gaze instinctively leapt to him; only to find his expression reassuring. I'd expected far worse. What amazed me more was the way he took my hand in that moment. 

I turned back to the captain. My voice sounded detached but I didn't know any other way of keeping it from trembling. "He was civil for all of ten minutes. He said he wanted me to go somewhere quiet with him, where we could talk. He looked like he'd been drinking so I didn't think it was a good idea.

"When I told him as much he flipped. The names, he started calling me all those names he used to call me before we broke up. I couldn't respond. When his shouting didn't work, he resorted to threats and punches. Threats on my friends, punches on me."

Aiden's fingers tightened painfully between mine, but I didn't mind. The pain drew me out of the awful memory. Our fingers laced together were such a foreign sight all I could do was stare for a moment.

Captain Pretorius didn't have many more questions after that and we finished off a short while later. Not once did his eyes hold the accusations I'd been expecting. When we were done he took us to the officer who had my phone and was keeping Sam busy. The officer confirmed that my restraining order against Mark was still effective for another four years.

Captain Pretorius assured me that they'd remain in constant contact with the Sea Point police department in Cape Town; and that Mark would be arrested the moment he dared to show his face. I turned to Aiden when I felt the tension ease out of him; and he gave me a slight smile.

"One last thing," the captain said. "How much longer will you be in town?"

I shrugged. "Just a couple more days. I'm staying at The Montgomery, but I only have a few days' stay left."

For the first time the captain's brow creased as he looked from me to Aiden and back again.

"Is there no way you could take some time off work? The rest of the festive season at least?"

"I work from home," I stated. "The website, um, the advertising... My work, I take it with me wherever I go most of the time."

"Good. The best thing would be for you to find a safe place to stay for the next few weeks. The police tend to be busier during the summer vacation months and I don't want to take any chances with your safety.

"Reynolds has broken the law by contacting and threatening you the way he did. It's only a matter of time before he's found and locked up; but until then I'd prefer the extra precaution of knowing you're somewhere safe. A place he knows nothing about."

"He'll stay with me."

"What?"

My question, Sam's voice. His wide eyes noticed my hand in Aiden's for a second before lifting to mine, blatantly questioning. I pulled my hand away. Aiden gave me a long look but let me free myself.

"Ethan will stay with me for as long as he needs. It's the safest place for him right now."

He was smiling slightly, but I'd gotten really good at reading him in our time together. He was using his body to shield me a little from the others and his head was lowered almost challengingly. I was pretty sure he was unaware of the silent threat he presented.

Sam's face was a furious red.

"Sam, I'm tired," I murmured. "Could we skip the fun and games until next time? We've been through all this and, quite frankly, I don't have a better plan right now. Do you?"

He came up empty. We both knew that Mark would be able to find either of us within a matter of days if we went back to the city. He knew our friends, our families and all our hangouts. He knew workplaces, seaside cottages, and emergency contacts. He knew every person and place that I knew. 

And there was no way we'd be finding any vacant accommodation in the middle of December.

"I just wanna go home, Sam. Can we just go?"

Aiden took my hand again and led the way to his car when we were through. I was touched by his concern and too drained to get nervous at his proximity. So I just enjoyed it. I sat in the passenger seat of the Mercedes-Benz, staring out at the passing shops and restaurants.

*

~Aiden~

I had most of my fury under control by the time we reached the house.

Listening to Ethan describe the hell that bastard had put him through had driven me to the point of irrationality. I had to repeatedly curb the yen to storm out on a blind hunt for his head on a stick.

And then Ethan had said the words that had swept all the fury aside.

'I just wanna go home.' 

Hearing him say that made me feel so... I stopped raging at Reynolds and decided to leave any head-hunting in Anton's capable hands.

'I just wanna go home.'

I unlocked the front door and sent Ethan straight upstairs. I think Edwards and I had an unspoken agreement going because we entered the kitchen together and he searched the cupboards for dishes and cutlery while I called Rachel and ordered supper.

The three of us sat in the dining room watching the setting sun. The strawberry and gold reminded me of the night Ethan and I had met.

Sam and Ethan were chatting easily, occasionally telling me old highschool stories. Most of them made Ethan blush, but once in a while he'd break out in open laughter.

"Remember the time Red professed his undying love?" Sam grinned.

"He did not." Ethan protested.

"He did too." Sam teased. He turned to me. "So, one day, one of the hottest boys in high school decided to make his move on our Ethan here. Invited him over to his house and read him poetry he'd written."

"Sam..." Ethan's tone was warning, but he was also smiling sheepishly.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Ethan listened to the poetry then offered poor Red critique when he was done."

Ethan's face was now a deep red colour. "I didn't know... He'd just said he had some stuff he wanted me to listen to."




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 02



"Poetry, my friend." Sam emphasised. "How many high school boys do you know who write love poems in hopes of getting a free lesson on grammar and poetic flow techniques?"

In those moments I knew what it was about Sam that rubbed me the wrong way at times. It was Ethan. Sam shared a past and a comfortable intimacy with him that I would never be able to compete against.

/Is that what you want to be, though? Competition to the other men in Ethan's life?/

I hadn't noticed that I was staring at him until he shifted self-consciously and I heard Sam's tone harden a little in the middle of a joke.

I sat through more stories that revealed Ethan's character to me a bit at a time. He was shy and a bit naïve, sure. But he was also extremely intelligent and funny. And the man didn't possess a shred of arrogance or vanity.

After the meal, Ethan's face lit up so irresistibly when I suggested ice cream for dessert that I found myself following him as he made a dash for the kitchen.

I rinsed the dirty dishes and loaded the dishwasher while he raided the freezer.

"Which flavour should I take out?" he asked, his voice muffled.

I turned to find that half his torso had vanished into the upright freezer. The sight of his excited digging made me smile, then laugh.

"Whichever you prefer. Anything's fine by me."

He lugged out a tub of chocolate-mint swirl. It took me another minute to notice that he was unsuccessfully searching for bowls.

"Top cupboard, to your left," I instructed.

He held spoons and the ice cream in one hand and tried to reach the bowls on the top shelf with his other. It wasn't working, but he didn't even consider relinquishing the cold dessert. 

"It won't make a run for it if you put it down for a minute, you know," I admonished as I approached to help.

It was only when Ethan inhaled sharply as I stepped in behind him and grabbed three bowls that I became aware of how closely we were standing. My shorts brushed the back of his jeans and my inhalations teased me with whiffs of his shampoo.

I lowered the bowls slowly, but didn't step back. My free hand held onto the counter, trapping him as I leaned in even closer.

"What are you doing?" he husked.

I'd had every intention of letting him go after a few more seconds. But that was before the smoky tone of his voice pulled me deeper.

"Did you know that you have a tiny birthmark on the back of your neck?" I whispered.

"Yeah. My mom used to tell me it looked like a- Oh!"

His cry was softer instead of louder. I'd expected the opposite when I licked the mark. What he lacked in volume, however, he made up for in passion; and his reaction excited me.

I ran my cheek along one side of his neck, listening to his breathing speed up, before switching to the other side and burying my nose in his hair. I pressed forward when he leaned back obeyed the instinct to nibble on his earlobe.

"What..? Aiden, what are we...? Oh..."

It was like he was singing. Low, sexy, drawn-out notes that responded to my every touch.

I let go of the bowls and laced my fingers through his. My other hand left the counter so it could sneak beneath his untucked shirt.

I curiously traced the outline of his pec, enjoying the hardness of muscle beneath smooth skin. My fingers accidentally tickled across his nipple and the sensation made him moan and push his bottom back into my groin. It was a reaction too beautiful not to experience twice.

"You have no idea what you do to me," I rumbled in his ear.

I pinched the tightened nipple before allowing my flat palm to coast down his lean abs and over his pelvis. I could feel the trail of hair that began below his bellybutton and the awareness was so new that I followed it without thinking.

My exploration would have continued down into his jeans if Sam's words didn't shock us both out of our trance.

"Nobody told me there'd be dinner AND a show."

I cursed softly as Ethan frantically sought to escape the circle of my arms. I stepped back reluctantly and watched him rush to the dining room before I turned to glare at Sam.

I considered going for his head on a stick instead. 

*

~Ethan~

This was one those days that I was happy to see ending.

After Mark and the police and Aiden, I was a veritable wreck. I ate my bowl of ice cream while Sam watched me with resigned disappointment. The heavy silence made me want to run. Again.

I tried to fake a confident smile but it didn't work. And Sam just continued staring at me. When he did finally open his mouth, his words made me cringe. My knuckles turned white as I clutched at my spoon.

"So Aiden, Ethan tells me you're engaged. Yet the more time I spend here, the harder I find that to believe."

"My fiancée is where she's prefers to be right now, Edwards. And soon it will be a permanent move, I imagine," Aiden continued eating his ice cream, though his green gaze had turned to frost.

"Trouble in paradise, then?" Apparently Sam had a death wish he'd neglected to share with me.

"That would be none of your business."

And that was all he said on the matter, but it was enough to make me wonder. Our spoons clinked in their respective bowls as I attempted my best Sherlock Holmes impression. When I'd arrived he'd mentioned going through a shitty time. Could that have been about her? Were they having problems?

I berated my thudding heart for hoping for something so horrible and concentrated on my ice cream. /It's elementary, dear Gray: None of your bloody business./

If Aiden wanted me to know about any imminent break-up he'd mention it. Until then I would not allow myself to play any more rounds of What If.

Aiden – astonishingly – appeared to be the only man in the room without a care in the world. His irritation with Sam's prodding had evaporated almost before it had fully revealed itself. A shaky engagement and an unexpected refugee were enough to rattle most people's equilibrium, but not his. 

I watched him savouring his ice cream while making small talk; he didn't seem to care that no one else was in a talkative mood any more. He even had a second helping. Sam's attempt at... whatever had done little to dampen his good mood.

His behaviour made me nervous.

He was making me feel like those animals that start getting all freaked out before a natural disaster. I could feel something coming, but had no clue as to what to expect. I finally got to send up a prayer of thanks when Aiden tossed a nonchalant "goodnight" over his shoulder as he headed up the stairs. 

Sam immediately turned to me. "You, my friend, are playing with fire."

I cut him off, "The exact words spinning around my own brain, Sam. So, skip the lecture please."

What could he possibly say that I hadn't already heard?

He went up to our room after that, leaving me to sift through my feelings in hopes of stumbling across a ray of sanity. Hours later I gave up. The sun had set and the dining room was completely dark. And all I'd gotten for my ages spent soul-searching was thorough hopelessness and a numb butt. Instead of turning on the lights, I chose to go upstairs.

Sam was wearing shiny pyjamas that I assumed were silk or something. He climbed into bed and pulled a sleep mask down over his eyes, still grumbling about my choosing to stay with Aiden. I sank into an armchair by the windows, clutching a fluffy towel. 

If only it were as simple as choosing Aiden...

I had a hot shower, willing the water to relax me. I put my head directly under the massaging spray, more in an attempt to wash out wayward thoughts of my host than anything else.

Back in the bedroom I eyed Sam hogging most of the double bed. Half the duvet was scrunched up under him and his legs were splayed at peculiar angles that looked incredibly uncomfortable. I was glad this was only a one-night arrangement.

The decision was easy to make. I put on some light yoga pants and my oversized robe and picked up my laptop, deciding to either work or just surf the net in the lounge. There was no way I actually intended sharing a bed with Sam who was already snoring lightly. Maybe I'd find something to read downstairs.

I opened my door and almost let out one of those shrill girly shrieks you only hear on low-budget slasher films. Aiden filled my doorway. 

I couldn't read the expression in his eyes as he took in my wet hair and the robe snugly belted around me. He reached out and silently pulled the bedroom door shut behind me. He didn't move back, though. His chest, oh damn. His heat was close enough for me to feel like he was softly caressing me. 

All I could hear was our breathing, deep and steady, as I waited for refrigerators to fly by or a purple dog to start up a conversation so I could know that this is all nothing more than a bizarre dream. Maybe I'd passed out in bed with Sam after all.

Nothing. Just our breaths meeting halfway across the inches that separated our lips.

Just as I was about to say something, the inconceivable happened. Aiden closed the gap and caressed my lips with his. My eyes shot so wide so fast I gave up hopes of ever being able to blink naturally again. Up close I noted that Aiden's eyelashes, bronze and gold, were absolutely beautiful. 

He patiently nipped at me, as if giving me time to get over my shock. His kisses were so devastatingly smooth I started kissing him back without hesitation. I'd never thought this would ever happen again, his lips on mine. 

I closed my eyes on a moan and leaned into him. I hadn't forgotten. After all these years, his taste, his smell came back to me like we'd been sharing kisses every day since the first. No one had ever made me feel like this, simply by looking at me and touching me. I'd never experienced kisses before that made me feel like not a single other person on this green earth mattered as much as I did.

He nibbled on my lower lip then drove his tongue into my mouth, seeking mine and growling with approval when he found it. He dominated my senses, ruled me with his tongue. His chest pushed into mine and one of his arms circled my waist. Definition of heaven? This very moment.

My entire body melted. All I could feel was the thud of my heart as our lips fused and the answering beat of his as our joining became a desperate hunger. He tasted all of me within minutes. I felt like he'd reached into my soul and laid claim to it with his mouth. He was gentle and thorough and made me wish I could stop time. His large palms stroked my back, making me wonder if I felt half as good to him. Was he as intoxicated by my taste and scent as I was by his? 

I wrapped my arms around his neck just before my knees buckled. My fingers danced in his hair without my permission and my grip tightened sharply when his embraced tightened unexpectedly. It was a moment of such release and passion, I had no hope of gathering any control. I made an unconscious decision in that moment: whatever he wanted, he could have.

I didn't care anymore. If he was gay, bi, or just plain confused, I didn't care. If this was how he planned on figuring himself out, I'm fine with it. I'd experienced more contentment in the briefest moments in his arms than I ever had in two years with Mark – and that had to count for something. He looked at me and truly saw me. He kissed me like this was his last day. Whatever else he had to share, I wanted to be there to experience it. Please, stars above, just don't let the man stop.

I'd jinxed it. 

The very next second he pulled away and looked down at my flushed cheeks and swollen lips. The green in his eyes was flecked with lava and I stared in amazement. I couldn't stop my ragged breaths.

His gaze dropped to my lips again as if in silent debate. 

/Oh yes, please please please.../

"Thought you'd be in bed with your boyfriend by now." he stated softly.

"Sam's my friend, nothing more."

"Sleep with all your friends, do you?"

"I could ask you the same question."

I watched in disbelief as a small smile played across his lips. I sagged against the door. 

With another peck on my surprised lips, he disentangled himself, walked into his bedroom and shut the door. I stared down the empty hallway for the longest time, hating that he could have this effect on me, especially I knew casual sex was no more than a game to him. If only I could be as nonchalant. I stumbled downstairs to the lounge and managed to curl up on the couch before letting out my bewilderment. 

"Holy shit."

*

~Aiden~

It was a perfect day for the beach. The summer sun had warmed the water fantastically. It rose in gentle swells more than full-blown waves, but that was ideal for the beginners I was coaching. I had a group of eight young people eagerly following my orders to the best of their abilities.

Two of them were pretty girls in skimpy bikinis. They seemed more interested in batting their eyelashes than battling the sea, but I didn't mind too much. As our two-hour session wore on they slowly realised I wasn't interested. One pouted a little then focused more on catching the waves as they came. The other only got more tenacious.

"Now that we're done with the do's and don'ts let me end off by saying that, above all, surfing is a matter of trust. You need to trust the water, trust your surfboard and trust yourself." I let that sink in for a moment. "And once that's kicked in, you need to let go."

The guys, most of whom looked to be somewhere in their late teens, progressed quickly, driven by their competitiveness. I studied the one who looked like he might be just a year or two younger than Ethan.

He had the same build as Ethan; even his hair was the same colour. But I felt nothing. No mysterious attraction, no heat in my chest whenever he laughed. I couldn't understand it. How could there be no other man who caught my interest?

"The moment you trust completely, will be the moment you let go. And that, that is ultimate freedom - a feeling worth working towards."

Maybe it was because his eyes were the wrong colour. They were brown instead of the whirl of silver that kept me awake nights. And his voice wasn't as soothing.

Maybe it was because he simply wasn't Ethan.

The tenacious blonde was touching my arm. She was asking me yet another inane question which I didn't hear because I trying to figure out how to extricate myself without offending her. 

I put all the enthusiasm I had into a brief smile. "I suggest you spend some time out here with your surfboard. Just enjoy the water and practice practice practice. There is no verbal instruction I can give you that can compete with going out there and just doing it."

When my session with all of them ended, we splashed our way towards the shore. A quick wave towards the lifeguards' station let them know we were through for the day. I ignored the girl who still clung to me and focused on answering the guys' questions about wetsuits and board wax. The part of my mind that now belonged to Ethan wondered what he was up to and if Sam was with him.

I didn't have to wonder for long.

I spotted him up on the promenade, watching me. I stared back as I strolled across the warm sand. A lot of people had come out to enjoy the sun. Skaters, cyclists, and walkers were out savouring the same view Ethan was admiring. I was halfway up the steps to the promenade level when the flirtatious blonde intruded on my thoughts once more - she was still going a mile a minute. I tried a firm goodbye but she only grinned back.

"We're heading the same way, isn't that fab? My car's parked at the Pavilion, near the juice bar. Speaking of which can I buy you a...?"

I don't know why she bothered sustaining a dead conversation. I stopped listening the moment my eyes zoomed in on the ice cream Ethan was licking. Well, the licking more than the ice cream itself. 

It was only when I reached him that I realised I didn't know what to say. The last time I'd seen him, I'd kissed him - and didn't yet know how he felt about that. If his expression was anything to go by, he wasn't happy at all. 

No wait, he wasn't scowling at me... I still had the bloody bikini girl attached to me!

"Hey. This is Emily."

"Avery."

I blinked at her. Then turned back to Ethan.

"Avery. She was in my surfing group this morning."

"I know," he murmured. "I've been out here a while and ended up watching you guys. You were really good, Avery."

"Thanks."

He gave her a small smile, but I could tell that he was unhappy about something. It suddenly occurred to me that he may be unsettled by more than just our kiss. Had the police been in touch with him already? Or worse yet, Reynolds? 

I shook the girl off and stepped to him.

"Are you alright, Ethan? Has anything else happened while I was out here?"

He looked into my eyes and the best part was that small smile didn't fade. I was relieved. Dare I hope that the rest of this day would be smooth sailing?

"No. it's been a quiet morning. I just came out to catch some sun and fresh air; I didn't know I'd find you out here with... 

Sam's still at the house; he's packing."

"Okay." I could tell that something still bothered him, though. I hadn't noticed anything blatantly amiss, but still wasn't sure if sending his closest friend away was what he really wanted. "You're sure about all this, right? Sending Sam away?"

He hesitated. I didn't like Edwards. Truth be told, I had nothing against him per se. I was more annoyed by the energy he put into trying to keep Ethan away from me. Having him around was testing my patience but I would never sever their bond at the risk of hurting Ethan. His hesitation made me worry.

"He could stay, you know. There are two smaller guestrooms at the house. One's being used, but the other's just storing some stuff. I could have it prepared for him."

"No." 

When he tilted his head towards my palm, I realised that I'd reached up to stroke his cheek. Touching him soothed him, but it wasn't all selfless. Soothing him calmed me.

"Oh! Oh wow, look at that. Okay, I get it. Sheesh, I had no idea. Okay, yeah... Yeah, I really need to get going..." bikini girl finally had something to say that I wanted to hear. I turned to find her gaping at the two of us. Oh. Right.

I couldn't find the strength to care. "Okay. Bye, Emily."

"Avery." It was Ethan this time; and his devilish twinkle spelt mischief. The smile he now gave her was a little shy, "You should keep up with the surfing."

"Oh, I will!" she grinned as she waved goodbye. "It's just about keeping head above water, right?"

Tell me about it.

*

~Ethan~

Sam's eyes bored into mine as we said our goodbyes out in front of The Montgomery. He tried repeatedly to get me to change my mind, either about him staying or me going with him. But Aiden politely declined for me, much to Sam's annoyance. He addressed me one last time.

"You know the drill, sugar. Call me the moment you need anything."

"That won't be necessary, Edwards," once Aiden had realised how much it irked Sam to be called by his surname, he hadn't stopped. "I said I'd take care of him and I will."

Sam drove off with a final scowl.

I wondered about my decision as soon as his car disappeared out the driveway. I seriously debated the merits of calling Sam and asking him to come back. Too late now. 

Dan waved at me as we walked through the guesthouse. His smile was sly and one eyebrow danced suggestively. I quickly snapped my eyes forward and hurried away. I was fairly certain that Aiden was trailing me but didn't venture any glances back. I entered the house and snuck straight out the back to sit on the verandah.

How was I supposed to hold it together now that I found myself alone with Aiden again?

All day, memories of the night before had danced around my head until my anxiety was replaced by anticipation. He wanted me. There could be no other motivation behind his actions. The thought still made me shiver, despite the late afternoon sun. Despite seeing him with that girl at the beach.




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 02



I'd thought the worst from the moment I laid eyes on them together. Mark had cheated on me often enough for me to know no one flirted as much as that blonde woman did if there was no reciprocation.

What had surprised me, though, was how little attention Aiden paid her. I'd watched them for a long time. By the end of the surfing lesson even I could see that he wasn't interested. That had calmed me for all of two minutes.

And then I couldn't help wondering what would happen the day he found someone who did captivate him. I was the first man he'd ever been with, sort of. How could I think his interest in men was permanent – or that he'd want to make any commitment to me in particular?

By the time he'd come to talk to me, I'd worked myself into something between depression and a hissy fit. Until he'd touched me. He didn't know the name of the woman he'd just spent two hours with and he'd touched me as if we were alone on that beach. Yes, that had made me smile.

The front door slammed.

I jumped up then immediately sat down again when I had no idea where to go. Aiden came straight to the verandah, looking for me. He sat in the chair next to mine without saying a word. A quick glance at him discovered a slight smile. 

As the minutes drifted by my stiff shoulders loosened and my breathing evened out. I started relishing just being next him.

"How long have you known you're gay?"

I had to give it to him. The man knew how to pack a surprise punch. I waited for chaotic thoughts to ebb before responding.

"Um. Forever, I think."

He turned to look at me. "That simple, huh?"

I laughed. "Oh, believe me, it has not been simple. Try 'confusing, overwhelming, scary...', anything but simple."

"What scared you the most?"

I didn't hesitate. "Myself."

His eyes had never left my face and his surprise at my answer made him lean closer.

"You?"

"Yes. I'd always been a people-pleaser. My whole life I'd done what others want, said whatever made them feel good. I knew that accepting my sexuality would be tough for them; and that got me thinking about what I should do if everyone I loved wouldn't allow it."

"But no one Allows you to love whom you love. Right?"

"Exactly. I was forced to make the choice between being my complacent self or forging on into the discovery of who I really was. Am."

"And you chose your true self."

"Most of my friends dumped me and my dad couldn't stand the sight of me. He still can't. But it was worth it, you know. I ended up with fewer but better, more loyal friends; and my mother's love for me multiplied tenfold. Well, that's how it felt, anyway. I felt like she was getting to see and love the real me, all of me."

An understanding of myself that I had never claimed before was manifesting itself in the answers I gave Aiden. My whole life I'd classified myself as a runner and a hider, boxed myself as a coward. And now a new view of myself was hitting me right between the eyes. I was strong, sure of whom I was and what my heart wanted.

"So... what should we have for supper?"

Just like that?

*

~Aiden~

I had the same damn dream again.

It's not really the same every time. Sometimes I'm in a familiar place, other times not. Each time I'm in the middle of doing something different. The only true constant is Ethan, naked. And each time I want only one thing, I'm fuelled by his moans, feeling his skin and being caught up in the taste of sweet strawberries. Everything builds until the torture becomes too much I'm flung back into consciousness.

This morning was no different.

The bright morning light peeked through the drapes, happily illuminating the large wet stain on my sheets. I groaned as I rubbed my eyes. What the hell was happening to me? I was disoriented as I rose to strip the bed. 

/Grown men of thirty do not have wet dreams on a daily basis./

It sounded like a good mantra, so I chanted it glumly as I took the soiled sheets downstairs to shove them in the washing machine. Hopefully my cock would take the hint and start being more obedient. Within mere days Ethan had filled me completely, without even trying. 

/Within days only? Or has this been brewing since laying eyes on him five years ago?/

He'd never left my mind in all that time. Would he ever? 

More questions than answers, that's all I seem to have lately. He walked into my life after all these years and turned the whole damn setup upside down. I've been excited and perplexed – and unable to keep away from him. Yes, he was the source of all my questions, but he also held the answers. 

And I had him back, here, right now. And I'm staring at a bloody washing machine, allowing my brief shot at a second chance to pass me by. He won't be here for much longer and I wouldn't make it through another five years.

*

I knocked on his door and got no response. It was mid morning, he had to be up by now.

When he didn't answer the second or third attempts either, I turned the doorknob. It was completely quiet inside. I shut the door silently behind me and made my way over to the bed.

Ethan was fast asleep, lying on his stomach and clutching a pillow. His hair was in his eyes and the duvet lay in a pile on the floor. Only the sheet remained and that was riding precariously low on his hips. I placed the tray I was carrying on the bedside table and sat on the bed. Mr Gray was a deep sleeper. 

I reached out to brush his hair out of his face. It was shorter than it had been at university, but was still long enough in the front to cover his eyes. My touch made him stir. He rolled over onto his back and I instantly noticed two things. Firstly, he had another birthmark, similar to the one on his neck, just above his heart. 

And secondly, judging by the hint of pubic hair revealed by the lowered sheet, Ethan was naked. I pulled my hand back in a slight panic.

That is the moment he chose to slowly open his eyes, the moment in which all oxygen left the room and my heart exploded. It was a shattering combination: his sleep-softened eyes, his sensuous lips curving into a questioning smile; and the knowledge only a thin sheet separated me from all that I wanted to explore the most.

"Is this real?"

/Hold it together, Montgomery, for just two more minutes. Then get the fuck outta here./

I responded to his drowsy question, physically and verbally. "Yeah. Wake up, sleepyhead, I've brought you breakfast."

He sat up with a self-conscious half-smile. "Really? Why?"

"Why not?"

He seemed surprised my rejoinder. "I'm not used to people spoiling me, I guess. I've never been served breakfast in bed before."

I reined in the urge to ask if Reynolds had ever done anything good for him in their two years together. Today was about us and I would not waste my breath talking about that wretch.

Ethan had spotted the lowered sheet. I watched as he furtively secured it around his waist, his cheeks pink and his smile shy. "Maybe I should put on the robe. Could you..?"

I fetched it for him without a word but didn't offer him any privacy. He noted his dilemma and, in the end, decided to stand with the sheet. He struggled into the robe then released the sheet and sat back down.

I chuckled at his frown. "By the way, I'm taking you out to lunch later, so you might want to wear something other than the robe. It's cute, but I think it should be for my eyes only, don't you?"

The scrambled eggs and mini sausages I'd brought suddenly fascinated him fully. "Sorry. It's a great robe. It's a wonder all your guests don't give up regular clothing after visiting the Montgomery. I could live in this thing."

"Don't be sorry. And the robe and slippers aren't a complimentary gift. None of the other guests get them, they're mine. From my closet, I mean. And I've enjoyed seeing you in them. In fact, every time I do see you in them..."

I pulled him towards me by the lapel and planted a kiss on his lips. Nothing x-rated, just a prolonged, gentle peck, but somehow it felt more intimate than any kiss we'd shared thus far. 

He surprised me by running his fingers through my hair and tugging at it, making shimmery tingles flare all over my scalp. There was that unpredicted sexiness again.

When he lifted his lids I was watching me. "You have forty-five minutes to get ready. We're going out."

He leaned back against his pillows. "No way. It's Saturday, for goodness sake. Can't I lie in and get up at noon to do lazy touristy stuff?"

I leaned over him, narrowing the distance between us until his eyes widened again. I loved it when he looked at me like that. Like he thought I might eat him alive. Like that might be exactly what he wants.

"No. I'm giving you forty-five minutes then that's it. Don't make me come after you."

"You have a lot to learn about hospitality, you know. Okay, I'll bite: why are you bullying me out of bed in the middle of my summer vacation?"

"We need to leave a little early if we're going to make it to Lookout Beach before the lunch crowd."

"Why are we going to the beach again?"

"We're not." I said, before giving in to the urge to give him another quick kiss. "We're going to a restaurant that's right on Lookout Beach. It's the perfect place for a first date."

*

~Ethan~

/Don't think of this as a date. He said it's a date, but that... I don't know. Just don't think of this as a date and everything will turn out just fine. Shit./

Aiden was locking the front door and I was in the middle of an hour-long cardiac arrest. His jeans and Spiderman t-shirt made me wonder if I was a little overdressed.

"Has Edwards contacted you since yesterday?" he asked.

"Yes. He said he had a safe trip."

"Oh. Good."

"Why do you do that?" I asked. My stupid, fluttery heart hadn't missed that he had taken my hand to pull me towards his Merc.

"Do what?"

I forgot for a second because Aiden had stopped to open my door for me. Again with the silly fluttering of the heart.

"Er, needle Sam all the time."

"Because. He's in love with you and I'm just marking my territory."

A vein burst in my left temple, I'm sure of it. It's the only logical explanation for the way I clammed up for the thirty minutes took for us to drive through town. My vision blurred and, off all songs, one I've always hated suddenly blared at the back of my mind:

'S.O.S! 

Please, someone help me!

It's not healthy

for me to feel this way...'

I hadn't realised that I knew those lyrics. My silent stroke must've unlocked some dark part of my brain I'd never consciously acknowledged..

We pulled up outside an old-fashioned looking restaurant right on the south beach. It wasn't even noon yet but the tables out on the deck were already full. Aiden whistled happily as he led me inside. Little synapses fizzed and popped along the periphery of my skull. I could barely walk to the comfy leather booth the waitress pointed out to us. Aiden slid in beside me; I think he ordered drinks for both of us because the pretty girl left us shortly thereafter.

A minute later a tiny firecracker of a woman bustled over and started fussing over us. Half of what she said was in Afrikaans, but I understood bits of the conversation. No, I lie. I didn't, not really.

"Aiden Montgomery! It has been so long I have begin to think you no longer love me!"

Aiden grinned so freely, my stomach flipped. "Come on, Tannie Em, you know how busy it gets towards the end of the year. I've only just managed to get some time off, Dan's in charge of most of it for a while."

She petted his hair as her twinkling eyes turned to me. "Ek sien jy't 'n vriend saam gebring."

[I see you've brought a friend along.]

"Yes. Tannie Emma, I'd like you to meet Ethan Gray. Ethan, Emma Viljoen."

"Noem my sommer Tannie Emma, kind."

[Just call me Aunty Emma, child.]

I blinked, "Nice to meet you. My Afrikaans isn't so great though."

"Syne was ook nie," she ruffled Aiden's hair. "Maar hy't geleer en jy sal ook. Yes, you will learn."

[His wasn't either, but he learned and you will too. Yes, you will learn.]

Pretty soon the entire conversation flew over my head. I sometimes had the feeling I was the topic of interest, but couldn't be sure.

"As ek nie beter geweet het nie, kind, sou ek dink jy't uiteindelik iemand gevind wat jou gelukkiger maak as daai simpel meisies wat jy voorheen hier ingesleep het."

[If I didn't know better, child, I'd think you've finally found someone who makes you happier than those silly girls you used to drag in here.]

Aiden cocked his head back and smiled up at her. "Wat laat jou so sê?" 

[What makes you say that?]

"Want ek het oë in my kop! Buitendien, ek ken jou jou hele lewe lank, kind. En ek't nog nooit dáái glimlag gesien nie."

[I have eyes! Besides, I've known you your whole life, child. And I've never seen that particular smile before.]

Aiden looked at me speculatively. "Dalk is jy reg." 

[Maybe you're right.]

I blinked some more, "I'm sorry, was that for me? I really don't understand much-"

He turned back to Emma, er, Tannie Em. "Maar ek's nie seker nie. Ek't nooit iets vir 'n man gevoel nie." 

[But I'm not sure. I've never felt anything for a man before.]

"Man" - I knew that word! Aiden was saying something about a man. Or was it the moon? What was the Afrikaans word for "moon"? I knew they were similar. Damn it!

Tannie Emma kissed his forehead, "Maak dit rêrig saak? Julle kinders leer ons ou mense deesdae baie oor liefhê sonder uitsoekerigheid. Daar's baie antwoorde waarna ons eindeloos soek en nooit vind nie. En ek't hulle nie meer nodig nie, want elke keer as ek my man se hand vat, maak dit vir my al die sin in die wêreld; en dis al antwoord wat ek in dertig jaar nodig gehad het. Vra jouself: hoe voel dit as jy sy hand vat? Ek, vir een, hou van sy oë."

[Does it really matter? You kids of today teach us old folks a whole new way of loving, without discriminating. There are many answers we all seek and never find. And I'm not interested in them anymore because I get all the answers in the world from just holding my husband's hand. It's all the sense I've needed in thirty years. Ask yourself: how do you feel when you simply hold his hand?

I, for one, like his eyes.]

She smiled at me in a way that made me feel like I was definitely under perusal. I smiled back uncertainly and mentally ran through the words I had understood. Something about "looking for answers"; and I think I heard the words "holding hands" at some point, but couldn't be sure. None of it made sense, so I gave up and stole a look at Aiden.

Tannie Emma's grin broadened, "En ek hou veral van hoe daai oë na jou kyk."

[And I especially like how those eyes look at you.]

Aiden looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I simply looked back.

"Oh no, you've got to be kidding!" 

For a second I felt a sense of triumphant achievement at having understood that sentence in its entirety; then my joy died instantly when I realised it had been spoken in English - by our pretty waitress. She put two large glasses of lemonade down and huffed dramatically at Aiden. 

"Do you have any idea how long I've had a crush on you? And now look at you!"

Aiden looked surprised, but recovered quickly, laughing at her brazenness.

"Marie, I pay you to keep my customers fed," Tannie Em chastised. "Look at poor Ethan, he's ready to drop. Have you two ordered, Aiden?"

"We were just about to, Tannie."

She turned to our waitress, Marie. "Bring them the seafood platter for two - and a large salad also. Move it, girl!"

Marie bounced off with a wink and Tannie Emma followed closely. I didn't know what to make of anything that had happened since we walked through the doors, so I sipped my lemonade and took in the view of the beach and the families enjoying the sun.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt Aiden's fingers reached across the seat between us and twined with mine. My shocked gaze snapped to his bright greens and the first inane thing that came to mind slipped right out my mouth.

"What did you mean by 'marking your territory'?"

He didn't answer, just softly rubbed the pads of my fingertips and seemed to be listening to something internal. The tiny movements were being interpreted as erotic by my sexually deprived body; and I couldn't curb the shocks that flared through my veins and made my nipples harden till they ached. I eventually gave up on getting a response from him and turned back to the view. My penis was trying to do backflips in my pants.

"Why does he call you 'sugar'?" 

He still managed to strike me dumb without effort almost every hour on the hour. I should be used to it by now, but...

"Huh?"

He simply looked back at me patiently and continued to rub my fingertips.

Then I got it, "Oh, Sam. We've been friends since we were kids. In that time, he's seen me practically live on chocolate, fudge, toffees, a lot of sweet things. He figures it's an addiction."

"You tasted like strawberries the day we first kissed."

The Judas in my pants was at halfmast and refusing to back down. "Uh, yeah. There're these chewy, fruity sweets that I really love - strawberry's my favourite flavour."

"Mine too - now."

I exerted all my mental energy on keeping my blush from turning into a total blaze. I didn't know what was happening between us. But I knew I was afraid of two things though: doing the wrong thing and snapping him out of this daydream; and doing the right thing and finding out what he had in store for me.

Our food arrived. 

Marie took in our clasped fingers and sighed dramatically before leaving us. I tried to free my hand, but Aiden held on for a few minutes longer. The food looked wonderful. Grilled fish, prawns, mussels and calamari were laid out on a platter along with seasoned rice and baked potato wedges. The salad ingredients were so fresh they looked like they were still growing. Marie brought along two plates so we could serve ourselves from the platter and salad bowl. I watched her leave and wondered if Aiden found her attractive.

"I'm not sleeping with Faye Kelley."

Aiden seemed to have the phenomenal ability to steer many trains of thought simultaneously. He dropped and started topics with little concern for whether each made sense when linked to the previous conversation or current situation. The tricky part was keeping up.

"Faye Kelley? Your fiancée?"

He scowled at me. "No, the woman you saw at the house. She's a private investigator."

I blushed, "Oh! No, you don't have explain any- Wait, a what?"

"My fiancée's name is Carolynn." A bitter laugh. "I'm not sleeping with her either, not in the last month or two."

That shut me up. My heart began a petrified thudding.

He sighed before explaining about his fiancée's resentment and spite since he'd opened the Montgomery for business and decided to give up the glitzy city life for a quiet seaside town. I winced upon learning that she had been the one sleeping around, not him.

"Aiden, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made all those accusations; it was none of my business..."

"You know, the whole relationship has been so much damn work, now that it's over I wonder why I bothered trying so hard in the first place. I don't think I loved her. I suspected that she didn't love me... I don't know. I guess the inevitable can't be disguised or avoided." 

Suddenly his green eyes were on me again. I focused on the thudding in my chest so I wouldn't start conjuring up fantasies that could never be. He stared for a long time before seeming to snap out of his introspection, "Enough gloom. I will deal with Carolynn when the time comes and not before. Right now, we have a seafood platter to tackle or Tannie Em won't let us leave this place alive."

The meal was so wonderful and Aiden such pleasant company. He told me great stories about his family. His parents lived in Cape Town with their live-in housekeeper and four dogs. His older brother who, if Aiden was to be believed, was as stoic as Aiden was carefree, was married to a glass artist and they had two children. They sounded refreshing and I could tell his childhood had been a very happy one. He'd studied architecture so that he could later join the family company. He'd excelled at his work, but he hadn't loved it, not the way his brother, Chris, had. So, when his grandparents had left him their house, he'd given it his all. The Montgomery's success was a reflection of his self-created happiness.




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 02



I watched him talking and eating enthusiastically and for a moment let my guard slip; and imagined what it would be like to tell stories of memories we'd built together over the years. 

Wouldn't it be wonderful to share his home, his laughter and his stunning coffee till the day he became too old to balance on that surfboard of his anymore? And I could definitely live with the thought of being held forever the way he had held me after Mark's phonecall. 

That's when the total horror hit me, the irreclaimable catastrophe: I'd fallen in love with Aiden Montgomery. I'd lost my heart to a beautiful man who'd promised me nothing. 

My breath caught in my throat and I nearly choked on a cherry tomato. Aiden looked concerned as he rubbed my back and handed me my lemonade.

"Could we go?" I asked between coughs and sips. "I'm sorry, I just-"

"Sure, no problem. I've got you." He went to go pay at the register, so we could leave immediately. 

I didn't see Tannie Emma approach and gave a start when she slipped into the booth opposite me.

"You feel bad? The lunch is not good for you?"

I quickly shook my head. "Oh no, Tannie Em! It wasn't the food at all; in fact, the lunch was amazing. Thank you."

"Then it is the love?"

This time I choked without the cherry tomato. "What?" I rasped.

"Dis in jou oë, kind. I see love in the way how you looking at our Aiden. Now I think you feel it and cannot fight it, so it takes away your breath."

What do you do when the truth slaps you through the face; how do you deny it? 

"I think I should keep my eyes to myself then. Soon your Aiden will find a nice girl to fall in love with and where will that leave me?"

"Or maybe he will find you."

I snorted, then coughed again and had to reach for the rest of my drink. "I wish."

The words slipped out so easily the full implication of my admission only hit when I looked up into Tannie Emma's twinkling eyes. "You can't tell him I said any of this."

"Don't worry, seun; I don't need to say a word. You must know already that there is so much what you both know without knowing." 

I waited a few seconds for the sense in that last statement to reveal itself to me, but it didn't; so I chalked it up to a moment lost in translation. Aiden came back and, after a kiss on Tannie Emma's cheek from both of us, we left.

The Merc glided smoothly up the hill and Aiden played a Norah Jones cd which was an unexpected surprise. He was like a dormant volcano, so overwhelming; and I'd expected his taste in music to follow suit. I was reasonably mellow the whole way home, focused on pushing thoughts of my little chat with Tannie Emma as far back in my mind as I could. I failed.

I turned to Aiden. "What did you mean by 'marking your territory'?"

He smiled at me as he parked the car in front of the house and got out. "You're like a dog with a bone with that question. Come on."

I got out. "Because you won't answer me."

"I think you already know the answer."

"And I think I need to hear you say it before I make up my mind about what I know, Aiden."

"I have been telling you, babe. You're just not listening."

My lips and brow scrunched into matching furrows while he searched his pockets for his keys. Finally I gave a decisive shake of my head. "No, you haven't. Name one thing you said that's been clear about-"

"Well, how about this?" 

His lips descended on mine. Lemonade and love, that's what he tasted like as he slipped his arm around my waist, leaned me against the door and set about leisurely exploring me. Oh sweet heaven, how was I supposed to resist a man who could kiss like this? I had just lifted my fingers to play in his thick hair when the door opened behind me. I would've fallen on my behind if Aiden hadn't tightened his hold on me.

"I thought I heard your - Yikes!"

Aiden and I jumped in shock and faced the redhead in the long, yellow, bohemian-style dress. I noticed that her feet were bare and her toenails painted a pastel blue. Somehow, it all came together to make her look radiantly summery. Her grey eyes took us both in as she quickly stepped out and closed the front door behind her. I stepped out of Aiden's arms awkwardly.

"Er, Aiden, it is sooo good to see you. Especially about ten seconds ago. Been up to much? 'Cause I can already tell that this is going to be the funnest Montgomery Christmas yet." She beamed up at the man beside me.

"Hey, Mike." Even the great Aiden Montgomery couldn't keep from blushing as he kissed her cheek. "I didn't know you guys would be here this early. I'd like you to meet Ethan Gray, my er... Ethan."

"Nice to meet you, Aiden's Ethan." The woman seemed to glow and light up the space around her. "I'm Michaela - Mike, the sister. Aiden might've mentioned me during one of the moments when his tongue wasn't down your-"

"Mike!"

I tried to talk, really I did. "Um. Um. Uhhh..."

Michaela's head cocked curiously to the side. "Oh dear. Is he alright, Aiden?"

"Yeah." he rubbed my back as they both watched my meltdown. "He does that sometimes."

I finally got a sentence out, "He's not gay!"

Michaela's eyes widened before she let out the most musical laugh. "I'm sorry, gorgeous, beautiful though you may be, even I can tell that You are no girl." Her smiling eyes dropped to the obvious bulge in my pants, "Nope, definitely not."

My shame heated all of me and every visible patch of skin turned maroon. I instinctively turned to hide my face in Aiden's shoulder. He put a large palm to the back of my neck and held me to him.

"Enough, Mike. Where is everyone? Obviously I'm going to need to tell them... something about all this. But you leave Ethan alone until I do."

"Aw, it's ok, gorgeous," I felt her hug me from behind. "This'll be a helluva wowzer for everyone, believe me. But we Montgomerys tend to roll with shockers - you should too. We've been worried about him, but I think this may be a very good sign. I mean, it's quite obvious that Aiden lo-"

"Mike. The family. Where are they?"

"Out on the back verandah, guzzling all your ice tea. All except for Gram and Gramps. She said something about going down to the beach; he followed to make sure she doesn't pick up any young studs in her new purple swimsuit... Oh thunder, I should warn you: your ex-betrothed is here."

I felt a chill trickle down the entire width of my back as Aiden stiffened against me. "What?" His growl was black and unreadable. "Why the hell is she here now? She knew the family would be here today, that's why we agreed that next week would be a better time for her to come."

"She told us you wanted her here; and asked if she could come along with us. Sorry, bro."

Aiden grunted something inaudible, speaking over my head as if he'd forgotten about me already. Michaela didn't get to respond as children's shrieks and laughter bounced around on the other side of the door just before it swung open again. 

"Mom? Uncle Aiden!" A dark-haired boy and a red-headed girl nearly bowled me over as they flung themselves at Aiden. Then I found myself in a group hug they didn't seem to mind sharing with me.

"Aiden, is that you?" an older woman's voice called from inside.

"Guess we're going in." Aiden's composure seemed to have returned a little. Seeing him in control calmed me too somewhat.

Michaela gave a gleeful clap, but subdued herself when Aiden ordered, "You. Quiet."

"No fair. How come?"

"Because anomalies like 'funnest' and 'wowzer' readily fall from your lips when you part them."

"Funnest isn't a real word. I told her so, Uncle Aiden," the boy stated sombrely.

Aiden was bundling the children and me through the door and towards the kitchen. It would appear that quite a clan had made the trip from Cape Town to Aiden's verandah.

Aiden's mother, a slim woman with blonde and white hair that glinted in the afternoon sunlight, rushed forward to kiss him. I was surprised when the bear of a man beside her, obviously her husband, kissed him too before hugging him. Then a slightly older-looking, less muscular version of Aiden hugged him before stepping back to smooth the creases in his chinos. His grandparents entered the backyard via the gate that opened onto the private beach. They were in phenomenal shape, especially his grandmother. She was an almost exact copy of his petite mother, only with completely silver hair and a deeper tan. Her husband's eyes were a lighter shade of jade than hers.

Everyone was laughing and talking at once and they even hugged me hello, which I thought was a mistake in all the chatter and excitement, then realised it was just the way Aiden's family was. Them of the blazing green eyes. Well, all except for Michaela.

Speaking of whom, "Hey, Aiden, you cretin. Aren't you going to introduce your Ethan to everyone?" Her smile sparkled as she winked at me.

"Yes, uh... Mom, Dad, this is Ethan Gray. He's, uh, my guest. Ethan, my mother, Gwen; and my father, Greg. My grandparents, Karin and Shaun. This is my brother, Chris; you've met Mike; and these are their kids, Kyle and Melanie."

"I'm almost eight!" piped up the little girl. "My brother's eleven, but he's had his birthday already. Mommy says mine is gonna be soon, after the holidays. Do you like the Power Puff Girls? Daddy said I can have a Power Puff party - you can come if you want."

"Don't be silly, Melon." Kyle interjected. "Boys like superheroes, not girly cartoons." 

"And Power Puff also! They can, can't they, Uncle Aiden?" 

Michaela petted her hair sweetly, "Of course boys can like the same things that girls like, Melon. It happens all the time. Now, how 'bout you two go and get your pyjamas ready? It'll be bath-time soon." She smiled innocently up at Aiden as the kids ran past us.

"So, Ethan, how long have you and Aiden known each other?" Gwen Montgomery seated herself beside her husband, while Chris went to make sure his kids didn't cause mayhem inside.

"Um. Um. Uhhh..." Oh, for the love of English!

Michaela touched my hand.

Aiden pushed me into one of the chairs and took the one next to me. "It's complicated, but we met 5 years ago. It's a long story - one we do need to talk about."

"Bloody hell, five years?" his grandmother was dusting sea sand off her bare feet. "Why have we never met him before, boy?"

"That's exactly what I need to talk to everyone about - in private. Dad, could we-"

"Hello, my darling. I didn't realise you were home."

A stunning brunette was standing behind us in a silk blouse tucked into tailored pants. Confidence and elegance poured off her as she leaned down to wrap her slender arms around Aiden from behind and kiss the corner of his mouth. This had to be his fiancée. I couldn't believe the audacity she displayed, considering the line she had crossed. 

Aiden had tensed up at the sound of her voice, but I didn't exactly witness him fighting her off. I couldn't breathe. Maybe she knew what she was doing after all. Her large chocolate eyes were possessive as she rounded the chair and planted her supermodel-type tush in his lap and leaned in for another kiss. I almost knocked my chair over as I jumped up.

"I- I- will go." I needed to before I strangled this flawless bitch who clearly felt Aiden was hers to kiss. And definitely before I burst into tears.

"Ethan, wait. Carolynn, you haven't said hello to Ethan. Ethan, Carolynn."

My stomach coiled and turned inside out as I looked at them together, the picture of complementary sensuality and beauty. Upon seeing her, I realised that there was a strong chance that she would get Aiden to forgive her. Who wouldn't forgive such a stunning creature and fall for her every time they saw her?

She looked disinterested as she nodded at me. I was used to that reaction from good-looking, confident people. They were quick to see that I was no match for them and immediately dismissed me. Well, except for Aiden; and his family.

"Hi... Um, Aiden," I could barely meet his eyes. "I really think I should go. Pack, that is. Maybe Dan could help me find another place to stay?"

"No." He seemed irritated as he pulled Carolynn's arms from his neck and stood. "You're staying."

I balked at the thought of having to watch Carolynn touch him whenever she wanted and win him back, treating him the way I could only dream of doing. It was going to be bad enough fighting images of them in bed together when I'm out of this place. "I don't think that's a good idea. Your family will need to use the guestrooms; and I truly don't mind-"

"I said no. Not with what you're dealing with. I'll figure out the sleeping arrangements."

"I, for one, don't mind sharing." Carolynn's purr verged on the obscene as she pasted herself to Aiden and ran her fingertips along his stomach.

"Yes, we know." Karin grumbled. Carolynn's eyes were two furious slits as her cheeks turned red. Karin's husband hushed her with a stern look while Mike's eyes watered with the effort it took to bite back a smile.

"There's more than enough room, son." Greg Montgomery stated, "Besides, it's only for tonight. Tomorrow we're off to the Eastern Cape until just before Christmas."

"I'm not." Carolynn's gaze was like a laser, peeling away at my flimsy defences. "I'm exactly where I want to be."

I left without a second thought.

***



I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 03



~Aiden~

"Bloody hell!"

"Yes, I agree."

Seven out of nine Montgomerys were in my study. I was seated on my leather chair, my head on my desk. The last time I'd spoken was about ten minutes ago. As far as I could tell without actually lifting my head, the other six were having a hard time sitting still. They moved about as much as they talked.

"What just happened?"

"Aiden's gay, Gram."

"That's what I thought I heard. Gay?"

"It means he likes men. Loves them."

"I know what it bloody well means, Michaela. What I want to know is when did this happen? He and Chris used to bring girls home all the time."

"We did. But that was a long time ago. He-"

"'A long time'? The boy was engaged up until two weeks ago!"

"Shaun, let Chris speak."

"Sure, dad caught us with girls a couple times-"

A rough snort, "A couple times... I felt like some sort of teen exterminator, chasing those girls out week after week."

"Sweetheart..."

"Oh, come now, Gwen. You were there, you know it's true. And those magazines of Aiden's..."

"Er, those were mine."

"Yours? You told us they were your brother's!"

"Because I knew you wouldn't make a big deal if you thought they were his. I was always the one with his nose in a math book. I didn't want to ruin the image you had of me."

"Now there's the biggest load of hogwash I've heard in ages!"

"Hush, Karin."

"Hush, my bum. What image? Every boy starts taking an interest in boobies and all that at some point. It's the one who's stopped that has me shocked."

"Maybe that's the problem. The fact that every boy is expected to like... er, boobies and all that."

"We assumed our boys would love girls. We assumed... We never even made room for any other possibility."

"The same as countless other parents."

"I still can't believe he suddenly stopped liking women -- though I do see how that fiancée of his could put any man off-."

"Karin!"

"What?!"

"It's not that sudden, if you think about it. He did say he's had feelings for this guy for five years now."

"Bloody hell!"

"Yes, I think we covered that part."

*

What most people didn't realise was that wall of rock at the upper end of the public beach did not signify the end of the beach itself. Though the craggy barricade with its scattered fynbos rose high enough to look like the foot of the hill, it was all a visual illusion of sorts. 

If a person were able to climb those rocks, they'd be surprised to find that the beach continued for another kilometre at the top. It's at the end of that stretch that the gentle rise of the hill actually began.

I loved the privacy created on the extra stretch by that natural wall; the best part being that it was mine since that was where the property my grandparents had owned began. 

I left my backyard via the hidden gate and made the ten-minute walk down to the beach completely lost in thought.

I took off my shoes when I got there and sat down, digging my toes in the sand.

/Have you done the right thing? A few kisses from Ethan have you coming out to your whole family, one man has you declaring your homosexuality?/

Chris knew exactly where to find me; it's an ability he's had since we were kids. When I was seven we came to a mutual agreement to quit playing hide-and-seek together since no game lasted more than ten minutes.

"Hey," He sat down beside me, rolling his pant legs a little higher.

"Hey."

"You've been gone a while. We got worried."

I nodded, unable to speak. I turned back to watching the gathering clouds, and wondered what my brother thought of me. Chris had never been good with surprises, sudden changes or emergencies. And since my confession felt like a little of all of the above, I wondered if we'd ever be able to reassemble the bond we'd shared before.

"Have you heard anything from Ethan?"

"No. I've tried calling, but he won't answer. He texted me when he realised I didn't plan on stopping, said he was fine and needed some time."

"Hm," Chris' grunts spoke volumes if you knew how to decode them. This one meant he agreed with Ethan's request.

"No, damn it. Now is the worst time for him to be running off. There is so much I need to tell him, that we need to sort through. He's out there believing that Carolynn and I... that we're back together. We need to talk about-"

"All of that will come. Right now you have a lot to think about, and so does he. There's Carolynn at the house. And you've just come out, Axe -- to your whole family. That's a huge deal and, whether you realise it or not, you have a massive amount of adjusting to do from here on."

We were going to be ok, he and I, and I knew because he'd just called me Axe. A silly nickname that had gone through numerous changes and had eventually ended up as Axe by the time I was in high school. Nobody used it anymore, except Chris and only during emotional times. It was like hearing him tell me he loved me. I still had my brother.

"How're Mom and Dad?"

"They're ok, just a little guilt-ridden." He looked at me, "Mom thinks the reason you're only coming out now is because they somehow made you feel like you needed to suppress your feelings while we were younger."

"That's not true."

"You should talk to them."

"Yeah."

He shook his shoulders as the breeze cooled dramatically. "It's going to rain soon."

I looked up at the sky, hoping these showers would bring Ethan back to me the way they had weeks ago, "Yep."

"We should get back. The kids want to tell you all about the hyenas from that nature show they were watching; and I think I heard Gram say she wants a blow-by-blow breakdown of when exactly you realised you didn't like 'boobies' anymore."

"What should I tell Kyle and Melon?"

"Michaela and I will speak to them once all the excitement's settled. Don't look so worried; you're their uncle and they'll always love you."

We both stood and shook the sand off ourselves. I turned to find Chris watching me. He put his hands on my shoulders and smiled a little, "One last question, little brother."

"Yeah?"

"Remember back in high school, when I was dating Kelly Metcalf and her odd cousin took an interest in you?"

"The guy with the strange smell and disturbingly hairy armpits?"

"Yes. Did you ever feel-"

"Nooo. Never."

He let out a light breath, "Good."

Then he hugged me as a light drizzle began to fall.

*

"Shit!" I slammed the phone down and rubbed my eyes in frustration. 

A knock at the door was followed by my father's entrance. Gregory Montgomery was a very large man; everything about him was made for intimidation. He stood well over 6 feet tall; his voice was deep and gruff; and his green eyes, searing. People tended to tread lightly when they first met him; and were invariably surprised by the gentle character they encountered as they got to know him. 

I was certain my mother had sent him down to my study because he'd always been best at calming and reassuring the rest of us.

"Hey, son," He entered cautiously and seated himself at the other end of my desk. I waited. For the first time in a very long time I didn't know what to expect from my father. 

It's been hours since my confession in this same study. I'd told them everything about Ethan. In total it had taken me two hours to tell my family that I didn't know what had changed for me; nor when exactly; nor why for Ethan in particular.

I had expected something to change once I told them but, looking at my father now sitting across from me, I was amazed that he was the same man with a wealth of love in his eyes.

"You might want to keep the expletives down; Michaela just put the rugrats to bed in the lounge, which is a miracle with all the chocolates your grandfather had managed to sneak to them on the way here."

"Sorry. I've just been... It's been a rough week - and now this."

He nodded gravely. "You haven't found him yet, I take it?"

I leaned back and let out an exhausted sigh, "No. I'm really worried now. It's so frustrating not knowing what to do. Do I go out and look for him? And where? Or do I stay, in case he turns up?"

"Just remember, son, that boy's as confused and scared as you are about everything. And I'm certain your ex-fiancée sweeping in out of nowhere didn't help matters much. You both need some calmness in order to sort things out. Don't get yourself too worked up; rather spend this time settling yourself so you two can get through this when he gets back."

"You think he'll be back?"

His eyes widened as if no other outcome were possible, "Of course, son. I have yet to meet any person able to resist a Montgomery."

I smiled tiredly, "Prepare for the exception then, Dad. You and Chris had a walk through the park compared to what I'm dealing with."

"Oh, I don't know about that. Gwen refused to go out with me for five weeks when I met her."

This was news to me, "Really? Mom wasn't attracted to you?

He chuckled, "Actually, she liked me just fine. She just didn't believe my feelings were real."

"No kidding. Mom?"

"She came from a single parent household. Her mother died young, as you know, and her father struggled financially to keep things together for five children. They loved each other, but didn't have much else. I, on the other hand, came from big money. She thought I was looking for a quick fling with a girl from the other side of the tracks. 

"When she was going to her part-time jobs after school, I was sailing and riding horses. She didn't believe two such worlds could blend. Thank goodness for those jobs of hers, though, because that's how we met. She was waitressing for a catering company my mother had hired for a luncheon. I pestered her so much that day she threw a drink in my face. I thought she was magnificent."

I laughed incredulously, "But how did you change a month of no's to a sudden yes?"

"I proposed to her."

I laughed again. He didn't. 

I blinked in astonishment, "What? Without ever having gone on a date?"

He smiled confidently, "I just knew that we'd make each other happy. And I panicked when I couldn't get her to spend time with me. I was worried that someone else might come along and snatch her from right before me. So I proposed."

"You knew that you loved her that much already?"

"I knew that I could not picture a life without her."

"What did Granddad and Gram make of that?'

"My mother was the one who suggested the solution."

I leaned back thoughtfully, "That's a great story. How come you never shared it with us when we were younger?"

His eyes went playfully stern, "Are you kidding? You were enough of a handful without us giving you any wild ideas."

/So... the crazier things feel, the greater the chance that you're perfectly normal. The greater the chance that it's lo-/ 

"Dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"How come you and mom weren't surprised when I told you about... me and Ethan?"

He chuckled, "Oh, best you believe we were surprised, son. Surprised doesn't even begin to describe it."

"But you all took it so well, a lot better than even I'd expected."

He looked at me for a long time before saying, "Remember when you were six and your mother and I took you and Chris to the animal shelter to adopt two pets?"

"Yeah."

"Chris picked a parakeet. You asked them if they had any giraffes."

I laughed at the memory. "I did settle for a chameleon in the end."

"Then when you were twelve you somehow roped me into convincing your mother to let you go hiking on Devil's Peak. I mean, the mountain's called Devil's Peak, for pete's sake! And let's not forget your infatuation with Khanyi from Simonstown when you were fifteen."

"She was stunning."

"She was working for a rival company - and ten years older than you."

"So?"

"And she was Xhosa, of which you don't speak a single word."

"Ah. Yes, I remember now."

"I think your seventeenth year was the most... exhilarating, though. That was the year of the motorbike; the fencing; the shark cage diving; and the announcement that you wanted to spend a year living and working in Dubai once you were done with high school."

"I don't see where this is headed, Dad. How did anything of those things tell you I'd end up into men?"

He laughed outright, "They didn't. But we did learn that you are as open-minded and generous with your spirit as anyone could ever be. You've always lived beyond the boundaries of convention, son. Your mother and brother and I have just adjusted over the years -- that's why the gap between initial shock and subsequent acceptance seems so small.

"And Michaela... Michaela is such a free spirit herself, I don't think anything could blindside her. Your grandparents too. This is how we all know you, it's how we love you."

I stood and went to him. Our hug was rough and honest. My father and I had always been close, but this was the first time in a long time that I felt like a kid with his hero again, "Thanks, Dad. I love you too. And tell mom-"

He kissed my forehead. "She knows, son. But I'm sure she wouldn't mind hearing it from you in the morning."

"Sure."

"In the meantime, you should really get your mind off things. Why don't you go for a walk?"

I shook my head. "Nah, can't. I want to be here when he gets back. Or calls. I just wish he'd turn his damn phone on."

"He'll be back, son. Just give him time to clear his head."

"I will. You go on up."

I marvelled at how the room seemed to expand to its normal size again when he left. My father was larger than life on so many levels; he filled rooms and hearts; and I loved him. 

I tried Ethan's number again and hung up dejectedly when I got his voicemail. It was late and getting chilly.

I went upstairs and walked in to find Carolynn on my bed in a blue teddy. I stopped by the door.

"What are you doing here?"

She smiled and slipped one of the straps off her shoulder, "Waiting for you of course, darling."

"No. Why are you in my house? You spread your legs in the city, remember?"

She rose up on her knees. "Don't remind me of the biggest mistake I ever made. I don't know what I was thinking, darling. But you know I simply can't go on without you. Please, come to bed, let me love you - then we'll talk. We have so much to talk about." 

I couldn't believe I had ever thought this woman beautiful, everything about her was so polished and fake. 

"I think you'd better leave."

Her lips parted in surprise, but she recovered well. "Aiden, I've been waiting all afternoon for you to come spend time with me. You can't expect me to believe that you want me to leave. We belong together, darling. Remember how splendid we were together? Everyone at our engagement party said so."

"They were wrong, Carolynn, and so was I. In fact, you were the only person who got it right when you walked out the door. I need you to do that again, right now. I told you earlier that all your things are in the small guestroom. And don't unpack your bag. I've already left a message at the front desk for Dan to arrange you transport anywhere you want to go when he gets in tomorrow."

"Aiden, come on, you weren't serious about putting me in another room. And sending me away?" She laughed a little nervously.

I opened the door, "I was."

After she left, I grabbed a sweater and went back downstairs to sit beside the phone.

*

~Ethan~ 

The trick to getting where you're going is to always put one foot in front of the other, even if it's raining. That is how I made it from Dan's car to the front door. 

Dan had found me earlier, wandering blindly down the driveway. He'd pursed his lips before silently letting me into his car and taking me home. There I got to meet Peter, his partner, who had made lasagne for supper. Peter was a fantastic cook. Dan wasn't - but he was great at opening wine bottles. And I'm fantastic at drinking wine - and that is what I did, desperately trying to numb out thoughts of Aiden's reunion with his buxom brunette. 

Peter and Dan shared a sunny apartment that had homey furnishings and a kitchen riddled with Peter's cookbooks. They didn't ask any direct questions - though I was fairly certain Dan could guess who was behind my distress. 

I'd watched them together, setting the table, touching each other familiarly and talking about their day - and my earlier longing for a committed love had twisted my gut again. 

But not anymore. Nooo sir! 

Right now I'm blissfully anaesthetised, concerned only with not setting my head on a collision course with the wet brick paving in front of Aiden's house. At one point, I almost failed, but luckily a trimmed bush cushioned my graceless tumble. Not a thorny bush, thank the heavens. 

Bet Miss Carolynn has a thorny bush. A horny worn-y thorny bush. I snickered up at the stars as I reclined in the prickly branches. 

/Ladies and gentlemen, Ethan Gray is on a witty roll tonight!/

Once the world stop tilting precariously, I pulled my butt out of the giant shrub and resumed my quest, wet but determined. It was with a look of triumphant accomplishment that I finally turned and waved goodbye to Dan from the front door. He looked like he was trying to figure out the best way to save me from myself. After a hesitant wave back he headed on his way.

Unlocking the door turned out to be quite simple. It was punching in the security code on the dancing keypad once I was inside that was the challenge. Success was marked by the musical beeping as the word SECURE flashed on the small screen. 

/Yeah, baby!/

My grin was washed away by the sight of Carolynn when I turned from the door. She was wearing a silk robe and it had fallen open to reveal an obscenely revealing teddy beneath it. My throat locked as my first image was of Aiden touching her.

"Well, well," she purred. "Look what the cat dragged in. You must have made yourself awfully comfortable in my fiancé's home if you already have the keys and codes."

I held my tongue as she slowly approached, taking in my tousled hair and dishevelled clothes, noting my obvious misery.

"What's the matter, dear? You don't look so well. Are you feeling sick? A little lovesick, perhaps?"

My heart thumped; and I knew she'd spotted my reaction which was as good as an admission.

"I don't know what you mean."

She laughed. Of all reactions I'd expected, this one was most cutting.

"Why, Ethan, you poor thing. Did you really think you stood a chance with someone like my Aiden? The man is straight, for goodness sake! You know, if it weren't so pathetic, it would almost be admirable: someone like you setting his sights so high." 

Her eyes narrowed nastily. "Face it, princess, even if Aiden were like you, you'd have absolutely nothing to offer him. He is a strong, successful and virile man. Did you really think you stood a chance of keeping someone like him satisfied? Honestly, you should be grateful that I returned to reclaim my rightful place in his home and his heart. At least this way, you're saved getting your heart broken down the line. Now I suggest you do yourself a favour, dear: make sure your bags are packed tonight. Make whatever arrangements and get the hell out. I don't want to lay eyes on you come morning."

She turned dismissively and headed for the stairs. She paused before going up, "And stay away from Aiden. I have plans of my own for him tonight." The robe slipped from one shoulder as she headed up. Thoughts of her plans for the night almost made me bring up the lasagne I'd eaten.

I slumped against the door and fighting back tears. So that was it then, my worst fears confirmed. 

/What did you expect, you masochist? If it hadn't been Carolynn it would've been something - or someone - else. The story that begins with "Once upon a time a gay guy fell for a straight guy" never ends with "and they lived happily ever after". Now get out before Aiden finds you here./




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 03



Carolynn's words had been cutting enough, hearing the same thing from Aiden would kill me. My heart was shattered and I wasn't sure I would ever find all the pieces again. 

I let myself out and switched on my phone so I could call Dan. I was grateful that he didn't ask any questions. I said my silent goodbyes to Aiden as I stumbled back down the driveway.

*

I woke up to find a peacock staring at me. 

The sight of its fanned-out, colourful tail made me feel nauseous. The longer I stared at it, the more I felt like throwing up. Where on earth was I? And why did the sheets smell so unfamiliar?

I rolled onto my back and was confronted by a cluster of photographs on the opposite wall. Dan and Peter. Yes, of course. The events of the previous day flooded around me and rose to the point where I thought I just might suffocate.

How did the perfection of my day with Aiden deteriorate into something so ugly within a matter of hours? The attraction, the nervous excitement I'd felt around him had been crushed by Carolynn and her 'fuck-me' stilettos. And I was left waking up on Dan's couch, next to a fake peacock.

Just then Dan marched in and cheerily threw himself on the couch, jarring my aching body, "Let's hustle, Mr Gray, time to break up this pathetic pity party."

"Not so loud, please," I winced as Dan swept the drapes open, effectively slicing into my brain with shards of light. "And I might need you to gouge my eyes out... to ease this pain."

Dan's tutting could've been mistaken for sounds of sympathy, but I heard the sadistic satisfaction in his tone. "Bad hangover? Poor Ethan. Now get up, breakfast's ready." 

"Dan, did I... say anything yesterday?"

"Anything about what?

"I don't know... anything dumb or embarrassing? Some parts are a blur."

"Nope, not a thing."

I shut my eyes in relief, "Thank goodness."

"You rambled some stuff about cherry tomatoes and lemonade. Then you cursed Carolynn to Hell's outhouse and told us you were in love with Aiden. At some point you were talking to the peacock over there about-"

"Oh, God. I what?"

"I know, right? But I swear it's true. You just marched right up the peacock and started telling it some really terrible knock-knock jokes."

"No, Dan! Don't you think the bit where I said... I said... Oh, God, I told you I love him? How did that not make your list of 'dumb and embarrassing'?"

"You should've heard your jokes. The answer to 'Who's there?' was always 'Aiden' -- and none of the punch lines were funny."

"Shit, what if I told Carolynn? I spoke to her last night, didn't I?"

"Nah, don't worry, you're safe. You gave me a word-for-word rundown of your conversation with the ice queen and you never said a word about it."

"He's going to take her back."

"Aiden? He told you this?"

"No, I figured it out. It's damned obvious, actually. I saw them together yesterday, Dan. She's beautiful and he's going to go back to her."

"Look, I'm not at all sure how true that might be, but now's not the time to try sort it out. Get your butt to the bathroom. There's a new toothbrush and a fresh towel set out for you. Breakfast is waiting, so hurry up. Afterwards we'll go out and help you take your mind off things."

*

The beachfront market turned out to be a lot larger than I'd imagined. Row upon row of stalls beckoned, stocking everything from furniture, books and music to clothing, food and sports gear.

We met up with Justin and Jordan, Dan and Peter's friends. They both had brown hair and tall, slim builds. Upon meeting them I noticed that they shared many common interests and habits; they even completed each other's sentences. It was vile.

I still had trouble working out their relationship, though. Were they brothers, housemates or lovers? No one elaborated and my sleuthing skills were dodgy enough not to be trusted.

Jordan already had an armful of books, even though Justin assured us they'd arrived there only half an hour before us. Crime thrillers, sci fi, horror and one romance novel -- all by different authors. Either the man had a strangely diverse love for reading, or he was schizophrenic. 

He saw me blinking at a thick book about Scandinavian cooking and looked down at it then back at me, "What?"

"Uh, nothing. So, you enjoy cooking?"

He looked back at the book again, "No."

"But Lord knows it's time the boy learnt," Justin added.

Jordan frowned but didn't look away from me, "I can make ice cream from scratch, though-"

"-and custard-"

"-so it's not like I'm completely useless. I'm-"

"-just the guy to call when you lose all your teeth in the middle of the next major famine."

This time he did turn to Justin. I laughed. They were such a weird pair. Peter thumped Justin's shoulder and Dan pushed me towards the stalls to check out what was on sale.

"Ignore those two clowns; listening to them for too long is liable to give you a serious migraine."

"I can imagine," I chuckled. 

"Don't catch them apart, though, 'cause that's even worse. They're completely unintelligible without the other there to tip the conversation over into a bearable imitation of English."

I had a wonderful morning, much better than I'd expected. Dan bought a hideous, wooden meerkat that he said would look great next to the peacock. Peter paused and nearly dropped the fishing rod he'd been inspecting, but wisely chose not to say a word.

Jordan insisted I get myself something before we left. When I picked out a t-shirt at a clothing stall, he scoffed and turned to the hats. I ended up leaving with a hat that no real business outside a rodeo ring -- only to find that Dan had bought me a hideous ceramic teapot with multi-coloured strawberries painted all over it.

"Something to remember us by when you're back in Cape Town," he stated happily.

He had no idea how vivid those memories would be.

'The day we met... you tasted of strawberries.'

Nor how much they would torment me.

*

We bought lunch at one of the busier food stalls and carried it to the picnic tables at the edge of the market. I'd tried to back out of getting anything, but Dan was hearing none of it. Once seated, I surprised myself by digging in ravenously. The smoked chicken and crunchy vegetables made my taste buds hum; but it was the fluffy pap, melting in my mouth, that made me happiest of all. 

It was only when I looked up to find the others watching me in amusement that I realised how little I'd contributed to the conversation. I smiled sheepishly and pushed my empty plate away.

Jordan passed me a bottle of water, "So, Ethan, what do you do?"

"I, uh, built a website while I was still at varsity."

"Wow. What type of site? Do you sell stuff? Or is it educational? Or-"

"-one of those 'no minors', kinky setups-"

"-that Justin can never stay away from?"

"No, uh, it's a social site, mainly a networking hub. I'm not that good with people, never have been. In my second year I created the site as part of a large-scale course assignment. I set it up so that I'd be able to reach my classmates and professors without seeing them directly. And it helped me keep in touch with family. 

"And it just blew up?" 

I nodded, "My friend, Sam, was a drama student at the time. When he joined most of the other drama students followed. And since the art students shared a campus with the drama students, they heard about it and joined. Next thing I knew, more people than I'd ever imagined were joining, mostly those in creative fields: writing, production, music... and then I started getting calls from advertisers.

"Those students are all successful professionals in their respective fields today. So the site's popularity just keeps increasing; and it's kept the focus on creative production throughout."

When they realised which site I was talking about they were amazed, shooting questions till my head spun. I didn't mind, though. I enjoyed their company and they were doing wonders in keeping my mind off of the wreckage I'd run from at the Montgomery.

"So you're a stinking rich celebrity," Jordan said.

"Well, I don't know about the 'celebrity' bit, but I do have some money."

"How much is 'some'?"

"Oh, very classy, Jordan," Peter interjected.

"Don't act like you're not curious, bud-"

"-because we all are. It's not like we're asking him to-

"-throw out a figure or anything. Just give us an idea, Ethan. Like, will you be-"

"-appearing on the cover of Forbes in the near future? Or-"

"-jetting off to your private island for Christmas?"

I smiled shyly, "I don't own an island. Or a jet. I guess I could buy one, but my car gets me around just fine. Let's just say my grandkids' grandkids won't have much to worry about in terms of money."

"Christ," Justin and Jordan spoke in unison. Even their voices sounded the same. 

There was a pause in the conversation that had me fidgeting a little. This was the very reason I'd never buy a jet; money drew too much damn attention. Drawing that much interest to someone like myself was pointless. I started worrying that my revelation would make them act weird around me.

Dan extinguished that concern within seconds, "So do you want any?"

"Any what?"

"Great great great grandkids?"

My ears flamed, "Oh! That was just a timeline thing, it wasn't to say... I wasn't trying to... I just meant that I'm set financially."

"And so is Ethan Gray VII. If you want him, which is the question you still haven't answered. So?"

I ducked my head, "Oh, I can't have kids."

"But there are these fantastic creatures called 'women', who can. In fact-"

"-they do it all the time-"

"-so you could have kids-"

"-if you wanted them."

"Leave him alone, you clowns," Peter, my saviour, stepped in again.

"No, it's ok," I said. "I've never given it serious thought. I think I've been afraid of getting my hopes up. I wouldn't want to do something like that alone, so I'd first have to meet someone."

Jordan's eyebrows lifted, "You mean, there are no current candidates? I find that-

"-hard to believe."

I caught Dan's eye and silently pleaded with him not to say anything. The last thing I needed was a breakdown of why I was an idiot once these guys found out I'd allowed myself to fall for a straight man.

Dan barely met my eyes, but I knew he'd understood. He turned and thumped Jordan's shoulder, "Please, restrain yourself from turning into the matchmaker from hell. I've known you long enough to want to protect Ethan from your haphazard meddling."

"Oh, but there is madness to my method."

"Yes, that's what scares me."

Jordan frowned, "No, wait-"

Justin laughed, "Jordan's madness aside, you're cute, sweet and rich. How hard could it be to pick from the hordes of guys who must be after you?"

A cross between a hiccough and a snort escaped me. The self-derision was clear in my tone, "I am not cute-"

"You're right, bunnies are cute. Beautiful is more the word. It's your eyes mostly; and your lips, I think. You know, you've been turning heads all morning and I don't think you noticed even one of those guys."

I ducked my head, so he wouldn't see how much I wished that were true. "Now you're just making things up to flatter me."

"That's it," Dan stood unexpectedly. "It's getting late. Fortunately, 'Worshipping the Wonder that is Ethan' is a game we can play on the move -- so let's move it, mochachos!" 

He was right; it was mid-afternoon already and many of the people who'd wandered the market with us that morning were long gone. We got rid of our trash and gathered our things to leave. I had to help Jordan with his books since he'd bought too many to carry and all Justin would do was laugh at him.

*

"It's a building in which they play music and serve drinks, usually with a dance floor and posh décor and lighting."

I gave up on watching television and turned it off. "I need my laptop."

Dan, beside me, ignored my statement, "There're barmen and DJ's. Some even have VIP lounges."

I slumped back and turned to him, "I know what a club is, Dan."

"Good, then you'll recognise it when we go to one tonight."

"No, I don't think so. I can't go out tonight; I'd be horrible company. You and Peter go and I'll stay here. Is there anyone at the guesthouse that I could call and ask to bring my laptop for me?"

Dan's eyebrow lifted judgementally, "Coward."

"I'd just prefer not to see him right now."

"Not that, bright spark. That I understand. But turning down free VIP entrance to the hottest gay club in town, that's plain cowardice. Your dance moves can't be that bad."

"What dance moves? Besides, it's not that. I'm not in the best frame of mind today -- I don't want to spoil your night out with my funk."

"Oh, come on. You had fun earlier today. This evening will be the same. We'll toss back a drink or two, dance to a couple songs and share some laughs. Jordan will be very disappointed if you don't come."

"He's known me all of two minutes. No, he won't miss me."

"We have witnessed documented incidents in which it took him under a minute to latch onto someone new. Come on, you have to say yes. Justin isn't reliable at all when it comes to clubbing. He'll disappear within the first hour, ruining any chance of the quality time I plan on spending with Peter. You can come keep Jordan company."

"So they're not a couple?"

"Who? Justin and Jordan?!" the laughter seemed to erupt uncontrollably out of him. He leaned over and slapped my thigh. Hard. Then did it again when a new wave of hysterical cackling hit him.

I shifted towards the far corner of the couch, rubbing my stinging thigh. "I'll take that as a 'no', then."

"You'd be right then," Dan gasped, wiping a tear. "Jordan's as straight as they come, man. Those two just share a two-bedroom place. What line were you standing in when God was handing out gaydar?"

"The 'foot-in-mouth' queue. No one else was in it so I think I might've gotten a double dose." No more detective games, for real this time.

"Aw, poor monkey. Hey, you're not the first to make that mistake so don't feel bad. Jordan is actually a perfect example of a fine, gay man -- except for the bit where he insists on sleeping with women, of course."

I lifted my head, "He and Justin are so in sync it's spooky. I really thought they were dating."

"Like I said, you're not the first. Justin's gay, but he's never been interested in Jordan. They've been living together for a year now; and been friends forever before that."

"Oh. So does Jordan join you guys often? At gay clubs, I mean."

"All the time. The boy's weird like that, but we still love him. You have to join us, if only to enjoy one of our favourite pastimes with us: Mackin' Jordan."

"You guys hit on him?"

Another laugh, "No, genius. At the beginning of the night we each guess how many men we think will hit on our straight boy. Whoever's guess is correct or close, wins. And their drinks are on the rest of the group the next time."

The thought was too funny to resist. Maybe going out the guys would be fun. Maybe I'd have a better chance of not curling up in emotional agony if I keep busy and spend my time around some good people.

Considering my alternative was staying in the empty apartment, pretending Aiden didn't exist, I surprised Dan by heading towards the bathroom without further protest.

*

~Aiden~

Sunday was a long, dragging mess.

I awoke at sunrise, propped up in an armchair, back stiff and eyes grainy. Stretching hurt, but I did it anyway. My muscles protested as I made an urgent search for my cell phone the moment the previous day's events slammed into me. Ethan. Ethan...

I found my phone but no calls or messages. I lowered myself back into my chair and reached for the phone on my desk. My jaw was clenched tight enough to make my teeth feel like they'd disintegrate, but I didn't know how to relax it. I dialled Ethan's number from memory only to be redirected to his voicemail. His voice sounded quiet and shy. I slammed the receiver down before the beep.

In the lounge, I found the kids sprawled out on two mattresses from the guesthouse. Kyle was asleep with his head under his pillow, but Melanie was awake and smiling at me. I tiptoed over to her and crouched next to her makeshift bed.

I brushed her hair back and kissed her forehead, "Hey, sweet Melon."

"Hey," she rubbed her fingertips across the tip of her nose the way she'd always done when worried. "Are you in trouble, uncle Aiden?"

"No, honey. Why would you ask that?"

"Yesterday Daddy said everyone needed to have a serious talk with you; and then Gram-Gram was saying swear words after that."

Sharp seven-year-old.

"I'm sorry you heard that, honey. But nothing bad has happened. I've learned some new things about myself and your dad and everyone else were helping me understand it, that's all."

"Oh," her brow cleared up in immediate understanding. "Like Zoe Louw's older sister, Carla."

"Um, ok."

"Yes. Her mommy had to have a talk with Carla when she found out she had new boobies and her period. Do you know what a period is?"

There wasn't a single female in my family who couldn't make me blush. "Well, uhhh-"

"Mommy promised to tell me, but only when I'm a bit older."

Thank you Gods, "Then you should wait until then. It's girl-talk, Melon, and there's no one better to take you through that stuff than your mom. Now try get some more sleep; it's early still. I'm going for a run."

I went to my room to change then set off.

Gym had never been my strong point. I'd tried to match my friends' enthusiasm back when we were all teens, but quickly found that going from machine to machine could be monotonous yet punishing -- not my ideal combo.

I'd discovered running while in varsity, when my roommate dared me to complete the Comrades Marathon. I love a challenge and will try anything at least once, so I'd registered for the following year. Training was brutal and once I'd completed the 90 km run, I'd sworn off ever trying it again. But the love for running remained.

A salty breeze beckoned from my right and my decision was made for me. I set off in the direction of the beach. The rhythms of my feet, heart and breath were in sync and -- were it not for the constant worrying about Ethan -- I would've been content. I pushed the image of his face to the back of my mind and concentrated on the asphalt.

The road I was on gave me a clear view of the beach down below. A memory of Ethan and his ice cream flashed before me and I picked up my pace, hoping to leave it behind. Thirty minutes later I passed the rocky outcrop that separated the public beach from my private piece. It was deserted, as expected, and a broad line of shells glittered along the water's edge. Ethan would like it down there. He seemed to have a thing for quiet corners and serene spaces.

Shit.

I angrily turned my back on the beach and headed in an uphill curve back towards the Montgomery. That man had to be the shyest person I knew. He never showed off; never picked unnecessary fights or played pranks. Never did anything to attract attention and yet I could think of nothing else but him. 

The kiss we'd shared two nights ago had awoken something within me. I don't know why I'd gone to him -- besides, of course, the five-year vortex that had tugged that much harder with the knowledge that he had someone in the bedroom with him. 

I had stood there in front of his closed door, counting the reasons why I shouldn't tear through it and find him. And then he'd stepped out and stared at me with those bright eyes. I'd kissed him because... I'd kissed him because I couldn't keep away from him. 

I picked up my pace, squinting into the morning sun. Sweat was pouring off me and my wet hair flopped across my forehead with every step.

I'd kissed him because his touch calmed me and his presence somehow made me see myself a little clearer. I'd dated many women and enjoyed their company; but this was something incomparable. Ethan filled me. And being away from him... unbalanced me.




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 03



Shit.

I was soaked by the time I ran through the Montgomery gates. Everyone was up and bustling about, their bags already lined up in the foyer. Dad waved a fork at me from where he stood guard over a pan of sizzling bacon.

I tried to kiss Gram's cheek when I passed her on my way up the stairs, but she ducked in time.

"Try me again after your shower, boy."

I grinned and headed towards my room. Everything immediately dropped to a bitter chill when I saw Carolynn rushing my way.

"We have to talk, darling."

"No, Carolynn, we don't."

"You can't carry this anger of yours forever, Aiden. It's getting us nowhere. Don't let one terrible mistake define our entire relationship. We need to talk so that we can work our way towards forgiveness. Don't throw away everything we had, darling."

I slammed my door behind me the moment I entered my bedroom. I went to the phone and dialled Ethan's number again. Still off. 

I didn't stop to process through any sort of reaction because I knew I'd go crazy if I did. I had to find him. I sat through only half of the noisy affair that was breakfast, before saying early farewells and hurrying down to the Montgomery. I didn't see Carolynn again.

I spoke to everyone I found, asking them whether they'd seen Ethan leave or knew where he'd gone. When that proved fruitless, I pulled up a contact list of the staff who'd been on duty. The young woman who'd manned the front desk with Dan mentioned that Dan had left in a hurry when he'd spotted Ethan rushing down the driveway looking upset.

I hung up and stared at my tightly clenched fists. 

Dan had to know where Ethan was. He had to. If this turned out to yet another dead end I'd lose the fragile grip I had on my self-control.

"Hello?" Daniel answered a lot sooner than I'd expected.

"Daniel? It's Aiden. Where's Ethan?" Smooth.

"Pardon?"

"Ethan, where is he? Jane said you mentioned that he was upset yesterday and went help him out. Do you know where he is?" I was unravelling. He had to know.

"He's here with me."

"What?"

"Look, nothing happened. He looked really torn up and when he asked me if I could find him a place to stay, I brought him here. Peter and I have been trying to cheer him up ever since."

"Peter?"

"My partner. We live together."

"Oh. Good." Good? 

"Look, I don't know what's going on, but I do know that Ethan isn't looking forward to seeing you. I told him to call you and let you know where he'd be last night and he flat-out refused. So give him some time, okay?"

"No." Not if it meant another night like last night.

"You have to, boss. He's already doing much better than yesterday. Just give him a few more hours. Peter and I were going to take him to the club -- you could meet us there. Okay?"

A few more hours and I'd get to see him again. Gods, how do I even begin to sort through this mess and get him to come back?

"Boss?"

The word implied that I was in charge yet I'd never felt more clueless.

*

I arrived at the club wearing dress pants, a charcoal shirt and black jacket. Peter met me at the entrance to make sure I got in without any hassle. I shook his hand, hoping I didn't look as agitated as I felt.

"Is he here?" I cringed at how obvious I was being.

Peter nodded. "Yeah. Dan and the others are inside with him. Let's go."

Others?

The club's entrance was higher than the interior's floor level. When we walked in I had a clear view of the dance floor and bar to my left. It was early yet but the place was already half full. Every dark head caught my eye and I found myself anxiously scanning faces for Ethan's.

When I saw him my chest filled and I forgot about Peter beside me. There was a semi-circle of tables and tall stools in the far corner and booths curled around low tables further to the right. Ethan was sitting alone in one of the booths.

Moments later a tall man approached him and handed him a drink before sitting down next to him. I shrugged my shoulders because they'd suddenly tensed. The man whispered something to Ethan and he looked confused for a second then smiled. After another whisper Ethan laughed. When the man leaned even closer to carry on the conversation I moved without thinking.

I heard Peter's voice calling to me but didn't hear what he said. In no time I was pushing through the gyrating bodies on the dance floor. A hand on my chest made me pause. I looked down at it then up at its owner. A slim guy with spiky hair was smiling at me.

"Hey, gorgeous. You here alone?"

"No."

I pushed on single-mindedly. Ethan was still smiling and the other man now had his arm around Ethan's shoulders. I wanted to slam the bastard into the nearest wall.

Ethan spotted me just before I reached them. His smile vanished instantly and my step faltered. He suddenly looked wary and afraid. He didn't want me here.

My mind computed this but my body wasn't interested. My feet carried me all the way to their booth. The other man finally noticed me and looked me over curiously. 

"What are you doing here?" Ethan's eyes gleamed the way they had the day Reynolds had hurt him. Why?

"I was worried about you. You haven't been in touch since yesterday afternoon and you don't know anyone around here. I waited half the night for you to come back and was worried when you didn't."

"I did."

That surprised me, "Last night?"

He nodded, "I... bumped into Carolynn."

How could I feel so cold while lava was pumping through my veins? "What did she do?"

He shrugged, "Nothing really."

He looked down when he said it so I didn't believe him, but didn't want to upset him in public.

He suddenly remembered that we weren't alone, "This is Jordan; he's a friend of Dan's." He looked up at me, "I spent the night at Dan and Peter's."

"Yes, Dan told me when I finally tracked him down today. Can we talk?"

Apprehension flashed in his eyes and I knew why. This had to be like déjà vu to him.

"Nothing like that, I promise. I just need to talk to you. You can trust me, Ethan."

He looked down at his drink again then turned to Jordan. Jordan nudged his shoulder, "Do what you need to do, bud... right here... just shout."

He had to be drunker than he looked because I didn't understand much of what he said. Ethan, however, was smiling again and getting to his feet. Just then Dan and Peter arrived at the booth with another man in tow. He looked a lot like Jordan and I assumed they were brothers.

Dan's eyes were wide and he looked back and forth between Ethan and me.

My greeting came out gruffer than I'd intended, "Daniel."

He was about to respond when Ethan interrupted him, "Later, Dan."

His eyebrow shot up at that but he stepped aside with a grin. 

Peter handed Ethan a key, "Use my office. It's the most conversation-friendly zone you'll find in the whole place."

Ethan took the key, grabbed my hand and pulled me to an area with softer lighting and less noise. His hand was warm and mine heated at his touch.

We entered what looked like an open lounge area. After crossing it we approached a large man guarding a half-concealed door. Ethan showed him the key and said a few words. The man nodded and opened the door for us. He pointed out the correct door at the end of a thickly carpeted hallway.

Once we were safely in Peter's office we simply looked at each other. The club music was muffled back here. Ethan was the first to drop his gaze. He went to sit on the leather couch. I sat beside him but made sure to leave some distance so he'd be comfortable. My fingers itched to touch his again.

"Why are you here, Aiden?"

I studied his neutral face, "Did Carolynn say anything to upset you last night? Is that why you didn't stay?"

"Does it matter?"

Of course if mattered. He had to know that she had no right to run him off. How could I make him understand that the one element that made sense in this delirium was the bond I felt with him? I needed the perfect words, a declaration that would make him want to stick around.

I reached across and brushed his hair out of his eyes. His lips parted and a rush of warm breath fanned across my wrist, but he didn't say anything. He licked his bottom lip but I don't think he meant the gesture to be as alluring as I found it.

My fingers slid through his hair till my hand rested at the back of his neck.

I leaned closer to him, "Ethan... This is really difficult for me. I'm trying to find the perfect thing to say that'll make everything okay, but all I can think of right now is that you're here and how badly I want to kiss you. Can I just-"

His lips met mine before I could finish. There it was again, the heat and peace all whisked together. His skin was so warm and smooth beneath my fingertips. My fierce craving unfurled and eased to a low hum when I was sure that it would be sated. 

I let him conduct our joining, wanting him to feel my sincerity. I'd never wanted someone to trust me as much as I did in that moment. He put his arms around my neck and I could no longer differentiate between the music's drumming tempo and my thudding heart.

I traced my fingertips along his jaw and down his neck. When they explored across his shoulders and down his back, he trembled. There'd been a hint of ginger in his drink; the taste of it made me want more. I pushed my tongue into his mouth and, the more of him I tasted the better I liked the ginger.

I was so hard.

He pulled away and I protested with a growl. So much for no pressure. I opened my eyes to find him smiling and edging closer. He lifted a leg over me and when his erection met mine he licked his lips again.

Damn it, what was he doing to me?

He leaned forward to continue the kiss, but this time I was the one to pull back. Confusion showed in his eyes before he lowered them. 

I lifted a hand to his chin and tilted his face back up, "Don't ever run away from me like that again."

I saw some of the earlier hurt flash in his eyes once more, "What other option do I have? Not only are you straight, you're engaged to a gorgeous woman who would toss me into the next continent if she could."

My hand on his chin held him still, never allowing him to break eye contact. The other slid beneath his shirt to stroke his lower back.

I touched my forehead to his so that the words I spoke would fall onto his lips, "I'll say this as many times as you need to hear it: she does not matter; what she wants is irrelevant. It's what you want that matters to me. And as for the 'straight' part..."

I pulled him closer to me to remind him of the erection I had that was now threatening to cut through my pants.

"Now promise me you won't disappear on me like that again. I spent the night half out of my mind and that is not a state I would willingly revisit."

"I promise."

"Good."

"But you need to promise me something too."

"What?"

"Can we talk? About all this and what it means? I feel like I've been spun through so many complications I no longer know which way is up."

The thudding was definitely my heart, "Yes, we can talk."

His hands reached for my belt, "Thank you."

"Hang on a sec. What're you doing?"

"We'll talk later. Right now we," he smiled on the emphasis, "are testing the strength of your contradiction of my 'straight Aiden' theory'.

I would've chuckled, had it not been for the sudden shock of his hand beneath my shirt while the other continued to work on my belt. He stroked my abs, smiling when the muscles jumped beneath his fingertips.

With my belt undone he used both hands to unbutton my shirt.

"I think this is the first time I've seen you in an actual shirt," he whispered. "What is it with all those superhero t-shirts anyway?"

"I uhh..." my response trailed off into a moan when he leaned in to lick my nipple. "If I'd known you liked shirts this much I'd worn one weeks ago."

His tongue nudged at the tight bud then his teeth snapped onto it. My back arched off the couch. I sunk the fingers of one hand into his hair when he turned to the other nipple. My other hand pulled him tightly against me.

He was rocking back and forth on my lap, burning away at my self-control with his sensuous teasing. I'd never known love making could be like this. Neither of us was overpowering the other, we met halfway and savoured one another.

He danced his tongue across my lips and I opened myself to him. His kiss was fervoured and turned me inside out. I leaned back, running my hands up his back and inviting him to explore me. We tasted each other for the longest time. Nothing else existed and no one else mattered.

His lips moved to my throat and back down my chest. I took back every time I'd ever called him shy. I hissed when I felt him unzip my pants with a deft tug. He smiled at me from beneath his long lashes, biting his full bottom lip between his teeth.

I undid his shirt and pushed it off his shoulders. His skin looked warm and inviting in the soft lighting -- it reminded me of the time I'd watched him doing yoga in the sunlight.

I stroked his lean torso and pulled him down towards me as I sat up. I knew that the bites I planted behind his ear and down his neck were savage but I couldn't stop myself. I latched my mouth to the base of his neck and sucked hard. I had to clamp my hands on his thighs to still him when his writhing sped up.

"Aiden, wait. You can't... you'll leave a mark..."

His lost moans were sexy but it was the image that he'd unwittingly planted in my mind that excited me more. I wanted to mark him. I wanted him to feel me on him long after we parted and I wanted others to see the bites and know. I wanted everyone to know...

I sucked harder and twisted his nipples, making him cry out. 

I tightened my hold on him when I realised he was trying to rise off my lap, but I quickly relaxed when I felt his hands at the waist of my pants. I helped him pull them down, along with my boxer briefs. Half undressed for the first time with this man made more of an impact than any time I could remember with all the women I'd known. I'd never wanted anything more than this.

Ethan stood before me with a cautious smile, I knew he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. My heart stuttered in my chest when my eyes fell on his groin before me. I pulled his pants open pushed everything down.

His cock. 

I didn't think, I couldn't. I just reached out and wrapped my fingers around him. His cock was in my hand. It was swollen and leaking precum; and it was perfect because it was his. The precum was silky and warm and I spread it from his tip to his base.

He was so hard. I squeezed my fingers around his length the way I'd done to myself almost every day since he'd arrived. He cried out and I felt the tremble that rose from his knees. I stroked him faster, wanting to draw out all the pleasure I could from him.

One of my hands brushed against his balls and his hips jerked. I looked up at him as I cupped them. Diamonds blazed down at me, his expression incredulous. I wanted him in my mouth. 

I leaned forward but couldn't reach him because he was sinking to his knees before me.

"No, I can't let you," he husked. "I'll pass out if you do that now. And I need to taste you first. I need you."

He pushed me back and wrapped his lips around the head of my erection before I could protest. 

Fuck.

His tongue stroked my length as he lowered his head. I gritted my teeth with the effort it took not to thrust all of me into that sweet heat. 

"Oh shit, that is so good, so good..."

He released my cock and ran his tongue around my balls. When he drew each into his mouth I wove my fingers through his hair and pulled him closer. I had to. The blinding frenzy intensified as his mouth worked on me. Stars shot across the darkness behind my shut lids.

/Look at him, look at him. Open your bloody eyes./

"Fuck..."

He was back on my cock again, his full lips sinking down around it, sinking without stopping. How was he able to-

"Oh fuck, baby!" I sank into his throat.

He lifted for a few seconds then sank back down, right to the bottom. Gods above, his throat was massaging my dick. His tongue lapped at the base, his hands stroking my balls. He was pushing buttons I didn't even know I liked. My eyes were closed again.

/Open them!/

Only one hand was stroking my balls, the other was... Shit, he was touching himself. I watched him pleasure himself, seeming to get more turned on the more I responded to him.

"Oh baby, you're so hot. Do you know how hot you look right now? You're gonna make me come, Ethan. I don't know if I can... fuck..."

My balls tightened in his hand and I knew he was aware of what he was doing to me. The sight of his hand speeding up on his own dick was my undoing. I came with primal grunts, lifting even higher when he started moaning on my cock.

He withdrew a little so my roaring blasts landed in his mouth, bathing his tongue. My hips thrust all through my explosion. I wanted to sink into him, take him into me, make him mine.

Sweat glistened on my heaving chest and my brain tried and failed to reassemble itself. Ethan was still on his knees, cheeks pink, looking a little uncertain of himself. I reached down and pulled him up on the couch beside me.

"You're incredible," I kissed him softly, before curiously slipping my tongue between his lips.

He let me sample his new taste till I was satisfied. When I stopped his shyness returned. 

He tried to reach down for his pants but I stopped him, "Relax."

I stood and tucked myself back into my clothes. Then I went down the hall to the small bathroom and brought back tissues, some moistened, some dry. I used them to clean first him then the floor. Ethan watched me the entire time. Then he straightened his clothes and I joined him on the couch again.

We sat close, knees touching, looking at each other.

"I'm glad we could have this talk," I smiled at him.

He shook his head wryly, "You're too much. We still have plenty to sort through, Aiden. But I don't think this is the place." He pushed his hair back, only to have it sweep forward again, "I'll be staying at Dan's a little longer, I need the space to think."

"How much longer?" I wasn't very happy and knew it showed.

"A day or two to clear my mind. Being around you messes with my head and we both have a lot going on right now."

"Fair enough."

"I want to work through a few points on my own first, things we'll need to discuss together later." He stood up, "Until then, I don't know if chasing orgasms is a healthy first priority for us."

I stood with him, reluctant to break out of our temporary bubble. 

"Fine. You're right," I said then grabbed his hand when he turned away, "but there's one urgent point I need to clarify right now."

He looked up at me; the shine back in his eyes, "What's that?"

Without a word I captured his lips again. I pulled him flush against my body and tightened the fingers of one hand in his hair. The other cupped his arse, pinning him against me. I plundered his mouth, gentleness forgotten. His moans rose and his arms circled my neck so smoothly I knew it had to be instinctive. Minutes shuffled around till time made no sense and still I held him.

Something beyond words happened every time I held him in my arms -- I just hoped he got the message. I deepened the kiss when his arms tightened. I used the hand on his arse to fuse him to me and half lifted him off the ground. I wanted to world to know this beautiful man was with me.

"Aiden..."

I wondered how many times more I could get him to say my name like that.

"Aiden, I get the point."

He looked breathless, so I loosened my grip and grinned at him, "Oh, that wasn't the point, baby. That was the preview."

*

~Ethan~

I agreed to lunch with Aiden two days later because I'm a fool in love.





I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 03



The chance to get talk to him on reasonably neutral territory was my excuse and I clung to it. I smiled when I saw his Superman t-shirt. 

I didn't know how to ask him about our relationship so I plunged on into the second biggest issue plaguing me, "So, is Carolynn... back?"

We were in a busy restaurant in the centre of town. Aiden had greeted me with a hug that had raised a couple eyebrows but he'd paid them no mind. After a few minutes I'd nervously peeked around to see everyone else enjoying their lunches, showing no interest in us.

/Relax, you idiot./

"I told her to leave," he replied. "But she insists we still have things to talk about." He looked at me, green eyes sharp, "She's not at the house and we're not together anymore, if that's what you're wondering."

"Oh."

Our waitress cleared our plates and offered us the dessert menus. Aiden ordered the chocolate mousse cake for both of us without looking at it.

He studied me after she left, "That 'oh' means something."

"Does it?"

He nodded, "It does. I'm not familiar with it so I'm not sure what you're trying to say. I only know the 'oh' that comes wrapped in your moans -- that one I understand perfectly." He grinned at my shocked expression, "What're you thinking?"

I was the one who'd insisted on working things out. I had to see this through, "Wouldn't it make sense to just talk to her?"

His smile faded, "Why? She lied and slept around. What more do I need to know?"

"She was your fiancée, Aiden."

"Exactly. 'Was' is very accurate," he snapped. "I need nothing more from that woman."

"You haven't told her that, though. Unpleasant as it may be, you have to take the time to talk to her. End it. Otherwise you'll be lugging unnecessary baggage around."

He leaned back again when our waitress served our dessert.

Once she was gone he nodded at me, "You're right."

After lunch he invited me back to the Montgomery, talking about wanting to show me the small beach attached to his property. I hesitated. When he promised to have me back at Dan's before supper, I relented and followed him to his car.

Back at the Montgomery, he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the guesthouse instead of the house. Dan was on the phone. His eyebrow nearly shot up into his hairline when he noted our clasped hands, but he quickly put the call on hold and turned to Aiden. I tried to free my hand discreetly but his grip tightened possessively.

"Any messages?" Aiden asked.

Dan nodded at me, "Sam Edwards called for Ethan. He said he had trouble getting through to your cell earlier and asked that you give him a call when you're able." He turned back to Aiden, "And Carolynn wanted you to know she's found a place." 

"Good," Aiden turned to leave.

"Aiden, wait. I have Rick Landon on the line. He says he needs to speak to you urgently."

Aiden continued down the hallway that led off the reception area, "I'll take it in my office." 

With that he dragged me along to a door to the right of hallway, just before the garden exit.

We entered a very impressive room, but I barely had time to take it all in before Aiden shut the door and pushed me up against it.

"Explain one thing to me, Ethan," he growled softly. "How is it that I find your closeness so damn addictive?"

I didn't get to answer, which was good, considering my brain had shut down for the time being. His lips fell upon mine, stealing my strength away. I opened to him without a second thought and wound my arms around his neck. His hands roamed down my back to my hips as his tongue delved into and explored my mouth. I rose up on my toes and tightened my embrace until our chests met and I heard him groan deep in his throat. I loved that I could get that reaction from him. 

His hands went to my butt and caressed and squeezed, till I found myself instinctively rubbing my erection on his thigh. He pulled me up against him and leaned down to bite my neck. His hardon pressed into my hip. I grazed my teeth along his earlobe and felt a shiver run through his whole body, licking him drew out the same reaction. His hands had just slipped into the back of my jeans and briefs, against my skin, when beeping of the phone on his desk tore our mouths apart.

The office was filled with the sound of our rapid breathing. 

I became very aware of the way his large hands were still possessively splayed over my butt cheeks, and gave him a gentle push, "Phone."

He pulled me towards his desk. When he sat down I was surprised that he pulled me onto his lap.

"Aiden..." It was supposed to come out as a warning, not a plea.

"Shh. You'll enjoy this."

I didn't have much strength anyway, so I leaned back against him and decided to savour the moment. He pressed connect on the phone then put the call on speaker.

"Rick, your timing is the pits. This better be phenomenal." He slipped a hand under my shirt and started rubbing my stomach in lazy circles.

Rick chuckled. "That can only mean one thing." Another chuckle, "Don't worry, I'll keep it short. I've just found out about a major auction that will be happening in a few days' time; it's an enclosed complex. We're talking forty two-bedroom cluster units and ten luxury units."

My breath hitched when Aiden fingertip dipped into my navel and that alone had my erection leaking in my underwear. He nuzzled his nose behind me ear then, licked me there. "Shh.." He whispered before going back to his call. "And where is property?"

"Johannesburg. In the Northcliff area. All the units are newly built, very nicely done; and 30 are already occupied, so income generation is well on its way."

I felt the buttons on my jeans pop one by one and focused on not moaning out loud. He made me stand and pushed my jeans and briefs down past my knees before pulling me back into his lap. He went back to licking my neck, then little bites followed. I knew there'd be new marks joining the one he'd given me at the club.

When he first touched my penis, my hips jumped and I couldn't help the gasp that slipped out. Luckily Rick didn't hear me.

"Why is it being auctioned, though? It sounds like a fantastic venture." 

How the hell was he keeping his voice that steady?

"It's this economy, man. The owners got themselves in tight financial corner; this is the only way out for them. Everything has to go. If you're interested, I'll need to organise the deposit as soon as possible -- clear some money so it'll be ready in time for the auction."

Aiden's warm fingers wrapped around my aching cock and squeezed gently, then harder.

He lifted his fingers to my lips. "Suck them." 

His soft breath was hot on my earlobe. I opened obediently, then licked and sucked like a newborn. I heard a sharp inhalation before he withdrew his fingers. I would have taken a moment to enjoy the small triumph were it not for the sudden jolt of having his wet fingers wrap around my hardon again. He slowly started stroking and my precum spread, smoothing the way for his touches. I felt his smile against my neck as my hips began helplessly thrusting.

"Sounds great, Rick. Email me everything you know so far, especially the numbers, and I'll let you know of my decision within the hour. I won't be able to go to Jo'burg next week, though."

"Are you sure? You'd only need to come on Monday-"

"No. I can't leave Plett for a while; I'm looking after someone." 

And, boy, was he wonderful at it! He cupped my balls and caressed the sacs, almost curiously, as if he were learning me. I'd never leaked this much precum - ever. His fingers glistened with it as he resumed his stroking. I felt like all of me was about to explode, not just my dick. I tossed my head back on his shoulder and pulled his other hand up to my pebbled nipples.

Rick was chuckling again. "Boy, you must have it really badly. Look, I'm sure we could have you out and back again in less than a day. How's that?"

"No." Aiden pinched at my nipple and bit down on my neck. My thrusts sped up with his strokes till I was nothing but a hot frenzy. His face lifted beside mine, his tone with Rick all control, "You'll have to step in for me."

"Alright, I can do that. Hope she's worth it, Montgomery."

"Trust me, he is. Later, bud." 

I vaguely made out Rick's surprised splutter before Aiden disconnected, but was way past caring. Way, way past. My heart was pumping in my cock, I could feel it. Whimpers were falling from my lips, as my legs spread wide and the frantic dance of my hips took me higher.

"That good, baby? You like that?"

"Aiden, I'm gonna come. I can't.. help it."

"Go ahead. Come for me, babe. You know, I never forgot the look on your face that first time. Your face in the light of the sunset. I want to see you again, baby. Let me see your beautiful face. Come for me." 

His words were my undoing. Seconds later I cried out as I spurted all over his hand and my stomach. He held me close through it, murmuring into my skin and kissing my neck.

He combed my hair back from my forehead and licked at the sweat beaded there, "Are you okay?"

I couldn't help the weak laugh that fell from my lips, "You bet."

I was surprised again when he lifted his wet hand to his lips and curiously tasted my semen. I watched for his reaction. 

"Not at all what I expected."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, babe, let's just say all of you tastes like strawberries. I like it." 

I blushed deeply at his ridiculous words.

He helped me back into my clothes then snuck me past the staff and out the back. I felt like a kid again, only better. I smiled at him as he unlocked the door to the house.

"What?"

"You still haven't told me what you meant by 'marking your territory'."

He swatted my butt with a grin before pulling me into the house. "Go keep busy, wise guy. Soak in the tub or something. I need to check my email then call Rick back. It might take a while."

* 

I felt great later, but I knew it had nothing to do with the soak in the tub. I went back downstairs to find him watching tv. His arms were stretched out across the back of the couch and one ankle rested on the opposite knee. He looked like a king.

I approached him with a smile when I saw what he was watching, "Pinky and the Brain, huh?"

He grinned up at me, "Don't you judge me. I needed something light after the Oprah episode I just watched."

I laughed outright, "Wow, you're really grabbing onto this gay thing with both hands, aren't you?"

"Hey. Watching Oprah does not determine my sexuality. She had an interesting interview with a woman who survived abuse and drug addiction and went on to become a major writer."

"Okay."

"And tomorrow she'll be checking out Gwyneth Paltrow's diet and exercise routine."

"Right."

"I am so gay."

"I know."

We laughed together, but I saw something in his eyes. Astonishment possibly? Aiden was connecting, bit by bit, with a part of himself he hadn't known existed. And I was here to witness it. I felt excited and humbled by the realisation. 

The doorbell rang, sweeping away the web of wonder linking us. Aiden went to check who it was. My palms went clammy at the thought that it might be Carolynn. Relief rose when I reminded myself that she wouldn't ring the bell, so it had to be someone else. How depressing the thought that, as Aiden's fiancée, that woman had more right to come and go in this house than I did.

Captain Anton Pretorius. He followed Aiden into the lounge and came to shake my hand. He was attempting to smile but this one did little to set me at ease in comparison to last time.

I stuffed my fists in my pockets, still facing him, "Captain. You have news? Do you know where Mark is?"

He scratched at the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable with whatever he had come to tell me, "I need to check something with you first. Do you own a black Audi Q7 with this registration number?"

He handed me his notepad and I glanced at it, "Yes, that's my car. I hardly ever drive it though. It's a fantastic car, but the thing's enormous..." /Stop babbling./

"Then the news isn't great, I'm afraid."

Aiden appeared by my side. He had to stop doing that when I got in trouble or I might grow to depend on it. "Just cut to the chase, Anton. What's going on?"

The captain nodded at Aiden, but quickly turned back to me, "A report came in from the Sea Point PD less than an hour ago. There was an explosion at your complex. None of the townhouses or tenants suffered in it, the device went off in the underground garage. I'm sorry to tell you your car was blown up."

I just stood there, my arms rigid, fists trembling in my pockets, "Blown up?"

"The bomb was attached magnetically to the underside of your car."

"Someone wants me... dead?" the words were like lead, heavy and foreign in my mouth.

"Not 'someone', fucking Reynolds!" Aiden was enraged, glaring at Captain Pretorius.

"We don't have proof of that yet," the captain told us calmly. "As for killing you, I don't think that was his intention. He could've set the device to be triggered by the door or pedals; or he could've used a tilt fuse. Those would've detonated when you got in or started driving the car."

"Fuck!" Aiden was pacing behind me.

"Instead he opted for a timer and detonator; it allowed him just enough time to get clear of the blast radius before he set it off. I think his aim was to scare you, not kill you."

"I... I can't believe this. Blown up?"

The captain eyed Aiden who was scowling ominously, "Ethan's in shock. Could you bring him something strong to drink?"

I didn't think the captain's words had penetrated Aiden's dark haze, but he nodded and went to the bar. Watching him do something normal helped me keep my grip on sanity.

Captain Pretorius continued talking, "We have footage from the security cameras, but the attacker wore a mask once inside the property, making it impossible to identify him. I am, however, led to believe that it was your ex for a number of reasons. This person was very familiar with the grounds and locations of most of the cameras. And he not only picked a time when most of the other tenants were out, but also the shift that had a new security guard manning the complex gate."

"So the man would have a more difficult time identifying him as Mark Reynolds to the police."

He nodded, "Yes. I was hoping you'd have a photo of him that we could show the man while everything's still fresh in his memory."

My shoulders were starting to ache. I dropped my head forward to stretch the back of my neck, "I got rid of all the photos, everything of his. I could look around for something that I might've missed," I hesitated, heart thrumming in a panic, "but I'd have to go back... there."

"No!" Aiden's interjection came out as a bark.

I lifted my head when he touched the back of my neck.

/How could his touch still be gentle when his tone was so harsh?/

My eyes burned and the ache in my shoulders had reached my upper back. I took the drink he offered and swallowed fast. Fire exploded in my throat and stomach. I grimaced at the imagery, eyes watering.

I handed the glass back to him, "I have to, Aiden. I'm tired of running from Mark; I have to help stop him if I can."

"Of course, I'd arrange a police escort to go with him," the captain added.

"I said no! Find another way, but sending Ethan into danger will never be an option."

I turned to the captain who shook his head sombrely, "We're caught in a catch-22 balls-up here. We need to prove that this was Reynolds in order to charge him with this. But we'll first need to prove he's done something wrong before we can search his place for that proof."

My stomach coiled, "He's winning."

"Bullshit," Aiden turned me towards him. His eyes looked like the sun was shining out from behind them. "We'll figure something out. That bastard has met his match -- he just doesn't know it yet."

"His match," I blinked then turned to the captain. "The website! He created a profile while he was still working for me years ago. I blocked him from my list of contacts ages ago, but that's not our only way of tracking him. If the account's still active, you'd be able find all the photos you need on there. You can search for his name and his profile should come up as a match."

"Excellent," Captain Pretorius grabbed his jacket and notepad. "I need to get right on this. I'll keep you posted on anything else that comes to light."

"Captain," he paused at the door and turned to me. "You're sure that no one was hurt?"

He nodded, "Like I said, he waited till there was practically no one there. There was one other car in the garage; the shrapnel got it fairly badly, but no people were harmed." 

I let out a shallow breath, "Okay."

He left.

Aiden put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. When I didn't resist, he pulled me towards him and wrapped strong arms around me.

*

~Aiden~

Ethan didn't leave for a few days after that and I was glad it was his automatic desire to stay. I wouldn't have let him out my sight anyway. 

I don't think he knew what day it was each time he woke up. He looked that numb.

I walked into his room each morning and ran a bath for him; then I'd have fresh clothes waiting for him on his made bed by the time he was done in the bathroom.

I served him food that Rachel sent up at the appropriate times and he always finished it, but without much reaction. I forced him to take walks with me down to the beachfront where I'd buy him an ice cream and we'd watch people walking their dogs or playing with their kids. Then we'd trudge back in silence and I'd sit with him while he napped.

We hardly ever talked but I liked the companionship we shared instead. Being quiet with him afforded me the chance to connect with him on a deeper level. I picked up on his moods within seconds of being around him; and learned to read his body language flawlessly. 

I hadn't cooked in years but vowed to start again when a light Thai chicken curry I made him one night made him smile. I went a little manic after that; pork-stuffed cannelloni; lamb chops with rosemary and mint; couscous, salads, stir fries -- name them, I made them. 

Ethan laughed till tears ran down his cheeks the day he saw me lugging in a dripping crate with live crayfish in it.

"What?" I huffed at him as I dashed on towards the kitchen sink.

"Nothing," he responded from a safe distance. He paused on his way out the kitchen, "Aiden?"

"Yeah?" I lifted the wary eye I had trained on my crate of crawling friends.

He looked shy, but there was something else as well. Something beautiful.

"Thank you," he smiled before padding through to the lounge.

I looked back at the crate then out the window, "You're welcome."

Ethan slowly came back to me over the span of that week. Anton reported that the security guard had positively identified Reynolds from the photos found online and investigators at the crime scene had managed to lift a couple sets of prints off a portions of one of the car's doors. Ethan gave Anton a sample of his prints so they could be compared to the lifted sets. Two didn't match. Reynolds had dug himself a really deep hole.

I was happy to see Ethan coming out of his shell again, but couldn't help worrying as well. I had purposely stayed away from the topic of our relationship because I knew he didn't need any more pressure. But as the days slipped by and Ethan grew more confident, I knew it'd be a matter of time before he spoke about leaving for Dan's again.

It was the last thing I wanted and resolved to talk him into staying. Carolynn was the wedge between us and I knew I had to clear things with her, kick her out once and for all, so Ethan could see that she meant nothing to me.

I called her and she agreed to meet me at the Montgomery. True to her word she arrived the following day, wearing an expensive dress and a smug grin. 




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 03



She found Ethan and I arguing playfully in the lounge. I'd noticed him eying the fireplace wistfully a few times and announced that we'd build a fire that night. He'd snorted and flat-out refused.

"Why not?" I challenged.

"Aiden it's the middle of December, for heaven's sake! I don't think cosy fires are the way to go at the height of summer."

"Oh, 'cosy' is such an understatement, dear," Carolynn's voice slithered in from behind us. Her eyes were trained on Ethan. "Aiden and I have made some utterly decadent memories before a number of fireplaces in our time. Not this one, though. Never got around to it."

My temperature rose, "Carolynn this is no longer your home. Next time you set foot on my premises, you're to announce yourself down at the Montgomery and wait for someone to notify me. Though I seriously doubt there'll be a next time."

"Don't be silly, Aiden. This is every bit my home, my place is by your side. If you'd let go of your hurt pride you'd admit that we belong together. It's why you called me here, is it not?"

"Think again."

"I should go," Ethan was already making his way to the door.

Not again. "No, Ethan. Carolynn is the one who isn't welcome here." I turned to face her, "I only asked you here because I wanted to be sure that you understood what I needed to say. I want you out permanently. I'll give you three more days to have your belongings removed. If you don't, I'll have Dan donate them to the nearest churches."

Her smile never wavered, "You wouldn't dare."

"Carolynn, the sight of you makes me sick. I can't wait to get you out my life. "

Ethan fidgeted, "This is a private matter. I'll give you two time alone."

"Oh, please," Carolynn scoffed at him. "You've spent about as much time as I have in his bed, so this makes you an equal partner in the wonderful news I have, dear."

Ethan blushed, shaking his head, "No. No, we don't-"

"Leave him alone, you bitch," I snarled. "Face facts and quit trying to drag innocent people down into your mess with you."

She circled Ethan, but addressed me, "It hurts that you'd refer to it as a mess, my darling, but that's alright. I understand that you need to be shown the full picture first -- then you'll be as happy as I am."

"What the hell are you on about, woman?"

Ethan was murmuring, "...leave now. I'll just leave so you-"

"I'm pregnant."

The triumph on Carolynn's face was outweighed only by the horror on Ethan's. 

/What the fuck just happened?/

"You're can't be," everything in me denied what she'd just said.

She sauntered over to me, ever the proud cat, "Oh, you know it's true, darling. Need I really count the last times we fucked-" out of the corner of my eye I saw Ethan wince, "-passionately and deliriously? Before our tiffs, naturally. I'm almost three months along. Isn't that the most superb news?"

When she reached me she wrapped her arms around my neck and planted a light kiss on my lips. I snapped out of my shock then and pushed her away.

My first thought was of Ethan. The horror was giving way to anguish and he was looking at me more and more as if I were a stranger. He was slipping away from me. I couldn't allow it, not after everything I'd done to get him this close.

"Ethan..."

"No," he put a hand up, pleading with me to keep my distance. He walked out but, thankfully, moments later I heard his footsteps thudding up the stairs. All was not lost, not yet.

"You know, this is not the reaction I was hoping for at all. I understand your reluctance to break out the champagne, what with my condition and all, but seriously darling, a kiss wouldn't hurt."

I wanted to wrap my hands around her throat and squeeze till she stopped saying these things. "Why are you doing this?"

She touched my cheek, "I'm not doing anything, darling. We did this together. Once it's sunken in I know you'll be happy, you just need time to adjust, that's all. We belong together, Aiden. How many times have I told you this? Now you can see for yourself how right I've been."

I pulled away when I heard Ethan coming back down the stairs. I made it to the foyer in time to see him carrying a bag towards the front door.

"Ethan, could we talk about this first," I tried desperately.

He stopped a few steps away, "I haven't managed to pack everything. I'd appreciate if you could have the rest of my stuff sent over to Dan's place. I'm certain they won't mind letting me crash on their couch until I can work something else out."

He opened the door and left without ever looking back.



I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 04



###########
~Dark Dawn~
########### 

I woke up with a headache. Daily. I didn't even have the energy to go running or surfing. Each morning it felt as if thick shards of glass were lodged in my skull. I was grateful, though. It was the perfect distraction from the heavy pain in my chest.

How had everything fallen apart so fast?

A few weeks ago I'd faced my biggest epiphany ever when I opened my door to find Ethan smiling at me. I was a new man, different yet the same. Ethan had helped me uncover something deep and valuable within me; he'd shown me what fulfillment felt like. 

And now he was gone.

I saw little of Carolynn and wasn't sure if that was by luck or design on her part. Either way I didn't care. Finding out she was pregnant would've made me the happiest man breathing... a year ago.

I'd always known I wanted to be a father one day. But any conscious thought of children had been buried when the problems between Carolynn and I had started. I couldn't look her in the eyes without seeing the demon she truly was, slithering beneath her polished veneer. And now I had to face a future tied to her forever? 

The part of me that wanted kids was the same part that wanted Ethan. It's the same part that's protective of my parents and the rest of my family. Carolynn had no place in that.

But our child did.

Carolynn had every reason to gloat. She had me exactly where she wanted me and she knew that. There was no way I could ever turn my back on my own child and deny him or her a chance at the type of childhood I'd had. My child's happiness had to come first. 

So Carolynn stayed. I went out for the day when she called Dan to help her unpack her stored things. I simply couldn't watch that. The only line I still drew was at allowing her into the master suite. I'd share parenting with her, but not my bed.

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

"Eat something, Ethan."

I remembered to take another bite every time Dan passed a gentle order my way. Halfway through my meal my mind switched off again and I didn't notice Peter taking my plate away. 

Dan's instructions have gotten me through the days since... since. I'd been going from Dan's couch to the bathroom and back again. Peter fed me and Dan flicked through the tv channels when we all sat together in the evenings. I did nothing, said nothing, saw nothing.

I could feel Dan and Peter's concern like a thick blanket around me. I knew my withdrawal had to be scaring them but still couldn't muster the energy to tell them I was fine. I'd spent my whole life cutting myself off from others as a defense mechanism. Going back to that place was like revisiting an old fear: repulsive but familiar.

My dark pit wasn't entirely the same, though. I'd ventured out and connected with more people than I'd ever allowed in before. I'd fallen in love. Creeping back into my cave and trying to pretend sunlight doesn't exist was proving impossible with the beach just outside my window.

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

~Aiden~

I found Carolynn leafing through a baby magazine in the back garden. She was stretched out on a sun lounger in a one-piece swimsuit and a see-through kaftan. She looked like a model in a perfume ad, not a mother-to-be.

I stood over her, scowling down at her flawless nails and waxed legs. "Aren't you supposed to see a doctor for a check-up or something?"

She pushed her oversized sunglasses up into her hair and leaned forward, "Yes, tomorrow. Did you know that it's possible to find out the baby's sex after the first trimester? How exciting. What do you think? Would you like to know or would you prefer a surprise?"

I shrugged, "Whatever you want is fine. I just wanted to let you know that I'll take you myself."

"Why?"

"No matter how we feel about each other, our child will always be my first priority. So, what time is your appointment? I'll take you, to this one and every appointment after."

She squinted up at me a few seconds longer before leaning back again, "No, I don't think so."

"Why the hell not?"

She frowned back at me, "Look at you, Aiden. You're walking around with so much resentment and pent-up anger and, for some reason, you're directing it all at me. I want you to be a part of our baby's life more than anything, but I cannot allow you to stress me out right now." She stood up, re-cinching the wide belt of her kaftan, "I'm doing this to protect myself and my child. Until I feel I can trust you around me and the baby, I will not have you at these appointments."

She brushed past me, heading into the house. I simply stood there, trembling tensely and staring down at the pages of the forgotten magazine as they flapped in the breeze.

*

Melanie and Kyle phoned me about five times the next morning during their trip back to Plettenberg Bay. Each time they reported how much closer they were and what naughty jokes Gram-Gram was telling them to keep them occupied. 

They arrived around lunchtime, laughing and tossing their bags about the foyer. My parents asked for iced tea over Melanie excitedly describing the elephants and rhino at the game park. Chris kept correcting her whenever her recollections bordered on the fantastical; while my granddad did his best to censor the jokes Gram was still telling Kyle.

Within minutes of their arrival, it struck me how quiet and lonely the house had been. There'd been no laughter or easy conversation in here for days. Most of all, the place felt cold without Ethan in it.

I missed him.

His constant clacking on that laptop of his and the quiet conversations with advertisers; his sceptical questions about the food I was cooking; his long list of reasons why it wasn't the best time for him to attempt surfing. We'd spent enough time together for me to know it was nowhere near enough. I wanted him back in my house and my arms – but I also knew that he deserved a far better life than the mess I currently had to offer him.

A year ago I would've been thrilled at the thought of a baby on the way. Now it felt like it was the one thing keeping me from being happy. I gave myself a mental shake, feeling guilty. Not the baby. Carolynn.

She chose that moment to come downstairs, instantly killing the happy mood.

/Speak of the devil.../

All strands of conversation froze in mid air and dropped to the floor, shattering into surprise and confusion. Everybody was looking at me with questions in their eyes. Even the kids seemed surprised to see her.

"Kyle," Mike's radar was flashing code red, "why don't you take your sister down to the guesthouse for lunch today?"

"Why?"

"Because my word is law in your universe."

"Can we sit in the restaurant and order from a waiter and everything?" Melanie asked.

"Sure, why not."

"Yes!" She started shoving her brother out the door, "Let's go tell Rachel!"

Once the door slammed behind them, I decided to dive straight into the muck. In the lounge I waited till everyone was seated and got straight to the news of the baby. I gave it to them without frills, aware that they could clearly see how unhappy I was with every word I shared.

"...and, for the time being, I've allowed Carolynn to move back into one of the guestrooms. Of course, that will just be until-"

"What Aiden is trying to say, in his stuffy old way, is Christmas is a time for family to share love – and what better way of doing so, than by celebrating this precious gift we're about to receive? Isn't that so, darling?" Beside me, Carolynn tried to take my hand, but quickly gave up when she noted my glare.

"Not even close," my distaste was rising to meet my anger.

My family, through our stilted announcement, remained frozen. They were all shocked and noticeably awkward. My dad and brother eventually murmured their congratulations, but my grandparents couldn't find much to say. Mike just gaped at Carolynn.

I could see why. 

Today Carolynn had picked a tiny pink sundress and high-heeled sandals for the day. The outfit was more straps along the back than dress and that, along with the make-up she'd piled on, made her look anything but motherly.

Carolynn was the only one in the room showing little unease. She sneered triumphantly but made damned sure to keep her distance from the dark tension rolling off me. When no one else had anything to add she mentioned her appointment then went looking for her designer bag.

I followed her.

"You can't keep me out of this pregnancy, Carolynn."

She grabbed her bag in the kitchen and spun around, "Is that what you think I want? There's nothing I want more than for us to be together, but you need to work through all this aggression of yours and show me that you as committed to this family as I am. It's the only way I'll be able to trust you with my heart and child."

My laugh was bitter, "I need to earn your trust? You really are insane. And what more could I possibly do to show that I'll be here for my child? I've allowed you to move back in here, haven't I?"

She reached out and touched her fingertips to my chest, "It's a good start, darling, but nothing says 'committed' like a marriage proposal and that's what I want."

I slapped her hand away sharply, "Never."

"Come now, darling. I'm only thinking of our child's wellbeing. We need to provide a secure and loving home for our precious little gift. The sooner you start acting like a committed father, the sooner we can move on with our life together."

She slung her bag over her shoulder and walked out.

I gripped the edge of the cooking island and hung my head.

"You not seriously reconsidering marrying her, are you?" Mike came to stand beside me.

"Well, what do you suggest I do? Everything has changed."

"What about Ethan?"

"What about him?" I threw back.

"Aiden, you don't love Carolynn."

"I have a child to think of, Michaela!"

She placed a hand on my back and stroked in slow circles.

*

~Ethan~

I was focusing all my energy, silently willing my phone to ring. 

Aiden hadn't once tried to contact me since I'd left his house two days ago and, quite frankly, I didn't blame him. It's a wonder that he hadn't tired sooner of my flightiness. Since rediscovering him I'd spent priceless time playing devil's advocate, uncovering and proclaiming reasons why we shouldn't be together. And now Carolynn had arrived with the one reason why he should be with her, a reason I had no way of beating.

Having said that, I still couldn't help missing him. I missed his arms around me and the way he'd do little things for me before I even realised I needed them done. I'd never had that before. And just as I was getting accustomed to the idea of deserving a love that wonderful, it was all taken from me.

Dan snuck up on me, "Out with it."

I jumped, "What? Out with what?"

"Anything," he replied. "You need to talk and I'm here to listen. So start at the beginning and don't skip the juicy bits."

I hadn't thought that I was ready to talk about it but I started with the easy parts and once they were out it was like floodgates had been opened. I told him everything, almost as surprised as he was by chapters of it. How was this my story?

Dan could have been a therapist, he took my crazy story that well. It was mainly the parts to do with Carolynn that made him raise his eyebrow with a look of disbelief. I answered the questions that I could and frowned at the ones that I couldn't. I reconfirmed my feelings for Aiden and tried to look stern when he kept asking me about our sexual encounters. I shrugged when he asked me about Aiden's feelings for me and again when he wanted to know what would happen next.

"And therein lies the problem," he announced.

"Huh?"

"You two need to get back to basics. Sit down with him and talk through everything. You've never really done that and no progress can ever come of avoiding it. Things may look bloody complicated right now, but they can only get worse if you never find out how he feels or tell him what you need."

"Damn..." I whispered.

Dan grinned on his way out, "I know, right? And to think, I've always been this brilliant."

My phone rang at the very moment I cursed it and decided to unearth my yoga mat. I froze and stared at it. Peter stuck his head through the door to find me wide-eyed. He looked at me then the ringing phone before shrugging and returning to the kitchen. I grabbed it with clammy hands.

The name flashing on the screen was not the one I'd hoped for. "Sam, I've been meaning to call you."

"Right," came my friend's snippy response. "Well, try harder from now on, sugar. There's a psycho baboon on the loose somewhere and I like knowing he hasn't gotten his hands on you yet."

"Sorry, Sam."

"You sound funny."

"Thanks for the heads-up," I flopped back down onto the couch. "I'll be sure to sign up for amateur night at the first comedy club I find."

A heavy sigh, "You know what I mean."

"I do. Sorry."

"Are you sure you're still doing okay out there, sugar? I worry about you. No man is worth all this drama, no matter how hot he is. And no straight man is worth any drama."

"He's not straight."

"What?!"

It's always the shortest statements that stir up the most chaos, the ones difficult to whisper even in the dark. Tiny bombs like: 'I'm gay'... 'I love you'... 'I'm pregnant'...

"He's not straight," I repeated, noting how much stronger my voice sounded the second time. Trust me to start believing in Aiden and me when it was too late to do anything about it. "And he's not the reason I'm upset. No, I lie; he is part of the reason. But it's mostly Mark this time."

I shut the door on talking about Aiden and... Instead I told Sam about Mark's latest insanity. A ripple of anger flowed through me at the thought of pain he'd caused me in the years I'd known him - and the pain he'd narrowly avoided causing others with his latest stunt. I was startled by Sam's reaction.

"Shit." Sam almost never cursed. "I'd been trying to reach you because I thought I had a way of helping you but, from the sound of things, you're definitely better off where you are."

"Help me how?" I asked.

He mentioned a professor of ours that we'd remained in touch with since varsity. He was going on sabbatical and looking for someone to sign a six-month lease on his house in Rosebank. I hadn't seriously weighed up returning to Cape Town, but knowing I'd have a place to go to made me feel positive. Once Mark was arrested I'd need a place to stay until I knew where I'd be moving. There was no way I would ever feel at home in my old place again.

"Stay where you are for as long as it takes," Sam ordered, as if reading me. "Going back to the city right now would just be tempting fate."

"Weren't you the one trying to get me away from Aiden at all costs?"

"I'd rather see you in his clutches than that maniac's any day, sugar. Or with me. What are the chances of you coming up to spend Christmas with me?"

"So, you think Aiden's hot, huh?" I teased with a smile, purposefully avoiding his question.

Another sigh, "Anyone with a functioning eyeball or two would come to that conclusion. Happy? Now, how about Christmas together?"

"I don't know, maybe. I'll have to get back to you."

By the time we hung up, I felt a little more myself. I was hurting but I wasn't out for the count.

"See, I told you he still remembers how to work a cell phone," Dan announced from behind me. He and Peter were watching me carefully. "He answered it and had an entire conversation and everything."

I smiled. I had friends, more than I'd ever had and that alone was a reason to kick back when Life tries to trip me up.

Dan grinned back, "We're going out."

"Okay, have fun."

"No, bright spark, we're taking You out. You need to have a little fun."

I was shaking my head when I looked up to see Peter nodding, "You need some sun, Ethan. You're starting to look as bad as Dan's peacock."

Dan swatted him, "Hey!"

*

We made the mistake of leaving the choice of outdoor activity up to Peter. That is how we found ourselves trudging through the park on our way to the putt-putt course. Dan was trying to talk Peter out of his choice but he was having none of it.

I was watching the two of them argue - which was how I didn't see Melanie until she collided with me, wrapping skinny arms around my waist. Kyle was with her and he hugged me too, albeit with slightly more control.

"You're here!" Melanie squealed. "I asked my uncle if you were coming to our picnic and he said you couldn't make it. But I hoped you would anyway. This is the best surprise!"

Very true. I'd spent so little time with her when we'd met the last thing I expected was to be greeted like I was Santa in the flesh. Kyle was eying Peter, Dan and I and had clearly figured out I'd had no intention of coming to their picnic.

Then Dan opened his big mouth, "Yeah, Ethan, great surprise. Now go enjoy the picnic and I'll give you a call later."

I gaped at him as he walked away, pulling a grinning Peter along behind him.

Melanie grabbed my hand, directing me towards the large trees at the far end of the park and telling me muddled versions of jokes no seven-year-old should know. 

"You're better than her, you know," Kyle said solemnly from my other side.

"Better than whom?"

He looked up patiently, "Carolynn. When she says she loves my uncle she looks like she's putting on a show. You don't even have to say it and I already know you love him more."

I froze in my tracks, "No. No, uh... Huh? How do you know that I uh..?"

He huffed, "It's so obvious, dude. Man, it's gross."

Awesome. I'd stumbled into a conversation with an anti-gay eleven-year-old, "Gross, huh?"

"Totally. You're two are as bad as my parents, always looking at each other funny and trying to get close so you can touch. Man, I'm never falling in love."

Melanie tugged at my hand and we resumed our walk. I aimed for confident denial but my laugh came out shaky, "No, we don't."

He looked up at me like arguing with me would be no more than a waste of his energy, "You should see the house now; it's like one giant booby trap. Everywhere I go I find someone looking at someone else with googly eyes, even Gram-Gram and Pops. The same way my uncle looks at you. I had no clue he's gay, hey. That was hectic." 

Melanie bounced in front of us, "Which uncle? Uncle Aiden? You and uncle Aiden are GAY?"

Shit.

Kyle, showing considerably less concern, continued kicking pebbles as he walked, "You knew about it, Melon. That's what mom and dad were going on and on about when they had that talk with us."

"Uh uh," she denied, wagging a finger with a Goofy bandaid on it at him, "Mommy said all love is beautiful and... and stuff. No one said Ethan and uncle Aiden are-"

My heart was going to explode.

"You don't even know what 'gay' means, Melon." Kyle cut in. 

"Yes, I do. My friend, Zoe, from school has two mommies – Mrs and Mrs Louw!" she giggled. "And there are two other kids who each have two daddies. They're gay! Is that what everyone was talking about in the study? You said you'd tell me if I didn't tell Mommy you were listening at the door."

Kyle looked away, "I wasn't spying."

"Oh, yes you were! So that's what Daddy was going on about when he was jumbling up his words during our talk? Why didn't he just say so? All that stuff about our uncle is still our uncle was silly. Of course he's our uncle! Are you going to be like my new uncle, Ethan?"

"Huh?"

I spotted Aiden and his family in the shade of some of the larger trees. The conversation would be over soon, thank goodness.

"Are you going to marry my uncle Aiden?"

She said it just as we reached the others and they all gawked at us. Double shit.

"Hi," I lifted a hand in awkward greeting.

"Hey," they responded in unison, waving back.

Chris, the master of distraction, gave the kids money and set them loose. They vanished in a puff of dust and reappeared seconds later at a nearby snack stand. Aiden shifted so I could sit beside him. He looked at me like he hadn't seen me in years, making me look away self-consciously. No wonder Kyle had figured us out so quickly. 




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 04



Mike's face was lit up by her smile and Greg looked like he knew a secret he couldn't wait to share. I didn't understand what was going on with them so I trained my eyes on Aiden's grandparents taking a walk down by the pond.

"So, Ethan, Aiden tells me you live in Cape Town," Greg said in a way that told me he wanted to know more.

So I told him about my family, skipping the nasty bits about my father. I spoke about my studies at varsity and the website. Gwen's eyes went huge at that. I don't know why she was so impressed; having money hadn't solved many of my problems. It had only helped ensure I could take care of myself once my last family member turned his back on me.

Aiden's family asked me many questions about myself and I wondered at the unexpected attention but I shared nonetheless. Then Gwen insisted on divulging stories from her sons' childhood, ignoring their protests. I ended up enjoying the time I spent with all of them but did find myself occasionally wondering what had become of Carolynn. Did Aiden's family know about the baby? And why weren't they acknowledging his fiancée's return?

Aiden's arm kept brushing against mine, sending an unsettling heat through me. He said little but watched me intensely. Looking directly at him was almost too much to take, so I fidgeted and inhaled sharply every time we touched. It got to the point where holding up my end of the conversation with Gwen became near impossible.

The breeze suddenly switched direction and whipped my hair into my eyes. Aiden brushed it back before I could react. I froze, my eyes immediately flitting to his parents. Gwen was staring at us. When she realised I was looking back at her, she smiled and offered me something to drink. Greg didn't blow up. Instead he grinned at us before strolling down to the pond to call his parents up for lunch. When they all returned, Karin sat down next to her daughter and, again, I marveled at how alike they looked.

"It's just in the way they look, you know," Shaun said beside me. "They're personalities are as different as night and day. It's amazing that they get along so well."

I was surprised that he'd read my mind so easily and he smiled at my expression, "We lost our own daughter when she was just seventeen – Natasha. Gaining Gwen a few years later was like a second chance. Another daughter. We might not know a lot and be too old to learn much more, but one thing I'm certain of is that joy was made to be grabbed with both hands."

He didn't say much after that, but the little he had shared made me really like him and set me at ease with the rest of his family. The Montgomerys were never hesitant when it came to sharing love. I stifled the silent wish for them to be my family.

Gwen unpacked the food while Greg set off one more time to fetch the kids. When Mike asked me what I'd like for lunch, Aiden took the empty plate from her and loaded it with food before handing it to me and then getting one for himself. I focused on my potato salad to avoid Mike's knowing smugness.

Lunch passed in an energised blur. I'd never known family life could be like this, with all the laughing and hugging and running around. My home had been much quieter, even when my mother had still been alive. It made me envy all the fun and attention Aiden must have gotten growing up. 

After lunch Kyle called me join him in tossing a Frisbee along with his father and grandparents. I think Melanie joined the game, but couldn't be sure since she spent as much time chasing butterflies as she did the Frisbee. Gwen and Greg soon blew me away with their agility. It wasn't the most taxing match, yet I still managed to embarrass myself somehow. Kyle and his dad laughed good-naturedly at my hopeless fumbling. I gave it twenty minute before admitting defeat and slinking back to Aiden and Mike. They didn't notice my approach, so engrossed were they in their discussion.

"Why won't you let this go?" Aiden hissed at his sister.

"Because you're pushing him away and I can see that it's killing you."

"You make it sound like keeping him is an option, Michaela."

"It is if you make it one. You won't find this feeling with anyone else, bro. Be sure that you make the right decision for You; forever is a long time to carry regret."

"I know. That is why I can never let anything - or anyone - take precedence over my child. I could never live with being anything less than the best father I can be."

I cleared my throat behind them, "I'll just... Thanks for having me over; and tell the kids I said bye."

Aiden's head dropped when he realised I'd heard every word he'd said. I could see him trying to find the words – to make me stay, or feel better, I don't know – so I walked away before he could say anything. I was in the way; I'd gathered that much from what I'd heard him telling Mike. There was nothing else I needed to hear.

"Ethan!" 

I was thankful that it was Michaela's voice and not Aiden's. I couldn't trust myself not to stop if he asked me to. Moments later I allowed myself to wordlessly admit that I wished it had been his voice instead.

*

~Aiden~

I was glaring at the decorated tree that was mocking me from the corner of my living room. Two days till Christmas and I felt like crap.

"That wall would look incredible with a big mirror on it," my granddad was beside me pointing at the wall next to the fireplace.

I frowned, "How big exactly?"

He paused thoughtfully, "You're right. Medium-sized ones would be better; nine of them should cover that area nicely. And a few more for the other walls would create a sense of flow."

"No, Gramps."

"I'm telling you it'll make this room look bigger."

"This room is enormous, Gramps. The mirrors would do no more than turn it into an inverted disco ball."

He eyed me sharply, dropping his tone a notch, "What you waiting around for? Why haven't you gone to get him yet?"

I felt lightning stab through my chest, "What are you talking about?"

He shook his head, "Don't play dumb with me, boy. Blind bats could see what's going on here. All the happiness you've ever wanted is yours for the taking and you're wasting time here with me. You've had it too easy, boy. Your whole life, things always just fell into place for you. So you don't know how to push back now that you need to."

That irritated me, "I would hardly call battling my way through a university course I hated easy."

"Architecture led you to putting this place together and I remember seeing you looking happier than Kyle on chocolate when you first opened those doors for business."

"Well, what about Carolynn?" I ground out. "She's putting me through hell."

He was unfazed, "No, she's not. She's carrying your child. She can't force you to do anything else, certainly not give up that young man of yours."

"You just don't understand what it's like..."

His eyes blazed into mine, as green and determined as I'd ever seen them, "Oh, I understand. I understand what it's like to survive a war, financial ruin and the loss of a child. I understand what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night with a boulder of fear on your chest. I also understand part of being a man means digging in for that last reserve of strength for as long as there's anything worth fighting for. Anything." He gripped my shoulder, "And there's always something worth fighting for, boy."

I stared back. This was the last topic I would ever have expected my grandfather to be advising me on. Was he right? Was I giving up too easily? 

How much consideration had I given to what this must be doing to Ethan? He'd tolerated my indecisiveness, letting me take what I wanted when I wanted it, without once complaining about what it had to have been costing him emotionally. My grandfather was right. I'd been selfish and had buckled at the first real obstacle that had come my way. And I was only seeing that now.

I shook my head wearily, "I think I might be too late, though, Gramps."

He gave me a long look before simply turning back to studying the living room, "What do you think of an indoor fountain then, if you hate the idea of the mirrors so much?"

*

"Mmm, now rub a little lower."

I poured more of the oil into my palm and moved down to Carolynn's lower stomach muscles. She was lying on a towel on her bed, wearing little more than skimpy pyjamas with the top pulled up. She purred a little louder the second time then cracked an eye open. 

I met her gaze detachedly, "Are we done yet? What I have to say to you is important."

Her smile wilted, "We can talk right now, darling. You don't have to stop. I'm told the vitamin E in the oil will help prevent stretchmarks once my belly starts growing."

"And when will that be? You're still looking exactly the same."

"Oh, I don't know. Some women show early on and others barely form much of a bump in the whole nine months. We'll just have to wait and see."

My hands slowed, "And how long until the baby starts moving?"

"I don't know, Aiden," she snapped then quickly calmed herself. "This is what you wanted to talk to me about? Baby's development, A to Z?"

"No," I answered calmly. "I've just been doing some thinking and have made a couple decisions."

"Like?"

"You were right about me not stressing you out and needing to be committed to our child. So I want you to know I'll be working a little harder on that."

She relaxed deeper into the pillows, glowing with pleasure, "Really? I'm so happy to hear that you're finally seeing sense. I knew you'd come around once I showed you how happy we could be."

My hands stilled, "There's one more thing."

Carolynn groaned, "Don't stop, darling, this is heaven..."

I removed my hands completely, "Then I'll be happy to book a massage therapist for you whenever you need one."

Her eyes darkened, "It's your touch I miss. It's been so long since you've touched me at all."

"And it's about to get longer still – make that never. My second decision is that I'm going to ask Ethan to move back in. And I want you out."

She shot into an upright position at that, "What?! Why?"

"I want to be with him, I always have. Of course, we'll need to work something out first. I'd be happy to find you a place to stay, somewhere nearby so I can still take care of you until our baby is born. And we'll need to discuss a shared custody plan as soon as possible so that-"

"Are you insane?!?" she shrieked. "Are you completely out of your mind?!"

I held her by her arms to still her, "Calm yourself, Carolynn. You knew how I felt-"

"What I know is that you love me! Me, Aiden, it has always been me!"

"No," I told her. "Ethan-"

She pulled herself free, "Don't you say his name to me. So you think I'm just going to let you start a cosy life your little fairy princess and then what? I give birth and just hand over our child to you two? OUR child?!"

Fury was rising within me and I stood up so I could put some distance between us, "I was hoping you'd want the best for everyone involved, damn it."

"The best for you and your lover you mean?" She sneered, "And what happens when you tire of this novelty? What are you going to experiment with next? I'm supposed to welcome each new conquest you invite to your bed, is that it? I'm supposed to allow countless strangers to march in and out of my child's life?"

"There won't be anyone else after Ethan!" I roared back. "I have already wasted five fucking years denying my feelings - and that is going to stop Right Now! I will not let him go! So I expect you to quit the bloody whining and help me plan an acceptable arrangement before I give in to the temptation to wring your neck – Gods!!"

Carolynn was pressed back against her pillows, eying me fearfully. I was panting heavily, glaring at her with my fists clenched. I forced the red haze to recede to that I could speak calmly again, "The stupidest choice I made was deciding to do things your way. You want more than I could ever give you and it was wrong of me to let you think otherwise. What you want from me isn't mine to give; I gave myself to someone else a long time ago. Ethan. From now on, it's Ethan and my child in equal measures. I will fight for them, without question and without restraint. So I'd advise you to think carefully before you threaten my relationship with either one again. Understood?"

She nodded quickly. I assessed her a moment longer before nodding back and leaving the room.

*

That afternoon, Dan was standing in my foyer smiling at me.

"We need to talk," he stated. 

Those words will be the death of me.

"In private," he added when he noticed me casting a glance towards the kitchen where Carolynn stood studying the covers of four different birth videos. She'd come downstairs around lunch time. After a cautious smile my way she'd gone about her business as if our earlier explosion hadn't happened.

"Privately?" I grumbled.

My niece and nephew were in the lounge, working on a large puzzle and the rest of my family were teeming around upstairs.

"Let's go down to my office," I offered.

I grimly noted the bounce in his step as we headed to the Montgomery. Anyone else would be sceptical as to how serious Dan's news was, judging by his carefree behaviour. His head was held high and his raised eyebrow made him look like he was constantly considering mischief. But I'd known him for a long time and well enough to hear him out. We entered my office in the Montgomery and I shut the door behind me.

He barely gave me enough time to reach my chair before asking, "What are you feelings for Ethan?"

"Excuse me?"

"Ethan. Do you love him?"

I schooled my features so he wouldn't know how my heart raced, "I don't see how that's anyone's business but mine and Ethan's."

He wasn't shaken, "Great theory, boss. I believed it myself until today, until the pain you two are in left me with some serious doubts. Now, how do you feel about Ethan?"

"I don't know."

"Sure you do."

I stood immediately, annoyance taking hold, "What the hell do you know about how I feel?"

He leaned back in his chair, calmly watching me, "I realised I was gay after years of not seeing it, just like you. I had to come out to everyone I love, just like you. I also had to recognise the man I'd fallen in love with; offer him my heart; and hope for the best," his eyes narrowed at me. "Just like you."

I didn't know what to say to him.

His slight smile reappeared, more sympathetic this time, "I was luckier than you, though. I didn't have to do it all at the same time the way you are. You do know the way you feel is pretty obvious, right? Not saying it doesn't make it any less real."

Ah hell. I rubbed my eyes, "I need to see him, Dan. Can I come over to your place to talk to him?"

"You'll have to ask Ethan that," he answered softly, "once we're done talking here."

I dropped back into my chair, "What more could there be?" 

"A few weeks ago I was up at the house, packing some of Carolynn's things."

"All of Carolynn's things," I stressed, nodding. "I remember."

He straightened in his seat, "Well, while I was busy, I came across a stack of mail. Some of it was Carolynn's, the rest was some promotional junk addressed to the Montgomery. I sorted through it."

"And?"

He pressed his lips together before continuing with caution, "Most of Carolynn's stuff was opened receipts, mainly from shopping trips in the city. At the time I just bundled them together and locked them in the general office down here, in case she wanted them. But I recently found out something that made me think one of those receipts would interest you very much. So I fetched it this afternoon."

He stood to pull a piece of paper out of his back pocket and handed it to me. I studied it with a confused scowl, scanning over the details. 

Nothing popped out at me so I looked up questioningly, "I don't get it. She went to the pharmacy and bought three Nordettes, so what?"

"That's a three-month supply of Nordette, actually, and that receipt is dated almost three months ago, meaning she hasn't run out yet," Dan replied. He noticed my silence, "I suppose it's no surprise that the product isn't familiar. The only reason I recognised the name is because Pete's sister won't shut up about how it's the only contraceptive that hasn't made her gain weight or break out in acne."

My heart thudded. My brain froze but my heart was in frenzy, "Contraceptive?"

Dan nodded, "So, you understand my confusion when Ethan told me that Carolynn is-"

"She's pregnant," I shook my head. "Carolynn is... She told me so... right before she moved back into my bloody house."

"You've spoken to her doctor?" he asked. "Or been for that scan-thing?"

Shaking my head didn't make my brain catch up any faster, "She didn't want me at the ultrasound appointment. She said... No. No, this can't be true."

I flipped through the directory on my desk before picking up the phone and dialing.

It only rang twice, "Doctor Carlton's office, good day." 

Five minutes later my hands were shaking so much I couldn't replace the receiver. Dan took it from me and hung up, "Boss?"

"I'm going to tear her throat out!"

I was out the Montgomery and racing through the enclosed garden before Dan had much time to grasp my goal. A fucking inferno pulsed in my stomach, fueling the murderous intent in my heart.

I banged the front door open and headed straight for the kitchen, nearly knocking Mike over. I don't know what I looked like but judging by the shock on my sister's face I'd say brutal would be a good guess.

"Where is she?! WHERE IS SHE?!?!"

"Who?"

"Where the fuck is that heartless BITCH?!" I went to check the verandah.

My mother appeared, her face matching Mike's. Mike grabbed her hands to get her attention, "Get the ki- Mom! Get the kids and take them down to the guesthouse. I'll take care of him. Send Dad in here and go. Now!"

The backyard was deserted so I turned back inside. The front door shut behind my mom and the kids; and just in too time because I stampeded through to the living and dining rooms next. 

"Aiden, wait!" Mike grabbed me from behind but I pushed on, barely feeling her, "Stop! Aiden, what's going on?! Chris! Greg!"

My father and brother came rushing down the stairs but, unfortunately for them, Carolynn was ahead of them.

"YOU!!" I didn't get to do much more than point at her before the two men stormed forward and grabbed a firm hold of me. Mike let go then, looking a complete wreck.

Carolynn took a step back, then another, "Darling, what are you-"

"You lying snake! How long did you think you could hide this from me?"

"I don't- I don't know what you're-"

"Don't even TRY that one!!"

Her face paled in the same moment her back connected with the wall, trapping her, "Aiden, wait, just wait... Don't you see? This was for us."

"There is no US! When I get my hands on you..." I lunged forward, fighting to break free, but my family held me resolutely, "There's no us-"

"Aiden, son, you have to-"

"-and there's no baby! There's no baby, is there?" I felt my brother and father halt, still gripping me, "No baby, Carolynn! At least, according to Dr Carlton who, not only gave you a contraceptive prescription a few months ago, but also gave you a new one after your checkup THIS FUCKING WEEK!!"

"He had no right... that's private information!"

"I'm going to snap her neck," I snarled but, again, my family restrained me.

"Aiden, how can you understand if you're not thinking clearly?" Carolynn appeared to be gathering herself, "It was for us, for you. That... man was nothing more than a distraction and I needed you to concentrate on our relationship."

"You made me lose everything," the realisation weighed me down, sapping my strength. "You stole it away before I ever really had it."




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 04



"No, darling," she had the gall to smile. "I was simply showing you everything you could have with me, everything he could never give you. I know I shouldn't have hurt you like that, but it was the only way to get you to focus on where you need to be. I lied, but all is not lost. We can have a real baby together any time we want. Ethan could never have made you as happy as I can."

"You've seen what your return has done to Aiden and you thought that was happiness?" Mike asked from beside me.

Carolynn's eyes stayed locked on mine, "I needed a chance to make you love me again. You loved me before, so why not again?"

"That's just it," I shot back. "I never loved you. What we had was... convenient - until you destroyed it. But Ethan... I've never felt that way for you."

"You don't love him."

Her calm statement was the final offense. I wrenched free, pushing past my brother and rushing forward, but when I reached her I couldn't bring myself to touch her. I knew I'd break her in half. Instead I swiveled around and grabbed a small sculpture off a side table, throwing it with all my might. My grandparents must've been standing halfway up the stairs all along because I heard Gram let out a short scream when the sculpture crashed through a window.

I faced Carolynn again, struggling to control my breathing, "Out. I want you out - IMMEDIATELY. Right now! And I'm getting rid of EVERYTHING you leave behind."

She was shaking her head, "You can't turn me away; you can't reject me. Do you have any idea how many men would kill for the love I've given you? Besides, you don't love that man. It's me; it has always been me. It's always-"

"You stupid, little..." Michaela strode forward with determination. All her weight was behind her fist when connected it with Carolynn's face, "FUCK!"

Carolynn crumpled but Michaela continued ranting, "How did no one ever tell me how much that HURTS?! Oh thunder on a stick, my hand-"

Chris pulled her to him, "You never struck us as the brawling type, sweetheart. How're you feeling?"

I reached for her too, stunned, "How's that hand?"

"Fantastic and fantastic," she half-grinned half-grimaced at both of us. She looked down at Carolynn, "Damn, I guess I'll have to wait for her to come around before I can finish giving her a piece of my mind."

I couldn't help my grim smile, "I think you've been very clear, sis."

Her grey eyes flicked up to mine earnestly, "Aiden, you have to go find Ethan. Go."

I looked at my father, "Dad, I-"

He gave me a push, "She's right, son. Go!"

*

Dan's car was small but fast.

The moment we got to his place, I beat him to his own door and banged my fist against it. Dan unlocked it before Ethan had a chance to respond and I pushed in. The kitchen and living area were empty. 

Dan rushed to the bedroom, "Ethan?" then the bathroom, "Ethan??" 

He came out, shaking his head.

I released a frustrated grunt, "Where could he have gone?"

Dan shrugged, "I don't know. He never went out alone the entire time he stayed here."

I pulled out my cell to call him, feeling excitement bubbling up under the frustration. I was so close. A moment later I was disappointed, "Voicemail; it didn't even ring. He's turned his phone off."

"Boss," Dan called me to the kitchen.

I joined him in reading the note stuck to the fridge:

'Please don't be angry with me for leaving this way, I knew you wouldn't allow it otherwise. I need to take control of my life and I need the space to learn how to do that. I also need to figure out how to stop loving him. I'll be in touch. 

Thanks for everything, E.'

I kept rereading one sentence over and over again, "He told you he loves me?"

"You knew," Dan said.

"I didn't."

"Sure you did - you were just too freaked out to recognise it. Same with him, no doubt."

I shoved the note in my pocket, "I have to find him. Any ideas?"

Dan shook his head, "He doesn't want to be found. You have to let this go."

"No. Fucking. Way."

###########

~Dark Days~

###########

Turns out Christmas without the tinsel and celebrations, doesn't feel just like any other day. It's lonelier if you don't have anyone by your side. It's so quiet without the laughter; heavier without the love and gifts – and gloomy as hell, even with the sun blazing. It turns out Christmas is impossible to hide from, no matter how far you run.

I'd told Aiden that I would never run from him again; I'd given him my word. And broken it. My father must've been right when he'd said people like me never got joy because we didn't deserve it. I was constantly running from mine.

I'd left home when my father had forced me to choose between running from family and running from myself. I'd avoided many potential friendships, believing I had little offer because, after my mother's death, no one other than Sam had told me any different. And now Mark was painting me a coward. Not only was I running from him, but he had me running from the only man I'd ever loved.

There was that anger again. It surprised me every time it shot through me. I was angry at how much I'd allowed to slip through my fingers while I hid in fear. Time, peace of mind... love.

I couldn't get the years wasted on self-doubt back, but I could deal with Mark. I could make sure he never took happiness or love from me ever again.

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

I wandered through the house for days on end, knowing it would never feel right without him in it. I looked around at my family as we sat down for Christmas lunch and couldn't shake how incomplete the picture looked.

Five days later they gave up on trying to talk me into joining them and loaded their packed bags into two cars and left. I was a little glad to see them go. The exhausted desperation I carried was refusing to be disguised as equilibrium and I could see the worry in my mother's eyes. 

The house was quiet without them, but it was empty without Ethan.

I made a cup of coffee the way he liked it and spent the first hour alone on the back verandah watching it go cold. I emptied it impatiently and went upstairs. Instead of the master suite, I went into his room. It was a stupid idea that I further compounded by drawing back the covers on the bed and climbing into it. I closed my eyes to the sunset outside because it was the colour of lava and strawberries.

The next day was New Year's Eve. I dressed early and grabbed my surfboard before heading down to the private beach. The waves were decent enough and I spent the whole day out there.

Loving Ethan was turning out to be the easiest and hardest thing I'd ever done. Easy because the feeling grew, no matter what I did. I'd loved him when I'd first seen him; and needed him more as I got to know him. But the hardest part still lay ahead: I had to make him believe in my feelings for him. I'd let him suffer under my qualms and compliance to Carolynn's games for so long, he'd probably slam the door in my face the next time he saw me.

I wouldn't blame him. But I wouldn't let him keep it shut either.

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

~Ethan~

After the way circumstances had come together to keep me in Plett for an entire month, I was rather depressed by how easy it had been to get back to the city. Three phone calls, in fact. The first one to the bus station to book a seat to Cape Town; the second to get a cab to fetch me from Dan's; and the final one got my former professor's housekeeper to meet me at the house to drop off the key. It occurred to me that I could've saved myself a world of trouble by making those phone calls the first day Aiden had opened his door to me. Or the day he'd kissed me. Or...

The house was in a quiet area and had a lovely view. I knew that because Professor Ngubeni had told me so, not from any explorations of my own. 

I kept my phone off for the most part, but made sure to check my messages each day. A few days after Christmas I turned it on again. All the messages were from Aiden. I never listened to them, I just pressed delete as soon as he identified himself.

That Monday, however, I had a little more in mind than clearing out my voicemail inbox. An idea had started forming the previous week and, as the final week of the year began, I knew I had to set it rolling.

I woke up after a restless night, feeling stiff and jumpy. After staring into the fridge and cupboards for more than twenty minutes I decided the glass of juice I held would be breakfast enough. My phone glared accusingly at me from the other end of the table.

I ignored it and went to the lounge for my laptop. I logged into my site and navigated straight to the search engine. Mark Reynolds' name called up quite a number of matches but I recognised the picture I was looking for instantly. It was two years old; I knew because I'd taken it on our trip to Sun City. I sent him a message and waited. 

I got a tentative greeting back by that evening. I asked him how he'd spent his Christmas. He asked me why the police were looking for him. I lied; I told him the other tenants must have called the police. I told him that I never wanted to see him arrested. My skin crawled as I told him I missed him.

My hands were shaking by the time we logged off an hour later. No, not just my hands, all of me, even my spirit. I was inside the shower before I realised I hadn't gotten undressed. I stripped under the hot spray, crying as my clothes hit the tiles. I just stood there until the steam started suffocating me. I got out and it was only after long moments of searching that I remembered there was no oversized robe for me to wrap myself in. I pulled on my pyjamas instead.

I went to sit in the living room in the dark, thinking about the last time I'd gone to church. It had been seven years ago, while my mom was still alive. The following year my father had told me I wasn't welcome at church as God had turned his back on me. I'd believed him. Why else would my mother have died so senselessly if not to punish me?

I was whispering before I even knew it had been my intention to pray. At least, I think it was a prayer, "I was wrong, wasn't I? I'd dimmed the memories of the love she'd shown me when I shoved them to the back of my mind along with all the guilt I felt over her death. She wouldn't have loved me even harder after I came out if I hadn't deserved love. She'd called me smart and strong and I never believed her. I listened to my father instead of hearing her. Was she right? Am I strong?" 

I nodded in the dark, "Yes. Strong enough to see this through; and strong enough to move on... alone... after it's done. I'm done running. I'm here to ask for back up; please, just help me through whatever's supposed to happen. And one more thing, I need you to keep an eye on someone for me. Someone special. Please."

*

The next day when Mark asked if he could call me, I almost smashed my laptop after writing my response, 'Yes, I'd love to hear your voice again.'

My first impulse was to call the police. But I curbed it, knowing they would end my plan before I could see it through. So I paced for ten minutes before gathering the courage to turn my phone on.

I was thinking about a walk I'd taken on the beach with Aiden, when my phone rang. I stared at it, giving one last thought to backing out before it was too late. But backing out wasn't an option, not anymore.

I picked it up, "Hello?"

"Hi, angel," he sounded as guarded as I was feeling.

"Mark," something oily slithered along my belly; I hated it when he called me that, "I've missed you."

"Have you? You haven't shown it," Mark had a mellifluous voice that perfectly matched his golden good looks. 

"I was scared. You hurt me the last time so-"

"You know that wasn't my fault," he bristled. "I just wanted to talk to you and you didn't want to listen."

"I know; you're right. I never gave you a proper chance. I've finally realised that and that's why I had to contact you."

Our first conversation was short. I had a hard time keeping things light to avoid triggering Mark's short temper. I took the blame for everything that had ever gone wrong between us. Describing the lonely Christmas I'd had was no lie; and when he asked me where I was I told him the truth then too.

"In Rosebank," sweat popped on my forehead. "Prof Ngubeni's gone on sabbatical so I'm renting his house for a while."

"I don't know where it is."

"Not far from the university," I had to clear my throat when it clogged. "I could send you directions if you'd like to visit."

"I don't know," the slight agitation again, "we'll see."

I knew he'd be suspicious of my motives so I made sure not to put any pressure on him. I also avoided asking him where he was. If I was going to draw Mark out, it would have to be at a pace that he set.

I brought up our first few weeks of dating and heard him relax notably. He chuckled as he reminded me of how nervous I'd been the first time he'd taken me to a gay club. Not long after, I heard a male voice in the background and Mark told me he had to go. It was worrying to know that he might have a new victim lined up. I ignored the other voice and tried to sound excited when he whispered that he'd call me again that night. 

*

For the next three days Mark called at least twice a day.

He tossed fond memories, accusations and bouts of depression my way during every conversation we had. Keeping our talks and him stable started taking its toll on me. Each night I was kept up by the irrational fear that he'd find me and finish what he'd started that night at the club more than a year ago.

He never did sneak up on me, though. When he couldn't stand keeping away any longer, he came out and said it on New Year's Eve.

"I want to see you tomorrow."

I nearly dropped the phone, "Tomorrow?"

His tone immediately turned edgy, "Yeah, tomorrow. Is there a problem? I thought you said-"

"Tomorrow's great," I said. "I just wasn't expecting this. I was hoping, of course, but you never seemed as interested..."

He chuckled smoothly, "Oh, I've been aching for you, angel, but I first had to make sure that you weren't playing some game. I know how you love those games of yours, always trying to make me look bad..."

"We should go somewhere nice," I interrupted, "like a fancy restaurant where we can celebrate our reunion. We could dress up and-"

"No, I was thinking a private party would be lots more fun."

A chill skated down my spine, "Alone?"

"Naturally," he was smirking, I could hear it. "We'll spend New Year's day making up, the perfect way to start the year, don't you think?" 

No more running. 

"I can't wait."

*

~Aiden~

I gave up on avoiding the soundless house. 

It was late in the afternoon and the heat kept making me think of ice cream, which in turn only served to remind me of Ethan. I packed up my things and trudged back up the hill.

It was cool and quiet inside the house. 

I dumped my wetsuit in the guest bathroom then went upstairs to wash the seasalt off me, but made sure not to linger in the shower. Ethan's face had a tendency to plague me when I kept still for too long and I knew what it would look like beside me in there, the same way it had looked when I'd pulled him in from the rain. And his eyes would shine the way they had that night in the club. The night he'd knelt before me and-

I went back downstairs and paced the kitchen. I slammed cupboard doors and dug around in the fridge, wondering why I had no appetite. I was normally ravenous after spending hours in the water. 

Rick Landon's idea of a Christmas card lay on the island in the kitchen. His trip to the auction had been a successful one and he'd faxed me confirmation of the purchase. I was officially the proud owner of an upmarket townhouse complex in Johannesburg. I should have taken that trip myself and just taken Ethan with me. Then maybe we could've avoided most of the drama that had split us up.

I shook the tension from my shoulders and raided the cupboards with determination. Crackers. Great. With a sigh of defeat I tossed them on a plate with cheese slices and a giant scoop of preserved figs. Might as well make it a party; I grabbed a bottle of merlot and marched to the dining table.

The wine didn't help. By the third glass I couldn't shake the thoughts of Ethan any more. I couldn't understand why his face was haunting me more strongly than usual. And it was troubling me that I kept picturing him the way he'd looked when he was hurt. And I kept wishing I could hold him protectively. When the image of him on the day I'd seen him crying in the garden lodged itself in my mind, I grabbed a fresh bottle of wine and headed upstairs.

The master suite had a king sized bed, far more comfortable than any double, yet I caught myself considering spending another night in the guest suite. I walked out onto the balcony instead. I spent an age on a chair out there, sipping wine and convincing myself that I couldn't drive to Cape Town until I had a concrete search plan. The sky slowly turned black and mocked me with a million stars that looked like sparkling fucking diamonds.

Hours later I watched fireworks blaze across the town below. I hadn't even noticed midnight approaching. With the last sip of wine gone, I went back inside. I brushed my teeth without once meeting my eyes in the mirror. After stripping I climbed into bed without bothering to find pyjamas. I turned out the light and lay on my back.

"Happy new year, baby."

*

"Happy New-! Oh, it's you. Where's Ethan? I wanted to surprise him."

"Sam!" I pulled him into a rough hug before I could stop myself.

"Oookay," he squinted at me. "Where're Ethan and the real Aiden?"

I sat him down in the living room. He yielded hesitantly, making me nervous about what I was about to do. But I knew I had to open up to him – he was the closest link I had to Ethan and I was desperate enough to try anything. So I told him everything that had happened since he'd left. I was hoping he'd be more willing to help me if I was completely open with him.

"You love him," he stated that part before I could get to it.

He'd slumped back into the couch. I watched him steadily as he studied me. After some time I caught a glimpse of a smile; the smile I offered back to him was bleak.

"Can you help me find him?" I asked.

"I know where he is."

It was the best answer I could have hoped for. I'd never gotten ready faster in my life. I barked orders on my way through the reception area of the Montgomery and hoped Jane had gotten them all. By the time I called Dan to tell him I was leaving town Sam and I were already in his SUV. I gripped the wheel, suddenly noting that I hadn't even asked if he was okay with letting me drive. He handed me the keys without a word.

I felt a rush as we exited Plett and stepped a little harder on the accelerator. 

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

I cut the same finger twice.

Mark was coming over at six and he'd told me to cook something nice. He knew that I couldn't find my way around any kitchen, that I hated cooking, but he'd told me to prepare something anyway.

I tore off the first bandaid and ran some water over the blood while I used my teeth to tear open a bigger one that would cover both cuts. All I could think about was calling the police but that would have to wait. If I called them too early, they'd storm in to rescue me before I managed to trap Mark. I avoided thinking about what would happen if I didn't call them in time.

"My poor angel..."

My heart leapt and I knocked the glass bowl beside me off the counter. I spun around and felt tiny shards spray across my ankles when the bowl hit the floor.

"How- How did you-?"

Mark was leaning against the doorway between the kitchen and the lounge area, smiling at me. His dark eyes were hard, though. Calculating.




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 04



"You invited me, remember? Or have you changed your mind again?" He straightened and slowly approached me, "You know how much I hate it when you blow hot and cold, angel."

I couldn't help instinctively backing up two steps, my heels crunching on broken glass. I nodded nervously, "Of course I'm happy you're here; you just surprised me, that's all. I, uh... I didn't hear the door."

He stopped in front of me. For some reason I was amazed to note that he was the same height as me. Why had I always thought of him as being much bigger?

He was still smiling, "I decided to drop in unexpectedly, to make sure you weren't playing one of your little games."

"No, never... I wouldn't do that, not to you."

He cocked a mocking eyebrow, "But you do understand my concern, don't you? You've been up to some very naughty tricks lately, my pet; I had to make sure that you weren't trying to hurt me again."

I managed a nod while my brain screamed in pure panic.

Mark opened his arms, "Well? We're finally together again. Don't you have a warmer welcome for me?"

I dropped my gaze and went into his embrace. I tuned out the nausea that rose as he stroked my back. He still smelled the same; I recalled sitting in the hospital a year ago, blood running down into my eye, and trembling because I could still smell him on me.

I needed to get help, before he made me relive that night and worse.

"As you can see, you've caught me in the middle of getting our special dinner ready. I need to finish preparing the food," I mumbled past his shoulder. "I wasn't expecting you this early so I hope you don't mind waiting. Why don't you relax in the lounge and I'll pour us some drinks?"

I pulled back, trying to remember which counter I'd left my phone on. I just needed a minute alone in the kitchen – that would be more than enough time to call the police.

Mark stopped me, "Nah, I don't feel like putting up my feet while you work alone. I'll stay in here and watch you. I just want to be close to you; we have so much time to make up for, so much love to catch up on."

I swallowed, hoping my lips had curled all the way into a smile, "Oh, but I was planning on thoroughly pampering you. Please, make yourself at home; and I'll fetch you something to nibble on; and maybe something to drink. What would you like?"

"You," he pulled me back into his arms. "To nibble and drink."

I saw the kiss coming and knew I had to do it. I told myself to close my eyes and block out that it was Mark, but at the last second my head turned and his lips landed on my neck. When he lifted his dark gaze, something familiarly frightening was swirling within. It was like staring into midnight.

"You're nervous, angel."

A laugh slipped out at that understatement. I did my best to make it sound casual, "I wouldn't say nervous, just excited th-that my year is starting so amazingly."

"Great. Let's get to it then. What were you making?"

I quickly scanned the kitchen as I turned to the counter I'd been working on. My phone was on the table in the breakfast nook. I turned away from it and headed to the vegetables and other light foods I'd lined up for an appetiser platter. I'd had no dinner planned as I'd figured the police would take Mark away before we ever got to it. I needed a plan now.

"Shouldn't you take care of this mess first?" Mark indicated the glass all over the floor.

"Yes, of course," I found a broom. "Maybe you should step out for a sec, though, so I can clear this up before you step in any of it."

His cold eyes narrowed for a long time. "Sure."

I moved as soon as the door swung shut. I snatched up my phone, flicking a desperate glance over my shoulder. No Mark. Scrolling for the police department number was not an option – I speed-dialed 2 instead and cursed quietly when it took an eternity to connect. 

"Man, what a view!" Mark called, probably from the large windows that looked out over the back garden.

I fumbled and almost dropped the damned phone. When the ringing started at the other end, I muted the volume and switched to speaker phone.

"Do you want to have our drinks out there so we can watch the sun set?" I called back.

"Nah..."

Shit, he was coming back. I dropped my phone next to the microwave where he wouldn't see it and kept my back to the doorway so I could take a moment to collect myself.

I heard his shoes grind on the glass that I still hadn't swept up. "I'm in the mood for the type of party that is best kept indoors."

I turned to find him watching me, clearly considering using the gun he was pointing at me.

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

"We need to get onto De Waal Drive; so take the next-"

"I know how to get to Rosebank," I concentrated on not breaking the speed limit as we headed toward the Devil's Peak freeway. "You snore, by the way. Really loudly."

Sam snorted, "I do not-" He blinked at me, "How loud?"

I laughed but his phone rang before I could respond. I saw his eyes light up when he checked the screen; that could only be the one person we'd been trying to reach since leaving Plett.

"About damn time he called me back," Sam flipped his phone open and put it to his ear, "You are so lucky I'm- Hello? Hello? Sugar, is that you?"

I glanced Sam's way as many times as I dared without driving us off the mountainside. His expression was one of worry. Ethan must be trying to talk him out of finding him.

I couldn't stand it any longer, "What's going on? What's he saying?"

Sam's jaw had dropped and his face was pale. He pushed a button and the speaker clicked on. I heard a voice I didn't recognise and it wasn't sounding all too friendly.

Before my confusion could take hold however, Ethan's voice came across a lot less muffled. I was so happy to hear him I almost missed what he said, "Mark, please... I do want to work things out, I really do. But you need to put the gun down first. Please, I-"

My blood ran cold. The other voice barked again, still muffled but obviously upset. Reynolds? Reynolds had Ethan?

I tossed my phone at Sam, finally letting my foot sink down on the accelerator the way I'd been itching to do since this morning.

"Anton Pretorius, call him now!" I ordered as I made a sharp left, "Give him the address and tell him about Reynolds. He'll contact the closest police station."

The light ahead turned orange so I sped up again. Not much farther now; that fucker had better pray I get to him before he did anything to Ethan.

It was a threat as well as my most desperate prayer and I hissed it from between clenched teeth.

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

"Say it!"

I knew I was being stupid but I still couldn't bring myself to say what he wanted to hear.

So I told as much of the truth as I could, "I don't have anyone, Mark; I swear, there's no one else."

He grabbed me by my shirt, "No one but me?"

The smell of his sweat was sharp and unexpected. It scared me as much as the look in his eyes because it proved his anxious instability. Everything I said to him made him more restless and that was the one thing I'd been trying to avoid.

"Only you."

His gun pressed into my stomach and, for a second, I thought of my mother.

He suddenly turned and pushed me through the kitchen door, in the direction of the lounge, the dining room and bedrooms beyond, "We have some celebrating to do, angel. You still remember what I like don't you?"

I sure did remember. I remembered that the only reason he called me that was because he loved the irony of the depraved things he made me do at the same time. I remembered cutting my hair because I'd gotten tired of having him pull me by it like I was some animal. I remembered hating the bed we'd bought together.

I couldn't let him take me back there.

In the dining area I pulled away from him and managed to put the table between us. He lifted his gun but didn't shoot – because we both knew I was trapped. I had a wall behind me; he had the only escape route behind him.

"When are you going to learn?" Frustration made him wave the gun, "I am all you have. I was there when no one else would even LOOK at you! You love me!"

I nodded because his yelling had started scaring me. His face was flushed and I was worried about him getting any more frantic than he already was.

"You haven't actually said it yet," he accused.

"Wh- Said what?"

"That you love me. If you've wanted me back for so fucking long, why wasn't that the first thing out your mouth?"

I froze. I had to say it. My life depended on keeping him happy until I could find a way to get away from him, but the words refused to come. Aiden's green eyes flashed before me and I knew I was lost – there was no way I could say those words to Mark or anyone else.

Mark must've seen something in my eyes, "You slut. You cheap, fucking-"

He aimed straight at my heart and I lifted my arms to shield myself, "NO!!!"

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

Sam was paler than I'd ever seen him. I didn't want to know what I looked like.

"Captain Pretorius said two units were in the area and should be there by the time we get there."

Sam had originally had the phone on speaker but my shouting had only confused Anton. So he'd handled everything himself.

We were on a tree lined street. Sam pointed to the right and I had to wrench the wheel as hard as I could to make the turn in time. I could hear sirens somewhere but couldn't be sure if those were the units from the Rosebank police station or other officers drawn in by our speeding.

Sam pointed at a neat, single-storey house near the end of a cul-de-sac. All was quiet but knowing I was this close to Ethan and that he was in trouble, made me edgy. Sam's line was still connected, but we could no longer hear them talking. The silence was terrible.

Sam was checking the street, "They're not here yet. Where the hell- Aiden, no!"

I was out of the car before he could stop me. The sirens were louder but the police cars hadn't reached this street yet. I could not just sit there, hoping they'd make it in time. I vaulted the low fence, trying to keep away from areas of the garden that might be visible from indoors. 

I made it to the house and pressed myself against the front wall. No lights had been turned on even though the sun was just about gone, so I had no way of knowing which part of the house Ethan was in. I was considering circling around to the back when I heard him and his cry propelled me.

The front door was locked. I rammed my body against it with only one thought in mind.

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

Something hit the front door from outside. 

Mark and I swung around simultaneously, equally shocked that we were no longer alone. Whatever – or whoever – it was, the door was hit hard enough to make it vibrate but it did not give. The police! Sam had come through after all. 

The second collision produced a large crack. That's when Mark panicked.

He turned from the door and aimed back at me, "You! Get the hell over here!!"

I only had the dining table between us for protection but I wasn't done resisting. I pushed the large table over and hit the floor. Mark swore again, looking for me but the third crash rang out right then and I could hear the door give in. I saw Mark turn back towards the door.

"Ethan!"

Aiden?! No, no, no n-!!

Mark fired two shots as Aiden large frame hit him. 

"NOOO!!!" I was scrambling to my feet, barely aware of the shouting and thudding boots of the policemen storming in.

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

Gramps was right.

For as long as there was anything worth fighting for, every spark of energy should be dedicated to it. My dreams, my beliefs, my passions... those were shaped by no one but me – and deserved that I celebrate and protect them. My love... my Ethan. As I lost track of my breath, I could think of no single thing on earth more worthy of my dedication. I might have taken a long time to commit, but in the end I gave him everything I had, everything. And it felt good.

A point came when my eyelids stopped fluttering, they simply became too heavy to lift; but that was fine. In my mind I saw Ethan stretching in the sun – skin glistening, his hair lifting in the breeze – and I let myself take him in. 

I'd gotten there in time to fight for the one thing worth my life. More than who I'd been or who I'd become; more than what anyone outside saw or thought of me; and more than the darkness slipping in to envelope my contentment... that was all that mattered. 

I'd fought for my love.

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

~Ethan~

"Someone called to see how you were; I couldn't work out if his name was Justin or Jordan."

It was after two in the afternoon and I'd only just showered. I was sitting at the table in Sam's kitchen with a bowl of cereal in front of me. Sam was feigning disinterest but I knew he was watching every spoonful I ate. I'd had a hard time building up an appetite in the last six weeks.

The best part of this whole mess had been not having to deal with Mark. 

Anton had spent a lot of time on the phone with me once Mark was taken into custody, talking me through what to expect in terms of the charges and testifying against him in court. We never got that far, though. A fortnight after Mark's arrest, a young man came forward to press charges of his own. Apparently Mark had turned on his new boyfriend once he thought he'd be getting me back in his life. He'd snapped completely. Twenty-year-old Ben Westham had been hospitalised for more than a week, receiving treatment for grievous beatings and several stab wounds. So, the good news was that Mark pleaded guilty as soon as he'd heard of Ben's involvement in the case. The other good news was that his cooperation had done little to make a dent in his sentencing; he was facing many years behind bars thanks to the list of charges against him.

The bad news... I couldn't face that yet. I let go of my spoon and it clattered to the table. Sam was still doing a poor job of pretending he wasn't keeping an eye on me.

I pushed my half-eaten bowl away, "It's Justin and Jordan. They're actually two someones who happen to sound like one nut."

"Oh, okay. I told them you weren't up to chatting but would call back soon."

I stood up, "Can we go?"

Sam was careful to control his tone, "You're not done eating."

"For crying out loud, Samuel, I've done every damn thing you asked!" I was embarrassed to feel my eyes burning. "I tried to get some sleep; I took a shower; I ate as much as I could stomach... What more-?"

"You're right, I'm sorry," he swept the bowl away. "I'm worried about you, that's all."

I rubbed the moisture from my eyes, "I know."

"You'll burn out soon if you keep this up. And the guilt you've been carrying will only hurt you that much more." He touched my shoulder, "Punishing yourself won't change what happened."

I shook his hand off, "I know, alright? Now can we go?"

Sam drove.

Technically speaking, the hospital's visiting hours wouldn't be starting for another hour, but the nurses knew me by now. After seeing me daily for a month and a half, they'd become very gracious about turning a blind eye while I slipped past at odd times. I trudged through blue and white corridors with my hands deep in my pockets. 

I'd come to hate these corridors. They led to beeping machines and rooms with no comfort. They led to sleepless nights. Worst of all, they led to doctors in pristine coats who spoke gutting words. Words like 'dislocated shoulder... fractured ribs... gunshot wounds... excessive blood loss... coma'. 

Coma. 

I'd collapsed against these very walls the first night we'd arrived here. That was the night their neutral whiteness had highlighted my piercing anguish at having a torn and broken man taken from me – and being left with nothing but his blood soaking into my clothes. 

I blinked the memory away.

The fourth floor waiting area was quiet, meaning Aiden's family hadn't arrived yet. I was relieved. They'd been incredibly supportive since the day of Mark's meltdown and arrest, but I still had a hard time facing them. The more Greg treated me like the son my own father detested, the guiltier I felt for the trouble I'd caused. I'd brought Mark into Aiden's life and knew I'd never forgive myself for that.

At Aiden's door, I paused to shake the stiffness out of my shoulders, determined not to carry my guilt and gloom to his bedside. My mind flashed back to our very first kiss and when the warmth of that day soothed me, I opened the door and walked into his room.

Aiden was awake and smiling at me. 

I stared stupidly, "Oh... my..."

"Please don't pass out, baby. I won't be able to catch you if you do."

For nearly six weeks the doctors had had no answers for me. The first bullet had grazed his temple, causing no real damage. It was the second shot that had been more distressing. It had passed through his chest when he tackled Mark, fortunately passing above his heart and just below the left subclavian vein. But the bullet had torn a large hole on its exit – and that was after he'd dislocated his shoulder and cracked six ribs on his right side when he'd obliterated a solid oak door trying to get to me.

"They said they didn't know when you'd wake up," I whispered. I didn't tell him that they'd said 'if' not 'when'.

He lifted his left hand, "I'd really like to touch you."

I rushed to him. The upper portion of the bed had been elevated to prop him up. I sat beside him and wrapped my arms around him. He groaned when I touched him and I stiffened, thinking I'd hurt him. When he immediately tightened his good arm around me I recognised his contentment. I'd missed his embrace too; he was so warm.

"This is perfect," his chest rumbled when he spoke. "I have so much to share with you, love. About Carolynn and-"

"Oh, thank heavens!" Aiden's mother hurried in, followed by the rest of the pack, minus his grandparents.

The kids were so excited that Chris had to block their way to Aiden's bed until they managed to calm themselves somewhat. Gwen and Michaela hugged us both and wouldn't let go for a long time. This time I let myself enjoy the Montgomery group hug. 

Melanie managed to slip past her father, "Merry Christmas!"

She clambered up onto the bed near Aiden's feet, wielding two brightly wrapped packages. 

"Christmas in February?" I asked. "Surely you've celebrated already? Like, on Christmas day perhaps?"

Aiden grinned, "Not entirely. The kids refused to give me my present in Plett because – according to them – I wasn't Christmassy enough."

"He was so sad and grumpy, Ethan," Melanie complained, "so we decided we'd wait till you came back to make him happy again."

I gaped at her. 

I'd made more friends than I'd ever had before during my weeks in Plett. Now Melanie's innocent words made me feel like I was on the brink of being gifted with a whole new family as well. But there were so many issues to sort out, I was afraid of letting myself hope it could be true. 

"Open it, uncle Aiden," Kyle ordered.

Melanie handed him the red package and kissed his cheek. He tore it open in moments, grinning at the children's enthusiasm. The wrapping paper fell away to reveal a neatly folded t-shirt. Aiden shook it open and held it up for me to see. Wolverine.

I laughed, "This explains so much."

"We got you a present too," said Kyle. "Here you go, Ethan."

I took the package in surprise. Melanie kissed my cheek then nudged me to get me to start tearing through the green wrapping. I did so carefully. Inside was another t-shirt, a white one. I shook it open, wondering which superhero the kids had picked for me. Aiden's laugh exploded at the picture on front.

I cocked my head as I studied it, "I love it."

"Really?" Melanie bounced for joy, "'Cause I picked it. Kyle wanted us to buy a different one but Mommy said I could decide on yours since he'd already chosen our uncle's."




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 04



I kissed her forehead, "Your mom is brilliant, Melon. SpongeBob SquarePants was the perfect choice."

Aiden laughed even harder at that; then groaned when his stiff ribs protested.

*

Aiden was discharged a few days later.

His bullet wound and ribs were healing well and the post-operative x-rays of his shoulder came back clear. But I still think the main reason the doctor discharged him was to curb his nagging. The grey-haired doctor winked at me as he signed the release forms, asking Aiden why he was in such a rush to get to his own bed. I dragged Aiden away before he could answer.

Maybe it was embarrassment at what personal details he might share with that doctor. But it was also the fear of hearing that it wasn't me he was anxious to be with. Seeing him, awake and smiling, was awakening my hunger for him again and I didn't know if I could bear hearing that he'd gotten over me in our time apart.

We'd had painfully little privacy since he'd woken up. He managed to tell me that Carolynn had been kicked out of his house because of her lies. The baby had been nothing but a lie. I couldn't conceive of the type of psyche that spun lies and toyed with lives the way Carolynn had. Aiden looked like he wasn't at all interested in trying to understand her. I watched the outrage darken his eyes as he spoke and was torn apart by the idea of ever being rejected by him.

I found that I couldn't celebrate Carolynn's departure because I still didn't know my own fate. I spent those days painfully aware that Aiden had given no indication of wanting me, despite the developments he'd shared with me. The apprehension inside me grew as my doubts multiplied and I knew Aiden had to be sensing it.

His brace and subsequent sling had been removed and all the necessary paperwork dealt with before we left the hospital. My heart had seized a little as he'd signed the release forms and I couldn't help wondering how much longer I had before I'd be expected to let him walk out of my life as well. We drove to his parents' house for a late breakfast, while talking about the friggin' cable car up friggin' Table Mountain. I gripped the steering wheel and made sure to avoid meeting his eyes in the quiet intimacy of the car. 

Aiden directed me to his parents' home which turned out to be a sprawled out Spanish-style villa in Simonstown. He opened the front door and led me inside before I'd managed to take a good look around the lush garden. Melanie was sitting in the lounge, watching tv.

"Oh, thunder!" that was Mike.

I was startled but no one else seemed affected. Kyle calmly entered with two bowls of cereal and handed one to his sister. They both dug in, eyes zeroed in on the leopards on their favourite nature show. 

"What was that?" I asked.

"Mom," Kyle answered, eyes still glued to the television. "She thinks she's making pancakes. It never works."

Michaela appeared then with smudges of strangely yellow batter on her. She kissed Aiden and me then went to slump down on the couch next her children. 

"All clear then?" Greg missioned in, already wearing an apron, as if he'd been biding his time. "Ah, you boys are here; good, good." He hugged us before heading on towards the kitchen. 

Aiden showed me around the beautiful house, kissing his mother hello along the way. He then sat with his grandparents to tell them what the doctors had said after running their final tests. Melanie climbed into his lap and kept trying to feed him her multi-coloured cereal. Feeling a little out of place, I decided to step out onto the terrace and... uh, hide. I couldn't see the ocean from where I stood but I could smell it. I leaned on the terrace railing, taking extra deep breaths.

I sensed Aiden's approach before I felt his warmth behind me. I craved him enough to feel my tongue slipping across my bottom lip the moment his scent reached me. I stood straight and still, hoping some clever line would come to mind. Anything would be more impressive than my unvoiced panic.

"Kiss me," his words were soft yet rough.

I shook my head, at his command and at my desire to obey it, "No."

I felt his front caress my back and tensed up. His strong hands came down on either side of me, gripping the railing. His skin was lighter from his time spent in hospital, more honey now than bronze.

"Kiss me."

I shook my head again, my racing heart taunting my shaky resolve, "Aiden, stop this. You don't know what you're starting. I'm not kissing you with your family a few steps away. They might be fine with hearing that you're gay but, believe me, seeing it will be a whole other challenge. The children are in there, damn it."

"Kiss me."

Frustration finally made me turn in the circle of his arms, "Why?!"

He studied my face for a long while before leaning down to touch his forehead to mine. His words fell on my lips as he spoke, "Because I don't know how else to convince you that I love you. I have felt my time with you running out since we left the hospital and don't know how the hell to keep you here with me. Since the day you left me, I've been tormented by your desire to move on, your last message... I've wasted so many chances to tell you, that all I have left is showing you. Please let me show you, baby. I know that's the only shot I have at getting you to come back to Plett with me. I have to make you see that you belong with me. I love you."

I couldn't believe it. 

I'd faced enough disappointments in my lifetime to have learnt that I never got gold. I had chosen to put myself under emotional quarantine all my life because I'd accumulated a string of judgments and ridicule long enough to teach me my worth. And now the most beautiful man I knew was standing in front of me, promising me everything.

Aiden loved me. I felt a little smile begin to show. 

"No," I responded firmly.

His broad shoulders bunched at that small word, making the muscles in his arms tighten and brush against mine, "'No'? I'm too late then? You're telling me you're prepared to just walk away from-"

I brushed my fingers along his stubbled jaw and rested them on his lips. I loved that I could touch him like that any time I wished. "No. I'm telling you that your love is only part of the reason I'll be coming back home with you. The other part is that... I love you too."

Aiden's heat enveloped me the instant his lips met mine. His kiss was bruising, his tongue unapologetic. I pulled him to me, welcoming every mark. He was finally mine and I wanted all of him. The taste of him made me feel more at home than any house ever would. 

I held him in place and slid my tongue between his lips. He leaned into me, towering over me, wrapping his strength around me. Strength that had seeped into me over last few months. 

I spun us around and pushed him against the railing, smiling at his surprised exhalation. My eyes held his as my palms slid down his torso then up under his t-shirt. I watched his green orbs narrow the instant my touch skimmed across the heat of his abs. I savoured the sense of power I got from his reactions.

"I, uh, came out to, uh... Mom wants to... Breakfast is ready," Chris' voice froze my exploring hands, "but I'm not so sure scrambled eggs will hold much appeal for you two right now."

I turned my head in alarm. Chris was standing in the doorway, his neck a deep red and his eyes trained on the rosebushes growing just beyond the terrace. I suddenly remembered my hands, still beneath Aiden's t-shirt, and snatched them away.

"We'll be right there, bro," Aiden's tone was amused.

"Right."

Minutes later we were all seated around a large table, digging into a hearty breakfast. I found it difficult to meet Chris' gaze, but had plenty to watch as Michaela rescued the maple syrup from Melanie who'd been about to drizzle some on her bacon. Montgomery chaos, I loved it and had years more to look forward to. Years and years with Aiden – the thought made my little smile grow.

I turned to Michaela who sat to my right, "There's something I've been wondering for a while..."

"Shoot."

"Why 'Mike'? Why not something that sounds more feminine, like 'Mickey'?"

"Kyle," she prompted, biting into her sausage.

The boy didn't hesitate, "Mickey's a squeaky rodent that wears tasteless shorts and clogs."

I looked back at Mike, "Good point."

Melanie grinned at me. Yes, decades more of this would be a dream come true. 

We finished up fairly quickly as Dan had contacted Aiden to let him know that we had to be ready to leave by mid-morning. A few minutes before our booked transport was due to arrive, Aiden went out get his bags and Gwen hugged me, refusing to let go.

"Oh, Axe is definitely going to want that back, mom," Chris stated.

"No," she replied, clinging tighter. "I don't understand why you boys can't just stay the weekend. Aiden, you need some rest; a six-hour drive won't do you any good after being released from hospital a few hours ago."

"I won't be driving," Aiden said behind me. "Daniel's sending a chauffeured car. And we can't stay because I want to take Ethan down to the beach before sunset."

Everyone went quiet at that, even Gwen eased up her grip, finally letting me inhale again. I took in their wide eyes and Aiden's smile and felt like the only person in the room who'd missed the punchline.

"The beach? Our beach?" his father asked.

Michaela shrieked and hugged him before he could answer. Soon Gwen was laughing and crying and the kids were jumping around excitedly – though I was fairly certain they were as clueless as I was.

"Wow, I thought Aiden was the only one who loved the beach that much," I told Chris who stood beside me. "I guess all you Montgomerys are a little obsessed with it then?"

"You could say so," he smiled, hugging me for the first time.

The gate's intercom buzzed before I could ask anymore and Chris nudged me towards the front door. Greg opened the automated gates while Aiden carried the bags out. A little dazed by the rising glee, I slowly followed everyone out into the summer sunshine. I could hear Michaela's laughter and the children's eager yelling and wondered what the excitement was about.

A limousine. 

A black luxury limousine had arrived to pick us up; one Dan had commissioned to drive us all the way back to Plettenberg Bay. Aiden cursed softly in shock until I reminded him that the kids could hear him. It was unexpected, though, so I understood his reaction. I didn't even want to guess what he'd do to Dan once we got home. I laughed all the way to Sam's place where we picked up my things. By the time we were leaving the city, my stomach muscles hurt. But I still couldn't stop laughing. 

#################

~Strawberry Sunsets~

#################

"You love me?" I had my ear pressed to Aiden's heartbeat. Despite our initial shock at its arrival, the lavish limo was turning out to be a wonderful idea.

He pulled me up till I was looking into his eyes, "More than I could ever express to you."

"Oh, I don't know, taking a bullet for me was pretty expressive," I smiled. "You're sure, though? They have you on some powerful painkillers. Maybe we should wait until you know what you doing before jumping into anything."

His hand wrapped around the back of my neck and pulled me forward until the tip of my nose brushed his. The light in his eyes was so intense I almost couldn't stand it.

"I know what I'm doing," he said. "I'm refusing to put off talking to you about how I feel. I'm staking my claim on forever with you. And I'm falling deeper in love with you the more time I get to spend with you. I tried to avoid my feelings in the past but that never stopped them from growing. I love you, Ethan Gray."

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~# 

"I'm so sorry," Ethan murmured.

I had my head in his lap and he was running his fingers through my hair. I'd just started drifting off when he made his apology. I'd been thinking about how lucky I was to have the one man perfect for me coming home with me, when his words pulled my out of my bliss.

I opened my eyes, "What could you possibly have to be sorry for?"

"All the trouble with Mark," he said. "I very nearly got you killed."

"That was all Reynolds' doing," I told him, "that's why he'll be rotting away in lock-up for the next thirty-odd years. Look, I won't have you feeling guilty over something I'd do again without thinking twice. Okay?"

He focused on his fingers in my hair, "The day my mom died I'd asked her if she could come home early. My father had been hassling me and I was feeling really low. So that's what she did. She left work early and stopped at the bakery for my favourite brownies. The accident happened ten minutes from our house... If I hadn't called-"

"Her job was to love you," I said, "and I'm sure it made her happy that you believed that enough to turn to her when you needed her. I know I'd go wherever my love for you led me and be grateful for the opportunity to show it. Don't dwell on the end of your mom's story, baby; savour the joy and love in all of it instead."

His lips pursed thoughtfully, "You're right. I haven't had the best luck in any kind of love and it's made me bury myself in pessimism. Meeting you and Dan and everyone else in the last few months has been such a new experience to me... I want to learn how to let more good feelings in."

"We all have our obstacles to overcome, babe," I told him. "I couldn't even see mine for the longest time. I nearly let love pass me by simply because it came wrapped up in a man. For years I've wanted you more than I was willing to confess and it scared me. And even when I did start exploring my feelings for you, the fear remained – a new fear."

He snorted down at me, "You've never been scared a day in your life."

"I was," I insisted. "I faced the very real possibility that you wouldn't be interested in anything I had to offer. You're intelligent and kind, and people love being around you. I started worrying about long it would take for you to find a man who had no emotional baggage, no sexual identity issues."

"And no crazy fiancée," he added.

I laughed, "Gods, definitely no crazy fiancée... And you make more money than me. I'd fallen in love with someone who didn't need me to take care of him – all I had to offer was myself and I didn't know if that would be enough. Life had never been that complicated for me, so I guess I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to be good enough for you."

Ethan silver eyes were serious, "You love me. That makes you perfect for me."

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

"I'd always been a shy boy," I told Aiden. 

I was sitting up and looking straight at him. If I was going to share my inner most self with him, I had to do it as directly as possible. He watched me tenderly as I sorted through my childhood and tried to present him with a collage he'd understand.

"The other kids were all so interesting and they had such fantastic stories about the exciting things they did with their dads. My father never spent much time with me, so I figured something had to be wrong with me."

He kissed my lips, "Not a chance."

"Tell that to ten-year-old me, please," I said. "I guess he just wasn't the fun-and-active kind of dad, but I didn't know that then. I took his distance as rejection and blamed myself. And then my feelings for other boys were growing and overwhelming me. That just made it all worse."

"Worse?"

I nodded, "I couldn't understand what was happening. The boys my age were all chasing girls and I couldn't stand them. I thought there had to be something really wrong with me for me to be the only one who liked the kids who looked more like me. I was the only one who had crushes on other boys... Then, when I was thirteen, I met Sam and he was fun and confident – and out. I was astounded."

Aiden brushed my hair out of my eyes, "He's the one that gave you the courage to come out to your parents?"

I chuckled, "Yeah. But he it took him two years to convince me to do it. In the end I did it because I was tired of being afraid of what the world thought, I was tired of hiding and stressing and wishing... So I just blurted it out to my parents one day. My mom asked me why I didn't want to watch Casablanca with her later that night and I said 'I'm gay'. I remember she had just come in from doing some gardening. She hugged me so tight she got mud all over my school blazer. I was all wrapped up in her scent of leaves and sunshine. And her love."

"What did your father say?" he asked cautiously.

"Nothing. He just walked out."

Aiden tried to pull me close, but I wouldn't let him. Not yet. I maintained eye contact with him, looking for signs of rejection but finding in none.

So I pushed on, "He didn't speak to me for weeks, wouldn't even eat at the same table at mealtimes. Sometimes, late at night, I'd hear my mom pleading with him but he never came around. I'd thought his silent treatment was awful, but that was only until he started talking to me again. He told me I was sick – and weak for not being able to fight my feelings. I told him I didn't want to fight them. That was the first and last time I defended my identity to him."

"How come?"

"He slapped me, again and again. He'd never raised his hand to me before that – then suddenly the blows wouldn't stop. I took it to mean he hated me. So I backed off. But he didn't. He'd... corner me. Whenever my mom wasn't around, there he'd be, taunting and condemning me. I never told her the things he said to me, I didn't want to worry her. But I think a part of her had suspicions. "

Aiden clasped my hands between his reassuring ones, "I am so sorry, baby."

"I'd spent my entire childhood yearning for my father's attention and when I finally got it, life at home turned into a nightmare. When my mom died I wished I'd gone with her. My father kicked me out at the end of my first university year. I spent that summer at Sam's then moved back into varsity res. I tried to contact my father a few times. I phoned home but he made it clear that I was no longer welcome in his house. I haven't had a home since, not a real one."

Aiden kissed me again, less gently than before, "Until now."

His statement filled my heart. I would have to warn him soon that all this love would eventually make it burst. I'd always had money, but had never felt this rich before. I was certain my heart couldn't take much more. One of these days it would just explode in a joyous display of fireworks. I would definitely have to warn him of that before it happened. But for now...

I agreed wholeheartedly with him, "Until now."

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

~Aiden~

The sky looked bluer as the limo made its way up the hill towards The Montgomery. To me it did. 

I'd spent the last few minutes on the phone, speaking softly to keep from waking Ethan who dozed lightly beside me. By the end of our conversation, Dan was chuckling and I was more nervous than I'd ever been. He assured me that everything would be fine before hanging up. I looked over at Ethan. His hair was getting long again, covering his eyes as he slept. I brushed it back and kissed his cheek.

He turned to me, still half asleep, and sought my lips. I'd tried so hard to keep some distance until we got home because I knew I'd never be able to stop anything we started. But the moment his slumberous gaze met mine I knew I was lost. Our lips connected and I slowly leaned back against the extra-wide seat, pulling him with me, inviting him to explore me. We sank into the plush leather together. Gods, it felt good.

He lay across me, dipping his tongue between my lips, tasting me till my groin tightened. I licked him back, giving in to the needs my body had been screaming at me since leaving the hospital. My hands slid smoothly down his back and tightened on his hips when they started a slow gyration. He was getting me hard in the back of a damn car. I knew we should wait until we got to the house but every time I tasted him I didn't want to stop.




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 04



His skin was hot. I slipped my hands beneath his t-shirt and ran my palms along his back and sides. He moaned into my mouth, planting his hands on either side of my head. I stretched out completely and squeezed his hips again. He pressed his pelvis into mine, deepening the kiss even more.

I came up for air, "Ethan... Baby, we need to stop."

His lips roamed along my jaw before dipping down to my throat. I felt his teeth clamp down on the base of my neck and it was like a shot of energy directly to my cock. Shit, I was harder than I'd ever been. I'd told myself I would behave until we got home, but fuck...

I shoved my hands down the back of his cargo pants and pulled him to me as I thrust forward, "Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?"

He lifted his face to mine, "Show me."

I captured his lips again, losing my last grip on sanity. I shifted to my side, roughly rolling him beneath me. He looked up at me in surprise, then smiled at the burning need he saw in my eyes. I pulled his t-shirt over his head and off him. There he was, all mine. I dipped my head and enclosed one of his nipples with my lips, immediately sucking hard. His hips bucked, then again when I stroked the nub with my tongue.

He was moaning so sweetly by the time I moved to the other one that my sole goal became making him scream my name. He sank his fingers into my hair and held on tightly; my baby was soaring, so free. I growled in approval. But then my hand faltered on its way down to unbutton his pants – the limo had come to a stop. I looked out the window, chest heaving. We were home.

I looked back down at Ethan's pleading grey eyes, "Fuck."

The driver climbed out and came to tap on our window, "Mr Montgomery?"

"Yeah, hang on," I responded, grimly passing Ethan his t-shirt.

His cheeks had gone pink and he looked so cute I had to turn away while he pulled his t-shirt back on. I got my breathing under control before turning back to him. His cheeks were rosier. Fuck it. I grabbed him and kissed him again.

"Aiden," he pulled back, "we should really go. The driver-"

"Can wait a damn minute," I barked emphatically.

"There's a bed inside," he pointed out rationally.

"Right," I opened the door and hopped out.

The driver tipped his cap lightly as I tugged a disheveled Ethan out after me, "Hope the trip was to your satisfaction, sir."

I grinned at him, "Not yet, but it's about to be."

"Of course, sir."

"Aiden!" Ethan was the colour of a ripe strawberry and gawking at me.

I unlocked the front door and let the unfazed chauffeur deposit our bags in the foyer. After one more tip of the hat, he left, softly shutting the door behind him. Ethan was looking around as if he was seeing the house for the first time. His cheeks were still pink.

He turned to me, "It feels different. I actually feel like I belong here."

"You've always belonged here with me."

He reached up and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. I learned a crucial lesson in that moment: I was in love with a man who could get me to do absolutely anything for another one of those kisses. I cherished our nascent commitment, our emotional connection. 

Again I pulled back before we could get carried away, "We need to go upstairs and freshen up. I have a surprise for you."

"Can't it wait?" he complained.

"It can – but I can't. Go on, we only have about three hours before the sun sets."

I was trying to be casual but I think my newly mounting nervousness revealed itself anyway. He scrutinized my face for a minute before relenting. I picked up our bags and led him up the stairs. In the master suite I dropped our bags on my leather couch and turned to him. Ethan was standing in the doorway, inspecting the room. I looked around at what he saw: king-sized bed, thick carpeting, burgundy drapes, leather couch, dark mahogany furniture, light walls and sunlight filling the large space.

I went to him pulled him inside. A tall, narrow bookcase stood behind the couch, flanked by a plant and floor lamp. He started there, running his fingers along the rich wood, down to the couch. After that he walked around touching everything before coming to stand in front of me once more.

"During my first week here," he started, "I fell in love with your house because I could see how much of yourself was invested in it. It made me wonder what your bedroom looked like, what you looked like in it, in bed."

"Our bedroom," I corrected softly. "And I'd love nothing more than to spend the next few days showing you what we could both get up to in that bed."

I kissed him then. Because I could; because I wanted him to know he was welcome in all my most intimate spaces; because he tasted of strawberries and I was addicted... I slipped my fingers through his black hair and pressed his lips to mine when I wanted the kiss to deepen. I felt his promise to be mine in the way he clung to me as I demanded more. 

I pulled his t-shirt off again. Then I pulled mine off as well, because I hated having barriers between us. I watched him as his breath caught at the sight of my scars. He kissed the knot of flesh above my heart. The lighter cuts and bruises would fade, but that one was here to stay. I cupped his cheek and pressed him to my heart. I wanted him to know I wore that scar with pride and joy. Each day I wake with it would be another day I get to celebrate Ethan being here and being mine. 

That's what I wanted to him to know when I kissed him again; when I undid his pants and slipped them off along with his underwear; when I lifted him and carried him to our bed. That's what I told him with my tongue, my eyes and my hands. That's what I vowed without saying a word. And I know he understood because, for once, he let me explore him to my heart's content.

I lay beside him pinning his hands in one of mine while sucking on his neck. When I let go so I could crouch above him, he kept his hands there, surrendering completely. I could see that he had no idea how sexy a picture he made. I ran my hands down his chest, watching him closely. His breath caught when my fingers traced his lightly defined abs – so that's where I chose to put my tongue. His erection stood, throbbing and red, between us. I couldn't wait to get to it.

"Oh, shit..." his hips bucked beneath me. "Oh, shit, I need you..."

"You have me," I husked before finally easing the head of his cock between my lips.

His scent drove me crazy, sweet yet raw and completely consuming. It matched the taste of him. I slid my tongue along his warm cock, sucking him further into my mouth. My lips gliding over his smooth hardness made him cry out. Or maybe it was the sensation of his penis bumping the back of my throat. I eased up a little to keep from gagging, but quickly dove back down when I felt him pull his hips back. I loved the warmth and sweetness of him in my mouth and I wasn't letting him go anywhere. He was mine.

"No, baby, baby, love... I'm gonna-" another cry cut into his pleading.

High on the endearments falling from his lips, I sank down further than before. Again his head stroke at my throat's entrance, but this time I concentrated on relaxing. I didn't have all of him in and probably wouldn't know how to for a while but, damn, was I going to love trying. I felt his fingers in my hair and realised he was trying to pull me off him as his hips began to buck uncontrollably.

Fuck me, his frenzied cries were hot.

I shifted between his legs so that he was forced to widen them. Then I cupped his balls in one hand, rolling and firmly stroking them. And, once more, I lowered my mouth on his throbbing erection. My own, aching to be inside him, was pressed to the covers, pulsating in time with my pounding heart. I ignored it, wanting to focus solely on Ethan and his pleasure.

"Damn oh damn oh damn, I need you," his heels were braced as I let him thrust into my mouth and throat. He didn't jackhammer away as I'd expected, but he wasn't being slow about it either. 

Deliberate, that's the word. He was gliding in and out with the focus of one savouring every second and every sensation. He sought his pleasure, his climax, with determination. I lifted my gaze to find him watching me sucking and licking him. He tugged at my hair at the same time that his thrusts sped up, showing me the depth he liked. His lips started moving, but it was some time before tangible words came out. Pleas.

"Love, you have to let me- I can't- I need... I'm gonna, oh, I'm gonna..." another cry escaped as his hips bucked faster.

Still I sucked up and down the length of him, resolutely sinking the tip of his cock into the entrance of my throat, all the while grinding my own hardon into the bed. My eyes, still on his, picked up the exact moment he realised what I wanted, the reason why I resisted each time he tried to pull me off him. The very instant it dawned on him that I wanted him to come in my mouth. The knowledge made him lose control and I let him. He reared. Precum coated my tongue as he fucked my mouth. A sheen of sweat glistened on his skin, on his clenched abs. I inhaled through my nose and sank down one last time, taking him inside me – and, finally, he screamed my name.

I reached up and pinched his nipples, twisting them hard as the first spurt of salty sweetness hit my throat – and simultaneously he pulled at my hair, driving the rest of his orgasm into me. I watched him the whole time, swallowing his essence and marveling at how uninhibited he was. I wanted him to feel this free all the time.

His thrusts slowed then stilled, but his breathing took longer to calm down. I watched his gasps burst from between his swollen lips. His hair was disheveled, some of it sticking to the sweat on his forehead. I grinned; I'd done all this to him.

"I told you, you have me," I said.

"No," he responded, breathlessly, "I meant that I need to feel you inside me."

I froze. He met my eyes shyly then slowly looked down to my erection. I wanted him. I'd had planned to take my time with him, not rush things. He hadn't been with anyone in a long time and I'd done enough reading over the summer to know we'd need to ease into sex to keep from hurting him. I'd decided to focus on romancing him for a while. But, fucking hell, I wanted him.

"I don't want to hurt you," I told him.

"I've wanted you for months now, Aiden. Making me wait would hurt me more than anything else. Besides, I might not have been with anyone in a while, but I do have-" His eyes suddenly bulged and his lips snapped shut.

My curiosity was stirred, "What? What do you have, baby?"

His cheeks had to feel like they were on fire. He mumbled incoherently before rolling over and burying his blush in the pillows. I cocked my head at his back. This had to be good. I crawled up the bed and over him, supporting my weight on my forearms. My legs embraced his and my cock nestled teasingly on his firm arse.

I kissed his shoulder, "What do you have, Ethan?"

He turned his face towards the windows, "I can't believe I'm telling you this..."

"You haven't told me anything yet."

"And I'd really like to keep it that way."

"What do you have?"

"A dildo."

I stared at the back of his head – that was not an answer I'd expected. Images flashed through my mind; sizzling, tantalising images that made my dick lurch. I brushed my nose along the length of his neck, inhaling his scent of sex and excitement.

"Where is it?"I whispered.

"With my stuff."

"In your bags?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I want to see it."

"No."

"I want to watch you tease yourself."

"I couldn't."

"I want you to show me what turns you on so I can-"

"God, Aiden..."

"Tell me about the last time you used it."

"I can't..."

"You were hot, weren't you, baby?"

"Oh, God..."

"Horny?"

"Yes."

"You were naked? In bed?"

"Yes."

"Tell me."

"I... I touched myself. My nipples are so sensitive, so I..."

"You pinched them? You like a little pain, baby?"

"Yes..."

"What next? Tell me more, I want to hear it all, baby. What else did you do?"

"I..."

"You were hard?"

"Yeah."

"And what were you thinking about? Tell me what turns you on."

"You..."

Fuck. I buried my face in the valley between his shoulder blades. He'd brought me to the brink of coming with one fucking word. His scent enveloped me and I couldn't resist reaching my tongue out to trace a long line up his spine. The small tremor I felt increased the urge to taste him. I bit into his shoulder, aggressively, making him cry out.

He moaned while I explored his skin all the way down his back, but never once moved. I was mindless with wanting him, wanting to be buried inside him. I reached for a pillow then positioned myself between his legs. One forceful pull at his hips lifted them high enough for me to push the pillow in beneath him. And without another thought I buried my face in the tenderest part of him.

Ethan howled erratically then whimpered and pushed back at me as I licked him. It was the taste of earthy sensuality and dark spice that had me worshipping him till my jaw ached. I pushed my tongue inside him, teaching him a language of love that he babbled fervently back to me. When his hips began a primal dance, seeking satisfaction, I pushed a saliva-slickened finger into his glistening entrance.

It entered smoothly and soon I added another. I slid them in and out of his warmth, stimulating more thrusting. The way he moved was driving me crazy. I clamped a hand on his hip and laid my forehead against the small of his back. His heat made my dick jump again. Gods, my baby was hot.

He buried his face in his folded arms and spread his legs wide. Oh, fuck. The sight of his absolute surrender wiped out the last of my control. He growled at me when I pulled my fingers from their new favourite place. I smiled at his incoherent protest. 

The moment the head of my erection pushed at his softness, he stilled. I could feel his breaths deepen and expand until it felt like he was keeping both of us alive. When his body welcomed me in, my cry drowned out his sighs. I slowly slid home.

I pulled out just as slowly, only to push in again, harder, deeper... gods. I stroked at his center, steadily pushing faster and revelling in the increasing slickness. Looking down, taking in the sight of our joining was my undoing. Seeing him tightly wrapped around me and my cock totally buried in the man who was now my whole world, made me haul him back fervidly so I could reinforce our fusion. I held him securely and rotated my hips as my dick glided in one more time.

Ethan's head snapped up, "Baby. Oh damn, love, yes, there! There, love, yes, oh! 

Intoxicated by the shredded cries filling the room, I intensified our rhythm, letting his fervour guide me. His passion fueled mine to the point where it felt like we were passing the heat back and forth between us. He begged me to take him, own him, and I struggled to find the words to tell him that he already owned me, body and soul. So I fucked him with all I had.

His back arched, "OH!!"

I curled one arm around his chest, the other around his waist and held him close. He raised one arm and wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, gripping firmly for leverage. I pressed my cheek to his, thrusting ever faster as he nuzzled me. Ah... FUCK. His orgasm was a thing of beauty. His hair fell in his eyes and his lips formed endless vows as he shot his release onto the bed.

I buried myself inside him and let go. Sweat trickled crookedly down the back of my neck. All that I was exploded and fused with him and I hugged him to me, hoping he felt it. Hoping he knew. Desperate for him to understand. I held him and filled him, handing him my heart again and again.

When our strength left us, Ethan fell forward and stretched out languidly. I missed him the moment I was no longer inside him, but settled for lying on my side, facing him. His hair was like flowing ink on the white pillows.

I kissed his flushed cheek, "I love you."

"I love you, too."

*

"Doesn't it make more sense to go tomorrow?" Ethan, freshly showered, lay on the bed I'd just remade. "I mean, there's only about an hour left before sunset. If we go tomorrow, we can spend the whole day down there. I know you'd love that, all day in the water and the sunshine and the... beachy stuff. And, by the way, aren't you a little overdressed?"

I finished buttoning up my shirt and tugged him up and into my arms, "Indulge me."

He gulped, staring at my lips, "Okay."

Ten minutes later, I took Ethan's hand and led him out the back door and across the garden. He grumbled something about turning into a beachbum as I unlocked the hidden gate that opened onto the beach trail. We were both barefoot. I watched him trek down ahead of me, noting what a strange-looking couple we made. Ethan was right. I was a little overdressed in the tailor-made charcoal pants and black shirt I'd chosen. It was the sort of outfit that would make my mother snap pictures. And it stood out even more because of Ethan's red board shorts and SpongeBob t-shirt. 

The ten-minute walk felt shorter than usual.

All too soon we were at the bottom, working our way around the giant boulders that concealed the path from the rest of the beach and stepping onto the warm sand. I couldn't stop my fingers from tightening their grip on Ethan's. I was getting edgy again.

"Okay, I take it all back," he was looking around the little corner of paradise I'd brought him to. "I can see why you love this beach so much – it's beautiful. I can't believe you own- What's that over there? Is that..?"

His step faltered as he pointed towards the water's edge, "Is that a picnic? You organised all this as a surprise? For me?"

I didn't say a word. I simply tugged him with me as I headed for the setup near the gently lapping waves. I was grateful to Dan for coming through for me as promised. All I'd asked for was a simple basket on a blanket. For the longest time, I've been hounded by the fantasy of feeding Ethan strawberries at sunset. The nearer we got to the picnic, the closer I watched recognition slowly dawn in Ethan's silver eyes.

"That's... my striped blanket from varsity! You kept it?"

"You told me to," I replied simply.

Ethan stepped onto his old blanket and sank down to his knees. That day, five years ago, rose up around us. For countless blinks it was as real as the heat in my chest; then it all faded back into the present. The amazement in Ethan's eyes when he looked up at me spoke volumes. And I understood why.

The simplicity of my response was belied by the five-year gesture. Keeping the blanket revealed a whole lot that my words could never downplay. It showed I'd felt something on that day, despite my protests and denials. It showed I hadn't stopped thinking about him in five years. Mostly it was unmistakable proof of the fact that he meant more to me than anyone else ever had.

I knelt before him and, because the timing felt perfect, I pulled the little black box from my pocket. Ethan gaped as I lifted the velvet lid. A platinum band with three black diamonds sat within – midnight and stormy grey, the hues of my love.

Strangely, my nervousness left me then, "Ethan, you have taught me so much about courage, freedom and love. You've given me life. And I want nothing more than to share all I've become with you. Will you marry me?"

He flew into my arms so fast, he nearly knocked me over, "Yes! In a heartbeat, yes!"

I hugged him, trying my best to breathe through the pounding of my heart. Ethan eventually pulled back and I held his ring up again. He demurely asked me to put it on his middle finger, promising to move it to his ring finger once we'd said our vows. I kissed his palm. When I showed him the date inscribed inside the band, his brow creased as he tried to work out its significance.




I Know What I'm Doing Ch. 04



Suddenly his eyes widened, "Is this the date..? The day..?"

"Yes. It's the day we met, unofficially. That's the day we kissed, the day my life changed."

We stayed out there until the blazing sun disappeared and the sky turned a deep indigo. I fed Ethan ripe strawberries while we talked. And when the sweet juice escaped his lips to trickle down his chin, I licked it up. He told me stories of carefree years, when he was young and his parents used to take him on trips. It was encouraging to hear him speak of happier times he'd had – especially with his mother.

I continued to nibble at him while he tried to pour champagne in two flutes. He scowled at me when I made him spill some on my shirt, but didn't seem to mind anymore when I pulled my shirt off. I lay on my back, telling him the significance of this beach, while he lapped imaginary champagne splashes off my skin. 

My grandparents had gotten married on the beach, one week after Gramps had bought the property. There'd been no house then, just them and their loved ones celebrating in the salty breeze. My dad had proposed to my mom here because it'd been the only place he could catch a few minutes alone with her. And, nearly three decades later, Chris had done the same with Mike – with hopes of having the same luck with love as our parents and grandparents.

"It's become a Montgomery tradition of sorts," I concluded. "A lucky one – so you're stuck with me forever."

A thoughtful look momentarily flashed in his eyes, one I read as clearly as script on paper. I knew we'd probably have a few more moments like this, times when I'd need to explain my past, reassure him of our future... reaffirm what we have. I also knew I'd gladly declare my love to him daily, whether asked or not. I brushed his silky hair back and tilted his chin up with a finger.

When his eyes met mine I smiled gently, "I've never brought her here. To be honest, I tried, but she hates the sun... I never even really asked her to marry me. One day she just pointed out an expensive ring she'd had her eye on and I bought it. Then we announced the engagement at the next family braai. I went along with it 'cause it seemed like the next logical step for us. To be honest, I never gave much thought to love the entire time we were together. I guess that's why it took me so damn long to realise I'd never loved her at all."

"Are you done?"

"Uh huh."

"Good. Not another word about her."

An order I was happy to follow, "Yes, sir."

"Sir... I like that," he smiled, his fingers brushing the fine hairs on my arms. "And I'll call you my coffee-making, sunshine-addicted culinary king. Or my thoughtful, protective ocean-lover. Or my sweet, sexy Afrikaans-speaking surfer lord. Or-" 

My laughter cut him off. The stars started appearing, one by one, each matching his eyes exactly. Ethan kissed the scar above my heart – and I knew it was a gesture in celebration of life and love.

*

~Ethan~

My eyes opened slowly. For a split-second I thought it had all been a wonderful dream and a sharp frisson of alarm cut through me. But I soon noticed my surroundings and knew my dream was far from over. I was lying in a giant bed, facing a landscape painting of what appeared to be the Karoo. I smiled. Then I saw the ring on my middle finger, three little black diamonds winking at me. And my smile grew.

Finally, I registered what had actually woken me. Aiden was trailing kisses down my spine, much in the way he had twice during the night when wanting to make love again. I was sore, but unable to restrain my reaction to his tempting kisses. Another minute of what he was doing and I'd pounce on him – and he didn't even know it... It was a pledge I made silently to my lengthening penis.

"Breakfast... sir," he told my left butt cheek. "Croissants courtesy of Tannie Em. She sent them over as a welcome home gift; told me tell me you they're stuffed with chocolate – 'cause you struck her as the sweet tooth type."

I shot up, "Chocolate?"

He laughed, depositing a tray of croissants and coffee on my lap. The rich aroma of the coffee was invigorating. After a quick sip, I bit into a warm croissant and practically melted. There is a heaven – I'd discovered it in Aiden's bed. Thick, soft chocolate oozed into my mouth, nearly wiping away my grasp of English. Nearly.

"I'd guess that we have about twenty minutes before the calls start coming in. I sent Chris a message about us; I picked him because he checks his email at the same time every day and I wanted us to have breakfast in peace before they bombarded us with their chaos. But once he tells Mike we're screwed."

"You sent Chris a message? What did it say?"

"Only the important bit: 'He said yes'."

The phone rang as I finished off the first croissant. Aiden put it on speaker, only to find out Mike had set up a three way call and everyone was shouting at once. Good shouting, though. 

Gwen was crying again, I could just make that out above Mike's constant insistence on details. Greg applauded Aiden picking out a ring himself, then got cut off by Gwen demanding pictures when she heard her son had worn a shirt. She started crying again when she heard there were none – but her tears could just as easily have been for the joy she heard in my voice as I described the ring to them.

Out of nowhere, Chris started unfolding the plans he'd drawn up to revamp Aiden's office and library into one large double office for us both to work in. The people I was accustomed to give blenders as wedding gifts, not renovations, so I was staggered by the gesture. I loved the ideas he was sharing, though, but didn't get to tell him that; Aiden was still being drilled about our picnic on the beach. Half an hour later, Mike concluded the call by telling us our news made her happier than the time she'd punched Carolynn.

Once we'd ended the call, I turned to find Aiden shedding his trackpants and vest like it was no big deal. The sight of him naked still made my heart pound tremendously. I had the sudden suspicion I'd never get over how beautiful he was. And I'd never grow tired of the way he looked at me. I stood and undressed, watching the heat in his eyes intensify. 

I led him to his oversized shower, immediately grateful for the extra room. Last night I'd teased him about the orgies he must have had in it, but this morning his huge frame made it look small enough to almost appear normal. We soaped each other, more dedicated to stroking each other than actually keeping track of how clean we were getting.

When Aiden pressed me against the warm tiles and took my dick in his mouth, I lost it. I pushed my hips at him and buried myself as far as I could go. The way he just submitted to whatever gave me pleasure in moments like these, was the tripping factor for me. Looking down at him; knowing he had the strength to do what he wished with me; and yet seeing his willingness to fulfill my demands drove me insane. I thrust at his mouth all through my orgasm, grateful for his support when my knees started buckling. 

I switched positions with him so I could taste him too. I still took some adjusting to accommodate his length, but I was determined to take him into my throat. There was something about my man that I simply could not get enough of. I wanted him inside me nearly as much as I wanted to consume him. I wanted us to always be one.

The water had turned my skin rosy by the time we left the shower. I think it was me bending over to pull a t-shirt out of my still-packed bags that broke Aiden's flimsy willpower. The next thing I knew, we were on the bed again, kissing and tossing our towels to the floor.

Aiden towered over me, gently nudging my legs apart. I think I might've winced when he entered me, because he immediately slowed down. That made the torture so much worse. I felt every ridge and veined inch of him as he slid into me. The brilliant advantage, though, was that I also got to watch his every reaction to the sensations he felt inside me. 

This time our lovemaking was far more tender than it had been all last night. Partly because I was a little sore, sure, but also because I could feel our mutual desire to connect. Seeing each other and simply opening up our hearts. Aiden reached down to stroke me when my breath started quickening, but he was too late. I was already coming. I was softly crying out his name and spurting on both our chests. When he came inside me, he told me he loved me. Again and again. 

Tannie Emma called while we were preparing lunch. I knew because I couldn't understand a word Aiden said after 'hello'. He touched me every few minutes which, of course, meant our sandwiches would take twice as long to make. I tried to deter him by glowering but he ignored me, laughing with Tannie Em and pulling ingredients out of cupboards and the refrigerator. 

"How do you speak Afrikaans so well?" I asked once he'd hung up. "Your family isn't Afrikaans."

"No, we aren't. And I'm the only one who speaks it fluently, thanks to Tannie Em. Give her a year or two and you'll be as clued up as I am. It's the only language she's ever spoken with me. And she made me read a lot of Afrikaans – poetry mostly because she and her husband love it so much. I soon found that I liked it too and started buying some of the works I enjoyed most."

"Like what? Which is your favourite?"

He thought for a moment, "There is a new writer I recently stumbled upon. I'm drawn to one particular poem of hers, especially the last verse."

"I'd love to hear it," I said sincerely.

In the breath before he began I was struck by the knowledge that something within him was shifting, some emotion, a realisation that he had a new understanding of every word he was about to share. I could see that he meant what he was about to say. It was an exhilarating awareness.

"Ek weet die belofte in jou oë

is 'n stilte waarin ek kan glo.

Byt my, soen my; ek benodig dit

as bewys van sugte, smag en begeertes.

Fluister my naam en ek sal ingee.

Vir ewig. Want ek ken jou. En ek ken liefde."

His green gaze had held mine the entire time.

"That was beautiful," I whispered.

"You didn't understand a word, did you?"

"Nope," I grinned and he laughed. "No, that's not true. I did grasp the very end: 'I know love'. The rest I understood through the emotion in your tone, that's what made it beautiful."

He wiped his hands before wrapping his arms around me, "I'll teach you the rest of it sometime, if you'd like."

"Promise?" 

"Sure."

*

"I'm actually very excited about getting back to work."

It was about a week later and we were in the kitchen and Aiden was preparing way too much food. I was telling him about an offer I'd received three weeks ago, an offer I'd been in no frame of mind to consider at the time. A major movie production house had approached me about creating online production studios on my site, studios I could 'rent out' so that people on the same venture could complete many of their project requirements wherever they were. It's silly but, more than the money, I was thrilled by the news that my platforms would be credited on the movies as 'virtual studios'.

"So that's what you've been so secretive about these last few days," he said as he laid large prawns out on a giant platter of salad and vegetables.

"I haven't been secretive, just busy. Because I've also finally figured out what I want to do with my money – well, some of it. I'm gonna help schools. Jordan's a teacher – I'm assured that his classroom is the only place he speaks in full sentences," I quickly added when Aiden cocked a brow at me. "Anyway, he'd mentioned that the high school's computer lab was far from sufficient for the pupils' needs. I know computers. And I'll never forget how having that world to escape to, had helped me as a kid. So I want to build Jordan's school a decent computer lab. Other schools too... Why on earth are you making so much food?

"I love your ideas, babe," Aiden fed me a prawn, ignoring my question.

The doorbell rang before I could ask it again. 

"You might wanna get that," he suggested.

My jaw nearly dropped when I opened the door, "Sam? Aren't you supposed to be in Cape Town? You're really sucking at acting like you live there. How did you get here?"

"Flew in with us, of course," Greg replied from behind Sam. "Now give me a hug before Gwen gets you all wet – something tells me she's going to be crying on you two for the rest of the day."

Gwen appeared at the mention of her name, hugging me at the same time as Greg and Sam – and crying on all of us. Mike, Chris and the kids handed me a lopsided chocolate cake, hugged me and snapped pictures – all at the same time. I craned my neck and yelled for Aiden to come field some of the hugs. He approached moments later and plucked Melanie off my neck. 

Kyle, who warmed up to me a little more every time I saw him, was attached to my waist and asking if Aiden and I were truly set on getting married in tuxedos or suits, because he'd seen some awesome t-shirts at one of his favourite stores. I turned to Chris for help. Chris grinned, hugged me, and carried on walking. Just when I thought there could be no more surprises, Dan, Peter and Justin entered. 

"I hope you're okay with surprises," Aiden murmured beside me once everyone was inside. "More specifically, a surprise engagement party."

I felt my eyes prickle and could only nod in response.

"Baby, what wrong?" he turned me to face him, noting the stupid tears threatening to fall.

I had to clear my throat so I could speak, "I think this is the first time I've ever known enough people to throw a party. It's a silly thing to get emotional about – but it's a big deal to me. I've never..."

He pulled me close, "It's not silly."

After a quick kiss we turned to find Gwen snapping pictures. My cheeks burned. Instead of having mercy on me, she squealed with joy – and took more pictures. I turned to shut the door and hid behind Aiden at the same time. Aiden laughed and protected me from the flashing camera until we heard something thud against the door seconds after I'd closed it.

"What was that?" Gwen finally lowered the camera.

"Ethan locked out our token straight guy," Dan answered from the dining area.

Aiden curiously opened the door again, to find Jordan carrying an enormous crate of wine, champagne and beer. Aiden laughed incredulously and I couldn't help but join in.

"A hand, please," Jordan pleaded from beyond the crate.

"Bloody hell, where did all that come from?" Karin called from her seat near the oversized windows.

"'Mackin' Jordan'," Jordan replied breathlessly once Aiden had relieved him of the crate. "When they started the last round-"

"-this shyster decides he wants to play along, claiming-"

"-it was just unfair that they got to win drinks at my expense, but I never got a chance. So-"

"-he demands a shot at 'Mackin' Jordan'. And-"

"-won! I actually won! But there was no way I was going to settle for a few beers on the guys. Instead-"

"-he demands the motherload. Expensive wines and champagne. The only reason we gave in was finding out he wanted bring them here," Justin grumbled at the end.

"What's a shyster?" Kyle asked.

"Nothing you need concern yourself with," Chris answered. 

"But you're supposed to teach me and Melon stuff – it's your job, dad."

"And I will. Other stuff. So ask me other questions."

"Okey-dokey," Melanie piped up. "What's a 'token straight guy'?"

*

It took some time to finally get Aiden alone.

The first time I tried, his granddad was proposing a wedding on the beach and reception at the guesthouse. I liked his recommendations so much I forgot to snatch Aiden away. Next thing I knew, Kyle was feeding a prawn, pear and cake sandwich to him to prove to his sister that it was, in fact, gross.

The second time I tried, I found him in a quiet but serious conversation in the kitchen – with Sam. Something about their body language made me hesitate to interrupt. Just as I was wondering whether I should get someone to help me in case Aiden would need to be subdued, he suddenly smiled and stuck his hand out. Sam paused a beat, but shook it with a slightly bleak smile of his own. I couldn't help but wonder what that was about. 

After lunch, I was alone in the kitchen, unsuccessful plotting a plan to kidnap Aiden. One that would probably have to involve a disguise, a helicopter and a highly trained squad of professional stuntmen. Catching him alone was so damn difficult.

That's how Sam found me, pacing in circles and wasting time.

"Ethan? What in heaven's name is the matter with you?"

I froze, "You called me by my name. You never call me by my name. I know 'cause I've been trying to get you to do it for years now. What happened? What's changed?"

He scratched at his neck, giving me a sheepish grin, "Aiden. He, uh, made it clear that petnames are officially a no-go area for me where you're concerned."

"Oh, for crying out loud," I blushed at my fiancé's possessive behaviour. "I'm so sorry about that, Sam. He has this stupid theory that you're in love with me and he needs to 'mark his territory'. I'll talk to him about it. Again."

I gave an exaggerated laugh, hoping Sam would join in and brush off Aiden's embarrassing claims, hoping Sam would help me alleviate any awkwardness Aiden might've initiated. Hoping Sam would, at least, meet my eyes.

"Sam?"

"You know, it was the same year Red tried to tell you he liked you that I knew you'd never figure it out," he finally looked straight at me and the heat in his eyes snatched my breath away. "You'd been through so much hardship that you didn't know how to recognise love anymore, even when it was right beside you, year after year."

"But... you're my friend. My best friend." How had I never seen this before? And how had Aiden spotted it so fast?

"I know, Ethan. That's all I've ever been. I realised it when I realised that you treated me the same way you treated Red, friendly but platonic. I knew you'd never shared my feelings – and never would. So I chose to cherish our friendship, instead of ruining everything with my... emotions and... desires. Shit, this is weird, isn't?"

I blinked a couple times, "A little. Especially with you cursing more... I don't know what to say."

"Just don't go on about how much you value me as a friend."

"But I do, Sam."

He grimaced, "I know you do, but right now that really sounds like the consolation prize that gets slapped on the loser to keep him from going home empty-handed. We'll always be friends, we've gone through too much together for this not to work. I'll just need some time to adjust, I guess. Aiden's perfect for you."

"He wasn't... He didn't, uh, threaten you or anything, did he?"

Sam gave a low chuckle, "In fact, he did. But not in the way you think. He just pulled me aside to tell he had my number and order me to stop any flirtation. He called it 'funny business'. Then he made me promise not to stay away just because he knew how I felt; threatened to hunt me down if I did. He doesn't want anything to mess up our ten-year friendship. You're lucky to have him, you know."

"I know."

"I hate to admit it, but it's true. He lights something up within you. I've never seen you this... whole in all the time I've known you. I told you someone as wonderful as you would end up with a knight in a Merc and a guesthouse on a hill."

I laughed at that, thankful for the ever-so-slight ease that I felt flowing back into our bond.

"There you are," Aiden appeared, carrying a few empty platters. He dumped them in the sink and tugged me towards the back door. He turned just before we exited, "Hey, Sam! Justin's been grumbling about doing horrendously in his chess match against my dad ever since his 'lucky charm' left the room."